#what the fuck is the blue thing in ntn

[boyfeminism]

i watched a very good video about like recapping gtn and htn before ntn (which tbh i should have watched before reading ntn bc boy did i forget a lot) and somehow i have more questions but tbh mostly i got answers

[liesmyth]

one thing i would love to know in atn is what the relationship was between earth and the rest of the planets was!

like, all the planets had life on them (if im remembering john's soul explaination correctly: a soul is the complex arrangement of thalergy produced by a collection of living organsims, so just like billions of cells make a human soul, billions of life forms make up a planet soul) but obviously only earth had 'complex' life.

were the other planets jealous, indifferent, or proud? would a planet like mars, which shows traces of past water, feel envious that earth was just in the right place, had just the collisions to set things into motion? or would it be proud that at least someone got to have fun?

and then earth's newest children turn around and fuck her up. not all of them, obviously, but to a planet, especially one of jupiter's magnitude, to-may-to sounds no different to to-mah-to. or does it?

i just *clenches fist* want to know about the guilt the RB's have. because varun considers what it has done reprehensible ('we who were murdered and we who murder' and 'i have poisioned the universe to match my grief') and when you consider that other complex life IS possible on other planets but could quite literally be all gone now because of hungry ghosts that want to honour complex life's memory (both john and the rbs), then you have got to wonder how varun feels when it chows down on a thriving planet.

and!!!! how does varun feel about love!!! its only points of reference for it are judith (as shown by how their thoughts can bleed into each other when marta is brought up) and john. john is very obviously about consumption, and varun is the eater, but judith is the queen of repression; would varun believe an equally important part of human love is starvation on other's behalf?

this blorbo (blue orbo) drives me nuts man. and its literally an asshole joke <3

(cough cough. if you want a fic where varun becomes judith's wingman, you should read the binding)

I unironically LOVE Varun this hungry ghost who's possibly the best brother in the universe. Nobody else has spent that long trying to find their little sister to check up on her, surely?

"I have poisoned the universe to match my grief" is one of THE most badass lines in NtN. Thinking of how Augustine says that if the RBs were physically they would "leave flatted galaxies in their wake," but instead they feed on planets, murdering them before the lyctors can, unless the lyctors get there first, and the end result is a deserted universe anyway.

Also! My #just vibes hc is that planetary souls don't necessarily show up because a planet has life, but because of the potential for life. There's no life on Venus but in TLT Venus was still able to host a human population, after a lot of tinkering. All the planets the RB stumble on end up absorbed, and I'm reasonably sure that all planets the lyctors kill have a "small" revenant, even if there's no biosphere. Anyway; Alecto clearly was the "most developed" and I wonder if it made her more aware.

I'm always thinking about this post about how Alecto bestowed powers on John to save humanity, not Earth; there were billions of living beings that would never have been impacted by humanity's extinction, but she decided she couldn't tolerate it, she had to do something. All for love :)

(ty for the fic rec! can't wait to check it out)

[atruelioness]

and ooh, it’s good to know...

i never thought i’d be writing this. i was going to leave it at 3 and done. i like 3. 3 is nice. 3 is neat. 3 is trinity. i figured that was all i would have to say anyway. that my confession would somehow lead to liberation and then would come love, then marriage, then baby carriage bc what else is marriage sex for?

anyway. 

soundtrack: amerie - just like me (on repeat).

“for somebody, somebody who’s just like me...”

i’m listening to old songs again to remember who i am. i used to be a woman so inside of herself that all she had to do was think and there it was. the truth.

now it seems like i have to search and surrender and sacrifice and scream from the mountaintops just for anything to be or feel or manifest itself as true. well, not anymore. i freed myself and broke chains all by myself or whatever beyonce and kendrick said as they were splashing barefoot through puddles.

i meant to password protect this. partially because i doubt you even read this. just like my IG stories. just like my book i sent you. just like everything i do that’s usually for a man’s ego and not his heart because naivety. mreeuh said stop using that word bc it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy but i say it because sometimes truth is the light you need to shine to dispel darkness.

plus i’m tired of hiding. my feelings. my heart. myself. man up and recognize a real one when you see her. or read her.

“somebody, somebody who feels like me.”

GOD WHAT IS THIS ALL FOR? i’m tired. i’m tired of loving with a heart with no sense of direction or GPS and making all the wrong turns that have me ending up exactly where i need to be each and every time like a pinned tweet.

can you be real without me fucking up first? can love be real without the frontin and denying and triangulation and abuse and emphasized and loved texts but never a text out of the blue (pun fucking intended and dismissed) to see how i am doing while i pray and basically ascend you and raise you as a king only for you to randomly and spontaneously sweat everyone but me so hard that they themselves have to question why you’re so obsessed with them. wyd?

like, no really, wassup with you? can i invoice you for all this wasted time because i could really use the money to get out of the situation i was never planning to get up out of in the first place. like, i get it. mans a huge fucking wasteman. huge bloodly bloodclaat pussyhole eediat. i get it get it or whatever drake said.

“that there’s somebody... there’s somebody, somebody who loves like me.”

but what was the point of being rescued only to wind up on the white horse by myself? i guess i could have rescued my damn self so i did but i keep giving credit where none is due. just like the logos i placed on that flier for no reason for people who would style me in a second, i built an entire throne in my heart and placed you on it just to get someone else off only to find that you never set it in anyway. you too busy being whoever the fuck you are when you’re not being the man of my dreams which seems to be any time spent outside of my own head which is why i wasn’t with the shits in the first place.

but hardhead. but hopeful romantic. but God. yeah yeah, ye ye ye. burn har like a burna boy song. do whatever makes your ego feel amazing because i guess all of m y love and and prayers and accolades and whatever the heaven i was doing was just me being a spiritual schoolas again and not a grown ass woman.

GOD NO REALLY WYD?

i’m ignoring every call and text and DM and email of my narcissistically abusive ex-lover for my possibly narcissistic crush to lead me on a long journey to nowhere. i say nowhere because how in the world could you get that close to love and decide you wanna subtweet her and the God she serves?

who are you and why did i ever think you were the One? what kinda illusion, what in the obeah, what kind of rice water did you dip your face in to come up with that one? who sent you so I can ship you right back to sender?

okay that was mean. but didn’t they tell you that i was a savage? didn’t your wife tell you that we could be heartless, regardless, of our conscience? women that is. i’m not upset or bitter so much as i am perplexed and disappointed.

do you know what i went through to trust you? i still have the worn out magazine. i still have a thousand blue items strung around my home. i still have this memory pressed inside of my head of how it felt to finally release that night to your music and how you felt like the only pure energy in the room. how i knew exactly what to do and where to sit even if i didn’t know what to say. how you were always where i could see you and how all of our favourite songs were playing. how i placed khanzi in your lap only to come out and find him in someone else’s. how many people have it twisted and still don’t get it.

“i’ve waited so long, for somebody who can do it like me.”

i don’t even wanna write about it anymore. i don’t want to spend another second on anything that isn’t real or God or love or all of the above.

i took it far enough to know i don’t need to take it any further. i went through this already. with so many others. didn’t i tell you? did i not recite jhene aikos stranger perfectly and wasn’t sparks will fly w. jcole about.... ? nah. no more.

never again. because next time i will be sure.

because i am a true lioness. because i don’t come easy. because i am a girl like this, in a world like this. because i’m a bbc queen, star.

what hapn to you?

i guess we’ll never know.  this is not me giving up, btw. this is me not giving in. to temptation. being delivered. not from evil, but still. amen. mentally and socially and culturally and verbally and spiritually preparing for africa. i said 2021 but jah9 said kenya 2020 and i’m like you know what, that could work. i just wanted to see vision 2020 come true for jamaica. i know i said forever, but 3 stacks said forever never feels that long until you’re grown.

and i’m a grown ass woman. again. there’s a song about this you’ll never listen to: xavier omar - grown woman. another xavier omar - blind man. and hours spent loving you (spzrkt).

“waited all my life, for somebody like... somebody who’s just like me.”

i mourn all the songs i’ll never get to play for you. i mourn all the locs i’ll never get to play in. i mourn khanzi and mocha’s play dates. i mourn those navy blue shorts and what i accidentally almost felt was in them and how for some reason in that moment i wasn’t shy whatsoever, and all the unspeakable things i did in the name of love and liberation.

by mourn i mean listen to r&b lol. by mourn i mean... damn, bruh. 

maybe next lifetime.

i’m not with ntn. just God alone.

still love you. but yeah, bless.

💙

[helio-hermit]

Good Things: 

-I am so H A P P Y

-I am in a very healthy healthy healthy relationship with a capital R! We are proper dating wow. I have a boyf. He’s beautiful and scottish and accomplished and ambitious and it’s really so so blissful. He adores me for my smarts first and foremost and thats what I adore most about him, he respects me as a creator and I respect him as one as well and its this really nice mutual support system of growth. I never feel bad for messaging him, I never feel bad for needing time alone, I just exist with him and its really refreshing to have a secure attachment with no anxiety and deception and power moves you know? 

-I feel really good about my body lately and my sense of self

-I haven’t been very vocal on here because I’m stressed to all hell about essays I have three due so so so soon but I know I can get this accomplished if I focus in. 

-So the boyf and I finished our play this past Monday and we received a standing ovation <3 Everyone really really liked it and I’ll shop the script around but damn did it feel good to see people engage so heavily with my script and with his acting! Theatrical power couple I tell ya. But people think I’m a really good writer...and damn does it feel good to be allowed to relish in that for just a moment. but i gotta keep working to get better and better!

-I’m stressed to all fuck but I think I’ll be okay. I just have a slow work ethic right now and I need to start applying to Central and RCS and other drama schools for directing. 

-the bank is holding all my money for some dumb reason :/ so I can’t buy basically anything so I’ve just been living off of paypaling pad thai to my house ahaha. 

-My best friend and the boyf have a performance tonight at the art school doing some 20 minute theatre pieces and thats so damn cool. I’m excited to go support the fuck out of them. 

-I really wanna read and write but I CANT TILL ESSAYS are over and applications. 

-Life is funny and weird and I’m like...emotionally invested in this boi but I’m not like obsessed with him? Like i don’t get nervous and I’m not butterflies all the time. Is this what mature bonding feels like? Like he’s just my friend and we kiss and its nice not to be so emotionally unstable about something for once you know? Like I know he likes me. I like him and thats all that I need. Validation is take it or leave it. I just live, and its nice to feel that way about something for once since I’m so volatile haha. 

-I feel a little blah and useless but i know thats just because my show closed and i dont know who I am without a creative outlet. 

-its so cold in my house I dont wanna go to the library today but hey ho-- academia awaits amirightladies? 

-Tomorrow I am going on my first real date with R (same as boyf). We are gonna watch the play I assistant directed and then we are gonna get some coffee that I can’t buy because bank so I hope he treats me to a lil latte and then I wanna take pictures of him in the greenhouse because he’s gorgeous. 

-I just need to stop feeling so lethargic and get my SHIT TOGETHER is all. 

-theres so much more to create. 

- As of now: I have done, New Works, Fronting, Blood Brothers, Thermos, Closer, Love in Death in Govan and Hyndland, Who Put Bella in the Wych Elm?, The Weir Sisters, NTN, and Production Managed Baby Blues: so thats 10 shows this year I’ve worked on <3 not so bad eh!