#what is girlhood if not threads of divinity begging to be unraveled

[rivers-for-me]

It's midnight and i'm awake again, only to be that ethereal nonexistent age i always have been at this hour since i turned 12. Time always stopped at midnight, the velvet lights are the same, the statics noise is the same and i almost try to sing myself to sleep so maybe i'll wake up as a child again. There are no fever dream poems written on my wall with the fear of forgetting my most honest feeling. No unreadable descriptions of dreams i didn't want to wake up from. No pixelate pictures of everyoung actors who already died 40 years before my birth. I think about my father's best friend with different feelings but the same gentle respect. I am every age i've ever been and ever will be. For the first time in years i'm still real even in the dark that felt like drowning in the emptiness of space for years until i lost my sense of directions and i was afraid to speak because i knew i wouldn't hear my voice. I'm painfully unbearably real and the little kid i once was doesn't know it. The bitter denial of my girlhood blooms in the night and i resist the urge to write this down because i'm not 12 anymore and i'd never read it. God is still watching but instead of eternal judgement it's a promise i won't die forgotten, even if i unlearn how to write.

[rivers-for-me]

what is girlhood if not threads of divinity begging to be unraveled