#what im trying to say is: let will be a freak
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crusty evolution redraw. in theory.
#xmen#xmen evolution#erik lehnsherr#magneto#quicksilver#pietro maximoff#snap sketches#i stopped liking this past the lineart stage but i told myself id try to finish whatever i start to at least try and learn somethin#did i learn anything ? thats for me to reflect on. for now tho ramble time 😌#its painful to draw erik with short hair but sometimes you gotta get outta the usual !! <- never doing this again#ive been ahead of my schedule with stuff i have to draw so ive simply decided todaay will be My Day for personal doodles#idk why ive decided my first evo fanart should be the one where erik and pietro leave behind wanda but ok !!!!! freak#i have a long hair ver but i didnt color it. i was just greedy .. not greedy enough tho evidently#anyways i have like. idk what four episodes of evolution left ?? depressing this show's great ...#i didnt nkow theyd have a david ep ... a pleasant surprise but now im emo ...#OH WELL lets see what else i doodle tonight#this week's going to be annoying but i think i say that every week LMAO and look at that i get through them anyway#we'll be fine and chill team .. ok bye bye
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13 and 16 for ask game!!!!
16 was already answered in a previous ask!
13. worst blorboficiation
Andrew.
Like I understand that a crux of his character is that he gets his intentions horribly misunderstood, but some people take this in the complete other direction and they absolve him of any responsibility whatsoever. Andrew has done some pretty fucked up things – making Aaron quit cold turkey, drugging Matt, hitting Allison, choking Kevin – and in all of them he had a very strong reason to do it.
It's just that – and I don't know if I'm describing this correctly – people seem to think that just because his actions make sense that they are sensible. When I think that what truly makes Andrew make sense as a character is that his whole life is sort of a ouroboros – his lack of trust in people led him to absolutely refuse to explain himself or tone himself down and his refusal to do that is read by other people as him simply being violent and unstable which makes them not trust him in turn. The Foxes' treatment of Andrew is unfair, but it's not completely unfounded.
And I see sometimes a kind of softening of Andrew's violence in which it's not allowed to negatively impact other people, it's only ever righteous and correct. I think that some of it comes from not wanting to have to write an Andrew that has to apologize for his actions, but in canon he never apologizes for shit either and that doesn't stop him from getting in a place at the end where his teammates understand him more and he is at a better place with Aaron.
So it's not that I want Andrew to be portrayed as being in the wrong, but more that I wish people understood that Andrew's coping mechanisms, that his actions, are supposed to be extreme. And the point is that it's worth getting to understand his motivations anyway.
I don't know if this makes any sense because I have yet to take out my PhD on Andrew Studies but I think he is the main cast character whose fanon feels most off to me.
#i think the best example I can give of what Im trying to say is often found in kevaaron fics#in which people want to have their cake and it too#in that they want to portray Aaron and Kevin as (rightfully) afraid of Andrew's reaction#but somehow not only is Andrew always reasonable about it but he's never even mad that they kept it a secret#like by the love of god just let him freak it a little bit#it's like enrichment for him it's fine#bcistired once told me that Andrew had the honor code of a medieval knight with PTSD and honestly yeagh. that's what im looking for
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♡ hey bestie 😘
Send ♡ to see what my muse thinks of yours
○○○○○ | ATTRACTION ○○○○○ | AFFECTION ●●○○○ | INTEREST (toa's heard sara's "hear me outs." now its time to hear dorothea out) ○○○○○ | LOYALTY ○○○○○ | TRUST
"i meant every word i said back there. i won't hesitate to knock out your lights if you try something like that again."
"...can't say i'm fond of you, though considering how professor rafal seems to enjoy your company, it seems like you just might be capable of holding some sort of sway over hearts. how exactly, i'm not sure, though i suppose some enjoy the gruff types. if you want to call yourself that. i'd settle for another word, personally. like disturbed."
#[ ♫ ] ── * answered#twistedisciple#when my buddy griss has been nicer to me than some of the rich boys at this school. (ignore that he tried to blow me up#REE IM GOING TO BE SICK I KNOW YOU LITERALLY JUST SENT THIS IN BUT I HAVE TO ANSWER IT ASAP I GOT INSTANT BRAINWORMS :CRYLAUGH:#does griss' penchant for violence put her off? yes absolutely. does she trust him? absolutely not what the hell. HOWEVER.#there's something about an outcast that makes her do a double take. considering she's been ostracized her entire life + has an unsavory#reputation that follows her (granted wildly different contexts here but still) there's a part of her that (uncomfortably) sees#herself in these others. does she like it? no. does it alarm her? yes. would she say she relates to griss? no. BUT again its merely#the recognition that they don't fit in and aren't always accepted by the people around them. there's also some confusion here bc she has no#canon context for what he's done. she personally likes and trust rafal -> sees that HE likes griss while most people dont so#she's curious about that. alternatively she's also close to fogado who openly dislikes him but once again has no context for what's happene#despite his violent tendencies i do think that dorothea actually sees him as less threatening than some of the others shes encountered#because griss is as he presents himself to the world -> lets you know that he's going to bite so you have an opening to jump ship VS.#people who put on fake airs & try to lure you in with sweet words and promises under the guise of politesse. he unsettles her but shes not#scared of him is what i'm trying to say. she'd rather take on 10 of griss than those freak ass nobles she had to deal with @ the opera#what a world
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Wait hold on, in his anniversary video Barbatos mentions the mc being the brother's attendant?
But in the other videos, it's implied that they don't remember the mc leaving (which is actually something im very disappointed about and really hope isnt the case in the actual story)
In these two specifically, it seems like they aren't aware of the mc's presence in the past/alternate timeline/whatever it is. The only other person who seems like they know is Lucifer
Which also lines up with the end of lesson 40, where he's the only one who says welcome back? So like?? Do only him and Barbatos know? Did they not tell anyone?? Diavolo would probably know as well but I haven't seen anything to show that yet. Anyways I don't really like where this is going, I would really prefer they not make everyone forget the mc disappeared
#of course they could always just be not quite putting the pieces together in these scenes#buuuut at this point im not so sure..#i was hoping theyd take a more “WE MISSED YOU” approach#because if im being honest those are some of my favorite moments#like yay everythings better now lets hug it out#i feel weird about them potentially not knowing about what happened#how would they play that off? solomon already said they were freaking out?#“oh whoops we time traveled just far back enough that no one noticed you were gone”#no#do not do that#that defeats the purpose of this whole shenanigan#they also cant just say it was the regular past#because story inconsistencies#solomon has even commented on how its different#hes like “simeon and luke shouldnt be here”#istg if they try to move past that without explaining i will explode#its a very plausible scenario at this point#theyve done it before#because oh does diavolo just not have the power to spot lies anymore?? ok#anyway im scared for the future of the story#this could go wrong in so many ways#obey me!#obey me! swd#obey me lucifer#obey me satan#obey me luke#obey me barbatos#posts#maybe barbatos just merges the timelines again and thats why everyone feels weird#idk im too tired to think more about this
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i neeeed to post stuff that isn't mlp ... sigh
#i havent been doing a lot of smaller pieces- sketchbook and digital etc latley#its all been mlp customs & ceramics & quilting#which all take forever so theres not as many posts. and the ponies take less time than the other 2 so u get more of those.#along w my mlp rambles#not trying to do a Making Marketable Content thing here i just.#dont like when i post too much similar things in a row it freaks me out presumebly for autism ocd reasons#like. i enjoy making the posts but scrolling through my blog and seeing too much repetition of things besides my usual digital art#bothers me?#so idk i wanted to say smthn#but im only making itnworse by adding more text post!!!!!#augh i think im just hoping that if i say it it will make it happen#i shojld do that w all the rhings i have to do#i gotta finish my homeworrkk. i gotta. ask a question to a classmate bc my teacher refused to awnser (SCARY. I FEAR PEOPLE MY AGE)#i gotta put away my clothes. i gotta clean the bathroom sink .#i gotta wash some of my ponies that got messed up when family visited + some of the new ones (less important but im feeling guilty abt it)#i gotta make vet appointment for cat bc its been a while and i dont trust him not to lie to me abt his health#i gotta figure out what to do with the shelf that my cats wont let me keep organized bc they push everything off#like? use it for things they wont push off IDK#i gotta actually ask people to hang out bc otherwise i never see anybody#i gotta. get a job :/#idk man. too many things to do when i just want to work on my crafts#<- guy who gets stressed out by Having Hobbies bc it feels like too much work#litterally watching tv is like a chore#and i have to mentally schedule my time w my craft projects to make them Most Efficent#and then i sit in my bed for an hour doing nothing but scrolling aimlessly on computer#king of executive dysfunction
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wowwwww more work being done in the building common areas with zero fucking notification from my landlord? everybody pretend to be surprised!
#im so angry. im *so* angry. maybe i'm the freak here but my general understanding is that in these contexts it is not unreasonable#to expect your stupid fucking landlord to drop you a text letting you know when work's getting done. i know they tell her about this#shit. just for some reason she never thinks it pertinent to tell me. & i can't even complain to her because she'll act like i'm the dick in#this situation. and i am dependent on her for housing. she is such a fucking prick & every time i talk to my sisters they're like ohoho it'#just [redacted] being [redacted] you know what she's like & it's like well yeah actually i do. way more than you do‚ though i know that#seems impossible to you! like it's really funny how the ones telling you she is an unreasonable git are the ones who actually had to live#with her. do you think that might perhaps suggest something about the situation at hand?#i think it's because me & my eldest sister both have pretty bad anxiety they feel entitled to dismiss what we say as exaggeration or#misinterpretation. when in fact living with her/putting up with her regularly is what exacerbates the anxiety in the fucking first place#like maybe a better fucking person wouldve realised that staying with my sister for six fucking weeks when she was post partum & nearly#fucking died due to not being listened to at the hospital if you are a person who never listens to people would be perhaps not the best mov#(and the entire rest of the family is on the other side of the country so she has no other real support system!!!!!!!!)#but nooooo she was only trying to help. i don't gaf at this point really i don't. she doesn't care enough to reflect she never has she neve#will. jesus fucking christ#like i *know* what it looks like when my sister gets bad okay? i know. but the key difference there is that she actually did think about#it and change her behaviour. which is why we now enjoy spending time together but neither of us can tolerate our aunt. because she won't#& everyone acts like my sister is soooo unreasonable. man fuck you
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When bdubs said "AINT NO KIDS WATCHING THIS!" girly I wish that were true
#and by that i mean we could all act like adults and let each other be weird freaks about them#basically kids = antis to me i guess is what im trying to say#but I still love that he knows his audience is mostly adults
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fuuuuuuck celiac disease
#my symptoms are never that bad but i never know how to explain the psychological distress#or the way the line around what is 'safe' is very fuzzy#like. technically there are restaurants that are safe for me but most places#and ESPECIALLY most places within a certain price range#are varying degrees of Not#and it's just#people try to be nice to you and they make it worse#we will order food special for you! don't worry!#because they want to include you#but on some level it is also just. be normal!! be normal and Eat At Restaurant like everyone else!!!#SOMETIMES I DONT WANT TO#i have a disability that makes it difficult for me to eat at restaurants!#sometimes the solution is to stop fucking expecting me to eat at restaurants!!#i dont know. im having problems again and i dont know why and i want to yell#sometimes the right accommodation is letting me be a control freak in peace#but unfortunately that makes people feel Yucky inside because monkey brain says food = community#so they keep trying to come up with alternatives that are not what i want#this is at work#i dont know how to communicate any of this in a way thats like. Normal#people dont want to accept that the existence of e.g. gluten free bread doesnt just. fix everything#and they get all Sad about it#like. literally it's fine#just accept that my life is a bit different. please#it isnt Worse it's just different#the bread IS worse but that's not really a big deal. im still out here living my life#anyway im TRYING to navigate the social complexities of Boss Buys Employees Food Sometimes#but. good lord is it ever exhausting sometimes#personal
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AHHHH STARTING A QUEER FAITH CLUB AT MY SCHOOL PLS HELP
#IM SO NERVOUS#today i finally got sick of trying to join christian/catholic groups where i had to be afraid to express myself#now im making my own HAHAHAHAHAAH#but idk somehting about going to instagram dot com & saying I AM QUEER is freaking me out#idk#n e way#im gonna do it scared#YEAH#making an interest check ig post now#on the club's offical ig o#lets see what happens#this is just me so far btw
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its fucked up that psychiatrists n therapists always ask how you're doing -_- like consider:
i dont even know
i dont wanna think abt it much less talk
dont worry abt it
#p#psych appt tomorrow ugh. trying to figure out that question in advance cuz i never know what to say otherwise#making me talk about myself should be illegal like lets just not!!#delete later#immm the problem but i guess meds can help feel less shitty in general probs#therapy tho is frustrating cuz ill talk abt the same issues for over a decade n im just like this#not like smth happened to me i have to process im justtt#idk bitching abt it wont help idc#like i Am fine i just freak out/feel bad if i think abt myself too much
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working with children really will make you examine your thought processes and emotional reactions like nothing else. I've found myself being so much more thoughtful in my daily life about how I respond to my emotions and environment, as well as the reasoning behind why others behave the way they do
#yesterday i got really frustrated and overwhelmed at one point because this one little girl keeps getting really upset when she cant help me#like shell ask to help and i wont have a task (or ive run out bc shes already helped) shes capable of so i tell her that#and thank her for being thoughtful and helpful. admittedly the first time this happened i was really frustrated w her already#bc she had made a huge mess doing something i told her not to do and then didnt want to clean it up and she only came back#and asked to help because her friend had been helping me. so i was like girl. you didnt even clean up the last mess#but i also had nothing for her to do. anyway she started screaming and hid under a table so then her friend did it sith her just. because.#idk kids will see their friend freaking out and they do it too. and i understand it but my god. i dont deal well with really loud noise#and she did it again yesterday. i let her help me and then i ran out of tasks and she started crying and saying i never let her help#and for some reason there were like 6 other kids in there all wanting to help so then several of them started freaking out#and i could not handle it. i literally told my coworker like im about to cry right now lmao#and later the little girl was like wanting to hug me and talk to me and acting like nothing happened and i found myself wanting to withdraw#like i was feeling like i wanted to avoid her and not speak to her or be cold but i also knew i didnt want to treat her that way#and i took a couple minutes by myself and thought about why i felt that way‚ what the effects of that would be‚ and how the kid felt#and i really just had to remind myself that she was feeling just as many emotions as i was but that shes only had 6 years#to learn how to manage them and deal with them in a productive way. she wasnt trying to upset me. she wasnt trying to make me mad#she was just dealing with her emotions in the only way she knew how. and im an adult and if she can get over it i really need to get over it#long ass tag story sorry
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there are people saying jesusjudas isnt real toxic yaoi bc jesus wasnt toxic... yeah ok so i was about to start speaking but then i got sleepy and realised i probably shouldnt. say the words i was going to. um. hm. do me a favour dont look at the tags
#yippee goodnight someone should remind me to permanently block mar on all platforms someday#saying jedas isnt toxic on both sides is like shiori haters who dont think juri did anything wrong#... jedas is juriori for bible freaks. is what im trying to say.#ok. ok. goodnight#wait ok. so. so. jesus son of god. who cant just be in love with a man. his disciple. but he is. he is in love with him#jesus son of god. who is afraid and angry of this love that he shldnt have. pushing judas away. refusing to let him know why hes doing this#jesus son of god. who loves everyone. but still hates this one man. bc he cant atop loving him differently.#who sees judas as someone special. but who he cant let himself be too close to. so he loves him from afar. idolises him#but that isnt good for normal man judas. obviously. its weird and frustrating when the person you love appears to almost despise you#especially harder when hes literally the kindest and most wonderful man youve ever seen. so why does he hate you? help#yeah. ok. basically. jedas juriori bye bye#the bible#<- for me to find. hm. should make my bible tag something less. yk. someday ig#ughhhh
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Bout to test this public WiFi
#summer camp tag#travel tag#ace is a mess#its giving old hprp ace vibes :/ returning to our roots while sleep deprived#i do apologise for audio quality but also not cus im talking to myself in public so this is as good as it gets#but yeah. gonna go be a health centre assistant at american summer camp cus i wanted medical/child care related work experience#as if i didnt have a panic attack a couple months ago trying out a new supermarket#now gonna pretend i can be trusted to go to another country when i hate flying and trying new things#but told myself i had to try doing more things that scare me so 🤷♀️ here we are i guess#i do apologise if this makes no sense i cannot follow a logic conversation structure at the best of times let alone when my head is so fuzzy#im actually freaking out about this flight and the whole immigration thing though like i have a layover#so do i go through immigration at my first american airport or the second when i reach my destination? whats security like?#ive only ever done internal uk flights and ooh stressed what if they ask me something and i say the wrong thing?#i have snacks in my bag but the thought of eating right now makes me nauseous am i even allowed to keep them in my carryon?
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...
#im just gonna complain abt it here bc i just have to accept that i can't irl bc no one else gets it#its hard to b a dyslexic grad student. u have to read so much. and its good. lots of reading is good. u just have to contend with a soul#crushing amout of discouragement at the fact u just kinda cant read while ur peers r like sure i can read this in class and have things to#say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to#let my computer read to me i cant fucking pay attention for long enough so i just have to accept that from here on out ill have to#physically read papers aloud which i hate so much. its the only way i can fucking understand things and it still makes me feel dumb bc ill#somehow still space out while reading and have to reread like 4 times before i understand wtf is being said. it takes forever and it takes#energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating#and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make#work ur whole life and im like yeah thats how i got it. its the only way i can keep swimming with the non dyslexics#so its like wtf do i do? i kinda have to take the hit and make work my whole life rn. morn the loss of other things for a while#i dunno im still a bummer rn. like im probably coming off as more an asocial freak than normal bc its hard to talk ans maintain conversation#rn. but whatever. sometimes things just suck and theres nothing u can do abt it but accept it and move on. ill learn lots of things with all#the reading i have to do and that's never a bad thing ...no matter how much i dont give a fuck abt animals#like jesus. i could not even begin to give a fuck about like 95% of mammals. fish r cool tho. plants too#but microbes is where its at. i dont understand y ppl dont understand how cool they r. oh well ill just have to tell them#if i can find my fucking enthusiasm. ugh i have to make one of my classes read a paper and i have to work with someone abt find it. she#works with like rabbits. i refuse to assign a mammal paper. i fucking refuse. we will do plants or microbes or fucking paleontology#i will fight her on this. ugh. light filtering or orchid speciation would b perfect. annoying#at least i get to work with some culturs this week#unrelated
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It is so fucking funny how someone telling me to do something is the fastest and easiest way to get me to want to Actively grind my life back to halt instead.
#horse.txt#vent //#its dumb. im being dumb let me be clear. this is about getting a fucking job. writing my resume. my mom told me i need to#'start getting serious' about it#and i do. i do.#im just. ghhhh i feel like im going to fucking explode. its so easy its so easy everybody has to do it i dont get to be fucking special#but knowing that never fucking Means anything i can know that like its tattooed to my eyelids and it doesn't change the fact that#i have no idea what the fuck to do#i have lists and lists and lists of advice and tips and help and links and i appreciate them bc at least now i have a foundation to jump off#but i still can't fucking get through them#i cant figure it out. its right there but the second i start to try i run into some roadblock and i start freaking the fuck out#and then i cant fucking go back to it bc by then ive spent an hour crying and im too tired to do anything but sit and cry some more#i hate the fucking options here. i hate the options everywhete. i dont want to fucking work dude im just. im not fucking there#but theres no other fucking option and people get so fucking mean when you try to say that bc im just being fucking lazy lazy lazy#i dont know. if i am im not sure i care that much anymore#im just tired of feeling so fucking miserable and useless but it's hard to ignore because i just amm!!!!!#the only thing i can do better than some people is draw and the idea of doing That for a job makes me feel sick to my stomach#man. i dont know. idk#sometimes i just have to catastrophize things to get it out of my system . iygiygi#ill be fine#just might be a tense Christmas apparently.
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