#what if my writing actually fucking sucks and i've just been wasting my life

[muzzlemouths]

having the kind of mental panic that not even Creating Art can fix. wuh oh

[lixzey]

Letters.

The Tenth Letter.

warnings: mentions of depression

Timothée was about to open the tenth letter, when he heard the sound of pattering on the roof and the sound of thunder roaring in the distance. He chuckled, another rainy day in New York. 

Maybe it was instinct that he wanted to protect this girl—or maybe it was something else. Maybe he was falling? Maybe he was actually falling for this mysterious girl. Timothée sighed, before opening the tenth letter, dated July 31st.

Dear Timothée, 

It's raining.

It's the kind of rain that makes you think of flash floods and Noah's ark. The kind that makes you want to wear your fluffiest sweater and socks and crawl into bed under the sheets where it's warm and safe. It calms me, it makes me feel safe and sound. The way the lighting comes after the booming thunder, little kids would get scared—fearing that they'd get struck by lightning—but for me, it's relaxing. 

What about you? Are you scared of thunder?

Timothée chuckled. What are the odds of reading the letter in the same weather? The probability of it was impossible, but here he was, reading the letter while the rain poured outside. 

The chances of getting struck by lightning are one to a million. That's the sort of thing that you'd hear on the news and you'd thank God that it wasn't you, but at the same time you'd feel bad.

Kind of like depression, really. You'd never expect it to be you. No one does. But the ugly truth is, a lot of people suffer from it and the majority of us are blissfully ignorant about it. When a person says they're depressed, they'd tell that person to suck it up and just move on—that there are people suffering worse than you. Invalidating their feelings, they bottle it up. Until one day, they explode. And at the end, when all is said and done, they're gonna be sorry because they didn't listen. People are treating depression like some sort of joke. Even when there's the Mental Health awareness, people look at depressed people like clowns. 

It's a chain reaction, really. Sharp words like knives cutting a person down, not thinking if that person is hurting, and all ending with a heart full of hatred against the world. And then what? That person feels unworthy—a waste of space, which ends up in doing things one shouldn't. 

“It's not your fault, none of it is.” 

But why does it feel like it is? Like I'm the catalyst for all the bullshit. The weight of it all is crushing me.

I'm haunted by the past, present, and future. I want to tell you, but I'm afraid someone else could read it. If you could just look into my mind, Timothée. 

You would see how the world treated me like shit. You would see every fucking thing that made me like this. 

Every night, I'd write a letter to you. Wondering if you'd ever get any of my letters. If you're listening, if you understand me. You said in an interview, “Love yourself for who you are and whoever you are, I'm gonna love you too. And when you suffer in life, suffer appropriately. And if you feel bad, that's fine! Just don't beat yourself up for feeling bad.” 

Am I delusional for thinking you'll love me? Based on what you said? Who am I kidding? I don't love myself. 

You're not going to love me. 

I've been suffering for too long and I've been feeling bad for half my life—beating myself up for it. 

If by some miracle, the pain goes away…..

Joke's on me. 

It's supposed to be fun, turning twenty one. 

All my love,

Y/N. 

Timothée felt an unsettling pit in his stomach. He prayed that Y/N was okay, and whatever she planned—he wished she didn't do. 

Suddenly, his phone rang. It was the private investigator he hired. Timothée sighed, hoping for good news. “Yes?” 

“I have a lead on the girl you're looking for, Mr. Chalamet. An address.”

The young actor nearly jumped on his bed in excitement. Timothée finally had an address. He could finally look for Y/N. Timothée quickly scrambled around his room, packing clothes and basic necessities—money, cards, and his passport—along with Y/N's letters. 

All eighteen letters. Ten opened, eight still sealed.  

Timothée stared at the photo in his wallet—the beautiful girl who he wanted so much to find. 

“I'm on my way, Y/N. Hold on, I'm coming.” 

@lovemelikecrazyiloveyoucrazy @helens3amstuff @gatoenlaciudad @thebetawolfgirl

[gipzisays209]

No way! I feel flattered!!!

Remember what I said before? About the sysmed server not knowing I exist? Well! It appears as though that would now be an incorrect statement! (More under the cut)

Let's go at this like it's English class, shall we? Dissect this post for it's contents?

"If you get this server taken down, we'll just make another server. ... If it comes to that, we'll just share the links in private GCs ..."

Well. Ain't that a kick in the head! If one server gets taken down, it's entirely possible to take another one down for the exact same reason! And saying you'll only hand out links privately... hate to break it to ya, but I, the host, am a Theatre kid. Acting is a hobby, and one I'm damn good at. You hand out links privately, only to people you deem trustworthy? Honey, that is my forte. ;)

"You're getting mad and defensive over us calling you out ... Instead of wasting your time reporting our server, maybe focus your energy on reporting servers that are actually harming people?"

Whoa, slow down there, hoss. Take a breather. You ever thought about why we're here? In your Discord? Taking screenshots and leaking them?

It's because, surprise surprise, fakeclaiming is harmful. It doesn't matter what it is, if you're getting fakeclaimed over a unique and individual experience/identity, that can (and sometimes will, sadly) cause a spiral that can lead to some nasty places. Depression. Isolation.

Even places like self-harm and suicide.

We are here because your server is harmful. We are here because you present an active threat to the community. But of course your HIGHNESS can't bear to think they're the problem!

"Addressing the ban claims, at one point we did ban a lot of faker systems from our server while rooting out a mole. Everyone from that event has since been unbanned. If you are still banned, its for a reason. Claims of us 'banning just because we can' are false. I could take a screenshot of our ban list and give a reason for every single one."

*Sips cup*

Yeah, I think we can move on from this one.

And now, the quote I've been so desperately wanting to address...

"Gip, because I know you’re in here, kindly stop sucking Ghost’s dick and get your own opinions, it would do everyone good. That goes for all of his little zombie followers. If your lives revolve around people on an online messaging app screwing around, re-evaluate your life choices."

Wow, where do I start with this one?

Blatant misgendering, bordeline going against their own rules when it comes to naming people on the server- I have 20 followers! And even then, you're still going to drop a version of my username? Just like that? Mmmmm...

I have my own opinions, thanks. I don't need a circlejerk discord to make me feel better about my own shitty fucking existence, cuz I have the balls to outright admit I'm a petty asshole with no fucking life. And my opinion is that people like Sophie, people like Cambrian and Lunastas and Guardian- all of them are fucking right. They have all proven they do their goddamn research, they actually give back to the communities they inhabit, and most of all, they aren't leeching off of people just by fucking existing, as hard as it is for you guys to believe.

(Also, if you're gonna insult someone, get it fucking right lmfao. Ghost is the goddamn host, Sophie is not Ghost. Two different people. Also, I'm fucking Asexual, so um, projecting much?)

Wow. As of writing this, they literally just got worse!

Well. You see, while I personally choose to censor Discord usernames to close loopholes like this, it's actually not the same as if you sent a Tumblr handle. What you're seeing in those screenshots are not identifiers, they are server nicknames. Which are specific to THAT SERVER ONLY. Unlike places like Tumblr and Twitter, where seeing your name automatically means someone can find you, on Discord it's actually not possible (that I know of) to doxx someone through a server nickname alone. So no, actually, Sophie didn't leave your username out there, only a server nickname, and the two are not the same. So yes, actually. Because Discord is it's own site with it's own way of handling usernames, it is perfectly acceptable what Sophie did (although not perfectly ideal), because nobody is going to be able to use those names alone to doxx and/or harass.

And finally, the final update as of writing this post... the almighty @ everyone ping...

Damn. I don't even have to AP English IV this shit, they already did it for me!

To sum it all up, phew... I guess I'm a target now! Which I'm honestly pretty damn fine with! But just know, I don't fuckin hold back. I will be a bitch for the sake of being a bitch, because I don't care how petty I am. I don't care about what people think of me, or whatever the fuck you could ever do to me.

I care about defending people from the likes of you.

So go on. Give me your best shot, then. You have the balls to call me out in front of your entire Discord server?

Challenge accepted, motherfucker.

Challenge accepted, motherfucker.

Challenge accepted.

Let's get 'em, bitches!

[ursineknight]

I've tried to write a big, special post about this book for a week, but I think I'm just spinning my wheels now. Please enjoy some loosely collected thoughts about The Luminous Dead. Spoilers below.

-----

The Luminous Dead was a super effective horror novel for me. I had to go sit next to my partner and be patted on the arm while I was getting through the last 10%, lmao.

The limited third-person POV works so, so well in a story where one character’s understanding of her environment starts deteriorating.

Our protagonist Gyre is exploring a deep cave system at the behest of a mysterious corporate concern all by herself. She’s wired into her cave suit, recycling and recirculating waste material in a closed loop, and subsisting off of food delivered straight to her gut because a monster in the caves may be attracted to any trace of humans.

From the second Gyre enters the caves, she’s robbed of connecting to her environment with three of her senses: smell, taste, and touch. She especially laments the last as exploration of the cave wears on her.

All that’s left to her is sight and sound, and it’s not enough.

SEEING

The author, Starling, makes it clear from the beginning that what Gyre sees is what we get to see. When Em, Gyre’s handler, hides the fallen body of Adrian Purcell, a solo caver from a previous expedition of the exact mission Gyre is on, from her suit’s sight, it disappears for us, too.

Which makes Gyre’s later visions of Isolde, Hanmei, Jennie, and Eli, other previous cavers who are connected in darker and deeper ways to Gyre’s current foray, walking around at the edge of her vision suck so bad, lmao. Especially after she cuts Em off from communication because she’s convinced Em’s messing with the suit displays to fuck with her. Now, Gyre thinks, she can trust her own perception. Like, surely everything she perceives now she can trust is happening. Despite doing this on the tail of seeing the supposedly dead mother of Em down in the caves. Oof.

Gyre’s go-your-own-way attitude comes from a life where she’s only been able to depend on herself, as her mother and father are both absent in different ways before she came down in the caves. Cleaving to her independence becomes deadly as she loses her grip on reality, though.

Especially as Gyre cuts off human contact and perhaps invites something else in, to keep her company. When she cuts off Em’s communication to her suit and herself, she only gets rid of what she’s thinking as Em’s poisonous influence by opening herself up to the cave, actually. She literally cuts Em’s line and then opens her suit’s helmet up to the air of the cave for the very first time. She says she can feel the cave on her skin.

The unraveling thread of Gyre’s sanity from here on could just be her stress. It could be fungal spores, as Gyre’s noted mushrooms in the caves and even populating the bodies of the dead down there. Even worse, there’s an idea that the cave itself gets into her. She starts weaving together the apparitions of the dead with the sense that the cave wants her to crawl back down to its lowest levels. Maybe it’s got its claws in her and doesn’t want what it has to leave.

To Gyre’s credit, she thoughtfully doubts her perceptions—near the beginning. As we run up to the end, Gyre no longer has time to doubt herself; that and the insomnia, the hunger, the weeks of isolation, the burgeoning infections make her so weak to taking what’s in front of her directly.

Even when she’s being directly contradicted at the end, Gyre won’t let go of what she’s seeing. Gyre’s insistence on the dead’s presence near the end, when Em literally is throwing up all the overlays and readings to show Gyre nothing is there!! MAN!!

HEARING

The dead never speak to Gyre. Em eventually becomes a source of truth for Gyre in the cave by being a dependable voice in her ear vs. these visions of the lost cavers appearing only to Gyre and never being perceivable by Em. These dead even touch Gyre, near the end. Jennie, a dead caver that especially haunts Gyre’s thoughts because Gyre keeps coming back to her corpse again and again, drags Gyre to the edge of the Long Drop (a miles-long straight drop in the cave system). If we can believe Gyre.

Gyre can’t entirely trust her hearing either, though. At different times, she thinks she hears music, or humming, or steps, only to realize she didn’t. Gyre always has a second thought that it might have been real, though, and her doubt sticks in your craw.

BELIEVING

Tangent, but the phantom humming and the “dead” comms channel are especially eerie. Gyre and Em finally realize Gyre’s been hearing something when Gyre snaps at her to stop humming, but it gets lost in the argument they have afterwards and Em files it away as stress hallucinations. But when Gyre is separated from Em? The humming is back, and casts doubt on Gyre’s desperate, fraying belief that she is alone down there.

And the “dead” comms channel especially throws a wrench in Gyre’s control of the situation. When Gyre cuts Em off of the suit's comms, she does it by switching to an empty communication channel...that she realizes she cannot switch back. She wanders through half the cave by herself, increasingly convinced somebody is down in a death trap of a cave with her. And then she thinks there's somebody on the line with her, too— watching her run down the last of her supplies without a word.

Not only is Gyre stuck pleading with dead air, there’s an implication that some shadowy other influence is not only listening to her, but trying to control her body. And it succeeds—at one particularly tense moment where Gyre appears to have finally gotten the upper hand, she seemingly loses control of the suit to whoever is sitting in silence on the ghost channel and they literally break her only chance at survival.

What it comes down to for me is this. While I can think of a logical reading of the novel—Gyre is hallucinating badly because of paranoia and stress from early on, and it only getting worse as things go to shit—the timbre of Gyre’s panic and her constantly rounding back on herself on whether or not she can believe her perceptions color that whole experience. I cannot in good faith just say to somebody, “Oh, she imagined all those things.” Somewhere deep down, I question myself, too. And that’s why “The Luminous Dead” will be on my mind for a long time.

Also, lmao. “Gyre.” “Lethe.” We love references. I see you, Starling.

[theambivalentagender]

I love your comic!! What inspired you to share Zekes story?

There's a lot to this answer so buckle up.

I've always been a writer, ever since I was a little kid telling stories has been my entire life's goal. But its been a struggle, and for a long time I've felt kinda lost in trying to survive taking soul sucking desk jobs. It honestly destroyed any desire I had to create.

And then at the beginning of 2022 I got abruptly fired (for what I don't think are honest reasons but that's another story). And then I found myself just not being able to land a new job no matter what I did - I worked in a tech-adjacent industry and know others in similar positions also have had these issues. Weeks turned into months, and my mental health took a nosedive.

That summer I noticed one of my long time close friends kept popping up on steam playing Stardew Valley at odd hours in the morning. I'd heard of the game before, I loved farming sims, and I really needed a distraction. So I finally bought it.

Long story short, several hours into the game this motherfucker hits me up with this line:

So you can imagine what that did to my psyche. I got so god damn invested in the game. Like I do with any game, I started modding the crap out of it, mostly to add more lines for Shane. And then I found myself imagining my own little story with my farmer.

For a good while this was just a dumb headcanon story I had every time I played Stardew. But then I found myself actually plotting things out, connecting different aspects of SDV that were "unexplained" or "implied" with the story I was developing in my head. And then I realized - I was making a story again. I was feeling the exact same way I used to feel when I would plan out and write a play, or a short story, or one of my many unfinished novels. It was such a good feeling, and I started coming around to the idea that I shouldn't just keep this story in my head.

I dealt with a lot of self doubt over it of course. The last time I wrote anything like fanfiction was when I was 10 and it was a HP fanfic where I misspelled Slytherin in five different ways. Some part of me felt like it would be wasting time because I wouldn't make money off of it. Another part of me worried I'd be mocked for writing an entire self-indulgent story about a borderline self-insert character romancing a grumpy pixel man, when I was nearly 30 living in an apartment with a long term partner and shouldn't be doing such *childish things*.

I lurked around the SDV fandom for a long time before actually posting anything, and seeing other people, often people close to my own age, doing exactly what I was afraid of because fuck it, we're adults and we get to decide what that means, really helped. It also helped to see a positive community praising and supporting creators of all skill levels.

As for the money thing, I ended up "justifying" it to myself that if I made myself draw just about every day working on the comic (since I had decided to make it a comic rather than a fanfic), that would help me bring my art skills up to par with my writing skills. And, well, it would probably help my mental health if I had something productive to work on while I still looked for a job, because there's only so many times you can rotate between various video games.

I honestly didn't expect the comic to get as much attention as it has. But I told myself even if nobody cared about it, I'd make it for the one person who wanted to see this story play out - me.

[scarlet--wiccan]

hi hope ur having a good day! sorry for the incoming stupid question but I didn't rlly know who else to ask. i plan on writing a mcu fic and wanda&pietro are going to be side characters in it, I don't like the fact that the mcu white washed them so I was planning on writing them as romani+Jewish but in one of your posts you discourage non-Roma to write Romani characters bc we might write them like a stereotype. should I write them as only Jewish or? thanks for reading

No, I would never tell you to erase or omit the fact that these characters are Romani. You should be able to include characters of color in your narrative without intruding on closed cultures or experiences that would be inappropriate for you to speak on.

In the past, I've stated that it's not appropriate for non-Romani people to write first-hand about Romani culture, community and upbringing. To that end, I would discourage anyone who is writing original fiction from using Romani characters as primary or POV protagonists. That doesn't mean you should never include Romani characters, however, rather than aiming for "authentic representation," you should focus on being aware of the social and historical contexts that apply to those characters and their circumstances. You can develop a sense of where a person comes from, what their family does, what kind of challenges they've faced, and things like that without digging into stuff like culture and customs. That may limit the scope of what you can represent-- you're not going to be writing about life inside a traditional community, for example-- but that's okay. You're just going to have to leave it to us to share those stories, if and when we choose.

With existing characters like Wanda and Pietro, it's tough because there are already so many voyeuristic and stereotypical depictions of their upbringing and their community in the canon. My goal has always been to sort through that material and identify the parts that are truthful or informative, and share them with proper context so that other fans can develop a better understanding of what these characters represent. I'm very happy to answer more specific questions about that, if you have any.

I don't know what the plot of your fanfic is, or how closely its going to hew to the M C U, but if you can do the research and figure out an appropriate, accurate way to fit European Romani characters into that setting, then more power to you. Personally, I think that those movies, especially the Avengers ones, kinda suck, and there's nothing salvageable about that version of Wanda or Pietro. It's not just that they're white, their story is an overall poor adaptation of the source material, and inserting Romani characters into those roles would actually create really awful, racist optics. These people are HYDRA collaborators, for fuck's sake. I don't think anybody, especially gadje, should be waste their time trying to "fix" the M C U Maximoffs.

[oops-prow-did-it-again]

I am blocking on sight anyone that puts any fucking discourse over "moral" fiction or whatever the fuck on my dash. I have blocked 5 people in the last month. I don't care if I've been a mutual with you for years, if you engage in this kinda shit, especially on the side of believing that certain fiction shouldn't be allowed, then you are someone I have no respect for.

Unless someone is actually straight up committing a crime (I.E., posting *actual* photographs or videos of REAL LIFE PEOPLE, not fictional/drawn people, REAL PEOPLE, being harmed/sexually abused) I Do Not Care what other people read or write or watch or make. I Do Not Care. I do not trust anyone else's, especially on the piss on the poor website, to be able to determine if a text is "glorifying" something or if they are just uncomfortable with the subject as a whole. You people all suck at media comprehension and I am just flatly not interested. I keep seeing posts of people making good points and then people ripping them apart in the most bad faith possible. "Someone else's media consumption doesn't hurt you" "yes except for when abuse is portrayed as love, or-" no. shut the fuck up. You Missed The Point. You DO NOT KNOW, and you CAN NOT KNOW, why someone else wrote or created something nor can you know why anyone chose to engage with it. Also, sometimes the fucking point of a story is to portray something bad as good, to serve a narrative purpose. that doesn't mean the author thinks it IS.

I Do Not Care about icky feelings. If you can't tell fiction from reality, that's a you problem. Leave us writers/artists the fuck out of it. And if your knee-jerk reaction to this is "oh, you're just making excuses For The Freaks" you are part of the problem and I also have no respect for you.

FWIW, I am an abuse survivor and I find everyone's moral panic over shitty fanfiction stupid at best and upsetting at worst. You people freak out over fictional bad things happening to fictional people, to the point you waste the resources and time of people that actually hunt down predators by sending them loli fanart? You make me feel like you care about fictional people more than you care about the victims. Also, you'll be fucking fine if you hear about weird art or fic happening. Just don't fucking read it yourself. But knowing it exists won't fucking hurt you. You know what does hurt you? ACTUAL ABUSE. Like the kind so many of the creators you demonize go through, bc like I said before, you can't know why people make the art they make and you certainly can't know whether someone's a victim or not. And people shouldn't HAVE to disclose their victim status for you to make sure you're only attacking the "acceptable" people.

Maybe just don't fucking attack people over some fucking fanfiction or fanart. period. go the fuck outside.

You crave ruthless, vindictive justice more than you crave to help people. You are after the high of feeling good about putting people down, the "right" people.

And I Have No Respect For You.

[hextechmaturgy]

7 and 8 :-)

7. Weapon of choice?

Hmmm depends on the game I guess........ I avoid P2 combat as much as I can. Never helped Stakh with those worms, didn't even bother to defend my dad's house from robbers LMAO they can keep that shit. I just find combat to be a huge waste of time, and I'm not good at video games so the chances of me dying during it are high, and dying in P2 sucks. This is another reason why I prefer P1! The combat is just as wonky but it's not taking itself too seriously. Most of the guns in the game are fun, I'm a big fan of the shotgun , but I think my weapon of choice is a knife. 🔪 Can easily find new ones if you keep killing muggers, and trying to melee in this game is just glorious. You can practice being good with a knife for hours and you still won't be any good with it, and that's fine because this is all make believe <333 I also get a kick out of stabbing people thinking of it as a character choice. Doctors using a cutting tool to kill instead of healing etc etc, this shit writes itself.

8. Best side character? (You can only choose 1!!!!)

Who could've seen this one coming, she's about to say Bad Grief!! P1 and P2 Grief are two miserable little rat men that won't leave my house for very different reasons. It's my understanding that P2 Grief never really had much to his name, besides his friends. Probably grew up poor in the streets, mischievous to a fault but always good deep down. He wanted to not be miserable all his life, and in his universe this goal demands some selfishness. He gains notoriety in the streets, gains people's respect at last and some modicum of financial stability, but in so doing he loses all his friends, who now see him as one of the bad guys. And you can't blame them for thinking that, he's literally hanging out in shady warehouses selling knives, but we know he never partakes, he even warns his men not to kill and possibly requests Andrey's help to put the ones who disobey in line. Is it worth "being someone" if the price you pay is crushing loneliness? <- Grief arguing with his own reflection. And then P1 Grief is a whole other can of worms, he's SO fucking funny for a start, everything he says needs to go into a quote book. He's the opposite of his P2 counterpart, playing the part of the innocent fool just trying to get by, when he's actually the mastermind of the underworld. That is already a really fun character concept, but then you get to the Changeling route and a whole new side of this character is revealed. You sit there going, huh. You've known you were a toy this whole time too? P1 Grief is much older, he's been around the violence and the misery and hopelessness of this game he can never escape from, playing the role of the big bad wolf. I reckon he figured: hey, if I'm doomed to be a bad guy all my life, I might as well be best bad guy I can. Let it be fun for me too. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to change, he's absolutely devastated that even Clara may not forgive him, and if the holy girl can't do it, he's doomed doomed. I've mentioned before that P2 Grief could grow into P1 Grief in a way, after what Aglaya puts him through. Nothing matters, so why should I care that cutting is wrong; the blood on my hands isn't real. EVERYONE needs to play the changeling route !!!!!!

[kwaggysshardmindemporium]

Album! Okay so today was Oar by Alexander 'Skip' Spence. I'm sorry Skip but this is bad. The BEST songs on it are like the definition of "the lower end of okay." And those are the first few songs. After that, it sounds like the artist is getting progressively more bored of making music. I legitimately feel like my time was wasted listening to this. I would say listen if you need a nap, but I've had TWO albums recently that would do that for you that DIDN'T suck completely and totally. (Those would be Ys and The Hour of Bewildebeast, to clarify.) If it wasn't obvious, 1/5. Not the worst thing I've been made to suffer through, but definitely the worst thing I've had in a while.

And you know what? I don't love being this negative. So let's talk about something I LIKE that I've been wanting to post about but never get around to it. Let's talk about my *favorite* band. My favorite song. The song I'm listening to right now to wash the taste out of my mouth. Big long gush plus some song links about something I love very much below the break.

So, my favorite band is The Amazing Devil. You know Jaskier from the Netflix Witcher series? Yeah, he's the lead singer of a band, too. This one. It's great. They write some of the most poignant music you'll hear in your fucking life. The genre I've seen it described as is "gothic folk" and it's very good. Their most popular song according to Spotify at 11.5 million plays, and the first song I ever heard from them myself, is the title track of their second album: "The Horror and the Wild." It's a great song. Here ya go:

That whole album is great, but fair warning if you or a loved one close to you have severe mental health struggles, the opening track "The Rockrose and the Thistle" is about that in a very raw way and might be a tough listen. Similarly, if you've had experiences with abuse, "The Unwanted Animal" towards the middle might be triggering. I personally check both boxes here even if I don't really talk about the latter, and it's probably the only song on there I have real difficulty listening to.

The *best* song on that album in my opinion, is "Farewell Wanderlust," their second-most popular song. Have a link:

I listened to this, got to this song, and knew instantly that this was my new favorite band.

And y'all? This isn't their best song, nor their best album.

Their best album IMO is Ruin, their most recent album. The album goes a little harder on the drums and faster on the guitar, and the subject matter is generally less grim. So it absolutely *soars.* The songs are fucking powerful. The other song I hear a lot of people say they know from this band is on this album because it's... I guess I'd call it a minor viral hit? It's called "Drinking Song for the Socially Anxious" and while it's a good song that title is a LIE. It's a story song about two nerdy and socially stunted people finding solace in each other's presence at a party. It's very sweet but very much not a drinking song.

Another great track on this album that I love a lot is "Blossoms," a song about a very nasty messy breakup.

And let's stop dancing around it. My favorite song from this band, and by extension my favorite song PERIOD and it's not very close, is "The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace." It's a song about overcoming your demons and if not becoming the person you want to be at least becoming someone who isn't weighed down by the shit the world has shoveled on them. Strap in, it's fucking long.

They do have another album, Love Run. It's their first album. I've listened to it, and it's... fine. Nowhere near as good as the later two, really only bother if you decide you like this band and want the complete experience. You won't be wasting your time but if you're like me you just won't like it as much. I'm not gonna spam links to songs off it because there's not much on there that does it for me.

Don't really have a closer here. Hope a mutual or two actually reads this and gives the band a listen. And even if you don't, if you're seeing this I appreciate you reading it.

[wikiangela]

my 911 fics ranked by how much fun i had writing them - based on the ranking by @sibylsleaves bc it seemed fun, thank you for the idea ❤️

as of now I have 34 buddie fics (lmao what), so I did a top 10 (it was hard to narrow down tbh because I generally have fun writing all my fics, but this is the top 10:

1. For a holiday (and forevermore)

Eddie's sick of personal, intrusive questions about his love life whenever he visits his family, so he starts bringing Buck for the holidays as his (fake) boyfriend. He only wants to shut them up, and doesn't expect that the small crush he has on his best friend could actually turn into something more...

my first (and for now only) buddie multi chapter fic, inspired by the movie holidate (2020) - I saw the movie and had a vision, and this started - I'm having so much fun writing this, even if some chapters are more difficult (and it's getting away from me and they do what they want lol) - and writing Eddie so oblivious and so deep in denial is just so fucking fun, overall 9.5/10

2. I can't love you any more (than I do now)

Eddie's pretty sure he and Buck are dating and kind of living together. Neither acknowledges it, until Eddie finally does.

this is my newest one rn, and it's disgustingly fluffy and domestic, and I loved writing it so much, needed some fluff with all the 6b stuff - and I've been looking for an excuse to use this song as a fic title lmao (it didn't turn out exactly how I wanted, but writing it was a blast fr haha) 9/10

3. There’s no way that it’s not going there (with the way that we’re looking at each other)

5 times people wrongly assume Buck and Eddie are together + 1 time it's actually true.

wrote this two years ago and I remember having a lot of fun with that - now there's about a hundred things I'd do differently with this one, but I enjoyed writing it at the time haha (this is also THE fic with the most kudos out of all of my fics out of all of the fandoms for some reason? lol) 8/10

4. we got time (but we're only human)

“We got time, Eds.” Buck chuckles. “Not enough.” Eddie’s voice breaks a little. Buck squeezes his hand. “We almost ran out of time, and I can’t just wait until it happens again, Buck. Besides, life is short. We’ll never really have enough time, because a lifetime with you wouldn’t be enough." Or, Buck wakes up from his coma, and Eddie, done with wasting time, confesses his feelings.

post-6x10, but fluffy and happy, really loved writing this one, had a great time with it, 8/10

5. Who said this is a good idea?

Buck and Eddie are drunk, their inhibitions are low, and things escalate pretty quickly.

one of the fictober22 prompts, one of the easiest and quickest to write somehow, had fun with this one 7.5/10

6. You love this, don't you?

Clipboard Buck makes a reappearance, and Eddie's forced to confront his feelings.

this was supposed to be a silly clipboard!Buck fic, but then it got horny so I wrote a second chapter (while lowkey cringing at myself bc it's kinda out of my comfort zone lol), and I had a blast writing it, even if it lowkey sucks (idk if it does, I'm harsh on myself lmao) 7.5/10

7. Fine

Eddie’s foot feels heavy on the gas pedal, while his hands grip the steering wheel tightly, to prevent them from shaking. He’s driving almost on autopilot, while trying his best to compartmentalize and focus on just getting to the hospital, trying not to think about Buck- about what’s happening in the back of the ambulance right now. Or, after the drive to the hospital after Buck's hit by lightning, Eddie loses it. Sort of 6x10 coda.

It was easy to write, the words were just pouring out of me, and I think I blacked out for the last 1k words, it's the saddest thing I've written lol 7/10

8. You're making my head hurt

Eddie's really tired and accidentally confesses his love for Buck.

accidental confessions are my fave to write, I just feel like it'd fit them, and it might not be my best, but I had fun writing it, 7/10

9. don't know what I'd do if your tomorrow never came

He can’t help but think that this is some kind of sick joke from the universe, which he doesn’t believe but he knows Buck would. “The universe is screaming at you and you refuse to listen” is what Buck said once, it feels like a lifetime ago. He didn't believe it, then, either. And now the universe is mocking Eddie, having him have to tell their kid about Buck, just like Buck had to tell him about the shooting. Eddie doesn’t know how Buck did it, how he had the strength, because he’s on the verge of breaking down and shattering into a million little pieces. Or, Eddie goes home to tell Christopher about Buck getting hurt.

post 6x10, only this low bc I started writing it and loved it, and then I didn't have time to finish, so I got back to it later, and kinda struggled with the second half ngl haha gotta learn to write shit down as soon as it comes to me fr, 6.5/10

10. I think he knows

Eddie just could not tear his eyes away from him. And Buck finally noticed, looking back at him. “What?” “What? Nothing.” Eddie felt his face heat up, as he took another sip of his beer. “Why are you looking at me like that?” Buck’s piercing gaze was still on him, and Eddie felt as if he could read him so easily. “Like what?” he decided to play dumb. Maybe he’d succeed. “I don’t know.” Buck responded slowly. “You’re being weird tonight. Well, you’ve been acting weird for the past few weeks, actually.” “Weird how?” Eddie frowned, his heart hammering loudly. He knew how. But was he really being that obvious? Or Eddie's crush is becoming really obvious, so he does something about it.

it was just a silly idea about them getting together happening in the kitchen, it got away from me, I had a lot of fun with this one, even if it didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to, but I don't think as much as the previous ones (it's so difficult to rank those fr) 6/10

[passionfruitmango]

Gonna do a vent post, thank you if you choose to read, I respect if you choose to keep scrolling! 💖

Oh my god today is so hard. Even finding the words to describe is embarrassingly hard.

Kinda broke down to my boss this morning. I don't know if I had a full mental break but I got really close. I want to say she heard me but I also have this feeling that until I'm screaming and crying my mental health isn't taken seriously.

I'm tired of consistently starting my week having to finish someone else's job before I can even start mine, so many of the previous shifts assigned job duties have become mine (because obviously your fryer won't heat up if the vents aren't fuckimg turned on, among countless other things) and I have been telling my boss for going on a year now where this coworker needs to be talked to about improvement. This person is the type to improve in one area and drastically reduce in another. Why do they still have a job genuinely? Because my boss is more worried about finding someone to replace them than writing them up for their mistakes. Boss is "scared they'll quit" LIKE FUCKING GOOD. PLEASE. LET THEM GO.

Any time the morning shift coworker does something theyre "supposed to" it's like they find a way to do it wrong enough that it makes more work for me. What has me fucked up is this coworker ASKED ME TO TEACH THEM WHAT I WANT LEFT FOR ME WHEN I COME IN, I TAUGHT THIS COWORKER, AND THEY BLATANTLY DISREGARDED MY TEACHING UPON DOING IT THEMSELF. so why waste my fucking time? Disrespectful as fuck.

I genuinely have gotten past the point of rage to full blown dissociating. It's either that or I'm crying as I'm trying to do my job.

Could I tolerate this all if I at least got some kind of positive reinforcement from someone with a title or even a teammate? Possibly.

Am I aware I deserve better than this job has me feeling? Gods yes but we all know when you live in a small town and have been working somewhere for eons, it's not exactly easy to find another job at the same base pay youre currently at.

Idk. Boss told me they'll take it upon themself to make sure everything is done but that's not the point. That's a band aid fix and I told them that (im also almost certain we had the same discussion 6 months ago and here I am again) If I come in tomorrow and have to deal with the same shit I've been dealing with for the last year? I'm just going home. I have hundreds of hours of sick time, im going to start using them when I'm sick of the shit I'm dealing with. Ffs im not getting a prize or even a happy team of coworkers by burning myself like this. "If I don't do it-who will" headass stupid fucking expression I used to gaslight myself into thinking this is okay

ITS FUCKING NOT OKAY. I'm stressed in my personal life and need change and the fact I've had to spell that shit out to my boss countless times??? Fuck outta here I could take a month off with solid sick time and still have enough left to do it for another month. Suck my ass im done being your bitch, figure out how to fix your store or figure out how to replace an employee that ACTUALLY does their job along with the one that doesnt!!!

I feel great having let that all out via text but im still struggling so fucking much. I just want to go home and sleep. And that's bad. I know I have things to do but I can't muster the energy because I'm using it all to fake normal through my work day. This isn't living. And I want to escape. All my old vices are begging me to come home. How do you tell your loved ones you're struggling when it's like they don't hear the words as they leave your mouth?

Genuinely. I feel like my mental health won't be taken seriously until I break. Why do I have to break first?

Buy a multivitamin, use the therapy light, keep on keeping on because everyone's fight is just as bad as mine. I'm just stuck in the dumps about it.

Do I need a friend? Or will they turn me into their shoulder to cry on when I ask if they'll be mine?

Editing to add other things on my mind that I'm only irritated about when I'm already feeling low:

Its been probably a month now since I paid someone for something I still haven't recieved? Like I understand life gets in the way and external circumstances, but telling me twice that I'll be getting tracking the next day and both times I've not gotten tracking? Atp just ask if I want my money back, honestly willing to cut my losses because the person I paid has gifted me shit for the same amount I'm currently out, I'm just feeling awkward and having trauma triggered because I've already asked what's up twice. And I'm pretty sure my reply from last time is still unopened and unread. :/

On the same topic, different person I paid, commissioned some art and it's also been multiple months with no updates. I reached out to their business page thinking it was something on my end I forgot to get to, yeah they have also not checked their business page. Again, I respect life happens. But a little communication would be DIVINE. Another situation where I will most likely be cutting my losses because I have learned not to spend/give more money than you're willing to lose. But im still irritated about it.

[strwbrrryseeds]

sunday rant about the world

i'm going to be so honest and say that depression and anger fueled by the state of the world is the worst and i know this isn't just a me thing but i gotta vent about it anyways

this is from the drafts and i've been in bed all day so it's not going to be cohesive srry

does anyone else getting so sincerely tired of what is happening in the world and, if you live in the united states, what's happening in america as well? not in the sense that i’m tired of spreading awareness, protesting, supporting families in need or donating where i can or doing other forms of support and activism. but just like. tired of the sheer amount of terrible shit that's happening in the world seemingly back to back and overlapping??

like i was thinking about it while walking by a newscast of the olympics in my living room. like they talked about the olympics for seemingly much longer than sonya massey or another woman in new jersey (whom they didn't name) who was shot for having a mental health crisis and not wanting the police to come into her home. it just feels so dystopian all of the time and i'm so tired of how the world is working.

not to mention that the news and most of the american people who have actual fckin power fund and support the genocides in gaza and congo, which also fucking sucks because god knows how powerless we seem to the american government when you live in here.

genuinely cannot see myself ever being happy knowing this is what is happening every single day of my 20s and most likely far before my 20s that i just was never aware of because american society and media in itself is so biased and manipulated that even forming media literacy is hard without the funds to get a college degree sometimes that can give you the choice of learning what media literacy even is.

the theme of my high school and college years have been that of death and burning. death of loved ones, death of people in my town and my state and my country, mass deaths in the rest of the world, death of marginalized groups and groups that i am a part of, yet spoken about as if it's just another tuesday as life has gone on and i'm frankly so sick of it. the earth is burning and everyone in it is too, and we aren't doing enough despite the sheer amount of people in my generation who are trying so hard to reverse it all.

i can't seem to find joy and i can’t partake in the things that used to bring me joy (writing, art, video games) because it feels like every second i spend not glued to my phone for news updates about the world feels like a waste of time.

nothing seems as bright and worthy of joy as it did when i was 17 and unaware of any evils in the world, but i dont know if that was for the best or worst.

[6afurah]

Hey yeah it's been a while

Hey, No one is listening anyways.

Siapa je nak baca this account,

You know what I saw today?

Salma's blog website,

you know what i realized?

I am just so jealous, I am the lesser version of this girl, maybe she was never a homewrecker maybe i just lost because maybe just maybe maybe maybe MAYBE i SUCK.

Maybe I will always be less refined than her or any other girls Ismail was into, maybe i will always have frays and tears and look like something you find in the free pile section of car boot sales and independent thrift stores. Maybe i just suck, maybe i just suck to everyone that isn't me, maybe I'm the only one who actually likes me.

Maybe that's why I cant change and all i can do is sit and feel insecure over things I don't want to change because i like myself too much.

Writing? She writes too? You know what's something I've always wanted to tell people? That I wanted to write but I dont have the patience nor the memory for it, that my writing comes in my brain and disappears the moment i hold a pen. The moment I hold pen and press it onto the paper, it just disappears and my pen is just left there getting dried and I don't even keep trying i just accept the fact I can't fucking write and I keep consuming books and knowing what constitutes as a good book and a bad book but never able to WRITE because this is what happens when you have the brain of a gold fish that sounds like 4 sentences are being written at the same time, when your fingers move faster than your mind can even form sentences.

My whole life all those around tell me I'm brilliant full of potential, I just need to be more refined.

What if I'm not fucking refined, guys? Is this not fucking art to you? is this not fucking literature to you? Is a human being blowing up out of jealousy, insecurity, self hatred, self acceptance, self love, conflicting ideas, not complex enough for your bullshit ideas of what constitutes as art? Is this not what you wanted? did you not want a think piece of someone blowing up? losing their mind on a blog that NO ONE will see? Is this not a performance in it's own right? to scream into an outlet that will NEVER be discovered ? Since when did writing and at have to be refined? where the fuck is the genre for people like me who can't seem to find it in themselves to slow down and pace my pharagraphs? to not wind around the same topic over and over and over again?

Where's the appreciation for writers like sara pennypacker? was it not whimsical enough to catch your idea of what the mind of a creative child is like?

Am i just a poser?

Am i just trying to grow out of Salma's shadow?

It's not her fault you know, It's not Ismail's fault too,

I'm done being angry at either of them, So what now? What do you do when you're done hating something for so long and realize you're not feeling shit anymore but all that's left is hollowness in your core, a gaping hole meant to be filled with the shit your peers said you'd eventually succeed at, I am neither a failure of the expectations put upon me or a success in my own eyes, I'm just someone who lacks direction, drive, focus and patience.

Neither a good or bad thing,

so why the fuck does the world make me feel so bad for being both the tip of mediocrity and contradiction at the same time?

Is the cat, In the FUCKING BOX OR NOT?

You know fuck it, I can write.

You want to see me write, I can.

I'll write better than Ismail, and salma because unlike those retards I actually spent my teen years reading actual shit, I wasn't wasting time on skype like dumbasses who think they're the shit , who think they're developed people, padahal

have never actually endured real fucking problems.

Fuck ismail and Salma, aku tak marah with them anymore and I want to cement the fact I am in fact better than both of them COMBINED as people.

man, what the fuck is up with bitterness.

Also, i got off at court, case got dropped ( not exactly but chances are yes )

I'm back to studying

and also i never ended up finishing that project for ismail and you know what it's fine, I dont have the mental energy to make a love cd for anyone in my life right now.

[wack-ashimself]

So I've been trying to do something I was taught as a CHILD that....I never had the patience for.

See-when someone pisses me off, I believe I should just say whatever I want, however I want, whenever I want. As long as it is honest, it doesn't matter in which way I say it.

However, I have to admit that function's turn out rate is....borderline 0. It doesn't matter if I'm honest; most of the people are ignorant and definitely don't respond to meanness, no matter its' accuracy.

It's more that it makes me feel better, fuck them, I at least got to say what I needed to say.

So, unintentionally, I have been doing the whole 'write them a letter, and throw it away.' I say unintentionally because I 100% was going to and intended on sending EVERY single message. 'I'll burn down every bridge and drown with your asses; let's do this!' I really don't care if I'm alone. Most people suck, and they need to fucking know that they do!

Yet...I've had a little bit more patience. More foresight. Instead of instantly hitting enter, usually not even spell checking, I reread it. First off-I am an angry individual. At the world as a whole. This feels like a burden, and those who do me the worst I feel are the ones who sentenced me here. Second....being honest doesn't get results (see all politicians). Playing on people's desires and biases DOES. And I don't want to play that game. I'd rather not play at all. So I ain't going to twist my words to get my wanted results. So...what do I do? I want to respond but, historically, being kind and informative, let alone a dick and direct, never changes people's minds. YOU CAN NEVER change a person. You can give them the means to change, but it ALWAYS falls on their shoulders, 100%, to initiate the change.

There's been....3-5 people in the past 2 weeks who don't realize I wrote an entire book to destroy their bullshit and ego then....deleted it, and never sent it. If it isn't going to effect them at all, at least positively, and it's not gonna help me besides venting....why say it at all? I'm known as the loud opinionated out spoken guy but...for the first time in my life, I actually am choosing my words, and listening more. I'm starting to realize these people lashing out at me usually are in pain, and because I am an easy target, they chose to inflict me with it. I ain't saying it's totally undeserved, however. I do paint the target on myself sometimes...so...I...

Ignore them. They want to contact me, fine. Maybe we can talk it out. But I am not sitting there, taking the punches, and I'm not waiting to just punch back. Waste of everyone's time. You're not gonna change, and guess what? My life appears better when you're not in it in any form. Go figure...

I don't care how black and white this is: life is all pros and cons. And it goes back and forth thru the years. Sometimes you do have long periods of cons you just got to work/get thru. But if you consistently, regularly have more cons than pros, question if that relationship is worth it. Because more than likely, they are not. So you have to do the thinking for both of you...

[arttrampbelle]

Outside of nostalgia bait. What does mk11 really offer story and narrative wise that previous titles didn't already.

Reusing the same thing again and again. Ignoring their own lore. Even if the same game. Retconning retcons with a retcon. Writing themselves into a corner.

Mk11 adds nothing. Gains nothing. It has a net 0 of development.

Not even the things i like about the game could 100% save it for me. But i bought it with my own money. So im gonna run this game into the dirt till im absolutely sick of it or i basically unlock everything.

I mean its fun to play....if you ignore 90% of the story and skip the pre battle dialogue. Which honestly makes it tolerable.

10 and 9. They are better narrative wise. Not by much.

9 was actually good. If you take away raidens dumb moments,erase sindels obnoxious overpowering,and ignoring how shang tsungs fucking whole soul magic works and why he was cursed in the first place. (Legit you cant just tranfer soul magic like that without consequences. Especially from THAT man! Come on!) And my personal gripe is kung lao being killed but more so the way it was handled.

10 wasn't bad either. The revenants were interesting but the way they were handled sucked. But 10 felt like a mugan to me with half the roster i loved gone. It felt not worth playing thats what turned me off from mk for a while. However the gameplay was a blast and an absolute beast. Hella fun.

But fuck cageblade. Sorry. I will die on that hill. Sue me.

But again other than playing it for funsies,and ignoring most of the game outside of playing with friends. Which is what keeps me. It isn't worth much playing for story anymore.

Which is sad because mk i felt was so story driven. But its become a former shadow of itself. All because or corporate meddling. Which is also sad because i loved mortal kombats stories. But sadly they aren't as enjoyable.

Some koncepts aren't bad. The way they are handled is so piss poor tho. And is such juvenile writing that it makes me go.....I've seen some people on here do a better job then these supposed grown men game dev writers. Fr.

No offense. But i really wish some of y'all would be the writers. Not everyone. But some of yall. Because

Older titles while they have their own problems too,were more interesting narrative wise.

Gameplay wise it's always done good and gotten better. But storywise its been lacking. That's why people flock to other titles more.

Nrs is relying on nostalgia bait that movie makers do. And sadly people fall for it.

No im no exception. But at least i was honest why i got mk11 in the first place,which did come from a place of nostalgia. But even then sadly i feel some talent is wasted on a mediocre story. But im gonna tell people like it is. And the blunt honesty. Im not gonna fake to enjoy it 100% just to save face. I'd rather be honest with people. If that makes people mad. Oh well. Life goes on.

Mk hasn't been good from start to finish for me in a loooong time. Narrative wise.

And i doubt it will ever be. If boon and the other two current writers keeps writing the way they do.

However....at the end of the day....i still love playing. And i still love playing with friends and trying to have fun anyways. Despite the bullshit.

But im not gonna get mk12. Unless they ABSOLUTELY wow me. But i doubt they will. I dont want my money nor time wasted with another mk title. Until all the bells n whistles are added and im absolutely sure it will be worth it. Which im not having high hopes sadly.

Anyways. Im done rambling.

[oldmanbayou]

2022 survey

I have updated my Livejournal every single year around this time of year with this same exact survey for the past 20 years. I don't keep an active livejournal anymore, but my memory for things sucks when I don't write them down. So the documentation is of personal value to me and something I like to shuffle through and look back on every so often. Hence why I make it a point to continue my tradition and make that one update every year.

Now that I've freed myself from the shackles of 140 characters, I suppose I can just leave it here!

1. How did you ring in the new year for 2022? I couldn't remember anything about it so checked my twitter and this is what it has revealed: "I missed new years because I was too busy trying to get a damn hard drive that’s been dead for 10+ years to work. I WILL GET THIS THING TO WORK BY 2023 AND FIND OUT WHAT’S ON IT STOP TELLING ME TO GO TO BED."

(note: I spent the bulk of January on this thing and never got the hard drive to work.)

2. Who did you kiss at midnight/your first kiss in 2022? Ames probably.

3. What did you do in 2022 that you'd never done before?: Managed to successfully grow winter squash from seed to harvest for the first time. I've tried growing winter squash every single year I've had a garden and they always had a good start, but they take so long to mature that much can go wrong and I never actually made it to the end! Until THIS year.

4. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any. My resolution for next year is to opt out of sibling/in-laws birthdays, not out of dislike for my siblings, but because having to take the time to shop for someone's birthday every single month has become a point of stress for me. It was fine when there were 4 birthdays to worry about in my family, but with all the marriages and births, now there's 12 to consider and I can't keep up and then I just feel like an asshole. So yeah, no more birthdays. Sorry, guys.

5. Did anyone close to you give birth?: Honestly, I have been remarkably checked out this year and haven't been paying any attention whatsoever to anyone's personal news and it's been absolutely grand. I have a vague memory of receiving an invitation to someone's baby shower some time this year but I never RSVP'd and now I can't remember for the life of me who it was for. Do I care? Nope!

6. Did anyone close to you die?: hmmmm I should probably check on that one.

7. What places did you visit?: Disney World, Indianapolis, Erie Pennsylvania

8. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?: Organizational skills.

9. What dates from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?: Fuck if I know, I haven't known what the date is since January 1st.

10. What was your biggest achievement of the year?: The garden.

11. What was your biggest failure?: I can't keep my house tidy.

12. Did you suffer illness or injury?: I have caught every single motherfucking virus ever known to man this year and feel like I've spent more days getting over another goddamn cold than I've spent feeling well and healthy. Whether I'm diligently masking with an N95 or not, whether I've been around a crowd of people or 1 nonsick friend outdoors nowhere even near anyone else, I seem to get sick almost every time I dare leave the house. Various people have asked me "are you immunocompromised?" so many times in the past year that I'm starting to wonder if I should get tested for something? I dunno. On top of catching just about everything under the sun like a toddler new at life, I have been testing positive on the covid rapid tests made by Roche, and ONLY Roche, consistently since June 30th. It's totally a joke now and I test every month on the 30th just to check on the status and make sure I still have my supernatural powers, but when it was new news, it super fucked up my summer and I wasted most of July feeling anxious and isolating just in case I'm diseased and putting a hold on house projects requiring help and continued to miss out on summertime outings just like the last two pandemic years because even after multiple PCR tests to confirm the test is bullshit, like, pretty much no one was willing to be around me, the weird ass diseased freak with chronic covid. Not that I blame them, I wouldn't want to be around me either knowing my track record! (Ames, if you're reading this, thank you so muchly for so bravely going to the beach with me. That was the highlight of my whole summer and makes it feel like it wasn't a TOTAL wash). Also I got my bivalent booster the day it came out, it wiped me the fuck out for 3 days, and then I caught real covid anyway a week later, my second breakthrough infection in less than a year lmao (for the record, NO, I'm NOT counting roche covid). Also got my flu shot and what do you know, I got the flu a month later. Whee. (I am not at all implying vaccines don't work, just that my immune system's a garbage idiot.) So please forgive me that I've been enormously fed up and after all of my "will people please just wear a MF mask" campaigning, I too have recently given up on wearing a mask in most circumstances. You all want personal responsibility? This is a two-way street and if you don't care about killing me with your gross plagues, then I sure as hell don't care about killing you.

13. What was the best thing you bought?: I am so torn between overalls from Duluth and the rabbitruck! The overalls have been lifechanging, but the rabbitruck is COOL.

14. Whose events required celebration?: Grimey performed with John Hodgman on stage.

15. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?: it's between the supreme court and the new dark lord of twitter and I'm ashamed that I'm putting them on the same level.

16. Where did most of your money go?: probably house projects

17. What did you get really, really, really excited about?: fried paneer at Epcot and pea blossoms

18. What song will always remind you of 2022?: my 2022 music craze has been space age tiki lounge music.

Compared to this time last year, are you: a) Happier or sadder?: happier

b) Thinner or fatter?: Fatter I guess? I honestly don't know, I haven't weighed myself in like a year. I think I was probably anorexic last year though.

c) Richer or poorer?: richer

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?: engaging in summer and fall traditions, seeing my siblings/niece/nephew

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?: roche covid isolating

21. Did you fall in love in 2022?: no

22. How many one-night stands?: No.

23. How many people did you kiss? No.

24. What was your favourite TV program?: I watched and half-paid attention to the plant series David Attenborodid and enjoyed it, whatever it was called.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: I've been so unaware of the happenings of others that no, not really. The certain hypocrites in the media who have been a particular outrage this year I very much hated before, so I can't really consider them.

26. What was the best book you read?: I can barely get through a tweet without feeling bored and wanting to move on, nevermind an entire book.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: Kate Bush

28. What did you want and get?: rabbitruck and a cricut maker

29. What did you want and not get?: brussel sprouts

30. What was your favorite film of this year?: I watched one film, I don't remember what it was, I quickly regretted it, it was long and miserably boring like almost every other movie made after 1997 is, I will never attempt to watch anything ever again, I am extremely elderly.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: I turned 38. We went to the Brimfield Antiques Faire and I bought a bunch of old stuff.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: having civil rights, not having manmade climate change

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?: overalls

34. What kept you sane?: psych meds

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: Link

36. What political issue stirred you the most?: Roe

37. Who do you miss?: my niece and nephew

38. Who was the best new person you met?: have I met any new people.....hmm...hmm....no, no I have not.

39. Who were your closest friends in 2022? Ames, Erin, Justus, Kelly, Jessie

40. What are you doing to ring in 2023? Grimey's not going to be home so probably getting into shenanigans that he'd get all stressed and worked up about like a skittish cat if I did it while he's home like tearing down the ugly stained drop ceiling in the dining room that I know under all the tiles is piles and piles of mouse shit and ripped up bags of insulation, and the knowledge peeves me every time I go in there. OR I might just fuck it all and play Zelda until 4:00 AM.

41. Who do you plan on kissing to ring in 2023? Ames

42. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022: If other people are ok with spreading death and disease, then they must also be ok with receiving it, so let them have at it.