#what if my writing actually fucking sucks and i've just been wasting my life

[muzzlemouths]

having the kind of mental panic that not even Creating Art can fix. wuh oh

[catherinekal]

I really do need to stop wasting so much time watching twitch and youtube. It's all I've done since coming home and I'm sick so that's fair since I lack energy for anything else.

Just I can't keep living like this if I actually want to get anywhere in life. Parasocial relationships can be poison and I want to spend a hour reading a new book or something then watching so and so play a game or podcast or something.

It's weird to think I wanted to be a streamer years ago. The idea just makes me go bleh now. Not that I have the personally for it anyways as I learned when trying, but if I ever make online content I want it to be encouraging people to make healthy changes in their life. Need to get there myself first.

I get the need for streamers and I won't ever fully stop watching them since theres tons of creativity out there, but holy shit twitch is a black hole of wasting time. I guess for me I want to engage with less content and more art or self improvement. Do I really need to watch a hour long Playframe video when I can read mistborn for an hour? One will be far more fulfilling but fuck it's hard to break the FOMO when you're so engaged with people I'll never meet.

I'm weird in that I'd happily work some normal ass job and use my free time to make art. A normal job, as shitty as they may be compared to the fantasy of playing video games for a living, comes with certain guarantees and assurances.

Retail sucks but each week my paycheck is consistent and I'm lucky enough to have a union which at least keeps me from being fired for any random reason, like being trans. Youtube and twitch as a living is just to sporadic with money for my liking as my main income. Seen so many streamers struggle with suddenly not making ends meet. Even Mega 64 who have been around for 20 fucking years almost shut down earlier this year despite going that long.

idk I guess I just wanna improve my life. Exercise. Get fit. Eat better within the bounds of what I can afford. Less Let's Play number 52, hour long videos while I lurk reddit reading bullshit and more original books or games or films that tug at the imagination.

I want to write to, but of course I'm so slow on my own worldbuilding and lore bible which I know I need fleshed out before I start seriously. I'm aware that's bad practice for a new writer, but it's my method and I'm sticking to it for this first attempt anyways.

[theambivalentagender]

I love your comic!! What inspired you to share Zekes story?

There's a lot to this answer so buckle up.

I've always been a writer, ever since I was a little kid telling stories has been my entire life's goal. But its been a struggle, and for a long time I've felt kinda lost in trying to survive taking soul sucking desk jobs. It honestly destroyed any desire I had to create.

And then at the beginning of 2022 I got abruptly fired (for what I don't think are honest reasons but that's another story). And then I found myself just not being able to land a new job no matter what I did - I worked in a tech-adjacent industry and know others in similar positions also have had these issues. Weeks turned into months, and my mental health took a nosedive.

That summer I noticed one of my long time close friends kept popping up on steam playing Stardew Valley at odd hours in the morning. I'd heard of the game before, I loved farming sims, and I really needed a distraction. So I finally bought it.

Long story short, several hours into the game this motherfucker hits me up with this line:

So you can imagine what that did to my psyche. I got so god damn invested in the game. Like I do with any game, I started modding the crap out of it, mostly to add more lines for Shane. And then I found myself imagining my own little story with my farmer.

For a good while this was just a dumb headcanon story I had every time I played Stardew. But then I found myself actually plotting things out, connecting different aspects of SDV that were "unexplained" or "implied" with the story I was developing in my head. And then I realized - I was making a story again. I was feeling the exact same way I used to feel when I would plan out and write a play, or a short story, or one of my many unfinished novels. It was such a good feeling, and I started coming around to the idea that I shouldn't just keep this story in my head.

I dealt with a lot of self doubt over it of course. The last time I wrote anything like fanfiction was when I was 10 and it was a HP fanfic where I misspelled Slytherin in five different ways. Some part of me felt like it would be wasting time because I wouldn't make money off of it. Another part of me worried I'd be mocked for writing an entire self-indulgent story about a borderline self-insert character romancing a grumpy pixel man, when I was nearly 30 living in an apartment with a long term partner and shouldn't be doing such *childish things*.

I lurked around the SDV fandom for a long time before actually posting anything, and seeing other people, often people close to my own age, doing exactly what I was afraid of because fuck it, we're adults and we get to decide what that means, really helped. It also helped to see a positive community praising and supporting creators of all skill levels.

As for the money thing, I ended up "justifying" it to myself that if I made myself draw just about every day working on the comic (since I had decided to make it a comic rather than a fanfic), that would help me bring my art skills up to par with my writing skills. And, well, it would probably help my mental health if I had something productive to work on while I still looked for a job, because there's only so many times you can rotate between various video games.

I honestly didn't expect the comic to get as much attention as it has. But I told myself even if nobody cared about it, I'd make it for the one person who wanted to see this story play out - me.

[scarlet--wiccan]

hi hope ur having a good day! sorry for the incoming stupid question but I didn't rlly know who else to ask. i plan on writing a mcu fic and wanda&pietro are going to be side characters in it, I don't like the fact that the mcu white washed them so I was planning on writing them as romani+Jewish but in one of your posts you discourage non-Roma to write Romani characters bc we might write them like a stereotype. should I write them as only Jewish or? thanks for reading

No, I would never tell you to erase or omit the fact that these characters are Romani. You should be able to include characters of color in your narrative without intruding on closed cultures or experiences that would be inappropriate for you to speak on.

In the past, I've stated that it's not appropriate for non-Romani people to write first-hand about Romani culture, community and upbringing. To that end, I would discourage anyone who is writing original fiction from using Romani characters as primary or POV protagonists. That doesn't mean you should never include Romani characters, however, rather than aiming for "authentic representation," you should focus on being aware of the social and historical contexts that apply to those characters and their circumstances. You can develop a sense of where a person comes from, what their family does, what kind of challenges they've faced, and things like that without digging into stuff like culture and customs. That may limit the scope of what you can represent-- you're not going to be writing about life inside a traditional community, for example-- but that's okay. You're just going to have to leave it to us to share those stories, if and when we choose.

With existing characters like Wanda and Pietro, it's tough because there are already so many voyeuristic and stereotypical depictions of their upbringing and their community in the canon. My goal has always been to sort through that material and identify the parts that are truthful or informative, and share them with proper context so that other fans can develop a better understanding of what these characters represent. I'm very happy to answer more specific questions about that, if you have any.

I don't know what the plot of your fanfic is, or how closely its going to hew to the M C U, but if you can do the research and figure out an appropriate, accurate way to fit European Romani characters into that setting, then more power to you. Personally, I think that those movies, especially the Avengers ones, kinda suck, and there's nothing salvageable about that version of Wanda or Pietro. It's not just that they're white, their story is an overall poor adaptation of the source material, and inserting Romani characters into those roles would actually create really awful, racist optics. These people are HYDRA collaborators, for fuck's sake. I don't think anybody, especially gadje, should be waste their time trying to "fix" the M C U Maximoffs.

[oops-prow-did-it-again]

I am blocking on sight anyone that puts any fucking discourse over "moral" fiction or whatever the fuck on my dash. I have blocked 5 people in the last month. I don't care if I've been a mutual with you for years, if you engage in this kinda shit, especially on the side of believing that certain fiction shouldn't be allowed, then you are someone I have no respect for.

Unless someone is actually straight up committing a crime (I.E., posting *actual* photographs or videos of REAL LIFE PEOPLE, not fictional/drawn people, REAL PEOPLE, being harmed/sexually abused) I Do Not Care what other people read or write or watch or make. I Do Not Care. I do not trust anyone else's, especially on the piss on the poor website, to be able to determine if a text is "glorifying" something or if they are just uncomfortable with the subject as a whole. You people all suck at media comprehension and I am just flatly not interested. I keep seeing posts of people making good points and then people ripping them apart in the most bad faith possible. "Someone else's media consumption doesn't hurt you" "yes except for when abuse is portrayed as love, or-" no. shut the fuck up. You Missed The Point. You DO NOT KNOW, and you CAN NOT KNOW, why someone else wrote or created something nor can you know why anyone chose to engage with it. Also, sometimes the fucking point of a story is to portray something bad as good, to serve a narrative purpose. that doesn't mean the author thinks it IS.

I Do Not Care about icky feelings. If you can't tell fiction from reality, that's a you problem. Leave us writers/artists the fuck out of it. And if your knee-jerk reaction to this is "oh, you're just making excuses For The Freaks" you are part of the problem and I also have no respect for you.

FWIW, I am an abuse survivor and I find everyone's moral panic over shitty fanfiction stupid at best and upsetting at worst. You people freak out over fictional bad things happening to fictional people, to the point you waste the resources and time of people that actually hunt down predators by sending them loli fanart? You make me feel like you care about fictional people more than you care about the victims. Also, you'll be fucking fine if you hear about weird art or fic happening. Just don't fucking read it yourself. But knowing it exists won't fucking hurt you. You know what does hurt you? ACTUAL ABUSE. Like the kind so many of the creators you demonize go through, bc like I said before, you can't know why people make the art they make and you certainly can't know whether someone's a victim or not. And people shouldn't HAVE to disclose their victim status for you to make sure you're only attacking the "acceptable" people.

Maybe just don't fucking attack people over some fucking fanfiction or fanart. period. go the fuck outside.

You crave ruthless, vindictive justice more than you crave to help people. You are after the high of feeling good about putting people down, the "right" people.

And I Have No Respect For You.

[hextechmaturgy]

7 and 8 :-)

7. Weapon of choice?

Hmmm depends on the game I guess........ I avoid P2 combat as much as I can. Never helped Stakh with those worms, didn't even bother to defend my dad's house from robbers LMAO they can keep that shit. I just find combat to be a huge waste of time, and I'm not good at video games so the chances of me dying during it are high, and dying in P2 sucks. This is another reason why I prefer P1! The combat is just as wonky but it's not taking itself too seriously. Most of the guns in the game are fun, I'm a big fan of the shotgun , but I think my weapon of choice is a knife. 🔪 Can easily find new ones if you keep killing muggers, and trying to melee in this game is just glorious. You can practice being good with a knife for hours and you still won't be any good with it, and that's fine because this is all make believe <333 I also get a kick out of stabbing people thinking of it as a character choice. Doctors using a cutting tool to kill instead of healing etc etc, this shit writes itself.

8. Best side character? (You can only choose 1!!!!)

Who could've seen this one coming, she's about to say Bad Grief!! P1 and P2 Grief are two miserable little rat men that won't leave my house for very different reasons. It's my understanding that P2 Grief never really had much to his name, besides his friends. Probably grew up poor in the streets, mischievous to a fault but always good deep down. He wanted to not be miserable all his life, and in his universe this goal demands some selfishness. He gains notoriety in the streets, gains people's respect at last and some modicum of financial stability, but in so doing he loses all his friends, who now see him as one of the bad guys. And you can't blame them for thinking that, he's literally hanging out in shady warehouses selling knives, but we know he never partakes, he even warns his men not to kill and possibly requests Andrey's help to put the ones who disobey in line. Is it worth "being someone" if the price you pay is crushing loneliness? <- Grief arguing with his own reflection. And then P1 Grief is a whole other can of worms, he's SO fucking funny for a start, everything he says needs to go into a quote book. He's the opposite of his P2 counterpart, playing the part of the innocent fool just trying to get by, when he's actually the mastermind of the underworld. That is already a really fun character concept, but then you get to the Changeling route and a whole new side of this character is revealed. You sit there going, huh. You've known you were a toy this whole time too? P1 Grief is much older, he's been around the violence and the misery and hopelessness of this game he can never escape from, playing the role of the big bad wolf. I reckon he figured: hey, if I'm doomed to be a bad guy all my life, I might as well be best bad guy I can. Let it be fun for me too. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to change, he's absolutely devastated that even Clara may not forgive him, and if the holy girl can't do it, he's doomed doomed. I've mentioned before that P2 Grief could grow into P1 Grief in a way, after what Aglaya puts him through. Nothing matters, so why should I care that cutting is wrong; the blood on my hands isn't real. EVERYONE needs to play the changeling route !!!!!!

[kwaggysshardmindemporium]

Album! Okay so today was Oar by Alexander 'Skip' Spence. I'm sorry Skip but this is bad. The BEST songs on it are like the definition of "the lower end of okay." And those are the first few songs. After that, it sounds like the artist is getting progressively more bored of making music. I legitimately feel like my time was wasted listening to this. I would say listen if you need a nap, but I've had TWO albums recently that would do that for you that DIDN'T suck completely and totally. (Those would be Ys and The Hour of Bewildebeast, to clarify.) If it wasn't obvious, 1/5. Not the worst thing I've been made to suffer through, but definitely the worst thing I've had in a while.

And you know what? I don't love being this negative. So let's talk about something I LIKE that I've been wanting to post about but never get around to it. Let's talk about my *favorite* band. My favorite song. The song I'm listening to right now to wash the taste out of my mouth. Big long gush plus some song links about something I love very much below the break.

So, my favorite band is The Amazing Devil. You know Jaskier from the Netflix Witcher series? Yeah, he's the lead singer of a band, too. This one. It's great. They write some of the most poignant music you'll hear in your fucking life. The genre I've seen it described as is "gothic folk" and it's very good. Their most popular song according to Spotify at 11.5 million plays, and the first song I ever heard from them myself, is the title track of their second album: "The Horror and the Wild." It's a great song. Here ya go:

That whole album is great, but fair warning if you or a loved one close to you have severe mental health struggles, the opening track "The Rockrose and the Thistle" is about that in a very raw way and might be a tough listen. Similarly, if you've had experiences with abuse, "The Unwanted Animal" towards the middle might be triggering. I personally check both boxes here even if I don't really talk about the latter, and it's probably the only song on there I have real difficulty listening to.

The *best* song on that album in my opinion, is "Farewell Wanderlust," their second-most popular song. Have a link:

I listened to this, got to this song, and knew instantly that this was my new favorite band.

And y'all? This isn't their best song, nor their best album.

Their best album IMO is Ruin, their most recent album. The album goes a little harder on the drums and faster on the guitar, and the subject matter is generally less grim. So it absolutely *soars.* The songs are fucking powerful. The other song I hear a lot of people say they know from this band is on this album because it's... I guess I'd call it a minor viral hit? It's called "Drinking Song for the Socially Anxious" and while it's a good song that title is a LIE. It's a story song about two nerdy and socially stunted people finding solace in each other's presence at a party. It's very sweet but very much not a drinking song.

Another great track on this album that I love a lot is "Blossoms," a song about a very nasty messy breakup.

And let's stop dancing around it. My favorite song from this band, and by extension my favorite song PERIOD and it's not very close, is "The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace." It's a song about overcoming your demons and if not becoming the person you want to be at least becoming someone who isn't weighed down by the shit the world has shoveled on them. Strap in, it's fucking long.

They do have another album, Love Run. It's their first album. I've listened to it, and it's... fine. Nowhere near as good as the later two, really only bother if you decide you like this band and want the complete experience. You won't be wasting your time but if you're like me you just won't like it as much. I'm not gonna spam links to songs off it because there's not much on there that does it for me.

Don't really have a closer here. Hope a mutual or two actually reads this and gives the band a listen. And even if you don't, if you're seeing this I appreciate you reading it.

[wikiangela]

my 911 fics ranked by how much fun i had writing them - based on the ranking by @sibylsleaves bc it seemed fun, thank you for the idea ❤️

as of now I have 34 buddie fics (lmao what), so I did a top 10 (it was hard to narrow down tbh because I generally have fun writing all my fics, but this is the top 10:

1. For a holiday (and forevermore)

Eddie's sick of personal, intrusive questions about his love life whenever he visits his family, so he starts bringing Buck for the holidays as his (fake) boyfriend. He only wants to shut them up, and doesn't expect that the small crush he has on his best friend could actually turn into something more...

my first (and for now only) buddie multi chapter fic, inspired by the movie holidate (2020) - I saw the movie and had a vision, and this started - I'm having so much fun writing this, even if some chapters are more difficult (and it's getting away from me and they do what they want lol) - and writing Eddie so oblivious and so deep in denial is just so fucking fun, overall 9.5/10

2. I can't love you any more (than I do now)

Eddie's pretty sure he and Buck are dating and kind of living together. Neither acknowledges it, until Eddie finally does.

this is my newest one rn, and it's disgustingly fluffy and domestic, and I loved writing it so much, needed some fluff with all the 6b stuff - and I've been looking for an excuse to use this song as a fic title lmao (it didn't turn out exactly how I wanted, but writing it was a blast fr haha) 9/10

3. There’s no way that it’s not going there (with the way that we’re looking at each other)

5 times people wrongly assume Buck and Eddie are together + 1 time it's actually true.

wrote this two years ago and I remember having a lot of fun with that - now there's about a hundred things I'd do differently with this one, but I enjoyed writing it at the time haha (this is also THE fic with the most kudos out of all of my fics out of all of the fandoms for some reason? lol) 8/10

4. we got time (but we're only human)

“We got time, Eds.” Buck chuckles. “Not enough.” Eddie’s voice breaks a little. Buck squeezes his hand. “We almost ran out of time, and I can’t just wait until it happens again, Buck. Besides, life is short. We’ll never really have enough time, because a lifetime with you wouldn’t be enough." Or, Buck wakes up from his coma, and Eddie, done with wasting time, confesses his feelings.

post-6x10, but fluffy and happy, really loved writing this one, had a great time with it, 8/10

5. Who said this is a good idea?

Buck and Eddie are drunk, their inhibitions are low, and things escalate pretty quickly.

one of the fictober22 prompts, one of the easiest and quickest to write somehow, had fun with this one 7.5/10

6. You love this, don't you?

Clipboard Buck makes a reappearance, and Eddie's forced to confront his feelings.

this was supposed to be a silly clipboard!Buck fic, but then it got horny so I wrote a second chapter (while lowkey cringing at myself bc it's kinda out of my comfort zone lol), and I had a blast writing it, even if it lowkey sucks (idk if it does, I'm harsh on myself lmao) 7.5/10

7. Fine

Eddie’s foot feels heavy on the gas pedal, while his hands grip the steering wheel tightly, to prevent them from shaking. He’s driving almost on autopilot, while trying his best to compartmentalize and focus on just getting to the hospital, trying not to think about Buck- about what’s happening in the back of the ambulance right now. Or, after the drive to the hospital after Buck's hit by lightning, Eddie loses it. Sort of 6x10 coda.

It was easy to write, the words were just pouring out of me, and I think I blacked out for the last 1k words, it's the saddest thing I've written lol 7/10

8. You're making my head hurt

Eddie's really tired and accidentally confesses his love for Buck.

accidental confessions are my fave to write, I just feel like it'd fit them, and it might not be my best, but I had fun writing it, 7/10

9. don't know what I'd do if your tomorrow never came

He can’t help but think that this is some kind of sick joke from the universe, which he doesn’t believe but he knows Buck would. “The universe is screaming at you and you refuse to listen” is what Buck said once, it feels like a lifetime ago. He didn't believe it, then, either. And now the universe is mocking Eddie, having him have to tell their kid about Buck, just like Buck had to tell him about the shooting. Eddie doesn’t know how Buck did it, how he had the strength, because he’s on the verge of breaking down and shattering into a million little pieces. Or, Eddie goes home to tell Christopher about Buck getting hurt.

post 6x10, only this low bc I started writing it and loved it, and then I didn't have time to finish, so I got back to it later, and kinda struggled with the second half ngl haha gotta learn to write shit down as soon as it comes to me fr, 6.5/10

10. I think he knows

Eddie just could not tear his eyes away from him. And Buck finally noticed, looking back at him. “What?” “What? Nothing.” Eddie felt his face heat up, as he took another sip of his beer. “Why are you looking at me like that?” Buck’s piercing gaze was still on him, and Eddie felt as if he could read him so easily. “Like what?” he decided to play dumb. Maybe he’d succeed. “I don’t know.” Buck responded slowly. “You’re being weird tonight. Well, you’ve been acting weird for the past few weeks, actually.” “Weird how?” Eddie frowned, his heart hammering loudly. He knew how. But was he really being that obvious? Or Eddie's crush is becoming really obvious, so he does something about it.

it was just a silly idea about them getting together happening in the kitchen, it got away from me, I had a lot of fun with this one, even if it didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to, but I don't think as much as the previous ones (it's so difficult to rank those fr) 6/10

[passionfruitmango]

Gonna do a vent post, thank you if you choose to read, I respect if you choose to keep scrolling! 💖

Oh my god today is so hard. Even finding the words to describe is embarrassingly hard.

Kinda broke down to my boss this morning. I don't know if I had a full mental break but I got really close. I want to say she heard me but I also have this feeling that until I'm screaming and crying my mental health isn't taken seriously.

I'm tired of consistently starting my week having to finish someone else's job before I can even start mine, so many of the previous shifts assigned job duties have become mine (because obviously your fryer won't heat up if the vents aren't fuckimg turned on, among countless other things) and I have been telling my boss for going on a year now where this coworker needs to be talked to about improvement. This person is the type to improve in one area and drastically reduce in another. Why do they still have a job genuinely? Because my boss is more worried about finding someone to replace them than writing them up for their mistakes. Boss is "scared they'll quit" LIKE FUCKING GOOD. PLEASE. LET THEM GO.

Any time the morning shift coworker does something theyre "supposed to" it's like they find a way to do it wrong enough that it makes more work for me. What has me fucked up is this coworker ASKED ME TO TEACH THEM WHAT I WANT LEFT FOR ME WHEN I COME IN, I TAUGHT THIS COWORKER, AND THEY BLATANTLY DISREGARDED MY TEACHING UPON DOING IT THEMSELF. so why waste my fucking time? Disrespectful as fuck.

I genuinely have gotten past the point of rage to full blown dissociating. It's either that or I'm crying as I'm trying to do my job.

Could I tolerate this all if I at least got some kind of positive reinforcement from someone with a title or even a teammate? Possibly.

Am I aware I deserve better than this job has me feeling? Gods yes but we all know when you live in a small town and have been working somewhere for eons, it's not exactly easy to find another job at the same base pay youre currently at.

Idk. Boss told me they'll take it upon themself to make sure everything is done but that's not the point. That's a band aid fix and I told them that (im also almost certain we had the same discussion 6 months ago and here I am again) If I come in tomorrow and have to deal with the same shit I've been dealing with for the last year? I'm just going home. I have hundreds of hours of sick time, im going to start using them when I'm sick of the shit I'm dealing with. Ffs im not getting a prize or even a happy team of coworkers by burning myself like this. "If I don't do it-who will" headass stupid fucking expression I used to gaslight myself into thinking this is okay

ITS FUCKING NOT OKAY. I'm stressed in my personal life and need change and the fact I've had to spell that shit out to my boss countless times??? Fuck outta here I could take a month off with solid sick time and still have enough left to do it for another month. Suck my ass im done being your bitch, figure out how to fix your store or figure out how to replace an employee that ACTUALLY does their job along with the one that doesnt!!!

I feel great having let that all out via text but im still struggling so fucking much. I just want to go home and sleep. And that's bad. I know I have things to do but I can't muster the energy because I'm using it all to fake normal through my work day. This isn't living. And I want to escape. All my old vices are begging me to come home. How do you tell your loved ones you're struggling when it's like they don't hear the words as they leave your mouth?

Genuinely. I feel like my mental health won't be taken seriously until I break. Why do I have to break first?

Buy a multivitamin, use the therapy light, keep on keeping on because everyone's fight is just as bad as mine. I'm just stuck in the dumps about it.

Do I need a friend? Or will they turn me into their shoulder to cry on when I ask if they'll be mine?

Editing to add other things on my mind that I'm only irritated about when I'm already feeling low:

Its been probably a month now since I paid someone for something I still haven't recieved? Like I understand life gets in the way and external circumstances, but telling me twice that I'll be getting tracking the next day and both times I've not gotten tracking? Atp just ask if I want my money back, honestly willing to cut my losses because the person I paid has gifted me shit for the same amount I'm currently out, I'm just feeling awkward and having trauma triggered because I've already asked what's up twice. And I'm pretty sure my reply from last time is still unopened and unread. :/

On the same topic, different person I paid, commissioned some art and it's also been multiple months with no updates. I reached out to their business page thinking it was something on my end I forgot to get to, yeah they have also not checked their business page. Again, I respect life happens. But a little communication would be DIVINE. Another situation where I will most likely be cutting my losses because I have learned not to spend/give more money than you're willing to lose. But im still irritated about it.

[6afurah]

Hey yeah it's been a while

Hey, No one is listening anyways.

Siapa je nak baca this account,

You know what I saw today?

Salma's blog website,

you know what i realized?

I am just so jealous, I am the lesser version of this girl, maybe she was never a homewrecker maybe i just lost because maybe just maybe maybe maybe MAYBE i SUCK.

Maybe I will always be less refined than her or any other girls Ismail was into, maybe i will always have frays and tears and look like something you find in the free pile section of car boot sales and independent thrift stores. Maybe i just suck, maybe i just suck to everyone that isn't me, maybe I'm the only one who actually likes me.

Maybe that's why I cant change and all i can do is sit and feel insecure over things I don't want to change because i like myself too much.

Writing? She writes too? You know what's something I've always wanted to tell people? That I wanted to write but I dont have the patience nor the memory for it, that my writing comes in my brain and disappears the moment i hold a pen. The moment I hold pen and press it onto the paper, it just disappears and my pen is just left there getting dried and I don't even keep trying i just accept the fact I can't fucking write and I keep consuming books and knowing what constitutes as a good book and a bad book but never able to WRITE because this is what happens when you have the brain of a gold fish that sounds like 4 sentences are being written at the same time, when your fingers move faster than your mind can even form sentences.

My whole life all those around tell me I'm brilliant full of potential, I just need to be more refined.

What if I'm not fucking refined, guys? Is this not fucking art to you? is this not fucking literature to you? Is a human being blowing up out of jealousy, insecurity, self hatred, self acceptance, self love, conflicting ideas, not complex enough for your bullshit ideas of what constitutes as art? Is this not what you wanted? did you not want a think piece of someone blowing up? losing their mind on a blog that NO ONE will see? Is this not a performance in it's own right? to scream into an outlet that will NEVER be discovered ? Since when did writing and at have to be refined? where the fuck is the genre for people like me who can't seem to find it in themselves to slow down and pace my pharagraphs? to not wind around the same topic over and over and over again?

Where's the appreciation for writers like sara pennypacker? was it not whimsical enough to catch your idea of what the mind of a creative child is like?

Am i just a poser?

Am i just trying to grow out of Salma's shadow?

It's not her fault you know, It's not Ismail's fault too,

I'm done being angry at either of them, So what now? What do you do when you're done hating something for so long and realize you're not feeling shit anymore but all that's left is hollowness in your core, a gaping hole meant to be filled with the shit your peers said you'd eventually succeed at, I am neither a failure of the expectations put upon me or a success in my own eyes, I'm just someone who lacks direction, drive, focus and patience.

Neither a good or bad thing,

so why the fuck does the world make me feel so bad for being both the tip of mediocrity and contradiction at the same time?

Is the cat, In the FUCKING BOX OR NOT?

You know fuck it, I can write.

You want to see me write, I can.

I'll write better than Ismail, and salma because unlike those retards I actually spent my teen years reading actual shit, I wasn't wasting time on skype like dumbasses who think they're the shit , who think they're developed people, padahal

have never actually endured real fucking problems.

Fuck ismail and Salma, aku tak marah with them anymore and I want to cement the fact I am in fact better than both of them COMBINED as people.

man, what the fuck is up with bitterness.

Also, i got off at court, case got dropped ( not exactly but chances are yes )

I'm back to studying

and also i never ended up finishing that project for ismail and you know what it's fine, I dont have the mental energy to make a love cd for anyone in my life right now.

[wack-ashimself]

So I've been trying to do something I was taught as a CHILD that....I never had the patience for.

See-when someone pisses me off, I believe I should just say whatever I want, however I want, whenever I want. As long as it is honest, it doesn't matter in which way I say it.

However, I have to admit that function's turn out rate is....borderline 0. It doesn't matter if I'm honest; most of the people are ignorant and definitely don't respond to meanness, no matter its' accuracy.

It's more that it makes me feel better, fuck them, I at least got to say what I needed to say.

So, unintentionally, I have been doing the whole 'write them a letter, and throw it away.' I say unintentionally because I 100% was going to and intended on sending EVERY single message. 'I'll burn down every bridge and drown with your asses; let's do this!' I really don't care if I'm alone. Most people suck, and they need to fucking know that they do!

Yet...I've had a little bit more patience. More foresight. Instead of instantly hitting enter, usually not even spell checking, I reread it. First off-I am an angry individual. At the world as a whole. This feels like a burden, and those who do me the worst I feel are the ones who sentenced me here. Second....being honest doesn't get results (see all politicians). Playing on people's desires and biases DOES. And I don't want to play that game. I'd rather not play at all. So I ain't going to twist my words to get my wanted results. So...what do I do? I want to respond but, historically, being kind and informative, let alone a dick and direct, never changes people's minds. YOU CAN NEVER change a person. You can give them the means to change, but it ALWAYS falls on their shoulders, 100%, to initiate the change.

There's been....3-5 people in the past 2 weeks who don't realize I wrote an entire book to destroy their bullshit and ego then....deleted it, and never sent it. If it isn't going to effect them at all, at least positively, and it's not gonna help me besides venting....why say it at all? I'm known as the loud opinionated out spoken guy but...for the first time in my life, I actually am choosing my words, and listening more. I'm starting to realize these people lashing out at me usually are in pain, and because I am an easy target, they chose to inflict me with it. I ain't saying it's totally undeserved, however. I do paint the target on myself sometimes...so...I...

Ignore them. They want to contact me, fine. Maybe we can talk it out. But I am not sitting there, taking the punches, and I'm not waiting to just punch back. Waste of everyone's time. You're not gonna change, and guess what? My life appears better when you're not in it in any form. Go figure...

I don't care how black and white this is: life is all pros and cons. And it goes back and forth thru the years. Sometimes you do have long periods of cons you just got to work/get thru. But if you consistently, regularly have more cons than pros, question if that relationship is worth it. Because more than likely, they are not. So you have to do the thinking for both of you...

[arttrampbelle]

Outside of nostalgia bait. What does mk11 really offer story and narrative wise that previous titles didn't already.

Reusing the same thing again and again. Ignoring their own lore. Even if the same game. Retconning retcons with a retcon. Writing themselves into a corner.

Mk11 adds nothing. Gains nothing. It has a net 0 of development.

Not even the things i like about the game could 100% save it for me. But i bought it with my own money. So im gonna run this game into the dirt till im absolutely sick of it or i basically unlock everything.

I mean its fun to play....if you ignore 90% of the story and skip the pre battle dialogue. Which honestly makes it tolerable.

10 and 9. They are better narrative wise. Not by much.

9 was actually good. If you take away raidens dumb moments,erase sindels obnoxious overpowering,and ignoring how shang tsungs fucking whole soul magic works and why he was cursed in the first place. (Legit you cant just tranfer soul magic like that without consequences. Especially from THAT man! Come on!) And my personal gripe is kung lao being killed but more so the way it was handled.

10 wasn't bad either. The revenants were interesting but the way they were handled sucked. But 10 felt like a mugan to me with half the roster i loved gone. It felt not worth playing thats what turned me off from mk for a while. However the gameplay was a blast and an absolute beast. Hella fun.

But fuck cageblade. Sorry. I will die on that hill. Sue me.

But again other than playing it for funsies,and ignoring most of the game outside of playing with friends. Which is what keeps me. It isn't worth much playing for story anymore.

Which is sad because mk i felt was so story driven. But its become a former shadow of itself. All because or corporate meddling. Which is also sad because i loved mortal kombats stories. But sadly they aren't as enjoyable.

Some koncepts aren't bad. The way they are handled is so piss poor tho. And is such juvenile writing that it makes me go.....I've seen some people on here do a better job then these supposed grown men game dev writers. Fr.

No offense. But i really wish some of y'all would be the writers. Not everyone. But some of yall. Because

Older titles while they have their own problems too,were more interesting narrative wise.

Gameplay wise it's always done good and gotten better. But storywise its been lacking. That's why people flock to other titles more.

Nrs is relying on nostalgia bait that movie makers do. And sadly people fall for it.

No im no exception. But at least i was honest why i got mk11 in the first place,which did come from a place of nostalgia. But even then sadly i feel some talent is wasted on a mediocre story. But im gonna tell people like it is. And the blunt honesty. Im not gonna fake to enjoy it 100% just to save face. I'd rather be honest with people. If that makes people mad. Oh well. Life goes on.

Mk hasn't been good from start to finish for me in a loooong time. Narrative wise.

And i doubt it will ever be. If boon and the other two current writers keeps writing the way they do.

However....at the end of the day....i still love playing. And i still love playing with friends and trying to have fun anyways. Despite the bullshit.

But im not gonna get mk12. Unless they ABSOLUTELY wow me. But i doubt they will. I dont want my money nor time wasted with another mk title. Until all the bells n whistles are added and im absolutely sure it will be worth it. Which im not having high hopes sadly.

Anyways. Im done rambling.

[knowlesian]

Genuine question, what we know of real blackbeard he was British which ofmd has clearly shown his British roots so we know its canon there. His parents are also white in the flashbacks. So why do you keep saying blackbeard is maori? It seems to me Taika is maori but this part of the actors personal identity is not being highlighted or referred to in the show so I am just curious as to why this seems to be prominent in your metas.

so: i am going to take you at your word that this is a genuine question, and you truly want to understand. i hope i'm right, because i’d like to live in a world where this is genuinely a teachable moment. that said: there is a sick feeling in my stomach as i answer this, and i want you to know that.

the sick feeling is named "this person just did the thing i'm talking about. i have spent all this time and effort and care trying to communicate something i find so very important: it was wasted. either i failed, or they didn’t even try."

like i've said in my meta: when this happens, it hurts. it makes me angry. there is a much angrier version of this ask in my heart where i give it to you real good, because it would make me feel good to do so.

gonna be honest: i do not like this ask, sam i am. i considered not even answering it, in the same way i auto-delete anything hateful or obscene (not colloquial or affectionate). i try not to waste my time in life, and indulging open bigotry with debate or explaining things to people who aren’t interested in what i have to say both feel like time-wasters to me.

but much in the fashion of olu (because at the end of the day, i really hope if i’m like anybody on this show, it’s him) i'm gonna keep hoping for a better world, and so i will swallow that first emotional instinct and lay it out in kinder terms. and just as much as i hope you understand that even asking me this question kind of sucked if you read a word i’ve written and taken it seriously, i hope you take my answer here to heart instead.

there is a quick, practical answer. i will knock this out first, because it’s easy: the reason i say that is because david jenkins says that. to quote this interview:

It ended badly in real life, but we're not doing real life because we've got a Polynesian-Jewish man from New Zealand playing Blackbeard. Once you're doing that, you're not doing real life.

so: i keep saying it because the show is saying it. if you want to argue with the entire creative team up to and including the creator, that’s your choice, but the matter is settled. 

(also, just to clarify: his mother is not played by a white actor in the flashback, while his father is.)

now. let’s tackle the reason i keep having to take stress breaks while i write this.

i understand that you think this was asked politely. you didn’t insult me; you just asked a question. and if we simply deem ‘polite’ to dwell in framing but not context, then i suppose you have been.

i do not see the world this way. hatred rendered in poetry is hatred; justice communicated through the profanest terms is justice. i care a lot about the words i use, in part because i know they’re going to be out there in the world without all the context that lives only in my head and my experiences. it’s why i know i fall short all the fucking time and want to keep improving and refining my language as a life goal, not just a writer thing.

so, you and me? we’re one on this. i’m not saying all this to be like “you are a unique and shitty person”. i have asked many an inadvertently shitty question myself, and i assume i will do so again and again and again. 

now: i’m gonna go ahead and use your words next. 

“It seems to me Taika is maori but this part of the actors personal identity is not being highlighted or referred to in the show”.

i have bolded and emphasized that myself, obviously, because that’s the actual point here. to you, it has not been highlighted or referred to. 

and just real quick, because it’s gonna bug me not to say it:

ofmd has clearly shown his British roots so we know its canon there

using british that way implies british always means white; i am not british, but i can assure you it does not.

now, my own analysis on these issues has focused in on colonialism and race and christianity’s impact on the world (and much like i myself am not māori, i am not jewish; i am very openly a Weird White Jesus expert, so pretending i can speak with any authority on the matter outside my general focus on the very broad history of colonization/empire/enslavement and my own lived experiences would be A Dick Move) but i can also assure you, these things are being highlighted.

the hard pill to swallow here is that these stories are happening right out in the open, alongside a million others; you just can’t see it. and that baseline fact is also okay! like i said: i can sometimes tell those stories i will never live and often can’t even claim i brush up against are happening, but the best i can do is listen and absorb and not pretend i own every floor i step on. so we’re also together on that. 

i am 10000000% sure i have missed so much of the commentary this show is making. it’s part of why i love it so much!

in that vein, the māori and jewish members of the audience i’ve seen speaking on these issues have a lot of really important shit to say, so i’ll direct you towards those perspectives for more on the specifics there and direct myself back to what i can talk about with any authority: why regardless of intent, this question is actually saying “i want you to stop talking about race”.

because why ask it like this? what’s the utility here? you could have just said “hey, i want to understand but i’m not seeing it. why is it important that ed’s māori?” 

instead, you came in with a set point: “it’s not there, because i don’t see it. i’m asking this like a question, but it’s actually a rebuttal.”

i don’t really have a big emotional ending here like i usually do, because i’m tired and was supposed to be doing other shit tonight, but this felt worth nipping in the bud. 

so i guess i will just say: i hope this answers your question, and that it was a genuine question at all.

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Dear Fucking Diary: Entry the 7th - Mini-Golf or Something that Requires a Bit More Stamina? Yeah, the second one.

This is a reposting cause the original chapter got taken down for being "e*plicit". 🙄 I'm hoping taking the word s*x out of the chapter title and giving it very PG rated gifs will keep it from being flagged again!

Pairings: Dean x Fem!OFC (Daisy)

Explicit 18 +/Warnings: Smut. P in V. Protected s*x. Oral (fem receiving) Fingering. Brief mentions of overstimulation.

Word Count: 4,719

DFD: Series Masterlist

Series Summary: I’ve been tasked with writing in this fucking diary like a some teenage girl. It sucks, but who else am I going to talk to about the incredible hottie who lives next door?

Chapter Summary: 7th Entry: K, it's gonna get a little steamy - beware!

A/N:  This series has popped into my head from out of nowhere. It was supposed to be a whole other thing, but then it just morphed into this. (Cause I needed more series to work on! 🙄😄) Hope you like it, I should be releasing a new entry every few days, and I think there will be about 7 or 8 entries. The first entry is short and sweet, but most of the others will range between 1000 and 3000 words. Thanks everyone!! 🥰

A/N 2: This is a repost of this chapter because the original was flagged and hidden. 😠🤬 So, I'm gonna ask a big favour, could you guys give this a quick reblog, cause I lost all the notes on the previous post too. No need to comment, if you don't want to, don't even have to read it again if you don't want to. I'm so disappointed. I'm just incredibly grateful that I keep copies of all my fics on my computer. I'd be heartbroken to lose over 4,000 words of the story.

The awesome divider at the bottom is created by @talesmaniac89

Hey DD!

Well, that was a waste of time. I could have just kept writing! I got all the way down to Dr. Hailey's office just to have her receptionist tell me she'd gone home sick ten minutes before.

So, I still have no idea what she thinks of me sleeping with Dean. I guess I'm just gonna write it all out here and see what you think. And by you, I mean me, I'm gonna write it all out and see what I think.

After we finished dinner (Dean left Melissa a VERY large tip; I think he felt bad) we got back into Dean's car and headed to our second, surprise, destination.

After only a couple of blocks we pulled into the parking lot for "The Whirling Dervish Miniature Golf and Bumper Cars Emporium".

"Mini-golf?" I asked as I climbed out of the car.

"Yeah!" Dean smiled brightly and for just a moment, he looked like a little boy. Then his face fell into a frown. "Do you not like Mini-golf?"

"Oh sure, I do!" I reassured him quickly. Then I amended my statement. "I mean, I think I do. I don't really know. I've never played."

He looked dumbstruck. "You've never played mini-golf? Seriously?"

"Nope." I said with a chuckle. "But it always seemed fun." I made a swinging motion with my arms.

Dean laughed and then put his hand on both of mine and pushed them downwards from where I'd held them at about chest height.

"Lower your swing, sweetheart, it's golf not baseball."

I ducked my head with a smile. The shy posture was more a response to the endearment and the feeling of his big, rough hand on mine, than from any embarrassment about my golf swing.

I could feel sparks flare to life between us and immediately felt the pull towards him. He seemed to feel it too because he stepped closer to me.

"Actually," he said, his voice low and heated, "it's better for me if you don't know how to play."

"Better for you because then you can kick my ass?" I joked.

"No. Because then I can come up close behind you," he said, and proceeded to do just that, "and wrap my arms around you."

He caged me within the rock solid strength of his arms and took hold of both my hands.

"And under the guise of teaching you," he twisted our bodies slightly and then mimed a golf swing, "I get to feel you move against me."

I could feel the hard wall of his chest pressed up tight behind me and the scent of leather from his jacket combined with his own warm, masculine scent surrounded me and made me feel slightly dizzy.

He'd lowered his head so that it was just over my left shoulder and I turned to see his scruffy cheek only a few inches from my lips and my breath caught. Then he turned his face towards me and his mouth was right there and I knew I was lost.

I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, sliding them softly against his silky, warm mouth and sighing audibly.

God his lips were perfect; they parted slightly so he could suck my bottom lip between his, and I could feel the pull of it shoot into the core of me. I don't know if a simple kiss has ever turned me on so much.

After a moment of craning our necks trying to press closer, he turned me in his arms so I was facing him and one hand sank into my hair and fisted it while his other hand slid down to my lower back and pressed me tight against him.

I moaned at the power and strength I could feel beneath my hands as I slid them inside his leather jacket and around to his back. The muscles I could feel shifting there caused another soft moan to slip from my throat and another jolt of electricity to surge to the increasingly wet spot at the juncture of my thighs.

He walked me a couple of steps backward until we hit the side of the car and then lifted me easily to sit on the still warm hood. He moved between my legs and I instinctively opened them wider for him.

His mouth hadn't left mine for more than a heart beat through all of our movement but now he began to trail wet, open-mouthed kisses across my jaw and down my neck.

His hands travelled from my waist up inside my open jacket before slipping up past the hem of my sweater to press warm and rough against my back.

His fingers traced lazy patterns across my skin while his lips moved hot and hungry along the shoulder exposed by my sweater.

"God, Daisy," he mumbled low and gruff against my skin, "I've been wanting to do this all evening. Ever since you opened the door tonight. Your skin just looked so soft, and fuck, did I want to taste it."

He slid his tongue back to the hollow of my neck. "You're more delicious than I could have imagined. And Christ, sweetheart, I'm starving for you."

My stomach muscles clenched low in my belly at his words. His voice was like warm molasses, sweet and slow, dark and deep, and I was completely transfixed.

I tilted my head to the side to give him better access and he began to suck bruises into the skin up and down my neck and shoulder.

The cold air hit my heated skin where his lips and tongue had been, and it sent a chill up my spine. He pulled my jacket closed again and returned to smothering my mouth with his own. He kept his fists bunched in the sides of my jacket and used the grip to pull me close.

I pushed my hands up under his shirt, desperate to feel his taut skin under my fingers, forgetting that my hands are often cold and were especially cold on an early November evening.

Dean hissed and gasped against my lips and even though I felt bad and pulled my hands back from his skin, I can't deny the sound was hot af. It made me want to bring it out of him again, but for more pleasurable reasons than cold hands.

We spent a few more minutes kissing deeply, and soft moans of frustration kept slipping out of me when our jackets, jeans, and the November chill got in the way of us getting closer.

Finally Dean pulled away and rested his forehead against mine, his breathing ragged.

"Okay." He said and dragged in a long breath. "We should..." he made a vague motion toward the mini-golf course. "...before we...I mean..." He sighed deeply. "I'm about one more kiss away from throwing you into the back seat and saying to hell with mini-golf."

He chuckled and I laughed softly with him, but my heart was hammering against my chest and so many dirty ideas were swirling in my mind.

"Well..." I began and caught his gaze, as I tried to gauge his reaction. "I mean...you could always teach me mini-golf another time." I spoke softly, hardly believing the audacity and boldness of my own words. But I refused to duck my head or break his gaze, determined to know what he was thinking.

I was pretty sure I had my answer as I watched his eyes become hooded and heat pool in them. His jaw clenched briefly before he licked his lips and pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and sucked on it. My mouth watered watching him and wetness gathered elsewhere as well.

"You sure?" He asked quietly.

I nodded. "Completely sure. But," I grinned at him, "as much as I'd love to have some fun in the back seat of this beauty, it's probably infinitely warmer and roomier at either one of our apartments and we're less than fifteen minutes away. I might be able to last that long. What about you?"

He pulled me tight against him and buried his tongue in my mouth, kissing me hard and fast before lifting me back to the ground.

"Okay, but let's hurry."

No more than ten minutes later we were walking up the stairs to our apartments. Boy does he know how to handle that tank of a car.

Why was his ability to drive his car so fast, but so well, such a ridiculous turn on?

Dean was holding my hand and as we reached the landing between flights he pulled me against him and then pressed me up against the wall as he had earlier in the day. This time though he also pushed a thick thigh between my own, settling it so that I was pretty much sitting on it.

I can't begin to describe how incredible that felt. I couldn't help it, as he kissed me senseless once again I began to grind down against his muscular leg and holy shit! My body exploded with heat and a shockwave of tingling pleasure suffused my entire being.

My pleasure was only intensified when Dean moaned raggedly into my mouth and lifted his knee to better connect with my core the next time I ground against him.

I'm not sure that we wouldn't have just ripped each other's clothes off right there if we weren't suddenly interrupted by a middle aged lady coming through the doors to the stairwell.

I just caught her look of judgement before Dean grinned at her and winked and she turned into a sixteen year old blushing girl, giggling slightly and carrying on her way. I was happy to see I wasn't the only grown woman who turned back into a silly teenager every time Dean looked my direction.

As she passed us, Dean grabbed my hand and practically hauled me up the stairs. I laughed and stumbled up the last step, punch drunk on his kisses and the feel of his body against mine.

As soon as I stumbled, Dean bent and scooped me up to carry me down the hallway. I laughed again, breathless, and hit his shoulder.

"Put me down, you idiot."

"Nope, a broken neck could really put a damper on our evening." He said and got to his place in about four of his incredibly long strides. Since his apartment was first along the hallway that's where we ended up. I realized that I'd never actually been in his apartment, we'd always met up in mine.

He set me down to pull out his keys, but held on to my hand and pulled me into the apartment after him.

His place was a lot neater than I would have expected for a bachelor mechanic, but I could still see some clutter here and there, and even better, he had a sink full of dishes from earlier in the day. I couldn't explain why these small messes and imperfections made me happy. Except that Mr. Control-Everything never allowed any clutter, and dishes were to be washed after every single meal. Always.

I shook the asshole out of my head and focused on Dean as he lit the few lamps in his living room, allowing a soft glow to surround us.

He came back to where I awkwardly stood just inside the door and took my jacket off, hanging it beside his, and leading me over to the couch, where he sat down close beside me.

For some reason it hit me in that moment that all the women I'd heard through my paper thin walls had likely come in this same way, hot and desperate for him, watching him light up the living room with a seductive light and then sitting beside him on the couch. Or did he usually take them straight to the bedroom?

As though he was reading my mind, he pulled back a little and dropped my hand. He smiled his slightly bashful smile and again his hand found the back of his neck and he rubbed it gently.

"Look, if you've changed your mind, that's okay." He nodded toward his TV. "We can just...Netflix and not chill."

I chuckled and ducked my head again and wondered for the first and only time that night whether I was making a mistake. I'd only known him less than a month, this was the very first time we'd gone out, maybe I should just wait.

But then I looked into his eyes and said, Fuck that.

This man was beautiful beyond belief, he was sexy as hell and his hands and mouth were so incredibly talented. He was also kind and funny, and Jesus Christ, I wanted him so badly.

So, I just shook my head and pulled his face toward mine. "I haven't changed my mind." I said softly. "I want you, Dean. I want you to touch me, kiss me, fuck me." I turned red at my own dirty words, but I wanted there to be no confusion.

Dean's exhale turned into a growl and he leaned the rest of the way in and claimed my lips in a scorching, frenzied kiss. His lips were hot, wet, and everywhere.

I simply gave myself up to him and what started out in a frenzy, slowed into an endless seduction of his fingertips dragging across my skin, his hands pressing against my flesh with the exact right pressure to make me desperate for more. His mouth was a languid, continuous promise of more pleasure.

When he'd laid his lips against every inch of skin above the neckline of my sweater, he looked at me, his jewel green eyes having darkened to the color of a forest in the rain.

"Lift up your arms." He commanded and I happily obeyed, letting him pull the garment off my body.

He stared at my lace covered breasts and the look on his face made me eternally grateful that I had opted to go with the sexy, black bra and panties set I was wearing rather than the infinitely more comfortable sports bra and granny panties I'd been contemplating.

He rubbed his thumb over my nipple, through the lace and I shuddered.

He pulled back slightly and nodded toward my bra. "Take it off for me, sweetheart. Slowly."

I shuddered again at the primal look of heat and desire on his face and I reached behind me to do what he asked.

As I let my bra straps fall from my shoulders, Dean groaned.

"Fucking, hell, Daisy." He said and he sounded pained just before he set his mouth to my breast, laving at my nipple and then blowing gently across the wet skin. It constricted into a little rosebud, and he sucked the puckered nub between his lips before sinking his teeth slowly into the sensitive flesh.

I cried out and my back arched into his body, and I was desperate to even the playing field. I pushed on his shoulders. "Your turn." I said and waved toward his olive green button down.

He slowly unbuttoned the shirt, taking his time and enjoying my impatience as I pushed away his hands and swiftly pulled the buttons from their holes. I may have accidentally on purpose ripped open the last couple.

As I smoothed the shirt back over his shoulders I could feel myself getting wetter just looking at the wide expanse of lightly freckled skin stretched tight over thick muscles. He was so broad and solid I was instantly desperate to have him crush me into the couch, or the bed. Or the floor, or a particularly sturdy table.

I swept my hands down his torso and leaned forward to flick my tongue against his darkened nipple. I looked up at his face as I did and saw his face flinch with pleasure before he hauled me back and stood up. Before I could even blink he'd picked me up and was walking down the short hallway toward his bedroom.

"I need more space." He said as he laid me out against the pillows and then moved to the end of the bed to crawl up and kneel between my thighs.

"I wanna be able to see every inch of you. I wanna see the goosebumps erupt on your skin."

He dragged his fingers across my stomach causing that just that exact reaction. His hand moved to the button of my jeans and my breathing picked up.

"I wanna watch your breath catch when I do this." He popped the button open and then slowly slid them over my hips and off. Sure enough, I went from breathing too fast to not breathing at all.

Dean rubbed his forefinger against my soaked panties and I bucked against his hand, still holding my breath.

"Breathe." He said slowly, a whispered word that reminded me to take oxygen back into my starved lungs and I gasped in the needed air as he slowly pulled my lacy underwear off of me, leaving me completely exposed under his gaze.

In all the times I had imagined this moment, it may have been the focus of one or two day dreams over the last few weeks, I had always pictured myself with some clothing on, or envisioned the scene in a darkened room, sure that I would be too self-conscious to be completely naked, all of me visible for him to stare at.

But then, in my dreams I had never imagined he would look at me like that. A look that was all hunger and primal need. He was looking at me (me!) like he was desperate for me, like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

"Daisy." He said and his voice was gravelly and raw. "My god, sweetheart, I just..."

He didn't seem to be able to find words and the knowledge that I was making him speechless made me glow and feel the most powerful and the sexiest I've ever felt.

He stretched out on the bed, with his wide shoulders between my thighs and turned his head to press wet kisses into the soft flesh of my thighs. Ordinarily I would worry that my thighs were too thick, that they were too fleshy, but the way he sank his blunt fingernails into that fleshiness and moaned, let me know, he loved them, found pleasure in them.

So I once again simply gave myself up to the fierce pleasure he was arousing in my body as he sucked and bit the skin there, leaving marks that I knew I'd see for days after, like physical reminders of the bliss he was bringing me.

He brought his mouth to my dripping center and I bucked up off the bed. Dean threw my right leg over his shoulder and wrapped his arm around my left leg so that he could press his big hand down against my lower belly and hold me in place while his tongue went to work.

Over and over again he brought me to the edge, just to pull back and leave me desperately chasing his mouth, pushing my body down toward him, or gripping his hair and trying to push his face back where I needed it.

But he was way too strong and he wouldn't be rushed. When my first shattering orgasm happened, my thighs automatically tightened around his head as I screamed out my pleasure. But he simply pulled them apart again, so he could keep me open and enjoy me like a starving man at a buffet.

He pulled three orgasms out of me with his mouth alone. Finally when I felt like I might pass out if he didn't stop, he pulled away and stood up. He took off his jeans and I was treated to the sight of those boxer briefs I had been ogling in the laundry room.

He reached to pull them down, but I held up my hand. "Wait, can you...turn around?" I asked, my throat hoarse from my continuous cries of pleasure. "I really wanna check out your insanely hot ass."

His bashful smile was back and it made me want to cuddle him. How could he possibly be bashful after everything he'd done to me? He turned obligingly and I reached out and ran my hand over the perfectly firm, round, work of art that was Dean's ass.

"Fuck me." I said under my breath.

He turned back around and the bashful boy was gone again, his grin being decidedly wicked.

"That's the idea, sweetheart."

I giggled and then stopped breathing as he whipped down his boxers and I was finally able to see what all the fuss had been about. Let me simply say that my predecessors were NOT exaggerating. I was momentarily concerned about being split in two, before deciding it would be a hell of a way to go.

He reached into the drawer beside the bed and ripped open the condom packet he found there. He rolled the latex over his incredibly hard cock and I made a mental note to be the one to do it next time.

Fuck, let there be a next time!

Dean laid down beside me, and ran his hand up and down my body, gentle circles that soothed even as they excited. Eventually, his fingers found their way to the slick folds he'd given so much attention to earlier.

"How do you feel?" He asked, his fingers soft and gentle as the moved through my wetness. "Do you need more time? Are you too sensitive?"

Now, I can't tell you why this question brought tears to my eyes. Dean had already proved himself to be a deeply caring, sensitive lover, constantly in tune with his partner's body. So, the question really shouldn't have surprised me.

But there was something about the care in his expression, the gentle way he was touching me; this question wasn't about the sex, it wasn't even about giving me pleasure, it was more about making sure I was good, making sure I felt safe and okay to continue.

I couldn't and still can't remember if I've ever felt that cared for, that looked after. I don't mean just during sex (definitely never then!) but like, ever, with any partner I'd been with. Maybe, but I couldn't remember when. Certainly not with The Terror.

Unfortunately, my tears made Dean's face crumple with concern and worry. As soon as I saw his expression I shook my head. "No, Dean. Yes."

Amazingly that really clear and understandable sentence didn't seem to ease his concern and he started to pull away.

I grabbed hold of his shoulder and pulled him back against me. "I'm sorry, I mean, no I'm not too sensitive anymore, and I feel incredible." I waved a hand towards my wet eyes. "These are happy tears, promise."

His expression softened and he pulled me up against his side and turned so that we were face to face. He pushed my hair back off my forehead and placed feather light kisses there and down my nose. I felt precious and cherished and more tears welled up.

This time Dean just caught them on his thumb and then kissed my eyelids too. "Still happy ones?" he checked.

I nodded and smiled at him before pulling him down for a long, soft, gentle kiss. He sipped at my lips, and I sighed into his mouth.

I could feel his length between us, still rock hard. I reached down to grasp his thickness in my hand and the sound he'd made earlier, that hiss and gasp, issued from his mouth again as his eyes closed tight and his chin thrust forward.

With his head thrown back I had access to the underside of his jaw and I took the chance nibble his skin there. I also enjoyed being able to lick and suck along the column of his throat and the thick corded muscle in his neck.

Then I took his condom-covered cock and ran it through the folds of my body, lubricating it before I eased it inside myself. He was thick and long, but I didn't have to worry, he fit inside me as though we were two puzzle pieces finely fitted back together.

He pulled my leg up high against his hip and the new angle allowed him to drag over the soft spongey spot inside me that no one but me had ever been able to find.

We stayed pressed together tightly, skin to skin, sweat-slicked and hot. His thrusts started shallow, more grinding than thrusting, but as our bodies sought out our gratification, his thrusts got stronger, deeper, and I was slamming myself against him, desperate to get him even deeper still.

He rolled me over so that he was on top of me, then lifted my legs and draped them over his arms, using them as leverage to slam into me, hard. The position had him thrusting so deep I could feel him hit my cervix with every push and after only three or four thrusts, I came apart for the fourth time.

Within the haze of my own climax I heard Dean yell out, my name and curses blending together. Then I felt his body shudder and stiffen against me. He let my legs drop so he could fall on me, bracing some of his weight on his forearms but giving me that weighted feeling I'd been craving earlier. His hot breath against the side of my neck felt warm and soothing as I came down from my high.

Ever so slowly we came back to reality and Dean rolled off of me, pulling off the condom and tossing it into the waste basket beside the bed. He grabbed some tissues from the table and cleaned me up as well.

He then readjusted us slightly so that we could both lay under the covers and warm our rapidly cooling skin.

He pulled me up close against his chest and let his fingers trail up and down my arm.

"Fuck, Daisy, you're amazing." He said, his voice a warm rumble.

I ran my hand across his chest and smiled against his shoulder where I lay. "Right back atcha, honey."

I felt Dean smile as he leaned down to kiss the top of my head and we both fell asleep, contended and exhausted.

So, that's it DD. That was my earth-shattering night of incredible sex. Incredible not just because Dean was a skilled lover or because he knew exactly where to press against my body and just where to put his mouth to bring about the most pleasure.

It was incredible because Dean is a beautiful man in every sense of that word. Incredible because I've never known anyone like him, incredible because...

-

-

Oh, fuck! Damn it!! I don't even want to write it down!

I might be falling in love with him.

No. Absolutely not - this is completely stupid. I barely know him. Jesus Daisy, get a grip - what is wrong with you? You rushed in once before, remember that? Didn't exactly work out the way you'd imagined in your naïve little brain, did it?

But fuck me, I wrote this out here so I could get an idea of what I feel and what I think about sleeping with Dean, and the truth is I think it's made me want something that's impossible, something that is ridiculous and stupid to imagine.

I mean for god's sake, I've heard the screaming girls on the other side of the wall. I know how many of them were just like me - a good time, wonderful sex, and then a goodbye in the morning.

Granted, he didn't put me in a cab this morning when we said goodbye. He walked me to my apartment in his pajama bottoms and bare feet and kissed me goodbye. But doesn't it amount to the same thing?

I heard how desperate Lois sounded when she refused to take Dean's gentle and then not-so-gentle no for an answer. Is that gonna be me next? Chasing after him, sure that he must love me?

Pathetic.

Oh fuck! I said it before and I'll say it again, I think I'm screwed.

Continue

@akshi8278, @lgranger67, @maggiegirl17, @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone, @foxyjwls007, @b3autyfuldisast3r, @myloversgone, @kazsrm67, @fangirlxwrites67, @kickingitwithkirk, @charred-angelwings, @hopefuldreamers-world, @siospins2, @deanwanddamons @deandreamernp, @my-sherlock221b, @jensensgotyoudean @lyarr24, @snowlovespie, @stixnstripesworld, @thoughts-and-funnies, @magssteenkamp, @norman1967, @princessmisery666, @mishkatelwarriorgoddess, @deepsketchsupernaturalcowboy, @eevvvaa, @b-i-t-c-h-i-e, @twirpbunwarrior, @mysweetlittledesire, @waynes-multiverse, @mrsjenniferwinchester, @bernasaurus, @leigh70, @sexyvixen7, @supernatural4life2022, @dainrumnaheimnaheim

[fregget-frou]

Yeps, he has a Discord server - I've never been there though (as well as in any non-University related Discord server with more than a dozen of people).

Oh and he was my first too! I accidentally started with Ornvyr, so I'm traumatized. /hj

I definitely want to know about your listeners and your apocalypse hypothesis. (Especially, if Benny was also put in any of the Hollow storylines at some point - I love him.)

Not to self-promote, but in case you want some Pharos angst, I have two bits... (one and two)

Ok before I started writing this i read your stuff on Pharos and his listeners so let me just *violent sobbing*

This is so very autistic of me <33

so I’ll start with a few of my main listeners/listeners that are actually OCs! Pharos og listener was an old one who I don’t really use anymore but I remember they were very chill and their kingdom was built in the trees! I’ve actually done a bit of topography and map making for Hollows world but basically I figured the forests in the east part(where the elves and stuff are) are super sized and are as thick as whole houses.

The second listener is part of a family of listeners who I basically made wanders or people who move around and meet multiple people during their life, they’re name is Brie and they’re the listener to Pharos and the Elf twins timeline wise elf twins came first for me :)

But for one of my older listeners I have Salem who lemme just say, I fucking LOVE this guy and he’s pretty much my all time fav oc<3333 to sum up the actual OC they’re kinda like a golem made with a purpose to regulate the earths magma and since they’re one of the older ones they have the chance to break off a bit of it’s own body to make a little human shaped thing which is called Salem! Salem eventually decided to wander around and start a family and he was really happy, til they got separated by a curse. Basically for the majority of stories from hollow it’s Salem trying to find their family but getting caught up in things like August and Fendel.(which kinda sucks because their memory is broken and they’re forgetting their family every year they don’t get back so yeah fuck you curse)

It’s more of them trying to remember their kids while trying to make sure these human children don’t fuck yo the world. He’s a parent he’s going to act like one :}

Here’s some art over the years of Salems human-ish form, a staple for a golems broken off piece is the obsidian being exposed in the extremities like a siamese cat. The one on the far right is the most recent one of Salem

Also an example of one of their kids is Jackals listener, Abel! He’s also having memory problems but he’s still trying to find his family with jackal and hopefully live in piece back near their og bodies :> he’s a mix of sandstone and magma

But….

Back to the Apocalypse theory!

This is one of my favorite series even with it being pretty old and only 3 parts because it just scratches the itch I love in fiction of humans being the weird ones in a new race!

If you need a refresher on the apocalypse series, it’s about the listener —who is human— where they woke up in a basement to be discovered by a bunny boy named Riji. He and others live in a radioactive post apocalyptic world where humans have all died out for ~~mysterious reasons~~ and left dangerous artifacts like Geiger counters and the dangerous ~boom box~.

Listener lost a lot of their memories and now tries to learn about the world and what happened to the ancients while making friends!

It’s really short so I’ve had the liberty to think on it alot more than other series so I’ll be doing that now!

From what is really easy to guess, humans eliminated themselves with nuclear/atomic warfare, leaving places stuck in time in permanent destruction, the land riddled with radioactive waste, and people mutated and likely other things as well.

I figured that at the tail end of humanity we got too big for our britches and blew ourselves up with bombs from war but I have little bit more history on humanity before that.

I theorized that humanity was pretty advanced, or atleast from our perspective in current era 2022. I figured there was advancements in space travel and other such future stuff but still with the old “I like war fuck you” mentality in the higher ups.

So a fucked up dystopia wrapped up in a faux solar punk ribbon! So that leads us to the listener who’ve I’ve named Dr. Genesis, who back in the days of humanity they were a geneticist working for a high end company who was building things for CRISPR and other gene editing tech.

They lived in a city that was meant to be floating almost, above the ground connected to mountains and other such structures.

Within earth war was between rivaling companies who wanted newly acquired resources and spots in terraforming projects like the moon and Venus. Yada yada a very angry company messed up BIG time and had a giant malfunction on a grand scale destroying a lot of nuclear plants and sources of power for much of the provinces in the Americans and south Asian islands.

Yada yada full scale war and atomic bombs are detonated not before the high society of rich elites fly off to their colonized/terraformed moons and planets leaving the majority of humanity to realize they are stuck and dead on a soon to be blown up planet! Chaos for a few hours, people trying to get home and instead of going home Dr. Genesis the listener decided to go in with their team to be part of the last attempt at saving humanity, sorta.

It’s a backwater project almost like a doomsday prepped decided to do it but basically around 30~~ of these scientists got into stasis pods for interstellar travel they kept for maintenance under the floating cities to hopefully ride out the bombs and maybe build humanity. For the listener they lived too far to get to their family in time so they just decided to stay with their coworkers who were like family and indulge in a dream before everyone is gone.

A couple thousand years later, they wake up from stasis under rubble inside of their pod, now completely freezer brained making them lose memories and making them weak and disoriented. I mean, they were broke pods did you think they wouldn’t harm humans a bit in 2k years of use??? So eventually they make their way up to the upper levels of the ruins and meet Riji, story continues through audios!

Kinda open ended for other people but who decided to make it so Dr. Genesis slowly regains their memories, progressively getting angrier and angrier at past humans and trying to atleast help these people that are left with what humans put there. Trying to help teach people about their work, medicines, tech that can be salvaged and maybe even get contact with new humanity. But for the listener they seem to rather want to fix up an old car and move around the sectors helping people as they can and making a small home for themselves, and trying to make sure that what radiation left doesn’t harm people if they can help.

I’ve written a bit about it as an off story but it’s very loose but if I do get around to creating a consistent plot I’d love to actually write something for it (maybe even commission hollow to do a follow up with a script I write but that’s a big fat IF because my writing sorta sucks and I don’t have much money to spend on stuff like that :p)

If you wanted to add things to this I’d love that!! :]]

[shinichiro-scigarette]

Happy Birthday, Y/N

Synopsis: Y/N and Keisuke eats lunch at the school rooftop and invites you to his house after classes so you guys could hang out and eat peyoung together.

Story contains: Slow Paced Story, Wholesomely lovey-dovey bonding, kissing, hickeys, mentions of sex, and fingering. This will be female Y/N and in third person POV (for most of the time, I'll put careful indications).

Author's Note: it's my first time writing like this so please bear with me >\\\<, what inspired me to write was the image uploaded here, I wondered how would Baji be if He had a girlfriend, after all the wild smut I've read, I thought if writing some adorably wholesome bonding moments with my favorite guy, Keisuke while having intimate moments with him, I'll only be writing mild (maybe? Idk) sex scenes since the whole focus should be wholesome moments with Baji.

PART 2 COMING SOON IF PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ THIS

Chapter 1

I missed you

It's been so long since you and Keisuke or Kei (which you prefer calling him with) had hung out with each other since he was busy with other things in his life, you always understood him since toman is so precious to him, it's been actually just 2 weeks but you guys used to go out at least 3-5 times a week, it just made you lonely although you guys eat lunch together at the rooftop, just the two of you.

While you were busy thinking of Kei and the upcoming exams next week, you didn't notice that it was already 5 mins after the bell rang for lunch time, Keisuke has been waiting outside the door for you in his usual neat school get up.

You get startled as you feel a light pat on your head, you slowly turn your head and you are greeted with a smiling nerd

Baji: "y/n, is someone bothering you? Want me to beat them up" he says in a sarcastic manner with a grin on his face then chuckles as he clenches his fits

Y/N: You look at him as you pause for a sec and burst in to laughter "Now, didn't we already talk about that?" You wipe your laughter tears away "Can go to the usual spot now?, I bet you're starving, cuz heck yeah I am!" All of a sudden, you were a radiating light to Baji, you jumped out of you seat and you kiss his cheek, He smiles softly and pats your head.

Baji: "you're really f*cking adorable when you do that, y/n, that's my girl" he slides his free hand to your's as your hands intertwined, he was carrying something on his other hand, it was mostlikely food. "I love you. Now let's get outta here!"

You grabbed your lunch box tightly because you already know what's going to happen, while he was holding your hand, you guys sprinted out of the classroom like kindergartens on a playdate as you guys laughed, you always both get the student president on his nerves as you guys ran to the hallways, but at this point, he grew tired of telling you guys what to do, but he'd always grins his teeth in anger as he sees you guys

You finally reached the rooftop, you guys were mildly sweating, but you guys didn't seem to mind.

you pull out a towel from your pocket.

Y/N: "Kei, look over here" you say as you were both catch your breaths, he slowly turns to you "always so naughty, you get us into trouble!!" You say with a strict voice as you grabs his chin, you start wiping the sweat from his forehead while he looks at you with a pout. "But I love getting into trouble with you" you kiss his forehead, even though he was sweaty, he still smells nice.

Baji: while his eyes closed, his pout transitions to a chuckle, he then straitens his back "y/n" he takes off his glasses and puts it in a case inside the bag he was carrying as he unties his hair and loosen his necktie, your heart would race everytime you see him like this, it was always like when you guys make out at his house.

your thighs would tighten, you were turned on by the way he looked right now.he looks at you and notices your reaction, he'd always tease you like that because he damn knew you liked, no, you LOVED that whenever he does that, your face, your eyes, your lips says it all, it reminds you of the times he fucks you.

Baji: "oh-, silly girl, we're not doing that here" he chuckles as he corners you to the wall "you're so caring and loving, it turns me on" he says in a seductive voice, your back bumps softly on the wall as it meets you, he places his left hand on the wall and his other to your chin "I missed it, I missed you, y/n" you look at him in silence, as you notice the empty sadness behind his facade

You lean forward holding his face with both of your hands as you kiss his lips softly, he reciprocates as both of your eyes closed and passionately kissed eachother.

After that, you guys smiled and ate your lunch, he pulled out the thing inside the hand bag he was carrying, you were curious from since earlier since he doesn't usually carry anything except his lunch, he looks away for a second while blushing.

Baji: "Uh... I don't usually do these kind of stuff but uhm.." he shyly rubs his head still looking away, his face was turning red.

Y/N: you would chuckle as you find his behavior quite adorable, he rarely acts like that, I could only remember him acting like that was when he was confessing/courting me, our first kiss, and our first time having sex. "You look fucking adorable when you're like that" you tease him as you boops his nose.

Baji: "shut it!!!!" He grits his teeth and regains his composure "I made you something." he passes you a small container as he turns aways completely leaning his head against the wall.

Y/N: "Ke-Keisuke!"

you blush and investigated it, it was a black rectangular tub made out of plastic, it was meant to store food, you were a bit curious of whatever it was so you'd open it

Baji: "so what do you think?" He still wasn't facing you but he'd peak so he could see your reaction, he was acting cool and tough.

Y/N: "AAAAH!! KEIII! Are you serious?!" Baji would look at you, he got startled by your reaction, [shit, was it that bad?!] He'd look at you with a concerned look with his fangs showing.

your eyes would glisten as you were met by your favorite food, you would giggle though, since it was obviously homemade, you'd assume that your boyfriend made it for you since the icing and the written words were all wonky but you found it adorable anyways.

You would take a quick taste with the spoon that was placed on top of the lid.

You were amazed by how delicious he made it since it was the first time that he gave you food that he made, expect for peyoung, of course. you weren't really expecting anything like this.

You were indulging it as he watches you eat it , the white cream from the cake each time you lick it would turn him on, he was getting hard already, of course, knowing your boyfriend, you'd know how he would feel about this or how he'd react, but he respected you to do any sudden movements while you were doing something, except for exceptional times.

Y/N: you'd look at him, you'd see him wanting you on him right now, you'd take another bite but you wouldn't swallow it just yet— not until- "mhhh hmmm" you'd stand up, you'd go to his front, and he raise his brows.

You went crawling to his legs and sat on it.

Baji: "agh, my girl's doing hot girl shit. You do know how to turn a man like me on" he grins in a naughty manner while you guys make eye contact and not breaking it, you'd slowly sat on his lap while you loosely place your hands on his shoulder as you made naughty faces.

You'd feel his hard bulging cock clothed , on your cunt that is covered by your underwear. You'd lean in for a kiss, he'd reciprocate. You both were comfortable of doing stuff like that.

You both shared the cake that was on your mouth, as disgusting as it sounds, keisuke was in to that shit. He'd grab your waste and the other on your boob, you'd make moaning quiet noises as he chuckles while both of you were passionately kissing with cake, you felt so aroused that you didn't notice that your cunt was fucking wet already, it would leave a mark on his pants, it would look like he pissed on himself, yet, he didn't care, he'd just take of his coat and wrap it around his waist.

Your alarm would ring (10 mins before the bell)

You two break from kissing, you guys were fucking messy, with hints of the carrot cake on the side of your mouths but he loved the look on your face right now. He snickers and grabs your neck pulling you towards him.

Baji: "Mine" he'd whisper to your ear, it would leave goosebumps all over you, you loved hearing those possessive words, he would never cheat on you but you love getting verbal and physical reassurance.

He'd slightly loosens a button on your uniform and opens it slightly, he would dig in to your breast and sucks it slightly hard as he leaves a mark in between your breasts, arching your back towards him as your chest collides to his face even harder, you'd make cute noises.

Baji grabbed both of your breast and slowly slides to button your uniform again and tidies it leaving a soft kiss as he murmurs "mine" repeatedly

Y/N: "keisuke." You'd leave a small moan as you look at him hugging you with his eyes closed

Baji: "Happy Birthday, Y/N, I want you to come with me later, I missed you so much." You'd level with him as he looks at you, he gives you a forehead kiss "meet me later okay? Outside, after classes."

You'd find this entertaining and attractive, you'd just want more of him, but what holds you guys back was you were within school premises, and you didn't like the idea of fucking anywhere near the school.

Y/N: you'd only blush, giving him a nod "I love you, Kei."

Baji: He caresses you "I love you more, Y/N, we only have 5 mins left, don't want them losing their shit after they catch us like this" he chuckles.

You both tidied yourself up and went back while holding hands.

You guys wave good bye as you went back to your own classrooms.