#what else. I actually have several pics from that night so my memories for today are fun

[no-one-hears-me]

happy midnight today is the one year anniversary of an iconic photo that I need to send to bestie later

[heloflor]

So, given that I didn’t have much time to work on fics recently because school, I’ve decided to relieve some stress by making a random representation of how I imagine Cavendish and Dakota’s house in their time-period looks like. And since I have no plans to ever describe it in detail in a fic, here it is ! Though, given how bad I am with designs, showing the house is mostly an excuse to infodump on domestic headcanons.

Regarding the last names, I didn’t make a typo for Cav. I like to imagine the two getting married way before the events of the show, with Cav taking “Dakota” as a last name, mostly because he got several siblings in-law on the Dakota side who adopted him on the spot.

And about the representation of the house : yeah it looks like shit. Since I can’t draw, I’ve decided to do something rather quick using MSPaint but yeah, not the best thing in the world. Though, if I get back to playing the Sims 3 at some point and end up making a Dwampyverse savefile, I’ll most likely try to recreate that house and could share a few pics.

I also went with a rectangular house with one floor instead of some futuristic-looking thing, mostly because I have no imagination when it comes to design. Though, you could still use the excuse that they want something more “old-timey” given their job or that they don’t have all the money of the world so they chose a simple house for the small cost. But yeah, by the end of the day, the choice is mostly because I can’t design shit.

But still one thing in my defense : looking at episodes that take place in the future like “Missing Milo” or “First Impressions”, it seems that most buildings are square-y with the roof being the weirdly-shaped part, with B.O.T.T. being one of the few exceptions. And looking at “A Christmas Peril”, the buildings are definitely more wacky but it’s 20 years later so…

I could also mention that I’m a bit unsatisfied with how empty the living-room and the bedroom ended up being but I’m drawing a total blank when trying to come up with the kind of stuff Vinnie and Balth would have that are linked to their interests. Though, maybe the excuse of them not being often at the house works ? Idk. Let’s just say I have ideas for the “basic” stuff, aka what you find in basically every single middle-class house, but draw a complete blank for anything that’s decorative. Still posting a map of the house tho because I don’t really consider it a work in progress if I simply have no idea and may never do. I’m very bad at design so bear with me on that one ! It’s not only about the house, it’s also about the fluffy headcanons !

So here’s under the cut some random info about the look of the rooms and furniture + a bunch of headcanons regarding Vinnie and Balth’s lives in this house. For each part of the house, you first have the info about how it looks first and then the headcanons.

Those headcanons are made with the idea that Vinnie and Balth are married (duh) but also, for a few, that Vinnie has three siblings + a few in-laws that he has a good relationship with.

(very long post ahead)

General :

- They bought the house in 2162, 2 years after getting married.

- It’s in the suburbs, or at least what the future version of the suburbs would look like. In other words, the presence of a backyard is debatable.

- There could be a garage for their time vehicle, so that they don’t have to go to headquarters every single day. And if not an actual garage, there’s at least some space to put it. In both cases, it would be near the bedroom’s side of the house.

- While the walls outside would have that futuristic “metallic” look, the walls inside would be a bit warmer. At the very least, the inside isn’t “future metallic white”, especially with Vinnie having photophobia.

- The intensity of the lights in every room can be adjusted. That way, Vinnie can put the dimmest light and navigate the house without his glasses. This is mostly useful for showering and midnight snacks.

- When they went house-hunting, Balth was the one who insisted that they needed a place with those kinds of lights. This is also the same kind of lights that Vinnie had in his now-former apartment.

- You know how near the end of the episode “First Impressions” you have Balth going into Mr. Block’s office ? Well, the way the door opens in that moment is how the door opens for every room of the house, perhaps excluding the main entrance (I like the idea of their front door being an “old” one, aka the “normal” doors we have today).

- Every room would have a spot that can create “tactile panels”, like some holographic tablet that can be used to change the settings of the house, for example changing the lights or the internet or even lock the doors and blinds.

- In 2175, when they were forced to leave the future, Vinnie stole a device from B.O.T.T. that made him able to create some kind of forcefield around the house that only he and Balth can remove. So, even if they’re not there anymore, the house still is theirs and can’t be sold to anyone else. And before you ask why B.O.T.T. didn’t simply send agents to bring the duo back and force them to open the shield : the forcefield works with hand-scan detection and Vinnie convinced Balth to use their left hands, the hands with the wedding rings. So if time-agents come knocking, they could try convincing the agents to let them use the bathroom first and they could wash their hands and use the soap to remove the rings. That way, the scan wouldn’t work and the agents would have no way of knowing why.

    Living room :

- There’s more furniture than showed here like souvenirs from previous missions or some random stuff that belongs to them. I just don’t have enough imagination. : /

- Likewise, the corridor has a few pictures or posters, like pictures that Vinnie didn’t have the space to put in his memory room but still wanted to display. Also, I want to say that Vinnie would display pictures of his family (sibling, in-laws and nephews) but I’ll see him more as having an album for family pictures, or a framed picture on his nightstand.

- There could definitely be a carpet or two. They would either be modern ones to fit the fact that they’re from the future or vintage stuff found in some of their missions. One of the carpets would be under the coffee table. Another would be in the big-ass space between the living-room and the kitchen, or in the corridor.

- The style is a mix between old and new stuff, with also a few things related to their interests. Like, for example, the couch could have an animal pattern or something (AND BY THAT I DON’T MEAN REAL ANIMAL FUR).

- Speaking of the couch, after looking up “futuristic couch” on the internet, they would absolutely have one of those gigantic couches that have like a bed attached to them due to how big they are. Btw I have no idea which company came up with this design and I couldn’t care less. It’s just that the design looks cool and would fit a futuristic house.

- The side table is a floating square, given how we see in “A Christmas Peril” that tables in the future don’t have feet anymore (that’s one way to protect your toes).

- The floor lamp is more futuristic. It’s like a white orb attached to a lamp foot.

- The TV is attached to the wall. The remote is some kind of holographic tablet, kind of like the house settings thingy.

  - This is where Balth would spend most of his mornings and evenings when they stay home. He’d just be sitting with a cup of tea, most of the time also a book, with the sun illuminating the room, just feeling comfortable and peaceful. The side table/cube was bought specifically for Balth’s tea. He would also use the lamp while reading in the late evening, either for the peace of having little to no light and solely focusing on the book or as a way for Vinnie to be in the room with the lights at the lowest setting. And speaking of Vinnie, he would sometimes join his husband on the couch, lying down with his head resting on Balth’s legs (cue Vinnie falling asleep, leading to a frustrated Balth who needs to pee but doesn’t want to wake him up).

- Since there’s a mini-table for when Balth drinks tea, the table right in front of the couch is mostly used for Vinnie to rest his legs on.

- And speaking of fluffy headcanons : movie nights. From time to time, aka minimum once a month, probably more, the couple would be in their pajamas cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, with Dennis resting in Balth’s arms.

For the movie choices, Balth would choose science-fiction, especially if there are any Professor-Time-themed movies, but also historical fiction (for some reason I tend to see Balth as having a liking for history ? I think it’s because of the way he dresses + his small rant about pirates in “Game Night” ? Idk honestly. It’s mostly a random headcanon that’s here for some weird reason). As for Vinnie, it’s mostly animal documentaries (Balth falls asleep halfway through but Vinnie doesn’t notice until after it’s over) or animated/family movies (the future equivalent of D*sney, S*ny pitcures, P*xar etc. Which are movies Balth would enjoy as well). For some weird reason I’ll also see the two of them being into mystery movies (crime-solving movies basically).

And if they sometimes decide to watch other genres, I could see Balth having a liking for some romance movies, because for some reason I like the idea of Balth being sappy. Besides, the guy is passionate when it comes to proving himself at his jobs and takes them pretty seriously in order to reach his objective. And given how he can be insecure and sometimes feels like a ball of anxiety, who’s to say he isn’t passionate when it comes to love too ? And no, I don’t mean passionate as in “making out all the time”, I mean passionate as in taking relationships seriously and making it work while also wishing to make sure his partner knows that he’s loved, even if Balth isn’t really the best at expressing his affection all the time.

On a different note, to get back to other genres : Vinnie would probably like horror movies. Because if cuddling in front of a sappy movie is great, having your husband show his love and trust for you by clinging to your arm out of fear is even better, nevermind the fact that you’re as terrified as he is.

    Kitchen :

- It’s one of those kitchens with two walls of cupboards/cabinets, both on the ground and elevated. One of the cabinets is used entirely for snacks. Because Vinnie.

- The wall separating the kitchen and the living room “has a hole in it”. It’s like you have a small wall with cupboards, a hole, and a wall connected to the ceiling with a few cabinets. Basically, you look up “kitchen cupboards” and imagine that the space in-between is a hole instead of the wall (why is it so hard to explain something so simple ?).

- This would be the most futuristic-looking room of their house. Looking up at references, they’re that Pinterest post showing a room with white cabinets with round corners and what seems to be slide doors. This is pretty much how I’ll see their kitchen, except bigger, with a different wall color and with one wall not being here (see above).

- The table is floating because of course it does. The chairs don’t tho. Also the chairs are as futuristic as the rest of the room. And looking up the internet again, the chairs are shaped like chairs.

  - So I put a stove but tbh I’m not sure how much these two would cook, given how in the show they’re always seen eating out (granted they don’t have a kitchen in their ‘apartment’ in Milo’s time). And given how most things seem automatized in the future, let’s just assume that the house can do most of the cooking itself with like a robot (aka plot-convenience technology) but still needs the necessary furniture and ingredients for the recipes. Also, if there’s an issue with their cooking system, they’ll probably know a few recipes and can feed themselves (Vinnie’s oldest brother Enzie would definitely teach his younger siblings a few recipes, at least enough to survive on their own. And he would be more than happy to teach his brother in-law as well).

- I put 4 chairs at the table but honestly I could see them keep 2 at all times and put the others in the storage room, especially the times they get very busy with their job for a few weeks and don’t have the time for social life.

- At some point, Balth probably tried to convince Vinnie to have better food habits and tried to put his snacks on the higher shelves. Not only did it not work because chairs exist but also it led to Vinnie getting frustrated. So Balth dropped it. Though, he would still try to talk Vinnie into working out to stay rather healthy.

    Memories room :

- Vinnie’s personal space. He basically saw the third biggest room of the house and went “mine now” and Balth had no issue letting him have it (hard to say no when Vinnie’s eyes shine like that).

- He already had a memory room in his old apartment.

- Basically, Vinnie brings back souvenirs from his missions, along with pictures he took, and put them on display. For more information, I made a post about it a while ago, so check it out if you want info on it.

And side note : I learned more about ADHD and autism later on and found out that the correct word for Vinnie’s passion for animals is a special interest, not a hyperfixation. The main difference between the two terms is how long your interest last. The reason I used “hyperfixation” in my post is because 1. I didn’t know that “special interest” was a term that existed and 2. people with ADHD kept talking about having hyperfixations and most people see Vinnie as having ADHD. So yeah, my bad for using the wrong term. And while I won’t change the current text from my post, especially with someone in the notes correcting me (I don’t want them to look like an idiot), I’ll definitely add a few words at the end of the post about it.

 - This is where Vinnie spends most of his time when at home, trying to keep the room in the best condition.

- There’s a window in the room but Vinnie condemned it in case some of his souvenirs were sensitive to the sunlight.

- The room is made entirely of shelves, with like four-five rows on the same wall. The shelves are either integrated into the walls or they’re floating because future. In any cases, there’s nothing around the shelves, it’s just shelves with stuff on it.

- When you enter the room, one of the rows of shelves next to you has all the animal-related stuff he gathered before starting a relationship with Balth. The rest of the room can have a few animal-themed objects but the pictures tend to be more linked to him and Balth.

- Likewise, when you enter the room, on the shelf you’re immediately facing, there’s a miniature recreation of their wedding altar with their wedding picture in its center. The miniature is made out of the future equivalent of papier-mâché and the altar is themed around time-travel with objects from all kinds of time-periods and cultures. And for those who might ask regarding the picture : Vinnie has a black suit and carries the bouquet while Balth has a white suit. Both have a hat that’s basically Balth’s usual hat (with the Professor-Time goggles, because themed wedding) but colored like their respective suit.

    Balthazar’s office :

- The room has quite a few libraries but this is mostly decorations. Basically, this room is more of an 1800th century study than anything, especially a rich/royal study. Yeah, for some reason I see Balth as having an office that’s just “rich 1800th century” aesthetic. I think it’s from the headcanon of him being a runaway prince 🤔.

- So yeah. The bookcases are vintage, the piano is your usual black piano, the armchairs are vintage and tbh Balth almost never uses them because he’d rather read in the living room, and the desk is vintage, though the stuff on the desk is futuristic. Balth is up to date with the technology he’s using to work, he just likes the older aesthetic for the rest.

- On his desk, despite literally living with the guy, Balth has a framed picture of Vinnie (again, I want the stubborn gay disaster to be sappy from time to time, with his love language being small touches and attention to details like for example being able to quickly see the kinds of foods Vinnie like the most so that when he’s in a bad mood, Balth can get him that specific food to make it better ; or learning Vinnie’s body language to know when he’s upset or bothered by something).

  - Balth mostly spends his time here to make the reports on their missions or work some administration stuff when needed. When he isn’t at his desk, he’s there to play the piano.

And yes, I throw out the window that line from “Backwards to School Night” that indicates Vinnie doesn’t know about Balth playing piano but tbh I ignore or question quite a few things from this episode such as : the line indicating that Vinnie and Balth don’t live together in their time-period since Balth doesn’t know Vinnie’s weekend habits ; the line about how the ray thing age you down to 90% your current age and yet baby Vinnie seems younger than the parents despite his adult self seeming older; the fact that Melissa read a book 16 times in the span of 6 minutes ; the fact that it’s called a “age regressor ray” and not a “age regressor ray-inator” (seriously, I am the only one always expecting Vinnie to say “inator” and being disappointed when he doesn’t ?).

- The couple absolutely sing songs together with Balth playing the piano. Or at least Vinnie would sing a song in the middle of the living-room and have Balth be annoyed by it, only for Vinnie to hear Balth play the same song on the piano later and join him.

    Bathroom :

- Not much to say here. It’s a bathroom. It’s futuristic-looking. The mirror is a cabinet. The tub is round. The bin comes in and out of the wall. The clothes drier also irons the clothes. The toilet is glued to the wall. The walls are dark gray or dark blue or at least a darker color so that Vinnie doesn’t have to dim the lights to the lowest level when he’s showering. There are also several little lights along with a main one so that Vinnie can light the small ones instead of getting a headache due to the brighter light. During lazy/slow days, Balth would take baths instead of showers (and Vinnie would want to join him to make out). Balth may or may not sing in the shower (Vinnie definitely does). That’s pretty much it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    Guest/Storage room :

- Only used as a guest room when one or several members of the Dakota family are visiting the states and end up in the Tri-State-Area. So for 90% of the time, the room is used as storage.

- Bed’s not that big and very “squary”. Might or might not be floating.

- It’s mostly random junk that they don’t know where to put and don’t want to get rid of, like some stuff they got from their missions but that Vinnie doesn’t want in his room or some old things they want to give at a garage sale or that one Professor-Time body-pillow that Balth refuses to let go of while Vinnie just wants to trash the thing. The body-pillow being in the storage room in a junkpile was their compromise on the issue. Also, whenever someone might stay in the room, Balth makes sure there’s no way they will find the body-pillow (his sister in-law Bettie would never let him live it down).

- Not much to say here either aside from that.

    Master bedroom (the room in which the proportions are way bigger than the rest of the house because I have no idea what I’m doing) :

- I described the room quickly in my fic “nightmares” but yeah basically the room has several posters and pictures related to their interests, along with a bookshelf full of animal encyclopedias, time-travel facts, history books, Professor-Time fantasy books etc. There are also albums, whether it be family pictures or album of the two of them.

- Like for the living-room, there can definitely be more than what I described/pictured here. I’m just really bad at imagining the kind of stuff people would have in their bedrooms related to their interests. And speaking of which : at some point, there was the aquarium that Vinnie mentions in “Time Out”.

- Unlike the other rooms in which the windows have roller blinds (apparently that’s the english word for it ?), this one has curtains on top of it because Balth likes to open the window in the morning but he doesn’t want Vinnie to hurt his eyes. So with curtains, he can open them enough to light the room but not enough for the light to reach Vinnie’s face.

- The bed is pretty classic for a futuristic bed but with round edges and these two idiots definitely go crazy with the sheets design (animals, food, Professor-Time, past time-periods, stuff like that). Also, the bed is “open”. By that I mean that, if you look at futuristic designs, there tends to be some roof thing above the bed and linked to it. They wouldn’t have that.

- The nightstands are floating cubes.

- “Dennis’ chair” is just some random old wooden chair where Dennis stays most of the time. Balth almost never takes him during his missions and Dennis is a comfort object that Balth mostly talks to when sitting on the bed, movie nights aside. So the bear stays in the bedroom.

- The bookshelf would also be made of wood.

- The wardrobe is futuristic, with doors that can open by themselves with sensory detection. Also, unlike what that poor “drawing” shows, the wardrobe is “taller” than it is “larger”.

- The armchair is an egg chair.

  - They sleep

- They spoon

- Balth is the big spoon because 1. he’s taller and 2. he grew up sleeping while embracing a teddy bear and old habits die hard.

- When Balth goes to sleep or wakes up, he can’t help but play with Vinnie’s hair and give the small man a few kisses, feeling satisfaction in seeing his husband smile or try to pull away while laughing.

- Vinnie sleeps on the side closest to the window while Balth sleeps on the side nearest to Dennis.

- Balth’s nightstand has an alarm clock that’s basically just a holographic square with numbers on it, while Vinnie has an album or some random animal trinket. Vinnie’s alarm clock is not feeling Balth’s warmth against him. But if Vinnie has to use an actual alarm, the sound would either be some old-fashioned song or an animal noise (is this starting to get too much insistence on the “animal-loving” side of him ?)

- While Balth likes to read in the living-room, Vinnies likes it better to chill in the bedroom when reading. Also, during weekends and vacation days, Balth would sometimes read in bed before sleeping (yeah for some reason I really like the idea of Balth being a reader. I think it has to do with him being old or british ??? Weird brain is weird. And besides, if Balth reads, it would most likely be science fiction related to Professor Time). Vinnie uses this time as an excuse to cuddle.

- They have themed pajamas. Balth mostly has Professor-Time stuff (clocks, Heinz or Perry’s faces etc) while Vinnie has mostly animal-themed or food-themed pajamas.

- Vinnie sometimes sleeps naked in the summer. Balth is still trying to figure out how he feels about that.

- Random headcanon regarding Dennis : while he belongs to Balth who keeps him close when in doubt in order to vent or when he wants to get comfortable somewhere, I actually like to believe that, between the two, Vinnie is the one who talks the most to Dennis, mostly because Vinnie would just enter the bedroom and casually greet the bear, or he and Balth would have a dumb argument and Vinnie would playfully tell Dennis “Can you believe that guy ?” while pointing at Balth. Just, Vinnie being Vinnie and having random one-sided conversations with the bear.

And a little cute thing : while Vinnie really just talked to Dennis because why not, seeing the guy like the teddy bear so much would actually make Balth feel better about himself. I like to believe that grown-up men having plushies would still be seen as a ridiculous thing by most people (because toxic masculinity) and Balth got the habit of hiding Dennis when he was still trying to find the right guy for him. So seeing Vinnie have no issue whatsoever with the teddy bear and even liking him would definitely help Balth’s confidence, along with warming his heart.

- And since this post is all about headcanons : two things about phones and these two being sappy that have nothing to do with houses.

1. One day, Balth left his phone on a table and Vinnie decided to take a selfie with it because why not. After seeing that, Balth acted frustrated but ended up putting the pic as his phone background. Ever since, Balth’s phone background is a picture of Vinnie. The most recent one is from “We’re Going to the Zoo” with a picture of Vinnie holding squirrels in his arms while a third one is coming out of his pistachios-filled pants. The pic on the phone is a closeup, only showing Vinnie’s head and upper body. And for those who like angst, I’ll let you imagine how he must have felt having this as his phone background during the rogue arc.

2. Vinnie’s (numeric) phone password is 2703, aka march 27, the date of his wedding anniversary. The day is put first and the month second because Europe. Also, during busy weeks, this would be a good way for Vinnie to remember the anniversary.

(fun fact : I was trying to come up with scenarios for fics when I ended up thinking about Vinnie’s password and that number came to mind. So I just went “guess that’s their wedding date now”)

[muwur]

snapchat headcanons

✧ hc’s ✧ for using snapchat w ur boi toi ft. the pretty setter squad

❧ gn reader

✎ 3.1k words

a/n: kinda a combo of how they use sc and the kinds of snaps they send you! along w wat u send them, and uh... dating stuf n shenanigans? texting/snapping habits? my fantasies? IDEK ANYMORE EOFHEFJ

this was born from the recesses of my mind , which desired nothing mor than snapchats from suga , us sending cute selfies , others bein dumb n chaotic , no context videos , n him snapping me photos of some mangoes on sale he said he’ll buy for me DXX it’s too late for me now

doing research on hq bois and surfing thru sc features (im just now realizing theres quite a bit?? im hoping i address most of them at some point lolol) instead of real life tings aHHhhhHAHA

requests: open! will be working on a suga one i got, dw, requester!

sugawara

✧ sends good morning and good night snaps

✧ so he’s rlly good at keeping streaks, probs has the longest ones (one of them being y’alls streak)

✧ posts tidbits of volleyball practice on his story every once in a while

✧ snaps you pics of his sleeping teammates when they’re coming back to school after a long day of matches , adding a single ‘❤️’ as a caption

✧ he will also create colorful masterpieces on all of them

✧ gives daichi a santa beard, tanaka a squiggly stache (i imagine it to look like spongebob n patrick’s seaweed ones now that were mEN), n kageyama sum angry brows,,, wait he already has them lolol u good der kags

✧ posts a picture of you when you’re hanging out, captioning it: “🥰“

✧ has conversations with you purely via snaps

✧ ranges from casual chats and checking up on u to crackwhoring ( ** indicates the photo, while the “” quotes indicate the caption, all snaps are italicized, otherwise its regular dialogue)

✧ suga: *peace sign* “hey sweetheart, how r u?”

✧ you: *pics of homework* “ahh, drowning in school ;-; i cant wait for this week to be over fghjkl”

✧ suga: *close up with :o on his face* “let’s study together tmrw!”

✧ or

✧ suga: *complete darkness* “its 3 am n i cant sleep”

✧ you: *the top half of your head, laying on a pillow* “ ;( aw babe. do u want me to send something to help u sleep?”

✧ suga: *still in darkness* “y u still up?? go sleep. n 🥺 yes pls”

✧ you: *snaps pics of feet* “that’ll be 50 bucks, pay up” 

✧ suga: *darkness remains* “can we make a trade instead? i promise to make it worth ;)”

✧ ok now u BOTH cant sleep (im sry my crackheading be acting up around 2am eeryday, i stan a mischievous suga--)

✧ video chats (in the darkness lol) instead until you both pass out (im not in luv u r 😭)

✧ super down to take filtered selfies w you

✧ does all the silly ones with you (things like ’angry face’ or the frog one)

✧ but also rlly digs lookin cute with you using some heart crowns, y’all an aesthetic (n crakhead) duo fosho

✧ def subscribes to life hacks and tries them out himself, has a 50% success rate

kageyama

✧ doesn’t rlly use snapchat too much

✧ but when he does

✧ will either send you a picture to indicate he’s at volleyball practice (wow wat a sexi lookin gym floor)

✧ or some random picture of whatever he’s doing at the moment (*drinking milk*)

✧ this is mostly in order to save streaks

✧ he’s so bad at streaks

✧ “why does it matter?? what’s the point of sending just black screens or whatever’s in front of you at the moment??”

✧ can’t keep a consistent streak for more than 3 days and also doesn’t care (until hinata challenges him to see who can have the longer one)

✧ when you send him videos of him playing, he really focuses on them to try to improve his technique. asks you to send those vids to him (assuming u saved them, which u did)

✧ but when you look over his shoulder when he’s watching a video and give him some compliment (“i recorded at the perfect moment! that was a really good set, kageyama!”), he gets a bit flustered

✧ gets even more flustered but pretty happy whenever you post videos on your story showing karasuno winning some points with captions like:

✧ “footage of the legendary quick >.>” or “karasuno crows flyin high!” or “these bois make my heart 😭 im so proud”

✧ you WILL catch him off guard in photos, using filters that surrounds his head w/ emojis like 🥺💖🥰💘

✧ you also put these on your story (to his dismay)

✧ ppl comment on these mor than anything else (n for those who dont rlly kno kageyama, theyre kinda surprised to him like this)

✧ hinata snickers “hey kageyama you look pretty good here--”

✧ takes some selfies with you, mostly cuz you want them

✧ saves them after u send them over (n secretly cherishes them)

✧ occasionally watches his subscriptions, they’ll usually involve sports, mostly volleyball (who woulda guessed)

✧ you use his bitmoji to test out random facial expressions you would never see him wear

✧ you: “can you smile and wink like this? act like you’re the obnoxious charming guy in a shojo.”

✧ will actually attempt, but it looks so bad that you die inside and he never wants to try again cuz of ur laughing outburst (you: “😭😭 bb im sorry i couldnt help it”)

oikawa

✧ literally sends you anything and everything

✧ morning bathroom selfie to show off how good his hair came out that day, saying:

✧ “he has risen”

✧ or “i woke up like this”

✧ and my favorite, “you’re lucky you get this content for frEE”

✧ selfies with iwa, who just looks annoyed and exasperated at the camera

✧ sends you pics of his lunch and snacks (“bet u wish u had milk bread too”)

✧ always packs extra milk bread so he could convince you to stay at his practice after school--

✧ FILTERSS

✧ I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENUF

✧ will either use the filters that make him kayooottt (cute)

✧ loves the ones named ‘hearts,’ ‘soft,’ ‘peach,’ ‘butterfly cheeks,’ vsco filters LOL, etc

✧ uses ‘big mouth’ when he feelin a bit sASSY; also loves to use this one when he rants, it channels his inner valley girl

✧ sometimes he’ll be snacking or drinking something while he does so (“hey guys today im gonna eat these milk buns from my favorite bakery and this bomb orange juice and complain about this little kid who talked smack to me earlier and almost made me cry--”)

✧ takes cute selfies with you, is an aesthetic selfie king, puts them on his story to show off he’s hangin with you

✧ but on your story you only post the ones he looks bad in LOL

✧ has separate stories for his every need, some r private (and lucky you, ur included in all of them)

✧ titles them ‘mean things iwa said to me today,’ ‘ranting hotbox + mukbangs,’ ‘a day in the life of oikawa,’ ‘volleyball 🏐,’ ‘unpopular opinions,’ etc. 

✧ fitting room photoshoots lol

✧ “y/n, what do you think of this??” “and this?” “oOH WHAT ABOUT THIS??”

✧ ends up calling you through video chat so you can live critique his choices

✧ “oikawa, please no, i can’t be seen with you in public if you wear those--”

✧ also changes his bitmoji’s outfits from time to time, hopes you’ll notice, but you don’t LOL (oikawa: ;((((((( )

kenma

✧ uses sc usually just to reply to messages ppl send him

✧ indifferent about streaks, but keeps a few with ppl he’s closer to

✧ mindlessly plays the snapchat games with you, finds some of them kinda cute

✧ you both made his bitmoji for him, dressing his up in the orange cat suit

✧ you also helped make kuroo’s and put his in the black cat suit to match--

✧ snaps you every time he gets a new game, starts playing it, and once he finishes

✧ started to post some gameplays and reviews on his sc story (might as well add them to sc since he was already on other social platforms), and ended up amassing a large following

✧ follows the tech and gaming stories on sc

✧ as well as the ones with cute animals--

✧ open to selfies with you, usually wears a calm expression and holds up a peace sign

✧ even occasionally sticks his tongue out

✧ his story is occasionally heavily bombarded with candids of him w/ pretty sc filters, all taken by you

✧ but of all the filters, you love using the clout glasses on him

✧ especially when he’s just minding his own business

✧ “kenma, in his tru habitat” when hes cocooned in a blanket

✧ “kenma, on his way to steal yo manz” while on his way to the bathroom

✧ “kenma, next iron chef. watch out gordon” as he’s cooking instant ramen

✧ “kenma” n das it

✧ but he thinks it meme-y so he lets you do whatever you want, kinda digs it

✧ you end up dedicating your snap story to memes of kenma and the nekoma volleyball team. ppl are in it for the shits n giggles n hot bois

✧ you later discover someone else did the same thing with their volleyball team filled with hot bois from shiratorizawa, and you befriend tendou and share funni internet tings

akaashi

✧ 99% of his photos include either you or bokuto or both

✧ bokuto spams akaashi’s story and contact list with selfies and videos of himself using weird filters, often gets you to join him

✧ has several streaks, but will send something with more substance than a black screen or his bedroom window

✧ will usually involve smthng that just happened to him or smthing he saw, like:

✧ “a kind older lady offered me some apples in return for helping her”

-or:

✧ “how do i break the news to bokuto that the yaikniku place he’s been wanting to go to for the past week ,,, is closed today”

✧ o n let’s not leave out:

✧ “is it possible to conjure a ghost using a wooden spatula, ketchup, and a chalk drawn hexagram? bokuto’s been paranoid ever since he tried last night and i dont know what to tell him. seriously, help”

✧ looks through stories occasionally, comments whenever bokuto makes questionable decisions

✧ also comments on whatever you’ve posted. his words range from “you’re cute” to “why,” depending on the content

✧ ppl know when y’all are hanging out cuz he’ll post smthing to indicate he’s with you, usually it’s some candid and you’re not paying attention

✧ appreciation posts for you as well! esp if you got him something, like onigiri or his fav, Nanohana no Karashiae , for lunch! (akaashi: *snaps a pic of his food* “thank you y/n for feeding me”)

✧ prefers video calling over texting/snapping whenever possible tho

✧ occasionally reminisces thru his sc memories

✧ enjoys the flashback feature and will send them to you and bokuto (cuz they’re about y’all anyway lolol)

✧ also has secretly saved a bunch of selfies of himself, consists of him trying out a lot of the filters (he feelin himself)

✧ you, one day, looking thru his phone and discovering them: “akaashi, you’re so pretty wtf”

✧ akaashi: “...”

koganegawa

✧ sends you selfies of him before practice

✧ during breaks

✧ and after practice, usually makes a comment about how it went for him that day like:

✧  “i hit a decent toss today and futakuchi actually complimented me!”

✧ that, or:

✧ “i got yelled at 17 times today 😢😩”

✧ has quite a few streaks, his longest ones being with you and hinata

✧ def uses filters

✧ tries out every funny one he finds and sends you videos

✧ “look y/n im an aaaaAALlliiEEENnnNNN oo oo hoo hhhooOOh”

✧ “now im a chicky nuggy!!” (chicken nugget)

✧ also enjoys the doodle feature

✧ but he uses the filter with the clout glasses unironically--

✧ usually when smth good happens to him and he feels happy and/or cool about it

✧ “just beat the boss in this game on my 69th try B)”

✧ “kogane, that’s--”

✧ plays sc games with you and thinks bitmojis r cool

✧ kinda sad he cant find a hair option that matches him tho lolol rip

✧ you: “you hair’s just,,, unique,,,”

✧ subscribed to anything sports and fitness, as well as pop culture so he can stay in the loop

✧ also watches everyone else’s stories, pointing out whenever he sees smthing cool and/or interesting

✧ “woahh, karasuno’s at nationals right now! i wish we could’ve won, but next year for sure!!”

✧ you encourage him at all his games, hyping him up irl and online

✧ “koganegawa: best setter 😍!!”

✧ luckily you didnt record the parts he completely messed up LOL

semi

✧ before going out with you, snaps you a pic of his casual outfit like:

✧ semi: “does this look ok”

✧ you: “babe you look great, tendou was just messing with you”

✧ will make unwanted appearances on tendou’s snap and complains to you about them

✧ “i didnt consent to being part of his meme page” and

✧ “okay, but he didn’t only have to share all the moments i messed up--”

✧ also indifferent about streaks but will do them

✧ sometimes sends snaps/streaks indicating he’s practicing his music

✧ when you see these you usually ask him to send you vids or if you can come over n watch

✧ initially is a bit shy about it but he loves what he does and you and knows you’re genuinely interested and supportive so he agrees

✧ secretly rlly enjoys having you as his personal audience

✧ lowkey into asmr, like the soap cutting shit as well as chewing crunchy things

✧ also watches food porn and clips of mukbangs, then can’t resist going on youtube and watching the whole thing

✧  “y/n, can we try this, it looks so good--”

✧ will also often watch oikawa’s stories, especially his ‘ranting hotbox + mukbangs,’ and makes comments about him being an idiot

✧  “this kid he’s talking about is a savage”

✧ but admits they’re quite entertaining

✧ just looks serious in all the selfies you take with him

✧ you: “can you look like you’re enjoying yourself?”

✧ semi: “i look cooler like this tho”

✧ sc memories filled with shenanigans from you and the volleyball team, doodles, and mirror selfies with him experimenting diff looks (you: “tendou, you got him way too concerned about this”)

✧ also enjoys showing off he’s with you, taking a short video of you when you hang out

✧ you: “semi, i look bad right now”

✧ semi: “but you can never look bad”

✧ you: “🥺 bb”

✧ viewers: “aw”

✧ shiratorizawa: “can he be this nice with us LOL”

shirabu

✧ his main mode of communication with you is mostly through the regular messaging app, so he doesn’t use sc too much

✧ also doesn’t care for streaks and is bad at keeping them

✧ will answer to you or his senpais rather soon tho

✧ but lets all his other notifications pile up a bit before finally going thru them

✧ goes through the snaps he receives really fast, spending like 2 seconds each to look at them cuz aint nobody got time for dat

✧ doesn’t even rlly open goshiki’s LOL

✧ you have fun using filters on him and taking videos while he’s just doing his own thing peacefully like studying

✧ it takes him a second to notice and when he finally looks up, he just gives you an exasperated look

✧ cue you cracking up with laughter bc the filter finally shows up on his face

✧ his eyes and mouth are now on mike wazowski

✧ that, or his face becomes so disturbingly moRPhed like an alien

✧ caption: “ken-chan, my future medical man 😍”

✧ “y/n, please, this is like the 7th time in the last 20 minutes--”

✧ finally convinced him to take a study break and hang out with you

✧ which usually consists of snacking and light banter while you lay your head on his lap

✧ and scrolling through snapchat stories and showing him what everyone else is up to and cool things you’re subscribed to

✧ “loooook, dr. miami’s doing another butt job! is this the line of work you’re studying so hard for?”

✧ “no, it’s really not”

✧ is actually very soft with you and likes having the photos and vids for memories

atsumu

✧ sends you snaps where his brother looks bad, captioning it:

✧ “this is evidence that im the hotter twin”

✧ likewise, osamu sends you snaps where atsumu looks even worse

✧ like, the mans passed out, looking rekt and open mouthed, drool seeping into his pillow

✧ osamu: “u still have time to break up with him”

✧ also lucky for you, atsumu also loves to take unflattering photos of you and send them to you randomly at like 2 am

✧ you: “nani tf when did you even take this??”

✧ usually posts a snap while he’s out somewhere like at a match, the gym, outside on a run, a party, or just hanging out with you or his frens

✧ however, makes sure you look good if you show up on his story cuz he wants to show you off

✧ doesn’t really care for streaks, but has a lott

✧ but also has a tON of unopened snaps

✧ is the type to send just a black screen n call it a day, or maybe spice it up by sending a pic of the sexi gym floor (a comeback) w his shoe in the corner

✧ will, however, consistently respond to you and kinda looks forward to ur snaps (secretly hopes you show ur face)

✧ but when you dont:

*in class*

✧ atsumu: *a smirk on his face* “your content’s kinda dry today” 

✧ you: *your sexi desk* “my nudez ain’t free, i demand compensation”

✧ atsumu: *grasped his chin in thought, but angled the cam up bc he needa hide his phone in class lolol* “what if i... take you out on a romantic excursion”

✧ you: * your face but with ‘sausage’ filter* “🥵🥵🥵🥵 yessir, what u want”

✧ rlly only wants to have pics of your face wat a closeted sOFTIE

✧ likes to have content on his flashbacks

✧ usually has other social media sources to keep up to date with things

✧ actually rlly digs using sc filters, mostly ones that’ll make him look like a queen

✧ captions a selfie of you two like: “me >>>>>>> y/n”

✧ but nearly everyone who comments on it is like: “i think you flipped the sign, bro 🤥”

✧ judges ppl who are into soap cutting asmr (you will never hear the end of it if you also like it)

a/n: sc kinda dying for me, my use went from suga to an atsumu to like nearly nonexistent LOL

also o gawd i already have ideas here n there for a pt 2 so stay tuned fjxnwfesd hope it takes me less long cuz this one took me fkin foreva LOL

idk y i made semi like mukbangs but i feel like he’d be rlly into them--

[crystalkleure]

Haha hey remember that post I made awhile back, speculating on what a bad idea it might be to fuse dead things in the godless Frankenstein fossil machine

Meet White. He is a reanimated corpse. Two of them, actually. Or more like 1.5. [And I whipped up this half-assed partial reference sheet in one night instead of sleeping, so don’t look too hard at the chickenscratch lineart and visible guidelines, and kindly ignore the total lack of shading as well as any other messy jankiness.]

White is a product of me wondering not only about what happens if you NecroFuse a human with a Pokemon, but also what happens if you make it even worse and specifically fuse that human with a Pokemon capable of mega evolution. Because canon seems to imply that mega evolving is at best deeply uncomfortable -- and at worst outright agonizing -- for whatever creature is going through it.

Character Lore under the cut. Lots of text:

White is one of actually multiple undead guys who got mashed together with bits of dead Pokemon. They’re science experiments, so they've got the dex numbers of the Pokemon they're spliced with tattooed on the backs of their necks, and those numbers were treated as their names In The Evil Science Lab.

In his Original Life, White [and some of his buddies] got gored to death by some escaped Horrible Fucking Monsters that were accidentally [...and then not-so-accidentally] created via Two Pokemon At Once In A Fossil Resurrection Machine, because hey, it is SUPER easy to think you got Just One Thing's Bones from an excavation dig but then later you realize that Some Of Those Bones were from something TOTALLY different that just died in the same place. It happens. So, some Fossil Scientist People accidentally resurrected an Abomination, realized they fucked up pretty fast...and then started wondering if they REALLY fucked up or if this is Cool, Actually. And then the team of Science People split into two Morality Factions, with one half being like “This is unethical as shit, we need to make sure this doesn't happen again because it's not natural so who knows how this poor fucked up creature is suffering” and the other, cooler half being like “WE NEED TO DO THIS AGAIN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE SCIENCE. IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES HOLY SHIT.”

Cooler group splits off from the Horrified Group With Morals, and they promptly use their Science Knowledge to Construct More Machines and Make More Monsters. Doesn't take too long for them to realize, however, that Abomination Pokemon are stupidly hard to control, because not only are they suffering, their masters obviously don't care for their wellbeing, so Revolt Inevitably Occurs and they escape to wreak havoc upon the nearest congregation of townspeople. They promptly maul some people to death at a nearby local rock concert, scientists chase after them to clean up the mess, realize “Oh Shit, Manslaughter Charges Impending”, and then realize...

Science Guy 1: “...Hey, what happens if you put a dead person in the fossil machine?”

Science Guy 2: “Hey, people probably listen better than Pokemon. We can, like, TALK to people.”

Science Guy 3: “Lads, I got a stellar idea just now. And we got plenty of Dead Guys to start with right here! Great way to hide the bodies too, probably.”

This goes approximately as well as you would expect, and precisely as ethically. A smashing success!

However, because they Fucking Died, the reanimated Newly-Monsterized dudes do not remember shit about who they were pre-resurrection. They're not technically even the same people, they’re more like clones. They've been remade. So, all they know now is Science Lab Life, and they have no initial attachment to eachother aside from "that other guy is also a Science Experiment Person just like me, so Same Hat @ Labrat Neighbour ig", in spite of several having been friends or even family prior to death. They also just...don’t know/remember things in general. They are fresh blank slates. And to a morally-bankrupt team of scientists, that’s perfect! They can train these guys to behave however they please!

...However, people might be People Instead Of Animals, meaning they can be Reasoned With And Manipulated And Coerced far better than animals due to their far better communication abilities with the Science People, but...there is Still A Problem in the sense that Holy Shit, A Person Can Only Take So Much. You can only treat someone as "Experiment [number]" for so long, blatantly putting no value on their life outside of The Value Of Scientific Research, in spite of literally basically needing to raise them like a normal child due to the Lack Of Memories issue. Eventually they're not gonna be able to take that anymore and they are gonna Fucking Leave, too. And they’re gonna be much harder to track down than the rampaging Pokemon were. Impossible, actually, once they’ve ripped out their tracking chips.

So then there's just these monster dudes, who don't actually know what they are because they weren't ever told anything more than necessary to get them to cooperate with Tests And Experiments, just Escaped Into Civilization and having NO idea how Anything works. Fun! Especially considering how, at first glance, these just look like Normal Dudes. Their monster bits either aren't apparent or just look like funky body modifications.

They've also got Science Things in them and they Don't Know What The Fuck Those Things Even Are. They've just got these little Devices in/on their chests, and they were never informed of the exact functions of them because there's no reason to explain to the experiment What Is Happening, just that the experiment needs to Hold Still and Cooperate and Now Do This, Now Do This, Now Do That, Good Job That's Enough For Today, etc.

Those devices contain both key stones and mega stones.

If you were a Mad Pokemon Scientist, you would most certainly be interested in the mega evolution phenomenon. What would YOU do if some of your Undead Fusion Experiments happened to be spliced with bits of Pokemon known to be capable of mega evolving? You’d kill two birds with one enigmatic set of stones, that’s what you’d do. Your Frankenstein Experiments can even TALK to you and tell you exactly what they are experiencing when you run tests on them! It’s perfect!

So, if a rock-bearing monster’s heart rate goes too high, part of the little device, which is a barrier between one type of rock and the other, opens up and Exposes One Rock To The Other Rock. Which exposes the monster to the Rock Energy Reaction. The greater the stress, the higher the dose. And I’m sure you can see the snowball effect that’s gonna create, at least the first time or two.

They were INTENDED to eventually be made to Physically Fight With Eachother to gauge the effects of The Rocks™️ when the Guys With The Rocks are under Stress and need to Do Some Self-Defense. The Science Squad was basically trying to suss out the Actual Purpose of mega evolution. Because mega evolution is weird -- it puts ENORMOUS stress on the body of whatever is undergoing it, so the hypothesis was that its true power is probably drawn out best via a perceived life-threatening situation, like it’s a type of hysterical strength, because what else would cause a need for that kind of ability. And aren’t ethics a bit overrated?

So, there’s our premise. White is just wandering around without any particular purpose outside of never ever going back to Science Hell, and he has no clue what the funny little doohickey buried in his chest does until it activates one day and absolutely fucks him up [...as well as everyone around him. Mega Absol radiate an Aura Of Sheer Terror that can literally scare people with weak hearts to death if they’re not careful.]

And now, some Miscellaneous Character Info:

The bit about Lots Of Death happening at a rock concert specifically was important. White was actually the vocalist of the band that was playing. He doesn’t remember that now, but he still loves music and has the same strong vocal cords. And THAT is important because White is partially an Absol now and Absol naturally learns Perish Song. These Fusion Monsters are absolutely capable of using Pokemon moves, though whether they’re aware of this is a different matter entirely. Imagine what happens when they end up tapping into those abilities accidentally.

That band was a relatively-unknown little local band. White was by no means anywhere near famous. Very few people even realized he was gone, and most of the ones who would have noticed also ended up Equally Unalive.

That black stuff between the belts on White’s arms is mesh. Like, stocking mesh. It gets Ripped The Fuck Apart when he goes Mega Mode and his arm fur gets Extra Spiky. Hence one stocking being a bit tattered in that reference pic. He frequently has to replace those things, they are fragile.

“How did White get his name if he doesn’t remember his original name and didn’t have a real name in the lab” I am glad you asked! Post-escape, he eventually encountered a situation where someone asked him what his name was, he bluntly told them “I don’t have one. I am #359.”, they said “Well That Is Not A Name, I need something proper to call you”, and he was just...Super Apathetic. So, the other person picked out the name “White” just based on the fact that White’s hair is white, and he just shrugged and rolled with it.

As you can see in my Incredibly Quick And Rough Sketches, the backs of White’s shirts are open to accommodate that huge amount of fur that bristles out into false wings when he goes Mega Mode. Because his Actual Normal Hair is relatively long and overlaps with that fur, it blends in with his Actual Normal Hair and doesn’t look too odd [when it’s down]. Probably mostly because nobody’s expecting it to be anything OTHER than Perfectly Normal Hair That Just Happens To Be Very Long.

White does not particularly like violence. White does not want to beat you up. He will, though, without a bit of hesitation, if there’s some logical reason he feels like it’s the most practical course of action. Being essentially raised by Cold, Emotionally-Sterile Scientists With No Care For The Wellbeing Other Living Beings uh, tends to affect a guy a little bit. White has a bit of an internal dilemma regarding “It would be efficient for me to just Harm This Other Person to defuse the current situation, because attempting nonviolence will be overall more risky somehow” vs. “Holy shit it feels bad when I hurt people. Why does it feel bad when I hurt people. Is it...SUPPOSED to feel bad when I hurt people?? No one ever felt bad for hurting me.” He Figures Out How Empathy Works Eventually. He is a good guy at heart. He is a Monotone Snarker, but not actually Cold or Malicious at all.

If an Absol can do it, White can probably do it. He has incredibly keen senses and a STRONG ability to Detect Impending Doom. He has exactly the amount of Supernatural Absol Powers you would expect. He is also stupidly physically strong, way more so than he appears to be.

White can’t punch people. Look at the fist he’s making in the pic, he’s doing it wrong. If you punch someone like that, you WILL break your own thumb. That’s not a Revving Up To Sock Someone pose, he’s just tense. He’s using his thumb as a buffer between his long-ass Sharp As Fuck claws and the flesh of his palm. If White tries to punch anybody, or just makes a proper fist at all, he will impale his own hand on his nails. Like, all the way through. He CAN slash straight through things like metal and bone with those claws, though.

White...is unsettling. Completely accidentally, and unknowingly. He just radiates an Aura Of Intimidation [...or Pressure], even when not in Mega Mode, that scales depending on his mood. Just being near him tends to put people and Pokemon on edge. Thus, he’s generally avoided.

The latter point is especially unfortunate, because White’s preferred method of Socializing and Bonding is to just kind of quietly hang out in the same room as whoever he is trying to Socialize and Bond with. He just wants to, like...chill out Near A Buddy and watch a movie and share a bag of chips or something. His social skills are predictably not good.

[werejusttouchingeachother]

Whipped

(d.ksoo)

Req: fluff + smut with Kyungsoo by @johnniverse​ Pairing: actor!Kyungsoo x baker!reader Words: 10,609k Genre: fluff, friends to lovers, smut Warning: cursing, smut, mature Summary: Your close friendship with Korea’s favourite actor is suddenly strained when he begins acting strange after returning home. Three nights of disappointment and several drinks later, the memory of a rhubarb Eton mess lingers in the air as you find yourself finally seeing your best friend in a different light. Tags: actor!Soo, slightly chef!Soo, baker!reader, cursing, flirting, sexual tension and fluffy smut A/N: To the req, I hope you like it and it isnt too cringy lol, I always struggle with fluff. Also P.S, I’m never doing the fake texting image thing ever again, I had to use both my phone and laptop to edit/upload the pics in order and it was a pain in the ass especially for a fic this long (and on a side-note, props to all the text-message fic authors, this sHIT IS HARD JFC SERIOUSLY Y’ALL ARE AMAZING AND DEDICATED AF, I APPRECIATE THE EFFORT)

The smell of butter and dough that surrounded you usually helped calm your nerves but tonight could perhaps be the first time that was an exception. After all, it had been months since you last saw your best friend, Kyungsoo.

There weren’t many people around at this late hour of the night and you were thankful for the silence, for the peaceful atmosphere that was usually a rare occurrence at the bakery’s kitchen. Only when your nerves had crept into your worried thoughts as the silence prolonged had you finally scrolling to the playlist of soft instrumentals that you usually had playing at the bakery during work hours, letting the music fill the empty kitchen while you worked.

You hum softly to Billie Eilish and Khalid’s ‘lovely' as you place the tiny specks of edible gold foil atop the chocolate tart. Kyungsoo didn’t love the gold foil—he called it “too bougie”—but you knew that he didn’t hate it either. Besides, you couldn’t help the dramatic flair that you always brought to your desserts; it was what you were popular for, after all.

You’d met Kyungsoo as a customer at your artisan café almost three years ago when he’d dropped by late in the night to ask for a full-sized cake. You’d heard your co-worker Yixing apologetically inform him that there weren’t any such cakes readily available just a few minutes short to closing hours and that customers usually pre-ordered them in advance but you’d stepped out of the back-kitchen then to ask the desperate-sounding customer whether a red velvet cheesecake was fine with him.

You can still recall how you’d stumbled over your own words as your eyes finally fell on the late-night customer—Do Kyungsoo, the upcoming handsome actor who had swept over the nation with his popularity after his latest movie. Your first thought had immediately been, ‘Holy hell, he looks more beautiful than he does on the screen’.

It was only much later that you’d revealed to him that the original recipient of the cake was a little girl turning eight the next day. Kyungsoo had been stunned at the revelation and even to the present day, he still wondered why you hadn’t turned him away to find another bakery instead of going to the hassle of giving away a pre-baked cake that resulted in you pulling an all-nighter to bake another for the actual customer.

But how could you have refused? With his warm earnest brown eyes that reminded you of the pools of dark chocolate batter that you’d been whisking back in the kitchen, his cheeks that shone like freshly glazed pastries with the sheepish heart-shaped smile that put even the sun to shame, you couldn’t help but relent and give him the red velvet cheesecake that you’d been preparing for a client to pick up the next morning.

Although Kyungsoo had left in a hurry after accepting the box that night, he had visited the bakery around brunch hour the next day to thank you personally—and “properly”.  Both of you had introduced yourselves and you’d been surprised at how down-to-earth and friendly he’d been, taken aback by his genuine interest in your bakery and all the desserts that you’d had. After conversing, there grew a mutual admiration—you’d never imagined that such a famous actor was also an incredible cook with an intense passion for food while having such an avid interest and genuine fascination towards your baking.

It had been the initial blossoming of a beautiful delectable friendship. You’d never thought you’d grow as close to him as you did but there was an instant connection after that first conversation at the kitchen of your bakery, a way in which both your personalities perfectly complemented each other and fit together just right. Of course, your mutual interest for food only fuelled the friendship further.

That was three years ago. Back then, it had started as a friendship but slowly bloomed to an unhealthy crush on your part. And who could blame you? Kyungsoo was unbelievably perfect—with his charming smile, his friendly and kind nature, his heart of gold and just by being an absolute sweetheart, you struggled to keep your emotions at bay as you got closer to him. He set the standard entirely too high and there was a small part of you that even blamed him for never being able to find a boyfriend. Every blind date and man that your friends introduced you to all paled in comparison to Kyungsoo, multiple meals and walks spent with them feeling extremely dreary when you spent the entire time drawing analyses of them in your mind based off of Kyungsoo as the yardstick.

However, it was a secret that you were certain you’d carry to your grave. He already had hordes of fangirls and half the country pining for him, he didn’t need to worry about you shooting heart-eyes at him too.

Besides, you cherished your relationship with Kyungsoo entirely far too much to risk losing all of it with a silly confession. You were close with his mother who called you more often than she even called him sometimes to chat with you idly about recipes, you knew how he hated parsley a lot more than he let on, how he’d admitted that your lemon meringue pies were his favourite dessert in the entire world and how he hated early morning shoots the most and could never get used to them no matter how many times he did it.

It wasn’t one-sided—he knew you like the back of his hand too. Kyungsoo knew about your coffee addiction that he always called unhealthy, how much you loved crafting recipes in your kitchen late into the night until you got it perfect, how you absolutely hated thunderstorms and could even tell whenever you were upset even from a mere text, prompting him to call you as soon as he could to talk about it.

It was too much to risk such a great friendship for a stupid crush. He meant too much to you which is exactly why you’d settled for never ever confessing to him.

You hum softly as you finally pulled your face away from the table, a satisfied smile coming upon your face as the finished tart lay atop the marble counter, gold flecks glinting in the yellow lights of the kitchen.

You picked up your phone then, frowning as you noticed the lack of texts. Kyungsoo had finally completed the premiere and tour for his latest movie, arriving back home early today morning for a well-deserved break, albeit short. You knew that his friends would most probably throw him a party—as per their tradition—but he’d texted you earlier that he would definitely drop by the bakery around midnight, at the latest.

Which was your tradition. He’d visit his mother, have a meal with his parents and then come straight to you, loudly yelling that you’d better have his favourite pies waiting for him, “or else”.

You stare at your phone, contemplating if you should send a picture of the tart and fully utilise his weakness for sweet treats against him but the screen suddenly lights up with an incoming message.

You sigh as you place your phone back on the counter and glance dejectedly down at the tarts. Pursuing your lips, you wondered if there was something wrong and if Kyungsoo was okay—it was the first time that he’d cancelled on your tradition of meeting you on the day that he got back itself.

He’s at home, probably well-fed, pampered and completely spoiled rotten by his mother so you decided to not dwell further on it. You place the tarts into airtight containers and placed them in the fridge then, yawning softly as you decided to call it a day and head home.

You were positive that you could see the colour red as you glanced at the clock hanging over the paintings on your wall, feeling more livid than you’d ever been.

It had been three days. Three days since Kyungsoo had arrived and your stupid “tradition” was in shreds—the both of you hadn’t met at all.

The day after the night he spent at his parents’ place, you waited for him all morning at the bakery before texting him. He’d called you immediately and apologised profusely, saying that he had to meet his manager at the company and that something urgent had come up. You’d let it go again but he hadn’t contacted you at all after that and you’d waited all day until finally calling him right before bed.

The conversation had been short, his words muted and seeming tired so you’d hung up without pressing too much.

But then you’d went over directly to his parents’ place yesterday. You’d been stunned to find that he wasn’t there, his mother cheerfully mentioning that he had left early in the morning “because of some work” and you didn’t have the heart to tell her that you’d lost your appetite. After stuffing yourself full with an entire lunch that his mother had not let you leave without, you’d called him. He’d apologised again, “another work thing” and finally ended the call after mutually agreeing that he’d come over to your place early the next morning, eat breakfast with him and heading back to the bakery later in the afternoon.

It was the next morning, the pancakes you’d made were cold and soggy now, the clock read 10:19AM and Kyungsoo was nowhere in sight.

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” you hissed murderously, grabbing your phone and pulling up your messages to text him.

You shoved your phone away in fury, grabbing the plate of pancakes and hurriedly storing them back in the oven before grabbing the keys to your car and heading out of your apartment. You had half-a-mind to drive over to the company and ask his manager which goddamn hotel he was staying at before taking a deep breath, muttering a string of curses lowly to clear your head and pulling out of the parking space.

The entire day was a mess. Chanyeol, your commis baker, was surprised to see you head in earlier than you said you would, all of the kitchen crew and bakers flinching as you glared and yelled at them to get their shit together. You busied yourself in the kitchen, feeling Johnny’s wary eyes on you as you punched the dough like a possessed madwoman. Perhaps you weren't as good at masking your emotions as you thought you were, the entire staff catching onto the fact that their usually-cheerful patisserie chef was perhaps not seeing dough for fresh bread but instead visualising the mochi cheeks of the man whom Korea had lovingly dubbed as the actor with the most perfect heart-shaped smile.

Perfect, my ass, you thought derisively.

The day passed in phases. By 4PM, you’d baked way more puff pastries than necessary, waving off Chanyeol who meekly suggested to stop making so many since there was already a piling excess which would most probably be wasted if not sold by tonight. You told them all to just take some home, that there were your treat and involuntarily, your hands started to slow down as evening dawned, your upper arms beginning to ache slightly because you didn’t pace yourself in your rage.

You sighed as you headed to the back of the kitchen, walking through the smaller door that was alongside the pantry—a smaller space that was solely for you, a place that you lovingly called your own and was the birth of many of your sweet creations.

The anger shifted to the second phase in the evening, one that infuriated you more because at least you were productive with your fury. Now, you just slumped at the marble countertop while staring at the small fridge in the corner that still held the gold-leafed chocolate tart from two nights ago.

You sighed as you buried your face in your flour-stained palms. This has never happened and it was stressing you out in levels that you had never expected it to—because you’d never had a fight with Kyungsoo. Petty arguments, sure, but nothing that couldn’t be solved with his spaghetti or your macaroons.

Then again, he’d never been like this. Never had he avoided you, never had he cancelled multiple times on you repeatedly, never had he broke the sacred tradition of meeting you as soon as he was back. It had been too many times now to be a mere coincidence, he was definitely avoiding you. You could tell that he was lying and your anger from today morning had subsided to just an intense worry that felt like cramps in your lower abdomen, sighs falling from your lips as you wondered what was wrong.

You thought about calling his mother for a brief moment but you could already guess that she was just as oblivious as you, maybe even more. She hadn’t seemed fazed when you’d went over yesterday, hadn’t noticed the distress on your face as you realised that you’d missed him yet again.

The rest of the day seemed to drag on forever. Your limbs were sore and you knew your bed would be nothing short of welcoming right now but you didn’t want to go back home in a state like this where your thoughts would be louder than ever.

Around 9PM, you decided to call it a day and closed up early. You could see the relief in everyone’s faces, especially Chanyeol who looked like he wanted nothing more than to go home and pass out. Once the entire crew had left the bakery with a box of all your rage-fuelled treats—Chanyeol had been right, there had been way too many puff pastries, cake pops and enough cookies for the entire neighbourhood—you sat alone in your workspace with nothing but silence echoing around you.

Sighing softly, you stood up and connected your phone to the small Bluetooth speakers placed at the corner of the room, putting on your Coldplay playlist. You washed your hands in the sink before setting out to make the lemon meringue pie.

There was a reason why Kyungsoo loved it the most amongst every other dessert you made—it was your go-to dessert whenever you were upset. Although the recipe wasn’t challenging nor was it particularly difficult to make, it does require a lot of patience and dedication to get a flawless pie every time. Kyungsoo loved watching you create it; you’d lost count of the number of times he’d walked in to see you furiously whipping the cream filling for the pie. The amount of concentration it took at each step usually helped calm your nerves, distracting your noisy thoughts enough to focus on the dessert at hand.

Initially, you’d thought he called it his favourite only because he’d seen first-hand how much effort it took to bake it but then Kyungsoo had explained that he could taste the effort, that the tarty tanginess of the lemon filling which would first wash over his tongue slowly morphs into the subtle sweet aftertaste of the creamy meringue which was addicting enough to make you crave for more.

There was a small part of you that didn’t believe him when he’d said that and an even smaller part that had been too flattered to believe it, unable to even form a coherent response to it but baking the pie now made your chest ache as it occurred to you that it’d probably join the tarts in the fridge from two nights ago.

The lemon meringue pies tasted best when eaten immediately and he knew it—which was exactly why he often sat around to watch you make it.

You decided not to dwell on it. Once you were done with the pie, you’d call him one last time to ask if he could meet you wherever possible tonight itself. You’d use the pies as an extra leverage, perhaps as a ruse to just lure him out. Just so you could yell at him for being an idiot right at his face instead of at the phone.

You’d just lined the pastry base into the pan and chilled it for an hour before baking it in the oven while you whisked the lemon filling. The humming of the oven had involuntarily made your shoulders loosen up as you lost yourself in making the lemon filling and you were softly singing along to Yellow as it echoed around the small kitchen space.  

The song suddenly stopped and your hands froze reflexively as you turned around to see your phone lighting up with an incoming call.

‘satansoo😈💕’

You dropped the whisk immediately and grabbed the dishcloth, wiping your hands hastily as you strode around the counter. You threw the cloth aside, hands still feeling slightly sticky as you grabbed your phone and disconnected the Bluetooth connection.

Your voice was slightly breathless as you finally answered, “Soo? Hello? Kyungsoo?”

There was dull music faintly thumping in the background but at a distance, as if muted. You frowned as the pause on the other side of the call lasted for almost three seconds before finally hearing an unfamiliar male voice.

“Hello? Y/N? Is this Y/N?”

“Yes, yes, it’s me,” you said loudly, furrowing your eyebrows as you felt a sense of dread creep into you. “Who is this? Where’s—?”

“You were the first on his emergency contact list,” the man interrupted, making your heart drop to your feet.

“What’s going on?” You asked hurriedly in a panic, your eyes widening as you felt your stomach twist. “Where’s Kyungsoo? Is he okay?”

“Ma’am, my name is Woo Shik and I’m the bartender at Club Exodus. Your friend is really really drunk,” the man replied, sounding slightly exasperated. “He came in around 7PM and got a room alone although we told him that he can’t do that singly but he insisted and said he’d even pay more for it. And now-now he’s just really drunk. He’s been yelling your name for the past half hour and crying something about rhu.. rhu something? Itaewon mess?”

“Rhubarb Eton mess,” you deadpanned, sighing. “I’m… I’ll be there as soon as I can. Could you just text me the address of the club, to this number?”

“Yes, ma’am, I’ll send the location right now.”

“Okay, thank you, I’ll be there.”

You hang up quickly and your limbs feel like they’re frozen, uncoordinated from your brain as you will yourself to move. You feel disoriented, a thousand thoughts flying through your head as you quickly pull off your messy apron and grab your phone. You don’t bother fixing yourself much, knowing that you probably smelled like fresh dough and lemons as you hurriedly shut off the oven. You pause as you notice the halfway baked pie shell, wondering if you should call Chanyeol and ask him if he could clean up in here as a favour.

The large grandfather clock in the main lounge area of the bakery suddenly sounded, echoing softly in the back-kitchen and you glanced down at your phone.

10PM.

He’s been drinking by himself for three hours.

“Fuck it,” you mutter, snatching the oven mitts and not even bothering to put it on as you use it just to shield your hand whilst grabbing the hot pie tray.

Your legs seem to move faster than your brain then, your body moving almost robotically as you threw the half-whisked lemon filling in its large glass bowl, the pastry shell and the cream for the meringue into the small fridge. It only held a few failed recipes and a couple of disfigured-looking pastries that you usually snacked on, along with Soo’s dark chocolate gold tart from two nights ago that you hadn’t had the heart to throw away, having expected him to walk into the bakery at some godforsaken hour and claim the dessert.

You felt a slight ache now as you stashed everything into the fridge, knowing how many ingredients that you’d just wasted because there was no way even you could resurrect or save this disaster after leaving this kitchen now.

Knowing that there was no time to regret it, you quickly cleaned up the counters and the rest of the workspace, grabbing your car keys and the lock to the bakery. You closed up the store and hurriedly got into the car, pulling up the location that the bartender had just sent you as you started driving to the club.

Your worry finally had a chance to fully materialise through the drive, your anxiety not allowing you to even play the radio as you raced to Club Exodus. It briefly occurred to you that there probably was a huge problem, something big that was worrying Kyungsoo if he was willing to go to the extent of booking a hotel room away from his parents and even avoiding you.

If there was anyone besides his mother who could read and see through him as well as she did, it was you.

God, Kyungsoo, what is going on?

You pulled up to the front of the club in almost half an hour, quickly jumping out and hurriedly gesturing to the car at the valet service guy standing at the entrance before heading in.

You approached the woman at the reception, your voice low as you asked, “I’m looking for Woo Shik? He’s with a friend of mine…”

“Oh yes, ma’am, hold on.” You weren’t even looking around the place, your senses almost numbed with tension as you followed the uniformed man to whom she gestured, one step behind him as he lead you away from what sounded like the main hall with its booming music that you could feel reverberating through the walls.

He showed you to a door and you could already hear Kyungsoo’s deep laughter even before entering. You pushed open the door and your eyes immediately fell on your best friend, his cheeks appearing redder than you’d ever seen them as he laid back on the black leather couches. A man in the dark burgundy uniform of the club who you assumed to be Woo Shik was trying to clear the table alongside the couch in a desperate attempt to save the bottles and glasses of alcohol from falling onto the floor.  

“Kyungsoo,” you said flatly and Woo Shik looked up from the couch towards you, wide eyes filled with exasperation.

“Y/N?” He asked hopefully and you nodded, sighing.

“Did he drink more after we called?” You asked, stepping into the room fully and scrunching your nose in disgust at the way the place was reeking with alcohol.

“No, but he’d been chugging for a while and they’re all settling in now, I think,” Woo Shik explained tiredly, stepping away to let you walk around the table towards your drunk best friend.

You forgot what to even say as you looked at Kyungsoo who was giggling giddily on the couch, his eyes closed as his hands flailed mindlessly. He looked almost smaller in the way that he was curled up on the leather seats and you could see that he’d grown thinner since the last time you’d seen him. His cheeks were very flushed and that’s when you realised that this was the first time you’d seen him so shit-faced drunk. Of the both of you, he was the one with the higher tolerance and he’d seen you blackout drunk more times than you’d seen him in the past three years and it occurred to you that he must have definitely had way too much than usual tonight to be like this.

“Soo,” you heard yourself mumble, your hands reaching for his that were still blindly reaching for something in the air. His eyes snap open when he feels your hands clasp around his, dark shining gaze shifting towards you. You watch as his eyes widen and even before you can react, his grip tightens fiercely around your hand as he yanks you to him with a high-pitched squeal of your name.

You curse as you almost collapse on top of him on the couch, feeling his body beneath yours that was radiating so much warmth that you would have mistaken him to have a fever if it weren’t for all the alcohol lying around.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiii,” Kyungsoo slurred, smiling happily up at you as he wrapped his arms snugly around your middle while staring down at you. You felt your heart slightly melt at his elated expression, your anger and worry momentarily dissipating as you gazed back into his shining eyes.

“Hi,” you replied softly, feeling almost shy from the way he was looking at you as you realised that Woo Shik was still in the room and probably waiting for you to collect the mess that you had in your arms who had caused him enough trouble.

“Okay, can you sit up?” You ask slowly like you’re talking to a child as you pull away enough to help him sit upright. He’s still gripping one of your hands tightly and you let him use your other arm as a support to pull him upwards slowly so as not to make him dizzy.

You look up at Woo Shik then, your tone apologetic as you ask, “How much is all of this?”

“He already paid, ma’am,” Woo Shik replied, shaking his head at you.

“Okay, I’ll just take him away then, I’m so sorry for the trouble,” You quickly say as you grab Kyungsoo’s arm and throw it around your neck. You put your own arm around his waist, holding him to your side while trying not to inhale the alcohol-stench reeking off of him. Woo Shik offers help but you shake your head at him as you help Kyungsoo out of the club. He suggests the back entrance then, mentioning that it’d be safer because of his actor status and quickly hurries to tell the valet to bring your car.

You manage, with much difficulty, to finally seat Kyungsoo inside your car and strap him in safely. Once he is settled, you sincerely thank Woo Shik for all his help and make a mental note to send him some treats tomorrow and finally get back into your car. After driving away from the club, you slow down at a secluded alley and turn to Kyungsoo whose head is turned to face the window.

You gently shake his shoulder, wondering if he’s asleep as you softly call out, “Soo? Kyungsoo?”

His eyes blink open slowly and he turns to you, appearing almost woozy. You watch then as his eyes widen and the same elated expression from earlier washes over his face, his arms reaching out to wrap tightly around your frame as he again exclaims, “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii.”

“Yeah, yeah, hi, hi,” you mutter, rolling your eyes in exasperation as you try to pull away from his death-grip. Any other time, you’d have been taking videos of him like this to use as precious blackmail later.

“Soo,” you call out his name again as you try to get his attention on you. Once he is blinking at you while still grinning like an idiot, you enunciate slowly, “Your hotel. Where is it? Which hotel are you staying at?”

Kyungsoo blinks incomprehensibly and you see his grin widen, mouth opening excitedly to squeal your name again and you manage to grab his arms, stopping him from hugging you yet again.

“Kyungsoo!” You call out loudly, watching him flinch and you instantly lower your tone as you slump back in your seat while staring at him helplessly. There was no way you could take him back to his parents’ place when he was like this and you knew that his mother didn’t know the hotel that he was staying at either since she hadn’t mentioned it the last time.

Sighing, you turn with resignation towards the steering wheel and start up the car again, deciding to just take him home.

It wasn’t like he’d never been to your place before—he’d slept over on your couch multiple times but this would be the first time that he’d be doing it when absolutely wasted.

Kyungsoo hums softly beneath his breath as you drive and you’re quiet, listening to him as you chew on your lip nervously while wondering if you should talk to him. You knew he was drunk as hell and by the state that he was in, you guessed that his chances of remembering any of this tomorrow morning would probably be extremely low.

You decided to risk it.

“Soo,” you started tentatively and you were surprised when the humming stopped, knowing his attention was on you. You clear your throat before asking slowly, “Why didn’t you meet me?”

He frowns and you can hear the pout in his voice as he slurs, “Because you’re an idiot.”

You turn to look at him in amazement, eyes wide at the stupid response. “What?”

You turn back to the road as he continues, “It’s true. My mother says so too.”

“Your-your mother?” You sputtered, feeling more confused by the second. What the hell is he talking about? “She said not to meet me because I’m an idiot?”

“Nooooooooo,” Kyungsoo whined and you noticed him shift in his seat slightly from your peripheral as he explained, “I decided not to meet you. Mom told me that I’m an idiot. I think you’re the idiot but Mom says it’s me.”

You should just pull over and leave him on the roadside.

You take a deep breath, forcing yourself to remain calm as you reminded yourself to treat him like a child. He is a child and you need information so you tried again, slowly asking, “Why are we idiots?”

There’s a pause then and Kyungsoo mumbles something in reply, incoherent again.

You slow to a stop at the red light as you turn to face him fully now, squinting at him. “What? Why are we idiots, Kyungsoo?”

“Because I like you,” Kyungsoo sighs loudly and your eyes widen then, heart jumping to your throat.

Everything freezes around you and you stare at him, certain that you’d heard wrong as he leans back against the headrest, sighing dramatically again as he softly explains, “I’ve liked you for a long time but you’re an idiot to never see it. Mom told me I’m the idiot for never telling you but you’re the idiot for never seeing the signs.”

“S-signs?” You repeated, your voice cracking in your throat. Your heart is pounding in your ears as you ask quietly, “What signs?”

Kyungsoo sighs again, longer this time and you’re almost tempted to grab him by his shoulders and shake him angrily to get him to speak faster. You felt like you were going to be sick and this idiot was putting on the show of his life, acting dramatically like his rent was due the next morning.

“Sooooooo many signs, Y/N,” he slurs your name, dragging his words tiredly as he turns to you. He faces you and pouts childishly as he asks, “You think I run to all my friends’ arms whenever I come home on break? You think I cook with parsley which I hate with all my heart for anyone else? It’s only for you, because of how much you love it on your spaghetti. Most of my friends don’t even know I cook. I never even had a thing for sweets until you and I told you that but you’re an idiot. You thought its cause I love everything you make that much but that’s only a part of it. You idiot.”

You stare at him speechlessly and jump when you hear a loud honk behind you. Dazed, you look ahead and realise the traffic lights had changed to green, slowly prompting you to shift the gear and start driving again as the cars continued honking noisily behind.

You swallowed loudly, hearing an internal screaming in your head as you tried to gather your thoughts and process the words you’d just heard. You’re about to ask more, you don’t even know what, when you hear him murmuring softly again. You catch the word ‘rhubarb’ and start to ask why he kept ranting about your Rhubarb Eton mess custard and that’s when it suddenly hits you.

The last time that he’d come home for break, the time that he’d spent with you before leaving for the movie that he’d just finished shooting, you’d made him the Rhubarb Eton mess custard. The call to travel to Japan had been abrupt, causing him to have to leave on short notice and he’d spent the night before his flight with you at the bakery. It was after working hours, close to midnight and you’d been experimenting and crafting desserts with rhubarbs since they were in-season and had whipped up the Rhubarb Eton mess custard quickly just for him.

He’d watched you in his usual seat opposite the counter as you made it and after having his first spoon, he’d scooped a spoonful of the creamy custard and fed it to you. After taking the bite, however, the blood-red juice of the rhubarb had stained your lips with a bit of the whipped cream at the edge of your mouth.

Kyungsoo had reached out almost reflexively, his thumb swiping against your lip and you’d gone still, both of your gazes locking as you’d felt the atmosphere shift. You thought it had only been in your head, that it had only been you wondering what the expression on his face would be if you leaned forward and sucked the cream from his thumb, if his eyes would dilate watching your lips wrap around his digit the way that you were sure your eyes had when his hand had reached towards your mouth.

You could still recall how terse the silence had been then, both of you in a silent stare-off as you waited for the other to make a move and Kyungsoo had finally broken the moment by retrieving his hand, flashing you an innocent grin as he licked the cream from his thumb and quietly finished the rest of the dessert.

Your heart had been hammering in your chest that whole night and you’d never even known.

“Oh god,” you breathed out involuntarily as understanding finally dawned over you. Kyungsoo had been humming beside you again but at your words, he went quiet and you continued, “The rhubarb custard. You’re talking about—”

Kyungsoo groaned loudly then, confirming your suspicions as he huffed in annoyance.

“I wanted to kiss you so bad that night,” he almost whined and you felt your cheeks reddening at his confession as he continues ranting, “You were just standing there with your lips looking all glossy and red from the syrup and that stupid whipped cream on your upper lip! I was already upset cause I had to leave you so soon and you were just standing there like an idiot and I just wanted to eat you instead of that damn custard.”

Holy fucking hell. “Kyung—”

“I’ve been whipped for you forever, Y/N,” Kyungsoo admitted, shutting you up abruptly. “I’m whipped for you like your whipped cream. Like your Eton mess. Like your perfect custard. Like your pies. Like—”

“Okay, okay, I get it, I get it,” you quickly interrupt him, desperately wanting him to shut up because you were certain that you’d cause an accident with the way your heart was pounding right now, your entire body feeling like it was on fire as your thoughts were disorienting. You were driving mindlessly, taking longer routes because you didn’t how much longer this conversation would go, if it would last all the way to your apartment or if he’d sober up once he got home. You felt like you were dreaming, like this conversation was unreal and wondered briefly if you’d gotten drunk with him too back at the club and this was just some cruel dream.

“Why…” you croak and you clear your throat before trying again. “Why didn’t you meet me?”

“Because you’re an idiot.”

“I swear to god, I’m going to—” You loudly inhale through your mouth, knuckles almost turning white around the steering wheel as you grit out, “Did. You. Avoid. Me. Because you like me?”

“Min Ah…”

He trailed off and you frowned in confusion, pausing as you faintly recognised the name. “‘Min Ah’? Jung Min Ah? Isn’t that your co-star for the movie you just did?”

Kyungsoo nods and he mumbles sleepily, “She said she likes me during the wrap-up party but I could only think of you. I didn’t want to see you until I got my shit together and sorted out my feelings because I didn’t want to accidentally confess to you.” He pauses then and you’re surprised when he lets out a loud humourless laugh. “Maybe I am the idiot.”  

You hesitate before asking, “Why don’t you want to confess to me?”

Kyungsoo is quiet for a while after that and you glance at him, wondering if he’d fallen asleep but he appears to be deep in thought. His words are almost unheard as he finally mumbles, “Because I don’t want to lose you.”

You fall silent at his heavy words, the intensity of the underlying meaning getting to you as you feel something break inside of you.

You don’t say anything for the rest of the ride then and Kyungsoo dozes off, falling asleep cutely with his mouth hanging open as he lays his head back against the seat while you drown in your thoughts.

Regardless of your feelings and how much you liked him too, the words that Kyungsoo had just uttered terrified you. Friendships were stable, they endured even the ugliest of fights and lasted longer while relationships were fragile; one slip and you could lose Kyungsoo. He didn’t confess to you because he didn’t know about your feelings but now that you knew that he felt the same, you didn’t know if you were brave enough to take the risk.

It could be the end to something beautiful.

But it could also be the beginning to something more beautiful, a small voice in your head reminded you.

Or it could be the beginning to something even more beautiful that would soon reach its untimely but inevitable end and leave you with only heartache and the absence of a best friend that you’d have to burden forever.

You sighed softly as you finally parked your car in front of your apartment. You glanced at Kyungsoo and realised he was sleeping soundly, looking so warm and comfortable that it made you hesitate in awakening him. You got out of the car and walked to his side, throwing his arm around your shoulder while softly calling his name. He woke up enough to step out of the car and you helped him up to your apartment, panting by the time you finally reached your door.

You lead him straight to your bedroom, resigning to spend the night on your couch since you knew he could definitely use the entire bed in the state that he was in. You help him out of the thickly-lined trench coat that he was wearing, holding your breath to not inhale the stench of the alcohol as you decided to just throw them all with the laundry tomorrow morning.

You remove his shoes and pull off his socks but your hands hesitate mid-air before reaching for his pants. It’s not like you hadn’t seen his legs before or anything—god knows he’d helped undress you from uncomfortable clothes on multiple nights when you’d gotten too drunk—but your stomach was twisting now as if he was a whole new person who you were stripping.

God, stop overthinking it.

You force yourself to help him out of his pants, purposefully not letting your eyes go astray as you decided to leave him in the thin black sweater that he was wearing and his boxers. You grabbed your blankets and tucked it around him, smiling slightly when you notice Kyungsoo immediately snuggle to the warm sheets like a child, making himself comfortable as he closed his eyes.

You went to the kitchen then, grabbing a tall glass of water and some aspirin pills before heading back to your room. You’d just placed them on the small bedside table and was turning to leave when you felt a fierce grip on your wrist.

Your breath stopped in your throat as you looked down to see Kyungsoo holding onto you, half-lidded eyes gazing up at you as he whispered one word.

“Stay.”

You step towards the bed then, getting on your knees on the floor so that your face would be at the same level as his. You raised the hand that he wasn’t holding to stroke his cheek gently as you murmured, “Sleep, Soo.”

He was quiet, his eyes still dark and intense as they remained locked with yours. Your heart thudded as you briefly wondered if he’d come to his senses and if he remembered everything that he’d just revealed to you but then he opens his mouth again.

“Do you know something?” His voice is hushed, like he’s telling you a secret and you shake your head quietly.

“You always smell like the bakery,” he whispers, smiling softly in a way that made your heart ache. “You smell like fresh bread and sweet vanilla and strong coffee. You smell like happiness. Like home.”

A soft sigh of disbelief escapes your parted lips at his words, his eyes having closed off while he spoke as he slowly fell into deep slumber.

You were so goddamn blind.

“We’re both idiots,” you snort quietly as you gently loosen his grip around your wrist and walk out of the room.

But you decided to be the bigger idiot.

You heard Kyungsoo shuffling inside your room around noon the next day, making you glance at your bedroom door from where you sat on the couch.

The night had seemed to last forever. After putting Kyungsoo to bed, you’d spent the entire night tossing and turning on the couch restlessly. You briefly considered waking up and baking something or even heading to the bakery so that you could angrily complete that lemon meringue pie you’d left half-baked but your body was extremely exhausted and refused to even move. All the activities of the strenuous day yesterday had completely worn you out yet your brain refused to cooperate, unwilling to grant you the bliss of sleep as your thoughts grew louder with each passing hour of the night. Kyungsoo’s words, his drunken confession all echoed like a haunting melody within your head, forcing you to reminisce and reassess every moment that you’d spent together, viewing it in a light that you’d assumed to only be exclusive to you but had perhaps been the same light that he’d been seeing you in as well.

You didn’t know what to do anymore. You felt more conflicted than you did when he had stood you up and you began to wonder if it had even been a good idea to even go to the club last night.

Should you have even brought him back to your place?

You could hear the shower in your room then and you knew he was probably washing off the events from last night, the stench of all the drinks that he’d downed. You sighed as you grabbed his chopsticks for the Chinese take-out that you’d just ordered—both of your go-to hangover food—since you knew he’d probably be hungry. You hadn’t bothered with breakfast because you knew that he wouldn’t wake up by then so you’d just settled on brunch.

The door opens and your heart jumps as you look up, eyes locking with Kyungsoo. He’d found one of his tees that he’d given you—“you stole it,” he insisted—and sweatpants that he’d left here from a previous sleepover. He looked better than he did last night and you cleared your throat, ignoring the nervous flutter in your chest as you asked blankly, “How’s your head?”

Kyungsoo nodded, stepping forward into the room. “It’s a lot better now. I woke up in the night with a headache and had the aspirin before sleeping again.” He hesitated before murmuring, “Thanks.”

You rolled your eyes. “Why’d you drink so much then, idiot?” You snort as you start to stand up, grabbing your phone.

You gesture to the food on the table. “I ordered Chinese. Have lunch and take another aspirin before you head back… home. Or to the hotel. Or wherever.”

Kyungsoo frowned at you as you searched for your bag. “Wait, what? You’re leaving?”

“I have a bakery to run, Kyungsoo,” you snort, finding your bag and grabbing your car keys as you head for the door while muttering, “I can’t keep coming in late because of you—”

“Y/N, I remember last night.”

You stop, hand freezing on the doorknob as your entire body goes still. Your back is facing him but you can feel his gaze on your back, feel the weight of it.

Kyungsoo’s usual deadpan tone sounds more wry than you’d ever heard it then as he says, “I remember last night so you can stop faking it and talk to me.”

Shit, shit, shit.

You take a breath, forcing yourself to slowly turn around and face him. You relent, throwing the keys and bag aside, crossing your arms in an effort to not reveal the way that your hands are slightly trembling as you nonchalantly reply, “I’m not faking anything, Kyungsoo, I am very mad at you.”

He rolls his eyes, opening his mouth to answer but you cut him off by asking, “How much?”

His gaze shifts to you and you clarify, “How much do you remember?”

“Enough,” Kyungsoo replies, carefully watching you now. When you don’t falter, he concedes, “Enough to know that I confessed to you.”

You close your eyes, taking a deep breath as you uncross your arms. “Look, it doesn’t have to be—”

“Is this your answer?”

You stop then, looking up at him with wide eyes. You frown at the shift in tone, noticing the despair that he was trying to hide in his expression as you ask, “What do you mean?”

“The fact that you’re pretending that nothing happened,” he answered, stepping forward as he spoke. “The fact that you’re ignoring everything I told you last night. Does it mean that this is never happening? That you’ve never liked me the way I’ve liked you?”

Your eyes are wide, back pressed to the door as he stood in front of you. The words that you wished to respond—even though you had no idea what they even were—were stuck in your throat as you gazed up at him, your breath growing shorter as you felt him raise his arm beside you to place it on the door as if to cage you in.

“Y/N,” he whispered your name, his close proximity and husky voice making your head feel like it was going to spin. Your lips parted of their own accord, head slightly arching back to look up at him as his plush lips hovered over your own. His face was close enough that his warm breath was mingling with yours and you could smell the minty toothpaste—your minty toothpaste.

Your heart was hammering so loudly in your chest that you could hear it, your eyes greedily drinking in the close proximity as they ran over his face with enough scrutiny to commit every detail to memory—the way his long lashes looked against his pale cheek, the tiny almost invisible mole right over his upper lip and the way his eyes looked like they were shining from within as they gazed at you.

Your breath audibly hitched in your throat as he leaned his head slightly to the side, angling his lips to yours until there was only a fraction of space between your mouths. You held your breath as he murmured, the words brushing against your parted lips, “Stop me, Y/N.”

And then Kyungsoo was kissing you.

Your eyes seemed to refuse to close, your body frozen like a statue and your arms were immobile at your sides as you felt his plush lips press against yours. It was light, hesitant and tentative like he was waiting for you to shove him off any second but you could feel the blood pounding through your head and coursing within every vein at that moment.

Fuck it.

You raised your hands tentatively, closing your eyes and almost collapsed back into the door as you started kissing him back. You felt Kyungsoo move his hand from the door then to gingerly place it on your hip and his other hand took your raised one that was hovering between your bodies to place it on his shoulder.

You made a soft sound of approval as you finally melted into the kiss, closing your eyes and digging your fingers into his shoulder to kiss him harder. Kyungsoo grabbed you by your hip then, holding you flush against him as he started kissing you more passionately while you dropped cupped his face with both your hands. You traced your tongue over his lower lip slowly and he was instantly parting his lips, slipping his own tongue into your mouth. Your guess was right earlier, you could taste the mint and as corny as it was, it had never tasted sweeter.

The kiss grew tender as he realised how breathless you seemed to be getting, both of your pulling away slightly while smiling against each other’s lips. Your eyes fluttered open to see Kyungsoo was smiling so hard that his eyes had become little crescents as they looked at you.

“You didn’t stop me,” Kyungsoo breathed out, sounding incredulous enough that you let out a soft laugh.

“You’re an idiot,” you repeated his words from last night, thumb stroking his cheek affectionately before correcting, “Well, we both are. I wouldn’t have stopped you ever, Soo.”

He pauses, gaze shifting from both your eyes as he asks quietly, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“For the same reasons you didn’t,” you replied with a sheepish smile. You suddenly grin with the memory of last night as you say, “If only you told me earlier, I could have said that I’m whipped for you too.”

Kyungsoo’s eyebrows furrowed at that, nose scrunching cutely in confusion as he repeats, “Too?”

“You said last night that you’re whipped for me like whipped cream. That you’re whipped like my Eton mess, like my pies, like my custard—”

“Oh my god, stop!” Kyungsoo buried his face in the crook of your neck in embarrassment, making you burst out laughing aloud as you fully wrapped your arms around his back and held him to you. His voice was muffled as he mumbled, “Most of those things aren’t even whipped.”

“I know!” You laughed again and pulled him away enough from you to look at his face. His cheeks were faintly rosy and it reminded you of last night again.

His voice is grumpy as he asks, “What else did I say last night?”

“A lot of things,” you teased, grinning as you kissed the corner of his mouth. “Enough to torture you for at least a decade.” You gasp exaggeratedly, raising your voice dramatically as you wonder aloud, “Who would have ever thought that Korea’s favourite actor Do Kyungsoo who has an internal breakdown every time he has to do aegyo and act cute was actually so cheesy and corny? That he would look me in the eyes, with his chest out while proudly saying that he is whipped for me like my whipped cream, that he would rather eat me than my custard—”

Kyungsoo grabbed your face then and shutting you up by kissing you again. You grinned against his mouth as he wrapped his arms fully around your waist, lifting you up against the door so that your legs curl around his lean hips.

“Aren’t you hungry?” You murmured into the kiss.

“Yeah, for you,” he countered, kissing your jawline. His husky voice right in your ear made the small hairs on the back of your neck rise as he groaned, “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to do this?”

“Mm, show me,” you hummed, taking his face into your hands again as you kissed him harder. You thought Kyungsoo would lead you to the couch but he carries you to your bedroom instead, laying you down on the edge so that your legs are hanging off the edge of the bed. You blink up at him, pouting slightly as you clutch the front of your shirt—his shirt. Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow then, smirking slightly as he asks, “In a hurry, are we?”

“You think you’re the only one who’s been waiting forever?” You retort, using your elbows to push yourself back further up the mattress. You grab his hand and yank him harshly towards you, making him stumble slightly as he almost fell over your body while you started lifting his shirt off of him.

Kyungsoo raises his arms, helping you pull off the thin shirt and you immediately grab his shoulders, pushing him onto the bed beneath you. He blinks up at you in surprise as you throw your leg over his waist to straddle him, his gaze questioning as he looks at the blouse that you still had on.

“I’m going to be so late for work,” you muttered, pulling the blouse off your neck and throwing it across the room as Kyungsoo rolls his eyes at you.

“Chanyeol can hold the fort down for one day, Y/N,” he snorts as he sits upright against the headboard to grab your hips and seat you on his lap properly. You feel the growing bulge beneath his sweatpants brush against your clothed core and your lips part open of their own accord, making him smirk almost dangerously at you as he murmurs, “Has anyone told you that you’re a workaholic, babygirl?”

The word is so foreign from his lips, his expression so foreign yet familiar as he gripped your hips tightly to adjust you right over the tent in his pants. He leans forward and kisses you with an almost vehement fervour, trailing his hungry mouth over your cheeks, jawline and down the curve of your neck. You sigh softly, eyes closing and head arching back as you feel his plush mouth suck on the sensitive soft spot on your throat, his tongue licking incessantly.

Kyungsoo’s hands move almost unnoticeably, curving around your back to unclasp your bra as he marks up your neck. There’s a fire coursing through your body, making you feel as if you’d been plugged into a circuit—every place on your body that he was touching; his lips, his fingers, his firm thighs spread beneath your own, his warm breath were all sending crackles and tingles of electricity through your veins.

You could feel the outline of his hardness against your thin shorts now, your wet heat pressed right up against him and his fingers expertly pull the bra off your body. His cool fingers are cupping your breasts then, thumbs stroking your nipples experimentally as he teasingly thrusts his hips up into you.

A loud moan leaves your lips unintentionally at the sparks of arousal ignited by his touch and your eyes snap open as you hear yourself, feeling Kyungsoo still slightly beneath you at the very porn-star-like noise that you’d just made.

He pulls away from your neck to look up at your wide eyes and you’re already opening your mouth to apologise, feeling the embarrassment swallowing you but he grabs the side of your neck then, kissing you fiercely.

“You sound so fucking beautiful,” he groaned huskily, closing his eyes as he leaned his forehead against yours, his voice a breathy whisper as he said, “To think that I could have been hearing those moans all this time.”

Your heart swells with an emotion that you can’t quite describe, an overwhelming need to feel as much of him taking over your senses as you crash your lips to his heatedly. Kyungsoo responds immediately, kissing you back just as hard as his fingers continue playing with your breasts and tweaking the nipples while you moan just for him.

Your own hand that had been on his chest lowers down his torso and slips underneath the elastic band of his sweatpants. Your fingers immediately wrap around his length, eliciting a groan at the back of his throat as you smile into the kiss while stroking him up and down.

Lips latching onto the spot beneath his ear, you kiss and suck at the skin gently while pressing him back against the headboard. Teasingly, you explore his length leisurely with your hand and feel the way that it is already slick with pre-cum, using your thumb to spread the fluid around the slit.

You gasp against his neck when his hands tighten harshly around your breasts, fingers squeezing your nipple roughly enough that you felt it all the way in your throbbing pussy. Quickening the pace of your wrist, you continue circling the soft bulbous head of his dick with your thumb while he gropes your breasts. You pull away then to look at him, watching the way his chest heaves with the movement of your hand and his eyes flutter dazedly at you.

His gaze is unfocused and you lean forward then, kissing him as you start stroking his length with repeated up-and-down motions. Kyungsoo grabs your wrist then, stopping you and he pulls away from your mouth enough to say, “You’re going to make me cum like this.”

Kyungsoo’s hands find your hips then, tugging at the black shorts that you had on and you let him slip his hands beneath the waistband, pulling both your shorts and panties down your bare thighs. You raise your ass off his lap and yank the material from around your ankles hurriedly before straddling him again.

You grab his erection then, holding your breath and watch Kyungsoo’s face, noticing the awe on his face as you rub his head over your slit that was glistening with arousal.

“Oh fuck,” he curses lowly as you guide his dick inside you, the head parting open your dripping slit and your eyes were already fluttering at the immense pleasure you felt with just his tip inside you. You didn’t even realise the way you’d been whimpering until Kyungsoo shifts his gaze higher to watch your face, staring at you as you arched your head back while slowly pushing yourself down onto his length.

Your free hand is on his shoulder, his own wrapped around your wrist as you whimpered his name breathily when you feel his thick length stretching your tight walls open in the most pleasurable way. Kyungsoo’s arms wrap around your waist then as you begin moving up and down on his lap, riding his dick at an already speedy pace while you felt your lower abdomen tighten with arousal.

His plush lips latched onto your breast then and you moaned loudly, grabbing the back of his head and holding it to your chest as he sucked your nipple into his warm mouth. The wet warmth of his tongue and lips, along with the way his dick felt inside you as the tip brushed against your clit with every movement you made all had you soon trembling on his lap as you tried to reach both your highs.

Growing impatient, Kyungsoo grabs your hips then and pulls you off of his length, making you gasp at the sudden feeling of emptiness, your walls desperately clenching around nothing. He shifts you around so that you’re lying back on the mattress, hands quickly removing the sweatpants that he still had on before crawling back atop you and spreading your legs wide.

His eyes are dark and heavy as they watch your face clearer then, memorising the way your lids flutter when he pushes his dick into your throbbing wetness again. You mewl softly as he fills you up again, already addicted to the way he feels inside you as you wrap your arms around his back.  

You don’t get a moment longer to relish in the feeling as Kyungsoo immediately starts moving his hips at a quick and snappy pace against you, thrusting into you roughly enough that you can hear the echoes of skin slapping against skin. The wet squelching noises of your core become louder with every thrust, your walls tightening with the looming orgasm as he fucks you and you don’t realise how loud you are until he lowers his face to your chest.

Walls clenching around him tightly as if to suck him inside you, he groans at how utterly tight you feel as he thrusts faster. Your pussy convulses as his teeth sinks into your sore breast, Kyungsoo realising how sensitive you are over there by the way your body instantly reacts to him as you feel yourself finally fall off the edge.

Your nails are digging into his back and you groan as Kyungsoo’s hips stutter against yours, the rapid way that your pussy clenches and unclenches around him as you cum setting off his own orgasm. You gasp as you feel his warm heat flood into your slickness, filling you up as he continues sloppily thrusting to draw out both your orgasms.

You’re whining his name into his flushed neck as you slowly come down from your high, hand lowering to the small of his back as he collapses on top of you. He buries his face in your shoulder, breathing hard as you wrap your other hand around the back of his head while trying to catch your own breath. Feeling him soften inside you, he begins to pull away slightly but you wrap your leg around him and push him to his side so that he is still inside you with your body still pressed up against him.

You’d always thought Kyungsoo looked beautiful but you don’t think you’d ever seen him as radiant as he was right now, basking in a post-orgasm glow as he smiles at you. His gaze is filled with so much warmth and affection, the same expression that he’d had yesterday at the club when he’d first seen you and you feel shy all over again.

“Hi,” you mutter embarrassedly and Kyungsoo laughs softly, nudging your nose with his own.

“Hi,” he teases back, grinning.  

He wraps his arm around your waist then, pulling you to his chest and you snuggle in that familiar warmth, smiling when you feel him bury his nose in your hair and inhale, remembering his drunken words from earlier.

‘You smell like happiness. Like home’.

You tightened your arms around Kyungsoo then, finally being able to realise the emotions that you always felt around him, that you always felt with him and that you felt now when you held him. The way that your heart had always swelled with every touch and gaze of his, that indescribable happiness that took over your entire body every time that he came back from a shoot and you had your arms around him again.

Best friend or boyfriend, Kyungsoo was your happiness.

He was your home.

[psychicprincesscreation]

NUANCE

Edit 7 (7/12): I didn't realize I kept breaking the link when I was trying to come up with a good title lol my bad.

Last two titles: "I'm not your bass-slut anymore." (That didn't exactly fit the narrative.)

"Don't fuck your idols. :)"

Since everyone is talking about accountability, let me put it succinctly: I was 22, this was consensual for me, I was a "groupie" who knowingly emotionally cheated on my then-bf with Bassnectar for months, I broke it off & moved out because I expected more from the relationship than I ever got.

As one person on IG stated: I was just a groupie whose fantasy didn't go the way I wanted it to. Lol it's true, but that isn't the whole story.

I know it's easy to focus on how I was "old enough to know better" and the harmful choices that I made, but don't forget that Bassnectar actively pursued me even after finding out about my boyfriend -- I'm sure he wouldn't have had any problem finding a single girl to talk to instead, given his stature.

He offered me concert tickets, plane tickets, money to buy an apartment, he told me to email him as often as possible, he told me to keep everything a secret and to lie to my boyfriend over and over.

He tried to "save" me with controlling advice about eating, sleeping, not partying (ironic, considering that he is a DJ) not pursuing music journalism, not hanging out with any male friends whatsoever, where I "should" work. This was all before we ever met in person.

People don't realize how hard it is to say no to your idols, especially when they are CONSTANTLY offering gifts that I considered very extravagant at my age.

This wasn't a normal affair; I had absolutely nothing to offer Bassnectar but myself, yet he spoke to me like I was a star. He told me we could "go deep" and that he wanted to "mate" with me.

Of course my dumbass young-adult drug-addled mind is going to fall in love with the idea of him.

CONSENT IS NOT DEFINITIVE. I didn't consent to a relationship as two normal people sneaking around. I became a cheating asshole who was misled by a rich & famous liar. I never said what I did was right -- in fact, I made it very clear that I did something wrong, too.

I also said that my story is NOT as bad as the other accusers'. I absolutely do NOT think that I had it worse than anyone else. I think my story is important because it shows that his behavior wasn't limited to people underage.

Hopefully my candor denotes honesty and by admitting my faults in this situation, people can see that Bassnectar's emotional manipulation was real and calculated, and most certainly did not start or end with me.

Side note: Apparently Bassnectar DOES cuddle... I guess he just didn't want to cuddle me that night. Ouch! :)

Edit 6 (7/12): Too many typos to fix so I'm just leaving them now lol. Added detail.

Edit 5 (7/12): Just because I say I'm slutty and I like sluts, doesn't mean every girl/women who was involved with Bassnectar is a slut. I'm just owning that label to change MY narrative for MYSELF. I really don't think there's anything wrong with being slutty -- it's always the rest of the world that has a problem.

I wrote this stream-of-consciousness, so I wanted to mention that sometimes my statements that involve other women may seem brusque, but I'm on the women's side. I mean to convey disdain for the way Bassnectar treated us (as a secret "harem",) rather than jealousy or annoyance toward the women. I hope it comes off that way, but I don't know who is reading this and how some might interpret my words.

Edit 4 (7/10):

Removed names. A story mentioned in this post wasn’t true. Either just a lie (to make someone look bad,) or I don’t remember it properly ‘cause it’s been so long. If it was my fault: my bad. 

Edit 3 (7/7): 

FIXED SOME TYPOS! 

Edit 2 (7/7):

I like sluts. Stop making us feel bad for wanting love *and sex, too. 

Another thought: Bassnectar probably pursued a relationship with me because I had a boyfriend. Therefore, I would be more secretive and would have to take some of the responsibility and guilt in this situation, too. And that is true. I do feel guilty about the lying and sneaking. I think that it was inevitable that I would break up with my then-boyfriend, but it really wasn’t Bassnectar’s place to accelerate the break-up by giving me the impression that Bassnectar would be my boyfriend instead. This wasn’t friendly advice given to me by someone older, this was tactical. It makes me wonder if a lot of girls/women don’t want to come forward because they are afraid that the truth will come out about their own affairs? 

Don’t be afraid to tell your story because women-hating assholes try to dissect and expose your secrets in an attempt to discredit you! Bassnectar is the one who needs to be exposed for HIS indiscretions -- this is about what HE did wrong.  Edit 1 (7/7): 

- Bassnectar told me that he was coming to NYC and because we had an online relationship, I thought that he was coming to see me. My friend told me today that Gov Ball 2013 was the same weekend, so I think he may have actually been in NYC for that reason (I don’t think he was scheduled to play on the flyer,) but I was delusional about it.  - I removed the screenshot of his phone number from the post because I don’t want to violate any doxx rules. I am still willing to compare this phone number with other women/accusers to corroborate our stories. :)  - This is my story told from my perspective. I was an adult and I’m not posting this with the intent of legal action, or revenge (although I do admit that this relationship was devastating and heartbreaking for me.) I just want people to know what kind of person he is. - My story is not as harrowing as some of the other accusers’, but that doesn’t make it invalid. - Even now, reliving everything hurts me and I wish I could say that it was real, but now that I’m older I am wise enough to know that it was all lies. - I stand with the women who Bassnectar has hurt in similar, or worse, ways.  

----

My relationship was short-lived, but it was so eventful for me that I remember it clearly. I'm mentioning many minuscule details because I think that could help prove the validity of other victims' stories.

Writing in bullet points because it's easier for me to sort through the memories. I'm calling him Bassnectar because the "Lorin" I was talking to is someone that I feel hurt and appalled by now.

• I don't have social media/email screenshots because I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter years ago. Bassnectar asked me specifically to delete our emails because his "girlfriend had caught him" and asked me to get rid of the evidence because she was "demolished." (I will go into a bit more detail about that later on.)  • I don’t have a “smoking gun” that skeptics are looking for, but that’s what happens when someone asks you to keep everything a secret and delete everything that shows you were communicating.

----

• This happened in 2013 over many months, plus Bassnectar texted me a few times about once a year after our "relationship" ended. • I was 22 at the time. I'm from NYC and frequently went to clubs, shows, events, and festivals with my then-boyfriend (who I lived with) & the same group of friends. • Bassnectar was one of our favorite artists and we'd seen him perform several times in several states. • My friends had a private Facebook group where we'd tell each other about shows and make arrangements to travel/meet up/stay over each other's places. • I was very interested in music journalism at the time and occasionally wrote show reviews for my friend's online music magazine. • I actively used Twitter. I basically tweeted at every DJ we liked, and always posted reply screenshots in our private Facebook group to share with my friends. • Things became complicated with my then-boyfriend, but we still lived together. We had recently gotten back together around the first time Bassnectar DM'd me on Twitter.

• Bassnectar responded to a Twitter pic I posted of our mini-fridge with a Bassnectar logo sticker and said that he "liked my fridge" or something. • I screenshotted this and posted it in my group because he was the biggest artist who had responded to me at that point. • I thought I could use this as an opportunity to interview him for my friend's mag. • After I already posted the screenshot in my group and had responded to his DM, he sent another message asking me not to screenshot him because he "hates that." • I deleted the screenshot from the friend Facebook group. I stopped screenshotting and sharing our conversations with my FB group immediately after he asked. • I continued to chat with Bassnectar via Twitter and said that I was a big fan of his merch and that I bought several things at all the shows I've attended. • I asked to interview him at some point in the conversation, and he skirted over the request.  • Instead, he gave me his email (bassnectar2012) and asked me to send him merchandise ideas. • I slapped together a few simple, quick ideas on Photoshop or something and sent them to him.

(I don’t know how to embed a picture on Tumblr lol -- will update.)  • You can see that the image I sent is no big deal, and all the files were similar, but he responded as if they were the greatest things he had ever seen. He definitely made me feel special and talented. • We emailed regularly and relatively frequently for days. • Emails are exchanged back-and-forth and eventually I asked to interview him again and he agreed. • I gave him my number and he called me. My then-boyfriend was aware that I was in contact with Bassnectar, with my original intention of interviewing him. • My then-bf was in the room when Bassnectar called me for the first time. • Bassnectar didn't want to be interviewed; he wanted to get to know me. I agreed to just chat at first. • He told me not to call him Bassnectar because that was his "band" and that I should call him Lorin. • At some point he asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him no, even though things were complicated with my then-bf and we were technically together.       > I know I'm going to be chastised for doing this, but I've learned years ago that I made a bad choice. Honestly, I still wanted an interview, and I am well-known for leading with my sexuality. This is when I started becoming deceitful with my then-partner. Simply put, I was just more enticed by the idea of advancing my career, and eventually the allure of potentially being Bassnectar's girlfriend, so lying seemed best. Just because I’m flawed, too, doesn’t mean Bassnectar did nothing wrong. 

• My then-bf confronted me about not saying that we were together. I felt guilty and the next time I spoke to Bassnectar, I confessed that I was back together with my then-boyfriend and I wasn't single. (I don't remember if it was via text or voice call.) • Bassnectar was upset that I lied, but continued to talk to me nonetheless through text and email.

• He made me feel like my writing was profound and touching, and that we were falling in love. • He would tell me that he wanted to "bring me the sun," or "get me a puppy." He said things that were romantic and poetic and I felt heartened to respond to what I thought was love. • He said he had $10,000 in his mattress and he wanted to get me an apartment in NYC, so I didn't have to live with my then-bf anymore. • He would text me before and sometimes immediately after he played shows then say he was going to sleep by like 12am (typically.) It was easy to keep up with where he was playing via social media.  • He offered to fly me to his show in Red Rocks so I could attend. (I didn't accept.)

• He called me from time-to-time and told me not to tell my then-bf who I was speaking to. • One day he had me call a different phone number, which he said was his "home phone." • He told me a story about a beautiful girl named (removed)? Who he had a falling out with because she mentioned that Bassnectar told her that he didn't like Steve Aoki. (I don't remember that story in detail -- I think he was telling me so I wouldn't tell other people when he talked about other artists.) > Edit (7/10): This person messaged me to say that’s not what actually what happened between them. • One day I was speaking to Bassnectar on the phone and didn't answer when my then-bf called on his way home from college classes (I always answered right away.) He asked who I was speaking to and I admitted "Lorin."

• When I called Bassnectar back, he became annoyed that I told the truth and said that I should tell my then-bf that I meant my girlfriend Lauren instead. • I began to sneak around more, lie more often about who I was speaking to on the phone, and texted or emailed Bassnectar almost every single day. • He said we should skip Camp Bisco 2013 and just spend time together. (Obviously anyone who attended Camp Bisco knows that didn't actually happen lol.) • He was flirtatious, charming, and always offered me tickets to events, or sometimes to fly me to where he was. I didn't accept any of this then.

• He told me that I shouldn't do any drugs, not even smoke weed. All of my friends were casually experimenting back then, and I was equally as candid as I am now about everything I did. He told me not to do drugs at his shows, or any shows, and especially not around guy friends. • Me and my friends traveled to see a show in Philly and stayed with friends. When I texted saying I was mostly with guys (my friend group was mostly guys at the time,) he asked if I "felt safe" and offered to get me a hotel. I thought it was unusual because I always felt very protected by my male friends. • He told me that I shouldn't hang out with guy friends, or have guy friends at all. • He told me that guy friends all wanted to sleep with me and I didn't realize it. • He told me I should eat healthier and exercise regularly -- it was very weird and controlling. He just didn’t want me to be myself.  • He told me that he had a girlfriend who had two abortions. I think because we were talking about relationships?  • He told me that he grew up in a hippie commune and was Christian and he questioned his priest and that his mom was a poet laureate. It just seemed like he wanted me to get to know him at the time. • He told me I was co-dependent with my boyfriend and that I needed to become independent and move out. • He told me I should make lists of my life goals as an independent person and email it to him. • He told me not to tell anyone about us talking. I told all of my girl friends, but it was a "girl code" situation and none of the guys or my then-bf knew what was going on. • We talked A LOT and often, but all of this only happened in a matter of months.

• Time passes and our emotional affair eventually becomes physically intimate when he says that he is going to fly to NYC. This is JUNE 2013! He played at Electric Zoo 2013, but that wasn't until Labor Day, so I'm not sure why he really needed to go to NYC, but it definitely wasn't for a show because me and my friends would have been there. > NOTE (7/7): My friend read this and mentioned that Gov Ball 2013 was the weekend before, so there is a good chance that Bassnectar was already in NYC for some reason and didn't actually come to see me personally like I was led to believe. lol.

• He alleged that he would see me again around Labor Day when he came back for EZoo, too.

• I am from Staten Island, and wasn't totally familiar with Manhattan's layout at the time, but I think that the hotel he was staying at was in Midtown. It's been 7 years since this happened, but I tried my damnedest today to figure out exactly which hotel it was -- there are soo many in that area alone.  • If Bassnectar says any of this isn't true, then he's lying because there will definitely be a plane ticket or something with his name on it to NYC in JUNE 2013. > NOTE (7/7): I thought he was there to see me specifically, so the dates he told me was staying in NYC are probably not 100% accurate, but there is definitely some proof somewhere on his end that he came to NYC for whatever reason. The lies he told me are just coverup to make me lose credibility if this ever came out. 

• He said he had a hotel for three days. I think it was a Mon-Wed? I took off work those days so I could see him everyday that he said he would be in NYC. If he has no record of checking into a hotel around the time I'm citing, then his manager probably did it for him. I believe his name is Carlos. (I'm going by the memory of what Bassnectar told me.)

• Bassnectar met me in person at the Staten Island Ferry (Manhattan side) and we walked to Battery Park and sat on a bench and talked. • I felt extremely shy and awkward because I knew that by meeting up in-person, I had given up with my now-ex. The whole thing was conflicting and unfair to so many people, but it was too late now. • Bassnectar frequently complimented me in person. He said things like, he was dying to smell my neck, that he loved my wrists because they were delicate like a bird's frame.  • He said that he felt self-conscious that he would be recognized because he's used to being recognized in crowds. • He would pet and caress me, but didn't try to kiss me in public. • He told me that he got his hair washed at a hair salon and he gave the hair dresser a ($50 or $100?) tip and looked in the window to see her reaction and she was crying because she was so happy.  • He convinced me to go back to his hotel. We took a cab there. It didn't take that long, which is why I'm convinced it was Midtown. He never told me which hotel it was, but I didn't realize it was actually because he didn't want a trail back to him. I guess it worked.

(I'm about to get very detailed about my memories, so trigger warning for making people feel uncomfortable.)

• When we got to his hotel, he became physical with me very quickly, but he said he wouldn't kiss me first. That I had to do it first. So I did. • It progressed into kissing, cuddling, him touching me all over in bed with our clothes on. He dirty-talked a lot. I also remember that he moaned and grunted a lot, and I wasn't used to any of that. • At one point, I untied his hair and let it down and he joked that I was making sure he was really Bassnectar and not his assistant that I was meeting. • He told me about his go-go dancer friend who had fake boobs. I can't remember why. • I remember him kissing me against the wall, and he said something like, I want to fuck you against the wall and hold you up with only my dick. It was way too specific to forget. (It didn't happen, though.) • We inevitably had full-on sex after the on/off touching/kissing/talking. • He said he didn't want to wear a condom at first, but he thought he should. We did, but it felt like a test to see what I would say. • I remember that he wanted me to have an orgasm, and I instructed him which position worked best for me. • He orgasmed by having sex with me from behind and asked me to look back at him. I remember him draping his long hair over my back. How could I forget that? -_- • One of my girl friends texted me ("How are you plants doing?" was our code phrase) to check in and make sure I was okay because she knew where I was. It was monumental for me, so I told her it was great. • I sat on his lap while he looked at his laptop. • We had these deep conversations about life, and love, and the future and it seemed so real to me at the time. • I remember that I told him I was unsure if we could be boyfriend/girlfriend because he was so much older than me (I think he was 35 at the time?) • He told me about about a girl he loved named X who was also around my age. I didn't think it was that weird because I was convinced he still really liked me best, but he probably had so many "Xs" and I was just another one. • At some point, he commented on Facebook (or Twitter?) in response to someone saying he was Illuminati. Honestly, it was like we were two people hanging out because of how normal everything felt after the sexual tension was gone. 

• I remember having dinner with him at the restaurant across the street and talking about wanting to be a writer and he said I CAN'T WRITE ABOUT HIM EVER. (So it wasn't normal after all.)

• I remember, back at the hotel, he asked me perverted questions like, can you show me how you make yourself orgasm? He asked me to just demonstrate on his hand so he knew what to do next time. • I don't remember much more because I wasn't planning to stay. • My other girl friend had a job interview that day and we decided to meet at the ferry to take it home together. • On my way out, he walked me to the elevator and he gave me $50 to take a cab to the ferry and to use for a cab when I came back to see him tomorrow. (For my fellow New Yorkers who doubt this story, no, that wasn't enough fare for both trips, so the amount is definitely the truth lol.)

• I went to see Bassnectar again the next day. When I asked him for the hotel address or name, he wouldn't give it to me directly. He said it was because of people stalking him or something. I don't fucking know but it was obvious confusing bullshit and I think he gave me an address that was about a block away. I think he even said he would tell the cab driver the address over the phone. There was a lot of runaround to avoid saying the exact address. (Now the reason why seems obvious.)  • My details are a bit fuzzy at this point because I remember meeting him outside the hotel and going up together, but I forget why we met outside and why we were both confused about which street the other person was standing on. • We went up to the hotel room, he worked on music on his laptop, while I sat on his lap and read Trainspotting on my Kindle. • He let me listen to what he was working on, but I don't remember it. I just remember that he was working with female vocals. • He told me he had to meet his guy friend in Williamsburg because his friend was making him lobster. Looking back, it was probably another girl.

• I asked to stay because I wanted to spend more time with him. I texted my now-ex-bf (who I still lived with) that I was staying with my friend. • Bassnectar said that normally he would say no, but for some reason he agreed and left me in the room with the room key and all his stuff. He either really trusted me, or really trusted how much control he had over me to leave me with his laptop. • I left at one point to get pizza, and came back. I watched TV, but couldn't sleep. He got back some hours later and he was drunk off wine, but I just wanted to cuddle and sleep. • He jokingly thanked me for not stealing his things. • Apparently Bassnectar DOESN'T cuddle and made that a point, but he did sleep in bed with me for a bit, before moving to the other bed in the middle of the night. (There were two beds in this hotel room.) • For anyone else who had sleepovers with Bassnectar, you know that he sleeps with his own fans for the white noise. So we slept in separate beds with his own personal fans on. It was all very bizarre. • We didn't have sex this day at all.

• The next morning I went to Duane Reade while he was still sleeping so I could get toiletries and shower since the sleepover was impromptu. • He had a meeting with someone (manager?) who was supposedly coming to stay in the room later that evening? (It was probably another girl though? idk)

• When he got back, he made me go over the list of accomplishments and goals he asked me to email to him. • He told me that I shouldn't be worried about finding someone to be in love with and it should be a lower priority on my list. • He told me that I should get a job at a restaurant or American Apparel or something and get a shitty starter apartment with only girls. • He said that finding an apartment that was pet-friendly shouldn't be a priority at all. I had a pet cat so if I moved out, that meant I would have to leave my cat behind, but that didn't matter to him. • He told me that if I wanted a serious boyfriend, I shouldn't let him see my legs or have sex with him for a long time. • When he finished life-coaching me, we watched a movie together. • He chose Spring Breakers because he was supposedly asked to do the musical score for it and turned it down (that's what he told me.) • At one point in the movie, Vanessa Hudgens jokingly gestures to her friends that she's giving a blowjob, and Bassnectar said he "didn't understand why girls sucked dick." • We had sex once more, more quickly than the first time and with much less romance. I can't remember much because I just remember feeling sad about leaving soon and like he was blowing me off suddenly. • We took a shower together after.

• I packed up my stuff and before I left he gave me $1000 in cash without warning and told me I could use it to help put a down payment for an apartment or something, but I should pay him back because it would be "good for me."    > Looking back, when he left for a short while that    morning, it was probably to take out cash to give    me when I left. • He didn't walk me to the elevator this time and he sat on his laptop while I left feeling very cheap, stupid, and crushed.

• Time passes and we talk less and less. I'm heartbroken, but still make moves to find a job and move out of my ex's ASAP. • I email Bassnectar a diatribe saying I'm feeling hurt and abandoned. I say that I felt betrayed that he made me think we were essentially going to be together after I left my boyfriend and it turned out to be all lies. • I'm having lunch with friends when he calls me and is angry saying that he told me what I should do to make my life better and that he can't just give me a job or do anything for me and that I need to do things for myself. • My friends walk over to the car where I'm on the phone and when I say I'm ready to go, he asks who I'm speaking to and I say, "my friends." • He yells at me and asks why I'm talking to him on the phone when my friends are around (he asked if he could call and I said it was okay, I didn't know we were supposed to be alone.) I tell him I will call him back. • I text him and ask to call back and his mood flipped and he's suddenly super kind and apologetic and tells me he just wants me to be independent. He reminds me that I'M the one who told HIM that he was too old for me and we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend. • I am heartbroken all over again, but I move on with my life and move out within the next month or so.

> I actually did get a waitressing job as per his suggestion and saved money from that + the grocery store I already worked at and moved to BK by August 2013. I didn't use the money he gave me at first because I thought it was a reason for us to see each other again, and I was afraid to spend it in case I couldn't earn enough to pay him back by the time I saw him. (I never saw him again, though.) > In case you're wondering, I did spend it eventually when I started to resent him for blowing me off.

• I speak to Bassnectar very rarely, and only via text. He doesn't call anymore, even when I ask. • One day while I'm at work, he sends me a video of a beach he's supposedly vacationing at. • When we DO speak, he asks for nudes, usually. • When I send them, he says he feels guilty since “he has a girlfriend” and that we should stop. • Contact is so infrequent, when we catch up about my life, he gets annoyed if I mention I'm seeing any guys, but I never think he really cares because he stopped caring about me a long time ago. (If he ever did at all.)

• I still tried for months to maintain any kind of relationship with him because I truly thought we had something special, but he was always too busy for me. It fucking sucked because he was always in the back of my mind now that I was *~independent~* like he said he wanted me to be so many times.

• One random day when I was too busy to chat with him, I remember he actually DID call me because he said he lost a sound file and wanted me to record myself saying "I really like it." A few times to use on a track. I guess I took too long to get back bc 15 mins later, he texted to say he got it from someone else. I couldn't do it anyway because I was dealing with some other personal stuff. I forgot about it soon after. • I didn't listen to the album NSVB for a long time after it came out bc I was still hurt, but when I did.... I heard that fucking sound bite in whatever song it's on (I really don't care to know) and it fucked me up. • I was conflicted thinking, shit, did I blow my last chance for "us" ? I was still hung up on this asshole as if he were just some ex because of that emotional manipulation. • Would that have solidified what we supposedly had? Or would that have just been another way he used me? I began to resent him.

• Fast forward a few months and I'm drunk with my girl friend at home and text Bassnectar for the lols. I say that I should ask him for tickets to BASSLIGHTS 2013 in VA to make up for him being such an asshole. • Surprisingly he agrees on the condition that I only go with girl friends, don't do any drugs, and say that the Tix are left for me because I interviewed him. (Don't forget that no interview ever happened!)

• Before Basslights, he texts me and even asks me what songs he should play and I don't realize he's just stringing me along. Presumably it was just another plot to hook up. • Before we leave for VA, my friend who is driving admits that one of her OTHER friends secretly knows Bassnectar so we might be able to get into some party or backstage. Sooooo I guess she was another one of his "harem" that he was having a secret relationship with. (I don't mean anything negative towards that girl/woman, just that Bassnectar probably saw us this way and was playing *at least* the two of us at this time.) • My friends and I drive from NYC to VA and miss Bassnectar's set the first night because we arrived late, but the Tix were waiting for me at the box office. • If you get Bassnectar's guest list for Basslights 2013, my real name is on there. I'm sure a lot of other girls he manipulated are on there, too. • Bassnectar texts me and asks what I think of the show and I say I missed it. • He says he was thinking of me a lot during the show. • He texts me saying I should let him "vroom vroom in my girl power." Obviously he's alluding to sex, and I show the text to the friend who was at my place when I asked him for the Tix. He won't send a cab to get me at my hotel when I say sure, though, because he "has a girlfriend" again and he would feel bad. Maybe he was annoyed that I missed his set, maybe he picked someone else, maybe he actually was with his gf? Whatever. • I told him I didn't feel comfortable texting like that anymore because he said he had a gf. • He tells me I'm a good person.

• I am so hurt that I don't answer his texts at all anymore. • We go to Basslights night 2 and I get suuuuper fucked up with my friends (because fuck him) and have an awesome time and disassociate Bassnectar from his controlling bullshit. • I ignore him all the way back to NYC and just text to say I'm home. • He sends me an URGENT text saying that his gf suddenly found out about his gross infidelity and begs me to please delete all of our emails and texts. • I'm stupid and kind and fucking over him so I do it. He knew I would because he knew I was too nice of a person not to. • Bye bye evidence, though. :(  I regret deleting those emails even now because I knew this misconduct shit would come out eventually with him.

• LOTS OF TIME PASSES. Now and again, Bassnectar would text me just to say what's up and I'd barely respond. This only happened approximately once a year. • I'm pretty sure this was just to make sure he was on my good side and there wasn't a chance that I was going to expose him. • I think the last time he texted me first was all the way back in 2016.

• The last few times we spoke were when he had a cancer scare and I texted to say sorry. • When I went to Moonrise Festival, I asked if we could meet and he blew me off. It's been so long, I didn't really expect him to say yes, but it was worth a try. • When me and my friends went to Electric Zoo and he closed, I texted him saying that we couldn't hear well from where we stood and left early. I think he was offended because he replied saying that no one else complained. • The last time I spoke to him, I knew he was playing at an event near me and asked for tickets again so I could see him and he said he would be with his girlfriend. It was a one-off thing and I thought it was worth the try. •There were no cordial conversations in-between the times I contacted him at all. Just me being lonely and single and still hanging on to this idyllic version of him that never fucking existed in the first place. 

• I'm much older now and I know that a lot of this happened because of choices I made, but I was 22, starstruck, in a confusing relationship, partying, and desperate for an ethereal love that I sought in that music scene.

• I bet Bassnectar specifically targeted girls like me because (at least in my case) I was depressed, pumped full of mind-altering chemicals, pretty, and lonely. He acted like I was a unique, artistic, lost soul and he made me believe that he was the only one who could save me.

• At 22, you don't realize that a man 13+ years older than you shouldn't be asking you to keep your conversations a secret from everyone, asking you for nudes, asking you to lie to/break up with your boyfriend, inviting you to hotels, offering you gifts, and straight up giving you cash that you didn't ask for.

• But that man DEFINITELY knows he's doing something wrong, otherwise he wouldn't be sharing that hush money with you, or asking you to hide and delete everything.

• Because he would text me once in a while saying something like, "You cross my mind all the time," it would be enough for me to hang on to this hope that *maybe* there was still a chance. I couldn't see that it was just another manipulation tactic that worked well on me because I was still feeling the effect of the emotional annihilation from so long ago. :(

• I loathe how he made me feel for so long and it breaks my heart to know that there are so many other girls who were taken advantage of in worse ways by this egotistical LIAR in his position of power. Seriously, Bassnectar, fuck you.

ALSO: not sure if this was his burner phone or what, but here are the last two digits of the # he always contacted me with (sent in the DM). If any other victims want to corroborate by comparing numbers... Let me know.

(I REMOVED THE SCREENSHOT OF THE PHONE NUMBER IN CASE IT VIOLATES ANY DOX RULES, BUT I CAN SEND IT TO YOU DIRECTLY IF YOU ARE CONTACT WITH ME!) :)

---

[annehall24]

Like the Heart Goes [Part 1]

Chuck Shurley x Reader

Summary: In a fit of rage, Sam picks up the gun to kill God. When he accidentally shoots you instead, Chuck decides that he has had enough.

Warning: Lots of Language, Season 14 /15 spoilers, Angry Chuck, Violence, injuries

Word Count: 2500

A/N: Okay, so I know I said that it would be called “This Is Not the End”, but I changed my mind. All GIfs/Pics come from Google Images and are not mine.

You should have seen it coming. He would be calm and happy one second and scary and intimidating less than a millisecond later. There was that, and the whole "soul" thing. He had created billions of souls, yet he claimed that he couldn't fix Jack's. Then, there was the gun. The equalizer, as he called it. He created it to be used on his own grandson, just for entertainment. You thought, either he changed dramatically since you last saw him, or he was always like this and you were a fool. Either way, you sure did feel like one.

"Hey, Chuck!" Sam yells. You turn towards Sam and see him holding the equalizer, as Chuck called it. Whatever happens to the target happens to the person who shot the gun.

It took a second to realize that if Sam killed Chuck then not only would Sam die too, but the universe would as well. It was all about balance, as Chuck once told you. Even if you now know that Chuck never cared about you, you still couldn't let him die.

"Sam, wait!" You yelled. As Chuck turned around to face sam, You took two small steps before you felt something ripping through your right shoulder. It felt as though you had been shoved backwards and next thing you knew, you were on the ground with a small hole in your right shoulder.

"Y/N!" Dean yelled. You put your hard over the wound as you looked at Sam, who also had been affected by the shot.

Chuck looked at you with worried eyes before setting a straight face again. He was angry and you could feel it seeping out of him like radiation. It was suffocating you. You were the one who had been shot, not him. What would he be angry for?

"Fine! That's the way you want it?" He yelled at Sam. Nothing could have prepared you for what came out of his mouth after that. "Story's over. Welcome to The End."

"Hey, you okay?" Dean asks Sam as you lean against one of the tombstones. Sam just shot you, accidentally of course, but it still hurt like hell.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good." Sam says. "Y/N, are you okay?" you nod your head in response.

"I'm fine." You respond as Dean helps you up. "What the hell just happened." It was day, now it is night. What the hell is the point of changing the damn time?

"The hell if I know," Dean says. Sam struggles to his feet as you notice Cas. He's sitting next to Jack's corpse, and you can't help but feel sorry for him. He was closer to Jack than the rest of you. Even though you help Cas when it came to hiding Kelly from everyone, including the Winchester, Jack chose Cas as his father.

Sam looked at Jack, whose eyes had been burnt out by Chuck, before saying, "Wait. I thought Chuck said that the gun was the only thing that could..." He was referring to when Chuck said that the gun was the only thing that could kill Jack. That obviously wasn't the case, since he killed Jack no problem.

"He's a writer," Cas managed to say. "Writers lie." Not long after those words left Cas's mouth, you heard a popping sound. Looking around to see if anyone else heard it, you figured out that you weren't alone. It happened several more times, and that was when you noticed the things popping out from the ground. Is this what Chuck meant when he said, "Welcome to the End?"

"What the hell is happening?!" Dean said. He looked at you, so you shrugged your shoulders. You had no idea what was happening.

"Cas?" You asked. You figured that out of everyone, that he'd have a better idea. Honestly, you were mostly wanting Chuck to show up again so that you could beat the living crap out of him.

"Souls." He said. "They're souls from - from Hell."

"Shit." You say. Several more souls shot up from the ground, then something else happened. Lighting struck some, more like several, of the graves. The dead began rising, and you could tell you were all screwed. It actually wasn't that hard to figure out.

The zombies, for lack of a better word, began approaching you guys. You notice Cas taking out his angel blade. You suddenly wished that you had your sword, but today had been a really stressful day. Before you could realize that Dean had walked away in the first place, he was handing you a rusty iron rod that was probably from one of the fences. He handed one to you, then Sam, and he had one for himself as well.

The zombies get closer until they finally decide to attack. You swat the rod at one of the zombies. The almost fell over, so you took the chance to stab them with the rod, which actually did make them fall. You fought two more zombies before, hearing Cas call out all of your names. He picked up Jack's body and began running away from where you all were standing. You took that as your cue to follow.

Sam seemed to notice something, although it was probably because he was a giant and taller than you. He yelled, "Dean, this way!" Suddenly, you felt something grab onto your ankle. You looked down and then you felt it snap.

Dean heard you cry out in pain and smashed his foot onto the zombie's head. He picked you up bridal-style and began running behind Sam and Cas. You guys were pretty surrounded. You looked at Sam, and if it were just a normal day, you would have laughed at how Sam shoved one of the zombies over, causing it to fall and lay there.  You guys ran inside of a mausoleum. Dean gently set you down while Sam barricaded the door.

"Y/N, are you okay?" Dean asked. You nodded your head before he checked your ankle. You winced as soon as his fingers brushed it. He gave you an apologetic look, before refocusing his attention on your ankle. He examined it with a frown before sighing.

"It's broken." He says as he pats your shoulder.

"Figures." you scoff. This was the worst time to break your ankle. You felt helpless.

"Here." he finds some pieces of clothing in one of the corners. he grabs one of them and tries tears it to shreds. Once he finally succeeds, he wraps it around your ankle. He holds out his hand for you to grab. You take it because you needed something to hold on to. He was being as gentle as he could, but it still hurt. You were sure that you were hurting his hand by how hard you were squeezing it. If it did hurt him, he kept it to himself.

He stands back up and examines the room you guys are in. Then he looks down at Jack. "He didn't deserve this," he said. You completely agreed.

"Cas, is he here? C-C-Can you... Can you...?" Sam asked.

"I don't think so," Cas said. He looked downright miserable and he had every right to be.

"So, what? Chuck throws friggin' zombies at us now?!" Said dean angrily. He looked pissed, and although he usually never gets angry at you, you felt it. You were about to say something but Sam spoke up before you did,

"I don't know if they're zombies, Dean," he said, "I think... I think whenever the souls came up from Hell that they... they just..." You understood where he was coming from. You were about to respond, but Dean beat you to it.

"They what? Just jumped into the nearest body?" He said. You figured that if you wanted to speak, you had to do it fast.

"It makes sense," you said. "They're souls from hell. Those bodies probably aren't theirs." Dean nodded his head in understanding while Sam looked at you and your ankle with a worried expression. Today just wasn't your day.

First, your first love showed up out of nowhere. He had the nerves to bring back old memories of the two of you. Then, he betrayed you. Then, he killed someone you cared deeply about. One of your best friends accidentally shot you. Afterwards, he set a bunch of zombies on you and you broke your ankle. Well, technically the "zombie-like" creature did, but that's beside the point.

"Is that door really going to hold?" You ask. The way the barricaded it didn't look very stable. It looked like one push would cause the torch to fall and allow the ghosts to come barging in here.

"The doors are banded iron, so... I hope." Sam says. Dean paces around the room. You wanted to yell at him to knock it off and stay still, but then you wondered if it was calming him down.

"Chuck... He said, 'Welcome to the End.' What... What does that mean?"

"Maybe it means 'Welcome to the end'?" Dean gave you a Sam level bitch face before he continued pacing.

"Cas? Come on, man! Ideas! Can you smite our way out of here?" He asked.

"No. You saw them. I would be overwhelmed, Dean. I... I don't know. They... They're ghosts, technically. Maybe... Maybe we can burn their bones?" Cas suggested. You thought about it, but then you realized the flaw in that plan.

"Burn their bones? Cas, their bodies could be anywhere." Sam said. They needed to give Cas a break. He's hurting, Dean's hurting, Sam's hurting. Everybody's hurting.

"Great. So we go outside, we get ripped apart. We stay in here, w-what, starve to death?!" He says standing next to where your sitting.

"Well, I wouldn't starve." Way to go, Cas, for stating the obvious.

"Well, good for you. Good. Son of a bitch. Chuck. Man, I knew it." He said. You slightly winced as soon as Chuck's name was said, but luckily nobody noticed... except Sam. "I knew he would do something like this. He's always so squirrelly, you know, with the... with the... the robe and the beard and... the smile that's, like, half-nice, half I'm gonna rip your throat out. 'Oh, let me play you a song.' Ugh!" What Dean said was true. In the past, Chuck didn't seem as bipolar as he did today. It actually made you feel pretty uncomfortable when he yelled at Dean, then he smiled and snapped you guys back to the bunker. Your ankle began to feel uncomfortable.

"Damnit. I think my ankle is swelling," you say capturing Dean’s attention. He kneeled next to you so that he could help.

"Here, let me look at it,” He said as he tried to get a good look at your ankle.

"It's fine. I can- What the hell!" You yelled. You were no longer in the mausoleum with Sam, Dean, and Cas. You looked around the familiar room, and quickly recognized where you were. This was Chuck's living room, or at least it used to be before he disappeared in 2010. You knew this place all too well. You lived here with Chuck, as his assistant, before you knew monsters were real, before you knew Sam and Dean were real, and before Chuck told you his feelings for you were real. What a load of crap that was.

"Hey, Y/N," Chuck said. You finally notice him standing in front of you. "How are things?" You could feel your face becoming redder than the time Dean accidentally spilt beer all over you in public.

"You know damn well how things are." You said. You were not going to let him know how heartbroken you were. Although, him being God, he probably already knows.

"I know. When Sam shot you, I was angry too." He said casually.

"I'm not mad at Sam. I'm mad at you!" You yelled. Things with him weren't the same anymore. He left you too many times and his betrayal was too big.

"Okay, yeah. I admit that was pretty crazy."You looked at him with pure anger, before you somehow managed to get up. You struggled towards the door before Chuck worriedly asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving." You say. You stop hopping toward the door and you have to hold on to something to not fall over. "I'm going back to my friends. I will crawl back to them if I have to because they actually care about me."

"You think I don't care about you?" Chuck asked with a confused frown as he makes his way towards you. You hold out your hand to tell him not to come any closer.

"I know you don't," You scoff. "If you did, you would have left us alone."

"Y/N," Chuck says seriously as he crossed his arms. It was the kind of look a parent gave their kid before they grounded them."I never toyed with your life. Do you really hate me that much?"

"Let me see," You pretend to think for a moment before speaking."You killed Jack, betrayed us all, and freed all the souls from hell. Take a guess."

"What about all the good moments we shared?"He said, ask though reminding you would convince you to stay. "Like when we went to the beach, or that Supernatural convention, or our first kiss?"

"You mean all those times you lied to my face?" You said trying to give him your best bitch face.

"Be reasonable, Y/N." He ordered. You would have slapped him if you didn't need to hold onto the wall for support. "Would I have ever given you a second glance if I didn't care about you?"

"Fuck you." You said turning towards the door. You missed the regretful look Chuck had at his words. You wouldn't have cared either way if you did see it.

"Y/N, wait." He said as he turned you around. "I'm sorry."

"You said that you've never toyed with my life, but every fucking second I've spent with you is you toying with my life." You snap.

"How?" He said. Did he not realize how messed up he's been to you?

"You made me fall in love you, only for you to go running to Becky when things didn't look so good for you. Then you came back to me and then disappeared for six years. It took a whole year for me to move on! I thought you died! Then you come back and make me fall in love with you again and then you left me again. Now you're back again, but what you did to Jack-" You said stopping before you could say any more.

"Y/N-" He said, Although you weren't finished.

"I wish I never met you." That seemed to get his attention because his expression went blank. After a second it turned dark. You'd be lying if you said it didn't terrify you. That look would probably look terrifying on anybody, but it would be nothing close to how it looked on Chuck. Most of the time you've seen him, he looked calm and happy. Now he not only looked pissed, but deadly as well. He raised his fingers to snap, but he didn't. Instead, He just stared angrily back at you before storming out the door instead.

[cynicallystiles]

All I Wanted: Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Gif originally posted by me.

Author: @cynicallystiles

Prompt: #17 “He’s the opposite of friendly. He’s unfriendly. As in, don’t be friends with him.” @carelesscatastrophe

Warning: The Vampire Diaries spoilers if you haven’t seen seasons 6-8. Cursing.

Notes: Please comment or reblog if you enjoy! I like knowing when you guys want more! 

Pairing: Kai Parker x Reader, Jeremy Gilbert x Reader

Masterlist 

Series Masterlist

Chapter 2

Words: 2,509

If you're reading this, then you've been compelled. Again. One of them told you to forget what you saw and to go home like it never happened. Search your phone for pics or videos you might've taken. Hopefully, they'll fill in the rest of the information.

Love,

You

Damnit. I close my laptop frustratedly. I can't count how many times I've read this email. Each time is usually when I wake up with no memory of how I got into my bed the night before, and no recollection of half of that day. I move to sit on my bed as I scroll through my phone trying to find clues.

I couldn't tell you how I even came up with the idea to start telling myself I was forgetting things. Important things. But, I did. So now when I read that email, I know that something has happened that my so-called friends are covering up again. I've been getting this email from myself for about four years.

I grew up in Mystic Falls so I'd always heard weird things. When I started seeing them for myself is when I started forgetting. I've pieced together that most of my friends are vampires or something supernatural. And that it's the vampires that can compel me to forget what I saw or where I'd been. Huge patches of my memory are still missing, but at least now I know when I'm being lied to.

I haven't set foot in Mystic Falls since I came to college at Whitmore. I haven't seen Jeremy in almost as long. We used to be best friends; sometimes I thought we could even be more. But ever since Bonnie died, he's gone off the rails. Just like with his parents' deaths. I miss my best friend. I miss free will and my memory more.

After scrolling through everything to figure out what I saw that caused the compulsion, I get ready for the day. As I get ready, thoughts roll around in my head about the past few months. Damon and Bonnie died after some weird spell to get rid of these Travelers, I think they were named. Funny thing about that, I've seen Damon on campus several times in the last few weeks talking to Elena or Caroline.

I'm probably not supposed to know that he's alive again. It fucking sucks too. Damon was like a cool older brother to me. I was devastated when they told me he died. I guess they can't tell me that he's alive again because I'm not supposed to know about the supernatural. But, I thought he would at least tell me sooner. He's never lied straight to my face. Sure, he's purposely left out details or he's very careful about how he says things. But, he makes sure that he's never actually lied to me.

That's how I know that it's probably Elena that's compelling me to forget. If it were up to Damon, I don't think he'd care if I knew about him. I wonder if Jer knows that they compel me not to know. It would definitely kill me if he didn't have a problem with my mind being messed with.

Anyway, I grab my bag and a few of my books before I head out the door. I walk across campus watching everyone else laugh and goof around with each other on their ways. Then, this thought clicks in my head. If Damon is alive again, then where is Bonnie? Shouldn't she be alive too? They died together, after all.

The thought is pushed from my head as my shoulder knocks into someone and my books fall to the ground.

"Oh god," I say as I drop to my knees to gather my books without looking at the person. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I just get lost in thought and don't really see where I'm going-" I stop when the person crouches down to pick up one of my books.

I watch as a hand with a few rings, including one on his thumb, attached to a wrist with a cool bracelet picks up my textbook for the class that I have with Alaric. Now that I think about it, how did they explain to me how he came back to life? I can't remember.

"Occult Studies." The man says as he stands up and looks at my book, intrigued.

I finish grabbing my things and stand back up. Swinging my bag around, I stuff the books in there so I don't drop them anymore. "Yeah, I'm actually going to be late if I don't leave now," I explain as I finally look into the eyes of the man who picked up my book.

Beautifully blue eyes look back at me. As I take in the rest of his handsome face, I'm frozen in place. He has a cute angular nose and his top lip is thin, but the bottom is slightly plumper, making them look permanently pouty. They are curled on one side into a smirk. I try to form words but I can't.

"You don't look like the type of girl who's into ghost stories," he says cheekily as he eyes me up and down.

I clear my throat and tear my eyes away from his lips and back to his gaze. "And what type of girl do I look like then?" I ask him with a nervous laugh.

"Well," he says as he extends his hand with the book back to me. As I reach for the book, our hands brush and I feel like something in me is being drawn to him. Or drawn into him? If that makes sense. As it happens, my mind flashes with broken up pictures that I can't make out. One is Damon saying something. Another is Jeremy and someone else. They don't make sense and I can tell they're out of context.

"That's interesting," he says after a moment.

"What's interesting?" I say, a slight headache forming from the visions.

I grip the book in my arms as he looks at me appraisingly. "My first impression of you was wrong. I apologize," he says with a sly tone.

"What changed your mind?" I ask intrigued.

He steps closer and takes one of my hands in his. No flashes this time, no force being drawn to him. "Hmm. I think I'll have to save that answer for the next time I see you. I'm terribly late for a long overdue chat with my sister," he explains, his hand never letting go of mine.

"Oh? And when do you plan on seeing me next?" I ask, suddenly confident to be as flirtatious as I think he's being.

He raises the back of my hand to his lips and softly kisses it. "I'm not sure yet. But, I'll find a way," he smirks his beautiful lips and internally I sigh.

"That's very presumptuous. We don't even know each other's names," I say, fishing for more details on this mysterious man.

He gently lets go of my hand and steps closer yet again. He looks over me, probably almost a foot taller than me. "Well, let's remedy that. I'm Kai. Kai Parker. And your name is?" He asks, his voice low but enticing.

"Y/n. Y/n y/l/n. That's an interesting name you have there. Lemme guess, short for Malachai," I giggle as I look at him intently.

He chuckles in return. "Yeah, actually. It's like my parents wanted me to turn out evil or something," he jokes and I laugh without thinking. His smile widens and he continues, "I'll be seeing you, y/n."

"I hope so," I say without thinking, "I'll definitely remember you, Malachai." He raises an eyebrow mischievously as he walks away. I turn and watch him leave for a few seconds before remembering I have class. I grip my book tight to my chest and grin to myself as I hurry to class so Alaric doesn't scold me.

Later after I'm finished with all of my classes for the day, I decide to try to find Elena. I haven't made any friends here and she's kind of like a sister, despite her compelling me all the time. So, I go to her a lot when I want to talk about my day and such. I check all over campus with no luck. So, I decide to go to the cemetery near Mystic Falls. That's where she went like every day all summer.

Once I pull up to the dirt road, I shut my car off and make my way down the trail to the Salvatore Crypt. As I approach I can see two figures sitting on a bench, deep in conversation.

"Elena?" I call out, wondering who the other person is. As I get closer, I see that it's Damon and I realize I'm probably going to get compelled. I have no time to get to my email to send it before she responds to me as she gets up.

Damon trails behind her as they close the gap. "Y/n, what are you doing out here?" She asks nervously as she glances at Damon.

"Damon?" I say, feigning surprise because he's supposed to be dead to me. "I thought you died in The Grill explosion!" To really sell it, my confusion turns to excitement as I run to him and throw my arms around his torso.

He hugs me back tightly as he picks me off my feet a bit before setting me back down. When he lets go he ruffles my hair. "Well, uh," he turns to Elena. Here it comes.

"He didn't die in that explosion. You were never told that in the first place. All you know is that he went on a trip for the last five months," she speaks clearly and slowly as she stares into my eyes.

I look back at Damon, my dazed look shifting into a bright grin. "Oh my gosh! How was your trip?? Where did you go? Tell me everything," I chatter excitedly as we all sit down on the bench.

"We'll talk about that later, Rugrat," he says with a half smile that doesn't seem convincing.

I frown a bit, curious about his travels this summer. But, I smile again as I turn to Elena, "Well anyway, I came out here because I wanted to tell you about this guy I met today!"

She raises her eyebrows as her interest is peaked. "You came all the way out here to talk about a guy?" She laughs a little as she looks at me.

"Well, yeah. I don't have anyone else to talk to right now because Jer is-" I cut myself off as I look at her worried expression. "I just miss my only best friend and you guys are the next best thing. No offense."

Her expression softens into a smile. "None taken. Tell us about this guy," she instructs me. Damon seems like he's going to protest before she shushes him subtly.

"Okay, so I was on my way to Occult..." I tell them all about how cute he is and how he was definitely flirting with me and how he was weird and mysterious but it was sexy and how funny he was. All the while Elena laughs every time Damon makes gagging gestures but I'm happy I have someone to talk to. "...and then he said he'll be seeing me. I mean he was flirting, right? Or did I misinterpret him being very creepy as flirty."

Damon responds first, "Well, he definitely sounds creepy. I mean you let some stranger kiss your hand? Have I taught you nothing about what creepy guys act like?"

"Well, I think he sounds nice. I mean, maybe he's just old-fashioned in how he flirts," Elena suggests as she elbows Damon playfully. "What did you say his name was?"

"Okay so this is one of the other interesting things," I say excitedly as I turn more towards Elena. "His name is Malachai. Kai for short. Isn't that such an interesting name? I bet it has such a history to it." My beaming grin fades slightly when both of their eyes widen in what looks like fear and shock as they look at each other. "What? What's going on?"

Elena turns to me again. "Listen, y/n. You cannot talk to him ever again. Do you understand?"

"No. Actually, I don't. Why shouldn't I? Give me a valid reason," I demand of her. I can tell that I'm getting close to the secret waters they try to keep me out of.

Damon interjects again, "He's not a good person. Okay? In fact, he is a very, very bad person!" His frustrated tone is telling me I don't know anything about what's really going. on.

"But, he was nothing but friendly to me," I explain, deflated.

Damon rolls his eyes and stands up to pace. Elena lays her hand on my shoulder. "He's the opposite of friendly. He's unfriendly. As in, don't be friends with him," she instructs aggressively.

"But-" I try to argue before Damon picks me up by my shoulders to stand and stares into my eyes.

"Damon, what are you doing?" Elena asks urgently.

He sighs frustratedly. "If she's not gonna listen by herself then I'm gonna make her listen," he declares.

"But, you've never-" she begins.

He interrupts her. "I know. But, this one needs to be strong. And I'm stronger than you," he explains to Elena.

"What's going on?" I ask, frightened. Damon is about to compel me. He's never compelled me before. But, I won't know that he has. My eyes start to water.

He adjusts his grip on my shoulders as he stares into my eyes again. "I would lose my mind if I lost you, Rugrat. That's why I'm doing this," he explains.

"Doing what?" I pretend to not know.

With a determined face, he begins to compel me, "You never met anyone named Malachai Parker. There was no cute, flirtatious guy that wanted to see you again. You went straight to class and straight back to your dorm to study."

"Damon, that's enough," Elena starts.

He holds one hand up to her while retaining eye contact with me. "You listen to this part carefully. If someone by that name ever does talk to you again, you will text or call me immediately. Then, you will get as far away from him as possible. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand," I say flatly as my expression turns blank.

He nods as he lets go of me. "Good. Now go back to your dorm and get some sleep. I'll visit you later this week to catch up," he instructs me sadly.

"Goodnight, Damon," I say robotically as I turn and slowly walk back to my car. Once I get back to my dorm I change and get into my bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm out like a light.

[kylieinwashington]

Monuments & Memorials

OK - I was toooooo tired to finish this last night - so here it is a day late.

Sunday, Nov. 25, 2018

It is almost 11:00 PM and we have been home less than 30 minutes.  We topped 20,000 steps in our quest to see and understand most of the Monuments and Memorials that ring the Mall and/or live close by.

During breakfast this morning the girls - who knows who started it - began singing songs from Hamilton.  It was so cute and went on and on.  Finally we had to began our day so we headed out about 8:45.  We had talked about the amazing gift James Smithson gave to the United States so of course our first outing this AM was to the Smithsonian Castle and James Smithson’s tomb - which looks a lot like a bathtub...

There are currently 17 Smithsonian Museums dedicated to science, history, art and culture and each one more fabulous than the next and free to everyone.  The weather today was glorious.  Sunshine and temps in the high 50 -maybe even the in 60! - had us shedding our coats and enjoying the two meals we shared outdoors today.  (More on our rather crazy outside dinner later!)

From the Smithsonian Castle we walked to the Washington Monument when Charlotte was our teacher.  Prior to our trip, I assigned all the kids the job of learning about a specific monument and being our teacher.  They were all very excited to take the teacher role - and today was the day.  Charlotte was well prepared and excited to present and she carefully positioned us to view the beautiful monument and hear her lecture.

The 555 foot Washington Monument is closed currently -  and indefinitely, according to the sign -  while they try to repair or replace the elevator that has not worked with enough regularity to open it to the public since the 2011 earthquake. It was open 3 years ago when I was here with Colin but closed again shortly after our visit.  Charlotte was a font of information and had our deepest attention.  She was very proud of her “speech” and so were we.

From there we walked to the World War II Memorial.  We prepped the kids with lots of talk of World War II and sent them to speak to one of the many volunteers about several subjects.

They had much work to do in their notebooks and moved around the monuments identifying one feature after another and understanding the symbolism it possessed.

From there we went to Signer’s island, a sweet little island that has the signature of all the 58 signers of the Declaration of Independence.  We talked about the risks these men were taking by signing the document as the action truly was high treason punishable by death.  I asked the kids to make rubbings of several of the signatures and as we did that we talked about who among us would have had the bravery to sign that document.  

The answer was simple - NONE of us.  Yes, if it had been left to the 6 of us, we would still be subjects of England.  Hmmmmm...

A picnic lunch was next and we sat in the magnificent sunshine and ate our lunch we had packed earlier in the day.  Perhaps the most interesting part of lunch were the very friendly Washington DC squirrels.  

Those little suckers KNEW we had food and they saw no reason why we couldn’t just share.  (But we didn’t.)

After lunch and squirrel shooing we headed to the Viet Nam War Memorial.  I CANNOT get through this without tears - no matter how many times I have been there.  We started at the Nurses Memorial statue (which was strewn with long stem roses) and the kids did not disappoint to look, think, reflect and try to understand.  I assured them that however they interpret any sculpture is correct but we pushed them to look deeper and think harder.  They saw the dedication, fear and exhaustion in the eyes of the nurses.  They identified the sandbags but didn’t know why they were there and when we told them they were horrified.  I KNOW these kids got more out of the statue than 99% of all adults who view it.

Next we looked up the names of soldiers on The Wall, one from Ann Arbor, Saline and Boulder, CO and then went to find them.  Moving.  

We talked about the design of the monument and the designer.  But nothing is more impactful that walking that wall and getting deeper and deeper into the list of dead and then actually seeing the name you are searching for - right before your eyes.

We finished this Memorial by visiting the Soldier’s Statues.  Again the kids were very insightful and willing to be pushed pass what you see on the first pass.  I love it.

Next up was The Korean War Memorial.  Here we talked about the United Nations Coalition and the very clever way in which the designer of the monument used the 19 soldiers and the reflective black marble to tell us about the 38th parallel that still divides the Korean Peninsula.  I was born during this hot mess and I am always struck with how long this has continued.  Sadly hate has a long shelf life.  :(

We walked right through the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial because we have big plans for that tonight but I could not miss taking this amazing pic!

Next we walked to the Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial.  I love the way the designer uses water to represent the mood/health of the nation.  I will forever be grateful for all the benefits of the CCC and the WPA.  Brilliant.  We talked about the soup kitchens and the “fireside chats” but mostly we focused on the quotes.  Every single quote holds true today and I wish the leaders of our country would embrace his caring empathic thoughts. 

 I truly enjoyed discussing these quotes with these brilliant young minds and I have hope that maybe their generation can clean up the mess we are are making.  Sigh....

Eleanor Roosevelt was next and we talked about “walking the walk.”  She was the perfect example of this.

Next up was the beautiful Thomas Jefferson Memorial with teacher Kylie.  

She was so excited and did a wonderful job - although she did have us move from the top to the bottom and right back up (our legs were sooooo tired) . The climbing, however was completely relevant and necessary because how else could we see the beautiful and significant frieze on the portico?  Well done!

This ended our major walking tour and all we had to do was jump on the Circulator bus and head to Union Station for dinner and our tour to see the remaining significant monuments.  But we missed the bus by about 3 minutes and had to wait for 27 minutes for the next one.  Then it was the slow roll to Union Station.  Gwynn read that restaurants in Union Station close at 6:00 on Sunday and our tour was a 6:30 and as the bus creeped down the roads the time ticked away.  To make things more stressful the inside lights of the bus stayed on which meant NO ONE could see outside and IF the driver was announcing the stop he was doing it in a tiny whisper - so we had no idea where we were and when we needed to get off.  I kept looking out of the window only to see myself which was NOT helpful.  I  had a map but I needed just ONE POINT OF REFERENCE - (just like the astronauts in Apollo 13!) - and finally Dylan said - Hey there is the Washington Monument!”  Bingo!!!!

We FINALLY arrived at Union Station at 6:01.  The kids are hungry - but not quite HANGRY - but it couldn’t be too far behind.  BUT the food places were open although people were already lining up for our tour we grabbed some food and went outside to wait.  We got food ASAP and headed outside where we ate on something that worked as a table but was NOT a table.

We boarded the bus to this view:

We spent 30 minutes at the MLK Jr Memorial and the kids used every second filling in their books and talking about the amazing quote on the walls surrounding the Memorial.  This makes my heart sing!

We spent an additional 30 minutes at the Lincoln Memorial and believe me that it was NOT enough time.  But what a wonderful time.

Finally, teacher Dylan was up for the Marine Corps Memorial - Iwo Jima.  He was prepared and fabulous.  I was very proud of all of our teachers today - and so were they.

Finally we boarded the Metro and headed “home.”  To say we were tired would be an understatement.

But I can say we had a day filled with education, thoughtful discussion and discovery - and THAT my friends is a day well done.

Stay tuned.

[theoutdoorpursuit]

A Virgin Tip To Alaska

The Last Frontier, a vast wilderness tucked between Mother Russia and our friendly Canadian neighbors up North. It certainly didn’t feel like America, yet they spoke the language and happily accepted all of my American Dollars. To say the 49th state was unique would be a vast understatement, nearly as vast as its endless vistas. I grew up in the Appalachians, hiked the Rockies, yet these were but foothills compared to the monstrous Alaskan peaks. I put my boots on the ground, ate and caught my fair share of halibut, searched for Grizzlies, and soaked in the never ending sunlight. Here are my takeaways from a first-timing Alaskan Tourist:

Float Planes Are A Way of Life

Researching Alaska months prior to my visit, I had every intention of riding a Float Plane through the mountains and landing in one of the endless remote glaciers in Alaska’s wilderness. After an 8 hour flight across country from Atlanta to Anchorage, my desire to leave the earth had left me and it wasn’t because of the lack of access. The hotel we stayed at in Anchorage backed up to the busiest Float Plane lake in Alaska. Non-stop, throughout the day, planes cruised back in and took back off out into Alaska’s unknown. I can only imagine the views and the bumpy ride that entailed on one of these $100 dollar four hour excursions. 

Alaska is a sportsman’s paradise and almost all hunters and brave anglers reach their remote destinations by Float Plane. We learned that on a typical five day hunt, a plane drops off a group and are informed to draw an “X” in the sand if they need an early emergency pickup. A plane would fly by once a day. No phone service. No one else around. It doesn’t get much more primal in today’s world than a backcountry Alaskan hunt by plane.  

The Sun Never Sets

We arrived into Alaska during the first week of June which means one thing, The sun “set” at 11:15 PM and rose at 4:00 AM. But here is the kicker, the sun never truly set. It merely dipped down behind the mountains. It’s always light out in Alaska in June. Our first night in Anchorage we ate dinner at 7:30 PM… 11:30 PM at home. I struggled to keep my eyes open as I nibbled at a halibut burger, while the sun, high in the middle of the sky, taunted me as if to say “We’re just getting started buddy.” One morning, we left for a fishing trip at 3:15 AM and it looked as if the sun had been up for an hour. I’d advise looking into a hotel or cabin that has black out blinds or at least purchase an eye mask because the constant light was quite detrimental to the sleep cycle. I couldn’t help but wonder what the winters were like as they would be the opposite, dark nearly all day long. Talk about intense seasonal depression. I guess the light is better than the dark, but I had never been so excited to see the sun set as the day I returned home and climbed into bed. 

Grizzlies are Tough to Find… Moose are Not

The animal I wanted to see the most… from a distance, the ever elusive Grizzly bear, was not sighted. I saw plenty of black bear, but the majestic beast on every Alaskan postcard was nowhere to be found. I took the bear spray everywhere I went, even on the two mile hike in the backyard of the ski resort, looking like quite the tourist with a camera around my neck and a bear spray canister holstered to my hip. Thankfully, no bear spray was discharged in the making of this trip. 

Now what was surprisingly everywhere was the Alaskan state animal, the Moose. These things are the equivalent to white tail deer on the East Coast. They’re on your hiking trail, in suburban backyards, and terrifyingly close to the roads. The major Alaskan highways are lined with ten foot high fences to deter Moose from coming in contact with a car, which would not be a pretty sight as these beasts can be well over a thousand pounds. We certainly drove with caution as every few hundred yards a Moose crossing sign warned of potential danger. Go for the Grizzly, see a hundred Moose, as they say.

Everything is Far, Hence the Planes

Anchorage, where we stayed the first part of the week, was fairly convenient. It’s a normal, small sized city which has about 300,000 inhabitants, half the population of Alaska. While in Anchorage everything from restaurants to grocery stores was an easy 20 minute drive. Everywhere else in Alaska is a haul. We drove 8 hours total one day from Anchorage to Denali, 2 and a half hours to Kenai, and then a combined 3 hours of driving to our fishing trip in Seward. We put many of miles on the rental car and while normally traveling long distances after you’ve already traveled long distances is devastating, the scenery and roadside wildlife made the road time worth it. It’s no wonder planes are abundant. I saw but a small sliver of the massive state and felt like I drove the distance of my home state of Virginia. If you want to see it all, you’ll have to see it by air.

Pictured Below: While Alaska is vast, one doesn’t have to go far for an adventure. In the heart of downtown Anchorage, anglers can hook on to world class Salmon passing through the states largest city.

It’s Never “Warm” In Alaska

I left the balmy, Southern, 90 degree temps of Virginia, excited for some cooler weather in Alaska, but of course I underpacked on warm clothes. I wore my only sweatshirt every morning. The highs in Alaska during June are in the low 60’s, however the mornings were a chilly 40 something degrees. On our morning drive to our fishing adventure the car’s thermostat read 35 degrees. Nothing says summer vacation like long johns, a winter beanie, long sleeved Under Armour, and a rain jacket over top of a sweatshirt as a desperate attempt to keep in warmth. Again if this is what it was like in the summer, I cringe to even comprehend a cold, dark Alaskan winter. At first thought, conversing with our firstmate who had made the move from Virginia to Alaska, I was jealous, until I remembered this poor sap had to endure the cold for likely 9 months of the year.

Everyone Leaves With A Box of Fish

Enter into the Anchorage Airport and people all around you are hauling their catch in foam coolers. It is a sportsman’s paradise after all. We learned that freezing your catch and checking your cooler as a carry-on for $25 dollars is the most cost efficient method to get your harvest back home. Shipping frozen meat can add up quickly at over $6 a pound. We ended up with close to 40 lbs of halibut and after two days in our cabin freezer it easily made the 10 plus hour journey home in a foam cooler, still mostly frozen when we arrived at our house.

Don’t Drive To Denali Without A Camper And Couple Days to Spare

Mount Denali. “The High One” 20,000 feet of mountain, the tallest in North America. You can’t go to Alaska without seeing Denali right? That was our thought. Four hours there, four hours back. The drive itself may be worth the road time. Following adjacent to the mountains with Denali in the background was a scenic view unlike any other. However when we got there we soon found out that you could only get so far in your own vehicle. Only about 15 miles are available to personal vehicles, the rest of the vast national park has to be seen from a registered camper or tour bus. 

Fun fact: At least a few backcountry backpackers get lost every year in Denali and have to be rescued, searching for the “Magical School Bus” from the popular book and movie Into the Wild. 

“The Magical School Bus” was not in the sights of our day trip so we settled for one of three possible hikes. Albeit limited, the trail we hiked, “The Savage Alpine Trail” was possibly the coolest hike I’ve been on. 1,500 feet of elevation in a four mile hike was a workout, but the views were truly unbelievable. Near the summit we spotted a lone Dall Sheep which paid no attention to us as we climbed within a hundred yards of the rare beast. The hike, accompanied with Caribou and Sheep sighting, made the long day trek worth it, but a return trip to Alaska’s most infamous park will entail a multiple day trip into it’s never ending backcountry.

Everywhere You Look, is A Desktop Background

Since returning home, I’ve had many people ask me to explain what Alaska was like. It’s difficult to put into words how truly breathtaking the country is; you simply have to lay eyes on it. No words, picture, or 4k video would do it justice. From the plane ride into Alaska to driving around Anchorage, the surrounding setting is something unimaginable. The mountains touch the sky, the air tastes pure, its as if your walking around in a National Geographic documentary, constantly. 

I bought a DSLR camera before our vacation, I needed something more than an Iphone to capture this trip. While I got my fair share of solid pics, it became increasingly frustrating throughout the week as every turn on the road provided an image worthy of a Desktop background. You know the picture I’m talking about, pre-loaded on your computer, annoying beautiful to the point you wonder if such a place actually exists. I snapped away and each night I’d fume over which photos to keep. They were all, “Instagrammable.” Bring a camera and several memory cards.

[sweet-rose-of-mine]

Interview with Julianna Sedbrook (the groupie who, allegedly , got pregnant by Axl Rose in ‘87)

In the above picture: Lisa Reed, Adriana Smith and Juliana Sedbrook (GNR’s groupies). 

Exclusively for DailyBetter Group © she tells her days with GN'R, and Axl's son who never was. December 2009 Welcome to the Jungle is perfect introduction to one the greatest RN’R album ever, Appetite For Destruction, and the video introduce us to the classic line up, and with them one the luckiest person who was witness of the birth of GUNS N’ ROSES. Julianna Sedbrook is the girl that in 1987 had the honor to be in which is the first video of the band, video of the Welcome to the Jungle song, because of Steve’s call, which one she used to share not just her house with, but also a great friendship. Today a mother of two beautiful girls, she’s back in city that joined her to the so – called bad boys, California, and ready to be in touch with her past. She shares exclusively on his first and revealing interview the trunk of her most cherished memories. DailyBetter Group© was fortunate to be able to contact her and after several talks, she given one of the strongest interviews that we have done, not only by the importance of Juliana in the beginning of the legend of Guns N 'Roses, but also for the data cast that, for us, were absolutely unknown. A life history and deeply rooted feelings of Axl Rose, has broken the silence after more than 20 years and she has wanted to provide with the highest respect and affection. But by the time this interview was arming, a person posing as Rose and asked that gently unpublished photos she scanned for us and were published without her authorization, making everything work, confidence and effort see damaged. We strongly condemn this act that only serves to prevent persons of this type give better data. We try to tell a story that was never told, the history of a man who barely became one of the most loved and hated in the world of music, and history can only be told by him and those who I have surrounded and loved so much. Exit interview with you from the bottom, a silence broken, a strong affection and loyalty to the greatest character in this story, the story of Guns N 'Roses. DB: How and when did you meet the band? Julianna Sedbrook: I met them at clubs at 1st, then me and my best friend Lisa Abbate moved to LA and we moved across the street from one of GN’Rs hangouts. It was the NY (New York) boys house were Del James and West Arkeen (the co-writer for it’s so easy) and Axl’s side band “Smith&Wesson”) all lived, billy (who designed Axls cross tatoo and the 2nd cover to Appetite) lived there also with Reed, and a couple others, everyone used to get together and play under the name "The Drunk Fux", Slash would play, Duff, sometimes Axl, Del James, Todd Crew (RIP who was in Jet Boy), it was great mostly cover songs, all the girls would get on stage and dance and sing back up vocals. A lot of parties were held there, I have some funny photos from there! Steven was homeless, so we asked him if he wanted to move in a spare “washroom” we had it was big enough for his bed and TV had a private entrance and rent was only $100.00 a month, he moved in right away! Then I met Adriana, they were dating and all the band and friends of theirs were always there, we used to have their “band meetings” there as well. DB: How did you do to be the girl in WTTJ Video? Did it influence or made any difference in your personal life? JS: I was actually sick at the time and got a phone call from Steven saying, Axl didn’t like the girls Geffen had sent down to do the video and he wanted me to do it, so sick, I went down “for the band” lol and we filmed ALL night. After the video was done, Axl came back to my house and spent the night, it was our 1st time together and it was amazing. It has made a difference in my life in many ways, just being seen on tv is strange for me, I remember when they had their 1st tour to England, me and Lisa went too- I saw the welcome video on TV at the hotel, it was surreal! Then at the show, people wanted my autograph, it was a lot of fun, I had some great pics Robert John took of me and Axl before a The Cult show, I would love to get copies of, they were really nice just of me and him. The video connects me to them forever and he used it again in the “Patience” video, Axl’s sitting on the couch, looking like he’s thinking back on his life and he’s watching the “Welcome” video with the parts of me in it, it’s sweet. DB: What can you tell us about the recording of Appetite For Destruction and the recording of the WTTJ video? JS: I know it took awhile, Axl had about 4 different producers, he’s a perfectionist and wanted it just right, he sure did it too- that album is one of the best ever! I remember how excited Steven was, I have a picture of him and Ronnie the roadman in his “room” in our house holding the Original cover album in his hand, finally it was out and the rest was history! They just blew up world wide! The video was just like making any video although I can say that the scene where Axl is in the electric chair with the metal band around his head, he was shaking around so violently he cut up his forehead. DB: You have the luck to be in some tours, in shows, etc, How was the band backstage? Any story or tale that you remember? JS: Well the early shows were always fun, they were soooo crazy. But I think my favorite was when they went on tour w/ the cult we all went to the LA show, and I spent the night in Axls room with him, Adriana Smith called up and wanted to sleep with us, she seemed to be there in a lot of my sexual experiences hahahaha, not a part of it, just there : ) then the next night they played in San Diego and we drove down there and when we got there he said to me “you’re a sight for sore eyes” he gave me a rose ”which I still have“ and after the show, grabbed me by the hand and led me to the bus so we could have some “private time “. It was a sweet couple days. DB: What kind of relationship did you have with the members of the band or If you had one in particular with one of them? Any memory with each of them that can you share? JS: I had a great friendship with Steven, he’s such a sweet person with such a good heart!, his addiction started getting bad while he was living with me, it was sad, but it was nothing compared to how bad it ended up. Slash used to come over to mine and Adriana Smiths house when we lived together; we had some fun times there. Mostly, it was always Axl, my favorite time, and it was the last time I saw him. We met up at the coconut teazer I think ?? but drove back to his place in his “favorite” black BMW, we spent about 3 days together, just doing normal things ,watching movies, eating frozen pizzas, he would go to interviews I went to work, I was dancing then too, and would go back over to his house after work. We had a BEAUTIFUL time together. He was so romantic and gentle with me, he would wash me with a warm wash cloth, etc. just the really amazing Axl that I love. He played piano which will bring tears to your eyes and chills to your arms, it’s so pretty! He ended up having a depressive episode and I told him I would always love him (he had locked himself in the bathroom) and always be there for him no matter what and I left….. sad ending to one of my best memories, besides having my kids : ) but my love when I love someone is unconditional and it never ends… I miss him so much and it would mean so much to me to be able to be in contact with him or have him in my life, now that I’m back in LA, Cali again. DB: Why and when did you get away from the band? JS: Well I never have EVER revealed this to anyone before! After the 3 days me and Axl spent together, I turned up pregnant, I had a miscarriage as I was partying like a mad women, we all were, but it killed me losing our baby (he doesn’t even know this!) I know Axl has always wanted kids and the women he has dated that had them, he has always gotten very close to. I started dating another talented musician named Giovanni and we moved into together, I was still dancing, and I got pregnant with my GORGEOUS daughter Angelina, and dropped out of the “LA” scene. That’s what made it so hard for Marc Canter to find me for his book, or anyone else I was close to as well. I went through some serious downs in my life and have in the past 9 years made it great again, I have had another baby girl who is now 2 her name is Lilianna, and is Amazing and so beautiful! She’s made my life worth living when at times I thought it wasn’t worth it anymore. DB: When you found out about your pregnancy, did you try to contac Axl? JS: No, I told no-one, it broke my heart, even though I don’t think having a child with him at that time would have been good for either of us, I was devastated as I loved him so much but I never told anyone, until now, i figure enough time has passed, I have healed emotionally enough to make it public, and I am curious to know how he would feel about it, but I may never get an answer to that. I never told him, because I lost it before I had a chance to, so I never really got a chance to make a choice if I/we wanted to keep it, so I never said anything. DB: Are you still in touch with any of them? When and how was the last time did you see one of them? JS: Yes I’m in contact with Steven, and so happy to be talking with him again and know his life is on track and he’s happy has a great wife. He deserves the best!. I haven’t talked with the rest of them in a very long time and just in the past year started putting myself back out there to be able to be found and would love to get back in contact with them. DB: How was you relationship with Axl? Any fun, crazy or amazing memory that you still remember of him or private time that want to share? JS: As I said my relationship with Axl was special, amazing and strange all at the same time, fun, crazy, and sweet. I previously told my favorite story of him and me together, of all I miss him the most because what we shared in private was something special between just him and me. I also miss Steven, we had a great friendship, he’s so funny. DB: In the times that you spent with Axl, how was he at personal level with family and friends? JS: Very different then with the public, he was different with different people though, I have heard he threw girls out of his house naked and told them basically to F__K off.. but I never experienced that side of him, I have seen him cause a lot of throwing bottles etc. in clubs but he was crazy at times. He had a lot of issues with his family I really don’t want to get into though it is his personal deamons. DB: Did you meet Erin Everly? Do you remember how was the relationship between Axl and Erin? JS: Yes I met Erin several times, she didn’t like me for obvious reasons, I always thought she was his (Axl) true love, but they had a STRANGE relationship and volatile as well. Yet very loving too, they had many physical fights etc, but she was a lot younger than him (so was I), but I do know they loved each other. DB: What can you tell us about this triangles? Adriana, Steve and Axl? JS: The making of rocket queen with Adrianas background part did cause a lot of waves for all 3 of them. Adriana is a free spirit and did and I’m sure still does do what she wants at the moment, and lives for today, as I do now myself!! Barbi however gets very little credit for the song and it was written for her, Adrianna just did “backups” but it has given her a huge amount of attention. She is a sweetheart and we had some really great times together and I always wish her the best too! It is a great song and the end lyrics are so sweet. DB: Did you meet those people? And if you did what can you tell us about them? Vicky Hamilton I don’t recall meeting her, but of course heard a lot about her, I got my copy of the video and album from Geffen, I’m not sure if it was her personally, but she helped them get off the ground! Paul Tobias I never met that I re-call. It was a long time ago.LOL The girl in Axl’s tattoo The girl in Axl’s tattoo I have heard many stories around that and the one thing I do know, it’s a beautiful song!!!!! DB: Tell us about you, your life, your dauther and your family! How are you today? How has been your life since then? JS: Both my daughters are great my oldest Angelina is in college with a 4.0 average : ) I’m a proud mama .. my littlest Lilianna is amazing she’s ½ Dominican so at 2 she speaks both English and Spanish. And she’s so beautiful, both are!, my life is good now, I love animals, we have 2 dogs and a cat which is a small amount, I usually have a Zoo hahahaha.. They are my family, I don’t have contact with my other family, I have a brother in Seattle, who’s very kool! And my biological father died when I was 12 years old. DB: What did it make you come back to LA, California? JS: I came back to LA, Cali from NY because I grew up here and have family here, a better place to raise my baby DB: What do you feel when you see the video these days? What memories come up to your head? JS: So many, sometimes I cry, others I smile and laugh, I miss those days, but you can’t live in the past, you have to live for the day! So I try to do that and know I have had a life many would have loved to have had! DB: Looking back how do you remember those years? JS: The best in my life! They really were, I had more fun then, than anytime I can remember. DB: What do you think about CHINESE DEMOCRACY and Guns N’ Roses nowdays? JS:It’s very different then the old GN’R but I think Axl has what he wants – it his way, I actually haven’t even listened to to CD yet, I will but I’m just happy all of them continue to do what they love and what they are so good at~ making GREAT Rock n Roll!!!! Thank you so much for hearing my input in the making of GN’Rs beginning; there are so many people who were there. I feel privileged to have been apart of it. Thanks again and much love to all the members of GN’R… I love you always~ Julie “The Welcome To The Jungle Girl” Thanks Julie, DailyBetter Group © sends you our warmest greetings and we really appreciate your confidence and choice of providing this great interview, We're sorry about the pictures. Thanks to you we know a little more about the history of Guns N 'Roses, we hopefully that Axl give you a chance to see he someday. We communicate to Rose this interview and data have been provided with the deepest respect that we have him for the sole purpose of being able to help put together a nice history with a happy ending. Management: María Angélica Torre Alba-Staff DailyBetter Project © Preparation, translation and adaptation: Matias DailyBetter Group © Natalia Salaberry-DailyBetter Group © María Angélica Torrealba-Staff DailyBetter Project © DailyBetter Group © DailyBetter Project © You Are Fan, You are Daily! Source: www.dailybetter.com.ar Legal: All rights reserved to DailyBetter Group © and DailyBetter Project ©. DailyBetter Group © prohibit the reproduction in whole or part of this interview without appropriations credits that appear at the bottom of this note and the relevant link. Juliana Sedbrook only authorizes at DailyBetter Group © the publication of the photographs contained in this note with the credits previously agreed. Note and photos based in intellectual property rights and for the deposit required by law. Declarations: Juliana Sedbrook and DailyBetter Group © declare that the interview has been quite agreed in their structure and wording to avoid misinterpretation. Juliana Sedbrook states that the only persons authorized to publish the photographs in this interview is DailyBetter group©, also declares that it's under rights and intellectual property rights of DailyBetter Project ©

[a-stray-black-cat]

((First, lemme just say...I’m only uploading this because my best friend wanted me to- shhh, we’re kinda playing a game of hide and seek and she’s trying to find this account of mine, don’t tell her you saw me ;3 x’DDDD Ialsofoundoutthatshe’sshippingthese twowhich...I...Idon’tknowhowtofeelaboutthat...honestlymakesmelaughabit x’DDD  Second, yes, the little story attached is about Christmas...I rarely get ideas for Christmas stories in December. Its always in like November or even the start of January. I do have one other Christmas-y type story Id like to write if I can find the time but we’ll see what happens. Im not the greatest writer but....I hope you guys like it ^^;;;; I got the idea when I was just screwing around, doodling whatever and I drew this and yeah....ideas for some reason xDD I might actually make a full, proper pic of this scene rather than just having sketchy chibi thingies.......maybe....we’ll see x//DD Also small bit of info just cause I feel I do need to put this here; after Infinite has completely healed after the final fight, Gadget ends up becoming too concerned for Valkyrie’s wellbeing- and everyone else’s wellbeing for that matter- since he doesn’t trust Infinite at all after all the crimes he’s committed so rather than just watching them through surveillance camera’s, he decides to move in with them which....well.....results in a lot of fighting between the two ^^;;; Though don’t get me wrong, I still absolutely love these two as a shipping, it’s just not a thing in this AU because I don’t think Gadget would be able to forgive Infinite for you know....everything that happens in Forces. Anyway! I think I’ve rambled enough...soo...yeah....hope you guys....enjoy the story....if not, I’m really sorry, I tried, I just had this idea and really wanted to write it down and just ahhhh x////DDD)) “Infinite!” Valkyrie gasped as the refurbished front door slammed violently against the wall to his left, causing the photo frames and windows to tremble and quake as she watched the fading, fleeting figure of the black jackal as he raced as far after from the small cottage as he could, ripping through the bushes and brambles with his razor sharp claws as he fled. Did he know where he was going? Of course not. But at this current point of time, anywhere was better than being inside that house that almost made him feel like the walls were caving in on him. Turning on her heel, the black cat ran for the rusted umbrella basket, grabbing the only umbrella they possessed- cobalt blue with golden rings- just in case while looking over at the crimson wolf who stood in the kitchen doorway, showing no signs of going after the jackal himself or even any signs of worry or concern for him. Not that she had been expecting much of a reaction from him. “I’m going after him,” Valkyrie announced, turning and speed walking for the door. “I know,” Gadget responded knowingly as he quickly followed the cat, grabbing her by the arm before she could run off. As she turned her golden orbs up to meet his own hazel ones, his voice turned more serious. “If you aren’t back here in five minutes, I’m coming after you.” Her ears fell back as her gaze briefly fluttered over the large red Wispon that sat beside the umbrella basket, its shiny, bright red metal almost sending shivers down her spine as images of what events would occur next if they weren’t back in time flashed through her mind. Taking a deep breath, she steadied her gaze, staring directly into the wolf’s eyes. “There’ll be no need for that,” she assured him as she freed her arm from his grasp turning and giving chase, making sure to close the door behind her with a gentle click. The sky above that had hours earlier been clear as crystal, was now shrouded in dark, menacing clouds that seemed like gigantic black sheep slowly floating across the sky, biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment. The many birds and woodland creatures that all day they’d been able to hear chattering and singing away had since vanished, causing an almost eerie silence to fall over the entire forested area. In all honesty, the day had gone from looking bright and full of life to almost as though the apocalypse was right around the corner yet again. However, the scenery nor the silence seemed to get to the black jackal as he stormed on, his fast sprint slowing into a light jog and eventually an angered stomp as he entered a rather open, empty field, the blades of emerald grass being long enough to lightly tickle his knees. Giving a heavy sigh, he dropped himself down onto the ground, bringing his knees up to his chest as he sat in absolute silence, gathering his thoughts and finally taking the time to properly think about today’s events with a clear, mostly calm mind. His housemates, the black cat who’d been with him for almost a year now and the crimson wolf he was certain was more than likely planning fifty ways to kill him in his sleep- not that he could even if he tried- were plotting together behind his back to try and put together a massive Christmas celebration, and he was just expected to be happy and jolly about it? To come skipping down the stairs like some sort of overjoyed school girl, singing one of those many repulsive Christmas jingles he knew was going to get stuck in his head for months to come? To put on one of those ridiculous looking Santa hats or reindeer antlers and group up for a “wacky, fun” Christmas photo? Chaos, no. Not over his dead body. They could keep all that “holiday cheer”, as one might call it to themselves thank you very much; Infinite did not want a single part of it. Christmas had never been a good time of year for the jackal, not even during his younger years. Thinking about this time of year, about the upcoming celebrations, about all the laughter and joy that was suppose to be had…it seemed to make the canine’s heart weight heavy in his chest.  Though there were a handful of times after he’d become the Leader of the Jackal Squad that Christmas wasn’t too terrible.  The first few Christmas’s they’d spent together hadn’t been anything really noteworthy but the previous year’s Christmas…now that had been something to remember. Placing one of his clawed hands over his scarred chest, he let his eyes slowly close as he allowed the memory to overtake his mind for a few minutes, allowing himself to relish in these precious memories of times now long gone. Behind his eyelids, an image began to bloom into vision; the very first thing he could see was a small campfire, sparking and burning fiercely in the darkness with a long, thin stick cradled over the top, held in place by two forked sticks to make a sort of mini spit roast for the rather large ham they’d managed to get their claws on. The fire began to light up the small area slightly, revealing a few shadowy, blurry shapes as they began to twist and form… And eventually solidify into several different, varying people- no, not just people. They were jackals. Jackals that had once belonged to his Squad. The Squad that had been like a second family to him. The ones he’d loved as though they truly were his biological siblings. The one’s he’d promised to protect, no matter what….and the one’s he’d failed that cold, dark night. Before he could be consumed by these other thoughts, voices began to reach his ears, dragging him back into more blissful, peaceful and heart warming ones. He could hear each member of his Squad as they began to materialize gathered around the fire on each of his sides. He could hear them joking, teasing one another, laughing….each voice was so different and yet he could identify each one perfectly, even though most of the time, they were overlapping and yelling over one another in their excitement and happiness. He watched quite proudly as each jackal ate their fill, being quite ecstatic to see them all properly fed for once.  It was so hard for them to come by a decent meal on a regular basis after all. At the end of the day, they may not have gathered a lot of food for a massive, mouthwatering feast that would take them weeks to finish. Nor did they have a fancy plastic tree decorated with jingling bells or bright, shiny balls. There wasn’t a single present for any of them to open and yet they were just all thrilled to be together on this special day, relishing in each other’s company. The greatest gift they had on this day was each other. However it appeared as though Mother Nature did have one gift for them, which came in the form of a single snowflake which cascaded down, lightly landing ontop of the Christmas ham that hung over the blazing campfire. Snow. It had been what everyone had been looking forward to the most. And just seeing that single snowflake sent all of the jackals into an extremely enthusiastic, almost bouncy, energetic mood. Infinite felt the corners of his mouth twitch slightly as he savoured these memories dearly, as though it would be the last time he’d ever see them. He felt his lips twitch once more as his mouth slowly began to curl up to form a-- “Infinite?” Suddenly, the jackal jolted to life as he practically sprung to his feet, spinning around and facing whoever was behind him while opening his multicolored orbs as his heart raced madly in his chest as he took up an offensive position, preparing to attack however dared tried to sneak up on him. He couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of irritation as he met the worried, slightly fearful golden eyes of Valkyrie as she stood a few feet behind him, a hideous cobalt umbrella spread out above her head as she took two quick steps back in surprise. He let his eyes narrow slightly as he felt his body slowly relaxing as the scent of her slight fear reached his nose while he ran a hand quickly through his long white dreadlocks mere seconds before a light breeze blew past, ruffling them up again. “Oh…it’s you.” He grumbled in annoyance as he returned to his sitting spot, seeming to be about to pretend like the cat wasn’t there or that the blades of grass that were tickling his legs- and were also making him quite itchy- were the most interesting things to ever exist. Swallowing hard once she felt her heart rate slowly returning to normal as her friend took his spot back, Valkyrie managed to put a weak smile on her face as she tried to add a joking tone to her voice that just didn’t quite seem to stick. “Well someone had to chase after you and we all know it Gadget wouldn’t take the role.” “For good reason.” The jackal coldly responded, pulling up a few blades of grass and twirling them between his index and middle fingers as his gaze rose up towards the dark sky above. Valkyrie felt her tail beginning to wag out of nervousness as her ears drooped back, speechless as to how to respond to such an upfront response. So instead, she decided to get right to the point. “Infinite….do…you not celebrate Christmas?” She inquired, twirling the umbrella in her hands slightly. The silence that followed her question seemed to stretch on for what felt like years before finally, he responded. “I think it’s a pointless holiday. It’s nothing but a massive waste of time and money. If you and that fool are still going to celebrate, then I shall hibernate in my room until you are done.” Valkyrie felt a sharp pang of pain in her heart as she took a small step forward, a certain sadness yet confidence to her voice. “But we’re setting all of this up for you…” Infinite’s ear gave a small flick in response yet underneath his cold, distant exterior, he was quite surprised to hear these words. Yet his voice refused to give away his astonishment.“What?” “I thought it would be nice,” the cat continued to explain as her gaze drifted down, lingering on her dark boots. “I thought it would make you smile…I didn’t fully understand the concept of Christmas since I’ve never celebrated it myself so I had to get Gadget to help me.” A rather nervous smile briefly flickered onto her lips. “You can imagine how hard it was for me to convince him to help …” She rose her gaze, looking at the white splotch of fur on the jackal’s back as she continued. “But I managed to do it and together, we’ve spent the entire day decorating the house, finding a tree on such short notice and even cooking Christmas dinner together just to make everything as perfect as possible….if you’re not there, then we’re missing the entire reason why we’ve done this.” Infinite shook his head briskly. “You two can still celebrate together. I don’t need to be there; you just want me to be there.” “I do. Because it wouldn’t be Christmas if you’re not there to celebrate with us. You’re suppose to celebrate Christmas with your close friends and family…and well…” Slowly, the black cat came to stand beside the jackal, looking down at him with a bright, warm smile on her face. “You’re my best friend, Infinite. You’re basically like family to me at this point and I’d love to spend my first real Christmas with you.” Now that confession shocked the jackal more so than her first one. Closing his eyes tightly, he turned his head away from her, his bushy tail giving a few soft wags- possibly from happiness or more probably from nervousness- as he ignored the cat, her words still ringing loudly in his ears. He hadn’t heard someone refer to him as being like family since…. “Hey look! It’s snowing!” The jackal slowly opened one of his eyes, gazing up just in time to see the first few falling snowflakes of the season. To his side, Valkyrie seemed about ready to burst with happiness at the sight of the falling white flakes as a wide smile quickly spread across her muzzle, her eyes seeming to almost sparkle at the sight before them. “It’s so pretty…” “You make it sound as though you’ve never seen snow before,” the jackal inquired in an ever so slightly curious way, while at the same time, still managing to make it seem like he truly didn’t care about her answer. “I haven’t. Well…not until now….” The cat’s smile rapidly began to grow as she looked down at her close friend, her tail wagging rapidly in excitement. “Now it really is going to be the greatest Christmas ever! Come on Infinite, you have to come back and join in with us!” Infinite was still on the fence about this whole Christmas thing; a part of him truly wanted nothing to do with this holiday. He wanted to just go home, go to his room and barricade himself inside for the rest of the day. He didn’t want anything to do with this holiday that seemed to only make his heart grow heavy with emotions he’d thought he had long since become numb to. Yet another part of him didn’t want the cat’s efforts to go to waste. She was, after all, doing all of this for him. She’d even somehow managed to convince that kid to help out- something he knows must have taken her half to morning to achieve- and even gathered together a Christmas tree and most of what was needed for a Christmas feast- most but not all. It looked like they were missing a fairly big chunk of the food required but they did manage to get their hands on a ham so that was to be applauded, he supposed. The jackal let his shoulders sag as a heavy sigh escaped him. Then, he rose to his feet as snow continued to lightly fall around them, beginning to lightly dust the emerald landscape in a gentle shade of white. “Fine….but if this just ends up wasting my time, you’re both going to hear about it for the rest of the year….” At those words, the cat’s excitement and happiness seemed to explode as a rather high pitched meow unintentionally escaped her, followed by rather loud purring escaping her. “Thank you so much! I promise, you won’t regret it!” “Yeah, yeah,” he muttered as he turned, following the cat back to their small little home, tucked away from civilization, watching her from several feet behind as she was practically skipping home. The jackal almost felt his lips curling up once more; perhaps this Christmas wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

[hangonimevolving]

The Happiest Place on Earth, and New Year 2020 Adventures

Dear readers - I have a really convoluted update for you all today, but (I think) it has a happy ending!

First of all. HAPPY NEW YEAR 2020! Hope the new year brings us all peace, fulfillment, and most of all.... GOOD HEALTH.

The family and I kicked off the holiday season in a veritable flurry of activity. The kids celebrated their school holiday show with great fanfare...

And then I had a personal high, as I completed my second-ever Jingle Bell Jog 5K race successfully!

This was the first event of my race series and fundraiser for the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research. so I was extra happy at having ticked this item off my to-do list.

That same day, just hours after I crossed the finish line, Dr. Spouse, the kids and I packed up the car and headed north to the Orlando area, for a 6 day vacation. The week was planned to include a four-day stint visiting the parks at Walt Disney World along with my parents, who would be flying directly from New Orleans to join us.

We had a blast on this trip! After a few rough months, it was so much fun to make new memories with Ajima and Thatha, especially since taking the grandkids to Disney has long been an item on Thatha’s bucket list. We were delighted to help him work on this one!

The trip was *almost* perfect. Almost. There was just one hiccup.... and fortunately/unfortunately, it mainly involved me.

I woke up on the final day of our Disney parks adventures - Thursday, December 26 - ready to tackle Epcot, which is my favorite of the four parks. But the minute my eyes popped open, I just knew something wasn’t 100% right with me. I felt like I’d been hit by a BUS. I had horrible body ache all over, my head was pounding, and my chest felt heavy, as if someone had poured a gallon of wallpaper paste into my lungs. I groaned to myself, knowing what this meant - I was probably coming down with a cold - but I still forced myself up and to get ready, since it was our last day of the trip and there was no way I was missing it!

By the time we loaded into the car and headed out, the leaky faucet nose had started.  I definitely sneezed a LOTTTTTTT through the entire day - huge, rib-cracking sneezes, that had my entire rib cage and back hurting well before lunchtime and through the evening. But I pressed forward, tried not to make a big deal. As I had been throughout the trip, I was even more militant in insisting the family use hand sanitizer and antibacterial hand wipes all day long than I already had been (which was a lot). But yeah, it was a very long and difficult day.

I put myself to bed in isolation that night - I didn’t want anyone else catching my germs!  The good side of my isolation is, I didn’t disturb anyone else’s sleep that night, and I managed to abstain from infecting anyone. One down side is, I suppose it meant that no one in the house saw how sick I actually was, and by the transitive property, perhaps even I didn't register how sick I was. That night, I ran a very high fever, yet was having teeth-chattering chills for hours. I couldn’t breathe through my nose, and coughed nonstop. I got awful, fitful sleep, with weird, violent, vivid dreams all night.

The next day, I started suspecting that maybe I didn’t just have a cold - maybe it was the flu?  We tried to locate an urgent care clinic where I could get a rapid flu test, but it proved hard to find anywhere with a <6 hour wait, and I was absolutely determined not to get anyone else sick (least of all my post-CABG father or my two young kids).  So I insisted Dr. Spouse just call in a Tamiflu prescription for the entire household - it would be therapeutic for me, and prophylactic for all of them. He dutifully obliged, and we were all on Tamiflu by 2:30 pm Friday. We said goodbye to my parents this evening - they flew out of Orlando directly to New Orleans - and Dr. Spouse, the kids and I would drive back to Miami the next day.

That night’s sleep was worse than the previous, and featured the worst fever sweats I’ve ever had in my life, soaking through all my clothes, all the bedsheets, down to the mattress cover. It seriously looked like someone had dumped the Gatorade bucket on me after winning the Super Bowl. And again, I had violent, bloody dreams of war imagery all night....

The next day was every bit as painful as the last, and perhaps more so - my entire head and chest were clogged with sludge, the body ache was debilitating, and worst was that I felt like I couldn’t really think straight or make good decisions.  In a nutshell, we weren’t packed up at all, and I woke up from fitful sleep about 9:30 that day and to my horror realized we had to check out of the rental cottage by 11 - - I was trying to run around and pack, but my body and brain were literally not working properly together.  It was brutal - and we were definitely an hour late vacating the property.  I ended up falling asleep within minutes as we started our drive home, and slept 3.5 hours of the 4 hour drive, which SHOCKED me and Dr. Spouse - I never sleep on road trips!  Should have known this was a bad sign that something was really wrong.

Sunday and Monday, things started looking up. I still had terrible sinus congestion, but the cough and fevers were improving, and my energy level was slowly returning! Hurray! Time to get back to normal..... except, weirdly, some new weird symptoms popped up. I was blowing my nose a LOT, admittedly - but I developed a nosebleed sometime early Monday morning, and it just... didn’t stop. For well over 24 hours. Then I noticed a few weird red spots on my face and neck - I assumed maybe I’d scratched in my sleep when I was sweaty at night? But by Tuesday, there were more red spots in more places. Everywhere. On my back, stomach, chest, arms, legs, feet... my sinus symptoms were better, but these spots were weird.  It hit a head on Tuesday morning when Dr. Spouse and I sat down to breakfast. I definitely had more spots than I’d had an hour before. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and began to eat, but then I noticed my mouth felt funny. I realized, to my horror (sorry, TMI) - I had big spots in my mouth too, and they looked like these blood-filled blisters all over the insides of my cheeks and the back of my throat. They looked like dark purple jellybeans, stuck everywhere on my oral mucosa - and some of them were doubling and tripling in size before my very eyes. One burst, right there at the table, and suddenly a trickle of blood oozed our the corner of my mouth. Dracula Mommy, yikes - Dey was at once amazed and horrified. And all the while, my nose was still bleeding.

Dr. Spouse looked grave and got panicky. He had three patients to see in clinic, but he wanted me to get medical attention ASAP.  I initially felt like maybe this was a bit of an overreaction, I didn’t think it warranted an ER trip, and I was feeling rather sheepish to bother a lot of people, and bewildered at the childcare logistics - especially considering it was New Year’s Eve.  Besides, my sinus congestion and energy level were feeling better - so how sick could I really be?  

Well, turns out I was wrong. It turns out there was actually something seriously wrong with me.

Blood tests revealed I had developed a very serious condition called thrombocytopenia. This is a condition where a person’s blood platelets levels drop dangerously low, making it difficult or impossible for them to clot. It makes any sort of wound or injury or weakness in any vessel or the body a potential site for deadly hemhorrage. In my case, it happened to be very severe. The normal lab ranges for blood platelets are between 150,000-400,000. At my ER admission, my labs came in at 1,000, with a little downward arrow next to them! It was a dire situation - basically, I could have hemhorraged from anywhere, from my head to my toes, from my brain to my entire GI tract.  I could have died.

Very quickly after the issue was diagnosed, I was administered a transfusion of IV steroids, followed by two units of donor platelets.

After the platelets, I had to receive something called IVIG, or IV immunoglobulins. I believe these are to boost my immune system and help it stop accidentally nuking itself in the course of fighting the flu virus, or whatever pathogen started me down this insane road. The IVIG infusion, as it would turn out, would take like HOURS - maybe 8 hours total - and it was determined that I’d have to be admitted to the hospital (to the ICU, no less!) for a whopping FOUR DAYS, to receive further IVIG treatments until my platelet levels came back to an acceptable range. I was FLOORED and overwhelmed at this news, of course - again is really thought perhaps Dr. Spouse was being overly cautious initially. But I soon realized the gravity of the situation and promised to comply with all the healthcare professionals’ advice.

Although I cringed to do it, knowing a) what they’ve gone through recently, and b) the fact that we’d JUST spent the week with them in Orlando and sent them peacefully home, I found myself with no choice but to phone Ajima and Thatha from the ER and explain what was going on. True to form, they mobilized within minutes, and had plane tickets booked in no time. They arrived right around midnight on New Years Eve to relieve our wonderful friend/former Nanny S, who graciously pinch-hit and babysat the kids at home so Dr. Spouse could come be with me. I’d been in the ER from about 1 pm till maybe 5:30 or 6 pm, and eventually been transferred to an intermediary ICU room, where I’d spend the next 4 days.

Do you see my purple spots??  Hard to visualize in these pics, but they’re there.

I spent the next 4 days mostly in bed - I wasn’t permitted to walk around unattended, use the bathroom on my own, shower without supervision, etc. because even though I felt fine and am ordinarily physically able, I was considered a bleed risk if I accidentally stumbled or took a fall.  So in bed I stayed.  And for about 10-12 hours each day, I received IV infusions through both arms of steroids and IVIG.  It was a surreal experience, but also an incredibly fortuitous one, in that I didn’t really feel all that sick!  Dr. Spouse would come visit me for a few hours each afternoon through the nights, and my parents would bring the kids for about an hour each evening.  I had a wonderful crew of nurses who looked after me, talked with me, made sure I was comfortable and well-fed.  And my medical team was also very good, especially my hematologist, who was careful, methodical, and very even-keel about everything, explaining what had likely happened to me, what the next steps were, and what I should look out for in the future. 

I have A LOT more to say about this experience, especially all that has now happened afterwards, and all the follow-up care I must now receive.  It is going to be a journey for awhile longer.  But for now, a few thoughts in closing out this post....

It’s weird. Obviously, I wish NONE of this had happened - but I also felt so incredibly lucky.  Because: 

1). I’m so glad my post-heart surgery dad, senior citizen mom, and young kids didn’t get this virus, and that it was only me.  I’m also glad Dr. Spouse, our primary breadwinner, care provider for hundreds of people, and our beloved daddice of our family didn’t get it.  

2). If this absolutely had to happen to me, I consider myself lucky that in recent years, I’ve put my fitness first, and especially these last few weeks, I’ve been training for a race series, which means I’ve been eating right, training rigorously, attending to my cardiovascular health as well as my lean muscle composition, taking lots of multivitamins, and even pursuing yoga for restorative, rehabilitative, and emotional/mental health.  Basically, I was AS HEALTHY as I could have been going into this, and I think that saved my life.  I didn’t have a fatal vascular weakness that gave way to hemorrhage, because I’ve had the blessing of the opportunity to take good care of myself.

3). I have an ANGEL on my side.  My uncle Marley was definitely looking out for me.  Aside from being a huge source of love and support - it so happens that Marley suffered for many years from a platelet disorder which was constantly being managed.  He was of course the first person who came to mind when I got diagnosed with this issue - - and I swear he was looking out for me. I even have evidence to that effect.  Will share in a followup post.

4). Last but not least - - this one is overwhelming and wonderful.  

I met my husband when we were about 18 years old.  I had no idea at the time what the future held for us - but this person has evolved into many things, including a WONDERFUL, sensitive, intelligent, and proactive physician. He is REALLY, REALLY good at what he does for a living - and I think that’s because he would do it even if he didn't make a living doing it.  He LOVES his particular field of medicine.  And it so happens that he is a stroke neurologist, who sees patients with brain bleeds and emergency events related to bleeding/clotting every single day.  So it was my incredible fortune that the man I’m married to, saw what was happening with me, wasted ZERO time, and insisted I get care. 

My husband saved my life.  He is my hero.

Alright.  I think I’ll end this one here.  In upcoming posts, I’ll be discussing several things, including:

- the aftermath of my great Flu Adventure - the types of follow-up care and remaining question marks about my health (and hopefully I’ll be getting some reassuring data to share here!)

- an update about my Race Series!  Obviously (and heartbreakingly) I’m going to have to rejigger some things here.  I am working on my emotions with this.  But I’ll share it all with you.

In conclusion - -  I want to wish you all a happy new year.  May it be a year of good health and fortune for everyone!  Big hugs and big love  :)

[machinehead]

MORE CORNELL

Below is a collection of the most interesting replies to my General Journal inbox and our Facebook page. There are many, many, many more great/fantastic replies in the FB thread here: https://www.facebook.com/MachineHead/posts/10154745571783823 But these are the ones that hit me the hardest for whatever reason. Reading everyone's replies made me realize that it’s been a very difficult thing to process for many of us.  I appreciate the well wishes from everyone.  Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.  Yes, it triggered something dark inside me, something closer to the surface than I realized.  Writing/talking helped me process it. Talking about it on our group-text helped a lot, talking about it with my guys at practice helped a lot.  Writing the journal helped a lot, reading you’re replies helped a lot. And so I’m sharing your replies to hopefully help anyone else struggling with this. It needs to be discussed. His suicide, depression, mental health, whatever we want to call needs to be addressed. We need to get over our uber-macho, alpha-male-society, and be able to talk about these things.  For ourselves, for our kids, for our future. My oldest son had heard Genevra and I talking about Cornell. Driving him to school 2 days ago, he asked me how he died.  I told him. He didn’t understand why someone would do that. It was tough conversation.  And my first thought was to not tell him what it meant, but then my larger fear went to "what if he feels this way already?”  And before you go, “oh kids don’t feel that way, kids are just happy all the time”, I have 2 friends who are going though it with their tween/teenagers.  So we spoke about it, and I told him "I hoped that him and Wyatt never felt that way because THAT scared me even more." It was heavy… How any parent lives through that I’ll never know. Back when the news broke, the band/crew were talking over the group-text, Phil shared something amazing with us.  It was a post from our long-time friend Steffan Chirazi.  He had posted his eloquent thoughts regarding Cornell's suicide (written before suicide was confirmed). If you read only one of the replies below, scroll to the bottom and read his. It’s well worth your time. ——————————— From: Paul Miller Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Yeah man. I know that's not a formal way to start a reply, but that last line, "Listen, Honor, Remember Chris Cornell"... that's the truth. Did so today.  Soundgarden was one of those bands that I listed to and enjoyed, but I didn't run it into the ground.  It was great music, and I didn't want to burn myself out on it.  It would rotate, but I'd save it for special occasions.  When "Black Hole Sun" hit MTV, I'd find myself turning the tv so that I wouldn't get sick of it, but it became unavoidable for awhile (at least here in Indiana). I appreciate your words.  They ring true here, too.  Never got that low, but my thoughts have been dark enough.  It scares me, too.  But, I want to forge ahead for my 5 year old - she is what keeps me runnin'. All the best to you, and thank you for the music through the years. I'm sure you hear people say that your music helped them through rough times.  I believe it.  It kept me focused on doing something personally productive to develop my chops as I wore out the cassette of 'Burn My Eyes' while learning to play your riffs!  So, thank you for that. Take care, Paul From: Rochelle Mangan Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Thank you for this, I loved reading it and am enjoying re listening to a lot of the songs and albums you mentioned with a different perspective on them (this is something I enjoy doing with music a lot, listening to things after people have told me their ideas and opinions on them etc). I just want to say though that I hate the "they had so much to live for" type comments. Even if it's done from an emotional, irrational state, I can't not say something about it. I will find it hard to express concisely and over email the many reasons why but one of the main things is this.... Mental health is hard to deal with because it's invisible, it's so easy to feel like you're a flawed person somehow rather than recognise you are actually unwell. This can mean that experiencing severe depression or whatever when everything in your life is "going great" can (in my experience) often make it so much more confusing and distressing. I'm definitely not saying it's harder to deal with if your life's great! But, if things aren't great - you've lost your job, you're struggling with a relationship etc it's easier to sort of say to yourself "well of course I'm struggling".  I feel like it's also sometimes easier for others to empathise with you if they can see some logical reasons why. It's also easier to get help from public health services (in NZ anyway). When I'm in a bad patch and I have good things happening in my life I ALWAYS find it harder to not do damaging behaviours because my external things are so at odds with what's happening internally. It's like a big war going on and it is so confusing, so exhausting, just one massive dangerous mind fuck! Anyway I hope this doesn't make you feel worse than you may already be feeling, I don't mean it to. I just feel that it's important to say these things sometimes. I know suicide can be confusing to people but as you may know, when you're there, it's not. Thank you for your ramblings and your even more amazing music. It has definitely kept me alive in a big way numerous times. Rochelle xxx From: Anita Hoeve Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Even though I'm a Machine Head fan from the start, and I really enjoy your journals, I don't normally respond to them. Surely you have better things to do than read all the comments, but wow, this day really sucked, didn't it? I was utterly shocked to hear about Chris' passing. Even more to learn it was suicide. Feel so sad that he felt this was the only way out. I love his voice, his music, listened to Superunknown just last week. Between all the social outpourings I read today, yours really stood out. Thank you for your story, your memories. For really taking the time to share them with us. They got to me. Take care Robb, give your kids and Genevra an extra big hug tonight. Love, Anita From: "Kondalski, Joe" Subject: RE: CHRIS CORNELL To: 'The General Journals' I was at the Fox Theater last night to see Soundgarden, here are a couple of pics from the show. We were in the front row and Chris gave us fist bumps and was very engaged  with the fans during the show. Ps- these are cell phone pics, I will send some pics from my camera later. Feel free to post this pics anywhere. From: Fábio Gil Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals From a 34 year old fan boy trying to play it cool: if you need help, go and search for it and solve your shit, man. We all have demons and hard things we can't handle by ourselves, sometimes. So, for this fanboy, and millions around the world, for whom your TALENT and music inspires so fucking much, put yourself together and "headup". I have a band and we are looking for a proper singer for a time now, maybe a year... And you, dear Robb, your vocal approach, your melodies, ressonate in my head, pushing me to break my barriers and fears and step to the mic (I play of the guitars). This is how much you inspire me. And I'm... just one. Imagine what you do daily to your legion of fans. Is there anybody out there? Yea. There is. Always. From Portugal, with MUCH MUCH love, Fábio Gil. From: Jean-Baptiste Collinet Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL SPOTIFY PLAYLIST To: The General Journals Thanks for the playlist, Robb. Great choices, many almost-unknown songs. Great. Well, I tought about dropping a serious line about how Chris somehow "changed my life" (I know, that's so cliché, but I'm at loss for words, damnit). But I was too down last time you wrote about him. Not only did Chris, as a human being, kinda "redirected" me on a safer, healthier path… even if we never met (if there's heaven or hell, we may meet sometime. Let's be a hopeless optimistic-pessimist!) His music... Boy, it's just gut-tearing to think about the loss of the man who opened my mind and my ears enough to stop my technical frenzy and stage thirst for a huge while, and made me start listening instead of merely hearing. I even put aside performing for years, and I just started again maybe a few months ago. Not as a Swedish Melodeath drummer and guitarist, but as a viola da gamba soloist. Talk about a ride. It doesn't look like it, but both worlds share much more than one may think. Not sure I would have made it so far without Chris. Chris had this ability to quickly grok and understand the world and music in an unbelievably holistic way. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is... I could go on and on, rambling. Enough. Chris has still much to "teach" us, even if he's not "there". He made me wonder if we're not the dead, wrongly thinking we're alive. How can we dare think we're right? What if the ones we think of as dead/fallen are the ones alive? Anyone has an answer to this? Jean-Baptiste Collinet @Rich Hoit I both love and hate this. I love the passion, the honesty, and the wish to not shy away from the raw and heartfelt feelings towards a fantastic front man, singer, musician, friend and man. So much respect for that. I hate the fact that it had to be written so soon 😢 Bravo, Machine Head, a great piece and a great sentiment. And thank you, Chris Cornell. @Ashley Merritt You're strong as fuck Robb because you actually wrote how you feel honestly like this, helping anyone struggling with mental illness.. it helps to know that you're not the only one and the way you feel frankly is exactly the way I do. What a trip. Being open and around good folk means everything, there's always an up after a down. Always. @Theresa Alaimo Very proud of you, Robb Flynn, Machine Head, for this tribute to Chris. A s a journalist for my magazine, Black Planet, in New Mexico, I ran for over 15 years, I too am grieving for Chris Cornell, that beautiful man with an amazing voice. During the Voivod Tour they played at a club a few blocks from my work space apartment and the promoter asked if I could steam the crab legs for Soundgarden at my place. Delivering a plate of steaming hot crab legs to the beautiful Chris and looking into his eyes, made my legs steam as well. I believe I said, "Your Majesty, I present you with steaming hot crab legs" and bowed. I was such a dork, but I was so overwhelmed by his aura. I was also at the Foundations Forum where I saw Soundgarden and met you and other great guys. I interviewed you and we all became friends and hung out with Pantera, Biohazard, Exodus, STP, Lemmy, Pearl Jam, Iron Maiden and up and coming new bands for a weekend. I still have my Scorpions beer mug they handed out from their helicopter flight, it was a great experience. Anytime you are feeling sad or depressed Robb, try to remember that you are a talented musician, a beautiful man and maybe not every woman in the world wants to fuck you, but be your friend and will listen if you need to talk. I might not ever know if you read this, Robb Flynn, but at least it's out there. We all love you and need you to stick around. We've lost too many, Dimebag, Peter Steele, Wayne Static, Scott Weiland, Layne Staley, Lemmy, just to name a few and when we barely catch our breath, then we lose another. We can't lose you too, our hearts are already broken. @Matt McDonald "And I think I'm strong, but I'm not. I'm not as strong as I project, and I'm not sure if I'm stronger than depression. Because I sink into it sometimes. And it's black. I hope I am. I need to be for my kids. For my wife... for myself." God damn that shit hit me. So personal, so profound, and so relatable. Counseling, medication, therapy... none of that is a guarantee. Whether it's a bout of sadness or full on throes of suicidal depression, sometimes the hardest part for overcoming it is simply reaching out. Be it pride, shame, guilt... find a way to overcome, find something that helps you out of the funk. Music can be so powerful, so thank you for still being here to share your deeply personal thoughts and feelings, and for continuing to make music. You never know how much it could help even just one person, I think that's reason enough to continue. Thank you! @Jennifer May It can be really hard to admit, you worry that you'll be labeled as an attention seeker or told that you just need to cowboy up and try harder to be happy. Medication is still really stigmatized and expensive, and talk therapy can seem intimidating. I'm very, very lucky and grateful that my mama works in mental health so I've had someone to help me navigate the system. RIP Chris, we lost one of the greatest today. @Phil Stein No matter how much one tries to capture the range of emotions evoked by Chris Cornell's vocals, the description falls short of what he could do and what he could convey. Let alone the beauty, poignancy and power that he could generate. It was like hearing a 5 course gourmet dinner from appetizer through dessert - it was varied and more than that delicious vocally. Thanks for the great description and memorial For Chris Robb. It's so on point and fitting. Perfectly stated!!! @Mark Garcia It's the asshole in me but I will never grieve for someone who takes their own life. I can appreciate all the words from fans and I may not have been a fan of sound garden some of the songs were worth listening to. This band as well as the grunge "sound" never resonated with me so maybe that's why as well. @Jimmy James Brute honesty again from mr Flynn. Bravo this is why we love you and machine head. Depression does fucking suck and you don't shy away from talking about it. RIP Chris Cornell! Man I was actually a big soundgarden fan back in the 90s before discovering metal. @Siri LH Thank you for your honesty and reflections! Highly interesting to read. I can relate to the sadness and the mind fuck. Soundgarden was the band that sparked my love for heavy music. I've been depressed myself and always felt comfort in listening to Chris Cornell's voice. It resonated with my mind. The darkness felt lighter when I put on a Soundgarden album. I was comforted, like someone got my mood. Whenever I've felt lost, I've put on some Soundgarden and found myself again. Soundgarden feels like the essence of my being and I will always be deeply grateful for their music, and for Cornell's voice, lyrics and mood. I've seen them live once and I smiled the whole show through. Eternal love for Chris Cornell and Soundgarden <3 My heart goes out to his loved ones. @Austin Kokel I saw them on Lollapalooza '96, and I'm glad to hear you say what I felt at that show. I was only 15, but I had Badmotorfinger and Superunknown and I absolutely loved both and was right up front. The band was definitely in a funk, and the bassist was an asshole, spitting on and insulting the crowd (and bot in the fun Ramones way I experienced an hour earlier). I try to explain their set to people now, and I can't. I'm glad to hear my 20+ year old sentiments echoed. That said, I always wondered about him after that day, but I never saw this coming either, not this far down the road. Thanks for your honesty and insight, Robb. We love you. We love Machine Fucking Head. Be strong. @J Ake Hess You've expressed so many feelings and thoughts rattling around in my head today that I just couldn't find words to put to. Cornell will always be uniquely amazing and in a class​ by himself. I was listening to his cover of Prince's Nothing Compares 2 You just last night and letting myself become entranced by his unique sound and incredible voice. Today I am sad, angry, and a bit enthralled with my own mortality. Nobody is immune and sometimes the struggle is too much for even the people with everything to live for. I can't imagine what his family is feeling today. Beyond tragic… @Steffan Chirazi No-one can be sure why he is dead, and when it is appropriate, we will know. But depression is a very, very real thing. It is a part of life, but for some, it carries deadly lows and utterly crushing weight along with a gravitational pull into darkness that many of us cannot fathom. I sometimes fight the rabbit hole. I see it, I feel it, I flirt with its edges, but then I bury my head in the dog or hug the cat or take deep breathes and get outside and find a piece of mental architecture to grab hard, fast and haul myself out. I am very lucky. I am slightly brushed with depression and anxiety, but fortunately I am always able to find the light. Fortunately I still retain enough of my natural mental antibodies to find the path out quickly and efficiently. There is no doubt that age makes that path harder to find sometimes, as a consequence of both the physical being and some of the inevitabilities which come with your 50s (such as more people in your circle dying). Others are not so lucky. It isn't because they 'don't want to' or 'aren't trying hard enough' or 'don't love their familes' or anything remotely like that. It isn't ever for the lack of trying. It is because depression (and anxiety) are a crushing, debilitating disease which this country, this planet, seems largely unable to recognize. We push people to the outer regions of anxiety and depression with no care that there are some who fall headfirst into a rabbit hole tornado and only through regular (and possibly unrecognized miracles) find themselves hurled into the escape bunker as opposed to the abyss. Yeah. Imagine that. A tornado that escalates within minutes from a slight, chilly breeze, a tornado that offers no pattern as to when it will appear. And imagine that the only help which can come your way is a bunker miraculously opening up beneath your feet and drawing you to a womb of safety until the tornado passes… ...Often, people with clinical depression will self-medicate. Not because they 'like to fucking party' but because there is no other way out. It's 'easier' to take a swig, take a pill, take a hit. It keeps the darkness in the distance and the tornado (when it pops up) is smashed into smithereens by the 'medicine’. Let me, by the way, be VERY clear. I am NOT saying he was doing ANY of that. He had his dances back in the old days, ones he has been very open about. But I thought he had left that behind. I honestly don't know but feel he had for some time. Whatever eh? Because we judge anyway. Yet we judge. We judge in all senses and all ways. Why do they do that? Why do they behave that way? Who do they think they are? Why can't they just cheer up...? Why are they being such an asshole? Yeah, cheer up will ya? You're handsome or pretty or rich or famous or successful or ALL of those things. Come on. All you gotta do is think about how much worse so many other people have it. Who do you think you are? There are people with 'real' problems out there… I heard the same shit about Cobain and Staley. Listen, does anyone really believe that they wanted to go? That they didn't with every sinew wish in their more lucid moments that they could find a way out? Of course not. Pain is one thing, emotional pain is a whole other ball of wax, but add that to a chemical equation in your DNA that can (without warning) turn your colours to black and white, your peripheral vision to a short, narrow tunnel and which leaves your light feeling cold-negative and it is clear to see that this disease is both monstrous and potentially crippling. The thing with tornados is that when you're in one, they don't afford you the 'luxury' of contemplation. Especially when it is your own chemicals, your own imbalances through no fault of your own, which rise from nowhere to envelope you in that tornado; I never heard of anyone caught in one who was able to see straight, let alone reason with themselves. Fortunately some find their way out. They discover a regular path out of the fog, and they can stick to it. That is not to judge people who cannot; every situation is different. But some simply can't. They try and try and try again. Maybe they achieve success in escaping dark moments, and maybe they eradicate self-medication and triggers from their lives with the help of great local support. However there are never guarantees. Again, I don't know why he died. I spent a little time with him here and there, enough to know that for years, there was a dark moodiness which expressed itself via his generally quiet way and rich lyrics. Later on he certainly spruced himself up, chucked in the deeper self-medications, and seemed a lot more comfortable with life than when he wrote the semi-self-ridiculing "Jesus Christ Pose" but what did I know? Apparently not much at all… ...If you see a friend struggling, if you sense or feel a friend or family member is drifting near a rabbit hole, please, check-in with them. However you have to, either directly or just create an excuse to see them, to talk to them. We are so emotionally guarded that we perhaps see it as 'intruding' or 'sticking our noses in'. Know your friends. Know your family. Be kind whenever you can with them, have a laugh or crack a shit joke. But touch base. Do it today. Much love to everyone who suffers and is either marginalized, trivialized or simply ignored. Much love to those getting assistance in their ongoing battle. Subscribe to The General Journals: http://thegeneraljournals.hosted.phplist.com/lists/?p=subscribe

[bxebxee]

BTS Wings Tour 170323 (Newark Day 1) Fan Account

Okay, so here is a really long fan account of my experience at the BTS Concert on March 23rd, 2017 for the Wings Tour. I put this off for a couple of days because I was still not in the right mindset to write this all down. There are also links to all the fancams I took. 

Note about my ticket/seat: I was general admission P1+soundcheck. 

Soundcheck: 

Line for soundcheck: 

I don’t have a lot to say except staff was very strict when it came to filming. I was not going to risk getting kicked out, so I kept my phone out of sight. BTS performed Dope, Save Me, and Baepsae. They were playing and saying things like “please lower so-and-so’s microphone volume” but like most of the crowd didn’t understand it because it was in korean. it was cute. 

Also, i did a really stupid thing, but I knew if i didn’t do it I would regret it. During one of the quiet moments, I screamed “민윤기 멋져” at the top of my lungs. And literally there was no one else saying anything at that moment, so it was mortifying, but I had to do it. I have no idea if he heard or not, but i swear i saw a smirk. KEEP IN MIND that I could totally be projecting my hallucinations on him. Anyway, BTS looked so good without any (serious) makeup on. I don’t know if they were 100% barefaced, but they looked good REGARDLESS. I would refer you to @hobibliophile‘s great fan account for more details. 

Namjoon in a beanie and sunglasses saved my life. And Hoseok was so... HOT. He was the only one kind of getting into the dancing and I screamed so much. SO MUCH. 

They looked mad tired tho...

Main Concert: 

I’m exhausted as I type this. The post-concert depression is SO real. 

Before I really go into the main concert, I just wanted to say that for Newark Day 1, everyone was really supportive of each other. I didn’t see a ton of people pulled out of the pit (I only saw 2). And like while we were on line waiting for the concert, everyone was feeding each other ljfasdk. I basically had nothing on me, and everyone was like “DID YOU EAT? HAVE A COOKIE!” or “HAVE CANDY!” etc... 

Anyway, the ONLY time when it was a mess was when we were trying to get inside the venue, and then the Pushing(tm) began. Thankfully, I was sandwiched in between two people who smelled good, so no harm done lol. My friends and I were like... within the first several hundred people to get inside the venue, but by the time we got there, the extended pit crowd was way too heavy. We got a pretty okay spot by the sides of the extended stage, and it was a BARRICADE spot, so no real complaints. (Next time though, istg if I have to camp out to get front pit I guess that’s what I’ll have to do...) 

My spot: 

It was REAL FUCKING CLOSE TO THE STAGE. BARRICADE!

At around 7:59... they start playing Spring Day projected on the main white sheet pictured: 

(my fancam: right before the concert started)

And the lights dimmed after Spring Day played 2x. So you KNEW it was happening. If you notice, the white sheet is being held up by these little clip things. And BTS was behind that sheet!!!!!!!! THEY PULLED AWAY THAT SHEET AND THERE THEY FUCKING WERE.

They performed Not Today. (my fancams: Not Today [1, 2]

My memory is getting vague already, but they did some introduction comments (suga said: “SUGA IN THE HOUSE” and my friend captured me flipping the fuck out), and then jumped right into Baepsae. I was dying during Baepsae, but I did manage to capture the MOST pivotal moment of the performance (for me) HERE. 

I think after that, it was a vcr and some solo stages. This is out of order, but here are all the fancams of the solo stages that I captured: 

-Begin -First Love  -Awake

Honest to goodness... Jungkook is so GOOD at singing and dancing. Like... he’s UNREAL. He is SO STABLE, and his voice is just SO NICE. BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT RIGHT??!!?!? 

The best thing was that my friends and I didn’t really have overlapping biases, so we held each other’s spot anytime there was a solo stage. So when Yoongi’s stage was up they were like “GO” to me hahaha. @jatriciaapungg finally found her bias in hobi, and it was so cute. (Note: he was the ONLY solo stage that started in the extended stage, so she had to run ALL THE WAY BACK after securing a decent spot near the main stage. RIP but we got her to the barricade up front so that she could see properly. BUT OF COURSE IT HAD TO HAPPEN FOR HOBI.) 

Yoongi’s stage... what can I even say... I CRIED near the end. (only a little though because I was trying really hard not to be emotional) He’s so passionate and talented. There was an orchestral arrangement and the cello was beautiful. (He was beautiful.) 

I made a promise to myself that I would limit recording things because I wanted to experience the concert first hand instead of through a screen. But I was physically unable NOT to record Jin singing because he has such a beautiful voice, and Awake is my favorite solo song. 

This is so out of order, but I didn’t record Jimin’s, Namjoon’s, Taehyung’s, or Jhope’s solo stages because I was too absorbed in the performances. Jimin’s dance lines are UNREAL. How were Jimin stans even ALIVE standing near him for his LIE performance????? HOW??? 

Namjoon’s solo... my goodness... They had the phonebooth with a ton of writing/graffiti on it. @jatriciaapungg noticed LUST FOR LIFE written, and I wish I could’ve gotten a pic of that. That phonebooth was so aesthetic. Right before Namjoon started, there was this whale in the background and the crowd let out this collective “Awwwww” so it was nice to know we were all emo together. 

Our other friend (I’ll call her M because I’m not sure of her tumblr?) is a Taehyung stan, so we were like GOGOGOGO when Stigma was gonna start. And like... Taehyung’s outfit was so shiny. He’s so attractive, and his voice. omg. 

JHOOOPE. I have to tell you... Thursday night was ALL about Jhope. Everyone was so WIRED for Jhope. I loved it!!! I love seeing jhope get love you have no idea. He was the only one to start from the extended stage instead of the main stage, but when the dancers started walking over to get into position over at the extended stage it was a like a mad dash of this HUGE crowd of people over at the main stage to secure a decent spot over at the extended stage. This one super tall girl sort of pushed me out of the way, but she looked like she was having a good time jamming to her bias so I wasn’t too mad. I feel like we’re allowed to have those moments for our biases, yknow? 

Okay, so chronologically I’m blanking, but at some point Jimin, Taehyung, Seokjin, and Jungkook were already by the extended stage to get ready for Lost, and HERE THEY WERE:

My fancams for Lost: PART 1, PART 2 You have not LIVED if you have not heard Jin sing. He’s SO GOOD.  And Lost is such a good song omg. 

Then there was Save Me, which was so good. The crowd collectively LOST OUR MCFREAKIN MINDS when Jhope’s part came on. But let’s be real that’s like such an amazing part of the song. I apologize about me screaming when Namjoon came out for his part but he was SO ATTRACTIVE GODDD. 

I NEED U was next, and let me tell you I was so emo seeing this live. I never thought I would actually see them perform this live EVER. (short note: I NEED U was the song that made me really stop and listen to them and acknowledge that YES I liked them to bits. and HYYH came out at a pretty pivotal moment of my life, so by extension I fell in love with bts even more.) I welled up for this but no tears.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering about CYPHER PT 4, and yeah I have that whole thing recorded, so go check it out. Honestly, my heart was palpitating so much. And I wish that I was near the water, but it wasn’t meant to be. I still enjoyed the fck out of that performance. 

Everyone was HYPE for FIRE (part 1, part 2). They performed more for the front, but at my spot in line... I saw a lot of... butt... (im blushing ok. i never thought i’d actually bangtan’s butt LIVE okay!!!)

Here are some pics... (yoongi)

The medley was right after fire. Honestly, @jatriciaapungg‘s fancam for the medley was EVERYTHING. She and I were standing right next to each other, so her blessed fancam is exactly what I saw. 

My shaky medley fancams: A short break, No [part 1, part 2], No More Dream, Danger [part 1, part 2], Run [part 1, part 2]

Notes about the medley: I consider myself to be a mostly Yoongi bias, but I truly love all of them. ALL. Of. THEM. He wasn’t really on our side of the stage but do you know who was???? JHOPE, JIMIN, AND TAEHYUNG THATS WHO. 

Honest to goodness eye contact with Jimin was fucking fatal. And he changed his hair color to that soft brown that makes everyone nut. Taehyung was king of fanservice as expected, but Jimin was such a surprise. My heart was beating so fast because it wasn’t just once or twice that he came over to our end. And I lowkey (kind of sort of) think it’s because my friends were super pretty so make sure you go with pretty friends. 

Funny story about RUN. So towards the end of my fancams you’ll see me like rush towards the front when the boys move from the extension to the main stage. In my friend’s fancam, you can hear go “Unni Run! Gogogogogogo!” (and pls we’re both korean so don’t think we’re into that koreaboo shit lol). 

Right after RUN was 21st Century Girl [part 1, part 2]. They were so playful. Especially Jhope and Taehyung hahahaha. 

After that: Blood Sweat Tears. They had on these nice, expensive-looking blazers omg. 

Pretty stuff: confetti & rainbow ocean 

WINGS [part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4] I lost my fucking mind for WINGS. And maybe this is me being like annoying or whatever but I finally realized for WINGS that the crowd was kind of.... dead. Like we’re all in the front and stuff, and you can tell from my fancam that I was like v hype for it. TBH I wasn’t even paying attention to recording; I was jumping around and having a blast but everyone around me was so still wtf? Ah, it’s not up to me to dictate your own concert experience, but I really understood what people were saying regarding crowds being dead just to record stuff... Keep in mind though... that a lot of people who went to the thursday show were in really bad condition because of how cold wednesday night was...

(Almost ending picture)...

Ending Fancams: Short Break, Yoongi Ending Ment, 2! 3! (this is so short lol because I was SINGING lmao), Spring Day (Full), Almost Ending (everyone singing that last oh-oh-oh part of spring day. dont look at me i’m emo), Final Bows (this was supposed to be a picture but whatever), Saying Goodbye (feat. taehyung getting hit by a plushie), Jungkook Saying Goodbye, Jhope + Jimin Saying Goodbye, More Goodbyes, Yet More Goodbyes, Final Goodbye 

What an experience... There was so much DRAMA surrounding me going at all, but I’m so glad I went. And to have my first real concert be with BTS has been more memorable than you guys know...

Note about my videos: I feel like this should go without staying but, please do not post elsewhere without crediting. But probably some of you will do it anyway... (They’re not even that great of fancams so I’m not too mad.) 

Meet Ups: 

Honestly, I would not have been able to even GO at all if it weren’t for @jatriciaapungg. (The whole thing is a long story.) This was our third meeting, and I was SO HAPPY to get to go see BTS with her and her other friend. I couldn’t have asked for better concert buddies. And honestly we were so cute together. (IF YOU’RE READING THIS WE’RE GOING TO GO SEE BTS TOGETHER AGAIN!) Honestly, @jatriciaapungg is just super pretty on the inside and outside, and her fancams saved my LIFE.

I saw @hobibliophile a couple of times, but  both times we were in line or in a precious barricade spot, so we couldn’t really interact a lot hahaha. But it was great to see her and scream each other’s names from fifty feet away hahaha. 

Okay. So when I finally met bangtan bookclub babes @ohsuga and @triptaech I lost it. We made First Contact right before the concert started, but I got yelled at by security staff when I lingered for too long near a barricade thing separating seated sections from standing. But our real meeting was right after the concert ended, and we met in the cold outside. I tackled both of them in a hug. Let me tell you: they’re both super attractive and my heart was beating so fast because I finally got to meet some of the bookclub fam. We only spent like 20 minutes together because we were all going different directions, but they waited with me for my uber. I miss them already. 

Finally, I said hello to @versigny as I was leaving to go back home by train. (She’s so cute goodness gracious...) I think other writers were there with her too, but I had to leave and catch my train. 

[singingisfun]

Changing Tides - Chapter 16

Changing Tides - Chapter 16

link to cover art by @otpapprovedbythegods

And here’s a link to an adorable pic of Dopey as a pirate by @clockadile

ff.net: From the beginning - Current Chapter

AO3:  From the beginning - Current Chapter

Tumblr: Prologue - Ch 1 - Ch 2 - Ch 3 - Ch 4 - Ch 5 - Ch 6 - Ch 7 - Ch 8 - Ch 9 -Ch 10 - Ch 11- Ch 12 - Ch 13 - Ch 14 - Ch 15

A/N:  I must begin with a HUGE thanks to all of you! To say I was surprised to see this little fic get second for the Best AU Enchanted Forest WIP in the CSfanfic awards is a gross understatement. Several of you have left comments saying that certain scenes in this have made you cry and now you have returned the favor. I was so overwhelmed, I shed actual, literal tears. So, my heartfelt thanks to all of you for taking the time to read, nominate, vote, review, or send messages... I can't tell you how much it means to me. Truly.

All my love, Rachel

Now, on to the next chapter. And a big shout-out to @optomisticgirl for her beta services. MWAH, B!

The Fight and The Advice

“FE FI FO FU – ”  Killian cuts off as the book shakes again, rolling his eyes in feigned annoyance and returning his voice to normal.  “Darling, how am I supposed to read this if you can’t keep it still?”

His question proves too much for Emma to continue to contain her laughter and she and Grace erupt into a fit of giggles while Dopey throws his head back in silent, but obvious, amusement.  They’re currently sitting on deck, Killian and Emma perched on a crate and Dopey sitting cross-legged at their feet with Grace on his lap while Killian tries to read a bedtime story to Grace.

“I’m s-sorry,” Emma stammers, “I just never knew what a flair you had for story-telling.  I wasn’t expecting the… voices.”

“Oh, Hook is the best story teller there is,” Grace pipes up with pride.  “He always does the different voices for me.  You should hear him do the Wicked Witch’s voice.  It’s amazing.”

“You mean like: ‘I’ll get you my pretty’?”  

Now it’s Killian’s turn to laugh.  “Princess, please never do that again.  You’ve got the accent all wrong.”

Emma makes a sound of indignation and pinches him on the thigh to which he yelps and sticks his lower lip out in an exaggerated pout that has their audience giggling again.

In truth, he’s not upset in the slightest by the way this evening has gone.  It’s been absolutely perfect to his mind.  It started out with he and Emma relaxing on the crate, her back to his chest while they watched the setting sun before Grace appeared and begged a story.  He’d immediately agreed but Emma hadn’t wanted to move so she’d offered to hold the book while he read over her shoulder, a perfect solution is his opinion since it meant he could continue to hold her while he read.  But as the story went on, it was getting increasingly difficult to read with the way the book kept shaking.

He goes back to reading but cuts off again before he even reaches the bottom of the page.

“Hey,” she snaps when he attempts to take the book from her, holding it out of his reach.

“We’re never going to get through this story if you keep laughing,” he retorts, then lowers his voice and lines his mouth up next to her ear. “And if we don’t get through this story, we’ll never get to bed.”

That little reminder has her sobering immediately and he nearly hoots out a laugh himself. “Okay, fine.  I’ll stop, I promise,” she replies, settling back into his chest.

Reaching around, she pulls her hair to one side so he can lay his chin on her shoulder again, then holds the book back up.  He manages to get through the rest of the story with only one more interruption, and by that time the sun has completely disappeared.  

Grace and Dopey give a short round of applause while Emma snaps the book shut and hands it to the little girl, then she sits back up, lacing the fingers of her now free hand with his.

“Time for bed,” Patricia calls from the helm, starting toward the steps to collect her daughter.

“Do I have to?” Grace whines, making the woman in his arms chuckle.

“It’s late, angel,” Jeff says from behind the wheel.

Grace’s shoulder slump but, just as her mother reaches her, her head shoots up.  “Can I sleep in the crews’ quarters again tonight?” she asks with a smile.

Jeff and Patricia share a look and Jeff shrugs.  

“You promise to let Dopey sleep? You won’t talk his ear off?” Patricia asks.

“I promise,” Grace immediately concedes, practically bouncing on her toes.

“Okay,” her mother says, “Let’s go get you changed first, then you can pick whichever bunk you want.”

Grace grins widely, thanking her mother and hugging her tight around the waist.  

Killian chuckles when, as soon as she releases her mother, the little girl insists on giving goodnight hugs to everyone else on board.  She’d make a hell of a pirate, he thinks with amusement, watching as she sends her mother an innocent look even as Patricia taps her foot in impatience.  The child pulls out every stop to prolong her bedtime.  She always has.  

As the two finally disappear below deck, Emma settles into him again, her head leaning back to rest on his shoulder so she can gaze at the stars.  

He knows he should get up, check their position, set their course, but he doesn’t want to let her go just yet.  The night is warm and the moon is bright and everything else can wait.  He just wants to hold her for a few more minutes, so he lowers his head to rub his nose along her shoulder, relishing the happy sigh she releases as he does so.

He raises his head when he hears Dopey lighting the nearest lamp and the dwarf gives him a satisfied smile, nodding to him in approval.  He nods back and glances across the deck to see Ruby giving him a similar look – only hers is more knowing – and he nearly blushes.  Emma, who is completely oblivious to the glances being sent their way, snuggles closer in his arms and he buries his face in her neck to hide his smile.  

It’s been another glorious day.  He and Emma had spent the afternoon with Dopey working on his form, him instructing and Emma demonstrating.  Eventually, everyone else had joined in and it had turned into a full out fencing class.  Then they’d all enjoyed a lovely dinner on deck under the setting sun.

“Today was fun,” she murmurs and it doesn’t surprise him at all that their thoughts are aligned.  

“Yes, it was,” he replies, tightening his grip on her waist.  

She twists her neck to brush a sweet kiss on his lips and he closes his eyes to savor it. His eyes stay closed as she does it again, a soft glide of mouth against mouth, and his chest warms with contentment.  

There’s an easy breeze coming off the ocean, blowing through her hair to the point where the ends of it glance across his neck, the soft strands and her subtle fragrance mixing together into a moment he wants to revel in, to memorize and burn onto his heart.  It’s the simple moments like this one that he missed most of all, they’re the memories he played over and over again in his head for so many years, and the fact that he’s able to experience more of them now makes him want to etch the picture of every one on his brain, commit to memory the silky skin behind her ear where his fingers brush, the quiet sigh he hears when she turns further in his arms, skimming her lips across his again.  

He’s so lost in his effort to memorize every sensation that he misses the way she goes still when he buries his nose in her neck to breathe her in – roses and a touch of a spice he doesn’t recognize that will haunt him for the rest of his life – but when his nose brushes the lobe of her ear and her fingers dig into his shoulder, there’s something about it that draws his attention and he, regretfully, leaves the solace of her throat to look at her.  When he does, she motions over his shoulder with an amused and slightly embarrassed expression and he turns to find Jeff crossing the deck toward them.  

“Later,” he hears her whisper and he turns back to see her eyes shining with merriment.

“Later,” he echoes.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Jeff says when he reaches them, “but I wanted to talk about where we’re headed.”

Killian stands to face his friend, slipping his arm around Emma's waist. “I was thinking Portsmouth,” he replies, “I was there a few months ago, and I think it’s our best option.”

“Yes, that would be excellent.  I’ve got several…” his eyes dart to Emma and back, “contacts there.”

“Good.  We should be there in a couple of days,” Killian tells him, appreciative of the fact that Jefferson used the term ‘contacts’ instead of ‘spies.’  His friend obviously suspects that he hasn’t told Emma about their operation yet and the look on his face confirms it.  

“Once we get there, we should do a bit of scouting before Grace leaves the ship,” Jeff comments.  

“Of course, I was already planning on it.”  

“Planning on what?” Patricia asks, appearing at her husband’s side and linking her arm with his.  

Jefferson’s eyes soften at his wife’s appearance, turning to kiss her on the cheek, “We’re headed to Portsmouth and Killian and I were just talking about doing a bit of scouting before anyone else leaves the ship.”

“You’re not going without me,” Patricia immediately responds.

He and Jefferson share a look.  

“It might be dangerous, darling,” Jeff says to his wife.

“And your point?” she asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

Jeff just sighs, obviously not willing to put up the fight to stop her. “Just that you’ll need to be careful.”

Patricia gives a sharp nod at that but softens it with a light kiss then, linking her arm back in his, her eyes suddenly lighting up with an idea. “We should stop by the tavern while we’re looking around.  Their tavern is always bursting at the seams with the latest tidbits!”

“Fine,” Jeff agrees, resignedly.

“I’m going, too,” Emma says.

Bloody hell.

His body stiffens against his will and he knows she notices, her own back going ramrod straight as she turns to face him. She's got that determined look in her eye, like she’s daring him to contradict her, the argument forming before he can even say a word.  But he’s not going to argue with her – he’s not.  He’s going to keep calm no matter how this conversation goes.  He lets his hand fall from her waist, hooking his thumb in his belt and schooling his features the best he can.  

“Emma,” he says carefully, trying to get her to see reason, “the closer we get to your kingdom, the more likely it is that you’ll be recognized.  Regina is looking for you.  You should stay aboard the Jolly, she’ll protect you.”

“And what about you?” she asks, obviously trying to stay calm as well.  “Regina is looking for both of us.  She sent a garrison of knights to capture you. Or have you forgotten that?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Then what’s the difference?!”

Her voice is starting to rise and he grits his teeth against his need to match it.

“I can’t hide aboard this ship, love,” he says evenly, “I’m sure word of that encounter is spreading faster than lightning and I need to stop any rumors of my untimely demise as quickly as possible.”

“Why?” she demands, and now her arms are crossed over her chest.

“What do you mean, why?”  

“Everyone already thinks Killian Jones is dead.  Let them think Captain Hook is dead, too.”

“No.”

He doesn’t expect the amount of venom that comes out with the word and Emma doesn’t seem to either, her eyes widening in shock.  

“But –”

“I don’t care what the general population thinks,” he cuts her off, “But the Evil Queen…?  She already knows by now that her plan failed and I’ll not give her the satisfaction of thinking she’s scared me into hiding!”

Her mouth snaps shut at that but her eyes are still flashing with annoyance.  After several cleansing breaths, he sees the tension in her shoulders start to relax and relief floods him, thinking he’s won this debate.  He’s just about to congratulate himself on keeping his temper (for the most part) under control, but then she lifts her chin at a regal angle.

“Fine, but I’m not going to hide, either,” she says.  Then, at the eye-roll he can’t contain, her voice goes a pitch higher, “People are going to find out I’m still alive soon enough.  What does it matter if they find out before we reach Camelot?”

“Outside of the impropriety of being seen in the company of a pirate?”

“Impropriety?” she asks in disbelief, “You’re worried about my reputation?”

“I’m worried about your LIFE!” he shouts.

“And I’m worried about YOURS!”

Their outburst echoes across the deck in the following silence, both of them breathing heavy and their stances stubborn.

Gods, she really doesn’t understand, does she?  She doesn’t see the difference…

He takes a long breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment to gather himself, grappling for any excuse he can come up with to convince her to stay aboard the ship.

“My life isn’t nearly as valuable as yours is, princess.” He rasps out the first thing that comes to mind.  “If Regina finds out where you are, she’ll set the remainder of her navy to find us. The Jolly is a marvel, yes, but she can’t stand against all of Regina’s ships.  If they find us before we reach Camelot, they’ll sink us without a second thought.”

“You know as well as I do that won’t happen,” she replies with derision, “By the time word reaches her, we’ll be half-way there and her ships won’t stand a chance at catching us.  The Jolly is a marvel, and she’s also the fastest ship in the realm.  Try again, Captain.”   

He bristles at the emphasis she puts on his title, a tinge of regret flickering through him that he’d made a point to use hers. But she needs to understand, dammit!  No matter how much she doesn’t like it, she is a princess.  She was born to rule a kingdom and her life is too bloody valuable to risk over a simple scouting mission.

(And that’s to say nothing of the prophecy that says she will be the one to defeat the Evil Queen - which he knows she knows nothing about, but she’s not stupid and she must at least suspect where this is headed.  While his life…  Well, he’s not as vital.  He’s already done what he needed to do.  He’s already awakened her magic and it will continue to strengthen with or without him.)

The tension is back in her shoulders as they stare each other down through the strained silence, her arms crossed so tightly over her chest that he idly wonders if she’ll have bruises tomorrow from how her fingers are gripping into her forearms. For his part, his heart is pounding heavily and he can feel his fingernails digging crescents into his palm.  He’s also acutely aware that everyone is watching, none of them daring to move.

It’s another few moments before Ruby’s voice breaks the non verbal battle. “What if there was no chance that she’ll be recognized?” she asks as though something just occurred to her.

Neither he nor Emma respond, their stares never wavering from the other, both of them so determined to not back down that they don’t even glance Ruby’s way, so it falls to Jeff to voice the question.

“How?” he asks.

“Magic,” she replies.  “Emma could do a glamour spell.”

That gets Emma’s attention and she finally breaks the nearly tangible tether between their eyes, swinging her gaze to Ruby.

“A glamour spell?”

“Yes, to change your appearance.  It’s the same principle you were using yesterday to change the color of our dresses,” Ruby says.

Killian’s stomach clenches into a tight fist when Emma’s eyes light up, an inexplicable but all-encompassing terror crawling up his chest.

“How do I do it?” she asks.

No.

“Just picture what you want to look like and let your magic do the rest.”

No, no, no.

Emma nods, closing her eyes and concentrating even as jagged claws tear at the back of Killian’s throat, the sudden onslaught of fear manifesting itself by choking off his air supply.  

No. She needs to stay aboard the ship, he thinks.  She can’t…  It’s too dangerous.

His lungs are burning with the need for oxygen by the time Emma’s eyes open, looking to Ruby and shaking her head in an indication that it didn’t work and Killian finally manages to draw a breath.

“Try thinking of someone you know well.  Someone whose face is familiar – Gwen from The Gold Mine, maybe.”

The dread washes through him again instantly when Emma’s eyes close, her hands going into fists at her sides even as his do the same.  

Don’t let it work, he prays desperately.  Please, don’t let it work.  She’ll be safer on the ship.

Emma shakes her head, looking to Ruby again.

“Okay.  Try me,” Ruby suggests. “You probably know my face better than I do.”

“It’s not that,” Emma replies, “It’s…  I can’t even get the magic to start.  It’s…”  she trails off, looking down to her hands with confusion as she turns them over and back again…  

Then, without warning, she whips around to face him, her eyes wide with realization and her voice sharp with accusation.  

“What the hell are you doing?!” she demands.

He nearly stumbles back from the force of her words, confusion and anger making his denial much more heated than he intends.  “I’m not doing anything!”

“Yes, you are!” she shouts.

“No, I’m NOT!” he retorts – even though he’s not sure what he’s denying.  He’s just bloody standing here.  He hasn’t moved so much as a single muscle, so what on earth could she possibly think he’s doing?

Her chin juts out stubbornly as she snatches his hand and links their fingers together.  Clenching her eyes shut, she squeezes his hand, her face a mask of determination as she tries one last time to call on her magic.  His eyes drop to their interlaced fingers but there’s nothing, no spark, no warmth in his stomach, no light igniting between their palms.  

She drops his hand as if he’s burned her, taking a step back and looking at him with wide eyes.

“You don’t want it to work,” she says, disbelief and hurt lacing the words.  

A heavy weight swoops into his belly, the pain on her face lancing his heart even if he has no idea what he’s done to put it there.  But she’s right, he doesn’t want it to work, so he doesn’t respond to her implied question – not that he needs to, she already knows what he’s thinking.

“Why?” she asks, idly rubbing her thumb over the palm of the hand she’d just released from his.

“’Why’ what?”

“Why don’t you want it to work?!” she demands at the top of her voice.

Because this is the best excuse I have to keep you on the ship.  To keep you safe.  Because I’m terrified of losing you.  Because I won’t survive it, not again.  It has nothing to do with you being royalty or you defeating Regina and everything to do with the fact that I can’t even think about a world without you in it without spiraling into a complete bloody panic!

“What difference does it make?” he says instead.

“Because I can’t use my magic!”

“And how is that my fault?!”

“Because, you stubborn pirate, it’s not just my magic.  It’s ours!”

Her declaration doesn't register at first, his greater concern the way her eyes widen in alarm as though she hadn’t intended to share that secret just yet.  But he doesn’t have time to wonder why that is before the meaning of her words slam into him like a bloody hammer and his breath catches.

Their magic? What does she mean, their magic?  It’s her magic.  She’s the one who has power, not him.  She’s the one who saved his life and Grace’s life and Dopey’s life.  He just… gives her a boost occasionally, he doesn’t have anything to do with how she uses it.

She must see his confusion, so she takes it upon herself to demonstrate.  “Watch,” she says, reaching out and taking Ruby’s hand.  “Ruby cut herself earlier while she was making dinner.  I’m going to heal it, okay?”

Before he can say a word, she waves her hand and he feels the spark in his stomach, the small cut disappearing.  That only serves to confuse him even more because her magic is working, so what on earth is she going on about?

“Did you feel that?” she asks.

“Yes, but what does that prove?”

“You wanted it to heal, right?”

“Well, I…  I mean, I obviously don’t want Ruby to be in pain, but I – ”  

“So, you wanted it to heal,” she surmises, releasing Ruby’s hand and taking a step toward him.  “Don’t you see?  It only works when we want the same thing…  Consciously or not.”

He shakes his head in denial.  “That can’t be true.  You’ve used it without me before.  Bloody hell, I was sleeping the other morning when you healed yourself – ”  

“But you’d never want me to be in pain.  Just like you’d never want Ruby to be.”

“But – ”

“Look, it’s hard to explain but… every time I use it, it’s… it’s like you’re there with me… it’s like I can feel your heart working alongside mine.”  

He shakes his head again, his thoughts reeling.  He’s part of her magic?  But it’s impossible.  Isn’t it?  He doesn’t have… power.  He’s no one.  A commoner who was lucky enough to catch the eye of a princess.  She’s the special one.  He’s the son of a man who sold him into servitude the moment he was old enough to be useful.  She’s the product of true love.  A princess… Royalty…

From out of nowhere, Jeff’s words from a few days ago pop into his mind.  The love between the two of you…  It was electric.  It was magic, Killian.  Literally.  Everyone around you could feel it.  

His heart thuds and his eyes widen, his blood starting to race as he frantically thinks back to each and every time she’s used her magic, replaying each one in his head…  

Arendelle… the attack on the Jolly… the cave…  He’s felt it every time.  Even yesterday, while she was practicing and he was fencing with Dopey there was a subtle spark in his stomach.  His eyes had been drawn to her over and over again because he could feel her calling on it, contentment filling him because he was happy that it was strengthening… as he was hoping it would.  

When he looks back to her, she’s nervous, wringing her hands together as she eyes him warily, like she’s afraid of what his reaction will be.  But the only thing he can think is how amazing this is.  How a man like him, a one-handed pirate, could possibly be part of something like this…  A love so powerful that it can heal and protect everyone around them because, like Jeff said, it’s their love that makes the magic.  

He’s moving in the next second, weaving his hand her in hair and kissing her so soundly that she squeaks in surprise.  

K&EK&EK&E

Okay, definitely not the reaction she was expecting – not that she’s complaining.  

She’d been standing there, watching each thought flitter across his face – from disbelief to confusion to acceptance – terrified that he’d misinterpret her recent actions as a ploy to use him simply so her magic would work.  Or that he’d be angry that she’s kept it a secret.  But he doesn’t seem to be either, especially with the way he turns his back on their audience to afford them a bit of privacy so he can sweep his tongue through her mouth.

He breaks the kiss as abruptly as he’d started it and she’s so caught up in the haze of his lips that she has to concentrate to pry her eyes open.  When his face comes into focus, there’s a look of awe in his heavy-lidded gaze, his eyes searching her features like he’s seeing her for the first time.  Slipping his hand further into her hair, he guides her head to nuzzle his nose against hers and her heart swells in her chest.

She’s definitely not complaining.

Someone coughs loudly and they break apart, both of them blushing and clearing their throats as they turn back to their friends.

“Well, now that that’s settled,” Ruby says, “Can we get back to our current problem?  Emma needs to be able to disguise herself if she’s going to leave the ship.”

Killian’s shoulders immediately tense again and she looks over to him, his eyes clouding just before he hides them from her.  

“Killian?” she asks, her chest tightening when she sees the way his jaw clenches.

He shifts around on his feet, keeping his eyes averted and she turns to face him, only vaguely aware of their friends silently retreating.  

He shakes his head, his lower lip caught between his teeth.  “I’m sorry, love, but I…  If it’s true that your magic depends on both of us, then I’m…”  

He trails off, opening his eyes to give her a pleading look, begging her to understand.

Her heart sinks and her temper flairs back to life.  “You still don’t want it to work,” she says, trying to keep the sharpness of the knives she feels in her chest from coming out in her voice.

“I can’t help the way I feel, Emma.  I can’t – ”

“Why?!” she demands, and dammit, he looks like she’s just jabbed one of those knives into his chest now with how he sucks in a ragged gasp.

“Emma, please…”

She takes a measured breath to calm herself at the pleading in his eyes, but it doesn’t do anything to slow her racing blood.  Still, she manages to mask the worst of her annoyance when she speaks again.

“You don’t trust me,” she says flatly.

“It’s not that,” he immediately replies.

“Yes, it is,” she retorts, “It’s exactly that.  You don’t trust that I can take care of myself.”

“Emma…”

“You know, I may not be a notorious pirate captain whose name strikes fear into anyone who hears it, but I'm not some spoiled, dainty princess, either!  I may have been living in ignorance for the past few years but I’m still me.  You used to have faith in me.  You used to treat me like an equal.  But now… what?  I’m supposed to sit on my hands while you go off without me?  I’m supposed to wait around on this ship like I’m fucking helpless while you risk your life?”  

“Love…” He takes a step toward her, raising his hand as though to sooth her and she bats it away.  

“Well, it’s not going to happen that way.  The only way you’ll get me to stay on this ship is if you physically restrain me!”

She turns on her heel and stalks off, too angry to even turn back when he calls her name.  

Once she’s safe inside his cabin is when the tears come, fury and hurt making them burn as they slide down her cheeks.  

That impossible… stubborn… thick-headed… pirate!  How can he even consider leaving her behind?  What does she need to do to prove to him that she’s just as capable as he is?  Because what she said on deck is true:  He used to trust her, he used to consider her an equal, he used to believe in her.  But now…  Now he doesn’t.

Her eyes land on the long leather coat hanging benignly on the peg next to the door and her blood boils.

Now he’s a highly-feared pirate captain who is used to people following his orders without question.  He’s the commander of his ship and everyone aboard.  And, somehow, he’s gotten it into his head that she’ll follow those commands without putting up a fight?  Well, he’s sorely mistaken.

Idly, she snatches a sword handle that’s sticking out of one of the chests lining the walls, pivoting and slashing it through the air with grace.  She may not be as good as he is with a sword anymore, but she’s no amateur.  Adjusting her grip on the hilt, she spins on the spot, the weapon zipping through the air so fast that she hears the hum of the blade before landing in a low lunge.

How naïve does he think she is? she thinks sourly.  Does he think she doesn’t understand the importance of what they’re doing?  It’s her kingdom they’re fighting for, her mother is the one locked in that tower, her father is the one who has been separated from his wife for all these years.  And if he thinks she’s going to let him treat her like some delicate, fragile figurehead who needs protecting while she stays behind…

She stabs the sword back into the chest, a satisfying clang of metal echoing through the room when it slides past the precious gold and silver treasures it had been nestled with.  Angrily, she wipes at her eyes, removing the evidence of tears and walks to the bed, plopping down and covering her face with her hands.

She’ll go mad if she’s stuck here worrying about him while he’s out there – probably rushing head-long into danger with a cavalier attitude toward his life.  Because that's exactly what he'll do.  He’s already proven he doesn’t see his life as a thing of value.  He’d been willing to die for Grace and he’d made it clear earlier that he considers her life more valuable than his and that’s just not true.  He’s more vital than he gives himself credit for but if half of what she’s heard of him is accurate, he takes insane risks on a regular basis and he… he can’t… She won’t survive losing him again.  She won’t.  She’s certain her heart would simply cease beating if…  if he…

Just the thought has tears spilling over again and she snatches up his pillow, hugging it to her chest as she lays back on the mattress.

She won't let him do it.  She'll chain herself to his side if she has to.  He's not going anywhere without her.

There’s a shuffle on the deck above her and she holds her breath, watching the hatch to see if it opens but it doesn't.  Instead, the footsteps retreat and she feels a pang of regret shoot through her.  She shouldn't have yelled at him.  She shouldn't have called him out for his pirate ways again. But dammit, does he really expect her to sit here and do nothing?

She clamps her eyes shut at the next sting of tears, willing them not to fall.  She considers going back up to try to talk sense into him, but changes her mind.  She'll wait for him to come down for the night.  They've already put on quite a show for everyone and she'd rather have this conversation in private.  

She stares at the ceiling and waits.  And waits.  

And waits.

It’s sometime later when she jolts to attention, confusion filtering through her when she sees the room is much darker than it had been. She must have fallen asleep, she realizes, unconsciously reaching across the bed seeking Killian.  Her hand glides over the empty mattress next to her and her stomach drops.

Glancing around the room, she notices the lanterns have nearly burned out, indicating she’s slept for a good portion of the night.  With a weight in her chest, she gets to her feet, her eyes still scratchy and sore from her earlier bout of tears.

Quietly, she makes her way up the ladder, expecting to find him at the helm.  Instead, though, she's greeted by another dark-haired man.  Jefferson is standing at the wheel and affords her a quick glance when he hears her.

“He's below deck,” he says without prompting, “assuring himself once again that all of the cannons are loaded and at the ready.”

His tone is reprimanding and, if she’s not mistaken, there's also a subtle implication of something more hidden in his words.  She's not sure because she doesn't know him very well, but her shoulders still slump at the admonishment.  He’s clearly not happy with her and who can blame him?  His loyalties lie squarely with Killian and their little scene earlier is most certainly the reason he’s not currently in bed with his wife.  Rather, he’s spent a good part of the night on deck, more than likely in an attempt to either console his friend or distract him.

Not wanting to deal with another confrontation, she skirts around him toward the stairs, but just as her foot lands on the first step, she hears him release an exasperated sigh.

“May I offer you a bit of advice, princess?” he asks.

She almost turns down his offer but there’s a trace of apology in his voice that makes her hesitate.  His sympathies might be with Killian but it does sound like he truly wants to help, and since he probably knows Killian better than anyone now, his advice could be immeasurably valuable.  So she removes her foot from the step and turns to face him, folding her hands demurely in front of her.  

Once he has her attention, he studies her for a moment, his eyes searching hers and his hand readjusting itself on the wheel in a nervous reflex, apparently trying to figure out how to approach whatever it is he wants to say.  She lets her hands fall to her sides at the obvious concern in his eyes and takes a step toward him, silently encouraging him.

Finally, he draws a deep breath, his eyes softening as he looks thoughtfully out at the horizon. “I've been married for some years now,” he starts, his voice soft, “and I love my wife with everything I have.  She and Grace have brought joy back to my life.  And joy was not something I thought to ever have again.”

This wistful admission is the last thing she expected and her brow wrinkles as he fiddles with the handle again.

“I won't pretend to know what it was like for you when you were informed of Killian’s death,” he says gently, “But I was there when he heard of yours.  He'd just lost his brother – killed right in front of him – and, within a fortnight, he lost you as well.  He had nothing left.  And it… broke him.”  

Emma’s eyes fill with tears, her heart aching.  He saw his brother die?  Liam died before they even escaped the castle?  She wants to ask what happened but her throat is clogged and, even though she tries, the lump obstructing her voice is too large to swallow past.

Jeff steps forward and takes her hand, holding it between both of his, his voice gentling even more. “I’m sure it was difficult for you as well, but at least you knew your parents were still alive.  You had, at least a sliver of hope for the future.  He didn't.  He lost everything in a very short span of time and… that kind of pain, it stays with you.  And it’s something you would give anything to keep from feeling again.”

She blinks to clear her blurred vision and it barely does any good with how fast her eyes fill again.  

“He doesn’t question your abilities, your highness.  You have to know that.  He’s just terrified.  And, if you’ll forgive me for saying so, I’d say the… strength of your anger earlier would indicate you are, too.”

Drawing a shaky breath, she squeezes his hand, a rush of affection pressing on her heart.  Yes, he’s squarely on Killian’s side but he also holds sympathy for hers.  And, he’s right, she and Killian are both scared of the same thing, it’s just that neither of them were willing to admit it.  (Well, Killian might have been but, once again, she relapsed to anger to cover her fear before he could explain himself.)  

As if understanding her predicament, he gingerly wipes a tear from her cheek, going on, “Take it easy on him, princess.  He’s nearly obsessed with keeping you safe.  This is the third time today the cannons have been checked.”

The statement melts her heart and she nods, his first comment when she alighted on deck suddenly making sense.  

Flashing a sad smile, he gives her a quick kiss on the back of the hand and steps back, returning to the wheel.  Then, in an effort to lighten the mood, he adds in a mischievous tone, “You know, there’s something I’ve learned over the years I’ve spent with my wife: Arguments are inevitable, especially when you’re both strong-willed people, but the making up can be…” he quirks an eyebrow…  “fun.”

She huffs out a laugh through her tears, completely taken off guard at his frank words considering the propriety he usually uses toward her.  

“Perhaps,” she replies in amusement but it fades quickly, adding, “but I wouldn’t know. Killian and I never used to argue.”

He must hear the melancholy return because his voice turns serious again. “That’s because you never had anything to argue about,” he points out.

At her questioning look he continues, “You were young back then, princess. You didn't have a care in the world.  Your kingdom was at peace.  There was no conflict, no war, and no reason to believe that would ever change.  You were, the both of you, fearless.  You'd never known loss, betrayal – and now there’s danger everywhere.  And danger makes emotions run high, especially when mixed with two people as headstrong as you and Killian.”

The creaking sound of a hatch opening draws both of their attentions and Killian appears, stopping abruptly when he sees the two of them at the helm.  Their eyes meet across the deck, but he doesn’t hold the gaze, instead flicking his eyes to Jefferson.  

Jeff looks completely unimpressed with Killian’s tense stance, in fact, he looks almost pleased at Killian’s irritation.  Turning back to Emma, he gives her a quick bow. “Well, I should leave you to it, princess,” he says, moving to walk past her.

She stops him with a hand on his arm.  “My friends call me Emma, Lord Galerus.”

He smiles softly.  “And mine call me Jeff, Emma.”

She gives him a thankful nod, hoping he understands how much she appreciates the help and insight she’s gained from him during their short conversation.  “Good night, Jeff.”

“Good night, Emma,” then he leans close to her ear, “Remember: Go easy…  the making up could be worth the fight.”

Her lips curve and she nods one more time in agreement, then he goes around her to make his way down the steps.  He pauses when he reaches Killian, whispering something to him that Emma doesn’t hear but makes Killian’s lip quirk for the barest instant.  Then he leaves, descending into one of the hatches.  

As soon as the creaky hatch latches shut, silence descends in a nearly physical fog, it’s thick weight even blocking out the sound of water lapping on the bow.  Killian hasn't moved, his hand anchored in the belt at his waist but, somehow, it doesn’t look as menacing without the pirate garb he’s been shedding over the past few days.  Still, his eyes are hard and his jaw ticking and her heart sinks even more.  She wants to go to him, just rush down the steps and throw herself into the comforting warmth of his arms, surrender the fight and beg forgiveness for losing her temper again, but her feet are rooted to the spot.   

“I thought you'd be asleep by now.”  His voice cracks the tiniest bit on the last word, completely at odds with the terse comment.  

“I thought you would've joined me by now,” she counters.

He fidgets and scratches at the back of his ear, looking away from her. “Well, I wasn't entirely sure my presence would be welcome.”

His voice has softened but it's still guarded and she aches to cross to him. To that end, she takes a step in his direction, “Killian – ”

“I don't want to fight, love,” he interjects, his hand lifting as though warding her off and she freezes mid-step.

“I don’t want to fight, either,” she replies, going ahead and taking the step closer.  

The space separating them feels like it stretches a mile and when he steps back as though to keep the distance even, her heart tightens so badly she fears it might stop beating.  

“Please Killian,” she rasps desperately, “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled.  I just – ”  

“Why did you think I’d be upset about your magic depending on both us?” he interrupts in a rough voice, both curiosity and pain dripping from the question.

Her eyes pop wide, surprised that this, rather than her outburst, seems to be what has him the most upset, “It was just…” she falters, “Things have been getting better between us and I didn’t want to risk – ”

“Did you think I’d be angry?” he asks.

“I…  I just didn’t know how you’d react…” She replies, hesitantly starting down the steps to close at least some of the distance between them. “You see, this magic – our magic – it’s more than just us wanting the same thing. It also depends on… something else,” she explains.  

She's now at the bottom of the stairs and he hasn't moved, but she stops there and keeps her hand on the rail, needing something solid to hold on to as she goes on, “Right after I woke up, during those days when you were avoiding me… Well, it didn’t work at all then.  I didn’t understand why at first but once it did start working again, I realized it… Well, it…” she trails off and bites her lip, unable to meet his eyes.

“Its strength is directly related to the strength of our… feelings for each other,” he finishes for her, the way he says it giving her the impression that he’d already riddled through the matter while she’d been below.

She nods hesitantly, averting her eyes to stare at the grooves in the rail her thumb is nervously tracing. “Yes,” she manages in a jagged tone.

“And you were afraid I’d think you were only… using me to make our magic work.”

Again, she can tell he’s already reached this conclusion and even though there’s no accusation in the gently spoken statement, her cheeks redden in shame, her eyes filling with tears.  She nods slowly, her thumb nearly gouging the thick wood of the rail now.

“Emma,” he breathes taking slow steps until he's standing before her.  He shakes his head sadly, reaching out to cup her cheek, “I’d never think that, love.  Never.”

She’s frozen to the spot, swallowing tightly against the lump in her throat.  She sees moisture caught in the edges of his eyes and he lifts his left arm and uses his hook to gently tuck a stray curl behind her ear, searching her features with a sorrow so deep that it tugs at her heart.

“We don’t know each other at all anymore, do we?” he asks quietly.

The overwhelming sadness she hears makes her stomach plummet – because he believes it.  He’s been up here half the night, not upset because of her outburst, but pondering over her reason for not telling him about their magic and coming to this conclusion – this soul wrenching conclusion that they have changed so much that they don’t even know each other and he’s so wrong.  She does know him.  

“That’s not true.  I do know you,” she says, trying to put as much conviction as she can into her words, but her throat is so tight it only comes out as a croak.

He shakes his head in denial and tries to step back but her hands grapple at his shirt, urgently gripping it to stop him from retreating as she presses on, her voice getting stronger. “I know that you’re honorable and kind,” she declares fervently. “I know that you’d do anything for a friend and that you have a sense of loyalty that runs so deep you’re willing to give your life for it.”  She moves one hand to his cheek to make sure he keeps his eyes on hers. “I also know you’re scared,” she whispers, “you’re scared of so many things.  You’re scared to tell me what happened while we were apart, you’re scared that I don’t care for you the way I used to and that I won’t understand.”

“Emma…”

“But that’s not all you’re scared of,” she hurries on, because she doesn’t want to push that right now, “You’re also scared of losing me again.  And that’s why you didn’t want the glamour spell to work earlier.  You want me to stay on the ship so that I’ll be safe.  But what you don’t understand is that I’m just as scared of losing you.”

He sucks in a breath, his hand tightening at the base of her neck. “Darling…” he whispers, tears now falling unchecked down his cheeks as his head falls forward to land on hers with a strangled sound.

“I won’t let you go without me,” she vows, “and that’s not me being stubborn or trying to defy you.  It’s me being terrified that you won’t come back.  You want to protect me, and I understand that, but why can’t you believe that I want to protect you just as much?  That if something happens to you, I…  I…”  Her voice clogs and she leans back to meet his eyes, noting the tiny glimmer of hope now shining in them.  “I can’t lose you again.  I can’t.  I need you, Killian.  I need you beside me, I need your strength and your faith and your hand in mine.  And that has nothing to do with magic… or… or strategy… or…”

“I need you, too,” he rasps out when her voice breaks, and then he's moving, covering her mouth with a kiss so desperate that it shoots dizzying relief through her system.  

He kisses her thoroughly, a broken groan releasing into her mouth when he tilts his head and his tongue slides against hers.  She can taste his tears, or maybe their hers, but either way, it adds more fuel to her response and her tongue moves with greater purpose, tangling with his.

She clutches his neck, holding on for all she’s worth when he backs her up until her spine makes contact with the corner hidden by the staircase.   He’s like a man possessed, his mouth burning a trail of fire across her cheek and down her neck as he pins her to the wall with his body.  

Tugging roughly on his hair, she brings his eyes to hers only long enough to say one more thing while she still can, something she needs to say and something he needs to hear.  “Never tell me again that my life is more important than yours,” she pants, clenching her fist in his hair for punctuation.  “Do you hear me?  Your life is just as important as mine.”

She connects their lips without waiting for his reply, using the same tuft of hair to angle his head and attack his mouth demandingly.  

“Never, do you understand?” she adds at the next break of lips.

“I understand,” he gasps out, his hand gliding down her spine and his hook nudging her thigh to prompt her to wrap it around his back.  

As soon as her leg is locked around him, he rocks his hips forward while his hand tugs her to him and she gasps, so caught up in the feel of him that she almost misses the mumble he releases into her neck.  “I can't lose you, either,” he grounds out. “I won’t survive it again.  I need you to breathe, love.”

His lips clamp down hard on her collarbone and suck even as hand and hook start yanking at her dress, his urgency making her mind simply turn off until she feels his fingers pressing into her.  It’s then that she realizes he intends to have her right here on deck and a thrill shivers through her veins.  Frantically, she reaches for his pants, nearly tearing them in her haste to free him from the confines, and amazes at the hard length of him jutting out and into her hand.  It’s the first time she’s touched him like this and she wants to take a moment to explore the feel of him, but she only gets time to register how silky the skin is before he’s batting her hand away and bending his knees to position himself.  He pauses for one breathless instant, meeting her eyes with feral need and then he’s plunging into her, his groan as loud and unrestrained as her own.  

It’s fast and fevered, single words all either of them are capable of – words like more, need, now, please – and then she’s tumbling, one trembling leg falling from his hip as he pushes her through it, ending the crazed mating with a final ‘fuck’ that is gasped out against her ear.  

She nearly crumples when she tries to support her own weight, her leg so shaky that it doesn’t have the strength to hold her up but he steadies her, his forehead and nose planted against hers as they both struggle to breathe.  His hand runs up her torso until his thumb glances over her cheek and he kisses her one more time, a barely-there kiss that makes her heart stutter.  It’s tender and sweet and she strokes his cheek in return, a tremulous smile shared between them.

A breeze makes its way into their little corner and glances across the sweat slickened skin of her neck and she jolts, dragging a half groan, half whimper from him that makes her smile widen.  He eases out and lets her skirt fall back between them, burying his nose in her neck as she chuckles.

“What has you amused, love?” he asks.

She meets his eyes, and thank all the world, there’s no trace of sadness left in them.  “Jeff was right,” she teases, running her finger down his cheek, “making up can be… fun.”

He huffs out a laugh.  “Why don’t we go make up again in the warmth of our cabin?”

“Mmmmm, sounds perfect.”

K&EK&EK&E

It’s hours later and Killian still hasn’t slept, his body exhausted but his mind reeling as he stares at the chest sitting on the ledge near their feet.  Emma is lying next to him, the peaceful cadence of her breathing keeping time with his heartbeat while he fiddles with the ends of her hair through his fingers.

He’s part of her magic – and that magic depends on them being close emotionally.  And she’s going to need that magic to defeat Regina – which means he can’t risk anything driving a wedge between them until after that happens.  And that means, no matter how much he wants to stop living this lie, he can’t tell her.  Not yet.  There’s too much at stake to take the chance on her reaction.  

He’ll get her to her father.   He’ll stand with her against the Evil Queen.  He’ll do whatever it takes to help David free Snow from her curse and see his King and Queen back on their rightful thrones.  Then he’ll tell her and hope she doesn’t turn him away.  Until then, he’ll do his best to keep her safe and happy.

Tearing his eyes off the chest, he relaxes in behind Emma, tracing his fingers down her arm and settling his hand on her hip.  She sighs softly in sleep and he presses a feather-light kiss against the back of her bare shoulder.

“I love you, Emma,” he whispers, and even though she can’t hear him, his heart feels lighter just by saying the words aloud.  

By the time he falls asleep, the sun is peeking over the horizon.

K&EK&EK&E

David stares out the window facing the ocean with a mixture of joy and trepidation, his eyes straining through the morning fog to see the masts on the ships as they come and go with the tides.  He knows it would be next to impossible for Emma to arrive so quickly but he can’t help but watch for his daughter’s appearance.  

His mind wanders as he scans the harbor, his eyes losing focus and letting his head fall back.  He’s been preparing for this for years, formulated plan after plan, gone through scenario after scenario.  There are so many moving parts, so many things to accomplish – and time is running out.  The closer they get to Emma’s birthday, the more anxious he becomes.  

He’s always been a worrier, something Snow used to tease him about on a regular basis.  She’d been very fond of coming up behind him while he stood on their balcony, his eyes unfocused on the horizon like he’s doing now.  She’d wrap her arms around his waist and tell him to come to bed, assuring him he would come up with the answer in time, the complete faith in her voice making him believe it, too.  Gods, he misses her.  He misses her mischievous smile and her cunning wit, her smooth skin under his fingers and her hand in his.  If he closes his eyes, he can almost feel her, her temple resting on his back between his shoulder blades as she wraps her arms around him like she did then.  

The memory brings a tear to his eye and he presses his hand to his stomach in the exact spot where hers would be clasped together if she were really here.  Breathing long and deep, he imagines turning to face her, You worry too much, Charming.  Stop trying to plan everything.  One step at a time, that’s what we need to focus on.  Just consider the next step.  

When he opens his eyes again, he’s calmer, the memory of her unerring hope making his heart settle.  She’d always had complete faith in him and now is not the time to lose that.  They’ll be together again soon, he’ll wake her from the curse and they’ll be a family.  

But first, the next step:  Find the dagger and reunite the blades.

It’s frustrating that he can’t be the one out searching for the legendary weapon but he knows he can’t.  Arthur can roam the realms freely whereas David would be hunted mercilessly if he were to leave the haven of Camelot.  But, dammit, he hates being cooped up like this.  

Still, if there’s one thing he’s sure Arthur of Camelot is capable of doing it’s fulfilling his own destiny to complete Excalibur.  He just wishes it could have been fulfilled years before.  But, according to the message they received yesterday, Arthur is now certain he’s found the dagger’s hiding place and it’s just a matter of time before he returns with his long-sought-after prize.

Emma will need the sword.  Everything hinges on it.  According to legend, Excalibur is the most powerful magical object in the world which, once whole, has the power to strip the magic from anyone who possesses it.  One cut is all it takes.  He’d been pessimistic at first, worried that such a weapon could be used to strip Emma’s powers, but he couldn’t deny the advantage it would give them – especially when he’d learned that Regina had been searching for the dagger as well.  Of course, Regina doesn’t have either half, and they’ve already got one, so her search for the dagger must have been for the sole purpose of keeping it away from its mate.  

But that doesn’t matter now.  It looks like Arthur has won the race and Lance is on his way right now to fetch the Promethean Flame that they’d found and hidden years ago.  Things are finally starting to come together.  Emma and Killian have been reunited.  The dagger will be their possession soon.  They have the spark Emma will use to reunite the blades.  Emma has her magic and she’s on her way here.  

Emma is on her way here.  

He draws a deep breath, once again imagining their reunion – and that’s where the joy and trepidation come from.  He longs to see her again and he wants more than anything for their reunion to be a happy one.  And it will be.  He’s determined that it will be. Perhaps Arthur’s idea for a ball is good thing.  One night of peace and happiness before he has to tell her what she’s destined for.  

He’s imagined telling her for years, played out every possible scenario in his head over and over again, and while he can’t wait to hold her in his arms again, he also knows that it’s finally time to tell her the thing he’s been keeping from her since her birth and he worries how she will react.  She’ll probably be angry at first, feeling betrayed that she was never told.  He prays fervently that she’ll understand why they kept it from her, prays that she’ll forgive him once he tells her all of their reasons.

He and Snow had made the decision together to keep her in the dark.  They’d prepared as best they could without telling her of the prophecy and her roll in it, both deciding that she deserved a normal childhood free of the burden the knowledge would give her.  Still, they were relieved when she took so easily to being trained in archery and swordplay, her love of adventure making them tasks she enjoyed so much that they were spared from forcing them on her and, inevitably, being forced themselves to tell her why she’d need such skills.  

Later, as she grew into a young woman, they’d considered telling her again, but couldn’t bring themselves to do it.  She was always so determined and spirited, and telling her the importance of finding her True Love would have set her on a mission.  And, knowing their daughter as well as they did, they feared she would put a little too much effort into something that should happen naturally.  They didn’t want her to analyze every man she met, weighing her feelings on some preconceived notion of what True Love is supposed to be.  

Then she’d met Killian.  It had been obvious almost right from the start that she’d been enamored with him and, as their relationship blossomed, neither he nor Snow could find it in themselves to give her – or him, for that matter – the dire news.  So, they’d continued to keep their silence, trying to enjoy the beauty of watching their daughter fall in love – even while that beauty was marred by the knowledge weighing on them.  

The night Killian had requested a private audience with him had been one of the best and worst of his life.  The honorable Lieutenant wanted to marry his daughter and he’d given his blessing willingly, but the entire time he’d been filled with dread.  The prophecy said they should never part and Killian was a naval officer, out to sea more frequently than he was on land with Emma.  So, he’d insisted on Killian leaving the navy, offered him a promotion in rank to stay and join the army instead to keep him close.  And it had worked.  Killian had been just as eager to stay with Emma as David had been to have him stay.  

Later that evening, after he and Snow had settled in for the night, he’d held her close while she wept, the knowledge that their time was running out now too obvious to ignore.  They’d resolved to wait until after the wedding, when the blissfully ignorant couple returned from their honeymoon, to sit them down and tell them of the fate that had been prophesied so long ago.  And, in the meantime, they would tell all of their most trusted friends, enlist the aid of all those loyal and discreet to form a plan to keep the young couple happy while also keeping them safe.  

They’d thought they’d accounted for everything.  They’d thought their plan was sound.  Secret passages had been added to the castle, horses were kept saddled at all times in preparation.  Rendezvous points were established; provisions were hidden all over the kingdom in case hasty exits were required.  August and Liam had worked together endlessly to arrange transport and safe houses, places only the two of them would know about so that when the time came, there would be no way to torture or coerce the locations out of anyone else.  And it should have worked.  Even as David had watched that balcony collapse, he’d still believed it would work.  As long as they were alive and they had August and Liam, there would be nothing to worry about…  

Then the unthinkable had occurred.  Not only were they separated, but Killian and Liam had been captured by Regina’s soldiers and both had been executed – or at least that’s what he’d been told.  

He wishes he knew what really happened that day.  He should have asked Killian before he sent him for Emma.  Obviously, Graham had been lying, but had he been lying about all of it?  What had really prompted Snow to eat that apple?  What had happened Liam?  Why did Regina believe Killian was dead?

He wrestles with those questions a little longer as he watches another ship appear in the harbor.  It’s not Emma, but one day soon it will be and, on that day, he’ll get the answers he’s looking for and be forced to deliver answers himself.  

Joy and trepidation, indeed.

K&EK&EK&E

The sun is high when he awakes and the bed beside him is empty.  Groggily, he rolls over and wipes his hand over his face.

“Good morning, sleepy head.  Or should I say ‘good afternoon?’”

Following the sound of her voice, he sees Emma sitting at his desk, looking over one of his maps.  She folds it quickly and returns it to its holder before standing and crossing to him.  She’s already dressed and he wonders how late it actually is.  

“Did you sleep well?”

No, he didn’t.  He tossed and turned, plagued with disjointed dreams of Emma and the Evil Queen, their magic locked in an epic battle of white and purple streams of light shooting in every direction while he tried to move… tried to help… But his heart was weighed down, his chest bearing a heavy burden that made his movements sluggish as he struggled to get to Emma’s side.  He’d awoken in a cold sweat, the image of Emma collapsing and Regina’s deranged glee as she stood over Emma and produced a fire ball seared into his eyes.

“Fine, love.  What time is it?”

“Nearly lunchtime,” she replies, taking a seat next to him on the bed and laying her hand on his bare chest.  “Are you hungry?  I could go get it and bring it back if you’d like.”

Her fingers are tracing patterns over his collarbone and his body reacts without his permission.  Groaning, he sits up and rubs his lips over hers, “Do that and we may never get out of this cabin today, love.”

He feels her smile against his mouth, her thumb running playfully over his nipple, “As much as I’d enjoy that, Dopey is already warming up for his next fencing lesson.”

The words have barely passed her lips when she ducks down and sucks on the nipple she’d just brushed and he falls back to the bed, tucking his hand in her hair to bring her down with him.  He watches her tongue dart out, his hand fisting when she applies more pressure.  

“Darling, you’re bloody amazing, but we shouldn’t…” he grits out, his actions defying his words by gripping more tightly in her hair to hold her to him.  

Closing his eyes, he arches his back and revels in her talented mouth, the tendrils of desire licking across his skin when she uses her teeth in a gentle nip.  Bloody fuck, his heart is already pounding and she’s only barely touched him, her light moan a siren’s song he’d happily drown in.  Her mouth moves to his neck as her hand traces down through the hair on his chest until it’s only inches from where he’s already growing hard.  She hesitates and he sucks in a breath, her boldness apparently not quite enough to lower it further.  Instead, she averts it to his hip, and it takes all his willpower not to grab it and move it back.

His breathing is heavy in his ears and it takes longer than it should for him to realize her weight is no longer on him and that she is, in fact, sitting up again with a mischievous smile playing at the corner of her lips.  

“I just wanted to make sure you were awake,” she says cheekily and then she’s standing, tossing him his shirt and trousers while his senses are still reeling.

“I’ll meet you at the helm for lunch,” she nearly sing-songs as she walks to the door.  “We wouldn’t want to disappoint Dopey.”

He shakes himself back into reality as soon as the door shuts, his lips curling at her underhanded tactics.  She’s more pirate than she’d care to admit.

When he joins her at the helm a few minutes later, she gives him a secret smile and he kisses it right off of her mouth with a loud smack and a louder chuckle.  But as they settle in to eat, her playful demeanor slowly morphs into a nervous expression, biting at her lower lip.  He considers asking what’s wrong but doesn’t, hoping that whatever has caused the change is something she’ll voice on her own.  And, as is the way of his princess, she does, looking to him with nervous eyes.

“Killian?”

“Yes, love?”

“About our visit to Portsmouth…” she hedges, obviously trying to avoid an argument but nonetheless making sure he knows this matter is far from over.  “I tried the glamour spell again this morning and it's still not working.”

“Emma…”

“I'm not angry,” she says quickly.  “Like you said yesterday, you can't help how you feel… but I… I just want you to think about something.”

There’s no way he can turn down the pleading expression she gives him.  “What’s that?” he asks.

She reaches across and lays her hand on the wrist above his hook, her voice gentle, “I know we’ve both changed, but we used to be a team – ”

“We still are, love,” he interrupts, placing his hand over hers, the action prompting her to meet his eyes.

After a beat, she tilts her head, pulling her hand from under his and sitting back in her chair to look at him with a calm but watchful expression.

“Are we?” she asks.  There’s no malice in the question, just sincere curiosity.

“Of course, we are,” he responds.

She studies him for another moment before shaking her head.  “I’m not so sure,” she says, and again, there’s not even a trace of anger in her voice, “I think, maybe, you consider me a bit…  naïve.  And maybe I am.  But I’m not as naïve as I was even a few weeks ago. I know I was protected for a long time, and you weren’t, but I’ve seen enough since we left Arendelle to understand what it is we’re up against.  And I’m not sure you’re giving me credit for that.  I think, maybe, you still see me as the princess you used to know, but I haven’t been that person in a long time.”

There’s a raw honesty in her words that makes him sit back and consider them, taking his time to truly look at this from her side.  Her nerves are gone now, replaced with an expectant and earnest expression as she waits for his reaction.  

After several reflective seconds, he lays his hand palm up on the table, inviting her to take it.  She doesn’t hesitate, leaning forward to cover it with hers.  

“You’re right,” he admits slowly, watching his thumb run across her knuckles. Because she is and he hadn’t realized it until now. “I haven’t given you enough credit.  Since I found you again, my first priority has been to protect you.  And I guess that protectiveness has… blinded me a bit.”

He hears her shudder out a relieved breath and he raises his eyes, twisting his hand and linking their fingers together.  

“We are a team, love,” he assures her, “We’re stronger together.  Even without magic, we’ve always been stronger together.  And I’m sorry I forgot that.”

She shakes her head to let him know the apology isn’t necessary, squeezing his hand in thanks.  

“And, as a team,” he adds, “I think we should visit Portsmouth together.”

“Really?” she asks almost sheepishly.

“Really,” he replies.

Her grin is near blinding – but not nearly as blinding as the light that immediately sparks between their hands.  He chuckles softly, closing his eyes against it as their magic spreads through his chest.  He draws a deep breath, embracing the warmth of it filling his veins before reopening his eyes, fully expecting to see the face of a stranger sitting before him.  When she comes into focus, however, his brow furrows.  It’s still Emma before him and she obviously realizes it didn’t work from the look on his face.

“You still see me?” she asks with disappointment but he doesn’t have time to reply before Ruby’s voice calls across the deck.

“You did it, Emma!” Ruby exclaims, rushing up the stairs to join them.  

Emma’s eyes shoot back to him and she gives him a surprised but delighted smile.  She starts to say something but is interrupted when Ruby pulls her from her chair, insisting that she do a quick spin so she can examine her closely.  “Nice job!  Gwen’s own mother wouldn’t be able to tell the two of you apart.”

The two hug enthusiastically, both laughing before Ruby breaks away.  She glances between the two of them with a smile that looks almost like pride then steps back.  

“Well, I’ll just go and tell the others, shall I?” she says.  Then without waiting or a response, she’s off again in a flurry of red skirts.

Once she’s disappeared, Emma turns back to him, bending at the waist to where their eyes are level and bracketing her arms around his neck.  

“Thank you,” she says with soft sincerity, then surges forward to place a chaste but firm kiss on his mouth.

“I didn’t do anything,” he tells her.

“You believed in us,” she replies, “that’s all it took.”

She’s pushing his chair back in the next second, giving herself enough room to plop down on his lap and hug him fiercely and he laughs into her neck.  After planting several kisses on each of his cheeks, she sits up, directing his eyes to hers with her thumb on his chin.

“You do still see me, don’t you?”

“Aye.  You can’t hide from me, princess.”

“As if I would ever want to.”