#what am i gonna do with myself now that i finished it mannn | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

snarkwrites · 3 years ago

Text

ssw | embry call; you don’t have to be gentle. | mature.

NOTES:

So... This is the final part to the little mini story with Embry and Merisa... For now. Mayhaps I’ll revisit them from time to time, who knows. If you’re still with me after that downer of a cliffhanger ending yesterday, I’m happy -surprised, but oh so happy, and I truly hope you enjoy this because I enjoyed writing this.

I had to fight myself tooth and nail NOT to turn this into an alpha/omega + imprinting thing, btw. But I managed not to.

PROMPTS:

Prompts used for these six sexy words one shots are either taken from [here] or [here] at my choosing. I don’t take requests for characters / prompts for these but... If you just want to send me requests, I do take headcanon requests, fluff and filth alphabet letters. [ request rules / fandoms here ]

The prompts I used here are as follows: Claim me. Mark me. Own me + You don’t have to be gentle.

FANDOM/CHARACTER:

Twilight, Embry Call x Imprint!OFC, Merisa.

OTHER PARTS:

For those of you who want to see them... This whole series kinda turned into my own self indulgent thing, tbh? Anyway:

[ he looks down. she looks up. ] | [ let me take care of you ] | [ everything about her turns me on ] | [ when he says your name ] | [ when whispered words leave you breathless ]

WARNINGS:

{NSFW CONTENT. NO MINORS.} consensual but unprotected sex between two adults, oral sex - male giving, biting / marking, body fluids & that’s pretty much it.

Minors, this was not written for you. You shouldn’t be reading it. If you are and you stumble upon something upsetting or that you can’t handle after being clearly warned here... That’s on you, lovelies. Not me. Nobody made you keep reading.

TAGGING:

@kyleoreillysknee is the only person on my Twilight tag list. If you’d like to be added to it, ( I’m gonna be writing more for them most likely, I’ve been feeling it lately, idk mannn..) please let me know or add yourself to the doc linked below. If you’re not on my taglists, you won’t be tagged, fyi.

OTHER STUFF:

[ faq | feel free to send me stuff | sfw masterlist | nsfw masterlist no minors. | taglist doc ]

I haven’t seen Embry in a little over two weeks, since the night of the carnival. I still can’t get my head around what he showed me and what I now know but I do know one thing… Not seeing him has been really, really hard for me.

I’d almost given up on it, if I’m being totally honest. I had to fight the urge to go to him almost daily. I kept telling myself if he wanted to see me, he’d come to me. That I’d probably messed everything up with my reaction.

If I hadn’t before that, going overboard with the flirting.

My grandmother’s voice cut through my thoughts and I looked up from the television set. Pausing the episode of General Hospital I had recorded to see what she wanted or needed. Managing my best smile even though lately, that’s the last thing I’ve felt like doing lately.

“Don’t you get tired of laying around here, moping?” she asked as she stepped into the room. Shaking her head as she grabbed the remote and used it to turn off the little television. “Get out there. Go do something. I don’t care what it is, mermaid.”

I pouted at her, letting my mouth drop open as I pretended to be shocked and hurt by her suggestion. “Are you seriously telling me you don’t love me anymore?”

“You know that’s not true. That’s not what I said at all.” my grandmother sat down. I gave a soft laugh and spoke up. “I know, I was kidding. I just… I haven’t been in the mood lately.” I shrugged it off as if it were nothing.

“If you’re moping over that bum in Seattle, mermaid, he’s not worth a second more of your time and energy.”

“Oh. Trust me, I know. This has nothing to do with that. I’m just kind of… Resting.” my original thought pattern was maybe if I offered up the few injuries and aches I had left up for an excuse, she wouldn’t push for anything more than that.

Because it’s been a little over two weeks and I still can’t fully process what happened that night. Or how badly my lack of an actual reaction and how easily I gave in and let him bring me home might have made a mess of everything. I didn’t even try to push him into talking about everything. Explaining what it all meant.

I didn’t know how I’d even begin to explain anything to my grandmother without sounding like I was losing my goddamn mind if I’m being perfectly honest.

“In order to rest, one needs to actually do something first. What’s really going on, hm?” my grandmother wouldn’t be my grandmother if she didn’t push on regardless. I sighed and shrugged. “ I’m just dealing with everything that happened.”

“Mhm?” she was trying to get me to keep talking but I went quiet. Sighing. Telling her it was stupid and most likely, I was just fully comprehending my mother’s death. Which wasn’t a lie. My memory was almost fully back now. I could remember everything. Including the fact that the years leading up to her death, she and I had a very strained relationship… Because like my grandmother and I tried to do so many times with her over the years whenever she’d get all wrapped up in the actual worst kind of man or circumstance, she was trying to steer me away from Greg and rather than listen to her, knowing she had more experience in life than I did, I chose to isolate myself. I chose to tell her time and again that I was an adult and that Greg wasn’t all the men she’d gotten entangled with during my childhood. So the last few months I could’ve been mending fences and reconnecting with her were spent in tension filled occasional check in texts or calls instead.

Like mother, like daughter. That thought came bitterly and it hurt like hell to acknowledge. Because my mom went to her grave with the relationship between her and my grandmother totally unresolved. Because like she attempted with me about Greg, my grandmother tried and tried again with my mother and her choices. Only interfering one time. And that one time was because it was a question of my safety. And this cost my grandmother a relationship with my mother because nothing was the same after that summer.

I explained all of this to my grandmother and as I finished, she hugged me and sighed. “You can’t hold this in for the rest of your life, mermaid. But I know that is only a large part of whatever has you so down… and given that I haven’t seen a certain mechanic around at all in nearly three weeks, I’m going to assume that things didn’t go well on your date?”

“Oh, they went… Right up to the point where I proceeded to get impatient, want what I want and push the line…” - a half truth was better than nothing.. Because if I hadn’t laid it all on the line, he wouldn’t have felt so bad about keeping what he had to keep from me.

,, stop doing that. You can’t be blamed for everything. You were shocked. You’re still trying to figure out how to react to what you know… But if you wait too long..” the thought came and like usual, I tried to shove it down again.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning that I went overboard. I told him how I felt. I poured it on entirely too thick and I probably scared him off.” - taking the blame was infinitely easier than explaining the full truth to my grandmother. How did I even begin to tell her what I knew? And on top of that, the fact remained that I wasn’t supposed to tell. And if you’re not his imprint, you’re not even meant to know to begin with.” that thought surfaced.

And it hit me. When he showed me the wolf side that night, he’d been telling me so much more than that.

And my reaction?

While a natural one, probably wasn’t the best one to go with. I should’ve at least made him fucking talk to me. Explain everything. I should’ve pushed for him to tell me everything instead of agreeing to come home that night.

“Fuck.” I buried my face in my hands.

Why couldn’t I have realized that tidbit say, almost three weeks ago? Before it was probably too late to try and fix everything?

“Language, mermaid.”

“Oh, trust me, grandma. This is definitely a situation worth the F bomb.” I muttered, shaking my head as I laughed at my own stupidity.

“Maybe it can be fixed?”

“Oh, I doubt that.”

“You say you’ve realized how short life is thanks to your mother dying and nearly losing your own. All I’m hearing is that you haven’t learned anything, mermaid. How will you know if you don’t try?”

I took a deep breath. Mulling over what she said because honestly, she wasn’t wrong…

And then, before I could stop myself, I was standing. Bolting down the hall and into my old bedroom. The first thing I did was take an actual shower. Then I threw on that sundress. And before I could change my mind or talk myself out of it, I bolted out the door, right past where my grandmother sat, watching her soaps. She called out after me, “I won’t wait up, mermaid.”

I didn’t stop running until I stood on his front porch. Banging on the door.

“Open the door you stubborn ass man. Open the door and listen to me.”

Not a sound.

Not even a hint that he might be home.

I sighed and stared at the door for a few seconds.

Sitting down on the wooden bench to the left of it. Laughing at myself because naturally, I’d finally stop dragging my feet and do something to fix this if I could and he wouldn’t be home.

“I am such a fucking idiot, I swear to God.” I sighed, resting my head on the top of my knees.

I sat like that for a few minutes. Then I heard a motorcycle approaching in the distance. And the fight or flight kicked in all over again. But I fought back against it. Rooted to where I sat.

Determined.

Watching his motorcycle get closer to his house. My heart about to beat right out of my chest. But underneath the excitement.. Calm. Like I was doing the right thing, even if it did turn out to be too late.

The motorcycle came to a stop in his driveway. He hadn’t noticed me yet. I knew the second he did because his entire body tensed. His eyes darted around in every direction before finally settling on me. Intent. A little stunned, from what I could tell.

“So..” I called out, going quiet shortly after because I just didn’t know what to say. I had no idea where to even start.

“What are you doing here?” Embry asked the question quietly. Not in an angry or annoyed way, but more or less in a tone of defeat. Like he’d given up on me coming around ever again. “You saw what I am…” he went quiet. Up the stairs in the blink of an eye.

Towering over me. Keeping his distance but I could tell he wanted to be closer. I knew I wanted him closer. Every part of me was literally crying out for it. I needed him.

Wolf form and all, Embry Call is the man I love.

“And I don’t care, actually.” I admitted after a long and heavy pause. “I mean, I care.. But the fact that you happen to transform under the light of the moon doesn’t bother me. It’s.. Gonna take some getting used to.”

He blinked in shock as he processed what I’d just said. As soon as it sank in, he stepped closer. Filling the space between us. His hips pinning my lower body between his body and the wall my back was pressed firmly against. He raised a hand, resting it palm down against the wall as he stared down at me. Quiet.

“I know it’s probably too late and I should’ve.. I don’t know, I should’ve done literally anything but what I did the night you showed me the wolf but.. I’m losing my goddamn mind, okay? I.. I can’t think about anything else. I was really in love with you, okay? And I still am. And damn it, when you absolutely shut down and refused to let me…” my words were cut off by a thick digit pressing against my lips to silence me.

He swallowed hard, his eyes leaving mine and settling on my lips. “Wait.. you love me..” he muttered in a daze. Bringing his eyes back up to settle on mine. His body molding completely against mine as he leaned in closer.

“What part of that did you miss? Because I’ll happily say it. Over and over. Until it gets through your stubborn rock skull. This whole you turning into a wolf thing is.. Look. It’s a lot, okay? But it’s not too much. Not when I need you and I love you... I know what I want. And I’m not leaving until we’ve at least talked.”

“What do you want, huh?” Embry asked. Staring down at me expectantly. Waiting on an answer.

“You. I want you. Wolf and all.” I answered quietly, my gaze dropping. Settling on worn floorboards beneath my dirty and bare feet. Embry followed my gaze down and snickered quietly to himself.

“Woman, where the fuck are your shoes?” he glanced up at me, shaking his head. Grumbling about the fact that I wasn’t wearing any shoes. And I knew him well enough to know that this was Embry, stalling. Because he didn’t know what to say or do.

“Look. I came down here on a mission. I didn’t have time to stop and grab shoes, damn it.”

“Baby, why..” Embry chuckled, the beginnings of a grin forming on his face as he guided my face up so that I had no choice but to look at him. “ I know you came down here on a mission but seriously? There’s broken glass in the road.”

“I’m pretty tough. I mean.. I did live through a pretty wicked car accident.” I bit my lip, staring up at his mouth helplessly. Swallowing hard and getting wet when one glance into his eyes clearly revealed that yes, he’d caught me doing so.

“Yeah, don’t remind me about that, okay? I don’t even wanna..think about that night again.” he went quiet. Ghosting his free hand up and down my side before letting it rest against my hip. Using his grip to pull me against him. I melted into him with zero thought or hesitation. And then, I happened to put my full weight down on my left foot and promptly swear to myself quietly. “Son of a bitch. Ouch.” I raised my foot and the light glistened off of a practically microscopic shard of glass lodged in the skin.

Wordlessly, Embry scooped me up. Carrying me into his house. Sitting me down on his sofa. My eyes darted around the place, smiling softly to myself at all the pictures and the way it felt almost equally as cozy and like home as my grandmother’s little house did.

And before I could stop myself, I was imagining a future with him. Something I hadn’t dared ever do before. Something that suddenly occurred to me, I wanted.

Embry walked back into the living room with peroxide, a wash rag and tweezers and I pouted, shaking my head. “This can wait.” I protested. Tried to pull my foot away, but Embry got a firm grip on it, resting it between his thighs. Holding it still as he looked down at it, inspecting it closely until he found the tiny glass shard.

“Okay, look at me.” Embry guided my gaze up to meet his. Then he looked down. “Don’t stop looking at me, okay? And do not move your foot. Stop moving, Merisa or I’m never gonna get this out, baby.” Embry muttered in an even and firm tone. Stopping to look up at me with one of the most commanding looks I’d ever seen him give.

“It’s..” I hissed as the tweezers scraped over my skin, grimacing. Gritting my teeth because apparently, it was dug in there deep. “It’s fine. It can totally wait, c’mon.”

The way he’s called me baby twice now.

I don’t dare get my hopes up, do I?

The splinter of glass came free and I unclenched myself. It hadn’t hurt that bad at all.

“Was that so bad?” he asked. Staring at me.

I shook my head.

My eyes were lost in his all over again. And the tension was back. Heavy. Filled with things we needed to say.

“Embry.” I muttered after a long and heavy silence. Embry looked up at me, biting his lip. “Yeah?”

“When I told you that I’m yours and all you have to do is try, I meant that, okay? I don’t say things I don’t mean. And all of this.. I mean… Forget it. According to the legends, if you imprint, it won’t matter anyway…” I trailed off because I realized that I’d come all the way down here on a barely thought out whim. In the hope that maybe he’d been trying to tell me so much more than simply the fact that he turned into a wolf at will.

My anxiety was starting to kick in now and I had no idea what to do or say. I didn’t even begin to know where to start. There was so much I wanted to say. So much I needed to get out.

“It will if I imprinted on you.” Embry muttered after a few seconds. Staring down at my foot in his lap intently. Taking a few long and shaky breaths. Waiting.

Now it was my turn to be shocked.

Because that’s what I’d been hoping he was trying to tell me when I bolted all the way down here in a rush earlier. But I’d braced myself to hear everything but that.

“Wait..” I trailed off. My mouth opened and closed as I raised a hand, tousling my hair and pushing it out of my eyes.

,, You were right. He told you what he was that night. He showed you because you were his imprint.” my brain was practically taunting me.

“You sound like that’s a bad thing.” I was confused.

“It’s not. I just… I never thought it would happen. Kind of convinced myself that I’d rather know I love the person I was with without that side of me coming into play…” Embry trailed off.

“Oh.” I started to stand. Thinking that he meant something entirely different than what he was getting at. I was at the front door when he pressed against me from behind. His hand covered mine. Lowering it down from the doorknob.

“Don’t go. Just.. Let me get this out.” he muttered quietly against the shell of my ear as he turned me around to face him. Putting my back against the front door with a soft smack.

“I have been driving myself crazy. I’ve been trying to tell myself that it was just the imprint. But it’s not just that. I love you. I need you, okay? I just.. I don’t want you to think that genetics are the only reason I’m with you. I wanted to take time and like.. Prove that.” Embry fidgeted a little, raising a hand to drag it through his hair. Resting that hand against my face. Dragging his thumb over my skin as he softly pressed his forehead against mine.

When his mouth met mine this time it was deep and slow. Clumsy. Needy. His hands were wandering all over me. Finally stopping to rest across my ass. Pulling me up his body.

“I know it’s not just genetics, okay? I trust you.” I answered as we pulled apart to breathe. My arms wrapped around his neck, my fingers tangling up in his hair. Using my grip to pull his mouth back against mine all over again. “I love you too. And I want to see where this goes. We can figure this out as we go. I just.. I know what I want.” I gazed at him as the kiss broke a second time and we pulled apart, panting for our next breaths. Trying to pull ourselves together.

He grinned bright at my words and I smiled too. Snuggling myself against him.

“I do too.” he answered after a second or two of little pecks and soft kisses peppered on my face and Embry touching me anywhere he could get his hands. Stepping over to the sofa and sitting down. I wrapped my legs around his waist. He pulled me as close as he could get me. Making me barely catch a whimper as I rubbed right against the way his cock strained and pushed at the jeans he was wearing. When I did it a second time on my own free will, Embry groaned. Bucking himself up into me. Fingers digging into my ass. Guiding me over the bulge before either of us really stopped to think it over or calm ourselves down.

And honestly, I didn’t want to.

Every single time I rubbed against him, I could feel myself getting wetter and wetter. Whimpering and whining. Begging. I wound up pressed against the sofa, Embry’s body settling between my legs to keep them spread. He gave a quiet growl as he stared down at me and settled in, pressing into me completely. Pinning me beneath him. But barely pressing his full weight into me, almost as if he thought he’d break me or I was made of glass.

“ You don’t have to be gentle.” I muttered as my lips danced over his neck, leaving little marks behind. He sucked in a sharp breath, gazing at me as if wanting to be absolutely sure I was okay. That I wanted to go farther.

As if I intended to stop him.

“I don’t wanna hurt you.” Embry muttered, his words coming out in labored pants.

“You won’t.” I mumbled, letting out a gasp as rough,warm hands slipped up the bottom of my little yellow dress. His palm settling against my aching wet sex. Massaging me through soaked panties. My fingers dug into the couch and his shoulder as I rocked myself up into him.

His mouth crashed against mine hungrily and his hand started to move faster. Pressing against my dripping core. The little friction it gave was just enough to make me want more. Just as I started to rock against his hand a little faster, breath catching in my throat, he started to slow down. “Easy, baby. Not yet.” he coaxed, making me pout up at him. His thumb rolled over the outline of my lips and I closed them around it, sucking. Making him growl out “Fuck.” as he bucked himself right against me. His nose pressed against my neck as he breathed in deep. My fingers dug into the cushion on the sofa just a little more. His hand settled against my cunt again, cupping. Rubbing slow and careful. So slow that the ache settled between my thighs doubled. And the more I tried to rock myself faster against his moving hand, the more he pressed his hips down into mine to attempt to keep me still. When he stopped again just as I started to get just a little closer to orgasm, I whined. Begging.

His mouth buried in mine, swallowing up the sounds. He moved his hand, growling when it came away wet. “You smell so fucking sweet. I wonder...” he mumbled lazily against my lips as the kiss came to a gradual stop, “If you taste as sweet.” gazing down at me with a hungry look in lust shot dark brown eyes as he licked his lips. I could feel my cheeks heating up. My thighs were so slick they slipped off one another if they brushed together. Embry worked my dress up over my hips. Pulling me up to finish pulling it off. Leaving me in only the pair of red panties I was wearing. He pulled away to stare. A hungry look in his eyes as they moved over my body.

My fingers curled in the hem of a thin gray tank top he was wearing and I started to work it up, letting it hit the floor of the living room once I’d pulled it over his head. He slipped off the couch, standing in front of me. His hand lowered to the waistband of his jeans after he’d kicked off heavy soled boots, letting them settle on wooden floors with a soft thump. He unfastened and unzipped his jeans, letting them hit the floor around his ankles at which point he kicked them free.

My eyes widened as I could see the size of the bulge strained against a pair of dark gray boxer briefs. ,, is he even going to fit?” the thought came, accompanied by a fresh rush of slick as it coated my panties and slicked up the insides of my thighs even more. He was lowering himself back down again, hovering over me. His forehead resting against mine as he muttered quietly, “Don’t let me hurt you.”

“Baby..” I started to argue that I knew he wouldn’t, but he shook his head and repeated himself firmly. I nodded, agreeing to let him know. He settled himself on top of me gingerly, again being too careful. Not wanting to press into me too much. But I wanted friction. I wanted to feel his body engulfing mine. Hard muscles against my soft skin. I grabbed a hold of his hips, pulling him down on top of me even more. He rutted himself against me with a low hungry growl that hung in the air between us, only drowned out by the sounds of his mouth as it worked over my body. Starting at my throat. Working down. His hands roamed up my sides, pushing my breasts together and his mouth latched on. Licking,kissing and sucking. Making me whimper his name and rock myself up into him, the ache building. Throbbing.

By the time his mouth was down to my navel, he was reaching between us, the silent rip of fabric as my favorite red panties came away, tossed to the floor of his living room; torn. I raised my hand, tugging impatiently at the waistband of his boxers and rather than deny me, he obliged, raising to his knees. Slipping off the couch to let his boxers settle on the floor. His cock sprang free, standing at attention. I swallowed hard as my eyes settled on his thick,veiny member, a quiet gasp filling the air.

He positioned himself over me again. Gingerly. Desperate to feel skin against skin completely, I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him down on top of my completely. A moan escaped my throat as soon as I felt his cock teasing at my dripping entrance. His hands were all over me, ghosting my sides. Finally settling on my hips. Rocking me over his thick,veiny length as he stared down at me, dazed.

Leaning in to whisper against the shell of my ear, “Love the way your body fits against mine, baby.” as I nodded, let my lips brush the side of his neck, latching onto skin as I tried to leave a mark, “Me too.” I muttered, gazing up at him with a soft smile. Rough hands caressed my cheek, skimming down the side of my body and Embry’s mouth danced down my neck. Teeth scraping against soft skin before locking around it. Tugging until I felt a mark forming. I moaned out, rocking myself up into him. One of my hands drifting up to tangle in his hair and tug at it, trying to pull his mouth against mine one more time, despite knowing one kiss is obviously not ever going to be enough when it comes to him.

He started to let his mouth roam over my bare body, sending goosebumps raising all over me as I felt his warm,wet tongue drag slowly over my skin. Trailing a lazy circle around my navel as he moved himself down my body. Settling between my legs, putting a leg over each shoulder as he met my gaze again. Licking his lips hungrily. Bucking against the couch in anticipation and practically growling when he glanced down and saw my thighs glistening with slick. His tongue rolled up my inner thigh, sloppy. Warm and wet and determined to lick me clean. My hand tangled in the hair on top of his head and my other hand gripped the couch as the warmth of his breath tickled bare skin. His nose bumped against my pelvic mound and I bit my lip, my back arching as his tongue circled my clit, working the throbbing bundle of nerves. The way he had my legs over his shoulder angled my hips. When his tongue buried deep in my pussy, I moaned out. Begging for more.

“Baby, ah, oh fuck.. Oh. Mmm. Right there.” I moaned out, gripping his hair and the couch tighter. Digging my heels into his back, making him bury his tongue inside my dripping sex deeper. “That feels so good, fuck.” I moaned out, rocking my hips up for him.

“Good girl. Move your hips. Fuck. You’re dripping.” Embry growled, leaving a more harsh bite against the inside of my thigh, right next to my crotch. A bite so deep I could feel the stinging bruise even after he’d backed away, glancing up at me tenderly just to make sure I was okay only to find me moaning, my head falling back as I licked my lips.

My stomach coiled and my body tensed as I started to race right into an orgasm that I knew would leave me shaking. Embry started to slow down and my eyes popped open, locking on him and the way he was positioned between my thighs below. Pouting. Begging him not to slow down. Begging him to let me let go. He rose up a little, making his way back up my body after lowering my legs. Wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. Grabbing hold of my jaw as his mouth crashed against mine and he rocked himself against me, letting his cock drag right between my throbbing folds every single time he moved.

I gripped his jaw, making him lock eyes with me. His pupils were shot and the lust filled look in his eyes when they met mine had me whimpering his name. “C’mon… Please?” I begged breathlessly, another well timed rock against me with his cock grazing between my folds and the tip sinking in drew a breathy moan out of me that shattered the silence of the room. “Embry, please. Now.”

“Now, huh?” Embry responded in a husky whisper, his lips latching onto my neck. Sucking another mark into my skin. “Don’t let me hurt you. Because I know I’m going to get carried away, baby, I.. you just feel so damn good.” Embry gasped out as he started to bury himself inside me deep. Going still once I was impaled on his thick,veiny member. Pressing little soft kisses against my warm skin as he let me adjust to the way he stretched and overfilled me. After a few seconds, the feeling of being stretched almost too much subsided and I started to slowly rock my hips into him. Whimpering and moaning as he started to drive into me slow and deep. Nearly pulling out completely with each thrust just to bury himself deep inside all over again. When my stomach coiled all over again, I rocked my hips faster. Trying to chase the orgasm he’d been denying me. Embry’s hands gripped my hips, slowing them almost to a grinding halt and I whimpered, begging.

“Not yet, baby.” he muttered. Raising to his knees. Bringing my legs up to my chest. Both hands on my hips as he pumped me up and down on his cock until I was moaning his name over and over, clinging to him when he came to a complete stop. Frustrated as hell because I’d been so close and Embry stopped again. A tear of frustration trickled down my cheek and Embry caught it with his finger. Licking his lips as he muttered quietly, “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you, okay? Let go for me. C’mon, baby..” he started to pump himself in and out harder, faster.. The smack of skin against skin shattering the quiet. “C’mon. Let go, baby.” as he pushed me back against the couch, pinning me all over again. His hips smacking against mine erratically, the sound echoing off the walls. “That’s it.” he growled as I clenched around him, dangerously close to my orgasm shattering through, “Fuck. you’re so tight. Wet...Fuck, baby.”

My orgasm ripped through me, leaving me a dripping,whimpering mess, clinging to him. Trying to catch my breath. My hips meeting his as best as I could as I let him fuck me through the high of it. My nails caught in his skin and raked down his back, pulling a moan out of him as he buried his mouth against mine, muttering quietly, “You feel so so good. So good, baby. Don’t..” he groaned as his thrusts became sloppier. Slower in a desperate attempt to keep himself from getting off, “Ah, oh god. Mmm.” his hands gripped my hips tight, slamming me up and down on his cock as he bottomed out, striking against my throbbing,sensitive spot, pulling a loud whimper out of me in the process. “Baby.” he panted, locking eyes with me, “I’m so close. So close, fuck.”

“Don’t stop. Embry, please.” my back arched as his thrusts got even sloppier. Faster. So hard they were almost bruising each time his hips slammed against mine mid-thrust. “You sure?” he muttered against the shell of my ear, glancing down at me.

“Embry, fuck. Ah, fuck. Baby, don’t stop. Feels so good baby. Mmm, yeah.” I moaned out, my back arching away from the bed, my chest dragging over his as I clung to him. Trying to rock my hips urgently to keep him moving. Blinded by lust. My nails digging into his shoulder and dragging down his back lightly. Pulling a growl out of him that was swallowed by the hungry crash of our mouths against each others as his hips sputtered and I felt his cock throbbing. Emptying. Filling me full.

After it was over, he planted soft kisses all over my face and neck and I pulled him down on top of me. He flipped us so that he was the one laying below, his arms locking around my body to hold me in place on top of him as I crashed my mouth against his all over again.

His eyes settled on the bites and nips he left behind and he grimaced, gingerly dragging his finger over the deepest one on the side of my neck. “I told you not to let me hurt you.”

“If it hurt, Embry, I would’ve told you. I’m not made of glass, baby.”

He eyed me, almost as if he were afraid I was just saying it. I gave a soft giggle and after wiggling around a little to get comfortable, I rubbed my nose against his, making him laugh. Stare up at me in awe only to burst into laughter when I settled on the couch next to him, purring in content, “I am.. Definitely going to get used to this. Mhm, yes I am.” through a sleepy yawn.

“Me too, babe.” Embry pulled me closer, letting my head rest against his chest. An arm wrapped around me tight after pressing his lips against my forehead...

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nyrator · 7 years ago

Photo

I survived NYCcccccc

somehowwwww

I am still half dead and completely tired (to the point I was almost falling asleep standing up that my coworkers were like “take the rest of the day off and sleep”)

this trip was a gongshow and a trip and went about as well as I anticipated it would, but it was still fun overall minus body pain, blisters, and the sleep deprivation

kinokuniya is wonderful

OKAY WHERE TO START...

okay. So, yeah. Let’s start with the beginning. Friend T wanted to go to NYC for someone’s birthday, we settled on mine. Original plan was on my birthday, just five people: me, three guys, one girl, but the girl had just started a new job so we figured we better not interrupt. So four, but then Friend C (the driver) was all “we should have five people to get the most out of it” and I was like “yeah I could see us all splitting gas that way okay that works”, then towards the scheduled date we realized “wait C you have to work this day because it’s like your black friday” “... oh.” and of course they wouldn’t give him this off so we had no driver so we rescheduled for the 20th because we remembered Zelda Symphony was on the 20th in that month and most people were okay with Zelda.

Of course, ordered five tickets, got replacement for girl (A), people were like “we can’t be roaming around during rush hour what do we do” and I was like “mute girl anime movie?” “no” “blah blah blah?” “no” “escape room” “... yeah okay I guess that’s cool”, so escape room it was (came to roughly 57 dollars a Zelda ticket and 37 dollars for Escape Room, per person).

Then one friend had to cancel because his job wouldn’t let him, and we had no other replacements, so yeah we went with four people (he still paid me back half the money and promised the rest later and I feel really bad about that especially since I figured he’d probably be the best at the escape room out of all of us and would appreciate a lot of these places we went to)

also before that the driver C’s car broke down, was expensive and he wouldn’t come (but would DRIVE us still which is like at that point come along and don’t waste the ticket), so I convinced him by paying for his NYC things, then A was getting sick, then two days T who was super into this trip lost his wallet with his ID (and he wanted to go barhopping a bit and other things), and yeah it was a trainwreck from start to finish.

anyway yeah, so in the end it was me, T (friend I usually hang out with who has similar tastes to me, aka likes anime), C (big luff of a strange creature, also the driver), and A (friend I didn’t go to high school with but knew C and is a big NYC and movie buff but barely into anime at all), and plan was:

Go to NYC and survive

Be ready by 7:30AM and on the road by 8AM

explore a list of locations in two sections of NYC, at 1:30 we’d go to the southern part

go to Escape Room and Zelda Symphony

survive and be home by like 2AM latest

so yeah, let’s see

We were originally going to eat breakfast at home, but then two friends who cancelled wanted to have breakfast at McDonalds before we left (I already ate so yeah) Wait until like 8:30AM, then C finally calls and is like “I got into a car accident”, thankfully he was okay but he had to file a police report and yeahh it was just a fender bender thankfully.

Anyway, picked up at 9AM, hang out with two friends (turns out Girl totally could have come but she didn’t know what was going on and so didn’t get a chance to put in for the day off so I was stuck with those other three losers instead and was sad)

so probably by like 9:30-10AM we head off to the wonderful world of NYC (it’s like a 2-3 hour drive) and yeah pretty normal drive (I SAW A HUGE FIELD OF DYING SUNFLOWERS (first pic) AND IT WAS SAD BUT NEAT BUT SAD, never saw a dead sunflower and disappointing I missed them when they were alive but fascinating to see them all dead)

so yeah we parked in NJ, got on the subway for about a half hour, and then made our way to first stop: Image Anime! (second pic). I was gonna take pictures of all the stores we went to, but NYC is fast and people move fast so I was like “yeah no way am I going to have an opportunity for that”.

It was a neat little store, full of nice anime figures. I was on their website before and was disappointed that they sold out of all the figures I would’ve bought (Kaiji... nendoroids like SZS Nozomu, Nichijou Nano/Hakase, Etna/Flonne...), but yeah friends mostly saved money here and waited (though T who is the most figure-focused of us bought a Satsuki figma)

Anyway, we left this store around 1:30PM (!), so yeah a liiittle behind schedule.

Next stop was J&L Game, nicer than I thought it’d be (I should’ve taken a picture for Girl because it had a nice Pikachu in the front but yeahh), not a very focused GameCube selection (I know their online store had Cubivore for like 700 dollars and cheaper games like Metroid Prime for like 40, whaaat), but mann they had a lot of retro games and collectibles, T was impressed at all the sealed copies they had and A bought an N64 game (Body Harvest I think)

anyway, yeah, nothing that caught my eye immediately so we mostly waited for C and A to be done shopping in a gift shop next store, then headed off to my main attraction- Kirokuniya.

And boy, it did not disappoint. I can’t describe how amazing this place was- From the outside, it’s a typical skyscraper-y building, with Kirokuniya in silver letters. Inside was a giant Japanese-based selection of books- my eye immediately saw the Hello Kitty 2018 diary near the front, and since I’ve been in dire need of a dream-diary, I snatched it up.

But man, it was amazing- We were running low on time, so I didn’t explore nearly as much as I would’ve wanted to, but mannn it was fantastic. Probably got there around 2PM-ish if not earlier, but boy it was something to explore. T really wants to learn Japanese with me, so we glimpsed at educational books, but didn’t get anything

Then we went upstairs- oh boy. All manga- mostly Japanese. AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE THIRD PICTURE, THEY HAD ODETTE AND I WAS THIS CLOSE TO PICKING IT UP, until I saw it was the fourth volume and didn’t have a chance to glimpse over for the others since we were leaving when I saw it

First thing I saw was a My Private Report advertisement which also made me go “aaaaaaa”, I only browsed shortly so couldn’t find signs of the other manga she made, but yesss. Also a nice figure selection over there, not Image Anime level but still good size. ALSO I FOUND THE ASANO INIO SECTION and I almost bought everything there, I could’ve had the rainbow Punpun collection in Japanese and also DDDD WAS THERE WITH THE SHIRT AND EVERYTHING but I bit my tongue and held back, but mannn I should’ve gotten that shirt edition in hindsight.

Went to the information desk looking for CTRL+T, guy there was pretty rude-ish but yeah, told me “You know this has been out of print for seven years, right?” And I was like “well I knew it existed seven years ago but I figured I might as well ask since I thought a ton of stuff in here would be out of print by now”, at least internally, so online it is for that then

Ended up picking up the Satoshi Kon artbook instead as an excuse to say I got something, also because y’know Satoshi Kon art. I forget if I went to the basement before or after the cafe, but there was a basement too that we were like “okay we have no time to explore anymore, let’s just glimpse at it” and so me and T did and right on the stairwell he’s like “look, I’ve found your section” or something like that, and I’m like ???, looking at some makeup or something and like “okayy” but then I get closer to the bottom and through the stairs I see what he saw

a line of My Melody plushes

I mostly stuttered and did a bunch of “a- mmmm, ahhuh, hm ah” grunts and looked at them and there was like pajama Melody and normal Melody (A GIANT ONE AT 55 USD, the smaller one at 22 USD) so T reached up and grabbed it for me and so I bought myself a My Melody plush finally (we ignored the rest of the basement before we got too carried away, but I’m glad we checked it out)

ALSO, as I was checking out a girl had to stop me and was like “I just want you to know, you look so cute! I’m sorry, I just had to let you know that!” and it made my day thank you random stranger

then back upstairs we went to the cafe to eat, and I got a cream puff! For those who don’t know me this is a pretty big deal because I hate food with a passion and don’t like trying foods ESPECIALLY in public but like, cream puff, cream, how could I resist

it was decent, wasn’t a fan of the cherry flavor or whatever in the bread, but the cream was delicious. Only ate just over half of it though, I cannot eat a lot at one time and so C finished it (my remains were the fourth picture, ate a liiittle bit more after taking it). Also T admired the amount of Green Tea flavored things there were.

Anyway, then we fiiinally left. We ended up skipping BookOff, I wanted to check it out but yeahhhh low on time (and C and A were like “let’s go to Nintendoooooo are we going to Nintendoooo” and I’m like “yes kids don’t worry we’re going to Nintendo like I kept saying we’re definitely doing”) So at 3:30PM ish, we finally reached Nintendo NY. There was a guy throwing Cappy in front of the store on camera, so that was neat.

Anyway, yeah, not gonna lie Nintendo was the weakest of the places we visited for me but I expected that- Like I know most of what Nintendo merch exists in the US that I’d be interested in already, so yeah, but it was a lot smaller than I expected (mostly because C and A kept calling it the Pokemon Center and I kept thinking of the ones in Japan that are like huge white displays of Pokemans), but yeah.

First floor was mostly Mario, so we went upstairs pretty quickly and browsed around. Amiibo display, clothes, and a museum (with that Fire Emblem Warriors on screen- I legit thought it was Hyrule Warriors for a while because it looked just like that desert stage in Hyrule Warriors and yeah, not interested enough in FE to care unfortunately). But yeah, museum was nice- I also remembered I had a camera at this point and started taking pictures. I was kind of hoping they’d have like every unique model of every system, but still nice display of what they had, just felt really bare after coming from Kinokuniya.

Of course, still bought Splatoon pajamas and a hat (T wanted the green one and I wanted the pink one so T bought them both and gave me one as a birthday present, but then I used the money he gave me to buy it to also buy the pajamas so I still owe him money for that but he be a good guy), C bought a bunch of Pokemon stuff (he’s a pokemon junkie always playing Pokemon Go, something something witch pikachu)

alsooo took an exclusive picture of me sitting down on the first floor as we rested a bit and checked our street passes (I only had 6 ACNL ones at the time and two were from T and A and I’ll have to check what they were after the Zelda Symphony) with my androgynous short hair and bad fashion sense, but not sure if I should post it even though I know my face is somewhere on my blog anyway (I don’t like pictures of myself and not a fan of how short my hair came honestly)

Anyway yeah, we were going to leave at 4PM, but we didn’t want to stand afterwards, finally at like 4:20PM we got up and headed for the escape room at 5PM.

Now, this is when things fall apart.

See, Escape Room starts at 5PM sharp, wants you to be there ten minutes early. So, uh, yeah. Google maps is like “your destination is 32 minutes away on foot”, and I’m like, “cool, yeah, we can make it”, not realizing how slow we were leaving the Nintendo Store to risk it. But hey, I’m like, “well, we should arrive right on time if we leave now, ten minutes early, bam, plus like NY walk speed is probably faster than google walk speed.” Then it’s like “do we take the subway there, and possibly deal with rush hour, or do we walk it...” So of course we decide to walk it.

For reference.

it was hell in those Vans shoes (I knew it would be but yeahhh)

my pinkie toes are covered in giant blisters from it, we pretty much jogged all the way there, and still arrived late. It was like “aaghhh it’s 5PM, wait we’re on the street now” but of course somehow I got turned around thinking we were on sixth ave, but no, we were on fifth I guess, so ended up making a wrong turn, doubling back, and arriving there (the place texted me and I was like “oh we’re right outside” when we were on the wrong direction, aghh (I still have no idea how we did that looking at the map I posted, we went right from leaving Nintendo, left, then allll the way down, then left, but somehow we were on 5th?)

luckily they let us in still, got there probably 8 minutes after it started, and yeah. My mind wasn’t in the right thinky mind thing and also escape rooms are harder than I thought. Also yeah not gonna lie a lot of me was like “aghhh just give me all the pieces so I can solve everything”, I was amazed at how people didn’t understand how a push lock worked (the TV instructions even told us “it’s a push lock, push it down to open it”) but still it was fun

we got to the bathroom when we ended up running out of time, the one we were stuck on still doesn’t make a lot of sense to me but it was some kind of math problem with dots I guess. There was an entire third room anyway that led back to the first one, so yeahhh we didn’t get this (apparently the success rate is 15 percent and people usually come in parties of 12-15).

Anyway, we decided we were going to get on the subway to the Zelda Symphony (escape room ended at 6PM), and away went. It was now I noticed how pained my feet were from walking, so yeahhh, walked to the subway in lots of pain.

NOW HERE’S WHERE MORE PAIN BEGINS...

the Zelda Symphony...

See, subways are subways, and I forgot 6PM is still technically rush hour. So, getting on the subway to go uptown, trying to get everything straight in my head like “okay yeah uptown train is the right one, there’s only updown and downtown even though the map doesn’t say anything about it being uptown just inwood or something”

so finally I’m convinced, yeah, we’re good, tell everyone a few times what stop we’re getting off on, yeah.

of course, the doors open, and it’s jam packed, as people rush in ahead of us. T manages to squeeze in but no one else can, so we rush to the next car. Of course I’m like “okay, we’ll just wait and be the first ones on the next-” and then C (who is a giant of a boy) crams me into the subway and tries running to another door with A.

Needless to say, we were all separated (and it was jam packed, I held onto my bags for dear life). So yeah, ride the subway for about a half hour, crushed and shoved around, eventually managing to reach a poll from where I am (a nice classy-looking Asian lady grabbed my arm and helped me stay steady for a while, any time it rocked she’d grab my arm again thinking I’d go flying even when I was already holding onto something)

there were also a ton of people in Zelda clothes, so I’d say about half the car (quarter at least) was going to the symphony. Anyway, I finally get off, try getting in contact with people (getting people to answer their phones is the most infuriating thing, even after waiting for two trains to go by first). Finally T contacts me, said he could see me on the train, but then couldn’t any more and had to get off at one stop to get composed and figure out what’s going on, then got back on the next train. Told him we’d meet at where I am since it’s the end of the staircase of subways, waited, waited, nothing. Finally A and C get back to me (I didn’t have A’s number and C never picked up his phone, eventually A called me), they’re quite the pair is all I’ll say, but yeah trying to find them was a pain too. In the meantime I finally contacted T and he was pretty stressed out by the whole subway ordeal and yeahh, he somehow walked past me and was down a few blocks.

Eventually I told everyone to just go outside, we’ll meet at the street corner I’m on (which was right in front of the symphony), waited, waited, waited, finally got in contact with them again, A and C were on the street but not the corner, but they could see the Symphony. More waiting, more waiting, T finally gets back to me, on the street, not sure where to go to get to the corner I’m on- turns out we were on opposite sides of the Symphony, but he couldn’t see it from where he was. So I guided him via my map, managed to get everyone to meet in line at the symphony, which we did, and boyyyyyy that was a fiasco.

Also let’s just say we didn’t have time to eat before the concert- we sat down around 8:15-8:20PM? The intro just ended and Miyamoto was talking. Anyway, yeah, then we sat down, my left thigh was in pain for some reason the entire time so that was super uncomfortable, but yeah. Interesting music choices, feels like I got spoiled on some games I haven’t played (but then again it’s Zelda so it’s not really spoilers), kinda wished they used something other than the Goron theme of BotW for the finale, but oh welll.

T really enjoyed it which made me glad, we both wanted to go back and replay all the old games afterwards (I own every console Zelda, beat or came close to beating all of them except 2, ALttP, and Four Swords Adventure), while never played a handheld Zelda (though I own the old ones via VC).

I liked the Awakening part, didn’t expect the older games to get music done, was nice. Also liked Ghirahim’s part in the SS section because he is the best. Also, the architecture for the United Palace was super nice, having just beaten KH1 again it felt like a place from Hollow Bastion (especially the ceiling colors)

Anyway, yeah, headed home, got on the subway (much less crowded this time), switched to the subway to NJ (which was pain in walking, I almost blacked out a few times, and for reference C if you’re reading this you’re still very stubborn, Mr. “it’s not proper train etiquette for more than one person to hold a pole at a time” aka mr “giant man tries not crushing smaller passengers on sharp turns, results vary” (but we still love you)

Anyway, yeah. Got to the parking garage (thankfully there was an elevator, stairs were super duper pain), got into the car, and drove home~ (we left just after midnight)

... and thennn C manages to take a wrong turn and detours us, and in trying to get back on the road, a train comes down the tracks murdering us all

it was very long and after like five-ten minutes of waiting, the train slows to a stop, with the last train car parked right in front of us, for about fifteen minutes (There was a cat though and I wanted it it was black and white and cat), that picture was taken at like 1AM and shortly after it started moving again

so after that fun detour we were back on the road, mumbling and being incoherent and half dead (I had to stay awake to read road signs and C had to stay awake to drive, T drifted off a lot and A mostly stayed up I think)

then they decided to go eat before going home, so at like 3AM we got to home-ish and went to a local-ish diner and I had fries and kept trying not to black out

note also that I went the whole day having only eaten a peanut butter sandwich and going to the bathroom at 7AM, I had like some mini hershey bars, half a cream puff, a bottle of water, and some gatorade, and yet I did not feel super hungry or super desire to use the bathroom at all and I’m kind of concerned but I remedied that at the diner (aka half a bowl of french fries and using their bathroom before my body muscles died too much like they felt like they were starting to when I almost blacked out a few times)

listen food is gross and public bathrooms are scary and gross

needless to say I am the epitome of perfect health

SO YEAH UH

we left the diner at like

4AM, I got home at 4:17AM, went upstairs, slowly peeled off my clothing, admired everything I bought, and then went to bed cuddling with my new best friend

by 4:30 I was in bed and by 8AM my alarm went off and I went to workkk

(I was half dead working and we were slow so my coworkers sent me home at like 3:30PM)

so far I feel dead still, but the rest of the pieces for my Halloween costume came in today so that was nice. Then early dinner, then internet, felt extremely dizzy typing this out, took a nap for an hour or so with my new Melody friend (she’s so softttttttt), woke up, finished typing this out, feeling dizzy again but not as bad and not as tired, not sure what to do now

also here be a list of places we (aka I since everyone else was like “Pokemon Center!” and I’m like “well there’s Nintendo NY” “Yeah!” “but that was the first thing I added anything else” “...Pokemon Center!” (okay T who helped me plan this trip talked with me and we managed to agree on some locations like Barcade and stuff, and A recommended Battery Park)... places we wanted to check out with bolded being the ones we did check out

there was a whole section of NYC we still have to explore as you can see

like I didn’t expect to visit half of these places honestly but yeah that two hour delay didn’t help much, on the brightside T losing his ID didn’t affect anything (I just had to help pay for a few things), honestly the only thing we really cut out from the delay was Bookoff.

I’m really interested in what the heck Babycastles is still, it was close to the Escape Room but no time to explore and see. I recommend googling it and trying to figure it out yourself.

I spent a lot less than I expected to on myself (20 dollars on pajamas and ~70 at a bookstore including the cream puff and My Melody ain’t bad), so yeah I spent more on tickets (and other people’s tickets and stuff, and gas, and parking...~) than I did on myself and I’m proud (though if I knew that I totally would’ve caved and bought something at the figure store probably)

I had fun and pain, T seemed like he really enjoyed everywhere we went which made me happy (T has a hard life and was the one who really wanted this trip to happen), C and A weren’t as big as nerds as we were (well okay they’re worse but on a different nerd spectrum, at least T and I have taste) but I think they enjoyed themselves and at least one them is probably reading this and feeling irrationally guilty for some reason (because they both do that wayyy too much) and what I have to say to that is- Hello!

(you’re good no worries it was fun)

tl;dr

manga store was fun, walking is pain, many delays and rushing

we’re going back after Christmas maybe when we I have money and we’re just going to shop at kinokuniya all day and maybe bring the two engaged peoples who couldn’t make it and treat them to nice things (and also take taxis, who cares if it’s five dollars more than a subway at this point)

also so disappointed we never really had a chance to take photos because I had an outfit I was proud(?) of and someone called me cute but here have this (still hate my face for some reason)

light purple cardigan and pastel game tee and pink booty shorts and black leggings and Little Twin Star socks and lavender Vans all while clutching a My Melody tote bag because I am Sanrio-loving low-key-fairy-kei trash, what a mess of an outfit

(I had my haircut the day before and it was okay but now once again it is a sad mess and also I’m a little sad that my yarn bangs already disappeared) also I knew I wasn’t crazy when I designed Yarn’s hair I knew I used to have bangs like hers and this proves it’s possible

#text stuffs #camera stuffs #ny's stuff #ny in nyc

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cosmosogler · 7 years ago

Text

ohh mannn...

i woke up at 8 this morning and just. couldn’t. i emailed my professor and went back to sleep until 9:10 or so.

still didn’t feel rested or in any sort of good mood but i’d arranged to meet with the e&m tutor at 10:40 so i really, really struggled to get ready on time. i forewent packing a lunch, figuring it was spaghetti day anyway, and that i’d just pick up a smoothie for dinner if i needed it. i was still like 10 minutes late to the meeting. i let her know ahead of time...

actually i’ve met this woman before. she’s very kind. she took a look through my notes. “is this your cat?” she asked when she came across one of the two doodles in there. “i like it.”

“thanks,” i said, kinda miserable. i hate people finding my drawings... especially in class note books when they can see i wasn’t paying much attention to the lecture. next to a jumbi, the only other drawing in there that took more than five seconds, i wrote “stop drawing in class” like that makes it any better for an outside observer.

she gave me a basic physics textbooks to work through examples before class so i can follow the lecture easier using my preferred style of taking in information. learning specific cases to see how the process works and what you use it for, and then generalizing. the professor, aside from being intimidating and thoroughly unpleasant to listen to at this point, likes to work in ONLY general cases and doesn’t always state the purpose of the exercise before jumping right in.

that happened for 45 minutes. it felt good to have a direction to move forward in, but also, terrible? because i felt terrible and interacting with a professor and learning something neat didn’t help.

i went down to the office and tried to talk my classmates into getting krishna lunch but none of them were having it. they had their e&m midterm today... jennica wanted to go, and keegan wanted to go, but then keegan’s practice problem was taking too long so jennica changed her mind. and keegan didn’t want to go with only one person i guess. he said never mind.

it actually really... felt bad? like my throat hurt from trying not to try the whole way out the building and out to the road. like this one of very few things that i actually find relaxing and enjoyable got taken away. i know they were worried about their test but shouldn’t they know cramming doesn’t really do anything but make you anxious at this point? i dunno. i was super bummed. i had to really pump myself up to even bother with lunch at all.

i didn’t want to go to a very social gathering place to get lunch by myself so i forgot the spaghet this week and instead got a peanut butter smoothie because i like them and they make me feel better. part of my bad mood was due to hunger it seems like. i got a large because i knew that mediums weren’t always quite enough. but i took one sip of the large and immediately was no longer hungry so that was great. i carried it across campus with me to the pharmacy anyway and tried to get something into my stomach, at least, while listening to the beautiful sounds of elo.

i picked up my meds and that was a bit of money... but they let me get all three of them at once which was actually good. now i don’t have to drop by again next week, which takes like 40 minutes every time i go.

then i ambled over to the group therapy place and i could tell i was gonna be real sick later. but my body had to ache for 80 minutes first. that’s how it goes.

therapy was kinda rough. i felt ill and tired and unfocused. for the first 50 minutes i barely said anything at all. i hopped in eventually saying i couldn’t get anyone to take me seriously. it’s always “you’re so cute” or “so smol” or “precious” or “honey senpai” or “you’re sweet” or “you’re such a straightedge.”

i mean... these are from people i like. sometimes from people i don’t, but... the majority. i’m older than most people in my peer group and i’m still the “smol” one.

i really liked peridot in steven universe. but she’s been turned into the butt of the “smol” joke too and that’s upsetting.

too much to say about that. gotta move on.

we talked about how we all go so fast that we can’t actually process any of our emotions or reactions as we talk about our lives. i proposed that next week we spend the first 45 minutes doing nothing but crying on the floor and then the last 45 minutes actually talking. that got a good laugh out of everyone.

i mentioned it was hard for me to share reactions because i just feel nothing all the time. like my grandma died in january and it didn’t occur to me to cry about it until, like, this saturday. even then it wasn’t sobbing or anything. it was just, “oh. i’m sad now. about that.”

so i said i’d get back to the group leader with my reactions to the group next year.

it’s been... good. to talk to people my own age. who are at the same point, almost, emotionally. people who are grown ass adults and have been grown ass adults for 7+ years and who, despite having serious or absolutely devastating problems, are still doing things about it. because having depression doesn’t mean i am not doing anything about my depression.

there were weird guys in uniform on campus today. i can’t tell if they are with our Very Special Guest who is speaking tomorrow, or if they are undercover cops. i’m guessing they were not white supremacists because there was more than one not white person with them and they looked like they were not trying to be particularly intimidating.

gotta keep in mind that this university is spending over half a million dollars on security for this event. like eight of my students have contacted me about being unable to attend class tomorrow because the road they live on got shut down and they can’t leave.

also gotta keep in mind that they denied him entry at first (due to reasonable safety concerns) but then he sued and the state was all, “free speech is Very Important” and made them let him come and also they had to pay for everything except his rental of the building.

ok yes free speech is very important. but also, not putting your students in danger is very important and they are legally allowed to deny speakers that they think will directly lead to violence happening.

i guess our very special guest could spend all that money he’s not using on security on lawyers instead.

anyway. i walked back to the physics department and i told myself, “i am the- i am great. i’m great at math.” and i kinda laughed at how funny the joke was.

i dunno there’s something a little dissonant about wearing a shirt that says “COOL DUDE” on it and having a low self esteem.

it’s this one. this is the one. the shirt. this is the shirt. it says cool dude.

look ok i aspire to have half the aggressive self confidence that paps has. that is a trait i admire.

look at those dumb basketball shoulder pads. where did he get those? i love them. look how much fun he’s having.

ok anyway fashion aside. i still felt... weak and drained, when i got back to the department. i had indeed been sick after group adjourned. i had about 5 minutes before class. so i went and grabbed my notebook and sat down for class and said “i’m gonna do great” instead of telling the professor i was too sick for class.

i tried something new. i tried listening very carefully to the lecture and only taking notes when i wanted to keep track of a definition or a term he was using. since he was mostly talking theory at this point (for once in his life) it was actually easier to follow than normal. I tried to think about what the variables meant.

i dunno if that’ll help or not.

haha i sent an email in between writing part of this post and i was accidentally capitalizing words there for a few sentences! i had to go back and fix it to look like i’m talking quietly instead of at a normal person volume.

then i festered in the office for a little while before my classmates got out of their exam. suzanne didn’t look so good... even ioannis didn’t finish the last third of the test. basically everyone went home straight away.

EXCEPT. harrison asked why i didn’t go to krishna with him and keegan. i said “what.”

he said he couldn’t find me so he and keegan went to krishna alone. i told him i’d been looking around for people to go for like 30 minutes before i left and that i otherwise wasn’t around much today. i asked when they went. it was shortly after i left.

so he lied to me. he didn’t even bring it up when he’d been in the office for five minutes after the test. like, “oh, hey, i changed my mind, sorry we didn’t catch you on the way out.”

they went and did this thing i love to do with my friends without me specifically after telling me they weren’t going to do it.

i’m not mad at harrison. i didn’t even see him or know he was around, his office door had been closed. it’s never closed when he’s in.

but like... i did tell him i was actually mad for real. i didn’t really have any way to express that though so i just said that was upsetting and then he went home.

i don’t know what to do about that. i don’t want to be passive aggressive but if i bring it up tomorrow it’s just gonna be like, it’s not a big deal.

it shouldn’t matter. i am capable of having a good time by myself. it’s just, it’s not what i was expecting.

aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA my face was healing so good and i accidentally scratched it and now it’s bleeding a little. i don’t know how. the scab wasn’t even there any more. ugh.

i bummed around in the office for just a little while longer, trying to set up a work dropbox so my classmates and i can quickly share notes from class. i fiddled with it until i got frustrated and tired. taylor was around so i was talking to him about how i didn’t really appreciate harrison saying stuff like “ok from now on i’m only going to believe half the things you say.” and then i got onto my health, i think, which prompted me to start talking about my heart. and then that got me onto my christian school experience so i complained about being bullied by my classmates, my classmates’ parents, and my teachers for a little bit.

rebika came in and after a minute she said something like “i don’t like to believe what you say either, i don’t know how to react.”

and i said “yeah, bad things don’t actually happen, since you don’t want them to. it’s ok.”

she said “it’s just awkward.”

i said “that’s fair, if someone started saying the stuff i say to me i wouldn’t know how to react either.”

i biked home and i had so much trouble picking up any speed at all (even downhill, somehow) that it was kind of miserable even though the weather was nice. i could not get my legs to move any faster.

i thought about what i said. people don’t want to believe that bad things happen for real. i find myself thinking that way sometimes too. about other people. about myself. but bad things are real. they happen to real people. they could happen to me. they could happen to you. there’s horrible things happening right now to real people. statistically one unbelievably bad thing will probably happen to everyone.

i’ve just had a lot of them. so it’s hard for young people to get that i guess.

i made chili dogs for dinner because one of the internet people i talk to yesterday was talking about it and i got hungry for them. it was so good. i was up to my wrists in chili. i looked like a toddler who didn’t want to eat their baby food. i had to really struggle to, like, pick up my cup of water to take a drink with my chili hands. i don’t like touching things with gunk on my hands. or having gunk on my hands really.

i washed everything afterward and actually put my god dang dishes in the dishwasher for the first time in like four days. and i RAN A CYCLE!!! HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!! CLEANING MONSTER

i thought about making muffins for my classmates tomorrow but, upon considering that i am very depressed right now, and also that half my classmates aren’t going to want/be able to come to campus, i have decided it might be better to save them for monday instead. thursday night i’ll be too busy studying for quantum, hopefully.

i gave jennica my toolbox since her bike fell apart and i fiddled with the dropbox for a long time. but i didn’t do any studying or grading because i’m too cool for important things like preparing for a very difficult exam i have to take in two days that i don’t like and don’t want to think about.

i uploaded all my notes so far to the database but i was too tired to label all of them so i did nothing instead.

you know. i guess there’s kind of a utility in doing nothing. i don’t know if that’s a good thing or an excuse or what. but. sometimes i feel like any activity at all can lead very quickly and very unexpectedly into “self harm” or worse territory. so i elect instead to do absolutely nothing for long periods of time. i did force myself to at least train one of my pokemon while i, i don’t know, i was barely watching the youtube videos at all. i just wanted to feel like i was accomplishing something by taking a bunch of stuff off my bookmarks because i’d technically looked at it like i wanted when i’d bookmarked it.

i know it’s not really accomplishing anything. but at least there’s less bs cluttering up my bookmarks bar so now it’s easier to see the stuff i actually did want to look at later. like kinesthetic learning strategies.

at least my chili was really good...

oh i figured out a way to get snoopy to stop yowling all night. besides when she hurts herself i guess. i find knots of tangled fur ripped out on the couch and the ottoman and stuff sometimes. and i find her claws on the ground in the morning sometimes. i think she splits them on accident. not sure what’s making them so brittle though.

but anyway just saying “hey snoopy” seems to calm her down a little bit. this morning while i was sleeping in i did get her to actually lay on my bed with me for a while and she seemed to like that until i shifted my weight and bumped her with my foot. but she wasn’t “MAHHHH”ing for that period of time so it’s a success!!!!

i think she’s got mats on her stomach but she won’t let me touch any of that so i can’t really try to brush anything and she just accidentally tears it out sometimes while grooming i guess. she’s only barely started letting me brush around her hips. i’m thinking about taking her somewhere to get her claws and fur trimmed and maybe her teeth cleaned and stuff but i don’t know how much it’ll cost and i don’t know who’s got people who can do cats around here. petco didn’t when we first went...

tomorrow i’m gonna go to a “wellness coaching” event that the counseling center is hosting. even if i don’t learn anything new i need to hear this stuff over and over again or i’m gonna forget it. and maybe getting some professionally-sanctioned attention will help me feel a little better by itself.

i’m kinda bummed because i had time to play with snoopy today, since i got home right before 6, but i just didn’t have any energy i guess.

energy doesn’t seem like the right word to be using. because physically i could technically do it. there’s no sleepiness or anything keeping me from doing it. but if it occurs to me that i could be doing it my brain gives a hard “no.” kinda like with my homework situation!!!!!!!!!!!!

emotional energy? willpower? does it take willpower to NOT do things, like i kinda talked about earlier? what am i spending all my energy on?

most days i think i would explain my energy as being allocated “80% toward not killing myself, 10% toward maintaining myself/my environment, and 10% toward school because that’s all i have left.” but not killing myself isn’t necessarily an active thing i have to do at all times so maybe it’s not taking up all that mental space. i just don’t know. i mean, of course, sometimes it is, but, not always.

it’s 11:20 which is 35 minutes after my “STOP WRITING AND GO TO BED, ASSHOLE” time so i’m going to try to rest i guess. i don’t know if i can teach for four hours straight tomorrow. it’ll be a reduced class size but i still put all my attention on my students for that period of time. maybe i can kinda get them to finish early so i can go to the bathroom before the second two hours at least. guess i’ll just live with it.

#tw self harm #tw suicide #just mentions #other than my face which suffered some minor rage but not as much as usually happens #just gotta tag it every time it comes up you know how it is

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journal-of-j34n31 · 7 years ago

Text

wednesday, august 30 2017

5:10 AM;

i want to first start by saying that i’ve been meaning to write on this page again but with all the things going on in my life and its hectic ways. i’ve been slumping before i could even get a chance to get on here. the way i am going to set this post up is put the date and redo the set of events in my head as if it were the time and place and whatnot. however, i am only going to go back to friday because that was the start of all the craziness that has been going on. so let’s get to it, shall we? ;)

friday, august 25 2017

i woke up this morning and got ready for a looong ass day. i had had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to commute to pal and get there by 6:45 AM. when i got there, we did our regular softball warmups. when coach arrived, we did sprints/plank/rests. after making our way to the weight room, we did bar lunges, russian twists, pull ups, push ups, medicine ball etc. let’s just say they were pushing me way too motherfucking hard, but i didn't mind. wait, there's more. that workout is not even close to being done. once weight room training ended, we made our way to the softball fields for actual practice. i ended up having to kill time before my math class so i hung around. i got out of math at 1:05 pm and made my way to meryssa’s house. she was kind enough to let me shower so i don’t travel to san deign all sweaty and stinky. it was fun talking to her and catching up in person. it was her last weekday before she started school. i finished getting ready and said a little see ya later type goodbye. i was now getting to the exciting part about my day. i don't remember what time i left, but i do know that around an hour (maybe more) of traffic later i finally arrived at my baby's school. sdsu. he had gotten there around 11/12 with his momma and they got settled into his dorm room. they finished by the time i got there so we went to go grab some panda. his mom left on our way back to the dorm room and it was me, my baby, france, as, and their roommates. we were just talking and chilling before they had their little floor meeting with their RA’s. me and as decided to go to ak’s bomb ass apartments literally the next street over. she lives not even 5 min from the school. as we were debating what the movements were and ak was showing, i get a text from my baby saying him and france went to the little night event thing the school holds as a welcoming night typa thing and to come back to the school to see them again. we made our way back to the campus and picked up char at the dorm building. paul texted us about a little frat party that we should make the movements to. we all walked to starbucks thinking we were gonna meet her and her friends there but once we hella walked over there, they were already at the party. while we were figuring out what to do, sooo many guys kept looking or talking to us. brazy. so we busted another mission to try and find that far ass place. during the time were were walking the streets, the guys were following our location. to be honest the girls were annoyed with the boys and vice versa. they were complaining we were still walking there while they were trying to catch up. antyways, we ended up meeting and made our way to the party. the second we got there the guy was telling everyone to leave as char and ak snuck right on in. as we turned around to walk back to the dorms, i remembered ak had my keys in her bag. so when they came out, they asked if we wanted to go inside even if it were for a little and i said sure why not. walking in there was so weird, there were so many boys and people in general and that would definitely be my type of scene if i went to state and was single. but i’m not complaining, i’m lucky i got my mans. we all decided to head back to the dorms except for ak and char. because everyone had to check in and i didn't go there, i needed my license that happened to be in the car. the 4 of us busted a mission to the car to go grab it and headed back. we ended up finding out the overnight policies and rules which got me excited. we were all chillen in my baby’s dorm. me and my baby on his bed and france and as on the abandoned bed above angel’s. we were all so exhausted, i ended up checking how much i walked and it turns out it was like 8. something miles. at about 12:45 as asked me what time we were leaving and i told her 1 am. we all ended up crashing and woke up at 1:01. we dipped and the drive home was... interesting. i wasn’t really tired but i couldn’t see the roads, like i they were going towards each other. halfway through the drive, as took over. when i got home, i took a shower and got ready for bed. i had to wake up the next morning by 5:45 to start getting ready and it was already 3:00 AM. i was thinking about pulling an allnighter but i ended up falling asleep.

saturday, august 26 2017

i ended up waking up at about 7:30 or so because my phone died in the middle of the night and my alarms couldn’t go off. i was freaking out because i had to be at ae’s house by 8:30, meaning i would have to leave at 8:15, and i didn’t want to be late. i tried telling ae that i’ll just drive myself but he told me to try and make it so i wouldn’t have to. i just did my eyebrows, daily routine, and got dressed. i wanted to do my makeup, hair, etc. i ended up leaving at 8:20 and got there exactly at 8:30. when i got there, the door was open for me so i walked right inside and saw his mom/sister’s boyfriend. they were still getting ready. but it’s okay because at least i was already there and not worrying about making them late. after talking to his family, we started making our way at around 9. i was able to talk to dais in the car and she was telling me all about her boy problems and whatnot. when we finally made it to the school, we parked and walked up a whole bunch of stairs. it was worth it because at the top of it was my babyyy. we all made our way inside as the people at the school gave me and his family a pin and gave him a special pin. the ceremony was nothing too crazy, it was just a whole bunch of speakers talking in relation to school and introducing the professors for each major. when the ceremony was over, we walked back up those crazy amount of stairs and took pictures outside. i loved seeing all his family there at once, both sets of parents, both sisters. it was good that we were able to all come out together and celebrate my baby and his accomplishments/future home. we walked back to the dorm room to show his family where he will be living for the next school year. we walked them out and went back to his room. me, him, and aj walked over to the habit, busting a mission i must say, and had some lunch because we all barely ate. by the time we got back, so did as and france. we all chilled in the room, each in our own bed plus the couples, and ended up taking a nap. the guys all got up because they had to head to their meeting, however, me and as were slumped af. i got up in the middle of my sleep and no one had came back yet. i had to pee sooooo bad but i didn't want to have to wake up as to come with me. i was teeing my baby and he told me to go head to the bathroom. as i was walking down the hallway, i see the room they are all in, keep in mind the room was surrounded by glass, and the next thing i know i got a bunch of people staring at me. i started to speed walk into the bathroom and i didn’t know what to do when i was finished. i didn’t want people looking at me again because it made me uncomfortable. when i walked back, i just made no eye contact or even looked in that direction. the second i get back to my room the guys ended up coming back not even 5 minutes later. we all talked for a little bit and then grabbed our things to head back home for the boxing fight. before the actual drive home, they wanted to stop for boba. we finally got to ae’s some time afterwards. when we got there, everyone was there pre partying and whatnot. we walked inside and dais and her friends were everywhere, along with bhris. ae ended up leaving and so did france and aj. that whole night was craaazy man. we were dancing, drinking, ae even got high off a wax pen. i don’t quite remember the chronological way thing happened so i’m just going to say the events i remember. me and bhris and poncho were drinking jungle juice at the same time dais pulled up with a sparking strawberry margarita, which was bomb as shittt, and everyone else ended up getting one but me because they were all out. i called ae close to me and gave him a hug and bhris was sitting next to us. he looks over at dais and everyone else and was like “you see that? i fucking hate them, they’re fucking goals.” i thought that was so cute. ae was running all over the place entertaining everyone so i was kinda just there. my family came, too. when we were watching the fight, everyone was so into it, i was too but more less because i didn't want mcg to lose, to the point where ae told me to stop talking to him. so you know what i did the entire fight? you guessed it ;) stopped talking to him. after the crazy fight, my family was going to leave. my mom was drunk and dancing and she didn’t want to leave, but we all know how my sister is. EVERYONE kept saying how much they LOVE my mom. carl, his mom, his sister’s bf. they ended up leaving as we came back inside. dais and her friends were playing music, and we were jamming. i was at the table with dais when deepthroat came on and then his older sister looked at me like :o and i was like :o and then we started laughing. my neck, my back, and once upon a time not long ago came on after. mannn was i singing those songs, especially towards my baby. chris ended up taking like 5 shots of bacardi and poncho took some too. chris also ended up telling ae how much he is going to miss him and doesn't want him to leave and this and that. they went to the couch by the front door and did a major group hug which i thought was so cute. they ended up crying! i was hiking everywhere with dais and her friends and most f the time they were shocked at how much and how well i threw it back and when i looked at ae, he was shaking his head. we ended up yiking together and everyone went crazy and gassing me up and everything. even his older sister. we played you're a jerk and my baby was jerking and pin dropping, all which i got on snapchat BUT THEN MY PHONE DIED BEFORE I CAN SAFE IT. boof, right? i was continuing the little dancing and ae went outside with his sister’s bf. that was when he was doing the wax pen. chris came up to me and was like have you and ae said “i love you” to each other yet. i said no, and then he proceeded to say “do you love him?”. i just sat and laughed a little bit. i told him the time i said it but he didn’t and he got mad. he said “want me to go talk to him?” i said it was fine and we’ll talk about it ourselves. i was sitting at the table and he comes up to me. (side note: i told him i missed him a while ago and he just did a little laugh thing and said “i’m right here”, so i ended up saying “fine then, i won’t say it anymore.”) i told him i missed him and then never mind i said i wasn’t gonna say it anymore and he was like “oooh, oookay” and i told him every time i say it he just says ok or don’t miss me so there’s no point in saying it anymore. he took me into the other room, the couch by the front door, and had me lay next to him. he began to say “whenever you say you miss me it get’s me really sad and i start thinking about how i’m actually going to miss you when i’m not with you” and that was the end of it. he started CRYINGGG man. it was heartbreaking, actually. we talked a little bit more about going to have to stay strong for each other while we’re away. when we finished it was around 2:30 AM. he told me that we should stay there and rest a little before we head back to everyone. me and him fell asleep on the couch and i could feel myself waking up in the middle of my nap to readjust myself a few times because i kept getting uncomfortable. his step dad ended up waking us up at around 3 AM. he asked me if i was spending the night. i said no, it’s okay because the whole day ae kept telling me he doesn’t know. (side note: i hate it when i know he wants to say something but he ends up saying something else. like when he says idk or yes you can tell that deep down he wants to say no or give some other reason to say no. you’ll see what i mean later on.) then he told me “no, you are not driving home this late. come on, come upstairs you can sleep in the loft.” me and ae walked upstairs and say dais and the other girl by their bathroom. we peeked inside ae’s room and say chris in his bed and poncho slumped and spread out on ae’s. dais looked at me and asked if i wanted anything to wear. i told her it was fine and she said “you’re going to sleep in THAAAT?!” and pulled on my jean shorts. hahaha, she’s funny man. we walked into the loft and she came back and was like “here you can change into these” i changed. then, me and ae laid on the blankets that were set up on the floor. she looks at us and was like “you guys don’t want another pillow?” i said nooo, it’s okay. she comes back with a pillow for us. then as we were about to fall asleep she was like “you guys aren’t gonna use a blanket?” we said no, it’s okay. she ends up taking the blanket and spreading it onto of us. i said thanks mom and she walked back to her room and that was the end of that.

sunday, august 27 2017

i was awaken at about 7 AM by ae. he said “do you want to just go in my room and sleep? i said sure. we went back to his room and laid down for a little bit. he ended up wanting to get wild man, and his bro was right next to us. got me ded af, lmaooo. we went downstairs and his sister, sister’s bf, and the little kids were running around. the girl, whose name i am unsure of, told us my baby’s mom walked upstairs and saw us sleeping together on the floor. she said “he moves out one day and the next he’s already sleeping with her? i’m going to have a heart attack” HAHAHA aww. not much else happened that day, we had breakfast and said bye to everyone. we walked back upstairs and i fell asleep for a little bit longer. he mentioned how cute it was that i was drooling on his arm but it was okay because it was his baby :’) i’m fucking cryinggg. wait, no i’ll be crying in a little bit. one sec. so we were downstairs and his mom was packing him snacks and whatnot. he looks at me around 2:30 and asks if i want to head out, which has me hella confused because they’re not leaving until 3:00 so i was like ??? umm okay. we go outside and he looks at me and start crying all over again! i gave him a hug and was like omg baby what’s wrong? and he told me how much he was going to miss me. i reminded him that we can do it and it won't be bad. man, i didn't think i was going to cry because i kept looking at the silver lining of the whole situation but seeing him cry breaks my heart. HERE’S WHERE IT GETS HELLA INTERESTING. so i get in my car and he goes “there’s something i’ve been holding off saying...” and he tries to pull himself together. then proceeds to say “i love you” and then we both start crying! mannn, that was so unexpected, he got me. as i was about to leave after giving him a hug and a kiss, he looks at me while he was standing next to my car door and his face just starts crying again. i got out of the car and gave him one last hug and kiss before i had to go. i love this boy with all my heart and i can’t imaging living my life without him anymore.

tuesday, august 29 2017

it was his first day of school on monday but other than that, not much happened. i got to school at 6:40 in time for weight room practice. i walked up to alina and told her that after the coach talked to us that monday and how nicole quit, i was considering it. i went to history, then i had a break. i went to my car, then to the locker room to shower, then back to my car, then to coach’s office to talk to her about tips and advice on how to get my way to sd state school, then to my lab class. we ended up being able to leave lab like two hours early. after my chem lecture i went to get gas. the only thing getting me through the day was that i would be able to finally see my baby after a long day apart hahaha. so i made my way down south. it took an hour or so much the end result was worth it. i parked at the top floor of the parking garage as he met me there. we went to his room and all the guys went to the gym to play basketball. we just laid there and whatnot ;) we were supposed to go out and eat with everyone but we couldn’t wait. we went to this mexican place next to the dorms. it was bombbb, too and the worker was nice. on our way back, he pulled me into a hug before reaching his door building. he told me “i feel like i don't say it enough, i love you” my heart got so happy. we got back into his room to go grab my things and i hugged him. i didn’t let go and i kept reminding him i don’t want to leave him. then, when we got back to my car and it got pretty serious. it started when i said “i don’t want to go to school tomorrow” and he asked why not. i then realized why. i told him it didn’t make me happy and i dread every night before i have to go to school the next day. it’s not school itself because i actually enjoy learning. it’s the fact that i have to wake up so early, commute in long/unpredictable traffic, not being able to just come home and relax but jump right into homework, then sleep early to repeat. it became too much. taking 21.5 units and trying to have a softball/social life on top of that? it’s not possible. especially with it being my first year of college. especially starting out at a junior college. if i want to transfer to a school i want, i have to work at a high gpa and get past all my competitors so i CAN leave. that is my goal and if softball if going to get in the way of that then i can’t have it. i put way too much on my shoulders and i couldn’t carry it all. i need time to myself, time to study, and if i were to play softball i would need time outside of practice to better myself. it was one of the hardest decisions, but my baby helped me out with a talk in the car and laid out the facts and reality of the situation. he told me he would support me 100% with whatever i decide. he is the whole reason i was able to be happier and confident with the way things in my life are starting to turn out. i’m becoming an adult. i can't just do whatever i want when i want. i have responsibilities now and i am responsible for myself. that means making sacrifices if i need to so that i can become a better me. i dropped him off infront of his dorm building and before he left me he said “i love you.” goddamn, just 3 words that keep me going everyday. i talked to mr and tt on my way home and they, too, helped me out a lot. i got home and told my parents about it then took my slumped ass to bed.

well, as you can tell i had a pretty eventful weekend + some. it is currently 7:40 AM on friday, sept. 1. i want to continue this talk but i have decided i am going to start on my baby’s “open when” letters, as it is already a week late. hopefully i’ll be able to make it to my baby’s actual birthday. if not, earlier. peace.

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