#what a nice and even year number
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Summary of Art 2024
it's that time again. somehow. the year is about to change so I've gathered my most popular posts by notes (likes, reblogs, or replies, counted at the time of posting this summary) from each month and threw them on here enjoy
January - 131
February* - 145 (*redraw of someone else's thing for a challenge, multiple versions)
March* - 40 (*redraw of someone else's thing for a challenge)
April* - 77 (*redraw of someone else's thing for a challenge)
May* - 39 (*fic art)
June - 36
July - 127
August* - 67 (*comic)
September - 56
October* - 38 (*comic kinda)
November* - 72 (*comic)
December* - 54 (*comic kinda)
so yeah that's a thing, I'm sure my 96 followers' heads are exploding rn. mostly because I think like half of those are probably bots
(12/31/24)
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a redraw of the first drawing i posted here to celebrate the fact that ive been in tumblr for more than a whole year posting my shit and havent deleted my blog in panic yippee \:D/ (mushy rant in tags)
#i realised too late that it has been more than a fuking year (august 9)#and for context: ive had 3 different intagram art accounts and i deleted all 3 of them a few months before creating them. anxiety amiright#here it has been so different bc people are so nice??? it has been a pretty plesant experience here w all of u really#im so glad to have found myself in such a wonderful part of the fandom and amazing mutuals that i never talk to bc im shit w texting#the atention has been overwhelming ngl. i have over 2000 followers which. holy fuck???#it doesnt feel like a real number and for my own sake im nnot gonna treat it as one#like i apreciate the support and ppl liking what i do but im not here to make number go big yk? im here to connect w other humans#and yall have been amazing humans ^^ thank u for all the wonderful tags and comments and the support overall#it has been so cool sharing my art and finding other artist whom i respect oh so very much. some of them even follow me back wtf#i hope to continue being here for as long as i can and keep growing as an artist and sharing that process with other without fear#also my amy redesign actually goes so hard idk why i forgot about it nxnfbcncb#sth#sonic fanart#sonic#amy rose#nov.aart#nov.junk
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Good mornings ,,
Fireafy doodle for me to cope ,,, (also TPOT 15 spoilers in the tags so we woo we woo we woo !!!!!! )
#being a fireafy shipper is the worst fate I could ever give to someone#jacknjellify HATE ME#ME SPECIFCALLY /silly#they literally fought for 6-7 YEARS …#over a ferris wheel ….#A FERRIS WHEEL…#AND YOU TELL ME.#LTTLE OL ME#THAT FIREY WOULDVE JUST LET HER IN FROM A NOISE OUTSIDE???#IT WAS THAT EASY TO CHANGE HIS MIND????#WHAT IF I EXPLODE.#but that moment is also so VITAL to the rest of the timeline that it literally breaks down good god#.. they can’t even be happy rn EITHER#I wait 6 years#with leafy going through it and them fighting#the worst communicating duo in the world btw#and they FINALLY MAKE UP AND HAVE A SWEET LIL BOAT TRIP#I WAS SO HAPPY#they were so nice and sweet and gibing on their nice little island#but no firey and leafy never get a break that’d break some cardinal rule within the scriptures of course !!!#one I hate you#I truly do please go be all mysterious and blue#SOMEWHERE ELSE ….#I’m closing my eyes and going lalalalala at firey and leafy being separated i can’t handle anymore#they’re happy and building their own dream island#with no stupid numbers in the way go AWAY ONE#sorry not Lego related I’m just mad …#also reveal I’m a fireafy shipper I suppose I’ve been here ever since Bfdi hbshdb#please let these two have a happy ending WITH NO TRICKS LATER#I’ve invested too much time I need them to be happy and smiling and yippe yay yiopoeee
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Gomzzzzz hello!!! I’ve been lurking in your blog for like, over a year now and I just wanted to say, your art is so freaking amazing and cute....the big cheeks!! I’ve always struggled with confidence in my own work, to the point where sharing anything felt almost impossible (stare at my stuff for hours only to delete them) But seeing you do your thing? I decided to try posting too. Okay it took a while but when I did I was fully expecting it to get like… 2 likes, max. But then YOU reblogged it, and my phone basically exploded. I’m not even kidding—my notifications were wild, and for the first time, I actually felt proud of something I made. It might sound silly and you probably don't know which art of mine you reblog but it really hyped me up and frankly...i found back the feel to draw again. I can't thank you enough for doing what you do, for making cod space a better and nicer place (your reblogs on others are always soooo positive and top tier)
Anyway, I’m keeping myself anonymous because, uhhh, social anxiety vibes and don’t want to overwhelm you;w; but I hope you know how much you’ve impacted people like me just by being yourself. I’m wishing you the absolute best for 2025!! zapping you with my beams to give you braincells for your school stuff
you deserve all the good things fr
-🦈
🥹
CryING iN THE CLUB— (my room)
Shark anon, thank you for the sweetest words, I really needed this today…and I’m so proud of you for finding back the love to draw again. I hope 2025 will be a blast for you too man!! Remember to take rest and have a good year ahead
#im trying to guess who you are…#theres a few people in my head but I really cant be sure…i did text one of them to check but its unlikely#i feel like you’re right tho if u didnt remain anon i would’ve panic#LMAO#i know its weird and like hard to really like what you draw i feel ya#idk about me making the fandom space nicer im just being chaotic af tho NDJSJDJSJS BUT THANK YOU 😭#this year I’ve been digging thru the tags and trying to find more creators around and share it to everyone#give the lil boost cuz they can do so much#i started from zero its time i give some of those numbers to everyone else#bee is this u (bcuz of the face) if its u im smothering u with love gdi#urhhjjjhghhhh (rubs my face + deep breath) ok i think im good#(breathes out) nope im crying again (SOBS LOUDLY)#its the stress hsing this opportunity to release itself#ok but this is genuinely so nice of you i really cant#even word it properly without JFJSJDJS WITHOUT SCREAMING EEEEEHHHRGGGH#im gonna exPLODE#LOVE LETTER FOR ME BASICALLY#you guys are too nice 😭💛#boop#naur man this needs to be added to my pin post or somewhere so i can reread it#ask response#thanks for the ask <3#gomz having a melt down#sorry btw if this response is short my brain is still full of uni stuff i HRGH#didnt wanna make u wait either#<3#just know i’ll be thinkinf about this forever#njjrjjjnnnn *gomz melts*
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Also: THEY FIXED MY FOLLOWER COUNT
#idk what they did or if it was even on purpose!#i did file a ticket ages ago and I was sooooo thorough I know what I'm doing smh#they said it would take a while and I don't think I've heard back since#my best friend was convinced they would never do it (my best friend works in software testing 😭😭)#it's kind of funny I've gained like 100 followers since my follower count first got messed up#but it's nice to have the right number now#the too big number was honestly a little nerve wracking#this isn't the most followers I've ever had on a tumblr blog but it's for sure the most I've felt like were actually there#like one of the things about having ~100 followers last year is most of my current followers are active#and ppl engage with my posts#not all of them. but a lot of them. and there are people I recognize and people who recognize me and etc it just feels way more communal#lou is loud
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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can’t ask via side blog so this is matchvedev 🫡 you mentioned catalunya in that reblog of vale celebrating his 100 wins… 👀 what’s the story behind that and are there any other fun anecdotes that come to your mind looking at that poster? only if you wanna talk about it ofc but super lowkey, just anything you might wanna talk about
(x) oh yeah sure! I'm gonna leave the other bits of the poster for another time because this post is already long enough and tbh I need to find a version where I can make out a little more of the poster. but I will at some point!!
so, assen 2009 was the race directly after catalunya - a race that valentino also of course just happened to win. it's actually super convenient that these were consecutive wins, because can you imagine if they'd had to lug that massive poster everywhere they went until valentino finally got his 100th? anyway, catalunya was very much the turning point of the 2009 season. going into that race, valentino was in a little bit of trouble... actually, y'know what I do have a post about this race already so I'm just gonna plagiarise from that:
so, long story short, obviously that race was a banger. if anyone reading this hasn't watched it, please go and do that. valentino won it with a final corner overtake on jorge at a bit of the track you're not supposed to be able to overtake at. every time this race comes up, I'm legally obligated to remind people jorge was going around telling pundits that as long as you're ahead going into the final two corners of the last lap, you're safe. which, obviously don't do that! casey did take a break from almost fainting so that he could rag on jorge for not preventing the overtake - not least since valentino had employed that overtake on casey two years earlier, which jorge was also aware of and was later kicking himself over (here, here and here, but don't click on that first link right now). so there's plenty of fun lore with that overtake... anyway, valentino goes full ham with his celebrations. he's now tied in the championship standings with casey and jorge. more importantly, he's shown that he's still got it AND he's beaten his annoying young teammate at home. he breaks out of parc fermé to accept the adulation of jorge's home fans and also interrupts jorge's interview to shake his opponent's hand... just in case jorge is less than generous after his brutal defeat, this interaction will be nicely caught on cameras and mics
there's one more thing he does in his celebrations - but we're going to need a bit more context here. let's go back a few years, to the early noughties. (I promise this is relevant.) now, fun story, did you know that casey was talent-spotted by dani's long-time manager alberto puig and that's where he knew dani from? (stick with me here.) also, did you know that this is actually the reason why dani and casey run consecutive numbers, 26 and 27 respectively? from casey's autobiography:
I'd wanted to use the number 66 when I raced, but another rider had taken it. Number 66, or 166 if there had to be three digits, had always been my number in dirt-track because Dad had used number 6. I had run 66 in the Aprilia Superteens but it had been taken in the British Championships so I'd used 48, which is what I was given. For the Spanish series Alberto had block-booked all the twenties for his riders and I was given the number 27. It was the number I would keep from then on.
and here's another bit later on:
Unfortunately my favourite number, 66, was again already taken, this time by the German rider Alex Hofmann, so we decided to stick with my number from the Spanish Championship, 27. That same year in the 125cc class Joan Olivé would be running number 25 and Dani Pedrosa number 26, so having the number 27 on the front of my bike was a subtle but nice way to maintain my association with Alberto and his team of riders and show my respect for him.
something nice about how those two numbers always remained linked, isn't there! now, back to jorge: for most of his career, he'd been running the number 48 (yes, coincidentally, the number casey had used in the british championships), in honour of his manager dani amatriain who he met when he was ten years old. more on their relationship here, but the most relevant bit is this:
so, until the start of the 2009 season, he'd had the number 48 on his bike (minus the one year where he ran the number one plate). he then had this massive and pretty traumatic falling out with his manager, and he went so far as to change his number to distance himself from the man:
which, good - it was obviously meaningful to him. he later chose to use the number one plate after his first premier class title but stuck to the 99 for the following two... in the end, he really made that number his own
except, one more thing. why 99? so apparently, he ran a fan poll at the end of 2008, and he chose the number that won. here, from an article after the 2015 season:
unfortunately, this doesn't give you a lot of detail about the fan poll... but if you get creative with the wayback machine, you can find an article from the motogp website from 2008 that gives you a little more to work with:
so he didn't really use a fan poll, he got the fans to just... slightly narrow down his preexisting choices. which is important context! fan poll this or that, he did basically choose the number himself
now, regrettably the next bit basically just urban legend. I have found no good source confirming this, it's just something you see on forum posts, it might just be conjecture. but... well, let's just take a second to consider who his three major rivals were at this point: dani, casey and valentino. and if we do some basic arithmetic...
26 + 27 + 46 = 99
look. I have zero evidence that this was actually the reasoning behind jorge's choice. but you have to admit it's one hell of a coincidence, and quite a funny one at that. there's something kind of charming about the idea that all four of those numbers ended up being connected in some way, first through the dani and casey thing and then by jorge linking all four of them together... and of course, it'd also be hilarious if this is how jorge approached choosing his number. 'actually, I'm all three of my rivals combined' - sorry, but I buy young jorge doing this. apart from anything else, that is a man who was canonically obsessed with his rivals, especially vale and dani. is this a dig at them or a tribute? both? neither? what's going on here? who's to say
maybe this isn't actually the explanation! either way, in 2009 jorge rocked up with his new number, having distanced himself from his manager and determined to be his own man now. he might have pretended like he didn't have big title ambitions for that season, but obviously he wanted this to be his year. at latest by the time he got to catalunya, he believed he could win this title and really wanted to beat valentino... he would have loved nothing more than to beat his teammate in a close and dramatic duel at home. except valentino gets the better of him, in pretty much the cruellest way imaginable
remember how we've established that assen was valentino's 100th victory? well, in an extremely annoying coincidence, catalunya of course just had to be valentino's 99th victory. because of course it was. and of course, because it's valentino, he does actually remember this while he's celebrating
funnily enough, the dorna commentators have no clue why he's doing this and are a little confused by valentino pointing at the 99 on jorge's bike. but I got it, valentino, don't worry! which is just... wonderfully irritating, isn't it. during his extremely extensive celebrations where he's really rubbing it in, taking control of the season and all that... he's also remembered exactly what number of wins he was on and decided to be an arsehole about it. think about all the things that had to play out the right way for this celebration to hit the way it did. even if you don't believe jorge's number was directly inspired by [valentino plus his other rivals], it was still a number he'd only gotten THAT year, just in time for this duel. of all the wins that could've given him 99, it had to be one of the very finest of valentino's career. it's just. so annoying
which brings us to assen 2009, victory number 100. they had two weeks to complete their lovely poster and choose the photo they'd take for victory number 99. of course, there's really only one way you can go here:
now, some scholars may recognise this photo as the 'knee retraction shot', where they got very close to making contact. this is headed down the main straight on the penultimate lap, where jorge has overtaken valentino on the straight but valentino has taken the outside line to out-brake jorge in order to reovertake him... and he's so close he actually has to briefly retract his knee to get past (see here for a little more detail). on the final lap, jorge does flirt with running valentino off the track to prevent this, so he did learn his lesson! still, it's the perfect shot: you've got the two numbers clearly displayed and they couldn't be closer together (actually *checks motegi 2010 notes* I suppose you can get them a little tighter still). yes, it's the obvious choice for the 99th victory photo - but again, incredibly annoying behaviour from valentino
one more fun thing: there was actually a second dramatic duel between jorge and valentino in 2009 that unfortunately has gotten forgotten about a little bit. this one was at the sachsenring, and again valentino emerged on top... another decisive blow against his young teammate's morale in a title fight he was increasingly in control of. let's just quickly check in on the painfully slim winning margin
now, I have zero proof for this, but in my heart I truly 100% believe that valentino both noticed and appreciated the coincidence. this whole thing is just very him, isn't it? jorge changes his number for deeply personal reasons, goes through some extensive introspection and an overly convoluted public process to choose his new number which may or may not have been directly inspired by his closest rivals... and then valentino (with an assist from the whole bloody universe, apparently) spent the next half year making this into another new fun part of valentino's story. it's valentino's super special 99th career win! it's part of the 100 career wins poster now! what a lovely coincidence, isn't valentino lucky! doesn't everything just somehow work out perfectly for him! wouldn't he fucking infuriate you! god
#I WANT the 99 thing to be true sue me. all I'll say is the maths checks out#jorge giving the voters the chance to stick with the 48 is so? what do you even do with that. like what does it all mean#fun fact: 2010 is actually the only year where all four of them use the numbers we most commonly associate them with#brr brr#casey stoner#//#matchvedev#batsplat responds#there's actually another thing that in a way makes a funny addendum to the story. links it nicely to jerez 2013#but that one's linked to a different ask I got so we'll leave it here for now#heretic tag#wall tag#alien tag
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sorry to log on n rant but i need to rant
#tbd.#ooc.#cw complaining#ignore the tags if u dont want to see how my life is going shdfhsf#so im doing my masters yeah#and im like. 75% thru#shouldve been done last month#but bc of the year ive had my uni adviser was rlly nice and sorted a way to extend my student status for another year#to get my dissertation done#like i did my 4 essays n now its just dissertation time#n i was supposed to start it now n get booked in with my mentor n stuff but i cant fucking log into the website#bc u need a MFA#and the MFA app my uni uses wont acknowledge me bc i have a different phone bc my phone broke#and a different number bc my phone contract got cut off#so idk what to do lol i cant log in and do anything#ive rang the IT desk for help 59w9er3424234 times#and everytime i get thru to the actual line n im taken off hold .. they hang up on me#idk if its a system error or my phone bc its a shit old one#but i cant do anything#and my universal credit claim got closed#non uk oomfs its a benefits system#n they help u with money to pay bills whether ur looking for work or unfit to work which is what my doctor said i am bc#my mental health and physical health combines to make me a super loser#n he thinks i might try to K word myself if i take too much on at once after eveerything#like i cant even sit and grieve my dad that died not even 6 months ago yet because i have to much shit to fucking do#like i cant afford to liven now#i cant pay my bills. they keep bouncing and coming back worse#i have debt collectors coming @ me#i am stuck in catch 22 man like not even my support workers can help me rn#and im very lucky that i own my own home bc of my car accident when i was 15 lol but everyone is just telling me to sell it
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When did the latest 1,000 of you follow me??? good lord hi and welcome, I should maybe pay attention to my notifications and activity page more 😭
#I’m not sure if you showed up about fanfiction or from one of my brief hyperfixations or from the cult post or from Star Trek or batfam#but hi welcome hello!#it’s just this! it’s just this. all the time. I bounce interests and recycle old ones#and share way too much personal life on this blog#especially in post tags#and i really love talking with people but most of the time my brain treats messages and asks and emails and texts#as if they are a deadly danger#so I WILL take up to 7 years to respond#but please know it haunts me every day#and I will get to it eventually#even if it’s long after you unfollowed me potentially#anyway. in this house we stan fairness and authenticity and compassion towards both others and self#and we are a pro skepticism and pro sourced-information and pro scientific research around here#AND obsessed with experiencing existence through the realm of story#I hope you enjoy your time here! you can always stick around and I’m happy to see you#but absolutely unfollow me at any time! curate your online experience! it should be good for you#when I or my blog no longer spark joy#please unfollow. I literally do not care. your experience is supposed to be nice for you#take what serves you and leave the rest.#this is just tumblr. you have a whole life#I’ll never be mad#👍#2024#this is a lot of followers. like not five digits a lot but INCOMPREHENSIBLE numbers to ME regardless lol#thanks for following whatever your reason was#personal
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Sooo new interest might have escalated quickly.
I entirely blame the Random Encounters Phasmophobia musical.
#not a reblog#like i was already going back to mangled a lot bc fun evil persona#but then you give me nice singing smug insidious evil and my brain goes like 👀#i have listened to this song an unhealthy number of times since first hearing it yesterday#can't wait for spotify to call me out on it at the end of the year#also listening to this with headphones??? the last line is gcjjcgtdhgjdgcj#it's like evil asmr and i am here for it#anyways hi i'm totally normal as always and liking new things a normal amount#...also you don't even /see/ nate in the video itself but this is what my brain has latched onto#nwtb
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*on my hands and knees* begging you,,, if an artist/writer/etc shares things with u,,, compliment them sometimes,,, pls,,,,,,,,
#vent#like reblogging art aside i mean like when artists specifically share shit with YOU#im getting really discouraged from sharing art in a few servers im in bc i never get any reception for things i share#like i know i cant expect praise over everything and yknow i make things for MY enjoyment#but it DOES hurt when i can count on one hand the amount of compliments i may have gotten over a whole year of sharing things#which makes me want to share things even less frequently and still getting crickets every time... yea#or if it IS someone saying something its usually a topic change or a joke and never acknowledges the art itself#and like. its so discouraging. esp when i make an effort to compliment a large number of things everyone else shares#so pls you dont have to kiss someones ass every time they send you a doodle but like#yknow if people are sending art to u or to a server ur active in a little 'nice!' 'looks good!' etc goes SO FAR#even if you dont understand the art a simple 'this looks cool' can make an artist's day fr#plsssss just tell ur friends you give a shit abt what they make once in a blue moon PLEEEAAAASE
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hi everyone, this is my monthly check-in <3
#not feeling so great lately...there's a lesion on my other knee now#and it most likely is cancer.#they want me to wait another 10 days for an mri???? like ur crazy#if u think i can wait that long.#sighhhhhhhhh.#anyway.#some cool things have happened#like spending all day in nyc with my partner on friday <3333#and um. i did wnt to vent about smth so uh.#ED tw#lately#my energy has been too low for me to wanna cook. which in turn made my stomach shrink a LOT#since i've been surviving by grazing on snacks.#and i didnt even realize i lost weight until i went to the doctor.#i didnt realize though that it would be even MORE lost when i weighed myself without my winter clothes#and uhhhh. i currently weigh what i weighed in my senior year of high school#which is the FIRST time i've been under a certain number in over SIX YEARS.#and i havent struggled at all w body negativity or ED thoughts in over a couple years. but.#now that my ideal gender expression has shifted more to the feminine side. and now that ive lost weight.#my brain INSTANTLY latched onto that#and was like omg YES do more of that#and it feels nice. this time im FINALLY not struggling to suppress my appetite!!! my body is doing that for me!#and obviously im still eating enough to live on#but still a huge caloric deficit. and rn my wheelchair shit keeps breaking on me. my mobility company is INCOMPETENT.#and my insurance might tell me i have to wait FIVE MORE YEARS for another type of chair......I WILL DIE BY THEN.#ugh everything is so complicated now. and im ALWAYS exhausted bc the sun sets at 4:30. i've just stopped binging and i replaced it with+#a LOT. of retail therapy. i've easily spent probably 1500 of my credit limit in the last 2 months. but you know.#that and not eating are 2 of the ONLY things i can control rn. out of all the fucking bullshit these useless people and my body put me thru#anyway. i'm sure you can tell how i feel rn. i'm just going to try doing anything else today.#vent
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Spotify wrapped is FINALLY HERE
#spotify#spotify wrapped#wrapped 2024#not sure I agree with my October listening phase#what even is pink Pilates princess strut pop#it’s a lot of words#and not ones I’d give myself#but whatever#Taylor in my number one just like last year#so nice to see one direction in my top five again#my work playlist def influenced my wrapped though because why is ho hey my number one song#I don’t even remember listening to it like. At all??
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Dresses that are nice but they're only made to fit you if you're 5'5 T____T
#tried on THE CUTEST dress in a medium but the waist was too high up and the skirt wasnt long enough#tried a large then and the waist was too big and the skirt STILL wasnt long enough!!#its the kind of style of dress that's supposed to cover like half your knees. and it didnt. blah#always the cutest dresses that are like long flowy and psychedelic that i like are like that#i did get a nice little green velvet victorian/swingin sixties jacket oh it was SUCH a success tho#i always have good luck with tops but dresses. ugh#i can only wear MINI dresses. bc a mini skirt is supposed to be short on you no matter what#medium-length dresses i have the worst luck with. im not even that tall im 5'7.#tales from diana#there's something weird about the black jeans from old navy#i bought two pairs of jeans at old navy in march of last year. the flare jeans are a size 4 and fit amazing#theyre like stretchy but not cheap and extremely comfy. theyre a typical denim blue#then i also got a straight-leg pair of black jeans. the black jean material is just not right anymore. it's extremely stiff#i know old navy mustve changed their sizes bc i have pants from them that are 5-10 years old (since i stopped growing)#and theyre all different sizes. like. i have old navy pants that are a snug 12 or a loose 4. but it was at least consistent at the time#i was trying on black flare jeans and i had to get an 8. i went in wearing THE SAME jeans i bought back in march#same CUT and everything. and even tho im tall the pants are still longer than what im used to#(im also used to my jeans being somewhat short on me) (so i dont mind it) (its more like they just cover the top of my foot)#the waist. bc i got two sizes up (old navy doesnt do odd number sizes for some reason). it like goes WAY up my waist#tho i dont mind that. im glad we're living in a high-waisted bootcut era. GRATEFUL#but still yeah.#the black jean fabric is just so stiff it's harder to squeeze yourself into even if it fits in the other color denim. u needa size up.#i went shopping w my friend (and kaily) (and our mom) (and then we went out to lunch after) bc i wanted to get her some pants#she's like 5'2 and all the pants were too long on her i felt bad. i bought her some sweaters and shoes#the sweaters were clearance only $6 i was like oh i have no problem getting those for u#still i felt bad bc they didnt have petite sizes in that store. like when she asked they were like 'no only if someone returns'#some other time we'll go to marshall's or tjmaxx >:F
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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i don't make resolutions, but if i did
it would be to finish this fic
(and to be kind to myself for however long it takes to actually do so)
#i'm finishing it if it kills me#i know i've been writing this makeout scene for 3 weeks but baby that can't last forever#if we want to get deep and dark and serious for a second i do think a lot of my struggles to write lately have to do with engagement#and how incredibly low engagement has been on the last few things i've written#which like. is what it is. i'm not entitled to anybody's time or comments or kudos.#but when you write stuff you're proud of and it feels like it's barely getting read it's hard to keep momentum.#this isn't intended as a woe is me or whatever it's just kind of like. there. hovering.#happens enough times you start to wonder if it's you. am i just writing for the wrong fandom/ship?#(too bad if so. they're in my bones i'm writing for them and no one can stop me.)#but yeah. if you ever wonder if authors do care or notice about hits. comments. kudos. buddy i am here to tell you#not only do we care and FLOURISH we also notice when those things drop off and readers vanish#and it is a giant bummer. and sometimes makes us wildly paranoid about why that might have happened.#so if you liked a fic today--not even one of mine. just. anybody's. share it. comment on it.#kudos at the VERY least (cuz frankly kudos is there to be an 'i got to the end and this was nice' feature.#so when you get 500 hits and only like 30 kudos? it feels like 470 of those people hated your work)#anyway. that got out of hand. lil' too raw lil' too honest. happens when you let yourself ramble at 11:30 instead of sleeping#to sum: let your local fic writer know if they've made you happy#and as we go into 2024 i am swearing to myself that this fic (and probably several others) are getting finished#come hell. high water. or dishearteningly low engagement numbers.#(and then maybe we...actually work on something original. cuz why not. new year same old me but i'll do my best.)
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