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honeytae · 5 years ago

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Honey, I’m home.

i’ve been working on this for a couple of days and i’m finally, dare i say, satisfied with how it came out. hopefully this has zero typos but i doubt it.

warnings: smut, fem!reader, nothing kinky, just some wholesome loving sex between Taehyung and his partner. no condom, Taehyung and his partner are committed to each other and of age, please in real life always use a condom!!

word count: 2.6k

You heard the click of the front door closing before you heard his nightly call of, “Honey, I’m home!”.

You giggled at the cliche line, Taehyung’s face spreading into a happy smile at the sound. Turning away from the television to look at your boyfriend, you watched him take his shoes off and place them by the front door.

His long permed hair was hanging down over his forehead into the air, his cute oversized crewneck riding up his tummy as he bent over to place his bag down on the floor. When he stood straight, he made eye contact with you, face still smiling happily as he quickly approached you.

Laying back against the cushions and opening up your arms in an invite, he climbed over you, laying on top of you as he let out a deep sigh. Picking his head up from your chest momentarily, he looked over at the television, opening his mouth to ask what you were watching before he saw Jonathan Van Ness walking into the apartment with a passionate “Yessss, werk”, feeling you giggle underneath him at the sassy remark. He pinched your side, giggling with you at the mans endearing antics on the screen.

You threaded your fingers through his dark locks of hair, him keening at the feeling of your nails scratching soothingly against his scalp.

“How was work, Tae?” you ask.

He lifts his face up from the place he’d buried it between your collarbones, a mere inch from your face.

“It was alright. We worked on that new choreography, I think I’m getting it down finally.”

His reply causes you to nod, assuring him with a genuine, “Of course you are, baby. I knew you would.”

He smiles at that, thankful to have such an amazing support system in his life.

Nuzzling your nose against his, he smiles at the sweet gesture. Placing his lips softly onto yours, you hum in appreciation of his affection. Trailing his hand down from the place it was cupping your jaw to your neck, he lightly caressed the area back and forth with his thumb.

The sweet kiss slowly turned into a more lustful one, Taehyung taking the initiation of swiping his tongue across your bottom lip. Opening your mouth eagerly, your tongues began to massage against each other as you trailed your hand down his back, fingers leaving a light trail of tickles down his spine.

Breaking the seriousness of the moment, he detached his lips from yours and giggled. You giggled back at him, your fingers pushing his hair back behind his ears and away from his face as he looked down at you. Leaning back into his lips, your fingers played with the strands of hair at the nape of his neck, Taehyung practically mewling into your mouth when you dug your fingernails into his scalp.

And that’s when things really escalated.

His hands were greedy. Trailing over every square inch of your body, he tucked your hair behind your ear, massaged your shoulders, softly traced circles into your wrists with his thumbs.

He stood up, squeezed the flesh of your sides, groped your hips, took your thighs in his grip and lifted you up so that your arms were around his neck and your legs were locked around his waist.

He carried you to your shared bedroom, walking the two of you down the hallway slowly and carefully. You were attached at the lips, and he was blinded by not only his closed eyes but also you being so close. Your scent, your aura; it was intoxicating to him.

Approaching the bedroom door, he turned around to push his back against it.

“Mmm, sexy.” His mouth spread into a wide smile at your words, gently laying you down on the mattress as if he’d break you. “Yeah?” he said, placing his elbows on either side of you as he propped himself up above your body. Chest to chest and face to face, he caressed your cheek with his pointer finger.

“Yeah, I like a man on a mission.” You smirked.

His eyes crinkled at your remark, mouth opening up in his classic box-shaped smile when you turned your face to lightly bite at the tip of his finger.

Placing your hands underneath his shirt flat against his back, you caressed the warm skin with your palms. Taehyung’s face softened, humming in appreciation of your gentle touch.

Lightly touching your lips to his, you say a soft, “I love you.”

With pure adoration in his eyes, he whispers “and I love you, angel. So much.”

He places a tender kiss to your chin, trailing his kisses over your jaw line. He begins to suck lightly, bringing soft pink blooms to the surface of your skin, and you grace his ears with your soft sighs and moans. Feeling him stiffen in his jeans against your thigh in reaction to your sounds, you lightly pushed against his chest to get his attention.

Whining out a desperate “I need you, baby.”

Taehyung nodded at your words, feeling just as desperate to get closer to you, too. Breathing heavily as his fingers slid underneath the hem of your top, you sat up a little bit as he prompted you, your move enabling him to slide the shirt off of your head.

Giggling at your messy hair, he swept his nose against yours in a sweet eskimo kiss. Contradicting that innocent action, he slides his hands down and back up your body, massaging your breasts through your bra and sucking on your neck to leave harsh marks as your low moans met his ears.

Sliding his hands under your back, he unclips your bra before tossing it somewhere behind him. He attaches his lips to your right nipple, suckling and nibbling before switching to the left one. Placing your hands on the button of his jeans, you undo the button and unzip them, shoving them down his thighs in a desperate attempt to get them off. Tangling your hands in his hair, you pull, Taehyung sucking in a breath through his teeth at the light sting on his scalp.

“Tae,” you pant, “you have too many clothes on.”

He laughs, but nonetheless aides you in taking his shirt off. Running your hands along his newly exposed abdomen, he hums in content.

He kissed your nose, then your cheek, your other cheek, and your forehead, whispering out an “I love you” with each press to your skin. Nuzzling his nose against your cheek in a loving action, his hands traced along your stomach. Slipping his long fingers underneath the waist of your pants and panties, he pushed them both down eagerly.

His long fingers slid down from your hips to your heat, his middle finger gathering the slick between your folds as you let out a shuddered breath into his mouth, his lips catching yours in a passionate kiss. Gripping his shoulders, he let out low moans as you dug your nails into his skin. Rubbing his pointer finger against your clit, you whined in pleasure, detaching yourself from Taehyung’s lips as your mouth hung open.

As he inserted his pointer and middle finger into your entrance, he groaned at your sudden warmth wrapped around them. He kept his thumb rubbing at your sensitive bud, loving the way you were moaning and writhing underneath him. As you opened your eyes to look at him, you found that he was studying you, looking down at his fingers pumping in and out of you, back to your face to see how you were reacting. His eyebrows were pinched together in concentration; his only mission right now was to make you feel good. His pupils were blown wide open with lust and love. Your cheeks flushing in heat and suddenly feeling your high approaching, you moved your hand to cup his cheek, meeting his eyes.

“You gotta stop now or I’m gonna cum.” you said, Tae breaking into a smirk as he replied cockily, “You sure you don’t wanna cum now? You’re not really giving me any signs you want this to stop, baby.”

And it was true, you weren’t. Your body was completely contradicting your words, entrance clenching around his fingers when he tried to pull them out. Giggling, you lightly hit his shoulder, muttering a “shut up,” as he gently pulls his fingers out. “My body doesn’t like to listen to my brain sometimes.” He laughed in response to your words, nodding in understanding.

Flipping him over on his back, you crawled on top of him, Taehyung feasting his eyes on your completely nude form on top of him. He smirked as your breasts swung in front of his face as you readjusted yourself on his hips.

Scanning your body up and down a couple of times, he makes eye contact with you with a low voice that makes you shiver, “You’re fucking stunning, Baby.”

Shaking your head to dismiss him, he gently cups your jaw in his palm, sitting up to be closer to your face. “You are. The most stunning angel. And I love you.” He presses a sweet kiss onto your lips.

You decide to drop the topic for now, shimmying lower on his body so you could lean down into his neck. Sucking harsh marks into his skin, Tae let out soft sighs and moans of appreciation, loving whenever you marked him up. you sucked all over his neck, all the way over to the sensitive spot underneath his ear. He gripped your hips as you pulled away a bit to breathe, your breath fanning out across the hickey you’d just sucked into his skin and cooling the still wet area.

You moved to get off of Taehyung, him scrambling after you in confusion, eyes wide and almost fearful that he’d done something wrong. Realizing that you were just taking his pants all the way off his legs, he relaxed. You shot him a kind smile, leaning over him as you pressed a sweet chaste kiss to his lips.

“I love you.”

He nodded, thankful for your reassurance and deep understanding of him. You knew him so well; you knew what each and every move he made meant he was thinking. And he loved you for that.

Uttering an “I love you more.” As a smirk lit up his face, you rolled your eyes and smiled back at him.

“Just take your pants off, Tae.” you dismissed him teasingly, his jaw dropping in feigned offense as he dramatically carried on,

“You only want to get in my pants, dont you? Aish, I thought I knew you better than that.” You lightly slapped his chest in response to his teasing, although you giggled at your boyfriends silly antics.

Nevertheless, he slid his pants off, bringing his underwear down with them. With his erection sprung free, you placed yourself atop his thighs, massaging them lightly as he groaned, whining out a desperate,

“Baby girl c’mon, don’t tease me. I didn’t tease y-“

His words got cut off by his choked gasp as you suddenly lowered your mouth onto the head of his length without warning. Swirling your tongue around the angry red tip, you smiled around him as you noticed in your peripheral vision that he was gripping the sheets underneath him to stop himself from screaming at your actions. Taking him in farther, he looked down at you to watch as his length disappeared into your mouth. Throwing his head back against the duvet, he tugged your hair with the fingers that had been clutching onto the tendrils. You released him from your mouth, taking the cue, and he immediately took your hand in his.

He pulled you up so that you were face to face, intertwining your fingers with his as he pressed a gentle kiss to your lips. You smiled at each other, content, and in love. Leaning down to catch his intoxicating soft lips again, he met you halfway, crashing his lips to yours and pinching your back in an attempt to make you gasp. You did, just as he knew you would, and he took the opportunity to push his tongue into your mouth, swirling around yours in a massaging motion once again.

You reached down below you blindly, running your hand down his chest, his stomach, all the way down his happy trail. Gripping him at his base, he gasped because of the hypersensitivity of his hard muscle. You pulled away from his lips, concentrating on placing your entrance at the mushroom head of him.

He held your hip to support you, and pushing your hips down onto him, you sunk inch by inch down his length. You and him maintained eye contact the entire time, a very intimate moment as you joined together. Taehyung squeezed your hip as you bottomed out, groaning as his eyes rolled back into his head at your sweet warmth tight around him. It made him feel like he was home. He was as close as he possibly could be to you; of course this was home to him.

He watched you, completely fascinated by the hair hanging down around your face, the slight scrunch in your eyes as you adjusted to his size, your lips slightly parted in a blissful expression.

You lifted yourself up, nearly taking his length out completely before sinking back down onto him, taking him in all the way. As you continued the same pattern, your delicious moans filling his ears, he squeezed your hand, taking it in his larger one, feeling his heart seize as he felt you squeeze back, even in your state of being so unaware of anything except for the pleasure you were experiencing.

Taehyung felt your pace slow, you letting out whines of frustration, and he knew you’d tired yourself out. He let go of your hand, instead placing both of his palms on your hip bones as he lifted you up and started thrusting his length into you, burying his face in your neck as he let out low grunts. He moaned as you gyrated your hips against his, palms going around your hips to your ass, squeezing the flesh that bounced on him.

Flipping you over so that he could speed up his pace, he watched as your hair floated around you on the pillow like a halo, taking a mental picture as your mouth popped open, looking positively pornographic as you let out loud moans, fueling him to drill his hips faster into you until you both approached your finish.

Smashing your lips together and trading desperate “i love you so much”s and “god you’re amazing”s, he shot his load into you, trying to catch his breath as he rested his forehead on yours.

His hot ropes of cum coated your walls, you following in suit as you came around him. You felt some of it leaking out of your entrance around Taehyung’s length, him steadily pulling himself out and gathering up the liquid around your folds, softly caressing them before swiftly removing his fingers from the over sensitive area. He crawled to the headboard and laid on his back, reaching over for a tissue from the nightstand to clean you up. Lovingly, he swiped the tissue against your sex, cleaning up the fluids that had gotten on your inner thighs.

Easily pulling your limp body toward his own, he laid your head on his chest, discarding the tissue in the trash bin. You curled your body into his side, lifting your arm to tuck his hair behind his ear. It had fallen into his face in the midst of your escapades; now that it was longer, it’s something you’d become accustomed to. He smiled at you, lifting your arm to his mouth as he pressed tender kisses in the crease of your elbow, eyes sparkling as he looked back at you.

Both of you content in each other’s arms, you began to doze off. Feeling the slow rise and fall of his chest below you, you succumbed to sleep, exhaustion overtaking you.

#taehyung #taehyung imagine #smut #taehyung smut #bts smut #bts writing #taehyung writing

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therucrap · 4 years ago

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RPDR 13 Episode 1 RuCrap

Hello dear internet! I just started a new page for my first ever RPDR RuCrap so please share and follow and I’ll continue if they catch on! Hope you enjoy!

The lucky 13th season of RuPaul’s Trauma Spectacular launches with the promise of “all new surprises” and a brand new twist that will leave you wondering how you ever sat through a boring old premiere with a coherent intro, climax, and conclusion when you could be enduring a dizzying hour and a half of WOW presents Happy Death Day 3: Covid Edition!

We open up on the trusty trauma center - I mean Werk Room - and the first to enter is NYC’s “Dominican Doll” and human drag lingo See ‘N Say Kandy Muse in an elaborate bejeweled patchwork jean mini dress and MATCHING DENIM BOOMBOX and she immediately informs us that we may know her from the now former Haus of Aja which was recently deconstructed like the pair of Wranglers that Kandy is wearing as fingerless gloves. Kandy is no longer alone in VIP because the befeathered Joey Jay arrives and half-heartedly delivers her intro line. “Filler queen!” We discover that Kandy is likely going to provide our Greek chorus confessional this season and all in a soft smoky eye when she informs us uncultured swine that Joey is wearing the cheapest variety of feather - chicken. Kandy didn’t construct an entire outfit from the remnants section of a Joanne Fabrics and not learn a thing or two about quality, sweetie! Joey is determined to beat viewers to the punchline and immediately clucks around branding herself as “basic” and “filler.” Joey is from the city of Phoenix (and possibly the online University as well) but she’s here to rise like a chicken!

Thunder mysteriously rumbles as RuPaul appears on the digitally enhanced Werk room TV but what could this be?! For all you newbies this is one of the several instances in every season where Ru mixes things up and gives us what we really want: a twist that is equal parts confusing, fucks up the natural order of the competition, and is ultimately unfulfilling! Come on season 13, let’s put a bunch of queer people through even more turmoil in a pandemic! Ru has a surprise but they’ll have to head to the mainstage to get the full story that they’ll be recounting to a mental health professional later!

We’re merely four minutes in and here comes Ru down the runway dressed like a glitterdot jellyfish! Our tour guide on Trauma Island introduces us to the main panel of judges for the season - Disco Morticia Addams and the two human Trapper Keepers who are now separated by glass because for the first time in Drag Race herstory we’re in the middle of a international health crisis, mawma!

Now let’s get down to trauma! Ru explains that the queens will be pairing off to lipsync unexpectedly as they enter! What could possibly go wrong? Well if you’re hoping that someone comes in wearing blades on their feet well just stick around because I have quite the treat for you! Our Dungaree Diva and the Chicken Feather Filler hit the Mainstage looking as confused as Shangela researching CDC protocol on her way to Puerto Vallarta last week. The judges interview our test subjects and immediately bring up the Haus of Aja and Kandy clarifies that she’s now an esteemed member of The Doll Haus along with last season’s ever-gorgeous Dahlia Sinn. I personally prefer not to say that Dahlia was eliminated first but instead that she was season 12’s brocco-leading lady! (Writer’s note: if you’re thinking “there’s a drag show called The Doll Haus in my hometown... is it THAT Doll Haus?!” No, there’s a drag show called The Doll Haus in almost every city in America but now, like with the former Sharon Needles, Kim Chis, and Penny Trations of the world, this one’s been on TV and alas, the others must now rename themselves)! Joey also charms the judges with her plucky demeanor and it’s already time to lipsync feather they like it or not!

Gay anthem Call Me Maybe by Canadian legend Carley Rae Jepson begins and Kandy immediately pushes a fake button on her DENIM BOOMBOX to start the party. Honestly... crown her right there on the spot. We will ALWAYS give points for prop work and the Carrot Top of the Bronx does not disappoint. Both are energetic but it’s The Dutchess of Denim who wins by infusing humor and our feathered friend is given “the Porkchop” but before we can even wrap our head around what this means for the state of the competition we snap back to the Werk Room to meet our next unsuspecting victims!

Now dear reader, this is the part where I’m just going to cut the shit. The set-up they’re selling us is that the losers of these premiere lipsyncs will be eliminated from the show but they are obviously not about to Porkchop half of the cast on day one so just stick with me while we suspend disbelief and go on RuPaul’s Totally Twisted Trauma Adventure as she convinces 6 gay people who just spent upwards of $10,000 on clothing, jewelry, and hair and then meticulously packed it into regulation suitcases to travel here during a pandemic after probably not making any money for the last four months (this was filmed in July) that they are going home on day one! This herstory-making twist, like so many before it, exemplifies the show’s worst qualities: a lack of empathy for its contestants, an underestimation of viewer intelligence and ability to decode heavy-handed editing witchery, and its love for completely dismantling its own format every year for the sake of drama. Whatever keeps the Emmy’s coming, baby! When you’re on the other side of one of these twists you usually feel like you just finished your morning coffee only to find out that the barista gave you decaf. Your mind will be blown when it’s happening but the payoff is usually at the expense of the show’s own legitimacy. With that said... this is the punishment we come to gleefully endure every year and we’re not here to complain, we’re here to watch gay people break down, dammit!

It’s deja Ru all over again as we snap back to the Werk Room where Chicago’s Denali walks in on ice skates and immediately ruins any chance of a deposit return for the bumpy, rented roll-out vinyl floors and declares “Let me break the ice!” She’s wearing the expensive feathers that Joey Jay didn’t spring for. Denali might not be the first ice skater on Drag Race but she’s the one I didn’t watch shit on a dick on Twitter last week so let’s give credit where it’s due. Ugh I wish Trinity the Tuck could block THAT from my memory! Next up is Atlanta’s Lala Ri whose white blazer, body suit, and unteased hair is immediately called basic by an icy Denali in confessional. Denali is confident but we know something that she doesn’t and Lala is wearing a sensible dancing ankle boot not two blades on her feet so let’s see how this turns out!

The lipsync song is “When I Grow Up” by Nicole Scherzinger and her assistants who were accidentally given microphones a few times! Denali struggles to conceal her wayward nipples during some ambitious dance moves and all while in skates but Lala gives us a good old fashioned drag performance and a big finale split unbothered by an elaborate costume and ultimately ices Denali who signs off with “Feeling icy, feeling spicy!” Asking these queens to lipsync upon entering is one thing but asking them to improvise their exit lines 10 minutes in is just cruel!

Denali heads backstage devastated where SURPRISE... Joey Jay is sitting alone in a sad room made of plywood walls featuring a bunch of pictures of first eliminated queens, an ominous “Porkchop Loading Dock” sign, and some cocktail tables with no cocktails (how dreadful).

Before we get the full picture and God for bid our bearings on Mr Charles’ Wild Ride let’s leave this plywood hellscape and jump back into the familiar comfort of the Werk Room’s pixelated neon pink faux brick walls where LA’s modelesque Symone stomps in wearing a dress made of tiny Polaroids of herself. She’s stylish, her energy is fresh, and she’s clearly one to watch. Then dear reader life as we know it changes. A breeze comes through the room and God herself blesses us when living legend and matriarch of the Iman dynasty Tamisha Iman from Atlanta arrives in a pointy-shouldered red power suit and proclaims to us simple townsfolk “Holler at me, I know you know me. Holler at me, I know you know me. Tamisha is here!” The sea parts, the crops are replenished, and all war stops on Earth. On stage Tamisha reveals that she’s been doing drag for 30 years (which seems like a long time to us mere mortals) and that she was originally cast last season but was diagnosed with colon cancer two days later and had to stay home for chemo. The lipsync gods wisely choose The Pleasure Principle by Janet Jackson and Tamisha gives us exact Janet arm choreo while Simone is sultry yet commanding as she shakes her Polaroids. The judges determine that Simone was picture perfect and American hero Tamisha Iman is sent to Porkchop’s Shipping Crate of Horrors to join the nest with the fancy feather option and the chicken feather option.

We begrudgingly crawl back onto RuPaul’s ever-circling carousel of doom and plop back into the workroom where accomplished LA celebrity makeup artist GottMik stomps in wearing a wacky toile dress and a full face of white makeup declaring that it’s “Time to crash the system!” GottMik is Drag Race’s first trans man contestant (and first knowingly cast trans contestant at all) for which we cheer excitedly and then immediately look at our watches because that took too long. Next up Minneapolis’s towering Utica wriggles in with a sneeze and declares “She’s sickening!” which is just the pandemic humor I came here for! Contaminate me, mom! This gay scarecrow is wearing a series of crazy patterns and a big strawberry on her head and the two of them appear to be from the same traveling circus. These two Big Comfy Couch characters slink over to the main stage where Utica explains that her cranial statement fruit symbolizes tackling obstacles because she used to be allergic to strawberries as a kid but she grew out of it. In RuPaul’s heavy universe of heart wrenching struggles that contain chronic illness and societal rejection, Utica’s animated world that suffers only of outgrown childhood strawberry problems is a welcome one. These two lanky rag dolls will be lipsyncing to Rumors by her majesty Lady Lohan of Mykonos and the vibe is instantly wacky. I wouldn’t say that either of them are the next Kennedy Davenport but they did complement each other well on the invisible obstacle course they were both miming through. Utica’s hair flops over her eye, there’s galloping and floor humping, GottMik does a split, there’s elbows and knees aplenty, and all that’s missing is dancing poodles. The judges are tickled by the kookiness of both of these human windsocks but Gotmikk snatches the win. Neither of these two are going to win So You Think You Can Dance but luckily this is RuPaul’s So You Think You Can Trauma so we’re in luck!

Our homosexual Groundhog Day continues back in the Werk Room where we meet NYC’s Rosé who gets the Brita treatment where she’s presented as a legendary New York queen and then the editors quickly get to work making her look delusional. She’s accomplished, confident, and Drag Race’s favorite personality type to dismantle and then trick into returning to All-Stars for a redemption only to dismantle again. Rosé’s fresh-faced foil Olivia Lux enters and lights up the place right away in a velvet pink and yellow gown. She’s a humble NYC newby who has competed in shows hosted by the established Rosé and we already know what’s about to happen here. The lipsync is Exes and Oh’s by Elle King which which was a choice. Olivia strips off her gown to reveal a bodysuit so she can really articulate and Rosé does the world’s least exciting split that looked like me trying unsuccessfully separate wooden chopsticks. Olivia triumphs and Rosé fizzles as she heads to the It Didn’t Werk Room aka Porkchop’s sparsely decorated storage closet to be with the other Have Nots.

We’re almost to the finish line and we limp, slightly disoriented, back to the Werk Room where we meet Tina Burner, another NYC theater kid with the confidence of a thousand Patti LuPones who is dressed like a Ronald McDonald firefighter. What she lacks in nuance she makes up for in nonstop fire puns. Next Chicago’s glamorous Kahmora Hall saunters in glowing and is clearly unimpressed with Tina’s constant Joan Rivers impression but maintains a full pageant smile. No choice but to stan. Our final queen is the refreshingly optimistic Elliott with 2 T’s who busts in wearing a bolero jacket, some red pants from the store, and a short pink wig that screams “Sorry I’m late! Here’s my flash drive! I can go on whenever!” Elliott dances in sing-talking her entrance line like the TGIFriday’s server she is: “I’m the queen you want to see. Elliot with two T’s. Okay! Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh! Okay!” Elliot is a dancer from Las Vegas and has the unhinged camp counselor energy of someone with snacks in her purse at all times.

On the Mainstage Tina cycles through the last of her introductory fire puns and tells the judges she was in a boy band which honestly tracks. Tina and Rosé share a similar NYC gotta-get-a-gimmick energy but for some reason production has decided to give Rosé the womp womp edit and Tina the superstar edit. The song is Lady Marmalade because we haven’t been though enough and Kahmora serves subdued sexy glamour, Elliott does the splits, and Tina bobs and weaves between the two with full play-to-the-back-row comedy queen energy. Tina extinguishes the dreams of the other two and RuPaul sends the final two losers to the chokey.

The worst is over (we think) and our frazzled cast of hopefuls finally gets to know eachother in their two very different groups. The winning queens in the Werk Room are celebrating and as blissfully unaware of the doom around them as Miss Vanjie and Silky Ganache at a Puerto Vallarta circuit party during a pandemic. Over in Porkchop’s Junk Drawer the camera looms unnecessarily close to the crestfallen losers’ now disheveled wigs and sweat drenched makeup. Ru’s voice bellows over the speaker to tell this motley crew to get out and then as the last bit of light leaves their weary eyes she checks back in to tell them that she wasn’t serious! Oh good! Finally a moment of mercy for these once hopeful queens on their first day of RuPaul’s Wipeout! She then reveals that the full twist is that she is only going to send one home but they have to vote amongst the group of losers to decide who it is! Yes, that’s correct! This group of broken queens who just met and mostly have never seen eachother perform will now be expected to turn on eachother and give up their last bit of dignity to either grovel or just straight up fight with eachother! This must be what the Donner Party’s last night looked like. The queens look around broken and wounded but still hungry, their eyes barely open, their lacefronts only partially attached to their heads, and start deciding which of their own is about to get consumed. Her highness Tamisha Iman reminds them "Well, I'm the only black girl so don't vote me off” and just like that we are TO BE CONTINUED!

Thus concludes our first headspinning episode that despite being reliably frustrating has once again sucked us in and against our better judgement entertained us to the fullest! As for our 13 queens- you can use code HERSTORY on Talkspace while relaying tonite’s events to a sickening liscensed therapist!

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artificialqueens · 5 years ago

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How Far I'll Go Chapter 5 (Ninex) - Mia Ugly, Meggie

A/N: Previously: Nina and Cracker resolved their tension, though Cracker appears to know more than she’s letting on. The queens were grouped in threes to recreate some classic sapphic films, and Nina isn’t feeling great about his team’s performance. Meanwhile, Monet helps Nina calm his nerves.

To come: the runway, the reckoning, a flashback. And a musical number. Of course.

(Thank you to everyone who has been reading/commenting on this. Your enthusiasm is means more than we can say, and we’re so grateful.)

Here is the link for the song in this chapter, in case you want to sing along at home!

Chapter 5: I bet you’ve got secrets too

Nina wakes up and is still on Drag Race.

(Will the same thing be true tomorrow morning? Don’t think about that right now.)

He showers, gets dressed, heads down to breakfast. As he’s waiting for the elevator he tries not to fidget too much, not to start biting his nails or tugging at the buttons on his cuff. He’s already vibrating with anxiety and the day hasn’t even started yet. Breathe, girl (but then that just makes him think about Monét, their shared breath yesterday in the Werk Room, the warmth of Monét’s hands against his. In, out. Goddamn if Nina isn’t going to remember Monét’s voice all low and calm like that, or their eyes locked together, for maybe probably the rest of his life).

The elevator dings as it opens, and - Jesus Christ.

This time Nina recognizes the gasping couple immediately.

“What—and I cannot stress this enough—the fuck, you guys?”

Brooke and Vanjie immediately pull away from each other. Nina turns his back. He doesn’t want to see them, doesn’t need to have this conversation. If either of them think that he’s going to spend the rest of the day talking them down from whatever lovelorn panic spiral they end up in, well - they’re wrong. That’s what they are.

So much for “it won’t happen again” and “we’re done” and all of that. Nina should’ve known better. He’s heard the speech from both of them before, after all, and look where it’s left them. (Not to belabour a point, but it’s left them here, on All Stars, making out in elevators and then pretending that anyone is fooled.)

When he gets to the conference room, the mentors have already left. Nina - tries not to feel too disappointed. It just means he probably won’t see Monét until tonight on the runway (even then, it will only be from a distance.)

Maybe that’s for the best. Nina could use a bit of distance.

After that dream last night, Monét’s been in his head all morning, and Nina’s got to be stronger than this (put it aside, right? Give it up, throw it away. Do something else with these feelings, anything except - feel them).

He sits with Asia for breakfast, ignoring Brooke and Vanjie as they go off to separate corners of the room, neither of them speaking to each other (both of them avoiding eye contact with Nina. Thank God for that).

“I think we were okay,” Asia tells him about her scene. “Like, we got it the hell together. But those two…” She raises an eyebrow, no more clarification needed. “They gotta figure out their shit. They still fucking?”

“I - have no idea.” Nina likes Asia, trusts her, but - he really doesn’t know how to answer that question. Given the situation in the elevator this morning. And yesterday morning. And - you know, probably most mornings (nights, afternoons) since they damn well broke up.

“Did you know Trixie’s man split with her?” Asia asks the question like she’s asking Nina if he knows what the weather’s going to be like. “Vanjie told me. I guess Miss Mattel was all up in her feelings yesterday.”

“Really?” Nina’s genuinely surprised. From the vibes that Trixie gave off on social media, he thought her boyfriend was kind of a - sure thing. Jesus, what was his name? Well, Nina knew at one point, and Trixie had been writing songs about him and - it’s all unexpected. Though of course Nina doesn’t know her as a person at all, really. Just knows her as Trixie Mattel, All Star and business mogul and celebrity shit-talker.

“The tea is that it’s because of some pics with Katya, you know.”

“I… don’t.”

“Like romantic photos. Nothing - I’m not talking dick pics, honey. Just some shit from a show or something, you know how they are. All touchy, cuddly. Anyway, I don’t have the details or anything. Just what Miss Vanjie was spilling.”

Nina thinks back to Trixie Mattel’s awkwardness from their time on set yesterday. The way she flinched when they brought up Katya. Jesus - no, no. He’s not going to take on anyone else’s drama right now. Ru Paul’s Best Friends Race? More like Ru Paul’s Messy High School Soap Opera.

Nina’s shaky and anxious for most of the day, despite his best efforts. He tries to keep a brave face on, tries to convince himself he’s got nothing to worry about. His Lavender Menace runway look is one of his favourites: a super-cinched mermaid silhouette that drips with pale purple beads and holographic paillettes. He feels like a futuristic Barbra Streisand in “Hello Dolly!” and can’t wait for the judges to see it.

He and Brooke paint next to each other at the mirror, a bit quieter than usual (Nina is not going to ask, is not going to give in to the Branjie drama du jour.) There’s always been a calm that surrounds Nina while he paints so he relaxes into it. He knows this part, understands it, trusts his hands with the brushes even if he doesn’t completely trust his body on the runway (or trust his sisters with their votes). He relies on muscle memory and an arsenal of information gleaned from the countless queens with whom he’s worked over the years. Makeup he’s confident in. Makeup is what he can put his hands all over and make his own. If he has nothing else, he has his face (and fully made up, with the right shade of lipstick and just the right wig, Nina feels almost pretty. Close enough that with a couple drinks in, you might not know the difference).

Today he’s chosen a deep plum eye flecked with holographic glitter. It’s a lot, it’s over the top, it’s very Nina West, which is exactly what he’s here to show them. Too much of himself got lost in Season 11 and that can’t - won’t- happen again. His glitter might exactly match the paillettes on his dress. He might have planned that. His purple eyeshadow might also match Monét’s purple lipstick from the finale night (that, he didn’t plan. Honest.)

After he makes the connection, though, it’s almost all he can think about, which is not a good thing. He should be focusing on the competition. On turning it out on this runway. On trying to ignore the feeling that it could be his last one.

A couple of innocuous conversations about the “inner saboteur” happen while they’re all painting together, but the producers are looking for that hook, so - of course it’s only a matter of time before they convince someone (in this case Ivy, who probably didn’t realize it was a trap) to ask the inevitable question.

“Brooke and Vanjie. What was it like being on the same team again? Like playing a couple after - you know, everything?”

Nina stiffens, knows that this question is going to fuck with Brooke and Vanjie’s heads. The two of them look over at each other and then away, before Nina forces himself to focus on his own reflection in the mirror. He packs more plum eyeshadow on his brush, taps it carefully on his eyelid, pretends he isn’t listening. (Of course he’s listening. They’re all listening.)

“It’s fine, girl,” Vanjie says, trying desperately to sound nonchalant. “Makes it more realistic, don’t it? Plus that shit is ancient history. Like, back when there were dinosaurs and shit.”

“Is it awkward though?” Shea asks. “Being on the same season again?”

“No,” Brooke says a beat too late, a note too high. Nina winces at the sound, then hopes that none of the cameras caught that. The last thing he wants to do in his talking-head tonight is answer questions about Branjie. “I mean, we stayed friends, stayed really close—”

“Oh yeah, real close.” Vanessa snorts, runs his tongue across his teeth, stares down at the bottle of foundation on his table. The Werk Room falls silent. Brooke’s hand pauses, mascara wand poised above his right eye, waiting for the bomb to drop, waiting for Vanessa’s next move.

Nina’s waiting too.

But Vanjie just releases a deep breath and clicks his tongue. “Yeah, we cool. We did what we did in the scene, now we just gotta wait. But baby, it’s gonna be all fine.”

* * *

It’s anything but all fine, as it turns out.

The runway is one thing. Clearly Brooke looks gorgeous in purple (Nina isn’t blind). Vanjie goes unexpectedly high-fashion in an asymmetrical gown patterned with lilacs, lilacs also forming a crown atop her white-blonde wig—a May Queen, a Midsummer Night’s dream. Nina feels like a bag of money in his dress, and if he searches for Monét’s approving gaze from the audience, well - it doesn’t have to mean anything. It doesn’t mean anything. Nina uses this ache for fuel, stomps the runway like maybe, maybe, maybe he’s winning Monét over. Like he’s cool and sexy and mysterious, like he could be the kind of person someone like Monét would fall for.

He lets that fantasy carry him as he flirts with the judges, spins at centre stage, and leaves the runway walking on air (he’s done what he can, let’s hope it’s enough).

When they’re all called back to watch the films and listen to the judges’ critiques, Nina’s fantasy starts to fade.

Shea, Nina Bo’nina, and Ivy slay (as Nina completely expected). The three of them look gorgeous (Shea’s purple dress has a bustle and train that nearly stretches the length of the runway, it’s dramatic as hell and the judges are living). Their scene is weird and glamorous and perfect: Shea as Carol, Ivy as Therese, and Nina Bo’nina as the surprise jealous ex-girlfriend have Ru almost crying with laughter. There’s no doubt that they’re going to be in the top tonight - or at least two of them will.

Brooke and Vanjie, well… Being bad at acting is one thing, but Nina can’t for the life of him figure out how they’re so bad at playing a couple when they’ve literally been doing it since their break up last fall. If only Aileen Wuornos had an Instagram, Nina thinks bitterly, they’d be fucking set.

The looks are on point, and Asia is a lone bright star as an evil police officer, but Brooke and Vanjie are kind of a mess. Nina doesn’t know how to feel about it—it’s hard to feel anything when he’s still waiting for his own scene to play.

And then it does.

Blair reaches over and takes hold of Nina’s hand as the clip rolls, and it is - not great.

Not awful - but definitely not great.

Nina gets a couple good laughs, and Cracker looks the part, but Michelle was right - they are stiff, and they don’t look like they’re having fun. Blair in particular looks terrified on-screen (and Nina can feel Blair’s hand tightening against his as the scene unfolds).

When it ends, Nina tries to smile graciously but he knows it falls flat. On the other side of Blair, Cracker stares down at the runway.

Ross claps enthusiastically, but Ru and Michelle applaud more out of polite tradition. And that’s when Nina knows that they’re fucked.

“Ladies,” Ru says after a short deliberation break where Nina desperately tries to hold Blair together without falling apart himself. “What an - interesting approach to this week’s challenge. Here’s some advice: stop letting personal matters get in the way of your success.”

Nina gulps.

“That said, let’s move on to the judges’ critiques.”

They love Shea (of course). Ivy’s dress isn’t their favorite silhouette, but they commend her on the flawless construction and the bold use of lavender and grey plaid wrapping paper (that queen is something else). The other Nina has painted her entire body purple and green as a living, breathing representation of a lavender plant and the judges are interested if not completely sold. Either way, Nina hasn’t heard enough negative critiques to feel safe.

Brooke is next. The judges fawn over his form-fitting fully-stoned pageant gown, the pale color of the fabric accentuating the creamy undertone of his skin. Michelle especially loves that he’s wearing a deep auburn wig, says it changes his entire aesthetic and is the perfect balance to the rest of the look.

“But I see we still haven’t taken any acting classes,” she continues carefully.

Brooke purses his lips. “I actually did, I just—” He sighs. “It was a rough week for me.”

Michelle nods, narrows her eyes, and then surprisingly - drops it? She doesn’t listen to excuses from anyone, but for some reason she doesn’t go right for Brooke’s throat this week. Nina suspects she knows exactly what (or who?) Brooke is referring to. Michelle usually does.

Asia’s electric purple feathers are another judges’ favorite, and she’s complimented by both Michelle and Ross for being the saving grace of an otherwise dim performance.

Nina can see Vanjie crumbling with nerves, but the smile he pastes on when Ru says his name is radiant, could light up Columbus in a pinch. If Vanjie just knew how to channel that control into challenges - Nina forces himself to listen.

“First of all, you look flawless. This is not your Season 10 or Season 11 Miss Vanjie. You are stepping up, girl.” Michelle smiles, and Vanjie’s face could now light the entire state of Ohio.

“But I’d like to know who made the decision that you and Brooke would play the main couple?” Ross asks.

Blackout. Vanessa’s mouth falls open. “I- We- It was a group decision.”

“We thought it made the most sense,” Brooke supplies weakly, “seeing as how we have a history.”

Michelle nods. “I get it, but it just didn’t work.” She looks at Asia. “What did you have to say about all that?”

Asia shakes her head. “I trusted my sisters. They said they could handle it and I believed them. You can’t fake the kind of chemistry that Vanjie and Brooke have. I just wish it had translated better.”

“Mmm,” Michelle agrees. “Or at all.”

“You didn’t think maybe it would be too much like art imitating life?” Ru asks, gesturing between Brooke and Vanessa, who are both looking anywhere but at each other. “Ex-lovers playing lovers? That’s…” He chuckles, but there’s little joy behind it. It’s cold, even for Ru. “That’s playing with fire, kids.”

“I wouldn’t even have cared if it worked,” Ross says gently. “Play with all the fire you want, burn the stage down, but give us something.”

“Ross will be hearing from our union representative. Thank you ladies.” When Ru glances over at Nina, the corners of his mouth tick upwards, but only slightly. “Nina West.”

“First of all…” Michelle kisses her fingers like a chef. “This gown? Gorgeous. Hair, perfection. You look stun-ning. But that performance, girl…”

Nina nods. “I know.”

“Last season, every acting challenge you were high-larious. What happened?”

“There’s been a lot going on -” Stay vague, sis. Don’t be the one who throws people under the bus. You just fixed whatever was broken between you and Cracker. “I don’t think I’m settled in yet.”

“Settled in,” Michelle repeats blankly. “How many episodes of All Stars do you think you should get to settle in?”

“Oh, I didn’t mean -”

“You looked pretty settled in when you almost won last week,” Ross says.

“This is the best of the best,” Ru says, eyeing Nina. “What you brought last week was what we want, what you have on tonight is what we want, but all of you girls need to figure out whatever these personal issues are because I don’t have time for them. This is not - and I repeat, not RuPaul’s Best Friends Race.”

Nina nods. What else can he do? He tells himself not to look at Monét, not to see how he’s taking this - but Nina’s eyes immediately betray him. Monét’s perfect pink lips are pressed tight together (and, Christ, he’s even prettier than Brooke is in purple) and his hands are gripping the armrests of his folding directors’ seat.

Monét’s worried. Shit.

The judges move on to Miz Cracker, who looks like a purple technicolor acid trip of Alice in Wonderland. It’s Nina’s favorite thing on the runway, if he’s being honest.

Michelle peers over the top of her glasses. “Can you guess what I’m going to say?”

“I look damn good, but why the fuck wasn’t I funny?” Cracker deadpans. “Yeah, I don’t have an excuse. There obviously was some tension between Nina and myself, I take responsibility for that, but I apologized and we worked through it. It’s not going to be an issue anymore.” She offers her hand to Nina, who takes it and squeezes gently.

Ross shuffles his cards. “You looked amazing in the film, though. It was cast quite well.”

“Thank you. Blair and I switched roles last minute, so that’s comforting to hear.”

Ru nods, seemingly satisfied, and turns his attention to the third member of their group. “Well, I do declare!”

Blair has gone full Scarlett O’Hara realness for this runway, hoop skirt and all, and Nina and Cracker are at least five feet away from her out of necessity. The lilac taffeta falls in tiers from her fitted bodice and cinched waist. Blair’s hands are folded daintily, the white lace gloves accentuating how tiny her hands actually are. If Vivienne Leigh had a 19-inch waist, Blair’s can’t be a centimeter over 19 and a half.

Blair is smiling, but it’s porcelain, like the slightest jolt will shatter her.

“Blair St. Clair!” Ross starts with a big smile. “Is that really you in there?”

Blair does a cute little curtsy, bending as much as she possibly can in that corset.

“I love it, I love it, I love it,” Ross says. “That dress! I feel like I’m getting the vapours just looking at you, I need a fan.”

Blair—shockingly enough—has a pale violet fan hanging off her hip, almost completely hidden by ruffles. She pulls it off (“Catch!”) and tosses it toward the judges’ table while Ross claps in delight. (The fan goes pretty off course, hitting the edge of the table and ricocheting toward the ground in front of the stage. A crew member grabs it and brings it to Ross who fans himself dramatically.)

“What else is hidden in those ruffles?” Ru quips.

“A lady never tells,” Blair laughs softly.

“So yes - you look the part,” Michelle says, bringing them back on track. “But Blair. Honey. What was going on in that scene?”

The smile drains from Blair’s face.

“You showed up on set looking terrified. When I watched the scene tonight, that’s what came across the most for me. That fear.”

Blair nods. Her shoulders start to sag.

“You’re an actor. We know you can act. Do you know you can act?” Ru asks.

“Yes.” Blair doesn’t sound confident. “I just - got in my head this challenge. And then we switched roles—”

“So whose idea was that?” Ru interrupts.

Blair’s lips part. Nina has this horrible thought that Blair might say it was his idea, like an act of sabotage or something - when really, he was just trying to help. He really, really didn’t want to throw Blair off her game—

“It was mine,” Blair says. Nina exhales silently. “I thought it’d be better for the whole team, but I don’t know if it worked out that way. I think it shook me. I’m sorry.”

“You still look terrified,” Michelle says. “You’re clearly gorgeous, clearly talented. I want you to see that too, Blair.”

“I do. Or I thought I did, I guess I’ve still got some - work to do.”

“Thank you, Blair.” Ru’s voice is gentle. “Based on the judges’ critiques, I think we all know there was a clear winning team this week.” He pauses for effect, looks between them before settling his gaze on the three queens closest to the judges’ panel. “Shea Coulee, Ivy Winters, Nina Bo’nina Brown - condragulations! You are the winning team. But two of you really proved to us that Ru is the warmest colour… Shea Coulee. Ivy Winters: you are the top two All Stars of the week.”

Ivy cheers and hugs Shea, the two of them spinning briefly in place. Nina’s heart is fully in his throat, he may not be able to breathe soon.

“You’ve each won a $2,500 gift card to Wigs and Grace and a $1,000 gift card to Coolhaus Ice Cream.” Shea and Ivy embrace again, a little less excited by their ice cream prize.

Ru continues, “Nina Bo’nina Brown, you are safe. Team Vanessa Vanjie Mateo: ladies, you are all safe.”

Blair flinches besides him, and Cracker doesn’t even blink. She was clearly steeling herself for this moment. Nina wishes he had. There was just some stupid optimistic part of his brain that couldn’t even go there, that thought they had a chance—

“That means Team Nina West: I’m sorry my dears, but all three of you will be up for elimination. Shea and Ivy: each one of you needs to decide which of the bottom queens you will eliminate if you win the lipsync.”

Okay. Okay. It happened. Just - keep it together, don’t think about last season, don’t think about the moment they told you you weren’tgoodenoughtoSTAY—

Nina looks up briefly from his super-fun shame-spiral and catches Vanjie’s eye down the runway. The sweet thing gives him a wince of empathy, and Nina winces back.

“While you deliberate backstage,” Ru continues, “the judges and I will… learn macramé.”

The safe queens laugh, but Nina is wobbly on his heels, moving on autopilot to the backstage lounge. His brain doesn’t start working until he’s sitting on the couch with a cocktail in his hand, Blair and Cracker wedged beside him.

Brooke has disappeared (for a cigarette probably) and Vanjie is off somewhere talking to Asia, rolling her eyes and bobbing her head, clearly pissed off.

“Yay…” Cracker says dryly, “I blame the lesbians for this. Control your children, Brooke Lynn.” She tacks on that last part loudly, like if she yells enough, Brooke will hear her wherever he is.

“Girl, they’d probably enjoy that too much,” Shea says with a smirk, and Nina laughs (even though there is glass in his mouth). He feels mostly okay about his chances of staying. He does have a win to his name after all, and Cracker was safe last week. But Blair… Well, she’s crying silently, furtively wiping away tears. They can all see the lipstick writing on the mirror (it might be in Blair’s handwriting).

“Do any of you—” Ivy begins, before Shea stops her with a hand on her arm.

“I’d like to talk to Ivy, actually. Other than that, I’m good. Unless any of y’all really want to - you know, make a speech or something.”

So that’s how it’s going to be. Nina has a speech running through his head, his track record on the show, his win last week - but he’s surprised by Blair shaking her head ‘no.’ Cracker looks over sharply at that, hesitates - and then shrugs.

“I can cry real tears if you need me to,” she says to Shea. “But if you’re good, I’m good.”

Both Shea and Ivy look at Nina.

“I mean…” He shrugs. “You guys are in charge.”

“Great!” Shea says and grabs Ivy’s arm before pulling her to the back of the room, where they lower their heads and begin to speak quietly.

Blair sniffs and dabs at her eyes. “I didn’t need to talk to them. What’s the point, you know? But I would like to talk to the two of you… if… I could.” Then she’s fully crying. “I just need a minute.”

Nina puts his arm around her, pets her hair while she breathes. It’s probably a moot point; it’s still early, but they all know how this works.

Miz Cracker sits next to Blair, lacing and unlacing her fingers, not looking at either one of them. Until she does.

“I’m really sorry,” Cracker says, holding Nina’s gaze over Blair’s head

Nina shakes her head. “We’re good, I told you.”

“Yeah, but…” She sighs. “What Ru said about personal bullshit getting in the way… That was all me. I was angry with you when I shouldn’t have been and now we’re in the bottom—”

Blair raises her head and looks both of them over with swollen, red eyes.

“—and it’s really my fault. And fucking Monét’s—”

Her diatribe stops and she looks wide-eyed at Nina, who is still holding Blair’s hand, rubbing soft circles through the white lace glove that adorns it.

“Can I ask you…” Nina pauses. “What, um, exactly was Monét supposed to tell me?”

Miz Cracker shakes her head, trademark blonde curls bouncing across her shoulders. “No. I’m not touching it anymore. I can’t. If that idiot has something to say to you, he’ll say it on his own time.” She decisively smooths an invisible wrinkle from the front of her purple tea-length gown and folds her hands in her lap. But Nina notices that her thumbs never stop twitching.

“No matter what happens, I hope—” Blair clears her throat and takes in a deep breath, which she releases as a shaky sigh.

Nina shakes his head. “Blair, you don’t—”

“Wait, wait. Just listen.”

Both Nina and Cracker shut up and look at her.

“It’s going to be me. We know that.”

“Blair—” Cracker tries again.

“I was in the bottom last week. We know. Okay? We know.” Her bottom lip trembles but she straightens her shoulders, nods decisively. “I just want to say, you were great teammates. Like really, really - nice.”

Now Nina thinks he might start crying. No. NO. Keep it together.

“And I really like working with you.” Blair smiles sweetly. “Miz Cracker, you’re so funny, and I’ve looked up to you for so long. I can’t believe I got to work with you again.”

“Blair—” Cracker starts, but her voice breaks.

“Nina, you’ve taken such good care of me this whole time. You really looked out for my feelings, and you were so sweet.” Blair squeezes Nina’s hand. “And I just really hope everything works out for you and Monét.”

Nina chokes a bit. But so does Cracker (great, they’re more in sync now than they were during the challenge).

“Sorry, what?”

“Oh, are you two - not -” Blair blinks her eyelashes, looking at Nina in shock.

“No, nope, we’re not,” Nina says quickly. “Nothing - happening there. No ma’am.”

Blair watches him for a moment, and then narrows her eyes. “Really?”

“Yes, really!” What is even happening? Vanjie and Brooke are the bad actors, Nina is Oscar-caliber. Is he losing his touch? Or is it just where Monét is concerned (and God, wouldn’t that be a nightmare)?

“Okay. Just - I thought. You know, from this whole conversation. And the way he looks at you.”

Cracker makes another choking sound, and Blair snaps her mouth shut.

“Never mind. I must have - gotten confused. Sorry. Forget anything I said.”

“Except for when you said how great we are,” Cracker amends, pulling Blair into a hug. “You can’t take that back. I need this.”

Nina is grateful that Cracker always seems to be able to make Blair smile, and Team Cheerleader hugs it out. Moments later, Ivy and Shea come back from whatever corner they were hiding in, each of them looking grim. Before they’re all led back onto the mainstage, Vanjie grabs Nina and squeezes his hand.

“It ain’t gonna be you, girl. Keep it on-lock, you’ll be fine.”

The other queens have similarly encouraging things to say to Cracker and Blair, and Brooke even goes in for a hug before the crew comes to get them. Then they’re on stage again, lights so bright they’re making Nina feel dazed.

Don’t look at the mentors, he tells himself, and this time he listens. He’s too embarrassed - can’t possibly think about meeting Monét’s eye right now. (Here I am, totally fucked and on the verge of going home. Still glad you picked me?)

“Welcome back,” Ru says as the lights flash. “Two top All Stars stand before me. Ladies, this is your chance to impress me, win ten-thousand dollars, and earn the power to give one of the bottom queens the chop. The time has come for you to lip-sync. For. Your. Legacy.”

And for my life, Nina thinks to himself. Oh God, he should have poured his heart out to Shea and Ivy, should have told them how much he wanted this, should have—

“Good luck. And don’t fuck it up.”

The opening beats of the Eurythmics’ “Sisters Are Doin’ It for Themselves” start and Shea immediately starts ripping off the train of her dress. The queens around Nina lose their minds. Ivy got changed into a spangly cocktail dress for the lip-sync, but Shea kept her original gown - except now it’s been turned into a sexy purple bathing suit, and she looks stunning. Nina can’t say he’s in the headspace to pay much attention to anything that’s happening on stage, but the other queens and the judges seem to be cheering with every move Shea makes. Ivy’s classy and quirky but she isn’t the dancer that Shea is. She can’t command a stage in the same way.

Nina focuses on breathing. Focuses on not falling over. Stares at the crumpled heap of Shea’s train, purple fabric stretching down the runway, while somewhere in the background Ru cheers with delight.

This can’t be the end. Not yet. Not yet.

Nina blinks and somehow the lip-sync is already done. As the music fades, he feels Blair’s hand slide into his. He forces himself to stay present, pay attention.

“Ladies, I have made a decision,” Ru says as Ivy and Shea catch their breath, both of them looking hopeful. “Shea Coulee, you’re a winner baby. You’ve earned a cash tip of ten thousand dollars. That means that Chad Michaels - you’re also a winner. You’ve won a cash tip of five thousand dollars.”

There’s some cheering from the mentors, but Nina barely hears it over his pounding heart.

“Ivy Winters, you are safe. You may join the other girls. Will the bottom three queens please step forward?”

Nina walks forward in a daze, Blair’s hand still held tightly in his. After a moment at centre stage, Cracker reaches down and takes his other hand.

“Shea Coulee. With great power comes great responsibility. Which queen have you chosen to get the chop?”

Shea sighs, but doesn’t draw it out more than she has to. “I love this queen and this ain’t personal. I made this decision based on past performances, so I’m sorry, I gotta go with Blair.”

She takes Blair’s lipstick out of her neckline. Nina hears Blair take a deep breath beside her.

“Blair St. Clair,” Ru smiles sadly, “as it is written, so it shall be done. You are and always will be an All Star. Now sashay away.”

Blair straightens her shoulders. She looks up and smiles brightly. She seems to Nina the most confident and beautiful she’s been since they first started filming.

“Thank you so much for another opportunity to show you and the world who I am. I’m going to keep growing and getting better, and I’m going to make you so proud of me.”

Ru nods, Michelle smiles, and Ross might wipe away a tear, but Blair’s eyes are dry as she hugs Nina and Cracker, then turns and walks down the runway.

She pauses before leaving and strikes a dramatic pose. “With God as my witness, I’ll never be eliminated from Drag Race again!”

Everyone laughs, genuinely laughs, because Blair is funny when she can relax and be herself. Nina’s hands are shaking as Cracker slides over and wraps her arms around his waist.

Safe safe safe safe safe.

“Con-drag-ulations, All Stars,” Ru says cheerfully from the judges’ panel. “And, remember: if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen? Now let the music play!”

Nina is dancing but his heart is pounding as loudly as the music. Relief is making him dizzy and the flashing lights aren’t helping matters. Cracker hugs him again and he’s so damn grateful for that, just to have someone anchor him to the earth for a moment. He knows the mentors are probably coming up on stage, but he doesn’t see Monét in the crush of queens around him. It’s fine. It’s good. He’s in no fit state to try to impress anyone right now.

Nina’s one of the first to leave the runway, and he knows he’s got to go get changed, get ready for his talking head interview (which is going to be - let’s not kid ourselves - intense after this elimination), but he still finds the first quiet spot that he can, ducks behind one of those tall tool boxes full of set pieces or cords or something and just lets himself shake. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He’s here, he’s here, he’s got to calm down—

“Nina? Girl, hey now—”

Nina looks up (even though he doesn’t need to, would know, has known that voice in the dark) as Monét comes closer to him, eyes full of concern.

“I saw you tear off that stage, knew you were feeling some kinda way. And if you want to feel your feelings by yourself, if you need a minute, I get it. But listen - you’re still here. Okay? It was awful, but it’s one challenge, and you’re still here.”

Nina nods, but he can’t stop having flashbacks to Season 11, can’t stop remembering the depth of the hurt and disappointment when he was sent home. He feels like his heart is already in shards just from anticipation, and it’s hard to remind himself that it’s actually still intact. He’s still here.

“I know. I know. I’m sorry–” Nina tries to catch his breath, tries to keep the tears in his eyes from falling. This version of himself is the last thing he wants Monét to see.

“What are you apologizing for?”

“Because I’m on your team, and - this challenge should have been easy for me, for us—”

“Nina West.” Monet’s got his serious face on, something Nina hasn’t seen much of yet. “This mentor shit don’t mean anything to me, okay? You think I need twenty-five K so bad? Nah, girl - with this voice? With this ass? Nah.”

Nina feels a laugh rising tightly in his chest. Monét deserves a fucking medal for trying to make him feel better.

“Don’t worry none about me. Jesus. You put this challenge behind you for yourself. You move forward and win this crown for yourself.”

“Bet you say that to all the girls.”

“I don’t.” Monét’s voice goes a bit too loud, and he stiffens as they both realize it. His eyes are on Nina’s, and Nina realizes he’s holding his breath. This - what is -

Monét exhales a weak laugh and Nina feels the ghost of it against his lips. “Shit. I mean - I’m allowed to have favourites, right?”

It’s so sweet and ridiculous that Nina’s face breaks into a smile, and as he does he feels the slow slide of a tear down his cheek. Wonderful. Fantastic. Could he be more pathetic?

Then Monét is reaching out, wiping the tear away with the soft pad of his thumb.

“Hey, now. No crying, Jean Grey.” Monét’s voice shakes, and he doesn’t drop his hand. His fingers stroke gently along Nina’s jaw, angling his face up and into the dim light. Studying it like it’s a priceless piece of art.

Nina feels - something strange happening in his stomach. Like he might be sick. Or maybe can’t breathe? It’s tough to say, so he says nothing - just stares at Monét and tries to keep his heart beating (but at least if he drops dead now, his face will still be warm from Monet’s hands. If he dies, he’ll still have had someone look at him, just for a moment, like he was a masterpiece).

Monét’s mouth opens, and Nina’s eyes drop briefly down to his lips. His lips are something else, just - devastating.

They should kiss, maybe. That would be - would be okay.

Even if Nina ruined everything after the finale, maybe - maybe Monét would still want to kiss him (Nina remembers the taste of his mouth, remembers how soft it was, how desperate it made him feel, pressing kisses against his neck, chest, hip—)

That’s when a couple of electrics coming stomping through, hauling lights.

Nina flinches. Monét drops his hand. Steps back.

Nina tells his heart - in very strong words - not to punch its way out of his chest.

“I’m - uh - anyway. You gonna be good?”

“Sure,” Nina says, still trying to remember why breathing is important. Was that - something? Had that been something? Or was he just -

“And I’m sorry about Cracks.” Monét keeps talking, shuffling awkwardly from one foot to the other. “It’s kinda my fault that - she was all in her feelings.”

“Oh. Really, it’s okay, we talked it over. I think we’re cool.”

“Shit, thank God. I was worried that she was gonna be like this for the rest of the season. Couldn’t resist the Nina West charm, right?”

“Actually –” Nina’s mind skips carefully over the ‘Nina West charm’ bit. There are some things he cannot survive. “She said this thing - you should probably know about it - I think she might be angry at you now?”

Monét looks carefully blank. “Really.”

“She seemed - when we talked about it - upset about something you didn’t do? Or didn’t say, actually. She said she thought you were going to tell me something.”

Monét makes a soft noise from deep in his throat, like a ‘huh’ sort of sound but if you were also choking.

“Are you okay?”

“Oh. Yeah. Doing real good.”

Nina doesn’t need to say anything else, and he doesn’t really want to know - but he also kind of wants to know (he also still kind of wants Monét to kiss him, to touch his jaw again and lean forward and just—)

He clears his throat. Don’t think about kissing. “What were you supposed to tell me?”

“Oh, I—” Monét hesitates. Just for a second. But Nina notices. Then Monét smiles, radiant and white (and just off enough to clock the flaw). “I have no idea. But I’m sure that bitch will have no problem sounding off at me about it.”

“Yeah, okay.” Nina isn’t going to push. Not right now.

“Well, maybe I gotta go do some damage control,” Monét says with a laugh that sounds brittle. “Congrats on making it through another episode, Nina West. Always knew you would. One step closer to that finale, right?”

“Right.” Nina forces himself to breathe, to smile, to watch Monét walk away.

It seems to Nina that as Monét walks down the hallway, he’s almost walking to a beat. As if there’s low music playing in the background, like the strumming of some stringed instrument. Nina can almost hear it.

“Was that a moment?” Nina murmurs to himself, and then - no. No. Oh shit, he’s singing.

“Did we have a moment?

Was that a moment right there?

Or am I overthinking everything,

Always in my head

But that felt like a moment

With your hand on my skin.

If I could only speak

I’d ask you what it meant.”

Monét doesn’t turn around, doesn’t hear him (thank God) because Nina can’t stop the words that are coming out of his mouth.

“And I don’t know why I can’t just say what’s on my mind.

And I don’t know why I can’t just ask you what you’d like.

It seems as if we talk so much but never even speak.

And all we have are pleasantries

The hi, how are you’s, I can’t breathe

With all this silence rising like the sea.”

He stops. Takes a breath. He can still hear music.

“But that felt like a moment,

An honest moment just then

It felt like something real, maybe

A little more than friends.

Did we have a moment

When you touched me like that?

I’ll press it between pages

And then play it, play it back.

And I don’t know what you’d do if I said

How I feel.

Maybe you would laugh at me

Say none of it was real.

Or maybe you’d be kind

Oh God, the worst thing you could be

With all these little tragedies

The walls I’ve built in front of me

Are falling to the ground now

Just like leaves.”

The chords swell just like the rate of Nina’s pulse when Monét touched his face.

“But was that a moment?

It felt like a moment to me.”

Music crashes like waves, builds like a barricade, and Nina holds his breath against the weight of it.

“Was that a moment?

Could it ever be?”

Then he pauses. What do you do in this situation, what do you say? Do you make the first move, risk your dignity? Or do you convince yourself that it’s just in your head? (He thinks and thinks and overthinks before the song continues.)

“That wasn’t a moment.

Okay, fine, we touched

But you’re like that with everyone

You’re lovely and beloved

That wasn’t a moment.

Please don’t let me fall.”

Nina breathes between his clenched teeth before he sings the final line:

“That was nothing at all.”

The music fades out, giving Nina just enough time to wonder if he should seek professional help before Monét is walking quickly back towards him. Nina can’t move, can only stare in shock. Monét probably didn’t - hear any of that, right? That was just another one of Nina’s weird musical fantasies that started up when he got that All Stars call (he really should probably talk to someone about that, to be honest.)

“I almost forgot,” Monét says under his breath (while Nina tries not to get too distracted by the way his lips form the words), “ and you didn’t hear this from me. But, girl, you better make sure that wig’s taped down for the next challenge.”

Nina lifts his hands to his hair - it’s fine, it hasn’t shifted at all.

“What?”

“From what I hear, it might get snatched.” Monét winks before he walks away again, and Nina - oh.

Shit.

It’s time for the Snatch Game.

* * *

Interlude: Monét, finale night

“So like - girl. Okay. So.”

Monét runs his hand over his bald head, desperate for something to do with his hands. His face is done but he hasn’t put his wig on yet, is waiting for the last possible minute (this one bugs him, and he really should get rid of it, but it was stupid expensive and he’s still kinda wearing it out of spite).

Anyway.

“So this might sound funny. You might think this is crazy - shit.”

He swallows. Breathes, and tries again.

“I’m gonna sound like a stalker, maybe - but - ”

“Oh. My. Jesus.” There’s a pounding on the bathroom door and Cracker’s voice echoes in the room. “Your phone is out here, who the hell are you talking to? Do you have a burner phone in there? Are you calling your secret family?”

Monét hears Bob’s loud laugh in the background and winces.

“He’s secret straight, I’ve been tellin’ you this whole time. Got all these side-chicks.”

“Monét!” Cracker knocks again.

With a sigh, Monét cracks the bathroom door, peering into the room where his two friends have been waiting, already dressed and a couple of drinks in (okay, fine, it’s finale night - Monét might also be a couple drinks in at the moment). Bob’s boyfriend is there too, all suited up with his hair pulled back - and if he looks a bit like Cracker out of drag, well, no one’s going to mention that.

“Will you just stop?” he hisses at Cracker. “I’m trying to work out how I want to… You know…” He widens his eyes at her, praying she’ll get the hint. They talked about it at lunch a couple days ago. She knows better than anyone else what Monét is planning.

“Oh shit,” Cracker mumbles. Then a smile graces her features. “Oh shit. Tonight? Okay, then. Werk. Glad you’re finally taking my advice.”

“Girl, we would have left your ass and gone down to the bar if we knew you were going to hide in the bathroom all night, practicing your Oscar speech,” Bob shouts at him. Doesn’t matter what the size of the room is, Bob has one damn volume setting. “You’re giving up your lame-ass Miss Congeniality trophy, remember? Not accepting a new one.”

“Fuck off.” Monét gives up on hiding, comes out of the bathroom to hunt for the bottle of whatever everyone else is drinking.

“It’s not his Oscar speech that he’s practicing,” Cracker sing-songs, raising an evil eyebrow as she sinks back onto the loveseat.

“You can fuck off, too.”

“Ooooh!” Bob says with exaggerated delight. “That speech. Tonight’s the night, huh? Okay, well. Let’s hear it.”

“Yeah, okay.” Monét rolls his eyes.

“Speech, speech, speech!”

“Fuck off, Bob.”

“Listen, I’ve been waiting for you to put the moves on one Nina West for two motherfucking years now.” Because Bob always knows what her sister needs, she produces a bottle of tequila from behind her back and hands it over to Monét. “Or have you forgotten the reason your sorry ass was in Columbus to begin with on that fateful weekend?”

Monét takes two (larger than necessary) drinks and replaces the cap. Liquid courage or some shit. “Yeah, okay. I was with you, taking care of you, like always. Never forget.”

Cracker reaches over for the bottle. “So what are you going to say?”

“I don’t fucking know. I didn’t exactly get that far.” Monét sighs. “Everything I come up with makes me sound like a stalker.”

“I mean…” Bob shrugs. “If the size 12 Pleaser fits…”

“Fuck off, Bob!” Monét grabs his wig and marches over to stand in front of a mirror, trying to position the piece correctly. Maybe he spends a little more time on it than is absolutely necessary. Maybe he’s trying to avoid anymore teasing from Bob and Cracker. Eventually, he can’t stall anymore, so he pats it down one final time, fluffs out the bits above his ears, and swivels around, gold sequins casting light around the room.

Cracker’s smiling at him. “You’re stunning.”

“You ain’t gotta tell me, bitch. I been knew.” Though (don’t tell Cracker, it’s nice to hear).

“Soooo…” Bob says slowly, drawing out the syllable for far too long, watching Monét carefully as he reapplies his lipstick. He could do that downstairs, but honestly he likes annoying Bob. “How are you gonna do it?”

“Do what?”

“Woo Miss Nina West. Seduce her. You gonna buy her a drink at the after party? Tell her you’ve been stalking her online like a crazy bitch ever since you saw her in Columbus back in 2017 but didn’t have the guts to say anything?”

“Don’t even -”

“Or tell her you, like, were all lovelorn and shit for the entirety of Season 11? Tell her how many watch parties you dragged me to just to catch a glimpse of that ass?”

“Bob,” Cracker says, a warning in her eyes.

“Or maybe you’ll lay on that ex-Miss Congeniality charm? You know she’s probably gonna take your crown this year, right? You gonna ask her to come upstairs so you can show her how to properly polish the trophy? Oh, Jesus, won’t that be annoying. Two of you.” Bob scoffs.

Monét rolls his eyes. “If I make a move on Nina West, it’s none of your goddamn business how I go about it, Roberta.” He grabs his earrings off the table, fixes them to his lobes. “Now. Can we please go before I’m late to my own give-up?”

Bob holds up his hands in surrender. “Fine. But you better clear the air tonight. It’s been how long now that you’ve been fucked up about her? It’s getting embarrassing -”

“Bob, drop it,” Cracker says, all low and soft in that voice she reserves only for Bob. Whatever they had together was a long time ago, but they still definitely know how to press each other’s buttons. It’s usually annoying. Tonight, Monét is grateful.

Bob and his boyfriend trudge ahead with little regard for Cracker and Monét as they walk to the elevator, but Cracker turns to Monét and grabs his hand. “Hey. Ignore him. He’s… You know.”

Monét nods. “I know.”

“I’m proud of you.” Cracker smiles. “Like - get it, girl. Took you long enough. And then you can introduce us. I always thought Nina and I would be friends.”

“Don’t go crazy now. Nothing’s happened yet. I don’t even know what to say.”

Cracker shrugs. “Just… be you. You know, everyone loves you so just… Go with that. Trust your gut.”

So Monét does.

He also trusts champagne and tequila, and wonder of wonders, it seems to fucking work. Nina laughs and banters and smiles at him, gorgeous and glittering with alcohol, and for once in his damn life, Monét feels like this is something that’s supposed to happen. Like he’s in the right place at the right time and this is a sure damn thing.

So he invites Nina back to his room (put that speech on the back-burner, girl, just for now) and Nina says “yes.”

Jesus of all Christs.

As Monét walks back up to his room, his final remaining braincell (listen, he’s had some drinks) thinks it’s a good idea to text Cracks: “It’s HAPPENING!!!!!!!” like some sort of schoolgirl. She responds immediately with the eye-roll emoji and several eggplants. Whatever, she loves him.

He gets his paint off, gets changed - wishes he had time for a shower, but the last thing he wants to do is miss Nina’s knock. It feels like a lifetime and also thirty seconds before Nina shows up outside his door still in his paper-doll pink, and it’s ridiculous and adorable and hot as hell, and the rest of the night just - disappears.

Magic.

So clearly the last thing he’s thinking about is giving Nina West this like - awful crazy-bitch speech about maybe having a crush on him for longer than he should’ve. The alcohol helped him not think about it too much (and Monét’s a damn over-thinker. He might not seem the type but that’s ‘cause he makes flawless look so easy, child). The next morning (afternoon), there’s no alcohol left in his system to blame and Monét has to - as they say - step his pussy up.

So he asks Miss Nina West out for lunch.

He’s as cool and casual as he possibly can be when what he really wants to do is just roll back under the blankets with that man, but - lunch, first. Then - his stupid ass speech. Then, hopefully - the rest. Like, rolling around in blankets, a relationship, a proposal somewhere down the line, a minivan and four kids and white picket fences… All that good stuff (Jesus Christ, calm your tits girl).

He might fucking floss after Nina leaves, might spend a bit too long moisturizing. Whatever, it’s nothing. He’s not building this up in his head or anything, he’s just - making an effort (Nina West is the reigning Miss Congeniality okay? Monét ignores the fact that he’s the reigning All Stars champion).

And when he goes down to Nina’s room, clutching the rest of the clothing Nina left behind, and running over his dumb-ass speech in his head (“This probably sounds - stupid, okay, but I saw you at this show back in Ohio two years ago - no, don’t laugh, it was a good show, you looked good, and I remember - I thought -”)

But Nina doesn’t answer the door.

Monét waits a bit, knocks again.

No one answers.

Fuck.

He wishes he’d gotten Nina’s phone number, because maybe he’s gone out, or had to meet up with someone, or is in some hotel room holding back Brooke Lynn’s hair as the queen cries out her broken heart (Monét ain’t blind, right? He knows what that shit looks like). Or maybe Monét got the numbers wrong (that was a lot of tequila), and this ain’t Nina’s room.

Shit.

Or maybe -

Nah, nah, he won’t go there. Nina West is not the kind of person that would ghost someone. Monét’s sure.

Pretty sure.

No, there’s no way.

He can’t wait in the hallway all day looking like some sad-ass puppy, so Monét folds the rest of Nina’s clothing, stacks it outside his door. Then he impulsively decides to leave his number as well. (Nina could get his number, right? From so many other queens, so Monét has zero chill, but fuck it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained or some other cliche bullshit he read on a cross stitch sampler at his Nana’s house.)

In his hand, his phone buzzes with a text from Cracker.

Bitch where are you??? Let’s do lunch. I need to know allllll the details! Then another eggplant Emoji. And the water droplets, which Monét thinks is just crass, but whatever.

Meet me in the lobby, Monét fires back as he turns around and walks back down the hall toward the elevator.

There’s an explanation, he’s sure of it.

He allows himself to entertain the idea as he rides the elevator down to the lobby. Nina will text, apologize, they’ll work things out, get them sorted. Everything will be fine in the end.

Monét has burned red-hot (silently, from a distance) for Nina West for way too long.

There’s no way it’s going to end like this.

#rpdr fanfiction #nina west #monet x change #vanessa vanjie mateo #brooke lynn hytes #ninex #eventual branjie #background trixya #smut #angst #musical #all stars au #how far i'll go #hfig #mia ugly #meggie #concrit welcome #submission #on set fic

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opstagemetkayleigh · 5 years ago

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Leerzame week! :)

Week 7 - 40 uur - 4 uur verslaglegging - in totaal 288 uur

Leerdoelen / school - Deze week heb ik niet erg veel aan mijn leerdoelen gedaan. Wel heb ik het document voor mijn stageplan vormgegeven en her en der gestructureerd. Ook heb ik de competenties boven mijn leerdoelen aangepast zoals Elbert had aangegeven.

Werkzaamheden - Afgelopen week heb ik gewerkt aan een website voor the Greenery, voor het product De Pappels, verse maaltijd pakketen voor baby’s. Eerst las ik de ‘briefing’ en de presentatie door. Hierna begon ik met wat schetsen en met het opschrijven van welke informatie onder welk kopje zou vallen op de website. Daarna begon ik aan het visualiseren van de website.

Na twee dagen keek ik samen met mijn begeleider naar de website. Er waren nog wat punten waar aan gewerkt kon worden zoals hiërarchie, aangezien ik verschillende kleuren en groottes voor bijv. de koppen gebruikte. Ook kon ik nog wat beter kijken naar contrast. Daarnaast kon ik bedenken of er een creatievere manier was om het menu / de navigatie van de website te visualiseren ipv de standaard welke al op veel websites gebruikt wordt. Deze punten heb ik later allemaal nog aangepast of toegevoegd aan het ontwerp.

Ook heb ik de customer journey map voor ‘Werken bij Laurens’ digitaal uitgewerkt.

Overige - Deze week was ik onder anderen jarig! Verder heb ik veel inspiratie en informatie van Dribbble gehaald, zo heb ik een artikel gelezen over de fouten welke beginnende webdesigners in het begin van hun carrière maken en heb ik meerdere artikelen over het ontwerpen van een logo geleerd, waar ik onder anderen las over typografische logo’s en tips om een logo niet te verpesten.

Ook keek ik een interessante TED talk over coderen van licht in animaties zoals die van Pixar. Dit vond ik erg interessant omdat ik hiervoor eigenlijk geen idee had hoe dit ging, hier weet ik nu dus een klein beetje meer over.

Eeeenn.... Ik heb mijn after effects beginners tutorial afgerond, waarbij ik een leuke animatie heb gemaakt!! Helaas kan ik de video niet plaatsen, dus hier een screenshot.

Wat heb ik deze week geleerd?

- Tijdens het ontwerpen / creëren van een website / app moet je ineens met veel meer schermen rekening houden dan dat je in het begin denkt. Zodra je een button maakt moet je ook nadenken over wat er gebeurt wanneer men op deze button klikt, en waar komt de gebruiker dan terecht, moet hier ook weer een apart scherm voor ontworpen worden? Je moet van tevoren dus goed nadenken over al deze dingen, dit is heel anders dan wat ik gewend ben met drukwerk ontwerpen.

- Ik merk dat ik het nu nog lastig vind om het aan te geven als ik klaar ben met mijn werk, omdat er van binnen toch nog een kleine onzekerheid schuilt met of het wel goed genoeg is. Hierdoor vind ik het nu ook nog lastig om te verantwoorden waarom ik bepaalde dingen ik heb gedaan. Dit komt misschien ook omdat ik voor ‘de Pappels’ bijvoorbeeld niet heel veel onderzoek heb gedaan voordat ik hiermee begon. Ik denk dat dit naarmate de tijd verstrekt wel beter onder de knie zal krijgen, dan zal ik waarschijnlijk ook meer ervaring en kennis hebben waardoor het verantwoorden van bepaalde acties wellicht makkelijker gaat.

- Het is goed om tijdens het ontwerpen goed na te blijven denken over de interactie tussen het product en de gebruiker. Door sommige dingen wat creatiever op te lossen, zoals nog eens nadenken over een navigatie van een website, kan ik dingen vaak unieker en origineler maken. Daarbij is het voor mijzelf denk ik een goed leerpunt om meer na te denken over dit soort onderdelen binnen een website in plaats van het standaard te maken wat bijna iedereen al doet.

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zwentner · 6 years ago

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Mac DeMarco hat neues Album ‘Here comes the Cowboy’ angekündigt

Die Platte ist die erste Veröffentlichung unter Mac DeMarco’s eigenem Label namens Mac’s Record Label. ‘Here comes the Cowboy’ erscheint am 10. Mai 2019 auf Vinyl und Digital.

05.03.2019

Die erste ebenfalls veröffentlichte Single heißt ‘Nobody’ und im dazugehörigen Video sehen wir Mac als ein Zigarren-rauchendes Mischwesen aus Mensch und Echse. :)

Unter anderem hier lässt sich bereits die Indie Record Store Version in “grün” vorbestellen Mac Artist Store hat noch eine spezial Variante in der Farbe “seaglass” im Angebot.

Dort gibt es auch eine ins deutsche Übersetzte Version von Mac’s eigenen Worten zu seinem neuen Werk:

Hi, Mac hier. Zuerst einmal: Danke, dass du dir meine neue Platte angehört hast. Das hier ist meine Cowboy-Platte. Das Wort „Cowboy“ ist für mich wie ein Kosename. Ich benutze es oft, wenn ich über Menschen aus meinem Leben spreche. Dieser rostige alte grinsende Button auf der Vorder- und Rückseite der Platte habe ich einem Mann in den Bergen irgendwo im Nantahala National Forest zwischen Chattanooga, TN und Asheville, NC abgekauft. Dort, wo ich aufgewachsen bin, gibt es viele Menschen, die voller Überzeugung Cowboyhüte tragen und Cowboydinge tun. Aber das sind nicht die Menschen, auf die ich mich hier beziehe.

Alle Instrumente auf der Platte hab ich selbst gespielt, außer ein wenig Keyboard hier und da, das von meinem Tour-Keyboarder – inzwischen einer meiner ältesten Freunde – Alec Meen eingespielt wurde. Mein reisender Toningenieur Yakitori Santar half mir auch, die Spuren aufzunehmen und zusammenzusetzen. Während der Aufnahmen regnete es sehr viel in Los Angeles. Wenn man genau aufpasst, kann man hören, wie es hier und da an die Fenster der Garage klopft.

Album und Single haben wohl übrigens überhaupt nichts mit Mitski’s “Be the Cowboy” oder ihrem Song ‘Nobody zu tun. Nur fürs Protokoll…

Tracklisting:

Here Comes The Cowboy

Nobody

Finally Alone

Little Dogs March

Preoccupied

Choo Choo

Heart To Heart

Hey Cowgirl

On The Square

All Of Our Yesterdays

Skyless Moon

Baby Bye Bye

*** Belong to the cool Kids! It’s Easy: Follow this Blog on Social Media like Twitter, Snapchat or Instagram for more Content of from Zwentner.com & about my Life ***

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#IFTTT #ZWENTNER.com

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missyoumuch · 8 years ago

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Rules: Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning. When you are finished tag 5 people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!!!

tagged by @babydontpcy thank you and sorry for my incredibly snarky answers idk what’s wrong with me, it’s late 😄

1: Are you named after someone? Great Grandmother and Grandmother

2: When is the last time you cried? Not to be dramatique but I never cry... maybe like a month ago?

3: Do you like your handwriting? yas bitch I werked hard on that

4: What is your favorite lunch meat? ;)

5: Do you have kids? nope

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you? depends which other person. If Chanyeol then yes definitely

7: Do you use sarcasm? no 🙄 (badum tss)

8: Do you still have your tonsils? they’re thriving, yes

9: Would you bungee jump? Right now? No thanks. Maybe during my mid-life crisis but I’m too scared about the risks i.e. whiplash/ dying from fright

10: What is your favorite kind of cereal? not a big cerealer but,, special k with the red fruit bits

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? depends on the shoe but not as a habit

12: Do you think you’re a strong person? people ask me to open things for them so...

13: What is your favorite ice cream flavor? coffee/ rum and raisin

14: What is the first thing you notice about people? Depends on the person.. maybe hair

15: Red or pink? The opposite of whatever Taylor Swift’s answer would be

16: What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? no no no be kind to yourself if you’re about to answer this question THINK AGAIN BITCH move on ur beautiful

17: What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? pants UK or pants US. My ***trousers are pink and I’m wearing feet

18: What was the last thing you ate? Chocolate buttons

19: What are you listening to right now? More - Syleena Johnson & Jaheim

20: If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Bittersweet (#FE6F5E) yes I googled and yes I only got 12 colours down before I chose

21: Favorite smell? CLEANING SPRAY like that they put on tables and stuff wow what a great scent

22: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? My friend it was about school -_-

23: Favorite sport to watch? Weightlifting (Fairy Kim Bok Joo)

24: Hair color? Dark brown/ black idk I’ve never dyed it

25: Eye color? Brown

26: Do you wear contacts? No

27: Favorite food to eat? Oooh gurl well among many others I love KFC chicken and um these cheese and poppy seed breadsticks from Costco

28: Scary movies or comedy? A classic 90s teen romcom with the full package of ‘girl and boy not suited for each other but end up together’, a makeover scene and casual sexism and/or racism :)) Set in high school obviously

29: Last movie you watched? Driving Me Crazy starring sabrina the teenage witch. For a synopsis see last answer.

30: What color of shirt are you wearing? black (im in my pjs stop asking)

31: Summer or winter? summer

32: Hugs or kisses? neither ?? I’m a cold hearted ice queen ??

33: What book are you currently reading? Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 10/10 recommend so far

34: Who do you miss right now? The old Miley!!1!!1

35: What is on your mouse pad? Back in the day I had this sick one with the aliens from toy story on that would go ‘aaahh’ when you pressed the button but yeah I don’t have one now

36: What is the last TV program you watched? The Secret Life of 4 Year Olds

37: What is the best sound? The ‘oh baby it’s YOU’ part of NCT127 Limitless

38: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? Um neither? I’m sure they’re iconic, but not my style

39: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? Caribbean

40: Do you have a special talent? I can raise both eyebrows individually also make my tongue look like a flower also say the alphabet phonetically also tune instruments from memory also I’m basically the most talented person in my family no biggie (or a better answer: no)

41: Where were you born? England

tagging @http-sehun @4121994 @kittyhunnie @babybluesehun @sehuneta aka 5 sehun stans

#tagged #survey

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markhendrix7-blog · 6 years ago

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Fysiek Project

Tijdens dit fysieke project had ik verschillende leerdoelen. Als eerste was ik heel geïnteresseerd naar Arduino en hiermee te werken. Daarnaast lijkt het me ook heel leuk juist iets fysiek te maken bijvoorbeeld met de 3D printer. Dit project heb ik samen gewerkt met Nick en Thomas. Als eerste kregen we een bak data van Phillips. Helaas was de data niet helemaal in orde, zo ontbrak er sommige data in bepaalde rijen en was de content niet altijd even duidelijk. Maar we zijn toch gaan graven en kwamen achter bepaalde dingen:

- Na een week werden bepaalde flessen niet meer gegeven. - Rond begin november kregen de baby’s een lagere happiness score, dit kan te maken hebben met de overstap van poedermelk naar formula milk. - Er zit een correlatie van -0,76 tussen het geluid van de baby en de happiness score.

Dit vond ik wel leuk om te doen omdat ik me later ook zo’n soort werk zie doen.

Daarna hebben Nick en Thomas heel hard na zitten denken wat we hiermee konden. Maar er werd vanuit Philips ook gevraagd om juist na te denken over een object wat makkelijk data kan verzamelen. Maar opeens kwamen op het idee over hoe mooi het zou zijn als een baby iets als eerste doet en die gegenens worden opslagen en daar een kunstwerk van te maken. Hieruit kwam we al vrij snel op de naam:” First ”. De kleuren waren ook al snel duidelijk. Het moest heel kinderlijk/speels zijn.

Op bovenstaande afbeelding is het nog niet gecombineerd maar uiteindelijk hebben we de vinger die opgestoken wordt,dat wordt de i in het woord first. Dit is te zien op de laatste afbeeldingen bij het eindproduct.

De naam is bekend maar dan, na vele gesprekken en overleg met Brenda en Antal kwamen we tot de conclusie dat het niet perse iets hoeft te zijn voor een baby wat die het eerste doet. Dit is namelijk voor veel baby’s hetzelfde dus we gingen verder brainstormen. Toen kwamen we erop uit dat veel baby’s iets zeggen maar dan een ander woord gebruiken. Dus bijvoorbeeld wanneer ze muur gebruiken zegt de baby mu-mu.

Maar hoe wordt de data verzameld. We zaten gelijk aan een knop te denken waar je op kan drukken en die je mee kan nemen. Wanneer je de knop niet mee zou nemen dan zou je ook genoeg hebben aan een App. We wouden de knop wel werkend maken dus we moesten al snel gaan 3D printen. Dit heeft lange dagen opgeleverd. Maar de knop was geprint maar natuurlijk deed die het nog niet. We hadden als idee: een knop van de Arduino erin te bouwen en wanneer er op de knop gedrukt werd dat die de knop van de Arduino aan zetten. Dan zouden er kabels vanuit de Arduino verbinding maken met stroom en dan zou het lampje het doen.

Daarnaast moest er ook een code gemaakt worden voor de Arduino. Dit heb ik vooral voor mijn rekening genomen omdat ik dit heel interessant vond. Dit vond ik dan ook erg leuk om te doen. Hieronder het stappenplan wat er gemaakt moest worden.

Nadat dit geprogrammeerd was, moest de knop natuurlijk ook werkend gemaakt worden. Hiervoor moesten we allemaal kabels aan elkaar solderen. Dit vond ik ook leuk om te doen nadat alle kabels gesoldeerd waren op de juiste manier hebben we de knop in elkaar gezet.

Maar we hadden nu een grote knop maar er moest een kleine knop komen die je mee kon nemen. We dachten gelijk aan een clip of kliksysteem om het ergens aan vast te maken. Dit werd ook door de 3D printer gemaakt. Uiteindelijk kwam er een knop met aan de achterkant klittenband. Er werd een clip gemaakt die je aan de broek kon klikken hier zat ook klittenband op.

Uiteindelijk kwamen we op het idee dat het product een spel zou worden. Data wordt eerst verzameld van een bepaalde baby bijvoorbeeld jezelf. Jij zei vroeger mu-mu tegen een muur. Dan is er een kaartje met mu-mu op en daaronder met het juiste woord muur met een afbeelding. Maar jij zei vroeger wel meer gekke dingen tegen objecten dus daar zijn ook allemaal kaartjes van. Er wordt door iemand een kaartje gepakt en het als baby zijnde verkeerde woord gezegd( in dit geval mu-mu). Iedereen die mee doet aan het spel behalve de voorlezer moet gaan tekenen wat hij of zij zich voorstelt bij het woord mu-mu. Wanneer de zandloper op is dan wordt alles bekeken en wanneer je het goed hebt krijg je een punt. De zandloper hebben we ook vervangen door een gamemode op de button knop. Wanneer je de gamemode aanzet en je drukt op de knopt dan gaat de knop knipperen en tot dat die uitvalt heb je de tijd om te tekenen.

Dus uiteindelijk hebben we de volgende dingen gemaakt:

- Een knop die data verzamelt. - Een app waar de data nog aangepast of verzamelt kan worden. - Een knop voor gamemodus. - Spelkaarten om het spel te maken.

Hieronder de presentatie

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thatcookingfat · 7 years ago

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Don't worry Mum, I've got this!

Happy Purrsday everyone. You might have gathered, Dotty's not here at the moment. She's having trouble writing about the things that made her sad when she was little. So it's time for me to put my best paw forward and take over for a while. I suppose I'd better introduce myself. My name is Harley, I'm Dotty's fur baby. She's got two hooman babies as well. Apparently hooman mummy doesn't want to name them, cos she hasn’t asked them if she can, so I'll call them my big and little brother; although in cat years I'M the big brother. In case you're wondering what I look like, hooman mummy says I'm 'buddy gawjus' and she is ALWAYS right, except when I'm grounded or have to go the doctors!

(This is me as a growed up!)

I adopted my hooman family when I was a baby. I lived in a place, hooman mummy, called the Are Es Pea Sea Hay, with my mummy, brother and sister. There were lots of puss cats there, it was very noisy and all day hoomans would stick their head in our window and make funny noises like awwwwwwwww? When my hooman family met me, my hooman daddy and brothers fell in love with me straight away, hooman mummy just didn't have their sense of good taste! But the sensible ones won and I was off to my new home. I remember hooman mummy saying they hard to change my name, apparently Kitler wasn't a nice name!

My first day was horrible, I was put in a box with bars and put inside another big box that made funny noises and moved fast. I still don't like that big box, cos I only go in it to see the Doctor and usually end up getting stabbed in the neck or up the bum! I was so scared when the big box stopped and when I went into my new home, my mummy, brother and sister weren't there! I didn't want to get out the box and it was hooman mummy that stopped the others from trying to get me out. Instead, she left the door with bars open so I could come out on my own, much to hooman daddy's disgust.

Soon I smelled something familiar, food. So I quietly crawled out my box and started sniffing around. Before I knew it, I was scooped up and taken into another room. This became my second favourite room in the house! Hooman mummy showed me where the food was and more importantly where the toilet was, I was busting! She left me alone to go toilet and have something to eat. I had meat, water and something yummy called biskits! Hmmmm I loved the biskits. Once I was emptied and filled up again, I started to explore. I could smell something familiar. It smelled like my mummy, but it was a little different? The smell got stronger and then I saw him. Hooman mummy called him my new brudder, Smokie. I wanted to find where his milk bits were but he just hissed at me and hit me on the head! So I ran back into the other room, found my box and hid.

My first day with my hooman family.

The other hoomans kept trying to get me out the box, but hooman mummy kept telling them off, "Leave him alone, he'll come out in his own time!" The other hoomans didn't like this and I heard my big brother mutter something so hooman mummy couldn't hear him, I still don't know what a bitch is! Smokie came in and sniffed my box. Yay, it was milk time! I tried again to find his milk bits, but he hit me once more! I was confused, he was big like mummy, but his milk bits were very small and he didn't want to share them! He was mean! I went to sleep feeling scared and lonely.

My brudder from anoudder mudder, Smokie

When I woke up, it was dark. The hoomans had gone and I could hear Smokie making that funny noise mummy made when she was asleep, it was time to explore. I found these strange things hooman mummy calls the stairs? All I know is they were big and I had lots of them to climb. The first room I found smelled a bit like my toilet, but there was no grit, only a big white seat with a handle! The next door was closed, so was the one after that! The final room looked like it was closed, but there was a tiny gap that eventually, when I pushed hard, opened up. This room had soooooo many smells! There were some nice sweet smells, like the smells hoomans spray on themselves. There were also horrible smells. l soon learned these were what hooman mummy called dirty clothes; my big brother seemed to love his dirty clothes, they were everywhere! I kept exploring and climbed on this big thing that so soft. Big brother was on there, but he was asleep. This big thing was so soft and warm and it made me feel very sleepy. Suddenly big brother's hand shot out and he started tickling the top of my head. Mmmmmmm, it was so nice and i fell asleep.

When I woke up, hooman mummy was shouting at big brother. She was cross because I got into his room. Why was she cross with him? I’dve gone in the other rooms if I could, it was their fault for keeping the doors closed! I wasn't sure of hooman mummy, I thought she had been nice yesterday, but I didn't like the tone she was using today. She walked out the room saying, "God help you if he's in here tonight?" Who was this God, would he know where my real mummy was?

Luckily I didn't see much of hooman mummy after that. Every day she left to go to this place called werk. I knew when she was going here, cos she wore the same clothes everytime, just like my brothers did when they went to this place called skool. She must have liked the werk, she went EVERY day and sometimes left when it was dark and didn't come back until it was dark again. Often she was very tired and cross. Apparently hooman daddy was 'lazy', 'as much use as a chocolate fireguard' and 'if he had brains he would be dangerous'. I loved hooman daddy, he didn't do so much of the werk. He liked looking at the box with moving pictures and that meant I could sit on his lap and get tickles.

Little brother didn't give me as many cuddles as big brother. The day after I arrived, there had been an almighty row. Hooman mummy didn't like my name, so it needed to be changed. There was lots of different words used, but I kept hearing the same one over and over, Harley! I could tell my brothers weren't too keen, but hooman mummy was the boss. She said I ran everywhere at 90mph and had a purr like Harley Davidson, I never met him though! Little brother didn't like this, because it sounded too much like Charlie! Smokie told me, once we were friends, that Charlie had been his brother from another mother too. They had been at the Are Es Pea Sea Hay together and lived with hooman mummy and brothers. Hoomans daddy wasn't around then, he came along later. Charlie had gone out one day and never came back, this made the hoomans very sad, especially little brother. Hooman mummy said my name may have sounded like Charlie but there was no way they could ever replace him. He got his name apparently because he was so mischievous, a proper cheeky Charlie. This Charlie sounded like a nice cat and I would have to do the 'cheekies' to get little brother to like me.

The legend that was Charlie

I wasn't too bothered about hooman mummy, when she wasn't going out to do the werk, she was doing the housewerk! She couldn't get enough of the werk stuff. I never understood why she did the housewerk, it always made her cross! I would often hear her get mad when she did the werk at home. Apparently the other hoomans were lazy bastids, if hooman daddy wasn't prepared to werk as hard as hooman mummy to pay the bills he should get off his fat arse and do more in the house and my brothers were the ones who wanted me, so they should do more to look after me! Hooman mummy must have loved us though, cos she was the only one who made sure our bowl was full and our toilet was clean. But she often asked the other hoomans, was she the only one capable of shovelling shit? Smokie told me, hooman mummy was much nicer before hooman daddy came along. She didn't do this going out to werk stuff and had lots of time for cuddles. She did go to places called college and university, but that didn't make her so cross, and it was only for few hours and some days not at all! Instead of trying to do this housewerk all in one day she did a little bit everyday and she didn't get so cross.

She would get annoyed with Smokie sometimes though. She would often be up late at night, pressing the magic buttons, writing things called lesson plans and essays. He would worry that it was too late and jump on the magic buttons to tell her it was time for bed. This would make hooman mummy cross, because the thing she called the monitor would flash and put more of those funny shapes on it. Smokie thought they looked lovely, but hooman mummy didn't appreciate his help and would call him a 'cooking fat', or something like that! On the whole hooman mummy was much nicer without the werk. It wasn't 'til hooman mummy had the 'dizzies' and 'fall overz' that I discovered this side her.

So, back to little brother. He liked to have a nap on the sofa after skool, so I started joining him, laying on the side that wasn't on the cushions. This happened everyday! He had 'The Hormonez' because he was a tea nay jer? Like big brother, it made him angry, sleepy and told everyone they 'didn't understand him.' These hormonez sounded horrible! Apparently I never got them, because hooman mummy had my 'bitz chopped off’. I still wonder why my brothers didn't have theirs chopped off too, it would've made them a lot less smelly and moody!

Little brother must have been loving me laying on him. When hooman mummy wasn't around, he would tap his lap and make a funny whistling sound to call me up, to have our nap. When hooman mummy was around though, he pretended he didn't love me! At night time he started leaving his door open too! His room was smaller than big brother's and it didn't have the horrible smells or the dirty saucers. Hooman mummy said he was very tidy and big brother could learn a few things from him. By now, hooman mummy had given up the shouting cos the doors were left open at night time. Between the werk, housewerk and shouting that 'maybe I should put a broom up my arse and sweep up at the same time', I think she was too tired to care anymore. Me and little brother became best friends, big brother was too, but because I'd had to work so hard to get little brother to like me, it made our love even more special. Every night I would sleep next to him. Hooman mummy would tell him, "It's not good for your chest," and he would snap back, "God mum, I haven't had an asthma attack in years!" Hooman mummy may have done a lot of shouting when she was at home, but she certainly loved us all!

Smokie liked the doors being open too, he would sleep in big brother's room at night. Neither of us wanted to sleep in the other room. That's where our hooman mummy and daddy slept. Hooman mummy would sneak in, in the middle of the night, after doing the werk. It was a noisy too. Hooman daddy did the funny noise when he slept, but It was so loud. Sometimes we would hear an 'ooooof', when hooman mummy had accidentally hit him in the ribs with her elbow! Hooman mummy wasnt quiet either, she made this horrible sound and sniffed a lot, she sounded very sad. I still don't understand why she made herself so unhappy! The werk made her tired, the housewerk made her cross and she never had time to do anything fun. But apparently it was Bill's fault, he sounded bad, and the fact hooman daddy kept changing his car and couldn't keep a job to save his feckin life! She must have loved that word, she used it so much! Feckin idiot, feckin bastid, and feckin cat were her 3 favourite ones!

I think I've gone on enough for one day. I'll be back on Caturday. Tomorrow hooman mummy and Nanny are taking The Hooligans to the doctors, to have their 'bits chopped off' too! I think I might be kinder to them for a couple of days. We might not get on too well, but I remember how sore I was after mine were done; hooman mummy said I had a 'couple of acres' and my brothers kept holding their bits and looking at me with sorrow and pity! All I know is I walked like I'd shit myself and I felt a bit lighter!

See you Caturday, lots of purrs and kisses, 😻 Harley 😻

#cats kittens #rspca

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americasnexttoprecap-blog · 8 years ago

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Cycle 1 Episode 2

The Girl Who’s Here to Win, Not to Make Friends, aka. Who Will Be This Cycle’s Bitch?

We open with Sister Shannon feeling relieved about not leaving and having a super loving time with Ebony. Cut to Elyse in one of those diary entry head on interviews bitching about how everyone’s noisy and annoying and how she wants to hide. This appears to be ok with everyone else because Elyse is a buzzkill.

Next day OMG TYRA(nt) MAIL. I guess we are calling it Tyra(nt) Mail from now on. The girls are going to meet their first FASHION EXPERT! Ebony practices posing in front of the mirror and it’s one of the most awkward things ever. I can’t look away.

Elyse starts bitching about how she’s an ACADEMIC and she loves how ACADEMIC she is and the house is just so not ACADEMIC. She then says she’s a militant atheist again. Still don’t really know what she means by that. Then Robin gives her a bible verse that says ‘Foolish is the man that says there is no God’ and Elyse thinks it’s offensive, which it totally is. But don’t get a big head Elyse because I still hate you.

The girls head to some place where there’s a runway and Tyra(nt) is there to show them all the wrong ways to do a runway. The girls walk up and down the runway and OMG MISS J IS THERE except he isn’t calling himself Miss J. Nice-cole is apparently fine, Robin is OMG SO FAT, Adrianne is also fine, Sister Shannon has a commercial walk, Giselle’s walk is too dancey, Kesse is fucking aggressive as fuck, Ebony’s walk is uptight, Patron Saint of Polar Bears is really into it but is kinda shite, and bloody Elyse apparently has what it takes (and yet I still hate you Elyse). Then Miss J walks and he looks better than them.

We go back to talking about Elyse being ACADEMIC. Can this be over soon.

We’re now in a pizza place and Elyse is eating oatmeal (out of a fucking paper cup, what is happening) and everyone is concerned. I’m concerned about why in the holy name of Tyra(nt) a pizza place is selling random paper cups of oatmeal.

Back at Model Dungeon they are all practicing their walk on the runway that they just happen to have in their apartment. Elyse is talking about how she doesn’t want to be a model and wants to be eliminated. It’s probably because she’s so ACADEMIC.

The next day there is an EXTREME RUNWAY CHALLENGE aka impromptu fashion show. The reward is a night out on the town with Wyclef Jean. I don’t know who he is but I feel like a night out on the town with someone famous who you don’t know is a form of torture not a prize. How much more awkward can a social situation get? Anyway.

The girls all walk in pyjamas, I think. But then someone’s wearing a beanie so I dunno.

Then they walk in other clothes. What the fuck is this monstrosity?

Miss J says Elyse’s dress is fabulous and looks great on her. She says ‘Frankly this dress is hideous and I’m so glad I don’t own it’. Which it 100% is, but stfu Elyse. It isn’t decorated in tiny little equations and chemical symbols, so it isn’t ACADEMIC enough for her probably.

We cut to critiques, Miss J says throws some random critiques out there then says something I didn’t catch about Elyse’s shoe, but it doesn’t actually matter what was said because it’s just a chance to cut to Elyse’s head on interview thing where she says that because modelling doesn’t rely on intelligence she doesn’t have an advantage, even though she’s smarter than the other girls. God help Elyse’s future patients. Girl’s a grade A bitch.

Robin was late getting on runway cause she was looking at herself in the mirror. This is a major hazard when one is a model. Sister Shannon gets in trouble for buttoning a shirt she was supposed to leave open, and she says she didn’t feel comfortable with it open because Jesus. Ebony was early, and she was also late, and she gives too much attitude. Giselle was good, Adrianne good, Patron Saint of Polar Bears was good but should be less sexy (Katie, why always so porny?). The winner of the challenge is Giselle and Adrianne is pissed off because she thinks Giselle doesn’t have enough confidence, therefore Adrianne intends to build her confidence by saying she doesn’t deserve to win. Rock’n’Roll! Giselle picks Ebony, Katie and Nice-cole to go with her for the Awkward Night Out with That Guy. That makes it less awkward but it’s still a lame prize.

Elyse is feeling isolated from the other girls and that makes her not want to be here. This is because the other girls are vapid (which means not ACADEMIC) and boring. It has nothing to do with the fact that Elyse is a snob. Then she goes in full sweary rant mode out of nowhere and it’s glorious. She brings up the bible incident (fair, dick move Robin), says Adrianne should get out of her face and stop quoting movies, calls Giselle a fucking worthless cunt who is wasteful, bitchy, stupid and a shame to her parents, then she says that Miss J offended her by saying that medical school is hard work because she’s aware of that, then she says Katie is the most insincere person she’s ever met. Guys, model down. Elyse has cracked.

Giselle and her Chosen Ones go to the night out with that guy and an emergency letter arrives saying the photoshoot starts at 7.30 the next day and I think Robin goes downstairs to catch Giselle and the Chosen Ones to tell them. Boring. They don’t refer to it as Tyra(nt) Mail cause they can’t commit.

Giselle and her Chosen Ones are at Wyclef’s studio having a grand old time being forced to sing in 5 part harmony. It’s cringeworthy as fuck and I pray for a sudden death.

Back at the Model Dungeon Ebony is practicing her runway walk. Cut back to Giselle and her Chosen Ones and OMFG they’re all grinding on each other. It’s just this Wyclef bloke, a handful of random people and the four models dry humping in the studio. This is torture. Show me Elyse talking about ACADEMICS again.

Giselle and her Chosen Ones return to the Model Dungeon and Ebony tells Adrianne about the early morning photo shoot. Then Adrianne says that Ebony was planning to keep it to herself. But earlier Robin went and told them? I don’t really know. Adrianne is pissed off in a drawly way. Boring.

Next day Robin is talking about how she went down to tell Giselle and the Chosen Ones about the early photo shoot and how that is because she is so Christian. Ebony didn’t do it because she’s a blood drinking Satanist who hates babies. Ebony says she wasn’t trying to keep it to herself. Robin says that all the demons that are within Ebony are going to come out. The Exorcism of Ebony Rose. Ha. Everyone is yelling at the same time except the Patron Saint of Polar Bears who is giggling which makes me like her. Then Robin starts singing some gospel song, then makes everyone close their eyes and join hands and say a prayer and she starts crying and it’s nauseating. Shit is getting extremely close to ‘The Craft’. Even Elyse joins in the prayer even though it’s not ACADEMIC, then she starts crying too, but not because she’s being touched by the spirit, just because she’s uncomfortable.

Then Ebony throws the best shade of the season so far. She sneakily opens her eyes in the middle of the prayer circle and looks straight into the camera like it’s The Office.

Ebony, you’re a fucking queen.

PHOTOSHOOT TIME!

They’re modelling for a men’s magazine today. Katie will probably be in her element but Sister Shannon and Robin and whoever the other Christians are are not going to like this! Oh wait they don’t seem to care! Having an open shirt will condemn you to eternal suffering and gnashing of teeth, but soft porn mags are 100% a-ok! For that is the Word.

Tyra(nt) has her photos taken for a while because it’s very important that we don’t forget about her. Everyone waxes poetic about how great she was.

As predicted Patron Saint of Polar Bears is super into it because everything she does is porny, but the photographer isn’t feeling it. Adrianne is like a snake, which is apparently a good thing, Elyse gets her bra stuffed and feels silly and uncomfortable in her shoot. Good. Robyn wants to cover her hips up, probably because Janice Duckinson and Elyse and Giselle and everyone else kept saying she was fat last week. But Tyra(nt) convinces her not to and she goes out in her bikini. Werk it Robin. Nice-cole is ‘physically flawless’, Ebony is super modern, Sister Shannon was great, Giselle was ‘beautifully present’ and has an inner sexuality, Kesse was too self-conscious.

TYRA(nt) MAIL! It just says it’s elimination time the next day. In the future, kids, we refer to that as Skull Mail.

Elise goes on about how the prayer was inappropriate again. Then she says if Kesse wins it’ll be unfair cause Kesse looks like Tyrant and it would just be Tyra(nt) choosing another Tyra(nt). I think that’s literally Tyra(nt)’s goal in life. Then she says the other girls think she isn’t taking the competition seriously but she’s actually starting to take it more seriously than she’s letting on. What the fuck woman? 20 minutes ago you said you wanted to be eliminated and you didn’t want to be a model? WHAT HAPPENED TO ACADEMICS? Traitor.

MORNING OF THE ELIMINATION DAY. Elise drinks peppermint tea and Ebony drinks the blood of a Christian virgin (probably). The Christians pray together.

The guest judge is Miss J.

The girls do their runway walks again before they talk about their photos but I’m not going to talk about that unless something interesting happens. Seriously? Enough walking.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THE PHOTOS AND SNIDE JUDGEMENTS!

ROBIN

The judges like it, except Janice Duckinson who says 26 is too old. Janice Duckinson is rude.

NICE-COLE

Janice Duckinson thinks her arm is making her look too titty and would like more relaxation.

GISELLE

They like her photo. Kimbra likes the shoes because they’re her shoes. Shut up Kimbra. Wait is that her name? That’s a musician… I don’t know. NEXT!

SISTER SHANNON

Janice Duckinson loves it and gives her a 10. No one else says anything. Beau never says anything. Perhaps Ebony ate his tongue in a ritual.

ADRIANNE

Tyra(nt) likes it, the light looks good on her cheekbone. No one else says anything. Not even Janice Duckinson.

EBONY

Janice Duckinson loves it. That’s all.

ELYSE

Elyse is the only one who gets praised for her walk. They say she looks super sexy in her photo and that the photographer liked working with her. She says she doesn’t like it and that she was forced to make her sexuality ‘mainstream’. I do not know what she means by that. It was probs too ACADEMIC for me. Kimora says she’s too thin and too pale (Kimora! Not Kimbra. Apologies to Kimbra). That’s because she has no soul, Kimora.

PATRON SAINT OF POLAR BEARS/ KATIE

They think the picture is cheap and porny. Surprise.

KESSE

She cries when she gets critiqued on her runway walk. Drink some cement and harden up mate. Janice Duckinson agrees with me. They say she looks like Tyra(nt) in the picture and they like it.

The judges deliberate. They say Kesse is weak for crying (truuuue). They say Giselle needs to ‘tighten up’ which I think for a moment is their way of being PC about calling her fat, but then they all just say ‘SHE’S GOT A WIDE ASS’ so PC is out the window. #thatwouldneverflytoday. Elyse= skinny, Katie= porny, she’s vacant, she’s boring, she’s too hard etc.

WAVE THE FLAG, IT’S ELIMINATION NATION (I hate myself).

Sister Shannon is called first, then Nice-cole.

Giselle in, Robin in, Adrianne in, Ebony in (Robin crosses herself), Elyse in (NO WHYYYY).

Kesse and Katie are in the bottom two.

Kesse is in. As if Tyra(nt) would let mini-me go.

Katie goes home as melancholy guitar music plays. You can see what she’s been up to since the show on pornhub.com.

Til next time.

PS. Sorry Katie love your work, the polar bears need you xx

#antm #america's next top model #tyra banks #recap #review #reality tv

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