#went to the dentist + got lunch + got some snacks for when im at work today and have been in bed the last 5 hours

[altfire]

idk how im gonna get thru work tomorrow. i grt nauseous if i dont eat every 30 minutes and being on my feet for more than a few minutes is completely draining

[you-marvelous-creature]

weekly log

monday: lazy day after a busy weekend especially since i was fasting. excessive sleeping and slothing, et cetera. spent a lot of time catching v up on weekend gossip, particularly from the bridal shower the day before. had a nice walk in the backyard. the very large deer that frequents the premises has grown extremely accustomed to human beings, and he watched me for quite some time as i walked back and forth, listening to office ladies and feeling generally immensely content with the world. when i paused at the bench for a moment to check my phone, in my peripheral vision i saw him turn on his heel and bound magnificently away.

i had delicious potato snacks for iftar and we got thai food for dinner and the basil fried rice tasted so good i almost wept.

tuesday: fasting again, less lazy of a day. i finally went to the learning store ive been wanting to go to since 2018 but now feel Allowed not that i have a job for september (!!!!!!!). i shopped for my classroom (!!!!!!!) and it was the TIME OF MY LIFE. i have never enjoyed being inside a store that much in my entire life. showing extreme restraint, i only purchased three things: a large wipe-off calendar, nametags for students’ desks, and (a splurge) star tags for the bulletin board outside. i had always pictured apples, but maybe next year. stars feel like the right move to start my classroom off on.

dinner was nthai leftovers.

wednesday: not fasting today. dentist in the morning (torturous, but necessary.) met v for lunch after and we spent the day together (dont tell her boss.) sisters were fasting, so they were mostly asleep. a lot of hammock time and generally lounging about for the remainder of the evening. also got a lot of writing done (lacrosse au.....) and talked to shirley for a while.

thursday: spent the entire day debating or not whether i should sign up for a yoga class. decided to sign up for a yoga class. went to yoga. it was the time of my life. gave nageen her present at midnight to me and imans great joy.

friday: tutored in the morning. tried valiantly not to let it put me in a bad mood, which it often does for much of the weekend. mostly just hung out with sisters all day since it was nageen’s birthday! we went shopping and got a margherita pizza from panera bread which turned out to be delicious. also had a lot of hammock time and read a lot of the raven king, which is slowly destroying me. i dont know what im going to do when the series ends. im glad that i abandoned the series in high school, because a) i dont think i really got it back then and b) it is the perfect book for the current moment i am in my life. magical forests and sad boys and healing from trauma, that’s me.

satuday: lounged, eid bazaar (boring), read, hammock, was relieved that some plans i had unwittingly agreed to on sunday were canceled and immediately made new ones with people i actually liked. made pizza and watched a lot of pretty little liars w/sisters. wrote the climax (i think?) of lacrosse au.

sunday: brunch with friends! (see: people i actually liked.) we went to a cute overpried place and got waffles. it was far more instagram than my life usually is. hung out until 5, napped (sort of), did yoga with nageen (surprising) and am now completely exhausted from what feels like a very long day. 

[pbandjesse]

We just got back from dinner with Jame's parents. It was a very long night where I told so many stories about my life and background. It was a lot. But it was also really nice. Just getting it all out on the table. Even if I may have made James's mom cry a little bit. 

Today was a pretty good day but jesus it was humid. James says it was the most humid day this year. So he did not go on his very long bike ride, he is saving that for tomorrow. So we had the morning together and he made me hashbrowns and it was a good time. 

I spent a lot of today just hanging out though. I felt really tired. Though I didnt want to be. So I worked in my studio. I worked on making those little squares out of the long pieces I had started a few weeks ago. And then cut those down twice and sewed those together to make this little panel. And then I wanted to experiment with more long stips. So since I have large pieces of fabric for once I chose some of those to start sewing together. 

James made us popcorn and so I had that for lunch. Took a sewing break. Played around on my phone. Watched videos. 

Got back to sewing in midafternoon. Brandon came over and we all chatted for a bit. I was finishing up the last of my strips when the machine started struggling. And then it stopped moving. And it sort of smelled like it was burning. So I think I just burned out the motor. And like. I have had this machine since I was like 14? Maybe younger. So I think I got my money's worth but I am still bummed because I have been having so much fun sewing. And the other machine is at camp. But now James's mom might give me her flip table machine which would be super cool!! Though it may also need some work but well cross that bridge when we get to it. 

I was a little bummed but excited with what I did finish in that quick amount of time. I would like to try some applique techniques on this one. But it will depend on how long before James figures out how to get that machine to our place and I find a spot to put it. The studio is really full right now. Might need to move the train to the living room?

I laid in bed and watched videos for a while. Texted with Jess. The plant I ordered for her came and is twice as big as I expected it to be and we had a really good laugh about that. James and Brandon were playing video games. But soon it was time to get ready to go have dinner with the Fulwilers, so Brandon said goodbye and we got cleaned up and out the door. 

It was a lot of fun hanging out with them. We got dinner. They gave us chips that someone sent them? Just like a huge box of snack bags of chips. James went to pick up the food we ordered while his mom and dad showed me the old sewing machine and a project Tucker wants me to help with. I think it will be a lot of fun. I hope we can figure it all out. 

Dinner was nice and the ice cream after was good. Somehow we got on the subject of the dentist and how I need to go which ended up with me telling some of my deep dark stories and eventually making Anne cry. Oops. But it was really nice to just like tell them. About my parents and my siblings and the people weve lost this year and how conflicted it makes me. How I am trying to deal with everything while still feeling joy and love and how my parents have always been great examples of that. I really do love telling stories. And I got to hear some of their stories too and that was good. But as the night wore on everyone was getting tired, and Anne's drink seemed to hit her all at once and we decided to go home. 

Were home now. SweetP is wandering around and Im watching pancake the frog bounce around his tank. And now i am going to take a shower and get some rest. I hope tomorrow to make more art and pack for camping and just. Not feel guilty all the time. We can only hope. 

[pbandjesse]

Emotionally I am having a hard day. It has Absolutly been all over the place. I slept okay but not great. I got up and got dressed. Packed my lunch and snacks. James was going to come over and walk with me to the dentist but I decided to go alone. I just was dealing with a lot and didnt want to he a person.

I got to the dentist and they took me back quickly. My crown was tight so they had to fix it a bit. The dental hygenist was really nice and made me feel like it wasn't a moral failing that my teeth are messed up. But i did have 3 cavities. And because of the pulp horns my roots have I need ANOTHER ROOT CANAL. I'm done. I was just so numb when they said that. I said just pull it. I cannot afford that. I wont do another root canal. The dentist said well we can try just a filling but it may not work. And when i still pushed back he said to try care credit. Which is a credit card for medical stuff. Okay. But I was still torn up.

The hygienist did a nice job on my teeth. Told me I gotta use a persciption toothpaste that has extra fluoride. And chew this special gum. So at least I can do that and feel like im trying harder then i already was.

I stayed in the office and got approved for the care credit. But. A root canal would max out the card. And it has a 27% interest after 6 months. Incredible. This is the tooth next to my left canine. So its semi visible. And Like I just want it gone at this point but i also already feel so ugly lately that its hard to think about. Why are teeth like a luxury item?? I cannot emotionally handle another root canal though so this might be goodbye to this tooth.

I called a car and got to my meeting right on time. And even though i was dealing with a lot it was a good time. The meetings were good. And i got a massage. The masseuse said I didnt have any tension in my back and said my yoga is working. Awesome.

We did some games and writing about the program. And it was really nice getting to talk to all my coworkers about the program and what we accomplished. We also said goodbye to like half the staff so itll be cool to meet the new staff come the fall.

Liz gave me a ride back to my bike. I stopped for taco stuff and after a pit stop at my apartment I headed to James's.

I was already very very tired and emotionally dealing with a lot. But James had most of the food almost ready so we finished eating stuff up together. And James made us essentially Crunchwrap Supremes from Taco Bell. And it was great. But then I go into the kitchen he had thrown all of the leftovers away. He made himself lunch and didn't even ask me. And like it really upset me. It just felt like he wasn't being aware that for 1. it was wasteful and for 2. It was not being very considerate. He sort of got it at first. That he was being wasteful and then he wanted to go and buy another pepper. But I was just like you didn't even think about me. And honestly I was still hungry and he didn't even give us like 10 minutes after we finished eating or ask for anything. And like he overfilled his taco shell but I didn't. So I got like half the food and he still threw away all of my stuff. Because he made our vegetables separately because he put meat in his. So it really hurt my feelings. and then we tried to make a dessert and it just didn't work out. It came out all wrong. And I was just upset. I'm tired and hungry. And so I said I was going to go home. And he asked if he could walk with me and at first I said yes but when we got down to my bike I just wanted to go home and be by myself.

But I told him what was wrong that my feelings were hurt regardless of the food. And we ended up walking and talking on the way to my apartment and I'm glad we did. I'm glad we can talk like that. I still feel sad I'm glad we talk things out in the open. I want the time I got back to my apartment I was just tired. Wasn't that mad anymore or sad . Just tired.

James left and I went to go get the mail. And the book I wrote a chapter for had come. I'm very excited to read it. And my new Cafe lid for my Klean kanteen bottle.

I went down to the basement and I painted really 45 minutes. Nothing I'm terribly proud of. It's good but it's fine. I think because I'm just painting for pleasure and not anything big and conceptual that I'm having trouble seeing past just what's on the paper. I'm not great at figuring out Concepts behind paintings anyway but I'm glad I did something. Made me feel a little bit better about my lack of artistic practice lately. I'm working on it.

I took a shower and brush my teeth and now I'm laying in bed. I have a very early and very long day tomorrow. I have to be at the museum at 8:15. For a double Cannery. I'm half training though so that'll be fun. And I hope it's just a chill day. But I have a feeling it won't be. Because after work I'm going out with James and his parents and his sister and his sister's boyfriend. And then we're going to a play. So it's just going to be like a really long day. But hopefully it's still nice. I hope you'll sleep well.

Good night

[pbandjesse]

Im tired. Im laying in bed with sweetp but im just so very very tired. Today was a good day. I slept really well last night. My charger broke so i had to used a differnt one and so i had to leave my string lights on. And so i slept with a sleep mask and it really helped me sleep way deeper then normal.

I woke up and felt okay. My hair was dirty, which made me feel bad. But I got dressed and tried my best to feel alright. I packed a lunch and a snack and had a nice breakfast. I didn't have to be at the museum until 10 so I just had a chill morning.

I biked to the museum. And had an excellent tag team tour. Kenneth, the new guy, did parts of the tour and it was fun. The group did show up almost an hour early which was very confusing but we handled it. And the tour was fun and then it was time for me to go.

It was very warm out!! But I tried to just enjoy it. I got to the school and worked on some stuff. We had some weirdness because Chelsi was off dealing with stuff for thr class, but i didnt know she wasnt in thr classroom. So when I sent half the kids up there while I waited for the kids in detention, I didnt know there was no adult up there. Ugh. And then poor damien got lost and came to our class sobbing bevause he didnt know where we were. I felt terrible.

Recess was a lot of fun though. We skate boarded again. Worked on sharing. But it was a lot of fun.

We had pizza for dinner. And i let them try the seaweed salad i had brought.

We went back to thr class and worked on their stop motions. 2 groups are done! 3 still got some work to do. But progress is being made!

We finished up the day. It was decided that next week were going to have a restorative circle with thr girls in our class because of all the catty behavior. I hope it helps.

I got home and did laundry. Took a shower. Washed my hair. Had cereal for dinner. James came and hung out for a bit. And once he helped me bring all my clothes up he headed home. And now im laying in bed. Resting.

I hope you are all having a good night. It's may tomorrow. Which is wild. And i have my dentist appointment and a PD tomorrow. O hope its just a nice day though.

Goodnight everyone. Sleep well. Be safe.