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queen-of-the-merry-men · 8 years ago

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Sunny Side Up: Chapter 3

When Robin Locksely, a small town firefighter, asks his best friend, Regina Mills, the town prosecutor, for her eggs she assumes he’s talking about breakfast food, turns out that’s not exactly what he has in mind. Robin wants to have a child and is hoping to use her DNA to make it a reality. (title card courtesy of @whizz-bee)

Chapter Summary: Robin and Regina get started “conceiving” their child.

FF.net link

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It was Saturday morning and gorgeous out. The birds were chirping and the fall air was crisp. The sun had risen past the skyline and was casting a beautiful glow over the small sleepy town Robin called home. He sat on the bench outside of Granny's diner, one coffee in hand and another beside him along with a small box of donuts. Honey-glazed. Regina's favorite.

He leaned back as he waited for her to show up. He was relaxed. Probably more relaxed than he'd been in weeks. It had been three days since they'd decided to not to have a surrogate. Regina had chosen to carry their baby herself and honestly Robin found himself relieved by her choice. Not only would they no longer have to endure the grueling process of searching for a surrogate but this way he'd be able to be more involved in the pregnancy. She'd be close by, able to depend on him for stress management and cravings. He'd be there for every milestone and kick, and it'd just be the two of them. Having Regina carry the baby meant he had a better chance of a more intimate experience than he'd previously expected and that thought excited him.

Now it all came down to how they would choose to conceive.

After an awkward two-hour sex-ed class when he was eleven and an even more cringeworthy conversation with Granny two years later Robin had considered himself pretty well-informed on how babies were brought into this world. But, according to all the research he'd done in the last 72 hours, he realized that their options were a lot less limited than he'd previously assumed. He'd wanted to talk with Regina about all their options but hadn't wanted to push her after her emotional decision with surrogacy. She was probably fretting over this decision even more than he as he was. Given that it was her body on the line the decision was mostly hers. It was best to let her have some space, let her wrap her head around the idea for a while.

However, after giving it some thought he was sure that she'd choose to conceive their child through insemination. It was the simplest procedure, its chances of success were high and it was relatively inexpensive. They could even do it at home if that's what she wanted. From what he'd read it seemed like it would be their best option.

He'd planned casually bring up his findings this morning. They'd agreed to meet up before heading over to help Belle set up for Community Day and he figured he'd mention that he'd been looking into things and see how she reacted. Hopefully, she would be open to talking about it and they could come up with a plan to learn more over the next few days.

He looked up when he heard her approaching footsteps. She waved hello to him, poorly hiding a yawn as she wiggled her fingers.

"Tired?" he observed, offering the coffee he'd got for her.

She nodded as she took it from him. "I was up late last night digging through old case files to search for precedent in a trial."

"Any luck?"

"None whatsoever," she sighed, clearly disappointed.

She took another sip of her coffee and Robin looked her over as she did. She certainly looked tired. Beautiful, of course, but tired. Her hair was still tussled from sleep and she had on a pair of plain jeans and a purple knit sweater that she'd definitely thrown on at the last minute. Robin knew that Regina took her appearance very seriously, which is why casual clothes were almost always a clear sign of distress with her. The case she was working on must've been a big deal. If that truly was what had kept her up all night.

"Let's get going," she said. "I don't want Belle waiting for us too long."

Robin nodded in agreement and they started walking toward the library together. For a while they engaged in a little mindless chit chat – gossiping about their friends and families, commenting on work. As they walked and talked Robin mentally searched for an opening to bring up the baby. But just when he was about to take the plunge, Regina beat him to the punch.

"So… I've been doing some thinking," she said. "You know, about our conversation on Wednesday?"

Robin nods his head and drawls, "Yeah…"

Here we go, he thinks to himself.

"And since we're not using a surrogate anymore I downloaded a period tracking app…"

Robin's head whips toward her as his face twists up in surprise. "A period tracking app? They actually have those?"

Regina scoffs at him. "Of course they do! Robin they have apps for casual sex. You don't think they have apps for this?"

"Fair point," he concedes, with a shrug. "Why'd you download it?"

"I thought it would be useful in helping me keep track of when I was ovulating," she stated matter-of-factly.

Upon hearing her explanation Robin nodded his head in agreement, silently realizing that an app could be more than a little helpful to help her stay on top of things like that. It wasn't as if he had any experience with it but it seemed like something that could be difficult to figure out on your own.

"Anyway I put in a couple of past dates," Regina continued, "…and it looks like I'll actually be ovulating in a few days."

Robin's eyebrows went up in surprise. "So soon?"

"Yeah," she breathed, nodded her head with a nervous smile. "And I was thinking that maybe, if you had no objections, we could try… conceiving?"

Suddenly Robin could hear his heart pounding in his ears. A part of him was excited about the prospect of finally getting started on their child's conception, but another part of him was caught off guard at how quickly she wanted to get started. Conceiving? Already? She'd just said that she would be ovulating in a few days. Would they even be ready in time?

"I mean, we don't really have a reason to wait, do we?" she pointed out, with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Well… no," Robin admitted, "But don't you think it's cutting it kind of close? I mean we haven't even chosen a doctor to do the insemination yet. If that's the procedure you'd even want to go with."

Regina's walking slowed to a stop when Robin brought up the word "insemination." Her gaze flickered to the street and she took a quick breath before anxiously looking back in his eyes as he stopped beside her.

"About that… I was thinking that we might actually try…conceiving naturally?"

Robin paused. He took a moment to let her words seep into his mind.

"Conceiving naturally?" he asked.

Regina nodded. "Yes."

"As in… sex?"

"Yes."

"…Oh."

It was all he could manage to say. In that moment it felt like a gust of wind could've blown him over. Regina wanted to conceive naturally with him? Through sex? That was… unexpected.

Pushed by his shocked silence Regina started to back track. "I completely understand if it's too uncomfortable and you don't want to do it-"

"I didn't say that." He quickly cut her off with a shake of his head. He took a moment to gather his thoughts before speaking again. "I'm actually… open to that possibility."

"Really?" said Regina, a tiny bit of skepticism in her tone.

"Of course," he softly replied. "It's just… not what I expected to hear from you. After we talked I thought you'd want something… less complicated. I thought for sure we'd end up doing insemination."

"And I thought that's what I wanted too," said Regina. "But I've just been going over it in my head these past few days and what would really be the point of that? Why should we go to the doctor and pay hundreds of dollars just to accomplish something that we could do ourselves? The more I think about it the more it feels like just another unnecessary complication."

And it really did. After her realization of how much hell she'd put herself through because of her guilt over Daniel and the pregnancy Regina had made herself a promise to make sure the rest of her decisions were based on what she wanted and what she what she was comfortable with. Nothing else. And the more she thought about it the more she knew insemination wasn't what she wanted. For the past three days she'd hardly done anything but mull over the different ways she could conceive her child. She'd practically been glued to her laptop. Her coffee table at home was littered with research she'd printed and pros and cons lists she'd written out.

She'd gone over it a million times in her head and always came to the same conclusion: she wanted a natural conception.

"So…" she drawled, looking up at Robin with anxious eyes. "What do you think?"

Robin hesitated before answering her. He had been telling the truth before. He was open to conceiving their baby the old-fashioned way but her decision to do so caught him off guard. For as long he'd known her Regina had always been one to take her time and think out her decisions. It was both the most endearing and irritating thing about her, and certainly not a thing he would expect or want to change. Especially not now. This decision seemed to come out of nowhere and that wasn't like her.

He and Regina had been friends nearly all their lives. He didn't want to risk complicating that on a whim. If they made this choice he wanted to make sure that neither of them would regret it. Especially not her.

"Well… are you sure this is what you want?" he asked, hesitantly. "Regina, we both know how important it is that things don't get… uncomfortable or complicated. Not just for our friendship but for the baby too, if this works."

"I realize that," she said softly, nodding her head as she reached out to touch his shoulder. "But I trust you Robin. You're my best friend. I've known you all my life and I trust that our friendship is strong enough to withstand a few nights of sex. Don't you?"

It was a bit of a loaded question but if he went with his gut – and he usually did – his answer would have to be yes. Even if things got complicated he trusted that he and Regina would be able to work through it. They always had in the past.

He stared into her eyes searching them for even an ounce of uncertainty but he saw none. She was sure. And that meant he was too.

He took a deep breath and firmly nodded his head. "Okay. I'm in."

A wide grin split her face as her eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Yes," he answered confidently. "Let's make a baby together."

Regina was not sure.

Stripped down to nothing but her underwear, she stood in front of her full-length mirror examining herself from every possible angle. Critically she ran her eyes over every inch of her skin, taking in every tiny imperfection with a small self-conscious groan. She knew she was being ridiculous but she couldn't help it. She was nervous.

Tonight was the night.

Tonight she and Robin would finally try conceiving the baby.

That morning she'd taken an ovulation test and ever since she'd been prickling with a strange mixture of excitement and apprehension. Excitement over the fact the she could possibly be getting pregnant that night but apprehension over the fact that it required her best friend to see her naked. Not to mention that she would be seeing him naked as well. She hadn't been able to think of anything else all day.

She sighed, as she turned to examine her back side once again. Regina knew that she had a good body. She wasn't in the best shape of her life but she was still healthy at leaning a little more toward the thinner side than most. Her skin, while carrying a few scars and growth marks from her childhood, was relatively blemish free. And as she stood in front of her bedroom mirror, dressed in the new lacy black underwear and bra she'd bought, she could honestly say that she looked good. Sexy even.

The problem was that she wasn't able to see herself through her own eyes. All she could do is fret over Robin's possibly negative opinion. For the past hour she'd been torturing herself over whether he'd find the scar above her hip a turn off. Or if he'd think her hips were to bony. Or not bony enough even.

Oh god, what if wasn't even attracted to her all? What would they do then?

She turned away from the mirror in frustration, pulling on an old t-shirt and slipping into some yoga pants before collapsing backwards onto her bed. Robin would be over any minute now. She blew out a nervous breath.

Goddamn it, why had she agreed to this?

Why did he agree to this?

Robin stood in front of the building to Regina's apartment, staring up at her window, taking a deep breath before finally heading inside to the elevator. He'd been sweating bullets ever since she'd called to tell him that she was finally ovulating. His heart had been pounding out of his chest the entire time they'd talked, making plans to meet up later that night.

They were finally going to start trying for a baby. He couldn't believe the moment had come so fast. And he couldn't believe they were doing it naturally.

He'd been friends with Regina for years. And he'd be lying if he said that he hadn't, once or twice, imagined what it would be like to have sex with her but he never thought that he'd one day get the chance to experience the real thing. And especially not for this purpose.

Robin had never been one to overthink things but standing in the elevator on the ride up to her floor he couldn't help but run through all the ways this could end badly. What if it was awkward? Or worse unsatisfactory?

The fact that it'd been a while for him was something Robin couldn't help but focus on. He hadn't been with anyone since Marian and three years is more than a long time. What if he wasn't as "skilled" as he'd once been.

He reached Regina's door before he was ready. Swallowing his anxiety he knocked on it as casually as he could.

She opened it and within seconds he could tell she was nervous. There was a smile on her face but anxiety in her eyes as she waved him into the apartment. She wasn't dressed up, not that he expected her to be. She had on an old t-shirt that was a size too large and pair of stretch yoga pants with her hair up in a ponytail. If it was any other day he would've guessed that she was going to bed. In a way he supposed he was.

"So…," he softly drawled, sticking his hands in his pockets as she closed the door behind him.

"So…," she repeated, gently nodding her head with a smile.

Neither of them had a follow up. They just stood there staring at each other, neither of them knowing just how to proceed or who should make the first move. It should be me, Robin thought to himself. He was a man and the baby had been his idea first. But he quickly squashed that notion. It was better if he let Regina make the first move. At least that way he'd he wasn't moving too fast.

He was still continuing this internal debate when Regina shrugged her shoulders and let out a deep breath. "Did you want music?"

He raised his eyebrows at her. "Hmm?"

"To help set the mood," she clarified.

Stepping around him she walked over to her bookcase, where she inexplicably kept a collection of old CDs.

"I haven't bought an album in years but I have some things left over from before the age of the iPod that might still be good." She could feel her cheeks grow hot as Robin continued to stare while her fingers nervously ran over the plastic cases of her music collection. She knew she was acting like a teenager before her first time and she hated it. Sadly, the knowledge of how strange her behavior was didn't stomp out her anxiety; it only added fuel to the flame. She fixed her eyes on the CDs and before she knew it she was listing off all the artists' names as suggestions.

"I have an old Sade tape, some Norah Jones," she babbled. "Even an old Barry White album that for the life of me I can't remember buying but still seems sensual enough."

Her babbling stops in its tracks when she feels Robin's hand on top of her own, causing her fingers to cease their travels along the CD cases. Swallowing hard she turns to look into his eyes and finds them filled with hesitancy and anxiousness.

"Regina…" he softly says. "This is so… awkward."

She closes her eyes as a whoosh of her relief goes through her body.

"Thank you for saying it first," she replies, giving her head a small shaking. She steps back from the bookcase and sighs as she runs her fingers through her hair. "God, this is terrifying."

"I know," groaned Robin. "I never thought meeting up with my best friend for sex could lead to this much tension."

She laughs at that and it makes Robin glad. He didn't know what possessed him to admit how uncomfortable their situation made him but something about seeing her so obviously thrown off by what they planned to do ignited this urge to make sure that she knew she wasn't alone in that feeling. It had helped. Robin could feel the earlier tension in the room slip away as they laughed at the anxiousness they both felt.

As their chuckles subsided Regina blew out a deep breath and clicked her tongue. "Robin before we do this I think I'm gonna need a quick round of T&T."

He smiled at her as he nodded his head in agreement. "You still have the shot glasses?"

"And the tequila," she answered with a smirk.

Robin chuckled with excitement as they made their way to the kitchen with matching grins on their faces.

T&T was short for Truth and Tequila, a drinking game they'd created when they were nineteen years old. Regina had returned home from Columbia for fall break, while Robin had stayed behind opting not to go to college at all. They'd kept in touch through email but they hadn't actually seen each other in months. Their reunion had been stilted and awkward. In the months away they'd both changed and that had made it hard to reconnect with each other. Finally after a few days of dealing with the distance Robin had invited her to Granny's after closing hours, and they'd raided the liquor supply together. A shot of tequila for a shot of honesty. Regina was able to reveal that college had been lonelier than she expected and Robin was able to admit that he still felt lost over what to do next with his life. T&T was their solution for whenever they felt one another drifting away. They'd done it many times since that night in the diner – the last time being four years ago, when Robin had first discovered Marian's cancer – and it had never failed to bridge the gap between them. He couldn't think of anything better to help them overcome the pressure of the night ahead.

Half a minute later they were sitting at the kitchen table, a shot glass in both of their hands and a bottle of tequila in between them.

Regina slid the bottle his way. "Youngest always drinks first," she smugly reminded him.

He rolled his eyes as he filled up his shot glass. Ever since they were kids she'd always gloated about how she was four months older than he was. Once he was finished the questioning began.

"Why don't we start with something easy?" she said. She took a breath before confidently asking, "How are you feeling?"

Robin immediately downed his tequila, grimacing as he felt it burn its way down his throat. "Nervous," he admitted.

"Okay," she said, nodding her head and not pressing him further. She grabbed the bottle and started pouring herself a shot. "Your turn."

"Alright," he replied. "How are you feeling, honestly?" he parroted.

She took a deep breath before tilting back her head and pouring the tequila down her mouth. She groaned when she felt the sting of the alcohol hit her insides.

"Like I'll be calling into work tomorrow," she joked. When Robin gave her a stern look she softly add, "And I feel even more nervous than you probably."

"Fair enough," Robin said solemnly, pulling the bottle over to him once again.

Regina paused for a moment while Robin poured himself another shot, silently thinking over what she wanted to ask him next. By the time he was done she'd finally settled on a question.

Seriously looking over at him she asked, "Are you worried at all about how tonight will affect our friendship?"

Robin took a second to think over his answer before taking his shot, and setting the glass down the table with a firm clink. "Not at all," he said confidently.

"Really?" pressed Regina.

"Really," he replied, with a nod of his head. "I'll admit that I'm nervous about how tonight might go and the thought did cross my mind about how this could change things for us. But even when I think over all the worst, most unlikely scenarios none of them include losing you as a friend. No matter what happens tonight I need you in my life and I'm gonna make sure that doesn't change. So no, I'm not worried about the future of our friendship."

Regina let out a soft, relieved breath as she nodded her head. "Good."

Hearing Robin's thoughts on the matter had calmed her own. He was right. They were two mature adults, far too close to let anything that happened in that bedroom tear them away from each other. No matter what they'd find a way to handle it.

She started to pour herself another shot of tequila. "My turn," she mumbled.

Robin pressed his lips together thinking of a decent question to ask her. Finally, he settled on one he thought was deep enough but still easy to answer.

"Is there anything specific that you're worried about for tonight?"

Regina's mind flashed back to the half hour she'd spend examining herself in her mirror. A blush rose in her cheeks, partly due to the tequila and partly due to the embarrassment she could feel crashing over her body. She squared her shoulders before drinking her shot, willing it's harsh sting to fill her with courage before she spoke.

"I am worried… about my body," she admitted, unable to look him in the eye. "I'm worried… that you won't like it."

God, it sounded even more pathetic when she said it aloud.

"Are you serious?" Robin asked. The tone of his voice was incredulous as he questioned her with narrowed eyes but she only responded with an embarrassed half shrug.

She couldn't help but feel a little humiliated at her own self-consciousness. And it was only because she knew if it had been anyone else she wouldn't have given a damn what they thought. But it was Robin and that meant something to her. Before this morning, she couldn't have cared less what he thought but for tonight his opinions on her body mattered. And it was a fact that very much annoyed her.

At her silence, Robin leaned forward seriously looking her in the eye.

"Regina I promise you that you have an amazing body," he said earnestly, only a hint of embarrassment in his tone. He'd known it since they were teenagers but never thought he'd have to say it aloud to her.

She rolled her eyes and scoffed at him. "Robin…"

"I'm serious," he insisted. "You have nothing to be worried about in that department. You should see the looks you get when you stop by the firehouse for me. I practically have to hold the guys back with a leash."

She snorted at that and gave her head a little shake. "I know," she said. "And normally I wouldn't be this self-conscious but it's just… because it's you. What you think matters to me and I know that in any other case you wouldn't… be with me in this way so I've been a little worried about whether or not you could be attracted to me… at all."

Robin was a silent for a few seconds as he thought over all she'd revealed to him. In a way he understood her apprehension. If she'd never seen him that way of course she'd expect the same from him. But honestly, her thoughts couldn't be further from the truth.

"Well, we are playing T&T," he said, boldly pouring himself another shot and leaning back in his chair. "Why don't you just ask me?"

Regina stared him down, with a tiny smirk pulling on the edge of her lips. "Okay… have you ever been attracted to me? And if so, when?"

It was two questions in one, which wasn't technically fair but after how honest she'd just been he was more than willing to indulge her. He steeled himself a bit before taking his third shot. He set down his glass on the table, letting clink once more as he forced himself to look straight into her eyes and admit, "Yes, I've been attracted to you before."

He saw a flash of surprise go across her eyes, before a suspicious smile appeared on her face. "Really?"

"Yes," he gently hissed, with a nod of his head. "It was the summer before junior year in high school and the other boys in town had started to notice… you."

Regina scoffed. Given the way he was gesturing toward his chest area she doubted it was really her the boys were noticing.

"And… I didn't really get it," Robin said with a shrug of his shoulders. "You were my best friend. I never really saw you that way but… there was this one day that we went swimming at your house. And you were wearing this black string bikini, and your skin was all tan and your hair was curly from the water and it just made me think… well now I get it."

The alcohol was starting to hit him now. He could feel it's warmth seeping into his muscles, relaxing him as it settled into his belly. He was grateful for it. It was keeping his minimal embarrassment at bay.

"For a moment… it was like you transformed before my eyes," he softly confessed. He paused for a moment before sitting up in his chair and clearing his throat. "But then we went inside and you slipped on the tile floor, landed on your ass and I was brought right back to earth."

He snickered as she let out an offended squeak and smacking him on the arm.

"You such an asshole!" she laughed, remembering the day he'd spoken of. "That hurt!"

"It was funny," he insisted, through his own chuckles. "And it was good. It reminded me of who you were. That even with all the curves you were still my just best friend. Not some curvy angel sent from the heavens to seduce me."

"Well that's very sweet," she said, rolling her eyes despite the sincerity of her words. She paused for a moment. "You're still an asshole for laughing at me!"

"You fell so hard and so quick it was hilarious," he said, still grinning at the memory. He sighed before looking over to her. "So what about you? Have you ever been attracted to me?"

Regina playfully groaned and threw her head back. It was her turn now. She quickly downed another shot of tequila – already feeling the heady effects of the first two – before nodding her head at him.

"Yes, I've been attracted to you before," she easily admitted. "All through high school all the girls were calling you this huge dreamboat and I just couldn't see it. You were Robin, my skinny best friend, the boy who played tea party with his sister until he was 10. I seriously thought they were all blind. To me you were just Robin and it was hard to see you any other way."

"This all super flattering," Robin sarcastically remarked with a smirk.

"But…" she drawled, admonishing his interruption with a sloppy wag of her finger. "Then I came back from college and saw you. And… you'd changed."

She said it with a simple shrug of her shoulders but she still remembered the subtle reaction she'd had to Robin when she'd came home from college. The flicker of surprise that had passed through her when she'd seen him for the first time in months.

"You'd been working with that construction crew all semester so your man muscles had started to come in and you'd were growing the stubble for the first time," she giggled as she gestured toward his chin, where he still kept a healthy amount of facial hair. "I don't know, I saw you and it was like a switch went off. I thought… goddamn it, he really is hot! Those bitches weren't blind, I was!"

Robin burst into laughter then and she quickly joined him.

"I felt like an idiot," she said, still laughing a little. She shrugged. "But after a while, the surprise faded and you were still you. You were just hot now."

"Good to know," he said, regaining control of himself after the laughter. He reached for the tequila once again. "Alright, it's your turn. Ask me something."

"Okay," she drawled, rolling her head to the ceiling trying to think of something work asking. She went with, "Have you told anyone what we're doing tonight?"

"No," he immediately answered, before taking his shot. He might've told Will and Emma about the plans for the baby but he hadn't told either of them about their plans to conceive naturally. It was one thing he didn't want their opinions on.

"Good," she said firmly. "I think for now it's best we keep this part to ourselves."

"Agreed," he replied. He paused for a second, internally debating whether or not to ask her a question that had been weighing on his mind for the past few days. He sat up straight in his chair and said, "Okay I have a question and it's kind of personal."

"It's T&T," she reminded him, her words slurring just the tiniest bit. "No holding back."

"Okay," he said, swallowing nervously before speaking again. "Am I the first person you've been with since Daniel?"

She went still at that and for a moment Robin wondered if maybe he'd overstepped. He saw her mentally arguing with herself over whether or not she wanted to answer him. In the end she steeled herself, downed another shot of tequila and shook her head. "No."

Even though it had been five years since Daniel's death Robin still found himself surprised by her answer. "No?"

"No," she repeated. She paused and took a breath continuing. "I've had two… incidents… since Daniel."

He gestured for her to elaborate and she did.

"About two years after I moved back to town I entered into… an arrangement…with Graham."

Robin's head reared back in confusion and surprise. "Graham? Wait, Graham Hubert? As in sheriff Graham?!"

"Yes and shut up!" she ordered, pointing a warning finger in his direction.

But Robin still couldn't hide his disbelief as he stared at her with wide eyes. "Cries when he goes hunting Graham?"

She groaned and rolled her eyes. "For god's sake, he was 12 when that happened Robin!"

"It's still worth mentioning!" he said with a chuckle. She started to glare at him and he tried to rein in his surprise. "But seriously, you guys had a thing?"

"Yes," she sighed, reminiscing in boredom. "I needed to go over some evidence for a case, we met up and… things just happened. And then they kept happening. It wasn't like we were dating though," she quickly assured him. "It was just…"

"Booty calls?" Robin plainly supplied.

She glared at him in annoyance. "I wouldn't put it that indelicately but yes. Anyway, it lasted a few months until he moved for that new job in Boston. And I haven't been with another man since."

Robin tilted his head in confusion. "I thought you said there was two incidents?"

"There were but Graham was the only other man I'd been with," she stressed. She sighed before continuing. "A few weeks after I started my job Mal and I had… a moment."

Robin leaned forward in his seat. "A moment?"

Regina let out a soft moan before quickly continuing. "There was no sex… but there was light hand play."

Robin's jaw dropped as his eyes widened. "At the office?"

"No!" she immediately refuted. "It was here, after a few glasses of wine. It was practically over before it even started. We've never even talked about it since."

"Wow," breathed Robin, settling back into his chair. "I can't believe you never told me any of this."

Regina shrugged her shoulders in an "I don't know" gesture. "Robin, it wasn't like I was hiding any of it. I just…" She paused and took a breath. "It was private. And they… weren't what I had with Daniel but they made me feel good. They were what I needed at those moments."

Robin nodded his head but stayed silent for a moment. "I hope you know I'm not judging you," he said softly but sincerely. "I just wish you had talked to me about it."

"I know," said Regina, nodding her head in agreement. She understood what he meant. And honestly, there had been moments after both of those encounters where she'd wanted to talk to him at the time she'd barely been able to wrap her head around what happened with Mal. And the entire time she was with Graham Marian had been sick and she hadn't wanted to distract him with something so frivolous. In the end so much time had passed and neither encounter seemed important enough to bring up.

She tilted her head toward him. "What about you? Will I be the first person you've been with since Marian?"

Robin apprehensively licked his lips before swallowing another shot of tequila. "Yes, you will be," he softly admitted, to Regina's complete lack of surprise. "And to be perfectly honest, that fact makes me… a little nervous." His gaze dropped down to his shot glass. "I'm afraid I might be… a little out of practice."

Regina gave her head a slow nod as she stared at him from across the table. After a moment she pursed her lips and in low voice she said, "I'll be the judge of that."

He looked up at her and everything went still as they locked eyes. Her heart pounded in her chest as she stood from her chair and slowly walked over to his side of the table. She nervously bit her lips as she stared down at him, taking a deep breath.

"We can go slow," she promised softly. "Take it step by step."

She let her hand fall over his, searching his face for any sign of discomfort. There was none. He softly squeezed her hand and nodded his head. "Okay."

"Good," she whispered, smiling down at him. With a little hesitation she slowly lowered herself into his lap until she was seated with the side of her body against his torso, holding her breath as she cautiously laid her arm around his shoulder. Her face was only a few inches from his when she quietly asked, "Is this good for now?"

He nodded, whispering, "Yeah that's fine."

She lets out her breath then and takes a moment, letting them both get comfortable with their new intimate proximity. She sees him swallow hard and press his lips together before carefully bringing his hand to rest over her thigh. A small jolt of electricity runs through her at his touch but she tries to keep a straight face for him.

"Are you comfortable with this?" he asks, a timid look in his eye.

"Yes," she says, nodding her head. "I promise I'll let you know when I'm not."

She sees a flash of relief pass behind his blue eyes as he whispers, "Good."

She stares down at his face, positively transfixed by the moment. Their eyes remained locked on each other as the air between them grows electric in the silence. A bomb could go off ten feet from them she doubts she'd even turn her head in its direction. She swallows thickly once she sees his eyes drop down to her lips, knowing he's feeling the same pull that she is. Her heart pounds in her chest as he leans forward, unsure with every inch he moves. She helps him along, closing the space between them until his lips are finally against hers. He kisses her gently at first, making it clear that she can back out at any time but she doesn't want to and she lets him know it, allowing herself to melt into the kiss. She can still taste the tequila on his lips but she doesn't mind it. In fact she's grateful for it. With alcohol pulling at the edges of her mind she can't overthink this moment – it's purpose or it's potential – all she can do is feel.

A sensual moan erupts from the back of her throat, just the signal Robin needs to no longer hold back. His fingers slip from her thigh up to her waist pulling her closer, sparking goosebumps across her skin as they go. She subtly runs her tongue against his bottom lip until he allows her entrance into his mouth, the scent of his cologne only heightening her desire as she breathes him in. His hands are rough with callouses from his work but they make every touch tantalizing as they slowly move from her waist to under her shirt to making contact with her bare skin. Her breath catches in her throat as this new sudden sensation but it only makes her want him more. She can feel heat begin to pool between her thighs as he continues to pull her closer. It's as if she can't get enough of him. The feeling of his hands against her skin, the taste of his tongue – all she wants is more. And she's not gonna get it on this kitchen chair.

She pulls back from him, breaking their kiss, to quickly ask, "Bedroom?"

He nods and she's off his lap then, pulling his hand, guiding him out of the kitchen and toward her room. Now that they've separated the gears in her brain creak back into action. Her and Robin. She can't believe this is happening. She can't believe it feels this good.

They're in her room within seconds and his lips are back to hers, hungry with desire as his tongue slips back into her mouth. His hands slip up to her back pulling her closer, pressing her chest into his. For a while all they do is kiss, taking a moment to simply enjoy the feeling of their bodies close together and their lips against each other and she can't complain – Robin is an excellent kisser – but it's not long before desire builds up and again she wants more.

Her hands slide down from his shoulders and slowly make their way to tug on the top button of his shirt. "Is this okay?" she mumbled against his lips.

"Yes," he immediately hisses, before bringing her lips back to his. She gets to work then. With nimble fingers she slowly undoes every button, sure to let her fingers drag along the skin beneath as she goes, not once breaking their kiss as she works. When she gets to the last one she quickly shoves the shirt off his shoulders, slips it from his arms and lets it drop carelessly to the floor. She pulls back from him then, wanting to take him in and… "oh wow," she breathes.

She hadn't seen Robin shirtless in years and she had to say his torso was a thing of beauty. She hungrily ran her eyes down over his abs, their definition catching her off guard. Robin watched her reaction with a husky chuckle. "I guess I'll take that as a compliment."

"You definitely should," she replies, leaning in to kiss him again, running the tips of her fingers down his chest as she did. She always knew Robin was in good shape but it's another thing entirely to be able to feel the definition and rock-hardness of his abs against her hands. She lightly rakes her nails down his chest and to his stomach, not enough to hurt but enough to make his muscles tighten with anticipation. He groans into their kiss and his hands slip under the hem of her shirt once again, sending shivers down her spine with his teasing touches. She wishes he'd take it off himself but knows he wouldn't. Not tonight. She reaches down for the hem of her shirt, pulling it over her head in instant. Once it's gone, Robin's eyes immediately fall down to her chest and she mentally thanks herself for taking that afternoon trip to Victoria's Secret over the weekend. She sees a fire light in his eyes. The black lace was clearly doing its job.

"I'm starting to see what made all the high school boys so crazy," he joked.

She rolled her eyes with a chuckle. "Nice to know I've still got it."

He steps closer to her, dropping his hands to her waist, pulling her into him. "Seriously Regina," he says breathily, "you look… incredibly sexy right now." He reached up to run his fingers through her hair, releasing her ponytail and letting it all fall down to her shoulders. "Positively stunning."

In that moment all her self-consciousness evaporates as she stares him in eyes, listening to him praise her body. But she doesn't want to talk right now. She wants to feel. His arm tightens around her waist against, pressing them closer together and she brings her lips back up to his, relishing in the feeling of them against her own. They take their time, slowly and languidly drinking each other in. He runs his hands down her back and she enjoys the feeling of his palms against her skin. Suddenly she feels the back of her knees hitting the mattress on her bed. It surprises her, she didn't even realize they'd been moving away from the door.

Their lips part then and her hands slip down from her shoulders to the edge of his jeans, her fingers running along the circle of his waist and until they meet right above his belt buckle. Robin can take a hint. He removes his hands from her back and undoes his belt, letting his pants drop down to the floor. She follows his lead, slipping out of her yoga pants she climbs onto the bed and gestures for him to join her which he does, happily climbing on top of her. His eyes lock onto hers and for a moment everything in the world goes still. She smiles up at him, caressing his arms as he holds himself above her. It feels good, having his weight on top of her. He runs his thumb along her jaw and smiles back, before leaning down to kiss her.

Neither of them was inexperienced with sex. They'd both made love and they'd both been fucked. And they both knew the difference well enough to know that what they were doing didn't fall into either category. It certainly wasn't clinical liked they'd planned but it also wasn't tender or emotional like making love. Nor was it passionate or desperate like fucking. It was, in the best definition, exploration.

Every moment, every touch was a new discovery and they relished in it far more than they thought they would. They'd been friends for too long to never have thought about this moment. So many scenarios of how it could happen and how it could feel had entered their heads over the years. And now that it was finally here neither of them wanted to leave any mysteries unsolved.

Regina savored the feeling of Robin's hands running up the back of her thighs, the rough callouses of his palms a pleasant surprise. Robin's heart raced at the soft moans he could hear every time he pressed his lips against her neck. She sounded breathier than he'd imagined but oh so enticing against his ear.

Every move was a mixture of hesitation and encouragement. Baby or not, Robin wanted there to be no regrets for tonight. Each step he took he paused, silently waiting for her permission which she eagerly gave. As his tongue continued to explore her mouth, he ran his hand up her thigh, past her hip to the top hem of her satin panties. Just barely slipping the tip of his thumb underneath the elastic, he softly caressed the skin that resided there until her hand joined his, tugging on the edge until he got the memo and slid them down her legs.

Regina let out deep heaving breaths as Robin pulled his lips from hers and started kissing his way over to her ear. His left hand was slowly trailing down her stomach when she heard him whisper, "Are you sure?"

She took another deep breath before pressing her forehead against his and softly hissing, "Yes."

This was happening.

Robin's hand continued its daring journey across her skin, tracing a line around her navel and ending between her legs. Regina's chest was heaving as he settled his hand on her inner thigh, drawing lazy circles so close to where she most yearned for his touch. She sucked in a deep breath when she felt him finally feel her.

Robin groaned into her neck as he felt her, hot and slick against his finger. God, she was wet for him.

Involuntarily, Regina drew her legs further apart, wanting him to have as much access as possible as he teased her entrance with his finger. Her hands moved to grips his shoulders and pull his body closer to hers. She needed more of him.

Once he was sure she was ready, he pulled his hand from between her thighs and she lamented its loss until she felt the tip of his cock in its place. She let out a desperate moan at its presence. Every inch of her was tingling with need as he ran the head against her, hissing as he tested her yet again. Letting out a deep breath he pushed inside of her. Using every bit of restraint he had he forced himself to pause after the tip. She felt like a dream around him. Tight and hot. He never imagined she could feel this good.

A deep moan flew from Regina's throat as when she finally felt him inside of her. He paused and she ran her hands down his back to just above his hips so she could pull him closer, force him deeper. She wanted more and he gave it to her, bringing his lips back against hers and slipping his tongue into her mouth before going deeper inside of her.

Regina groaned in pleasure as her inner walls stretched, welcoming him inside of her. God, she hadn't felt anything close to this in years. Their lips finally broke apart as they let out simultaneous gasps when Robin finally seated himself to the hilt inside of her. Regina brought one of her legs up around his waist. He was so deep inside of her it was incredible. Not missing a beat Robin turned his attention back to sucking at the rapidly beating pulse point on her neck while his hands drifted down to her hips, gripping them as tightly as he started to rock his hips against hers.

Each just of his hips knocked a moan from her lips. He kept his rhythm even and steady, sometimes surprising her by switching up the depth of his strokes. Regina wrapped both her legs around his waist, bringing him closer as the heat rose between their bodies. The only thing to be heard in the room was the harmony of their breathy moans and groans. It wasn't long before Regina started to feel it. That hot tension stirring up right under her belly, coiling tighter and tighter the more their hips knocked against each other. Her moans grew higher in pitch and Robin pulled her hands from his body trapping them above her head and lacing his fingers through hers while his hips picked up a frantic pace.

When he slowed to give her three forceful thrusts the tension inside her finally burst. Everything in her clenched as the waves of pleasure came crashing over her. She gritted her teeth and clutched at his hands, feeling every nerve in her body fire off at the same time she gasped his name as he groaned hers. She could feel him pulsing inside of her as he reached the same climax that she had, hear him panting into her ear as he came.

He finally released her hands – not that she could move them- and pressed a deep kiss to her lips before slipping from inside her. They were both still panting as he flipped over to lay next to her. Not a word was said as they laid next to each other slowly coming down from their high.

As usual Regina was the first to break the silence.

"Well…" she breathed, "You're clearly not out of my practice."

His lips pulled into a smile and let out a breathless chuckle. "Oh wow," he drawled. "That was… better than expected."

She turned on her side to better face him. "Glad I could put your mind at ease," she whispered, with a devious grin.

"I promise you that's not the only part of me at ease," he replied, a playful hint in his tone. He took another deep breath before turning over to face her. "So… how are you feeling?"

"Good," she softly chuckled, before turning a bit more serious. "Optimistic. Hopeful." A bright smile appeared on her face. "I mean… I could be getting pregnant right now if we're lucky."

"I know," he said softly, thinking it over in his head. In the heat of the moment he'd nearly forgotten the purpose of this whole endeavor. Warmth spread through his chest when he thought of how it would feel when they finally discovered that she was pregnant. God, he couldn't wait.

He saw Regina's eyes drift over to his shoulder with a frown. She brought her hand up to trace the three small angry scars that resided on the top of his right shoulder.

"I almost forgot about these," she whispered.

Robin frowned as she lightly ran her fingers over them. The scars were a souvenir from the accident that had killed his parents when he was a child. One of the few things he had to remember them by. At the mention of them, he saw the accident flash behind his eyes but quickly brought himself back to moment at hand. He was riding a high and didn't want to bring himself down. He pulled her hand from his shoulder and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

"Thank you, Regina," he said, solemnly.

She knitted her eyebrows together, thrown off by his sudden solemnity. "For what?" she asked.

"For this," he said, gesturing between them. "For tonight." He sighed before continuing. "Ever since Marian I've, sort of, been dreading the moment I'd choose to be with someone else like this. I kept putting it off because thought it would be sad, or that it would feel wrong. After tonight… I don't feel that way anymore. Now that it's happened I don't feel sad, or wrong. I feel… good. And I think that's because it was with you… for the baby."

He paused, taking a moment to see her reaction. "Does that make sense? Is it weird that I've brought it up?"

She shook her head at him. "No it's not. I know exactly what you mean."

And she did. After losing Daniel the thought of being with someone in the way she'd been with him had seemed… reprehensible. As though she was disrespecting him or belittling what they had together. But when it finally happened, that night with Mal, it hadn't felt like either of those things. It had felt good to be kissed and touched. It felt good to realize that those parts of herself – the need to feel desired, to be touched and loved – hadn't died along with him. And she was glad she'd been there to help Robin rediscover that part of himself as well.

Tonight, had been wonderful. Almost too much so. She loved Robin but only as a friend and she wanted it to stay that way. That being said…

She adjusted her body so she could lean her head against her elbow. "Robin… I think we need to set some rules."

He raised his eyebrows at her. "Rules?"

"Yes," she said, "Just to make sure that neither one of us makes this into something that it isn't."

Robin propped himself up onto his elbow as well. "What did you have in mind?"

"Okay," she drawled, thinking to herself on just where to draw the lines in the sand. "For one, I think it's important we stop this the minute we know that I'm pregnant. We don't drag it out or continue it."

Robin nodded his head. "I can get behind that. We're only having sex for the baby anyway. It makes sense to stop once it's here."

"Right," she said. "Two, I don't think it's good for us to stay over at each other's places after sex."

"Why?" asked Robin, clearly confused. "It's not like I haven't spent the night on your couch before."

"I know," she said, "but the more you stay over regularly the more people are going to talk. Rumors will get started. We said we were going to keep this to ourselves and I don't want anyone sticking their nose in our business because I'm always coming out of your house in yesterday's wrinkled clothes."

"Yes, because me leaving your place at 1am every night is just so inconspicuous," he replied sarcastically. She sent him a warning look and he let out a defeated sigh. "Fine, no sleepovers."

"Thank you," she said, with a smug smile. "And rule number three, we only do this when I'm ovulating. 3 days at the beginning of my cycle. That's it."

Robin thought it over and reluctantly nodded his head. "That's a very limited window but I can see how it makes sense."

Regina bit her lip as she stared up at him. "Are you okay with these rules?"

"I am," he promised, confidently. "Like you said they're necessary. And like I said in the kitchen, you're my best friend and I don't intend to lose you. So if this is what you need to feel comfortable then I am 100 percent on board."

She smiled up at him. "Thank you."

"However," he said raising a finger, "I do have a question."

"Hmm?"

"Even though we've already had sex we are still technically in the ovulation window. Do the rules prohibit repeats?" he said, grinning down at her lecherously.

She playfully tilted her head back and forth. "Statistically speaking a little repetition couldn't hurt our chances," she mused, pursing her lips. "I'll say it's allowed."

A happy giggle flew from her throat as Robin climbed on top of her for the second time that night, chuckling along with her before pressing sensual kisses to the side of her neck. While it was true that same night repeats might improve their odds she ignored the little voice in her head telling her that it wasn't the real reason she'd allowed him to stay. The same voice that was screaming that despite the fact that she'd just carefully laid out rules to prevent this exact occurrence, the reason she'd let him stay was because she wasn't ready for him to leave.

#sunny side up #outlaw queen #oq #regina mills #robin hood #oq ff #outlaw queen fanfiction #smores

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gingerbaby79 · 8 years ago

Text

What. Is. HAPPENING?

November 29

So long story short, my cycle this month has been ...off. Without boring anyone with too many details, I am now faced with a choice: wait this out for another month and see what happens, or take a pregnancy test.

My history with pregnancy tests is decidedly NOT GOOD. For the 7+ years we were trying to have kids, pregnancy tests were my kryptonite. All month would build up with "maybe this time" thoughts and hopes, only to be crushed by that definitive negative symbol on that cursed white plastic stick.

So yesterday when I talked with my doctor on the phone to discuss my current symptoms (that I was SURE were signs of endometrial cancer) and she suggested that I take a pregnancy test, I panicked. She's going the logical, medical route. Are you using any contraceptives? Haha...that's hilarious and of course not because why would we? Almost ten years of specialists and medication and surgeries and injections never produced a positive pregnancy test. So, you can understand why my thoughts go to a more... negative outcome: endometrial cancer.

It wouldn't be that far-fetched an idea. As I said to my doctor, my track record for a "normal" outcomes of medical issues is not great. My first mammogram resulted in breast cancer, surgeries and radiation. Plus I have a lot of the risk factors for endometrial cancer. While I had considered the possibility of pregnancy, I also ruled it out because cancer just seems more likely.

I know, that sounds really defeatist and probably overly dramatic, but I promise you it's not. If you knew all the details of my medical history, you'd be like, yeah, she's not crazy, she's just being completely logical based on past events. I promise that's exactly what you would think.

So while taking a pregnancy test seems like no big deal to you, it's a huge deal to me. I've found peace in the last 4 or so years in the life my husband and I have made. And it took me a LONG time to get to where I am now, accepting life as it is and not as I wish it would be. That pregnancy test would be like dipping a toe back into the ocean of despair I nearly drown in.

Update 12/2/16

I took the pregnancy tests. Both were positive. And then, because I couldn't believe the result, I asked for a blood test. Also positive. So later this morning I will go for a second blood test to see if the hormone levels are increasing (meaning this might actually be a real thing), or if they're dropping and I'll have a miscarriage (which, to be honest, is the result I'm banking on because this whole thing cannot possibly be real.)

What a mindfuck. I didn't tell Dan until after the second blood test results came back. I didn't see the point since I was (and still am) sure this is going to end in nothing. I mean, there's a tiny part of me that runs ahead planning for what might be an actual pregnancy and child, but it's a very small part and I have to keep telling it to SHUT UP BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A GOOD TRACK RECORD WITH THINGS GOING NORMALLY, ESPECIALLY IN THE REPRODUCTIVE DEPARTMENT. I call her Linda, that annoyingly fake-positive voice that keeps imagining scenarios in which I get to tell my family that I'm pregnant SHUT UP LINDA, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR INNANE STORIES THAT NEVER HAPPENED. God, Linda's the worst.

12/5/16

The third blood test showed more elevated Hcg levels so it looks like this is going to be a thing for awhile. Stopping some medications and getting on a more folic acid-friendly vitamin.

No more wine, I guess. And how I'll keep family from asking questions about that remains to be seen.

Dan and I are still reeling from this. None of it seems real, and we're both of the mindset that we shouldn't get excited about anything because we're both waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know, the one where everything goes to shit. We're waiting for it because that's always been our experience in these kinds of things. Want to have kids? Try for 7 years with no success and find out you have multiple reproductive disorders. Find a lump in your breast? It's probably a cyst since you have no family history of breast cancer and you're young. Nope, it's cancer.

So we're waiting for this to be another in a long line of disappointments. If it doesn't turn out that way, it will be a miracle.

Still actively stuffing a sock in Linda's face hole when she pipes up too much about the possibilities and exciting nature of this.

12/10/16

Thursday we had an ultrasound. There is an actual...zygote? Embryo? Whatever. There was even a flicker of a heartbeat. It was surreal and not something I thought I'd ever experience in my life. I sobbed while the technician had the ultrasound wand shoved up my vagina, which I'm sure she appreciated. Then we (just me and Dan, not the ultrasound lady) went out to dinner to celebrate because, even if this all goes to shit, we had this one moment of joy and wonder that we never thought we'd have.

I'm just over 6 weeks according to the ultrasound, although the date of my last period would put me closer to 7. I probably ovulated late. I'm amazed that I ovulated at all.

It's really hard to contain my anticipation. Despite my better judgement, I signed up for the BabyCenter app thing. Every time I do or think anything that assumes I will have this baby, I immediately feel anxious because I feel like I'm tempting fate to rip the rug out from under us.

For now it's just waiting and hoping. More blood tests and ultrasounds next week.

12/14/16

I keep having dreams where I'm bleeding, which of course is because I'm afraid of miscarriage.

All my blood tests come back normal. So far things seem "fine", but because everything is happening in the dark and there's no way to know, without medical intervention, whether things are progressing well. My ultrasound came back "normal" except I apparently have a uterine fibroid (not great) and some kind of fancy-worded bleed (also not great).

The baby's heart beat was within the normal range, although we didn't get to hear it, and it's at least in the right place (the uterus) and not ectopic or something.

I haven't actually bled at all since what they think was the implantation bleeding, so i guess that's good news. I just keep expecting it to all go to shit at any second. Which, in my experience, is completely possible.

I have to remain hopeful. Being stressed about it definitely doesn't help anything, so I'll keep trying to distract myself so I don't think about it too much.

12/15/16

Today I'm 7 weeks...I think. I have another ultrasound scheduled for this coming Monday, which hopefully will help me to feel more ...secure about things.

I keep thinking about what it would be like to be one of those women for whom pregnancy is just a fact of life. Women who just assume things will work out. I wonder if my sister was like that. She seemed that way. She had 4 kids no problem, and I wonder if people like her worry about everything going wrong of if they kind of just expect things to be normal because that's always been their experience.

The years of trying and failing month after month after month, and the breast cancer diagnosis, just ingrained in me that things just generally don't work out well for me. And while I know that's not, strictly speaking, true because I've also had many, many really lovely and good things happen in my life, I've learned to expect the worst.

12/27/16

It's our 13th anniversary today. We've been together for 15 years, married for 13, and just about 9 weeks pregnant. Assuming everything is progressing as normal in there, I would be due at the beginning of August 2017. I'll be almost 38.

I'll be starting progesterone today so that hopefully increases the chances of things going well and this whole thing actually running its course and increasing our family by one.

It's been a long time since I've trusted my body to do anything normally, so it's exceptionally hard for me to imagine that anything about this pregnancy might be viable. Even though I've had multiple blood tests, two ultrasounds, and no negative physical signs that things are taking a bad turn, I still don't really trust that my body is capable of incubating an actual, live, normal human being.

We told my parents and family on Christmas. I was planning to wait until the end of the 1st trimester since the odds of miscarriage decrease around week 13, but since I see my family so often, and since my mom wanted to play flag football on Christmas day, I realized that I wouldn't be able to keep it secret for much longer. Although the logical conclusion for my being super moody and bitchy and not drinking probably wouldn't be that I'm pregnant. They'd probably just have thought that super-bitch mode had clicked into gear and they'd just have to wait it out.

It was super fun to tell them though. In the last 10 years I've never really been able to share good news with them - just a slew of debbie downers of infertility and cancer. So being able to surprise them with something genuinely joyful was a fun experience. Even if none of this works out, it was still fun to share this one happy event with them.

It becomes increasingly difficult to keep Linda quiet. I find myself thinking about names, looking at cribs and baby carriers online, and imagining a life where we have an actual child that is half me and half him. Years ago I would daydream about these things with such desperation, but it's been a few years since I let those dreams go and focused on accepting the life we have and learned to be at peace with our quiet little family.

The reality is that anything could go wrong at any moment. We're hyper-aware of that fact, and it makes it hard to get too attached to the joy of what is happening. Experience has taught us that we need to proceed with caution, and I don't know at what point we'll be able to relax and enjoy this miracle. I'm trying to. I'm trying to just live in the present moment, being thankful for even just this part of what is happening - not counting on it continuing and not banking my happiness in everything working out.

12/28/16

I can sleep like a boss lately. Easily 10-12 hours a night, sometimes with a nap in the middle of the day. It's nice that I can. Not having to wake up at 5am every day has been one of my favorite parts of not working in a school anymore. Thank you god that the book shop doesn't open till 10am and I usually work in the afternoon anyway.

Dan crawled back into bed with me this morning around 8am to snuggle. God I love him. At some point I rolled to face him and said, if this does end with an actual baby, I think we should name it Murtaugh because we're too old for this shit. Funny and true.

I started taking progesterone last night, which hopefully will be a safety measure in keeping this pregnancy going. I really don't like this phase of being pregnant but not looking pregnant and not being able to feel anything happening inside me. Other than fatigue and nausea, there is no way to tell if anything is progressing in there, or if everything has stopped. If I could have an ultrasound twice a week, I would - just to appease my anxiety.

Because is the heart still beating strong? Who knows. Is my body actually doing what it's supposed to to support this little life? I DON'T KNOW. I have to believe that it is, but my body and I don't have the best track record. We have trust issues, to put it mildly.

Dan's busting ass around the house. It's like his nesting instinct has kicked in and he's moving furniture, clearing out closets, painting rooms... whereas I mainly nap and eat throughout the day. It doesn't feel quite fair not to help out, but the no lifting, no paint fumes makes it difficult to be of an real help.

12/29/16

I slept for 11 hours last night. And now it's 2:00pm and I feel like I could take a nap. Lately I have two main moods: Hungry and Tired. Sometimes alternating, but usually both at the same time. Tired also comes with his buddy Nausea, and they hang out with me quite a bit. The Bonnie and Clyde of this pregnancy, Tired and Nausea show up without warning and hold me up, guns blazing.

I'm not complaining. For years I would have given anything to feel as crappy as I do right now. I take it all as a good sign that I'm still actually pregnant. I actually start freaking out in the rare moments that I feel kind of normal.

One of the most annoying things about the last few months has been my stupid foggy brain. Simple things take me forever to decipher or explain, I have to be told things repeatedly and I can't remember things as clearly as I normally do. I understand it's a normal part of all this... pregnancy brain or whatever... but it's definitely one of the more frustrating effects.

12/30/16

It's almost New Year's - a holiday that's always seemed arbitrary and somewhat pointless to me, probably because I don't enjoy parties.

Years ago, when we were trying in fultility to have children, I would usually be glad to say goodbye to the passing year with all its failed pregnancy attempts, failed medical interventions, and months of the hope/depair cycle. And At some point on New Year's Eve, I would think to myself, maybe this NEXT year will be our year. It never was, at least not in the way I wanted it to be. But the truth was that EVERY year was our year; I just couldn't see it that way for a long, long time.

1/7/17

The dreams where I'm bleeding persist. I wake up sure that the dream was part truth and that miscarriage has begun, but nope, it's just my crazy brain living out my worst fears while I'm asleep. I guess we can rule out the possibility that I'm a prophetic dreamer.

I'm just over 10 weeks now. Our first OB appointment is this coming week. I'm nervous for it although I have no real reason to be. It's just that, in my experience, specialists are usually the ones to tell the really bad news. I've never gone to a medical specialist and heard "good" news. And I've been to a lot of specialists over the years.

I keep checking myself in the mirror to see if I look like I'm getting increasingly pregnant. I mostly just feel bloated, so chances are it's just gas.

1/9/17

It's been a strange day. I'm emotionally off-kilter, which accounts for the fact that I am sure that I'm not pregnant anymore. There is no factual basis for this feeling - I just believe that it has to be true. I think it's mainly because I'm terrified of our first OB appointment this Friday. I'm sure we're going to go in there and get devastating news - no heartbeat - and then ....

and then suffer the humiliation of failing at this as well.

And it would be humiliating. After having been so joyful in the miracle of all this, it would be a really difficult blow. It would be just another in a long list of failures that prove to me that life can be cruel and that I cannot trust my own body. Having to face my family and friends and tell them that, no, actually, this isn't going to be a thing, would be humiliating.

I am well practiced in the art of humiliation. I wear it like Hester Prynne wore her shameful letter. My letter is not visible, however, but it is burned into my soul for the remainder of my life, no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy is. My scars remind me to be humble because no matter what I want - no matter what I think should happen - what will be will be. And my desires have absolutely nothing to do with it.

But for all its pain and public shame, humiliation teaches humility. And I have been humbled more than many that I know, but I am grateful for those lessons, and that is how I know that no matter what happens, I will eventually be okay. WE will eventually be okay. Because we can survive anything.

But I am still terrified for Friday.

1/10/17

I need to spend time in contemplative meditation, focusing on the life that (I hope) is still growing inside me. I have to believe that this miracle is possible because I'm sure that the negative thought patterns and stress aren't going to be helpful to anyone and they run like background noise in my subconscious all day.

This inner conflict is exhausting, and as an Enneagram 9 it's my main weakness. I'm trying to maintain some semblance of inner peace, but it's really difficult when there is such emotional and mental upheaval. I think I have to actively cultivate and focus on what peace I can find or make, believing that there is still a chance that this will all work out.

1/16/17

The OB appointment went fine. The doctor is really good. Really kind. She used the sonogram (?) to find the heartbeat, which Dan said he could hear, but all I could hear was a flurry of thumping that was hard to distinguish. I think it was mostly just my own heart beating.

I have to go to another specialist since I'm of "advanced maternal age" (what a flattering term). We have that appointment tomorrow, morning and then an ultrasound in the afternoon. Part of that appointment will be genetic testing which we've decided to do since we'd rather know what's coming and be able to prepare for it.

1/18/17

It's starting to get exciting. We had two appointments yesterday. The first one was for genetic testing (all they had do is take my blood). That should tell is more definitively if things are normal or if there's any kind of developmental disorder (Downs, etc). Even though none of the disorders appear to run in our families, these tests will also tell if either of us is a carrier, which would make it possible for any child of ours to have serious genetic disorder. It will also tell us the gender, so we'll know in about two weeks if we're having a boy or girl. Yikes.

Then, in the afternoon, we had an ultrasound and there is an actual baby in there. We saw its little legs kicking and its jaw moving and we heard the heart beat. I don't know if everyone feels this way, but they didn't play the heart beat long enough. I could listen to it all day.

Also, it turns out that I'm a bit farther along than we previously thought and my due date is July 31st (Harry Potter's birthday!), so I'll be 13 weeks this Friday which means I'm nearly into the second trimester! I truly can't believe that we've made it this far. Just typing that feels a little like I'm tempting fate.

1/21/17

I'm currently sobbing because I decided (for the first time since we found out I'm pregnant) to get on Pinterest and look at baby nursery ideas. Specifically Harry Potter themed ideas. And now I'm sobbing because I can't believe this is real and because the first time I read Harry Potter was when I was 32 and undergoing cancer treatment after we'd tried unsuccessfully for years to have children.

And now I'm 37 and I'm crying uncontrollably because the wisdom in the Harry Potter books helped me through one of my darkest times and is now part of one of the most joyful times of my life and I CAN'T HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M HORMONAL.

Also, at our last appointment, our due date was solidified as July 31st. You know who else had a birthday on July 31st??? HARRY f-ing POTTER. This has to be a sign that this kid is going to be a wizard....or that I'M a witch. Please god let me be a witch.

1/25/17

I got a glucometer and have to check my blood sugar 4 times a day to see if I should keep taking the meds for PCOS that I've been taking, and I only just realized this morning that I shouldn't be pricking fingers on my left hand to get blood because of my lymphedema risk on my left side. Duh... I KNOW this information; I've lived with this knowledge for over 4 years and yet and it took me 3 days of taking blood from my left hand to remember it. This baby is really using up a lot of my brain cells.

2/21/17

So far, so good. Despite my irrational fears, everything is progressing normally. I have literally never said that phrase in reference to myself.

Also, I'll share a problem I'm having here. I really don't like all the attention I'm getting with this pregnancy. I mean, I guess it's great if you're the kind of person who likes being the center of attention, but I've never liked other people focusing on me and asking me questions and wanting to know things. I'm more of a background-type. Just let me quietly go about my business and I'll share stuff when I'm ready. It's just so much... pressure.

I mean, yes, this is happy news. Yes we're excited. But we're also always teetering on the edge of terrified. And not because we're scared of becoming parents (well, not only because of that). No, we're just too familiar with how quickly things can go wrong, and so while we're pissing our pants with excitement for something we never thought we'd have, we're also pissing our pants because we're half expecting the rug to be pulled out from underneath us at any moment. (In this instance, pissing your pants indicates both joy and fear.)

#pregnancy #surprise #announcement #infertility

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