#well no time like the present to start again

[liketolaugh-writes]

I've been playing with a no-one-knows AU where Danny has been married to Jason for years but hasn't told him his secret. Jason knows that Danny isn't human, but hasn't pressed because Danny is so terrified when he approaches the topic. The Batfamily do not know.

Presently, the GIW are in Gotham and closing in, and the Box Ghost has come to Danny seeking help.

----

“You’re a ghost,” Jason said gently, pulling one of Danny’s hands away from his face to wrap it in his own. Danny let him. “Aren’t you?”

Danny’s breath hitched again.

Surprisingly, the Box Ghost looked almost as horrified as Danny.

“What? NO! I, the BOX GHOST, would not out Danny Fenton to his human family! For he is as human as I once was!” He flailed his arms in blatant panic. “There is nothing to reveal, for Danny Fenton is most certainly NOT a ghost!”

“What’s wrong with Danny being a ghost?” Box Lunch wanted to know, tilting her head up to peer up at her father in confusion. “Is it a secret?”

“BOX LUNCH!” the Box Ghost wailed, every inch a mortified parent.

“Yes, it was, or your father would not be so blatantly lying about it,” Damian told her, taking pity on the child ghost.

“Oh!” Box Lunch nodded seriously. “Danny isn’t a ghost!”

Danny let out a slightly hysterical laugh, and then started to cry, gasping quietly with tears pouring down his face, hunched down to hide from them. He didn’t pull his hand out of Jason’s.

“It is no longer a secret here, as it has become apparent,” Damian elaborated.

Box Lunch scrunched up her nose. “Oh.”

“Ghosts are not bad,” Cass said softly, “if ghosts are Danny.”

“Danny.” Jason scooted closer and pulled Danny against him, and Danny let him, pressing into him without unwinding at all. “Danny, I already knew. I’ve known for years.” Danny tilted his head up to give him an incredulous look, and Jason grinned at him. “You’re not good at hiding it, stardust. Your freckles glow when you’re excited and your eyes flash green when you’re frustrated. You walk through closed doors when you’re sleepy and things fall through your hands when people startle you. I’ve known you aren’t human since we moved in together.”

“…Oh,” Danny murmured, guilt and relief and wonder swirling together in his still-wet eyes.

“Phantom!” the Box Ghost scolded. Jason took note of the sudden change in address. “You are the worst secret keeper ever!”

“Shut up, Boxy,” Danny snapped. He pulled away from Jason and wiped his eyes, sniffling. Their hands stayed locked together. “We, we need to hide you and bitty-bite b-before we talk about this any more. I wasn’t joking about the Guys in White.”

The Box Ghost flapped his arms dismissively. “They will not find us! They are looking for YOU, and their instruments will not be prepared for such subtle spirits as Box Lunch and I!”

“They are looking for me while I am hiding,” Danny said, soft but barbed. He wiped his face again and turned around to better face the other ghost, glaring sharply. “Something I am well known to be very good at. Far better at than you.”

The Box Ghost went so pale he was almost translucent.

“You don’t look like a ghost at all,” Tim said, studying Danny. “Your skin is pink, you don’t glow… most of the time, no pointed ears or fangs. Your eyes are normal.” His eyes narrowed. “Is this… not your natural appearance?”

Danny flinched. “I… I…” He swallowed, staring at nothing, and then forced his attention back onto the Box Ghost. “Your base signatures are pretty low. If you stop using your powers and suppress your auras as much as you can, you can probably bring them low enough to hide.”

No answers would be forthcoming for now, Jason understood. He signaled sharply to Bruce and Tim, the most likely to try to interrupt. Wait. Time-sensitive, finish operation before proceeding.

Bruce didn’t look pleased, but he nodded sharply. Tim just watched, thoughtful eyes fixed on Danny. Damian was scowling, Dick frowning faintly, but Cass’ curiosity looked borderline idle. Jason watched Danny interact with the other ghost with a healthy blend of interest and concern, and tried not to wonder if Tim was right.

“Box Lunch, do you know how to land?” Danny asked. It seemed like a silly question until Box Lunch wrinkled her nose and cocked her head.

“Land?” she asked, audibly uncertain. For that matter, her father looked vaguely baffled too. “Like… with my feet? On the floor?”

Danny managed a smile and nodded. Box Lunch eyed the floor, then drifted down to hover at floor level. “Like this?”

“Not exactly,” Danny said, sounding more fond than anything. He slid off the bar stool and knelt down in front of Box Lunch. Jason couldn’t look away; he’d been deprived of any open knowledge of Danny’s nonhuman side for so long that his curiosity was damn near insatiable now. And Danny teaching a kid of his species? That was doing things to Jason. Good things. “Close your eyes.” Box Lunch did. “Feel the energy in the air. Do you feel gravity? Do you sense how it pulls things down?” She nodded uncertainly. “Hold onto that feeling. Let it hold onto you. Do you feel it?” Nod. “Good. Now- let go of the sky.”

The instructions didn’t make a lick of sense to Jason, but Box Lunch dropped right out of the air and landed on her feet. Her eyes flew open, and she pinwheeled dramatically until Danny caught her.

“Ahh!” she squealed, looking dismayed. “I’m heavy!”

Danny chuckled. “No, bitty-bite, you’re still light as a feather.” He picked Box Lunch up and held her out in front of him, smiling. She squealed again, kicking her feet, her eyes bright with delight. “Good job. Do you think you can hold that?”

“Um, sure,” she mumbled, not looking at all sure.

The Box Ghost landed on the floor with a grunt - Jason suspected that he’d been listening to Danny’s instructions too. He held out his arms for Box Lunch, and Danny handed her over willingly.

“Now what?” the Box Ghost asked tentatively, staring at the floor like it would eat him. Yeah, Jason could definitely believe that he’d never landed before either.

“Now, you listen to me,” Danny said seriously. He reached out and grabbed Box Ghost’s arm, demanding his attention, and forced eye contact. From the Box Ghost’s wide eyes, this behavior was as new to him as it was to Jason. But then Danny continued, speaking as firmly as if he were willing his words into existence. “You are not a ghost. You are not a ghost.” Understanding flickered across the Box Ghost’s face, and he screwed his eyes shut. His glow started to dim. “You are solid. You are heavy. You are warm. You are made of flesh, blood, and bone. You are not a ghost. You are not a ghost. You are human.”

The Box Ghost’s glow receded and disappeared. Except for his blue skin, he almost looked human now. He opened his eyes uncertainly, and Danny gave him a weary smile and a nod, letting go of his arm and leaning back.

“But what about Box Lunch?” the Box Ghost asked anxiously, looking down at Box Lunch. She’d squeezed her eyes shut to try and follow Danny’s instructions, but didn’t seem to be meeting with the same success.

Danny sighed. “I’m not sure how to explain it to her,” he admitted, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair as he looked at the little girl with worry. She opened her eyes and gave him an anxious look, and Danny gave her a small smile. “It’s not your fault, bitty-bite. It’s just… you’ve always been a ghost, so you don’t have your dad’s memories of what it felt like to be human.”

Box Lunch stomped her feet. “I can pretend!”

“Then pretend,” Danny said seriously. “It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just do your best.”

“Wehh!” Box Lunch flailed her arms, brow furrowed in concentration. “I am human! My body is super solid and I crash into things a lot! And I run around on the ground and eat human food! Fear me!”

It was so cute that Jason muffled a laugh, and he wasn’t the only one. Box Lunch ran a circle around the floor, then crashed into a wall on purpose and bounced off, giggling. Even Bruce’s hard expression softened into a fond look.

“That should keep you off the sensors,” Danny said to the Box Ghost, voice low. Something about his eyes looked exhausted. “Just make sure Box Lunch maintains it. Maybe keep playing human with her.”

The Box Ghost nodded uncertainly. “Thank you, Phantom,” he said quietly. “I know that we can count on you.”

[y3sterdaysproblem]

smoke and mirrors - chris sturniolo

chapter two

summary: your best friend Matt backs out of plans you had made together, so you replace him with his brother. the only problem is the two of you can’t stand each other.

{enemies to lovers, fake dating}

includes : explicit language, fluff, smut(penetration, oral, fingering, etc.), angst if you squint, lots of bickering, slow burn

wc: 2.5k

-

part one

“Like this?”

“No! Like… move your hips over.”

“Chris, this feels wrong!”

“Yeah, because it’s you! Come on, just come here for the picture.”

You groan and scoot closer to Chris on the bed, slinging your leg over his hips. He was laid flat on his back and you were on your side facing him. You guys had agreed on pretending to be each others’ significant others for a short amount of time, and right now you were trying to get all the pictures you could. This was the third photo position you guys had gotten yourselves into, each one getting more intimate than the last. Your mindset was, the more pictures you took at once, the less you’d have to spend time together.

“Okay, take your picture,” you tell him, throwing your arm over his torso and looking up at him.

Chris looks down at you, your faces inches away from each other. “God, you’re so impatient. Don’t you just wanna cuddle like this for a minute?” He smirks a little before grabbing his phone with his left hand, placing his right hand on your bare thigh, snapping the picture like that.

“Okay, good. Now, uh… I don’t think you’re gonna like this next one,” Chris pushes your leg off of him and you sit up, peering down at him.

“Fuck you,” you say harshly. “What now?”

He smiles and pats his lap, and your jaw drops. “No,” you shake your head. “No way, I’m not getting on your lap.”

Chris groans. “I am not going to get hard at the thought of you on top of me if that’s what you’re worried about,” he promises.

“Yeah, well, you already think I’m hot so I don’t know,” you tell him, disgusted. “Can’t we do something else?”

Chris reaches out and pinches the back of your arm, clearly unamused. “Dude, I didn’t say I personally think you’re hot, I said you’re hotter than this chick. Big difference. Besides, I’m hot, too, and you know it, so come on, sit on daddy’s lap.”

You grimace at his word choice. “That just made me want to do it even less,” you say, but despite your words, you scoot closer until you’re next to him, then swing your leg over him and sit on his lap, your crotch sitting directly above his dick.

“See?” He smiles, reaching out to place a hand on your thigh again, even though the camera wasn’t out yet. “This isn’t so bad, right?”

You can’t help it when your throat goes dry at the feeling of his hand on your leg, and he was partially right. Matt was attractive, Nick was attractive, and unfortunately the short end of the stick with that reality was that Chris was also attractive, though you’d never say those words out loud.

You snap out of it quickly and grab your own phone to distract yourself, but Chris reaches up and grabs your phone out of your hands, putting it on the bed next to him. “Gotta look interested in me, baby,” he coos.

You groan and cross your arms, body shaking slightly as you did so, making Chris suck in a quiet breath. “Don’t call me baby, we’re not actually together.”

“Stop wiggling, yeah?” He asks you, hand on your thigh gripping tighter than it was before.

You raise your eyebrows at him, staring down with a clear attitude present on your face. “I thought you would be fine and not get hard.” You mocked him.

Chris meets your eyes. “I said I wouldn’t get hard at the thought of you but you keep moving around and I only have so much self control.”

You cringe, focusing your attention on your lower half where you no doubt start to feel the beginnings of an erection forming where your bodies met. “Can you hurry please?”

Chris picks his phone back up and opens his camera, but couldn’t resist the nasty comment that sat on his tongue, begging to be spoken. “Maybe I just wanna feel you a little longer.”

Your jaw drops, face heating up uncontrollably. “Chris!”

Chris rolls his eyes at your aggressive tone. “Just kidding, jeez. Here, put your hands here.” He pulls up the hoodie to make it look like he’s shirtless and then grabs your hands, placing them both on his stomach so you’re leaning over him, your cleavage peeking through the neckline of your shirt. With the angle change and your weight shifted onto your hands, part of you wanted to tease him, and you had no idea what was coming over you in the moment, probably just the fact that you hadn’t been in this position in so long and you were craving the attention and validation of a man, wanting to feel someone fall apart underneath you, but you quickly remind yourself who you’re dealing with when he speaks again. “Oh perfect,” he says, holding his phone up to take the picture. “That’s definitely going in my spank bank.”

“Ew, Chris!” You screech at him, smacking him on the head before standing up off the bed completely. “We’re done for right now, you’re insanely gross.”

Chris laughs at you and pulls his hoodie down, sitting up on the bed. He moved quickly, but you caught on to the quick dip of his hand in his sweatpants, clearly waistbanding his dick, but you don’t mention it and he sure as hell doesn’t either. “I’m just messing with you,” he says.

“Yeah well I’m over it,” you huff, crossing your arms again.

“Alright, get out of my room then,” Chris points to the door, and you happily oblige, leaving his room and heading up the stairs, making your way to Matt’s room where you find him sitting at his desk playing games and Nick laid on the bed playing on his phone.

Matt turns his head and smiles at you. “Hey, love. How’s being Chris’s girlfriend going?”

You groan loudly and drag your hands down your face. “Fucking terrible!” You cry. “He’s so pervy and gross and just awful to be around. I don’t know how you guys deal with him all day every day.”

Nick laughs in response. “We actually like him and he likes us.”

You shudder and grab the blankets from underneath your body, shimmying under them. “I’m taking a nap, hopefully that’ll cleanse me from the objectification I’ve endured.”

Both the boys laugh at you and go back to what they’re doing as you get comfortable and close your eyes.

Before you dozed off you found yourself wondering what things would be like if Chris wasn’t so annoying and how life would be if the two of you got along. Would you guys actually stand a chance at being in a relationship? Would either of you have feelings for each other that weren’t so negative? You’ve never thought about these possibilities before, and though it scared you slightly, you brushed it aside and let yourself drift off to sleep.

-

The four of you sat around the kitchen table later that night eating Italian food that Matt had gone and picked up, and the room was silent apart from the chewing noises that filled the air. You know the food is good if everyone is quiet you always say. But unfortunately, the sweet silence is interrupted by Chris clearing his throat and setting his fork down.

“So,” he starts, looking towards you. “I’m thinking we go on a date.”

You almost choke on your food, eyes widening. “What?!” You yell, mouth still full of food.

“Ew, swallow first. And yes, but not a real date, obviously. My idea is you can go to a fancy restaurant with Matt or something and he can take pictures of you looking all dressed up and just send them to me.” Chris suggests, and it’s not the worst idea in the world. Free dinner in a nice restaurant with your best friend? Sounds like a win win to you.

“You should’ve led with that, fuckface. Almost made me choke,” you tell him with furrowed eyebrows, wiping your mouth with your napkin.

“I typically do make women choke,” he replies with a smirk.

Everyone at the table groans in disgust at his dirty comment. “Too much,” Nick says loudly, waving his hands in the air.

Chris just laughs. “So is that a yes?”

You look at Matt and he shrugs his shoulders. “I’m fine with it,” he tells you, and you nod your head in agreement.

“Great!” Chris smiles, clapping his hands together. “I’ll make reservations for you guys and let you know when it is.”

You guys both nod and go back to eating your dinner.

After everyone was done eating, you guys migrated to the couch, where you ended up sandwiched between Matt and Chris, though Chris left a decent amount of space as opposed to Matt who sat nearly hip to hip with you.

“What are we watching?” You ask, grabbing a blanket off the back of the couch and throwing it over yours and Matt’s body.

“Get a room,” Chris grumbles, looking over at you and Matt snuggled up under the blanket.

You look towards him and smile. “If you wanna cuddle with me just say that,” you tease, kicking your feet up onto his lap.

He instantly shoves your legs off of him and scoots farther away from you. “Gross, get your feet off of me. You wish I wanted to cuddle with you, slut.”

Matt and Nick both whip their head up to look at Chris, and he immediately drops his head down towards his lap, knowing he fucked up. “Chris,” Matt spits. “Too fucking far, apologize or get the fuck out.”

“Matt, it’s fine,” you tell him, tucking your legs close to your body. Chris had never really gone that far, but you weren’t super surprised by the words he said, though it stung a little bit.

“No, it isn’t. I get you guys have your little arguments but that’s not okay,” Matt tells him again, voice as stern as the first time.

Chris sighs and picks his head back up, but only focuses on the tv in front of him, still not playing anything. “Sorry, didn’t mean to call you a slut.” He mumbles.

You just nod your head and look over at Nick and then look up at Matt. “Can we just put something on please?”

They agree and start scrolling through the streaming services, trying to find something to put on.

If you tried to think about it, you never really could pinpoint the exact moment you and Chris started acting like this, it just kind of became your guys’ normal. You’d all known each other since high school, and you clicked with Nick and Matt instantly, and you always thought Chris would come around, but he never did and your relationship never got any better. The more you hung around, the more hostile your relationship got, and the more you adapted.

It started as teasing, a “shut up” here, a “you’re so annoying” there, but as you guys continued to see each other, it just got meaner and meaner, and you’re so used to it now that you can’t imagine life without it, which is why it was so hard to imagine how he was going to act at this wedding when he had to pretend he didn’t hate you.

You guys ended up just putting on a movie you’d never seen, some chick flick rom com that only you and Nick were interested in, so you weren’t surprised when Matt and Chris grabbed their phones and started their endless scroll, until Chris looked up and over towards you.

“Hey,” he starts quietly, and you turn your head to look at him. “Can you, uh.. can you come take a picture with me? She’s texting me right now and thinks I’m lying about you. Which I guess I am, but, whatever. Just for a second?”

You think about it for a couple of moments, not really sure if cuddling up with Chris in front of his brothers is something you necessarily want to do right now, but you also don’t want to ruin the deal you two had made with each other, so you lightly nod your head and remove the blanket that covered you and Matt, scooting closer to Chris.

“How do you want to do this?” You asked him, and he just patted his leg.

“Just put your legs over mine and scoot real close, that’ll be fine. I can snap it really quick,” he says, and you oblige, scooting a bit closer than before and swinging both of your legs over one of his, draped over his thigh. You leaned your body into his, and he placed his hand on your thigh, tucked between both of your legs.

“Good?” You ask, eyes flitting up over his face. He nods and lifts his phone up to take a photo, taking a couple before looks over at you and reaches your gaze.

He takes a deep breath while staring at you, hand still resting on your thigh. “I’m sorry,” he says, voice low so his brothers couldn’t hear, but it was so quiet you almost didn’t hear him. “I really didn’t mean to call you that, it just slipped out.”

You’re shocked at the fact that he offered an actual apology, considering the fact that he’d never said sorry unless his brothers had told him to, so something about this felt a little bit more genuine than usual.

You offer him a tight lipped smile and nod your head. “I forgive you,” you tell him just as quietly.

He pulls his hand out from your thighs and taps your leg lightly. “Good, now go back to cozying up with my brother before I throw up.”

You laugh and do as he says, moving away from him and back towards Matt, who smiles sweetly at you, taking up the same position as you had with Chris, placing the blanket back over you both.

As you sat there and watched the movie, you couldn’t help but steal a few glances towards Chris, watching as he played with his lip with his free hand while he scrolled, or how he giggled to himself every time he saw a video that he found cute. The way he peeked up at the tv every so often to see what was happening, then went back on his phone to pretend he wasn’t interested in the cheesy movie.

What you were completely clueless to, though, was the way he did the same thing to you, watching as you laughed along with Nick, or how you cuddled closer into his brother, his hand rubbing your arm sweetly and habitually. He even watched the way your eyes started to flutter towards the end of the movie, clearly too tired to head home, just like most nights.

Maybe you weren’t that bad or annoying, but he was so deep in it now that he felt he could never turn back, never admit that maybe one day he’d like to be close to you like you were to his brothers. He had no idea that you’d take him up on that offer in a heartbeat.

-

a/n: part two!!! thanks for all the love on part one!!

taglist

@liiixsturniolos @madelinesturn @st6niolo @mattslolita @ifwdominicfike @sophand4n4 @chris-hallelujah @sophsturns @ariana2saucyy @045696 @m-sgirl @scorpioosworld @byhrxb @vickytaa @taelovesmattsturniolo @secret-sturniolo @theboredknightcat-blog @slvtf0rchr1s @flouqissss @gabri3la-sturns @delilahsturniolo @starstrucktyrantinfluencer @vanillsstuff @avasturniolos @hornyformatt @sturnlsstuff

[antimonyandthyme]

body swap, for carcar or even landoscarcar?

He wakes up, disoriented. It’s not even light out yet, why the fuck is he awake? His throat’s a little sore, his hips are a little sore. Jeez. Didn’t even bother to put some pants on last night, and did he chafe his ass on like, the sheets or something? Wow. He’s sore all over. A settled, pleasant kind though, a muscle ache too deep for him to reach. Maybe he can skip the gym today, hop on a stream, relax. Grab Carlos for a round of golf before he leaves, if he’s not too busy mapping Monaco on his bike.

He turns to his left. Claps a hand over his mouth, shrieks into it.

Like, he’s groggy. He doesn’t have the remnants of a disaster headache, so he’s not hungover. But it’s early, and he never wakes up early. Must be why he’s hallucinating.

When he can bring himself to look again, Carlos is still there. Close enough that Lando can hear the air whistling softly through his teeth.

Lando shifts uselessly, stares. That’s Carlos, alright. He’s always been a loud sleeper. Back in their McLaren days, when they’d shared hotel rooms, Lando had taken voice recordings to prove to an adamant Carlos that he snored. The memory makes his lips twitch. It’s nice Carlos looks well-rested. Better than he has in awhile. A pretty trophy will do that for you. If he wants, Lando can choose to waste precious time counting Carlos’s lashes while he figures out what to do. He’ll lose count at probably a hundred.

That’s Carlos, alright.

What were they doing last night? Surely Lando would remember. The party was loud, raucous, the Prince of Monaco victorious here at last. All podium finishers present, fourth place included. Drinking, laughing, cozying up to one another. Carlos and Oscar smiling tentatively at each other after sharing just one couch, animosity seemingly forgotten. The prickly itch crawling under Lando’s skin, until Charles finally manages to bag him a set. The music, beats pounding a tattoo into his brain. He remembers all of that.

Surely he would remember taking Carlos’s clothes off. He’s wanted to for—

Lando slaps both hands onto his cheeks, hard enough to sting. He needs to take a leak.

He squeaks out of the bed, as quietly as he can. Trips over a pair of jeans that look vaguely familiar, rams his toe into the wheel of a suitcase that definitely wasn’t there last night. Finds the bathroom, closes the door with a silent snick.

Fumbles around like a dunce for the light switch, right there where all light switches usually are.

Flicks it on. Shrieks for real this time, without his hands to cover the noise.

It’s a good thing Carlos has always slept like the dead. To be absolutely fucking certain, Lando peeks his head out.

Yep, still asleep. That’s Carlos, alright.

Deep, deep breaths. As deep as he can go without passing out. He returns to the mirror. Feels for his face like it’s a foreign object.

Which it is. Because that’s Oscar Piastri, looking right back at him.

--

He means to start off with something useful. Something like, Hey, do you remember what drugs we were on last night? E? Salvia? Because mate, these are the strangest withdrawal symptoms I’ve ever experienced. Or even something funny, like Haha, now I know what you look like naked. The fans are going to have a field day.

Instead, what comes out of his mouth is, “Why are you sleeping with Carlos?”

“Good morning to you too,” Oscar says, after the longest pause on planet fucking earth.

He didn’t mean for that to sound as sulky as he did. But he’s sore all over, and his lips, which are not his, but Oscar’s, feel extremely kissed, and he definitely does not expect that to make something in his chest twist tighter than a coiled spring.

“Aren’t you going to answer?”

“What did we drink last night?” Oscar says, unsurprisingly choosing to be the level-headed one in this conversation.

“Something bright green, something ocean blue. Dunno. Lost track during the set.”

“Lando,” Oscar says patiently, in Lando’s voice. Which is just all kinds of weird. “Something green, something blue, doesn’t sound all that normal.”

“I knew that DJ couldn’t be trusted.”

The world-weary sigh Lando receives makes his skin prickle with heat. Things have been happening. The car’s gotten faster. From his grandmother to the mechanics, everyone’s been talking about a chance he could pull like magic out of thin air. It’s not his fault he wasn’t paying attention. At the club, or to every encounter Carlos and Oscar had prior to this that has led them here.

“Look, I’m gonna—where are you?”

“In Carlos’s room,” Lando says, rudely, unhelpfully.

“Right. I’ll. I’ll be there in. We’re staying just, two blocks away, right? I’ll be there in ten. Could you. Could you please, just—”

Lando expects him to say something totally condescending. Please just don’t freak out. Please just don’t do anything until I get there, because I’m being responsible and you’re being a baby.

“Just, go back?”

“What?”

“Be next to him, when he wakes up?”

Lando swallows. The acid from yesterday must be making his stomach churn. Oscar—in Lando’s fucking voice, sounds smaller and more hopeful than Lando ever wants to hear himself sound.

“I don’t want him to think.” Oscar stops. Lando can practically see him scrubbing at the back of his neck. “I don’t want him to think I left, or anything like that. Could you—”

Lando hangs up.

The earnestness. The, the audacity.

The phone rings again, and Lando hangs up again, out of pure spite. He paces wildly, in front of the mirror. Each time he turns on his heel he imagines his body morphing back into what’s right. Each turn smacks him with the image that Oscar’s pale, freckled skin turns splotchy red when he’s angry.

What. A useful thing. To know.

It’s been half an hour since he’s woken up. Which means, oh fuck. Fuck. Carlos’s body clock has always been impeccable. Eight, on the dot, he springs out of bed like it’s a wonderful thing being alive at that hour, and then goes and makes coffee without fail. Which means in three, two minutes, Carlos will open his eyes. And, and he’ll be alone in bed.

He’ll be alone. That’ll make Lando feel better, right? Carlos will be alone, and then Oscar will no longer be a problem, and then the itch under his skin will disappear, for good.

Carlos will be alone.

He flicks off the light, slips out of the bathroom. Bangs his toe again on that damned suitcase. Slides under the covers, adjusts himself into a position he hopes might be believable. Head on one hand, face tilted toward Carlos. Body leaning, reaching. Always reaching. Eyes half-closed.

But open enough so that he can see the exact moment Carlos wakes. See that small, relieved smile. See the way Carlos clicks his jaw askew, the way he always does before making a decision. Then feel Carlos run the backs of his knuckles against a face he wishes were familiar.

[ohbueckers]

HEART OF A WOMAN. you should call into work if that ain’t too much to ask, i could pour you up a drink and we could burn somethin’.

03, CHAPTER THREE. COME THROUGH.

ju speaks. late chapter again lol and this election fucked me uuup but thank God for writing as a distraction. you can expect another part between now and monday mayyybe… i have some free time. pairing. wnba!paige bueckers x fem!oc. warnings. same old + sexual innuendos (we’re very familiar with my edging game).

present day, may 2025.

paige: yo 6:23pm

wyd?

nailea text me back bro 6:29pm

nailea: hmmm

busy

paige: busy my ass

nailea disliked a message

nailea: i’ve been at work all day. some of us don’t get to just play basketball, madison 😓

paige: ohhh is that right?

i’ll have you know i work hard af ma

nailea: hard enough for a reward?

paige loved a message

paige: bring that ass over here nai

nailea: i’ve got emails to finish

paige: they’ll be there tomorrow

i’m here right now. waitin on you actually

nailea: maybe i have been thinking ab it 6:32pm

paige: mhm?

well you ain’t gotta think no more let’s just do

nailea laughed at a message

nailea: you’re really ridiculous

paige: come over and tell me that to my face

nailea: depends on what you got there

a girl needs incentives

read 6:35pm

paige: i got plenty

few drinks, maybe roll up too. thought that might get you

nailea: it’s a start

send the address, i’ll come through when i’m done

paige loved a message

i sink back into the couch, letting my head rest against the arm, my feet comfortably draped across paige’s lap. the last few days, i tried to keep myself busy, focus on work, ignore the way my phone would vibrate and my thoughts would jump straight to her. the same old game. she’d sent a few texts, nothing too serious, just little things to test the waters i guess, and when she called yesterday, talking about how much she missed me, i could already tell she was pulling me back in, trying to see if that thread between us would hold.

paige kept her word, though—i can give her that. i said i’d answer, and she made sure i’d have a reason to. she knew exactly what to say, and it’s a shame that she always does, really. it’s messed up, but it works. i can’t say i haven’t missed this, either. the way she can look at me and make me forget everything i swore i’d remember, every reason i should’ve walked away.

and now, here we are, the sun setting behind her window and casting everything, even her, in some warm, orange glow that only makes her look all the more attractive. it’s like the universe is playing along, trying to romanticize something i know i should be more careful with. there’s an old celtics game playing on the tv, but neither of us is really paying attention to it. i watch her more than the screen, notice the way her fingers brush absentmindedly over my leg, the way she insists that she should be the one to hold the joint to my lips.

paige leans back, and her hand has inched from my ankle to a casual spot on my bare thigh. we’re both too deep in drinks and hits to make sense of it, but i’m not sure i would’ve said anything even if i was sober. she’s wearing one of her uconn tees, which i guess you could call old now, the shirt hugging her arms a little tight. her hair’s falling over her shoulders, looking a little shriveled but still perfect, and every time she glances at me, she wears this smug little smirk.

“…feels like everything i knew it’d be. more work and pressure than it seems, but you know me,” paige says, her grin turning a little self-satisfied, like she’s relishing every second of her own success. we’ve been catching up—if that’s what you’d call it—for awhile now. i should probably leave soon, sober up and drive home. i’m not that far. but i don’t want to.

she drags her tongue slowly over her bottom lip, eyes hazily drifting back over to me. “what about you, huh?” she asks. “you got that insane move up. what’s that been like?”

i roll my eyes, tilting my head against the couch arm to look at her. “it’s not that insane.”

paige grins, shrugging and taking a sip of her lazy attempt at a cocktail. i’d offered to make them myself, honestly not trusting the blonde to not fuck it up, but she’d insisted, hostess duties or something.

“still sounds like a pretty big deal. you’re all professional and shit now,” she rambles, and i can’t help but chuckle at her choice of words.

i shake my head, hiking one of my legs up. “it’s not like i’m paige bueckers or anything,” i tease, a stupid, huge smile on my face. how is she able to bring out the worst and the best in me? “no one’s asking me to sign their shoes after a meeting.”

she laughs, eyes half-lidded and glassy, gaze intimidatingly lingering on me just a little too long. “bet you got your own version of that, though. people hangin’ on your every word, just tryna get a second of your time. don’t lie.”

i shrug, eyes shooting away from her. i don’t get how she does it. “i mean, it’s been good,” i admit. “long hours, but it’s nice to finally get involved the way i always wanted to, y’know?”

her hand shifts a little on my thigh, just enough to remind me it’s there, and i glance down. “coulda called that years ago,” she murmurs, barely louder than a whisper. then, it’s silent for a moment. just long enough for me to think of something else to ask her before she beats me to it. “you happy?”

i swallow, suddenly feeling a little hot in the face. “i am,” i reply after a pause, furrowing my eyebrows with a nod, almost like i’m trying to convince myself of it. “the dream, right?” i let out a breathy laugh, and paige smiles.

it’s silly to think that the both of us could recall that conversation like it was yesterday. but this wasn’t the dream. not the one we had when we were kids. just our own fucked up, adult version of it. and somehow, someway, we’re still here. somehow, someway, we still can’t let it go.

“and the people? they treat you right?” she sounds like she really cares, but is still trying not to press too hard.

“everyone’s good. most of them, anyway.” she can probably see through every word i say. pick up on the way i describe everything as good. i hesitate, looking back up at her. “never thought i’d be this close with a pro team after graduating, that’s for sure.”

“bro, ‘kea really don’t play ‘bout you,” paige laughs, but she’s serious. rickea’s one of the first people i got close with during my internship, contrary to belief. i was barely around the team then, too. “and maya’s been talking all kinds of good about you since cam’s party.”

i can feel my face flush, and i shift to sit up next to her, suddenly acutely aware of how close i am to paige, how tangled up i’ve let myself become. the mention of her name has clearly been a sore subject. i’m not sure why i feel so guilty, paige was mine first, but my mind flashes to her anyway, and then to paige, who’s probably hearing everything maya’s been saying about me, while i’m here, in the middle of all of it.

i don’t wanna ask what she’s been saying, and i surely don’t wanna press further into how deep paige and maya might be. ignorance is bliss, right? but shouldn’t it be my business? is paige still my business?

instead, i force a shrug. “i mean, it’s not like we’re on the same level,” i say, clearly selling myself a little short. maya’s been here longer, knows what she’s doing better than i do. credit never hurt.

paige doesn’t say anything. she inches just a little bit closer, and the sound of a sold out stadium of cheers from tatum’s three pointer is suddenly going in one ear and out the other. a small smirk tugs at her lips, and she tilts her head, eyes not sure what to focus on as she rubs up and down on my thigh, hand inching a little higher everytime. “i agree.”

i squint at her. “you do?” but it’s less of a question. my eyes flick to her lips, and i know she catches it because her smile widens, just a little.

“mhm,” she murmurs, her fingers twisting in, gripping my thigh until i’m squeezing my legs together. there’s a moment of silence, like she’s giving me a moment to breathe, to prepare, and she’s not done. “nobody’s fuckin’ with you, baby. believe that.”

i can feel my defenses slipping—not that they were ever really there anyway—as she presses closer, and i feel a warmth spreading through me, one that has nothing to do with the la heat. “what are we even doing, p?” i ask, and i don’t know where it came from. no part of me wanted to start an argument, or worse, hear the truth. i can’t look away.

she shifts, her expression softening as she glances down, then up again. she doesn’t know the answer either. “i dunno. what we always do.” she leans back a little, resting her head on the couch right near my chest, so close that her breath brushes against me with each exhale.

i tilt my head down, just enough to meet her blue hues, and the words come out before i even realize i’m saying them. “i’m supposed to be over this. over you.”

the second they’re out, i wish i could take them back. i didn’t wanna ruin the moment. the way her face changes, her jaw tightening and a flicker of something unreadable flashing in her eyes, tells me i’ve hit a nerve. a silence falls between us, an uncomfortable one if i’m honest, stretching longer than i mentally prepared myself for.

paige screws her eyes shut, letting out a low, frustrated breath as she sits up, running a hand over her face like she’s trying to gather herself. the loss of her touch makes me feel cold. “fuck, nai.”

i push myself up too, eyebrows are furrowed as i try to make sense of it. “what? i just asked a question.”

“you always gotta make shit so fuckin’ difficult,” she mutters, shaking her head like this whole thing is somehow my fault. like i’m the one complicating it.

i frown, glancing down, and she continues. “you’re just—God, nai, it’s like you can’t just let things be. you always gotta question it, question me.” she bites down on her lip. she’s actually upset, and the horrible part about it is that it’s so like her—so unmistakably paige—that somehow, i can’t even bring myself to be mad.

i want to laugh. “why does that piss you off?” i don’t want to say it, but the words slip out anyway. “you think you’ve given me any reason not to? especially now that you’re seeing maya?”

her head crooks to look at me, and her eyes narrow with it. “what the fuck does maya have to do with this?”

i can feel the heat in my face, the way everything inside me tightens, like i’ve been holding my breath for way too long. “what do you mean, what’s she got to do with it? you’re seeing her, paige. i’m not blind.”

her jaw clenches tighter than before, and she stands up, pacing a few steps before turning back to me. “we’re not—” she pauses, clearly trying to find her words, but i’m not giving her the time.

“that’s all i need to know,” i finish, forcing a tight-lipped grin. “you don’t have to lie. i’m quite sick of those from you, actually.” i chuckle, but it’s a hollow sound, one that doesn’t even make it past my throat. i reach for my shoes that i tossed to the side when i got here, pulling them onto my feet.

paige watches, hands on her hips, and i’m fine with her quiet. “i don’t want you to leave upset with me over somethin’ we coulda talked about,” she softens, but it doesn’t change the fact that i’m already over it.

“i’m not upset with you,” i bluff, and i tie the laces of my sneakers a little tighter than necessary.

she glances down, tongue swarming her mouth, and i don’t even have to look at her to know that she’s thinking of some way to stop me. “nai—“ she starts.

“i’m not upset,” i repeat, and i hope it was more firm this time. i force myself to look her in the eyes, not a single thought behind them. neither of us is willing to be the first to back down, but i’m too exhausted to care anymore. “i just need to go,” i finish, standing up and rounding the couch.

paige’s face drops, hesitation etched across her entire face. “you can’t leave. you had too much. just… stay, aight? we’ll figure it ou—”

i grab my jacket, ignoring her weak attempts. somehow, this all feels like that night again, and i feel that familiar nausea creep up. “i’ll call a fucking uber,” i snap, throwing the door open. and before she can stop me, i’m gone, my pulse racing as i step out into the hall, leaving behind the sound of her voice.

i don’t think i’m very good at pretending i’m not upset.

[locomoqo]

haiii!!! i may have spent the rest of my time reading all your works🥲🥲 and is it okay to request Girl Dad! jake,goo and gun reacting to their baby just blabbering and them going on with it like “yeah i know right” “that’s so true”

thank you!! (also take ur time since it looks like you have alot on ur plate atm💕💕)

sweet talk

ft. Gun Park, Goo Kim & Jake Kim x f!reader [separate]

details: fluff, established relationship (married)

A/N: I SAW THIS AND I WAS LIKE OH I HAVE TO DO THISSS ITS SO SAUR CUTEEEE YIEEE THANK YOU ANON FOR THIS REQ mweheh i love reqs like these

ᯓ★—GUN

Gun worked swiftly, slicing the apples with precision. He glanced over at his baby girl in her seat, her wide eyes tracking his every move as he sliced through each piece. You were down with a fever, leaving him to not only take care of you but also to manage his curious, babbling daughter.

He held up a bunny-shaped apple slice, presenting it to her with a slight smirk. Her reaction was immediate—eyes lighting up as she reached out, tiny fingers stretching toward the apple. “You like the bunny?” he asked as she took it and clumsily tried to nibble on it, ending up with more drool than bites.

Gun shook his head with a faint smile, but just as he turned back to finish the apple slices, she banged her chubby hands on the tray, her little mouth opening in a string of excited babbles.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, tilting his head as she bounced in her seat, one hand gripping the bunny slice like a prized possession while the other pointed insistently at the plate.

“These are for mommy,” he explained, trying to hold his ground, but she only babbled louder, waving her free hand around as if to insist.

Gun sighed, glancing at the bunny-shaped slice she held, and then at the other slices on the plate. “You want all of them like this?” he muttered, looking back at her. “You think mommy would like it, huh?”

“Mamamama!” she gurgled happily, slapping her tiny hands against the tray again, clearly delighted at his consideration.

Gun chuckled, shaking his head. “Fine, you win.” He picked up another apple slice, carefully cutting it into another bunny shape. His daughter watched, entranced, and when he showed her the new bunny, she squealed with delight.

As he worked, Gun continued to talk to her, more to keep her entertained than anything. “Think mommy’s going to like the bunnies?” he mused out loud, and she responded with a babble, as if offering her very serious opinion on the matter.

After finishing, he arranged the bunny-shaped slices neatly on the plate, giving one last glance to his daughter, who had finally managed a small nibble on her slice. “Well, if it makes you two happy…” he muttered with a small, barely-there smile, carrying his daughter in one arm and the plate in his other hand to bring a little joy to his sick wife.

With his daughter happily babbling away at her “help” and his own satisfaction at his work.

ᯓ★—GOO

Goo strolled through the house with his baby girl snuggled in her carrier, her tiny feet kicking as she took in everything with wide, curious eyes. Every few steps, she’d babble something, and Goo would gasp dramatically, as if she’d just shared the most incredible news.

“Oh, really?” he chuckled, bouncing her gently. “You’re just full of stories today, aren’t you?”

They paused in the hallway when she started reaching out, her little hand stretching toward a framed photo on the wall. It was a candid picture of Goo and you, both smiling on your wedding day. She babbled louder, smacking her little hand against the photo, clearly fascinated.

“Oh-ho! You found mama and dada, huh?” Goo teased, leaning closer to the picture so she could get a better look. She gurgled, waving her hands at the frame, and Goo’s grin grew. “You like that, huh? That’s ‘cause mama’s in it. She’s the pretty one, right? Dada’s just the one making her laugh.”

“Umwa, mwaamama!” she let out a string of babbles, and Goo put on a look of mock surprise. “You think she’s prettier than me? Oh, so it’s like that, huh?” he said, feigning hurt. “I’ll let that one slide since you’re my favorite girl.”

His daughter’s little noises filled the hall, and he grinned, nodding like she’d made the smartest observation. “Ohhh, you think I got lucky, huh? You got that right, sweetie. Lucky, lucky, lucky,” he chuckled. “And look at you, you’re her little twin! Same smile, same cute face… except you got daddy’s charm, don’t you?” he added with a wink, booping her nose.

Another babble.

“Yeah, I know,” he replied, nodding as though they were having a full-blown conversation. “She’s smart, tough, and—well, let’s just say she’s got me wrapped around her finger. And you… you’re just like her, you know? Gonna grow up and be just as amazing.”

He paused, caught off guard by his own words, blinking in surprise as he felt a weird flutter in his chest. “Whoa, that was... okay, that was a little too sentimental,” he muttered, looking down at his daughter, who just blinked up at him with wide, curious eyes. “Ugh, daddy went full cringe mode for a second there. Ignore that, okay?”

But she just babbled back, and Goo groaned playfully, rolling his eyes. “Oh, great, you’re telling mama? You’re ratting dada out for being sappy? Unbelievable,” he said before pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

ᯓ★—JAKE

Jake rocked his crying little girl in his arms, gently swaying back and forth as he tried every trick he could think of to calm her down. He bounced her, hummed softly, even gave her that little “shh-shh-shh” that sometimes worked like magic. But today? Not a chance. Her babbling came between tiny, hiccupping sobs, and he leaned down to look at her with a gentle smile, brushing a thumb softly across her chubby cheek.

“Someone’s got a lot to say,” he murmured, his voice soft. “Tell me, princess, what’s wrong? You hungry?” He shifted her in his arms, bouncing her lightly. “Or are you just giving daddy a little piece of your mind?”

His daughter’s cries softened for a moment, only to pick back up again with another babble. Jake widened his eyes, nodding as if he fully understood her complaints. “Ah, I see, I see,” he replied, nodding seriously. “So it’s the blanket, huh? Not soft enough? Or was it the bottle? Too warm? Too cold? Man, this is complicated.”

She let out another babble-cry, tiny fists reaching up to grab onto his shirt as if she were clinging to her last hope. He chuckled, taking her tiny hand and pressing a gentle kiss to her fingers. “Alright, I get it, princess. You’re not mad. Just… sharing some feedback, right? I respect that.”

She let out a series of softer babbles, staring up at him with watery eyes, and Jake leaned forward, pressing his forehead lightly to hers. “Yeah, I’m listening. Go on, get it all out. Daddy’s right here.”

With each little sound she made, Jake nodded along, pretending to take mental notes. “Oh, so it’s my singing you’re not a fan of? I thought it was pretty good—so did mommy, but maybe I need some pointers from the expert,” he whispered, winking. “And the rocking chair? Too slow, right? Got it, I’ll add that to daddy’s list.”

She continued to babble, and he kept going along with it, his voice taking on a playful tone. “And here I thought daddy was nailing it, huh? Guess I still have a lot to learn from the boss.”

She let out a few more babbling sounds, her tone shifting like she was calming down, and Jake continued, nodding sympathetically. “And on top of that, maybe you missed mommy a little too, right? Thought she’d be here, didn’t you?” He gave her a warm smile, his fingers tracing gentle circles on her back. 

Finally, her cries faded into little hiccups, her big eyes staring up at him. Jake let out a soft laugh, his hand rubbing soothing circles on her back. “See? You just needed someone to listen. Don’t worry, princess—I’ll always be here, taking notes and making sure everything’s just right.”

His daughter cooed softly, finally content, her tiny fingers clutching his shirt as she nestled closer. Jake let out a relieved sigh, pulling her closer.

[he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not]

It's also like, holy shit, Viktor convinced Jayce, CONVINCED JAYCE, to use his position in the Council to urge Mel to help the people of Zaun using Hextech. Viktor was in that room instead of the lab because this meeting was important to him, and to his people, and Jayce KNOWS this.

The one time that Viktor decides to be present to stand up for his people to bring them peace and opportunities, he's literally almost killed for it. It's like shit, what was it all for?

This sickly man with a small orbit of people who genuinely care for him in Piltover, using his dreams and resources to finally help those who are in the most need. Viktor, the only person topside standing up for them, nearly taken out by one of them. The way I also see it, past the shock Jayce is experiencing (which is why it took him so long to gather himself and remember that THIS TIME of all meetings, Viktor was in the room as well), he's battling within himself and we'll see it as the show progresses. He blames himself, undoubtedly, for using the Hextech which killed a kid in Zaun, and failing to use his position in the Council to help the people that Viktor cares for the most.

This was a conversation he and Viktor had time and time again when it came to using Hextech to help the people of Zaun, and it kept getting pushed back because Piltover's wealthy didn't want to endorse the mere idea of helping what they considered violent gutter rats. In this scene we see a lot happening but also past the fuzz of shock and fear, Jayce undoubtedly blames himself for holding this peace treaty and call for aid off for so long. If it had happened sooner, then everything wouldn't have built up and bubbled over the way it did. Holding it off for so long led to what happened in that room, led to Viktor standing for his people in front of Mel and the rest of the council who still disrespect him, only to be taken out for it because they waited too long. It's amazing how this show writes consequence.

Because obviously Jayce could not have known or predicted the absolute shit show that was taking place in Zaun after he had spoken to Silco, but they all waited despite knowing it would be for the best because despite Piltover flourishing to the point that it was excessive and unnecessary, the people of Zaun were being further neglected, and Viktor pointed this out multiple times.

It was never fair to Viktor, who worked long hours on his own on the Hexcore as his health deteriorated. He should have had a say in it since the start. But he's from Zaun, he's not a priority in the eyes of the Council, they only care about what Jayce has to say.

And the moment that it's agreed upon once things start escalating, it's already too late.

FUCK such good writing.

[pzychojinx]

so, jinx in act one of season two. see, for three years i expected a full on descent into chaos and madness beyond any repair. i'd made peace with that, too. so i'm surprised - pleasantly, joyfully surprised.

very long analysis ahead on where they're taking her and how it speaks to me.

we first meet her again during silco's eulogy sequence - a beautiful sequence, halfway between dreamlike and real. "just like when vander shoved off", she says about his death. except it's not. after vander's death, after vi's perceived abandonment, everything jinx could feel was self-centered. she would say "she's not my sister anymore". she would devalue these people entirely. in fact, every single reaction to any action done by her loved ones would be self-centered and extreme. that is very much how her mental process works, how her trauma caused her to work. and more so: when silco would ask of her any work, any mission, she'd do the job purely for his sake, his affection, his approval, never caring about the cause.

in short, she was never able to get out of her own head for as much as a single minute. now, she starts the funeral off with "chembarons warring for control of the lanes. wannabe street thugs squabbling over scraps. just like when vander shoved off." and it's not about her abandonment anymore. it's not about being left alone. it's not about her. she's talking to silco about his city, his legacy, his world, his chembarons, his lanes. she's out of her own head, and it's the first time we ever see it.

"because someone put all those holes in you", she says then. and this is so interesting because there's obviously a dissociation here, as well as a very intense grief and sadness. we are obviously still dealing with someone who's deeply traumatized and unstable, but let's compare this with powder after the deaths of vander, mylo and claggor. powder had a full breakdown, both turned into a complete de-evaluation of vi as i was mentioning earlier and full desperation. "i only wanted to help, i only wanted to help, i only wanted to help".

this chaotic desperation is something jinx kept within herself throughout the entirety of s1 up until - the tea party. which i'm getting at, in a minute. point being, for now, that the jinx we see during silco's eulogy is grieving and lost and rootless and asking herself "what am i supposed to do with that?", but she lacks the chaotic full-on desperation that would lead her to acts of explosive destruction and/or self-destruction in s1. in fact, she's incredibly quieter. she's more grounded, more present in her movements, in the way she fights, in the way she talks.

in retrospect even her final action in s1, the infamous missile, already had the energy we're seeing now. it wasn't instinctive, driven by hallucinations or trauma or rage or an unrestrained trigger; it was silco's legacy and it was calculated. silco's death, i think now, left jinx as rootless as she's ever been, but it also left her with an acceptance of who she is. "don't cry, you're perfect". the tea party ends with her 'choosing' jinx and if you'd asked me before season two, i would have said with full certainty it meant she'd be going to be a loose cannon. entirely and with no possibility of ever being anything else. that's not what i think now.

i think she came to terms with who she is. i think now that the seat at the tea party wasn't a symbol of complete derailing, it was in a way a symbol of acceptance. "here's to the new us". she's fought her fight between powder and jinx and the tea party has permitted her to gain, in some way, a sense of closure. very importantly, having lost what she perceived as vi's acceptance, and having lost a father, she has also been able to shed the constant and desperate need to be in their favor.

during the 'sucker' sequence, we see her going through the lanes with a hood on her hair, very low-key. loose cannon jinx would have never, ever done that. loose cannon jinx would, quite simply, not have cared. she would have been extra, and explosive, and in everyone's faces. she's preserving herself not to be found, and that's new. again, i think she's still lost and rootless and grieving and really asking herself what she's supposed to do now that she's entirely autonomous and i also think there's definitely still a lot of bitterness and rage when it comes to vi which we obviously get to see during their fight and in no way is she magically ~healthy or anything like that - however.

she is still walking those streets in a way that indicates self-preservation. it would have been very, very easy for jinx to be captured by any of those goons and/or got herself killed. and for some reason, whether that be an apathetic, mourning state or mind, or whether that be some gained peace in who she is, or both - she didn't.

given all this, the new element that season two act one has introduced for her that truly moved me and made me feel... healed in a sort of way, is the introduction of human bonds for jinx that defy her historical, co-dependent mechanism of idolization and de-evaluation. ergo, sevika and isha. this is incredible for her and most of all, it's realistic. it's a chance at something, but it doesn't feel forced, nor fairytale-esque, nor does it resemble your usual ~redemption arc.

sevika and isha function as people who she's building some bond with, and since she's a little bit less in her own fucking head, and since she's not clinging to them as idealized protectors / saviours and neither is she refusing them as betrayers, and since she's not constantly fighting between what she perceives as her double identity anymore, she finally has the possibility to experience healthier bonds. sevika functions as somebody who still ties her to silco, possibly the closest thing she has right now to any root she might have left, and it works: reminiscing silco with her, gifting her the arm, doesn't leave her utterly alone but neither does it let her fall into the trap of clinging onto yet another figure from whom to fully depend.

and isha, very obviously, functions as the possibility of healing her inner child which is a goldmine for her storyline. her bond with isha could clearly have a narrative tie to jinx & silco, to jinx & vi, and most importantly to jinx and powder herself - this is all quite obvious but again, it's not executed in a way that feels like a forced 'redemption arc' or whatnot. the idea of this little street kid who just imprints on her like a lost little duckling, which is in no way jinx's decision, simply feels natural and heartwarming. does this mean i presume such healing of her inner child is going to come easy to her? no. but it's something. it's something very different from anything she's ever experienced before.

even through the loss, the rootlessness, the grief and confusion, the panic attack we see her experiencing through the lanes as a consequence of the moment she sees vi and caitlyn's enforcer squad, even through the brutality of the fight with vi, - and this is all to say, she's still a very traumatized individual, which is important because it would have just been senseless to have jinx somehow get fully stable like a switch had been flipped - we're seeing something new for jinx here. i've seen many posts related to "i'm glad it's you", and i might be unpopular here but while i do think jinx still has an element of suicidality, i also think she was at least half bluffing there. comparing her micro-expressions with the ones back on the bridge fight with ekko, i'm under the impression she was testing vi, at the very least partially. "poisoning us with gas?" is also an interesting line because even in her attack at her sister, she's less focused on her own trauma and more on something that we've hardly seen from her before - belonging to the lanes.

all of this to say, i'm loving the path they're taking for her. it's still very much jinx. it feels like jinx. but she's not just about to wreak senseless and desperate havoc in order to be seen by either her sister or her father, because there's no one to be seen by anymore. she's not fighting a desperate battle between her identities either, because she's accepted her place. she's not loud and erratic, she's quieter and coming to terms with herself. closure is truly the word that comes to mind, for me, in how i see her arc right now. closure, and unexpectedly, possibility.

[procyonloser]

Pt 2

Lucifer had been thinking about the guy at the aquarium for the last two weeks, on and off. He'd not really been eager to date since the divorce, and Lucifer was not a hook up kind of guy. He truly did want to be an anglerfish, he wanted to latch onto his partner until one or (ideally) both of them died. He was obsessive, but in a fun caring way that definitely didn't drive his ex wife away.

"Ugh..." Lucifer dragged his hand down his face, trying not to look at himself in the mirror, at the risk of seeing the purple under his eyes that seemed just ever present at this point in his exhausted life.

"Papa, look!" Charlie said, standing up from her little table he had in the living room for all her arts and crafts. She ran over, holding a big piece of paper with a bunch of scribbles on it, but in the middle was unmistakenly a jellyfish from the aquarium. Lucifer grabbed it in his hands with a big smile, marveling at it - his daughter was so talented!

"It's beautiful, Charchar!" Lucifer exclaimed, kissing her all over her head, to squeals of giggles. "Wow, look at that, what a perfect jellyfish! You really liked the aquarium, huh?"

Charlie nodded her head, eyes big and bright. "I like the one tank with the pink stuff, and the other one with the one thing, and the floppy little guys on the ground, and the-"

"Do you want to go again?" Lucifer asked her, and Charlie froze up for a second, processing the question, before she bolted for the door, grabbing her little red coat and boots. Lucifer wanted to cry, she was so cute.

Lucifer had packed in the car her stroller wagon, because Charlie had started to get tired last time by the end, and she'd made Lucifer carry her coat and stuffed toys the entire time. They'd been rolling around the aquarium for a bit, looking at the different displays, before Charlie got excited at the penguin exhibit. Not exactly what Lucifer considered aquarium animals, but he supposed it made as much sense as an otter or seal.

He lifted Charlie up so she could see the birds waddle around, and he was so distracted by her reaction, he didn't notice the shadow beside him.

"I hate penguins," the voice said, and Lucifer turned slightly to look at the man, before doing a double take, eyes going wide. Oh, oh it was the hot but not hot guy from before, Lucifer opened his mouth, before closing it, and then opened it again. "You doing your best fish impersonation? You really do want to be a male anglerfish, don't you?" He asked with a cheeky grin, and Lucifer finally got the chance to see his name tag.

Adam. Yeah, he looked like an Adam.

"Well, you know," Lucifer laughed nervously, maybe a little too enthusiastically, but he had a hard time gauging that sort of thing. "Why don't you like penguins?"

"The stink, and they're fucking sociopaths, like they're tiny demons. Everyone goes, oh they're so cute, oh look at the gay penguins, aren't they great? No, they're awful. Worse than dolphins. You know what necrophilia is?" Lucifer regretfully nodded his head, grimace spreading across his face.

"Like I said," Adam said with a huff, looking back over at the birds. "I don't like penguins."

"Reasonable," Lucifer said in a slightly higher tone, growing more aware the man was just... There. Standing next to him. No one else was around. Sure, maybe he was an employee talking to a client, but it didn't seem like that was it. "Do you like any birds, or is your thing just...fish?"

"Swans are cool," Adam said, glancing at him. "They are super loyal, they mate for life, and they're giant vicious shits."

"I like ducks," Lucifer said plainly, immediately regretting it.

"Don't get me started on ducks," Adam rolled his eyes, before pushing away from the banister. "I'm about to go run the touch tank in the kid's activity reef room, if your kiddo wants to come see. You can touch little rays, starfish, shrimp, sea cucumbers."

"...Sea cucumbers?" Lucifer asked, raising an eyebrow. He'd never heard of them, was that like a sea sponge? But Adam sent him a wicked grin in response to the question, like he'd been hoping Lucifer wouldn't know much about them.

"Yeah, they're long tubes basically, and if you rub them too much and they get overwhelmed, they shoot out their intestines in long white stands." Adam said with a wink, before he walked a few feet away, glancing back at Lucifer with a smirk. "You gunna come, or do you need to latch onto me to keep up?"

"Ha...ha," Lucifer wheezed out, eyes falling to Adam's backside, before Charlie tugged on his jacket.

"Can we go? I want to see the shrimps." Charlie asked, giving her best puppy eyes, which worked instantly of course, Lucifer was a bit of a push over when it came to her.

"Absolutely," Lucifer said, already planning on buying a yearly membership to the aquarium.

[lavender-butterfly-cookie]

I would love to see a second part of Forgotten Friends

One where the beast eventually realized that they blew stuff out of proportion and, because of that, their friend was basically forced to betray them, but they have no one to blame but themselves

And by the time they realized and are out of their prison

Reader cookie can varely remember them, they do remember they used to be friends, but all their evil deed have replaces most happy memories and Reader has a hard time being able to trust or even be near them

Patience is a strong thing, but time is more

The SoulJam of Patience has follow their tittle, now it's Their turn to use it

I like your style dear butterfly.

Forsaken, Forgotten, Un-Forgiven

previous part

Where does one even begin to express how much patience you've lost? How does one even begin to accept your friends have become nothing more but shells of their former selves? How does one learn to forgive them for forcing you to betray them? As hard as it is to believe, it starts with an apology.

After sealing your friends away all those years ago, it took you immense amounts of patience before you could face the world again. It took you so much patience to adjust and make new friends. So much patience to finally feel free about revealing who you really are. Patience to accept that they were gone and they weren't coming back. It took a long time, but you endured it. And it was worth it.

But it wasn't.

You found yourself face to face with five shards of tinted glass, all representing a shard from what was broken long ago. You barely remembered any of them, but that doesn't mean you forgot them and their evil deeds completely

The blue shard, who had once been your source of knowledge and guidance, now full of cracks that mimicked the web of deceit it was entangled in. You remember how the threads of that web were used to puppet and control the lives of the innocent, forcing them to fight for his own twisted little show.

The white shard, who had one been the holder of the virtue known as volition, now flavorless and apathetic soul devoid of any meaning. You remember how easily she turned everything to flour with just a simple motion of her hand. And you knew she did it because she saw little to no value in living a life with the inevitable end known as death

The red shard, who was once the herald of change in itself, now a destructive and merciless monster who sees no point in creation when it's bout to wither away eventually. You remember how he had destroyed countless homes and lives, all because he was bored.

The pink shard, who was once the most loving and joyful person you had ever met, now a lazy sloth who didn't even bother doing anything anymore. You remember vividly how she wiped away so many cookies just because they woke her up from her nap.

Then there was the Purple shard, once a noble knight of solitude, now a dark knight of silence. You remember all to well how had mercilessly crumbled several cookies in a single strike. How he's never uttered a word since he became corrupted.

These shards of glass are none other than your fallen friends, freed from but under different circumstances. They weren't causing havoc, they weren't attacking- heck, they weren't even angry at you after you lead them into a trap. What baffled you more was how the ancients were present but stood to the side. It took some time before the realization hit you.

"They want to talk."

You heard a voice say. It sounded like you, but much more mature. You felt your heart drop. They wish to talk? Couldn't they have thought about that years- no, CENTURIES ago?! But you're not about to argue with the light of patience when you clearly have better things to focus on.

The first thing you noticed about your fallen friends is their demeanor. They're not angry... they actually look guilty and nervous. Next was their souljams... which they didn't have for some reason. The ancients probably have it, which is good. They can't cause much damage. Shadow milk cookie stepped forward and you were ready for anything....

"Y/N cookie..."

Anything at all.

"We're sorry..."

Except that. Your eyes widened and you froze solid, the words unable to register in your head. They were apologizing?... But- no that can't be right... this is a trick... It's a trick and you won't fall for it again... You look at the ancients. They aren't intervening or protesting against this false apology.

...

They can't seriously believe this, right? They're not falling for this, RIGHT?! You step back a bit and shake your head slightly. This was a trick. Why do they want to redeem themselves NOW? Had they not realized the gravity of what they did before sooner? This had to be some kind of lie. And you weren't gonna fall for it. You made that very clear to them before walking.

It was only later on where pure vanilla cookie explained that they were attempting a redemption arc to fix the bond between you. The ancients really did believe them... Why did they believe them?! They had been nothing but pure evil as far as you can remember. Their evil deeds outweighed whatever happy memories you had with them... almost as though you didn't have happy memories.

The beasts tried again and again to at least get you to cast a glance at them but it was fruitless. You walked away from the library when Shadow milk cookie tried talking to you. You completely ignored Eternal sugar cookie trying to enter your room and talk to you. You turned your back on Burning spice cookie when he attempted reaching out for you. You refused to acknowledge Mystic flour cookies attempt of interaction with you. And the silence between You and Silent salt cookie had grown into a deadly kind of quiet, as if none of you had even been together.

They just didn't get it, did they? They betrayed your trust once, what if they do it again? You had to be BEYOND patient with yourself in order to recover and yet they've returned? No, they shouldn't have. They had no idea how many sleepless nights you endured to finally accept they're absence. How much you had to learn to adjust and be patient with yourself to be able to move on. And all that hard work, all that patience, it was gonna crumble because of them.

No, you can't let that happen. You can't just forgive them just like that. Not after everything they've done, to innocent cookies, everything they've done to you. If they really wanted your forgiveness, they'd have to be as patient with you as you were with them when they weren't corrupted. They have to earn your forgiveness, and that was going to take a long time.

You were patient with them, now they must be patient with you. How long they'd have to be patient was unknown, and how long they'd actually remain patient was just as mysterious.

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

Time for a long Aylin ramble, because I haven't indulged in a while.

I'm actually really invested in Aylin being an aasimar! I do not think it is a misnomer or mistake, as I've seen people suggest. She was referred to as a celestial explicitly in some older builds of the game, but this was changed at some point during development. And I noted aasimar enjoyer Oath, quelle surprise prefer it this way for a variety of reasons. Primarily, I think, because it lets her be larger than life, have a touch of that other-worldliness and otherness, while keeping her very much "of this world" still, very (physically and otherwise) present and part of the prime material plane, and ultimately far more human than I believe even she herself would sometimes like to be.

To bring up the most basic and rules/mechanics-bound "creature type" level of categorisation, as an aasimar she is a humanoid, and not a celestial - outsider. Her outsider status is absolutely there and a goldmine of things to explore, but that's a different post sitting in my drafts for far too long that I'll get around to one of these days (but for now you should read this post that I love). Yes, she is in a very real sense above it all, she will outlast everyone around her and whatever she gets involved with. We also get to see her dramatic poetic archaic speech idiosyncrasies (Ho!), her odd sense of the passage of time, and, of course, her oft-discussed and joked about apparent lack of filter or regard for current social graces.

(Endlessly amused at her just going: I'll do it when my mum tells me to.)

All things combined, Aylin feels more like a being of two worlds to me than a guest visiting this one, even as she is called the emissary of a goddess. She embodies a blending and an odd balancing act between the lofty divine and the mundane, duty and preordained purpose and personhood, and touches on the many ways this balance can be tipped. A classic D&D aasimar struggle, really, and a well I am happy to keep returning to.

Balthazar: She was a unique specimen even before I began my work. Aasimar. A god's blood united with mortal flesh.

She honestly isn't even that far from a regular aasimar stat- and ability-wise - Aylin does have several special abilities, but these are flavoured as blessings from her divine mother instead of an inherent property of her as a creature - though, notably, Aylin herself at one point claims she is always reborn because "it is [her] nature".

“Blessed with the favour of a goddess, Nightsong cannot be permanently killed. When unconscious, at the start of her turn she recovers 1 hit point.” “Nightsong will be resurrected by the powers of Selûne whenever she dies.”

Importantly, she does not get to reincarnate, or get a new body, or flit away to her "home plane" or anything like what celestials get to do. She is anchored to this one physical existence (again, very human of her), tied and limited to this one body as it painstakingly repairs itself over and over and over (to a sometimes extreme extent, e.g. the all but outright stated regrowing of amputated body parts in a frankly horrifying context), insistently and indomitably but ultimately imperfectly. And I think that's part of why the kintsugi design drives me utterly wild, why her immortality setup is more interesting to me than, say, a mutant healing factor, or something like the characters in The Old Guard. Her history is pretty literally engraved on her skin, and when she, in the role of a power-granting artefact and the object of a ritual sacrifice, tells you she will feel every wound you inflict upon her, it is so easy to believe her. And I'm not even that invested in physical suffering, just that it means it's all still very palpably there, forever, and she doesn't get to magically restart with a clean slate in this sense, nor does she get to forget past lifetimes as some creatures like devas do. It's just a flavour of immortality I personally find far more engaging than most.

(I mean, yes, I am also a known hurt/comfort sucker and if you're going there in order to set up a scene where she's, I dunno, getting doted on by Isobel who's invented new scar tissue pain relief massage techniques, you know I'm going to be all over that.)

I'm also not sure I'd say she can just pop over to Argentil to hang out with her mum at will. I mean, planeshifting is not that hard to achieve, and also she can just… ask Selûne, ultimately, I guess. But I wouldn't say she has spent much time there, and I think she takes her role as Selûne's champion and representative in the Realms too seriously and too much to heart to be away from them for very long.

Which also calls to mind the issue of the obvious and "simple" answer to Isobel's eventual death - namely that with Isobel picked up as a petitioner soul they'll all just go live out the better part of an eternity in Selûne's realm. Probably in some form they will - it's never guaranteed, but this time, yeah, probably something like that will happen, and there will be, as Melodia says, no loss, only temporary separation. But I'm really not into just handwaving or stripping away most of the mortal/immortal pairing issues inherent in the relationship. If we're going for the "hang out in a different plane of existence forever" option, I think at one point Aylin would have to "complete" her duties and lay down her sword, in a way, and pick between Faerûn and the Gates of the Moon - meaning she herself is effectively moving on to a completely new phase of her existence as well.

And while Selûne carving a lovely marble statue and bringing it to life and similar takes are fun and beautiful and interesting, I'm very invested in an Aylin who was born, raised, and had to actually grow up and learn and be trained. I have a ton of headcanons of Aylin being a weird glowy baby at some point (with all the Disney's Hercules jokes I've seen folks make, of course), being entrusted to a series of Selûnite enclaves and temples and cloisters, hounded by Shar and her agents pretty much all her life.

(Neither here nor there, but Aylin also comes off as a fairly "young" immortal to me - note that I am basing this on absolutely nothing but a general impression and there's no actual hint anywhere about how old she really is. Just vibes.)

To finish up, I'd like to shout out Isobel, and the big humanising factor she is presented as. For instance, a very concrete bit of motivation for Aylin to eventually "humanise" her perception of time, if nothing else.

Aylin without Isobel is horribly depressing to me mostly because she seems to distance herself from her humanity and err on the side of holy duty (see: her epilogue letter, ouch). And Isobel is definitely the person who (invaluably, imo) explicitly and consistently insists on Aylin's humanity and personhood, who cares for her as a woman and not a divine weapon, who actually treats her well-being as a priority, and who understands her so very well and so deeply. Who does acknowledge the gloriously resplendent Dame Aylin, daughter of the Moonmaiden herself in all her awe-inspiring presence and occasionally amusing foibles, but who never fails to look past the titles and fronts even Aylin herself is so keen to put up, and focus on what lies behind it all.

A moment that sticks out to me in particular is her bemoaning Aylin's disregard for her own safety, then actually getting very angry if you suggest Lorroakan can't hurt Aylin:

Isobel: Even after all she's been through, she thinks herself unstoppable - invincible. It all feels like recklessness to me. Player: Lorroakan can't harm her. Have faith. Isobel: He can harm her. Just as Ketheric did. She'll survive it, but she can suffer like any of us - and for longer.

Using Isobel's words verbatim is a good conclusion to my thoughts here, I think: the truth of Aylin being "singular among us all" coexisting with all the ways Aylin is "just like any of us".

And now I'll pay the cute Aylin screenshot tax one last time.

[cry-stars]

Komaeda and Dementia: Part 1 of 5: Introduction and Overview of FTD

Hi everyone!

I’m an aspiring Komaedologist with an interest in dementia. I often see people doubting Komaeda’s stated diagnosis of frontotemporal dementia, since it presents differently in him than in the common portrayal of dementia in the media. While his portrayal may not be completely accurate, there is a lot of truth to it, and there are many symptoms visible in-game. I wanted to share a few posts about dementia symptoms that we do see canonically in Komaeda’s portrayals in SDR2 and DR:AE, and share some information regarding his specific diagnosis as opposed to Alzheimers, for example.

I work with people living with dementia as a recreation worker. This means that I see them living their daily lives, and know about difficulties they might have with recreational or day to day activities. There are a lot of observations that I might make that can’t be backed up scientifically yet, but do make sense in a practical way. Everyone with dementia is different, and since I work with seniors for the most part, some observations won’t transfer onto Komaeda. However, I’ll do my best to back up whatever I can with sources.

This post is just for fun and to give people ideas. It means a lot to me to see a fascinating and endearing character like Komaeda portrayed with dementia, since it is a sad and terminal disease, and I usually see it end badly in my job, so I hope to give people ideas on how to portray it, or just to notice things in a different way they might not have before!

My main sources for this post and the following ones include “Dementia Diaries,” which is a really cool project where people with dementia talk about their experiences, National Institute on Aging, Alzheimer’s Association, Alzheimer’s Society, and my own work experience. I plan on doing more posts about specific symptoms that we see in Komaeda later, but I would be happy to hear from other people who have dementia knowledge, or to answer any questions that I can.

For the most part, I'm only going to be talking about SDR2 and a little bit of DR:AE. I haven't finished watching the anime yet and have not read any of the manga. If anyone has ideas from any of those sources, I would love to hear about them!

Overview of FTD: Which Variant does Komaeda Have?

There are two major forms of frontotemporal dementia. The first, which Komaeda likely has, is the behavioural variant (BvFTD), which is also the most likely for young people to develop. This variant of FTD mainly affects behaviour, empathy, judgement, and planning.

Komaeda is less likely to have the other variant of FTD, primary progressive aphasia. This form of FTD mainly affects language skills, including speech and comprehension.

Komaeda doesn’t seem to have very much trouble with understanding the concrete content of what people say to him, but he does occasionally seem to have trouble fully comprehending hidden meanings behind statements (for example, taking statements literally rather than as sarcastic). To me though, this is less connected to him not being able to understand the words or content of statements, and more not picking up on the emotions hidden in the statements (which I’ll address more in the behavior post). He does seem to have some trouble with word-finding in the Japanese version of the game, but again, it doesn't inhibit his ability to express himself given enough time to speak.

Another thing to note about FTD is that, in its early stages, it mainly affects behaviour and language processing, as stated above, rather than memory. In later stages, memory does start to be affected as well, but it’s different from Alzheimers (probably the most well-known form of dementia) in that memory loss isn’t the main symptom.

FTD’s prognosis is about 6-8 years. Komaeda states in his fifth free time event that his life expectancy is between half a year and one year. However, he is also referring to his lymphoma diagnosis, meaning he expected to die from a combination of both illnesses within that time frame. In SDR2, Komaeda is probably in the early to middle stages of FTD, since he was diagnosed right before entering Hope’s Peak, and was a Remnant of Despair for some time without treatment, so while we can see evidence of memory issues (which I will address in another post), it’s something he’s able to cope with and isn’t a debilitating symptom yet.

One more observation: while dementia as a whole is usually seen in elderly people, Komaeda’s specific frontotemporal dementia diagnosis has an earlier age of onset, usually between ages 40-65, and is rarely seen in elderly people. Even though being diagnosed in high school seems unlikely, it is not impossible. According to Alzheimer Society Canada, early-onset or young-onset dementia (between ages 18 and 65) accounts for 2-8% of all dementia cases.

Thank you for reading! I plan on making five posts total. The other post topics will be Outward Behaviour, Judgement/Thought Processes, Other Symptoms, and Writing Ideas.

[amourningcrow]

Late game spoilers, particulary about Varric! I wasn't able to put this into words before, but now that I've had some time, I think I can actually talk about it. It's a little long though.

I tried to start a new playthrough three times now, but I can't even make it to the ritual side without breaking down. It is, frankly, embarrassing.

But Varric means so, so much to me. I knew deep down that he wouldn't make it out of this alive - that he even survived past DA2 was a surprise to me. The man's got tragic death written all over him! But I still wish we had gotten some more out of him. Some more interactions with the companions, more banter, more relationship dynamics. We never even found out what he would have called the others! (Aside from Neve, who was 'Slick', apparently.)

This isn't even a criticism of the writing! I think it makes sense and fits his character, sadly. (Though it's also the first time they actually managed to make me hate Solas, which is quite a feat.) It's just me being heartbroken about one of - or maybe even my ultimate - comfort character. I played DA2 (and the others, too, but DA2 holds a special place in my heart in this regard) during a time in my life where I was very much just... lost, I guess. God. I think I actually felt physical fucking grief when I went through the Fade prison scene? I was shaking and sobbing the whole time and I don't know if I have it in me again.

I'm a bookseller by trade and Varric loving stories always resonated with me. He's often reduced to being the sarcastic sidekick, but I love all his aspects and complexities so very dearly.

The son who didn't ever quite fit in with the society he grew up in, who couldn't hold up to his parents expectations and so instead refused to be tied down by them, but still had a deep love for his family.

The man who was so tragically in love with a woman he couldn't have that he made her his little secret, keeping Bianca's identity even from his best friends. Who probably still didn't let go of his yearning all those years later, maybe because it was easier than opening up and getting hurt again.

The one who was always bickering with Cassandra, this steely woman he was always at odds with, but still wrote her a continuation for his romance series he didn't even think was good because beneath all of his veneer, he still cared.

Who was presented with this half-spirit half-boy and saw just a squirrely kid who needed some help to find his place in the world. (And yeah, this is special to me. Because god damn it, I never had someone like that growing up, and I would have given all my limbs and a kidney for it.)

Who was so, so full of compassion himself, despite all the shit the world had already thrown at him.

I don't know. Maybe I just have a thing for people who try to lock their hurt away so not even they, themselves, have to confront it. (Maybe because I'm a little like that myself and maybe that's why I like Lucanis so much, as well. Damn you, Mary Kirby.)

But anyway. Sorry for the vent. I just needed someplace to share this, I guess. I don't know what to do with this hole in my chest, but props to Bioware (and damn you again, Mary Kirby) for putting it there, because it's definitely not normal for me to care this much. I wasn't even this sad when I had to leave my Hawke in the Fade. Maybe they'll finally find each other again, wherever they are now 💔

[vickytaa]

You are not alone.

summery: You have a toxic relationship with a guy named Harry. But since you entered, you knew there was no way out.

wc: 4k

a/n: please, if you are or know anyone who is in this situation, please do not hesitate to talk to someone to get out of there. Communicate with a helpline for victims of violence, talk with a friend, family, professor, or someone who you trust. It's important to remember that you are not to blame for what's happening and that you deserve to live free of violence.

I didn't really want to be at that party, but my boyfriend, Harry, insisted so much on coming that I ended up accepting. He.. wasn't the best, under everyone's gaze he was the best boyfriend we all would love to have, but every time we were alone, the only thing he would do was mistreat me and tell me anything he wanted.

His clothes weren't ironed? Slam. The food wasn't ready? Slam. Isn't the house clean? Slam.

That's my day to day.

I knew I had to stop this. It wasn't good for me. But I didn't know who to tell this, everyone thought he was perfect, including my best friends. But Matthew was the only one who noticed the discomfort in my eyes every time Harry was near. Matthew and I were just friends, we weren’t so near, but I knew I could count on him whenever I needed it. He was the only person who was there when I was at a bad moment.

“Come on, let's just go!” Harry shouted from the living room. I heard him sigh hard, making me understand that he was angry. “Oh my god, you take too long. You are useless!” He shouted again.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror, just to make sure I was presentable. I was wearing a mini black dress and a pair of black leather boots that matched my dress, with my hair in a ponytail. I walked down the stairs quickly for him not to keep complaining.

“That's how you are going? You look like a slut” I was speechless. I looked at him without believing what he had just said, even though he always used to tell me things like that, but they always hurt the same way, even more. After standing still for a couple of seconds, I was able to say, “Uhm.. I can change into something else if you wa-” “No, it's already too late and if you change again the party will end. Come on.”

We both got in the car when a huge silence started to invade the interior. “You must behave well. We'll be the perfect couple, just like usual, alright?”. He said while he took off his hand from the wheel to let it rest on my thigh, making pressure, a bit, too hard.

I nodded my head. I feared what he could or would do if anyone found out that we weren't the perfect couple that we said we were. The suffering I experienced day by day, crying every night, without being able to leave this endless loop.

We arrived, and before we got out, Harry grabbed my arm firmly and looked me in the eyes. I felt a strong pressure on my chest that prevented me from breathing easily. I knew what was going on.

“You know that I love you, right?” He said while smiling at me. It was all so fake. I knew he didn’t like me not even a little bit, he was just doing this to have a ‘good reputation’, but why? I didn’t know, don’t want to know either. I didn’t answer him, turned my head to try again on opening the door. Harry grabbed me stronger than before to the point it seemed like it was going to leave a mark on me. “Auch! Let me go!” I whined. “You love me to, don’t ya’?” “Yes Harry.” Disgusting. How could I lie that much? I didn’t want him even nearby. I wanted to get away from him as much as I could. But I replied to him just for him to let go my arm and finally get somewhere with more people than just the two of us.

When we entered, the tension I had before, a little freed. I had decided that I was going to enjoy tonight, and what was happening after I wouldn’t care. I just wanted to feel good, at least for a while.

“Hey babe, I’m going there with my friends, if anything happens just tell me” He finished and gave me a kiss. I smiled and went directly to the bar to drink something and clear my mind. I needed to find a way out of the relationship with him.

“Just a Margarita please” I asked the boy who made the drinks. “Make it two” I heard someone say behind me. I turned around to see who it was, and there he was. Matthew Sturniolo, the one and only. “Hi, what’s up? I didn’t know you were coming tonight” Before I could respond to him, I had to look at him. Matt was everything that I wanted, brown hair, tall, handsome, he knew how to dress up, gentleman, but, above all, his smile was the most beautiful. He was wearing a black jean with a black shirt, and obviously with his pinky ring.

“I would have worn something better” he said, seeing that I hadn’t said anything yet. He knew how to make me smile naturally. “And.. Why did you decide to come here today? From the little we talked; I think you don’t like coming to parties at all." Matthew said, sitting next to me.

“Harry forced me to come. I was looking for an excuse to go, but you came so…” “So, you’re going to keep pretending that your relationship with Harry it’s perfect just to please him?” I wanted to deny it, but in the deep I knew he was right. Besides, his blue eyes that shined despite the poor lighting in the place could make me reveal any secret. Matt looked at how my gaze moved down slowly, knowing that what he said was right, so he decided to put his hand on my shoulder, “Hey, it’s okey that you are afraid, but this is making you bad. It’s killing you. I don’t want to see you like this anymore. You know that you can count on me if you ever want to tell Harry how you feel” My gaze met his again and I smiled. How I loved him, it was indescribable, despite the little we talked, he was the person who I had most trust on. “Thank you” “You look beautiful today, you should be careful with the boys out there” His hand running over my body to my leg, and moving his thumb up and down, tracing patterns that, no matter how much I don’t want to admit it, they made me very hot.

When I came back to reality, I started to look for Harry with my eyes, I knew that if he found out that I was talking with his non-friend, he would he was going to punish me badly. But luckily, I saw that he was taking his ‘medicine’ with his friends’ drug addicts.

So, I brought my mouth closer to Matt’s ear and said “You know… you also look very cute today… I would like to take you somewhere..” I said seductively. “Oh yes? What are you doing with your boyfriend? He might get angry” “Shh.. I’ll take care of that later, for now, we should take this..” I said while grabbing his car keys that were too close to Matt’s clear budge. “And go to somewhere quieter”. Matt looked at me while I stood up from my seat and started going towards the entrance, every now and then looking back just to make sure he was following me. His eyes stuck at my ass, how that black dress accentuated my curves, and trying to guess what underwear I was wearing, just like he could see through my short dress.

“I love that plan” he said. He turned around to check if anyone was looking, and when he assured, he grabbed me and held me under my knees and behind my back. My lips curled into a smirk. He carried me all the way to the car. I loved how he could make me feel the happiness I’ve never felt with Harry, and he always does it naturally, just like he was meant to make people feel happy.

Matt grabbed the wheel with one hand, and the other one rested on my thigh. His gaze stayed on the road but sometimes strayed to me. I couldn’t stop looking at him. The way he would make me forget about everything made me happy. The tattoos embedded in his skin were exposed as he had rolled up his shirt sleeves. He was hot. One of the thousands of thoughts that ran through my mind were how delicate, brown, soft hair would look and feel in the middle of my legs, God, what’s happening with me? Harry must be worried because I’m not there with him. He would kill me if he knew I was going.. wait.. where are we going? I’ve never asked, and Matt just started driving. “Matthew, where are we going?” I wasn’t worried, I knew Matt would drive us somewhere safe, but just curious. “My house, darling, Chris and Nick, will come back on Monday, and I thought why not?” Oh god, home alone he said? I hope my whises will finally come true.

I knew it was fucked out, but I didn’t care, I needed a break from Harry. I needed to get away from him.

When we arrived, Matt got out of the car and ran quickly to open my door. He offered his hand and helped me to get out. “Wow, what a gentleman” I looked over my shoulder just to see a smirk on his face. We entered the house; it was my first time there. The place was very cozy, and it felt more like home than I ever felt at mine with Harry. Matt sat down on the couch and patted a place next to him, inviting me to sit there. I sat and hugged him gently, like a ‘thank you for this’. He turned on the TV and put on Netflix. “Wanna’ see anything, sweetheart?” “Anything is okay, I just wan’ be with you”. He looked into my eyes with that look that melted you, smiling with his light pink lips, and his white teeth were well aligned. I looked at him, and then at his slips, I’ve never paid attention to how good they looked, I wanted to kiss them.

He decided to put “Sister Death”. I’ve always been fan of horror movies, although I suffer a bit watching it, the sensation on my chest, little scares and the tension always, I loved it.

Matt grabbed a blanket next to him and covered both of us. Despite none of us were talking, the silence was comfortable, being with him relaxed me. He was always helping, listening and talking to me. Simply it was like having a person where you can be yourself and talk about things you don’t usually talk about.

We were watching the film cuddling, and every now and then a gasp leaves my lips, or I would get scared by something and jump a little. I was really into the movie, but every time I got a sight of Matt, anger was very visible, and it seemed like it was growing by everything I did.

“Everything alright?” I asked. “You should stop doing that” Matt turned his gaze to focus on me. “Do what? This?” I said before leaning forward his ear and started breathing heavily, moving slightly, simulating jumps. “You are driving me crazy” Matt said. “I know you love it”. I began to climb onto his lap. His hands that were previously on my shoulder, moved to my waist, squeezing it slightly and moving forward my ass. I cupped his face, my hands on his cheeks, smiling absolutely dazzled by his beauty. Every time I would get nearer to his face, I could feel his breath speeding up. “You are so pretty, y/n” “And you are so handsome”. He took one hand off my body to brush a few strands of hair away from my face. We stared at each other for a moment before I crashed my lips onto his, with a soft kiss that quickly turned into a much hungrier and fuller passion. His tongue licked my bottom lip to ask for permission. And that’s how we started to taste each other. My hips started to move back and forth, repeatedly and unconsciously, while he leaned me stronger and stronger on the clear bulge in his pants.

I took my lips off his to take a breath, Matt took advantage and began trailing kisses from my jawline to my collarbone, passing by my neck, leaving very visible hickeys. “Matt” I whispered. It was heaven, the delicacy with which he did it was unmatched. He never broke eye contact between the two. His hands started to explore my body until he reached the straps that held up my dress. He looked for approval, and I quickly nodded my head. Without thinking twice, he started to lower them, and he was taking his time, trying to make it the best way possible. The temperature rose faster and faster as our bodies met.

When he finally finished, he could see my body naked, only for him. His eyes traveled all over my body, along with his hands. “I need you” was the only thing I could think of.

It was a long, almost endless night. Every time our eyes met it was as if time slowed down. Our rapid breathing combined with my screams were like blessings to his ears. The bed being the only witness of the love and warmth between us. The fatigue never left, but the satisfaction was greater, making our experience endless. We both fell asleep in each other's arms, knowing that this had to be repeated, despite being prohibited.

☆

As the sun began to rise, I slowly opened my eyes to find Matthew sound asleep, holding me tightly as if he didn't want me to leave. But I had to. Harry must be worried because I left yesterday without telling him. So, I decided to get up, giving Matt a kiss on the forehead as a goodbye. I got dressed in my clothes but kept his T-shirt on over my dress. Before leaving his room, I looked back at him, and a deep sadness washed over me. I knew I couldn't be with him, no matter how much I wanted to. Harry was so toxic, and if I ever tried to leave him, he would chase me. I felt trapped. The feeling of not being able to break free haunts me every day.

When I got home, I saw Harry asleep on the couch. What did he want from me? I went to bed trying to figure out what I would tell him if he asked, but my mind couldn't stop replaying last night. All that passion between us. I decided to get some sleep, to wait for hell to come. A long time later, I woke up to Harry's yelling and pushing. He was always angry with me, but this time it was different, it was worse. I quickly got up, and Harry grabbed my hair, pulling my ear close to his mouth so I could hear his complaints. "Who the hell were you with yesterday?!" he yelled repeatedly as my eyes filled with tears and some rolled down my cheeks. The air was stuck in my throat, my body felt numb to the blows. "Answer me!" he continued to shout, but I no longer felt alive. Matthew's image in my head was the only thing keeping me awake. When Harry finally let go of me, after seeing that I was no longer crying or complaining, he walked away and went to the kitchen. He ignored me completely for the rest of the day, something I was grateful for.

The nights that followed were pure hell. He beat and abused me mercilessly, paying no heed to my desperate pleas. His cruel words sent my anxiety and depression soaring. I called in sick to work that week, but I was really drowning in tears, trying to mend the damage he'd done. Matthew had bombarded me with messages and calls, but Harry had confiscated my phone to keep me isolated and silent. Matt must have known something was wrong, but he was helpless without knowing my whereabouts or who to turn to. I had vanished without a trace, and whenever anyone inquired about me, Harry would lie and say I was ill, keeping up the facade.

On Saturday night, Harry announced we were going to a party. After what felt like an eternity, I was finally going to escape our house, my personal hell. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a black top, throwing on a jacket to cover the worst of it. As I stepped into the bathroom to change, I met my reflection. The marks of my suffering stared back at me – the cuts I'd inflicted upon myself, as if the abuse he inflicted wasn't enough. I was a stranger in my own skin, a frightened stranger. I quickly changed and started applying makeup to conceal the bruises and scratches marring my face. Tears streamed down my cheeks, falling into the sink. My hands trembled uncontrollably as I worked. Emerging from the bathroom, I stood by the door, waiting for Harry.

He descended the stairs and approached me, his grip tightening on my arm. "You've been very sick, but you're all better now, aren't you?" he sneered. I nodded, trapped beneath his power. "You better not take that jacket off and show anyone those marks, or you'll never leave this place again," he threatened. I nodded again, fear choking my words.

We arrived, and as we stepped inside, Harry took my hand. I wanted it all to end—the relationship with Harry, the lies, the abuse, the pain, the anguish. "Honey, I'm going to catch up with my friends. It's been ages," he said before leaning in and whispering, "Don't do anything stupid, or there will be consequences." I felt my body go weak for a moment. He smiled and walked away. I forced a smile in return and headed to the bar. "A glass of water, please," I said, scanning the crowd for a familiar face but finding none. I was alone, as always. When the bartender handed me the glass, I gulped it down as if I hadn't had water in days.

I watched Harry from afar, his scent filling the air. That familiar cologne that would be impossible to forget. I turned to find him standing behind me. "Hey," he said. Tears welled up in my eyes as I threw my arms around him. "What happened? Why weren't you answering my messages or calls?" After a moment, I pulled back. "Harry took my phone. He's been abusing me, Matt. I need your help." I cried uncontrollably. "What? What did he do to you?" he asked, his voice filled with disbelief. How could I possibly explain the hell I'd been living in? "Ever since that night...when we... Harry's been terrible. He hits me, calls me horrible names, and won't let me eat. He took my phone so I couldn't contact anyone." I buried my face in my hands as I spoke. Matt pulled me closer, his eyes filled with anger and sadness.

He began to scan the room, his gaze darting from person to person. "What are you doing?" I asked. Ignoring me, he started moving through the crowd. I had no idea what he was up to, but I followed him. When he stopped, I finally understood.

"What the hell do you want, and what are you doing with my girlfriend?" Matt ignored him, standing there defiantly. Confused and high, Harry stepped up to Matt, their eyes locking. "I said, what the hell do you want and what are you doing with my fucking girlfriend?" "You're going to regret calling her that," Matt snarled, punching Harry square in the face. A brawl erupted, and a crowd quickly gathered around them. I wanted to stop them, but I knew it would only make things worse.

"Matt, stop!" I screamed when Harry fell to the ground, motionless. His face was a bloody mess, and Matt's hands were covered in blood. "I hope you learned your lesson. Do you understand?" Matt demanded, yanking Harry up by his shirt. Harry nodded weakly and collapsed back to the ground. The combined effects of the drugs and the beating were too much.

Matt finally released him, and the party resumed as if nothing had happened. He found me and pulled me into a tight embrace. I was shaking, terrified of what might happen to him. "Let's get your things. You can't stay with him after what he's done," Matt said. I nodded, and we rushed to my car. As we drove away, we sat in silence for a moment. "You didn't have to do that," I started, but he cut me off. "I don't care what he might do to you or me. What matters is that you're safe with me now, and we'll face whatever comes together."

I couldn't believe it; I was finally escaping this living hell. Euphoria washed over me. I turned to Matt and smiled, and he returned the gesture as he started the car. "You shouldn't have had to go through all that he put you through," Matt broke the silence. I didn't know what to say. For so long, Harry had twisted my mind, making me believe I was the worst person in the world, that everything I did against him was deserved, and that I was worthy of even harsher punishments. He'd made me believe I deserved more than just his abuse, which is why, whenever I was alone, I would rush to the bathroom and inflict pain upon myself.

So lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice Matt gently taking my arm and rolling up the sleeve of my jacket. When he saw the scars, his eyes filled with a mixture of sadness and anger. He was heartbroken by the damage I had endured, and even more so by the fact that I had been hurting myself to please Harry.

"Y/N... why did you do this to yourself?" I still didn't have a clear answer. The recent events had been overwhelming, and I guess I had found a way to externalize my pain. Matt took my hand and kissed it. "I love you, and I want you to know that we're going to get through this together." I looked at him and smiled. His words were like balm to my soul, soothing my pain and filling my mind with hope.

"Thank you."

I've been wanting to post this for soo longgg. hope you like it.

love ya :))

[mymoodwriting]

Because You're Mine

Female!Reader x Werewolf!SKZ

Genre: A/B/O

Warning: Suppressants, Numbness, Social Event, Reunions, Jealousy, Nesting

Words: 3K

Chapter Nine

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Prompt: With omegas completely removed from society, they needed their own communities and institutions to grow. All your life you had lived and gone to school alongside your fellow omegas, and orphaned alphas. You had managed to keep yourself together, but now at the university level, keeping your secret had grown impossible. You had to face your fears and make friends with an alpha eventually, and now was the time.

“I don’t feel any different…”

You’ve been taking suppressants for a few days now, but there wasn’t really any change. You were starting to think Chan lied to you, that the supposed suppressants were some sort of placebo pill. So you brought it up to him, rather face the situation head on than just try to figure out what was going on. Your words made Chan chuckle, and you didn’t know what to make of it.

“The effects won’t happen right away. They’re gradual, and not feeling anything is kinda the goal.”

“Huh?”

“You’re going to be suppressing your nature, so your senses are gonna be numbed up. You certainly won’t feel things the same way you do now.”

“Oh…”

“Give it some more time, and see how you feel. You can always stop too, just let me know.”

“Alright.”

Another week goes by before things actually change, both for your physical state and your education. You were back in class now, although you were in new ones. In each of your classes you had one of the alphas with you, and sometimes either Jisung, Felix, or both, were there too. You honestly thought these co-ed classes would be very different, but they were similar to what you had been dealing with before. It kinda felt like normal, as if nothing really drastic had changed while you were gone.

You honestly had been dreading returning to class for fear of being bombarded with unwanted attention and questions, but you really didn’t get any of that. Your peers in the class were different, the atmosphere itself was not like before too. In these co-ed classes there was an air of seriousness that’s not entirely present in the omega classes. Thinking about it now, it made sense, the alphas here were serious, and such things would rub off on the omegas even if they didn’t realize. Besides not drawing much attention, the other alphas didn’t really let you socialize. They still had their own classes, so there wasn’t much time to mingle as they had to hand you off to your next classmate and be on their way.

Being surrounded by a lot of people once more, it certainly pushed you back towards Jisung and Felix. Communication with them had been practically non-existent lately, as you still felt hurt, but now with classes it felt natural to talk. At first it was mostly about assignments and a short exchange of words, but slowly you opened up to them again. Despite everything they were still your friends, and they understood you better than the alphas. Things were certainly getting back to normal for you and you didn’t really realize why until a particular night. You were alone in the living room, doing some late night studying. As far as you knew the others were asleep, but all of a sudden there was someone peeking over your shoulder.

“Whatcha working on?”

You screamed and moved away, very startled. Jeongin was quickly apologizing and backing away, not wanting to make matters worse.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Why did you sneak up on me!”

“I didn’t! I thought you heard me, or at least smelled me.”

“Well I didn’t!”

“Huh?”

“I… wait… I didn’t… how come I didn’t…”

Your screaming had of course woken the others, and soon enough you had half-asleep alphas and omegas piling into the living room.

“What happened!?” Changbin asked. “Is everyone okay!?”

“I’m fine.” Jeongin answered. “I just scared y/n, by accident.”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t smell him.” You mumbled. “Or heard him…”

“That’s the suppressants.” Chan explained. “I told you your senses were going to get dull. I guess you haven’t realized until now. Even your own scent isn’t as prevalent. There’s not really any of it left in the dorm now.”

“Oh…”

“Since we’re all here, let’s make a note of this and be careful with y/n. You shouldn’t have been sneaking around anyway, Jeongin.”

“I wasn’t!”

“You’re okay though, right y/n?” Seungmin asked.

“Yeah, yeah, just caught off guard. You can all go back to bed.”

The boys slowly scattered, returning to their rooms, although Minho lingered for a while more. He noticed you were still processing what you had just learned.

“Are you sure you’re alright? Do you want to talk?”

“There’s not much to talk about. It’s the suppressants.”

“Yeah, but how do you feel?”

“Uh… well honestly… I feel kinda sick… but I’m not, right?”

“No. Using suppressants isn’t unheard of. It may be a bit unnatural, but it’s not a major detriment to your health. You’re fine.”

“I guess so.”

Minho didn’t leave until he was sure you’d be alright. You stayed with your own thoughts for a while longer before deciding to head to bed. You weren’t gonna get any work done after all this. You ended up lying in bed for a while before you actually managed to sleep. Come morning you realized there wasn’t much different about you, especially when compared to your last few days. You got out of bed and prepared for class like normal. As you stepped out of your room you found Felix at the dining table having breakfast. You noticed his sweater draped over the chair next to him and without asking you grabbed it and held it up to your nose. You took in a deep breath, but only got a faint whiff of Felix’s scent.

“What are you doing?”

“Testing something out… I really can’t pick up on your scent…”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. It’s very faint. No wonder Jeongin snuck up on me.”

Felix reached over and pulled you close, grabbing a piece of shirt and smelling it. After a moment he shook his head.

“I smell more laundry detergent than you.”

“Huh. You’re okay though right, you’re not sick.”

“I’m perfectly fine.” Felix assured. “Guess you’re like a ninja now too. You could easily sneak up on us if you wanted to.”

“Yeah… like I’m invisible…”

That revelation began to explain the lack of attention on you. Sure, in   classes a bunch of scents mingled but yours practically didn’t exist. There wasn’t anything appealing about you, so your peers left you alone. Some might expect you to be a bit sad over this, but you were actually quite pleased. In a way, you didn’t have to worry about everyone else. You could just exist among them in peace. It also explained why you had been a lot more at ease in the dorm and classes. You couldn’t pick up on all the scents of the alphas around you, so naturally you weren’t tense or afraid. You were okay.

Of course this all had a side effect of feeling a bit numb and broken, but you’d take it for helping you just get through your days. Although on occasion you’d find yourself staring out into the woods. You still wanted to know what was out there, especially now since you considered yourself to be stable. Yet you knew that running away was impossible, so it was nothing but a dream, one that was slowly fading away. You focused on just making the most of your days and enjoying your classes. Things seemed so mundane and normal until one day after class you were handed a flier for a party.

You were confused since there weren’t any co-ed dorms, and this party was open to all. Upon further examination you could see this party was hosted by the student board and was meant to be an end of the semester-type celebration. You didn’t think too much of it, big social events like that certainly weren’t for you. So for the time being you just stuffed the flier in your bag and went about your day. When you returned to the dorm later you set your things out in the living room, the flier just sticking out of your bag. You thought nothing of it until Chan came over, wanting to see what you were working on when the flier caught his attention.

“Oh, the end of the semester unwind.”

“Huh?”

“The party.” Chan showed you the flier. “You want to go?”

“Oh, that, you know a party isn’t really my thing.”

“It would be a good experience though. Not many get to go to party, so it’s cool the school board is hosting one. You wouldn’t have to worry about scents either.”

“True…”

“I heard party!” Jisung came over and took the flier from Chan. “This is awesome! We totally have to go as a pack!”

“A pack?”

“Oh, right, I meant as a dorm. It could be a great bonding experience for all of us!”

“I don’t know…”

“We should.” Felix chimed in, having overheard the convo. “It would be a lot of fun.”

“Hm…”

“Please.”

“Pretty please.” Jisung added. “It’ll be a good time.”

“Fine, but when I want to leave I will.”

“That works.”

The others in the dorm were eventually told about the party and that we would all be going together. It was nothing fancy, so you just needed to dress casually and comfortably. The boys seemed excited for the night, but you were a bit nervous. You’ve never really been to a party before. At least you didn’t have to worry about all the scents overwhelming you, or you hoped that would be the case.

“Hyunjin…”

“Hm?”

“How is it that a party like this is even allowed…?”

“It’s for the social aspect. We’re all still gonna be close or at least around each other after graduation, we should know each other better. Besides, we all need a break from classes.”

“Yeah…”

“You know you don’t have to go, if you really don’t want to.”

“I know, but I should experience this at least once.”

When you arrived at the party area you could see it had been decorated and the music playing gave it a lively atmosphere. You were nervous at first glance but once inside you could relax a bit. The scents didn’t hit you strongly and they were all mixed together you couldn’t really identify a single one. It put you at ease, and you stuck near the alphas for the most part. That was the plan as they’d know better than you what to do in such a place, but there were a lot of people and before you knew it you were lost in the crowd and separated from them. You stood  by yourself, surrounded by strangers, unsure of what to do.

“Y/n!”

You heard your name being called but you couldn’t recognize the voice. Still, you looked around for the source, not seeing anyone familiar. Although soon enough you found a boy standing before you.

“Hey.”

The boy had a simple smile on his face, happiness reflected in his eyes. You didn’t really recognize him, and he seemed to notice. Yet that did nothing to sour his mood.

“I guess it has been a while. I’m Gunil.”

“Gunil… from high school…”

“Yup. Long time not see.”

You were rather stunned by the revelation, needing a moment to process. Gunil was the alpha who had a crush on you back in high school. The year after the incident he was moved to a different class and you didn’t see him anymore, and he never approached you either. It was the least of your worries back then, and it made things easier for you in hindsight. You honestly couldn’t believe he was standing before you, and you weren’t sure how to feel.

“You… you remember me…”

“I’d never forget such a beautiful face. Let’s go talk somewhere less nosy.”

Before you could answer, Gunil took your hand and led you away from the main party. You didn’t go too far, just finding a less crowded place to talk.

“It’s really good to see you. I didn’t think I’d run into you like this.”

“The feeling is mutual…”

“Yeah. Can’t believe it’s been so many years. I should probably apologize for being such a bother to you back then. Although I was really smitten by you, still, sorry.”

“… you were polite…”

“I’m glad I wasn’t so annoying, but I have to say you’re still the prettiest omega I know.”

“… Gunil…”

Even if you felt a bit awkward, his compliments were making you shy. He noticed and tried to not make things weirder, asking if you wanted to get some drinks. You agreed and the two of you went to the drink table. You didn’t want to drink any alcohol, so you found some soda, and he got the same.

“So… uh… how have you been?”

“Good, I guess. My classes aren’t difficult.”

“Are you in co-ed or omegas only?”

“Co-ed… I get to learn more that way. What about you, what have you been up to?”

“The normal stuff for alphas, classes and training. I think I’m doing well, one of the top in my classes.”

“You always were.”

“I guess some things never change.”

“Yeah…”

“Y/n! There you are!”

You heard your name and were then yanked away from Gunil. You quickly found yourself face to face with Seungmin.

“We’ve all been so worried since you just disappeared.”

“I’m fine…”

“Yeah, I can see.” Seungmin’s gaze turned to the other. “Is he bothering you?”

“Huh? Gunil, no, he’s just an old… friend…”

“Friend? Okay, well it’s time to go.”

“What?”

Seungmin just started pulling you along, but you only moved a few steps before Gunil grabbed your other arm to hold you back.

“Wait. We should catch up sometime.” Gunil put his drink down and quickly got out a pen, writing a number on your hand. “Text me.”

“Uh… yeah, sure.”

You heard a low growl from Seungmin before he pulled Gunil’s hand off you and then led you away. For a moment you thought he’d take you back to the others, but he meant it when he said it was time to go. You left the party and made your way back to the dorm. It was just the two of you there.

“You know… you really didn’t have to do that.” You told Seungmin. “I was fine… which is also a bit surprising to me.”

“Is it?”

“Well, I wasn’t really scared… and the scents weren’t so strong that they’d affect me.”

“So you had no problem chatting up some random alpha.”

“He approached me, helped me out cause I was alone and lost. You didn’t have to drag me out.”

“… sorry… I got in my own head thinking you needed a rescue and weren’t comfortable…”

“It’s whatever. I’m tired anyway, so I’m gonna head to bed.”

“Sure. Let me know if you need anything.”

“I know.”

You retreated to your room, throwing yourself on your bed. You simply laid there for a moment before looking at your palm, seeing the number on it. Without realizing it you smiled, amused at how that whole interaction went down. You put the number down in your phone before getting up to wash it off and clean yourself up. After a shower you were dressed in pajamas and drying your hair as Jisung and Felix came in. They threw themselves on your bed, and going by the smiles on their faces, they likely had a few drinks.

“I see you had a good night.”

“Absolutely.” Jisung giggled. “You shouldn’t have left so early.”

“It was fine.”

“Sorry we lost you.” Felix added. “We were looking for you until Seungmin told us he found you and took you home.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad the rest of you had fun.”

“Let’s all sleep together.” Jisung suggested. “I wanna sleep in a cuddle pile. Omegas only of course.”

“I don’t know.”

“Please, pretty please, we’d be so warm and cozy together.”

“Okay, okay, but you two gotta clean up first.”

“Yes! We can make a nest together!”

The two stuck around for a moment longer before going off to clean up. You figured you’d get a head start with the nest, getting some pillows and blankets and setting things up in the living room. A while later the boys came to join you, bringing along some more blankets and pillows. A few of the alphas noticed what you were up to, but let you do your own thing. They wished you good night as they went to bed. You guys got some snacks and turned the TV on, watching a show. This was more your thing than some big party. You all slowly drifted off, one by one, the TV acting as white noise. You all slept peacefully, you wound up waking up late into the night, hearing whimpers.

“Hm… Jisung…?”

You lazily opened your eyes, seeing Jisung at your side tossing about. He seemed to be panting a bit, showing signs of discomfort. You got up and shook him gently, trying to get him to wake up.

“Jisung… Jisung, get up…”

It wasn’t working, but you kept trying. Then your fingers brushed against exposed skin and you realized he was hot. You placed your palm against his head, realizing he was burning up. You quickly went over to Felix, shaking him awake almost immediately.

“… what…?”

“Go get the alphas, Jisung is running a fever.”

Felix was still half asleep as you ushered him to get up and go. You got back to Jisung, still trying to get him up. He opened his eyes for a moment, seeming to be out of it.

“… y/n…”

“Yeah, I’m right here. You’re gonna be-”

“Y/n, get away from him.”

You were suddenly pulled to your feet and pulled away from Jisung. You stared at Minho with confusion, but he didn’t say anything. He took you back to your room, and then you saw Felix being escorted by Changbin to your room as well.

“What’s going on? Jisung-”

“He’ll be okay.” Changbin said. “But I need you both to stay here tonight.”

“Huh?”

“Just promise me you’ll stay here. We’ll take care of Jisung, so don’t worry.”

“You’re making us worry.” Felix mumbled. “Isn’t it just a fever…?”

“Not exactly.”

Minho sighed. “Jisung is going into heat. Obviously your senses wouldn’t really know what’s going on, especially y/n since she’s on suppressants, but that doesn’t mean he can’t trigger either of you. One omega going into heat for the first time is gonna be a handful, so for all our sakes, just stay here until morning.”

“Oh…”

[twig-tea]

Love in the Big City TV Series Episodes 5 & 6: Kylie Once Again Recontextualizes Everything

Thanks as always to @lurkingshan and @bengiyo for the wrangling and discussion questions!

I already wrote about the relationship between Gyu-Ho and Yeong in this part, so I wanted to focus on something else for book club. And after working on the timeline in the series, I decided to revisit my meta for Part 3 of the novel, in which I wrote about how Kylie recontextualizes everything that came before we knew about her. I’d like to do the same here for the series while reflecting on the differences.  Knowing when his mother died, the T-aras being present through the whole story, and starting the story after Kylie are the three big changes that I think worked really well in this adaptation, and all of these changes mean that the revelation about Kylie in episodes 5-6 hit a little differently than in the book. 

[screenshot from this post by @how-to-be-a-tree]

With the revelation in this part that Yeong went to the military a few months before the T-aras, we now know that Yeong had recently contracted HIV just before the series began.The hints in episode 1 that he was struggling (hadn’t been going to class, doing odd jobs and asking for the extra clothes) make more sense. It also recontextualizes the aggressive kiss in the club where he kissed that stranger so hard he bled. This also means that, unlike in the novel, he meets and befriends Mi Ae after he was already diagnosed, and since he tells Gyu-Ho that he’s the only one Yeong’s ever told, we know he never told Mi Ae either. Watching them hold each other’s hands as they whisper their secrets in the dark takes a new sad tint to it knowing that Yeong could not trust her with his deepest shame.

[screenshot from this post by @maletimbe]

I wonder if part of his strong reaction to her outing him to Jun Ho was because he had been wanting to tell her, and it was painful knowing he could never trust her with that secret. I wonder if that’s why he doesn’t go to the T-aras after his fight with Mi Ae, but goes to Nam Gyu instead, because he wouldn’t be able to explain to the T-aras why he was so hurt, and on some level the T-aras have already rejected that part of him so he can’t trust them with that vulnerability. 

I wonder if sending the T-aras off at Karaoke reminded him of Kylie and is part of what pushed him to break up with Nam Gyu. After his fallout with Mi Ae, when Yeoung is telling Nam Gyu to find someone braver than him, I wonder if he was thinking about Kylie.

When he goes to Nam Gyu’s funeral and asks how he died, I am pretty sure just by the way that scene was performed that he was thinking about Kylie and wondering whether he killed him–and it makes that revelation hit double-hard, that Nam Gyu was killed in a car accident speeding, because it just reinforced his worst fear: he had gotten Nam Gyu killed, just not in the way he thought. [I don’t actually hold Yeong accountable for Nam Gyu’s decision to speed, but I can imagine Yeong took it that way]. 

I wonder if Yeong was attracted to Yeong Su partially because of the way he tries to help his mother, who is an addict–there’s something in the way social stigma against addicts and poz folks is similar (partially because needle sharing is a way to contract HIV), and how acceptance of those states of being can often come together. I wonder if that's why he could take Yeong Su's more heteronormative kdrama lead style romance when it irritated him in Nam Gyu.

In any case, Yeong having HIV through that relationship and hiding it from Yeong Su makes his reading of Yeong Su’s article about the  immorality of being gay hit even harder. I also think about how irregular his schedule was then, and how bad he was at taking his medication regularly and on time. And knowing that there are restrictions to travel and to moving places, I wonder if part of his rage at Yeong Su moving to America was about knowing that even if Yeong Su had asked, he could not have joined him (you can travel to the USA with HIV but it can be difficult to get a green card). Honestly he was probably too hit with the betrayal and callous rejection to do that full calculus in his head in that moment but I wanted an excuse to use this gif because watching Yeoung punch Yeong Su is good for the spirit:

It also recontextualizes the scenes with his mother, and how much she cared about appearances and judgment, and how she contextualized her own disease as a punishment from God, so how could he not do the same about his own? When overdoses on pills, and his mother tells him not to be in a rush to die, I wonder if the hospital successfully did not disclose his HIV status to her during that period.

Seeing the T-aras there and so worried about him must have been healing even if they still don’t know about this major part of him; he knows they love and care for him and want him alive. Yeong not telling the T-aras about his application to the company because he’s afraid of being rejected for his HIV status tells me that he still hasn’t told the T-aras about Kylie through Part 3; I’m not sure he ever will. But there are people in our lives who we love and who love us in return who we keep secrets from; it means there will always be a level of distance, but it does not mean we aren’t important to each other. 

His mother dying at the beginning of Part 3 is a significant detail that we don’t get in the book, and it made me rethink why Parts 1 and 2 did not mention Kylie at all. In the series, we have Yeong writing Part 1 in episodes 1-2, Part 2 in episodes 3-4, and Part 3 in episodes 5-6. We know he wanted his mother to never know about Kylie, and we know that she followed his literary career and kept copies of his work even if she won’t read them. So it makes sense that he could only write about having HIV and incorporating that into his narrative after her death. I also wonder if Yeong being willing to open up to Gyu-Ho about Kylie has to do with his mother’s death: One of his reasons for keeping the secret so carefully is no longer present.

This isn't recontextualized because by the time we see this we know about Kylie, but how much of Yeong's fixation on Gyu-Ho's silent sleeping and needing to check he's still breathing has to do with his fear that Gyu-Ho still hasn't settled into the relationship and is tip-toeing around him, and how much of it has to do with his fear of giving Gyu-Ho HIV and making him ill? They're barely having sex so it's a pretty irrational fear but that's not how fear works. We know he's thinking about Kylie all the time through this section because he asks Gyu-Ho about how he feels abut Yeong being "dirty" more than once.

One last moment of painful reflection: The first two parts of this series had clear relationship pairings and parallels: Mi Ae and Nam Gyu in Part 1, and Yeong Su and Yeong's mother in Part 2. I was thinking about whether Kylie and Gyu-Ho are our pairing in Part 3, and while I don't think we get enough reflection about Kylie to make this case strongly, I'm struck by how Yeong characterizes Kylie as something he is "stuck with forever", and how he is determined to let Gyu-Ho go.

[beachlifelez]

"I'm glad you're home for the weekend, Stephanie."

"So am I, Ellen. I didn't realize dad was going to be gone."

"And I didn't realize how much I was going to enjoy our time together when I married your dad."

"I had a crush on you from the time you two started dating."

"And I have quite the crush on you, as you know."

"I want to get naked with you and never leave the bed for the next two days."

"I think we can arrange that. I want to feel your body against mine. In so many different positions."

"I want to 69 again with you so badly. That was so hot last time."

"Well, there's no time like the present. I think you enjoyed being on top last time, right?"

"So much. Can we do that again now?"

"Of course we can, sweetheart. Let's get each other undressed and get this weekend off to a roaring start."