#well lads it's finally time to start coping with the finale in the only way i know how besides angst

[mobius-m-mobius]

it's a fair question 🙃 Lokius Incorrect Quotes [12/∞]

[your-divine-ribs]

No Nut November Part 3

Words: 3.6k

You try to tempt Van to fail the challenge by putting on a show for him // use of sex toys // it’s just really dirty I’m so sorry ha ha 🤭

Imagines Masterlist Main Masterlist

Part 1 Part 2

Despite a tricky start to November for Van he copes with week one very admirably. You're quite impressed, not that you'd admit it to his face.

As for you, you find that your own sexual appetite is piqued more than usual whenever your mind strays to your latest sexual encounter, reliving the feeling of letting your inhibitions completely go as you took what you wanted from Van. There was something extremely liberating about it, and it's bolstered your sexual confidence to new levels. That only makes your situation all the more frustrating as you find yourself wishing and hoping that Van slips up and you catch him having a crafty wank behind closed doors. You just haven't decided on a suitable form of punishment yet... well punishment in the loosest of terms. You're starting to suspect that Van's secretly harbouring a submissive kink that you're only too happy to help him discover.

The following Friday rolls around and Van's attention is taken by music making and rehearsals with the band and your boredom sees you flicking aimlessly through social media to while away the hours.

You sigh in frustration as yet another advert pops up on Instagram... there really are too many adverts on this app. You go to scroll quickly by, but then the name of the website being advertised and the fact that there's a 40% sale on catches your eye. It's the adult toy website that you'd been looking at with Van a few weeks back. You never made a purchase at the time but with your mission in mind you decide that now might be a good time for a little shopping spree.

Last time you and Van visited Ann Summers together you were far too embarrassed and flustered to linger long in the aisles, quickly shoving a small vibrator and a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs into your basket before racing to the till to pay. It's a different experience altogether shopping online though. You can peruse at your leisure with no embarrassment at all, but some of the items still make you blush nevertheless. Thirty minutes later you're fishing in your handbag for your credit card and selecting next day delivery, a huge grin on your face and sinful thoughts running through your head whilst you start to plot exactly how you're going to entice Van into losing the challenge.

You step out of the shower and reach for a big fluffy towel off the bale, wrapping it around yourself and securing it at your chest. You'd slipped out of bed and into the shower whilst Van was still dozing and you wonder whether he's awake yet. Last night you'd met all the lads in the pub and Van was a little tipsy, his affectionate touches quickly turning needy by the time you'd stumbled home and into bed which was always his way. You'd resisted steadfastly, reminding him that it was still only the 9th of November and asked him if he was struggling now, how was he going to feel by the 19th? He'd just huffed grumpily at that, mumbling something about 'your stupid idea' and turning over in bed, quite literally giving you the cold shoulder, finally drifting off into a restless sleep.

You'd been dismayed at the time, wondering whether this was still such a good idea, and who was really benefiting from Van's abstinence, but then you'd reminded yourself of your plan and you'd drifted off to sleep with a warm glow between your thighs and a smile on your lips.

"Mmm... what time is it?" Van's sleep-heavy voice drifts across to you as you sit down on the bed, reaching for your tube of body lotion.

"It's just after 9," you reply, not turning around to face Van. You can see his reflection quite clearly in the large vanity mirror sitting on your dressing table. "Thought I'd let you sleep in as I presumed you'd have a sore head this morning."

"S'not sore, it's just..."

His voice trails off as he rolls over on to his back to see you sitting on the end of the bed, bath towel pooled around your hips, bare breasts jiggling tantalisingly in the reflection of the mirror as you massage the lotion into your arms.

"Huh?" You do turn around then, swivelling your body around to fully face Van, keeping a neutral expression even though his slack jaw and wide eyes are making it hard to suppress the smug smile that's threatening to surface.

"What?"

"You were just about to say something weren't you?"

"Oh... I... errr... I forgot what I was going to say now."

You turn away from Van, rising up off the bed, squeezing more lotion into your palm and then rubbing it between your hands to warm it up. It's still cold on your shower-warm skin, delicate goose-bumps breaking out over your body as you massage it over your neck and upper chest, moving down towards the swell of your breasts. You don't need to look at Van's reflection now. You can feel the heat of his gaze on you as he watches on. You take your time smoothing the lotion over your breasts, cupping them in your hands, kneading at your flesh. Your nipples had already pebbled at the feel of the cool air hitting them when you'd shed your towel, and the feel of the cool lotion on them just makes them peak all the more. You let your fingers pinch at them a little, your breathing deepening from the sensation. You're aware of Van shifting on the bed behind you but he stays quiet. Satisfied that he's enjoying the show you squeeze out yet more lotion and start massaging it over your tummy and down over your hips, bending over so Van has a perfect view of your ass. You hear the bed creak as he changes position again and this time he doesn't stay quiet.

"Fucking 'ell Y/N, what are ya trying to do to me, eh?"

You straighten up immediately, turning around to face him in all your naked glory, your skin flushed and deliciously dewy from your skin-care routine, a look of pure innocence on your face.

"What do you mean? I'm just getting ready."

"Oh, come off it. You're deliberately trying to turn me on aren't ya?"

He's sitting up in bed now, the covers draped low over his hips, his hair all mussed and a mischievous smile gracing his lips. A quick glance down clearly shows the bed-sheets tented in his lap and you let your eyes linger there purposefully to show that you've noticed.

"Turn you on? I'm just moisturising. It's part of my daily routine. It's not my fault literally everything gives you a hard-on is it?"

You bite back amusement, managing to maintain your demure expression as Van narrows his eyes at you. "You're telling me you're not trying to tease me right now? I don't believe you."

"Honestly I'm not," you lie, turning away from him and reaching for your silk robe from the back of the dressing table chair, shrugging it on but not bothering to fasten it. "If I was deliberately trying to tease you, you wouldn't have to ask if I was. You'd know about it for sure."

You hesitate, hoping your plan's going to work, titivating your hair in the mirror whilst you wait. It's quiet and you wonder whether Van's going to take the bait, but he does as predicted, and your pulse quickens in anticipation of your next move.

"What's that supposed to mean then, huh?"

You turn to face him, slowly, perching on the edge of the dressing table and leaning casually back propped on your hands, cocking your head back.

"If I was really trying to tease you you'd have lost the challenge already."

"Is that so?"

There's a flicker of something in Van's eyes, a fiery determination. He's so sure he's going to win this but he really doesn't appreciate the fact that you're not going to make things very easy for him. In fact you're prepared to play dirty. Very dirty.

"Uh-huh," you smile, letting your robe fall open fully. "You wouldn't be able to help yourself."

You spread your legs a little but not enough to be obvious. Not yet.

Nevertheless Van's gaze drops down immediately between your thighs and you wonder if he can see how aroused you are. The wild thoughts that have been running through your head all morning have definitely been firing you up and you can feel wetness coating your inner thighs, a steady pulse stirring you through.

"Sounds like a challenge to me," Van says, his voice low. His finally drags his eyes upwards again to meet yours and they're simmering with heat. It's intoxicating, the way that he looks at you with all that hunger. You can feel your confidence swelling and your inhibitions falling away. It's time to push the boundaries now and really tempt him to break his control.

"Maybe it is..."

"Well go on then... challenge accepted."

You reach down to grasp the handle of your dressing table drawer, sliding it open and feeling around inside for a specific object. You maintain eye contact with Van as your fingers alight on what you were looking for, ramping up the anticipation as you hesitate for a moment. His tongue darts out to swipe over his lower lip and he shifts again where he sits but he stays quiet, waiting, his face a mask of curiosity.

"I have a little surprise for you..."

Your heart's pounding now, matching the throbbing pulse between your legs. You curl your fingers around one of your new purchases, taking a deep breath before you slowly withdraw your hand, finally revealing your seductive plan to Van.

"Fucking 'ell," he breathes, eyes bugging out of his head, mouth falling open in surprise as he watches you in wonderment, the sultry temptress, extending your tongue to lick at the shaft of the large, thick vibrator that you're holding. "When did ya buy that?"

"Oh I just ordered it the other day when I was bored," you say nonchalantly, spreading your legs even wider. "Was missing your cock, so I thought that this might help..."

You place the tip of the toy on your lips, suckling gently on the end, teasing him.

He swallows, hard, his eyes pooling with heat, his voice raspy as he speaks. "And... does it?"

You shrug. "I dunno... shall we find out?"

You can hardly believe what you're doing, putting on a show for Van like this. You've touched yourself in front of him before but always when you've been in bed, exploring your own and each other's bodies together. Now it's just you, totally exposed and in the spotlight with him as the captive audience. If you'd realised how powerful it would make you feel though you'd have done this a long time ago. You can feel the adoration and desire radiating off of him as he looks on eagerly, not quite believing his eyes.

You flick the switch on the base of the vibrator to a gentle hum as Van watches on, bringing it down between your spread legs and brushing the tip lightly over your clit. A small sigh escapes you and you press it harder against your skin, a shiver coursing through you. "Mmm..."

"You're not playing fair."

Van's voice is thick and choked, his eyes glazing with lust as he watches you lower the toy to your entrance, running it over your folds, coating it in the juices of your arousal.

"Want me to stop?" You ask, a sly grin on your lips which pull into a small O as you work the toy over your sensitive nub again, your slickness enhancing the feeling.

"No... no... don't stop," Van blurts, his face flushing as he squirms on the bed, the bedsheets falling away from his erect cock which looks temptingly hard, just begging for attention. You fix your eyes on it, making a show of licking your lips.

"Feels so good," you murmur breathily, your inhibitions melting away. "I really wish it was you though... it doesn't feel as good as you do."

You run the vibrator against your slit before starting to push the tip inside you. It's so much bigger than your previous purchase which is a small, discreet, slim model that keeps you company whilst Van's on tour. You'd been too embarrassed in the shop to go for anything more daring. In contrast this one is long and thick and much more life-like, and you're already anticipating how good it's going to feel when it stretches you out.

"I wish it was me too," Van whines. "God I wanna fuck you so bad right now. You wouldn't believe how much."

"Too bad you can't though, huh?" You taunt, your arousal growing by the second, the power you hold over Van at that moment like a hit of the most addictive drug.

You start to push the toy further inside you, taking your time, watching Van's reactions, the way his eyes blaze hungrily and his hands fist at the bedsheets. His bottom lip's pulled in between his teeth, bitten in frustration. A low groan leaves his throat.

"Fuck..." you breathe, long and drawn out as the vibrator moves deeper inside you, your walls fluttering around it as it slides against your slickness. The vibrations pulse through you, intensifying the sensation of fullness. You allow yourself a moment to compose yourself, leaning back further on the dresser, spreading your legs as wide as they'll go.

"You really wanna see this?"

His reply is immediate, words spilling from him quickly. “Yeah, show me... wanna see you... please."

And it's the 'please' that really gets to you, travelling straight to your core, the way he says it, the neediness in his voice. He's in absolute awe of you, wrecked before you've even touched him. And god, how you want to touch him. You want to tear him apart with your bare hands and then piece him back together again, tease him until he's begging with tears in his pretty eyes.

"Please babe..."

So you grant him his wish, pulling the vibrator back and driving it inside you again, slow at first, over and over, moaning loudly as it catches a delicious spot deep inside you at every downward thrust. You try to keep your eyes on Van's but you can feel them rolling back involuntarily, fluttering shut as waves of pleasure make you clench around it.

You just fuck yourself even harder, deep enough that you can't control the whimpers falling from your lips, your hips rocking back and forth. You're almost lost in the moment but then you hear Van groaning softly and your eyes snap open to catch his hand straying towards his dick, his body shuddering as his fingertips brush over the head.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

The words burst from you, sharp and harsh, shocking even you. Van's mouth falls agape but he doesn't stop, not right away, tentative fingers wrapping around his dick, desperate for some relief. You're sure you've broken his will and you immediately stop what you're doing, withdrawing the vibrator, already missing the sensation.

"I'm sorry babe... I'm sorry. Don't stop, please don't stop. I'll be good..."

His voice is strained and gruff, breathless, his eyes dark and blown. It's taking him all his willpower and restraint not to forego the challenge but he'd rather torture himself by watching you get yourself off. Just as suspected your denial is his sweetest torment... and in turn his obedience is your greatest turn on.

"Good boy," you purr and you swear you practically see his soul leave his body at those two words.

He moves his hand away quickly, his fingers flexing needily, grasping again uselessly at the sheets. His neglected cock stands rigid and stiff, the flushed tip weeping pre-cum. You lick your lips again, imagining positioning yourself over him and sliding down on it, how good it would feel to fuck yourself hard on him but you resist, knowing the longer you hold off the more satisfying the reward will be for both of you.

So you resume your sleazy show for Van, propping one foot on the back of the dressing table chair to afford him a better view as you tease your entrance with the vibrator before inching it inside you once again. You've ramped up the vibrations this time and it makes you tremble as you hold it in place, locating your g spot and applying more pressure until you feel the waves of pleasure start to swell.

"Oh Van," you moan, knowing how he loves to hear you call his name in the throes of passion even though he's not the cause of it this time.

"Baby... fuck... you look so good. Make yourself come, please... I really wanna see you come."

You tip your head back, your free hand rising up to tug at your stiffened nipples. You slide the toy fully out, feeling the wetness trickling down your inner thighs, using your slick to slide the tip over your clit in tight strokes that make your whole body quake. You're so close.

You force your eyes open to look at Van, loving the yearning etched on his face and the fire in his eyes, the way his hips are bucking upwards like he's imagining driving his cock inside you. He looks so good like this, but all you can think is how much better he'd look if he was cuffed to the bed, helpless and vulnerable and needy whilst you edged him relentlessly until he was a ruined, gorgeous mess. Your usually self-assured, in-control boyfriend, fucked out and desperate and begging for his release.

The wicked thoughts just push you closer to the brink of your own high and you whimper and tremble as your hips snap up harshly to meet the source of your pleasure. You're lost now, a desperate goal to reach your climax eroding all other thoughts.

"I'm gonna come!" You announce, fixing your eyes on Van's, soaking up the need in his as he watches you start to fall apart, twitching and writhing against the dresser. It feels good and you let that fact show, your breathy moans filling the room as the swells of your orgasm begin to ripple through you.

"Oh god... oh fuck... feels so good," you moan, dragging it out even when the waves start to subside, not wanting to lose Van's undivided attention.

Not that you need to worry. He sits there transfixed, leaning back against the headboard, his eyes glazed and his skin flushed, trying to rein in his desire. Small beads of perspiration adorn his bare chest and his forehead, giving him a lustrous sheen, his hair sticking to his forehead. He's so tightly wound he looks like a bomb that's ready to explode.

Perfect.

You sigh deeply, leaning back against the furniture for a moment to catch your breath, your chest rising and falling deeply, loving the fact that your normally talkative boyfriend has been rendered speechless by your display. You suppose you should feel sated but in truth you feel like you're only just warming up, your body and your mind revving up for the main event.

You watch Van squirm, the desire so thick running through his veins that he doesn't know quite what to do with himself.

"Told you didn't I? That you'd know if I meant to tease you?"

You let a smirk dance on your lips, teasing, knowing. It's a question you don't expect an answer to but he gives one anyway, still caught under your spell.

"S'not fair you know... you winding me up like this."

"Didn't hear you complaining when you were begging me not to stop."

You raise an eyebrow playfully, your smile widening into a cheeky grin as you toss the vibrator down carelessly on to the bed next to him, grasping the edges of your robe and finally covering up your body, withdrawing from Van whilst he's still teetering on the edge of control. It's all about timing now and you can't linger too long. You don't want to give him chance to cool off too much and lose that sense of needing you. You quickly step towards the bedroom doorway.

"Hold on... where ya going?"

Van calls after you and you pause in your tracks, swivelling around to face him, taking in his dazed expression. "Oh I've got loads to do today, I'm making my mum a cake, then I've got to ring round and see who's coming to Benji's party. Might clear out the garage after lunch..."

You tick off the jobs on your fingers, purposefully calm and collected, not like you've just put on a show that would make a porn star blush. Van looks on disbelievingly.

"What? After that? You're just going to go off and do chores? But what about..." he pauses, pulling the covers up over his lap, covering his erection. "What about me?"

You laugh then, shaking your head, letting your smugness show, delighted with yourself. "What about you? Thought you said this'd be easy?"

"B.... B... but..."

You don't let him finish, turning on your heel and heading for the door, firing a suggestion over your shoulder as your parting shot. "Another cold shower maybe?"

Part 4

[alarrytale]

Hello! I would like to add my pov when you and other fans all calling Louis out for his drugs/alcohol/cigarettes use and mentioning it. I´ve been a fan of The 1975 since their debut in 2013 so I basically saw their rise from quite unknown indie band playing small venues to being this huge and world-known. I am very aware that Matty Healy is not popular in this fandom and I totally respect it because I know he´s problematic and even quitted the fandom back in 2018.

Writing how I saw their rise of fame I also saw Matty´s poor mental health back then and dealing with fame - my first show of them was in Oct 2014 and all I saw was a totally stoned/drunk person on stage who barely knew what he´s doing there. Few months after my show he had a big breakdown during one show and his bandmates needed to take him off the stage and I think that show ended premature. When I saw them second time in 2016 Matty came to the stage being annoyed af, he just came there looking like he´s way too bothered he´s been taken out of bed that day because of some show and didn´t even act that he´s enjoying that show. In 2017 he also looked quite off and not enjoying the show and I started to think he´s on drugs again (even when he was in "happy" long term relationship and fans were obsessed pointing out how happy he was) and of course - few month after that he ended on rehab because of being addicted on heroine. I saw them again this summer and I need to say that after 10 years of being their fan (I don´t count the time when I quitted the fandom because I still liked their old music) it was finally a good show and Matty looked the best.

Also for those who don´t know him - Matty is very well known for liking to get stoned, their famous song Chocolate is about weed, other songs mention cocaine or heroine, he´s been spotted with joint milion times, he posted stories where he´s saying his wannabe intelectual bs being stoned and there was even an affair when back in 2015 fans spotted him on the street and he took bong with them. He also used to drink and smoke on stage. And even after everything that happend, nobody cancelled him, called him out, there was no huge fandom exodus because of his behaviour and the band is still very very popular and Matty is loved by his fans.

I´m not writing this as an excuse for Louis what he´s doing and that we should just take it as a normal thing and not calling him out for being unprofessional but comparing him with Matty I just wanted to point out that there are musicians who are much worse than Louis trying to fit into his lad image (or why the hell is he like this) and yes, Matty is problematic af but look at him and compare him with Louis - there are so many lines Louis can crossed and so what he´s doing is nothing compare what I witnessed with Matty. I still think that this is his 2nd solo tour and he´s getting used to having shows which are only about him. Maybe I´m optimistic but I just think he´ll need to get comfortable and get used to routine and find out drinking/getting stoned every other night is not sustainable for long run of being on tour for months. And yes, realize that his wannabe lad image is hurting him - but that´s maybe what will come when he´ll get more comfortable and realize he don´t need to fit into anything to be loved.

Hello, anon!

Thank you for your perspective! I've now learned more about mat*y hea*y than i'd ever care to know lol.

We can agree that mat*y is far worse than Louis, but why are we comparing the two? I don't see any similarities, not in their upbringing, their career, challenges they've faced or target audience/fandom? The only thing they have in common is shit coping mechanisms.

Matty seems like a nepo baby who grew up rich, maybe without getting attention from his parents, which led him to craving attention, any attention. He probably faced pressure to be cool. His mental health suffered from that and it lead him to drugs and acting out. His band is currently taking an indefinate hiatus because he's widely disliked and currently 'cancelled' for being deeply problematic.

Louis' issues stems from being told he's not good enough and from supressing his sexuality, against his will. In addition he's had some devastating losses and now probably feels a responsibility to provide for his family. He's also faking being a dad, while knowing his fandom doesn’t buy it. He's living under enormous pressure. He is pushing himself more than is healthy and is drowning his sorrows in drinks and drugs. Louis is not generally problematic, and him starting to not giving his all as an artist is a new development. He's not doing it for attention, but out of insecurity. He's also not intentionally trying to harm others with his actions. So i think their cases are a bit too different to be compared.

[things-happens]

In Memory

Levi Ackerman x gn! Reader

Armin Arlert x gn! Reader

Erwin Smith x gn! Reader

Mikasa Ackerman x gn! Reader

hola 😎 i have a request for ya! which i do hope you like cause I literally spent hALF aN hoUR thinking of how it should go... anyWAYS, i’m gonna request it rn cause why not? .. anyways—maybe a hc for Levi, Armin, Erwin, Mikasa, and Pieck; their S/O’s favorite memories with them are playing in their mind. They wished it happened again. people thought they (they = pieck, levi, armin - yk)—people thought they went crazy. out of their mind insane. They do often smile, when they hear their S/O’s laugh. They cry when they hear their S/O’s screams. They couldn’t save them in time. they were now dead. // now do keep in mind, that this all happened weeks after their S/O’s death. they felt so useless at the fact that they couldn’t save them in time. the one they loved the most...

Note: I DELETED THIS AND HAD TO MADE THE POST so... please like and share thank you. Also I'm not caught up on season 4 but I know what has happened so I don't know Pieck's personality, I didn't want to get her wrong.

Prompt List

Mastlister

Summary: their s/o passed, they blame themselves and other and sadly cannot cope.

Warnings: Death, Blood, Feels and Fluff Words: a lot just a lot

Levi Ackerman (Sadderdaze)

Somethings never change for Levi losing the ones he loves left and right but why did he think that would change with y/n.

During the Battle of Shiganshina, Y/n was by Levi’s side the whole time.

They always was anyways, the lone survivor of Levi’s Squad after the 57th Expansion. Years ago, they vowed the loyalty for him then again 3 years later, till death did them part.

They both lead the group of soldiers to eliminate the Beast Titan.

As the Beast began to throw rocks everyone took covered in an abandoned town, after the first-round y/n and Levi resurfaced on the roofs.

They both noticed the beast was readying for another throw, yelling for the other to go bad into cover.

“GO BACK!” Y/N yelled into their cupped hands; they still couldn’t hear them.

Levi started to run to help them, only to be held back, y/n telling him there isn’t enough time.

Levi protested only for Y/n starting to push him back down to between the houses.

Suddenly, Y/n gave him a hard push on his back making him lad down on the ground. Looking back up to his love, their leg of in a now, missing part of the roof.

Levi quickly shot back up to help them out, grabbing their hands pulling as hard as he could.

“Levi… LEVI! Please take cover, you’ll die.”

“I’m not leaving you behind… not again.”

Levi had left Y/n in charge of his squad as he joined Erwin in the 57th Expansion. Nearly dying because of the Female Titan and protecting Eren.

Y/n pulled their arm away from him, giving him one final hard push in the chest right before the rock came pass them.

“I love you” they whispered.

As Levi flew back to the ground, he held eye contact with them all of his memories going through his head, knowing that this was the last time he would see of them, forever.

As for y/n, all their memories flew through them.

Late nights with Hanjie, mornings drinking tea with Erwin and Levi.

Levi… the night of their wedding, cake, slow dancing together, then stargazing. Oh, what they’d give to do that one more time with him.

Then they were gone.

Days later, everyone was concerned about the Captain. They could hear his cries and sobs when they’d pass his room. If you’d knocked, his cries would stop, and he’d stay silent till he watched your feet leave.

Every time Hanjie would open his door to bring breakfast or dinner, they could see the hopefulness in his eyes only for them to fall. Not like he ate till he was starving and knew he had too.

Years later, as Levi slept at night, he could still hear the whisper and cries of his love. That’s all he could hear ever, yet now he hid it well.

The nights he couldn’t sleep he’d walk through the halls of the fallen soldiers. In the middle of all the paintings, was Erwin. A gold frame shining in the moon light. Next to him was y/n.

They also had a golden frame and at the top were their favorite floor in their favorite color. Whomever painted it, Levi thought they did an amazing job.

The captured the brightness of their eyes, their gloss on their hair and the perfection on their hands.

Levi sat on his knees, lightly placing his hand on theirs. Wishing he could feel them just one more time.

BONUS:

“I bet you’re not popular with the ladies…” Zeke sighed.

Levi looked down thinking about y/n for the first time since the battle. “I was popular enough…”

Armin Arlert (When Will I See You Again)

Most people admired Y/n relationship with Armin, never put a title on side thing but the two and others knew they loved each other.

And when y/n died… well it was hard on everyone.

Since Armin inherited the Colossal Titian he saw and heard y/n die with his own eyes or really with Bertholdt eyes.

They stood by Armin till the very end or what they thought was the end.

The two stood in front of the giant titan, directing him. The plan… they knew they were going to die but it was with Armin and that’s all y/n would ever want.

Bertholdt let out the burning steam, burning them alive. y/n’s eyes looked at Armin, they screamed and cried till nothing… black.

Armin on the other head was giving the Titan Serum, eating Bertholdt and becoming the monsters he hated.

From the second he woke from the shift, all he could thing of was Y/n.

Where are they?

Are they okay?

Then and dare he say naturally, the memories caved in.

Seeing through his predecessor’s eyes, he remembered his love burn to death. Hearing their caries and he saw them always looking at him.

He cried and blamed himself for their death, y/n thought they were dying together but Eren couldn’t let him live in peace.

“they died thinking they were with me.” He whispered.

He always tired to keep his resentment in around Eren and Mikasa, but everyone could here him scream in pain in the forest next to the HQ.

He used Bertholdt’s memories to see them together all the time, Sasha and Mikasa would become worried he wasn’t grieving well but soon like screams every night stop.

Instead, it was quite crying at night, which wasn’t any better for anyone.

Then they left to find the Sea, one thing that could make Armin come to peace with himself.

Reaching the ocean everyone would play and have fun their but looking down in the water, Armin could’ve sworn he saw his love looking back at him but alas he lost the sight as fast as he saw it.

He knew Y/n would and still is by his side everyday till death brought them back to each other.

Erwin Smith (My Kind of Woman)

Everyone knew Erwin as a very stoic man, a calm gentle giant but with a heart and will of Iron.

And that was true, but that was after someone not one would talk about.

Their name is Y/n, Erwin Smith’s great love.

In 845, the Survey Corps returned from an expiation, but most do not know what happened.

“Four abnormals on the right wing!” some one shouted

Erwin looked at y/n who was smiling but still looking out for themselves and others. They looked over at Erwin and smiled even wilder.

Ever since training, Y/n saw bright side of things. It was their idea to recruit the Underground rebels.

In all most a flash of lighting, rain pored down soldiers dying all around.

10 abnormals flailing around, killing and eating people.

Erwin stared behind him, watching his comrades die under his orders. Then he locked eyes with y/n as they jumped off their horse as a Titan waved its arm at her.

“Erwin!”

Y/n yelled hoping he would turn and help them, and he did, yet despite the connection they had…

It was too late, they were harshly picked and swished, screams reaching everyone’s ears. Held above the Titan’s mouth their blood poured into then as the life quickly left their eyes they were dropped into its mouth.

If it wasn’t for Levi, Erwin would’ve been died too.

Ever second since then he blamed himself, knowing if he was just a little faster.

He paid someone to make a painting of her for his office, they were his right-hand person, but others knew it was more than that.

He would cry as quite as he could for years till it was small smiles or few tears while in his office or drinking tea with Levi or Hanji.

They both learned not to question it as it was a normal thing for the man after five years.

The new recruits would ask about the painting of a random person in his office, he would say someone special.

Yet it’s been years he would still become choked up that night.

Mikasa Ackerman (i wanna be your girlfriend)

Mikasa and Y/n met in training, two people how just sat not needing to say anything to enjoy each other’s company.

Eating dinner, they’d just sit and watch everyone else bicker and talk, nothing needed to be said. Despite being Sasha’s sibling, the older one seem to get all the personality then again there was nothing wrong with the way they were.

Although being close to death of a many of times, they lived and slightly loved Mikasa and watched her grow into a beautiful women she was.

Over the years, y/n become more vocal not wanting to miss out on the moments they had left with everyone. They and Jean would bicker and laugh about dumb things, Connie and they would just sitting and reminisce on old times.

Then Sasha met Nicolo and well y/n had never more vocal about anything before.

“Oooooh the cook, he’s perfect for you.”

y/n would tease Sasha along with Jean and Connie, although Nicolo didn’t seem to mind, Sasha would turn redder than a beet!

Then the war came, Y/n didn’t leave Mikasa side unless it was to save their ether extremely brave or stupid sister.

As y/n and Mikasa run to Eren’s ad after killing the War Hammer Titan, Mikasa yells at Eren.

Y/n watches the two argue, as the War Hammer Titan stands tall and definitely not dead.

Y/n watches as it starts to shoot a crystal goop at them, Y/n wipps around slamming themselves into Mikasa, holding onto her and they both flay away from the now hardened crystal.

“thank you, y/n.”

Y/n only nodded, looking back at the crystal. Again, they themselves in danger for Mikasa but they knew if it came down to it, they would die for their family.

After the battle, everyone was on the air ship, Mikasa had left y/n with Jean, Connie and Sasha. They talked happy to see each other alive.

“You guys are really special to me.”

Next thing anyone knew, both Jean and Y/n heard rumbling from the entrance. Turning around they saw a little girl with a rifle.

y/n quickly realized she was aiming for everyone of the ship, mainly their sister. Running in front of the fire, trying to do the same thing they once saw Hanjie do years ago still the girl shot.

The bullet went straight threw y/n’s stomach; push through the pain they grabbed the gun from the girl. They butted it into the little girl’s head, knocking her out.

The adrenaline wore off, y/n put their hand on their stomach. Their hand covered in blood, they turned around to see their sister on the floor surrounded by their friends.

“Guys…” they dropped the rifle on the floor.

The word came out their mouth, everyone with tears in their eyes slowly turned to look at them.

Jean watched as the blood dripped from their suit on to the light brown flooring.

Y/n began to walk to them, waddling side to side.

Mikasa entered the room watching Y/n fall over into what was now a pool of blood. She quickly ran over, flipping them over sobbing.

Jean quickly applied pressure into the wound, but it was too late. Y/n looked up at Mikasa, their bloodied hand lightly touching her face.

Mikasa sat head on her knees, in between both Blouse graves. She could still here the raspy breaths, the yells of Jean telling them to stay awake and the laugh Eren let out seeing the dead bodies.

She’d cry at nights realizing she loved them more than a friend, she felt like a piece of her was now gone.

During dinners Mikasa would push her food around till she couldn’t sit and not laugh or sob. Armin had become worried of her, but he knew she just needed time.

[darlingandmreames]

I rewatched The Ritual the other night for the first time in a while and am officially Back On My Bullshit, which means lots of thoughts and opinions that I am now going to make everyone else's problem. So without further ado, here are my thoughts on The Ritual's themes, character dynamics, and how the movie (in my opinion) improved upon the book

(spoilers for both the book and the movie)

Themes

So what is The Ritual actually about? I mean, obviously it's about a freaky forest monster that kills people and grants one of those kinds of immortality where you really gotta read the fine print, but underneath all that what is it actually about?

The answer depends a bit on both whether you're talking about the book or the movie, and how detailed you're being about it. Both the book and the movie share the very broad theme of "moving on", but what the characters are "moving on" from is different in each. I'd argue that the book primarily deals with moving on from past chapters in your life- cherishing the good memories, acknowledging and accepting the failures, and moving forward without becoming stuck on either.

The movie, on the other hand, is very explicitly about trauma, pain, and grief, and the process of confronting and moving on (or NOT moving on) from those experiences. This is achieved by the introduction of Rob, a character who didn't exist in the book. His actual appearance in the movie is brief, but his death is the driving force behind the entire movie. It's sudden, violent, and senseless, and it provides a very distinct and viscerally present context for the character interactions moving forward (more on that later). Rob's death faces the characters with a complex, heartbreaking, and traumatic loss and allows the movie to explore what it means to confront and move on from something like that, as well as the consequences of NOT doing so, by making that pain and grief into a very real (and beautifully designed) monster.

And that's where the movie's second major change comes in: the portrayal of the cult. I.... admittedly didn't really care for the cult portion of the book all that much honestly. It wasn't bad and some of my favourite lines were actually from that part of the book, but it felt almost jarringly different from the first part of the book to me. I felt like the heavy metal teen cultists were very much at odds with the sense of sinister supernaturality the first part of the book had spent building.

I loved the cult in the movie though. These are people who worship the personified (monstrified?) pain and grief that stalks the forest. They were chosen to survive specifically because of their own personal pain ("why me?" "Your pain is great") and by worshipping the monster they're kept in the forest and granted an immortality that saves them from death but not decay. It's a beautiful look at the consequences of being unable/unwilling to move on from pain/loss/grief and instead being consumed by it. The cultists are defined by their pain to the point that it eventually warps them into something almost unrecognizable. By worshipping Moder they are literally unable to move on, both physically (they're stuck in the forest) and spiritually (they can't die). Whereas the cult in the book felt jarringly different in tone from the story leading up to it, the cult in the movie tied into the theme beautifully and provided Luke with a look at his future if he allows his own pain to consume him.

Which brings us to....

Characters

A stories themes are often best portrayed through it's characters, and in this case that mostly means Luke.

Luke in the book is....well, to be honest, he isn't really that sympathetic or even that likeable when we first meet him or really for a large chunk of the story, at least not in my opinion. He's a 36 year old man-child who's clearly still chasing the glory of his college days and who's life up until now has mostly been characterized by failures, flakiness, and not taking responsibility for any of it. And on top of that, he's angry. The kind of angry that's violent, easily provoked, and generally unwarranted. All of the characters are facing failures at the end of this chapter of their lives to some degree (such as Phil being separated from his wife), but Luke is very clearly the least well adjusted- and least sympathetic- of them. His character arc revolves around him learning to move on from this previous chapter in his life, accepting the good and the bad and finally being willing to move forward with determination. In the beginning of the book Luke is characterized by indifference and petulant anger that masks fear and doubt, but he ends the book with a desire to move forward and determination to survive.

The inclusion of Rob and his subsequent death COMPLETELY changes Luke's character though and, in my opinion, makes him FAR more compelling and sympathetic. We still get similar notes to where he starts out as we did in the book; whereas Rob, Dom, Hutch, and Phil have all clearly settled down and moved on from their uni days, Luke obviously hasn't. This is made clear in his suggestions for the lad's holiday, his wanting to get a bottle of liquor after they leave the bar, and his conversation with Rob when they're in the liquor store. Movie!Luke really isn't all that different from book!Luke in the first scene or two.

Rob's brutal murder profoundly changes Luke's character though. He's left dealing with the grief and loss left in the wake of Rob's death, as well as the guilt associated with not having been able to stop it. By taking a character that may not otherwise be particularly sympathetic or likeable and having the audience watch him experience a deeply horrifying and traumatic loss, the movie makes Luke into an extremely compelling character and set him for a far more emotionally engaging character arc as he struggles to cope with both his grief and his guilt.

As I mentioned above, the cult in the movie provides Luke with a glimpse of the consequences of allowing his pain and grief to consume him. Now, the cult in the book sort of does the same thing- the indifferent anger and violence of the cultists mirrors Luke's own anger covering his fear and doubt and shows what could happen if he embraced that part of him. But the cult in the movie, in my opinion, works far better in this role because they feel more thematically and tonally in line with the rest of the movie and because Luke is a more sympathetic character. His decision to accept or reject that path carries more weight because we care about him. Moreover, accepting the same path as the cultist would provide him with a community that understands his pain, something he very much did not have with his friends; we understand that accepting the cult is a bad decision, but we also understand why Luke would be tempted to do so. Simply put, we feel for him and that makes the presentation of this choice much more emotionally impactful.

Interestingly, Luke's character arc in both the book and the movie end with him developing the desire and determination to survive. It comes from two very different places though. In the book, it revolves around Luke's willingness to finally close out the previous chapter of his life- highs and lows and all- and move forward into the future despite the fear and uncertainty doing so may provoke.

In the movie, though, this decision comes within the context of Luke's survivor's guilt. He feels guilty over Rob's death because he wasn't able to intervene and this guilt is reinforced by the other characters, most notably Dom and, later, Hutch. His decision to reject Moder, to fight back and refuse to kneel, represents not only his decision to move on from his grief and trauma but also the acknowledgement that despite what happened he still has worth and his life is still worth living. It also resolves his struggle with his inability to help (which plays a large role in his guilt), something that comes into play in all of the deaths in the movie even beyond Rob's. In Hutch's death Luke tried to find him but was unable to find him until it was far too late. In Phil's death he's initially paralyzed before running away, both in fear, in much the same way he did in Rob's death. In Dom's death he was able to take the necessary steps to help Dom (dislocating his thumb to get out of the restraints) but was ultimately too late and was forced to watch Dom die anyways. By recognizing that he still has worth and that is life is worth living, Luke is able to act in spite of his fear and make the decision not to allow his grief, pain, and trauma to consume him.

No discussion of Luke as a character is completely without also discussing how he interacts with the other characters and hoooo BOY did the movie really ratchet those interactions up a notch or ten. The interactions in the book were well written but they admittedly felt a little one note at times (though this is also probably somewhat due to me viewing book!Luke as not particularly likeable or sympathetic). By including Rob's death the movie adds a layer of complexity to the character interactions that I felt really wasn't there in the book and we get to see the interpersonal effects of traumatic loss. Luke may have been the only one to witness Rob's death but they're all grieving him, and we get to see how that (and how Luke's friends' perception of his role in Rob's death) impacts and strains their relationships. As I mentioned earlier, we see very clearly that Luke doesn't have any real support or understanding from his friends; Dom does little to hide the fact that he views Luke as directly responsible for what happened and while Hutch does initially attempt to provide support, it comes off as superficial and he later admits he isn't sure whether he blames Luke. Luke is very clearly struggling with what happened but can't turn to the people he would normally rely on for support, and his interactions with his friends often alienate him and further reinforce the guilt and blame he's grappling with rather than provide any source of comfort. This, again, makes the temptation to submit to Moder and join the cult, to give into his pain and grief and loss and let it consume him, that much more compelling and his choice to reject it that much more meaningful.

Overall, the movie's decision to add in Rob and his subsequent death and to change how the cult was portrayed was, in my opinion, a truly excellent one and helped move the movie from a story I would've enjoyed but shrugged off into legitimately one of my favourite movies of all time. It allowed for a more thematically and tonally consistent story and made both Luke and his character arc more sympathetic, compelling, and emotionally impactful. When it comes to adaptations I generally tend to enjoy the book more than the movie, but this is one of the few exceptions where I truly believe the movie significantly improved upon the book

[soldouthaz]

hey all!  it’s nearly the end of the year now and it’s time to finish the list of my favorite 2020 fics! (you can find part i of this rec here !) I can’t thank these authors and anyone else who published things this year enough. it’s been many long months where a distraction was much needed, and we got such amazing content for FREE. being able to escape into another world for even just a few minutes right now is priceless. 

to everyone who wrote something, read something, or simply made it through this year, kudos to you! wishing everyone a much more relaxing 2021 with even more amazing fics to come. :)  thank you guys for everything – happy holidays & new year, and happy reading!  

there were so many good ones out this year and there’s no way I can include all of them, but I enjoyed so many more than just the ones on this list! the ones I picked just stood out to me for some reason based on how I was feeling or what I was going through at the time, and they all helped me in some way or another. :) not to mention, I am sooo behind on recent fics and most of the blff, so I will be making more recs slowly into the new year as well!  

quick disclaimer! as with every time I put these together, this list is based on my own opinions and features a variety of different kinds of fics and tropes. I include the info next to them for a reason! please stick to your own preferences and leave any hate out of your choices. that being said, if you enjoy any of these, please leave the author a kudos, comment, or send them a message to let them know you liked it!  

okay, in no particular order!:  

a place with skeletons by @crazyupsetter / whoknows 
 E | 50k | b!L | veela!Louis 

“I would choose anyone other than you,” Louis says, picking up his train of thought again. He feels a lot more cornered and defensive when they’re in Harry’s house, for some reason. 

It doesn’t really make sense, considering that this time, Louis was the one who couldn’t hack it any longer. He broke first. There’s something about being in Harry’s space, though, the green and earthy feeling of it. It should feel like open space with all the plants, but Louis has never felt more claustrophobic than he does when he’s here. Harry’s chest moves against his back, a sharp intake of air. 

Before he can open his mouth to defend himself, Louis keeps going, “If I had a choice in any of this, I would have been saved by that elderly security guard over you. I wouldn’t mind having to have the occasional cuddle with her.” 

even the best laid plans by @falsegoodnight
 E | 25k | b!L | uni au  

Louis wants to have sex with someone and decides Harry is the perfect alpha for the job. 

runaway darling by @solvetheminourdreams 
E | 26k | no smut | wedding au  

An AU where Louis hates weddings, Harry loves them, and together they help a bride skip hers. 

three days in february by @mercurial-madhouse / writing_practice 
 E | 187k | b!L | magical realism  

Louis is cursed after a night out with the lads and the five have just three days to figure out what happened and how to break it before Harry and Louis both lose their sanity and maybe something more. Louis can hear everything Harry thinks and Harry isn’t sure he can keep his feelings for Louis a secret from his own mind. 

a springtime’s wilt, an autumn’s bloom by snowcaplou  E | 20k | b!L | abo 

Harry is Louis' personal chauffeur, and although he hides his feelings for his boss behind a wall of rigid professionalism, Louis still manages to squeeze through the cracks.

just a flicker in the dark by @falsegoodnight 
 E | 57k | b!L | witch!Louis 

Louis is a struggling witch desperate to prove himself after yet another magic disaster and finds a calling in the haunted house of client Niall Horan. Things get more complicated when he’s assigned a case partner: acclaimed medium and ex-boyfriend, Harry Styles. 

terror of surrender by @loubellies 
E | 31k | b!L | yoga instructor!H  

Louis is a recent divorcee with a new favorite yoga teacher, Harry. 

loving you’s a bloodsport by @rosesau
 M | 106k | no graphic smut | royalty au  

harry is a bratty prince, louis is a guard who works in his palace, and niall is the only one who’s got his life in control. 

spoonful of sugar by @zanniscaramouche (check out this part too!)  
E | 43k | b!L | mob boss!Harry  

Louis Tomlinson cares for his family above all else, a fact that’s led him on a twisted path peddling drugs to support them. Just as he’s made the decision to jump ship, Louis gets snared between the two largest crime syndicates in the city. To keep his family safe he’s forced to trust the man that failed to keep his promise two years ago, the resident drug lord he’s unknowingly been working for, Harry Styles. 

quiet people have the loudest minds by @2tiedships2
 M | 38k | referenced b!L | abo 

The one where Louis is a nonverbal omega who has accepted the fact that he will never find an alpha that will treat him as an equal. On the other hand, he’s never met anyone like Harry. 

works like a charm by @falsegoodnight 
E | 18k | b!L | Hogwarts au  

Ever since Louis joined the team in fifth year, a few facts have become set in stone. 

One: Louis is the best chaser in Hogwarts.  

Two: Harry is the best beater in Hogwarts. 

Three: They do not get along.  

So it’s really unfair of Liam to think that forcing them to spend time together as Louis recovers from his injury will make them the best of friends. The last thing Louis would do is get along with that git. 

show you the stars in the daylight by @yvesaintlourent / bruisedhoney 
E | 13k | b!L | friends to lovers  

The one where Louis has a type and at sixteen and scrawy, it’s definitely not his best friend’s little brother Harry…ten years later, he changes his mind. 

in a sea of mist by @tomlinvelvetfics 
E | 126k | b!L | mythology au  

A Greek Mythology/Camp Half-Blood AU where Harry is lost, the road to peace is a wretched one, and somehow, through a mist of confusion and regrets, Louis seems to be the only thing that makes sense and everything Harry needs. 

confessions of a fabricated alpha by @jaerie 
E | 18k | b!H/b!L mention | abo  

famous alpha Harry Styles has a secret and paying an alpha to roleplay a relationship with him over the phone is the only way he can be himself. 

take my whole life too by @goodmorninglou
  E | 24k | b!L | d/s elements | WIP

Louis knows three things, at the base of it all. 

He likes when Harry hurts him. He doesn’t know why, not really, but he knows that he likes it. Likes giving up control, likes feeling small and taken care of, likes being praised for taking whatever Harry gives him for as long as he gives it. He and Harry are meant to be. No matter what time they finally fall together, what day, what age, what place, the moment that they do, that’ll be it. It’s going to be them against everyone else, hand in hand for the rest of their lives. That’s been a given since they met. The half of Louis’ soul that’s missing is Harry’s. 

And, sans those two things, he doesn’t really know much of anything at all. 

sweet like honey by @falsegoodnight  
E | 33k | b!L | amateur porn au  

Harry and Louis need money and they find an unconventional solution in the form of PornHub. It’s not supposed to be a big deal. 

a few rereads posted from before this year that I enjoyed again!  

the case of the (definitely not haunted) styles mansion by briamaria  
E | 40k | b!H | nancy drew au  

the Nancy Drew AU where Marcel is a man of logic, Louis is a private detective who believes in ghosts, and the Styles Mansion is definitely, absolutely, positively *not* haunted. 

canyon moon by @eeveelou  
E | 40k | b!L | abo  

For as long as Louis has remembered, he has been promised to be mated to Harry, his best friend and the future pack alpha. But Louis’s heart belonged to the forest and to the hunt more than he could ever imagine it belonging to Harry.  Then Harry’s father dies in a violent accident, and Louis’s future alpha disappears on the wind.  

An A/B/O Lion King AU 

lemon eyes by @turnyourankle  
E | 50k | b!H | abo  

It’s not proper for omegas to mess around with alphas before finding their bondmate. But Harry doesn’t give a damn what’s proper and fully intends on getting as much experience as he can before even trying to find one. As far as he’s concerned, the right alpha won’t care, and he’ll have some fun on the way.  And who better to start with than Louis Tomlinson, the alpha with the worst reputation on campus? 

all this delusion in our heads by snowcaplou 
 E | 15k | b!L | exes to lovers  

After Harry and Louis break up, they cope with it in very different ways. What will happen when Harry keeps calling his ex over when things go wrong in his life, but Louis just can’t take it anymore? 

the way the storms blow by @rbbsbb  
E | 21k | b!L | roommates au  

Louis doesn’t have a habit of thinking about Harry’s dick. 

That would be weird, seeing as they’re best mates, and they share a flat, and they’ve spent holidays at each other’s family homes. 

Their friendship hasn’t ever risen to a point where Louis should want to see his mate’s dick, and he’s happy to keep it that way.  Except, all that Louis can think about is exactly that. The size of it. The shape. The amount of people it’s been in.  

Maybe it’s the tequila talking, or the fact that Louis’ just recently walked in to an eyeful of Harry taking turns on some slags that he’s never seen before, but. Louis’ mind can’t stop obsessing over the idea. 

and a few more recs from some other fandoms for anyone who might be interested! (feel free to rec me some more if you know of any!)  

burning the ground by lq_traintracks (drarry)  
E | 10k | b!draco | abo 

“Strap him down,” someone said, and Harry felt the rage thicken inside him – the viscous fear. Magical bindings pulled taut around his wrists … He felt a wand touch his arm and then a sharp bite as something punctured the skin, and a sweet, cool tonic rushed his veins. His breathing slowed. His eyelids drooped. The ceiling went grey and dark. And then he heard a woman’s voice sigh, “Someone, get Healer Malfoy.” 

every step you take by nokomis (sterek) 
 E | 50k | light b!Stiles | abo  

Stiles accidentally ends up magically bound to Derek. It’s super. 

+

alright, I think that’s it for this rec! as always, please let me know if i’ve tagged anything incorrectly or if you’d like to be untagged from something!  

and like I said before, I am wayyy behind on reading for these last few months and I need to catch up. when I do, I’ll definitely make some more recs into the new year! 

I just want to say another thank you to anyone who wrote or read or created or just existed this year. it’s been hard on us all but having this outlet definitely made it easier. I can’t wait to see what else is published next year! happy reading everyone, and happy new year! :)

[commander-diomika]

(Click to Read From the Beginning) Part 5 - Fandom: Rusty Quill Gaming Pairing: Zolf Smith/Oscar Wilde, literal background Barnes/Carter Rating: Explicit Word Count: ~2500 Additional Tags: Slow Burn, 18-Month Time Gap (Rusty Quill Gaming), Opposites Attract, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, Pining, oh there's yearning in this one lads,

Summary: With the quarantine cell still under construction, it's not quite as soundproof as it ought to be.

It was remarkably easy to keep busy in the business of saving the world. Wilde made it his mission to get to know every face in town, and in turn have them know him, and like him. He made friends easily, the locals charmed by this tall man with his fluent Japanese and endless supply of entertaining stories. For the sake of the job - not just his own lingering fear - he was meeting every person on the island and building a solid network of people who would let him know the moment a new face appeared. The wider his web, the less he found himself reaching for the scar on his face.

Zolf won people over not by charming them, but by helping them. The gruff dwarf at the inn became known as someone the locals could go to when someone fell and broke something, or to use magic to help Stone Shape the stumps of houses that were slipping into sodden earth.

He also worked on supply lines. Trade was still relatively lively, but he and Wilde were in the market for more esoteric items than bread and booze. They needed adamantine for the cell, they needed anti magic equipment, and it was certain Barnes and Carter were going to return having depleted the stock of healing potions they’d taken. Strangely enough there wasn't a steady supply of any of those items on the island.

As much as Zolf wouldn’t admit it, Wilde smoothed the way when it came to trading. He charmed the locals and when Zolf appeared with increasingly obscure demands, he was seen as a friend by association. Zolf knew he wouldn’t have achieved that so quickly.

They both oversaw changes to the inn. Many rooms were separated with nothing but thin paper walls on slides, making the whole space quite modular. Wilde sequestered one of the few solid, seemingly defensible rooms on the ground floor and turned it into an office-cum-sitting room. Before their gentle takeover it had probably been a private dining room for special, or at least rich, guests. Zolf took the time to install a proper bed frame in his room, since his legs made climbing down to the floor-level futon bedding difficult.

On another continent, sentient creatures went wrong, turned on their loved ones, fought, died. Cities were turned and abandoned, and storms ravaged places that had never seen more than a light drizzle. But even knowing that elsewhere things were coming apart at the seams, there was a touch of peace in their little corner of it. For a few weeks they slipped into a routine.

Zolf rose in the mornings before Wilde, wordlessly depositing a coffee in front of the bleary man when he appeared. In the evenings that Wilde wasn’t out liaising they took to Wilde’s sitting room and read, or drank, or talked. Frequently about the mission of course, but there was only so much hashing and rehashing they could do. When things got too heavy, or nothing had changed, topics wandered. Zolf’s stories from the navy. How Wilde became a journalist. Small things. Easy things when they both just needed to put it down for a while.

Wilde would never do something so gauche as ask for forgiveness, or understanding, but some days when he reported another success, it sounded like I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.

Some days when Zolf poured coffee into Wilde’s mug it looked like you don’t have to apologise.

And on the rare mornings when some watery sunshine peeked through the clouds, as Zolf practiced in the yard with his glaive, Wilde followed to idly spectate over the paper and his breakfast, and the action felt like I don’t know why but it’s easier to be around you than not.

Barnes and Carter returned in good enough spirits and got started on their isolation in the mostly-complete cell. As soon as they returned, Zolf felt himself get itchy for action and movement again. He couldn’t even scratch the itch by properly debriefing the returnees yet; the newest information from Curie posited a hive-mind connection between those infected by the blue veins. Still, this was just the way it had to be. Zolf tried to soothe his agitation. Things were just going to move slow for now. He only had to look at Wilde’s scar to help quiet any feelings of angst. A little bit of frustration was something he could cope with if it meant what befell Wilde never, ever happened again.

Four nights after Barnes and Carter returned, Zolf sat in front of the fire attempting to read the Dwarvish tome Wilde had picked up in Damascus. It wasn’t exactly riveting stuff, and his Dwarvish was rusty, but he promised he’d at least make a dent in it. Wilde came in fresh from the bath, his hair wet and wearing the yukata he’d been gifted by one of the locals. As he passed the back of Zolf’s chair, Wilde placed a hand on one of Zolf’s shoulders and leant over to inspect the page.

This close, Zolf could smell him. There was a soft, flowery note that Zolf couldn’t identify, probably whatever he washed his hair with. And then there was the warm, familiar smell of the man himself. Zolf kept his eyes on the page in front of him.

Pointing with his other hand, Wilde spoke. “This character here- the translation guide I was using didn’t even have it. Brought the whole lot to a screeching halt. How are you getting on with it?”

Zolf, nose full of Wilde’s scent and nearness, opened his mouth to reply. “I – er, it’s fine. It’s an older script but I can read it- don’ quite understand what they’re gettin’ at, but, er.” He looked over to Wilde’s face again, profile lined in firelight. His face was so close that Zolf could lean and place a kiss on the man’s unscarred cheek, if he chose.

Wilde glanced up from the book. Their eyes met for the briefest moment before Wilde straightened, letting go of Zolf’s shoulder with a small squeeze.

“Wonderful. Let me know if anything useful comes up, will you?”

Zolf simply grunted in reply, still feeling off-kilter. This wasn’t the first time Wilde had touched him like that. As Wilde started to settle into life at the inn, started to feel a little safer, some of that old comfort was returning. Zolf didn’t mind the touching. He got the feeling Wilde was lonely. He was probably used to a lot more physical contact than he was getting now. For all he had been ingratiating himself with the locals, it was clear as day Wilde couldn’t trust them. If Zolf was the only person Wilde could reach out to…

Zolf shook his head a little and tried to focus back on the text. Wilde collected his own evening reading material, some piece of Japanese fiction, and settled in the other chair. The silence, but for the ever-present sound of rain, was comfortable enough. Their new lot in life involved a lot of waiting, and they were both doing their best to try and make peace with that.

Time passed and Zolf, already struggling to focus on the dull history book, realised he’d read the same sentence three times over. Some essential part of his mind had shifted, noting a change in the soundscape. Previously, there had been nothing but the rain and slight crackle of fire, but now there was a new element in the mix.

Zolf stared blankly at the page, listening hard. It was… conversation? Perhaps, but the innkeeper and his wife had rooms all the way on the other side of the building, and Zolf couldn’t usually hear them. It was… the wind? No, for all it was raining, it was the usual dreary patter, no strong winds to explain the slow rhythm or hint of a moan in those sounds.

Zolf’s heart beat slowly. One, two, three… and suddenly he knew what he was hearing.

Zolf looked up from his book to see if Wilde had noticed. Obviously, whatever he was reading was much more riveting than Zolf’s dry historical facts, because he was still engrossed in his book. Despite his close attention to the pages, Wilde could sense Zolf’s regard. Without Zolf even clearing his throat, he looked up.

“What?” he asked mildly to Zolf’s raised eyebrows.

“You hear tha’?” Either it had gotten louder, or Zolf’s ears had adjusted to picking out rhythmic moans and whimpers.

Wilde slipped a finger in his book to mark his place, cocking his head. With his attention drawn, he contextualised the new sound quickly (much faster than Zolf) and his eyebrows started climbing. When the brows couldn’t get any higher, he straightened in his seat and placed a hand delicately on his chest in feigned shock. “Well, we didsay that Barnes would look out for him, but that’s not quite what I had in mind.”

Zolf tried not to roll his eyes.

“And we knew that Howard would struggle with the isolation period,” Wilde continued, voice artificially prim. “I’m glad they’ve found a way to pass the time.”

Zolf’s efforts to not roll his eyes failed, then he glanced around, puzzled. “How is the sound even…?”

Wilde’s eyes were bright; his expression screaming this was the most fun he’d had in weeks. “The trapdoor. The one in the Teal Sitting Room. It’s still under construction, so…”

“So, sound is travellin’ through it.” Zolf finished the thought, voice level despite the blush he could feel rising in his cheeks.

Barnes and Carter were slowly increasing in volume. Zolf could finally make out the timbre of Carter’s voice specifically, though he’d never heard him make those noises before.

“I didn’t know that Barnes had it in him,” Wilde murmured. “Or, had it in Carter, specifically.” With that puerile comment, Wilde moved. He folded the corner of a page to mark his place and stood, checking the ties on his yukata as he did.

“Where are you going?” Zolf hissed.

Wilde smiled wickedly. “Why, to the Teal Room, of course.”

“Wilde!” Zolf said, flushing angrily. He was trying to formulate a scolding regarding privacy and eavesdropping, but the scoundrel had already stridden off. Zolf’s thighs tensed and relaxed as he went to stand then aborted the movement, debating with himself. Carter voiced a particularly sharp cry and Zolf decided that anything was better than sitting here by himself.

I’m just gonna stop Wilde from doin’ anything inappropriate, he told himself as he stood and followed.

Inside the room, Wilde leant against the doorframe, body languid as if he attended a mere dinner party. There was a tarp covering a half-constructed hole in the centre of the room. When Zolf came to hover beside him in the doorway, any lingering mystery about what was happening downstairs was dispelled.

“Fuck, James, please,”Carter sounded utterly desperate. This close, Zolf could even hear the slow rasp of movement, skin-on-skin. Barnes’ voice was harder to make out, as he responded with something quiet and urgent. There was a breath, then the sound of flesh hitting flesh, and Carter making a choked noise that pulsed straight from Zolf’s ear to his crotch.

Wilde was delighted. He looked sidelong at Zolf and mouthed the word “James?” wrapping his lips around it in impish joy, as though first names were the controversial thing about this situation.

There was a grunt from downstairs that was undoubtedly Barnes

Wilde spoke sotto voce, keeping his voice under the sound of the rain. “I knew he’d be the strong and silent type.”

Zolf didn’t reply. He didn’t know where to even start. He would hate to be overheard like this, but there was something thrilling about it. Fuck, Wilde’s a bad influence on me. He knew he should leave, just walk away, but…

The pace downstairs changed. What had previously sounded like a languorous tease picked up energy. Carter literally wailed as the thump of a cot knocking against a wall started up, one, twice, three times, continuing, not rushed but steady. Carter’s whine cut off in a muffled ermf and Zolf could see in his mind’s eye, agonisingly clear, the way that Barnes had just put his hand over Carter’s mouth.

Zolf’s eyes had been locked, unseeing, on the rough tarp, but at Carter’s stifled moan, he looked up at Wilde. He was gazing back, and Zolf was shocked to see something hungry in those eyes. Mere moments ago, the energy from Wilde had been lewd and juvenile. Something had shifted.

Wilde’s scent was still in Zolf’s nose and suddenly the image in his mind changed.

His hand, hooked behind one of Wilde’s knees, pushing it up toward his chest… fucking him open fluidly, pace keeping time with the rhythmic thudding from below. Wilde’s face flushed cheek to cheek, eyes half lidded, awash with the pleasure of it.

Zolf shut his eyes, hard, hot with shame. When he opened them, Wilde was still staring him down, a touch of that imagined flush now true in his cheeks. There was something knowing in his expression as well, as though he could see straight into Zolf’s mind and the images that lay within.

They had been so in tune with each other lately, after all.

Wilde’s mouth worked as if he was seeking words, but he was interrupted. “Heavens above, James, faster please, I’m going to-”

Wilde sucked his breath in hard as Carter came. The words died on his lips and he half-shoved past Zolf to leave the room, taking long strides and disappearing down the corridor.

Zolf stumbled. If the two men downstairs were in any state to be paying attention to their surroundings, they would have heard Zolf’s clumsy footsteps, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He went to follow, but by the time he’d caught up to Wilde, the bedroom door was shut.

There was no lock. It was only a barrier in that it was one that Wilde chose to put up. Zolf wasn’t about to go barging in where he wasn’t wanted. He lifted a hand to knock. Paused. What exactly was he here to say? To tell Wilde off? To apologise? To say, Look at me like that again, I’ll be ready this time? He lowered his hand.

Later that night in bed, for the first time in months, Zolf found himself firming a spit-slick hand around his cock, breath unsteady. He kept his mind cautiously blank. Every time he was tempted to dwell on the sound of Carter’s whimper, or Barnes’ low rasp, or that ravenouslook in Wilde’s eyes, he drew himself back to sensation alone, pleasure coiling in his gut. He certainly wasn’t thinking of Wilde’s hand on his shoulder, the relaxed set of his body as he listened to Barnes and Carter fuck downstairs, the salacious delight in his eyes.

Zolf pumped his fist faster, definitely not thinking of the thud of the cot against the cell wall downstairs as his hips rolled and breath hitched. Hanging on to awareness by a thread, he remembered the thin walls, and bit his lip to stifle his groan as he came.

His eyes closed, he listened to his hammering heart, breathing slowly. It had been a very strange night. From the buzzing post-orgasm haze, a thought emerged, unbidden.

Lavender. Lavender was what Wilde’s soap had smelled of.

[bigsteeb]

this is gonna be a long post so bear with me, growing pains got a b i g emotional reaction out of me & I need to share my thoughts & feelings about it because jesus fucking christ.

ok first things first, someone hug this boy immediately. he’s sat in his room, still in his pajamas, in day time watching dog copter. this whole scene is just steven going “lol I’m sad, I’m gonna comfort eat & stay in my pajamas & watch a kids show I watched when I wasn’t as sad haha” & it’s not only upsetting, but relatable too fuck. his room is a mess along with him eating ice cream at what I assume is morning… making it his breakfast? geez steven. also idk if it’s just me here but in this shot he looks… bigger? like ignoring his body size shifting later on in the episode he looks a lot wider than he usually does when paul & drew board episodes to me, he’s rivalling etienne & maya’s steven’s wideness. did he… get chubbier from comfort eating? how much time has passed since together forever for him to put on weight if he has? this could literally just be steven slouching or his pajamas making him look bigger but as someone who is an advocate for the body positivity shown in su & suf it has me curious. I want to hug this soft, sad boy. It could also be due to how steven’s design fluctuates through the animation process, it’s never really on model all the time. 

the grunting noise he makes in this scene is very distressing, as are other moments from the episode too. a glimpse at the glow-bracelet he proposed to connie with is enough to physically pain him? fuck me man. is he leaving his room where there’s already ice cream… to get more ice cream? sobs. also the puns in this shot. I cant? slow burn?! you’re evil crewniverse. not to mention his body size changing throughout this scene, god this poor lad.

screams, this was when I started worrying. the boy is now in an environment he has never been in before & is feeling extremely uncomfortable & vulnerable. look at the lines under his eyes, his sad eyebrows & pout I hate it. also don’t even get me started on this part. the slight raise of a voice being enough to send him into panic?! fuck I hate how much I relate to that. 

here’s where I immediately broke, no god damn pun intended. seeing steven’s skeleton, steven’s fucking skull, like this pained me. that crack on his skull is from fucking jasper in jail break. I can’t express all of the visceral emotions that were going through my body at this. there was intense sadness for steven, extreme anger at jasper & the gems for allowing shit like this to happen to him. turns out he’s not as resilient as we thought he was. each hit he takes physically breaks him & then his gem instantly heals his wounds, my heart fucking broke at this. think back to everything that happened to him, everything that physically hurt him. it broke him I can’t deal with it! then there’s what priyanka says to steven next;

“you seem to of made a series of miraculous recoveries, but that doesn't change the fact that you experienced trauma. you’ve recovered physically but, have you recovered mentally?”

this part here along with her reassuring him that there’s nothing wrong with his brain, how childhood trauma can have an impact on how your body responds to stress & how you act in your social life, the usage of the word “cortisol” too. this stuff being in a children's tv show is incredible. the writing for priyanka describes trauma simply enough for kids to understand, but for adults to fully realise too. folks, steven has ptsd. there wasn't one bit of sugarcoating about it or nothing, this is canon fact & it hurts me. for so long have I wanted steven’s emotional issues to be alked about, to not only be brought to steven’s attention but to the audience’s too.

everything that has happened to him has built up to this moment. this moment where his behaviour & coping methods are finally making sense to a large majority of the fandom, & to steven himself. he’s hurting; physically, mentally & emotionally, & he isn’t coping well what so ever about it. his emotional support system is complete garbage, no one regularly checks in on him & folks just take steven at face value like “oh yea glowing pink? he’s fine it’s just steven” but he’s the bad person?! I hope a lot of you out there who genuinely believe steven is a bad person re-think yourselves after this. dealing with trauma is tough as shit. some days you even wonder if that one thing that fucked you up is really worth being labelled as trauma. I still can’t believe this is the route they’re taking, if he doesn’t get some form of therapy by the end of future I’ll be furious.

then things begin to spiral as he remembers what happened with connie. he clutches his chest in pain & begins changing size over intense amounts of stress & it was extremely distressing to watch. steven immediately reassures connie that this isn’t because of her, but because of everything else that happened to him. however. I believe that that’s a slight lie, he wouldn’t of spiralled if he hadn’t of remembered the proposal, steven you fucking himbo. he continues to reassure them both that he’s fine, just that he needs them to leave so he can calm himself enough to control himself.

then this happens.

“I. CAN’T. BE AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW!”

this was fucking intense. he means this literally in 2 ways btw. his body size shifting over the stress he’s feeling is a danger to both connie & priyanka in this moment, but it’s also because of how it started. being around connie hurts him. he’s not mad at her though let me make that very clear, just that thinking about what happened when he tired to propose to her is sending his head in a fritz. he did what he did full of confidence in together forever, for connie to then make him realise how silly he was being. these two are destined for each other, but that advice from ruby & sapphire has really fucked with him. he looks up to those 2, looks up to garnet, their relationship is so strong & stable. for them to give him that advice & to then scream “DO IT!” in his face is incredibly tasteless imo.

then greg gets here. I knew connie was calling for either greg or the gems when she was on her phone as she left the room, fuck yea connie I love you. the breathless, strained “thank you” from steven towards connie for calling his dad? g o d. connie telling him she’ll be there for him when he’s ready?! g o d. these next boards were done by rebecca, I knew immediately when I saw steven’s face. it makes sense that rebecca boarded these, because fuck. 

how do I move on from all of the stuff I’ve been through? how do I live life if it always feels like I’m about to die!?

I’m tearing up as I type this. when I first heard the leak of this audio I so badly wanted to believe it, but to also believe it was fake too. I was an emotional mess off & on for about 3 days over it because I couldn't stop thinking about how fucking distressing it was. like… shit steven. he seriously feels this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he felt just saying this in front of his fucking dad. he is hurting badly. this boy, this sweet sweet boy we’ve watched grow & develop into the person he is today is distraught about his future & life. it is… soul crushing to watch this. a group of friends of mine have found joking about the episode as a form of coping with the intensity of it & as much as that’s valid as fuck, any joke coming from this episode feels morally wrong to me. I can’t bring myself to join in it feels terrible even thinking about laughing at it to cope. I love them all, but I can’t bare myself to join them. this moment ending with greg comforting steven, telling him he’s here for him & all of his struggles, got me weeping. greg is possible the best father figure I’ve seen on tv, let alone a kids tv show. he’s amazing.

the final scene right here is lovely. greg making steven a hot chocolate & listening to him vent, reassuring him over his worry for his future. this right here is exactly what steven needs. someone to talk to, someone he could trust to talk about his feelings to. this the start of his support system, tag on peri from in dreams, bis in bismuth casual as well as connie from the past few episodes & it’s already looking great! even when greg eased him about being there for him steven still feels guilty about him leaving his tour, leaving his tour because he got a phone call from connie about his son being in need & steven feels guilty about it. fucking hell man. I did enjoy how the episode ended though, with that little moment between the both of them;

“just get some rest kiddo. you don’t have to solve all of your problems in one night.”

“yea. thanks dad.”

it’s a great message too, all of your struggles can’t be dealt with all at once. I’ve used a similar analogy before but it’s like removing a dead tree. you have to deal with all of the little things surround this issue first before you get to the deep, harder stuff. along side the message about trauma they’re both very important messages, I’m glad they exist in the show.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

one more thing before I end my thoughts & feelings over growing pains.

this ending shot;

as soon as I saw the frog mug my mind raced back to the promo for this scene, & this whole moment to come entirely. if you remember this moment has the first set of leaked audio within it, the audio of the gems basically cornering steven about him not opening up to them. christ pearl even gets mad at him for his gem building a wall behind him, protecting him from them. it’s common knowledge, I hope, that steven’s gem reacts to his emotional state. pearl herself has said this;

“I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.”

his gem building this wall? it felt like steven was being threatened by them. this scene now has awful connotations with it. because since we now know what the pink mode is doing to steven, how actually painful it is, think back to these;

yea. fuck the gems. I’ll let it slide if steven, greg or priyanka��haven’t told them about what happened at the hospital. but if they do know, if they know how much it hurts steven being in his pink mode & still press into him about it I’ll see red. with steven’s trauma & now ptsd being cemented into the show I fucking hope garnet, amethyst & pearl get held accountable for what they put on him as a kid. that shit will not slide with me if they don’t. do not condone what the gems put him through. do not condone the gems for making steven feel like he had to be his mum for them. just… don’t. please.

[stronglyobsessed]

Merwin a/b/o getting to bring their pup home for the first time after Eggsy has him. Maybe to their cat/dog siblings.

Since @snafu-07 and I watched Supernova tonight, spent the following hour talking about death, I feel this prompt is especially soothing to me.

---

“Oh, careful.” Eggsy had to bite down the urge to snatch their pup away from Merlin. The alpha was careful, handling their little bundle of joy with the utmost care. Yet Eggsy couldn’t contain the crippling anxiety, when Merlin placed Noah in his carrier.

Eggsy was being discharged, finally, after two long bloody days in hospital. He knew how to change, nurse and burp his pup, yeah? Weren’t like he had zero experience, helped raise Daisy from a wee pup. Now she were seven, blossoming into the prettiest flower Eggsy had ever seen.

“There.” Merlin stood back, pride and happiness radiated off of him. His smile was huge, taking up the whole of his face, as he gazed down at what they made.

His earlier worry melted. There was nothing more pure and natural as the love and adoration rippling off of Merlin. He was made for this. Destined to be a father, and Eggsy knew he’d be the best one.

“Good job, Papa.” Eggsy grabbed his hand, his own eyes falling onto the tiny face of their son. “Looks proper snug, yeah?”

Noah was swimming in the newborn bear winter suit they purchased. All that could be seen was his tiny nose, little bow lips and small eyes that hadn’t opened in the last four hours. He was perfect. Their amazingly wonderful boy that didn’t really let either man sleep, but that was okay; Eggsy wouldn’t have it any other way.

“We ready?” A new anxiety bubbled in his chest. Sure, yeah, he was ready for home, but that didn’t mean Eggsy wasn’t scared. “Think the other members will be accepting?”

Merlin trailed the back of his hand down Noah’s rosy cheek. “We’re ready, and they’ll cope.” He turned to scent Eggsy, washing away doubt with his confidence and security. “Let’s go home, Daddy.” Eggsy grinned into the kiss Merlin offered. Merlin tightened Eggsy’s scarf before he grabbed their bags and Noah while a nurse wheeled Eggst out.

Noah’s car seat was snapped into the base, they’d been prepared for weeks, making the trip home almost effortless. 

Snow fell around them as they headed up the walk. The bitter cold of January was harsh against his exposed skin, it made Eggsy fearful for their pup’s face. Merlin got them in as quickly as Eggsy’s sore body was allow, and settled in the sitting room with a warm fire where Eggsy gently unwrapped their tiny man. He was left alone while Merlin tended to JB and Gus, Merlin’s German Shepherd, and unpacked their things.

Which was fine with him, seeing as Noah decided then he’d wake from his slumber for a feed. Unfocused blue eyes stared up at what Eggsy assumed his face, but knew babies couldn’t see much yet. That didn’t stop him from talking to his son, humming to a songless tune and stroking his dark downy head of hair.

“Alright, lad’s. Time to meet the newest member.” Eggsy heard Merlin at the front door. He had Noah propped over his shoulder, satisfied when he let out a tiny burp, and tucked him into the crook of his arm. “Are we awake, Daddy?” Merlin asked, showing up in the archway with JB in an arm, and Gus’s collar gripped in his freehand.

Eggsy smiled, nodded, and waved them in.

“He eat?”

“A bit, yeah. Think he’s gonna need a change though.” His bum was a little squishy.

“I’ll get the bag.” Merlin left the boys, finding what Eggsy needed, and assisted in Noah’s diaper change. Eggsy didn’t need the help, but Noah always seemed calmer when his alpha Papa was around. “I dinnae know how something so tiny could make so much mess.” It didn’t smell like nothing yet, but it were kinda gross.

Eggsy silently agreed.

“Time to meet your brothers then, innit?” He nosed Noah’s cheek. Merlin hefted JB between them, Gus sat obediently in front of them; ever the patient canine. “Okay. This is JB, Noah. He’s gonna be your cuddle bug, teach you all about naps.” Eggsy winked at the pug, who’s head tipped curiously when Noah made a small noise.

He brought Noah toward the dog, allowing JB to sniff him. JB were a bit apprehensive, not sure what to make of Noah, and licked a finger before laying his head on Noah’s leg.

“Protector, aye. That’s a good lad.” Merlin praised, patting JB’s head and offered a treat.

Eggsy breathed a bit easier, then turned toward Gus who never took his eyes off Noah.

“And I know you ain’t gonna harm him, right? Papa taught you well.” Gus held his head with pride, but did look on curiously at the baby. Noah started to fuss a bit, tiny fists and feet wiggled a bit before he let out a full on cry. “Oh.” Eggsy went to take him away, except Gus nosed Noah’s hand.

Gus licked a small fist, then up his arm, and nosed him again until Noah’s cries lowered to whimpers that eventually stopped completely.

“You see that, babe?” Eggsy asked, stunned.

He could detect Merlin’s pride before he saw it reflected in the smile he held for his dog.

“I did.” Merlin slipped Gus a treat, as well, and kissed his muzzle. “Noah’s got himself a few protector’s, eh?” He scooped Eggsy close, only nudging JB a bit, and pressed lips to his temple.

Eggsy fully relaxed against him, welcoming the warmth of not only his comfort, but of their small family, that he denied himself. And it was in that moment Eggsy knew, they’d all be okay.

No harm would ever come to their precious boy.

[windywooshes]

Mike x Reader

It was a busy day. The night was fuming with the chatter and buzzing of the guests of the manor. All hurrying and preparing themselves. Acting, repeating, summarising...

As an annual tradition of the Oletus Manor, hunters and survivors joined sides to prepare a play for one another. Maybe it was a rabbit hole to Neverland, escaping the devouring gloominess of the house they inhabited for so long now. A way to cope and bond with one another. A solution to forget the fear and stress from matches and to just concentrate on things which are more pleasing and fun.

It all started with the first celebration from the veterans of the manor and evolved into a yearly event. Thanks to the growing amount of inhabitants, more roles could be given out this time as well. Those who weren't picked, had the joy of helping which seasoned the theatre piece with live and spirit in the first place.

Here you come in, as you were an important part of the beehive. Alongside Violetta, who was a very skilled hobbyist tailor, you produced the costumes and accessoires for the actors, cooperating with Miss Nightingale to design the most fitting and charming pieces you laid your eyes upon.

As you were more experienced with tiny knacks and decorations for the grande piece, you were in charge of the details and small additions to each piece of design, which brings us to the current nerve wrecking problem which snacked on your patience and energy like a patroller.

As it was laid out on the drafts, one of the costumes belonged to a certain someone. And this certain someone had a certain something on a very certain spot which you had the honor to do.

Your eyebrows furrowed as you tried your best to focus on the swing of the brush to make the desired artwork look as stunning as possible to fit the equally beautiful outfit (and man) in front of you. Yet whenever you tried to set your ink-coated tool down you heard a chuckle of the blonde and once you realised, the color was all smeared over the leg once again, squeezing out a sigh in frustration from your throat. Quickly grabbing the now golden tainted napkin for another time, you started to wipe off the glittering paint from Mike's leg.

It made you happy to see that the manor owner finally saw the potential in the young Acrobat, gifting him more skins and Emotes with each new season. Yet this one especially threw you into the cold water.

Mike patiently sat on the chair while you tried your best not to die from the weird situation you were thrown at. Brush in your dominant hand, shaking, you attempted once again to draw an elegant pattern of a rose on to the outside of his left tight which goes all the way down to his knee. One would tell you off for being too flustered by the nugget legs of the Acrobat as he usually wears skin tight outfits which showed just as much shape and form as his current choice. Yet you never got to see so much leg from this man. It was as if his bare skin was a forbidden apple, not allowed to be seen by the mere peasants of this world and you being one of them, committing a crime of disrespect against the gods.

It was a weird reaction as other survivors and equally hunters, showed off even more than this, yet you were fazed more by a leg than a victorian aristocrat from a bare knuckle could ever be. To underline the obvious, it could have a link to your slight adoration for the blonde. When your eyes landed on the energetic lad, your mind couldn't stop taking every bit of his presence in. Matches were the worst as you'd end up as a flustered mess, shaking and nervous, letting calibrations slip or reducing your kiting time drastically to barely 15 seconds incase you knew that he was watching you from a cipher. So many matches were lost, so many Blackjack games thrown into the dust. All because of one little distraction which was Mike Morton himself.

While you were suffering, Mike was clearly enjoying himself too much. As your head never dared to look up towards him, you couldn't spot the cheeky grin which grew on his lips since you were given your task. Too focused on it. Yet here he was, enjoying every little bit of this fiasco. Playing with your hair, wiggling his legs while you set down for a stroke, standing up to get a drink...it didn't matter, as long as he could cause a bit of a trouble and have you there with him on the spot, he would sparkle like a little firecracker. Chuckling whenever he saw your adorable pouting face next to him while you tried not to make your head explode from all the frustration. His cheeky attitude found a stop when you put the brush down and rushed off to the side to finally get something to drink and snack on.

„Don't overdo it, Morton.“

A hand on his shoulder, broke him out of his trance watching how you were talking to Vera at the tables. Turning around he found old Burke himself, nudging his head before leaving him again. But not with Mike. Quickly jumping from his seat, he followed the inventor, throwing two of his juggle balls in one hand just to keep himself a bit busy.

„I think, I didn't quiet catch that, sir ?“ he said, smiling up at the frowning elder as he came to a stop.

„You shouldn't stress the poor kid out for too longer. Otherwise they'll end up like Guard 10. Not a pretty sight.“ he sighed and rubbed his chin, looking off to the side at the target themselves.

„They are very fond of you, so don't play around with that.“

And like an old wise man, he disappeared all of a sudden- to the food table.

Spotting how you finished your small break and waving a goodbye to the others who joined you, the blonde rushed back to his seat. But with a thought bugging his mind like a mosquito in summer.

„Well then...shall we try again ? This time no knee-head-bumps though.“, you chuckled as you bend your wrists a bit to get them warmed up again before taking up the seemingly impossible task once again. But when you looked up with a small smile grazing your lips, you found Mike looking a bit more uncomfortable than he was before.

„Are you okay ?“

He shook his head and put his hands up, his little sunny side up smile back on the spot where it belonged.

„All good~ don't worry about it, (Y/N).“

Yet once your head ducked down, Mike's ears tinted pinkish due to the high blood flow and heart rate. What if Burke was right ? How would he know about your feelings for him though ? He wasn't even sure about them himself. His head started to fume and before he knew it, he felt a bonk and a head on his lap. A groan of frustration emitting from the bush of hair.

It seemed that Morton started to wiggle his left leg without noticing while lost in thoughts. Much to the dismay of the poor part-time artist who just tried their best to get the job done. Regaining your mind, you noticed that the male stopped his shenanigans and your rather awkward position. Firstly you didn't want to look, yet you were rather nosy to know what Mike's face looks like. If it would hold any reaction in it besides his smily facade. And you were not disappointed. Now not only his ears but nearly his entire face became a reddish hue, especially after he felt your tight grip on his leg which you just tried to put in place for half a minute before.

Seeing THE Mike Morton blush like this, trying to hide his face behind his knuckles, it was satisfying. Not in a mean way but rather in a ‚hah, that's for all that teasing from before‘ way. But you didn't want to blow your facade for now. Clearing your throat you apologised for the small outburst, receiving a choked up ‚hm‘ as a response. Usually you'd end up a flustered mess but oh how the turns have tabled. It was difficult to hold in the laughter. The acrobat tried his best to avoid any eye contact for now but you didn't mind as you still had a small comeback in mind which you want to squeeze into his arms before leaving for your other duties. Now that the man stood still, you also finally managed to finish the golden rose on his leg.

But before he could even take some time to thank you after he cooled himself off, he felt a soft sensation on his tight. Pulling your lips away from his exposed skin you couldn't hold back the grin which krept up your cheeks like predators to their prey.

With one last poke on the nose, you left the man on the chair. A carousel of emotions twirling around his heart as he stumbled through the lobby, on his way to rehearsal.

[ibelieveinharrystyles]

Chapter Five: Here We Go Again

I hope you’re all enjoying the story so far! this part is a bit shorter than the rest 

Not like this. Not again. This wasn’t how Ashley pictured it in her head, in her head she’d be nearly thirty, living with her partner in a stable and long term relationship. Instead she was sitting on her toilet in the small terraced house she shared with her daughter, who has zero contact with her biological father. The two lines were back, the two lines that kicked off the whirlwind of Daisy’s life. She had no clue if they were ready, it was hardly an ideal situation to bring a baby into, the world was in a state of crisis, Harry was stuck in America, promising he was trying his hardest to get home. “Mummy! Mummy! I need your help.” Daisy shouting outside the bathroom brought her straight back down to earth, she was just about coping with Daisy as a single parent, how in hell would she manage two. 

“What is it Daisy?” Ashley asked, doing everything in her power not to be frustrated, Daisy was only three years old so it was difficult for her to make sense of the whole lockdown situation. She was restless and Ashley was struggling, it was hard enough being a single parent, but being in a situation where you’re unable to experience human interaction with another adult was extremely tough. 

“Mummy I want fish fingers for my tea.” Daisy told her, taking Ashley’s hand and leading her towards the kitchen, the days continued to drag on and become more and more repetitive. It worried Ashley to think she could end up as a single parent all over again.

Daisy was finally in bed after many tantrums and Ashley had finally sat herself down on the sofa, she was ready to watch another episode of Friends when her phone began to buzz. She glanced at it to see Harry’s picture light up the screen, since he was still in LA the time zone difference meant her evenings were his mornings. “Hi love how’s it going?” Harry asked from the other end of the facetime call.

“I’m shattered H, Daisy’s continuing to run rings around me.” Ashley sighed.

“Oh Ash, I wish I could be there with you, I’ve tried booking flights but they all keep falling through.” Harry told her. 

“I get it H, I do,” She didn’t get it really, she knew how much Harry was worth, and she knew that he could get a private jet over to the UK at the drop of a hat, but here she was, thousands of miles away from the man she loved more than anyone else. “H, there is something I wanted to tell you-” 

“Hey, Dad wants to know if you’re up for a bike ride?” She heard from Harry’s room as someone entered who she assumed was Kaia, knowing Harry was staying with them.

“Yeah sure, I’ll be one minute,” Harry replied, “Hey love, I’ve got to head off now, what was it you had to tell me?” Harry said, returning to her.

“Nothing, it’s not important.” Ashley told him, she hated to speak of her new pregnancy like that, but in some ways it felt wrong telling Harry on facetime that they would be having a baby, “I’ll speak to you soon.”

“See you later angel.” Harry smiled, and there she was once again, alone with no company but her own, she sat in silence, waiting for something to happen, waiting for Harry to burst through her front door and tell her it was all a joke and he was back in London. But it didn’t happen, it remained silent.

The following morning was thankfully a day off for Ashley, she was exhausted from the week she’d just had. They were still presenting the breakfast show, just from the comfort of their own homes to minimise risk. She was so sleepy that she’d bought Daisy into her room when she woke on, put the TV on and cuddled up under her duvet. Eventually Daisy became restless and Ashley worked out that she probably needed to get out of the house for a bit. Once they were both dressed and ready to go out they made their way downstairs to the front door where several envelopes were waiting on the floor. She opened the first one as she helped Daisy put her little yellow raincoat on, not really looking at it properly, once she’d got Daisy ready, she realised what it was for. The crown prosecution service had chosen a date for Will’s trial, after what he put her through back in December she wanted to see him get the longest sentence possible. Will was out on remand, seeing as he wasn’t viewed as a threat to society, but it worries Ashley, it worried her that she was expected to give evidence in front of a room of strangers.

Ashley and Daisy eventually made it outside for their daily walk, Daisy running ahead down the path. Ashley took a seat on the bench, watching as her crazy daughter ran in circles on the patch of grass in front of her. “Hello Ashley.” She looked up, there was Will, he looked different, but she knew it was him. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ashley asked, standing up to maintain some kind of distance.

“I’m just passing through, how have you been?” Will replied.

“I was doing alright until the date of your trial came through in the post this morning.” Ashley told him.

“That’s not really my fault though is it?” Will replied.

“It’s not your fault that I had to have seven stitches in my forehead and I was almost operated on for an internal bleed? Of course not Will.” Ashley remarked.

“You know what I mean, it’s petty shit.” 

“You and I both know Harry’s lawyers will take you to the cleaners, you’re just scared of how this trial might pan out.” Ashley shot back.

“How is Harry? Still keeping my side of the bed warm?” Will asked.

“It never was your side of the bed,” Ashley sighed, “Daisy come on we’re going!” She called to her daughter, “And for the record Will, Harry is one hundred times the man you’ll ever be.” She told him bluntly before taking hold of Daisy’s hand and leaving the park.

Ashley was lonely, time zones played havoc with a long distance relationship, she was so drained from running around after Daisy, with the morning sickness on top of that she had no energy by the evening to facetime Harry. She laid on the sofa, cupping her belly that was only slightly protruding, she hoped things would be easier than when Daisy was born, Daisy had arrived unexpectedly early and she didn’t want to have to face that ordeal again. Before she could fall asleep Louis’ name flashed up on her phone, she answered it promptly, “Is that my favourite Donny lad?” She answered, since the UK had gone into lockdown Louis had been like a rock to Ashley, he understood how difficult long distance relationships could be and he knew how hard Harry would find being on the other side of the world from both Ashley and Daisy.

“I’m very well darling, how are you?” Louis asked, when she’d come on tour with the boys Louis always made sure to look out for Ashley when Harry was around, Ashley always assumed it was his big brother instinct.

“I won’t lie to you Louis, it's all a big mess.” Ashley sighed.

“Oh darlin’ what’s wrong?” Louis asked.

“I got a letter about the trial, it's been moved to July and they’re going to call me for evidence.” Ashley explained.

“You know we’re all going to back you, don’t you love?” Louis assured her.

“Yeah, I know,” Ashley told him, “That’s not the worst of it though.” 

“What’s up?”

“I did a pregnancy test, it came back positive.” Ashley told him, “And I’m bloody terrified, Harry’s in a whole different continent and I’m here wondering how I’m going to tell him we’re having a baby.”

“Oh love I’m so happy for you, I know it seems like a mess at the moment, but eventually life will start to make sense again.” Louis assured her.

“I don’t even know how to tell Harry, he seems so happy over in LA, and I wouldn’t want to ruin that.” Ashley replied. 

“Darlin’ I know how much he adores you and Daisy, he will be over the moon when you tell him,” Louis explained, “You’ll work through it, I promise.” 

“I hope so Louis, I really do.”

Harry had been non stop busy since he had been in LA, he found himself accidentally missing Ashley’s texts and calls.  The sun was rising as he arrived back home in Malibu from a run, he pulled out his phone to pause his music, he noticed he had several missed calls from Ashley, realising he had missed their daily facetime, it would be the evening back in London and Ashley would be going to bed soon. “Hey baby, how’s it going?” Harry asked as Ashley answered his call, curled up in bed under her white duvet.

“It’s not been too great H,” she muttered.

“Is everything alright Ash?” Harry asked, the concern in his voice raising.

“They’ve set a date for Will’s trial, it's the 17th July, you’ll be back home by then won’t you?” She said.

“Of course love, I won’t let you face that trial alone, I promise I’ll be right there beside you.” Harry assured her, “I miss you so much my angel, I’m going to do my very best to get home to you and Dais, I can’t wait till I can hold you again.” 

[darling-has-a-smol-heart]

🌻 tell me whatever you'd like, i would love to listen <33

THANK YOU HACE I LOVE YOU SM--

After ages of thinking, i decided i want to nerd about Bojack horseman.

You don't need to read all of this essay, just the chance to actually PUT these thoughts somewhere makes me happy <3

*rubs hands*

OK SO

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE CHARACTER ARCS

I am trash at wording so don't be surprised if this is poorly redacted.

(A LOTTA SPOILERS AHEAD)

Bojack is by far the most relatable character in the show, for me at least. It's funny how this series teached me how to make relatability via struggles. I've never seen such an accurate representation of depression, and some episodes hit real close to home- for example, the "Stupid piece of sh-t" monologue at the beginning of the episode of the same name. They don't dramatize it, like OTHER SHOWS DO- (Yes 13ReasonsWhy I'm looking at you), and paint an accurate picture of how this illness holds Bojack back from being the better person he wants to be. His relationship with his mom was... Interesting to say the least.

The old Sugarman Place episode was haunting. Showing how the abuse from Beatrice's father shaped her into the person she ended up being. And how the cycle of abuse painfully repeats for generations. Her brother's death, her having to deal with his mother's grief and depression alone since her asshole dad didn't do sh-t to help the family move on after Crackerjack's death, and her mother's eventual and tragic lobotomy.

Just,,, Jesus this show.

Another thing I love about it, is how it made me understand that it was okay to emphasize with Beatrice, but one needed to understand that it didn't justify all the horrible abuse SHE put on Bojack, forever hammering in his head the "Don't stop dancing" motto.

Now, back to Bojack cuz BOY this is going to be a long essay.

The moment i knew this show was special was in season 2's "Escape from LA" another 'fuck-your-mind-up-and-move-on' episode. The things Bojack did were so terrible that- I mean i couldn't believe it. I was thinking all along "Nah, he wouldn't do it, he's the protagonist, he can't be THAT bad-"

AND THEM BOOM.

The mf almost sleeps with a 17-year-old and the show slaps you in the face with the realization that THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED-

Something that makes me laugh are the consequences, not because they're stupid or anything like that. But were painfully accurate.

I think my mind was as anxious as Bojack's. Once the ACTUAL truth about his involvement in Sarah Lynn's death, and the cycles of abuse of power in his relationships came to the public eye, came what I expected: people actively shutting him out, insulting him, giving him those horrid judging looks,,, urgh- i felt that. (That second interview that revealed everything could have gone better, but it also could have gone worse. They didn't even explore the Escape from LA incident, or Gina's strangling in Bojack's opioid lash out.)

But yeah, once after the events of The view from halfway down (THAT I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO COVER CUZ OH GOD I WON'T FINISH) things start,,, looking up? Sure, Bojack gets arrested for trespassing (even though he affirms that he thinks it was for a but if everything) and he spends a good time there with the other inmates, they participate in plays, and even Bojack himself admits that he would go as a volunteer once he was out of jail.

I thought the consequences were going to be WAY worse, but when you look back at it you go: "Huh, well that wasn't that bad-"

Now, the final episode.

I LOVE the relationship between BJ and Mr. Peanut butter. The lad finally decides to dedicate time to himself and to not to worry about his marriages. You just gotta love this dog.

Then, Princess Caroline.

I LOVE HER OK?

Her entire character arc about being a mother and finally letting go of his codependency on Bojack was magical.

Seeing the roots of her impulsive "i have to take care of everything" attitude through the 6 seasons allowed me to see her grow, change. Seeing her triumph and fail (very painfully sometimes, man).

In the final scene with her it's so wonderful to see Bojack cheering on her, and Princess Caroline openly admitting she won't work with him anymore. And both just, dancing peacefully to the vals, accepting that their relationship is over with such big smiles... *Sobs*

God. This. SHOW.

And now, good boy Todd.

I kind of relate to him too, and it gives me hope to see him being so independent after everything.

After Bojack ruined his Rock Opera so he wouldn't leave, after he also rescued him from that Improv cult, after all of the good, and ALSO the bad. He leaves.

He goes to make his new life, with his girlfriend, in a new apartment, and now in a good relationship with his mom. It's so wholesome I love Todd sm-

And even after actively pushing back from Bojack, he's still there to support him and cheer him up, even backing off so he doesn't get pulled into that again.

His words in his final scene always stuck with me "It was nice while it lasted right?"

Perfect.

And now,,,, Diane.

Holy cow where do I even start.

I do agree with most fans about how she wasn't "as good" in the first season, and how that changed in season 6, where we see her in a more domestic environment.

Now, I always loved Diane. I emphasized a lot with her struggles of being a writer (those episodes made ma laugh), not appreciating the little things we have, and wanting to do great things but- not- quite reaching it.

I always found interesting how she never let go of Bojack until it was "too late"

They always brought up the worse in each other, two people with the same unhealthy coping mechanisms isn't exactly a good combination.

I teared up when she moved out with Guy and actually learned to trust the feeling of safety, after a whole life of being used to abuse, that was everything that made sense to her. But it didn't have to stay like that. It was hard for her to start taking her antidepressants again but she did and she got better! (Shame Bojack pushed her into breaking point-)

The last scene, of her, of Bojack, of the entire series, I always rewatch "Nice while it lasted" for this scene only.

She confronts him on how he called her before he almost drowned in a pool. She thought he was dead, she thought it was her fault for not saving him. But as Bojack said "It was never her job". But he always made her feel like it was.

Oof... You can't actually fix that, can you?

Diane's "You can be grateful for the people around you, even if they weren't meant to be in your life forever" hit me like a truck. It actually helped me to learn to cut ties, that it was okay to be grateful, to not forgive horrible things, to move on and wish the other person the very best.

And then they sit, staring at the night sky, Catherine Feeny's Mr. Blue starts playing.

And I am bawling my eyes out.

That moment of silence, when there's nothing to say, when you both understand that this is it, and there's nothing else to do than to admire the night.

God. THIS. SHOWWWW,,,,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

And lastly, thank you so much for this opportunity Jace, i love you so much <3

This series has helped me a lot (like you have <33) and I'm just so happy to share my nerdiness of this show <3

[ts-unpopular-opinions]

Side Track Opinions part 5: Roman

(I’ve been saving Roman for a while now and I am PUMPED! So here’s a late birthday present to our royal lad ❤️ It’s also super nice to save the creativitwins for last because both of their playlists reference each other quite a bit 👌)

1) A Gay Disney Prince: I mean... are any of us surprised? This song is basically Roman’s anthem, so it was bound to be on his playlist. I do find it interesting that both Roman and Remus are the only sides with songs made by Thomas on their playlists. I guess it goes to show that having a big ego runs in the creative family 😂

2) Wonderboy: Only two songs in and we already have a song about Remus, or “young Nastyman, archrival and nemesis of Wonderboy” in this case. You’ll start to get the idea from Roman’s playlist that he really misses being with his bro. This song portrays Roman as almost a perfect and untouchable force. He is seperated from all of his nasty thoughts and is the perfect embodiment of what Thomas sees creativity as (“High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds, There sits Wonderboy, sitting oh so proudly. Not much to say when you're high above the mucky-muck.”). I like to imagine that the singer of the song is Thomas, looking to Roman for comfort. Creativity most likely split as a way for Thomas to, not very healthily, cope with his intrusive thoughts (“Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power? Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck man?”). It’s also interesting to note that at the end of the song, Roman and Remus seemingly join forces very successfully (“Well, Wonderboy and Young Nastyman joined forces; they formed a band the likes of which have never been seen”). Perhaps this is hinting at either Romans want to have his bother back, or possibly foreshadowing to their relationship dynamic in the future. I know I’d love to see Roman and Remus team up together in future episodes, maybe even against Patton and Janus in the next episode?

3) Disney Princess: This song is all about Roman dreaming about being in the lives of different disney princesses. Honestly it’s not super deep, but it does show just how much Roman loves to fantasize about escaping reality and living in his ideal dream world. He wishes his life were more interesting and exciting like what you would see in a movie. Also, Roman is SO desperate for someone to love him... poor guy (“I'd be a handsome man's wife And we'd kiss and we'd kiss And we'd kiss”).

4) Broadway, Here I Come!: (tw suicide) So this song is... interesting. It can be interpreted in two different ways: one being a song about how making it on broadway is a huge leap and very difficult, and another about a person literally jumping off of a building and commiting suicide. I always think of Logic vs Passion during this song because while Roman believes he is acchieving his dreams and is willing to take risks, Logan just believes he’s setting himself up for failure. I think Logan’s view on Thomas’ life and career choice is very hard on Roman and, by the topic of the song, affects him greatly (“The people all are pointing. I bet they'd never guess, That the saint that they're anointing Is frightened of the mess”). He doesn’t know if Thomas will succeed and that makes him doubt himself and causes his work to suffer (“The pressure it increases, The closer that I get” “And the last thing I hear. As the impact grows near, Is it a scream or a cheer?”).

5) Hallelujah: This song, like the one before it, shows a lot of Roman’s insecurities. Roman has a set plan for Thomas in life, but he constantly doubts it and himself due to the comments he gets from other sides (“Somedays I don't think my mama Thinks I'm good enough to be a superstar” “Somedays I don't think my daddy Thinks I'm good enough to be a superstar”). I don’t know specifically which sides he could be talking about in these two lines, but Logan is definately one of them. I like to think he could also be talking about Patton. I mean Roman probably worries constantly about being too much like Remus and disappointing Patton. Roman probably literally thinks that Patton doesnt think hes GOOD enough. Despite all of this self doubt, Roman still seems determined to reach his dreams and prove the others wrong (“But one day I will show him I'm a diamond in the rough, I'll be a superstar” “Yeah, there's a crown covered in glitter and gold I'm gonna wear it, whether you like it or not”).

6) Holding Out for a Hero: This song is from Thomas’ perspective! Thomas DOES see Roman as his hero despite what Janus’ not at the end of the most recent episode may have you believe. Roman acts as Thomas’ protection from all of his darker and more disturbing thoughts. Thomas uses Roman, a picture perfect image of creativity to help him escape from all the bad things in life and in his head (“Where have all the good men gone And where are all the gods? Where's the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and I turn And I dream of what I need”). Thomas literally created Roman to be a perfect knight in shining armor. The singer in the song shows this by listing off everything that they believe a hero needs to be/have, Similar to what Thomas would have done in the creation of Roman.

7) If I Dare: I’m conflicted about what this song could mean. At first glance it seems to be about Roman willing to do anything in order to get more creative control over Thomas (“If I dare to risk it, then I know that I'm willing to. If I dare to want this, to want more than I have” “I am holding out for more than what I have now”). Roman really wants to be trusted more and would seemingly take huge risks in order to get that. The part that throws me off is this line: “When the room gets dark, and I am quiet. There's a voice that's soft, like someone's silhouette Saying, "Don't let me go yet"”. To me, this sounds like its about Remus. Possibly Remus begging Roman to not get rid of him and to remain as one. What confuses me is that the line felt so out of place with the rest of the songs meaning. I’m not sure what to do with that information, but if anyone has ideas, let me know.

8) Go the Distance: Roman is so patient... and so unrealistically hopeful... He continues to lay down and let the other sides get their ways because he believes that the wait will be worth it when he finally gets his say (“I'll be there someday, I can go the distance” “I know every mile would be worth my while” “And a thousand years would be worth the wait. It might take a lifetime but somehow I'll see it through”). Despite how many times hes been ignored and let down, he continues to hope that his chance may come one day. Theres also this line: “But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part. For a hero's strength is measured by his heart, oh” which makes me think big time of SvS. He gave up his glory in favor of what Patton wanted because he thinks that it was the more heroic thing to do.

9) Flamboyant: The title really says it all. Roman is extra™️ and he knows that all of the other sides think so too (“I'm a very flaming flammable guy. Some say my fire burns way too high. Some say they find me too hot to touch. But I, I think it's not enough”). I also think its important to note that this song feels a bit out if place with the canon Roman that we know. From what we’ve seen of Roman, he holds back a lot. He denies a great deal of his greed and wants in order to make the others happy and fill in his “hero” persona. This song portrays Roman as having no restraint and not wanting the others to boss him around (“Don't tell me what to do, Don't tell me what to say” “Turn down? I never do” “And no time for restraint”). I’d love to see more of this assertive side of Roman in canon, but right now you can tell that he is holding back. He wishes he didn’t have to, but he feels as though it is necessary to distance himself from Remus.

10) Jumpstarted: Let me set the scene. Thomas is just out an about enjoying his day, he holds open the starbucks door for the guy behind him and... omg... he’s hot... he’s the love of your life Thomas! Roman the proceeds to fanticize about marrying and starting a family with this one random guy that they’ve never talked to nor seen before (“The only one I want is you. I hear the bells and the ring and already, Four kids and the big ol' wedding Singing, You” “And how was I to make a long walk home. You got me feeling like I'm overdosed”). This whole song is just Roman singing about his head-over heals love for a guy in Thomas’ head while Thomas has to act normal and even warns the dude to run away while he has the chance (“Take my advice and run while you still can”). Roman’s quite a hopeless romantic.

11) Brave New Girl: Remember how I said Roman has been holding back and trying to be more polite in order to make himself less like Remus? Well this song is the opposite of that. This is what Roman wants. Roman wants to let lose and be his wildest self again (“She wants a good time” “She needs to really really find what she wants” “There's a brave new girl And she's comin' out tonight” “Who knew she could feel so alive” “Won't take a back seat”). I like to imagine this song taking place after the events of POF. I mean if the others are just going to accept that Janus is good now, then does that mean Remus is good too? If that the case, then what was the point of him and Remus splitting in the first place? This song makes me think that Roman and Remus could team up together in either the next episode, or future episodes to come. Roman is lost and doesn’t really know why he is who he is anymore, so he seeks out Remus, the only one who really understands what he’s going through (“So she met this man, He was kinda rough. He said, girl, what you lookin' for? She said, I don't know I go with the flow. He said, let's get on the floor”). The man in this song could also be Janus I suppose. He does compliment the singer and flatter her, but after the events of the last episode, I find it hard to believe that Roman would be willing to fall for Janus’ flattery again.

12) Every Boy: Roman wants to kiss every boy in the world... and it’s never enough. That is all.

13) Primadonna: What a bop! This song is honestly so good! Again with Roman’s songs making him out to be a lot greedier and wild than he actually has acted in canon (“You can count on me to misbehave”). This song is what I imagine Roman would act like if he had nothing to worry about other than being himself. Roman wants a lot of things and he wants everyone to adore him for the beautiful prince he is (“All I ever wanted was the world” “I can't help that I need it all” “When you give, I want more, more, more” “I wanna be adored” “I know I've got a big ego”).

14) King: You can already tell by the name what this song is about. I’m honestly shocked how obvious it is. At this point we don’t know who made the decision for creativity to split, but this song and a couple of others in the playlist seem to suggest that it was the Roman part of original creativity who decided to push Remus out. He felt as though it was the only way to successfully move forward (“I had to break myself to carry on”). The others sides (I’d like to imagine Patton) tried to convince Creativity to split and despite his not wanting to. His decision to split seemed like it was a very hard one to make and left a lot of pain in its wake (“They say it's easy to leave you behind. I don't want to try” “Is it worth the price?”). Original creativity felt powerful and strong when he was whole, so of course he didn’t want to split (“I was a king under your control”). The song seems to suggest that he tried to repress his ‘Remus’ thoughts in order to remain whole and not lose a part of himself, but this could only work for so long (“Don't wanna have to lose All that I've compromised to feel another high. I've got to keep it down tonight”). In the end, the Roman side of creativity finally won out and both Roman and Remus decided to let each other go (“I wanna feel like you've let me go, So let me go”).

15) Cheap Queen: This song really shows Roman’s struggle with his identity. He’s so quick to change for others in order to be accepted by them (“I can be good sometimes. I'm a cheap queen. I can be a what you like. And I can be bad sometimes. I'm a real queen. I can make grown men cry” “I'm gettin' too cocky since everyone wants me, It's harder to be myself”). This convices me that the way that he’s been acting in the last few episodes (not insulting anyone, very opposed to Janus) is soley him trying to prove that he is good and nothing like Remus. He’s been hiding his true self which we see a lot of in episodes before Remus was introduced. Roman doesn’t want to disappoint Patton in fear of Patton wanting him to split again.

16) Humility: ANOTHER song about Remus. This song is really interesting. It shows us that Roman is VERY confused about his opinion on Remus. He’s lonely and feels incomplete without Remus, He NEEDS Remus back (“I need you in the picture That's why I'm calling you” “I'm the lonely twin, the left hand” “I don't want this isolation” “See the state I'm in now?”). Right after Roman has these thoughts and feelings though, he instantly tries to block them out and retrain the idea that Remus is bad (“Reset myself and get back on track”). He wants Remus back so badly and feels some sort of remorse for kicking him out, but then he ignores those emotions and acts like he hates Remus another moment (“If I pick it up when I know that it's broken Do I put it back? Or do I head out onto the lonesome trail And let you down?”).

17) Aint Got it Like That: Roman is greedy and wants a lot of things, we’ve established this. Most of this song is about how Roman wants more than what he has now, but he still believes it will come if he just waits long enough (“'Cause I ain't really got it like that And one day Imma have it like that And I know that it can't stay this way And one day Imma finally get paid”).

18) Dreamer: I’m not sure whose perspective this song is from, but this feels like a comfort song to Roman. We know that he has a lot of insecurities and struggles to create things because he worries that his ideas won’t be good enough or will be too much like Remus’ ideas. But this song goes completely against that mindset. It’s what Roman wants to hear: “Dream little dreamer, Don't care what they say” “You can do anything” “Dream like you won't fail. Sing like no one's there. Dance like you don't care. Dream.” “Don't fear little dreamer, You'll get there one day” “And I know that it's scary, But you'll succeed” “You're exeptional, You're original” “You're magnificent, You're sensational”.

19) Paving the Runway: This feels like a song from Roman to Thomas and gosh it just feels so loving and sweet... Roman has such big dreams for Thomas and he has so much faith in him (“Cause I know that one day you're gonna fly”). He encourages Thomas to go for his dreams and excel, something that he is hardly told himself (“Go after your dreams, Crazy as they may seem. Go chase all the stars in the sky” “You will reach higher than I ever could”). Roman does everythig he can to set Thomas up for success and to help him reach his dreams (“Darling, stand on my shoulders” “Baby, I'll be paving the runway”).

20) Go.: Again, I’m not sure who the singer of this song is, but I can tell its exactly what Roman wants/needs to hear. Roman is very clearly holding back due to his fear of becoming too much like Remus and that is making it very hard to do his job (“The fear within Has held you hostage. Break free and live. GO.”). This is a good song to be Roman’s last song because I think it helps to show us where Roman’s character is going in the future. He is going to let lose and relax eventually. Perhaps this will lead to him creating the better relationship with Remus that he’s been hoping for throughout this whole playlist. I predict that next episode, well start to see some of this newer, less refrained creativity from Roman.

(And that’s that! If you can tell that theres some tension between Roman and Remus from this playlist, just you wait for Remus’! As usual, let me know what you thought of this ❤️ Love you guys!)

[koinoyokvn]

* / 𝐈 𝐍 𝐓 𝐑 𝐎 𝐃 𝐔 𝐂 𝐓 𝐈 𝐎 𝐍

* CODY CHRISTIAN, CISMALE + HE/HIM  | you know BRADLEY ‘BOOG’ RADWELL, right? they’re TWENTY-FOUR, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, SIX YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to INFRA-RED BY THREE DAYS GRACE like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole late night 'open’ signs flickering, a dirty car filled with empty coffee cups & a dopey smile with sleepy, drooping eyes thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is november 4, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

back at it again at krispy kreme — but here’s my second mad lad n after this i will start coming to everyone w my hands open for some plots n interactions <3

trigger warnings: child abuse tw & self-harm tw / omg forgot to add hospital n death tw too

* / 𝐁 𝐀 𝐒 𝐈 𝐂 𝐒

hair: dirty blonde

eyes: blue

build: broad & toned

height: 5′8″ or 173 cm

weight: 163 lbs or 74 kg

distinguishing features: a hand tattoo on his left hand of a sunset, a sleeve tattoo on his right forearm of a yellow and green dragon, a tattoo of a jorogumo (spider-woman) in front of a waterfall on his right shoulder blade, red and white chrysanthemums on his left calf, a light blue ‘x’ on his left collarbone, and dozens of uniquely designed band-aid tattoos splattered on his biceps and thighs

distinguishing style: hoodies and jeans for days, he’s a bit of a collector of ‘irving’ tourist merch, other than that, toques and plaid and chains with darker palettes

* / 𝐇 𝐈 𝐒 𝐓 𝐎 𝐑 𝐘

bradley was born in a small town in maine. at the time, everything he thought was normal for a child to endure. now that he’s older, he knows it isn’t. growing up, he was a trained liar. he doesn’t like lying now but can spit one out faster and smoother than he’d like to admit. his mother was naive and so young and his father was cruel and lived in the world only for himself. never a good combination.

there were a lot of times bradley would go to school with no food. he would always say he rushed out of the house and forgot because he slept in. his father spent all the grocery money to drink. bradley would fall asleep at school. he would always say it’s because he’s scared of the dark. he was actually scared of his father and would spend the night in his bedroom closet that could lock. bradley would cry and flinch at loud noises and the sound of glass crashing. he would say it’s because he’s just like a deer, easily scared. his father would throw things at him if he so much as stepped out of line (but bradley never knew what that line was). he would endure it all for his mother, who would sometimes come into his room, scoop him up in her arms when things calmed down, and sing to him. it’s these moments he’d remember fondly, the moments where she managed to keep some money for herself and get a good supper for the two.

it truly felt like it was him and his mother against the world. there were a few times where bradley would slip up, say something wrong at school, make an offhand comment about home to his friend, and child services would get involved. however, his father would clean up for these visits. his mother could’ve been an amazing movie actress, as well. bradley was also on his way there — but it was his mistake that they all pretended. he would always get punished for it later. 

sometimes the arguing would get too much. when he cried enough tears from inside the closet, he would run. run to his uncle’s house. he’d ask to stay for a few days. his uncle always said yes. but this would always spell trouble in the long run. his uncle was rowdy, always trying to get his sister out of such a terrible situation, and would butt his head whenever he got a chance. his uncle would often make the fighting worse. all bradley needed was a break, though, he promised.

he was almost finished high school. he took up odd jobs if he wasn’t in school so he didn’t pass with stellar grades or anything. some were even impressed that he managed to end up on the graduation list at all. he had saved up enough money, between him and his mother, to eventually leave his father. there was a light at the end of the tunnel. but, once again, the fighting became too much.

this time, he stayed at a friend’s house. he always had his money on him. he couldn’t trust the nooks and crannies of that house, his father would always worm his slimy fingers into them. he always blamed himself for not staying at his uncle’s that night... or even at home. because this time, the fighting really did become too much and things went too far. 

a frantic call from his uncle in the dead of the night sent bradley on a frenzy. his father had beaten his mother so badly that she was hospitalized. put into a coma with extensive head trauma. bradley left his friend’s on account of emergency but didn’t end up going to the hospital. no, no, no. it was the only time bradley could call himself his father’s son.

that same night, his father died in a car crash. the police ruled it as a collision involving drunk driving. though, there were damages that pointed towards another vehicle ramming into the car. there were no other vehicles on scene when they arrived and the road wasn’t monitored to pull up security footage. however, the only next of kin his father had was bradley and his mother. everything fell onto bradley.

his father, at least, had some funds stashed away in a bank account. it was enough to cover the funeral. but not enough to cover the hospital fees. and bradley felt like he was going insane existing in the house he grew up in. he was going insane just being in the same town he grew up in. everybody seemed to know his business.

so, like he and his mother promised, he ran away. his uncle is the only one who knows his whereabouts now and bradley made him promise not to tell anyone else. but, instead of taking the whole amount, bradley only took half of what he and his mother saved. he used the other half to go towards his mother’s hospital bills. 

bradley, now telling people to call him boog, drifted for a bit. picking up odd jobs for a week or two to feed himself. he needed to find a new home. he needed to be anywhere else but maine. now, he thought about the glamourous cities but felt like it didn’t suit him. eventually, he came to irving. and he liked it. so he stayed here.

boog is called boog because he was a bit of a snotty kid. he was constantly ill with the common cold, linked directly to his home situation. he often had sinus infections because of it. so, mean kids would often call him ‘booger’. eventually, booger became boog and it was just a part of him. he was a laidback individual and the nickname lost its insulting meaning by the time he reached high school but by then, most people called him by his surname. bradley feels too personal. 

boog works two jobs, as well as doing several odd jobs around the neighborhood he settled in. he stocks at the local grocery store, working 3pm to 11pm. he also works at a midnight diner, working from 12am to 8am. he gets some sleep for the morning, then gets right back to it. on his days off, he’s often seen mowing other people’s lawn, cleaning cars and houses, and doing small fix-it jobs around properties. he’s a busybody for sure. but not only does he have to support himself, he has to make sure the hospital bills for his mother are being paid. after all these years, it’s still him and his mother against the world. 

in the six years of being in irving, boog developed some nasty coping mechanisms. any time work became too overwhelming or he couldn’t make a payment and was faced with a late fee, bradley felt like a failure to the point where he would engage in self-harm. he was alone mostly, other than at work or out with his friends, so it was a lot of time to wrestle with this idea that he wouldn’t be enough to keep his mother alive. he would cut his biceps and thighs, places he could easily conceal his scars with t-shirts or shorts. he would cut at work in the men’s bathroom or cut in the closet of his bedroom. familiar places, places where he could hide. 

however, it got out of hand when he cut too deep on his thigh and it affected the way he walked. the visible limp raised concern from coworkers, friends, and neighbors. finally done with lying, he admitted to self-harm to those he trusted. his friends encouraged him to go to counselling and to reach out when he felt the urge.

it’s been a year since he’s last self-harmed. since then, he’s covered his scars with band-aid tattoos, each of them a design from someone he’s felt close enough to tell about his progress. there are still some to be covered, but he’s always mused there’s always friends to be made that could help him cover it up.

* / 𝐏 𝐄 𝐑 𝐒 𝐎 𝐍 𝐀 𝐋 𝐈 𝐓 𝐘

boog is hardworking and determined and doesn’t hesitate to push his limits. of course, this all comes to his physicality and his work ethic. he’s not all too bright, otherwise. he can’t contest life’s many questions, he’s too busy memorizing regular orders, the truck order for the next night, and what his friend’s favourite things are. he’s a very present individual, in that he can’t worry about the future or the past too much. and above all else, boog is kind. 

he never asks for anything in return for the deeds he does. he always repays a favour. and he always extends a helping hand. he thinks being a neighborly person is the pinnacle of humanity and does his best to emulate that. however, that makes for some clashes with his dull mind, as he can often be mistaken or say the wrong thing. his gold heart does make up for his lack of brightness.

boog has also learned patience. patience with the world, patience with himself. he didn’t get angry much before but when he did, it was pent up and built over years of being complacent. it was never a good thing to lose his temper. however, over the course of his regular counselling, he has learned to be more self-aware and express his frustrations in a healthy manner. his shoulders still bear a lot of burden but at least, he can learn to take off the load and rest for a while before putting it back on. 

* / 𝐂 𝐎 𝐍 𝐍 𝐄 𝐂 𝐓 𝐈 𝐎 𝐍 𝐒

band-aid crew — this person has designed a band-aid tattoo for boog. he reached out to this person during a time of recovery and trusted him with his journey thus far. this person could have been someone he met at work, through friends, or they live on the same block as him. boog counted and needs 27 band-aids to cover all his scars and is confident that he can get them all covered through others’ artwork. his uncle and nieces already made their mark, and boog designed one himself. ( 0/22 )

upstanding citizen — this person is the parental figure that boog never had and didn’t realize he needed until he befriended this person. they fuss over him and make sure he’s gotten enough sleep. they bring him coffee to work and invite him over for dinner. in return, boog does the same. he tries hard to cook for them— though he’s not great at it. he brings them gifts that reminded him of them. ( 0/1 )

intimacy buddies — boog is kind of pure in that he’s someone who wants to make sure people feel fulfilled. it first started off as a joke, that on the chance that they felt lonely, boog would be of service. however, boog’s pretty dependable and he hides no ulterior motive. so, he cuddles them for hours while watching movies, he holds their hands as they walk through the beach, and he sleeps with them when they can’t stand to sleep alone. he runs his hands through their hair upon request. however, they’re still friends and as thick as thieves. ( 0/3 )

amicable exes — it’s hard for boog to hold grudges. they come in white hot flashes of anger and they leave just as quickly. he’s learned to no longer stew in it. when this relationship falls apart, boog can admit his shortcomings and understand that they just weren’t meant for each other. that doesn’t stop boog from caring about them any less. they’re friends now and maybe friends was always the better option. ( 0/1 )

SPECIAL MENTIONS: as always, i fiend for all sorts of friendly and fwb connections! i also think a rival connection wld b interesting but we wld hav to lay some groundwork for sure!

[psychemeanscure]

PART 15

Yes, their treacherous war has started indeed that for some time Sung Eunyoung will be left off-guard the moment she went out of her car through entering her possible investor’s premise just to be fazed by the leaving familiar parade of his underlings’ car or rather him in it. “Mierda! He’s at it again?” getting robbed surely for every now and then Jang Taeyoung’s persuasions were getting better and better. Guess Zilo’s helping hand somehow paved way literally.

Yet with next days she manages to counter still. “Boss, they pulled back with our offer.” Like how the simple message he heard from his assistant annoyed him on the spot. “What? F*ck this, Sung Eunyoung!” Cursing by her savage competence for he had lost another entrance of opportunity.

Their game of gain and loss, the survival of the fittest, name it. They’re on the bridge of push and pull of business rivalries that’s for sure. Before they realize? They both burnout with exhaustion. Riled with loads of work ups and deals, they certainly need a break.

Especially, Jang Taeyoung. For it is winter. The season he hated the most. A day he doesn’t want to remember. It slipped in his mind perhaps thanks to their busy reciprocal fights somehow, but not when he happened to glimpse by the window glass though. ‘Sucks.’ A curse he can only manage with his thoughts, walking lazily to get the clearer view.

Surely as he saw few snowflakes dropping by. He confirmed it. The next thing he did? He was already drinking hard of his whiskey until he went drop, oblivious of his drunken state. He had never been in a while but guess he chose just this once as exception.

~

It’s past midnight yet Sung Eunyoung is still up in the middle of reviewing few documents in her room when a consecutive ringing from her apartment’s doorbell and knocking of the door interrupted her from doing so as a crunching forehead creep into annoyance. “Who the hell is dilapidating my doorsteps in wee hours?! Ugh.”  

Not minding to check the intercom again, she was shock after finding out who it was indeed. A drunk Jang Taeyoung leaning by the threshold who seems planning to offer a set of drinks seeing the plastic bag he carries which intently levels in front of her while the other in its common spot in his pocket. Faced with an exaggerating smile, he greeted. “Hi. Can I come in?”

For a drunken person, he’s pretty decent somehow. A good thing perhaps. Twitching her brows then while crossing arms, she speaks. “The last thing I know we were enemies already, aren’t we?”

Her simple counter certainly just to be welcome by his disappointed leaning head to the wall and a falling elevated hands with plastic bag. “Right. But can we at least drop it and be friends?”

“What? Are you seriou---“

“Just for today. Please, Sung Eunyoung. Hm?”

And God knows how she was taken aback from what she heard. Or rather, from the gentle expression she had never seen on him but now. Has to even blink twice as if absorbing every sentence, he said. ‘Cabrón.’ With the unspoken curse she obliged to hide, she composes herself by avoiding his gaze. “Whatever.”

Her firm consent instead while occupying her long couch in the living room, dodging the fact that he even chooses to sit beside her. Tending a drunk man, she considers pampering him for once surely as she was just constantly gaping every move he does without her usual nagging. Pulling out the contents of the plastic bag consist of canned beers and as well the instant product she can’t believe she would witness with him. “Ramyeon?” her surprised sound from the word definitely before shaking her head as if she already knew what’s the next thing that could happened. “Jang Taeyoung, don’t you dare ask me to cook for you cab---“

“Please?”

‘What the?’ Cut by a request certainly for she can’t help but to think a cuss again. “Hey look you Cabrón, if you were just craving for noodles why not bought cup noodles instead of tiring me like I’m some sort of your nanny here. Come on.”

Proceeded by her continues rejection just to be responded by his pity- kind of sigh. “I was actually looking for a soup ingredient but can’t find any from that lousy convenience store so I end up buying this instead.”

“What? So you even intended for a soup? Great!”

Her sarcastic reply then, only to see the pleading expression he keeps on giving even a while ago. Enough for her to surrender as well. “Aish. F*ck this. Will you just stop that candid face of yours? You’re not even a puppy to begin with. Please!”

As a rare English curse came into her, glaring to the only chuckling man in front of her. “So you’re doing it? Does it work?”  

“Shut up.” Snatching the product from his hand with no choice but to enter her kitchen with a frown, nagging in between every move she does. Yet she ends up finishing it anyway to later remembering what he actually wanted in the first place though. Unfortunately, she’s not too familiar with the variety so guess she has to choose the most typical kind which everyone knows eventually. Good thing she have still ingredients of it from her storage that with a pulling for more kitchenware and bowls she basically starts cooking again then. “Tss. I can’t believe I’m doing this for that loco.”

Her last ramble of words indeed before finally setting up her finished work on the tray, obliging to serve it to her unwelcome guest as always. Just to be thanked by a half sleeping Jang Taeyoung who’s head already rested on the backrest of the couch. “What a life. Now I have to deal with a sleeping adult.” Putting the tray on the center table then as she was just standing right there staring at him for no reason like she has to grant the rest he needed.

Not when she begins to memorize his face though. The meek appearance she never imagined to perceive in front of her eyes. New to the smart- like eyeglasses she only once saw him wear but now. The standard curled brush up of his hair for she can always observe every outline of his manly forehead. Enough of denials, she did saw him as a handsome lad of her liking. She just doesn’t like to admit it given the arrogance he possesses.

Too late for her to realize what she is currently doing actually. Absentmindedly tracing the parts, she describes till she went overboard to his lips as it only takes a second for her to come back on reverie. Almost touching hands stop mid-air, shutting eyes in conviction from her crazy actions she could have executed.

Before she knew? She was already tapping impulsively with his right shoulder by her right back hand which apparently wakes him up from slumber. Met by the still half hooded eyes, straighten up in a snap recognizing his positon. Pleased after sighting the serve tray with covered bowls on it. “Oh, okay. It’s ready.” As he was blinking in couple of times as if hiding the obvious embarrassment by composing himself like an innocent victim. Swearing all her might from her own thoughts seeing a peculiar behavior she had never future giving in with suppressing laugh. Lucky to be able to hold it thankfully as she cleared her throat, placing her usual straight face.

“You better pay me after this loco or I might just destroy you completely. You know how expensive I am, aren’t you?”    

As if a threatening sarcasm she seriously means while voluntarily opening two canned beers, taking one for herself and one for him before deciding to sit on the single couch instead. Unaware of what he is reacting for she is still busy savoring her own drink yet aware of his silence thus she insists to proceed in another rambles. “By the way, speaking of which. I was about to remind you tha---“                                

Just to be confused finally after seeing the reaction. ‘Again? What’s with him today, really.’ The unspoken verdict she prefers not to voice out. “Hey! If you just being picky from my effort, then better trash it inst---“

Intended to switch the mood somehow by standing while planning to pick up the bowls he already opened only to be cut off anyway from him stopping her wrist. “No. Please don’t.” He leads her instead to sit next to him again. “It’s good, Eunyoung. Thank you.” To later saw a small smile after, and for her to guess what she felt with his presence all along.

Reserved. He looks reserved like he obliged to keep it on his own. Yet she remained silent. She was just right there observing his every move once again as he quietly starts to get some rice she includes to serve to slurping between the noodles and the soup he actually stared for quite a minute as it was also the reason of her sudden confusion. ‘What’s bothering you, Jang Taeyoung’ unspoken concern she obliged to hide.

That with a loud thud of spoon and chopsticks, and a final belch of being full, she chooses to offer her satisfaction and pride. “Wow… what a hospitable guest I have. Doesn’t even try to give an inch for his hired cook.”      

A mockery he obviously understands which he answered by a chuckle as well. “Well you didn’t ask, so I presume you’re not hungry. Were you?” rolling her eyes not wanting to fight a drunk man. “Let me guess. Five bottles of whiskey?”

Only to be reciprocated by his knowing arrogance. “Ten, actually.”

For she can only draw in shock. “What? And you can still stand like a sober one?”

Garnering a laugh from him already. “Come on, milady. You do know I’m Jang Taeyoung for nothing as well, right?” initially tilting his head afterwards “And your serving only makes it helpful to complete it.”

Acknowledging her lose by his wink after the last sentence indeed, she surrendered groaning in defeat. “Stop it, Jang Taeyoung or get out.” As it’s not already hard for him to cope up on what she means, laughing from the idea instead. “Alright, I’ll stop.”

If this was an ordinary day she used to foresee his slyness, she surely drags him already out of her doorsteps but no. He was undoubtedly obedient that he only casually positions himself to a better angle where he can stare at her comfortably. Idly resting his head on the backrest again but this time, in sideways. Truly as she is also leaning by the armrest, free to look at him as well.

It was as if a solemn air indulges them to seek in silence and just remain in there steady breathing while devouring their separate drinks. She only waited. So as he broke the ice. “Eunyoung.” His mere call of her name. “Hm.” with the mere hum she replied.

“Can you talk about your mother?”

She stifled. Stiffed in the middle of trailing the rim of her own beer, looking at him with a baffled frown. “Are you sure you went to the right person?” a sarcasm which only answered by his chuckle the moment he shifts in a straighten position again, looking down calmly to its cupping hands of his own drink. “I’m sure I am.” Shrugging his shoulders then as he proceeded for another sentence. “It’s just that, beside your father’s story I haven’t heard about your mother’s.”

“And why is so?”

This time he turns a head to her again. “You wouldn’t know. I might spill something for your interest.”

A matter of fact, it intrigued her indeed. She gave in. For she watches by the glass window right behind from where they’re seated. “She died.” And it surprised him. Yet he remained silent while only waiting for her to continue. “Chronic cancer. Mom’s death was maybe one of the reason of father’s downfall with his business. He can’t think straight, guess that’s why it’s easy for that Spanish hag to take advantage of his motive.”

It was her turn then to look down on its own. Getting sensitive from the memories of her biological parents. Rubbing some droplets of water from her canned beer. “And you know what’s strange?”                      

“What?”

She looks up then to gaze at him once again. “That we can’t seemed to find her body after being put up in mortuary.”

“Dad that time is planning a private burial for mom, then the day after tomorrow it disappeared. Even the hospital staffs felt puzzled as they were also sure that they have taken mom from that storage.”        

“Unless…” he started to interrupt finally.

“Yes, unless of someone. So dad tried checking the hospital’s security, even brought it to the police but none. They can’t give any leads. He was devastated and I can only cry for I am still powerless kid.”

“But you have it now. Did you try?”

“I did.”

Shaking her head then. “But in spite of all the connections I earned, I can’t still.”

So as quietness came in then as it was enough for Jang Taeyoung to fill the pieces in his mind. Staring bewilderedly with nowhere, open for Sung Eunyoung’s notice once more as she tilted her head out of curiosity. “Why?”

Sighing for he is still processing things on a right place. “Now it makes sense.”  

For it was her turn to get confused over. “What do you mean?” a simple question, little not knowing what comes next.

“I heard it.”                      

And it triggered her. Just right to halt the elevated canned beer she somehow planned to sip again.

“What?”

[faecaptainofdreams]

Story time! The start of this story has a bit of a theme song, because i just always think of this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyGSe7… Sad and awful as it looks, this actually has a majorly happy ending! Major thank you to my friend Sumi-Sprite for collaging this for me! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Walter is 22, he goes on a very dangerous mission with Lance. While they wait for backup (which Lance is willing to accept most of the time now on account of personal growth), the duo storms a chemical lab, where the "final battle" takes place. I don't have a lot of details worked out, but long story short, they succeed in their mission (with several casualties as a result of what comes next), but fire and blow-outs in the lab lead to a very terrifying situation. The men find themselves in a space with only one oxygen mask for emergencies. Lance forces Walter to wear it,  but even after being taught compromise, the latter is very stubborn. As Lance begins to lose consciousness from being stuck inhaling smoke and various chemicals, Walter takes advantage of this. He shoots him in the neck with his own tranquilizer (a familiar scene, no?), and as Lance is passing out, Walter gives him the mask instead. Lance passes out from the tranquilizer, and Walter slowly begins to suffocate until he too, is rendered unconscious. Lance wakes up in the medical bay at the H.T.U.V. Delirious but suddenly remembering the mission, he starts to panic and call out for Walter. Not a few moments later, the younger of them reveals he's in a bed right beside Lance's, groggy with an oxygen mask strapped to his face, an IV in his arm and an EKG hooked up to him, but he's smiling and reaching out for Lance. Lance takes the boy's hand firmly and says "You scared me." Walter answers with "You scared me first...!" He sleepily explains that backup came and rescued them and brought them back to the agency, where they've apparently only been for a short while. In better shape than Walter on account of the latter's sacrifice, Lance gets up and lays beside him, jokingly threatening a "quadruple fire" if he ever does something like that again. Walter very softly smiles and says "I'm not sorry." When Marcy eventually shows up to visit them after hearing the news, she finds them laying there in the bed together and jokingly asks if she's interrupting something. "Nope, just two grown men cuddling after they almost died, nothin' to see here," answers Lance in a similar tone. Marcy informs them that most of their targets were saved and are in custody (some of them being in the hospital), but a few of them died from the fire and chemical blast. Walter is sad to hear it, but accepting of it, and glad that not every life was lost. About an hour or two later, he's stable enough to be off of the oxygen and other attachments. With all the smoke and chemical inhalation, the medical staff advises giving Walter a bronchoscopy to check for potential damage to his lungs. Such a procedure often only requires conscious sedation with a numbing of the nose and throat, but when they get him to the operating room, Walter panics at the thought of being awake while having a scope down his throat; after having nearly suffocated to death just hours ago, the thought of being awake and the fear of suffocating again is too much to bear (even though he would be fine). So instead, they decide to give him a general anesthesia and put him under for the procedure. It's just safer for everyone this way. When it's over and he's beginning to wake from the anesthesia, Walter is wheeled back to his room on the bed, and is happy to see Marcy and Lance waiting for him. But anesthesia is a funny thing, and as he's wheeled in, he's singing the Disclaimer Song in a very loopy fashion. Once settled, he chooses not to finish the song. This conversation ensues: ------- "Lance: You're not gonna finish the song? Walter: *mildly sassy* Ffffhhh, youknooww... I sing...ALLLL the tiiime, anndiiiffinishh all of them, anndd it'ssfuunn, buut... Whyy issitt aalwaayys me...? Why'd's WalterrBeckkett onlyy siing??? YOUU finishth'sonng... Lance: *"well shit" face* Wow, all right then, I'll finish the song. ♫Don't try this at home, if you do, you might--♫ Ey, aren't you gonna sing? Walter: ...Mmm givinng youaheadd starrtt..." ------- He joins in eventually. There is a lot of talking about various things, and lots of Marcy and Lance laughing to themselves at the rambling and singing. Oh yes, more singing. Lots of singing. Lance records some of the rambling, including an entire conversation that begins with Walter casually asking if they'll have to "take his lungs out." After being told no, that he's perfectly fine, he says it would be hard to breathe without lungs, and then regales his company with the thought of the lungs being replaced with balloons. Specifically, the left one would be blue, and the right one would be red. Why? He doesn't know, it's not his call, apparently. At the thought of them popping if he took too deep a breath, a laughing fit on Walter's part ensues. A little while later, this conversation happens: --- "Walter: Whenn I'mmbetterr, 'm gonna drriiveyou'round in the e-tron... Lance: You wanna drive me around? Walter: Yeaaah... Ohh, waait... Imight craash... Lance: Naaahhh, i think it'd be worth the risk. You can drive the car. Walter: Buutt youuloove that carr... Lance: Yeah, well... I love you more. Walter: Hmm..... Whaat...? Lance: *softly* I said I love you, Walter." --- Lance has told him this before, but in his drugged up state, the blatant expression of love swiftly turns the tide of the mood from funny to pitiful. Walter bursts into tears and tells Lance he loves him, too. And Marcy. And Killian, and Joy, and Lovey and Jeff and Crazy Eyes, and Terrance even though he ignores him, and August (OC) and Ramsey (OC [sorta]) and Shannon (OC) and that he thinks it's mean that people nickname Joy "Joyless," all while bawling his poor eyes out. Endeared, Marcy and Lance try to calm him down. But Walter reveals that he hasn't forgotten his conversation with Lance when they first woke up in that room together. He says he's sorry for scaring Lance, that he just didn't want him to die because he "doesn't want to be alone again," but that he understands Lance has the same fear and he just couldn't win. Somewhere in the rambling mess of emotions, he mentions fear of Lance "dying like his mother." Basically, every subconscious or pushed-down negative thought and feeling he's had since the mission comes blubbering out in a heap of drunken tears and sadness. Seeing how very real his distress is, his company is quick to try and ease his mind and offer him comfort. Walter asks if Lance really is going to fire him again, to which Lance says no. He then asks if Lance is mad at him, which earns another "no." Lance says no one is mad at him, that he just needs to close his eyes and try to take a nap. After a few minutes of quietly crying to himself with his eyes closed, Walter comes to a terrifying conclusion... What if he never stops crying?! Of course, Lance almost bursts out laughing, but a death glare from Marcy forces him to keep it to himself, lest he risk further upsetting Walter. It may sound ridiculous, but for someone who's been anesthetized, every feeling is very real. Marcy comforts him, tells him no, he's not going to cry forever. It's not long before the tears slow down. They don't stop, but they slow down. [fun fact: crying is reported in 40% of patients who wake from anesthesia, be it for a presented reason or for no reason at all. Very little is known about why this occurs, though it's suspected that the stress and fear from whatever they had to be put out for manifests itself in that drugged-up state. This is referred to as "the boo-hoos."] But it's late, and Marcy must go home. She and Lance talk off to the side, and the lady gives her man a kiss to remember her by for the evening.~ After Marcy's departure, Lance decides that after everything they've been through and with how upset Walter's been, he will sleep in the bed with him. He reclines him, crawls in, and holds him tight until morning. Walter wakes up around 1 in the morning, mildly confused, but Lance tells him to go back to sleep. Happy that Lance stayed with him and choosing not to question this unexpected all-night cuddling party, he submits without a word. By morning, everything is fine, and the anesthesia has worn off. Before the lad can even put his clothes on, Lance just HAS to show him the video he took of him while he was all loopy. Walter is embarrassed and cringes through it, but also laughs at some parts. It's a happy ending. "Okay but for real, don't ever do that again."        "No promises." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- This movie is something else. Lance, Walter and Killian have all experienced trauma and loss, but in different ways. Walter and Killian are the extremes; one copes with loss through love, wanting desperately to let people in and let others know they aren't alone. Killian has no way to cope, and expresses his pain through hatred and a desperate longing to make the one who hurt him feel what he's felt, and then end it all in his own death. Lance is right in the middle. He has acquaintances, he talks to people, he cares, but he holds everyone at arm's length. He pretends everything is fine, he acts cold and aloof, "too cool" for playing on a team or working with others. But really, it's a fear of letting others in, because life could take it all away again. He still bears a lot of empathy, but also exercises carelessness on criminals. He and Killian are not so different, but with Walter's help, both men learn to open up (we can see Killian's expression for redemption in his final scene in the movie, we know he was a little touched that Walter saved him. Also consider, Killian didn't know Walter survived that fall at the time). So now that they're partners and each have someone in their lives to love -- multiple people now, in fact, it means feeling desperation to keep them close. It means taking a bigger risk, it means work. After everything they've been through, no, Lance is not ashamed to hug and hold and love on his little nerdy white gay son. He's not afraid of intimacy anymore, no matter the form. He'll take what he can get, because tomorrow is never a promise. Would you die for the ones you love...?