#well its not the language's fault as much as the people here...

[inbarfink]

When talking about the distinction between Simon Petrikov and the Ice King,  it’s important to remember that originally, the Crown wasn’t trying to turn Simon into Ice King -

It was trying to turn him into this guy.

At the time, the Ice Crown - or rather the Wishing Crown - was programmed with Gunther’s wish to become Evergreen. So everything related to making the current wearer like Evergreen is a very direct result of the Crown’s Magic. The physical changes -

And the obsession with the name ‘Gunther’ -

And maybe some of the irritability and anger issues -

That is something the Crown is very directly forcing unto its current wielder. 

But everything else?

Ice King, personality-wise, was not much like Evergreen at all, or even like Gunther's view of him. And Ice Finn of the Farmworld Universe was also pretty different from the both of them.

At the time, I remember people assumed Ice Finn’s behavior is more indicative of what the Crown is actually trying to do with its wielders. That Ice King is so different because of Simon’s subconscious resistance against the Crown - while Finn’s much younger and dumber brain is a lot susceptible to the Curse’s influence to become some sort of mad world-conquering emperor of ice and snow. 

But, with the context of the Crown’s actual backstory. That doesn’t seem very likely anymore. I think what’s actually happening there is that the Crown is just trying to make its wielder an Ice Wizard on par with Evergreen (who was the Actual Goddam Ice Elemental) and that means pumping the wielder’s brain so full of Magic, Madness and Sadness to a level that is bound to overwhelm anyone.

And Simon’s and Farmworld Finn’s very different behaviors after putting on the crown is indicative, more than anything, of how their psyche reacts to Madness and Sadness in general. You know, Finn has a very proactive and kinda aggressive personality - and you add Crown-induced-Madness-and-Sadness and a compulsion to use Ice Magic as much as possible and you get all of…. this 

Meanwhile, for Simon, the compulsions of the Crown originally filtered exclusively via the language of protection 

As his madness always manifested as romantic obsession 

And using goofy humor to try and deny the pain he’s going through 

Because that’s how Simon’s mind specifically reacts to being flooded with so much Madness and Sadness.

That’s why there’s so many parallels between Ice King and the sort of mistakes and screwed-up stuff Simon does right now! He’s even kidnapping people again!

Because the Madness and Sadness of Ice King might’ve been induced by the Crown, but now Simon has plenty of personal home-grown Madness and Sadness inside him - and it’s no surprise that Curse-Induced or not, his mind reacts to it in a sorta-similar way. (Although obviously not as intensely, again, there was a LOT of MMS in the Ice Crown).

Now as for Ice Thing, and the fact that he seems to be actually rather well-adjusted under effects of his version of the Wishing Crown. I mean... not by the time of the 1000+ Era, but that’s literally eons in the future and also maybe more Gibbon’s fault. Even if the Crown will eventually take some sort of toll on him, for now he seems to be doing pretty well considering his wish. I mean, there's still some sort of Loss of Identity stuff going on

But everything we've seen of Ice Thing (in the present day, at least) shows him as a friendly and cheerful individual that gets along well with others. A far cry from how maladjusted every single wielder of the Ice Crown acted.

At the very least, if there's any notable amount of Sadness in him, we really haven't seen it yet.

There might be several factors here:

First things first, I should acknowledge the possibility that it’s just that Orgalorg’s eldritch brain is better at intaking all that MMS juice. That could play a part, but I think it’s probably more important, at least thematically, to look at the distinction between ‘I wish to be Evergreen’ and ‘I wish to be Ice King’. 

First in the sense that while Ice King was occasionally mean to Gunter at times - he was generally much kinder than Evergreen ever was for ‘his’ Gunther. So, like, pretty much the one Personality Flaw of Ice King that you can directly link to the Ice Crown’s attempt to mimic Evergreen is the occasional anger issues.

And how they relate to Gunther’s view of Evergreen, so grumpy and controlling and constantly saying ‘NO!’

(Both Finn and Simon’s demonstrable not-crown-induced trauma responses can make them pretty short-tempered as well. So I’m not going to say this is purely the effects of the Crown. It still probably plays some sort of factor at why the wielder of the Ice Crown is Like That).

And that is not a factor in how Gunter views Ice King. For him, Ice King was a doting and loving father figure - so if the Crown was ever trying to implement any sort of specific negative personality traits, this is absolutely no longer a factor. Because the original Ice Crown was a reflection of Evergreen’s abuse, and now Ice Thing is a reflection of Ice King’s fatherly love.

Which is, itself, probably an echo or remnant of Simon’s own strong parental instincts. 

Secondly, while the Crown was trying to make the Ice King just as powerful as Evergreen…. Ice King was obviously not as powerful as Evergreen. Because he was already a second-rate copy of the Ice Elemental’s power, and because Ice King was often just too doofy to use his powers correctly and probably because some remnant of Simon’s original sensible self is subconsciously holding his powers back.

Either way, being ‘like Ice King’ as Gunter sees him requires less Magic than being ‘like Evergreen’ as Gunther saw him - and therefore less Madness and Sadness. Leading to the wearer or, um, the eater being a lot more well-adjusted from the get-go.

And I think that the implication that Ice Thing has fused with the Crown, so there's never going to be another poor sap who puts on the Crown and gets Ice King'd. But if there is one somehow... at least the process is going to be less mentally detrimental that time around?

Maybe one day Simon could look back and appreciate how much he (or Ice King, or both of them, or however you want to look at the situation) is responsible for basically neutralizing the Crown that ruined his life in the first place.

[bucketbueckers]

COME AROUND

pairing: paige bueckers x fem!reader content: language, kinda angsty (but with a happy ending because above all else, i am my own target audience), friends to lovers to exes to lovers, too many gatsby references, teenage awkardness, hopkins!p, sexuality, generational fumble from paige, mental health, slight injury, painfully long

wc: 27.0k synopsis: You were always a little tender-hearted. That’s why your friends told you to stay far, far away from Paige Bueckers. You tried, you honestly did ��� but Paige was magnetic, and she loved you, and you were just a little too weak to say no. Eventually, you’d have to come to terms with the realization that the both of you were growing up far too fast and that there were many lessons still left to be learned, although you never thought that moment of reckoning would come in the fashion that it did. Despite losing your way over the years, the beautiful thing about life is that you always find your way back home. notes: kinda funny that i thought this was gonna be like 5-6k words long...lol sike 😍 last night's game actually killed me but what do i actually know about basketball. i just work here. this fic came to me in a fever dream and was not planned out at all, is poorly proof-read, and at the end of the day i dont actually know if its good or not cause im sick of reading it. also. please let me know how we feel about the sexuality/process of coming out. i tried to make it as authentic as possible (i did NOT feel like writing homophobia, paige and reader got enough shit going on in this one shot) but lowkey...idk how it works. crazy lore drop but when i realized i liked girls i said "ok" and went on with my day and then eventually got outed to my family so like..oh well. i think that's it though but as always let me know what y'all think and pls pls enjoy 🫶

tags: @unadulteratedcyclepaper @avvwritesstufff @surferandskater5

You were always a little tender hearted — or so you’ve been told. Your heart lives perpetually on your sleeve, bared, bleeding, beating persistently regardless of the way it breaks under the slightest pressure. You’re a patchwork of criss-crossing bandages, an amalgamation of stitches and sutures; nevertheless, you still find the bravery to love and open up your heart in spite of it all. You wouldn’t say that you let people walk all over you. You’re outspoken and proud of it, opinionated and driven. In the same breath, you’re sensitive and trusting – perhaps to a fault, but that’s just who you are.

You don’t think this is a character flaw. Yes, you get hurt, but that’s inevitable. You like to think that if people like you stopped putting love and compassion into the world, then it would all go to shit eventually. You like to think that there is someone out there who will see your effort for what it is and care enough to protect your heart as if it were their own. Platonically, romantically, you didn’t particularly mind – you wanted to forge genuine connections with people. You wanted to love in whatever form that came to be. So, yes. You get hurt. Yes, it would be easier for you to not care so much at all, but if people gave up so quickly, then how would we grow? How can we expect to glean something from the world if it was a depleted resource?

Hopkins, Minnesota, was a quaint little city, but it was where you grew up. Elementary and middle school was… well, elementary and middle school. You learned a lot about yourself, about others, and made a few close friends that have stuck by you for years. Then high school came around and things shifted. Your classmates were confusing mixtures of self-absorbed and altruistic, trying too hard to be one thing or the other, and it was this strange imbalance between finding who you’re supposed to be versus staying true to what you’ve known. It’s that weird thing called growing up, and sure, everyone does it – in a literal sense as they grow older physically, but also as they change their minds and learn new things about the world and themselves, although growing up in high school is just so daunting. It’s like you’re supposed to have all of the right answers, right now, which is scary because you don’t even have the right answers for algebra yet you’re supposed to make life-altering decisions about the person you are?

You digress, though. Freshman year is decent. You get into a steady rhythm, join a couple of clubs that will look good on college applications, and you make a few new friends, ones that feel a little more like you despite the ones you’ve been holding onto since kindergarten. Sophomore year is full of changes, yet again.

But junior year? They weren’t lying when they said it would be the hardest year of high school. You were taking a few AP classes and a dual enrollment class or two to round it out, but despite that, junior year comes with a lot more internal realizations. You weren’t a sports person by any means, but Paige Bueckers soon became a name you were intimately familiar with. She’d led her team pretty far into the playoffs during sophomore year although they ultimately fell short. There was something about her that was magnetic and you wanted to know more, see more. She was a freshman phenom, a generational player.

And when you mention this to your friends, trying to screw up the courage to attend one of the Hopkins girls’ games, you’re adamant that this new shift has nothing to do with the six foot, blonde guard with whom you share a fourth period AP Lit class with. Sure, Paige is ridiculously pretty (even though you’re 100% straight), charming, and she has a way of drawing everyone in. You’d just like to be her friend and that’s all there is to it. You don’t stare at her as your literature teacher rambles on about whatever classic book you’re reading – you don’t remember if it’s To Kill a Mockingbird or The Great Gatsby, but as long as Paige is sitting one row in front and two chairs to the right of you, there probably isn’t a chance that you’ll find it in you to care.

Then, around late October, it’s time for group projects and you’re just hoping you’re not paired with someone who doesn’t want to do the work. When your teacher rattles off your name, pausing once to glance at the rest of the roster, and calling out Paige as your partner, you aren’t entirely sure if this is something you want to celebrate or dread. You look up from your open book, The Great Gatsby, although you’ve read this dozens of times already, and you find that Paige is already turning back to look at you. Her face is a mix of easygoing confidence and gentle kindness all wrapped up in a radiant smile that makes your heart drop out of your ass.

Your classmates shuffle around and she slides into the desk seat next to yours, her knees bumping awkwardly on the sides, but she hardly pays it any mind as she introduces herself to you, as if she isn’t the most famous seventeen-year-old you’ve ever sat next to. You figure that her introduction is more out of humility than anything else. It’s probably daunting to be her, intimidating to bear the weight of countless expectations on shoulders that are barely broad enough to fill out her jersey. You give her your name and she repeats it back to you slowly, testing the pronunciation on her tongue, and grinning when you nod, ignoring the blush that creeps up on your neck.

“A’ight,” Paige says, rubbing her hands together in a way that looks corny as hell, but you can’t help but be amused by it, “What do you think?”

The prompt on the board is simple – by AP Lit standards, at least. Explain the symbolism of the green light. Common interpretations think of the light as a representation of Gatsby’s love for Daisy, the American Dream, or money. Do you believe any of these interpretations (or an interpretation of your own) reflect the themes of the story and Gatsby, or do you believe the narrator, Nick Carraway, has unreliably pushed his own thoughts and interpretations onto Gatsby? How does the green light tie into the broader themes of Gatsby and Daisy’s relationship? Your project must be in the form of a PowerPoint presentation…

You stop reading as the rest of the prompt goes into the rubric. “You first,” you tell Paige, smiling when she huffs dramatically.

“I think it’s supposed to represent Gatsby’s feelings for Daisy,” Paige states. “I mean, it’s constant, like Gatsby’s been in love with Daisy for years. Even before he went off to war. And he’s always starin’ at it at night. I do think Nick is putting his own thoughts into it. Like, by sayin’ Gatsby believes in the ‘orgastic future that year by year recedes before us.’ I’on even know what that means.” You can’t help but laugh at this, drawing a grin from Paige. “But you know what I mean, right? He fell in love with this girl before he went off to war, years pass and he’s alive but she’s married to another dude and he’s rich and lonely and I guess he’s close to her, but they ain’t really that close – I feel like that light just, you know, reminds him that she’s there.” Paige’s voice gets quieter the more she rambles, and when she catches the soft attentiveness in your features, she scratches the back of her neck, shy.

You smile at her. “You know, I wouldn’t have expected that kind of analysis from you,” you admit.

“Bro, what?” she exclaims, choking on a laugh as you dissolve into giggles. “I see how it is. It’s ‘cause I’m supposed to be a dumb jock, right?”

You roll your eyes, your cheeks hurting from the strength of your smile. “No. I mean, like what you said about the light reminding him that she’s there. I always thought I was the only one who interpreted it that way, too.” Paige’s gaze softens as she takes in your explanation. “I feel like Gatsby is trapped in two different times – the past, where he loved her, and the present, where he still loves her but can’t have her. The light simultaneously reminds him of what he’s lost but also what he could have, you know?” Paige nods, encouraging you to go on. “There’s a distance between them, literally, but I think Gatsby feels like Daisy is still within reach. That his dreams are still within reach. I don’t think he realizes he’s chasing a dream from five years ago, or that Daisy eventually moves on as Nick watches Daisy fall in and out of love with Gatsby.”

“That is…really depressing,” Paige says, which makes you laugh again, but the way she’s gazing at you makes you feel as though she’s seeing you in a different light.

You shrug a shoulder, trying to not think too hard about the way her blue eyes sparkle. “I cried over this book a couple of times. I’m kind of a professional now.”

“Now that’s somethin’ I’d expect from you,” Paige teases.

“Okay, jerk!” you gasp indignantly. “You don’t even know me. What makes you so sure of that?”

Paige hums, pretending to think about something, but her expression is undeniably smug. “Call it intuition. How about you let me get to know you and I’ll let you know if it’s true?”

Oh. You were definitely not expecting that one. Your heart thrums a little at the implication, but it softens ever so slightly because you can clearly make out the earnestness reflected in her eyes, the realization that despite the grandeur and the fame and the talent beyond her years, Paige is still human.

“Well,” you say in a manner that you hope is supposed to be coy, “we’re stuck together now for this project. Getting to know me is a little inevitable.”

“Oh, it’s like that?” Paige asks, her lips tugging into a teasing smirk, one that makes you feel exasperated – in a good way. “And what happens after the project? You still gonna let me hang around and annoy you?”

You can’t help but laugh a little, hating the way your pulse races, although you ignore it. “We’ll see if I still like you by then,” you say, which makes her smirk turn into a smile that’s a little more tender, less cocky.

“I can work with that,” she promises. And with that, the both of you start outlining your project. Paige throws in a comment here and there that makes you laugh, keeping the mood light as you work. At the end of the period, you punch your number into her phone, dutifully ignoring the grin on her face and the blush on yours. She texts you immediately after just to be sure, but she texts you during your next class to complain about how boring her history teacher is, too. Conversation comes easy with Paige. It’s like she just knows – knows you – and you’re not sure if that should scare you or excite you. Despite not knowing why your budding friendship with Paige feels so different, you just know that it feels right, and that was good enough for you.

Your last class of the day is a study hall and you’re sitting at a table in the back with two of your friends, Mack and Serena. You can all but feel the mood shift when you recount your day. The mere mention of Paige is enough for your friends to jump on the defensive.

“You need to stay away from her,” Mack says, her tone serious. You frown, glancing at Serena for some help, but she only shifts uncomfortably, finding her online work a lot more appealing than this conversation. “Paige is someone who’s gonna break your heart, okay?”

“It’s not even like that–”

“It doesn’t have to be like that,” Mack states firmly. “It wasn’t like that when Izy left, was it?”

Despite yourself, your expression sours, and Mack reclines as though she’s made her point. You suppose she has. Izy was your best friend. The two of you were attached at the hip since kindergarten, but in freshman year, she found a new group of friends. She had a lot more in common with them than she did with you – or so it seemed – and she didn’t necessarily cut you off, but it probably would have been easier if she did. The two of you talked sparingly, plans always seemed to fall through, and the loss of that friendship hurt just as much as a break up would.

“Or ‘he-who-shall-not-be-named,’” Serena adds unhelpfully, because all it does is twist your heart again. He who shall not be named, or more colloquially known as Logan, was your first boyfriend. Granted, you only dated him for about three months in the eighth grade, but the break up turned your world upside down. He was your first something. That wasn’t anything to scoff at and he wasn’t kind in the aftermath, so it’s not really your fault for feeling impossibly upset about it. Maybe there was just something about you that made it difficult for people to want to stick around, but maybe there was something about you that managed to pick wrong every time.

“Those are different,” you argue. You can’t help the way your voice wavers, and you feel angry at yourself all over again for getting upset about this. “I was friends with Izy for ten years and Logan was my first boyfriend. They meant something to me.”

“Sure,” Mack concedes. “But you felt a lot for them. Watching you work through that heartbreak…” She shakes her head. “I don’t want you to get hurt. You’ve been hurt by a lot of ignorant people, and, yeah, you always get back up at the end of the day, but I know it weighs on you.” Mack pauses, finding her thoughts as you stare imploringly at her. “People talk, you know. Paige talks to a lot of people. She’s not the type of person to stay in one place. You know as soon as she gets an offer, she’s leaving Minnesota and she’s not gonna look back. She’s destined for something a little greater than Hopkins.”

You swallow thickly, Mack’s words hitting you harder than she probably intended. Part of you knows that she’s right. Paige is only a junior but she’s a top prospect coming out of high school. She’s going to go to a great college for basketball. UConn, South Carolina, Notre Dame – one of the dynasties. You’re sure she’d get an offer to stay home and attend the University of Minnesota, but you also know that she’s worth a lot more than Minnesota. The other part of you, the part more connected to that bleeding heart of yours, doesn’t want to listen to Mack. It holds out hope that you wouldn’t be just another part of Paige’s past – maybe you could be part of her future.

Mack glances up at you again, studying your expression, and she softens. “Hey,” she says, gathering your attention. “I’m not gonna make a choice for you. If you wanna be her friend…go for it. I just want you to be careful who you show your heart to. Some people take it for granted.”

You nod carefully, appreciative of the way she looks out for you, and the two of you return to your work. Only moments later, your phone buzzes on the table. A notification from Paige lights up on your screen, then two, and you smile despite yourself and open your messages. You text her back, already pushing your conversation with Mack and Serena to the back of your mind, and you hardly notice their concerned glances as you respond.

Your project isn’t due until mid-December, the Friday before winter break, but you and Paige spend nearly every other day together when she doesn’t have practice. It’s a steady rhythm for the two of you: sitting through your literature class together, exchanging teasing glances and text messages when your teacher isn’t looking, complaining about the other classes you don’t share with each other, and finding yourselves at one or the other’s house to work on your project or simply enjoy each other’s company. You’ll admit that the two of you don’t get much work done most days, instead filling the time with pointless conversations about nothing but mean everything. Hours with Paige feels like mere minutes and you don’t part until a parent texts about dinner and you have to go your separate ways.

She invites you out to one of her games. It’s on a Friday night, and at first, you want to decline, hearing Mack’s words swirl through your brain once more. People talk, you know. Paige talks to a lot of people. She’s not the type of person to stay in one place. You don’t want to have to share Paige’s attention, which is a realization that shocks you to your core. It’s dangerously possessive and honestly, it flusters you a little. You’d never been so territorial over a friend’s time like you have been with Paige. Perhaps territorial isn’t even the right word. You have no claim over Paige, nor does she have any claim over you. You don’t like girls and you don’t like her in that way, even if that disjointed flutter in your chest makes you wonder otherwise. You don’t.

Paige seems to read your expression perfectly. That’s a new thing, too. You have been friends for less than a month, although it feels like you’ve known her forever. You know her favorite color, the women she grew up idolizing, the larger-than-life dreams that you know she’s going to make come true because Paige is nothing if not a girl who works hard and believes in herself. You know the messier parts of Paige, her parent’s divorce, her unyielding faith, and the uncharacteristically insecure “I like girls. Does that change anything with us?” that she’d whispered over the phone one night (your heart had raced and you felt warmth creep up your cheeks; you didn’t know what that meant, but you wholeheartedly meant it when you promised her that it wouldn’t change anything).

“You won’t even know I’m there,” you say to Paige, referring back to the game, and her brows furrow in a stupefied confusion. “Are you, like, aware of how many people go to your games?”

Paige rolls her eyes, but the action lacks any real heat as a smile spreads across her face, slow and insufferable in that way only Paige is capable of. “If you’re in the stands, I’m not gonna care about anyone else,” she promises, which makes your heart skip a beat. “I want you there.”

You didn’t really need much convincing after that, so on Friday night, you find yourself in the student section. You’re not even sure who the Royals are playing – probably a district rival – but the one thing you’re sure of is that Paige oozes with confidence, an easy grin on her face as she warms up on the court. She’s chatting with one of her teammates, although her eyes scan the gym imperceptibly. Then, her eyes are sliding across your figure, taking in your – her – Hopkins basketball hoodie that she forced you to wear, showcasing her last name and her number on the back of it, and her grin softens as she waves at you.

That night, Paige plays like she has a point to prove. She’s unguardable from the three-point line, demanding in the paint like she’s prime Lebron James, and she slices through the other teams defense seamlessly as she makes near impossible passes to her wide open teammates. Paige is full of energy, a searing combination of adrenaline and pure love for the game, but the trait that truly captures your attention is the unfiltered cockiness. Off the court, Paige is humble, although you’re still trying to figure out if that’s truly who she is or if it’s her protecting herself from all of the eyes that are on her constantly. But on the court? Paige plays like she’s the best player in the state (which she is) and she plays like she knows she’s the best player in the state (she knows she is). The only word that comes to mind is menace. Paige isn’t a dick, but when she sinks a three, she throws up three fingers as she back pedals for defense. When she landed an impossible buzzer beater to send off the first half, she’d glanced down at her arm, tapping on her wrist as if she were wearing a watch. Then, late in the third quarter, when she stole the ball from an opposing player and took it across the court for the easiest layup of her life and stole the ball again when the other team was trying to inbound it (she scored on that one, too), her celebration was directed at you. She pointed at you in the crowd, a grin on her face and pride in her eyes, and you couldn’t help but laugh at her, shaking your head as the warmth spread through your body.

Seeing Paige play in person is like seeing her in a different light, and honestly, you feel like you know her a little better now. You feel more drawn to her. She offers to walk you home after the game. At first, you want to decline. She just played out of her mind and lead her team to a blowout win against whoever the fuck and your mom is just a call away. Paige insists, reminding you that your houses really aren’t that far apart, and you suppose you can’t really argue against that one.

She keeps you entertained the entire walk back, cracking jokes and recounting some of her favorite plays from the game, and when her knuckles brush against yours as she rambles, you find that you really don’t mind that spark of electricity that runs up your spine at the contact. She tests the waters, pressing closer and closer until finally, she links her pinky with yours under the streetlight; you smile at her, something that’s simultaneously soft and welcoming and laced with the sudden realization about yourself that you’d been putting off the entire time you’d known Paige. You liked her. She glances over at you, mid sentence with a content smile on her face. When she registers the fact that you’ve been staring at her, she stutters, fumbling over her words, and you can’t help your laughter as she blushes bright pink.

It should probably scare you a lot more than it does. Liking a girl is scary and daunting but liking Paige, your best friend, feels like something new entirely. You remember Mack’s words again. People talk, you know. Paige talks to a lot of people. She’s not the type of person to stay in one place. As quickly as they’d popped into your brain, you push them to the back of your mind. Mack doesn’t know Paige like you. That much you’re sure of. And if you get hurt in the process of trying to live and experience things for the first time and giving your heart out to someone, then so be it; you were used to it by now, but the gentleness of Paige’s gaze under the moonlight feels like she’s promising that she wouldn’t hurt you.

The two of you pause at your doorstep. You can hear the gentle thrum of crickets, the drag of the wind across grass and leaves. Paige stands tall over you, her expression soft as she gazes down at you with what seems like a flicker of hope – for what, you’re not sure. The air between you feels charged, electric, like you’re opposite ends of a magnet and it’s only a matter of time before you fall into each other entirely.

“So,” she murmurs, cocking a wry smile at you. The usual sharp edges of her confidence has rounded out, enveloping you both in a sort of tenderness that makes your heart ache in the most confusing and best way possible.

“So,” you agree, drawing a quiet huff of laughter from Paige, who runs the flat of her palm across her jaw, contemplative. You give her the space to find her words – she’s done the same for you many times; she was usually the talker between the two of you, but you’ve come to find that she’s an amazing listener, too. A beat passes and she doesn’t say anything, drawing her bottom lip between her teeth, and that’s when you decide to step in. “You played great tonight,” you admit.

Paige blinks, as if she’d forgotten all about the basketball game she spent your entire walk home rambling about. Her brows relax, her smile turning bashful, and you can clearly see the humble pride in her eyes, illuminated by porchlight. “You were there,” she says. “Had to show out.” You roll your eyes fondly, your heart thundering in your chest. “Does this mean you’ll come to more of my games?”

You pause, pretending to think about it, but you’re sure the smile on your face gives you away as you respond, “Maybe. I’ll think about it.” Paige sighs, playfully exasperated, and you give in easily. “I’ll be there. I had to make sure you were actually good at this basketball thing.”

“My biggest cheerleader,” she mumbles dryly. The sheer excitement and relief on her face betrays her words and her tone and you can’t help but laugh.

“Thanks for walking me home,” you say. Your voice is hardly a whisper, but it seems to echo in this little bubble of space that the two of you have created.

“I – yeah, I mean, of course,” Paige stammers. She clears her throat, exhaling a long, deep breath, and you’re certain the fondness shows on your face as you stare at her. Paige quirks a smile, slightly embarrassed. “Stop laughing at me!”

“I’m not!” you exclaim, laughing for real now, which just makes Paige dissolve into laughter of her own. Soon enough, your giggles die down, and you’re both staring at each other with soft, captured smiles. The awkwardness of the moment melts away into something lighter; briefly, you wonder if she’d been standing this close the entire time – you can feel the warmth of her body as she stands mere inches away from you. “Goodnight, Paige.”

“Goodnight,” she whispers, but she doesn’t move, and neither do you. You don’t shy away when her fingers tentatively brush across your waist, her body eclipsing yours, and the both of you are slowly inching towards each other, breaths mingling when your front door bursts open and your little brother pops his head out with a shout of your name. You and Paige scramble away from each other, feeling like you’ve been caught red-handed.

“Get inside!” you hiss at your little brother, not awaiting his response as you push him back inside, closing the door and leaning against it. Part of you feels like crawling into a hole and never coming out of it. Your gaze returns to Paige, who’s staring at you with a mix of amusement, embarrassment, and a whole lot of affection. You sigh, feeling both resigned and like you’d been cheated out of something, and you press your forehead into the door to curb the awkwardness. “Sorry,” you say, knowing full well why you’re apologizing but also understanding that acknowledging the need to apologize is the same as acknowledging the fact that you and Paige were about to do something that would drastically change the course of your friendship.

“S’okay,” Paige says earnestly. You lift your head to meet her gaze, hoping that she’s not just saying it to make you feel better about yourself, but you find nothing but honesty in her features. Her hand brushes against yours once more, a gentle smile on her face. “I’ll text you when I’m home, yeah?”

You nod, exhaling again, mustering up a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes due to the overwhelming embarrassment. “Yeah. Night, Paige.”

“Goodnight,” she says again, her expression soft, and this time, she does leave, her hands buried in her pockets. You swear she glances back at you but it’s too dark to tell for sure. Tentatively, you make your way inside, unwilling to meet your brother’s eyes. It’s not until you’re getting changed for bed that you realize you’re still wearing the hoodie she’d given to you.

You pull it off slowly, carefully, like it’s a prized possession. To you, it may as well be. After what transpired on your front porch only moments ago – or what almost transpired on your front porch, the fact that you’re in possession of her hoodie feels strangely intimate to you. It feels right, too, which is probably more concerning, but you don’t have time to dwell on it as your phone lights up with a message from Paige, then another one. Both texts are simple with the first one reading “Home” and the second one bidding you one last goodnight with a heart emoji. You respond in kind, and when your eyes find her hoodie again, you can’t help the fond, lingering smile that spreads across your face.

You and Paige don’t talk about the almost-kiss on your front porch the morning after. You don’t talk about it the day after that, or on Monday morning when she meets you in the parking lot at school. In fact, the both of you pretend like it didn’t happen at all. It doesn’t surprise you in the slightest. You start to wonder if it even happened at all – if it wasn’t for your brain conjuring images of Paige so close to you, her hand splayed on your waist, you would be sure that you had imagined it.

So, while the two of you don’t talk about it, you do a lot of thinking about it, probably enough for the both of you. You have a lot of new things to consider, such as the fact you almost kissed your best friend (and the fact that you wanted to kiss your best friend), the fact that you have feelings for your best friend, and the fact that you have feelings for your best friend who is a girl. There’s nothing wrong with girls liking girls. That wasn’t your concern. The situation as a whole is just new and unexpected and you don’t have a lot of the answers you’ve been searching for – like do you even like like girls or do you just like like Paige? Do you only like girls or do you like boys, too? You and Logan were thirteen. You’re not much older now, but at that age, it’s difficult to determine if you actually liked anyone in a sense that wasn’t completely platonic or if you were just trying to pretend that you did so you could fit in with everyone else.

You’re fine with the sexuality crisis – for now. You have bigger things to worry about, like being attracted to your best friend. You were no expert by any means, but you were smart enough to know that having feelings for your best friend was generally a pretty terrible idea. For starters, you’re not even sure if Paige likes you back. You’re sure that she’d be cool enough to remain your friend after rejecting you, but you’re not sure if you’d be able to handle the embarrassment of going from friends to extremely awkward friends. On the other hand, there is a chance she wouldn’t want to associate with you, either. The one thing you’re certain of is that you could not handle losing Paige – as a friend or otherwise. In essence, you’re stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

The more that you think about your predicament, the more you realize. A week later, you’re overthinking yours and Paige’s most recent hangout. You’d gone over to her house to “work on the project,” but that had actually turned into Paige flopping onto her bed dramatically and complaining about being sore from practice. Somehow, that meant she wouldn’t be able to contribute, and somehow, that meant the two of you would just have to binge the entire High School Musical series. You spent hours curled into Paige’s side on her bed, her hand tracing patterns onto your shoulder as the movie played on, but you didn’t really pay any mind to Travis or Danielle or whoever the main characters were. Paige was intoxicating, casual in the way she held you, and you sat through the entire movie keenly aware of the way her body pressed into yours and the scent of her cologne on her neck – but you’re getting off track. A new fear about your situation has manifested and despite Paige being the one initially worried that her liking girls would make things uncomfortable for the two of you, you’re now the one wondering if your sexuality is a reason for discomfort.

You worry that you’re the one taking advantage of your friendship. Are you overstepping friendship boundaries just because you’re incredibly close with Paige, or is there a subconscious belief that just because Paige likes girls, too, that means you can invade her personal space like they don’t matter? You worry that you’re making her uncomfortable and she’s just too polite to say anything about it. However, you also understand the fact that just because Paige likes girls doesn’t mean she likes you. That’s simultaneously a source of relief and dread. Relief because honestly, nothing has to change between the two of you. Dread because as time goes on, your feelings for Paige only get stronger, and you’d really like it if she liked you, too.

You decide to put your impending mental breakdown on the back burner. You have actual problems to worry about now, such as the due date of your project that’s quickly closing in. Your literature teacher was usually pretty lenient, but the project was still worth a huge chunk of your grade and you’re sure Paige would kill you herself if receiving a bad score on the project meant she wouldn’t be academically eligible to play basketball. The two of you make a conscious effort to lock in during the last week of the project, a little crunched for time as you’d spent so much of your “project time” talking for hours and watching movies. Granted, Paige ends up shouldering a lot more of the work as time passes on although you do your best to help out in between daydreams about her hand on your waist again.

On Thursday, the night before the project is due and two days before winter break, things seem to reach their tipping point.

You and Paige are basically finished with the project – you were proofreading and scanning your PowerPoint for academic content and ensuring your sentences made any bit of sense. Paige was pressed into your side, “quality checking the designs” as she’d said, but you just thought she was full of shit. She’s unnaturally quiet as the two of you work, until she shifts, her legs stretching out next to yours. “Think the only thing this project’s taught me is that this book is depressing as shit,” she says to you once you click over to the slide titled Gatsby and Daisy: Doomed by Time.

You hum, glancing over at her. She’s swamped in an oversized hoodie but looks impossibly comfortable as she reclines on your bed. “Alright,” you say, “I’ll bite. Why?”

She flips onto her side, explaining, “Literally everything was working against them. Time, society, people. Gatsby and Daisy were the epitome of right person, wrong time and there was nothin’ they could do to, like, get around that, you know? He went off to war, she got married, and he missed his shot ‘cause time keeps movin’. Daisy chose stability over love – Tom’s rich and can provide for her. But Gatsby was rich too. I’on get it.”

“Well,” you murmur, “wealth is not usually a good replacement for actual love.”

“You don’t think Gatsby loved Daisy?”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t love her. I’m saying he doesn’t love the version of Daisy that actually exists,” you explain. Paige gazes at you, a furrow in her brow like she’s realizing something new — about you, about herself, you can’t be sure. “He’s so obsessed with this idealized version of her from way back when and he just doesn’t understand that’s not really who she is anymore. I feel like that’s kinda the point of the green light, too.” As you think about your next words, your voice drops to a near whisper, your throat tightening with a sudden, unrestrained emotion that you can’t quite keep at bay. You meet her eyes, your stare unwavering, hoping that she can read between the lines. “Physically, the light is far away, right? It’s out of reach. But also – it’s a light. It’s impossible to hold. It’s a lesson about the impossibility of desire, that some dreams cost too much.”

Paige is quiet for a few beats, her eyes searching yours. You have always been intentional with your words. That was one of the things she knew to be true about you. Now, she seems to fully recognize your words for what they are — a confession for what you’re otherwise too afraid to say out loud. You’ve given her an out. She could sit here and wax poetic about the same topics and themes you’ve been debating over the last two months, about whether or not Gatsby truly loved Daisy, if the feelings Daisy had for Gatsby were worth giving up her life of comfort and peace, if Gatsby were worth it. Her hand brushes your waist again, her fingertips light against the skin of your navel where your sweatshirt has ridden up, and the jolt of electricity that courses through your veins reminds you of just how risky this whole thing was. You’ve all but given Paige your heart on a silver platter, perhaps too foolish or naive in the way you always search for more, more, more. Maybe you’re asking her for too much. You know she’s leaving Hopkins the first chance she gets. All of that is pushed to the back of your mind when her gaze traces your figure. 

Finally, she speaks. “I don’t think it’s too far away,” she says, understanding exactly what you were trying to say. “Not for you.” Her words ease the tension in your shoulders, her thumb brushing against your skin reassuringly. Her voice is firm, full of conviction, like she’s never been more sure of anything else before. She pauses, your eyes locked together, and her features soften ever so slightly. “Not for us.”

You quirk a small, relieved smile, relishing in the way Paige’s face relaxes, too. “You don’t think it’s impossible?” You don’t say the quiet part out loud – the “You don’t think we’re impossible?”

But Paige knows you. You’ve given more to her  than you’ve ever given to anyone in the past, friend or otherwise, and she doesn’t hesitate. “No.” Her hand settles fully on your waist now, squeezing you gently. “And even if it was… you’re worth it.” She smiles softly, her expression vulnerable and trusting despite the fact that she’s opening herself up to get hurt, too. You’re beginning to realize that the chance of getting hurt is just a risk everyone takes.

You can’t help the entire way your face softens at her confession. You realize that subconsciously, she’d said the very words you’d been hoping to hear for some time now although you never had the vocabulary to tell yourself that – that you never had the vocabulary to tell her that. But you watch the way she studies you, the way she swallows her nerves, and you begin to understand that maybe she doesn’t have the vocabulary, either, but she’s trying her best regardless. This is something that the both of you are doing for the first time; granted, you had one previous relationship, but this new thing between you and Paige feels a whole lot different. She’s the first person you think you actually consciously had feelings for, the first girl, and despite your relief and excitement, that reminder is enough to make you clam up.

You clear your throat, shifting slightly, and you pull your laptop between the two of you. “Well, we should probably get this finished,” you say with the grace of an elephant tromping through weeds. You click over to the next slide. “Does this look fine to you?”

Paige goes oddly silent, her brows furrowing in confusion and disbelief. “Uh, what?” she says.

“I said does this–”

“No, I heard you,” Paige interrupts. When you don’t meet her eyes, she sighs, exasperated, and closes the lid on your laptop, pushing it to the foot of your bed despite your protests. Then, her hand is sliding around your waist again, resting on the small of your back and pulling you onto your side so you come face to face. Your mouth clamps shut; the heat of Paige’s gaze feels like it’s enough to pick you apart, to melt you entirely, and you know well enough by now that you’re not getting out of this conversation without explaining yourself to her. “Why’d you freak out?” Paige’s voice softens, tinged with an anxious embarrassment as she adds, “I thought we — did I say too much? Do you not…?”

Instantly, you feel guilt all over. You didn’t realize how bad the situation sounded before now, with you changing the topic uncomfortably after Paige basically told you she liked you. “No, I—” You falter, your words failing you, but Paige stares at you with a hopeful patience. “I’ve never… done this before,” you confess. “You’re the first girl I’ve ever liked.”

Realization dawns on Paige’s face. “Oh,” she says, a mixture of relief and understanding lacing her tone. 

“Yeah,” you agree, a vulnerable smile quirking on your lips. “It’s new. A little scary. I really like you but I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“S’okay,” Paige murmurs. Her hand finds yours. “I really like you, too. We can figure it out together.” Her breath catches, eyes widening just a bit. “I mean, if that’s somethin’ you’d want. No pressure.”

You laugh, eyes twinkling as Paige’s cheeks flush pink. “You’re cute when you’re flustered,” you tease her. 

Paige huffs, flopping dramatically onto her other side and putting her back to you. “Goodbye!” 

You can’t stop the smile from spreading across your cheeks but you do stop laughing. You reach out, resting your hand tentatively over her bicep as you hook your chin over her shoulder. “Hey, come on,” you say. “I can’t be the only one who has to be vulnerable.” You can nearly visualize Paige’s eye roll, but she does shift again, meeting your eyes. “I’d like that. Figuring this out with you, I mean.”

Her eyes light up, a slow smile dragging across her face. You don’t even think she’s consciously aware of how happy she looks. “You’re for real?”

You shake your head, laughing under your breath. “Yes, Paige, I’m for real.”

“Good,” she states, beaming.

“Now can we finish our project?”

Paige groans dramatically, rolling over again until she’s sprawled out over you. She hitches one of her obnoxiously long legs across yours, looping an arm around your waist and making herself at home like she’s done this hundreds of times. You can’t stop the flutter in your chest, smiling despite yourself. “Do we gotta?”

“Do you gotta pass AP Lit?” you retort. 

That prompts a sigh from Paige, who untangles herself from you to reach for the laptop she’d pushed haphazardly to the foot of the bed. You miss her warmth immediately, but she’s not gone for long before she’s leaning back against your headboard, your thighs pressed together. She doesn’t make any move to turn it back on, her eyes finding yours instead. You look at her curiously.

“I just want you to know I’m serious about this,” she says honestly, taking you by surprise. “About us.” You soften. “I know a lot of people have hurt you. I’on wanna be one of them. You’re my best friend, you know? I care about you. So…let’s take this slow for now, lemme know how you’re feelin’, yeah?”

You nod, smiling gently and she gives your hand a gentle squeeze. “Same goes for you,” you say, leaning into her a little. She presses herself into your body, her chin brushing against your temple as she nods her head. 

“Promise,” she murmurs. 

And with that vow lingering in the air, the two of you share private, almost starstruck grins and get back to work. Once you finally call it quits fifteen minutes later and you submit your project, Paige is all too content to push your laptop to the side again as she wraps an arm around you fully and begins her scroll through Netflix despite the fact that you know the two of you will be watching High School Musical sooner rather than later. You grin to yourself when she does eventually put it on, not fighting the way your cheeks burn when she absentmindedly plays with your fingers or the way your heart races when she shifts to get comfortable, your legs tangling together. 

As you watch the movie, Paige’s words circulate on repeat in your brain. A lot of people have hurt you. I don’t want to be one of them. You know better than anyone that getting hurt is just another part of life. Despite yourself, you can’t help but believe her, confident that no matter what, your heart will be safe in her hands. You don’t think much of Mack’s warning, of Paige’s celebrity, of just how young the two of you are to be making these kinds of promises. You’re not thinking of the future at all. Your happiness clouds your judgement, and whether you realize it or not, you and Paige are operating on borrowed time. 

Things with Paige are great. Scratch that, they’re nothing short of amazing. The two of you spend the entirety of winter break attached at the hip, splitting your time between your house where you drink copious amounts of hot chocolate and binge silly Christmas movies and her house where you and Drew, her little brother, gang up on her in snowball fights. She whines about the fact it’s two on one, but you point out the fact she’s got an arm like a quarterback and it’s only fair. She only really understands what you mean by that when she launches a snowball at you hard enough to bruise your side, which cuts your snow day short. Paige apologizes profusely, much to your amusement, and she insists on “nursing you back to health” which, in retrospect, seems to have been a clever ploy to get you away from her family and into her arms in the comfort of her room — not that you really needed much convincing for that. 

Sometimes, your days are spent in the park, when Paige gets too restless being inside and wants to play basketball. The two of you shovel away enough snow to reveal the three point line and you rebound for Paige as she shoots. She only manages to get a couple of shots in before her hands get too cold and she starts complaining that the only way to warm them back up is if you’ll hold them. You oblige, you always do, endlessly endeared by her (mostly because you can always spot her gloves hanging out of her back pocket).

The park becomes a place of comfort for the two of you. It’s late December in Minnesota so you almost always have the park to yourselves. You’re able to talk freely without either of your annoying little brothers constantly barging in or worrying about your parents catching you. Paige is out to her family and the Bueckers support her wholeheartedly. You’re not out to your parents yet. You know they wouldn’t particularly mind, either; if anything, they’d probably just implement a really strict open door policy, but it’s still all really new to you. You like Paige. A lot. You fall for her more and more everyday. She’s goofy, sweet (even when she’s teasing you or getting on your nerves), confident, and she always knows how to make you laugh. She’s attentive and she listens. Liking Paige is something you’ve accepted, but you can’t help but be scared of the fact that you don’t really know anything about yourself. 

You can’t figure out if you like girls or if you just like Paige. You can’t look at anyone that’s not her and before her, you’d never even looked twice at another girl. Sure, you always averted your eyes when you passed Victoria’s Secret in the mall and you were really obsessed with Shego from Kim Possible and Starfire from Teen Titans, which could mean nothing. You can’t figure out if you like boys, either, if Logan was a one time thing or if you’d just confused yourself because you wanted to fit in. You don’t know if you’re a lesbian, or if you’re bisexual, something in between or nothing at all. You should be fine with knowing that you like Paige. People always say you don’t have to label it, but labeling means that you know and that it’s real and you can’t help but think that because you don’t know what you’re doing, that you’re doing it wrong or you’re just faking it all.

So you don’t tell your parents. You’re still trying to make sense of it all and you tell Paige as much, honestly a little fearful of her rejection. Part of you feels like you’re leading her on because you can’t give her a straight (no pun intended) answer.

“You don’t gotta have it figured out right now,” she tells you a few days after Christmas. The two of you are back in the park, savoring the peace in the emptiness as you sit side by side on the swings, swaying gently.

You groan a little. “I hate when people say that,” you respond. “I feel like I should know.”

Her eyes find you, warm and patient despite the chill and the fact you’ve been going back and forth on this for days now with you stressing out and Paige being endlessly reassuring about it. “Maybe you do know and you just can’t, like, put it into words?” she offers, drawing your attention. “Sexuality is a spectrum. It doesn’t have to be difficult. You don’t gotta look back on your life for evidence to prove it or whatever. Just be you.”

You fall silent, her words hitting home, and you hate the fact that you’ve been losing your mind over this and all it really took to find some clarity was a conversation with Paige on a swing. Maybe she was right. She usually is about things like this. But you can’t help but feel like you’re missing something. You were the type of person who needed a reason or an explanation for everything. 

“I don’t wanna hurt you,” you rush out, barely registering the raise of Paige’s eyebrows. “I know we said slow. I can do that. But I really like you, like really really like you, and that’s all I’m certain of. I don’t know everything else and I feel like I should because you know everything else—”

“I don’t,” she interrupts, but you keep rambling.

“—but I like you. You’re sweet and you’re kind and you understand me when I don’t understand myself. You always make me feel secure and I hate that this is so confusing!”

Her gloved hand slides into your hoodie pocket. Her fingers tangle with yours, calming a tremor you hadn’t realized you were harboring. She murmurs your name, pulling your gaze to hers, and she squeezes your hand. “Breathe,” she instructs. You do, calming the incessant thrum of your heart. “There we go.” When you’re feeling a little more stable, she continues. “You’re overthinking it.”

“I don’t wanna mess up with you,” you confess, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders when it’s out.

“You won’t,” she promises. “We agreed we’d figure it out, remember? And even if you do mess up, it’s not gonna change how I feel about you. I like you, like really really like you.” This makes you laugh, your breath steaming in the air. “That’s what matters. You like me. I like you. You don’t need to explain why you feel a way and you can’t fake how you feel. I know you.” The expression on Paige’s face is unbelievably fond and you can’t help yourself when you smile, your cheeks heating up. “See?” Paige says with a grin, poking your cheek. “Can’t fake that blush, ma.”

“You’re impossible,” you huff, pushing her hand away, unable to curb your grin. But your rejection does little to stop Paige. Her hands find your sides, tickling you, and you immediately begin squirming in the midst of your giggles. “Paige! You are so annoying—!”

You lose your balance on the swing and you fall off, tumbling safely to the bed of snow beneath you with a slight oof sound. Paige follows you down, the both of you smiling as you try to catch your breaths. She wipes a tear off your cheek that had slipped out in your fits of laughter and it’s only then that you register your position. She’s straddling you, the beanie on her head lopsided from your scuffle, but the joy on her face is radiant despite the blush on her cheeks — whether it’s from the cold or her feelings for you, you don’t know, and when her hand lingers on her cheek, her expression softening, you find that you don’t care. “Paige,” you murmur. You feel your heart slamming against your ribcage, but for different reasons now. 

“Can I kiss you?” she blurts. Judging by the way her face contorts, it seems that she hadn’t expected to say that out loud, but you’re nodding, hands reaching up to grip the collar of her coat and you bring her down to your level. 

When your lips meet, you feel warm all over, like you’re not laying in the snow with Paige’s legs bracketing your thighs. It’s tentative, uncoordinated, and it’s clear that neither of you really know what you’re doing, but it’s your first kiss and it’s with Paige and it’s nothing short of perfect. Your lips move against hers slowly, her hands gentle on your cheeks. Your grip on her coat loosens, wrapping around her neck and pulling her a little closer to you. Her nose brushes against yours and you gasp from the chill of it, which causes her to sigh against you. You’re not really sure who’s leading, but for once, your brain is blissfully quiet; your heart pounds, feeling nothing but a nervous excitement and unfiltered adoration.

You break away for air. Your breaths mingle, clouds of steam fogging between you two and Paige grins down at you, her expression full of fondness and something electric that makes you want to drag her back down again. So you do, your hands a little more insistent this time, and she responds eagerly. Despite the intensity, Paige is unbelievably gentle and each and every press of her lips against yours is sweet. And it’s corny, but your brain feels a little clearer after having Paige’s lips on yours, like you no longer have to search for answers. Like she’s the answer.

She pulls away, her forehead against yours, and you press a gentle kiss to her cheek. Her eyes open slowly, a blush and a smile simultaneously appearing on her face in response. “What was that for?” she asks.

You smile, shrugging a little in response. “It felt right,” you respond, which only seems to make her smile grow. “Someone once told me I don’t always have to have an explanation.”

Paige huffs out a quiet laugh, her eyes crinkling in amusement and fondness. “They sound really smart,” she jokes. 

Your hand finds her cheek, your thumb stroking her dimple. “She is,” you say seriously. Paige’s expression softens, leaning into your touch. “She’s the best person I know.”

“I bet she thinks the same about you,” Paige whispers. 

Despite yourself, you grin, connecting your lips again. The chill nips at your cheeks but the weight of Paige on top of you grounds you, her warmth stabilizing and comforting, and you know in your heart that you’re doing something right.

New Year’s comes and goes and before you know it, school is starting back up in January. Between you and Paige, a lot of things stay the same. She still drives you to school in the morning, often stopping by Dunkin’ and buying you your favorite coffee. On days she doesn’t have practice, she’ll either drive you home or take you to her place where you either work on homework together (although you don’t get much done, most of the time) or binge television together. Paige has you invested in Grey’s Anatomy now, but the two of you have promised to not watch it without the other.

On the other hand, some things do change. Paige walks you to all of your classes now, even when hers aren’t anywhere near yours. Arguing with her was useless, so you learned to suck it up. She kisses you in the empty hallways, something chaste and sweet and sneaky that leaves you wanting more – that was a new thing. Before her, you never realized how nice kissing can be. You’re sure it’s mostly because you’re super into her regardless, but there’s also something about the casual intimacy that you fall for each and every time. She’s gentle and considerate and you’re just so hopelessly attracted to her that you really should have known that kissing her for the first time would alter your brain chemistry. For now, the two of you are content to appreciate the peace and the privacy that you have. Neither of you tell your friends or your family, though you’re sure Mack and Serena are starting to have their suspicions. They’ve asked you a few times, and while you’re not a very good liar, they seem to accept your rejections as they are and they don’t push any further.

Although you do have one, teensy-tiny problem. Paige hasn’t asked you to be her girlfriend yet. You’re not sure how you’re supposed to feel about that, but there is a lingering nervousness and you’re a little hesitant to ask her about it without sounding obsessive or clingy or insecure. In mid-December, you established that you liked each other, although neither of you really did much about that until you kissed in late-December after Christmas. Did kissing her mean the two of you were dating now? Since then, the two of you have kissed a lot. It reminds you of the scene from Glee where Brittany says, ‘Sex isn’t dating. If it was, Santana and I would be dating,’ and granted, while having sex and just kissing are two different things, you’re starting to feel a little worried by the fact that you and Paige are conventionally girlfriends but not technically.

You convince yourself that maybe you and Paige were just being mature about it. High school relationships have almost redefined what dating actually means. You can’t just ask someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend and then start the ‘dating period’ per se. You should probably do the ‘dating period’ first and then make it official once you’ve figured out if you’re compatible. You and Paige, however, have been friends for a little over three months, been in this weird ‘dating’ phase for a little less than one month of that time, and by now you’re pretty certain that you and Paige are very compatible. She’s your best friend. But you really want to make it official with her. You’re just not sure how or if she’s on the same page yet.

Making it official with Paige also means making it official to your parents. That thought doesn’t intimidate you as much as it used to. You’re a lot more comfortable in your sexuality now. You’re pretty much head over heels for Paige, you like girls, and you couldn’t care less about boys. Whether that makes you a lesbian or Paige-sexual as Paige had cracked herself up calling it is a discussion for another day. You’re secure in the fact that Paige’s parents aren’t going to care, that your parents won’t mind, either, and that your classmates are worried more about themselves than whoever you of all people are dating. Being out just means you don’t have to stress about sneaking around or if someone’s going to walk into the girl’s bathroom when you’re making out with Paige. Not that you make out with Paige in the girl’s bathroom, because that would just be kind of insane. But hypothetically if you were making out with Paige in the girl’s bathroom, then you wouldn’t have to be scared of getting caught by a classmate. Hypothetically.

The first Friday night home game after winter break is one that you were looking forward to. You knew the Royals were playing a weaker team, so you were excited to see Paige show out, especially after getting to witness first-hand a lot of the effort she’d put into honing her skills over the break. She gave you a ride to school, forced you into her hoodie (yes, the one with her jersey number and her last name on the back and yes, you didn’t really need to be convinced, but you really liked the warmth of her hands on your skin as she helped you into it), and kissed you over the center console of her stepmom’s SUV. It was enough to short circuit your brain. You didn’t need to see her expression to know the reaction she’d elicited from you had made her incredibly smug, but you could visualize it all the same as she made her way to the locker room with her duffle bag slung over her shoulder. Paige Bueckers was going to be the death of you. That much you were sure of.

She’s pure electricity that night. You knew the game was going to be a blowout, but this was next level. If you weren’t so distracted by Paige and the way she was slicing through their defense, you would probably feel bad for the other team. She was putting up insane numbers – 15 points in the first quarter alone, six assists – but she was doing her thing on defense, too. She was clamping the offense, forcing their shots to bounce harmlessly off the rim, and late in the second quarter, she even had a clean block that ricocheted off of the offense and awarded the Royals with the ball. You couldn’t keep your eyes off of her. Judging by the glances she’d shoot your way anytime they’d line up for free throws, you’re positive that she knew of your evident distraction, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to be ashamed by it. Watching Paige play was a source of pride for you. She was so good at it and she works so hard everyday to show up and show out. It honestly makes you a little emotional in a good way. You’re just proud of her, of her successes. You admire her dedication and her love for the spot, the care she puts in day in and day out to be the best.

Once the game ends, you make your way out of the crowded gym and out to her mom’s SUV, starting the ignition and settling into the passenger seat. You knew that Paige would have a long line of people to greet and that she was adamant about showering before getting anywhere near you after a game. As much as you would love to see her and hang out right after, the both of you knew that you wouldn’t be able to get in a word edgewise. This arrangement, however, did have its positives. The two of you cherished the time you got to spend alone without dozens of eyes on you and you appreciated being able to speak freely. You pull out your phone, scrolling through social media as you wait for Paige.

She doesn’t keep you waiting too long. You spot her walking your direction, bag slung over her shoulder again and her hair thrown up in a loose bun. She’s illuminated by the streetlight but you know well enough by now that the glow on her face is from the sweetness of the win. You smile, your heart thrumming a kind of anticipation that only Paige has ever been able to draw from you. She opens the driver’s side door, sliding in with a happy grin, and tosses her bag into the backseat before she’s leaning over the center console with a murmured greeting, planting an easy kiss on your cheek. You don’t fight the heat on your cheeks, your smile growing bigger when her hand finds yours.

“Good game, superstar,” you tease, relishing in the bashful smile that overtakes her face.

“Thank you,” she says. She gives your hand a gentle squeeze, her eyes finding yours. “There was a pretty girl in the stands. I had to show out for her.”

“Oh?” you ask, feigning curiosity. “Where is she? Not just anyone captures the Paige Bueckers’s eye.”

Paige grins at you again, mischievous and wicked and fond all at the same time. “She’s right where she needs to be,” she retorts, which makes your smile soften into something more tender. “You’re right, though. She’s not just anyone. She’s kind, and funny, and smart, and she’s got this heart of gold. And she’s got this smile that makes you weak in the knees and she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.”

“Get a grip,” you say, trying to regain your dignity and trying to ignore the blush on your cheeks to the best of your ability. Judging by the way Paige’s smile turns smug, you don’t think it’s working. “You know I like you. You don’t have to woo me.”

“I do,” Paige insists, finally giving you a moment of reprieve when she puts the vehicle in drive and begins making her way out of the parking lot. Once the two of you became friendly and you started showing up to more of her games, a trip out to Dairy Queen became your post-game tradition. She’d buy the two of you a blizzard and she’d park in a quiet, empty lot while you chatted for what felt like minutes but would quickly turn into hours. You know the night’s only over when your spoon hits the bottom of your cup and Paige starts losing her filter. Now, it’s something that you look forward to. “Gotta keep you on your toes. Romance is lifelong, baby. You don’t stop once you got the girl.”

You can’t stop your sudden laughter, amused by her antics. “You got the girl?”

She shoots you an indignant look. “Don’t play. You know I got it like that. I’m all romantical and shit.”

“Total lady killer,” you deadpan. “I’m swooning.”

“You will be,” she agrees. “You make fun of me now but you keep on comin’ back. You just can’t resist Paige Buckets.”

“Maybe I just feel bad for you.” Paige huffs at this, but a smile is quirking on her face. “And nobody calls you Paige Buckets.”

“I do,” she retorts. “Which makes it real. I think therefore I am. That’s Shakespeare.”

“It’s not – you know what? Sure,” you snort, knowing full well that the two of you will sit here for hours arguing about it. “Don’t quit basketball.”

Paige smirks at you as she pulls into the Dairy Queen drive-thru. “Never,” she affirms, only looking away from you when the speaker crackles to life. Paige rattles off your orders (knowing yours by heart, which doesn’t make you feel a little soft) and pulls forward when requested. You make light small talk while you wait for your ice creams and Paige pays – as always; you’d tried once and she confiscated your card until she dropped you off at your house. Then she’s driving off in search of the parking lot you always chill at, her ice cream in the cup holder, her hands firmly on the wheel and eyes on the road. You feed her bites of yours when she stops at red lights, the sheer domesticity of it all feeling so right.

When the vehicle is safely in park, she moves the seat back a few inches, stretching out her legs as one of her playlists echoes through the speakers, a mix of The Weeknd, Brent Faiyaz, and Bryson Tiller. The energy in the car, mellowed out and calmer, still sparks with a sort of electricity that always encompasses you and Paige. Her smiles feel a little looser, more purposeful, and her eyes linger on your face when she looks at you. You talk about everything and nothing, recounting the game and Paige’s insane plays, the homework you’ve neglected to make the most of this time with her, and the date she was taking you on tomorrow night. You’re both nearing the bottoms of your cups, spoons scraping against plastic, and with a soft smile, she offers you the last bite of hers. Her thumb swipes at your bottom lip to clean a bit of ice cream that had run astray. It makes your heart beat a little faster. Paige always had this uncanny ability to make you nervous, to make all of your neurons fire at the same time. You came to the realization long ago that you were hopelessly attracted to her, but it’s times like these that remind you of just how magnetic she is.

The two of you have been here for over an hour now. A glance at the clock tells you that it’s nearing midnight. It always surprises you how easy it is to pass time with Paige. You know that it’s time for the both of you to start making your way home, but Paige doesn’t make any move to shift the car into gear, and you honestly don’t want the moment to end either. You also know that Paige is reaching the end of her sensibilities, her laughs a little brighter and delirious, her fingers restless in how they twist the ring on your thumb.

“You okay?” you ask her, wondering if there’s something that’s keeping her here, if she needs you to drive home or if there’s something else weighing on her. She meets your eyes, a tender smile on her face, her expression soft and sleepy and enamored.

“I’m perfect,” she whispers. “Can we just…sit here a little longer?” The last part is even quieter, if that was at all possible, and you nod. Her fingers tangle with yours fully. And then she starts rambling. “‘M really glad Mr. Mattson partnered us up for that project,” she admits. “It brought me to you. I’on know if I woulda had the courage to talk to you otherwise.”

You giggle, a little in disbelief. “You, nervous?” you repeat. “No way.”

Paige nods emphatically, completely serious. “Yes way. You’re…you’re beautiful, you know that? Like scary beautiful. Like make a girl get super rich during Prohibition, build a mansion, and yearn for you from afar beautiful.”

She grins at you as you roll your eyes. “You are so full of it.”

“And yet,” she murmurs, her thumb rubbing soothing circles across your knuckles, “you put up with me, anyway.” You nod, conceding, and she continues. “Point is, you kinda make me nervous. In a good way. I just… I feel like I need to impress you and do right by you. Guess what I’m tryin’ to say is you make me be the best version of myself. And I, you know, I really like doing this with you.”

You smile softly and squeeze her hand. “I like doing this with you, too,” you admit, drawing a smile from Paige.

Then, she’s shifting in her seat, angling her body towards yours, and her face is pensive, like she’s debating with herself internally. You almost ask her if she’s okay but her next words steal the very breath from your lungs. “Will you be my girlfriend?” she says, and your jaw drops slightly, unsure if you’ve even heard her correctly. Then, she’s sighing, clearing her throat and trying again. “I mean, can I be your girlfriend?” The clarification does little to calm the thumping of your heart. The words get stuck in your throat, emotions swirling through you. Excitement. Relief. Anticipation. An overwhelming amount of affection. Paige seems to mistake your stunned silence for rejection because she starts rambling again. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I had this whole thing planned out and it was supposed to be really romantic. I was gonna ask you at dinner tomorrow, like I already called the restaurant and I was gonna get you a slice of cheesecake because you hate the other kind of cake and it was gonna have the, you know, the question on it and I wrote you a letter ‘cause I can’t talk around you, and–”

You curl your fingers in the fabric of her hoodie and you pull her across the center console,  shutting her up with a kiss. She relaxes instantly, melting into your embrace as her hands find your hips, trying to minimize the space between your bodies. She breaks away, huffing because the center console is in her fucking way, and before you know it, she’s lifting you by your waist and drops you on her lap, kissing you again with a different kind of urgency that’s equal parts relief, gratitude, and so much unrestrained fondness. You wrap your arms around her neck, trying to angle your kiss so you can regain some control because her pace and intensity is honestly making you a little dizzy.

When you run out of air, you plant both of your hands on her chest, pulling away from her with considerable difficulty. You have to stop yourself from kissing her again because you know you’re not going to get another word out. You lean back, smiling when you take in the unmistakable shine in her eyes, the dopey grin on her lips. Your noses brush when you finally respond with a simple, “Yes.”

“Yeah?” she repeats, her arms looping around your waist to hold you a little closer to her body. She looks up at you, her happiness evident, and you can’t stop yourself from leaning in to plant one more lingering kiss to her mouth, humming an affirmative. “Knew you’d say yes. I’m irresistible.”

You pull away from her to laugh in disbelief. “Okay, I see how you’re forgetting the whole ‘I wrote you a letter ‘cause I can’t talk around you’ business. Which, by the way, I wanna see, but you’re so lucky you’re cute because you’re kind of a loser.”

“Loser?” she exclaims, indignant. “Nah, that’s actually crazy!”

“No! Like, you’re this badass athlete and you just dropped like 40 points–”

“43,” she cuts in.

“–40 points tonight and you’re over here nervous about asking me to be your girlfriend–”

“I wanted it to be perfect! It was gonna be perfect but you looked so pretty and I couldn’t wait!”

“Babe,” you say, laughing under your breath, your expression fond as you cup her cheeks, drawing her eyes up to yours. “It’s perfect because it’s us, okay? Us, cramped in your mom’s Honda Pilot, our half melted Dairy Queen and your freaky ass R&B.”

“S’not freaky,” she huffs, but you don’t pay her any mind.

“This was perfect,” you reiterate, your voice softening. Paige exhales under you, taking your words to heart. “Being with you is perfect. But is the cheesecake still on the table for tomorrow?”

“Of course,” Paige says, a furrow in her brow. “Just pretend to be surprised when it comes out.” You hum against her again, kissing her cheek, and she squeezes your waist a little, her voice suddenly a lot more nervous. “Uh, what does this mean for us? I mean…like our parents?”

You’re surprised by how calm you are by the question. You play with the stray hairs at the back of her neck, shrugging an unbothered shoulder. “You wanna tell them?” you ask her.

“I wanna do what you want,” she deflects.

“I want you to answer my question,” you retort.

Paige rolls her eyes, amused. “I would…like to be out. With them, at least. I’on wanna hide forever…but I know this is still kinda new for you. And we don’t have to do nothin’ serious at school, either. Seriously. Whatever you want.” Her hands are warm as they slip under your – her – hoodie, and the touch makes you feel more grounded.

“We can tell them tomorrow?” you offer, hesitant, but when Paige’s face lights up, you know you’ve made the right choice. “As for school, I think I wanna enjoy this while it’s still ours, you know? Just us. I wouldn’t mind being public eventually but I do mind the attention. I guess what I mean is we can be out but I don’t want everyone in our business.”

“Private, not a secret?” she asks, and you nod, relieved because she understands exactly what you were trying to say. “That works for me. And we can tell our parents tomorrow before we go out? Together?”

“Together,” you confirm, a smile lighting up your features.

She leans in to kiss you again, her own smile growing against your lips. Her nose brushes yours when she draws back enough to speak. “Just want you,” she promises. “Nothing else matters to me. Other people, the internet, nothing. Just lemme know how you’re feeling and we’ll handle it, okay?”

“Promise,” you swear. Paige grins at you again, drawing you in for a hug. You sit there in her arms for a while before you find your way back to the passenger seat and she drives the two of you back home.

She bids you a goodnight in the car, pressing one last lingering kiss to your lips before you stand on your porch to unlock the door. She doesn’t drive off until you’re safely inside. When you’re finally in your room, you don’t take the hoodie off, comforted by Paige’s scent encompassing you, and you fall asleep with an unshakable happiness in your heart and a smile on your face.

(The next day, you and Paige tell your parents, officially. You start with the Bueckers’ first and it goes as well as you were expecting. You and your girlfriend sat them down, explaining, we’re dating and we’re very happy. Moe gave the two of you comforting smiles, but Bob cleared his throat and admitted, “Uh…yeah, we saw you kiss on the Ring doorbell.” You wanted to crawl into a hole and die, to be honest, but Moe and Bob pulled the both of you into hugs and promised that as long as you and Paige were safe and happy, then they were happy for you.

Then, it was time for your family, and you were a little nervous. Granted, they had no idea that you liked girls, let alone would date one. Their reaction was basically the same as the Bueckers’, informing you that they had their suspicions since you and Paige were glued at the hip and that your little brother told them that he was pretty sure he almost saw the two of you kiss almost a month and a half ago. That was objectively worse than the Bueckers’ catching you on the ring doorbell. You were correct in assuming they’d make you keep your door open when Paige is over. And judging by the slightly horrified expression on Paige’s face when your dad finishes talking to her in private, you’re pretty sure he gave her the shovel talk of the century.

And, just so it’s absolutely clear, the date that Paige takes you on that evening is the best date you’ve ever been on – so far. She brings you flowers, pulls your chair out for you, and enchants you all night long with easy conversation. When the waitress brings out your slice of cheesecake with Will you be my girlfriend? written in strawberry puree, you sell your surprise and performance so well that the waitress brings out a second slice, chocolate flavored just for Paige. You’re sure that the night couldn’t get any better, but before she drops you off at home, she reads that damn letter to you and you can’t stop the happy tears. She kisses you goodnight, her expression adoring, and you know that you have the best girlfriend in the world.)

The rest of junior year passes in a blur. You’re the happiest you’ve been in your entire life, your grades are phenomenal, and Paige leads her team to a blowout state championship win. As if that wasn’t electrifying enough, she signed with the University of Connecticut the week after the tournament ended on April 19th. Your girlfriend was officially a Husky and would bleed blue for her college career. You couldn’t help but be overwhelmingly proud of her – playing for UConn has been her life goal, hoping to cement her name as one of the greats next to Sue Bird, Diana Taurasi, Maya Moore. While you couldn’t get into UConn with as much ease as she did, UConn would be the first school you submitted your application for once October rolled around. You weren’t sure who was more excited – you or Paige – at the prospect of going to college together, but what you did know was that you couldn’t wait to cheer her on as she took the world by storm.

With the harder parts of the school year long gone, the time for prom came around in late April. Paige secured your tickets as soon as they went on sale and was dead set on making it the best night of your life. She prom-posed to you with what was possibly the cheesiest sign in the world: it was decorated with lopsided basketballs (although you appreciated the fact that Paige made her sign completely homemade) and read ‘Together, we’re a slam dunk. Take a shot at prom with me?’ and there was no way in hell you’d ever say no to something like that. It took you less than four hours to find the perfect dress, although you spent a week with Paige travelling from mall to boutique to find the perfect thing for her to wear. Dress shopping with Paige proved to be a difficult task, especially for someone who seemed to hate dresses as much as she did. When you suggested she just wear a pair of jeans and a nice shirt, she nearly lost her mind in the middle of the store.

“What kind of date wears jeans and a shirt to prom?” she’d exclaimed, rifling through the dress racks, beginning to ramble. “No, ‘cause that actually pisses me off. Like, you see all these girls walkin’ around in these pretty dresses, make up done to the nines, and their boyfriends can’t even be bothered to iron their shirts?”

“I want you to be comfortable,” you said to her. “What you’re wearing won’t matter to me. You know that.”

She huffed, pulling a black dress off the rack and holding it to her torso, glancing in the mirror with a pensive expression. “It matters to me. I can’t be caught dead next to you lookin’ like an idiot.”

“Well…” you trailed off, much to her chagrin, and she pouted at you dramatically as you laughed. “Get that one,” you advised. “It won’t be super tight on you so you’ll have some breathing room. And I like the way your arms will look in it.” When she tried it on, you walked in on her in the dressing room flexing in the mirror, and, well, you were right.

With the dress debacle out of the way, that meant you had to consider other factors, like your matching corsages and dinner beforehand. Those were slightly less intimidating decisions to make. Paige knew next to nothing about flowers and her only demand was “they have to look nice,” so you found the corsages. You weren’t paying for dinner and Paige knew your likes and dislikes like the back of her hand, so she handled the reservations and promised she wouldn’t dirty Moe’s SUV if the two of you could borrow it for the night. All that was left was prom itself and considering it would be your first and you don’t get another junior prom, you were incredibly excited for it.

Dinner was nice – it would have been hard to fuck up since Paige chose a restaurant she knew you liked and it was hard to not enjoy your time with her anyhow. She serenaded you as she drove, belting Keyshia Cole’s Love like she was a contestant on The Voice. And, sure, it was incredibly off-key and her voice cracked during the vocal flips on “I found,” but you couldn’t help your endearment for her. Making you laugh was one of the things she was a master at. You arrived at the school in good spirits, turned in your tickets without an issue, and entered the gym with high hopes.

The music is thumping, echoing throughout the gym. You can feel the bass in the floor and your body almost immediately vibrates from the noise. Paige curses lightly under her breath, her hand finding yours with a wince, and she glances at you curiously, a simple you okay? visible in her eyes. You nod and she leads you over to the drink table where she gives the two-liter soda bottle a cursory sniff before pouring it in a red solo cup for you. You remember hearing that last year’s prom got cancelled early because someone spiked the punch bowl, which is why they shifted to pouring directly from plastic bottles, but you could never be too sure and you appreciated Paige for her protectiveness.

As you drink, you take in the decorations. The student council was tasked with setting everything up – deciding on the theme, ordering the decorations, putting them up. As you glance around the packed gym, your eyes taking in the streamers and the lights (you pretend that you don’t notice a section of lights that have already been ripped down), you determine that you really can’t tell what the prom theme is supposed to be. A girl and her date pass by you in a 20s flapper dress and a wrinkled button up with Timbs, of all shoes; then you’re passed by a girl wearing polka dots and her date in a graphic t-shirt. You’re getting a lot of mixed signals right now.

“Wanna dance?” Paige asks you and you nod, throwing your cup away, allowing your girlfriend to lead you to an emptier section of the gym. For a while, you’re not really sure what’s playing until the bass drop is over and you realize it’s some remixed version of Zedd’s Clarity. You glance around, watching people dance. There’s a group of students towards the front of the gym near the DJ stand jumping up and down like it’s a mosh pit. There’s another section of people bobbing their heads and moving stiffly. To your right, there’s a group swaying, their phones raised as they capture the moment.

“This is not what I thought prom would be,” you comment off-handedly to Paige, who’s halfheartedly shimmying. 

She shrugs a shoulder, reaching out for your hands with a smile and pulling you closer to her, making sure to leave room for Jesus, as she’d once joked. “We can make our own fun,” she yells over the thump of the music. She drags you into an awkward, uncoordinated and off-rhythm shimmy-dance-shake thing, but her smile is infectious enough that you’re throwing all caution to the wind as you allow her to lead you. You laugh along with her for the remainder of the song before you’re joined by a few of her teammates and their dates. Paige introduces you and together, the small group of you dance to a few more songs. You take a few group photos in varying poses, then find some snacks, and you burn another half hour dancing before the pain in your feet gets to be too much and the music starts giving you a headache.

You don’t want to be a buzzkill, but you have to admit that prom is a weird mix of overwhelming and lackluster. It’s a lot better with friends, though; the short period of time you spent with Paige’s teammates was invigorating but there’s just not a lot to do that’s not eating, dancing, taking photos, or watching people try to dance. You intertwine your fingers with Paige’s, drawing her attention and whispering in her ear about needing air. She nods, leading you towards the door and snagging another drink for you on the way out. The cool breeze and the peace does wonders for you.

“I’on wanna ruin your night,” Paige begins, a little sheepish, “but was this kinda…”

“Lame?” you supply, watching the relief spread across Paige’s face.

“Yeah,” she agrees. You offer her a sip of the soda and she takes it gratefully, holding onto the cup for you as you toe off your heels, lowering yourself to the sidewalk and taking a seat. You stretch out your legs, sighing when the pressure in your feet is alleviated. “Wanna get Dairy Queen after this?”

You groan, leaning your head onto hers as she wraps an arm around your shoulders. “Like you even have to ask,” you murmur, appreciative of the peace. Paige chuckles, her thumb rubbing against your shoulder. The two of you sit there for a while soaking it all in before the music inside dies down. You can hear the echo of the DJ as he tells everyone to partner up for the slow dance. Paige sets your cup on the ground, removing her arm and standing up. You glance at her as she extends her hand for you to take.

“May I have this dance?” she asks, and you laugh, unable to say no. You allow her to pull you to your feet as the opening notes of Taylor Swift’s Crazier bleed through the gym walls. She navigates you both to the grass, your feet bare against the cool ground, and she wraps her arms around your waist as yours go around her neck.

I'd never gone with the wind, just let it flow

Let it take me where it wants to go

The two of you sway, the sound of chirping crickets serving as the perfect background to the gentle hum of the music through the walls. Her hands are warm on your side, her chin pressed to the top of your head, your face cradled gently against her chest. If you were being honest, this is probably the most content you’ve been since dinner – being alone with Paige has a way of cheering you up.

I was trying to fly, but I couldn't find wings

But you came along and you changed everything

Paige starts humming the lyrics, the vibrations of her voice soothing you as you follow her lead. Your fingers smooth some of the flyaway strands at the back of her neck, hands mapping the expanse of her toned shoulders, content to just feel her and relish in this tender, unexpecting intimacy.

You lift my feet off the ground

You spin me around

You make me crazier, crazier

It’s then that you’re hit with a gentle realization, the lyrics resonating with you. You and Paige have been together for close to four months at this point, although it feels closer to five months since you admitted your feelings to her back in late December. Every day since then has been full of nothing but pure enjoyment, a whole lot of care, and some of the best times of your life. Paige has this way of always making you smile, even when the day gets hard, this way of making you feel so appreciated and cared for. You’re young and you really weren’t expecting her to come into your life the way she did, but you really can’t deny this overflow of emotion that you feel when she’s around. You know exactly why you feel this way.

You lift your head off her chest, your hands resting on the tops of her shoulders as you pull back far enough to look her in the eye. She gazes at you curiously, her thumbs rubbing soothing circles against your hips, and you can’t help your smile as you kiss her tenderly. She responds, pulling you flush against her, and you know that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

“What was that for?” she whispers, an enamored little grin on her face, cheeks bright with a blush.

You don’t hesitate. “I just love you,” you confess.

You expect her to freeze up. You expect her jaw to go slack, to ask you to repeat what you said. Love wasn’t something you should just drop so casually – the both of you knew that. But Paige’s smile only grows, a lone dimple popping out as her eyes shine under the streetlight. She cups your cheeks in her hands and leans down to kiss you again. It’s soft, barely-there brushes that you can still feel in your heart; her lips ask you a simple question that you can’t help but answer. You lean into it, into the love that has built between the two of you over the months you’ve been together and the months you’ll be together in the future, into the shared promise of I’m yours.

“I love you,” Paige whispers, punctuating her words with a squeeze. “So much.”

You smile against her lips, letting her pull you back in. The music fades into nothing, your focus entirely on Paige, on the way her lips move against yours, the way her hands cradle your face, the way she loves you. You’ve given your heart over to her completely and she cherishes it like it’s her own. Sometimes, there are things you’re just born knowing, and right now, you know that everything in your life has led you to being here now, to being Paige’s. You couldn’t think of anything better than that.

SENIOR YEAR – 2019-2020

Senior year is the beginning of the end.

You and Paige spend summer break attached at the hip, but not overbearingly so. You’d gotten a part-time job mostly to make some extra money and to make your resume look a little better, so you were occupied by that four days a week. Paige, on the other hand, was spending extra time in the gym and running drills with private trainers and coaches. She was committed to one of the best colleges in the country for basketball – summer was not the time to be slacking off. It was the time for her to get better, stronger, faster; if you wanted to celebrate with the best, you had to be the best, and Paige turned that pressure into motivation.

Above all else, you still made time for each other, even when she was exhausted from practicing and you wanted to crawl into a hole and die because food service sucks (seriously, you were a cashier – what makes people think you of all people fucked up their food? Your job was to hit buttons and ask if they wanted fries with that). At the heart of it, you and Paige were each other’s remedies. You were a source of peace, comfort, and relaxation. Honestly, much of the time the two of you shared over the summer was spent napping, but you weren’t going to complain. You were busy and she was busy and you’d take whatever you could get, even if that meant being the big spoon every other night.

Things weren’t harder by any means. They weren’t any easier, but they were just different. You had to get used to managing your time, learn how to effectively maintain a relationship when the only time you really get to see each other is once or twice a week (and when Paige is snoring for most of it). You’d argue that this is just making the two of you stronger. The two of you would only be busier in college. Now is the time for growing up and realizing that you couldn’t reasonably spend every waking moment together, as much as you would like to. You were fine, Paige was fine, the two of you communicated, and you were very happy.

Well, there was one slight issue.

Following Paige’s commitment, your Instagram messages and comments had been blowing up. It started small. There were joking comments (or so you’d hoped) with messages of ‘You better not distract Paige next season!’ and their variations. It all ramped up from there. Trolls accusing you of only dating Paige because she’d become a millionaire once she’s in college, accusing you of keeping her out of the gym. Someone even said that UConn wouldn’t win a national championship anytime soon considering their starting point guard would be too busy playing the part of a doting girlfriend.

You won’t lie. All of the comments and the messages were really heavy. Here you were, barely 18 and you had crazy fans of varying age levels all in your business and saying awful things. There were comments you wouldn’t even dream of repeating. You talked to Paige about it and she’d held you as you cried. It was less of the content, but it was more about the spam and the constant onslaught and the amount of people tearing you down for no good reason. Paige posted on her socials requesting for people to leave you alone. While there was an outcry of support from the kinder folk, you’d somehow gotten even more harassment in your messages. You eventually caved and privated all of your accounts, scrubbing the nasty comments and trying to go about your life.

The damage had already been done.

Senior year was supposed to be your best year thus far, yet everything was bleak. It was nowhere close to the academic rigor of your junior year, but you were taking a few more dual enrollment classes and a lone AP, which means you were spending a lot more of your time studying so your grades wouldn’t slip. You ended up having to drop one of your clubs, too. You were less upset about that one considering it wasn’t doing a lot for you anyways. The fact that everything started piling up and you had to make all of these ultimatums was weighing on you.

Paige was incredibly busy, too. Coming off of a championship win from the year before, her coach was determined to get them back there again this year. Practices were longer, more grueling, and as if those weren’t enough, Paige was spending more time in the gym alone to get shots in and run drills, like she had something to prove. Maybe she did. She needed to show that she wasn’t an overrated high school player, that Geno Auriemma didn’t make a mistake in recruiting her. She needed to prove that she has what it takes to go from a high school championship contending team to a collegiate championship contending team. Combined with her own classwork, she was running out of time to devote to you, so the two of you were honestly just stuck.

The time you did get to spend with one another never felt like it was enough. You tried your best to fit in dates that had nothing to do with school or basketball, just the two of you. You loved each other. You would go through worse things than this, and you were dedicated to making it work, damn it. You communicated – or tried to, at least. You could tell Paige was under a lot of pressure, you knew her well enough by now. Anytime you brought it up, she’d always say that she’s just tired or that she needs to lock in because the pressure is only going to increase when she’s in college. You tried to help, but you just didn’t know how, and you were terrified of pushing her too far. She didn’t need you to be this clingy, obsessed girlfriend who can’t function without her, and maybe you were worried about becoming too much, too. It’s just a hard pill to swallow when you go from being all over each other in junior year to whatever the fuck this is now. You have to remind yourself that you and Paige need the space to be your own people. You’re changing, she’s changing, and you can’t hold onto a past version of her – if you force her to be something she’s not, you’ll just lose her, and that’s not something you can stomach. So you take her word for it, letting her be her own person, even if it feels like you’re still losing a battle you could never have won in the first place.

Growing up is hard, isn’t it? 

And it’s weird – because it’s not like everything is bad. There’s a lot of good times, too. Paige still drives you home after her games, making sure to stop at Dairy Queen, making sure to fit in some time at that parking lot just to chat with you. Sometimes it gets a little heavy when she’s a few hours past delirious and her kisses become a little more insistent, sloppier against your skin and you both have to remember to chill out because your first time is not about to be in the backseat of her stepmom’s Honda Pilot. She still smiles at you like you’re her everything, because you are. It’s hard, but she moves mountains to make time for you, even if that just means spending the night at your house and in your arms and you do nothing but sleep because you’re both just exhausted from life.

You still wear her hoodie, the one with her number and her name on the back and the one that’s starting to smell like the perfect blend of the two of you. You leave your clothes at her house and she leaves hers at yours. You and Paige integrate so seamlessly into each other’s lives that the slow-forming rift between the two of you is unexpected when it eventually cracks, sending the two of you tumbling into a bottomless chasm. Somehow, you miss it entirely — the fractures, the shifting of tectonic plates. Maybe the hard truth is you don’t miss it at all, but you ignore it in hopes that you can patch up the lacerations. 

But that rift doesn’t actualize for another few months, for for now — you’re fine. Unknowing of what’s ahead of you, too busy and too in love to focus on anything but the present. 

The holidays are a much needed reprieve. Thanksgiving and Christmas back to back means your classwork finally lessens and Paige isn’t spending every waking moment in the gym. That doesn’t mean that she didn’t try to spend every waking moment in the gym, though. On the very first day of Thanksgiving break, you could feel her shifting around in your bed at an hour that was definitely not appropriate. She was apologetic for waking you up and said that she just wanted to get some shots in before the local rec teams took over the courts. You weren’t having any of it. Half-asleep, you’d dragged her back into bed with you, climbing on top of her and resting your head on her chest, murmuring nonsense about missing her. The details are fuzzy, but you do remember waking up some hours later after the sun finally rose and Paige was still in bed with you, her arms wrapped tight around your waist.

Spending so much uninterrupted time over break reminded you why you fell in love with Paige in the first place. It wasn’t like you were starved of reminders while you were both in school – she texted you good morning (although this was anywhere from 5-6am) and she texted you good night (anywhere from 12-1am); the knowledge that you were the first and the last thing on her mind made your heart race. She walked you to and from your classes, carried your bag for you, but it was that time outside of school that you were truly missing with her.

When you brush your teeth together in the morning, she flicks water at you teasingly and wipes the foam off your lip when you miss a spot. She’ll sit atop the counter and watch as you do your skincare or your makeup with an enamored look on her face. Most days, she allows you to do her mascara or apply some new skin cream on her face, although the latter usually ends with Paige whining about how it burns and you reminding her that just means it’s working. You spend time with each other’s family, you go on dates, open presents at each other’s house, and a few days after Christmas, she takes you back to the park where you’d shared your first kiss. It’s not your one year anniversary since Paige was, ugh, a gentlewoman and “courted” you (well, as well as high schoolers can “court”) prior to making it official, but it’s close enough for you. The realization that you’ve shared your life with Paige for a year fills you with an indescribable emotion and all you really know is you can’t wait to share more and more years with her.

After New Year’s, everything shifts again. You get busy with school and Paige locks back in for basketball. Her team has been undefeated the entire year and they’re on the right track to make it back to the championship, which seems to ignite a fire under her. She spends her time in the gym, practicing and practicing and practicing. You can tell it’s wearing on her. Her texts become sparse and you often find yourself making your way to the gym at night just so you can drive her home. When you ask why she’s burning herself out like this, her response is always a variation of I need to be better or We’re so close – I can’t let the team down but you know her. You know she’s not telling you the complete truth and that kills you.

What had you done so wrong that Paige doesn’t trust you with her feelings anymore? What had you done so wrong that you’ve forced her into locking herself in the gym until her fingers bleed and her feet blister? Perhaps if you were a little more online, you’d understand why. Between the trolls and your mass amounts of homework, you hardly had the time for Instagram. You don’t see the comments under Paige’s posts, claiming you’d just be a distraction in college. You don’t see the comments arguing that Paige’s uncharacteristic performance in a recent game is your fault.

It’s in mid-February that you grow tired of the overthinking and the ache that’s made its home in your chest. It’s nearing midnight but you can’t sleep. You’ve been staring at Paige’s location on the Find My map for nearly four hours now – she’s been on the court ever since practice ended. You tried to give her space. You didn’t want to be overbearing. You know that she’s under pressure but God you just wanted her to confide in you, to feel more like a girlfriend rather than an afterthought. So, you slide on a pair of shoes, tucking your keys into your pocket and you begin the quick walk to the park.

You hear the rhythmic bouncing of the ball before you see Paige. You hear the dribble, the swish of the net, the clang of the rim. The basketball rolls towards you and you pick it up, coming face to face with Paige, whose face is a picture of surprise.

“Hey,” she says softly. You pause to take in her appearance. She’s dressed in a pair of athletic shoes, ball shorts and a loose tank top. She’s soaked in sweat, her hair sticking to her forehead and her eyes a wild mix of exhaustion and pure determination. Your heart constricts in your chest. Why is she doing this to herself? “What are you doing here?”

“It’s late,” you say, quirking an unamused smile. “Almost midnight. Couldn’t really sleep without knowing if my girlfriend was alive or not.”

She stares at you like she’s trying to read your expression. A slow wave of realization rolls over her and she sucks in a deep breath, knowing she’s in trouble. “I’m okay,” she says but you know she’s not. “Just–”

“‘Just trying to get some shots up,’” you interrupt. “‘Just wanna be prepared for the championship.’” Paige’s jaw ticks and she runs a frustrated hand across her jaw. You soften a little, knowing that you’re not the only one with shit going on. That consideration would get you in trouble one day, but you don’t really care right now. “Can we talk? Please?”

“I need to–”

“Paige,” you breathe out, your voice firm despite the way it cracks. You feel the tears prick at your eyes and you can’t help but feel frustrated at yourself for getting emotional. “Please stop running away from me,” you beg.

She looks like she’s about to argue again, although she thinks better of it, nodding her head and taking a seat on the bench where her bag rests. You sit next to hear, placing the basketball on the other side of you. Paige is silent, her hands folded together and her brows drawn in. You speak first. “I’m worried about you.” That draws her attention, confusion and guilt and hurt lining her expression, but you swallow, continuing. “I hardly see you outside of school and you spend every waking moment with a ball in your hand. I know you think that you need to work harder or train harder, but it’s killing you, Paige. You say you’re fine and I wanna believe that but we’ve been dating for a year now. I know you better than that. This is wearing you down and I just don’t understand why you can’t be honest with me about why you’re doing this to yourself.”

The distant chirp of the crickets is all you can hear. Then, she heaves a shuddering sigh. “I’m not good enough for this,” she confesses in a murmur. “That’s what everyone says. I’m overrated. That Coach Auriemma shoulda recruited someone else – someone better, faster, stronger, taller. Basketball is my future but lately it just feels like that’s another thing I have to prove to people who watch me from behind a screen. There’s so many people relying on me, watching me, investing in me and I can’t – I can’t let them down. I can’t lose. I am so fucking afraid of losing that I forget how to win.”

“Paige,” you whisper, your hand reaching out to hold hers. She intertwines your fingers so tightly that it hurts your hand. You don’t care. “You are so much more than what people have to say about you, okay? Isn’t that what you told me?”

She huffs, something akin to amusement, but there’s no enjoyment in her expression. “You didn’t sign up for that,” she retorts. “They were hurting you ‘cause of me.”

“No one signs up to be an online punching bag,” you state. “Least of all you. You don’t deserve that.” She shakes her head, disbelieving. You lean into her, trying to ground her, and she shivers against you. “You know it’s not true, right? There is no one better, or stronger, or faster than you. Maybe taller, but I love you the way you are.” That’s enough to draw a real laugh from her and you squeeze her hand. “Listen to me. Geno didn’t recruit you because of your strength or your speed or whatever else. Geno recruited you because he knew you had the heart of a Husky and because he knew you had what it takes. And – I know it’s hard, but sometimes you’re going to lose. What’s important is picking yourself up afterward and doing it all over again. Win or lose, you’re always gonna have me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, you know that?”

“I do,” she murmurs. “And I’d do the same for you.” Her words sound more like a grave realization more than a reassurance, but you don’t catch it. You don’t notice the solemn look on her face, the way she looks like she’s coming to terms with something difficult. You don’t notice the determination that reads something like I’m going to win another state championship this year and prove everyone wrong.

“Come home?” you plead. Paige nods slowly, collecting her gear almost robotically, but she presses a kiss to your lips and all you feel an overwhelming amount of relief. Everything will be okay, you tell yourself. This was just a small bump in the road.

Wishful thinking.

Paige’s state championship gets cancelled due to a global pandemic.

She’d been in such high spirits, excited at the prospect of competing, of taking home the trophy one more time before she went off for college. In March, everything shut down. You were out of school for what you believed to be an extended spring break, but the rest of the year was cancelled entirely. The state championship game was quick to follow. You weren’t expecting Paige to take the news as bad as she did.

Your texts go unanswered, again. You know she’s stuck in her house, which was always a recipe for disaster for her. Paige gets too restless, too impatient, always itching to be moving. You let a day go by of radio silence. Two days. By the third, you’re beginning to lose your mind. You simply weren’t built for online education and your little brother makes focusing impossible. On the fourth day, you send another message to Paige, which ultimately gets left on read.

You show up to her house, tired of being iced out like this, of being treated like you’re something disposable when Paige is upset. Bob lets you in, grinning, and you wave at Drew as you walk upstairs, your footsteps echoing like your heartbeat in your ribcage. You knock on Paige’s door, not getting a response, but you walk in anyways.

Her room is a mess. Clothes are strewn about, one of her comforters lying on the ground. You nearly trip over a loose basketball but your eyes lock on her – lying in bed with an almost catatonic expression on her face. Maybe the aftermath is your fault. It doesn’t take a genius to know that Paige wasn’t in the best headspace. While you were her girlfriend, showing up to her room invited while she’s spiraling would make her meltdown make sense. The ensuing argument is a blur.

Paige is frantic, her hands gesturing wildly as she chokes back sobs, exclaiming confessions of “I’m nothing without that championship,” or “I can’t handle this anymore.” It’s the first time you’ve actually been a little fearful – not of her, but for her. You knew the pressure was getting to her and you just let her deal with it instead of intervening. You were too scared to upset her and now the both of you are paying the price of your insecurity.

You tried to comfort her, but it was like something shifted. She told you to go home. That you were too much right now and that it’s obvious at this point that you’re only going to get hurt if you stay with me. You were willing to ignore her words even if they were like knives to your heart, but what truly destroyed was how she flinched away from your touch like it was burning oil. Go home, she’d said again. I don’t need you here. I can’t keep hurting you like this.

Maybe showing up in the first place was a mistake, but so was leaving her. You walked back to your house with tears in your eyes, wondering how you fucked up so bad.

The next day, Paige shows up at your doorstep with flowers. You couldn’t ignore the hurt in your heart and you didn’t want to forgive her so easily, but it was hard to stay upset with her. No matter how mad you were, you were still in love with her. She apologized, describing how the championship cancellation and the lockdown and the pressure was making her go insane. She acknowledged those wrongs didn’t make a right and she’d spend the rest of her life making it up to you. You didn’t want to fight, or argue, or hurt anymore, so you wrapped her in your arms as the both of you cried. You had a lengthy conversation full of more apologies, and foolishly, you’d thought the worst of it was over. It wouldn’t come until much later.

Miraculously, you still have graduation that month although everyone has to wear masks and you have to sit five feet apart on the football field. You and Paige graduate with honors, you take photos, and your combined families have a huge dinner at the Bueckers’s household. That evening, right before you say grace, your phone lights up with an email from the UConn admissions team.

You got in.

As your families cheer, your eyes are too full of tears to notice the expression of pure dread on Paige's face as you throw your arms around her neck. It feels like everything is finally going your way. You and Paige would be going to college together. It would be easier – it has to be. You didn’t really care about what anyone had to say about the two of you. You had Paige and that was enough for you.

You go to bed that night blissfully and ignorantly happy. Two weeks pass and that’s finally when the worst happens.

You feel your phone’s vibration before you hear its ringtone.

Groggily, you open your eyes, hands blindly fumbling through your sheets and under your pillow as you try to locate your device. At first, you think it’s your alarm waking you up for class, but remembering the fact that you’ve just graduated two weeks ago hits you like a sack of bricks. There will be no more morning alarms, not until you’re in Storrs, Connecticut and starting the fall semester. You also realize it’s far too dark outside to be morning, so the ringing of your phone can only mean one thing.

“Hello?” you answer without looking at the caller ID, knowing that it was Paige on the other end. You couldn’t think of anyone who would call you at 1:55 in the morning. The fact that Paige is calling you at 1:55 in the morning, however, is a cause for concern. She had an early flight around 8am – summer practices and conditioning were already starting up for the Huskies, as well as other freshman athlete orientations.

“Hey,” Paige says. Her voice is quiet on the other end of the line, tight and weak like she’s fighting to stay composed. Immediately, your heartbeat picks up, fearing for the worst. “I’m at your front door. Can I – can you come down please? I need to talk to you.”

“I’m on my way,” you respond, already throwing your blanket off of your legs and leaving your room. “Are you okay?”

Paige is oddly silent for a few beats. Your socked feet thump lightly against the stairs as you make your way down, your pulse racing like you’d just ran a marathon. Her name falls from your lips in a murmur and she heaves a shuddering sigh from the other end of the phone. “Please,” she begs, “just come outside.”

“Okay,” you promise, and the line goes dead as you unlock your front door, opening it to reveal Paige standing on your front porch. She’s wearing a pair of sweatpants and crocs like she’d made the last minute decision to show up to your house. Her shirt is rumpled, the UConn logo emblazoned on it – one she’d gotten from her official visit however long ago. Her hair is disheveled, too, pulled up into a loose ponytail with loose strands at the front. And her face. You’ve never seen Paige look so miserable before, but what truly shocks you is the guilt clouding her eyes, the frown on her lips. “Hey.” Your voice is quiet, opening the door wide enough for her to come in. Paige merely shakes her head, her hand finding your wrist as she guides you onto the front porch. The door clicks shut behind the two of you. “What’s going on?”

Under the porchlight, her features come into focus. Her expression is downcast, eyes red as if she’d been crying, shoulders high and tense with some monumental weight bearing down on them. You know she has a lot going on – the two of you have talked about as much. She was the number one high school recruit and she’s been committed to one of, if not the best college for women’s basketball. There’s a lot of pressure on her to live up to those expectations, to be the best in the game. You also know Paige hasn’t been the same since the beginning of the year, but she’d assured you that it was just exhaustion and the need to lock in. When you come face to face with her, you’re wracked with a near insurmountable quantity of guilt – why hadn’t you tried harder to get her to open up?

“I’m sorry,” is what Paige says. Your heart slams against your ribcage as your mind conjures up thousands of reasons why Paige could be apologizing to you at two in the fucking morning. “I know this timing is super fucked up and this is such a shitty thing to do to but I can’t get on that plane later and not –” Paige’s words trail off, the sound getting stuck in her throat.

You blink, feeling the unmistakable burn of tears in your eyes, the tightness in your chest. Part of you knows exactly where this is going, but the other part of you refuses to consider it. “Not what, Paige?”

Her hands fidget nervously with the hem of her shirt. She throws her head back, suddenly finding the roof of your porch very interesting as she takes a deep breath. “I don’t –” her voice cracks before finally, she meets your eyes, guilt and dread and something that looks strangely like atonement filling her irises. “I don’t think we’re gonna work out,” she says. Your heart all but drops out of your ass and onto the ground, but she keeps rambling in that Paige-esque way that you’ve spent months falling in love with. “We’re not gonna work out in college. I have basketball, and you – you have so many great things ahead of you. You have dreams and aspirations and I can’t…I can’t let you lose sight of those if you stay with me. I love you, so much, but we’re just gonna keep hurting each other if we keep trying to mend something that’s just gonna keep on breaking.”

You can hear your heartbeat in your ears. Something ugly twists in your gut, something that feels like a painful mix of despair, desperation, and a deep-rooted anger you’d never realized you’d been harboring. You weren’t an angry person. Sensitive, sure. You were understanding and kind. Never angry. “Why do you get to decide that?” you manage, your voice rough with emotion. Your voice rises in pitch as you continue. “Why do you get to decide that we can’t be fixed? What–”

“We’ve been tryin’ to fix this for months,” Paige points out hoarsely, her throat bobbing as she swallows.

“Because you’re not trying!” you exclaim, arms flying out. Paige flinches, but you don’t stop. “You just – you keep pulling away from me and I don’t know why but I can’t do this on my own, Paige. And when I ask you always say you’re just tired or you’re just busy but I know you. I know you and I know that you weren’t giving us your all and I still trusted you because fuck, I just wanted you! I would never make you choose between me or basketball but I’d like to at least be considered once in a while.”

“It’s not like that,” Paige argues. “I’ve done nothing but consider you–”

“Bullshit.”

Her face falls. “See?” she murmurs, laughing a little despite the hurt in her expression. “We’d never work out in college. We can’t even do this right.”

You seethe. “Because you’re trying to break up with me when we can fix this.”

“I’m trying to break up with you because I can’t fucking protect you!” Paige cries. Her words hit you like a truck and you clamp your mouth shut as she wipes her eyes. “Is that what you wanted to hear? I can’t protect you when we’re both at UConn. Do you even know what they’re saying online? They’re saying I can’t hoop because I’m too busy playing house with my girlfriend. They’re saying that her girlfriend is trying to leech off of her success, that you’re ruining my life, that my girlfriend needs to leave me alone. Everyday I’ve worked harder to get stronger, faster, better, just so there wouldn’t be anything about me they could use to hurt you but they always find something to say. I can’t protect you from that when you’re with me. I can’t let them ruin your life because you love me. You have so much ahead of you and they’ll tear you down. I can’t bear that.”

“I don’t need you to protect me,” you say, but even you know that’s a lie. You take in the look on Paige’s face, the commiseration, the resolution. Your anger melts away into sheer desperation when you begin to fully realize the gravity of your situation. It feels like your entire life is slipping from your fingertips and you’re running out of time to do something about it. “Paige…” You hate the way she flinches at her name.

“Please,” she begs again. “Don’t make this any harder than it has to be. Just let me do this for us and we can both try to be happy.”

You don’t mention how there won’t be an us if you let her walk away now, but you do step forward, your fingers curling into the fabric of her shirt as you plead, “Don’t do this to us.” A tear slips down your cheek and Paige shudders as she wipes it away with the pad of her thumb, an inexplicable amount of guilt in her eyes. “We can fix this, okay? I swear. I promise you won’t even know I’m there. I won’t say anything and I’ll watch your games online – whatever it takes, I’ll do it, Paige; just don’t fucking do this to us.”

She murmurs your name, her face falling as she brushes your hair out of your face, but you’re shaking your head, pressing on. “Just give us some time. Please. We can work this out. I don’t want anything but you. And…and – last year, you said nothing else mattered, right? What everyone else thought, what the media thought. We can be private again, whatever you want, I’ll do it.”

“I can’t ask that of you,” she whispers, voice broken. “You don’t deserve to be hidden away. I can’t do that to you. It’ll kill us before we even got a chance otherwise.”

Your lip wobbles as you say, “You’re killing us now, Paige.”

She nods, a tear of her own falling, and she wipes it away before you can even raise your hand. “I know. But at least it’s on our terms and not theirs.” You shake your head, fingers tightening in her shirt, and Paige crumbles. She wraps her arms around your shoulders, pulling her into your chest as your body heaves with sobs, your tears soaking her shirt. You can hear the tremble in her voice as she fights for her composure. “I’m sorry. Being with me will just hurt you more. I can’t put you through that,” she chokes out. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like you were the only one trying. I thought it would change things but it didn’t. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t save us.”

The irony makes you ache – Paige killing you just to save you. Deep down, you know she’s right. Your social media have been private for months now, but there’s nothing you wouldn’t do just so you could keep Paige. But right now? All you’re truly able to process is the heartbreak, the way the criss-crossing bandages fall off, the way the stitches and the sutures come undone, revealing a festering, open wound that after all this time, you’ve never been able to repair. No matter what, it always comes back to this – your heart on the ground, stomped out and bleeding and ruined. You just never thought Paige would be the one to crush it under her heel.

You’re tender-hearted. You always have been.  That’s why your friends told you to stay far, far away from Paige. You tried, you honestly did – but Paige is magnetic, and she loves you, and you were just a little too weak to say no. Now you’re faced with the ugly realization that maybe you should have listened, that when they told you ‘She’s leaving Minnesota and she’s not going to look back’, they were right. Despite it all, you’re naive enough to say that you’d go through with it all over again. You love Paige. You would give up a lot of things in the world if only you could keep her, but her decision is made and it’s time for you to make yours.

That’s why you forgive her. You sniffle, trying your best to compose yourself as her hand rubs soothing, apologetic circles on your back. “It’s okay,” you manage, your voice impossibly soft and broken down.

“It’s not,” Paige murmurs, her voice cracking.

“It will have to be.” You feel her nod at that, her arms tightening a little, like she’s trying to savor this last moment with you before it’s gone forever. You do, too, pressing your head against her chest, listening to the rhythmic thump of her heart that you’ve spent hours memorizing the cadence of. You’ve spent so many months of your life learning everything there was to know about Paige Bueckers – her favorite color, her dreams, the parts of her that she keeps hidden. You wish you didn’t know what she looked like when she was walking away but you should have known that you and her were doomed by time from the very beginning.

You don’t want to let her go. Eventually, you have to, and looking at her face makes you want to cry and beg all over again. Her hands find your cheeks as she kisses you one last time. You can taste the salt on her lips, hear her shuddering breath, feel her forehead as it presses against yours gently. You know this kiss is more of a goodbye than it is a gesture of affection. That’s enough to make the ache in your chest return tenfold.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers again. It doesn’t do anything to fix what’s broken. “I’m so sorry. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” you promise. You hate those words because you know they’re true – Paige has just broken your heart on your front doorstep and despite it all, you still love her and you always will.

She releases you, her hands trailing down your arms, trying to commit you to memory. Then, her hands leave your skin entirely and she takes a step back. “Guess this is goodbye.”

You bury your hands in your pockets, knowing that if you don’t do something with them, you’ll try fighting for her again. “Guess it is.”

She stares at you for a long while before nodding, her final goodbye a soft murmur under her breath. You watch her go as she walks down the sidewalk, her figure illuminated by the streetlights. It feels strangely like reaching for a light, something you’ll never be able to physically grasp. It’s like watching your entire future crumble in the blink of an eye, like reminding yourself that some dreams are too costly and that sometimes, desire is impossible. Right person, wrong time.

Your lip trembles as you walk back inside, locking the door behind you. When you turn to head back upstairs and go back to bed, hoping that this is all some kind of fucked up fever dream, you find your mother waiting for you, worry etched on her face. That’s when you crumble again, sagging into her confused arms and sobbing.

“She’s gone,” you manage to get out in between heaving sobs. Your mom understands instantly, hushing you and smoothing out your hair, rocking you back and forth as you cry. You’ve hurt a lot, but never like this. You want this terrible feeling to go away but you know this is a loss that’s going to stick with you for a while.

Later that night, when you’re sure you’ve cried all you could, you lie in bed bundled in Paige’s hoodie despite the heat. On the UConn application portal, you only hesitate a little bit before you click on the Cancel Enrollment button. Then, you navigate over to the University of Minnesota application portal, hesitating a lot longer before clicking on the Confirm Enrollment button. You power your phone off entirely, unwilling to spend the night staring at the picture of you and Paige on your home screen. All you feel is a devastating emptiness and this time, you’re fully on your own now and there’s no one else to help you pick up the pieces.

FRESHMAN & SOPHOMORE YEAR – 2020-2022

To no one’s surprise, you absolutely hate the University of Minnesota. There were a lot of reasons why it wasn’t your first choice. The program it offered for your degree wasn’t the greatest. You hated the dorms. You hated campus life, too. UConn had a lot of things that UMN didn’t. A better sports scene, better programs, your ex-girlfriend who you’re still hung up on, everything. You knew you’d be just as miserable at UConn if you’d gone there, too. Paige was everywhere. The freshman phenom who could truly do it all. The work she’d put into becoming better had paid off and it led to her having an electrifying first season.

Even though your heart ached, you couldn’t help but be proud of her. She was doing everything she said she was gonna do. She’s breaking records and making a name for herself – you’d just wished you could be there for it.

It’s almost pathetic how you’re unable to get over her. You stay off of social media but the knowledge that she’s just one text message away fucks with your brain more than you’d like to admit. It reminds you all too much of Gatsby and Daisy and that stupid project the two of you partnered for in AP Lit, only you’re some weird inverted version of them. Paige is the one with the riches, the grandeur, the mansion, yet she’s the one with the green light on the dock. You spend hours gazing out and hoping that she’s looking back at you, too. You’re the one who wishes you could go back into the past where you were still together, even though Gatsby’s story taught you that you’re only yearning for something that doesn’t exist anymore. You’re Gatsby, unable to move on, unable to fully come to terms with the fact that your dream wasn’t truly attainable, that you desired for too much and you couldn’t reach it.

There’s a scary thought in the back of your head that sounds like you just weren’t worth it. Gatsby’s story also taught you that Daisy’s feelings for Gatsby weren’t worth losing her social status, her life of comfort. Were you not worth it? You would have gone to hell and stayed if only to keep Paige, but perhaps that’s just something you need to work on.

So, you do. You find yourself a therapist in Minneapolis. You’ve been unhappy for a while now, but it’s also become increasingly obvious that you need to work on setting boundaries and unlearning emotional attachments that have done nothing but hurt you. You fall in love (romantically or platonically) far too quick, too easily, and you’re too forgiving. You were told from the start that you should be taking care of your heart and you suppose it’s better late than never.

Your therapist is an older lady who has seen some shit and been through some shit. She’s blunt and honest and exactly what you need. She tells you that you can protect yourself and still give to the world, to others. She also tells you that if you’re so unhappy at UMN that you should probably transfer. You put that piece of advice on the backburner because you’ve barely been here for a semester. Maybe you’ll have more fun and make new friends come spring. Maybe everything will turn around if you give yourself the chance to grow and be happy without constantly looking over your shoulder, hoping to see familiar blue eyes and that teasing smile you’ve all but memorized.

(Spoiler: you don’t.)

The spring semester of your freshman year rolls around and you’re honestly burned out. Your first semester was rough and you had a straight C average, which was quite the culture shock after being a straight A student throughout highschool. You try to show up to all of your classes, but registering for an 8am was honestly the worst decision of your life. You miss a few, your grades remain horribly consistent (more C’s!), and you can’t hold onto anymore friends, not for lack of trying. Your clubs fall through and nothing feels right about UMN. Sure, you’re close to home and you visit your parents twice a month, but UMN isn’t home at all. You know that there’s a piece of you in Connecticut somewhere.

Therapy is helping a lot, though. Fixing yourself emotionally is really taxing, but you’re making progress, and that’s good enough for now. Although it takes a couple of weeks, you manage to make a friend in one of your classes and you study together often. Her name is Krista. She’s a pre-med biology major and quite possibly the smartest person you’ve met in your semester and a half at UMN. She introduces you to some of her friends, too – an assortment of med-school hopefuls and the lone English major. Slowly but surely, UMN doesn’t feel as lonely and your grades start improving.

Eventually, the heartbreak starts to ache a little less. Seeing Paige’s picture plastered everywhere doesn’t hurt as much. You tune in for some of the UConn games during March Madness to cheer her on. It will probably take you a long time to be fully over Paige, but you’re at least mostly over the hurt. You reach out to a couple of your mutual friends just to see how she’s doing. Maybe you’ll regret that decision one day. Maybe not. Hearing that she’s doing okay settles your heart some. That turns into weekly check-ins. It’s something.

You and Paige were friends for a long time before you made it official. You’re not mourning the loss of a relationship, but you’re mourning your best friend, too. Nobody ever told you how devastating it was to go from sharing everything with someone to watching their life in pictures. Part of you wonders if she’s doing the same as you, if she even thinks about you like that, if she thinks about you at all or if she regrets the decision she’d made.

Your first year at UMN is nothing special. There’s a nagging voice in the back of your head that urges you to transfer. If you’re not fully happy after a year, then you’re not going to be happy this year. You think about the friends you’ve made – Krista and the others. Something about them just isn’t right. You may never have the vocabulary to explain it, but no matter how nice and welcoming they are, you still feel like an outsider looking in. Things aren’t all that bad, you tell yourself. Your grades are better and honestly, maybe this is just life. You aren’t always going to have a bunch of best friends. So, you decide to stay at UMN.

(How many bad decisions can one person possibly make before you start getting concerned?)

Sophomore year isn’t any better. It doesn’t suck, but you’re still unhappy. You’re surviving, not living. You start going home every weekend rather than the twice a month schedule you’d originally planned on. Being back in Hopkins reminds you of simpler times. It reminds you of late night Dairy Queen runs, of chatting in an empty parking lot, of that time Paige accidentally honked the horn in her stepmom’s SUV when she tried to pull you onto her lap. Hopkins reminds you of your junior prom, where you and Paige slow danced to Taylor Swift outside the gym, where you told her that you loved her for the first time and she told you that she did, too. Hopkins reminds you of happiness.

In December that year, your mutual friend — Amaya Battle — informs you that Paige fractured her tibial plateau and tore her lateral meniscus. None of that sounded good, but you felt like shit once Krista explained what that all meant. That injury would bench Paige for a couple of months. Despite the time, you still knew Paige well enough to know that she’s not happy about that. You open a long abandoned text thread with her, your last message reading happy birthday! and hers reading Thank you, and begin to draft out a new message. Saying that you’re sorry doesn’t feel like enough, but anything else feels like too much. You settle on simply expressing your condolences and you let her know that you’re praying for her. You’re not surprised when you don’t receive anything more than another “Thank you” in return.

Spring semester is long and uneventful. You still tune in for some of Paige’s games, but once finals are said and done and you’re not feeling any differently, you know that it’s time to move on. You apply as a transfer student for UConn.

JUNIOR YEAR – 2022-2023

You get accepted into UConn. Reading the Welcome to UConn Nation email feels as good as it did the first time you opened it surrounded by your family. It feels like coming home all over again. The break in between semesters feels painfully short and far too long at the same time, but before you know it, you’re moving into your dorm on campus, laughing along with your new roommate Livya like you’ve been friends forever. She helps you get settled in. Then she shows you around campus, pointing out all of the best study spots and the best dining halls. You meet up with a couple of her friends for lunch and it’s like everything just clicks. You know in your heart that this is where you’re supposed to be.

The news, however, comes to you in the form of an ESPN headline rather than a text from your mutual friend. Paige had torn her ACL nearly a week ago playing a game of pick up. Your heart was caught in your throat. You couldn’t help but feel terrible for Paige. This was supposed to be her healthy season back after her previous injury in December, but here she is on the bench again, healing from an injury she didn’t deserve to get. You feel the strangest sense of deja vu when you message Paige again, extending your condolences, but what you’re not expecting is the phone call from her that comes a few seconds later.

It rings once and all you can do is stare at it, jaw on the ground. On the second ring, your thumb hovers over the answer button. And on the third ring, you commit to it, bringing your phone to your ear. Your heart nearly beats out of your chest as you greet Paige. “Hey.”

Her voice is soft when she responds. “Hey.” It’s a little rough around the edges, mature, but there’s a lingering tenseness to it like she’s trying to keep herself together.

“Wasn’t expecting you to call,” you admit.

“Me neither,” she agrees.

You sit in silence for a few moments before you shift, clearing your throat. There’s so many things you want to say to her, but you know this moment is too fragile, too new. You know you’re not talking to the same girl you once knew. She’s changed. She’s older and she’s wiser and she knows what she wants now. You don’t know how to say what you want to say, although it’s evident that Paige is a little lost, too. “How, um…how are you?” you say finally.

The noise she makes on the other line sounds a little amused. “Well,” she murmurs. “At least it’s not both knees, right?”

You can’t help the choked laugh that draws from you. “God,” you say. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed at that.”

“Nah, s’okay,” she promises. You can hear the slight smile in her voice. “I missed that.”

Your heart thumps against your ribcage. “Missed what?” you ask, but you know what she means.

“Your laugh,” she confirms. “Still the same as it once was.”

You hum. “We’re not the same,” you say softly. “We’ve grown up.”

“Have we?” she asks. You swallow. “We’re older. Learned a lot. Doesn’t mean we’ve changed. Just evolved.”

“Is that not the same thing?”

“Pikachu evolves into Raichu but he’s still Pikachu, isn’t he?”

Despite yourself, you grin. “And you’re still an idiot.”

That makes her laugh. “C’mon,” she drawls. “I got a bum knee and you’re making fun of me?”

“Some things never change.”

“They don’t,” Paige agrees. “Heard you transferred to UConn?”

“I did. UMN wasn’t right for me. It didn’t feel like home.”

“It does here?”

You don’t hesitate when you respond. “Yeah. It does.”

The line falls silent again. You can hear the sound of Paige breathing on the other end. “I’m glad you’re here,” she says finally. Your grin melts into something a little more tender. “Do you wanna come to my dorm? We can catch up.”

“Is that a good idea?”

“Probably not,” she concedes. “But I’m injured and I just spent two years missin’ you and I wanna see you.”

You should feel embarrassed at how little it takes to convince you. Before you realize the words coming out of your mouth, you’re saying, “Send me the address.” She does. Paige’s dorm isn’t too far away from yours. “I’ll be there in ten.”

When you do arrive, the girl who answers the door is not Paige. It’s Azzi Fudd. She knows you by name, offering you a gentle smile and pointing you down the hall to where Paige’s room is. You thank her, your heart caught in your throat, and you make your way through the apartment. You knock and you enter.

Paige glances up immediately as you walk in, her face softening immediately. She’s sprawled out across her bed, her knee secured in a heavy brace and propped up in a pillow. She’s wearing a loose pair of shorts and a long-sleeved UConn shirt. The first thing you notice is how different she is. Her time on the court and in the gym has treated her well. Her shoulders fill out her sweatshirt, muscles taut against the fabric. She’s bulked up and she scraped her old ponytail for a slick back bun, although the ‘slick back’ part is messy, strands flying haphazardly. Her eyes are disarmingly blue, not like that’s changed from the last time you saw her, and her smile is just as you remember. It’s enough to soften you instantly.

“Hey,” she says as you close the door behind you.

“Hi, P,” you murmur. Her face shifts, taking you in, and you know she’s cataloging everything that’s different about you, too. You wear your hair in a new style and the way you carry yourself is unlike the way you carried yourself in high school. It’s not confidence, it’s surety, more you. Behind the curiosity, you can see the lingering guilt, the realization that she broke your heart two years ago yet you still dropped everything to come and see her because she’s injured. You glance around the room, breaking your eye contact, scanning the basketball posters, album covers, and pictures of her and her teammates strewn about. Her comforter is purple, which makes you smile. Some things truly never change. “Nice room.” As soon as the words leave your mouth, you fight a wince because of how awkward it sounds.

“Clean, right?” she jokes, drawing a short laugh from you – you’d always teased her for being messy, often having to motivate her to pick up her room. Her dorm is clean, but obviously lived-in as evidenced by the jacket slung over the arm of a gaming chair and a water bottle or two on the nightstand and the desk. “Nice hoodie.”

It’s only then that you glance down and your face flushes when you realize what you’re wearing. HOPKINS is emblazoned on the front, the number 1 below it. You don’t need to turn it around to know you have BUECKERS stitched on the back. Your eyes find her face again, noting that she’s not upset about it. She’s a little amused, if anything, although there’s something softer in her expression. You shrug a little. “Wasn’t brave enough to get rid of it.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Her voice is a soft murmur. You meet her eyes, sharing a soft smile. Then, she clears her throat, shifting, and she nods to the spot next to her. “Come talk?” she requests.

You open your mouth, ready to decline. You know that if you fell into these patterns with Paige again, then you’d truly never get over her. Part of you wonders if you want to get over her in the first place, but you know you can’t put yourself through this again if she’s not in it for the long haul. “I don’t think–”

“Please?” she asks softly, her voice catching in her throat. “I just…don’t wanna be alone right now.”

You’re moving before she even finishes her sentence. She moves the blankets for you as you kick off your shoes, sliding in next to her like it’s second nature. When you do, you’re enveloped by her, the scent of her cologne, her body wash, that same brand of shampoo she’s been using since she was seventeen. You can feel the warmth of her body so close to yours and your breath hitches. You can hear the stutter in her breathing, too, and for a moment, you wonder if she’s missed you in the way you’ve missed her. Her fingers twitch like she’s fighting the urge to hold you, like she’s reminding herself she doesn’t really have that right anymore.

“So…” she starts. “Why’d you transfer? Really?”

You sigh. “I couldn’t really find my place at UMN. I struggled in my classes for a while and I had so much trouble making friends. I found a group, but it always felt like I was a plus one. My psychologist and my parents told me to transfer. Even Drew told me to transfer.”

She cracks a small, surprised smile. “You talk to Drew?”

“Our parents still talk, you know,” you say, nudging her, listening to her laughter. “Plus, Drew and my brother are like best friends.” You pause for a moment, twisting the ring on your finger, and hesitantly, you admit, “Drew told me I should transfer to UConn specifically. For you.”

“For me?” Her voice is pitched, her expression unreadable, and you nod.

“Yeah. He said we were happier before the break up.”

Paige chuckles, rolling her eyes. “He’s such a little shit.”

“I wonder where he gets it from?” At that, Paige half-heartedly shoves you, but there’s no force or malice behind it as you laugh. “But I didn’t transfer for you.”

“Of course not.” Her expression betrays her feigned nonchalance, like she thinks you’re full of shit.

“I didn’t!”

“Okay,” she says insufferably and you shake your head. “I, uh…I’m sorry for how I ended things.”

Your smile drops instantly, features softening. “Paige,” you murmur, but she ignores your words entirely. 

“I’ve thought about it for two years,” she admits, “and every day I wish I could go back in time and undo it. I thought I was protecting you but all I did was hurt us both. In the end, it didn’t even change shit. That’s the fucked up part.” She scoffs a little. “And here we are. I broke your heart yet you text me on my birthday, reach out when I injure myself, drop everything to come see me ‘cause my knee’s fucked? Why?”

You swallow thickly, not really needing to think about your response. “It’s you,” you whisper. You hear her breath catch, see the tears welling up in her eyes again. It’s always gonna be you, is the part that goes unsaid, but you wonder if Paige understands it all the same. “I would watch your games sometimes,” you confess. Paige makes a noise that sounds like it’s in between a sigh and a whimper, like hearing you speak is hurting her. You continue anyways, needing to get it off of your chest. “I’d watch your games and I’d cheer you on and wonder what it would be like if you didn’t change your mind, if I was sitting courtside like we’d always talked about. I’d probably be wearing this fucking hoodie or maybe you’d give me some of your UConn gear. Every week, I would talk to Amaya Battle just to ask how you were, and –” Paige interrupts you with a soft whisper of your name, but you shake your head, feeling the long restrained tears drop. “I missed you and all I wanted was you. You were so close yet so far – impossible and out of reach.”

“Not impossible,” she says firmly, her voice rough with tears. Instantly, you’re transported back nearly four years ago when she’d uttered words not too dissimilar. I don’t think it’s out of reach. Not for you. Not for us. “Never impossible. Not you, not me, not us.”

A tear slips down your cheek and she wipes it away. The brush of her finger against your skin, no matter how small, is pure electricity in your veins and you’re breathless for an entirely different reason now. “Aren’t we?” you ask, your eyes on hers. They’re alarmingly blue, brightened by the pool of tears that’s found home in them. You can’t help the way your feelings come rushing back. You were always going to be in love with Paige Bueckers. That’s not a feeling that goes away overnight or even two years after breaking up with her. She’s ruined you for anyone else and you can’t even be mad about it. “We’re different. You’re different.”

“Not different,” she argues, desperation lacing her tone as she squeezes your hands in between her own. “Evolved. I’m still me.”

“That’s the scary part,” you say. It’s scary because you know you’ll never be able to say no to her. You love her too much for that, and deep down, you also there’s nothing more right than you and her.

“It doesn’t have to be.” Her thumb finds your cheek again, clearing the wetness, and your lip trembles when you look at her.  Paige’s expression is unguarded, a clear promise reflected in her eyes. If this all went to shit, you wouldn’t have the energy or the resources to pick your heart up again, but what are you if not brave despite the ache? What if it’s different this time, if you and Paige have grown, not changed, and you’re better for each other? You know better now than to make those same mistakes. You know Paige well enough to know she means what she says. So maybe you’re a fool, or you’re naive, or too trusting for your own good, but you can’t help but believe Paige. “A lot of people have hurt you. I was one of them,” she continues, uncomfortably vulnerable as she swallows. “I will never forgive myself for that but somehow, you did. Whatever it takes, I’ll prove to you that you didn’t make the wrong choice like I did. Give me time and the chance and I’ll show you. I swear.”

Your heart knows your decision long before your brain has made it. That’s just how you work. You nod at her, watching utter relief and gratitude seep through her features, and honestly, when you look back at it, you’re not completely sure who leans in first. But what you do know is that you’re tangling your fingers in her sweatshirt, pulling her impossibly close as you initiate the kiss, something intense and deep and desperate and everything you’ve been wishing for over the past two years. You know it’s a bad idea, doing this out of order, yet you can’t bring yourself to care because Paige shudders against your lips, her hands finding your hips and dragging you impossibly closer. You’re cautious of her knee, trying to minimize the amount of space between your bodies, and you loop your arms around her neck when you pull away to trail your lips down her jaw, the column of her throat. She tilts her head back, granting you more space, and you don’t sober up until you feel one of her tears fall against your cheek.

You pull away from her immediately, feeling as though you’d been submerged in an ice bath. Paige must not register that she’s crying because she chases after you with a noise of dissatisfaction, her hands pressing into your sides. You push her away gently, smiling despite yourself, brushing her tears away with your knuckle. “Maybe we should, um… not make out when we’re crying and emotional?” you suggest.

Paige clears her throat, leaning away from you with great difficulty. “Yeah,” she agrees quickly. “Probably for the best.” You can’t help the huff of laughter that escapes from your mouth. Paige’s lips quirk up, a flicker of hope in her eyes. “We’re okay?” she asks, a little hesitant.

“We will be,” you assure her, not missing the way her face lights up. “But we should probably…”

“Slow down?” Paige finishes.

You nod. “Yeah. Be friends first. We have a lot to catch up on.”

“I can work with that,” she murmurs, her words a direct echo of the first promise she’d ever made to you.

You smile, your heart feeling lighter than it has in years. You breathe a little easier knowing that you’re still you and Paige is still Paige – you’re not the same, but you’re something a little better, more improved, and you have the knowledge to take better care of each other’s hearts this time around. You and Paige have grown up and matured. You lost your way for a while but as you lay in bed next to her like no time has passed at all, you know somewhere deep inside of your body that this is where you’re truly meant to be.

(You and Paige do commit to slow. You know each other like the back of your hands and the love is still there, but you’re determined to do this right this time. So, you keep things friendly, strengthening the connection between the two of you – she introduces you to her teammates, helps you study while she’s out for the season. In turn, you help her with her rehab and you motivate her on the days that feel more bleak.

When the both of you go back home for Thanksgiving break, both of your families are ecstatic to see that you’re “back together” and you don’t think anyone believes the two of you when you say you’re just taking it slow for now. Your little brothers tease you, your dads share knowing glances, and your mothers smile like they know exactly where this is going.

However, when the two of you return to Minnesota for winter break, Paige takes you to the park that the two of you used to spend your time at, leading you to the swings. You talk about anything and everything and nothing, content to just enjoy the moment, but when Paige asks you to be her girlfriend officially – again, but second time’s the charm, right? – you truly have no choice but to say no, kissing her gently as the Minnesotan snow falls around the two of you.

You’re home now.)

[rositaslabyrinth]

He’s your bf headcanons - Dean W

Dean Winchester x gn!reader

There aren’t any content warnings so everyone can enjoy <3

Headcanons and scenarios based on Dean being your boyfriend

Word count ; 997

── .✦ Protective to a Fault

⟢ Dean is intensely protective, and yeah, a lot of that comes from the life he leads. If you’re a hunter, he insists on watching your back, always putting himself between you and danger. If you’re not, then good luck ever getting him to let you out of his sight when things get even remotely suspicious.

⟢ But it’s not just about monsters and demons—it’s in the little things, too. The way he walks on the outside of the sidewalk, the way his hand finds the small of your back in a crowded bar, the way he instinctively reaches for you in his sleep, even when he’s dead tired. He won’t always say he’s worried about you, but it’s in the way he brings you an extra layer when it’s cold, in the way he subtly checks you over after a hunt, his fingers ghosting over your skin like he’s making sure you’re still in one piece.

⟢ “You get hurt, and I swear—” he grumbles, shaking his head. But the way his fingers tighten around yours tells you the rest of what he won’t say out loud.

── .✦ Physical Affection Is His Love language

⟢ Dean pretends he’s the tough guy, all gruff and distant, but in reality? He’s touchy. And he doesn’t even realize it most of the time. He pulls you into his side when you’re standing next to him, rests his hand on your knee when he’s driving, absently plays with your fingers when you’re sitting together in the bunker. When he kisses you, he does it like he means it—deep, slow, like he’s memorizing the way you taste.

⟢ And after a long day? He won’t say he needs to hold you, but you’ll feel it in the way he tugs you into his arms, letting out a long breath as his chin rests against the top of your head. It’s how he grounds himself—reminding himself you’re here, safe, his.

── .✦ He Loves to Make You Laugh

⟢ Dean thrives on making you laugh. He’ll do the dumbest impressions, tell the worst dad jokes, even break out ridiculous dance moves just to see you crack a smile. If you’re upset, he’s all sarcastic quips and exaggerated antics, nudging you until you roll your eyes and finally let out a little laugh. And when you do? He grins like he just won the lottery.

⟢ “See? That’s the face I like. Much better, sweetheart.”

── .✦ Cooking for You Is One of His Biggest Love Languages

⟢ Dean Winchester might not be the most eloquent guy when it comes to feelings, but he sure as hell knows how to put love into a plate of food. He loves cooking for you—whether it’s a greasy diner-style breakfast with extra bacon or a late-night burger when you’re too exhausted to eat anything else. And if you compliment his cooking? Oh, he preens.

⟢ “Damn right, baby, best cook you’ve ever had.”

⟢ That being said, expect him to be extremely opinionated about what qualifies as “real food.” If you bring home something remotely healthy, he just squints at it like it personally insulted him.

⟢ “What even is that? Kale? That’s rabbit food, sweetheart. You’re killin’ me.”

── .✦ His Jealousy Is Subtle, but It’s There

⟢ Dean’s the type of guy who trusts you—he’s not about to smother you or get insecure over nothing. But if someone’s too friendly with you? Oh, you’ll see the shift. His jaw sets, his arm finds its way around your waist, and his voice drops just a little lower. He won’t cause a scene, but the way he stares at the guy who won’t stop flirting with you? Yeah. It’s a warning.

⟢ And later, when you’re alone? He won’t admit he was jealous, but he’ll tug you onto his lap, kiss you slow and deep, and mutter, “Just makin’ sure you know who you belong to, sweetheart.”

── .✦ He’s a Wreck When It Comes to Losing You

⟢ Dean is terrified of losing the people he loves. He’s been through too much, lost too many, and the idea of something happening to you? It eats at him. He hides it well—makes jokes, pretends he’s got it under control—but when you’re hurt? That’s when the mask slips.

⟢ “Damn it, sweetheart—what were you thinking? You could’ve—” He stops himself, running a hand over his face, exhaling hard. Then he pulls you into his chest, his heartbeat fast and uneven. “Just… don’t scare me like that again, okay?”

── .✦ He Loves Falling Asleep with You

⟢ Dean’s never been the type to be good at sleeping. Too many nightmares, too many nights spent on the road, gun under his pillow, waiting for something to go wrong. But you? You make it easier. When you’re curled up beside him, tucked against his chest, his arm slung over your waist—it’s the closest thing to peace he’s had in years.

⟢ And if he wakes up in the middle of the night, restless? He just reaches for you, his fingers tracing lazy circles on your skin, grounding himself in the steady rise and fall of your breathing.

── .✦ He’s Lowkey the Best Boyfriend Ever, Even If He Won’t Admit It

⟢ Dean Winchester will never call himself a romantic. He’ll roll his eyes if you say it. But the truth is? He is. He just doesn’t realize it. It’s in the way he remembers exactly how you like your coffee. In the way he brings you back little trinkets from cases because they reminded him of you. In the way he sings to you—badly, and usually off-key—when he thinks you’re not paying attention.

⟢ He’s not good at talking about feelings, but he shows them in every little thing he does.

⟢ And when you finally tell him, “You know you’re actually the best boyfriend ever, right?”—he just huffs, shaking his head with a smirk.

⟢ “Damn right I am. Took you long enough to notice, sweetheart.”

First headcanon post!!! Also I’m just going to be tagging all of my mutuals so if you don’t want to be tagged in my posts please please let me know!! I don’t want to be that person LMFAO

Tags : @daylighted @sunsettsam @clairiecidal @deerainy @emeraldcrs @deanangel @s4wdvator @morganwrites12672 @bluemerakis @bohemianblasphemy @velvetdandeli0n @sunsbaby @deanswidow @cherrygirlfriend @angelackless @figthoughts @deansbbyx @vmiina @deanspookiebear @aambearr @deansmisha @star-yawnznn @soldiersgirl

[insidekatmind]

She's mine - Jobe Bellingham

Wearning: +18,smut, english is not my first language

The place was full of people. The music was pumping from the speakers, stroboscopic lights flickered across the floor and people around danced in a single wave of movement. You were there, next to Jobe, with a drink in your hand and a smile on your face. You wore a black short skirt and a tight top, the perfect outfit to feel safe and attractive. You felt the looks on you, but you did not pay too much attention.

Jobe, on the other hand, noticed them all.

He was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest, his dark eyes fixed on you with a look that you knew well. He drank a sip from his glass every now and then, but the look never left you.

"Are you all right, love?" you asked him as you approached, your sweet voice barely covered by the music.

"I’m fine," he replied dry, eyes quickly passing from you to a guy across the room. The boy, with a smile all too sure of himself, was watching you. And Jobe had noticed it.

You didn’t give it any thought, thinking it was one of those usual evenings where the guys got a little too brave with some drinks too much. But then you heard a voice behind your back.

"Hey, baby, what’s your name?"

You turned and found yourself in front of a tall boy, with hair combed backwards and a slimy smile printed on his face. He had a drink in his hand and waved it slightly as if he was trying to impress you.

"I don’t know you," you replied in a firm but polite tone, trying to make him understand that you were not interested.

"We can fix it," he said with a wink. "Come on, dance with me, I promise you won’t regret it."

You shook your head, barely laughing. "No, thank you. I’m here with my boyfriend."

The boy looked behind you, noticing Jobe. "He? He seems too busy playing hard to get on with you. You deserve someone who will make you have fun."

Your eyebrows are raised in surprise. "I suggest you stop."

But you didn’t have to say more.

Within a second, Jobe was there. You didn’t even notice when he came near, but now he was right next to you, his tall and wide body standing between you and the boy. Jobe’s gaze was icy, his jaw stretched and his fists clenched at the sides.

"Repeat what you said," he said in a dangerously calm voice, slightly tilting his head.

The boy raised his hands, stepping back. "Relax, man. I didn’t mean to disrespect."

"Oh yes? 'cause I took it as a lack of respect," said Jobe, stepping forward. " And you know what happens to people who disrespect my girlfriend?"

"Okay, okay, brother, it’s all right," said the boy with a nervous smile, trying to walk away. "I don’t want any trouble."

"Then go," growled Jobe. "Right now."

The boy left, taking one last look at you, but when Jobe took another step forward, he accelerated his step towards the crowd.

"Jobe, calm down," you said by placing a hand on his chest, feeling the accelerated beats of his heart. "You are better than this."

He turned to you, and for a moment you saw in his eyes that mix of anger and jealousy. But it wasn’t just anger: it was concern. His hand has found your side, holding you firmly.

"He was looking at you as if you were his," she said with her heavy breath, her chest rising and falling under your hand.

"I wasn’t," you replied sweetly. "I’m yours, Jobe."

His fingers have gone up your side to the bottom of your back, gently pushing you toward him. " I know," he muttered, but his gaze was still dark, still marked by that jealousy which seemed impossible to extinguish.

"I know," he repeated, but this time with less anger and more sweetness. His eyes went down on your skirt and then again on you. " But with this skirt... you don’t make things easy."

"Ah, so it’s my fault now?" you said with a provocative smile, putting your hands on his shoulders and looking into his eyes.

Jobe shrugged, a hint of a smile trying to make its way on his face. " Not that I’m saying, but... you knew what you were doing when you put it on."

You raised an eyebrow, tilting your head to one side. "And you knew exactly how you would react, didn’t you?"

He looked down upon your lips, and you felt his breath change rhythm. His hand slipped down your back, pressing you against him. " Yes," she whispered against your lips before kissing you with a raw, intense passion, as if she wanted to show you that you were hers and only hers.

The kiss was possessive, but not in a toxic way. It was the kind of kiss that made you feel wanted, protected and loved. His hands anchored to your hips, the grip steady and firm. There was no need for words.

When you got out, his eyes didn’t leave you for a second.

"From now on, if anyone tries to hit on you, tell me right away," he said in a low and serious voice.

"Are you going to be a cop every time we go out?" you joked, laughing softly.

"If it means no one touches you, then yes," he said with conviction.

You shook your head, smiling. "You’re too stubborn."

"Only when it comes to you," he said as he approached again, this time with a softer look. He stroked your face with his thumb, staring at you as if you were the only person in the room.

"You’re mine," he whispered in a low, scratchy voice, his eyes dark as they stare into yours.

"You’re right," you replied softly, grasping the collar of his sweater to draw it back to you. "I am yours, Jobe. Only yours."

His eyes softened, and the smile he gave you this time was sincere, without anger or jealousy. " And I am yours," he said, kissing you again, this time with all the sweetness he could offer.

The rest of the evening, Jobe didn’t leave you alone for a second. His hands were always upon thee: on the side, on the back, entwined with thy fingers. Not because he didn’t trust you, but because he wanted to remind you that no matter what happened, he would be there. Always.

---

The evening continued, but the energy between you and Jobe had changed. The music was still booming, the club was always crowded and the stroboscopic lights colored the faces of people around. But you only felt the presence of Jobe next to you.

His hands were anchored to your hips, sometimes pulling you slightly to himself, as if he needed to feel closer. But his look... His gaze was no longer on you.

It was about that boy who tried to hit on you

You had noticed it too. He stood a few feet away, in the crowd, with his glass in his hand and a cheeky smile on his lips. He looked at you again, openly challenging Jobe, as if he wanted to provoke him.

You felt Jobe’s breath becoming slower and deeper. His broad shoulders were stiff, his jaw taut in a hard line. His eyes did not move, and you knew that look. It was the look of one who is about to lose patience.

"Jobe..." you said softly, passing a hand along his muscular arm. He didn’t answer, too focused on the boy.

"Jobe," you repeated, this time getting closer to him, your chest touching his. You slightly lifted up on your toes and laid a soft kiss on his taut jaw.

"Hm?" he muttered without turning his eyes from the boy.

"Look at me," you whispered near his ear, in a sweet but firm voice.

Slowly, reluctantly, he looked down at you. His eyes were still full of wild jealousy, but your touch seemed to calm him. You have tilted your head to one side, letting your eyes fill with sweetness, as if to say: "There is no need for all this, I am here with you."

"It’s not worth it," you said, caressing his chest with your fingers. "You already have the prize, Jobe. I’m yours, remember?"

His breathing has slowed down. You saw his jaw relax slightly, even though his eyes still cast some glances at the boy.

You knew it wasn’t enough. Not yet.

You lowered your hand from his shoulder and let it slide down his chest, slowly, until you stopped on his hips. Then, without breaking eye contact, you turned around and started to move your hips against him, following the rhythm of the music.

The song was slow, with a sweeping rhythm that seemed to be made for dancing in a sensual way. You let yourself go to the rhythm, sliding your hips against his, back and forth, slowly and with intention. You felt the warmth of his body against your back, its presence that completely enveloped you.

Jobe breathed hard, as if he had been caught off guard. His hands found your hips instantly, holding you tight. He pulled you even closer, his breath now against your ear.

"You’re dangerous, you know?" he whispered in a hoarse voice, low and intense.

You smiled in secret, biting your lower lip. " I’m just dancing," you said with a false innocence, turning your head to look at him.

"This is not dancing," he muttered, clenching his teeth. "You’re playing with me."

You laughed quietly and moved your hips with even more intensity, following the rhythm of the music that seemed to become slower and more overwhelming. The movements were fluid, slow, sensual. You felt his hands on your hips, as if he wanted to control your movements, but you didn’t give him control. You were the one driving.

"What’s the matter, Jobe? Can’t you play along?" you said with a hint of provocation.

His breath became heavier. He grabbed your hips with more force, making your body even closer to his. You felt his chest against your back, the warmth of his skin through his clothes.

"Watch your language, baby," he whispered in your ear, his voice scratching and deep. " Because if you keep this up, I might forget we’re in the middle of all these people."

The shiver that ran through your back was inevitable. You knew exactly what it meant. Jobe never spoke in vain.

"I’m just making sure you don’t lose your head," you replied softly, tilting your head back, leaning it on his shoulder. Your eyes met his, and there was something in that look that made you feel powerful.

His pupils were dilated, his deep breath, the control he was so much trying to maintain was about to collapse. His eyes were lowered to your lips, then to your neck.

"You’re too good at it," he admitted with a dangerous smile. "And I don’t like when you test me."

"Then stop making me your test of strength," you replied with a provocative grin, slightly pushing your hips against him one last time.

Jobe closed his eyes for a second, breathing heavily as if he was trying to contain himself. When he opened them again, he had that look in his eyes "you won, but not for long."

"Don’t give me orders," he said softly, his hands pulling you closer. "You know I don’t listen."

"I know," you whispered, your lips leaning against his jaw. You kissed him slowly, letting your lips run against his warm skin. You felt his breath getting heavier. Then you kissed his neck, leaving a trail of heat down his skin. You knew how much he liked it.

His hands are clenched on your hips, stronger this time. He grabbed you firmly, tilting his head to the side to give you more space on his neck. He said nothing, but he didn’t need it. The way his chest rose and fell quickly said it all.

When you looked up, you saw the boy from before who was still watching, but this time his look was different. He understood. He knew that Jobe would not let it go.

Jobe has noticed.

He looked up and his eyes crossed with the boy’s. This time, there was no anger. No.

There was a silent challenge, a look that said: "Did you see? Do you understand? She's mine."

The boy lowered his eyes and turned, mixing with the crowd.

Jobe took a long and deep breath. He turned his face towards you, his eyes still burning with desire and need.

"See? Problem solved," you said with a mischievous smile.

He tilted his head to one side, his smile sharp as a blade. "Problem solved, yes... But now you’ve created another."

"Hm, really? And what would it be?" you asked pretending innocence.

His hands have moved on your back, and with a look full of intention, he has whispered against your ear:

"You"

Those two letters hit you harder than the bass of the music that was ringing in the club. You felt the weight of his gaze on you, a burning, hungry look, as if you were the only thing he could see in that crowd.

A smile escaped your lips. You couldn’t help but smile knowing how much control I had over him. You felt it against yourself, the tension in his body, the energy that barely seemed to hold. His hands on your hips were firmer, firmer. You felt her erection and felt you more hot

"huh yes?" you said in a provocative tone, raising your face towards him, your eyes crossing in a silent battle. " And what are you going to do about this problem, Jobe?"

His smile was dangerous, a mix of arrogance and desire. He answered you not with words, but with gestures. His hands have become more sharp, slowly sliding down your hips and then up to your back. With a quick and sure move, he turned you towards him, your bodies now face to face.

The world around you seemed to dissolve. The music, people dancing and laughing, everything became muffled, far away. There was no one left. Just the two of you.

His eyes fell on your lips, then back into your eyes, as if he was seeking your permission. But no words were needed. Your look told him everything.

And then he kissed you.

Strong.

Determined.

His lips were hot and thirsty of yours, and the kiss was anything but gentle. There was need, desire, possessiveness. You felt the way he held you, as if he wanted to make you understand that you were his. His hand moved behind your neck, fingers creeping into your hair, pulling you slightly to get even closer.

You did not back down. In fact, you answered with the same intensity, your hands clinging to her sweatshirt, squeezing it hard. You felt his shortness of breath against your mouth, and every time you parted for a second, he came back to take you, more hungry than before.

"Damn," he whispered against your lips, with a crooked smile, the heavy breath. "You drive me crazy."

"I know," you replied with a grin, your lips still so close to hers that they were touching.

He didn’t leave you time to say more. Before you could see it, his hands gripped you firmly for life.

"Come with me," he said in a low, determined voice.

You didn’t have time to answer. He took your hand and led you through the crowd. You felt the looks of some people on you, but you didn’t care. All you could feel was Jobe’s hand wrapped around yours, warm and strong, like a steel chain that tied you to him.

He walked before you with a determined step, his eyes looking for a destination. Then you understood it. The door of the bathroom.

Your heart was beating hard in your chest, but not of fear. Of adrenaline. Of excitement.

As soon as he reached the door, he pushed it with one hand, checking that it was free. When he saw that there was no one inside, he pulled you with him and closed the door behind you with a firm slamming. The lock made click, and the noise seemed louder than the music outside.

The room was small, with a dim light and a dirty mirror, but you didn’t care. It was all irrelevant to him.

He gently pushed you against the wall, but his gaze was far from gentle. His eyes were staring at you as if you were the only thing that mattered to him at the time.

"You’re playing with fire, you know?" said in a husky voice, his breath short as his hands settled back on your hips, thumbs touching the skin between your skirt and top.

"I know," you replied with a provocative smile, biting your lower lip. "But fire does not frighten me."

A dangerous smile appeared on his lips. "We’ll see," he muttered, lowering his face towards your neck.

The first kiss on the neck made you hold your breath. He was warm, slow, and the way his lips moved against your skin made you close your eyes. Then you felt his hands rise up your back, his strong fingers caressing your skin with an exasperating slowness.

Another kiss, this time stronger, followed by a slight pressure of his teeth on your skin. You have withheld a groan, but you could not hide it completely.

"You like it, don’t you?" he whispered in your ear, his low and satisfied tone. His voice made you tremble.

"Don’t be too high-handed," you replied, but your voice was weaker than you would have liked.

"Ah, really?" he said, his lips moving from your jaw to your cheek, leaving a trail of warm and moist kisses. Then he looked into your eyes, his face a few inches from yours, his dark and intense look.

"Look how you’re clinging to me," he said in a low voice, looking down at your hands, which were clenching tightly on his sweatshirt.

"You’re unbearable," you murmured, but your lips could not hold back a smile.

"Unbearable but irresistible," he replied with that arrogant grin you loved and hated so much.

His hands moved again on your hips, and this time he began to move slightly against him, following the slow and deep rhythm of music that could be heard in the distance. Your bodies moved in unison, slow and perfectly synchronized. You felt every movement, every little movement of his muscles against you.

And you let go. Your hands left the grip on his sweatshirt and wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer. Your lips sought hers again, and this time the kiss was even more intense, more hungry. Your fingers intertwined between his short hair, barely pulling it, tearing off a moan that made you feel powerful.

"Who is it now that plays with fire?" you whispered against his lips, without leaving him room to answer.

His eyes shone with a dangerous light, the smile barely touched but visible.

"I swear I will never let anyone else look at you the way he did," he said, his hands clinging tightly to your hips.

"No need to swear it, Jobe," you answered, your eyes fixed in his, full of certainty. "I am already yours."

And for the first time in the whole evening, you saw him relax really. Not for long, though, because immediately after, with a mischievous smile, he said:

"Then show me."

As soon as you heard those three words you kissed him with more passion and explored his mouth with your tongue and sucked it off and Jobe moaned by dropping his hands on your butt and give him a slap making you moan.

You started to put your hands on the zipper of his jeans and unbuttoned him, then you lowered his underwear too, letting out his big hard cock and he moaned.

You cheekily bit his lip making him growl and then you lowered yourself to the height of his cock and you started stroking him by making him growl.

"shit y/n, don’t be a tease" he said and you looked at him and then gave him a good lick to his dick as if it were a lollipop to take it in the mouth and Jobe moans putting your hand on his head taking your hair to have a support.

You whined on his cock as he was starting to drive his dick more towards your mouth, letting it take all while you gagged him for how long it was.

"You suck it so well," he said moaning as he increased his thrusts toward your mouth. " This pretty mouth is so perfect to take my cock" she continued moaning as she fucked your mouth.

Hearing his words and how you were sucking his cock, you moaned feeling horny while you were sucking his dick.

Jobe was close, you could tell how his thrusts were getting stronger. In the room you could only hear the sound of your mouth sucking his cock and his groans.

"go doll keep going, you’re doing great" Jobe said grunting while you whimpered on his cock.

You started playing with his balls while you kept sucking his cock and he groaning while he kept fucking your face more and then spit in your mouth,

You took all his cum and swallowed it.

Jobe looked at you and smiled at you wearily as he leaned against the wall and tried to catch his breath for the orgasm he had.

You rose from the ground licking your lips and groaning again, feeling his cum on your lips.

You approached him and stroked his hair as you kissed his jaw, causing him to close his eyes.

"I love you y/n" he whispered caressing your side and you smiled kissing his lips softly.

[cutieminaaa]

Not too long ago I made a post about a rape and incest gojo fic writer. Today I received this dm, you can ignore this post if you wanna read some gojo fics but I js wanna embarrass and call out some sh1theads

No, you writing or enjoying rape, non-con, etc. fics is not gonna help you "cope" it only creates more fetishism for porn-rotted freaks. If you geniunly need help, there are much better ways to cope. Your trauma becomes someone else's addiction.

No, you cannot say that "its only fiction" when you romantasize dark themes like incest. "Well people write about murder all the time!" Murder can be justified in certain situations, like killing your rapist. Rape will never be justified in any way, shape or form

No, you're not "cool" or whatever delusional thought you got in your mind for liking this kind of stuff. What would your mother or father think of you when they see you spreading shit like that? These fics only create more problems, can't you see that? People admit they have porn addiction and hit rock bottom. I'm sorry if my post sounds weird as english is not my first language

Stay safe out there yall, be sure to block and report creators who fetishizes shit like that as well as their little supporters. To the SA victims - you matter , you are loved and it was definitely not your fault no matter what anyone says. Much love 🩷

Here is a response from the author of the "Dark theme" fic writer

[luvnanako]

Predictable

Caitlyn x Reader (wlw, smut,)

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁

This fanfic is basically the jail scene but instead of Vi it's Caitlyn x f! Reader, AND it's a bit more smuttier hehe

---------------------------------------------------

Intro

Oh my god guyssss!! thank you soooo soooo much for 100 likes on my last post !! I decided to make my first smut on here as a thanks, I hope you'll enjoy this one too! and don't forget - English is not my first language and any feedback is welcomed 𖹭

-------------︶ ⏝ ︶ ୨୧ ︶ ⏝ ︶----------

Piltover teetered on the edge of chaos, its golden spires shadowed by the encroaching storm of war. The tension in the air was palpable, an invisible weight pressing down on the city’s inhabitants. Enforcers darted through the streets, their hurried steps a grim symphony against the cobblestones as they armed themselves and secured their posts. Families whispered frantic goodbyes, their homes trembling under the strain of looming conflict. Below, in Zaun’s darkened depths, its people were forcibly shipped to aid in Piltover's defense—unwilling pawns in a game they’d never been allowed to play.

The world above was unraveling, but from the cold confines of your cell, it might as well have been a distant dream. The stone walls loomed around you, the air thick and suffocating. Each passing second dragged on, the muffled sounds of a city preparing for war clawing at the edges of your consciousness.

In a flash of frustration, you slammed your fist into the unyielding wall. Pain seared through your knuckles as they split, crimson streaks tracing their way down your skin. You barely noticed the sting, too consumed by the storm raging inside. A guttural groan tore from your throat, reverberating off the damp walls.

How could this have happened? How had it come to this? Your mind was a cacophony of self-recriminations, every "what if" and "if only" echoing louder than the last.

"Is this my fault?"

The words slipped from your lips in a bitter whisper, their taste as sharp as the regret that burned in your chest.

You couldn’t stop the image of her from surfacing. Jinx. Her name sent a jolt through you, equal parts anger and something far more complicated. She’d outmaneuvered you—again—and left you here, a prisoner of your own failure. The memory of her mocking grin was like a dagger twisting in your gut.

You were so lost in the whirlpool of your thoughts that you almost missed the sound of approaching footsteps. It wasn’t until a soft, familiar voice pierced the silence that your world snapped back into focus.

"Had a feeling I might find you here."

---------------------------------------------------

The words were gentle, yet laced with an edge that made your heart clench. You didn’t need to look up to know who it was. Her voice was as unmistakable as it was haunting. And yet, despite the magnetic pull, you couldn’t bring yourself to turn around. Not like this. Not when you were bloodied, broken, and drowning in shame.

“Cait, I—”

The words caught in your throat as she silently unlocked the cell. You exhaled deeply, the weight of disappointment and embarrassment pressing heavily on your chest.

“I thought… I really believed Jinx would help,”

you murmured, your voice cracking under the strain of your guilt. Closing your eyes, you let out another sigh, your frustration bubbling to the surface.

“You were right. You told me this would happen, and I was an idiot—an idiot to trust her. To think she’d actually help us…”

Caitlyn stood just outside the open door, her eyes softening as she took in your battered and defeated form. Her hands fidgeted by her sides, as if resisting the urge to reach out, to hold you and shield you from the pain you carried. Her lips parted slightly, her lower lip trembling as she tried to keep her composure.

“I chose wrong every time,”

you continued, your voice quieter now, barely above a whisper.

“And because of it… I lost everyone.”

The words felt like a confession, each syllable cutting deeper into your resolve. You instinctively raised your arms, placing them behind your neck, as though trying to physically hold yourself together. The weight of your failures hung heavily in the air between you.

Caitlyn’s boots tapped softly against the stone floor as she took slow, deliberate steps toward you. Her movements were cautious, almost hesitant, but her presence radiated a quiet strength. Stopping a few feet away, she leaned against the cold wall with a smooth motion, her posture relaxed yet purposeful.

Her arms crossed over her chest, but her gaze lingered on you—on your bruised knuckles, the faint cuts across your face, and the turmoil in your eyes. She studied you carefully, her expression shifting, her concern palpable. Then, with a slight tilt of her head, her lips curved into something between a smirk and a challenge.

“You really think I needed all the guards at the Hexgates?”

she asked, her tone light but laced with meaning.

The unexpected question broke through your haze, and your brow furrowed in confusion. Slowly, you turned your head to meet her eyes, curiosity sparking behind the exhaustion.

Right at that moment, your eyes are drawn to her outfit—the dark pants hugging her legs with effortless grace, the cropped jacket tailored perfectly to her frame, exuding both authority and an undeniable allure. Beneath it, a simple black shirt clings to her, understated but impossibly striking in the way it complements her silhouette. You’ve seen her dressed like this before—earlier today, even—but somehow, it feels entirely new.

But now, it was as if your eyes were truly open for the first time.

Her messy hair framed her face perfectly, strands falling just so, highlighting her delicate features. Her tired, stressed eyes held a depth that made it impossible to look away, and her lips... soft, inviting, and so undeniably kissable. The tension in her expression melted away, her eyebrows relaxing, and those stunning blue eyes locked onto yours. It felt like she had you under a spell.

“Sorry to say… you’ve grown a bit predictable,”

---------------------------------------------------

Caitlyn said, her voice low and teasing, a smirk curling on her lips. The words dripped like honey, her accent hitting you in a way that made something stir deep within you.

Before you could think it through, you closed the space between you, pressing your lips to hers in a swift, heated motion. Your hands instinctively cupped her jaw, your eyes fluttering shut as the kiss deepened. You've kissed her before, but never like this. There was something new, something electric, in the way her lips moved against yours. Each touch, every small shift, sent waves of emotion through you, leaving you breathless and wanting more.

You felt Caitlyn try to pull away, but you weren’t ready to let her lips go just yet. After a few attempts, she finally managed to free herself from your hold. Her cheeks glowed with a brilliant red hue, and her eyes shimmered with a mix of love and nervousness.

"While you were gone... I... I saw someone,"

she murmured softly, her gaze darting around the room as if she couldn’t bring herself to meet your eyes. It was almost as though the kiss had embarrassed her.

But her words barely registered. They passed right through you, overshadowed by the singular need to show her how much she meant to you.

"Cait... I don’t fucking care,"

you said, voice low and unwavering.

Without hesitation, you pulled her back into another kiss, your lips crashing together in a fervent embrace. A soft moan escaped you as her tongue tentatively slipped into your mouth, igniting a fire that made you press closer to her. She responded eagerly, her hands trailing down your waist and back, claiming territory with every touch as though she was taking charge of the moment.

Her sighs and soft breaths against your lips told you she was enjoying this just as much as you were. When you pulled away briefly, her tongue slipping free with a faint pop, a thread of saliva lingered between you, glistening against your lips.

Your hands found their way to her cheeks, cupping them as your eyes met hers. You couldn’t suppress a soft giggle at the flushed, slightly dazed look she gave you.

That moment of playfulness was short-lived. Before you could process it, Caitlyn shoved you against the wall, the distance between you vanishing in an instant. Her intensity caught you off guard—she was rougher than you ever imagined she’d be, but you weren’t complaining.

Without warning, she slid her knee between your legs, eliciting a desperate moan from you. The sensation made your hands wander instinctively, tracing the contours of her tall frame. Your fingers glided down her back, finally coming to rest on her butt, gripping it firmly as your lips sought hers again.

Then, just as suddenly as she had closed the gap, Caitlyn took a step back, leaving you breathless and needy, your eyes pleading for her touch to return.

She smiled widely, her tooth gap visible as her eyes locked onto yours with a playful glint. The warmth of her expression made your heart race. Then, in one swift motion, she tugged her shirt over her head, leaving your gaze fixed on her now-exposed chest. A wave of heat rushed through you as realization hit—she wasn’t wearing a bra.

Why wasn’t she wearing one? Did she take it off before coming here? For me?

Your mind raced with questions, too flustered to look away. Caitlyn chuckled softly, a melodic sound that only added fuel to the fire in your chest. She blew a loose strand of hair from her face, an effortlessly attractive gesture that had you utterly captivated.

She began to walk toward you, each step deliberate, her bare skin catching the soft light in the room. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from the way she moved, her confidence magnetic, her every step hypnotic. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, and her lips curved into the kind of smile that sent shivers down your spine.

When she finally stood before you, close enough for her warmth to reach you, she reached out, her soft hands brushing against your shoulders as they slid the straps of your top down with an ease that made your breath hitch. You looked up into her eyes, and instead of letting her gaze wander over your now-exposed skin, her focus stayed firmly on your own eyes, seeking something—permission, perhaps, or reassurance.

Before she could say a word, you reached out, grabbing her hand and pulling her close, wrapping her arm around your waist. Without hesitation, your lips found hers, and the world around you seemed to fade. The kiss was electric, as if every moment had led to this. Her lips were soft, and the connection between you felt undeniable, natural, as though you were made for each other.

Your hands began to explore her body, fingers trailing lightly over her skin, tracing every curve and memorizing the softness beneath your touch. Her arms found their way around your neck, pulling you closer, her movements filled with both tenderness and desire. The kiss deepened, each moment more intimate than the last.

Her waist pressed against yours as she held you tightly, grounding you in the moment while igniting a fire that neither of you seemed able—or willing—to extinguish. A quiet sigh escaped your lips, and her gentle whimpers filled the space between kisses, creating a melody that only you two could hear.

Time seemed to stretch and blur, your surroundings forgotten. The connection between you was all that mattered now, a rhythm of shared breaths and mutual longing. Whatever came next, you knew it was hers to take, just as your heart already was.

Suddenly, you let out a louder moan against her lips, and you feel a smirk spreading across her face. Your eagerness takes over as you press her against the wall, seizing the lead. Her waistband clicks beneath your fumbling fingers as you attempt to unbuckle it. A blush creeps onto your cheeks when it takes you a few tries to get it right. Caitlyn chuckles softly, clearly amused by your struggle.

Finally, her long pants slide down, discarded without a second glance as your focus remains locked on her neck.

“Mmh…”

she breathes, her nails grazing your back, tugging lightly at your skin. After a few teasing nips and lingering licks that leave behind a fresh hickey, you begin a trail of soft kisses down her chest. You pause to lavish her curves with attention, gently nipping at her sensitive peaks.

A loud moan escapes Caitlyn’s lips as her hands thread into your hair, gripping tightly. Her eyes roll back, lost in the sensations you're creating. You move lower, determined to make her feel even better. She groans and looks down at you, her breaths coming in short gasps as you slowly slip your tongue into her.

She’s instantly undone. Her legs grow unsteady, her muffled moans betraying her attempts to stifle the sounds of pleasure. You work her relentlessly—twisting, nipping, swirling—her voice climbing higher with every move.

Minutes pass, and you decide to push her over the edge. Not one, but two fingers slide inside her, driving her closer to release. Caitlyn squeaks, her thighs trembling against you, grinding instinctively. It only takes a few more movements before she shatters, her body tightening and shaking as she reaches her climax.

---------------------------------------------------

Her hands clutch at your back as she comes undone, her arms wrapping around your shoulders for support. She’s breathless, her flushed face buried against you as she struggles to recover.

You lean back slightly, quickly licking your fingers clean before anything drips, while holding her wobbly frame steady.

“C-Cupcake…”

you murmur, gazing up at her with a soft smile. She looks down at you, still catching her breath, a faint smile tugging at her lips.

“I told you…” you start.

“Told me what?” she breathes out, barely managing the words.

“That the Undercity was gonna eat you alive.”

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁

[torturedtypewritersdept]

proclivity - part one - scott street

✯ pairing:

ex!bff!rafe cameron x diabetic!kook!fem!reader

✯ summary:

at one point in time rafe was your best friend. can summer romance erase all the damage he's done?

✯ warnings:

mature themes, mentions of anxiety, nostalgia, heartbreak, diabetes lingo, injury, ghosting, fluff and fear, domestic violence (not rafe), mean!ex!jj etc.

✯ a/n:

nothing!! please don't engage if you have a hard time with any of these topics <3 this was origianlly posted on my old blog @/illicitfixations, @/lovelornanonymity and i have rewritten + reshared it here :) trying out a new format with this post, hope you like it!

Your feet hit the floor with a loud grunt as you pull yourself from your satin pink sheets, they feel heavenly and quite frankly, the discipline your parents are bestowing upon you as they do their best to make it a point that your pogue ex-boyfriend is an ex for a reason is mind-numbingly stupid. You’re aware of this fact — you are so hyper aware that it causes you physical pain. So much more than your broken wrist, which is also his fault as much as everything else. You groan loudly as you hear your mother call your name again. The “Don’t make me ask again, y/n” voice  she’s using is also mind-numbingly annoying, though you know that she is very serious and that she will probably send your father in to chop you into a million pieces and sell your corpse on the black market if you don’t listen to her. So, you scream back. 

“I’m up!” 

You screech. You are usually perfectly obedient and poised, but the one thing that JJ has taught you is absolute attitude from the pits of hell. Your parents had realized this new attribute early on into your relationship with him and from the way you picked up his habits so quickly, they knew he was bad news. It should’ve been your first sign that something – the relationship, him – it was all wrong. You should’ve known when your parents started talking in Rafe’s language – in pogue versus kook, because they weren’t those kinds of people, the kind to pass judgment on people that they didn’t know and you never had been either. You feel like you’re at a disadvantage because of this now, because really you should’ve listened to Rafe’s warnings in early childhood about pogues being bad news. You never expected them to be true, for your perfect pogue to make you question who you are, to wind you up in jail. Jail – a word so far from being associated with you that it makes you cringe just thinking about it. Just thinking about the way it's dirty, pogue-ridden walls were trying to infect you with its virus, to hold you captive for all the days of your life. When your father had picked you up, he was livid – fuming, ready to murder every person that had touched his precious baby daughter. You’d been without insulin for hours and were on the verge of being too sick to recover when he picked you up. That seemed to be the only real thing on your side as he stormed into the Kildare police station and carted you off to the hospital. Good thing he did, because your arm was broken as well as your diabetes royally fucking you like it always did. He demanded answers and you easily gave him the right one — that Taylor Swift’s Getaway Car hadn’t prepared you for this, for JJ’s abandonment either. You assumed he took pity on you then in the way that only a girl dad knows how to. That doesn’t really matter though, because you’re still getting punished. They are making you take a summer job at The Island Club in order to pay for your transgressions, the price of bail but more importantly worrying them and getting yourself hurt. You get it truly, but that doesn’t make it suck any less. You wish you could call Rafe in times like these, though you know those days have been over for a very long time. 

—

You’re behind the bar when they walk in, getting orientated by none other that a pogue named Summer from your class. She’s nice enough and very pretty, saving for college because without a job, there’s no way she will be able to go. You appreciate her kindness as she shows you how to make a Mai Tai for the fourth time. You notice the three stooges as they walk through the door from a fresh round of golf, still smelling of freshly cut grass and the stench of perspiration. You mentally berate yourself for your brain’s inability to use their real names after all this time. Rafe, Topper, and Kelce approach the bar dripping wet with sweat. You haven’t seen them exert this much physical activity since the beginning of last year’s football season so the sight is a little funny. It’s hot in the obx this year though, more so than years past. So, you’re guessing it hasn’t taken much to make them glisten. Your eyes are locked on your former friends, but Rafe particularly – since he’s really the only one stuck in the former category. The other two still love you very much, despite your very poor taste in men. He’s handsome – you note, more so than the last time you saw him. He’s grown about a foot, everything is bigger about him really and you can’t help but wonder if that part is bigger too – MOVING ON. He’s smiling, talking to Summer and for a moment you find yourself staring, wondering if he’s ever going to smile at you like that again one day. Stupid girl, you think. The answer is no and you know that. 

“Y/n, When did you start working here?” 

Topper asked, puzzledly. You can feel Rafe’s brow etch in confusion as he stares intently at your cheeks that are freckled brown from the summer sun. 

“I got in trouble, remember? This is my punishment.” 

You are doing your best not to have to explain your situation to the entirety of the club. So, you laugh in comradery with your friend, clenching your teeth and sporting a forced smile, though you feel ashamed about it and probably will punish yourself for it later. 

“Three Mai Tai’s, pretty please.” 

Rafe spoke, breaking your attention away from Topper, giving Summer his best puppy dog eyes. You smile softly at his tactics, noting that nothing has changed in that regard.  

“We can’t do that, can we?” 

You whisper in Summer’s ear. She looks at you and smiles. 

“Good girl! You’re picking up fast, just like I said you would.” 

You beam at her praise as she redirects her attention to the boys.

“Come on, boys. You know I can’t serve you alcohol, you’re underage.” 

She said, rolling her eyes. Topper laid his fake ID down on the flat mahogany surface of the bar, sliding it over. 

“This clearly states that I’m 23.” 

He retorted and you rolled your eyes in feigned annoyance. 

“Come on, y/n! Really? What is it? You only give alcohol to Maybank or something?” 

Rafe jokingly questioned with a sneer, his distaste for anything Pogue related always everpresent. Your face fell and your breath caught in your throat, the moment the last name of your ex-boyfriend left his lips. You think only of the Rafe that used to be your best friend and then to the moment that all changed during freshman year. How he left you in the dust of appearances and fancy parties, how he turned into a major dick who made it his newfound purpose in life to cut you down every chance he got. You remembered the embarrassingly drunk voicemail you left him last year, crying into the phone about how he was everything to you and he left you behind after the first time JJ had touched you in a violent way. You never told him that though. You had been civil and joked back and forth, but had no real conversations or interactions since then. That was mostly because you were embarrassed about it, you knew that he probably showed it to Kelce and Topper and laughed about it for ages, making fun of how pathetic you were. Your fears seem to be true now as he cuts you down with his sneer and hate-filled blue eyes. You still don’t know what you did, what you did to put the butterfly effect into motion; how you and Rafe got so far off the beaten path. The tears rimmed your eyes, being reminded of your now ex-boyfriend wasn’t how you planned on spending your afternoon. No one knew how you’d followed his every whim all summer, how it had landed you in jail, gotten you a broken wrist, almost killed you when you hadn’t paid attention to your sugar for hours. He’d left you there and no one knew and you wanted so badly to tell Rafe about all of it. But, you couldn't – not anymore. Because you were right where he left you, like an abandoned toy in the toy box he no longer wanted to play with. As if all of that wasn’t enough to embarrass you and make you want to die, JJ had cheated with one of your close friends, Kiara, too and all the Pogues knew about it – sending you into a spiral of grieving all your friends at once. You had virtually no one. Rafe didn’t know and how could he, you stopped getting to tell him the ins and outs of your life a long time ago. So, while the joke seemed harmless to him, it broke something inside of you. You looked up, meeting his eyes, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry. But, he knew you, he knew that look, he knew those glossed over eyes – he knew he had fucked up. 

“Woah, what’s wrong? I’m just kidding around. Can’t you take a joke, Y/N?” 

The bitterness left his tongue as quick as his feigned concern, almost like he couldn’t turn either off.  

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. I’ve been wiping my own tears for a long time now.” 

You bit out, not meaning to spill your guts the way you did, but he deserved it. He couldn’t help but feel your words so deeply. He often felt guilty for the way he left you, with no reason why. There was a time when he would’ve talked you out of being with a loser like JJ Maybank, a time when he would dry your tears and hug you tightly, a time when he would’ve protected you. You slowly but surely made the boys their drinks, a tear slipping out of your eye. No one noticed but Topper and he gave you a sad, knowing look. You headed to the kitchen, hoping no one would be in the locker room that was right off to the side of it, so you could cry in peace. 

“What did I say?”

Rafe questioned the boys, confusedly. 

“You’re a fucking idiot. Have you not heard that Maybank cheated on her and all the Pogues knew about it? He got her in trouble, Rafe and she got hurt. She’s lost everybody important to her, and you just have to be an asshole to her, when we all know how you really feel about her. Grow up, man.” 

Kelce spoke up with distaste on his tongue. 

“Shit.”

He whispered out, deciding then, he’d make it his mission to get into your good graces again, if that was even possible. It’d been long enough without you in his life and he had only wanted a break to protect you from his own faults. 

After you had made it to the locker room, you leaned against the lockers, your head falling back in defeat. It’s been two weeks since JJ broke your heart and it felt like the last year with you had meant nothing to him. He didn’t even say he was sorry. You stayed like that for a moment, cringing thinking about the fact that you had to work with him tonight. Summer had warned you in advance as she orientated you and you gave her the smaller version of events. You wished so badly that you could rewind time and not let Rafe drift away from you, all you wanted in this moment was one of his hugs – feeling his strong, muscular arms wrap around you. It had been two years since you’d had a hug like that. You pushed the thoughts down once more, drying your eyes and making your way back out to the bar. The boys were still sitting there. Rafe took in your form, the way the blanched redness of your face stood out. He could tell you had been crying, really hard, and that made his chest tight. It had always made his fucking chest hurt. He wanted to kill JJ Maybank for what he had done to you. You made your way behind the bar and locked eyes with Topper. 

“Can I get you boys anything else?”

You asked – voice shaky. 

“We’re fine, Y/N.”

Topper spoke with a softness and an ease to his voice. Topper and Kelce had stayed friend’s with you even after Rafe decided not to and Topper was the first phone call you made after your dad had brought you home from the hospital; filling him in on all the gorey details. He came over with pizza and wine and made you laugh about how much of an idiot JJ was. That made you feel better for a while, but you cried yourself to sleep that night, mostly sad that you couldn’t call Rafe out of embarrassment or fear of leaving another voicemail he’d never return. You often wondered if you were ever important to him at all. 

“Hey, sweet cheeks!”

You were brought out of your thoughts by JJ’s boisterous yet sinister laugh as he called you by a nickname you no longer welcomed. Rafe watched as your body became completely stiff. It made his skin crawl that you were so uncomfortable and as he saw your eyes gloss over he knew this was about to be bad. 

“What, Y/N, you too good to talk to me now?”

JJ questioned, annoyed that you were ignoring him. You wanted to speak to him, but you couldn’t find the words to say and you definitely didn’t want to do it in front of Rafe. Before you could even muster up a response, Topper and Rafe were behind the bar, standing in front of JJ, blocking him from getting close to you. Summer was thankful because she had never liked JJ and couldn’t do much on her own to protect you. 

“Maybank, I suggest you back up. You have no right to talk to her after what you’ve done!” 

Rafe growled. 

“Oh and you do? You tore her heart out of her chest, hollywood.” 

He laughs in response. 

“What are you even talking about?” 

Rafe questioned confusedly. 

“Oh, you know, when you stopped talking to her out of the blue freshman year. What you thought I didn’t know about that? You don’t think everyone knows about that?” 

JJ’s laugh has become incredulous at this point. Rafe looked in your direction, with apologetic eyes. 

“What would you know about that? You don’t know anything that went on between us.” 

Rafe snarled. 

“I know she cried all the time. I know about that embarrassing voicemail she left you. I know she never got over it. I mean I can’t say I blame you for ghosting her like that, she’s boring and what would the king kook want with her-”

The sound of Rafe’s fist meeting JJ’s jaw was enough to send a chill down your spine. Topper quickly pulled you away from the scene, not wanting you to be caught in the crossfire of an angry Rafe, especially when it involved defending you – he knew he had no self control in that regard. 

“Y/N, look at me. Are you okay?” 

He questioned softly. 

“I-I, no, top. W-why d-did he do this t-to me?” 

You asked through stifled sobs and his soft eyes traced over your figure. Unbeknownst to you and Topper, Rafe had run out to find you after he mopped the floor with JJ, his knuckles bloody for you. But, as he made his way through the club, he heard stifled sobs on the other side of a wooden door and he stopped to listen.

“I don’t know, sweet girl. People cheat and I don’t think there’s ever a reason-”

Topper continued, but was quickly cut off by you as you clarified who exactly you were referring to. 

“No, why did Rafe do this to me? I loved him so much and I-I don’t know maybe JJ’s right. Maybe I just wasn’t good enough to be his friend anymore. Maybe he saw what a piece of shit I was.” 

You mumbled. 

“No, listen, it’s deeper than all that. When Rafe’s ready to tell you what happened, he will. But don’t beat yourself up, Y/N. There’s nothing wrong with you.” 

He replied, stroking your hair. 

Rafe couldn’t believe what he was hearing, he really had broken your heart and you really thought you were the one that wasn't good enough for him. 

as always, if you'd like to be added to the taglist, please let me know <3

taglist:

@maybankslover @inthelibrarybtw @luvrcndy @silkylovey

[forever-rogue]

It's a Lifestyle

AN | Hello, its me! Back from the dead for my favorite time of the year. It's just a sweet little scene with Eddie and his angel and their love of Halloween! 🥰

Warnings | Language

Word Count | 2.1k

Masterlist | Main, Eddie 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Eddie looked forward to coming home every day. So much. Like so much. 

Because he always knew that you'd be there, excited to see him, even if it hadn't been that long since you'd last seen each other.

He parked his truck in the driveway of the small house that now belonged to the two of you.

A very own home for you both.

He noted your car in the driveway as well, but when he came inside the house, you weren't there to greet him. He took off his boots and set them by the door, reaching down to pet Pickles as she wound herself around his legs. The small black cat purred loudly before giving him one final rub and heading over to the window to sit on the ledge and stare outside. People and animal watching had become a favorite pastime of hers.

"Angel?” he called out, wondering where you had managed to disappear too. He poked around downstairs but found nothing but the delicious smell of fresh brownies. It was like you'd known that he had been craving them. You definitely made the best brownies…not that he was biased or anything.

When you didn't answer him, he climbed up the stairs, assuming you were in the bedroom or office or…somewhere. Hopefully.

As he got to the top of the stairs, the floor squeaked slightly. That alone was enough to alert you to his presence, “Eddie?”

He followed the sound of your voice down the hall and around the corner, finding the stairs to the attic pulled down, “its just me. What're you doing up there?”

“Hi my love,” your pretty face appeared and made him smile, “I'm just going through some boxes to find the Halloween Decorations! I know I have some from the years past-”

“It's not even September yet,” Eddie raised an eyebrow, amusement written all over his face. He was trying not to laugh, but it was all in good fun.

“Halloween is a year round tradition, Edward!” You beckoned for him to come up the stairs, “its not my fault that my year round decor just happens to be Halloween appropriate. Halloween is a lifestyle.”

“I thought it was a holiday?” He started to make the short climb, quickly standing up next to you. He gently took your face in his hands, beaming at you.

“It's a lifestyle,” you repeated, putting your hands on his forearms, smiling back at him, “hi.”

“Hi,” he leaned and kissed you softly, pulling away much sooner than you would have liked, but you knew you'd get plenty more later, “Halloween being a lifestyle choice makes sense considering your skull collection.”

“It is an impressive skull collection,” you mused before kissing him again. When he had first met you he was surprised to find that you collected all sorts of different replica skulls. You didn't give off the vibe immediately but he found that they did suit you, “wanna help me decorate, handsome?”

“For you? Anything,” he agreed, heart swelling at the pure joy on your face, “you want to decorate now? We'll decorate now.”

“And maybe go shopping for some new decorations?”

“Sure baby,” he promised, “you never decorated our old apartment much.”

“It was small,” you shrugged softly, “and that only felt like a home because of you. But this is our home now, one we worked hard for. And there's no one else I'd rather be here with. Now we have the freedom and ability to make it our own, however we want.”

“Yeah,” fondness colored his voice as he pressed a kiss to your forehead, “I love you, you know?”

“I love you,” you threw your arms around him and gave him a cuddly, tender embrace, “now, my love, will you help me bring the boxes downstairs?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he sighed dramatically before immediately getting ready to bring everything down the ladder. You could have asked him for the moon and stars and would have gotten them for you, “I hope you know I'm only being nice because you made brownies.”

“I knew I made them for a reason,” you grinned at him, “you're not a hard sell, Eddie Munson.”

“You're lucky I love you!”

“I love you lots and lots,” you promised, moving the first box towards him so he could bring it down, “and then some!”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“I'm not sure about this,” Eddie frowned at the coffee currently nestled in your hand, eyebrows almost disappearing into his dark curls, “why do you want a drink that tastes like pumpkin?”

He was, meanwhile and as usual, holding a cup of hot, black coffee. You grinned and shrugged your shoulders before talking a long sip, “because it's delicious and the right amount of sweet and spicy. Besides, it doesn't taste like pumpkin, it's the spices. Try it.”

“What if I die?” He scoffed dramatically before taking the cup of your hand taking a tentative sip. You watched his face go through several emotions before he finally swallowed.

“It's good, huh?” You knew him well enough by now to know when he liked something. He mumbled something under his breath before handing the coffee back to you, “and you didn't die.”

“It's…acceptable,” he tried to play it off but you could see him struggle to hold his laugh back. He quickly grabbed it again and took another sip, “I wouldn't try it again.”

“Whatever,” you kissed his cheek before taking your coffee back and looping your arm through his, walking him in the direction of the home goods store you'd dragged him to. Not that he was really complaining - he loved Halloween too after all, “you don't have to admit I'm right.”

“You wish,” he rolled his eyes dramatically, eyes widening when he noticed all the Halloween items in the shop’s window display, “wow. That's so much Halloween…and it's still so early in the season.”

“That's how it is nowadays,” you shrugged, “but it's to my advantage!”

“What exactly is that you're looking for?”

You moved to step in front of him, looking ridiculously cute in your sweater and scarf and boots, all bundled up to stay warm, “we are looking for whatever speaks to us. You gotta feel it in your gut.”

He couldn't help but laugh as you reached for his hand and laced your fingers through his, “whatever you say, angel.”

“We don't have to do this,” you whispered softly, “if you don't want to, I don't want to make you do this, or to make you feel obligated-”

“I want to do this,” he promised, “I love spending time with you, whatever we do.”

“Me too,” you relaxed, smiling shyly at your boyfriend. You reached over and tucked a rogue curl that had escaped from his bun behind his ear, “c'mon on then! Oh - you get to pick what we do next. Wanna go to Guitar Center maybe?”

His eyes lit up as he nodded. He knew that you weren't a music nerd like him, but you always listened intently when he spoke about it, often getting very passionate. You always supported him and his music and he couldn't ask for more.

 “Hell yeah.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

That afternoon you spent several hours walking around and looking for the perfect Halloween and fall decor for the house. It was, admittedly, a lot more fun than Eddie could have imagined.

Plus, the two of you had gone to Guitar Center afterwards. Which hadn't hurt. You always felt like you were lost when Eddie got really into talking about music, but you loved how passionate he was about music…everything really.

The only thing that was left to do was to get pumpkins for the front porch and maybe some pie. But that you wanted to do closer to actual Halloween so the pumpkins wouldn't rot. Although Eddie had insisted that would look metal as fuck. 

The two of you had decided to make it a date day and by the time the two of you were heading home it was later into the evening.  Eddie was driving your car, one hand on the wheel and the other one was holding yours.

Music was playing quietly as the two of you talked about anything and everything that crossed your mind. After a while, a content silence fell over the two of you as you stared out the window at the passing scenery.

“What're you thinking about, angel?” He quickly turned his head to look at you, his face illuminated by the passing street lights.

“Nothing,” you felt your cheeks warm up, and keep your eyes turned from his. he squeezed your hand and you knew better than to think he would leave it alone. That wasn't his style at all. You turned your head to face him, squinting your eyes before sighing, “Alright, its something. But it's silly and you're going to laugh.”

“I wouldn't laugh,” he insisted as you raised an eyebrow at him, “fine, I won't laugh unless it's very laugh worthy.”

“You're such an ass,” but you were laughing now, the sound full of adoration and affection, “I was just thinking about how much I love this.”

“This?”

“Us,” you watched a smile tug up the corners of his mouth, “I love being with you. I love you.”

“I love you too,” he turned the street to your house, effortlessly pulling into the driveway and parking the car. You unbuckled your seat belt and turned to him, looking at him sweetly, “what? You're looking at me all funny.”

“I'm not looking at you funny,” you leaned over the center console and traced your fingers gently along his jaw, “I just really love you.”

“And…? I know there's something else you're not saying,” he took your chin in his hand and tilted your face up towards him, “out with it angel.”

“It's just that,” you bit your lip, sucking in a slow breath, “I can't wait to marry you one day. I mean. I know this is all real, that what we have is real. But I also can't wait to call you my husband one day. It's like an added little bonus.”

“Oh,” his pale cheeks turned bright pink as he tried to control his excitement. At first you were worried that he wasn't going to share the same sentiment but any worry that popped up quickly disappeared, “I can't wait for that either. I can't wait to call you my wife one day.”

“And you'll be my husband,” you whispered as he nodded eagerly, “you want to marry me too?”

“Of course I do,” he admitted shyly, “and I'm going to propose. You'll just have to wait and see when that is. It'll happen but you'll never know when.”

“Until it happens…”

“Until it happens,” he agreed. Eddie held out his hands and motioned for you to shuffle over the center console, “c'mere.”

“We're in the car!”

“Don't care,” he insisted, helping you over and onto his lap, “just wanna be close to you.”

“Even better,” you whispered as you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him close to your lips so you could kiss him. He sighed softly against your lips, his warm and sweet smell overwhelming you in the best ways possible, “I love you so much, Eddie. Thank you for always dealing with me and my shenanigans.”

“I've never dealing with you,” he nudged his nose against yours, “I love every bit of you. Plus I also enjoy all of your so called shenanigans. We just have…adventures. Silly ones, but good ones. and I happen to love Halloween as much as you. It's a win-win for me.”

“For both of us,” you pressed your forehead against his, “do you wanna go inside and put up some of the stuff we got?”

“Yes,” he agreed eagerly, “but I want to enjoy some more of you first.”

“What…oh,” you grinned, “I would very much like that.”

“Let's go then,” he opened the door and gently helped you out of the car, “no time to waste, m'lady.”

“You're such a dork!”

“So are you,” he countered, “but I love you regardless.”

“And I love you, Eddie."

[cacoetheswriting]

please a Bucky fic / drabbe / anything where he’s the congressman and reader works for him in some capacity? workplace banter, lines get blurred etc. I love your writing!

thank you! hope you enjoy this <3

pairing: congressman!bucky barnes x assistant!fem!reader word count: 1.5k

content warnings: even though there’s nothing graphic, i will slap a 18+, minors dni on this: suggestive & mature themes, adult language, workplace romance in the making, power dynamic imbalance (boss/employee), age gap (although not necessarily specified, reader would be mid 20s), mutual pining, use of pet names - unedited - if i missed anything, pls let me know!

James Buchanan Barnes, future congressman of the United States.

It doesn’t make any sense, yet it seems to be happening, faster than the brunette man could have anticipated. 

Just a few years ago, the government wanted to imprison him (the whole ‘sleeper agent’ thing, and whatnot). Today, here Bucky stands, practicing a speech for some event with potential voters that he needs to attend because the district wants — needs, as he so often hears — him in office.

His chances of winning are quite high. He’s got the military background, the book and the street smarts, he can be quite charming if he wants to be, and he’s good looking — although, the brunette man remains unsure how that last point is relevant. 

A prominent con on the list of this entire adventure he’s found himself on: Bucky hates public speaking.

All those people, staring and judging him for past actions since forgiveness is a hard thing to come by these days. Bucky understands. He’s come to terms with the dark side of the moon, doesn’t mean everyone else has to. 

Then there is the portion of attendees who are definitely not listening to a word that comes out of his mouth, just ogling and fawning. They want a picture or an autograph, or both. The ��fans’, as Wilson graciously teases every time they see one another. 

To make matters even more inconvenient for him, Bucky’s campaign manager often points out how he mumbles under his breath too much. Points becoming unclear and muddled under the baritone of his voice. The brunette man, unfortunately, doesn’t know how else to speak in order to still sound genuine, like he is doing this because he actually wants to help and not because someone has told him it would look good; for superheroes.

This is where you came in. Frankly, completely unintentionally.

Hired as a personal assistant, sporting a different pale-coloured pantsuit every day, with a pen carefully tucked behind your ear as if it’s the only accessory you need, you strut into the future congressman’s life and quickly make yourself its centre. 

No part of your job description said to be helping Bucky come out of his shell for scheduled public appearances, yet you do anyway. 

Bright and eager. Strong moral compass. Surprisingly witty. Forthcoming, almost to a fault. With time, other members of his campaign party begin to say you are too clever for your own boots, whether it be to your face or behind your back, but Bucky notices how you continue to prove them wrong and he falls deeper down the well — a minor inconvenience in an otherwise perfect arrangement. 

“You need to relax your jaw muscles,” you say matter-of-factly, dropping his lunch order on the desk with a gentle thud. “They’ll never take you seriously if they can’t empathise and, with how tightly wound you constantly look, that empathy will never come. You need to relax your jaw muscles, when you listen and when you speak.”

Bucky stares at you for a moment, trying not to let his gaze linger on the way today’s attire hugs your curves in all the right places, then rounds his desk to peek into the delivery bag. He proceeds to remove a plastic container with the salad he’s ordered and sits, pointing to the couch across; an act of a wordless invitation for you to stay and eat your lunch with him. One you oblige with no reservations.

“Thank you for your input, Little Miss Bossy.” He finally says.

“You’re just proving my point, but whatever, be an ass.” 

A smirk dances around his lips. “Please forgive me if I have this wrong, since I’ve never had any employees of my own, but is it customary to speak to your boss like that?” He asks.

The roll of your eyes is involuntary. “Karen is my boss. Head of Personnel, ring a bell?” You say, a teasing smile deceiving the serious undertone. “You’re just—”

“An ass?” Bucky finishes your sentence, a plastic fork at his lips.

“Exactly.”

And for the next ten minutes, you eat in silence. Both still smiling, although not at each other, but rather at the plastic salad bowls in your respective laps.

“Relax my jaw muscles, huh?” Bucky ponders out loud, gaining your attention once more. “Do I really look tightly wound?”

“Constantly,” you answer and he snorts a laugh at your honesty. A sound so magical, your insides twist together. 

Bucky takes another forkful of his greens. “Got any clever tips to help with that?”

“Sex,” you blurt out, mouth working against your brain. 

Once the word slips, you hang your head as your cheeks bloom with blood, and you focus on pushing a button tomato around with your plastic fork. You feel hot, stuffy. Like all of the air has been sucked out of the room. And to make matters even more awkward, you can feel Bucky’s blues piercing into you, seemingly unbothered by what you just said.

He’s bothered, of course. How could he not be?

There’s certain words Bucky has never expected to hear from you, sex being one of them. Maybe even top of this made up list. Now that you said it, he can hear your voice run circles around his mind and the word on loop, driving him nothing short of crazy.

He’s staring at you in disbelief, but also quite in awe. You must feel comfortable around him to let your guard down this way and Bucky’s heart swells with hubris — which is certainly unprofessional, although there’s nothing white-collar about the direction this conversation has gone in.

He should feel embarrassed; like you undoubtedly are judging by your lack of eye contact and the thin line your lips have formed. Surprisingly, he’s not. The opposite, in fact.

“Sex…” Bucky repeats and takes another forkful of food as if this is a totally normal conversation to have in the workplace.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble and with a soft sigh, you tilt your chin to meet his gaze again. “I-I shouldn’t have said that. Karen will kill me if she finds out.”

Bucky chuckles. “Don’t worry,” he says simply, then adds,  “Plus, it’s good advice. Karen should hear it too. Might do her some good.”

At this, you laugh. Almost musical. The awkwardness passes with each note and Bucky’s own grin grows wider watching you.

“But I won’t tell, if you don’t.”

Feeling relieved, you nod mid giggle. Then, as the laughter subsides in your belly, you pinch your thumb and index fingers together and slide them over your lips. You don’t want your mouth getting you in trouble again, so it’s better to not say anything at all.

Bucky however, is riding quite the wave of emotions. Something about your demeanor seems different. For the first time since Bucky has met you, you seem sheepish. Perhaps a little afraid to run your mouth like you usually do. A twisted part of him is enjoying seeing you squirm.

“Should we put ‘creating a Tinder profile’ on the agenda for the afternoon?” He jokes.

You gawk at him. Jealousy poking your gut.

“Bad idea?”

“I’m just surprised you know what Tinder is, old man,” you reply, masking the way his suggestion made you feel: aka possessive.

Bucky chuckles. “Might report you to Karen for calling me old,” he says. “There’s nothing old about me, sweetheart.”

Something about the shift in the tone of his voice, and the new moniker, and the way his blue eyes are looking down on you from across the room. You feel the weight of his stare. It sends a shiver through your entire being, unraveling your thoughts. 

“My mistake,” you reply, trying to remain composed although you’re sure he can hear the hammering of your heart against your ribs. “I meant ancient.”

The crumpled napkin Bucky has been holding a mere second ago is flying in your direction. You dodge it with ease, smiling.

Your salad remains unfinished, as does his.

You’ve somewhat collected yourself following the ‘sex’ comment and the ‘sweetheart’, now secrets between you and your boss. It’s a dangerous game to play, but one you simply can’t stop yourself from indulging in — because who could possibly resist James Barnes.

Standing, you hold the half-empty container and walk towards the door. Before slipping out, you turn to look at your boss once more.

“You’ll never get any if this is how you treat a lady.” You tell him.

“If only the lady weren’t such a brat,” he playfully bites back.

The door shuts. 

On one side, you’re reeling from the exchange. Hands shaky, knees wobbly. A line has been blurred and you’re not sure what to make of this new development. 

On the other, Bucky sits behind his large desk and wonders just how much he can poke the bear before the bear bites back. Then, without really thinking, he calls Karen and asks her to draw up a blank Consensual Relationship Agreement — just in case.

as always, thank you for reading & please support your writers by reblogging <3

[thequietkid-moonie]

The dificulties of being in a new world

[ HEADCANONS + SCENARIO ]

[ Twisted Wonderland ]

× Implied that reader is Yuu/mc

This was writen a bit in a rush because the idea SIMPLY DIDN'T LEFT MY MIND!! ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT TWIST GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO WRITE WHAT I WAS CRAVING FOR!!

Still, i find the idea really funny so i hope that anyone who reads it enjoy it as much as i did <333

Being transported to a complete new world wasn't exactly in your life plans but it happened, and its not like you could do anything about it when you were already stuck in this new world, so you did what was the best and the only thing you could do now, do your best!

New world meant new people, new rutine, new culture, new classes, well, pretty much everything was new and say that you were at your limit was an understatment, aside from the classes you had to attent you had extra classes to learn the basic of the education of the world along with learning to the grammar of the new language, not to mention the extra of having to learn the magical vocabulary for your classes

Thankfuly your new teachers were kind enough to sympathize with you (or at least pity you) and be just a bit more kind with you, Trein and Crewel were constantly watching over you and were the ones more willing to help you with your extra classes, or at least to find an actual helpful tutor (Crowel likes to say that he is also helping, but, honeslty? He is just making you do errands and his work with the excuse to help get used to the school and the classes)

And even outside of the classroom you were constantly learning a lot too, teacher Vargas was more than willing to help you grow stronger to make it up for your lack of magic habilities along with doing his best to help you find alternatives to live and defend yourself from any posible attack, magic or not

And soon those trips to Mr. S's Mystery Shop passed from simply quick groceries shops to long chats with Sam, who kindly took time to teach you things from his shop, after all not everything was completely diferent, there were a lot of things that were too familiar form the ones from your world just with diferent names (and some looking more weirdly magical), so he took the time to help you find what you were looking for (half to help, half to convince you to buy more)

As well, the friends you quickly made during classes (and while solving the problems Crowley make you deal with) were also helping! Maybe they weren't able to fully understand what you were going throught nor be as much of help as the teachers but they were doing their best, the study sesions with your friends were incredibly helpful, being invited over the other dorms were great help to take your mind off and not having to worry about being the only responsible adult at Ramshackle dorm

This situation was far from being ideal and despite all the troubles everyone do their bit to make you feel at home in their world, after all they are your friends and you have already made so much for them! Not for nothing you have become the prefect! obviously not so Crowley could use you as his errand guy

Everything was going rather smoothly, it took some time but you were finally getting used to this new life and its rythm! You felt like now nothing could stop you! or surprise you after what you have been throught already, or well, that was until one day you fell sick. It wasn't nothing too serious, now that you were finally relaxing the actual exhaustation and stress you were trying to ignore finally caught you up, along with how your body had to adapt to a whole new life style, so your body pleaded for a break with the only way you wouldn't ignore it, by getting sick

It was a simple cold, with some rest and care you would be fine in no time! However, since this was the first time you got sick since you came here your body needed time to recognize the new virus and find a way to treat it, and being exhausted didn't help at all, so while it was nothing too serious you look like you were about to die, or well, thats the way Grim described it but before you could complain or even explain that you weren't going to actually die a worried Grim was already running around the school, screaming demanding for anyone to help because his henchman was in bed, dying

Of course, your friends were the first to arrive, almost breaking down the door of Ramshackle to reach your side, with a mix of pleadings and demands on how you can't just die and leave them alone (probably giving you a headache in the process and make them panic more), in not time Ramshackle was full of people, more than how it has ever been, paniced people pleading for you to don't die, demands of someone to do something! and there were some that were more annoyed than worried by now for the caos that was going on, complaining about how everyone was just exaggerating (and yet they didn't leave, too prideful to admit that they were also worried)

Everything was a mess, you just needed some rest and medicine! But you couldn't even rest when you have at one side some people like Riddle and Jamil actually trying to find out what it is going on and how to help, and at the other side you have Kalim and Floyd, who were already crying because you are too young to die! And not to mention Malleus who was willing to give anything in exchange to save you (Lilia, as much as he find it amusing, had to stop him before he actually did something that would just make things worst)

It wasn't until Crewel (in behalf of all the other teachers, not wanting to overwhelm you more than how you probably are already) came to your rescue that you could finally had some peace, he was worried but at least he was an actual responsible adult, dismising everyone out of your room to take care of you, finally finding out how much this whole situation was actually exaggerated and with an exasperated sigh he let you have the rest you needed so bad, promising that when you wake up there will be someone with some warm soup and the medicine you need, and this time it will just be one person at time

[holypeanuts]

ummmm yapping (kinda analyzing) about the recent ddvau chapter or whatever !! 😋😋

BTW THIS ISNT A POST ABOUT DEFENDING ANY CHARACTERS PLS.. 🙏😞

I'm just yapping about what I'm seeing mostly idk

comic/art creds : @kitsuneisi

OK STARTING OFF WITH THIS PART!!! ^

there's so much that can be taken from this image alone GAHHH

in this chapter hotguy talks about the "view" of grians hospital room (which is CRAZY conversation starter btw 😧) which means he was definitely trying to get the upper hand here. Reminding grian how easy it is to track him, or spot him out.

Considering how grian acts around HG hes very closed off to him- so, in order to get information out of him (<grian), HG chose the more (IMO) authoritative approach. he deliberately chose a way of wording to make grian feel small, vulnerable, and almost more likely to share information due to the pressure of authority.

I mean, it'd be a lot easier to get information out of someone who's scared.

(AGAIN, NOT DEFENDING HOTGUY HERE!!!!This is definitely not a good thing to do, but it's also very common for cops / detectives to use fear or pressure as a tatic to get information out of suspects.)

Pressure makes people crack, which is what HG wants! He wants grian to "crack".

Ok that was way to long. 😞 Sorry chat

ONTO THIS PANNEL ^

We already know grian is standoffish towards HG but with HG's body language I don't think he was prepared for that wall to be put up so quickly..., or at least not to this degree!

Grian is obviously unsettled by HG's presence right now, and since the first part of their conversation was literally HG saying (more like implied but whatever) he was watching him; it makes sense why he is!!

Grian (mother spore) caused a lot of damage to both property and people (even if it wasn't technically grian who did it) he's obviously concerned about the consequences of what happened.

And if the law enforcement is anything like how I'm imagining it is then, he should be concerned about being arrested! Even if it wasn't his fault, he could still very well be blamed for the incident. It was still his body that was being used for the damage.

Okay, I feel like HG was trying to be nice..? Supportive...??? Here.. Like, it reminds me of #those people who're saying they aren't racist but the way they say shit is so ignorant that it makes you like.... Go "umm"... Ykw I mean???

Like it was low-key ignorant considering HG himself isn't actually mutant. So it just makes it worse that he phrased it like that.

I also feel like this was a way to show off the power imbalance here as well. Especially with how HG is practically on top of grian, while grian looks unsettled (and while injured), it really just shows their imbalance even more!!!

Which kinda makes the situation worse! 😭

Okay, so now he's going back to the pressuring route...,

While he's still leaning over grian... (ITS A POWER IMBALANCE THING GUYS I SWEAR!!!! I scream as they drag me into a padded room) oughhhh ☹️

With the way HG said "as far as they are aware, you were possessed by something that gave you wings" and the following up with "as far as I'm aware" I feel like he's trying to hint to grian that he knows something (he doesn't actually☠️) that he (<grian) doesn't want him (<HG) to know! Trickery !! 😮

This is also a very common cop (/ authority) tatic btw! Like saying they know things (while being vague, like, majority of the time) while (usually) knowing nothing. They use it as a way to say "hey, we know things! So it's best to fess up now since we already know LOL. (^_-)"

AGAIN WITH THE POWER IMBALANCE CAUSE WDYM "let's not forget"!!!! At the beginning !! bros low-key manipulative! (｀´）

But manipulation is also needed in this line of work. so while I don't necessarily hate him for trying to get information out that way, I can completely understand why grian does NOT like the way HG is going about this. Being basically interviewed (coughsss interrogated) in this manner is extremely off-putting, stressful, nerve-racking and, annoying to deal with as the "suspect" <idk how else to phrase it sorry 😞

OOOOO OKAY where to start,,

The way he hugs him while basically saying hes kinda fucked if others find out about what happened AGGHHH tearing my skin off WTF IS HIS PROBLEM. 😭😭😭

THE "for now" IS SO OMINOUS.. are we foreshadowing rn chat

"it was just you and me" classic cop line! WOWZERS

But that line is kinda subtly telling grian that he can't hide something from him because he was there to see the carnage! He's basically saying "don't lie cause I'll know" or something like that

^^ (I'D LIKE TO PREFERENCE THIS BY SAYING THIS IS MY INTERPRETATION, YOU CAN SES IT HOWEVER YOU FEEL IT IS!!)

"your secret is safe with me" waiter,! Waiter! More power imbalance please!! 🍽️

THE WAY HG LOOKS AT GRIAN DURING THE HUG AHHHH falls to my knees and shreds my shirt apart in that one werewolf meme style

Umm okkk I think I'm done 🤓

[omghallucinations]

enhypen heeuseung: wow this is a lot of nurturing benevolent energy especially for someone with a relentless work ethic and need to succeed???

psa: i went into this cold! i have seen clips of this boy off tiktok and i listen to enhypen's music a lot but idk him well, so lmk if this resonates from what u see lmao

wow, i am genuinely impressed! i would trust him with a lot more responsibility than your average man. there is a lot of empathy and compassion and sense of responsibility to others here! capture my heart, why don't you????

ok let's get started.

birth time unknown, my nemesis! well, we've got a range for his moon (21° virgo to 5° libra). no clue about rising, angles, etc etc etc. but! we can dispositor tree.

we've got a mutual reception tree, where venus and mercury rule each other.

someone with a mutual reception tree:

diplomatic

sees other people's perspectives

negotiator

two dimensions of the personality, might lean one way or the other

libra mercury has more influence unless his moon is in libra in which case that branch moves over to venus.

either way we can see his primary actors are gonna be : anxious kind of (self) critical art/relationships vs. diplomatic communication. the work ethic (saturn) also is important (saturn is in charge of mars, his willpower, who is very strong in capricorn), so is the moon (emotions, security needs) and jupiter (beliefs, travel, learning). question--does he have... anxiety? either way probably good to have him on a team bc he can smooth over conflict well.

unsurprisingly his libra sun is way down on the list of influence!! a libra sun is in its fall. a planet in its fall is like stranded somewhere where it does not have any currency, does not speak the language, has no idea what is going on. like it's still around but boy is it confused. libra suns + identity issues 4-ever. libra sun is leaky. the moon and rising are gonna be more influential, and in this case virgo vibes regardless of moon--venus in virgo wields influence over his sun.

ok so just ran into a problem that made me almost rage quit this entire post lmao--at around 8:45 pm virgo venus becomes libra venus. ugHHH this would change a shit ton. he seems like a day chart person though right??? i don't really know much about him idk!! i'm gonna move forward under the assumption that he has virgo venus and if it turns out he was born after 8:45 pm i'm gonna be pissed

cardinal squares and oppositions: rest??? but how could i provide for the family/for the good/for society if i rest??

right away there's a t-square-- jupiter opposite mars, mars square sun/mercury, sun/mercury square jupiter. t-squares are like... hey girl you ever repressed an emotion??? but also they are insanely productive. no one is gonna rest with a square.

cardinal oppositions and squares: activity, drive, FIX the PROBLEM right NOW, only god can stop me, allergic to asking for help capricorn mars: i am in control thus everything that goes wrong is my fault because i could have probably prevented it with willpower clearly i didn't eat enough spirulina or do enough planks cancer jupiter: ♫ we are the world  ♫ we are the children ♫ we are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving  ♫ mars opposite jupiter: i will INSPIRE the BELIEF into everyone!! there is no such thing as overcommitting!! i can take on infinite tasks!! so can you, believe in yourself!! capricorn opposition cancer: spare the rod spoil the inner child no wait we need to focus on nurturing, let's go work no let's go home, safety is through success no wait safety is through the family,

but never fear, squares are here! an opposition may fight forever, but a square comes to some kind of understanding or at least working relationship

capricorn square libra: ah let me rephrase, in a way that is pleasing to you and me, that actually the greatest goal is diplomacy... i mean we're going to do it my way but i will absolutely compromise because i am civil and refined... so... cancer square libra: wait i have no idea what is going on right now or what i'm feeling lol? um could someone... help me.... i'm totally fine giving up completely actually... idk... i really need family/friends to identify myself... ha ha... mars square sun: i know what i want and i will go after it! i must achieve or who am i??? i can never rest i always have to be Doing. my daddy/mommyfamily issues are not the point and have nothing to do with my need to succeed!! mars square mercury: uh what were we talking about haha? jupiter square sun: i will give u the shirt off my back i will give you my last protein bar i believe in growth and freedom and i am definitely as confident as i act like i am ha ha why would you think i wasn't??? jupiter square mercury: i have a great wide angle view of the world and humanity and stuff, also i overheard someone say something one time and completely misinterpreted the situation!! but it's okay i am focused on the future... the possibilities...

lol this is someone who has a really really rEALLY hard time resting. has he ever been injured?? if so, that must have fucking sucked for him. very Achievement Orientated but not in a selfish way, honestly much more focused on the group rather than the self--with the cardinal squares, he has no aries involved. it's all about the society (capricorn) the family (cancer) and the group/relationships (libra).

ahh it reminds me of someone who works 5x harder than other people and someone's like, omg leave some for the rest of us why are you working so hard it makes us look bad, and he's like "..." because it's not about putting himself above someone else! he's not succeeding at you, ok! he is doing so for you, be grateful, god.

mutable opposition: peter pan syndrom

gemini saturn opposes sagittarius pluto, this is generational but also a fun and cute opposition imo. i mean not pluto-saturn, that fully blows, but gemini-sagittarius!

gemini-sagittiarius: talkative, restless, Eternal Youth, down with the kids, subjective v objective, scattered v whole, fox v hedgehog

yay!!!!

however...

saturn-pluto: :(

saturn = anxiety fear and pluto = deep core terror, so together... mm. can be a fear of power, fear of power being put on him, fear of having power himself--heeseung may kind of dodge any leadership roles because he doesn't really trust himself.

saturn-pluto is usually very suspicious of people in authority anyway. can go back and forth between constructing and deconstructing, rules and no rules, i am a good little capitalist v burn all banks. you know what i mean!!

with this and heeseung's capricorn-libra square, he has a lot of stuff around authority and fairness.

let's talk air trines!

you can see an exact trine between heeseung's libra sun and his aquarius uranus--he's not too fussed about fitting in but he is very fussed about equality and equity and humanity and stuff. he has a talent for fairness. also he's lowkey weird with that uranus-mercury trine. idk if he shows this, but he is absolutely very strange.

with the trine from mercury to saturn, his work ethic is natural to him, and he has an ability to be responsible you don't always see with the amount of air energy lol.

also he's super wise and can leave shit in the past when he needs to. i would trust this guy with a lot of responsibilities actually! he has the ability to put his own ego aside and make the decision that's best for the collective even if it's worse for himself, SUPER rare.

damn... i may have to stan??

also uranus mercury and saturn are all retrograde (and neptune) so he's gonna have to unpack a lot of stuff in his life, he's on an Individuation Journey, lots of karmic untangling, go with god my past life baggage buddy

venus-moon conjunction: 🥺

on the left, 12:00 am. on the right, 11:59 pm. either way, we've got a venus-moon conjunction, it's just how close the conjunction goes.

dude i may really have to stan. this is such an adorable conjunction. is he a mama's boy? he might be.

he is so sensy and also is afraid of hurting other people's feelings. he feels rejected easily (maybe less than some people with this placement, bc of his other aspects) and assumes everyone feels rejected easily too, so he is very careful. people pleaser to the max. very sensitive to criticism, probably wants to fix everything immediately if he feels like he made a mistake even if was barely a mistake. girl same, mood.

it's a really good thing he has that capricorn mars and the cardinal opposition/squares because they keep him from being too delicate or yielding, gives him the willpower to move through hurt and things like that. moon-venus conjunction can be too accommodating but capricorn mars hates accommodating so it's a good balance.

hm he might have some gender things, like traditional beliefs around gender. idk if they are actually true to his personality though--it seems more like expectations he was raised with and in some ways they counter his actual personality, but he holds onto them anyway.

and whoever he gets with... you may have to deal with an overly involved mother-in-law.

venus-moon... square chiron: in conflict with his Wound, like it fuels his sensitivity but also there is maybe a feeling of... all is not how it seems, like he may not totally believe someone when they tell him they love him. bright side he is really really caring. (also his chiron is conjunct his south node... hm something is up with his childhood. his mom might be overcompensating for something she feels guilty about that happened to him when he was a kid? idk.) square lunar nodes: essential for his soul's growth--he's gonna have to deal with his own emotional safety needs and relationships in order to Grow. his south node in capricorn is very "workaholic" and his north node in cancer is very "learn to focus on ur own life and family", so that's clear. also at 0°, his lunar nodes are very potent. opposite pisces lilith: virgo v pisces is very martyr vibes, very rescuer or being rescued, he might have a tendency to want to save people that is actually about him wanting himself to be saved? very service-orientated though but he'll need to look that in the face to see what's underneath that need

fixed stars & asteroids & stuff

heeseung's sun is conjunct the fixed star spica. damn he's got some guardian angels. this is the star of protection and benefit. pure dose of helpful energy. you don't always get what you want but you get what u need.

saturn is conjunct the asteroid vesta, who is all about commitment. leadership vibes. he may shun the leadership role but it's after him anyway. when he says he's gonna do something he does it. trustworthy, needs to Believe in something to commit to it.

damn this is good boy disease. what the hell dude. do we have to be so virtuous??? god!!!

---

well!! i am still pausing my enhypen deep dive until i look at all of their charts so we will see, but what do u guys think his he more this one or that one?

actually this is extra hard edition because libra moons and moon conjunction venus are like. super similar lol. PEOPLE PLEASERS.

anyway. is he more overthinker or compulsive smoother-over? what's the vibe?

thank u for joining me on this journey. i've learned a lot and now my heart hurts but i too am air dominant so i don't wanna talk about it :)

[the-entitie]

COD men x K-9 Unit male reader

Part 1 | Part 2》》

A/n: I can speak three languages, only one of which borrow German words, so forgive me for shitty translations. I'm from the RSA, so you know. Not any of the boys hometown.

Reader works with a K-9 unit and his partner is called Mutt who is a mix breed of Alaskan Akita and Doberman(Mutt is also a service dog as reader has paranoia and C-PTSD). Readers call sign is Riot. The 141 boys needed help tracing a terrorist and John called in some favors to bring Riot and Mutt into the field. He helped the Los Vaqueros as well.

After the mission back at base, the reader interacts with the men, and they end up interacting with him.

Reader is referred to as you or Riot.

Mentions of panic attacks, anxiety attacks, C-PTSD, war, and / or war related violence. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, past trauma. Death of a family member. Torture, scars, and flashbacks.

Left: American Akita and Right: Long-haired Doberman

John Price: (740 words)

-He met you first, saw you first. Hell, he verified your file so he knew of your old teammates that turned because of the torture, and he knew of the many years you spent MIA. He also knows what you did to get out. So he keeps you close and keeps an eye on you. He's the one who needs to clear you for this recon mission. It will be his fault if another team mate goes rogue. -It only take him a few minutes to see how much you actually relay on Mutt, it takes him days to see its not reliance, no the two of you act in a cemented trust between you two. From the interactions at home base to the way you both move like a well oiled machine on the field, it doesn't take a genius to see that Mutt is a deadly force with training that makes the hound that much more dangerous. Price comes face to face with that realization when he sees just how far Mutt can throw a soldier four times their size. And Mutt came up to his thighs, mind you. -Time and space are all Price really needed to trust you completely. He knew how you acted with Mutt, and therefore, he knew how you would act around a team you trust. It doesn't take him long to see its not only Mutt who reacts to you. You react just as much based on your K-9. Price nearly shoots you when you call out to Mutt because you didn't whistle for the hound. You howled, and he could hardly tell it apart from the wild dogs he's heard out in the desert. He didn't even understand what the fuck you where doing until he heard something answer you, in the same rumbling call. It took a lot more time to get used to those kinds of noises from you. He could expect them from Mutt but not when it's you who makes them -Both of you were exhausted, been about three long days on your feet with little sleep, that's when he asks you how you make the sounds Mutt does. Hell he even starts trying to learn them just to know how you and you K-9 partner work better. "So I just cup my hands and what now Riot? I Grunt?" "No," you laugh at him, he doesn't feel patronized by it, "you hold your hands around your mouth and just bark, makes it echo like a dog." He sounded more like a mountain lion then canine when he actually gave it a try. You teach him how to pitch it up a bit, and how to drag the call out properly. "And you don't use your hand because?" "Because I'm used to it, and can make the 'echo' without my hands. I still do when I howl. Look." A few nights pass before he uses it to scare a tango shitless out side of the enemy base. He doesn't admit it but he likes 'talking' to the local wild dogs with you. He even enjoys hearing you and Mutt go off at each other because it means your both alive and still here. -Out side of the field and when you two go out to roam the town at the dead of night, he comes to see that the canine noises you and Mutt share gives you peace. The kind he used to find in cigars and smoke. He gets it, he knows that some people just have a vice. When you find him smoking alone behind his own home, he shrugs it off and blames it on the smoke detectors. He doesn't say that he stops to make your K-9 more comfortable in his home. He doesn't stop smoking but he tries to avoid it for your sake. You only corner him around a day or so to thank him. He won't admit to the red flaring up on his ears, but he tells you to drop it. -If he's ever the one who finds you when your having an attack, he will guard you. Get you safe and comfortable then he will become a gruff mother bear and be completely over protective of you. He only calms down when he sees that Mutt already does that, and he learns what can help you, what to look out for. He won't admit it though.

Simon 'Ghost' Riley: (734 words)

-Ghost didn't like you at first. or well he doesn't like anyone actually but he didn't like you. -You had a dog breed that was originally made for bear bating and he hated that he knew that. Even if you didn't get the hound because of that. Well, that and Mutt is constantly muzzled. It took you explaining it was required by law for him to try and ignore it. -But when he watches how fluidly you and Mutt work together, even seeing the raw fucking power that dog has when Mutt tackled an enemy to the ground, he starts to understand why you have to keep Mutt muzzled. Even if he didn't like it. -Simon has an ex-military dog at home so he knows how to act around an active working dog. He's the best to be around if you don't want people petting or trying to do anything really with your K-9 partner. -when at the base afterwards he sees that the dog isn't just a working dog but acts like you service dog. Everything from crowd control to doing small tasks for you on the daily. To siting between your legs when you have your back to anyone when doing a task to protect you. Mutt will even start doing this quiet sort of 'rueff' sound that will make you get out of where ever you are without any fanfare, you will just disappear. -He only finds out why a lot later. He feel kind of stupid for missing it after the fact. -Its the scars that cross your back and over your shoulders, the hitches of thick skin around your jaw. You are a torture survivor. So suddenly he gets it. Mutt is your safety, the dog wears a muzzle because your K-9 partner is also a person protection dog. -After he realized the why you stick to your partner so closely, he would begin to help Mutt protect you. He would stand ahead of you when Mutt would lay down to create space (crowd control). Ghost would watch your back and react with your partner to help you. -He takes his mask off when you two are either alone or when your are forced to show your scares he shows some of his to help you feel more comfortable. -you start to notice it, and at first you would try to stop him but eventually you just start protecting him back. You become more comfortable around him. Simon notices it to. -One day after a few days straight of being on your feet, both you and Simon end up passed out in his private quarters. Ghost wakes first to see Mutt cuddle against you and draped across him, when ever he tried to move the dog, they would just growl and to his utter amusement you growled back. -After that he gets you to 'talk' to Mutt any time he can, even on missions. - Ghost was the one who told you and Mutt to bark at each other to distract the enemy when on a recon mission. "Copy Riot, we need an in" "Need an in, copy. Any ideas for that L.t?" "Yeah, Riot go off and make some noise with Mutt" "Seriously?" "Yip, get going we need that data" You two got in, and yes you did start howling back and forth with Mutt in the echo trick wolves use. The enemy thought they were surrounded by cayotes. -When you eventually cuddle up with Ghost again, and Mutt yips or growls at you and you make the noise back, Simon will growl at you. It becomes a games between you to, even doing it as call outs outside of coms. Soap complains about wild dogs once and now Simon will get Mutt vocal just to fuck with Soap. -he starts calling you dog related nicknames, your name doesn't exist anymore. Call sign? only when necessary. You are now called with doggie names. He'll call out a, "Heh, Good boy" "Come on puppy you can speak" when you go dark on coms, or just when you don't answer him. Yes he will also say things like, "What ever you say Fido" -He makes you swear to never tell a soul that he also barks back at Mutt when you two are off duty. You caught him coping a growl when playing with Mutt once. -He gets Mutt and his las to meet. Now he also makes dog sounds with you on his down time, even without you much to his old girls delight.

John “Soap” Mactavish: (616 words)

-He loves your K-9 partner from the first time Price introduces you to the team, sure he tries to be professional but the second you let Mutt go off to play out of gear he just wants to give the hound so many pets. They are just so big and have that cute angry tilt to their face! Can you blame him. -when out on the field, he loves running with two of you on missions. The adrenaline and rush and just how much faster you two are than him. He loves it. -You end up doing it with him outside of missions after a while. Hiking out in mountains and secluded valleys, it's the first time he hears you howl with Mutt. The coyotes had started, yipping over whatever they killed lower down the ridge. Mutt, who was a few paces head, had paused to howl, without thinking you howl with them. Scares Soap but he just finds it fun. -Soap being so in love with Mutt leads to just being around you a lot. He starts learning what certain movements mean to you and your dog, how a sharp left with your hand was a call to draw back or how the shift of your stance meant to take the lead. It amazed him how well you read each other. -Then he sees how you act outside of the field, how Mutt still acted like a protector, and you kept mimicking the sounds Mutt made. Especially when you were more tired. He found it cute. Hell, he loved playing with Mutt, so when you made the hound more excited, he also got just as if not more excited. -Soap loves head scratches you find out when you two are off duty and hanging out. He's on the floor with Mutt and the hound he's cuddling wines before you reach down to comfort the dog with head scritches. You miss and pet Soap instead, beside being completely flustered, he asked you to do it again.  He just starts asking you to do it more and more before you start petting him the same way you pet over your hound. -Now you start with the dog related nicknames, even over coms. Much to Soaps embarrassment and the teams delight. He nearly buckles the first time you call him a good boy, and he does when you call him a good dog. Blames it on a miss step. -He loves, loves, loves listening to you, and Mutt yap back and forth, loves even more when you go to rough houses with growls and even try pining you down one. He fails, but he doesn't care. -Soap only catches one of your attacks when it's about sun down. You're both at his place standing in the kitchen when your shoulders suddenly hitch, but you continued on as normal. Until Mutt wandered over to you, they stopped dead before making a gruff noise and jumping up onto you. Instead of getting you secluded because, of course, the hound sees Soaps house as a safe space. And Mutt will get you down, force you to sit and lower your head. "Woh, n'er knew em ta jump? Wait shit. ROIT!" He'll be right there next to you, knows what to do because of Ghosts episodes on recons. "What's it, lad? What can I do ta help 'im?" -You don't really talk about it. Sure, you explain what it was and why Mutt did that, but not the why it happened. It takes a while to admit that the scares you hide are the reason for that attack. He gets it he does, and now? Mother fucker will do dumb shit to distract you, or just talk and talk and talk. It helps, he knows it helps.

König: (764 words)

-Being a sniper, he likes the added security, the extra eyes to help watch his back. Sure, he doesn't trust you per say but he tries to be friendly none the less. -He had no idea what Mutt was trained for until he saw the both of you take down someone who made it to his vantage point. He saw how you moved like Mutt was an extension of yourself, that's how you earn his respect. -König didn't know why you had so many commands for Mutt, but most of them were cues or just situational. Most of all, the verbal commands you use are in Russian and Dutch so he can understand some of the tasks you ask Mutt to do . It kind of scares him that Mutt would know which trail was a friend and which person wasn't. He stands by that fear when he watches you set them off on a run away target. -He will only admit to himself that both you and Mutt look way to good covered in the gore from that attack. -You had to explain that that kind of training meant your partner had to be muzzled. You both get to talking that night, swapping stories of close calls, and König shyly showed you the star splattered scar on his jaw. Lifting his hood up just enough to see it before hurriedly drooping it back down. You share a few of the worse days you had as a call in search and riot guard and snippets of the scars covering your throat. -Habits begin forming. König will be a silent wall between you and crowds while Mutt would start alerting to his anxiety attacks as well. You made a joke about borrowing Mutt to him on the days off. He didn't understand the first time Mutt barked at him in a weird gruff tone before jumping up and doing it again. It's when you get him secluded and safe that you explain it to him. "Its called signaling. They can tell you when these things are going to happen or are actively happening. " "So it's to let me know?" "Yeah, for me, it's when I'm going to either for a flash back or when my paranoia forces me into a panic attack." "Flash back?" "Yes, remember that sister I told you about." -It took days for you to actually relay that story to him. How your team abandoned you, how the enemy held your sisters head above your bloody form. You explained how that caused phantom pains or flashbacks and how crippling that can be some days. -He becomes your solace after that. He would be there when you needed it. Keep people away when you couldn't look at anyone. He even began listening to Mutts alerts. He even lets you help him through the easier ones. -König called you one night when you both were off for the next few days. You could tell by the shake on his breath what was happening before he could tell you. That was when you showed him how Mutt does decompression therapy, the hound big enough to help ground him. You stayed that night, even teaching König some of the commands you use to tell Mutt how to help you. He's quick to learn them as some phrases are Dutch that you use so he can catch the meaning of some commands. -You don't call him until a long while later. It's on a mission while you two are hunkered down after a botched extraction. Or well, Mutt calls him. "Riot? Are you, Oh Scheiße! 「Shit」" "wat 「what」, ag. What can I do? Dir helfen 「Help you」, how can I help. Please let me help you. " -He ended up holding how so you couldn't hurt yourself in these attacks. It didn't feel as entrapped as you thought it would. König is so much bigger than you, but it's like he makes a physical barrier between you and the world. He helps your partner make you feel safe. It's hard to explain to anyone why your panic attacks act like that, why your mind needs pain to calm from feeling like you're dying. König will explain how his attacks can feel suffocating, and that's why his jaw and throat are so bruised most days. -Between one mission and the next, you start showing off things you and Mutt can do to him, like Mutt retrieving throne knives or how the hound can trace any sent it knows for miles. -You only bark back at Mutt one night when trapped in a safe house. Neither of you could find each other, and mutt had run off

Alejandro Vargas: (720 words)

-Learning of the terrorist stationed so close to los vaqueros' home base, Alejandro was quick to reach out. The 141 had helped him before, so he was surprised to learn of the newer recruit they called in to help them. Alejandro told Price to just bring you along. They needed the extra help honestly, as much as he refused to trust any of 141 purely on principle. They needed the help. -He met you with Ruddy on the roof of the office building, and he asked the polit to land on. When you dropped from the helicopter with the others. Mutt held to your chest before being deposited on the ground. He's seen how some of the other search and rescue units who have K-9's, but he's never seen anyone who works with their hound like you do. Alejandro is both grateful and terrified to have you fighting with him.  -Seeing you and Mutt outside the field was even more intriguing. How the two of you reacted perfectly to each other, he saw a bit of himself and Rudy in the way you two work like a well-oiled machine. He tried to play nice, be kind and calm, but when shit hit the fan? He drops it. Its only been a week before you use the recall command on Mutt to level the man they needed to interrogate. Both of you were forced to hunker down in a safe house, Alejandro making the bound man walk with little success. He asked for your help not long after the son had dipped down.  "Think he will talk?" "Not willingly if that file you circulated was true." "Any ideas?" "You aren't scared of loud noises, are you?" "Not really, why?" -When you said you could help, this isn't what he was expecting, but it was working. You had taken to standing behind the tied down guy, and whenever Alejandro could sound even remotely frustrated,  you would call out to Mutt before the dog would lunge with a snarl or harsh bark. Scared the man shitless, and he would mumble about 'de-ablo' or 'deamons' on and off. When things got too harsh, or either of you were cornered, he watched in equal parts horror and delight as you let Mutt cull those surrounding you all. Watch as you both kill together just as well as you work together. -It eventually became a joke, the whole you being a dog or sounding like one. Even when the two of you left the safe house. Hell, he started talking to you like he would your dog. Started to tease you with the same command you used on your hound. "Come on, Roit, I know you can beg better than that." "Here, cachorro cachorro cachorro [puppy puppy puppy]!" "Such a good boy, you want a treat?" "There we go, Good perro. Now sit for me." Even saying he kept treats for when you were especially well behaved. If you didn't also start laughing along he wouldn't have kept doing it and actually started keeping 'treats' on hand for you on the late nights you two would just talk on and on about nothing and everything. -Being back at the base and left to your devices, he started asking about everything Mutt could do. He would ask if you could also do the tricks and inquire about the ones you could. "Wait cariño, you can howl?" "Yeah. Wanna hear me?" "Oh more than anything." "hhhm, maybe I'll do it later." "I'm happy to beg you, but I think you would sound better begging me, cariño." "I don't beg Alejandro." "You will. And you'll sound so good doing it." "Try me," -He loved hearing you talk to Mutt. Just waiting up at night to listen to the back and forth of barking and yips that echo across the open land. Whether from far away or not, he loved it. -Alejandro is the worst when either of you get hurt. He is the worst flirt, and he lays the dog related teasing on twice as thick. Not only is Rudy swearing him out in broken Spanish, but you don't help either. Doing anything to help him stay conscious or playing along to distract yourself from the pain. Even Mutt begins to see him as safe.

More COD Boys x K-9 unit reader 》》》》

[emotionallychargedtowel]

subtitle translation, language-centricity, and what support should or shouldn't look like in an LGBTQ+ fan space

I have some thoughts on the discussion that has erupted based on a post by @watchthisqqq regarding Gaga's announced plan to expand their use of AI subtitles. The thread of replies on that post is getting long, though, so I thought starting a post of my own was the way to go.

To summarize the discussion so far:

A lot of folks have made important points already. @twig-tea clarified the announcement, raised concerns about the precedent it sets, but pointed out that it's a good thing they're being transparent. @italianpersonwithashippersheart pointed out that more information on the way the AI in question was trained and its energy usage would be important in order to gauge its impact and that making content accessible across more languages is, of course, important as well. @my-rose-tinted-glasses noted that there's significant reason to believe Gaga has already used AI subs previously and noted that it's reasonable for consumers not to want to patronize a business that doesn't make offering decent subs in their language a priority. @lurkingshan noted that competing platforms are already using AI subs as well and reported seeing other calls for action against Gaga that didn't seem proportional given the much larger companies that engage in the same practices people criticize Gaga for, including the use of AI subs. @wei-ying-kexing-apologist noted that Viki's use of volunteer-based subtitles is also a questionable business practice, suggested communicating with Gaga directly about this issue made more sense than considering a boycott, and noted MDL's apparent exclusion of references to Gaga as evidence of a lack of respect for the platform in fandom.

Before I start talking about my own viewpoint here, I want to stress that I think there's very little actual disagreement happening here. I think all of the points of view I mentioned above could actually be consistent with one another if framed in the right way. Everyone involved in this conversation so far has very similar values and goals. We're all supportive of the work Gaga does and none of us take the idea of being critical of them lightly, much less taking action that could prove harmful to them.

First off, I agree that taking action to start some kind of boycott effort is premature at best. I also hear the sound arguments people are making against engaging in a boycott even if other efforts to influence Gaga on this issue end up failing. I wouldn't fault @watchthisqqq for simply mentioning the possibility, however. I thought they made it clear in their post that they were still at the stage of considering potential action and inviting input on how best to pursue that, not putting forward a defined plan or making a call to action.

I think we should keep in mind that just mentioning the word "boycott" is not likely to harm a business. Boycotts are notoriously difficult to put into action. Even if a campaign to boycott Gaga were justified and advisable, it wouldn't be likely to gain many participants or yield significant results. At the same time, when we take any sort of action to try to change the business practices of some kind of corporate entity, the fact that we have the power to take our business elsewhere is always a part of that, whether it's spoken or not. Even filling out a comment form to state our opposition to the use of AI subtitles is an action that only has the potential to make an impact because Gaga, like any business, knows that keeping customers happy is necessary if they're going to maintain, much less gain, a certain number of subscribers. In other words, the potential threat of losing business is inevitably part of any attempt on the part of consumers to change a business's practices whether the word "boycott" is used or not.

I agree with @wei-ying-kexing-apologist that Viki should be paying their subtitlers and that not doing so is not a sound or optimally ethical business practice. That being said, I think it takes agency away from the volunteers who work on Viki subs unjustifiably if we don't acknowledge that they choose freely to participate in creating subtitles and doubtless get a great deal of satisfaction from that participation. As someone who has worked on a fansub myself, I can attest that when you care enough about a piece of media to put in the necessary effort to create or co-create subtitles, what you want more than anything is for those subtitles to make that piece of media accessible to the broadest possible audience while maintaining accuracy toward the source material. One of the biggest differences between making a fansub and volunteering to create subs for Viki is that in the latter case, someone is profiting from the work of subtitlers. And that's absolutely important. But another salient difference is the fact that Viki subs reach a much wider audience than any fansub possibly could, which again is something that is of great value to those of us who create subtitles out of love for a particular show. I have actually considered participating in Viki's crowdsourced subtitle projects myself because of the potential impact they have. There's a lot more we could say about this complex topic, and maybe it's worthy of its own discussion. But personally, I don't think it's comparable to using AI subs for a multitude of reasons, including environmental impact and the resulting quality of the subs.

@wei-ying-kexing-apologist also made an interesting observation about Gaga being omitted from MDL listings as a streaming source in their post. I'm not entirely convinced that it's germane to this discussion. But I do think it's important to note, so I devoted a separate post to talking about it.

I think @lurkingshan's point about other services' use of AI subs is important to keep in mind. We should be taking care to apply criteria consistently. I'm not surprised that this need would stand out to a fellow social scientist like Shan, since we've had that kind of consistency drilled into us as an integral part of any legitimate effort to learn about the world. That said, I don't think this point necessarily in any way lessens the importance of responding to Gaga's AI announcement (not that I think Shan is saying that either). I'm going to circle back to this point a bit later.

I want to particularly highlight what @my-rose-tinted-glasses wrote about her experiences with Gaga's existing subtitles and her strong belief that they are already using AI-generated material. This is especially important to pay attention to as it is something that's highly likely to be invisible to those of us who are native English speakers unless we are highly fluent in another language and watch shows with subtitles in that language.

I don't know firsthand what it's like to be involved in the tumblr QL community as someone for whom English is a second (or third, fourth, etc.) language. But I've noticed that my friends who fall into this category rarely mention that fact in their posts and tend not to bring it up in private conversations until I've gotten to know them rather well. I even have some tumblr mutuals I consider real friends who have never specified what country they're from or reside in currently. (And I don't ask! If they want to tell me, they will.)

There are exceptions to this, of course. Some folks who aren't native Anglophones are very upfront about where they're from. But it's something I've seen a lot, enough that I started making a specific effort not to assume English is someone's first language or that they live in an Anglophone country unless and until that's confirmed (something I realize now I shouldn't have been doing in the first place). I've also noticed that even when folks mention that they're from a non-English speaking country, they often avoid mentioning which one specifically. That's their right, naturally. I don't mean to imply that anyone should be obligated to do so. But I think it raises the possibility that people might be concerned that they'll be scrutinized, judged, stereotyped, or pigeonholed if they mention their home country/country of origin. If that is a concern, it's probably based on their lived experience and not something to be taken lightly. As a result, I'm pretty sure that the issues with subtitles in non-English languages on sites like Gaga aren't as likely to be discussed in spaces where native Anglophones tend to dominate the space as they would be under different circumstances, even when the people in question are fluent English speakers who are more than capable of discussing those issues with us in English.

Of course, native Anglophone folks like myself don't just get to take up more space in places like the tumblr QL fan community. We also get our subtitle needs prioritized again and again. As with most forms of privilege, we didn't ask to be given this status, but we still have it and benefit from it and have an obligation to do everything we can to make things more equitable for those who don't share that status. Another way that this resembles other forms of privilege is the fact that it's largely invisible to us unless we make a point of looking for it. Occasionally circumstances will highlight it. For example, sometimes fansubs in other languages pop up for a new show while English ones don't. We might be tempted to complain before it dawns on us that we're just briefly being put in a position that non-Anglophone folks are put in on a constant basis.

I find it highly likely that English subtitles are not only more widely available but also, on average, more likely to be of decent quality. It's not hard to see how, as @my-rose-tinted-glasses's post suggests, English subtitles would also be less likely to be obviously AI-generated. For this reason, I think the native Anglophone folks among us need to be really wary of basing any assumptions about subtitles, whether it relates to quality, the likelihood AI was used in their production, or other matters, on our experiences with English subs—unless, of course, we confine ourselves to commenting on our experiences as English speakers only.

Getting back to what @my-rose-tinted-glasses said: I trust Rose's judgment on this, particularly since she has said that she has a high degree of certainty in this case. If, as she contends, Gaga is already using AI subs, what appeared to be praiseworthy transparency in their recent announcement is...not so praiseworthy. Some transparency is better than none, certainly. But if they make an announcement like this without noting current or past AI use, it's somewhat dishonest by omission.

I said above that I would come back to the point @lurkingshan made about comparing Gaga to other streaming services and her observation that she has seen people seemingly holding Gaga to a more stringent standard than other services, including calls to boycott. I don't want to detract from her salient point about consistency. There's no point in trying to engage in anything resembling "ethical consumption" if we aren't consistent in how we apply our criteria. It would clearly be indefensible to suggest that any action, whether in the form of a boycott or something else, be taken against Gaga for doing the same things other services do while ignoring their harmful practices.

But there's another side of this, I think. Gaga's specific mission to offer LGBTQ+ content and their status as a Taiwan-based business are both salient reasons to support them. I want to be very clear here: I don't think anyone involved in the subtitle discussion has advocated unwavering, unqualified support for GagaOOLaLa or suggested lowering our standards where they are concerned. But I do think that there's a temptation in conversations like this one, that kind of hangs around under the surface, to feel protective toward an explicitly LGBTQIA-oriented business in a way that could make it hard to criticize them. And falling prey to that would be a real mistake.

I believe that Gaga's commitment to the LGBTQ+ community is sincere and that the value they place on community voices is the best possible reason to support them. But their alliance with the community isn't a reason to spare them criticism. I actually think that in some ways, as long as we aren't engaging in the kind of inconsistency Shan cautions us against, it makes sense to hold them to a higher standard than we would other streaming services. This is partly because if they want our loyalty as members of the queer community they owe it to us to act in consistency with our values. That's not so different from our reasons for holding other services accountable. But I think it may be part of the reason queer community members are sometimes more unsparing when it comes to Gaga than bigger, more faceless corporations. The results can still be misguided, but I think the impulse is understandable.

But what's more important, I think, is that just as we would speak up if a friend was making a harmful choice, we owe it to organizations we value to speak out when we think they're headed in the wrong direction. Personally, I'd like to see efforts to push back against Gaga's AI usage framed more in those terms.

[writertothemaximum]

hi i want to request a sfw fic if its okay :3 yuuji with a reader who is anxious at all times and like really easily scared? like huohuo from hsr ( if you play hsr ) headcannons or anything is fine , and male reader please

omg yes it’s very okay!! I do play hsr, huohuo is such a cutie,, (I’m sure you are too anon!) (patpat) Anon, you might really like Kaito Yuki from the jjk mobile game! He has a really cute arc with Yuuji about overcoming his preconceived biases and fear of curses. (i’m really hoping someone translates the main story ;w; but that’s where it is) I hope you enjoy this little story :)

Yuuji x Easily Scared + High Anxiety Reader

// content // sfw, Established relationship, both of you are Juju tech students, reader has compulsive anxiety (thoughts about dying), but it’s okay yuuji will comfort you (and you will comfort him), hurt/comfort, ugly crying, I don't think I actually state the reader's gender anywhere but I was imagining male

-Getting through each day is like a roller coaster for you. Classes are difficult enough, especially when you constantly get compared to your peers, and then missions. Missions are a completely different subject.

-Luckily, your cursed technique isn’t exactly built for combat, but they need your expertise here and there, and every time you’ve gone, you’ve seen your life flash before your eyes. Being a sorcerer isn’t an easy job in any sense of the phrase, but the fact that this is commonplace? That this is normal? You’re saving people. You’re helping people. You’re doing your best, but your best isn’t enough, it never was.

…

You and Yuuji are cuddling on the couch, and a movie plays on the TV. It’s a horror movie that Yuuji’s been begging you to watch with him for a while now, and while horror isn’t your favorite, you’ve had to admit that it’s more enjoyable than you initially expected. A part of it hits too close to home, but there’s also something a bit cathartic about seeing people freak out more than you do. (Well, they are just acting. You’re not.)

Today, though, is a little different. You just knew the moment you got out of bed today that it was going to be a bit of a rough one. There’s just this tension in your fingertips, this rattling in your brain—It’s just not a good day. You’re on edge and you don’t know why. Did you get into an argument with someone? Did you forget to do something? Was it the mission yesterday? Oh god, it has to be the mission yesterday. It wasn’t your fault. Don’t worry about it, it wasn’t your fault.

You could have died. You can die tomorrow. You look right at Yuuji and you feel his heartbeat pumping against you in a steady rhythm. You can lose him. It might even be your fault.

There’s a loud noise on the screen, and the monster jumps up and the screen cuts to red. Somehow, you’re screaming and there’s tears running down your face.

“Hey!” Yuuji shouts out, pausing the movie, turning his attention to you. “Are you alright? What’s up? Hey, come on.”

He’s so sweet, his voice is so sweet you could drown in it. It’s too much. It’s just too much all at once.

You find yourself babbling, tears running down your cheeks. It’s pathetic, god, you’re so fucking pathetic. Yuuji’s looking right at you. What is he thinking? Is he going to hate you? Because you started balling at a stupid fucking jumpscare?

His arms wrap around you, and you sniffle, feeling the soft fabric of his hoodie rub against the back of your neck. “It’s okay. I’m here, it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” you mumble out, finally getting a grip on human language.

Yuuji just chuckles. “Why are you apologizing? I should be apologizing, I kept pressuring you to put on the movie.”

You squeeze Yuuji back, and his toned body is so soft, you can just sink in for hours. He’s like a furnace, and everything fills you with warmth. “I’m sorry for being pathetic and crying in front of you.”

“You’re not pathetic,” Yuuji says bluntly, his voice firm. There’s a pause, and Yuuji goes still. You feel him tense up just a bit. “You know,” he starts, taking a breath, “I’ve always admired you. Like a lot.”

You bite your lip. That’s a bit hard to believe. Clearly, Yuuji can tell.

“I mean it! Whenever I get scared, I think about you cheering me on. Whenever I doubt myself, I think about how hard you push yourself, and I just…” He’s sniffling now. “Fuck.”

“Yuuji?” you ask, and you turn to look at his face, but he’s wiping it against his hoodie. When he turns to face you, he smiles weakly, and there’s tears rolling down his face.

“I don’t want to lose you, alright?”

You hug him tighter—tighter than you ever have before. “You get scared? I can’t imagine…”

“I do!” he whines back at you, before rubbing his nose against his sleeve again. “Fuck.”

“Yuuji!” you shout out, and he laughs back at you.

“God, I love you,” he mumbles, before nuzzling the bottom of your chin. “I love how strong you are, I love how hard you work, I love how you push yourself to do your best. I love how much you care, I love how much you want to do the right thing.”

You bunch your shoulders up instinctively, pouting your lips. “It’s not…you don’t think it’s pathetic I’m anxious all the time?”

Yuuji chuckles weakly, and now his face is on your chest. His eyes are closed, and he looks at peace. “If you weren’t, it wouldn’t be you. I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

If you liked this story, please give the post a reblog, or send me another request :)

Thanks for reading!

[chunkymamatam]

hello! I hope ur doing well when u read this. I wasn't originally gonna ask, but after seeing others ask about ur twst dr I got really curious- What is Grim like? Or really just anyone that wasn't asked about/mentioned much. (The heartslabyul gang, the scarabia duo, etc..) that's probably a lot tho, so please answer what you want to (if at all)

Also, I'm really glad I found ur blog! Ur a big inspiration and I'm really thankful you share your stories -and art- on here

Thank you so much! I'm glad that I can do that for people honestly. It makes my heart very happy ❤

Grimm is a little shit. He's a lot better now then when we first met though. His grades are still ass and he's too stubborn to let me help him study. Very excitable and cute. He'll never admit it but he likes the back of his ears scratched and he'll pretend to be angry with me. He's just embarrassed haha

This little mfer can EAT like... I don't know where all of it went type shit. Where tf did all that tuna that was double his weight go? who tf knows honestly. He usually curls up with me in my bed in Ramshackle, unless he's mad and trying to prove a point cuz I told him to get a job if he wants that much tuna.

Man I'm making myself sad. My Grimm is locked up in STYX rn and I miss my little man... I'm kicking Idia's ass when I see him. Not too hard tho it's not actually his fault. Maybe a Chancla to the back of the head max. Then starts the verbal beat down lmfao

Cater is chill but he's really detached. Like.. His smiles are actually really fake and the vibe is slightly off. Like he is actually enjoying himself but he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. Real but bestie.. That's not healthy. He forced me to get a Magicam so we could follow each other and I could "get myself out there" or some shit lol I don't mind though. All of my other friends are following me too. I got into some drama and bro was lowkey laughing at me and eating this shit up.

I'm not necessarily friends with Trey but he seems nice enough. A bit mischievous when he wants to be but over all kind. His arms are fucking built dude. Like I know it comes with being a baker and kneading that dough all the time but damn.. He's a damn good baker too. Those tarts smelled so good sob. He was the first and only one other than Grimm to actually come check on me directly after Riddle's overblot. Man looked so concerned.

Riddle is a lot more chill now and we're friends..? Idk We don't hang out too much but I do keep pink shirts in stock in Ramshackle for his dorm members. It started with Ace, then Deuce, then some random guy, and one thing led to another and he started escorting these hoes to Ramshackle himself. Like I mean he's yelling at them, red in the face all the way up to my door and when I open the shit somehow his face is back to just regular rosy cheeked white boy. He also brings back the shirts, washed and in perfect condition himself. I think we're friends? Idk he's so prim and proper with his language with everyone its hard to tell. But I'm also autistic so I could be missing something. He gets playful every once in a while. In my DR its an actual college but he's a prodigy and started college early so he's only like 18. Slay honestly.

Deuce is such a sweetheart but he's kinda dumb sometimes. It's okay though, he's trying his best and all you really gotta do is work with him on his level and work up from there. I have successfully explained that not all eggs are fertilized. He's also more willing to ask me for help than say Grimm or Ace. Especially after everything with Azul. He loves his mom and he's very easily impressed. Very quizzical and honestly I feel like if he had some accommodations or was taught in a slightly different way he'd have better grades. His PE grade is always an A tho so.. Slay former delinquent slaaayyyy

Ace... uhg. I love his ass /p but god I wanna punch him sometimes. He's such a twat waffle, all bro does is be argumentative, be a bit of a perv and try to steal my food. I have almost stabbed him. My food aggression is crazy when he's around. He's funny though so he's got that going for him. Bro crashed on my couch when Riddle took his magic and kicked him out the dorm and was basically like "we sleeping in the same bed" NO YOU WILL SLEEP ON THE COUCH. He's pretty stubborn but he's also helpful or at least tries to be when you really need him. Like Floyd made me have a seizure (by accident he still feels really bad don't come for him please 😭) and Ace was right there with everyone else trying to make sure I was gonna be okay. He even hesitated to go back to Heartslabyul right away. He wanted to walk me back to Savanaclaw but I didn't want him to get in trouble. So he clearly cares. He's just an asshole.

I'm worried Tumbr won't let me post this if I keep going cuz the length limit so I'll stop there for now ❤