#well it didn't stop being a problem it became an entirely different problem opposite to the one i had

[gideonisms]

sometimes I like to think that maybe there is an older version of me who has different problems and understands why I was the way I was and is able to have pity for this version and maybe would come back and sit next to me if she could. I'd like for there to be a sexy 40 year old version with silver streaks in her hair and glasses. I'll probably be obsessed with myself if I get that old. I've always wanted to look like the one random lady general from the first 30 minutes of any star wa rs movie

[ethereange]

"kats, have you heard of the trolley problem?"

your boyfriend sighed- another one of your silly questions. "no babe, i haven't."

"well," you continued, "it's where a trolley is on a track that will run over five people. but you can switch a lever to change so that the trolley will go to a different track, and only run over one person instead."

"what kinda stupid problem 's that?" he grumbled, "where'd ya even find that?"

"on a post, look," you scooted closer to him, angling your screen so he could read.

he squinted his eyes, scoffing. "i'd just stop the trolley."

"babe, you can't do that! you have to choose for five people or one person to die," you insisted.

"well, none of that's happenin' on my watch."

you sighed, albeit a smile growing on your lips, "you're impossible."

"what would you do then?"

"hmm," you thought, "maybe i'd wait for my boyfriend to show up and give me the answer."

he laughed, hugging you in his arms as you giggled. "and your amazing boyfriend will tell you that we can save all of 'em."

but katsuki never thought he would ever have to pick a real answer.

(ph!bakugo x ph!reader, cw: death)

smoke replaced the air with its swirls of ashes, illuminated by the flames of the building fires. stealing oxygen from his lungs, it burned, his body tingling. but he kept moving. searching.

backup had already been called, the villain being dealt with by you and whatever heroes that arrived. katsuki had been separated by the fire, engulfing buildings- which he now rushed through to find lingering civilians.

a large explosion filled his ears, and he whipped his head to the source, but he could barely see ten feet in front of him. so he ran towards the sound, approaching two buildings- the last two places left to scour.

both in terrible shape, although one was in a worse condition: a chunk of its side blasted away. he entered that one first.

"anyone in here?! it's dynamight!" he called out, voice hoarse. he heard no response, so he went through, looking for any signs of life.

he went into the room with its entire wall taken down. although, after a quick glance, it looked more as if something had blown in from the outside and crushed it.

and opposite the destruction were not rocks or bricks or objects of any kind that he had expected.

crumpled, back against the wall, with slow labored breaths. he didn't know how he got to your side so fast. he didn't feel his feet move, his mind blank.

"baby."

at this your eyes opened, recognizing the presence of your boyfriend. you smiled weakly. "hi baby."

the smell of burning wood became more prominent as the support beams began to creak.

"we need to go, i need to get you outta here," he spoke, wiping blood off your eyes, but it just kept pouring.

you nodded. but there was no move to get up. "did you save everyone?"

he opened his mouth to respond, before realizing his words would be false. "no," he mumbled, "one building left."

"go," you whispered. despite the light of the flames, darkness began to settle in your vision.

"huh?"

"go," you said again, this time louder, face twisting in pain.

he grunted, "i can't jus' leave you! this building's gonna come down with you in it."

"guess what? the other building with helpless people will also come down!" you winced, the stabbing pain in your lungs becoming more noticeable. "if i bleed out convincing you to leave, then i'll do it!"

only the sound of your shaky breathing and splintering timber met your ears.

"please? i'm... i'm sorry," your voice wavered.

you couldn't bring yourself to meet his eyes. because if he looked in them, he would be able to tell. he would know that they were screaming at him to save you, help you. to stay.

and if you looked in his, they would convince you to let him.

he turned your chin with his hand. and before you could get a word out, he pressed a kiss to your lips, gentle. final.

"you try to get out, okay?" he breathed, foreheads pressed against each other.

"i promise."

you watched him as he escaped the crumbling room. chunks of the ceiling began to fall, but you couldn't hear anymore. a metallic taste filled your mouth as you closed your eyes, waiting for when the ache in your head and your lungs would cease.

katsuki found a number of civilians in that next building- exactly five, and tumbled out with them just as the structure collapsed.

other heroes had arrived at the scene, putting the last of the fires out. except now there were only piles of destruction in lieu of their previous forms of buildings.

and you were not there.

so katsuki gave his final answer. whether or not it was the answer he wanted to give, it didn't matter.

because in the end, he pulled the lever.

[thefreakydeaky]

After the Thrill is Gone

Part Two

Negan Smith x Reader

Daryl Dixon x Reader

Modern AU

Summary: From the first moment you laid eyes on Negan you were inexplicabley drawn to him. The passion between you is hot and only grows more intense the longer you see each other. There is only one problem, you're both married to other people.

Warnings: Dark Fic , Stalking, Stalker behavior, Smuttyness, Adult Language, I'll add more warnings as I post, so please check the warnings for updates on each chapter.

Three days went by and he was still calling you, texting you, begging you to reconsider. It was hell. You were tempted to give in, but one look at your little ones' happy faces was a good enough motivator to stay strong.

On Friday morning he called incessantly for an entire hour. At the tenth call you picked up.

"Just give me a second, just hear me out-"

"It's over between us."

"Let's talk about this. Meet me at noon. I'll text you the room num-"

"Stop calling me." You interrupted forcefully and blocked his number.

The desire to see him was so strong. To disuade yourself, you spent the day with your mother in law, taking her around town so she could accomplish all her errands.

That night as you lay in bed, you tried not to think about him. Reliving the time you had spent together, some of the hottest sex you had ever had wasn't going to help anything. A particularly sexy memory came to mind and it was hard to push it away. Negan's guttural groans as you had sucked his long cock. His praise -

That's my good girl. You're doing so well. Keep going, Baby. Just like that.

- rang in your ears. Your skin tingled. You shifted onto your side. Your eyes traced the outline of Daryl's face in the dark. He was a handsome man, your husband. There was so much to love about him. He was honest, kind, hard working, responsible. He always treated you with respect. He was a loving and involved father. Only one persistant problem existed in your relationship, his intimacy issues.

You understood that he had a hard childhood. He told you the horror stories about his abusive father and abusive older brother. All the hurt and trauma they had caused him made it hard for him to be emotionally available. This extended even to the physical, in that affectionate touching, from a hug to touching his shoulder made him extremely uncomfortable. He never initiated such contact with you and you felt rejected anytime you had accidentally given into the urge to show a physical sign of affection.

The only time he ever touched you of his own accord it was sexual. You sighed. You weren't unhappy with every aspect of your life together, it was just this one thing. You felt ungrateful for being so upset by it. Despite your attempt to suck it up and ignore the problem, he had noticed a difference in you. You were distant too. Before long you stopped sleeping with him. Things between you became cold and that stole the smile from your face.

Four years ago, you had met Negan and your affair had begun. Then a few months ago, Daryl approached you with the idea that you go to marriage counseling. He warmed your heart speaking passionately about being in love with you and wanting to save your family. You had agreed. It was work and it was slow going, but there was a bit of improvement already.

You hadn't slept with him since your last pregnancy. You didn't think you should start now. It was your fear that he would see you being willing to have sex with him as your relationship being fixed. The last thing you wanted was for him to give up, to stop trying. You didn't know that your marriage would have survived if things continued on the rocky path you had been on. So, you took a deep breath and turned to the opposite side.

••••••••••••••

You put the protection blanket your mother in law had made you on the shopping cart before seating your baby. Then you grabbed your purse and began putting your keys and phone in it. Just as you managed to close the zipper, your phone rang.

You made a grunt of annoyance. You closed the car door then started digging through your purse. By the time you found it, it had stopped ringing.

You sighed. Then you locked your car

and began pushing the cart to the store. Millie sat quietly playing with her favorite toy, a rag doll that had seen better days. Your mom saved it from your childhood and so you passed it down to Millie.

You made it through the produce section before your phone rang again. It was a call from a phone number you didn't recognize. While you knew it was most likely a telemarketer you answered just in case it was important.

"Hello?"

There was no sound. You waited for a second before you spoke again.

"Hello?" You said, pushing your cart down the aisle.

Negan's deep voice said your name.Your breath caught in your throat. It couldn't be. Not again.

"When you stopped answering I couldn't help but think something bad happened to you."

You swallowed nervously.

"I'm fine."

He sighed into the microphone.

"Don't do this to me. Not seeing you is screwing with my head. I don't know about you, but I'm not doing well."

"I told you. I'm fine." You lied.

"We can't not be together. We won't survive it. We can't live without each other."

"Why don't you just focus on other things in your life, like work or I don't know, maybe, your wife? You'll get over it. Just give it time." You patronized coldly. Your hands shook with anxiety.

"I won't get over it. I won't get over you. Why can't you understand that?"

"For fuck's sake, find something else to do with your time. Stop fucking calling me." You snapped and ended the call.

"Fuck!" Your daughter mimicked. "Fuck fuck fuck!"

"Oh, Fuck." You uttered regretfully.

Your phone rang in your hand. Another strange number. You turned your phone off, deciding to go to the phone service store afterwards to change your number.

•••••••••••••••••••

"She had too many telemarketers calling, Ma."

You lay in the middle of your bed in your purple nightie listening to Daryl's phone call.

"I'll change her number in your phone tomorrow." He promised. "Alright. Good Night, Ma. Bye."

He sighed long and tired.

"Did you have to change your number? I been gettin' calls all day about it."

It was your turn to sigh.

"I texted everyone who needed to know. Who called?"

Daryl took off his jeans and started changing into his pajama pants.

"Your Mother, your Grandmother, your Aunts, my Mother." He tied the drawstring of the grey flannel bottoms. "And every one a them wanted to know if everythin' was okay, was it a scam or did you really change your number and why you changed your number."

He came to the bed and reached for the edge of the blanket. You scooted over onto your side.

"Were you really gettin' that many calls?"

You sat up and started pulling your half of the covers down, so you could get underneath them.

"Yeah. Non stop."

"Hmm." Daryl shifted, trying to get comfortable.

"What?"

"Haven't heard your phone ring much."

"It got annoying. So, I've been keeping it on silent most of the time." You turned and turned off the lamp.

"Oh."

You lay there quietly for some time. You flinched at being touched all of a sudden. Daryl's hand had found yours under the sheet. He laced his fingers with yours. Understanding that he was making an effort, you didn't reject him. You curled your fingers around his a little to let him know you appreciated the gesture.

[charmingbrute]

the sound of the saw

must be known by the tree.

small drabble about azem finding out the truth surrounding his sister's death and confronting lahabrea about it

It wasn't always that Azem used his own fist for combat. It's ungraceful, required a lot of useless effort and tiresome. But when he does, it's always bloody. So bloody he could paint the ground without trying. It always led to carnage, the sort of bloodletting that was only possible for a man with war in his eyes.

He was swift and harsh, unleashing all of his pent-up anger and fury onto his unsuspecting colleague. His eyes were wild and his breathing was ragged as he suddenly lunged forward, grabbing Lahabrea by the collar of his robe. Azem was fueled by an intense, irrational rage that had been building inside of him for days, and he was now taking it out on the person he blamed for his own problems. He waited for this moment. A moment wherein they could be alone.

With a strength born of pure malice, Azem raised Lahabrea off the ground and started slamming his fist against the Chief Keyward's jaw with relentless force. He landed blow after blow, not caring if he was causing permanent damage or not. He was completely consumed by his rage, and all he wanted to do was hurt this man who had wronged him. Who had betrayed him.

"You deceitful wretch!" Azem spoke, each word filled with a fiery bite. It's true he had never liked the man and he could even admit to it being unfounded, but such dislike could never compare to the wrath which became him. "Was it for power, for control? Did you take pleasure in her suffering? Did you relish in the thought of snuffing out her life? Was it fun lying to me and everyone? Was it fun lying to your son?"

He knew well Lahabrea could fight back, but the man behaved as though he was no match for the relentless attack. Lahabrea was soon upon the ground, and Azem continued his onslaught until Lahabrea was lying on the floor, gasping for air. The Chief Keyward was covered in sweat and breathing heavily, but Azem was far from finished. He stood over Lahabrea, ready to continue the beating if necessary. Was it guilt preventing Lahabrea from displaying the ever man of strength Azem knew him as? It didn't matter. It'd not save the both of them.

The anger refused to rest. Frustration, bitterness and the drought in his throat helped the situation not. The answers were clear to him. Athena most definitely brought it upon herself and that Lahabrea made the right decision. However, it wasn't the decision that hurt. It cannot be denied that him and Lahabrea were hardly friends, merely tied to each other because of their stations and The Speaker's relationship with his sister. They have naught in common, no matching ideals and convictions. Even so, did he not deserve such honesty? That in spite of their stark differences, of standing on the opposite sides of one another, of never seeing eye to eye... as the brother of the woman he had claimed to love, did he not deserve an explanation?

"You fooled me into thinking you were simply incompetent! That you failed to keep her safe!" He knew Athena his whole life, knew well what hardships she could endure and what struggles she could come out of unscathed. "My sister would never have died in such circumstances, you spineless sack of shite! She wouldn't have any need for your protection to begin with!" A facility she had lorded over, know its every nook and cranny, and how sturdy its very foundation ending up being the cause of her end? A child could come up with a better story than the crap Lahabrea forcefed him and everyone. The lie had given no one comfort.

"I should've never let you in her life!" It's desperate and deranged musings of a brother in agony. It made no sense. It's irrational and betrays the person he is. "You have become the bane of her. Your entire being have put a stop in her breath. Were it not for you and your—" He couldn't finish it. He loved Erichthonios no matter what. The child's circumstance was the cause of it all, but he couldn't find it in him to pin the blame on his sister's son. So someone else must be at fault. Someone else must have been the reason. It just happened to be Lahabrea.

Dying would be too easy. Lahabrea didn't deserve such a respite. He needed to live and endure the agony he brought upon himself, to go about his daily life while carrying the weight of such a decision that he couldn't speak of. To know what it is to live by its difficulty and never find a way out of it. To shoulder the burden of it without end. Just like him. Exactly just like him.

To peak beyond the veil of the future was no gift like the scholars spoke of. The things that the man named Ares have seen have never been a source of joy. Every vision crippled him for it did not provide him answers, only images he couldn't control, tragedies he could not prevent. What would he see on the morrow? What would be the final straw? What loss will he and the Star must endure once more?

I... I saw her die in your arms, Lahabrea.

I saw her... I know what I saw...

I... I saw her...

It was only when he heard someone shouting for him to stop that he finally snapped out of his rage-fueled trance. He looked down at the other man, who was lying on the floor, bleeding and bruised, and suddenly felt a wave of remorse wash over him at the sight of his clueless nephew. He had never felt so ashamed of himself, so afraid of the person he could become.

He slowly backed away from Lahabrea, realizing that he had almost beaten the man to death and yet, the blood on his knuckles felt like it belonged to him.

[scottsumrners]

What is the story of the "straight" guy from fifteen years ago, Nando dearest?

oh, damn. i think i've talked about him before, but... well.

okay, bit of a backstory: i (may) have a condition (which i didnt know at the time but i know now) that makes my bones... weaker. to the point where i've broken or dislocated or otherwise fucked up the same foot/leg 6 times. the second-to-last time it happened, i was 12/13 years old, i was swinging my little cousin around, and then i lost balance and.... well. i'm not sure exactly how it was possible, but i managed to break 3 toes and the ligament of my ankle. had to put the foot in a cast, but the guy who made the cast fucked it up, so i had to take it off early, and my foot was... let's call it "damaged".

for an entire whole ass year, I couldn't touch the ground with my foot. i had to shift my weight to the other side. not a fun experience.

but then i found out that a way it could be helped was through swimming, so my mom put me in swimming classes in the gym nearby. one problem with the swimming instructor was that he was a psycho who thought he was training a bunch of kids to the olympics, but it was still an improvement on the previous trainer, who was a serial groper.

so for the first two weeks i was there, doing the initial training. i've always been a shy kid, so i didn't talk to anyone, i didn't really interact much, i was always kind of in the corner.

and then He came. and because he was new, too, he sat right next to me. and because he was sociable, we sorta became... friends.

and this is the part where things kind of get... muddier, memory-wise. because i remember he being... more than a little friendly at times. like running his hands down my back (he was "admiring my tattoo"), waiting for me outside of the restroom, and looking a bit pissed when someone else walked in, asking stuff like "hey i'm alone at home, you wanna come over and hang out?" (i burned him a dvd with the first few episodes of heroes, and we talked about anime a bit. mostly death note). and there were other bits and pieces that to me, now, seem flirty, but at the same time, am i misremembering it? am i letting my judgement of the past be clouded by what i believed happened, opposite to what actually happened? i don't know. what i know is that i never took up on his offer, and 2 months later i dropped out of the class, because my foot was better, but more importantly, my mother didn't have money to pay for it

after that i didn't see him for a whole year. but then a year later i joined another, different gym, and a few weeks later, guess who was also at that gym? he came to talk to me and was all like "hey idk if you remember me" like i wasn't thinking about him constantly. i downplayed it though.

then the first few times i was there and he was there, he came to talk to me, but again - i'm incredibly shy, and he always had a friend nearby, so i never initiated anything, so one time he called me a stuck up and stopped talking to me altogether :)

i still saw him a few times over the years. when i was going to my english course, my bus would drop me off and i'd have to go down the street where he lived. one time he was coming from the store to his house and i was coming down the street and he kinda... stopped? in front of his house? like, until i passed? but i only saw him when i was almost on top of him, bc i had my head down, looking at my phone lol

the same thing happened a few years later, i was looking down on my phone at the mall, and i stopped, and when i looked up he was standing RIGHT in front of me. i also saw him a few times on the bus i took to work and he took to college. but we never really talked

the last time i saw him was kinda nuts though, because it was such a weird specific series of events for it to happen... like, I was taking ENEM (which is kind of like the SATs, but if you get a good grade, you can get straight into a college), and i went to the testing place. but - for the FIRST time in my life - i forgot my wallet with my documents, so i had to go back to the bus station, call my mom, and ask someone to go there and deliver it to me, and then rush back to the testing place. i arrived originally 20 minutes before the doors opened, and by the time i got there a second time, it was 5 minutes before it closed.

and just as i got there, he was stepping out of the car. now, usually, the testing places are completely random, but this one year they decided to do it by the first letters of the names of the participants, and both our names start with F. still, of all the gin joints in the world...

later that day he made a post on facebook about memories and old feelings and stuff, but i'm sure it had nothing to do with it.

i think that might have been the last time i saw him, actually, come to think of it... i think it's been like, four years. still, every once in a while i think about him - which is, again, pathetic and sad, but... 🤷‍♂️

[imgoingtofreakoutnow]

An old friend - Part 3

Summary: The picnic has come and so the time to face Anthony on what you discovered, but will everything go as planned?

Pairing: Anthony Bridgerton x Fem!reader

Other characters: Hyachint Bridgerton, Eloise Bridgerton, Penelope Featherington

Words: 3.0k+

Warnings: slight angst (?), fluff, again some yearning

A/n: This has been quite difficult to finish, I had different ends in mind but none seemed to fit well the flow... I hope you’ll like this! Also, I may post other parts in the future but for now, count this as the final one. ENJOY!

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

Gif's not mine, credit to the rightful owner

When the time came to attend the picnic in Hyde Park, the day was nothing but perfect: the sun, for the special gathering, had decided to come out of the clouds to honor everyone with its presence and a warm breeze enveloped every figure walking through the gardens or simply resting on the grass with its embrace. Even the London sky didn’t look like its normal self, with no grey clouds all over; just a few white stripes painting the bright blue canva. In other words, the epitome of a summer day.

However, sat under the gazebo playing cards with Hyacinth, Eloise and Penelope, you felt much worse than a rabbit caught under the wheel of a carriage.

"Miss Y/N/L". You turned towards Hyacinth, who was pointing at the cards. "It's your turn"

"Very well..." you sighed, throwing in the space between the four of you the first card that came in your hand. Winning the game was the least of your problems.

You had spent all night rolling from one side of your bed to the other, playing and replaying every possible scenario in your head, looking for the right way to ask Anthony what you wanted to know without sounding too accusatory. Nevertheless, it was hard to face the man when he was nowhere to be found!

He had just a moment to greet you with a quick kiss on your hand - which, you couldn't help, had made your heartbeat rise as a river during a flood - before being taken hostage first of many beautiful debutants, second of their meddlesome mothers and lastly of some old friends from boarding school.

Right now he was somewhere in the park with them, possibly reminiscing of that one time they put black ink in the professor's shoes... or something similar to that, you imagined. You weren't so sure of what sort of jests could boys come up with.

"Miss Y/N/L". Hyacinth's voice reached you again through the bubble of your thoughts. You put down another card. It took you a second after that to realize that Eloise had no cards in her hands anymore, thus making her the winner.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry" you apologised, putting your left cards back in the deck. "I hope you didn't ask me anything while I was lost in my mind"

"Just if you were alright, miss" explained Penelope. "Did you sleep well last night? You look quite tired"

You sighed. There was no sense in keeping that a secret. "Not quite. Some matters just seemed to be stuck in my head and decided not to leave for the night"

Eloise's eyes sparked in interest. "What kind of matters?" she asked, eating a strawberry.

"Nothing relevant at all" you assured with a smile, but from the look on Eloise's face, you knew she wasn't finished asking.

"No irrelevant matter could keep anyone awake for an entire night" she pointed out. "But I know what matters could..."

Penelope sighed. "Eloise..."

"Family matters" she started, raising her index, "and heart matters". She bent slightly towards you with the Bridgertons' signature smile on. "Which does apply to you?"

You scoffed. "Neither, of course". As you lowered your gaze to the messy deck, the rays of the sun felt suddenly more focused on your face than on anyone else's.

"Heart matters, that is!" Eloise exclaimed with a single clap, her eyes smiling brighter than her grin. "Do we know the lucky gentleman who caught your eye? Or perhaps he is from the countryside? Don’t tell me: are you two secretly engaged?"

Before your cheeks became the same shade of wine, a deep voice intruded the conversation: "You shouldn't badger our guest with your inquisitiveness, Eloise"

Your head shot up to meet Anthony's gaze. Even though your feelings towards him were mixed at the moment, seeing him washed you over with a warm, soothing sensation, as the need of his touch grew within you.

Eloise huffed, standing up from her seat, immediately followed by miss Featherington. "You are a bore, dear brother. I have nothing else to say on this matter". Then, taking Penelope's arm in hers, she walked away, already whispering in her best friend's ear.

"Anthony, do you want to play with us?" asked Hyacinth, already preparing the deck for another round.

Anthony smiled gently at her. "Maybe later" he said, pinching lightly her cheek. "Why don't you go play with Gregory now? I've heard he wanted to see if he could find rabbits near the bushes... or perhaps even goblins"

Hyacinth gasped. "Without me?!". She quickly and clumsily got up in her dress and, after a small curtsey to you, she was running on the grass to who-knows-where.

Now that the cover was clear, Anthony laid down next to you, pointing his elbow on the ground to keep himself up. After adjusting in a comfortable position, he sighed, looking in the direction in which Hyacinth ran off.

"Should you think she'd be angry to find out I lied to her?"

You smirked, taking a card from the deck and fidgeting it in your hands. "About Gregory or the goblins?"

Anthony turned to you, raising his eyebrows. "Both?"

You shook your head, giggling ever so slightly. "You, Lord Bridgerton, are incorrigible: lying like this to your youngest sister... what a rascal"

A corner of his lips tilted upwards. "You should not talk like this to a viscount, miss Y/L/N" he murmured. His hand moved to your arm, his fingers stroking your bare skin, lighter than a feather touch and equally tingling. "I would say it was quite improper"

At this words you moved away from him, just enough so that his fingers could only touch the empty space between you. He searched your face but you were still staring at your card.

"I believe we should talk, my lord” you said, your voice still and steady more than what you expected. “However...", you looked at Benedict and Colin, who had just appeared in your sight and were directed towards the gazebo, "...maybe a walk would be best suited for such matters"

Even with his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Anthony nodded, standing up again and offering his hand to help you. You gently accepted and he pulled you up. Nonetheless your feet got caught in the cover, making you lose your balance and ending up in his arms.

"I-I'm terribly sorry" you muttered, raising your gaze to his and finding him already staring at you. The warmth of his hands, steadying you, got past your gloves terribly easily and you found that being there, pressed against his chest, so near to his heart, was the only place were you wanted to be.

You took a couple of steps back, smoothing your wrinkled dress and taking a deep breath in. His closeness was like opium to you: even the slightest hint and you lost your mind; and unfortunately right now, you had to be present.

He cleared his voice, handing politely his arm to you. "Shall we go?". You nodded joining your arms and moved with him on the beaten pathway.

A few minutes passed in complete silence, as you tried to find the right words to start. Apart from sporadic pairs walking the opposite direction, you were the only ones strolling in the park at that time of the day, when the sun shines so bright it could make the blood in your veins boil; only birds kept uninterrupted their concert.

"Are you upset because I didn’t honor you with my presence all morning?" guessed Anthony, raising his eyebrows. “Trust me, I would’ve gladly spent more time with you than with any of my other acquaintances”

You shook your head, a smile gracing your face. "Certainly not, my lord: your family was very kind to me in your absence" you assured him. "Besides I'm not upset... I just want answers to what I've heard"

"And what, pray tell, have you heard?"

You moved your gaze from his; there was no way to sweeten the pot. "I've heard that, in certain circles, you are considered a rake; and" you added, before he could stop you, "that you've been spending time with various women last season, opera singers from what these rumours told me"

"And you believe these rumours, miss Y/L/N?". His voice didn't show any emotions but his muscles were tense as an arp string.

"That is why I'm asking you, my lord. I wish to believe it a lie, but your actions yesterday, as appreciated, had boldness in them... quite like Sir Feversham's"

Anthony stopped in the middle of the path, his jaw clenched. "Don't compare him to me, I am nothing like him”. His dark eyes seemed coal ready to be set on fire. “I would've never forced you into anything-"

"I know". You squeezed gently his arm against your side. "I know that, Anthony. Nonetheless, I’ve been wondering since last night if you consider me just as one of those opera singers and you’ll leave me alone like you did to them: my honor undermined and a broken heart to fix..."

"Do you really think I would do something like that?"

You raised your eyes to meet his. The lump in your throat, seeing the hurt look on his face, triplicated. "Haven't you done it before?"

Anthony clenched his jaw again, avoiding your gaze. Many emotions crossed his eyes before he closed them for a moment. Then, after giving a quick look all around, he started guiding you towards an almost hidden path through the hedges.

"Where are you taking me?" you asked, confused and slightly frightened by the sudden change of course.

He glanced towards you with his lips curved. "You did want answers, didn't you?". When you nodded, Anthony slid his hand in yours. "Then there is absolutely no need to worry, miss Y/L/N, I can assure you that" he whispered, preceding you in that natural maze.

As you followed him, jumping over ponds of mud, protruding roots and avoiding overhanging branches, it felt for a moment like you were back in one of the fantasies you two came up with as kids, exploring the deep amazonian jungle in search of a lost civilisation or a hidden temple behind a waterfall; you couldn't believe they belonged to such a long time ago...

The hedges surrounding you ended abrubtly, opening on a clearing that looked like an illustration from a storybook: the grass, kept perfectly cut in the rest of the park, reached knee height there and, in between the stems, flowers popped out in the vivid green, their bright colours catching your eye.

However what left you mouth agape was the modest pavilion in the centre. Its classic columns, with ivy crawling around them, had almost invisible cracks on their surface, and the marble, if once polished, was now covered with a thick layer of dust and dead leaves. Still, even so neglected, its ruined beauty left you speechless.

"How... how did you manage to find this place?" you asked in a whisper, your fingers caressing the tall grass as you approached the pavilion.

"In the most common and simple way”. At your confused glance, he smiled mischievously. “Hiding from my mother"

“You even hid from your mother, my lord?” you smirked.

“Everything to escape her matchmaking schemes” Anthony laughed before a sad smile appeared on his lips. “Nevertheless, it was years ago, when I was still allowed to act as a foolish young man, from time to time”. He left your hand and started unbuttoning his tailcoat.

As he took it off to put it on the marble bench, your gaze wandered on his shoulders and down his arms, framed by his tight waistcoat and usually concealed under that thick layer of blue velvet.

"Shall we start?" he asked, gesturing for you to sit next to him.

You took a seat and noticed how Anthony was wringing his hands, his body again all tensed up. Without uttering a word - it was his time to speak - you took his hand in yours, stroking your gloved thumbs on his skin.

"I must say" he started, "that the market’s gossip is quite accurate... but still not enough to be a reliable source” - then, after a sigh - “because yes, I am a rake - or at least I can be consirered one - and yes, I spent most of last season at the opera house. However, unlike what those women told you, my only company was one beautiful and indipendent lady, whose name I’d rather keep unknown"

He looked at you, almost asking for your permission. "Of course, my lord, I understand". Anthony nodded thankfully before letting his tongue on the loose.

He told you everything you needed to know, his gaze fixed on nothing, eyes lost in memories that you could only try to picture in your head. Every emotion he’d felt in the past crossed his face as he spoke of every step of the affair, from their first meeting to their very last goodbye. You saw how difficult was for him to remember that latter part, even though months had passed since then. After all, no love can ever be truly forgotten.

"Looking back, I’ve realized only recently that she broke my heart just as much as I broke hers" he admitted, his gaze falling on your joined hands. “She deserved much better than the transitory pleasure I was able to give her... I still slightly regret what we could’ve been, but there’s no use in mourning the past”. He stroked gently the palm of your hand. “I’ve found the present to be an unexpected and more appreciated bearer of happiness”

You blushed as his eyes set on you, a welcome sincerity lighting them. However, there was still something, in a deep corner of your mind, that wouldn't let you enjoy the moment completely.

"Thank you for telling me all about it, Anthony" you said, watching him trace abstract figures on your hand. "But I do have one last question"

He moved your hand to his mouth, placing a kiss on your covered wrist and lingering with his lips on that small spot. "You can ask me anything, Y/N"

After a deep breath, you fixed your eyes in his. "What am I to you?"

He furrowed his brows, confused. "I beg your pardon?"

"I do believe you fancy me" you started, looking away and fidgeting your hands as you spoke, "but I can't quite understand if your intentions with me are honorable or if you're simply using my company to your likings"

Anthony shook his head. “That’s nonsense, I would never-”

"Then do you intend to propose to me?" you asked, a rush of boldness flowing in your veins. “You know me, more deeply than any man I’ve ever met, and I found myself drawn to you in a way I’ve never experienced before... and I believe you feel the same”. He stared at you in silence. "I thought you wanted to marry as soon as you found a suitable lady..." you added, his stillness making your heart ache. "Am I not enough to be your wife?"

"Don't". Anthony cupped your face, his hands warm on your skin. "Do not say something like that ever again. You are not only more than enough, but more than I could've ever hoped to find... your intelligence astounds me just as much as your beauty hypnotizes me and I do believe you shall become one of the most accomplished Viscountess of Bridgerton that ever walked this Earth"

As his words beat in your mind ritmically with the pounding of your heart, you held your breath. "...but?"

"But I've rushed things in the past and burned everything I'd built to the ground, myself included. I don't want to make any mistakes with you, and if that means doing things properly, then be it". He stroked your cheek gently and you unconsciously leaned in his touch. "I've lost you once and I surely shall not make the same mistake twice"

You smiled, tears menacing to roll down your cheeks at any moment.

"Don't cry" he whispered, leaving a light kiss on your forehead and you laughed. His lips were as soft as you pictured them in your dreams.

"Don't mind my wet eyes... I'm just- I've never felt this happy before"

He smiled, placing one hand on yours. "Let's hope this will never change then". You nodded, smiling even wider.

So, as the sun went down and the wind kept blowing, you stayed there, talking, laughing, making up for all the lost time, in that little clearing out of time, and you wished you could stay there forever...

“We should go now” Anthony got up from its place. “It’s getting dark”

Making your way back in the reality it felt like waking up from a long, sweet dream, one that makes you wish you could sleep forever.

Your carriage was already waiting you at the edge of the park. Anthony helped you get into it as the gentleman he was. “Goodnight, miss Y/L/N”

“Goodnight, Lord Bridgerton” you smiled down at him, your hand still in his. “And thank you for the wonderful day”

He smirked and kissed your knuckles lightly, lingering again on the same spot where he kissed you for the first time. “The pleasure was all mine, my lady. I shall see you soon”

“Of course” you whispered not capable of even breathing. Anthony smiled, letting go of your hand as a footboy closed the door of the carriage. Then the coachman incited the horses and you were off in the night.

Resting on the soft pillows inside, you sighed, your eyes fixed on the stars outside the window. “Until next time”

Tag list: @lady1505 @truly-insatiable @littlemissbridgerton @anthonybridgertonsmistress​ @chaoticgirl04 @xceafh @latekate1807 @peoniarose @bridg-09 @michael-loves-chickens​ @beckachicago3​ (tell me if you want to be added or removed💗)

[wcamino-confessions]

Saw we were talking about the "If I were a Boy" Squirrelflight amv so I wanted to throw in my two cents. I really didn't understand the ideas of why genderbending was bad for literal YEARS because it never made sense when it was explained to me. The concept of a female character being drawn or reinterpretated as male or vice versa was fun, because I also liked playing with the idea of how a character would present themselves in a society that primarily leaned into the patriarchy, if they were the opposite sex.

However, in the past few weeks I actually realized why that outlook in of itself is transphobic, mostly because I thought about it from my perspective as someone who doesn't indentify with gender. Gender and sex are not the same, this is not something up for debate. If I were to hypothetically be born with male anatomy, why would that suddenly change who I am, what I like and how I present myself? Granted, that would definitely have affected the way I grew up and was perceived by my peers, but, that's not the point here.

Fundamentally, someone who is cis and identifies as cis wouldn't feel the same in a different body. Transgender men, woman as well as nonbinary individuals have the potential to feel dysphoria. This is the feeling of disconnect between one's body or identity with their assigned sex in comparison to their actual gender identity. Dysphoria can cause severe stress, anxiety and even depression for trans individuals BECAUSE their body doesn't align with their identity and the feeling of looking at themselves or even thinking about the way the world around them perceives them BECAUSE of their assigned gender or biological sex can lead to immense stress, anxiety and/or depression. This isn't something that they would feel if they had been born exactly as they identified. By insinuating that just changing someone's sex at birth, they can effectively change every aspect about them completely erases this feeling of dysphoria to be exclusive to trans people. These characters would still identify the same way they do now, regardless of what sex they were born to be. By genderbending a character, we dismiss the fundamental principle of gender and gender identity. We instead say that someone who was a cis female wouldn't feel different or feel gender dysphoria if they became male. This is no different than saying that biological sex determines gender or that upbringing affects the gender identity of someone who is trans, which is a transphobic perspective that trans people have been fighting for YEARS. If I were dmab, would my perspective of the world, experiences, and upbringing be different? Sure, but would I become a different person entirely because of it? Would I suddenly stop liking the things I like? Would I suddenly identify differently than I do now? Would my dysphoria present itself differently as a different sex, or would I feel okay with myself and my identity?

Let's take Bramblestar for instance. Bramblestar in the amv is presented to be a passive member of their relationship. Suddenly, Bramblestar's entire identity has shifted from the strong, arrogant and selectively dismissive warrior he's been since the beginning to a much softer and tempered character. His doted on by Squirrelflight and instead of pulling away or putting the clan and duties first, he suddenly becomes understanding and loving in aspects where he wouldn't be before. He's a tragic character who was betrayed by Hawkfrost, who is excited and happy to be there for Squirrelflight and is standing tall BECAUSE Squirrelflight would never treat him the same way he treats her if the roles were reversed. The problem with that is that the roles were NEVER reversed. Bramblestar's relationship with Hawkfrost suddenly doesn't matter to Squirrelflight, they never bicker over nonsense do to conflicting perspectives. This insinuates that all of their fights stem from their biological sex, rather than their perspectives as individuals. Why does Bramblestar's sex determine how his personality and perspectives will shift? Bramblestar's arrogance, attitude and stubbornness suddenly disappear BECAUSE he has the perspective of being female? Look, I know that being afab does give you a female perspective in a patriarchal society but that doesn't stop you from being an asshole. Judging by the amv, he would still experience the exact same events that led to him growing up the way he did. He would still pull away from her to focus on his duties and dismiss issues he didn't value as severely. He does not suddenly become someone completely different just because he's a female.

And all of that is completely dismissing the discomfort or dysphoria any of these characters would feel throughout their lives despite comfortably identifying with their birth sex in canon! It's not all that hard to see how uncomfortable this might make someone who's trans when we make things like gender something so easy to just shift about as we please. The hardships and growth they've had to go through to be who they are today is not something so frivolous. If we dismiss gender identity as something tied to ones biological sex, yes we are being transphobic! It's also misogynistic to require characters that previously didn't need support of the opposite sex as male to suddenly need it as a female but that's it's own separate conversation entirely.

Feel free trans people to check me if I missed something btw! I don't identify with gender myself so it's been a rough journey trying to even comprehend the concept in of itself and I'm always open to learn more and improve my perspectives to help educate cis and other gender non-conforming folk!

[notafraidofredyellowandblue]

Flake interview 2020-01

Not a new interview, but relatively recent, Flake with "Der Standard" 2020-01 before an appearance of Flake in Vienna (author Stefan Weiss), don't think there's a translation on the website, so here's a shot..:

Rammstein keyboardist Flake: "The reunification was a mess"

Christian "Flake" Lorenz hits the keys not only as a keyboardist, but also as an author. A conversation about controversial views on the GDR, fireworks and climate protection

At Rammstein he is the "keyfucker" - GDR jargon for keyboard players. His real name is Christian Lorenz, but he has been calling himself "Flake", pronounced in German, of course, since his youth. For a quarter of a century, the native of East Berlin has been the alien in the German rock band, the thin freak among the strong musclemen. In the meantime, Flake also hits the keys as an author: In "An was ich mich so erinnern kann" (2015) he wrote down his GDR experiences, followed in 2017 with "Heute hat die Welt Geburtstag", a literary autobiography about Rammstein. On March 26, Flake will come to Vienna's Globe Theater for a reading.

STANDARD: We are currently celebrating 30 years of 'Die Wende' *1). Your joy is limited, as one knows. How do you perceive the anniversary?

Flake: 'Die Wende' and reunification of Germany have to be separated. I experienced the change as a punk at the time. The ossified old concrete headframe of the GDR Politburo was also our enemy. We didn't want this idiotic regime anymore and we fought to loosen it up. When the wall came down, we didn't know what to do with the freedom we suddenly had. But then began an incredibly exciting time in which we tried to develop professionally, politically and musically in every direction.

STANDARD: And then came the reunification.

Flake: A lot went wrong from then on. We were annexed as a useless country, entire biographies were declared worthless, companies were closed so that the western companies could expand. We have been reset to such an extent that resentment and disappointment have built that have persisted until now. By and large, the reunification in this form was a mess.

STANDARD: If you look at Germany's east today, right-wing populism has recently had great political success there. A legacy of reunification?

Flake: Many people are disappointed because certain promises have not been fulfilled. But they already had the political left in their lives, now they are trying it with the right. Personally, I cannot understand how one can vote for the AfD *2). But those who do are doing it in large part in protest against the mainstream parties. It is clear that the AfD cannot meet expectations either. If the AfD were to rule, many people would notice very quickly that it is not getting better, but worse.

STANDARD: You grew up in the East Berlin punk scene. What are the differences between the East and West punks?

Flake: There was a fundamental difference: the Ostpunks didn't need any money because life was absurdly cheap, rent around 25 marks. The koney you made from one concert lasted over a month. So you could make the music you wanted to make and not just the music that sells well. Absurdly enough, it made us very free.

STANDARD: There were also IM Stasi informers among your band colleagues at the time (IM: unofficial employee, note). Aren't you angry with the repressive surveillance state of the GDR?

Flake: I'm not angry with IM informers in the bands. Because their IM status often made it possible for the bands to exist at all. The Stasi didn't lock up its own people. The best example of this is the GDR band 'Die Firma'. It was founded by IM informers. The gag was that 'Die Firma' ('The Company') was actually a synonym for "Stasi". Covered by the Stasi, they then sang anti-subversive texts. Almost brilliant really.

STANDARD: Do you understand when it is said that the GDR was an injustice state and that Stasi repression was a kind of terror?

Flake: I can understand it when people say that who have experienced it and suffered from it. But personally, I can't say that the whole state was bad. I don't want to know how many innocent people have been or are being imprisoned and monitored in the West. I do not find the generalization of the "unjust state" okay.

STANDARD: Would Rammstein have been conceivable in the GDR?

Flake: We wouldn't have founded a band like Rammstein within the GDR because it would have been the wrong answer to this system. We founded Rammstein because we noticed that our punk music wasn't getting anywhere in the West. It took harder stuff.

STANDARD: You have retained a kind of socialism within the band. Nevertheless, Rammstein is a millionaire company. Were there moments when you thought: The money could not only destroy our character but also the band?

Flake: Rammstein is a company where money fluctuates a lot. We have a lot of employees, we buy tons of pyrotechnics, we have a huge stage, costumes, our own electricity network, we shoot extremely complex videos. The money that remains private can actually hardly harm us, because it is so limited. We really have to make sure that the plus-minus calculation works out.

STANDARD: In your book "Heute hat die Welt Geburtstag" you describe the 25 years of Rammstein as a long partnership: It has become calmer in bed, but you understand each other blindly. Is divorce even an option?

Flake: Divorce is definitely not an issue. It's like a very long marriage: You don't even think about divorce anymore.

STANDARD: In the midst of tough muscle men, you were always the figure that breaks everything, especially in the interaction with singer Til Lindemann, who sometimes roasts you on stage like a cockroach. It looks like the traditional comedian constellation white clown and stupid August, Laurel and Hardy with SM components. How important is that to the show?

Flake: We developed that more by accident. We never made it up: you are the strong one, I am the weak one. At our first concerts we always stood around very haphazardly, then we started pushing and provoking each other. When I watch a normal heavy metal band I get bored easily. We always have something going on.

STANDARD: Do you sometimes long for a role change at Rammstein? To be the strong one for once?

Flake: Nah, I have other worries. With those couple of concerts, I can handle my role well enough.

STANDARD: Can you even enjoy appearances or does that only come afterwards? After all, a Rammstein show is precision work.

Falke: What do you mean enjoy? I enjoy when everything runs smooth and everything works like a machine. There are good and bad concerts, at the good ones we take off like an airplane.

STANDARD: Rammstein mixes black romanticism with black humor. You yourself love the blues, which often sails in similar waters. Can you draw joy out of melancholy?

Flake: The blues is the best example of this. Sadness and comfort go hand in hand. All of popular music arose from a problem of the respective author. This is exactly what you want to hear when you are not feeling well yourself. During puberty you normally don't want to hear "Walking on Sunshine" either.

STANDARD: Traditionally, there is also joy in melancholy and morbidity in Vienna. Is that the Eastern European impact?

Flake: Slavic music is very melancholic, on the other hand the Goth culture comes from the west. So I wouldn't really pinpoint that to anything local.

STANDARD: It is said that Rammstein did more to preserve the German language than all the Goethe Institutes put together. Are you proud of that?

Flake: Yeah. But the interesting thing is that we are regarded more highly abroad than in our own country. In Germany there is a lot of ranting: We are dull and foolish about Germany - complete nonsense.

STANDARD: Rammstein has always been compared to the totalitarian parody band Laibach. They recently played in North Korea with the aim of appearing subversive. Is something like that conceivable for Rammstein?

Flake: We'd have to think very carefully about what we want and why we want it. If that were to help someone, okay - but only to be able to say, "We're subversive now," that's not an argument.

STANDARD: For reasons of climate protection, there is an increasing number of missile bans. A topic for Rammstein?

Flake: We played a concert in Chicago once. The local fire protection was so rigorous that we shouldn't even have lit a match. Complete ban on pyro. We went on stage and said: either we are leaving because we are not allowed to make a fire here, or we are playing without. The audience wanted the latter, of course. And it became one of our best shows. You have to weigh it up a bit: should you stop all things like a Rammstein show for climate reasons? But I totally understand that there shouldn't be any more bangs on New Year's Eve. I was in Vienna once at the turn of the year, and there was relatively little banging. I thought that was good. Berlin is one of the most terrifying cities on New Year's Eve. There it's pure aggression.

Notes:

*1) i kept 'Die Wende' as the term for the political transformation in east germany, not sure what the official english phrase is

*2) AfD, short for 'Alternative für Deutschland' or 'Alternative for Germany' is a right-wing populist political party, often characterized as far-right, known for its opposition to the European Union and immigration

[berlinbabylon]

1) Hello again! It's your fellow Greta-defender here :) It's just as well I didn't message you this past week--couldn't figure out how to word what I wanna tell you, particularly how deeply I relate to Benda, in a concise manner--b/c you were busy too. Anyway, should I assume that you won't be able to tag my suggestion for giffing a scene as perioddramaedit this time b/c you tagged the last scene as such? At least that's how I understood your explination re: labels. Please correct me if I'm

wrong; I want to understand & not be annoying. You're the only person I can talk to re: the show. I relate to Benda b/c I'm Jewish as well, on my mother's side. Her mother, my maternal grandma, barely survived Auschwitz in addition to several labor camps. Some of my great-aunts, a great-uncle, and my great-grandma, among others in the family, didn't make it. I feel terrible admitting that I'm a bit nervous telling you all this, simply b/c you're German. My discomfort is solely on me; it's your problem to grapple with or your responsibility to put me at ease. I know it's awful & stupid of me; I'm just trying to explain my POV & how I interact w/ the show. I was born & raised in a super small, super rural town in the Southeastern USA, where my family was one of 2 non-Christian families in the entire town. My only exposure to the German language was thru WW2 movies, so for many years--until BB came along, actually--hearing German made me nervous. (The food's pretty good though). My grandma's family is Hungarian, but she was born in what was then Czechoslovakia (now Southern Ukraine) near the mtns. So the cultures might overlap a little, at least in terms of food. This is SO long & I'm SO SORRY; I'll shut up soon; I got sidetracked. Anyway, my grandma became an atheist after the war, had little to say about much she'd experienced. I'd originally intended to tell you a lot of other things re: the show & Judaism, but I'll shut up now. Again, I'm really sorry.

First of all, sorry that I just saw these messages and thanks so much for sharing all of this! Please don’t apologize; it’s not awful or stupid of you to be nervous to talk about something this sensitive to a stranger on the internet, especially on Tumblr, where some people are just straight up... Nazis. Not that I think you thought I was one but even on a ‘normal level’ of discourse there are many awful takes floating around and it’s completely right to be cautious.

I’ve tried to type a response to this a few times now and deleted it again because it wasn’t adequate. I’m so sorry that your family went through that - I don’t say that as a German only but I do say it as a German as well, people who go all “Germans don’t need to feel guilty anymore” “#notallGermans” rarara etc can miss me. I don’t feel personally guilty as I wasn’t alive but I do believe the German people as a people have a responsibility to keep memory alive and make sure something like the Holocaust doesn’t happen again and I do believe that many more Germans who were alive during WWII were guilty of a personal involvement with and furtherment of mass murder and genocide than some popular narratives at the moment would like to make you believe. These sometimes come from Americans who are tired of Nazi villains from Hollywood movies who are more like comicbook caricatures than real people but running in the opposite direction isn’t a good approximation of reality either.

I believe that Babylon Berlin - similar to other German literature and films on the topic - is doing a good job of showing the different sentiments and mechanisms that led to the rise of Nazism in Germany and I think it’s important that people realize how deeply rooted in society many of the ideas and ideologies already were that would later come to their most terrible fruition in the Holocaust. And that many people who did not approve privately still didn’t speak out and became guilty of being a Mitläufer, someone who just... went along with what was happening although they realized it was wrong (and many saw a lot and sensed a lot of what was wrong, even if they didn’t actively participate, though many did that as well; if there’s interest, I would be happy to put together a post with some literature excerpts on this topic).

One aspect that is often missing from German views on the time, and also German history lessons which are thorough otherwise, is a detailed look at Jewish life as it was back then in Germany and other European countries. I believe there is some trepidation to talk about it because there is a kind of audacity to it, to first attempt to completely extinguish Jewish life and then a few generations lecture others on how it used to be. Certainly, many Ashkenazi Jews like Benda were often assimilated to the point that they were barely distinct from other Germans, patriotic or otherwise, especially those who had fought in WWI. But there was already discrimination during the Weimarer Republic and anti-Semitism was widespread (as we see with characters like Seegers and Wendt) and I hope we will see more of regular Jewish life and experiences on the show just as we will probably see more and more of that discrimination and the beginning of pogroms in coming seasons.

It’s a heavy topic, there’s a lot more that I would like to say but I think I’ll stop here. To end on lighter note: Any favorite food? :) There are definitely some food overlaps in central/eastern Europe!

(Oh and about the perioddramaedit tag, I think I figured out something else that made some of the posts disappear from the tags, so that shouldn’t be an issue anymore. Hopefully.)

[amethystina]

DVD Commentary Meme

I asked you all to send in passages of my writing that you wanted a DVD commentary for (as suggested in this post right here) and @the-flightoficarus chose a scene from You Only Live Twice:  “The passage that starts like "Tony wasn't sure where all the rage was coming from. The others were shouting — about Loki, the cube, S.H.I.E.L.D creating weapons — but the majority of Tony's anger was directed at Steve. That made very little sense, seeing as Steve was one of his oldest and truest friends."

I apologise for the lateness of this, but life has been a little hectic lately. Anyway! On to the commentary! It’s a little long so I will put it below the cut. Enjoy!

Tony wasn't sure where all the rage was coming from. [Tony is wise enough to tell that something is wrong, but Loki’s staff is clearly working some of it’s magic here. I don’t think Tony sees himself as an angry person, which is why this confuses him so much.] The others were shouting — about Loki, the cube, S.H.I.E.L.D creating weapons — but the majority of Tony's anger was directed at Steve. That made very little sense, seeing as Steve was one of his oldest and truest friends. [In the original, I felt like at least some of the initial spark of anger in this argument (from Tony’s side, at least) came from Howard and his views on Tony vs. Steve, which, obviously, isn’t a thing in this fic. But I figured that Tony would still focus on Steve while under the staff’s influence, because that’s what Tony does — it’s the people closest to him who gets under his skin. They’re the ones who have the power to hurt him and the staff would exploit that.]

Sure, there had been times when Tony wanted to rearrange his annoyingly perfect face or snap at him to stop being so fucking self-righteous all the time, but never before had he felt this angry. Never before had he felt such a need to genuinely hurt Steve. [I wanted to add a hint of reluctance, especially in the last sentence. The emphasis on “hurt” was meant to show just how foreign that concept actually is to Tony. He doesn’t want to hurt Steve — the words is not one he’s used to associating with Steve, and, again, Tony is confused and struggling somewhat against the influence of the staff.]

If the cold disgust in Steve's eyes was anything to go by, the feeling was mutual. [I debated whether to use “disgust” or “disappointment” here, but realised the latter was better used as describing Steve’s voice in the next sentence. Both are meant to show that even if Tony doesn’t have the complex of growing up with Howard telling him stories about Captain America, he still feels a bit inferior. I think Tony can shrug off disgust from a lot of people, but not Steve.]

"You've changed," Steve grit out, the disappointment in his voice cutting deeper than Tony liked to admit. "You used to fight for what was good in the world." [Obviously, I couldn’t use the original reason for this fight seeing as Steve and Tony knew each other during the war, but I chose to keep the part where Steve must have been filled in by S.H.I.E.L.D. and gotten a warped view of Tony’s actions the last couple of years. To some degree, Steve does think that Tony has changed for the worse, but could easily change his mind if given the right information.]

"I still do."

"Really? I've seen the footage. You created a world of war and suffering �� you only care about yourself and how much money you can make." [That’s pretty uncalled for, if you ask me, but, again, Steve is misinformed and under the influence of the staff.] Steve was towering, but Tony didn't let himself back down. "That's not the man I knew. You're not what you used to be." [Again, there’s a grain of truth here. Tony HAS changed. He’s not the same man Steve knew and I think he’s had a hard time accepting that. Tony is more jaded than during the war and Steve has noticed — and doesn’t quite know how to deal with it. The staff blows that out of proportion and turns it into an accusation when, really, it’s something Steve’s concerned about — something that makes him worry about Tony and his health. Stupid staff.]

"Maybe that's because I wasn't literally frozen for over half a century?" Tony spat back. "Times change. People change. You're the one who's outdated and obsolete, Steve." [I do enjoy how these two became polar opposites in this fic. Tony who has lived through centuries and symbolises change, and Steve who’s been frozen for seventy years and remained more or less static. Steve catches up pretty quickly, obviously, but it’s an interesting detail. Tony takes PRIDE in being able to change — that’s how he’s survived for so long — so he would use that against Steve in an argument. Tony knows that if you stagnate, you might die. Though I do want to point out that Tony is lying through his teeth — he doesn’t think Steve will ever be obsolete — he’s just trying to gain ground.]

"And you're just a big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?" [You knew it had to be there, I knew it had to be there. I couldn’t disappoint, could I?]

"The man who helped create you. Or have you forgotten that?" [This is obviously a big change from the original conversation. A lot of the dialogue had to be changed to fit the new circumstances and this is, perhaps, the two sentences I’m the least pleased with, but they do the job, I suppose. I tried to make up for it by adding a heavier finish to Tony’s statement — one most people recognise.] Tony stepped closer, jaw clenched in anger. "You're a lab rat. Everything special about you came out of a bottle." [Tony is lying SO MUCH. In this story he actually knows how good of a person Steve is, but they’re both too stubborn and caught up in the argument to really see what they’re doing — how much they’re hurting each other.]

Steve seemed inches away from baring his teeth, but instead a cold, ruthless mask settled over his face. [Steve almost continues to argue like a normal person, but then decides to go for the kill. Becase he us Savage As Fuck.] "Bucky would be ashamed of you, if he saw what you've become." [Not going to lie: I wrote this whole scene just because I wanted to add this sentence right here, because I knew how much it would hurt — especially coming from Steve. The moment I decided to write this fic, I knew I had to add this sentence during this fight. You’re welcome.]

The words hit Tony hard enough to make him flinch. [It’s a bit tragic that Tony didn’t expect Steve to say something quite this hurtful. They’re arguing, sure, but Bucky is Off Limits for the both of them, so he wasn’t at all prepared to have that thrown in his face. And I figured Steve would be the one to break that rule, mostly because of the staff’s influence, sure, but also because he’s ruthless when he’s displeased. He doesn’t mince words, does he?] For a split second he forgot how to breathe. All the anger evaporated, leaving behind a suffocating cascade of grief and self-loathing. [And this is the point where Tony shakes off the staff’s influence, without even trying. Because as powerful as Loki’s staff is, it has NOTHING on Tony’s self-loathing. It can break any spell, surely, even this one. Tony’s emotions has had YEARS to fester and Steve bringing it out like this will thrown Tony off balance entirely, to the point where he just forgets to be angry because he’s too busy being sad. Someone please give Tony a hug.]

And Steve was right. Tony knew Steve was right. [Some more self-loathing, because Tony has a PhD in it.]

Tony swallowed and quickly averted his gaze. [Tony doesn’t see it, but this is where Steve snaps out of it as well. During the scene in the movie, the characters did break eye contact and such and still remained aggitated, sure, but I figured it’s a little different here because Tony flips from aggressive to dejected in a matter of seconds, and Steve would notice — and Steve’s kindness and protectiveness would kick in, much like Tony’s self-loathing, and essentially take back control. When Steve sees that Tony is truly upset, all thoughts of fighting are pushed aside in favour of wanting to console his friend, especially since those thoughts weren’t his own in the first place.] The others were still arguing around them but Tony couldn't hear the words over the ringing in his ears. He felt Steve's hand, though, gripping his arm. Tony couldn't even find the strength to pull out of the grip. [This is not Steve trying to pick a physical fight, but Steve trying to get Tony to look at him — to see how much damage he’s caused. In short: Steve is panicking.]

Some masochistic part of him urged him to look up. To his surprise, Steve didn't look angry. His blue eyes were filled with regret, horror, and confusion — as if he had just woken up from a bad dream. [Steve, once himself, is appalled by what he said, yes. To use Bucky as a mean to hurt Tony is inexcusable, and he knows that. I can say for a fact that it takes Steve years to forgive himself for this, no matter if the words were said under the influence of Loki’s staff.]

"Tony," Steve breathed, his voice soft and hesitant, "I didn't—" [Steve tries to apologise straight away, let’s give him credit for that.]

The sudden explosion that rocked the Helicarrier was a relief for how it managed to knock Tony's world back into focus. He fell to the floor, holding back a pained groan. [You have to be pretty desperate to find relief in being thrown to the floor during an explosion. But that’s Tony for you — running away from his problems through any means necessary.] Sounds returned, the alarm blaring, and Tony caught Steve's gaze through the curling smoke. [I really liked how this part looked in the movie — right after the explosion — and finding words to describe it was a joy.]

"Put on the suit." [Because some pieces of dialogue had to be kept, obviously.]

"Yeah," Tony agreed, both scrambling to get to their feet. [And then they run off to save the Helicarrier instead of apologising and resolving their issues! Yay for angst and drama! I think Tony is grateful, though. He would prefer to never talk about this conversation ever again, I’m sure.]

And that’s that! I hope you enjoyed it! A big thank you to @the-flightoficarus for making the request <3

[malpractice123]

The Chronicles of M&M... FINALE

So, it's been almost 3 years since my last post of the Chronicles of M&M. After I posted that, a lot of people messaged me with words of encouragement or questions etc. Well, here's an update because I kinda feel obligated to post it. I've read stories where the author doesn't finish them or I can't find the next part and it tears me apart trying to figure out what the hell happened, so here's what happened. Be warned, it's a long one (also, slight trigger warning for self harm and weight issues) So on November 29th, 2014, my high school had its last football game. I'm not sure what information I put in my last posts, but I know I said he was section leader of the sousaphones and I was section leader of the flutes. So, this was our last football game of our senior year, our last marching band show. I had wandered up towards the sousaphones and was talking with them during our free time, pouting about how he was off somewhere else doing God knows what (I found out later that he was looking for me). Finally, in the last couple minutes of our free time, I found him by the side of the bleachers. We huddled together for warmth and he put his arm around me (squee!). I stole some of his fries and we huddled together until free time was over. After the game we went back to the bus and cuddled up under a fleece blanket, trying to get warm. This was the day we had our first date. We went to the movies after the game and saw Big Hero 6. I spent most of the movie either cooing at the adorableness of Baymax or begging him silently to hold my hand (he didn't until we were walking out of the movie theater). Fast forward to December 10th. We have our first kiss in his pick-up truck. I still know exactly what I was wearing. We spent every moment together that we could, either just sitting in the parking lot after school or meeting up at one of our houses. We went to our band's semi-formal (it was my first dance where I had an actual date) and we went to prom together. So finally, it comes to leaving for college. We were both really torn up about this. We were scared that, even though we would only be half an hour away from each other, the distance would hurt our relationship. During this exchange we both cried in each other's arms for a very long time. Eventually I mustered up the ability to give him what I had planned to. I took my special bow ring off of my finger and gave it to him. I told him that, whenever he missed me or was having a particularly difficult time at school, that he would always have me and that no matter what, I'd be close to his heart. He put it on a chain and never took it off. He fiddled with it constantly and I don't know if he ever took it off. Over the next year I fell farther and farther in love with this man. He was my best friend in the entire world. He knew all of my secrets and knew the best ways to make me smile. Like a naive teenager, I started visualizing our future, naming children, talking about how the house was going to look and where it was going to be. He was 100% in on this plan and often helped make them. Usually his were the more fun, outrageous ideas (i.e. a wave pool in the backyard) and they always made me laugh and feel good because he was so passionate about the future and he knew exactly what he wanted out of life. I couldn't imagine my life without him. We bought bus tickets to get from place to place as neither of us had cars. We went to football games and went ice skating. I met all of his friends and he met mine. Over the summer after freshmen year, we both had jobs that worked us hard, but we managed to hang out a lot. My favorite was when we went to a drive in movie at a place close by. We packed up an air mattress, a bunch of blankets and pillows, and watched the movies while snacking on kit-kats and Reese's. We watched the Independence day fireworks together, and I couldn't have asked for a better time. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Sophomore year of college things changed. He was able to have his truck on campus so that would, supposedly make it easier for us to see each other. We were both excited and hopeful that this semester would go better for both of us. However, he was insistent on focusing on grades and school. I could accept this. Around Halloween, we started talking less and less. We grew distant and I was scared. I didn't really have all that many friends in college, and wasn't involved in much. So I felt like all I had was him. And I thought I was losing him. When I came back for Thanksgiving break, he told me we needed to talk, and he met me at my house after I had a doctor's appointment (I'd been having a lot of health problems and I didn't know what the heck it was). When he pulled up he got out and he was crying. He told me he thought we should break up. He said we didn't have anything in common anymore and he wanted somebody who went outside more (I'm addicted to Tumblr, what the hell was I supposed to do). Anyways, we broke up, but kept talking. I couldn't lose my best friend like that. I was really upset that the reason he didn't think we should date anymore was the fact that we didn't​ have anything in common anymore. So I typed up all my reasons for why I didn't think we should break up. He said he'd think about it. And a couple days later (officially the 30th of November, the day after our 2 year anniversary) he asked me to be his girlfriend again. My life was back in order. I had my best friend back. Things went back to the way they were. It was almost like nothing had happened. The second semester started and with it came hell in the form of school and workload. We became very wrapped up in work, and after February, we practically didn't see each other at all. Spring break came and went (we had different times for break, which made things really shitty) and we were back in school. His birthday was in March so I figured I'd go back on birth control and surprise him for his 20th birthday (we are both consenting adults, deep breaths). But we didn't see each other for his birthday. Every time I wanted to see him there was some reason we couldn't. Exams or projects for his dorm council etc. We stopped skyping (it had been our lifeline for the past 2 years). My grades were gradually getting better after the hell my health had put me through, and even though I felt like a piece of me was drifting away, I figured that it would get better in the summer when we could see each other without school stress and homework. Fast forward to the last day of school. He had been out of school for a week at that point and at home for a week off before he started working at the same place he did last year. My parents spring on me that my dad had accepted a job in another state (the state we are originally from) and we were moving at the end of the summer. My heart drops and I realize that moving out of state wasn't going to bring us together. If anything it would do the opposite. So I did what I usually do when I don't know what to do and I'm scared and upset. I called my best friend. I told him what was happening, and I asked if he would just try, try and keep this up and work on it. I would still be going to the same college, so we'd be close during school, but I'd be living in a different state at other times. The silence I got from that was deafening. Finally it got out that he realized he didn't love me the same anymore. That he wasn't willing to put in the effort needed for this relationship to work out. And that maybe it wasn't meant to be. At this point I clarified that this was it, that we were over, and hung up, going to throw up in the bathroom and cry the rest of my guts out. Over the next couple days we continued to talk. I knew that this time it was over for real, and no matter how much effort I poured into it that it wouldn't fix it. But I still needed my best friend. Especially now that my family was moving. I was asking him reasons why and everything. Surprisingly, when I talked to him about things I was okay, but whenever my parents came to talk to me about something or offered that we go out and shop or whatever (looking at new colleges was a very big thing at this point) I would break down and regress back into the depression and slight self-harm tendencies that I'd gone through before we had moved to the state we live in now. But talking with him made it better. I could calm down, he could say something to make it all better. Eventually I got up the courage to ask the question that had been going through my mind, if him not being in love with me the same way had anything to do with my weight. He admitted that, although he didn't want it to, my weight had been a factor. Side-notes about the weight - When we started dating in high school I was just under 140 lbs. I was happy with my body and my weight. Then college. Everybody knows what happens in college. My freshman 15 turned into a freshmen 30, then a sophomore 30. Now I weigh approximately 190 lbs. I had been working hard and have lost 10ish pounds in the past couple months because I wanted to work on it. I wasn't happy with my body and it was getting really frustrating that I didn't have clothing that fit. So I had started to work on my weight. I knew that I didn't look the same as I did in high school. And I wasn't proud of that fact. This was something that I had shared with him frequently. He encouraged me to start working on it. I found a friend and we had started to work out together. Anyways, before y'all get all uppity about how my weight shouldn't have any say in the relationship and it doesn't matter what you look like etc, if he didn't find me attractive anymore, then he shouldn't have to pretend he does, right? He was upset about this himself, saying it made him feel like somebody he didn't want to be, who valued looks more than personality. I understand where he is coming from, and this won't send me on a spiral into eating disorders and such. Currently (it being just over a week since this happened), I am okay. I've started more vigorously adhering to a diet and have plans set in place for exercise. I've been accepted into a nursing program at a satellite campus for the college I have been attending for the past 2 years. I got a 93.3% on the TEAS exam (a nursing entrance exam where the national average is a 64%) which placed me in the 99th percentile of people who have taken it. This post isn't meant to bring in pity or sympathy. I'm not trying to gain attention for what happened to me or anything. I just wanted to finish out something I started almost 3 years ago and talk out what happened because typing all this stuff felt really good. If anybody is still reading at this point, feel free to PM me any questions or anything, I'd be happy to answer them. Anybody needing advice is welcome too, though I can't promise any professional advise or anything, remember, I too am merely a Tumblr addict and you may just get a response with a picture of a cat or a Harry Potter meme… Less than three, Me :)