#well it did so im just gonna take an anxiety med & try to relax as much as i can

[endersdead]

oooobh the anxiety

[angelblumes]

ello ive been sleepy 😴 9 hrs eryday lately but ofc I got neck pain 🙄 I got hit on by an old dude who tried to ask me for s** ugh I got extremely objectified.. dysphoria hit me after that also got triggered because of memories of a similar past experience 🤪 im good tho now I've been listening to music to go to bed very relaxing, I discovered jack harlows music he's alright also did you see lil nas new music industry baby? Idk if you like that kinda music but im sure you can appreciate the mv . Im also afraid of bugs I know were the same person at this point, mine started with the butterfly episode of spongebob 💀 😂 my winter depression is coming my summer anxiety is mostly GONE tho which is good in some ways bad in others. who do you watch on youtube just for curiosity ? my meds are late 😪 Idk if im gonna have tomorrows, here's something fun fact abt me tho, Wellbutrin xl , some personality to the me if you ... idk ppls kind of medicines says things abt them idk idk ✌ ☮ ❤ 🤟🤙🤙❤🌷

hiiiiii! so sorry that happened:( i'll kill him for you. i take welbutrin too......... we are so connected. my music taste is insane i listen to a lot of stuff but also nothing. i like lil nas x but i dont listen to his stuff. and jack harlow sounds familiar but... yeah. my youtube taste is awful. popular commentary people most of the time. but for actually good youtubers...eleanor neale, mina le, khadija mbowe... my friends and i talk abt nexpo's videos a lot. i tried to give some variety. um dude i've been totally awful recently to be honest. lost a friend group over stupid shit. again.😭. last ask i mentioned my friend mischa? we are no longer friends. literally an hour after i answered your ask. i'm trying to get over it but 💔. im going to baltimore tomorrow!!!! well today in 7 hours. haha. i need to sleep. i'm excited but nervous bc i feel super sick the past couple days :( a 4 and a half hour car trip will not help. i've completely changed my hannibal serial killer idea. oops. im such a genius for the last one but now im like ughhh but i want it to be PERSONAL. someone my oc knowssss. and can eventually kill. so im trying to work w that. trying to make her like an artist and the killer is copying her art but with murder... its a work in progress. i read one where a guy was copying the murders in a book series someone wrote. i saw my psychiatrist and she was proud of me🥺😭. got put on guant-something for adhd. yahoo. if it doesn't work i finally will get to try stimulants or whatever. i just have the feeling thats what im gonna need LMAO! last but not least i forgot to do my homework tonight. um.... and its due sunday and we're leaving to baltimore til tuesday. and i need my laptop to do it. but then i'd have to bring the stupid thing..... ok i'll just bring it. and do it at night secretly and pretend i didnt forget about it. perfect. its a really easy practice quiz but i'm a cheater. i need my laptop so i can search the answers on my phone. i have no excuse for this

[strawberries-n-sugar]

Okay, I found this blog and I found her request which I relate to so much constantly so I wanted to do it. Warnings, cussing, lots and lots of cussing and screaming and tears, maybe hint of really dark talk if you are triggered by that; I'm not sure how to describe it unless you actually read, reader has been mentally abused manipulated and taken advantage of her whole life and it takes tole, stress and exhaustion, mentally breaking, loathing life and your job, bitterness and hatred of people, a kind person growing tired and angry. Tom and reader's relationship is open for the reader to decide and please keep in mind whereas this has some realistic topics it is FANFICTION, not meant to offend or disrespect anyone

Can someone write me a fic, where the main character comes home pissed off at a coworker, stressed out. She's ready to beat her down and Tom Hiddleston calms her down @traceyaudette

You had gotten off of work well over an hour ago after getting off nearly two hours late. When you first got off you were fuming, still talking at 20 miles a minute and Tom could barely understand every third word that passed through your lips. He had tried to speak with you but that seemed like it wasn't going to happen so now he sat and let you blow off some steam and stress from work. At this point you had calmed down a bit, sort of, he could understand you now at least. What you were saying now sounded like English anyway. This was actually a normal thing, almost daily. He hated it for you to say the least.

"I am just so tired of being screamed at! Im tired! I am so so tired of everyone yelling at me! They won't stop yelling! I'm a fuck up, I get that but damn it I am trying so fucking hard and I am doing my best! I'm sorry I am not perfect! Im trying! Im trying! I know I'm not good enough because Im co stantly told, I always have been! Daddy told me! Teachers! Momma! Teachers! Principals! Friends! Boyfriends! Girlfriends! Now my managers and coworkers! I try my fucking damdest to be nice but sometimes I think I am too nice! The only person who ever thought I was good enough was my aunt and I know I have let her down by now! The bad part is I didn't know I was tired and fucked up until a few years ago! And now I cant stop it! I know I am being mistreated and manipulated now and I can't stop it because Im scared! I am only allowed to smile, grit my teeth, apologize and bare it! He will never put more on you than you can take?! Bullshit! Look at me! I'm fucked up and fucked in the head! I am suposed to be grown and-Im so tired! When I do try to defend myself I either get in trouble or don't get taken seriously and Im always told I have a choice but I don't! As soon as I make the wrong choice it bites me in the ass! With the situation now what I don't understand is that if I am so horrible then get someone else! Oh wait, they cant because noone else will take what I do and it is a job noone else wants to do and that is what I am there for! I just want to go to school so I can get out! I want to be happy!! I don't want to quit anymore, I just want to die!" You scream while sobbing and your pain and anguish are obvious. Often times when you got off like this you and Tom would argue and most of the time the worst bits of your breakdowns occured coincedsntally when he was awaya nd you were alone. He knew it was bad but he never imagined this and it broke his heart.

"One day! One day mark my fucking words, I'm gonna get pissed and Ill make somebody listen to me!" You declare and he pushes himself off of his seat, walking over to you. He takes your face in his hands and tries to wipe some of the tears as away. You choke on a lump in your throat causing a sputtered cough and you sniffle all while trying to catch your breath.

"Everybody expects me to smile and bare it and that's all I am able to do but one day Ima' get mad. I will burn it all down. I am about to press faces to fryers."

"Breathe," he coaxes you sensing you begin to start hyperventalating at the verge of an anxiety attack. You swallow again trying to stop crying and it is silent for several moments as he waits for you to try and pull yourself together the best that you can. He uses his thumb to dry your face. "I don't have any tissues handy," he smiles a little, trying to urge you to laugh and it works, "thats it, breathe," he coaches you.

When you are finally only sniffleing and wiping your own face he kisses your head and pulls it to his chest, holding it there with his arms around you. "Alright, here is what is going to happen. Do you need to have a appoinment to be put on your meds again, perhaps a higher dosage?" You shake your head no. "Alright, then do you want therapy?" You shrug honestly, part of you did but the part of you didn't want to be basically called crazy again. "Okay, then I will help you go to school and do all we need to do to get you out of that job," he kisses the top of your head. "Just hang on a bit longer," he rubs your back. You nod against his chest, his heartbeat soothing you as well as the embrace and the words.

"For the moment, you are off for the evening and there is only me and you. You don't have to deal with customers, or managers, or coworkers any more this evening so let's try to relax and you can enjoy yourself and then get some rest. I will get you a nice hot bath, and then we can curl up on the sofa and watch a film, and then I will take you to sleep when I see you are ready to go to bed. How does that sound?"

"Perfect," you smile and hug his waist.

He smiles and walks to draw the bath for you then walks you to the bathroom as he rubs your shoulders, "I'll make snacks and choose a movie," he leaves you to have alone time but leaves the door open. You soak for a bit and when you come out after slipping into some soft comfy warm clothes including your cat sweater and some pajama pants you come out to the kitchen with the sleeves pulled over your hand and your hand by your mouth feeling like a tired and exhasted child with blood shot eyes blown large and innocent.

He smiles at you and walks to the sofa with you, he sits with a arm over you, bringing your head to his lap. He had snacks set out on the table and he turned the movie on. You fall asleep about halfway through the movie and he carries you to bed, kissing your forehead goodnight

[unknowngirl199424-blog]

Pt. 3

Now being the pretty innocent girl i was. I smoked weed very occasionally. Drank every now and then. But that was it really. I smoked cigs. Stupid choice i made at an even more stupid young age. I was 13 when i tried it. 15 when i started smoking every day. (My parents knew, they didn't care) my younger sister had been smoking for years. She partied a lot. Drank a lot. Smoked a lot. Took a lot of pills. Would steal my moms pain pills that she needed from the back surgeries. Mom would run out at the end of the month and would bawl... Literally wail in pain. And it never stopped my sister. I caught her several times. Id get pissed. Ask her wtf she was doing, or why... But she never stopped. I never told... I was drowning in depression. It started when i was 13. After my grandma passed. I changed... She was my world.

My parents partied ALOT!

Used LOTS of drugs...

Ranging from just weed, to coke, to meth...

The first half of my life... From birth till... 14? I think was when they quit all the hard shit for good. They were just... Mom and dad. I mean i loved them, i respected them, but... I didn't have anything to compare it to. It was normal for me to walk in and see light bulbs just randomly on the coffee table.

It was normal for me to wake my sis up in the morning, helping her get dressed, teeth brushed, food in her belly and out the door waiting on the bus. Every day. We lived in the country about 20 miles from town where our friends were. So all we had was each other. In the summer as soon as the sun started to show, 7:00ish. My parents would rush into our room. One would wake up me while the other would wake my sister. Rush us up and to get dressed and outside. We'd be outside alllllllllll day long in the summer in Oklahoma heat. They'd have friends over and lock the doors. We played. Sometimes the friends would bring their kids and we'd run around and play all day. I was a tom boy. I had scarred bloody knees almost daily from wrecking my bike. Would just walk around the property we lived on. Played with our dogs. Pissed off snakes that liked to live in the barn or chicken coop. I ran a lot. BUT IT WAS NORMAL TO ME. They started to quit when i was 12. Then grandma passed. They started again. Didn't stop for good until mom was hurt and dad was fired for pissing dirty for weed, coke, and meth. He was rehired 6 months later. But shit was rough at the time. So after losing my grandma. I went into myself. She loved me, took care of me. Gave me what i wanted and needed. I basically broke. I was never really an over joyous kid. I was raped and molested by my cousin. And so i always carried pain. But grandma was who made me happy. She passed. And from that point in my life from 13 to 18. I cut a lot. I was emotionless most days. But some days I'd break and cry for hours. For the longest time i thought i was depressed because of grandma. But i realized... Depression is a disease. And once you get a good dose of it, it stays. It twists and folds and wiggles its way into every fibre of your being and clings. And bad things that go on add to it and over time, you are eye level deep terrified you're gonna go under soon and no one will notice. Well over the years shit was added. Once I realised i could.... Not feel the pain and sadness... I latched on. Over time the occasional smoking weed went to every day several times a day. Drinking came up for awhile but i hated feeling like shit the next day so i quit. My ex gave me a pain pill one day.

I realised that not only could i get away from the pain and depression, i could feel fucking amazing while doing so. So it started out ya know. Once a week. Just one. To 2 a week to 4 a week to at least 1 every day. When we went up north. Pills were every where. Drugs in general. And i wanted to experience things. We had fun. Went lots of places. Did lots of things. Parties, festivals, fairs, amusement parks, museums, art museums, craft fairs, art stores, book stores, malls, movie theaters.. Just... it was great. I met her friends. They were like her. We partied a lot. I was soley living in the moment for once instead of striving to please everyone else. It was a stupid choice. But it was my choice. Over the years. The fun with it stopped... it became a nessecity. She got shitty and mean sober and i was just as miserable. I wanted happiness not that. Her dad would give us pain pills every day and muscle relaxers. If we did literally anything for him he'd pay us in pills. My ex was also prescribed pain pills too! We'd go through them so quick and then he'd give them to us so we didn't go through withdrawal. By year 3 (2015) I'm 21. I'm working a few months here a few months there. Living the same daily cycle. My day didn't start until pills were thrown down my throat. The habit got bad. I was to a point i was taking fucking handfulls of pills. Daily. And didn't feel ok until then. The few days i didn't have them, i literally slept all day and all night. I was burying my issues with a dark coping mechanism.

I started falling out of love. I left her once last year and we got back together the next day. I told her she couldn't keep stopping me from leaving because it was making me hate her. She wouldnt let go. We stayed together for 4 months. I broke up with her and moved back to oklahoma the beginning of this year. But she was my comfort. Pills were my comfort. After being here for 4 months i let her come back. It was bad. I got back into pills again and one day i told her i didn't want to be with her anyone. She was here for a month at that point. But she wasn't trying to work. She wouldn't do anything. But look for pills. I told her i was done. She gave me some pills. I didn't know what they were but she told me they were for anxiety. And i was really upset. So i took them. We kept arguing. She kept giving me more. My parents stopped by to drop something off, i guess i was wayyyyy out of it. They leave. The fight blows up. I tell her i want her gone. She kept refusing. Idk what happened. It was like a light switch went off. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and sliced my wrist up for the first time ever... I only cut my stomach and thighs as a teen. She came around the corner and saw what i was doing and broke a glass vase i had. She ran over and grabbed the blade. Started yanking it from me. I guess we fought over it pretty hard cuz all i remember was it flying across the room and when i got back 6 days later it was soooo bent up.

She kept going and going and i grabbed a piece of glass and cut, she got it away and i just collapsed to the floor. She tried hugging me. I screamed at her for being toxic for me. To not touch me. To just call my mom. My mom shows up. Its like 11:30 at night at this point and she freaks out. My ex starts shit with her. They argue. I scream at them that they needed to stop and mom took me to the er. I guess by that point i was in and out of consciousness. One thing i do remember was seeing an old teacher that i had from yearrrrs ago when i went to a vocational school to become a certified nurse aid. I really looked up to her at 17. Admired her. She was a Dr there in the er. It was humialting. I cried. I guess i pissed in a cup for em or something. I don't remember. But they told my mom (which i didn't find out till almost a week later) that i was overdosing. That all of what i took hadn't caught up and that's why i was talking really crazy and blacking out. I don't remember. But the next morning i wake up. There was a cop sitting next to my bed. 20 mins later im being handcuffed and put in a cruiser and drove over a hr to a phych place. Guess the dr asked me the night before what would happen if i went home and i said i didn't know. So they legally put me there for 5 days so i couldn't be any harm to myself.

5 good things about being put there.

1. I had no access to pills, alcohol, even cigarettes. So i was very very clear headed. The first time in almost 6 years. Had time to think about where tf my life has landed me.

2. I realized how fucking truly bad our relationship was. And came to the conclusion that if we stayed together. One, if not both of us was gonna end up in a casket. Whether it be from pills or not. It was gonna happen.

3. I realized that i deserved wayyyy better. Relationship wise. Life wise. I deserved someone who could push me in the healthy direction. Make positive choices. I felt like instead of maturing, i was still trapped in an 18 yr olds mentality.

4. I ended it. And that time i meant it. There's nothing she could offer me. That would make me go back. Not a million dollars, not a billion, not even all the stars in the sky. I have nothing for her.

5. I met someone who treats me amazing now. Who pushes me. Keeps me away from the shit. I've been pain pill free for 5 months and its staying that way.

And for once... I'm starting to actually feel happy. Genuinely. I was prescribed anti depressants, anti anxiety, and a sleep disorder med. I stopped taking the anti depressants because they made it worse. But im to the point where the good days finally out weigh the bad. And when the bad come, i roll with it.

For the new year. I have a few goals.

1. Continue all the hard work ive put into myself. Keep eating healthy. Keep exercising. Keep pushing myself forward. No more settling for less what what i truly want.

2. Stay tf away from pain pills. 👍 keep fighting that demon in me who whispers how good I would feel or how one wouldn't hurt...

3. Quit smoking cigs. They're killing me. My lungs hurt all the time.

4. Continue bettering my life. I got away from her for 4 months and i had my own home, vehicle, and a high paying easy job. Brought her back for a month, had a suicidal moment. But she's gone and im in a great relationship. And I'm fucking HAPPY!

5. Quit being so fucking hard on myself. I hate the way i look, i hate my body. But they can be changed. Stress over things that need it but relax more. I'm 24. I still have time.

I STILL HAVE FUCKIN TIME

[tumblunni]

Me in the hospital: i cannot sleep for 24 hours, the slightest noise is blaring, i am perpetually anxiety adrenaline

As soon as i get home: has the best sleep of my life

I usually take an hour to get to sleep each night but i totally just curled up like a snail and dropped into dreamland instantly. And i woke up to a nice warm house cos the heating turned on while i was asleep, and now all the anesthetic is completely worn off so i feel energized and great! And my throat pain has eased up so thankfully i wont have to be liquids only for as long as i thought. I was all hyperactive and cooked a great fancy omelette and it tastes like heaven itself! Its so weird how stuff tastes slightly diffetent when its the first time youve been able to chew with the right side of your mouth in five years. I guess the tastebuds on the sides of your tongue are slightly different? When i eat everything now im gonna be rolling it all over my mouth like WOW ITS ALL SO NEW AGAIN! Will probably look nuts in the middle of mcdonalds with my cheeks puffed like a squirrel XD

Oh and this is also a great excuse to drink loads of chocolate milkshakes from my milkshake viking mug! I feel so energized with calcium and yums!! EVERYTHING TASTES SO NEWWWWWWW

Oh man i do feel a bit sleepy again now after just being up for a few hours tho. I have these good jaw pain specific medicines i have to take for the next two weeks til my followup appointment to check if theres any infection left. But man i feel SO ALIVE AGAIN im pretty sure all the rot is gone! It feels so wild having space in my mouth and not constant clenchy tightness. It actually hurts less recovering from the surgery than it did before, lol! I can feel all my teeth moving apart again and loosening up into normality and the gums healing up all their injuries and oh god i just love how they cleaned out all the broken parts of my teeth and capped them with these great replacements that look so real you'd never be able to tell! My smile looks not ugly!! My smile looks not ugly!! Aaaaa! I just expected regaining the right side of my mouth, i didbt expect to e like "holy shit it must have hurt even more than i realized cos this feels so amazing now". Like i guess i got used to putting up with it and forgot how it felt to not have painmouth? Underestimated how good a teeth can be! And man i never asked for reconstructive cosmetic stuff too but they did these caps and aaa my teeth never looked his good even when they were new!! My front teeth were always crooked even before they did the weird balogna slam together and shattered into a pile of crap. And now they look like perfect supermodel teeth!! The only side effect is that its a lil hard to get used to the lack of gaps between them now after so long dealing with the shattered mess. My tongue keeps being like "oh no did something get stuck in the gaps again oh wait there arent any" and then i subconsciously try to clean them after taking every bite and just bite my tongue instead. Man i never noticed i picked up a bunch of weird mannerismd cos of tje bad teeth! I was constantly paranoidly checking my mouth 24/7 in case the slightest thing made it even worse, and eating super gently so that nothing accidentally touched the Wrong Tooth and set off a jolt of pain. And i actually needed to get a filling put in on the leftmost back tooth that was the ONLY TOOTH I COULD USE TO EAT WITHOUT PAIN for all this time! Overuse of it meant that it got ground down a little and probably would have become painful too if i'd left it any longer. Then i really would have been all soups all the time and that sucks!! Soups are good but nothing but then gives u stomach issues. The bad poops!!

Man sorry im rambling so much im just so hyper and happy and also still kinda dopily sleepy! Im not still delirious or anything i just feel the happy kind of sleepy where the anesthetic is all gone and its not "oh god i cant stay awake" and more natural sleepyness of a long day being over and everything being okay. I had such a good long nap and i feel well rested after getting so little sleep beforehand due to all the dumb anxiety. And i still feel dozey but happy doze~

Anyway its awesometo be able to really chug and crunch a foods! With the other side of my mouth i forgot about! And taste milkshake to its fullest extent!! Oh and whats weird is that the reconstructive surgery capping on my front teeth means that theyre kinda one tooth now? The caps are all linked in a single piece to fill the gaps fully without even the natural ones you'd have on healthy teeth. So its like a solid tooth guard just sculpted to look like three teeth. Itll be tricky to train myself out of thts subconcious rubbing the gaps with my tongue when theyre not even there. But i expect once i get over the unfamiliarity this triple cap will be really useful! Theyre totes reinforced so that even if i do get tight mouth problems again and the front teeth take the brunt of the pressure, now theres no gaps to smash into each other and become a painful mess. Its like scaffolding reinforcing my whole mouth by fixing the loadbearing beam, or something.

Oh also these pain meds make u a little bit more sleepy than normal paracetamol so i'll probably doze off again soon. But hopefully i will have slept off most of the "healing debt exhaustion" tomorrow and will be able to go walk down the shops and buy some icecream and other soft food. I mostly stocked up on purely liquid food cos i tjought my mouth function would be more limited. But honestly the teeth are working so much better than before, they were already so swollen and painful that i couldnt crunch stuff! Now the mild discomfort of mid-healing from surgery feels like barely anything and i bet i could bite thru a goddamn rock right now! I just cant really swallow crunchy stuff or stuff thats too salty or citrusy. I didnt even know about the stabbity throat pipe so i didnt expect it to be the most painful part that takes the longest to heal. It feels so weird cos i keep coughing like my brain thinks theres phelgm stuck in my throat when its actually a skin flap/blister from the insertion. So obviously that aint going anywhere and i have to try and force myself not to cough or swallow or else i set off this cjain of "must get thing out of throat must puke" reflex. And the pain feels like a sore throat but it isnt?? Its not really inflamed ot anything its just an actual friction burn on the opening of my airway. Which is not a common occurance so the brain is justvlike "what the fuck is happening, must send all contradicting signals at once!" So sore throat medicine wont work cos that goes down your throat passage to your stomach when really this lil skin tag blister thing is in the lung throat opening thing. And sucking on throat sweets made it worse cos all the muscles were really tense around the area where the tube was inserted, hence why it was hard to swallow food even tho it was my windpipe that hurt. And sucking on something is kinda like perpetually swallowing nothing, when you think about it? Im glad that the muscle tenseness is mostly gone now and the painkillers are helping with the ouch, and my brainis getting usedto not coughing and making it worse. But still should eat soft easily swallowable stuff for a lil while and it'll be fun to go aroundthe shops with my last pocketful of change and find neat ingredients to stick in omelettes. Im so excited to taste all my favourite things in new HD functional mouth power!!! And i can smile at the shopkeeper!!!

And oh man i really do think that my sleeping problems with stiff neck and that kind of 'bloodrush to the head' migraine were indeed part of the bad wisdom teeth bleeding internally under the gum. I thought it had to be that cos nothing else in my life changed around that time aside from getting a better and healthier bed which should have been beneficial to my neck. And even going back to sleepong on the floor like before didnt make a difference so it definately wasnt the bed! And it kept getting worse while nothing was changing, and i kept trying different things like changing my pillows and headphones and cutting caffeine out of my diet and eating more salt and eating less salt and fuckin ANYTHING ELSE cos i knew if it really was the dumb tooth being infected then there was nothong i could do about it til my surgery day arrived. Itd be such a relief to know for sure that it was indeed the tooth and now that nonsense is gonna be gone forever! But also thats really worrying to know that it was getting so bad it could have spread an infection to my jawbone and the top of my spine if itd been left much longer. I kept sneezing up blood lumps like the size of a fifty pence piece! Had never had nosebleeds for a decade and now suddenly all the time! God it feels so good to be able to lay my head down and not feel all woozy and tense im the forehead or neck. I really hope this good neck untenseness continues and the awful aches really were just the tooth. But everyone in the hospital was so nice that i think even if i do need a second surgery to check for jaw infection then id be able to be less nervoud than i was this time

Man do u ever get that thing where youre so peaceful and contented that like you can breathe easier? Like subconciously taking bigger breaths and the middle of your chest feels slightly puffed out and warm. I guess thats what the "heart leaping in yout chest" idiom is meant to refer to, lol! Or maybe i can just literally breathe easier cos the tooth pain might have been passing into my nasal cavity too, lol. My entire head feels so less tense!! Its like all my bones were rebelling against me and now they're at peace again!! Man i feel so giddy happy like i chugged a giant energy drink or something but its the opposite its a good sleeps drink XD

So im gonna go lie down again and have a relax and watch a movie or something and see if i pass out when the medicine kicks in, or if its not too bad and i can still continue my hyper mood. But my nap was so long that its too late to go to the shops now anyway so i'll just make more plain omelette and milkshake if i get hungry. I mean it doesnt taste plain when all my sense of taste is so amplified likethis! I dont mind if its all i can eat all week. PURE MILKSHAKEY DECADENCE

Aaaaa im just so happy!! I missed my chance to get the new. Kingdlm hearts but ive beenwaiting fkr this surgery for ages too and it feels like just as much of an exciting relief!

[crunkmom]

...

11/19/22

12:03 am

feeling: content

listening 2: wildfire - shygirl

well… today i decided to stop treating myself like shit and did a little self care day. ngl i haven’t been taking care of myself like i should. i basically just showered, did skin care and ate as soon as i got up. i haven’t been eating much or eating when i know that im hungry which is a bad thing … i’ve been doin that shit since i was a teenager .. guess it’s just a adhd thing or sum… LOL. speaking of adhd i feel like i need to see a doctor in terms of it … like im thinking of meds cuz my adhd has been burning me the FUCK out. i’m tired of dealing w it man.. i just been raw dogging it frfr. but anyways i’ve been feeling a lot better. i don’t feel sad and defeated like i’ve been for the past few weeks . just been trying to stay busy . i’m just chillin w my one of my homies rn .. talking about life and shit. i’m just sitting here thinking .. i really need to reach out more and hang out w my friends irl .. i don’t wanna spend my 20’s not doing shit at all because of my social anxiety, fear of being judged and i lowkey be having trust issues from time to time because of past friendships that went down the drain .. that’s another thing i need to heal from. i also quit my shitty amazon job. it was SO stressful and wasn’t enjoyable anymore .. not for me. i was basically gonna quit cuz we’re in the process of moving rn and other things too in terms of mental health. tbh i’m still deciding if i wanna move out of town or not. i just wanna say fuck it and do something like resort living somewhere a few hours away just for a month or two to relax and think about things. after that i’ll consider moving into a apartment like i was planning to. i think i’ll be in a better mindset and i’ll know what i’ll really want by then. i’m so excited tho. i can’t wait to be alone and chillin in my own crib. well off i go .. lol.. i prob might play something or watch some anime. one of my homies put me on erased.. it’s a really good show so far ! we watched the first 4 episodes 2gether. i might watch some more alone.. it’s a sad show but strangely comforting. 

[suit-lady]

With All My Heart.

Pairing: Harrison Osterfield x Reader

Summary: This is a drabble request from this drabble list (yeah, that’s how old this req is. rip anon im so sorry). #21: “I’m bulletproof... but please don’t shoot me.” and #28: “How drunk was I?”  Alternatively, Harrison begins to worry that he might be losing you, and he lets all his feelings out when he’s wasted.

Warnings: Cursing maybe? Drunkenness. Harrison cries. (why do i do this)

Word Count: 1600 exactly (I’m on a roll my dudes)

A/N: This ended up being cuter than I thought it was going to be LMAO... yes I promise this one has a happy ending okay

Finally. After what seemed like an eternity, Tom and your longtime boyfriend, Harrison, were home from filming and press things. They were spending the afternoon and evening being showered in “welcome home”s by their families, but you’d already called the evening. Once they were over at your apartment, they weren’t going home for the night. They knew they were having a few drinks, but you’d pulled a few strings and gotten a whole group of their old college friends together… and they were all extremely ready to party with their old friend Spider-Man.

You greeted the duo at the door after shushing the twenty plus people in your apartment. Once they’d hugged you and gotten the chance to take off their coats, all of your guests jumped out from their hiding places. The yell of “surprise” rang at an incredible volume, and the shock on Tom and Harrison’s faces was beyond worth it. Smiling widely, Haz pulled you into a hug.

“You did this for us?”

“Of course I did, babe.”

You pledged sobriety so that Harrison and Tom would let loose. Spending most of your time DJ’ing and bartending from your spot in the kitchen, you watch your boys have the time of their lives with their friends. They were both smashed by one, but you knew they would be. By two, everyone except your duo had gotten rides home, and you were helping Tom to bed.

“Stay right here, okay?” you told a half-coherent Haz as you slung Tom’s arm around your shoulder.

“Yeah, babe.”

“Fuck, Tom, you need to lay off the boxing.” You drug your friend to the guest room with exactly no help from him. If he hadn’t been still singing some song from The Greatest Showman under his breath, you would have been sure he was passed the fuck out. He did pass out pretty much as soon as you flopped him over onto the bed. “Thanks for the help, buddy,” you said as you covered him up so that he didn’t freeze overnight.

When you came back to Harrison, he was curled up on the couch. You touched his shoulder gently, but he flinched away from you. Frowning, you sat down on the floor next to him. You tried again, much more slowly this time, resting your hand on his shoulder when he seemed to relax.

“Baby, are you okay?”

“I’m bulletproof, but please… don’t shoot me.” His voice was muffled against the couch.

“Haz… What do you mean?” you asked, worry straining your voice.

He shifted, flipping over so quickly that you were taken aback. As he sat up, he took your wrist and pulled you up onto your knees. It was obvious that he’d been crying. On most occasions, Haz wasn’t a sad drunk, so something must be very wrong. He pressed a long, soft kiss to your forehead, and you waited for him to speak.

“Am I enough?” His words echoed with sorrow in the pitch-dark den.

Your heart ached at his words. “Harrison, honey… why would you ever ask me that?”

“Well,” he started as he pulled you up further. You climbed into his lap while he paused, covering his left shoulder in feather-like kisses. “I just… with filming and stuff… I’m not around nearly as much anymore… and I’m just worried that there;s something better for you out there. Y’know? Someone who can be here for you all the time instead of only being able to tell you everything is gonna be okay over a phone call… or worse, just a text message. The time zones are so fucked up, (Y/N), and it makes me so worried that you’re gonna find someone else who can love you all the time when I can only love you sometimes… It’s just not fair to you that I’m leaving you behind all the time and you have to figure out how to do everything without me while I’m off doing these crazy things and having the time of my life with Tom… I just wanna share my life with you… (Y/N), I’m so in love with you, but there are so many nights that I lie awake wondering if that night is gonna be the night that I lose you to someone else.”

His thoughts were a jumbled mess, and he only paused to take in shaky breaths. You guessed he was trying his hardest not to cry. Swallowing down your own tears, you wrapped your arms around him and pulled him as close to you as you could. Your heart was breaking over the fact that he felt like this.

“Harrison, that’s crazy. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t here all the time. I’m in love with you, no matter how many hours ahead or behind you are, no matter how much time a day we get to spend talking to each other, no matter how much life we have to do separate right now. It’s okay. Please, don’t think that I’m gonna leave you over convenience. You’re the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with and absolutely nothing is going to change that.”

You leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. “You do?” he whispered after a long pause.

“Of course I do.”

His smile brightened the room like morning sunshine. Standing, he picked you up and spun you around, telling you that he loved you over and over and over again, and you told him you loved him too every single time. His anxiety finally subsiding, he stumbled off to your bedroom and dropped you on the bed before collapsing there himself. Before long, you were both unconscious to the world.

 -

 You woke up long before Harrison or Tom, as usual when they had wild nights at your place. To surprise Haz, you went out to the store and bought a gorgeous bouquet of roses and set them out on your kitchen counter. You fixed a lovely hangover breakfast of eggs, bacon, and pancakes, paired with fresh strawberries that you’d grabbed while you were out. Eventually, the smell of delicious food drew your boys into the room. Tom stumbled in first, eyes closed against the bright sunlight filtering into the room. Soon, Harrison followed, massaging his temples with his fingers.

His eyes landed on the roses, and he picked up the little note you’d written him. “Oh, fuck… How drunk was I last night?”

“Well,” you started, rubbing the back of your neck, “just how long had you been keeping that from me?”

“Pal, you didn’t,” Tom said, refilling his coffee mug. “I told you that was fucking ridiculous.”

“You told Tom first?”

Harrison’s eyes shifted to the ground. “I started worrying about it in China in August… And being away for filming for Chaos Walking made it a whole lot worse… Bad enough to make me lose it while drunk… Sorry, babe.”

“Haz, it’s okay… I just want you to know that I agree with Tom, that you’re ridiculous, and that I love you more than anything, okay?”

Harrison pulled you in for a long kiss, one that he only broke because Tom started making gagging noises. “I love you too, (Y/N).”

The morning was mostly uneventful, both Tom and Harrison taking things easy. Tom went straight back to bed after breakfast, grunting when you asked if he wanted any pain meds. Sharing a shrug with your boyfriend, you decided to let him battle the hangover on his own. Your guest bed was really comfortable anyways, and the dark green blinds didn’t let in the slightest bit of light when closed.

After you’d done up the dishes, Haz dragged you back to bed. He insisted on just lying around and cuddling, even though you felt very well-rested and ready to go out and do things. Today, however, you let Harrison have his way because the night before had been… quite eventful. You both shed your sweatpants and cuddled up to each other in your underwear.

“I missed this,” you said at the same time.

The pair of you were silent for a long time, both drifting in and out of sleep. Every once in a while, you would hear Harrison hum in thought. You would always look up expectantly, but he kept shaking his head. After a while, he broke the silence.

“This is really what you want?”

You gave him a look. “Yes, baby. I don’t want anyone else but you, ever.”

“Even if we don’t get to spend every moment together?”

“Yes, of course.”

“No matter how crazy life could get down the road?”

“No matter what.”

“You’re so sure… that you’d maybe say you wanna spend the rest of your life with me?”

You felt your face heat up. “You remember last night.”

“I’m starting to,” he admitted. “Did you really mean that?”

You gently caressed his face. “With all my heart.”

Then, you felt his soft lips against yours. Harrison was usually passionate when he kissed you, but this was different. Confident. As if he was telling you he felt the same way through the kiss. You kissed back with all the intensity you could muster, and the kiss left you both absolutely breathless.

“I love you, (Y/N).”

“I love you too, Harrison.”

 Two months later, right before he had to leave again, Harrison surprised you with a promise ring, engraved on the inside with the phrase, “With all my heart.” You couldn’t help but cry, and you wore it constantly if only as a reminder of how lucky you were to have him.

 Fin.

[neenieweenie]

hi i’m gonna rant for a minute

my 6-8 page research paper is due monday and i still haven’t started it. i don’t even know how to start and it’s stressing me out because there’s so much to write and so much more research i still want to do and connections between subtopics that i want to develop but it’s spring break so i also just want to relax bc school has really been kicking my ass lately and i’m just so tired

i bought a stuffed lion the other day (like one of those kinda realistic big ones) but now that the excitement and novelty is starting to wear off i feel really stupid for getting it even though i really do love it but it just reminds me of how happy i was when i bought it and i feel like im never gonna feel that rush of excitement ever again

i had an apush assignment due on friday that i procrastinated doing to the point where i completely forgot about it. like i full on cleaned my room to avoid it. i only wanted to avoid it because it involved reading a few pages of information and then answering text-based questions on it, which is one of my least favorite types of assignments bc i’m always worried about accidentally missing something. i finally did it this morning and it only took me like 20 minutes tops and now i feel ridiculous for avoiding it for so long

i want to go downstairs and just watch tv with my mom but i know that if i do she’ll just try to make me work on my research paper which is the absolute last thing i want to do right now

my school has been doing a hybrid model all year (half of us go in monday/tuesday, everyone else goes in thursday/friday, everyone is home wednesday) but after this week they’re sending us back in full time. i don’t understand how the administration thinks that’s a good idea, especially since people will be traveling to places like florida which is in really bad shape and then don’t even ask them to quarantine when they get back. every day i count at least 6 people who aren’t wearing their mask properly, which is even more insane if you consider that i’m only seeing the people in my immediate area, that number is already cut in half, it’s only the people who i can directly see as i walk down the hallway, and i only start counting at the end of the school day. there’s no way to maintain 6 feet social distance in those small classrooms with a full class and we’ve had 90+ reported cases (WITH the hybrid model) at the school this year alone, more than double what every other school in the area has reported, and i still don’t know why they think this is a good idea

i was only just able to schedule my first vaccine appointment on the 24th of april and since minors can only get the pfizer vaccine, i’ll have to wait 21 days to get the second dose, and even then i won’t technically be fully vaccinated for another week after that, so i won’t be immune until may 22 at the earliest.

that means i’ll have to spend several weeks in school full time with a bunch of nasty, irresponsible teenagers, unvaccinated, and i won’t even get to learn from home for half the week. i love the hybrid model. i’m thriving on the hybrid model.

my pediatrician keeps talking about eventually stopping my adhd medication and i don’t understand how no one sees what a terrible idea that is. all of my academic classes are either advanced or ap and i’m doing really well right now, but i definitely won’t be if i have to stop taking the one thing that keeps me from completely checking out for the entire class and subsequently learning nothing and then falling behind to the point where i can’t even begin to catch up with the rest of my peers. the thought of stopping my meds ever gives me so much anxiety and i don’t even want to think scott how hard i would crash and burn if i suddenly stopped

and i should definitely be talking about all of this with my therapist but i only see her every two weeks and i was supposed to see her today but since it’s spring break i won’t be seeing her again until next monday (mere hours after my paper is due) so i’m just sitting here and suffering through my endless stress until i can see her again

[psychosunflower-blog]

You get sick||Why don't we||Preference two♡

Summary:They take care of you while your sick♡

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2126

Jonah Marais- When Jonah woke up at 3:30am on a Friday morning to the sound of you puking he got up instantly, running to the bathroom and pulling your hair back as he sat down next to you and rubbing your back with a wash cloth ready to wipe your mouth when you were done.

By the time you had finished emptying your stomach you looked up at your boyfriend of 8 months with tears in your eyes, you had never experienced stomach pain so bad in your life.

"Come here princess"Jonah said opening his arms as he leaned against the wall of your bathroom. You crawled into his arms, resting your head on his chest while his arms wrapped around your waist.

After a while of sitting there and your tears and pain didn't stop Jonah whispered 'hold on' and picked you up as you wrapped your legs around his waist and his hand found a place on your bum. Unsure of what he was doing but having full trust in him, you buried your head farther into his neck as you felt him walk down the stairs and into the kitchen. Jonah turned on the lights before setting you down on the kitchen Island and going to the medicine cupboard to find the tums and some flu meds. You hadn't been feeling well since the two of had gotten home from the Fancy dinner Jonah had taken you out hours before.

"You think you have food poisoning baby?" Jonah asked handing you a cup off water and some advil and placing the tums on the counter next to you and standing between your legs.

"Mhm" You sighed placing your throbbing head back on his chest.

"I just wanna go to sleep" You whispered as Jonah placed a kiss on your head before picking you back up and bringing you back up to the room you shared where you two cuddled while he sung you back to sleep and when you woke up the next morning you felt better and it was all thanks to your amazing boyfriend Jonah.

Daniel Seavey- When Daniel and the boys got back from the studio to the house you and the boys shared he was confused when he didn't see you up and about like you normally did. When Daniel walked into the two you two shared and saw the tissues all over the bed and your head under the covers he knew it meant only one thing-you were sick.

"Baby why didn't you call me at the studio? I would have come home and I would have brought soup" He asked shuffling over to the bed as you let out a groan and removed the duvet from your head to expose your horrible bed head and red nose as Daniel let out a chuckle as he took a look at his girlfriend.

"I didn't wanna bug you baby, your working so hard on the new *sneeze* album and I didn't want to interrupt you" You sniffled as he crawled into bed with you and pulled you into his arms.

"What have I told you? Day or night if you need me just call me and Ill be there" He said causing a sick chuckle to fall from your lips.

"Hot boy quotes himself to me. is it wrong if that makes me love you more?" You asked causing a large laugh to now fall from his lips, it was like music to your ears. It even made you feel a little better but that was until a huge coffee attack came and then Daniel got up causing a cry to come from you. He had been gone for 6 hours and all you wanted to do was nap with him.

"Ill be back, I'm going to get you cold meds and your favourite soup" He smiled before bending down and placing a kiss on your extremely warm forehead causing his eyes to go wide.

"Baby your burning up?!" He exclaimed before running into the shared bathroom you two had and got a face cloth from the drawer and soaked it in some cool water before coming back into the room and placing it on your face.

"Cheesy Potato Bacon for Tims right?!" Your horsed called out before he opened the door to your room.

"I wouldn't dream about getting you any other kind of soup dear" he called out before closing the door behind him causing a tired smile to fall on your face before you closed your eyes and fell back asleep until Danny came back.

Jack Avery- Rolling over you let a huge groan as every bone in your body ached but you heard your phone go off playing something different and right away you knew it was Jack calling and if you had ignored it he would have started to worry. Picking up your phone that laid on Jacks side of the bed you slid the answer button to the FaceTime call and waited for his face to pop up.

"Hey babygir- you don't look so good, are you okay?" He asked, worry completely filling his face as he looked at you.

"Just a flu I think, I feel like shit but ill be fine" You told him, trying your best to give him the 'don't worry' smile but today it wasn't feeling well.

"Jonah give me your phone for a second" He called turning his face away from the phone causing you to assume Jonah was the boy sitting next to him.

You watched as he started typing on Jonahs phone and then looked up at you with a smile.

"How much do you love me?" He asked as he handed Jonah back his phone.

"With my whole heart you goof and you know that, why?" You asked with a tired chuckle, closing your eyes for a moment as dizziness took over your whole body. Fucking colds.

"Well since we are in New York and Im not there to take care of you and we both know you don't take care of yourself when your sick Ive got Logan bringing over the flu meds that don't make you loopy and your favourite food from Panera" He said causing a smile to fall on your face, a huge one. Jack was always doing cute things like this, he was always finding some way to take care of you and show you he loves you, he was amazing.

"I love you noodles, so much" you whispered before feeling tiredness fall back on you.

"Get some more rest baby, Logan has a key. I love you princess" He whispered, you felt chills down your spine as it almost felt like he was right there with you, the last thing you hear was the call end, but not without Jack saying that he loves you once more.

That might before he went to bed he sent you a text making sure you had eaten and taken some meds, no one had ever cared for you as much as him.

Zach Herron- You, Zach and the boys had gone on a small vacation just a few hours away from the city to a beautiful beach house that was absolutely breath taking, you had been there for about 3 days out of the two weeks you guys were planning to stay there when you started getting horribly sick. You were puking and coughing like crazy and Zach hadn't left your side since it had started happening.

"How you feeling baby?" He asked as you laid with your head on his chest and his fingers playing with hair trying to do anything to make the pain go away.

"Can I have some more advil?" You croaked, your throat in extreme pain from puking and coughing so much.

"Not yet princess but soon, Daniel should be back with your food and actually cold meds for you" He whispered placing a kiss on your forehead.

"Im not hungry" You whispered, snuggling your head deeper into his chest.

"Y/n baby, you gotta eat something. Its almost been twenty four hours and thats extremely unhealthy baby" He said, you could hear the seriousness in his voice, Truthfully Zach had never been so worried about you, all the boys were telling him that it was just a flu or a bug and that You'd be fine but every time he followed you into the bathroom to hold your hair back he felt his heart break even more. Zach had horrible anxiety and always worried that normal things were something so much worse, such as a flu being cancer. He couldn't help but worry about the love of his life.

"Zach baby, its just a bug okay? I will be fine in a few days but yes, Ill eat something if it will make you feel any better. I just feel bad that this is how your spending your vacation" You frowned, placing a kiss on his lower shoulder.

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than here taking care of you princess, I love you" He told you, kissing your forehead for the millionth time because he knew it relaxed your body.

Corbyn Besson- You woke up on your couch from a nap to pounding on your door. Sitting up quickly as you had been startled you looked around to see the sun had gone down and you were sweating like crazy.

Walking Dizzly to the door you opened it to see a worry Corbyn at the other end of the door.

"Y/n are you okay?! Ive been calling you for the last hour and No one has heard from you since two" He said as you stood out of the way so he could walk into your apartment.

"I um-What time is it?" You asked confused as you shut the heavy brown apartment door and looking at him confused.

"Its almost 11pm, Ive been so worried about you baby" Your blonde boyfriend of three months whispered walking closer to you and pulling you closer as he put his hands on your hip.

"I um- f-fell asleep. Im not feeling so well" You whispered closing your eyes making Corbyns whole face drain with worry, he had never seen you like this before. Placing his hands on your forehead his eyes almost popped out of head.

"Baby, your burning up! You need a cool shower, Ill try and find something for you to take while your in there" He said rushing you towards the bathroom.

"Corbyn I don't think I can stand. Im extremely dizzy" You whispered, you could hardly keep your eyes open, everything was blurry.

Corbyn was officially freaking out now, he had never been so worried about you in his whole life.

"Wheres your Advil baby? We gotta break the fever?" He asked sitting you down on your couch, you directed him to the bathroom cabinet filled with different things and he came back with a bottle of pills and a cup of water.

After you had taken the pills Corbyn picked you up and brought you to the bathroom before turning on the shower and he turned to you.

"Im gonna help you into the shower okay? I know we still aren't 100% in that place yet and you know I respect that but baby this fever is extremely high and a shower is the only way I know how to bring it down" he told you, if you weren't sick and on the verge of passing out you were almost positive you would have told him you loved him right there and then.

Since you and Corbyn had started dating he had done amazing and beautiful things like this, he had made you feel respected and love and cared for without even trying. He was an over all amazing human being.

Stripping you down into nothing but your underwear he brought you into the shower where the not too cold but not too warm water either and sat with you at the bottom of the bath with you in-between his legs. Placing kisses on your wet head as he whispered sweet nothings in your ear.

You started feeling better after about half an hour later and Corbyn helped you get out and dried you off before bringing you in your room to get changed. Putting his hoodie on you before finding Pj shorts in your bottom drawer and helping you slip them on.

After tucking you into bed he placed a kiss on your forehead and waited until he thought you were asleep before he got off the chair in the corner of your room and headed towards the door.

"Please stay" you whispered before he could leave. You just wanted him, he made you feel better, he made you feel safe and when you were sick that was all you ever needed. He was all you ever needed.

[currentlyprocrastinating]

okay i got my coffee and a chocolate croissant. it's 11:18 p.m. — lezzgo baybeeee

OOOH OKAY SO. first things first, the fine print on the very first page!!

the RFA really doing EVERYTHING to make sure Saeran and his lover get a break from the world's cruelties 💞

and yes i do find it very interesting that V is the one who signed this 👀 I always forget V's exact fate in Saeran's AE Good Ending, so i feel unequipped to comment on this. it could be something they just slap onto anything like this — or, who knows, maybe Jumin forged the signature. on one hand, that doesn't seem like something Jumin would do. On the other hand, it does seem like something he would do for Saeran and MC, considering everything else he's doing for them. and i think Jumin would probably know V's signature pretty well. it just seems like something he would know. lol.

of course, it's still very possible V did sign it for real and just isn't involved in any other way in this process. if that were the case, i wonder if it would be something to lift V's mood a little. Knowing that Saeran and MC get the chance to finally relax, and that the RFA is working so hard to ensure their happiness in the upcoming trip. I can hear his voice now, picture his expression, the words he might say...

...Now, time to crack this baby open for real!

WHAHAVSJAVSUEVJWJ

CHERITZ I FCKING LOVE YOU

the jokes never end

also can someone tell me why im smiling so hard at just Saeran's passport photo

like he's not-

okay. i was gonna say he's not even smiling but like

i simp over these pics too, and others like them, so i have no room to talk 💀

alright, next page now!

...ah...i have to do some translating... ㅜwㅜ

well, thats alright! its part of the fun

anyways his doodles are cute af of course. also i cant help but be curious about what his meds are for specifically.

if i had to take a very off-the-top-of-my-head guess, i'd say maybe headaches and anxiety? maybe a sleep aid? although, i don't think this trip takes place too long after the AE. its definitely before the last CG we see with the choi twins and MC in the flower field. it's been so long since i was last diagnosed with something new, i cant remember how long the process takes. besides all sorts of other complications such as lack of identity, medical history, etc. So maybe they aren't for anxiety...

Hmm. i'm probably missing something, aren't i? welp, it's bound to happen when it's 11:40 p.m., i havent slept well in WEEKS, and im running on extra strong-caffeinated coffee and a chocolate croissant LOL.

i'll move on from that for now!

btw his handwriting is so pretty. and he's literally capable of writing fonts.

jealous lowkey 🥲

okay hah uh as a non-native speaker i'm having a stroke trying to figure out the way he writes some characters 💀

anyways, so the following pages as well, of course, continue to tell the story, thru his doodles, of where they went and what they did. u got the classic love/heart locks; they ate spicy food, rode a tandem bike (or maybe didn't? his doodle is going •_• and theres a note in korean beside it lmao), visited gardens, took pics in photobooths, went to the beach, the aquarium, tried more food... a lot! lol

...i feel stupid. LOL. all of that was the "Korea" section, stuff they just did in Korea. look, guys, cut me some slack, i'm begging you 😅😭

so now we're on the USA section! (no more translating notes! yayyy! /lh. well, except for a few still lol)

WHAT ABOUT UR SKIN??? SAERAN??? SIR YOU ARE PALER THAN ME PLS WEAR SUNSCREEN

Ajwhgsjwhsj so!! each of the 3 sections starts off with a page like this. a section of doodles of what he's bringing (and asking himself, "will this be enough?"), a couple notes to himself, and then a to-do list in doodle form (with a cute photo of him and mc, too)

its quite clear at this point that saeran is very into matching outfits, and that is fcking ADORABLE

so! their time in the states. they visits staples (not the. not the store. im realizing now how— okay i'll stop) such as what new york has to offer (Central Park and the Empire State Building in particular are mentioned. ...isnt there a lot of squirrels in Central Park? ah, i digress.)

they visit hawaii, too! beach days, beach days, beach days! and i certainly have not been blind to all the flowers doodled around here, either! i am just...! too hyperfocused to figure out which flower they each are and look up their meanings lmao ^^;; i'll probably do it later and add it in a reblog.

anyways, swimming, sunsets, fishies, sandcastles, smores! there's doodles of all that here, and (s)more!

next is mexico!!! so this section is primarily en español~ not much of a problem for me, if my 4 years of spanish meant anything lmao :'D

oooh interesting... they wrote "to-do list" in spanish this time. i wonder why they didn't write it in korean in the korea section?

anyways. it looks like we have a time stamp!! saeran mentions día de los muertos which is november 2nd. which i think puts my timing with him and squirrel... pretty on point? okay okay, i'd have to put mexico 2nd instead of 3rd but yeah!

also one thing ive noticed is that he's doodled the room number for each place theyve stayed in. i wonder if that means something or if its just a little touch of detail.

oh shoot i hit the image limit, lemme continue this in a reblog

GUYS GUYS GUYS ITS HERE!!! ITS FINALLY HERE!

[terumiafuro]

bleh 

god today i’m just... very stressed about my future and it’s really multifaceted. it’s definitely partly bc my anxiety is High bc something reminded me of my trauma the other day so last night was somniphobia central but even after taking a 2 hr nap (i wasnt sleeping all two hours but im def more well-rested) i’m just... blergh

for one dunkin didn’t give me a straight answer about if i’m coming back, like i literally went there this morning and talked to the assistant manager face to face and she said they were reviewing applications so they’d pull mine up from last year and then she asked about my availability which makes me think that it’s gonna be like, they give me the weird hours no one wants? and last year part of why i liked the job was bc getting shifts out of the way in the morning was REALLY nice, bc then i was awake and i had the afternoons free, but if she has me closing regularly or god forbid opening (opening shifts at dunks start at 3:30-4:30 AM depending on the day) like i genuinely just... might not do it? and if they don’t get back to me i have to try to find a seasonal job within like 2 months while being literally 500 miles away

and part of me just doesn’t want to get a job bc asking for time off/working out schedules last summer was so immensely stressful and maybe it’ll be less so with a COMPETENT manager but since they’ve been so obtuse with communications i doubt it and i just. i just want a nice relaxing summer? school has been so absurdly stressful for me and like frankly, i’m miserable 90% of the time? the only reason i’ve kind of taken transferring to a school in maryland (like jhu most likely bc its the only one at like the same level) off the table is bc ive had SUCH good experiences with classes and professors, esp in the department i want to major in. and it sucks so much bc this was my DREAM school, i cried for hours after getting in i was so happy, but i’m miserable? and like the idea of taking a semester off is just scary as shit bc its just not like... the normal path

and i’m so stressed about my plans long term, my dad tried to have a conversation with me the other day about my plans for the summer and then he was like “and what are your long term plans?” and i mumbled off something about med school maybe or something in public health and he was like “you know, if you really want to do anything in public health you need to be a physician” which is like wow! great! fucking great! and i dipped out of that convo REAL fast but i’ve just been avoiding thinking about med school since my mom and i argued about it when i was home for katsu and she basically said that i shouldn’t be thinking about it for now and it stings so much bc i have NO idea what else i’d do that would make me happy but i don’t know if i can deal with it emotionally, i don’t know if i can deal with the stress of the profession. and i think it’s worse given that like... my dad doesnt get my mental health the way my mom does, he was like, top of his class two varsity sports in hs, played college sports and graduated magna cum laude from college and got his masters and his med degree at a time when med school admissions were super less competitive than they are now and so i think he has this mindset of like “well /i/ did it so why can’t you?”

and like this is something it would be great to talk to my therapist about but i’m in this weird situation where i never went back to seeing my boston therapist bc we didnt mesh but also bc i tricked myself into thinking i was at a point where i could cope with my PTSD on my own and like i guess i could start seeing my md psych again this summer but like? that’s just ANOTHER thing to stress about. i don’t know. today’s not a good day i’m just trying to think through things and the future is scary as shit