#well if 'do it scared' doesnt work i can always try to logic myself out of my anxiety

[arielluva]

trying to hammer "do it scared" into my brain bc i have to meet with a counselor on zoom tmrw and i so desperately dont want to do it even though i should....

[the-sanders-sides]

(wtit spoiler warning)

unpopular opinion, but im not really a big fan of the idea of the orange side being wrath or anger. while similar to inside out, the sides arent really emotions; rather, they are your different conflicting thought processes when you work through a problem. you have the side of you that is logical and knows the facts and tries to use reason to solve things, the side of you that focuses on your morals and tries to use steadfast loyalty to your values to solve problems. there is the side that is anxious and tries to use to make use of fear to protect u and solve the problem.

there are the sides of you that are creative that think of fantastical solutions to your problems, whether good or bad, that try to take you to your dreams and desires. with roman, this is with disney-esque tales and hopes that keep thomas going and having a reason to things. with Remus, I think it may be using the intrusive thoughts to get Thomas to slow down when thomas is overwhelmed and wants to rest, which makes sense bc, at least with me, ik when I have an uptick of intrusive thoughts, it usually means i need to rest and relax so I'll be less overwhelmed and take care of myself.

and there is the side that is deceitful and cunning and mean and self-centered as a means towards approaching your problems with your self-preservation as the primary thing to uphold. unlike morals which may tell you to share what you have, this deceitful side of you acts selfishlessly to make sure that you are put first, no matter the cost. which is why I think any anger or wrath would come from Janus. anger as an emotion is often an expression of self-preservation. you feel anger when you know you've been hurt and you lash out in anger to protect yourself. janus has lashed out a fair amount for the small amount of episodes he's been in.

by now, it's also fairly agreed upon that Janus and patton are opposites/counters as well as roman and remus. with both pairings, it's seen that you need a healthy balance between those two sides, those two lines of thought, to not completely fall apart.

i am a firm believer that anxiety is the counter or parallel or opposite of logic. your logical thought processes get so messed up when you're anxious and scared, and logical thinking is often used as a tool to combat anxiety. this was explored between Virgil and Logan very early in the series. virgils anxiety causes cognitive distortions that weaken logans logical processes in being listened to. logans logical thoughts are able to tame Virgil's anxiety when it's too strong. i think Logan and Virgil balance each other out. those are the two who make a healthy balance together which has been discusses, albeit briefly, early on (remember the Yerkes Dodson curve?).

this is why I think that whatever the orange side, the seventh side, is, it won't be a counter to anyone in specific, and it won't be wrath/anger. right now, orange is showing up when Logan is weakened in someway. when janus kidnaps him in svs redux, orange only shows up after that. when Remus messes with Logan in today's wtit and logan is frustrated and out of it, only then did orange come through. we don't know if orange can control other sides as well, but if it's like janus at all, where janus tries to remove logan and his rationality from the problem solving, there's a reason it would focus on messing with logic & rationality to achieve it's goal of however it helps thomas.

because remember, all the sides do what they think is best for thomas. the sides are the manifestations of his different thought processes driven by different outlooks that all have an end goal of trying to solve thomas's problem in that way. but in the end, it is always up to thomas to choose which thought pattern he'll listen to. thomas chooses what he will do based on the persuasiveness of his different thought processes.

(for example, c!thomas comes across a wallet on the sidewalk. morally, he thinks the wallet should be turned in to the local authorities at all costs no matter what. his self preservation instincts tell him to take the cash and leave the wallet behind since the detour would waste his time. his anxiety tells him to leave it alone so he wont get framed for stealing. good creativity/roman would make him imagine a grand heroic prize for tracking down the owner of the wallet and personally delivering it, and bad creativity/remus might make c!thomas imagine finding and killing the wallets owner so he can take all the money. logical thought would say for c!thomas to return the wallet to local authorities if he has the time to do so, and if not, to leave it be. these are all just the different thoughts running through c!thomas's head which can then be personified as sides, and whichever action he does is attributed to the side who had the most persuasive line of thought, but none of these lines of thought are trying to hurt thomas, it's all different ways of protecting/helping him.)

so whatever orange is, needs logic and rationality to be a bit disrupted before being able to be persuasive enough to be listened to. this doesnt really seem like anger/wrath to me. someone can be rational and angry (ie. planning a revenge later rather than hurting someone now, passive aggression, etc.) which all feels more like Janus things to me, and I think you actually need to be rational to use your anger effectively. going ham on someone without thought will not have the same effect as thinking about the best places to hit without them getting you back. anger and logic don't need to keep each other in check like deceit and morality or logic and anxiety; rather, they need to work together. i dont think logan would be opposed to a side that represented anger at all. and orange would not destabilize logan so much if it were anger.

plus, Virgil is the only side that really represents an emotion. but I think people generally always have a sense of anxiety and fear in their problem solving, but anger/wrath isn't always there. for a quick issue like a lost wallet, i can see how these other sides of thought processes can exist, but i dont know what anger would tell Thomas to do there since anger is just an emotion.

so the question is, what is a thought pattern that exists when solving problems that tries to protect/help you, while also needing to push away or overpower your sense of logic & rationality to be persuasive enough to be listened to? I don't have the answer to this but I'd love to hear what other people think about this! especially if u see flaws in my reasoning of why orange isn't anger, I'd love to know!

[sparklingpax]

My favorite pages of a Transformers Prime Halloween fanfiction I wrote in 5th grade. In this story, the Autobots and Decepticons call a truce. Well, the kids call up Megatron and organize this and then Optimus catches them but then also agrees jdsjdjsdjdshsdh I know this makes Zero Sense but yknow what that’s,,,,how my brain worked back then. Made no sense. Still doesnt make sense actually--

ahhhh so.........enjoy ^^’’ 

Um and sorry for mistakes and potentially immature perceptions of the characters...remember I wrote this literally almost 5-6 years ago,,,, O//O’’

OH AND. LONG THREAD. (Mostly because of the photos. But forwarning I guess ^^’’)

(I’ll just do some explaining since I only picked parts of this story. Also sorry for the terrible picture quality :’D)

Edit: The grammatical errors. I’m in Pain.

In no particular order: 

1.) This. Because?? Mood. 

2.) Ratchet’s change of heart (sort of) aND THE FACT THAT I MADE HIS COSTUME AN ANGEL AJSJSJSDJ

(he made them some tasty energon goodies <33)

3.) fjdfjdfj idk why but I really like this part of the chapter in general,,,maybe it’s just me lmfao but uh....well.....good job, younger me lolol you’ve made older me genuinely laugh 😹😹😹😅😳

I do have one question for myself: wHY did I choose a MONKEY COSTUME?? FOR STARSCREAM???! *cries laughing* that is so random I can’t even rn--

4.) This one single part. It comes earlier in the story ofc, and again idk why but I just,,,this part is decent. And I kinda like it lmfao 

After this, I remember reading something about Megatron visiting “blogs” and reading about Halloween and costumes and all that. Which I’m 99.9% certain was some sort of reference to Tumblr. So. Make of this what you will, I suppose owo 

5.) The description of Op’s costume! He went as a cat and I distinctly remember making him dress up as a cat because cats have always been my favorite animal so my logic was: favorite character + favorite animal = pERFECT!! <D Anyway, uhhh.....sometime I wanna draw this :3 it’s a cute costume idea actually....so congrats again to younger me for doing something right...sorta..^^’’

(if you wanna know the end of that sentance, it just says smth like how neither of them had made a costume like this so even if it wasn’t all that perfect, it was a really good effort for a first try <3)

6.) Very much like the way I opened this chapter too,,,,lol why am I even trying to explain my thoughts my brain just,,,I Like This Bit Too,,,,I hope y’all like it as well,,,,idk--

7.) wHAT was this ending asdfjkldjsdkjsdj 

all I can say is that the Starscream adding that he will crush them later is the Best Thing and I’m still laughing about it,,,kudos to younger me yet again ^^’’ 

8.) SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST! I really liked this part??? For many reasons. I remember it was my favorite part to write :3 Of course, my stupid immature humor had to ruin it with the “thug life” joke because that was another thing I found extrememly hilarious back then sooo.....oh and I apologize for the way Megatron abruptly destroys the mood....I was tryna be deep I think?? BUt...idk...that moment just throws the vibe off too abruptly....idk....y’all lmk what you think I guess...? But anyway, my favorite part of the whole thing >:33 

LIKE I WANT OPTIMUS TO DO THIS SOMEDAY. IT’S CUTE. LIKE,,,,SUE ME BUT IT’S FUNNY,, 😹😹😹😹

(also what I meant by “a shade of crimson darker than Jack” is: a few pages back, a fake spider scared the living daylights out of jack and he landed flat on his back after screaming so loudly that literally everyone burst into laughter for a good few mintues. And Jack had blushed  like super hard. That’s. Idk why I didn’t specify that in the writing sdsjsdj anwyay--)

///

And bonus: the cover page that um. Is atrocious. Please forgive me O//w//O’’ 

tHAT IS nOT what his costume was supposed to look like in my mind’s eye but I suppose on that day I gave up and did....that....so..............

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Well! Ok! You made it to the end of this thread!!! <3 THank you so much for reading through it all!! You’re the best!! Like,,,seriously thank you so so much Q//w//Q And I’m so sorry for wasting your time 

Please have a lovely day/evening!! Maybe sometime I’ll post pics from that Christmas fic ;3

See y’all around then! ^^’’

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[normal-thoughts-official]

That thing about assumptions on whose more openly affectionate of malec being opposite is so true lol! Like you expect Magnus to be the teasing in public/PDA type but Alecs the one who grabs his ass and kisses him on the cheek and wraps an arm around his waist or shoulders, the one who initiates hand holding and kisses in public, the one who whispers dirty things in his ear?? And magnus adores every minute he just doesnt trust himself to initiate in case it's Too Much or hes being "clingy" :'[

ABSOLUTELY and i think it’s mostly because people don’t realize that magnus and alec’s outer appearance, demeanor-wise, is not only fake, but effectively a defense/coping mechanism

i mean i’ve already talked a lot about magnus many times and it’s been basically canonically established that magnus’ devil-may-care, playboy, detached attitude is the result of him trying to close himself off after too many experiences with abuse

and closing yourself off doesn’t just mean not allowing himself to feel, it also means not letting anyone get too close to you. but magnus can’t really do the “completely isolating yourself in a tower” thing, like Raphael does, because he craves contact and touch and attention and being alone with his thoughts is one of the worst things he can do to himself. 

also, he’s too much of a softie, he’s still there, trying to represent warlocks politically, taking people under his wing. there’s just too much he needs to do, wants to do, so isolating himself physically won’t work. ergo, he needs a facade. a ruse. something between his feelings and others, something to keep him safely isolated and away from people who will- could hurt him and this way he also helps them too, because who needs to have such a broken, despicable, whiny murderer of a friend who brings nothing but emotional baggage to the table?

so he builds this uncaring, detached, but fun persona; someone whose company you can enjoy a lot, who will take you on adventures, who can do a lot of stuff for you, but who’s not deserving FITTING for a deeper relationship, even if just friendship-wise. he’s shallow, he only cares about the Exorbitant Amounts Of Money™ that he’ll get from his “favors” (which is hysterical because I don’t think I’ve seen him being paid a single fucking time in the entire show, not even when fucking lilith showed up at his house claiming to be some warlock he’s never met and asked for a potion, he literally gave it to her for free because she mentioned ragnor. he’s too kind for his own good, honestly. and god the amount of unpaid work he did for these goddamn shadowhunters. unbelievable. he deserved so much better. but anyway, i digress), he’s impulsive and stubborn and listens to no one, he’s all about partying and fashion and sex. so how could he possibly be like in a relationship, if not the teasing one who’s all over the other, showing them off to people, grabbing their ass, gushing over them or whatever. the most surprising part, honestly, would be to see magnus getting in a relationship at all, considering what an unfixable lothario he is and his general disdain for complicated matters - at least in most people’s eyes

as for Alec, well, for many, he’s probably the picture of the Perfect Shadowhunter. clear mind, cool head, cold heart. a soldier so perfect he’s almost a machine, and has never learnt empathy, much less love

it’s obvious that none of this is true, once you take a look. he’s clearly suffering and in a constant battle with himself, not only who he is and who he’s attracted to, but also what he actually believes in - and look, i’m not saying he’s perfect or some kind of woke white savior or anything, cuz he did and said some shitty stuff both in s1 and after it. but he’s also the one who told magnus “take what you need” when magnus needed his strength, and the one who refused to let magnus use his magic to clean the loft when he could do it himself and allow him to rest. and that says a lot. when everyone else, including clary, who supposedly wasn’t even raised in racist shadowhunter culture, treated magnus like a tool, the means to an end, alec remembered magnus’ humanity

so, upon closer inspection, most people would think that he’s just Repressed™. sure, there’s a lot going on in there, that man is conflicted af, and it’s actually a pity. were he raised in another culture, one that wasn’t so set on stripping you of your humanity, he could’ve been a great man. he could have been happy, too. goes to show you how cruel shadowhunters are, even to their own kind. 

so for those people, alec is almost a pity case. he’s stuck in his oppression, helpless, confined. shadowhunter values have been drilled into him so deep that he can’t face his feelings anymore. he lies to himself and smothers any semblance of a “rebellious” thought before it even comes to mind. he’s all but brainwashed, basically

but that’s not exactly true, either

and look, don’t get me wrong, because of course i know that alec struggled like crazy to come to terms with his identity and his attraction. but alec is not brainwashed. if anything, he’s shockingly self-aware 

when he’s in shock after he finds out about his parents and the arranged marriage, he says, “i’ve done everything that they’ve asked, i’ve dedicated all of me to the clave”. he knows exactly what he was sacrificing for them, he knows that there’s a line between what he believes in and what he does because it’s what’s he supposed to, and he knows where it is, too. when he goes on his first date with magnus, he says “i always knew i couldn’t get what i wanted, until you came along”. knew, not thought. it’s not that alec never considered it, always thought it was out of his realm of possibility, couldn’t face the idea; it’s that he thought it over, came to the conclusion that it couldn’t happen, and resigned himself to it. in alec’s eyes, he was making a choice

now, don’t misquote me, because obviously it’s not really a choice when you’re between losing everything you’ve ever had, including your family, or being who you are. i’m not saying that alec chose to be in the closet, i’m saying that he saw it that way. that he was perfectly aware of who he was, and what he wanted, and what he thought, but he knew he couldn’t act on it. there’s a fundamental difference between the way alec acts, and lying or hiding from yourself

so alec is not repressed in the freudian sense of the word, where his desires are all subconscious and whatnot, but in the sense that he won’t act on them

i think alec was never quite good at lying to himself (or anyone, really, but specially not himself. he’s painfully logical and introspective, and he over analyzes everything, including himself. i’m also like this and believe me when i say that it’s almost impossible for me to lie to myself, even when i want to. my therapist and psychiatrist both think it’s appalling lol. lying to yourself is a survivorship skill that i think neither alec nor i ever had)

and then we have the third group of people, the people who realize that, who know that alec knows and actively and consciously represses his desires anyway, but who think that alec is too powerless, too weak, to break out of it. basically another pity case, the poor lightwood boy, so hurt and powerless to do anything about it. 

all of these people are wrong

alec is not weak, he’s- incredibly strong, really. like the shit he did when he came out, that was incredible. and before that, just heading out of the institute to go to magnus’ and help him heal luke when that went straight against clave’s orders? holy shit. straight up ignoring his mom’s calls? id literally die of anxiety before ever being able to do that. and after s1 too, he continuously chose magnus, continuously faced all sorts of enemies, he threatened maryse, who was always the monster under his bed, without batting an eye

alec’s always been strong, and brave, and self-aware. and that’s why his relationship with magnus was way less about figuring out what he wanted or learning how to express his feelings and desires, and way more about allowing himself to do exactly what he wanted. most people would think that alec would need time to adjust to being in a relationship, to being happy, to not looking over his shoulder after every touch or word. that alec would need help to figure out what he was into, what he liked, how to do things, how to feel and to love. but he didn’t, because alec knows himself way too well. once he decided that he could get what he wanted, he just did it and never looked back 

(because he knows how strong he is, too, and there’s an advantage in being trained to be a soldier and diplomat - he’s very aware of his own strengths and how to use them) 

so yeah, there is the reason everyone is wrong and shocked: people assumed that magnus knew what he wanted and was comfortable in his own skin, while alec didn’t. but it’s actually the other way around

if you look at their relationship, the “insecure one” (obviously there’s no such thing as “the insecure one”, everyone has their insecurities, but you know what i mean) was magnus. alec was ready for sex before him, and it seemed that it never occured to alec that he could have fears surrounding that. magnus was the one who was always worried that something would be the Last Straw, make alec leave him. magnus was hesitant to make big gestures of love or just be sappy and romantic, and alec was like “we’ve been dating for 3 months, i think it’s appropriate to propose to magnus”. magnus was scared and insecure, and alec gave zero (0) shits

(not with everything, obviously. i’m not trying to say magnus was the helpless uwu one who needed fixing. just that when it comes to their relationship, magnus was more hesitant than alec was)

because magnus was the one who had been repressing what he wanted. he was the one who couldn’t face the idea of falling in love, of allowing himself to be vulnerable, of being with someone else. after camille, after all the hurt and abuse, he wasn’t ready, and he needed time not only to allow himself to feel, but also to figure out how he feels - to get rid of this deep conviction that he’s worthless, that he should accept crumbs and not look back because it’s the best he’ll ever had. i’ve said that before, but that scene in s2 when magnus gets mad at alec for being a rude bitch, that’s so significant. the magnus from a few years before wouldn’t have said anything, would have just let alec treat him and make excuses for him. “oh he’s new to this,” “oh he was stressed,” “well there’s his brother”, “i was being annoying,” “it’s not his fault”. because that’s what you do when you’ve been through abuse. magnus got into their relationship unwilling to accept being only given crumbs, and unwilling to be anyone’s punchbag. not that alec would do him like that, but it’s important that magnus wouldn’t let him. especially because alec is kind of a dumb bitch who believes people when they say “it’s ok” way too often, so he might not have realized he was hurting magnus, had they met when magnus was in a different headspace

anyway, what i was talking about before i went on yet another big tangent about magnus and his abuse recovery? ah yes, repression

basically what i’m trying to say is: while both magnus and alec struggled with coming to terms with who they are, who they love, and loving and respecting themselves, by the time they got together magnus was the one who needed to be eased into things. he needed time and space to relearn how to be in a relationship, and to be happy in it. while alec needed to jump headfirst into what he wanted and not look back

and look, not to be a disgusting malec stan, but that’s one of the many reasons why they are literal soulmates work so well together. because magnus has been needing someone who loves him so deeply and expresses it so fearlessly, because he’s unused to it, because he’s way too insecure and convinced that he won’t get or doesn’t deserve it. and alec also needs to be able to express his love with abandon, he needs to be affectionate, to tell magnus that he’s beautiful and that every day they’re together is a dream and to give him gifts and to take him to the lock thing and make a romantic dinner with ten dozen red roses because for so long he didn’t allow himself. obviously they both love and are loved, and they both love each other equally and fiercely, and magnus also always expresses it, it’s not a one-way thing. but to alec, being able to express his love and affection for magnus is a wonder, it’s something that he’s still in awe of, realizing that he gets to have this, to be in love and let the whole world see. to say exactly what he feels. i think that’s one of the reasons why alec never beats around the bush, just goes straight into “it’s moments like this, when i’m staring into the eyes of the man that i love,” and his constant Wedding Vowing, because he’s basically bursting with everything he feels, and just how much, and he fucking wants to express it god damn. why the fuck would he be chill? HE GETS TO HAVE THIS, after denying himself for so long

and magnus, well. magnus really needs it. really needs to be convinced that he’s lovable, and that he deserves not only to be loved but to be loved in a fulfilling, caring way. to be happy in a relationship, not just part of it. that he doesn’t have to constantly sacrifice himself for others

and that’s just one of the many ways in which they suit each other so perfectly. because what they need to say is what the other needs to hear, and what they have is so strong it can calm the storm that’s been inside of them for so long. they have the kind of love where they’re sad together, happy together, silly together, angry together, where they get to be competitive dorks and say dumb shit, and also to have slow and calm mornings, and also to feel juts as intensely as they desire. they have it all they are soulmates they have a one in a million kind of connection they are so perfect for each other and in this essay i will

[astranne]

ROYAL - Bruce Wayne

I've never seen a diamond in the flesh 

I cut my teeth on wedding rings in the movies 

And I'm not proud of my address, in the torn up town

No post code envy

I looked up. My gaze caught every little detail. The beautiful but fake-looking women, the handsome men, smoking expensive cigars and talking about money and their big houses. Houses like the Wayne Manor. I felt the glances of the rich men trying to undress me with their mere eyes. But it didn't really bother me, I always liked the attention of men. I always loved the way how I affected men. But this was different. They had women by their side and fucked me with their eyes.

Slowly, I made my way upstairs. My long, black coat hid my dress. Everyone wore pastel colors, it was the dress code after all. The butler of the family Wayne smiled pleasantly and nodded in my direction.

„Miss Jackson, it's a pleasure to see you at the gala. May I have your coat?"

„Alfred, please, call me Lara. You've known me for many years."

„Indeed, Lara." I smiled and took off my coat. Alfred raised an eyebrow at my dress but didn't say a thing.

„You look like your mother, Lara. She would be very proud of you."

„Thank you, Alfred. But I couldn't have done it without you." He reached his arm to me, I smiled and took it.

„I'm afraid, but Master Bruce wouldn't approve that," he made reference to the dress. It was scandalous. Scandalous red.

„Well Alfred, you should know, I don't care about the opinion of a rich man. I never did."

„I know, dear. I know." Our way led us to the big saloon, full of laughter and rich people. It wasn't my world, it will never be and still, I'm here.

But every song's like gold teeth, 

Grey Goose, trippin' in the bathroom 

Bloodstains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room 

We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams 

But everybody's like Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash 

We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair

I inspected every woman and every man. There were models, actors, politicians, businessmen... rich people. Before I could do my way to a waiter serving the champagne, a young man stopped next to me. Another followed him and flashed a flirtatious smile towards me. Both had black hair, blue eyes and were muscular. They were handsome men. But too young for me.

„Good evening, my lady. You look beautiful." The one with the longer hair took my hand and kissed it.

„I must say, red fits you well, beautiful lady. May I know your name?"

„Lara Jackson. With whom do I have the pleasure?" Before any of them could answer, a little boy stepped between us, he looked like ten, but his hard look didn't belong to a child.

„Grayson, Todd. If I find this woman in anyone's room tonight, I will kill you. We don’t have time for this."

„What do you want, demon spawn?" The child huffed and crossed his arms.

„Father wants to speak with you. Both of you." Both rolled their eyes.

„I'm sorry, beautiful lady. The old man can’t have a fun night. We will see us again." The one with the white streak in his black hair kissed my cheek, the other my hand.

„Idiots. Please forgive my brothers, they don't have any respect for a good looking lady."

„It's okay. And thank you."

„You're familiar", he noticed. I just raised an eyebrow. This child was odd. Just like his father.

„Well, I know your father, Damian." His head shoots up and he frowned.

„How do you know me? Or him?"

„It was many years ago, but your father and I had a great friendship. One day he went missing and the day he came back, he wasn't the same anymore. Still, I stayed in contact with Alfred, he was a great friend and like a father to me."

„Why did my father abandon you?"

„I'm not rich." He looked confused but didn’t say anything.

„He never said something about you. Why not?"

„Again Damian. I'm not rich. I will never be like these models or actresses. I'm just a simple girl, that lived alone with her mother. It was a coincidence, that your father and I met."

And we'll never be royals 

It don't run in our blood 

That kind of lux just ain't for us 

We crave a different kind of buzz

„Then why are you here, Jackson?"

„I wanted to see Alfred. I wanted to see the house since it was my second home. And for the last time, I wanted to feel the atmosphere at a gala."

„It sounds like a goodbye. Why? What did my father do that you are such full of hate?" I looked surprised at him.

„How?", I just asked.

„I know that look. You don't hate my father, you hate that rich life, you hate his behavior. I'm also like this. I hate my mother, well, if you can call her a mother. And I hate my stupid brothers, who get more attention from my father then I do. I know they spend more time with him and know him better, but it’s..."

„Frustrating", I finished his sentence.

„I like you." I smiled and sipped at my champagne.

„Well Damian, I like you too."

„More than your brothers." He smiled smugly and I snorted silently.

Let me be your ruler, you can call me Queen B 

And baby I'll rule (I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule) 

Let me live that fantasy

„If you see them, could you clarify for me, that I'm definitely not interested? They are too young. Goodlooking, but too young."

„With pleasure, Lara."

I stayed the whole evening with Damian. He was a cute child, but he would never allow anyone to say that out loud. And he looked like his father. Well, almost. His eyes were green, they must be from his mother. But I didn't ask since he made clear, that his mother was a forbidden topic.

After that evening, I spent the night with Oliver Queen. We were both drunk and afterward, I found out that he had a girlfriend. So I did the one most logical thing, I ran away and swore, I will never be just a woman for a night. These times are now past, I want to be someone special, someone, that my mother can be proud of. So I began to search for my father. I never knew or saw him. But I wanted to find him.

My friends and I we've cracked the code 

We count our dollars on the train to the party 

And everyone who knows us knows that we're fine with this 

We didn't come from money

After months of searching and traveling around the world, I found him. Well, he found me. He didn't know he had a daughter. My mother never told him about me. But he didn't abandon me like other people. He gave me a new home, a new task. He gave me a new family. I began to train, train to defend myself, train to defend others, train to kill. Especially rich people who were assholes. I just followed my father's footsteps. You may ask now, who my father is. Im a Wilson now. My father is called Slade Wilson but feared as Deathstroke.

I was educated by the League of the Shadows also called the League of Assassins. Ra's al Guhl himself trained me and let me fight against his daughter, who is the mother of Damian. Talia al Guhl, or whatever they call her. I hate her. I hate her for manipulating Bruce and abandon her son. I hate her for her behavior, I just hate her presence. And everybody knows that. Because I almost killed her. Well, I killed her, but she was brought back with the Lazarus Pit. My father was really proud of me since nobody can stand her. I mean, she is a fucking bitch, she betrayed the League just for a son of Batman. And did so many other awful things. But that's not my problem anymore. Ra's send me to protect his grandson, the heritage of the League. The fact, Damian liked me, made my job so much easier. But I had no idea, how to become one of the Wayne family members. So we built a plan. My father as Deathstroke, would try to kill Robin and Batman, and I would save them both. After all the planning, it worked perfectly.

„Who are you?"

„Your pseud, deep voice doesnt scare me, Batman. You've just could thank me."

„Lara?"

„Hello, Damian. Its nice to see you again"

„I thought you would never come back to Gotham." I fake sighed and crossed my arms.

„Well... I was all around the world. I met your mother and I must say, she is a bitch. Sadly she survived our meeting." Batman huffed.

„And how did you know about the whole hero thing?"

„Talia is a really shitty secret keeper. She told me all about it, in the hope, I would show some mercy. Its nice to see you, Bruce."

„Who are you?"

„Its a shame, you dont recognize me, Brucie." I took my black hood off, also my mask, that hid the lower half of my face. I could feel the confusion of my childhood crush.

„Lara Jackson?"

„What a welcome." I was surprised after he hugged me. Awkwardly, I tapped his back.

„Im so sorry." That was easier than I thought.

„It’s okay, Brucie. It’s okay." Damian coughed and crossed his arms.

„Umm... can I have a bed for tonight?", I asked silently.

„You can have a bed as long as you want, Lara."

„Thank you, Bruce."

„Lets go home." He jumped off the roof, Damian followed him. I turned around and saw my father in the shadows. With a smirk, I followed the Waynes.

But every song's like gold teeth, 

Grey Goose, trippin' in the bathroom 

Bloodstains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room 

We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams 

But everybody's like Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash 

We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair

I was now a month at Wayne Manor. Bruce acted a little bit strange but I didn't mind. But what I minded was his big family. He has five sons and two daughters and other family members. They didn't trust me. Richard and Jason always flirted with me, the other women in the house hated me for that. Until one day.

„Hey, beautiful. What are you doin’?" I just rose an eyebrow, a move I would do every day.

„Do you have eyes, Jason?"

„Yes, why?"

„Well, then you can see, I’m reading." He sat aside me and wiggled his eyebrows.

„Mind, if I take this book and we do something?" I tried to ignore him.

„Darlin', I know you would take me. Don't act so heartless even though its hot as fuck." And then I had enough.

„Okay, listen, Jason. I'm not interested to fuck you or Richard. I'm so much older than you, I could be your fucking mother! And if you don't stop, I’m gonna kick your fucking ass so hard, that the pit wont help you come back to life! So shut the fuck up and just let me live my fucking life! Without you or Richard or any playboy." He just blinked.

„How old are you?", he asked bluntly. I slapped him with the book. Jason yelled and ran away from the couch.

„Jason Peter Todd! Come back, you fucking asshole! I'm going to fucking killing you, you dipshit! You don't ask a woman about her age! COME BACK!" I ran after him, passing next to Richard and Tim.

„Jason!", I yelled. „Come back, you motherfucking bastard!" He sprinted downwards, trying to escape. With the speed I had gained, I jumped down and rolled off.

„What the fuck! That woman! Help! Anyone!"

„Shut up!" I tackled him down and began to punch him. Blood spattered out of his nose, ruining the expensive carpet.

„What the fuck?! Lara? Jason?" Dick tried to separate us but he also collected a punch in his nose.

„Don't touch me, you pervert!" Jason managed to escape out of my hold and we began to fight, Richard joined, after I kicked him in his stomach.

„Bruce? Alfred? Anyone? Lara is going crazy!", Tim shouted. He was smart enough to stay out of our fight. I swiped the blood out of my face, not knowing to whom it belonged.

„Still imagining how to fuck me?" Both men grunted, trying to punch me, which I easily caught. My hands gripped Richard's shoulders and I let his nose met my head. He groaned and held his nose, trying to kick me.

„Enough!" I heard Bruce's voice and stepped a little back. Jason didn't stop and punched right in my jaw. I growled and rushed forward, my legs slung around his neck, and threw him on the ground.

„Lara! Enough!" It took Bruce, Tim, and Alfred to keep me away from the second oldest.

And we'll never be royals It don't run in our blood That kind of lux just ain't for us We crave a different kind of buzz

Bruce himself stitched me up, doesn't allow anyone to come too near towards me. He forbid everyone, even Alfred, to come to the Batcave.

„Why?", he just asked. I huffed and crossed my arms.

„Why? Both were flirting with me! Its disgusting! I could be their fucking mother!"

„They are kids, Lara", he sighed and sat across me. I rolled my eyes.

„Kids don’t fight the Joker, Bruce." It was silent, we just sat there.

„Why are you like this?"

„What do you mean?" I frowned.

„You're cold. Towards me. I have the feeling, you only like Alfred and Damian", he almost whispered. I swallowed and tried to avoid his gaze.

„Bruce, I...I had a hard childhood. I just had my mother and you. You were my best friend, my first love. And when my mother passed, I was alone. I know, you were there for me, but not like the way I wanted. I changed Bruce, I'm not the glamorous girl anymore."

„Why you didn't say anything?"

„You were Bruce Wayne, the son of millionaires, the heritage of Wayne Enterprises. I was madly in love with you, I never said something because I was so scared. Scared, that you wouldnt love me back, scared you would see me just like as a friend. So I started to date other boys, boys who gave me attention in a way, who filled the gap my mother left. It was like a drug. I loved the way I affected every man. They gave me love, physically." At the end of my speech, I'd met Bruces eyes. They were soft and full of love.

„Im so sorry, Lara. I never- If I ever would know that...Do you remember your first boyfriend?" He didn't wait for an answer.

„I was so jealous and I saw you at his side it made me clear, you weren't the little girl anymore, who I met at my parents funeral. In my eyes, you were a grown, beautiful and independent woman. That day I realized, I loved you from the first day and still do." My eyes grew big. How?

„You still love me?", I whispered.

„I do." I almost melted at these words. My fucking childhood crush, my first love, loves me. He smiled and leaned towards me. Our noses touched, my eyes fluttered. He stopped, obviously waiting for me. I sighed when our lips finally met. We kissed slowly, without any tongue. It was a romantic kiss, heck, he would top every Hollywood movie. We parted, his lips brushed against mine. Bruce cupped my face with his hands and kissed me again. Roughly. A light moan escaped my lips, my hands tugged his black hair. He groaned deeply and heat rushed downwards all around my body. His arms pulled me nearer to him. Slowly, while kissing him, I climbed on his lap. But before it could go any farther, Alfred cleared his throat. I blushed and tried to hide my face in Bruce's neck while he just chuckled.

Let me be your ruler, you can call me Queen B 

And baby I'll rule (I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule)

Let me live that fantasy

Everything was perfect. As perfect as it could be in such a chaotic family. Since I beat up Jason and Richard, everyone tries to not piss me off. I warmed up to the girls and also Tim. Everything was perfect until Talia showed up. She and some traitors of the league managed to break into the Manor and tied the whole Wayne Family up.

„Hello, Lara. Its nice to see you again." A mad smile graced her face. I didn't respond and gripped the handle of my sword harder.

„Why are you here, Talia?"

„Oh I don’t know, maybe to kill you?" I rolled my eyes.

„Besides that." She grinned widely at me.

„I want my son back."

„No." She frowned, the Waynes behind me began to protest.

„No? Who do you think you are? I’m the mother of him!"

„Well, I don't care who you are Talia. You're a traitor and I don't listen to traitors."

„Wilson", she growled.

„Al Guhl."

„My son."

„No."

„I want my son! And I will kill you to get him!"

„Try me, bitch. I killed you once and I will do it again."

„Why are you here?", she asked out of nowhere.

„Classified."

„Really, Wilson?"

„Why is mother naming her Wilson?", whispered Damian to his father. Before Bruce could answer, Talia rushed with a war cry forward raising her sword. I easily dodged, spinning around and kicking her in her stomach.

„You have a deathwish, Al Guhl. Stop it and I will let you go."

„Never, Wilson", she spat and rammed her sword in my leg. I gritted my teeth but fought on. I felt, how my wound slowly stopped bleeding until it closed completely. But the pain was still there.

„How-?", she stuttered.

„You should've known, dear Talia. The reason, why Im a better fighter than you, the reason, why I could kill you. All because of my fathers powers."

„Your father has powers? But he is no metahuman."

„Who said he is a mutant? He's an experiment, he's an improved human. So am I."

„That's why you could learn so fast to fight", she realized.

„Yes. And now, get out of here, or I kill you and your friends."

We're bigger than we ever dreamed, and I'm in love with being queen (Ooh ooh oh) 

Life is great without a care 

We aren't caught up in your love affair

„Who is your father, Lara?" I sighed at Damian's question.

„Does it really matter right now?"

„Hell yes it does!", shouted Jason. „I want some awesome powers too!" I rolled my eyes.

„I never knew my father, Bruce knows that. And my mother never told him, that she was pregnant. After I met Damian, I began to search for my father. Without any results. Then, he found me. He's a member of the league of the assassins, so he brought me there and I was trained."

„You didn't answer Damians question”, Bruce noticed. I sighed again and shouldered my backpack.

„Because I knew, you all wouldn't like it. Damian, your grandfather send me to protect you. My job is done, I will go back to Nanda Parbat."

„What?"

„No!", they cried out.

„Why? I thought you-", I interrupted Bruce.

„Bruce, I love you. I really do. But I know, when you learn, who my father is, you will abandon me. So I better go by myself."

„Wait, what? Are you and Bruce a thing?" Jason's eyes switched between us.

„We were."

And we'll never be royals 

It don't run in our blood 

That kind of lux just ain't for us 

We crave a different kind of buzz 

Let me be your ruler, you can call me Queen B 

And baby I'll rule (I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule) 

---

Masterlist

This was my first oneshot in english, I hope you like it. You can also find it on Wattpad, there I have the same username like on Tumblr. 

I’m aware, that not everything I wrote matches with the personalities of the batfam, I have more knowledge of the MCU and MARVEL. And if something is wrong with my english (my first language is german) please tell me. :) 

[atzfiles]

getting to know jeong yunho

hi! i will be looking into yunhos natal chart and share some of the information i have gotten out of it! thanks to yunho, we know the exact time he was born! i am not entirely sure if the place of birth is that exact though. so as always, this is not 100% accurate and i am not saying i know everything about astrology. this is a hobby of mine which i taught myself.

Sun Aries 

aries is the first sign of the zodiac which shows in their characters

they’re always first to start and always first to finish

aries people are natural athletes which, in my opinion, fits to yunho quite nicely

they cannot sit still for longer periods of time

their natural instinct is to use their bodies to get things done

they live a “simple” live, dont like long/drawn out moments and they also dont like planning ahead

aries sun are known for being direct, straightforward and uncomplicated

they also tend to live in the moment

whatever happens right now is most important to an aries

this trait can make them very impatient but also highly innovative 

aries suns are also very brave 

they dont like the long way to a goal, they need to take the quickest route

they also have some childlike qualities which makes them real charmers

yunho has a strong personality, entrepreneurial spirit, ambitious, self-willed and stubborn

possible downsides of an aries sun: very nervous, impulsive, wasteful, provoking and restless

Sun in V

yunho wants to be recognized for what he is doing

he has a lot of unique and special qualities and he wants people to pay attention to those

he has a flair for drama and sports (now we all know what sorta high school student he was lmao)

yunho is proud of the fact that he has such a positive outlook on life

expressing himself brings him happiness

he needs to be careful because sometimes those things can make him look like an attention seeker to others

188 Conjunction Sun in Mercury

he owns a lot of mental energy because his ego and mind are on the same level

yunho is very intelligent and he takes pride in that

he also loves to communicate with other people

he talks and expects others to listen but he himself can have a hard time listening to others, that doesnt mean he dominates every conversation

and here you can see yet again that he has great joy in expressing himself

he studies best when reading over the material rather than listening (to a teacher for example)

this also comes from the strong need to communicate

yunho cant listen and absorb information well, he has to act on it

he has his own opinions and those are set

very independent thinker

if not listened to, he can get quite butthurt

he also cant handle criticism too well when it comes to his own opinions

he has a very witty, bashful and playful sense of humor

272 Conjunction Sun in Jupiter

extremely generous, helpful, good-hearted, well-informed, friendly and possesses strong morals

seems like luck is always on his side

he attracts good and positive things like a magnet

yunho is not very competitive which, as a result, is the reason why a lot of people like him

he also loves to travel because he is interested in foreign places and people

he has a lot of faith in life and people 

he does believe in orders and rules and generally dislikes people that tend to break the rules or even go against the law

very impatient with the wrong people around

he can be trusted very well, is sincere and is good at keeping promises

as mentioned before, very optimistic 

laughs very easily

240 Sextile Sun in Neptune

very sensitive and dreamy

strong appreciation for music

he is naturally very compassionate

very open minded; realizes that there is more to the world than whats in front of his eyes

yunho is attracted to spiritual subjects which works in favor for musicians and artists

he can be taken advantage of because he feels strongly for those who are suffering 

very humanitarian; adores animals

very imaginative, inspired and emotional 

Moon in Gemini

people who have their moon in gemini tend to be very witty and charming

but they can also become very moody and irritable, especially at home or with family

very curious 

a certain nervousness and worry are also known for lunar gemini

he needs way more stimulation than other people

there is a lot going on inside of him

here we can also see his urge to express himself again

lunar gemini think and talk a lot

they like their homes but tend to hate housework

yunho can get a bit messy

he does like improving his home though

re-organizing is something he seems to enjoy

very easily bored

is in touch with his own emotions but he can struggle with handling others complicated emotions

inside the family he is the one getting everyone together for a meeting

doesnt like repetitive routines

yunho likes having to do a lot of stuff

very sociable, friendly and talkactive

comfortable around a lot of people and can speak well in front of crowds

very open to new ideas

wants to talk about problems as soon as possible

sharp intellect

-57 Square Moon in Mercury 

his head and heart get in the way of each other

he can be too emotional or too logical

can be very jealous and possessive

can sometimes feel the need to change partners quickly because he gets bored

imaginative sense of humor

can be hypersensitive because of mood swings

because of the what he talks, yunho tends to misrepresent himself

very happy when he can escape in his own little world 

cant find his ideal world on the outside so he creates his own, imaginative world

loves drama but reacts negatively when he is the one getting criticism 

Mercury in Pisces

soaks up feelings and moods from the people around him

which can affect his own mood quite drastically 

very tactful, tries not to offend people

15 Trine Mercury in Lilith 

can get quite provocative in communications

sees flaws very quickly

Venus in Taurus 

likes sensual surroundings

looks like he would be a satisfying lover/partner

needs to be able to depend on his partner

can become very possessive of his partner

he needs “hands on” expressions of love

loyal

cant get pushed into a relationship

likes comfortable things

he needs a lot of time

his partner would need a lot of patience

“love arrives slowly, but with force”

Venus in VI

he wants to help sick and poor people all the time

wants a job in a medical or social setting

likes being of service to his partner

goes to extreme lengths so always be available for his partner

he isnt ‘showy’ with his love/bad at expressing it but much rather shows it by his availability, doing practical things for his partner or other thoughtful things

pays attention to small details

he is scared that, if the relationship he is currently in ends, he might not be able to find better

-224 Opposition Venus in Mars

from affairs over to full blown relationships; love is what gets this boy out of bed

this can get challenging in youth

he can have a hard time finding a relationship that meets his expectations

very creative

passion for romance is often channeled in his creative output

prone to have love-hate relationships (the fanfics have been right all along)

can get angry quickly but that anger disappears just as fast as it came

likes truth and justice

he never plays false, his sentiments are deep and sincere

might be into someone older because he appreciates peoples intelligence 

-95 Square Venus in Neptune

his ideals are not always easy to achieve 

easy going

yunho is in love with being in love

very romantic

can be a little too romantic; his romantic dreams might get shattered by the reality of relationships

sees what he wants to see rather than what really is

clings to romantic delusion which can be very dangerous and unhealthy

tends to devote his all to someone who is unreachable

he is also prone to loving someone who treats him badly all while he is clinging to an idealized image of his partner

he thinks that loving someone requires self-sacrifice 

:((

Mars in Scorpio

likes to challenge himself to do the impossible

keeps his cool on the surface very well

does not let people in easily 

scorpio in mars is known for having the strongest sexual stamina

even though he tends to dislike people who break the rules, he often fantasizes about breaking taboos

he like the scenario of their partner giving into them, wants his partner completely and will do absolutely anything for them

im sweating

his sexual appeal is strong enough to get what he wants

very jealous, doesnt want to share

doesnt find pleasure in compromises: needs to hear either yes or no

constantly tests himself and others

thinks that life isnt fair  

Mars in XII

puts all of his energy into his working life

likes to research

jobs like a doctor, teacher, police officer would fit him well

he should try to give things a real shot instead of feeling defeated instantly 

he can handle a lot of things by himself in his own unique ways

works more for others than himself

ignores his own needs and desires for others which secretly makes him very angry

takes time for him to warm up to a new sexual partner

likes to solve problems

likes to overcome obstacles

he sometimes can seem cold when he is in his work-mindset

-117 Square Mars in Uranus

tends to be eccentric and too headstrong, impatient

Jupiter in Aries

attracts good things in life

he is initiating, inspiring, enthusiastic and brave

likes doing things on his own

likes games

gets distracted easily

lucky in love and his profession

adores children

generous 

yunho likes helping people in difficulty

Saturn in Taurus 

dislikes greedy people

needs to learn that he is also deserving of good things in life

likes precision

a true worker

possesses all the necessary qualities to be successful in the medical field

Uranus in Aquarius

gets overly excited when starting a task but quickly loses interest

this can give others a banal impression of him

doesnt like routines

-10 Square Uranus Lilith

he can have difficulty finding a peaceful love life because he is the type to fall in love at first sight

seeks adventures which can be harmful to his relationship

Neptune in Aquarius

generosity 

solves other peoples problems just to see them happy

cold facts are hard for him to absorb#

he can get quite nostalgic

Pluto in Sagittarius

love and sexuality are idealized

Ascendent in Scorpio

he has a lot of presence

their manners command respect and he lets people know he shouldnt get pushed around

very powerful and determined 

he can look right through people which can make him very intimidating 

he often gets confused when he earns such strong reactions from people though

yunho likes to read between the lines

values his privacy a lot, so much that it can even cause paranoia

he feels the strong urge to always be in control of his environment 

he plans out every move very carefully and lets no one look into his plans

he is drawn to down to earth and natural partners on which he can rely on

he needs full commitment because flighty partners make his patience run thin

House II in Capricorn

he sees spending and making money as an adventure which can cause financial risks for him

nothing is left to a chance

likes to calculate his plans and dissects them slowly

House IV in Aquarius

he may leave the family home very early on

wants a life that is out of the ordinary 

doesnt like traditions 

House VIII in Gemini

this placement is known for making artistic people generally very successful

House X in Leo

great leadership qualities

the way he is seen by society grows more important to him as he gets older

wants surround himself with equally artistic/influentiual people

if you really read this far...god bless u lmao

i tried keeping this as short as possible, leaving out some constantly repetitive traits and placements and trying to combine his placements rather than to dive into each one individually. please dont forget that i am doing this purely out of fun and interest. My ask box/messages are always open if you want to talk or have questions! please also let me know which member you want me to analyze next :)

[shadowmooncat]

Hollow Shadow

I dont know why but ive been feeling very sad lately. I feel like.. its all not enough. I feel like im accepting it for everyone else’s sake. Ive managed to keep my feelings inside but sometimes people see it. When I cant be the thing they want the smiling laughing fool hardy happy for life guy, they become weirded out. I try to hide it from all. I dont want people to see me like that not even my own love. Lately ive been feeling like I dont belong anywhere, or i havent accomplished anything in life. I feel like talking about me all the time is selfish, that i have to sacrifice what i want for what i need. Every day I make hard decisions. I choose to go with the flow instead of following my path. Lots of people do. They have no choice either. Were all guided like a herd to where others want.

Inside i feel so scared and angry and depressed. I feel like i could lash out at people for some reason and dont know why. I know I am selfish I know i feel like im entitled to things too.. but just because I went through pain and hell in life doesnt give me the right to give it to others. I am no fool. I still feel sad though. My sadness comes from wanting too much and knowing ill never accomplish it soon enough. I feel like... ill die unable to achieve even part of my goal. All i want is to have no worries for a long time. No worries on money no worries on food no worries on working no worries on anything. Just for a lifetime. After all.. Life is short..

How do I cope with this? what can I do? Every time I feel like writing it all out I see the eyes of my peers and even my love staring at me with disgust or anger or upset because they want to know why or force me to be happy. I can imagine what she’d say Why are you unhappy? you have everything and no worries on all that? she would be angry and call me a liar and all that. Its just.. I feel fake.. and like I have to be fake to be something in life. Its not that your not enough its that I wanted more sooner than later.. I wanted something I could enjoy other than being at your side.. this is in terms of a job or like.. a hobby or something.. but I feel like i cant do that without hard work.. why must i work so hard for everything I want and need? why must we all? thats the mystery of life isnt it? Its no mystery its this rotten system ive tried to avoid all my life but had no choice but to relent. I am no longer a rebel inside. I feel like I betrayed myself. I feel like ive gone and become nothing more than the same shit different day man. That feeling... feels so empty. IT feels like its not me.. I feel like im losing more of myself by being more of what im not.. like what im not is becoming me.

I never thought it would be so hard.. but i remembered everyone saying in life you have to sacrifice what you want to get what you need. I even hear it from people i saw as a child hero. You dont get what you want you get what you need. Then.. do I need this pain? do I need this desire for more? this uncomfortable feeling that I havent done enough? or ive become nothing but a sheep? I feel like my destiny is now tied with the rest.. im no longer that curved way trying to make a mark on this world.. im the same.

what do I want? what do I desire? Who am I really?

Every single answer lies within shadow. That unrestricted freedom, the voice of my heart the fire inside me that tells me to fight all the normal and be different. The one that tells me go and find what we love to do and do it.

I felt a long time ago. That my heart and mind were battling. My mind always thought with logic, my heart always wanted emotions to rule. Who won? I feel like my heart won the battle and my mind won the war. Another stalemate.

Only outside forces bring them together. I am in a constant state of feeling like ill lose my mind to all of this. I developed ways to ease my insanity, play games, eat, satisfy whatever it wants. I dipped into my dark self from time to time and let it speak out even here. Their starting to say its not enough.

All those people... they would say im weird im a maniac a sociopath or just some selfish prick. They say “work? you dont know what it is son!” or that i havent worked hard enough. I dont want to work till im 50, I do but not something I dont like. Its not even about not liking it. I do like it.. I just need more money and dont want to have to work my ass off for it. Yeah thats impossible and laugh all you want but thats exactly why you and I are working jobs and doing shit we dont like in this fucked up system. Even if were the lowest of the low we have a voice. But i wont get into that. Thats shit that wont change no matter who you talk to. Ive not left my mark on this world. not been known for anything. I am a whiny selfish jerk. I feel like the worlds been bad to me, that ive been forced to hold off my feelings and emotions against them inside my shadow. I have been good in their eyes and changing. What have I changed?! what has changed? all ive become is what YOU want me to. How long do I have to pretend i love and need nothing else in this life? that i accept I cant do anything on my own? How long do I need to fake my feelings in front of people to get what i want? when can I be the me I want.. but who is that me?

It used to be a happy person.. but people made it twisted. I did as well. Its become what people would call, a psycho a selfish little brat. A sickening disgust that has no place in this world. All because it wants to live like something its not. Wants to be rich, wants to have this, wants to have that. Not people hounding it not people hurting it not this madness in its mind that keeps poking at it until it does something. And thats what I see sometimes people as.. poking at me with a stick until I dance for them. Like im trapped in a zoo. Or worse. Laughing away. Saying im just a nobody that can be replaced. Why because i havent worked like you? i havent gone through the same channels or pain or all of that?!

Inside im buried and burned and being forced to go deeper to escape from them.. and each time i go deeper i add another layer on top. That fake layer me. Learn new ways to fake and new ways to survive. Because now thats all im doing in life, is surviving by being fake. Thats why I think im the most depressed. But who cares? im a nobody, im not even worth their time.

[everydayanth]

The Liam Neeson Thing...

Okay guys, this is gonna get complex and personal right quick. But it’s been bothering me and I’m working on posting more without thinking about it for two weeks until nobody cares anymore.

So here goes.

Context matters. Context is important and it can be complicated, but it freakin’ matters. 

In my opinion, Liam Neeson’s flaw was that he thought a rapist would be the kind of person to also attack him. 

Here’s the thing guys, if you’ve never heard someone you love confess to you that they have been irrevocably hurt by a person, you need to take a step back for a minute. 

That moment, talking about it, it’s extremely vulnerable, so this is a bit hard for me, but in a moment of chaos and torment, a person you love and care deeply for is breaking apart in front of you and there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it. There’s not a damn thing you can do but hold them and cry with them and hurt for them and try to help and figure out the right thing to say. 

And when they’re tucked safe in bed and you’re researching what you can do for them or laying awake thinking about what you could possibly say, the amount of guilt and hurt and anger hits you in the chest, it fills you so wholly that you just need to find a way to let it out. It’s a dangerous rage, it’s immature and unhealthy and so so so painful. 

We don’t talk about emotions in America. We just don’t. So of course we want to put this emotion into a context we discuss, and idea we understand. 

But it’s not an -ism, it’s an emotion. 

If you don’t think when my sister told me about our cousin assaulting her that I didn’t wander around my ghetto ass neighborhood waiting for some big white guy to try to hurt me, well, you’d be wrong. Our brain makes patterns, my cousin didn’t live in our city, but I knew he was a big white guy with a shitty pencil beard, my brain classified that as a pattern. Every time I talked to a big white guy, I had to check myself, yeah. But when my brain registered a human who looked like my cousin, my heart rate ran up and I would will them to attack me. I wanted to fight because I didn’t know what else to do with all that pain, all that helpless emotion. But I could wander around places where someone was bound to get hurt anyway and invite the fight to me. 

Neeson was wandering around areas inviting a fight. INVITING, not instigating. It is a common reaction of revenge and feeling hurt, and we’re shoving this idea into something familiar - outrage, racism, etc., anything so we don’t have to actually talk about emotions. 

He was looking for a “black bastard,” poor choice of words, I agree, but he was hoping that guy, the one who hurt his friend, would challenge him, and it would just happen to be the same guy and he could get his anger out. It’s not healthy, but if they man who hurt his friend had been white and he’d wandered around lower class white neighborhoods inviting a fight, would it have been racism? 

This had an opportunity to be a conversation about what the fuck you do around a friend who confesses they were raped and hurt to you. After all the #MeToo (or in the midst of it), how do you be a friend to your loved ones who feel ready to confess to you? What do you do to manage that amount of disgust you feel at the world, that rage and hate and hurt and horror that there’s not a single damn thing you can do? 

This could have been a conversation about grief and friendship and growth and complex emotions. But we made it about the race of a rapist instead. 

That’s how much we don’t want to talk about feelings. 

We would focus on a man talking for the first time about the anger of helplessness in the face of a friend’s pain and come out in outrage. 

Here’s the reality guys, racism is forming a series of patterns based on skin color that aren’t true. They can be based off stereotypes or influenced by false representation in sensational news. Racism is NOT fighting your brain’s reality in order to form a more balanced understanding of the world. I was assaulted by a bunch of black kids at a playground when I was 14, it was terrifying and it’s a long and complex story but the short of it is very simple: I lived in a black neighborhood and this was not my only experience with black kids. I went to school with middle class black kids and I hung out with other black kids, this was NOT my only experience, and therefore, my brain was capable of nixing the pattern before it was created. Black kids weren’t dangerous, those kids were just assholes. 

Racism is if Neeson went to those places and started fights. I can’t know whether he did or not, but it’s if he went around and accused every black man of being a rapist, in his head or otherwise. I didn’t have a lot of experience with big white guys, so it took me much longer not to feel nervous around them than it did to write off my brain’s pattern about the black kids. Emotions and how our brains work are important details for us to know, and it’s the real reason diversity matters, it keeps our patterns in context. Neeson coming out of the situation horrified at himself shows growth of emotion, the dismissal of the pattern, recognizing that it is false without acting on it, understanding the power of agency is an illusion because he would never find that particular man. 

Comparing this to the policing issues isn’t the same, because of their place in society, their home culture society, and the results of their opinions. A police officer has a responsibility to the public to understand their emotions and their racial biases, an actor is responsible for displaying emotion. We can’t hold these people to the same accountability, that would be ridiculous, for a police officer, emotions need to be stable and understood and should involve a LOT more psychology training. For an actor... they entertain us with their emotions. They need to be self aware and reflective in order to project our experiences in stories. We still expect race car drivers to follow the speed limits and we understand that doctors have to call in sick sometimes, the world isn’t fair and occupation doesn’t dismiss personal biases or professional demeanor, but context matters. A doctor calling in sick after handling small pox in a lab requires observation and questions, an actor talking about rage and looking for a fight when he was younger and confessing horror at that version of himself while promoting a film about revenge kind of seems like part of the job, of doing the job well.  

And it’s not racist because it was not instigated by the color of skin as perceived by an individual to be less or more - he was inviting a fight with a black man on the word of his friend. That was wrong, and so was me doing it with large white men (also because I am not that large of a white woman, so that wasn’t going to end well for me), but he even said in a follow up interview that they could have killed him. The interviewer says she thinks of the innocent black man that could have been killed and Neeson responds “Or he could have killed me.” BUT HE WASN’T INSTIGATING FIGHTS, he was INVITING them! He wasn’t looking for an innocent man, he was waiting for someone to try to hurt him so he could release the extreme emotions. These are different. These are SO different. 

This conversation can go back to what it could have been. Race of the rapist aside, what do you do when a person you love confides in you that they have been hurt and scared and they are breaking apart in front of you? How do you process your emotions and heartbreak? What can you do or say? How can you feel like you’re helping? Is that selfish? Why do we need to feel like we’re helping? How do you manage your own trauma so you don’t loop theirs in with yours? How do you self reflect so that you stop your brain forming false patterns when you’re filled with so much hurt and pain? How do you not become a villain of the world, hating everyone for always telling you you are helpless? How do you find control in yourself when you’re imploding and be responsible and mature with emotions? How do you talk about it in a society that wants to be angry? How do you not hate them for focusing on your reaction to a rapist rather than being angry with an individual for being an asshole and RAPING your friend?

How do we return to a conversation about emotions and how, unchecked, they can lead to pain and anger and rage, and eventually, if we don’t have a moment of clarity and rationality, if we are not balanced in the world, they can become biases that develop into ignorance and racism? How do we focus on context so that we don’t become arrogant and disconnected, classists by nature because we interact with such a small and similar world? How do we connect and talk about the human experience when society turns away from us in favor of what is familiar? How do we have a logical discussion about emotion when we can’t even talk about meaning and intent? How do we accuse someone of racism when, had the rapist been white, the conversation might have focused on the context of emotion and pain and hurt and the process of healing - it was the outraged audience that pointed at the race as important, as the meaningful factor, how do we look at that hypocrisy and not feel utterly defeated?

How do we scream at the world that we need help, we all need help, without crucifying ourselves? I have no idea, this post is terrifying and I have no idea what to expect. Maybe nothing would be good? To return to not a single note or like or comment, to be unheard and dismissed and navigated around might be good because I want to talk about this reality but it. Is. Terrifying. 

And maybe it’s all a projection. Maybe I’m the racist and I want to defend someone I relate to. But it feels more right that we as a society don’t talk about emotions, we lock them up like these secret things we’re terrified other people will discover. I’m working on vulnerability lately, and what better place to talk about all the shit that’s ever happened to me than the freakin’ internet! I’m just a person and from my experiences, I think I understand what Neeson meant. But that could equally be a self-aggrandizing reality that doesn’t exist. Perhaps he’s just a racist, a professional actor with a successful career who took this exact moment to reveal his true colors, what a sneaky man! 

But more probably, the logic says, he’s a professional actor with a successful career who took this moment to discuss the emotions he’s had to reflect on and relive for the past year or so in order to play a role in a film that he hopes will entertain and reflect something of the human experience. He more probably took the moment to discuss a human experience and we did not listen because it’s more popular not to listen or because we could not relate or because we just want to be angry and sometimes pulling weeds is so exhausting we raze the whole garden instead. We did not talk about the moment he was horrified with himself because we don’t want to talk about growth or greys, we want the world to stabilize so we can see the bad guys clearly. 

We really ought to know by now that there are no clear bad guys. 

And we know Neeson likes to play in those lines. What is good? What is bad? They aren’t a duality, they are a false dichotomy, created by whatever world you grew up in, whatever experiences you had, whatever your society or culture told you, whatever education you discovered, and whatever philosophy you’ve come to believe. But in a moment of vulnerable confession, in all that grey reality, your friend tells you about a bad guy and they become singularly bad. They don’t exist beyond that. And that’s what is horrifying. That you stop seeing humanity as grey and suddenly it becomes good or bad, that’s the scary part about revenge and inviting fights, it encourages a black-and-white view of the world that says the rapist is ONLY bad and your friend is ONLY good. 

A bit ironic that, in trying to talk about that tunnel-vision-rage, Neeson found himself the target of it.

It’s raw, that anger. It’s part of all the hurt that has happened to you and then you couldn’t even protect your friend or family. Why did you go through all that pain if you couldn’t grow enough to save them? That guilt is a liar, you didn’t hurt them, the asshole did, and you need that to be true or else you were also the cause of all your own pain as well. So you look for the assholes because then at least you could be useful, you could protect them from one asshole by taking the hit. We need to talk about that kind of hurt, about sacrificing the self for revenge because you can’t find worth anymore. We need to talk about existential nihilism that hides inside outrage because you can’t find meaning anymore. We need to talk about emotions and how to talk about them so we can be better friends, better people, so when we look for guidance on talking to friends about their hurt, we find advice on how to not be overwhelmed by rage and guilt and disgust and anger and violence. 

That’s the conversation we could have had. That’s the world we could have started to create. But outrage culture is racist and racism gets attention and we all just want to be heard because we don’t know how to talk about our emotions. Interesting how it keeps going around like that. 

[teddy-feathers]

If you smack your child. Physically intimidate. Grab them too rough or force them to look at something physically...

You can't complain that they're not listening to you/ don't listen to you when you talk.

I just realized that despite appreciating every time my dad took the time to go over something and tell me what the fuck Id done wrong and why it was important - even if those were two to four hour lectures following loud rage tantrums on his part - the reason I did it again later, don't remeber what the hell we talked about, was basically zoning while trying to focus, have no clue days later about the whole thing is because

I'm waiting for the violence to start again.

I couldn't see/ find something obvious because I needed to keep my eyes and attention on him

I couldn't tell you what he was saying because even though he's speaking calmly now that doesnt take away from what happened earlier

I'm still upset about it even if I feel calm now or can laugh at jokes

Like it's not that talking didn't work with me - hell it worked really well just sometimes protecting myself meant choosing between "fuck ups" sometimes hoping you didn't get caught was the best you could do to deal with shit on your own.

Hell. Help has always seemed worse than doing it on my own BECAUSE help was so often treated like a punishment - sure my parents usually found out last minute but thats because I didnt want but was not allowed to refuse help ever.

I remeber distinctly in highschool my dad was reaching for something on a shelf while I was doing dishes - I saw him lift his hand out of the corner of my eye and flinched. He was very much I haven't smacked you upside the head in years - which looking back I dont know if thats true -

But it doesnt matter

You've trainned your kids into a threat response mindset.

It doesn't matter that it wasnt "hard" that I'm not hurt. Doesnt matter if grabbing my neck or shoulder and forcibly turning me to face whatever it was that I missed didn't hurt me. I was scared. I was upset. I wanted desperately to pacify you.

Kinda hard to focus on calm reasonable lectures after that so its not a big wonder that he had to repeat himself a lot when I was growing up

... My dad used to go on about how Id cry at the drop of a hat and make him the bad guy and...

I dont remember the exact science behind it but did you know your kids as infants all the way growing up largly adapt to you. They TRY and make it easier for you to take care of them. This breaks down into several... Parent handling traits. I think the acronym is SMART or something i only heard a little bit about it.

So like. I hated crying when upset but I did it alot. But I also could and can go from crying to laughing and totally "okay" five seconds later becauses not being okay was punished.

Not. Actually punished. Not grounded or yelled at. Just. Attitude, interpersonal conflict between parents, notice which made anxious....

Hell thinking about it - having Avpd is directly a response from my family. Both good and bad attention did not turn out ok it felt like.

Mom and dads arguments happened because of how dad acted but. Nobody likes screaming matches between parents. Violence can be words. And I was always good and understanding what they were fighting about and how itd circle back to me if it didnt start there.

I didn't get it exactly right. I knew mom would defend me to dad when I got in trouble only eventually that felt bad because I had done something wrong but that... Was never the issue. It was how my dad handled the situation.

And every argument came back to I was making the same mistakes or fuck ups telling the same lies whatever so obviously the only thing I "understood" was yelling and being spanked and smacks upside the head.

I didnt understand that. I just. Stopped doing anything besides reading. I was just cowed. I was afraid. And when you did speak instead of yelling or physical intimidation I was still afraid.

I wanted to listen but youd made it so I couldnt. I was a dumb kid and I learned a lot of my bad habits as a defense against you. Maybe I was a manipulative lying lazy child but I didn't make you the bad guy.

You saw your kid as a villain and then proceeded to treat them like one, make them into one, instead of dealing with your child as a child.

And you treated your wife like a child because she didnt agree with you, because if youte not going to be happy no matter what happens why not treat herself. If youre going to take away her right to make desicions by giving her like a child right and wrong answers she's not going to want to be invovled or participate or even bother trying to help you do responsible things and shes going to continue to do things to spite you.

You think youre being forced to be a bully. You think things are black and white and yours is the logical way and youre good at trapping people into either agreeing with you or being "wrong"

My Aunt and Dad are a lot a like and god almighty the Hyde family is fucked up.

They want to treat you like people but they dont know how and so they do this shit and still think theyre in the right. And we're judgmental as fuck and make our decision and expect the world to get in line.

Ffs I'm only now learning to shedd myself and my past I dont know how the fuck to help mom but looking back I can see she needs it now.

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

[decodervon]

(Disclaimer: I am writing for myself. I know nothing I can say or do will persuade anyone who reads this in or out of any situation they are in. I come here to take off my kid gloves and let my actual emotions swing. I say whatever I want here, with no filter or expectation of any sort of rebuttal or communication. I do not write to change any opinions, save for that of my own.)

Writing as if I'm talking to you.. helps. I have this.. concept of you.. one that never really existed. And if it did? Only for moments. This idea that you really honestly cared about the thoughts and feelings coming out of me. The concept of wanting to hold my hand and help me sort out what my problems were. Basically how I would act when all the stress and anxiety and panic hit you. I dont exhibit those emotions the same way. THIS is how I have a panic attack. This is how I deal with anxiety. I can feel it welling up, building.. and this is my teapot whistling. This is how I pour myself out. This is self-care. Not just some indirect way to contact you. As I made mention in my disclaimer, this is for me. It's not for you. I dont think you fully understood that this was all a window into my mind. Just for you to peek because I trusted you, and only you, enough to see into my extremely personal thoughts.

So talking to this.. imaginary version of you that still cares about me.. helps. You dont know how to care about me anymore in real life. You gave up on me a while ago. Your actual version of care never went past yourself. Your version of "above and beyond" was sticking around when I was terrible to you. That's not what that is. That was just.. stupidity. I was always wrong to treat you that way, but you were stupid to let me treat you that way. We look back on the timeline and the only thing that broke that? Shock. Leaving me. Helping me understand that you /wouldnt/ stick around through me beating you down emotionally. I was in a place that was so dark, I couldn't even see what I was doing or how I was treating you. You were suppose to be the one to reach into the muck and pull me out by my ears. Instead you let it drag you down with you.

I'm not blaming that all on you, mind you. Two to tango. But it was like trying to put out a fire by waiting patiently for it to die out. That was never going to work. But you arent the type of emotionally intelligent person to know, understand, or figure that out. Sorry. That was always your weakest point. That was something I had to help you develop literally our entire relationship. I'd even say "train" if I was feeling more malicious. Do you understand that I've been this emotionally adept since I was 15? Do you get how hard it is to SEE someone flounder with it a decade later and then have them not believe you know what you're talking about because they just don't understand it? I was right about so much stupid shit it makes me sick. I was right to stop trying after you starting treating me badly. I was right about Tom. I was right about you distancing yourself from me. I was right about you not having faith in me. and even going farther back into our open relationship and thinking you would burn past my boundaries with little to no regard and Kenny. It felt like I was a psychic and no one would believe me.

This is all just idle commentary. This isnt the heart of my anger or where my anxiety stems. These are the facts. You were never good with my emotional things. Sure, youd let me cry into you chest when it all hit, which was correct first step... but that's not the full scope of what an adult needs. Adults need to be reassured. They need to know that you're ready to help them, even if you dont actually. Adults need to be loved and calmed and talked to and made to understand that you'll be there for them when the worst hits. This was how I treated you when things were okay. How I took care of you during your attacks. After nearly all of mine, I was always found wanting. Like I was some sort of.. obstacle. Like taking care of me was a hassle. Like you were doing it only because you felt obligation. I dont know if that's how you actually felt, but it's how you came off. It made me feel like you just wanted me to stop crying because it was annoying. and god. what a feeling that is. not wanting to share your emotions with your significant other because you were scared they resented your feelings. it doesnt matter. I shouldnt have to explain to another grown-ups adult. you should be emotionally capable by 30. you've had a lot of opportunities to practice.

no relationship is without emotional labor. not one. not even the one you're in. you just haven't quite got there yet. you dont know their dark sides, you dont know when the other shoe is going to drop. you keep your walls up, but it's only a matter of time. you will deal with their damages, with their flaws, with everything that makes up that human being because that's what every human being is: a bunch of flaws and merits rolled into one mess. so enjoy your honeymoon phase, because everyday is one day closer to it being gone.

These are tangents. this isnt even why I wanted to talk here. Maybe the lack of emotional intelligence thing. that was one. always so shocked to see I'm hurt or surprised to see that my feelings well up and cause me to burst. that's what new years was. I regret saying anything more to you than "happy birthday". I was in a horrible way. we werent talking. I felt used. I felt like I did back in middle school when the occasional pretty girl would lead me around by the nose until she got bored of me. I felt like you had used me for attention for the last 3 months. letting me plan all the things you never wanted to plan. put in all the effort to try and see you. knowing secretly that you didnt want me, but loved the attention of being wanted. I was so angry. Part of that anger remains.. but not for that reason. That's just the logic of what lead to my explosion on new years. And let me make this clear: this isnt an excuse. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm not claiming the devil made me do it. these were my own actions which, even by myself, I am shameful and regretful over. These are the reasons that led up to it. I had just stood up to you and said I didnt want to be treated badly once I realized you were, in fact, doing that. And you were just fine to drop me. you didnt care. you didnt care about any of it. those months and time? you didnt care. so I said monstrous stuff. I said really horrible shit and even when you tried to stop me, i doubled downed on it. I wish I coudlve been logical. i wish your words could reach me while i felt that much anger. but they couldnt. not paired with the feeling that made me most angry: feeling emotional used by a pretty face.

You do understand that sharing my emotional experience isnt easy, right? If I was a good masseuse, it doesnt make massaging take any less effort.. in fact, probably more. Like talking to you, helping you decompress, trying to get you to understand better emotional habits? That was HARD. REALLY HARD. And then for 3 months I tried to have a relationship alone. Why let it drag on if you werent giving me a real chance? This is where I started to figure out where my true anger was coming from.

My true anger is something that time will not change. No matter what happens in our lives, the true anger is a permanent judgement against your character. it's a black mark I cannot forgive. It's a change of perspective in how i see, acknowledge, and respect you. It is the truth. And it all stems from Faith.

"What do you mean?" you ask. My eyes turning away from whatever I had been longing at to face yours, unblinking.

"Faith. It's a simple word with a very complex meaning. Very unique to each person who says it. Like Love or Sex."

"You remember the day I caught you. I came over and sat across from you, much like this. I watched you flail and cry and beg.. I watched you reach for me. In those moments.. You were the most honest you had ever been. In our relationship, perhaps in your life. You gave yourself up and wept. You wept for me to stay. You told me all your secrets and threw yourself to my mercy." I said, looking away mournfully.

"I had never.. seen such honesty." my tears teared up as I kept talking,

"I didnt know how to approach it, as angry as I was. I was so mad.. but seeing you be... actually honest was... disarming. I had no defense. I saw you for who you were. In all your flaws... in all your pain. You begged me. You exposed yourself and gave me everything and asked for another chance." my tears subsided slowly as I made my small side-glance back to your unwavering eyes.

"Faith. You were honest, but you were honest about being a cheat and a liar. No one in their right mind would want to enter into a bond with a self-admitted liar and cheat. But I had... Faith." the word being almost spit from my mouth, my face gently contorted at the thought.

"If there was one truth I knew about you, it was that you were a hard worker. I had faith that you would take this seriously. I had faith that with your sins laid bare, you could only ascend from that point. And so.. I made a choice." a light shrug followed by the ritual of removing a cigarette from my silver case. a smooth light and a pull later..

"I went against every fiber of my being. every angry bone in my body. every brain cell halting me. I said....'Okay' and that was that." Another long pull and my eyes drifted off to the wall, looking through them to that space that only exists in between everything else.

"And the worst part of all of this? I was right to do it. I watched you turn your entire life around. You started to dance again. you started to work out. and so your body issues became farther and farther away. You started down your burlesque career path. You started looking for better jobs. You found them and you got them. You became the girl I always saw and looked for. I was right to believe you and have faith." a quick laugh and another pull later, I adjusted myself in my seat, shooting a look back at her.

"You werent without mistakes, mind you. you had your stumbles. I couldn't tell you the exacts of them, because that was part of Faith too. It was the idea that I knew you could stumble, but those were to be forgiven if the rest of your progress was noticable enough to warrant it. And it was! You were turning it all around, slowly but surely. Who would I have been to get in the way of your progress by bogging you down at every little thing? I was happy to see you change from this secretive, gaslighting monster into.. into someone happy." the tears streamed down my face faster than I expected. I pulled my cigarette as if fearing the water would put it out. I cleaned myself up quickly, in a meek attempt to conceal it.

"But something we didnt account for was.. how far the damage of betrayal went. It coursed through my veins. it haunted me like a ghost. it STILL haunts me. I was betrayed by who i had loved the most. it was my most venerable covenant with myself. I hated you for it." I took a long drag while looking at her dead on.

"I /hated/ you for it. I was still honestly happy to see you grow and change. but I had a darkness to me that was inconsolable. so much resentment. It was like seeing your favorite, most friendly friend... and knowing they accidentally killed someone over the summer. it was this duality of love and hate. you were my heaven and my hell. I didnt know to negotiate the two." I cashed the end of my cigarette and sat my elbows on my knees, chin on folded hands.

"My true anger. Once it all hit critical mass. once you pushed yourself beyond. after the death. after I started to really abuse your emotions, you measured me. I pushed my last time and much like the man before me, you agreed. I left you and you finally agreed. I was found wanting and it slapped me in the face. In that moment, I saw myself. I finally admitted and saw what I had become. a shadow of myself. a ghost of a kind man grown cold. It was like putting on glasses or a hat that fit. I was shocked. I was cowed. I was ashamed and I was repent. So many feelings at once strangled me and the one that erupted over them all was the loss of you. You were the trigger. You were the harsh truth I needed to hear. I shoot myself through the foot and you were the smoking hole that let me understand I wasnt okay." my eyes looked away shamefully, moving back in my seat. with an uncomfortable adjust, I continued.

"I...begged you. I found myself on the other side of that table, so long ago. caught within my own impulses and my worst behaviors. a victim of my own design. that person i loved and cared for so close and so far. I cried and I pleaded. I admitted my guilt and my sins and threw myself to you like you had shown me." my face contorted in what started as sadness, but transitioned into a crying glare.

"I asked you. with all my shit laid bare. I asked for another chance. I asked for your faith!" my eyes turned away, shaking my head, looking down.

"I dont know why I thought you had the emotional acumen to do what I had done. to give me the honest chance i had given you. hell, I helped develop those skills in you and that was my HARDEST emotional choice. thinking that you would.. that you COULD do that was irresponsible of me. But you said, 'yes.' maybe just to mirror me, maybe because you werent ready to lose me. whatever the reason, you signed a check your heart wasnt ready to cash."

"every misstep I made sent me right back to start. you didn't care that I was making progress. you didnt care I was taking better care of myself or moving towards the things o wanted. none of that mattered. you were done before you knew you were done. you let me.. twist and writhe and letting me make a fool out of myself trying to beg you to allow me the priviledge of courting you. Do you understand how fucked up that is to do to someone you've known for that long who is trying their hardest? I know I had a hard time trusting you originally, but I knew that was /MY/ problem and not yours. I worked on it in my own time and figured it out. you put all of it on me. you FOUGHT ME ABOUT TOM." I was yelling at this point. I tried to calm myself and take a deep breath, but those words rang over and over in my head.

"....you even admitted I was right to think what i thought. that means you admit my warning my legitimate and that means you were wrong to fight me and defend him. that was one of our last fights. and you never realised it wasnt really about him. it was about how you would more likely defend a friend that didnt deserve it, than believe someone who earnestly loved you. you have a Stockholm syndrome with your friendships and I'm tired of pretending you dont. It is not a strength and if you were smart, you wouldnt give away so much power to people you dont fully know. But whatever. I'm not here to advise anymore." another breath. another sigh. the last tirade.

"You gave me a chance without faith. you had no plan to work with me. you had.. no faith in me changing. because you needed me to change in a way that you understood, not in a way that actually benefitted me. Many people have come up to me unprompted to tell me they were impressed by what they had noticed. they still do. they talk about how much better off i am without you. how stronger I am." quiet tears cascaded down. soft, gentle ones. truer than the angry ones.

"...then why dont I feel strong? why dont I feel better off? you didnt.. didnt understand how to have faith in someone. you didnt believe in me. you saw me at my lowest and you turned away from me. all you ever understood was what could benefit you. even now. even with him. it's all about what you can take from it. you're a narcissist. the thing you loved most about me was what I could do for you. how I could take care of you. you monster. you used me. you used my infinite heart and blackened it. I learned nothing from you. that's my true anger. you looked away when I needed you most. you were there for better, but not for worse. I gave you an honest, real chance. what you gave me? it was nothing. I tore your stupid poster down. threw away your stupid clothes. our last talk? you wanting my body and still getting his. I am still the cake you want to eat while already having one. I just exist as someone to take from. I will always exist in your mind as a place to only take. if Death finds you? You will call upon me to take emotional solace. if Chaos finds you? you will call to take stability. I do not exist unless I benefit you. unless I serve. I had served you enough."

everything I was put through after Magnolia was hell. I know I complained about it, but I loved going to Magnolia every time. It was my first home. I loved exploring and going different ways.. seeing my old homes. the old streets. That was where our happiness died.

I forgive you for all the other things, but I can never ever forgive you for losing Faith in me. I forgave you after cheating on me and seeing someone behind my back. you couldnt forgive me after my heart was destroyed and my family died. you are self-centered. In the end, you dont care about others, you just care about how it affects you.

must be nice.

ps. I'm considering leaving her. not for you, but for me. I need something light and meaningless. youd probably fit the bill if you werent so embroiled in your own selfish gains. but I'm sure the feeling of anyone filling up that space in your bed in your wrecked room is good enough. whether you know them for a few months or 8 years.

[artstarstv]

Headbanging Sculptures: An Interview with Mimosa Pale

Wandering Shocks at Art Fair Finland, 2017 photo Neo Aarnikotka

Mimosa Pale is unlike any other artist you know. The Finnish performance artist brings sculpture to life through colorful materials, dance and artworks inspired by the carnival, jazz and old fashioned side shows. You might have heard of her hat shop Himo, where she sold handcrafted hats she made in the Berlin’s district of Neukölln (long before it became hipster paradise). That’s not all. Pale has also created technicolor, headbanging sculptures in Helsinki, leafblowed a public monument she covered in fringes and once even created a Marie Antoinette-style headpiece made of shot glasses. 

As she gears up for a book she is making with Justyna Koeke about Tinder dating in the forest, she’s also looking forward for the Stamp Festival in Hamburg, as well as an exhibition at Hilsbach Kunst & Kultur and a performance in The Hot Box. In the meantime, Pale spoke to us about carnival culture, hat-making and recycling for land art sculptures.

Wandering Shocks 2017, photo Lisabi Fridell

There is a great crossover between art and fashion in your work, where does it all come from?

Mimosa Pale: Well, actually I was never so interested in fashion, but more in masquerade! the idea to make my hatshop himo was out of the wish to have an art studio, where people, just anybody could pop in and have a reason to be there. I think people often have a fear to encounter art, as its  traditionally placed on a pedestal or golden frame. So Himo was my studio and a performance space and it was disquised as a hatshop. it had an himo-rosa velvet sofa and a little stage. but the most amazing thing for me was that people believed in my hatshop from the first moment. They came with their hat problems and surprisingly I was able to help them with  "turn it upside down and it looks great" mentality. This led to my real interest in millinery and I started taking courses in hatmaking. but in short: I wanted to combine performance art and sculpture in my hatstore, so I felt most succesful when a person came in and bought a hat, and would go out of the shop with a sculpture on their head creating  street life performance.

Mimosa Pale, Blow, Streetlevel Festival, Helsinki, 2015, photo Antti Ahonen

Why is a DIY approach important to your practice?

I think it has to do with my desire for borderless art. Art is for everybody, and everybody who wants can make it. The more people are encouraged to make art, the more interesting the world becomes. More people practicing self-realization in the form of art reduces stress and anxiety, makes you happier. so maybe it can be described as a social approach to art.

How does the history of costume influence your work?

I’m interested in carnevalism, and in the effects it has on people practicing it. Now that I’m in an artist in residency in Horb am Neckar and there is a vast culture in carneval, which is called "Schwäbisch-Allemanische Fasnet" . I have entered a fools guild just to study this whole thing.  We are carrying the "Häs" with a wooden mask, each weekend between january and march we go parading in an other town scaring the audience or throwing candy to them... and we meaning about 3000 fools from different villages. Its quite a blast! 

Mimosa Pale, Blow, Streetlevel Festival, Helsinki, 2015, photo Antti Ahonen

You really know how to create an atmosphere full of imagination, is your starting point playfulness?

To me, the performances have to make sense somehow. I guess I have a certain kind of logic there but maybe it comes across as something else! for example I just made a performance in Munich where I tried to transform myself into a living diamond. It kind of makes sense, doesnt it?! Who would’nt want to be a diamond? At the same time the visual aspect of an idea is very important; its part of the way an idea is transmitted.

You made feminist art before it was trending, what can you tell us about why the Mobile Female Monument counteracts the history of male, phallic sculpture?

The fact is that there are many sculptures in the history of art that are made by men, are huge, and are phallic. Mobile Female Monument encounters them being soft and mobile and as a place to go inside.  

I call myself a feminist and I’m often being labeled as a feminist artist but I still want to say that this work is more intuitive than its political (that there is more to it). It celebrates the vulva, carnivalizes it, lets everybody touch itself, invites people to create their own little spontaneous performance around it.  At that time I was interested in Commedia dell arte forms of present day, side shows and performance art’s borders. Naturally pissed off by the omnipresence of sex in the advertisements of this ostensibly sexually liberated society, I was curious to see what happens when the taboo is performed exaggerated in the bright daylight. I had to find something where people would stop without me having to stop them;  At the same time the work was personal: what is my sexuality, where is it going, it seems to be evolving. These are, I believe, universal thoughts. Yet there is not so much talk about it; and that’s where it I guess became interesting: showing something that everybody is thinking of.  

Mimosa Pale, Foliage 2018, photo Oona Heleena

Why did you want to do Foliage with your artist group, Wild Angelicas? 

I wanted to create more wearable sculptures, and I always have this feeling of discrepancy between sculpture and performance art. In this I made one piece for a tree and one for humans. I like the contradiction in the idea, being in a foliage one usually wants to hide, the reflecting fabric makes one extremely visible though. It was made in the time of #metoo debate, and I had the Story of Daphne in the back of my head. Feeling ill about the abuse on women and yet being relieved that something is changing.

What are the Wandering Shocks and why are they so fun? How do they interact with each other and the public?

The Wandering Shocks (shock is apparently another word for haystacks) are  performance sculptures (made of baking paper). They can visit a festival, or a gallery or just walk on the street; it always works! People love them! If there is music they dance, if not they still dance or do the headbanging. Sometimes they also just stand and people next to them forget there is a human inside. They interact with the public in a silent, friendly way. Its a fun way to bring art somewhere where its not been expected. They are sometimes mistaken for an advert (for example IKEA had something similar recently)...this reflects how people think nowadays.

Mimosa Pale: Foliage 2018

What was the goal of your piece Blow? It seemed to have some rock/metal undertones?

Do you mean the one where I decorated the public monument with fringes and was blowing it with the leaf blower? Im interested in how we perceive public art, monuments, its interesting how these become part of our daily life.  Also I think these monuments, and also our perception need airing from time to time. Decorating a monument changes the daily stage setting for a short time but I believe it can have inspiring effects on people for a long time.

Maternal Bio Power Plant (2014)

Where do you get your materials? How do you feel about recycling?

Good question! I wish I was the fair trade organic artist, but I’m not! When I’m sad about this I tell myself: I’m just a very very small artist... My best work material-wise was the Maternal Bio Power Plant (2014), a land art sculpture which was made of 170 tons of bulls manure. It was a huge breast, that also was functioning as a bio gas collector, built for an art exhibition taking place on a field. After the exhibition the farmer would just spread the 170 tons of manure as fertilizer on the field. At that time, I was breastfeeding and the breast was the most important organ of the daily life! It was quite funny really how I was working a month on the field covered with this shit (it was a rainy summer) and would now and then get a call from the house to run up to feed the baby. The stripping off the scum became almost like a ritual: in order to stay clean it had to be done carefully despite the urgency.

Performance in the exhibition "Stage" by Jukka Rusanen, Helsinki Contemporary, 2014, with Mimosa Pale and Joakim Berghäll, photo Mikaela Lostedt

What is your approach to performance art?

Performance art was one of the first art forms I started doing passionately and it has been an important part of my work. I think performance art is a very difficult form of art to work on continuously. I do now understand why most people are performance artists in their youth and stop doing it when getting middle aged. It is a direct, immediate, energetic, demanding art form. It requires extremely lot of energy if you want to regenerate your work every time. So doing an in-between thing seems to suit me personally. A bit of Sculpture, performance, music, head pieces... in a way I’m happy there is a form of art where I can combine all these things.

Who are your greatest influences in terms of art, fashion and culture? 

I’m a fan of Niki de Saint Phalle and the Nouveau Realistes, Meat Warlop, Meg Stuart.

Performance in the exhibition "Stage" by Jukka Rusanen, Helsinki Contemporary, 2014, with Mimosa Pale and Joakim Berghäll, photo Mikaela Lostedt

What do you try to communicate with your performance art?

I want to keep my work intuitive and I really try hard to stay truthful to myself and create a socially interesting atmosphere. I try to create a situation where people start communicating, not with me necessarily, but with the surrounding or within themselves.  Sure it varies from piece to piece, the location and venue effect greatly. but as a performance artist I’m aware that I’m taking peoples time, and as it is something so valuable in our world, I try to make the moments they spend watching me profitable! I was thought at art school that performance art is always going towards death. but in my opinion it can be far from it; away with the painful notion of performance art, the self suffering, vomiting artist sorting emotional crisis on stage. I wish my performance can be healing, entertaining, funny, interesting, empowering.

Where do performance art and sculpture intersect for you?

A sculpture is seldom enough for me as it is. !t needs some action! and that is very simply, where my sculptures intersects performance art. A humans size, My size, the body is in relation to the surrounding architecture, landscape, heaven, cosmos. This is what gives it already the frame: we are here on the planet in this size; what can we do? The truth is, my ideal sculpture is moving or changing or evolving.... I'm seldom content with an object that doesnt move! This applies to people and animals too !! So if I was good at engineering I propably would be making kinetic art. But as Im not into that, Me myself I’m the motor for my sculptures and thats what keeps me doing performance art.

What did you learn the most about making couture hats for your HIMO hat shop in Berlin?

I learned that selling hats is a difficult art of its own!  I learned how hard it is to make so many things in the same time; like producing head pieces, selling them, being present, making performances. The Himo time was a great time, I met many interesting people, having a shop makes you visible even in a big city like Berlin, and so I had the opportunity to work with people from fashion, theatre and music.  

What shows or exhibitions do you have upcoming? What are you currently working on?

I’m currently working on new sculptural work, its going to be art in public. I’m also working on a book with Justyna Koeke about Tinder dating in the forest. I’m also looking forward for the Stamp festival in Hamburg, an exhibition in Hilsbach Kunst & Kultur and a performance in The Hot Box.

Mimosa Pale, Study on Carpets, 2014

[ronaldreghan]

1-104

bruh

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

well that would be dani and i would be very confused. “why was i naked?” i would ask. i have no reason to be naked around dani. or anyone, for that matter.

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

well i found out he was a trump supporter (rip) so i deleted him from everything. i still feel gross and its been almost 6 months.

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

honestly depends on the drug. weed? i dont care. shrooms/lsd/acid? id be a little iffy, but i ultimately wouldnt care. heroin/cocaine/opiods? id immediately try to help them get help.

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

ya its 7 lol

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober (unfortunately)

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

no? i dont think so

7. What does your last received text say?

“i like that color”

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

idk we made out for like twenty minutes because i was too chicken to say “hey you were fun for ten minutes but id really rather be with my friends”

9. Where was your last kiss at?

some shitty halloween rave

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

i dont have a sister lol

11. What do you drink in the morning?

water

12. Where did you sleep last night?

in my bed? where else am i gonna sleep? the dumpster behind my dorm? a clown car?

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

yeah. its constant work, but it shouldnt be annoying work, you know? its work thats hard but you enjoy doing it

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? 

ya i wouldnt spend so much money lol

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

YES GET ME OUT OF THERE AWAY FROM TRUMP BOY

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

rainy!!!

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

nope

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

wish i fuckin knew. probably not.

20. Does anyone like you?

no i dont think so.

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nope

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

fuck no

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

the boy i last kissed

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

i already have one lmao

25. In the past week have you cried?

yeah i cried in the airport because i had to call my mom because i didnt have enough money for the uber home and i was freaking the fuck out

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

i dont know! but he was littleand cute and i love him

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

no all the football players i knew in high school were gross, and my current school doesnt have a football team

29. Do you think you’re old?

im not 20 yet so no

30. Do you like text messaging?

yes! i love texting! it makes it so easy to talk to my friends back home and also its so much easier to put things into writing

31. What type of day are you having?

eh, its ok. i met with my schools career service center and we talked about what i have to do to get my dream job, and also an actual job.

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

yeah, but i cant do piercings.

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

WARM

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

my dad! even though he annoys me sometimes hes still my dad and i love him a lot

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

a fling. i dont have the time, money, or desire for an actual Relationship rn

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

id like to think simple, but i also know that my logic doesnt always make sense to other people, which can make me seem complicated so *shrug* idk

37. What song are you listening to?

im listening to the sabres/sharks broadcast sooooo

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

usually39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

dani, anishka, brooke40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

well he plays for the sabres and hes super cute and i love him hes softe. he doesnt know i exist because why would he but i lov him.41. When did you last receive a text message?

well since i wrote the beginning of this post i have received two (2) texts, the most recent of which was 3 minutes ago42. What is wrong with you right now?

I NEED MONEY. I HAVE $6 IN MY BANK ACCOUNT AND I HAVE $100 IN FRATERNITY DUES AT THE END OF THE MONTH.43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

dani is one of my best friends lol44. Does anyone disgust you?

myself, mostly. but like, ACTUAL disgust? anyone who is alt-right.45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

probably not46. Are you in a good mood right now?

relatively, yeah47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my roommates48. What color shirt are you wearing?

its a black parade mcr shirt...................49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

yeah, that im poor lol50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

myself51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

yeah, i honestly hate him so much hahaha but yet were still facebook friends so 

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

the buffalo sabres53. Do you like rain?

yes!!! i love rain so much!!! especially thunderstorms!!!! 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

no55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

all the time in high school. i knew they didnt like me back, so pair that with crippling shyness and nothing ever happened.56. Do you like to cuddle?

YES. CUDDLE ME.57. Are you shy?

GOD YES. i Cannot talk to new people. 58. Do you get along with girls?

i gotta. us women gotta stick together.59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

yeah dani and i dated for like almost 3 months lol 60. What do you carry with you at all times?

my phone. i always, always have my phone with me. 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

oh fuck yeah. i love ghosts gimme some ghost love. 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

eh. sure, lets say yeah. 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

nope, but i wanted one. and now i am Here, single, bitter. 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

OH MY GODDDDDD FOREHEAD KISSES KILL ME AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ALSO TEMPLE KISSES GOD I AM SO WEAK FOR THOSE65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

yeah, i surprised brooke and dani and they both screamed which was probably cute, but mostly made me warm inside.

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

uh 19/20, 18, and 16 (at the time)

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? 

id do them myself lol i dont fucking care.   68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?

...zebra?

69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

no but i want some70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

lil wayne, i dont fuck my cousins.71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    

iphone bith!!!72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

like two-ish weeks ago?73. Do you like diet soda?    

yeah i like diet coke more than regular coke? idk it tastes better74. What color are the walls in your room?    

here theyre an ugly beige, back home theyre sabres blue and gold (i was in seventh grade ok bye)75. Are you 16 or older?    

ya im 19 now76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

nope.77. Do you have a job?    

not yet, but i applied for a ton! please send positive thoughts my way that i get one!!!  78. What are your initials?    

MMR79. Did you ever have braces?    

yeah, for two and a half years :/80. Are you from the south?    

do i fuck my cousins?

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

my most recent activity was me sharing the article about harrison browne retiring, but my most recent original activity says “ED SHEERAN IS COMING TO BUFFALO THIS IS NOT A DRILL”82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    

nope. he re-followed me on twitter in november tho lol83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

probably my mom, but it used to be the other way around.84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

no but i wanted to so bad when i was younger!!!85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

the lego batman movie lol86. Do you smoke?    

nope. both of my parents smoked cigarettes and i dont fuck with that. as for weed (which i assume this is actually referring to), i smoked it once over the summer,but i dont really want to again? idk i just have no burning desire to get high.87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

flip flops.88. Is your phone touch screen?    

ya89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

my hair is limp bitch90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    

yeah lol once i snuck out at 1 in the morning to go to noco and buy chocolate milk it was an Adventure91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

pool. im not about to get some fucking parasite in my vagina, which would happen to me with my shitty luck.92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

ye93. …Had sex in a car?    

no, im a version94. Are you single or in a relationship?    

single95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

what WAS i doing last night at midnight, thats actually a good question.96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

uh new years. in person? fourth of july i think.97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yeah. i mostly take my picture through snapchat so98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

I FUCKING WISH99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

no but ive thrown up.............100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    

a few101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

bitch do i look like im stickin dicks in my hoo ha102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

her cover of true colors? iconic, show stopping, brilliant, amazing, never been done before103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

yes! its amazing bc that never happens104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?    

FUCK. NO.

[mymagnificentself]

on conspirathy theories and whatnot

so for some reason ive been watching a lot of shane dawsons videos (and garrets bc hes like super adorable riGHt) recently and he does his conspiract theory show and hes done a few videos with the psychic twins or whatever talking about ghosts and parallel universes and alien abductions and all that kind of... idk i guess spiritual/conspiracy/theory whatever thing

and its really interesting bc ive never really considered any of that, im not really a believer of any sorts any way but i do have an incline towards things that are logically explainable;

but im trying to keep an open mind and whatnot although i think my mind is.. not like closed off but structured to be quite rational and i dont like dealing with irrational wobbly things like emotions and whatnot anyways and ghosts or spirits or whatever probably fall under that cathegory

and its not really anything thats affecting me in my daily life or that im confronted with in any way so its really interesting to seejust that completely different understanding of the world and how things are and what is possible.

and obviously some people have a bigger inclining towards things like that and actually my baby sister is definitely a lot more whatever eith emotional things and all that;

and actually she does frequently get freaked out about ghosts and stories people tell her, actually shes been scared of Killer Clowns™ for quite some time now and always needs the blinds closed so they cant watch her through the windo. ....which tbh to this degree i ansolutely cant understand and i think its a certain amount of ridiculous and stupid to psyche yourself out over things that are just... completely irrational like that and i try to explain to her that she doesnt need to be scared of anything like that and that its completely unrealistic for anything to happen to her

but actually she is just a smol baby girl and when i was her age i was afraid of dinosaurs until i realized how hilarious itd be to habe one roaming around our town too, and i suppose it just takes time to develop "coping mechanisms" or find comfort in rationalisations..

also she is a bit of a drama queen anyways.. which i do tell her sometomes but i stillntry to be a supportive brother and protect my baby sister from any harm so theres that

but so lately shes been afraid of a shadow thing that she had a dream about and refused to sleep with her lights off; and then ive had the crazy idea what if shes just ~sensitive~ and there is an actual ghost in the house which is messing with the internet as well (bc were having troubles with our vpn connection bc ever since.. a few weeks maybe its been dropping every now and then and that's just fucking annoying when you want to watch something)

but actually i just realize ive been watxhing my way through the second season of being human and there is a shadow being coming out of sallys door at theend of season one i believe and haunting her in the first bit, and she has been in my room while i was watxhing it so she nightve caught a glimpse of that...

so, mea culpa, but god bless logic for being able to reason away anything :p and im gonna have a talk with my baby sis tomorrow and hopwfully we can work somwthing out

bc to me personally i find great comfort in logic and reasoning things out and rationalising stuff (although i mean i too am great at psyxhing myself out if i want to but actually ive been keeping it pretty contained lately) buuut i get that thats not for everyone so... well figure something out.

and she still has a long way to go to fully develop character and whatnot, i just hope i can have a good influence on her and not... spoil her or mess her up in any way

im so glad im not a parent and id nevrr want to be all that responsibilty for another... THinG that you have to make into a PerSoN YiKES

[dance-of-dawn]

11.10.16

why am i like this. why now. tmrw's such an important day for me. i'm stressed and i'm freaking out but it's like coming out in a more emotional way and i hate it and i hate myself and i hate how negative i am and i'm so damn negative about everything and everyone and i hate myself and my life and everythinng everything. idk man. it's always just the same damn thing. i'm trying. i am. i am iam iam. but it's not enough. it doesnt seem to change anything it doesnt seem to work it doesnt seem to improve. i'm so ungrateful for everything i know there's way way way more to be appreciative of. i know there is. why cant i smile like before laugh like i used to, be positive and thankful like i once was. i'm never going to be the same person. what the hell happened to me what the hell why am i this way what happened what the hell happened what the hell did i do why why why i hate this i hate life. all i see is darkness all i care about is the darkness. i dont want to go to the light i dont want to find the light inside of me. idk what's worth it anymore. i loathe everything. i want death i want suicide i want the end i want it to be over. idk what else there is idk what the point is idk idk idk. everything is so unbearable and death is the only logical answer to me. why is suicide so difficult to commit why is it so hard to let go why cant i do why why why and then i get even more upset because i'm not brave or strong enough to die to commit suicide to die die die die die die die i hate crying i hate looking at myself in the mirror but i hate feeling numb and nothingness too idk i just hate everything i hate breaking down and falling apart like this i hate having to go through this and all the other crap shit bullshit i hate going through it idw to go through them anymore. i want to give up. i want to die. why isnt it easier why the hell isnt it easier what am i doing to myself seriously i'm my own undoing i dont want emotions i dont want any of them not the good ones not the bad ones. you hold on to the good ones and there's no point there's no hope hopeless useless futile stupid. there's nothing to believe in. i hate false hopes i hate ephemeral feelings especially because theyre the good feelings. i hate how i hope i hate how i let myself hope i hate how i didnt kill myself i hate how i didnt die i hate how i let myself think that things were getting better that i was getting better that i was okay what does okay even mean was i ever even happy i hate how easy happiness can be taken away from you why is it so easy. i'm such a mess a freaking wreck why is this happening now. i really need to do well tmrw i cant let ppl down i cant let myself down idk if i can do this i really dk and i'm so so so scared of screwing everything up of disappointing ppl idk sigh.