dance-of-dawn

[dance-of-dawn]

22.09.18

i am frustrated

at how much it takes

for me to stay alive and survive

much less to thrive

[dance-of-dawn]

21.09.18

it's 2222 here and today i've been dealing with a lot of my demons and i'm really exhausted. travelling nonstop and not being able to get good sleep has drained me.

i keep worrying over uni. i can't seem to move on with my failure in a levels. i can't seem to be kind to myself and not beat myself down. i can't seem to stop thinking about all the doors that have closed for me, (i hate to admit fomo but) about how i won't be able to have the same experiences as my peers.

i worry that i'm not making the right decisions for uni and i'm questioning the decisions i've already made. like one of my main goals at the start of the year was actually to move out asap. and yet so many of the choices i've made don't move towards this. we were transferring money to each other today and i looked at my bank account and it's really drained from not working for several months and from paying for therapy. i mean i know my dad's money will sustain me (privilege) but like if i really want independence, my finances need to work for me which they don't anymore. i'm upset that i saved up so much from army pay and now it's like going fast.

i'm increasingly worried how i'll cope and do in uni academically and socially. i feel like psychologically and physiologically i'm still extremely unstable.

i also can't fit into many of my pants anymore and it's just a punch in my gut knowing how hard i used to work at my fitness in army and how my body has gone to shit now and i feel like i'm losing control over it and (ultimately as it does for everyone) my body is betraying me.

i know i keep telling people i'm over joshua but today, i'm aching and aching with missing him. i miss nights when we'd hold each other and tell each other that everything's going to be okay. i miss nights when we're left in the office, the veneers we put up that day fall away and we can open up and be honest to each other. i miss slow dancing/hugging. i also hate to admit this but i miss the way he validates me.

sigh.

[dance-of-dawn]

23.08.18

the scars on my wrist define me as much as my a level results do. which is to say, not at all. instead, they are apparent reflections and visible manifestations of my otherwise invisible, repressed struggles.

[dance-of-dawn]

21.08.18

i'm losing sleep over the stress and panic of submitting university applications.

i still haven't submitted any since my last failed one to the italian university.

i'm trying not to think of it like this but there's that nagging voice telling me i'm sacrificing or forsaking previous dreams i had. this is not wrong. it feels like a mistake but more than that it should resemble new possibilities. unfollowing these dreams and chasing new ones are okay. it's frightening, sure, but it's okay.

i will be okay.

[dance-of-dawn]

18.08.18

so today we sent shawn off at the airport and when he went through immigration, this wave of sadness just washed over me and i wanted to say so much to him to show my appreciation because he and josh really were the ones who pushed me to talk to cpt jessie and to the MO so that i can seek professional help. our friendship hasn't really been the same since army ended and i guess that's the bigger reason why i'm so upset. the growing distance from my army mates has been so so so painful for me. these guys are people i have fought alongside with, from pro term to unit life, exercise after exercise. we lived together in the same bunks, we sat beside/on each other in the office, we slept in a mangled mess of limbs in the small confines of our guns. these are people i would die for and die with should there ever be a war. and it still cuts me deep that i wasn't able to go through our final evaluation with them in new zealand. i must learn to forgive myself because i am certain none of them hold it against me.

also i had a lot of time to talk to dennis before meeting shawn (he thought we were supposed to meet at 11.40 but i said 12.40 lmao but i came early at 12 so we had like an hour of great conversation). i'm so grateful. i kept lamenting that i missed him and the rest. and he just slapped me, physically (he slaps hard let me tell you) and mentally, telling me how he knows and he misses me too but that i really really must move on and forward with my life and not stay stuck.

i'm gathering the courage. i will be okay. i will be better.

[dance-of-dawn]

10.08.18

i want to stop weighing things. for their moral implications, long-term ramifications, monetary bottom line, other people's reactions, emotional fallout

[dance-of-dawn]

25.07.18

i think often times i struggle with not knowing what i need?

do i need advice or encouragement? these are two different things that don't always overlap.

do i need to feel loved or do i need to love myself?

[dance-of-dawn]

21.07.18

i feel like i've no fight left in me and i'm so so drained. i keep asking myself if i'm trying hard enough. i take my medication and i go for therapy and i wake up every damn day and get up and push myself to do stuff. yet nothing seems to ever work out and everything still hurts so much. i still hate everything and everyone and most of all myself. i just want it to end i just want it to stop i just want to give up.

[dance-of-dawn]

12.07.18

can i be honest?

i really highly doubt i am moving forward

and no matter how many times i turn it over and take it apart in my head -- i am the issue, the problem is me

as in i guess i know how we are actually complicit in one way or another in our unfortunate events/undoing

sometimes i feel so damaged, so depressed, so hollow that i don't really know how else to be and i perpetuate cycles of pain just to keep feeling

[dance-of-dawn]

11.07.18

"healing doesn't always look like life, sometimes it looks like death"

at times it feels like my only calling is the grave, is suicide, is death.

sometimes staying alive takes a toll on me.

[dance-of-dawn]

08.07.18

today, this little thing overwhelmed me so much that i had a flat-out meltdown. i screamed into my pillow and proceeded to lie on the cold floor. it was full-on ugly crying, making those guttural sounds.

[dance-of-dawn]

06.07.18

depression is woven into the fabric of my existence

and i must learn to live with it

instead of suffer from it

[dance-of-dawn]

04.07.18

i really hope to soon be able to move past to-do lists with mundane/minor tasks that used to be very difficult to do

taking longer strides towards life goals/prospects, i'm ready for more than baby steps

[dance-of-dawn]

29.06.18

i don't want to do this anymore.

i'm sick of waking up. i'm sick of waking up feeling like everything is irrenconcilable, everything is wrong, everything is hopeless.

i'm exhausted. i'm depleted from fighting my demons.

i just want to surrender to the hands of death.

[dance-of-dawn]

13.06.18

this battle with depression has impoverished me.

i am depleted. i am spent. i am worn out.

why is it that some days my hearts feels so empty that it becomes unbearably heavy?

[dance-of-dawn]

11.03.18

i noticed it somewhere in the middle of the party

i felt it nag at the back of my mind

that crash and burn moment

the falling apart

i suddenly feel so jaded, depleted by everything and everyone. friends, friendships, relationships, love, platonic love, romantic love, familial love, army, people around me, people actively in my life, people who i used to know, and so on.

i still don't know how to deal with these moments

i think all i do is wait for them to pass

but it's crazy and overwhelming like now

when they come in these waves

stronger every time

threatening to pull me under

to drown me

it's frightening

what's the point in me calling the people i love

when even i

am so unsure of what i want or need from them

and then secretly resent them for not being able to give "it" to me

though i still can't seem to figure out what "it" is

i guess they've always been collateral damage from my self destruction

and maybe i used to deceive myself

put up the illusions

that opening up to them is not dragging them with me but attempts at healing and forgiveness

i honestly don't know

[dance-of-dawn]

25.02.18

i miss you. i miss you so so much and i have so much i want to talk to you about, i have so much i want to ask you. how are you what have you been up to do you still think of me of us. i thought i let go of you already. i really thought i did. turns out i was wrong. i can't believe it still hurts, i thought i was over you. i still think about your smile and your laugh and your stressed-out face and the way your eyes are so sad and intense sometimes. did i ever get to tell you how beautiful your eyes are. i wish i didn't feel this way i wish it didn't hurt this much anymore. but i don't wish that i hadn't met you. you asked me that before and i hesitated. but the answer is no, i don't wish i hadn't met you. everything sucks and everything is shit and i want to tell you and rant to you about everything that's wrong with the world and also about nothing. and damn i want to fall into your arms and your warm embrace and i want to not feel so empty inside.