#well idk if i should show meh doodles i done these months

[axayt-thenightsoul-fox]

Hey i got a question What made you start this whole drawing thing?

Well... I wanted to answer this ask today cuz heh ik is a stupid milestone but idek what will happen in the future so...

2 years (and a month) ago i started my tumblr account (though i like tumblr more than Deviant Art cuz of Asks thingy and plus that was was getting annoying every time i tried post something on D.A. Idek why) so this question is really something..

I used to be a gaming kind of kid with no social skills and only gaming friends, my English was just basic (enough to talk and maybe swear -. _-.) so when my pc got weak for the games that got constantly updated.. I had no choice then to stop playing tf2 and other games like that.. Making me lose interest (and before anything! I gotta say! I hated drawing! Cuz well i saw it boring and cuz i had no inspiration).. So since fnaf series was at it's forth game, gotta say i tried making my oc without drawing him and i managed to! First was on a Minecraft server

Back then i was just making uhh cringe drawing of fnaf characters in high school (actually i wasn't in high school when i done the building in mc of my "oc") and trying to fuse nightmare foxy.. With hhh every other oc like foxy with chica but no gradient sometimes like lego i don't know where the drawings are but if you guys wanna see, i will try find em. Well after lots of playing on Minecraft and many days of just watching YouTube gamers, with a month before i entered grade 8 (like june? August? Ik it shows down on my profile roblox the date i created the account) i started playing roblox! And first game on there was Vampire hunters 2 and was so fun! There i met Mangle! Who given me a funny moment xD she thought i was a boy (cuz mostly i pretend to be one in games) and was having a crush on me, was honestly cute. Then i think in September i started playing on roblox, animatronic world : adventure edition, i honestly tried to go as close as i could to my idea of how my oc would look like and ended up like this

Well was a start... And after a few days of playing and well making up a story like "this is Foxy The NightSoul and he is cursed by idek" then for a while i roleplayed with a friend i lost connection named Goblin... Idr the rest of his name and with someone else who named their oc DemonBear, and welp there was a start of a story about a tortured soul, then Yoxxy The LightSoul was made who back then was called only Light cuz.. Eh limited mind, then i meet VixieCookie100 who well i role-played almost every day X3 and i can tell ya, no matter how bullied i was back then at school, i was mostly excited about the story we both made! (besides that she her oc Faded Killed Axayt and left him bodyless ^^;) was like the Knight and the Princess, honestly if i could remember everything i would tell ya guys! Well when she wasn't around i was randomly killing ocs in random rps i was getting into hehe... Then i meet Losty! Hehe and from there well i wanna say now short, my life was kinda changing! I was never suicidal and i thought back then that suicide is a stupid thing! ( clearly younger me would beat me up for becoming suicidal - w-") well i made lots of friends who i still talk to and to finally answer the anon ask! I loved my friends ocs and i wanted to bring them to life, back then my favorite youtubers was Crynight, Xboxgamerk, MrBreino, shgurr, Bonnie Bunny(GoldBox), Zajcu37, and many more! I was looking forward to animate in SFM but eh... I was having a bad pc.. So! Since i got more and more excited about their ocs and how amazing they were plus i loved my friends cuz they were always there for me back then.. Even now they still are and i appreciate it QwQ so i started drawing cuz of them! They inspired me so much! My first drawings was my ocs cuz... Ehh i had to start somehow... Then i tried drew them! And honestly Losty... Bunnies are damn hard to start draw when ya don't know almonst nothing about anatomy xD

So straight answer! My reason for starting drawing are my Friends! More specifically my old ones from roblox who are still with me QwQ like @riccidev (cuz the others i don't think they have a blog and they do, idk them cuz they rarely used them?? I guess)

Plus here is the redraw of this! (bonus a demon bird.. Thing..)

BEFORE!

AFTER! :3

[perlumi-delirium]

A bit of rambling ramble under the cut

I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing these past months. Even excluding the fact that I seem to have no recollection of febrary at all, I feel like my feelings on things have shifted so much that I’m at a loss of what to do. Maybe it’s because I’m growing up, maybe it’s because of something else, but I’ve become pretty distant with a lot of fandom stuff these past months. Well, to be entirely truthful, I did continue to spend time in fandom, but away from this account and the memories it ties me to. It feels a bit like running away, somehow. I’ve made another identity for myself, another account -away from tumblr entirely, I can’t keep up with this website these days. 

What I’m trying to say I guess is that I don’t even know how to approach some fandoms I was in before January happened. Particularily the TMA fandom, since that was my main point of focus at the time. It’s been really strange for me to realize that I don’t actually... feel like interacting with the fandom at all, when fandom has been essential to my enjoyment of something for several years now. 

But when it comes to TMA I feel like I’m just... indifferent? Maybe it’s because I actually have IRL friends I can chat with when I want to talk about it. (Neja, Chyw, Uni, if you see this I love you very much and I love our conversations!!) Or maybe it’s because it’s a podcast and I proceed things differently? Idk. 

It just has become clearer and clearer for me over the past weeks that I’ve been away because I actually wanted to be away, and not because I just couldn’t come back. 

It feels super strange to say, but I... don’t want to read tma fics all that much? I don’t want to listen to theories, or interact with people I don’t know and get stressed about way too many things again for no reason. I’m fine doing it with my friends, but actually interacting with strangers again, for the sake of fandom? It seems impossible to me. At least for this fandom. 

I enjoy doodling occasional potential designs of some characters, but I don’t want to share them either -because I’ve got that shitty fear that they’re either not interesting enough or just meh, idk. I’m sure nobody would judge me, it’s more that I don’t want anyone to ever take whatever I’m doing seriously when I honestly have legit forgotten things I have done recently. Sometimes I find a drawing that I don’t remember drawing, or a fic idea that doesn’t feel like my own, and I’m convinced my brain’s playing tricks on me. (okay, it sounds bad and ominous when I put it like that, but I swear that for the most part I’m okay, I’ve just had a rough year so far.)

I’m tired of stressing myself out for something that should -and for the most part actually and truly is- fun. So yeah. I still can’t believe I’m saying this, because it doesn’t feel like... me, you know, but I don’t want to draw fanart and put it on my blog, I don’t wanna listen to theories all that much, I don’t want to read fics I’ll never be able to write comments for... I just... don’t and it’s making me feel shitty. 

I’ve been coming to terms with it. It shouldn’t have been this hard, tbh, but fandom has been such an essential part of me for the past years that I just can’t seem to fathom a life without it. And I’m not saying goodbye to fandom alltogether! There are shows and animes that continue to draw me in, so I’ll probably continue to create content for them, although maybe it will never be on this account again. 

But I probably won’t ever write something TMA related. I do feel like I’d enjoy looking at more fanarts sometimes, so maybe I’ll come to do that from time to time. But I don’t want to read fics, or theories, or just, take it all seriously again. I don’t care for ships or AUs or whatever, I just want to cry over Melanie and Daisy and be done with it.

Just thinking about reading a fic and writing a review utterly exhausts me in advance, I don’t know why. I don’t wanna feel guilty again for reading fic without commenting, or even worse, feeling guilty because I don’t read fic when someone recced me one or something. 

I love TMA to death, but I also feel like I’m more comfortable loving it from afar, and being pretty much passive in my enjoyment of it. It’s a weird feeling. It’s not necessarily a bad one. I’m fine with being a nobody, a “casual” fan, whatever. I don’t want anyone to have expectations for me. I’ll just do my own thing, away. And it’s not a bad thing! I just need to truly believe it’s not a bad thing. 

This post is probably a mess, but I felt like I needed to put it into words. If you read this then, idk, thank you for being curious about my thoughts when you have no obligation to?