#well at least i'm doing shit for someone other than itachi so

[kyugens]

i feel like a decent rper again after these hc dumps...but i'm ashamed that i still cling to my nart muses bc they're my comfort zone

[cherubfae]

|| love rival || Akatsuki x reader

They're now realizing what a mistake it was to introduce you to the group, now they have competition with their own teammate.

tags: former ninja!reader, gn! civilian reader, established relationships, threats, violence, protective!akatsuki, slightly suggestive in Sasori's || MDNI

Pain

He knows that Konan is harmless and she's not the sort of disrespectful person to go sniffing about where she doesn't belong, especially where he and his partner are concerned. Pain, however, cannot tolerate the lingering touches Konan gives you as she passes by. Her hand brushing yours, guiding you with an arm around your shoulders, and blushing at you. He feels a warning is warranted.

"You are my dear friend, Konan, I have known you many years, but this simply won't do. You are better than how you are acting. Be respectful and leave them alone, and I won't need to inflict pain upon you."

Konan

Oh, well isn't this troublesome. Konan isn't the type to make idle threats, but Pain is her commander and leader. That would not be a wise decision on her part, but she does trust her long-time friend to be somewhat respectful and not place you in any situation where you would be uncomfortable. She's not above putting her foot down if she really must.

"Sir, with all due respect, my partner isn't interested and we would both appreciate you to mind your manners."

Obito

You are his everything. He would destroy the entire world for you. Level mountains, tame seas, there isn't anything he wouldn't do as long as it's within his power. He's pretty surprised that Zetsu even took a liking to you, as he's not one that's expressed interest in most anything other than his eating habits.

"Surely Zetsu is mistaken. My partner isn't a corpse for you to munch on you, nor are they yours for the taking. Keep your distance and I won't have to bloody you up too much."

Zetsu

As with anything, both sides of him are at a near constant quarrel with each other. His light side trying to reassure his darker side that Tobi is harmless and doesn't mean anything malicious by taking interest in you.

"Tobi is a good boy, he means no harm." "His harm is his unwarranted interest in our beloved partner. Fool! You have no sense, do you?"

Hidan

Honestly he could laugh so hard he may undo the stitches in his neck. That old fucker wants his partner?? Is he actually serious?

"Haha! That's fucking rich! You've gotta be at least one-hundred by now, huh? Fuck off, geezer! They're not yours!"

Kakuzu

Clearly decapitating Hidan over and over doesn't make him talk any less. Neither does stabbing him-- but it sure does take the edge off. Kakuzu would rather not deal with the younger man's insufferable stubbornness. You are his lover, his alone, and Hidan had no chance in whatever the fuck kind of afterlife his mighty lord Jashin provides. None. Fuck off, Hidan.

"As if they'd want someone as lowly as you. You don't even pay for your own shit. Remember your place or I won't hesitate to remove you from this world permanently. One swipe and your head will be freed from your miserable shoulders. I'm sure all sorts of insects would love to burrow inside of that hollow space."

Itachi

For a moment he's reminded of Sasuke's little schoolboy crush on you, except Kisame isn't Sasuke. He is a grown adult capable of getting in the way of Itachi's livelihood. Threatening the sanctity of his relationship. He's unlikely to do much other than step in if he crosses any boundaries or makes you uncomfortable. So until something is said, it's just this weird, heavy atmosphere. Kisame starts to speak but Itachi cuts him off immediately.

"Keep their name out of your mouth, Kisame. I won't warn you again."

Kisame

Oftentimes he wonders how lonely Itachi is. He annihilated his entire clan save for his younger brother in a single night. He took away everything he loved and for what? He can appreciate Itachi's past but Kisame doesn't take too kindly to the eldest Uchiha brother being a bit too welcoming and protective of his partner.

"Itachi, a word of advice. Don't shit where you eat. And keep your nose out of other's relationships. You're a good, respectable man and I appreciate your concern in my partner's well-being. Let me handle it from here."

Sasori

There's still the age-old artistic view difference between the two: eternal art vs shortlived art. One could argue both have their merits, but even after all these years it was a sore subject between the blonde and redhead duo. And now you were thrown into the mix.

"If you truly think you're so superior to me, Deidara, then perhaps you'd be more open to what a waste your art truly is. My partner prefers eternal, long-lasting, but there's nothing long nor lasting about, is there?"

Deidara

This was great. Jusssst great. Sasori had been hanging around his area of the hideout more and for what, Deidara wasn't sure. Until he recalled that you had been given special permission to visit from Pain himself. You'd forsaken your village long ago and clearly had no interest in reporting them, so it was allowed. Sasori had begun skulking about ever since and the blonde could guess why he might be drawn to you.

"If you even think about turning my partner into a fuckin' puppet, I won't hesitate to kill you, Sasori. No matter which way I go about it, you'll end up in splinters. So, I repeat. Stay the fuck away from them, hmm."

|| I DON'T GIVE PERMISSION FOR MY WORKS TO BE REPOSTED, RESHARED, OR EDITED. TUMBLR IS MY ONLY ACCOUNT AND THE ONLY PLACE WHERE I POST MY WRITING. ALL CHARACTERS BELONG TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNERS, THE STORY BELONGS TO ME. || CHERUBFAE © 2024

[mixelation]

hello yes i wrote team disaster babysitting. deidara pov because why not. i'm thinking AFTER their chunin exams (which they fail) so they're still sort of hanging out as a genin team but there's a somewhat established rapport with the Uzumaki-Namikaze social cloud, for example they've at least interacted with kakashi a few times

Deidara found himself alone in the mission office on a Friday morning. He’d volunteered to go while Tori and Itachi waited in line for breakfast, because waiting in line was for idiots. Also, he liked to be the one to pick missions. Tori wildly underestimated what she could handle, and Itachi picked missions based on what omiyage he could bring back to Sasuke. Nerds. 

“Hokage-sama requested your team specifically,” the desk-nin told Deidara. 

“Oh yeah?” Deidara asked, accepting the scroll. “Any idea what it is?”

With their team, it could range from anything to some insane and super fun S-rank down to a D-rank where someone fucked up the fuinjutsu trap on their front door and needed an expert to undo it, like the ninja equivalent of using your keys. Well. An S-rank wouldn’t come in a regular scroll. But it could be a B-rank…

The desk-nin just stared back at Deidara. “That’d be against protocol.”

Whatever. Boring. 

It would look bad for other people to see Deidara open the scroll without his team, so he hurried out of the office, dodging around a half-asleep chunin. As soon as he stepped out of the office proper, Hatake Kakashi of all people melted out of the fucking wall. 

“What the fuck,” Deidara swore at him, barely avoiding running right into him. 

“Hello there, my adorable ninja sibling,” Kakashi said, stepping right in his way. “I see you have a mission scroll. Have you opened it yet?”

Kakashi was grinning at him, so hard his one visible eye was crinkling. Also, only Kushina-sensei ever referred to them as “ninja siblings,” because that wasn’t a thing. Something was up. 

“It’s bad form to do it without your team,” Deidara replied slowly, hackles raised. When had Kakashi ever shown interest in their missions before they had a chance to go spectacularly wrong? 

“Oh, yes, good, good…” Kakashi said vaguely. “Well, I hope you three have fun.”

He disappeared in a whirlwind of leaves. What the fuck, indeed. 

Deidara ducked into the bathroom on the second floor to open the scroll. It wasn’t like it was illegal for him to do it– Konoha was just really into all their genin doing things together and blah blah blah. Whatever. 

The mission parameters of the scroll were actually quite short, which either meant something so classified they couldn’t print things, or the most boring mission possible. 

A big blue D ranking glared up at him. So it was the latter. Blegh. 

Babysitting…? 

xXx

“Not Kakashi-nii-san?” Naruto whined. “Dad, you promised–”

“Kakashi had… something to do,” Minato answered, shooting his son a placating smile. “But look, Sasuke’s here!”

Sasuke did not look happy to be there, fidgeting at Itachi’s side. Naruto gave him an extremely judgemental one-over. 

“We’re going to have tons of fun, Naruto-kun!” Tori said, putting on her most disarming smile and flashing a thumbs up. 

Naruto looked doubtful. Last time she’d been here, Tori had been very insistent on doing a jigsaw puzzle, because Tori was a nerd who liked puzzles and didn’t understand small children didn’t. Deidara wasn’t sure what the appeal of Hatake Kakashi as a babysitter was, but he definitely seemed cooler than Tori. 

Not cooler than Deidara, obviously. 

Kushina-sensei and Minato were going to go out to eat on a rare date night, and Kushina passed over a post-it note with the restaurant’s phone number. She said their plan afterwards was to take a “long, private walk” for several hours and that they could be reached via ANBU in case of a dire emergency. 

(Fuck. They were going to go off and fuck, possibly in the woods or some shit. Thanks for sharing, Kushina-sensei.) 

They received instructions for heating up dinner and Naruto’s bedtime, and then were left alone with the kids sitting around the dining table. 

“Do I really have to stay the entire night?” Sasuke demanded of Itachi as soon as the adults were gone. 

“Yeah, Mom says I have to give my bed to him,” Naruto agreed, crossing his arms in a stunning imitation of Kushina-sensei’s disapproval pose. “That’s just not fair.”

Sasuke stuck out his tongue, and Naruto wadded up his napkin and threw it at him. 

“Whoa there,” Tori protested, grabbing it out of the air. “That’s not a situationally appropriate way to express your feelings, Naruto.”

Had Tori… ever spoken to a child?

“Sasuke, we won’t be going home until after you’re asleep anyway,” Itachi said blandly. “Besides, you like Hokage-sama’s pancakes.”

Naruto brightened. “Dad said he’s making pancakes?”

Briefly distracted by the distant dream of pancakes that Itachi may or may not have just made up, the two boys calmed down enough for them to get dinner on the table. Then they immediately started bickering again. 

Deidara had no idea why Kushina-sensei insisted they were friends. Itachi also insisted this but Itachi was also, like, noticeably insane about all things Sasuke. Deidara just didn’t see the point of forcing playdates like this. 

“Okay, that’s it,” Deidra decided when Naruto flicked rice at Sasuke. “You lost seat privileges, yeah.”

“What–” Naruto started as Deidara picked him up by under his arms. “Hey!”

Deidara sat him back down at the other end of the table. Itachi wordlessly passed Naruto’s plate over. Sasuke looked like he desperately wanted to mock Naruto, but his eyes kept flicking back to Itachi. Apparently Sasuke could act slightly civilized with Itachi literally breathing down his back. 

Naruto got extremely pouty and refused to finish his whole meal, but they did get through dinner without a food fight. 

“I found a super fun game,” Tori announced while Itachi peeled and cut up pears for dessert. She set a box down on the table. “It’s a puzzle of the Elemental Nations, where each piece is a province! Is that fun?”

Both boys stared at her. Tori stared expectantly back at them, like she was waiting for them to burst into cheers any second. 

“Do you want to see what’s in my room?” Naruto offered. 

“Okay,” Sasuke agreed. 

Naruto grabbed the entire bowl of pears the second Itachi set it on the table and zipped off, Sasuke on his heels. Tori sunk into her chair, pulling the puzzlebox towards herself. 

“Well, I think it sounds fun,” she mumbled.  

There was the distinct sound of one of the boys slipping on the stairs, followed by the clang of the plastic bowl hitting the ground, and Itachi sighed and followed them. 

The next couple of hours Deidara would categorize as “not terrible, for a D-rank.” Deidara convinced the boys to abandon Itachi to clean up the pears, and Naruto very proudly showed off the little training target and plastic shuriken set he had in his room. The plastic shuriken couldn’t stick in anything, but they were weighted to mimic an actual shuriken, and the target mat hanging from the back of Naruto’s door  changed colors where pressure was applied, so you could see where you hit it. 

“Nii-san lets me use his real kunai,” Sasuke sniffed, even as he picked up a baby blue shuriken. 

“Well, he’s not supposed to,” Naruto countered. “Dad said.”

Deidara cut off the argument by picking up a pink shuriken and nailing the target in the center. 

They played with the shuriken for a while, and then Naruto unearthed a board game from the mess of his room. Both boys seemed very intent on beating each other, but Deidara got bored with it about three turns in, and Itachi showed back up with a washed bowl of cherries. Tori trailed in behind him with a deck of cards from the same pile of games she’d found the puzzle.

“I’ll teach you how to gamble,” she told the boys, and Itachi buried his face in his hands as both of them lit up.

Card games were fun for a few rounds, until it became clear that Tori didn’t didn’t know you were supposed to let little kids win every once in a while lest their little feelings get hurt. 

“Don’t show them your full hand until you’ve already won!” she proclaimed, pulling her pile of random game pieces they’d been betting with towards herself. 

“That means she’s cheating,” Deidara told the boys sagely. “You should throw her out, yeah.”

“I’m not cheating–” Tori protested. “Hey– hey!”

Watching Tori get wrestled out of the room by two eight year olds was, actually, one of the funniest things Deidara had ever seen. So, the night wasn’t so bad… right up until Itachi announced it was bedtime. 

“But we didn’t even finish our game,” Naruto protested, gesturing at the board game they’d abandoned. 

Sasuke’s eyes flicked between Itachi and Naruto. Sasuke had to be acutely aware of Itachi’s… personality. If Itachi decided you were going to do something, you were either going to do it, or you were going to have to unleash an S-ranked jutsu to make him back down. 

Sasuke might have been ready to defer to Itachi, but Naruto had a whole eight years of practice ignoring the Hokage himself. He puffed himself up and metaphorically dug his heels into the ground. And, to what looked like Itachi’s dawning horror, Sasuke decided he wasn’t going to let Naruto outdo him. 

“No,” Itachi said to Sasuke’s impressive puppy dog eyes, but Deidara could see him wavering. “No. Go brush your teeth.”

“RUN!” Naruto shrieked, and then the air was filled with glitter. 

“Oi,” Deidara protested, grabbing for him, but then immediately recoiled when his hand touched something slimy. 

Craft glue? Deidara wondered, barely registering Sasuke flipping the boardgame into Itachi’s face. Both boys run out of the room giggling. Is this why Kakashi was acting like that?

Kakashi had had to cut something strange out of his hair a couple months ago… 

“No, my puzzle!” Tori screeched from downstairs, so apparently she was useless. 

Itachi clicked his tongue in annoyance, and Deidara watched as he flash stepped over the stairs’ banister, rather than run down them like a normal person. Deidara followed him. 

Most little children usually couldn’t do their own jutsu or cunning plots to foil Uchiha Itachi. But most little children didn’t have full access to the Hokage’s house. 

“Later, loser!” Naruto yelled from what Deidara had thought to be a closet door in the living room, and then slammed it shut. There was a click and a flash of light to indicate a jutsu, and then absolute silence. 

Itachi stepped forward and tried the doorknob. It didn’t budge. 

“Oh, that’s…” Tori started. “Yeah, you’re not getting that open.”

It wasn’t a closet, apparently, but rather some sort of safe room. Whatever jutsu was on it not only prevented them from opening or kicking in the door, but it also completely soundproofed whatever was happening with Naruto and Sasuke on the inside. This was probably a good idea if the Hokage’s family had to hide during an emergency, but a terrible idea if your son was a little shit who hated bedtime. 

“If the Hokage and Kushina-sensei designed it, I doubt even you could blow it open,” Itachi said to Deidara. After a beat he added, “Not that you should try.”

“I’m sure they’ll get bored and come out, yeah,” Deidara replied. “I’m going to check out their movie collection.”

One movie later, during which Itachi paced around behind the couch and in front of the safe room door, it started to occur to Deidara that maybe they weren’t going to come out. Or, god forbid, they simply weren’t able to. 

“Tori,” Itachi whined. 

Tori made a big show of laboriously standing from the couch, but Deidara could tell she loved every second of it. 

“Let’s see what’s going on with this seal,” she said, and then slapped her hand against the door. She did it with more drama and flourish than she did most things, which was just how she did anything involving channeling her own chakra. It was sort of pathetic, in Deidara’s opinion, because nothing Tori could do with her own chakra as of now was nearly as impressive as the type of shit she did without it. 

This technique was one Deidara had witnessed Kushina-sensei teach her, and it was one of a number of super basic fuinjutsu skills Tori had somehow skipped. It was one of the few fuinjutsu “lessons” Tori had received where she didn’t get an internal-screaming looking in her eyes as Kushina-sensei explained something that Tori clearly already understood. The technique forced collapsed seals to unfold themselves. 

(“Have you just been working blind?” Kushina asked, aghast. 

“Sometimes?” Tori replied. “You don’t always need… well, I can unfold them with another seal–”

“Tori, that’s the hardest way to do it–”)

The seal appeared beneath Tori’s fingers, spidering out across the door and then onto the walls and even across the floor and ceiling. Tori took a step back, eyes darting around to study the seal as it grew. Deidara was no fuinjutsu expert, but this had way more parts than any of the barrier seals he’d seen Tori make before. 

“Jesus Christ,” Tori breathed out. She hadn’t accidentally sworn by her family’s god since the whole reincarnation thing, which meant whatever they were looking at was really, really bad. 

“Well,” Tori said after a beat. “It’s good for children to learn that their actions have consequences.”

“Tori,” Itachi hissed back at her. 

“What? They’ll be fine in there. It’ll only be, what? Three more hours, max?”

Itachi glared at the wall. 

“We could contact Kushina-sensei,” he said finally. 

“What, and ruin their date night?” Deidara countered. “I’m with Tori. Kushina-sensei would never let us live it down, and the kids will be fine, yeah.”

Itachi glared at the wall some more. He twitched. 

“Could you at least take down the soundproofing?” he asked finally. “What if they’re scared?”

Deidara groaned. What if they need a little snack? What if they have to pee? Who cares!

“Actually,” Tori said brightly, eyes still studying the seal, “it’s really well-integrated, so it’d be easier to undo the whole thing–”

Itachi twitched again. 

“You need to calm down, yeah,” Deidara told him. Tori wrinkled her nose at him. “If you get started about ‘microaggressions,’ again, Tori–”

Itachi did not calm down. Eventually, he summoned a crow to contact Hokage-sama, as if he didn’t care how hellish it was going to be to have to deal with Kushina-sensei after they box-blocked her. 

Also, like, rude? Even old people deserved to get some sometimes. 

“Okay, okay, fine,” Tori said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Itachi, can you use your Sharingan to confirm whose chakra is powering this thing?”

The crow stayed on Itachi’s shoulder as he studied the seal. 

“It’s a mix,” he said eventually. “Mostly Hokage-sama, with Kushina-sensei, and… ah, I guess the third one is Jiraiya-sama.”

“Okay, thanks,” Tori told him. “I think deactivating it is chakra-specific, so only those three people can do it. If you can find something in the house with some of their chakra, I might be able to trick it.”

Itachi nodded solemnly and then walked off, crow still on his shoulder. Tori continued to stare at the seal, biting her thumbnail in thought.

When Itachi was gone, Deidara asked, “What sort of object do you think he’ll find?”

“Oh, I just wanted him to go away,” Tori replied, leaning against the back of the couch. “If Itachi finds anything, I’ll tell him it’s not enough.”

Deidara stared at her. Normally, he’d be very pro manipulating Itachi. But…

“So you can deactivate,” he concluded. “Why not just do it?”

Tori took her time to answer, and Deidara heard Itachi open a squeaky drawer in the kitchen. 

“I don’t think I should be parading around the fact that I can just undo the Hokage’s personal seals,” Tori said finally. 

“So what?” Deidara countered. “You work for him. He’ll be delighted, yeah.”

Tori bit her lower lip. Don’t show them your full hand until you’ve already won, she’d said. She sat through so many lessons where she pretended she had no idea what Kushina-sensei was talking about. 

Deidara reached over and shoved her. 

“Hey,” Tori protested. 

“You’re being so stupid, yeah,” Deidara told her. “They knew since day one I could blow up the whole village if I really wanted to. That’s why they recruited me, yeah. You’re supposed to let your village know how good you are.”

Tori gave him a look like she thought he was the one being a little stupid. 

“It’s different for me,” Tori said finally. “I’m not– you and Itachi, you could fight your way out of anything. I have to play smarter than that.”

“Play?” Deidara repeated. “What game do you think you’re playing? Hokage-sama and Kushina-sensei aren’t Orochimaru. They’re not going to cut out your spleen because they get bored. There’s no ‘game,’ yeah.”

“They let me play with their kid,” Tori protested. “Their trust–”

“What the fuck, Tori,” Deidara countered. “They let Itachi play with their kid. They already trust us. They’ll trust you more if they know you’re not going to burn your eyebrows off making stupid fuinjutsu mistakes.”

Tori turned her face back to the seal. “Hmm.”

“Whatever,” Deidara told her, flopping down onto the couch. “If you want to be a moron and let Kushina-sensei keep wringing her hands and giving you fuinjutsu tips you don’t need instead of actually being useful to you, I don’t care.”

Eventually, Itachi came back with chakra-infused ink. He’d also grabbed some brushes. 

“Actually, I think disarming it completely would be a security risk,” Tori told him, looking him dead in the eyes. The crow ruffled its wings. “But I’ll get rid of the soundproofing, if you want.”

It took her two tries and over an hour of work, but Tori didn’t blow anything up or set off the additional alarms in the seal. 

“Naruto-kun is so annoying,” Sasuke reported through the door, completely unafraid and unharmed. “And so stupid! He’s been trying to open it but he doesn’t remember how.”

The safe room had both food and water, along with little cots, and they managed to convince the boys to go to sleep before Minato and Kushina got home. 

“Oh crap,” Kushina said when she saw the seal. “Guys, I’m so sorry, he’s done this to Kakashi twice–”

“And you didn’t warn us?” Itachi cut her off, eyebrow twitching. He’d dismissed the crow, at least. “Or adequately teach your son how to undo it?”

Kushina-sensei blinked down at him. “Well, I mean– he’s a kid. We figured he’s not experienced enough to make the call about when it’s safe enough to come out.”

Itachi opened his mouth again, probably to explain to Kushina he thought she and her husband were idiots, but Tori stomped on his foot. He closed his mouth. 

Minato had approached the door, likely with the intent of undoing his deathtrap, but had become distracted by the additional seals Tori had painted onto the wall directly to the right of the door. 

“Oh, sorry about that,” Tori said, foot still in range of kicking Itachi. “Itachi was worried when we couldn’t communicate with them, so I tweaked the soundproofing a little.”

Minato tapped a finger to his chin, looking thoughtful. “I see.”

“Hmm, I guess if Naruto’s going to activate it in non-emergencies we do need to give him a way out,” Kushina-sensei continued to babble, stretching as she stepped around her husband to check out Tori’s work. “Yikes, Tori, why didn’t you just undo the whole thing? Would’ve been way easier.”

Tori was watching them very intently, still standing closer to Itachi than she strictly needed to be. She’d also put Deidara between herself and the seal, he noticed. 

Paranoid bitch, he thought. 

“She said it’d be a security risk,” Deidara answered for her, moving so he was no longer between them. Tori glared at him. “Like you might need to use the room again in the next couple of hours or something, yeah.”

He yawned performatively. 

“Did you hijack the chakra in the seal?” Minato asked, sounding baffled. 

“Yeah, babe, what else would she do? You know she likes medical stuff, and that’s all they do–”

In the end, Tori learned she could have made her seal with about thirty fewer strokes, Sasuke woke up and demanded he be taken home, and Deidara barely dodged a newly escaped Naruto throwing tinned natto in his hair. 

“Brat!” Kushina-sensei bellowed. “You know it’s past your bedtime–!”

On their walk back to the genin dorms, Tori seemed oddly pleased with herself. It wasn’t the way she’d normally express pride; there was no wild gesticulating or her attempting to explain every detail of her latest feat. Instead, she kept her eyes on the sidewalk and a tiny little smile on her face. 

“What’s up with you?” Deidara demanded after a few blocks. 

“Oh, um,” Tori fidgeted. “That went better than I thought, I guess.”

That was actually really fucking sad. Had Tori always been like this?

Deidara reached over and shoved her off course. “I told you, yeah.”

[x-authorship-x]

Hi🌻💕💕💕

🍌 In your opinion, what’s the funniest joke/reference/pun you’ve made in a fic?

🍐 Is there anything in canon that you absolutely hate and love to fix in fics? A wrong choice made, a fuck-up in characterization, a misunderstanding never cleared up, a conversation never shown onscreen, etc…

🍈 Who’s your blorbo and what are some of your favorite headcanons/ideas about them that repeatedly show up in your fics? Free pass to rant about blorbo opinions.

Hi Sisdiss 🥰

🍌 I don't know if I've really cracked joke-jokes, I usually prefer ludicrous scenarios in the body text and then A/N memes afterwards, but.... Favourite silly situation is Squad Two's night out drinking in No Tomorrow and favourite A/N joke is, in Until Dawn Breaks, when I cracked jokes about Ao and Shisui's dynamic (imagining Shisui fleeing Kiri with the Scooby Doo chase music over the top lmao) but it's a very close competition with everything Akira has ever said lol

(I forgot the oneshot Coffee Shop AU where Genma is very cringe when hitting on Shisui and Kakashi... This one probably wins for the joke lines)

🍐(the entire mess of Narutoverse canon and timelines?) well, I'm a repeat offender for saving Shisui's life but, more broadly, I love to actually break down a particular character's motivations, actions and abilities and think 'okay but how would these events REALLY play out now?' and then fuck around and find out 😂

🍈 OKAY toot toot Shisui-centric alert! Blorbo rant incoming~

Shisui is just.... Amazing. If you have a short list of the shared characteristics of Amazing Characters, someone being genuinely loyal, having integrity, and keeping hope is just.... Yes. Double points for being a sweetheart with horrible trauma and angsty obligations to both system and clan!

Shisui has, frankly, the worst Mangekyou ability because it's also the strongest and the scariest (at least with Itachi you know you're being tortured, Kotoamatsukami has very scary ramifications for reality and free will). Don't come for me with a list of the others (Shisui never actually uses Kotoamatsukami in canon and yet he's at THAT level with his genjutsu and speed? Kamui, Izanagi, etc etc, are OP and versatile but Kotoamatsukami is literally unstoppable and unbreakable and untraceable and if Kishi didn't make that stupid, nonsense rule about 'ten years' and didn't kill off Shisui when he realised just how insanely OP he'd made Kotoamatsukami, then Shisui would literally be the top Uchiha EVER) because I can whip out a thesis defence of how terrifying Kotoamatsukami is (ten years after one use is BULLSHIT and we're ignoring it) and how I literally would never trust any other character than Shisui with that ability (including Itachi, because he's proven an alarming propensity for following orders without thinking ANYTHING through - why the fuck are you trusting Danzo, who stole Shisui's eye and made him jump???? UMMM).

Uchiha are known for their eyes, if an Uchiha is powerful it's because of their eyes. Look at Itachi, his torturing genjutsu is like the Boogeyman of Narutoverse for so long, Madara and Izuna's eye angst defines them, they all play tug of war over Rinnegan and Eternal Mangekyou, Sasuke uses ninjutsu and kenjutsu only to whip his eyes out and cut the fight off at the knees, Obito literally uses Kamui as often as possible, even Kakashi is known for his borrowed Sharingan rather than Hatake or personal abilities.

...but not Shisui.

Oh, Shisui has a genuinely ridiculously powerful Sharingan but he NEVER uses THE technique. He uses regular genjutsu to scare the shit out of everyone, even sending Ao and Kiri Hunter-nin fleeing without even physically engaging with him; just the sight of Shisui watching them and a touch of his chakra is enough for Ao (THE Hunter-nin's top dog from THE Bloody Mist) to break a sweat and abandoned the mission.

Shisui is known for the Shunshin, something so basic and easy that every Genin and ninken can do it. Its like meeting someone so good at skipping rope that they can do gymnastics feats and then strangle their enemies without breaking rhythm. That takes not just natural talent but an insane level of dedication and practice. Other Shinobi use the Shunshin casually but for Shisui to be so good that THAT is his namesake and not his genjutsu... Can we just think about that for a second?

Also the fact that Shisui is prodigious enough (not even getting into my AU timeline of graduation and family relations etc) to be a role model and tutor for Itachi and, by general fandom consensus, died when he was 14-16. That means Shisui was ANBU possibly before he was 14, since he was a team leader and arguably then a Captain. This means Shisui must've been even younger when he reached Jounin, younger again when he was Chuunin, graduated possibly as early as Kakashi and Itachi did... And it's just never talked about??? Canon and fanon are OBSESSED with complicated OP characters; to draw the comparison again, Kakashi is known for his borrowed Sharingan and his Thousand Jutsu whilst Itachi is the Genius of the Uchiha with nightmare flame eyes and the ability to slaughter his entire Clan without interruption or injury (numbers possibly between several hundred and several thousand).... But Shisui is faster than Itachi and Kakashi, he's just as smart, he's more sociable and hopeful than either of them- and it genuinely flabbergasts me that he's not more hyped for it. Shisui was killed off by Kishi because he knew he Done Fucked Up with making such an amazing character and inserting him into pre-canon drama without accounting for how insane his influence and legacy would've been.

Shisui is so slept on it HURTS

Quickly scrolling back up to the ask because I've forgotten what the original question was my own headcanons for Shisui

- graduated at 6 (Kakashi is at 4, Itachi at 5) and activated his Sharingan when his parents died shortly afterwards

- Mangekyou at 8 when he was fast enough to save himself but not his Genin team

- Inoichi takes Shisui on as an apprentice. Inoichi doesn't have time for a genin team but there's an eight year old with the most psychologically and ethically fucked up Dojutsu shivering in a hospital bed and Konoha cannot afford for him to go rogue or burn out before they can benefit from him. Cue fatherhood.

- Shisui has extremely good chakra control. His genjutsu, not even Kotoamatsukami, is so powerful and yet finely woven than even Ao's stolen Byakugan couldn't see it coming OR face it directly. Shunshin seems to be using chakra to augment movement and increase speed (furiously side eyes Tsunade's strength) so Shisui's ability to be so fucking fast (he's the fastest ever Shinobi to me, Tobirama and Minato don't count because they 'jump' with seals whereas Shisui is Actually Running) that doesn't rip his limbs off or fuck him up internally must mean that his chakra use is just... Perfect. Watch me want to write a Healer!Shisui fic omfg

- he's Kagami's grandson, Mikoto's nephew

- summoning chakra has life altering effects on human chakra (Inuzuka ninken across generations as exhibit A) so Shisui and Itachi have some very subtle (and more obvious) bird instincts (including that amazing ability to retrace their steps without checking the stars, maps, a compass, or knowing the exact directions)

- Kagami was ambassador to Uzushio. I love this one because it lays a great foundation for Mikoto and Kushina's friendship and it also adds depth to Shisui's Feelings about Konoha and loyalty

- Shisui is in an ANBU Squad (usually Squad Two) with Kakashi, Genma, Raidou, and Tenzo... Why? Because I love them, your Honour. Also it's a great range of abilities, personalities and they all have different reasons to be feral loyal to each other and Konoha

- Shisui is amazing with kids. He is simultaneously the meme of carrying the kid by their leg (Sasuke) and cuddling them in a blanket (Itachi). Look at how amazing he was with Shy Baby Itachi? Shisui is the very very sensitive and gentle and warming ambivert friend who adopts every single introvert he meets (Tenzo, Itachi, Kakashi) and is in turn adopted by extroverts (Genma, Ino, Gai)

- his ANBU alias is Monkey. I picked this animal because I didn't want anything too obscure or obvious (Crow, Raven, Cat, etc) and then I liked the idea that he can wiggle out of everything, it's a little bit wise and a little bit humourous and a little bit Uncanny Valley. Now, I can't not make Shisui into ANBU Monkey 😅

- He's too good for this world. Wait that's not a headcanon that's just fact 🤭

Thanks for playing, this was really fun!!

[justice4sasuke]

Character Roundups Round 6: Team Hebi/Taka

Ah yes, the old "we need someone for Sasuke to bounce off of" gang.

Team Hebi/Taka as written and framed by Kishimoto: Kishimoto doesn't give a solitary shit about those three and he constantly either makes them jokes, expositors, or in the case of Karin uses her to make Sasuke seem evil when he's having a breakdown.

Bonus! Fandom interpretation: There are some fans, particularly Sasuke fans, that seem to think that this group is good friends or something. The one "friend" moment for that is really just an excuse to have Sasuke see Team 7 in them and after that is mental breakdown time. Of course that's not so say people can't like to think of that or imagine it, just don't tell me that they were ever close or anything. The thing is literally all of them were using each other to their own ends and I'm not saying friendship CAN'T come from that but in this case it did not.

How it should have gone: I'm going to do a little thing for each of them, but first and foremost. DON'T TURN YOUR CHARACTERS ONLY INTO JOKES! Treat them with some respect and care. Okay, let's do this.

Suigetsu: Besides being a character for Sasuke to bounce off of, Suigetsu is really only here to exposit on the swordsmen of the mist bless his heart. Also he is the only one of the four genuinely scared of Orochimaru so it makes me really sad that he ends of hanging out at Orochimaru's hideout with Juugo and Karin in the end. That's the number one thing I would get rid of, let the boy go home to the Mist Village or something. Other than that I'm not sure what to do with him. I agree that it works best for Sasuke to have someone to bounce off of before beating Itachi, but after that there is nothing for them to do so what DO you do with them? Especially Suigetsu who is there to just be kinda a dick as far as I can tell. Between the three of them he is the least attached to Sasuke. He's more trying to fuck around and find out.

Karin: Ughhhhhh Karin...I actually liked her more before this blog and by that I mean I found some stuff she did funny. Reading through this for a blog with a focus on Sasuke made me more uncomfortable with how forward she is towards Sasuke despite him not being into it. Yeah, Sakura is forward too but at least she wasn't physically like Karin. Also in my eternal pettiness it bothered me that through this blog I found a lot of people thought she and Sasuke were a good idea and/or they felt sorry for her. Not that it's wrong to feel that way just that I don't think that should effect anyone's opinion on Sasuke since Karin is SO disrespected by Kishimoto and the narrative. Honestly, the best thing I think to do with her is not have her being concerned that Sasuke is "evil" during the Kage Summit arc and if/when Sasuke stabs her she actually is over him instead of acting like she is when she isn't.

Juugo: Contrasting Karin, Juugo was never a character I cared about until doing this blog. He really has nothing going on and him reverting into a child for a bit was fucking stupid. But having thought about him for a bit he actually had a lot of potential. If you're going to say Juugo's...thing is actually sage jutsu related then I think that's good reason to say Juugo did not need to be locked up. He had to find peace within himself and within nature and Orochimaru was just screwing him over like he did everyone else. Then Juugo could start his own life somewhere instead of hanging out with Orochimaru forever which is apparently what everyone does after the epilogue. This would also get rid of Juugo's necessity for Kimimaro/Sasuke so at least from the Juugo > Sasuke end of the relationship that would make it easier to develop a friendship between them if you wanted any friendships between Team Hebi/Taka at all.

Well, the fact of the matter is Sasuke's story has nothing to do with them once Itachi and defeated so they just have to kind of wander aimlessly after that and they do. I'm not entirely sure what they would do after that whether I have any good ideas for them individually or not.

[hirazuki]

Okay this might be weird ass timing, but I saw the asl someone sent you about Naruto, and your brief mention of the Villain type characters at least EMBRACING their flaws rather than glossing over like Konoha does, and while first I wanted to chime in with like, YES SAME, my favorite characters are Hidan and Kakuzu, ESPECIALLY Kakuzu, and that's part of why - and boy do I have beef with Kishimoto about how SHIT their arc ended because he wanted to show off how Cool and Smart Shika was and Naruto's new move (Kakuzu should NOT have been killed by that he's too smart his death was insulting I'll die on that hill, and I'm not even gonna start on Hidan) but like—

One thing that's always pissed me off is that when I read Kakuzu's backstory from the data book, I was STUNNED Kishimoto never once addressed it as a flashback like the other villains got - FILLER villains got more than he did and his story is SO GOOD - except I think one brief acknowledgement by Fu in some anime filler? Whatever, the point is, it occurs to me that his backstory makes both Takigakure AND Konoha look less than perfect, given the jist is that Taki yeeted him in prison for failing to kill Hashirama. I wonder if that's why Kishimoto never wanted to address it?

Okay, so first -- never feel weird for sending me Naruto asks!! Or Bleach asks! Or anything about any series/media/whatever I enjoy or I have even mildly dabbled in! Even if we have different opinions on things, I am always happy to geek out about shared interests ^^

YES EXACTLY, Kakuzu especially falls into this category (I love Hidan too, but he's a bit of a loose canon and as far as I can remember, doesn't have nearly as strong ties to his hometown as Kakuzu once had to Taki; I don't think he was ever enmeshed in upper level village politics like that). But yes, Kakuzu! I have no problem with how that fight played out or its conclusion, but I suspect that's only because while I enjoy these two, I'm not particularly attached to them, and the resolution of that conflict ticked off my own personal boxes for being "satisfactory," which is a very individual thing obviously. I absolutely get where you're coming from, and if something similar had happened to Orochimaru, for instance, I would be Very Upset.

Kakuzu's backstory is fascinating and honestly very demonstrative of the early days of the establishment of the village system and the various political considerations and machinations going on, ties in closely with our protag group since it directly involves one of the founders of Konoha, and is a compelling backstory to a member of one of the main antagonist groups of the series, so SAME???????? I was very surprised when I found out that Kishimoto had a super detailed, super relevant on multiple levels backstory for him that never got properly incorporated, and the only reason I can think of for leaving it out of the manga is it was cut due to editors. Idk why though, it's very well-developed as a plot point and backstory. I especially don't get why it wasn't included in the anime, given all the filler we get (< and I say this as someone who unironically loves fillers!!), because yes, you're right -- it's briefly alluded to by Fuu in the second chunin exams held in Suna, which is a filler arc towards the end of Shippuden. We've had filler mini-arcs within filler arcs themselves (for instance, Jiraiya's novel within Tsunade's tsukuyomi dream), so it wouldn't have been a stretch at all to do a brief glimpse into Kakuzu's past within the chunin exam filler arc... idk, dude, I've got nothing. I can't imagine it would be because it'd make Taki and Konoha look bad, because there's stuff like Zabuza and Kiri, Gaara and Sasori and Suna, and like... the entirety of Itachi and Konoha; all the villages including Konoha have looked less than perfect from the get-go. All I can think of is someone or multiple someones on the production team at SP didn't really care for Kakuzu so they never considered it, and it just came down to the team's personal preferences as to what they’d include as filler or not?

It's utterly baffling.

[yumi-hakoi]

Admin Info & Rules-

||ADMIN INFO|| Admin Name:- Mia? ♪(´▽｀) Birthday:- August 8. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ Gender/ Pronouns:- Female, She/Her. (✿◡‿◡) Sexuality:- Pansexual. (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) Height:- 5.5ft/5.6ft?（￣︶￣）↗ Hobbies:- Reading and Writing romantic shit, Editing stuff, Studying about Psychology, & Procrastinating~ ✪ ω ✪ Wattpad:- YumiHakoi Quotev:- YumiHakoi Pinterest:- YumiHakoi DeviantArt:- YumiHakoi Quora:- YumiHakoi Amino:- YumiHakoi Insta:- Yumi.Hakoi FaceBook:- YumiHakoi Twitter:- YumiHakoi Favorite Naruto Characters:- Madara Uchiha, Hashirama Senju, Tobirama Senju, Obito Uchiha, Itachi, Uchiha, Izuna Uchiha, Kakashi Hatake, Mei Terumi, Konan, Temari, TenTen. Favorite Jujutsu Characters:- Sukuna, Geto, Toji, Gojo, Nobara Kugisaki, Mei Mei, Maki Zenin, Mai Zenin. Favorite Diabolik Lovers Characters:- Kino (Sakamaki), Carla Tsukinami, Shin Tsukinami, Shu Sakamaki, Ruki Mukami, Azusa Mukami, Karl Heinz, Beatrix Sakamaki. ||RULES|| -> Please be patient and respectful to the Admin & people here, Hate will not be tolerated in this fandom or community. -> This Blog contains 18+ Content, So please read at your risk- I do understand that some people mature before age, That's why I'm not going to stop or criticize them. So please do not judge me for it. But I will surely keep a limit to it as well, 14-15 minimum. I don't wanna catch a case because of ya'll. ;-; -> You are allowed to slide into my DMs anytime, I wouldn't mind honestly. I would be more than glad to be have some Friends, But my DMs are not open for Hate and Criticism. I hope you get what I mean. -> Please use TW tag for:- NSFW, SFW, DDLG, Pregnancy, incest, abort, abuse, blood, gore, self-harm, suicide, non-consent & etc. -> Please contain yourselves from being a homophobic, transphobic, racist or etc. -> This blog is LGBTQ+ friendly! Any and all requests, asks, etc. Regarding the fandom or community are more than welcomed (as long as the requests, asks, etc. Do not violate the other rules mentioned within this post) -> Headcanons are to include a maximum of one (1) per request. Any head cannon requests that includes more than one character at once will be shortened. -> I'm a very busy person and can't post it as soon as it's requested, It might take 4-5 days maximum or 1-2 days minimum. So please be patient. -> I only write on Naruto Fandom, I don't know much other as I'm so not into it. As it doesn't jog much of my interest, But I'm indulged in following other fandoms as well. -> I truly understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinions on characters. However, there are some stuff people ask or put it in my ask box that I will not post if it's too hateful, confronting or discriminatory, among other things. -> Last but not the least, Please do not steal my work and post it somewhere else. I hope you understand that, Stealing someone's work without permission is truly disgraceful.

[steeltoss]

Pre Shippuden — Shippuden Era

Ages 16 - 22. This is a continuation of the events in Hokkaido's life.

Age 16

I left off on her six month mission in Konohagakure. Backtracking a few months before she turned sixteen, she worked directly under Tsunade Senju amd had slowly reconnected with her old friends, including Neji Hyūga, Kiba Inuzuka, Ino Yamanaka, Sakura Haruno, Shikamaru Nara, and Choji Akamichi.

That being said, her sixteenth birthday was spent in the Hidden Leaf. The party was small and planned by Ino, complete with a few cupcakes and dango. This was the first birthday she enjoyed after Emi passed away.

Speaking of Emi, Hokkaido constantly worried over Ichika and often wrote letters to the younger one. After all, next year Ichika would start the Amegakure Academy.

Aside from her mission, nothing too big happened this year. Though she found out Sasuke was missing. He had become a Rogue Ninja. Okay that's pretty big but still.

Age 17

Upon her journey towards Amegakure after the six months had passed, the Kunoichi had taken it into her own hands to search for Sasuke. She strayed off the path she should have been taking to go to the Hidden Rain Village.

From here, she runs into some nasty company.

This was the first time she met Pein and Konan. And they looked like they were ready to end her.

Upon activating her sharingan, interest was sparked in her by Pein. She was spared on one condition. Well a few, but one big one.

She was to join the Akatsuki, accept the Rogue life and abandon her old life. This would mean abandoning the Hidden Rain and Ichika.

But on the other hand, maybe she could find Sasuke. She had no clue just how wrong she was. But she agreed nonetheless.

So she was taken back to the base, fron there, she met the other members.

Okay don't kill me but here's what happens when she first meets the Akatsuki: [her opinion and relationships will change over time]

Pein: Of course when they first met, she was intimidated and activated her sharingan, but being spared and hopefully brought closer to her brother, she would do anything he asked, for now at least.

Konan: Seeing her special skills, Hokkaido was intimidated but wouldn't admit so. She seems to be the only female here.

Deidara: I'm sorry Dei, but my little angel thought you were a very beautiful lady until you spoke the first time. Needless to say, she was rather shocked but admired his hair and explosives anyway.

Kakuzu: one word. Fear. This man is huge and crazy tall, also his personality reminds her of what its like to bite into a crabapple.

Hidan: she admired his dedication, but didn't like how he greeted her with “Fuck, there's another one? At least this one has a decent rack”. She punched him. And threatened his life only to find out he's immortal.

Tobi: well, he's very hyper and welcoming at least, but she wondered why he wore that mask.

Kisame: is he a man? Shark? Man-Shark? Either way, she kept a distance and admired his strength from afar.

Sasori: puppets are completely and utterly horrifying and she wanted nothing to do with this weird puppet man. Until she saw how red his hair was and her cheeks dusted a pale pink. It reminded her of someone she met a few years ago.

Itachi: . . . Her brother. Her brother, who had killed the clan was in the Akatsuki. Upon seeing him, she wondered if it was too late to leave the Akatsuki. She rurned her nose away and sighed.

Zetsu: “are you a. . . Big, adorable plant man?” i think it's safe to say Zetsu stared at her and quite possibly closed his trap around himself to save himself the embarrassment or black Zetsu threatening to eat her.

Back to Age 17

Sasuke wasn't with them, and she felt like shutting down completely. She was now at square one again. She had hoped this was her ticket to helping her brother, but ahe didnt know he didn't want help.

And honestly, you can't help someone who doesn't want any help.

Aside from her mind overworking, she now had to face Itachi as he was staring her down.

“hey, Itachi... ”

From there, the two walked around as he explained what really happened that day. She was torn. The Leaf had ordered this massacre?

Maybe she wasn't ready to go home after all.

Age 18

On her eighteenth birthday, she had spent her very first one with Itachi in nine years, and she oncr again, was crying those sappy happy little tears.

She never really expected a group of terrorists to the villages to get her gifts, yet they had.

Konan had gotten her a pair of fingerless gloves; Hokkaido appreciated the gesture because her hands were usually cold and Konan usually got things she needed or wanted anyway as the two had become closer.

Kisame had given her her very first katana, which, she undeniably adored the gesture; and she was extremely pink cheeked, she wasn't in love with him but she really liked his caring and understanding attitude.

Tobi had gotten her a mask to match his, which she never would wear; instead, she retaliated with offering to share dango with him instead. Which results in him squealing.

Sasori had claimed he didn't give a damn about things she wanted but still placed a small wooden figure of well, GAARA, in front of her; which led to the idea he had read her diary and had fully embarrassed her. But this little figure was different. Gaara was dressed as the Kazekage.

Deidara had picked her up some paint; remembering she hsd spent endless nights she couldn't sleep to paint her ceilinv and walls, and was out of it.

Zetsu uh, well, gave her a few seeds for flowers. It was for a joke since he figured she would never use them, but she held o to them. Just wait. These gifts will be brought up later.

Kakuzu, and i can't stress this enough, didn't do shit.

Hidan, on the other hand, tried offering immortality if she converted to jashinism.

Itachi had saved his for last. He had gotten her a journal and pens, as well as her stuffed panda from Amegakure.

A part of being an official member of the Akatsuki meant missions. And she had completed several, but what made her panic would be the one where the hunt for Jinchuuriki began.

It was a silent battle with herself. She had already dedicated herself to the Akatsuki but she knew two Jinchuuriki. Gaara and Naruto.

The day Gaara's One Tail was extracted, she covered her mouth upon hearing those certain words.

“He's dead”.

As if she had been hoping her life wouldn't get worse, she had already made up her mind. She really, really despised Deidara now. And she knew she would be killed if she straight up abandoned post.

However, on her next solo mission, she managed to leave a scroll for the Hokage and wanted word passed silently between the Five Kage's. She was playing both sides as of now, but desperately wanted out.

Would they believe her?

No. Not yet at least.

Age 19

Silence. She had succumbed herself with silence, almost like a vow she had taken. Deidara, Sasori, they were dead and war was coming.

She promised herself she would hate Deidara for what he did to Gaara, but she couldn't help but feel pity. Deidara was only a teenager when he died. [I think he was nineteen?]

With the Fourth Shinobi War coming, she was scared. Having no idea what to even do, Hokkaido assumed she would die.

Because I'm a lil bitch, I'm making you wait until she turns 20 for more details.

Age 20

The Akatsuki was no more. Almost all had died, and Hokkaido felt a slight empty feeling in her heart as she sat in front of the Five Kage's.

This was judgement. Would she be allowed to repent and become a better person or be banished forever, or die? Her mind was going wild.

Though, she couldn't help the feeling of ease as she saw Gaara, the Kazekage and boy she used to know, standing and perfectly fine.

“During the time of my extraction, I could see she wanted nothing to do with the Akatsuki organization. She looked almost forced to be there”.

The words Gaara spoke made her face turn pink and look away. Why was he trying to help her when she had fallen into the wrong group of people?

As if she hadn't already felt like she had succumbed herself in a repetitive cycle of falling for Gaara each day she thought about it, him helping her only dragged her deeper into the pit.

And Kami, he was so beautiful.

“and I'd like to offer that if you don't trust her, that's fine. She can return to Suna with me and Kankurō. She can build herself from there”.

So she moves to Suna and begins working on herself as a person, much of the things she had thought about was the very questions Gaara had asked along the way.

“why help me?” she had asked, the gaze he gave her was hard but he responded with: “you aren't the only one who was in the wrong. It would be wrong of anyone to not let you change yourself. I was given a chance and was once feared and hated, so can you answer this for me, do you wamt to live? Do you want to start a new beginning? If so, keep walking with us”.

And so she walked.

Age 21

Life in Suna was much different than the Hidden Rain or Leaf. Not many people would contact her or look her way for the first few days. After all she was an outsider and reformed terrorist.

Hokkaido had grown close to Temari once more, as well as Kankurō. These two, when free, helped her with the adjustment.

Hokkaido had left Amegakure behind, the ache in her heart subsiding as she realized Ichika had grown into a decent young child and chose to not become a shinobi, considering shinobi had too many hardships and heartaches to deal with.

As for Gaara, the two often spent time gardening and cultivating cacti.

Something from the past had finally been planted. The flower seeds Zetsu had given her way back on her birthday spent with the Akatsuki.

The katana that Kisame had given her was placed on a display.

Her Traditional Japanese Sword Display

The katana which is the most recognized full sized samurai sword and is often the first piece in any collection. It sits at the bottom and has a beautiful violet ito handle wrap.

The second would be the wakizashi which is a mid-sized sword that resembles the katana and the ito handle wrap was midnight blue.

Then the third which is a tanto. The tanto is the shortest of the swords or in many examples can be as short as today's standard survival styled knife. The ito wrap is black.

This is an example of how the stand is:

Age 21

The mask Tobi had given her had brought up bitter memories and had long sense been tossed into a storage box.

Her fingerless gloves had been destroyed during the war, but since she used them for swordplay, Temari had gotten her a new pair as a gift.

The wooden figure Sasori had given her of Gaara was more or less embarassing since she lived with the sand siblings and had hidden it away in the storage box.

Her panda sat on her bed, displayed and untouched except for during the night.

Age 22

Upon the next year, Hokkaido watched as relationships blossomed between many people, marriages and children coming into the world, she began wondering if she would ever have something like this in her own life. She highly doubted it.

Having been back and forth from Konohagakure, she grew closer to Shikamaru once more from childhood as she often joined the male and Temari on days they'd spend time together.

Other times, Hokkaido would stick to Kankurō and help with making puppets, she rather enjoyed painting them.

And occasionally, when Gaara was free, the two would still garden together and had began talking more, sometimes the two would even go out to the village and walk around together.

Her feelings for Gaara seemed to only hrow stronger as she had grown older, and she imagined herself having a future with him. It always made her heart hammer and her face turn blood red.

This year, she had cut most of her hair off to her shoulders as it had grown too long. She soon admits her feelings to Gaara, unsurprisingly, he was silent.

She most definitely assumed she blew it, but nearly a week later, Gaara had shyly asked if she would allow him to court her.

This was most definitely the beginning of a new and beautiful relationship.

I'll pick up with pre boruto - boruto era soon. Though im not sure if these are even good. @temarihime @thefifthkazekage @how-troublesome @houndninja

[rayshippouuchiha]

Oh man.... Toni/Bucky, Carol/Rhodey or Kakashi/Naruto? Ino/Sakura too if you want to explore that idea. I'm not picky, you do The Good Writing™ for everything

Oh man this got away with me and we didn’t get any Kakashi/Naruto actual content but I did set up an entirely new AU that’s similar to some of my others but with a few twists.

For this scenario I think maybe it should all be Shisui and Itachi’s fault.  Although Itachi maintains he only had a ... very small hand in the entire debacle.

See since the coup never happens the village is way more stable. And, thanks to that, Shisui and Itachi both eventually end up transferring out of ANBU.

Itachi becomes an elite Jounin and takes up his training as future Clan Head.  There’s also rumors, much to Itachi’s despair, that he’s being considered for Hokage since the Sandaime is getting seriously old and Kakashi is notoriously uninterested.

Shisui, cause he’s a solid 6 on the Uchiha How Much Of A Dick Are You? Scale eventually decides that he needs a protege, someone to pass on his Will of First Of All Fuck You to, so he goes “huh let’s get some kids” and turns up all “yo, i want babies” at the prospective Jounin-sensei meeting.

Sarutobi, much to most people’s horror, agrees.

So Shisui ends up getting the most annoying, adorable, impossibly perfect team ever.

There’s his adorable gremlin of a cousin Sasuke.  Kid’s got an unhealthy obsession with swords and fire and is basically a walking, talking brother complex.  Just like a proper Uchiha.  It’s adorable.

There’s Sakura Haruno who is .... Shisui’s not really sure what she is but she switches between sweet and proper and cackling like Anko at the drop of a hat and it’s delightfully terrifying.  He starts calling her sweet side Pink Sakura and her other side Red Sakura, because yeah he’s pretty sure she’s got a split personality and not naming them both would just be rude.  Either way both Sakuras have a punch like a horse’s kick and that’s when they’re not even trying.

And then, last but totally not least, there’s his final student.

Shisui’s Holy Grail if you will.

Naruto Uzumaki, the Kyubi container, and worst kept secret in the entire village.

The kid is loud, somehow viciously cheerful, deviously sweet, has ungodly amounts of chakra even without the Biju factoring in, has an obsession with making things go boom, shows up in a kimono or as a girl roughly 50% of the time, and has a deeply embedded sense of Gotta Go Real Fast.

All things that Shisui both respects and appreciates.

But the most important thing is, in Shisui’s opinion, the fact that Naruto is the possessor of the biggest Fuck You Very Much I Do What I Want attitude Shisui has seen since Minato-sama and Kushina-hime were alive.

So, overall, Shisui and his team are a match made in the deepest, darkest, most glorious pits of hell.

The training Shisui puts them through, with Itachi being their honorary 2nd sensei, is whispered about for years to come.

They make Chunin in 6 months and Shisui, backed by his gremlins, just straight up tells the Hokage thatif he tries to break Team Shisui up they’ll stage a revolt and flee Konoha together for a life on the run where they’ll devote all of their time to making the lives of Konoha shinobi, and the Sandaime in particular, horrible for decades to come until they inevitably conquer and/or destroy the world in a blaze of glory.

Considering that Team Shisui consists of not 1 but basically 3 Uchiha (because Itachi would totally follow his best friend and little brother), whatever the hell Haruno turned out to be, and NARUTO Sarutobi takes them seriously.

They become a permanent squad.

By the time Shinsui’s gremlins are 16 they’re Jounin and have entries in every Bingo book to be found.

Naruto is well on the way to earning a Flee On Sight rank just like Minato-sama.

Shinsui couldn’t be prouder.  Despite the fact that there’s only a handful of years between them he’s pretty sure he feels almost father levels of pride for his gremlins.

That is until the romance bug goes around hard.

Sakura, to Shisui’s ever lasting awe and horror ends up focused on both Ino and possibly Rock Lee.  Shisui’s not really sure.  He just knows there’s a lot of flowers changing hands, a lot of punching being done, both Sakuras keep cackling, and Lee won’t stop screaming.

Shisui’s about 60% sure that Sasuke is gonna end up with Naruto because there’s some kind of obsession there between those two.  But that ends pretty quickly when Shisui realizes that Sasuke’s brother complex kind of pales in comparison of his new found “Keep Naruto Pure” complex.

Kiba makes one off color joke about Naruto’s new kimono looking better on Kiba’s floor and well .... let’s just say Shisui didn’t know Sasuke was a biter but Kiba does end up spending a good week in the hospital.

Honestly Shisui can’t really find fault in that either though, especially since he and the Sakuras take such delight in winding Sasuke up and urging him on.  Although they are both protective of Naruto too.

Naruto, despite a shitty childhood or maybe because of it, is precious.

Which is, of course, when Itachi slides up with a truly awful idea sometime post Kiba’s mauling.

“You know,” Itachi says softly, “Naruto has such a .... magnetic effect on others.  Look at how protective my sweet little brother is.”

Shisui does in fact know this.  He also knows Sasuke, who he has now seen actively chew on a fellow Konoha nin, is absolutely the sweetest.

“I think he’d be just the thing to brighten up and ground some of our more .... unstable comrades,” Itachi says casually.  “Naruto might even find his match there since we all know his peers aren’t ... equipped to handle him.”

Shisui agrees but he’s also not fooled.

Everyone might think otherwise but Shisui knows the truth.

Unlike Shisui’s solid and respectable 6, Itachi, despite being a pacifist, was born a firm 7 on the Uchiha How Much Of A Dick Are You? Scale.

“Who did you have in mind?”  Shisui asks but he’s pretty sure he already knows.

Itachi smiles.

Somewhere in the village Kakashi gets a chill up his spine.

Naruto, of course, takes Itachi and Shisui’s attempts to put him in Kakashi’s path with grace and good humor.

Sasuke takes one look at Kakashi’s orange book and looses his entire mind.

Kakashi isn’t sure what he did to deserve Minato-sensei’s entirely too attractive and entirely too strong kid stalking him, or his rabid Uchiha trying to kill him, but it doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon.

Plus, about six months in, Kakashi thinks he might be having Emotions(TM) of the decidedly romantic nature and he does not care for that shit at all.  This is why he avoided doing more than watching over Naruto here and there when Naruto was a kid.  He can’t afford these kinds of attachments, especially not of the romantic nature, and Naruto is entirely too easy to get attached to.

In turn Naruto doesn’t care about him not caring.  Once Naruto latches on he latches on hard.  And Kakashi has his complete and total attention.

Shisui thinks it’s all adorable.

Sarutobi is kind of delighted honestly.  Kakashi is a bit older yes but it’s not so unusual in their lifestyle.  Naruto would be good for him and vice versa.  Plus Kushina had always wanted Kakashi to be family, Minato too.  Marriage would make that happen.

Meanwhile Itachi’s in the background silently gleeful because if Kakashi would have just accepted the hat none of this would have happened.  Itachi’s revenge is both sweet and Naruto shaped.

Now Kakashi will inevitably end up in the Hokage’s office anyways.  Either wearing the hat himself or as Naruto’s trophy husband.

If Sasuke doesn’t kill him first.

Either way it serves him right.

[kegareki]

tbh i'm always curious about the kaguya causes the apocalypse au, but rarely have concrete questions to ask. so um, what are sakura and obito's abilites like? how powerful are they, both as a team and individually? sakura canonically had healing and super strength, which are great, but I'm also a fan of aus where she branches out and learns other things, so i gotta ask. does she learn genjutsu from obito? also they survived a WHILE in the apocalypse, right, presumably they got even better (1/3)

and learned new stuff from each other? and/or from other survivors in their group? what are their go-to weapons? how does their power level now compare to people in the past? (2/3)

(3/3) ALSO! they travel to other dimensions using kamui, right. where does the kamui spit them out when they go a new dimension? somewhere randomly? (if so, how many times have they ended up dumped in a swamp, or in the middle of nowhere?) some fixed place every time? wherever obito wants? where? and can they choose when they arrive in a new dimension, or are they also just randomly spit out whenever and good luck figuring out in what time and place they are?

these are really good questions!!! i apparently wrote 1100 words in response, so: under the cut!

sakura and obito did survive a while in the apocalypse, yeah. people survived in groups–konoha especially espouses teamwork–and people took positions well-suited for them, at first, like they have been trained to do. hyuuga, inuzuka, aburame, yamanaka, and sensors were good at keeping track of people and directing the groups to safe spaces and such, for example. but people die, and at some point you stop being able to replace them

so people learn to cover those positions in any way they can. enhancing their senses with chakra; trying to recreate barrier seals that you’ve only seen and never studied; etc. people share information about what they remember. people go off and come back with clan scrolls, because there’s no point in hoarding clan information if that information will help keep them alive.

obito and sakura learn together, and what they teach other is–incidental, at first? sakura is healing someone, and she nabs a passing obito into helping her. obito can heal himself just fine, thanks to hashirama’s DNA, but–well. he has deep chakra reserves, as well as the ability to absorb and transfer chakra, so he might as well learn how to heal other people, because at some point they’re going to run short of medics, and it’s better for everyone if most people have even rudimentary medical skills

obito… okay i’m going to be entirely honest here: obito is fucking HORRIFIED at how sakura was treated as a genin. obito’s already complicated relationship with kakashi is complicated even further because he cannot BELIEVE that kakashi didn’t teach her SHIT, didn’t CULTIVATE her OBVIOUS TALENTS, didn’t direct her to anyone who WOULD. kakashi failed sakura, and obito is pissed off on her behalf, because that shouldn’t have happened!!!! obito offers sakura his knowledge Readily and Gladly because she should never, ever feel useless again. she should never, ever be given less than what he or anyone else can offer.

it had been noted in canon that sakura would have been adept at genjutsu, and he gives her techniques. they have to be adapted some, because genjutsu with a sharingan is formed differently than genjutsu without a sharingan, but sakura figures it out. she’s quick and eager to learn! and she’s GOOD at genjutsu! she learns how to conceal people and things; she learns how to subtly redirect a person’s attention so that their eyes skip over something without truly seeing it; she learns how to muddle a person’s sense of balance, of temperature, of pain.

and obito teaches her some ninjutsu, because that’s ANOTHER area where she was failed! why the FUCK did kakashi skimp out on even THIS?!!

sakura has water and earth release, so obito basically goes: okay, cool, here’s some mist techniques. here’s a few iwa techniques that i saw when i was 12 and that i picked up from deidara. you’re going to be so badass, i’m so proud of you.

sakura especially becomes more well-rounded than she was previously, and honestly kind of terrifying because she’s ENJOYING being versatile which means making use of her new techniques, but obito’s pretty happy with his end of the deal, too. his self-healing is passive rather than active, so learning how to use medical techniques and gaining medical knowledge is Actually Helpful because, hey, now he knows what the fuck is going on and now he can actually heal other people. AND now he knows how to do stuff like making blood clots! while that may not help much against kaguya, he’s not going to NOT appreciate new and interesting ways of killing people!

in terms of power, it’s hard to tell when your opponent is a Literal God, but by the time everyone else is dead and they abandon this world, they’re kind of stupidly powerful. like 12-year-old sasuke would eye them warily and challenge them to a fight in a hotel hallway because he can Tell they’re powerful, maybe more powerful than even Bane Of His Life Itachi, and he needs to see how he matches up against them. like–they don’t really escape because they’re dying; they escape because there’s nothing left for them, and staying would just mean dying meaninglessly.

weapons like shuriken, kunai, and senbon had become, increasingly, a scarcity, because making more becomes difficult and then impossible. they picked over past battlefields for weapons that they’ve thrown. not a lot of people had Many Throwing Weapons after a point

but when obito and sakura hang out in kamui, it’s not like THEY’RE going to lose weapons now, so obito pulls out some from his Long-Discarded Weapons Stash and they sort of idly brush up on their bukijutsu. is sakura likely to ever have need of a gunbei? no, but obito’s going to show her how to use it, anyway.

the mechanics of kamui in this ‘verse are like–

the sort of “neutral ground” is the space that obito is used to, the grey landscape of blocks where everything he puts inside of kamui shows up. in order to access anywhere else, kamui needs a set of parameters, conscious or subconscious.

in the beginning, the only parameters are the conscious “not our world” and the subconscious “please be empty,” so the destinations were random and without people. an empty forest; an abandoned cabin; a peopleless island.

obito isn’t USED to making use of this aspect of kamui, so at first, aiming for particular places and times would be difficult. he’d overshoot or undershoot, or get there at the right time but not the right place. but he’d get more precise about it and learn what sorts of parameters work best with what he has in mind (ex. events can come quicker or be delayed or happen somewhere else, depending on the circumstances! some events are sort of fixed in time and place–october 10 in konoha for the kyuubi attack, for example–whereas others shift–like who kumo takes to make a jinchuuriki). if he isn’t clear on a specific variable, what comes out will be random–like if sakura was like “i miss hashirama trees. can we go check that out” and obito’s parameters were just 'hashirama trees around konoha’, they could drop ANYWHERE in that particular forest and at any time where those trees exist

obito and sakura kind of–tend toward peaceful times and places, at first. they gather themselves up and put themselves back together as much as they can. they’re tired.

but then one day sakura makes a comment, like i wish i’d known you sooner, and obito thinks: but you could.

not this sakura, of course, but another one. a different one.

they find an obito crushed under rock, still alive, and obito can use his mangekyo to take him into kamui, and sakura can heal him from there–at least enough to keep him from dying, at least enough to take him to konoha.

being able to help–that goes a long way, after such a long period of helplessness and hopelessness, and when they think about it, there are so many things that they could help prevent, so many lives they can save with the information that they have now.

so they basically become S-class dimension-hopping superheroes just because