#well as in im drowning in schoolworks & research

[kyoghurts]

KENJIIII HOW YA BEEN MY HEART

SOLARRRR i’ve been uh…been well…lol

[samwrights]

helooo mom, so far okay, but im drowning in my schoolwork and im pretty stressed out abt a big exam coming up soon,, it's the kind where it kinda determines your path after high school and i wanna do well but been procrastinating a lot during lockdown sooo,, im that straight A kid and I don't wanna disappoint anyone yk😔but other than that im good.how about you, are you doing okay and safe?💓

Do your absolute best on your exam, sweetie! Buuuuut, from one straight A student to another, don’t pressure yourself too much. I graduated high school eight years ago and I promise you, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be where I am. Do your best for your future, but don’t forget that the most important person to not disappoint is yourself 💗

At this exact moment, I’m hella tired. I didn’t get much sleep tonight and I’ve been uneasy all week with everything going on. I feel like I should be doing more out there, you know? Going to a protest twice a week, donating, researching, educating myself—it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. But I also have a feeling that change is coming to where I live and where I work. My best friend, whom we’ll call Aunt Nat, saw a bunch of military vehicles driving by on her way home from dropping off her son. They had military vehicles in a predominantly white neighborhood where I was born. It’s giving off bad vibes and I really don’t like it. I’m safe and I’m being absolutely 100% cautious while out protesting—both in terms of covid and knowing my rights if I get arrested.

Moms tired, but moms gonna keep doing everything she can right now. I suppose the uneasy feeling in me really just urged me to check in with you guys 💗💗

[mybetaworld]

“so what are you doing after college?”

i don’t fucking know.

i’m scared because my whole life thus far has amounted to “go to school. do homework. study. repeat.” and it’s dawning on me that the academic autopilot of the last 16 years is quickly coming to an end, and you’d think that i’d be drowning in relief but i’m really just drowning.

and i’m guilty of this, too, but my god, can small talk among peers amount to anything other than “so... what are you doing after college?”

i see people studying for graduate school or with jobs lined up or at the very least with a few interviews and callbacks under their belt and i ask myself, “why can’t that be me?”

why can’t i bring myself to click “upload” in the resume field, to churn out a 30 second biopic, to at least crack open cracking the coding interview?

and then the days and the weeks go by and i’m just dragging my feet and blaming schoolwork or work work as all the while the pressure builds to crescendo and threatens to break me.

and i just don’t fucking know.

so i’ve been telling people i’d like to continue working IT. but not because i’d actually like to (i relish the thought of never having to help another end user troubleshoot their printer issues) but because it’s safe and i have some rudimentary experience in information technology and safe is good and safe is paid.

but then i ask myself well what’s going to make me happy?

and i start thinking well i don’t know maybe being able to work in something related to artificial intelligence would be cool.

and then i remember taking the AI class last year and how it was the hardest class I have ever taken but also, also it was the only class I really truly enjoyed in computer science and i wonder if maybe there’s a place in the field for someone like me.

and that’s a dangerous thought because it’s a difficult, difficult field, and that leaves a lot, a lot of room for failure.

and then i tell myself that if i had succumbed to the fear of failure four years ago, i would never have started down this path and i would not be where i am now, about to graduate college in a few months. and i tell myself that i cannot settle for something mediocre just because it is safe because i know i won’t be happy.

and i tell myself im going to do whatever it takes to get into the field of artificial intelligence.

and the next day one of my professors emails me and mentions a potential research position in AI and asks whether i might be interested.

and i say yes.