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I hate the summer holidays, and I have for a long time. I think whilst I’ve been at uni I’ve forgotten that this used to be my home full time. That I was stuck here with limited food and money and freedom. For 6 weeks. I stayed here all through the lockdowns. I’ve spent so much time at home and honestly, I can’t stand to be here a moment longer.

But in a strange way I constantly yearn to be at home. These are the only 4 walls on earth where I show up as my authentic self. Granted, there’s parts of myself that I can’t share with the people I live here, but this is the only place on earth where my nervous system is at ease. Where I can regress into my immature self. Where I can express my anger and sadness. The only people that see the true, unfiltered me.

After second year, and my internship, and speaking to K*ne and L*ke, I wanted to come home and do some deep reflection. But this environment is just not conducive for me to do that. The best way to describe it is that my brain is filled with this static noise. Nothing comes out. I can’t decide what I want from life here. I’m no further in terms of whether I would want to sleep with L*ke. How I feel about where I am with my religion and God. I feel like I’m losing my faith so fast and there’s not really a way for me to get back there.

I feel like Gods forgotten about me.

I am so hurt by the K*ne situation because I’m genuinely, genuinely shocked by it. I’ve not written about it yet but even these few words so far are hurting me so intensely. I know he’s not the only boy in the world. I’m not necessarily scared of being alone and I’m certainly not looking for a replacement. I just hate that he had feelings for me and now he doesn’t. And I’ll never know why he lost them. And I’ll never get him back. And it doesn’t hurt him and much as it hurts me. This is heartbreak that I just didn’t anticipate. Im glad I’m mentally much stronger than I was with JP. But it still hurts a godawful lot. I don’t really know what else to say than it really hurts. I hope I didn’t ruin things with him. I hope it’s not my fault.

I’m so triggered.

I have absolutely no zeal for life. I don’t care. Not about my academics or fitness. I have no confidence. I hate myself so intensely. And the scariest part is that it feels so rational. I feel like I have so much empirical evidence for doing so. I fear I’m too far gone. I’m afraid that Gods forgotten about me. That everyone’s forgotten about me. I don’t care about my life anyone. I don’t even care enough to destroy it.

In an ideal world right now, I’d be solo travelling. Just seeing the sights and taking pictures. Eating good food. That’s all I really want from life right now.

I can’t kill myself. It’s not fair but it’s also not realistic. Before when I thought about death I really did want to live. I still do, but not as enthusiastically. Nothings substantially wrong or different from what it used to be. I’m just fed up and want more from life. I’m fed of convincing myself and gaslighting myself into thinking I enjoy my life the way it is. That my homes tolerable. That my lack of freedom is tolerable. I’m tired of being alone. I am so painfully lonely. And slowly one by one I lose the few people that I counted as friends.

I’m just tired of my life. And I’m tired of pretending I have the time or energy to change it. The most exhausting part is that I can’t give up. I’ve got to get a job and/or go to law school. I’ve got to finish this degree and get an outstanding grade. I’ve got to show up in public and at work like I’m not exhausted and miserable snd spiralling constantly. I don’t want to be pushed to the edge. Because at my end, I’d not death, but failure. And I’d hate for failure to follow me around all my miserable life.

I want to cry out to God but honestly, I don’t care. I don’t understand him. I don’t understand what I need to do to hear from him. His presence has slowly faded from my life but it feels unchanged. It feels equally boring and miserable and I feel equally helpless and sad.

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I bully myself so badly it’s honestly laughable it’s like my default response to any minor “failure” (eg saying something cringe or doing my eyebrows badly) is that I don’t deserve to live, I should never have been born and my existence means nothing. I literally said something cringey I thought would be funny and my mum reacted a bit funny and then next thing you know, I’m doing a rampage in my private diary app about how I should cut my veins so deep that I bleed out and die. What is actually up with me ? When did it get this bad ? When did I start hating myself so so badly ? I didn’t even realise it was this aesthetic. At this point, I’m more than capable of cutting because I do not just say it know, I physically want to do it. I really am the worst person to myself. Others might neglect me but they don’t harass me constantly and verbally assault me. That’s all me.

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relationships with ur parents are so weird, arent they? like... i hate you for what you did, i love you because you bring me soup when im sick. i want to get away from you. i feel safe with you. i want to run away from you. i want your hugs. i wish you understood me. i wish i understood you.

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I fucking hate being ugly man it’s so depressing. I look to pathetic compared to other girls my age and no matter what I do to try and look better of even feel prettier I still look like absolute shit. I hate my features I look so ugly and masculine and not like a girl at all. I was, and am, so uncomfortable with looking at my face for extended periods of time that I don’t really know what I look like. I don’t know what suits me at all and I hate hate hate how I still dress and look like a child. I feel so self conscious but in front of others I feel like he they’re looking at me and thinking how ugly and pathetic and masculine I look. It literally stops me looking people in the eye like I literally feel panicky and shaky because I’m terrified people are staring at my ugliness. I feel like girls don’t want to be friends with me because I’m ugly and that’s why no one wants to get to know my personality and that’s why I hate meeting new people. I feel like they’re looking down on me. I feel like I’ll ever like my appearance because there’s nothing that I could possibly like on my face. I can’t even fake confidence because people will see straight through it because it’d so obviously be an ugly girl cosplaying as pretty and failing. I just want to be pretty man. I know I can’t do anything to change my face but I wish I could at least forget I’m ugly and just genuinely feel pretty.

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i am an overly emotional unemotional clingy but distant private person who likes to overshare at any moment and i'm still trying to figure out how that works.

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no one cares about black women’s pain especially dark skin women we are afforded so much less sympathy literally due to our complexions and the behaviour norms we are expected to abide by because of it. People want me to be outgoing and bubbly and because of that I can’t be depressed and that’s literally never going to be me. It’s also like the thing of “pretty privilege.” Attractive people are afforded so much more sympathy from society, attractiveness gives people privilege beyond the realms of desirability politics. People don’t feel sorry for me because I am darkskin and deemed ugly by western beauty standards. I’m just expected to internalise both my physical and mental pain on the basis of my complexion until I implode. Even coming to this conclusion has been so mentally taxing and the fact that I have to keep navigating this cruel world with such toxic expectations because of my rave, gender and skin tone is exhausting. Fuck this world for being cruel to black women. Fuck the fact that black suffering maintains western imperialist empires. Fuck all the people that consume black trauma porn. Fuck the people that try to glamourise our struggle and suffering. This world is too cruel to us.

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I always hate when a certain someone checks up on me and I say I’m anxious or depressed and they always bring up fucking school ??? It’s not school I am literally mentally ill and I hate myself and my life and I don’t know how to cope in reality don’t fucking talk to me about school. Ik you don’t want to listen to my problems and that’s COMPLETELY fine but I literally feel like they are trying to talk over me and they’re not listening to the things that I am saying. I don’t want to be mad at them for trying to help out but man please stop :((((

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i deserve to be loved. not liked, not lusted after, not settled for, but loved.

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And I came to the realisation earlier this week that I am a terrible terrible friend. I haven’t spoken to some of my closest “friends” in over six months yet I resent the fact people don’t check up on me to the point it’s makes me angry and bitter and depressed. How terrible of me. I hope they don’t hate me and can find it in them to forgive me for basically ignoring them.

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I have been so busy this last month that’s it’s so so weird to have all this free time (4 days lol) to relax.

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social media makes me sick it is literally so pretentious and I see through it. It’s literally designed to make you engage with toxic positivity and become depressed I hate how addictive it is I hate the fact that I can just scroll through Twitter mindlessly for hours drowning in other people’s lives whilst wasting my own. Whilst wishing my own life away. Horrible

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"ur so quiet" thanks i am trying not to exist at aII

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I go on about how I don’t care about being in the in crowd at school or being popular but I lowkey think I do. I don’t really care for them but I hate the day that that they don’t even see my as COOL. As in they think I’m a loser by necessity and not by CHOICE. I loathe that fact that people think I’m weird or a loser when I’m not. I hate the fact that people can’t see pay my appearance and my mannerisms to see my personality. I love film and all genres of music. I’m such a cultured and eclectic person. But when people they see scary black woman. I’m transferring colleges and I hope the new one isn’t like this even though the majority of peole there are white middle class. I think it’d be easier if my anxiety didn’t get the better of me. It literally ruins my life. I can’t even pray in public or for the church because the words just stop. I act so so weird. There’s been times that I’ve been so anxious that I’ve gotten dizzy and hot and started shaking and on the verge of vomiting. I think im going to explore marijuana next because I don’t think medication goes far enough. I hate being trapped in my own mind. I hate how I feel imprisoned. My life is a prison. I’m greatful for the things God does for me, I can’t deny. But I’m so sad and burdened and weak. I feel so empty and dejected. I feel like I have no prospects. A lot of the time, I feel like shit just won’t get better.

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I hate how college and academics are constantly on my mind I feel so guilty every second that I am not studying.

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The last 48 hours I have such a strong ugly to literally just cut everywhere all over my body. It’s the first time in ages I’ve hand nothing to romanticise. Not even MADD is helping me cope. I literally just want to die. On the verge of tears in class today. It’s like luck was literally stacked against me today. I hate myself so much. I have so much shame and sadness and there is no one that can possible help me. I’m a lost cause. I don’t want to live I see no future I don’t see it getting better I want to check out of life. God where the fuck are you. Why do I feel so shit and low and alone. Why do I see no way out why do I have not even a shred of motivation to live. Only think I can think about is suicide. Burst into tears in bed yesterday thinking about how much pain I have to carry around silently. Everyone is watching me drown. I really really want to do it today I want to end my life I want revenge fuckceneyone that’s hurt me and ignored me and been mean to be fuck how alone I am fuck life I can’t do it God hates me everyone hates me I’m going to cut I’m going to take all 24 pills I’m gonna drink so much and I’m going to die today.

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“Life is allowed to be shitty today without me condeming my tommorow to the same fate.”