#weep with me. i can never get over how guilty vash must feel for this.

[orcelito]

thinking about.............. this. when vash calls wolfwood a coward vs his thoughts immediately post-legato.

trimax volume 2 chapter 4 VS volume 14 chapter 2 (pages from @trigun-manga-overhaul)

vash, caught up in his ideals, calls wolfwood a coward for resorting to killing for survival. these words are Cutting for wolfwood, & he spends the next several chapters thinking about them. he knows he can't live like vash does, not as a normal human, bc it would Kill Him. (and, of course, when he does try to follow vash's ideals, it Does end up killing him.)

fast forward to after wolfwood's death. vash is forced to kill legato, and... he has this thought. he thinks back to that time with the thought of, "Did it feel like this for you, too?" we see by his expressions throughout this scene that he feels Horrible for it, the very act of killing going against his staunch moral code...

but he couldn't bear to let wolfwood's sacrifice be in vain, so he killed someone.

and he now knows how wolfwood felt in that scene. he understands the fact that this has Never been easy for wolfwood. it's Never been a matter of cowardice. vash remembers the words he said to wolfwood, now with the knowledge of how much those words must have Hurt Him... and so vash cries.

the worst part is that he can never apologize for those words, because wolfwood is already dead.

[simping-i-guess]

Vash x Reader; Careless Choice

Do as little harm as possible, never take a life. A philosophy that you had always held close. Even when faced with horrid individuals- murderers, bandits, kidnappers, your will to bring everyone out of any situation alive and unharmed held true in your heart. Maybe it's why you and the Humanoid Typhoon got along so well. In this world, not many people held the same ideology as the two of you.

However, we all must crack sometime.

With broken skin, your knuckles weeped blood as you beat a particularly horrid foe to the ground. The unspeakable actions this person committed with no justification available- something about it broke you. You hated him. You wanted him gone. It didn't matter if he hadn't harmed you personally- you wanted him off of this planet. You wanted to save everyone from this vile individual's crimes.

Your fists wouldn't stop their torrent. Even as the man lost consciousness below you, your anger propelled you to continue. Again and again, your fists bruised the man's already scarred flesh, opening fresh wounds that mingled your blood with his. How long have I been at this? I should stop before... Your inner voice was drowned out by the distinct sound of blood pounding within your ears, and the crackled yells that tore from your tired throat with every last punch you inflicted.

But suddenly, you remembered Vash's smile. You remembered they joy he displayed when you told him that you shared his feelings on murder, on inflicting harm- on everything. You two were so alike, and that made you so very happy... except for in this moment, perhaps.

"I just think it's best if everyone stays alive. No one has the right to take another's life." Vash's words played through your head again and again, and your fists finally stopped their assault. Your eyes took in the sight of the man's face, wet with blood dripping from his nose and bubbling up through his mouth. You then looked to your own bloodied hands, turning them over slowly as they shook. You inhaled deeply, opening your hands and flexing your fingers, hoping to regain feeling in them.

What have I done to cause these bloodied hands? You wondered how it had gotten this far. How you could have possibly done this. So unlike me... so very unlike me... It was as if you'd been possessed with the blind rage of the angered victims of this individual. You didn't fully understand why this had happened, nor did you have time to dwell on it right now.

Despite the fact that your hands would not still, you were able to firmly press two fingers to the man's neck. After a single reposition of your fingers, you were able to find a slow pulse. Good, he was alive. Maybe you could fix this...

Swiftly you stood, though your legs wobbled and swayed in protest. Your adrenaline was fading, and the pain from all your sustained injuries and the exertion was becoming swiftly apparent. But it didn't matter, you had to get this person to a doctor.

Kneeling behind the man's head, you carefully lifted his upper body, slipping your hands under his arms to get leverage. You shut your eyes, trying to remember which way the town's medical center was. You were in the very outskirts of the small town, where the roads were loose and sand fluttered freely with every breeze that passed. Going out alone was a bad idea you thought to yourself. After a brief survey of your surroundings, you began the slow, painful trek back to the inhabited part of town, dragging the unconscious and bleeding man along with you. Let's hope I make it in time.

...

As the loose sand became more compact, you realized you were approaching one of the main roadways into the town's center. With a heavy sigh, you hurried your steps, hoping someone would notice you and offer help. This man wasn't light, and you had practically no feeling in your arms anymore, other than the dull throb of exertion. Unfortunately, the last person you wanted to see happened to stumble upon you.

"(Y/N)!!" Vash quickly approached you, his hands hovering uselessly as he took in the scene before him. "What happened?"

"Get a doctor for him." Your voice came out flat and detached, and you were sure your expression matched it well. "He's alive, but his pulse isn't very strong."

Vash was quick to take the burden from you, using his strength to easily lift the man out of your arms. "What about you? You should-"

"I'm fine, Vash." You responded shortly, refusing to look at his face. "I'm just going to wash up."

Despite the ache within your legs, they continued to carry you, and you mindlessly walked back to the small inn you and Vash were staying in together. You were thankful that the room you two were staying in had a bathtub, and the first thing you did was strip from your blood stained clothes and slowly submerge yourself into scorching hot water. You tried to clean yourself, using one of the offered cloth rags to wipe away some of the dried blood from your face, but you didn't get very far. Even in the warm, soothing water, your muscles ached so badly that lifting your arms was a chore.

So, you sat in solitude. You knew Vash would return, but you didn't know what you'd say. How could you explain that you almost killed a man when you had told him so many times you thought taking life was wrong? You didn't know. You were afraid of what he would think of you after this.

"(Y/N)?" Eventually, you heard Vash's voice calling for you. You didn't have it in you to respond. You instead waited in silence until Vash finally opened the door, peering into the small washroom. He put on a small smile for you as he entered the room. "I was looking for you-" Vash paused as he again assessed you, his eyes focusing on the cloth held in your limp hand. His face fell at the sight.

It's not as if the criminal hadn't fought back. Hell, he attacked you initially- the whole thing started as you defending yourself. You were sure your arms would be black and blue by the next morning, and your back would likely be similarly injured.

Crouching beside the tub, Vash took the cloth from your hand, beginning to wipe the blood from your face carefully. He started with the droplets of blood that had dried up on your cheeks, then moved to the blood that had come from your nostrils and dripped down onto your lips.

As he dabbed the blood away from the left corner of your lower lip, you cringed. Vash noticed, pulling the cloth away to look more closely. "Ooh, your lip is gonna be a bit swollen for a while." Vash commented, returning to cleaning it, albeit more gently this time. You huffed out through your nose.

"I'll probably have shiners coming in too, soon enough." You commented, your voice coming out weakly. Considering the strain shouting put on your poor throat, you'd likely have a very weak tone for the next few days.

"Yeah, it looks like it was a pretty bad scuffle." Vash said, no judgment present within his voice. You unconsciously held your breath, again feeling guilty about your contribution to the fight.

After Vash finished thoroughly cleaning off your face, he gave you a small smile. "Now," He began as he dipped the cloth back into the water, wringing it out to clean some of the blood out of it. "Do you wanna tell me what happened?"

You shrunk at Vash's question. He still didn't sound like he was judging you- but he must have seen the condition of the man he took to the medical center. Your eyes locked on your bloody and bruised knuckles as you steeled your resolve, only taking a moment to search for your words. After clearing your throat, you gave a simple, honest answer.

"I lost control. I almost killed him. I wanted to kill him."

Vash seemed momentarily surprised at your admission, but otherwise he carried on with his task. He took one of your hands, holding it gently as he dabbed the cloth against your knuckles. "But you didn't." Vash pointed out.

"That doesn't mean I didn't get close. He had relented long before I stopped myself." You sucked in a breath through your teeth, your knuckles beginning to sting as Vash revealed just how raw your knuckles were under all of the blood. "I shouldn't have allowed myself to lose control like that."

Again, Vash didn't seem to respond harshly. He just hummed in acknowledgment and continued cleaning off your knuckles, though he was clearly in thought. "Did you intend to kill him when the fight started?" Vash asked. You would have shook your head, but your muscles still ached.

"No... It was only in the heat of the moment that I considered it." Again you answered honestly, and still received no hostility from Vash. You watched his expression intently, trying to read something- anything from it. Was he angry with you? Was he hurt by your actions? You just wanted to know.

As he wiped the final bits of blood away from your hand, he finally focused his gaze on your face. He gave you a sympathetic smile, offering your hand a very soft squeeze, as to not hurt you any further. "We can all get lost in the heat of our anger. What's important is being able to pull yourself out of that anger so you can look at the bigger picture and make the best decisions possible."

"That doesn't make what I did any less... horrible." You retorted.

"No, but you didn't get to the point of no return. The man is alive, and according to the doctor, will be fine. He will however, spend the rest of his life confined for his crimes." Vash informed you, and moved to take your second hand to clean. "I understand your anger, even if I think you went a little far." At that, you let out a short, humorless laugh.

"A 'little' too far?" You asked rhetorically.

"Okay, maybe a lot too far." Vash again began the process of dabbing your wounds, wiping the blood away to reveal the cuts that lay beneath. "But... You didn't follow through. You had some self control. It's a learning experience."

You couldn't help it. You sniffled. Right there, as Vash cleaned your wounds, you were going to begin crying. Not from the physical pain- but the relief. Vash didn't look down on you for this. He didn't even really seem angry- just... understanding. You tried to blink away the sting in your eyes, but your attempt was fruitless. Tears still formed, and slid down your cheeks, dampening them further. At the second sniffle from you, Vash noticed.

"Hey- am I hurting you?" Vash asked, pulling the cloth away from you. "Why are you crying?"

You didn't verbally answer. You didn't have any words right now. With a slow, painful shift of your body, you extended your upper body over the side of the tub just enough to embrace Vash. It was a loose embrace, your muscles simply wouldn't allow for anything more. It didn't matter though. You wanted to be close to him.

Slowly, and ever so carefully, Vash returned your embrace. His hands came to rest against your back, smoothly stroking up and down your bruised skin. His touch was delicate, soothing the aches and pains just a bit. You let out a choked sob, pressing your face against Vash's neck.

"O-ow." You complained shortly, the sob making your sore muscles flex painfully. "C-Crying hurts..."

"Then let's try and save the tears for after you're a bit more healed." Vash spoke with a slight chuckle. You tried not to laugh, but you couldn't help it. A giggle turned into another groan of pain, and Vash would chastise you. "No laughing either, hold it in! No, don't laugh harder!!"

By the time Vash had finally got you cleaned up and tucked into your shared bed, you didn't feel quite as horrible. You still felt guilt over your actions, but your promised yourself something. You'd learn. You'd grow. You'd continue on. It would be okay.

Though, your body still felt as if it was about to fall apart. There was no way for you to be comfortable, you just ached so badly. Vash could tell, and was obviously sympathetic to your plight.

"Here- where does it hurt most?" Vash asked, having left momentarily to retrieve a washcloth from the bathroom, which was clearly damp and very hot.

"My back." You croaked out, having to clear your throat to continue speaking at all. "Should I turn over?"

"If you can manage that without hurting yourself.”

With a heave of effort, you were able to flip to lay on your stomach. You kept your arms down by your sides, knowing if you tried to rest your head against them it would ultimately just hurt.

You felt the mattress lower slightly to your left as Vash sat himself down beside you. He rolled the back of your shirt up, exposing your back. Vash audibly winced, and you felt his fingers softly stroke down your spine.

“The bruises are coming in.” Vash commented, his hand stopping at your tailbone. For a moment there was a loss of contact, but it soon returned as the hot washcloth was presses against your upper back, soothing the muscles considerably. You let out a long sigh, turning your head just enough to look up at Vash.

“Feels good... thank you.” You breathed out, talking just barley above a whisper. “You’re too good to me.”

“It’s not a big deal...” Vash downplayed, a blush tinting his cheeks.

“It is to me, Vash.” With a wince and a slight shift of your left arm, you placed a hand against Vash’s knee. “It is to me.”

“Well, uhm...” Vash cleared his throat, beginning to busy himself by massaging his fingers into your back. “...I’m glad to help.”

You hummed happily, allowing your eyes to fall closed. Sleep would soon overtake you, but not before you felt the distinct sensation of a few kisses on your cheek. You were glad you were just awake enough to feel that, at least.