#wearing surgical masks for covid. i also had this weird thing going on where i could see everyone irl

[fingertipsmp3]

Last night’s dream was the first one I’ve had in a long time where I wanted to fall back asleep and stay in it/experience it again

[youwontlikethisblog]

Hey! I just wanted to update y'all, I'm alive.

Thanks to God my family and I didn't get severely sick with covid. However my dad(got tested for covid came out negative), my mom, and younger brother now have a cold, yay!(not) It really boggles my mind how we used to go out without masks during cold and flu season. I used to quarantine myself back when I'd get the flu or a cold because I just hated the idea of getting a loved one sick, even though they weren't high risk for the flu.

I've got a lot of opinions on Covid but I think I can say for all of us that one of the reasons we get on social media is to just numb out from what's going on in the real world so for now I'll say: People, please wear your mask, be it surgical or respirators, please wear them, properly, and take care of them(even if mask mandates are being lifted, you could save someone's life).

I've been writing a lot more, which I had forgotten how much I loved. It's been helping me escape the funk I've been since getting sick.

I guess since I use this blog to also vent out my thoughts I should also mention that nearly every week I have had near attempts or attempted to exit my life movie. No one aside from my parents, and three friends know and it's kind of bizarre. Every other day I think to myself "Wow I shouldn't be watching this tiktok, I was almost gone. What would life be, had I?" and it's like living in this world of every day is a brand new day and I should celebrate it but I still feel empty inside and don't know what I should celebrate.

It's funny, or ironic, a few years ago, I might have actually done it but these past times every time I've been close to it something manages to pull me away from that ledge. I truly believe a strong relationship with God is what helps pulls us out of our darkest moments(I know, you may ask if that's true then why does God cause suffering? The short answer to that is that God doesn't cause suffering and if you want a long answer I'm more than happy to explain it(I've studied it)). I didn't hear a voice, no angle or light appeared before me or anything like so many people say. I've had near death experiences, I've attempted in the past and not one of those was "an angle of God or Gods voice spoke to me." it's hard to word and hard to explain but basically my faith, in a better future where I won't have to deal with what I do, and how God has helped me so much throughout my life, helped me be able to be rational. In a moment when I had no rational thought in me, his promises were my rational voice.

It's weird too because I thought about texting a really good friend of mine about it but I felt like it had been years since I had been in a crisis like that that I would be interrupting her life and worrying her. I thought about texting my ex-bst(We've sort of mended things and talk now) but I didn't want her to think I was doing it out of guilting her or looking for her pity so I didn't tell her and I didn't want to worry my parents at all. Isn't that funny? While I was drowning in this sea of sorrow, I was too worried about how everyone else would feel regarding what I felt. A part of me says "wow how selfless of me" and another "how self-absorbed are you?". Mental illness is engulfing and I don't think people understand how paralyzing it is.

When you're in a crisis and you've learned or trained yourself to think "I don't want attention for this because it's not that bad, I don't have it as bad." you don't reach out to your safety net and especially when three years prior to that you pushed everyone away. So yeah, I can say with true conviction that I didn't pull myself away from that ledge. It was God and every day since, he still continues to be the voice of reason in me.

I'm alive, trying, to live each day. If not, survive each hour.

Sorry that I haven't posted any YSBLF content. This isn't my typical depressive episode.

[dxmedstudent]

I'd really like to know a little about the logistics of hospitals adjusting to the current situation - would you be able to tell us a bit about that - how are wards being rearranged, staff being redeployed to different roles etc? It sounds like the hospitals look quite different to how they did several weeks ago if I've understood correctly. I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, hope you're well soon!

Sure, I can try. Changing how we work:We receive regular updates via internal email. First, teaching and group sessions were cancelled. We were warned that some of our shifts would be adjusted - clinic sessions became clerking suspected covid patients.  There are now no elective surgeries, no clinics (though some depts like mine can run phone clinics), and a lot of outpatient services are closed. We were soon told leave would probably be cancelled and we’d be likely to have our rotas changed or be redeployed. This was more than a month ago.

In my hospital (and I’m sure many others), they recently cancelled all leave for April, in case they need the staff. Bank holidays are now normal working days - presumably I won’t get time in lieu for the Bank Hols I’m working.  I felt that this is risky - you need the staff capacity, but also you don’t want people to fatigue too early, or to become too demoralised. We try to socially distance as much as possible at work - not always easy given most offices are tiny and cramped, and it’s hard to run a ward round miles away from each other. We’re at risk of catching it from each other as well as patients because we’re constantly touching computers and equipment and  having to get in close to talk to each other or help patients. We’ve moved where we hold handover, and we try to encourage people to leave if they don’t have to be here. Some ‘bright spark’ took out half the computers in the office to ensure people socially distance, though that just means more waiting for computers.

They’ve redeployed a lot of juniors, particularly from teams (like surgical teams, psych, GP, weird academic jobs where not much was going on) to clerking or the covid-19 wards. Between that and outpatient clinics being cancelled, there are more doctors of every grade of seniority that have been mobilised. It actually meant that when I was on take this week (seeing mostly suspected covid-19, not gonna lie), we were very well staffed. This is great, because it means we have spare capacity to deal with the peak when it comes. Plus I was still dealing with fatigue after my week off for likely covid-19 myself, and it really helped that work was unexpectedly manageable.

They’ve given us some sleep pods, and they’ve made arrangements for more staff to be able to stay over - with transport reduced, and people isolating away from families, more people are choosing to stay in hospital accommodation. We,  keep getting donations of food and stuff from people, which is really nice, though I wish it’d go back to how it was before - less donations, but because people were happy.  I guess it does improve morale, though. Hospital staff are motivated by food.

Reorganising the hospital:

They’ve basically split my hospital into ‘hot’ and ‘cold’ zones - places where we have patients with suspected covid-19 symptoms, and places for patients with no such symptoms.  This means having two ED/A+E departments. Each hot zone has donning and doffing rooms - places to put on and take off PPE. Plenty of places where you have to wash your hands. You  have to wear PPE (surgical mask, gloves, gown) even in ’cold’ places.In hot zones all patients wear a mask as a precaution and you usually have to wear more substantive PPE. I hear from friends that their hospitals operate pretty similarly - it’s standard to try to reduce contact between patients who could have covid-19, and those who don’t.

The corridors are quiet and eerie, rather like being oncall at night. Many staff wear masks between departments. Most of the admin staff are now working from home, so there are less employees in hospital than usual. The cafes are all now only take-aways, though you can still sit in the hospital canteen. Given how hard shopping is, it’s a great comfort that you can at least eat at work if the worst comes to the worst. I miss having spaces to sit - I don’t really want to eat my lunch on a covid-19 ward, and it’s important to leave your office to gain some separation from work mentally, for a short while.

They have turned some of the wards (often surgical - as there are now a lot less operations happening)  into suspected covid-19 wards. Where our teams had extra capacity (i.e. weren’t at minimal staffing), people were randomly re-allocated to the covid-wards. This happened to me weeks ago. I didn’t mind it, but at the time it was still chaotic because they hadn’t quite formalised a plan for who was being re-allocated there, when. The system is now a lot more slick, at least in my hospital. This kind of thing is unprecedented - we’ve never reorganised entire hospitals or how we work, and certainly not under short notice, and it’s been evolving with the crisis. As it stands, most wards are either hot - suspected covid patients, or cold - patients which tested negative or are not suspected of aving the virus. My regular ward is one of the few cold wards, but we still test and diagnose covid pretty often. For what it’s worth, I feel my hospital have generally done the best job that they can. They have expanded ITU’s capacity extensively, and are coming up with all sorts of ways to ensure they have enough equipment and oxygen.

Almost all outpatient departments have shut, apart from dialysis. We no longer allow as many visitors in hospital  - 1 visitor per day for  patients who are seriously unwell or dying. Stable patients are not allowed visitors. For people with covid-19, household contacts usually can’t come because they are meant to be self-isolating at home. This means a lot of phone calls to relatives updating them on their loved ones. That’s one of the main ways this has affected us - we’re having a lot more of those “I’m sorry but your loved one is very sick” or resuscitation decision discussions on the phone, and that can be hard.

Equipment and clothes:

In my hospital, I’d say that fit-testing was departmental - it was down to individual departments to organise. And although they said they’d prioritise at risk departments and staff, with re-mobilisation that clearly wasn’t taken into consideration at first. It takes a while to fit test a ton of people - and a some people are failing fit test. I passed, but not necessarily with the kind of mask that’s available. Unfortunately, people like me were on ward cover or on the covid wards pretty early, so I had to do a lot of running around to get myself adequately tested and protected. We have PPE right now, and some clear guidance on a national level, although that doesn’t necessarily line up with PPE guidance in other places. There’s a lot of criticism of PPE policies across hospitals - people fear inadequate protection and inconsistency, and they fear exposure to a virus that can kill them, their loved ones or their patients. Guidance on what kind to use, and when, has changed over the weeks.  We try to be sensible with how we use it.

They caved and gave us all scrubs to wear on the wards- 3 pairs each. Unfortunately there are no scrubs that aren’t a size large, so we are all swamped. I’ve bought some comfy but ugly clog type shoes that are easy to clean, and I plan to chuck them when this sorry episode is over. If it’s ever over. My scrubs are far, far too big (they’d be big on my 6′3′‘ dude, so on me they are like a literal tent that has to be rolled up) but I won’t get given an appropriate size when they order more. There was no other way to get scrubs - places like endoscopy or theatres refuse to help people from other departments, even if you literally tell them you’ve been deployed to a covid-19 ward. So it’s either work in tent-like pajamas or your home clothes which may not be as suitable. Dresses and skirts are fine normally, but too flappy in an infection-laden situation. I’m happy to be wearing scrubs, I just wish that they fit. But overall, I feel that we’ve been coping where I am.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #478

“i get pretty just to fuck my face up”

If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? My mom. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? NO. Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? No. Do you have things on your mind right now? My weight is very, very much on my mind. I dared to weigh myself yesterday and I'm the heaviest I've ever been. So that's comforting. Are you at all stressed right now? ^^^^^^^ hunny I wanna pull all my hair out What was the last stuffed animal you bought? I don't know. What’s the last new good song that you discovered? "The Devil's Rejects" by Rob Zombie. I've been really into him lately. Felicity, Fiona, or Flavia? (with the “v” pronounced like a “w”–it’s Latin) "Felicity" is beautiful. I love the word in general. Which biblical name do you prefer: Naomi, Esther, Rachel, or Joanna? I love the name Naomi. Do you own a cowboy hat? No. Have you ever unfriended a sibling on social media? No; she unfriended me. Has someone let you down recently? My goddamn self. What are you looking forward to? Mom to get better so we can force ourselves back into the gym. Also Girt's mom to get better so we can see each other. For the weather to actually feel fall-ish. What’s your favorite Lady Gaga song? "Bad Romance." Skeletons or scarecrows? Skelly boiz What type of tree is the most common where you live? Oh, absolutely pine trees. Where did your last kiss take place? My living room. Name of your pet? Venus and Roman. How was your summer? Shitty. I hate summer. Do you miss anyone right now? I really miss Girt. Covid's gotta go. What size is your shirt? *feral hissing noises* Who was the last person you held hands with? Girt. Do you get out of bed on the left side or right side? Left, because I sleep mostly to the left. Do you like to be closer or farther back to the wheel when driving? Neither, I think? I haven't driven in so long that I'm not sure, but I'm quite sure I position myself pretty ideally. When eating dinner, do you eat foods in order or just inhale it? It's usually kind of in order, but occasionally I'll mix it up. When you lose your phone, where is the first general place you look? My bed. Do you fall asleep with your mouth open or closed? Usually closed. I tend to breathe through my nose unless I'm stuffy. What was the last bug you killed? An ant. Do you keep items in your front or back pants’ pocket? Front. What was the last item or location you cleaned? My glasses. Do you own a pet spider? No, but I REALLY want a number of tarantulas. :( The more time that passes, the more I want some, ha ha. I'd also love a jumping spider or two, but Mom won't allow even that. Have you ever gone on a cruise? No. Is there a rocking chair in your house? No. Have you ever been stood up? No. Do you like elevators or escalators? I'm scared of both. I'm afraid of getting stuck in an elevator, or falling down an escalator/tripping on one. Which do you prefer: M&M’s, Skittles, or Reese’s Pieces? Reese's Pieces, yum. If you could be the sidekick of a superhero which superhero would you pick? Uhhhh maybe Spider-Man, if I could web-sling too? lol Where on your body would you never get a tattoo? ... Can/do people get genitalia tattoos? Because I would fuckin never- Do you think that you could ever win a food eating contest? Hell no. I would puke. Honestly, have you ever thrown garbage out of the window of a car? Absolutely not. Never. What is the first song that comes to mind when I say: Michael Jackson? "Billie Jean." Which would you find more menacing: dinosaurs or dragons? Dragons are just dinos that can fly and breathe fire, so... you tell me which is more dangerous. I'd still try to befriend one tho lmao. Can you say ��hello” in another language? Yeah; German is easy. It's just "hallo." Do you like licorice? NO omg Did anybody ever read bedtime stories to you when you were younger? Mom did. Do you have a favorite Johnny Depp movie? What is it? I really like his roles in Alice in Wonderland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Were you ever force-fed as a child? My parents tried to enforce always finishing our plates. My mom is very against that now, considering the issues it can cause. Should kidneys or other organs be able to be bought and sold? No????? That's some black market bullshit for a reason. What is one of your most important rules when going on a date? Especially if it's your first date with a person, watch for red flags. Will children today have better or worse lives than their parents, and why? Well, it'll probably go in both ways depending on the topic. The environment is dying, the economy is horrific, but I'm sure there will be things like medical advancements. What's the most ironic thing you've seen happen? I dunno. Would you rather go ice skating or roller skating? Roller skating. The blades on ice skates scare me. How many different types of guns have you shot? (water, Nerf, real, etc) Uhhh just water and Nerf, I think? Which of the three meals a day are you most likely to skip? It's very unlikely you'll see me miss a meal... I don't handle the feeling of hunger well. What's something lots of people are afraid of, but you aren't? Snakes, some spiders, I don't THINK I'm scared of deep water, the dark... Do you know anyone who is tolerant of some on the LGBT spectrum but not all? Yes. Do open casket wakes freak you out? I've only been to one, as a child, when I didn't have a full grasp on death, so it was... oddly more fascinating to me, as weird as that sounds? I think going to one now, especially if it was someone close to me, it would make the wake more upsetting. When's the last time you slept in your parents' bed? No clue. What's something that will always be in fashion? Skinny jeans, checkered Vans... What "old person things" do you do? I regularly say "back in the day," lol. And I can go to sleep very early, like 7, but that's uncommon. I complain about soreness in my back and stuff. Do you live in the same hometown as where you were born? No. Did you dorm at college or commute from home? I commuted from home. Do you prefer the thin blue and white masks, or decorative ones? Well, who wouldn't prefer decorative ones? They're more personal to your interests and stuff and I feel is more encouraging to make people wear them. I however don't want to spend money on a mask, so I'm chill with just the blue surgical ones. Have you ever witnessed someone have a seizure before? My dog, yes. Have you ever rode on the back of a shopping cart, or a Home Depot dolly? Yeah, as a kid. Does everything you buy have to be organic? No. I don't buy the groceries, but I also don't care much about that. Do you support more small businesses or chain restaurants/stores? Habitually, chain ones. I wish I paid more attention to small businesses. Have you ever been crowned king or queen at a school dance? No. How old were you when you first started wearing a bra? Am I supposed to remember that? Are you more invested in computer games or video games? I don't care what the game is on; I can be equally invested in either. I prefer to play console games, though. Are you a fan of pumpkin spice everything? Noooo. I'm not a massive fan of it, actually. Is there any holiday that you don't decorate your house for? We only really decorate for occasionally Halloween and always Christmas. Mom may put up some Thanksgiving stuff. Tell me something your parents don't know about. They don't know certain places I've done sexual things at/on. What's the last table food you fed your pet? Roman doesn't get human food. He learned at a young age that's a no-no. Have you ever peed in the water at the beach? Ew, no. Even if it's incredibly vast, people still swim in that. Have you ever scored a winning goal for a team you played for? I doubt it. Have you ever participated in LARPing? No. Have you ever gotten a divorce? Never been married. Do you prefer "regular kissing" or French kissing? I mean that depends on the place and the mood. Are you more likely to give a hickey to someone else or get one? I haven't done that in many years, and when it happened, I don't think one of us did it more than the other. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? I HATE sprinkles. Have you been in more car accidents as a passenger or a driver? I've only ever been in an accident as a passenger. Have you ever been wrongfully convicted of a crime? No. Was any of the cafeteria food at your school actually any good? I actually didn't mind a good number of things. Have you ever wanted to become a lifeguard? No. What's the highest fever you've ever had? I'm unsure, but over 100. Have you ever kissed a dog on the mouth? Well, dogs have kissed ME on the mouth. al;sdkfjalksdjkf so gross When you were born was the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck? Uh, I don't believe so. I feel like I would know that if I was. Would you enter a burning building to save a kitten? I feel like I would, I think. My intense love of animals would probably force me to kick into action. Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John? Haaaa, I have a bias for "Mark," of course... but if we're talking which name I find most appealing, it's probably John. Or Luke. Have you ever been told that you talk too much? As a child, yes. Do you like to clean? Does ANYBODY enjoy it? Do you know of anyone who went into labor at the baby shower? Uh yikes. No. When's the last time you did a hand game with someone? (ie: Mary Mack) Probably not since I was little. Do you know anyone who was not born in a hospital, unexpectedly? No. Does anyone you know have dual citizenship to live in multiple countries? Possibly? Do you still have a landline phone/phone number? No. Name a fad that was popular when you were growing up, that you miss. Oh, I KNOW there's some things, but I don't recall right now. Have you ever gotten to milk a cow or a goat? No. I'm not sure I'd want to.

[buy-me-a-color-tv]

hello ✨

i‘d really like to continue our conversation but i can’t think of anything else except that interview. i‘ve been trying to wrap my brain around how the royal family is so full of elitist and racist assholes and how there were literally only ever two good people in that family, diana and her younger son. i just know she‘s looking at them from up there and that she is proud of harry and meg!! jesus. i watched a short synopsis of the interview this morning and it left me speechless, seething, shaking with anger. i feel so so sorry for meg and i have a very strong urge to burn down buckingham palace and i feel like every single person on tumblr would help me. jesus i just - there are no words. fuck lizzie and her entourage.

anyway

i hope your dinner went well!! i‘m adulting very hard right now as well, had a practical course the last two weeks about histology and identifying different types of cells like cancerous growths and i LOVED it (was very exhausting tho which is why i‘m only just writing you now). plus i got to see my friends and even with masks and distance, we were all so happy to see each other!! it‘s been a while since my whole life was pure happiness but the last two weeks definitely were!

i‘m sure you‘ll do just fine with your bachelor‘s thesis - even better probably!! i decided to wait until the next winter semester since i‘m still short a few credit points and i don‘t want to overwork myself too much - especially since most of my lectures have already confirmed to be online next semester too and this is something that drains me so much, i can‘t even say. i have never studied so much and retained so little information than the last two semesters. it‘s been a whole ass nightmare and i dread doing it again (and again, who knows?)

i feel you so much! winter blues? who is she?? the sun‘s been shining almost everyday where i live with temperatures up to 20 degrees celcius so i even studied on my balcony a little which was AWESOME.

the situation with covid is a bit of a mess right now. the numbers are going up but restrictions are going down and i‘m kinda angry about it. i don‘t get it. why couldn’t they have waited until mid april or so because by then at least half the population should have had their first vaccine shot but well, old white men in places of power, y‘know?

i found out that surgical masks, especially the ones with the metal pieces on the nose work best to avoid fog!

aaaah i‘m so happy for you!! congrats on passing your exams!! i am really proud of you and i‘m crossing my fingers that you‘ll get your thesis done well and find an excellent well paying job ✨✨ you absolutely deserve it!

oh jesus, my posts from my first tumblr years would just make me cringe, i‘d rather not look at them 😁 i was just a heart broken little baby teenager with parent-issues and lots of insecurities and i‘m SO glad i left that little dude behind. they were a mess and while i still adore them for making me who i am, i‘d rather not see all the shit their brain came up with 😆

i‘m once again off to study because as you might know, uni never rests and exams just keep coming 🙈

wishing you a good week full of happiness and good vibes!! take care of yourself 💕

yours,

🍫🍫

Hi there 💗

Oh god yes I feel exactly the same. The sad thing is nobody is really surprised by any of this not after how they handled Diana and also how they didn't speak out against the press 2 years ago. I'm just so happy for H&M, they can start a better life now and I wish them all the positivity they need.

My dinner went very well - and wow that sounds super interesting! I'm glad you loved it as well! And yeah I feel you with the friends thingy. I wish I could see mine but a lot of them live a bit further away and it's harder to meet during lockdown when nothing's open and all you can do is take long walks 🤭 but one of them made the journey two times during the last two weeks and I'm supper happy she did. We had a good time, cooked and watched a lot of football, so it was really nice ☄️.

God yes. Studying online over the last year was exhausting and draining and you're absolutely right I feel like I haven't retained any information so far. At least not anything useful. Thanks to a calculation error I've actually got all the credits I need so I'm really just missing my thesis right now 🙈 but there's news on that as well. Sadly the professor I initially asked doesn't have any spaces left for this summer semester, so right now I'm back to trying to find a new one while simultaneously gathering more information about my topic and writing a rough summary.

We've got a lot of cold sun in the last weeks and it's been pretty nice so far. I tried to go for a walk or run nearly everyday so I get some fresh air and movement which also helped a lot. 🦋 And speaking of covid, yeah it's been messy here too. Numbers going up and down and shops slowly opening - I don't think it's time for that yet but god I am tired of staying inside my flat the whole time. So yeah I went shopping this Wednesday, but it was super weird so I didn't stay long at all - it feels kinda wrong to just go back to 'normal' after such a long time. So more staying at home until I get that vaccination 🤭😅

I just went back to not wearing glasses 😂 sunglasses are fine but with my normal ones I guess I'll always struggle. But the ones with metal pieces are definitely working the best so far!

I'm super happy as well 🥺 just glad I got all of them out of the way now! I don't know if you remember but I told you about that lip infection a few weeks ago right? And I thought with antibiotics it would get better and dissappear in the end? Well no 😩 it got worse again and in the end they told me that it's a cyst that doesn't seem to go away, so on Wednesday they had to cut it out. It took wayyyy longer than expected because that thing was also bigger than they thought. I've got stitches inside my lip now and it's super annoying because they hurt and I still feel tired from the anesthetic. Sleeping and eating are also hard - so I'm being miserable since Wednesday 😂😪 I just really really hope that after next week I don't have to worry about that anymore.

Anyways you didn't ask for any medical information but it's been exhausting around here 🤭 I also have a kinda love/hate relationship with my past self? That girl only felt alone and needed somebody who would tell her that's everything is going to be alright and that questioning one's sexuality is absolutely okay - even if it takes you years or it never stops 🤍 but in the end it worked out and I am grateful as well. And I like to think my younger self would be damn proud of who I am today!

I wish you a wonderful week, lots of sunshine and good vibes ☀️☺️ and I apologise in advance for all the f1 content on this blogs but winterbreak is finally over 😅

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍