#we're both punished for showing emotions do you understand??

[sadokasochism]

For me, the most heartbreaking aspect of Ivan is that the poor clueless bastard didn't have the tools to express his affection in any way that didn't involve violence or manipulation, or weren't too inscrutable, quiet, or unseen to be picked up by Till.

I definitely interpret Ivan as autistic for several reasons, a big one being their Segyein teacher's notes about him:

It's just. Classic ND behaviour to me.

Not only does expressing emotion and communicating the way other kids do not come naturally to Ivan, but it's not as if he's been given a great example of coping with this from the Segyein.

Ivan managed to mask in a way that made him popular with other students, and got him in the good graces of their captors. He did everything expected of him to survive and thrive in this environment.

Then he meets Till, inscrutable and very different to the other kids, just like Ivan is. Except, Till doesn't mask. He doesn't change or try to endear himself to their captors, and he doesn't bend to anyone, no matter how much he is hurt and punished for it.

This is a new situation for Ivan, and he's never had anything to compare his feelings to. He also can't figure out how to communicate with Till, every interaction, no matter how well meaning, seems to end in failure.

I bring your attention to the cheer up comic, and how, again, autistic this interaction feels:

There could be many reasons why Ivan chose to say what he did, but to me it feels like ND bluntness not being received well. And that's fair! From Till's perspective Ivan is being a jerk for no good reason.

Instead of responding with glee towards Till laying him out (as we see from Ivan when they're a bit older), Ivan justs seems... really confused. Like he didn't expect that statement to upset Till that much, and he didn't expect Till to respond in the way he did. Everything was fine a second ago, what went wrong?

Then, Ivan uses the phrase he learned from Till in an attempt to self sooth. It might have been the first example of comfort after an injury/hurt he had ever seen, given how he defaults to it. And it was from Till trying to cheer up a flower.

This also shows some of Till's blindspots. He has grown up having to be vigilant, because violence and hurt have been a core part of his upbringing. This leads to anything he doesn't immediately, clearly understand being perceived as a threat or a slight, and so he reacts violently to Ivan's statement.

I'll also draw your attention to this comic where, as far as we know, Ivan is simply stating a true fact in a blunt manner:

In my interpretation, these types of interactions keep adding up, and Ivan is grasping at straws the whole time, trying to be closer to Till and failing every time.

Eventually, the only surefire way to get Till's attention is to piss him off, provoke him, manufacture scenarios to talk to him. I'm not excusing this behaviour, but I understand where Ivan could be coming from, from the perspective of both an emotionally immature/stunted child and/or an ND child.

Despite how much they fight and bicker, at every moment it really mattered, Ivan was there for Till. It was always Ivan coming to free him, to take off his collar or gag, and it was Ivan who led their escape.

Ivan couldn't leave Till behind when he went back for Mizi. Even with the confirmation that Till would choose Mizi over Ivan every time, Ivan couldn't leave him.

The miscommunication goes two ways though. It's insane to think that Till didn't care about Ivan at all. They were close as kids, and I doubt Till ever forgot about the escape he gave up.

We have the graduation messages, where Ivan is able to write something that could be reasonably interpreted as affectionate or fond towards Till.

Meanwhile, Till's message-

If we're being charitable with our interpretations, we can say this was Till's way of saying 'of course I remember you' and attempting to communicate that Ivan HAD left a lasting impact on him.

However, how could any reasonable person be expected to get THAT out of 'you stole my fucking pencil'? Ivan could have taken this one of two ways:

1) Omg he remembers me 🥰

2) he leans into his 'i will never be loved back' bias and thinks that Till really doesn't care about him at all

Who the hell knows what goes through that weird little brain of his. But given how Round 6 went, and what Ivan had to say in the confession comic, he obviously didn't think his impact was significant enough.

Then Alien Stage happens, and in Round 3 Ivan is FINALLY communicating his feelings in a way that is vulnerable and might even have a chance of being understood as love and yearning!

Till is unconscious through it until the very end.

Then in the next round, Mizi goes missing, and Till can't care about anything anymore.

Ivan finds him after the private performance, takes off his gag, and just holds him. Again, Till is unconscious for all of this.

Then, in Round 6, not only is Till distraught from the disappearance of Mizi, but he's given no time to process what the fuck is going on before Ivan is dead at his feet. Till might have finally had a chance to really understand where Ivan was coming from, how he really felt all this time, and Ivan DIES.

And still, Ivan's most transparent act of affection? It's delivered with violence. He's kissing a distraught Till who tries to push him away, and neither of them are happy. He puts his hands around Till's neck, not really hurting him, but it's enough to look convincing for the cameras, and it's enough for Till to go limp and wait for death. Ivan's final loving act is to give Till a soft look with blood pouring out of his mouth, that Till still does not see, and then let go before falling to the ground.

It's just a collection of failures. We see from Ivan that he truly loved Till, made a lot of selfless decisions for his sake, was filled with so much longing and affection, but he just couldn't get it across in a way that doesn't seem fucking deranged from an outsider's perspective. And when he DID manage to communicate his feelings more clearly, it was to a Till that was unconscious, or too distracted/dense/traumatised to see Ivan's actions as ones of love.

There's no guarantee that Till would have reciprocated even if Ivan had managed to communicate his feelings in a healthier way, but there was at least a CHANCE. At least Ivan could have gotten some closure, even if he was rejected.

Instead Ivan died thinking he was completely unloved by the person who he cared about more than anything else, and his last ditch effort to make Till understand was deeply flawed and uncomfortable.

If these kids had grown up any other way, maybe they could have had a chance. Unfortunately, the world they were in didn't equip them to not hurt eachother in their attempts to grow closer.

[gingiesworld]

The Scarlet Storm : Hydra Reborn

Chapter Six

Wanda Maximoff x Fem GiP Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Angst

Y/N was relieved to hear about the death of Dreykov. The man who orchestrated the three of them being separated.

"When will we know if she isn't a danger?" Nat asked Bruce who just gave her a sad look.

"There isn't really a way to know." He told her.

"Come on. There has to be a way Bruce." Nat pleaded with him.

"What if you try the whistle thing again." Wanda suggested as she stepped beside her.

"Yeah. You did it on the battlefield and she froze. Like she was remembering something. Having a flashback, maybe." Maria stated as Wanda agreed.

"Ok then, let's go and you can do that Nat. If she does it or shows any sign of emotion, maybe we can let her wander around the compound with limited access." Steve said as Bruce got a bracelet out.

"Tony made this. Just in case." He told them as they all nodded.

"Well it would be easier for her to move around with her wrists not handcuffed together." Nat said as they all walked down to the cells. All of them stood in front of the cell. Everyone waited in silence until Nat whistled. Watching as Y/N whistled back to her. The same tune that she had taught them years ago.

"Natasha?" Y/N spoke as she turned around.

"Do you remember?" Wanda questioned as Nat was stunned.

"I remember Ohio. Melina and Alexei. Natasha and Yelena. All of the nights we used to sing to her when she was frightened." Y/N said as she stood up. Turning around to face her.

"How do we know it isn't a ploy?" Bucky questioned as everyone just stood there.

"Do you have any intentions to hurt any of us?" Steve asked Y/N.

"Why should I?" Y/N asked him. "I have never met any of you in my life. Besides Bucky and Natasha."

"Let's get her out." Steve said as he inputted the code to open the cell. Y/N sighed in relief when Steve also removed the cuffs. "This is just a precaution." Steve said as he put the bracelet on her wrist.

"I understand. You need to know you can trust me." Y/N said as she looked around them all. Then her eyes remained locked on Bucky.

Bucky was sat in the cell beside Y/N. Y/N had just been brought back from her punishment.

"Y/N?" Bucky called out through the vent between their cells. "Are you ok?" All he heard was a groan. Y/N was a play thing because of her condition. Bucky sighed knowing how beaten up she would be. "We're going to get out of here. Together forever little sister. I promise." He told her. Coming up with a plan to get them both out of Hydra's clutches.

Before anyone calculated Y/N's next moves. She had already tackled Bucky to the ground. Punching him repeatedly.

"You promised me!! You said together forever!!" Y/N cried as she continued. "You left me there to die. I wish I had died!!" She cried out in anger. Wanda used her powers to stop Y/N's movements. Removing her from Bucky. "Release me Wanda." Y/N asked her. Her eyes now on the witch.

"No." Wanda said assertively. "Not until you calm down." She stated, tilting her head.

"I had no choice Y/N." Bucky said as he sat up. "They moved you before I was sent out on that last mission. They told me that you had been transferred to another base because your talents were needed to train another with abilities like your own." Bucky stood up. "I tried to look for you but I couldn't find you. I TRIED!!!" He yelled with tears of his own, taking a deep breath. "I uh I searched every base. Everywhere and I couldn't find you. I thought you were dead. I mourned you. I cried for my sister in arms. I'm so sorry I failed you."

Everyone watched as both Y/N and Bucky shared a heart to heart. Y/N diving into Bucky's arms as the two cried. Nat decided to leave the room. A look of distaste on her face, Steve following her.

"Are you ok?" He asked her as she pulled her phone out.

"I have to tell Yelena, Melina and Alexei the news." She spoke bitterly.

"What's really going on Nat?" Steve asked her.

"That was supposed to be our reunion. Not theirs. We are blood sisters. The same DNA runs in our veins." Nat told him. Steve smiled at her sadly before he spoke.

"Y/N and Bucky were in Hydra together. I remember when I lost Bucky in the war. I never thought I would ever see him again. We grew up together. He protected me when I couldn't protect myself." Steve started before pointing back towards the cells. "And that in there shows me that even after his mind went in the blender over and over and over again. He was still Bucky. Just no memories of the family he left behind." He wrapped his arms around her. "She is only just remembering her childhood. The one she shared with you and Yelena. Not the one Hydra made her believe was to be true. So just give her time. Your Y/N will be back for sure." All Nat could do was nod her head. Just allowing Steve to comfort her as she allowed her emotions to get the better of her. Something that she very rarely done in front of anyone.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Taglist : @natashamaximoff-69 @canvascoloredin @wizardofstories @louxbloom @wandanats-goodgirl @the-ox-fan20 @ladyqueenxoxo @aemilia19 @wandaromamoff69 @mfd-101 @dorabledewdroop @marvelogic @dopeyouth @karsonromanoff @bimad @reginassweetheart @machyishere @gemz5 @pawiie @duckiekong @womenarehotsstuff (If you want to be added to my taglist, please DM me or comment)

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

I'm coming back to what you said in your review of the film Elio and its lack of bathos.

Actually, I'd like your opinion on why bathos has become so ubiquitous in children's productions? Why do so many animated series for children and older have this tendency to destroy and ridicule any serious or emotional moment? Why this tendency towards self-sabotage?

For example, I would say that 95% of SPOP's script problems stem from bathos writing that forbids itself from writing anything serious for more than a minute. Think, for example, of the following episode after the Horde takes Salineas, where Mermista reacts like a heartbroken teenager and Bow, Swift Wing, and Seahawk are stupidly kidnapped. In comparison, the original She-Ra series from 1985 was more serious in its storytelling despite its intentionally kitsch atmosphere.

And besides, I don't really see the use of bathos in children's series. Bathos works better in adult media because they know and understand the codes of fiction and can therefore make fun of them more easily. Whereas children are learning these same codes in their own dedicated fiction.

The only explanation I can think of is that it's due to the popularity of Marvel films, which themselves adopted Joss Whedon's writing style, which often make fun of themselves and their story, and that this is perceived by both audiences and producers as a sign of "maturity."

If you have another explanation…

oh, it's not just kids shows. i think marvel movies are what popularized bathos in movies and shows, it started off with one or two edgy characters which was fine, but then later started affecting the whole story.

my guess is that this is the response to “critiques” like cinemasins and similar variants who, instead of giving actual constructive criticism, just point out the “cringe” parts and act like they're smart for thinking that a sincere emotional moment was “too corny”.

i guess media execs saw this and assumed that the general public thinks that everything emotional is cringe. or that if your story falls into even one cliché, then it's automatically trash.

disney, which was known for its fairytales and cliché tropes, suddenly started making jokes about how people shouldn't suddenly start singing during a conversation, or how love at first sight is not realistic. some of these are fine, i do think that the trope of love at first sight can send some wrong messages, but they just kept hitting us over the head with it like “look, we're making fun of those boring old clichés! aren't we so cool and edgy?”

i also think that maybe the writers don't feel comfortable with presenting their emotional scenes as is. a lot of writers just use their own experiences and their own feelings to flesh out their characters and add to the story. most of the emotional bits you see in any media are drawn from the author's own experiences. so, for someone who is not used to being vulnerable, making fun of their own emotions can be a way to lessen the blow or feel less insecure about their story.

side note, i disagree with you that bathos works better in adult media than kids media. ultimately, i think both kids and adults are capable of understanding a joke. not all kids media are directed towards pre-schoolers. if the target audience is anywhere from 11-17, chances are, they already know the clichés these movies are making fun of.

my personal opinion is that bathos can be used, but minimally. it's fine to have one or two self-aware jokes but if your movie/show is full of them, that's when it becomes a problem. that's a one-way ticket to making your audience feel disconnected from the story.

when you write an intense emotional moment and then follow it up with some lame joke, you're basically punishing the audience for caring about the story or the characters. and that means that you just drive away people who genuinely want to enjoy your movie and instead invite in people who are ready to make fun of your work.

[lowkey-loki245]

Here I am on my bullshit again, connecting everything I can to ROTTMNT.

Okay, so I like pjsekai, my fav groups are N25 and W×S. We're not gonna talk about which W×S characters fit cause we all know who fits who (Leo = Tsukasa, Donnie = Rui, Emu = Mukey, Nene = Raph). But I really care about the Mad Dogs' parallels with N25, because they not what you'd expect.

You'd probably expect it to be Leo = Mizuki, Mikey = Ena, Kanade = Raph, and Mafuyu = Donnie, but I think it's actually Leo = Ena, Mikey = Mizuki, Kanade = Donnie, and Mafuyu = Raph. Let me explain.

With Leo, I understand expecting him to fit Mizuki. She acts pretty similar to him (and they're both trans), but Leo actually acts a lot like Ena, not just with how he normal acts (confident, prideful, passionate), but also with how he gets so defensive when he's attacked emotional. Just like Ena, he has a fight response to stress.

With Mikey, you would probably compare him to Ena because they're both artist, but I feel like Mikey fits Mizuki better. They both put others before themselves so often that they forget to take care of themselves (we never got that episode focusing in Mikey's issues, did we?).

With Raph, while both him and Kanade definitely have a savior complex, Mafuyu fits him better because they both mask so much. Raph masks his pain and struggles with being a leader so he can be the leader his team needs. Kinda just like Leo, just like Mafuyu, he puts on an act for others. (Also, the marionette imagery with Mafuyu could fit with either the kraangification thing, how he was controlled by the Kraang, or it could be more about how Raph is almost controlled by the Hamato Clan's motto. Raph does sacrifice himself a lot.)

With Donnie, you might cast him as Mafuyu because of the common misconception that Donnie acts emotionless (he's actually shows his true feelings and emotions more than Raph and Leo do), him and Kanade have a lot more in common. Composing is for Kanade what tech is for Donnie. They both treat it like it's completely who they are. They both see their worth in what they create for others, whether it be music to save people, or tech to help his brothers.

I also wanna get into why everyone in N25 wanted to disappear back at the beginning of the story. Mizuki wanted to dissappear because no one saw here for who she was. Ena because no one listened to her wants and needs. Kanade because she saw her worth in her music, what she makes for others, but couldn't find anyone she saved via her music. Mafuyu became her life wasn't her own, it had always been for others.

Everyone treats Mikey like he's fragile, like he isn't his own person that can take care of himself. Leo has severe communication issues with his family because he feels like no one listens to what he says. Donnie sees his tech as the only reason why his family keeps him around. Raph had to give up so much and take care of his brothers, to the point that his fear of being alone is probably connected to how he had to take care of them and step up for when Splinter wasn't there, so he had no way of knowing if they were okay if they weren't with him.

For one last example, let's take N25's lyrics during the rap part of "The Light that Dwells Here" and connect them with the boys.

Mikey (Mizuki): No matter what, I can't erase my heart. I'm sorry for the lonely echo. I had an idea that it would be good to paint over it, so if that's the case, it won't disappear.

Leo (Ena): So that the dark black crack would disappear. So that you couldn't see the strange tears running down my face. I wanted to hide it, I thought I could hide it.

Raph (Mafuyu): I should have forgotten, I should have. It looks so easy to open up like that. Why, why, why, why? After it disappears, the answer won't return.

Donnie (Kanade): A new game where I'll remain more weak, surely the game of punishment will continue. From now on, what should I do, I wonder? Since then, was I a little broken?

I feel like these lyrics fit the boys so well.

They all need therapy so bad, omg.

[utilitycaster]

did companion quests this morning before driving for two hours for nothing (site visit that got fucked up) so I'm going to send some emails but first let us recap because it is a WILD series of events I have had.

Went to the Necropolis (I always start singing The Church's Metropolis in my head when I say "Necropolis") to lay flowers on Emmrich's parents' graves while he talks to me about lichdom. I'm aware of the consequences thereof though I know it's a ways off, and learned wild new things about Hezenkoss, but specifically it sets up such a fascinating conundrum. Great job; it's fun to play this as a Mourn Watcher who isn't a mage, incidentally, because the dialogue actually handles that scenario gracefully for once.

Went back to the Lighthouse, where Lucanis and Davrin were getting drunk and swapping stories. They're bonding! Finally!

Went to Dock Town to go to dinner with Neve, who is like "Hal's not there so sorry we're skipping stones" and this turns into her having an epiphany on the case with Aelia. It's a good moment and I'm going to talk about it later because...

Lucanis's companion quest (which, as I understand it, is NOT available if you chose to save Minrathous) is also in Dock Town; Teia and Viago have information that's too hot for Treviso so they meet you in the Cobbled Swan instead. They reveal that Caterina's ring was thrown out, which is NOT a thing Illario (only Dellamorte present) would do, which means it's a signal. At this point, Spite takes over and addresses Rook and you go into Lucanis's Mind Palace Prison and it's INCREDIBLE. Genuinely one of the most intense and wild social encounters. I have like 5 memes in mind for later. Literally the only criticism I have is that as you go through the four "locks" (insecurities slash traumas slash Lucanis being more than a little suicidal) is that the Veilguard Team Insecurity should have been represented by Davrin rather than Harding; ngl I missed a lot of Harding's mixed feelings about Spite because that's very early in the game and I tended to do Rogue + Mage partners for quests early on and wasn't as good at eavesdropping on Lighthouse conversations so I kind of missed Harding's trepidation, whereas Lucanis and Davrin's animosity is made much more central. But Caterina and ESPECIALLY Neve (who, because I'm romancing neither Lucanis nor Neve, gets some UNHINGED commentary from Spite) and Illario are all flawless encounters. And THEN after you convince Lucanis to work with Spite and most importantly that he deserves to live and stop punishing himself forever (fun fact! the comedy mask options, which usually aren't my bag? feel really natural and good here, which I think makes sense, as a person who has irl talked more than one person, including myself, off both some dark emotional paths and also bad trips, usually not at once) you both come to and Viago and Teia are like why are both of you dissociating. focus up. A+ quest only one note.

I then returned to the lighthouse where Neve has Emmrich do necromancy on a Shadow Dragon's skull, which is all very nice, and THEN immediately Lucanis is like. Rook! I baked a pie that is Neve's favorite! Have I fucked up everything ever? And, of course, I was like "please for the love of the maker, in whom Rook doesn't believe* tell her how you feel." Anyway this rules.

I think I'll have to finish the full playthrough to give final judgment, and I do think saving Minrathous would be interesting, but from what spoilers I know and from what I've said previously about Neve I think saving Treviso is genuinely the stronger story. Like, on a main story narrative level Treviso is more defenseless and the Shadow Dragons are screwed but Minrathous itself isn't nearly as fucked up by the dragon attack as Treviso would be, but also the Dock Town folks rally better than the Antivans do and that extends very much to Neve and Lucanis. Neve is furious and heartbroken, but she shows up to the story deeply cynical and there's something extremely rewarding about having her come back and say "I knew it, I can only rely on myself, people always let you down, everything sucks and the work will never be done" and to, through persistent work and patience, show her that sometimes people fuck up or let you down and they didn't mean to hurt you and sometimes they can make amends (to the point that we are on quite good terms now!) whereas if you abandon Treviso something breaks in Lucanis and never really recovers. Like, both of them are very pragmatic, but Lucanis does, deeply, want to see the best in people despite everything, and Neve is already, as I said, very cynical and self-reliant even before she's hardened. Also frankly she comes into the story somewhat more mentally well having not immediately been in a torture prison experiencing demon possession for the past ten months. Not that anyone here is mentally well, the reason I'm so obsessed with this story is because "a bunch of highly competent bisexuals with extreme perfectionism issues and various flavors of anxiety and depression move into magical co-op housing, fight god" is, you know, kind of my whole deal, but Lucanis is much more fragile than she is to start.

*I literally played Mourn Watch entirely for the Old Kingdom/Locked Tomb/General Goth Tendencies of it all, and also because I saw a chart that said it was one of the less popular factions and so I was like well then, I shall pick that one, but I cannot stress how much as a Jewish person it speaks to me. Like wow a focus more on ritual and works and importance of knowledge and duty as opposed to faith? Thinking cremation is a weird death custom? The belief that there is a particular importance and selflessness in the work you do to lay the dead to rest? Kind of meh about the main religion of much of the surrounding world but must admit the aesthetic fucks? Anyway. Highly recommend Mourn Watch.

Also btw I learned no one knows what Vorgoth is (which is very funny because we know what he DOES, he executes people who do high crimes against necromancy) but we don't know if he can fuck. He DOES collect landscape paintings? Also if you're Mourn Watch Myrna is kind of mean to you and it's pretty great.

[yaz-the-spaz]

This last episode 🫠 it's like they're trying to make people give up buddie shipping, I remember Ryan saying in an interview a while ago that he asked for Eddie to be rude to and yell at Buck bc he didn't want the scene to be interpreted in a certain way (I guess romantic), and now it's like it's this again... I feel like we only have ourselves to blame bc while I stayed in my corner reading fics, so many other buddie shippers started harassing the cast and crew and now we're being punished 😩 of course the show shouldn't have baited us in the beginning but again if people could control their emotions and behaviour and respect what Ryan has said and the others too more recently (Oliver, Aisha and Tim) then maybe it wouldn't have turned out that way 😐 though looking I see now that the buddie friendship has often been one sided...

idk if this is from the same person as the last ask, if not they def have eerily similar themes. but while i'm glad my blog feels like a place where ppl can share these kinds of opinions - respectfully, i disagree.

i don't think it has anything to do with fans or online activity or us being punished at all. they're both very obviously grieving so while their reactions were a little harsh and ooc it's understandable given the circumstances. people fight whether they're friends or romantic partners. ppl yell at each other sometimes, especially when they're stressed, overwhelmed, or grieving. all of which was the case here so while i didn't particularly like to see it, i didn't at all interpret it as them trying to make ppl give up on shipping buddie just because they had one bad fight. (which eddie then made up for anyway).

the one time i think they actually genuinely tried to make us give up on buddie they made it abundantly obvious by literally physically separating them for most of a season and no one, not even the non-shippers, liked it and proceeded to complain about it very loudly. so one fight imo is not even a comparison especially when it was made clear things between them were all smoothed over later. but to each their own. if that's how you interpreted it i can't change your mind. especially in regards to buddie being one-sided cause i don't see that either but again, to each their own.

anyway I don't have much else to say here as I obviously don't feel the same but I respect your opinion, thanks for sharing ✌🏽

[linagram]

[ 𝙲𝚑𝚒𝚋𝚊 𝙽𝚊𝚘𝚖𝚒'𝚜 𝚃𝟹 𝚅𝙳] 𝙰 𝙶𝚛𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚄𝚙 𝙲𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍'𝚜 𝚃𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚖

naomi's vd and mv.. oh these ones.. these were hard to write. i feel bad for naomi but i also can't deny that she's a very messed up person..

Warnings for Naomi's VD: descriptions of murder, violence, abusive family dynamics.

Warnings for Naomi's MV: themes of physical and emotional abuse, descriptions of violence.

(sounds of footsteps)

Miki: Do you.. think Ishizu-san is going to be okay?

Hinode: Well, we took the memories of Eiko-san talking about Eiji-san, so he probably should feel less jealous of him now..

Hinode: But I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up remembering Eiji-san once he sees him again. 

Miki: Speaking of Eiji-san.. When is he going to show up?

Miki: It's time to interrogate the fourth prisoner and he's still not with us..

Hinode: Ah.. Let's not worry about that for now.

Hinode: I'm sure he will join us very soon.

Miki: .. He's still alive, right?

Hinode: Why wouldn't he be? It was just a broken arm, I'm sure he's fine.

(the door opens)

Miki: Hello, Chiba-san. We're here to-

Naomi: Akasaki Tao.

Miki: What-

Naomi: Akasaki Tao, 10 years old. He was my student and my victim.

Hinode: .. Starting with this, huh?

Naomi: I just want this to end as soon as possible. Ask me anything you want and I will answer.

Miki: .. Are you mad at us, Chiba-san?

Naomi: "Mad"? *laughs* I'm not mad at all. Just.. confused, maybe?

Naomi: Like.. I just want to know why.

Naomi: Why would you change your mind so suddenly? Maybe my video showed you something you didn't like? 

Naomi: Did you finally realize just how bad my crime was?

Miki: .. I guess you could say so. But also..

Miki: *in a lower voice* Chiba-san, we already know that you're a child murderer, but you really couldn't sit through three trials without trying to kill another kid, huh?

Naomi: .. Hm? What's that supposed to mean-

Naomi: Ah.. I understand now.

Naomi: My apologies, my memory has been quite blurry lately.

Naomi: Probably because of my punishment.

Hinode: Naomi-san, just why do you dislike children so much? Do you just find them annoying?

Hinode: Or maybe you're jealous of them?

Naomi: ...

Naomi: *laughs* Why would I be jealous of that brat?

Naomi: I'm talking about both Asahi and Tao right now.

Naomi: God, they're literally one and the same. It's almost like Asahi is a reincarnation of Tao- Never mind, he's actually older than him.

Hinode: Well, even though Asahi-san's personality is.. quite unique, he's not completely alone.

Hinode: He's very close with Miki-san and lately, he seems to have become friends with some other prisoners, like Akio-san and Kei-san.

Hinode: Yes, there are prisoners who would gladly hurt him, like you and Yurika-san, but..

Hinode: Asahi-san is still loved. And you aren't.

Naomi: .. It's kind of cruel to say things like that, don't you think so, Hinode-san?

Naomi: But it's true.. I wonder why I wasn't able to become close with any of the prisoners. 

Naomi: Maybe there's just something wrong with me.

Naomi: Maybe I'm just not a cute child who can get away with anything, no matter how immoral and disgusting their actions are-

Naomi: ...

Naomi: Haha.. Fine. Maybe I really am jealous.

Naomi: .. But I still can't be mad at Tao. I still feel guilty about murdering him.

Naomi: .. Tao's family didn't care about him at all. He came from a family that was very well-known in our town and they had such a good reputation, but we didn't know what was going on behind closed doors.

Naomi: His family.. was very similar to mine, actually. Maybe that's why I feel bad for him.

Naomi: His parents weren't sad about his death. Honestly, maybe they actually were relieved. 

Naomi: His classmates weren't sad about his death. Some of them even were happy about it. Children really can be so cruel sometimes, haha..

Naomi: So when I found out about his situation.. I just didn't know how to feel. Was I supposed to cry? Was I supposed to be angry? Was I supposed to be happy and proud that I've ended his suffering?

Miki: .. I think we saw Tao-san's parents talking to you in your second video. 

Naomi: Ah.. Right. They did talk to me about Tao and.. the way they treated him.

Miki: T-they've just told you everything?!

Naomi: Um.. Kind of. However, they also made sure to make it sound like.. 

Naomi: It was Tao's fault from the start.

Naomi: "Oh, he was just too hard to control!", "He wouldn't understand us if we tried something else!", "We've always told him to be careful, but he didn't listen!"

Miki: ...

Hinode: Miki-san, is everything okay?

Miki: .. Y-yes. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Miki: .. Did they know that you were the one who killed him?

Naomi: *shrugs* Not sure. But I feel like most people knew it was me.

Naomi: I.. don't remember the days after my murder that well, but for some reason, people were more worried about me than Tao.

Naomi: Like they looked at me and kept saying "It wasn't your fault" and they told me just how good of a teacher I am. 

Naomi: Tao's death felt.. like some kind of twisted celebration.

Naomi: Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the whole town celebrated a kid dying, but it was more like.. 

Naomi: .. He caused everyone a lot of trouble. Nobody had any good memories related to him. 

Naomi: And his parents really made it sound like he was just being his usual self when he died.

Naomi: He just wasn't careful enough. It was an accident. It wasn't anybody's fault, except it was kind of his fault.

Naomi: And because of their reputation and my family's reputation, people just thought of it as a sad little story and didn't think too much about it.

Naomi: They knew that if they think more deeply about it, they'd probably get in trouble for doubting our families. 

Miki: ...

Hinode: Miki-san, if you're not feeling well, you don't have to-

Miki: .. How did you kill him?

Naomi: Hm? You never saw it in the video?

Miki: Just tell me how you killed him.

Naomi: Well.. To put it simply, I ran him over.

Naomi: *laughs* Mom was right, I really am not the best driver.

Miki: Did you do it on purpose? Was it planned?

Naomi: No, not at all. It just.. happened, I guess.

Hinode: .. It wasn't intentional?

Naomi: It's still a murder though. It doesn't matter if it was intentional or not.

Naomi: It was a rainy day, I couldn't see that well and my mental state was.. not that good.

Naomi: Everything around me was blurry and even when I saw what I thought was some kind of silhouette, I didn't stop. 

(bell rings, machinery sounds)

Naomi: Ah, is the interrogation over already?

Hinode: Naomi-san, but why were your mental state "not that good"? Did something happen?

Naomi: .. Haha, don't worry about it. Just my mother being.. my mother, I guess.

Hinode: You're the oldest prisoner here and you still felt like you have to do everything your mother says?

Naomi: ...

Hinode: You've said that your family is very similar to Tao-san's.. Could it be that your mother also often said that "you weren't careful enough" or put all the blame on you?

Naomi: ...

Hinode: .. So it's like.. Even though you're an adult who has a job, can drive and owns a car, has a good reputation, is respected by so many other adults and loved by so many kids..

Hinode: You still feel like a child who will get punished if she does something wrong?

Hinode: It's just that you don't know if you should be afraid of being punished or you should be asking to get punished.

Naomi: .. Haha..

Naomi: Hey, if you think I am so evil, why don't you just kill me already?

Naomi: Do it. End my suffering, just like I've ended Tao's. Come on, a murderer like me doesn't deserve to live.

Miki: We can do just that.

Naomi: Huh?

Miki: Oh, wait.. We can't, actually. You would need like three guilty verdicts for that..

Miki: What a shame. Also, Chiba-san..

Miki: If you're so evil, why should we end your suffering anyway? Please, go ahead and suffer more for us.

Naomi: What-

Miki: And also, stay the fuck away from my brother, thank you very much.

Miki: Prisoner 004, Naomi, sing your sins! 

42% ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░░ 100%

[ Naomi's Trial 3 MV: Like An Adult ]

The video starts with younger version of Naomi writing something on the blackboard. She smiles and turns to the classroom, looking proud, but then she suddenly gets hit with a paper airplane. 

She looks at the classmate who made the airplane and sees that it's actually her victim, Tao. 

"I hate it, I hate you, I hate myself

It's always the same every single day

Do you think you're better than me? You're just a stupid child

And I'm the adult here, so I have all the power"

He laughs and Naomi looks around. She sees that all of her classmates are just Tao's clones and all of them are laughing at her. She starts to shake and she walks closer to one of the clones. 

"Ugh, I can't take it anymore, so annoying, won't you shut up already?

Looks like I have to solve this problem like an adult would

I have to show that I'm stronger, I have to show that I'm better

Violence is the only way to stay in control"

She grabs the chair next to him and starts beating the boy with it and it looks a lot like her Undercover MV scene, where she does the same thing, but to one of the guards. She laughs as she does so and she starts beating other boys with that chair as well. 

"Your looks, your posture, your voice, your face

Everything about you is not mature enough

Don't laugh, don't cry, look them right in the eyes but not for too long

Go on, look at me, be honest with me, don't feel sorry for me, just like an adult would"

But then, Naomi hears someone's steps and turns to look for the source of the sound and she immediately drops the chair. She doesn't notice that all of the clones are already lying on the floor, covered in blood. She can only see her mother, standing in front of her, looking shocked and disgusted. 

"Oh no, am I still a disappointment to you?

Am I still not enough? Am I still too much?

Being a failure is the only thing I'm winning at

So please reward me for at least trying my best"

The setting changes and now we can see a playground. Naomi's younger version is sitting on a swing and we can see that she has some bandaids on her legs and arms. Naomi sees a kid playing with his mother and being happy and having fun, but when the mother leaves, the kid casually breaks the toy he got from her, not seeing it as a big deal. 

"Can't you be more grateful? You have everything I don't

Nothing is ever enough for you, you're just a parasite

So I have no choice but to crush you like a bug"

Something about his behavior angers Naomi and she attacks the boy, making him fall on the ground. Everything around Naomi is blurry and she can't even see the boy's face clearly, but it looks like she's really enjoying this. And then, her mother appears again, but this time, she looks older. And we see Naomi's older version still attacking the boy as well. The boy looks a lot like a certain prisoner too. 

"Ah, looks like I will never change 

I am still a stupid child in your eyes

Not good enough, not good enough

No matter how hard I try, I will never truly grow up"

It starts raining and we can see Naomi and her mother walking somewhere. Naomi's mother looks really angry and she's yelling at her, but Naomi doesn't seem to care and her eyes look completely empty. Even after her mother slaps her, she still doesn't care much and even laughs. She walks to her car, ignoring her mother who seems to be against her driving, and simply smiles at her as she closes the car door. 

The rain gets worse and we can see flashes of lightning. Naomi is driving and it looks like she's very close to having a mental breakdown. She seems to be having trouble breathing and she's crying and laughing at the same time and she's not looking at the road. When she finally looks at it, we can only see another lightning flash and it's brighter than before.

We see a room that looks kinda familiar and it feels like we've seen it in Naomi's second video. Naomi's mother opens the door and runs into the room, looking worried. She tries to talk to two people who seem to be Tao's parents, but they interrupt her and ask her to follow them. She agrees and they walk into a different room. When the door opens, Naomi's mother gets even more shocked than in the beginning of the video and her face goes pale and we can see drops of sweat on her face. And then we see what made her react this way.

"My looks, my posture, my voice, my face

Everything about me is not mature enough

Don't laugh, don't cry, look them right in the eyes but not for too long

Please say you feel sorry for me, just like a good parent would"

There's younger Naomi, sitting on the couch, completely covered in bruises and scratches, her hair is a mess, her eyes are even more empty, even her pose looks unnatural, but she's still smiling. It's actually the biggest and most sincere smile we've ever seen from Naomi. She starts laughing again and as she does so, her mother covers her mouth with her hand, refusing to believe that this is happening and Tao's parents help her leave the room. 

"Nothing but a disappointment, nothing but a disappointment

Useless child pretending to be an adult

A teacher who has nothing to teach

A failure who has nothing left to fail at"

Naomi just continues laughing and clapping her hands and even crying tears of joy, but then the scene changes and we see the real Naomi, staring directly at the viewer, with eyes that are completely black and her face shows no emotions at all. 

"So won't you crush me already?"

The video ends.

[silverview]

hI it just clocked for me that you wrote that tlw smut fic - absolutely loved it btw 👏🏼 ngl i'm just as fascinated about this episode as you are, and am honestly *obsessed* with your thoughts on it so please Tell Me More 👀

aahh thank you so much!!! i'm so glad you liked it!! 🥰 (for anyone who might be interested, my the last weekend fic is here, but obviously it's pretty dark so PLEASE read the warnings)

thank you for the opportunity to rant some more. i hope i'm coherent. if you have any thoughts yourself i would LOVE to hear them too!! and pls feel free to dm me any time about this or any other episode! (this goes for anyone, my dms are open, i am very friendly and i live to yap about shows)

actually, to talk more about tlw, i need to talk more about its similarity to simon says. at their cores, they are both interrogating what creators owe to fans, and they are both horror stories about what your fans might do to you if you disappoint them. if your work doesn’t please them, if you hurt their feelings online – what will the fans do? will they weave an elaborate web of lies around you, ruin your life, and trick/coerce you into sex? in these episodes they will!

nobody talks about how chas's punishment is in kind. i don't mean the nine years. i mean the specific nature of the punishment, the tables turned against him. "loving someone who hated you." he failed to honour the parasocial contract with his fans, and so he is subjected to the ultimate parasocial rejection. manipulated into caring deeply for someone, believing in a real mutual emotional connection, only to discover it was just a facade. that the person he loved never even said i love you back.

it's a dark revenge fantasy for the fan who's had (for example...) their tv comedian crush be a little mean to them on twitter. a nightmare for the tv comedian in question. i think, consciously or unconsciously, it's a very personal story for them and especially for reece, who is on the receiving end of a lot more obsessive fan behaviour and understandably has a much stronger reaction to it.

i mean, who's really being queerbaited in tlw? not the viewers, not in the traditional sense. chas is being irl queerbaited to death. some people say the deception was too obvious – that he shouldn't have accepted only seeing his partner on weekends, for example. but the humiliation of being easily deceived, of accepting scraps, is important to the punishment. like 🤡 when you let a showrunner transparently string you along.

a little over seven years ago, i sent some fanmail to one of my favourite creators, and we started dating. we are still happily together now, and i am still a fan. but the transition was hard. we self-aware parasociality enjoyers like to think we have things in perspective – that we know we're just projecting and we actually have no idea about the real, flawed human being who exists in private. but knowing that intellectually and being confronted with the reality of it are two very different things. creators and their fans, regardless of positive intentions or demographic similarity or anything else, inherently approach each other with different mindsets which inevitably create discomfort for one or both parties. it's a really interesting and fertile kind of dynamic and i think tlw and simon says are both fascinating explorations in that space.

i think simon says is reasonably authentic and respectful to the fan perspective (never forget they did enough research to drop their own ship name in the podcast about it 🫠) but i see it as a major oversight that simon's reaction to the mention of fanfiction is to say dismissively, "no, it's more sophisticated than that." my partner – who seven years ago would have been confused by or dismissive of this sort of fan culture, but who has learned a lot by living with me – turned to me and said, "a real fan wouldn't say that."

i don't have a neat segue here, i just have one more dumb thing i wanna add about tlw, i'm crazy about this comment from someone on reddit:

he is a prettyboy!! a very pretty boy!! 🥰 but here it's clearly being used as a euphemism for slutty, which i love. oh chas. you poor little pretty monster. you will always be famous. i wonder if reece would be more comfortable with his own attractiveness if he was handsome instead of pretty.

[yandere-fics]

♡ How They React To Someone Attempting To Assassinate Their Darling ♡

♡ The City Version ♡

(Veronia is excluded as no one could even get into her territory to find out you're there and assassinate you.)

♡ She's not surprised that there are people after your head. There's just so many reasons for any given person to want your head. Getting you out of the picture would give several people the opportunity to propose a political marriage so people in the kingdom and outside would both be wanting it. Not to mention the people who want you gone just so Theanna will be weakened. ♡

♡ Still this can not be tolerated. The knights need to do better, while Abigail really wants to visit her manor, there's no way she would be allowed to when the moment she goes to her estate, the knights fail to notice an assassin. ♡

♡ It's quite fortunate that Theanna loves torture, getting their boss's name out of their mouth will be an easy task. She'll have their head at your feet in days, darling. Just wait patiently in the cushioned tower she locked you in, in the meantime. ♡

♡ Another crier. It's literally like it happened to her, mostly because it did. She forgot to mention but she made it so she feels pain for you instead, so when you get stabbed, she feels like she has just gotten stabbed. The pain would be less bad if she was the one who actually got stabbed but your body is weaker than hers and she also has emotional pain now so it feels a million times worse. ♡

♡ You're pretty shocked, you just got stabbed but it didn't hurt and Elisha healed you instantly. Did you dream it? Are you being gaslit? What the actually fuck is going on. ♡

♡ It isn't until you turn around and see her killing a random dude behind you, strangulation this time, mostly because she's in too much pain to think, that you realize that it did in fact happen. Honestly you're just going to pretend it didn't because you don't want to have to think about why it didn't hurt at all. ♡

♡ This time is was a fellow trainee. Sweetheart, you can't even protect yourself during training, how can you expect to be a knight? She's going to be revoking your training privileges. She understands you're stubborn and don't want to settle down and be just her lover but your safety matters far more. ♡

♡ No she didn't pay the trainee to attack you, she wouldn't do that, but this did happen to push along her plans so maybe she won't be as strict when it comes to punishing them. Who is she kidding, she's going to torture them brutally for even laying eyes on you in a threatening manner. But she'll say a small prayer for their contribution in getting you two together. ♡

♡ Next time she'll remember this to get you in her arms. Maybe not scaring you by making you think you're about to die but she might let someone get close to hurting you so you remember why you absolutely love and need her. ♡

♡ Wow! Her latest spell actually worked! Much better than she expected. You're a bit confused as to why you're splattered with blood as a corpse drops to the floor next to you but this is Ainsley we're talking about so not shocking. Unfortunately. ♡

♡ She put a spell on you so if anyone thinks of killing you, they'll explode and die instantly. She honestly didn't think it would be necessary, a bit of overkill but now that she knows it works, she'll refine the spell a bit so her precious darling needn't stress about getting blood on their clothing. ♡

♡ Next time she'll try to see if she can make them explode from ten feet away. That oughta show a message to any would be assassins. ♡

[just-another-star-47]

Auror Special Force AU

💠 Mission: Handling punishment for disobeying well (failed)

Is this already angst? I don't know. 😅

Normally, she was good at judging how far she could go with Sebastian. Over the last few months, she had learnt to interpret his facial expressions, to read when the point had been reached where he felt compelled to make it clear that he was still her superior. And even when she overstepped that point, her punishments usually involved simple cleaning duties. Something she hated and was therefore worthy of beeing called a punishment, but still showed that he never took her pranks and shenanigans too serious.

This time, however, she realised it was different the moment he sent the other troop members out of the gym, his anger blatant in the way he looked at her and in the shaky stiffness of his body.

"I'm really sorry, sir."

"We're only at seven push-ups. I said ten."

At the sound of his voice, she bit her lip to hold back her burgeoning tears. The burning in her muscles was a welcome distraction as she inwardly berated herself for being too sensitive. When she finally stood back up, her throat burned, and she kept her gaze lowered.

"From now on, I don't want to hear any more backtalk. No more pushing boundaries and no more fucking playing with my good nature. Do you understand?"

"Sir, I would never take advantage of your good nature, I..."

"Did you understand my words, recruit?"

"Yes, sir," her voice broke, and if she had looked up at that moment, she could have seen a flash of painful regret in Sebastian's eyes. An emotion that made him even angrier.

And so she was left with only the sound of his voice, filled with fury, echoing in her ears: "20 press-ups followed by a stretch, now!"

She started the exercise obediently, and it took Sebastian a while to realise that it wasn't drops of sweat that were dripping onto the floor at regular intervals.

"MC..." he took a step towards her, but then held back, "there's no need to cry when a lieutenant rebukes a recruit's behaviour."

Without replying, she continued to do her duty, trying desperately not to sob, which was becoming harder with each repetition.

"OK, alright, that's enough..." he grabbed her shoulder and stopped her from continuing.

"I have to do at least five more, sir," she focussed on the ground beneath her feet with a shaky voice.

"I said it's enough," gently taking her chin in his hand, he lifted her head, his eyes searching hers.

"You forgot to count again, recruit?"

With a quivering lower lip, she nodded, still trying to stop the tears.

"I just don't understand why you're crying. We both know I've inflicted far worse punishments on you."

"But you were never this angry with me then."

Confused, Sebastian's eyes narrowed, only to widen after a moment as he seemed to slowly realise. He pulled her head towards him, resting his forehead against hers, only to take a step back and run his fingers through his hair.

"You're dismissed for the day," he murmured before storming out of the room, leaving her alone.

❆⋆❆⋆❆⋆⚔⋆❆⋆❆⋆❆

Logbook: All missions here.

[energy-healing-with-jen]

WEEKEND LEARNING The Forgiveness Paradox: When Holding Yourself Accountable Becomes Self-Punishment

How to recognize when responsibility becomes destructive and find your way back to balanced self-compassion

Sarah had been replaying the conversation for three months. Every morning at 3 AM, she'd wake up and rehearse what she should have said to her mother before she passed. The guilt had become a constant companion, a weight she carried as proof that she cared, that she was sorry, that she understood the magnitude of her mistake.

"I can't just let myself off the hook," she told her therapist. "That would mean it didn't matter."

Sarah had stumbled into one of the most common psychological traps of our time: the forgiveness paradox. In her attempt to be a responsible, caring person who takes accountability for her actions, she had crossed an invisible line into self-punishment. The very qualities that made her conscientious—her desire to do right, to learn from mistakes, to be better—had transformed into weapons she used against herself.

The Fine Line We Walk

Healthy accountability and destructive self-blame exist on a spectrum, and the difference between them can be surprisingly subtle. Both involve recognizing our mistakes and their impact. Both can motivate us to change. Both feel uncomfortable. So how do we know when we've crossed from one into the other?

Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher in self-compassion, suggests that the key difference lies in our response to the mistake. Healthy accountability says, "I did something bad." Destructive self-blame says, "I am bad."

This distinction might seem semantic, but neuroscience reveals it's anything but. When we engage in healthy accountability, we activate problem-solving regions of our brain. We're focused on understanding what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. But when we slip into self-punishment, we activate our threat-detection systems. We become both the predator and the prey in an internal battle that serves no one.

The Hidden Costs of Self-Punishment

Many of us cling to self-blame because we believe it serves a purpose. We think that by punishing ourselves, we're:

Showing we understand the severity of our actions

Preventing ourselves from making the same mistake again

Somehow balancing the cosmic scales of justice

Proving we're good people who care about our impact

But research consistently shows that self-punishment doesn't deliver on any of these promises. Instead, it:

Impairs our ability to learn: When we're in a state of shame and self-attack, our cognitive functions narrow. We become less able to think creatively about solutions or see the full context of our actions.

Perpetuates harmful patterns: Self-punishment often leads to a cycle of shame and acting out. We feel bad, so we engage in behaviors that make us feel worse, which gives us more to punish ourselves for.

Damages our relationships: When we can't forgive ourselves, we often can't fully receive forgiveness from others. We may push people away or constantly seek reassurance, straining our connections.

Exhausts our emotional resources: The energy we spend on self-punishment is energy we can't use for growth, contribution, or joy.

Recognizing the Warning Signs

How do you know if you've crossed from accountability into self-punishment? Watch for these signals:

Time distortion: Healthy accountability has a shelf life. If you're still actively punishing yourself for something that happened months or years ago, you've likely crossed the line.

Disproportionate response: The internal consequence far exceeds the actual mistake. You forgot a friend's birthday and treat yourself as if you've committed an unforgivable betrayal.

Rumination loops: You replay the mistake obsessively without gaining new insights or moving toward resolution.

Physical symptoms: Chronic self-blame often manifests as tension, insomnia, digestive issues, or other stress-related symptoms.

Isolation: You withdraw from others, believing you don't deserve connection or support.

Perfectionism escalation: Your standards for yourself become increasingly impossible to meet, setting you up for more "failures" to punish yourself for.

The Path to Balanced Accountability

Moving from self-punishment to healthy accountability isn't about letting yourself off the hook. It's about creating conditions that actually support growth and repair. Here's a framework for finding that balance:

1. The Responsibility Inventory

Write down:

What specifically did I do or fail to do?

What was the actual impact of my actions?

What factors contributed to this mistake?

What can I realistically do to repair or prevent recurrence?

Keep this factual and specific. "I'm a terrible person" isn't helpful. "I spoke harshly to my partner when I was stressed about work" gives you something to work with.

2. The Compassionate Observer

Imagine a wise, kind friend who loves you unconditionally. What would they say about your mistake? They wouldn't minimize it, but they also wouldn't define you by it. Channel this voice when you notice self-punishment creeping in.

3. The Growth Question

Instead of asking, "How can I punish myself enough?" ask, "What do I need to learn or develop to handle this better next time?" This shifts you from punishment to growth orientation.

4. The Repair Protocol

If your mistake hurt others:

Acknowledge the harm specifically

Express genuine remorse

Ask what would help (and respect the answer)

Follow through on commitments

Give them space to process

If it primarily hurt you:

Acknowledge the self-harm

Identify what need you were trying to meet

Develop healthier strategies for meeting that need

Practice self-forgiveness as an act of courage

5. The Boundary Practice

Set limits on your accountability:

Time boundaries: "I will reflect on this for 20 minutes, then move forward with my day."

Action boundaries: "I will take these three concrete steps to address this, then consider it handled."

Thought boundaries: "When rumination starts, I will redirect to what I'm learning."

The Courage of Self-Forgiveness

Perhaps the greatest paradox is that self-forgiveness often requires more courage than self-punishment. It's easier to stay in the familiar discomfort of guilt than to risk the vulnerability of compassion. We may fear that if we forgive ourselves, we'll become careless or callous.

But the opposite is true. When we practice self-forgiveness, we create space for genuine accountability. We can look at our mistakes clearly because we're not defending against our own attacks. We can make amends more effectively because we're not consumed by shame. We can grow more readily because we're not stuck in the past.

Sarah eventually learned to hold both truths: she wished she had spoken differently to her mother, and she had done the best she could with the resources she had at the time. She wrote a letter to her mother expressing everything she wished she had said, then wrote a letter from her mother to herself, offering the forgiveness she needed. The 3 AM wake-ups gradually ceased.

Moving Forward

The next time you notice yourself slipping from accountability into self-punishment, pause. Take a breath. Remember that you are a human being, worthy of compassion, capable of growth, and deserving of the same kindness you would offer a good friend.

True accountability isn't about punishment—it's about recognition, repair, and renewal. It's about becoming the person who can face mistakes with clarity and courage, who can make amends without self-destruction, who can grow without shame.

The paradox resolves when we realize that the most responsible thing we can do is often to forgive ourselves—not as an escape from accountability, but as its truest expression. In that forgiveness, we find the strength to do better, be better, and bring more light into the world.

After all, the world needs people who have learned from their mistakes, not people who are perpetually punishing themselves for them. The choice is yours: Will you be a prisoner of your past or a student of it?

Remember: If you're struggling with persistent self-blame or guilt that interferes with your daily life, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. You don't have to navigate this alone.

[aerospectrum]

Dean's features were hard and focused on the spot Gabriel had been, he swallowed hard and finally took a breath, slowly exhaling when he saw Madison's warm eyes gauging his reaction. He gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze, but let her walk to the couch before turning his attention down to Cas. His hand palmed Cas' neck before he roughly squeezed to illicit a sense of doom and discomfort before shoving him forward towards the couches; the way an older sibling would-- or maybe how the memory of a too physical- too harsh father would when their kid made a mistake.

Dean wasn't a violent man... but there was subtle things he did that showed that not all his edges had been softened by years of trying to be better than John. He kept his grip on the back of Castiel's neck like an owner carrying around a rabid animal and when he didn't answer Madison at first Dean tightened his fingers and gave his head a slightly rougher than necessary shove forward. "Use your words." he barked out.

"No!" Cas snapped, his voice young, quiet... soft.

"No, what? No you didn't call him here to kill her or no he's not going to kill her?"

"No." he stated angrily again, cringing under the pressure of Dean's harsh grip.

"No, what? Answer the fucking question Castiel!" Dean shouted- the way his full name rolled off Dean's tongue made his blood run cold and his eyes... fog up. Angry tears he wouldn't let fall. "Do you wanna get hurt- is that what you want? Do you wanna get yanked back to heaven and have your brain scrambled again- do you want Naomi to take you away and punish you, what do you want, Cas? Why can't you just listen, man, why do you always have to go and fucking mess shit up, what's wrong with you?!"

"Dean!" Sam snapped, shaking his head at his brother's rampage of accusations and idle threats. "Enough dude, take a breath." It wasn't hard to read the overstimulation on Castiel's face or Madison's either, he didn't need Dean making things worse now that Gabriel was there either.

"Sit." he ordered tersely, removing his hand from Cas' neck and grabbing both his shoulders, forcefully shoving him into the seat. "Right here where we can see you, until you can act like an adult you're gonna get treated like a kid." Dean growled out the words and Cas clenched his jaw so hard his lips pressed together and his brow line deepened into a dark glare. He huffed, pent up emotions that he hated to show- a behavior of his fathers he never wanted to emulate, but it was like anger clouded logic or the ability to rationally process Castiel's desperate attempts to help them.

"I've gotta... talk to Madison, can you just watch him while we're in the kitchen?" Dean looked to Sam who relented with ease. Dean mostly just wanted to ask Madison if she was alright... but he also wanted to get away from Cas.. still mad at him even if he was just a kid. "You're gonna answer my damn questions when I get back, understand?!" he threw one last threat out then tugged Madison up from the couch into the kitchen with him. His breath shaky and his hands the same.

Gabriel was laughing at her. No, mocking her. And she couldn’t do anything. She could only glare & pout. The candy wrapper in her hand crackled as she squeezed it.

At the accusation of lying her cheeks got hot. Half in frustration half in embarrassment, she actually thought she was a pretty good liar.

The brief moment he shared w/ Dean had her raising her brow. But it was comment Gabriel made to her that sent her huffing & snapping. “Fuckin prick.” She muttered. Was she wrong to have an attraction to Dean? It didn’t seem wrong, but everyone else seemed to think so. She wasn’t playing favorites… was she?

Gabriel was gone & Madison gently touched deans arm & looked up at him. Her eyes asking ‘are you okay?’ Before turning to cas. “So….. another family meeting?” She sighed & saw herself to the couch then flopped down. Her head in her hands & she looked up at cas, many questions going through her mind then she leaned back & stared up at the ceiling.

“Is he going to kill me.” She asked bluntly. When cas didn’t answer immediately her head shifted, “did you call him here… to kill me.”

[thoughtfullyrainynightmare]

For your ask game,

What are your thoughts on William and the fact that he never apologized to fuegoleon for literally chopping his hecking arm off

Oh, I get to talk about this moooorrrrreeeee!!! ^^ I have a lot of emotions about this. Not necessarily thoughts, but emotions

Okay, so I touched on it in my Fue post of this ask game and I touched on Fue's emotions about it in this fic (and I do consider as it one of my best work to this day), but let's talk a bit more about it.

I need an apology from William.

Period.

I need William to look Fue in the eye and say "I apologize". I don't even care about bodily harm coming to William. At this point I just need him to apologize. Because I can't really justify any of it, and I tried. I have written pieces where I have tried to justify it for myself from William's point of view, and I just can't. I can't justify William being in the position he is after something like that, because "the punishment is the same for the victim and the assailant". William's punishment was to serve the kingdom as a knight, which was in his job description to begin with. So, it's not really a punishment.

Granted that the in-universe explanation is Lucius needing William, which is why he needed to be kept close. But that's Julius'/Lucius' excuse. William has none. He doesn't have an excuse to do the bare minimum and apologize. For him to say "I was wrong."

I don't expect Fuegoleon to forgive him, and I don't think William expects to be forgiven, which might be another reason as to why William doesn't bother apologizing. Or then he's just too ashamed to do it.

But he should be ashamed!! He should be ashamed. And he should own up to it.

I can't describe how much it must take from Fue to sit, in every single captains' meeting next to the man who dismembered him, like nothing had happened. To sit, side by side with someone who tried to murder you, and nearly succeeded, and you need to carry the very visible sign of having only one arm as a symbol of your colleague stabbing you in the back. I know I would be fuming if that would be me.

I don't believe in "eye for an eye", but I did need to write a scene about this into Embers, in which William does apologize and gets a broken nose as payback (which is immediately healed, mind you, and William offers for this to happen). So, it's a very small price to pay.

But as we're talking about canon, I want Tabs to write this. I want Tabs to put William and Fuegoleon into a room, and have this discussion.

And I think that Fuegoleon putting up with his, just shows the strength of his character. I think it speaks more about Fuegoleon than William.

I think Fuegoleon must have, both, a lot of thoughts and no thoughts at all about it all. I think he has tried to search his brain for answers, for ways to understand it, and I think he has probably given up, because there are no real answers. While William just avoids it, I think.

I hope there is a reason for William to not have enough of a backbone and not apologize, and I hope that it is shown. Or that there is a backflash of William actually apologizing, and we just haven't seen it before. (Because in all honesty, there is no focal point between these two since they're not a part of the main cast, but this interaction would be so meaningful for the captains as a functional unit of Magic Knights, because of what it would mean.)

Oof, that was a bit of a rant ^^' But yeah, I need William to apologize in some point

Thank you for the ask ^^

[luke-o-lophus]

Can I just say I am so deeply in love with Marc Spector?

I know we're all weak for Steven, sweet nerdy caring Steven with a V but Marc...he makes me feel things.

And not in a ''he can choke me'' or ''I can fix him" kind of way. Maybe it's the solidarity, the shared experiences. I don't condone Marc's lies by omission to Layla and others. But God do I understand it.

When I see Marc, I see a man who was ready to end himself years ago, but held on because he couldn't make that decision for sweet clueless Steven, and he couldn't leave Layla to go through Khonshu's abuse and manipulation. Was that decision his to make, specially regarding Layla? No, she deserved the explanation.

But he wrung away whatever was left of his life to what he saw was 'protection', and gave all the time to Steven. Fronting only to serve Khonshu...was he really living, or just waiting to die (or get killed)?

I don't think Marc, until now, has ever lived for himself. He's always trying to make amends, a life of trying to get punished for something that's not even his fault. He breathes because he has to, because he's afraid how Layla will see him if she knows how close to the edge he truly is.

He'd rather not show emotions than have them disregarded. Like how his father did, urging him to stay home and come back at every chance. Layla was all he had left, if even she went on the lines of "That was ages back, you gotta move on", Marc would've lost whatever slivers of sanity he had left. Better the distance than the rejection. And he'd rather go through more abuse (by Khonshu) himself than be complicit to the abuse/pain of others(Steven/Layla)

I love Marc, but in kind of a brotherly way. In a way that I want to tell him he's not alone. There are people who are willing to try get him, his choices, his trauma. Who won't shove it aside in a 'Your trauma doesn't define you' flair. I want to tell Marc to stop sacrificing himself, that he has a long and difficult way forward but he deserves to be loved the way he wants Steven to be cared for. I love Marc in a way that I want to hug him till we both cry and Marc knows he's gonna be held and cared for hours & days end if needed.

I want Marc to feel seen and understood in a way his story made me feel seen and understood.

[bylertruther]

this got really long, because i wanted to thoroughly explain myself.

ted and karen are wealthy, upper middle class people that i feel can be inferred to have been "popular" kids in their youth, or at least adjacent. ted, for instance, we know played sports. they care about appearances and have very different interests from mike. this causes a rift, because mike's whole thing is games and they just can't relate.

despite that, they still don't interfere with his participation in them. ted makes his grumbling comments, but that's all they are—grumbles. compare that to the purposeful establishing that lonnie did try to make will like normal things, that he did verbally abuse him, and how he still invalidates him. ted doesn't hound mike, pressure him, or force him into something else he deems more appropriate or worthwhile. he just makes his comment and then goes back to his own thing, leaving mike to his own thing. it's unfortunate, of course, that they don't understand his interests, but it isn't emotional neglect.

i make that ted-lonnie comparison not to say that "it has to be at this extreme to be valid," but instead to point out that the difference in how these families are written and what is being established for them. ted's comments are treated as annoyances at most, things for mike to roll his eyes at and brush off. they aren't exactly treated as bad things within the narrative either, instead just highlighting that pov difference. ("bad" as in abusive, neglectful, etc).

taking away privileges isn't an effective punishment, but it's relatively mild considering the rebellious streak that he'd gotten into at the time. given that they already see his games and toys as distractions and that he's acting out both at home and in school, in their minds, it makes sense that they'd have him give away his toys—it's an escalation and a consequence to his repeated actions. they tried being "patient" and he kept acting out. they think that if they try being harder on him, that maybe that tough love / discipline will work. they're wrong, but the point is that they do acknowledge the year he's had. they're not ignoring it—they're just at their wits' end with him and trying something else.

the "emotional value?" line is for irony, too, no? we know the emotional value in those objects, because we know mike associates them with eleven, and that's all he has left of her aside from his memories. parting with them would be like parting with her for good, whereas for his parents they're just toys. they don't know what we know, and so they don't know how it comes off.

there is the fact that karen later tells nancy she can keep her plushy, but i would need to see a similar instance for mike at that point in the story in order to make a judgment. a lot of things are different by season four, characters included. also, the context is way different. nancy isn't being punished after acting out repeatedly in that scene, whereas mike was.

additionally, both ted and karen make attempts to be there for mike. likewise, mike goes to his mom when he finds himself at his lowest and needing comfort; so, while he can't tell her what's going on like he knows she wants, he can at least let her hold him, and wants her to. they do show that they care about him and want him to be well, too.

even before the terrors begin, we're shown that mike is normally rather mouthy and rascally. later, we learn that he's explosive and doesn't react well to being put on the spot—you need to let him come to you once he's calmed down. ted and karen can try to get mike to work with them and open up, but they can't force him to, hence why they adopt the "wait for him to come to us when he's ready" approach. if anything, we've seen that not doing that just makes him close up and lash out even more. for better or worse, they know that about him.

karen and ted don't know about everything that happened in hawkins or the truth about el. even when they were approached, they didn't believe it or understand it at first, because it was just insane. still, karen showed real concern over mike. it was only when they were fed the government-approved "she's a dangerous, lying fugitive" narrative about el that doesn't shed any light on what actually happened that week, what she meant to the party (especially mike), and who she really was, that they changed their tune a bit. they're told in the end to essentially not worry about it, however, and they don't have any reason not to believe that, because they a) haven't seen anything firsthand, and b) don't have any information that makes sense. they're intentionally kept out of the loop.

yes, they end up finding the kids at the school, but... that's one night in an otherwise normal year. i feel like they're there to serve as necessary "outsiders" and give us perspective to the clueless pov, as well as offer irony and comic relief. given vecna's whole m.o., there's more to their purpose within the story, too, of course, but those components i mentioned cannot be overlooked either.

i feel like an element of suspended disbelief is generally necessary, as is the case with a lot of other things on this show. that, and we also have to consider the fact that nancy and mike can't tell anyone about what happens, because it could endanger all of their lives. and they love and care about their family! so, obviously, they can't do that and we watch them worm their way around having to ever tell them the truth.

so, you have karen and ted, but mostly karen, trying their best with kids that keep a million secrets, tell even more lies, and don't ever come to them (unless it's something not-supernatural related, like nancy's s3 sexism in the workplace moment). it doesn't occur to them that something could be happening to make them behave in such a way, other than general teenager / growing up factors, because to them hawkins was a sleepy old town. the biggest thing that happened was will's disappearance, but then he was found in the woods a few days later. and then there was the "fugitive," but they don't know a thing about her other than the fact that she's dangerous and gone now. so, in their mind, the dangers have been dealt with and mike's best friend is back. things are fine again.

i don't think it's emotional neglect, because the parents are trying and acting based on what they know and they can't force their children to reciprocate—the latter of which is the biggest thing, i feel. they don't withhold affection; they don't turn him down when he does approach them; they don't pressure or push him; they don't ignore him.

they don't let him go out and join the search in season one, because he's just a kid, same age as will, and they obviously don't want to risk him getting lost, too. then, when it was apparent that things were getting more serious, karen softened and tried again. when he becomes depressed in season two, they can't recognize its depth or true source, because they don't know that el (not the fugitive, but el) exists and "died" saving them.

it's awful, but nancy is at least "lucky" that barb died, in the sense that she can reasonably discuss her grief at least in some way. mike, however, can't. the person he grieves is a ghost, someone whose existence they can't ever acknowledge outside of a hushed whisper in his basement. he can't clear her name without revealing too much, can't tell them why he's so upset over the disappearance of someone that endangered them, someone he should be relieved is gone. so much of mike's turmoil is an unspeakable thing, something he isn't allowed to talk about. so, how is he supposed to open up if he can't talk about it? if he doesn't talk about it, how are karen and ted supposed to help him?

i just feel like there are a multitude of factors that go in to why the wheeler family dynamic is the way that it is. from plot purposes, to mike's involvement in the supernatural plot, to the way the characters are written, to the setting, and more. i think it would be emotional neglect if karen and ted were shown to not care or try. instead, we see the opposite. they're not the best parents in the world, but a parent-child relationship is a two-way street, and this one also has other deadly outside factors that prevent them from being closer.

Genuinely asking because i saw the notes in arush's post but how is what the Wheelers do to Mike not emotional neglect? Not the not knowing where he is part, that's true for all the kids, but Joyce's disregard of Jonathan is widely accepted as emotional neglect so what's different here? Why would they find it important to give us a scene where the phrase "Emotional value?" is said mockingly if not to infer something that isn't present in other families of the show? Mike's issues are obviously not at the level of other characters but we still are intentionally shown Mike's feelings being invalidated on the screen by multiple characters constantly which is definitely a choice, just as much as the choices for other characters

[cylidae]

I'm so sorry for spamming you with these dumb battle cats. I promise, I'll get back to your regularly sceduled Duncney soon. This sorta crayon style just doesn't work with my human art (in my opinion) so stupid kitties it is!

Anyways, here's a Juniperclaw

(Click read more for a ridiculously long WC rant)

The writing did my man dirty. You're telling me Assfur got into StarClan but this boy had good intentions, died saving Shadowkit to redeem himself for his actions, and then fought alongside cats from all other clans (including Rootspring of SkyClan which is an excellent character moment considering it's what he did to SkyClan that got him sent to Hell in the first place) against Ashfur as a ghost, risking his life for them, and he's sentenced to stay in the Dark Forest anyways. This cat who is clearly better than characters like Clear Sky and Ashfur (not slander btw love both of them, just talking about morals) has to stay in a place where there is no light, no company, no way out, and he's constantly starving. He is slowly fading from existence while he fades from other cat's minds. He is surrounded by magic black water that eradicates his soul from existence and cats who murdered and likely have issues with him considering he fought against Ashfur. There is nothing for him to live for, however awful that sounds. The Dark forest literally runs on negative emotions. It is designed as a torture mechanism in the sense that he just can't be happy there. And don't give me that bullshit that he guards the portal between StarClan and the Dark Forest. He sits in front of a portal all day where he is still on the Dark Forest's side. This isn't a reward. This is StarClan spitting in his face by essentially telling him "We trust you enough to let you guard this portal, thereby entrusting you with the fate of StarClan as a whole, but we do not trust you enough to let you out of Hell." I'm dying. I'm so angry at this decision. I don't understand how the authors could write him to be an objective;y good guy and still doom him to the worst fate in the Warrior Cats universe. Juniperclaw made mistakes, sure. I'm not arguing that he was right to poison SkyClan prey, but Clear Sky has a body count ranging in the double digits. Ashfur tried to kill his exes dad and her three children because he was bitter over a breakup. Mudclaw turned against his clan and tried to kill them because he didn't get a promotion. Rainflower abused and neglected her child after he was seriously injured, forcing him to take an ableist name for his injury. Appledusk cheated on his wife. There are a whole list of cats who have been confirmed to be in paradise while Juniperclaw, who has never killed a cat, is in Hell with no chance of ever getting out. It's so morally disgusting and I honestly don't understand how anybody could think this was okay. They set him up on a redemption arc. He has redeemed himself twice. StarClan has acknowledged him as a good cat, and yet he's still cast out. StarClan admits to having made a mistake with Ashfur, and yet they refuse to accept Juniperclaw.

There are other characters wronged by this, by the way. I draw Juniperclaw so he's who I talked about, but other notable examples include:

-Frecklewish (went to DF for not saving kits from a raging river that even experienced swimmers weren't capable of saving them from. She saw a rescue party show up and left due to the fact that her presence would only serve to distract RiverClan from saving the kits.)

-Brightflower (Went to the DF for accusing Yellowfang of killing her kits. Yes, she was wrong and mean, but we're eternally punishing cats for accusing people of things now???)

-Lilywhisker (Went to DF for injuring her leg and being upset about it. No, I am not making this shit up.)

-Antpelt (Was manipulated by DF cats into training there and later killed in said training. Previous examples showed other trainees being brutally killed for trying to leave, and yet he was expected to?)

-Deerfoot (I don't even know what he did. He was outspoken, but right about most things. I'm just confused about this one. Sorry, buddy.)

-Blizzardwing (Cheated on his wife. Don't have an issue with him being sent to Hell for this, but if he is then Appledusk should be, too.)

-Tangleburr (Was manipulated by her brother and supported him as leader when 50% of the clan did the same)

-Redwillow (Same situation as Antpelt. Was manipulated by the DF and never given a real chance at redemption.)

-Snowtuft (It's never confirmed what he's done, because he's been there so long that he's forgotten. He's shown to be a kind and good natured cat. It's so fucked up to have his memories slowly fade to the point where he has no clue why he's even there. If he did something horrible, surely a punishment makes more sense if he actually knows what he did.)

-Sparrowfeather (Fought against Ashfur and redeemed herself after her death.)

-Maggottail (Despite that horrible name, he fought against Ashfur and redeemed himself after death.)

-Silverhawk (Same as Sparrowfeather and Maggottail)

Sorry for this ridiculously long rant. I love these silly cat books, but they're awful :)