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noona-clock · 5 years ago

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Actual Friends

Genre: Single Parent!AU/Fluff

Pairing: Sung Joon x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: Mentions of death, some very slight mature themes

Words: 4,435

“Hey, sweet boy, how was your first day of school?” you asked as your son climbed into the backseat of your car.

“Pretty awesome,” he replied casually, getting situated in his booster seat.

You couldn’t help but let out a soft sigh of relief. When you’d dropped him off this morning for his very first day of Kindergarten, he’d been a little apprehensive.

And so had you, to be honest.

He’d gone to preschool, of course, so it’s not like he would be completely out of his element. But still. Preschool and actual school just seemed like a huge leap, and it also meant your little boy was growing up. He wasn’t going to be your little boy for very much longer; it was terrifying.

For five years now, it had just been the two of you. Your son’s father had chosen not to be in the picture ever since the very beginning, since before your son was even born, so you guys had only ever had each other.

Thinking about your son growing up and no longer needing you like he did now... it kind of broke your heart.

You knew it was inevitable, of course. It was how life worked, and there was nothing you could do. But it still hurt.

So, you would just have to make the most of the years you had left before he started hanging out with friends more than he did with you.

“What did you do?” you asked once the teacher closed the car door. You drove off through the car rider lane, heading home to the townhouse you’d lived in for the past few years.

“We walked around the whole school and we played on the playground and we went into the cafeteria and I got to play on the computer,” your son relayed, his little forehead wrinkled adorably as he thought about his day.

“Sounds fun, baby,” you grinned. “Did you make any friends?”

“Yeah!” he gasped. “I played with a girl on the playground because everyone else wanted to play superheroes but I wanted to play animals and she was the only one who would play animals with me.”

“Oh, wow! That was very nice of her. She’s in your class?”

Your son nodded before continuing on telling you about how he and his new friend had played The Lion King; she had wanted to be Pumbaa, and he had been Simba, so the two of them had frolicked around the playground pretending to eat bugs and making farting noises.

From the sounds of it, your son had met his perfect best friend.

By the time you arrived home, you’d learned just about every detail of his time out on the playground with his new friend. Despite your attempts to get him to talk about something else -- the rules of the classroom, for instance, so you knew he’d been paying attention when the teacher went over them -- he continued on with the lions and the bugs and the farts.

“I’m glad you had a good time at recess,” you smiled as you parked in your driveway. “It sounds like your new friend is really nice.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty cool,” he agreed as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

You helped your son out of the car, reaching in to grab his backpack and handing it to him.

But he wasn’t there to take it from you. Instead, he had run to the other side of the driveway, waving his arms wildly through the air and yelling out a name.

Your brow furrowed at his actions, and you shifted your gaze to see who he was calling to.

A few driveways down, you saw a little girl with (presumably) her father. She had just gotten off the bus, and she was also standing at the edge of her driveway, flinging her arms around and yelling out your son’s name in return.

“Who’s that?” you asked as you stepped up to your son’s side.

“It’s my new friend!”

“Well, look at that!” you grinned, lifting your hand up to wave at her father (who replied with a two-finger salute). “Your friend lives just down the street. We’ll have to see if she wants to come over and play sometime.”

You took your son’s hand and walked inside with him, reminding him to hang up his backpack by the front door before you went into the kitchen to prepare an afternoon snack for him.

And so continued on the routine for the next few days: you picked your son up from school, talked about what games he played during recess that day, waved to his friend when she got off the bus at the same time you two arrived home, he hung up his backpack, and you made him a snack.

“Now, remember,” you said when your son scrambled into the car on Friday afternoon. “I won’t be picking you up like this next week. I can’t leave work early anymore, so you’ll be taking the bus and grandpa will be here to stay with you until I get home.”

You were fully prepared for your son to whine and pout about taking the bus, but surprisingly, he replied quickly with a cheerful, “Okay!”

You glanced back at him in your rearview mirror, wanting to make sure he was actually as happy as he sounded. “Just look for grandpa waiting outside so you know when to get off, okay?”

“Okay!” he repeated. “But my friend rides the bus, and she knows when to get off. She’ll tell me so I don’t forget.”

Oh, that’s right. His friend rode the same bus, and her dad (you hadn’t learned who he was if he wasn’t her dad) always met her in the driveway.

You knew your dad would be there to meet your son, but you were relieved to have a back-up plan in the case he was running late or something.

I mean, you probably should meet this little girl’s dad first...

“Mommy, can we invite my friend over to play tomorrow?” your son asked as if he had just read your thoughts.

“Yeah, of course, sweetie,” you answered. “I can’t wait to meet her, she sounds really fun and nice.”

“Yay!” your son cheered, bouncing around in his booster seat.

A soft chuckle escaped your lips, and you turned onto your street, the school bus following right behind you.

After you pulled into your driveway, the bus stopped at the corner, letting off a few kids -- including your son’s friend. As soon as you turned the car off, he pushed the release button on his seat belt and opened the back door.

“I’ll go ask her if she can play tomorrow!” he cried excitedly, sliding down from his booster seat. Once his feet hit the cement, he took off running down to her house where she had just met up with her father.

You were about to yell out to your son to slow down, stay on the sidewalk, be polite! But you resisted, reminding yourself he was old enough to know all of those things. Plus, he needed to start learning to be more independent, so you would have to pull yourself away from being overprotective and nagging him about rules and safety.

That didn’t stop you from following him quickly down the sidewalk, though, wanting to arrive there before your son could abruptly invite the girl over without you even introducing yourself to her father.

When you approached the girl’s driveway, her father was crouched down in front of your son, holding his hand out for a handshake.

“Nice to meet you,” the man said with a half-smile. “My daughter has told me all about you.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty much my best friend,” your son replied as he shook the man’s hand.

“She says the same thing about you,” the man chuckled before he stood up straight, his gaze shifting to you.

“Hi,” you greeted as you came to stand behind your son, resting your hands on his shoulders. “I’m Y/N, the mom.”

The man’s half-smile grew just the slightest bit, and he then held his hand out toward you. “Y/N, nice to meet you. I’m Sung Joon. The dad.”

...It was the strangest thing.

The second you slid your hand into his, the second you heard his deep, smooth voice say your name, a delicious shiver ran down your spine.

“Nice to meet you, too,” you replied breathlessly.

“Can you come over to play tomorrow?” your son asked Sung Joon’s daughter. He rocked back and forth on his heels, clutching the straps of his backpack in anticipation as he awaited her answer.

“Yes, we would love to have you over if you can come,” you confirmed with a smile.

The little girl immediately turned her head to look up at her father, her eyes wide. “Can I, Daddy?” she asked.

Sung Joon’s half-smile finally grew into a full smile as he looked down at his daughter, resting one hand on top of her head and ruffling her hair a little. “I don’t see why not.”

Both children almost immediately broke out into a celebratory cheer, and you giggled softly at the adorable sight of them clapping and bouncing around.

“What time should she come over?” Sung Joon asked, looking back at you now.

“Around noon? She can have lunch with us,” you offered with a small shrug.

“Mommy!” your son cried. “Can we have dinosaur chicken nuggets?! Please please please please?!”

Oh, god. Your son was just going to rat you out for not always feeding him healthy, nutritious foods, then.

Thanks, buddy.

“Sweetie, I --”

“Please?!” Sung Joon’s daughter echoed. “Those are my favorite! With smiley face french fries!”

...Well. That made you feel better.

“Yes, we can have dinosaur chicken nuggets and smiley face french fries,” you consented with a smirk.

“Careful now,” Sung Joon interjected in that deep voice of his. “If you feed her that, she’ll never want to come home.”

“You can stay with us!” your son gasped, reaching out to hug his friend.

“But if I don’t go home, my Daddy will be lonely!” she replied with a slight pout.

Oh, interesting.

Did that mean... he was a single dad?

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you go home,” you assured the little girl, smiling warmly down at her. “Nobody will be lonely.”

Sung Joon simply chuckled softly, the low sound once again sending a shiver down your spine. “We’ll see you tomorrow then,” he murmured, nodding at you as he put a hand on his daughter’s shoulder to guide her into their townhouse.

“Bye!” your son cried, lifting his arm and waving at the two.

“See you tomorrow!” you added. As Sung Joon and his daughter headed up the walkway to their front door, you held out your hand to your son so the two of you could walk to your own front door.

As you strode down the sidewalk, slightly swinging your son’s hand back and forth, he said, “My friend doesn’t have a Mommy just like I don’t have a Daddy.”

Well, you weren’t sure where that came from, but you were just nosy enough to want to know more.

“She doesn’t?”

“Nuh-uh,” he answered with a shake of his head. “Her Mommy is in Heaven.”

“Oh no,” you said softly. “That’s really sad.”

“Yeah, she said she gets sad about it sometimes, but she doesn’t remember her.”

So, it must have happened a while ago, then.

“She told me her Daddy used to get sad a lot, but now he’s okay.”

Another interesting tidbit of informa --

Wait. Hold on a second.

Why did any of this matter to you? He was your neighbor, your son’s best friend’s dad, and you had just met the guy literally minutes ago.

His marital and emotional status should be of no concern to you!

Maybe it had to do with the fact that his touch and his voice had been spine-chilling -- but, like, in a good way. Not in a creepy way. Definitely not in a creepy way.

And then your son asked a question which thoroughly interrupted your thoughts.

“Are you okay, Mommy?”

Your brow furrowed deeply, and you quickly looked down at your son. “Yes, of course, I’m okay. Why do you ask?”

“My friend’s Daddy was sad, so I thought you might be sad, too. Since I have no Daddy.”

You slowed your steps and bent to pick your son up, hoisting him onto your hip.

“Listen here,” you said gently before quickly pecking his soft cheek. “I’m not sad at all. Your Daddy wasn’t ready to be a Daddy, and that’s okay. I was sad for a little bit, but then you came along. How can I be sad when I have the best, cutest, sweetest, smartest, funniest son in the whole world?”

You leaned in and kissed all over your son’s face, eliciting lots of squeals and giggles from the both of you.

You hadn’t talked too much with him about his dad, really only just telling him the basics and deciding to wait until he was older to divulge more details.

Maybe that moment was approaching a lot sooner than you’d anticipated.

“Lunch is served,” you announced as you set down two plates at the kitchen table. Two plates filled with dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and potatoes formed into smiley faces, much to the two children’s delight.

“Can we watch a movie after lunch?” your son asked before grabbing a nugget and dunking it into the pool of ketchup on his plate.

The day had begun with buckets of rain, and the sky hadn’t let up by the time your son’s playdate rolled around, so playing outside was definitely out of the question.

“Ask our special guest if she would like to watch a movie,” you reminded him as you sat down with your own plate (of a turkey sandwich and a salad -- although the nuggets and fries were tempting...). “You also have plenty of toys in your playroom.”

“Can we play with your toys first?” the guest of honor asked with a mouth full of happy potatoes.

“Okay,” your son agreed, mumbling around the prehistoric chicken in his own mouth. “We can watch a movie later.”

“What good friends you guys are,” you commented before biting into your sandwich.

Unlike the two five-year-olds sitting next to you, you had enough manners not to speak with food in your mouth.

After all three of you had cleaned your plates, you set the kids free, giving them permission to go upstairs to the playroom. Your heart warmed as you heard their little footsteps running up the stairs, and you kind of had to swallow down a tiny lump of emotion in your throat as you loaded the empty plates into the dishwasher.

You were just so happy your son had adjusted to school so well, even finding a friend he wanted to invite over and play with on the weekend.

It had been hard raising him by yourself for the past five years. Your parents helped as much as they could, but you hadn’t wanted to rely on them -- you still didn’t. Asking your dad to stay with your son after school was about as far as you were willing to go.

So, to see with your own eyes that he was becoming a well-adjusted kid was rewarding and relieving, and it made you really, really happy.

Once the kitchen was clear and (somewhat) clean, you headed upstairs, yourself. You figured you could use this time to catch up on some reading, and since your bedroom was right next to the playroom, you could still keep an ear out just in case you were needed.

They were still trying to decide what to play when you passed by, and you caught bits and pieces of their conversation.

“--play house. But if you’re the Mommy, I don’t want to be the Daddy,” your son said with some conviction.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t have a Daddy,” he answered. “Not everyone has a Mommy and a Daddy.”

“I know,” came his friend’s reply, and it sounded like maybe she was pouting just a little bit. “I only have a Daddy, remember?”

“Do you think my Mommy and your Daddy could be friends like you and me?”

You heard a soft, high-pitched gasp, and you covered your mouth to keep from giggling.

“Yeah! They could be friends, and then your Mommy could be my Mommy, and my Daddy could be your Daddy.”

Your eyes widened a little, and you immediately resumed walking to your bedroom.

That was enough eavesdropping for now.

...Although.

You would be lying if you weren’t just a little intrigued by their amateur matchmaking scheme.

Because... her Daddy was hot.

And if you want to pretend like I meant that in a different way, you are more than welcome to.

I mean, just look at him.

Thankfully, once you got settled in your bed with a book, the two of them had moved on and were now playing with the map rug on the playroom floor. All talk of Mommies and Daddies ceased, and you were able to thoroughly focus on your book.

Kind of thoroughly, that is.

Thoughts of Sung Joon did pop in your head from time to time, but they only lasted for a few seconds!

After a couple of hours, you heard the door of the playroom creak open. You glanced up over the top of your book just as the two hobgoblins appeared in your doorway.

“Mommy, can we go downstairs and watch a movie?” your son asked in his most angelic voice.

You immediately closed your book, setting it down on your side table and swinging your legs over the side of your bed. “Of course, sweetie,” you answered. “Should I make popcorn?”

Both of them answered with very excited cheers, and a smile lit up your face as you headed out into the hallway to go downstairs together.

After getting them set up in the living room with a DVD, you shuffled into the kitchen and grabbed some popcorn from the pantry. Just after you unwrapped and placed it in the microwave, the shrill chime of the doorbell pierced through the air.

You quickly pressed the 2-minute button before jogging down the hall to the front door.

You weren’t sure who you were expecting, but when you swung the door open and saw Sung Joon’s stupidly handsome face, you knew you definitely hadn’t been expecting him.

Although you probably should have been.

His daughter was here, in your house, after all.

“Hey,” you greeted somewhat breathlessly, opening the door wider to let him in. “I just put on a movie for them, so you might have a time trying to pry her away from the TV.”

“Oh,” Sung Joon chuckled, his lips pulling into a smirk (a very sexy smirk). “No, that’s all right. I’m not in a rush.”

Oh. So... did that mean he was coming inside... to, like... talk?

“Would you... like something? Water? Coffee? I’m making popcorn for the kids, I can throw a bag in for you, too, if you’d like,” you offered as you led him down the hallway and into the kitchen.

“Coffee sounds great,” he murmured, his voice a lot closer to your ear than you were expecting. It made your heart skip a beat, and you found you were kind of holding your breath as you opened a cabinet and got out a mug.

“How has she been?” he asked quietly as he slid onto a barstool at the counter, his eyes following you while you gathered the bag of coffee and a filter.

“Oh, she’s been great,” you assured him with a grin. “They’ve been playing up in the playroom since after lunch. I got to read, and they didn’t disturb me once.”

Sung Joon’s brows lifted, and that smirk reappeared on his lips. “Impressive.”

“Yeah, it was,” you chuckled. And then, as you scooped the coffee grounds into the filter, you felt the word vomit erupting. “I heard them deciding what they wanted to play, and I guess they wanted to play house because they were talking about who would be the Daddy and the Mommy and all that. They said they wanted us to be friends like how they’re friends so you could be his Daddy and I could be her Mommy.”

...Oh, my god.

Why did you just tell him that?

But instead of a very awkward silence, you heard Sung Joon’s low, deep laugh. A quick glance awarded you the sight of his smiling, crinkled eyes, and your heart leaped up into your throat.

“I guess I’ll have to tell her that’s not how it works,” he chuckled. “But I’m more than open to the idea of being friends.”

Your eyebrows rushed up as you slid the filter inside the filter basket and set it on top of the carafe.

“I -- I mean, yeah,” you replied with a bit of a stammer. “Absolutely.”

“We just moved in a month ago, and I haven’t really had time to get to know anyone yet,” he explained. You could feel his eyes on you, and after you turned the coffee maker on, you moved to the opposite side of the counter, facing him. He was, indeed, looking at you, making direct eye contact. And making your heart race.

“I figured you must be new around here,” you replied somewhat breathlessly.

Sung Joon nodded before saying, “We just... needed a fresh start.”

“Yeah, my -- my son told me... I’m so sorry for your loss,” you said quietly.

A soft, sad smile tugged at his lips, but only briefly. “Thank you. It was over four years ago, and we were still living in the same place... I finally felt like it was time to move on.”

“Good for you,” you said with a small grin, desperately wanting to reach out and put a hand on his arm. “I can’t imagine how difficult it must be.”

“At least I have her,” he murmured, glancing over his shoulder into the living room.

“Yeah, exactly,” you agreed. “I feel the same.”

Sung Joon turned back around to face you, his brow furrowed gently. “What’s your story, then?”

“Me? Oh -- he just left,” you explained, trying to sound casual. “Didn’t want to be a father, I guess, so he bailed.”

“Ouch.”

“Like you said, at least I have him. He asked me yesterday if I was sad because he doesn’t have a Dad, and how can I be when I have him as a son?”

“Still, though,” Sung Joon sighed. “Single parenting is not easy.”

“No,” you agreed with a shake of your head.

“Maybe we should help each other out,” he suggested, throwing you a curious but hopeful glance.

“Help each other out? What do you mean?”

“I’ll take him sometimes, you take her,” he explained with a shrug. “We can do things together. Just make it easier on ourselves.”

“So... become actual friends,” you chuckled, leaning against the counter.

“Yeah, become actual friends,” Sung Joon agreed with a soft laugh. A soft laugh which, unsurprisingly, sent a shiver down your spine.

“I would very much like that,” you nodded.

As you heard the coffee machine start to gurgle and sputter, you turned to go to the fridge to get out some creamer.

But Sung Joon’s quiet voice interrupted you, making you freeze in your tracks.

“We could even do things together,” he suggested. “Like, kid-free.”

You knew he probably meant as just friends, but a part of your brain was now trying to convince you he meant... as maybe more than just friends.

“Y-yeah,” you replied as movement came back into your body and you reached to open the fridge. “Yeah, that sounds great. I honestly don’t spend a lot of time with other adults besides my co-workers and my parents, so --”

“Me neither,” he chuckled. “At least, not since --”

He cut himself off, and you knew right then and there you would do your best not to push anything. Not to rush into a more-than-friendly relationship -- if you felt like it could go there, that is.

You certainly wanted it to go there, but if it did, then you would take it slow.

There was a lot on the line, after all.

Two things on the line, to be exact, and they were just in the other room watching a movie.

It was then you realized the microwave had gone off a few minutes ago, so you rushed over and opened it, taking the bag out and dumping the contents into a bowl.

Once you delivered the popcorn to the kiddos, you headed back into the kitchen to pour Sung Joon his coffee. And, while you were at it, you poured some for yourself, too.

After each of you had added your essentials, Sung Joon lifted his mug up toward you in a toast.

“To being actual friends,” he murmured, and you could’ve sworn you saw a smirk tugging at his lips.

“Actual friends,” you repeated with a slightly shy chuckle. You lifted your own mug up and carefully touched it to his.

Little did you know that drinking coffee with Sung Joon in your kitchen was the start of an actual friendship.

The two of you would start spending quite a bit of time together, mostly with your kids, but sometimes without.

You would go to the park, to the movies, to the zoo, and even just to the grocery store. You would walk around the neighborhood while the kids rode bikes, and the two of you would just talk.

You would get to know each other extremely well, and as much as you tried to hide it... feelings for each other would start to simmer under the surface.

But you would stick to your promise to yourself. You would take it slow, and it wouldn’t be for another year that Sung Joon would ask you out to dinner -- and clarify that he meant it as a date.

After that, it would be another full year of secret dates and stolen kisses until the two of you would finally decide it was time to tell your children.

And they would be absolutely thrilled, of course.

So would you.

But right now, as you sipped your sweet, creamy coffee, you had no idea any of that lay ahead. You were just glad to have a friend.

An actual friend.

#kwritersworldnet #sung joon #bang sung joon #sung joon scenarios #sung joon imagines #sung joon au #sung joon fluff #sung joon fanfic #kdrama scenarios #kdrama imagines #kdrama au #kdrama fluff #kdrama fanfic #kdrama actor

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flareguncalamity · 3 years ago

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Ok finally have some time to sit down and elaborate on this

LYDIA AND MOLLY

-Would initially bond over losing their moms and hating their dads. ‘Dead Mom’ is a Big Molly Mood and i think being friends would help them both vent out their emotional issues and trauma. Also there’s a big draw to just being able to joke about morbid and dark shit with someone else who gets it and relates to it and won’t react with shock or pity.

-Lydia would for sure help Molly let out her pent up anger and frustration, and I think Molly’s calm comforting vibe would be soothing to Lydia. They’d probably lean on each other when they need emotional support. Lydia would definitely serve as a big sister figure to Molly

-DIY gal pals. They make each other cool accessories. And Lydia teaches Molly swears

DIPPER AND ANGUS

-Would initially bond over their amateur sleuthing. I can imagine them both finding themselves working on the same case and taking down the big bad together

-They would definitely butt heads at first and honestly might even start out as rivals. They’re just both a little too arrogant about their own intelligence. but I bet working together to solve mysteries and coming to respect each other’s talents would do wonders to break down their superiority complexes. Also they both desperately need friends their ages

-Dipper would go fucking insane when he finds out Angus can do magic

LYDIA AND DIPPER

-They’ve both talked to ghosts before. They’re also both geeky social outcasts. I can imagine Lydia being the only one who joins dipper’s Paranormal Research Club and they hang out under the premise of collecting shared information about ghosts

-Dipper is more of a ghost hunter and Lydia is more of a ghost whisperer. But Together they’d make a great team hunting down supernatural threats. Just a well oiled ghost-stopping machine. Although I feel like Dipper would get a big unfortunate crush on her at the beginning of their friendship that would make it awkward at first

-Oh your grunkle killed a demon? Well I was adopted by ghosts. Beat that

ANGUS AND MOLLY

-Molly and Angus would probably bond in the same way that Molly and Sylvie did, except Angus wouldn’t introduce himself by setting a horde of angry sheep upon her. Molly the “”criminal”” vs Angus the detective would be an interesting dynamic at least

-They’re both chronic people pleasers and I can’t decide if being friends with each other would compound this problem or if they’d call each other out on it. They’re both kids that accept a lot more responsibility than they honestly should have and feel like they have to act a lot more mature and likeable to the adults around them than they want to be. Either way it’s something they can both sympathise with each other over

-‘Adult dipshit recruited me into an illegal organization and became my mentor’ gang

ANGUS AND LYDIA

-Have the least in common out of all the rest of the group, but I think they’d still be friends just by virtue of being intelligent neurodivergent loners. They strike me as ‘we hang out in school because nobody else can stand us’ friends.

-Probably have a ‘friend of a friend’ dynamic when it comes to both Dipper and Molly. They’re also both the voices of reason when the other two have stupid plans (I love dipper and Molly but... climbing on top of a dinosaur skeleton.... summoning a video game character to beat up a teenager...)

-Angus is eleven and Lydia is 17 and I don’t know any 17 year olds who would ever deign to even acknowledge the personhood of an eleven year old so for this to work let’s pretend they’re the same age

MOLLY AND DIPPER

-Mabel introduces them after she absorbs Molly into her girl group. Molly and Dipper bond over being ‘I read during recess’ kids who just need to take breaks from the noise of their other friends every once in a while. On that note though I think Trixie and Phoenica Meeing Candy and Grenda would be fucking unstoppable

-They both get pushed around a lot by their family and their peers, so I can imagine them banding together over that and sticking up for each other. Or at least venting to each other about how mean people are to them.

-Molly “I do my dad’s taxes” Blyndeff vs. Dipper “I am constantly saving my family’s lives” Pines, fight

I think Angus Mcdonald, Molly Blyndeff, Lydia Deetz, and Dipper Pines would all be best friends

#epithet erased #Molly blyndeff #gravity falls #dipper pines #beetlejuice #Lydia Deetz #TAZ balance #Angus McDonald #long post #oc #crossover

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lilacmoon83 · 7 years ago

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Dreaming Out Loud

Chapter 36: Whatever It Takes

August stood in front of the pawnshop, looking at it with trepidation. He had received a message at the front desk of the Inn this morning from Mr. Gold himself. The note requested his presence at the shop that afternoon and had stated expressly that his services as a writer were required.

He instantly wondered if it was a ruse. Surely by now, the Prince had told the Dark One everything about their encounter. He still didn't understand the Prince's motives for helping him and wondered what would happen when they found out they actually shared a grandson. He suspected that it would make their friendship stronger and something about that didn't set right with August. It frustrated him, because he felt the Prince should loathe the Dark One as much as he did, for he was the cause of all of this. However, August also was not a father and didn't have that kind of common ground that Gold and David shared.

Cautiously, he stepped inside the seemingly empty shop and felt his trepidation increase, as Mr. Gold came in from the backroom.

"Mr. Booth...you're late. I was beginning to think you weren't coming," Gold stated.

"Sorry...but I think you can understand my leeriness," August retorted.

"Leeriness? I simply called you here to hire you for a simple task," Gold responded, as August approached the counter.

"Why would you be leery? It's not as though you lied and were going to pretend to be my Baelfire...or that you stole my dagger," he hissed, as he grabbed August's shirt.

"Oh wait...you did exactly those things," he snarled at the formerly wooden boy. August's eyes were wide with fear and he was speechless, as he swallowed thickly.

"So...that's it? You're going to kill me?" he stammered. Gold growled and let go of him, as he stumbled back.

"No...I'll not waste time on such a meaningless task when you're soon to be scrap wood anyway," he hissed.

"Then what do you want? I'm not like the Prince. I won't make deals with the likes of you," August spat. Gold chuckled.

"You know, I love how you pretend you have any more of a moral streak than me. It's quite amusing, considering you're a liar and a thief. But I didn't call you here to talk about your failings as a real boy," he continued.

"Then what?" August asked.

"I want you to borrow young Henry's book and add these pages to it," Gold replied, as he handed him some finished pages that would fit in the book, complete with illustrations. August took a moment to look through the pages and his eyes widened.

"Is this story real?" he asked.

"As real as any other story in Henry's book," Gold answered.

"And Snow White doesn't know?" August asked again.

"Not yet...but she soon will when her daughter breaks the curse," Gold replied.

"Fine...but what will you do for me?" August asked. Gold sneered at him, as he grabbed him by the shirt again.

"I will promise not to use you for firewood…" he growled. August glared at him, as he released him. He had been debating whether he should tell him that he knew Baelfire, but Neal, as he went by now, didn't want him to know. And this was a promise August decided he would keep. As far as he was concerned, Neal was better off without this man in his life.

"Fine...I'll have to swipe the book from the kid, but it shouldn't take me long to add the pages," August replied, as he stalked out of the shop. He decided then though that it wasn't the only story he would be adding to the book. It was time to add his own as well…

Emma smacked the monitor and the screen blipped slightly, but remained frozen. It was no wonder though, it was still one of those clunky box monitors in true 1980's style. She had found money in the budget for a scanner, but it was proving to be incompatible with the dinosaur computer. She had been determined to streamline their filing system by scanning everything and eliminating the old, archaic way they did it now. But it was really hard to do with such outdated computers.

"I'd ask if you need my help, but I can barely use one of these things so I doubt I'd be able to fix it," David mentioned. She smirked at him.

"Yeah, watching you figure out a computer is kinda funny," she teased and he rolled his eyes.

"Here come the old jokes," he muttered, as she beat on the side of the monitor again.

"I may not know anything about them, but I don't think beating it up is going to work," he teased back. She smirked.

"It's been known to work on the bug," she quipped, as she started looking through Storybrooke's small phone book.

"I'll probably fall over in shock if Storybrooke actually has an IT guy," she mentioned, as she looked through it.

"If Regina would just give us the funding to upgrade the entire system, we wouldn't need one," he mentioned back. Emma snorted.

"Yeah, add that to a list of things that will happen when the Underworld freezes over," she commented, just as Regina walked in with a woman they didn't recognize trailing her.

"Speak of the devil," David muttered, making Emma snicker.

"Well...it's good to see that our Sheriff's department doesn't seem busy at all. You'll be able to devote your full attention to a very serious matter," Regina stated, as she motioned the woman that was with her.

"What are you talking about?" Emma questioned.

"This is Mrs. Larson...her daughter Paige is in the same grade as my Henry and I have brought some very startling facts to her attention," Regina stated.

"And what facts are those?" Emma asked. The timid woman looked up at her.

"I think someone is watching my little Paige...that shouldn't be," Amy said.

"Watching her?" Emma asked.

"Yes...he's been spotted on several occasions near the Elementary school during recess. These photos were taken and he is very clearly focused in on little Paige. It's quite concerning," Regina replied, as she dropped a file onto the desk and pictures of Jefferson at the school spilled out. Emma sighed, while David closed his eyes. It didn't take a lot to know exactly where this was going.

"I want a restraining order filed against Jefferson immediately," Regina snapped.

"Cool your jets, Mayorzilla...first of all, this is circumstantial at best and hardly a mountain of evidence," Emma retorted.

"I know Jefferson personally and I can assure you he doesn't mean any child harm," David added.

"You're not needed in this conversation, Deputy," Regina said dismissively.

"I'm concerned for my daughter, Sheriff and I'm in agreement with the Mayor. I don't want this strange man watching my little girl," Amy replied, causing Regina to smirk smugly.

"I trust you'll follow Mrs. Larson's wishes and file a restraining order immediately?" Regina asked. Emma glared at her.

"Consider it filed," the blonde answered.

"Good...see that it is delivered to him by the end of the day. And if he is caught within five hundred feet of the Elementary School again, I expect him to be arrested without question," the Mayor added.

"We'll do our jobs. It's not our department that seems to have shortcomings. I think we both know that's the justice system in this town...and the mental health system," Emma retorted, as they shared another glare.

"Come along Mrs. Larson, I'll drive you home," Regina said, as the timid woman followed her out.

"Dammit...I warned Jefferson to be careful," Emma complained.

"I know...but he can't help it. He misses his little girl," David replied, as they shared a gaze.

"He's not going to take this well," she mentioned.

"Yeah...I'll tell him and try to calm him down then," he replied, as his phone rang.

"Hello?" he answered and listened to the person on the other end. Emma started to worry when she saw her father clench his jaw and go rigid. His face was soon a mask of anger.

"Is she okay?" he asked in an even tone.

"I'm coming right now," he said next, but then stopped, as the other person kept talking and he sighed.

"All right...fine, I'll wait until the end of the day if she's sure," he relented, as he hung up the phone.

"What now?" Emma asked.

"One of your mother's students was prodded to give her a box at recess. When she opened it, there was a dead bluebird inside and that...monster was standing right there across the street!" he raged.

"Oh God...Mom…" she lamented.

"Tell me that's enough for a restraining order against him!" David exclaimed.

"He'll deny that he had anything to do with it, but I don't care. We're delivering one to him anyway. I'll fight Regina and anyone else that disputes it," she growled.

Regina's heels clicked along on the pavement, as she approached the Rabbit Hole. She was feeling quite pleased with herself, as she would soon have Jefferson exactly where she wanted him. Now, it was time to tempt a certain barfly to leave Gold in the dust and she knew exactly how to do it.

The Rabbit Hole was definitely not her usual scene, but if this worked, then being seen here would be worth it. Upon entering, she spotted Lacey immediately, as she finished off another drink. She smirked and approached her, pleased that most of the other riffraff that surrounded her at the pool table made themselves scarce in her presence.

"Good afternoon Lacey," Regina greeted. The brunette looked up skeptically and raised an eyebrow.

"Madam Mayor," she greeted, as she made her shot.

"I was hoping we could have a word," Regina requested, as Lacey moved to the side of the table to make another shot.

"No one is stopping you from talking," she replied.

"Right...you seem like you're a bit bored with this town," Regina mentioned. Lacey scoffed.

"Who isn't?" she sniped.

"It just makes me wonder why you've stuck around this place. You know, I remember before your father had you committed, you were going to blow this place and see the world, one bar at a time. Whatever happened to that?" Regina asked curiously. She snorted.

"I'm not dripping in money, like you, Madam Mayor," Lacey replied.

"Of course...you see, that's why I actually came today. I have this for you. It's from your father. He knows you don't want to see him, but he wants you to be happy and make your dreams come true; what every daddy wants for their little girl, really," Regina said, as she handed her a check. It was made out to look like Moe had written it, but it was Regina's money. With the curse weakening, she knew Lacey might actually make it over the town line at this point. If she did, she would never remember her life as Belle. And Regina would enjoy twisting that particular knife in Rumpelstiltskin. The barfly's mouth dropped open.

"Whoa...this is a fortune!" she cried.

"I guess your father has been saving his pennies," she commented.

"Though...I suppose Mr. Gold will be quite sad to see you go," she added.

"Who cares? It's not like I was serious about him!" Lacey exclaimed. Regina smirked deviously.

"Exactly! Now go on...go home and pack. It's time for you see the world and find Lacey's happy ending," the former Queen said.

"No offense, Madam Mayor, but I'm dropping this town like a bad habit," Lacey agreed, as she hurried out. Regina smirked victoriously. Everything was happening exactly as she wanted it to.

Flashback

Seven Months Before the Dark Curse

Hades, Ares, and Phobos arrived at their destination after a fairly lengthy journey. Even as Gods, the trip to this particular place had to be made by horseback.

"I do not enjoy the mortal way of traveling," Ares complained, as they dismounted the horses and approached the sacred and mysterious place known as the vault of the Dark One.

"How does this work? Ares asked.

"Pour the ashes on the vault seal," Hades instructed, as he magicked a three tiered candle to shed light on the dark and desolate place. Ares did as instructed and spread Deimos' ashes on the seal.

"There can't be more than one Dark One at a time. How do you know this will work?" he questioned his brother.

"We are not creating another Dark One. The ritual works for anyone wishing to bring someone back from the dead, as long as the price is paid," Hades responded.

"A life for a life," Phobos stated and his Uncle gave him a curt nod, as he came to stand behind his nephew.

"We still don't have a sacrifice. Don't we need a mortal for the ritual?" he asked.

"If we were only reviving him to be mortal...but Deimos is a God. In order to restore him and his immortality, we must sacrifice...another immortal," Hades informed. Before either Ares or Phobos could realize his implication, the God of the Dead shoved his nephew onto the metal plate in the ground.

"Hades...what are you doing?!" Ares cried, as he held Phobos there and the other God cried out in agony, as his body was marked by the seal. Ares watched in horror as his son was tossed away, his flesh burning and intensifying as an inky blackness consumed Deimos' ashes and began to rise in a mass of convulsing black matter.

"Father...help me!" Phobos cried desperately, as more and more of his body burned away as the mass began to take on the form of a man. With a final screech of pain, betrayal, and desperation from Phobos, he was incinerated to ash and taking his place was now a revived Deimos.

The deplorable God of Terror looked at his hands in amazement and then an evil smirk marred his newly restored face.

"You...you killed my son!" Ares cried.

"You knew there was a price to revive your other son...the useful son and not that sorry excuse we just rid ourselves of," Hades spat.

"So you killed one of my sons to revive the other? So he can do your bidding?" Ares cried.

"Yet you did nothing while Phobos writhed in pain. You've become so weak, Ares. No wonder there is no war anymore in this land. Phobos was even more pathetic than you are," Hades quipped.

"He's right father...it's time these mortals knew true terror and pain again. It's time they are put back in their place and after I dispatch Snow White's meddlesome friends and her husband, they will learn that place with her by my side as my Queen, in chains if that's what it takes," Deimos hissed.

"You'll do no such thing...at least, not yet," Hades admonished.

"What?" Deimos growled and the God of the Dead held up a hand.

"They must think you are still dead for the time being, for there is a curse coming and it will provide a much better opportunity for revenge against Persephone's daughter," he explained.

"A curse?" Deimos questioned.

"Yes...the Queen will be casting a terrible curse that will take the Kingdom to a Land Without Magic. She is doing so to punish Snow White and destroy her happiness," Hades said.

"But...in a Land Without Magic, I will have no power!" Deimos protested.

"Not in the traditional sense, but someone like you will be very well off and important in this land. And no one, save for the Queen, will have any memory of who they really are," Hades continued.

"But if I don't know who I am…" Deimos started to protest again.

"Relax...you may be unaware of your immortal roots, but you'll still be yourself deep down. And Snow White will be reduced to a timid, meek woman that will be easy prey, especially without her husband around to make trouble for you or her friends defending her," Hades responded.

"I still don't see why all that is necessary! I can have her now! There is no blood moon to stop me until next autumn!" he argued.

"It is necessary...because I said it is!" Hades shouted, as his hair exploded in blue flames, making Deimos cower back before the powerful God of the Underworld.

"You will do as I say and someday, there will be magic there. The rules are very different in this Land Without Magic. You will be my way in, so to speak. You'll do as I command and then I'll let you do whatever you wish with Snow White," he promised.

"Of course, My Lord," Deimos answered obediently.

"Excellent...remember, no one can know you're alive and you must be in the Kingdom when the curse is cast," Hades instructed.

"I will do as you command, My Lord and then chaos will reign," Deimos replied. Hades smirked at that word. Oh, chaos would reign. When the curse was finally broken, he would finally be able to offer Zelena what her heart desired most; revenge against her sister. And then...then she would see they belonged together.

"Yes...chaos will befall all who oppose me, including Zeus," he said, as he looked to Ares.

"I would choose sides wisely, brother," he warned, leaving Ares torn.

Everything on Jefferson's table went scattering to the floor, as he angrily upset it. His temper and unstable nature had finally reached a boiling point. David tried to keep him from a further tirade, but the Hatter shrugged him off.

"It's not fair...she's my daughter! Not that woman's!" Jefferson ranted.

"I know...I know...none of this is fair," David responded.

"It's easy for you to say! At least your daughter knows you! She doesn't look at you like you're some stranger!" Jefferson shouted. The Prince sighed, knowing he was right.

"We're going to fight her...Regina is pulling out all the stops now. You have to know that means she's scared," Emma reminded.

"No...what I know is that she always wins! And we keep losing!" Jefferson yelled.

"Not for long...it will happen. The curse will break," David insisted.

"You keep saying that! But are we really any closer than we were four months ago?" Jefferson muttered.

"Of course we are. There is a battle coming...I can feel it. This is all just building to a confrontation with Regina and she knows she probably can't undo the damage we've done to her curse now. It's only a matter of time," David replied.

"I'm tired of waiting! I want my daughter!" he snapped.

"And you'll get her back! I want my mother too and I'm not stopping until we get her back!" Emma snapped back. Jefferson shrunk back slightly, as he glared at the piece of paper in her hand.

"We have to issue this to satisfy Regina for now," Emma said.

"She's not done...she won't stop here," he warned.

"We know...and we'll be ready to fight her every step of the way. She won't get away with this for long," David assured. Jefferson wanted to believe that, but the more he thought about it, the more tempted he was to beg Emma to get his hat to work.

"What if I have a way we could escape her?" he blurted out.

"What do you mean?" David asked.

"My hat...it can open portals. We could take Henry, Grace, and Mary...all of us and just escape!" he pleaded. David and Emma exchanged a glance.

"Without their memories, Grace and Mary wouldn't understand what we're trying to do," David reminded.

"Oh please...Mary would follow you anywhere! And back in our land, one true love's kiss and she'd remember everything! And Grace...maybe the same could work with her," he said.

"But there's no magic here...how do you plan to get the hat to work?" Emma asked.

"You're the Savior...you have the magic it takes. Please Emma…" he begged.

"You know that running isn't the answer. Believe, it's really tempting, but we'd never truly be free. Regina and Damon are bad enough, but back there we'd have Cora and possibly Hades to deal with. It's too dangerous and I know my wife. She'd never leave our people at Regina's mercy," David implored.

"Oh please! These people don't give a damn about you! They lied to you about the wardrobe! Why the hell would you still protect them?!" Jefferson shouted, as David tried to calm him down.

"Because it's the right thing to do...and you know it," the prince said.

"He's right...but we need to go. We have another restraining order to deliver," Emma said, as they started toward the door.

"If you think Damon's going to stop stalking Mary, because of some dumb piece of paper, you're idiots," Jefferson grumbled.

"We know he won't...but we're still going to give the warning anyway. Are you going to be okay?" David asked.

"I'll be fine," he muttered. At least he still had his telescope. They hadn't taken that away...yet. He watched them leave and then shut his door. And once he was alone, his tirade began, as he threw and tossed any object within reach…

Mary watched her students file out for the day and forced an encouraging smile for Henry. The boy had been worried about her all day since the commotion at recess. She was tired of this man making her feel this way. It wasn't right, especially since his threats weren't just at her, but at David too. She sighed and packed up her things for the day. Walking out of the school and toward her car, she checked her messages and found one from her husband.

"Hey...I heard what happened. Stephanie called me and I was going to come right away, but she insisted that you were okay. I know you are...because you're strong, but I still wanted to be there for you," his message said and she smiled at his concern.

"I'm not going to let him keep doing this to you. It might not do much good, but Em and I are going to deliver a restraining order to him in person today. I don't know how yet, but I am going to stop him and find a way to lock him up permanently," his message continued. That worried her a little. She didn't like the thought of people she loved confronting this monster, especially on his own territory.

"But I don't want you to worry. I won't be long and then I'll see you at home. I love you so much," he said, as his message ended and she hung up her phone, as she reached her car. Her heart dropped into her stomach though when she reached the station wagon and saw a bouquet of black roses laying on her hood. Tears threatened to fall and her heart pounded in her head. She picked up the roses, intending to toss them to the ground, but cried out, as inevitably, her finger was sliced by a thorn. She dropped the disturbing flora to the ground, as blood dripped onto the hood of her car and onto a note left for her. And the words on the piece of paper made her blood run cold.

Here lies David Nolan

She read the words and almost felt like she was hyperventilating. The note was clear though. Her husband was going to confront Damon Tromera today and this monster had made his intentions clear. He was going to kill David. She let the paper fall to the ground and jumped into her car, before peeling out of the parking lot. Stephanie waved to her, trying to get her to stop, but could only watch, as Mary sped off at dangerous speeds. She ran to where the black roses had been discarded and picked up the note. Her blood too ran cold at the words on the paper.

"Oh Gods...Athena protect them…" she uttered, as she hurried on foot, intending to follow her daughter. She only hoped she didn't arrive too late…

#Snowing #snowing fanfiction #season 1 au #season 1 retelling #Golden Mad Charming BroTP #persephone #greek mythology meets farytales

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nakateleeli · 7 years ago

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More Welgaea asks

About time I wrap up some more of these to unclutter the blog. I should go back and try to organize them at some point so if someone wants to know something specific they can find it more easily...

A few notes of my own:

So I’m exposed to more books in my current job than I’ve been in a long time. Not that I read them, but I see the covers and sometimes read the preview on the inside cover. Today I saw a book called “The Twilight Wife”, and before I’d looked at anything else on the book I’d gotten this idea in my head of someone’s wife that only existed during twilight hours and what a cool fantasy urban legend that would be. Like, these two fell in love, and even managed to get married, but the wife explained that she could only ever be around at twilight, and couldn’t explain why. She ends up being a fairy and is only human shaped at that time or some unknown magical creature that actually ceases to exist when it’s not twilight. There’s so much mystery in understanding how the world works in those old tales and I’d love for Welgaea to be the kind of world where stuff like that could happen. Just on the verge of people’s society, on the edge of the place where monsters and magic reside, a lot of mysterious things happen.

I suppose after the previous post, and as a topic that may come up, I should probably talk briefly on reproduction and genetics in Welgaea. There are inter-racial relationships and reproduction, but much in the way an X/Y chromosome determines physical sex, genetically a child will be either one race or the other. So you don’t get halflings. No race is genetically dominant. Many traits can still carry over, but it’s relative. a tall human and average elf may have an elf child that’s tall for an elf, but not tall for a human.

I’ve also mentioned some monsters, such as succubi and kitsune, that would have human intelligence and be able to take on a human form. (I say humans, but I’m referring to any of the four humanoid races) Despite being monsters, some are able to fall in love with humans and potentially even reproduce with them. Genetically, a child will be either a human or a monster though. Still no halflings. Should this happen there’s a much higher chance of the child being a monster than not, and in some cases, like succubi, the child will always be a monster. A human child of a monster may be slightly more magically inclined than otherwise. Human-monster relationships are strongly looked down on.

I also like the idea of sufficiently powerful mages being able to create “temporary” matter. Like if someone wanted to create a block of ice instead of being forced to rely on water or water vapor in the environment they could just create some water, but it would only exist as temporary matter, dissolving into the energy used to make it after a short delay. This would let mages do stuff like attack with more traditional magical spells without having to worry about all this excess matter they’ve created from nothing building up.

Anonymous asked: (This is not so much a question, as it is a pointer, so, feel free to not answer this one.) Regarding the mutation question, it can be something like, say, heterochromia. It seems to me that it would be more likely for a welgaean to develop that condition, rather than, say, sprout wings (but, you never know). Mutations aren't always extremely apparent, or damaging, or the like. Looking into heterochromia itself might be a nice gateway into this field of study if one is so inclined , so... yeah!

I hadn’t responded to this right away mostly because it was more additional information than a question, but I do think things like heterochromia and other mutations that generally just “look cool” would likely be a little more common in Welgaea.

Anonymous asked: Has the world of Welgaea, throughout its existence, ever faced any worldwide extinction events (like the our Dinosaur Crisis)? If so, are any of them considered relevant by the population of Welgaea today, or are they not considered noteworthy (for comparison's sake, in our case, the Dinosaur thing is at least somewhat relevant, with its own field of study and such). Have any of these events left any residual effects on the environment (e.g. huge shifts in ecosystems, endangered species, etc)?

Can’t really say much without spoilers for much much later, but yes. One or two. Life as we know it didn’t start until after the most recent, thousands of years ago, and the few that lived through it took the knowledge of it to their graves.

Anonymous asked: On Welgaea and probability: taking how the biology of reproduction works into account, how do you figure mutations figure in this occasion, if at all? For instance, a human and a bestia lead to the conception of offspring; we know, by Welgaea rules, that the child will be either a human, or a bestia and never, say, an elf. However, as a prospective human-or-bestia, what mutations would be more-or-less likely to manifest (considering mutations to be as rare as ours, for a point of reference)?

I’m not exactly sure what you mean by mutation, and some more specific questions (or perhaps just a definition of what you mean) would help a lot. I’m not really up on my genetic biology. That said I’ll do my best. I’d say the probability of mutations is about the same as on Earth. More subtle, gradual changes and differences can be passed to offspring, giving rise to evolution, but more drastic changes are often the cause of genetic “malfunctions” so to say, and are rarely able to be passed to offspring. So, a bestia who happens to be kind of good at magic could likely pass that trait to their children and on. On the other hand, genetics don’t normally allow for a bestia/elf hybrid, instead just choosing one or the other, but that doesn’t bar the chance of the genes getting a little crossed and actually producing a bestia/elf hybrid. Since this isn’t a genetically intended result it likely wouldn’t be as eloquent as many who want a true halfling would want. It also couldn’t be passed to children, though they may potentially produce elf or bestia children.

As a follow-up to the mutation question, does Welgaea follow the same rules of dominant and recessive inheritance as our world does? Or do welgaean genetics do their own thing?

I’d be willing to say it’s the same dominant/recessive inheritance as Earth, if I’m remembering how it works correctly.

Anonymous asked: Once again on the topic of dragons, given that we now have a rough estimate of their intelligence, what do you figure their instincts are like?

I’d say their general motives are similar to any wild animal. The seeking of food and shelter. Though being as powerful as they are they tend to find these easily enough and have time to sleep, rest, or play. They tend to live alone and don’t mate for life, just sticking around until the children can fend for themselves. They also have a penchant for collecting things and being pack rats.

Being fairly powerful they aren’t easily susceptible to fear and tend not to be ravenously hungry, so they won’t often go out of their way to terrorize people due to either. For the most part they’re more laid-back and remain confidently unaggressive when approached. They do like their solitude, and are very protective of their belongings and homes, so approach too close and (if you’re lucky after a bit of a warning) they’ll quickly dispatch the intruder.

Anonymous asked: So, on the topic of Welgaea and the bell curve's properties of probability: I do recall you touching on the subject of welgaean dragons and the intelligence thereof. Regarding this subject, how high (or low) can the intelligence factor reach, and how high (or low) has it ever reached up to this point in time?

I think I mentioned last time that dragons are just monsters in Welgaea, a far cry from something like D&D’s elder dragons that can speak and philosophize, often shown as being smarter than humans.

To answer the question, dragons are fairly simple. I’d say they’d range from squirrels to octupi, with the smartest ever probably being near to a pig. This is a pretty rough estimate though, and I’m sure as I learn more about intelligence in general this impression may change.

Anonymous asked: Given what we know in regards to the population and races of Welgaea, it has been established that outliers do exist. However, is there any form of concept so outlandish that it will never actually appear as part of the population? Or does the bell curve do its thing and infinitely extend without ever touching the probability of zero?

I’d say that for sure some things are just physically impossible. But this goes to stuff like “how much muscle mass can a person have before they’re unable to move”. And in a similar vein most stats will have a top and bottom.

But even with that aside, probability goes down and down as you move farther from the center of the bell curve, and the population of Welgaea does have a limit. It eventually comes that even if something is physically possible, it’s so rare that not even a single person on the planet has been able to trigger it. Of course it’s also possible that it may have happened anyway, because probability, but for cases that rare and singular I’ll reserve the right myself to deem if it has happened or not canonically.

That may not be the most specific answer, but if you have any specific concerns about outlandish concepts, just ask and I’ll be sure to answer with a bit more accuracy!

Anonymous asked: Given that outliers in the population can exist (rare, though not impossible), would it be possible, by some in-universe twist of fate, for a beast-like bestia to have the capabilities of an advanced scholar (knowledgeable on many subjects beyond just nature) on top of bestian strength and be living a lifestyle more isolated than your average bestia (closer to how human or elfin relations would work)? (This is more or less to test the limits of how far from the average can an individual be.)

It’d be exceptionally rare, but technically possible. So for the question of variance, it can be quite wide! Averages are averages, but that won’t stop some from cropping up kinda far from it. I would emphasize just how rare this would be though. Probably rare enough that people wouldn’t believe it if you told them. Perhaps just a handful across the entire planet.

Anonymous asked: Regarding the goddesses and their worship across the races, would each race depict them with characteristics of their own race (for example, an abaia depiction having the goddesses portrayed with fins, or a bestia depiction having animal features - like a chimera, for the three-as-one)? Or is there a single, universal depiction that all races use? (Also, for the sake of fan art, do the additional eyes-per-goddess follow a standard, or can they be chosen at will (units, pairs, three-eyed, etc)?

There is a universal depiction of her, though there can be some small variety depending on local cultures. She’s depicted like most deities, like Kharon and Kentra, typically with a human-like appearance with pointed ears, though the speedy one is thinner, the wrathful one is more muscular, and the nurturing one has a more motherly weight to her. These features tend to combine and even out when they’re depicted together.

She’s typically depicted nude, but sexless, her skin glowing as though she were made of energy. Her hair is more of a wisp of energy than hair. There are a few diamond-shaped objects floating around the front of her head, somewhat like a large, disconnected tiara.

As for the eyes, the speedy one is depicted with her eyes closed, but a third eye on her forehead. The wrathful one is depicted with her eyes open, and the nurturing one is depicted with her eyes closed, but two thumb-sized dot-like eyebrows. When shown combined typically the features are shown together, that being the eye on the forehead, eyebrows, and regular eyes. None of the eyes have actual pupils, and if they even have irises they’re very unpronounced.

Do keep in mind that I’m still hammering this one out, so nothing’s set in stone! This is just sort of where I am now, I guess? So don’t worry about needing to be super-precise with the designs, it’ll likely change some anyway!

kuipernebula asked: Another random Welgaea question relevant to this Elf-Ninja OC I'm making. How prevalent are like, secret organizations in Welgaea? Or like, secret types of magic or fighting styles, etc.?

Just like groups of cultists or bands of thieves and the like exist, I’m sure secret organizations exist, though given the population and what it takes to get by as-is they wouldn’t be commonplace or large. You may find a rare individual (like Morgana) that can run a group well enough to control a large town from the shadows, but this is one-in-a-million, and even then even if she has a troop in another town exerting any real control beyond that one town is unrealistic. The distance and unavailability of manpower is just too great.

Anonymous asked: I don't really know how to ask this without sounding rude, but: Are there any boys who are major characters that you haven't revealed yet? I ask mostly because I always find it hard to find non-straight boys in video games, and I know you put a lot of effort into the diversity of your characters...

Admittedly my ethos is making lady characters. I sort of have to go out of my way to tell myself “hey, you could make that a dude”. But that said, there are a few males I have in mind. There’s one major character in the first game, but despite being a major character he wouldn’t really be a character-character. That doesn’t make any sense I’m sure. I can’t really say much more on him without revealing a bit much about the first game. There would be a few in the second game that would have something to do with Morgana, but I feel like going too much into them right now is revealing too much/doing too much design for the second game. Oh, I do believe the third ascended ability user, alongside Lucienna and Morgana, would be male. Probably an older guy. Haven’t done much design on him either. Not sure what role, if any, he’d have in any of the games.

Anonymous asked: Would it be a major spoiler to talk more about the Goddesses?

I’m still hammering out the details on them, so I couldn’t say much one way or the other. The three goddesses are the creators of Welgaea. They are all-powerful and all-knowing. The worship of them is the overarching religion of the world. Additionally, though they aren’t exactly active there’s enough evidence to their existence that denying their existence is being a bit of a flat-earth atheist.

Each represents a different aspect, the three balancing each other out. One represents power, strength, and force. She’s the one that smites those that threaten their children. One represents love, wisdom, and protection. She is the one that creates a safe place for their children, caring for all. The third represents speed, mobility, and charisma. She is the one that welcomes any and all into their embrace.

Though their worship is the overarching religion of Welgaea, different people, and even areas, can worship any one, two, or all three of them. When they are depicted they are always depicted as a single being, with additional arms and eyes if it is representing more than one goddess. The first goddess’s arms are raised high, as though to strike, the second’s arms are closed, as though to cradle, and the third’s are outstretched in welcome.

I do not yet know their names. Each one would have an individual name, though much like their singular depiction their names would be combined to make a single name as well when referring to more than one.

kuipernebula asked: Neat! So have you named all of the constellations/months yet?

Nope! The two major themes to the world are the three goddesses and the elements, and I don’t feel like the months would have anything to do with either. I feel like they’d just be shapes and figures that were recognizable to them, but they likely would have had names and stories attributed to them as well. They wouldn’t consider these part of the world’s mythology though, more just neat tales.

kuipernebula asked: So random Welgaea question: What's the astrology situation of Welgaea? Like constellations, is there a zodiac, do they determine birthsigns by a solar cycle like our zodiac, etc. If there isn't one, why not?

This is delving into an area I’m less studied in, but I’d say astrology is certainly a thing. It’s tied fairly close with the development of the calendar. There are twelve months, each 30 days long, and each named after an astrological sign, which in turn are named for constellations. Since it’s tied very closely to the months of the year there aren’t really birthsigns, as instead they just refer to birth month. I’d say astrology is treated about as seriously as it is today, which is to say some people try to tell fortunes and determine characteristics and compatibility between people using them, but the accuracy of these is across the board. None the less, it’s something many people tend to keep in the back of their heads as a “what if it’s true” sort of thing. Scientifically the constelations can have an effect on elementals and elemental energy, though minor, but this is tied closer to the time of year than anything astrology related. Their year itself is a few days shorter than ours, but each day is longer to compensate. The year may not exactly be 360 days long, though it’s very close. They don’t yet have the technology or interest to determine exactly how far off it is, but it’s likely only a few hours off. In the future, once they figure this out, they’ll likely introduce a leap-day every decade or so to compensate.

Anonymous asked: Which characters know each other by the start of Welgaea?

At the start of the first game nobody knows anybody! They all meet each other over the course of the three games. This actually complicates the puzzle game I’m working on…

thecrystalcavernsdynasty asked: Are there secret communities of monsters and humanoid races living in peace and harmony or are relationships so rare that would never happen?

Not really. The relationships are very rare, and the odds of one couple finding another, and above that wanting to build a society together, are unlikely. Additionally, intelligent monsters don’t have much in the way of communities. In general the more intelligent one is the more powerful it is, and the more powerful it is the less inclined they are to hang around each other. The simpler a monster is the more likely it is to have a community or group, but the less likely they’d be able to handle something complicated like a human mixing it up.

To give a few examples, succubi do live in small groups, but that’s mostly due to one “alpha” being powerful enough that the others act almost like servants while still benefiting from systems and organization of a group. The “alpha” is pretty much the sole thing keeping the rest from either splitting off on their own or killing each other. Though succubi do have to mate with humans, the insertion of a human here would not change how the community works, and would be subservient to either the mate or the “alpha”. Though they could make friends, they hold no power.

Kitsune are loners by nature, embarking out on their own pretty much as soon as they’re physically able to. They have no desire to be a part of a community. If a human mate drug them into a society they’re be very reserved and distant. Pretty much only as much a part of the community as they’re forced to be.

Fairies are a bit more complicated as they’re naturally much smaller than humans, at about two feet tall, but can shape-shift to a human’s size (This does take energy though, they can’t stay shapeshifted for long periods). Fairies, being lower on the power scale than succubi or kitsune, are a bit less intelligent. They’re personalities are a bit less distinct and have trouble grasping more complicated thinking. They’re very easygoing and somewhat aloof. Due to this they tend to live in small, simple, cooperative communities. This is very different from any human community, though, yet some humans would be happily able to live in and contribute to such a basic community. A single human would be a bit of a surprise, but would be fine as long as the human wasn’t very outgoing. Two humans would be rough, and three would be too overwhelming, making the fairies uncomfortable and they’d likely all just disappear one day, off to either start over somewhere else or split off, each joining some other fairies’ community. For fairies it would probably be easier for them to shapeshift to a human and live with the human, as long as it was still somewhat secluded from human society and the human did most of the community interactions.

kalanken asked: Are there any domestic animals on the floating island, or are all the monsters hostile?

Apologies if I can’t answer some questions in the most detail. I haven’t worked a lot of it out yet. I suppose one thing to explain is there is I do make a distinction between normal wildlife and monsters. Normal wildlife is generally passive, though may try to defend itself. Monsters, on the other hand, are largely aggressive, though some may be passive as well. Wildlife consists of things like insects that just bum around and do what they do, as well as smaller animals getting as large as sheep and perhaps cows. Anything larger, like bears, do not exist, instead being replaced in the ecosystem by monsters. Some wildlife can be domesticated and kept for wool or milk or the like, and even some passive monsters can be kept, such as getting some ooze from slimes. While wildlife can be domesticated and realize that staying in the people’s care is beneficial to it, monsters can not be domesticated. Some monsters are just simple-minded enough that they don’t really care that they’re in a pin. Typically monsters have fewer edible parts or parts that are more unsafe to handle, though aren’t all completely inedible.

I’m not yet sure what the distinction would be between monsters and wildlife to the people of Welgaea. After all, to them they would be the same. Also of note is that I really don’t want a lot of similarity between Earth animals and Welgaea animals. So I don’t actually want cows and sheep, but animals that would fill similar roles would be nice, like the sheep in FFXIV. To specifically the floating island, I don’t think they have many domesticated animals. At the very least they don’t have any just for meat, though they may have some sheep or something. They would go hunting for meat if they needed it, as well as growing crops.

Anonymous asked: Aside from the humanoid species, what is the wildlife on the floating island like?

It’s a bit hard to get into specifics until I get around to enemy design. But I can at least say that a few people live on the surface in relatively safe spots. A few animals live nearby and you’ll see some weak monsters about as well. It’s safest there. The further you get from where the people live, and the further underground you go, the stronger the natural monsters are and the harsher the environment gets. The wildlife there tends to just be smaller insects and the like that won’t get in the way of the monsters, and deal with the harsher environment mostly by not getting in its way. You won’t see any really high-tier monsters though, like succubi or dragons, for a few reasons, though lately the monsters have been getting bolder and stronger due to related reasons.

Anonymous asked: So, regarding the abaia, are the uniformly humanoid like the elves and the humans themselves, or do they have a wider range of appearances like the bestia?

They’re a bit more uniformly humanoid, yes. Of course as with any race some can look a bit more brutish than others, and with the abaia this tends to make them look a little more fish-like, but it would still stay in the realm of a normal humanoid.

Anonymous asked: Regarding the orders of elementals, it is to my understanding that a there are higher-order elementals 'watching over' lower-order elementals (like the tree-forest-island example). My question is, sir, is there a definite top (or bottom) to that ordering scheme, or is it infinitely ascending/descending? (In code: str = "A high elemental " | engage-infinite-loop { str = str concatenate-string "of high elementals "}) (the fact that infinite loops cause computer crashes notwithstanding, obviously.)

There is a top and bottom, yes. Higher-tier elementals are formed from the same elemental energy that forms the lower-tier ones, but the higher-tier ones are only really formed specifically from the gathering of energy into the lower-tier ones. So the lowest-tier elementals are ones that are formed directly from the environment and not from other elementals. These lower tier elementals are somewhat subordinant to their higher-tier ones, but more accurately they’re sort of a part of them. The absolute top comes when the distance between elementals is so great that they’re unable to contribute to a single higher-tier elemental. More powerful high-elementals do have a greater range for this, but distance will eventually override it. I’d say you could find a single high-tier elemental of each element residing over the entire planet, and then perhaps one for each continent or ocean below that. The distance between planets is so great that even if an elemental were able to form on a nearby planet (or the moons for that matter) they wouldn’t be able to contribute to an inter-planetary elemental.

thecrystalcavernsdynasty asked: Don't they have water-breathing magic or air bubble magic in Welgaea? Wouldn't that make it easier for people to interact with the underwater realm?

The mage community is still working on that one. None of the bigger cities have seen the need to pour so much research into developing technology for it. You may find an oddball living alone near the coast with a hand-made diving suit, but it’d be super jank and not give you much mobility or even go super deep. A magical device that can repel the pressure under water, as well as separate gases from the water into a form that’s breathable, while expelling unnecessary gasses so the person doesn’t suffocate, is quite complicated. Recently a kind of aqualung has been developed relying on magic to operate, that can separate water into breathable air, and then expel what’s breathed out, but you’d have to go to big magic research facilities to find one, and they still don’t offer any protection from water pressure. (For the purposes of gameplay, at least in the first game, I’m just going full-Mario and not worrying about it. You can just run around under water)

Anonymous asked: Are there plans for an underwater area in Welgaea?

Yes! There are plans for an underwater section in Welgaea 1. Development on the second and third games are far enough off I can’t say.

Anonymous asked: How plot-heavy is Welgaea shaping up to be?

Not terribly plot heavy. The first game is a metroidvania, so aside from a bit of dialogue here and there it wouldn’t be too big, but I’d still like to throw some twists and turns at you. I’d say more than Super Metroid, but not as much as Metroid Fusion. The second and third games would likely have more plot to them, but no more than, say, Zone of the Enders 2? Still exploration-based, but with a bit more action, especially come the third game. It’s hard to say for sure how much plot would be in the second and third though, with development on them so far off.

natsumehonnaji asked: In the world of Welgaea is there anything akin to a more traditional Kitsune? Curious because I'm contemplating putting something together.

I’d say much like the succubi, something like a kitsune could exist. That is to say, a creature classified as a monster with human-like intelligence and appearance but more monster-like morals. They’d be magical creatures like succubi. They would likely not be able to completely masquerade as a human, so they probably wouldn’t be able to hide their tails or something. Also I don’t know about that whole “a fox that gains a tail every 100 years” thing either. They’d probably be born as a fox with all nine tails, and as they grow and get better at manipulating magic they can take on a human form. They’d probably be about on-par with an ability-user for power. For them coming from both magical and physical ability. So the common person would be in trouble if one decided to attack. A seasoned adventurer would likely put up too much of a fight to be worth the engagement, and a couple adventurers or soldiers would be bad news.

kuipernebula asked: So I've been working on that Welgaea elf from a while ago, and had a brief question: In the writeup for elves, you mentioned that they're naturally thin and "even seeing one that’s fairly defined is rare." I was intending to make my elf character short and stocky as a bit of a play on expectations of fantasy elves, but I realize that the "stocky" part is really the only part that doesn't work. If I made him "half"-human or bestia, would it be unreasonable to say his bodytype is because of that?

There are no half breeds, he’s either an elf or a human, but that said, just because it’s rare doesn’t make it impossible!

Anonymous asked: In Welgaea, is someone's race inherited directly from their parents, or is it possible, for example, for two humans to produce an abaia if one of them has a parent/grandparent/etc. who's an abaia?

Race is directly inherited from the parents, yes. So even if a human’s parents are a human and an abaia, that first human will only produce a human (unless they pair with a non-human of course).

As sort of an aside, and not directly on-topic, I gave averages in the race posts, but that doesn’t mean that’s what all of that race is like. Even though on average the bestia aren’t great at magic, that doesn’t mean no bestia ever is good at magic, it’s just very rare. Most any race could be good or bad at anything, it’s just more or less likely to happen the farther from that average they are.

phantom-form asked: In Welgaea, will any antagonists have a change of heart or take up new professions in later games? If so, does their change ever influence Miss Naka's adventures?

Well now that would be a spoiler!

#Welgaea

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saybwee · 7 years ago

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My story - Childhood

As I threatened last night, it’s time to tell my story. My memory is horrible for my early years, so there may be a lot I forget, but onwards! My life starts as most do, with being born. In Greenville, South Carolina, the hospital was closing, but that’s where my mother was taken to have me. They clocked my birth according to my dad’s watch cause the clock had already been removed from the room and none of the doctors or nurses were wearing watches. It was 1:58 pm, April 14th, 1983.

About a year later, my parents moved to be closer to theirs, and Ladson, SC is where we moved. It was a mobile home, I believe, a small walk away from where my mother’s parents lived, on a large-ish piece of land.

I don’t remember much about that time of my life. I know my grandfather grew big round sweet grapes in his yard. I remember being on someone’s shoulders, looking up and seeing the moon bigger than I ever had before, like I could reach out and touch it. One time I got in big trouble because I walked over to my grandparents’ place by myself to visit them without telling my parents. They stomped me home and put me into the corner. I remember crying because I had no idea what I’d done had been wrong. I remember being sat on the couch with my cousin (son of my dad’s sister), then having him walk and stomp all over me with his shoes. I remember making my mom rescue an earthworm that was in an ant hill and being swarmed. Not much else.

When we moved from that house, I was about 5, and my mom took a video of the place, our house and my grandparents’. I was with her most of the time, (and because at this point I’ve seen that stupid video 3264754736 times, which included every time I brought a significant other to meet them, and during my dad’s drunken rewatches because he misses when I was little and not a disappointment to everyone in the family), I also know that at that point my mom’s younger sister and brother were living at my grandparents’ place at the time as well.

We moved into another mobile home, this time in a relatively well-kept trailer park. While I attended kindergarten and elementary school, I was eager in school and worked hard to make my parents proud, though I was always a teacher’s pet, quiet, chubby, and so got made fun of quite a bit by other kids. I guess I brought it somewhat on myself. I remember my first kindergarten friend, M, and I running around on all fours outside during recess, pretending to be animals. Eventually my parents made me stop hanging out with her, because they thought she was a bad influence. She told my parents when she stayed over one night that she was a witch or something, and because “she was a liar” she was forcibly removed as a friend.

Eventually I made a friend on my street named K. K lived with her brother and her mom who had divorced, and eventually her mom’s new husband moved in. They were a really nice family, though I honestly had more fun hanging out with K’s little brother than I did with her (I preferred his K’nex and liking to pretend to be dinosaurs over the contemporary christian music and dolls my other friend liked to play with. This caused a lot of fights, but we tended to make up and spend time together anyway.)

When I went to middle school, I was bullied. A group of kids would make fun of me, steal my tests and cheat when the teacher wasn’t looking, and in general harassed and intimidated me, though I don’t think they were ever violent. I asked my mom to put me in a private school to get away from the bullying. She didn’t, but my dad did go to the school to complain. I was sent to the office, then in walked the girls that had been harassing me, all staring me down with horrible angry looks while the (counselor, I think) basically told them to lay off of me. I think the bullying got a bit worse before I got better. Every move I did, even as simply as pulling my pants up a bit cause they were sliding down, was scrutinized and made fun of. I learned to hate and fear those quiet voices that always ended in stares and giggles.

In 4th grade I graded high enough on a placement test that I was put in a gifted and talented program. Because of this, my parents kept raising the bar of what they thought were acceptable grades and behavior. Anything below an A after this point was met with disappointment, angry words, and sometimes yelling. (You can imagine what happened when I failed a math class in high school, heh).

Around this time I had made a couple more friends on my street. One birthday my parents gifted me with a wooden playhouse that they’d built, about the size of a smallish shed, with a little table and chairs inside, a door, and a window. I have no idea how it happened, or who started it, but I guess when I was around 11 some friends and I started playing Truth or Dare and strip Uno in the playhouse. It lasted a good number of months, Eventually one kid ran out, opening his big mouth about what had happened, loud enough for his dad to hear. We all got in trouble, and grounded by our respective parents, but I was grounded for a month whereas the others were outside and playing after a week or so. This was after my dad had yelled at me and hit my arm repeatedly and told me I was a sorry, stupid person, and who knows what else. My mom had to grab me and take me to the car and drive around to give him time to cool off, all the while basically telling me not to be a slut like my dad’s sister. So yeah, great family bonding.

Also in this time, if I ever complained that I missed the dogs my parents kept adopting and giving away when they had behavior issues, I was yelled at, though I did have some wonderful pets when I was growing up. Prina, the first cat I picked out at the SPCA, basically turned into my guardian, following me around when I’d play outside, or walking me to or from where the bus picked me up or dropped me off. Magick, a tiny fluffy kitten found under our neighbor’s car, became our second cat, though my dad resisted for the longest time, not being very fond of cats. I also had a hamster or two, a hedgehog (we gave him away when he bit the crap out of my hand and wouldn’t let go and I was too afraid to handle him after that) and temporarily adopted frogs and lizards (even a turtle once, from my grandparents’ pool) in jars or boxes that I would observe and release the next day. My dad eventually brought home a pomeranian puppy that my mom fell in love with. It essentially became her dog though, as it didn’t seem to like being around me much.

This is also when I remember my dad’s drinking becoming a problem. I told my mom I kept seeing him drink and trying to hide it, and she suggested I talk to him about it. When I did, my dad called me a liar and made me wait on the couch for hours until my mother came home so he could “tell her what I did”? I don’t remember his reasons, I just remember apologizing a lot and changing my story that I didn’t see anything. I was scared of him.

There was one time my dad wanted to take me to a Nascar race. I wanted his approval and his excitement was infectious, so I went. I was maybe 12 or 13. It was at Daytona Beach a few hours away. While we were driving, my dad started head-bobbing at the wheel, his eyes barely open, and the car was swerving. I yelled at him to stop the car and let me out, I was terrified. He managed to park at a gas station, and I got out and ran to a hotel that I could see from the car. I was crying so much... but the employees there were very nice, stuffed me full of donuts and let me use the phone to call my mom so she could come get me. According to my dad, while I was waiting for her to get me (about an hour and a half away or something), the police came and he was taken away in handcuffs. I'm not sure who called them, actually. Either way, on our way home, my mom and I stopped at a hardware store and got a new doorknob so my mom could change the lock. We got home, and my mom started changing the doorknob, and then my dad came in, in full rage mode, slamming the door open and smashing my mom in the head with the knob, and chasing me into my room where he proceeded to yell at me about what a stupid, selfish bitch I was and that he'd never been more humiliated in his entire life. He swore up and down he wasn't drunk though and they let him go?? The details aren't clear.

For a while my parents separated and after promising he wouldn’t drink anymore, and because I guess I was spending too much time on the internet after school and had other behavioral issues (jesus I wonder fucking why, maybe cause I was traumatized and couldn’t stand being around my parents? Who knows), my dad moved back in and began to drink again. My mother made excuses for him, and blamed me if I was upset because of my dad’s behavior, telling me not to let him rule my emotions.

There are times I remember seeing my drunk dad piss in the sink, walk around with his junk hanging out, stuff food in his face while standing at the fridge and making the most disgusting noises. He called me names while he was drunk, told me I was stupid and worthless. Drunk Dad was something I dealt with every night all through middle and high school, and two years after.

It wasn’t all bad though. Even though there were a lot of things my mom did that I felt were controlling, privacy-breaking or unfair, she made my birthdays awesome, throwing me big parties with some friends I’d made from school. My mom is good at making holidays and birthdays feel really special. She’s also good at being really nice sometimes and absolutely awful other times, but that’s a story for another day.

So we’ve made it, in a very convoluted and weird way, to my high school years, which I’ll get into in the next post. Thank you for reading my weirdness!

#personal #my story

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feynites · 8 years ago

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Moar baby Uthvir and Ana! Muppet AU shenanigans. <3

Ana’s home is really small. But Uthvir likes it.

The first time they go over, their mother goes with them to meet Uncle Varvin. Glory comes, too, and Uthvir is a little nervous because they don’t know if Ana and Glory have met yet. But Ana just asks Uthvir if they want to come look at her stash of neat rocks, while the grown-ups talk and Glory complains about missing their cartoons.

Ana’s really good at finding rocks. And shells. She shows Uthvir a shell she found that’s shaped like an ear, all pointy at the tip and round at the bottom, and a rock that’s got blue flecks in it, and a fossil. Uthvir thinks it would be really cool if it was a dragon fossil, but Ana tells them that it was some kind of fish.

It’s still pretty neat, though.

Uthvir’s mother calls for them before long, and cuts the playdate a little short. They ask if they can sleep over, and Uncle Varvin says they’d be welcome to, but their mother just tells them that she’ll think about it. And usually that means ‘no’.

“Your friend is poor,” Glory tells them.

“Glory,” their mother scolds, like they just said a bad thing. “Don’t be rude, sweetheart.”

“I wasn’,” Glory insists, with a frown. “It’s just like on television. Squish says most elves are poor.”

Their mother sighs.

“Well, yes, but we don’t bring it up,” she says.

Uthvir thinks about that. Their father is poor, they know. Or. Well. Their mother is always calling him penniless and stuff, and he’s always trying to get money, so they guess that fits. And they don’t talk about their father very much, either. They feel a pang of worry, as they wonder if this means their mother will tell them not to spend time with Ana anymore.

They had to stop spending time with their father, too.

But their mother said that was because he was being a bad influence. Uthvir doesn’t think Ana and Uncle Varvin are bad influences. Ana’s really fun, and Uncle Varvin’s always nice, and never asks Uthvir to help grift anybody. They don’t think Uncle Varvin even knows how to grift, he even asked Uthvir to hold his wallet one time while he re-tied Ana’s footwraps.

When they get home, Glory goes down the street to watch cartoons with Squish, and Uthvir goes up to their mother while she sets up her laptop at the dining table.

“Mamae?” they ask.

“Mmhmm?” she replies, a little absently.

“Do you think I could have a sleepover at Ana’s house sometime?”

Their mother looks at them, and purses her lips a little bit. Uthvir shifts, and tries not to fidget. Fidgeting’s a tell.

“I don’t know… maybe Ana could come here instead?” she suggests. “At least at first. I have to think about it, that’s… they seem like very nice people, Uthvir, but it’s not safe to be in neighbourhoods like that. They live in the alienage.”

She offers them a smile, and pats their head, and then goes back to her laptop. She has her Work Face on, then, so Uthvir knows they should probably stop bothering her. They let out a breath, and go to take their bag up to their room instead. Frowning as they clamber up the steps like a lizard, and the keychain on their bag makes jingle-jangle noises.

If it’s not safe to be in the alienage, then does that mean that Ana and Uncle Varvin are in danger?

But why would they live someplace dangerous? Although, Uthvir’s heard people saying that lots of elves have to live in the alienages. But they frown, again, because they think they’ve heard those same people saying that it’s because it’s too dangerous not to live in the alienage, where there are lots of other elves around. They think their father talked about it one time, but then again, their father tells a lot of lies. And an inconsistency is usually a lie, so, their mother’s probably right, and it’s probably dangerous. Somebody’s making their friend and her uncle live someplace dangerous.

Uthvir gets into their room, and puts their bag by their desk.

It’s a good room. Their mother’s is the big room, of course, and Glory’s room has the picture window with the nice view, but Uthvir’s got a tree outside of their window. And squirrels live in the tree. And their bed’s really big, and there’s a guest room, and if the alienage is dangerous, maybe Ana and Uncle Varvin could come and stay here instead? Uthvir’s got two pillows, they wouldn’t mind sharing their bed with Ana. She’s pretty small anyway.

They think about it some more, and then figure they’ll ask after dinner. Their mother’s usually in a better mood after she’s eaten, especially when she’s on a diet for a movie. Like now. She’s doing a Big Production, and in two weeks she’s going to be flying off to the film set in southern Ferelden. Usually she hires a nanny to look after them when she has movies during the schoolyear, but Uthvir thinks to themselves that if Uncle Varvin and Ana were staying with them, then Uncle Varvin could look after them.

That’s probably the clever way to say it. They can hear their father’s voice in their head, asking plainly for things lets people know you want them, Uthvir, and when people know what you want, then they know it’s worth a lot to you. Then they’ll gouge you for it, every time. Remember the dinosaur puzzle?

Uthvir does remember the dinosaur puzzle. They’d wanted that puzzle so badly. It was 3D, and it looked like a tyrannosaurus skeleton, and it was three feet tall. Their mother said it would make too much mess and take up too much space, and that they’d get bored with it soon anyway and the she wasn’t going to spend two-hundred dollars on a puzzle. So Uthvir had told their father.

Well, Uthvir, if you want something that costs money, then what you need is a little income, he had replied. Uthvir’s father knows lots of ways to get money. He’d told Uthvir that they could be partners, and earn enough to buy the dinosaur puzzle, just so long as Uthvir did everything he said. And it had been a lot of hard work, and Uthvir had to stand at a lot of bus stops and ask people for bus fare, and learn to pick pockets, and their father said they couldn’t wear a coat because they were acting, like their mother did. But there were no film crews or make-up people or fold-out chairs, and in the end Uthvir got sick and their father never gave them any money or the puzzle.

That’s the lesson, Uthvir. Always make sure you get your cut, and never trust anybody. It’s my job to teach you these things.

They sigh, and know they should probably be doing their homework. But they want a snack instead, so they go back downstairs and get some orange slices out of the fridge, and eat them in front of the television until the click-clack of their mother sending e-mails stops, and she comes and asks them if they’d done their math yet. Uthvir gestures at their very healthy and reasonable snack, but their mother just tells them to take it upstairs with them and get started.

Glory comes back before dinner time, of course, and ruffles Uthvir’s hair and calls them squirt, like they’re a bunch of years older and not just two, so Uthvir sticks their tongue out at them. Their mother asks what they want for dinner.

“Noodles!” Uthvir declares.

“Pizza!” Glory counters.

“Who picked last time?” their mother asks. Neither of them really remember, but after a while Uthvir relents, and they end up getting pizza. They get to pick their toppings, anyway, although their mother won’t let them get the extra spicy peppers. Glory gets mushrooms, which are okay in stir fry but on pizza they just turn into slugs, and Uthvir picks theirs off and they get into an argument about it, and they nearly forget about their plan.

But they remember, when their mother’s taking away their plate.

“Mamae?” they say. “I was thinking. You remember last month when you had to go to the studio in Minrathous and Glory and I stayed with Squish’s family?”

“Yeah,” she replies, raising an eyebrow.

Uthvir catches themselves fiddling with their napkin, and stops.

“Do you know who’s gonna be looking after us when you go to the set?” they ask.

Their mother sighs.

“Whatever you’re thinking, Uthvir, just tell me,” she instructs them, in that tone of voice she tends to get whenever Uthvir’s reminding her of their father. Being sneaky. Their mother and Glory are ‘honest types’. Sometimes brutally honest, in Glory’s case.

“I was wondering if maybe Ana’s Uncle Varvin and her could stay here,” they suggest. “Uncle Varvin’s really nice, and Ana’s lots of fun, and if they stayed here then they wouldn’t be in the alienage and it wouldn’t be dangerous.”

Glory glances over, and looks kind of intrigued.

But their mother sighs again.

“Uthvir, we barely know these people,” she says. “I’m not going to let a stranger watch you.”

“They’re not strangers,” Uthvir insists. “Ana and I are friends, and her Uncle Varvin comes and picks her up every day after school. Sometimes he brings crackers, and he sits with me an’ Glory until you come, too.”

“Uthvir, I am sorry I cannot be there as soon as school lets out, okay, but it’s not because I don’t want to be, and just because this Uncle Varvin is friendly and apparently has a lot of free time doesn’t mean he’s a good person. You have to watch it with these… with…”

Their mother looks at them, and then sighs for the third time.

That’s a lot of sighs.

Uthvir doesn’t think this conversation is going the way they hoped it would.

“…We just don’t know them well enough,” she concludes.

“Maybe we could have them over for dinner?” Uthvir suggests.

“I… Uthvir…”

“Ana’s the first person at school who’s wanted to be friends with me,” they admit. With them. Not them and Glory. Just Uthvir, on their own, because they sit together and share pencils and talk about neat bugs and play on the playground at recess.

Their mother looks at them, and trails off. She puts her hand to her forehead, and sucks in a deep breath.

“I’ll think about it,” she decides. “Did you finish your homework?”

“Yup,” they declare. “We can chat! Did you know Ana’s Uncle Varvin works two jobs? I bet that makes him really talented, don’t you think? And he’s handsome, and that’s a good thing too, right?”

Their mother runs her hand down her face.

“I said I’d think about it, and I will,” she tells them, firmly. “If your homework’s done, then you can watch some television.”

They know a dismissal when they hear it, and it’s probably better not to be a nuisance, so Uthvir nods and slides down off of the dining room chair. Glory helps them find a movie, and Uthvir tries to figure out a way to make their mom think about Uncle Varvin and Ana in a good, ‘we should have these people over for dinner’ sense, but they come up mostly blank.

They hope this doesn’t end up like that time they tried to get a pet lizard.

Or like the dinosaur puzzle.

Or the remote controlled dragon glider.

…Uthvir’s not very good at getting what they want, really. And the more they want something, the worse it tends to go.

But still.

Maybe this time it will work out.

#filled prompt #muppet au

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Vol. 13

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- "Studs":

*Personality matters little to these early 1990s bimbos on this dating game show

*They want a guy with a "wild side" (code for douchebag)

*One of their potential hunks is wearing dress shirt, tie, and shorts. 90s ensemble

*The women can't decide if the second hunk is a beefcake or a 6 foot tall bowling pin

*The guy in shorts is called a mix between John Wayne and a mime. John Wayne is nothing like a mime. Stoic, maybe. John Wayne would punch out a mime, if ever bothered by one.

*Shorts hunk dissed his date because he saw his hero Bobby Brown in an elevator

*Not much else to say about these bland dates between California girls and Midwest boys

close to 2 stars

----------------

--- Tori Amos on MTV's Loveline:

*After the bummer of hearing about Tori's abuse hotline, we have a Gen X'er call in tot alk about how his girlfriend accidentally ripped out his penis piercing and he's afraid to go to the doctor

*A guy, with his back to the camera while wearing an airbrush painted t-shirt that reads: "Boo Hoo!", has a problem with his girlfriend not wanting to look at him during oral sex. I can't see his face, but I don't even want to look at him, period.

*A guy, w/ a butt-cut hairstyle and a flannel shirt, is down cause his first love "dogged" him and broke his heart after taking his cherry. Now, he can't score with new chicks.

*Tori calls him a pussy. Not really, but, basically.

*We get a pierced nipples question via 90s internet video live feed

*A guy calls in with a weird obsession about bear feet. Oh, bare feet. Well, that's not too weird. Many weirdos have that.

*Tori thinks he should work at a shoe shop. It didn't work for Al Bundy. He hates women and their feet.

*Talk about how having kids is a cockblock to getting dates

*The set for LoveLine is very 90s with a coffee shop lounge feel and couches along with a big screen that's multiple screens attached together.

*Tori doesn't want her lover thinking about the girls on "Friends" while she's making love to them.

*Tori reminds me of a psycho chick who'd try to sacrifice a dove, for some weird symbolic reason, while she was in the throes of passion.

*A girl had two affairs. One of them with an "indivijiBILL" (what it sounded like she said). Now she don't know who da baby daddy. Call Maury, in a few years, he do dem dna baby daddy tests.

*LoveLine has a cappuccino bar on the set. It's for people who are ashamed of looking at another person when talking about sex. A sort of hipster confession booth.

*One guy is nervous about his girlfriend dressing up like Wonder Woman during sex

2 stars

----------------------

--- TV CARNAGE:

*Great Acting Is Great Acting, Especially With Titties: Do you wanna see my horribly disfigured chest or not?* 2 stars

*How To Commit Social Suicide: "Be expressive and let it rip." Air piano. Not flatulence.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

*Microwave Brain: Hasselhoff stresses over poodle poo.* 1 star

*Mighty Fine Man: It's a lust thang.* close to 2 stars

*Shoplifting Is Fun!: Johnny 5's cousin robot is a hood.* close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------

"Dance Party USA, 1980s NEW WAVE DANCING AND HAIR!" *In the 80s, cool kids did weird things like wear their shoes on their hands.* 2 1/2 stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Boy vs. Gasoline Volcano *The re-enactments on Rescue 911 & Unsolved Mysteries are perfect time capsules for thelate 1980s & early 1990s.* 2 1/2 stars

A Haunting: Phantom Room *"Instead of holy water, highly flammable liquid is used, and if it ignites, it's a sign that a spirit is present." Gee, I wonder if it will ignite... A junkie overdose is angry and needs to be evicted from a suburban garage. Destination America is supposed to be a postcard network for American life, I'm thinking. America, where ordinary life happenings can psych a family out so much their lives begin falling apart and they blame the results on the supernatural.* 2 stars

USA Saturday Nightmares: The Dummy (1982) *Ventriloquist dolls are creepy, but it's hard to consider them actually scary. That is unless they're sliding butcher knives underneath the bedroom door. This comes from an era of really good & inventive horror shorts.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: episode 2 (1985) *Surgeons remove two toes, from the feet of a Chinese man, fitting them as a makeshift pincer in place of a missing hand. Believe that.* 2 1/2 stars

"Wild Man of Navidad" (2007) *No country for old bigfoot. Some might see the wild man itself as undercooked, but the greasy hicksploitation sticks to the ribs better'n chicken fried steak & gravy.* close to 3 stars

X Files: Roland *From beyond a cryo-frozen genius controls his autistic twin to complete his groundbreaking scientific work.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Politically Correct Portraits: or "wrong side first" photos.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Bank Customers - Take A Running Jump: "If they told you to jump off a bridge" they being Bank of America and you being British or George Reeves Superman* 1 1/2 stars

*Pauly Shore Screws Up Another Vacation: MTV's The Weasel turns a pleasure cruise into a slave-ship passage for Laura Winslow & the mom from Family Matters.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Radio Shack Prayer Is Evil: For a decade or more it's been against their religion to have any customers and they also have a do not resuscitate order upon going out of business.* 2 1/2 stars

*Yard Sale Competitor: it's a cut throat business using a $5 "as is" weed-whacker.* 3 stars

---------------

--- USA Cartoon Express, Revisited:

*The Real Ghostbusters - Citizen Ghost: I forgot that the voice of Peter Venkman, on Ghostbusters, is likely the voice of Garfield on his cartoon. Which is funny because the live action characters are voiced by the same guy, too, as we all know.

*Commercial for Crocodile Mile slip n' slide.

*Old foggies stink in an Andy Warhold art style BubbleTape commercial. Those were great.

*In a cyberpunk future tween boys battle it out with a b.b. ammo board game shooter called "Crossfire." I remember plenty of show & tell days where Crossfire was the shit.

*I like the little march the Ghostbusters do during their ticker tape parade

*Kids can't cut loose in the supermarket or the museum, but they can in this Discovery Zone kids play park commercial. Soulless corporate slime-pit, McDonald's has replaced most of these. Now, miserable single moms take their poor brats there and change their dirty diapers on the same tables kids eat their McNuggets on. Fuck society and industry.

*Get a Bart Simpson squeek toy at Burger King

*Rappin' Lego-Maniac ad

*Mouse Trap, from Milton Bradley, where a cartoon alley cat shows up to present kids with one of the most contraption filled board games ever

*An awesome ad where Jesse the body Ventura sells WWF action figures. I wish grown men were still allowed to play with action figures

*Cadillacs & Dinosaurs - Rogue: I forgot about this well animated show with some adult sensibilities that also combines two really cool things. those being the title of the show.

*Cartoon Express where Mr. T. hangs out with the Grape Ape and Pac Man

*"Your gym teacher irons his underwear" adults are weird, chew BubbleTape

*Garfield fruit snacks. You could sell anything with a cartoon spokesman and kids who pitch a fit to their parents in the grocery store if they can't have it, once they see it.

*Shout & Shoot 2 water gun helmet. Voice activated water fights. I'm sure it didn't tear up after the first day. Water and electronics go together so well... I remember when having water fights, in the backyard, seemed so important that toy companies had to keep up with the arms race we kids were racing towards.

*Barney has built a fake time machine from the year 2000 and almost tricks Fred out of his Coco Pebbles. I preferred Fruity.

*One thing missing from watching these cartoons is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, or Cap'n Crunch beside me on the living room floor.

*Marvel's X-Men, for the Sega Genesis, "Welcome to the Next Level."

*If kids ruled the world they'd play b'ball like Michael Jordan, their big brothers would suck up to them, they'd get a billion dollars & have a sports agent, and they'd always eat at McDonalds. "Duh!"

*"In A Minute" USA Network 1989 presents kids trying out tongue twisters like "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..." I'm unlocking weird memories of things that I had forgotten like this cute little animated station break from USA that's somewhere in the long lost toy chest recess of my sad adult brain.

*Teenage Mutant Turtles - Enter the Rat King: If April O'Neil were real she would try to further her news career by exposing the Turtles to the world.

*Take a chill pill or stick anchioves in your ears, kids, instead of doing drugs. Partnership for a Drug Free America and stick figure drawn kids.

*2XL battery operated, cassette controlled "intelligent" 80s style robot from Tiger toy electronics. He makes Teddy Rupskin look like Neil Degrasse Tyson (whatever his name is)

*A kid with a bald spot and a beard is tired of stuffy adult dining places and demands to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese

*Dance Party USA, the weekday dance party on "America's favorite network, USA."

*The Dark Knight collection. A kid has every Batman gadget a kid could ask for and his own personal Batcave. I would have killed to have my own personal Batcave when I was 8

*"Tetris & batteries included" Gameboy. Cool teens hanging out in shop class, on the basketball court, everwhere playing their handheld Nintendo "Power to go."

*Captain N, The Game Master - Metroid Sweet Metroid: N, The Game Master is a character from Nintendo's past that they'd like to forget and not celebrate. Same with Lou Albano's version of Mario and the more goofy, talking version of Link from cartoons & CDi games.

*King Hippo's nipples, Eggplant's head, and Mother Brain's lips are all very obscene looking.

*Beetlejuice action figures. Those were some of the better, more weird toys.

*Call a 1 800 number to get a 60 minute vhs tape of Bigfoot monster truck action.

*Crest "Sparklemania" obviously is putting drugs in the toothpaste, because kids are freaking out and taking magical trips through the night sky with animated globs of Crest gel.

*'Milk does a body good' ad. You know the one where the kid grows up to be buff because he or she drank milk. I wonder if they show similar ones to young cows. "Yo, I'm a calf and I'm taking govt. provided hormones so that I can grow up to be a great-big dairy cow!" That was sort of a lame joke. Almost Carlos Mencia bad.

*The Cartoon Express travels away off into the distance to Bruce Springsteen's house. No, kidding. They kept mentioning that that's where it was heading.

3 stars for the Saturday Morning cartoons, 3 stars for the retro ads, and 3 stars for USA network's Cartoon Express bumpers

-----------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: Fire Man *Everyone's favorite marinara, on the show, Michael Pare, gets put put on a hot stove for a bum wrap. The main thing that doesn't hold up, about this episode, is the very dated fire special fx.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Arizona *Painted desert highways with a pistol & a singing Billy bass GPS by Gerhard's side.* 2 stars

--- Commander USA's Groovie Movies: Man with the Synthetic Brain

*From beneath a shopping mall in New Jersey, Commander USA. HA! Great location for a hero lair in the 1980s.

*The commander comes out in a trench coat, with his costume underneath. I like it. It's a sleazy way for a hero to dress. He's always smoking a cigar, too. Nice man's man touch.

*He's talking about those hopeful, yet melancholy days after the New Year is rung in. He explains how Auld Lang Syne means 'old long since' in Irish or old English.

*After the commander uses his kazoo to open up the psychotronic movie screen, we get to our flick

*This one stars an old school horror icon, John Carradine, & a Mickey Mouse Club teen from Swiss Family Robinson

*And the groovie movie is photographed in "Chill-O-Rama"

*I know the movie will ultimately be supbar, but I still get good feelings & goose pimple giddy, with nostalgia, watching these old basic cable & UHF B movie features

*A zombie(?) chokes out a hooker(?) & her pusher(?) in an alley. Her death face was so overacted & funny to look at.

*Mickey Mouse Club guy is the detective on the case of the zombie murders. He has gotten worse, actually, as an actor since his days riding ostriches & fighting pirates on tropical islands in Swiss Family Robinson.

*He's also a part of the Danny Bonaduche class of child actors who didn't age well. He looks like he's been through hell. This is the early to mid 70s & his Disney days were just in the 60s, maybe late 50s, I'm thinking. Wow.

*There's a cryptic letter & a head in a box (a killed detective's). I'm guessing this killer is a pre-cursor to the Zodiac & Kevin Spacey in SEVEN.

*"Get your hot roasted peanuts" as a candy striped apron wearing salesman proclaims on an early 20th century hazy memory of beach life on an eastern seaboard boardwalk in a Planters honey roasted peanuts ad.

*The coo coo bird builds a time machine to steal the kids CoCo Puffs. This is the second time machine related cereal theft by cartoon spokesman commercial that I've seen in 24 hrs

*Lee Press On Nails. In 18 colors. Don't nails just make life more difficult? Even if I were a crossdresser, I wouldn't wear nails.

*An 80s mallrat girl thinks her mom was wrong about her big earrings, but mom was right about something (nervous energy) StayFree Maxi Pads for those heavy flow days. Thanks, mom. Now, stop coming in to my room to stare at my Kip Winger poster. He's my man, bitch!

*"Exorcism at Midnight" on USA Saturday Nightmares (looks awesome) & ugly as a man Sandra Bernhardt on Alfred Hitchcock Presents (would still watch it).

*There's nothing to look forward to watching on Saturday night, anymore. Svengoolie, maybe, but he plays the same tame Universal horror & Hammer horror movies that we've all seen way too many times. His act is stale too, but he's likeable, I guess, if you're a babyboom viewer.

*Sophia Loren, her story, on the Nabisco family theater Sunday afternoon on USA. No thanks. I'd leave that to the early birds. I'd still be sleeping off my USA Saturday Nightmares.

*John Carradine is a doctor under suspicion because one patient that he was the coroner over, years earlier & called one of the first casualties of Vietnam, is up & walking around again, out there, killing. It's obvious that Carradine is a mad doctor, because he has a bubbling test tube, for odd unexplained reasons, but the detective hasn't seen enough low grade sci fi & horror to know this is an ominous sign.

*Why did action or fight scenes in the 60s/70s think that karate chops to the neck were believable knock out blows? It'd be more annoying than anything. Painful, sure, but not enough to put a man down. They just look so funny.

*Gloriously unselfaware Twix commercial with a street of kids breaking into a marching band parade over Twix. Much better than the Right Twix vs. Left Twix candy factory ads of today Too self aware like most modern ad companies. It makes the product even more unlikeable

*Square 80s ladies have a roundtable discussion about "So Fine" conditioning mist

*The effects designs, on the movie, are so low budget. The Frankenstein electric chair is made of chords attached to a silver construction worker's helmet.

*Commander USA pokes fun at the mad science hat contraption during his segment.

*Computer graphics medieval dystopia commercial ends with the freedom of the mind that is an exploding volcano & the Scientology best seller ‘Dianetics.’

*Shades wearing Bears QB, McMahon, thinks he's cool, but he's a crybaby when his hoagie doesn't have Miracle Whip mayo. A janitor hears his cries and throws a hail mary of mayo.

*Fergie, Letterman, Tom Cruise, Vanna White, Dr. Seuss, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. They're all the most interesting people of 1986 according to People Magazine. Such a more innocent time. Don't forget Crocodile Dundee, he was fascinating to 80s yuppies as well. Not a joke. He's also on the cover.

*The 80s had this hazy, maudlin, feel good vibe to even Dimetapp & Metamucil ads.

*Just a sleazy undead crook strangling slutty women in seedy hotels kinda Saturday afternoon movie for the kids, you know.

*Cheerios helps a white knight save a princess from a black knight in a musical ad. Uplifting. Cheerios ads are so depressing now & always about a middle age guy's health & cholesterol.

*Nothing says Mexican like white people singing about & eating Mexican Velveeta cheese.

*’Airwolf’ is high tech & kicks butt. this was already a popular rerun show here in the mid 80s.

*An overtanned blonde bimbo shows up from France saying she heard her father speak to her telepathically while she was in a voodoo sleep trance. Her father was John Carradine & he was just murdered by a zombie. She tells this to Mickey Mouse detective while he over-acts.

*Ah, there's another mad scientist who looks like a dimestore Vincent Price. I guess they couldn't get Vincent for the flick. He's the real villain.

*Commander USA noticed the bimbo & the zombie too.

*"It's hard to hide the kid inside." Talkin' 'bout Santa & his love for oreo cookies

*The honey nut Cheerios bee almost gets murdered by cowboy Black Bart. Just wait, Bee, soon with pesticides we'll make ye extinct.

*A kid pulls home a box of Tide detergent, for mom, through a picturesque 80s suburb. More of that 80s is just like the 50s, according to tv & advertising, theme of the 80s.

*70s thought that frantically playing a pipe organ & bongos meant great suspense music. It didn't & doesn't.

*Wacky 80s robots run on ENERGIZER "It Doo Run Run Run"

*This film can't make up its mind if it wants to be a detective tale, a zombie creeper, a serial killer slasher, a mad science flick, a voodoo or telepathy thriller, a heist / crime picture, or a hostages on the road movie.*

*Commander predicts, via crystal ball, that the Red Sox will almost win the 87 world series and that Vanna White will be nominated to the Supreme Court.

*Commander had his hand pal, Lefty, rammed down his tights during the most tense scene of the movie. A snowy chase through the mountains with killer in hot pursuit.

*Carefree panty liners for a fresher zebra striped bikini

*An aged Lorne Greene talks about Ron Reagan's cutbacks to medicare & how they're costing the sick & poor elderly thousands of dollars.

*Timelapse female zombie transformation with horrid makeup, but forgivable during the finale in the mad science lab.

*Her zombie voice is laughable & terrible. Why is she even talking? zombies don't talk, well, trioxin or Return of the Living Dead ones do, but whatever, Braiiiins... She doesn't say that, but I guess she had to act. Vanity, maybe. Idiotic script, more likely.

*We end with zombie lady crying & taking an antidote while zombie henchman dies licking goo off the floor. Mickey Mouse detective was too late to make any kind of difference.

*Commander USA closes things out by teasing Mickey Mouse cop about his poor acting.

close to 2 stars for the movie, close to 2 1/2 stars for the ads, & more than 2 1/2 stars for the commander

-------------------

Look Around You: Sport *Thank you for showing us your balls. Now try to get it in the hole.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Wheels of Fire *Crooked, corporate Bryan Cranston character. A revolutionary Tesla type battery with a deadly bidding war going on for it. A reclusive Howard Hughes industrialist/inventor. Long lost prototype Batmobile style car colored fire engine red. A creepy Albino hitman.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Manimal: Breath of the Dragon *Martial arts began by studying animals. Ancient man popped a National Geographic tape into his VCR to do so.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Robocop the series: Ghosts of War *A ragtag group of Universal Soldiers seek vengeance against an evil general who now works for O.C.P. They include a hobo wolfman, a black G.I. Joe (friend from Murphy's childhood), an Asian Joan of Arc, a Indian computer-wiz who dresses like Rick Moranis in Spaceballs. The show tries to force Punky Brewster into scenes, again. She's annoying & unnecessary.* 2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Enhance Your Memory With Murderous Bloodlust: American Psycho Patrick Bateman has a poor poker face.* 3 stars

*Going For It!: Commies skateboard. So, like you want them to be more free than you, brah!? Didn't think so, dude.* close to 2 stars

*So You Moved To Paducah...: Only thing to do here is to visit the Quilters Society of America museum again & again & again.* 3 stars

*Rush Limbaugh Sure Is Funny: Comedy night at Jabba the Hutt's palace.* 1 star

*The Lil' Singing Demon Baby!: The spawn of Lucifer is a little boy version of Shirley Temple. Of course he would arrive on earth in Branson, Missouri.* 3 stars

-------------------------

Cannon group presents America 3000 (1986) *The one thing Road Warrior needed was Wonder Years style narration. I think the members of No Ma'am (Al Bundy's woman hating group) saw this movie instead of Mad Max: Fury Road. That's why they were so upset. Much more reverse sexism here.* 3 thousand stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Softball Hit *A little girl gets a head injury, has a seizure, then precious seconds tick away in the era before cell phones because I guess there were no payphones on this little league sports field. Youth sports injuries weren't taken as serious in this era either. It was the whole "Walk it off" time period. So maybe that's why 911 wasn't called sooner.* 2 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Death Of Strength: Guillotine of greatness, in a garage, captured on camcorder.* 1 star

*See The Macaroni: String theory or unsatisfactory service.* 2 stars

*The Ballad Of Tony Jones: "Mommy, what does doomed mean?" It means what happens when you destroy your white trash girlfriend's ceiling after sitting your fat ass in her sex swing.* 3 stars

*Piglet: You reap what you sow (noun).* close to 3 stars

*Just Do It Adult Diaper: Is that a swoosh on your bottom or do you need changing?* close to 2 stars

----------------------

--- MTV's Oddville (1997?)

*MTV had to Gen-x up Beyond Vaudeville, from its public access days, & put a pretty co-host with Frank to take the attention away from his weird, silent (often violent) sidekick.

*Nancy Giles is a nice lady, but not the most interesting guest. She's like PBS news hosts. Respectable, but not entertaining. She thinks talking about how weird the sidekick is & being a fan of Howard Stern will get her over. She does an imitation of a cat choking on a hairball. That's odd enough, I guess.

*Mr. Stanless Steel is a meathead who lifts 600lbs slightly off the ground using only one finger. Impressive, yet also idiotic.

*"Mind over matter," he says as he squeezes an unopen can to smithereens. Mind, remember, not steroids. He rocks about the floor trying to look intimidating & deep.

*Very confusing Levis jeans commercial. It starts off with a cowboy hat wearing Gen X hip dude driving the desert listening to yodeling from Mars Attacks & Slim Whitman. He stops at a local western watering hole where a hipster black dude is a turntables mixing dj. He passes him a stuffed dinosaur before the black dude gets on a greyhound leaving town. Bus stops in the big city, but a new girl gets off holding the dino. A European model looks at her as she walks on. The model is ordering a hotdog from a vendor. What any of that had to do with jeans, other than the close ups of asses, is beyond me.

*Self aware commercial whore Dennis Miller is on a fake talk show ad interviewing the cgi M&Ms. Miller lost all his Hollywood street cred when he started hangin’ out on Fox News. He doesn’t give a shit about being a shitlib so he lost his Hollywood friends.

*Epic cgi ad for the Playstation classic Final Fantasy 7.

*Phil Hartman isn't murdered yet in this college class lecture ad about collect calls.

*The clerk at Footlocker is having a hard time believing that Joe Namath is making an NFL comeback in a nike ad

*It's Virtual Insanity, the music video, when Chris Rock hosts the Video Music Awards

*I think it was the one where Puff Daddy teamed with Sting to make an annoying, overplayed song even worse.

*"The world's fastest painter" comes out & does a Bob Ross quickie while rambling in a Polish accent.

*A black guy in black & yellow stripes, including his Dr. Seuss Hat, comes out to pop & lock dance to Salt & Pepa's "Push It"

*Igia hair removal system ad where the device damages your skin cells, but it's cool 'cause no more chin whiskers for mom

*Technology... multimedia... CD-Rom software games... "You need Art Institute."

*Not Carl Winslow, but close, says "Open a box. Any box." Make it a Blockbuster Night

*"Talk to the hand." quote & hand motion from slumming it actor Timothy Dalton in a movie with Fran Drescher. The days where the general public had to endure her are long gone. Not counting easily avoided reruns of The Nanny

*On an snowy special ops mission (I'm sure those happen often) "Be all that you can be" (including maimed or killed) in the Army (after that, who knows? possibly a homeless vet)

*"What is Mtn. Dew?" from this ad, I take it has something to do with a green drink that makes you scream hysterically while performing idiotic x-treme sports

*A small woman, with a shaved head, comes out doing yoga to industrial techno. Followed by very late & nervous applause.

*A little girl comes out blowing up a balloon using only her nose.

*A generic alternative rock band, like the countless others on MTV at the time, comes out to perform. They don't hold a candle to any of the weird musical acts from the Beyond Vaudeville days.

*Guests are having a dance party. This show is as edgy, or as interesting for that matter, as Snick's "All That" of the same time period. Lame, as Gen-X would say.

*Well, MTV took a quirky public access show & stripped all the life out of it to make it another corporate product.

1 star for the Odd, 1 1/2 stars for most of the ads (thanks to M&M's & Miller), between 1 1/2 & 2 stars for the guests

----------------------

"The Summer of Rave 1989" BBC *In Margaret Thatcher's England, a new era of hippies & yuppies collide.*

3 stars

"Lost Purity" (video mixtape) *Adjust the tracking on your squeam.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Life Is For Living: Safety first or kiss leisure goodbye.* 3 stars

*Michael Finney's Spencer Gifts Speech: Hack comedy & gag novelty.* close to 3 stars

*Silent Partners - Shoplifting: If you see somebody walk into your store, become overly suspicious.* 2 1/2 stars

*VCR Games: Make haste & pray constantly that you don't have a Klingon overlord or be forced to endure Rich Little's awful family fun night comedy.* 3 stars

*Uh-Huh!: Either the Kenny Loggins or the Ray Stevens of polite Christian pop comedy & a fan of wearing tan leotards while juggling foam balls.* 3 stars

------------------------

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Accidental Hanging *Darwin Awards & wasting time dialing for help. Or hero boy with a hatchet.*

2 stars

A Haunting: Echoes of the Past *A New England family move into a historic Civil War era home. Soon they are bothered by faeries claiming to live in under a tree in the backyard who also claim to have died in a fire. The family are aided by a team of pretentious Wiccans in sending all the home's spirits to a magical place in the west called the "Summer Lands."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Quebec, Canada *"Beaver fever, catch it." "Be patient." "My God, it's magnificent." (A platypus.)* 3 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Ep. 11 *Doctors without borders & tuned into a different frequency.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Hidden Memory *Espionage & clouded minds in a Nazi style experimentation lab. Followed by a Caesarean--section for a baby battleship. Farewell to a sweet-lipped deus ex machina (sorta deus...)* close to 3 stars

Forever Knight: False Witness *Sleazier than a white lie.* 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller - Bullshit!: Ghostbusters *Begin by having come to a conclusion that ghosts exists no matter what you find to prove different, soak the scene with sepia or nightvision, get out the pseudo scientific gear & have it activated with its nonsensical readings of supposed supernatural phenomena, & the bullshit has long since already began.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd on Black Friday *Great deals is gravy.* close to 3 stars

Classic Comedy Central: The Buttafuoco Song *I really really wish I never heard of...* either 1 star for Joey or 3 for Comedy Central

WCW Superstars on Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher (1999?) *A lot of aggression taken out in a discussion forum.* either 1 star or close to 2 stars

VH1 Classic Pop Up Video: Alanis Morissette - "You Learn" *The video took 23 hours to film in 10 degree weather. The video is 4 minutes long. Her hair (dreadlocks) took 5 hours to style. A number of jacket changes were used by Alanis in the video. The theme: who knows if any of us get any wiser during the average lifetime.* 2 1/2 stars w/ pop ups 2 stars w/out (I forgot how much I like her voice, pretty face & lyrics & easy to digest, for the most part, music. Mood & opinion on her music are subject to change. I have, in the past, wanted to poke my eyeballs & eardrums out when her "Ironic" video came on MTV for the 1000th time.)

Public Access TV: "Robin's Safe Sex Lesson - Dental Dam Use" *The setting is the height of the AIDS epidemic. Sexually active folk are still confused to the spread of disease & the practice of safe sex. A sex worker, possibly, has her ownlocal city tv show to inform them how to snip an ordinary condom into use for performing oral sex on a female so as to not spread infectious diseases. She almost is a trainwreck but not enough for any legit comedy, only curiosity.* 2 stars (3 for the info for the time)

"Sam Kinison - Family Entertainment Hour" *This might be comedy blasphemy, but Larry the Cable Guy is as popular as Sam Kinison was. Both have a similar rowdiness & offensiveness in the connect with their audience. Larry, however, has neither a spine nor a soul.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Literal Videos: Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All *"I don't want to seem them naked." I don't want to hear their soft rock.* 2 1/2 stars literal or 1 star actual

---- SCTV - Midnight Special:

*An all white (never seen before) scat singing choir conducted by Eugene Levy To see them live in concert, "Phone your nearest Republican." HA!

*Rick Moranis impersonates a cranky David Brinkley editorial.

*David Thomas & Catherine O'Hara are phone commercial lawyers (& possibly married lawyers) not helping an arguing married couple out very much in their disputes.

*Rick Moranis impersonates a radio dj becoming a video vj in this transitional time period between radio music & video music outlets.

*Followed by a Talking Heads video "Once in a Lifetime"

*A very politically incorrect (when you still could be before the p.c. police) & somewhat funny live feed from a Japanese parody vj

*Followed by a cool music video by hip & quirky Japanese band The Plastics. So, that does in a way cancel out the casual racism.

*SCTV starts the tech war between Japan & the U.S. in a funny skit.

*The real enemy, however, is Russian t.v. and Good Day Moscow

*Exploitation a plenty in a fake ad for a late night pajama party t.v. show on SCTV

*John Candy is the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket wearing host of the all girl pajama party Complete with creepy guy climbing in the window using a ladder. ha

*Candy tries to explain the show is empowering to women, but a prudish sexologist hijacks the feed to talk about how it's sexist.

*John Candy is back again, this time as a sportsman in an ammo ad. He sports a beard & hunts ducks. Hmmm... He remains likeable while other bearded duckhunters that I won't mention still remain hateable. Much focus is put on the cleavage of his buxom buddy that he's hunting with. She's female.

*A punk dyke delivery chick brings pizza & starts a catfight which the sexologist reveals is more of Candy's libido problems.

*Thankfully, the "menopausal" femi-nazi is interrupted by a male chauvinist fan of the pajama party.

*It's bedtime & Candy has to toss the old geezer, kicking & screaming, out the window.

*Al's Garage "Anytime At All." He has a naughty pinup calendar & he smokes cigars.

*Feminists have protest signs outside SCTV's studio & chase Candy to his limo

*Poindexter, investigative reporter (played by Eugene Levy) gets up close & a little too personal exploring singles bars.

*Monster Chiller Horror Theater with a howling Count Floyd

*The featured flick is Bloodsucking Monkeys from West Mifland, Pennsylvania

*Wink, wink. There's no movie. But Count promises that it was scary & describes it. It's just as good as Alien, he claims.

*Great White North wants to talk about Nasa's tools & beer, ay.

*SCTV has Hitchcock presents in late night. So, they're like MeTV or AntennaTV on current cable.

*A parody of Kirk Douglas in "Lust for Life" in the SCTV vault classic "Lust for Paint"

*Catherine O'Hara shows off some sexy cleavage & gets offered to be painted nude as she plays a bar beauty of the 19th century. The mom from Home Alone was sexy back in the day.

*Fish Police. An early reality show that's just as absurd as the 90s hit COPS.

*France was filled with great artists in the 19th century & possibly they were all gay according to SCTV

*Harold Raimis cameo as a waiter.

*Rick Moranis sells ridiculous logos.

*John Candy is an angry Babe Ruth in the wrong time period. Candy lost out on the role to Goodman years later. Not really, but really.

*Candy does a decent Hitchcock impersonation as well. Also Curly Howard.

3 stars

------------------------

"Let's Paint TV's Last Cable Access Show" 2008 *A weirdo in a dirty & disheveled business suit runs a treadmill while horribly painting, taking live prank calls, & talking to a Swedish barmaid mixing things up in a blender.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- TV Carnage:

*I Hate My Kids: Brats are birth control. The only time Fox News will ever be pro choice.* 2 stars

*Lurking Danger: The fish land right in the boat & land you right in the hospital. Tonight, in our Lurking Danger special report. This is CNN.* 2 stars

*Making The Grade: Solve my equation, again, & I'll slit your throat.* 2 1/2 stars

*Phonebooth Funnys!: Coed improv in tight spaces. It's not what you think, you pervert.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Reaching For The Light: Orgy of the first class.* 2 stars

-------------

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - K19: Hangar 18 *Having NASA accidentally cause a UFO to crash, in the desert, is "the best thing since sliced computer" only it hurts the UFO denying crooked President's chances for re-election & they'll need a shady coverup.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars w/ riffing & 2 w/out

"Ten Forward Crank Calls" *"Brain cells are sucked into a blackhole" & four letter words fly into the phone lines for a chubby Star Trek fan's Trekkie talk show.* 1 star

Beavis & Butthead: Sausage - Riddles Are Abound Tonight *"The Seminiferous Tube-loidial Buttnoids have left my pants" or "turds can see in the dark, like bats."* 2 1/2 stars w/ riff 2 w/out

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's Deadly Friend (1986):

*Joe Bob says this flick is the Breakfast Club version of Bride of Frankenstein

*Drive-In Totals... 6 dead bodies... 7 gallons blood (some spurting w/ 3 bloody noses)... exploding head.. head disguised as basketball... exploding robot... father charbroiling..gratuitous brain surgery... incest fu...

*Joe Bob wants to get biblical w/ Krisy Swanson but thinks better of it because of Alan Thicke

*You know that you're in for a horror funride when the first on screen creature (robot) attack is against a sleazy redneck

*80s robots were great. This one even sees in Sega CD vision. All pixelated.

*In my opinion, this flick is also like Zapped meets Frankenhooker

*It's a wacky neighborhood when the old bat from Throw Mama from the Train is a shotgun wielding crazy lady living behind a locked fence.

*A robot's first reaction to seeing douchebags on dirtbikes is to vice grip their testicles. Can we unleash robots on Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory?

*The schmaltzy TNT voiceover for drama guy lays the sap on thick for TNT's big network premier for Gilbert Grape.

*Rockapella sing us a Folgers "Best part of wakin' up" mornin' tune. I can't drink the coffee for the vomit in my mouth.

*Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, is taking a stroll through a forest filled with cute animals. Real animals. Snuggles is a nightmare creature created out of industrial chemicals & soulless corporate greed. He's unnatural. An abomination of cuddliness.

*Joe Bob hates cute robots, Star Trek conventions, & Little House on the Prairie.

*The "Stand your ground" law triumphs again & the robot menace is toasted, for now.

*Quirky "life is ugly, you betcha" comedy approaching horror Fargo on TNT is sponsored by SEARS & no irony is seen in that. I don't think, by TNT or SEARS.

*Sprint commercial featuring Fall scenery. This episode of Monstervision is late 90s. The late 90s had a real Autumn vibe to a lot of things. Dawson's Creek, Scream & I Know What You Did Last Summer, Marcy Playground's Sex & Candy, Duncan Sheik, Eagle Eye Cherry, GooGoo Dolls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, "Sunny Came Home," "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," Jewel, Barenaked Ladies, Halloween H20... All of 'em & many more

*Firefighters prefer Yukon sport utility vehicles & the Energizer Bunny outruns a Hummer filled with a reject A-Team. Absurdity & the beginning of America's obsession with big ass family tanks that would dominate the roads post-2000

*Hope Floats on VHS. Turds float too. & the turd that is Hope Floats on VHS is out there floating around at plenty of 50 something year old women yardsales across the the cowboy states of America

*"Mom's like you choose Jiff" & dad's like Bob Villa choose tools from SEARS. Don't not be how corporate America assumes you to be. Buy these creamy peanut dips & wrenches

*Burt Reynolds must have been buddies w/ Ted Turner. Ted sure had his movies played alot on TBS & TNT. Burt was popular. No doubt. Burt even had alot of generic made for TNT movies in the late 90s. I can understand the demand for Smoky & the Bandit & others, but not the made for TNT shit.

*Jack Palance in a western version of A Christmas Carol. Another made for TNT movie. & Lifetime + Hallmark have made me hate made for tv Christmas movies, but how could you not like the idea of a forgotten Jack Palance Christmas flick?

*The parents from Happy Days are slumming in a collect calls commercial.

*Paul Hogan was still an action comedy hero in the late 90s. Only he was doing it in Subaru ads. This one he's in disguise / drag wearing the mask of a woman. Unintentionally creepy.

*Essence of Emeril... Emeril Live... I'll never get the fascination w/ over the top food chefs & their tv shows.

*Grace Jones in an ad for TBS Superstation's 15 nights of Bond movies. I guess she was easy to get being a D-list celebrity & all after the 80s.

*Paul Reiser is in a bookstore explaining internet for new users / dummies using AT&T Worldnet. At least it's not an ad for America Online.

*Joe Bob says TNT censors won't allow exploding heads by basketball decapitation because idiots in Florida will try it & congress will go crazy.

*Hendrix has only one burning desire. Let him stand next to your Pontiac Sunfire. He doesn't really want to do that. He's dead, like Kristy Swanson, in this Monstervision movie. But in this soulless & artsy Pontiac commercial where yuppies are escaping a cityscape dystopia in their Sunfire, listening to Hendrix, he does.

*NFL moms of big, mean linebackers sure are funny. Thanks, Campbell's chunk soups ads for making me endure the meaty veggie soupy sacky mommy comedy.

*There's a "Bob Fest" in Colorado every year, where all Bobs in the world can attend. Bob Dole will be there. Bring your Pentax film camera.

*"Relax, Go Nuts" with Planters & a wacky beaver on a camping trip. I hope some idiot saw this & lost a finger or two trying to feed a Planters peanut to a beaver or a badger.

*"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is on the set of Burt's old guy cop action made for TNT tv movie. He's talking about the need for aspirin on the set, for the old guys, in this sneak peek.

*Joe Bob wants to know why Kristy Swanson is looking more supermodel than zombie

*The shoot first ask questions later cops put an end to cyborg/undead Kristy Swanson's reign of terror.

2 1/2 stars for the confused flick close to 3 for Joe Bob & between 1 1/2 & 2 for TNT & their ads

--------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Penn Jillette promotes Earth Girls Are Easy *He makes it seem like it wouldn't be a waste of an afternoon.* close to 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Cyclone" 1987 *Everyone's favorite genre movie mad scientist, Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), was working on a super-motorcycle more high tech than an F-16 jet. When he's assassinated, on a punk rock dance floor, via a tech conspiracy, his 80s blonde bombshell girlfriend has to take over safeguarding the project from falling into the wrong hands. The whole thing drips with so much 80s goodness, one would swear it was a modern day homage.* close to 3 stars

Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call In Show *"This is not a bodega, honey." There's a correlation between how far someone's head is tilted back as they're talking & the amount of shit that they give. The further back, the less shit given.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars (for a second)

"Amok Assault Video" *"An open keyhole policy" to mass hypnosis & mass halitosis.* close to 3 stars

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Brave Dog vs. Rattlesnake *The dog, Lady, was a terrible actress during the re-enactments. She did well during the fight with the snake, but she broke character & smiled too much during the vet E.R. part .She needs to take acting lessons from Shatner.*

2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Self Helpless *There's a sucker "re-born" every minute.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd Goes Tea Bagging *"We're a little Tea Party, short & stout, when we get all steamed up hear us shout 'No more taxes, get the immigrant out!'"* 2 1/2 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Tenants From Hell - Striking Oil: Crude & deluded.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Carlito the Perverted Janitor - Bank Customers: Good loan agents love to kiss & tell.* 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security - Hidden Cameras: I don't want home security watching over me while I pee.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Homeowners Association - Naked People: Old, black couples don't have sex. Yeah, right.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------

Goth Public Access Channel (youtube) *"It's no fun being dead. Enough has been said." So why the morbid fixation?*

1 star

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear: Jason Takes Manhattan & Fortress of Amerikkka

*Rhonda is in an S&M shop with a gimp.

*Louis Gossett Jr. is an Olympic coach in a USA original movie. He's not the first actor that I would think of for a role like that. But maybe he's the most badass.

*Painful rectal burning? Admit you have it & get Preparation H. Doctors' orders.

*Trading erotic voicemails with "Girls of Paradise" seems like a one way street. A horny moron calls in a 1 800 number to nervously drool over his love for T & A, the voice model makes only one recording for any & every guy who calls in.

*Go back in time to when you weren't old & too feeble to open the mayo jar. If you believe that & buy our pain relieving cream, we also have ocean front property in [insert cliche dry state here]

*Couch fishin for loose change to buy extra Pop Tarts. Not me, the guy in the Kellogg's ad

*Pacific Blue, USA networks lame bicycle beach cops show from the late 90s. They recognize how boring being a beach cop must be, so they spice it up with a special west coast loco gangbangers episode.

*Big Easy. A sleazy, but probably all too tame show about New Orleans on USA network. Can't think of original programming? Exploit a city's reputation.

*Rhonda has an oversized spiked dog collar put on a poindexter

*Win a Nintendo 64 block party (sounds like it could have been fun) via Kellogg's & Kmart

*A kid in a "No Fear" t-shirt visits his square dad's Rent-A-Center style store in an ad

*Don't talk to your kids about the dangers of sniffing to get high, & wind up feeding soup to your newly vegetable loved one. I always preferred that trippy drowning anti-sniffing ad from the same time period.

*"Had a hard day?" "Talk to some of the most exotic women in the world." the world = Tampa, Florida. Some of the most exotic = ordinary skanks.

*What does chomping into a Nestle's Crunch sound like? This ad swears it sounds like a pink Cadillac convertible, filled with lightbulbs, falling off of a tall building. I think Elvis just cried. Not sure which he cried for: the pink Cadillac or the candy bar.

*Private eye James Belushi is following around split personality Linda Blair who hired him to follow herself around. Looks sleazy & potentially good.

*Rhonda dons kinky boots, leather, & a gay man's biker's hat in a black & white moving photo hanging on the wall. Sounded like maybe Velvet Underground was playing in the background as well.

*It's okay to be like your mom. You're closer to 40 than 20 & it has a sickly brown colored candy coating. Oh, what am I talking about, you ask, it's Advil.

*If you ever see a whitebread goodlooking man or woman sitting on a New England beach or pier during a windy day, do not approach. They may look harmless, but they're usually filming an embarrassing human condition commercial.

*Diamond studded sex handcuffs. Nice. But why is Rhonda being so camera shy? Was she burntout with the show by this point, five or six years into its run.

*Bill Cosby's former tv wife, the one that he doesn't cheat on by serving PM cold medicine to ugly white women, is in an argument with her much better looking & non-raping actual husband about Pop-Secret popcorn.

*Cable in the classroom provides a parent's guide to the information superhighway that is cable tv

*"Someone out there knows what I'm going through." somewhere out there in psychic phone network mystery world that is

*Bonkers for Babies! & Animal Bloopers on Zoo Life Video. Jack Hanna (the animal guy from Carson, Leno, Letterman) believes that "Animals Do Feel Love." They also have a funny bone, and it's used for more than just Chinese medicine.

*Zipper crotches on leather lingerie wearing limbless & headless mannequins & more Rhonda voice-over work

*Archie Bunker's real life son died from drugs. Maybe he should have spent more time with him instead of arguing with Meathead.

*Rhonda finally makes an on camera appearance with poindexter in the adult video section of the sex shoppe

*"Virtual reality bites" have a Butterfinger Blast. Blood sugar induced hallucinations?

* 1 800 number for a TimeLife coffee table book on "how To fix" home remodeling & repairs. For only 3 easy payments of 9.99. Pretty steep if you think in 20tens terms & how easy it is to just go online & find the same info, but this is 1996 or 7, here, in the ad.

*Going back in time from 97 to 92, Rhonda is at the WBF World Fitness Expo doing a bit of cute jogging in place.

*Rhonda sings the theme song from Fortress of Amerikkka.

*Rhonda tells fat jokes about Roseanne. Roseanne probably hated Rhonda. Tom Arnold probably loved her.

*Rhonda flirts with a WBF bodybuilder / foreign accent guy whose thighs are bigger than Rhonda's waist

*Rhonda gets the bodybuilding champ to take off his shirt. He probably was having a panic attack just by wearing it anyway. Meatheads & shirts don't get along.

*Rhonda's hormones are out of whack here & the bodybuilders' steroid use as well.

*An Amazon chick shows up to tell how this fitness expo ain't no beauty pageant

*A mullet-haired meathead talks about bringing rock & roll fire into his bodybuilding expo routine. Thankfully, rock & roll died a long time before this. It's just corpse abuse.

*Rhonda tries to find out how much moolah an 80s-RickJames-pimp-looking black Hercules has won from the competition. He pulls out a check from his fanny pack. Fanny packs are very manly.

*World's Strongest Samoan pauses from picking up sedans to lift Rhonda up into the air by her butt

*Troma presents Fortress of Amerikkka!: In the cruel absurdity of Amerikkka, human life is worthless.

2 stars for the sex shoppe, 2 stars for the ads, 1 star for the body building expo, 2 1/2 stars for Rhonda, either 1 or close to 2 1/2 stars for Jason 8 (for the countless time on basic cable & mostly bloodless), & more than 2 1/2 stars for Amerikkka!

-----------------------

Troma presents "Lust For Freedom" *Troma tries their hand at the exploitation genre staple of women in a private prison hell. Highlights include a big mean looking Indian with a scarred face that drives around a black van across the desert & kidnaps women for the prison. He's like something out of a Jim Morrison song & he looks like the creepy brother of Bob from Twin Peaks. Another trashy fun part of the movie involves prison lady badasses in wrestling matches to the death. Plus there's an 80s hard rock soundtrack including the song "Rock You To Hell."* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Sugartooth - Sold My Fortune *The boys mistake the word fortune for futon, and ponder why selling a futon would cause so many fights at the Sugartooth concert. Also, Beavis is intimidated by Urkel's size.* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 w/out

Kung Fu: Sun & Cloud Shadow *The path of peace is blocked by a mountain.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn: Place Of Dead Roads *The last stop before hell is a cafe, belonging to a cartel, serving plenty of coochie.* 2 1/2 stars

Public Access TV Gold - Don't You Want To Save Our Planet? *Fast Times Sean Penn look-a-like is for real about his love for his fellow parasite man. Vocal solo.* 3 stars

--- Dead Comics Society --- Commercial Breaks (1991):

*McHale's Navy every weeknight at 5 on the Comedy Channel. In color too. Antenna tv or MeTV shows this too, but in black & white.

*An ad for Billy Crystal's City Slickers. One of comedy's own was a blockbuster star still at this point.

*Coast bar soap ad where a "Thinking Man" bronze statue takes a refreshing bath in the rain.

*As seen on tv "No More Runs" panty hose w/ smart nylon. Run a nail file or a chainsaw right down the leg. Do not attempt while wearing, ladies

*Plenty of Stand Up comedy back in the day on comedy channels. Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Poundstone, Howie Mandel, Carlin, pretty much all of the recognizable faces. And not just a weekend special like Comedy Central, these days. Stand up comedy was pretty much the face of the network.

*Jack Benny is creeped out by a kid wearing an ole timey clown mask. He's speechless, or once. Another show too old for current Comedy Central. One day Southpark will be on a TVLand type network & kids will get a weird feeling seeing how antique it looks. Much like seeing this clip of Jack Benny would make Comedy Central's current audience feel.

*KC Bold is like fireworks in one's mouth. It's important to always see the inventor of the baked beans or the bbq sauce or the George Foreman grill to know that the product / meal will be satisfactory. Did George actually invent that sidways waffle iron & grease trough?

*Devry with their 9 locations, in 1991, will teach you the tech knowledge that you need to succeed. Having a neatly trimmed little mustache is up to you.

*Ah, hah hah! The classic & unintentionally funny Suzanne Summers "Thigh Master" ad. She is so smiley while squeezing her crotch muscles. & just like the "Shake Weight," seeing a guy use it is just as amusingly awkward.

*Two Drink Minimum. A self aware title for another all stand up comedy show on the network. This one only has B to C list comics like 'The Amazing Jonathan"

*Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" w/ such guests as the eccentric Steven Wright. We're too post-modern for something like this now. Inside the comedy mind? How lame, turn it on Louis CK's FX show or bring up a FunnyOrDie video. Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" is no Zack Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns." #hastag #hipster

*A middle America housewife is tired of having tried every diet from the "celebrity" to the "grapefruit." Her doctor finally puts her on some Medifast diet (we know it worked because obesity was cured & Medifast is currently the largest corporate brand of all time). She makes up for the weight loss by wearing oversized glasses & a lady business suit with shoulderpads larger than a NFL linebacker's.

*One of those classic scrolling certificate degrees from home ads. Learn everything from "gun repair" (only in America) or vcr repair (hopefully whoever took that is retired by now & not jobless).

*Short Attention Span Theater hosted by a very young Jon Stewart. This was before talking to cabinet secretaries & skewering political mishaps, for close to two decades, sucked all the life out of him.

*The very vintage Steve Allen Show weekdays on the Comedy Channel. Another show that deserves to still be on a classic channel somewhere. This clip had one of the first tv appearances of Elvis. How many viewers of current culture even care about or know whoElvis is, much less Steve Allen? Very few.

more than 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------

"V The Hot One" ---xxx--- (1977) *An example of how the fantasy in pornography is so different from reality: Valerie "V" asks her husband if he's ever been with a whore. (she's curious about whores) He says that he was with many when he was younger. (He then tells a digusting experience.) She's even more curious. (In reality the woman would be furious or detested with him.) Here, Valerie has spent a lifetime giving in to her whorish impulses.* 2 1/2(maybe classic)

"Tickle the Ivories w/ Janis Wolfe (Bad Public Access Show) *A very plain (& refreshingly un-self-aware) woman plays piano & reads psalms.* 1 star

"Topless Anti-Fashion" (DDTV San Francisco Public Access 1995) *A Lil' Kim look-a-like exposes painted nipples in what seems like a real life version of something Damon Wayans would parody on In Living Color.* 2 stars

Jake Byrd: Sara Palin Superfan (2008) *Bend over & grab your Arab ankles (Hussein Obama) or love Alaskan beaver (Palin Power).* 3 stars

Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review *Put a dog on the cover of the dvd & dumb parents will rent it for their kids. Even though the dog commits suicide halfway in & becomes a ghost dog.* 0 for Cop Dog & 3 for Plinkett

"Best of The New Tom Green Show" (2003) *Short lived talk show that captured the same kind of crappy hip young adult audience NBC's Jimmy Fallon would a decade later. Also another attempt by MTV to tame & market a cult & avant garde artist (idiot?) to the American public (about as successful as his first MTV show in 1999 & his box office bomb of a movie "Freddy Got Fingered" 2001?).* 2 stars

Robin Williams - Improv with The Second City *Robin could improve any "hellhole."* close to 2 1/2 (would be more if it were recorded professionally instead of by an audience member, in the back row, with a cheap camcorder)

"Satarded Satanic Panic" (youtube) *Before she became a high priestess in the corporate church of the global economy, Oprah bought in to the goofy fearmongering going on in the Reagan years. Either a nutbag or a decoy evangelical pretending to be a reformed participant in a unbelievably ridiculous occult sacrifice story has Oprah taking his side over the more logical minded, yet still pretentious within his constitutional religious rights, devil-worshipper.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Alien Abductions & End of the World *These crazies are actual doctors & best selling authors. Meanwhile, I'm not prepping for doomsday & I have no repressed memories of being probed. On top of that, I'm flat broke & live off of a diet of mostly beans while hardly leaving my house. I'm not paranoid, just lazy & unmotivated. I'd rather not survive an apocalypse or fly away w/ little green men.* 3 stars

Weird Al Yankovic: Headline News *Tru Al TV presents World's Dumbest Musical (Criminals).* close to 3 stars

Uncharted Zone: Ken Manning - Gulf Breeze UFO *Lookin' for a lost shaker of Martian salt.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

5 Dollar Wrestling: Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar, Jimmy the Snake Roberts *DDT stands for "drop dead twice."* close to 3 stars

Vh1 Classic Pop Up Video: Latoya Jackson - Heart Don't Lie *The black sheep of the Jacksons in a video all about puppy love.* close to 2 stars w/ pop ups & 1/2 a star w/out

"Pauly's Totally Buff Special" *MTV's "The Weasel" Pauly Shore butchers the English/Spanish/human language drooling the international language of love (lust) over California bimbos.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars (for an idiot time capsule)

"Alien Lust" ---xxx--- 1985 *"A story of bizarro desires!" Nothing too out of this world, except for maybe the corny cartoon alien penis monster sex scene finale.* close to 2 stars or mostly 1/2 a star

X Files: The Erlenmeyer Flask *The hybrids fall from Olympus. The finale of the "Deep Throat" story arc.*

3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Collection Completed *Grumpy bulldog M. Emmett Walsh begins his retirement by outcrazying his animal hoarding, eccentric wife when he uses taxidermy on all her beloved pets.* 3 stars

Harvey Keitel in "Corrupt" *"The public seek the police in order to be punished for their illicit desires." Johnny Rotten & Harvey make a cerebral odd couple.* close to 3 stars

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