#we stan my man Gary in this household! He's totally straight but he's a top tier ally!

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

@allvalley100

Prompt: Snake Oil

Pairing: Hawkmetri

Inspired by this shitpost I made forever ago XD You really can have SO much fun with the mlm abbreviation.

This is a 5-parter--500 words total!

***

“Uh…Demetri?”

Demetri pauses frantic texting. His coworker’s leaning on his cubicle wall, frowning.

“I’m on lunch, Gary.”

“I know.” Gary chuckles. “And you’ve spent it glued to your phone instead of devouring your shawarma.”

“Right, uh. Trying to get an old friend out of this MLM…situation.”

“Oh?” Gary’s frown returns.

“We haven’t talked in forever, but…I worry about him. Don’t want him mixed up in that sort of…depraved lifestyle.”

“I see.”

Gary now seems more concerned. Demetri laughs awkwardly, trying to ease the tension. “Pyramid schemes, am I right?”

“Oh, multi-level marketing!” Finally, Gary relaxes. “Thought you were being homophobic.”

*

“He’s always been impressionable. Got brainwashed by this karate cult when we were teenagers, cut me off because I said they were sketchy.”

“He what now?” Gary’s eyes widen.

“Don’t worry about it. Point is, he gets really into questionable stuff, and…he hasn’t listened to me in years.”

A pause.

“Some mean girl from junior high messaged my wife, selling Speed-Gro hair enhancer shampoo,” Gary muses. “Lady sounded pitiful. My wife vowed to free her…even if she did steal her boyfriend in 8th grade.”

Demetri brightens. “Did it work?”

“Probably not a catch-all, but…show me the conversation. We can try.”

*

5:20 p.m. Hawk: Don’t ever speak to me again, or I’ll END you. Go rot in your basement playing nerd bullshit, bitch.

7:47 p.m. Demetri: Fine. Goodbye, Eli. ✔✔ Seen 9:53 p.m., September 24, 2018 ✔✔

-----------------------------------------------

March 17, 2030

7:26 a.m. Hawk: Hey man!! Selling Kickass Karate™️ equipment—gloves, pads, nunchucks…anything!!! INCREDIBLE prices. New discounts, too!

9:41 a.m. Demetri: Hawk! It’s been too long! Why not discuss these awesome deals further over coffee? I’ll pay. You’re giving me your time AND a great opportunity!

9:50 a.m. Hawk: …like a date?

10:02 a.m. Demetri: No, no, strictly business :) Pick you up tomorrow?

*

Eli’s surprisingly pleasant on their da—er, business outing. 0 mentions of Cobra Kai.

Instead, he waxes poetic about working for Kickass Karate™️, and how they’re “totally hiring right now!” He barely notices them parking at Demetri’s apartment because Demetri “forgot his gift card.”

~~~

“The fuck? I’m not getting free coffee?!”

Traces of “Hawk” emerge when Eli finds himself locked in. Demetri accounted for this.

He thrusts a macchiato at Eli as the lights dim. “Ordered them earlier. Hope that’s still your favorite.”

A PowerPoint opener illuminates the TV.

“Demetri’s incredibly badass guide: Besting the dumb pussies scamming you.”

*

“You’ve looked better.” On Wednesday morning, Gary does a double take. “What were you doing with that PTO?!”

Demetri grins meekly, dabbing antiseptic across assorted cuts and bruises. “Eli finally listened about the pyramid scheme thing. He wanted to deal with it immediately.”

“You two…” Gary’s eyes widen. “You fought the guys scamming him? Is that even legal?!”

“Probably not.” Demetri shrugs. “But neither’s most MLM stuff, so…”

“Not true.” Gary smirks. “Not since Obergefell v. Hodges.”

“…fair point.”

“Is that why you have this Eli character openly saved in your phone as ‘Babygirl?’”

Demetri’s cheeks burn. “That’s not important!”