#oh to only fall in love with guys who are frighteningly susceptible to karate cult recruitment tactics 3< /div>
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@allvalley100
Prompt: Snake Oil
Pairing: Hawkmetri
Inspired by this shitpost I made forever ago XD You really can have SO much fun with the mlm abbreviation.
This is a 5-parter--500 words total!
***
“Uh…Demetri?”
Demetri pauses frantic texting. His coworker’s leaning on his cubicle wall, frowning.
“I’m on lunch, Gary.”
“I know.” Gary chuckles. “And you’ve spent it glued to your phone instead of devouring your shawarma.”
“Right, uh. Trying to get an old friend out of this MLM…situation.”
“Oh?” Gary’s frown returns.
“We haven’t talked in forever, but…I worry about him. Don’t want him mixed up in that sort of…depraved lifestyle.”
“I see.”
Gary now seems more concerned. Demetri laughs awkwardly, trying to ease the tension. “Pyramid schemes, am I right?”
“Oh, multi-level marketing!” Finally, Gary relaxes. “Thought you were being homophobic.”
*
“He’s always been impressionable. Got brainwashed by this karate cult when we were teenagers, cut me off because I said they were sketchy.”
“He what now?” Gary’s eyes widen.
“Don’t worry about it. Point is, he gets really into questionable stuff, and…he hasn’t listened to me in years.”
A pause.
“Some mean girl from junior high messaged my wife, selling Speed-Gro hair enhancer shampoo,” Gary muses. “Lady sounded pitiful. My wife vowed to free her…even if she did steal her boyfriend in 8th grade.”
Demetri brightens. “Did it work?”
“Probably not a catch-all, but…show me the conversation. We can try.”
*
5:20 p.m. Hawk: Don’t ever speak to me again, or I’ll END you. Go rot in your basement playing nerd bullshit, bitch.
7:47 p.m. Demetri: Fine. Goodbye, Eli. ✔✔ Seen 9:53 p.m., September 24, 2018 ✔✔
-----------------------------------------------
March 17, 2030
7:26 a.m. Hawk: Hey man!! Selling Kickass Karate™️ equipment—gloves, pads, nunchucks…anything!!! INCREDIBLE prices. New discounts, too!
9:41 a.m. Demetri: Hawk! It’s been too long! Why not discuss these awesome deals further over coffee? I’ll pay. You’re giving me your time AND a great opportunity!
9:50 a.m. Hawk: …like a date?
10:02 a.m. Demetri: No, no, strictly business :) Pick you up tomorrow?
*
Eli’s surprisingly pleasant on their da—er, business outing. 0 mentions of Cobra Kai.
Instead, he waxes poetic about working for Kickass Karate™️, and how they’re “totally hiring right now!” He barely notices them parking at Demetri’s apartment because Demetri “forgot his gift card.”
~~~
“The fuck? I’m not getting free coffee?!”
Traces of “Hawk” emerge when Eli finds himself locked in. Demetri accounted for this.
He thrusts a macchiato at Eli as the lights dim. “Ordered them earlier. Hope that’s still your favorite.”
A PowerPoint opener illuminates the TV.
“Demetri’s incredibly badass guide: Besting the dumb pussies scamming you.”
*
“You’ve looked better.” On Wednesday morning, Gary does a double take. “What were you doing with that PTO?!”
Demetri grins meekly, dabbing antiseptic across assorted cuts and bruises. “Eli finally listened about the pyramid scheme thing. He wanted to deal with it immediately.”
“You two…” Gary’s eyes widen. “You fought the guys scamming him? Is that even legal?!”
“Probably not.” Demetri shrugs. “But neither’s most MLM stuff, so…”
“Not true.” Gary smirks. “Not since Obergefell v. Hodges.”
“…fair point.”
“Is that why you have this Eli character openly saved in your phone as ‘Babygirl?’”
Demetri’s cheeks burn. “That’s not important!”
#allvalley100#hawk x demetri#demetri x eli#binary boyfriends#elimetri#hawkmetri#hawkmeat#demetri x hawk#eli x demetri#demetri alexopoulos#demetri cobra kai#eli moskowitz#hawk#cobra kai#cobra kai season 2#cobra kai season 3#tagging Eli's most-brainwashed-by-a-cult seasons akshuofvgdkh#sadly the boy WOULD be very susceptible to mlm (both varieties)#we stan my man Gary in this household! He's totally straight but he's a top tier ally!#oh to only fall in love with guys who are frighteningly susceptible to karate cult recruitment tactics </3#Gary: Why does the guy you beat up scammers with call you Babygirl#Demetri: Hey don't worry about it#also yes the implication is very much that Demetri took a whole-ass vacation day#to beat up multi-level marketing scammers with Eli#pour one out for my man Gary he probably has so many questions about how they're not both in jail#the poor man does not realize he is living in the hit karate soap opera tv show Cobra Kai universe
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