#we need to connect on discord or something so we can talk regularly again I miss u bro

[lorettafryingpan]

I can’t reblog the post about the Odyssey twitter drama anymore but @pilotstar you need to know there is some tom-fucking-foolery happening and I have to get your take on it

[thessalian]

Thess vs Knowing Your Employees

I'm not doing very well, and I think everybody knows it. Like, not people who read my Tumblr or people I talk to on Discord or anything like that. I mean everybody.

Update on the overtime thing - apparently today was a fairly slow day in terms of reporting, so when I called at 3:30 as I was asked to, there were only about 130 dictations in the queue.

(Note: that sounds like a lot, and it is, but it was 450 on Tuesday.)

Things were chill enough at the office that Scruffman actually forgot he asked me to ring him to check in about the workload. I think that might have something to do with having emailed him a little earlier in the day about a significant issue with someone's dictation.

(Further note: our doctors use wireless headset microphones to dictate - Bluetooth, I think. Anyway, sometimes they end up sitting too far from their computers for a decent connection, and when that connection dies, the transcription software defaults to using whatever microphone is handy - which in our machines means one built into the webcam. And of course, if they're sitting so far away that the wireless connection won't work, they're not going to be very audible over lab noise either. Bad enough when it's a regular dictation, but there were two urgent cases I had to send back because they were inaudible and you don't make guesses about someone's urgent liver biopsy. I swear, half the doctors don't have the foggiest clue how to use the equipment and it shows.)

Anyway, point is, I actually had voice chat with the man. I can generally sound pretty professional under even the worst circumstances, but that's only to people who haven't dealt with me regularly. Scruffman has heard my "I am in serious pain and sucking it up" voice a lot. And to his credit, I'm pretty sure he noticed me using it. Because when I asked if I was going to be needed for overtime with our typing queue as it was, he said, "It's actually been really quiet, so we should be okay! I mean ... some of them do go crazy in the late afternoon ... and sometimes they come in on Saturday ... but no; no, you're fine on your regular hours; we'll be okay".

In those elliptical pauses, I could hear the "Oh [Thess] does not sound well. Even if we're not fine, I can push [Temp] and [Goblin] a little harder on Monday, or we can work it out after [Thess] has had an actual break." I mean, I'm sure he does actually care, but there's also an awful lot of "Working [Thess] this hard is going to result in more sick leave and we really can't afford that right now, particularly not from the best worker the department has right now", and more than a little "[Thess] got reduced hours because of a disability and if [Thess] has to go on long-term sick again, Occupational Health is going to eat my head". So not purely altruistic motives, but at least he noticed.

That said, I'm still not doing well. While I did not have overtime, I did still have to go out to pick up some painkillers and a couple of bits and pieces. A bad idea during rush hour, but needed to get to things before they shut. Painkillers aside, I forgot to order carrots and I like carrots in my Japanese curry, which is very much on the menu this month. Carrot, potato, onion, and butternut squash. Might fill it out with some sweet potato too this time.

I did treat myself a little, though. Slightly longer travel time hurt, but it meant going to the big Tesco that does the gluten-free onion rings. And sirloin steak was on sale. So guess what I had for dinner? (Well, with potato salad and some veggie crudites with ranch dip; veggies are good.) It was a much-deserved treat, and thankfully didn't require a lot of effort.

I'd love to say I'm going to just relax tomorrow, and I sort of will, but if I have to go to the pharmacy for my prescription meds if I wake up early enough, and either way I should go to the big Sainsbury's to stock up on gluten-free pasta. It's a pain in the arse; Tesco has a great range of gluten-free products but their gluten-free pasta is bullshit, while Sainsbury's doesn't have quite the same selection but does the only really edible own-brand gluten-free pasta I've found so far. I hate having to go to like three different shops to get a full gluten-free shop stock-up.

Anyway, also there might be baking. I'm going to have to order more gluten-free flour already. But then again, two cakes, one loaf of gingerbread, and a batch of chocolate chip cookies and I'm still not through the entire bucket. So that's something.

To summarise: I am not doing well, I'm still using Saturday for as much recovery as possible (sad as missing a Saturday session makes me, I would not run well in this state), and I want cookies.

[royaloceanxx]

all's well that end's well... i think?

let's just stop

drop everything

forget each other's names

and just walk away.

baby you wouldn't last a minute on the creek, chiodos.

recently, i ended a friendship with a guy who i really connected with. he felt like my match in every sense of the word: we liked the same music, we liked the same movies, we liked the same video games, our humor was scarily similar and we could talk for hours whether it was by phone or text. we connected on a really weird level, the kind that happens once in a blue moon. as our friendship grew, we became extremely close and in turn created a twisted dependency.

it didn't help that he made me feel special. saying things like "you're the only person i talk to besides my mom" , showing me a love song that was apparently only meant for "one person" , turning to me for companionship when he couldn't fall asleep, having daily virtual movie nights together (thru handy dandy discord), and just other encounters that weren't quite.. friendly.

naturally, i took this all in stride and became a hopeless optimist. but as one would expect, nothing came of this strange entanglement. he began growing distant and i felt like my heart was breaking. why didn't he need me anymore? i would ask myself. it felt like he relied so much on me and he must've enjoyed talking to me in some capacity. but when all of a sudden communication slowed to a halt i felt confused and lost. i became angry, bitter and a shell of who i was. i realized, after the fact that i had crafted my whole idea of happiness based on when he texted me, when he called me, when he "wanted" me. i had become dependent on someone, for better or for worse.

i blamed myself, but i hated the way that he made me feel like i was something and then abandoned me. in my daze of frustration, i crafted a series of poems that centered around a rotting apple. here's one of the poems.

in a way, i feel like rotting fruit. 

like a rotted apple 

that has been plucked peculiarly from a decaying tree. 

like some common loot. 

in hopes that it will provide nourishment 

despite the dreary foreseen outcome. 

i am plucked and i am examined. 

they find use of me 

even though i did not fall on their head. 

they sought me out. 

they take bites of my flesh 

gnawing around the rot

those ugly brown and tender spots. 

they examine the parts of my core that are visible 

they prod at my seeds and laugh. 

my stem falls off 

and suddenly, i forget from where i came. 

who was that tree? 

they realize, after some time, that i can no longer be of use. 

you see, they did not care to take my seeds and water them. 

i had been waiting come winter for such mercies to be granted by my new companions. 

since i thrive in icy conditions. 

however i was thrown away before i could regenerate. 

my lineage had ended. 

i was forsaken.  

but i guess 

in some way

i should be glad that i was even picked at all. 

the apple, royal ocean.

this encapsulated how i was feeling perfectly. i felt used and discarded by someone who once cared so deeply about me, and i to him. yet.. we were nothing. there was nothing special between us. this connection that i had boasted about so proudly from my imaginary pedestal was nothing more than a fictional universe i had created inside my insipid head. it was all a hoax, but one so cleverly crafted by yours truly. after this incident, i realized.. i can't do this. i had to stop my attachment; sever it or die!

but.. this was harder than i thought. because all of a sudden he began texting me regularly again. i was back in the game! or was i? but oh i didn't care. i was happy to be chosen once again. it was off and on, like a pendulum. one minute we were chatting it up like old times, the next it was silent on both ends.

however, he ruined everything. we had made plans to hang out over my christmas break. i was super excited and had bought him and his cat presents. i'm sure we all know where this is going but stay with me now. he had promised me when we made these plans that he would take off work that day to ensure we could hang out. i text him a few days before reminding him of our plans: of course he had forgotten and said "i'm working". i was mad. oh i was pissed. i felt like the dad of the kid who was at north liberty. he had disrespected me and my time. and i don't play that game AT ALL. deal me the fuck out. so i let him have it. i ripped into him (in a very collected manner) and explained how his actions had hurt me. he apologized but after that i stopped talking to him. i'll spare the sappy details but we sort of "made up" on new years eve. he texted me a genuine apology and also sent me a happy new years text. lovely, right? wrong. i had started to not care about him.

this was my awakening. i realized i couldn't continue this same worn out path of desperation. i had to prioritize myself. i think those smashing pumpkins said it best.

can anybody hear me?

i just want to be me

and when i can, i will

mayonaise, the smashing pumpkins.

i just want to be me! and only i have the power to do that. so, slowly but surely i began detaching myself. it's funny how people realize when you switch up on them. one day i received a text which posed the question "are you mad at me?". i thought it was funny, but clearly i was doing something right to invoke that out of him!! i explained that i wasn't mad but essentially was cleaning up my personal garden, and getting rid of some of those flowers who didn't really suit me anymore.

again, i'll spare the sappy details but it has all come to a close. i no longer talk to him and i no longer consider him a friend in the traditional sense. we had some good moments together (he put me on to DGD!) but in the end, it was unhealthy. at least for me.

i've been listening to that chiodos song a lot lately and it's uncanny how much it mirrors my situation.

anyways, i think i've written enough and can lay this story to rest.

with love xx

royal ocean

[pandasingle]

Well, this is the hardest thing to say, but June 16th 2022, this blog is officially archived.

I never thought I’d be saying that here, and to be honest, if you would’ve told past me that, I probably would’ve vehemently denied and covered my ears.

However, I do think I’m at a point with this blog where there’s no more I can do. We b-are b-ears is over. The only exisiting material left is the spinoff, (Which I’m really not a fan for, but I’m not the demographic for that to be fair to it.)

I’ll give my feelings in the read more, but here’s one last art I made as a parting gift. 

For the time I’ve played Panda here it’s been a rollercoaster. From all of the rp blogs I’ve had, this was the most personal one out of all of them.

I was cringe, I went through so many fandoms/phases on here, got into so many crossover fun that I’ll never ever forget. Despite the mild turbulent  moments, I’m so glad the GF fandom took in a little weird guy rp’er like me.

I just got into Gravity Falls towards the end , but even though I was real late, and missed alot of hype moments, I still was welcomed, and loved, and I’ll never forget the memories given for that.

While there were was a really hard period on here, that I don’t want to even get into/address any specfics at this point, the situation or the person isn’t why I’m leaving at all.

It’s not even due to anyone or anything.

I’m just at a point, where I feel like Panda, well my Panda grew with me through all of the changes/hard times that happened in my life.

When I was being bullied and harrassed by some really jerks IRL, who were trying to find all of my stuff online as well, Panda was a huge comfort and a centering point for me and my anxieties. 

The community here, and this character really made me feel safe, and he made me feel loved no matter what. 

And, he’s the reason I’ve met alot of amazing rp’ers and even made a best friend that I hold dearly, and still regularly talk to through discord. And I want all my mutuals to know I love them, and I wish nothing but the best for them going forward.

However, as I took breaks and hiatuses, and found new muse(s), whenever I come back it doesn’t feel the same anymore. At first I was worried, and insistent I had to find something new, to make him interesting and writeable again.

However, I realized, I don’t really need Panda for the comfort like I used to anymore. He’s grown up and developed as much as I could give, and I’ve moved on.

And that’s the hardest thing, because god it hurts. But, I don’t have the energy I used to. I’m not as vibrant and eager to meet a bunch of new people, and promote myself, and  my connection with Panda I feel is at a stand still, but it isn’t a bad thing.

I’m actually a teary mess trying to collect my thoughts here, so I’ll think I’ll just end it on, goodbye.

It was a fun ride while it lasted. And I send you all my love.

[a-lil-perspective]

I have been silent for some time now. I have refrained from exhibiting any plaguing thoughts that might warrant me the label of “that person”, but I’m at the point where I’ve had my fill.

Ramble under the cut so as to not... offend or inconvenience anyone. There’s absolutely no obligation to read this. It’s Tumblr. You can block/ignore me. The option to do so is readily accessible.

I’ve been a Bad Batch fan since day one. While I didn’t start creating that very same day, it was relatively close. Point being, I’m a long-time dedicated fan. As the premiere to their series draws closer, I feel like there is going to be a great shift, rift here. That being said, I figured now is as good a time as any to make this post.

I love those boys beyond words. They’ve been the one constant in my life amidst a rapid and debilitating change. I love getting to give them life, even if my interpretations aren’t the most accurate.

Yes, I am a new Writer and yes, I am new to Tumblr, as I am sure both of those things are painfully apparent.

I get that it is impossible to please everyone. It’s something I’m learning more and more with each passing day. It’s something that gets harder to swallow, even more so.

I’d like to say that being here has been a largely positive experience, with all of these great connections and opportunities. But honestly? It’s been more isolating than anything. I’ve actually never felt more isolated than since I joined a year ago.

As a content creator or even just a general blogger, I don’t ask for much. I don’t ask for anything, in fact. I consider myself very low maintenance. I don’t demand/harass/play the martyr for reblogs. I have never mentioned it once, and never will. Some people on here are so damn passive-aggressive about it, and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. It’s very stigmatizing. While I completely understand the frustration surrounding the like-to-reblog ratio, I think it’s neither tasteful nor reputable to threaten to call people out for not reblogging your fics. I wish I could say I was joking on that one. But I’ve seen it profoundly. Not cool.

And yet, no one says anything or raises any concern there.

Yet I make metas, harmless rambles, and I get shot down? Seriously?

—I need to “chill”, it’s “overkill”, I’m “overthinking”. I and my content are apparently just so damn arduous to interact with.

If you don’t like me, please just move on. There are plenty of other Bad Batch creators for you to enjoy. You know that. My work is absolutely not the final say, and I’ve never claimed it to be.

What is so wrong, with sharing one’s thoughts? Why do people inherently have a problem with other’s creative efforts? I see it time over again. Why do I feel like if I was making a bunch of smutty posts it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, that it in fact would be infinitely more welcome? (Absolutely NO shade to people who create smut, okay? I’ve made my own share. I admire those bold enough to do so regularly. I absolutely love them. Please teach me your ways).

This ramble really has nothing to do with the most recent event regarding my contributions. Rather, it’s a culmination of experiences over the past several months that have brewed and festered to the point where I can no longer keep downplaying it.

Social media, at its core, is one big popularity contest. It always has been, it always will be. But I’m not here to win. That’s never been my objective. That’s not what I’m about. Surprise (or not), I am not a popular blog. Not by a long shot. I’ll never claim otherwise.

I don’t ask people to view/interact with my content, I’m not an activist, I can’t even fathom exuding that kind of confidence. Even though I, admittedly, crave it. I suspect I crave interaction as much as the next creator. It’s a nice feeling. Yet there’s never been any obligation for it, especially with me, so I don’t understand what the problem is. As I’ve said, there are ample ways for you to block/avoid me. It’s the internet. In this day and age, there’s no excuse for viewing anything you don’t want to.

I came here in the hopes of finding like-minded individuals, uplifting and interacting, and exercising some otherwise stunted creativity.

All Tumblr as taught me is that creating and contributing is largely a thankless, empty endeavor. You can give and give and give and be reduced to nothing. There’s a profound imbalance between “giving” and “receiving”, and in regards to both ends of the scale, it’s became apparent to me that if you don’t cater heavily and in unreasonable degrees or get “noticed” by a popular blog, you get nothing, and your efforts are null and void.

Truthfully? I constantly feel like I walk on eggshells here, and it’s all I can do to not crack under the pressure, even though it’s my blog and my headspace. I should feel comfortable and free to express myself here, and I don’t, and I’m unsure of how to achieve that sense of stability. To be completely honestly I feel like a constant bother and a nuisance. When I post, I literally feel like there is a collective eye-roll that comes with people receiving a notification from my blog. Even though I know, rationally, that can’t be true, that’s an absurd level of thinking. I can’t say I can pinpoint exactly where it stems from.

But regardless: I hardly ever talk about/create the things I actually want. I only recently just got ballsy enough to share some metas, and we all know how well that’s going. I try not to have smut out of respect for my asexual/minor mutuals, even though the tag to blacklist is very much an option. I try not to bring up conflicting topics, Tumblr, political, or otherwise, even though with proper tagging I could. But I try not to even bring that into existence. Even though it’s my right to, I don’t.

I don’t actually feel like I fit into any narrative here, especially in the Bad Batch fandom; even though we are all basically the same steadfast group of bloggers. We all know who we are. We all coexist in the same space. It’s nearly impossible to be unaware of each other, at this point.

And yet, I’m not in a bunch of Discord servers or backed by a team of beta readers and all that jazz. It’s basically just me talking to myself out here. It’s very isolating.

Part of that—most of it—is my own crippling social anxiety, and the genuine belief that I don’t deserve to be in the same space/servers as all of these brilliant creators. Because I’m just me, and there’s not a whole lot of value there. With that mindset, it’s hard to actually feel like I belong anywhere. I know that is a mindset I have to conquer alone.

My excitement over my creations has largely dwindled into nothing. I seldom ever bounce my ideas off of others—another issue that stems from the fear of presenting as a burden—and even though I try to write for myself, even that fire has pretty much died out. I’m not even sure how or if I could even reignite it, at this point. It’s really quite sad. It makes me very sad, actually. All I wanted was to safely ramble, project all my thoughts and creativity that has otherwise been repressed through prolonged detrimental circumstances.

More than anything, I wanted to find and hold onto something that makes me feel useful, meaningful, happy. More and more I wonder if that’s even possible. I don’t think it is, not here. I often wonder if joining and sharing on Tumblr was a horrible mistake. I miss the innocent joy of when I first started creating. It was so simple. I’m trying to find that simplicity again.

But I’m burned out. I’m running on fumes. I have been for some time.

At this point it goes beyond just “taking a break” from Tumblr. It’s the fact that it all feels like this meaningless, monotonous cycle. I wonder every day if I am an isolated case in experiencing these emotions.

And yet, come tomorrow I will still be here, business as usual.

I’m not asking for sympathy or playing the victim or attacking anyone or trying to guilt-trip into more interaction. I am very aware of my shortcomings and incorrect mindsets. I’m just trying to make sense of it all. I feel very disconnected from everyone here and it’s lonely. This took a lot for me to share. I will most likely delete this because anxiety will eat me up, as it does with everything I post. Yes, everything.

[wildlyminiaturesandwich]

It’s time we talk about SimsDom again.

Most of you probably already know who and what Simsdom is but for those that don’t, Simsdom (or SimsDomination) claim to essentially be a CC finds website, which in essence I suppose they are... But don’t get your hopes up for a Lana replacement because they are SO much more than that. And not in a good way.

I know this is an old subject, and most people probably thought it was all over and done with, but Simsdom is still around and what’s worse is that I’ve noticed a growing trend among my fellow Game Changers who create content for Youtuber and Twitch/Mixer of promoting the site by using it to do CC shopping haul videos and streams, which is encouraging their viewers to use Simsdom. I’m not going to name names or point fingers but it made me realise that maybe some people don’t understand just how bad Simsdom is for the community in general, but especially for the amazingly dedicated CC creators of Simblr. And it’s just so disappointing to see people that some many in the community, including myself, look up to promoting this garbage site!

If you’re curious to know why this is a problem, I’ll explain under the cut. If not, keep scrolling... But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If you visit the Simsdom website (which I’ve purposely not provided a link to because you absolutely shouldn’t visit it) you’ll notice a whole bunch of custom content is available there, more than likely you’ll even find quite a bit from some of your faves like @peacemaker-ic​, @nolan-sims​, @storylegacysims​, @crypticsim​, @renorasims​, @savvysweet​ and MANY more. My stuff is even on there as well and if you’re a creator, the chances are high your stuff is too; whether you want it to be or not.

But don’t be fooled, myself and most of the other creators whose content appears on their site did not give permission for our content to be shared on there. In fact, most of us have specifically asked Simsdom to remove our content from their site. I say “most” because there are some people who willing uploading their content there (god knows why). The easiest way to the tell the difference is to look at who posted the content. If you see this:

That content has been shared by a bot, without the creator’s permission and more than likely against their many requests that Simsdom NOT share their content. If it says the name of the actual creator instead of “Exchange”, that creator uploaded it themselves.

You might also ask why anyone would care if their content was shared on a CC finds blog, after all, it means more traffic to our blogs and content, right? First of all, whether it brings in more traffic or not, is beside point. These creators have specifically requested Simsdom not share their content and they have been ignored, disrespected, threatened, and harassed. Simsdom claims that their users make up 30-90% of Tumblr creators traffic, but I call bullshit. I check my Google analytics every single month for traffic coming in to both my Tumblr and Blogger from Simsdom and I can tell you that LESS THAN 1% of the COMBINED TOTAL traffic from BOTH BLOGS comes from there. And when you understand how they operate, you’ll understand why that is.

- UPDATE -

In reference to Simsdom’s response to this post, they linked 5 creators that they claim meet their crazy statement that their site provides creators with 30-90% of their traffic. So I just thought I’d point out some interesting facts I noticed while looking at those sites.

One of those sites is dead; literally, it doesn’t exist anymore, if it ever even did. Another, @simiracle​, is a fellow Game Changer who reblogged this post, so I’m guessing they don’t have support there. And the other 3 are alpha CC creators, none of whom have ever uploaded any of their CC to Simdom, nor have they ever mentioned Simsdom on their sites in any way. However, all three earn money on their own content via either adfly, adsense, patreon, or some combination of the three; my guess would be they wouldn’t be too happy to find out Simsdom is making money off them too.

You see, Simsdom might sometimes link back to the original creators site, but often times they don’t. I’ve noticed quite a bit of the content of my own on their site directly links to the file on SimFileShare, completely bypassing both my Tumblr and my Blogger. This might not seem like a big problem, but what about if the creator has put specific instructions, requirements, or notes on the original download page that if the downloader doesn’t read could result in broken/unusable CC, or worse, a broken game?

- UPDATE -

In reference to Simsdom’s response to this post, they linked to SimFileShare’s page on SimilarWeb and claimed that I was lying about direct-linking to my files there because their site does not appear in the list of referring sites. What they failed to mention is that that list only shows the TOP 5 sites that link to SimFileShare regularly. There are still 385 other sites that aren’t shown and can’t be seen without having an account with SimilarWeb. Convenient, huh?

I also said they only direct-linked SOME content. With my content it was only about 4 or 5 things out of the 15 or so they have on their site and I didn’t check anyone else’s stuff but I have heard other creators say the same thing. So of course they’re not going to show up in the top 5 if it’s only SOME links.

But wait, there’s more.

Anyone downloading from their website without an adblocker is forced to wade through potentially harmful ads as well. Notice the blue button that says “download” at the top? That’s not a real download button and if you click it, it will instantly begin shoving pop ups in your face claiming you have a system error or that your local law enforcement agency has detected illegal activity from your IP. Yes, I clicked it. There is nothing of importance left on my HDD (it’s all stored safely on an external drive that isn’t connected to the PC at all) because this drive has been slowly dying for weeks and I’m destroying it tomorrow and replacing it with a brand new one, so I decided to take a chance.

These ads, which are on pretty much every page of Simsdom, are what’s called “Ransomware”, and it’s whole purpose is to distract you with fake pop up “warnings” when you click on it so that you don’t realise it’s actually downloading a very harmful file to your computer in the background. It’s designed to be next to impossible to close the pop ups, so that even if you somehow became aware of the download happening, you couldn’t get past the pop ups to stop it before it’s had time to finish downloading and automatically begin running it’s payload when it’s done.

What payload? That’s the scariest part, you won’t know until it’s too late. It could be something as simple as a trojan that will force your PC to mine bitcoins, which is still harmful because these mining trojans are resource hogs and put a massive strain on your CPU. Or a trojan designed to target and encrypt specific files on your computer (usually sensitive ones) and demand you pay a literal ransom (usually either in bitcoin or pre-paid cash) and if you don’t, your files will either be complete erased or leaked.

Or worse still, it could be something even more sinister such as a key-logger; a piece of spyware that is designed to track and log EVERY. SINGLE. KEY. you touch on your keyboard. So every password you use, every online banking key code you enter, all the conversations you have via Discord, Twitter, Tumblr, or any other form of instant messaging, that fanfiction you’ve been working on that you are too scared to show anyone in case they think you’re a pervert, your credit card and bank account number you use to shop online, what porn you look for, even your Google search history (regardless of if you’re incognito); all of it will be no longer private and in the hands of someone who could use it to steal your identity, empty out your bank accounts, charge thousands of dollars worth of goods to your credit card, or expose every little strange thing you do on your computer that you thought no one would ever find out about, unless you pay their ransom.

Scary huh?

Also notice that those Get Famous recolours I made don’t say that they actually require Get Famous? Why is that a problem, you say? For most people it’s not, you see “Get Famous Recolours” and you automatically know you need Get Famous to use them, but what about people who are new to using CC and don’t know that for my recolours to work you need the pack they came from? Yeh, that’s a problem, because that particular download is one of those ones that leads straight to SimFileShare:

It leads directly to the merged file, which is NOT the only file available for download in that set, just the largest. But no one who finds my content on Simsdom will ever know that will they? Nor will they read the part of the download page that clearly states Get Famous is required to use the recolours.

I hear you saying “But adblockers are a thing”. Yes they are, but that doesn’t solve the issue of them linking straight to the file. And also, here’s what happens when you try to download something from Simsdom with an adblocker enabled:

You’re forced to wait 180 seconds before the download button appears. THREE WHOLE MINUTES in which you cannot move from that page or the counter will stop, and it will only restart when you go back to that page and stay there for the entire three minutes. Even Adfly isn’t that gross.

So, all of that isn’t enough to discourage you from using this vile site you say? Well, let me introduce you to the person/people who run the site. There are plenty of examples floating around Tumblr of how disrespectful, arrogant, immature, and disturbing the owner/s are (just search for “Simsdom” and you’ll see) but here’s just a few posts showing “receipts” of what happened to creators when they ask for their content to be removed from the site: Here,  here, and here.

They have threatened to doxx several creators, tried to blackmail others, threatened to shut down some people’s sites, and even actually refused to remove people’s content unless they say “please”; as though these creators are six year old children who need to learn a lesson for not wanting THEIR content on someone else’s website!

All of this was said AFTER they made a post on their Tumblr saying they would respect creators wishes to not have their content on their site. I myself had a run-in with them as well but I don’t have the receipts because as soon as they finally agreed to remove my content (after almost 4 days of arguing with them and being threatened several times) they blocked me... and they continue to share my content to this day. That’s part of the reason why my motivation to create has been so low lately; I know its just going to end up over there, locked behind a paywall making money for these disgusting people and tricking simmers into thinking they have to pay to access my stuff.

But back to the story! Once they realised 99% of Tumblr creators — the people they get most of their content from — were going to ask to have their creations removed however, they changed their mind and instead started refusing to remove content. In fact, if you go to their website and use the contact form and choose the option “Remove my Content” they literally ask if you are Tumblr creator or not, and if you say you are, this is what you get:

And that “Our Rights here” link? That leads to this nonsense that literally contradicts itself with almost every single sentence:

“Creations can’t be uploaded without the creators permission... but we do not need permission to share your creations” “Feel free to contact us to ask to remove your content... but actually don’t bother contacting us asking to remove your content because we won’t” “SimsDomination is a free website... We don’t steal any content... *literally has other people’s free content locked behind a paywall and charges people membership fees to remove said paywall*”

And as for the EA terms part... I have news for you Simsdom, YOU are the only one breaking EA’s terms of use by putting content behind paywalls. I’m an EA Game Changer, I have actually read the terms of use AND spoken at length on the topics of earning revenue from CC, and why paywalls/memberships/exclusives are against EA’s terms of use with the Sim Gurus, have you? Didn’t think so.

If you had, you’d realise that we are allowed to earn revenue from our CC by having ads on our blogs/sites provided they aren’t deceptive — you know, like that ad with the big blue button you have that shows up on every single page of your site — and don’t lead to anything malicious, which yours do. I clicked several of the ads on your site and they all either lead to disgusting 18+ websites, started producing ransomware pop ups like I described earlier, or tried to download a mysterious file called setup.exe to my computer (which was most likely a trojan as well). We are also allowed to earn revenue via donations and Patreon early access systems provided the content is also made available for free to the general public within 14 days.

We are not, however, allowed to lock content behind Patreon exclusives, memberships and paywalls such as Adfly; which is exactly what you are doing. Like Adfly, you are not only potentially exposing underage children to 18+ content and risking the safety of people’s PCs, but you are also forcing them to wait to click a link and charging membership fees to avoid having to wait to download said content that isn’t even yours; content that you have been asked REPEATEDLY to remove. That is the very definition of a paywall. It is NOT the same as Pinterest or Facebook AT ALL, they might have ads but they aren’t malicious and they do not force people to wait to view content.

- UPDATE - 

In reference to Simsdom’s response to this post, this is probably one of my most favourite Simsdom lies, because it never changes but it’s so easy to prove false! “Users don’t need to pay to download any content and don’t need to wait to download them” Oh really? Shall we take a look at your site on the old SimilarWeb that you love so much?

How strange. If you don’t make people wait, then why do you need adfly? And if no one has to pay, then why do you need premium memberships to get rid of the ads and wait time you don’t have? Odd.

Also, lets talk Adsense. I never said I had a problem with you having ads on your site; I said I had a problem with the TYPE of ads on your site. If you seriously don’t think your ads are in any way harmful, I’d suggest you take another look at your Adsense, because either it’s been hacked or you seriously don’t know what you’re doing. Oh, but that’s right, “Google will never display suspicious ADs“... Mmm hmm, you just go right on believe that. Yeh, it’s definitely not possible for Google to be hacked... Nope, definitely not.

Also, if you use your Adsense revenue to pay for your site.... what happens to the extra? Because based on your SimilarWeb page I can take a rough guess at how much you earn every month through Adsense alone and there’s no way your site costs that much to run. For that matter, where does all the extra revenue from Adfly, Short.st and this mysterious “other” go? And all the revenue you get from your premium subscriptions that you totally don’t charge people money for?...

Is that fish I smell?

You are not doing anyone any favours here, so stop pretending that you’re in this for anything other than money. Stop sharing content you’ve been asked REPEATEDLY to remove/not share and breaking EA’s and many creators TOUs!

If you’ve managed to make it this far, congrats lol I know this has been long and probably boring but thank you for taking the time to read the whole thing. All this post was meant to do was explain why people should not support Simsdom, and why I’m so disappointed in other Game Changers for promoting it, but it kind of got away from me a little.

Oh well, now you know what Simsdom is and why I will NEVER support them or willingly allow my content to be shared on their site. And if you do decide to still use their site, just... please be careful. My content will always be free and safe to download, just like the majority or CC creators here on Tumblr. Don’t pay for something you can get for free from the original source.

Also, if you’re looking for a Lana replacement (aka a good CC finds blogs that isn’t shady af like Simsdom) check out @maxismatchccworld!

- UPDATE -

This isn’t in relation to anything specific, just the situation as a whole. It seems Simsdom has just removed the search box from their website completely:

I’m sure it was totally legit reasons and not at all because they didn’t want anyone searching for their own content on the Simsdom website. Just like it wasn’t for that reason the last time too...

[charlotteu]

⟨ SON CHAEYOUNG. CIS FEMALE. SHE/HER. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, CHARLOTTE TAM is actually a descendent of H E P H A E S T U S it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY TWO year old CIVIL ENGINEERING/BUSINESS MAJOR from SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite PRECISE & TENSE.

heyheyhey girls gays & they’s. my og’s remember charlotte and how deeply i love her also the looming promise that i’d bring her back. and here are we so ✌️ if any of you don’t know, i’m dakota, i’m nineteen (19), i live in cst, and i’m a part time barista along with a full time political science major. i’ll have some vague wanted connections at the bottom of this but my dm’s are always open both on here and on discord @ wet ass politics#6969

trigger warnings: death

full name & nicknames :

charlotte chunhwa tam / lottie & lola

major :

civil engineering & business

sexuality :

lesbian

gender idenitity / pronouns :

cis - female / she/her

age / birthday :

twenty - three, december tenth, nineteen - ninety - eight

zodiac :

sagittarius

personality :

charlotte is known to find literal scraps of anything and manage to make something gorgeous from it - whether it’s food, metal scraps, or a nearly - ruined picnic table - it’s a skill that she takes great pride in. she constantly tries to bring her loved ones together in one form or another, which results in quite a lot of last - minute plans and “family dinners.” because of these two traits, if someone just happened to forget to plan a birthday party or a baby shower and needed it thrown together within a day or two (maybe that is on her bucket list, maybe not,) charlotte is your perfect person. regardless of this, charlotte is still considered that friend that never has their life together and has an extensional crises every few weeks. family wise, their relationship with their siblings is something that they take very seriously. even the ones that give her stress acne are still very much able to feel the affection and love she’s has for her family. she constantly checks in on all of her siblings and regularly makes an effort to be as involved in their lives as possible.

when it comes to school work, charlotte is perfectly organized. a well - planned and well - filled out academic calendar is always in her backpack and she has a few dozen notifications on both her phone and her laptop to remind her of class assignments. she is well - known at the tutoring center for her near constant sessions to ensure to that she is totally, a hundred percent getting the assignment. her math classes is where she thrives, and she has a record of taking several math classes during the summertime to further her knowledge. charlotte’s known for the immense pride that she takes in her work along with the very long academia career that they wish to have.

myers - briggs, vice, & virtue :

entp, temperance, & distrusting

hobbies :

welding, drawing, sculpting/general crafting, trivia games, meditation, going into nature & finding animals, 

powers :

sensing faults in metal ores, technokenesis, and pyrokinesis. charlotte considers her technokenesis powers to be the stronger of her abilities now that she’s taken the time to work on it since her break. she uses it to help both students and professors on campus deal with their I.T issues and to make small devices to help her friends in their way to help with their daily life. she plans to use her sensing abilities to help with her career choice later on in life, so she continues to work on improving them to help later on. with honesty, she doesn’t use pyrokinesis beyond helping her forge things or as a cute party trick. they have very few plans to ever venture beyond the walls of a protected area ever again so her ability to control whatever flames she makes under pressure is virtually nonexistent.

backstory :

         tam chaewon, aged thirty, had just finished her blacksmith apprenticeship abroad in the netherlands when she decides to go to a bar to celebrate with some friends before trying to find a job when she’s approached by a man claiming to overhear her accomplishment. eager to talk about her future, the two of them end up talking for three hours about it along with the various paths open for her to take. maybe it’s the willingness to sit and listen to her or maybe it’s the legitimacy in his interest that drew her in, but the two ended up spending the night together; they spend only two days together before he leaves with an address for chaewon to write to him if it’s needed. and she does, approximately two months later when she learns she’s pregnant with a baby girl. he writes back nothing but an apology, money to help with the expenses, along with a separate letter to give to the child when she turned ten. 

(trigger warning in the paragraph: death specifically during child birth.)         fast forward through a tornado of eight months and chaewon is visiting her parents when charlotte was born prematurely in seoul, south korea in chaewon’s childhood bathroom. there’s a complication with both chaewon and charlotte shortly the birth and the paramedics sped through the streets to pick up the two, doing their best to keep the two of them alive during the ride. the woman’s family races behind them in the family car, barely able to find the room the two are in to see the nurses rush ahead of them. (no one can tell charlotte what the complication is, but her mom stays alive for an gruesome day and a half, straddling the border between life and death. she’s declared dead on december eleventh at 12:18 pm, 1998.) legend has it that silence ran through the waiting room that the family was in, an unearthly wail leaving charlotte’s grandmother as she realizes what she had to pay to receive her granddaughter. no one wants to touch the child, let alone raise her. their family is faced with a choice when they’re handed the death certificate of their daughter, the birth certificate of their granddaughter, and their granddaughter herself.

           her uncle is the one that ends up taking her in that day. the oldest sibling to her mother by six years, he had been an entrepreneur bachelor his entire life up until that point. so it’s whiplash, to say the least, to completely upheave his life in seoul and move to the small town of parga, greece to raise charlotte. the transition period between being a bachelor to a single father is hard, but he does his best to not give up on it. along side the lack of support from his family, it makes it all such a draining process. when she turns six, her uncle hires the first person to help the family: a highly recommended local nanny by the name of phoebe who would stay with the tam family until charlotte turned eighteen. it’s around this time that her uncle begins to drift away more, trying to keep his business on track, but he always comes back with an elaborate apology and an equally elaborate gift for charlotte to make up for the digression. 

          when she turns twelve, she starts to develop ... slightly unusual powers that always came as a shock but were immediately chalked up to scarily accurate guesses. it’s a fun party trick she uses at classroom gatherings, guessing where faults where in desks, trying to figure out what was wrong with technology, etc. and it didn’t go much beyond that for a very long time. it’s a rainy summer day when her uncle sits her down with a strange man who explains to the both of them that she’s a ... demigod. it takes a whole afternoon to convince charlotte of this fact while her uncle looks at her like a monster. she promptly declines any move to go to a camp (much to her uncle’s dismay) and the next six years of her life is promptly laid out. a life lived in a private plane, tucked away from the world to live out of a few suitcases and bought time from others.

          this quiet life sealed away from the outside world leaves her doing whatever she can to keep busy. building whatever she can, trying to stay as occupied as much as she can. it results in a suitcase full of little trinkets by the time she’s six months into home schooling. the next few years of her life pass her by in a terrible haze as she does everything she can to catch up to the life that has been set out for her. her life begins to slow down when she gets into college at the age of nineteen, where she finally finds a safe haven amongst people like her. however, at the beginning of 2020, charlotte finds herself catching deep feelings for one EILILDH GALBRAITH. a fiery, vibrant, and resistant spirit immediately draws charlotte into deep feelings for her. the relationship happens for several months before the relationship comes to an abrupt halt in the end of october. unable to come to terms with her first major breakup, charlotte cites a personal, family matter to switch to online classes before coming back to in person at the end of finals shortly before the evacuation. 

wanted connections :

DREAMLAND / a v simple plot with room for extreme nuance! someone that charlotte can help bounce ideas off of and vise versa. enable each other’s terrible ideas but do it with much love and a camera on hand at all times. ( 0/2 spots taken )

HIT DIFFERENT / some type of fun flirtatious relationship. maybe they’re just friends, maybe they’re party buddies (for the rare parties that she goes to,) or maybe they just happen to keep meeting. hopefully it’s very relaxed on both ends. ( 0/1 spots taken, must be afab )

ALWAYS GOLDEN / best friends, ride or die type shit. can we get some friend group for it tho because i always love a good group dynamic ( 0/5 spots taken )

I DIDN’T FALL / some kind of missed love, like those missed connections on craiglist. maybe the two of them grew close during charlotte’s time away from university or maybe they almost dated before charlotte was out, either way there’s still some mixed feelings of resentment for not making a move, the deathly “what if’s?”, and mayhaps some feelings that still linger. ( 0/1 spots taken, must be afab )

SPORTS / someone who helped navigate charlotte through her own experience of coming out and how that fits into her cultural identity along and her career field. i have a decent idea of her coming out process but i’m definitely flexible with it ( 0/1 spots taken )

[fameliarity]

Protect Your Peace

 Hello, my name is Amelia Brown. I come to you from the ashes of an online semester. While the word "ashes" probably denotes something negative – I mean, yes it was really hard – I'd like to think it was a testament to making the most of hard times. Despite struggling to stay afloat in my online academics, I was left with a lot of time on my hands that I inevitably needed to fill or risk mental deterioration.

     I feel as if I should preface the details of my online semester with my quarantine experience. In March of 2020, I was sent home to Virginia from what was proving to be a promising semester. I had a renewed sense of purpose, starting the second half of my freshman year. I was waking up early to go to the library and getting fantastic grades as a result. I had an exercise schedule, friends – new and old – that I enjoyed being around. My time was filled to the brim. I felt extremely well-rounded and content.

    What do you do when you are stripped of such a well-balanced environment? Well, in my case, I attempted to replicate it in the confines of a one-story home. I was not exactly consistent with my studies. Many of my professors changed their curriculum to be asynchronous or moved due dates to weekly checkpoints. I let that accumulate quite a bit and suffered the consequences in what college students collectively endured for the first time: online finals week. It was a solid week of no showering, sitting at my dining room table or couch for hours, dressing in sweats with my hood up, and blocking out the noise in order to scrape by. My support system for this insane crunch time, other than looking like a sad, grey tele-tubby, was the intermittent breaks for weed and/or red wine that allowed my thoughts to flow more freely (and also maintained my sanity). The latter was a challenge that would prove harder once the semester came to a close. 

    Here's a follow-up question, what do you do to occupy your time at home when you no longer have school to worry about? Well, on top of copious amounts of weed-smoking, I took up old video game habits. There was one day, possibly right after I submitted all of my class-work, that I was sitting on the couch (incredibly high) with my family and decided that I needed a USB adapter for my computer to play Minecraft. I hadn't touched the game in over three years but I had this spiritual urge to start again – and start again I did. I logged many hours on a new server, building, making friends, and talking to other players on discord. It fulfilled the human interaction that I was lacking in the throws of quarantine. Additionally, I picked up spiritual practices that I had lost over the years. My dedication to this in particular was quite impressive over the summer. At my peak, I was meditating twice a day, for 45 minutes each time. Journaling was also a habit that I picked up in conjunction with meditation; they worked hand-in-hand in changing my mindset. It was my hope that all of these productive, self-actualizing habits would carry into school. 

    At this point, it may be unclear how this is all tied together. While not directly connected, it's a series of events that leads me to where I am now and one that maybe others can relate to. I was consistent with my new practices upon moving back to college. Somewhere along the way, I became distracted with so many other things. There was work, school, being with my people, and other bumps in the road that hindered my practices. So, when I finished this semester, I felt as though I had lost pieces of myself that I really valued. Academically, this semester was my best one yet; why did I feel so under-accomplished? The answer here is simple: I was unbalanced. 

    While I did well in my classes, I spent plenty of time with my friends, made my own money, and exercised regularly. Still, there was a missing puzzle piece. I had not spent time alone with my thoughts in productive ways – meditation, art, journaling, etc. This kind of alone time is not for everyone. I've learned it takes many different forms. Sometimes it's music, reading, video games, a workout, laying in bed, or a walk in nature – whatever fits the individual. The point is, no matter how extraverted you are, time to yourself, with your own thoughts (Eek!), is important to understand your mind and emotions. 

  So, maybe you're like me; you picked up new habits out of necessity. There was no way you were going to allow yourself to regress during the pandemic mentally, physically, academically, etc. The clock still moves forward and, though the entire world is in shambles, you still have progress to make. This is the go-getter mindset we all want to take but it's not realistic for everyone. When undergoing change, the brain can only handle so many stimuli while accommodating the new ones coming in. Put in plain English, this means that not everyone is so resilient with change. If you cannot consistently stay on top of your agenda during the pandemic, no one will blame you. You're not a failure, unsuccessful, or undeserving of love. If anything, you are a human responding to change to the best of your ability. The most important thing is that you are taking inventory of your feelings – recognizing and trying to understand them. Focus on protecting your individual peace. The other shit can come later.

[ruleroflimbo-a]

Magic Mentor || Discord

Events: Illyana struggles to control her magic on earth and meets Zatanna who helps her Date: 10 years ago Involved: Illyana Rasputin and Zatanna Zatara @mistressofmagic Mentioned: Kitty Pryde  Trigger warnings: child abuse mention tw (bc Belasco), fire tw Word count: 3,606

ZATANNA: It was like a pulse in magic when someone used it erratically. The well-versed magicians could keep those ripples so small that they went undetected. But ones that were finding their way into magic and struggling to manipulate it — their ripples became waves. Stirring the magic around them and creating a sort of beacon that someone like Zatanna (or the Sorcerer Supreme) could track. And what Zatanna was picking up on, was someone teleporting wildly across the world (and off of it, it seemed). The frequency was alarming and Zatanna had a bad feeling that if it went unchecked, it would get worse — whoever it was, was simply along for the ride, their powers were in control. And that was very dangerous.

So, she meditated. Focused on the energy and waited until the next wave came crashing through. Zatanna whispered the location she had felt it from backwards, and only opened her eyes once the spell had transported her. In front of her was a young woman, a teenager. Zee reached out, placing a hand on the girl’s shoulder, hoping to keep her firmly planted in her spot, or at least, be able to go with her if she teleported again. “How long has it been like this?” Zee backtracked quickly, putting a hand on her chest. “I’m Zatanna. I can help.”

ILLYANA: In Limbo Illyana had been able to use magic with ease but on earth the only thing she was able to do was astral projection and summon her soulsword. After some time she'd been able to also do simple magic like a warding spell but it was nothing like what she could do in Limbo. It happened suddenly, the witchfire summoned in her hand in the Danger Room, she'd been so shocked about it she almost hit another student with it. Things hadn't gotten much better after that, blowing up pillows in the common room of the institute, the worst was the shockwave of mystical energy she unleashed on the lawn outside of Xavier's, she didn't think anyone was seriously hurt... she didn't stick around to find out.

She teleported away quickly, her magic still going haywire so she didn't stop teleporting. Teleporting was also something she didn't have full control over which resulted in her teleporting all over, even to other planets. She knew her magic could make it easier for Belasco to find her if he was still looking for her, he'd already sent S'ym after her and she didn't want to risk him sending anyone else after her, at least not when she was around people she cared about She'd keep teleporting until she could get this under control.

Once again she'd blown something up, she wasn't sure what as it happened the second she teleported in. She was about the teleport once more when she felt a hand on her shoulder, she turned quickly, her sword summoned as she spun around to face whoever it was. She held her sword out against the stranger. Zatanna she introduced herself, Illyana didn't budge, keeping her sword levelled at her. "How did you find me?" She already knew how, but that meant this stranger must be familiar with magic too, was that what she meant when she said she could help? "I don't... I don't need help."

ZATANNA: It wasn’t the first time that a sword had been pointed at her, and it surely wouldn’t be the last. But it was the first that she felt a hum in the air around the sword. It was… something else. Zatanna raised her hands in surrender. There was no reason to push this young girl further into a position where she felt the need to fight for her life. At first glance, Zee was sure that magic must have been something new for her. Accessing it and not being able to stop herself after she opened that valve.

“When you use magic as much as you have in quick succession, it gives off a ripple. Other magic users, if they’re good, they can find you. I’ve been feeling your movements for a while, and at first I thought it was a one-off.” It wasn’t uncommon for people like Zatanna to end up in a conflict where they had to use absorbent amounts of magic. “But then you did it again, and again. And I realized that either there was a bigger war going on that I hadn’t picked up on… or someone wasn’t fully in control of how much they were using.” Zatanna had a similar issue when she was first starting out too, not realizing how much power she had until she was summoning monsters out of hats on accident.

“Then you’re doing this on purpose?” Zatanna asked, a brow arched, knowing full well that this girl wasn’t transporting herself throughout the world for fun. “You need training. You know how to access it but you don’t know how to control it. We all start somewhere, but you can’t do it alone. Or you shouldn’t. Not if you don’t have to, and you don’t have to.” She paused before putting a finger on the blade and gently pushing it, hoping the girl would put it down. ‘What’s your name?”

ILLYANA: The stranger spoke, answering her question about how she found her, Illyana had asked but she'd already known. She tried to focus on the woman's words but she was tired, her magic use along with using her teleportation powers over long distances was exhausting her. Illyana couldn't let her guard down though, not when Belasco might still be after her. "How do I know he didn't send you?" She did know though, if this woman was sent by Belasco she would have felt it, but with how tired she was she didn't trust herself to know for sure.

Illyana lowered her sword, not because she trusted the stranger, she didn't, far from it actually, but even just holding up her sword was too hard for her right now, instead she used it to make sure her legs wouldn't give out from under her. "I can control it" she could, she'd been doing this since she was six years old, she had used magic a lot of times, she should be in control, this shouldn't be happening "just... just not on earth" she sighed. She asked for her name which was another indicator that Belasco hadn't sent her, or maybe it was to trick her into thinking that, she didn't know, she couldn't be sure and she was tired, she just wanted to close her eyes and fall asleep right then. "Illyana."

ZATANNA: Things were coming to light quickly. This young girl was being followed by someone or something and Zatanna wasn’t sure which. “You don’t know that. And I doubt there is anything I can say that would convince you otherwise. But… maybe a spell could?” Zatanna wasn’t a fan of the force that it would show, but Zatanna could tell even in this short time that she wasn’t going to gain her trust simply by explaining herself. “I could cast a truth spell, temporary — it’d last a few minutes — but you could ask me that again?”

Not on Earth. That made sense why she was so tired and why she kept teleporting from place to place. “Then you can’t,” Zatanna clarified. “It’s okay that you don’t. But you need to learn how to at least stop teleporting so quickly — your body has limits.” She was sure that Illyana could feel it already. Magic came with a price. And it was often exhausting. Like draining a battery. “Illyana,” Zee said her name gently. “How many times have you teleported today?”

ILLYANA: A truth spell, Illyana wasn't a fan, Belasco had used one when he thought she was lying to him and if she was... well, it didn't matter anymore. She wasn't a fan but maybe, in this case, it would be best, she could know for certain if Belasco had sent her or not and if he hadn't... she could help Illyana control her magic on earth, help her so whenever she tried to use magic here her Darkchylde side wouldn't manifest, it was worth a shot. "Okay" she nodded "cast the spell," she kept a tight grip on her sword, just in case.

"Teleporting is my mutant power" though that was always done with stepping disks and if she was using her mutant power she was sure she would have ended up in a different time period by now, had she really used magic to teleport instead? It would explain why she was so tired, using her mutant power many times in a row was draining too but not like this. "I- I don't know" she replied as she tried to remember just how many times it was, "ten, maybe... at least."

ZATANNA: There was a flicker on Illyana’s face, and Zatanna found herself nodding her head. It wasn’t the kind of magic that Zatanna would have encouraged to be used regularly. (It bordered on mind control, in her opinion.) But she had offered — and she wasn’t about to back down now. “I lliw yas gnihton tub eht hturt rof eht txen evif setunim.” And now, the truth was a compulsion. At least for the next five minutes. “My magic relies on me saying what I want backwards. You have five minutes to ask your questions.”

Ten times. Ten times and it was supposed to be her mutant power — which didn’t necessarily mean it couldn’t tax her body, but generally, mutants got more use out of their abilities before they experienced this much fatigue. Normally, at least. But nothing about this encounter was normal so far. “I don’t think I would have been able to track you so easily if it were just your mutant power. You’re boosting it with something else, intentionally or not.”

ILLYANA: She wasn't familiar with magic users who had say their spell backwards, then again she hadn't met many magic users outside of Belasco and Ororo. Illyana tried to think of a way to phrase the question so there was no way to give a half truth, some people were very good at technically telling the truth so even with the spell she wanted to make sure she asked the right question. "Did Belasco, the former demon Lord of Limbo, send you?" She asked eventually, there was no doubt about who she was talking about now so if Zatanna said no then Illy would trust she had no connection to him.

"I don't know" she said, though Zatanna was probably right, something was different now when she teleported than when she did with her mutant power, for one she hadn't gone through Limbo once which she always had to go through when using her stepping disks. "I just... I needed to get away fast before someone got hurt."

ZATANNA: She recognized the name. It was an immediate realization that took Zatanna by surprise. She had heard of him multiple times, but she had never encountered him. Not personally, at least. There was no reason to doubt that this was the man Illyana was running from though, and her question gave even more information to Zee. She must have learned how to control her magic in Limbo. And the rules there were different. “Belasco didn’t send me. I’ve never had the misfortune to have actually meet him in person.” It was more information than Illyana needed, but it was the truth.

“If you keep getting away the way you are, you’re going to exhaust yourself until you pass out.” Which was only one fragment of Zatanna’s worry. “And that might not be concerning, but how are you controlling where you land?” That was the major concern. From what Zatanna had seen, Illyana was landing without any direction. And if she weren’t careful, she’d end up stuck someplace. Zatanna inhaled, thinking it over for a moment. “What are you thinking about when you teleport?”

ILLYANA: Belasco hadn't sent her but she had heard of him, Illyana wondered what she had heard of him but she doubted any of it would come close to what she had experienced as his apprentice. "Do you- do you know what these are?" She asked as she pulled the bloodstone amulet out from under her shirt and opened it, three of the bloodstones were in place but there were two missing from the pentagram.

"I've been teleporting for a few years now" Illyana replied, though that was with her mutant power, which she still had some trouble controlling, mostly when it came to what time she ended up in. "My team, Katya, my brother... that I need to keep them safe from- from me."

ZATANNA: Her gaze fell to the amulet that Illyana revealed. “Oh.” The sound slipping from her lips before she could stop it. “Bloodstones,” Zatanna supplied, her gaze snapping back towards Illyana’s face. “They’re like… physical manifestations of souls. Shards of them, really.” Which meant Illyana had pieces of a person or some people hanging around her neck.

“If you keep getting away the way you are, you’re going to exhaust yourself until you pass out.” Which was only one fragment of Zatanna’s worry. “And that might not be concerning, but how are you controlling where you land?” That was the major concern. From what Zatanna had seen, Illyana was landing without any direction. And if she weren’t careful, she’d end up stuck someplace. Zatanna inhaled, thinking it over for a moment. “What are you thinking about when you teleport?”

ILLYANA: "Yeah" she nodded "they were created from my soul by Belasco" two of them anyway, Illyana had created one of them herself under his guidance. "He wanted to use me to release the Elder Gods of Limbo" if she had heard of Belasco she might have heard of them too and she would know how serious and important it was that the Elder Gods remained in their prison.

She almost had hurt them, if she hadn't teleported away she would have, she had to get away before she hurt someone. "I did lose control" though really she'd never had control of her magic on earth, only in Limbo. "I-I don't know" ever since she came back from Limbo the one thing she feared was her demon side, that she would lose control over it and her friends would suffer for it.

ZATANNA: She could feel the heat in her veins. Anger, as Illyana described who she was to Belasco. She was nothing more than a sacrifice. Something to be used so that he could gain more power. But she wasn’t surprised either. He was a bastard, this was just a different level of bullshit, even for him. Bloodstones hadn’t been something she had been trained in, perhaps Constantine would know. Elsa definably would but tracking her down was always difficult. Like Zee, she traveled too much between dimensions.

“Illyana,” Zee said her name again, reaching out to touch the young woman’s shoulders. “You’re losing control because you’re afraid. It’s a vicious cycle that feeds itself because each time you make a mistake, that fear comes back up and it happens again.” The only thing that would help, in Zee’s opinion, was more training. On the surface rather than in Limbo. “Take a deep breath, and focus.” She paused briefly before looking Illyana in the eyes. “If anything happens, I can stop you. You and your friends are safe. I promise.”

ILLYANA: "It's only missing two in order to release the Elder Gods" Illyana said as she closed it and put it back under her shirt. She'd managed to beat Belasco before he could complete the amulet but that didn't mean he had given up, one day he would be back and try to claim the bloodstone amulet and Illyana. "Have you ever seen the bloodstone spell in action?" Not many had, even fewer had been subjected to it, least of all three times and still lived. "The process is... painful" honestly that was an understatement but she wasn't sure how to describe how it felt.

Normally she would have moved away from the physical contact, especially from someone she had just met but this time she didn't, maybe it was enough she knew Belasco hadn't sent her, maybe it was because she was just so tired. You and your friends are safe. She wanted to say as long as they were around her they would never be safe, even if the danger didn't come from Illyana then it would come from whoever Belasco decided to eventually send after her, she kept it to herself.

She took a deep breath and tried to focus like Zatanna told her, but all she could focus on was her brother's dead body in Limbo, Cat's neck snapping in her hands, Ororo's blood staining her hands as she plunged the knife into her heart. Her eyes started glowing, flickering back and forth between orange and white energy.

ZATANNA: It got worse. They were shards of Illyana’s soul. Belasco had taken a child and robbed her of pieces of herself so that he could release the Elder Gods. He wanted power and control, and he was willing to do anything to make sure that he had that. “I haven’t,” Zatanna confessed. She had read up them briefly and had some vague knowledge of them, but that sort of magic was left in the hands of John. Someone who had spent the better part of his life chasing down magic like that.

Illyana was focusing but she wasn’t focusing on anything good. It was clear by the color in her eyes that flickered as her magic flared up again. “Stop,” Zatanna said softly. “Don’t focus on memories or people, focus on what is around you. The ground beneath your feet. The way the rocks move when they brush against your shoes, the wind on your face. Focus on the here.” Zee knew that if Illyana spiraled too far into this, Zee would have to chase her again, follow her to wherever she might accidentally end up this time and it could take her another few weeks to actually catch up with her. “Plant yourself here, Illyana. You can do it.”

ILLYANA: "Lucky you" Illyana had only been six the first time the bloodstone spell had been used on her and around eleven the last time. She wasn't the first child Belasco had tried to use to release the Elder Gods but Illyana had made sure she was the last. He'd fled Limbo after their fight but had still sent S'ym after her and endangered the other New Mutants and she was sure eventually he would send someone else.

"I-I can't" she tried to focus on what Zatanna told her to but she couldn't, her glowing eyes continued to flicker between white and orange while her hand not holding her sword had summoned the green witchfire. She needed to go to Limbo, where she could control her magic, it was the only way to keep her friends safe from herself and her magic.

ZATANNA: Frowning, Zatanna shook her head. “This isn’t the time for sarcasm. I’m trying to help but the only thing I have to use here is the information that you give me.” The training she was offering was the same way, if Illyana wanted it — it would work. But if she shoved it away as readily as she was pushing now? It wouldn’t work. No matter how much time they put in.

“Stop saying you can’t. I don’t want to hear that again.” Training started now for Illyana. And it wouldn’t be easy. (Being magic in any sense of the word wasn’t easy.) “You can do this, you need to focus.”

ILLYANA: "I'm trying" Illyana said, she was just so tired, she'd exhausted herself with the rapid teleportations she had done earlier. Focus it was what Ororo told her, it was what Belasco told her but everything seemed so much easier in Limbo than it did here on earth. The witch fire continued to grow, the green flames crawling up Illyana's arm. She closed her eyes, trying to focus before she lost control of her magic completely. She focused on what Zatanna had told her, the wind, the ground, anything that was here and the flames stopped growing, retreating back to the palm of her hand.

ZATANNA: There was a moment where Zatanna wasn’t sure if her words were able to reach Illyana. Where the fire started tracking up Illyana’s arm and Zee was thinking about what kind of spell she could use to make it stop before she ended up in the line of fire. But then Illyana’s breathing slowed down, and the flames started to retreat. The moment of danger finally passing. “You did it,” Zee told her, a faint smile on her face. “You can control it. You just need a little help.” And with that, Zee extended her hand, all Illyana had to do was take it.

ILLYANA: She wasn’t sure she would be able to control it but she did, the flames retreating to her palm and eventually extinguished when Illyana closed her hand into a fist. She wasn’t good at asking for help or accepting it, but if she wanted to keep herself from hurting her friends with her magic she would need help to control it and Zatanna had already proven she could help her with it. Illyana looked at the extended hand for a moment, it should be an easy decision but still it took her a minute before she finally took Zatanna’s hand and accepted her offer of helping her control her magic on earth.

[grimoire-of-geekery]

I’m No Angel: An Update and Some Stuff Regarding Pedestals and Pits

Hey guys.

So I’d say I was sorry for not updating more regularly, but honestly, I’m so overwhelmed with everything I’ve been doing and everything that’s been going on in this world that I’m just not able to muster any sort of contrition.  I’m a fairly private person by nature, even if I try to be personable and reachable.   Sometimes filling out the mental questionnaire about “how are you feeling, what are you up to, who and what matters to you right now” and sharing it is just a lot more exhausting than it probably needs to be.

Some of that is because I run a blog that’s focused on a body of work and interest that is very specific, and I don’t really feel comfortable with posting personal stuff on my professional blog.  That’s not what we’re here for.  Well, I know that’s what some of you are here for, some of you follow my blog as a way to stay close to me as a person, and y’all know who you are, and you know I really appreciate the support.  The rest, however, are here because they found my articles and my books and stuff, and they want to stay connected or involved in the work itself, for their own reasons and in their own ways.

That fact all on its own makes me incredibly happy.  I’m a geek, and people who share my love and passion for my geeky subjects are hard to find, because I’m so specifically focused, so it’s wonderful to have people to talk with and share with.  And I’m super grateful for the people who have shown support for my creative works, like Pack of Cards and the Clow Book and things like that.

If these are the things which brought you here, then I’m glad, and you have my gratitude.  They’re what this blog, my side blogs, and my Patreon are about.  I hope you continue to enjoy what I produce, and I hope you continue asking the thoughtful and insightful questions I’ve come to look forward to reading in my inbox and my message feed.

Just, keep in mind, I’m a person.  I’ve got personality flaws, I try real hard and don’t always succeed or hit the mark, and I often make mistakes.  Nobody is more aware of this than I am, and as a result, I get very nervous any time people start telling stories about me.

And I’m talking good stories or bad ones.  The good ones, I feel like I’m pressured to live up to, like I need to start getting used to rarified air and elevated status, which makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable.  That discomfort is compounded by my equal dislike of being vilified or thrown down into a pit via someone’s narrative.  The bad stories make me feel like I need to start sharpening weapons and preparing for trouble.

There’s this weird thing that happens with me and friends, which I and those close to me call “Angel or Devil Syndrome.”  Throughout my life, a large number of people have followed a pattern where they get close to me, and lift me up onto a pedestal, treating me like their angel of providence or something (rarely with any sort of warning, or discussion or consent on my part).  This lasts until they decide I’ve violated their sense of good in some way (again, rarely with any input from me), and then they cast me down into a pit and treat me like the devil.  To be fair, some people move straight to demonizing me, and obviously others don’t do this at all, because I’m not really relevant in their life.  Unfortunately, both the “angel” treatment and the “devil” treatment are common enough that aside from a few lovely exceptions in my life, I have had to be really wary of who I get close to, and how far I let them in.  Because as we know from folklore, the Devil is supposed to be a fallen angel, so either way, I get treated like something I’m not, and often the backlash falls upon my family and friends.

And I’m not okay with that.  With any of it.

Like, I realize everyone has the right to like or dislike people, but after nearly forty years of dealing with unearned notoriety and irrational-and-often-seemingly-disingenuous accolades, I can confidently say that not only do I not like people doing this, I also don’t think any of it is healthy.

Just in the last three months, I’ve dealt with two preposterous “rumors” about me and my family, one which could have proven very hurtful to people I care about.  And these rumors came from people whose narrative was that they cared about me, and they were trying to “help.”

Rumors and gossip aren’t help.  And it’s not as if it’s hard to find out what’s going on with me.  I’m not that much of an enigma, guys.  I’m pretty much what it says on the tin.  I’m often cranky, occasionally snide, I value humor and hope and romance, and I’m prone to strong emotions and fits of something like artistic expression.

I like good people and bad witchy fiction, I’m a lover of music and contemporary/modern fantasy.  I’m queer, half-Latino, polyamorous, and not at all a fan of bigotry or nihilistic rhetoric or effete behavior.  I prioritize practical results and that which is relevant right now over ambition or ancient history (which I also love in a geeky way, but not in a way which insists it be put on the top of my list).

I think all of this should be apparent, and if it isn’t, I dunno how to make it clearer.

If a person sees these qualities as admirable, great, so long as nobody sees them as supernatural.  If a person sees them as contemptible, that’s fine, so long as they don’t make their opinion into a problem for my life or the lives of those I love.

If I were to advise anyone getting close to me, I would say three things: don’t think of me as a paragon, don’t treat me like a monster, and consent is 100% required on all levels, so ask for it before you trespass all over my boundaries.

I don’t feel like any of those are unrealistic, y’know?  And I’m at the point in my life where I’m really uninterested in people demanding explanations or trying to poke at me like I owe them answers.  Questions, I like.  Polite inquiry is the best thing ever.  Rumor-mongering, malicious gossip, and drama cycles are not something I want as part of my life anymore.  I’m theatrical, but the capes and the sparkly glitter are for fun and mood, not for stealing spotlights or seizing narratives, and if any of you are experiencing a situation where someone is doing either of those things, please please please get away from them.  And definitely don’t involve me and mine.

Now, an update, since it seems like people were interested:

I’m still working on my next book, Paper Bones.  It’s an uphill struggle, it’s not as easily written as Pack of Cards was.

I’m also working on my Patreon, and helping to maintain our community on Discord, Zoom, Second Life, and other locations.

I’m teaching more classes than I have in a long time, and it’s pretty tiring, though I do find the work to be its own reward.

I’m hanging out with my family and friends I’ve been sheltering with.  They make me feel safe and loved.

I’m working on a new podcast, and that’s a struggle all on its own, as I don’t find myself as charismatic as I did the combination of myself and Felix, which is a pretty sore subject right now.  In any case, I hope to have at least one episode out this month.

That’s about it.  No plans of saving the world or dominating it.  I just wanna live my life, do my work, practice my Craft and find joy with my loved ones.  Things are scary right now, and I’m committing myself to protecting and nurturing those places and people which love and sustain me, and working to protect other people’s rights to have the same happiness I think we all deserve.

Feel free to ask questions if you’ve got them, any time.  I’m happy to help in whatever way I can.

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(1/2)🐛? (on mobile cant find your faq sorry) My mom raped me for years and i recently escaped now that im 18. I didnt remember the sexual abuse when i made the decision to leave but i randomly realized it a few months later. I have found little support and therapy for an hour a week is all i can afford but is not enough. I am at the end of my rope with my trauma and DID and i dont know what to do. The biggest issue is the overwhelming shame, and feeling like i deserved it.

(2/2)🐛 I keep falling into saying it didn't happen/wasn't that bad/others had it worse to the point I get sick when I deny it too much. An alter keeps saying the rest of us are lying and mom is a good person and we should go back. I feel like I made everything up because I read a lot of noncon fic to try to punish myself. Every grounding technique I have tried has failed. Sorry, I know this is a lot. Any resources for female survivors of maternal incest? Or any advice at all? I feel so alone.

Hello,

I’ll separate this into parts to hopefully help with converting clear information. 

Denial, believing it’s fake. 

Fake memories, or just “made up” memories do not happen commonly,  [information here The False Memory Myth & Memory Repression].  there is nothing wrong with feeling that way however, self-denial and downplaying of our one trauma is really common. 

Having “denial of parts/alters” is really common. I personally have DID as well and we have alters who deny our abuse, blame our abuse or have a deep attachment to our abusers. That is so normal! You are not alone, In this struggle. If you have any internal communication you can talk to the other alters who share this trauma for support these internal connection are god for recovery. 

If you have the stability or any parts wh are good at working with there might also am them why they feel the need to defend the mother. communicating can also help ease your feeling of overwhelming and denial. 

One key way to help with downplaying of abuse is to imagine a friend came to you and told you what happened to you happened to them. And think about what you would tell them, I bet it’s not. “it wasn’t bad” or “well other people got it worse”. 

When you have worked out the kind of compassionate language, start picture the little girl inside you who went through the trauma. This can include talking to some of your young alters if you have any communication methods with them. Sometimes pulling them forward through focusing on your internal child might happen and sometimes those with DID can access the internal child through more basic IFS (internal family system) and Part Work methods. And offer them compassion for what they are going through. 

Shame

When you find thoughts of shame start to spiral, not the thoughts and the feelings in your body. But then take a long breath and work to not identify with that thought. The emotion and thoughts exist but you don’t have t push yourself to think about it r feel it. Picture the emotion and try and let it pass.

Working towards self neutrality is also a good goal. Refraimging the language you use to talk about yourself, and in your case, your alters, to something that lacks overly negative connotation ill help change the schemas of shame.  Coping Skills: Ditch Value judgments

Those words of compassion we talked about early when you find yourself starting to feel so down on yourself and shameful try saying these words to yourself. Along with some positive self aspirational mantras, you can help start to reshape the patterns your neurology follows. You won’t believe them at first but saying these will help with healing. 

Practising good self-care can be super important. When we can treat our body with honesty and respect that helps shape our internal sense of being respected and being care for. It’s also just good for general depression and health. [Coping Skills Masterposts: Self-Care]

I know how hard things like showers can be but starting with just tooth brushing and face washing can be important. If brushing of teeth is a trigger I suggest buying a smaller toothbrush like a kids size and changing toothpaste to one tat either foams less, is another colour or if the taste carries. Using baby whips or a wet cloth to areas like the groin, armpits, under breasts and behind knees would be another important step towards overall health. 

Keeping the living space as neat as possible also counteracts feelings of overwhelming shame and self-esteem issues.

The use of sexual material to cope

When we struggling to deal our tendency to self-harm is very common as it’s a maladaptive attempt to cope. Using the stories as a way to in your words punish is a form of self-injurious behaviour. Factors like lack of regulation, compulsive behaviour, intrusive thoughts and being manipulated by users to believing this is a reaction to perceived threats. [Coping Skills: Combating Self-Harm Urges]

This doesn’t invalidate abuse as having been abused is not contingent in never interacting with sexual content, up to and including having sex, afterwards. CSA often predates other unhealthy sexual behaviours as a reaction to our sexual traumas. No way our trauma reactions show mean our abuse didn’t happen or didn’t hurt us deeply. 

Coping Skills

 It makes sense a lot of the mainstream grounding is hard and lack effectiveness. Much of the meditative type skills intensify dissociation. We also often struggle with our automatic nervous systems being even more fractured than those with PTSD. Our neurological behaviour will also be more likely to take any stress or confusion and push us to dissociate. Visualization also tends to work poorly for many of us with dissociative disorders for the same issue of a tendency to dissociate. Focusing on a singular self to ground into can also become hard for us too and trigger depersonalization. 

If there are skills you liked in theory and didn’t have direct negative effects it might be worth trying them again. I do understand the frustration I really really do but it can be worth it. especially as you learn what coping skills can work with different somatic sensations and cognitive distortions. 

I would suggest using some of the most basic coping methods of deep breathing. I would guess this already takes a lot of brainpower as even basic things like breathing regularly can be hard for those who have extreme dissociation. So it takes a huge amount of practice for us and time for it to be effective but it’s so very important. 

I would suggest still trying to practice focusing on our body sensations even if we don’t add the subsequent suggestions for grounding. Knowing what sensations tend to present themselves when certain stimuli and thoughts are present is really important for coping. It can be true that the coping skill you are working at isn’t addressing where you are. For examples, our nervous system can be in hyperarousal but many grounding skills counteract hyperarousal. So try and look for engagement over relaxation or visa versus.

I am a big believer in the body-mind connection and import of the brain-body connection and coping that is body focused. Cogntive skills like thought stopping and replacing can be truly helpful in the short term for trauma survivors.   

Talk to your alters as well, coping can be influenced by the emotions land somatic states trauma we are carrying along with the ones within our consciousness. They might also just have opinions on what you ought to do. This can be done internally or through other means like writing notes. 

Mother-daughter incest

I have found very little survivor orientated material that could be helpful, I found mostly news sources about how it exists and academic texts.  

If any of our community knows of survivor focused materials for survivors of mother-daughter incest please reply or submit them. 

We do have a discord that you could join and we have an incest support channel we are still growing the members of the server but it might be a place to have peer support. 

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[publishinggoblin]

How to Run a Kickstarter pt 6

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Yesterday I covered the final steps you have to take on their website before you can submit your project to be ready for launch. So today... we do it.

                            LAUNCHING YOUR PROJECT

Make Sure People Know: By now, you should have been sharing the project preview link around a bunch. You can see on the project preview page itself how many people have actually hit the “Notify me on Launch” button. Note that while that number might even look big-- big enough to fund you day one-- it is tricky.

It’s not that people are liars. It’s not that they actually hate the project. It’s just that hitting a button that says “notify me” is so much less of a commitment than actually going and pledging your money. It’s like when people say “Oh my gosh this design is awesome, if it was on a shirt I’d buy it!” It’s a throwaway motion of support, meant to make you feel good and loved and seen. It’s almost always done with love. That being said, you will probably have a 20-30% conversion rate of people ACTUALLY backing it from that notify number. Don’t be discouraged. This is normal.

Pick a Good Time: Do not launch at 1 AM. Do not launch at 11 PM. Consider your time zones a bit if you think most of your backers will be international, but otherwise try for sometime in the late morning or around noon. People are active on the internet during lunch time, and shortly after work, around 5 or 6pm. Also consider the date while you’re doing it. A Kickstarter around Christmas sounds nice, but then you consider that you won’t actually get the item to them until AFTER Christmas, and it doesn’t sound as nice of a time. Last I looked, October is one of the best months, but otherwise you should feel free to launch almost whenever. I’d just avoid November/December/January, personally.

When You Launch, POST EVERYWHERE: Have a twitter? A tumblr? A facebook? A reddit? Post on your own wall, make a tweet, tumble a tumbl, then find communities on reddit, on facebook, groups on pillowfort, all your discords-- wherever you are. Make sure everyone you have any connection to knows you launched.

Then do it again. You should be doing it around noon, around 5/6pm, and again in the morning the next day. Rinse and repeat. Some people might see the multiple posts and be annoyed, but most people won’t see any, or will just happen upon one of them. You’re less annoying than you think.

This is different for groups, circles, or reddits you are not a regularly active member of, or who have rules of any kind. BE MINDFUL! If you break their rules spam posting, you will lose that avenue entirely for sharing your post in.

                   AFTER LAUNCHING YOUR PROJECT

Your Work Has Just Begun: Reach out to online blogs, websites, review places for your product type, and begin pitching your project to them immediately. If they can do a story with a link to your campaign, perfect. For most of the bigger ones, this is actually something to do BEFORE launching, as they have a backlog of articles. Try to line it up to match your launch if you can, and make sure they have your project preview link, as that will go to your project once it’s live.

Day 1 is the most important. As noted before, it creates the standard for how visible your project will be on their site, since their algorithm cares about unique backer count per day. So the more people you get day 1, the more visible you are day 2, and the more likely you get more people just perusing which feeds into the cycle. Make day 1 count. Be active. Post a lot.

You will want to post once a day or so on your various social media about the state of your campaign, how much money you are away from the goal (or how many backers, ie “We need just 10 more people to make our goal, are you one of those 10?”), or from the next stretch goal.

Then there’s all the management to do.

Following the Numbers: Do not watch a pot. It won’t boil. But do feel free to check in from time to time to see how the pot is doing. Basically? Check in hourly on the first day to see how the money/backer count is going. After that, you can check a few times a day, but don’t make it overly habitual. You will burn out and begin to over worry. 

Cancellations: You will have people pledge, only to later cancel, sometimes the same day! Unless you get a ton of them all at once, you didn’t do anything wrong. It always happens. People realize they want that money for something else, won’t have that money when they need it, or just couldn’t afford it in the first place. It’s okay, don’t take it personally. 

Post Updates: I prefer to post one update at the end of the first 24 hours, when we meet the base funding goal (and each stretch goal), and otherwise once a week. Some campaigns update each day. This is up to you, but make sure you are posting some. If you post none, it looks like a dead campaign with no one watching it. Do be mindful that each one you post sends an email out to backers, so don’t spam, and avoid doing multiple a day if you can help it. 

If you are getting lots of questions in comments or direct messages, answer them in updates as well as replying to those comments and messages.

Comments and Messages: Kill them with kindness. Some people say shitty things, and you need to just smile through it. Mostly you’ll get compliments in comments. Reply to them! Show them you are engaged. Same with messages.

Note that you will get lots of messages from people claiming their can boost your numbers if you sign up with them. Report it for spam and never, ever reply. They have basically all been shown to be scams. 

The Lull: After the first few days, or the first week, the campaign tends to stagnate a bit. You keep getting more people or money, but way less than before. This is normal. It will pick up again near the end. You can afford to be a little more lax in posting about it at this period to give people a cool down from your constant marketing. 

Keep it Fresh: If you have stretch goals, now is the time to really bust them out and show what they are. Change your marketing to be about what else can be unlocked. If your campaign is struggling to hit its mark halfway through, now is the time to include an extra incentive or two. Find things that are price-negligible or free to include-- such as your signature on every copy, a PDF for everyone of something else you made, or an extra digital copy. 

That Final Week: If the first few days are the most important, the final few are equally so. You will often see almost as many people or as much money, as you begin to ramp up your promotion again and as people who favorited the project will get notifications in the final 48 hours by email that the project is nearly ended, and now is the time to back.

It’s okay to become annoying during this time. Post a ton. It’s almost over, so people won’t have to live through it for too long.

Then it ends. If you were successful, congratulations! If you weren’t-- that’s okay! Take a look at the numbers, what happened? Was it a lackluster first day? Then next time, you need to capture more people’s attention before launch. Build up a following, and try again later.

If you realize you set the goal too high? You can always relaunch with a lower goal that’s more attainable, and let people from this campaign know.

In either case, ABSOLUTELY POST AN UPDATE WHEN IT ENDS.

Tomorrow, we talk about what to do AFTER the Kickstarter ends.

[sozotohakai]

Chris Love Letter

In theory it is like follow forever posts, but Love Letter felt more fitting~

It’s also been forever since I’ve done something like this, it’s high time I bury with love people!

Do know I’m honestly awkward with this kind of thing, my mind likes to blank out when I try to actually word compliments. Taking my time helped, but yeah, the Chris is awkward with words, would you believe that.

Read more because, as you might guess, it got long.

Organizing was hard because the “lines” are very thin, and everyone in this list has made a different impact on me. You’re all people I’m happy to have met, and enjoy whichever level of interaction we have~

Heart Family

Those who carved their way deep into my heart~

@skyfullofashes : We’ve called each other pack for a while now (and gosh I dont even recall how it was before knowing you), I’m so happy to know you and anytime I hear about anyone who hurt you, past or present, I feel my inner dragon twitch. You’re so lovely, you’ve been there for me so often, and I wish more people took the time to get to know you, you’ve been hurt so often and I deeply wish for you to receive love, I’m certainly going to make sure you never forget you’re part of my family. You’re loyal, you don’t take nonsense, and we’re both exactly the kind of people who can be hurt by others, find ourselves in situation where, for some reasons, others will hurt us. But that’s why we understood each other very early, and why I’ll do my best to always be there for you <3 Don’t get me started on how creative you are, especially with Heaven&Hell. I feel like I’ll never know enough, and I’ll always want to hear more about it, and all your ideas. I still feel awed at how much our Kanda&Allen developped, how much I love our Yullen, and melt at all the family feels with Michael and everyone.

@ask-cross-marian : I feel like we know each other so much, yet it is fun to realize that most that we know of each other, slipped through as we spazzed and chat and yelled about our muses. It feels so nice and so natural, how we just, slotted into place, as rp partners and as friends. I legit can’t remember a time I didn’t know you. You’ve certainly been there for me quite a few times, and I do hope I’ve given to you back, and that you know you are part of those I hold dearest and I’ll always be there for you. We’re both hilariously able to poof away for a while, and yet we always come back, and this is such a nice feeling. I love when you talk about your muses&OCs, and all our interactions make me a puddle of melted fluff. We also often ended up joking around, and I adore this so much!

@piamio : Sometimes I still recall when I was following you, thinking about I’d love to befriend you, and I marvel that it did happen, that we started talking and connected so well together. You always do your best, to feel you improve, to feel you’re doing better, and I see it happen and hope you can see it too. You’ve always been good, but I’ve seen you notice things, realize things, and I’m happy for you, and wish you the best. You’re a lovely person, a great artist, you’re creative, you have ideas for stories as much as you have talent for arts, and talent that seem within us is great, but you’ve also worked hard for your talents and you should never forget that. I feel offended for you when anyone so much as suggests you aren’t doing enough, or not doing well. I want to take them, shake them, and have them see you as I see you.

@alteriius: Among my heart family, I do believe we’ve known each other longest (no, no, I didn’t totally checked my archive to make sure; as it is its indeed in the first two/three weeks I had made Allen’s blog that we started threading!). It’s always been easy talking with you, and you’ve always made me feel safe. We’ve joked together, vented together, helped each other, and sometimes I still spazz with the hope&wish you’ve felt as happy knowing me as I am knowing you. I’ve lost contact with a lot of people once they stopped rping, and so I felt glad when it didn’t happen with us; but then again, I already knew long ago that to rp or not rp woudln’t change anything. I find it very funny, in a good way, that at some point we shifted to the group chat and stayed there, when I want to share with you I share with you both. Sometimes we’ve used our 1x1 chat I think? But yeah, its so fun how we just, went there and stayed there. That might be because we’ll tend to spazz a lot, and we happily spazz us three.

@skytroops : Gosh, I have to wonder, how many years has it been since we first met? I know I made Satoshi years ago for the first time, and I guess the best way to guess is whether or not you’ve known me when I was still in college, or recently out of college. My bet, however, is that we met somewhere in 2013. I certainly recall, however, how much fun we’ve always had speaking about our muses, about our verse, how much we built together, so much that even now, TR!Satoshi still exist as a muse (if now small). And even with hiatus, we never stopped coming back at each other. I hope you know you’re friend for life, someone I very much took under my wing and into my pack <3

Dear Friends

Those who I deeply appreciate and care about, not far from being heart family too~

@chibi-usapyon : We’ve gotten along so well, and it’s so fun how much we can chat about anything and everything. You’re so, lively and friendly, it feels like you have every positive/fun way of approaching, the way you chat always make me feel like you are a bubble of happy energy. It feels like we’ve been bonding well and it’s gotten stable, like you know, the initial thrill has shifted to a calmer thrill. I do have a hard time opening up, and because people have often be friendly, I don’t quite realize I’m considered a friend until I’m told. I’ve always enjoyed our chatting, I knew I wanted to chat with you more, but when you first clearly told me you saw me as a friend, I paused and felt a bubble of happiness. You’re my friend too, and I’m glad we met!

@lascivus : Can we take a moment to tease a certain person about how I’m pretty sure we’ve known each other more through our common friend than by chatting? We’re admitedly both shy, and I can recall at the start, I was shy to chat with you, and in the group chat. But soon enough, and totally through nerding, it just felt natural. That’s probably why I always end up in the group chat, I want to share with you as much as I share with Allen and so, group chat! But I do know you, through chatting and twitter and dash, and I’m awkwardly bad at realizing if someone consider me so, but I hope you don’t mind that I call you a dear friend~

Lovely people

Those I know in various degrees, that I’m glad to have met, who I love when I chat with them, and simply to see them~

@avellaturortem : You’re one of the few people that I’ve rped with for a while who is still around, and I’m super glad we still regularly talk, and I enjoy so much our threads, all the ideas we’ve thrown at each other. If you ever need, I’ll always be happy to listen to you about anything~

@manadcampbellrpblog : You’re such a sweetie, and I’ve seen how you sometimes feel shy to speak to me, but I hope you know you can always talk to me, and come back to me. I’ll always be happy to see your replies, but more importantly I’m glad to chat with you. You’ve always been very sweet, and I can practically feel how nervous not being an english speaker make you. I still recall when english wasn’t as easy as it is now, but never be afraid to speak and try and learn!

@shensheng-aoman : Listen, I don’t think we quite expected for Talon&Allen to slay us with adorableness, but they do and I love when we chat about them, but also just to chat with you. You’re lovely and it’s always a pleasure to see you around. Sometimes I spazz so much while wondering if it’s okay, but then I see you tell me you enjoy it, and I welcome you to spazz with me too~

@shuoshuzhe : The moment you told me you also knew DGM, I swear I grinned so hard. You’ve been adding so many muses too, and I know I’ll eye them sooner or later more. We’ve gotten some great threads started, and I’m eager to do these and more in the future. And then before we knew it, we’ve gotten deep into chatting MDZS, and I love this so much, and I feel like we’ll have fun chatting about anything and everything!

@moon--wake : I hope you are doing good! I initially only knew your JL but then I saw more of your muses, and the plot we’ve started have been great! It’s always been fun talking to you, and planning with you, I’m sending you all my best wishes <3

@forlorninquiry : I love so much our storyline, I think you’ve seen how I can suddenly spazz out of nowhere about it, but that’s because I do enjoy talking with you. I love seeing you on dash, and I love seeing how you write and talk of LWJ!

@dishengs : I remember you’ve been on the first rper in MDZS I met, and you’ve got such a lovely way of expressing WWX. It’s been fun letting Allen meeting him, and I’ll always be open to plot. You feel so friendly and so nice, and it’s always a pleasure to see you on dash!

@crowleiii : Krory and Allen are so sweet, one day we shall have them say brother in threads; and I enjoy how we chat about DGM, throwing theory around, slaying our feels more than half the time. I’m always glad to chat with you, and see you around!

@taoqidetuzi : You’ve been super friendly, very easy to talk to, and it feels fun to chat with you, and plot with you!

@ghostfluted : We haven’t talk as much yet as I have with other people, but you’ve felt from the start friendly, and I certainly enjoyed plotting with you!

@crystallizecrimsonbutterfly : Some day I’ll think of sending messages first to you, you always leave little messages for me sooner or later, and I always have a smile when I see you’ve done so. I’ve always enjoyed writing with you, and your Lenalee, I’ll happily continue threads or just plot the next event with you whenever you want; and I hope you’ve been doing good!

@dannyikigay : I couldn’t not give you some love (except tumblr being mean but that’s why I linked you), we’ve often talked with a share loved of a certain pairing as well as simple chatting, and we more often now see each other in the discord server (although I’m, ghostly a lot XD), but know you’re always welcomed to talk with me~

@ginnomme : One of the few people I know ship my rarer ships, and we’ve chatted a lot, it’s always fun and lovely when we do. I’ve seen you need time for yourself, but know I do think about you and I hope good things for you!

[ofniko]

troye sivan. demiboy. he/them. ／ nicolas “niko” goldwater just pulled up blasting coming of age by foster the people— that song is so them! you know, for a twenty-one year old social media influencer/fashion guru, i’ve heard they’re really -mercurial, but that they make up for it by being so +gregarious. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say a shiny pink vinyl skirt with pristine nails to match, designer shopping bags weighing down twiggy arms, and margaritas with extra sugar around the rim. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble!

hello friends ! i’m lainie, she/her, cst, and i talk about stephen king too much :/ im!! so excited to introduce u to niko my fashion baby and to get to know all of ur amazing outstanding totally unique never been done before muses !! under the cut u can find a very lazy intro with some summarized points and i’d promise a real bio later but lich rally who am i kidding lmao anyway i have a p full day but ill be around for plotting n stuff so come smash a heart and ill slide up in ur dms or hmu in my ims or on discord (starslut#0877) whichever works best for you MWAH

background/history

niko grew up right here on the upper east side, born and bred into the life of new york’s elite and while his attitude doesn’t entirely reflect the sort of pretentiousness we get when we think gossip girl, he definitely exudes an air of wealth and privilege and of having a limited view of what the world is really like outside of his trust fund bubble

for all his ostentation and lack of control when it comes to the wealth at his fingertips, he’s always maintained a very genuine humbleness and sense of humility that, while not always strong, is definitely there. it can be seen in his passion for helping people through what he does--his greatest thrill in life is to know he’s helped people find themselves through fashion and self care

his dad is a wall street trader and entrepreneur and they’re new(ish) money. he got wealthy very young so niko grew up knowing nothing but a life of luxury. his mom is a socialite, and his relationship with them is about what you’d expect. they love him, he’s their child, but they don’t take a huge amount of interest in his life. their blasé attitude toward him was highlighted most in his mind when he came out to them at 15 and they just......didn’t really have a reaction. weren’t upset, weren’t really surprised, but weren’t necessarily proud or happy for him either

when he came out a couple years later to them as non-binary it wasn’t much different, only in that they didn’t really get what he was saying whereas “gay” was something they could understand

he did two years of school at nyu and dropped out because he simply wasn’t enjoying it and was making enough money through instagram and youtube and brand promotions that it felt like a no-brainer decision

again, his parents weren’t happy about it, but they didn’t fight him over it, either

his following is growing exponentially and he’s just released a line of scents and perfumes that, on top of the revenue from everything else, makes it so he hardly needs his trust fund anymore

personality

gregarious and extraverted sometimes to a fault, niko can easily get on the nerves of people who don’t have the energy to keep up. he’s like a child who never quite grew out of adolescence, and with that boundless energy also comes a selfishness he’s usually unaware of. it can be very difficult for niko to be conscious of the way his actions affect other people and ends up hurting those close to him that way

in that same vein, when he does realize what he’s done, he’s more often than not consumed with guilt over it and will go to great lengths to try and resolve the issue

not that he always does a good job

he sleeps around a lot mostly because he enjoys it, but partly because he doesn’t know how to have a relationship. the lingering adolescence makes it so he doesn’t have the necessary awareness of another person’s needs to be in a stable relationship and he manages to a large degree to convince himself he doesn’t care and prefers being single anyway

fashion is his favorite thing in the world and though he doesn’t wear a lot of makeup on the daily, he definitely dabbles and has a lot of fun experimenting

catch him exploring the city and taking pictures, partying, clubbing, brunching, and shopping on the regs and if he’s in a Mood, you can usually tell bc he goes on shopping binges and fusses to an extreme degree over his appearance

also he he dyes his hair platinum blond

and his pronouns are flexible! he usually uses he/him referring to himself but genuinely doesn’t care whatever people feel like using

connection ideas

gal and gay pals :’) for fashion and shopping and instagram photoshoots

also a best friend ride or die pleaSE and thank u

i need enemies and angst and drama so give me everyone who hates niko/thinks he’s a fake bitch/can’t stand him

high school connections are cute so maybe someone he didn’t get along w back then and does now/vice versa where they were rly close and something turned them against each other and now it’s world war 3

COLLABS ?? youtubers/influencers/instagrammers he’s worked with or regularly collaborates with

a parental figure/figures :( since he doesn’t have much of a relationship w his real parents

umm!!!! someone who like they DONT get along usually and everyone knows they’re weird frenemies but they VIBE SO HARD when theyre drunk and partying

one (1) ex who lasted maybe like 3-4 months and it didn’t work out either bc they cheated on niko (would love this angst) OR bc niko was too flaky for them and they couldn’t handle the way niko doesn’t rly understand intimacy

someone who can challenge!! that!! and it’s freaking niko out bc he’s starting to catch Feels but doesn’t know what to do w it/doesn’t know if they feel the same way

casual hookups/one night stands/maybe a hookup or two from back in high school and they’re either on good terms and just friends now or like....it’s angsty maybe!!!!!!!!!

[crptkng]

I feel like I need to post about this because I have nothing better to do and because I would genuinely like to share my experience with BPD (borderline personality disorder) 

Now this will get pretty ugly and show the worst parts of me but please don’t think I’m an inherently toxic person for my behaviors that I could not control and that I have better control of as now. 

One of the first things you’ll notice about BPD is a marked disturbance in interpersonal relationships I’ve always had a very hard time keeping friends. I would have a certain friend for about a year and then we’d drift apart for no reason. Nothing totally horrible has happened in most of my past relationships, we’ve just either drifted apart or lost contact. However, that’s not to say I haven’t had a few not so healthy relationships. With BPD comes this fun little side effect of you possibly developing an unhealthy attachment to a certain person or people. This has happened to me on multiple occasions, 3 to be exact. This coins the term FP or favorite person.

The earliest I can ever recall and that I recognize now as being such was a good friend of mine that I met back in 2010/2011. My relationship with them wasn’t directly stormy in the beginning. I would see them at least once a week and all, but whenever I heard them mention another friend of theirs or that they would be hanging out with someone that wasn’t me I would get very angry and passive aggressively take it out on them. At first it was just that but it did start to go downhill when we hit high school and we started seeing less of each other. I would still be passive aggressive about the people they hung out with and all but the cake was taken when they got a boyfriend. I didn’t like him for one reason or another, still not entirely sure why but I but I went as far as accusing him of possibly making my friend “do something they didn’t want to” and kept nagging them about it. They ultimately broke up and we slowly lost most communication. I was sent spiraling into hysteria about losing my “only friend”. My whole school day was compromised to the point I called them into the school counselors office to force them to talk to me. After this we talked it out and were friends again. 

Around this time they introduced me to this guy who was and, to this day, still is one of my absolute best friends. The three of us were all really good friends and even had a group chat on skype together. After a few months of being friends I started having feelings for him but he had feelings for the friend that introduced us. I took this pretty hard and started accusing them of going behind my back outside of group chats and talking about me and just in general having more fun without me.This is the part where it all blew up and I decided I would rather isolate myself from this guy so I deleted him from skype and my phone contacts. Stayed friends with the first FP for a while before that eventually fizzled out. About a year later the dude my ex FP introduced me to popped into my head and I readded him on Skype. Come to find the two of them dated over the summer but broke up and he’d already gotten a new boyfriend. Everything was fine and we almost immediately got back into our old routine of watching stupid videos and shows as well as listening to music, sometimes inviting his boyfriend to join us. the three of us were friends for about 2 years before his ex developed feelings for another friend of theirs. My friend unfortunately had to hear it from a third party and not directly from his ex himself. This sent me into a rage and I verbally attacked his ex a few times, going so far as to harass him for a year before we made amends this fall and we’re even friends now!!

After they broke up with my friend and I had verbally ripped his ex a new one, about 3 months later my friend/FP and I confessed our crushes for each other and started dating in the spring of 2017. Summer 2017 came and he and I got to meet up for the first time in our almost 5 years of knowing each other. Our romantic relationship was not at all healthy in the slightest. I would need constant assurances of his feelings for me and if there was the slightest change in tone i’d immediately shift into a sour mood. Along with this I had the repeat actions of getting passive aggressively angry when he’d mention anyone else but me or make plans with someone else. Summer comes and goes and we’re still together even though i’m out of line, we even make plans for me to fly fully paid for by his mother to come see him over the Christmas break. this is where things got worse. I was constantly clingy and wouldn’t leave him to do his own thing, and would get jealous and passive aggressive whenever he’d hop on voice chat to play games. I would have major anxiety whenever I wasn’t near him and so on. Eventually while I was there we broke up. Him needing to focus on schooling and not being able to keep me happy and under control. Although we broke up I stayed the duration of my trip and we remained good friends.In fact, I’m trying my best with my holiday job to earn enough to buy him a ticket up to Seattle to see him again <3

My unhealthy relationships don’t stop there but are more brief than the one beforehand 

After my FP and I broke up I started talking regularly to this guy I used to talk to on skype before the great migration to discord.  

He and I talked from around January to June 2018. We’d go back and forth teasing each other and had an amazing friendship overall. Around the February is when I developed a crush on the guy which was... Not too great. Not only was he my crush but he was another FP. I would fixate on him when I thought I made him upset and would have major anxiety about it until proven otherwise, as is usually the case with most people for me.

Cut to March which just happens to be my birth month and I plan a desert date with a couple of my friends, him included. We all go to the mall near by and have a good time. This would be the first, and last time I got to meet him in person as he lived over an hour away by bus. We part ways with a hasty hug because I had to catch my bus back home. After this we plan on meeting up again but it turns out that he’s being kicked out by his mother that recently remarried and has to move to California. He ends up moving but we still stay connected on Discord and are still friends. April is when we start flirting with each other and we eventually send nudes back and forth to which I get a less than pleased response about my body.

At first I brushed it off bc you know I was enchanted by him. But then he proceeds to ghost me twice after this, once because of the nude and twice bc I told him I liked him.

During this he also blocked me on Discord for a few days as a joke because I insulted a titty anime he liked but came back and told me excitedly he was moving back to Washington but because he didn’t feel like he could tell me he didn’t want to have sex like we talked about he ghosts me. I eventually have an encounter where I was sexually assaulted and he said nothing about it and ignored my distress, eventually blocking me for good because I started going off on him like I did with my friends ex.

The next FP has a short history as he’s my current FP.

This guy is still kinda my friend but we don’t hang out in person anymore and he hardly responds to my texts or calls. But!!

I noticed this one when I realized I was doing the same thing I do with all my FPs which is get jealous of the people he talks about. One person in particular, too.

I reconnected with him during the summer 2018, about a month after the incident with the last guy mentioned, we quickly started hanging out again and even had a couple make out sessions. I didn’t notice right away that I was reacting the way I was until one day I noticed myself using manipulative language because he declined my invitation to go get food. This happened a couple of times, most significant of which was when he texted me the morning after he went out and partied. I jokingly asked him “ without me?” “Yee”. I was able to restrain and reroute what I was saying to make it seem less manipulative. Going back to me being upset when he mentions someone else. He has a crush on this girl who’s a mutual friend of ours and one night he invited me over to hang but we ended up going to the mall she worked at so he could try and convince her to join us. She said no, and we left. But he proceeded to talk about her for a good half hour after. He also knew I had a crush on him at the time so that double set me off. Halloween rolls up. He and another best friend of mine come over for drinks and to just chill in general. He asks me who all is coming and asks abt her. I don’t invite her because she’s leaving for a trip the next morning. Previous to this I met up with her and her now boyfriend and she tells me they got back together. She hadn’t told my FP and was never going to in the first place. He mentioned her again and I consider telling him then and there but decided not to at the moment. After Halloween is when he starts ghosting me and I get angry bc he’s not giving me attention so that’s when I tell him. Not out of the kindness of my heart but out of spite for being ignored. He and I don’t talk as much but I assume we’re on ok terms!

These are my most relevant people attachment stories. But I’m far from over with this post which is already a LOT.

Another fun part of BPD that I experience is the lack of identity.

I can easily attach myself to fictional characters and identify with them so strongly that I feel like I become them. This has happened most significantly with Dean Winchester from Supernatural and Charlie Kelly from Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

With Dean it was probably the strongest. I started listening to the music he did and wearing leather and becoming aloof like he was. Just overall taking small traits and becoming like him.

Charlie was more of a comfort character who I also took small traits from and started dressing like him.

As well as taking on their traits I considered career paths similar to theirs. Bartender and janitor for Charlie and a cop for Dean.

It doesn’t stop at fictional characters either. I notice I take on bits of the people I’m with and mold myself into who they are. I laugh like them and want to do the same things that they do even if I’m bad at it. Another HUGE symptom of BPD and one of the most common criteria for it is uncontrollable bouts of anger  First and most recent example I have being when my last ex broke up with me. I spent two days in a rage threatening to do harm to him and, as he is an addict, told one of his friends that he could “Die in a ditch with a needle in his arm”. Every time I thought of him my body would go cold and I would shake with rage. Second example I can think of that I’ve had to do on many occasions is my plans and needs being shoved behind by my mother and me getting so enraged I had to go chop a dead tree in our back yard. Third and final example I have of some of my rages comes back to the person who ghosted me because I was fat.After he did that and found out he was lying to me about everything I sat for a good half hour staring at the group call he was in on a mutual discord server and planned on going in and yelling at him while everyone was there. I ended up not doing it but that was another example of me shaking with rage and my body going cold.  Mood swings are prevalent in people with BPD The most notable examples i have are, with the most severe being the time I took a book and smashed it on my desk, cried and then started laughing at the Mishapocolypse  all in the span of about 15 to 20 minutes and several times when I felt extremely inadequate to everyone or when I misinterpreted the tone of my FP and sent myself spiraling into a depression.  Some people with BPD may also have hallucinations I’ve had one that’s the most notable, being the time I hallucinated the smell of doritos when there were none near me at the time because I was outside away from home, Another when I was sitting in my therapists office. she noticed me looking away from her towards the floor at what I saw as a blue dot that looked like a very small light from a charging cord on a laptop battery pack. And last, but most recent is when I was outside on a walk and seeing several blue dots blinking in the bushes where no other lights would be.   Another marked trait of BPD is Impulsivity    I’ve dealt with impulsivity in a couple different area. Notably though are the several unsafe sexual encounters I've had with multiple partners, turning to drugs or alcohol to cope with stress or sadness and my spending money when I have very little. People with BPD can suffer from intrusive thoughts These are NOT fun or cute like tumblr likes to make them out to be. Here’s a list of mine that go from not so bad to holy shit go get help. 

Fp not talking to you this exact moment?: Pull your hair out 

Chugg the whole bottle of asprin

Punch that dog

Bite the cat

Feeling angry and wanna take it out on something?: Grab one of the hamsters and SQUISH!!!

I wanna peel the skin off a frog

Step on your grandpa’s ventilator tube

Take that baby by the legs and swing it’s head into the wall

These are just some of the symptoms I suffer from and my personal experiences with BPD and as I say in the tags, people experience these symptoms differently. If you can relate to these symptoms and are not diagnosed, I suggest taking it to a professional who can help you further research and help you recover.

[hoshees]

so i'm going to preface this by saying that these are entirely my own opinions, i in no way think these opinions are superior, but they are based on how i've been feeling lately, no matter how accurate or misplaced those feelings may be.

i’m addressing some things i’ve noticed in the shinee fandom (not as a whole, but regularly) lately that have been bothering me.

 you have every right to disagree with me, and i will gladly talk through these disagreements if you'd like to, so long as your response is respectful and acknowledges that i'm permitted to have my own stance here, because i definitely believe you are permitted to have yours. please don't bother responding to this unless you actually read everything. i know it's very long, and i apologize if i don't word things clearly or make errors in communicating myself accurately. please give me some leeway in this, as these words are coming from a really raw place, and i don't entirely trust myself to speak with confidence. 

also please note that some of this may be triggering. i talk about jonghyun and some of the feelings i had after his death, so please be aware of that as you read. i've marked the section where i begin to discuss this with an asterisk (*). 

here we go. first, some background. i got in deep into kpop a couple of years ago after taemin's press it album was released, and found myself falling in love with not only taemin's music but also with  shinee's. i was really attracted to their talent, their varied discography, and their personalities. but what really sealed the deal for me were shawols. i joined tumblr originally under the url @/celes-tae, (i'd been on tumblr for years prior under another url, but never posted kpop content) and as a new blogger i didn't understand everything at first but i felt really comfortable right away. shawols seemed kind, mature, intelligent... so many things that i really craved in companionship with others, even if it was just online. i felt like i was a little late to the game (at the time i was 23 and was really only a casual listener of kpop before then), but i felt like that didn't matter to this fandom. people were so kind, and as i began to embrace a role as a content-creator i really felt like i was appreciated and accepted into this niche that i really loved. beyond that, i was able to form friendships that have proven to be really valuable to me and have really touched my heart. at the time, i really felt like shawols were generally more accepting than other fandoms i dabbled in. this is based mostly off of some of the people and words i came across on this website, and of course not as an accurate representation of any fandom as a whole, but i felt for a very long time that i would be one of those people who only stanned one group and that group would be shinee, because everything else seemed to complicated to grasp for a newcomer like me. as i got more into the music, though, i realized that there were so many other great things i was missing out on, and i steadily became more multifandom, first with getting more into monsta x than the casual fan i had been up until that point, and then with seventeen. i also started listening to bts more, because i really liked their music, but i distanced myself from the fandom simply because it felt really complex and it wasn't something i wanted to take the effort to navigate and find my place in at the time. this went on for a while, and i made friends with so many people and started making content for monsta x and seventeen in addition to shinee and just did what made me happy, and none of this ever had a negative impact on my friendships or more casual interactions on tumblr, at least none that were made evident to me. i went to shinee concerts and made more friends, gushed about new content  and new music with others, and it was all so lovely... even with the occasional controversies among shawols nothing ever really seemed to break us or cause major discord, and i was so proud of that.   on november 2, 2017, i accidentally deleted my blog (then @/taeminihyuk), and had to remake. i was devastated because of the content i lost, of course, but mostly because i knew it would be difficult if not impossible to reestablish all of the connections i'd made with people via that blog. this didn't end up being the case though. i was welcomed back by old friends and made TONS of new ones, many of whom i'm close with now. since remaking, i've felt so much positivity and love from others and seen so much of these same emotions exchanged on my dash, and i can't help but smile. of course this is just a website, and is in no way a replacement for flesh and blood human relationships, but that doesn't mean it can't have a vastly positive impact on people's lives, because it really has on mine. through this blog i've been exposed to music and art that has directly inspired me in my own life, and brought me out of some pretty dark places. i think that's what this should be about more than anything. not notes or fame or awards or streams, but the real evidenced impact that being a fan of a musician, or any art, can bring. please keep this in mind as you read on. * when jonghyun passed away, i felt a sadness that i've never felt before. i won't say it's the worst pain i've ever felt, but it was different, more suffocating and unexpected, than any pain i'd experienced up until then. in no way am i insinuating that you are wrong in your reactions to his death if you feel differently from how i did. i know that for many people there was no worse pain than the reality of losing him, and these feelings are valid, and you are entitled to feel and react to that sadness however you want. for me though, the heartbreak came not only from the sudden loss, but also in viewing everything that shattered afterward. in the people i knew and some who didn't, who were broken. at first, as with any devastation, people came together in support of one another. i received messages from bloggers i'd never interacted with before, who wanted to just check on me and let me know they were there if i needed them. i did my best to reciprocate that sentiment and tried to be a source of comfort for people. in many ways this was harmful though, because i didn't spend enough time actually grieving, and in many ways i'm still feeling some of the repercussions of that. regardless, the love and care that i saw from other people in those weeks following his death are things i'll look back on with gratefulness probably forever. 

as time wore on though, that sense of camaraderie faded. it's natural for that to happen, but it left room for lots of negative voices to ring louder than others. people started policing others for their expressions of grief or lack thereof. people who identified as shawols were telling others that they weren't entitled to grieve if they hadn't been fans of him before his death. people used jonghyun's name to push agendas that were problematic at best and downright harmful at worst. the ways people talked to each other changed. there was no more delicacy, at least not in the louder voices. when i noticed a lot of these things, i felt myself pulling away even more. because i was immersed in other groups, i spoke less about shinee. i still blogged quietly, but i didn't feel like i could really participate in the fandom anymore, because i wanted to compartmentalize and go back to the reasons why i got into kpop in the first place, which at the time seemed separate from shinee. i wanted to feel warm again, and all of the fighting and discourse was stripping that away, in my view. i didn't identify with single-fandom shawols that viewed them as their everything because i hadn't been around for years and years, as i said, i only got into all of this in early 2016, so it wasn't as embedded in my life and my understanding of my relationships and choices as it was for others. i also didn't identify with people who weren't shawols, the "i'm not a shawol, but..." mentality, because i still very much felt that i was a shawol at heart. i kept drifting back and forth between feeling like i had a place and was content in my understanding of what shinee was to me and then just being really confused, and sometimes i felt alone and hurt. when onew, key, minho, and taemin went ahead with the tokyo dome concerts, i had mixed feelings. i wanted them to take time to rest and grieve, i wanted them to be happy above everything, but i knew there was nothing i could do to help them in that regard, and a really selfish part of me wanted them to keep making music because i thought "i can't lose this too." i live-streamed the audio for the first night, and it was terrible, but also really good for me, because i finally felt like a shawol again. i finally felt like i was part of that community, and i could really grieve. this next paragraph is a bit of an aside, but the concerns i express here directly play into my discussion of shinee later, so please read it too: after monsta x tickets went on sale a few months ago, i saw a lot of worrying stuff that really bothered me. ticketing was a nightmare, and a lot of monbebes who really loved monsta x weren't able to get the tickets they wanted or couldn't get tickets at all. some people lashed out at those who had gotten tickets, saying things like "i only stan monsta x" or "they're everything to me" or "i've been here since debut" and then insinuating or even downright stating that the people who didn't meet those criteria or were multifandom didn't deserve tickets. this was a really ugly side of the monsta x fandom that i'd never really seen before, and it made me feel ostracized, because i considered myself multifandom and had gotten a good ticket to the concert. this blew over, as most things do, but i think that this mentality has really tarnished the fandom, and i still see hints of it every now and then, and i wish that it wasn't there. as rumors of a shinee comeback spread, i felt mixed feelings again. i saw more hate than i'd ever seen on my dash, between fandoms and between shawols. misunderstandings that grew out of proportion, people who felt like they couldn't voice anything without being attacked, whether that be happiness that shinee was continuing or sadness that they were going to release music for the first time without jonghyun. i want to take this time to say that no matter what your feelings are regarding shinee's comeback, they are valid because they are yours. personally, i'm excited, but again i am also absolutely devastated. all of my happiness is two fold with sadness, and i say that as someone who has only been a fan through 2 comebacks, so i can't imagine what its like for others, and i won't try to speak for you. for me, this comeback has been a weird mix of excitement and disappointment. i'm excited because it seems like onew, key, minho, and taemin are releasing music because they want to do it. i'm disappointed because it feels like jonghyun is being left behind. i don't know if there's any way to not feel like this. some of this has to do with sm removing his memorial. some of this has to do with the ambiguity surrounding the album and whether or not he had an influence on or part in it.... ....some of this disappointment has to do with some of the behavior i'm seeing from shawols. tumblr has a kind of discourse surrounding it where sarcasm runs amok and softness is often taboo. but i am going to take the time to make a few things clear, as far as my opinions are concerned. i think it is TOTALLY okay to only stan shinee. that is your choice. you are in control of your likes and dislikes, your loves and hates. however, it is NOT okay to belittle other people for calling themselves shawols while also stanning other groups. i haven't seen much of this in a blunt sense on my dash, but i have seen hints at exclusionism (that's not a word, but roll with it), that i find really terrible, because it's ostracizing and belittling to people who really love shinee and want to support them. i think it is TOTALLY okay to say that you don't like _____'s music or even that you hate it, but to insinuate that a person who likes that group/it's music is unintelligent because they like it is NOT okay. people are allowed to like what they like, and you need to be respectful of that. i think it is TOTALLY okay to point out the realities of why you don't like a group, like their music, or don't like their negative fans, but i don't think it's okay to ball up everyone in the same group and say "____ fandom needs to shut up" or "you aren't a shawol so you aren't valid." this is really harmful for a lot of reasons. some i can't really express in words right now, but please know that these are toxic viewpoints in my opinion, and i want you to think about your words and their consequences before you say something like this. i would like to note that a lot of these problems i'm addressing come after loads of bullshit from anons and other people who have insulted shawols, belittled them, and driven them to anger. i understand why it's frustrating, and i know i've said problematic things when i was feeling attacked, too. i have to ask though, why are we fighting fire with fire? you may feel like you've been stripped of your ownership to this one thing you find comfort in, but i ask you, please don't push people away so you can cling to it harder. there's enough room for everyone. this isn't finite. i can't speak for jonghyun, but i can speak to the feelings i had after he died, the things i saw on this website that were so overwhelmingly comforting during a time when it felt like nothing mattered. that the only thing to do was find a way out. i really want shawols to think about how they are interacting, not only with other fandoms, but with each other. don't do the same things you criticize other people for. the similar, although different breed of elitism i saw after monsta x tickets were released and people said "you're not a real monbebe if...." has now been mirrored on my dash to statement like "you're not a real shawol if...." and i'm disappointed and sad to see it. again, i want to reiterate that it's definitely permissible to stan one group. to identify only as a shawol and nothing else. just please do that with words of love and respect. i want to say a lot more, and i feel like what i've said didn't come out the way i wanted it to, but i'm going to wrap this up now, and hope that i don't come across too terribly. i just want people to be kind to each other, and to be inclusive. maybe that's naive of me, but i really wish for it, and i'm not ashamed of that. think about the reasons you came here in the first place. they're positive, right? remember that there are a lot of people here who are new to this, and they need to see that there's good here. please be kind always. - logan