#we live in a world that has taught us to ignore complexity and embrace entertainment

[brigitoshaughnessy]

🤐 (“Shhh, it’s okay Jack O’Neill. At least I understand you.”)

Sometimes you like the fandom favorite and that's annoying because you have to see all the wild takes that do not interpret them the correct way. Other times, you like the fandom's least favorite and that's annoying because you still have to see all the wild takes that do not interpret them the correct way.

[redjadethewriter]

A Society Running Out of Luck and Grace

Please note that the following discussion is purely for entertainment and is not rooted in scientific fact. Therefore, it is important to approach my words with the utmost discernment. However, despite being a fantasy writer, the main purpose of my blog is to encourage readers to think critically and gain a fresh perspective.

Last night, I found myself considering a different viewpoint regarding the energy of a particular area. As a spiritual person, one might refer to it as luck or benevolence, but ultimately, it plays a significant role in the flourishing of a society. Unfortunately, as time has passed, the spiritual aspect of life has been overshadowed by materialism, causing us to forget about the energy of grace. For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to it as grace.

I never realized how much energy plays a role in the prosperity of cities, towns, or even villages in different regions. The area where I live used to thrive, and I didn’t have to worry too much about walking out at night. However, over the past couple of years, the crime rate has risen and there have been more unsettling incidents.

There has been a lot of global discussion about the declining birth rate, particularly in certain countries. In my country, many couples are choosing not to have children, which has given rise to the child-free movement. People have various reasons for choosing not to have kids, but one question that often arises is why bring someone into a world filled with suffering? Many child-free individuals, including myself, do not wish to subject another human being to the difficulties we have experienced. It seems like a wise choice, regardless of any complaints from others. Many of us choose to face the realities of the world instead of living in denial.

Child death rates are also a concern. So when someone advocates for having more children, I question the purpose. Why bring them into the world if they will die just as quickly as they arrive? People often cannot consider these factors as a whole. This is why the child-free movement is growing, as there simply isn’t enough justification to bring more kids into the world.

Climate issues and increasing disasters are becoming more apparent, and I was surprised to learn that over 100+k people die each year in my country from vehicle collisions. Yet, we continue to expand roads and increase the number of vehicles, neglecting the expansion of public transit and the creation of more walkable and livable cities. This results in a significant loss of lives each year, lives that could have contributed to society.

People tend to focus on the symptoms rather than the root causes of issues. It’s similar to my experiences with doctors, who often only treat the symptoms instead of addressing the underlying cause. When I look at my country’s society, I, like others, can clearly see where the root problems are leading us. However, the challenge lies in getting others to recognize this as well. It takes a significant amount of luck and grace for a group of people to come together and work towards a better solution.

Hence, whenever I witness another nation’s advancement towards prosperity, I perceive it as an embodiment of grace. Without the presence of this altruistic force, the consequence would be utter chaos and further anguish. The rise and fall of empires, in essence, is merely an indication of fortune being depleted and diminishing.

In conclusion to this blog, I must emphasize that the following is not just my perspective. Someone taught me this. It helped me to embrace different viewpoints in order to broaden my understanding. This practice has helped me cultivate compassion for the complexities of life and nature in itself. But I’m still ignorant, regardless. However, I genuinely believe that beneath the layers of negative energy and consequences, there’s a bright spirit within us all, perhaps even a representation of perfection. However, at present, we find ourselves ensnared in a web of bullshit.

Now the question is, how do we change this?

[livinwithhumans]

The Tell-Tale Heart of Clay Jensen

From its inception to its release, 13RW created quite a whirlwind in the media over allegations that it causes suicide and is insensitive to these issues. Now, at its end, it feels like 13RW has long said goodbye to those times and has embraced the blunt nature with which it discusses teen issues of suicide, abortion, drug abuse, sexual abuse and gun violence. I have always appreciated that the show took these issues head on and did not back down from a fight even when the media and parents were hell-bent on ruining its legacy. 

Season 4 of 13RW comes at a time where we’re all feeling slightly disconcerted and apprehensive of the future what with a deadly virus at large. I’m sure we all must be feeling trapped not only in our homes, but in our own idle and terrified minds with no room for escape, because there is nowhere to escape. Surprisingly enough that is exactly how Clay feels throughout this whole season. Basically, Season 4 has two goals: to mentally push Clay to the metaphorical cliff’s edge and to wrap all the complex and messy emotions in a 5 minute valedictorian speech. The former I was mildly intrigued to explore, the latter I was not impressed with. Let’s take a closer look at what the show has achieved or failed to achieve in its final season. 

Those who know Clay’s character well, know that he’s the sweet guy-next-door who just goes with the flow rarely stopping to question his sometimes irrational actions and poorly-made choices. Like, when he chose to point a gun at Bryce or when he chose to cover up Bryce’s murder. Having been in jail, becoming so involved with the deaths of 2 close friends (Jeff and Hannah) and covering up a murder, it was only a matter of time before he roller-coastered straight into the deep end. There’s only so much one person can take before they crash and burn. Quite literally in this season, because as we see Clay is haunted by dreams of a terrifying Monty, blood everywhere and Bryce. Even the lighting of this season is dark and monochromatic to reflect Clay’s weakened mental state. To be honest, Clay’s go-with-the-flow nature is the source of his mental distress, because for the past few seasons, he has just been coasting along with the other characters never stopping to think that maybe his friends are wrong and that he shouldn’t go along with the choices they’re making. Of course, at the same time, this quality is Clay’s core characteristic, because he is known for being a loyal friend even if being loyal means jeopardizing his own life and health. 

To put it simply, the Clay this season is a Clay that has lost all sense of purpose. If you’re thinking, what was his purpose anyway? Well, isn’t it obvious? Season 4 Clay has no one to take care of anymore: no Hannah, no Jeff, no Justin, no Skye, no Tyler, no Ani. He lost Hannah in season 1 where he realized he never did enough to care for her. That’s strike one. He loses Skye in Season 2 after they realize their relationship isn’t healthy, because Clay just wanted to stop her from committing suicide. Strike two. He finds Ani in Season 3 only to lose her in Season 4, because she’s already well-sorted and doesn’t need Clay’s help. That’s strike three. There seems to be a method to his pain where he keeps trying to help girls only to realize that he wasn’t helping them in the right way or that they never needed him. Imagine building up this pain of realizing that the one thing you want to do (care for others) is the one thing that you keep failing at. In fact, in season 4, in the lockdown episode, he questions whether he ever even helped Tyler get through his trauma. Clay’s conflict revolves around the fact that he believes that he was never capable of helping anyone and that makes him feel helpless. And it all starts with Hannah. So, in season 4, when he is left with no one to take care of, he struggles through his own emotionally turbulent journey to discover that before he can help others, he needs to help the most important person in his life: himself. It’s clear that throughout the seasons, Clay has been so involved in solving other people’s problems that he fails to solve his own. Which is why Season 4 had to be about Clay finally getting a chance to breathe and take care of himself. After all, if there is one thing this show has taught us, it is to take care of those around you. And that kind of caring starts only when you take care of yourself. Because, self-care is the essential ingredient in the recipe of life. 

Now, I have to admit: Though it was difficult for me to watch innocent and good Clay doing drugs, having sex, crashing cars, starting protests, burning a car, yelling at principals, and starting fights, it was necessary to have this character grow in this way. He had to venture out of his comfort zone and become crazy in order to realize what truly mattered to him and how to reach his fulfilled self. Of course, this kind of character arc is nothing new. We’ve seen it play out for centuries in popular texts, short stories and famous literature (Hamlet anyone?). In fact, one popular short story that comes to mind is Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart.” Now, you might be wondering wait what? But, if you look closely, Clay’s spiral towards insanity closely charts that of the protagonist in Poe’s story. Let’s call him Joe. 

If you’re a reader of popular literature or have studied English literature, then you had to have encountered Poe’s famous short story, “The Tell-tale Heart.” It basically chronicles the living and breathing nature of guilt which can cause an individual to sabotage themselves. Literally, Joe plots and commits a carefully-planned murder only to have guilt rat him out. In the story, Joe has the police visit him after he commits the murder to investigate his house. After they find nothing, he invites them to stay a little longer and entertains them. He is so confident that he won’t be found that he continues to entertain them knowing that a dead body lies in his room. The guilt of knowing that he stopped someone’s heartbeat makes his heart beat louder and louder with guilt until he cannot take it anymore and he confesses to his crime. Why? Because guilt drives him up the wall and right back down to reveal the dead body parts stashed in his floorboard. Poe very smartly shows how after committing an ill-fated act, guilt leads you to second-guess yourself. Guilt throws suspicion over every small detail until the end result is that you sabotage yourself. And that’s exactly what happens to Clay. The resemblance between Clay’s story and Joe’s is uncanny. It’s almost like the writers of the show wrote Clay’s journey towards insanity with Poe’s story in mind. 

Fare warning: Tread with care, spoilers ahead.

Those who have watched the show know that the threatening phone calls, the graffiti (”Monty was framed”), the disabling of the security cameras and the senior camping trip prank was all dissociative-Clay’s doing. It’s a real mind-blowing scene when it hits Clay that he was the one sabotaging himself. The guilt of covering up Bryce’s murder was slowly killing him from the inside just like it was for Joe. It was like there was a part of Clay that did not want to stay quiet about the coverup and wanted the world to know what had happened exactly like Joe. Joe also could not take the fact that he got away with the murder and had to reveal his true colors. It’s something to think of that guilt can eat so much of your mind and soul that you become suspicious of everyone around you. Clay suspects almost every character (Winston, Diego, Charlie, Estella and even Tyler). His guilt actually turns out to be so murderous that it makes him do all sorts of crazy things that he would never do like start protests and yell at the principal. Now, 13 Reasons Why takes it a step further from Poe’s story by having Clay dissociate, so obviously there’s not too much damage control to do at the end (very convenient). Still, it is something to ponder on: that guilt is such a monstrous beast it can make one sabotage themselves. After all, there’s nothing more mentally and emotionally terrorizing than living with the fear of getting caught. Clay lives and sleeps (barely) with his guilt, never being able to escape it. And that’s why, it’s just easy to let it all out like Joe does at the end of the story. BUT, the major difference in 13RW is that Clay somehow finds a way to circumvent his guilt by justifying his choice of covering up a murder. By the end, he realizes that caring about his friends makes him who he is. With that logic, he comes to the conclusion that if he does something for his friends, then that is naturally right (even if that means killing someone and framing someone else for their murder, apparently). Look, it’s great that he finally understands who he is and what motivates him to behave in a certain way. Basically, losing himself helps him find his right and wrong. But, at the end of the day, morality has to be guided by more than your personal moral compass. It has to follow through with the laws set by society and killing and framing someone is just unjust and illegal no matter who those people are. You cannot justify your actions by saying that “they deserved to die” which, by the way, is what Jessica continues to do. I don’t know on what planet this kind of mentality is healthy, but I guess whatever planet that is, 13RW seems to exist on that sphere because it just ignores the injustice of what these characters chose to do. Yeah, all of them have to come to terms with their guilt, but they also have to realize that living a life carrying this secret is more burdensome than just coming out and saying it. I mean this kind of cover-up will never stop haunting them and they may never be able to move on from the past if they don’t let their guilt scream out from the rooftops. That’s where I think Poe’s story is the winner, because it realizes that you can’t let the guilt eat you up. Guilt exists for a reason so that those who commit crimes are eventually found out. Catharsis exists in letting the guilt shout from the rooftops. 

Unfortunately, though Clay exhibits all the signs of self-sabotage and guilt, he chooses not come out with the truth of his actions and those of his friend’s. According to Poe and me, the confession should have been the ultimate resolution to Clay’s arc. Clay shouldn’t have to suffer through the guilt in order to cover up for his friend’s mistakes. However, Clay’s suffering at the hands of his friends doesn’t matter, because the show chooses to neatly tie up the messy crimes and the horrible mistakes these characters committed in a 3 minute valedictorian speech. A speech which ultimately avows that love and acceptance is key to survival. Though that’s true, let’s be honest, it’s just an easy way to brush off the severity of Alex, Jessica, Ani, Clay, Justin, Charlie, Tyler and Zach‘s mistakes. If love and acceptance was key to survival, then we must put forth the question of whether Jessica, Clay and the rest of the characters have actually forgiven Bryce and Monty for their ill-deeds? Did they accept and understand Bryce when he needed to be? What’s lacking here is that though the characters might have accepted their mistakes in the last episode of the season, it still does not mean that they should not have to pay for their mistakes. Clearly, the show lets them get off easy, because even the police officers involved in the case cover up the truth about Bryce’s killer. Now, i’m going to sidestep here to say that I will acknowledge that the show does try to have the characters confess their guilt in a way so that there can be self-acceptance. Like, when Alex confesses to Winston in detail about why and how he killed Bryce. But, still: What message does this send to viewers? That if you have connections with powerful people you can get away with anything as long as you show regret and guilt for your actions? Regardless of whether or not it is a mistake or whether or not you are sorry for it, no crime should go unpunished and unconfessed. And I think the adults more than anyone have a huge hand in ensuring that the truth about Bryce’s murder never comes out. That being said, I’m not defending Bryce’s character in any way or saying that he was always a good person, but he was a human being regardless of the horrible crimes he committed. He does not deserve to have the truth of his murder hidden. The show seriously makes a huge mistake by having characters like Winston and the police officers decide whether or not they should let the truth of Bryce’s murder come out. 

Though it is the characters that covered up a serious crime, it’s the show that pulls off the biggest cover up of all: it attempts to dismiss its characters mistakes by excusing it as something that should just be understood and accepted rather than confessed. The show values understanding and acceptance over having the truth come out. Of course, understanding and acceptance of your guilt and your mistakes is a huge part of moving on, but confession is the final step to ensuring that these characters do not suffer a life filled with mental agony and despair. I know it seems that Clay’s journey into mental darkness was resolved with some therapy, understanding and self-reflection, we all know that covering up a murder is not a small crime and will eventually become unbearably taxing to the soul like it did for Joe. As Poe very neatly shows in his story, letting the truth come out about your past mistakes and crimes is the only road to living a mentally stable life filled with acceptance, forgiveness and understanding. After all, confession is not only good for the soul, but also for the mind. 

[doomonfilm]

Memories : Top 15 Films of 2020

If 2020 taught movie fans anything, it was that we shouldn’t take things for granted.  On the dollars and cents side of things, movie theaters were already facing an uphill battle to stay sustainable, but the “shelter-in-place” practice of March and beyond decimated box office returns, with many theaters yet to reopen (if they will open at all).  In terms of famous names and faces, the list of those who passed away featured numerous icons : Kobe Bryant, Kirk Douglas, Max von Sydow, Honor Blackman, Carl Reiner, Ennio Morricone, John Saxon, Wilford Brimley, Chadwick Boseman, Sean Connery, Tiny Lister Jr., Adolfo ‘Shabba Doo’ Quinones and many more transitioned to the great beyond.  Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Shudder and a number of other streaming services saw themselves step into the forefront of the entertainment provider realm, with Warner Brothers and a handful of other studios making announcements that they will be following suit for at least 2021, if not for good.

With all of this uncertainty and chaos, however, the year 2020 was a surprisingly strong one, in my opinion, when it came to cinematic output... so much so, in fact, that aside from a number of Honorable Mentions, my list of top films was expanded to 15 in order to accommodate all of my choices.  For anyone who has checked out my lists from previous years, you will know that I did not see every film released this year, but I did make my best effort to cover as wide a range of films as possible.  Enjoy the list, and be sure to support film in whatever medium you are able to moving forward so that it can thrive.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The 40-Year-Old Version (dir. Radha Blank) A nice little personal film that spoke to my hip-hop sensibility, as well as that ever-present awareness of the inevitability of age, and how it can skew our perspective in regards to our achievements.

Ava (dir. Tate Taylor) This isn’t the action film that’s going to reinvent the wheel, but if you look at action films like wheels, this is a quality wheel.  Outside of Common, I couldn’t really find much to shoot down... this will definitely be one I consider the next time I have company and we’re looking for something fun to check out.

Bill & Ted Face The Music (dir. Dean Parisot) I honestly would have been satisfied with just two films in this franchise, but surprisingly, a third entry was created that didn’t ruin my overall enjoyment of the previous two films.  Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter jumped in without missing a beat, a healthy dose of familiar faces popped back up, and the new cast additions weren’t too jarring... it’s nice to know that a pair of my favorite childhood films are officially now part of a trilogy.

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm: Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (dir. Jason Woliner) This was possibly the most surprising release of 2020... outside of a couple of news blips that Sacha Baron Cohen made during production, not a lot about this film was leaked prior to its release.  For such a dated character and a seemingly outdated style of humor, Borat once again exposed the simplest parts of society in an incredibly insightful (albeit cringey as all get-out) manner.

Guns Akimbo (dir. Jason Lei Howden) One of the most fun films of 2020.  Somewhere, the creative minds behind Nerve are wishing that they’d made this film instead. 

Henrietta and Her Dismal Display of Affection (dir. Jeffrey Garcia) Jeffrey Garcia is the homie, and I’ve had the pleasure of being in a number of his short films, so when he announced his intentions to write and shoot a feature film in 2020, I was completely on-board.  Miraculously, he was able to film the movie while the world was being ravaged by COVID-19, and though I cannot publicly announce details yet, this film has definitely already met (and likely succeeded) his expectations.

The Midnight Sky (dir. George Clooney) With each film that George Clooney directs, I realize more and more than he is an old soul trapped in a body idolized by the new school of film.  That being said, it’s nice to know that there are directors out there willing to embrace patient, silent and contemplative moments while simultaneously withholding from force-feeding viewers exposition.  

Tenet (dir. Christopher Nolan) This was possibly the most anticipated release of the year, considering it was the king of the IMAX release crowd in its pre-release promotion.  After a small delay due to COVID-19, it was one of the first films released in hopes of testing the movie-going waters during what was sure to be a diminished period of time, which probably hurt its numbers.  Too many, the film was confusing, and the nit-picking was fierce from the criticism contingency, but in all honesty, this was pretty impressive Nolan fare... certainly a good second movie in a Nolan double feature.

The Trial of the Chicago 7 (dir. Aaron Sorkin) I cannot tell a lie... I was hugely impressed with how Sorkin managed to reel his personality and voice back in order to let this well-known, controversial moment in time present itself.  Sorkin has a tendency to be the star of his films, be it when he is in the writer or director role, but for this film, he managed to focus the best parts of his skillset into a highly respectful, educational and inspiring tale that fit the tumultuous summer we endured.

VHYes (dir. Jack Henry Robbins) I remember seeing this trailer as 2019 was coming to a close, and it was a film high on my list of desired viewing.  Then 2020 reared its ugly, stupid head and many releases disappeared into obscurity or found themselves delayed.  Luckily, this one slipped through the cracks and found a home in the streaming world, which in all honesty, suited its presentation very well.  One of the most delightfully weird films of the year, hands down. 

Vivarium (dir. Lorcan Finnegan) Of all the films cut from my Top 15 list, this was the toughest cut to make.  I went into the film totally blind (with Jesse Eisenberg and my respect for his acting chops being the sole selling point), but this film really hit a lot of my buttons... it’s trippy as can be, there is a character that is freakishly unique and wholly unnerving, and the production design leaves a lasting impression.  Don’t let the Honorable Mention designation fool you... this one is a winner.  

Wonder Woman 1984 (dir. Patty Jenkins) The Christmas gift that the masses collectively decided that they did not want.  Much like Ava, there is one glaring aspect of this film that I could have done without, but otherwise, I found this to be an enjoyable film.  Gal Gadot was made for this role, while Kristen Wiig and Pedro Pascal stepped up to the plate and impressed.  If you’re looking to be blown away, the Wonder Woman franchise isn’t the smartest place to go, but if you’re looking for entertainment, there’s plenty of it here.   

THE TOP 15 FILMS OF 2020

15. Mignonnes (dir. Maïmouna Doucouré) This one started off the year with plenty of controversy.  What was an award-winning tale about womanhood and the difficulties surrounding coming of age in an ever-changing and evolving world quickly devolved into a campaign to ban the film (and Netflix).  Many people overlooked the film as a cautionary tale about what access to the Internet and the sexually-charged nature in which women are portrayed can do to developing girls, instead choosing to accuse the film of being fodder for malicious types seeking to exploit the sexualizing of young women.  More than anything, in my opinion, Mignonnes served as an example of our outrage-fueled culture and the way it tends to skew our perspective and/or our ability to take art at face value.

14. His House (dir. Remi Weekes) As I’ve mentioned many times over the past week or so on this blog, horror films were one of the few genres that found a benefit from the film industry’s transition to streaming services for primary access to film.  While a number of traditional horror films received notice, His House took the opportunity to not only make a pure horror film, but one that spoke on racism and the conditions that asylum-seekers and refugees face.  The film is well-acted, the production value is high quality, and it’s paced beautifully... while not the highest film on this list, it is certainly one I will encourage others to see as time goes by.

13. All Day and a Night (dir. Joe Robert Cole) When human nature reared its ugly head during COVID-19 in the form of numerous race-related killings, multitudes of businesses quickly adopted the Black Lives Matter mantra, with film distributors and streaming services taking advantage of the moment to produce and release content relevant to cultural and social awareness.  Netflix was no different, and of the many films they released in the wake of the harrowing events, All Day and a Night is the one that feels the most sincere and honest in its approach and presentation.  The streets of Oakland are presented with a vast array of characters, each with complex backgrounds and states of mind, all of which helps the viewer understand the pressure many minorities live with and process on a daily basis.

12. She Dies Tomorrow (dir. Amy Seimetz) Execution is king, even when applied to the simplest of premises, and She Dies Tomorrow is a shining example of this.  In a very John Cassavetes move, director Amy Seimetz took her payment from her appearance in Pet Sematary and used it to fund a personal project that more than likely would have been ignored by studio heads.  The result is a hypnotic, entrancing and haunting film where stillness and anticipation play antagonist, while we as viewers feel the need to transpose ourselves into the protagonists we are presented due to their stilted but emotional performances.  Hopefully this one finds some notoriety in the cult classic realm as the years pass.

11. The Vast of Night (dir. Andrew Patterson) For a debut film, The Vast of Night handles itself with a surprising amount of confidence in its vision.  The immersion is nearly instant as we are first placed in the premise of a TV show, and then a 1950′s town, but once the actors and camera get going, it’s up to us as viewers to strap in for the ride.  The story is deeply intriguing, the performances are strong enough to carry a very dialogue heavy movie, and the final act is chilling in its reveals.  I will be surprised if this one finds its way to a Best Original Screenplay nomination due to it being a debut film from a relatively unknown writer/director, but if it manages to get the nomination it will certainly be a well-deserved one.

10. Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (dir. Cathy Yan) The movie that broke the list.  If someone would have told me in 2019 that a film directly connected to Suicide Squad would be anywhere on a Top Films list I curated, I would have laughed dead in their face, and yet, here we are.  It’s like every good idea that was poorly executed in Suicide Squad found new life in Birds of Prey, which makes the film not only an entertaining watch, but a satisfying one.  Not only is Margot Robbie perfect in this film (as well as given a break on the exploitative costuming), but Mary Elizabeth Winstead arguably takes a stab at stealing the show with her performance.  Don’t let the DCEU association fool you... Birds of Prey is the real deal.    

9. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (dir. Eliza Hittman) Probably the most contemplative film on the entire list, and impressive in its nature for sure.  To my knowledge, the cast is made up of mostly unknowns (unless I’m sleeping on actors and actresses, which has been known to happen), and as a result, a tough slice of life to swallow is presented in an extremely grounded nature.  Sidney Flanigan gives a powerful performance, hopefully the first of many.

8. Possessor [Uncut] (dir. Brandon Cronenberg) Easily the most “what the f-ck” film on this list, and certainly one worthy of the Cronenberg name.  Andrea Riseborough has been on my radar since Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) and Mandy, and seeing her in a lead role confirms her talent.  I’m a sucker for science-fiction films that don’t rely on digital effects and elaborate set pieces, and Possessor rings both of those bells with a vengeance.  I watched the uncut version, which has a couple of extremely brutal sequences that will unnerve even the most hardened viewer, but these sequences only serve to drive home the lost nature of Tasya, our protagonist.  This one isn’t for everyone, but for those who can stomach a bit off graphicness and process a narrative that doesn’t spoon-feed you answers, this one is a must see.

7. Da 5 Bloods (dir. Spike Lee) Spike Lee has always been a huge influence on me as both an aspiring filmmaker and a fan of the medium, but I’d be lying if I told you that his last decade was a memorable one.  Outside of BlacKkKlansman, Lee has found himself falling short of his vision more often than not, but Da 5 Bloods is a tonal and stylistic bullseye.  Fans of Lee will dig it, fans of Vietnam films will dig it, and anyone who had an inkling of respect or admiration for Chadwick Boseman will be moved.  If Lee continues to make films as good as this one, he may find an entirely new generation of fans as a result.

6. Soul (dir. Pete Docter) As mentioned at the top of this list, people love to try and sink films due to their own personal agendas, and Soul found itself in the crosshairs prior to its late 2020 release.  Many people were upset that a minority character would not only spend most of the movie as a blue blob, but would also seemingly serve as a tool for another character’s “salvation”.  That being said, once Soul dropped, anybody with common sense dropped those stances and realized that Pixar had not only made a stunningly beautiful film, but one that likely spoke to adults more than children.  Plain and simple, Soul is a bonafide instant classic.

5. Kajillionaire (dir. Miranda July) If Evan Rachel Wood doesn’t win an Oscar for her performance in Kajillionaire (or at least garner a nomination), Hollywood needs to collectively have their head checked.  Every year worth its salt has a weird, quirky but loveable film, and Miranda July more than succeeded in making one for 2020.  The humor, both physical and dialogue-based, is on point, and the bittersweet nature of the story is gut-wrenching as the film progresses.  This one was probably the biggest surprise for 2020 in terms of prior awareness versus post-watch admiration.

4. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (dir. George C. Wolfe) The final film of Chadwick Boseman’s short but prolific career is one that allowed him to exist in the wake of his reality, making his performance powerful and (seemingly) cathartic.  He is surrounded by supreme talent on all sides, as there are no weak performances in this film, and despite it essentially being a play shot for film, it feels far from limited, contained or constrained.  Not only does it speak on larger issues of the commodification of Black pain and talent, but it may serve as a vehicle for a posthumous Oscar for Boseman.

3. The Devil All The Time (dir. Antonio Campos) This was the first Netflix original that made me really and truly respect them as a film distributor.  The list of talent for The Devil All The Time is truly impressive, and Tom Holland knocked his lead role out of the park.  Robert Pattinson is great as always, and the way that the story winds back into itself keeps you locked in and connected until the credits roll.  For something that came out so many months ago, it’s respectable that it was able to hold such a high position on a list that was as fluid as any I’ve ever put together.

2. Mank (dir. David Fincher) For a time, this was the hands down film of the year on my list.  Gary Oldman has basically become a “can do no wrong” actor, and his performance was amplified by David Fincher’s ability to emulate the look, sound and feel of a bygone Hollywood era.  On top of this, the built in intrigue that comes with handling anything remotely connected to Orson Welles is present, making Mank almost feel like a companion piece to the prolific film that is Citizen Kane.  If The Devil All The Time was a victory for Netflix, then Mank was the win that put them into a true spot as contenders in the future of film distribution. 

1. I'm Thinking of Ending Things (dir. Charlie Kaufman) Where does one even begin with Charlie Kaufman?  Time and again, he proves to be one of the most truly unique voices to gain fame.  For I’m Thinking of Ending Things, Kaufman seemingly returns to his foundation of odd, offbeat love stories, only to take us on a journey of truly mind-bending and psyche-warping proportions.  Of all the movies on this list, this is the one that almost demands repeat viewings, as one must have an idea of the entire journey before they can understand the individual aspects laid out.  If dialogue isn’t your thing, then this one may not hold you, but that would be a shame, as this beautiful mystery stands head and shoulders above the rest of 2020′s stellar output.

[lati-will]

I Thought I Was “Awake” Until This Happened To Me

I was about 17 years old when I first heard about the December 2012 phenomenon. Although skeptical of doomsday theories and esoteric predictions, it was the trigger that led me down the internet rabbit hole, where I spent hours upon hours researching subjects ranging from alien beings communicating with planet Earth to our debt-based monetary system calling for a mass revolution.

I was never the same since. I knew these ideas seemed far-fetched to most people, yet within this maze of alternative information, I still was able to find gems of truth reminding me that there is more to life than what I’d been told. That I wasn’t “broken” just because I didn’t fit in this world or had talents that weren’t valued in school. That maybe it is society that is broken… and that my mission was to help transform it.

I am now 26 years old, and I still stand by what I said. I still feel deep within my bones that we are in the midst of a mass consciousness shift where the status quo is rapidly losing credibility. I still believe that a world where we destroy the Earth for profit and hoard wealth while others starve is unnecessary. I still believe I am here to shake things up and make a change. Yet I also believe that the whole new age/conspiracy whirlwind of information out there may be slowing down the very same personal and collective evolution it promotes.

“I can stand here and talk to you about the field of infinite possibilities, but what do you DO with that?” – Dan Millman

New Age and Conspiracy Information: Distracting Us From Our True Power and Purpose?

Don’t get me wrong: In no way do I want to discredit the value of information that helps highlight society’s ills and open the mind to new possibilities. It has been a crucial part of my own path… but one that I had to outgrow in order for me to truly grow up.

Let me explain. Learning about the latest government scheme, astrology forecast, and health craze has its place, but ultimately, it is not the thing that will MAKE you a better human being. It is not the thing that makes you a more caring and loving person, or bring you strength, spirit, and resiliency in challenging times. Dissecting the subject of quantum physics, knowing about the thirteen illuminati bloodlines, or scrutinizing a politician’s every move won’t necessarily help you be a positive player in your community, or bring you the focus and practical wisdom needed to get your life together. Information lives in your head. It is the quality of your being that determines how well you participate in the dance of life.

“Ultimately, information is as valuable as its usefulness to our daily lives.” – UpliftedLife.com

A Friend and Mentor Who Taught Me to Embrace the Basics

Ideas, words, and concepts are everywhere, flooding our newsfeeds on a second-to-second basis. The trick is to ask ourselves: Can I put this information to good use? Will this benefit my life? Can this help me grow into the best version of myself if I apply it?

My dear friend and mentor Kosta Stoyanoff, the founder of Uplifted Life, has continually reminded me of this ever since I met him in 2015. He also reminded me that all the inspiring quotes I post on Facebook or truths I intellectually understand will never replace the value of even the tiniest and seemingly ordinary steps I can take within my own life. Things like washing the dishes with care, eating a meal slowly, being grateful for what I have, taking more deep breaths throughout the day, being attentive and caring to my wonderful mother, and taking more time to really be there for the “little things” in life.

He would tell me that these small humbling shifts in my attention, perspective, thoughts, and attitude would not only add up to a HUGE shift in my health, abundance, and happiness levels, but would become the solid foundation on which I could begin doing truly meaningful work from a space of love rather than ego.

“The beginnings of all great things are small.” – Cicero

Now you’d think Kosta’s loving advice made it easy for me to commit to making those fundamental shifts. But the truth is, I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t slow down my monkey mind just yet. Although I nodded in agreement, my ego squirmed at the idea, and I instead spent another year searching for more — for something “bigger,” more glamorous, and more revolutionary than simply getting in touch with “ordinary” life…

I thought I needed to spend more time digging into childhood traumas and past lives to justify my wounds. I still searched for miracle supplements that would fix the health issues I was experiencing. I got involved in ambitious projects that I believed would change the world — without me having to change. I searched for everything and anything except what would bring me face to face with my own power and responsibility to transform from the inside out.

At the end of that year, I was more confused and disillusioned than ever before. My health had plummeted. My stress levels were still high. I was everything but at peace with myself — even after all the dizzying “self-work” I thought I was doing. That’s when I reached out to my good ol’ trusty friend Kosta again and said “I finally get it. I am ready to go back to the basics.“

“You don’t truly understand something until you apply it. Same goes for wisdom.” – UpliftedLife.com

When I Finally Began to Walk the Talk

Little by little, I began contemplating the ways in which I lived my life. I noticed just how much of my attention was fragmented in dozens of useless places — from false relationships to mindless smartphone usage. I began observing how often I would engage in defeatist self-talk despite all my “positive” Facebook posts. I saw how my mind would create an abundance of stories about what’s “missing” in my life, while ignoring the wonderful blessings all around me. And finally, I realized that the same amount of power, belief, and attention I put in negative thought patterns could instead be uses to fuel more positive perspectives and beneficial daily habits. It sure sounds simple, and it is! But it seems as though for most of us, the challenge of a lifetime is to let go of our attachment to an old story of self that gets in the way of us remembering and applying the most basic of truths.

“It is easy to think about complex things, but often difficult to apply the simplest things. The former can be entertaining, but the latter is where we get to grow and transform our lives.” – UpliftedLife.com

It’s Not About You

We think that “self-development” is all about getting our own lives straight. And yes, that’s a wonderful benefit! But the real beauty in becoming the best version of ourselves is how it positively impacts the lives of those around us. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom, serve coffee for a living, or run a major corporation, evolving into your highest, most loving, and kindest self is no small feat. It means children who will grow up to be wiser and more loving citizens of Earth. It means customers who will go back to their workspaces and families with a lighter heart. It means companies who will shift from self-serving motives to a greater purpose.

This is why going back to the basics is more than just a “cute thought.” When applied and embodied, they change your life. And when millions live by them, they change the world.

“Whether you accept it or not, each life is linked to all life. Your state of being, thoughts, words and actions create a ripple effect; much like a stone thrown into a pond. The quality of that ripple effect… is your legacy.”

By: Elina St-Onge

[frontporchlit]

FPJ Blog: “A Writer’s Role in Change”

Writers have a number of roles in society. We are able to topple both governments and hearts just as easily as we reinforce communities and souls. At our best we are champions of radical change in our readers by deconstructing the world around us, synthesizing it through unique language, and then molding it into art that holds reality to a different light. At our worst we muddy people’s perceptions, reinforce toxic views, ignore the downtrodden, and are hunted for daring to speak our truths. Yet we keep our arthritic fingers set to the page, simultaneously half as an artist trying to make words sound pretty and half a philosopher attempting to argue ourselves out of existence.

Across the world, people write for a multitude of reasons. In my own life I compose in order to corral and master my unwieldy emotions as well as figure out or challenge my opinions. I take my readers on the same journey with me. I do not write to provide simple, blasé entertainment or witty, pained one-liners about traumatic experiences. If by the end of my poem or story I do not succeed in making you question your reality, your beliefs, or the core principals you habitually live by then my work has not accomplished its task. If you can make it through one of my books without at least once being challenged and threatened with radical new ideas on old beliefs then I’ve sadly wasted your time.

It is the job of every writer and storyteller to take reality and show the reader its absurdity. In my opinion no one in human history has done that better than author Douglas Adams through his science fiction comedy Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Since before complex language developed and before we writers first scribbled in cuneiform on clay tablets, we have struggled to make sense of the universe. But as Adam’s writes,

 “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

Needless to say, we will likely never accomplish our lofty goal. The pursuit of this target has driven most, if not all writers, into varying degrees of insanity.

 Our bold—or naïve depending on your view—attempts to change reader’s viewpoints by calling out existing social structures so we may take a sledgehammer to them leads to many hating those who exchange blood for ink. Us, the ones who dare to upset the nature order of existence and topple oligarchs and unjust hierarchical authorities.

 But truth be told, I often can’t be mad at them for it. Through evolution humans have been dreadfully wired to create habits and fall into them, to carve out a section of the universe and then call it home where we plop down and stay. We delude ourselves into believing we have complete control over our lives, our world, and that we are gods ourselves with the universe ours to command. We learn how to love every one of our melancholy curves before going to sleep with them each night. Perhaps in the future via technological augmentation we will become a type V civilization and finally control matter to our own whims as we become a post-physical species. But until then we are weak, fleshy humanoid creatures with delusions of grandeur that often resist change.

 It is the job of the writer to analyze the world from afar and comment on it so as to help better humanity. For some readers that is terrifying. Fear of the unknown leads to archaic traditions such as the customary system or religious rituals being kept around. We dread losing control of what we once knew because we erroneously believe that if that one speck of our lives is gone then the rest of our world must be unraveling along with it. Tightly controlling small plots of land on a rocky planet flying through space gives human beings a sense of control in an otherwise uncontrollable universe. Because the inverse is to realize that nothing accomplished on this planet means anything in the grand scheme unless we think and behave on a more macro level. But our brains weren’t evolved to understand infinite space and so it too scares us. Everything that you may consider normal, from centralized nation-states to capitalism or to your propensity for chipotle is a recent creation that will go away as society progresses.

 Authors are the enemies of those in power when we pen our insights and analyze their artificial worlds. And we are the enemies of ourselves when we face our darkest days with a pen and a lamp daring our demons to consume us.

The important thing to remember is to embrace change and not to fear the unknown. It is natural to be afraid. But like the Animorph series from the late 90’s taught us: Transitioning isn’t all bad.

You should never stop changing. Let it consume you and your fears and then wrestle it back down. Fight your way out of its gullet with nothing but a ramshackle knife and your newfound resolve. The universe did not explode into existence and complex life evolve on this blue planet only for you to whimper statically in a corner.

 The biggest lie a writer—or anyone at all—will tell themselves is that they are insignificant. That their words don’t matter.

 Prove yourself wrong. Write yourself a new voice box if you have to. Be a spraypaint can holding the words of the revolution in your teeth. Write a treatise on your identity and then shove every page into a pile before standing on top of it and igniting the paper as you laugh at anyone who tells you the pain isn’t revealing.

 Just make sure at the end that you have changed the universe—or at least yourself.

Brent C. Green is a free verse novelist and spoken word poet from Bryan, Texas, who advocates radical thoughts and honest questions expressed in unconventional styles. He graduated with a creative writing degree focusing in prose from Texas A&M University and is currently pursuing an MFA in poetry at Texas State University. He has written and published three poetry chapbooks: Onus (2012), Protested Love (2015), and Revolutionary Heart (2017).

[theintrovertedeye]

Where to start? What to say? Most importantly....how to not come off as a pretentious asshole??? I’m really not sure if I’m pulling that off with any degree of success in real life, so I’m tempering my expectations in that regard. Perhaps you should as well. So why does an Introvert start a blog? The thought of notoriety.... beyond very localized occurrences 😁....has always given me chills. I’ve often said that I’d gladly take the fortune and leave the fame to others. But as it turns out...... I have shit to say. I have a story to tell. I have visions to share. I’m on a journey. Rather than continually holding my Facebook family and friends hostage to my long-winded bullshit and creating that awkward obligated feeling when a friend posts a damn book (maybe that’s just me)..... I figured I’d just put it out into the world and let it be what it is. *shrugs*

So this journey I mentioned..... I woke up not too long ago and found myself unmoored from almost everything that I had come to define myself by. Simply put. And this shit happened BEFORE THE ‘RONA!! My only child joined the Army after Highschool. Essentially transferring all physical parental responsibilities to the federal government (a few emergency cough drop and glove shipments aside) and opening up my mind to one of life’s scariest questions....... Now what? 40 is too early for a midlife crisis (I hope!) and I’ve spent years gearing up to steer my son through college and assorted other rites of young adulthood. That’s not at all going to happen in the way that I’d envisioned. He may still need me here and there but I found out something about my kid.... HE’S MY KID! and he’s apparently been paying attention all along! We had a bump in the road with the Army and as I was preparing to go full Dad mode and physically INVADE an army base..... dude handled his business. Like a goddamn ADULT! It was frankly like watching me be me in glorious 4th Wall slo-mo! This beautiful baby bird that once depended on me for life was adulting all on his own. Hundreds of miles from home. Becoming a fierce warrior person........YAY! But BOOOOOO! 😢 Now what???

I’ve always written poetry since I was a kid. One of the first things I ever bought myself as a child was a camera. A Kodak 110. I still remember the excitement of getting film developed and waiting to see if my childish shots had come out. I was born an artist but like so many of us, I was taught that arting wasn’t a serious pursuit. That you couldn’t support yourself, etc. So I starved the art and I went to work. Sometimes 20 hours a day. I birthed a business. I buried a business. I dove into parenting. I starved the art. Possibly even worse than that..... sometimes I only wrote poetry in pursuit of something other than poetry. I ignored this part of myself on the surface. Consciously. But when I really think about it, it showed in almost everything I did.

Even as a Security provider managing hundreds of officers....there’s an artistry to me. (You were forewarned of possible pretentiousness so shut your piehole and follow me!) On what I now recognize as the years long run up to Great Unmooring, I was gifted a camera by a strange man in the back seat of my car. That, in and of itself, is a story worthy of its own post.....and probably pretty soon as it is so integral to my journey. I’ll skip past it for now and just tell you that it woke me up. So many things happened around that time that screamed at the artist in me and I was embracing them. I was about that life! I was driving for Lyft after a near catastrophic breakdown (while working for 24 hours straight) caused me to quit my corporate gig. I was free. Ideas were flowing. I felt GOOD! Things were possible! I WAS BROKE! A “real” job called..... and I folded. I began to starve the art again..... but I had that camera. The gift of the camera came with an extracted promise that I would always stop and take the picture. In the moment. When you see it. And I have, for the most part, lived up to that. And now I want to share some of those pictures and some of that journey.

I’ll try to keep it entertaining. I think I’m a fairly complex man as far as men go 😂. My interests and hobbies are varied. This should be a fun ride! I invite you to join in and ask questions. Make respectful comments. Whatever. Thanks for reading. Be well.

[reikisessions]

9 Powerful Lessons from People-Pleasers Around the World

A woman struggles to tell her boss that no, she won’t work overtime for the third day this week.

A man feels resentful in his relationship because he always gives, and his partner always takes.

A woman wants to stop faking pleasure in the bedroom but doesn’t know how.

Though their stories differ, these folks share a painful secret. They worry that if they are truly and authentically themselves, they will not be loved or accepted. They have spent their lives morphing into smaller, more “acceptable” versions of who they are, sacrificing their authenticity along the way.

I, too, am a recovering people-pleaser. In my teens and early twenties, I listened in envy as my friends splattered their unfiltered truths across our conversations like fistfuls of finger paint. Meanwhile, every time I needed to turn down an invitation to a party, World War III raged in my chest as I was racked with nerves and guilt. The thought of disappointing others terrified me.

I used to feel terribly alone in my predicament. Specifically, I was convinced that 1) I was the only one who struggled with this degree of people-pleasing, 2) there was something dreadfully wrong with me, and 3) I would be that way forever.

In the years since, my work has led me to speak with recovering people-pleasers, recovering codependent folks, highly sensitive people, empaths, and chronic caregivers around the world. From Ireland to Yemen, India to Malaysia, France to South Africa and more, I’ve spoken with folks who are conquering the people-pleasing pattern, setting empowered boundaries, and mastering the art of speaking their truth.

Their stories taught me that people-pleasing is a very common—and entirely breakable—pattern. From hundreds of conversations, here are the nine most valuable lessons I learned:

1. If you don’t speak your truth, your truth will speak through you.

At first, staying silent to keep the peace sounds like a good idea. Why speak our truth and deal with others’ negative reactions when we could stomach our own discomfort like champs? Those of us who played the role of peacekeeper in our families of origin will find this approach familiar, maybe even comfortable.

But people-pleasers around the world agree: external peace does necessitate inner peace. When you stay silent, the folks around you might be blissfully ignorant, but you feel the repercussions emotionally and physically. Debilitating anxiety, depression, jaw tension, and stomach aches, for example, are common symptoms folks report when they stifle their voice over an extended period of time.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Recognize that speaking your truth isn’t some corny self-help mantra: it’s a necessary prescription for a psychologically and physically healthy life.

2. If it’s hard for you to access your wants and needs, a great first step is to tune into your body’s simple physical desires.

Even those of us who have long histories of people-pleasing can access the sacred whispers of our inner selves through our bodies. As Martha Graham famously wrote, “The body never lies.” We can begin living our truth by listening for our bodies’ cues for food, sleep, movement, sex, dance, and play.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Sleep when you’re tired. Don’t eat food you don’t like. Don’t have sex if you’re not in the mood. Dance when you want to dance. The more you practice listening for these simple wants, the more complex desires will arise.

3. Expecting others to mind-read your needs is a recipe for resentment.

In the past, I spent undue time and energy analyzing others for cues of their likes and dislikes. I was a bonafide chameleon, tailoring my colors in whatever way I believed would please others most.

Given my hyper-vigilance to others’ preferences, I believed that if people really knew me and really loved me, they would predict my needs, too. Unfortunately, you can’t love your way into being a mind reader, and I was regularly disappointed when folks didn’t show me care in the way I wanted.

When we assume that others should automatically know how to take care of us, we assume that we all share the same definition of being cared for. You might need your partner to say, “I love you,” but your partner might show her love by rewiring your toaster.

Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages depicts five distinct ways folks show love, including words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Avoid the guessing game and explicitly communicate your needs often.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Explain your needs to loved ones to avoid mixed messages that could lead to painful miscommunications.

4. Caregiving can be selfish when we don’t have a strong foundation of self-love.

Many people-pleasers take care of others because it gives us a sense of value. We structure our identities around being reliable, generous, good listeners, and maybe even sacrificial. However, if we give care to others without taking care of ourselves—without developing our own interests—we may find that we need to be needed to feel a sense of purpose. This means that we may insist on caregiving even when our efforts are no longer required, requested, or welcome, which can violate someone else’s boundaries and autonomy.⠀

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Give yourself the degree of love and care you’d regularly give to others. Pay your bills. Go to the doctor. Take quiet time. Treat yourself to a nice dinner. This way, when you do make the decision to take care of others, you can do so with no strings attached.

5. Just because it feels awkward to state your needs and take up space doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means it’s new.

Many of the folks I spoke with remembered how scary it felt to state their needs and take up space at first. To them, it felt “impossible,” “terrifying,” and “overwhelming.” Can you relate?

That discomfort is a natural growing pain. After all, breaking the people-pleasing pattern means rewriting the scripts you’ve followed since childhood. Maybe as a kid you were told that speaking your truth made you unlovable. Perhaps you were bullied in school for being different and made fierce efforts to blend in as a result. Regardless, you are breaking a years- or decades-long pattern of making yourself small. It will feel less challenging with practice.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Instead of interpreting anxiety as a sign that you’re doing something wrong, reframe it as an affirmation that you’re doing something new—and growing as a result.

6. It’s totally normal to feel mean, guilty, or overwhelmed after setting a healthy boundary.

If you grew up in an environment where you were punished or neglected when you expressed your true feelings, learning the art of honest expression is a radical act. The simple act of setting a boundary may feel like an enormous emotional upheaval. You are learning how to stand up for yourself, and like any new skill, it takes practice.

After setting a boundary, you might wonder if you’re a bad friend/mother/colleague/[insert role here]. You’re not, of course, but your nervous system needs to learn that with time.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Acknowledge that by setting a boundary, you’ve just done some serious emotional work. Hold yourself with compassion and give yourself permission to rest and recuperate.

7. If you struggle to set boundaries, you might have a tendency to cut people out when resentments arise. Learning to set boundaries will help you maintain your relationships through moments of conflict.

For much of my life, I was unable to maintain a single close friendship for more than a year. It seemed that every friendship eventually withered away—not with a bang, but a whimper.

When I sat down and reflected on this pattern, I realized that when conflicts arose—and conflicts will naturally arise in all meaningful relationships—I had chosen to let the friendships fade instead of addressing, and resolving, my grievances.

People-pleasers might cut folks out when we don’t have the tools to communicate how we really feel. When we break the people-pleasing habit, we develop the ability to have difficult conversations with friends and loved ones—which enables us to nurture and strengthen those relationships.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Contrary to popular belief, boundaries are an invitation to connect. Remember to consider the many ways that setting boundaries will benefit, instead of threatening, your relationships.

8. Sometimes extroversion is just people-pleasing at a social scale. For some of us, breaking the people-pleasing pattern means learning to embrace our own introversion.

As people-pleasers, we regularly act against our instincts to become a version of ourselves we believe is lovable. For many of us, the bubbly extrovert we present in social settings is really just an unconscious performance. In my conversations with many people-pleasers, I was shocked to hear gregarious, fast-talking folks share that all they wanted was permission to be quiet. “I want to trust that I’m worthy of love even when I’m not entertaining others,” they would say.

As children, we may have received love only when we actively acted in an outgoing, cheerful manner. If our parents were addicts or suffered from mental illness, we may have acted as their de facto caretakers, providing sunshine, reassurance, and good spirits. As a result, we feel that in order to be loved, we must be constantly happy or outgoing—and we are exhausted by it. In adulthood, we’re tired of performing and we crave inner peace.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Practice giving yourself permission to not always be “on” around others.

9. There is no “right” way to feel after leaving a toxic relationship.

I had to leave a platonic relationship recently. It was a friendship that had many beautiful parts and many toxic parts, and my decision to leave was fraught with indecision.

In the aftermath, I felt a hundred ways about it. I felt grief at the loss. I felt empowered for advocating for myself. I felt anger at the circumstances that led to our dissolution. I felt compassion for my friend’s limitations, as well as my own. I felt self-doubt and found myself second-guessing whether I handled the conflict properly. I felt hopeful for friendships yet to come. And I really missed my friend.

There is no right way to feel after leaving a toxic relationship. Relationships are never one-dimensional, and so our emotions when they end will rarely be one-dimensional, either. You can simultaneously be certain you had to leave and miss the person terribly.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: When you leave a toxic relationship, recognize that all of your feelings are legitimate. You don’t need to pick just one.

⁠—-

Years and hundreds of conversations later, my initial understanding of people-pleasing has shifted entirely:

The myth: “I am the only one who struggles with this degree of people-pleasing.”

The truth: If you are a recovering people-pleaser, you are far from alone. Millions of folks worldwide are doing the challenging and rewarding work of learning to speak their truth. There are even Facebook support groups like this one designed specifically for folks who are working to conquer the people-pleasing pattern.

The myth: “There is something dreadfully wrong with me.”

The truth: As a kid, people-pleasing was likely how you secured love and affection from distant, neglectful, or self-centered caregivers. It was a survival strategy. Now, you can give yourself permission to let it go.

The myth: “I will be this way forever.”

The truth: People-pleasing is not a life sentence; it is a pattern that you can break with practice and intention. You can seek support from friends, therapists, and coaches as your practice the art of radical self-expression.

As hundreds of folks around the world made clear: With time and intention, you can master the art of speaking your truth and find the strength, authenticity, and inner peace you’ve been waiting for.

About

Hailey Magee

Hailey Magee is a Certified Life Coach who helps individuals conquer the people-pleasing pattern, set empowered boundaries, and master the art of speaking their truth. She has worked with over 100 clients across the United States, France, Yemen, Ireland, South Africa, and more. Sign up for a complimentary, 30-minute consultation to learn how coaching can guide you to live from a place of strength, authenticity, and inner peace. You can follow Hailey on Facebook and Instagram or visit her website, www.haileymagee.com.