#we have CRAVED the soft lars stomach and now we have it

[ken-dom]

Soft Lars stomach btw if you even care

[artemisrogers]

Stone Cold Crazy Lars Ulrich x OC (age gap, food, Vanilla play and Load/Reload era)

Diamond Newsted doesn't know how to express the feelings she has for Lars. When she ends up seeing Lars kissing Kirk she shuts herself in, but little does Diamond realize the truth gets revealed.

I couldn't be any more uncomfortable with everything right now. My social anxiety was high and I fiddled with my fingers. I was sitting next to James and across from Kirk at the restaurant, while Lars was at the end of the table in the booth in a chair. Dad sat next to Kirk and everyone was talking to each other. It was a few hours after the concert so the energy was still high. I mixed my drink again for the fifth time in the past 30 mins I've been in here!

Of course I had to distract myself from the fact that Lars was here. I really liked Lars but of course I'm too much of a scary cat to tell him or anyone that, not even Dad. Dad shot me a look asking with his eyes if I'm ok? I gave him a soft smile and felt my stomach drop when I heard Lars' cute laugh, at some corny joke Kirk made. I just wanted to eat and get out of here at this point, as I let my hair fall in my face to hide my blush. One day I'll confess.

After a late dinner and a few drinks we finally took the bus back home. I was about to sit in my seat when I looked back at Lars. I saw what I was hoping wouldn't happen, as Kirk kissed Lars once right on his pink lips. Sitting down a little too hard I winced in pain as I felt my tailbone hit the plastic on the seat. James shot me a look of confusion at my actions.

Great.

Lars kissed Kirk. Kirk! I felt an emotion that I didn't think existed as I glared daggers out the window. I didn't want him to be with Kirk, Lars was supposed to be my man! My little Dainish man, but no I had to keep my mouth shut like a bitch. Once we got home I went upstairs a little bit too fast hoping no one noticed. I closed my door and cursed when I heard it slam shut. Shit, I just had to draw attention to myself and let people know I'm hurt and jealous.

Listening for any signs of people coming twoaefs my room. I decided to go to my dresser and open the one drawer I had, specifically for if I was stressed, in a bad mood, or just hungry. Sometimes I either don't or forget to eat. I took out my can of wip cream and a thing of tapioca pudding. I sat back on my bed and enjoyed my little treat shaking the can of wip cream and squeezing the fluffy food on the pudding. I know that Dad and everyone knows I have snack and shit like that in my room, but I still feel self conscious about it.

A soft sigh escaped my mouth as I had my dessert. About fifteen minutes go by and I'm on my third pudding so I know I'm stressed out like a cat and a vacuum cleaner. I almost dropped my spoon and empty pudding cup when, I heard a knock on my door. Quickly shoving the closed wip cream under my blankets and tossing the spoon and cups in my bin to kick under my bed. I gave whoever it was permission to come in.

I swallowed softly as Lars Opened my door. I could never get over how handsome he was! Those blue eyes always full of emotions and thoughts. Perfect lips that I crave to taste. I pulled myself back to reality as to not give him any hints of how much I wanted him in that moment. I felt the jealousy hit me like a freight train and almost said something.

"Hey Diamond you have a couple of minutes?"

"Y-yeah what's up?" I stuttered.

"Well it's kinda important. I know it's kinda gonna sound crazy and shit, but I can't ignore how I feel around you anymore." He said running his fingers through his hair nervously his cheeks turning a bright pink. It dawned on me that he was confessing his feelings for me. Right to my face!

"You l-like me?!"

"Yes Diamond, a lot more than you think. I can't stop staring at you, it's like your a magnet towards me. Pulling me in and falling harder for you." Lars said smiling sheepishly.

That's when my intrusive thought kicked in and I leaned in and kissed his cheek. Quickly pulling away I blushed red as a tomato. Lars' eyes widened for a sec then he softly chuckled at my kiss. What I didn't expect was for him to get up and close the door quietly, nevermind locking it as well. I looked down my heart beating fast as a rabbit. I felt him sit back on the bed and grab my chin making me look up at him.

"Look at me darling, I know what's going on behind those beautiful eyes of yours. I'm more than willing to do that if you're comfortable with that."

I couldn't believe what he just offered to me. My hips shifted as I scooted a little bit to him. Completely forgotten about the wip cream can I jump. Lars caught a glimpse of the lump under my comforter and smirked. Fuck even his smirk was hot! I felt myself clench my thighs as I bit my lip.

"Hiding something I should know about?"

"Just um...a wip cream can." I said my voice cracking softly.

Lars laughed softly at my little display as he pulled back the sheets and grabbed the can. My eyes watched curiously at his movements. Lars grabbed my left arm and pulled up my sleeve of my shirt, exposing my forearm to him. He sprayed a little line of whip cream on my forearm and leaned down to slowly lick it off me. I gasped softly feeling his warm tongue slide up my forearm.

"You like that lille blomst?" Lars said speaking dainish.

Little flower.

I nodded my words stuck in my throat. He took that as a yes from me and tiled my head and pushed my hair back so my neck was exposed to him. I licked my dry lips my breath shallow. Again he put some on my neck and began to suck my neck this time. A moan escaped me, my nipples hardened under my top. Lars pulled away and traced the mark he made on my neck.

"So fucking responsive to me. I have a feeling you like it rough."

"I'm not sure. I-im still new to all of this." I confessed. Lars' eyes showed me that he understood what I meant.

"You're a virgin? Or you never had experience with a Dom before?"

"I'm not a virgin. I just never been with someone this kinky before."

"Ah I understand, well how about this? We'll start vanilla for the first time, then work up to rough sex in the future ja?" Lars said as his hand ran down my chest.

I nodded and feeling bold took the whipped cream can from him. I looked in his eyes as if asking permission to even look at him. Lars chuckled and held out his arm. I sprayed some on like he did and licked it off his forearm, causing a soft moan to come out of him. I felt him pull me into his lap as I straddled his hips. He leaned in and kissed me deeply his tounge seeking entrance in my mouth.

His taste is just as good as I imagined it would be! Sweet from the whip cream with a hint of whiskey from earlier. I felt his hands go under my shirt and run down my spine. I felt the heat of my pussy and pulse of my clit, causing me to moan softly against his neck. Lars growled softly in my ear as he unclasped my bra underneath my shirt.

"Such a good girl. Let me take care of you tonight." Lars said as he pulled out my white strapless bra.

A soft moan left my lips again when I felt my hard nipples, stick up after being covered up. I need to feel him inside me. Lars grinded his hips against me eliciting a whimper when I felt, his erection. Lars said something to me in Dainish again. I loved hearing him speak his native tongue.

"I need you Lars."

"I need you too lille blomst." Lars said his voice was rough with need.

Sitting me back on the bed he stripped down to his boxers, giving me a good view of his body. I wanted to touch and explore him so badly that, I made grabby hands like a child with their parents. I heard Lars make a clicking noise wagging his finger at me. I let out a whiny noise at his denying, I knew he was teasing me trying to get me riled up.

"Strip."

"Y-yes sir." I said as I pulled off my top and bottoms leaving my damp pink panties on.

I heard him hiss softly as his eyes raked my body. I'm not much to look at with my small breasts and kinda fat but still flat tummy. I whimpered his name loudly as he grabbed both my breasts, squeezing and running his rough fingers over my nipples. I was practically soaked in my panties as he kissed and nipped my skin.

"Fuck your gorgeous lille blomst. I can't wait to taste you."

"hah ngh Lars."

"Aw so needy! Just the way I like my submissives." He teased slowly pulling my panties off exposing my wet pussy.

He groaned his breath hot against my cunt. I wanted to see what was under his boxers.

I put my hands on his back, his skin soft and warm. I moaned his name loudly when I felt his tongue plunge into my cunt's wetness. In and out he lapped up my juices, making me make all kinds of sounds I didn't think would come out of me. I hoped that no one could hear us. My nails dug into his back and I moaned his name as I came hard.

"Mmm you taste so good when you cum baby. I can't wait any longer."

Lars sat up and pulled his boxers down his hard cock standing at the ready. Fuck he's big! I clenched my thighs again my breathing in short gasps. Lars gently grabbed my ankles and spread my legs open wide. I whimpered my clit swollen and my pussy glistened. I heard him groan in the back of his throat.

"Such a pretty pussy. Don't worry I'll be gentle Lillie blomst." Lars said as he got in-between my legs and pushed inside me slowly.

I moaned as I adjusted to his size and girth. Once I was comfortable he slowly thrusts his hips hitting my g-spit every time. I finally was having sex with him, my danish boy. I gripped his shoulders trying to push him deeper in only to, feel him gripped my hips tightly. He thrusted faster still gentle with me and his soft grunts and my sounds filled my room.

"Fuck I'm gonna cum baby. Gonna cum. Ohh fuck!" Lars moaned as he let out a grunt as I felt his dick pulsing inside me.

As he filled me up both of us heard a knock at the door making me panic. Lars shushed me thrusting once finishing emptying his load inside me. I heard the door open and Kirk swearing. I tried not to breath and Lars kissed my neck helping me relax.

"Jesus Christ Lars! Y'all know what a lock is?!"

"Aw shucks maybe I forgot."

"You know what nevermind I'll talk to you later." Kirk said mumbling under his breath as he closed the door. Both of us softly laughed as he pulled his softening cock out of me. I was happy that this happened to me. I felt Lars kissing my lips as I kissed him back.

"You want to go for round two?"

"Y-yes please!"

[tytytheshynarrator]

A Zaunite in a Piltover World

Chapter 11

-Pairing: M/F

-Rating: Teens, maybe

There he stood, Viktor. Your body craved several things all at once. Seeing him there marked your return to the surface. Your brain flooded with relief, no more fighting to survive. You could go back to your place on the couch and read the night away.

Anxiety filled the pit of your stomach, you had so much work to catch up on. That would have to wait, you desired a hug from Viktor. Also, a shower, as you were still covered in the blood of the men you had killed.

Concern for your appearance washed over you. In the Undercity you cared little of what people saw you in. You were Silco’s “attack dog” after all. However, up on the surface you were the councils toy. Trying your very best to hide your outfit and remove any traces of your night was all for nothing. Viktor limped his way over to you without another thought. You had returned to him.

Tossing his cane to the wayside, he wrapped his arms tightly around your back. Burying his face into the crook of your neck, he let out an audible sigh. You now understood your absence was felt by at least one person. Honestly, the only one you cared for. This moment was a dream come true.

You nuzzled your face into his chest, inhaling his scent. The smell and touch of Viktor crashed through your senses. You wrapped your bruised and battered arms around his thin waste. He clearly had lost weight since your departure. So had you, life without each other seemed detrimental, you never wanted to leave his side again. If his hug was any indication he never wanted you to leave him again.

The two of you stood there in the middle of the bridge, holding each other tightly. “Dear?” Your moms small, soft voice broke your hug apart. Embarrassment tinted your features. Bright red blush charted its way across your face. It had not been only your face, but Viktor's ears now burned bright.

You parted like awkward teenagers, who had just been caught. “Are you going to introduce me?” She chortled. Sputtering out, you replied, “Mom this is Viktor, Heimerdinger’s assistant.”

Viktor reached down, grabbing his cane before limping over to your mother. He extended his hand and greeted her. “It is a pleasure to finally meet you Ma’am.” Viktor may have been addressing your mom, but his glowing amber orbs never left your thinned face. He did not care what you looked like in this moment. All he could process was the overwhelming happiness he had to finally have you back. Viktor did, however, enjoy seeing you in something other than your issued uniform, this outfit looked more like something you belonged in.

As much as you wished you could stay with your two favorite people and live happily ever after. The peace never lasts forever, a sheet of fog passed across the end of the bridge. As it cleared, a line of Enforcers emerged and stood blocking the path to Piltover. They caught your attention first, then Viktor's as he saw your demeanor change.

Placing your hand on the sword that was housed on your back, you lowered your stance preparing for a fight. You would protect these two with your life. Your instincts of the Undercity took over, placing yourself between the Enforcers and your mom. You barked out nearing a feral tone, “What do you want Marcus?” The lead Enforcer was surprised you knew of him, let alone his name. He spoke carefully, unsure what else you knew about him. “The Council has issued a warrant for your arrest. If you come quietly we can get this over quick and easy.” You placed your fathers sword into your mothers hands, before turning around and raising your hands in surrender. “This has to be a huge mistake! She is a part of the academy staff!” Viktor shouted at the advancing Enforcers.

Before being dragged away forcefully, you flashed a reassuring smile to Viktor. “I’ll be okay.” It was too much for your mothers heart to take, watching her remaining child be taken from her as well. Her body fell to the ground, Enforcers rushed to her side. A particularly large and brutish Enforcer scooped her up from the ground, as he rushed her down the street to the local Hospital.

A gag was placed over your mouth, so no one would be able to understand your ramblings and pleas of innocents. You were tired and confused. Your mind wandered as you were thrown into the back of an enforcers cab. What had you done wrong? Had the council known about your small massacre in the Undercity? Or was it because of your relationship to Silco. You had so many questions and you were unable to ask anything with your mouth the way it was.

The ground and your body connected; with a soft thud you were thrown into a cell. The handling of you could have been better, it was not exactly like you were fighting them. You had been fighting the whole day prior your stamina was drained along with your energy.

As the sun set on the first day of your return you curled up on the floor of your cell, too tired and sore to move. They had not even taken the cuffs off your hands or the gag over your mouth. You were from the Undercity unlike Jayce so of course you be treated worse. You just did not know how much worse they would treat you.

A splash of ice-cold water hit your sleeping form, “What the hell!” You yelled from behind the gag. Trying your best to readjust your sleepy eyes, you looked up to see Marcus standing above you. He really was a vile person, some of the worst types of people. If the mortal sin of pride could embody a human it would have been him, Jayce was a close second you chuckled to yourself.

Swiftly a boot connected with the side of your face. Causing you to fall back to the ground, you spit blood from your mouth. The gag began to change to a crimson red, as your cheek stung out in pain. Was Marcus going to be your executioner you thought. Continuing your train of thought since you could not vocalize it. You wondered if there was a worse way to die.

Marcus placed another kick to your stomach this time. You retched bile from your throat, followed by a death glare directly at Marcus. You had had enough, standing up you dodged his next few kicks and swings. At this point he was panting in the doorway to your cell, you on the other hand stood calm and collected. No more free shots.

Narrowing your eyes, you glared at him with murderous intent, if you ever found him on the streets of the Undercity you would have killed him by now. Marcus finally spoke to you, “Come on traitor, the council wants to speak with you.” Those words were rich coming from him, you knew he was on Silco’s payroll.

Nearly dragging you down every hallway, Marcus threw you into the doors of the council room. Colliding with the doors, you stumbled through them. Trying your best not to fall heels over ass, you toddled into the room. Marcus smirked at your clumsy walking. ‘He really is a vile human being’ your mind screamed.

Marcus dragged you by your cuffs, which linked your hands behind your back. Your wrists were sore from being forcefully dragged places like a dog. His final toss of your body caused you to kneel before the council. Locks of your hair hung down your face, parting over your glowing orbs. Your eyes were filled with hatred, you had done everything the Council wanted you to do. Glaring Mel down like a rabid dog, you knew this was her doing. Always wanted to look like the ‘good guy’ while pulling everyone’s strings.

Her face softened at your treatment from Marcus. You were a person of high intelligence not an animal, you should have been treated as such, yet here you were. Beaten and abused on the floor before the Council like some frenzied deranged mut. Heimerdinger’s voice demanded the whole rooms attention. “MARCUS! You free that young lady this instant.” Marcus shot him a look before opening his mouth to retort. “She is a very dangerous traitor!”

“You heard the councilman, free her!” Mel’s tone was stern. Marcus’s face looked defeated as he released your bruised wrists. You pulled the gag down from your mouth before examining the rings of bruises the cuffs had left behind. “What is the meaning for her treatment?” Heimerdinger demanded.

Marcus stammered out some lame excuse, before trying to take his leave. Mel eventually gave into his desires allowing him to leave the room. There you stood surrounded by the most powerful people of Piltover, oddly the Chem Barons and Silco had been more intimidating. “Why am I here?” your hoarse voice rang out in the silence.

“I never intended to have you arrested, just transported to us.” Mel’s fake apology almost caused you to roll your eyes. Reminding yourself to remain respectful to these people was hammering away at your mind. They were the only reason you desired to remain in the Undercity. “Seems there was a bit of a disconnect in orders.” You snipped back at her. You were far too tired to deal with them. All you wanted was to go be with your mom and maybe a proper shower. Not another ice bucket.

“Seems so, do you know why we summoned you here?” Cassandra’s voice was next, you were grateful to her for moving this meeting along. “I have no idea and I am far too tired to play a guessing game.” You really had spent too much time in the Undercity with the way your sarcasm was the first response. She was slightly taken aback before she replied, “We have sources that tell us you killed your way into the Last Drop.” You sighed out before she continued, “They also tell us you worked for a very powerful man while you were there.” She really was drawing this out, acting like you did not already know what you had done in the Undercity. “Yes, that is correct. I assisted him to further gain my families freedom from the Undercity. I had to do what I had to do.” That last bit you threw in there knowing full well they would never understand the fight or die mentality of Zaun.

“With that mentality, it is why we have you summoned here and not rotting in a jail cell.” Mel chimed in, as if you were supposed to be grateful for that. Clearly your face had said what you were thinking. Heimerdinger finally spoke, “It was after much debate we have decided to offer you an ultimatum” His tone was a sad one. Almost unwilling. You perked your eyebrows waiting for the next person to speak. “We want to offer you a position as a spy for Piltover, due to your relationship and knowledge of the Undercity.” Your mind put together the other side of the ultimatum before they spoke of it. “Or we can return you to the cell and Marcus.”

Your tired brain was getting irritated with this meeting. They may rule over all of Piltover, but they truly knew nothing of Zaun. This really was the best outcome for you anyway. You could still keep your promise to help with Zaun and keep your life on the surface. “I’ll do it.” Your stoic voice answered. The council looked pleased with the outcome of the meeting, all except for Heimerdinger. What did he expect you to do in this situation? You would have to ask him later.

“Your title and position are still yours, along with the home.” Cassandra reminded you. “Along with the home, please feel free to finally rest there tonight.” Mel added. Ah yes. You pulled out your house keys, you had an actual home to return to.

“You are dismissed, I think this goes without saying. What we have discussed in this room stays between you and the council.” The robotic looking man threaten as you walked away from them. Rolling your eyes as you exited the large meeting room. Graced with the sight of Marcus waiting for you. You had to extinguish your anger; this was not the Undercity. Striding pass the man you flipped him the bird, as you smirked knowing he could no longer abuse his power over you.

“Finally,” you exhaled while pushing the doors to the outside open. Your eyes noticed a metallic cane resting against a wall, along with its owner. His darkened eyes were closed, you wondered when the last time he had a proper nights rest. Jokingly you uttered it was probably when you left. Viktor was waiting for you in the same place you had just a few months ago during Jayce’s trial.

Your mind wondered, maybe sneaking a hug from him was okay in this moment. Shuffling over to his resting posed form you slid in between his legs wrapping your arms around his waist. Viktor shifted his place with you, pinning you against the wall. His eyes searched your face for any hint of fear, as his mind awoke from its fog. He had instinctually trapped you under his large frame before his mind could catch up.

Emerging from his fog, his eyes softened seeing your face covered in a few large gashes and dark purple bruising. Viktor slowly brought his cold fingers up to your cut lip, softly stroking it. “We should get you seen by a doctor.” He voiced his concerns. Closing your eyes and resting your forehead on his firm chest you replied softly, “Can that wait ‘til the morning? I really need a proper shower and a good night’s sleep.”

Viktor held you against him until a voice caused both of you to jump. Shoving the taller man away from you, you directed your attention to the female voice. “(Y/N)?” Sky’s unsure tone called to you. You offered her a small smile, “Hey Sky.” You did not know what to say. Here you were holding onto the man she loved, again.

Sky ignored her jealousy and darted to you, wrapping you in a tight hug. Your eyes filled with tears, had she forgiven you, you wondered. “I am so happy you’re okay.” Her voice was muffled from burying her head into your shoulder. You weakly hugged her back; your strength was leaving you. It had been a few days since you had properly slept or eaten.

Pulling away from you Sky looked you over like a worried mother hen. She saw you had been beaten and bruised. “Who did this to you?” She demanded as if she was going to hunt them down. You chuckled at her anger on your behalf, this was your old friend you had missed so much. Separating from her hold you jingled your keys. “Should we head home?” as your two friends stared at you.

Sky spoke up, “I am actually on my way to the library, I have a test in the morning. I’ll have to see you around.” She waved at you and Viktor before leaving you for the library. You could still tell she was head over heels for Viktor, even knowing his affection towards you. You let out an awkward sigh, knowing you would have to deal with those issues at some point.

“We should get you home, before it gets too late.” Viktor said placing his hand on your shoulder. If you were not so worn out you would feel some form of nervousness, but that took too much effort and energy. The two of you turned in the direction of your new home. Apart of you was excited to see your first home.

Viktor tried his best to keep the small talk and questions to a minimum, in hopes to not further your exhaustion. He did have a million questions and topics to talk with you about, although he knew there was a place and time for that. That time was not now.

You arrived at a decent sized cottage style home. The outside of the home was covered in half brick and half white stucco. The dark wood trim around the features of the house was pleasing. It fit your idea of a perfect meadow cottage; however, it was near the heart of the Academy grounds. Another negative about the placement of your new home was the distance from Viktor's apartment. Maybe he would agree to staying the night with you. It was getting late.

You walked up to the elegant front door, placing the golden key in the lock. It turned with ease, causing the door to spring open. The inside of the home was a drastic contrast to the outside. Where the outside was homey and welcoming, the interior was cold and minimalistic. You rolled your eyes, understanding that two people were probably in charge of the projects. You stepped inside turning the bright white lights on, exposing the thin layer of dust over everything. This reminded you, that you had been gone for over 2 months.

Turning around you expected to see Viktor behind you, he was not there. Tracing your steps back to the front door you saw he was waiting for you outside. Awkwardly he shuffled his feet avoiding your gaze. “I should probably go home now.” Your face shifted to hurt and fear. “Right.” Your tone gave away your true feelings. Viktor looked up to meet your saddened eyes. He offered you a small smile unsure of how to respond. He opened his mouth to wish you a good night, in spite of how he desired to stay with you. Before he had the chance to utter his goodbyes you cut him off. “Please stay.” You blurted out as your face turned a dark shade of red.

“Are you sure?” He said scouring your face for any hint of jest. You were being serious, Viktor entered your home, shutting the door behind him. The two of you were finally alone. He finally had you all to himself. He could not be any more pleased with how tonight was turning out.

[belladonnaandulriched]

the artist | chapter twenty-nine

Chris still hadn't returned to the speakeasy by the time Lars, Joey, and I turned in for the night. The entire street had fallen dark and stayed dark by the time I figured it would be best to call it a night before one of us fell asleep standing up.

Lars meanwhile wasn't kidding when he said he would bar the front door closed with something sturdy, a la the support beam to the building: I actually watched him drag a chair and one of the bar stools towards the door to block it shut. He also took a broom and lodged it in between the handle and the door so no one would be able to open it.

Once the door was shuttered closed, we switched off the lights and headed back into the dark room to crawl under the covers of the sleeping bags. Even though I was nestled down between the two of them, I couldn't help but miss sleeping in my own bed and also snuggling up to Chris. I missed his touch right there next to me.

Lars was kind enough to cover me with his blanket, and Joey snuggled up close to me, but I missed it all, though. Add to that, he was at the hospital with Stone and Dave.

The pandemic had made me claustrophobic in a retroactive manner: I would see photos of crowded city busses or jammed crosswalks in cities like Seattle and New York City and my skin would crawl at the thought of just one person there with the virus. Even when things began improving, I would go to the supermarket with my mom and see a person without a mask covering their face and I would be reticent to approach them to even so much as take a can of beans off of the shelf.

Add to this, there were people like my assaulter in junction with all of the unrest across the country. Every man for himself, as I heard someone say at one point.

We all had gone back to basics almost overnight, and to the point everyone wanted a slice of it all no matter what the cost.

I had my fears, and such that I could hardly fall asleep, even with these two boys on either side of me. I closed my eyes and I thought about the times I had difficulty with my art, from the lack of support to being able to get some kind of clout with it even during the height of the pandemic. I saw from the very beginning that being an artist was hard, and that it would take hell or high water to fight our way to the top. But after the potential theft earlier to my own assaulter to my own father discouraging it even with everything at a standstill, I started to wonder if it was something I truly wanted for myself.

I started to wonder if it was even worth it, if all I was going to receive in return was a series of doses of screwed over ad infinitum.

I finally managed to fall asleep as I buried my face in Joey's chest. It was something warm and something soft, something that I missed during the thick of it all. But no sooner had I fallen asleep when Lars woke us up at that ungodly hour to go out walking.

Joey was quick to get up but I lay there for a few minutes and watched them both get dressed. As Lars laced up his shoes in the darkness, I finally hoisted myself onto my forearms.

“I dunno—it's kind of a long walk, though,” I said to them.

“It ain't that long,” Joey assured me as he put on his mask, “it's like a cuppa coffee, really.”

“A cup of Joey,” I corrected him.

“A cuppa Joey, exactly!”

“Are we still getting breakfast?” I reminded Lars.

“Hopefully,” he assured me. “That is if no one pulls us over on the street.”

“Why would someone pull us over?” I asked him.

“Neither of us have money and we haven't showered in a few days, either.”

I nibbled on my bottom lip at that. It was risky, but then again, Stone could have the virus and Dave and Chris still hadn't returned to the speakeasy. I rolled out from underneath the sleeping bag and Lars' blanket, and reached for my shoes. I slipped them on and stood up before Joey: even in the dim morning light filtering through the little window behind me, I could make out the sly look in those big dark eyes. He kept his eyes on me as I put on my own mask: tethers over the backs of my ears, right over my nose and my mouth. The mask protected my face and my lungs and it allowed me to look into his eyes. He nodded towards the door for me, and I followed him out to the dark hallway; Lars lingered right behind me as we made our way to the door out to the porch. Given Joey was the one with the longer legs out of the three of us, he held onto the rail and slung his legs over first, but he managed to help both Lars and me over, too.

He held my hand and he put his other hand on my side as I climbed over the railing. In the darkness, I noticed Lars keeping close to me to ensure I didn't fall ass over teakettle onto the grass beneath us.

The suffocation I felt looking at crowded spaces aside, the gentle touch of another person's hand was another thing I craved to see during the height of the pandemic, the protests, the fires, and everything just falling sideways. If nothing, that made me wonder why I even so much as bothered with the art and even the survival of it all.

The deserted streets were illuminated by nothing more than the golden street lights and the bluish twilight from the sunrise at our side. Nothing to see here, just a walk about a neighborhood at five o'clock in the morning towards a freeway overpass. We got about a mile away from the speakeasy, and right underneath the overpass, when Lars told Joey and me to stop right in our tracks so as to catch his breath.

“We really need breakfast,” he told us, panting.

“Yeah, I'll say,” Joey added, “we got about five blocks from the place and my stomach started makin' weird noises at me.”

“Well, why didn't you say something?” I asked him.

“Hahlly, you saw those neighborhoods—like nuthin' was open.”

“Well, we're here at the overpass and it's about another mile or so before we get to a cafe or something.”

“Come to think—who knows if one will be open,” Lars remarked.

“And Chris'll come back to the speakeasy and be like 'why is the door jammed shut?'” I followed along. “Shit. We did not think this through, didn't we?”

“Well, to be fair, it did get us out of there,” Joey pointed out.

“If Chris didn't return to the speakeasy all through the night, who knows when he will be back there during the day,” said Lars.

“He might, though!” I insisted, and then I stopped myself.

“What's the matter?” Lars asked.

“The garden,” I muttered.

“What about it?”

“Dave told me he and Stone would be screwed if someone from the outside world found out about it, because of the whole thing from the pandemic. It has to be essential or they could get into a heap of trouble.”

“It is essential, though,” Joey joined in, and then he stopped himself.

“You're telling me that needs to be protected now?” Lars raised his eyebrows at me.

“That's exactly what's she sayin', dude,” Joey pointed out.

“So, change of plans,” I declared. “We go to the garden to make sure Dave and Chris aren't there. If they aren't, we stay there until they get there.”

“Okay, how do we get there?” Lars asked me, to which I fetched up a sigh. It was already hard to walk a full mile from the speakeasy without having eaten or drank anything—I couldn't imagine going all the way down to the garden on foot, either. I peered up the street, beyond the overpass to the sight of a rather large bicycle leaned against the wall on our side of the street: even from a distance, I could make out the sight of two seats on top of the body. I returned to Joey; I glanced down at his lanky but strong looking legs.

“Joey, would be willing to ride a bike for Lars and me?” I asked him.

“Huh?”

I pointed up the sidewalk to the bicycle.

“Hahlly, I ain't stealin' some poor schlub's bike for nuthin',” he scoffed.

“It'll beat walking the whole way down there,” I told him.

“Well, as long as we find sump'n to eat—I never did too well on an empty stomach when I played hockey.”

The three of us ambled down the sidewalk; as we came within sight of it, I noticed the thick body at the back. It was a trailer containing a bunch of empty flower pots and hats. It was as if Dave and Stone had both here before us, like they knew we were coming. Using the dim light of the streetlight, Joey, Lars, and I tried on the hats so we could have something, anything, covering our heads while we rode our way down to the garden. I found a hard bright red motorcycle helmet that slipped onto my head as if it was made just for me. Joey found himself a black one with a white stripe down the middle while Lars found one that covered his entire head.

“Looks like one of those deep sea divers,” Joey cracked as he tightened the strap underneath his chin.

I undid the hitch on the trailer as he climbed on first. I didn't realize it was a police man's bicycle at first, either: but once the three of us held onto each other on the double seat, and Joey pedaled forward, the streetlight shone down the little red glass jar on top of the handlebars and I realized it was a siren. He gripped onto the handlebars and I held him around his soft little waist. I could tell he was hungry by feeling him with the insides of my forearms: his stomach felt softer and more tender than normal, which meant he was completely running on empty. But his grip on the handlebars told me he was stronger than he looked. Lars meanwhile, held onto me for dear life given he was practically hanging off of the second seat. But on the other hand, it was either have Lars be comfortable in the trailer or have Joey work harder to pedal.

For a moment, I forgot which way to the garden given we were riding on back roads compared to the freeway, but once the familiar exit signs on the freeway emerged from behind the trees, I knew exactly where to go.

We reached a series of small intersections: a rather buttoned down neighborhood, albeit one that felt familiar. We were getting close to the garden. But every dip in the road felt like too much of one for me and Joey in particular.

I spotted a rather good sized one right in front of us, and I knew it would be one of those abrupt ones. I looked at Joey pulsating his fingers on the handlebars.

“Alright, check this out—” He yanked back on the handlebars and the front wheel lifted up about a feet. I yelped out and Lars shouted something in Danish but Joey managed to bring it back down to the pavement. We missed the divet by about an inch. I shook and shuddered from that, but Joey laughed like a madman right then.

“Come AHN! We can't be doin' this and not have a li'l fun!”

“There's no point if you can't play with it,” Lars chimed in with a muffled voice.

“Exactly!”

And then it hit me. No wonder why it felt like I wondered through a fog. I couldn't play with that fog, but Joey popping a wheelie right there made me want to make bubbles with it.

But we got about a block from the garden when I noticed he was moving slower. He hadn't been pedaling so hard as of late. He was breathing harder than normal, too.

“What's wrong, dude?” Lars yelled through the helmet.

“He's tired,” I called back.

“Fucking beat, man,” Joey replied in between breaths.

“It's alright, though,” I gently said to him, “—we're almost there—I can see the neon!”

“I—I can't—”

“It's okay, Joey—we're almost there.”

“I can't—I feel like I'm gonna pass out—”

It was right then I was glad all three of us all had helmets on.

[rochellebuckleyhandmade]

This is another post where I just don’t know where to start.

I feel it is important to give you a little background so you can appreciate the enormity of what I’m about to share.

For those of you who don’t already know, I have acromegaly.  A rare pituitary tumour that causes all sorts of grief and problems (I’ll expand more on that in a later post).  I think it was about 2007 when my diagnoses was finally confirmed.  I say “I think”  because I have a dreadful memory. I like to blame the tumour for that one.

It was long before my diagnosis that I knew something was wrong. I don’t know how long the tumour had been living quite comfortably on my pituitary, some specialists believe it may have nested either after the birth of my first born or shortly after the birth of my second.  There’s no way to know for sure.  My first child was born in 1995 and my second was born in 1998 so it may have been around for some time.

I remember struggling terribly with depression and anxiety which really began or esculated after the birth of my first. It was really bad,  although there were extenuating circumstances,  every medical professional I sought help from told me to suck it up and be grateful for the beautiful little girl I held in my arms. Not even a mention of post natal depression. I can’t help but wonder now if that tumour may have been responsible to a small degree.

As the years ticked by,  the depression esculated exponentially and there didn’t seem to be much I could do to stop it or even ease it.

By the time I was working I had piled on a stupid amount of weight but I didn’t understand why.  My joints began to hurt, I ached all over and I was always tired. The job I had at the time was managing a not-for-profit that mainly provided free or low cost groceries to those who needed a hand up.  The store was located in an industrial building with concrete floors, tin roof, no heating,  no cooling and not much of anything else either.  Although I only worked two and a half days a week I was always exhausted, increasingly tired and so,  so sore.

Me almost at my heaviest of 253kgs

I tried for years to tell my doctor there was something wrong with me but again,  I was told I was just too fat and needed to lose weight. Problem was, I couldn’t lose weight.  I tried everything, every diet and exercise known to man at that time.  Exercising became just too hard.  The pain of simply walking was unbearable.  I begged my doctor to help but again and again I was told I was just too fat.

I tried to continue living my life but I couldn’t.  I had to quit my job because I could no longer walk,  stand or get any relief from the pain.

I finally decided to see another doctor and I remember at one stage telling him that I’m not aching because I’m fat and weight bearing. If that were the case, why did my hands,  wrists, jaw,  neck ache and burn and hurt so much especially since they’re not weight bearing.

To cut a long story short, my doctor could see that I was very unwell, despite every test returning negative results.  It was so disheartening and depressing. Why was I like this? What on earth is wrong with me?  I began to think it was all in my head.  Was this something I’ve subconsciously created to overcome past hurts and failures?  Surely past stress couldn’t manifest into something this bad.

Finally,  in 2007 I received a diagnosis. Acromegaly.  I sat in my endocrinologist office and wept tears of relief.  To know that it was not in my head and there really is an illness was one of the biggest reliefs of my life.

I travelled from Lake Macquarie near Newcastle to Adelaide in September 2010 just one day before my 36th birthday to have the tumour removed.  It was such an adventure.  I loved seeing more of this beautiful land in which we live and although I was incredibly ill,  I remained wide eyed and completely enthralled on our journey.

Here I am in Rundle Mall, Adelaide just one day before surgery to remove pituitary tumour.  I had a craving for fresh oranges at the time.

By the time I was ready for this surgery I was quite unwell. My weight had ballooned to over 200kgs (223kgs to be exact,  that’s 492lb or 35 stone). I had lost the feeling down my left side,  I could barely speak,  partly due to swelling of soft tissue and I could not walk unaided. My vision was deteriorating rapidly and I was struggling to see.  My hands stopped working and I could barely even feed myself. The tumour had wrapped around my carotid artery and invaded my cavernous sinus. The surgeon was convinced he would NOT be able to remove it entirely. I could no longer drive and I was forgetting everything.  I even forgot how to cook and I had almost no memory of my past. I used to spend evenings with my sister as she regaled me with tales of my children growing up because I just couldn’t remember.  My mind was empty.

By this stage I had been receiving monthly injections of Sandostatin LAR or Somatuline Autogel for the past three years (from the time of diagnosis until surgery). Gee did this stuff made me sick. My stomach hurt all the time,  I would spend a considerable amount of my day on the bathroom.  My hair fell out, my skin hurt,  and I had a collection of cricket ball sized lumps on my rump at injection site that would become very bruised,  itchy and lasted about three months each.

I felt like crap constantly.

The tumour was removed successfully and entirely by Mr Santorenos.  Despite being told that I would not make it through surgery,  mainly due to my morbid obesity,  I’m still here to tell my tale.  We were told,  since I was so over weight and so ill,  I could expect to be in ICU for up to six weeks and another twelve on the ward and in rehabilitation – that is of I even survived surgery and didn’t have a heart attack or stroke.

Here I am back on the ward after leaving ICU. You can clearly see the fashionable nasal tampon, vomit bag and towel to try to relieve my thumping migraine.

I was out of ICU within 12hrs and discharged from hospital five days later.

Then my challenges began. Again. My recovery was incredibly slow,  arduous and painful. Regrettably I thought that everything would just go back to how it was pre-tumour. Oh how wrong I was. Why didn’t someone tell me it would be so bloody hard?  I spent the next twelve months flat on my back in bed.  I put this down to over doing it after being discharged from hospital.  We traveled home via the Great Ocean Rd from Adelaide to Newcastle.  It was stunning, breath taking and totally divine, but I had diabetes insipidus as a result of surgery. Cerebral fluid was leaking from my nose and every time we climbed a small hill in our car my nose would bleed and leak fluid, not to mention my smell and taste had gone after my olfactory glands had been damaged during surgery. This meant I would never smell or taste again. Something that I would have appreciated being told about pre-surgery, even if just to psychologically prepare.

The beautiful Loch Ard Gorge on the Great Ocean Road. I managed to kill my good DSLR on this trip. Just being sick and clumbsy.

Just at the end of my twelve months of being too ill to get out of bed, where my children had to feed me, toilet me, do all of the housework and everything in between, my husband left. At the time, I never saw it coming. I went into shock, my blood pressure went through the roof and as a result I lost my eyesight. Completely. No one knew if it would ever return. It did three months later. Not only did it return but some four years later, my eyesight (an astigmatism and shortsightedness) has improved so dramatically I need to get a new prescription every twelve months. My optometrist believes I will not need my glasses at all soon.

There has been so much that has happened between then and now. Challenges, crap, really tough times, including an horrific single car MVA just over twelve months ago in which I broke my neck in two places, my collarbone, five ribs and a bone in my ankle. I’ve struggled terribly with depression and anxiety and have found it very difficult to hold down a job with the chronic pain I experience.

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Me in hospital trying to walk again after my accident

I recently left the job of my dreams. I was so incredibly crushed. I loved the job, my work, the people, clients, my boss and my colleagues. Unfortunately the workload became just too much and my body and brain could no longer cope.  It just did not end well and I went into shock and commenced another cycle of grief. I am incredibly thankful that this cycle did not last long, thanks to my family and wonderfully amazing and supportive friends.

I can’t deny that my life has been pretty darn challenging but I am here to give you all hope and hopefully joy in your heart.

You see, whilst I was laying in that hospital bed in Adelaide some five and a half years ago, I started a rather rudimentary bucket list. In all honesty I never, ever believed I would be able to check any items off my bucket list, given my health challenges and my lack of financial stability (due to being unable to work for so long and fork out on medical expenses).

A few weeks back, I experienced a few events and read some stuff that has really given me a kick in the pants. This was a culmination of events, including my beautiful boy being beaten by an unknown drugged young man, a friend posting an interesting letter written by an 18 year old to his father and a blog article that, along with a few other things have combined to change my life for the better.

As a result of these events and with enormous thanks to my amazing, supportive, encouraging friends and family, I am beginning to see my bucket list come to fruition. Please remember that I have been told time and time again that I would never walk again, by now I should have been confined to a wheelchair at best. I should not be able to talk and I would be incredibly lucky to have survived beyond my 38th birthday. This year I will celebrate my 42nd birthday and between you and me, I plan to celebrate many more.

Well, I am here to prove those doctors and specialists wrong and offer hope to my fellow Acromegaly sufferers, those who battle mental health, those who can’t find the strength to go on. You can do it. You really can. If I can negotiate my way through this thing we call life, so too can you. Please, I implore you, DO NOT GIVE UP, EVER!

So what is it that I can share here with you today that I have checked off my bucket list?

Wait for it….

My dear friend took me skydiving!

Yes, you heard right. Skydiving.

Now, to most of you this may not be such a big deal, but for someone with a chronic illness, someone who has battled anxiety, panic attacks, depression and bucket-loads of self doubt, Someone who is completely terrified of heights and even more so of flying, this is MASSIVE!

Check out that goofy grin that hardly ever leaves my face. My dive instructor was absolutely amazing and I cannot recommend the team at Skydive The Beach and Beyond, Newcastle highly enough. I cannot thank my dear friend Doug enough either. Without his constant support and belief in me, not to mention his spontaneous suggestion I attend with him the evening before over dinner with Bec, I would never have accomplished this dream. Heartfelt thanks to you Doug.

Yes it was raining, yes it was freezing but it was so flipping awesome I just can’t wait to do it again.

If I had listened to those most of those doctors, specialists and other naysayers, I would not have experienced one of the most amazing thrills of my life. I would not have checked another item off my bucket list, I would not have found the courage and strength to over come. I would not be here today offering encouragement and moral support to you.

Please do not ever give up on your dreams. I can completely understand that life can be one great big fat challenge, obstacle and barrier, but please try to not let it beat you.

This event took place just four weeks ago and I have so many other adventures to share with you since.

Stay tuned and find joy.

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Learning to Live Again – New Adventure #1 This is another post where I just don't know where to start. I feel it is important to give you a little background so you can appreciate the enormity of what I'm about to share.