#we got home two days ago from my cousins funeral

[clonecaptains]

my favorite thing is my dad yelling and swearing loudly at everything right before we go to a family gathering and having to pretend im not triggered by it

[dalliancekay]

Aziraphale does NOT need to suffer MORE

Can't believe I have to say this. TW: grief, mourning, death (sorry) I have, since falling into the fandom 6 months ago to escape real life, seen many takes on how Aziraphale needs to (or at least should) suffer in S3 to match Crowley's suffering. As the counterpart to the moment Crowley thinks he lost Aziraphale as he's looking for him desperately in the burning bookshop....

...after this he drinks, we suppose, to dull his pain, waiting for the Armageddon. Or, for the way Crowley suffers at the bandstand argument, the 'I Forgive You' moments, which many people find utterly devastating and incredibly heartless from Aziraphale. Not to mention when he doesn't react in the 'right way' to Crowley's confession in the Final 15. And then on top of that, 'abandons' Crowley. For Heaven. Oh and also for, and I quote: "The smug and entitled way Aziraphale went around in S2 assuming Crowley would love and follow him everywhere." And so for all this pain that Crowley endured for him, Aziraphale should suffer in S3 (to I assume) even out the scores. Or... to deserve Crowley. Some people also want to see him lose it, show his emotions, to cry or beg or otherwise show how much he misses Crowley and how very sorry he is for what he has (so thoughtlessly) done.

Now for the TW grief content I motioned above. You can skip to the next sentence in bold.

I was on holiday late September last year, visiting my mum, stepfather and my two younger brothers. We went to a cousin's wedding. It was great. The day after, as I was hanging out reading a book, my mum got a call. The kind of call every mother fears. My youngest brother (he was 27) died in an accident. We needed to speak to police and the coroner. She cried and cried. She's still crying. She asks questions. She gets no answers. I...did not cry. I talked to the police. I googled a funeral home. I bought my brother his last set of clothes. He lived in a hoodie and torn black jeans. Mum wanted a suit. I texted a lot of people. I bought snacks for the many friends who came to the funeral and wanted to speak to us after. My grief feels like a vice. I am not sad. I do not appear sad. Contrary to what people expect. But I am ANGRY. I am furious. But nobody can see this. I am not fine and I wish no one would ever* ask how I was again. TW/Personal content over. WE ALL SUFFER DIFFERENTLY Since I was small (because I am weird like that) I genuinely wondered if, finding myself in danger, I could scream like people in films do. I don't think I could. I cope with hard situations, fear and stress and anxiety by shutting down, sometimes by retreating as well, and by furiously (but quietly) trying to find a way out. And I think Aziraphale does the same. And that's why I love him so much. And why I feel I get him and understand that people sometimes can't tell how much he's actually feeling. I also express love the way Aziraphale does - by organising things for people, inviting them places, making plans. When Crowley said you call me for three things (and it's basically any old reason) I felt SO SEEN. This is what I would do with a friend who I know is feeling unmoored, sad, stuck (Crowley's 'What's the point of it all' at the beginning of S2). I'd text them with any old thing. I'd never actually say I love you, but I would try to get them to talk, meet me, go somewhere. Aziraphale does not express emotions the same way as Crowley.

But his emotions are valid nonetheless. He is worried for Crowley from around 3 minutes into their acquaintanceship. And he NEVER stops worrying from then on.

And are we quite sure he has never lost Crowley?

How many times did Aziraphale's heart freeze in horror when he realised Hell has taken Crowley and he had no idea if he'll ever come back and what is happening to him?

How did Aziraphale spend the night after vanquishing the demons and starting a war? He had no idea where Crowley was. What happened to him. He was probably sick with worry that Hell just took him away. We didn't see him drink and cry, but surely, the worry must have been overwhelming. The wait for what will happen now.

ALL his worries over the Arrangement. Was he worried for himself? Do we really think that?

Crowley thought he lost Aziraphale in S1, yes, we saw that. And what happened to the angel then?

He got blown into atoms which I bet wasn't pleasant and when he arrives in Heaven he limps. Why is he hurt? And why is he quickly pretending he isn't? Why is he always hiding how he feels? Also, he immediately deserts, wants no part in the Holy War and quickly finds an extremely unconventional way to get back. It's not a grand gesture, he doesn't deliberate, doesn't worry that he will Fall (although surely that must have been what he thought will happen if he survives this), there's no pomp around it, he thinks it and then does it. No hesitation.

Is this coming from an angel who just can't leave Heaven behind and longs to be a part of it? Who loves to follow rules? And let's not forget in those moments Aziraphale thought Crowley was most likely gone. That he probably left for Alpha Centauri. Last he heard from him he was told he was talking to an old friend and had no time for him. Why we NEVER talk about how that might have felt for Aziraphale? About his sadness?

Things are not as simple as Aziraphale has been supressing his emotions and lying to himself about how he feels and he should get over it and become free. That's not how this works. First of all, he was suppressing his emotions OUT OF LOVE. His main goal was always to keep Crowley safe. They simply couldn't run away or hoodwink Heaven and Hell. They had nowhere to go. They had no hope and yet they kept loving each other. That's courage. I know we all grew up with Romeo and Juliet and Heathcliff and Cathy and we FORGOT that those were CAUTIONARY tales. And this is not what Aziraphale wants for them. He would never allow himself to go so fast he would hurt Crowley. He feels guilty enough for agreeing to the Arrangement and for meeting Crowley at all when he knows they can be discovered and punished at any point. And Crowley knows it and RESPECTS it. He does not tolerate Aziraphale's decision to not go on a date and to hell with circumstances. He understands Aziraphale's reasoning and he respects Aziraphale's decision. Don't forget, they have NO POWER. They can't change Heaven and Hell. They can't stop believing in God and work on their religious trauma. Their Heaven and Hell are real places with real power and they both BELONG to them. Aziraphale's trauma and his personality are deeply intertwined and he'd probably never be the kind of person who is open in showing their grief or stress like Crowley does. He will learn to be more open, I'm sure. With his love especially, we see him reaching for and touching his demon in S2. Openly being with him, looking at him without guarding himself. They got a little bit of freedom for themselves despite ALL odds. So. Just because Aziraphale is not crying and screaming and I dunno, tearing his hair out or whatever some people would have him do, does not mean he isn't overflowing with pain, fear, uncertainty, doubts, worries, and so much anxiety that if he let it all out, half of the solar system would turn to ashes.

Aziraphale does not need to suffer in S3 to level out Crowley's suffering. They are, unfortunately, equal in their pain as they are in love. If there is one thing Crowley would never abide, it'd be this take from the fandom. * One more note on grief: (obviously from my personal experience) As initiated by @anthony-crowleys-left-nut in a comment

It's not that I mind to know people care and worry etc, not at all. But asking how I am can only end up in me lying (fine, thank you) and both of us knowing it's not really true and feeling awkward or not lying (I feel like shit, mostly cos I can't sleep and think the world is a stupid, unfair place) and both of us feeling awkward anyway. Does that make sense? I wish I could tell friends/colleagues to ask what I've been up to or something similar instead. What I've been reading (um, AO3, but I'll make something up), watching, do I want to go see some spring flowers bloom (I do). I think...this would probably work not just for someone who is grieving but also for someone who you know is dealing with depression for example or a serious illness etc. Edit 2. It's now almost (in 15 days) a year since my brother died. The random attacks of pain and grief have lessened and I have started to do more of the things I enjoyed before... and I am able to answer how are you questions without feeling like they are trying to mock me (the questions, not the people). So I suppose things do get ... lighter? More diffused? I'm not sure. Because it's still exactly as unfair that my brother has not lived this past year as it will be however many years I will be here without him I expect.

[hylianengineer]

I've been having a lot of feelings about the cultural aspects of food recently. Usually, this is a topic that makes me angry because my food allergies and intolerances keep me from participating in a lot of it, but I've had a lot of more positive - if bittersweet - experiences lately.

My grandfather died of cancer just over a month ago. It doesn't feel like it's been that long - I still catch myself talking about him like he's here. But when he got the diagnosis, my sibling and I made cinnamon rolls using his mom's recipe - my great-grandma's. This is The Iconic Dessert in my family. Great-grandma Gladys was a restaurant owner and fantastic cook, and many of her recipes have outlived her by decades already, but this is everyone's favorite. Normally I make it gluten-free and vegan to accommodate various family members' dietary restrictions, but this was 100% traditional, as close to how his mom would've made it as we could manage.

It's been nearly two weeks since the funeral and I'm still eating leftovers. In Midwestern culture - and many others - when shit hits the fan, you bring food. Right after he died, everyone was bringing food to my grandma. More than she could eat, and it was a little overwhelming, but I still find the gesture sweet. Because that's just what we do in our culture. Someone dies, and we make food. So the grieving family doesn't have to. To keep our hands and minds busy. Because we have to find some way to express all the love and pain we're feeling - and so we make food. Or buy food, nowadays - my cousins showed up unannounced with Kentucky Fried Chicken, which I previously could not have imagined my grandmother eating. (She has a home economics degree and the closest she normally comes to eating fast food is Chipotle.) Desperate times and desperate measures, I guess?

One of the fondest memories I have of my grandpa during the last few months of his life is watching him eat the apple pie I made him, with apples off the tree in my backyard. I wasn't expecting to find apples there, it was July and unseasonably early for them, but then this tree has always been a bit odd. I picked the biggest, least buggy apples I could find and then spent hours cutting them up and painstakingly carving worms out of them. It was honestly pretty gross, but there is nothing I would have rather been doing. He didn't have much of an appetite by then, but he did eat the pie with more enthusiasm than anything else in those days. My dad took a photo of him eating a slice of it and it's the last one I have of him - I treasure that photo. It was the last time I saw him alive, and the last thing I said to him was 'see ya.' None of us thought we were out of time, but if we had to be, that's a pretty damn good last memory.

[eyeslikewatercoolers]

wedding planner au first family holiday 💕

AHHH this sounds so cute. I decided to go with the first family Christmas after Kerri is adopted for this one. Also I didn't mean for this to be 1.3k words lmao See this post for some references mentioned in this fic!

"Why does your room look like a tornado went through it?" Sasha asked as she hovered in the doorway of her daughter's bedroom.

Kerri usually kept her bedroom fairly clean, but it seemed that half of her closet was scattered on the floor. Even though they were about to leave to spend Christmas Day with Anetra's family soon.

"Because I have nothing to wear." Kerri came into view as she plopped on her bed, on top of the clothes and hangers. "What am I supposed to wear to these things?" she sighed as she slumped against her headboard.

“What do you usually wear for holidays?” Sasha asked as she carefully found a place to sit on the long storage ottoman.

“Before or after the foster house?” Kerri asked as she rolled her eyes. “Either way, I’m not wearing my old church suit.”

“I know, Kare-Bear,” Sasha said with a sympathetic smile. She started using the nickname before the adoption was finalized, which Kerri liked hearing. “So what were you thinking?” She asked, looking at the scattered clothing.

“No idea.” Kerri pursed her lips as she looked at her clothes. “What are you and Anetra wearing? I don’t want to stick out too much.”

Sasha looked down at her cream sweater and bootcut jeans, “Probably this, maybe some mascara and lipstick before we head out.” she shrugged.

“So you don’t dress up nice or anything?” Kerri asked.

“My dad's side of the family never dresses up for anything, besides a wedding or a funeral.” Both looked to see Anetra leaning against the door frame. “And they already love you, even though you haven’t even met most of of them yet.”

Anetra picked through the clothes on the floor, before finding a gold sweater with small white cats all over. “What about this one? Although I don’t remember seeing it before.” She held it up for Kerri to see.

“That’s because it’s Jasmine’s. She left here two weeks ago and hasn’t noticed yet.” she pointed out.

That gave Sasha an idea, “You should wear it tonight, maybe it will help you feel more comfortable.” she offered.

She watched Kerri’s face as she thought, “Maybe I could wear that, I know it’ll fit me.”

“We’ll go get the car ready and meet you downstairs soon.” Sasha gently squezzed Kerri’s knee efore leaving the bedroom with Anetra.

"We've been here for over an hour, and you still haven't left this chair," Sasha told Kerri after finding a moment in between talking with family to sneak off. "And getting up for the bathroom doesn't count."

Kerri frowned in response, "It's just really different from other family Christmases, I guess." she shrugged as she looked around.

"In what way?" Sasha asked.

"Usually it's church service, then I watch my siblings and cousins since I was the oldest, then we go home," Kerri explained, looking out the window to a group of cousins playing outside. The group was bigger than what she was used to, and a wide variety of ages.

"That sounds more like work for you than fun." Sasha pointed out, and Kerri thought for a moment, before nodding in agreement. 

"Don't let us loud Filipinos scare you off." Anetra appeared on Kerri's other side. She was holding a blue bundle of blankets that Sasha had last seen in her arms.

"How long have you been holding your cousin's baby for?" Sasha playfully asked her. She had a feeling Anetra may have had baby fever when she was excited to meet the newborn a few weeks before.

"She hasn't asked for him back yet," Anetra said in mock defense, "And he's wearing the onesie we got him too!" she showed Sasha and Kerri.

Sasha playfully rolled her eyes before turning her attention back to her daughter, "I think the kids are going to have hot chocolate and watch Home Alone in a bit."

"You're probably bored of listening to your aunties gossiping about their soap operas too," Anetra added in a low voice, glancing at the group of older women sitting across the room.

Kerri tried to stifle her laughter as Sasha tried to lead her to the kitchen, "C'mon, you can be on whipped cream and sprinkles duty." 

A couple hours later as the night was drawing to a close, Sasha watched more family members say their goodbyes and leave to go home. Even Anetra started looking more tired as she tried to hold a conversation with her grandmother.

She started gathering her family's belongings and new gifts as Anetra began to notice and start to help. Once everything was in the car, Sasha found the remainder of the younger cousins watching Home Alone 2 in the den of the house. She smiled to herself as she saw Kerri sitting in between two female cousins around her age., quietly chatting.

She waved Kerri over to the doorway, and before she could say anything, Kerri spoke first, "Is it okay if I spend the night?" she asked. Sasha knew that the younger cousins and grandkids that lived closer liked to spend Christmas night at their grandparent's house. She would have never guessed Kerri would want to stay as well, especially for her Christmas in the family.

"Oh, I guess you could," Sasha said, trying to hide her surprise. "Do you have everything you need? We can bring you something from home if you want." she offered.

"I don't think so, I think I have everything I need here." Kerri beamed before hugging Sasha goodbye, "Thank you."

Sasha wrapped her arms around her daughter, "If you need anything, just let me or Netra know, okay? Just call us and we'll be right here. Love you, Kare-Bear." she smiled as she let go.

"I know, I love you too."

"At least we can have a nice drink tonight," Anetra said as Sasha settled next to her on their living room couch, passing her a small glass of eggnog.

Sasha took a sip of her drink before finding a coaster on the table. "I'm still worried about Kerri, what if something happens?"

"She'll be fine, she's in great hands," Anetra said as she scrolled through the holiday movie selection on Netflix. "She knows that we'll answer the phone no matter what time at night."

"I know, I'm just hoping this is a step in the right direction and her cousins don't just make her watch the little kids," Sasha said.

"They wouldn't do that, that's more of a white people thing," Anetra joked. "She's going to love it. I wish I had that option instead of going to boring Mormon church all day on Christmas when I grew up."

"Sounds better than no celebrating anything at all," Sasha said matter-of-factly.

"Good point. Wanna watch A Christmas Prince?"

"Of course I do, we watch it every year." Sasha laughed as the movie started playing, pulling Anetra closer to her by the waist.

They quietly watched the movie, and let the autoplay start the next movie. As the beginning scenes played, Anetra spoke up as she took the last sip of her drink, "Hey Sasha?"

"Yes, sweetheart?" Sasha responded as she looked away from the screen.

"I want another one," Anetra said out loud as she turned down the volume of the TV. She continued to stare into her empty glass.

"Another what? Do you want another drink?" Sasha guessed.

Anetra sat up and looked at her wife, "No, I want another kid." she said. "I've been thinking a lot, and I really want us to be parents again," she said in sincerity, holding Sasha's hand.

Sasha nodded, understanding where Anetra's baby fever was coming from for the last few months, "I want to see our family grow too." she smiled. "I can try to call that social worker to see what kids we can adopt, or we can look into other options soon, too."

"I want to try carrying a baby." Anetra said, "I know we'll probably have to find a sperm donor and go to a lot of doctors, but I want to try to get pregnant."

"Then that's what we'll do after New Year," Sasha said as she gently kissed Anetra's cheek. "Even though holidays with a newborn sounds like hell."

"I think it'll be a Christmas to remember."

[lantur]

tw cancer, tw death, tw grief / life update

I was having a nice day on Saturday. I woke up, made a tea latte, did some yoga, went for a run, went to get groceries.

Around 3 PM I got a call from my mom and aunt, letting me know that the hospice nurse said that they expected my dad to have 24 hours or less to live. This was a huge change from previous estimates of a week-two weeks. Derek and I booked airline tickets same-day from Minneapolis to CA. Our flight wasn't until 9:30 PM.

We were at the airport, past security, waiting for our flight to board, when I got the call from my mom saying that my dad had passed.

I had prepared for this since he was diagnosed 10 months ago - I had prepared for this since he started hospice - I had prepared for this since the last time I saw him in April - but I still wasn't ready. I thought I was ready, I thought I would be ready, but I wasn't.

Derek held me when I broke down weeping in the middle of the airport. We flew 3.5 hours to CA, were on the road for another 1 hour, and got to my parents' house at past 1 AM. It was hell. It was a hell day.

The hell got worse the next day when we saw his body at the funeral home. I walked to him and automatically said "Daddy? Daddy?" like I always used to, and he didn't respond. He didn't say anything. It was hell. The worst thing I've ever been through.

My aunt and Derek had to go back to home (Pennsylvania and Minneapolis respectively) yesterday. My mom and I attended my dad's funeral today. Seeing the hearse, driving behind the hearse, was really hard. My dad taught me how to drive, and I used to sit in the backseat when he and my mom drove me around when I was a kid, and now I was driving behind the funeral hearse.

My mom and I were so nervous about the funeral, but it was beautiful. It was at a veterans cemetery, peaceful and quiet and beautifully maintained. The ceremony was beautiful. It gave us peace and closure.

My dad was 70 years old. He grew up in Chennai, India, in abject poverty, the youngest of seven kids, raised by a single mom. He grew up to become a pharmacist, and moved from a couple of decades of retail pharmacy work in India and Dubai and the United States, to moving to outpatient and inpatient clinic pharmacy management after he enlisted in the Air Force. He loved pharmacy so, so much. He was so passionate about it. His last job before he retired was an oncology pharmacist, at the same chemotherapy infusion clinic where he ended up receiving his chemotherapy after a diagnosis of small cell lung cancer.

My dad grew up in poverty, and his own dad was never around. He worked hard and provided for my mom and I.

I have had a lot of pain and grief ever since my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I could write for pages about it. All I can say is that I hope nobody has to see a loved one suffer and lose their life due to cancer, because it's hell to witness. I have the greatest empathy and love for others who have witnessed this painful process in their family.

All I can say is my only consolation is that my dad lived a long life. I know there are so many people who tragically die younger. My only other consolation is knowing that we are all united in grief, because this pain of losing a loved one comes to all of us someday.

This past few days, this past month, this past 10 months, has changed me irrevocably. I have new fears, new anxieties, new understanding (and fear) of death and mortality.

I also have more understanding and appreciation of life, how temporary it is, how important it is to live life to the fullest while we can, and how important it is to appreciate the people we love. My husband, my friends, and my aunt and cousins have been so supportive, carrying me through something so devastating. Even work, even my boss, who has been so understanding.

And to everyone on tumblr who has been so supportive during this journey. People who read my posts, who liked them to show solidarity with my feelings, who commented, who sent me messages of support and kindness. Thank you.

[toriaurorawriter15]

Kidnap, my heart

Chapter 10: The News

All my life, I wanted a mother who would care for me. 

Dowager Violet Bridgerton did that and more. 

The first time Mrs. Violet embraced me was filled with love and adoration. I accepted her hug and broke down in her tender arms.

Since that day, she has given me birthday cards, get-well cards, and much more for every big celebration.

I remember smiling so hard that my cheeks hurt for the rest of the day as she approached me at my first book signing event under my legal name, Penelope Marie. 

She would get in line with the rest of the fans and ask, "Will you sign my book for me, Lady Whisledown?" before smiling with pride and proclaiming in a motherly tone, "I am so proud of you, dear." That phase still kills me to this day.

It didn't take long for the rest of Colin's seven siblings to bring me into their family affairs. 

Eloise Bridgerton found so many things in common with me that we became best friends. 

Since that day, Eloise and Colin would fight over my attention. 

At first, I didn't know how to react to this new experience, but after a few months of being in their lives, I would laugh at witnessing their teasing fights about spending time with me before scheduling separate times with both siblings.

Daphane and her husband, Simon Hastings, were the first to invite me to their first son's second birthday party. 

I was so grateful for the invite and introduced the family to my family's traditional recipe of The Featherington's Peanut butter crumble. 

To this day, the family is obsessed with the recipe, and I make sure to have extras because Colin tends to eat one tray all on his own after trying the desert for the first time at Auggie's birthday party. 

I remember the family glaring and stinking eyes at Colin for weeks until I doubled the recipe for the following Bridgerton event.

Viscount Anthony and his wife Kate knew about Levi's idea of having Colin kidnap me since the beginning and admitted to helping in the scheme after Colin asked me to be his girlfriend two summers ago.

Anthony said, "Levi and his friend visited me at the Bridgerton's Historical Society office. Levi told me his female friend believes Penelope Feathington and Colin would make a perfect pair. I wasn't sure it was a good idea until she betted on her life that Polin are soulmates. And that is when I decided to agree by helping them bring you two together.." 

As for Kate, she kept praising Lady Whistledown's praise until I let slip out to the new mother that I was the author after our yearly visit to their family country home, Audrey Hall. The second Colin learned about my secret, he brought every book I wrote and now always gifts their new family members with copies of my children's books. Seeing a copy as a birthday gift is still a bit embarrassing for me. 

As for everyone in the family, they saw how proud he was that his girlfriend was a well-known author in London.

Francesca and her deceased husband John bounded with me over all types of music. 

I remember receiving the unexpected news of his death from Eloise as she was visiting the newlyweds for the summer. 

Colin and I got the earliest fight to Scotland and stood by Fanny's side for a month. 

Throughout her mourning phase, she couldn't do anything but cry over his death.

As for the rest of the family, no one had the mindset to make preparations for his funeral due to their grief of losing him unexpectedly. 

With all this happening, I decided to take rein in the situation and made all the arrangements.

Everyone was grateful for my contribution, and Fanny thanked me at every family event until she met John's cousin Micheal.

Hyacinth and Gregory, do you remember the fraternal twins? 

Those two kids are like my world. 

I taught Hy to love romance stories, and I was Greg's first crush. 

It is amusing that a little boy could see me as desirable at a young age. 

Luckily, there was no heartbreak when I turned him down while Lady Violet and I scolded Hy for teasing him about his feelings. 

Still, those kids see me as their ninth sibling and always welcome me with big bear hugs.

After staying in Los Angeles for the summer, I have learned two things from being kidnapped by Colin Clarke Bridgerton.

The first is The Bridgertons showed me how to love through their actions, protecting and supporting each other.

A love that resulted in Colin admitting to me that he had feelings since our first encounter ended our summer togetherwith him asking me to be his girlfriend in the most romantic place in Long Beach and I accepted his request in a heartbeat.

The second thing I gained is the courage to break ties with my mother and Prudence. 

On the last day of June, I called Portia Featherington and told her, "Do not worry about me, mama! I will no longer be a burden to you. Or Prudence. Please do not contact me unless you are ready to rectify our relationship ."

My mother went blastic over the phone. 

Her last words on the phone to me were, "Penelope Marie Featherington! It has been a month since you called me. Where have you been, you ungrateful wrench!"

Before meeting Colin, her words would have cut me like a dagger. 

That night, everything changed. 

Rather than wasting time defending myself, Colin took the phone for me and cut my mother's lecture by telling her, "Mrs. Featherington, you may not even know me, but your daughter will no longer be in your life. I advised you to think about what you are saying. For it may be the last time Penelope reaches out to you. For God's sake! You should have called your daughter to see if she was okay and called the police when you realized she was missing! As Penelope has told you, she is well taken care of this summer by me, and as her boyfriend, I will not tolerate you calling the love of my life a wrench. Good day! And I hope you think carefully about your next move. For I will make sure to help Penelope with filling out a restraining order form against you."

Our conversation with my mother ended with Colin ending the call and holding me the whole night as I felt myself go numb.

It has been two years since becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, and so many blessings have come my way.

Colin has helped me block my mother's number and gave me everything I could ever want in a man. 

On our first anniversary of being kidnapped, Colin asked me to move to Los Angeles with him. I accepted his offer, and we moved into our home in Whittier on August 21, XXXX.

As we were christening our new bedroom in Los Angeles, I received an offer from Amazon to publicize my first novel. 

A year later, I received a request to adapt my story on Amazon Prime and recently accepted their offer.

As for my sisters, Prudence's phone and social sites are blocked by Colin's whole family and me, but I couldn't do it to Philippa. 

When Eloise met Philippa, she told my sister off for being horrible, and my sister didn't realize that her actions were impacting my mental health until she found me almost dead on the bathroom floor after my first month back in London. 

After the incident, Philippa made our living situation with our mother's home more bearable. 

I remember her defending me when Prudence ruined my dress for graduation. Her words were drowned out by her mother's cruel words, "Oh, shut up, Philippa! You are as dumb as people say that all you are good for is being a trophy wife."

Those words were the last straw for Philippa Featherington.

Unexpectedly, my sister grabbed me by the right arm, stormed out the door without acknowledging our mother's order for us to come back, and moved us into her boyfriend Albion Flinch's apartment. Since then, Philippa hasn't given both ladies the time of day until Philomena was born. 

As for me, I cut all ties with my family last year. 

After blocking my mother's number, Philippa called me to say, "Penelope, I am so proud of you, little sister. You have found a man who loves you like my Albion has with me. But you know why I am calling you, right." She dramatically pauses before counting on, "The mother of the devil surprised us with an unexpected call to see if I could get you to reconsider your decision."

I responded in a warning tone, "Philly! If you so much as bring up that the woman who gave birth to us, I will block your number."

Philippa's response to my warning was everything I needed to hear, and it repaired our bond as sisters.

"Pen, I am on your side in this matter. Our mother is a batshit crazy. And Pure is just as bad!" She begins to say over the phone while hearing my niece's little whines in the background, Oh, no sister! I am not letting them tear my new relationship with you apart. I would take a bullet in my brain for you than allow those two to get in the way of your happiness. Penelope, you are my little sister, and there is nothing they can do to pursue me otherwise."

Previous Chapter

[somewhat-adorkable]

Trigger warning for some graphic depictions of death:

The first dead body I saw belonged to my Grandpa Marcus.

He worked his whole life to provide for his family, only to be crushed by a cotton truck when he was in his sixties.

I was only four, standing next to his casket, I reached my hand out and froze. I understood this was not my grandpa, simply his body. Nothing more. But it felt wrong to touch, to search for life in something that was no longer living.

"It's okay," my mom whispered, squeezing my hand, "you can touch."

I did. Small fingers drifting over a cheek that felt like wax, not like warm human skin. When I touched his chest it crinkled from the filler they had to use to hide his gruesome ending. I shook my head at my mom and whispered, "that's not grandpa."

It was the first time I saw my dad cry.

Life went on.

The sixth time I looked at a dead body, I was thirteen, it was the body of my dad.

He looked swollen and purple, and the people around us kept saying how good he looked.

I knew they were lying.

He had violently choked to death on his own blood, while my mother screamed for the paramedics to hurry up and find our house.

They got lost on the way.

A five minute drive took them almost an hour.

He was long gone by the time they arrived.

I looked at his body, wondering how many people knew that when you're too tall for a casket, they cut your legs off so you'll fit.

I went back to school three days later.

Two girls in class had a discussion about how they would lose it if their father died, they didn't know if they could live without him.

Life went on.

Seven months later, during spring break, my grandmother died on the floor in front of me.

The neighbor, a paramedic, heard the call go out over the radio and kicked the door in to get to us.

To help me keep her alive.

I got asked hundreds of questions about medications, if she was slurring, if she could stand before she fell.

Her last coherent words were 'dont worry'.

I didn't ride in the ambulance with her.

She looked beautiful in her casket

Life went on.

When my mom's boyfriend lived with us, he owned a rollback service. He worked for the county, picking up wrecked and repossessed cars.

The night before Thanksgiving, we were called to a fatal crash. I rode with him.

The driver, a teenage boy, had been taken away by ambulance.

The girl's mangled body was pinned under the truck.

An officer handed me her phone and asked me to turn it off, the screen lighting up with calls and texts from her mom, wondering where she was.

The picture on the lock screen was my cousin Courtney.

The mangled mound of flesh they removed from under the truck was her.

The funeral was closed casket, I heard my aunt scream for God to take her too

Life went on

A couple years ago, the day before my birthday, we found my uncle dead.

He was supposed to come over but never showed, so we went a few doors down to his house.

The door was unlocked, and he was on the floor

Eyes open and unblinking

He had been hiding that his house was rotting, the dresser in his room having fallen through the floor and to the ground below

He never asked for help

Gave all his money to his daughter

We wouldn't let her into his house, didn't want her to see the conditions he has been living in.

I went to work after

Later that day a bullet came through the window of the house I had been cleaning.

I wondered if I would have gotten to see him again.

Life went on.

I called my god father to tell him I was making chicken wraps for dinner. He didn't answer.

Not uncommon, on Sundays he and a lot of his friends went out to eat for lunch, riding back roads on side by sides and gocarts to get to a little backwoods restaurant.

I figured he would call back when he could hear me.

Not long after I heard sirens.

Turns out, as they were leaving to come home, a woman had stopped her SUV on the other side of a blind curve.

When he and Antony, one of my brother's good friends, rounded that curve on their gocart going 55mph....

Well, gocarts are much smaller than SUVs.

One was decapitated, the other had his face and head crushed completely flat.

No one on scene could do anything to save them.

The woman sued their families for 'emotional damage'

I didn't make the church wraps.

Life went on

The day after my girlfriend moved in,

I was on the floor folding clothes, she was sitting on my bed, we were talking idly,

My mom walked in, and with certainty said: "your cousin was murdered."

"which one?" I asked

"Destiny."

My cousin was seventeen years old.

She and her boyfriend had been beaten and shot to death in a random act of violence.

She got her name because her mom never knew she was pregnant, not until she gave birth to a baby while in the shower, the day after selling all her old baby furniture

So she named the surprise baby Destiny

Then someone saw fit to make sure she never saw 18

Life went on

I took care of my neighbor for years.

Her daughter and law left the family because of the stress of the medical care.

I was just the neighbor kid that had been coming around my whole life, there was no reason for me to be the one doing hours of wound care,

Fingers up to my knuckles in the split skin in her legs, scraping off dead tissue.

The doctors at the hospital told me I was doing amazing.

One day when I was at work, she fell.

She died a week later in the hospital

Swollen, hardly recognizable, I thought maybe death was a mercy to her.

Her hand felt like ice in mine the last time I held it. I knew she would be sad her nails weren't painted pink.

I cried so hard at her funeral I threw up

My boss called to ask why I wasn't at work that day

Life went on

One afternoon, when I got home from work, my roommate in tow, my mom looked at us and said "I told my self I wasn't going to cry....."

She hugged me through tears and said, "we need hotdog buns."

I laughed a moment, asked what she was on about, she softly told me her bestfriend had died a little while earlier.

My god-mom had died the same way my dad died

Except this time the ambulance arrived in time

But it didn't make a difference

I didn't go to her funeral

Life went on

When my neighbors house burner, I had the flu.

But I ran outside anyway

In my pajamas, no shoes on

I ran through the burning grass to get to my uncle because he was screaming for help

He didn't have a phone, I called 911

Together, we got her out of the house

I couldn't see anything inside, the air thick with black, acidic smoke that burned my lungs and eyes

Her skin, fragile with age and heat, split under our hands

In the yard, I felt her rips snap under my hands as I attempted CPR, her lips a sickening mixture of cold and warm as I struggled to force air into her lungs.....

there was no soot in her mouth or throat

She died before the fire started

I repeatedly pressed my ear to her chest to try and hear something over my own roaring heartbeat and my uncle's devastated screams for me to please save her

I held her bloody arm to my chest and told her 'its going to be okay, I can hear the sirens, Ms.Myrtle. they're coming.'

I knew she couldn't hear me.

I sat on the ground with my uncle for over an hour, we clung to each other like a lifeline as firemen and cops whorled around us

His granddaughter panicked when she got home and ran to us, seeing the blood on our arms and clothes, I whispered "it's not ours, we're okay."

When the firemen found her cat, I took her straight to the vet.

In the silence of the exam room, I looked down at my arms and clothes, smeared with blood, soot, and now cat hair

I started shaking violently

One of the vet techs hugged me until I could breathe again

And somehow

Life went on

[exyugoth]

December 1st, 2022 (on grief and displacement)

As far as I can remember, at the age of 24, I have only been to two funerals. Both happened during warm summer days spent in Bosnia. I was just a teenager when I attended the first one to show support to my godmother, who had just lost her grandfather. He was buried in the orthodox fashion. Neighbours, friends and family were present. A priest said a few words, before singing a haunting prayer. Everyone was so quiet and sad. The second one occurred years later, when I was a young adult and my cousins, who live in Bosnia, lost their nana. She was buried in the muslim fashion, a street away from their home. Again, neighbours, friends and family were present. The imam and some of her male relatives prayed for her. The atmosphere was heavy. A lot of people cried and could not stifle their sobs. 

My grandpa, my dad’s dad, died when I was 15, but it is still feels like it only happened yesterday. I remember the moment I learned the news. I had been away for a week on a school trip to England. My grandpa had been sick for a little while and we’d get news over the phone regularly. I was young, so I didn’t think much of it, and my parents just let me be a carefree teenager. The day I got back from that field trip, my mum and my sister came to pick me up. As soon as we got home, I felt something wasn't right. Before we got there, the lights everywhere in the house were off. I asked “Where’s dad?” My mum took me to my room and put down my luggage there. She let me know my grandpa had passed away while I was gone and my dad had gone to Bosnia to take care of things. After that, I think I pretended I had to pee and locked myself in the bathroom to cry. We never were too good about communicating or sharing our feelings. I don’t remember much after that. I just know I felt really sad, but my parents made the choice for me that life had to go on. And so it did, except on the few nights I’m still occasionally hit by grief and I cry.

Death has hit a few other times since then. My grandma lost her sister during Covid, when travelling from France to Bosnia was impossible. I saw her melt in front of my eyes from grief. Only a year later, when they could finally go back, she was given some of her jewellery that she shows me from time to time. “Ovo je od moje Mine.” she tells me.

Then, a week ago, my grandma lost her brother, her only remaining sibling, from a devastating lung cancer. On a Thursday, his son called us to let us know he only had a few days left. My parents started planning a last minute trip to Germany where he lived, so they could see one another one last time, since Covid and old age had made travelling harder than ever, but he decided against it. He died on that Saturday.

"They were lucky to be in the same country when their relative died.” That’s a sick, selfish thought I had when I wrote those first few paragraphs. I try to make sense of things, and think for a second maybe if I got to bury all these people and say goodbye, it’d be easier. Of course, the reality is a lot different and it’s never that easy. As I got old, I realized wars create two types of distance, the geographical one and the emotional one. Because I don’t see my extended family that often, distance makes it hard to connect. If I don’t even get the chance to connect emotionally, it should be easy to handle death when it comes around, right? As a result, when I grieve those close to my heart, I think I mainly grieve what could have been. I grieve the stories I was never told about my parents, or my grandma, or their own life stories. I grieve the fact my sweet grandpa never really got to see me grow up and I never really got to see him get old. He saw me once a year, for a month. And, most of the time, I was too busy being a child running in the street with my friends, except for when he would force me to walk to the store with him so he could buy me all the chocolate in the world. Despite my occasional resistance, despite the little time we spent together, it was a widespread fact in the family that I was, somehow, his favourite grandchild. I always pretend I’m ashamed of it - because grandparents shouldn’t have favourites - but deep down I think I’m proud of it. I always wonder if he’d be proud of me today, were he still around. We both only got a glimpse of what our relationship could have been. I cannot wrap my mind around that kind of injustice.

In therapy, on Tuesday, as I sobbed because I felt like death kept knocking on my door too many times in a really short period and it was becoming inescapable and somehow the world kept spinning and life had to go on, I kept rambling about how impossible it was, because of the fucked systems we’ve created and continue to uphold, to live humanely.  “What if I wanted to stop everything for three weeks or three months to take care of myself? Of my grandparents? To deal with the fact even grief has to take a widely different form for us displaced people, and daughters and granddaughters of displaced people?”  “Why three months or weeks?” she asked. “I don’t know, Julia. Maybe all those years in Catholic school finally paid off and my subconscious can’t help but think about the Holy Trinity!” (Except I don’t actually call her by her first name, but I think it’d be funny if I did.) “But the point is I couldn’t do that!”  “No, you’re right, you couldn’t do that. You can’t stop everything for three months, but you can try to set aside some time to write down what you’re going through and take that time for yourself. You can do little things for your grandparents too. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

I think all these thoughts and feelings would take more than a regular lifetime to process. But I don’t know what to do with them, so I might as well write about them, as per my therapist’s suggestion. Send them off into the ether. Make them other people’s problem too. Anything to avoid keeping it to myself in my sad brain and dealing with it on my own. 

[itsbackwoodsbby]

Backwoodss’ Diary

TRIGGER WARNING: DEATH (A BIT OF POLICE TALK TOO), A BIT OF WEED TALK

Sunday, September 29th, 2024

So, my dad died September 15th, 2023. Today will be 2 weeks without my dad. I hadn’t seen before all this since August 5th, 2021, two days before my 18th birthday. Three years I hadn’t seen him and the first time I see him… he’s in a casket. (honestly, looking the freshest he’s ever been y’all … my dad was a wild man.) The last time I saw him, he was in that casket with a hole in the ground as his final resting spot.

Honestly… I’m fucked up… I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. He wasn’t there. I always knew he loved me, but I let the anger and jealousy just eat me up. I wanted to heal before I had a relationship with him. He was trying and I was ignoring him. Now he’s gone. I’m filled with so much anger, regret, sadness. I have been beating myself up. The first thing I did when I saw his body was say “I’m sorry.”

My dad was killed by police. He wasn’t doing anything. Just walking home. Really close to his house. Police just hit him with his unmarked truck. I don’t know much about it other than he was died on impact and he had head and torso trauma. Even if I did know anything, I couldn’t say much. In words of Cardi B, “Bitch, I still got cases opened, keep your mouth shut tomorrow” but if anyone is curious, I can put the news article on here.

Anyways, my dad left me with two amazing sisters and some amazing family members, like his dad (with his crazy ass but i love grandpa fr) and his auntie (whom is an amazing woman and y’all she can cook like a motherfucker. I got two cooks in my family. My mom’s brother and my dad’s auntie) and her kids and some new cousins. He also left me with some weird ass family. And I ain’t gonna say who did it… but someone stole some money from my dad’s gofundme for his funeral. No bad blood but I ain’t fucking with that shit.

My message to you: Love your folks. Forgive them for whatever they did. Hug them, cherish them. You never know what shit they fighting through. For me, I knew my dad’s relationship with his mom wasn’t the best (to the point, me and my sisters thought she was dead … but she’s quite literally alive and apart of the weird family members), but I never knew the severity of it and how deep it impacted him. And it doesn’t excuse the fact he wasn’t there, but it makes sense of why he wasn’t there. It’s like he told me when he was still here, “How do you be there for someone when you never had that guidance or that kind of love before?”

I just want to say keep my sisters and me in your thoughts and prayers honestly. We all are fucked up. It was so much shit going on that we didn’t get to grieve until the day of his viewing and then the next day (yesterday) was his funeral. Literally afterwards, we had to smoke. We all just hit milestones in our life. I just turned 21 a month ago, my older sister turned 21 in April (yes … me and my sister are 4 months apart and yes all of us have different moms). My little sister graduated high school just turned 18 and now … we just lost our dad. Crazy fucking work. Dad just had to be dramatic and one up us all. Classic Stanley shit (lmao … I love him so much y’all.)

Also, justice for my dad please. There’s nothing really out there for anyone to know. Bullshit answers, bullshit excuses, bullshit rumors, bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT. So until we get answers, always scream JUSTICE FOR STAN.

Long Live Stan The Man aka My Dad 🕊️💔

[envelop-ing]

january 19, 2024

I've been terrible about keeping up with this journal! At first, the time felt like it passed so slowly, and now I'm 20+4! Much of pregnancy is waiting, anyway.

Second trimester has been lovely so far! The exhaustion and nausea I was feeling has gone away, and I'm back to sewing. Due to my growing size, however, I'm dealing with some other symptoms — achy hips/back, and needing to use the bathroom constantly. Also I hate that I can hardly fit into my old clothes — jeans were out of the question months ago. I'm sewing myself a couple of skirts and dresses to help me feel more feminine and presentable; I've been wearing nothing but t-shirts, sweatshirts, leggings, and sneakers for weeks now. Also hoping the weather warms up soon; I thought being pregnant in winter would be nice because I could bundle up in my oversized wool sweaters, but I can't stand the feeling of wool now! And the bulkiness of sweaters makes me look fatter than ever. I'm really looking forward to springtime.

Some highlights from the last few weeks:

My OB panel came back great. So did the NIPT, and my carrier testing. No issues so far! Baby was confirmed to be a boy on the NIPT.

Rob and I got married on December 12 with our friends Johnny & Christine! It was very no-frills, the way I always wanted. :) We met up with our old coworker Karen (who is a notary) at Amavida Coffee, had coffee together, and signed our papers. Then, Rob and I went grocery shopping. It was a lovely day!

We announced to our families during Christmas Eve & Christmas Day, showing a picture of an ultrasound I had printed out. Everyone was so happy for me and has given me space, I don't know why I was nervous in the first place. We pulled my dad aside in the garage on Christmas and showed him the ultrasound and he started crying immediately (I've only seen my dad cry two other times in my life — at my cousin's funeral, and when I came home from college to visit for the first time) and told me he didn't think he had ever been so happy, and that he was so proud. I won't ever forget that moment. My mom was also so happy and started tearing up also. I was 17 weeks at that point!

I started feeling him move at 18 weeks, which was incredible. At first, it felt like slight twitching in my low abdomen, but I knew it was him, especially as it got stronger over the next two weeks. Now, I feel him moving every day! Rob was able to feel him kick through my belly last week.

We have our anatomy scan scheduled for next week, so I'm hoping that goes well. After the scan confirms everything is alright, I'll probably finally start buying baby things off my registry.

We're closing on our first house in a week and a half! I don't remember if I already wrote about this in a previous post or not, but we bought a house I had half-jokingly been bugging Rob about for a few weeks. It's so beautiful, I'm excited to get out of this apartment and finally have a home that belongs to us. We've been making so many plans for the landscaping and gardening that I can't wait to get started on. It'll be so nice for our dogs to finally have the yard they deserve, too.

I'm so grateful for Rob, he's really made all my dreams come true. Marriage, a baby, and now a home. He's supported all of my birth plans and decisions during this pregnancy, and has done everything he can to make this experience stress-free. He's already planned and budgeted for me being able to stay at home with our son, and is already seeking out higher-paying jobs (not that he needs one; we'd be doing fine on his current salary alone) so we can have this lifestyle with even more ease. I can't imagine doing any of this with anyone else; I truly don't think I could have picked a better husband, or father of my children. I love him so much. :)

[saracurtis]

Betrayal: A modern AU Sodapop story

TW: cancer, death, toxic family, family betrayal, bad mental health

It started off like any other day, me and my six best friends- Dally, Johnny, Two-Bit, Steve, Darry, and Ponyboy - at my aunt’s house with my boyfriend of a month, Sodapop. We were all messing around with my cousin who was a few years younger than me when my father came home with my sister-in-law and brother along with my father's mother. I was sixteen and oblivious at the time as I hugged them until I noticed their blood-shot eyes and solemn expressions. “ What happened?” I questioned in hopes of clarification, They got greeted by the gang before we all took a seat on the couch where my father started by saying “ Sara, remember there was a slight chance your mother would perish when she was diagnosed?”

I immediately saw where that was going. My heart sank.

My mother had been diagnosed with cancer nine months ago and ever since then we have been driving to the hospital for her chemotherapies and when she was home we took care of her day and night. Even my father's mother came to help all the way from South America to help around the house and help her while I was at school and my father was working . I even stopped hanging out with the gang as much because when I wasn't studying or at school I was caring for my mother and my home.

As soon as I heard those words fall from my Father's lips I gasped, “ No” I sat back, stunned and in denial with my hand over my heart, not trusting myself to speak. I heard gasps next to me to realize it was the gang, I felt a hand on my shoulder which I recognized as my boyfriend’s as he squeezed it, I placed my hand on top of his and squeezed my eyes shut. This can't be real! It just can't! She was only 45! No, this isn't real! I felt several people wrap their arms around me in a hug, “ I am so sorry, Sara” Soda choked out in between tears. “ We know it stings, Sar” Pony sobbed, “ I am so sorry dearest, we're here, whatever you may need” my grandmother cried. We were all hugging each other , I could only imagine the pain my family was in.

My father lost the love of his life, My brother lost his mother who was the only parent he had left as his biological father abandoned him ( we do not share the same biological father), my sister-in-law barely got to know my mother, and my aunt along with my cousin and grandmother were just starting to patch up their relationship with my mother. Sodapop and the gang were devastated, they had already experienced loss with the Curtis parents; The loss of my mom was another devastating blow.

We stayed in our huddle for twenty minutes before father had to leave with his mother to schedule the funeral with my brother and sister-in-law. I stayed with the gang and my aunt and cousin as my aunt served one of my family’s comfort dishes, chicken soup with letter pasta. I thanked my aunt as she set down the bowl in front of me, attempting to find the letters to mentally spell words associated with Disney, just as I did when I was three, how my mom and I used to do. I sighed heavily and looked at my lap, Soda wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “ How long is it supposed to hurt?” I whispered to him, “ the pain never really goes away, honey, in about two weeks you should be able to feel at peace once more” he replied, planting a kiss on my temple.

Once father came back, all of us drove in different cars back home so we could all spend time together. Father and Darry allowed me and soda to sleep in my bed as they both agreed that being in the arms of the man I love most is just what I needed. Soda gladly obliged, We cuddled in my bed in comforting silence and drifted off to sleep but not before the phrase “ I love you” fell from both our lips.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My eyes fluttered open, A new day had begun and I was still trying to grasp onto my new reality; Half-orphaned at sixteen years of age. My eyes felt incredibly sore; I felt a chill and cuddled close to Soda, he began to play with my hair as he began to wake up.

“ Morning, Sar” He yawned,

“ Hey, Soda” I replied, as he engulfed me in one of his warm hugs. We both walked to the kitchen hand in hand and greeted our family members, we sat down to eat the eggs and toast served by my grandmother.

“Sara” My aunt sighed, “There’s something you gotta know”,

Just then, My phone rang so I ran to answer it.

“Hello?”

“ Sara, I am so sorry about what happened to your mother, dear” My mother’s mom’s voice quivered on the other end, My father looked enraged and demanded I to give him the phone, I involuntarily obliged.

“ Leave us alone, Anna, I did what I could to save her! And you know that damn well” He yelled at her

“ You terrible husband! You killed her! You're such a terrible father ” Grandma yelled through sobs.

I was left speechless, my grandmother had always been there for me and my father and I were going through a rough time but he always wanted the best for me, who do I stand by? Sodapop noticed my discomfort and pulled me close to him, I grabbed onto him for dear life. I began shaking, My breathing got heavier, and tears pooled in my eyes but I did not have the means nor the strength to allow them to fall. I was so scared and confused, that I relied on Soda at that moment. I shut my eyes and buried my face in the crook of his neck. He began to rake his hand through my hair and began to whisper, “Shhhhh Sara, I-It’s okay, we’ll clear this up, don’t worry my love” . “ I hope you are proud of yourself and your daughters, Anna” Father shouted before hanging up the phone with a slam.

He then turned to me, “ Sara, I know you're confused ; but you gotta hear me out. Come look at this” He took my hand in his and signaled for Soda to follow. We did as we were told and followed father back to the diner table, where he took his phone and showed me a screenshot of a Facebook post- a public publishing of lies spread by my mother’s sister about her death. She made preposterous claims that my mother wished to be dead, she was miserable with us and countless other hurtful lies. I could not believe my eyes! I trusted her! I believed she loved me! I'm a fool.

Tears brimmed my eyes, l stood speechless; “ People talk of love when it's an act, simply meant to throw me” (quote from Aladdin musical) I bitterly choked. Sodapop wrapped his arms around me protectively and everyone followed suit. The funeral took place a week later and when I thought I was all cried out I was proven wrong. My mother’s death took such a toll on my mental health that I got sick, Sodapop stood by me through it all, the whole time. The way that he cares for me made it clear… I want to marry him some day. Thanks to him and my family and friends, I made a full recovery and fully processed my greif, and Soda and I made it out stronger than ever.

[rinnybitty]

Walking all Day ["00Day":"00Rin","00Post"]

It's Friday when in writing this so Its been 2 days but I feel confident I can still recap.

Early Wednesday morning, around 2am, I have a feeling of sadness overwhelming me and with my lights off I'm surrounded in darkness. Edgy I guess but the darkness was just causing me to get worse and worse thinking of more dark and depressing topics which made me go deeper. One of the things I thought of was an old friend, not even a year ago he committed suicide. We weren't close, honestly we barely spoke as much as the others do. Still, we were friends and before he went I did speak to him in school a bit which kept the contact.

Laying in my bed I thought about him and what his parents did to his room, did they leave it. Are they still suffering by walking near it? It hurts to think although he is gone he won't truly leave, to them the memories he left in their house will haunt them and his family won't forget him. Dark topics I know but it lead me to want to see his grave.

I messaged another old friend, Daniel, he was closest to him and I feel the most comfortable around him. We hadn't spoke much in a while and I still wanted to keep contact so I still had his info. Messaged him at 3am and he responded at 8. We agreed to meet up at 1:30pm outside his college, it was a long walk so I had to leave early. I made sure to set an alarm for 12pm.

12pm comes, I've barely slept and I'm now in the shower getting ready to leave. My mood is now fine, probably for the best since if we got to his grave and I was like this I don't know how I'd handle it. I finally left at 12:40, I didn't know how long it'd take to get to his college but I left early incase. Took pictures along the way there

It took me 45 minutes to walk up there, 2 miles in 45 minutes seems slow but I was taking my time for once since I didn't have to rush. Back in highschool I had to rush all the way to school from my home, a mile in 10 minutes. I hated that and today I chose to take my sweet time because of it and have fun doing so, it was a nice and calming walk and helped me feel better for when I got to Daniel.

By the time I got there it was 1:30pm, I thought I was going to be late because I didn't know the exact way but my memory and a few signs helped me. He came out a bit late and probably expected to talk to me at the gate maybe 10 - 20 minutes not walk all the way down to a grave today. Oh btw I didn't tell him where we were going till I got him because I didn't want to text him that since I felt weird ;-;. Daniel came out, I didn't notice him at first. He looked different since I last seen him since it was a funeral and all, he looked happier. I told him to walk and talk since it felt easier to talk when walking otherwise I'd just feel awkward and not know what to do with my hands, there was two things I wanted to do that day. We walked down a bit before I started to realised I didn't know the way and had to ask him, we was going to see a friends grave. I hadn't been there since the burial so I wanted to visit.

While walking there the first thing I wanted to talk about was what he brought up to a cousin of mine. How I am trans. My cousin isn't a nice person, he's racist and transphobic. So when I heard he found out I knew that it was something I couldn't just leave, at least I thought. We walked for about 30 mins and talked about my gender and sexuality and how Dan came out as gay and has a boyfriend now, in that time he mentioned how they probably forgot and I felt slightly relieved.

I thought the worst part was how I was going to be embarrassed talking about my gender and whatever, but when we got to the grave it was worse. Me being me only knows how to talk and talk and talk, of course I felt sad but nothing compared to Dan. I knew Liam, but barely enough to still be considered friends. We went to the same primary and high school albeit we may not have talked too much we did still have a friendship. Daniel cried, at the grave. I didn't know whether to console him or just let him be. We hadn't spoken in months so I chose the latter, I talked a bit here and there about what I was thinking and ended it there. We left and walked back to his college and after a bit more conversation I said bye and left on my way.

My journey wasn't over until I walked back though, so I did. All the way to my home and just when I got to the turn I wanted doughnuts. Instead of walking right to my house I carried on forward to Asda. I was messaging a friend the other day when he showed a picture of some doughnuts, Krispy Kreme UwU doughnuts. Of course I wasn't gonna find those in England of all places but I still wanted Krispy Kreme. On a venture I went, Asda to Morrisons to Tesco. It took an extra hour just to find and procure doughnuts and still at the end of it all I had to walk home. I really don't think it was worth it since I bought a dozen to share with family and now I look back thinking, I really should have just bought 1.

By the end of the journey my steps was over 10 thousand yet it wasn't fully tracked since I only installed the app after I started walking to Asda so an AI did the rest of the math. It was fun and I would do it again

[atasteofchocolates]

2022 highlights

So, I used to post a lot. I would like to start posting more again this year as a way to regulate my thoughts.

Why not start with a 2022 recap.

So this year was my first year living away from home. Myself and Bob moved into a lovely new build coach house in chard surrounded by fields and a resaviour. I can now say after a year of living here… this feels like home. Our house, Chard, south Somerset just feels like my new safe space and I must admit, I wasn’t too sure I would ever feel this way when I moved December ‘21.

Weddings! We attended two weddings this year and I attended my first ‘hen du’. I love any excuse to get dressed up and to see Bob looking all smart. And who doesn’t love a wedding.

We got COVID. ‘22 was the year covid finally got me, and it was rough. I have never felt so unwell in my life and get Bob got away with little to no symptoms.

I completed my level 4 in advocacy and jumped ship! I decided to make the move to change to a different advocacy provider, a better paying hybrid working company that is a charity. Thankfully, I completed my level 4 before I made the change and am now a qualified ‘independent mental health advocate’.

I have also completed my Level 2 in counselling. I have no idea if I have passed the course but will hopefully know soon. I turned down the opportunity to complete the level 3 this year as I didn’t want to feel overwhelmed with starting a new job, completing my advocacy training and wanting to come off my anxiety meds.

Speaking of… I came off my anxiety meds. I first went cold turkey… bad idea! I felt sooo unwell and dizzy and disorientated that it made me feel sick and I couldn’t leave my bed. I then decided to go back on them and come off very very gradually. Which seems to have worked!

Some sad news now as unfortunately this is probably one of the biggest things to happen in my family this year, my cousin committed suicide. I cannot believe that I am now grouped in with the families who have lost a loved one to suicide. I didn’t know my cousin very well, my family is too big and I am a lot younger then him. But I loved him anyway. He was family. But my heart broke more for my aunty and other cousin who lost her brother. I could not imagine loosing one of my brothers and my heart shattered for her. The funeral was massive, he was so loved. Over 200 people came so many that a lot had to stand for the service. That day I held my brothers tight and cried the most I had all year.

Some better news, we got a dog. She is called Brandi and she is a year old. I wanted a dog so bad I begged Bob for months was looking online for dogs that needed rehoming and even begged the landlord who surprisingly said yes. I drove us to Birmingham the night before where we stayed in a hotel before driving to Nottingham the next day to pick her up. I adore her.

We got to travel this year. We went to Valencia where I was reunited with Silvia. It was the best holiday I think I’ve ever had. She gave us such a good experience and we got to get to know her younger sister Clara a lot better too. The highlight was on our last night we got to visit her family home where we ate dinner on their terrace with her whole family before taking a walk around her small town outside of the city. It was unreal. We also went to Prague a few weeks ago to see the Christmas markets. It was great to be back after so long and to show Bob a place that meant so much to me. There was snow for the first few days and I got to meet up with Bety after a long time!

Saving the best till last. My niece Ari Mae Bell was born 23/05/2022 in the early hours of the morning. I wish I could put into words how much I adore this baby. But there are no words.

Here’s to 2023!

[nidailylife]

So is the pandemic over? Because i was under the impression that it is not.

Just a few minutes ago, i went into the kitchen for 1 last bite to eat before ending my all nighter, and suddenly my mom says "we're going to our extended family's house for Thanksgiving." The same family house, where the last time everyone got together for Xmas2021, a lot of them came away with Covid. I told my mom this was a bad idea, the pandemic is still going on, i didnt yet get the new variant booster yet, i heard cases were expected to rise this winter, etc. So I'm not going. Thankfully, she allowed it. But I'm so afraid of confrontation, especially against my parents, that there's nothing i can really do to stop her from doing whatever she wants. And she's already cooking for the potluck, so she seems pretty locked into attending.

I know i gave into some things recently that might give the impression that i may think, just as much as my mom does, that the pandemic is over. 2 months ago, i went to 2 funerals with my family. But that was mandatory, serious stuff! It wasnt a party for fun snd socializing, which would be the unnecessary frivolity that i consider a family holiday party to be. Then we gave out Halloween candy last month. I was still really iffy about handing out physical objects to kids during this continuing pandemic. But a cousin convinced me it was safe, because most people are vaccinated.

Well, my dad is not vaccinated! At all! He says he has a medical history of bad reactions to vaccinations, therefore he needs written authorization from his doctor before he could get the Covid vaccine, that his doctor never gave it, and he's not exactly eager to follow up for when that might change. Last time i talked to him about the vaccines, he was starting to sound a little like an antivaxxer. Yeek. I say this, because even if i get all vacvinated and feel safe for my own health, I'm always afraid of going outside, and bringing Covid back home to him. Even besides his vaccination status, he's already in two high risk groups: the elderly, and pre existing chronic illness (diabetes). And sure, despite all this, he still breaks quarantine pretty regularly to shauffer my mom and tag along to her social butterfly things, and he hasnt seemed to have caught Covid yet. But i cant go tempting his fate myself! It's 1 thing that i can't stop my parents from doing whatever they want to do. I've always been too paralyzed by confrontation, especially vs them. But it's another thing for me to exasperate their risks with my own actions. I dont want to do that!😭

On top of that, i was a germaphobe and socially anxious, even before the pandemic. And maybe i dont want to unnecessarily break quarantine for those reasons too. But even aside from the pandemic, there are problems with springing these sudden party plans on me, on the same day, with no prep. This morning was the first i heard of us going anywhere for Thanksgiving! No heads up, for me to fix my flipped sleep patterns, so I'd be awake enough to attend. No heads up for me to mentally prep, when she knows i have a lot of social anxiety. Not even a heads up in terms of just basic calendar planning! This is crazy.

Then add on top that she told me this morning that "it [the Covid pandemic] is over" ...and she wants to breaks quarantine, at a big gathering (since our extended family is numerous), that already has a recent history of infecting lots of our family with Covid...and all because she wants to socialize????? I know she's very social and extroverts go crazy without socialization. But she talks on the phone with her friends everyday! In extended calls! This is an unnecessary risk.

And I'm too tired from my all nighter to deal with this.

Maybe i can plant doubt into their minds about staying long at the party. Maybe i can convince my dad to just drop off my mom instead of him attending himself. I dunno... I'm tired.

[reidsaurora]

"Funeral" ~ S. Reid

pictures not an actual depiction of reader; Spencer Reid icon by @ofwilliamandwalter (lmk if u guys want the icon)

Summary: After Emily Prentiss's death, Spencer notices his cravings for Dilaudid coming back. In an attempt to distract himself from everything that's happening around him, Spencer begins using weed. Little did he know what one intoxicated phone call would lead to…

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader (reader is Emily's cousin)

Word Count: 2,572

Content Warning: usage of marijuana, Emily's funeral, mild swearing + two uses of "God", sexual humor, mentions of Spencer's drug addiction

Genre: Angst with a lil bit of Fluff and Comfort sprinkled in, sorta Open Ending?

Extra Notes: i kind of forgot Spencer was on a cane at Haley's funeral and not Emily's but it's too late to change it now so AU? // i have never been to a funeral before so my knowledge of how funerals work is v limited

Based On the Song: Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers

Originally Written: over the course of 03/29/2022 to 04/06/2022

Criminal Minds masterlist can be found here!

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"𝐓𝐨𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐰, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐚 𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐮𝐥, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐚 𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐞." - 𝐑𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐒𝐩𝐞𝐤𝐭𝐨𝐫

Y/N sat by the phone, waiting for the phone to ring like she did every night at 8:45 p.m.

She took another hit of the joint she was smoking, giggling at the smell when the phone finally began ringing. "Hi," she answered giddily, perhaps a little too giddily.

"Hey," the man on the other side of the phone answered. "How was your day?"

"Awful," she told him, followed by a small chuckle.

"You seem a little happier than you usually do."

"That's because I upped my dose. I just took my second extra hit," she explained. "Told you my day was horrible."

"Yeah, mine was pretty terrible too," he chuckled in agreement.

"Have you had any tonight?"

"Uh, no, actually. I just got home not long ago," he answered.

"Then hit some, silly," Y/N laughed, breathing in the heavy smell of the weed. Changing the subject, she commented, "You know, I'm thinking about changing up the place."

"Are you sure that isn't the weed talking?" he joked as he attempted to find a lighter.

"No," she rolled her eyes. "I'm serious."

"Well, research shows that filling your home with decor of certain colors can improve your mood and help your focus. For instance, blue might make you feel -"

"You're too chatty when you're sober," Y/N giggly interrupted him.

"Sorry," he replied shyly.

"I'm just kidding, Spencer," she apologized. "I love it. I could listen to your voice all night long."

"Well, now I know it's the joint talking," he kidded.

"Spencer Reid, you take that back right now."

"I will not," Spencer argued, finally taking his first hit of the night.

"And why is that?"

He chuckled multiple times, one after another. "Because you know it's true."

"Did you finally find that lighter I could hear you searching for in your junk drawer?"

"Maybe," he chuckled again.

"You know, you're weird when you're high. You always start out really funny and laughy and then you get really sad."

"What do you think I talk to you for? You're like my weed therapist," he said, followed by a small snicker.

Even in her intoxicated state, Y/N still found a way to be offended by his comment.

Due to her silence, Spencer was able to conclude that he'd hurt her feelings. He was quick to apologize though once he realized her mood had suddenly changed. "I meant that as a joke, Y/N. You know I love talking to you."

"Sure," she replied sarcastically. Changing the subject again, she exhaled and commented, "I don't know. I feel like changing my apartment could improve my mood or something. I have a family member who died recently and while we weren't all that close, hearing everyone talk about her has me thinking maybe I should brighten the place up. Which reminds me, if I don't call tomorrow, I have a funeral to go to."

"Huh, small world. I also have a funeral to attend tomorrow."

"Yeah, it's my mom's cousin. They asked me to sing," Y/N said, scoffing at the end of her sentence. "I don't know why everyone in my family is obsessed with my singing voice. Personally, I think I sound terrible," she giggled.

"You're being modest. Your voice is beautiful," Spencer argued.

"Now that… that is the weed talking," she giggled.

"Sing something for me."

Y/N rolled her eyes as if Spencer could see it. "Are we gonna do this every time we call each other?"

"Yes," he answered.

"I'll humor you since it's the two week anniversary of our first call," she told him. "Hey, Jude. Don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better," she sang through her end of the phone. "You know, that's what they want me to sing tomorrow. Hey Jude."

Even with her voice slurring from the effects of the weed, her voice still managed to be the most beautiful thing Spencer had ever heard. "It suits your voice. I think they'll love it."

"Kiss ass," Y/N giggled.

"No, I mean it."

"Nope, you're a kiss ass."

"And I suppose you aren't a kiss ass? Even though you compliment my every move?"

"That's because you deserve it, Mr. Genius," she replied matter-of-factly. "I'd trade my voice for your IQ any day of the week."

"Well, we could always join forces and use our skills together."

She knew exactly what he was implying. "Spencer," she stopped him.

"I'm serious. We should meet up in person."

"OK, first of all, you've only been calling me for two weeks. Second of all, you know why we can't do that."

"And why is that?" he questioned sarcastically.

"Because I can't let the FBI know that one of their agents is having phone sex with a known pothead who works two part-time jobs just to stay in D.C."

"We do not have phone sex," he scoffed.

"We should," she blurted out, followed by a long trail of laughter.

"I'm serious though. I think the team would love you."

"They'd love throwing me in jail."

"They'd throw me in with you considering I smoke every bit as much as you do."

"Now you do. Two weeks ago when you started, you would've thought you were hitting a joint of air," Y/N snickered, attempting to stop herself from another full-on laughing fit. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, before saying, "You know, you never did fully explain to me why you started smoking all the sudden two weeks ago."

Spencer sighed, noting in the back of his mind that he was about to turn into the sad stoner she'd mentioned earlier. "A couple years ago, I was addicted to Dilaudid. It only lasted for a couple months but it was still a hard thing to get over. As soon as I got the news that my colleague had passed away, I had the urge to start using again. So I thought using something natural like weed would help me, but it's never been as good as the Dilaudid."

"I once had a boyfriend who told me, 'The last is never as good as the first,'" she told him. "He claimed he was talking about how weed would never be able to replace acid, but I'm still convinced he was talking about one of his ex girlfriends."

Spencer chuckled at her statement, though he knew there was some truth in her ex boyfriend's words. He randomly glanced at the clock, noticing it was past his normal bedtime. "I gotta go but I'll call tomorrow if I get a chance," he told her.

"Good night, Doctor."

He felt a small blush appear on his cheeks, secretly grateful that she couldn't see him. "Good night."

☆☆☆

The next day, Y/N found herself dressed in her favorite black dress and sporting some dark lipstick, stepping out of her car at the cemetery.

The gathering was small, much to Y/N's surprise when one considered her great-aunt was a U.S. Ambassador. She always assumed that her great-aunt knew practically anyone and everyone.

Y/N spritzed herself with perfume one last time, insecure about the possibility of her clothes smelling like weed, before taking a deep breath and walking over to the crowd of people.

Meanwhile, at Spencer's funeral, he found himself limping over to a group of people he knew, questioning why he used that damn cane considering how it frustrated him more than it did anything else. Spencer stayed close to the few people he knew, a.k.a. his colleagues, nervous to talk to anyone else. He, too, was insecure about the smell of his clothes, though it wasn't until one of his coworkers made a comment that he actually thought about the smell.

"God, Reid, you been burning incense on the car ride over here?" Derek laughed.

"You know, Morgan, incense actually has many health benefits. For instance, lavender incense has been known to aid sleep and reduce stress and anxiety," Spencer corrected him.

"Well, maybe try a different scent next time," his colleague chuckled.

Just then, Spencer felt someone bump into him. He was sure it was his own fault, seeing as he was paying attention to Derek and not where he was going. "Sorry," he blurted out.

"No, it was my fault. I'm sorry," a voice, a familiar voice, replied.

Spencer took in the sight and scent of this woman who bumped into him. He noted that she smelled strongly of patchouli and vanilla, and that the dress she was wearing fit her body perfectly. He couldn't lie, he was intoxicated by her, and he'd only said one word to her.

She gave him a quick, awkward smile before running off after a woman who looked almost exactly like her, just older, and the woman he knew to be… Emily Prentiss's mother?

"Woo-hoo, lover boy," Derek kidded, waving his hand in front of Spencer's face.

"Huh?" he asked, breaking away from his trance.

"Need I remind you we're at a funeral? Emily's funeral?"

"Sorry," Spencer shrugged. "You're right."

"Hey, I'm not saying she wasn't pretty. But she was walking away with the most important woman here."

Spencer sighed, nodding in agreement with coworker.

Derek began walking off toward his seat, Spencer hobbling off behind him.

Elsewhere, Y/N sat down next to her mother and great-aunt, feeling both sets of their eyes staring holes through her.

"Is that really the most funeral-appropriate dress you had?" her mother whispered.

"I think Emily would approve of my dress. Don't you think, Aunt Eliza?" Y/N quipped, situating her dress as best she could while remaining seated.

"Emily, yes. The rest of your family, no," Elizabeth commented, almost daringly.

Y/N smirked. "Good thing we're here to honor Emily and not the rest of the family."

"Y/N," her mother scolded.

Y/N rolled her eyes, turning back to face toward the front. She felt a separate pair of eyes on her, glancing around and attempting to figure out who else was staring at her.

Finally, she spotted the extra set of eyes, sitting in the front row on the opposite side, where the pallbearers were seated. It was the man she accidentally bumped into earlier, the one with the cane. She thought at first he was also concerned about her dress, but realized his expression was much more gentle than judgemental.

She shot him a smile, causing him to nervously look away. Once she was sure his eyes were no longer on him, she took a moment to look him over. She couldn't lie, she found him quite attractive, but had to reel herself back in. After all, she was at a funeral.

☆☆☆

"At this time, we'd like to invite Y/N Y/L/N to sing one of Emily's favorite songs," the priest introduced Y/N.

She took a deep breath as she walked up to the mic. She took one final sigh before the song began playing over the speaker.

"Hey, Jude. Don't make it bad," she began singing. Her eyes were clenched shut, knowing if she so much as even thought about anyone looking at her, she'd teleport back to her seat.

Spencer felt a breath hitch in the back of his throat. He finally realized where he knew her voice from, the girl on the phone.

He kept his composure, distracting himself by focusing on the sound of her voice. He knew she had a beautiful voice, but he didn't realize how much more he'd appreciate it when he was sober.

Once she finished her song, Y/N practically ran back to her seat. She knew she should've taken an edible or something to calm her nerves beforehand, but she remembered that she promised she wouldn't for Emily's sake.

Spencer looked at her from across the way, noticing a shift in her body language. He could tell she was nervous, and figured it was probably because of the lack of marijuana in her system.

Fortunately for Y/N, singing "Hey Jude" was a sign they were in the home-stretch. All that was left was Emily's burial and the reception, which she wasn't technically required to attend.

However, two hours later, she found herself surrounded by pretentious businessmen and women in flamboyant suit-dresses.

"Thank you," Y/N said as yet another businessman complimented her performance and walked away. She shot an annoyed glance to her mother, who simply replied with an eye roll.

"Don't act like you don't like the recognition," she'd commented multiple times throughout the afternoon.

Nevertheless, Y/N attempted to blow it off and have a good time.

However, when the man from before came hobbling along with his cane, she found it hard to focus on anything else besides figuring out why he'd been staring at her earlier.

"Hi," he smiled awkwardly once he'd finally reached Y/N.

"Hi," she smiled back in a similar tone.

"I just wanted to compliment you on your performance earlier," he explained.

"Thank you," she replied. She could've sworn he sounded familiar.

"You know, your voice reminds me of someone I heard sing that song before."

"Yours too," Y/N thought. Instead, she opted for a kind smile, as she was unsure what to say.

"Reid!" a tall, black man called for the brunette in front of her.

Y/N's eyes widened when she heard the name. "Oh, my God. You're Spencer?" she asked.

He gave her a kind smile, nodding at her question. "And you're Y/N," he sighed, overwhelmed with internal joy from finally meeting the woman on the phone.

"Reid, why'd you lea- Oh," the other man said as he walked up. He gave Spencer a teasing look once he'd assessed the situation.

"What?" Spencer asked, confused by his colleague's behavior.

"Aren't you gonna introduce me to your friend?" he smirked.

Spencer sighed in annoyance. "Y/N, this is Derek Morgan. Morgan, this is Y/N."

Y/N held out her hand, Derek taking it in his immediately. Derek was silent for a moment, but he could've sworn he smelled… weed?

It was like a switch clicked in his brain. Spencer smelling like incense, Y/N smelling like weed.

Spencer must've noticed a change in Derek's behavior, seeing as the next thing he asked was, "What? What do you know?"

Derek smirked. "I don't know what you're talking about, pretty boy."

"You know something. You have that look you always get when you know something's up," Spencer reiterated.

"Nothing," he said, "Just that it makes sense as to why you smell like incense and why you never go out at night anymore."

Spencer's and Y/N's eyes both widened, realizing what he meant.

"Don't. Tell. Anyone," Spencer demanded.

Derek began walking away, a smug smile still across his face.

"Morgan!" Spencer called, attempting to run after him as best he could while still using his cane.

"Hey," Y/N stopped him, grabbing his hand. She couldn't believe she was finally touching him for the first time, much less holding his hand.

Spencer turned back to look at Y/N, who had a smirk matching Derek's plastered on her face. "Yeah?"

"Call me later… pretty boy."

Spencer turned away to hide the blush on his face that she'd just caused. He looked forward to calling Y/N every night, but this was a call he knew he'd never want to miss.

"𝐇𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐥 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞." - 𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐤𝐢 𝐑𝐨𝐰𝐞

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y'all, there was a very specific idea that came to my mind the first couple times i listened to this song. i just wanna apologize that this was that idea 🤣 i srsly don't know how i got here

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☆𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐏𝐄𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒☆

[scarlettriot]

Along for the Ride PT 1

Pairing: KirishimaxF!Reader

Summary: A drunken mistake had you marking the little Plus One box to your snobby cousin's wedding. Kirishima told you not to worry, if you couldn't find a date, he'd go with you. When the wedding gets moved up, there's absolutely no time to find a date and you're now about to be traveling to America with Kirishima on a private jet no less, dreading having him meet your rude and impossibly arrogant family.

Contains: Kirishima and Reader both come from very well-off families. Plus-Sized Reader. Fluff. Hurt/Comfort.

Warnings: Kinda smutty for a minute. Minors DNI. Drunken Sex. TW: Manipulative Family Relationships. TW: Body Image Issues

A/N: This story has been rolling around in my head for a while now. I might rewrite this and repost. Or I might just post the whole thing soon. I dunno yet. It does get smuttier.

Word Count: 4,974

"What's up with Y/N?"

Eijiro stepped out of the locker room with a towel slung over his shoulder and made his way into the kitchenette where Mina was chugging a bottle of water before getting back to her patrol. His eyes were trained on their mutual friend out on the patio, pacing.

You had your phone pressed to your ear, the high neck of your hero costume unzipped to your collarbone and he noticed your gloves discarded on a chair.

"No clue." Mina shrugged. "She got back from patrol and she noticed a bunch of missed calls from her mom. She's been out there, flailing on the phone for the last fifteen minutes now."

The three of you had met in your second year at UA when you transferred into their class and were quickly accepted by their little squad of friends. You were a bit quiet at first but quickly found comfort in the group. Eijiro had grown especially close to you when you both interned with Fat Gum.

Late nights traveling on the train back to school, a few close calls while helping patrol, and days spent playing cards while you both healed up in the hospital left plenty of time for Eijiro to get to know you better than most. It was how he knew you had a pretty bad relationship with your family, why you hated returning home for the holidays almost as much as you hated any and all forms of tomatoes.

He considered going out there just to see if there was anything he could do but before he had the chance, you were sliding the glass door open. "Oh, good, you're back." He offered you a bottle of water for your throat that he assumed was sore after that argument. "I- um- can I borrow you for a second? Alone?"

Mina snorted a laugh. "If you guys wanna bang it out on the counter you can just say so. I gotta go to work anyways."

Eijiro threw the towel at her as she left the room leaving you two alone. "What's goin' on?"

You hoisted yourself up on the countertop while he leaned against the fridge. "You remember my cousin's wedding that's happening this winter?"

He nodded. He vividly remembered the both of you getting waste a few weeks ago when you were filling out the RSVP and accidentally marking 'plus one'. Then you ran around trying to find White Out but he'd told you if you didn't find a date or have a significant other by the time of the wedding, he'd just go with you.

You argued that your family was bat shit crazy, had more money than they could spend in their lifetime and because of that, they were among some of the rudest people you knew, and you didn't want Eijiro or anyone else around that.

The thing was, Eijiro already knew that and was still okay with going. He came from money too. A lot of it. His family was just more welcoming than yours, the wealth never really going to their heads. But, he reminded you that he'd ran into enough people like those in your family that he knew how to handle them. You finally agreed to let him accompany you, leaving the plus one box checked but the name line blank.

"Well, my cousin just found out that surprise, she's pregnant! And, obviously, she can't have a wedding while seven months along so they've decided to move the wedding up to this weekend."

He nearly choked on his own spit. "This weekend? As in four days from now?"

"Yup! Saturday at 4 in the evening. Oh! No one's supposed to know she's pregnant either. So, I'm just supposed to compliment her on how flattering her dress looks, how thin she is," Your hands strangled the water bottle between them, "And I have to find something flattering to my figure because my mother has seen me in my hero outfit and she's so glad I wear a mask because if anyone knew her daughter ran around looking like I do, well, it'd ruin her!"

You massaged your temples circling back to the actual point, "Anyways, I just wanted to bitch for a sec and let you know you're off the hook since four days is just a little short notice and I told her my plus one wouldn't be able to get the time off that fast."

He pushed off the fridge. "Well, wait, hang on! I'm not letting you go in alone to deal with them! Hell no! You need backup!" You looked almost taken aback by his abruptness, "Yeah. I can work this out. Is the wedding at the same place it was supposed to be or has it moved?"

"No, it's still that fancy lodge in California. I was planning on leaving Friday morning and then coming back either Sunday night or Monday morning since my mother insists I go to their brunch the following day. But, Eijiro, I already have this weekend off..."

"Denki owes me a favor or twelve. He's supposed to be off this weekend too, I'll just see if he can cover me."

"And if he can't?"

"Then..." He pressed the back of his hand to his forehead, "Y/N, am I feeling warm to you? I think I might be starting a fever!"

You folded your arms, shaking your head, "Thought you said lying isn't manly."

"Technically, correct. But, what would be real unmanly is for me to let you deal with your family's bullshit all alone." You watched him closely, "To be honest, I'm sure we could just explain you had a family thing come up and asked me to come along for moral support. I don't really think anyone would think twice about it. Hell, you took a few days off to console me when my turtle died suddenly!"

"Eiji, you refused to eat."

"And you brought me my favorite dumplings! Same thing!"

You might have shaken your head at him but your arms opened wide. The telltale sign you wanted affection. He walked forward, consuming you in a tight hug. Your arms latched around his neck, face buried in the hollow of his throat. "You're the best."

"I just do what I can."

>>><<<

You should have canceled. Instead of Eijiro faking sick to get out of work, you should have faked it with your mother so you didn't have to go in the first place. You crumpled to the floor of your bedroom in pure frustration amidst the twenty or so outfits and dozen pairs of shoes you'd thrown out of your closet trying to find something that your mother would deem appropriate.

It wasn't your fault you had a fuller figure. You worked out, ate right, not to mention your job kept you very active, and yet your, hips, ass, and breasts were by no means subtle.

Your mother had also insisted on the dress being floor-length and modern, "Do try not wearing all black. It's a wedding, not a funeral. And, get your hair looking natural, please." And, just like that, 70% of your wardrobe was out the window!

"It's open!" You called from the floor when the doorbell rang.

"You really should lock this." Mina tutted, walking through the door with a bag full of takeout.

"I do. At night."

"Honey, it's 9 PM."

"Night like bedtime."

Mina just rolled her eyes and walked into your tiny kitchen. "I see the dress hunt is going well."

"I actually figured it out!" You got off the floor, careful not to step on a heel as you made your way to the pink haired woman, "I'm just gonna go in my birthday suit. I figured, my mother made my body technically therefore she can't disapprove of it. Because, you know, she's never done anything wrong in her life!"

Your best friend snorted out a laugh and passed you the take-out container stuffed full of stir fry. "you're a wonderful person, you know that?" You loved the fact Mina didn't even have to ask what you wanted.

"If you'd just move closer to work then you could pick it up yourself and I wouldn't have to bring it to you."

"Too expensive." You declared after a mouthful. "You pay almost twice as much as I do per month and I just don't see the point. I have damn near the same amount of space you do for half the cost!"

You adored your small one-bedroom apartment. It was perfect. Right above a bakery that you visited each morning after your run and a little balcony that provided you with the most stunning view of the sunset.

"You and Kiri, I swear." Mina just shook her head and curled up with her food on the loveseat. "I thought he'd end up with the biggest house out of us all the moment we started making that real Pro money. You've seen his parent's house. It's massive! You could get lost in that place!"

Eijiro's place was barely bigger than your own. He lived in the same condo he had since you'd graduated UA, claiming it was perfect for him in each and every way. But, you knew that he donated a sizable amount of his paycheck every month to charities, the same as you. With savings to spare, neither of you saw the point in hoarding it and therefore the small condo was all he could afford with what he actually kept.

"Just don't understand how a guy that big can live in such a tiny little space. At least with you, it's you know, physically feasible."

Eijiro's bedroom was barely large enough to fit the king-sized bed the man needed to sleep comfortably and even then, his feet were dangerously close to dangling off the bed. And, as if the man's ears were burning, your cell phone went off under a pile of discarded shoes.

Shark-E: Figured out your dress situation? If not, I'm just gonna pack like ten different ties and hope for the best.

You: Yeah! I totally did! I'm just gonna wear this birthday suit I got and call it a night.

You chuckled at your own joke all over again. Watching the grey ellipses appear and then vanish, appear and vanish again. After a third time, you took pity on the man.

You: Joking, Ei. I still don't have it figured out but Mina's over so, hopefully, she can help.

Shark-E: Gonna give me a damn heart attack! Seriously, I wouldn't put it past you just to see the look on your mom's face. Tell Mina hi and good luck to you. I vote the dress from the Hero Gala two years ago.

You: Hi from Mina. Can't. Too much boobs.

Shark-E: You take that back right now! There is NEVER such a thing as too much boobs!

You chuckled to yourself, putting your phone down, and then finished off the last of your delicious dinner, thinking about the dress Eijiro mentioned.

You wondered if maybe there was a way you could make the thing work but it was so very low cut. So much tape had been used to make sure no slips happened but damn was it worth it! The beaded bodice with the sparkling long sleeves, gods, how you loved that dress.

"I'm inclined to agree with our shark boy. You're busty, who gives a damn. You looked hot as hell in that dress."

"My mother, that's who. As much as I'd like to not give a flying fuck what she thinks, for some dumb reason, I do. On top of her telling me that the amount of cleavage I would show would be vastly inappropriate for a wedding, she'd also say the way it hugs my hips makes them look too fat."

Mina rolled her eyes. "She's such a piece of work." Pushing herself up, she held her arms out to you, wiggling little pink fingers for you to take. "Come on then. Let's get you sorted."

"What about that one you wore to the charity art thingy with Kyoka last winter? The one with the silver top."

"Silver is too close to white." You called out from within your closet.

"What! Not true!"

"You know that. I know that. Every person with two brain cells knows that, which is why most of my family does not know that."

"Fine..." She whined and started sifting through the opposite end of your closet. "Oh, what about this?" Mina waved about the blue and green plaid skirt that made up your uniform from your middle school days when you lived in America. "Please try this on. I'm begging!"

You were pretty sure it wouldn't even go over your thighs anymore.

"It's got a better chance of fitting you!"

Mina threw it at you anyway. Slipping off the sweats you wore, somehow, someway, you were able to tug it on AND get it zipped, barely. It no longer covered your ass but you still enjoyed the way it swished around when you wiggled your hips.

"You could be fulfilling so many people's fantasies right now." Mina mused.

You pulled the skirt off and sweats back on, throwing the former back at her. "Yeah, you can take it and go fulfill Hanta's fantasies if you like. Not like I've got anyone to impress." You pulled down a dress you bought on sale a year ago but Mina was quick to dismiss it.

Too puffy, she said and then held up one that was from Momo. "I needed to get it shortened and I don't have time for that now."

"Wait..." She hummed and dropped the Momo dress. "I know what it should be!"

Mina hurried through the closet, grumbling about not finding it. "Just tell me which dress and I can tell you where it's at."

"It's that one you got for grad night and then you got sick and couldn't go!"

"Mina, Mina I can't wear that! That's actual vintage, not like, made-to-look-vintage!"

"But it's so elegant and has that off-the-shoulder sleeve thing. The wedding is at a damn sky lodge! It'll look so pretty in the snow! Ah! Found it!"

She yanked up the long, elegant gown from the garment bag you'd never removed it from. There wasn't a single wrinkle in the burgundy fabric. It looked just as beautiful as the day you found it in that second-hand store, on a mannequin with gaudy stage jewels that you just had to buy so the look was complete.

You ran the back of your hand over the velvety fabric, soft to the touch. "It'll be too tight now. If I was the same size I was at graduation-"

"Bullshit!" Mina cut you off with a dismissive hand, "You've got hips now. We aren't 18 anymore! It's not like it's some clubbing dress. And I bet no one would say a damn thing about your figure if they knew how easily you could crush them with those thighs!"

A smirk tugged at the corner of your lips. Without quirks, you gave every single one of your classmates a run for their money in hand to hand. Most were fairly easy to beat. You could usually take down Eijiro in about five or six minutes and Katsuki in half the time. Funny enough, it was Ochaco that gave you the hardest time.

"I'll consider it. But help me find something else just in case."

>>><<<

It was another two hours before you finally agreed on an a-line, empire waist green and gold number that had been the bridesmaid's dresses for Tetsutetsu's wedding. Mina thought they were a crime the first time they had to wear them, she had no idea what you were thinking.

That's why the moment you were preoccupied with trying to find yet another dress for the Sunday brunch, Mina pulled out her phone.

You: DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow Y/N to wear the green dress. She's bringing two because she can't decide. Red is the winner!

Jaws: Aw, come on. If she likes it, let her wear whatever she's comfortable in. She'll be under enough stress already.

You: Kirishima, it's the dress from Tetsu's wedding. The one that looks sparkly baby food.

It took him a second to respond.

Jaws: Alright. Understood. I thought you guys looked good but damn, she hated that dress.

You: We all did.

Mina looked at the message chain again and couldn't help but asked, "Are we just gonna ignore the fact that you and Eiji are flying all the way to America, last minute, to attend a wedding together, even though you're not together?"

"We've flown to the states before."

"For work!" She sat up eagerly. "This is different, Y/N! This is a date and not just a, like, casual date but a wedding date!"

You poked your head out of the closet. "No, it isn't. This is a friend helping another friend who stupidly mismarked an RSVP." You corrected very plainly but Mina wasn't one to give up so easily.

She whined, dragging out your name, "You guys have been doing this thing for ages. Why do you have to be so stubborn about it all!"

"What's that supposed to mean!"

Mina started ticking off points on her fingers. "He was the first person you opened up to at UA. You saved his life when he was busy saving Katsuki's life second year. You spent all that time interning together, became sidekicks together. Went to America together for three whole months, ALONE, and you honestly expect me to think there's nothing between the two of you!"

The truth of it all was simple really; 17 year old you had a massive crush on Eijiro Kirishima. He was sweet, always listening to you, providing comfort when you needed it, and always encouraging you to push your limits. He was bright and honest, a little slow in the head from time to time but that made him all the more endearing.

He was also head over heels in love with Katsuki Bakugo.

It was why you never made a move. Never spoke a word of the feelings you harbored. You didn't dare to cross that line with him because you couldn't ever hold a candle to the explosive man.

In the three years Eijiro and Katsuki spent together, your brain finally started registering Eijiro as just a friend, nothing more, and certainly nothing less. You thought your heart had followed suit but it was becoming more and more apparent that wasn't the case. Because the night he showed up at your door, tears in his ruby eyes, every lock you put on your heart broke open.

The same way you couldn't hold a candle to Katsuki, Eijiro couldn't hold one to Izuku. You knew exactly what he was feeling even if you never intended to tell him. Too overcome with fear. If Katsuki came back... that'd be it. Eijiro would go back and you wouldn't even blame him!

Still, the redhead consumed a decent chunk of your heart though, you couldn't deny that after the three months you spent together in America, gathering intel on a smuggling ring, living in the same apartment. The groggy, 'good mornings' when his voice was still scratchy with sleep, hair falling in his eyes. The late nights bandaging wounds and killing cheap bottles of wine while watching terrible American reality shows.

It was those bottles of wine that did you in on your second to last night in America. Supplying you with courage and draining your sense of reason, allowing you to crawl onto his lap, into his arms. You could still remember the pressure of his lips on yours, those sharp teeth gently dragging along your lower lip.

Scared hands tracing the curve of your ass before taking handfuls to squeeze. The laugh that came from you was unlike anything you heard before, something so genuine that you couldn't reproduce.

How it felt when he lifted you up and took you to his bed, laying you down taking his time removing your clothes, and watching with awe as you pulled away his own. The way he looked over top of you, his hair a curtain of red around you just before you closed your eyes, gasping while he filled you.

You also remembered the guilt that crept into your head during the wee hours of the morning, the doubt that was louder than the snores coming from behind you.

It made you slip from under his massive arm, gather up your clothes from his floor, you tucked the blanket around him, and pressed a kiss to his temple before padding out of the room.

You told yourself you'd talk to him about it if he brought it up, but he never did. Not the next morning, or night, not on the plane ride back home, nor anytime since. It was a memory you'd hold close to your heart, one you wouldn't let slip away or share.

"There's nothing there, Mina. We're just good friends is all." You lied with a smile on your face, something that had become surprisingly easy to do.

If only you knew that Mina saw right through it. That Mina already knew the truth of it all.

>>><<<

It was nearly one in the morning when your phone rang. The goofy picture of Eijiro with face half painted at a festival a few years back never failed to make you grin.

"It's a little late." You answered by way of greeting.

"Don't pretend like you were anywhere close to sleeping, you little night owl."

Chuckling at the nickname that had followed you since high school, "What's up, Eiji?"

"I was going over flights. You said in the office that you wanted to leave on Friday?"

"Yeah. I have patrol tomorrow and I didn't find any flights after 6 PM so, Friday is the earliest."

He was quiet on the other line for a moment. "Yeah, you don't have patrol tomorrow, or work at all for that matter."

You sat up a bit straighter in bed. "Um, yes I do."

"No, you don't. I called Mina, asked her if you'd mind taking that shift for you and, since she knows what's happening, she agreed the extra day for travel would do you some good. So, she's covering you tomorrow then you're off work until next Wednesday. As for me, thanks to all that overtime I put in when Denki, Kyoka, and Hitoshi got married, the three of them are splitting up my days so I have until Wednesday too."

Eijiro sounded impossibly proud on the other line, you could almost see the smirk on his face. "You've got this all planned out, don't you?"

"And a bag nearly packed. Just need you to tell me what ties to bring."

"Gold, burgundy, and black."

"Thought your mom said no black for you?"

"She said no black for the wedding. She said nothing about black at the brunch!"

You couldn't wait to put on the tea-length dress that had been a favorite for years. Satin with a lacy top and, best of all, pockets.

He let out a rumbling laugh that fell off into comfortable silence as you laid back in your bed, lights still on, the room still a mess. You tapped the speaker icon and laid the phone on the pillow right beside your head, listing to the various sounds of Eijiro moving around.

A door creaking open, a hanger clattering against another, and a zipper. "And just like that, I'm all set."

"Don't forget your passport or hero license."

"I have one in my wallet and the other in my backpack."

You swiped up on your iPad, off Netflix, and going to google, lazily searching through flights. "So, did you find any good flights since you've clearly been looking?"

Another chuckle, "Eijiro, why are you laughing?" More stifled giggles had you sitting up in bed again. "Just tell me a site you were on. They're just flights, what's so funny?"

"There isn't a site."

"You said you were checking flights."

"And I was... on my family's jet."

"Eiji! No! No, no, no! That is supposed to be for their business or hero things! My stupid cousin's wedding is neither of those things!"

"Relax, Y/N. My family has multiple and they don't have any business trips planned right now anyways. I already cleared it with my mom. Seriously, I just mention your name and she's likely to let me have it for a whole year at least. Plus Todoroki's is back up in working order so the agency is covered too."

Damn, why'd he have to be so good at planning from time to time! You'd completely forgotten about the second jet his family had. Always opting for the larger one since the few missions they needed it for required them to bring fifty or so heroes along.

"Besides, if we fly private, we can land at an airstrip closer to the venue and won't need to drive four hours on top of a ten-hour flight."

"Alright, okay, thank you but, let me take care of the rental car, please. It's the least you can let me do."

"Deal. I just have one more question for ya."

"What's that?"

"Wanna leave tonight?"

You nearly dropped your damn iPad in shock. "Eijiro! What the fuck has gotten into you! It's the middle of the night!"

"I'm excited!" He boomed, "I haven't had a vacation in months!"

"I hate to break this to you, buddy, but this isn't going to be a vacation. You really shouldn't get your hopes up. This isn't going to be a good time with laughs and fun memories... my family, they just, they aren't those kinds of people."

"But we are." He stated matter-of-factly. "If they want to have sticks up their asses then let them! We'll have a good time on our own, laugh and make fun memories! So, what do you say, Y/N? I can be at your place in fifteen. I just gotta put shoes on and grab my keys..."

"Wait, hang on. Are you forgetting that we need someone to, oh, I dunno, FLY THE PLANE! Actually, we need two someone's, can't forget about a co-pilot!"

He hummed happily and you rubbed your temples. "You, you have a pilot and a co, don't you, Eiji?"

"Mhm! There is a company we use. Two can be at the hanger in an hour and every hour after that. I just have to make the call and get the flight plan approved which will be done before I even get to your house."

There was literally no reason to say no. You had mostly everything packed, nothing you needed to get from the store, all you had to do was put on pants and pack up your hygiene bag and you were ready too. Maybe getting there quicker and getting the whole thing over with would be better than staying home dwelling on everything.

"Better put your shoes on."

The glee in his voice, that was enough to make this whole thing worth it, "I'll see you soon."

>>><<<

Eijiro reached into the backseat and plopped a bag down on your lap the very moment you were buckled in. "Had to make a pit stop." He explained.

"It's after two in the morning, where'd you have to..."

"Just open the bag and don't complain."

You found it filled to the brim with all your favorite snacks.

"I'm sure the plane will have a bunch of snacks we can raid but I know for a fact they don't have these." He held up a pack of cookies and creme flavored pocky that had been his favorite for as long as you'd known him, quickly followed by your favorite flavor too. You also found a massive bag of gummy worms and jolly ranchers.

"So, what you're telling me is our teeth are going to rot by the time we land? Not that I'm complaining."

You ripped open the bag of ranchers knowing that was what he'd go for first and sure enough his hand dove inside just as he pulled away from the curb. You could hear his dangerously sharp teeth biting through the rock candy like it was nothing while you still rolled one around your mouth.

Eijiro asked you about the resort you'd be going to, wondering if you'd been there before or what other stuff you guys could do when you weren't dealing with your family. "I figured we could fly back Monday night or Tuesday morning, you know, just play it by ear in case there was anything else we wanted to do."

More than anything, you wished you could just leech a little bit of that excitement from him. The glimpses of his smile you caught as you drove under the street lights made your heart ache.

"What?" He asked with that wide smile of his. You'd been caught staring, red-handed.

"I, uh, I just don't know what to tell you."

You could see the subtle change of his grin, watch as it softened and his hand came to rest on your thigh. "Hey, it's gonna be fine! And if we run into them while out doing stuff, you can just avoid them or hide behind me!" At least hiding behind Eijiro is an easy thing to do, damn mountain of a man.

His thumb slowly brushed back and forth. "'S gonna be okay. I'll beat 'em up if they're assholes!"

You snickered at his Katsuki impression and let the drone of the radio fill the air around you both. Enjoying the silence the rest of the way to the hanger with Eijiro's hand atop your leg.