#we get it im your stupid mistake i ruin everything you do for me ill never be good enough to live on my own its always all my fault

[thekingofchungus]

,

[ivyuns]

after hours ❆ ✰

han jisung

genre: angst and fluff

word count: 1.6k

warnings: language + self harm

A/N: since you guys asked for it, heres part two of moral of the story (: repost

listen to after hours by the weeknd

part one | part two

masterlist

thought i almost died in my dream again.

right after you left changbin’s embrace to hop onto your plane back to korea, he was furious. he didnt even knew jisung was cheating on you. as a cousin, he went to yell at your ex lover.

“han fucking jisung.” changbin muttered out. the younger one lifted his eyes and saw his hyung. quickly wiping his tears and waits for changbin to continue speaking. “did i just witnessed y/n catching you cheating on her? are you serious jisung? after everything she done for you, for us, and you did this in return!?” changbin ran his fingers through his hair and let out a heavy sigh.

“i wont hurt you or anything, just at least talk to y/n and fix some things alright?” jisung immediately nodded as changbin left the room. jisung got up and changed into a casual outfit and met up with his manager to talk about some things.

without you, don't wanna sleep. cause my heart belongs to you.

after meeting up with his manager and convincing to continue the tour without him, he finally agreed. jisung dashes through the hallway, into his hotel room and gathers his stuff and gets his belongings then heads to the airport.

handing in his ticket and sitting in his seat in the plane, he pulls our your promise ring that you threw at him a few hours ago and remembers your pained face the moment you saw him cheat on you. the way the tears fell onto your cheeks. the way you wanted to hold back your tears but couldnt. jisung kicks the seat in front of him and starts bawling his eyes out, earning a groan from the elder who he kicked, immediately starting to apologize to the boomer.

wanting to fall asleep so time can pass by, only to have nightmares of you, taking your own life of his yet another stupid mistake. forcing himself to stay awake by looking back at all the memories you two shared.

baby where are you now when I need you most? i'd give it all just to hold you close.

after the plane has landed, he made his way out of the gate and hailed a cab and gave the driver the address of your apartment. few minutes pass by and jisung looks up and sees his destination. thanking the driver and giving them money and tip, he gets his stuff and unlocks your door. everything looked normal. you had to be here. quickly going to each room to see where you were, you were unseen.

memories start flooding in his mind and sees the first fight you two had. seeing your pale body on the bathroom floor. bunch of tubes connected to your body to regain the nutrients needed. he ran his hands through his hair and yelled, not caring about the neighbors. he needed to find you before his nightmare in the plane could actually happen.

i know it's all my fault, made you put down your guard.

he ran to the dorm, thankful you decided to live a few blocks away from them. taking out his keys to unlock the door and smells a familiar scent, knowing you came here recently. he goes to his room to see a box on his bed and the pictures hung up of you two hidden in his drawer.

seeing the note placed on the box made him feel even more worse. he let out another scream and pulled out his phone, seeing if you still share your location with him.

entering the passcode for his phone and opening his friends locator app. he searches for your name only to find only you can see his location. he threw his phone on the bed and fell on the ground. not knowing where you could be. who knows if youre in the streets all alone.

knowing if youre upsetting at something, jisung always knew you wouldnt have the appetite to eat and ruin your healthy life. even if you came back to korea a few hours ago, your body could make you sick, especially since you didnt eat anything before you left for japan.

i know i made you fall, they said you were wrong for me

remembering how you acted towards him after telling stays about your relationship with him made him guilty. he knew how insecure you felt since the beginning of high school. after the mean comments stays made about you, you felt everyone was coming at you and that you didnt deserve jisung.

until jisung stepped in and defended you. he brought in the light when you fell into the darkest time. even til before he cheated on you, whenever you would fall into a dark time, he would be your knight in shining armor and bring you back to light.

i lied to you, i lied to you, i lied to you. Can't hide the truth, I stayed with her in spite of you.

he knew he shouldnt had cheated on you. but something that jiseo gave him made him fall harder for her and started cheating behind your back. the times he cancelled the dates and plans was only to hang out with jiseo. with the excuses he used was just he needed to practice more or make a new song. all the lies he said to you. all the unsaid i love you.

you did some things that you regret, still ride for you. cause this house is not a home.

currently on the bridge you were sitting at, with the han river under your dangling legs and with park near the bridge, where you two met when you were a little kid. with a blade in your hand, you rolled up your over-sized button up flannel to reveal a fresh canvas to place the scars. each memory and tear that fell, you would cut into your flesh. you promised yourself you would never cut youself or try to harm you, but you felt weak and nobody was there to help.

jisung, who was running around trying to look at the places you would always go to relieve some stress or just for fun. remembering you would always go to the park next to the han river always made you feel so calm since it was the place you and him landed eyes on each other. running to the park, only to find nobody. looking up afar, he sees a figure. a very familiar figure. noticing the same flannel you would always wear.

making his way to the bridge, he hears the sobs which pains him. going up to you, he sees blood coming out of your fore arm. widening his eyes as he approaches you, he takes the blade and throws it in the river and hugs your trembling body.

“its okay y/n” he tries to make you calm. slowly sinking into the hug, relaxing. you then remember what happened. with your shaking body, you push jisung back to where he isnt hugging you anymore and falls on his side. “how can you say that as i caught you cheating on me?!” you yelled out, which you shouldnt have, making you see more than one jisung.

“y/n, let me explain!” due to lots of blood loss, you fainted. having jisung to press on your wounds and take you to the hospital. “please y/n, not again. please i cant lose you again.”

jisung waited in the waiting room with his elbows on his knees and bloody hands on his hand. as the doctor was walking towards him with papers in his hands, he stood up. “ah so jisung. y/n is fine but due to the lost of blood she lost which was almost half a gallon, she will be having blood transmitting to her body. you can go to her room now” jisung thanks the doctor as he pats jisungs back.

walking to your room, only to see you looking at the window. jisung grabs a chair and places it next to your bed. jisung grabs your hand and starts speaking.

“im sorry y/n. i-i shouldnt have cheated on you. if i didnt, we wouldnt have to be in this situation. i dont know why i did it in the first place but after seeing you hurt, it just made me feel so guilty. i didnt return you the love you gave me and seeing your pained face, i just felt my heart shatter. and after having to keep stray kids continuing their tour without me and coming back here to talk to you. just because i love you and i dont know what life ill be doing without you.”

you turn your head to see jisungs face full of regret of what he did in the hotel room. you smiled after hearing ‘i love you’ after months. “i love you too jisung”. he lifts up his head and sees you smile. he gets up and hugs you. “if you do this again jisung, i wont hesitate and break up with you.” and kiss jisung on his lips. he sits back down and grabs your left hand. “i believe you need to put this on again, sunshine.” and slides in the promise ring you threw at him.

and finally, he goes on his knees and pulls out the small black velvet box you found earlier. without jisung even asking, you immediately say yes. “baby i didnt even ask you” jisung laughs.

“i dont care, yes is my answer.”

jisung smiles and puts the engagement ring on your ring finger.

“thank you for this second chance baby”

sorry that i broke your heart, your heart. and I said, baby, i’ll treat you better than i did before, i'll hold you down and not let you go, this time i won't break your heart, your heart, no.

END <3

a repost since first try didnt show up in the tags but ty for reading

[thingstotellthem]

I hope everything you love gets ruined. I hope one day, someone ruins your life like you tried to ruin mine and my girlfriend's lives. You're nothing but a mentally abusive cunt, but above everything else you're selfish. You acted like I didn't care about your depression when I was there trying to fuxking help your stupid ass and be supportive. Youve done so much bad shit yet you shat all over me for making like 3 mistakes during our friendship and being irresponsible at the very worst. I hate how much you've rotted my brain, I've already been traumatized by emotionally/mentally abusive people my whole fucking life and you're just another one of them. What kills me is you'll never realize you're wrong! You get to lie about being a victim when we never did anything to you, you use insults and love bombing to get people back on your side, and your excuse? "I-im a minorrrr!!! I can never do anything wrong~" you nearly made a severely mentally ill teenager nearly kill herself because you couldn't handle being called a need AS A FUCKING JOKE. need I say more? You're a fucking villain and all I can pray is that you've changed enough to just stay in your lane and fuck off when we do our projects and post publicly. Im tired of hiding from some piece of shit punk like you. Maybe well get lucky and you'll get run off the internet. Either way, fuck you and die.

[the-dimensionmaker]

Oh boy.... where... WHERE... do i begin with this... i had to think about this for a LONG time... cause i know if i talk about this and try and give Aidan more attention... then my friend and great artist, Raisha gs will be upset with me... and.... will probably block me.... leaving me here to grieve again for the mistakes i did...... so if Raisha some how knows that i have a twitter acc... first off... hi dude... second off dont block me... yhe worst you can do is block someone for trying to get something out of they're situation so they can feel better... im not saying that your a bad person... im not saying that that your trying to control my life... all im saying is that.. please... understand that i need to do this... if people are doing this against people like Lui or Mini Ladd or even Shane Dawson... then i should do the same for a guy who has did this... dont worry... i blocked him on twitter.... so dont worry about him trying to find out about what im talking about... ok...? I hope you understand...

so for starters if you dont know who i am, i am the Dimensionmaker. Someone who wants to make animations for yt, who wants to make his own games, want do lets plays, and even talk to you viewers... i have a rough life... filled with nothing but people lying to me, people cheating on me without a reason (the numbers of people who did that is now 61 in total...), people lying ABOUT me, nothing but fear, and many more... Jaiden or Kitty Courtnie And Linka, is... the first gf i ever had. She was... the worst as well. She never listened, didnt care, and then cheated... then we have... Aidan2003, who is the main topic of this...

We start from what caused all of this to happen... when i was in middle school still i was on roblox... i had great friends... one of them named herself Jaidenanimations (not the real one...) also known as Courtnie... she was the nicest.. at the time she had a bf named Dud.. (btw Dud is Older then both me AND courtnie.. he acted like a complete creep around her..) but fsr.. Dud broke up with her.... someone named Ethan dated her too... but then broke up with her... and who knows if he is older then courtnie at the time... she was now sad... so i decided to become her bf... and when i did... we were... THE BEST... we loved each other more then anything... she would without me asking, want to do a drp with me... she wanted to come to my house... she wanted to meet me irl... she was better then anyone...things got a bit worst... Jaiden was now enemies with everyone... (Ethan, Dud, Jonathan, etc...) she doesnt want them to follow her... so i decied to be a bit strict.. and tell her to NOT go to any of the roblox games till she blocks them... and she lies to me... saying that... "She wasnt able to block them as a crack was CONVENIENTLY on the block and unfriend button..." and when ever we have a plan or another idea on what can actually work... she lied her way saying thaings like oh.. "My Phone Is Dead" and such.. so much in fake that it was... PREDICTABLE... she then started to hang out with them... i became a bit more stricter... then my mental health became bad... she didnt listen... it made me feel like nobody listens to me... leading me into a depression... i felt like nobody liked me... nobody listens to me... nobody even cared about me... i wanted to die... a... bunch of times... most of the time... she never cared... then... on yt......... she cheated on me... with 2 people who were OLDER THEN ME AND HER COMBINED (being both Jonathan and Dud... keep that in mind...)... i noticed this.... i was FURIOUS..... i yelled at the thing i thought was a girl i Loved... a girl i could trust... a Girl that i thought was LOYAL..... then her parents got involved calling me rude words like European Boy (i think it was something else) "just because my skin was black".. keep that in mind as well... "her parents deleted her discord acc For Good..." (keep thaf in mind...)... then... i sobbed... again... and again... i tried to go and find people who cares about me or loved me... but then they cheated... one by one... my mental health became WORST.... i tried many methods... me having more then one girlfriend... having them make promises due to what has happen to me... being nice... being strict..... nothing worked.......... my life was miserable...... i didnt finally be able to talk to courtnie and get her to break up with Jonathan... she was happy that she did... but then she didnt come back to roblox... but then betrayed me yet again........

I asked one of my friends on if they are able to talk to Courtnie...they couldn't... all except for one person one of them know... Aidan... i talked to Aidan and he actually was nice... but then... he started to act like im a pedo... wanna know why...? Get this... JAIDEN LIED ABOUT HER AGE THE WHOLE TIME. when i was 13 she was 10 ALL ALONG. She lied to me for YEARS... saying she was my age.... i blocked Aidan and never talked to him ever again... and jaiden finally talks to me and we were in good terms... but then... Aidan came in.... saying jaiden has caused alot of crap to him... i believed him and became his friend only to be forced into a group where this friends (ETHAN AND IVAN BEING ONE OF THEM) could harass me... then... we go to his videos... his videos are false... they barely show proof... he says points that are completely incorrect.... hell here is some (not all cause i dont want to be texting all night) he said in them...

- "I Know Where You Live And I Know Everything About You"

He says this yet he assumed i was a 25 year old man. Even tho im now 15. At the time i was 14 now im 15. Plus he doxxedy house. And stole my IP ADDRESS... that right there makes him seem more like a creep. Courtnie without me asking told me where she lived. This guy STOLE MY IP ADDRESS AND FUCKING DOXXED MY HOUSE. That right there will show that he is a bad person who is just lying to ruin my life... speaking of lying

- "Schroederluvr Is A Minor"

This proves that he didnt even talk to her... she isnt a minor... hell looking at her compared to me... she is OLDER THEN ME.. SHE IS 20 SOMETHING YEARS OLD. I Didnt Harass Her Anyways so why is he saying that i did.

- "Lillie is innocent"

Lillie on Instagram literally said in her own words that she is bullying me because of me being depressed. Thats jot justified AT ALL.

"Klara's post is about me"

No its not. Its about lillie and her friends. Who BTW IS DMING ME SENDING A PICTURE OF SOME STUPID PICTURE OF A INCINEROAR. sure yes it doesnt seem to bad but its EXTREMELY ANNOYING.

- "Telling the police that Aidan doxxed my house and Stole my IP Address wont do anything"

It will, Aidan. It literally says that no matter how you got it or why you got it, you will be send to jail.

- "TALKING to minors is bad"

Wrong. If thats the case then someone like WILDCAT, VANOSS, H2ODELIRIOUS, MARKIPLIER, CORYXKENSHIN, AND MANY MANY MORE would be swatted and in jail. Its not Illegal to talk to them.

- "that Katie is innocent"

Katie has done a MOUNTAIN of stuff to me. So much so that even the nicest people of all time wont be nice to her. She isnt in the right. AT. ALL.

- "that telling people to leave me alone is harassing them"

Its not harassment. Seriously. A NORMAL HUMAN BEING WOULD KNOW THAT IST NOR HARASSMENT TO TELL SOMEONE TO GO AWAY OR LEAVE THEM ALONE

- "That im a predator yet youw ont go after Jonathan and Dud"

He literally spares them but not me. Jonathan was 17 i think. And Dud was i think 19. Now he's probably 20 OR 21 YEARS OLD. And you STILL come at me for just DATING someone who LIED ABOUT HER AGE.

- "that i was... Harassing? xxlitle_dummyxx"

Even tho she literally wants to be rude while im trying to help... wow... just fucking WOW

- "that not telling people your name, nor putting your name on your acc is a bad thing"

No.. no its not... hell we look at a bunch of youtubers doing that. Hell there are a bunch of people i KNOW that doesnt say they're real name. It's THEY'RE CHOICE. Not yours Aidan.

Anyways.... then to make things worst he called me the N word a bunch of times then say that he "didnt" because i didnt have proof... wanna know why? BECAUSE HE BLOCKED ME AFTER THAT SO I WASNT ABLE TO TAKE A VIDEO OF THIS. Then he made a fake conversation between me and jaiden. I can tell its fake by just looking at the pfps and names...

I decided to delete all the posts about him on Instagram... not because he beated me... but because i wanted Raisha gs to be happy... to not hate me...... to not block me... thats something that Effects me when it comes to someone like Raisha or Brsstar... i worry that if i make one mistake for what ever reason... ill be blocked... so im hoping that Raisha understands that i cant hold all of this in anymore... if Aidan are exposing me for shit i didn't do... if PEOPLE are coming out to finally say the truth about someone... then i should as well.... i hope you understand if you made it this far...

So... here's what i have to say for the conclusion of this... if you all see the name... "Aidan2003"... block him... REPORT HIM... do what ever you like to him.... he wants to hurt me for shit i didnt do... so why should i say to not do the same to him... he is not a good person... he never was....

This is The Creator Of Multiverses... and i will soon make other posts, dont worry ^^.

Till then my fell Universers..

[itsyourbby]

💔Cheater💔katsuki bakugou x reader

Warning the fallowing text contains..

-curse words

-rough sex (sorda)

-a hurtful topic (author-Chan hates seeing one of her favorite characters cheat on her reader which hurts her😅)(oops spoiler)

You have been warnedddd

________________________

Ever since I first laid my eyes on him...I loved him...I didn't mind his  weird muttering habit,matter a fact I loved it! I didn't mind how shy he was,it made him seem cute, I loved everything about him from his big feet to his green curly hair,

i didn't mind his determination towards being the number one hero,I truly didn't,but because of leaving him be and letting him study or whatever for that excuse I didn't seem to realize.....that he was cheating on me....

~A few weeks ago~

"Hey izuku?" I said with a hopeful determination that he might want to watch a movie.

"Y-yeah..? What's up (y/n)~San..?"he asked with a bit of nervousness.

"Can we watch a movie?! We almost never have time for our relationship..You're always busy with your determination of being the top hero...Oh I'm not annoyed about that but just...can I be noticed by you for once..?"I looked down and noticed that uraraka came into the living room.

Izuku looked at uraraka and gave her a worried look,uraraka on the other hand gave izuku a mad glare...hearing a big sigh I looked up.

"S-sorry (y/n) but I got loads of work I got to finish and give to all might..I'll see you later alright..?"

Like always..that same stupid..excuse...

Feeling a weak peck on the cheek I hear him start talking to uraraka.

"That was tough"

I gasp and looked at my right realizing that bakugou was leaning on the wall with his hands in his pockets this whole time.

"O-oh katsuki..hey.."you might wonder why I'm calling bakugou by his first name..well long story short I was sad about izuku not noticing me and he seemed to notice me instead of izuku himself so he took the responsibility to make me feel better...with out realizing it we got close😅really close.

I looked back at my feet with a frown.

"Oi keep frowning and you'll end up with that same face,anyway how about we watch a shitty movie,fucking deku doesn't know what he's missing.."he said while grabbing the controller and sitting next to me.

Seems like that cheered me up because the next thing you know I started smiling along with giggling.

"Why the fuck are you giggling?STOP GIGGLING BEFORE I FUCKING REGRET DOING THIS FOR YOU,YOU LITTL-"

"Oh OK OK OK IM SORRY GOMEN GOMEN..it's just that..I never thought that the almighty bakugou katsuki would do something that nice for a loser like me..."I looked down once again biting my bottom lip.

"O-oi don't talk about yourself like that..if we're gonna watch a movie then you gotta be happy..I wanna see your stupid smile..."he said with a hint of blush.

My eyes widened in shock, I looked up at him then soften my face

‘I'm so thankful for having him'

A few minutes later

You had your head on katsuki's  shoulder and slowly started drifting off to sleep..but wait...you had an idea..

You stand up and turned around to look at katsuki

"Oi what the hell! the movie was getting good sit your ass down!"

"Wait but katsuki I forgot to make popcorn!"you looked at him with your puppy face

"Grrragh fine go get them"he said while looking back at the movie.

You head to the kitchen trying to find the popcorn,once you find it you put it in the microwave and sit

'I wonder how izuku is doing..oh! I can check up on him and maybe bring some sandwiches!!! I'm such a good girlfriend☺️’

I got out everything that I needed for my piece of work and got to work!

Time skip brought to you byyyyyy

This adorable picture of shigaraki😭❤️

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

"Good Im finally done"

Grabbing a tray you put the sandwiches on the tray along with izuku's favorite juice.

You start to head to his dorm thinking about how he'll thank you.

'OH thank you so much (n/n), i love you so much babe❤️"

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

You sighed realizing that he will never say that,you zoned out when you started hearing...moaning.

"What the hell..?"

You looked at the room that was next to you and realized where it came from..izuku.

putting your ear on the door you started hearing the moan even louder...yep it's in this room

"Mmmnnn"

"hahhh just give it to me please.."

"Your such a naughty girl ochako "

'O-ochako..'

You took a big breath and decide to knock.

'THEY DIDNT EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO FUCKING CLOSE THE DOOR'

You just wanted to get this over with so you just opened it and the next thing you saw horrored you.

You saw izuku-no, midoriya and uraraka on his bed...naked...making out and enjoying it

"I-izuku..."your voice cracked as the realization hit you.he’s been doing this...for 2 whole fucking years...

you were so shocked that you didn't even noticed that you let go of the tray.now on the floor was 2 messed up pieces of sandwiches and a spilled juice.

'How could he do this' he promised to always be with you,to always support you,to never betray you...

Midoriya turn his head fast realizing who's voice he just heard

"(Y/N)?!"he got off the bed and head to your direction.clumps of tears went down your eyes,you never cried this much before, it was shocking to you that it was possible to have this much tears in such a small period of time,you started sobbing realizing that he never cared about you,he never loved you.

He grabbed your arm with his filthy hands but you took your hand out of his embrace with a pity look on your face

"(N/N) ITS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE..IM SO SORRY,I CAN EXPLAIN"he looked at you with teary eyes and begged you to listen to him,you had enough,

"YOU RAT BASTERD"hearing you say that... it sounded like venom to midoriya,his eyes widen surprised at what you just said,tears started to fall down his horrified face,he never saw you this mad,he never heard you curse,for once he realized that he actually fucked up,you turned around and started running, not Even a minute later you hit something,you didn't care what it was or who it was but you just hugged it

"Wait what the fuck,WHY THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU CRYING (N/N)?!

WHO THE FUCK HURT YOU,ILL KILL THEM?!?!?!?!"

You looked up and noticed that you were hugging katsuki.

"K-katsuki.."you sobbed louder and louder.katsuki looked above you trying to find the purpose on why your adorable little face is crying.his eyes widened when he saw midoriya crying on the door frame, naked (well he was covering his ding dong with a pillow).

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT,IS THIS THE REASON WHY YOU HAVENT BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH HER,BECAUSE YOUR FUCKING CHEATING ON HER WITH THAT WHORE ?!"

You heard doors opening and people gasping at the thing they saw.

"Omg (n/n) are you alright?"momo went up to you and started hugging you.

"That's so messed..up"kirishima looked down and shakes his head in disappointment.

"What the hell?! (N/n) are you alright?! I can't believe uraraka is such a whore,she's so desperate! i mean we all knew she liked midoriya since the beginning but we never thought she would ever do this to be with him....to make him cheat..."Mina said with disgust.

You started hearing midoriya sobbing louder and louder while whispering sorry and beating him self up non stop.

You turned around head hung low,tears running down your cheeks,

going back to katsuki and hugging him tightly afraid that he might let go,

"ca-can we le-leave..."

" abso-fucking-lutely"

Katsuki picked you up and headed strait to your room.

💦first pov💦

I felt broken..I wasn't expecting that...I'm so fucking dumb,how could I not realize that he was cheating on me..after all those excuses I didn't even realize that he was doing that..it's stupid..

"love is stupid"while not realizing that I said that out loud katsuki still had me,he was still carrying me,he's still with me...

(Look ok so I couldn't find a picture where it shows how katsuki was carrying reader~San, so this one is the most closest on how they look,katsuki is walking while you have your legs around his waist,having your arms around his neck and your head buried in his neck)

Katsuki was outside of your room so he just opened the door with his leg and softly laid you down on the bed with him just laying down next to you after he shut the door.

He sighed and started talking,

"Look...love Isn't stupid..it isn't bad and it isn’t a fucking waste.stupid,bad and a waste depends on the person you love,for example..."katsuki slowly got near you and once he was next to you he hugged you

(You can choose which ever you want reader~san😭)

"Fucking loving deku was a huge motherfucking mistakenly could have ever done...and well loving me..would be a whole different thing"he said with a tint of worry.

My eyes widened,did I hear that right?

I looked at him with my eyes widened for the hundredth time,I never noticed.

"Yeah....I fucking love you....I love you (y/n)..damn I’ve been wanting to say those words to you from the very beginning but since you went and started dating that shithead I didn’t want to....uh....ruin our friendship.."katsuki tried to avoid eye contact seeming that he wasn't looking at my direction.

I then realized what a huge mistake Ive made for 2 years..how could I not realize that..the person I should have loved was right infront of me..I wasted time on a fucking jerk that..that didn't even try to love me.i still had my eyes widened at the new information I just received...having flash backs of every moment I had with katsuki made me realize that...I slowly had fallen for him with out realizing it...every second I spended with him made me fall for him but of course..I had to be blinded by mother fucking izuku midoriya.

I looked at him in the eye,placed both of my hands on his cheeks and slammed my lips on his.

He was totally shooked, his eyes were widened as hell, a few seconds later he went along with it and closed his eyes fallowing my lead.

A few minutes passed and he took the lead,he was on top of me about to take my shirt off when he pulled away and asked,

"Are you sure..? You don't have to do it if you don't want to,it's ight with me🤷🏻‍♀️"

(Look reader~San,I know it escalated quickly,you just got your heart broken and now your about to get fucked xD but plz understand that this is smut and anything is possible🥳🤯🤩)

I sighed and took a big breath,

"No,no it's ok.i wanna do it..I truly do wanna do it.so just hurry...I want it"

Katsuki smirked at my response and quickly took his and my clothes off except for the undergarment,

//////////////////////////////////

he started planting sweet gentle kisses on me while I try to not moan,placing my hand above my mouth,katsuki some how noticed my struggle and grunted,

"Let me hear you,I wanna hear-.....god damn it..I wanna hear your fucking moans" taking ahold of my warm sweaty hand he started attacking my neck,going left and right,trying to fined my sweet spot.

"A-aAhH"I opened my eyes in shock,not prepared for the sudden feeling of pleasure.out of no where I couldn't stop but moan.

I looked down and noticed that kacchan was enjoying it.

'Ggrrr I'm not gonna let him play me like that'

I took his hands and flipped him over.

"Like if I would let you be top,I'm gonna show you who's the boss.."

I studied his face,looking at his shocked scarlet eyes to his once chapped lips.

Satisfied with his reaction I whispered to his ear

"Now I'll show you my true side."

Licking his ear I started giving him hickeys,one over here,and Another over here,

(Something like that..but a bit more cuz if u haven't noticed..reader~Chan is a freaky freak😏😉lmao I’m high)

"GgggaAah aAah~"

Was..WAS THAT A MOAN?!FROM KATSUKI?!!!!!!!

I felt my face get hot,oh god,I have a feeling that I'm blushing hardcore oh nah,I kept going down and I kept leaving him hickeys non stop,near his nipples,near his abbs,

Reaching his v line I started tugging on his boxers trying to let him know....that I'm actually finally ready..

He stood up on the end of the bed and grinned,slowly taking his boxers off he didn't take his eyes off of me,

"Ughhhhh kacchan~ hurry up..."I looked to my side trying to avoid eye contact after that embarrassing statement.

"Why should I? I'm gonna take as long as I fucking want,besides your not using the magic word sweetie"

Pouting, I opened my mouth trying to get the courage to say what he wanted me to say,

I took a deep breath

"JUST HURRY UP AND FUCK ME DAMN IT, I NEED U IN ME GOD FUCKING DAMN,IS IT TO MUCH TO ASK FOR YOU TO SIMPLY FUCK ME?!"

(You areeeee 4 C and 4 D..lmfAo🤣)

Seems like what I said turned him on cuz when I looked down there,the only thing I could see was a huge and I mean a HUGE fucking tent.

He bit his lip and finally took his boxer and his underwear off.

My eyes almost popped off once I seen his...his masterpiece..I guess?

"I-it's freakin HUGE"

I felt a bit worried and sorda painful,just thinking about it not fitting inside of me,just the idea of it tearing my insides apart,I sorda was looking forward to it?

Instead of him placing himself on my entrance he bend over and faced me.

"If you actually thought I was about to fucking give it to you then your fucking dreaming,I haven't even pleasured you yet😏"

He shoved 2fingers in my mouth while the other hand tried to take off my panties,I helped him instead of just seeing him miserably fail because bitch let me tell you I don't have my usual patience with me right now.

I sucked on the fingers until he pulled them out and shoved it up my womanhood.

"AaAhHh"moaning at that sudden action he kept going. The room was filled with me moaning,wet fingers inside of me and kacchan silently snickering.

I soon felt even more pleasure when he placed in 3 fingers,it felt like nothing I have ever felt,I never imagined such feeling could exist,just the thought about the pleasure that bakugou would give me later turned me on Even more.

I can't believe that I would be doing this with my boy best friend,with the person that actually loves me,I always thought that I would share this special moment with midoriya ..not kacchan..it's weird thinking about it for some reason,the person that I would promise my whole body to was always by my side while the person that I THOGHT would have my body was actually never there._. Oh well,at least I'm with the right person now!

Feeling something wet and...fast made me realize that he was now basically eating me.

The fast feeling of his tongue inside of me was incredible! He once again smirked.He licked up your folds, his tongues dipping past your hole teasingly. He used his thumb to toy with your clit as he stimulated your folds. He poked his tongue past your walls, wiggling it around before shoving in another finger

(You look like the bottom katsuki face xD)

"K-katsuki I-i thi-think I-im about-t to-"with a shocked tone I looked at him,my mouth opened and my tong out on the side might of made it enough for him.

3

You moaned out loudly at the sudden feeling of him going even faster.your orgasm rushing over you. Your eyes squeezed shut as he continued to pump you through your release.

You bucked your hip as you feel your insides tighten.

2

"Katsuki!"

1

Not even one second later You felt this thick white substance come out squirting on kacchansface.he just smirked and cleaned the mess with his tongue."fuck, (n/n)You looked so Goddamn good like that

I take a deep breath in and let it out.

"No lie..that felt sooo good~uhhh but that kinda tired me😭uughhh"

Hehe I guess I turned him on even more

💦Second pov💦

You felt his cock lift,you looked at it and saw the huge boner he’s been having the whole time.

"Hehehe I guess your little friend already wants me~"

You stand up and let kacchan sit up at the corner of the bed,

"Too bad,I haven't even pleasured you yet,sounds familiar right?"

"Tsk"

You smiled at the fact that you used his own words against himself.

You then were on your knees,closing your eyes and imagining on how it would feel when his whole dick would be inside of your mouth.

You gently touched his cock and blowed hot air on it,you looked up at him and saw him trying not to moan,

"Aaah come on kacchan,let me hear your moans,it's gonna make this whole thing better~" he just grunted and looked at you,"hurry up,I don't have the fucking patients to just wait for you and let u chose when you want to do this or not"

"What's the magic word?"

"Oh my fucking god (y/n)....JUST SUCK MY DAMN DICK YOU BITCH"

You spit on his cock and soon started to jerk him off,not even one minute later you hear him moaning,you smirked and started to go even faster,

he cocked his head back and closed his eyes trying his best not to moan but he sadly failed.

Your hand got tired so the next thing to do,was to suck it,instead of being scared..you were excited.you placed your mouth on his tip and started to swirl your tongue around it,you went deeper and deeper until your mouth didn't have enough space,I guess you need kacchan's help now,you placed your mouth off of it and looked at kacchan embarrassed,he looked at you curious on why you stopped.

"U-umm kacchan......I want you to.......face fuck me...I-if tha-That's alright w-with you?!?!?..."you looked at the floor trying not to blush,

'I can't believe that I just said that,oh god!'

Katsuki's eyes lid up,he looked a bit happy that you asked for help,he gave you a smug smirk and answered your request,

"Well of course love,aw don't be embarrassed it's ok to ask for help~

I'm fucking glad to help you,I'll face fuck you so hard that your whole fucking face would be red~

It's actually a fucking turn on when you ask for help~"

At first you pouted seeing that kacchan was mocking you but then you got embarrassed and looked away,you really were something else considering that sometime you felt the need to be bold but when someone gets you embarrassed you seem shy and tense.its like if you got 2 side of yourself,the innocent side and the bold devilish side,both making you who you truly are and at the same time both making you 2 different people.

"I'll make sure to ask for help more then~"as you responded with that, kacchan stood up and got his cock right in front of your face and waited for you to open your mouth.you know that it would feel a bit uncomfortable at first but you'll soon adjust to his size, so you take a deep breath and open your mouth and waited for him to shove his cock in your mouth.

"Ah-ah-ah did you fucking forget to say something? Fucking Rude.."

'Hmm?...oh...damn it!'

"*sigh* Itadakimasu.."

/////////////////////////////

To be continue......

Haha ok so this is my smut and I feel like it came out sorda good.i bet it was horrible in your experience but oh well😭Please let me know of any mistakes I didn't cover,and please send in tips on how I can do better in these things😂

I hope you like it soo toodles✌🏼

Should I do part 2?

Should I continue??

M💗

[kweebtrash]

Can I Love Like This? (M)

Messy Chapter 6

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny 

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings:  description/discussions of sexual assaults, beginnings of codependency, light drinking/drug use, unhealthy coping mechanisms, anxiety attack/night terrors, a little bit of a “i can fix/help you attitude”, a little jealousssyyyyyyyyyy

Features: slight daddy kink (daddy/princess), a lot of making out and ass grabbing (because johnny’s a slut), a little bit of grinding, blow jobs, unprotected sex/pulling out, slow fucking/riding, scratching, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, oh and cock warming

Word Count: around 13.5k

A/N: There’s no group chat at the end so I’m sorry! I know a lot of people like them because they’re funny but for some of the serious chapters there won’t be. Towards the end, the songs referenced are Chase Atlantics “Dancer in the Dark” and “Into It”.

Messy Masterlist    Buy me a Ko-Fi  Other Stories

Johnny's POV

I stood quiet as I was unsure as to why she was crying. It happened so suddenly that I stopped talking, pausing to see if she would gather herself. I had told her what happened after the rave and everything that transpired the past couple of weeks. It was definitely hard to say the whole truth. Jae had only gotten the cliffnotes version; i wasn't exactly comfortable telling him everything even though he was my best friend. For some reason though, with Eri, I felt like I could tell her anything and she wouldn't think less of me. I just didn't expect her to cry.

“I'm so sorry, Johnny.” She managed to squeak through her hiccuped breaths.

I scooted closer to her. “For what?”

“For not being there for you…”

“How could you have been? I pushed you away. I needed some time to myself. Shit got heavy really fast and I stayed roped in this mess. I just felt stupid. I knew i shouldn't have taken the pill but I did. And if i hadn't maybe i would've avoided all this.”

“Dont ever blame yourself, ok? We make mistakes but that doesn't warrant anyone getting ra-”

I grabbed her shoulder, more intensely than i should have but i couldn't bear to hear what she was about to say just yet. “Please don't say that word. Just don't.”

She pursed her lips together and pulled her knees to her chest. I sighed and raised my hand to wipe away the smudge-y black tears staining her cheek. She turned towards my touches, slowly falling into my chest and holding onto me tight. It felt good to be held like this. I didn't realize i was even craving it until now. A warm touch that wasn't full of violence or ill will finally made me feel like I could breathe again. Like my safety net has been casted and I could fall into it without worry. “I don't want this to happen to you again. I want to be there for you.”

“It wouldn't be the first time.” I shrugged simply.

Eri looked at me in surprise and as if another round of tears were about to break through at any moment. “What do you mean? T-this has happened before?”

“Something similar, i guess.” I set my head in the palm of my hand as she pulled away to give me room to breath. “When i was younger i hooked up with an older chick which was a big mistake. I wasn't really experienced at the time so I let her take control. So she asked me to go down on her-this was my first time doing it- and then she kinda...she like held me there. I couldn't really breathe so i started to panic and tried to push her away. She didn't let go. When she finally did I didn't want to do anything after but I guess she convinced me or guilted me into having sex after.”

“Oh my god...that's why you dont-”

I nodded.

Her semi silent tears exploded again and i wanted to shake her. There wasn't any need to cry over me or even take pity upon me.  “Eri, stop it. Stop crying.”

“Don't tell me to stop crying! All this shit happened to you and it makes me pissed! Im angry you felt like you couldn't tell anyone. I'm upset at myself for not being there for you. I feel guilty for all those times i asked you to go down on me. And worst of all i want to hurt the bitches that did this to you. Like really hurt them.”

“Don't. I just wanted you to know. I was the one that felt guilty about leaving you on read. I got swallowed up by everything and it was like I wasn't allowed to even be with my friends. I'm thankful that you're worried about me and i'm definitely glad you're here with me now but I don't want to focus on the bad stuff anymore...can we just, maybe, stop talking about it?”

Eri wiped at the tears and nodded. “Yeah, yeah! Shit, of course. I’m sorry. You don’t have to think of it anymore because of me.” She enveloped me in another death grip hug, plastering me to her chest. I wrapped my arms around her waist, setting my head on her shoulder and closing my eyes for just a moment. I could smell her- the mintiness of her shampoo, the florals of her perfume, and the underlying muskiness of our sex. Paired with the heat of her body it was the most comforting thing i had felt all month. I sighed softly, giving her shoulder a quick kiss before pulling away. I kept my hands on her waist and looked up at her. “Do you...will you stay here tonight?”

“Duh.” She smiled. “I'd be totally okay with that.” I reciprocated her smile and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. She stayed close, adding a few more pecks until i leaned into her harder. Her hands fell to my shoulders, gripping them tightly as mine slipped to her hips. Just as I beckoned for her to part her lips she pulled away, leaving me confused. “Um...is this ok?” She whispered, nibbling on her lip nervously.

“If it was okay in the bathroom, why wouldn’t it be okay now?” I scoffed.

“Because...of everything we just talked about. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Remember how you did the same for me at the beach? I want to be sure you don’t feel-”

“I don’t feel like shit when I’m with you Eri, trust me. I guess I never told you but...don’t take this the wrong way ok? But like-” I exhaled deeply and dropped my head back onto the seat of the couch. “But when we fuck I don’t feel like anything’s wrong. I don’t feel like I have to be in my head, or wrapped up in shit that’s happened to me, or even like I’m rushing through it just to get off. It feels good.” I could see the hint of redness color her cheeks and it made my palms sweat. I pulled them away from her hips and wiped them furiously on my jeans, failing at trying to be as casual as I could be. I didn’t want it to seem like it was something that would ruin our fuck buddy relationship. I didn’t want that at all.

“I'm glad i can make you feel good. That's all i want, Johnny.” She said softly.

“C'mere.” I sighed, pulling her into my lap. “Promise me you wont worry about me that much?”

“Absolutely not.” She adjusted herself so that she straddled my thighs. “All i'm gonna do is worry about you now. You big dumb ass.” She resumed her gentle kisses and I dove back in to trying to pull more out of her. Anything to get my mind off of this. Too many emotions at once gave me a sick panicky feeling and retreating to sex was my comfort zone of all things, especially with Eri. With all the heavy talk I wanted to go back to burying it deep down inside my brain and my heart, trapped with all the other shit i had been through. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be free. Maybe i should be taking more time to properly heal and process it but i just wasn't capable of doing that. At least not now. Maybe somewhere down the line when i was in my mid thirties and having a crisis in therapy I could address it. But for now I was content with shoving it aside and convincing myself that I was alright. I need that intimate touch with Eri to help me forget and metaphorically wash away the dead feeling my body had from having sex with a destructive force of nature. I let my mind snap back to our kiss just as her lips parted and I could slip my tongue in. I sighed into her mouth, moving past my traumatic thoughts and letting my fingers trail up and down her spine.

Getting lost in her lips was a better addiction than any drug I'd ever done before. The way they felt against mine made me never want to stop kissing her. I didn't need to breathe, i just needed her against me. Her fingers crept into my hair, twirling around a few strands. Just as I kissed at her bottom lip she let out a soft whimper. “It still hurts, jerk.”

I smiled a bit, remembering my handiwork of almost tearing into the tenderness of her lips. A little part of me liked it, making it akin to her knowing that she was mine in that moment. “Oh, now you're gonna complain, princess?”

“D-dont call me that.” She whispered, touching her fingers to her tender lip.

“Why?”

“Because it's...i mean it goes with the whole...um-uh-" She turned her voice down to a whisper. “Daddy thing.”

Shit. I had almost forgotten about that. But how could I? It triggered something in me. Something i never even knew I desired. It made me want to do filthy flithy things and get lost in the way she begged for me. My own cheeks started to heat up just at the thought. “Right...so...uh...is that a thing between us now or?”

“I dont know! I mean it's still...there's like more to it than just the name and I dont think it's gonna be your gig!”

“How do you know that?” I tapped her forehead with mine gently and gave her another kiss. “Maybe I like all the shit you're into.”

“Name one single kink you have.”

“I like the hair pulling.”

“That's like normal people stuff, Johnny.” She practically laughed. “All i'm saying is that there's dynamics, trust, and learning that goes with using that word. It's more complicated than you think.”

“Does it mean i can control you?”

“EXCUSE.” She yelled.

“WHAT!? I'm just asking. I'm curious. Can't i be curious?”

“Well yeah but...i didn't think we'd be having this conversation so suddenly and especially not after everything that's happened.”

“I still like sex, Eri. I still want to have sex. I want to have good sex so that way my body doesn't shut down completely and i'm reminded of what it's like to not have control. Hence, why I asked. Can i have control of you?”

“Well...i mean…” she fidgeted against me and groped at the ends her hair. This was the first time I had ever really seen her so docile. It was a bit strange but i was beginning to like it almost as much as i liked her fiery “take no bullshit” personality. “Not all the time. Only in the bedroom, or bathroom...or i guess bumper cars too.”

“Interesting.” So she was giving me permission. Now what to do with that exactly. I was diving into new territory and while it was a hell of a lot more frightening than it was thrilling, the spark of curiosity was ever growing. Control was something I definitely needed during sex. I wouldn't be able to function without it. I didn't exactly see it as a kink thing, it was more of a me thing and how my mind reacted when I fucked. It was like a defensive mechanism that went off as soon as I was in someone. “Ok. So...another thing.” I started.

“Oh boy.” She took a deep breath and exhaled dramatically. “What else?”

“The choking.”

She scrunched up her body and wiggled in the most uncomfortable way. “Right. Uh...that's a thing I like. Not everyone does and you don't have to do it if you don't want to! And if you're trying to be kinky because of me you really really don't have to. I can have regular sex.”

“I want to try some things. The choking is a bit much but if you're okay with it and if i'm doing it right then maybe i'd be willing to do it again.” I confessed.

She covered her face and dove her head into my chest. “Oh my god. I can't believe we're doing this.”

“Why are you so off put by us doing it but not by Ten or Yuta?”

“Because!” She said, practically muffled by the barriers of our skin. “I never expected this from you! It's a little weird!”

“What's so weird about it?”

“I-you- we...ugh, i don't know! I guess i just…” She didn't look at me when she trailed off in her thoughts. She tugged harder on her hair, pulling a few strands free. I pulled her hands away before it got any worse.

“You're stressed.” I noted.

“It's a lot in one night to process. And i know you want to talk about this stuff between us right now because you want to ignore what happened. I get that, i really do. It feels good to ignore shit but it's a ticking time bomb.”

“I know that. The bomb has exploded a few times but it's all I can do right now. If you dont want to talk about kink stuff or sex or my life then that's fine.”

“Nonononono!” She waved her hand frantically as if to stop me. “I do! I like our talk but i'm...i don't want it to get too messy between us. I take the kink thing seriously. They're different relationships compared to romances or friendships, though they can cross over. So even if mutual friends do it and something happens where there’s disconnect or trust issues than it can be difficult to repair that. On top of that, you and I are-we're really connected. I keep forgiving you, you keep thinking about me. We're fucking stupid.”

“That's for damn sure. I know what I want from you.” I lied. “It's just sex.” Idiot, stop talking right now. “That's all it is, Eri.” Jesus christ, why do you do this to yourself?

It may have been in my imagination but maybe her deep brown eyes showed a hint of hurt in them. She quickly smiled as if would create a clean slate. “Well duh!” She laughed, which seemed a bit forced. “What else would it be! We're just friends. Who fuck. A lot. Just friends.”

I nodded, feeling my heart clench behind my rib cage. My mind was screaming to blurt out that I liked her but the chains that shackled me to my inability to fully trust anyone prevented me from heading in that new direction. “Just friends.”

She returned my nod as if we had just sealed a pact. “Um...so we're friends. Who fuck. And now you want to try being my-” She whispered again like the word was suddenly going to condemn her. “Daddy.”

“I mean…” What the fuck did I even mean? “Yes?”

She flopped into my chest again and i could tell we were on the same level of confusion, exhaustion, and frustration. Eri had been right all along and I should've listened to her. It was too much all at once. “Hey, do you want some clothes to change into so that way you're not all covered in straps and buckles and shit?” I said, trying to flip the conversation entirely.

“Oh!” She seemed grateful for the change of pace. “Yes, please. I'm ready to yeet this damn bra off.”

“What's your costume even supposed to be anyway?” I asked.

“I dont know,” She shrugged. “I just put together anything that looked slutty. Call me like a black cat or something.”

I flicked the metal o-ring on her collar. “Yeah, with your kitty collar.” I meant it as a joke but i could see by the way her she ducked her head and avoided me that she was thinking of something else. “Eri, oh my god.”

“What?! I didn't say anything!”

“You didn't have to, you kinky slut. I didn't mean it like that.” She hit my chest playfully.

“Shut up!” Eri shimmied off me and stood up between my legs. Her thighs were in my face now and i couldn't help but run my hands over them and cup her ass. This was my favorite part about her and i could kiss them for hours if she let me. I felt her tap my forehead. “Now you're being the slut. Come pick something for me to wear. I don't know where your clothes are.”

I patted her ass, beckoning her to move so i could get up myself. She moved back and headed towards my room. I was still slowly getting up from the floor when i heard her gasp. “What happened?!” I panicked and went to her side. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary though. “What's wrong?”

“Who's room is this? It's so clean!” She clutched her chest, over dramatically, and looked around. “There's no starbucks cups! And it smells so nice! Clothes are in the laundry basket! Oh my!”

“Ha ha, very funny. Sometimes cleaning your room during a severe depression episode helps. I just wanted something to help make me feel better.”

I went over to my closet while she poked around still raptured by the fact that she could now see my floor. I pushed through some of my gym shirts and button ups and found a hoodie that i thought might fit her. I pulled it out, waiting to hand it over to her, when i saw her fingers dancing over the keys of my electric keyboard. Her attention turned towards my acoustic guitar after, her head cocking just a bit to the side.

“So i'm not the only one with a music secret?”

“I dont keep it a secret. I make music with the guys all the time. It's just been really hard lately.”

“Mhm…” Eri pressed her lips together, her eyes darting to the left as if she was mulling over something. “So...if you're in journalism are you doing music journalism like I am?”

I shook my head and kind of laughed. I guess school and life shit never came up between us when we were fucking each others brains out. “No, photojournalism actually. I'm getting a minor in music production but I want to do mostly photojournalism.”

“I don't think you can get a degree by taking thirst trap gym pictures for instagram, Johnny boy.” She nudged my shoulder back playfully and i just rolled my eyes at her.

“I don't just take those kinds of pictures. I do other stuff. Better stuff. More meaningful stuff.” I leaned back against my dresser, the hoodie still in hand as i waited for her to start disrobing. She began with the collar, unbuckling it from around her neck and letting it fall against the harness. She turned towards me when she struggled to get to the straps behind her. I set the hoodie between my knees and pried at the metal clusterfuck. She pulled her hair over her shoulders. My eyes instantly went to the tattoos she had across her shoulder blades. I was tracing over the designs in my mind, falling deep in thought and not hearing what she was saying. I trailed up to her neck and could see the faintest dark mark from where my fingers dug into her throat. I swallowed hard. I don't know what had possessed me to give in to what she wanted. Choking wasn't something i had ever wanted to do yet she had somehow seduced me into it like some sort of vinyl clad succubus that had control over me with that little word she mistakenly (or not so mistakenly) uttered.

She looked back at me. “Did you hear me?”

“Huh? What?” I blinked and refocused on getting the straps of the harness loose. “Uh, what did you say?”

She pulled off the harness and took off her bra, sighing in relief. “I said i want to see some of your “meaningful stuff” since you said you're not always taking thirst trap pics and gym selfies.”

“Oh! Uh...i mean sure.” I handed her the hoodie which she slipped on before discarding the rest of her clothes and her boots. She looked much more cozy than before and i found myself preferring this look rather than her glammed up dominatrix gear. The sleeves of my hoodie were too long for her arms, dangling far past her small hands. She swung her arms a bit, wiggling her hips as she watched the excess fabric flop around. I couldn't help but laugh. “What the hell are you doing?”

She wiggled her arms out at me. “I don't know. They're so long on me it makes me think of an octopus.” She shrugged and became a little bit more reserved. “Sorry, i kinda do weird shit all the time.”

“Yeah, you definitely are weird that's for sure.”

“Tell me something I dont know.”

“I used to do this parrot impression for my mom when i was a kid.” I said.

“What in the fuck?” She laughed, covering half of her face with her sleeves as if to hide from second hand embarrassment.

“That's something you don't know but now you do. And i would show it to you but i don't think you deserve to see my great skill.”

“PLEASE, spare me. I don't want to hear you squawk like a parrot for the love of god.” She pawed at me with her hand as she stepped closer and set her head on my chest. I subconsciously wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled out my phone. I went to my photography Instagram and held it out for her to see.

“But anyway, parrot impression aside, here's my photography stuff. I mean it's not great or anything but...you know, i like it.”

She pushed the sleeves up her arms until her little hands were free and grabbed my phone, scrolling through my pictures. I felt my heartbeat increase with nervousness. I think i might've been scared to hear what she actually thought of my work; i guess i was putting value on her opinions and possibly wanting to...impress her? I was half prepared to hear that it all sucked but definitely not prepared for what she actually said.

“Johnny, you're so beautiful.”

I whipped my head towards her, stunned completely at those little words that i had never heard coupled together in my entire life. “W-what?” She angled my phone so i could see a self portrait i had done of me during the sunset. I thought it was a weak composition but for her to think that i was actually...beautiful? “It’s just...it's just a self portrait. I was just trying to experiment with lighting and-”

“You're beautiful, idiot. And talented. I love all of these.” She scrolled some more and almost let out a dreamy sigh. “This one...this one is perfect.” The new tile she had expanded was that of my eye filtering through the brightness of the sun and bringing out the kaleidoscope of colors my iris could make. Her cheeks looked a little warmer and i could have sworn she had let out a tiny giggle of pleasure.

“What? It's just my eye.”

“Yeah but your eyes are that perfect shade of brown that can do all sorts of things. I remember at the party right before you kissed me, the kitchen light reflected in them and they turned into a warm honey color and it was...um...nice. Sorry…” Her excitement seemed to die down and she handed my phone back to me. “I kinda made it weird…”

My palms were started to sweat again and i couldn't quite figure out how to respond. No one had ever talked about me or any of my features in that manner. I could say the same about her but currently my throat was turning into a knot. I pulled away from her and tossed my phone on my desk trying to focus on anything else. She padded over to my bed and sat down, keeping her distance and vow of silence. The only thing that interrupted it was the loud growl from her stomach. I couldn’t help but stifle a laugh. “I take it you’re hungry?”

“Well...It may have been like...6 hours since I actually ate at work.”

“Eri. Seriously?”

“Look, I had to start getting ready for the party. It takes me an hour and a half to look like this!” She circled her hand around her face that (though a little messed up now) had makeup caked on that made her look like some alternative Instagram model.

“Oh my god. Ok, can I interest you in a carpet picnic of-” I thought to what I had in my fridge. “A bunch of pizza rolls and french fries, a half bottle of bottom shelf whiskey, and some cigarettes that you entirely loathe but will smoke anyway?”

“Oh Johnny!” She giggled jokingly. “How utterly romantic. You know a way directly to my heart.”

I shrugged. “What can I say, i’m a charmer. I’m gonna put the pizza rolls in.”

“Uh, should I just stay in here?”

I shrugged. “Do whatever you want, babe.” I headed towards the kitchen and grabbed the giant bag of pizza rolls and fries from the freezer. I pulled a mostly clean baking sheet from the oven and dumped the food on it. I tried to remember when I even kept the shitty whiskey. I checked the fridge and thankfully it was way in the back behind some old chinese cartons and milk. I pulled it out and set it on the counter, finding some leftover plastic shot glasses I normally used for parties. Just as i was setting the food in the oven she joined me in the kitchen, hopping onto the counter and opening the whiskey.

She poured out two shots and held it out to me. “You need it.”

“I need to become an alcoholic to deal with all the shit im going through.” I chuckled. We held up the glasses up in a silent toast before tossing them back. She instantly poured us another one.

“Don't become an alcoholic. I'm already the alcoholic in this relationship. You're the delinquent drug user and nymphomaniac.”

“Excuse me. I am not a nympho. I can go without sex.”

“Wanna bet?” She smirked and tossed back another shot.

“No. I know i'd lose.”

“I know, that's why i want to. Since i'll win i can ask you to do a favor for me.”

“Oh no.” I protested already seeing that devilish look in her eye. “I don't trust you.”

“C'mooonnn. Dont be a chicken. I won't make it so bad. Let's see if you can last until tomorrow. I'll make it easy.” She propositioned.

“Fine. I can do until tomorrow.” I drank my shot and set it down on the counter, rubbing my chest at the after burn.

Suddenly, Eri was caressing my face, guiding me towards her for a gentle kiss. “In all seriousness i'm glad you're okay after everything. Physically, i mean. I'm sure you're still working on the mentally.”

“I'll be fine, Eri. One day at a time, yeah?”

She nodded and hummed a little in agreement. My lips hovered over hers for a moment, hesitating before giving in. I wrapped my hand around hers, pulling it away from my face to entwine our fingers together. Our kiss was much more slower than before, so that way she wouldn't complain about me hurting her sore lip. Between our tongues tangling I could hear the soft moan of my name. I pulled away just a bit. “Hmm?”

“I could kiss you for hours.” She confessed, adding a gentle squeeze to my hand. I nodded against her, my breath speeding up as my heart thundered.

“That's for damn sure. You're always driving me crazy with those lips of yours.”

“I could say the same about you.” She sealed her statement with another kiss, driving us into another session unaffected by time and boredom. That was until i smelled the beginnings of something burning.

“Fuck!” I pulled away from her quickly and rushed to grab a pot holder. I opened the oven door and saw that the pizza rolls were getting a bit too brown but I was able to save them before they were little charcoal blocks. I took the whole pan out and set it on top of the stove to let it cool. 

“Good job, chef.” Eri chuckled as she poked at me with her foot.

“Well, if I hadn't been distracted then maybe I could've taken them out in time.” I swatted at her foot gently, scrunching away when she continued her playful pokes. “I'm gonna beat your little ass.” I joked.

She jumped down from the counter and over my shoulder I could see her walking towards the couch. “Ooh, spank me, Daddy.” I could tell she was joking but the coy little look on her face told me she was still testing those forbidden awkward waters. I shook my head; this chick was ridiculous and I loved it. I grabbed some plates for us and loaded them up, tucking the bottle of whiskey under my arm as i balanced everything. I set the plates down on the coffee table and plopped down beside her in front of the couch.

“Wanna watch something?” I suggested.

She nodded. “Put a scary movie on or a serial killer documentary. It helps me fall asleep.” She ended her sentence with a yawn.

“You fall asleep to the sound of people getting murdered?”

“Yeah, doesn't everyone?” She laughed. “I’m just used to the sounds and the documentaries are soft spoken. It's nice background sounds.”

“Alright, weirdo.” I complied with her request, searching through my netflix for something she deemed interesting enough. We eventually settled on Friday the 13th and fell into a rhythm of eating, laughing at the terrible acting, and Eri telling me her favorite things about scary movies. It was almost stereotypical but she was absolutely adorable when she got so passionate about describing her favorite type of movie blood, murder weapon, and trope. Occasionally she would feed me a pizza roll or french fry and laugh when it was too hot and burned my tongue. Spending time like this, just hanging out without any craziness, parties, or people around us was amazing. She was becoming more than just a pretty face and a sex god. She was actually showing her personality. It was my turn to say that she was showing her humanity.

When the food was done and whiskey gone i realized that we were cuddled up together in front of the couch. I had gotten a blanket from my room to make sure she was warm enough and changed into some temporary pjs. Her eyelids were getting heavier and she was on the verge of completely passing out. “Eri, baby, you want to go to my bed?”

She perked her head up, sleepily. “No, no. We're watching the movie.”

“It's almost done.”

“Hmm, stay here.” She tugged on my shirt, keeping me close. I sighed and complied, even though my ass was starting to get sore from sitting on the floor all this time. I kissed the top of her head before sinking down so i could rest my head in her lap. It gave my back a break and my tailbone some room to breathe. Her fingers combed through my hair, pushing it back and scratching at my scalp every once in awhile. That in of itself was like a lullaby to me. I felt my eyes getting heavy and heard the soft hums of a song i half recognized. I set her other hand on my stomach, letting her fingers crawl underneath my tank top to rub at the skin there. This was amazing. Everything felt so warm and perfect and I thought I could finally sleep in peace.

But I was fucking wrong.

I don't know how long it took for me to slip into a panic. Flashes of Rixi and my past mistakes were dancing behind my fluttering eyelids and I tried to push them away. My breath was gone. All i could do was let out a harsh rasp as if something was choking the life out of me. My heart felt like it was going to explode any moment. The damn void surrounded me and swallowed me up, replaying my internal screams until i felt my body shake hard.

“Hey, hey! Johnny, baby, look at me. Are you ok?”

My eyes flew open and I shot up, trying to suck in air with heavy gasps. I felt sweat pouring down the sides of my face. I was trembling and couldn't control it. It finally clicked that I was at home and had been for a few hours. Eri was still beside me, complete fear staining her face. Her silhouette was surrounded by the light of the tv in an almost angelic halo. My heart continued to storm throughout my entire system and made my ears thunder. My breath still couldn't catch up with the rest of my body and it was a battle to try and focus on getting a single inhale. I could see her mouth moving but the words weren't registering. I tried clutching at her, screaming for her to help pull me out, but my limbs were dead and it felt like she was still out of my grasp no matter if I tried or not.

“Johnny! Look at me! I need you to focus!” I heard her snap her fingers as she turned my head towards her. Her voice was finally hitting my ear drums and I blinked a few times as I came out of my confused stupor. She set one of my hands over her heart. “Do you feel the way I’m breathing? I need you to do that with me right now.”

I looked down at my hand then back up at her, still unable to speak. Beneath my fingers her heart was beating a little fast but her breaths were much more steady than my own. She inhaled, holding it for a moment before letting it go. “With me Johnny, come on. In and out.” She repeated her steady breaths and I inhaled with her. A sharp pain swam through my chest but I forced myself through it to exhale. In and out, in and out, over and over until the weight lifted off my ribs. God, i wanted to cry. This one was so much worse then the ones i had nights before. It scared me shitless. I pulled away from Eri and tried to stand up. “Hey, take it easy. Relax for a second.” She said, grabbing a hold of my arm to keep me down beside her.

“Let me go.” I said, more sternly than I should have. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do or how to calm down. I shook off her grip on me and went to my room, spending my time pacing like a mad man. Eventually she made her way over to the doorway, waiting for me to acknowledge her.

“Johnny…” She said softly. I shook my head, not knowing what for. Did I need space? Did I want space from her? I shook out my hands nervously, continuing my pacing. She took a tentative step towards me and tried reaching out. “Hey, I can help you through this you know.”

“You don’t-” I took another breath. “You don’t know how this feels.” My voice was a shaky mess.

“Hah,” she scoffed. “Good assumption. Trust me. I’ve had panic attacks where I went unconscious and barely remember what happened. I know what it’s like to go through something as serious as this. But you’ve got too much going on in your body right now. If you don’t take a second to stop you are literally going to make things worse.”

“I know how my fuckin’ body reacts, okay?!” I yelled. She nodded solemnly and kept quiet. I was lashing out just because I never wanted anyone to see me have a night terror. I wasn’t ready for that level of vulnerability yet, especially not with my fuck buddy that I thought about constantly and wanted to save me from myself. It was layer after layer of toxic thoughts but I just couldn’t help it. I wanted to kick her out but at the same time I wanted her to stay. I wanted her against me, i wanted her voice to keep guiding me through this. I wanted to be inside her. I wanted to drink. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to be a destructive force and I had to stop. Please, I need it to stop. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know, I know. Is it okay if I touch you or are you still hypersensitive?”

“Ye-yeah, it’s ok. I was just-”

“Confused, I know.” She stepped closer and grabbed onto me, gently pushing me towards the bed. I sat on the edge, my leg bouncing furiously. She took my face in her hands and guided me to look in her eyes. “I’m right here. I’m staying right here. Do you know what you need?”

“Can you get the weed out my drawer?”

“I don’t think that may be best right now.” She said.

“I literally smoke it for anxiety.”

“Yeah but...no offense- actually kind of full offense- you’re broke. You don’t get good stuff or medicinal quality shit. It’s honestly just a coping mechanism like your regular cigarettes are at this point. If you smoke enough you could probably trip but i feel like it’s going to fuck up your system. We can lay down together instead.”

“No. I’ll just get it myself.” I stood up, still unable to stay in one place for long, but she kept her small frame in front of me in hopes of blocking my every move. “Eri, move.”

“Johnny, please just hear me out-”

“Move!”

She set the sweater sleeves over her face, hiding from me completely. She finally stepped away and I could hear her small sniffles. Guilt was riddling my stomach as I went to my drawer and got out the cigarette case that held all my blunts. I lit one up, taking in a deep exhale and holding it in until it burned. “I hate seeing you like this…” She whispered.

“Yeah, well I fuckin’ hate being like this, but here we are. You can leave if you want to. Nothing’s keeping you here, especially if you don’t like what I’m doing.”

“I don’t...you need someone. I’m okay with being that someone.”

“I don’t need anyone.”

“That’s the problem in the first place Johnny. You’re closing yourself off. You have moments when you let people in but not enough for anyone to truly help you.”

“Maybe I don’t want help.” I lied.

“You do. I know you do. I know I can’t break that wall down in a day but you can trust me to be right here.”

I took another hit and kept my back towards her. We stayed in silence for a bit more while I mulled over her words. I knew what she was doing was exactly what I needed, but my defense mechanism to block out everyone was in overdrive. She was never supposed to see me this weak. No one was. I rested my elbows on top of my dressed and cradled my head in my hands. I could feel a tension headache surmounting in the back of my skull making my head pound. The shaking in my hands continued even as I puffed away. When one was done, I lit another without a moment in between, stuffing my almost full ashtray even more. Soon enough I felt her fingers grace my shoulders. The way she looked at me had me hating myself. “I don’t know what I want Eri.” My voice cracked and I took a smaller hit, trying to push back the tears that were threatening to fall.

She stood on her tiptoes, slowly moving her hands up my chest until they wrapped around my neck. I set the blunt in the ashtray and turned towards her fully setting my hands underneath her ass to pull her against me more. She kissed me then, drawn out and cautious, letting the reminder of smoke i held in flow into her mouth. Her tongue drew mines out, sucking on it deeply as her fingers danced at the nape of my neck. “This isn't good for you either.” She gasped in between the few moments of our lips parting.

“What do you mean?”

“Me.”

“You are. You're good. Too damn good for me.” I pressed my forehead against hers and begged for another kiss. She kept herself at bay, shaking her head as she moved to cup my neck.

“We shouldn't do this. It's not healthy.”

“Coming from someone who drinks and parties her problems away, i don't think either of us are fuckin’ healthy right now.”

“I try not to…” She whimpered and I realized it might have stung more than I intended. “But that's why I said I understand everything. We go through the same shit. We know when things are wrong but-”

“We keep doing them. Every time, i come back to you.”

“Yeah…” Her hand caressed my face now, her eyes flowing up towards mine to reflect every ounce of hurt I felt. “Why is fucking our solution to everything?”

I closed my eyes and grabbed a firm hold of her ass to pull her up around my waist. She wrapped her bare legs around me, squeezing me to the warmth between her thighs. I swallowed hard. “Because, nothing feels better than drowning in someone rather than dealing with pain and heartache.”

“I just want to help. I just want to make you feel better, John…” She buried her face in my neck, gripping onto me like she was going to lose me then and I led her to my bed, laying her down gently. “I don't know how else to do it, Johnny. Tell me.”

“You. Give me you.” I exhaled and pressed myself harder against her, keeping her legs wrapped around me tight. I got lost in her lips again while my hands grabbed and caressed everything I could. Her chest filled up my palm and I kneaded her breast with everlasting attention. Her tiny and barely audible moans coated my tongue as she sucked it into her mouth. My brows furrowed and i ground my hips into her center letting her know that it was exactly what I wanted. Though she looked so perfect in my hoodie I needed it off her. I reluctantly left her breast and slid my hand under the fabric, shoving it towards her shoulders. She wiggled her arms free before pulling me back down to her again. My lips covered her neck this time, flowing over the imprint I had left behind earlier.

Meanwhile, she was exploring the expanse of my back, her hands creeping lower until she grabbed my ass. The thin fabric between wasn't enough to keep her warmth or wetness away from me. If anything it drew me in more, as if i was under a spell and needed to feel how i felt just hours before. My body tensed in anticipation and i could feel myself stirring again with renewed vigor. “Let me take care of you, yeah?” She ran her fingers through my hair again, her voice a sweet invitation to pleasure. I nodded eagerly, ready to feel any and every inch of her skin against mine. She gripped my hair and used the force in her thighs to push me down on the bed, switching our positions so she was on top. I sucked in a breath, biting my lip  as I watched every move she made. My hands moved on their own accord, sliding over her thighs and grabbing a hold of the waistband of her panties. I gave her a little tug, making her fall forwards onto my chest. She planted her hand beside my head, steadying herself a bit. “You need to let me do this for you.”

“I'm letting you.” I whispered, truly believing that she was in control but she shook her head at me, snubbing me as a liar.

“No, you're not. Relax, Johnny. Don't you think i know how to treat my man?” My eyes widened at her words and my body stiffened as her lips trailed a fiery path down my throat towards my chest. I was trying to form a response but my brain faded as soon as I felt her nails drag down my ribs and her tongue flash over my nipple. I couldn’t help the curses I whispered or the fact that my hand gripped the back of her head, planting her there. The way her tongue and teeth ran over that sensitive area had me throbbing and arching towards her body. Her nails eased down from my ribs over to my stomach until they reached my pants. She pulled away from me and shuffled herself off the bed to pull them off. I lifted my hips to help her and tossed away my tank top, feeling a bit more free and less suffocated.

“What about those?” I motioned towards the simple black thong she had on. I wanted to see her again, especially as I thrusted inside her.

She shook her head. “Be patient.” She pressed herself onto her knees and spread my thighs a bit wider. I shuffled up more on the bed giving her a bit more room to comfortably stay between my legs and suck me down. My head rested back against my pillow as her lips sealed around my cock, sliding down my shaft and covering my veins in her tongue. She was driving strangled pants out of me already and I couldn't help but dig my hand into her curls again. Her hands rubbed my inner thighs, spreading warmth over them before maneuvering down to cup my balls. Her thumb rolled over each one, adding pressure every so often as her cheeks started to hollow out around as much as she could handle. I licked my lips and tried to keep as quiet as I could but this was bliss.

She popped off my cock and planted kisses to the underside of my shaft. Her mouth went lower and her tongue traced the same pattern her thumbs had across my balls. One after the other she took them into her warm wet heat and I pulled at her hair hard, wanting to fill her mouth entirely. She whimpered, the small timbre making me shudder and ease out her name within a groan. “Fuck...Eri…”

I wasn't even looking down at her but I could feel those dark eyes on me, watching my every breath and tense of my muscles. My hips could only try and press up towards her lips though she denied that satisfaction. She moved even lower, kissing and adding heated kitten licks to the sensitive area behind my balls. My body shot up, my legs tensing completely. She looked up at me innocently enough, her ass poised in the air and lips glistening. “Relax, it feels good. Trust me.”

“What is it?” I swallowed thickly.

She smirked and almost giggled. “Don’t worry.” She set her hand on my chest and pushed me back down onto the mattress while her other fingers danced across that sensitive patch of skin she had discovered. My thighs almost bucked closed but she made sure she could keep them open. She kept her place between them, taking me in her mouth again. The combination of her teasing and deep sucks made me cover my mouth to shield any loud moans from escaping. My other hand left her hair to clutch at the sheets beside me, trembling as I fisted them tight. Her tongue slid over my slit, dipping in and drawing out the bit of pre cum already leaking. I felt a throb straight through my length. It made my toes curl and my back arch a bit. I could feel my orgasm approaching and I didn’t want it to end just yet.

“Eri!”

She jumped up, licking her lips and looking at me wide eyed. “W-what?”

“N-not...um, not yet.”

She smiled and crawled her way up to my face. “Don’t worry, you’ll be inside me when you do.”

“F-fuck…” I shuddered at her words and kissed her hard, letting her wrap her delicate fingers around me and give a few pulls to my already heated and sensitive cock. I set my hand on her ass, grabbing a hold of her stupid panties and tearing at them. “N-need...now.”

She wiggled out of them, kicking them off her ankle before beckoning me on top of her. Her wish was my command and soon enough I was looking down at her as her lip stayed trapped between her teeth and she guided me in. “Slow,” She whispered. “I’m still a bit sore from earlier.”

I nodded and sunk into her heated depths. I loved the way she wrapped around me, suffocated me, letting me go as deep as I could. I set my head beside hers on the pillow, adding small kisses to her shoulder and collar bone. I heard her wince as I started my first thrust, making me stop. “Sssh, daddy’s got you.” Wait, whoa fuck. I pressed my lips together, my body frozen. Shit, i really said that. But Eri didn’t seem at all embarrassed unlike I was. Instead, she wrapped her arms under my own, spreading her fingers across my shoulder blades as she held on. If she wasn’t going to acknowledge it then I would pretend it never happened either.

“Keep going…” She said. “Please…”

This was what she wanted then. She liked what i had said and the fact that I needed her this much. Maybe she needed me as much as I needed her. Maybe we were made for each other. I shook my head and sunk my teeth into her shoulder, her pained whimper filling my ear. I kept my thrusts slow and steady even though i wanted to fuck all these intrusive thoughts away. I didn't have time to think about this. It's just a fuck, Johnny. A fuck you need to put your mind at ease and get back to sleep. It's...it's just a…

My need to tear through her at a fast pace dwindled as i realized how much the gentleness was worth it. I pulled away from her shoulder and looked at her, amazed by how fucking stunning she was. Her full lips were pouted open just enough to let the softest of mewls fill the space between us. Her hair spread across the pillows like a crown of amethyst and her beautifully rich skin glowed with a pink flush. Though her makeup was a mess she still seemed...beautiful. I was thankful her eyes were closed because she wouldn't be able to see the shock on my face. God, my head was swimming and she was devouring me. I was only getting weaker against her and she was everything I wanted.

“It's ok now,” she cooed once she felt my body pause. Her knee slipped from around my waist towards my ribs letting me sink in almost to the hilt. “You can go a little faster.”

“I don't want to hurt you.” I finally said. My voice was trembling.

She shook her head. “It won't now, baby. Trust me. I want to feel you cum.”

“I-inside?”

She buried her face against my shoulder and I could barely make out her whisper. “Just cum, okay?”

I nodded and finally sped up my thrusts getting a bit more relief than when i was going slow and feeling every painstakingly good thing about her. Her sweet little moans were driving me crazy and i kissed her again just to try and keep her quiet. I buried my fingers in her hair, forcing her head to stay close. I was afraid now, more than ever. Sometimes fear was just a reflection of what we truly desired and i was afraid of the love she was giving me. The tenderness, the worry, the support, the protection. It was all I ever wanted and now that I had it i didnt know what to do with it but push it away. The insecure thoughts in my mind reminded me that I wasn't going to be able to escape this feeling. It was solidified when my lips pulled from hers and I could see her head tossed back against the pillows. Her body was arched perfectly against me as if we were molded together. My name was the only thing she could say beside ‘please’ and it brought me closer to finishing. My hand gripped the edge of the mattress and i used the leverage to fuck her harder.

She stretched around me, her nails digging fast tracks into my skin. I knew I was close but I wanted to spend every last moment up until the end inside her. Her muscles were flexing around me making my breath fade into non existence. My body tensed and melted at the same time and i managed to slide away from her warmth. I couldn't help the groan i let out as spurt after spurt painted her inner thighs and heated center. I kept my hold on the mattress so tight I was sure my knuckles were going white. It took a few minutes for me to ground myself and fully relax. I settled my head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat echo in my ears. “You ok?” She whispered.

No. On a lot of levels I was not. Even now that I had worked out some of the anxiety that sent my body into a hyper fit I still wasn't okay. I didn't know how to express that to her exactly especially since part of the reason that I wasn't okay was because i realized all too late that I may feel something deeper for her than I had ever imagined. The sex was supposed to be a cure all but now it just made me want to hide. It was too intimate and real way too fast. Why don't i ever listen to the rational side of my brain?

“Johnny?”

“What?” I grumbled, mad at myself.

She kissed the top of my head and wrapped her hand around mine. “If you can't sleep or don’t want to I’ll stay up with you.”

I sighed and rolled off her, rubbing both my hands across my face. “Nah, it’s chill. Go to sleep. I’ll be fine or whatever.”

“You don’t sound fine.” She said sadly.

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Wow, great. As if anything good ever came from that sentence being uttered between two people.”

“I’m serious, my heads just still all fucked up. Thinking about a lot of shit still.”

“I know I could tell...butttt you seemed pretty eager to fuck me again. Especially now that im covered in your cum.”

I couldn't help but laugh a bit. “I'm always eager to fuck you.” I admitted.

“Well duh. I'm great in the sack.” She cuddled against me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I was kicking myself the entire time but there was a bigger voice saying fuck it. Fuck the complicated ass feelings. If you could be happy for one night, one day, then do it. I deserved it. I'm going back to having fun.

“You didn't cum.” I said suddenly with my newfound realization and motivation.

She kissed my neck this time. “Don't care. It was about you, daddy.”

That damn word again. I hadn't even had a chance to relax and I was getting worked up again. “I care. I want you to feel good too. I was being kind of selfish.”

She shook her head. “I'm telling you, you did exactly what I wanted. I wanted you inside me and I wanted you to cum and feel good.”

“Get on top of me.” I commanded.

“Johnny you seriously-”

“Princess, do you think i'm joking? Get on top of me.”

Her cheeks flared up again and her mouth hung open a little. “I...um...o-okay.” She kept her head low as she crawled back over my hips.

“Fuck yourself on me. Now.”

“You sure? I-i mean, you just came so like...you'll be really sensitive and -Ah!!” I cut off her sentence with a slap to her thigh.

“Do it, Eri. I’m over these fucking feelings eating me up and I’ll be damned if it keeps happening and ruining my time with you-with anyone.”

She let out a cute whimper and lifted her hips up a bit. She guided my still mostly hard cock towards her entrance and sunk down slowly. I hissed harshly, squeezing my eyes shut tight as her body completely overwhelmed my sensitivity. I had never felt anything like this before. She hadn’t even started moving and I already felt like I was going to cum again. I tried to steady my breathing that was building rapidly. It almost felt as intense as my anxiety attack but this was one hell of a way for my body to react. I clawed at her hips, leaving my own marks behind as she began working her ass against me. This was exactly what I needed. My mind was a fucked out mess, only being able to concentrate on how good she felt instead of everything else and my body couldn’t keep up.

We were getting lost in each other and it seemed never ending. A rough grind here, a thrust there, our hands never straying away from one another. Her neck disappeared in my palm and she pressed her thumb against my throat testing the waters of my shaking frame. She was practically saying my new found title like a prayer, over and over as if it was going to tether her to some holy plane. I could barely manage any sounds. My voice was nonexistent though I wanted to scream for her. I wanted her to know that i was losing myself and never wanted to resurface. Her thighs quivered then, her tiny fingers clutching at my neck tighter.

Her moans were becoming rougher and more staggered until she finally came like i wanted. She fell forward onto me, burying her face in my chest as small shivers went throughout her system. It was enough to make my body react, reaching another orgasm that shocked the hell out of me. I had never got off more than once in such a short time frame. It was more intense and a bit longer than before and fuck it felt amazing. I didnt know i was even capable of doing that. “H-holy fuck…” i finally managed to say. “Eri, what the fuck did you do to me?”

She was so deep in my chest that her voice was muffled. “I'm guessing you found out that guys can have multiple orgasms without cumming, huh?”

“Oh my god...since when?”

She snorted. “It takes some practice and getting used to but it's possible. They don't teach you that shit in sex ed.”

I pushed my hair back and wiped at the sweat across my forehead. “Jesus…”

“Welcome to my,” her sentence was interrupted with a yawn. “World.”

I kissed her forehead and set my arms around her shoulder as i tried to process everything that happened between us. “Sleep, ok?”

“‘M sticky…” she mumbled.

Right. Fuck. My body felt like a sack of bricks but i parted from her gently and slowly worked my way to the bathroom, grabbing my towel from the back of my door. The apartment was still quiet and the automatic timer on the tv had shut it off leaving everything is darkness. I didn't even know if Jae had come home. I'd have to check my phone to see if he had texted me at some point. I managed to not trip on anything getting to the bathroom sink and wet the towel. Briefly i looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was sticking up in random places, lipstick smeared on my mouth and neck, and my eyes red. I splashed some water on my face and washed away the lipstick before heading back to my room.

Eri was splayed out in bed, her chest rising and falling gently. I realized she had already fallen asleep. I smiled as I took in her soft features and the way her lips pouted ever so slightly. I didn't want to disturb her so i cleaned her up as best as I could, ridding her of my leftover cum. When i was satisfied with my own cleanup i dove back into bed, setting my arm around her waist. I was afraid of falling back asleep but as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out, faded, satiated, and reminiscing on feelings I shouldn't be having.

--

When I woke up it was already later in the evening. My body was still sore and tired but also starving. My hunger got the best of me and I needed something soon. I rubbed at my eyes, blinking a few times to see that Eri was still being my little spoon. I pressed a kiss between her shoulder blades and sighed contently. I felt...good. Like really good. Like a fog had been lifted from my mind. For the first time in a month i felt like I could breathe easier and was happy to be alive. This was exactly what i needed. I tried sitting up a bit so i could prepare myself to start functioning but I noticed I was trapped inside her.

When the hell did that happen?

I dont remember us fooling around after we passed out, let alone getting hard enough again to stay inside her. Her warmth feel so good, even better when she shifted and backed herself up against me more. A soft sigh fell from her lips and I wondered if I should finish whatever the hell I had started. No. If i did she would keep me in this bed all damn day and I'd never get anything done. Slowly, I parted from her, biting my lip at the heated wetness that coated my cock still. I could grab a quick shower and take care of it then. I left her in bed and went about getting a shower (and jerk off session) in, scrubbing away a day and a half's worth of sweat and sex. I got on a fresh pair of pj pants and popped in my airpods, putting on my spotify list and heading to the kitchen.

There was about a half dozen texts from Jae and the group chat had blown up with about 50 messages, mostly from Yuta. Afterall he was there right in the thick of it and apparently was arguing with T.Y. for kicking Eri out. I didn't want to think about that now and only answered Jae letting him know that I was at the apartment. I worked through the fridge, getting what wasn't spoiled and remotely related to breakfast food out to start cooking. The music hit me as i was beating some eggs and i started dancing and singing along. I was enjoying it way too much and it was the best feeling ever.

In the middle of turning my omelet over I felt hands slide over my hip bones, resting beneath the band of my pajamas pants. Looking over my shoulder i could see Eri pressed into my back nuzzling against my skin. I set my omelet on a plate and popped out an airpod. I turned around and grabbed her waist, keeping her against me. She smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck making us press our forehead together. I was still grooving to the music, making her sway with me as she giggled. “What’s gotten into you this morning-afternoon-thing?”

“Don’t know,” I hummed a bit. “Just don’t feel as shitty right now.”

“Ohh, aren’t those less depression days nice? Makes you not feel like dying as much.”

I nodded and closed my eyes, just liking the way she felt against me. “Oh baby, maybe it's that look in your eyes. They been telling me she wanna leave. She's been dancing with the devil all night. it's like Hell is where she wanna be…” My own little concert was cut short when i felt her hit my chest hard. “Ouch, what the hell?!”

“You never told me you could sing you-you-stupid hot bastard!” She exclaimed.

“Oh...I’m more than just a dick you know.”

“EXCUSE?! You of all people saying that! I should hit you again!”

“Please don’t.”

“Oh, fuck...oh my god. I didn’t mean-”

“I know.” I shrugged. “But I was joking, mostly. Just kinda feeling the song you know? Been listening to it on repeat and I finally feel good about music again.” I said.

“Will you sing for me some more?”

“Only if you’ll sing for me.”

“Well,” She laughed. “If you want me to scream in your face I will most certainly do that. But that’s all you get from me.”

“Oh right, your emo-screamo-twig bands. Serenade me with your lyrics about death and stabbing and going against the man.”

“As long as you serenade me about taking drugs and fucking girls because ‘i’m into it’.”

I leaned back against the counter, smirking a bit. “You listen to them too?”

“I listen to a lot of things.” She stood on her tiptoes and gave me a kiss. “I’m more than just a dick you know.”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “You’re fucking weird.” I grabbed her ass that I loved so much and pulled her up for a deeper kiss. She wasted no time sliding my tongue past my teeth and I could taste the fresh mintiness of my mouthwash on her. I slid my hands up my hoodie she had put on again, exposing her ass completely and about ready to fuck her on the counter, food forgotten. That was until i heard a throat clear behind us.

Eri and I separated and adjusted ourselves before turning around to see Quinn standing in the kitchen. “Well sorry to interrupt you guys tongue fucking each other's mouths but now that you're up I can finally give Eri their phone.”

“My-? Fuck, i didn't even notice! Where was it?” Eri said.

“You left it in Taeyong's bathroom. After the kinda fight thing happened and you left, Jae and I were worried about where you and Johnny might have gone off too. I luckily found it when i was trying to call you.” She handed it over to Eri. “We got to and realized that you  the apartment around 3 am and realized you guys were here because of all the ‘oh daddy’, ‘daddy, yes! Please!’ getting screamed.”

Eri and I both stood up straighter, our faces crimson and heated. “I-i...i dont know what you're talking about!” Eri tried to lie.

“Don't bother trying to cover it up. You're getting louder, Eri.”

Eri hit Quinn with the fabric of the hoodie sleeve, making Quinn laugh amidst her incessant teasing. I didn't realize that we could be heard fucking. It wasn't something i was really used to with Eri. I could handle people hearing us moan but definitely not her saying...that. I didn't want people to know about that part of us just yet-or even at all. It was way too private. “I'm gonna kill you, Quinn, I swear it!” Eri exclaimed.

“Don't get so touchy! It was kinda hot listening to you guys.”

“You listened?!” I said. “What the hell, Quinn?!”

She just shrugged. “Ya’ll were being loud! Not like I had a choice! Anyway, Eri, Yuta has been blowing up your phone so you should check in with him. And Mama Doyoung wants to talk to you asap.”

“Fuck.” Eri whispered. “Doyoung is gonna kill me. Shit, I have to call him right now.”

“Why would Doyoung kill you?” I asked.

“It’s...nevermind. I may have to go see him.”

“Oh, also, one more thing.” Quinn started. “Jae and I are going to get boba this week.”

“I love boba!” Eri interrupted.

“I know. That’s why you and Johnny are going on a double date with us.”

“Whoa, wait what?!” I couldn’t help that my voice went up a few levels. “I dont- we are not dating or going out on dates!”

“Uh- huh so anyway, if ya’ll aren’t working Wednesday, we’re going then.”

Eri looked at Quinn then at me. “Uh...um...well...it’s not like a date-date, right? Friends get boba all the time. We get boba with Lucas and Yuta! Those aren’t dates.”

“Ok, whatever you wanna say. We’re going on a double date. So like be ready. I’m gonna go back to bed. I’m too tired.” Quinn gave Eri a kiss that lasted a little bit longer than I preferred. “Let me know how it goes with Doyoung, ok?”

Eri sighed and let Quinn leave, watching as she closed to door to Jae’s room before turning to me. “I’m so sorry. Quinn gets weird when they’re cranky and tired, ignore that. We’re not going on a date.”

I stayed quiet for a moment. “Do you always let Quinn kiss you like that?”

“Uh, what? Well, like...for the most part. Why?”

“Hmm.” My hands gripped tighter around the edge of the counter. Was I actually jealous or was Quinn just annoying me as usual? Eri looked up at me as I spaced out in my thoughts.

“Do you...not like that or something?”

“I mean, you can do whatever you want with your life. Go see Doyoung or whatever too.”

“Johnny, are you jealous?” She asked.

“Why would I be? You got shit to do, it’s fine.”

She cupped my face in her hand and made me look at her even though I didn’t want to.

“I’ll come back if I can, ok? Maybe…” She kissed my neck and trailed the kisses up to my ear. “We can sleep with you inside me again? Like this morning?”

I bit my lip, hating how good that sounded. There was no reason for me to feel all kinds of weird jealousy. I knew I fuckin’ had her in the palm of my hand. “Yeah...yeah, babe. Sounds good.”

She gave me a small bite beneath my jaw. I could feel the mark she was leaving behind already surfacing. I winced for a second before nudging my head away. “I’ll try and be quick okay?”

I just nodded and turned back to my omelet, grabbing a fork to stab into it. Eri went back to my room, probably to gather her discarded halloween outfit. I noticed she was keeping my hoodie on with her skirt and thigh highs instead of all the straps and shit she wore. She didn’t say anything about borrowing it or even about asking to keep it and neither did I. When she got to the door she gave me a little wave and before she left I called out to her.

“Hey, Eri?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll go on that date with you.”

--

Eri’s Pov

I got home and showered so I didn't completely smell like weed, body spray and sex before I went to go see Doyoung. I was so tired and worn out. I felt like my whole damn uterus was about to fall out and i was all kinds of fucked up over Johnny. He was doing shit to me that I never thought was possible. I set my head against the shower wall and sighed, letting the hot water run over me. The scratches he left behind were a little bit deeper than i thought and stung under the spray. I didn't want Doyoung to see any of the marks I had since i was almost 1000% sure he was going to grill me about Johnny. I sighed as i stepped out and dried myself off. I didn't have time to deep condition my hair so it was about to be on the hot mess express and not be ready for work tomorrow. I tied it up in a bun and went to my room to pull on some fresh clothes. I looked over at Johnny's hoodie that remained discarded on my bed and bit my lip as i pulled it close. I hugged it to my chest and nuzzled the hood, taking in the smell of it. It was just like his flannel that day, warm and musky. The cologne was faded and more so smelled like him. It was perfect. Maybe when I went back to see him I would give him the flannel. After I washed it it started smelling like springtime freshness instead of him.

I pulled the hoodie on, realizing I didn't have that much time to spare. I texted Doyoung that I was on my way and left for my car. When i got to his tiny dorm room he yanked me and almost threw me on his bed. “1. What the hell, you haven't talked to me in forever!” I went to reply but he cut me off. “2. What is going on with you, Eri? I'm hearing all this shit about you and I don't even know what's up from down! 3. Did i or did I not say DONT hook up with Johnny?!”

I sighed and flopped on the bed. “Hello to you too, Doyoung.”

“Eri. Start talking.”

I told him almost everything; the hookup at the party, how we have class together, when we fucked in the bathroom, the racist prick at the beach, the bumper car, how gentle Johnny could be and that he had bad things happen to him that he didn't deserve. I didn't go into specifics about Johnny's assault or anxiety attacks; it wasn't my place to do so and I would never betray his trust like that. “He can be an asshole sometimes but he...he has a lot going on.”

“So that justifies his behaviors?”

“Of course not! I'm just saying...he isn't all bad. You cant judge someone for sleeping around when I do the same and you care about me.”

“I know that Eri.” Doyoung sighed and sat beside me. “I worry about you. I heard about a fight at Taeyongs party?”

“It wasn't a fight, but trust me I was ready to take my gauges out and end her. What happened was that this girl, this….monster, she was-” I licked my lips and took a deep breath. “She was just not a good person and I had to help Johnny get away from her.”

“Get away from her? What do you mean?”

“There's things that I can't talk about. They aren't my place to talk about. He trusted me with these things and-and all you need to know is that I would've probably gone to jail for him.”

“Oh my god Eri…”

“What?”

“You're in love with him.”

I shot up from the bed. “KIM DOYOUNG WHAT THE HELL?”

“It makes sense now. The way you guys acted at the beach, when you, unfortunately, described in detail how you guys hooked up, and now you wanting to protect him? And-” he looked at my phone as a notification came in. “Who is Heart-Heart-Big Dick Daddy-Heart-Heart?”

“What?” I looked down and unlocked my phone. When i opened the message it was a picture of Johnny with the edge of my panties between his teeth. The accompanying message was ‘forgot something?😏’. My entire face lit up and i realized Doyoung had seen it to.

“Ya'll are nasty.” He stated flatly.

“I-! It was Quinn! They took my phone because i left it at the party! His name was Johnny in the contacts before!”

“And your underwear in his mouth is-?”

I stood quiet for a moment. “Ok, we know I make bad decisions, it's not rocket science. However, i am not in love with him. I can't. I won't ever be. You know that I can't.”

“Eri, that was literally almost three years ago. It was a mistake but it doesn't automatically prohibit you from ever being capable of falling in love again.”

“It does, Doyoung because I know that I fucked up and i can never take that back. I can't risk hurting anyone again and have it on my conscious. It already haunts me every day.”

“You need to stop letting it eat at you. What happened with Jungwoo could've happened with anyone.”

“Yeah but I picked the sweetest boy in the entire world to hurt. He didn't deserve it. And i don't deserve to have someone like that in my life again.”

Doyoung sighed. “Stop thinking that way. Making a mistake doesn't make you worthless. Besides you need to face the truth if that’s what's going on now. As much as i don't approve of him, you need to come to terms with the fact that you feel something for him. It's written all over your face.”

“It is not! Please stop saying that! It's not true! It's not!” I could feel my heart clench as my breath stuttered in my lungs. The thought of love sent me into a panic. It made me think of how I ran away from it all. The pain, the doubt, the fear. It was hitting me all at once again and attacking me like some sort of monster. I felt Doyoung wrap his arms around me and set my head on his chest. His chin rested on the top of my head.

“Eri, please. It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to close yourself shut. You have love for so many people. You have the biggest heart and are always the first to protect us over anything. You have the ability to love wholeheartedly. Why is that so scary?”

“I'm not worth it...and i know you're going to tell me I am but i'm not. Before Jungwoo, my ex in high school who I spent years together with lied to my face about loving me. She said she never did the whole time we were together, Then i get to college, meet Jungwoo and became no better than her.”

“That's not true. You did love him you just…” he sighed. “I don't know how else to make you see that you deserve to be happy. Do you really care about Johnny?”

I sniffled and nodded my head silently.

“And he trusted you to reveal of whatever happened to him. He let you seem him in a state of vulnerability, right?”

I nodded again.

“Well i'm glad he has some fucking semblance of humanity and isn't just a regular fuck boy.” Doyoung kissed the top of my head. “I want you to know that I'll protect you too, ok? If he ever so much as hurts you then he'll be dead. Also if he does care about you then i don't want you to be afraid anymore. You have to face it some day and it may be sooner than you think.”

I buried my face in his chest as the beginning tears started falling. Fuck, if he wasn't right. I was still running away from things that I hadn't been able to get over. If this went any farther with Johnny would I end up hurting him too? He was the last person that deserved any more hurt. I wanted to see him smile more, dance more, sing more, have fun cooking and goofing off. I wanted us to share thousands of kisses and feel the way his heart beat beneath my fingers when I curled up against him. I wanted to be the one to support him and bring that smile to his face. I couldn't cure his depression or anxiety but I wanted to be maybe the tiniest glimmer of hope he had in knowing that he wasn't alone. We were two imperfect asteroids and when we collided sparks flew within our little galaxy and made waves of colors that represented our feelings for one another. What feelings were we even having anyway? Was it all one sided? That was another fear I couldn't face just yet. What if all this time, as i was tearing my wall down to let him in, he never felt anything at all for me. I could still probably be some hook up to him, something meaningless and unworthy as usual.

I couldn't help that I was crying harder and Doyoung didn't question any of it. He let me have my time knowing that this ate me alive and destroyed me. It was my biggest weakness and regret all compiled into one and spread like weeds to anything new I tried to let into my life. Worst of all, in the pit of my heart I knew that he was absolutely right. I was falling in love with Johnny.

[enchantedamusedslightlyconfused]

73 questions.

I was tagged by @wescoasts @machine-gun-casie (BABES)

Almost all my friends have been tagged and I don't wanna be that asshole so ill try not to be. I tag @awkwardrocker @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @trixiehoe @she-who-is-timey-wimey

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

Well it’s finals week so about -864. After that I have two weeks of legitimate nothing where I will bake my heart out so we’ll see

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

#yikes #ughshesinherfeelsagain 

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

Milo Ventimiglia, Kells, Rook.....being a music video love interest is only my life’s pipe dream 

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

And that’s on daddy issues and no supervision...

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

I used to model like went to modeling school and got paid for it type shit

What’s your wakeup ritual?

get woken up by my dog tired of hearing my alarm, walk said opinionated quadruped, feed quadruped, get dressed, COFFEE, then take life as it comes

What’s your go to bed ritual?

melatonin gummies (gotta make anxiety fun), skincare when executive dysfunction will allow, brush teeth, fight dog for my spot in bed (moving a 90lb animal is no joke), turn on my sleep playlist or use my ambient noise app, stare at ceiling

What’s your favorite time of day?

witching hour followed by golden hour

Your go to for having a good laugh?

lately tiktok and Kellyvisions, previously vine compilations or Netflix specials

Dream country to visit?

Ireland. I NEED to go to the motherland. My families castle is still standing and I get in for free. its on my bucket list FOR SURE. 

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

getting into nursing school and chiropractic school. I’m a loser and I’ve never had a surprise party. I’d melt in puddle of love tbh

Heels or flats/sneakers?

Flats 98% of the time. Heels are reserved for business casual necessity, Halloween, or if I’m feeling myself 

Vintage or new?

both, depends on the item

Who do you want to write your obituary?

Amy-Sherman Palladino 

Style icon?

lmao a what? on the real though catch me fucking with those eco-friendly kitchen witch vibes. All the dainty jewelry, linens and converse/docks fam

What are three things you can’t live without?

my dog, my family (found and blood), healing people however I can (medicine ruined me for any other career and its sucks you guys)

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

tbh salt, I question a recipes validity if salt isn't involved 

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

Kells and the band (I'd be too nervous for a one on one), a dinner party with my MGK fam, Elvis

What’s your biggest fear in life?

Failure, not accomplishing anything 

Window or aisle seat?

window all day everyday, on the wing preferably cause I like to feel the landing gear #pilotsgranddaughter 

What’s your current TV obsession?

Roadies forever, pry that series from my cold dead hands (also Gilmore Girls and Criminal Minds)

Favorite app?

tie between Tumblr and Pinterest (im an aesthetic slut)

Secret talent?

I am bomb at disney princess songs, the girls I babysit for treat me like a jukebox at bedtime, cutest thing ever

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

delivered a baby has hands down been the coolest thing I’ve ever done

How would you define yourself in three words?

I fucking hate this question. always have. empathetic, resilient, intuitive 

Favourite piece of clothing you own?

overall: my senior prom dress. its emerald green, backless, with a slit to upper thigh chefs kiss 

everyday wear: Colorado sweatshirt

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

I second Jude: over sized hoodies

Superpower you would want?

nonspecific healing powers so they aren't limited to physical ailments

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

Colson

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

HA. probably that the body remembers more about trauma than the mind and your seemingly irrational physical reactions to things are your brain’s attempt to protect you

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

his mistake does not define your worth. I went for a variant of these boys aint shit don't judge me cause she needs to hear it

A book that everyone should read?

Harry Potter series (yes the whole thing), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, The Giver by Lois Lowry 

What would you like to be remembered for?

empathy, the way I made people feel

How do you define beauty?

FOR THE LAST TIME ITS SUBJECTIVE, things that give you peace, it could be a song, a person, a sunset, a scone, a leaf. If it makes you stop a second and exhale then its beautiful to you

What do you love most about your body?

holy trigger question Batman...my eyes, my hair color, texture, and its ability to grow

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

drive with the windows down and blast music while singing at the top of my lungs

Favorite place to view art?

unexpected places, like street corners, carnivals, just somewhere it takes you off guard and makes you stop and pay attention

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

it’d be one of those crazy long 2000s fall out boy titles for sure, subject matter yet to be determined 

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

violin hands down, it hits me different

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

I have a bunch planned, plane on my right shoulder, Kells related between 3rd and 4th ribs (maybe lower in case I ever need a chest tube), watercolor portrait of my dog at some point location TBD

Dolphins or koalas?

dolphins are stoners and they're super smart, but koalas cause they’re grumpy af and honestly same

What’s your spirit animal?

again Jude and I are vibin: I've been identifying with a phoenix as of late. according to pottermore im a greyhound though (yes a patrons is a wizarding spirit animal. fight me)

Best gift you’ve ever received?

seven year old me was stoked to get a functional microscope and metal detector, I was in my egyptology/archeology phase, I still have them lmao

Best gift you’ve ever given?

oh hell idk...I made my cousin cry once cause I made cupcakes for her birthday party, they were cherry limeade flavored and had little straws and everything. that was pretty cool, granted she was seven. I also made my teacher cry cause I made sea salt caramel chocolate cupcakes for her going away party. I guess my baking brings people to tears

What’s your favourite board game?

candy land, battleship, cards against humanity even though there isn't a board

What’s your favourite colour?

forest green atm

Least favourite colour?

bright yellow/orange, its offensive to my general The Dirt Mick Mars disposition

Diamonds or pearls?

pearls (actually opals though)

Drugstore makeup or designer?

not picky provided they are evironmentally friendly. I really like Besame Cosmetics though

Blow-dry or air-dry?

air-dry, I don't have the patience for blow drying

Pilates or yoga?

yoga

Coffee or tea?

COFFEE, im still learning to like tea

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

holy shit how much time do we have, my favorite weird word to say is fistula or omphalocele (they're medical conditions, don't goole it unless you have a strong stomach) 

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

dark chocolate

Stairs or elevator?

stairs 

Summer or winter?

neither FALL BITCHES   winter if I had to pick cause I love Christmas 

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

burgers

A desert you don’t like?

red velvet cake....just why is it a thing that exists 

A skill you’re working on mastering?

baking scones or shit that’s flaky in general 

Best thing to happen to you today?

being tagged to do this twice, I felt special for a hot second (thanks babes)

Best compliment you’ve ever received?

that I would make a good doctor (I handled a scary pt situation like a champ, they didn't know I threw up after I made sure my pt didn't die. puking in a foreign country on the download is a skill in and of itself)

Favorite smell?

bergamot, baking bread, baking spice cakes at Christmas

Hugs or kisses?

HUGS CAN SAVE THE WORLD

If you made a documentary, what would it be about?

gifted kid fall off

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

In These Walls - Machine Gun Kelly

Casual Sabotage - Yungblud

genius assholes...

Lipstick or lip gloss?

lipstick for special occasions but actually tinted chapstick or lip stains 

Sweet or savoury?

savory to eat sweet to make for someone else

Girl crush?

Brittney Furlan Lee, Alexis Bledel, Lauren Graham 

How you know you’re in love?

you look at them and just say yep. them. usually while they're doing something stupid 

Song you can listen to on repeat?

imma out myself but Swing Life Away - Machine Gun Kelly

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

the grass is not greener ya’ll. id rather go back and relive days 

What are you most excited about at this time in your life?

hopefully passing my first trimester of chiropractic school. fingers crossed pls

[boeswhore]

need you now → j.hughes

a/n: this one is a song imagine:)

song: need you now by lady

warnings: crying jack and curse words

Reaching for the phone 'cause, I can't fight it anymore

it’s been a week since i had spoken to y/n. i fucked up. i fucked it big time. all the pressure and stress from my career came in the way and ruined a healthy relationship i had.

flashback

“y/n, im sorry but i can’t do this anymore.” i day and she looks at me in disbelief. “w-what do you mean?” she stutters and i see the look on her face immediately fall. “this relationship, it’s getting in my career y/n, i can’t keep myself tied up in this. i have a hockey future to look up too.”

“so you’re breaking up with me?” “y/n-“ i sigh and she shakes her head. “no, it’s okay. i understand your career matters more to you jack, i don’t want to come in between that. i wish you all the best.” she whispers, wiping away at her tears and making her way out the front door and straight out of my life.

*end of flashback*

i missed her. that was no lie. and yes i still love her, i never stopped. i fiddle with my phone that’s in my hand staring down at her contact, debating on weather i should call her or not. i feel a hand on my shoulder and i look up to see cole staring at me with a sad smile.

“you can try calling, but i doubt she wants to talk to you jack. you broke her heart and now you think it’s okay to barge back in.” he says and i let out a frustrated sigh, running my fingers through my hair.

“i think i know that cole.” i mumble and he nods before walking out the room, closing the door shut behind him. he’s right.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

i sit on the lawn chair outside quietly, while the boys chill inside playing their video games. i couldn’t focus. the only thing on my mind was y/n. just the look on her face when i said i was breaking up with her. i had never seen her so vulnerable and lost.

“this is all your fault” i mumble to myself angrily. the sliding door open and i see mom walk over to me. “sweetie, what are you doing here? it’s freezing!” she exclaims and i shrug my shoulders. she takes a seat next to me and turns my body to face her.

“i miss her mom.” i whisper, letting the tears slip out and she nods pulling me into a hug. “i know baby, and she misses you too. there’s no way she has gotten over this relationship that fast.” she reassures me, brushing her fingers through my hair. “she probably doesn’t even wanna see my face anymore. im over here thinking about her like crazy and i definitely don’t even cross her mind one bit. i mean why would i? i ruined everything mom.” i mumble.

she wipes away at my tears. “no you didn’t sweetheart. yes, you made a mistake but we can fix this alright?” mom says and i nod my head. mom was upset she clearly was. in fact when i first told mom about it, she cried. she loved y/n so much.

now, all i hope is what mom says will work out.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door

Wishing you'd come sweepin' in the way you did before

i feel a hand brush on my shoulder. “y/n im so sorry.” i mumble looking up to see quinn instead. “jack i think you had enough.” quinn says, pulling the the bottle out of my hand. “give it back.” i slur and he shakes his head at me. “look at you jack, you’re a fucking mess.” quinn starts and i roll my eyes.

“i have to be honest with you jack but you can’t just sit here sulking about it. you broke her heart and now you are crying about it because you love her. the person to blame is you because you didn’t think it out straight. you just jumped towards it. and what did that do? fuck up your relationship with the most caring girl ever.” quinn spits walking out the door.

i sit there, taking in quinns words. he wasn’t even wrong so i couldn’t even blame him for being wrong. everything felt wrong. this is when i needed y/n the most. she would always sweeping in to help me feel better but this time im the one that pushed her away.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk, and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

i click the call button and wait impatiently as it rings. “hello..” she whispers and i feel my heart start to beat faster. “y/n, im so sorry please talk to me.” i slur and i hear the line on the other end go quiet. “jack, are you drunk?” she questions. “no, no im not.” i mumble and she sighs. “yes you are jack.”

“forget that, i need you y/n, im so fucking sorry. i said i wouldn’t call you and break off every way of contact but i can’t.” i stumble. “you don’t mean it jack. you are drunk. where’s quinn?” y/n says and i shake my head, even though she can’t see me.

“please just get some rest. you don’t know what you’re saying right now.” she whispers but before i could say something she cuts me off. “i have to go. goodbye jack.” she says before quickly hanging up and i let out a frustrated growl slamming my phone on the table and then letting the tears slip down.

And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now

I just need you now

this is a mistake but i can’t do this without her. i turn towards her street and pull up in front of her house. i slowly make my way to the door, debating on weather i should knock or not.

i raise my hand, and then knock on the door gently. the door opens and there she was. she looked horrible. her hair was all messy, eyes red and puffy. her eyes widen when she sees me and she shuts the door but i place my foot down and stop her from closing it.

“y/n please, please can i talk to you? i ask, desperately and she hesitates before opening her door fully and letting me in. we take a seat on the couch and she sits across from me on the other couch.

“there’s nothing to say jack.” she croaks and i look up. “yes there is, y/n im so sorry. i didn’t know what i was fucking thinking. my stupid mistake almost made me lose the most important thing to me ever and i don’t know how to even apologize to you. it was just so much stress and it all bubbled out in the wrong way.”

“jack i-“

“no y/n i can’t imagine my life without you. please take me back i love you so much. i need you now. i need you to tell me ill be okay and that ill get through this. i need our late night calls and texts and cuddles all back. most importantly i need you back y/n.” i confess, tears streaming down my face at this point.

she gets up and runs over to me, throwing herself on me. i stumble back but catch her, hoisting her up by the waist. “i love you.” she cries and i wrap my arms around her waist tightly as she tightens her grip. “i love you more.” i whisper.

“i thought i lost you jack.” she sobs and i shake my head. “no, no baby you’ll never lose me. i can’t lose you. you mean so much to me, please don’t cry im so sorry.” i say running my fingers through her hair. her sobs subside and i pull her into a searing kiss, pulling away i rest my forehead against hers.

“i need you baby, i always will.”

[ninaahelvar]

The Stakeout (4/5)

Summary: In order to get all the information they can, the detective duo, Bakugou and Uraraka, must go on a stakeout. But close proximity may force some underlying feelings to come to the surface. Also known as “Bakugou had a really bad date and it gives him perspective”

AO3

A/N: please thank @doesitsaysassonmyuniform for all her hard work on this chapter. it wouldn’t be out without her. all the funny stuff was her. i will not take credit for her genius.

There was a heavy buzzing under his head, like a hive of angry bees had infested his pillow. He groaned, rolling over as his head throbbed. He’d drunk way too much last night.

Buzz buzz

Was it his alarm? What time was it anyway? It couldn’t have been that late in the day, not with how his room was barely lit when he’d managed to pry open his eyes. It was a small blessing - if he’d been late for work on top of everything else, he might just kill someone.

Buzz buzz

He didn’t hear his alarm, so it must be his phone. He had vague recollections of the night before, passing out on his bed before he could even get undressed. Had he put his phone on silent?

With another groan, he wrenched his head up out of the cradle of his arms, and fumbled for his phone.  He squinted in the morning light - it was low, but not enough to avoid hurting his eyes - and finally flipped his blankets in frustration. It flew out onto the floor with a thud and he stretched out to get it, his stomach rising into his throat as he moved.

Extremely hungover - noted.

By the time he picked up his phone, it had finally stopped buzzing, leaving a faint ringing in his ears at the sudden silence. Bakugou frowned as he turned on the screen, the blur of notifications clearing as his eyes focused.

Shitty Hair (9 Missed Calls)

Shitty Hair: Holy shit I can’t believe u did it!

Shitty Hair: (10 Messages)

Did what? Why was that fucking bastard calling him at - he checked the top of his phone - six in the morning anyway?  He unlocked his phone and opened his texting app, and was met with a wall of grey message bubbles.

Shitty Hair: Uraraka just txted me!!

(missed call)

Shitty Hair: Seriously dude pick up

(missed call)

Shitty Hair: if ur fkn asleep rn I stg

(missed call)

Shitty Hair:  I can’t believe u did it!

(missed call)

Shitty Hair: It better not be a joke or ill kill u

(missed call)

Shitty Hair: ok I don’t care if ur asleep ill make u answer

(missed call)

Shitty Hair: Dude she’s super freaked rn cause u wont respond

(missed call)

Shitty Hair: look im porud u finally did it but u cant send that and then go silent

(missed call)

Shitty Hair: *proud

Shitty Hair: HOLY SHIT I CANT BELIEVE U DID IT!

Bakugou was starting to have a bad feeling, one entirely outside of his hangover. It felt like something was squeezing his chest, and it was getting tighter and tighter the more he read. He looked at the icon, and winced at the little number telling him he had more unread messages.

From Uraraka.

Shit.

He clicked on the thread, and scrolled all the way up to his last message.

@ 1:37am

You: heyyyy want som fuk??

You: shit no i mean

You: ur hot

You: it pisses me off

You: we should fuck tho

You: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

No. No no no no no no. No! Fuck! No! The universe was fucking playing with him, right? This couldn’t be real. Fuck! It was, it was staring him in the fucking face! FUCK! He was going to explode his entire apartment.

Round Face: ...what?

Round Face: Bakugou wtf?

Round Face: Do you mean that??

Round Face: How drunk are you rn??

Round Face (2 missed calls)

Round Face: I’m gonna murder you

In the midst of Bakugou’s midlife - soon to be end of life - crisis, his phone started to ring, Kirishima’s face beaming as his name appeared. Bakugou immediately answered, pressing his phone to his ear as he hung his head between his legs.

“What did you do?” he asked, and Bakugou did the only thing he could think of.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“You fucking idiot,” Kirishima laughed and Bakugou threw himself backwards on his bed, hand pressed to his forehead.

“I WAS DRUNK! I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER!”

“Well lucky for you phones don’t exist and neither does she - oh wait.” Bakugou could hear that smug voice of his radiating through the fucking phone and he wanted to burn it in his hand.

“NOOOOOOOOO!” Bakugou whined, feeling completely beside himself - unaware of how ridiculous he was sounding. He was just having the worst day of his life, and it was showing.

“Hey, at least it’s out there now, right? She didn’t say no.”

“I wanna die. I’m jumping out the window.”

“You are the biggest drama queen I know,” Kirishima laughed, and Bakugou put his head between his legs, a sickening feeling rising in his throat and the overwhelming urge to projectile vomit across his apartment was becoming an almost welcoming idea.

“I will kill you later,” Bakugou groaned, shaking his hand through his hair, over and over again until he felt like he was at ease. He didn’t stop for a while.

“Oh, so you’re actually coming into work?” Kirishima sounded surprised, and it dawned on Bakugou...this day was going to be his last - he was deciding it before it was even over, his last day alive would be that day.

“I don’t fucking know, give me an hour to die first,” Bakugou said, knowing this would be the first time that he was late - and having no other excuse than being a fucking drunken moron.

Bakugou stumbled into work, his clothes a mess, hair barely done, and collar sticking up to hide his face. With every step, it felt like eyes were on him, watching his every move, and it made every hair on his body stand on end - he needed to fight something soon otherwise he’d go stir crazy.

Before interacting with anyone else, a bounding bubble of joy crashed alongside him, knocking him off balance. Bakugou stared back at his partner who smiled like a child - and his heart was racing like an idiot.

Her expression fell, clicking her tongue as she took him in. Why the fuck was he feeling so hot? He felt like he was a rising thermometer, about to burst at the fuckng end. He was a walking infomercial, some fucked up idiot that can’t keep it down.  

“Wow you look wrecked. Sleep well, Blasty?” she asked, a slight pout as she stepped closer to him.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Not as wrecked as your face.” The two of them frowned at the words. Why did he speak at all? “Anyway, Case!”

FUCKKKKKKKK STOP TALKING!

If a villain could come in through the window and suplex him out of existence right now, he’d be grateful. So. Fucking. Grateful.

Now, Bakugou wasn’t a religious man. He didn’t believe in a higher power. That felt like a mistake - because God was punishing him for his abject atheism. This was a goddamn joke, and God was clearly laughing.

If he got down on his knees and started praying, would it stop?

Uraraka quirked an eyebrow at him, before answering. “Yeah, we had a new lead come in this morning and most teams are on it, you missed Aizawa’s speech.”  

Fuck.  Aizawa knew he was late.

Praying wouldn’t save him now.

Uraraka guided them both to their desks, rattling on about the case -  something about a guy getting into some dark shit with trafficking young kids. In the end, Bakugou found concentrating hard. He would normally listen and make sure to take notes when it came to figuring out who the guy was - but he just couldn’t stop watching her. He watched and wondered why the hell she wasn’t saying anything. Uraraka replied to the messages, she even called - and now it was radio silence.

Normally, Bakugou would yell about it - but it felt wrong to bring it up, it could embarrass them both, and although he didn’t embarrass easy, this was completely new for him. Embarrassment came easier with all that romantic shit. It was stupid and frustrating and Bakugou hated the fact that he fell for it all, after years of denying himself.

Bakugou wasn’t built for this shit, and it definitely showed.

As Uraraka went to talk to eye witnesses - a task that Bakugou was strictly not allowed to do anymore - he went to the kitchen, making himself a coffee and praying it woke him up enough to stop the nagging sensation in his heart and the throbbing in his head.

A whisper then came into his ear.

“Hey, want some fuck with that coffee?”

Bakugou spat out his coffee and it sprayed across the kitchen bench. Kirishima laughed behind him, moving away to grab a donut - the fucking prick.  Bakugou was meant to be safe here, away from her and this fucker had to come and ruin it.  

Bakugou coughed, thumping his chest before turning to glare at the other man. “Could you keep your fucking voice down, Shitty Hair?”

“I don’t know - can you look Uraraka in the eye?” Kirishima quirked his eyebrow and Bakugou stepped towards the pointy haired bastard.

“Want me to rip yours out?”

“Tetchy tetchy. Don’t lash out at me cause you’re not getting any.” Kirishima stuffed the donut into his grinning teeth, and Bakugou tried to burn holes into the fucker’s skull.

“Murder. Expect murder.”

Kirishima only laughed, waving at Bakugou as he went back to his desk. In the back of his mind, Bakugou could only think the asshole was talking about him - gossiping about Bakugou’s idiotic love life and how ridiculous this all was.

Bakugou wanted to fucking die.

The window looked so inviting, calling to him like a siren’s song.

As he sat in the kitchen, looking over notes on the case he hadn’t paid attention to, a loud blaring noise came over the speakers of the precinct. It was unusual for an alarm to go off - on rare occasions when fire alarm detected smoke (which may have been Bakugou - no on proved it was) or emergencies. With the chaos that was soon surrounding him, Bakugou guessed the latter.

“What the fuck is going on?” Bakugou asked as Kirishima ran back towards the equipment room.

“Genzo’s been spotted. We’ve gotta go,” he panted as he ran. He didn’t even stop.

Aizawa burst from his office, his scarf that was rarely off was primed at the ready. “He’s on the move! Everyone get going!” he demanded, stopping short of the door to look back at Bakugou, glaring. “That includes you, Bakugou!” he snapped, and Bakugou sighed, throwing aside his paperwork to head into the equipment room.

Kirishima handed him all his guards and gauntlets, the two rushing out as Uraraka was fixing her earpieces in, rolling her shoulders to prep herself. Bakugou smirked, watching as she worked her magic as she got ready for a fight. Regardless of how much of an ass he made of himself, he still couldn’t get over Uraraka being a goddamn badass at her job.

They got to the site of Genzo’s attack. He had completely wrecked a transport vehicle, exploded it like an atomic bomb and was causing a fucking disaster zone by the sheer amount of electric power around him.

“Any casualties?” Bakugou asked, tightening his gauntlets and making sure they were ready to go when he needed them.

“Two police officers that we know of,” Aizawa said, going over the short notes he was given by officers on the scene.

“Any officers we know?” Uraraka asked, her voice a little strained as she asked. Bakugou looked over to her.

“None,” Aizawa replied. Bakugou watched as Uraraka sighed. Deku. He knew who she was thinking of, and it made a spot in between his shoulder blades ache. He bound his fists and kept his attention on the chaos. This guy was burning every fuse within his view, drawing all of it to him and sending it back at people.

“Our main priority is to protect civilians, and keep him away from the generators. He probably saw he was close to the power plant - we have to keep him away and out of reach of that power. We have no idea what he’ll do with it.”

And with that, the teams were divided - one person on civilians, the other on containment. Both Uraraka and Bakugou knew their place without even a glance. Bakugou set off an explosion as Uraraka moved a group of worried people out of the way. She was great, when another eruption came through, she’s catch them in time and float them to safety - barely even registering that she’d activated her quirk.

When Bakugou set off an explosion that ripped up the entire road - something he knew he’d get in deep shit over later - he watched as the other agents got into position, preparing for their next move and knowing the reach of Bakugou’s quirk. The ground ripped up and threw Genzo around, knocking him against a building and an audible yell of pain rumbled through the area. It gave them time to evacuate. It’s all they needed right now.

Uraraka went to Bakugou’s side, panting a little as she pointed. “Group, ten o’clock. You got this?” she asking, pointing to the group of huddled people just across from Genzo. Bakugou scoffed at Uraraka’s words.

“Tch, who the fuck do you think I am?”

“Yeah, yeah, just wait for my signal,” she laughed, moving off, touching pieces of rubble that were easy to float. Bakugou smirked, watching as they floated skyward and eventually just guiding her hands on all the rubble she passed with her quirk activated. It wasn’t long before Uraraka found the stuck bystanders and pointed them to a safe route out of the danger zone. But Genzo was quicker than either of them had anticipated, rising from his injured state, rolling his shoulders with a tight grimace on his face.

Genzo roared, sapping the power from a nearby building, the electricity crackling over his skin and bared for a quick release. He wanted to inflict damage and make it count - Bakugou could see it in his eyes. Genzo looked for anything that was moving. The civilians. Uraraka saw it too, and she did something stupid.

She knew it too.

“Get back!” Uraraka called to the civilians, and Bakugou watched in horror as Genzo reacted first - her voice drawing too much attention. Her warning, was an attraction. The fucker moved quick - faster than any of them could have expected, and Bakugou redirected his explosions, trying to counter as best he could to the new position. He set off an explosion behind him, sending him to their location as fast as he could.

He wasn’t gonna make it.

“Uraraka, move!”

She turned her head, eyes widening and arms coming out to block far too late as the energy surge hit her full force. Uraraka was knocked so far back, she’s skidding across pavement like it’s slick. When she stops, she’s flinching, over and over again - her body reacting to the electric current running over her body.

He saw her hands come together, letting the meteor shower rain down, catching Genzo off guard and trying to evade the oncoming onslaught. He wasn’t expecting Bakugou though.

He was only a split second behind.

“DIE YOU FUCKING BASTARD!”  

Bakugou came bounding in, hands directed at the target and firing off two of the most explosive blasts he had ever mustered. It knocked Genzo to the ground, and Bakugou landed over him, his fits binding tight as he repeatedly punched - throwing him about as the bastard laughed. Once Bakugou finally cracked one of Genzo’s teeth, his face a bloody mess of what it once was - Bakugou regained his sense and tossed Genzo off to the side.

In the aftermath, there was silence - waiting for the next thing to fall or the next blast to knock over a bunch of people. But it was just simply silence. In the ash and smoke, Bakugou waded through it, leaving Genzo to whatever fate he had left him in, finding his partner curled  up and in pain.

Bakugou dropped to her side, hands fluttering around her useless as he took her in. This was bad. This was fucking bad. Her clothes were a disaster, the giant hole in her vest giving way to blistered and blackened skin. Some of it had fused to the fabric, and it made bile rise up in his throat just to see it.  He didn’t even know if he could touch her but one look at her glassy eyes made it impossible not to move.  

The ozone in the air made his skin stand on end - and that was the only reason - as he pulled her into his lap as gently as he could. “Hey Round face,” he lightly tapped her cheeks and she turned to look at him. Her brown eyes were so unfocused. “Stay with me, fucker.”

Her face was so pale and her mouth moved wordlessly for a moment before she was able to speak. “You called me Uraraka.”

His throat was tight. “Yeah well you’d kill me if I called you Round face in public, Round face.”

Her lips quirked ever so slightly, eyes looking somewhere over his shoulder. “You just did…ugly.”

“Yeah I guess I did.”

Kirishima landed heavily at their side, and his breath hitched when he saw her chest. “Dude..”

“Genzo?”

Kirishima shook himself. “Right. He’s out - you did a number on him. The police have got it covered. EMT’s should be here any second.”

Bakugou brushed some hair out of her face - it was just getting all tangled and sweaty anyway.  She didn’t even notice. “You with me Round Face?”

“Yeah - but- but my chest feels -” She tried to get up and he had to force her back down.

“Fuck don’t move okay - you’re gonna be fine.” He scanned the street, and couldn’t push down the relief as the familiar jackets of the EMT’s came into view. “Hey! We need some help over here!”

People ran over, moving Bakugou against his will. But in the end, when he watched Uraraka flinch in pain, he knew he wasn’t needed anymore. Regardless of how desperately he wanted to stay. They were fragile with her, placing her gently into the stretcher, and finally into the ambulance. Driving away, Bakugou felt his heart lurch.

Nakamura Genzo was captured easily, given more restraints and heavier security around him. They treated him for his injuries - third degree burns, his entire right side was a mess of broken ribs and bruises, and the left was a little less severe. Bakugou needed to work on his left hook apparently. Genzo had a punctured lung from one of his ribs, and his front teeth were busted, but it didn’t matter to Bakugou. He was taken in - he was completely taken care of. Bakugou just cared about one thing.

~*~*~

Hospitals were always a place of pain - mostly for Bakugou on certain missions, yet now it was different. The fluorescent lights were straining his eyes as he walked through the halls - the constant wailing and crying was enough to keep him away too. Yet, she was there. His partner was laid up in a hospital bed in whatever fucking condition Genzo left her in. Bakugou was told the room number and he walked to it with bound fists at his side.

Flowers were already placed in her room, cards lining the benches with well wishes. Uraraka was already propped up - though there had been a day between her injuries and his visit. The rest of the team had already gone to see her. Bakugou was questioned a fuck tonne in order to explain Genzo’s injuries. He didn’t have much else to say other than “what would you rather me do? Beat him within an inch of his life, or let him kill everyone in the area?”

After that, he was allowed home, where he stared at his phone waiting for an update.

Kirishima texted late saying Uraraka was asking after him.

Bakugou knew he had to go see her after that.

He hung back by the door as Uraraka stopped playing with her phone, smiling down to whoever was contacting her. She looked up and her smile dropped, like seeing him was more of a shock than a surprise. Bakugou’s jaw set tight and his heart felt like it was trapped in between two ribs - unable to beat without causing him pain.

“Bakugou, hey, I was wondering when you’d -”

“What the hell was that?” he snapped, his chest a mess of emotions he would never allow himself to process.

Uraraka sighed, scratching lightly at her brow. “I know I was a little -”

“You were reckless and put yourself in danger for that shitty mission,” he snarled, moving to the foot of her bed. Her once soft expression turned to that of defiance, her brow crinkling in frustration.

“Hey! I’m not as fragile as you -”

“I don’t think you’re fragile, moron! You were putting your life in danger for nothing,” he said, hands gripped tight to the edge of her bed.

“Don’t be an idiot,” she spat back, folding her arms over her chest.

“What?” His brow knit, watching as she stared back at him, anger etched into her features.

“You’re being an asshole, saying you think I can take it, but then say I can’t because I’m weak. I can fucking take it!”

“I know you can fucking take it, but I can’t! Not like this!” The rage let slip the words that were held back - anger and frustration finally touching at the parts of himself he wanted to hide away. His hands bound together, tight fists by his side as his jaw set. If he couldn’t unbind his teeth, he wouldn’t need to answer her obvious question.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

There it was.

“Don’t do it again, idiot,” he replied, voice breaking and pushing himself off the bed, moving out of the hospital room and going home. He had the day off anyway.

It was just mistake after mistake.

Words said.

Actions not taken.

Secrets let slip.

Everything was a goddamn mistake.

With his head in his hands, Bakugou could feel regret gripping him, like a force that bound him to the feelings that made him scared of himself. She made him scared. No one could make him fear the unknown - pain, injuries, death - it was all he ever craved. But she went down, and everything came flooding over him, like a fucking tidalwave, saturating his being until he was as desperate as any other fucker on the planet.

It wasn’t Bakugou.

And it all made him scared. Of Uraraka. For Uraraka.

What did it all mean when everything else was a fucking mess? He hated that he couldn’t piece himself together, unravelling like a perfectly tied up coil coming apart by one tight pull.

Word went around that Uraraka was released from the hospital after two days, and given a week’s bed rest. She deserved more for all the work she did, but Bakugou knew she’d bounce back sooner or later.

Bakugou was midway through writing a report for Aizawa when a booming voice called out through the precinct. “Hey! Asshole!” The whole room turned, seeing Kirishima storming through. He wasn’t the type of dude that got pissed off easily, so it was a surprise. Then, he pointed directly at Bakugou. “Yeah you!”

“The fuck did you just call me?” Bakugou said, standing and standing face to face with the bastard.

“You haven’t gone to see Uraraka, I get to call you what I like!”

Bakugou rolled his eyes, stepping back from Kirishima and going back to his desk. “I don’t have to do shit all,” he replied, only for Kirishima to haul him back, fists in each other’s clothes - the two like gasoline and fire, ready to erupt at any moment.

“She’s fucking expecting you, so go!” Kirishima replied, his features hardening, expecting the fight.

“Who are you to demand -”

“I’m your best friend, so listen to me and go see Uraraka. Tonight!” he yelled. The precinct was silent, and Bakugou suddenly felt seen - that there was something telling everyone about he and Uraraka other than being partners. He didn’t want to be seen. Bakugou shoved Kirishima back, straightening out his clothes as he looked back at the spikey haired bastard.

“Fine! Fuck,” he swore, murmuring curses under his breath as he went back to his work, holding back on his anger.

It wasn’t as though he didn’t care about Uraraka. She’d had injuries worse than this. Fuck, Bakugou had stayed at her house while she had a broken leg and a few broken ribs before - cooking, cleaning, doing her laundry. This was different. She didn’t seem to need him like before.

Maybe he was just…

Scared wasn’t the right word.

He wasn’t ready.

After everything that had happened, he wasn’t ready for her to see him and maybe understand what he said.

But he did have to see her. Check in.

It was only right.

~*~*~

It was weird, holding a bag of things for her as he stood outside her door. It was a crumbly old apartment building with like no space other than the essentials. With most of Uraraka’s money going to her parents, Bakugou understood why she stayed there, but for once he’d wish she’d think about herself.

Huffing, he knocked on the door. It was harder than he anticipated, but it didn’t matter. With barely a second to straighten out his shoulders when Uraraka opened the door. He felt a lump in the back of his throat when he saw her. It had been four days since she left the hospital, and four days since they’d seen each other. She had a few tiny cuts and bruises on her arms and on her cheek, but other than that - she was just Uraraka.

She was in grey tracksuit pants and an oversized hoodie she’s gotten at their time with the agency. It was far too big, slipping off her shoulder as she took Bakugou in.

“Bakugou,” she said, voice a little shaken. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

He gave a vague shrug. “Kirishima.”

“Oh, okay.” Uraraka cleared her throat before she opened the door a little wider. “Come in,” she said, gesturing for him to enter. He followed and went inside, handing her the bag as she walked past him.

“Here,” he grumbled, focusing his attention to the floor. She peered inside the bag before gasping.

“Mochi donuts?! Thank you,” she smiled, tucking hair behind her ear.

“It’s better than the nothing I was going to get you,” he replied.

“But Kirishima talked you into it?” Bakugou returned a vague ‘tch’ sound before he stood back in her hallway and Uraraka was wandering into her kitchen.

“How’s the burn?” he asked, clearing his throat as his arms folded over his chest. He wasn’t sure what the fuck to do with himself. He felt cornered, that the walls might swallow him and he may never be allowed to leave - in a constant state of waiting for her to ask about the texts and what happened at the hospital.

“It’s fine. I barely feel it. Recovery girl really helped the process along so I’m ready to get back to work.” There was a voice she put on - a raise in her chin as she acted tough. A show for him to not think any less of her. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t.

“Good. That’s good,” he said, clearing his throat again and pushing off from the wall. “I only came ‘cause shitty hair made me. I’m gonna leave,” he said, going towards the door, ready to open it.

“What did you mean in the hospital?” she asked, voice quiet compared to earlier. She was scared. His hand was at the handle, inches from turning the knob, but he turned, looking back at Uraraka as she fiddled with the ends of her hoodie.

“What?”

She raised her chin, fingers still at the ends of her sleeves, nervously pulling at them. “I’m not repeating myself.”

He huffed. “I didn’t mean -”

“I’m tired of your shit Bakugou!” She yelled, and he stared across at her in shock. When he didn’t reply, she continued. Uraraka almost charged him as she spoke, getting right into his space and not backing away for a second. “If you lie to me, I swear to god, I’m going to fling you out the window, now tell me!”

She stared at him, a rage that only Bakugou could bring out of her. And in the midst of it, the scared teenager that couldn’t get over a crush was hammering away and begging for his chance. In the end, the man won out, and acted in the only way he knew how to.

Bakugou wasn’t a guy of many words.

So he didn’t use them.

He surged forward.

He didn’t dare to touch her, only kissing her as swiftly as body could allow, towering over her and making her stagger backwards. She gripped into his shoulders, responding with the most beautiful lips he had ever tasted. Then, she pulled back, staring back - no anger, just confusion, written into her features.

“W-what? Does this -”

“Stop fucking talking, round face,” he growled back, forehead resting against hers. He tried to dive right back in, only managing to steal a small kiss before she pulled away. Bakugou froze, watching as a smile grew on her lips right before she stole another. He smirked, knowing the game she was playing.

She tempted and teased, pulling back the moment Bakugou was about to latch his lips to hers, to never part them for as long as his lust would hold out. Whatever she she was doing, she knew the exact way to have Bakugou fall for it - she was going to have Bakugou everyway she wanted him, and he fucking knew it. All the while, it wound him up, like he was a jack-in-the-box, and god, was he ready to spring out and surprise her.

In one swift guide of his arm, he pulled her in by her waist, snaring her lips with his own and kissing her as sharply as he needed. He wanted her, and he wanted her the moment he stepped foot into her apartment. Pressing her up against the wall, she let out a soft gasp against his mouth, but he wanted to surprise her - do everything that every ounce of lust within him wanted to do. Her sweats were still midway down her thigh but they weren’t off, which gave Bakugou every excuse. Turning Uraraka around, her hands pressed against the wall - he bent and took down the remaining parts of her pants, bending down and watching the way her body swayed with each move he made.

Bakugou couldn’t help himself, hand squeezing into her ass, the bounce and shake of it making everything in him rise - adrenaline and lust surging across him. He teeth scraped across one cheek before he bit into it a little harder. Uraraka mewled, hands clawing at the wall - hard enough for Bakugou to hear - and as Bakugou kissed at the spot he not-so-delicately bit into, her hands released, reaching behind her to gently stroke at his hair. She looked over her shoulder as Bakugou took her underwear down swiftly, he wasn’t going to waste any more fucking time.

Gripping in once more, he pushed his face in the crevasse of her cheeks, tongue stroking at her tender lips and immediately making Uraraka rise on her toes. She fell back down, pushing her hips into his face, and holy fuck did he enjoy it. Bakugou held onto her thighs, widening her stance as he lapped up all that she was feeling. Uraraka whined, panting as he kept his mouth on her entrance, delivering his tongue in just to hear her moaning gasps.

“Oh, Bak -” she whined, and his hand snaked from her thigh to taking his tongue’s place, fingers circling her folds before entering her slowly. He slowly rose to his feet, her hand slipping from his hair back to the wall, and he kissed up the back of her neck to have her shiver against him. “Baku -”

“Katsuki,” he whispered in her ear.

“Fuck, Katsuki!” she said, pushing her hips against his hand, forcing it directly into his hips. She may not have known she was doing so, but she rocked perfectly onto his crotch, his cock aching inside his jeans. “Right there, right there! Right there!” she cried, her voice soft and desperate. She spurred him on, fingers working overtime just to hear what it would sound like when she finally came.

Her hips pushed back hard against him, her panting becoming a little harder to control and Bakugou could feel her around his fingers - Uraraka was at the end of her tether. She reached behind herself once more, hand on his wrist as she breathed in heavy gasps. He didn’t know if she was trying to stop him, or was telling him to keep going - either way, she crashed against the wall, crying out a little moan and pushing her ass straight up against his hips.

“Fuck,” he groaned, feeling the strain in his pants. “I’m not going to last if you keep pushing your ass into me,” he said into her ear. Uraraka looked over her shoulder, brushing hair from her face.

“I didn’t say you had to,” she said. Tempt and tease.

“Fuck,” he groaned, tugging on her arm to turn around, “you asked for it,” he warned her before bending down and picking her up into his arms.

Uraraka held onto his face, kissing him as he staggered around her cramped apartment. He fell into walls, struggled past the doorway, and had them falling into the bed. Uraraka giggled, kissing Bakugou before he rolled his hips against her, making her moan a little more. He just needed one more thing before he parted from her. He stood up from the bed, stripping himself of his shirt and kicking off his shoes. Uraraka took the cue and shrugged out of her hoodie and shirt, leaving her only in her bra. As Bakugou snapped off his belt and pushed his pants down, Uraraka unclasped her bra and tossed it aside.

Remembering where he’d seen them the last time - an awkward conversation was had when Bakugou was putting away laundry - he went to Uraraka’s dresser drawer, finding the condoms and tearing at the edge of one. He started to place it on when he saw Uraraka adjust herself slightly. Sitting up, Uraraka moved over to him, her hand gracing over down from his chest to his stomach, fingers tempting to down his length. He caught her wrist loosely, pushing it aside to her confusion.

“What are you doing?” he asked, leaning over her, forehead pressed to her own.

“I wanted to make you feel good,” she said with a flutter of her eyelashes. Bakugou smirked.

“Nah, this is all about you, lie back down.” She did as she was told, crawling her way up the bed and waiting for him to follow after.

Bakugou wasted no time - he could have savoured the beauty of her in all her glory, gaze at her wonder, but he wanted to touch her more than anything. He crawled up the bed, sucking at her skin, nipping underneath her breast and sucking at the edge of her collarbone. All the while she hummed her approval, nipping into his shoulder briefly as they came face to face once more.

Moving his hand down between them, grazing against her most sensitive bundle of nerves, her body arching into his touch. He smirked, the briefest of touches could have her responding, he wondered what more could do for her. When he guided his length inside her, Uraraka’s hands went to his shoulders, pulling their bodies together.

There was only the sound of Uraraka’s panting in the room, but it couldn’t last - Bakugou knew himself too well, he wouldn’t be able to stay still for much longer. He moved his hips slow at first, gaining speed and arching into every thrust to get the best noises out of Uraraka. She obviously hated that she was getting louder and louder. But his ego sure as fuck loved it.

“Katsuki,” she mewled, nails clamped down into his back, raking up as his thrusts came in quicker succession. “Yes! Yes!” she cried, her hand on the back of his neck.

She pulled him down, kissing him roughly, and he enjoyed every fucking second of it. She bit into his bottom lip when she got excited. Bakugou couldn’t help himself, he rocked in harder, taking up the back of her knee. Uraraka arched her back, panting a little harder than even before.

In her movements, he was finally able to look at her without the overwhelming urge to take her. There were scars that littered her skin, some old, some new, following the curves of her waist and hips. Her breasts were round, much like the rest of her, and tempting as everything else - Bakugou kissed down her neck to take one of her nipples between teeth, just to have her push into him again. It worked to perfection, her breast rising beautifully into his mouth, and her hips bucking into his own when he gave a harder thrust. She was perfect to understand, to love and hold in a single moment.

“Ah!” Uraraka said suddenly, her body recoiling in a single beat. Bakugou’s eyes snapped to hers, watching her face contort in discomfort. He pulled away slightly, letting her body fall to where she needed, but never leaving the warm depths between her thighs. Uraraka sighed, laying back into the sheets and looking up at Bakugou with pinker cheeks than usual. He wanted to smile, but he with the sudden halt on everything, he wasn’t sure if the passion had fallen to its wake.

“Shit, are you okay?” he asked, hand ghosting over her side. Uraraka’s hand went to the side of Bakugou’s face, palm to his cheek and guiding him to look back at her.

“I’m fine,” she nodded, “just take it a little slower right now,” she said, a little nervous with a soft laugh to ease her discomfort of their eyes meeting.

“You sure?” he asked once more.

“Yeah,” she replied, Bakugou once again moving his hips, a slow roll to gauge her reaction. Uraraka’s head fell back into the pillow, hand tight in his bicep. “Yes, like that,” she approved, and he smirked.

Bakugou bent onto his elbows, arms snaking behind her back and propping her up into his arms. Uraraka squeaked, the sighing as she sunk down onto his length.

“What are you doing?” she asked, all the while, rocking herself back and forth. Bakugou grit his teeth, breathing out a moan into her chest before looking up at her with a satisfied grin.

“I can’t do all the work, round face,” he said. She leaned down, hands either side of his face, kissing him in a slow, deliberate manner - making them both savour it.

Everything was slow, Uraraka’s pace, soft strides to ease her into it - or perhaps it was the way he hissed everytime she moved, liking the way he sounded, much like he had done to her. Then, she gained confidence and speed, hips jerking in a quicker pace, before she just tried to gain satisfaction by any means possible. She was glorious.

He could feel her unwinding, with every move, and every bounce back onto his cock, he could feel her walls clamping down around him. Whenever she moved down upon him, he’d trust him, making her jump a little in his lap. Before either of them knew it, Uraraka cried out, clutching Bakugou to her chest, hands winding into his hair as she panted out moan after moan.

She sounded like a symphony - gorgeous at her ecstasy. Bakugou watched her move on top of him, her hands stroking through his hair as her eyes looked into his own. He’d never had sex like it - something that made him feel understood, that every movement, all the pace, it was perfect to know who they were between them. Bakugou never wanted to watch anyone else on top of his cock ever again, not unless they looked as beautiful as she did.

In a moment, between his utter wonder and the growing need to come completely undone, Uraraka pulled hard into Bakugou’s hair. He hissed and Uraraka moaned, arching into his new position wonderfully well and he wanted to just take everything he had left in him and please her to every extent he could.

Two could play at that game. He may not have been able to move as fast as he could have liked, but he knew she’d not protest to it. With his hand moving up her back, he took a fistful of her hair and pulled, her neck exposed to him, and fuck he felt hungry for it. His mouth descended upon it, sucking and kissing at her throat, feeling the vibrations of every moam against his tongue. He loved it, and Uraraka knew he enjoyed it too much - especially with every thrust he added to make her close to her next orgasm.

“No fair,” she hissed. Bakugou thrust into her again, and she moaned, pulling at his hair once more, but it was much lighter than it once had been.

“All’s fucking fair game,” he smirked, feeling Uraraka’s hand on his thigh. He thought she may need to lay back down when her finger suddenly bound into his leg, making him jerk upwards into her. She moaned, biting her lip and smiling down at him. “Fuck!” Bakugou groaned, looking back at her.

“All’s fucking fair game,” she repeated his words. Bakugou bit his lip, thrusting into her again, watching as she circled her hips down onto him again.

“If you weren’t injured, I’d -”

“You’d what?” she replied with a smirk, and between his heart bounding like a drum, and his head screaming, he knew he couldn’t stop himself.

“Fuck it,” Bakugou muttered, pushing his weight onto Uraraka’s and onto her back once more, thrusting in one long and hard motion. It wasn’t until after that he thought of his mistake - his lust getting the best of him. Uraraka’s hand went to his ass, gripping in hard with her nails enough to make him hiss. He looked at her face, lip between teeth and chest heaving for more.

“I’ll tell you if it hurts, just keep going,” she begged, forcing his hips closer. When he moved inside her again, she guided him in with a hard pull on his ass. It was harder than he would have, but she enjoyed it all the same - eyes closed and body calling to his like they were magnets that hated to be separated.

His mind told him to go slow, to make sure it all lasted how he needed it to - but he’d be damned if he didn’t chase the sound of her desperate moans to get his own satisfaction. Her next orgasm came over her quickly, her teeth went into his shoulder to suppress the sound, but it did little to help, other than to spur Bakugou on. Her legs went over his hips, heels at the base of his thigh and urging his ass forward with every move he made.

Intimacy was lost on Bakugou, he never liked how he felt being within it, but Uraraka made it all different somehow. When her hand snaked down his arm from his shoulder blade, her caught her wrist, holding it down onto the bed. And he found himself wanting. Like he’d never wanted something so badly in his life. His pressure on her slim wrist went slack, and his fingers slid into her palm, binding into the gaps of her fingers. Uraraka held on tight, their joined hands going over her head as Bakugou continued to stride within her.

She made sure they kissed every few seconds, whining until she could kiss him again, becoming louder and louder to get him to silence her with one of his bruising kisses. Uraraka was using him like a puppet, but he didn’t care - she was heaven to be inside, her body a wonderful combination of sweat and silk and his body was to blame for half of it.

“Oh god,” Uraraka cried, her free hand back in his hair, body moving against his again. He could feel her hardened nipples against his chest with every movement, and he wanted to put his mouth all over her body again. Taste every inch of her. Uraraka whined, hand on his cheek, nails piercing skin behind his ear and on his jaw. “I’m gonna -”

She didn’t even get to finish her sentence, her release rocking through her in waves that made her hips jerk over and over again until Bakugou was following her. He held tight to her hand, the other was gripping tight into her thigh - unable to bring himself to move as he could his release come and go.

“Fuck,” he panted into her chest, trying hard to let her go, but it was no use, he’d drown in her skin before he’d let her move an inch.

Eventually, he had to - lying beside her as she moved to be on his chest. She was practically asleep by the time he’d shifted into his spot next to her.

“You good?” he asked her.

“Hm?” she replied, “Yeah, yeah. Just tired.”

Bakugou shifted, aiming to leave. “Do you need me to -”

“If you move, I’ll kill you,” she warned, hands tight on his body as she held him close.

“Fucking fine, round face,” he said, letting her rest back onto his chest. He smiled, his own exhaustion following hers.

~*~*~

When he woke up, there was hair in his mouth. He threw his head back, spitting it out with a scowl and wincing when it flopped wetly onto his neck. A heavy weight lay on his side, numbing his arm under the pressure. His eyes struggled to open fully, but out of the corner of his eye, he saw the hazlenut hair he was very much used to.

Uraraka.

Holy fucking shit.

Bakugou groaned and slowly pulled his arms back only to stop dead still when she shifted. He waited, tense and holding his breath until she settled back down, soft snores puffing out onto his arm.

He tried again, and after a very slow escape over the next several minutes, he was free. Slipping from the sheets he staggered into the bathroom, took one look in the mirror at his neck covered in hickies, his hair a fucking mess and cheeks flushed - and barely recognised himself. There was no way his eyes should look that bright, or lips that swollen.

He’d had sex with his partner.  

He splashed cold water on himself, and contemplated drowning himself in the sink. He could do this - it was just a moment of passion right? Happened all the time - or so he’d seen in all his mums shitty romcoms.  

He could still feel her breathe against his face, hear the way she’d whispered his name. Feel her nails down his chest and the soft whimpers of her release echoing in his ear.

How the fuck was he meant to work like this?  They were going to have to… to talk about this.

Holy fucking shit was right.  

~*~*~

Bakugou hated quiet, and even with the sound of his pacing footsteps, it was all too much. He had half a mind to wake Uraraka from her sleep, or possibly just sit in her room to hear the fucker snore. Instead, he waited until the pot of coffee had fully brewed and made himself a mug. The rest of it waited for Uraraka to crawl her ass out of bed. It had been nearly two hours since he left, and she was still sound asleep.

He always knew she was a heavy sleeper, but it was like trying to wake to goddamn dead. He had went through most of her things, trying to entertain himself before he had to leave for work, and no matter how much noise he unintentionally made - she stayed in bed. The light of morning was peeking through her curtains, drawing a veil over most of her apartment and casting a glow on Uraraka that was criminal. Gorgeous was not the right word to describe her.

On his way to the kitchen hours before, he picked up his trail of clothes, putting on some as he walked past Uraraka’s. He was unsure of what the fuck to do with hers - was he supposed to pick them up? They were partners and it had been a habit before, long nights and untidy people tend to amount of a clean up when nights were done. But this was different. A line was crossed. They were more than partners.

Regret was something that was new to Bakugou, but he knew this wasn’t it. He stood in her kitchen and came to the conclusion that this was not something he’d ever regret. As far as the sex went, it was fucking great. It might’ve been the best he’d ever had. Maybe it was because he knew her, understood what her reactions could be and learning all new things about someone that he cared for. He wanted her to feel as good as he did.

Yet, what else would come of this? Was there a relationship there? Was he even ready for something like that? It wasn’t like he had one before to gauge what the fuck this even meant. His personality and overall work ethic was a pretty hard thing to deal with for most people. Uraraka was one of the only people that knew him, and still stuck around after. There was a trust between them, a fit that neither of them expected.

What did she even want? Was this all just heat of the moment?

He was about two seconds from marching into her room and finally dragging her out of bed when his phone chimed.

Shitty Hair: U need to come into work. Boss wants to see u

Bakugou rolled his eyes, gripping tight to his phone as he contemplated his next step. He took the remnants of his coffee and poured it down the sink, washing the mug briefly before putting on the remainder of his clothes. When he fixed his jacket over his shoulders, he stopped and saw into Uraraka’s room. She was curled into her sheets peacefully, and Bakugou grit his teeth.

When Kirishima texted again, Bakugou didn’t have time.

He left her apartment and went straight into work.

They could talk later.

He just wasn’t ready yet.

[watchmegetobsessed]

Shawn Mendes // Boundaries Part 12

yoooo im back with a new part!! okay this sounded like im a shitty rapper.. im really losing my shit lately over school but whatever... anyway, enjoy! shower me with your thoughts!

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10  - Part 11

I’m an emotional wreck when I get into the car and Nick greets me with a friendly smile. The silence is comforting, though I miss the country music Shawn used to play every time he was in a good mood.

I’m not a nail biter, but I nibble on them as we are getting closer and closer to Shawn’s place and I’m trying to come up with a plan on how I want to do it. Should I just blurt it out or should I build it up properly like a speech that ends with me telling him that he is going to be a father?

None of the options seem to be right, so after a while I give up and decide to just go with the flow.

When Nick rolls into the garage my nerves are exploding and my hands are shaking when I get out of the car. I take the elevator and I feel like my stomach was left in the garage when the elevator moved up.

The door opens and I walk into the familiar apartment. I hear his singing voice coming from the kitchen even before I could see him and it immediately brings a smile to my lips. I don’t know what I was expecting to see or how I imagined our first meeting after our emotional goodbye, but it feels… normal.

I walk into the kitchen and he looks up at me from the instant soup he is making and a wide smile dances to his beautiful face. He looks just as handsome as I remembered, his hair is now a bit longer, a curl is dancing on his forehead with every movement, but it’s beyond adorable. I have to fight the urge to curl it to my finger.

“Hi!” he greets me and stepping closer he pulls me into a hug, and I feel like I’m finally safe and home.

“Hi,” I whisper against his hoodie as I wrap my arms around his waist. Smelling his scent makes is even harder to peel myself off of him when it’s long over the friendly duration for the hug. “Instant soup, huh?” I ask hoping to make myself forget about the aching pain in my chest that I’m feeling now that he is standing next to me again.

“I don’t have lunch or dinner dates anymore, so I’m more often stuck here alone. And I’m still not a chef,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“Ordering is still an option, you know?”

“I… haven’t been quite in the mood to talk to strangers, not even a delivery guy,” he mumbles anxiously as he puts a spoon into the soup and stirs it. Steam is dancing above the bowl indicating that it’s still pretty hot, so he doesn’t attempt to taste it, just lets it sit on the counter.

I can relate to how he is feeling and I’m surprised he shared this detail with me. I was afraid he would be distant and sullen with me, but his honesty is calming me.

“Do you want a glass of wine or something?” he asks walking over to the fridge. I almost say yes immediately, some alcohol would definitely work for me, but then I realize that I can’t. Because there is a teeny-tiny baby in my stomach now.

“Um, no thank you,” I shake my head and watch him grab a water for both of us.

“So, not that I’m rushing you, but I’m really curious about what you wanted to talk about.”

We make ourselves comfortable on the couch and I feel my anxiety coming over me. I have no idea how to do it, but I can’t just blurt it out. I need time to think.

“I… I’ve been missing you.”

He gives me a doubtful look and I’m afraid he can see through me, but then he doesn’t question if this was my original intention. But I start talking again just to be sure.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I just couldn’t get you off of my mind. I know I was the one who wanted to end everything, but… I guess I can’t do it.”

I feel horrible. I should have told him straight away instead of talking bullshit. Well, okay, it’s not bullshit, it’s true, I’ve been missing him as hell, but this is not why I came here.

He runs his hand through his hair and I think back of the time I used to do this without a second thought. Now I’m sitting next to him with a decent gap between us, so our legs can’t touch.

“I missed you too, Naya. So much. But… what do you want to do? I mean… I’m happy to start seeing you again, but we have to figure this out, how we want to make it work.”

I nod with a blank stare and I don’t know what I can say. If I don’t tell him about the pregnancy test I’m just fucking everything up, making him believe things are turning right and we can start over again, when truth is, everything is about to turn upside down.

For my luck, his phone starts ringing somewhere in his room and he excuses himself rushing into the room to answer the call.

I growl angrily as I reach for my bag and grab the test. I stare at it and can’t help but grimace. What am I doing here? I can’t ruin his life, I was the stupid one who forgot to take the pill, so it’s all my fault. A child would blow up his whole life and I can’t put up with the thought of messing everything up for him. I shouldn’t have come here.

I jump when I realize he is walking out of his room and in my sudden confusion I tug the stick to my coat’s pocket hiding it as I jump to my feet. I have to leave before I fuck something up.

“Where are you going?” he asks with raised eyebrows.

“I-I gotta leave. I’m sorry.” I mumble nervously as I head to the elevator, but he grabs my arm and… and everything happens too fast.

His grip is not too hard, but it’s strong enough to pull my hand out of the pocket and the stick slides out with it as well. It falls to the floor and the clinking makes me jump. I totally freeze right at that moment, giving Shawn the chance to reach for it.

As I watch him pick the test up from the floor I hold my breath and pull my shoulders up, as if I’m afraid he is about to explode. He hold it between his fingers, stares at it for the longest few seconds before his eyes slowly move up to my face. I’m biting my lips, feeling the tears dwelling in my eyes.

Why didn’t I put the damn test back into my bag? Why am I such an idiot?

“Shawn, I-“ I start, but I don’t get to finish, he cuts me off.

“Is this yours?” he asks in a firm voice. I nod.

“I took it this morning. I threw up last night and realized I’ve been late for over a week, so I bought the test and…”

“Did you do it on purpose?” I hear his next question and the words freeze to my tongue.

“What?” I manage to say.

“Did you get pregnant on purpose? Were you planning on it?”

His expressions are hard, he seems mad and it’s scary to see him like this. I didn’t want to upset him and his questions catch me off-guard. I stare at him in disbelief, but it soon turns into anger. How can he think I did this on purpose?

“Sure, I thought it would be fun to mess up my and your life as well!” I snap back angrily. “Of course I didn’t! I forgot to take the damn pills!” I growl as I snatch the test from his hand. Now I’m raging and I’m offended by the accusation.

“You told me not to worry about it! And yet, you have a positive pregnancy test in your bag now!” he retorts just making it even worse.

“I’m sorry, I was too busy trying not to fall apart! I’m sorry I’m human! But if you think I did this on purpose then I’m leaving now. It was a mistake to come here.”

I turn around furiously, but he grabs my arm again holding me back. When I turn back to him his face is completely changed. He doesn’t seem mad anymore, more like… desperate.

“Hey, hey, hey. I’m sorry! I didn’t… I just- I’m in shock, okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“And you think I’m not shocked?” I scoff in disbelief. “This morning I found out that I’m pregnant, I came here to find comfort and maybe to find out what we should do now, and then you accuse me of doing it on purpose!” Tears are running down on my cheeks and though I try to push him away, he pulls me to him and closes his arms around me no matter how badly I’m trying to get away from him. “I’m so fucking shook, I’m terrified and I really thought seeing you would make me feel better, but I’m still so afraid.”

Now I’m full on crying, I’m sobbing into his shirt but he doesn’t seem to care. His strong arms hold me tight to his body and I just want to stay like this forever. He is stroking my hair gently, soothing me without letting go of me. I’m glad he is holding me because my knees feel like jelly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I wasn’t thinking. It’s okay baby,” he whispers into my hair pressing a kiss to my temple.

“I’m sorry for raging so bad. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster in the last 24 hours,” I mumble wiping my tears off of my face, but I know my eyes has already swelled and as red as a tomato.

“It’s fine. Come on, let’s sit down and talk, okay?”

I nod my head and he pulls me back to the couch. He gently takes my coat off and sitting down he pulls me close, circling an arm around my shoulders. His body’s heat is attracting me like I’m a bug and he is the only light in the room. I cuddle to his side and enjoy the momentary silence as I slowly realize I’m somehow relieved. The secret is out, he knows about the test, now we can focus on figuring out everything else.

“I’m sorry about the pill. I should have been more careful, it’s my fault,” I mumble and looking up at him I my gaze meets his soft eyes. All the anger and doubt is gone by now, I have my soft Shawn back, thanks God.

“Don’t say that. I should have been more persistent about using a condom too. We are in this together. But we really have to figure out the next step.”

“The next step is that I have a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. These test are pretty reliable, but I need to see a professional as well.”

“Cancel the appointment, I’ll get you one in a private hospital. They are very trustworthy and we can sneak in without getting noticed.”

I don’t protest, I’m more than happy to keep it a secret for as long as possible. The last thing I need is to get recognized as I’m going to the gynecologist with Shawn.

“And we have to tell at least Andrew. He would kill me if something got out without him knowing about it.”

“He is going to hate me for life,” I sigh sadly, shutting my eyes closed. He runs his hand up and down my arm soothingly.

“Hey, don’t worry. Andrew is a smart guy, he doesn’t hold a grudge for nothing. And as I said, I was there too when…” His other hand gently slips under my sweater to my stomach. “When this baby thing happened. You remember?”

His playful smile calms me a bit. I’m suddenly very aware of his warm palm on my stomach and it’s so strange, to think about the tiny baby in my stomach.

“Shawn?” I speak up after a few silent moments.

“Hm?”

“I’m scared.” My voice is just a dying whisper and the damn tears are flowing again from my eyes, I can’t help it. Startled from my sudden mood change he sits straight up so he can look into my eyes, he cups my face in his hands and runs hid thumbs across my cheeks.

“Don’t be. It’s going to be alright. I’m not letting you do this alone, okay?” I nod my head sniffing like a little child. “I know it’s very sudden and scary, but you are not alone. I’m here and we are in this together.”

Now I’m crying because he is the sweetest person alive. His kind and soothing words comfort me like nothing on the world and even though this is a shitty situation I’m still happy I get to do this with him.

“I just… Don’t feel like I’m ready for this,” I choke out shaking my head.

“You will be ready for this when the time comes. I know we can make this work, okay? Just… don’t give up. We have someone else to think about now,” he lets out a small chuckle making me laugh through my tears.

Thanks to the emotional shock we both went through we doze out on the couch soon. When I open my eyes it’s already dark outside, meaning I spent almost half of the day napping with Shawn on his couch. His arms are hugging me protectively as he is spooning me from behind. I don’t want to wake him up, but one, I really have to pee and two, it’s time for me to leave, I don’t intend to spend the night here. Our situation doesn’t mean we are back on track.

I successfully peel myself out of his grip and make it to the bathroom. After quickly taking care of my business I check on him, he is still sleeping, now hugging a pillow to his chest. I take a moment to admire how peaceful he looks right now. No drama, no worries, just his angelic face that I still love so dearly.

As I feel myself getting emotional I turn away and grabbing my stuff I leave. I don’t call for Nick, I get a cab and head home.

I guess my message is clear to Shawn, he doesn’t call me that day. In the morning he texts me that he is picking me up at the café to go to the clinic and he also lets me know we are having a meeting with Andrew and Justin later, though I have no idea who Justin is. Definitely not Bieber.

Elisa is not home when I wake up, I’m thankful I don’t have to face her, she knows me too damn well and I know it would take one look and she would know something is off. I need more time to figure things out.

I have a beanie on and my scarf is covering half my face so I’m not recognizable. From my previous month spent with Shawn I expect him to be distant and moody after I left without a word yesterday, but I guess the situation is different now. I’m welcomed with a bright smile as I sit into the car.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asks me kindly.

“Um, fine. I was a bit nauseous in the morning, but I’m better,” I sigh tiredly. I leave out the part where I spent ten minutes kneeling next to the toilet because I was pretty close to throwing up. “Who is this Justin we are meeting later?” I ask.

“Justin Stirling. He is in my team, he has been doing a lot of marketing stuff for me lately, but he was busy with family stuff last month.”

I nod my head noting the information. The rest of the car ride is spent in silence. I feel so strange, before this whole pregnancy drama Shawn was always the dominant one, especially because he was kind of my boss. But now he looks so lost and confused, my news yesterday must have thrown him over the edge. He is looking out for my every mood and it’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

We make it into the clinic without anyone noticing us. This is definitely not how I imagined my first trip to the doctor when I become pregnant. It’s far from idyllic, I’m nervous, my hands are shaking so I hide them in my pocket, Shawn is like a jumpy kid, looking out for everything around us.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Hosier, please, come in,” the doctor greets us. She is a lovely middle-aged woman with a warm smile which is quite calming. We follow her into the room and while I sit up on the white bed Shawn takes place next to me. “So tell me, what do we know so far?” she asks as she is getting ready for my examination.

“Um, I’ve been late for about nine days now, in the past two days I’ve been feeling nauseous and I threw up once. I took a test and it came out positive.” I’m nervous to talk about it with Shawn right next to me, but I try not to think about it.

“Okay. Any pain maybe in the lower stomach?”

“No,” I shake my head.

Soon my pants and underwear comes off and I sit with my legs up while Dr. Hosier is facing my lower half. She keeps asking me questions, I just stare up at the ceiling and answer them like a robot. Shawn looks tensed as he is looking at the doctor.

“I’m going to do an ultrasound quickly,” she informs me she helps me put my legs down. I’m trying to breathe evenly as she pours some jelly on my stomach and starts roaming it with that… something. I don’t even know what these things are, this is how unprepared I am!

All three of us is staring at the screen that is filled with black and white void, I don’t see anything, but the Dr. Hosier freezes the picture and puts a circle around a teeny-tiny dot in the lower part of the image.

“Well, I have news. You are in fact pregnant, Miss Duvall and that little dot is the baby.”

I guess she can sense how unwelcomed the situation is, so she keeps her congrats to herself. She quickly tells me that we need to reserve another appointment soon, she talks about vitamins and useful information while I wipe my stomach clean and get dressed.

“Here, this is for you,” she tells me handing me an envelope. Opening it I see two copies of the ultrasound picture. I just thank her quietly wanting nothing more than to just finally leave the clinic. It is official now, I’m pregnant.

The realization hits me hard across my face as we walk out of the room and head to the car. Neither of us is talking, I’m scared, mad and desperate about the situation and I’m pretty deep in my thoughts when Shawn takes my hand and stops me before I could walk out of the building.

“Naya, let’s… talk for a minute, okay?”

I just nod my head as we sit down in two seats in the corner. No one is batting an eye at us fortunately.

“I, uh- I just wanted to tell you that… I know it’s scary and everything, and Andrew will probably explode when we tell him, but… I’m totally in.”

“In what?” I ask confused.

“In this. In us, in investing in this pregnancy. I want to be part of it, no matter how crazy things will get. And I guess I’m not saying anything new if I say I want us to… continue from where we were before things went downhill.”

“Things didn’t go downhill, our work came to its end and I did the logical thing.”

“But this is not work anymore. I want to give us a chance.”

I stare at him with mixed emotions. I don’t know what I want, I need time to figure out my next step. I have so much to worry about now that my feelings for Shawn must come second… or third… I’m more worried about what Andrew will say, how I’m going to work and what will people think if it ever gets out.

“I need time. It’s just too messy for me now. I’m sorry, but… I need to figure everything out.”

I can tell my answer doesn’t satisfy him, but he doesn’t protest. Pressing his lips together he nods shortly before we continue our way out of the clinic.

I’m shitting my pants when we reach the office complex where we are supposed to meet Andrew and Justin. I have no idea what to expect, but I’m sure it won’t be too pretty. Shawn tries to calm me telling me that it will be alright, but I know we are in trouble.

Shawn knocks on the door that has Andrew’s name on it and when we get the approval he opens the door.

“Ah, hey! I didn’t know you would be here too,” he immediately says when he sees me, confusion all over his face as he shakes hands with Shawn shooting him a questioning look. But he just ignores it and turns to the other guy in the room.

“Hey man, this is…” he starts gesturing at me, but he is not sure which name to use, so I step ahead and hold a hand out for Justin.

“I’m Naya. Hi.”

This is already over the work relationship I formed previously, my real name is justifiable. I see Andrew’s surprised face from the corner of my eyes and I know he is a smart guy, he must be putting the picture together slowly. But I bet he has no idea about the bomb we are about to drop onto him.

“Hey, Justin. Nice to meet you,” Stirling shakes my hand and soon we all take our places. Andrew is behind the desk, Justin is leaning against the bookshelf in the corner while Shawn and I are sitting in front of them.

“So, what is this meeting about?” Andrew questions. I turn to Shawn and he is already opening his mouth to answer.

“I have something to tell you, but I hope you won’t get mad. I just want you to listen to me.” Andrew nods and Shawn continues. “So… During the one month Naya and I kinda got cozy, if you know what I mean. In the last two weeks things escalated quickly, so it all took a romantic turn. But, um, w-we ended it when the month was over,” he adds and I’m staring at Andrew, trying to read his expressions, but I can’t. He is like a statue.

“Okay, go on, what is the problem?” he asks leaning back in his seat, but I have a feeling he already figured it out, because when he looks at me I can feel his eyes burning into my skin.

“We made a very reckless and immature mistake by… Um, we- we didn’t…” Shawn’s stuttering is getting under my skin, so I take a deep breath and just blurt it out.

“We didn’t use protection and I’m pregnant.”

The room falls silent, Andrew is staring at me, Shawn is staring at Andrew, Justin is staring at Shawn and I’m staring at the floor. The words felt heavy in my mouth and I’m afraid my heart is about to jump out of my chest.

After what feels like eternity, Andrew takes his glasses off pinching the bridge of his nose as he takes a few deep breaths. Once he places the glasses back he leans on the desk and finally speaks.

“Have you been to a doctor or you just did a test?” he asks in a calm, but distant tone.

“We went to the clinic together today. I was there, it’s one hundred percent,” Shawn answers for me.

“How many weeks are you?”

“It’s the fourth,” I mumble ashamed. Andrew’s questions are prim and strict, it all feels like an interrogation.

I look at Justin for the first time since Shawn started talking and his face looks blank, but I can tell his thoughts are racing, trying to figure out what to do with the situation.

“Okay, and what do you want?”

I furrow my eyebrows confused.

“What I want? I don’t understand it…”

“What do you want?” He repeats. “Money? Followers? A job? What do you want?”

“I don’t wa- You think I did this to get stuff from you or Shawn?” I ask realizing what this is about. Shawn’s first reaction was almost the same and now I’m definitely hurt. I never made them believe I’m a scheming bitch, why does everyone think I’m using them?

“Of course the thought crosses my mind, otherwise, how could you be so reckless to have unsafe sex?” he asks as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but it’s just making my blood boil.

“Andrew, it’s not-“ Shawn starts, but I cut him off.

“How dare you accuse me of being such a horrible person? You know nothing about me! Just because I work as an escort doesn’t mean I have such low life choices as getting myself knocked up by a client! You know what? It was a mistake to come here.” I grab my bag and throwing it on my shoulder I stand up, ready to leave. Everyone moves with me, Andrew and Shawn jump up and Justin takes a step towards me, all three of them to stop me, but the intentions are not the same. While Shawn wants me to stay because he cares about me, Andrew is just afraid is I slip out the door he can’t control the news anymore.

Shawn grabs my wrist and gently pulls me closer to him.

“Please don’t go, let’s talk.”

“You are not leaving without a confidentiality contract, no way you are walking out just like that,” Andrew growls and it’s just making it worse.

“You’re not making me do anything. I don’t need anything from you,” I spat at him and Shawn stands between us, as if he is afraid we would start a fist fight.

“Let’s calm down and talk, okay? Please!” he pleads, but behind him Andrew doesn’t seem too committed.

“I can’t deal with him if he is treating me like a bitch,” I say in a low voice, but the room is small, so everyone can hear it. Though I don’t care.

“Andrew, would you calm down? It was all an accident, she is not trying to ruin me,” he tells his manager turning to face him, but he is still holding my wrist.

I can tell Andrew is boiling inside, holding himself back not to throw the desk at me, and we are staring at each other like two hungry lions over the last piece of meat. Poor Shawn is standing in the middle, hoping he won’t have to pull us out of a fight anytime soon.

Then he takes a deep breath and nods.

“I’m sorry, but this was… quite shocking. I wasn’t expecting this.”

“I get it, it was a shocker for everyone, but let’s just talk about it, okay?” Shawn offers and I’m too tired and emotionally drained out to start a fight, so I nod my head agreeing.

We manage to sit back to our previous places and Justin stands right behind Andrew as we try to start it over again without the accusations and drama.

“I’m sorry for reacting so harshly,” Andrew starts, obviously thinking through his choice of words. “I’m just shocked, but of course, I don’t think you are trying to use Shawn. So… Let’s figure out what to do,” he offers and we all nod agreeing. “Was abortion ever an option?”

“No,” Shawn and I answer at the same time even though we never discussed it. Despite the difficulties of the situation I wouldn’t be able to abort this baby, it’s just impossible for me and I guess Shawn thinks the same way.

“Alright, then we need a strategy,” Andrew tells a bit more like to himself than to us as he is staring down at his desk. “Um… Are you guys…”

“Are you guys together now?” Justin asks speaking up for the first time in a while.

I see Shawn turning to me from the corner of my eyes, and his gaze is burning my temple as he is staring at me.

“It’s… it’s undefined. I have to figure a lot of stuff out.” I say feeling a bit guilty under their examining looks.

“But this is all joint now. Your decisions effect our work as well, I’m sorry, but you can’t just run free. Obviously, Shawn wants to take part in the baby’s life, so we have to work together. What stuff do you need to figure out?”

I feel awkward and anxious as I realize that he is right. I have to worry about myself, the baby and also consider Shawn as a third party, because he has the right to take part in this journey. I owe him honesty.

“I-I have to think about work, I need to talk to Joshua, because as soon as it gets visible I can’t work. But then I need money, because…” I don’t finish the sentence, I’m not ready to share my giant debts with them and listen to their pity. No way.

“Naya, I can support you financially. Let me help you out!” Shawn sighs obviously being over my shit, but I’m just too stubborn.

“No. That’s your money. I have my own problems to solve,” I protest.

“But I told you, we are in this together! I won’t just watch you struggle.”

“I can’t ask you to do me such a huge favor,” I shake my head staring down at my hands. I’m ashamed to admit how much debt I have to pay for every month.

“You’re not asking, I’m offering it.”

“Shawn stop!” I snap at him as I feel myself getting emotional again. “You have no idea how deep I’m in this shit! I inherited 1.2 million dollars of debts after my mom disappeared and left my number to everyone she was owing to, so now I’m paying thousands of dollars every month, because if I don’t, I might end up dead in a dumpster!”

My outburst is followed by total silence and my eyes are tearing up pretty quick. I didn’t mean to say it out loud, I never want people to know how much I struggle because of my own mother. She was a failure, never had a decent job so he paid for her debts by asking for more money from different people. Living this lifestyle for almost ten years can send you down the spiral, and when she disappeared after I moved out from her she left 1.2 million dollars worth of debt, forcing me to start working as an escort since this was the only job that offered me enough money each month to cover everything. I’ve paid back about half of the money by now, but I’m still coughing the rest every damn month. I was once late with paying, the next day two not too friendly guys showed up at my apartment and taught me a lesson with their fists. I never want to experience that. I scared the shit out of Elisa when she saw my black-eye.

“Can we… Can we have this conversation sometime later? I’m really not feeling good,” I say after a long time. I guess I shocked everyone with my outburst, they are all speechless. Shawn is the first one to recover after the scene.

“Um, Andrew how about we all have lunch tomorrow and talk about this? I think we all need some time to adjust the situation.”

I thank God for this offer, because I’m nauseous and anxious to sit here and talk about the future that involves a baby in my belly.

“It’s a great idea. Let’s just think about everything and come prepared the next time,” Justin nods agreeing and Andrew seems to be on the same page as well.

I put on my coat and keeping my gaze down I leave the office while Shawn exchanges a few words. I stop at the hallway waiting for him, chewing on my bottom lip I’m on the verge of crying once again. A few minutes later Shawn appears and seeing my long face he wraps an arm around my shoulders pulling me to his chest and this is exactly what I need right now.

“How about we get some takeaway, go to my place, eat and… just chill. Hm?” He offers mumbling into my hair, running his hands up and down my arms soothingly. I just nod my head, I’m too weak and stressed to talk and though I know I shouldn’t be getting closer to him, I just can’t resist. I need his presence, I want him to tell me it’s going to be okay, I just need somebody.

No.

I need him.

-

I AM SHOOK ARE YOU SHOOK LETS ALL BE SHOOK no im just kidding I WROTE IT hahaha okay im done here bye

taglist:  @damnigotadime @jrock-1987 @dacutiehart @ricchhelle @shar-is-my-name @hollandechart

[captain-kingliamsqueen]

Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree

Your feedback means everything to me honestly! so please don’t hesitate to leave a wee note!

Pairing: Liam x Riley, Riley x Maxwell

Summary: … Riley and Liam spend some time together whilst Liam's away.

Word Count: 1,777

Tagged : @starstruckzonkoperatorbat  @drakelover78  @queencatherynerhys @devineinterventions2 @jayjay879  @kawairinrin  @hopefulmoonobject @flyawayblue56  @gardeningourmet  @blackcatkita  @syltti78  @diamond-dreamland  @theroyalweisme  @hhiggs  @mfackenthal  @bruteforcebears @pens-girl-87 @barbaravalentino @umccall71 @darley1101 @crookedslimecreatorpasta @jamjar84 @starstruckpixelberryhistoryvoid @speedyoperarascalparty @katurrade @scarlettedragon @zeniamiii 

 ASK IF YOU WANT TAGGED!  OR UNTAGGED! 

I SINCERELLY APPOLOGISE IF I MISSED ANYONE, IM TRYING TO KEEP TRACK OF WHO WANTS TAGGED AND STUFF!

I always notice every single spelling mistake or issue after I’ve posted…so apologies in advance! 

 Riley let out a sigh as she watched all the nobles around her dancing away, twirling and turning. She was normally a huge lover of the festive season, she looked forward to the Christmas ball that she and Liam had decided to make a recurring event, it was Riley and Liam's first Christmas together, like really together, this time last year the two were in the midst of trying to find out who was behind the scandal that stopped their engagement, they didn’t have time to think about Christmas. This year, Riley had ensured they both have a few days off from royal duties over Christmas, the two were supposed to start their days off today, but there she was sitting alone watching the goings on around her, Liam had one last meeting he had to attend in London yesterday at three, British time, then he was going to fly straight home, he was meant to arrive back in Cordonia for eleven last night, Riley was missing him dearly, he had been away for a solid three weeks, flying from country to country, attending meeting after meeting, leaving Riley to deal with Cordonian matters, she didn’t mind looking after her country…it was her job…her life, it was late last night she had gotten the phone call…

Riley had been watching the clock all day counting down the hours and minutes before her husband returned to her. She had decided to pack up the papers she was looking through early, she wanted to welcome her husband home properly. Riley left her office at about seven, she headed straight up to the royal apartment, with a hop in her step and smirk on her face, she made her to the bathroom, where she started running the bath, filling it with bubble bath. Whilst she waited on the bath filling she went to the walk in closet where she opened the top drawer and pulled out her favourite piece of lingerie, she lay the baby doll outfit  on bed then started undressing, wrapping herself in her silk robe then headed for the bathroom, once the bath was ready she slipped her robe off then climbed in, lowering herself into the water. Instantly feeling the stress of the day disappear, it was the first time Riley had been left to deal with the needs of Cordonia on her own, Liam told her many times how proud of her he was that she was dealing with everything so well. Little did he know, it was all piling up, Riley had been so stressed, trying to make sure everything was perfect, she didn’t want to worry Liam with her worries that she wasn’t doing what she should, or her unsure mind.  On top of that Riley had not been sleeping well, with Liam being gone, after everything that happened with the scandal threw Riley off, she hated being alone, she tried to surround herself with people at all times but at night, she was alone. Her mind ran marathons, she felt unsafe, but when Liam was there…it was a whole different story, she knew she was safe, she wasn’t alone, he was there when she fell asleep, he was there when she woke up, but since he left, she would sit up until stupid o’clock, she would read, watch tv, try and get some extra files worked through to make the workload easier for the following day, she was lucky if she was getting two three hours sleep a night, and those hours where the only reason she was still going. Liam was aware of Riley's sleeping issues, but what could he do from miles away. He would call her at the same time every night, he would ask her about her day, how she was feeling, how she had slept the night before.

As Riley bathed for about forty-five minutes, then she climbed out of the tub, wrapping a towel around her, she pulled the plug from the bath, then started drying herself off. once she was dried she wrapped her robe around her, then made her way into the bedroom, she perched herself on the end of the queen-sized bed, before getting dressed she started applying her moisturiser, Liam's favourite, the reason being it smelled like chocolate, every time she used it Liam would mention it, he would inform her how good she smelled and how much he loved it. Once Riley was dressed she lay back on the bed, leaning against the pillows ready to greet Liam when he got home. Whilst waiting for his return she entertained herself by watching some tv. It was about ten when she was startled by her mobile ringing. She quickly clicked answer seeing it was Liam.

“Riley! Ive been trying to get through for hours, the weather is crazy, there's a huge blizzard so my phone might cut out”

“are you at the airport?” Riley played with the hem of her babydoll lingerie

She heard Liam sigh sadly “riley” he whispered

“you’re not coming back tonight…are you?” she replied in the same tone.

“I’m so sorry sweetie, I waited at the airport for hours to see if they would let me fly home…but its too dangerous, they’re going to let me know as soon as I can fly home”

“I take it you won’t make it back for the Christmas ball tomorrow?”

“it doesn’t look like it honey, I’m sorry”

“don’t apologise Liam, it’s not your fault”

“I miss you”

“I miss you too”

“what are you doing?” Liam asked

“nothing…just watching tv” she lied as she looked down at her outfit.

“what are you watching?”

“reign”

“Riley!” He groaned “we were watching it together!”

“hey mister don’t you take that tone with me…you left me all by myself…I’m entertaining myself…you’ll just have to catch up!” riley smirked

“betrayed…by my own wife!” he chuckled

“what are you doing?”

“I am just about to climb into bed” Liam replied as Riley heard ruffling

“but it’s not night time there” she stated confused

“I know but I’m want to try and get back on cordonian time”

“Liam…”

“yeah?”

“…I love you”

“I love you too”

The couples conversation carried on for a further hour and a half, just catching up on each other’s day.

Back in the ballroom, Riley was startled by a gentle hand on her back, then a man sitting beside her.

“hey…why does my best friend look so down?” Maxwell’s voice filled her ears, she gently leaned her head on his shoulder.

“hey, I’m sorry am I ruining the mood?” she whispered

“the queen…no!” he smirked “he’ll be home soon Riley”

“I know…these things just aren’t the same without him y’know?”

“I know you wanted to spend the ball with Liam…but why don’t you come with me and I’ll keep you entertained for a while, come on…come dance with me?” he smiled that goofy Maxwell smile that she could never resist

“I’m sorry max, I just, don’t feel like dancing right now”

“Riley Rhys…if you don’t get that be-hind on that dancefloor…I am going to have to go to extremes…”

“and what are those” a giggle left Riley's lips

“I…I will…Tickle you…” Maxwell responded over exaggeratedly

“max” she laughed

“Riley…come on…ill make you one of my famous pineapple drinks!”

“just for me?” she smirked

“just for you” he smiled

“alright…come on, come with me” Maxwell smiled as he stood from his seat, extending his hand out for Riley to take, she smiled as she took his hand, allowing him to pull her from her seat. He reached his arm out as she placed her hand gently on his arm.

Once they reached the bar, Riley sat on one of the stools whilst she watched Maxwell concoct his famous drink. Once it was finished the two clinked pineapples then began to drink.

“god that tastes amazing” she smiled “thank you Maxwell”

“no need” he replied with a light shake of the head. Just a short ten minutes later Riley started to feel the buzz from the drink, Maxwell took her hand in his then pulled her to the dancefloor

“I LOVE THIS SONG!!” Maxwell shouted laughing as rockin’ around the Christmas tree started playing. He and Riley, twirled and danced, laughing as they went.

After the song finished Riley held her hand on her side “ive got a stitch” she laughed “I’ve gotta sit down”

“booo!!!!” Maxwell's loud laugh filled the room. following her to the table she had been sitting at he took a seat beside her.

“so…are you feeling better?”

“yes, thank you Maxwell” she gently placed her hand on his on the table “thank you for cheering me up, I really needed it, you’ve always been such a good friend to me max, a lot of people underestimate you, but your one of the most kind, selfless people ive ever met and I hope you know how much you mean to all of us, I wouldn’t be where I am today without you.” she smiled as she gave his hand a gentle squeeze.  

“your going to make me cry” he pretended to wipe his eyes causing Riley to giggle

“I love you Maxwell, you’re the best friend anyone could ever have”

“I love you too Riley!” he smiled as he pulled her into a hug

Riley spent the night laughing and dancing with her friends. When it eventually reached two am, she decided to make her way to bed. She was well and truly done in, she was on her way to bed she removed her dress and shoes, leaving her in her underwear. After washing her face and brushing her teeth she turned the light off pulling the duvet around her like a cocoon she lay her head on Liam's pillow slowly falling into a deep slumber.

It was about four am when Riley awoke to a hand on her side and gentle kisses on her shoulder, if it were anyone else and she would have leaped from the bed, but she knew…she knew exactly who it was.

“I missed you” he whispered between kisses, Riley smiled with a gentle sigh

“it’s so good to feel your touch” she whispered as she placed her hand gently on top of his, linking her fingers with his.

“your freezing!” He exclaimed

“well…warm me up then” Riley smirked as she scooted back feeling his body against her.

“I’m sorry I missed the ball” he held her close placing kisses on her shoulder.

“it’s okay…” she smirked “your home now that’s all that matters” she whispered as she turned to face him, cuddling into his chest, the two quickly fell into a deep slumber.

[osakishinya]

My Experience At Monsta X Concert

@last-dance-anywhere-but-here id like for you to read my experience bc i need to express my feelings i cant hold in my heart ^^

I was so nervous when i got to the theatre.  My brother who went with me was trying to calm me down lol.  I knew that we had tickets to go meet and high five them but I was scared that I was going to make the same mistake again and not get to meet them. *** Short Story last year: I bought tickets last year thinking that it was where the high touch area was at.  But dumb me didnt check the seating chart correct and ended up at the very back of the theatre, meaning that i didnt get VIP seats and so no high touch.  I was very upset. *** When I went to the front desk to ask them I was sssooo anxious and nervous.  I didnt want to feel the same disappointment as i did last year when they told me that i didnt get the right tickets to meet them.  As I waited anxiously for their reply, my heart almost stopped right then and there when the lady said, "So you are in the VIP section so you do get to join in the high touch."

Was I finally going to meet them in person??  Is this a dream??  Dont tell me wrong plz!  Am I really going to meet Monsta X?  The group that stole my heart?? The same group that always has me on my toes?? The very same group that taught me how to smile, how to laugh and how to love again??  My heart adn my brain can barely process it all. Standing in line for 3 hrs wasnt too bad....but why did it feel like forever??  Maybe bc I was too excited and anxious to see them.  As I looked at the lanyard around my neck that said "VIP" I smiled and felt some weight lifted off my shoulders.  I did it right this time around.  I was finally going to see them face to face.  I told my brother I wasnt going to cry this time bc i already kind of saw them already. (even tho the tickets i bought last year was all the way in the back!!)

*Fast Foreword* When we finally got to our seats, I was ssssoooo happy where we were seating. They were perfect!  Right in the middle on the second row.  My hands were shaking so bad bc i was so excited.  Maybe too exited that I started literally hypevenilating.  I was finally going to see them perform live at this close of a distance! 

You know, ive always watched them from a distance.  always watching their music videos and their live stages on youtube or on TV.  I've always wondered if i would ever meet them in person.  I told my mom at one point that if i meet them in person at least once in my life, my life will finally be complete.  Why you ask??  They're just some boy group.  No, they're not just any boy group.  They're my happiness that I thought I gave up on.  They helped me pick up the broken pieces of my heart that was shattered.  They mean the world to me.  

As soon as the music started and they rose from the stage, I swear time froze right there.  Am I really seeing this??  Where they really in front of me?? Is this a dream?? Without realizing it, my vision was starting to get blurry.  Am I really crying??  AGAIN?? I thought to myself, that I have to hold it in bc i didnt want to meet them with swollen red eyes, plus ruin my makeup i nthe process!  Damn I knew I shouldve wore waterproof eyeliner! lol  As they performed, all i could think was, wow.....they are real people living in the same time frame as me.  And I finally get to watch them perform my favorite songs ive been listening to forever. Seeing Wonho just a few feet away from me was like a dream.  His smile, his laugh, his silliness, all real.  He's the very reason I can love again.  His love for his fans, his love for his members, his love for music.  That's the reason I can feel love again.  Overall, they were all amazing!!  They exceedingly performed very well!!  It was the best performance yet!! As the stage was coming to and end, I felt like time went by too fast.  I didnt want it to end.  Ending it felt like the ending of our time together.  The ending of my dream.  Am I about to cry again??  Stop!!  When it did end, we waited until it was time to go backstage to finally meet them.  And oh man was my heart about to burst out of my body!

We went and stood in a single file line to go meet them.  As the line was getting shorter and closer to them my breathing starting shortening.  I couldnt breathe at all!!  I turned to my brother to help me control my breathing. Im really going to meet them!  Can I really do this without screwing anything up?  Or fainting in front of them?? Im so nervous!!   When it was finally my turn, Hyungwon was the first I saw.  As I walked towards him and touched his hands, time literally froze right there when our eyes met.  He was sssoooo ethereal that I swear there was light shining behind him at how handsome, how beautiful, how elegant he looked.  He gave me the sweetest smile and said, "Nice to meet you, thank you!"  My heart stopped right there.  At that point I realized something.....no way, I think Im in love again. (im sorry Wonho!)

Though i wanted to stay longer with hyungwon, of course I had to move on. And so next was jooheon, he was sssooo super cute and adorable!! I finally got to see those cute dimples in person!  Thought I wanted to touch his cheeks so bad I had to continue to move on!  I.m was very handsome!!  I mean he looked really good!! 3 years difference is ok right??  Im not that old! lol Kihyun was definately the highlight of my life.  Not only cute but handsome and very friendly!  I could tell he really loves his fans.  His interactions with me and his fans was wonderful!

Then finally, next was my Won & Only.  Wonho.  The man I fell in love with.  The reason for my life to be brighter again.  The reason I can love again.  As I touched his soft hands that felt like silk, I wanted to say something to him but I froze right there.  Stupid me couldnt say anything!!  I have so many things i wanted to say to him but there was just too little time.  And so I quickly whispered a "I love you" to him.  I think he didnt hear me bc i said it too quiet as he just smiled and nodded.  Even though there are language barriers and even though he might've not heard or understand the words that came from my lips, the point is......i got to tell the man of my dreams that i love him.  And Im content with that.

Shownu was next and i gotta say....he was FINE as HELL!!  damn like when he performed on stage, i knew he was a really good at dancing but seeing him live made me realize that he really got some MOVES.  He is just ssooo sexy and such a manly man!  Now i understnd why fans call him a bear, a cute, cuddly, and manly bear that i wanna squeeze!  Last but not least was Minhyuk.  He was sssooo super adorable and his cute smile just made him even more adorable!!  He made me feel so squishy and fluffy inside!!  Omgsh i really just wanted to hug him so bad bc of how cute he was!

Without realizing it, my night was coming to an end.  It felt so fast, too fast as i was leaving the building.  Even though I saw them for just those few seconds, it wasnt enough. I didnt want to turn and look at the building bc i knew that if i did, i might run back in just to see them one more time.  I wanna tell every single one of them that I love them all.   So we headed back to the hotel, when i got to the hotel i walked towards the window and looked at the theatre from below. (we were at the very top floor BTW!).  The sky was dark and the stars were already shining despite some clouds still roaming around bc it was going to rain.  I reached up and touched the cold glass with my hands as I looked out the window.  I sighed a breath and said aloud, "Im going to miss all of you....."

It was finally the next day to go home.  As we packed our things in the car and started driving, I turned and watched the theatre disappear from a distance.  Then the overflowing tears that Ive been holding this whole time came down like a waterfall.  I couldnt stop myself.  Even though i know its not the last time im going to see them but why does it feel like it is??  What is this pain i am feeling in my chest??  Why cant i stop the tears from flowing??  I dont like this feeling of pain at all.  It really feels like a long distance relationship that's coming to an end.  Why am I crying so much?  I miss them that much even though it was just a short meeting??  Or Is it because im finally going back to my reality and I dont want to wake up from this euphoria?  Maybe this is what missing someone really feels like.   Maybe this is what love really feels like.  With the short about of time of meeting them, it feels like you've known them your whole life.  All i know was that, no words can describe what i just experienced.  My love for them will continue on forever.  I dont know if ill ever grow out from this, but right now just let me enjoy this moment just a little bit longer.  Thank you Monsta X for everything.  I love you.

[freelytinystudentblog-blog]

Beginning

So I guess for starters Im gonna say i am probably going to remain anonymous for a while. Also this stuff might get deep and personal so ill change all names. Since freelytinystudentblog is ridiculously long im just going to go but Eve because why not. Im not trying to look for attention posting all this stuff but i need an outlet and what better way to do it than anonymously on a website where it probably wont get read. So if you do happen to stumble onto this page then welcome. Hopefully you wont get bored. I guess its time for me to start with the beging which would be about 3ish years ago when I was a wee little lass and believed that because i was 13 i was basically the shit(which i obvously wasnt). I had moved a total of 3 times which doesnt seem too bad but it was always when i got really attached to people we moved and i never spoke to them again. This time was no different. We moved from one small town to another. Being one of the only mixed kids there besides my brother was surprisingly positive and annoying. Why youre probaly not asking? Well because my hair was everyones interest. A big ball of poof i always threw into a pony tail because honestly there wasnt much else to do with it. Everyone wanted to play with it or see how much stuff i could hide in it. It was fun at first but quickly got annoying. While there was that downside to the town it also had some positives. For example it was there that i realized that i was bisexual. To be honest i never thought about liking girls until my boyfriend at the time and his friend were talking about how they were both Bi and i said it to fit in a little. I didnt actually believe it until i realized the way girls made me felt. How i always caught myself looking at their chests and their butts, and how i fell for my friend Taylor. She was my first offical girl crush. Anyway this is getting a little off topic though it was important. Like i said there were many positives like the cool friends i got to meet, I got into blood in the dance floor and had a little emo phase and met a guy i thought id be with forever. That all sounds good but with all positives comes negatives. I began to get super depressed and even cut a few times. I felt trapped in my relationship with Damien. Whenever we fought hed threaten to kill himself or say stuff like “without you id kill myself” which is a shitty thing to say to someone in my opinion. I started doing things id never do like sneaking my boyfriend over and all that. But the biggest neutral that happened was me losing my virginity. No big deal it seems but i was freshly turned 14 and he was 16. We werent safe there was no protection. I know losing your virginity is supposed to be meaningful but i dont remember it. I wasnt drunk or anything so i dont know why i dont remember it. Anyway a couple weeks later i snuck out and walked around town and ended up having sex again in the graveyeard(insert judgement here) I knew something was wrong soon after. I felt sick so i told him i thought i was pregnant. He paled and asked if i was would i abort it. I instantly said no because i dont believe in abortions. After that night things got weird. Me my mom and my brother went to Tennessee. Driving up the mountains i felt sick to my stomach which i brushed off as carsickness. We get back from our vacation and i started craving the weirdest shit like frozen hot pockets, whole packages of cheese ect. I caught myself randomly thinking about having a baby and got scared. I ended up having my older family friend get me a pregnancy test and surprise surprise i was el prego. I cried for about 5 minuets before shutting down. I didnt know how to feel i was only 14. I called and  told Damien that night and he was as shocked as i was. Later on he told me he started crying after we hung up. So a few days later i went home and told mom. She wasnt as mad as i thought she would be. She refused to let me give the baby up for adoption because it was my mistake and i had to live with it. I dont think i couldve done it anyway. No one really understands how attached you get to the little baby inside you. I believe the same day i told the rest of my family. My grandma didnt talk to me for a couple of months. I had an aunt who told me i needed to give it up for adoption because i was gonna ruin the babys life.I had another aunt not let me see my cousin Bri for atleast 6 months which hurt so much. Me and bri are like sisters we’ve been almost inseperable ever since we were little which is funny since shes younger than me. Damien was determined to stay in the babys life and not leave no matter what. Me being pregnant at such a young age wasnt easy. I lost most of my friends and began homeschooling which was terrible. The nine months of me being pregnant was basically filled with me fighting with my boyfriend getting insanely jealous, cheating, and more sex. We shouldve left each other months ago. Looking back i shouldve left sooner. It was a toxic relationship for both of us. 9 months later my baby boy was born. Mister Phoenix. My angel. It was kind of ridiculous damien and i fought even in the hospital. We brought phoenix home and i was hoping the relationshup would get better. It didnt. I caught him sexting his ex and swore to break it off with him. I didnt. I swore to myself i wasnt going to let my baby grow up without a father. In july 2015 we moved 45 minuets away. Damien came on the weekends because my mom picked him up and took him home. That laster all summer until school started and he couldnt anymore. It seemed like us being apart made us fight even more. By november he broke up with me. Now i was 15 and a single mother. I was devasted. I had no one to turn to since i didnt have any friends in my new town. I was alone and began eating my depression away. Every month on the 11th i would sit down and cry. I wasnt in a good state. By 2016 i swore to myself id move on from Damien and become an amazing mother but it was so hard He kept popping in every 3 months or so flirting with me making me fall for him over and over again only to get crushed over and over again. It was a hellish cycle but honestly im glad i went though it. Why you ask? Well simply because every time he left itd give me more reason to stop liking him and even hating him. Now he texts me and i just roll my eyes. Going through that definately helped me move on. He wasnt there for any of the birthdays and i honestly am glad. I understand its my kids father but i grew up with a dad who lived in the same city and still couldnt come see me. I dont want my baby going through that. Once hes older i plan on explaining everything and giving him a choice of whether he wants to get in contact with his father or not. Itll be completely up to him. Now before you start judging me to hard think about this. I became a single parent at 15. The father never visted his son or even asked. Hell this january was the first time he saw phoenix in Two years. Two thats ridiculous. After the very awkward encounter he hasnt bothered asking to see him since. Its hard for people who dont have kids to understand this i know but i know what im doing is for the best. This sunday is going to be his 3rd birthday and his father came up with stupid excuses as usual. Now i know i left out some stuff but some of it is hard to put into words plus if i added anymore itd be unbelievably long. So this was the begining and current i guess. 14 and pregnant. 15 and a single parent. currently almost 18 and still doing it bymyself just a little better. Thats all for now. Ill probably make another one soon about relationships while being a single parent so yeah. Peace.

[astownd]

So lets start off with in the ends it is all completely and utterly my own fault.I should have been able to see the signs. I should have been a better person, friend, fiance, man, and most importantly a dad.

Where do I even begin?

I felt like I worked so hard for my family I was creating in my own way, making money in my own way. Got a house with the beautiful mother of my little boy, things were good for awhile, than rough, than covid, than bad. But before that we lived in an apartment, and the things i was doing and the substances (alcohol and adderal) were my coping mech. I would stay up for days, not eat, constantly trying to make every dollar I could to make sure we had a place to live freely. ( we both grew up in not so good broken homes). She made little mistakes one that completely don’t matter and are way overlooked, love her with all my heart. 

but the drugs and alcohol started getting to me, i became irritable constantly, never wanted to leave, hated everyone. I was always mad, always needed my way. Than I cheated once and thank god that she took me back even after that. Honestly she did a ton and most of all the work. She is one of the most dedicated and hard working woman/mothers I have ever come acrossed. She never stops making sure our son has everything he needs plus more, working constant hours at terrible jobs, sometimes with terrible people. I didnt see the stress it was putting on her, the constant cries for just down time for herself, or her need to want to go out and do things. I held her inside and caged away. ( not literally lol) I really should have been showing her off and paying for her countless nights to go out and have fun with her friends because honestly she fucking deserves and deserved it. I couldn’t be any happier that, that woman is the mother to OUR beautiful little boy. After my first few mistakes I just started tumbling downhill. Never stopped making them. I am so fucking sorry and truly dislike the person i became over all of it. After all that we had our son, and we put down a down payment on a home. We moved in things were good for awhile, than rough because of my laziness and lack of will to do anything ever. It was a mixture of that but also a mix of me actually being comfortable where I was at for once in my life. I finally had a place I could call a home, I FINALLY HAD A REAL family I could call my own. So i just got more lazy, I just began to lackadiscally relax all the time and do nothing, didn’t help unpack, barely got stuff done around the house. The stress built on her alot, and I saw it. She wanted me to get a job, a real job. So I would be a man. And I agree with her, I was not a man, and honestly probably still not, but I am trying to be for our son. I wish her too but I know I lost that part of me. She would come home and just want to relax, but would have to cook and take care of our son. She needed time alone but also out, and I never gave her either. Im so dumb for alot of things, but honestly losing her has to be by far the dumbest thing I could have done besides trying to take my own life after the fact. I wish we could have fixed it, I wish we could have communicated better. We both have mental issues, more me than her by far, and hers were probably caused by me in the end. But we got super bad right around christmas time, real bad, i was basically staying upstairs in my gaming room, my clothes were in the dressers anymore, they were up there. But like two weeks prior of one of the worst days of my life, things started to seem almost better. We were getting along again, I was seeing a smile in her face that I haven’t seen in so long. I feel so deeply, and honestly from the start of our relationship/ friendship her smile has always been my most fav thing about her. She even came an said to me “ why don’t you put your clothes back in the dresser, you have a family here, and we love you” because we got into an agruement over me being constantly needy and clingy. I was begging for her attentions for months but I didnt realize she didnt want to give it to me because I wasnt a man but I also was just ruining her along the way.  So that night I didn’t move my clothes becasue it was late, but I got off the couch went downstairs and got into bed with my beautiful family. A week or two passes. I could tell she was being a little off. and at night one night she looks over to our son while were all in bed together and says I think daddy and I are better just as friends. Right away I teared up and began to cry because im so broken down at this point but purely because of my own causes. She says to me “ what you dont like the sounds of beings just friends” I said no, I love you, and so much more. She didn’t want to hear it, she didnt want to give me an ultimatum, or tell me what I had to work on. But she was in the complete right by far. So I eventually get quiet roll over and fall asleep crying. the next early morning I wake up to her flustered trying to pee. Our son wakes up so easily, so immediatley he gets up and follows her to the bathroom, its probably 630 am so Im dead asleep. I wake up and go right to the bathroom and she yells at me because she can’t go pee alone ever. In no mean tone or nothing I just said baby wake me up and Ill grab him for you anytime, and immediatley it started a fight because of the lurking thing from the night before. She said that we were toxic, that if we continued to be together now and longer that we couldn’t fix it and that we would always stay toxic. Clearly I didnt agree with that, begged and pleaded. It turned into the most heated agruement I have probably ever been in with some I have loved. I regret everything rotten and mean thing I said in my angry judgement. I didn’t mean any of it. I love every part of that woman, still even after all the things that have happened. and that she has maybe or maybe not done. But I was kicked out that day with nothing but my computer, xbox, wallet, monitor, and a handful of clothes. That is the day I LOST EVERYTHING my entire world. My entire dream, everything I began to strive but also wanted in my life. A home, a family, a beautiful wife, mother, and children. I went into a complete and utter psychotic break and was nuts. still am. I made her life hell, I scared her, I threatened her with taking our son away from her. So many things I did not mean but I would never do. Our son needs both of us, but most imnportantly he needs his mother. She worked and works so hard for him day in and day out and takes such good care of him. Sorry I needed to let it out somewhere, everyone near just says go fuck someone go do this. BUT NONE OF THAT is going to make me feel better, none of that is going to bring back my family, none of that is going to even help progress, if anything it would make things worse. So I sit and I remain forever loyal to who I would love to call my fiance still.  But where I wanted to get at is WHAT the actual FUCK do you do when you lose EVERYTHING.She was my bestfriend, my everything, honestly probably the only reason geniune person I had in my life for a really long time so It was even worse, I had noone to turn to. No where to go. Noone wanted me . Noone wants me. I was just angry bringing everyone down around me after. Constantly drinking and just being stupid. Im really trying to get a better handle on things now though for my son. What kills me the most is before we had Wesser bean, she got preg before and had a miscarrage. Which kills both of us mentally, but more her than anything. That is her body, and that beautiful child was growing inside of her. We weren’t going to try again for the sake of our sanities after that. But on some of our long talking nights with one another we agreed that we wanted to try again, we wanted a family. But we promised to each other that we would never NO matter what let our children grow up like we did. In a broken home, a broken family. I want my son to be able to wake up next to his mother and father every living day and be able to enjoy all his little ups and downs. But I ruined that. I caused everything, I am the reason I lost everything. I am still so utterly confused and dont know where to go or what to do. My mind is always worrying about those two because they arent in arms reach and I cant be there quick enough. I still worry about her a ton even though everyone tells me I shouldn’t but that was my best freaking friend from almost the instant she curved me the first time. Thats the woman I loved, the woman I wanted to marry, the one I called fiance, but most importantly the mother to our child. So I will never stop worrying, or caring about it. I wish I had anyone, anyone that wouldn’t just push me off, or just give me some petty advice to go do some petty stuff like its going to slap her in the face? No becauses it not, she doesn’t love the piece of poop I am, nothing is going to slap her beautiful face. I would give anything to go back, fix some mistake, and be a man for them. Honestly I over think, thats my biggest issue. I love this girl to death, and I know im not adequate and she hasn’t had time to have fun or do the things she wanted too. But no matter what she has done, said, did, or didn’t do I would probably still take it like a grain of salt and do anything to immediately be back in her home, what I used to call home with them. To be a man, to be better. To be a dad. To be everything. Her and my son are my only lights, without them I just see darkness and it consumes me and just makes me want to do nothing, but it should burn a fire in me. I want them near by, cheering me on, but also helping me steer back onto the right path when im going astray. Its been three months now since I have been home, Since I have been able to sleep next to my son and wake up to his little smiling face. To be able to feel the warmth and hear my best friends voice on a daily basis. Shit three months since I have even slept on a mattress. about 2 months ago I took a estimated count of 32-45 pills of multiple different varieties. From pain killers, to adderal, to anti depressants, and sleeping pills. All one big mix. Got stupid drunk on top of it and tried taking my own life. I went to go lay down finally about an hour after I finished all the pills because I didnt feel well. The second my head hit the pillow I started throwing up really bad. I could not stop, I could not breathe. And the whole time All I could see Is my sons face. crying. not knowing where I went, What happened. Or why I was such a coward I would do that. about 5 minutes into me hurling I started to really not be able to breathe, I almost couldn’t choke the words out from the back of the trailer, I screamed as hard as I could from an ambulance. My mom came running in and looked at me and asked seriously If i needed it or not. I looked back and told her I would die if she didn’t. She called, I ended up waking up 3-6 hours later in a hospital bed completely and utterly confused but so fucking ashamed. They had a therapist or someone in there waiting for me to wake up, I guess I said somethings in my delusions of substance. But about after 15 minutes of talking to him and him seeing my sit. He looked at me told me they pumped my stom, and that If I didnt make that call My son wouldn’t have a father. Hearing him say that still kills me. I messed up big that time. they released me within 25 minutes of waking me up. no shoes, no shirts, puke covered pants, no cell phone at 630 am. What a wonderful hospital right? Try to take my life and they save it, but let me go just like I was nothing. I got to a near by store called for a ride and waited. Showed up home at my moms more ashamed and more sad because of yet another terrible choice I made. Tonight is the first night aubs have let me have our son alone for a time period. And for a solid 15 minutes I Couldn’t stop but also wanting to apologize so much to my son. He just came up to me gave me a big wesser hug, layed on me, and let me sing to him for 30 mins just like mummy used to do so he could fall asleep.  I never felt a love like I do for my boy, loving a human like aubrey is wonderful and beyond one of a kind, but loving your child and their love back is something words alone cannot describe. I can’t ever be so sorry that I ever tried that, that I ever would do that to my son. He deserves so much better. I am slowly trying tho too. Not alot of people know because noone cares and I just want to be alone but I scraped together the last remainder of any cash or any value I had left and got 4k. Didn’t sell our wedding ring or anything for that money. (its worth is 4.2-5.5k) I be holding onto that thing like its my life, I constantly catch myself grabbing it and wearing it still like a loser lol.Went and looked at a little trailer today, needs gutted almost, decent amount of work. Guy was asking 4k. with the work it needed I went balls deep said 2, he hit me with 2.5k If the mobile home park accepts my background check hopefully Ill finally have a little place I can lay my head. Its been a rough three months, homeless I would say, couch hopping, place to place. I am done now. I am fed up with myself but with everyone and everything around me. I need to be better for my son, so this is my start and my little way I guess. I have been applying countless places, All I want to do is dive all my time into some form of work/ works and be alone unless my son ( his mother included one could wish) is the company. My bills would be utterly dumb cheap. I just want to work and help her out to provide but keep the beautiful home she chose for her future family. I want to be able to make sure I can reassure her she won’t lose that roof, or that she can go out and eat, or wes can have that toy. She works to damn hard to lose it. It was like a movie too, third house on the realtors listings. We walk through the front door threshold, immediate second she turned around with the smile I fell inlove with and said this is the one. AND BY god when this woman says she wants something or is going to do something, she fucking does it, does it well, sticks it to ya, and does it kick. Immediately she got an offer in and she got her home. I’ll never be able to fix the mistakes and wrongs I did. Never be able to give back all the time and tears and heartache I caused her and her family countless times. But I want to be able to be part of my sons life, to atleast try to atone for the terrible things I did. I want 0 pity by the way. This was soley for me. For me to let stuff out. I will forever love aub snuffalfugus. and of course our beautiful boy Wesley. I would do anything, give anything, forgive and forget anything this second to see her walking up to me holding our little man and say “does daddy wanna come home” or “ dad come home” or “ i think its time dad comes home”. I understand I never will get that chance and by far I never will get that chance. I understand I did this, I created this, and I am the one to blame. I pray to god every night that maybe right now just wasn’t the exact time or what we needed. That he will lead our path back together one day. I see glimmers of hope in dumb things, but thats my over thinking. I love that freaking beautiful furrowed browed woman and our son so much. and with me being gone, I can’t tell if shes struggling, I can’t tell if she cares, I can’t tell if she thinks about us, our old family, or the things that happened. She has such a good poker face, shes so good at holding things in. But she has been glowing, has been looking more beautiful than ever with her hair all curly and down. She is constantly in her phone texting and smiling, and when I say that I in no form care who or about what, I care that the fact that the smile is there and its the real one. She seems happier, healthier, and more together than ever and I hope that its not a front, not that it matters because shes a strong ass mom and she kicked thru it. I love seeing her happy. I love seeing her look good. i absolutely adore the fucking smile. I am trying to come to terms that maybe I wasn’t the right one, That I couldn’t make her happy, but I was placed there to get her through a time , but also for her to have our beautiful son. Now that he has come, she has seen that I wasn’t much of really anything, so she bettered herself. But even if shes not with me, as long as she is safe, our son is safe, they have a warm roof above their heads, and full tummies than I can’t complain. That is what im striving for. To just be able to simplify their lifes but to see her smile again, and I have been seeing it and she rockkkkk that shit. Everytime I see her I get into my feelings, but tonight hit me for some reason. Tonight really had/has me thinking. Forever stay our beautiful little chunk Wesser. I love you both. 

ok done word vommiting, think im ready to cry if off in the shower lmao. 

[fictional-scenarios]

Oooooooooo could you write a sequel to Kuroo angst you poster recently??????

sure thing! -mod cassie

It took nearly two weeks for you to look at him, and about a month for you to start answering his texts. Though Kuroo knew exactly what he did and how it affected you, some other apathetic part of him felt as though you were drawing out a needless punishment. Sometimes in the later hours of the night he’d find himself entirely pissed off for how guilty you were making him feel, fingers itching to send you that mile long text that would start in a ‘sorry’ and end in a ‘grow up’. However once those nights passed and he saw you wandering to your class that anger would shrivel and beneath it that same regret would resurface, his pride once again making a show and urging him to turn the opposite direction.

The first time you finally gave him a half wave when he walked into the building his heart nearly flipped. It was just a wave and a half hearted one at that, but you were acknowledging him at least. He’d wave back in earnest and sometimes would even directly say ‘good morning’ but usually you never replied to them. When you finally came around and do did he, he had to bite back apologizing over and over again, fearful he’d scare you off. Instead he just waved to you whenever he could or offered a friendly smile whenever his hands were full, grateful you’ve return the gesture.

When you never answered his pathetic apology, he’d send you one about three days later, a stupid ‘hey, you alright?’ Unsurprisingly you didn’t answer that one either. So, when you finally did, he felt like he’d double over in his seat. Though the night was over and he was just getting ready to get up from studying and head to bed, he still felt his throat go dry at his phone lighting up, your name displaying over the screen.

‘hey’

He was so fast to respond it amazed him that he didn’t make any spelling errors, not that he’d checked at all when he hit send and then made his way under the covers. 

‘hey’

Your name lit up again, his phone vibrating and his breath leaving him.

‘do you have time to talk’

He almost replied with ‘anything for you’ but instead sent a simple, ‘yeah, sure, whats up’. He felt horrible in acting as though he had no idea what was going on, like he totally wasn’t expecting you to already be chewing his ass out for being such a hardass to you back after the game.

It took you a few moments to answer and in those long minutes Kuroo’s anxiety grew with every second. 

‘i just wanted to say i was sorry for ignoring you these past few weeks. i wish i had an excuse but i dont’

He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Sure in the times where he’d get angry at you he’d imagine you apologizing but actually seeing it in front of his eyes made him feel even worse than before. He’d exploded on you for just trying to help, and even after that he was just as much in the wrong (if not more) for not manning up and apologizing right away. Instead he chose to give you the silent treatment as well.

‘it’s fine, really. im sorry too for being a dick and for saying all those things to you. i dont have an excuse either, i just hope you can forgive me’

Sometimes Kuroo wished he could sound more genuine as he read his reply, feeling like he was speaking way too casually to sound like he was as sorry as he was. He was afraid you would think he was just talking out of his ass, like he didn’t actually give a damn about how you felt and was just going with it. When you replied he was almost scared the only thing you’d had sent would be a big, fat, ‘no’, but it wasn’t.

‘i forgive you.’ 

Even though it was late and his mind felt fried from all the practice and studying, he still leaned his head back against the pillow, phone clutched to his chest while he grinned. A weight had been lifted off his shoulder and though he knew these messages wouldn’t solve everything it was the most relieving thing to see those words. You forgave him. As he brought his phone up to his face, squinting at the brightness, he smiled all over again and sighed at your answer before sending his own.

‘thank you, ___, seriously. that means a lot to me even if it doesn’t seem like it.’

His room was dark save for his screen illuminating, but he’d never felt so content in his whole life. He still had some guilt clinging to his shoulder, eating away at him slowly, but for the moment he truly felt like you two could finally start getting somewhere again. The fear of potentially ruining any chance of being with you greatly damaged a lot of Kuroo’s persona, so much so that even his teammates asked him occasionally if he was feeling alright. That ‘fateful’ night replayed in his mind over and over again, his head creating alternate pathways on what he could have, or should have, taken and where they could have led him. 

‘im glad it does. i miss you a lot tbh’

You sounded just as casual as he did and maybe that wasn’t a bad thing, since it made talking a lot easier than just spilling emotions and crying out ‘im sorry’s every few seconds. Kuroo stared at the ceiling, closing his tired eyes and smiling again.

‘i missed you too’

A few more minutes passed after his reply and you still hadn’t answered, and for some ungodly reason Kuroo feared he may have made things awkward, and once again he almost dreaded reading your message when his phone alerted him.

‘hey i know we havnt talked in awhile but do you maybe want to hang out sometime this week? if u dont wanna thats find i just think it would nice to catch up or something idk’

He actually laughed quietly, head tipping back again after reading your question. Even though the circumstances were less than desirable it was cute to him, and he was still smiling as he answered back.

‘that sound awesome, where do you wanna go?’

‘hows that one place by the corner store sound? i heard its good’

‘it sucks’

‘oh haha, how about that one we used to go to together a lot? i cant remember the name either oops’

Kuroo licked at his lips, remembering how often you two would eat out after he was out from practice. He didn’t like it too much but when you were there with him, it was his favorite. 

‘sounds great. we can catch up on stuff cant we?’

‘yeah’ 

You sent another right after.

‘like i said i really missed you. sorry ive been so mean :(’

His heart fluttered again as he typed away, hesitating before sending. 

‘its fine, really, i was the jerk. im just glad we’re talking again, and im also happy to be revisiting our place again. eating at our place is way more fun isnt it?’

‘haha, our place sounds about right.’

It felt good to be saying ‘our place’, it made him feel like you two were right back to being the close knit friends you always were, even if a lot of it was spent on him pining for you and wishing you felt the same way.

‘so its a date then?’

Kuroo nearly choked when he read your message, heart doing flips as he sat up and re-read your text to make sure he wasnt mistaking it on accident.

‘a date?’ He sent, hands nearly shaking. He definitely hadn’t misread your text, but it felt too good to be true. 

‘oh sorry, would you rather it not be? ig that makes sense given we havnt been talking… we can just hang out haha’

‘NO a date is fine. thats even better than just hanging out.” His entire body felt weightless, nearly feeling like he had whiplash from your sudden question and how lucky he had gotten. He was excited to be just conversing with you again but going on a date? Finally doing something he’d been dreaming of? Again, the context was less than desirable but he still beamed at the chance. 

‘alrighty then, i cant wait! ill see you at school tomorrow right kuroo? at our spot?’

Your spot being the tree a little outside the gates of school, the place where you’d met because he bumped into you while not paying attention since he was too busy harassing Kenma on not making too many friends despite it only being the first week of highschool. You were prepared to be hit and almost fell over, and would have hit the dirt if he hadn’t managed to grab onto your arm. It hurt and left a bruise but after that day you two became pretty close.

‘yeah, our spot.’

‘get some rest then, see you tomorrow (:!”

He sighed in delight, imaging seeing you tomorrow and thinking of all the things he could say to you. 

‘see you tomorrow, ___.’

Kuroo clicked his phone off when you didn’t answer back, probably heading to sleep with the same butterflies in your stomach. He wanted to feel mature and cool, but he couldn’t stop himself from flipping on his side and holding a pillow tight in his arms, body wrapping around it while he grinned into the plushness. 

Once again those scenarios started racing in his head but they weren’t an offspring of regret and what he could have done. Now, it was excitement, the things that he could and would do when he saw you the next morning.

[creamfessions]

unfiltered rant to a girl i fell in love with a year ago today. 9:26 pm,1-19-20

I miss you. God, I miss you so much. A year ago, I knew. A whole year has passed since the day I knew I wanted to be with you. And here we are, hundreds of miles apart and you thinking I hate you, and vice versa.

I have so fucking much to say and I know you don’t give a damn about any of it. So I’m saying it here.

I don’t know why I’m like this. Im selfish, Im arrogant, Im impulsive, Im immature, Im rude, i never think before i speak, im stupid, im alone, and im sorry. I am so, so, so sorry, A. I’m so fucking sorry. It sounds sarcastic and ingenuine but oh my god, I have no way to express the guilt I feel about everything. You should never have had to deal with me and I could have done so much more to treat you better and I wish upon all the fucking stars in the stupid fucking sky that I could go back in time and fix everything. But i can’t, and it’s killing me. It hurts so fucking much, every day that oasses and yet here you are still on my mind like in may of last year, before your trip to europe. I still have your gifts. The music box, the bracelets, etc. I still have the paintings you gave me for my birthday. The paintings I kept on my wall for months because they made me happy just to look at them. To know I was loved enough for you to take so much time and work on them even through your busy schedule. You have no idea how much those paintings mean to me, even now.

I never saw how much you loved me until it was far too late. the card you gave me on my birthday, the times you would come to my shows, the times you would visit me even though i was a 45 minute one way trip from your house. i didnt deserve you then, and i sure as hell dont now. you were so fucking good to me and i never appreciated it enough. funny though, i always found it odd how often you would do things for me and i didnt even notice. you put so much more effort into us than i ever saw, and im sure theres more to your side of the story than i will ever possibly know. you were never very open and i wish that wouldnt have been the case. but then you wouldnt have been you, and i love you.

yeah, i love you. immensely, more than anything else in this world. i wanted to marry you. crazy i know, given my stance on marriage. i just... you were really special to me. you made me feel things i never thought i could feel or would ever feel again. you taught me to be more myself and to enjoy life. you made me actually get excited for the days to come, because i had you. i was ready to take on whatever obstacles came my way because i figured no matter what, i would still have you by my side. and i fucking ruined everything.

i remembered why i got mad at you in the first place, A. it was when you told me you were gonna be someone else’s sugar baby when we were going to be talking about our relationship just weeks later. so i cut you off, thinking you had been entirely over me and i was extremely hurt. it felt like a blade in my heart, not to sound cheesy but it literally felt like i had been stabbed. so i was trying to forget you.

i want to go away from the previous points and explain some things. after i left my dad’s, i think we both know i wasnt myself. something changed. i was living this fantasy of “im an adult and i have everything under control”. and to be quite honest, that was absolutely the opposite. i was getting high or drunk every day to try and cope with the existential dread and the reality of things that i refused to face. thats not what an adult is. because i wasnt an adult. i was 17 and in love and had this horrible dream that i was hopelessly following. there was no logic for my actions. there was no excuse. i was acting like a child. and you didnt deserve to go through all of that. i really fucked everything up and i feel... awful. there are no words to express the guilt, the sorrow, the regret, the yearning-- i can hardly comprehend it to try and indirectly tell you through this dead forum site that no one even fucking uses anymore. im fucking stupid and you deserved so much better than a small town, pop punk stoner who never amounted to anything in life to begin with, let alone when he thought he did after he lived with D and V. i have a lot of growing up to do. and i have a lot of mistakes to learn from.

you dont even want to talk to me anymore. youre seeing someone else. youre already forgetting about me and pretending i didnt exist. and i really cant say that i blame you. no one can, youre doing the smart thing. as much as i love you and i miss you and want to be with you again more than anything else i have ever felt any of those things towards in my 18 years, you should probably stay away for your own good. im not even washed up or has been. i never even was. im pointless to even exist, let alone try to get you back. youre actually smart, so theres no way youd be dumb enough to even consider giving someone like me a second chance. i cry every goddamn day hoping youll text me or that ill wake up and this was all one giant nightmare but i know that what happened is real and i can never take it back or make up for it. im a fraud. im a fucking failure. the only way i can ever amount to something is if i take myself out and use my body to fertilize plants. you were a genius to move on. you really were. and im sorry i ever put you through being involved in my life. im so sorry, A. i hope one day you can forgive me, but i dont even deserve the consideration of forgiveness. 

i hope your new cheesepuff treats you as well as i should have. you deserve it, princess.