#we could always find a dealer lol shes the one with all the plugs now buuuut she can get h again lol n called it ik u lol weve been in this

[ssvgawara]

Haikyuu boys and some oddly specific crime they’d commit

a/n: I come back and the first thing I write is a shitpost!! enjoy </3 tw for drugs, murder, alcohol and general crime committing xoxo

Karasuno

Daichi- he’s a cop sorry that’s all there is to it man

Suga- Suga has multiple charges of 1st-degree murder against him but they can’t seem to find his identity so he continues committing murder and will continue until he gets caught or ends up murdering enough people to be put in a position of power

Asahi- everyone is probably like “Oh Asahi is innocent” NO. He has learned that his slightly scary face will let him get away with a lot, he is buying alcohol illegally because he looks old enough to, and he’s buying so much other shit and just getting away with it

Nishinoya- This man gives fucking pimp vibes I can just see him in the big leopard print fur coat with a pretty girl in his lap and he calls himself big poppa but no one else will

Tanaka- Drug dealer vibes, probably runs an entire fucking drug ring with his sister and not just a Lil weed these mfkas have the hard shit too like you could probably buy meth from them, he’s not using it but it’s good business

Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita- They literally rob a bank they have an entire scheme and get away with multiple bank robberies and this goes on for MONTHS

Kageyama- We know he’s volleyball smart but otherwise he’s so mfing stupid and I love him for it but he is a chronic shoplifter. Just picks something up and takes it, has walked out of a store without paying for an entire bed set once and got away with it somehow so idk props to him

Hinata- He is the little guy in any heist situation, he fits anywhere so he can sneak in and out the best, he gave himself the stupid ass code name tiny giant but everyone goes with it because somehow he is the best

Tsukishima- armed robbery, but he doesn’t have a gun just a knife like he’s tall and as an attitude, a knife will get him whatever he needs he doesn’t need the gun

Yamaguchi- He runs a catfishing scheme where he pretends to be a naive girl, scams old men out of their money, and then ghosts them and I think it’s what he deserves let him carry on especially because no one would believe it’s him. Also not really like a crime crime but still a crime in a way

Kiyoko- She kills men and I know it, Queen Kiyoko ending the patriarchy one shitty man at a time like she only kills men who deserve it bc some have rights.

Yachi- She’s too anxious to commit an in-person crime so she does a lot of cybercrime, hacking government databases and releasing info to the people, truly the anonymous we deserve

Saeko- She’s running that drug ring with Tanaka, and she loves it because there’s a thrill to it even though yknow she’s dealing literal meth but like its fine plus she loves rocking people’s shit when they get too handsy, which bring me to my next point underground MMA Saeko, like the illegal one with no rules yeah <3

Ukai- this man probably sells all kinda shit to minors that he shouldn’t he is so unbothered a 7-year-old could probably walk in ask for a pack of camels and get them and leave before he noticed what was going on.

Takeda- Did y’all see how scared Hinata was when Takeda gave him that lecture? This dude could kidnap someone and scare them into giving all the information he needed, a legend truly

Aoba Johsai

Oikawa- took steroids one time. And of course in sports, that’s not allowed. But he only did it once and regretted it for months afterward. Never told anyone and was just relieved he didn’t have to piss in a cup and have someone find out.

Matsukawa- Without hesitation, I know this man takes dead people’s bones and sells them on the internet. Has dubbed himself the bone man and he feels so much power when someone buys a femur or sumn. It’s kinda funny honestly he has a hoard of bones to sell, his fave is the pelvis.

Hanamaki- He’s in between jobs because he stole money from his last job, like he said he was sorry he just needed a little extra for gas but was sad to find out that’s a literal crime and he was laundering money.

Iwaizumi- he’s a street racer, like the fast and furious style and it’s so sexy of him like late-night races ugh to be in an expensive fast car with him where he has one hand on my thigh okay that’s enough of that.

Kunimi- Look me in the eye and tell me he does not do drugs. He does and if you don’t believe me you are wrong and I will fight you on this one. 

Kyotani- If there is a crime he will commit it for fun. Like he will do it with no hesitation. He has a record longer than twilight and I’m not sure how he is not in prison actually nvm he escaped and is  a wanted criminal lol

Shiritorizawa

Ushijima- Assault, he just reeks of getting into bar fights when he’s absolutely wasted. Like he most likely didn’t start it but he will be finishing it

Tendou- grave robbing, he just goes into the cemetery picked the oldest plots, and gets to digging. Has made thousands on dead people jewelry and probably won’t get caught, like besides the groundskeeper there’s no security he will never stop.

Semi- he breaks copyright laws on the daily. He’s sampling music in his all the time but he’s doing it so sneakily it’s fine its what deserves stream his band on Spotify right now,

Shirabu- His bangs are criminal enough. No, but he has stolen drugs from the hospital before he just wanted to try the Xanax, and yeah he could just write himself a prescription for it nut like it’s so easy to just go get some and no report it so that’s what he did.

Goshiki- y’all want me to say arson don’t you?? Fine. He commits arson multiple times and kills 7 people with fire before getting arrested and he doesn’t even feel bad so in prison he probably fucking runs a gang he is crazy.

Nekoma

Kuroo- he is a capitalist and class traitor and that’s crime enough I don’t care is he’s attractive or rich, He commits crimes daily by just existing but I still love him anyway.

Kai- Could not commit a crime he just wants to garden and live his life. Jk there’s at minimum one body in that garden let him kill a man he deserves it just let him have one dead body

Yaku- he keyed someone’s car once just because they pissed him off. Was it kuroo? Yes. But that’s fine because he also keyed Lev’s car but blamed lev for keying kuroo’s and Kuroo for keying Lev’s. He just wants to watch the world burn.

Kenma- cyberbullying but man he is mean. Like no bars held we will dig into every insecurity he can and that shit hurts and he doesn’t even feel bad about it he will just be as mean as he can if you’re not careful

Lev- his crime is being tall and dumb also doesn’t understand the economy and prints counterfeit money because why can’t we print more money? The government should get on that.

Inuoka- He released all the animals from a zoo, like snuck in one night and just let them all free, I’m surprised the tiger didn’t eat him but hey the animals are free, there’s still some missing uh oh he’s very proud of himself for it. After the rush, he starts sneaking into shelters and freeing all the dogs and cats

Yamamoto and Fukunaga- Have egged a house before, it was Kuroo’s he deserves all this bullying and you can’t stop me.

Date Tech

Aone- Criminal Conspiracy, sure he had an entire foolproof plan to get away with the perfect crime but someone found out, and now his plans are ruined, damn </3 and no one ever suspects the quiet guy either.

Futakuchi- Having a prostitute, he just wanted some company like mans is lonely so he paid a girl to just spend a Lil time with him it’s all good.

Fukurodani

Bokuto- I know we all haha funny laugh at tax evader bokuto and sure maybe he evades his taxes but he’s also committed vehicular manslaughter, he cannot drive and has killed someone with his car maybe even multiple someones but he always drives off in a panic because he doesn’t know what else to do.

Akaashi- Hasn’t actively committed a crime but has been an accomplice in every vehicular manslaughter Bokuto has committed why the fuck does he keep letting bokuto drive? He really needs to stop that.

Konoha- A master scammer he is so convincing everyone gives him money even if they’re a little sus because he’s just that good each scheme is so convincing.

Inarizaki

Kita- He grows weed, you can’t tell me those rice fields are just for rice he’s got all this space he is growing marijuana and selling it, let him do it I want him to be my plug.

Atsumu- "What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."

Osamu- resisting arrest. He just said no and ran. Granted he shouldn’t have punched the cop in the first place to have to be arrested but like that’s not the point here.

Aran- accidental child abandonment, like he just forgot he was babysitting and left the kid alone for like a day. He felt terrible but he still forgot the kid and now is fearful of parenthood

Suna- owns an illegal weapon, like he just never registered it and keeps it around and would use it if needed Suna please just point the weapon at me maybe

Others

Terushima- Graffiti, he loves painting on the walls of buildings and tagging them, has so much spraypaint and his day isn’t complete if he doesn’t tag at least one building or train car.

Daishou- Public intoxication- he got a little too fucked up and stripped on the street he will forever have to live with everyone knowing he has an ass tattoo like damn bruh

Sakusa- Perjury he simply wanted to get out of court so he said some shit so he could leave granted he lied under oath but whatever, did they ever find out? No, so he’s fine and he’d do it again if it meant he could leave faster. Like sure he was a witness to a murder but bruh he pretends he does not see.

Hoshihumi- driving without a license he simply thought you didn’t need one because why do you need a piece of plastic to say you can drive a car like??? Just know how to drive it.

[badtusk]

Quick cover for my alternate universe Pokemon fanfic 

Riley doesn’t remember the “good old days,” not many kids her age do. Pokémon battles have been phased out, the Indigo League disbanded and the Elite Four remembered only fondly by those old enough to say they might have battled them. It’s not so bad, it’s hard to miss something you never had, but that never stopped anyone from dreaming - and Riley has big dreams. Chasing the whispers of a rumored underground Pokémon league, she hopes to challenge the new Elite Four and become a Pokémon master.

I usually don’t share my writing on here, but you can find the first installment under the cut here too c: 

"Are you sure you want to do this, Riley? I mean, there are easier ways to get a Pokémon than breaking into the Old Lab. Besides, there's no way they have any old pokéballs left in there, they probably got rid of them all when they turned the place into a museum. I'm sure The Pika Cabin has some great Pokémon you can adopt."

"Liv, the Pika Cabin only ever has Rattata and Pidgey. Maybe a Snubbull. You look me in the eye and tell me Rattata is a great Pokémon," said Riley.

"They're cute," it was a very poor lie. Liv never liked rodents, not since her brother's Pikachu made a nest out of her favorite boots. The thing had given her a good shock when she stuck her foot in without looking. She cried.

Her brother still brings it up every family gathering.

"I don't really care if they're cute," said Riley, "if I'm going to compete in the Cinder Circuit, I want something that's going to win. Every new challenger is going in with Rattata because that's ALL anyone has. I want something different."

"Cinder Circuit?" Liv asked with a here-we-go-again air. "Come on, Riley. PLU shut down Pokémon battling years ago. There's no super secret underground league."

"That's the point of a super secret underground league," Riley said, "it's super secret."

"Where'd you even hear about it, huh? And don't say Bruce."

"He said he got his Pokémon from the Old Lab, from some guy named Big Hoss," said Riley, "Apparently this guy runs the entire League with his own Elite Four."

"Oh come on, Riley, you know he's just messing with you. And even if he's not," said Liv, "what're the odds this Big Hoss guy isn't some kind of sketched out dealer or something? You're going to go in there and get yourself killed, or worse."

"Look, if you don't want to go in, you can stay out here and be lookout," Riley said.

Liv jammed her fists into her coat pockets, "Fine."

"Text me if you see anything," Riley checked her Pokégear for good measure, noting her 45% battery life. More than enough for a "Rangers are coming" text.

She tucked it away and exhaled a calming breath, looking out at the fence that kept them out. She pulled the mane of pink curls out of her face and fixed them into a springy ponytail. Stray wisps framed a soft tawny face, her eyes magnified by gold circle rimmed glasses matched to a jeweled ring pierced through her septum.

Her mother hadn't approved of the piercing three years ago when she came back from Goldenrod with it fresh in her nose. She didn't much mind it now, bargaining that it was better than stealing or doing drugs.

Riley would be sure not to tell her about tonight.

"Be careful," Liv said.

Riley pushed her way through a hole in the fence and made her way towards the Old Lab.

Professor Oak's lab lay a ruin of memory, strangled by overgrown vines and dark shadows. Their fingers digging deep into the old bricks, spreading like an infection until the whole building was locked behind an iron gate posted with ugly signs marked :DANGER: and :DO NOT ENTER:. Bold letters, bold paint, hidden beneath a layer of dust and dirt, warnings that seemed just as apathetic as the Rangers that patrolled the grounds, punctuated with an indifferent shrug.

They had tried once to restore the old building, stripping away the rot and root and every broken brick in between. They'd dressed it up nice and plastered posters within her walls to hide the holes they couldn't fix. Old news, championships long passed and won; They figured history might thrive here, a nostalgic memory to the "good old days" when people and Pokémon battled to become "Elite." Because this is where it all began. But even that wasn't enough to save the old lab or the new museum it had become. Old display cases collected in their filth, glass like winter's frost, muculent like soap, but far less as clean or pleasant. The curios of the bygone sat beneath a layer of dust so thick they looked more like crude sculptures, ready to fall apart at the softest sigh. Monitors hung as empty black picture frames, silent in their omnipresence, cameras too still bowed over corners, soft fuzz prickling the glass that bulbed their eyes.

For so long it sat here, among all its dust and all the creeping woods, fading into the static of a familiar background where it became its own ghost. Remembered fondly by teenagers all for the wrong reasons, graffitied into the walls and littered upon the floors.

Riley clicked on her flashlight. The beam of light cut through the choking dark, filaments of dust drifting through its stream. She swept its light from one end of the hall to the other, murky glass casting back glares in what little clarity they had left.

She couldn't remember what this place looked like when there wasn't a gate and all those signs. Not many people could though. It's life as a museum was short lived, shut down when the Pokémon Liberation Union came to rise saying that it promoted "old and dangerous practices."

The laws came with great backlash and still did, not many people were happy about it or the dissolution of the Indigo League. But time passed, as it's known to do, and soon those people were old and the new generation couldn't remember a time where Pokémon battles were the norm.

But - there were whispers, quiet whispers, ones you had to strain to hear and question even when you thought you did. They called it the Cinder Circuit, the last burning coal beneath the ashes of a bygone era, an underground league that ran all throughout Kanto.

Riley had heard of it from a friend, Bruce, who swore to its existence on the grave of his mother. Which always made Riley laugh, seeing as Bruce had two dads.

She was skeptical, most people would be, that was fair to say, but being the daughter of a Joy, the idea of an underground league was more than exciting. And it all started here.

She crept down the hallway, keeping her light low and away from the windows looking out. Empty nips littered the corners of the hall with crumpled candy wrappers and cigarette butts that reminded Riley she wasn't the only one who had been here, or, was here. But listening close she could only make out the sounds of the wind and the Rattata in the walls.

Her footsteps never echoed, quiet in the pillow of dust and debris as she made her way about the Old Lab, peeking in every door, hoping to find something more than the vast nothing of a worthless museum's worth of crappy curios.

Pi! The text notification made her jump, panic already setting in as Riley feared the worst. She fumbled to pull her Pokégear from her pocket, sticking her light beneath her arm as she did so.

It was Liv, "Did you get in?"

"Shit, Liv," she breathed, "scared the hell out of me." She texted back: "Yes."

Pi! "Find anything?"

"Nothing yet. Any Rangers?"

Pi! "Nope, you're still in the clear. What's it like in there?"

"Like your grandma's house."

Pi! "Lol"

There was an emoji that followed after the "lol," but Riley didn't have it installed. She didn't bother to ask what the white box with the X through it was. It wouldn't change the message.

She tucked her Pokégear away and flipped the flashlight back into her hand, fighting back the shadows that threatened to swallow the halls and great empty rooms of the Old Lab.

She swore she saw one move.

And chose to ignore it. That was much easier than admitting it had moved.

She made her way down into a great open room, introduced by a 63 point font, bold letter Impact sign that read "Professor Oak's Lab." Outdated computers lined the walls, blank monitors reflecting back Riley's own complexion there in the dark. Old machines no one knew how to use were still plugged into wall sockets that didn't work, strange contraptions all tubes and screens, buttons and widgets, valves and half cranks. Riley fantasized their purpose, but didn't quite have the mechanical imagination for it.

She inspected each, leaning in close and bathing them in the light of her flashlight. She ran her thumb over their serial plates, reading the numbers as if they'd allude to whatever it was that they were.

Behind her, another shadow moved.

Or maybe it was the same shadow.

She listed across the room, coming about to the circular, flat top pedestal settled directly at its center. A glass display case enclosed its top where three pokéballs nestled neatly within, a faded stickers on the glass read "Bulbasaur," "Charmander," and "Squirtle." Distracted, interested, either way and all around unknowing, failed to see the shifting about her as the black of shadows melded with the floor, shrinking away from the walls and leaving them bare, as if nothing more a dusty drape left to hide the Old Lab from the New World, now there in a puddle all it's own just behind her heels where red eyes peered up from its void. Glowing. Ominous and dreadful.

Riley tilted her light to the case and could see the device that would project the Pokémon's data on the glass were electricity still working in the Old Lab. "Just a display," she told herself "there's no way they're real. No way they'd just leave some Pokémon sitting out like this." And stepped backwards, directly into that puddle of shadow where her foot sunk half an inch.

Startled, she pointed her light to the ground and couldn't help the yelp of fear that bubbled in her throat as her eyes met those glowing red slits of playful hate.

She pulled her foot up and pressed her back against the pedestal as the shadow pulled up from the floor, two spiked ears first, glowing eyes next and a wide toothy grin.

"Oh shit...a Gengar..." Riley exhaled her nerves in some big attempt to look calm in front of the wild Gengar, but her voice betrayed her when it broke between her words "H-hey there buddy, this your place? Pretty cool." She gave the Pokémon a thumbs up as she slyly made her way about the pedestal, unsure of what her next move was going to be.

The Gengar watched her with that unflinching smile, the glow of its eyes casting new shadows across the Lab, all seeming to smile just as big as it.

It wasn't stupid, she could see it in his eyes, the same type of look any manager might give in hearing whatever lame cover up you had to being late that wasn't simply just "I slept in." It knew. And she wasn't ignorant to that fact. She had to be quick, but most of all - she had to be lucky.

Riley's gaze flicked down to the encased pokéballs, then back to the Gengar as the rather ill advised plan began to knit itself to fruition.

The latch that affirmed the glass case over the pedestal was old and worn, rusty about the edges and one good wrench away from breaking. Riley didn't know the first thing about breaking locks, but she'd broken plenty other things without meaning to, so she assumed it wouldn't be that hard. Or hoped so at the very least.

'Screw it,' she thought, 'I'm going to catch it.'

[punkscowardschampions]

Ronnie & Joe

Ronnie: where the fuck mckenna Joe: stuck at this thing Ronnie: like i fucking said Ronnie: where Joe: oh Joe: this kid from my course was doing open mic so we all had to show up Ronnie: youve done youre time then yeah Joe: overtime Joe: i wanna be home bad Ronnie: leave Ronnie: whats keeping you there Joe: them Joe: you know how people are Joe: buying me more drinks Ronnie: fuck em Ronnie: down whatever youre on & fuck off Joe: i will Joe: i am Joe: you picked up or am i Ronnie: its on you Ronnie: for the radio silence Joe: come on baby Joe: can't hear myself in here nevermind my phone Ronnie: not your fucking baby Joe: don't be like that Ronnie: i dont only exist when its quiet in your head Ronnie: thank fuck Joe: no one does then Joe: that's the whole point ain't it Ronnie: the point is where the fuck have you been Joe: i told you ron Joe: if i didnt have to i wouldn't be gone from you Ronnie: if you werent a pussy you wouldnt have to do fuck all Ronnie: grow a pair for christs sake Ronnie: baby is fucking right Joe: ive got to go out sometime Joe: if i didn't show to uni i couldn't afford half the shit we cop Ronnie: you aint at classes Ronnie: so unless some bitch off it is paying you to escort i call bullshit Joe: sadly not Joe: see if any of 'em are game maybe Ronnie: with 1 foot out the door Ronnie: you wish Ronnie: no fucking game when youre trying to play fuck all except cello Joe: 💘 for my cello skills Ronnie: youve got groupies Ronnie: go cry to em like Joe: you're sick of me, yeah Ronnie: work it out cunt Joe: we don't need to play games Ronnie: goin from baby to middle fucking aged aint cute Joe: you've got it covered for the both of us Ronnie: fuck you Joe: now I can't call you cute Ronnie: you cant call me old shithead Joe: i weren't idiot Joe: come on Joe: it'll all be good when i get there Ronnie: you come on Ronnie: I could be fucking dead Joe: you aren't Joe: don't say that Ronnie: no thanks to you Ronnie: or fucks given by you Joe: stop it Joe: you're the only person i care about Joe: literally Joe: not even myself Ronnie: & this is how you show it yeah Joe: i'm shit Joe: i know it but i never told you no different Ronnie: get another drink bought for you mckenna Ronnie: drown in it Joe: we got better plans Joe: and methods Ronnie: stop pissing about then Joe: will you be my baby again Ronnie: not that easy Joe: what if i get you something special Ronnie: do it & find out Ronnie: why the fuck would i commit to a yeah for a maybe Joe: 'cos you know i'm gonna Ronnie: your word is for shit Ronnie: i know that Joe: fine Joe: i'll stop talking Ronnie: promises promises baby Joe: 😶 Ronnie: left yet Joe: just me and my two feet Joe: no promises Ronnie: if you aint & youre silent on me to talk to some other bitch you wont be walking anywhere Ronnie: thats a fucking promise like Joe: if you were trying to get me to go faster Joe: why would i wanna talk to anyone else Ronnie: why else go out with those doss cunts Joe: part of it is keeping 'em thinking i'm normal Joe: can't just show up and nod out Ronnie: youre the only 1 with your ma on speed dial Ronnie: who fucking cares Joe: means i don't need to go back don't it Joe: or would you rather i was in dublin every other weekend Joe: i do what i gotta for a reason you know that Ronnie: theres fuck all need to have that many playmates Ronnie: if you planned that it was to piss me off Joe: i wouldn't need to plan that Ronnie: fuck you Joe: and i didn't Joe: they're boring Ronnie: 💔 Joe: i am Joe: i miss you Ronnie: you dont Joe: yeah i fucking do Ronnie: you fucking dont Joe: how do you want me to prove it Joe: tell me Ronnie: i aint spoonfeeding you ever day of your fucking life Ronnie: not that bitch Joe: you want it you ask for it Ronnie: you wanna prove yourself do it Joe: i will Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: picked a boss day for romance Joe: have i Joe: i'm always romantic Ronnie: dont you know what day it is Joe: oh Joe: lol yeah Joe: i'll get you garage flowers instead Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: theyll die quicker than you Joe: picky Joe: put the rig to another use after then Joe: 🥀 v classic Ronnie: ill carve it into my arm as you like it so much Ronnie: cheers for the easy design Joe: you could wait 'til I'm there Joe: so mean, baby Ronnie: course you wanna watch Ronnie: putting down the glass like Joe: if you don't know me by now Ronnie: so misunderstood yeah Joe: 💔 Joe: you wish Ronnie: yeah you know me proper well Joe: bollocks Ronnie: keep the sweet talk coming baby Joe: that's not what you like Joe: silence is golden Ronnie: you reckon you know what i like now Joe: yeah Ronnie: took you long enough Joe: you been waiting all your life yeah Ronnie: shut the fuck up Ronnie: puked enough today cheers Joe: see? s'your favourite Joe: can't get enough Ronnie: hating you fuels me Ronnie: aint denying it Joe: you're so welcome Ronnie: got that from your avoidance tactics Joe: i'll turn around then Joe: give you a real reason to live Ronnie: try it Ronnie: ill fucking kill you Joe: have to come find me first Ronnie: yeah & Joe: you threatening me with a good time ain't how this day is supposed to go Joe: know that much Ronnie: itll go however the fuck i say Joe: yeah? Ronnie: you know that much about me mckenna Joe: ain't denying nothing me Ronnie: too busy doing it round your besties Joe: 'cos i don't owe them shit Joe: only you get to know me like that Ronnie: you said you were killing the sweet talk Joe: it ain't its just how it is Joe: you know me Joe: no one else, end of Ronnie: come be with me then Joe: i am Joe: one stop but that'll be worth it Joe: come to mine and stay yeah Joe: don't wanna see the others Ronnie: ill be there before you Ronnie: few streets away Joe: good Joe: i like it when you're there Ronnie: want me to kick the door in so your flatmate girlfriend has a heart attack Joe: go on Joe: if she lives i'll say you forgot your keys Ronnie: ill say its your 💘 day pressie Ronnie: all for you baby Joe: if you're also in a mac, believable Joe: her boyfriend dumped her so she'll definitely be in Ronnie: tonights the night for that 3some Ronnie: hot Joe: only if you kill her first 😏 Ronnie: we need her tears for lube Ronnie: think it through like Joe: we've always got blood, baby Ronnie: keep it up & ill deffo stay Joe: forever Ronnie: ive been waiting all fucking day for you Joe: i'm sorry Joe: i'm making it up to you, alright Ronnie: i mean hurry up Joe: 🚖 it and everything Ronnie: your gf will be thrilled Ronnie: can hear her crying from here like Joe: maybe its the cat Joe: very similar Ronnie: watch your fucking mouth bitch Joe: 😂 Ronnie: 😾 Joe: you're both very cute Ronnie: say that again & well both fuck you up Joe: adorable Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: 👼 you Ronnie: you wish soft cunt Joe: nah Joe: but i'll survive Ronnie: you fucking wont Ronnie: i know you like Ronnie: & what you like Joe: 'cos its you Joe: all you Ronnie: ruined your gfs rom com Ronnie: shes gonna need some of whatever the fuck youre bringing Joe: too bad Joe: its for you Joe: i might have some benzos she can have though Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: its wild being here when you aint & she is Joe: rude of her to have her drug-fuelled orgies when i ain't in Ronnie: party can really start now i am Ronnie: know shes dying to break the tension Ronnie: 👊💋 Joe: won't make you wait for me on that score, babe Ronnie: like you could Ronnie: bitch is ready to go Joe: you trying to make me jealous of sophie Ronnie: wouldnt use her Ronnie: fuck that Joe: awh Joe: 👼 Ronnie: you trying to say shes hot enough to bait you Ronnie: step your pussy up mckenna Joe: no Joe: i'm saying if you wanted to i would Joe: i'd obviously do anything for and with you Ronnie: we aint taking her virginity Ronnie: youre hard enough fucking work Joe: shut up 😏 Ronnie: make me baby Joe: that's part 2 of the plan Ronnie: you gonna talk me through it or you gonna do it Joe: i know what you like Joe: and how you feel about talking Joe: even if it ain't no empty words bullshit Ronnie: youve still got your tongue Ronnie: means i must wanna hear some shit youve got to say Joe: that means i can tell you all how you won't regret giving sid my tongue as a toy when it can be yours Ronnie: you wont regret leaving those cunts there & coming back to me Ronnie: [pics from his bed like hey it's me] Joe: i already knew that Joe: but keep reminding me whilst i wait for the man Ronnie: you gotta know it harder Joe: you'll know how hard i know it Joe: i'll make you feel it too Ronnie: you can keep you fingers unbroken too like Ronnie: typing that shit while we both wait Joe: don't reckon much to a dealer's idea of foreplay Joe: and i've waited too long for you already Ronnie: youve gotta bring it to em baby Ronnie: junkie law states it aint a real addiction til youve sucked a dick for it Ronnie: romance him Ronnie: [pics again like these will inspire you] Joe: fuck Joe: how 'bout I stay up here on my high horse and enjoy just being addicted to you then Ronnie: how bout you come the fuck home Ronnie: now Joe: yeah Joe: i gotta Joe: i need to see you right now Joe: i got what i really wanted we can top up later Ronnie: ill go out then Ronnie: they plug me faster than theyll do it for you Joe: can't blame 'em Ronnie: yeah you still smell like 🍒 Joe: and they know they ain't getting nothing sucked Ronnie: you could do a toe Ronnie: dont be a pussy Joe: 😂 Joe: i think they'd rather my money Joe: not cute like you Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: big cal is well into it Joe: tempting Ronnie: hell tell you how pretty you are Joe: just what i need Ronnie: yeah i know Joe: nah you know what i really am Joe: and that's what i want Ronnie: ive got eyes like Joe: me too Joe: even when they're half-shut or pinholed Ronnie: cute Joe: you Ronnie: dont Joe: why Ronnie: cause fucking dont Joe: alright Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: forget it Joe: i'm practically in the door Ronnie: make me

[koganphrancis]

Last night’s Shameless was so bad, Cameron had to tweet this deleted shit to try to provide some context.

Here’s his caption: “Many notable scenes are cut each season, but I was really disappointed to see this beautiful bit of writing by Dominique Morriseau go. Hope we’ll get to see it in DVD extras.”

So once again I’ll deal with this stupid shit before I deal with the episode’s stupid shit.  I for one am grateful this bit didn’t make it into the show.  I’ll start with the obvious-it’s more dismissal/retconning of Mickey and not only what he did actually do for Ian, but also of what he meant TO Ian.  Fans over on Twitter are saying what Ian said was technically true-that Mickey didn’t tell him he was amazing or could be something.  To me that’s splitting hairs-if Ian was too dense to see that Mickey thought the world of Ian, that he thought Ian could do anything he wanted to, that’s on Ian.  Mickey, more importantly, never BLOCKED Ian from doing anything he wanted to do.  Ian had a better source of support than most people ever get, and the show keeps insisting that it didn’t happen.

The next thing that bugs the hell out of me in that speech is that IAN DIDN’T DO ANY OF THAT FOR MICKEY EITHER.  So, even if he one hundred percent believes what he’s saying, he’s also saying that he knows that was wrong, so where was he when Mickey needed someone telling him he didn’t need to be a thug/drug dealer/pimp?  

And beyond that-why didn’t Ian ever visit Mickey in prison then?  If he’s aware that having someone believe in you makes all the difference?  AND WHY ISN’T IAN THERE FOR YEVGENY?  So, sorry, Cam, this “beautiful bit of writing” sucked.  

I will say that cutting the scene made what happened between Ian and the girl and Ian and Terror completely pointless and meaningless, but, hey!  That’s Shameless for you!  

Now for the episode itself-read more if you dare...

It was so shitty I’m really not going to waste time on most of it.  A few bullet points:

Ian’s done mourning (at least this week he was.  Since every week everyone is acting completely different from the week before, maybe mourning for Monica will be a thing for him again?).

Ian still has his job despite running out before his shift last week.  I’m not surprised, but they don’t even address it?

Fiona says utilities are included in the rent she’s charging-um, really?  I don’t know anything about the housing situation in Chicago, but in Massachusetts utilities aren’t included because of the cost of heating in winter/cooling in summer-and even if Fiona doesn’t pay for whatever is heating those apartments, since electricity is included in the fixed rent wouldn’t people just buy a shit ton of plug-in heaters and let her carry the expense?  

The cock mug was back-but Debbie drank out of it, not Ian.

Ian took “a” med-guess they found he only needs one drug to keep all his symptoms in check?  

Lip dreamed about tits (sorry you had to direct that scene, Regina King-you deserve better), but not one of his dream girls looked anything like Snore, LOL.  Snore was only in the background at the diner for one scene-no lines.  She’s the new Liam.  I don’t get why they brought her back this season when they obviously cottoned onto the fact that she’s not that good an actress.  Lip winds up banging the kickass chick at  the bike shop, but they’ve telegraphed that she’s going to be a Sex Addicts Anonymous participant and Lip’s sponsor will probably wind up having to lecture him at some point.  Yawn.  Youens wasn’t mentioned at all in this episode-maybe they’re done with him too?  Lip bringing that one meeting to his house took care of that?

The stuff with Kev’s family was reminiscent of Frank’s time at the commune with the yurts and did anyone need more of that?  Also, I’m sorry if I was supposed to get indignant on Kev’s behalf that the Kentucky folk abandoned him to go into foster care-Kev has a son with Vee’s mother that he has nothing to do with either, so maybe put that rock away while you’re in that glass house?  

Frank being a turn on to any woman is something they’ve done to death and it’s more unrealistic each time.  

Fiona had some big cathartic thing happen from Sean popping up-not really though.  There was the typical trope of her spewing all her shit before Sean could say why he was there, so all she did was look like a jackass assuming he was back to win her fair hand all over again when he was actually there to make amends and tell her he’s married.  She said a bunch of stuff about never being able to trust him that Terror should’ve said in 7X12 in a final farewell to the series scene.  Fiona went on and on about how Sean ripped her world apart and he was the love of her life and all this shit that the show never showed.  It was such crap and do they really think we’re invested in any of it?  Had they shown her suffering/missing him after the wedding fell through, maybe, but they didn’t and it’s too late to convince us now.  (BTW Sean’s wife was young and pretty-of course she was.)  

The other Fiona thing for the week is that Nessa is her fucking toady at the apartment building-in constant touch with Fi and acting as her right hand when she’s not there...doesn’t she have a job as an accountant for an airline?  Isn’t that a pretty much 9-5 job?

Liam’s still in school, but Carl’s not in school?  What?  Also, Carl’s storyline is as boring as it is unbelievable and again I can’t believe that they expect us to be invested in it.  The veteran he’s going to help out-had no lines.  

Now the Ian stuff.  First off, anyone can just wander in the EMT bay where they keep the open, unlocked trucks.  The chick Ian helped in a previous episode turns up saying how he said if she needed help, she could go to him.  Then the cut scene should’ve happened, but all we got was Ian tucking her in on the couch and walking up the stairs, pausing to look back at her.  The scene was...weird.  The girl looks a bit like a poor man’s Peyton List-same moon face, just take Pey’s make up and hair extensions off and she could’ve played the role-and that just took me out of the story-we’re supposed to feel a bit anxious about Ian being involved with a teen here, so how ‘bout irl?  

Anyway, next time we see Ian, he’s waking up in his tiny bed with the girl laying there with him.  Damn Ian must be a sound sleeper if he didn’t notice someone crowding in there with him-remember, he’s only taking one med now, so I’m not buying that it knocks him out unless it was a Benadryl.  Ian’s only in boxers (so at least my prediction of never seeing him shirtless again didn’t come true-but who wants to see him topless with a teenage girl?), and he wakes the girl up and climbs over her and pulls some pants on.  She gets out of his bed in just her undies and a tight tank top and says it was creepy downstairs so she came up to sleep with him.  

So, in this week’s “there’s been no character development” highlight-here we have Ian acting as clueless as he was with Mandy in Season 1, when 15 year old Ian couldn’t find a way to let a girl know he’s gay/not interested in them/that it’s wrong for them to be all over him.  Let’s reset Ian to zero-forget all his life experience AND make him so dumb as a 22 year old that he doesn’t realize he needs to tell teen girls NOT to get into bed with him.  Nope, he just picks up her phone off his bed and puts his number in there so she can call him “the next time she needs a place to crash”.  

Lip sees the chick come out of Ian’s room-doesn’t even say anything about the age of consent or whatever.  

The girl must see herself out, because next we have Lip and Ian coming into the kitchen where Fiona has been sitting up all night smoking Lip’s pack of Camels.  Ian misses a perfect opportunity to tell Fi she’s lucky Sean’s married to someone else-he would’ve set a match to her life otherwise.  Ian’s wearing a tank top by now and he has a farmers tan and it made me sad.  

Next time we see Ian, Terror pops up in the truck bay at work.  He gives Ian shit about the teen girl, Ian says he was just trying to help, they try to argue but their lack of chemistry smothers that too.  Even though for once Ian sort of sticks up for himself and says, “Would you mind easing up a bit” (on the lecturing), it was just lame.  Terror says Ian can’t let kids from the shelter sleep with him, Ian says, “I’m gay,” (so, Terror didn’t know?) and that there was nothing sexual about it and he was just trying to help, but Terror says she’s an incest victim and these kids don’t know when something’s sexual or not (or something-I didn’t bother jotting it down).  For once Terror has a point, except he ruins it by making it all about HIM, as always.  He says it’s bullshit that Ian was trying to help (um, no it’s not?  He really was?) and that Ian’s trying to weasel his way back into Terror’s life, but then, instead of telling Ian that they’re never going to get back together, he just says, “do not use these kids to do it.”  UGH!  NOOOO!  That was as much as saying, “We’re going to get back together, but not for this reason.”  FUCK NO!!!!  DEVIL!!!!  Ian at least gives him a fuck you look to end the scene, but...

the next time we see Ian, he’s walking home in his bright red sneakers and Terror pulls up next to him in his shitty little Terror-mobile.  He gets out of the car and commends Ian for Teenie wanting to get into a junior firefighters’ program (which makes zero sense without Cam’s tweet).  Ian says something like did he do  something right or whatever, and asshole Terror says, “You’re not out of the doghouse-yet.”  NOOOOOO!  Not “yet”!  Fuck you, Terror, just walk away from this!  He’ll fuck you over and you know it!  You’re never going to keep him interested in you-no one knows why he’s ever been involved with you to begin with!!!!  Ian perks up like the kicked puppy he is with these assholes and says, “What can I do to make it right?”  Terror says he can help him find housing for the kids.  WHAT?  HOW?  Terror has contacts and ways of making that happen and he can’t do it-WTF is Ian supposed to do?  What a lame, obvious plot point to keep them “together”.  It’s such horseshit!!!  Anyway, Ian says, “OK, I can do that,” and fucking Terror says, “Thank you.”  I’m now predicting that Geneva the teen dies in the episode after next and Ian cries down at the docks and Terror follows him there to tell him it isn’t his fault, he tried, and then they’ll fuck and I’ll puke.  

The final scene is the family (and Nessa?) all gathered in the living room, and all it did was highlight what a pale shadow the show is of its former self.  They’ve lost whatever spark they used to have.  

A final thought: Terror’s eyebrows are really taking over his entire face.  In the scene in the EMT barn, they were all I could see.  They just sit there like big furry caterpillars and make his face even less expressive as an actor.