#we consist of one trans guy (aroace) one ???? (me) (aroace) and the cis girl (bi)

[arandombiped]

group chat photo

Found the image in the text from @whomst-call-ghonsbubsters

[fuckyeahasexual]

(aphobia cw, violence cw, suicidal ideation/suicide baiting cw, abuse cw)

About the ‘don’t tell anyone you’re ace, it’s tmi’. I’m aroace. I went through almost every single queer identity before finding it  because, like most aroaces, ‘i’m equally attracted to all genders’ coupled with 'i don’t know asexuality is a thing’ led me to believe i might be bi, pan, poly. bi ace, aro bi, lesbian? ace lesbian? just ace? etc etc etc. in fact, for a while i was biflux, but i have identified as aroace for the last 3 years. Anyway, i think these people know that cis straight people absolutely single you out if you don’t show attraction the opposite binary gender- say, if you’re a girl, and you never speak about finding guys attractive, men you’re crushing on, men you’re dating, men you’re interested in dating, male celebrity crushes, your sex life with men, your imagined sex life with men, your past with men, your exes etc etc etc then you will be singled out as queer. these are literal everyday questions that people face every single day. in every day conversations people will say 'wow look at that guy, what do you think?’ 'do you have a boyfriend?’ 'ugh my ex just texted me, exes are the worst. what’s up with your love life?’ eeeetc. ace people don’t show attraction to the opposite binary gender, and like lesbian and gay people, it’s fucking hard to lie about it. this is forgoing even romantic identities. after not showing adequate attraction to the opposite binary gender, straight people will see us as gay/lesbian (because ace/aro aren’t labels more people are familiar with, and most people who don’t show attraction the opposite binary gender ARE gay/lesbian) and wait for us to show attraction the SAME binary gender. when that doesn’t come, they’re like…well, they’re either a closeted lesbian, or just some weird type of queer that i don’t understand/don’t have a name for. i mean, clearly they’re not attracted to men?

For me, id'ing as every queer id but aro/ace, has led me to become accepted by peers, THANKFULLY. when i stopped mentioning i was attracted to people of any gender, realized i wasn’t, that i had been pretending for the vast majority of my life, people, OF COURSE, asked what the deal was. had i 'gone full lesbian’ (i know, straight people are a trip, as if you can choose your orientation/s, and what does 'full’ even mean, smh), that i could tell them, etc etc. when i confided in them i wasn’t interested in anyone- boys, girls, enbys- the violence i faced was indescribable. these people, these people who had been supportive of me, suddenly had it in their heads that i was…horrible, because i couldn’t feel something so human. and they were violent. because of my orientation. i’m not going to go into details of my abuse. people who are trying to make sure i’m excluded from safe communities that could have saved my life at the time don’t get to hear about that, especially since they were the reason i didn’t seek help from them. i was left alone, and i’m lucky i’m here

listen, aro/ace people face discrimination from cis straight people (i’m mentioning cis straight because straight trans people do not benefit from straight privilege but ofc cis aroaces are not discriminated against under cisnormativity, but heteronormativity) for both not showing attraction the opposite binary gender, and for feeling attraction to no gender. the only way to go about the threat of facing violence, stigma, discrimination etc, is literally by LYING. CONSTANTLY LYING. Lying that, again, if you’re a girl, you DO find men attractive, consistently agreeing with your straight girl friends when they mention it, inventing stories, inventing dates, inventing boyfriends, inventing sex stories, flirting, being on alert all the time lest you say something that 'gives you away’, always feeling like a fucking outsider but having to lie through your teeth to avoid violence.

people saying 'don’t come out as ace but to partners’ are perpetuating fucking violence. you want us to keep lying, pretending to be straight in order to not discriminated against, verbally/physically abused, etc? fuck off with that?

also, not all aces have partners. romantic partners are not the be all and end of all of people’s lives. aros generally don’t have romantic partners. you can’t tell someone 'lie about who you are so you’re not abused, only tell your romantic/sexual partner because they’re the only ones that are allowed to know you in your entirety’. Society doesn’t 'assume you’re straight until you get a partner of the same gender’, it assumes you’re straight until you don’t show exclusive attraction to people of the opposite gender, until you don’t show yourself to be straight (yes this can include getting a partner of the opposite gender). There’s no way an aro/ace, regardless of romantic id, can go about this world without being targeted as queer/not straight by straight people, unless they are making an active, every day effort to lie about their feelings. This is the same with literally every other queer/non straight orientation, which is why bi people don’t have straight privilege even in an 'opposite’ gender elationship.

also, to the people complaining that it’s a 'legitimate concern’ and it’s 'trash to say otherwise’ or w/e fucking else, which sparked me being so livid ('aces saying we don’t have a right to say this are 'insert insult’- not only are they, i’m willing to bet, not ace, and therefore don’t have a fucking say, but even if they WERE, they wouldn’t have a fucking say more than a lesbian could tell another lesbian 'hey don’t come out to anyone but your gf it’s tmi and this is a legit concern lol. instead lie about being straight so you’re safe from bigots, even if it kills you inside’. It’s wrong and bigoted. and staying silent can’t protect aros/aces more no more than staying silent can protect gay/lesbian/bi/pan/poly/omni/fluid etc people.

thanks for listening, i hope this was educational to the bigoted people, and if they’re reading this- i’m a survivor and this is very raw, i’ve been gaslighted to hell and back by 'exclusionists’ on this website who found my posts talking about my ace experiences, who sent me death threats, who literally suicide baited me for talking about my experiences- i hope this reaches you so you see how wrong you are the damage you’re doing, but if it does and you’re compelled to ANSWER or even COMMENT on it, don’t. don’t fucking touch it. have a modicum of respect, because that could send me spiralling in a very ugly way- and i’m saying this publicly because i’m sure if i didn’t say it’s very, very precarious for my mental heatlh, i’d get ugly comments on it, but hopefully being publicly asked NOT TO send me down a path i almost didn’t come back from deters potential abusers