#we are starting to have a bad feeling the application post wasn't very clear ^^'

[fentrashcat]

Tourettes Awareness Month, June 6!

Had a tic attack for the first time in a while today, and a post from thatdudewithtics (idk how they feel about tags so the post I'm talking about is here) got me thinking.

I want to talk about the frustration that comes with an unsteady disability, as well as my experience applying for disability. Today might get heavy. I'm also still exhausted despite taking a 4hr nap so I'm not sure how clear this will be 😅.

⚠️everyone with TS or tic disorders will have their own experience, this is just mine.

Disability Process

So I started my application on line, but was sent paperwork to do in person. My tics don't like paperwork. I only had one black pen and had yet to find the last one I threw the previous week (btw been almost a year and STILL haven't found it), so I was suppressing my fling tic to do this paper work. It took 3 hours to do 8 pages, the whole time fighting against my own body. Suppression HURTS. It also leads to a heavier retaliation later. The day after I did the paperwork I had a severe tic attack and had to leave work after only an hour.

After this they said I needed to meet one of their doctors. I expected this, had to rearrange my work schedule and find someone who could drive me. The day of was actually a good day for my tics, and the doctor seemed really nice and it was a good environment so while I was ticcing it wasn't extreme. I noticed the doctor focused more on my depression and anxiety, but thought we'd get to my tics after. We never did and I was a bit too anxious to be like "I'm here for my Tourette's". Ik it's kind of dumb, I need to advocate for myself better, but I just can't sometimes.

A few days later I see a file uploaded to my clinical notes at my GP. I hadn't visited them in a while so I was confused. Checking the letter showed that it was from the disability doctor, and showed that he not only barely listened to me, but that he hadn't even paid attention to the tics that happened in his office.

My disability was denied, of course. I appealed it and had to do some honestly VERY confusing online paperwork, in which I attach a copy of the doctors letter highlighting all the things he had wrong. Appeal was denied and to appeal AGAIN I'd have to find a lawyer. I can't drive, and I wouldn't even know how to start on that stuff so I kind of just dropped it. It was around this time I had issues at work so severe that my hours were cut to maybe 12 a week? I'm extremely lucky in the fact that I live in a house owned by family and my mom could cover my bills, but I know that won't last forever. The year before last I was covering my bills by paying my mom back over the month but I couldn't even do that now. I need to reapply but I know I'm not taken seriously, and I'll be denied again.

Semi-visible Disability

Tourettes is one of those things that when it's bad it's clear you have trouble, but when it's good it's almost unnoticeable. I've probably mentioned before my grandpa saying "talking to you like this, I would never know, but I've seen it when it gets bad." And that's probably the best way to sum it up.

On a low tic day people don't believe you or tell you it's not so bad, "you don't look disabled". On a high tic day people treat you Different. Either babying you or being afraid/anxious about your tics.

Not to mention the stigma around saying you have Tourettes Syndrome. Like I've been in a job interview and I usually avoid mentioning TS but my tics were acting up a bit so I had to explain. I could just feel the change in the interviewer, like they had been liking me but the moment I mentioned TS they were suddenly rushed to finish the interview and of course I never heard from them again. This happens in other situations too, but the job shit is what causes issues more in my life.

So I feel stuck in a limbo of "too disabled to work regularly" but "not disabled enough for disability" and it really really sucks. It's also frustrating knowing that no matter what I can't stop my tics fully.

Today's attack happened at my house, no obvious triggers or anything different, it just happend. I feel like I don't have control of my own body. I try my best to manage and prevent bad tics but I can't. I don't get to chose to not throw shit, or not do something painful. I just have to live with it, and it sucks. Obviously I try to stay upbeat, I cope with humor and I even think some of my tics are funny or kinda cute but it's still a disability. It still makes life so much harder than if I didn't have it. I'm tired.

Thanks for reading, sorry for today being heavy. I'm still really tired so I might be going back to sleep. Asks are open if anyone has questions.

[eclecticbasementenemy]

I've been wanting to get a little companion pet for a long time but I couldn't figure out one that would work. I LOVE cats but I'm allergic to them. I'm not allergic to dogs but I can't stand them. Guinea pigs and rabbits were both technically viable options but I've had both and we didn't really vibe because, well, sorry guinea pig and rabbit lovers but they're kinda dumb and skittish. Also I'd want to be able to have an outdoor run for them and that's just not possible.

Anyways, then I was reading a post about keeping rats and I realized they would make the PERFECT pets for me. Social, loving, but not overly needy like dogs are. Don't need a ton of space. (And by not a ton of space I mean I'm getting them a massive cage but I wouldn't feel bad about keeping them in a studio like I might with a dog or cat). Intelligent and easy to train, etc.

But ofc I wanna do this right so I've been researching rat keeping and I found out how incredibly important it is to get your rats from a good breeder that makes sure their animals are healthy and disease free.

Many many Google searches later, I found out there is one (1) actually good breeder in my state currently breeding rats. I assume this is because you can only sell baby rats for like $8-20 a pop so it has to be a purely passion project.

It's also actually difficult to find accurate information on rat keeping. Or it was until I caved and started putting "reddit" at the end of all my searches. Then I did find a wealth of carefully sourced and linked information. Guess it's good for something after all.

This one breeder, because it is a passion project (rightly) has an application for people to fill out. I, with fear and trepidation, because I am after all a former gifted kid and tests still give me heart palpitations, carefully filled it in with the info gleaned from Reddit about planned cages, food, handling, etc. (Which to be clear I am absolutely going to follow to the letter. I wasn't BSing to get some rats I am actually very committed to giving these little creatures the best goddamn lives rats have ever fucking had)

The breeder responded back that my application looked fantastic and they'd likely have some rats I could buy in February.

So there you go, I'm going to get a good grade in rat keeping, something that is both healthy to want and possible to achieve.

They're gonna send me some info on how to hand make fleece liners for their bedding and I've been compiling research on how to acclimate them to me and to the environment, litter training, shoulder training, when to start getting them used to walking on a leash, etc. So ig I'm a rat person now. Pretty excited ngl

[bbybrahms]

Coming out to tell the story of the Repo! Zine from discord. Idk if there are multiple Repo! servers so to be clear this is all from the server titled 'TESTIFY', since I don't want any other servers reps getting tarnished by this cus I'm sure they're doing a better job than whatever this is.

Maybe it's a case of ESH but I can't clear up anything in the server and already stuffs being said about me, so I'm posting here.

From the start the organisation of the zine was messy. It's a passion project on discord so I really don't expect perfectly organised perfection, but it was red flags from day one.

Firstly, before anything started, we were led to believe that it was going to charity, specifically a palestinian charity. For me, that was a leading motivator in applying. Although iirc one person argued against it being palestinian (suspicious), there were ppl looking at different charities and essentially it was very heavily implied by the end that would be what we're doing. Except this was never brought up again.

The lack of communication was astounding. Contributors weren't outwardly informed their application was successful, a channel was just silently made and roles silently given. It took weeks to get info on the dimensions/format/deadline etc. (the deadline was given 2 WEEKS before any info on filetypes and colour profiles etc) and a lot of the time it would be organisers going "idk I'll ask this person" "idk wait for that person to respond" just no respect for the creatives they'd gotten involved. Zero communication. Told us next to nothing for Weeks.

At this point, I wasn't seeing these as red flags I just waited for the info I needed then got on with it.

I submit my piece a few days early, then when the deadline comes I'm curious what the other contributors did so took a nosy peak in the folder (idk if this is frowned upon or not I just wanted to see others art and mine was in the same folder so I think it's ok?) But there's like 1/4 of the amount there should be in there and this is a small project to begin with. So I follow up and get told the deadlines actually moved (was this decided privately or could they just not be bothered to chase up late submissions? Idk?)

The deadline gets moved 4 times total - a lot of the time after the deadlines been, like they'd message day after for example like "btw deadlines moved". This drags the project out months more than it originally was meant to be. The creatives who submitted on time are told nothing, they just have to wait what will happen to their art.

A final deadline finally happens. They say it's final, everyone agrees. Many people have dropped out at this point and frankly I should have done the same, but since I had already submitted I didn't really see the point in calling quits so late.

After the deadlines been, there's no word. So a little while later (iirc just under a month but don't quote me on this), I chase up again about how we haven't heard anything. I get told the zines still on, the deadlines closed, things are in the works. This was early July.

In early August, someone else follows up and ask if the zine is still on and if they should post the work they made for their submission on their own. OVER A MONTH LATER(mid September), they are told they can post their work if they so please. In this same convo, a mod comes in to say they'll probably get started that week - and then ask what file type we're doing. The deadline was in June. The disrespect to the people who put hours of work into a submission for a fandom they obviously care deeply about. Not only is it months before anyone is told what's being done with their work, not only is getting a response like pulling teeth, the people organising reveal they've only just given a single thought to how they're actually going to put it together. I see this and while I don't really care about whether or not my submission makes it into the zine, I feel so bad for the other contributors who showed so much interest and enthusiasm for this project.

So first day of October (last we heard was in mid-September, deadline was end of June, whole thing began in April where the original deadline was 6 weeks), I'm like "whatever, I'm over this zine, I'll take the L and whatever discord mod wrath this server has to offer, and point out how poorly they're treating their contributors." So I tell them straightforward that the zine has been a mess from day one and that their lack of communication is disrespectful and rude, not responding for over a month is just lazy and again rude.

I'll just post what I said:

(I use light mode because I can't read light text on a dark background easily, so no one needs to go 'haha lightmode')

I absolutely stand by every word btw. The zine was a joke. The lack of respect for the creatives was just so bad, the lack of communication, the lack of organisation. All of it.

I get this in response:

one mod says "contact me if you want your piece removed" and the other mod says "if you contact anyone I'll report you for harassment"

Anyway... yeah. I get told I'M the one being disrespectful, they don't bother remembering I was the one who checked in TWICE (guess I'm forgettable that way), I get called disgraceful, embarrassing and told I should never work professionally at all?? and that I'm a disgrace to the art community. And that I'm overreacting. Haha ok.

I'd also like to bring back how we were all lead to believe this would be for charity. And suddenly it's no ones priority? Were the mods never intending to actually follow through with the charity thing or did they just forget completely since it was six months ago this was decided? Ig if anyone would be interested in buying a Repo! zine just donate to Palestine instead. Safer that way.

As you can see in the screenshots, I got timed out🫶 I can't respond to any of this and basically have to just let them lie about me never checking in and being a rude and horrible disgrace out of nowhere, also implying I don't have my own stuff going on which is Bold to say the least.

Seeing as this was the first time anyone got a response on the same day, I hope at least I helped the other contributors by spiting the mods into action? Idk? Regardless, I'd say I dodged a bullet and the mods showed their true colours. I don't want my submission used but if I contact anyone I'm getting reported (to who??) for harassment (it was one message) so I just removed my submission from the folder and hope no copies were made🤞

If anyone in the server sees this: I stand by what I said, please don't include my work, and see you round ig✌️

I don't think I'll join another Repo! server, I love Repo! it's a huge passion of mine, I'll continue making art for it when I feel like, but yeah. That's my experience in the 'TESTIFY' server. It kinda sucked.

[skzwritersclub]

for the prompt maker position, what sort of prompts should we send in? i'm kind of lost

in the application form, there’s a question that gives you a theme and asks you to answer with two original prompts (they will not be used anywhere, they’re just for us to see your creativity!). 

here’s an example of what a prompt looks like:

“main lead finds time capsule that leads them to meet someone new or learn a few surprising secrets.”

or you can go with a quote that sums up the prompt:

“remember when we made that band in second grade? yeah, how about we reboot it?”

I hope this answers your question! please don’t hesitate to reach out to us or the admins if you have more questions!

  - admin furat.

[poisonousquinzel]

Hey y'all, I really hate to be making a post like this, but in true 2020 2.0 fashion, life has been... rough.

I've been trying to get a job in my city since May, but I've been denied because of my health issues.

We also don't have a car. And our town is small so while we technically have a bus, it comes by near my house once per day and isn't reliable.

My mom can't work and my step dad's online work has been stretched dry recently so he's been making bare minimum for months.

I had been under the impression in the beginning of May that I would have the assistance of my parents in this, I've never done most of this before and they made it sound like my mom would help me.

However that wasn't really the case, personal stuff happened for them and I don't necessarily blame them for that, but then in June I got denied for a job because "I have too many health issues" and my step dad told me that we'd get back to it after my birthday. (Post 12th)

I've asked my step dad every morning when I wake up what we're going to do that day, because he had said he was going to be the one handling the job stuff when we started again.

And every day we've done whatever it is he said. We walked up to 7-11, turned in an application, looked up online jobs, etc.

We did the same on Wednesday and the only reason I didn't keep looking into more of them that afternoon was because I had a migraine. And when I have migraines they're not just headaches and they're not just migraines.

It's something I've been working through with my doctor about, because my previous long term doctor since childhood was completely incompetent at her job.

When I get migraines, it makes me nauseous. And being nauseated makes my heart slow down and I faint or collapse.

I can't sleep, it hurts to close my eyes or move them behind my eyelids. It feels like it's sparking against metal with every movement.

I've had to go to the hospital for it in the past when I collapsed into a pile of bags and was barely breathing, my previous doctor just... didn't look at the hospital's report on my visit. Like when I tell you in hindsight she really sucked, she really fucking sucked.

So, yeah, I slept a lot on Wednesday. I wasn't thrilled about it either.

And I told my step dad that I'd do all that stuff on Thursday.

My physical state was pretty visibly clear, I couldn't leave my extra darkened room without wearing sunglasses even though it was 8:30 at night.

But, then on Thursday instead I got into a really heated discussion with the two of them.

And... I am just very, very tired now.

I panic called my therapist 5 times in less than 10 minutes afterwards. It was a really bad day.

Thankfully I was able to get back to back emergency appointments with her and my doctor yesterday morning so dw emotionally wise. But I don't know how I'd be fairing if I hadn't been able to get those scheduled.

But Long Story Short:TLDR: we are a couple of weeks away from being on the streets.

Or in a shelter. We wouldn't be able to bring any of our cats. We would lose all of them.

I don't want to beg, but I suppose I am cause I'm terrified

We're behind on bills and next months are just around the corner, we've run out of local resources here that can help. I don't know all of the specifics, but I do know we're out of options.

If you're in a good financial situation and you feel like it, if you can, literally anything would help.

It'd mean the world. I don't want to end up on the streets or in a shelter, and I really don't want to lose my cats.

I can't.

They're the only thing keeping me going, so, please

PayPal •

its.me.ya.frustrated.girl@gmail.com

Cashapp • $Poisonousquinzel

reblogs and signal boosting are also super appreciated!!

[liljungie]

Pawn To Rescue | 1

Science Student Jungkook

Word count: 1.7k

*Italic is jungkook's thoughts*

Summery: Jungkook discovers a secret that the town's lab is hiding...or will he?

A/N: Idk I wasn't going to post this but I Highkey like it and I'm like eef it imma post it so tell me whatcha think of this...part 2 is almost done so I just want to see if yall like it or I'll scrap everything.

Masterlist

×

Jungkook throws his head back letting out a frustrated sigh. It's taking him a while to finish his assignment which was a rare occurrence. Since he's the top of his class. Straight A's. Perfect assignments. Never late. It frustrated him that human anatomy is taking effort of him to search and write about. Stepping away from his crammed desk he decides it's better that he takes a break or else he'll miss it up.

'It's a mess already' he thinks to himself as he takes a water bottle from his fridge making his way to the couch plopping down on it before turning on the TV. Breaking news was all over the channel. Jungkook with furrowed eyebrows changes the satiation only to find the one he changed to also has breaking news flash on the screen. He flipped through the stations only to be met with the same luck as the last. he leans back into the couch turning the volume up. 'Let's hear what's going on'

'Attention citizens...umbrella laboratory reported a breakdown early this morning causing patients to have ran away. Mark burnett the CEO of umbrella cooperation warns that if you encounter any patients that you turn them in without question. For your safety. That is all.'

Great. Just what this morning needed. Psychopaths running loose. Jungkook snorted. he glances outside to see people running inside. Hiding. He shakes his head before closing the curtains. His classmates sure are weird as hell. This is a college ground no one would break in. the building was gated all around it's impossible to walk through without ID.

They love to be dramatic. Without thinking much of it jungkook laid down on his double bed. Feeling restless. He drifted off to sleep.

A few hours passed and the sun had set. Jungkook was done with his assignment and now he was looking at the night sky. The stars were twinkling. It was so quiet that if a pin dropped you could hear it. A few minutes passed then he heard what sounded like twigs being broken in half. He didn't think much of it. Probably stray cats. But he heard it again so he stood up and looked outside then saw the Bush that is facing his window move again. His eyebrows furrow questionly. The wheels in his head were turning trying to make logic out of this. As the figure that was moving in the Bush size's is bigger than a cat but smaller than a bear...could it be a human?...no no..it can't be..

Until his eyes met the figure's eyes, it's eyes widen in fear and shock tgeir pupils dilated. then it moved further inside trying to hide itself from jungkook's eyes. His curiosity got the best of him he quickly jogged towards the nearest shoes he slid them on and opened the door and ran outside. Once he reached the Bush he stopped running and walked towards it slowly. The Bush branches moved suddenly which made jungkook's heart stop for a second. He glanced around but to his luck everyone was inside. No students were wandering around like the usual. Probably because of the news. He took a deep breath and approached the Bush again. his steps were hesitant but he needed to know what was hiding in the Bush.

He sqauted down glencing around again before he cleared his throat. He felt ridiculous but it wouldn't hurt to try. "You can come out...I won't hurt you" he softly spoke to the figure. their eyes stared at his. Then they looked at his hands. Jungkook raised them up quickly. Way to quickly which made the figure flinch and move further back inside. "Hey hey... look! I have nothing in my hands" he raise them up but moved them closer to the Bush so the figure can see them. "See..." he softly says the figure moved a little bit towards him but not enough. He still couldn't see them.

Anyone would be terrified if they were in jungkook's place but for some reason he didn't feel that way. The figure was far more afraid than he was. Obviously. They're hiding in a Bush if all places. Besides jungkook won a championship for being the fastest runner if anything he'd run away if the figure tried to lung themselves at him. "It's okay...I won't hurt you" he says again 'unless you try to hurt me' but the figure only stares at him. He sighs. This is so dreadful.

Was it even understanding him? By the looks of it..probably not. He knew he was being ridiculous but why not go all the way? he decides to ask a few questions to see if it understood him. "Blink if you can understand me.." the figure stared for what felt like a minute then it blinked. Jungkook let out a hearty laugh feeling relieved but soon that feeling went away. Humans need to blink! He felt so stupid. "That's not going to work..." he sighs. He needs more than a blink to know for sure if it understood him. Then his brain sparked with an idea. He smiles "Okay let's try again...shake the branches twice if you can understand me" the figure continues to stare at him but then the Bush started to shake twice.

At that he started laughing. Feeling like he accomplished something huge. "So you can understand me?" The bush shakes twice again and jungkook smiles with relief "I'm going to ask you a few questions if the answer is yes shake the Bush twice if no shake it once...got it?" The bush shakes twice. "are you afraid?" He asked. He wanted to facepalm himself of course they're scared. The Bush shakes twice once again. "I'm not going to hurt you..so..can you come out?" The Bush shaked once. His head fell with disappointment. He wanted to know what was hiding behind the Bush so bad. Or did he lose his mind and now he's imagining all of this? Frustrated he rubbed his face. "Aren't you hungry?" The bush shakes twice. The hope ignited within jungkook. "I have food...look...that window is my room" the figure's eyes moved to where jungkook pointed "...if you come out I'll give you lots of food wouldn't you like that?" It was silent for awhile. Seems like the figure was thinking it through. Jungkook stayed put afraid of scaring it away again. The Bush shakes twice again and jungkook smiles. "I'm gonna step away so you can come out yeah?" He stood up and took a few steps back before he crouched down again. Waiting."you can come out now...see I'm far away from you..I can't hurt you.." he reassures. He hears the figure let out a sigh before they started to crawl out of the Bush. Then Jungkook's eyes widen with shock.

The figure is a girl. She looks younger than him but only by a few years. She had a small cut under her left eye. It looked fresh so he figured it was from the Bush branches. Because the same cut was all over her arms and legs.What made jungkook's blood pressure go down was seeing the torn apart gown. It was the lab's gown and he knew that because Umbrella's logo was on the collar of it. She is one of the runaway patients.

Jungkook fell backwards at the realization. He was speechless he only stared at her as she sniffled and stared back at him. She sat on her knees not knowing what to do. She started to look around her and up at the dormitory building. She looked lost and so..out of place. Seems like she never saw anything because she had this look in her eyes. She was very amused by all of this.

"Holy shit" was the only words that came out of his lips. "You're umbrella's patient" her eyes snapped towards him when he mentioned the lab. she stepped back into the Bush. Not caring that the branches were cutting her skin again. jungkook moved towards her holding her by her arms to stop her from moving further. His fingers were digging in her skin "no no...don't be scared!" She tried to shake his hands off but he was much stronger. He pulled her back out. Panicking he said "we can't stay here we have to go inside...I'm not going to hurt you I promise!" He tells her. Praying to whoever was listening that she complies.

Jungkook hated doing this. But the only way she would comply is if he scares her into going inside. "If we stay here umbrella is going to catch you! or one of the students are going to turn you in...you have to come with me" jungkook tells the poor girl who only stared at him with a horrified expression. "You can't stay here the Bush makes too much noise you'll get caught...come with me it's safer inside" he tells her again. His heart was beating uncontrollably. What he was doing is extremely dangerous. But he wasn't going to let this opportunity pass him by.

What kind of understudy scientist would let this slip?! Jungkook needed this for his application. He can't get caught. If he kept her. to study her. and figured out why umbrella hid her and many others and demands for them back so desperately they must possess something strong. Where they have to keep them in a laboratory he could be one of Umbrellas scientists. Which was his dream. His life goal. And Umbrella would do anything to keep the information Jungkook is going to find out hidden.

The poor girl stands up hestaily. Jungkook smiles and takes off his jacket helping her put it on then zipping it up for her. She stares at him questionly. She is his golden ticket to work with umbrella the least he could do is give her some answers. "You can't be seen like this, you're wearing a hospital gown they'll take you away" he tells her she looks down at herself then looks up at him. He can see and sense the fear in her eyes. But he vowed not to give her up. Not yet. Not until he was done with her.

"You'll be okay" he tells her placing his arm around her guiding her towards his dorm room.

He crossed his fingers that no one catches him. And just hopes that hiding this stray human being in his dorm is worth it.

[definealetheia]

Note to self when I feel like I'm going insane (unfinished)

STOP OVERTHINKING!

Sit back, relax, and take deep breaths.

Listen to chakra tune up meditation music. Unblock your chakras and let the energy flow through your body.

Don't intentionally block your heart chakra. Stop suppressing your feelings, whether it is good or bad. You have to deal with them and heal your wounds. The more you suppress your feelings, the longer your agony will get.

Do you still have doubts about the connection?

Remember that you have already let go of the label Twin Flame. The question whether he is your Divine Masculine or not is not important anymore. The Universe may or may not give you the answer after all. BUT you can honor what you feel is true. You love him. This is your truth. You don't need the Universe to tell you that.

It is okay to doubt the connection sometimes. It is normal to experience doubts and fears in this journey. It is scary and full of uncertainties.

I don't get why other twins refer to someone they meet as "catalyst" who will activate your awakening and you believed as your twin but ended up as otherwise. Same logic goes for false twin. I don't get it. I don't think there is a false twin or a catalyst. That person is either your twin or not. Why would you need a catalyst to activate you? Your twin can do that himself. It doesn't make sense to me. People who started their spiritual journey even before they met their twin were awakened due to several possible reasons. May be because of traumatic experiences or they come from a spiritual background. As for those who were not awakened until they met their twin, I don't understand why the person who activated them ends up only as a catalyst. What for? You will only recognize that person as a catalyst once you meet your true twin. And then it would be like you're restarting your twin flame journey with your true twin! Wth.

Remember the reasons and synchonicities that lead you to believe he is your twin.

He activated my spiritual awakening.

It was August 29, 2018. I met my twin online right after I graduated from grad school. I finished another milestone in my life. I finished a job contact and ready to start a new life. I was optimistic about the future. I've been single for years and thought it would be nice a start a new one. But I didn't want to start a relationship just for the heck of it. I wanted to find the one. I've been saying this to the Universe for a quite some time. I might have manifested it when I met your twin without knowing it.

I've been suffering from MDD and GAD for years. I was in medication and went in and out of hospitals after every suicide attempt. For a long time I was suffering from an existential crisis. I did not know who I am or why I am alive. I did not have dreams of my own and was just living to fulfill the expectations of my family and society. I did not have any goals nor did I have reasons or motivations to pursue anything except meeting others' expectations of me. I needed to finish school and establish a good career, help my parents, and then have my own family. As good as those things were, I did not have the right motivation to do that.

I have always felt I don't belong anywhere. I was bullied in school and even at work. It made my depression even worse. Everywhere I go, terrible things always end up happening. I always felt uncomfortable, unsafe, and being wronged by people. I felt unlucky and miserable all the time. Everytime I try to turn my life around and gain a little hope, terrible things happen and that little hope I had get taken away from me.

I was never religious nor spiritual. Having a master's degree in Philosophy, I have an extensive experience on critical thinking and being skeptical. I don't label myself as agnostic. In fact, when it comes to my spirituality, I refrained from associating myself from any religious group or any spiritual belief. However, during one Philosophy class where we talked about religion where some of my classmates studied in Catholic seminaries, I remember sharing that I don't believe in (Christian conception) God but I do believe that there is someone or something, maybe it be metaphysical, divine, or a force that governs everything in the Universe.

I have always had the affinity to look at the sunset and the night sky. I has been part of my routine. My childhood dream was to became an astronaut or astronomer. But life happened. Part of my routine was talking to the Universe while watching the night sky. Whenever I feel suicidal I always tell them that I don't belong down here. I want to be among the stars. That's where I feel I belong, not here. I talk to the stars as often as I can. They saw me cry and all. They let me know they are listening by showing me shooting stars. I even saw asteroid Juno and other comets during one of my nightly routine. It always feels magical when they show me how beautiful the Universe is.

Recognizing the soul connection

I have been interested in Japanese culture and martial arts. I've been practicing a japanese sword martial arts since January 2017. Since I wanted to learn the language, I installed a language exchange application on my phone and that's where I met him. To be honest, I was open to the thought of possibly meeting someone online but I did not realize that I would actually meet someone like him. I met men who were more interested in flirting with me than learning another language. That's very common online. But I was not interested in them but when I met my twin, I did not know that from then on, my life will turn bat shit crazy. I was just following ramdom people on the app but I also made sure they did not look sketchy or suspicious. He followed me back. He suddenly commented on a picture I posted of me and my cat and then he sent me a private message. My first impression of him is he was very flirty and straithforward with giving compliments, unlike most Japanese I talked to who were polite and unsure of themselves. When I looked at his picture, I immediately felt something different about him especially when I looked at his eyes. But I couldn't put my finger on it. I never felt anything like it before. I felt like I knew him. There was a sense of familiarity and comfortabilitily. We started talking on Line, sent audio messages, and even talked on video call for hours. He send messages when he wakes up, goes to work, while working, coming home, and before sleeping. It like was a honeymoon phase of a relationship. I told myself it was too good to be true.

I needed to know more about him so I asked him if he was single. He wasn't. I felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown at me. He was still flirty and acting like there's more to us than acquaintances. But because of that reality check, I kept asking myself where I stand. Sometimes he treats me like a girlfriend all then all of a sudden he acts like a stranger. When the conversation gets hot and he becomes more flirty than normal that's where I remind him that he has a gf and I don't want to be in a third party. He told me they haven't talked for a while and he felt lost. I felt worse. I felt like he was just bored and wants to use me to fill in the void. Since I knew I was falling inlove, I made it clear to him that if he wants to continue talking to me like we are in a relationship, then I want to be only one. There should be no other woman. He couldn't give me an answer. He always dodged the question to the point that I get frustrated and just drop it. Add the language barrier to the mix. During one of our arguments, I kept asking him how he really felt about me and his answer was that he wanted to meet. I did not expect that answer. Even if I agreed to that, I reminded him that he has gf and he just told me they hadn't talked.

When he came back to Japan from one of work trips, that's when things went downhill. He used to give me updates on where he was or what he doings but that time I did tell me he already came back. His messages became short. Sometimes just one word. It's obvious he didn't want to be bothered or he just didn't want to talk to me. There were even sarcastic messages. It was my cue to leave him be.

We stared with talking to each other all day everyday until it became more and more seldom. There were days when he wouldn't talk. Then a sudden message after days of silence. I did not chase him or beg him to talk to me. But I once told him how I sad was that he changed. I was crying a lot. My heart got broken so many times. October 2018 came and after over a month of the honeymoon phase, he finally ghosted me.

Kundalini awakening and rising

I became more and more depressed and desperate for answers. I kept asking the Universe: Why did this happen? What was the point? I closed myself off for years and stopped dating after experiencing traumatic relationships. Right when I finally decided to take a risk, open my heart, and love again, this happened to me? I did not understand the point of it all. Letting another person in and then he just breaks my heart? This was the last chance I gave myself to love and this shit happened. Before I met him, I told myself that if I ever meet someone and fall in love, it will be the last time. I want to me the one. I am tired of being hurt so many times.

I was so confused. I was hurt, angry, and frustrated. Wanting to find the answers, I started watching tarot readings on Youtube. I never believed in Astrology. I was too skeptical for that. But I watched hundreds of readings out of desperation to find the answers. I got mixed result on the readings. There were times that the readings resonated so much that my mind was blown so many times. But there were others that just made me more confused and paranoid. The best takeaway from those readings is that divine timing is at work. I have to trust in the Universe and give them space to work things out. I can't force things to happen. The only thing I can do is set healthy boundaries and don't let anyone treat me like a doormat.

I spent the next few weeks just watching readings, crying at night, and trying to cope with the pain. The readings said that there will be communication and it did happen. By the time happened, I literally said "this shit is real." I was surprised that he messaged me and asked how I was. But after the inital shock, I was overcome by anger and hurt. He wanted communication just when I was starting to gain balance and not think of him that much. I was torn between telling him off and just accept that he is back. I replied 2-3 days later telling him I'm doing good.

The communication started again but I was seldom. He called me on 11/11 but I couldn't answer. He just randomly sends a message after a few days of silence and or calls all of a sudden and then disappear again. So flakey! I got fed up and set my foot down. I asked him why he wants call or talk to me. He said he always wanted to call and enjoys being with me. I called out his BS. I reminded him that he stopped talking to me. He can't just come in and out of life as he pleases. He should stop playing mind games with me. He just said to me "Oh don't say that 😭." I told him I deserve an explanation and tell me why he disappeared. He said he did not disappear. I told him it hurts me that he's not being honest with me. He said he was being honest. See the pattern here? I asked him again what happened and he just answered "I don't remember." That was it. I told him I'm a very patient person (I'm a fucking Taurus okay) but he pushed me too far. I won't ask anymore. It's obvious he didn't wanna answer. I'm done.

I was livid. I'm done dealing with a player and emotionally unvailable jackass. That's the start of our separation. It was 11/12.

I spent the rest of November dealing with rollercoaster of emotions. One moment I'm angry, and them I'm in pain, and then lonely ect. It was a torture. There were times when I went into relapse. I thought I have officially gone insane. I just wanted to die.

The first time I came across the term twin flame was through watching tarot readings. I never heard of the time before even when I met my twin. I wasn't interested in learning more about it at first. All I know was that it was different from soulmates and it was rare. I have never thought of myself as special (just different) so I did not think I needed to know about it. But curiosity got the better of me and finally decided to do some research. Lo and behold, I resonated with most of the signs that were listed. The things that happened to me made more sense now. But that was not enough to convince me.

More and more meditation music started appearing on my youtube suggestions. It was December when I finally decided to try a guided meditation. It's my first entry. I felt the urge to do it more and more often until I came across a meditation to awaken my spirit. Before this entire journey I would never think of trying it but since I have been activated, might as well continue on improving myself. I played the music when looking at the sunset. When I came to opening the third eye, I started seeing particles in mid air. They look specks of light or little transparent bubbles floating around. As weeks went by I seem them clearer. I don't even have to concentrate or be in meditative state to see them. I see another invisible layer in my environment as well. I see rain or drizzle even if it's not really raining. I also see "rain" and particles even indoors now. As long as there is light. I tune up my chakra almost everyday. I don't feel right when I don't meditate in a few days.

10/13/2019 ~ 2:41 PM (this has been saved in my Drafts since Jan/Feb -- I'm not sure anymore)

[xtruss]

“Shameless War Criminal Bloody British Bastard Blair” Lectures the World on Military Strategy, With No Word of the Deceit He Engineered For an Illegal Assault on Iraq 🇮🇶, Syria 🇸🇾 and Afghanistan 🇦🇫

— 6 September, 2021 | RT

Former War Criminal Bloody British British PM Tony Blair sees himself as a colossus on the world stage – climate hero, peace maker and thinker for our times – seemingly unaware that many people view him as a ‘War Criminal’ who deserves to be put on trial and throw him behind bars to “Stay, Rest, Rot and Burn in Hell Forever.”

Since he left high office in 2007, there really is no subject in the world on which Tony Blair is reluctant to express an opinion on, buoyed by an unsinkable self-belief and an apparently total absence of self-awareness.

He’s convinced that a huge appetite exists for his latest musings, that French President Emmanuel Macron is desperate for his help in tackling the radical Islamist problems of the Sahel, that US President Joe Biden lies awake at night asking himself, ‘What would Tony do?’ and that the British public has forgotten he took the country into a catastrophic war against Iraq that both the United Nations and even his own government inquiry determined was illegal.

His acquiescence to US demands for an attack on Saddam Hussein earned Blair the US Medal of Freedom from George Bush and 20 years of opprobrium from the British public, which has only increased as the years have passed on par with his own immense personal wealth. A poll in 2017 found a third of the British public would like to see Blair put on trial as a war criminal.

But that’s not something the ex-PM likes to dwell upon. So his speech to the Royal United Services Institute (RUSI), almost 20 years to the day since the terrorist attacks of 9/11, made no mention of what followed those unforgettable events: dodgy dossiers, suggestions of bunkers full of weapons of mass destruction or of the purposeful lying to the British people.

Rather than learn any lessons from recent history, like when to wage war, Blair’s appetite is clearly undiminished, as he moaned, “Western societies and their political leaders have become quite understandably, deeply averse to casualties amongst our Armed Forces.” This, in his view, had become, “an overwhelming political constraint to any commitment to Western boots on the ground, except for Special Forces.”

It’s all Biden’s fault apparently. Blair said, “It is clear now – if it wasn't before – that America has decided that for the foreseeable future, it has a very limited appetite for military engagement.”

‘First order security threat’ akin to revolutionary communism: Afghan war didn’t solve radical Islam, Tony Blair says. War Criminal Bloody British Bastard don’t like to talk about “Radical Christians Terrorists, Radical Saffron Hindu Terrorists, Radical God’s Fucked-up People Zionist Cunt Terrorists,” because they can give him a deep f*** and stop paying him to propagate spew filth against Muslims.

Well, yes, Mr. Former Prime Minister, it is true that the Americans have made no secret of the fact that they are sick of fighting ‘forever wars’. But us Brits also do not like to see the lives of young men and women who have signed up to serve their country sacrificed at the altar of political self-aggrandisement. We are now a little less gullible, a little less obliging when it comes to fighting unwinnable, neverending battles and somewhat more suspicious of our glory-seeking political leaders. And that’s all largely down to one person. You.

It’s strange Blair doesn’t acknowledge this. One thing’s certain, he knows his geopolitics; hell, he even has his own eponymous ‘global institute’ packed with researchers, academics and leading experts to tell him what to think and say about the key issues of our time. With one exception. Do. Not. Mention. Iraq.

The exclusion of that country’s name from the conversation is obvious. In looking forward, Blair said that Europe – insisting “for these purposes Britain is part of Europe like it or not” – faced an immediate challenge from the destabilisation of the Sahel and was “already facing the fallout from Libya, Syria and elsewhere in the Middle East.” Err, by ‘elsewhere in the Middle East’ could Blair possibly mean Iraq? Probably, but let’s not risk spoiling a pleasant chat.

And in the face of that perceived threat, which in the Sahel until now has been largely handled by France, Blair asked, “How do Europe and NATO develop the capability to act when America is unwilling?”

Blair clearly sees military action as an imperative – I’m not sure everyone else agrees – but he also thinks the capacity of Western policymakers to think strategically needs to be reinvigorated.

“For me, one of the most alarming developments of recent times has been the sense the West lacks the capacity to formulate strategy,” he said. “That its short term political imperatives have squeezed the space for long term thinking.

It is this sense more than anything else which gives our allies anxiety and our opponents a belief our time is over.”

Now the picture is starting to become clearer. While Western governments are distracted from war by the need to focus on rebuilding economies, fighting worldwide health crises and seemingly perpetual election cycles which inhibit their ability to think long-term, they need big thinkers, top-shelf statesmen and global heavy hitters to work out how to bomb the citizens of far-off places into oblivion through drone strikes, how to convince a sceptical public that it’s a good idea to send servicemen and women to their deaths and – most importantly of all – how to create the right PR buzz around those decisions, so that everyone feels comfortable about falling into line.

Those Western governments need men just like Tony Blair. He’s free most afternoons, if you’d like to schedule a Zoom call. Just don’t mention the war (on Iraq).

“War Criminal, Boak Bollocks Bloody British Bastard Tony Blair” calls US Afghanistan withdrawal ‘imbecilic’ – What, then, was the Bush-Blair invasion of 2001?

— Neil Clark is a journalist, writer, broadcaster and blogger. His award winning blog can be found at www.neilclark66.blogspot.com. He tweets on politics and world affairs @NeilClark66

— August 22, 2021 | RT

War Criminals Bush and Blair met in Washington to discuss the ongoing operations in Afghanistan, November 7, 2001. © REUTERS/Win McNamee

“Serial Warmonger and War Criminal Bloody British Bastard Tony Blair” has blasted the US decision to pull out from Afghanistan, but history tells us the real madness was invading the unconquerable country in the first place.

Former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair –aka ‘The Blair Creature’– is not a happy bunny this Sunday, folks. He has said that the decision to withdraw western forces from Afghanistan was made “in obedience to an imbecilic slogan about ending the ‘forever wars’.”

What he calls the US’ ‘abandonment’ of Afghanistan was “tragic, dangerous and unnecessary.”

In fact we could say the same about Tony Blair himself – and certainly the wars of choice he promoted.

Imbecilic? That’s the perfect word to describe what happened in October 2001 when Afghanistan was invaded in response, we were told, to the terrorist attacks of 9/11, even though none of the terrorists were Afghan nationals.

Had Blair read just a little bit of history, he would have pursued an exclusively diplomatic path to try and get Osama Bin Laden handed over and not have been so keen to send in the troops.

As I wrote in the Daily Express in 2009 in an article entitled ’Afghanistan: History repeats itself,’ “‘That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history,’ said Aldous Huxley. Nowhere is this more applicable than in the case of the many unsuccessful attempts by foreign powers to conquer Afghanistan.”

I went on: “The mighty forces of the British Empire failed three times between 1839 and 1919. The Soviet Union, which at the time had the largest army in the world, tried in 1979: they too were defeated.”

But in 2001, Blair and the then American President George W. Bush thought they would buck the trend. They could topple the Taliban (which they did) and remake Afghanistan – a deeply conservative and very religious country – in the western secular image. Afghanistan would be transformed from a ‘failed terror state’ into a ‘functioning democracy.’ What folly. What imperial arrogance.

Today, Blair is busily trying to spin the invasion of 2001 as a ‘success.’ But, while some things did improve, 'Operation Enduring Freedom' certainly didn’t bring peace to Afghanistan.

According to the UN Assistance Mission in Afghanistan, 579 civilians were killed in aerial operations between January and September 2019. That’s more than double the amount ten years earlier. Nearly 111,000 civilians have been killed or injured in the country since 2009.

Far from bringing stability, the 2001 western military invasion, just like the 2003 invasion of Iraq, was a major cause of instability.

I recall chatting to a friendly Afghan taxi driver a couple of years ago and saying to him how I’d love to visit the country to see its great natural beauty. “Don’t go,” he said. “It‘s far too dangerous. You would be targeted.”

So much for Afghanistan being ‘safe’ post-invasion.

Whenever the US withdrew, we would have had scenes of chaos. But the Americans had to pull-out at some point otherwise its forces would have been in Afghanistan forever. That doesn’t seem to concern ‘The Blair Creature’ too much. ‘Forever wars’ aren’t a great problem to him or indeed the ‘Inside the Tent‘ political and media figures who promote them. They are, though, for the soldiers who die in them, and for their grieving families.

‘But the US and British forces could have stayed in a support role,’ we’re hearing. But, as was pointed out last week, there is a word for countries whose governments only endure because of foreign military support. The word is “colony.”

Blair and his supporters are tacitly admitting that Afghanistan, billed as a ‘sovereign democratic country’, was actually a colony. I thought ‘imperialism’ was supposed to be a bad thing that we’re all supposed to be ashamed of. So why is it ok when it comes to Afghanistan?

Afghanistan is virtually impossible for foreign powers to subjugate. There’s its hostile terrain, its harsh weather, its fiercely independent people who are very brave, very tough and are highly skilled in mountain warfare. But anyone who’d read the history books would have known all this and not intervened in the first place.

Tony Blair, with his Messiah complex, thought he’d be different. He could succeed in Afghanistan where other, lesser mortals had failed. But the ‘new’ neocon empire met with exactly the same result as the old empire did. Wasn’t it ‘imbecilic’ to think it would be any different?