#we acknowledge he can be a bit of shitter it's why we like him

[butwhatifidothis]

That “Edelgard fans take away her agency” thing is so funny because everything you complains about regarding Edelgard’s “santized” portrayal in fics? All that’s exactly what Edelgard-Antis do to Claude/Dimitri - especially in AM/VW fusion fics.

As someone who's read more than her fair share of AM/VW fusions I can confidently say that you are pulling that fresh out of your ass lmao

[tubendo]

Excerpt: The Divine Child (pt2)

A continuation of the excerpt found here: https://www.tumblr.com/tubendo/734417296947380224/excerpt-the-divine-child-original-fiction

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So, Alessio approached the bar, and raised a hand to the bartender, who looked at him for a few seconds, "Outsider, ey? Here for a drink, I presume."

"Why else?" he jokingly asked the man, leaning himself up against the bar, "Some wine please. Red, preferably not the expensive old shit."

"Ah, straight to the point." the bartender acknowledged his brevity, "Well, I've got some stuff from up the Ivagia, only fifteen denars for a bottle."

"Just a cup will be fine."

"Okay, that'd be three." he gave the price, Alessio dropping the coins on the bar in front of him, and the bartender turned around to pick out the bottle of red wine, pouring it out into the ceramic cup that sat on the bar.

He gave the man a smile, before taking a swig from the cup; the wine was bitter, but he didn't mind it, wanting something to relax him a little after all the exercise he'd done. He then glanced around, picking up the cup as he looked for somewhere to sit himself down.

"Did you want something to eat too, friend?" the bartender asked, and Alessio tilted his head in thought.

"Well, I might in a bit, I just want to relax. I've done a lot of walking these past few weeks." he explained himself, before approaching a bench where people were sitting; the communal dining areas were going to be of use, and if he did a little socialising, it would only help his efforts.

When he sat down, nobody immediately addressed him, but he didn't mind that, paying attention to the conversation between two young men down the table.

"So, how is the clean up going?" one asked the other, who seemed frustrated, probably because of the damage the storm had caused.

"Oh, as well as you'd guess. Father's been in the shits ever since it happened, keeps at the cleaning and complaining."

"About what though?"

The young man narrowed his eyes, "The old gods. He keeps saying that they're trying to warn us against following the Divine Emperor, with the comet and lightning strike and all that." he explained, and shook his head, "I think he's just looking at this all the wrong way. It doesn't have to be some divine retribution... the Ivagia just floods when it rains a lot, and this summer's been a shitter."

"You can say that again. I don't think I have a shirt that doesn't just smell like sweat. I can't wash it out anymore." the other man acknowledged with a snicker, "The rain's brought some cool weather though. I can actually get outside and train now."

"Oh, so you're really going to try and become a soldier, Marco?" his friend asked him, seeming sceptical of his ability.

"Certainly. I need to get some denars to help fix up the house, and make sure Mum can keep her weaving business going. She can't do that if we don't have any money to buy the wool."

"Yeah, I know that, but a soldier? You know the kinds of stuff that they get sent to do... and I'm not talking about raiding bandit camps."

Marco's gaze turned away, and his eyes met Alessio's, and he must have realised he had been listening, because he pointed at him, "What's your deal, stranger?"

"I'm looking for somebody."

"What, are you a Brother?" he asked him, making him snicker; that the thing he was furthest from, given what the Brothers did to people like him.

"Certainly not."

"You're too scrawny to be a bounty hunter." Marco's friend stated something obvious, "So, you're here for personal reasons. Somebody steal your shit?"

"No, not yet." he acknowledged, glancing over his shoulder, feeling self-conscious about the bag he had slung over his shoulder, "I've heard some stories, and I wanted to see if they were really true." he explained himself, trying to give a story that was close to the truth, but didn't disclose how he came about the information he already had.

"What kind of stories?"

"About a child." he clarified, "One that is very powerful with magic, and could be... well, I think they might be helpful." he gave an excuse, and the two men eyed him with suspicious looks.

"Okay, not trying to be doubtful, but you sound like a kidnapper... or one of those mage-recruiters." Marco suggested some possibilities, neither of which was true; he might have been a mage, but his search had nothing to do with trying to get a new student for the school.

"I'm neither." he assured them both, "I'm just... very interested in what this child could do."

"For you." Marco assumed, and Alessio felt like throwing his cup at him, frustrated that he'd just assume that he'd gone all this way just for his own benefit- if he wanted any old magic done, he'd do it himself.

"No, for us all." he retorted, before swigging down the last of his wine, "Now if you'd excuse me, I've got to take a leak." he tried to excuse himself, rising up to his feet.

"That's a terrible excuse." he heard somebody address him, and Alessio turned around to see a man standing behind him.

He was a fair bit older than him, with dark near-black hair that was trimmed short, along with a scraggly beard. What caught his interest was the bandage tied around his head, covering his eyes, indicating he was blind; his clothes weren't terrible, as he was wearing a tunic, embroidered vest, and pants, which surprised him, given the poverty he expected most blind people to find themselves in.

"Sorry, am I being spied on or something?" he asked, acting as if it was a joke; he was truly concerned that somebody might catch on to his identity, and that was why he had been careful with what information he divulged to strangers, "Because sending a blind guy to do that isn't a very good idea."

"Ha." the man huffed, pursing his lips into a smirk, "I like you." he gave his opinion; Alessio tried to be approachable, and played off any question with jokes, but not because he thought he was a jester-in-training; he understood that he was a fearful if not cowardly man, but he had the guts to go out into the world and do what was necessary, for the good of the rest of the world, who couldn't comprehend or appreciate his duties.

"You sound like you need some help looking for this... what, kid? I could help you." the blind man asked, and he just snickered in response; the man seemed witty, but a blind man wasn't the kind of person you sent to hunt bounties or the like.

"And might I ask what a blind guy's going to do?"

"Th-that's Caecus." Marco gestured to him, and Alessio narrowed his eyes.

"Is that supposed to mean something?"

"If you weren't an outsider, I would be offended, but that doesn't matter." he conceded, before he tapped at his bag, "What you got in there?"

"Supplies, what do you think?" he asked, out of instinct, before stepping back, realising the implication of his question, "Uh, actually, how do you know I had a bag there?"

"Well, you've got some medallion or some shit in there. I'm not blind to magic, unlike these dimwits." he gestured in the general direction of the young men, who looked away nervously.

He glanced down at the bag, and sighed, realising that Caecus wasn't just any blind man; he had brought with him, for his safety, a medallion that was created by his teacher, Massimo, which would change his features in the eyes of others if he wore it, in case he needed to hide. He had a few reasons to do so, but he was hoping it was completely unnecessary.

"Well, that's brilliant." he grumbled in response, before turning his gaze back to the blind man, "What do you want?"

"I wasn't trying to make a fool of you. I can help you, outsider." he assured him, and Alessio raised a brow, still feeling sceptical of the strange man's intentions, "So, are you going to let me sit down?"

"I was assuming you don't want to speak with these two around." he noted the presence of the young men, who clearly seemed afraid of Caecus, though the reason was a mystery to him; if the man was skilled enough in magic to sense his medallion, he had to be some kind of mage, though his attire suggested he wasn't part of any legally recognised school.

"Yes, that's true." he confirmed, "We'll take a booth." he explained, pacing over towards one of the empty booths, which only intrigued him further; the fact he knew would be empty told him he was planning their discussion in advance, and he hadn't just sprung up upon hearing him mention his search.

That was suspect enough, and when Alessio sat down, Caecus put himself down on the opposite side of the booth, snapping his fingers. A few moments later, a young woman came over to their table with a jug of wine and a few cups, placing them down on the table for them, before he pulled out a few coins.

"Thanks dear." the blind man acknowledged her with a smile, though she just seemed nervous and nodded, before leaving them alone once more.

"So... are you going to tell me how you're awfully prescient for a blind man?"

"That would ruin the fun." he just replied with a smirk, before indicating across the table, "Well, are you going to have that drink I bought you, or not?"

He remained silent for a few moments, before picking up the cup of wine, knowing it would just be rude to refuse such a courtesy, "You have my thanks." he acknowledged verbally, knowing that a nod would be useless to a man without eyes.

"What's your name?" he asked, which was an unsurprising pleasantry; Alessio sipped from the cup before responding, knowing he ought to be honest with a man who had bought him a drink.

"Alessio." he gave his name, "Of Monte Cimista." he gave his place of origin, a small village in the foothills of the great White Mountains; he hadn't been there for a few years, but he knew enough about to it discuss it as if he lived there still, in case people began to suspect his identity and backstory.

Caecus crossed his arms, and with one of his hands, stroked his scraggly beard, "So, this child you're looking for, might I ask what you know about him?"

"That he or she is a powerful magic user. Untrained, I presume." he explained all that he could, knowing that the more specific details weren't incriminating, but would raise suspicions about his intentions.

"And you're not a Brother?" he asked, seeming suspect, and Alessio narrowed his eyes, leaning closer towards the blind man.

"No, I am not." he confirmed, though he was a little frustrated that he had to go out and walk the land to find someone like the child, while they were a whole organisation who could probably do what he wanted to do himself in a matter of days, let alone actually find the right person.

They had the privileges to go and recruit new students for the schools of magic at will, but he would have to persuade the child he was looking for to come with him, for both their own safety, but to ensure they would be ready for what would soon come for them all.

"There's, what, at least a thousand users in Essargilla alone, and a quarter of them would be young. There's a lot of people to sift through." Caecus explained what he would have to be dealing with, "That's going to take you a while to get done."

"Well, you say you want to help me." Alessio reminded him, "So, fess up. What can you do for me?"

"I was never trained, not like you... but I have a skill you obviously require."

"Sensing magic." he deduced, realising that the man would be more than helpful in achieving his goal.

"Spot on." he snapped a finger at him, his pleased look suggesting he thought he was getting himself into a good deal; it was obvious that somebody like Caecus wasn't going to help him out of the goodness of his heart- nobody did that without a good reason.

"So, what do you want out of this deal?" he asked him, and the blind man just tapped the table between them.

"I want to know what you're looking for, and why." he gave his conditions, and Alessio sighed.

"So you're a merchant of secrets, not of goods?" he asked him, and Caecus raised a brow.

"Oh, you could call me that, but... you see, I'm more interested in whether you're doing this little search for the right reason."

"You didn't strike me as a man of principle." he conceded, having assumed that the man didn't seem to be brokering with morals and duties in mind.

"I'm a man of faith. I think the right things will happen to you if you try and do the right things for others... and if I get some denars on the side, well that's all fine by me."

"Alright." he conceded, knowing that he could divulge some details to the man, but not the whole story; that was far too dangerous to be given out to any random person, "I have learned of a prophecy, from the dreams of mages long ago, and it showed many things... some of which have already been realised."

"Ah... does this have something to do with the Eye of the Domitor?" he asked, and Alessio nodded, though he cringed at the name that had been given to the great comet that arrived earlier that summer; in the prophecy, the comet was one of the images seen, alongside the summer storm that had rocked Essargilla only a few days prior.

"Yes, it does." he confirmed, "The comet was seen in the prophecy, as was the storm.... and lightning striking an icon of Aemilius."

"The Divine Emperor." Caecus acknowledged his other name, "So... does this prophecy have something to do with him?"

Alessio held his tongue, unsure if he should mention the relationship between the so-called Divine Emperor and the child of the prophecy, "Perhaps. The prophecy shows the child being at the centre of a coming war."

"War?" the blind man asked, seeming a little humoured, "There's a war every few years between one governor and another... but you can't have come all this way if it was a paltry war like that."

"No, it won't be." he confirmed, "The Faceless Lord will return." he revealed the most dangerous part of the prophecy, which seemed to shock Caecus.

However, not as much as he had hoped, as the man began to laugh, bellowing out as he hammered the table with his fist, "Oh, that's a good one. You're really good at spinning things... maybe I should hire you." he suggested, and Alessio turned his eyes away, annoyed that Caecus didn't even believe him, though that didn't surprise him; everyone who talked about the return of the Faceless Lord was usually a zealous believer of Aemilius' divinity who read too much into apocrypha and other ancient texts.

"I'm not a believer." he retorted, "This isn't about gods or destroying evil or anything like that. There is a real danger approaching us all."

"You seem to trust a lot in your prophecy. Where'd you hear it from?"

"A trusted source." he assured him, "I wouldn't have come here if I didn't believe the prophecy wouldn't come true."

"How can you trust it?"

"Because it's happened before. There have been many prophecies seen, and many have passed, like the death of the Domitor, the Century of Chaos, and the rise and fall of dynasties, warlords and rebellions."

"Then why haven't I ever heard of these prophecies?"

"Because my school was banned five hundred years ago." he whispered, and the man's jaw dropped, now seeming genuinely surprised.

"You're a Mutatio?" he asked, pulling his bandage down, revealing that he had what looked like two perfectly functional eyes, though the distant gaze he gave indicated he clearly couldn't see Alessio's face, "Oh, this is even better than I thought." he declared, before Alessio rose to his feet, seriously concerned about his own safety from such a happy reaction.

"You- you're not going to call the Brothers on me, are you?"

"No, no... I'm not that kind of arsehole." he assured him, "I'm like you, branded by the law a traitor... even if I did no wrong myself." he explained, and Alessio sat back down.

"Really? Then why are you so happy to see a Mutatio?" he asked with a whisper, knowing he shouldn't mention his school so publicly.

"Because I wasn't always blind." he explained, "Once, I had even sought to learn the magic of your school... but it was forbidden, as it has been for centuries."

"Is that why you're blind? Did the Brothers do that to you?"

"I've never committed apostasy." he assured him with a chuckle, before his expression hardened, "This is a curse... from some very skilled mage."

"Ah..." he mumbled, before narrowing his eyes, "He wasn't from my school, was he?"

"Given he was on the Imperial payroll, certainly not." he explained, "What I want for my assistance, is for you to undo my curse."

"And what says I even know how to do it?"

"It made me blind without harming me physically... so it was alteration magic, not destructive." he explained his rationale, "So, if you're a Mutatio, you should know the spell to revert it."

"I... well, I don't have a library in this bag." he conceded, "I could certainly find the spell for your curse, if it was made by my school... but that would be back at my home, which is far from Essargilla." he explained, before narrowing his eyes, "A byproduct of altering reality on a daily basis is that visions of the future are given to you... or at least, some small details of the future." Alessio added, reminding him of the prophecy.

"So, the prophecy isn't a load of baloney... well that's got to be a first." he acknowledged, and the mage shook his head.

"This is not the first prophecy... as I told you earlier. We've been seeing them for thousands of years, but most have been lost to the rot of paper and burning of libraries." he explained, before pointing at Caecus, "I can help you with your curse... but you cannot tell anyone of this prophecy, and what it will lead to. It will only get the Brothers on my tail, and send the people into a frenzy."

"I understand." the blind man assured him, placing a hand on his chest, "I promise to keep my lips tight on the matter of your little prophecy... but I won't be able to do this alone."

Alessio glanced around the tavern, "So what, do you have friends, employees, contractors? What kind of help will you need?"

"I have an... associate, of sorts." he explained, seeming a little cautious about what he said, before he made a whistle, "Valeria!" he called out a name, and Alessio raised a brow, not having expected him to call on his associate so hastily.

---

This was all of the first scene of the story, though it is immediately followed by another scene from another character's POV. Hope you enjoyed reading it!

[liitlesunshiine]

High on the clock

Quirkless AU - Toya Todoroki

Warnings: cursing, drug use, anxiety, panic attack mention, suggestive themes, slight sexual themes 

A fun light hearted fic. Definitely enjoyed writing this piece so I hope you guys enjoy reading it. ^.^ It’s flirty n cute n Toya is a total bae. <3 

You and Toya are coworkers who try making the most out of your shitty job. 

------------------------

“Goddd this place fuckin blows.” You groaned in frustration sitting across Toya. 

“As if I didn’t know that already,” he sleeplishly replied. 

You never intended on working in this shit show of a store for as long as you have but yet, here you were two wasted years later. You had high hopes after graduation but it seems no job wants to hire someone with no experience and you can’t get any experience since you can’t get an actual job that’ll provide it. So it’s forced you in this sort of awkward limbo and vicious cycle of going back and forth. You’ve been stuck wearing this shitty bright uniform with a barely livable wage and terrible hours. Miserable every second of the day, with the constant guilt eating at you for being so complacent. 

Of course there were a few exceptions.

Of course… Like the highly attractive coworker you spent most of your time here with. Days spent with Toya were significantly better than the days spent without Toya. In fact, if it weren’t for him, you’d probably wouldn’t have lasted as long as you had here. Because man, when days were good they were ok, but when the days were bad, they were really fucking bad.  Some in which you were ready to burn down everyone and everything yet the sweet, hot, god-like Toya would make you melt with his cute quirky smile and meet your eyes with his own that you would absolutely drown in and next thing you know, you had completely forgotten about what you were upset over. Now, it’s just a bonus that he meets your sarcasm with his own, the both of you have always had this flirty like atmosphere that neither of you are willing to acknowledge but low key kinda know there’s an underlying sexual tension there. It was strange how well you both got along, the average onlooker would assume nothing more than a simple boyfriend and girlfriend relationship but it was really just mutual likability and connection between the two of you. Days with Toya were simply good days. And you were absolutely grateful for someone like him because god knows how terrible it’d really be here without him.

“Why don’t we make this night a bit memorable,” Toya who was right next to you behind the counter, gives you a side wink and unzips the company jacket to reveal a small ziplock within the pocket. Andddddd long behold it’s weed! You chuckle to yourself, never getting tired of Toya’s shenanigans. Very much appreciated as he’s best form of entertainment here. 

“Toya we almost got caught last time, you really wanna risk it again?” Your words ran on deaf ears as he was already rolling up the blunt underneath the counter, “what’s the worst they can do? Fire us?” You stopped for a second and nodded, well he wasn’t wrong. Maybe this was the push you needed to finally leave this shit hole. “You got a point, let’s do it quick before someone comes in.” 

While this is a 24 hour convenience store, usually pass 1am, rarely anyone is inside. So you suppose it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea. Plus with Toya your bound to have a good time, who are you to deny him. You trusted in him enough to get away with his bs. 

“Pass the lighter doll,” you fished for the lighter that was nicely decorated with little blue flames over in your small book bag and passed it to him. He holds the blunt between his two hands and you duck underneath the counter with him. “Ladies first,” he cockily said, you lean forward and placed your mouth on the blunt while he held it for you. He always did this and it always felt oddly intimate to you. Couldn’t help the warm fuzzy feeling in your chest taking over when his glass like eyes gazed over you. They always made you curious and somehow hungry for knowledge of his life. You’ve never knew someone so well yet know nothing of them, but that’s always been enigma of Touya. You exhaled closing your eyes, attempting to calm your nerves. “You know the only time I ever smoke is on the job with you.” He smirked bringing the blunt to his own lips, “guess I’m a bad influence then.” 

You snorted and rolled your eyes. “Everyone needs a lil spice in their life, no?” It was his turn to roll his eyes. You gently grabbed his wrist and led the blunt back to your lips again, he stared quietly at you. Which oddly made you tense up. “Don’t look at me like that,” you smiled. 

“Like what?” He smiled. 

“Like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world that you can’t live without.” Now you both laughed. This was the usual routine with Toya; cracking jokes and talking shit for a bit and simply enjoying each other’s company while the store was empty. He finally broke the trance you were in when he spoke up. 

“You know, having my father kick me out of the house wasn’t so bad after all,” Toya leaned in. 

You looked at him with a puzzled look, he never brings up his father. Whenever the conversation appeared it was quickly diverted elsewhere. You didn’t want to poke or intrude but curiosity got the best of you and you couldn’t help but want to continue the conversation. “Yea? Why is that?” You wondered. His father, from what you’ve been able to gather with the little bits Toya has mentioned here and there, was that supposedly his father is some CEO to a multi million dollar company. Odd considering the likes to where Toya ended up but you concluded that they must’ve ended in bad terms. You understood how cruel and selfish parents can be and didn’t need further explanation on that part. Easy to assume considering how poorly and little he speaks of him. He shut your ideas off with his simple response. 

“I wouldn’t be smoking a blunt with the world’s most beautiful girl under this shitty counter, if it weren’t for it.” Ha, that definitely caught you off guard, causing a light blush to form across your face. Even with a seeming sensitive topic he still manages to tease you. He’s got that cheeky smile plastered all over, “Got you choked up doll?” You rolled your eyes. You were about to tell him off before the door rang indicating that someone has entered the store. You snapped out of the haze and immediately got up to quickly realize that the person who entered was one of the regional managers, oh fuck. You nearly froze in fear and kicked Toya under the counter. “Ow the fuck was that for?” He looked at you while soothing the kick you just gave him but upon looking at your panicked expression and frenzied body, he quickly crushed the blunt and shoved it back inside the pocket of his jacket. He didn’t need to be told or explained which you greatly appreciated at the moment. Toya was always able to read the room, bless his soul. He clumsily got back up to which you had fixed his crooked hat and whispered into his ear to tuck his shirt in while covering him slightly to do so.

“Hi-ya hello, good afternoon, I mean good evening sir.” You embarrassedly stumbled over your words to which Toya snickered at. You kicked him again harder this time as discreetly as you could. On the verge of a panic attack. He gripped tightly at the counter, smiling at the man in front of you both. Hissing silently at the pain your kick caused him. He gave you a quick side eye nodding his head in disapproval. Which somehow made you feel drastically worse. 

“Good evening to you both, I’m sure you know who I am.” 

You responded a bit too hastily looking like a rabid chihuahua. “Yes! Yea. Of course we do, how are you? What brings you in at this time? It’s so late.” You manage to say within 2.0 seconds, the automatic robotic customer service attitude overtaking your body. Well- at least trying to considering you just had a 30-minute smoke sesh under the counter and your mind is  desperately trying to sober up. Honestly, what the fuck was he doing here at this time? This has never happened and I mean out of all the hours of the day. Oh yea, you’re definitely getting fucked, the smell of weed was so pungent, it was literally embarrassing how bad the situation looks. You wanted to cry. Toya’s eyes were stained red and you only assumed yours look worse. 

“Gotten a few complaints about this store recently. Wanted to come in and take a look.” You began to get a cold sweat, oh shit he knows, he definitely knows. You had words lodged in your throat that couldn’t come out. What could you say? What can you say? You’re in the wrong here. Everyone knows that smoking weed with your cool and kinda hot coworker under the counter is definitely not ok. Maybe even illegal, oh god what if this gets on your record. You’ll definitely not be able to get a professional job, then you’ll really get stuck working a even shitter job than this. Oh good oh god oh my god. 

As if sensing the absolute panic and anxiety off of you, Toya gently caressed your arm motioning you to relax and to stay silent. You recognized the wave that washed over him and instantly knew he’d handle the situation, he always does. And if you could die in his arms right now, you’d accept your fate happily. Toya was an interesting man oh right, you always believed he held such potential to do great things and even change the world. It doesn’t make sense really considering you both work at a basic job but you had come to secretly admire the guy. You’d would tell him too, how you believed in him, how you had so much confidence for him to become something great but he would always shut it down and brush it off like it was nothing.  It was as if he didn’t think he was good enough. It always bugged you that he thought so little of himself, but seeing him now causally and confidently bullshit the regional manager out of your current situation just simply reminded you of how special he was to you. Definitely got your pussy wet and made you eternally grateful too.

Toya was standing in front of the counter, making hand gestures while the manager just stared analyzing his words. You were completely z0ned out, only able to get parts of the conversation. 

“We’ve been having this customer appear at the store over and over again around this time of night harassing me and Y/N. We’ve considered calling the cops since he’s always high off his mind, we’ve caught him smoking in the bathroom on multiple occasions too. He was in here about 15 minutes ago and we haven’t been able to get rid of the smell.” 

Ah the beautiful lies that slipped through Toya’s lips sounded like a symphony. It was nothing short of comedic and yet so fucking Oscar-worthy. You could definitely pay this man to tell you lies he with how effortlessly convincing he was. You couldn’t even care to listen to what the manager was responding with, but on his way out he waved at you wishing you a goodnight and you sighed out with relief. 

Toya turns to you clasping his hands together “well there’s gonna be a security guard here for the next two weeks.” You laughed “I guess that’s better than getting fired huh.” 

“I’m not sure about that,” he chuckled. “I texted Shigs to come and take over the rest of our shift.” 

You looked at him confused, “how come? Either way, do you think he’ll be ok alone here?”

Toya slipped his phone into his pocket and walked back to you “yea he doesn’t give a fuck. Besides you look pale fucking white, guess this guy sobered your ass up real quick.” 

You attempted to glare angrily at him but it came off as a soft puppy look. You had no energy nor the strength to pretend. It feels like you just got whiplash from the rollercoaster you were on. Figured it was no use in lying considering you looked like you just went through it. “Yea, I still feel high as shit, I just wanna go home already, only thing this guy gave me was a fat fucking headache.” 

He ruffled the top of your head, “awe poor baby,” he said in a teasing tone, he inched up right beside you, “I got something that can help with that.” You jokingly pushed him off you, tying to ignore the warm feeling pooling under your stomach. Your mind was definitely thinking something dirty with a million miles per second and with how he handled today’s situation you’d be more than willing to give him whatever he pleased, but you pretended to cast aside those intrusive thoughts and act unfazed. “Shit don’t tell me you got Advil on you too?” 

He chuckled lightly nodding is head down, “got something even better doll.” He scoots up next to you and grabs a bottle of excedrin underneath the counter, passing it to you. You excitedly open it taking two pills out “oh my god I didn’t know we had some underneath here, yes thank you. You're definitely my hero today Toya.” As if y’all didn’t work in a convenience store that had if not all types of medicines. It was the effort that made it special though, it’s what brought that bright goofy smile of yours to light.  

You weren’t able to see the blush that formed on his cheeks while you swallowed the two pills. “Yea I remember you telling me you get headaches n shit and I know this medicine helps with it.” He was scratching the back of his head awkwardly. He never really handles compliments well but you tippy toed over to him and wrapped your arms softly around his neck. “I appreciate it Toya, that was really thoughtful. Thank you.” 

If you didn’t see his previous blush you definitely noticed this one, which in turn lead you to blush. But you couldn’t miss this opportunity- “AWE is lil Toya blushing. So cute brings me back to my middle school days.” That caused a loud laugh to come out of you both. “Shut it.” he quickly and quietly said. 

“Am I interrupting something.” You and Toya quickly untangled from each other trying to play off the slight tension in the air. 

“Errrr um.. Hey Shiggy, thanks for uh coming in.” You awkwardly stumbled, you never really got along with him so there was always this weird loud silence between the both of you. He already seemed to be annoyed, per usual.  The sloppy blue hair all tangled looking greasy and his patchy skin looking irritated and flaky as usual. He definitely was not amused or happy to be here. Well when was her ever. You’ve yet to seen the man smile. 

“Whatever.” He takes a sip from his metal bottle and walks over to the counter. 

“Shiggy you the man, thanks for pulling up bud.” Toya pats him in the back and Shigaraki shuttered. “Don’t touch me,” he flatly said. He glared at you both. 

“You guys can go leave and fuck now.” The words caught you instantly by surprise and you got completely red. “That’s not what were gonn- ugh whatever like it matters.” With that, you and Toya clock out and leave the store with Shigaraki sending daggers at your back.

“He’s always acting like such a bitch.” You annoyingly complained. 

Toya puts his arm around your shoulder pulling you closer to him “he ain’t so bad when you get to know him.” 

“I guess.” You rolled your eyes, you didn’t really care. You were more relieved to have finally left. He can rot in the store by himself for all you care. Not you or Toga would miss him. 

“So,” Toya glided with his words, itching you closer to him. He was leading the way in this position with you happily following. Not knowing the destination but feeling completely at peace with his form completely snug at your side. You comfortably wrapped your arm around his waist and gently placed your head in the crook of his neck. This was nice you thought, you and Toya were always this intimate when alone. No hesitation or awkwardness, just simply holding hands and sharing body heat as friends with the underlying passion waiting to burst and to be acknowledged. But nothing ever felt rushed, not with Toya. You stared at him from this angle, taking in his beautiful effortless features. His lashes looked so long as you stared in slight jealousy, his hair a perfect black mess with hidden red roots if you stared long enough, and his eyes. Man, you could write poems and sing songs with how the eyes stirred up some emotion you can't quite pin down. Always causing an eruption of feelings you can barely control. 

You felt the warmth from his breath when he spoke, “wanna go to back to my place and finish that blunt? Would love nothing more than to see the world’s most beautiful girl on my bed.” 

You blushed and nodded looking at those piercing blue eyes once again “well, when you look at me like that I guess I can’t say no.” 

Maybe this time you would finally show Toya just how special he really is to you. 

[kaibutsushidousha]

what do you think of kama?

First of all, sorry for taking over a month to answer this one. Kama is a character I like a lot (actually my favorite Assassin in FGO until we get Koyanskaya, or more hopefully, Fake Assassin) and have a lot of scattered thoughts about, but I didn't know how to organize all of them into a single good Kama post. But now I finally gave up on the idea of organizing and am delivering this mess of a Kama thoughts dump.

Background + Oo'oku

Kama was a jolly and responsible love god who got peer pressured into shooting a love arrow at Shiva while he was meditating, and got his body completely vaporized for the sole crime of doing his job as demanded.

But that didn't kill him, because gods don't die from that. It just hurt a lot (still hurts for the Assassin version) and gives all the inconveniences of not having a physical body. In TM, the only way a Divine Spirit can truly die is when their domain stops meaning anything.

Flash forward to Oo'oku, and Kama was plotting to expand her universe body to the whole world so every single person has their own copy of Kama constantly giving them love. But Kama's (well, I guess Mara's if we're being overly technical) love is the temptation that distracts from what you really need to do, so if everyone has a Kama, they'll indulge their every need, nothing productive will ever be done, and humanity will just go extinct by inaction.

Parvati was very quick to notice the danger in this plan. If everyone was granted love by Kama and stopped wanting anything else, then people wouldn't love each other anymore. Love stops existing, Kama loses her domain, and finally dies. But when Parvati questioned if Kama failed to notice that her end goal is the one thing that can kill her, Kama simply kept talking, completely dodging her question.

I feel like that's the secret goal. Oo'oku is a suicide attempt, as much as Kama avoids the subject. Almost all other major Minase villains (Sheherezade, Phenex, Altjuna, and arguably Aphrodite in Akihabara Explosion) are impliedly or textually suicidal and I think Kama is no exception.

The most curious part to me is that later, when Kama is defeated, she made a final motive rant while she was sent flying. She said that Shiva and friends were always calling Kama a slacker, blaming him for the lack of love in the world, and the one time he earnestly did his job, he's paid back by getting vaporized. She said that the whole idea behind Oo'oku was a way to say "You guys want to do my job? Here, I'll fucking show what happens when I do my job." She completely framed it as just a huge middle finger to Shiva and friends.

But the big thing is: She was saying this when there's no one there to hear it, which means that even when Kama is alone to her thoughts, she still absolutely refuses to acknowledge she was trying to die. She won't admit it even to herself.

Interlude

Assassin Kama is revealed not to have Kama's experienced outside of the relevant Ananga story. No family, no friends, no happier reincarnation to redeem his opinions on the gods. Assassin Kama is only the pain, and that's why she's like this.

Karna/Vritra Christmas

Kama has a somewhat minor bit as Vritra's cohort, only to be frustrated in the end by Vritra's real personality. She plays the most obvious villain role, but the one line I got really attached to was her appreciation of being called predictable. Kama is a uglily lashing victim of the gods' injustice, so she just really likes being understood, even in a situation as minor as this. Excellent character work there, Higashide.

Caren's Valentines

Being the god of love makes Kama inevitably think about love a lot, and consequently understands how dangerous love can be, even before he got burned for it. In the Oo'oku motive rant, the first thing Kama complains about is how he lived treated like a slacker for not distributing enough to the world, aka being cautious and responsible with his powers. Oo'oku is basically a "here's what would happen if I did my job the way you guys wanted, shitters".

This paints Kama as someone highly opinionated, and him being tired of talking about love, to the point of seemingly quitting it completely, is the natural reaction of an expert listening to laymen constantly misrepresenting their subject in conversation. Kama is a metaphor for anime translators.

Kama started showing genuine interest in meeting Eros/Caren and ended more pissed than ever when Caren started blabbering about infinitely and unconditionally loving the entire planet. And honestly, there's a very valid reason for that. From Kama's perspective, they got a braindead take from the one person they were expecting to understand them. Caren was a denied opportunity of finally having someone they can relate to, someone who would understand the god of love in all its nuance and importance.

[daydreamingintheimpalax]

Secrets

Summary: After a particularly rough hunt, Dean shares a secret with you that changes everything. 

Prompt: I have loved you since we were 18.

Warnings: Probably just swearing TBH; Maybe slight douchbaggy ex.

--

As soon as you and the Winchesters had walked through the bunker doors, you let out a relieved sigh. It had been a rough week, you all had been hunting a werewolf that just couldn't stop moving, making it impossible to track until it finally slowed down somewhere in timbucktoo. Well, it was more like Colorado somewhere, but you know, you were never known for your georgraphy skills. 

What had made it worse, was that despite this wolf practically throwing the three of you around like rag dolls, which was getting way harder now that you weren't the spunky crisp 20 year old you once were, was the fact that you had happened to run into Randy. 

Randy had been your high school boyfriend for two years, his family were also hunters and having a boyfriend who understood your life, it was nice back then. 

You had known the Winchesters all your life, your families running in the same hunting circles, you had worked cases with them multiple times over the years until finally settling down with them now that they were the only family you had left. You had broken up with Randy when he got increasingly possesive and jealous when you turned 19 and you'd decided to  move in with Dean once Sammy had gone off to college.

Dean was alone and his dad was constantly going on hunts and leaving him behind, he was very upset when Sammy had left, so he chose to hunt on his own. Your father had left years ago, leaving you with a buddy who he called your uncle bobby, even though he wasn’t really, but choosing to live with Dean so he wouldn't be alone made it easier for him, then when you were 23, he'd been mauled on a hunt and died. Hunting with Dean after that,  became a normal routine, but Randy hated Dean, and Dean, well, he wasn't fond of Randy either. 

The mutual distaste for each other only increased the more jealous and controlling Randy got, nearly fighting with you every night when you chose to go back to the apartment you shared with Dean instead of staying with him. Eventually, when he became physical, Dean had enough and knocked him out one night after you'd come home with a bruised eye, threatening to shoot him if he ever came near you again. That was the end of that and you hadn't seen Randy since. 

Until tonight, when he happened to be tracking the same werewolf you guys had been. It became worse when he realized you were still hunting with Dean, and the memories of all those arguments and black eyes and bruises came flashing back. You managed to finish the case, but not without some bumps and bruises and having Randy there made it worse, with Dean and Randy glaring daggers at each other every time they researced. Randy still being the asshole he was despite the years you two had been broken up.

You were just glad to be home, glad to be away from that tension. You showered, cleaned off all the muck, and settled down on the little blanket you still had on the floor in the back yard area behind the bunker, you'd sit there on the warm nights, enjoying the stars while you sipped on a beer, winding down after a hunt. Tonight was no different, and you definitely needed it tonight more than ever. 

After a few minutes, you heard the familiar sound of Deans boots, planting himself next to you, his own beer in hand. 

“You okay, peanut?” His voice soft but husky, the tell sign he was exhausted. The nickname made you smile, it became his favorite thing to call you ever since you'd lived with him all those years ago, your obsession for peanut butter never understandable to him. Didn't help that your short stature against his giant frame basically made you peanut sized to him. You'd accepted it a long time ago, you were short, and Dean took great pleasure in teasing you about it.

You let out a big sigh, “Yeah, I'm good now.” You smiled, sipping from your beer bottle as you looked and examined the stars. Dean shuffled next to you, crossing his bowed legs as best he could, before sipping from his own bottle. 

“Can’t believe we ran into Randy of all the douchebags, never thought I'd see that assholes face ever again, he's still missing that tooth.” Dean chuckled, the comment making you burst out laughing so hard you nearly chocked on your beer. 

The memory brought you back to the night Dean had punched him for hitting you, knocking one of his front teeth out. The satisfaction and the look on Randys face bringing you joy. He had been frightened of Dean ever since, seeing the ghost white look on his face when he'd seen Dean tonight made you smirk, glad he'd learned his lesson back then. It was still funny, seeing him years later, he'd gained a lot of weight, his hair line had receded a lot and his tooth still missing. The image no longer matching the cocky football star from highschool.

Your laughter slowed, Dean sighing next to you as you both stared up at the sky. 

“i gotta say, I am glad he fucked off after that night, don't think I could've stopped myself from doing worse if he'd tried to bother you again.” Dean spoke, a hint of something in his voice that you couldn't quite place.

He went quiet again, you looked over at him, watching him softly as he stared at the sky, sipping from his bottle. You'd known Dean Winchester all your life, and somehow, things about him still managed to surprise you. He was a complicated person to figure out, he didn’t let many people in on his feelings or thoughts, and although you knew he trusted you with his life, you were sure there were still plenty of secrets you didn’t known about your best friend.

You hummed out, taking another sip of your beer before you spoke, “Hey Dee?” you spoke softly, his eyes meeting yours.

“Hmm?” His reply a soft hum, acknowledging he’d heard you.

“Tell me something?” you asked, wanting to know something new, something he hadn't told you yet. Something that could surprise you.

“Tell you what?” he chuckled, wondering how much beer you'd had before he'd come out here.

“A secret, something I don't know.” you looked a him, wondering how much he held in, in fear no one would care, he'd always looked after everyone all his life, you, his mother, sammy, even his dad those rare nights he came back from a hunt completely shittered.

“You know all my secrets, y/n/n, you know that.” he stated matter of factly, you shook your head, not accepting his answer. 

“No, there has to be something, something you haven't told me, or anyone, something special or secret, personal, a funny story, anything, I just need something to make this night a little better.” you looked at him, eyes big and hopeful, he bit the inside of his cheek, concentrating and thinking of a secret he'd yet to tell you, there was one, one he never planned to tell you in fear it would ruin everything you'd both built, the bond, friendship, the trust. Tonight was better than never he supposed, he knew it would come up one day, it might as well be tonight. 

You watched him concentrate, thinking of something he hadn't told you, something you didn't know, after a few minutes, he sighed. 

“I guess I have a secret I was always too scared to tell you,” he shrugged, licking his lips softly before he spoke again, “I have loved you since we were 18.“ He stated simply. No other words following. 

You stared at him for what felt like forever, he seemed slightly nervous, seemingly avoiding eye contact. He finally got the courage to look at you again, you still stared at him, shocked at his admission. 

“When you say loved....” you began, but he cut you off, “I mean full blown told everyone I would marry you one day, head over heels crazy about you, I still am y/n. It's the main reason my other relationships never worked, they were never you, never could be.” He shrugged.

To say you were shocked would be an understaement. “Wh-, why didn't you ever say anything? We've been friends for forever, we've shared a bed, and apartment, Jesus Christ Dee, you've stripped my drunk ass down to nothing and got in a cold shower with me to sober me up and you never thought to mention that little deatil?” You ranted, slightly upset he never thought to tell you something this big, it had been years, YEARS, that he’d been dragging around these feelings in secret.

He sighed, “The timing was never right, you were with Randy for a while, then when we moved in together, I didn't want to ruin it by being an idiot, I didn’t know if you felt the same about me and I was scared of losing you, of scaring you away and destroying everything we'd built, our trust, friendhship, I chickened out and figured I'd rather have you in my life and keep that part a secret than to lose you completely.” He finished, watching your face for your reaction, worried he'd ruined everything, he couldn't lose you now, not after all these years.

“Dee...” You shifted closer, he cut you off once more, “Don’t....don’t say you feel the same okay? Don't pretend or lie to make me feel better, I'm a grown man, I can handle rejection, I just figured it was time you knew, that's my secret, it's the only one I've ever carried with me and kept from you, besides the fact that I always resented that a guy like Randy was ever lucky enough to have you and threw his shot away, he was stupid enough to hurt you and not appreciate you.” he frowned, turning back to look at the stars.

You watched him, you couldn't believe he'd been right in front of your face this whole time, all the losers like Randy, the one night stands hoping you'd find your perfect guy out there somewhere, yet, he’d been with you the entire time, right by your side your whole life, and suddenly you realized it, all the times he took care of you, when you were drunk, or crying, or someone hurt you, he'd always been there, not just because he'd been your best friend, it was also because you had been his love, he'd loved you for so long, you felt stupid you hadn't realized it after all these years. Dean Winchester was your perfect guy, your soulmate. Your mother had always been right, You didn't find love, it found you, when you least expected it, and sometimes, you found it hiding in plain sight. 

you gently reached out, placing a hand on his face and pulling him back to face you, his eyes met yours and you leaned in, placing a small but deep kiss on his lips. You pulled away slightly, meeting his eyes. 

“It was always you, Dean, the guy I've been searching for all my life, the one who always made me feel special, and loved, and just, loved me, It was always you. I'm sorry it took me this long to realize he was always right beside me.” You smiled softly, his eyes lingered on yours before he smiled, leaning in to capture you in a deep kiss once again. 

“S’okay, luckily we still got some time left on this earth, we got plenty of time to make up for it.” He smiled, the moonlight enhancing the twinkle in his gorgeous Hazel green eyes. You loved this man, and now, you could finally freely admit that, and spend whatever would be left of your life as a hunter being in his arms, this time, not as his best friend, but as something more. 

[popculturebuffet]

Top 10 Thanksgiving Episodes

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody! Time to eat a ton, pass out, and watch MST3K and all that. And since I already covered most of the general stuff about how diffrent this holiday is in my Loud House Review, and to reitarate to anyone having a big, 20 or so people crammed in a room thanksgiving this year

For the rest of us like all of the big three of Holidays, thanksgivings also the time for some classic episodes of television. Granted most shows stick to one, with some exceptions like friends, roseanne and new girl, but most make their one count. Thanksgiving may not be as big as the holidays it’s sandwitched in between, to the point christmas is slowly but surely trying to swallow it whole, but it’s still a time for family, fighting, and food that brings plenty of opprotunity for greatness and even with a smaller pool, I stiill had signifigant trouble narrowing down my list to 10. But I stand by what I got it wittled down to. This is my top 10 thanksgiving episodes! And for my regular readers, there’s a suprising lack of animation but i’m more than willing ot go outside that and now’s the right time, asi’m currently having a black friday sale with reviews marked down by two bucks to just 3 dollars for an episode of any tv show. Yes it’s a shameless plug but since when have I ever had shame? So with that in mind let’s chow down, it’s my top 10 thanksgiving episodes!

10. Pangs (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) Buffy is as a show I REALLY need to revisit. While lately, what with the abuse he did that we can’t get details on when making justice league or his you know cheating on his wife on and off over a decade, I’m not at all a fan of series creator Joss Whedon, Buffy itself is still a classic in my eyes. 

The tale of a teenager given the role of the Slayer, a chosen female asskicker given moderate super powers and the duty to defend the world from vampires and other ghouls. The show dealt with the usual teen superhero stuff, ballancing asskicking with saving the world and arguably codified the genre, to the point I hold it at least partially responsible for the bigger wave of teen heroes in the 2000′s in animation and comics. The show had smart dialouge, metaphors, mythology and a rich, and vibrant cast. Sure some things haven’t aged well like an adult vampire dating a teenager or the really dated ways Willow’s sexuality were handled, as groundbreaking as it was, from barely letting her kiss her girlfriend or be shown being intimate iwth her, or just entirley shutting out the posiblity she’s bisexual. But a few age wrinkles aside the show is still good and I still need to rewatch it and that includes our number 10 pangs, one of hte most memorable and well done thanksgiving specials and one fo the shows more comedy moments.  It’s thanksgiving, and Buffys mom’s going out of town, so she decides to hold thanksgiving at Giles place to bring her slowly drifting surrogate family together. Naturally given the way things usually go for our Slayer, she has a hard time of it as Willow chafes at celebrating colonolsim, Giles dosen’t get what the big fuss is about that or the meal being british, and Spike shows up looking for protection from season big bads the initiative, a secret military unit that’s chipped him so he can’t harm humans, so he has no way to eat and spends the mal tied to a chair. Oh and of course, a vengeful native american spriti from the chumash tribe has given Xander syphilis and killed a currator as revenge for his people’s suffering, so now Buffy has to fight a ghost bear if she want sa happy thanksgiving. Also Angel is back in town and being kind of a dick, but hey it leads to a good episode of his spinoff so whatever. 

Pangs is just a fun episode, not only does it do well by not ignoring american colonalisim, but it just has a fun energy to it as Buffy desperately tries to have a good thanksgiving, Spike instnatly proves his worth as an addition to the gang both chemstiry and comedy wise, and we of course get this classic moment. 

It had to fight it’s way onto the list, but pangs is a holiday dish worthy of sinking your fangs into. 

9. The Dressing (Aqua Teen Hunger Force) Speaking of nutty fun thanksgiving episodes.. this one is simply that. I love Aqua Teen Hunger force.. even if like a lot of comedy shows it drooped in later seasons, it still has it’s classics earlier on and even later on has a few gems. But on the earlier on side we have their utterly bonkers and delightful thanksgiving episode “The Dressing”, a sequel to the Christmas Episode “The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from The Future”, which itself is an utter classic, but we’ll possibly get to that in december’s list. 

The Aqua Teens are having Thanksgiving with Carl, whose naturally onlyt here for the free food and staying outside. it’s also days before or after, with black colored frito pie,a t urkey, and whatever else their broke selves could scrounge up.  However, naturally, like Buffy a normal day for the Aqua Teens just isn’t complete without some weird shit happening, thanksgiving gets interrupted by the cybernetic ghost of Christmas past fromt he future, whose transformed himself into a turkey and wants to save their turkey so it can lead a rebellion in the bizzare hilarious distopian hellscape he comes from. This of course leads to him getting drunk, eating all their food and later showing up with a laser sock to murder carl after the episodes over. It’s just a fun time, a really funny episode and one of the teens more memorable outings. Not a lot to say here, it’s just really damn funny. 

8. Arnold’s Thanksgiving (Hey Arnold!)  Anoter classic I really need to revist but that more than earns his place here. Hey Arnold.. is easily one of the best animated shows ever. I say that with no hyperbole as it handled slice of life well while still getting dramatic when needed to, and is easily the gold standard for slice of life children’s cartoons to this day. And naturally it’s holiday specials were great, and I only r eally haven’t revisited them because they also hurt.. a lot. So unsuprisingly this one makes the list. 

IT’s thanksgiving and given how chaotic things are for both Arnold and Helga’s families, our heroes are miserable. Arnold would understandably like just once to have thanksgiving on thanksgiving, his family instead doing fourth of july due to his grandmother being who she is. And Helga naturally is ignored and mistrteated as usual since her sisters home and her dad and alchoholic mother ignore her as usual even when she’s not around. What i’m saying is while Arnold’s issue is understandable, helga always wins a “whose got the shitter life” contest. 

So the two flee to their teacher Mr Simmons, a character I genuinely loved and loved even more finding out he was gay as an adult, as he was a kind , supportive teacher who could be a bit softhearted but wasn’t afraid to step the fuck up when needed. But they find his thanksgiving isn’t much better, as his Mother and wont’ stop sniping at his boyfriend peter and clearly isn’t entirely comfortable with her son’s sexuality, his friend keeps snapping at peter and mooching off him, and his uncle.. well he’s just a loud asshole who wants turkey.. The kids naturally realize the meaning of the holiday, reconclie with their families who DID take genuine steps to make up for them being gone and missed them, all is well. It just shows nobody’s family is perfect, and is well done in that but also shows why thanksgiving has grown beyond it’s roots: It’s a day for families to get together and even if they may fight, recognize why they love one another. I also give the show balls for heavily imiplying a character is gay and not slapping a girlfriend on him or any of the usual bollocks: Simmons just very clearly is gay and it’s as transparent as the show could get at the time, with the show making it crystal clear years later with the revivial movie. Nice. We’ll have more servings of thanksgiving classics after the cut. 

7. Slapsgiving (How I Met Your Mother) Oh How I Met Your Mother. You started out really good but boy did that go downhill fast and land in a nuclear inferno didn’t it? But I can bitch about the How I Met Your Mother Ending some other time, and probably will. In the show’s prime before they decided to stick with an ending no one wanted anymore, it was pretty great and while season 1′s also impressive Thanksgiving outing “Belly Full of Turkey” was considered, there was ultimately one slaptastic king when it came to Thanksgiving: Slapsgiving. 

Naturally for this show Slapsgiving ties into the show’s suprisngly deep and rich lore: The season before this, Marshall and Barney made a “Slap Bet”, which is exactly what it says on the tin: A bet where the winner slaps the looser. And due to Barney prematurely slapping Marshall, Marshall got 5 penalty slaps to be dolled out whenever, one in that episode and another in a coda to another. For his next one though Marshall decided to outdo himself and set up a counter.. and it all comes down to thanskgiving.  So we get a good ten minutes of Jason Siegel making meancing slap based refrences while NPH’s barney cowers in fear before Marshall’s wife lily pumps the breaks on the bet as comissoner.. only to reconsider when Barney makes the mistake of tormenting Marshall over it, resuling in the inevitible, and in THE thanksgiving song. 

Basically it’s what happen when you give three really funny people a subplot together. Magic happens. The subplot is not bad either as a pre-totallyinsufferabledouchebag Ted hooks up with Robin again over lingering feelings and thanksgiving prep and the two have to deal with that... though it’s mostly funny for Robin’s new boyfriend, who Future Ted acknowledges is barely older than them, but admits to remembering as decrept old man, which results in a  30 something’s dialouge coming out of a very old man and me laughing very hard. A simple joke but one that really works. Overall a slaptacular good time. 

6. Two Turkeys (Brooklyn Nine-Nine)

NINE NINE BITCHES! I’m honestly shocked I haven’t talked about Brooklyn Nine Nine on here already, but it’s easily one of the best sitcoms in recent memory, if not of all time. It has one of the best ensemble casts, great jokes and timing, yet still ballances things out with a sense of realisim beneath the madness> It’s also noticable for holding it’s officers more accountable than most real world police departments, to the point all scripts that were written up for next season were thrown out post George Floyd. It’s truly a joy to watch. 

So naturally they’ve had their share of Holiday episodes, with them easily having the best crop of halloween episodes since roseanne with their annual heists, and having some pretty damn memorable christmases, opening with this:

So naturally thanksgiving is no exception, with it’s last two being the best and it being a really hard choice wether to go with season 4′s “Detective Santiago” or this one. But as good as the other ep was.. this one inched it out for good reason. 

The episode’s split into two equally good, equally hilarious plot lines. In the B-Plot, the 99′s Captain Raymond Holt, one of the best characters in sitcom history and gay icon, and his husband Kevin take their annual trip to get a pie for Holt’s families thanksgiving and come back with the well crafted pie, even if both prefer their food nice and bland. But the pie go missing and Captain Holt procedes to hilariously drill into each of the other members of the 99 and uncovering holes int their previous thanksgving stories with Rosa’s being suprisingly heartwarming (She’s going to a humilating minons on ice show with her family because they reconnected in jail.. setting up the equally awesome “Game Night” episode where she comes out.) and Boyle’s being utterly pathetic as you’d expect (Cooking his son mac and cheese because he’ll eat nothing else and declaring him a “basic bitch”). The solution however ends up being heartwarming as the culprit is actually Kevin, who hated the pie.. as did Raymond who suggests just taking the drive anyway because they enjoy the silent ride there and back every year. It may be boring to us.. but it’s preicious and really sweet all the same.. as it is hilarous when Kevin treats this as a big endugence and seems turned on by that. What i’m saying is these men are couple goals and Marc Evan Jakcson was awesome long before ducktlaes.  The main plot is also great, as Jake and Amy, now engaged after this year’s halloween episode which is also , coincidentally, the series best, try to unite their families. It just goes about as well as you’d expect as Amy’s are type a control freaks, jake’s mom is a retired hippie school teacher and his dad is a human disaster area who has to be told to put on pants, cheated on his mom constantly, somehow got her back, and in general is barely functional on a good day. The families do bond breifly but things ineveitbly break down, hilarity and severed limbs insue and family comes together. IT’s just a funny, well done 20  mintues that’s also really damn sweet, with this plot ending with Amy’s dad accepting the chaos as that’s’ts what you do with family. Also jake naturally finds out he has a ton of step siblings as his dad was and still is a man whore. Happy Thanksgiving!

5. Bart Vs Thanksgiving (The SImpsons)

Let’s face it: if you follow my reviews at all you knew this was coming. While not one I go back to due to being an emotional kidney punch, i’d be doing this list a diservice if this classic wasn’t on there.  In a nutshell, Bart starts a petty fight with Lisa over her centerpiece that ends with it in the fireplace, Bart sent to his room till he apologizes, and Bart seething insiting he did no wrong. It takes a visit to the homeless shelter after running away, and ending up on the news, to realize what an ass he’s been and one nightmarish dream sequence later, seriously why do you think I don’t revisit this one that often? This thing has traumatized me since I was a kid and unlike the slap song I will not be showing it to you, has a heartwarming reconcliation with his sister on the roof. It’s just a nice, sweet special that gets the holiday just right and i’d expect nothing less from Golden Age Simpsons.  

4. A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving (Gilmore Girls) Another show I need to talk about more, Gilmore Girls is fucking awesome. The story of a woman who ran away pregnant at age 16 and built her own life for her daughter in the quirky town of stars hollow who finds herself reconnecting with her parents in present day against her will.. is really good stuff. Funny, heartfelt and really damn well acted with one hell of a cast, the show is part of me and I make no bones about that, so it’s big thanksgiving outing naturally belongs on here.  The premise is simple: Rory and Loreli end up having to go to four diffrent thanksgivings, which even for big eaters like them is a massive task, each unique and entertaining. The main event of course is Suki’s, where everyone’s faviorite chef agreed to let her husband cook the turkey.. of course with the plan to sneak in mid cooking and add her own touches. This gets foiled when Jackson and his family decide to deep fry the thing.. probably in part because Jackson knows his wife well and knows what she was planning. Though over the night while our heroines are at their other meals, it devolves into them deepfrying everything they can get their hand son including a shoe, and Suki getting plastered to tolerate it.  While not topping it the other meals and the sheer lunacy of four thanksigvings in one day, are still memorable: There’s the natural posh one at Richards and Emilys, the dour joyless one at The Kims where Mrs Kim forces the band to play the whole time and forces our heroines to eat food as joyless as Mrs. Kim, and Lukes for a nice round of Rory grappling with having PDA with her boyfirend Jess before resolving it at the end. Also dean’s a jackass. No one is suprised. Jess isn’t one at this stage in his character which is. Also Kirk adopts a cat that slowly pushes him out of his own house which works comedically becaus Sean Gunn is a national treasure. Overall a really good episode and if you have netflix and haven’t checked the series out, this is a good one to try out. 

3. The Thanksgiving Special (Regular Show) I already talked about this one in my top 11 Regular Show episodes so i’ll try to be brief. In a nutshell Mordecai and Rigby destroy thanksgiving and genuinelly feeling bad about it, scramble to win a thanksgiving bird from a Thanksgiving Song Contest, going up against an all star super group comissioned by Donald Trump. Yes really. Meanwhile Muscle Man and High Five Ghost go to get sides and the  rest of the park staff’s attemtps to get a turkey are thwarted by a bunch of thanksgiving reinactors who go unexplained in any way shape or form which given how rare that is for regular show, which usually has some sort of explination for the madness, just makes it funnier. It ends with a REALLY touching song, a fight on a blimp with outgoing president trump, and a truly heartwarming thanksgiving meal. All in all a nice special that combines the shows madcap nature with the genuine warm fuzzies of thanksgiving. 

2. We Gather Together (Roseanne) Another series I need to talk about more.. and another series where one of the creators has turned out to be a terrible human being. Seriously Roseanne Barr is is a terible person, she deserved to be removed from her show, and while the Conner’s isn’t GREAT it’s still FAR better without her. That being said I will still stick up for the original as she wasn’t the only one involved (indeed the aformentioned Joss Whedon worked on the show breifly and Gilmore Girls creator Amy Sherman Paladino not only worked there but later adapted one of Roseanne’s insane antics, making all the writers wear caps with a number instead of referring to them by name , to Gilmore Girls.). Her being a bad person even then dosen’t change the fact that the show is sitcom gold, one of my faviorite shows, and a true classic. And this episode helps showcase WHY. 

What makes this episode special, even among Roseanne episodes is it’s structure: While there are things going on it’s mostly a free floating day in the Families life and thus feels like your there with them through thanksgiving. It feels genuine, like past thanksgivings i’ve remembered: Everyone has their own stuff going on, they all eat, and there’s naturally a big blowup.. and one that eveyrone else ignores to eat which I can relate  to. That authenticity really elevates the episode and is why I seek it out every year. 

That’s not to say nothing happens, it just flows in and out like it would in a normal thanksgiving. Roseanne deals with her parents, a pre-abuser version of her dad and her overbearing nightmare of a mother beverly, and the inevetible blow up when Bev’s needling about Jackie’s life goes too far , prompting Jackie to reveal her new job as a police officer before bursting into tears, all to Roseanne’s annoyance. Rosie also moves them to a hotel despite an attempted guilt trip from her mom. 

Speaking of Mom’s we see Dan’s for the only time before the later seasons and the utterly terrible last season, a professional career woman whose moved on well from her ex and brought her new boyfriend there. Ed, despite some comptemplation over it is firmly accepting and instead starts flirting with the Conner’s friend Crystal. Dan, being overprotective because of his Daddy Issues, but ed cals him out on it “Being lonely is a hell of a lot for two people to have in common, you woudln’t knwo anything abotu that son, and I pray to god you never do” A great caper to a fantastic episode.. one I thought was going to top the list... THOUGHT is the key word here...

1. Turkey in A Can (Bob’s Burgers) This one is. Bob’s Burgers is one of the best things to come out of the 2010′s and i’ve fallen way too far behind on it, so I can’t say if any thanksgivings after thankshoarding top this one.. what I can say is this one is the gold standard for thanksgiving episodes, and is filled with great stuffing. 

Thanksgiving is Bob’s holiday. Being a chef he loves the chance to go all out, and really flex his muscles for his families when it comes to cooking up a storm, and it’s endearing when bob gets just as nuts as his family. But this year someone keeps flushing his turkeys down the toilet despite his best efforts, so while Louise hilariously tries to solve things to proe it wasn’t her (though it’s entirely fair they thought it was her consdering.. everything), while LInda, Gene and LInda’s flighty sister Gale try to write THE thanksgiving song. And while it’s no you just got slapped, damn if they didn’t succeed. 

Sailors in your mouth indeed. It leads to plenty of great jokes the best being the guy at the Deli Counter thinking Bob’s into him and bob not being sure how to respond, but being mildly recpetive. But the climax is what makes the episode as when Bob falls asleep we find his medication has been making him sleepwalk.. and thus put the turkey s int he toilet, as Tina’s desire to be at the Grown Up Table, itslef a REALLY funny runner as you’d expect, has him panicking internally and thus reliving her potty training. The episode ends with Bob letting her come to the adults table, and a rather heartwarming thanksgiving feast. All in all an excellent episode. It also leads to the chaos seen above whic hif htat’s not thanksgiving, I don’t know what is. 

Have a happy thanksgiving and check out my black friday sale! Until then there’s always another rainbow!

[wellthatwasaletdown]

'They weren't shitting on Louis'. Nope not trying to shit on Louis OR Harry really. Its just a waking up... from a sort of fantasy version of them BOTH. Its a huge part of why alot of people felt 'let down' by HS1. Because those fantasy versions of them did spread further than larries. For the record I LOVE and feel affectionate toward all the inbetweener characters. Even when they're being dickhead misogynists its easier to overlook because you're expecting it kinda. They're young.

1D mid twenties now so I would be expecting more - they should at least have graduated to Peep Show levels lol. (I won't make excuses for the same level of misogyny from HS2). But good intentions, a desire to care, is generally enough for me. I don't write men off because they have stripped out every last vestige of patriarchy from their psyches. Just the desire to be better, the humility to grow, is ok for me.

I think HS1 was such a shock because a combination of 1D sales angle (think lyrics to WMYB, Little Things), magnified x 100 by larrie editing of facts, created this amazing fantasy of these soulful, beautiful men who were passionate and romantic BUT resolutely weren't looking at women and rating them 1-10 on a hotness scale. We live in a culture hugely shaped by a man who leveraged his gigantic world dominating fortune off a site that did just that.

In that context 1D, but most especially Larry, and especially the soft, endlessly woke and compassionate version of Harry, were an incredibly tempting escape. Once Jef came on the scene that image began a slow unravelling because as HS1 confirmed he didn't understand the breadth of Harry's appeal at all (he clearly only knows LA women). BUT regardless the fantasy was too much to maintain.

There's comments like these from Harry, there's a vid of Louis I only saw recently where he can clearly be seen turning to say 'Ooh she's fit!' about a girl in the audience, all excited like. They're just not the gay Saints larrie paints them as. Its not shitting on them to acknowledge that, but it would feel shitty to only acknowledge for Harry while carrying on pretending Louis is some sort of Gay Che. Or is this blog just meant as a tit for tat against Harrie insults?

To be clear I am NOT calling the larrie fantasy as sex fantasy (fic aside) I think the 1D fantasy, but most especially Larry was of guy - mates, who could look at you as a person not a point on a scale of 'fuckability' or a rating of 'style/fierceness' blah blah. And part of Harrys stand out appeal I think was that even now, even after HS1, if you could get him away from Jefe et al, my gut feeling is if you were to lay all this out in a discussion with any of 1D, that you'd get four variations of huffing, sighing and defensiveness, but Harry would listen. Maybe after the defensiveness the others would listen a bit too. But Harry would listen from the start, would be interested and care.

That's possibly just some more lingering fantasy but that it can still remain shows just how much Holo squandered, literally squandered on what I believe was Team Azoff wanting to use Harry and the 1D effect to relive their 70s glory days.

I think the others (apart from maybe now Niall) would react with an instinctive 'ew icky girls feels that aren't about MY feels? Do Not Want!' But Harry would want to hear. That is NOT an accusation - that is just my totally subjective opinion but I think its shared by many (including the nicer) Harries, that Harry was/is interested in Your feelings. Even now, even after the navel gazing misogyny of HS1.

Thats some powerful shit no? And alot of it has to do with how they all treated the sensitive subject of larrie, over the years, but other controversies too. Harry did just enough to let people write in their preferred reaction maybe? Like I saw someone say Obsma was the last 'horoscope' politician ie: he was always just vague enough he could never be proven false, allowing people to write their own versions of what he meant to suit however things turned out, and I thought ooh thats what Harry does/did. Its undeniably effective, whether its likeable in the end?

1Ds real USP was allowimg millions of females to enjoy male company, male banter, but with a special guarantee of safety : a little haven from the space where all young male company comes at the price of being rated, being graded pn attractiveness. It all started with the lyrics to that first hit. With Harry crying and being vulnerable to public ribbing - because thats so often us right? Larrie can be seen as a fight to maintain that as it inevitably eroded in the face of us just getting to know these very standard issue lads better - as they plumped for the modelesque size zero gfs, and as little comments, moments chipped away at that fantasy they'd be your mate too, no probs. There are no avg looking women in the friend groups, Plenty of v v avg looking men tho. So it was always going to crumble maybe, that fantasy, but Harry by playing it v v safe with Larry let ppl hold onto it the most. And then flushed it all down the shitter in order to fall into with Azoff ideas!

Probably we're not being let down or otherwise by any of our inbetweeners, we're being let down by a move from mgt team, which contrary to popular belief, really, really knew what they were doing with their modern female fanbase (where girls are caught between a desire for sexual empowerment ala Nicki, Rihanna, and a desire for a retreat to less pronified times - see twilight, tswift).

1D, then Larry was an escape where you could just be a person, not have to think about anything like Even lyrically they generally walked a very careful line between cookie cutter romance and raunch. Perfect for tweens, but alovely break for every age really. As a marketing strategy it was sheer genius. And it is no surprise that Niall, who has stayed with Modest has actually continued on that line to the best effect. The Azoffs onth have not one clue. Just tragically behind the times. Zayn is still with Columbia and Sony which shows why he still has that '1D 4 America' feel. Lilo? Twt.

***

I am going to disagree with you regarding Harry listening. I think you are still assigning that fantasy view of him being a caring cupcake to him if you think that’s the case because his comments, including the one that inspired you to write these posts (flat stomachs) and his lyrics say something very different. They paint a picture of a very insensitive and misogynistic average guy who has managed to master making people think he’s listening when he’s not. The others would likely be defensive, like anyone would be but I think they are more likely to listen and alter course than Harry. I don’t get the impression he’s open to constructive criticism. And that’s not just on Jeff or the Azoffs, that’s who Harry is.

[bluesletter]

6 — Something to Talk About

“You boys gotta learn not to talk to nuns that way.”

When it comes to this movie, I’m a movie quote guy. “We’ll talk to Bob,” I say, out loud, to people, devoid entirely of context. They must think I mean to say something, anything else, that I have them confused with someone who knows what I’m talking about or, more likely, they ask, “what?” and I reply, “nevermind,” and we keep it moving.

“So often you won’t even notice,” I say about anything recurring and annoying. Once I worked at a bar that served orange whip shots. “Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips” was a thing said daily, by men, to one another in my presence, at which I always gave a hearty nod of acknowledgment that I was also in the club that got the quote.

Like good storytelling, my brain full of quotes have taken some power from the scenes they’re in. They are the piece that exists more fluorescently and in my everyday life; the scenes themselves are just memories. There is no good reason to ever think “My brother’s writing out an American Express traveler’s check … to cover the bar tab,” but it’s in there. And then when you rewatch the film, like an album you’ve played to death, your entire consciousness leans into the next track, finishes the quote, “I’d better check up. See how he’s doing. I have to sign it too.” Why do you know this? Outside of the movie, the quotes don’t even mean anything.

And I can’t even possibly remember the first time I saw The Blues Brothers, its images burned so indelibly, the errant dialogue bits branded into parts of my brain (and some floating untethered, ready to fly out at any moment) so as to make me a more annoying person than I’d be otherwise be.

As recently as a decade and a half ago the internet was stuffed with “soundboards” — flash files that produced .wavs of Samuel Jackson talking about tasty burgers, or Yodaisms, or Family Guy zingers at the click of your whim. Ringtones were considered a tasteful expression of self, and comedies and action movies rose or fell in cultural circles based on their one-liners. But the quote is already receding as a dominant display of cultural knowledge or expression, as movies deliver fewer punchlines and become broad IP-delivery mechanisms, plus the mode of jokes in these films is referential, not built around the wit of the comeback or crafty turn of phrase.

My buddy worked at a record label and came over one day, excited that the owner, his musical hero, had asked him to carry a table across the room, and my buddy had landed a “trust me, the pleasure’s all on this side of the table.” Office Space, boom, count it. 

It is possible that quoting movies is also one of the the last ways many men to talk to their dads. I love mine, and we do discuss life stuff, but a Christmas hasn’t gone by without a “Merry Christmas! Shitter’s full.” And misquoting barely matters with your Dad — it’s that you are mainlining his nostalgia into a conversation that otherwise would maybe not include shared reference. You grow apart, move away, develop your own interests, try to sling yourself from the gravity of his, but as sure as Christmas, my wife will say “very full. Lotta sap” when the Christmas tree goes up, channeling Clark Griswold. My dad texts me Coen Brothers lines more than he texts to ask how I am.

In the quote game, the more obscure, the better. “Mr. Man! Mr. Man!” from Blues Brothers is a step above “we want to buy your women,” and scores past “we’re on a mission from God.” I wouldn’t deign to drop a mission-from-God in public, but I haven’t been in a mall in my entire life without a “lots of space in this mall.” Quoting movies is also not the display of how many movies you’ve seen, but of how highly you esteem the ones we all agree on. The fervent quoter doesn’t have a better memory; the fervent quoter has just seen the damn thing so, so, so many times. The fervent quoter can’t goddamn help himself.

And when you both get it, the well-timed movie quote in conversation is the cameo appearance of that movie in your everyday life. You both see it, you get that flutter. The right thing to do, if you can, is to not mention the movie at all, but reply with your own. Don’t try too hard or overreach. Lucky for you, there are enough quotes in The Blues Brothers to go around. This place has everything.

[narutospork-blog]

Naruto Episode 1 (Part 1)

Episode Review:

We start Naruto like how much most series do with exposition. Oh, how we love exposition. I am not going to rant too much on this as most series do start with exposition. Avatar the Last Air bender opening Theme was a little over 40 seconds of exposition and it told us everything we need to know.

There are benders and there is an Avatar who can control all elements but he disappeared long ago when the world needed him most. There was a map of the world giving us understanding of how the world was bit. We understood there was war and Aanga is the Avatar and the adventure we are about to watch is him growing and becoming “the Avatar” and stopping the war. It is something that catches your interest right way.

My issue with Naruto’s exposition is well it kind of starts explaining the world then stops.

Like yo there is a demon he is destroying everything, this all happened twelve years ago, yo.

-A shot of the Kyubi “destroying Konoha”-

In the words of our “Narrator” he explains that the Kyuubi was “Crushing Mountains and creating tidal waves”

Before you think I am nitpicking this I am just going to point out. Konoha is nestled in the mountain I don’t remember ever seeing an ocean near Konoha. How is Kyuubi creating Tidal Waves? With the River? I did a little study on that and they are called tidal bore. So the Kyuubi is making imaginary tidal waves.

I will give Naruto credit as in the first episode it does look like the Kyuubi is attacking just a much of leaves in mountain but I blame it more on the budget than anything else. I know in later episodes it is drawn with him destroying the village. But I will point out I don’t feel anything as the of the plot so far and everything that was shown as not led me to feel much of anything.

–shot of a few ninjas who look like they are throwing poke balls-

I will acknowledge that they are throwing Kunia but look at the pose and the way he threw it is like he is throwing pokeballs and my favorite line at the moment. +

“Hold the Attack, Wait for the Fourth Hokage”

Thumb up Their Ass: 1 (This is what it sounds like. Whenever the main character, the village or an important character sits and does nothing because they are waiting for someone else to do it or an easy solution they get a count. This is going to be a high count I feel)

In the world of Naruto the Village Hidden in the Leaves   does what it does best in having their fingers up their ass. I will rant about this more in later episodes but as of now. Just sit with your fingers up your ass Konoha and wait for orders.

We continue the story on and see the fourth with a giant toad. We really don’t see the fourth just maybe that he has blond hair. And sacrificed his life and the words they use “A human body”

What?!  So not only did the Kage sacrifice himself but a human body as well. Not only that a baby. SPOLIER ALERT HE SACRFICED HIS OWN SON!!!!!!!!!!!! What if didn’t work out. Like demon was like this Jutsu is weak and breaks out. Then what? More Spoiler Alert we are a young readers just getting into Naruto. We have yet to learn who the Fourth Hokage is and that he is well Naruto’s father. The idea of putting a deadly demon inside a random child just seems cruel. No, this won’t get a Super Saiyan ranted about this enough.

We see the picture of the sacrificially lamb I mean baby Naruto.

Our next shot is of Naruto running around the village while trained…I repeat trained Ninja’s are chasing him. Keep in mind Naruto is not Ninja yet, he is not out smarting one ninja but four- five of them. They are just having a hard time getting him.

Naruto You Asshole: 1 (This is for every time your Naruto does something asshole like  )

It seems like Naruto the “Prankster” is vandalizing the president’s  the Hokages heads and just disrespecting the great leaders of the village.

First off Naruto wasn’t that creative.  I don’t get what point he is trying to make but when I first watched this I though Naruto just didn’t care and was just saying “F.U” to the village leaders. I mean he drew shit one of their faces. When I was little I used to draw a big pile of shit on people or things I hated. How wrong was I.

Any way Naruto decides to speak and I can’t help but love the words he elegantly tells the Ninja’s chasing him. They are “losers/wanna bes” and “they don’t have the guts to do what I did?”

Just leaving this here…not trying to prove a point or anything like that.

My question remains as to what? Vandalism? I don’t know Naruto, doing something doesn’t take guts but a lack of brain power. Is that the joke? Be an asshole, cause inconvenience to others by vandalisms. Because it missed the joke as a child and I am sure a lot of others did as well. What Naruto just did was wrong and disrespectful.

Naruto You Asshole: 2

We continue on and it is just me or does Naruto sound like an old lady? Well that is because he is voiced by an old lady Maile Flanagan https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maile_Flanagan. It is kind of easy to tell the moment Naruto opens his mouth and talks.

We jump from the Ninja’s chasing Naruto to two ninja’s tattling to the Kage. Yes I am using tattling because seriously he is only twelve years old. Why the fuck are you guys having a hard time catching him. Plus it also sounds like they are just whining.

The phrase they use at 1:20 “Lord Hokage we have an emergency!” The great and powerful Hokage’s answer is, “I hope you are not bothering me with something trivia, and don’t tell me it is Naruto, again,” Of course these great ninja’s do answer in their whiniest voice possible. “It is Naruto….”

I am going to agree with the Hokage, god damn you whiny ninjas do you bother him for everything Naruto does. I mean yeah I agree vandalism is a criminal offence but we don’t go calling the FBI or even president for something like that.

Thumb up Their Ass: 3

This gets two counts one because they had to bother the leader of the village. I mean they probably would bother the Kage if he was shitter. Two because Naruto vandalized four huge faces before someone took notice that Naruto was doing something to the great stone faces. If they respected the stone faces so much why did it take so long for them to notice?

This wasn’t a five-minute art project you give to a kid. This must of took all morning or something as he had to jump from face to face with different color paint in hand.

But if you put 1:34-1:36 on a loop it looks like they are dancing. I would say to the background music but really are dancing to techno.

We jump back to the same five buildings once again.  And Naruto is jumping from building to building and two ninjas are chasing after him and of course shouting his name in the most dramatic way possible.

We then have a confusing scene:

he jumps down okay we see that. And notice he has nothing in his hand just the paint bucket. 

here we see him jumping to the left of the screen. He is running. He clearly isn’t in that spot no more.

We get a second of this same spot. Meaning the Ninja’s are good distance away but they could see him and stuff

here they are they jump to the left of the screen to chase after Naruto. 

Then we get this. What is this? What is going on here?

Bam Naruto!!! My first question is how? How did he out smart a couple of ninja’s chasing after him? Two, where did the paint bucket go and where did that invisibility cloak come from. Did he steal it from Harry Potter? Harry is going to need to need that back you know fighting the dark lord and all. I can already sense a few of you are coming up with answers. No, he can’t use a clone jutsu because it was stated not even five minutes in this episode it is his worse jutsu, he can’t do it all. Don’t answer it is a cartoon, I don’t care if it is cartoon logic still has to work.

“I was the turkey”: 3

This gets the count because it is Kishi thinking he is being cleaver and going bam plot twist. He tricked the Ninja’s chasing him. He also tricked you isn’t that cleaver. Again Kishi if you want a cleaver plot twist here.

Black hole of Doom: 3

I don’t think I need to point out as to why this gets a count but I will. It doesn’t make sense plus it never gets explained how Naruto managed to jump from away from the screen to appearing in the middle. But seriously I want to know more about the “invisibility cloak” like is there mass production of them but it only works at a certain spot. How did he even get his hands on it?

Naruto reveals that he was the turkey and laughs. Or what is supposed to be a laugh and says, “That was too easy,”

Thumb up Their Ass: 4

You know that was too easy, I would I hate see what the village would be like during a crises situation.

-Whistles as she puts the picture away-

Dolphin man stands behind Naruto and I guess surprises him and Naruto does this weird sound effect but also defeats the laws of gravity and kind of just floats in the air for five seconds and it follows with cartoon sound effects. And Iruka is just watching while one of Newton’s law is being tested. And follows Naruto as he falls to the ground and Naruto manages to twist his body to face Iruka and so he could land on his butt.

This scene is memorizing I had to watch it a few times just to make sure what I heard and watched was correct. It was just so off putting.

Naruto ask in an accusing voice “Where did you come from Iruka-sensei? What are you doing here?”  Well you see Naruto when two people really love one another…. But really Iruka is a sensei (teacher) and really what is he doing outside of the classroom.

Iruka points, “No, what are you doing here? Your supposed to be in class,” as he points an accusing finger. No, really Iruka what are you doing here? Don’ t you have a class to teach. I don’t know much about the school in the Narutoverse but I always assumed Iruka was the one in charge of Naruto’s class so really what is he doing?  I guess we could say he chased Naruto during his lunch break.

We cut to our next scene of the classroom Let’s see who else failed exam all the characters.

Starting from the bottom left to right, we have bitchy one Ino, the one always eating because that is the joke Choji, cliché female Hinata, dog boy Kiba, the “smart” one Shikamaru and the one everyone forgets Shino. Two important characters,  Sasugay Sasuke, Bella Swan Sakura, Can you guess which character is important…psst it is the one with colors.

We get great exposition

How Naruto “failed the graduation test, last time, and the time before that” and how “tomorrow how /he/ has another chance”

Show don’t tell: 1 (Naruto is never complete unless Kishi is telling us what is going on. Kishi doesn’t depend on his readers to find out or let the conversation flow naturally no. We need a big all exposition dump. After all we as his readers are as dumb as his character )

Um…excuse me Iruka do you see the class before you? They are all Naruto’s age. I don’t get how this school works. I wish I did but for now I will point it out. If Naruto failed his graduation test so did all this kids sitting in Iruka’s classroom.

Black hole of Doom: 4

A count just for the damn school system that ever makes sense; It just leaves the readers more confused. Seriously I still cannot make sense of the school.

Naruto is like…so whatever man. 2:25 This Irks dolphins man so much he makes a cartoon sound effect. Seriously what is with the cartoon sound effects? I normally associates these sounds with American cartoons, not something at will later show blood and you know what add breast to it too. He punishes everyone because even he is confused by the sound he made as well and now “everyone will review the transformation Jutsu”

There is the beautiful because you hear the children groan and we get this weird PowerPoint flip transition. Again it is so off putting.

But we get to my and Kishi’s favorite character of the series Sakura Haruno or as I well like to call her the Bella Swan of the Naruto world. I will explain as I continue on reviewing this series but take note. Sakura only pay attentions to the hot emo guy. Bella’s only focus on was on the hot emo boy.

Any way Bella says her name and transforms into Iruka. Iruka praises her. Bella the strong independent woman we know she is turns to Sasugay and brags. If this was another series I wouldn’t care but as this is Naruto and Sakura and I know Sakura’s ending to me this is basically saying. “I as a woman will acknowledge my accomplishment if my man approves,” you think I am exaggerating. Haha, no it comes again in the very same season where Sakura is praised by Kakashi for controlling her Chakra and bashes Sasuke and Naruto and Sakura’s reaction is to protect Sasugay.  But I will get to that but this does start a new count can anyone guess what it is?

Stupid Girl: 1 (Sings: Baby if I act like that maybe he will me back. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR4yQFZK9YM Normal voice: This is based off P!nk’s song stupid girl. If anybody listened to the song it is basically talking about girls that have no dream or ambition but to act stupid and get guys number)

And another point here

You sexist, asshole: 1 (Kishi is sexist and I am going to prove to everyone every time he does something sexist with his female characters. “But their clothes aren’t falling off and the girls don’t show a lot of skin, so he can’t be sexist,” Wrong it is the action of the female characters that make Kishi sexist.)

Iruka calls “Sasuke Ue-chiha”  Sasuke Ue-chiha turns into Iruka not at all impressing Iruka as he just kind stared at Sasuke Ue-chiha saying “good.” I am going to take a random guess and Sasuke Ue-chiha is the cool emo boy that every girl wants to date.

I mean look at his slumped shoulders, and I don’t care expression and his hands in his pockets.  –Waves hand in front of her face- So cool, he is the bad boy every girl wishes to date no wonder why Bella Swan likes him and people ship them together. Hopefully he doesn’t try to kill her in later episodes.

I don’t know about you fangirls but that screams romance to me.

Iruka calls Naruto next and we get well just a couple of characters pissed off Naruto.

Shikamaru voices all our thoughts we have at the moment in of the show. Not even three minutes in, “Naruto, this a total waste of time,” why yes Shikamaru it is, I don’t know about you guys but I love it when shows are self-aware. Yes, everything about Naruto is a waste of time but we still do it anyway.  We get Ino giving us more exposition. “We always pay for your screw up,”

Naruto You Asshole: 3

No Naruto the trouble maker he is just answers with “Like I care” I have an issue with this as well. Again in the hands of another author I wouldn’t have a huge ass problem with the trouble maker who has a hard time making friends and screwing things over but, with Kishi it ends up being a problem for me. We are supposed to like Naruto and later on in this episode sympathize with this character who everyone one hates. The issue comes is Naruto is always fucking up and causing problems for his classmate and just being a huge dick about it. What Naruto does is play into people’s emotions, we don’t feel sorry for Naruto because we like him. We feel sorry Naruto because Naruto wants sympathy. There is no build up.

Naruto You Asshole:4            

Hand Holding: 1 (This should be pretty self-explanatory but I will explain it. Oh the Irony of this comment. Kishi has a tendency of holding his readers hands when we are watching/reading Naruto. He basically just in the end repeats what we already know into our head just to make sure we get the idea. This is different from Show don’t tell as hand holding is Kishi is walking with us in the story. Show don’t tell is Kishi just writing shit but not showing it.)

This gets a count because we already know Naruto is a screw up. I can hear some fans saying “But this establishes character for Shikamaru and Ino” . –Sigh- No it does not, you could basically replace these characters in this scene with dish soup and bucket, we would still get the point.

I forgot to add a point to this, because before Naruto was asshole to Iruka as well, which led to the punishment of the classroom.

Naruto You Asshole: 5

Keep in mind, we are supposed to like this character. Just bear in mind we are supposed to like all these characters. This is going to be a long series.

Oh, by the way fans we are about three minutes in and we got the names of our “main characters” (I use the term lightly as most of you reading this know why) but you should forget about them because they don’t appear for another two episodes.

We meet our Dandere character, Hinata Hyuuga I dislike her too. I dislike her a lot, I dislike most of Kishi’s females. I wish they would have a personality of their own away from the lead males. But us vagina people we only think of love. And yes Kishi did say that not from his mouth but Kakashi’s you will see when I get to that episode. Stupid vagina people.

As Hinata wishes Naruto “to do his best” I can’t help but wonder about this guy

what his story he looks so happy while everyone looks pissed. Did his friend say something funny? I wish I could no more about him.

Anyway back to the story we expect Naruto be all series as he suddenly has blue light around him. (I know it is chakra but as a newbie watching this this wouldn’t know).We get Kishi’s version of fan service. Kishi is really stretching the bar to get his female fans, naked woman who really is a twelve-year-old boy, a love struck tween. 

Naruto turns in a sexy female with boobs, hips and curves, he/she whatever we call it at the time looks “sexy”. The sad part is his female form more personality than any of Kishi’s vagina people. -Rolls eyes- She is fan service for nine-year-old boys, he/she uses her body to get what she wants.

You sexist, asshole: 2

The creepy thing is Iruka gets turned on, aroused. I am going to remind everyone Naruto is a twelve-year-old boy.  It is obvious it is a jutsu and that it is Naruto as Naruto’s sexy form

He still has his damn face mark.  On another note for an artist who claims he can’t draw females and that is why Sakura looks the way she does he drew a fucking sexualized version of female Naruto not even five minutes in.  I know this is the anime and someone else probably drew the picture but I will mention this, this episode is a plot based off the first chapter and it is alike in a lot of ways including this seen.

Iruka has a nosebleed (cause that is normal) because clearly he doesn’t get enough action if he gets turned on by that. I am creeped out a bit I will remind everyone Naruto is a twelve-year-old boy turned into a naked female and Iruka got turned on.

Kishi has a fetish and I don’t want to know any more than that.

Naruto turns back to normal and Naruto is laughing because an adult male getting turned on by that is normal. No seriously it is normal, the hokage, turend on by it, Kakashi, Yamato other male characters. I really hope this Jutsu dies off and is never used for anything important and ruins the emotion of the last arc.

We pan out the longest still frame ever, of staring in front of the school. I could have made coffee in that time. It pans to the hokages faces and we see Naruto mumbling while cleaning the faces of the hokage how much it stinks.

Dolphin man is like “you aren’t leaving till you cleaning all the faces”

And Naruto is like, “So what it is not like anybody is waiting home for me,”

Show don’t tell: 2

This gets a count because Kishi is telling us Naruto doesn’t have a family. In case all of you missed it Naruto doesn’t have a family. No one is waiting for him he doesn’t have a family, I am surprised Kishi didn’t straight up tell us Naruto is an orphan. This could have been easily summarized in scene and showed more emotion to Naruto coming home to an empty house and having dinner by himself. It is a cliché yes but it isn’t like Kishi himself is very creative from the start and isn’t a bad cliché it shows us that Naruto doesn’t have a family. I need to rant about this, but I will rant about in chapter three.

World’s tiniest Violin:2

Just so you know you are too feel sorry for Naruto he doesn’t have a family. If it wasn’t clear enough he doesn’t have a family or anybody waiting for him. We see Iruka deep in thought or as deep in thought Naruto characters before inviting Naruto for some ramen ‘the good stuff’.

So I get the point of telling Naruto he has to clean the faces of the hokage’s faces. He “disrespected” the leaders. But to reward the child after the mistake by treating him for some ramen, seems counter protective.  Sure Naruto had to clean the faces of the hokage’s faces he just graffitied, that no one noticed till he hit the last face. But he will get rewarded with some ramen.

This of course excites Naruto who says what a great motivator this is. And cut the kage’s faces and finally we see the title card of episode. Four minutes in and thirty seconds and I am not sure why it took so long. Nothing of real importance happened in these four minutes.

[nadiarizavi]

Plance day drabble request: domestic plance post-hbitb please? :)

i’m…… crying yes

“Why is it so hot in here?”

Lance followed the voice from his squatting position in front of the oven, eyebrows lifting in acknowledgement. Pidge was shimmying out of her sneakers, one hand on the open door frame for support, a pout on her lips.

“I’m baking.”

“It’s July.”

“Baking has no season.”

She huffed at him from the door. Pidge rarely admitted Lance was right, but when it came to dumb things like the perfect time to start baking, she figured she’d let him have a win.

Lance heard a quiet exclamation from Pidge once more, his eyes flitting between watching his cookies brown and his girlfriend padding over to where he sat, planting a foot on his knee.

“Your thermostat says it’s eighty degrees in here.”

“Oh, you’re just a baby,” the tease came easy, and Pidge suppressed a smile.

“Did you even think about how Blue might be feeling?”

That, he would admit later, did not even occur to him. A beat passed in silence.

“Hey Katie, think you can turn the AC up?”

“What would you do without me?”

“Uh, I’d still be baking in the heat, for one.” He planted a kiss on her calf before Pidge could snake away. “So how’s your day been?”

“Matt called. He said he might visit for your birthday…”

“I can’t believe Matt cares that much. I could marry him.”

Pidge snorted, clambering down to sit on the cool kitchen tile, wiping sweat from her palms. She hated the heat.

Her knee knocked against his.

“I mean, I was gonna turn him down.”

Lance let out a low whistle. “Reason?”

“I was thinking we’d ask for that Friday off and drive to the beach,” Pidge paused to wipe sweat from the space between her boobs. “I mean, it’s your birthday. We can do whatever.”

A hand slipped around her waist, and Pidge let herself be tugged into Lance’s lap. His skin was warm and sweaty, too, and although instinct made her want to wriggle away from the heat, she liked him enough to stay.

“Doesn’t matter, as long as I’m with my soulmate.” he put emphasis on the word, an eyebrow wiggle.

“Gross.”

“Wow, and here I thought I was going to let you have a cookie.”

“Maybe I don’t want your cookies.”

A grin began to form on his face.

“Oh, then maybe you want–”

“–I saw that one coming. From a mile away.”

She was met with a groan from her try-hard soulmate, a mutter under his breath about “one day it’ll work on you.” And, hey, she was already in his lap and pressing an elbow into his chest. And, hey, the last time she kissed him was last night after he raided her fridge for dessert.

It was sneaky. Lance wouldn’t admit he liked sneaky.

She grasped his jaw with a firm hand, leaning up a little further to meet him, pressing soft lips against his cheek and leaving the worst kind of heat. A tease. She was teasing him, still. Damn her, honestly. And he was a little giddy to see she wasn’t going to let go of him either.

“You’re terrible.” Lance confirmed, closing the space between them, one hand supporting her back and the other pulling her close. She snorted, accepting the kiss, adjusting herself to stand on her knees, just a bit taller than him. He didn’t resist being pushed against the cupboards, a secluded corner beneath the counter. The summer heat made him feel just the right amount of dizzy.

It was a moment before the kisses broke, and Lance let out a quiet wheeze. Pidge raised a brow.

“What?”

“You’re kneeing my crotch.”

She was a little too quick to push away, raising her head too fast.

Bonk.

“Oh my god.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“That’s another for the jar.”

“You’re such a–ah. There’s frozen peas in the freezer, right?”

“You’re hilarious. I love you.”

“Watch yourself, McClain.” Pidge paused for a moment, looking back at him as she rummaged through the freezer. “I love you, too, Shitter.”

Some smiles, Pidge didn’t try to hide.

Ding.

Lance sprung up, gearing to put on the oven mitts hanging next to the stove. “Finally!”

“Finally–oh.” Realization dawned on Pidge’s face as she recognized the scent. “You didn’t.”

“I did. Because, as you know, I love you.”

“Lance.”

“Hey! Holding a hot tray here. Back up.”

Pidge did as was asked of her, smiling behind a bag of peas, her free hand resting against his arm. The smell of peanut butter hung in the air.

“You and your romantic gestures.”

“Oh, you think I’m romantic?” Another raise of brows, another grin. She shook her head, a blush rising, brown eyes softening.

“A little bit.”

Lance resisted the urge to tease her. He leaned down, lifting the bag of peas to press a kiss against a cold, icy forehead.

“How about now?”

“A bit more. Now are we just gonna stand here saying sappy things or sit on the couch and devour these cookies?”

[omgnsfwisnsfw-blog]

NSFW #21: Traded

The dark was absolute. There was nothing discernable about NSFW’s surroundings other than a slight lack of solidity of the ground under their feet, a mild chill in the air, and the faint scent of grass, beer, popcorn, and other snacks, all mingled together in a familiar, nostalgic aroma. Slowly, and with no small sense of deja vu, Mike McGuire began to come to. She groaned as she found herself, once again, seated in a wooden chair and tied back to back with her partner. “Nnnngh… Church? You okay, bud?” John opened up his eyes slightly. His mind felt like mush. He mumbled his response. “Not really.” “Don’t worry. I’m right here, we’ll find a way out of this.” “Wait a second…” “Yeah. This is all really fuckin’ familiar, isn’t it?” Mike didn’t have time to comment on the odd repetitive feeling of their predicament any further, because just then, there was a strange electrical hum echoing from above, followed by the growl of machinery works grinding to life. Slowly, far, far above them, two roof panels slid apart, the full moonlight splashing down on the bound champions like a natural, silver-tinged spotlight. NSFW were tied up on a grassy field, smack dab in the middle of a gigantic blue star painted on the turf. All around them were cavernous, upward sloping rows of navy blue chairs, concrete stairways slicing them into sections. The massive rectangular hole that’d opened up in the domed roof revealed the starlit sky above them. Before either of them could say a word, though, the rhythmic beat of a helicopter’s blades cutting the air echoed through the empty building from the air above. The shadow of a large, luxury model chopper obscured the moonlight and hovered in place. Then, even more strangely, the figure of a man emerged from an open side door and, after a moment’s hesitation, lept out, falling toward them for about ten seconds before a parachute, adorned with the same blue star painted on the grass, opened behind him and slowly carried him down. Sensible but high end business shoes hit the blue-stained turf. The man was dressed in a dark navy suit, perfectly tailored to his somewhat thin frame, and had a head of wispy but neatly combed white hair. His face was lined with age and his eyes seemed set just a little too far apart on his head. He smiled at the captive tag team, the toothy, practiced smile of a Texas businessman. “Howdy y’all! You’ve been traded to my team!” “Oh no, not again. We’ve been coll-” “Shhh!” Mike looked back over her shoulder to the best of her ability, eyebrows raised in alarm. “You wanna get us sued!?” “Look at ya, big boy. You got the looks of my newest war daddy.” The old man then looked Mike up and down. “What are you, 5’1? 5’2?” Still not addressing the old man, Mike’s face lit up in recognition of just where they were. “Church. You know where this is? We’re on the fucking 50 yard line at AT&T Stadium.” “Right. This makes total sense.” “Ya see, things ain’t lookin’ too bright for America’s Team this year. Or any year. But we got ourselves you two. Jason’s gonna give ya call later, get you all acclimated. First, the Dallas Starlets. Kinda strange a guy wanted to be a starlet but hey, we got them male cheerleaders now. And now you’ll be the Newest Stars in Fort Worth.” “Aren’t we in fuckin’ Arlington?” “Same area, fellas!” Church looks up and all around. “Why?” Clearly the question was posed to his partner and not their current abductor. “Fuck if I know. Apparently we’re in hot demand lately and people can’t just send shit to our booking email. By the way, that’s nsfwtagteam@gmail.com, and we got pretty reasonable rates depending on date and occasion.” Church stood up from the chair all of a sudden, visibly annoyed. At least for him. Not even bothering with the illusion of being tied up. He looked at the local actor and gave a polite nod. “Thank you for your time but this is unnecessary.” Mike opened her mouth as if to protest- after all, they had just dropped a chunk of change renting the place for an hour- but nodded, getting up as well and brushing the fake ropes off. “You’re right, bud. This is kind of dumb. C’mon, let’s go.” Slipping an extra fifty bucks to not-Jerry Jones for his time and trouble, NSFW exited the stadium, their title belts slung over their shoulders. The picture fuzzed a bit as the feed transitioned from a professional camera setup to Mike’s trusty GoPro. “You know, EWC Faithful, ya boys have maybe gotten ourselves into a pattern lately. Little bit of overproduction, maybe where it isn’t exactly necessary. But hey, we did get a pretty nice location shot out of it. Check out where we are!” The picture whirled a bit, from the stadium growing slightly smaller behind them to the cityscape of Dallas growing slightly larger as they walked down the sidewalk. “It’s okay.” “I know it ain’t where we’re technically supposed to be, and believe me when I say we’ll be in Minneapolis when it’s time. But we thought the hometown of our opponents for this week might be worth a look.” Mike rubbed her chin. “The Dallas Starlets in Minneapolis. You know, Minneapolis used to have a hockey team called the Northstars that came to Dallas… eh, nevermind, I’m gettin’ off track.” Mike shrugged the thought off, waving to some passing fans who hollered happily to them. “I see you two wound up in FSW’s fucking meatgrinder of a match. I’ve gotta tip my hat to that- you’ve got some balls going through with it. Just make sure there’s enough of you left afterward to give us a good fight.” John walked at a slow pace but his long strides kept him side by side with Mike. “Nina Samson. Uriah Long. You two seem nice enough.” Then he stopped. Mike kept walking near out of camera shot before she realized the abrupt break. Taking a couple steps back around, she framed them up properly again. “But honestly, I’m not in the mood for it. Last time around, we’re amidst of a new chapter of a great story and then something happened.” “And that ain’t your fault. Frankly, you could be damn near anybody and we still wouldn’t have much patience for you. Patience, my little shiny Starlets, is a commodity we’re running pretty fucking scarce on lately. You can blame a particular... collection of shitters for that. Sticking their noses into business that wasn't theirs and will never be theirs. Here’s a nugget of wisdom to guide you through your rookie career, kids- you aren’t part of a story just by barging into it.” Mike snorted. Obviously, the events of the previous show were still irritating them both in a significant way. “Maybe we’re paranoid. Maybe we’re looking over our shoulders for a trio of underachievers and their cartoon villian of a manager. I’m sure that’s what they want.” John shrugged. “But maybe The Limit runs through them like a buzzsaw and we move on with our lives. So Uriah, Nina, since we were robbed of that chance last time, Mike and I need to make a statement. And if it has be against fighting cousins from the heart of Texas, so be it.” Mike held up a finger. “You’re new here, so let me define something for you. When my partner says that? He means that all bets are fucking off. You can be as fresh and cute and bright eyed and fuckin’ bushytailed as you want- we are running through you like shit through a goose. It ain’t personal. Like he said before, and I concur with- you seem like nice kids. Were circumstances better, we’d probably be friendlier. But it is what it is.” The Bronx brawler leaned over, glaring into the camera. “We want this over fucking quick. The longer we take to rip you apart, the bigger the likelihood some douchebags come swooping in like goddamn George of the Jungle to try and make their names off us. Again. Now, if you think you can handle that? A pair of pissed off Tag Team Champions willing to grind you into sawdust just to get you over with? By all means, bring it. This is your Come To Jesus moment, and we’re feeling like holy hell.” “Mike, the reason to all of that? I feel like we’re on the cusp of greater things. We’re in the catbird seat, waiting for our next challengers. I feel that I can speak for my partner that with this storm coming, we need to weather it. We’ve worked too hard to establish this division for others to marginalize us. We’ve already shown the Criterion what NSFW means. Contemplate this, Starlets. Mike and I as a unit have not been pinned or submitted since last May. And maybe the good times can’t last forever but I can’t fathom the circumstances where a pair that are so muddled by their fears and insecurities will have enough to stop this ride. One could consider that arrogance. It’s a possibility. Every time I step into that ring, I feel more and more convinced that all of this - was destiny.” And on the surface, that is exactly what it meant. But John’s words splintered into a duality that Mike would only be privy to. “And we ain’t the type to let anyone- from three sick fucks with delusions of grandeur to a pair of sweet little cowboy cousins- tromp all over the will of the universe.” Her hand, just out of the view of the camera, slipped into his. Acknowledging the secondary meaning of what John had just said. “Twinkle twinkle, little Starlets. Fight us with all your might, and maybe you’ll shine bright enough to beat us. But with the mood we’re in?” Mike shook her head, expression grim. “I seriously fucking doubt it.” That hard expression remained on the faces of both champions as the picture faded to black.

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: 2017 Get Serious Awards for Football

THIS column has become such a juggernaut we are dedicating an entire column to our own version of honours for the 2017 season.

That whilst all the other scribes and bloggers and twitter menaces have their say on who was the best, the worst, their highlights of the season, why would I begrudge this snowball of an audience by not chipping in with our own version.

So as we celebrate the home and away year in this chasm between the last round and the first week of finals, let’s look back and reminisce by calling it as we see it, who outperformed, underperformed and work out just who had the shitter year out of Damien Barrett and Mark Robinson.

Some of the following awards are cliché and obvious, some though are a bit different and unique to the Get Serious platform, so get on board, get yourself a cupper and a bicky, and prepare to be enlightened.

 SURPRISE OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Liam Jones (Carlton), Tom Mitchell (Hawthorn), Ben Brown (North Melbourne)

 Winner: Ben Brown – Bloody hell, the once-third ruck option down at Arden St. almost won the Coleman in a team barely able to avoid the wooden spoon. And the crucial kicker to be as good as the season was, it won’t be a flash in the pan. Given he is only 24 Shinboner fans can expect him to build on his 63-goal season, which is a scary thought really.

  DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Gold Coast, Western Bulldogs, AFL Senior Executives, the married ones, who should know better….

 Winner: The Match Review Panel – stuff the nominees, we had to give it to the MRP. Do we need to explain this one, I mean Jack Redpath, Brodie Grundy, Toby Greene, the list goes on. Horrid, awful, un-Australian really…

  GAME OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Round 2 Geelong defeats North Melbourne by 1 point; Round 4 (Good Friday), Bulldogs defeats North Melbourne by 3 points; Round 14, Sydney defeats Essendon by 1 point; Round 19, Collingwood draw with Adelaide; Round 22, Adelaide defeats Sydney by 3 points.

 Winner: Round 4 (Good Friday), Bulldogs defeats North Melbourne by 3 points – great game, great occasion. There were so many close, exciting, high standard games this year, it was the best season on record for close finishes, but we loved this game back in April. It was well promoted, it worked beautifully as an initiative, and on the fast track at Etihad the final term especially was pulsating.

  COACH OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Don Pyke (Adelaide), John Longmire (Sydney), Damien Hardwick (Richmond)

 Winner: Don Pyke – Horse and Dimma are stiff but here’s why: Horse has got the Swans into great shape, but we’re going to knock a couple points off for the start of the year from a coaching standpoint, and Dimma, he would have yielded a similar result to last year if it wasn’t for two things, the soft draw and the turnover of assistants. Pyke has kept the Crows up all year and deserves the minor premiership.

  TEAM OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Adelaide Crows, Sydney Swans, Richmond

 Winner: Sydney Swans – so we knocked points off Longmire in the previous award, but the best team for much of the year were the Swans, who almost knocked off the top of the ladder Crows in Adelaide. Yes, not a super start, but since Round Six no-one comes close, a phenomenal performance, scary, and given the Dogs saluted from 7th last year, the 6th placed Swans are a massive show to go one better in 2017.

  THE ABEL TASMAN PERPETUAL PLATE (MISS OF THE YEAR)

Named after Dutch sailor Abel Tasman, who on his journeys centuries ago, discovered Tasmania, discovered New Zealand, but sailed straight past Australia, and instead of being a Commonwealth country under British rule, we so easily could have been pot-smoking tulip farmers. Bloody Abel.

 Runner Up: Josh Bruce (St Kilda) for not one but two shockers in the goal square, down in Tassie against Hawthorn and against Richmond at Etihad.

 Winner: Melbourne – when your marketing department comes up with the website banner for finals arrangements, you better do better than six first quarter tackles when Collingwood has already kicked six goals and stuff up the unmissable finals spot at the final hurdle.

   THE LANCE ARMSTRONG AWARD FOR HONESTY (LIE OF THE YEAR)

Runner Up: Perth radio shock-jock Who-Cares McSomebody who had Nat Fyfe as a lock to St Kilda, weeks later the Dockers captain re-committed to the club for five years.

 Winner: Jordan De Goey – blamed a broken hand on playing with the dog before eventually confessing he did it in a weekend scuffle at a watering hole. Now come on Jordan…

  THE Y2K BUG GOLDEN JUG (WORST PREDICTION OF THE YEAR)

Winner: Me – for predicting West Coast will finish a strong third or that I had Fremantle improving resoundingly into eight spot. Yuck.

   THE GET SERIOUS PREDICTION OF THE YEAR

Essendon – In the lead up to the season proper I was bullish about the Bombers in 2017, that the 2016 wooden spooner could do the unthinkable and ascend into a September appearance as early as a year later, and then March 30 suggested Dons fans get ready for finals, they are good enough now. Low and behold, they came through like a treat, well done to the club and the faithful alike, pretty amazing year.

  FIRST YEAR PLAYER OF THE YEAR:

Nominees: Andrew McGrath (Essendon), Sam Petrveski-Seton (Carlton), Sam Powell-Pepper (Port Adelaide)

 Winner: Andrew McGrath (Essendon) – you don’t believe how much I wanted to award my pre-season Rising Star pick SPP but one must concede the Bombers defender did just enough to pip the bull from Alberton. Amazing poise and contribution, consistently over the entire year too, so whilst it’s closer than many think, especially those Victorians who don’t see enough of Port Adelaide, this one goes to McGrath.

  THE CHER MEMORIAL TROPHY (“If I could turn back time” REGRET OF THE YEAR)

Winner – Chris Mayne (Collingwood) – Four years. And VFL track-watchers advise his form in the seconds as the year progressed was hardly progressing either, not good. Four. Years.

  THE 1944 NORMANDY LANDINGS MEDAL (TACTICAL MOVE OF THE YEAR)

Winner: James Sicily (Hawthorn) – Sicily was an ‘ok’ key forward prospect in a club who started the season 3-6. Alastair Clarkson throws the magnets around, turns Sicily into a tall ranging midfielder and with great success it helps turn the Hawks season around. From that point, the Hawks lose only three of the next ten games and 22-year old averages 24 disposals and nine marks a game in that stretch – a superb positional move.

 THE GET SERIOUS PLAYER OF THE YEAR

Nominees: Patrick Dangerfield (Geelong), Dustin Martin (Richmond), Tom Mitchell (Hawthorn)

Winner: Dustin Martin (Richmond) – Geelong are annoying but somehow get the job done, and hosted a preliminary final as recently as last year. The Tigers meanwhile stunk so bad last year if their coach not had this year already on his contract he would have been booted. We award this to Martin over Danger because of the influence he has had on his side finishing where it has. We rate the Cats list a little better than the Tigers list, structurally, especially with tall stocks, the Cats do a lot better than the Tigers. But the games that Martin has single handedly won are mesmerising, and not to downplay Dangers’ 2017, he has been a jet, this column just acknowledges that in our view, Martin was a smidge more valuable, a smidge more influential, a smidge better.

  And now the big one….

 THE SEAN SPICER ‘SWINGERS PARTY KEYS IN THE BOWL’ PAPER MACHE BOWL FOR OUTSTANDING MEDIA PERFORMANCE IN FOOTBALL JOURNALISM

Nominees:

Damien Barrett – ‘breaking’ the Rod Butters story about his alcohol and drug issues as President of St Kilda on the Footy Show when the Herald Sun ran the same tale as a feature six years ago, and also for being very boring, more narcissistic as the year progressed, and for claiming on his own podcast St Kilda had double standards for criticising Sam Newman’s transgender comments when by doing so was double standards in itself.

 Mark Stevens – late entry, but for following Dustin Martin to Auckland this week, chucking a microphone under his chin at the airport and expecting something. Martin is as introverted a footballer anyway, let alone the fact he was going to get nothing close to ‘hi Stevo, look, I can reveal to your audience exclusively, since you made the effort to make the trip over here, that I will be moving to North Melbourne next year”. And for ‘making up’ that the Pies want/need Jarrod Harbrow. Time to take a look in the mirror Stevo, average by you.

 Mark Robinson – one thing to send out an insensitive tweet about a player with depression, but it’s another thing to reach out with an apology letter, after being told not to, which included an interview request at the same time to further feather your own nest. Seriously you can’t make this stuff up sometimes.

 The Winner – Mark Robinson. Not a great year for the chiefy chief-chief of the sport’s biggest publisher. But the clincher for our friend Slobbo ‘Time to say no at the dinner table’ Robinson, was when he accused in the wake of Tom Boyd’s public battle with depression, that manager Liam Pickering or president Peter Gordon might be to blame for the illness, for not thinking of the psychological repercussions of the monster contract that Boyd signed in moving to the Dogs a couple years ago. Really? Very ordinary stuff. Time for a spell we think, maybe a ‘promotion’ to the classifieds section of the Colac Observer, or into photocopying for the Ovens Valley Bugle?

    (originally published August 30)