#waylon smithers speaks

[waylonsmithers-speaks]

[dreamingreality00]

A Distraction - Chapter 1: Painting

Waylon Smithers/Moe Szyslak Word Count: 2,347 Summary:

The idea that it wasn’t the alcohol, nor the paint that Smithers was looking for to distract him, but that it was Moe. Moe’s companionship being something that Smithers simply wanted made his mind race and his heart thump painfully in his chest.

Moe didn't need help painting the tavern. He didn't need help, and yet he couldn't bring himself to tell Waylon to leave, especially not with how difficult it was to speak around the man. Besides, he needs a distraction, and who is Moe to deny him that? Ao3

Though the bar always looked like it was falling apart, Moe did his damndest to keep it from actually doing so. He didn’t have the budget to hire contractors or even actual employees to help him, so over the years, he’d gotten pretty good at fixing the place up himself. Sure, he’d been shocked more times than he can count by the electrical wiring, and sure, the building wasn’t as structurally sound as “building codes” would have it be, but the bar was still intact, and that’s what mattered. 

Today, he was repainting the bar. It wasn’t like he was redecorating or anything—it was just some required yearly maintenance due to the stumbling drunks that wrecked his walls by throwing things and running into them. 

He moved to a particularly bad chip in the wall caused by some guy he didn’t care to learn the name of. Moe remembered having to force the guy out after a particularly violent and impassioned rant about how his ex-wife was going to pay for how she treated him or whatever. It was neither original nor interesting, and Moe wasn’t interested in his bar getting ruined further, so he kicked the guy out. 

In all honesty, he would have just dealt with it most nights—money is money, after all—but he’d been listening to Lenny and Carl flirt back and forth all night and frankly it put him in a sour enough mood to want to take it out on someone, and that guy was the perfect target. He didn’t even know why it had made him so upset, but there was a discomfort there that he couldn’t shake. He didn’t have a problem with gay people! But still, there was something deep and inexplicable in his chest that ached that night and it made him uncomfortable.

The sound of the doorknob turning brought him out of his thoughts and back to what he was doing. That part of the wall was done for now; it would need a second coat once it dried.

Setting his brush down and brushing his hands off, he stood. “Go away, Homer,” he said, having already shooed off Barney, Lenny, Carl, and Barney a second time. He would have locked the door, knowing damn well that his regular patrons refuse to read his signage, but that, too, was broken. He would get around to fixing that next week, or whenever he got to it.

Not like anyone wants to break into this dump, anyways, he thought bitterly.

To his surprise, though, the expected groan of disappointment didn’t come. Instead, he heard somewhat tentative footsteps coming closer. Struck by the image of his cans of paint kicked over and splattered around the bar, thereby wasting money and more of his future time getting it off everything he’d lazily left uncovered, he spun around.

“Homer, I told you, go awa-” his breath caught as he came face to face not with the balding regular he expected, but instead with blue-gray slacks, a well-groomed head of gray hair, and a confused face that almost obscured a pair of sad eyes.

“Wayl- uh, Smithers,” he stammered out, feeling weird about using the man’s first name, “What’re you doin’ here?” Maybe he shouldn’t feel weird. Smithers had been coming to his bar…not often, per se, but more than usual lately. Moe regularly served his employees, and knew far more about the man than he should as a result. Hell, they’d even kissed before, though that was a long time ago, and it didn’t mean anything. At all.

Moe was suddenly acutely aware of how he looked. His hair was pulled back from his face with a ratty old hairband, and the dirty apron he had on was doing absolutely nothing for the majority of his body that was covered in paint. He was a mess because he couldn’t be bothered to fix his appearance up any more than that, like always.

He wondered why the hell he felt so uncomfortable, then, with the way he looked in that moment. He shuffled a bit, fighting the sudden urge to take the headband off and fix his hair into place as Smithers looked at him.

Smithers cocked an eyebrow at him. “I’m here for a drink, Moe. What are you doing?”

“Painting. Duh.” Moe gestured around, unsure of what the man was missing here.

Smithers rolled his eyes. “Yes, of course. I more so meant why are you painting?”

“Bar needs it,” he said matter-of-factly. “Drunkards come in everyday and mess somethin’ up. If I didn’t do regular maintenance around here, it’d look a lot worse than it normally does, believe me.”

“Don’t you have, like, anyone else that can do that stuff? Surely you don’t have the time to own this tavern, single handedly man the bar, and do all of the repair work around here?”

Moe let out a laugh. “Ha! Maybe I could get someone else to do this work if those bastards ever paid off their tabs. ‘Til then, all repairs and renovations to this here tavern are done by yours truly.” He puffed out his chest. Sure, it was annoying to have to do all of that work on his own, and yeah, maybe the tavern wasn’t the most attractive building in Springfield, but there was a sense of pride there in knowing that his bar was his, inside and out.

Smithers stood there for a moment, expression unreadable to Moe, who shrinked a bit under his gaze. He seemed to be weighing something in his mind, and after coming to an apparent conclusion, he shrugged and bent down to grab a paintbrush and a paint tray. 

“Wha-what are you doin’?!” Moe asked, tone a bit harsher than intended. 

Smithers gave Moe a smirk, causing Moe to look down at his lips before looking away with a flush. “Painting. Duh,” he mocked the tone Moe had used earlier.

Moe looked back at him. He could paint this bar himself, and he didn’t have the money to pay anyone to help him. And he had a sneaking suspicion that he would stop feeling so jittery and nervous if this guy left.  “Ah, listen Smithers, you don’t need to-”

“Moe look,” he cut him off before he could get started, walking over to one of the other particularly rough spots on the wall where a patron had gotten a little too drunk and a little too excited and ruined Moe’s Tavern in the process, “I need something to get my mind off of—well, stuff. If you’re not going to serve me alcohol, I need to do something, so let me do this.” 

Snapping his mouth shut, Moe stood there, brows furrowed in confusion. There were countless other bars—most far nicer than this one—that Smithers could go to if all he wanted was to get drunk to forget things.

A thought burst forth in his mind, unbidden, before he could stomp it down. The idea that it wasn’t the alcohol, nor the paint that Smithers was looking for to distract him, but that it was Moe. Moe’s companionship being something that Smithers simply wanted made his mind race and his heart thump painfully in his chest. 

Suddenly unable to breathe comfortably, Moe turned back around and picked up his own brush, shaking his thoughts away as best he could. Smithers’ workplace was simply close to Moe’s Tavern, that was all. That was why he had the regulars that he did, and that was why Smithers was here right now. 

“Well, fine,” he grumbled, unable to find anything more eloquent to say in response. “If you really wanna work for free, I ain’t gonna stop you. But don’t go messin’ up my bar!”

Smithers chuckled. “Sounds like a deal, Moe,” and Moe once again felt an unwelcome heat on his face. Annoyed with himself, he went back to painting his walls, slowly fixing up what he used to think of as “character”, but now understood to be part of the reason why he never gets any business. 

They worked in silence for a while, the only sound that of the movements of their brushes against the trays and the wall. Moe glanced over, watching as Smithers carefully worked at blending the paint in so it didn’t look too obvious that it was a patch job. Something inside of his stomach flipped violently at that, so he decided to break the silence before he did something stupid like propose.

“So, uh, what was it exactly that got you paintin’ the walls of a bar you don’t own for free?”

Smithers jumped at a bit at the sudden break in silence, flicking a bit of paint onto his green jacket. Cursing quietly, he moved to take it off, clearly concerned. “Ah, shit, sorry. Let me—” Moe rushed over to the inventory closet to grab an extra apron, frowning deeply when he came up short. Looking down at his own clothes, he shrugged and took the apron off. Wasn’t like he spent good money on what he was wearing. In fact, he was pretty sure he found those pants abandoned in the men’s restroom one night. Smithers wasn’t like him, though, and he deserved to not have his wardrobe ruined while helping Moe out. Walking back to the front of the store, he called out, “Here ya go. This isn’t fancy or nothin’, but it’ll keep the bulk of stray paint off of your…” he trailed off quickly as he looked up to see Smithers, jacket off, with the sleeves of his well-fitted undershirt rolled up. “Um,” he swallowed, “off of your clothes and whatnot. You probably paid good money for those, after all.”

He shoved the apron towards Smithers—who took it with gratitude and put it on—then turned around quickly, praying that Smithers didn’t notice how he was acting. Moe’s entire body felt as though he were on fire. Why the hell was he reacting like this? He was a grown man, not a schoolgirl with a crush on some guy. Some guy. Moe wasn’t even—he never considered—like he didn’t have a problem with it, but. He wasn’t gay. And even if he was, he wasn’t into Waylon. He didn’t perk up when he saw the man enter his bar, he was not jealous of that old jerk of a boss that he followed around like a lost puppy, and he certainly, certainly, did not feel aroused at the sight of Waylon’s toned arms and slightly tousled hair in front of him just a few seconds ago. Because that would have a number of implications that Moe was thoroughly unwilling to face, not the least of which being the certainty of rejection and embarrassment.

“You were asking me a question,” Smithers interrupted Moe’s internal crisis, “about why I was here.” he sighed. “I don’t really know, actually. I, uh. I’ve just sort of been coming to a whole host of realizations for a while now that all just…came to a head today at work and I. I don’t know. I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts, so I came here.” Smithers laughed, short and without amusement.

Moe blinked.“Um. You, uh, you can always come here, y’know? You’re always welcome.”

Smithers looked up and gave him a small smile. “Thanks, Moe. That means a lot to me.”

Moe returned the smile, the pounding in his chest reminding him that he should get back to work before he did something embarrassing.

After a moment, Smithers spoke up. “Moe, do you do repair work like this on a regular basis?” 

He cocked his head to the side. “Yeah,” he lied, not entirely sure why, “I do repairs every Thursday afternoon, if there’s something to do. Which there always is, because my customers love breakin’ my stuff. Don’t get much business on those days, anyways.” 

Smithers hummed in acknowledgement and got back to work, a silence settling over them that Moe was afraid to break as the light from outside faded into a soft but persistent golden orange. Even that was left behind soon enough in favor of the stars and the streetlights that washed them out. 

“Well I think that's all of it.” Smithers looked around after he sat his paintbrush down. There was a clear sense of pride on him that made Moe's heart swell, and a sheen of sweat on his brow that made Moe's traitorous body react with interest. “Thank you, Moe. This really did help.”

“‘Course. I mean, who would turn down free labor?” he chuckled, though it sounded forced and wrong to his ears. He hoped Smithers didn't pick up on that.

Smithers stepped closer, stopping at what anyone else would consider a normal distance but what felt to Moe like way too close, too close, back up. “I wouldn't say it was free,” he said, voice too low and gravelly, eyes not moving from the man in front of him. 

Moes breath hitched and he wondered—feared? hoped?—if he was going to kiss him right then and there. Before he could do anything about that thought, he felt a ball of fabric getting shoved into his hands. 

“You need this back, right?” Smithers asked, entirely unaware of how much Moe was fighting the incredibly stupid urge to ask him to keep it, like they were boyfriends and the item in question was a comfortable hoodie, rather than a gross apron that Moe had owned for years. 

“Um. Yeah, yeah. Thanks.”

With a warm smile, Smithers turned towards the door.

“W-wait! Hey, what do you mean it wasn't free? Smithers, I already told you I don't have the money to pay anybody to help me with this stuff.”

He turned around, smile growing. “Call me Waylon, Moe,” before walking out the door.

Moe stood there, confused and giddy and annoyed and uncomfortably warm. “Bye Waylon.”

He was fucked. He wasn't sure how, or in what way, or if he'd be entirely opposed to the idea, but he was fucked.

[63]

The problem with talking about the Simpsons with literally anyone ever is that I'll inevitably bring up Waylon and they'll of course be like Huh? Who? And then I have to explain that who I'm talking about is Mr. Smithers, and I'm referring to him by his first name, because I'm fucking insane, and despite years of trying I have been unsuccessful in making myself call him Smithers when speaking with the rest of the human populace at large. So basically I end up never talking about the Simpsons with people I don't know because I can't show that heavy of a crazy card on like day two of knowing someone

[theloreofmandy]

Silent Smithers

I believe Season 34 will be the first season where Waylon Smithers doesn't speak a single word. We only have 5 more episodes to go, and I doubt he'll say a word.

I blame these new writers, plus the writers that usually make prominent Burns and Smithers episodes are Brian Kelley and Rob LaZebnik. Smithers will have a speaking role in season 35, thank God.

Come on, Patty, Selma, Helen, Tim, Kirk, Luann, Willie, Otto, Hibbert, among others have had at least a line or two.

[circusgoth-dotcom]

okay temporary shitty mspaint relationship web

Keaton and Krusty are boyfriends

Keaton has a crush on Homer but it's unclear if he's aware of Keaton's feelings or reciprocates them

Sideshow Bob has a very much unrequited crush on Keaton

Keaton's closest friends are Ned, Homer, Marge, and Waylon, but he's never actually crossed paths with Smithers in person

Ned is definitely Keaton's best friend but they don't always see eye to eye due to Ned's religious devotion

Keaton and Snake crossed paths at a casino

Keaton knows Barney, Lenny, Carl, and Moe through Homer

Obviously Keaton knows Apu as a regular of the Kwik-E-Mart

I forgot to put him down but Keaton's also acquaintances with Willie and they probably met through Keaton being tasked with picking up Bart and Lisa from school one day

Speaking of which, Keaton is Bart, Lisa, and Maggie's godparent

i think. that explains everything for the most part, if you want to make further inquiries about any relationships i'd love to talk about it <3

[thegoodguyslose]

me when looking through any form of Simpsons merchandise: if Smithers isn't here it's homophobia

[littleoddwriter]

Waylon Smithers x Trans male reader small fix where Waylon is exhausted and emotional from work and reader comes to comfort him

Your Love Gives Me Strength | Waylon Smithers x Trans!Male!Reader

Hey there! Thanks for the request, I really hope you like what I've done with it! <3

summary; See above.

notes; Trans!Male!Reader; Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Fluff.

As soon as Waylon walked into his apartment and was all by himself for the first time that day, he realised just how drained he was. Not only that, but he felt incredibly short of crying. He guessed that it was because of how stressful work has been (and that was saying something, considering it was always stressful and hard). Maybe a small part of it was also that he hasn't really seen you lately because of that.

Sitting down on his couch with a deep sigh, Smithers took his phone into his hands and called you. He hoped you weren't busy now either. He hasn't really thought this phone call through.

After the second dial tone, it clicked and you picked up.

"Hey, my love!" you greeted him with an audible smile in your voice.

For some reason that caused tears to well up in his eyes. What was wrong with him today?

"Hi," he answered shakily, swallowing thickly to get rid of the lump in his throat.

"Waylon? What's wrong?" you asked worriedly. He wished you hadn't picked up on the way his voice had betrayed him.

"Nothing," he shot out quickly, but relented soon after with a defeated sigh, "Just... work, I guess. Could you come over, please? I, uh, I miss you."

"Sure thing, honey, I'll be right there!" you told him and he felt instantly relieved. "See ya!"

After he disconnected the call, Waylon practically threw his phone aside and let himself fall back into the sofa.

You were far too good to him for coming over as soon as he asked for it.

How many times has he told you that he couldn't come see you because he had to work?

How many times had he been too exhausted and out of it so that he cancelled your date?

He couldn't say, but he knew it was far too many times that he's done that.

And yet you always dropped everything for him to be there when he needed you. He needed to make it up to you. He'd have to take a week off and just spend that with you and only you. Both of you needed it.

Soon enough, his doorbell rang.

Waylon opened the door for you and immediately found his arms full of you as you hugged him tightly. Awkwardly, you both moved further into his apartment without letting go of each other. You closed the door behind yourself with your foot.

Then you loosened your embrace a little to lean back and look at him. A tiny smile graced your lips. He couldn't help himself and kissed you, and you reciprocated.

For a few minutes that was all he needed and what he wanted to do. He forgot everything around him when he was holding and kissing you, standing in the middle of his apartment like this.

Eventually, though, you broke the kiss and let go of him, only to take his hands into yours and guide him over to the sofa he had just been sitting on.

"Do you wanna tell me what's going on?" you asked him with a furrowed brow as you looked him over in concern.

"There's not much to talk about if I'm being honest," Waylon said, "I simply need some time off and spend it with you."

As he voiced his thoughts from before to you, you smiled.

"You and me both, yeah," you chuckled softly, "I think that'd be good. I've missed you lately. Haven't seen you at all. And I know Mr Burns keeps you on a tight leash and all, but you're still my boyfriend, not his, you know?"

"I know, you're absolutely right. And I apologise. I shouldn't put my work above you," he told you sincerely, as he felt tears well up once again. Oh, how he hated this!

"Glad we talked about that, then." You paused for a second. "What do you need right now? How can I help you?"

Waylon shook his head, not trusting himself to speak, lest he might start crying altogether. He didn't know what he needed or what you could do. You were already there and he hadn't thought further than that. All he wanted was you.

"Hey, it's okay, Waylon," you shushed him softly, wrapping your arms around him again. He rested his head on your shoulder, as you soothingly rubbed your hands over his back and right arm. "I've got you."

Exhaling slowly, Waylon closed his eyes and let a tear slip and fall. It was all right. He was safe in your arms.

"I love you, Y/N. I'm really sorry about how work's gotten in the way of us again."

"I love you, too. And it's okay. We'll figure things out. But first you gotta get at least a week off," you said and he could once again hear a smile in your voice.

Waylon truly was lucky that you were so understanding. You were pretty much his first boyfriend that was.

"Definitely," he answered with a smile of his own. "Thank you. I feel better already."

"Boyfriend magic," you whispered playfully, leaning in to kiss his cheek and then his lips.

He certainly couldn't argue with that.

[raichoose-gone]

Push Meme - Accepting

@springfieldpowerplant​ asked:  Oof to waylon from burns

Send “OOF” to pin my muse against the wall by ACCIDENT

When Burns trips, accidentally pinning his assistant against the wall in the process, there’s a moment where Smithers wonders whether this is another one of his fantasies.

But, no ... It can’t be. He’d kiss me if it was ...

Still, even though he’s adequately assured this is reality, he can’t quite bring himself to move, or speak, or do much of anything, really.

All Smithers is able to do is just stare back at Burns, a deep red slowly coloring his cheeks. 

// Thank you! Please ask before continuing.

[fiction-fun]

A Hidden History

Fandom: The Simpsons

Pairings: Monty Burns/Waylon Smithers

Words: 4363

Warnings: Suicide mention, child abuse, spousal abuse

The young woman stood outside of the doors to the large mansion clutching a few files in her hands.

'So many people have told me not to come here, but he deserves to know the truth. That’s all I want, is to share the truth.” She thought before squaring her shoulders and knocking on the large doors.

She heard the quick tip-tap of footsteps coming from the other side and smiled gently. The door swung open and a man with a purple bowtie stood there looking at her.

“Yes? How can I help you?” The man asked.

She took a deep breath and held out her hand, barely managing to keep the files from slipping out of her grasp.

“Hello, I’m Kaleyanna King, I was hoping Mr. Burns could spare a few minutes to hear of an old….uhm…acquaintance of his.” Kaleyanna said trying to word it right.

The man paused before sighing and waving her in.

“I can’t guarantee he’ll meet with you, and I also can’t guarantee that he won’t release the dogs on you, but I will go ask him.” The man said turning away from her.

“Don’t worry, I wore shoes I can run in, I’m well used to dogs being released on me.” Kaleyanna said a small bit of self-hating humor in her tone.

The man paused briefly before continuing on. It took a few minutes before he returned.

“This way, he says you have five minutes from when you enter.” The man said as they walked quickly.

She nodded.

“That’s longer then I thought I’d get.” She responded.

He didn’t reply just pushed open the door.

“Smithers! Who is this?” asked the hunched back form sitting at the desk.

The newly identified Smithers took a breath.

“Kaleyanna sir, the one who is here to share details of an old acquaintance of yours.” Smithers said watching him.

Kaleyanna's face softened seeing the love in Smithers eyes.

“Right, Right. You’ve got five minutes, wow me.” Mr. Burns said sitting up.

Kaleyanna stepped closer placing an old dated picture in front of him.

“I believe you knew her as Celeste and then Galaxy. But that is my Grandmother, Marianna King. Years and years ago she used to dance in clubs, back when that was still a new thing.” Kaleyanna began.

Mr. Burns held the picture delicately in his hands, his face softened slightly at the image.

“Yes, I remember her. It was many years ago.” Mr. Burns said voice soft.

Kaleyanna nodded, not looking away from him to see his reaction, but she still noticed Smithers standing faithfully next to him.

“Yes, well this story is a bit long and winding, so I apologize if it takes a little longer than expected. Anyways, my grandmother only danced in one club, and she had nightly conversations with a charming dark-haired man who she never got the name of.” Kaleyanna said voice soft.

Burns nodded.

“I only knew her as Celeste back then, names weren’t important.” He said filling in a small gap.

Kaleyanna took a breath.

“One night, things went beyond conversation and they shared a passionate night together. Unknowingly that night they created a child, a boy she named Morty.” Kaleyanna paused briefly to set down another old photo along with a copy of a birth certificate.

Burns picked each up to look it over, before returning his attention to her, hand resting gently on the photo of Marianna.

“I fail to see what any of this has to do with me.” He said face turning hard.

Kaleyanna nodded.

“DNA testing wasn’t a thing back then. So, my grandmother not knowing the name of her son’s father, couldn’t do anything about it. She stopped dancing for a few years but when her son turned five, she had no choice but to go back to it. At a different club with a different look and name. Once again, the same man found her but didn’t seem to recognize her, and she never worked up the courage to tell him about their son. After a few months, the two started secretly seeing each other, and once her son turned 25, she thought all was clear. The man and my grandmother spent one more night together, as he was leaving in the morning. And unknowingly created yet another child. Her name was Corina, and she was my mother.” Kaleyanna said setting down a few more documents and photos.

Mr. Burns picked up each one looking it over, allowing Smithers to look as well.

“I still don’t understand, why you’re telling me all of this.” Burns said but his face was slightly more open.

Kaleyanna sighed and nodded pulling three pages out of one of the files.

“When DNA testing was new my grandmother had both my mother and uncle tested just to confirm her suspicions. Then she locked away the findings, hid them deep in a safe. They were written into her will when she passed about ten years ago.” She said laying down the oldest document.

Burns picked it up, and read over it as Smithers looked at her.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” He said voice soft and gentle.

She smiled gently and nodded in thanks.

“We weren’t very close, but it was still rough.” Kaleyanna said by way of return.

Burns sat the paper down.

“How do I know this isn’t falsified?” he asked, face twisting slightly.

Kaleyanna pointed to the stamp.

“That’s the original notary stamp. I have copies for my personal files but I brought the originals for you.” She explained.

Burns nodded and waved for her to continue.

“When my grandmother passed, mother refused to allow me at the will reading, I believe she feared my grandmother would be harsh and wouldn’t leave anything to me although I cannot be certain. I did get a small monetary inheritance from her and a small house in the end. However, I didn’t know about that until recently. My mother died about 5 years ago in a horrible traffic accident, a drunk driver ran her off the road.” Kaleyanna said and laid out the newspaper article, and a copy of her grandmother’s will.

Burns picked up the will and scanned over it before reading the newspaper article.

“My condolences.” He said simply.

Kaleyanna nodded and turned back to her files.

“My uncle never cared who his father was so he never had a second DNA test done, my mother did although I only gained access to the records after receiving a court order to allow me to have the records. My father had me blocked from my mother’s will. My father believed he was doing the right thing, as my mother would have only listed him and I since her brother was already, and still is, in a nursing home, according to the doctors he’s only got a few years left, old age and all. However, my father, 3 years ago succumbed to his depression after my mother died and, he killed himself. Leaving me to take care of my younger sister, Christy.” Kaleyanna said pulling out the second DNA test the nursing home patient record and the news article about her father along with both of their Will’s.

Burns read through them all as Smithers looked at her.

“You still have a few more pages there.” He said drawing Burns eye.

Kaleyanna nodded and opened the last file.

“That’s right, this sad tale of tragedy and loss continues. I was the 5th child of 7 my sister Christy being the 7th and youngest of us all. However, three of my siblings died as children from various things and 2 were either stillborn or miscarried. My little sister is currently attending Yale Law and despite all of the tragedy is pulling a 4.0 GPA. I did do another DNA test as well, perhaps I was beating a dead horse as the saying goes but I wanted to be absolutely certain before I approached you and technology is always getting better. The last line of this tale so far is me telling you that myself and Christy are your granddaughters, and we don’t want anything other than for you to know of our existence.” Kaleyanna finished and handed him the last few pages, detailing her siblings passing and Christy’s success, along with the third and final DNA report.

Burns read over them all before sitting up straight and looking at her.

“You understand my…. hesitance on this.” He said watching her.

Kaleyanna nodded.

“Of course, I do. You’ve got every right to be cautious. You’ve got a lot to protect, but I promise everything I’ve told you Is the truth as I know it to be. And we don’t want anything from you, just letting you know of us.” Kaleyanna said as the papers where shuffled back into the files and left on the desk.

Burns steepled his fingers in thought before turning to Smithers.

“Escort her out. I need a few days to think this over.” Burns said as he pulled the files closer again.

Smithers nodded, moving away from him.

“Of course, sir, this way.” He said turning to her.

Kaleyanna nodded and moved to walk with him. They reached the front door and before he opened it, she placed a hand on his arm, pulling a sheet of paper from her bag she quickly wrote down her number and address, handing it to him.

“In case he wishes to contact me. Or you, as well could. Not many people like him, but spending those few minutes with the two of you, I see how much you both care for each other. Keep caring for him, I feel hardly anyone has in a long time.” Kaleyanna said softly.

Smithers looked at the paper before looking back at her.

“I’ll always care for him, even though he doesn’t seem to feel the same.” Smithers said sadly.

“Don’t forget, acceptance is still something new, and he’s from an older time period. A time when it was easier to lay with the opposite of what you truly wanted. Don’t count him out yet, let him realize his love for you in his own time, besides I can see it in the way he moves.” Kaleyanna said softly.

Smithers watched her.

“You sound like you speak from experience.” Smithers said not really in question.

Kaleyanna sighed softly and nodded.

“My sexuality is still being erased and denied even in the community.” Kaleyanna said voice soft.

Smithers looked at her for a few seconds.

“That’s not right.” He said voice distant.

She nodded.

“That’s the life of a Pansexual though.” She said shrugging.

She looked at her watch and sighed again.

“I’ve kept you to long, I should go. It was lovely to meet you, Mr. Smithers.” She said as she walked out of the house.

Smithers caught her arm and passed a card into it.

“It’s Waylon. And it was nice to meet you too.” He said before closing the door.

She walked to her car and climbed in before looking at the card. On one side was Mr. Burns information and on the other was Waylon’s. She smiled softly and started the car. She drove away from the mansion, with a deep sigh escaping her.

‘Now just to see how it all goes.’ She thought passingly, knowing she had left the biggest secret of all out of her conversation.

After a few minutes she pulled up in her driveway, seeing the other car gone she breathed a sigh of relief and climbed from the car. She walked inside and moved to the kitchen where she began on dinner.

*Two weeks later*

“STOP DESMOND! LEAVE THEM ALONE THEY DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!” the loud frantic voice was heard from outside.

“Smithers, you’d best go see what that is.” Mr. Burns said from the limo.

Waylon Smithers nodded before climbing out and walking to the door where he knocked. The crashing and banging stopped immediately.

“And who the hell is that!” a loud angry voice shouted.

“I... I don’t know, Desmond, let the children go answer it. Please just let them go.” A soft voice said carefully.

A sharp sound was heard followed by a thud and a small scream.

“P-please, Desmond.” The voice came back weaker again.

Smithers raised his hand to knock again.

“Fine! Go you little turds.” The angry voice came again.

Rushed footsteps where heard and the door opened a crack to show a small girl holding a baby and a boy next to her.

“H-hello?” the little girl asked, as a loud slap was heard.

Smithers looked at the children before pushing the door open more, gasping at the sight he saw.

“RUN KIDS!” the desperate voice came screaming from the kitchen.

The two children jumped and went to bolt out of the door, Waylon reached down and grabbed the children carefully.

“Come with me.” He said leading them to the limo.

Once there he helped each child into the back, where Monty Burns sat.

“What is the meaning of this, Smithers?” Burns asked him.

Waylon gave him a look and turned to the second door on the limo, opening it he let out several large dogs.

“Get them!” Waylon called stalking after the dogs.

Monty watched them before turning to the children who watched him fearfully. He looked between them before realizing what was going on. He took the baby from the girl and passed both of the older children Kleenex.

“it’ll be alright children.” Monty said turning to look at the house worry filling his face.

*Inside the house*

“How dare you!” the angry voice called again as the owner reached out and struck the shaking woman on the floor.

Just then growls from the door way made the other person pause.

“And who the hell are you!” the attacker said standing up straight.

“W-Waylon?” came the soft worn voice.

The purple bowtie clad man nodded.

“That’s correct. I am Waylon Smithers and I am your worst nightmare.” He said adjusting his glasses.

The tall grouchy person stood up, fists clenched and took a menacing step forward.

“You and what army, Nerd.” Came the angry hissed tone.

Waylon smiled at that and let out a sharp whistle.

“The dogs. GO GET THEM!” Waylon called as the dogs chased the large imposing figure.

Waylon walked over to the woman, where he crouched to help her up.

“Come then Kaleyanna, let’s get you up and out of here.” Waylon said as he helped her up.

Kaleyanna nodded and leaned heavily against the man as he helped her to the limo. Waylon carefully helped her slide into the backseat across from Monty.

“Mommy!” the little boy said and wrapped his arms around her.

The little girl was quick to follow. Kaleyanna pressed kisses to each of their heads before looking up at Monty, who still held her youngest.

“Thank you.” She said softly.

Monty rose a hand and shook his head.

“You are family.” He said quietly.

She nodded and looked to her children.

“In that case, I’d like you to officially meet your great grandchildren. This is Tori and this is Shane and you hold Cameron.” Kaleyanna said smiling at him.

Monty looked at them all and offered a small smile.

“Let’s go home, Waylon.” Monty said with a soft smile.

“Right away.” Waylon agreed getting into the driver’s seat.

It took a few minutes before they arrived at the mansion. Waylon parked the limo before coming to the back and helping Monty out.

“Sir, perhaps you should give young Cameron back to Kaleyanna.” Smithers suggested when Monty stumbled lightly.

Burns shot him a look before sighing and carefully passing the baby to Kaleyanna. Kaleyanna smiled gently and leaned against the limo as Tori and Shane climbed out carefully.

“Welcome home.” Monty said raising his hands to show the mansion.

The kids gasped and looked around; Kaley carefully reached a hand down to rest on Tori’s shoulder. The young girl looked up at her, and Kaleyanna passed her Cameron, as she swayed. Smithers rushed to her side.

“Let’s get you inside and have the doctors come take a look at the 4 of you.” Waylon said helping her up the steps.

Kaleyanna nodded and watched as the kids and Monty walked ahead of them. After a few moments they settled into a nice sitting room.

“Kids behave ok?” Kaleyanna called voice soft.

Tori and Shane nodded settling onto the carpet and looking around in wonder. Monty gave off a gentle version of his evil laugh.

“They’re children, let them play. Go on, explore! Have fun!” Monty said shooing the children, carefully taking Cameron from Tori.

Both children looked towards Kaleyanna, she smiled gently.

“Alright, just be careful.” Kaleyanna nodded.

The kids stood and raced off. Waylon reentered the living room, looking around before his eyes settled softly on Monty.

“The doctor should arrive in half an hour.” Waylon said.

Monty nodded and slid to the side, leaving room on the couch beside him.

“Excellent, come have a seat.” He said quietly as he marveled over Cameron.

Waylon moved to sit beside Monty and looked over Cameron with him. Kaleyanna smiled softly at the obvious devotion they each held for the other, she allowed her eyes to slip closed knowing her children were completely safe for once.

“Kaleyanna?” A voice called to her a while later.

She blinked open blurry eyes and looked up at the face of Monty.

“Yes?” she asked sitting up a bit.

Monty backed a few steps revealing a doctor waiting patiently.

“We would have let you sleep longer but the doctor is here and your health is more important currently.” Waylon said from beside her.

She nodded and adjusted.

“Of course, thank you.” She said moving to stand.

Her and the doctor moved to a different room, so he could look over her wounds.

“I don’t know how you did it, but that’s the nicest I’ve seen Burns ever.” The doctor said a while later while wrapping her injuries.

She smiled gently and shook her head.

“Have you checked the children?” she asked instead of answering not willing to risk Monty’s reputation.

The doctor sat back and nodded putting his supplies away.

“Yes, and all three are fine, nervous but fine.” He said moving to stand.

Kaleyanna nodded and stood as well, still feeling a bit tired but feeling better overall. The two of them walked back to the living room to see Waylon sitting on the floor playing Malibu Stacy with Tori while Shane sat on the couch with a few comic books, Cameron safely held within Monty’s arms. When they entered Monty stood and passed Cameron to Kaleyanna, who smiled gently and pressed a kissed to the top of the baby’s head.

“What’s the verdict, doctor?” Burns asked looking at him.

The doctor laughed a bit and shook his head.

“A few scrapes and bruises along with a minor sprain in the wrist. The children are just fine, a little skittish I’ve seen but alright.” The doctor replied, handing Burns a piece of paper.

Monty looked over it and nodded.

“Yes, yes anything to make sure my family is as healthy as they can be. You’ll be paid, extra to keep your mouth shut. Now leave.” Monty said turning his back to the doctor, moving to sit beside Shane.

Kaleyanna settled down in a chair and watched over her family, seeing Waylon with Tori made her smile softly. Her eyes shifted and she smiled as she saw Monty helping Shane to read over the comic books, her eyes slid down and she saw Cameron sleeping happily in her arms. She let out a soft sigh and let her eyes close again, letting the peaceful happiness of her family wash over her.

*6 months later*

“Tori! Shane! Your lunches! Have a good day at school I love you both!” Kaleyanna yelped as she raced around helping the kids get ready.

She held Cameron close as she handed the other two their lunches and pressed kisses to their foreheads.

“Bye mom! Bye Momma!” they called running out of the house and towards the bus pickup.

She closed the door and sighed softly. Looking down at Cameron, she smiled gently.

“Now time to feed you my little man.” She smiled as she tickled him lightly.

She walked into the kitchen, seeing Monty still sat and eating. She placed Cameron in the highchair.

“Good morning, Grandfather.” She said wrapping a hug around him as she moved passed.

He reached up and patted her arms.

“Good morning, my dear. Another rushed start today?” he asked looking at her as she prepared a small plate for Cameron.

Kaleyanna laughed and nodded as she took the plate and her coffee to a chair by Cameron.

“Yes well, you know children. Always five more minutes.” She said as she fed Cameron.

Monty watched her for a few seconds.

“You know I could help you out and hire a nanny.” Monty suggested and not for the first time.

Waylon walked in and took a seat beside Monty, who slid the cup of coffee closer to him unconsciously. Kaleyanna shook her head.

“Oh grandfather, I don’t need a nanny. Ten minutes of hectic rushing around with the kids in the morning is the best way for me to wake up.” Kaleyanna said with a smile.

Monty nodded as he slyly slid another scone onto Waylon’s plate. She smiled softly at his actions.

“So, any plans for today?” Waylon asked sending a small smile towards Monty.

Kaleyanna smiled at them.

‘One day they’ll stop dancing around each other.’ Kaleyanna said smiling softly.

She shook her head, looking at them.

“Not today, just spending time with Cameron, maybe reading a few books or working on my degree. I may call and see how Christy is doing. How about you two? Going to the Nuclear power plant?” Kaleyanna said smiling.

Monty nodded his face darkening momentarily.

“Yes, we have a few meetings with some of the staff and a few heads of other power plants. Should prove to be a busy day.” Waylon surmised.

Kaley smiled and played with her coffee cup a bit.

“What is it? You act like you have a question.” Monty said drawing attention to her.

Kaleyanna shrugged and looked up.

“Well you mainly spend your days dealing with disgruntled staff, and trying to figure out how to deal with issues in regards to the crew. Why don’t you have someone to handle that kind of thing for you?” She asked.

Waylon looked from her to Monty and back. While Monty sat back, thinking it over.

“Except that would cost me money and require a new position, with a new salary.” Monty countered.

Kaleyanna leaned forward and nodded.

“True, however if you created the position you could probably find someone to take the position for less than what would normally be acceptable. Just find someone qualified who’s new to the business, and needs a quick job. It’ll be years before they actively ask for any kind of raise and at that point 10 years down the line you could give them a 10 percent raise and it would maybe amount to another dollar at most.” Kaleyanna said tossing a full plan out onto the table.

Monty sat back and steepled his fingers looking at her.

“You make a compelling argument.” He said before standing up and walking from the room.

Waylon watched after him with a surprised look on his face.

“Wow, that’s the first time he’s listened about a new position in years.” He said turning to her.

Kaleyanna smirked and sat back a bit.

“I may not have a mean streak but I am still related to him. Meaning I have his cunning. It also doesn’t hurt my degree is in Psychology and Business, so I have a way with words when it comes to salaries and the like.” Kaleyanna said sipping her coffee.

Waylon looked at her and laughed shaking his head.

“You two are more alike than either of you believe.” Waylon said moving to stand as well.

Kaleyanna nodded and turned to Cameron.

“Not a bad thing at all.” She mused lightly.

*8 years later*

“Tori! Shane! Cameron! Your lunches!” Kaleyanna called as she raced to grab the bags from the kitchen.

She looked around frantically when they weren’t where she left then.

“Relax Kaleyanna, we have them.” Waylon said as he and Monty stood up with the bags.

She breathed a sigh of relief. Each of them held a bag and moved to the front door, a routine well established over the last few years. Each child ran into the room, grabbing a lunch and hugging and kissing their mother and great grandfather’s.

“Bye mom, bye Grandpa’s! Bye, bye mom, see you later Grandpa’s! Later mom, see you Grandpa’s!” the three kids called running out.

The three adults laughed slightly before moving back into the kitchen, and settled down with their coffee.

“So, what’s on the agenda for today?” Monty asked looking at them.

Kaleyanna groaned and pulled her planner to her.

“I have several meetings with Plant staff, including…three with one Homer Simpson of 7G. Why he wants three meetings I have no idea. I think he just wants the donuts in my office.” Kaleyanna said.

Waylon nodded pulling out his own organizer.

“I have no doubt that is the only reason, as for us. We have meetings with several other plant owners and foreign dignitaries in regards to the plant, and then several personal meetings.” Waylon said looking up.

Monty nodded.

“Well it seems all of us will have a long day. What of the children?” He asked.

Kaleyanna smiled.

“All taken care of. Tori has gymnastics with Kira and Kim, and Shane is going over to Dustin and Blake’s to ride bikes and Cameron is going to spend time with Bart and Millhouse. I hope those two don’t corrupt my little Cameron.” Kaleyanna said looking up for a while.

Waylon and Monty nodded in agreement with that. After a few more minutes, the three headed outside and climbed into the limo, heading towards the plant.

[chequerootlurks]

Before Waylon Smithers Jr. ever worked for C. M. Burns, his father was the tycoon's friend and trusted companion in more ways than one.

This story takes us through the life of Waylon Smithers Sr, from the time he first started working for Burns, to the final days of his life. Learn what really happened in those years they worked together.

If you haven’t read “Nuclear Attraction,” I gently urge you to give it a read.

At the end of the day, still my favorite story that I’ve written. Interestingly, it’s also one of my most popular works; something I find both surprising, and flattering.

I feel like the dynamic between Monty Burns and Waylon (Senior) is perhaps one of the most poignant yet understated aspects of Burns’ character.

Waylon Sr. is one of the few people Burns ever seemed to truly care about. I could expound upon that, but the way Burns clings to Waylon Sr’s arm seems to do the speaking for me.

Season 13, Episode 5: “The Blunder Years” spoke volumes about their relationship. They are, and forever will be my OTP.

So, if you get the chance or are looking for a different flavor of story to read, check out “Nuclear Attraction;” and, if you’re feeling bold, please let me know what you think.

(photo I took in the simulator for Reactor 2; with my art added in)

[waylonsmithers-speaks]

Uh- hi! You can call me Waylon. I use hy/hym and he/him pronouns.

I do think I'll mainly reblog things, though i may post my own stuff sometimes! Please feel free to give me asks! I love answering questions, honestly. And I'd love to help with anything I can! Though- of course, with most blogs, please don't send me any asks above PG-13, unless I make a post (or edit this one) saying otherwise. ^^(suggestive is fine, just nothing, like... explicit /w detail.)

I enjoy sewing! So you might see some of that occasionally. I also really love dogs, so I'll probably be reblogging quite a lot of dog-related stuff (if I'm looking at the tag)

But, anyways. I hope you all enjoy this!

-Waylon Smithers<3

[arti-squid]

Wow I didn't even introduce myself so here I go!

Hello there! My name is Rachel and I'am from the Netherlands. I'am 19 years old and I study graphic design. Before this I studied photography. I speak Dutch, English and a little bit German. My hobbies? Well uumm that's to mutch to name them all. A few of them are reading, drawing, watching the Simpsons ofcourse and I collecting records/vinyl/ cassette tapes. I own more than 200 records and almost everything is 60's, 70s, 80s, 90s and early 2000 music because I am a big fan of it. 25 of them are from David Bowie. He is my absolute favourite. But I spend now most of my time watching and making fanart from the Simpsons. My favourite characters are waylon smithers, mr.burns and sideshow bob. That's everything for now I think. I can't wait to meet new people and to make friends here. (sorry if I made a few grammatical mistakes)

[ramajmedia]

The Simpsons: 10 Storylines That Were Ahead Of Their Time

There was a time when The Simpsons was an outlier in popular entertainment. The long-running animated series raised topics that its contemporaries shied away from. Another show may have produced the occasional "very special" episode, but classic Simpsons addressed urgent social issues regularly and with magnitude. What made the series so successful in these moments was its ability to convey the gravity of these matters so understandably. That brand of satirical humor was the perfect filter too, as it prevented the writers from becoming too preachy. Here are ten storylines in The Simpsons that were ahead of their time.

RELATED: The Simpsons: 10 Storylines That Have Aged Poorly

10 Vegetarianism

The oldest Simpson daughter makes a substantial choice to give up eating meat in Season 5's "Lisa the Vegetarian". This causes conflict between Lisa and her father Homer, who is a strict omnivore. It may seem like Homer is being the intolerant one, but Lisa comes off as very judgmental. She simply refuses to budge on her her new stance. Lisa eventually comes around and acts more tolerant after a well-timed chat with Apu and celebrity vegetarians Paul and Linda McCartney. While Lisa and Homer's disagreement is played for laughs, it does touch upon the more serious issue of animal rights.

9 LGBTQ+ Representation

Waylon Smithers had always been a walking punchline for the show's dated view on same-sex orientation. In Season 8's "Homer's Phobia", we meet another gay character in The Simpsons'  new family friend John (played by John Waters). Homer is ignorant of this information until Marge points it out. From then on, Homer's behavior towards John is very rude. The episode makes it clear that Homer is the one with the problem, as he's the only person not accepting of John, and was praised for its anti-homophobia message.

8 Guns

Following a riot at a soccer match, Homer buys a handgun in lieu of a security system in Season 9's "The Cartridge Family". Marge then leaves Homer when he fails to dispose of the weapon. The NRA also rejects Homer after witnessing how irresponsible he is with a gun. John Swartzwelder tried to have an unbiased opinion on guns when writing the script. The real-life NRA however, was not too happy with its fictional depiction. Ironic, since Springfield's NRA members are among the most level-headed characters here. Nevertheless, the episode offers an unequivocal perspective on the always controversial Second Amendment.

RELATED: The Simpsons: 10 Bart And Marge Moments That Broke Our Hearts

7  Undocumented citizens

A new Springfield proposition dictates undocumented citizens be deported in Season 7's "Much Apu About Nothing". This includes the Simpsons family's dearest and oldest friend Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. The iconic Kwik-E-Mart employee was living in America on an expired student visa. Homer at first agrees with the referendum, but later changes his mind. The Simpsons then tutor Apu so he can take a citizenship test and stay in the country. In the conclusion, Lisa struggles to explain to Homer and Apu how all non-indigenous American citizens descend from immigrants. And like in real life, this plain fact flies right over people's heads.

6 Misdiagnosing children

Facing the threat of expulsion in Season 11's "Brother's Little Helper", Bart is prescribed an untested psychostimulant called Focusyn. The wonderful side effects happen to include drug psychosis and paranoia. In the end, the adults realize Bart doesn't need the medication at all. This episode came at a time when schools and doctors regularly misdiagnosed children with attention-deficit disorder instead of treating their actual issues. The growing, unsettling trend just wasn't talked about enough. Writer George Meyer didn't have a hard stance about the habit of dispensing Ritalin like candy, but he still feared a problem was on the rise.

5 Religion

The best episode in The Simpsons about religion is Season 7's "Bart Sells His Soul". Bart gives up his soul to his friend Milhouse for only $5 to prove souls don't exist. As a result, Bart's life changes for the worse. The story not only questions if souls are real, but is a life worth living without one. It's a weighty topic that Lisa breaks down like only a theologian would. Something else brought up is religions profiting off their followers. Most television in 1995 definitely did not dare to speak so candidly about faith and the church.

RELATED: The Simpsons: 10 Funniest Homer And Bart Moments, Ranked

4 Marijuana

Weed might not be quite as sensitive a subject today (especially when it is increasingly legalized), but Season 13's "Weekend at Burnsie's" was a daring episode in 2002. Homer gets a prescription for medicinal marijuana after a murder of crows attack him. He's hesitant, but the medicine helps him. Aside from being Mr. Burns' new favorite person, Homer is now more easy-going. Homer was never actually shown physically smoking, but the episode was progressive for casting marijuana in both a different and positive light.  The media's anti-drug ads back then were not known for elucidating marijuana's medicinal quality.

3 Gay marriage

Marge upset lots of fans in Season 16's "There's Something About Marrying" when she disapproved of her sister Patty coming out. Marge then learned Patty's fiancée is secretly a man posing as a woman only so he can play in the LPGA golf tour. Yet Marge keeps this info to herself because this means her sister would be marrying a man after all. By the end, Marge accepts Patty for who she is. This isn't all that positive sounding, but the most important takeaway is Springfield legalizing same-sex marriage ten years before the landmark civil rights case Obergefell v. Hodges.

2 Substance abuse

Critics and audiences alike were split about the dramatic character development of local lush Barney Gumble in Season 11's "Days of Wine and D'oh'ses". Barney quits booze upon seeing himself drunk on video in the episode. He joins AA and makes amends for his past. Plenty of people felt sobering Barney up stripped away some of the show's most fundamental humor. The episode was also panned for becoming what the series mocked — solving serious problems in thirty minutes. Whereas others commended The Simpsons for tackling alcoholism head-on after depicting it as nothing but a running gag for over a decade.

1 Border control

Season 20's finale "Coming to Homerica" is ahead of its time because it predicted one of the biggest political issues in America today. Springfield becomes home to displaced Ogdenvillians after their neighboring town of Ogdenville goes belly-up. Homer and everyone exploits the struggling Ogdenvillians for cheap day labor, but then resents and shuns them for various reasons. This leads to Springfielders erecting a wall around their town to keep the Ogdenvillians out. The Simpsons has eerily foretold future political events before, and this episode is very on the nose in regards to America's ongoing discourse over undocumented citizens and immigration.

NEXT: All The Times The Simpsons Called Family Guy Out For Plagiarism/Copying

source https://screenrant.com/the-simpsons-storylines-ahead-of-their-time/

[hammondcast]

Harry Shearer Interview With Jon Hammond

#WATCHMOVIE HERE: Harry Shearer Interview With Jon Hammond Jon's archive https://archive.org/details/HarryShearerInterviewWithJonHammond Youtube https://youtu.be/MByRDtzWZB4 Vimeo https://vimeo.com/231223997 Nashville Tennessee -- Harry Shearer Interview with Jon Hammond just before Harry accepted the American Eagle Award along with Crystal Gayle and Patti Smith from the US National Music Council during Summer NAMM Show - for broadcast on Jon Hammond Show on MNN TV Channel 1 in Manhattan - Harry's Wiki https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Shearer "Harry Julius Shearer (born December 23, 1943) is an American actor, voice actor, comedian, writer, musician, author, radio host, director and producer. He is known for his long-running roles on The Simpsons, his work on Saturday Night Live, the comedy band Spinal Tap and his radio program Le Show. Born in Los Angeles, California, Shearer began his career as a child actor. From 1969 to 1976, Shearer was a member of The Credibility Gap, a radio comedy group. Following the breakup of the group, Shearer co-wrote the film Real Life with Albert Brooks and started writing for Martin Mull's television series Fernwood 2 Night. He was a cast member on Saturday Night Live on two occasions, between 1979–80, and 1984–85. Shearer co-created, co-wrote and co-starred in the 1984 film This Is Spinal Tap, a satirical rockumentary, which became a cult hit. In 1989, Shearer joined the cast of The Simpsons; he provides voices for numerous characters, including Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Kent Brockman, Dr. Hibbert and more. Shearer has appeared in several films, including A Mighty Wind and The Truman Show, has directed two, Teddy Bears' Picnic and The Big Uneasy, and has written three books. Since 1983, Shearer has been the host of the public radio comedy/music program Le Show, a hodgepodge of satirical news commentary, music, and sketch comedy. Shearer has won a Primetime Emmy Award, has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in the radio category, and has received several other Emmy and Grammy Award nominations. He has been married to singer-songwriter Judith Owen since 1993. He is currently "artist in residence" at Loyola University, New Orleans. Shearer was born December 23, 1943 in Los Angeles, the son of Dora Warren (née Kohn) (d. 2008), a bookkeeper, and Mack Shearer.[2] His parents were Jewish immigrants from Austria and Poland.[3][4] Starting when Shearer was four years old, he had a piano teacher whose daughter worked as a child actress. The piano teacher later decided to make a career change and become a children's agent, as she knew people in the business through her daughter's work. The teacher asked Shearer's parents for permission to take him to an audition. Several months later, she called Shearer's parents and told them that she had gotten Shearer an audition for the radio show The Jack Benny Program. Shearer received the role when he was seven years old.[5] He described Jack Benny as "very warm and approachable [...] He was a guy who dug the idea of other people on the show getting laughs, which sort of spoiled me for other people in comedy."[6] Shearer said in an interview that one person who "took him under his wing" and was one of his best friends during his early days in show business was voice actor Mel Blanc, who voiced many animated characters, including Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Barney Rubble.[7] Shearer made his film debut in the 1953 film Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, in which he only had a small part. Later that year, he made his first big film performance in The Robe.[6] Throughout his childhood and teenage years he worked in television, film, and radio.[6] In 1957, Shearer played the precursor to the Eddie Haskell character in the pilot episode of the television series Leave It to Beaver. After the filming, Shearer's parents said they did not want him to be a regular in a series. Instead they wanted him to just do occasional work so that he could have a normal childhood. Shearer and his parents made the decision not to accept the role in the series if it was picked up by a television network.[6] Shearer attended UCLA as a political science major in the early 1960s and decided to quit show business to become a "serious person".[5] However, he says this lasted approximately a month, and he joined the staff of the Daily Bruin, UCLA's school newspaper, during his first year.[5] and as editor of the college humor magazine (Satyr) including the June 1964 parody, Preyboy [8] He also worked as a newscaster at KRLA, a top 40 radio station in Pasadena, during this period. According to Shearer, after graduating, he had "a very serious agenda going on, and it was 'Stay Out of the Draft'."[5] He attended graduate school at Harvard University for one year and worked at the state legislature in Sacramento. In 1967 and 1968, he was a high school teacher, teaching English and social studies. He left teaching following "disagreements with the administration."[5] From 1969 to 1976, Shearer was a member of The Credibility Gap, a radio comedy group that included David Lander, Richard Beebe and Michael McKean.[9] The group consisted of "a bunch of newsmen" at KRLA 1110, "the number two station" in Los Angeles.[6] They wanted to do more than just straight news, so they hired comedians who were talented vocalists. Shearer heard about it from a friend so he brought over a tape to the station and nervously gave it to the receptionist. By the time he got home, there was a message on his answering machine asking, "Can you come to work tomorrow?"[6] The group's radio show was canceled in 1970 by KRLA and in 1971 by KPPC-FM, so they started performing in various clubs and concert venues.[5] While at KRLA, Shearer also interviewed Creedence Clearwater Revival for the Pop Chronicles music documentary.[10] In 1973, Shearer appeared as Jim Houseafire on How Time Flys, an album by The Firesign Theatre's David Ossman. The Credibility Gap broke up 1976 when Lander and McKean left to perform in the sitcom Laverne & Shirley.[5] Shearer started working with Albert Brooks, producing one of Brooks' albums and co-writing the film Real Life. Shearer also started writing for Martin Mull's television series Fernwood 2 Night.[5] In the mid-1970s, he started working with Rob Reiner on a pilot for ABC. The show, which starred Christopher Guest, Tom Leopold and McKean, was not picked up.[5] Career[edit] Saturday Night Live[edit] In August 1979, Shearer was hired as a writer and cast member on Saturday Night Live, one of the first additions to the cast,[6] and an unofficial replacement for John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, who were both leaving the show.[11] Al Franken recommended Shearer to Saturday Night Live creator Lorne Michaels.[12] Shearer describes his experience on the show as a "living hell" and "not a real pleasant place to work."[11] He did not get along well with the other writers and cast members and states that he was not included with the cast in the opening montage (although he was added to the montage for latter episodes of the 1979-80 season) and that Lorne Michaels had told the rest of the cast that he was just a writer.[13] Michaels left Saturday Night Live at the end of the fifth season, taking the entire cast with him.[14] Shearer told new executive producer Jean Doumanian that he was "not a fan of Lorne's" and offered to stay with the show if he was given the chance to overhaul the program and bring in experienced comedians, like Christopher Guest. However, Doumanian turned him down, so he decided to leave with the rest of the cast.[15] When I left, Dick [Ebersol] issued a press release, saying "creative differences." And the first person who called me for a comment on it read me that and I blurted out, "Yeah, I was creative and they were different." —Harry Shearer[16] In 1984, while promoting the film This Is Spinal Tap, Shearer, Christopher Guest and Michael McKean had a performance on Saturday Night Live. All three members were offered the chance to join to the show in the 1984–1985 season. Shearer accepted because he was treated well by the producers and he thought the backstage environment had improved[11] but later stated that he "didn't realize that guests are treated better than the regulars."[17] Guest also accepted the offer while McKean rejected it, although he would join the cast in 1994. Dick Ebersol, who replaced Lorne Michaels as the show's producer, said that Shearer was "a gifted performer but a pain in the butt. He's just so demanding on the preciseness of things and he's very, very hard on the working people. He's just a nightmare-to-deal-with person."[18] In January 1985, Shearer left the show for good,[11] partially because he felt he was not being used enough.[16] Martin Short said Shearer "wanted to be creative and Dick [Ebersol] wanted something else. [...] I think he felt his voice wasn't getting represented on the show. When he wouldn't get that chance, it made him very upset."[19] Spinal Tap[edit] Shearer co-created, co-wrote and co-starred in Rob Reiner's 1984 film This Is Spinal Tap.[6] Shearer, Reiner, Michael McKean and Christopher Guest received a deal to write a first draft of a screenplay for a company called Marble Arch. They decided that the film could not be written and instead filmed a 20-minute demo of what they wanted to do.[11] It was eventually greenlighted by Norman Lear and Jerry Perenchio at Embassy Pictures.[11] The film satirizes the wild personal behavior and musical pretensions of hard rock and heavy metal bands, as well as the hagiographic tendencies of rockumentaries of the time. The three core members of the band Spinal Tap—David St. Hubbins, Derek Smalls and Nigel Tufnel—were portrayed by McKean, Shearer and Guest respectively. The three actors play their musical instruments and speak with mock English accents throughout the film. There was no script, although there was a written breakdown of most of the scenes, and many of the lines were ad-libbed.[11] It was filmed in 25 days.[11] Shearer said in an interview that "The animating impulse was to do rock 'n' roll right. The four of us had been around rock 'n' roll and we were just amazed by how relentlessly the movies got it wrong. Because we were funny people it was going to be a funny film, but we wanted to get it right."[2] When they tried to sell it to various Hollywood studios, they were told that the film would not work. The group kept saying, "No, this is a story that's pretty familiar to people. We're not introducing them to anything they don't really know," so Shearer thought it would at least have some resonance with the public.[6] The film was only a modest success upon its initial release but found greater success, and a cult following, after its video release. In 2000, the film was ranked 29th on the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 comedy movies in American cinema[20] and it was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry by the Library of Congress as being "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant".[21] Shearer, Guest and McKean have since worked on several projects as their Spinal Tap characters. They released three albums: This Is Spinal Tap (1984), Break Like the Wind (1992) and Back From The Dead (2009).[22] In 1992, Spinal Tap appeared in an episode of The Simpsons called "The Otto Show".[23] The band has played several concerts, including at Live Earth in London on July 7, 2007. In anticipation of the show, Rob Reiner directed a short film entitled Spinal Tap.[24] In 2009, the band released Back from the Dead to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the release of the film.[25] The album features re-recorded versions of songs featured in This Is Spinal Tap and its soundtrack, and five new songs.[26][27] The band performed a one date "world tour" at London's Wembley Arena on June 30, 2009. The Folksmen, a mock band featured in the film A Mighty Wind that is also made up of characters played by Shearer, McKean and Guest – was the opening act for the show.[28] The Simpsons[edit] Shearer is also known for his prolific work as a voice actor on The Simpsons. Matt Groening, the creator of the show, was a fan of Shearer's work, while Shearer was a fan of a column Groening used to write.[29] Shearer was asked if he wanted to be in the series, but he was initially reluctant because he thought the recording sessions would be too much trouble.[29] He felt voice acting was "not a lot of fun" because traditionally, voice actors record their parts separately.[7] He was told that the actors would record their lines together[7] and after three calls, executive producer James L. Brooks managed to convince Shearer to join the cast.[2] Shearer's first impression of The Simpsons was that it was funny. Shearer, who thought it was a "pretty cool" way to work, found it peculiar that the members of the cast were adamant about not being known to the public as the people behind the voices.[6] Shearer provides voices for Principal Skinner, Kent Brockman, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Dr. Hibbert, Lenny Leonard, Otto Mann, Rainier Wolfcastle, Scratchy, Kang, Dr. Marvin Monroe, Judge Snyder and many others.[30] He has described all of his regular characters' voices as "easy to slip into. [...] I wouldn't do them if they weren't easy."[29] Shearer modeled Mr. Burns's voice on the two actors Lionel Barrymore and Ronald Reagan.[31] Shearer says that Burns is the most difficult character for him to voice because it is rough on his vocal cords and he often needs to drink tea and honey to soothe his voice.[32] He describes Burns as his favorite character, saying he "like[s] Mr. Burns because he is pure evil. A lot of evil people make the mistake of diluting it. Never adulterate your evil."[33] Shearer is also the voice of Burns' assistant Smithers, and is able to perform dialogue between the two characters in one take. In the episode "Bart's Inner Child", Harry Shearer said "wow" in the voice of Otto, which was then used when Otto was seen jumping on a trampoline.[34] Ned Flanders had been meant to be just a neighbor that Homer was jealous of, but because Shearer used "such a sweet voice" for him, Flanders was broadened to become a Christian and a sweet guy that someone would prefer to live next to over Homer.[35] Dr. Marvin Monroe's voice was based on psychiatrist David Viscott.[36] Monroe has been retired since the seventh season because voicing the character strained Shearer's throat.[37] In 2004, Shearer criticized what he perceived as the show's declining quality: "I rate the last three seasons as among the worst, so season four looks very good to me now."[38] Shearer has also been vocal about "The Principal and the Pauper" (season nine, 1997) one of the most controversial episodes of The Simpsons. Many fans and critics reacted negatively to the revelation that Principal Seymour Skinner, a recurring character since the first season, was an impostor. The episode has been criticized by both Shearer and Groening. In a 2001 interview, Shearer recalled that after reading the script, he told the writers, "That's so wrong. You're taking something that an audience has built eight years or nine years of investment in and just tossed it in the trash can for no good reason, for a story we've done before with other characters. It's so arbitrary and gratuitous, and it's disrespectful to the audience."[39] Due to scheduling and availability conflicts, Shearer decided not to participate in The Simpsons Ride, which opened in 2008, so none of his characters have vocal parts and many do not appear in the ride at all.[40] In a 2010 interview on The Howard Stern Show, Shearer alluded that the reason he was not part of the ride was because he would not be getting paid for it.[41] Until 1998, Shearer was paid $30,000 per episode. During a pay dispute in 1998, Fox threatened to replace the six main voice actors with new actors, going as far as preparing for casting of new voices.[42] The dispute, however, was resolved and Shearer received $125,000 per episode until 2004, when the voice actors demanded that they be paid $360,000 an episode.[42] The dispute was resolved a month later,[43] and Shearer's pay rose to $250,000 per episode.[44] After salary re-negotiations in 2008, the voice actors received $400,000 per episode.[45] Three years later, with Fox threatening to cancel the series unless production costs were cut, Shearer and the other cast members accepted a 30 percent pay cut, down to just over $300,000 per episode.[46] On May 13, 2015, Shearer announced he was leaving the show. After the other voice actors signed a contract for the same pay, Shearer refused, stating it was not enough. Al Jean made a statement from the producers saying "the show must go on," but did not elaborate on what might happen to the characters Shearer voiced.[47] On July 7, 2015, Shearer agreed to continue with the show, on the same terms as the other voice actors.[48] Le Show and radio work[edit] "Because I don't do stand-up, radio has always been my equivalent, a place to stay in connection with the public and force myself to write every week and come up with new characters. Plus it's a medium that – having grown up with it and putting myself to sleep with a radio under my pillow [as a kid] – I love. No matter what picture you want to create in the listener's mind, a few minutes of work gets it done." —Harry Shearer[49] Since 1983, Shearer has been the host of the public radio comedy/music program Le Show. The program is a hodgepodge of satirical news commentary, music, and sketch comedy that takes aim at the "mega morons of the mighty media".[50] It is carried on many National Public Radio and other public radio stations throughout the United States.[51] Since the merger of SIRIUS and XM satellite radio services the program is no longer available on either.[52] The show has also been made available as a podcast on iTunes[53] and by WWNO. On the weekly program Shearer alternates between DJing, reading and commenting on the news of the day after the manner of Mort Sahl, and performing original (mostly political) comedy sketches and songs. In 2008, Shearer released a music CD called Songs of the Bushmen, consisting of his satirical numbers about former President George W. Bush on Le Show.[2] Shearer says he criticizes both Republicans and Democrats equally, and also says that "the iron law of doing comedy about politics is you make fun of whoever is running the place"[54] and that "everyone else is just running around talking. They are the ones who are actually doing something, changing people's lives for better or for worse. Other people the media calls 'satirists' don't work that way."[55] Since encountering satellite news feeds when he worked on Saturday Night Live, Shearer has been fascinated with the contents of the video that does not air. Shearer refers to these clips as found objects. "I thought, wow, there is just an unending supply of this material, and it's wonderful and fascinating and funny and sometimes haunting – but it's always good," said Shearer.[56] He collects this material and uses it on Le Show[57][58] and on his website.[59] In 2008, he assembled video clips of newsmakers from this collection into an art installation titled "The Silent Echo Chamber" which was exhibited at The Aldrich Contemporary Art Museum in Ridgefield, Connecticut.[56] The exhibit was also displayed in 2009 at Institut Valencià d'Art Modern (IVAM) in Valencia, Spain[60][61] and in 2010 at the New Orleans Contemporary Arts Center.[62] In 2006 Shearer appeared with Brian Hayes in four episodes of the BBC Radio 4 sitcom Not Today, Thank You, playing Nostrils, a man so ugly he cannot stand to be in his own presence.[63] He was originally scheduled to appear in all six episodes but had to withdraw from recording two due to a problem with his work permit.[64] On June 19, 2008, it was announced that Shearer would receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in the radio category.[65] The date of the ceremony where his star will be put in place has yet to be announced.[66] Further career[edit] Shearer performing in April 2009 In 2002, Shearer directed his first feature film Teddy Bears' Picnic, which he also wrote. The plot is based on Bohemian Grove, which hosts a three-week encampment of some of the most powerful men in the world. The film was not well received by critics. It garnered a 0% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, with all 19 reviews being determined as negative[67] and received a rating of 32 out of 100 (signifying "generally negative reviews") on Metacritic from 10 reviews.[68] In 2003, he co-wrote J. Edgar! The Musical with Tom Leopold, which spoofed J. Edgar Hoover's relationship with Clyde Tolson.[69] It premiered at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, Colorado and starred Kelsey Grammer and John Goodman.[70] In 2003, Shearer, Guest and McKean starred in the folk music mockumentary A Mighty Wind, portraying a band called The Folksmen. The film was written by Guest and Eugene Levy, and directed by Guest.[6] Shearer had a major role in the Guest-directed parody of Oscar politicking For Your Consideration in 2006. He played Victor Allan Miller, a veteran actor who is convinced that he is going to be nominated for an Academy Award.[71] He also appeared as a news anchor in Godzilla with fellow The Simpsons cast members Hank Azaria and Nancy Cartwright.[72] His other film appearances include The Right Stuff, Portrait of a White Marriage, The Fisher King, The Truman Show, EdTV and Small Soldiers.[73] Shearer has also worked as a columnist for the Los Angeles Times Magazine, but decided that it "became such a waste of time to bother with it."[55] His columns have also been published in Slate and Newsweek.[74] Since May 2005 he has been a contributing blogger at The Huffington Post.[73] Shearer has written three books. Man Bites Town, published in 1993, is a collection of columns that he wrote for The Los Angeles Times between 1989 and 1992.[39] Published in 1999, It's the Stupidity, Stupid analyzed the hatred some people had for then-President Bill Clinton.[75] Shearer believes that Clinton became disliked because he had an affair with "the least powerful, least credentialed women cleared into his official compound."[39] His most recent book is Not Enough Indians, his first novel. Published in 2006, it is a comic novel about Native Americans and gambling.[73] Without the "pleasures of collaboration" and "spontaneity and improvisation which characterize his other projects", Not Enough Indians was a "struggle" for Shearer to write. He said that "the only fun thing about it was having written it. It was lonely, I had no deal for it and it took six years to do. It was a profoundly disturbing act of self-discipline."[2] Shearer has released five solo comedy albums: It Must Have Been Something I Said (1994), Dropping Anchors (2006), Songs Pointed and Pointless (2007), Songs of the Bushmen (2008) and Greed and Fear (2010).[76] His most recent CD, Greed and Fear is mainly about Wall Street economic issues, rather than politics like his previous albums. Shearer decided to make the album when he"started getting amused by the language of the economic meltdown – when 'toxic assets' suddenly became 'troubled assets,' going from something poisoning the system to just a bunch of delinquent youth with dirty faces that needed not removal from the system but just...understanding."[77] In May 2006, Shearer received an honorary doctorate from Goucher College.[78] #HarryShearer #ThisIsSpinalTap #JonHammond #Nashville #TVShow The Big Uneasy[edit] Shearer is the director of The Big Uneasy (2010), a documentary film about the impacts of Hurricane Katrina on New Orleans. Narrated by actor John Goodman, the film describes levee failures and catastrophic flooding in the New Orleans metropolitan area, and includes extended interviews with former LSU professor Ivor Van Heerden, Robert Bea, an engineering professor at the University of California at Berkeley, and Maria Garzino, an engineer and contract specialist for the Los Angeles district of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. The film is critical of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and its management of flood protection projects in Southern Louisiana.[79][80][81][82][83] Shearer draws on numerous technical experts to maintain that Hurricane Katrina's "...tragic floods creating widespread damage were caused by manmade errors in engineering and judgment."[84] Shearer's film currently has a 74% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, based on twenty-three reviews by approved critics.[83] Personal life[edit] Shearer married Penelope Nichols in 1974. They divorced in 1977. He has been married to singer-songwriter Judith Owen since 1993.[2] In 2005, the couple launched their own record label called Courgette Records.[85] Shearer has homes in Santa Monica, California, the French Quarter of New Orleans, Louisiana, and London. He first went to New Orleans in 1988 and has attended every edition of New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival since.[86] Shearer often speaks and writes about the failure of the Federal levee system which flooded New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina, belittling the coverage of it in the mainstream media[87] and criticizing the role of the United States Army Corps of Engineers.[88][89] Prior to the DVD release of his film, The Big Uneasy, Shearer would hold screenings of the film at different venues and take questions from audience members " Identifier HarryShearerInterviewWithJonHammond Scanner Internet Archive HTML5 Uploader 1.6.3 Language English Publication date 2017-08-26 Usage Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Topics Harry Shearer, Nashville, New Orleans, NAMM Show, This is Spinal Tap, Podcast, Jack Benny, The Simpsons, Rock Band, Jon Hammond, Cable Access TV, MNN TV, Channel 1, #HarryShearer #HammondOrgan #Rocker

[marthaquimby]

Fools Will Be Fools

Mr. Burns had been watching his surveillance monitors; not the ones of his workers--the ones of the common town's people. He had installed cameras in every one of their homes years back, and they were all still none the wiser. He liked to watch the screens from time to time because the people below him amused him. Their way of life was interesting to him, and sometimes he even envied them a smidgen, but that thought never lasted more than a moment before he assured himself that his lifestyle was by far the best, and they should be the ones envying him. They were all fools, every single one of them; he was surrounded by idiots who were all at his mercy, whether they liked it or not, whether they even knew it or not. He was rich, powerful, and supplied their electricity. He knew how to get what he wanted and at any cost, he did, every single time.

He did not normally see anything too interesting on the monitors, but this time was proving to be an exception. "Hello! What's this?" He peered closer, trying to make out who the two women were. For a moment, he thought perhaps it would be wrong of him to look, and he averted his eyes, feeling a bit embarrassed for looking.

"Sir, what are you doing?" his assistant, Smithers, had walked in the room to find his boss covering his eyes bashfully. He thought he looked quite cute, but was curious as to why he was doing it; it wasn't really much like him.

Monty pointed at the monitors, peeking through his fingers.

Smithers' eyes widened, blushing slightly at what he was seeing. "Um, sir, perhaps we should turn the monitors off."

"No!" Mr. Burns suddenly uncovered his eyes and looked up close, watching the two women, a bit mesmerized.

"But sir, do you really think you should be watching someone having . . . Sex?"

"Why, Smithers, surely you are familiar with pornography!"

Smithers blushed a brighter shade and stammered. "Yes, but sir, we know these people!"

"We do? Who are they?" He honestly did not know. He hardly could keep up with the commoners' names.

"The grey headed one is Helen Lovejoy, the reverend's wife, and the other is Maude Flanders, Ned Flanders' wife."

"Flanders, eh? Isn't he the goofy man who is obsessed with some religious man. . . Jiminy Cricket or something or another?"

Smithers chuckled at the man. He was really out of touch with so much that gave him such a childlike innocence, and Smithers loved that about him. "Jesus Christ, sir."

"Well, this isn't very Christianly of his wife, now, is it?" the old man chuckled.

Smithers chuckled along with him. "Indeed, sir. It is interesting that either of these women are cheating on their husbands, but I suppose that is how they've kept is secret--no one would suspect them in the least."

"Yes, yes . . . Remember what we saw here, Smithers. It might come in handy if I need to blackmail someone."

"Yes, sir!"

And that day came a few years later. Mr. Burns came in need of the church for his own interests and regardless of the fact that he could have asked the reverend himself, he asked Smithers to fetch Mrs. Lovejoy for him.

"But sir, if there is any money involved at all for the reverend, he is sure to agree."

"Perhaps I just like to watch people squirm; now go get her!"

Smithers' eyes widened, but he obeyed instantly. "Yes, sir!" He ran to the phone to call the Lovejoy's household.

Mrs. Lovejoy had just taken a pie out of the oven. She was baking for the church bake sale, but she always made sure to bake an extra pie for home, or Tim wouldn't let her hear the end of it. She had been trying extra hard to make her desserts good because the church was really depending on the success of this bake sale. They were really low on funds again. The phone rang, and she answered it, surprised at the voice on the other line.

"Is this Mrs. Lovejoy?"

"Yes . . ."

"Waylon Smithers, assistant to Mr. Burns. He needs to speak with you."

"What about?"

"You can find out when you get here."

"I think I deserve to know what this is about! Why would Mr. Burns need to talk to me?"

Smithers voice dropped a little. "He knows your secret, ma'am. I suggest you quietly obey, or you may regret it."

Helen's eyes widened, dropping the phone receiver. She knew instantly what he meant. She did not know how he knew, but the fact he knew at all was enough to make her dash to the man's office.

Mr. Burns chuckled when Helen walked inside his office. "I knew you'd see reason, Mrs. Killjoy."

"Lovejoy, sir," Smithers corrected his boss in a murmur.

Monty smiled. "Of course; Lovejoy! Excellent, yes."

"Pardon me, sir, but what is this all about?" Helen asked.

"Have a seat, and I'll tell you."

Once his plan was told in detail to the reverend's wife, she stood up with her hands on her hips and stated her disapproval. "You did this once, using the church for your own benefit! What makes you think we'll let you do it again?"

"Oh, come now, Mrs. Lovejoy," Monty frowned, looking as innocent as possible. "You received your share of cash, didn't you?" When she admitted he was correct in mutters, he smiled. "And I believe the church could use some extra money now, correct?"

"When don't we?" Helen sighed, starting to feel defeated.

Mr. Burns let a dark grin spread across his face, his fingertips together, satisfied. "I see you are a smart woman. But to be sure that you do agree . . . Know that if you don't, I will personally tell your husband--no, the entire town about your shenanigans with. . . What's her name?" He whispered to Smithers, who whispered back to him. "With Maude Flanders!"

Helen shifted in her seat. "Sir, that was so long ago, and Maude is dead now."

"Oh, so it wouldn't matter, would it? Perhaps I should call him up and tell him now?" Monty picked up the phone.

"No!" Helen shouted before sliding down in her chair, embarrassed, biting her lip. "I'll make sure Tim agrees."

"There's a girl. Make sure he signs this." Mr. Burns slid over a piece of paper to her, making her even more uncomfortable. He smiled to her his most sincere smile.

Helen sighed and stood up. "It will be done."

"Excellent. Could you please step a little over to your left?"

"Oh, sure," Helen said, confused, but stepped to her left a little.

"Have a nice day!" Mr. Burns said as he pushed a button, causing Helen to fall through the floor.

"Nicely done, sir!" Smithers said once Helen had left the building. "You really showed her! She was scared for her life."

"Yes, but it wasn't as entertaining for me as I'd hoped it would be. Why didn't you tell me that the other woman was dead, Smithers? That isn't near as much fun as if they were both alive!"

"Sorry, sir. I didn't think it mattered."

"You should be sorry!" Monty sighed. He truly was surrounded by idiots, even his own assistant. Fools--everywhere. The only man smart enough to be worth anything around was himself, he thought. He had the power to do anything, and he had just proven that by making an innocent woman tremble before him. Well, she wasn't exactly innocent, and he was tempted to let her secret be known anyway just to shake things up, give him a little amusement for himself. But it wouldn't be as interesting with the other woman gone. No, he would let her go free; she would run into something else. All fools did. But he, Monty Burns, would just sit back and watch those fools fool themselves, while he fooled them and made an extra dollar off of it.

Life was pretty good; no--it was. . . excellent.

[waylonsmithers-speaks]

I think I have a type.