#way to make trans men feel like shit for transitioning/make trans women feel like they'll never be able to transition enough/

[tmasc-confessions]

sorry i'm kinda struggling to word this correctly but i'm starting to feel completely alienated from the trans community, it's kinda just multiple things coming together. like the tma/tme thing already tipped me over a bit since it's really just used as a real transsexuals vs icky fake tenderqueers dichotomy but it's also just the way that people talk about transition in general. when you pay attention you really notice the way that people say neutral trans words when they only mean the feminine side of things. like hrt, t4t or even just trans sometimes. it's even the way that most cis allies talk. like yeah, trans women are women but why is that the universal phrase to express support of all trans people? and why do people only bring up transmascs to make fun of us? sure, yeah, trans men name themselves finn or noah sometimes. that's so funny, will you be here all night? it's either that or that snarky "erm.. trans men really are men.." shit that's supposed to be affirming? i guess? and people say that you're misgendering yourself when you say you don't like it. idk it's just hurtful that we're already completely invisible but people just continue to push us out of the community. i don't even really like calling myself trans anymore because it feels like i'm invading a community i'm not part of. sometimes it seems like they're more ready to make community with cis men because there's a possibility they'll be tma at some point. sorry for the essay but i have nowhere else to vent

No, no, I understand what you mean. And though not widespread by any means I have seen a handful of self-described “TMAs” (though I hate that word) preferring to hang out with cis men they joke about forcefemming instead of their brothers in struggle. Then again, most people who use the terms TME/TMA don’t even believe trans men are oppressed, so it’s unsurprising though still depressing.

I understand not feeling like the community is really a community anymore. You’re not the only one that feels that way. But it’s okay… this will pass and one day the trans transandrophobes that try to push us out of our own community will develop their frontal lobes and realise they were unnecessarily cruel.

Patience is a virtue. :)

[elfhunk]

like. okay.

i'm going to share too much. because it's been one of those days.

i'm in a weird unique position to observe this phenomenon of men who are desperately trying to do what is by everything but name transition to become men+. men (extreme). men (ultimate).

because i am a (functionally) cisgender gay man who has a social circle of largely transgender women. i just get to see a really funny venn diagram from my seat.

like, i've regularly joked that i want to enjoy being a man as much as sasha colby enjoys being a woman. i admire the ever loving shit out of trans women performers who pursue this unrealistic height of performative womanhood. women like sasha are living out childhood fever dreams in real time. she is visibly drawing immense pleasure from the act of being this kind of woman and making everyone else fucking watch.

it is very obviously not the only way to be a woman, and no one should be expected to pursue this degree of performative womanhood. but that's what sasha always wanted to be. so she's going to fucking do it. and none of us can stop her.

it comes up in interviews with her time and time again, and i never stop finding it so personally motivating. because this is what comes up whenever i talk about childhood with the trans women in my life. i recognize so many of the same story beats. there's this commonality to being a child who's supposed to be a boy. because if you're bad at being a boy? that means you aren't anything. you aren't allowed to be anything. hegemonic masculinity in practice is a perpetual violent humiliation levied against you for falling even an inch short.

it doesn't care if you turn out to be a girl, a boy, or something else! it just hates your ass!

so some of us get a chip on our shoulder about it. when we have control over our lives in adulthood, we want to be everything they said we weren't allowed to be. we maybe want to go a little overboard. we want to rub their faces in it.

for some people that means becoming the exaggerated form of woman you were told that you couldn't be. for some people that really does mean becoming the exaggerated form of man you were told that you couldn't be.

i think more men feel this way than you might realize. i think a lot of straight cis men feel this insecurity the same way. they were being subjected to the same brutal script as i was, after all.

so they start looking for ways to be real men. they start looking for ways back onto the boat they were shoved off of as kids.

they might start doing some really high risk behaviors if it means a shot at getting told they're finally back on board.

and i really empathize with this issue. i realized the same thing. i wanted to be a man, and i felt like i was never allowed to be one.

but y'know who was in the water with me when i wanted to try clawing my way back onto that nasty old boat?

well, i was surrounded by trans women. and do you know what trans women are going to teach you how to do instead? they'll teach you how to build your own goddamn boat.

it was the trans community that taught me to understand these changes to appearance or lifestyle as a long game of maximizing my own gender euphoria. it was the trans community that taught me how to make choices that were right for me and only for me. different women in my life have completely different definitions of their own womanhood, and what would make them happy.

i had examples set for me about why or why not someone would want to pursue certain treatments, surgeries, or medical interventions. i was taught to keep checking in with myself regularly. i was taught to ask myself if i was truly happy with my choices, and how to live with them in the event i regretted something.

and i think i'm finally getting pretty good at it. not perfect. but pretty good. i really like the man i see in the mirror. i think he's really sexy.

it's a lot of trial and error and a lot of uncertainty. it's a lot of deciding something maybe wasn't right for me, and feeling maybe a little embarrassed i ever tried it.

but i am really glad i have those tools.

because, y'all? this "men trying to transition to men (extreme)" thing is an entire black market pharmaceutical industry. this is what this entire manosphere grift is. this is what an eerie amount of even basic men's grooming, fashion, and lifestyle content is built around.

they are built around this idea that you must follow these instructions in order to be a man. you must take these measures, you must do this work to your body, you must fit within these categories. otherwise? you don't count. and i'm sure this rhetoric is sounding familiar.

i swear to you, there are just a lot of men who don't think they're men yet and need to do something in order to transition into a manlier kind of man. they're taking pills, they're giving injections, they're counting calories, they're trying to forcemasc brainwash themselves.

and i just get a little worried no one is checking in with themselves. i am worried no one is asking them if this is making them happy. because i really do believe in personal autonomy around these choices.

but i want to make sure it's making them happy.

[shinra-makonoid]

just because something doesnt impact me means i shouldnt care or call it out? flat eathers dont impact me iether but i still think that kinda nonsense shouldnt exist. 'why do you care it doesnt impact you' wow what a closeminded way of thinking about the world. lesbians are women attracted solely to women. trans men are not women. you trolling terfs by telling lies based on their bigotry is not the same as making a genuine claim. pushing the idea that trans men should be viewed as gay women is straight up harming us it is literally textbook transphobia. terfs and other transphobes are literally right now pushing that trans men and women are just gay women/men and that is used to deny our existance how are you falling for this shit just bc a progressive is saying it now.

First of all: I've been on this website for a long time and I've had many viewpoints and changed my views several times on topics. It's not "just because a progressive is saying it now". Progressives have been saying it forever and I didn't agree with it for a very long time. I think part of why my view changed is because I'm much more comfortable in my body and identity than I used to, and I take it wayyy less seriously than I used to. I think a lot of dissension from the trans community comes from that very issue. We see trans people and we consider that everyone must be on their best presentation of themselves otherwise it'll give canon fodder to the nasty transphobes. But with time you understand that transphobes will take anything to use against us. They'll make up things if they don't find anything.

They told me they think I'm a girl harming myself because I : have family issues, because I suffered from rape, because I used to read too much yaoi, because I'm neurodivergent, because I have paraphilias, because I like gays, because I'm attracted to men, because I got manipulated by a trans woman. Like... There are hundreds upon hundreds of reasons they would think explain why I identify the way I do today. Independently of how much transition has given me. They already think I'm a woman, not because some trans men identify as lesbians, but because they think you can't change your gender, and that it's a maladaptive coping mechanism against trauma/oppression.

Flat earther have a general view of the world. They're not flat earther because they identify that way, they think the world is flat and will look for theories and reasons to believe so. That's not comparable. If tomorrow I wanted to think of myself as being a woman, this wouldn't change the way I perceive the world, I wouldn't need to find proof that I'm a woman either. I can just be one if I want to because a woman can exist and look like me. You could disagree all you want and bring reasons why I'm not actually a woman but that wouldn't change the view that I have of myself and I wouldn't need to prove that I am one, or find any reason for being one. Like... Yes I joke about it against TERFs but if tomorrow I felt that I was a woman you wouldn't be able to prevent me to be one. Well trans guys who think themselves as lesbian are the same. That's why it's pointless to argue against it.

I don't think that a few trans guys lesbians, hanging around lesbians bar, dating lesbians, mean that EVERY trans guy is a secret lesbian or that trans guys are women. If transphobes make that generalisation it's because they're bigoted, not because there's a secret truth to it.

TERFs have been saying that shit for like more than 6 or 7 years now btw. It didn't happen because I reblogged a post, and it won't stop even if you somehow control how every trans guy chooses to identify himself. It's inherent to the many transphobic beliefs they carry.

So no... It doesn't impact you, how people identify, even if you think the way they view themselves is wrong. I understand it can be frustrating and uncomfortable, but it's your own feelings to deal with.

If you wanna fight for the truth ™️ then there are dozens of other topics in which it will actually matter. People identifying as something you personally disagree with isn't one.

[mephist0phallus]

...

[uncle-fruity]

As another trans guy in his 30s, I want to stress to y'all that this is your decision to make, your life to live. No one else will have to live with your choices as much as you. No one will have to suffer the consequences or experience the absolute joy of your choices as much as you. There are difficulties, to be sure. And there are beautiful, precious, invaluable moments of self-actualization. You get to decide for yourself what kind of gender expression you want to have and to what extent you want to transition. And, seriously? If anyone tries to tell you that you're too stupid, too young, too naïve, too old, too feminine, too mentally ill, too loud, too selfish, or generally "too much" of anything to make your own gender choices, they are in the wrong. You decide what's right for you. You decide what's good for you. If the people around you don't like it, they can die mad. If they refuse to learn & grow & treat you with basic respect, it's okay to drop those people or put them at an arm's length in favor of spending time with different people who support & respect you.

It is hard being a teenager. It's hard being in your 20s. Things didn't start stabilizing for me until my late 20s into my early 30s (I'm still at it, but much better off than I was even 5 years ago). The only wrong time to transition is if you are personally not ready to do it -- and that is totally okay. I took a couple of years thinking about whether I wanted HRT or not. I took time to consider all the effects & whether I would be likely to regret any of the permanent changes made on T. And while I had some concerns, I went through with it and it changed my life for the better, all things considered. I regret nothing, but I'm glad I took time to think it through. Take as much or as little time as you need; transitioning is never off the table, if that's what you want to do.

I also wanted to put down just one last important point. If you're online a lot and the majority of your exposure to queer spaces are online queer spaces, you might feel like there is no community out there for queer men. There are a lot of trans men who experience isolation and ostracization from the queer community because of how masculinity is stigmatized and devalued. It's hard - like, emotionally hard - seeing everyone and their sister say shit like, "all men are trash." You are not trash. You are not a gender traitor. But I want you to know that there are people who care about you out there! Not just other trans guys or masculine queer folks, but all types of people in the community. You do not have to shut up and sit down to make yourself more palatable to people. The queer community includes you. The gatekeepers hate it, and they'll do their best to make you feel like you're alone, or like you're a problem, but you are not! Just like any situation where you have to make friends, it can take some effort to find your people. But I assure you that your people are out there. Queer groups that don't turn on you the moment you start HRT. Trans women who are kind and supportive and who can relate to you (and you to them). Cis people, both queer and not queer, who will validate you and celebrate your gender journey. Other trans guys who want to help you any way they can. Compassion and friendship and solidarity absolutely exists for us. Please try not to go down doom spirals, feeling like everyone will abandon you once you transition. Usually, there are people who will let you down, people who will lift you up, and people who need a little time to come around. Do not let anyone convince you that being trans is a curse, or that being a trans man is a social curse. Yes, there are problems of exclusion, erasure, and ridicule in many places (especially - and I cannot stress this enough - especially online), but that is not reflective of the entire queer community, and you have more friends/friends-in-waiting than you think. I guess what I mean is: stay strong, speak your truth, live your truth, and find the people who love you for it.

if you are a trans boy, especially a teenage trans boy, i wanted to say that as a trans man in their 30's, you have my deepest respects and condolences for what you may be going through right now.

it has become socially acceptable and basically online custom to bully teenage trans boys & mascs, call them cringy, or excuse misgendering them for whatever reason. people put trans boys on this pedestal of "must perform masculinity and manhood to cartoonish degrees" even though they're still children.

people make trans boys fight for their manhood before they can even be boys. i am sorry people can be so judgmental and harsh on you. you are not wrong for wanting to be a boy. you are experiencing something wonderful. it's okay if you still want to be a boy even if people have treated you poorly, or tried to make you feel bad for being a boy. there is nothing wrong with being a boy.

it's okay if you never socially transition. it's okay if you're afraid to come out because it's not safe. it's okay if you never change your outward appearance. it's okay if you try very hard to pass but struggle to. it's okay if you wear "women's" clothing and shoes, bras, makeup, etc., it's okay if you're gay and love other men. it's okay if you're scared of hrt. it's okay if you don't want surgery. it's okay if you mainly occupy girl's spaces still. people will find every reason to pick these things apart and ridicule trans boys for, but they are all perfectly fine experiences that do not make you any less of a boy. you are the one who is in control of your transition, presentation, and state of being- you should be able to prioritize your safety over the comfort of random strangers who have no impact over how you live your life.

i've been put through this too, but later in life as i came out when i was an adult. people still try to make me feel bad for identifying as a trans man, for whatever reason they have in their head to justify hatred of a trans person. i've had enough. there will never be an excuse for how people try to excuse the infantilization and abuse that trans men and trans boys face.

take care of yourselves, no matter what age you are, if you are a trans boy, man, or masc you deserve to know that other trans men care about you, especially when people are scrambling to find ways to punch down on you. there are people who suck, but there are also a lot of people who care about you. keep your chin up. you know who you are

[tetsunabouquet]

Active ways to Cultivate a Positive Body Image, the Self-Love Guide

A/N: Just saw one of my mutuals reblog a post like this but I quite disagree with it. So hereby I'll be sharing my tips as someone who's never been negative about their body but has went on a hollistic self-love journey. Mine will be split into two parts because my post got too long (PS, this is from a cis female perspective but the key to gaining confidence which I'll mention is actually something both men and women can do to improve their body image as well as some of my tips being also suitable for men, but I'll mention this key primarily in part 2. To trans people, this list will only be helpful to you if you've already transitioned and you're still feeling shit): Part 2 Don't be pro-selfie - Most people who are pro-selfie are very insecure people. Taking more photos won't change that, if anything, you'll be telling people you're insecure. (more on that later) No lingerie - Like being pro-selfie, most women I've seen who are huge fans of lingerie are insecure women trying to give themselves a confidence boost, or a boost to them feeling sexy. There's nothing wrong with a confidence boost, but relying on it to GIVE you confidence won't work. The moment your body starts aging and you're completely naked or you will need to wear normal underwear for a period of time like when you just gave birth, seeing yourself without the lingerie and the way your body has taken a hit can very well lead to your insecurities to return. Or worse, they'll become even more bad then they already were. Think of confidence boosts like an energy boosts, if you drink energy drinks it boosts your current energy but the moment you stop consumning energy drinks all the time your energy level will return to normal. I'm not taking away from that it can be empowering or sexy (I love silky babydoll-like night dresses), but it won't permanently change the way you view your body at all and wearing it for this reason is only a temporary fix. There are always exceptions to every rule, but substituting a confidence boost for real confidence usually doesn't works out. Follow people who debunk Instagram pictures - I'm talking about YouTubers like Stephanie Lange, who talks about the angles in which women contort their bodies to look better and celebrities alleged plastic surgery journeys. If media makes you insecure, just search for someone to debunk that shit and point out all the photoshop (for the men out there, even male celebrities get photoshopped, try to look for these instances).

Wear things that are comfortable but look nice too - Discomfort doesn't breeds confidence, it only breeds grumpiness and red itchy spots that aren't attractive at all. So think twice when you know your skin is sensitive and that sleeveless sequin top is glimmering prettily in a clothing store. Practical clothes that also look amazing are a girl's best friend if you ask me. Identify why you feel insecure - This is a bit of an armchair psychology moment, but to actually fix an issue, you have to get to the root of things. It won't make you feel comfortable, but not adressing the root of your negative body image will only ensure you're running away from the problem you have with yourself.

[backmaskedliedermacher]

Gatekeeping

When I was young, one of the main reasons I didn't transition was due to what trans women now often call "gatekeeping". You couldn't just say, in those days, "Hi, I am a trans woman, I would like a estrogen", like I wound up doing in 2019. You had to prove to people that you were really who you said you were, not just once, but over and over again. You couldn't just wear jeans. You couldn't go a couple of days without shaving. You couldn't just not want to have risky, invasive surgery. You couldn't be attracted to women. There were all these things we had to do in order to satisfy men's standards.

It was stupid and it was fucked up and when I was able to transition, it was because I didn't have to meet those bullshit standards anymore. I can wear jeans and be a dyke and not have surgery and not shave every day and still be a woman, and I love it. I love being a woman. I am what you might call your average gender enjoyer.

I look back, now, at the land where I used to live, the land of Cis Men, and it confuses me. I don't see a lot of average gender enjoyers. And I want to be respectful, I don't want to offend anyone, but sometimes I really feel like asking some of them "Bro, do you even enjoy being a man?"

Part of this is, well, selection bias, I think. See, trans women who are into guys, there's this problem we keep running into when we date cis men. We'll find this cute guy, we're into him, he's into us, we start going out, and then one day they come to us anguished and say "I think I might be a girl".

I don't really want to even talk about this, because first off, it's breaking kayfabe, there's this really really strong principle we have that when we're dealing with cis people, we go out of our way to avoid saying or doing anything to suggest that they might be anything other than cis. Not really because if we do, people will accuse of "grooming". People are gonna do that in any event, it's straight out DARVO. The conservatives and religious folks accuse us of the things they're doing to try and distract people, and I guess a lot of the time it works.

Nah, the reason I avoid doing this so much is because it doesn't work. People gotta figure this shit out for themselves, and when someone's repressing, a lot of times they're hypervigilant, they push back hard against any suggestion that they might not be who they're presenting themselves as. I know I was that way, in the Before Time. I built up all these defenses against questioning, against doing things that on a rational level are… honestly pretty innocuous. I mean, seriously, God forbid somebody wear a skirt in public. You know?

On top of that… Most cis guys already have this fucked up prejudice about not dating us. It's founded in nothing. Cis guys don't know we're trans and it's fine. That's why they're so afraid of finding out, because it is fine. Not telling them we're trans isn't "tricking" them, we're just not giving the opportunity to make a big fucking deal about something that isn't, in fact, a big fucking deal. Which some Totally OK men respond to by making a big show of talking about how they'd kill us if they ever found out we were trans. Because that's not some fucked up bullshit or anything.

Anyway, if cis guys find out that most of the guys who date us aren't, in fact, cis guys, God, none of them will ever fucking date us. They'll be like "oh my god it's CONTAGIOUS, if I date a woman and she turns out to be trans THAT MEANS I'M TRANS!!!!!" Like, uh, no, congratulations, you got your causation entirely backwards. Good job completely fucking missing the point.

So anyway, yeah, my sample is pretty clearly biased, cis men exist, I get suspicious of things I really shouldn't, and yet… I don't feel like the only people who gatekept my gender presentation were the transmed doctors. I look at what's expected of cis men and they are so fucking gatekept. I mean, no wonder so many of them look so miserable. No wonder so few of them seem to be Average Gender Enjoyers. What, honestly, are they allowed to enjoy?

And again, it's this whole self-fulfilling prophecy. I try to be against Toxic Masculinity, I say "Wearing a skirt doesn't make you a trans woman", I put on a skirt to prove it… well, shit. That didn't work out like I expected. I mean the stigma against defying the gatekeepers is so strong that the only people who will do it, it feels like, are people like me, people for whom the decision was pretty much Transition Or Death. Oh, you know what? I think I will have the cake after all, Suzy, it looks lovely.

Like maybe we should set the bar a little lower? Maybe people shouldn't have to agonize for years and feel like they're going against the Natural Order of God And Man to put on a goddamn dress? Yeah, I know, I'm really corrupting the fucking morals of the youth of Athens, daring to suggest such a thing. But maybe, just maybe, if it was normal for boys to wear dresses to school, not everybody who wore a dress would feel like they had to transition.

Or I guess the other alternative is that there's no such thing as cis men, and that if you let men wear dresses, we're all going to start taking hormones and transition and the human race will die out. Frankly I'd find that to be a preferable alternative, at this point. I'm just sick and tired of looking at these pathetic, sad-eyed men trying to convince themselves they're "alpha males" and blaming us when we don't fall for some pathetic sham foisted on them by some asshole guy who's out there trying to rip them off.

You know, man, woman, non-binary, agender, what-the-fuck-ever, I don't care, but if you're going to be something, for God's sake, at least try to enjoy it. Because if you're not enjoying it, why the fuck are you doing it at all?

[madamepestilence]

while disclaimer this is mainly an online discourse thing and the average person in real life is going to be more normal about it, there has been an insidious shift inside the queer community about the validity of the presentation of transgender people

transgender men are expected to either be uwu smol boi woman lite tm (which is also how ftn nonbinary people are often treated) or fully transitioned bears or twinks, and other iterations of men (e.g. men who don't use hormones, men who enjoy their breasts, men who are fat) get a lot of shit for not being, "man enough," and are invariably told they're just sexualizing people for their fetish—they're supposed to be more like men

in the inverse, trans women are punished socially, politically, economically just for existing (we call this intersection transmisogyny as trans women are subject to both discrimination for being transgender and for being a woman)—trans women are considered too lewd (note how trans women are always viewed through the lens of a penis, and are always considered inherently sexual; this goes back far enough that the english word, "bad," comes from, "baeddal," which is a derogatory word for a woman with a penis—the ancient equivalent of calling someone a tranny)

when a trans woman presents and promotes femininity, they're told that they're being oversexual or that they're reinforcing misogyny/sexism for living a way that makes them feel comfortable and telling people it's okay to like femininity—they're supposed to be more like men

when a trans woman presents masculinely, they're considered gross, horrible, a threat, a potential rapist or pedophile, or just taking being trans for attention (or on the more fash side, "brainwashed to be trans,"/a sissy/a femboy/a person just transitioning because it turns them on [and for the record doing that is fine; of course you're going to have a higher libido in a body you love yourself in]), and that they should just go be men if these evil horrible "fake trannies" invade our space—they should be more like men

when trans men get called tranny, they are quite literally being compared to trans women, because trans women are inherently considered disgusting sex predators, and they should be ashamed of themselves for trying to be like them, because they're just women who should be put in their place—they'll never be like men (for the record this is ALSO transmisogyny as trans men are often socially treated as still being women, sometimes through a decent portion of their transition to manhood until they're considered, "man enough," to achieve male privilege, or will experience further transmisogyny from people who view them as disgusting hairy women [see: anti-trans propaganda from the LGB movement portraying trans men drastically differently than cis men])

and god forbid a trans woman be hairy or fat or straight (ive seen straight trans women get a lot of shit for not being gay which i can't help but feel like inherently comes from a place of internalizing them as men who should only love women, another fucked example of how trans women live in a juxtaposition of being both woman and man and consequently are subject to misogyny without being protected as a woman) or black—because transphobia is inherently rooted in racism, these are all considered to be men's traits

all classism boils down to racism, actually, but ive written a whole ass essay on that elsewhere

the very act of a woman trying to be a man is considered laughable, because they're not supposed to increase their social class—they should've just been men if they wanted those rights

and trans women? do you know why transphobia has such a heavy lens on specifically trans women? it's because the very concept of a man trying to become a woman is antithetical to white supremacy—why would anyone ever want to be a woman, why would anyone ever want to be a lesser person?

these are the kinds of things that ive been seeing filter their way from fascist philosophy and directly infiltrate the queer and trans communities and it worries the shit out of me

this bullshit philosophy is going to be used to tear us apart so we're easier to kill

alright ive kept my peace on this for a while but its frustrating the fuck out of me: transgender people are reinventing sexism and especially misogyny going after each other so hard

TME/TMA is not meant to describe someone's fucking AMAB, it's meant to describe a trans person's lived experience of whether they are subject to misogyny, not whether you're transmasc or transfem. jesus christ.

ive seen trans women get bitched at for wanting to present feminine as inherently reinforcing gender binaries as though gender isn't something you should be able to express freely and trans womens' posts get hijacked to be about men, and in turn ive seen trans men—especially black trans men like salem—get a lot of shit for being proudly fat or having breasts

you dont need to present yourself as a fucking ubermensch. do you realize what's happening here. gender essentialism is being reborn and this shit is going to be weaponized by TERFs and fascists alike (with broad overlap, if not just a venn-diagram-is-a-circle)

let's get some things clear here:

- transmisogyny, like misogynoir and transmisogynoir, are meant to describe specific intersectional oppression

- trans men can be feminine. trans women can can be masculine. this applies vice versa as well.

everyone please stop fucking fighting