#water birth home nh

[birthcottage]

Experience the serene embrace of waterbirth in NH at Birth Cottage. Our skilled team is dedicated to crafting safe and tranquil environments for this profound birthing method. With a commitment to holistic wellness and tailored assistance, we empower families to embrace the arrival of their little ones in a peaceful and nurturing atmosphere. Rely on our seasoned midwives to expertly navigate you through each phase of the waterbirth process, ensuring a serene and empowering transition into parenthood. For further insights into our waterbirth services and to arrange a consultation, reach out to Birth Cottage today at (603) 673-6010. Your journey towards a beautiful birthing experience awaits.

[thatsonemorbidcorvid]

“Every year, about 25,000 (UK) women who give birth — approximately 4 per cent — are so distressed that they meet the diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder. That makes birth one of the biggest causes of PTSD in the UK according to the Birth Trauma Association charity – probably coming second only to sexual abuse and rape. Hundreds of thousands more women are traumatised. This is a major health crisis. And yet it is barely discussed…

According to figures from NHS Resolution, the arm of the Department of Health and Social Care that handles litigation, 62 per cent of the total clinical negligence cost of harm in 2022-23 (£6.6 billion) related to maternity.”

When my husband and I left for hospital on a Friday afternoon, we had no idea what would happen. The next few hours would change my life. For good and bad. It had all started with a cervical sweep the day before. I was 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant and, frankly, I’d had enough. My pregnancy had been uncomplicated in terms of my baby — she was healthy throughout, albeit had spent much of her time in the back-to-back position. But I had found the nine months increasingly difficult. From around 20 weeks I’d suffered from pelvic girdle pain, which, for me, meant increasingly agonising pain in my lower back. Walking and other everyday movements became difficult. The only place I felt vaguely comfortable was in water. Swimming was a relief.

Women are offered a sweep to help induce labour. A midwife inserts their finger and sweeps around your cervix. It’s about as basic as you can get. They’re trying to separate the membranes of the amniotic sac that surround the baby from your cervix. This then releases hormones, which may help start your labour. “Some women find the procedure uncomfortable or painful,” NHS guidelines say. I found it excruciating.

“Oh,” the midwife said, as I lay in a rather compromised position. “I might have broken your waters.” This didn’t make sense to me. I’d always assumed that when my waters broke, I’d know about it. Apparently not always, and I was instructed to call the hospital if contractions hadn’t begun within 24 hours as I was now potentially at risk of infection.

They didn’t start. And I did what I’d been asked. The voice on the phone was chirpy — everything sounded fine, stay at home, we’ll be seeing you soon enough. Half an hour later, my phone rang. “Where are you? You’re meant to be at the hospital,” the woman said angrily. I needed to come in immediately to be examined.

It was late Friday afternoon and it was busy. We took the last of the beds in maternity triage. And my waters broke in earnest. That solved the mystery, I suggested. No, I was told, and the water birth I’d hoped for was out of the question — too risky.

Strong and regular contractions started immediately. We were moved to a glorified cupboard that had been turned into a makeshift holding room. I was denied any pain relief because it was “too early”, and told that someone would bring me some paracetamol when they came to “examine” me.

It seems obvious when you think about it, but I had never been told what being “examined” meant. Nor thought about it. It sounds medical. But it’s literally a midwife sticking their fingers inside you. I was 3cm dilated. Plenty of time to go, apparently. It was 9.30pm. I felt sick and in enormous pain. Both were dismissed — until I vomited everywhere. And lost control of my bowels. This would happen several more times over the coming hours. I felt utterly ashamed. Again, it’s common — but I hadn’t been told.

I continued to ask for pain relief and continued to receive none. An hour later, I was 7cm dilated — in full labour — and finally received some paracetamol. There was no space on the labour ward. In just another half an hour, I was fully dilated and ready for the baby to come out. No one seemed to know what to do. The midwives were panicking. And that made me scared. This was my first baby. I didn’t know what to expect. We were rushed to the ward. Already, nothing had gone the way I wanted, or the way it had been talked about at National Childbirth Trust (NCT) classes. Eventually, I was given gas and air to ease the pain. But only for about 20 minutes. Apparently it was “distracting” me too much and I needed to push.

Two hours later there was still no baby and I was in agony. A doctor arrived, took a brief look and said cheerily, “You’re going to be fine. You’re going to get that baby out.” And then he left. My maternity notes state, “PLAN: continue pushing.” I have no idea what this refers to — like so many of my notes. There was no plan. If there was, it wasn’t one I had agreed to. Finally, after another hour the decision was made that the doctor would use a ventouse — a suction cup that sits on your baby’s head — to help deliver my baby. Apparently I consented to this, but I have no recollection of doing so. And I’m ashamed to say I didn’t know what was being asked of me. My doctor didn’t use the word ventouse. He used “Kiwi”, which is a type of ventouse. At the time, I didn’t know what either were.

I remember screaming in pain and then my daughter finally being born. She was placed on my chest for less than a minute. I was examined, told I had a fourth-degree tear that must be repaired and that I needed to sign a consent form for surgery straight away. “Look at the state of her,” my usually mild-mannered husband said. “How can she possibly sign a form?” I couldn’t. The writing on that form is barely legible, but they would not proceed without it.

I had no idea what had happened. I lay in an operating theatre in pain, silent tears rolling down my face. I was frightened. The anaesthetist was amazing and stayed with me while I was repaired. I am so grateful for that, at least. But I also feel guilty about it. It was half past three on a Saturday morning and she was the only anaesthetist on duty at the London hospital. Other women may well not have received the pain relief they needed because of me. “Will I be able to have any more children?” I asked as I stared at the ceiling.

After surgery I was moved to the high dependency unit (HDU) and reunited with my daughter. I finally held and fed her for the first time. That morning is a blur. My notes tell me we stayed in the HDU for five hours before being moved to a ward. It was there that I attempted to understand what had happened to me. I was in pain, barely able to move and soaked in blood. I asked various midwives to explain what had gone on. They repeated that I’d had a fourth-degree tear, but I didn’t know what that meant. One line, in scribbled handwriting, stands out when I look at my notes: “We don’t have any written info about fourth-degree tears.”

Eventually, a midwife appeared with some information they’d printed off after googling it. As I read it, I sobbed. I was 35 years old and thought my life was over; that I would be incontinent. And still no doctor came to explain. The medic who’d delivered my daughter was eventually marched to my bedside more than 48 hours later.

I am perhaps unusual in that I’ve always wanted children. We had done what many middle-class suburban couples did at that time and attended NCT classes. The underlying message of these was: try to avoid a caesarean section at all costs. “Natural” births were best, and even better just to breathe through it. No need for pain relief. I remember in our penultimate class bringing up the subject of tearing during labour. I had seen a TV feature on it that week and it struck me as important. “If most of us are going to tear to some degree, it would be really helpful to talk about that,” I remember saying. “It would be good to know how best to care for ourselves afterwards, that kind of thing.” The answer was no, there was no need. Instead, we proceeded to get on all fours and “moo” like cows and then practise putting nappies on a doll.

Up to nine in ten first-time mothers who have a vaginal birth will experience some sort of tear. The least invasive kind involves only the skin from the vagina and the perineum — the area between a woman’s vagina and anus. These tears usually heal quickly and without any treatment. Second-degree tears involve the muscle of the perineum and require stitches. Third and fourth-degree tears are the most serious. These involve not just tearing of the skin and muscle of the perineum but the muscle of the anus. In fourth-degree tears, the injury can extend into the lining of the bowel. These deeper tears need proper surgical repair under anaesthetic.

I don’t really have any happy memories of the first few days or weeks after we left the hospital. I was completely in love with my baby, but I felt shellshocked. I couldn’t process what had happened and there was no one who offered to help me. A different midwife was sent to our house every couple of days to weigh our daughter. I had no milk the first few days and she had lost a fair bit of weight. Even when my milk came in, I found breastfeeding painful and difficult, in large part because it hurt so much to sit down.

I cried quietly every day for several months. Often it would come completely out of nowhere. I’d be talking or watching television and I would just start to cry. Several midwives wrote in my notes in those early weeks the same phrase: “Mum is anxious.” I don’t think I was. I was traumatised. Several weeks later, I was told that I was “lucky” by the midwife examining my stitches. Apparently the doctors had done a “wonderful” job at repairing me and it looked “beautiful”. I now know that I was fortunate to be repaired properly and immediately after the birth. But the last thing I felt — then or now — was lucky.

After several months I desperately needed to have some control over my life again. I had never felt so helpless, lost and infantilised. But my overarching feeling was anger. I wrote to the chief executive and chair of the hospital to complain and was invited in for a debrief. The head of midwifery was lovely, apologised and followed through on her promise to try to prevent other women facing the appalling lack of communication I had. The hospital now has a specialist perineal health clinic too.

But the attitude of the consultant obstetrician whom I met with my husband floored us both. It was about six months after the birth, but I was still under the care of a consultant urogynaecologist. (I subsequently had two further operations: the first 14 months after giving birth to remove an undissolved stitch that was causing pain but hadn’t been spotted, and another six months after that.) My urogynaecologist had told me not even to consider giving birth vaginally again. The risk was too great, he explained. If I tore again, there was a 30 per cent chance I couldn’t be repaired and I’d be incontinent. The obstetrician said the opposite — don’t rule it out! I saw red. “How dare you,” I growled. I remember saying that he would never be so cavalier about a man’s body.

Every year, about 25,000 women who give birth — approximately 4 per cent — are so distressed that they meet the diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder. That makes birth one of the biggest causes of PTSD in the UK according to the Birth Trauma Association charity – probably coming second only to sexual abuse and rape. Hundreds of thousands more women are traumatised. This is a major health crisis. And yet it is barely discussed.

“Birth trauma is a broad term, but generally it’s overwhelming distress that leads to a detrimental impact on well-being,” explains Susan Ayers, professor of maternal and child health at City University in London. Estimates “range massively”, she says, but having conducted research into birth trauma for almost 30 years, Ayers puts it at about a third. “If you ask women whether they thought they or their baby was going to die or be severely injured, then it’s around 19-20 [per cent] in the UK. But if people just ask women, ‘Was your birth traumatic?’ some of those estimates are up to 50 per cent.”

“I’M BEATRICE’S MUM,” EMILY SAID, introducing herself to a committee of MPs in March. “Beatrice died during labour at full term in May 2022.” Emily is one of a number of brave women who have shared their traumatic birth stories with the all-party parliamentary group (APPG) on birth trauma, during the first parliamentary inquiry into this issue.

“As soon as my labour started,” Emily explained, “I knew it wasn’t right, wasn’t normal.” The details are harrowing: a series of obvious but missed red flags and an attitude from medical professionals that can only be described as cruel. The midwife who shrugged her shoulders when Emily’s waters were meconium-stained; the consultant obstetrician who laughed at the “slimy” feel of that meconium while her hand was still inside Emily.

“The ultrasound scanning machine was brought in and showed that Beatrice’s heartbeat had stopped,” she explained. “At that point I begged, pleaded like I’ve never pleaded for anything in my life for a caesarean, and that consultant obstetrician refused. She said no. And she left.”

“It’s destroyed my life,” Emily says now. “I’m not the person I was before.”

This inquiry has been led by the APPG’s co-chairs, the Conservative MP Theo Clarke and Labour’s Rosie Duffield. They received more than 1,200 written submissions after asking women to share their experiences; that number doubles if you count the letters and emails they’ve been sent informally.

“The thing that’s really struck me is there seems to be a taboo around talking about the risk of childbirth,” Clarke tells me when I sit down with both women in Westminster. There shouldn’t be, she adds. “Something we’ve heard from a number of the mothers coming to speak to us is that there’s such a focus on the baby post-delivery, they almost forget there’s a second patient in the room, and that’s the mother.”

“I was constantly told by GPs that I had nothing wrong with me,” one mother, Sarah, told the MPs. She experienced a major tear that doctors and midwives failed to diagnose. “I was discharged two days later with [an] untreated tear, which very quickly led to enormous amounts of pain, incontinence, faecal incontinence and thinking I was going mad.”

“It’s very painful,” explained Jenny, who also experienced a serious tear that was left untreated, “but the long-term consequences of an unrepaired tear are that I had to give up my job. I’ve suffered PTSD, anxiety, depression. My activities are restricted. My life is impacted in that I have to meticulously plan my day around toilets.”

Another mother, Neera, lost three litres of blood and required more than ten hours of life-saving emergency surgery the day her daughter was born. The haemorrhage had not been picked up by staff. She said she is fortunate to have had the “means and support” to access mental healthcare over four and a half years of her five-year-old’s life. “I have personally spent over £6,000 and received more than 50 hours of mental health support,” she told parliament.

The women who have spoken to politicians as part of the inquiry had different medical experiences. But there were obvious similarities. Their concerns and their pain were dismissed. They were not treated with respect or, in some cases, like human beings. They felt helpless, angry and scared. “Nobody really cares about women,” says Kim Thomas, CEO of the Birth Trauma Association. “What we tend to find with most of these stories is there’s failure after failure after failure. Lots of things go physically wrong… and that continues afterwards in the postnatal period with really poor care.” Almost all women seeking out the charity say their experience was made much worse by the way they were treated during labour. “The number of stories we hear of women being shouted at by midwives or laughed at by midwives is quite extraordinary.”

Birth doesn’t have to be this way. And it isn’t for many women. But women, in England in particular, could — and should — be having better experiences than they are.

Let’s start with serious tears. The number one risk factor is being a first-time mum. There’s nothing much that can be done about that. But the next is having an instrumental vaginal delivery — and in particular one that uses forceps. “Data indicates that we use more forceps than other parts of Europe,” says Dr Ranee Thakar, president of the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG). While rates in several European countries hover at around 0 per cent, a 2023 study of assisted births in 13 high-income countries found England used forceps in a higher proportion of births — about 11 per cent — than any other.

There are cases where forceps must be used. When babies are premature, suction would cause too much damage to the head. But that’s doesn’t explain the discrepancy. “It’s education,” Thakar explains. “We should be trained to do both [forceps and ventouse], so that we provide the best care to women and use the right instrument for the right baby and the right mother.”

The risk of a severe tear when forceps are used is at least twice as high as with ventouse: 8-12 per cent compared with 4 per cent. Women should be told this. The recent parliamentary inquiry heard other suggestions that might explain why forceps use in England is so high. The consultant gynaecologist and obstetrician Dr Nitish Raut explained that when poor outcomes of childbirth become part of litigation, the question, “Why were forceps not applied earlier?” will be asked. Although they can cause injury to mothers, forceps are the most effective instrument for getting a baby out. If a doctor tries and fails to deliver a baby with the less invasive ventouse first, a record will be made at the hospital trust. It was suggested by others that this might also be pushing some doctors straight to forceps use even when they might not be necessary.

“Training is a really key part of everything here,” Posy Bidwell, deputy head of midwifery at South Warwickshire Foundation Trust, told MPs. “If we can train people, we can prevent these injuries happening. Many midwifery students wouldn’t know the impact that these injuries are having on women.”

Newly qualified midwives did not know enough about perineal damage, and yet they’re providing one-to-one care to women. Current training did not seem to see it as a priority: while several aspects of maternity care are mandatory each year, suturing and perineal protection are not.

Neither doctors nor midwives appear to be taught how to routinely examine women after they have given birth either. Where this was once part of mandatory medical training, doctors are no longer encouraged to do it, Raut explained.

England is short of as many as 2,500 midwives, the Royal College of Midwives (RCM) estimates, although people are wanting to train and join the profession. Donna Ockenden, who is reviewing maternity services at Nottingham and who previously did so at Shrewsbury and Telford Hospitals NHS Trust, cautions against being too optimistic, however. The focus needs to be on retention. “Two midwives don’t equal two midwives,” she told parliament, “of we are losing midwives with 20, 30, 35 years’ experience… and they’re then being replaced by a more junior workforce, who are not being supported in those early days of their career.”

In the past decade and a half, the UK has seen several NHS maternity scandals — in Morecambe Bay, Shrewsbury and Telford, and East Kent. In all these cases, some of the poor care provided to mothers and their babies was because of a push towards “normal” or “natural” birth and a desire to keep caesarean section rates low. The RCM ended its campaign for “normal births” in 2017, but its legacy persists. Some NHS trusts still talk about them today. A culture of cover-ups and a lack of care remains in others. Just last month, the Care Quality Commission found that staff at Great Western Hospital in Swindon had been downgrading third and fourth-degree tears, “which meant they were not investigated as thoroughly as they should” have been. The c-section target was only officially dropped in 2022. Does RCOG now accept that it was a mistake? “It’s difficult for me to say years later whether it was a mistake or not,” Thakar tells me. “I think there was a general trend at the time to put figures to caesarean section rates. But now we know that, we don’t do that.” It was now right that women were offered a choice; she insists she hasn’t seen an attitude against caesareans more recently.

Aside from any physical and psychological impact, traumatic births are costing the country billions. According to figures from NHS Resolution, the arm of the Department of Health and Social Care that handles litigation, 62 per cent of the total clinical negligence cost of harm in 2022-23 (£6.6 billion) related to maternity. Of the £2.6 billion spent on clinical negligence payments that year, £1.1 billion (41 per cent) related to maternity. (As the fact-checking service Full Fact explains, the cost of harm differs from the amount actually paid out in compensation: the former includes an estimate of claims expected in the future arising from incidents in that financial year.) The year before, maternity services accounted for 60 per cent of the total clinical negligence cost of harm (£13.6 billion). NHS England spends about £3 billion a year on maternity and neonatal services.

There is such a long way to go. The government is well behind on its long-term target of halving the rates of stillbirth and neonatal mortality by 2025; the death of mothers within 42 days of the end of pregnancy is at its highest rate in almost 20 years. And while only a handful of trusts have been subject to official investigations, there are signs that poor care is happening across the country. Only half of maternity units in England are rated good or outstanding; one in ten is inadequate. That is a damning indictment of the way so many women are cared for.

One crucial area of improvement does not cost money at all. It requires a shift in attitude to one where women are treated with respect, listened to and allowed to make informed decisions about their bodies and babies.

When I first heard of parliament’s inquiry into birth trauma, it was never my intention to share my experience. Doing so has been upsetting and uncomfortable. But as I sat listening to other women talk about how giving birth had affected them so profoundly, it felt dishonest to stay quiet. Difficult births are not something we should feel ashamed of — much as I know many women will have been, myself included.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

I've always been Team Surrogacy, but what you mentioned from Spare about getting an epidural makes me wonder. I didn't know about that tidbit, only the bath and the nitrous. If she's the best/only mom to ever mom, why wouldn't she claim to have a natural birth? Strange for her not to cosplay that bit from Kate and lean fully into earth mama perfection.

Another anon corrected everyone's understanding about the bath. Popular conception (which I confess to believing as well because it's been so long since I read Spare) is that Meghan had an epidural and then delivered Archie in a water bath.

That isn't what happened. What happened, according to Spare (and I went back and double-checked anon's recounting with my bootleg copy of Spare), is that first Meghan had a bath to help with her pain management. While she was in the bath, Harry was getting high on the laughing gass. The bath-as-pain-management didn't work so she had to get an epidural. The epidural wore off and Meghan required a second epidural. Then the baby was born.

But there are even flaws in this version as well. I have never heard of anyone getting two epidurals during labor and delivery. And in fact, the quick research I've done on NHS recommendations for epidurals is that only one should be administered. So that's odd.

What's also odd, if not alarming, is that a woman who had such a traumatic birth - according to Spare, Archie had gotten stuck and was wrapped in the umbilical cord and there was discussion of an emergency c-section - and such a difficult labor that she required two epidurals was allowed to go home less than two hours later?

Not even Kate did that. Kate went home 7 hours later with Charlotte and Louis (she stayed overnight with George), and it was understood she had textbook no-complications labors and births.

[sleepingdeath-light]

finding out her husband is pregnant hcs ; grelle

requested by ; anonymous (26/05/23)

fandom(s) ; black butler

fandom masterlist(s) ; hub | specific

character(s) ; grelle sutcliffe

outline ; “Can I have Grell finding out that their afab Tans masc husband is pregnant? And how they find ways to make the pregnancy less dysphoric ?”

warning(s) ; references to dysphoria, brief references to transphobia, descriptions of pregnancy and pregnancy related stuff

note ; this takes place in a modern au with a human!grelle as i’m not sure if shinigami can canonically even reproduce — also this takes place in the uk (obviously) so they don’t need to worry about medical costs (nhs — woop woop)

you’d been feeling extremely unwell for days and grelle had to pretty much force you to go to the hospital after the millionth ‘it’s probably just something that i ate’

and after a few dozen tests the staff were pretty damn certain about the result and the both of you just about fainted

you weren’t trying for a kid, you were both using birth control, and you were in no way prepared to deal with the trauma of being reminded of your anatomy for nine months straight

so you went home and you sat down together and talked

it was a long discussion where you spoke about all of the options you had at your disposal, what you wanted to do and how she could help you with what you wanted

she was absolute insistent that it was your decision to make and that the discussion was only happening so that she could create a game plan to help you with whatever you chose

you had several of those long discussions, actually, over the course of a work week as you thoroughly weighed out your options and consulted your gp and spoke to a therapist you’d been putting off going to

and in the end you made the decision that you wanted to keep the pregnancy, telling grelle that same day and the two of you started to work on a plan to help you deal with what was going to happen

grelle, of course, was spearheading the operation and fighting anyone who tried to stall her in getting whatever you needed or wanted

she insisted that it was her duty as a wife to take care of her husband, and she was doing a damn good job of it

she got you a prescription for some medication to help with morning sickness and made sure to keep a good stock of pain medication in case you started to swell or feel achy as the pregnancy progressed

she makes sure that the fridge is stocked with your favourite foods or current cravings and will immediately get rid of anything that smells too strong and makes you feel ill

buys you lots of baggy clothing early on — large men’s jumpers and shirts and jackets that hide your bump and don’t have the same feminine energy that typical maternity clothing tends to have

she comforts you when you realise that you can no longer keep up with your hrt due to the pregnancy, always there with a warm hug and comforting words and genuine advice to help you from back before she was able to start her hrt

fetches you anything you need — whether that’s food, drink, a hot water bottle, an ice pack, your phone, just anything you want

when your bump gets too heavy she’ll hold it up from behind, letting you lean back against her as she takes on the weight for a short while

she has gotten into several physical alterations with people who refer to you with feminine terminology and isn’t shy about berating people who misgender her ‘darling husband’

she makes sure that you never miss a checkup and if you’re too dysphoric to look at anything but the screen, then she’ll help cover it from your view during the ultrasounds

decorating the nursery was a two person job but it was great fun — and you thankfully managed to complete it early enough in your pregnancy that you weren’t showing yet, meaning you were able to play a much more active part in the process

she changed your contact name in her phone to ‘seahorse hubby’ as a joke in the first trimester and you both found it way funnier than it was so it stuck

she’s not shy about complimenting you and always tells you how handsome you look and how amazing and selfless you are for creating a whole life — for expanding your family

if your ankles start swelling or you end up with muscle pain, then grelle will happily offer to massage you to ease your aches and pain

runs you warm bubble baths every night to help ease the weight of the pregnancy for you

forever googling your symptoms and trying to find more stylish masculine maternity wear — and losing her mind when she realises that nobody seems to be selling it

(says it could be a good business idea and goes to write it down before continuing with her rant against the clothing industry)

makes sure that you have constant access to mental health services and midwives and doulas to make sure that your mental and physical well-being are the best they can be throughout pregnancy and even post partum

she buys this little spinner thing so that you can let her know how bad your dysphoria is that day and she can react accordingly (green = minimal, orange = present, red = really bad)

always at your beck and call and will answer every text or phone call from you — no matter how much it irritates william or her other colleagues

but they let her off because they’ve met you before and know that pregnancy probably isn’t fun for you — even if your wife won’t stop talking about how ‘awesome’ you are and how you’re going to be ‘the best dad ever’

grelle is with you every step of the way and she tries to be with you physically as much as her work allows — being the most supportive wife she can be and, eventually, becoming the most loving mother you could ever want your child to have

she loves you deeply and appreciates the difficulty of what you’re going through by choosing to carry this pregnancy to term, so she becomes your biggest cheerleader and most passionate advocate

someone who’d give you the moon if you asked and who’d fight everyone who got in her way

and that’s why you love her as much as you do

[captain-aralias]

giving birth

idk, i'm pretty sure some people wouldn't write a post about going into labour on tumblr, but it's a thing i wanted to write about, so - it's here if you want it! if you'd rather avoid, don't click the read more.

things normal people might want to know outside the cut:

baby is now 11 days old <3 things are generally going well. i sleep between about 11pm and 3am, and then again 8am to 10am

it's been hard to get enough brain together to write a post like this, reply to comments, read fic, etc, as many of my most cogent hours have been visitor hours or hanging out with my partner. the night shift is not a good time to do things that aren't watching TV. i've managed to Read Half a Book (daisy jones and the six - easy going, i like it)

i was going to cosplay him as baby simon snow left at the orphanage, but he looks nothing like simon (much more like baz - currently: grey eyes, reddish-gold skin, dark hair), and also i don't want to write on my baby :o

surprise fourth entry: we think the terrace house next door has been turned into a brothel ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ok - birth stuff after this. not too much gory detail, probs, but some.

the beginning part you already know!

waters broke on thursday 11th, just after i woke up. this was two days after the stitch was removed, and therefore almost certainly related, so hooray for stitch! kept the baby in until 37 weeks.

i'd been worried that i might not realise my waters had broken, as apparently this is totally possible. i am here to tell you - that YES, it is possible. i clocked what it probably was immediately, but also it wasn't a 4 cups of liquid is everywhere sort of deal, it was more like - about half a cup every hour or so. and so i thought - this is probably what is happening, but maybe it's not and i should have done more pelvic floor exercises.

went to hospital. got hooked up to the machine that monitors baby heartbeat and movement. nothing much happening, although heartbeat all ok. the midwife on duty was called 'merlyn' - true story.

she asked me to walk around for a bit and come back, so my partner and i walked to the costa coffee inside the hospital. i ordered one of the new 'bubble' drinks, because i thought - why not? it's sugary and cold, these are things that make babies move. the drink was...... not good. blueberry slushy with cream on top and bubbles that were a) too big to fit through the absolutely normal straw and b) apparently were a cross between blueberries and popping boba. i say apparently as i'd given up by then and my partner ate them.

anyway - this detail included just to show you how surreal and nothingy early labour was. we walked back, hooked back up to the machine. baby now kicking a bit, and merlyn asked me whether i just had a really high pain tolerance and therefore wasn't upset about the contractions. i said, 'i dont know - guess we're about to find out' 🤔

agreed i probably wasn't in labour yet, so i was sent home, but asked to come back at 4.30 for my pre-scheduled scan with the nice doctor who first realised my cervix was open, and who we've seen regularly since (because my partner rang to complain when we had no follow up, and because this doctor was the one who rang us back and then made sure we were seen afterwards. not brilliant work from NHS administrators).

was also told if i didn't go into labour before hand, to come back at 8.30am (24 hours after waters broken) to be induced. given leaflet about induction methods. key take away - could take up to 3 days. sounds terrible.

home for 2 hours, back to hospital for scan.

we were waiting around for about half an hour. shown in - doctor says, 'we've had some difficult patients today, sorry! but you should be easy'. my partner tells her my waters have broken - she's surprised! (but pleased) no one has managed to tell her or put it in any notes, which she just reviewed. again - great job. i do love you NHS, but what is going on? a student midwife is trying to scan me - and has had to deal with all these previous difficult cases. with little amniotic fluid left, her job is basically impossible. sorry :'(

but - waters breaking confirmed! honestly, until that point i was still not sure. doctor says, induction could be offered immediately, but we mostly don't do that as in almost all cases you go into labour before 24 hours. i said thank you again for spotting my cervix being open. weird to think we won't see her again!!

went home. watched the end of 'little dorrit' (overall - it's good. so many famous people. the ending is a bit all over the place, though). about 9pm started feeling period-pain type pain. figured: probably a contraction! definitely did not feel like i expected in that there was no real release. it was just - now you're having a painful period. i called maternity triage again to say there was blood in the water now, and they reminded me that was totally normal (mucus plug, i guess) and to come back when things were serious.

so - i went to sleep.

woke up at about 2am. contractions now serious business, but also still... not as serious as i'd expected. again: basically it felt like period pain, this time crossed with constipation. and then it would go away, and i'd feel totally normal again, which i was not expecting.

we'd been told to come in when the contractions were every 5 minutes for an hour. my contractions were coming about ever 2-3 minutes. after about 20 minutes, i told my partner that i wanted to go to the hospital now, even if we should really wait. this was the RIGHT decision.

i'm the only one who can drive our car. it was obviously not a good idea to drive the car. i called an uber. unfortunately the labour ward is on the other side of the hospital to the main entrance, and doesn't have an address you can give uber..... retrospectively i'd have done better just putting in the street, like i usually did, but i tried to use the labour ward post code. we ended up at the main entrance, which was shut.

erin (my partner) keeps telling people that the uber drive was annoyed i slammed the door of his car, but i honestly do not remember this. the drive was about 10 minutes, during which i alternated between feeling bad and feeling totally fine.

we didn't bother trying to direct the driver to the right part of the hospital, just got out. erin wanted to go and get a wheelchair, but i didn't want to just sit on the ground outside the hospital in the middle of the night while she did that, and i felt completely fine ... except when i didn't.

so we walked to the labour ward. it's about 5 minutes from the entrance. i sat on the floor when the contractions came. then walked again. cool times.

arrived at maternity triage. again, it felt like going there every other time we'd ever been there - my key take away is that most of being in labour was extremely underwhelming. pain was not great, to the extent that i was thinking 'i can see why people don't like labour, maybe this was a terrible idea', but i could still think things like that. they hooked me up to the same machine as they had in the morning, and this time it said - yes, definitely in labour (which i knew, but ho hum - it was doing its best!).

asked to confirm i was a low risk pregnancy. we were like - nope, don't think so. ivf, stitch, isnt that in the notes??

a midwife came over and was like - "WOW, you're 8cm dilated." (of the necessary 10cm) at which point they started to take everything a bit more seriously. but they also described a bunch of pain relief options - and i was like, whatever, give me whatever i can have. and then was told - oh no, you actually can't have pethadine, water birth, or epidural of these as you're too far along. (which i also knew, but then why offer?)

i'd sort of suspected this might be the case, given how my cervix tried to open at 21 weeks. so my birth plan was basically 'whatever'. v glad i hadn't had my heart set on anything in particular.

they wheeled me down the corridor to one of the birthing rooms. they wouldn't let me go to the toilet in case i had the baby in the toilet..... that's how quickly things were happening.

i managed to change into the hospital gown, then got onto the bed. 'this is such a comfortable bed' i told my partner, although later (post birth) i realised that it wasn't... but i appreciated it a lot at the time.

i WAS allowed gas and air, hurrah. i'm extremely keen on doing things that make my life easier, so i accepted, obvs. basically, you breathe in during the contractions, and breathe out of the mask normally when you're not contracting.

THIS made the whole experience very different from just 'intense period pain', in part probably because the pain was ramping up, but also because whenever i wasn't contracting i felt completely off my face from the gas. overall, i thought this was a decent pain relief option. i also liked how breathing in the gas gave me something to focus on while pain was happening and it was a clear signal to everyone else that it was happening.

i probably had about... 5 more before my body was like 'maybe time to push'. (it really did feel different/like an actual urge). midwife told me i couldn't have the gas and air anymore - boo - just focus on pushing when the urge came.

pushed...... but obviously it hurt, so even though they were like 'keep pushing!' i thought, i will just relax because that's less painful. (great job, brain.) but i only faked out twice.

they invited a doctor in, because i was bleeding, and baby's heartrate was dropping. i agreed to the episiotomy because even though i reeeally didn't want that, i obviously would do whatever to get the baby safe.

retrospectively, my partner and i think that probably i was bleeding because i'd just had the stitch out two days before and those wounds had opened. but neither of us thought of it at the time, and no one assisting with the birth had had time to read the notes. (this is a theme of the post, not to be too whingey - but it was a shame). but anyway, the cutting (boo) came with a side of local anaesthetic (HOORAY) so actually it felt like a very good decision at the time, even above baby's safety.

one more contraction, one more push - baby was born in one go.

he's premature-levels of small at 5lb 10oz (5th percentile), even though he's technically full term. this is why erin and i think the bleeding was from the stitch rather than the baby, although one of the midwives suggested perhaps he was holding his arm up next to his face and that made him seem bigger. the scan we got the day before estimated his weight as being more normal, but scans are super unreliable particularly late in pregnancy.

really a very easy birth, as far as i can tell. i had slept through a lot of the early stage. the fear of being at home at not with medical professionals was the worst bit (and we fixed that by just going in even when we weren't sure) and as soon as it was over, i felt immediately fine. the whole thing had taken 2 hours tops. baby born at 4.30am.

i thought i'd cry when they gave me the baby, but actually i was too surprised that he was actually there and alive. (my partner cried.) the umblical cord looks creepy and alien. we'd agreed a medical professional should cut the cord, rather than erin (who wants to do this? they just want dads to feel involved). i got to hold him baby while they gave me the shot to deliver the placenta. barely felt it.

then had to give baby to erin for 30 minutes while a fuck tonne of stitches were put in... the amount of sewing involved was definitely worrying. i'd assumed maybe like... two stitches, but... it was a lot. can't recommend (though could not feel it at the time.)

after that, we just got to hang out in the room. i showered, changed, they brought me (but not erin) some breakfast and lunch. they did tests on the baby, most of which he passed. didn't pass the hearing test but apparently this is normal, as lots of babies have fluid in their ears. we think he can hear as he has startled at loud noises since. all the clothes i'd brought were hilariously too big.

sent home about 12 hours after the birth. could have stayed if we'd wanted to, but definitely did not.

i felt totally fine the entire day of the birth, full of LOTS of adrenalin. second day was also ok. third day was my crash. i got a cold, which was NOT good for my pelvic floor (and which i still have, RIP). my stitches hurt, the sleep debt had kicked in and i was hobbling everywhere, and breastfeeding wasn't going well. before the birth i'd been very much of the opinion that i'd breastfeed if it was easy, but i found it kind of weird and knew the health benefits were exaggerated. (but not completely, obviously). deep in my hormones, i was not able to hold onto this previously rational view. instead, i was thinking - i have no connection to my baby anymore.

i also cried at the song 'making a man' from the musical operation mincemeat (which is NOT an emotional song - but is about someone with the same name as my baby, who i'd just made), the beginning of the movie 'in the heights' (it was just so good!), the ending of the movie 'pride', and i cried again while describing what had happened at the end of 'pride' and how i'd cried.....

bought several breast pumps, fed the baby formula, took a day off from trying to breastfeed, things pretty much fixed for me (except for the crying at movies) by day 5. going to continue with combination feeding (i.e. breastmilk+formula) though, because it just seems insane to have to wake up every time the baby is hungry. what am i, a sadist? and when people are over - how good not to have to get your breasts out... thank you makers of formula.

ANYWAY. we're now on day 11. feels like baby is pretty easy going for a baby, he only cries when he needs something - which i appreciate, as it helps me keep him alive \o/ he will sleep in his basket, but only if he's already asleep. he prefers to be held. he can sleep for 3 hours at a time, but only during the day - at night you're lucky to get 1 hour, and he has been awake for about 2 hours at a time, unlike about 15 minutes average in the day. he smells nice, he wasn't cute-cute when he first came out, but he is getting extremely cute now and i think he looks more like my partner than an unknown donor (although still all to play for, i think). because he's still super small and almost pre-term, his legs and arms are still all curled up like he's in the womb, even though he's been out 11 days. but he's gradually uncurling them and stretching out.

i like holding him. he makes funny faces. he has a LOT of hair - which means the heartburn was right about that one. (n.b. heartburn is linked to hair, this is an old wives tale that is now scientifically proven) think it's going well, overall <3

n.b. i had to pause at this point because baby woke up. what they say about baby boys peeing on you while you change their nappies is 100% accu-rat, but it's quite funny really. we haven't worked out how to stop it because putting a cloth over him makes him hold it in..... and then you remove the cloth....... fine comedy in action.

my bump was very small, so i was able to put my pre-pregnancy jeans back on after only a few days. hooray, i love jeans.

uterine contractions started about day 6 (this is a thing i feel i did not know about before being pregnant myself. 7 days worth of contractions post baby to bring your uterus back in line). wow, it's like MORE PERIOD PAIN. great. there's less blood than i expected, though. i also can't control my temperature well at night - so i'm super hot while asleep, then get out of bed and start shivvering. apparently this is what the menopause will be like. looking forward to that 😅

not much else to add except the brothel stuff. basically 2 nights ago, someone knocked on my front door at 4.30 (same time baby was born!) in the morning as i was sitting up with baby. rang the doorbell, walked round to peer through the window, and then knocked again. i would not have answered - just wanted him to go away, but erin came down and opened the door, which was (it turns out) the right thing to do, but i was not happy about it - as we live in a semi-dodgy neighbourhood, although i've always felt relatively safe as we're off the highstreet and there are often people outside the pub until 1-2am, which is annoying but also feels like they'd see and stop anything bad.

i was running through scenarios like 'and then he breaks in' or 'and then he stabs whoever opened the door' in my mind. instead he just said something like - 'do you know where the whorehouse is?' and erin said 'wtf, it's 3am' and closed the door.

this could have just been a random incident, and indeed i didn't hear him say 'whorehouse' so i thought it was just a drunk guy asking for directions. but once she told me what he'd said, we then realised that the house next door to us... probably is a brothel. it's been renovated by our ex-neighbours and rented out, all the windows are blacked out, including the skylight we can see out of our windows. there's a complex doorbell system, they refuse to take our packages in, they don't have any bins out the front (which is presumably because no one is using the house as a house), and we've definitely heard people having sex through the walls. though erin thinks they've put up sound insulation just in time to not have to hear the baby crying in retaliation.

she's american and leftie and very against cops, so i'm trying not to be a karen about it. i have not reported it to the police, but i have said to erin already that if anything else happens that makes me feel unsafe...... i probably will. the man knocking on the door makes me not want to be awake with the baby in the night, even though nothing happened. (he broke the first rule of secret brothel - you DONT talk about secret brothel). we don't have our ex-neighbours details, so reporting is all we could do. apart from i guess ask them to move.... (won't be doing that, obvs. confrontation? no thanks.)

hopefully it's fine, and they will just move on at some point. VERY weird, though. and not what i need while hopped up on hormones.

glad to have written this post! feels like a good turning point in baby land, being able to write some words even if it's just this stream of consciousness. i also logged back into work Teams to send some pictures. since he was born, have been out with baby to the midwife (in the car), marks and spencers (in the car with pram), boots (in the pram), and today to a hipster coffee shop (in car, baby slept in pram bassinet). might reply to some comments tomorrow. working back up to actually writing some fic or finishing my lego.

also - it's (almost) hitting me that i have 9 months off work. apart from the sleep, i feel like i could go back to work now.... but i WANT the time off. but usually i only take 2 weeks off, and i've done that now... so it's time to go back to work...

i did read a bunch of other messages on Teams/Slack when i was posting the pictures. v hard not to care. even with something much more important to do.

ok - going to eat some food, now. thank you to anyone who read this far! hope it was interesting as well as long.

not tagging this pregnancy as i was doing it so people could block the tag, but people who don't know me literally found my posts and read them. and ... that's not what this is for.

[ukrfeminism]

2 minute read

One in four women are being left alone and anxious during childbirth amid a worsening crisis in NHS maternity care, a damning report has revealed.

A quarter of mothers giving birth last year said they were unable to get help from midwives and doctors at times when they were worried during labour.

The Care Quality Commission, which conducted the survey, said this represents a “concerning decline” since 2019, when 19 per cent said they couldn’t get help when they needed.

Less than half said their husband or partner was allowed to stay with them throughout their stay in hospital, amid ongoing “lockdown-era” visiting restrictions in hospitals.

The number of women who say they were treated with “kindness and understanding” by hospital staff has also fallen over the past three years, from 76 per cent to 71 per cent.

Increasing numbers of women also say their concerns are being ignored, and they are not treated with dignity and respect.

In total 20,900 women who gave birth across England in February 2022 were questioned as part of an annual survey.

Only 41 per cent of the women said their husband, partner or family member could stay with them the whole time they were in hospital during and after childbirth. This has improved slightly from 34 per cent in 2021, when draconian pandemic hospital visiting restrictions remained in place, but is down from 74 per cent in 2019.

The CQC, which regulates hospitals, looked at 26 aspects of maternity care and found “a significant downward trend” in 21 areas over the past five years.

The report has been published following a series of high-profile NHS maternity scandals. In October an investigation found 97 babies and mothers died as a result of “deplorable” treatment by staff at East Kent Hospitals, with the lead author Dr Bill Kirkup calling for an overhaul of NHS maternity care to “break the cycle of endlessly repeating supposedly one-off catastrophic failures”.

But health leaders warned that a shortage of 2,000 midwives means care is getting worse rather than better, putting the lives of mothers and babies at risk.

Angela McConville, CEO of the NCT, the parent support charity, said: “Maternity services in England are categorically falling short of women’s expectations. A woman who gives birth today may have a worse experience of NHS maternity services than if she gave birth five years ago. Time usually leads to progress, but we’re seeing the opposite.

“Today, women are less likely to report getting the help they need during labour, birth and antenatally, to get information to make informed decisions about their care and to feel that any concerns about their care are taken seriously.

“This is not all the impact of the Covid pandemic but is directly associated with long-term under-investment in the staffing of maternity services.

“Lockdown-era postnatal policies must end now. It is unacceptable that less than half of women say that their partner or someone close to them was able to stay with them as much as they’d like after giving birth. Trusts must immediately enable partners’ presence at in-hospital postnatal care so that mothers are never left without food and water, emotional support, access to a bathroom and help to lift and feed their baby.”

Postnatal care after women get home was also found to be worsening, with many new mothers left feeling isolated and unsure how to breastfeed and care for their baby. Less than half said they were always able to access advice in the six to eight-week period after having their baby.

Despite repeated pledges to improve “continuity of care” just one in ten women saw the same midwife throughout pregnancy and in the early days of motherhood, the research found.

One in five women said they were not offered any choices about where to have their baby.

Victoria Vallance, from the CQC, said the results show a “concerning decline over time” with women unable to get help “when it was most needed”.

She said: “This reflects the increasing pressures on frontline staff as they continue in their efforts to provide high quality maternity care with the resources available.

“CQC is committed to doing all we can to help accelerate those improvement efforts. We recently began a new programme of maternity inspections which has a strong focus on capturing the experience of women and families.”

Matthew Jolly, national clinical director for maternity and women’s health for the NHS in England, said: “The CQC survey results show the ongoing impact of the pandemic on maternity services, and while the majority of women were positive about their interactions with staff and the information provided, other findings show the implications of sustained workforce challenges and reinforce the need for further improvements to maternity services.

“We continue to take action to strengthen maternity services across the country — we’re investing £165 million annually to grow our workforce, strengthen leadership and improve culture, while continuing to work closely with NHS trusts and our partners to make necessary improvements and ensure that we provide the best possible services for mothers, babies and their families.”

[cmutty]

37 days!

37 days from the time my wife’s water broke, on the Fourth of July, until our 5+ pound baby was finally able to come home. He wasn’t due until 8/30 and we had no reason to believe this third baby would come any earlier than his older brothers (36 and 38 weeks). But early he was and the past month was one of the hardest we’ve ever experienced as a family.

We were visiting family in VT when my wife (Peg) suddenly gave me a look of panic that stopped me in my tracks. I thought I had done or said something wrong but it turned out it was her water breaking at just under 32 weeks. We didn’t panic. She got herself situated in the bathroom while I got the kids situated, called the in-laws to get them home, and hurried to pack stuff so we’d be prepared at the hospital. We kissed the kids goodbye not knowing what awaited us at the hospital.

The UVM medical center emergency room is out of this world. On the way we envisioned a number of burn victims from fire works (it was 7/4) but didn’t have time to inspect the clientele as we were busy getting through security. Thankfully a staff member realized my wife was in labor so she could skip the metal detector…I was less lucky. We were quickly screened and brought to Labor and Delivery where we had a beautiful view of the lake but more importantly confirmed Peg was in labor. We weighed our options with the Drs who thought we could safely drive ourselves to Boston but our receiving hospital (MGH) couldn’t recommend we attempt it. She received the antibiotics to delay labor, the steroids to expedite lung development, and we received a list of hospitals between Burlington and Boston in the event labor progressed and we needed to make an emergency stop. All I could think about was delivering our baby somewhere along 89 in VT or NH which would have been a disaster. Back to the in-laws house to say good bye to everyone (including the older boys) and off we sped back to Boston.

The drive was mostly smooth sailing with the exception of a batch of white out rain near Barre, VT. We couldn’t see the car in front of us for a stretch and I was white knuckled enough driving with a wife in labor. There was no sweeter feeling as checking off each hospital on our list as we got closer to Boston. Our biggest concern was road closures in the city given it was the Fourth of July and the fireworks were 3 hours away. Google delivered us and I dropped Peg off at the front door before parking the car and racing up to Labor and Delivery on the 14th floor.

Turns out this happens often and women end up in an antepartum unit where they’re closely monitored and not able to leave the hospital. Peg’s water broke just before 32 weeks and the goal was to keep her pregnant until 34 weeks. The thinking is, at that gestational age the risks of an infection outweigh the growth benefits of any more time in the womb. So I packed her clothes, bought her a book of NY Times crossword puzzles, and picked up some favorite foods from TJs to last what we hoped would be two weeks.

The best part (for me) was the roommates! Each had their own stories to unpack from the single mom with a boyfriend who got told not to come to the birth, to the mother who claimed to know enough about medicine that she didn’t need to be there, or to the mother of twins who was in and out before visiting hours even came. A tv show, movie, or documentary could be compelling as people try to live with what little privacy a curtain provides. We would cuddle in the hospital bed and try our best to pretend we were the only ones in the room but there were constant reminders of the roommates. We did manage to watch most of Ted Lasso together which was enjoyable and helped pass the time.

Had this been our first pregnancy a two week stay at MGH would have been more “manageable.” But having two kids and a dog at home meant very few opportunities to visit Peg. Thankfully all three were still in VT for the first few days. When Grandma brought them to Brookline she stayed for a couple days. The next week was a struggle! I’ve been a stay at home parent for four years but that doesn’t prepare you for being a single parent with a dog for over a week. Luckily Morgan was scheduled for day camp that week so we had scheduled walks and some structure to the days. The hardest part was we couldn’t find a single baby sitter which meant I was unable to visit Peg during that stretch. But my mom arrived the following week and the boys went off to Maine for a few days and I was able to visit Peg again and be there for the birth.

On 7/19 we hit the 34 week mark and it was on to the induction. I got to the hospital on the early side and the day dragged on as we waited for a room. We kept getting told they were having a busy day on Labor & Delivery and that we were next on the list for an open room. We finally got the call around 5 and were moved to coincidentally the same room our first son was born in. The view of Cambridge and the Charles is remarkable from that side of the building. We were sure to snap a pic of the sunset that evening and settled in for what looked likely to be a long night.

They had used Pitocin for our first two pregnancies and this one would be no different. Pitocin starts and progresses contractions to speed up labor. It was necessary for our first baby as he was 36 weeks when Peg’s water broke and they wanted him out quickly. My wife experienced pre-eclampsia with the second pregnancy so Pitocin was once again necessary. It wasn’t my wife’s plan for this little guy as labor can progress quicker than is comfortable and the side effects post labor can be disorienting while you’re trying to bond with your new baby. It was unfortunately necessary this time too given she was 34 weeks. She looked at me when they connected the IV and said, “I’m in control.” Our mantra for the evening was born and every time she was having a bad contraction or things were feeling difficult we would say together “I am in control.” It seemed to help and like a champ Peg used Nitrous Oxide as her only pain management for the third time. She was in control. The other major difference was a desire to be able to stand which she didn’t get for her second delivery. The flexibility exercises and standing really helped to the point she was dilating and the nurse said, “I don’t want you giving birth to this baby on the floor,” and she was as quick as she could moved back into the bed.

The nurse’s “friends” appeared from nowhere which was good because around 6am the whole thing came to a head. She was fully dilated, ready to push, and he was out and with us in no time. According to the doctor, Morrison practically flew into their arms weighing a monstrous 5lbs and 1oz which we all agreed wasn’t that small for a 34 week old baby. I chose not to cut the cord as I was crying from the pure joy of our ordeal finally being over.

The preemie team and Pediatrician descended upon him to inspect and assess what he needed for care. The Pedi assured me he looked very healthy for his age and even pointed out his testicles had descended which was unusual for that age. They conferred and finally told me he’d be brought to Special Care which is the step down from the NICU but still the appropriate level of care for him given his age. The following hour would be one of the most tumultuous of my life as his health appeared to steadily decline and my wife was wheeled away for an operation.

My wife had a history of a sticky placenta and this one was no different. Removing it requires anesthesia, which Peg hadn’t needed while delivering Morrison but was unavoidable now. I remembered this feeling of fear as I said goodbye to Peg but this time I didn’t want to stay in the delivery room as our son was being wheeled down to Special Care. I followed the bassinet and found it amusing they wheeled the kid whose initials are MM to the O side of the room. Hospitals can’t charge as much for Special Care as they can the NICU which means the former tends to have cozier conditions. This room had 4 babies at varying stages from bassinet only to full on isolette which we would eventually come to accept as our son’s temporary home. Everything seemed normal when we got there and I was feeling optimistic that maybe a few days would be enough for Morrison. I went to check on Peg’s status but the nurse was with her in surgery. I debated waiting but opted to return to our baby. When I got there they had made the decision to deliver low flow oxygen through a tube in his nose. He was not a fan of the tube just like his grandfather and they were constantly replacing and taping it. I returned to Peg’s room but she was still not back from surgery and it was getting to be the point where it seemed like someone would have found me by now had something gone wrong. Within 10 minutes they were rolling her back into the room and a massive sense of relief overcame me to see her again. We caught up on Morrison’s status and I went back down to check on him. This time the NP was delivering CPAP as his lungs weren’t expanding enough to deliver oxygen and I nearly hit the floor at the sight. They suggested I take a seat which I did to try and comprehend what was happening to our baby. I returned to get Peg and bring her down to Morrison, hoping this time there wouldn’t be something new for the nurses to explain. Once she was settled we made the decision that I would drive with Gammie to Maine to pickup the older two boys from Grandma. We decided Gammie should drive since I had not slept as Peg had just be in labor overnight. We got back to Brookline and settled the boys in for the night so I could spend it in the hospital with Peg and Morrison. She was discharged the next day she was finally able to go home to our family except one.

Leaving the hospital without your newborn child has got to be one of the worst feelings of our lives. Having brought two home already there was this sense of abandonment or loss as we got in the car and consoled each other. Getting home was easy, being home must have felt strange for Peg after so much time away. We made a plan to go visit Morrison after the older kids were in bed and packed some things for the car ride. As we got in the car I noticed a missed call from a 617 number and immediately called it back. The caller ID said MGH and we would spend the next few minutes frantically getting different nurses until we finally got some answers. Morrison needed surgery and we needed to get there ASAP if we wanted to see him before he went to the OR.

The drive to MGH would be straight forward for a Saturday night had we not been frantic with fear, guilt, and all the emotions of a parent having just received the call. I dropped Peg off at the door and called grand mothers to let them know what limited info we had at the moment. His nurse had discovered his belly was hard and distended. He likely had a perforation of his intestines and they needed to operate to discover and repair the hole. We were informed that the chief of pediatric surgery was being called in to perform the operation. It should only be a few hours. The anesthesiologist had an accent and it wasn’t long before he noticed my rugby shirt which of course became the topic of conversation. I would have preferred to focus on our son but so it goes. Off he went and we were escorted to what would become his room in the NICU. There Peg could get some sleep and I sat up waiting for news on our son.

The wait was grueling. The Drs had made his operation sound routine but for us it was a life or death situation for our two day old. I remember my brain thinking how was this my fault and why did we think we should have another kid. That said I was reassured he was in the best place for a baby with these conditions and that he was in “good hands.” Around 2am the anesthesiologist was the first to appear with the good news that everything was ok. I woke Peg and he was shortly after wheeled in with what felt like 40 Drs and nurses. The chief found us among the chaos to let us know the operation was successful, the hole was significantly bigger than they had anticipated, and they had removed a section of his intestines to make the repair more secure. They didn’t think it would have a long term impact on his health and there would just be some regular followup to ensure everything is healing. Relief! Once things had calmed down I said goodbye to Peg so someone could be home when the older kids woke up to let them know what had happened while they slept.

The next week in the NICU was a blur. He wouldn’t be allowed to eat for a few days to a week. The intubation tube could come out within a day but he would still need oxygen. We could hold him from time to time and had 24/7 access but it still felt like the nurses were raising our baby. Which was for the best. We came up with a visiting schedule that coincided with Peg’s pumping schedule and the kid’s schedules. My mother left that following Wednesday and Peg’s mother arrived seamlessly that afternoon. That was around the time we started to feed him very small amounts of milk which seemed like a huge milestone for us. The NICU proved to be a rather uneventful experience and we even got a few family visits in.

At the end of that week we had a family meeting where it was clear that Morrison was progressing and could move back to Special Care. One step closer to home! We left as they were just waiting on a bed. That night he was moved to bed M :) While we were excited for the move it meant we would have less accommodations. We still had 24/7 access but what we wanted was for him to come home. Visiting the hospital was beginning to wear on us, more so for Peg, as the weeks were beginning to turn into a month. He would need to be out of the isolette, regulate his body temperature, and able to drink 90% of his milk from a bottle. Anything not finished from a bottle would be fed through a tube in his nose. The next few days would be critical to getting him home based on advice we had received.

A friend who had a 28 week baby a few years ago was advising us through the process from the 4th. His biggest piece of advice was being there and managing the feedings. If we didn’t take the initiative to ensure he drank his entire bottle in the allotted 30 minutes. We (I) took this advice to heart and felt like I needed to do whatever it took to get our son home. Any feeding that only went 20-30% in his mouth felt like a loss as I watched the rest go through a tube. One feeding was not going well as he started to fall asleep with the bottle in his mouth. I did my best to stir him and get him to take the bottle until a nurse noticed and thought he was rejecting and I was forcing the bottle on him. Her reaction to the situation felt blown out of proportion as she started to throw words around like “aversion” and I handed him over to tube feed. I didn’t realize the extent to which I had triggered the nurse until a social worker came in to scold me about our son developing an aversion. They really tried to reinforce that he would develop at his own pace and a switch would flip. I wasn’t impressed and we started to feel like maybe he would be better at another hospital and called our Pediatrician for her advice. She reassured us he was in good hands and broke the news that there would be no transfer. We took a day off from visiting and regrouped to trust and be patient with the process.

The next few days he showed steady progress and we were beginning to feel optimistic! He was getting to 80% and soon the feeding tube would come out to test if he could reach 100%. He passed the test and before we knew it we received the call that he was ready to come home. We dropped Morgan off at robot camp, Malcolm with some close friends, and we were on our way to pickup Morrison who was finally getting discharged…37 days later.

[chibabymumma]

The birth of Little lion

Strangely the pregnancy was amazing, no sickness, just some heartburn. I have mast cell disorder and finally I was able to eat all the things I couldn't eat, strawberries being a particularly wonderful favourite. It was like eating for the first time, for the longest time I didn't enjoy food, it was worse than beige but at least I could tolerate it. Being pregnant with little lion was like my taste buds finally came to life and everything was amazing even basic things I ate, fish fingers wrapped in lettuce, was completely sublime. I did have excess water and Little lion was growing big quickly. I had to have growth scans every 2 weeks, I kept being insulted by the Drs though... Well your the oldest mum on my books , like being 45 was a disaster! I felt a disaster.. but I sailed through it, unbelievably I was still shocked I was pregnant half the time looking at his scan photos thinking is this real? It can't be real? I remember the first scan as I had some viciously painful heart aching miscarriages before little lion, I was allowed a scan early. Those days COVID ruled the NHS and only I could attend in some ways I was happy about that, I didn't want to have a mental breakdown waiting. Those minutes waiting seemed forever I kept thinking to myself what if I'm not? The longest I had been pregnant in the past 2 years was 9 weeks 4 days. I remember my legs being so wobbly while I walked to the scan room, not knowing what to expect, but then there he was this tiny tiny little dot on the screen with his heart beating. I remember howling in relief and pain of all those wee ones I had lost. So much so that the midwife had to stop the scan as the tears and sobs were making my body shake. I walked out triumphant to my beloved who was pale faced and waiting for me outside the building. Waving the scan. One of the kind midwives walked me out to him, as I was so emotional, "show him" she said cheerfully while holding me steady, that's when it hit both of us, little lion is coming.

I was 35 weeks when Little lion started to get so sleepy. I was worried he had always been super active, trying to reassure me he was there, while I played music to him while I was in the bath. This night I remember peeing about a million times thinking I must have a UTI it's to early, suddenly in the middle of the night the pain started. I woke my beloved and him being him, said count the contractions and get me up when they are close together. I went downstairs and raised my other son who still lived at home, let's call him Joe, Joe ashen faced started panicking, "it's to early mum" this coming from my son who had said only a few days before

"bloody hell mum your the size of 3 double decker buses!"

We waited only a short while and the contractions quickend, to every 4 minutes. " I think you better phone an ambulance" Joe phoned and this is where he completely dissolved, I could hear the ambulance lady kindly telling Joe to calm down and asked where I was, "she's on the bed" "can you see a head" she asked , "I'm not looking there that's my mum!!" "Can you find a shoe lace?" Cue running around like a headless chicken, it was honestly like a comedy sketch! My beloved was finally awake and blinking frantically at the crazy scene in front of him, Joe frantically trying to get a shoe lace form his trainers, towels and talking to the 999 lady, me barely holding it together, as they were hitting hard these waves of pain. Finally they arrived, I was so thankful I just wanted the gas and air!! I held the crews arm so tight when the wave hit harder this time, finally in the ambulance. Racing to the hospital as we lived at the time over 45 minutes away, it seemed to pass in a blur, I kept being told I was doing well and the waves were every 4 minutes but I don't really remember all I kept thinking 4 minutes, it's like every second. There were roadworks.. the crew started getting frantic as I felt odd maybe it was the gas and air, who knows but the driver rushed out and asked to be let through. I heard him, prem baby coming, they moved the signs and we were back on our way, finally we got to the hospital. By this point I had barely spoken I rarely do when I'm in pain. They raced me to the labour ward the midwives were annoyed I had come by ambulance! The crew started telling them I'm prem, baby could come any minute. They didn't believe me. I got on the bed protesting as I wanted to stand up, they put the fetal monitor on and Little lion was so sleepy. I kept saying I think I'm going to have to push, "no no" they said it's to early. As I'm some sort of drama Queen making this up, 15 minutes after being in the hospital the gynaecologist had arrived, and gave me an internal I had never felt pain like it! They always have such huge hands, "she's 9cms dilated, I will break the waters" I felt the water flood, little lions head hitting my cervix hard, as his head engaged and within 8 minutes on a wave of water and pain he gushed out, barely any pushing he flew right out. The midwives and beloved all staring at him laying in-between my legs, me asking what happened? They took some time we all were in shock me the most, they asked beloved to cut his cord he couldn't he was shaking so much. They handed me little lion he wasn't breathing I remember screaming

"he's not breathing he's not breathing!"

She grabbed him from my arms and resuscitated him.

That's all I remember, my body and soul had detached and I wasn't in my self

This next part is from beloved

They gave little lion milk he died again in his father's arms, and resuscitated again, at the time we had no idea milk protein was so dangerous to him and could kill him. A short while later he died again in my arms, and again was resuscitated. He was rushed away and taken straight to the NICU while I had to wait and clean myself up. His blood sugars was 0.5 at this point in time we had no idea what was happening. I barely got to hold him, finally they let me see him, he was covered in wires we were told he had blood sugar issues and a slight heart murmur! Well the heart murmur turned out to be critical aortic stenosis, and the blood sugars were Congenital hyperinsulinemia. That was a tough night I just could not believe my beloved Deities would do this to me. By 5 am the main Peads Dr told us he wasn't comfortable and Little lion would be blue lighted to a huge hospital 3 hours away, well thank the Goddess they did, marconium had been found in his waters even though they dismissed me, like a naughty child. The crew came and saved him, he was put in a medically induced coma as they had to paralyze him to intubate little lion safely. The tubes and wires covered his tiny body as they wheeled him out to the ambulance I ran after them frantically saying goodbye. Until I was stopped by another midwife asking me to come back to the ward the Dr needs to see me. My fundus was to High. Little lion was blue lighting as I was signing myself out of hospital against advice to chase after my baby,that thanks to COVID was the last post partum care I had! we were bundled into a taxi and raced after him, of course him being prem his bag was just about ready mine wasn't I got to the huge city hospital 3 hours away with a car seat and the clothes we stood up. Finally we reached the ward. Vast swathes of doctors stood round him, we were shoved into a room for 8 hours while they tried to stabilise him. When we finally walked in, my legs gave way I will never forget the scene, his little body more wires so many banks of antibiotics, meds, how ? Just how did this happen?

We were sent to a cheap hotel by the hospital, we hadn't slept since he was born nearly 48 hours. That night as we tried to sleep. They fought hard for his life. There was marconium in the waters. Little lion died in the ambulance where they had to recusictate him once more and give him life saving antibiotics. We came back to the hospital after a tiny amount of sleep it was maybe 6 hours. He was finally stable, but not out of the woods, we found out little lion had :

Sepis

Collapsed lungs

Premature lung disease

Critical aortic stenosis

Blood sugar issues (we found out much later about the hyperinsulinemia and milk issues)

Rare jaundice

Enlarged liver

I just kept praying and praying and praying

That's as much as I can deal with right now. I don't think I truly recovered.

[pigeonflavouredcake]

I'm an adult now take my advice

(or don't i'm not your dad)

Idk how old my followers are overall but i want to make this post in case any of you are actually teens... I am Officially 20 now. I am no longer a teenager so here are some things I learned as a poor teenager that helped me as a poor adult. Some are witchy, some are just about life, most are food related. Buckle up this will get pretty long.

Write as much down as you can bc puberty can really fuck with your memory.

Staying up late because you simply can't sleep is not something to be worried about unless you want to change that. It's pretty much all your natural body clock.

Get a big folder. Like a massive accordion folder and put all your personal documents in, birth/adoption certificates, bank statements, prescription receipts, diplomas, etc. So if you're ever in a dangerous situation at home you can make your escape a lot easier.

Now is a good time to learn new things that aren't school related. Practice cooking your favourite meals, learn how to properly clean a bathroom, if cleaning is overwhelming there are methods online that can help with that. Like playing a spot the difference game.

NO, tarot is not a closed practice, tarot is a tool for everyone and NO, tarot decks do not have to be gifted to you, you can buy one for yourself. I don't even know where that came from but it's complete bs.

Save the little gift baggies you get when you buy jewellery and use them as spell bags.

Stay away from any woman who calls her vag a yoni. it's weird.

You may want to be seen as smart and mature because it's better than being treated like a kid but you are still a kid. Your safety matters more than how mature and responsible you are. An older person should NOT be talking to you in a romantic/flirtatious setting and if they say it's because you're mature for your age or they can't wait until you're legal fucking bully the living shit out of them then block them and warn your friends. that attitude is creepy as hell bc they want someone they have power over. Same with any friends that brag about their partner being 15/16/17 when they're 18. BULLY THEM THEY'RE GROSS AND THEY DESERVE IT.

If you're in a country with the NHS USE IT NOW WHILE IT'S FREE. The first 6-8 weeks of therapy is free from the NHS. Eye tests and dentist check ups and medication are free untill you're 19 GET THEM NOW.

You can make your own oat milk by blending up oats and water. You don't need to cook with oil, there's enough of it in processed food and fresh veg have enough water in them to cook straight in a pan. You don't need the seasoning packet in ramen you can make your own. Tamari sauce has less sodium than soy sauce. Food always tastes better when it's in season. Try to find space for two food wastes, one for processed/cooked food one for raw. The raw food can be composted and given back to the earth

Best healthiest dinner option I can think of is steamed veggies. Here's my recipe: Heat up a pan on high, pour a bit of water in and then your veggies, stir frequently until all the water is gone. Turn heat down to low. Coat with something like balsamic vinegar and add any seasoning you like. Cover and steam for 10 minutes ish and you're good. You can serve that with a grain or some noodles.

Locally sourced meat and fish is WAY better for the environment than supermarket because there's less preservatives and they're more resourceful with their products.

A standard pie dough is one of the easiest things you can make and the trick is in the amount. Half the flour equals the fat, half the fat equals the sugar. so if you have 200g of flour you need 100g of fat and 50g of sugar. Just throw them in a bowl and mix together and add some cold water to bind together into a dough. It should be solid and little sticky, if it's crumbling add more water, if it's not holding it's shape add more flour. then just fridge it for a few hours to set and you're good.

You made your own soup/stew/pot thingy and you got left overs for the next day? Put it back on the cooker and bring to the boil on high, once it's bubbling take the heat down to low and simmer for 10 minutes (keep stirring if it keeps bubbling). This will help kill any bacteria that developed overnight that might make you sick.

Foraging is good but wear gloves, don't take all from one place and don't eat anything you pick until it's been thoroughly washed. Don't be afraid to go hog wild on things like blackberries, dandelions, or nettles. those things are an invasive species.

Deer are bigger than you think they are.

Air drying takes longer but it will help your clothes last. You can also hand wash with a bowl of hot water and about a teaspoon of washing up powder. Air drying also goes for your hair too.

Stock up on your favourite scented candles any size is ok and use them for spells and rituals.

You got a ghost in your house? Leave them be they're usually just passing through.

If you can't focus on work without music but it needs to be specifically wordless and needs to be easy to fill your brain so you don't focus on every noise other people make listen to animal crossing music that shit got me through two years worth of academic reading.

Bus is late or can't find your keys? Stop looking and start complaining. They'll turn up as soon as you give up.

Piercings are a medical procedure and are safer when they're done with a needle because they're hollow, so they're carving out the skin and cartilage instead of just pushing jewellery through like a gun does. Go to a tattoo parlour that also does piercings bc they're likely to be a lot stricter with rules and customer care.

Life is gonna kick us all in the but so we gotta be there to help eachother out however we can. It definitely feels like it's everyone for themselves but it doesn't have to be.

[birthcottage]

Maternity Care NH

At Birth Cottage, our certified nurse-midwives provide personalized and holistic maternity care in NH. We place a strong emphasis on safety and empowerment throughout your birth experience, offering comprehensive prenatal and postpartum support. Rely on our dedicated team to guide you on a positive and individualized journey from pregnancy to childbirth, ensuring your well-being at every stage.

[plan-d-to-i]

(google translate again, yeah)

(I forgot to thank you for the last answer, I really didn't know that the drama used the music of my compatriot, it was a pleasant surprise for me)

I don't know if anyone has asked you this before, but do you think JC was good with WWX as a kid?

I mean not just their childhood, but the time of their training in Gusu.

I really love JC, and I understand perfectly well that he is the most dick in character, but I love him precisely during my studies at Gusu, I can not give any arguments that then JC was directly GOOD to WWX, but he is clearly cared a little about him and even ... worried? at least that moment after the punishment where JC helped WWX get to the room...

Yay - I'm so happy to hear about Stravinsky :)

Hahah loving jc as the dick that he is is the way to do it! go for it. :) also, sorry this was so delayed I wanted to reread the Cloud Recesses arc so it would be fresh in my mind before answering.

In terms of jc the Cloud Recesses arc is perhaps the most 'mellow' we see him aside from the Lotus Pod Extra but for me it's still impossible to find him a worthwhile person. I can already see the faults in his character that I know will only get worse as he grows older. Canonically I don't see how he would have any friends studying in the Cloud Recesses if he didn't come as a package deal w Wei Wuxian. I mean I doubt jiang cheng would have any friends without WWX period. In fact jiang cheng doesn't make any friends over the course of 13 years. He's also unable to find a wife bc of his temperament and behavior...

What we can glean about their relationship in the Cloud Recesses arc (and even the Lotus Pod Extra) is that any time WWX gets a kind word or understanding from someone, jiang cheng scoffs at it. Any time someone shits on WWX, jc is there to agree, to relish the idea of WWX being punished, and shit on him some more. He would be an immensely exhausting person to be around. He doesnt believe in WWX's ideas and ingenuity, (as NHS does for example), he doesn't believe WWX is hurt, he always assumes the worst of him, he doesn't believe LWJ might like WWX. The only thing he ever seems to believe is that WWX will dishonor YunmengJiang and that WWX should be punished. So for a kid who supposedly wants his father's approval so badly he instead constantly acts like his mother's mouthpiece/minion. He reprimands WWX like he's trying to become Madam Yu 2.0. I see jc stans all the time being like oh he had to keep WWX in check bc WWX was such a lOOooose canon, for the good of the Clan!! lol listen JFM didn't give a f...about WWX's behavior (in his letter to LQR) why are you so concerned? JFM would have preferred for jc to try & save his peers in the Xuanwu cave or at least to understand why that was the correct course of action rather than for him to just sit in front of the class in the Cloud Recesses and tell WWX off for giving LQR as good as he got, while actually still breaking the rules himself but eschewing punishment.

salt up here, quotes below :

Even when Nie Huaisang picks up on the fact that WWX is being treated unfairly by LQR, jc dismisses it and piles on WWX instead.

Nie Huaisang said, “Old Man Lan really seems like he’s coming down especially harshly on you. Every time he reprimands someone, it’s always you.” Jiang Cheng grunted. “He deserves it. What kind of answer was that? He can get away with saying that sort of nonsense at home, but he had the nerve to say it to Lan Qiren’s face. He was practically asking for the old man to kill him!”

But does WWX get away with ANYTHING in Lotus Pier? When we know he is punished constantly for EVERYTHING? This is jiang cheng fully being his mother's mouth piece. It's not something WWX would get away with, it's something jc knows JFM wouldn't mind. Which is why he's so pissed off. Which begs the question if JFM would not be upset with WWX's behavior why does jc need to criticize him? Again :

A dark expression shadowed Jiang Cheng’s face, and his voice was filled with anger. “Why are you so proud of yourself? What is there to be proud of?! Is being told to get out some amazing accomplishment? You’re making our entire clan lose face!”

and his glee at the idea that WWX will be punished leaves a bad taste in one's mouth considering how WWX was perpetually punished in Lotus Pier by jiang cheng's mother for... existing.

Jiang Cheng smiled grimly. “Now that you’ve thoroughly offended both Lan Wangji and Lan Qiren, you’re basically dead tomorrow. No one’s going to clean up your corpse either.”

and again

Without the old one, only the young one remained. This would be easy to deal with! Wei Wuxian rolled off the bed and laughed while putting on his boots. “Heaven’s charmed clouds are blessing me with shade.” Jiang Cheng was beside him polishing his sword with loving care when he decided to spill cold water over Wei Wuxian’s head. “Just wait until he gets back. You can’t escape punishment.”

Where others like NHS see value in WWX's thoughts

Nie Huaisang thought for a while. “Actually, I thought what you said was very interesting,” he said, not entirely able to hide his envy and yearning.

jc is always dismissive of WWX's ideas. These are inventions that WWX realizes. Demonic cultivation in the first conversation and The Spirit-Attraction Flag and The Compass of Evil in the second:

“Enough,” Jiang Cheng warned. “Whatever nonsense you spout, you better not head down that sort of dark road.”

-

Changing the topic, Wei Wuxian said, “If only there was something like fishing bait that could draw the water ghosts in. Or, something that could point in the direction they’re hiding, like a compass, that sort of thing.”

“Lower your head and watch the water,” Jiang Cheng said. “You’re letting your fantasies run wild again. Concentrate on looking for water ghosts like you’re supposed to.”

“Hey, mounting swords and flying was also only a fantasy once!” Wei Wuxian said.

He's also a hypocrite. Because even though he berates WWX for misbehaving, he himself breaks the rules. He drinks, he even goads WWX into buying liquor, the only difference is that he doesn't get punished for it, and he doesn't feel like coming forward and getting punished for it :

Naturally, Jiang Cheng was too embarrassed to talk about what Wei Wuxian had been up to. After all, all of them had egged him on to go and buy alcohol, and they all deserved to be punished as well. He could only speak vaguely. “It’s nothing. It’s nothing. It’s not that bad! He can walk. Wei Wuxian, why haven’t you gotten off yet?”

It's no wonder WWX is so impressed by LWJ's integrity in spite of his social status, when he's clearly used to the other dynamic :

“Lan Zhan, I really admire you,” Wei Wuxian said sincerely. “After I told you that you had to punish yourself too, you actually did it. You didn’t let yourself off at all. I can’t argue against that.”

A dynamic which is shown repeating in the Lotus Pod Extra where WWX is the only one to get punished for sunbathing, and which repeats here when Wei Wuxian here stops jiang cheng from confronting Zixuan over YanLi's honor (and jc's) and does it himself.

Zixuan :“Why don’t you ask what about her could make me satisfied?” he said in return.

Suddenly, Jiang Cheng rose. Wei Wuxian pushed him away and stepped between them, smiling coldly. “You think you’re very satisfactory? As though you have the right to be so picky!”

Zixuan: “If she’s unhappy, then let her break off the engagement! I certainly don’t cherish your wonderful disciple-sister. If you cherish her so much, why don’t you take it up with your father? Doesn’t he love you more than his own son?”

After hearing the last sentence, Jiang Cheng’s eyes narrowed, and Wei Wuxian was no longer able to contain his own fury. He flew at Jin Zixuan, his fist raised.

WWX takes the punishment alone. Same way he offers to do when he hurts himself falling from a tree because jc threatened him with dogs. meanwhile jc is gleeful to see him being punished.

[Wei Wuxian] was kneeling on the stretch of pebble road to which Lan Qiren had assigned him when Jiang Cheng walked over from afar and mocked him. “You’re kneeling so obediently.”

“It’s not like you don’t know I have to do this all the time.” Wei Wuxian’s voice filled with schadenfreude. “But this Jin Zixuan guy, there’s no way he hasn’t been pampered and spoiled rotten since birth. No one’s ever forced him to kneel, I’m sure of it. If he doesn’t wind up crying for mommy and daddy today, I’m not named Wei.”....

Wei Wuxian "...It’s a good thing you didn’t do anything.”

“I was going to. If you hadn’t pushed me away, the other side of Jin Zixuan’s face would be hideous too.”

“Stop it. His face is uglier for being lopsided."

WWX is happy to have spared jc from getting into trouble but jc makes the whole thing about himself anyway (like everything else ever) and is upset JFM would rush over for WWX - in his mind. Even though JFM clearly had to rush over to meet with Jin Guangshan not to coddle WWX in any way.

"Jiang Fengmian had never rushed to another clan in less than a day because of him. Regardless of whether what happened was big or small, or good or bad." Never

WWX on the other hand tries to be observant of jc's feelings and reassure him & distract him from his moods :

When Wei Wuxian saw Jiang Cheng’s melancholy expression, he thought he was still upset with what Jin Zixuan said. “You should leave. You don’t need to keep me company any longer. If Lan Wangji comes again, he’ll catch you. If you have time, you should find Jin Zixuan and watch his pitiful kneeling.”

Later in the book after nearly dying in the Xuanwu cave WWX leaves his sick bed to run after jc and comfort him after his mother's rant, even though WWX had to listen to his parents (and himself) being slandered by YZY. jc doesn't spare any thoughts for how other people might be feeling or suffering. His entire perception of the world is centered around himself. To him even WWX's greatest fear doesn't generate empathy, only amusement or later on a form of torture.

From that point onward, they made trouble everywhere together, and if they encountered a dog, Jiang Cheng would always chase it away for him, then enjoy a peal of derisive, unbridled laughter at Wei Wuxian’s expense beneath whichever tree the boy had leapt atop.

he grew up on the streets, often having to fight for food with vicious dogs. After several bites and chases, he gradually became extremely scared of all dogs, no matter the size. Jiang Cheng laughed at him because of this quite a lot of times.

This brings me to the last point. jc's resentment of WWX's interest in Lan Zhan, or in a serious friendship outside of him. I see so many ppl say that bc WWX fought he was kicked out of the Cloud Recesses early... but was he?

Jiang Cheng was somewhat taken aback. “Lan Wangji? What was he doing here? He still has the nerve to come see you again?”

“Yeah, I think his bravery is laudable if he still has the nerve to come see me. His uncle probably told him to check on me and see if I was kneeling properly.”

Jiang Cheng’s instincts were sending him ominous signals. “So were you kneeling properly?”

“I was then,” Wei Wuxian replied. “But I waited for him to walk away a bit, then took a tree branch, lowered my head, and dug out a hole in the dirt near me. It’s the pile right by your foot—there are ant tunnels there. It took me so much effort to find them. Anyway, I waited for him to turn back and see my shoulders shaking. He had to have thought I was crying, so he came back and asked. You should have seen his face when he caught sight of the ant tunnels!

“…” Jiang Cheng said, “Why don’t you just get the hell out and go back to Yunmeng? I bet he never wants to see you again.”

Thus, that evening, Wei Wuxian packed up his things, got the hell out, and went back to Yunmeng with Jiang Fengmian.

Repeatedly throught his stay in the Cloud Recesses even while NHS was observing that LWJ's behavior around WWX was strange and unique, jc was telling WWX he is hated and bothersome. When WWX wanted to apologize to LWJ jc is completely dismissive of it :

“He hates me already? I was thinking of apologizing to him,” Wei Wuxian said.

“Oh, so you want to apologize now? It’s too late!” Jiang Cheng said derisively. “He’s exactly like his uncle. He thinks you’ve been wicked ever since you were an embryo, so it’s beneath his dignity to pay you any attention.”

Later on when WWX mentioned wanting to invite LWJ to Lotus Pier jc categorically says no.

“Jiang Cheng had on a stern expression, “Let’s make this clear. I don’t want him to come, anyhow. Don’t invite him.”

BONUS

jc also always doubts WWX. He suspects him immediately of wrongdoings. He doesn't believe that getting hit with the discipline ruler in Cloud Recesses actually hurt him until LXC confirms that WWX might take more than a few days to heal. He doesn't understand WWX is in actual trouble from the Waterborne abyss and assumes he's fooling around luckily Lan Zhan is there to rescue him:

The disciple’s lower body had already been swallowed by the black whirlpool. It spun faster and faster, and he continued to sink deeper and deeper, as though something hidden beneath the water was pulling down on his legs.

Mounted on Sandu, Jiang Cheng had risen calmly until he was about sixty meters above the whirlpool before he looked down. Filled with displeasure at what he saw, he shouted and dove down. “What are you up to now?!”

The suction force inside Lake Biling grew ever stronger. Wei Wuxian’s sword was optimized for agility, and consequently, its strength happened to fall just short, and they were nearly pulled to the surface of the lake. Wei Wuxian steadied himself and held on to Su She with both hands.

“Someone help! If I can’t pull him up soon, I’ll have to let go!” he shouted.

Suddenly, the back of Wei Wuxian’s collar tightened, and his body was lifted into the air. He twisted his neck and saw Lan Wangji holding him up with one hand.

He maintains this same mindset when he tries to whip LWJ and WWX as they're attempting to leave Lotus Pier after the ancestral hall confrontation when WWX passes out.

Is jc evil in the Cloud Recesses ? No. He's just an annoying, basic, disagreeable asshole who doesn't bring anything positive to someone like WWX. People like jc become obsessed with kind, outgoing, generous people, people who don't set boundaries on what they give and what others take in their friendships. Even though they're dependent on them for their social interactions, because who else would socialize with them willingly, they resent them in equal measure, but at the same time they wouldn't be drawn to another selfish, self centered piece of shit person like themselves.

On a personal note, even Cloud Recesses jiang cheng is someone I would exclude from any personal friend group. Friendship with him is adding a minefield of jealousies and snide comments to every interaction. Things that then others will need to compensate around because he won't compromise or empathize w issues outside of his own concerns.

Translation source : x

[angstymdzsthoughts]

angsty courtesan au where the wen wins and all of the sects became subordinates of the wens. wx and wc die, but it didn't rlly matter bc wrh's cultivation can keep him young for hundreds more years. wwx got captured after the war for murdering wc and became a slave for the wens, bound with a suppression array tattooed into the small of his back keyed to his own life force, rendering him unable to use demonic cultivation for as long as he lived. he tried to run away many times, but they always catch up to him.

the officer tasked to supervise him had enough and sold him to a brothel in yiling. wwx was a beautiful man, so even if scarred, he quickly became popular. he received treatments to make him more beautiful of course, adding to his debt. the people in the brothel were agreeable. not really warm, but friendly enough, discounting the strict brothel madam. they weren't phased when they noticed the all too familiar symptoms of pregnancy on him. by the age of the pregnancy, the baby had to belong to one of the wens.

wwx couldn't possibly ask the jiangs for help, not when they were struggling to survive themselves. he can't ask nhs either, not when he's dealing with his brother's death and trying to keep his sect from getting completely razed to the ground. to reach out to lwj.. was absolutely impossible. lz didn't like him and his uncle didn't like wwx either. especially now with how low he had sunken, there was no way wwx can keep face in front of his former friend.

oddly enough, he still got some customers during his pregnancy. as much as he hated his condition, wwx couldn't bring himself to hate his baby. he soon gave birth to a son he named wei yuan. his only hope in the hell he was living in. wei yuan was the sweetest child, and the other courtesans loved him. he became an errand boy, always helping his mother get ready for a booking and treating his bruises afterwards.

.

lwj met wwx on an unlucky day. a-yuan had been sent to do chores as usual, what wasn't usual was the amount of bullying he got from the town's children. getting pushed around was usual, getting his things stolen was typical, getting hit was common. no one bats an eye for a prostitute's son.

wei yuan didn't usually cry, but today had been especially bad. the punches hurt more and the insults to him and his mother stung deeper. he ran and hid under the hem of the nearest person kind enough to shield him.

lwj didn't expect the first thing that happened as soon as he arrived in yiling to be a child who couldn't be more than 3 or 4 years old crying and hiding behind his robes.

"mister, you don't need to protect that son of a whore, we'll take care of him for you!" they yelled. lwj frowned at the cruelty. he put a hand on the hilt of his sword, driving the bullies away and turned to the child.

"it's okay, they are gone," he took the child's hands into his. the little boy was a pitiful thing, his clothes dirty with soil and there were blotches on his face turning blue. "thank you, sir," he politely squeaked in between sniffles.

"mn. what's your name?" the child bowed. for so underprivileged a child, he had excellent manners, lwj thought. "this one is called wei yuan,"

wei?

the only wei lwj had ever heard of was wwx and as far as he knew wwx didn't have any extended families.

"a-yuan!"

the child, wei yuan, turned around, "a-niang!" he ran until he bumps into a drapery of maroon robes and continues sobbing.

"a-yuan, you had me worrying sick! you should've been back an hour ago, what happened?" wei wuxian dropped to his knees and craddled his son's face in his hands. his eyes water at the sight of bruises on a-yuan's round childish cheeks.

"my poor baby," he kissed wei yuan's forehead. "i'm so sorry,"

i'm sorry that you had to be born into this situation. i'm sorry that i can't protect you. i'm sorry that you had to be born from me.

"wei ying?"

wwx's heart dropped. his son's saviour just had to be the one person he absolutely cannot meet. he pulled his still sniffling child closer to him. "la- hanguang-jun," he stopped himself just in time.

"wei ying,"

"many thanks to hanguang-jun, for finding a-yuan," wwx bowed lower than he ever had in his youth.

"wei ying,"

wwx kept mum, he just picked up wei yuan who instinctively buried his face in the crook his mother's neck. "apologies, hanguang-jun. this one doesn't even have a cup of tea to repay you with,"

"no need,"

wwx was thin. he wore his hair in a low side ponytail and his embroidered robe could only signify his place in a brothel. lwj couldn't find the fire in his eyes that he remembered from their teenage years. now he just looked sad and tired. the silence between them stretched for a while.

"this child-"

"he is mine," wwx shot the question down swiftly.

lwj just noticed the way townsfolk looked at wei ying and his son. some in disdain, some completely ignoring their presence. he frowned.

"if that's all, then please excuse-" wwx flinched when lwj grabbed his wrist, preventing him from leaving with wei yuan. five years of working as a courtesan never really rid his trauma of getting manhandled.

lwj saw it and let go. "please, i- let's talk, over a meal,"

"a meal?"

"i will treat you. please?"

wwx who was familiar with how stubborn lwj could be reluctantly nodded and came along. the restaurant waiter eyed wwx for a bit before lwj sent him away.

"so.. how have you been?" wwx opened the conversation.

"gusu lan is under wen ruohan. uncle and brother are alive," lwj replied plainly.

"good to hear that they are fine. h-how is jiang cheng, and shijie?" wwx nervously fiddled with his bowl.

"jiang wanyin still lives in lotus pier. i do not know of his condition. maiden jiang married jin zixuan three years ago. they have a son,"

so shijie did end up marrying that peacock after all. he has a nephew.

"wei ying," wwx looked up.

"we have not heard of you for many years. how did you end up here?" working like that?

he chuckled bitterly. "a lot happened, la- hanguang-jun-"

"lan zhan,"

"wha-"

"call me lan zhan, like you used to. we are friends,"

friends. can this lowly him still be friends with lan wangji?

"lan zhan," he continued. "you are aware that i was captured?"

"mn,"

lwj's apparel was nowhere near as opulent as it used to be, not with his home occupied by wrh, but his godly elegance was still the same. the thought brought a smile to wwx's face.

"they sold me here,"

a silence.

"who knew people are so costly? and physicians, oh gods, they cost an arm and a leg!" he scream-whispered. "it looks like i would be working until i die to pay it all off!"

wei yuan frowned, clutching his mother's side. "a-niang, no die, stay with a-yuan,"

wwx laughs softly, caressing a-yuan's little head. "of course, my treasure,"

the child held up a spoon full of sweet soup lwj ordered for him in front of wwx, who ate it happily. "you know what it means to be filial, don't you?"

lwj watched the mother and son in front of him, wondering if his mother too loved him that much.

"then, what is your plan?" he broke the silence.

"i don't know.. keep working, i guess. it's hard but i got to do what i got to do. i just wish a-yuan didn't have to suffer with me,"

".."

"i wish i could take him away. somewhere safe, provide three meals a day for him, i do wish for him to train cultivation. maybe if someone could take him in.."

current yunmeng jiang was extremely unstable, it could barely be called a sect anymore. there was little chance a-yuan would be taken care of properly. qinghe was too far, not to mention wwx didn't feel safe sending his son to train a dangerous cultivation method. lanling jin was probable, but with no background support, a-yuan was sure to be bullied just as bad if not worse than here. gusu lan.. no, wwx couldn't be so selfish as to ask lwj to protect his son.

but maybe?

"WEI YING!!" they heard the shrill voice of the brothel madam.

"where do you think you're going, i'll beat you senseless! you're going to miss an appointment and i will show no mercy on you!" she barged in, face red with anger.

wwx scrambled to his feet and lifted wei yuan into his arms, rushing to cut his meeting short.

"hanguang-jun, my apologies but i am needed elsewhere and have to leave. good day," he ran outside with the madam.

lwj put out a few coins for the meal on the table and caught up to them, bringing along the grass butterfly he bought for a-yuan earlier.

"madam," he called. "my apologies. i will pay for wei ying's time,"

the woman frowned. "fine,"

lwj took out half of his coin pouch and put it on her hand. then he handed the toy to wei yuan.

the madam looked at the coins in her hand and inhaled. "thank you for your patronage. now please excuse us," she bowed and pulled wei ying along.

lwj watched them go, his mind turning. he had to come again and help wei ying.

.

.

idk what happens next, be my guest lmao

[angryschnauzer]

You'll have to excuse me whilst i don't applaud the NHS, whilst i don't celebrate its birthday, whilst i don't worship it like a false idol.

Years of systemic underfunding is absolutely the route cause for 90% of the issues with the NHS, that people have willingly voted for parties that have continued to defund the people that are there from birth to death for the country, but within that there is a 10% of people that abuse their positions within their roles. It has gotten to the point where i will only seek medical assistance from the NHS if i cannot find an alternative whether it be a service i have to pay for privately, or an alternative therapy. Over the years i have faced bigotry and prejudice, and i can't even imagine what minorities face.

>To the NHS dentist that when i visited them for a pain in my jaw, levered a wisdom tooth out with a screwdriver and without anesthetic, and then when i almost passed out from the pain, gave me a shot of morphine without telling me what it was, made me pay £500 for the treatment whilst i was high as a kite, and let me drive home.

>To the doctor that when i went to see him about concerns over my inability to lose weight, refused to do any tests for hormone imbalances, and instead called me lazy to my face.

>To the Nurses on the ward when i had my miscarriage that said to me 'your baby is dead, what do you want to do?', and i was in too much emotional distress to understand that she meant 'did i want a evac proceedure' and so i simply wanted to go home and cry, but ended up passing the fetus at home without painkillers, on my own, screaming and in so much pain i ripped the fittings off of the bathroom wall.

>To the maternity nurse who when i was pregnant 13 months later asked me if it was my first pregnancy, and i said no, she told me the first one 'didn't count'. >To the A&E doctor that when i was rushed to hospital at 3 months pregnant because i found a huge lump in my breast told me if it was cancer i would have to hope it didn’t kill me before i had the baby as i would go to hell for terminating the child if chose to have an abortion so i could go through treatment. A tiny biopsy found that it was simply water build up due to being pregnant.

>To the nurse that tore my vagina when she broke my waters after being in labour for 40 hours, even when my notes said i should be having a c-section and it was ignored, only to spend another 10 hours in labour before being taken for an emergency c-section.

>To the midwives on the ward after i had my son, where i was paralysed from the shoulders down due to the amount of anesthetic i had during my operation, and let my child cry for me for 3 hours before the night cleaner finally heard my parched cries for help that i couldn't reach my child because my arms were powerless. >To the Health Visitor that told me i would raise a ‘stupid child’ because i couldn’t breastfeed.

>To the Doctor i went to see 4 months after birth because i realised i had post natal depression, for him to sit there and tell me to 'snap out of it'.

>To the Doctor that when i had a car accident and slipped a disk, told me i was imagining the pain and i slipped the disk because i was overweight.

>To the Practice Manager that when i commented on a facebook post on a closed group that bias due to being overweight was rife in the NHS, phoned me the next day to yell at me even though i hadn't named the GP practice in my comment, surely violating patient privacy laws.

>To the Doctor that refuses to entertain a conversation about having a hysterectomy because ‘i’m not 40 yet and may want another child’, even though i have PTSD from what i have already been through and categorically do not want any more children, have a giant fibroid across my womb that means i could not carry a child full term and that my womb would rupture if i carried a pregnancy beyond 4 or 5 months, have periods so heavy and painful that i can’t work for a week each month, can barely leave the house without flooding through wearing dual sanitary wear, and have cysts covering my ovaries that inhibit my hormones from being released correctly, but ‘might want another child’.

 So when i didn't clap for the carers, its because i haven't been cared for, but what i will do is campaign that the 90% in the NHS that do work unbiased, that do everything they can to help patients, to ensure they are properly funded, that they are properly staffed, and that they can have the support of me when they try to report the rogue staff members that i seem to attract.

[sachinmitra]

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[birthcottage]

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