#watch tumblr fuck the quality of these up again for the third time

[astralprisms]

Post-game naptime with D'jaxia, art by @greseadraws

[dj-of-the-coven]

Thanks for asking @vivi-mire and @goldensunset! To answer your questions, I'll preface this by saying I don't actively seek out character playlists that often, but I like making them. Unfortunately this leads me down some dismal fucking roads while looking for other people's thoughts on the subject.

Possibly to the surprise of some, offline I am known mostly for 2 things: anarchy and music. Music is my life. I have one million other hobbies, and in online spaces I mostly talk about video games, but my true essence is music--particularly rock and punk. My collection spans over several mediums. I have a 2018 Victrola record player that I've repaired by hand, a 2004 CD-radio player, a 2021 cassette-CD-radio player, and a 2007 Insignia MP3 player. Most people around my age ditched CD players by the time they were in high school (no judgement there), but I used mine this morning. I have two books in my bag on cassettes right now. I play two string instruments and have considered picking up a third! I don't say any of this to brag--it's just what I choose to do with my time and money, same as anybody else. The reason why I bring it up is to emphasize that I both know and care a lot about this particular subject. And let me tell you. What I feel when I see the same 6 artists over and over again in every character playlist is not simple haterism... it's pity with a dose of concern.

What bothers me more than the music being ill-fitting for some fictional character is the tangible evidence that most people do not have the means to discover new artists; also, to some degree, the foreboding conclusion that we are losing a diversity of taste. There used to be magazines and independent radio shows, local performances, older kids in the neighborhood you could talk to to find new bands, but the rise of streaming as the primary distribution method has severely limited the ways through which interested parties can discover music. Ask someone you know how they discovered their favorite artists--for real!! Most of the time, they'll answer, TikTok, Youtube, or Spotify. Algorithms. Mathematical processes designed to funnel people into profitable avenues of advertising. These are the things determining the music taste of today's listeners, and it's powerful fucking stuff, to the point that even radio stations have been affected by the algorithms of these unrelated websites. When I was living in Los Angeles, I had to watch the station 106.7 KROQ slowly go from playing 90s grunge and nu metal to running the Arcane theme song by Imagine Dragons 27 times daily, because it was being played to market the show. Everything is morphing into profit sludge! An equation on somebody's computer somewhere determined that this specific pool of artists would be able to turn a bunch of queer 16-24 year olds into a marketable demographic, and thus Tumblr is overrun by the same 8 or so bands in every poll, every uquiz, every embedded spotify playlist. You guys ever heard of Hozier? I've been listening to a rad new artist lately, yeah! It's Cavetown. You should listen to Mitski! Did you hear about Mitski? I think you should listen to Mitski. What about Mitski guys. What about Mitski.

Again, it really doesn't have anything to do with the quality of any of these artists (except for Imagine Dragons, which I'll never hesitate to shit on). I just think it's... odd, and upsetting, that so many people are trapped inside this tiny little bubble of music that has been algorithmically determined for them as the genre they can be arbitrarily sorted into for marketing appeal reasons. It's like hearing someone say they've never seen it rain before. I discovered many of my current favorite artists by browsing through secondhand stores, talking to older punks in my community, renting CDs from the library, reading magazines (I recommend Razorcake), and going to local $5 cover shows held in the basement of a record shop. It physically pains me that this method of discovery is dying. It hurts to think of how few people are engaging seriously with the music scene in the places they live. It devastates me to see so many people being restricted by their circumstances from finding the music that will speak to them, specifically, not every single young, white, very online gay person living in the United States.

Basically--this is not okay. Something has to change.

[teasandcardigans]

the fail of imperium sweetheart

you asked for it, and its here! i got a little carried away with this, but i hope you all enjoy! a full analysis on the imperium’s most dismissed character, sweetheart

please keep in mind this is my own opinion, and i am not expressing hate towards erik. i think the amount of work he does to produce quality content is something that deserves respect and acknowledgement. with that said, i do also feel like i can share my own thoughts on the subject:

edit: tumblr formatted this poorly so if you would like to read it via notion, click here.

Imperium 2021 Runtime (Not including: Welcome to the Imperium, Your Place Among Magic, Welcome Back): 2 hours, 57 minutes, 48 seconds

Cataclysm 2022 Runtime: 5 hours, 21 minutes, 45 seconds

Combined Working Runtime: 8 hours 19 minutes, 33 seconds

(This is the amount of content I scanned to compile my list of quotes and opinions on this piece. I chose these videos specifically because they are the videos that realistically could have featured Sweetheart at any time.)

first mention: Audio RP | Caught By a Cruel Werewolf Pack

[01:14] “You really think that there wasn’t any kind of security at an academy office? Those enforcer goons aren't the only ones keeping shit in line around here. You weren't the only one in that room, you know. My mate’s a stealth. They watched you every step of the way, trailed you, and once you actually pulled those files, they sounded the alarm for all the rest of us. They hung back to see if you were just some kind of distraction for somebody else to do the real dirty work, but apparently, it really was just you.” 

some things to unpack here:

milo’s line implies the level of trust the pack has with sweetheart— they have been with the pack long enough to be trusted to run security in an academy office all alone and be the alarm for the rest of the pack. i think their character speaks for themselves when milo reveals that they hung back to see if there was more than what met the eye- showing that they care about the work they are doing with the pack, too.

another takeaway i have from this is that sweetheart doesn’t work for the department in the imperium. the “why” for that is not really given, but if imperium sweetheart is enough like the redactedverse’s canon version of them, then i think that could easily be implied that sweetheart would be too much of a workaholic to be able to balance working with the pack and the department. i wish that we could know more about sweetheart’s backstory in the imperium. this cannot even fall under the argument of trying to allow for a neutral listener with an open backstory for audiences to collectively connect to, as backstories are given to listener characters such as freelancer, angel, and baby.

[03:50] “That is not how that fucking went down, you clout-chasing peon. My mate was cloaked, guarding the building, and saw this human trying to steal some records and shit and tagged them.”

my takeaway from this quote is that it again illustrates the level of trust the pack has in sweetheart. they are- at least i inferred this- alone, guarding an important building with classified academy documents. asher, with his present no- nonsense attitude, would not put something like that up to chance. to appoint sweetheart to guard that building is a demonstration of wholehearted trust.

note: i’d like to take a moment to draw attention to the fact that the first actual appearance of sweetheart we get is literally the third to last video before the cataclysm finale, despite the fact they played a key role in the original imperium series- that role being sounding the alarm on imperium-babe and connecting them to asher, which inadvertently ties the shaw pack to avior and the haven’s plans to overpower the department. let’s just appreciate that for a second. erik- whether he meant to or not- made sweetheart a key player in this series, and yet, we don’t actually get to see them interacting with anyone until the very, very end. this section is analyzed a bit out of order so that i can avoid redundancy in expressing my opinions. please refer to time stamps!

first interaction: Cataclysm | Tantum Tyrannus [Audio RP]

[00:00 to 06:14] Sweetheart finds Asher unconscious, and Milo gone. Together, they figure out what Milo’s plan is and derive one of their own to save him. 6 minutes, 14 seconds.

all of these together exemplify the level of protectiveness and love that milo and sweetheart have for each other. it’s no secret that the two care very deeply for one another, canon timeline or not, but i think these quotes all show how sweetheart and milo will do anything to keep the other safe. the first quote at 01:15, to me, feels like a defensive retort after sweetheart possibly accuses asher of sending milo to face alexis alone- their protective instincts raise up in an effort to defend milo against anyone who tries to put him in harm’s way. it’s dismissed by asher of course, who explains that he was planning to go, but overall, each of these quotes make me crave a better insight into their relationship.

[01:15] “I wouldn’t let him do that.”

[01:38] “No, you are not coming.”

[04:12] “He wouldn’t want you to be in harm’s way. You know that.”

[02:52] “You know him. Better than any of us.”

this to me speaks to how deeply sweetheart and milo are involved. canon timeline or imperium, i think it’s safe to say that a mate’s bond is the deepest connection one can have with another person (maybe rivaled by a progeny-maker bond), so it’s so strange to me that couples such as vega and pet, vindemiator and freelancer, and avior and starlight get more “screentime” than sweetheart and milo. i know some of those pairs mentioned above are fan favorites, and erik was likely trying to give content that fans would enjoy, but i feel that his oversight on milo and sweetheart’s relationship- one that has existed longer than any other imperium relationship, mind you*- left a lot of blank spots into the true nature of their friendship and relationship that i would have love to have seen. in fact, i believe we know how every imperium relationship came to be except for milo and sweetheart.**

*milo and sweetheart were mates before Audio RP | Caught By a Cruel Werewolf Pack, as seen in milo’s comment about them stalking babe in the office. the aforementioned couples all supposedly got together in the months spanning between october 2021 and october 2022.

[04:46] “I would have given anything to have been at David’s side during that fight. All right. Come on.”

**vindemiator and freelancer: escaping the slicers and arriving at the academy together

vega and pet: pet is a feeding volunteer at the haven

starlight and avior: work companions growing into more

damien and angel: childhood friends turned lovers

asher and david: packmates turned lovers

you will see soon, i have a lot to say about david and asher. but i think that since their relationship is in the spotlight of cataclysm so much, this comment stands out to me. it gives sweetheart and milo’s relationship the same weight as david and asher’s- a weight that erik has been trying to demonstrate throughout this entire second trip to the imperium. it’s implied to me with this line that sweetheart draws a direct comparison from david to milo and asher acknowledges it, which begs the question: why is a non- existent relationship (rip david we love you) receiving more attention and screen time than one that exists and appears to have equal value?

[06:04] “We have to make the first hit count. Or we won’t get a second one.” 

i have to laugh at this one. it’s somewhat silly to me considering the fact that this line makes the fight scene feels so much bigger than what it actually turns out to be. that’s all.

second appearance: Cataclysm | Tantum Tyrannus [Audio RP]

[10:02 - 15:37] Asher and Sweetheart arrive at Alexis’s estate to save Milo. 5 minutes, 39 seconds.

i elected not to pull any quotes from this section purely for the fact that sweetheart’s interactions are truly limited. this scene mostly focuses on a facedown between asher and alexis, where sweetheart- and even milo, really (despite him being the reason they are there)- feel very much like background characters. this is about asher, getting revenge, for david. and yes, maybe a little bit to help save the world, but mostly, cataclysm is an asher-focused storyline. the most we get from sweetheart in this scene is asher talking to them in the beginning, and at the end. oh, yeah, they also helped stun and debilitate alexis so that asher could take her down. no biggie, right?

another spot for consideration: Cataclysm | Last Wish [Audio RP] 

Asher and Milo discuss the confrontation with Alexis as Milo heals.

personally, i find this choice to make sweetheart conveniently in another room making food as another way to eventually lead the conversation back to david and asher’s guilt. it is obvious that asher is trying to be the cold, hard, gruff alpha that he thinks he needs to be in order to prove his worth to the shaw pack as their leader. i don’t think in this side of the mirror asher would be too keen on being vulnerable and emotional around sweetheart about david, so erik removed sweetheart from the scene so we can, once again, focus on asher and david. (insert dramatic sigh here).

[01:48] “I figured your mate would be here.”

“They’re making some food, they should be back soon. I had to kick them out to keep them from fussing off of me and from reading me the absolute riot act doing this without telling them.”

[02:39] “They did good. I don't think I could have done that without them.”

i find this comment to be extremely ironic, as seen with my thoughts on the fight scene itself. asher commends sweetheart here and says how vital they were to the plan, but in reality, they felt like a minor character. they had one scene where they could have shown their strength and flex their skills- as we know they can (i.e. canon-timeline shade fight, canon-timeline apartment “break-ins,” and imperium-verse security detail in their first mention) and yet, their involvement in that scene feels small and overlooked.

third appearance: Cataclysm | Last Wish [Audio RP]

[15:41 - 16:14] Literally, Sweetheart comes, Asher goes. 33 seconds.

there’s not even anything to really analyze here. as soon as the focus pulls away from asher talking about himself and/or david, the scene ends. this is sweetheart and milo’s last appearance.

my overall thoughts:

of the 8 hours, 19 minutes, and 33 seconds that the imperium and cataclysm stories ran, sweetheart appeared in 12 minutes and 26 seconds of them (for those of you who like math, it’s 2.5% out of the full running time). for the importance of sweetheart’s role, that being the whistleblower on babe (and the ripple effect it had) and one of the key players in taking down alexis, i find their lack of appearance and mention disappointing. we all know how strong sweetheart is in both sides of the mirror, and i feel that they had much more potential as a character. from their relationship with milo, to their unexplained involvement with the Shaw Pack, there are a lot of gaps within their story that deserve recognition. even minor characters, such a baby and alexis, have more backstory and character development than sweetheart. i could go down a rabbit trail of how this could also be seen in inversion, but that is for a later date. in this analysis, i want to draw attention to the fact that so much time was dedicated to a relationship that we never even see, and another that sprung up over the break between “seasons.” asher and vega’s storylines are interesting and a far cry from their canon versions, but their importance feels dominating, and in the case of asher and david’s, exhausting. i’m not saying that even sweetheart and milo’s relationship deserved the spotlight, but i believe it would have been a more fulfilling, complex story if we had been able to see the moments with the two of them the way we get to see vega’s and vindemiator’s (the same goes for giving more explanation and attention to damien and angel’s, too). i’ll cut the novel short and end things with the hope that you, my lovely reader, can see how sweetheart’s potential as a character was diminished and pushed to the background when it could have been a unique and interesting piece to the imperium’s overall story.

[kait16xo]

Dance Moms: A New Era Thoughts (Episode 5)

Good news for retro ALDC fans—I have the 2003 program book in my collection! I’m pretty sure I have the link to my drive somewhere on tumblr but if not I will pin it!

As usual, spoilers under the cut :-) Additionally, there is an emetophobia warning during the competition so keep in mind

* “Every week, Audrey’s the center of some huge drama” oh the cons of being the favorite

* Wow Bella actually got a lower third already? It took Gianna so long to get hers

* Why tf would Gina even be on the top of the pyramid 😭 then again Glo is…well

* “Then they should work harder!” So should you 💀

* Leilah absolutely reading Glo is making me giggle. She might be my favorite rn

* Someone tell Mina and the other kids they don’t suck. God I’m so sick of this formula

* Wow Audrey’s actually where she belongs?? Did someone check Glo’s temperature??

* ASHLAN’S ON THE TOP WERK! She genuinely deserves it. That trio was phenomenal.

* “I guess they made up at the breakfast table” is so funny given additional context

* Mina getting a solo amidst the Gina v. Audrey showdown: :D

* Mina’s interview about the group 😭 these kids are so silly I love them

* Poor Smiley. Not everyone can turn well but that doesn’t make her any less of a dancer. It sucks to see her so defeated

* Domenica crying in front of her kid lowkey gives me the ick but I get it at the same time

* Omg Rachelle Rak’s in this episode werk

* Them making snow angels before rehearsal is so cute

* HOLY SHIT AUDREY’S DOING A PRISCILLA PRESLEY SOLO? I JUST SAW HER AT A CON LAST WEEKEND

* “Elvis…” *starts moonwalking* “Wait that’s Michael Jackson” me too queen

* “Priscilla was only 14 when she met Elvis?…ew” good girl Audrey lol

* That zoom into Tammi in her interview took me clean out

* Gina’s doing a solo she already knows and the kids are going feral as expected

* Aww Mina and her Teddy 😭 stop it. Leave her teddy alone

* I find it so hard to believe this kid can be a brat lol

* This costume is rly cute

* “She’s doing the group dance” without the group is insane. Also YES GIRLS you get into that solo rehearsal

* Poor Smiley works so hard only to be benched :/ at least

* “Why did I have to join the team?” MY HEART

* Mina basically saying “idgaf” about her teammates is wild

* “Dan how much time do I have left I need to go poopy?” These interviews man lol

* WE WERE SO CLOSE TO AN EP WITHOUT ASHLAN CRYING COME ON

* Why tf would Gina and Jing say no to and opportunity from their teacher 💀 y’all need to be so serious

* Tammi playing a game with the kids to get them away from the drama was rly smart and I have a lot of respect for her now

* The juxtaposition of them playing mid fight is also rly funny thank you tammi

* Holy shit vomit jumpscare 😭

* “Welcome Gina” girl I’d fucking kms

* If your child is getting actively sick about the idea of giving away her security item then maybe don’t rush her into giving it up! There’s a fucking concept! Take her to a child therapist or something (:

* Ok so I had to switch to youtube mid episode so I had to watch Mina’s solo in PURE SILENCE LMAO. She still ate tho idc

* Mina’s emotional execution for her age is phenomenal

* Ok update we have the SLIGHTEST bit of audio for Gina’s solo but the quality is so bad lol

* THAT LEG HOLD TURN WAS PHENOMENAL OK MISS GIRL

* This kid genuinely dances like an angel

* Audrey smacking the camera…real asf

* That veil is cool as fuck. I also love her costume

* I cannot get past these audio cuts the youtube version has LMFAO

* The aerial at the end was not needed but she ate that emotional execution UPPPPP

* Poor Gina getting no kudos from her friends makes me sad. She did so beautifully too and she needs told that

* Glo’s voice was fighting for its life LOL. Also s/o to her for giving Gina SOME praise lol

* Level of unbothered: Smiley eating snacks bc she’s cut from the dance

* I love these costumes

* I knew Gina was gonna get the overall lol. She was so good

* Audrey…baby…it was just better choreographically. Tone it down

* They got first place group we’re so back

* “Nobody lost!” Omg all the solos got first? Work

* If Gina coming in causes a girl to get benched every week then your teacher isn’t good at her job. Follow me for more hot takes.

[artcalledmusica]

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[southsidestory]

Can't Afford Love on Minimum Wage

"Do you have lavender-infused non-dairy macrobiotic sorbet?"

Sasuke felt his left eye twitch. "All sorbet is non-dairy. That's what makes it sorbet."

The customer flipped her long, blonde dreads over her shoulder, which disrupted the dreamcatcher resting on her pale forehead. "Whatever. Do you have it or not?"

Sasuke pointed toward the blackboard behind him. "Is it on the menu?"

Cultural Appropriation Barbie's eyes narrowed. "Shouldn't you know what's on the menu?"

"I do."

He could recite all twenty-six ice creams listed on the board, along with their primary ingredients, any allergens, a short description of their flavor profiles, and suggestions for which ones paired together best. Sakura had drilled all of that info into his head during his first two days at Jeni's.

Sasuke really wished he could go back to memorizing flavor facts.

"Then why are you asking me what's on it?"

"Because apparently you didn't read it," Sasuke said.

The customer gaped. "Where's your manag—?"

Sakura swooped in before she could get the question out and said, "Hi, I'm the shift leader! I think what Sasuke is trying to say is that we have some great options you might like. For a similar flavor, we have a wildberry lavender ice cream—"

"I don't condone enslaving cows for their milk."

Sasuke gestured toward the end of the freezer. "How do you feel about goats? We've got a goat cheese one down there."

"Sasuke, why don't you take your break?" Sakura said brightly.

"Sure."

As he headed toward the back, he heard Sakura describing their newest vegan flavor, a refreshing, bright sangria-style frosé sorbet, made with pear, strawberry, and watermelon.

Sasuke took a seat on a cardboard box filled with jars of fudge, butterscotch, and caramel sauce. He checked his phone. Only one message. From Naruto, naturally.

Good luck on your first day dealing with people. Try not to get fired this time lol

Sasuke could hear Sakura telling the vegan customer that her four-scoop cone and a pint of frosé sorbet were on the house and that she was very sorry about the employee who had been so rude.

"He's still in training."

Might have fucked that up already.

Dude. You've only been there three days 😂

Shut up

Do you know what macrobiotic means?

Macrobiotic? I think that's like the stuff they give you when you get syphilis

Sasuke rubbed his eyes. He must have gone temporarily insane to think Naruto would know the meaning of a word with more than three syllables.

That's penicillin you moron, a kind of *anti*biotics

"What the hell was that?" Sakura asked.

Gtg get fired ttyl

Sasuke put his phone in his pocket. "Sorry. Guess that was a little rude."

"A little? I'd hate to see your version of being very rude."

Sasuke waited for the verdict. On the one hand, Sakura was only a shift leader, not a manager, so she might not have the power to fire him. On the other, this was his third strike in as many days, so he had to be on thin ice.

Sakura ran a hand through her chin-length pink hair, and he had the stupidest thought: her hair is the same color as the frosé sorbet.

"You obviously need some guidance on how to give quality customer service. Have you ever worked at a place like this before?"

Sasuke had spent the last five years caught in a revolving door of food service and retail jobs. So he wasn't being entirely honest when he said, "A couple times, yeah."

"Okay, well, whoever trained you before must not have done a very good job," Sakura said. "I'll try to teach you how to deal with difficult customers with more… grace. And patience. And better manners. And—"

"I get it. I suck with customers. Can't you just stick me on the waffle cone station or make me clean shit?"

"As often as I possibly can," Sakura said flatly. "But sometimes you're going to have to scoop or run register, and your pissy attitude will break the tip jar. Half the money I make here is in tips, and I am so not letting you gut my paycheck."

"Wait, what? Half?" Sasuke asked. "You make seven bucks an hour in tips just for scooping ice cream?"

Sakura smirked. "Closer to ten, actually. And I make good tips because of my excellent customer service skills. Watch and learn, unless you want to live off minimum wage."

He could more than double his paycheck by being nicer to customers?

"Okay. I'm all yours." Sasuke held out his hands. "Teach me how to not be an asshole."

Sakura hid her smile behind her hand, giggling. Damn, her laugh was as pretty as the rest of her.

"I don't make any promises to improve your personality," she said, her voice teasing. "But I'll teach you how to fake it."

Sasuke doubted that. Chances were, he'd cuss out an annoying customer before the end of the week and be job searching again by Monday.

Until then, at least Sakura would keep him company.

.

.

Author's Notes: Here's a sneak peek at my SasuSaku romcom! Yes, you read that right, I'm writing comedy. It's based on an absolutely hysterical tiktok by Scott Seiss (which I'll link to in a reblog later, bc for some reason tumblr hates links). Many thanks to @birkastan2018 for inspiring the first line of this fic! And this is entirely @toondoon1010's fault for giving me the idea for this story.

[joshslater]

Breeder

Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon. (Repost without the photo from another tumblr post)

I can’t remember the last time I came that much. Pump after pump of cum up his ass, and as I pulled out, one final squirt between his butt cheeks just to make more of an impression. I looked at his tight, pink T-shirt, his tight, leaking asshole, his smooth, slim legs, and his white calf-high Nike socks. “Fuck, I needed this so badly,” I exhaled and threw myself down on the bed next to him. It was my fault he was almost fully dressed, just barely out of his shorts. When we entered his apartment my juices were almost spilling over. We just kicked off our shoes and I started to grope him while we quickly moved to his bedroom. It had been such a stressful couple of weeks with tons of extra hours. Every day I felt drained of all energy the moment I stepped back into my apartment and hadn’t even had the energy to masturbate since… I don’t even remember. A month? More?

“I could tell,” he said, turning his head sideways looking at me. He was cute, even now that post ejaculation clarity had set in. My eyes had landed on him almost immediately once inside the bar. The radiant blue adidas baseball cap that we wore backward on top of his dirty blonde, shaggy hair and boyish face pulled me in. He was thin, so for him to have such tight clothes he probably shopped in the kids’ section. Just what I was looking for. A tiny twink I could just manhandle and drive hard. Kind of made me feel bad now for how one-sided that fuck must have been.

“I’m… It’s just with everything I haven’t been around much lately.” “Hey, don’t worry about it. We got plenty of time, if you want.”

He was still wearing the backward baseball cap as he lied on his front, looking at me with intense eyes. He wasn’t cute. He was gorgeous. Had I spent more time looking at his face than his butt walking to his place and his back being here I would have noticed earlier, but my dick had made all the decisions up until now. God, he must still be leaking cum into his bed given the size of the load I dumped in him. I wanted to tell him, to help him clean up.

He was biting his lip, still piercing me with his look. “Have you ever played puppy?” That came as a surprise. I’ve never understood that kink, and not just because I always top. I know some tops enjoy barking orders to a pup, or even dress up as an alpha dog, but it’s never been a thing I’ve understood nor at all considered.

“Can’t say that I have.” “Wanna try?”

He propped himself up on his arms, knuckles under his chin, elbows into the mattress. He was back to looking sweet and cute. I felt like I kind of owed him, but it’s not like I was doing him a favor either. Worst case it was nothing interesting and I could check another thing off the list.

“Sure, why not.” “Yass. I’ll get the things.”

He jumped out of bed and hurried out of the bedroom. If it wasn’t for the age check at the bar I wouldn’t have guessed him to be over 17. I assume he has a lot of creams in his bathroom and a strict diet. But then I would never miss a day at the gym. Different things are important to different people. “Take off your clothes” he shouts from another room somewhere. I slowly got up, and couldn’t help to look at the wet spot on the bed sheet where his ass had been.

I took off my jeans, my socks, my watch, and my shirt. I was just about to step out of my jockstrap when came back into the bedroom. “Keep that on for now.” I did as he said. This was his scene to direct. “Put these on.” He handed me a pair of leather wrist cuffs. Up until now it wasn’t clear who would play what role, though I had kind of assumed I would play the dog. Was I the dog? Would he also be a dog? I was kind of liking the uncertainty. The leather cuffs were high quality, and about as easy to secure as you could hope for when doing it on yourself. “And these,” he said as he gave me a pair of thigh straps, also leather. They were easy to secure, though I had no idea where this was going. He was rummaging in one of the drawers for something, and finally found a bottle of what I assumed to be lube. He proceeded to squeeze out a generous amount on the butt plug part of a tail plug. I’ve never seen one in person before. The plug part wasn’t that big, but the tail was huge.

“Now, get on all four.” I dropped down onto the floor. I was actually a bit anxious about this. I’m not an anal virgin, but I haven’t done a lot. I don’t even own a dildo myself. He walked behind me and I braced for impact, but he put the plug on a table and picked up something else. He crouched next to me and attached the wrist cuff with the thigh strap using a short chain with two metal clasps. Then he did the same on the other side. I wasn’t really sure what the purpose of the chains was. It would make moving around a bit awkward, but not stopping me from standing up or anything. He then positioned himself behind me and stuck a lubed finger up my ass and begun to wiggle it. “Not used to this, I feel.” He was damn right, but I was determined to take it like a man. He removed his finger and picked up the butt plug

I could feel him press the plug gently against my asshole, probing it lightly, only to then make a surprise, hard push and shove it all in at once. As soon as the sphincter grabbed it and pushed it into place I knew something was wrong. A shudder went like a wave through the body, and I yelped like a hurt puppy, surprising myself. I tried to cover my mouth as a reflex, but my armed yanked my leg, tripped myself despite already being on all four, and face planted on the carpet. “What the fuck!” I wanted to say, but what came out was an inarticulate “Whaaaff”. Getting real scared now I got up on all four again and frantically struggled to stand up, but somehow the body wouldn’t comply. It was like I couldn’t really grasp how to do it. I realized I was whimpering when he began to stroke me, petting my head like the back of a dog. “There, there. Calm down. There is nothing you can do about it now.”

He stood up and stepped away, while I was trying to figure out what was going on. I took a  step forward using my right arm and leg. That worked. I took another step with my left arm and leg. My mind was a whirlwind like I couldn’t focus on anything. I wanted to stand up, but how could you stand up if you are already standing? I let out an “Aooo” of frustration. He was back by my side again with something in his hands. What was his name? Did he ever even tell me his name? “Here, this should make you calmer” He stroked the back of my head a few times, and as much as I hated it, it was soothing. I then felt something cold. He was putting a chain around my neck, and then clasped a leash to it. I don’t know why, but suddenly the noise in my head went silent.

“Good boy!” He stroked my head again. “Let’s go to the door and clean up your mess. Heel!” We started walking out of his bedroom and down his short hallway toward the door.  My shoes laid randomly dropped on the floor, and a third shoe. It was one of his. A bright blue Nike air max shoe. The other one was neatly placed next to a row of other shoes. “Did you do that?” he asked and pointed at his shoe. “Bad puppy! Get it.” I raced ahead and bit into the heel of the shoe. It was still warm and smelled of his foot. It wasn’t that cheesy smell of reused socks or the sour note of workout sweat, but a light, earthy smell of everyday feet. Almost a bit like hay. “You like that?” I realized I was breathing in heavily with my nose in his sneaker, biting the ankle collar. I froze. I felt shame. Like I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing.

“Haha, it’s OK,” he said, and ruffled my hair. He proceeded to grab the other two shoes while I placed his sneaker on the floor and tried to dig my face into the opening. I didn’t get very far, but I manage to lick the inside bottom of the shoe. As it turned moist it released more fragrance. I could imagine him out on the streets, sweating during a hot day. Perhaps dashing to catch a ride. It wasn’t a pungent smell, but it was virile. It was the smell of someone with stamina. Then he stole it from me. “Hey, we have more cleanup to do.” I whined as he placed his shoe next to his other one.

Then he dropped on all four too and displayed his ass for me. “You left a mess here.” He didn’t have to say more as I attacked his butt cheeks with my tongue to clean them from my drying cum. It didn’t take many licks to clean him up around the butt hole. I then proceeded to lick the butt and to try to get my tongue as far up his ass as I could. While the taste was all mine, I kept breathing in his scent. It wasn’t at all as rewarding as the shoe. He was clean, had a citrus and cedar tree cologne, and hadn’t sweated much during our brief sex. I wished I would have worked him up harder. I know I could have made him exhausted from pleasure if I wanted to. He must have been squeezing now because my cum just kept coming out of him.

Abruptly he got up, mid lick. “Aw, you’re so hungry. Puppy needs food,” he said and walked into his small kitchen. I followed as fast I could. He opened the fridge and pulled out a few Tupperware containers, and dumped the contents into a dog bowl. He placed it on the floor. Brown rice, salmon, and broccoli. “There. Eat it all up. Puppy must stay strong for daddy.” I dove headfirst into the bowl and started to munch down the bowl of fridge-cold diet food. I realized I was starving and somehow this bland mush felt really satisfying. I started at a ferocious pace, but as I got down to the last quarter I was beginning to feel full. While grateful for the food, how could daddy know how much I could eat. Daddy? What was this nonsense? He’s a fuck I don’t even know the name of I picked up at a bar to breed. I was the top dog here, the alpha. This had to stop. I should stand up, take my stuff, and go. But I couldn’t stand up. I was already standing up. In frustration I howled.

He came back into the kitchen. I hadn’t even noticed him gone. He was wearing shorts again, but a different kind. Grey sweatpant shorts. He quickly sat himself down on the floor next to me, with crossed legs. He grabbed me and gently but firmly tipped me over so my head fell into his lap. “Puppy having a bad dream?” he asked. He didn’t sound mocking or sarcastic. His hand was stroking me on the side. I whimpered into his sweatpants. I could smell him again, the scent of a viril young man. I borrowed my head into his crouch and breathed heavily. I could smell his dick. Citrus, cedar, and precum. I began to lick the cotton fabric. “Good boy. Good boy.” I did nothing to his dick, but I could feel mine swelling in the jockstrap.

He gently pushed me away from him, got up, and filled another bowl with tap water. He placed it next to the first bowl. Then he held out one hand in front of me. I had to get up on all four from my lying position to see what was in it. Two white pills, one small and round and one larger and longer.  "Here, take these. They will make you stronger and better.“ I sniffed but all I got was his scent. I licked up both pills in one go and plunged my head into the water bowl to get some water to swallow them with.

He got down on the floor with me again, and started to remove the wrist cuffs and thigh straps, all while stroking me on my back. "I don’t think we need these anymore,” he said. I had no idea what he meant. I was just happy he was touching me. My dick was happy too.

“Come, let’s make you ready for the night,” he said, got up and left the kitchen. I got up on all four and did my best to catch up with him. He walked to his bathroom and opened the door. I rushed to get in before him. “Hey, hey,” he lovingly scolded me. He turned on the light and revealed a large bathroom. Shower, bathtub, washing machine, lots of bottles of shampoo and jars with creams, and a large dog cage. “Sit,” he commanded.

I immediately sat down, pushing the tail plug in a bit. I felt a wave, like a shudder going from the ass through the body. He was looking through the large cupboard. “Ah,” he said and pulled out a small jar. He put on a disposable latex glove, and kneeled in front of my. “Let’s take care of that for you,” he said and freed my dick and balls from the jockstrap. He then dipped a few fingers in the jar and begun to massage some ointment all over my dick and balls. I didn’t recognize the faint smell. I could feel my private parts getting warmer, but if that was the salve or just him rubbing me I couldn’t tell. Then he put everything back into the jockstrap. “Let’s marinate that for a while and tomorrow you will last hours.” I didn’t understand him.

Then he went to the cage and opened it. I could see that the floor of the cage was filled with clothes. T-shirts, sweatshirts, shorts, trunks, socks. It all looked like gym clothes, or at last lazy day attire. “Come here, get in your cage.” There was a small part of me that wanted to hesitate, so I didn’t run in but deliberately walked. I could feel my dick and balls heating up as they fully erect rubbed within my jockstrap. As I got close and closer to the cage I could smell it. It somehow made me excited and I sped up my stride the last few steps into the cage. It was just filled with different scents of him. Not citrus or cedar, but him. Socks he had been running in. A T-shirt he had slept in. A pair of sweatpants that had been through a lot. I just kept moving my head all around the cage. In indecision I just laid down and started to wiggle and rub against everything.

He closed and latched the cage door. “Good night, puppy. Dream about fucking me.” He didn’t need to tell me that.

[vikingqueer]

music recommendations because i have some thoughts™

i don't wanna be that person who's like "my music taste is so weird lol" but i find that very often most of my friends don't really care for the music i like so i thought i'd just make a long ass post about it on tumblr instead. Fair warning, I'm very passionate about MIKA and The Mechanisms and so this very quickly got VERY long because it is part of my ongoing campaign to convince people to listen to mika and the mechs.

1) MIKA in general, but especially My Name Is Michael Holbrook (2019) and No Place In Heaven (2015) (especially the Deluxe version!!)

MIKA is a kind of British singer (half Lebanese, grew up in France blabla), and you probably know him for Grace Kelly and Relax, Take It Easy from his first album Life In Cartoon Motion from 2007. He writes a lot of FUN music, interspersed with the occasional slightly sadder song, especially when looking at an album like No Place In Heaven, which contains a lot of songs with gay themes, resulting in some songs that are just a little bit ouch. He's originally classically trained and has a frankly RIDICULOUS range and idk he just writes very good pop music. Also I have so much respect for that time he talked about how a lot of pop is very fake, with like expensive cars and stilettos and mini skirts in the snow and said "Because I walk down the street, and I don't see any of that. I see fat women and gay men. I don't know... That's real". He's written 5 albums; My Name Is Michael Holbrook (2019), No Place In Heaven (2015), The Origin Of Love (2012), The Boy Who Knew Too Much (2009), and Life In Cartoon Motion (2007).

For starters, I recommend listening to Last Party, Origin Of Love, Grace Kelly, Blame It On The Girls, Blue, Happy Ending, Pick Up Off The Floor, Last Party, Underwater, Tomorrow and Tiny Love (yes this is a long list but i REALLY love MIKA). If you want a slightly broader palette that's not just my favourites, I recommend the Mika starter pack on spotify.

2) The Mechanisms. I warn you. I am making this a thing. I have been obsessed with the mechs since last march.

Boy, where to start? The Mechanisms were a British 9 member space pirate story-telling cabaret that "died" in January 2020. They rewrite songs to fit retellings of various stories. I don't even know what genre I'd describe them as, but probably folk but steam-punk?? Their 4 "main" albums are concept albums, and I honestly just recommend listening to the from beginning to end in chronological order. A good way to get into the mechs is also to listen to UDAD and then watching the live show on youtube or alternately try giving Death To The Mechanisms a listen, to get good quality live show audio of TBI and various other stuff. Also, it was streamed on YouTube and someone combined the footage with the album audio and it rocks. Really, I think the mechs' best selling points are honestly just their concept albums:

Once Upon a Time (In Space) Their first album from 2012. I'd say this is the most "easily digestible" for the general public, since it's a retelling of various fairytales. So, what if Old King Cole was in fact not merry, but rather a cold-blooded dictator, intent on colonising as much of the galaxy as possible. What if Snow White was a general, looking to avenge what King Cole did to her sister, Rose. What if Cinderella was to be wedded to Rose the day that King Cole attacked in order to kidnap Rose? But y'know, In Space and also like every other mechs album it's a beautiful tragedy. Fave songs are Old King Cole, Pump Shanty, and No Happy Ending.

Ulysses Dies at Dawn You guessed it, it's a story about Odysseus, or Ulysses because I guess Ulysses is easier to rhyme or fit in the meter or something, idk. Ulysses is a war hero of unknown gender who is said to keep something that could take down the corrupt Olympians, meanest families in the City, in a vault to which only they know the passcode. Oedipus, Heracles, Orpheus, and Ariadne have been hired by Hades, who happens to be The Mechs' quartermaster Ashes O'Reilly, to get into Ulysses' vault. I didn't care much for udad at first, but honestly it's got some real bangers and the story is really good. UDAD weirdly stands out as the only of the concept albums to not feature any gay relationships, per se. Fave songs are Riddle of the Sphinx, Favoured Son, and Underworld Blues.

High Noon over Camelot This is my favourite mehcs album. So basically, this is Arthurian legend, but it's a space western and Jonny D'Ville does a bad southern accent. This is the story of the cowboy lovers Arther, Lancelot, and Guinevere searching for the Galfridian Restricted Acces Interface Login, or GRAIL, in order to stop their world from falling into the sun. Meanwhile, Mordred and Gawaine are ruling Camelot, and Mordred has convinced Gawaine to try to establish peace with the Saxons by whom Mordred was raised, but Gawaine hates viciously. If you love getting your heart broken and songs by a fucking off the rails batshit preacher I HIGHLY recommend hnoc. Fave songs are Gunfight at the Dolorous Guard, Blood and Whiskey, and Once and Future King. Honorary mention for Hellfire because it awakens something animalistic in me.

The Bifrost Incident TBI is the frankly only good adaptation of norse mythology I've ever known of, and I say that as Dane who was literally forced to learn things about norse mythology in school because it's my heritage or whatever. I've been listening to TBI a lot lately because it's VERY good. It's definitely the most refined of the mechs' albums (because it's the newest) but also I just love a little bit of cosmic horror. 80 years ago, Odin, the All-Mother, ruler of Asgaard, launched a train through the wormhole Bifrost that would reduce the travel between Asgaard and Midgaard from 3 months to 3 days, but things didn't go quite as planned. Lyfrassir Edda of the New Midgaard Transport Police is trying to solve the case of why suddenly the train has arrived 80 years late; to figure out whether it was accident or maybe it was sabotaged by Loki, who was allegedly sentence to death her murder of Baldur, by the Midgaardian resistance led by Loki's wife Sigyn, or maybe by Thor, who was to take over after Odin, and who holds quite the grudge because he used to be a friend of Loki's. You might've heard the song Thor from this album, it's apparently quite popular. Fave songs are Loki, Ragnarok III: Strange Meeting, and Ragnarok V: End of The Line. Yet again an honorary mention: Red Signal because while Lovecraft was a bitch, his invocations are fucking RAW.

Basically, the Mechanisms do all of their performances in character as captain first mate Jonny D'Ville, quartermaster Ashes O'Reilly, pilot DrumBot Brian, master-at-arms Gunpowder Tim, science officer Raphaella la Cognizi, doctor Baron Marius Von Raum (neither a baron, nor a doctor), archivist Ivy Alexandria, engineer Nastya Rasputina, and The Toy Soldier, who is, as usual, present. You can find very obscure lore about the crew of the Aurora here, tidbits on Tales To Be Told and TTBT Vol. 2, such as One Eyed Jacks, The Ignominious Demise of Dr. Pilchard, Gunpowder Tim vs. The Moon Kaiser, Lucky Sevens, and Lost in the Cosmos.

If you feel like listening to a full 40-50 minute album to find out if you like a band is a bit much, I recommend listening to one of the mini stories Alice, Swan Song, or Frankenstein, which are about 12, 5 and 9:30 minutes respectively.

3) The Amazing Devil You know that guy who played Jaskier in the Witcher? I got into The Amazing Devil from spotify recommending them because I listened to the mechs, and apparently Joey Batey from The Amazing Devil is the same Joey Batey who was in the Witcher. Both him and Madeleine Hyland are VERY talented singers and songwriters and their second album The Horror and the Wild makes me go out into the forest and SCREAM. I listened to it on repeat for like a month straight. I guess they'd also be considered folk, but like. New Folk. Also yes, this is another British artist, I don't know why I'm like this. I've never really gotten that into their first album, Love Run, but King slaps. As I understand there's this whole lore about the Blue Furious Boy and Scarlet Scarlet, Joey and Madeleine respectively, but unlike the Mechanisms it's actually possible to find out things about the actual real people and harder to find the obscure lore? I'm open for people to please help me. Fave songs are The Horror and the Wild, Farewell Wanderlust, and That Unwanted Animal, which is literally a third of their second album, but again. I haven't really listened to Love Run that much, and I just LOVE the harmonies on THATW. (also im gay and dramatic leave me alone)

4) dodie I have so much love for this woman. Like many others, I first knew dodie as doddleoddle on youtube. I think I first stumbled across her in probably 2015, because I distinctly already knew her before she released her first EP Sick of Losing Soulmates in 2016. I think I watched probably every video she's ever made in the span of a few weeks. I just loved her quiet sound and was absolutely HOOKED. Also she's actually the reason I got into MIKA originally, so thanks for that. Dodie just realeased her first album Build A Problem (in addition to her three EP's; the one mentioned above, You, and Human) and it slaps. Yes dodie is also British Fave songs are probably Monster, Rainbow, and In The Middle.

5) Cladia Boleyn Unfortunately, Claudia Boleyn only has three singles and that's it. She's been making content on youtube for quite a while, and that's how I first discovered her. I don't know what genre her music is, but I like it. The songs are Celesta, George, and Mother Maiden Crone, of which the latter is my favourite. I'm not saying Claudia Boleyn invented women in 2017 when she released Mother Maiden Crone, but she did. Also you guessed it, Claudia Boleyn is British.

6) Hozier I'm not about to tell you about Hozier. You know who he is. Listen to Nina Cried Power, Angel Of Small Death & The Codeine Scene, and Shrike. Also Hozier isn't stricly British in that he is definitely from A British Isle, but Ireland is not part of the UK. Give me a break.

7) Oh Land Oh Land IS DANISH. I like her early music best, because I'm not that into the electronic sound. I guess Oh Land is just you regular old pop, but with the occasional weird vibe? Oddly enough, I like her first album Fauna best. Unfortunately I haven't really listened to her newest album Family Tree much, but it seems good? Fave songs are Frostbite, Love You Better and Family Tree. I cried on the bus, first time I listened to the Danish version of Love You Better, Elsker Dig Mer because my mother tongue always just hits harder. Also Frostbite is Oh Land doing a duet with herself which is pretty cool.

8) Oysterband This is a live recommendation. I mean they're a decent folk band and all, but they're a fucking experience live. If you like folk and you ever get the opportunity to see Oysterband live, do it. Unfortunately, yes. They are British. Either way, they are incredible on a scene and I think they deserve a mention for that.

9) Ben Platt Honestly don't know much about this guy, but he's not British and he was in Dear Evan Hansen. He released an album in 2019, Sing To Me Instead, and I just think it's a good album, there isn't really not much more to it. Fave songs are Grow As We Go, Bad Habit, and In Case You Don't Live Forever.

and thats all for now. this has been a ramble. shout out to you if you actually read all of this, especially the mechs part.

[princess-of-riviaa]

NSFW Alphabet: round 1.2(?)

coco-killed-the-angels said: Your NSFW alphabet round 1 was amazing! It was detailed, thoughtful, well written, And just such a fun read!! I wanted to mention a few kinks you didn’t mention and ask who you think would be most likely to have them, if any, and who would be willing to try them or if they would be total turn offs. Or perhaps neutral opinion: Pet play, degradation, humiliation, fertility/breeding, lactation, tease and denial (like more long term deprivation), face slapping, leaving marks, sugar daddy, domestic.

I’m so sorry this took so long to answer, I was answering the very last kink and TUMBLR DELETED ALL OF IT I’M SO PISSED

but here you go darling:

like the last round, this will include:

Henry Cavill

August Walker

Geralt of Rivia

Walter Marshall

Clark Kent

pet play

Henry: is pretty into it. likes watching you crawl on all fours towards him--that sight always gets him hard as a rock.

August: loves it. craves it, even. he bought you a collar on your third date and loves that you like to wear it even when you’re not playing, just chilling around the house. likes the idea of owning you and likes treating you like his pet.

Geralt: not really into it himself, but if it’s something you’re interested in, he’s willing to try it a couple times. it doesn’t take long for him to realize that it doesn’t work for him though.

Walter: not his style. he’s got no problem being dominant in the bedroom, but his kinks lie elsewhere.

Clark: likes the idea, but honestly? he’d rather be the pet;)

degradation/humiliation

Henry: will do it to an extent. he knows how powerful words are and won’t use them as a weapon against you. has no problem calling you his little slut though.

August: loves to degrade you when you’re playing, especially since everything he says about you is true (that you’re such a slut for him, always wanting him to take you, willing to do whatever it takes to get fucked, etc.). his favorite names for you are usually the meanest.

Geralt: doesn’t like it. he’s been degraded and humiliated by the public enough for it to leave a scar and he’s not about to bring it into the bedroom. he’ll physically be rough with you, but not vocally.

Walter: will call you his little slut when you’re fucking, but not more than that. he knows you’re sensitive and is always cautious about it, especially since he’s used to seeing such extreme brutality all day long.

Clark: doesn’t like it. at all. he’s a lot more into praising.

fertility/breeding

Henry: definitely has a breeding kink! he wants a family and has always been clear about that, but will wait until you’re ready before he lets his breeding kink jump out.

August: despite his addiction to coming inside of you every time, he wants nothing to do with kids. this is one of the few kinks that is a turn off for him. he forces you to get on the pill before he’ll even go near you.

Geralt: he’s definitely into creampies, but due to witchers being infertile, there’s not really a point for him to try to breed you. doesn’t mean he can’t imagine though.

Walter: he’s already got Faye and struggling to parent her, so he’s not quick to jump on this. but once you express your interest to him, you best believe he’s coming inside of you every time you have sex.

Clark: waits until you’re ready, but is more than willing to try and breed you. loves the idea of little toddlers that have your eyes running around and driving him crazy.

lactation

Henry: when you get pregnant, he loves watching your breasts grow with your stomach and is unable to keep his hands and mouth off your nipples. it gets even worse when you start breastfeeding. definitely has this kink, though is surprised to find out he does.

August: again, not a turn on. he’s all about nipple play but nothing to do with pregnancy or kids.

Geralt: has never experienced it, so he’s not able to say one way or the other.

Walter: yes. he loves the way he can easily suck on your nipples and get you dripping within seconds. (surprisingly) loves the taste of it too.

Clark: lactation kink? is a thing?? he’ll have to try it out before he decides if he likes it or not, so he guesses he’s got to start working on putting a baby in you. for science purposes, ya know?

teasing/denied orgasms

Henry: only as a punishment. usually he prefers to overstimulate you until you’re practically incoherent.

August: his favorite form of foreplay

Geralt: only if you’re teasing him first, and then he’s not going to let you cum for the rest of the night. you’ll learn soon enough not to tease him when he can’t do anything to quench his thirst.

Walter: rarely has time for sex, and even more rarely does he have enough time to go slow. but on date night when you have each other alone all night long, he’s definitely teasing you all over until you’re crying.

Clark: doesn’t realize he’s as into it as he is until you first start to have rough sex. usually he’s a giver in the bedroom, but once he learns that you want to see a different side of him, he can tease you for hours.

face slapping

Henry: occasionally will slap your face with his cock when you’re giving him a nice, dirty blowjob, but otherwise prefers to keep the slapping to your ass and thighs

August: loves it. especially when you’re riding him. the gasps you make always turn him on so much.

Geralt: loves slapping your cheeks with his cock. does it every time you give him a blowjob.

Walter: prefers to choke you. or slap your ass when he’s taking you from behind.

Clark: only wants to slap your ass, and only if you ask him several times beforehand.

leaving marks

Henry: of course! he’ll mark up your entire body, but his favorite place is between your thighs. also secretly loves it when he’s spanked you particularly hard and it leaves behind a huge, red handprint.

August: this is one of his favorite kinks. will bruise you and make your skin red until you’re sore for days.

Geralt: has a thing with biting you for some reason. loves leaving hickeys on your stomach and neck.

Walter: likes it when he makes your ass red, but otherwise he prefers to be the one getting marks. loves it when you leave hickeys on his shoulders and neck. makes him feel like a horny high school kid all over again.

Clark: doesn’t like it, particularly because he only sees it as a reminder that he was too rough with you and too loose with his power. but loves, loves, loves being marked up by you. you love to bite him around his hips and naval and will send you shirtless selfies days later with the blue and purple bruises.

sugar daddy

Henry: loves to spoil his girl, but doesn’t do it so he can get sex in return (because he knows you’ll sleep with him either way). he just does it because he always thinks about you when he’s out filming in some foreign country, or when he’s at home and killing time on the weekend with you. he has no problem spending his money on you.

August: 100% a sugar daddy. loves spending all of his money on you, especially when it comes to buying you lingerie. he always ends up ripping it off your body the first time you wear it for him, though.

Geralt: not really, since his lifestyle keeps him from affording it. whenever he does get coin, he’ll buy you a nice dinner and maybe even a new dress if you need one, but it doesn’t really get him going. rather, it makes him feel like a worthy significant other to provide for you.

Walter: doesn’t spend money unless he has to, and buying you things in exchange for sex isn’t his deal.

Clark: once he joins the justice league and starts making good money, he’s all about spoiling you, especially if it means buying you pretty things that he gets to help you step out of at the end of the night.

domestic (what are they like in a relationship, other than the sex?)

Henry: he’s all about spending quality time with you, whether that means coercing you into a morning jog with him and Kal or curling up on the couch to snuggle and watch a movie. he’s your biggest fan and loves to talk your ear off about the things he’s passionate about (which is pretty much everything). also loves to cook for you.

August: if he’s not eating, sleeping, or having sex with you, he’s not with you. he isn’t big on quality time and is usually away on another mission.

Geralt: he’s away a lot due to monster hunting, but he also likes to take you to different towns and show you parts of the world. you’re always wanting to poke his brain for little facts about things he knows about certain places, or what monsters he fought in what town, etc. basically, it’s a lot of traveling, talking, and trying new foods at different inns in different countries.

Walter: like August, he’s usually away for work, but it’s not because he doesn’t want to spend time with you. he does, badly. but he’s a workaholic and the nature of his job demands outrageous hours, so he’s rarely home.

Clark: when he’s not helping to save the world, he’s with you. his favorite thing to do with you is sleep together; he loves the way you snuggle up to him and how you snore softly when you’re in a deep, peaceful sleep. but he’s also into nature and loves going all over to hike a new trail. he’s a bit into photography and loves to take pictures of you while you’re hiking, he thinks you look so ethereal in the woods with the sunlight breaking through.

***

Taglist:

@agniavateira​ @hnryycvll​ @littlefreya​ @celestial-vomit​ @lestersglitterglue​ @watermeloncavill​ @honeychicana​ @penwieldingdreamer​ @elixasays​ @buckysgoldenheart​ @noz4a2​ @trippedmetaldetector​ @omgkatinka​ @sunflowerstan​

[itstittycitybaby]

From the Ashes We are Born (Part two)

A/N: Just wanna say thank you so much for the notes and follows! I appreciate it a lot. I forget how broken tumblr is until i have to post something with 1000+ words. Anyways enjoy lmao.

.

The cool and crisp sheets welcomed you in its arms once you woke up. They smelt of pine trees and lemon with a tinge of muskiness to it. A dull ache coursed through your head, causing you to curse. The light did no favours for your head either. You groaned; there was a bedside table with a few candles. A hint of vanilla wafted through the air as the flame flickered and danced. “Where the fuck am I?” You rubbed your eyes to wake yourself up even more before trying to escape wherever the fuck you had been taken to. A bandage was placed on the side of your head where that cop had struck you. Slinging one leg out you raised yourself out of bed, or tried to anyway. The sheets had wrapped itself around your legs and waist. Your left leg felt tingly and weak once you put your weight on it. “Oh fuck,” you yelped as you toppled onto the floor, smacking your nose in the process. A nice thudding sound followed at the impact. Great, now my kidnapper knows I'm definitely awake. It was nice living while it lasted, I guess. As if on cue hurried footsteps caught your attention. The sound traveled throughout the mysterious place and into the room you were currently in. As you tried to untangling your legs out of the cursed sheet, you noticed the mountains and mountains of books piled in the room. Several stacks were behind the bed and there were cases of them piled on the cold floor. 

Shaking your head out of your thoughts, you tried getting up again. However, your legs still refused to cooperate with you. The floor seemed to stare back at you mockingly as you caught yourself from kissing it. Huffing, you resorted to a military like crawl to get around. One arm forward, one leg forward, pull. Now, other arm… “I see you have awakened,” an amused voice said. There, stood your captor. V. You almost laughed at the pink frilly apron tied around his waist. Almost. You sent him a glare as he stood there, amused in the predicament you were in. “I didn’t notice. Where am I?” “My home. The Shadow Gallery,” V said as he extended his arm. “May I?” Sighing, you wrapped your fingers around his arm and let him pull you up. You clutched onto his arm tightly for support. Your knees started to shake and you prepared for them to buckle beneath you for the third goddamn time. “Oh great,” you huffed as you started to fall. You screwed your eyes shut, bracing for impact. It never came. Your eyes flew open and you stood there, confused. That’s when you realized what was supporting your waist. Who was supporting your waist. V’s arm had snaked around your waist and he pulled your side into him. He rested his mask atop your head, warmth radiating off of him. You could smell the musky scent of pine from the sheets as you inhaled. Cheeks singing with heat, you mumbled a “thanks.” “Of course, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself anymore,” he chuckled. You wanted to ignore the way his voice traveled down your spine and caused your belly to flutter.

“How long was I out for? I can’t really..walk.” “Yes I can see that,” he teased. “Roughly I’d say two days.”  Two days? Two fucking days?!  “How is your head,” V asked as he led you through the gallery. “Hurts,” you quipped, leaning on him for support. His arm was still wrapped around your waist. Not that you noticed. Several Statues and paintings filled the hall as he led you to..somewhere. You gaped in shock; famous paintings and sculptures that had been locked up were sitting here, in the Shadow Gallery. “Holy shit, V. These are..,” you guestered towards the contraband in front of you. “From the vaults of the Ministry of Objectionable Materials,” he finished for you. “How did you manage to steal them?” V chuckled, “Stealing implies ownership, you can’t steal from the censor, I merely reclaimed them.” You laughed, clever as always.

V led you to a small kitchen. A small table sat in the middle of it with the appliances behind it. Knick knacks and books filled the barren beige tiled walls. The Shadow Gallery had a homey feeling to it. Just looking at it made your heart warm. You sank into the chair V had sat you in. A couple books were open on the table along with a few newspapers strewn about. “TERRORIST DEAD!”, was one of the headlines of the paper. A picture of V’s masked face was printed, lying on the floor. You snickered. How stupid people had to be to believe that shit. “I apologize, I was going to tidy up before you woke.” You looked away from the clipping and smiled reassuringly. “It’s alright, V. Much cleaner than my apartment; there’s paint splattered everywhere and clothes around the floor.” “You enjoy painting?” His back was turned to you holding an egg. V cracked it somehow making cracking an egg elegant. It sizzled as it fell onto the pan. “Yea I do. I’m not the best but I love it. It helps me.” You watched V as he moved about the kitchen. 

His gracefulness never failed to astonish you. The spatula he was using caught the egg after he flipped it into the air. It made you smile as you watched him maneuver around the place. “Art is art. Whether or not the quality of it is excellent, it should speak what words cannot.” “Not sure you’d still say that once you looked at it,” you laughed. “I tend to make some weird things.” “I would like to see them one day, you have caught my interest,” V said, scooping the eggs on a plate. He placed a piece of toast on the plate and set it before you. That’s when you caught sight of his hands. They looked painful; they were an angry red and scars littered them. His hands looked incredibly rough and it looked like it hurt. Your heart hurt looking at them. “V,” you said softly, “are you okay?” His eyes caught the direction you were looking at. “Ah, excuse me.” He turned his back to you as he grabbed his gloves. The leather crinkled as he snapped them back on. “There, that’s better,” V said once he turned to you again, flexing his fingers as he held them in front of him. “Did you hurt your hands?” V didn’t say anything for a bit as he looked at his gloves. “Once, a long time ago. There was a fire. I’m fine now, thank you for your concern.”

The air felt tense between you two. V’s body language seemed uncomfortable at the mention of his hands, so you didn’t press any further. You dug into the egg in front of you;yolk poured out as you cut it. You hummed as you took a bite. “God, that’s good.” V chuckled, his shoulders relaxed once the topic of his skin was dropped. “Good,” he said, pouring tea into a cup. His hands were folded as he watched you munch on your toast. The taste of buttery goodness hit your tongue instantly. You looked at him shocked. “That’s...is that real butter?” “Yes, yes it is.” You stared at him, dumbfounded. “How did you..?” “A government supply train on its way to Chancellor Sutler.” Your brows shot up as you gaped at V. He said it so calmly like stealing from a dictator was a normal pastime. “You’re actually crazy. You stole..from Chancellor..Sutler..I..”

“I dare all that may become a man. Who dares more is none,” V quoted. Your brows furrowed  and your lips pulled into a frown at his words. What is he talking about? “I’m pretty sure I don’t understand that reference.” “Macbeth?” Your cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He probably thinks I’m an idiot. You shook your head and looked down at your food. “Not interested in the fine art of theatre?” You scarfed down your last bite of toast and egg, setting your fork down gently. If you weren’t starving you would be embarrassed of swallowing your food. V didn’t seem to mind anyways. 

“I enjoy seeing plays and things like that. I just never got the chance to read them.” You grabbed your plate and started to rise from your seat, but V stopped you. “I’ve got it Mademoiselle,” he said, grabbing your plate from your hands. “Thanks,” you replied, sitting back in your seat awkwardly. You twirled your thumbs to try and calm the butterflies in your stomach. You felt sick as you stood there. Would he be offended or embarrassed that you hadn’t studied theatre?  “I have a few of his works around the gallery, you’re more than welcome to read them if you’d like.” The sink spat out water. You watched V scrub your plate vigorously. You had to stop yourself from laughing as you realized he’d change his gloves again to rubber yellow ones. “I would, but it’s hard for me to understand what's going on. I probably sound stupid,” you muttered. V shook his head; his hair bouncing along with it. “Nonsense my dear; just because something is difficult does not make you stupid.” You snorted. V turned to you after putting your plate away. The look in your eyes looked faraway, and empty. Underlying it was sadness and a flicker of anger. “My dad would say differently. He was religious and batshit insane.” “What about your mother,” V asked, folding the kitchen towel and hanging it back on the stove. “Cancer took her. I don’t remember her at all.” “I’m sorry to hear that.” You shrugged, “Life moves on. What can you do.” V didn’t say anything. In fact, he didn’t know what to say. He had many skills, but comfort was one he lacked. You looked so bitter as you sat there, sipping your tea. “If you’d like, I’d be happy to read one of Macbeth’s plays to you,” V said gently. Surely, that would help take your mind off of things right? You grinned, ignoring the fluttering in your heart. A distraction was what you needed and V gave you just that. “Sure!”

[eksperimentgaj]

Day 6 - Have you ever been to a competition? If yes, describe a little your experience, if not, what competition would you like to attend?

So far I’ve been to Wisła (SGP 2017, SCoC 2019), Kranj (SCoC 2018), Oslo (SCoC 2018, WC 2019), Planica (WC 2019, was supposed to be there in 2020 as well, but corona happened  🙃), Szczyrk (ladies’ SCoC 2019) and Lahti (WC 2020).

Wisła in 2017 was the competition I chose to go quite spontaneously. It was only after half a season I was into ski jumping, didn’t really know anyone in the fandom. I managed to convince my brother and friend (who is not really into sports) to go with me. I hope they had a good time 😀

In Wisła we’ve met few people (with whom I sadly have no contact, I’m not good at this 😟) to fangirl with. Got to sing national anthem twice, as team Poland and Dawid Kubacki won the team and individual comps 😀 One thing I remember very clearly from after the quails, when I lost my group and was trying to locate them, saw two girls taking a photo together next to me. After a moment I realized they were not two girls, it was a girl and Anders Fannemel 😅 Well, I judged from height only 🙃

I’m glad it was not too hot, considering it was July.

old phone, sorry for shit quality

Kranj 2018 was the first time I was flying a plane ever and also my first time traveling abroad alone. Already in Slovenia I met two girls from tumblr sj fandom. I got to see the town, which is very charming and the hill (obviously first journey destination, when I had some time alone). The comps itself made me fell in love with CoC, such a nice atmosphere, ski jumpers walking among the crowd and easily accessible. Oh, and I’m visible on a transmission from that comp 😂 Before going to Slovenia, I had to buy a new phone, as in Wisła the old one trolled me with its battery and turned off in the middle of a qualis, when I was taking photos 🙃 Funny thing was that in between the rounds there was a little archery contest for chosen fans from the crowd watching competition. And, considering it was CoC, there were quite a lot of people. You can really tell that Slovenians enjoy sj.

Also. Locate Domen’s car 😂

 Going to CoC in Oslo in September of 2018 was possible thanks to the fact we were already visiting family’s friend who lives in Norway (yes, I suggested the date, luckily it was also this weekend the plane tickets were cheaper). Only saw one comp, on Saturday. Sadly we missed girls jumping, as we needed like 3 hours to get to Oslo and it was simply too early (instead I followed text transmission while on a train to Oslo). When we arrived to Midtstuen station, obviously we took wrong route to the hill and somehow, through the woods, got to the smaller hills 😂 Anyway, we found the right hill quickly. The comp was not attracting almost any interest at all. Apart from my brother and me, ski jumpers and their families, there were barely a few people. Sometimes bikers would stop and watch for a moment but as the water break start, they would go. The barriers were prepared but not used at all, you could just walk wherever and nobody seemed to care. Nice. The café did not sell all the coffee and waffles they had prepared, so this lady was walking between  people and offering them for free 😀 I cannot eat waffles and my brother didn’t want any (why?) so we politely declined.

It was the first comp of Andreas Stjernen after an injury break, he did nice finishing third. And also gave me a weird look when I was shouting something in Polish to my brother, as he passed me by 😂 I got to see flower ceremony standing right next to Joakim Aune 🤩 And by a coincidence, during the second round we stood behind Marius Lindvik’s… family, I guess? Daniel was there too, not jumping himself but cheering on the ones who did.

WC in Oslo in 2019 I described earlier. I can add that on Saturday there was a snowfall since morning, I’ve almost froze my fingers off (stupidly sensitive hands). Also – seeing a bunch of Norwegians traveling at 9 am to watch cross-country skiing, leaving metro station and already getting drunk, dancing to party music being blasted out of the nearby windows – quite something.

photo from Sunday, with metro station mentioned

Planica 2019 was my very first time seeing ski flying live! Again with Slovenian crew. But because I’m an idiot who did not book place to stay at early enough, had to travel to Kranjska Gora every day from Kranj (like an hour and a half with a bus if I remember correctly) 🙃 Missed evening attractions of Kranjska that way 😅 But back to sj, got to see some really nice flights, personal best results, Ryoyu’s record of Letalnica (holy shit, the excitement that went through the crowd!), last jump of Robert Kranjec’s career (one of childhood faves ❤️),  team Poland’s first ski flying win, Žiga Jelar playing with his band and much more 😀 From personal experience I don’t recommend forgetting sunscreen to Planica. Ended up with sunburn in a shape of sunglasses and a beanie 🙃 And I was really surprised how hot it was in full sun on the stands. It truly turned from snowy winter on Thursday to full spring on Sunday. Felt like spending two seasons there in just four days 😀

 CoCs in Szczyrk and Wisła in 2019 were basically joint events, same week in two nearby towns. First day I went to girls’ event alone, on the next Julia @lewanarta​ joined me. And what sort of sj trip would that be without a fuck up by me? This time, apart from not having courage to approach Virág, who jumped in Szczyrk twice to fifth place (pleasure to see), I could not watch last jumps of second comp and flower ceremony because at the time I was throwing up in the toilet of a bar by the hill 🙃 Took wrong backpack in which I had no painkillers and got surprised by period 🙃🙃🙃 But until that, watching jumpers from the so called ‘river tribune’ was a very pleasant experience.

Also hill in Szczyrk is the very first I was to (and at), in 2005, before it was rebuild to its current state.

Having in memory SGP in Wisła two years earlier, the chill CoC comp without crowds was a nice change. Obviously, it’s Poland, there were still people, but not as many. First day was rainy… But only between rounds and after a comp. And as always, my job was following the comp with text transmission on my phone, while Julia was asking for autographs and taking photos 😀 I’m always trying to follow results during watching live, but it’s almost impossible with all these distractions 😅 And how nice it is to finish day spent on watching ski jumping live with watching ski jumping on tv – Courchevel was the same day 😀

 And finally WC Lahti 2020, the last thing before everything went nuts because of corona. Again with Julia, we’ve planned for a while to go to Finland. First sj related experience we had still in Warsaw – it turned out we’re on the same flight as team Poland. Later, at Helsinki airport, we’ve waited for a bag together with Norwegian xcs and noco teams as well 😀 we’ve been at the Lahti Ski Games since very morning as I wanted to see noco sj part, so we’ve had plenty of time to see the place, small hills, tracks, big hills… Surprisingly, there was no snow, apart from the artificial one produced for the events. Local people seemed a little bit sad because it’s usually naturally snowy around the time of Lahti Ski Games. It also turned out that we were to the 1000th individual comp in World Cup’s history. We’ve met Finnish Tumblr crew and I had an unexpected encounter as among them was a girl that I’ve briefly met in Wisła in 2017! World is a small place, isn’t it? And at the end we’ve had photo together with God of Wind himself. Last occasion, couldn’t let it pass. Oh, and I got a bouquet from flower ceremony 😀 No idea whose, it was given to me by Austrian staff member after team comp 😅

Uf. That was a long one. Congrats and thanks if you’ve read it all ❤️ I’m physically unable to write ‘a little’ 😅

[filthyjanuary]

I've never seen an episode of supernatural all I see is what's on your blog and each and every day I become more confused about the writing of the show and why people enjoy it :l

okay well first off i am SO sorry you have to see me like this jknbuvgyuhjn i cannot believe im spnblogging in 2020 like im 15 again but things happen i guess.

second of all, the thing to know about supernatural is.... i think, for general audiences, it is an average-to-good show. it's not Bad. It's not Beloved and/or Acclaimed. objectively, i think is also probably the most balanced view of the show and is also probably what the cw and/or people who worked on the show see it as. it lasted 15 years because it consistently pulled in reliable numbers for the cw and grabbed a lot of demographics. like i know the tumblr bubble skews perceptions but, people of all ages, genders, sexualities watched and enjoyed supernatural, yes even to the very end. most people are also not looking at supernatural with the hyperfocused lens that tumblr is and that’s like... okay. those fans aren’t any less relevant or important. if only tumblr was watching supernatural, i promise it would’ve been cancelled like at least 7 years ago.

the spn *fandom* is interesting because like one, no one is watching the same fucking show. like we all watched the same episodes but like this fandom cant even agree on like...basic facets of canon, let alone digging into complex meta. people’s views of characters actions and motivations skew wildly. things one side of the fandom considers nearly canon are like essentially viewed as ooc on other sides of the fandom. you love and hate all the characters and everyone is always about to start swinging on everyone else. you have to simultaneously juggle the ideas that the writers — and for the record this show has had four showrunners and like a billion individual writers who all see and interpret it slightly differently — are brilliant and the writers legitimately are both stupid and bad at their jobs. you have to turn your brain off in terms of continuity because they retcon their own lore every 15 seconds. this isn’t even getting into the ship wars, the boundary crossing, the weird invasiveness , etc., etc., etc. supernatural’s writing is sometimes incredible, sometimes terrible, but generally pretty average, but it had a charm (ESPECIALLY IN SEASONS 1-3) that reeled you in, even if you hated the genre.

when a show is on this long, i think the fans (rightly so) will look back and dig in and get nitpicky on things they wish were covered with more care. things that the show obviously did not decide to write with the intention of addressing/grappling with later on. case in point: dean’s drinking habits. with the exception of like... season 7 where they DO address it, dean drinks a lot as a feature of his character with little to no consequence. he doesn’t get drunk. he’s always driving. it might as well be water. the writers don’t intend for that to be more than just a facet of what makes him a rough and tough action hero even though logically, he should be drunk all the time. even w/ interviews w/ the cast/crew, it’s clear the writers don’t think the fans will care and/or notice a lot of things. they do, because well, they’re invested. the fandom extrapolates because that’s what fandom does, but i really don’t think the writers connect those dots because dean’s drinking /isn’t/ a problem until they need it to be. because spn has gone on so long, it has more instances of things like this than other shows, and our cultural contexts have also evolved a lot along the way from 2005 to 2020. so again, there’s a lot to work with. i don’t really think that’s so much a reflection of the quality of the show than it is a reflection of how long it’s been on and the way society has changed since then. dean not knowing what myspace is is funny for two completely different reasons in 2005 and in 2020, for example.

my own personal opinion is, there’s a lot to enjoy about supernatural. seasons 1-5 are legitimately good tv. for all their flaws, they have a very clear aesthetic and tell a story that is well-structured and relatively coherent in terms of themes and continuity. they set up complex characters and relationships and everyone’s motivations make sense and that arc wraps on a tragic but ultimately narratively consistent and thus fulfilling point. of course, there’s stuff i personally like and dislike but separating my emotions from it, it’s very good. i think if anything, i would recommend anyone watch those five seasons and then decide whether they want to continue or not. if you don’t, you’ll end on a note that feels complete. it’s what i’m doing w/ my friend elaine, currently, actually. if she decides she wants to continue after 5, we’ll do that, but for now we’re just vibing in season 1. after that point, i think if you decide you care enough about the characters to push through wildly inconsistent writing, there’s stuff to enjoy in seasons 6-15, but the quality and particularly the consistency dips and this is also where the retconning really starts to...intensify. it’s also where the mythos of supernatural grows bigger than the show itself, which i think was always supernatural’s downfall. the crew started caring more about the whims of the fandom and frankly the fandom became more of the story than the show, and that’s how you get people piecing together what supernatural is based on out of context gifsets that skew perceptions wildly and get Supernatural Fandom™ which... frankly, in my opinion, changed fandom culture as a whole for the worse, like yes it’s a huge, powerful and often memeable behemoth but also... the way it changed creator-fan interactions is something we’re going to be unpacking for a long time. i think had the writers tuned out fandom wars and internet yelling and strived to tell a story that made sense and was well constructed to /them/, we wouldn’t be here and seasons 6-15 could’ve found a way to be as beloved as the first third of the show. i’m personally of the opinion that being a fan of something, for better or for worse, does not entitle you to part of it’s creative process. it doesn’t become a collaboration, and the door is always there if you get to the point where you want to leave. i think supernatural getting too caught up in its own fandom and balancing all these conflicting interests is ultimately what made the last 10 seasons, and particularly the back third of the show oftentimes flounder. the finale chaos, in my opinion, happened because they tried to please everyone by keeping too many things vague so people would have room to play in their own sandboxes and round out the story the way they wanted to see it and thus ultimately, a lot of things were left in the air and so for many people, the closure they were hoping for just wasn’t there.

i dont know how this became a long and scattered collection of thoughts but tldr, people enjoy supernatural because at the end of the day, it’s an enjoyable show and i think the more you stew in a fandom bubble, there’s more to get worked up about. which is fine. i like that fandom engages in complex conversations that the show won’t grapple with, but that’s not for everyone and i don’t think the fact that we have these conversations is necessarily an indictment of the show’s overall quality.

[theseerasures]

Conspicuous Media Consumption, 2020

it’s that time of year again! *saddest toot from the party horn*

for those of you just joining us: it’s a “consume a different content every week for 48 weeks of the year” challenge. for a longer explanation, check out last year’s write-up here, and as always, feel free to pop in and ask questions about any and all of this content.

(same disclaimer as last year too: content for this project ONLY here, and not certain...*looks at my billion Sad Cop Lady posts*...hyperfixations.)

(man remember when i was big into X-Men comics earlier this year? better times than these, if only because no one's discoursing about Emma Frost’s woobie/war criminal ratio anymore--her w/w, if you will)

(...i swear at one point i didn’t exclusively like platinum blondes but alas)

Bitter Root (comic, 1 issue finished 1/1/2020): still very cool on a basic concept level, but runs into the Image Comics problem of just not having enough content to keep my interest beyond that. part of that is on me, for picking it up again BEFORE the second arc rolled out, but the first five issues didn’t really follow (or resolve) any cohesive story either, so...meh.

Immortal Hulk (comic, 3 trades finished 1/17/2020): still not gonna be something i care deeply about (maybe one of Bruce’s Hulksonas dyed his hair???), but i do want to give kudos to Al Ewing for sheer consistency in terms of sustaining this level of quality storytelling month by month for more than two years now. working with the dense archive of the Hulk mythos and managing to make it interesting and thoughtful is impressive even if i personally would not expend the same effort.

Disco Elysium (game, finished 1/18/2020): honestly i should have twigged onto what this year was gonna be like when the third thing i drew from the barrel was pure uncut Eastern European flavored depression. i faintly recall people ragging on it for being pretentiously cynical, but i actually thought its core slid more towards idealism than people give it credit for. also gratified that i haven’t heard anything about Robert Kurvitz using slave labor to finish it, which is a thing we have to say about our video games now!!! fun.

Watchmen (TV, 7 episodes finished 1/27/2020): i am a fool who wants to believe in Damon Lindelof and I WAS RIGHT!!! honestly still cannot believe that he pulled off this highwire act with such deft aplomb. might be my favorite TV this year, which is a pretty high bar given how much TV i ended up watching.

On a Sunbeam (comic, finished 2/1/2020): Tillie Walden rightly deserves all the praise for inventive queer storytelling, but i will say that on reread--since i first read this as a webcomic--there ARE some issues with pacing here that clearly come from the foibles of its original intended medium. still just excellent, even if after some plot significant haircuts i was having trouble telling a few folks apart.

Lazarus (comic, 1 trade finished 2/8/2020): it’s so good and i want moooooorrrreee--though obviously Rucka and Lark have the right to take all the time they need. the newer longer issues work really well with the epic prestige drama vibes of the story! i’m into it.

The Good Place (TV, 4 seasons finished 2/18/2020): i’m gonna be super honest: i actually wasn’t a big fan of the finale, nor the last season as a whole. it felt like all of Eleanor’s flaws vanished for a majority of the season, and the Chidi-centric episode where they tried to give a legible justification for why he’s Like This was...i didn’t care for it. still, it’s so good and unique on the WHOLE that we’ll literally never get anything like this ever again, and that counts for a lot.

The Old Republic (game, finished 2/21/2020): it’s an MMO so it will never actually Be Finished so long as the servers aren’t shut down, but i caught up on the content i’d missed in the intervening months. Onslaught thus far has mostly been...kinda bland tbh; going back to Imps vs. Rebs after all the shakeups in the previous expansions feels like a waste.

High Road (album, finished 2/22/2020): someone should tell Kesha not to say that word!! otherwise i was very happy with this album, and happy FOR her even though we don’t know each other. being able to find joy again in the same genre of music you made while you were being horrifically exploited is very cool.

Young Justice (TV, 13 episodes finished 2/28/2020): given how much the middle stuff dragged--STOP KILLING YOUR HIJABI CHARACTER IN HORRIFIC WAYS--i was...actually kinda mad by how the end managed to stick the landing anyway. the day being saved by Vic’s self-acceptance and Violet’s sublime compassion was A+, and even the Brion/Tara switchup was a pleasant surprise, though it relied on me caring about Brion MUCH MORE than i actually did.

Manic (album, finished 2/29/2020): do people still care for/about Halsey? i feel like even That One Song that was on every tumblr gifset ever has kinda faded into obscurity at this point. this album was...okay. i feel like people give Halsey a pass for extremely obvious lyrical turns that they wouldn’t for other folks because of her subject material--which is fine. not really my cup of tea, but i also listened to lots of Relient K this year, so that’s probably a good thing.

Jade Empire (game, 3/10/2020): the only 3D-era Bioware game that didn’t franchise out, and for good fucking reason!!! the Orientalism and appropriation really haven’t aged well, and even beyond that the story was...standard Bioware faire. even my usual “my wife’s a bitch i love her” Bioware type didn’t do it for me, and i just ended up romancing no one. it did make me think a lot about what level of cultural borrowing is accepted nowadays, and why: people still look fondly at Avatar and talk about how ~accurate and respectful it was, for example, despite it being staffed almost entirely by white folks, and the Orientalism ALL OVER the monk class in DND is still fine for some reason.

Alif the Unseen (book, finished 3/31/2020): interesting to have read this AFTER reading The Bird King last year, because it highlights how the intervening years have shifted G. Willow Wilson’s thematic interest and improved her craft. i’m actually quite fond of how her characterization work is rougher here--Alif is extremely flawed to the point of being insufferable, but it makes his development by the end more satisfying. Dina is also just good and i love her

Baldur’s Gate (2 games, finished 5/31/2020): well, having finally finished the series i’m happy to say that it...still doesn’t really do it for me, sorry. any awesome story moments were overshadowed by the EXCRUCIATING inventory management system and the combat (i still don’t know what a THAC0 is and at this point i’m afraid to find out). these games crucially lack the Home Base that later Bioware games were so good about, and that (coupled with the huge cast of characters you can drop off and never see again) really hurts the intimacy for me. by the time we finally did get one it was the Hell Dimension in Throne of Bhaal, and i was just...trying to get through it. (yes, i did just say that about one of the most beloved expansions ever to one of the most beloved games ever.) THIS particular iteration of “my wife’s a bitch i love her” was very good, but the game wouldn’t let me romance her :(

The Underground Railroad (book, finished 6/19/2020): honestly what is there even left to say at this point! it was exactly as good as every critic on the planet said it was, even with my usual aversion to hype. draining and horrifying in turns but still insistent upon a future for Black folks.

Steven Universe (6 seasons and a mooooooviiieeee, finished 7/11/2020): yes, i DID finish the show and almost immediately begin a rewatch. this series is now one of my top five most formative things, and the amount of love and respect i have for it is incalculable. that said: i once again did not love how the central conflict of Future was resolved (just the resolution--i loved the finale just fine). for all of Steven’s breakdown was built up, resolving it with “EVERYONE HUG HIM UNTIL HE CRIES” felt...cheap, especially since up until this point the show had been so good about treating trauma and mental illness with the respect and nuance it deserves. it made me wish some of the earlier, less substantial episodes had been cut so we could spend more time at the end.

What It Is (comic, finished 8/19/2020): y’all i love Lynda Barry SO MUCH. for the longest time i was worried that One Hundred Demons was more a lightning in a bottle situation but every book of hers i pick up makes me feel obscure emotions i didn’t even realize existed. the compassionate way she’s able to describe her child self and how weird and fucked up she was (and still is) is honestly aspirational.

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (TV, 5 seasons finished 9/26/2020): so here’s a reversal of what i’ve been complaining about with other shows: i was mostly lukewarm-to-warm about She-Ra, but the later seasons and the finale made me much more into it as a whole. more shows should improve in stakes and overall quality as they age tbh!! i still don’t actively love Catradora (my sole quibble with season 5 actually has to do with the way Adora kept backsliding as a character to make certain Plot/Relationship things happen), but i’m very happy for them nonetheless. i can certainly appreciate a show that will go for High Feeling over tight plot. dark horse standout moments: trees growing everywhere proving that Perfuma Was Right, and Hordak and Adora seeing each other--that weirdly intimate moment of recognition.

Fetch the Bolt Cutters (album, finished 10/7/2020): again i find myself not having much to say that no one else has said. it’s good! once again love it when an artist reclaims something they’d attached with negative affect (anxiety, depression, disordered eating) for better and brighter things.

Solutions and Other Problems (comic, finished 10/25/2020): i was very into Allie Brosh’s ambition with this book, which feels weird to say but i stand by it. it’s cool to see an artist try to make a new medium work for them instead of just sticking to what already works. not all the experimentation was 100% effective, but it was still delightful and occasionally devastating to read, so.

Legend of Zelda (3 games: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, Link Between Worlds, finished 11/1/2020): this was the third time i’d played Ocarina of Time, which made it the nice, comforting groove i settled into before Majora’s Mask blatted me in the face. i’m not usually a completionist Zelda person because...the gameplay in Zelda is bad, do not at me it just is, but i really felt like i HAD to be one for Majora’s Mask since the whole point is to get attached to the banalities of the town. i’m sure nobody’s surprised that i loved it, even if it gave me an existential crisis about how life goes on in the game for NPCs when you’re not there to save them from it, and there’s not enough time to save them all all the time (also not a surprise to anyone: Romani and Cremia gave Personal Feelings). Link Between Worlds...bad. not like in a “this is a bad story by every measurable gauge” way, but i was already struggling with the 2D playstyle shift enough that for the whole story to end with some “yes it’s v sad that Lorule is Like This but trying to steal Hyrule’s privilege is Even Worse Actually” noblesse oblige bullshit left a VERY poor taste in my mouth, this year of all years. i did audibly gasp when Ravio took off his mask, though. i’m currently playing Breath of the Wild in cautious increments; it’s the first time i’ve enjoyed early Zelda gameplay, but if they wanted fully voiced cutscenes i wish they got voice actors who...knew what words sound like.

folklore (album, finished 11/6/2020): my belief that Taylor Swift is Just Fine continues, i’m afraid. i LIKED this album, don’t get me wrong, and respect her constant drive to innovate, but i didn’t love it substantially more or less than any other Taylor Swift album. mostly i’m just tickled by how she thinks leaning into the indie aesthetic means borrowing Vita Sackville-West’s entire wardrobe, though i will admit to feeling Something when she swore in a song. i think it was like. savage vindication?? you go ahead and swear, Taylor Swift. you deserve it.

Shore (album, finished 11/19/2020): do people still care about the Fleet Foxes? i think there was some Drama with Josh Tillman a while back but i don’t remember where the discourse landed with who was being more problematic. it was nostalgic for me to listen to their new album--made me remember being an undergrad who exclusively listened to men who mumbled and played acoustic guitar all over again.

Star Wars (3 movies: original trilogy, finished 11/27/2020): there is So Much bad Star Wars these days that every time i rewatch the original trilogy i’m afraid that they will suddenly be bad, but guess what! they’re not. i love these children and their hot mess stories, i love that Lando doesn’t know how to say his best friend’s name. what stood out to me this time was the way Obi-Wan described the Force in A New Hope, which strongly implied that ANYONE can be Force Sensitive; that obviously faded with each subsequent movie, but part of me does wish they’d kept it.

X of Swords (comics, 22 issues finished 12/5/2020): i am enjoying Hickman’s X-lines!!! not so much here for the Grand Conspiracy or whatever, but the character work and highkey weirdness is fabulous--they FEEL like X-Men, despite all the shakeups in-universe. this crossover is a nice microcosm of all that: grandiloquently all over the place, but still full of cool standout moments and genuine hilarity. ILLYANA DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL MAGIC.

Fire Emblem (4 games: Sacred Stones, Path of Radiance, Radiant Dawn, Awakening, finished 12/14/2020): this was the thing that i was closest to giving up early on, but i ended up hyperfixating on it instead. that’s a credit to what the gameplay does to my lizard brain more than anything else, because the story and character writing is...insipid. it was very bizarre to witness this franchise blunder around with its animal-people racism allegory around the same time i was getting back into RWBY, and ITS animal-people racism allegory blunders. Awakening was the first time i felt anything for the franchise beyond “teehee red units disappear make exp bar go up and brain go ding,” so i’m excited for more mature storytelling in subsequent games (they MUST get better. they MUST). the child husbandry thing is...very bad tho, and Apotheosis being “challenging” entirely through the game changing all the rules is also bad.

once again no vidya games that came out this year--i’ll probably pick up Spiritfarer or Hades after the New Year, though (or maybe TLOU II! but probably not. sry Laura and Ashley). more TV and franchises this year, which made me feel In Touch with the Children but was also kinda exhausting. nothing was so egregiously terrible i dropped it without finishing! in a year like this that feels almost like an accomplishment

[desirableendings]

Cancel culture

I’m so upset right now. I’m gonna try to put my thoughts in a coherent form but I’m afraid I won’t be completely capable.

This is about cancel culture and about how unhealthy and toxic it is both in the realm of cancelling people and cancelling works of fiction.

This is about in particular two situations that triggered this reaction on me that I consider both really dangerous, and though both probably came from an initial place of worry and accountability what they both achieved was the opposite.

I also come to tumblr, where probably almost no one will read me, but where I know cancel culture it’s more in hype. This is why I want this text to be on my blog, for anyone that follows me and anyone that might come after to see.

I’ll start with the problem of cancelling fiction. Because there’s a difference between being critic and wanting something to disappear from the face of the earth and fall into oblivion. You might think I’m exaggerating or using hyperbole to establish an argument, but I’m not. Cancel culture fueled by rage doesn’t look for reparation, doesn’t look for growth, doesn’t look for real accountability it looks to burn and destroy. Cancel culture it’s fueled by shame because those who foment it cannot stand something problematic to exist, but even worse cannot stand that to exist within them. Now tell me, how is this not close to burning books, something most conservative cultures have done several times when disagreeing with a particular posture or when fearful of the reaches of fiction to critical and open minded thinking. 

Fiction is not there to paint you pretty worlds in which every single character it’s perfect for you, fiction it’s not there to be morally acceptable to you, fiction is not there to rewrite history and tell you an unproblematic version of it. Fiction is there to be read critically, to be interpreted, to be questioned and to question as well, that’s why it is highly feared by dictatorships and extreme governments. You read something (and by this I mean book, tv show, movie, audio, ANY type of fiction that its read when its interpreted) and you can point its flaws, see its blind spots, learn from its characters and then maybe get inspired and write something that speaks more closely to you. What cancel culture does, though, is not even read it critically, but just throw it to the fire pit and watch it burn while warning anyone else to not ever read it again, not form your own opinions, not create new critics, NOT held it accountable, because how can someone hold something accountable without having the chance of reading it? No, just ignore it, forget it, burn it, because it’s problematic.

My example for this is Hamilton. I’ve been hearing for ages that it has become problematic and thus it should be canceled, but until now I haven’t been able to reach the arguments behind it. But of course with the whole release from Disney everything exploded, and by everything I mean a weird mixture between the people that want to cancel Lin Manuel Miranda and the ones that want to cancel Hamilton, and the ones that mix both and conclude the best way of doing it it’s canceling Hamilton first. For the sake of this argument I will focus only in the canceling of Hamilton which gets based in four principal arguments: 1. It portrays as main characters problematic people who were real life slavers, and shows them instead as the heroes founding fathers of the USA, without addressing their problems one by one. 2. Lin Manuel Miranda’s relationship with Puerto Rico, Puerto Rico’s policies and the way he brought Hamilton to Puerto Rico. 3. Some well done critical articles that don’t cancel either, but rather present what happened and what both Lin Manuel Miranda and Hamilton should be held accountable critically, but instead are used to cancel both of them. 4. The fact that Alexander Hamilton, the real figure, it’s portrayed free of charge of also engaging in problematic behaviors specially those related to slavery and the creation of banks and kind of the capitalist culture of the US.

Now, in the sake of criticism and holding things accountable but NOT cancelling them, let’s address each one by one: 1. Hamilton its based in real people that were problematic, and slavers and racist, BUT that also coincidentally fought for the independence of the US and were the founding fathers, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You can cancel them and want to forget they existed but the truth is that the US it’s what it is because of them and their actions, and actually most of today’s issues with race and capitalism are because of that history, and until we all accept the US comes from that we wont be able to change it and move on, REMEMBERING were it came from. Believe me, being a person of color that comes from colonialism and that had to come to the hard truth that I am what I am because of the people that came and killed and raped and stole, and that I even carry part of their blood because most latin American population is mixed race, and that just is what it is, I understand how hard but necessary this process is. Do I think Christopher Colombus should be praised each year and celebrated in statues all across the world? HELL NO, do I think we should all kill him in our memories forever and cancel him? HELL NO, because I come from that, it’s part of who I am, and I’ll remember him, but holding him accountable for the genocide and exploitation of the land and people of America, and for in the end forming part of the mixed race I belong to. Denying or canceling this or him would be canceling a part of myself that I HAVE TO LIVE WITH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. So, yes. The founding fathers were problematic, hell yeah, they were racist as well, but the musical Hamilton addresses this in some ways that the story Lin Manuel Miranda is trying to tell allows, without only focusing on it because that’s one of its flaws we have to hold the musical accountable for even if its out of the reach of the musical. What the musical actually DOES is that it casts people of color in their roles as a criticism and a way of saying that the US of now is not the white US they were trying to make back then, and that the power should shift, and OF COURSE he is criticizing slavery not only by the verses in the Cabinet Battle that everyone seemed to conveniently forget, but also in this subversion of casting and the way he decided to tell this very traditional part of history through RAP, a genre that comes and its largely belonging to black culture. This is actually a clever way of holding a history you cannot change, accountable for its previous violences, and also calling out current violences that people will only come to notice by watching the musical and questioning themselves about why they expect other cast, music and history, and that’s all in the nuances you can only get from READING through it. 

While we are at it let’s address point 4: I don’t know which musical these people has been seeing but Hamilton is hardly a saint, neither presented as one, in the musical, he is a tragic character at best, he has a lot of qualities but these same qualities are the ones that condemn him to disgrace and ultimately early death. But he is mostly shown as a human, and I honestly don’t know in which part of cancel culture “human” started being equivalent to pure and free of charge but that’s far from it. Human means conscious, capable of mistakes and capable of causing hurt, but also capable of growing and reparation that heals oneself and others. Do I wished the musical would have been more critical of the way Hamilton introduced a capitalist culture as the best one and the way he criticized slavery but did nothing about it personally... yes, but the only way I can make this criticism and hold it accountable is because I watch and listened to it, took the good and identified the bad, and recognized both.

The second and third point have absolutely nothing to do with the musical whatsoever, but with its creator and the poor interpretation of proper criticism. And thus is that what should be held accountable, Lin Manuel Miranda as a person, and the situations that happened related to him and his decisions. Now, about the link of profit and “supporting” Hamilton, by all means don’t do this if you think him and the people involved (because a musical it’s never done by just one person), doesn’t deserve it. I, for one, I’m certain that Disney does not need or deserve a single dollar more, they are quite rich already. But not watching Hamilton when its eventually published in Disney + is miles away from erasing Hamilton from existing, not listening to its songs and forgetting about it because it is problematic. These last things are the equivalent of burning it, and I recommend listening to the song Burn from the same musical to learn about what fire does to words.

Now, the problem of cancelling people. If in fiction cancelling it’s equivalent to burning books in human beings its equivalent to murder, and I’m not exaggerating here either, because it is. And again here there’s a difference between holding people accountable for their mistakes and just erasing them from the face of the earth because they fucked up. And here the same problem as before stands, if you cancel them you are also taking away the opportunity of holding them accountable, because if there’s no one there to listen, then why would they even bother saying sorry and trying to fix their wrongs. Basically, cancelling people not only murders them but also gives them a free pass to be someone else and not repair those they hurt with their problematic behavior before. Like, what the fuck do you think happens in peace treaties after wars and process of reparation and restitution are in place? THE OPPOSITE OF CANCEL CULTURE. In reparation processes after a lot of violence has been done to victims, the process is to listen and hear words of repentance, that help victims heal and forgive, so BOTH parts can continue living a better life. Because turns out in the end we are all human beings that want to live and continue to live and we only get ONE life to do so, and if you take the chance for a person to live their lives, then how is that not taking also their lives away? How is not giving the possibility of growth and forgiveness not burning them alive, as if you get to choose over their future??

My example for this case is Jenna Marbles, and how ridiculous and upsetting is that people really wanted to cancel her from mistakes she made AGES ago, that she clearly grew from, as it’s evident from the person she is now and her everyday current actions, and also from the way she is clearly ashamed and upset about it, as it’s clear from the fact she had private the offensive videos so people didn’t reach them and get hurt by them. Jenna is a human being, that’s also clearly hurt by what she did but mostly from the fact that no matter what you do, how you repair, how you grow, the internet is fixated in letting you drown in your mistakes forever, and I’m sorry but how is that not killing someone and not letting them live their life to be a better person? How is that not as problematic as the so judged original behaviors?

In the end I just want for all of us to stop being so hypocritical at aiming judgements and cancelations at everyone else before looking at ourselves, our own violences and problems and understanding if we could grow and be critical of them to continue living, then so can others.

How about we let them do so.

[artificialqueens]

nobody knows where we might end up, chapter eighteen (branjie) - holtzmanns

(read on ao3) | (tumblr: plastiquetiaras) | word count: 4710

AN: The penultimate chapter - it’s hard to believe that this fic will be over by next week. This fic has really pushed me with plot development and storytelling, and I’m so grateful for it. Enjoy this doozy of a chapter. Thank you all for the sweet sweet feedback and reviews, they truly motivate me so much and make me so happy. Writ is the best beta one could ask for <3

(then)

It’s just a Skype interview.

Vanessa can do it.

A Skype interview. She doesn’t have to fly to California or anything for it, either. She just has to wear a nice button down shirt and a blazer, do her makeup and sit in front of the webcam on her computer to try and impress an admissions committee approximately four thousand kilometers and three timezones away.

She’s more confident this time around. The humming in her veins is less so that of nerves about embarrassing herself, and more so her brain running through possible questions that she’s already practiced, her potential answers already rolling off her tongue.

Vanessa’s done this once already. She’s been through this process.

This time, she’s going to do it right.

She doesn’t have to worry about being interrupted, either. The kitties are asleep on the bed and Riley’s resting by her feet, and Brooke, well…

Vanessa doesn’t know where Brooke is. Probably class? Maybe the library?

There’s a tiny voice in Vanessa’s brain that reminds her of how her and Brooke always used to be hung up on each other, even when they were busy. Constantly texting, sending each other funny pictures from things they encountered on campus. The way that Vanessa would always snap a photo of the weird foods the guy in front of her in organic chemistry would always bring to lecture, just to brighten Brooke’s day while she was stuck in her human biology lab.

Hell, the last person she’s texted is her mom. Before that, Silky. Before that, A’keria.

She hasn’t texted Brooke since three days ago when Brooke told her to clean out the fridge when she had time.

Vanessa doesn’t need Brooke for this interview. She doesn’t need any help in preparing, she’s done it herself.

And she’s going to keep doing it, too. Because she’s strong enough, smart enough, if the last year has taught her anything.

If it doesn’t work?

Well, there’s always nursing school.

“Thank you, Vanessa. It’s been wonderful talking with you and hearing your perspective, especially from the lens of being part of our neighbours to the north, with a differing healthcare system. You absolutely possess qualities that we value in prospective students.” The woman from the panel on Vanessa’s screen sounds happy, actually happy, and Vanessa has to press her palms onto her knees to keep herself from pumping her first.

She’s done well. First interview of many, and she’s done well.

It feels like retribution. Like she’s reclaiming what’s been taken from her, but doing it with her own spin. Making her mark. Staking her claim on what she’s been working so hard towards.

Vanessa’s going to get it. One way or another, she’s going to start med school in the fall.

She looks underneath the couch cushions, trying to find her cellphone. She’s gotta call her mom, tell her that she did well, that things are finally, finally coming together. If she’s done well with this Skype interview, who’s to say that she won’t with the interviews in person at all the Ontario universities? Vanessa feels like the Skype interview has given her a boost of confidence, pulling her off of the ground and towards the ceiling that’s been holding her back. And now, she’s going to break through it.

Vanessa grumbles when Riley gets up from his spot on the floor, because of course her phone had fallen on the ground earlier and he’d been sitting on it the entire time. Typical.

Her phone is already up to her ear and ringing when the front door bursts open, and there Brooke is, waltzing in and dropping her bag in the entrance and opening the fridge while…some strangers wait in the doorway?

Vanessa hangs up as Brooke turns to her, biting into an apple. “Oh, hey. Came to drop stuff out before heading out again.”

Vanessa wrinkles her brow. “Where are you-”

“The second year med students are planning some prank on the third years, apparently. Supposed to happen soon. We’re gonna go watch.” Brooke throws out the apple core as she finishes it, turning back towards the people at the door still shouldering their own backpacks.

“You ain’t even gonna introduce everyone?” So what if it comes out saltier than Vanessa intends it to be? It’s been a semester and a half that Brooke’s been in med school and Vanessa feels like that part of her life is completely separate, untouchable to her.

“Oh.” Brooke pauses. “Well. Steve, Jon, Aurora, Courtney. In that order. Everyone, this is Vanessa.”

The guy farthest on the right (Jon? Steve? Vanessa’s missed it), his arm around the guy beside him, lets out a noise that makes the normally loud Vanessa want to plug her own ears. “You! You’re Brooke’s girlfriend!”

“The one and only.” Or so Vanessa hopes. Not that she wants to go down that spiral.

“Honestly, we were beginning to think that you didn’t exist, from the way we’ve never seen you.”

“I may as well not.” Vanessa mutters it under her breath, so that they don’t hear. As much as she’d love to start shit right now and as much as she loves mess, she’s not gonna stoop low.

“Well, come along with Brooke to our library study sessions sometime. We get stuff done. Occasionally, at least.” The girl with the bleach blonde hair turns towards her friends. “Remember that time that B ordered pizza to the library? And we snuck it in and-”

“We ate it and hid it from the security guard under the table-”

“-that was hysterical.” They’re all cracking up, the lot of them, and Brooke is too, and Vanessa wants to disappear into the couch. More inside jokes that she’s not a part of. Probably will never be a part of, at least not in the same way that a group of friends sharing a med school class are a part of.

It’s fine.

“Yeah, sure, maybe.” The words leave Vanessa’s lips halfhearted, because really, does she want to go and hear about people that she doesn’t know and classes that she’s not part of, and generally feel like she’s still on the outside looking in?

Not really.

“Brooke?”

“Yeah?” Brooke looks surprised, almost, that Vanessa’s calling out to her. It could be due to the fact that they haven’t been speaking much over the last few weeks, or maybe not.

Who’s to know for sure, really?

But Vanessa’s interview went well, real well. And she kinda wants to share it with someone. Someone there in person, not just on the phone. “Can we talk for a sec?”

Brooke bites her lip, looking between her friends and her phone. “Um, can it wait? Just got the text from a girl in our class that everyone’s meeting outside Convocation Hall to watch. We gotta go.”

Sure, Vanessa expects it, because the two of them aren’t each other’s highest priority anymore. But it still fucking stings. She patches up the hole in her chest, the one looking for Brooke’s pride, Brooke’s approval, the one that preens under Brooke’s appreciative glance because she’s not going to get it anytime soon. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

She could fight right now, yell at Brooke for being flippant. But does it matter? When Brooke probably won’t even give a shit?

It’s not like she really does these days, anyway.

The door closes behind them and Vanessa pats the couch, letting Riley jump onto it and curl up beside her. She buries her face into his fur as the sounds of talking get softer and softer down the hallway.  

Vanessa doesn’t feel like calling her mom anymore, either.

Brooke comes back when Vanessa’s already climbed into bed, reviewing her notes for her upcoming microbiology exam. Vanessa doesn’t want to look up, she really doesn’t, when Brooke climbs in beside her.

They don’t automatically snuggle into each other the way they used to. It’s like there’s an invisible wall between their sides of the bed, and Vanessa’s not sure which one of them keeps on adding the bricks on to it.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Vanessa flips to another page of her review, trying her hardest to focus on the virus that she’s supposed to be studying, but can’t help pulling her eyes up.

“The second years set a bunch of chickens loose on the lawn in front of Convocation Hall as they left their lecture. It was hilarious.” Brooke lets out a small laugh, evidently remembering the sight in front of her. Not that Vanessa cares.

“Fun.”

“Yeah.” There’s an awkward pause, one that makes Vanessa want to fidget before Brooke speaks again. “You wanted to tell me something earlier?”

Oh. That.

“It doesn’t matter.” Vanessa mumbles the words as she turns another page over, because it really fucking doesn’t. Brooke didn’t care enough a couple hours ago. She doesn’t care now.

Vanessa doesn’t need any reactions or cheering from her.

“What? Just tell me.” Brooke shifts on her side, raising an eyebrow. “What was it?”

“I ain’t gotta tell you anything,” Vanessa snaps, suddenly annoyed. The interview feels like it happened ages ago by now, anyway. She’s already told her mom and Silky and A’keria and celebrated how well it went by ordering in Postmates and why should she have to retell it, when Brooke didn’t even want to hear about it in the first place?

“Fine,” Brooke huffs, crossing her arms. “Don’t say I didn’t ask, later.”  

“Fuck off.” Vanessa doesn’t want to deal with this, doesn’t want to end up in the shitty mood that Brooke always manages to put her in. She’s tired of it. “Not like you actually care.”

Though apparently, Brooke isn’t. “What the hell is your problem?”

“Excuse me?” Vanessa feels her voice raising as she finally puts her review down on the bedside table because is now the time that Brooke is going to come for her? Really?

“I don’t actually care? You’re the one who never talks to me anymore, you never want to come to things with me or meet my friends and, you know what? I’m tired of trying with you.” Brooke looks cold, real cold, in a way that Vanessa’s never really seen directed towards her. The kind of closed off expression that she only gets when she talks about her parents, or when she’s ranting about one of her professors. The kind of Brooke that Vanessa’s not quite so used to, not when the Brooke that she normally gets is soft and open and not so closed off.

Vanessa’s about to run her mouth, though Brooke isn’t done, cutting her off before she’s able to say anything. “All you’re doing is pushing me away. Like the past three years have been bullshit and don’t matter anymore.”

“You’re the one who’s left me behind!” Vanessa runs a hand through her hair, because how doesn’t Brooke get it? Brooke’s moved on, moved onto other things and left Vanessa floundering in the dust and they’re supposed to be a team.

That’s what they’re supposed to be.

“No I didn’t, and you know that. I’m still trying, I’m the only one that’s still fucking trying between the two of us because you can never bother to even give me the time of day anymore.” Brooke’s jaw is set and she swallows hard, as if she’s trying to push everything back down and it’s not fair. Because Brooke is acting like this is solely her fault, when it isn’t.

“You’re never here anymore, how do you expect me to even do that? You’re always in class or hanging with your own friends or doing some med school event or the other. Not like I can even come to those.” Vanessa crosses her arms. She’s not going to follow Brooke to the ends of the earth to try. Not when Brooke wouldn’t even do the same for her.

“It always comes back to med school, huh?” Brooke lets out a bitter laugh. “Always the thing that makes you snap.”

“Don’t-”

“You still blame me because you didn’t get in, don’t you? Or at least, you take it out on me. Because I’m here and the admissions committees don’t exactly respond well to any sort of threats.” Brooke hasn’t raised her voice, not really, but the words still set Vanessa on fire, make her angry because Brooke’s so damn calm while she says them.

“You think real highly of yourself.” Vanessa doesn’t care about being quiet anymore, unlike Brooke. Not when she’s being like this. “You ain’t that important, bitch.”

“Believe whatever you want.” The ice is back, the tendrils beginning to creep along Vanessa’s skin from her words. “We both know it’s true. That’s when things started to get like this, when you stopped trying to actually talk to me about things. When you didn’t get in and I did.”

“Fuck off.”

“Maybe try a little harder for this next year and you don’t have to be so bitter anymore.” Brooke has a smirk on her face, the bitch. As if it’s all a joke to her.

“You really think I didn’t try hard? Like I didn’t put in as much effort as you, didn’t deserve it like you did? Like I wasn’t supporting you that whole fucking time?” Vanessa’s mad, real mad, because how dare Brooke even say that she didn’t fucking try hard, when Brooke was the one who was there, and saw her. “Maybe the reason I didn’t get in was because I had to spend so much time trying to make you feel better. Holding your hand constantly when you got anxious and stressed and had to put my books down to make sure you didn’t fucking blow a gasket on me.”

It’s a low blow and Vanessa knows it, by the way Brooke’s eyes darken because this isn’t something that they make light of, or joke about. Either of their mental health. But part of it is true. Sure, it comes with being in a relationship, supporting your partner. But maybe, just maybe, it’s taken away success from Vanessa too. Or at least, that’s what she’s going to tell Brooke, to drive that knife in just a little bit deeper.

There was a time when the last thing that Vanessa wanted to do was to hurt Brooke.

That was a long time ago.

“I didn’t realize I was such a huge burden to you.” Brooke narrows her eyes, and Vanessa can see the way that she’s covering up her heart, reinforcing it with every brick that she puts in front of it for protective armour. “You know what, though? I’m doing just fine. Just fine without you, don’t you think? Meanwhile, you look like you’re falling apart.”

Vanessa wants to scream and tell Brooke that she’s not, that she’s just fine, but the words don’t come. Because Brooke’s right.

And Vanessa hates it because it means that Brooke really has moved on.

“What, you don’t have anything to say, now that you don’t have anyone to blame anymore? Now that you actually have to take responsibility for something, for once in your life with no one to pick up the pieces for you?”

Vanessa doesn’t.

“Fine.” Vanessa’s off the bed, grabbing her coat that’s hanging on the back of their bedroom door, because she’s done. “You win.”

“Can you just fucking listen to yourself for once? It’s not about winning!” Brooke’s following her and she doesn’t care, she’s not going to stop even with how frustrated Brooke sounds. Because she’s wrong.

Brooke’s won, left her in pieces the way that she’s so good at doing again and again.

Vanessa doesn’t need Brooke to build herself back up.

(now)

The light of dawn makes Brooke glow in shades of gold.

It’s 5:45 a.m., and Vanessa’s unable to sleep anymore because of the rays of sun that are beaming directly into her eyes from Brooke’s bedroom window.

Their surgery starts at 8 a.m. sharp. They’ve done the practice run, have had consult meeting after consult meeting. Vanessa would probably be able to do the procedure with her eyes closed. Even if the surgery is approximately four and a half hours long.

Vanessa’s done longer. They both have. She’s not worried.

For now, her thoughts are solely drawn to the woman lying beside her.

There’s something about Brooke in sleep that continues to be absolutely mesmerizing to Vanessa. The way her lips are slightly parted, the way the worry lines etched into her face smooth themselves out while she’s dreaming. The slight twitch of her fingers and the soft breaths that she lets out as the sheets brush her skin.

She’s beautiful.

Vanessa gets up as slowly as she can to not wake Brooke up, and pulls on one of Brooke’s sweaters before she heads to the kitchen. She can’t help the little curses she lets out as she tries to get Brooke’s Keurig to work, different from her own at home.

“Stupid, damn machine-”

Though she doesn’t have to grumble to herself for long, two steaming drinks in her hands before the clock strikes 6:00.

When she heads back to the bedroom Brooke is awake, a hand running through her hair and her eyes wide as she sits up. Vanessa can see the palpable relief in Brooke’s eyes when she spots her in the doorway, along with the way that Brooke’s grip on the sheets begins to lessen, her body releasing the tension that had began to build up.

“You okay?” Vanessa hands Brooke a mug before sitting down beside her on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, I-” Brooke draws in a breath, looking down at the sheets. “Thought you’d left.”

The words lie heavy in Vanessa’s heart, because she knows she’s the one that’s made Brooke so afraid of it.

“I ain’t gonna leave, B,” Vanessa starts, voice soft, “Unless you want me to.”

Brooke looks up at her and Vanessa can see a vulnerability in her eyes. Neither of them are talking about this morning anymore. Vanessa knows it, she knows that Brooke knows it.

Vanessa’s not going to leave.

“You know it’s different now, right?” Vanessa puts her hand on top of Brooke’s on the mattress, feels Brooke’s hand turn over to grab hers. “It’s not like it used to be. We’re not like that anymore. We’re different.”

“We are, aren’t we?” Brooke’s just as soft, her voice on par with the way the sun is beginning to rise even more, lighting up the room.

“We’re not gonna end up like that again. I won’t let it.” Vanessa won’t. She can’t, because she’s already lost Brooke before, slowly and then all at once. Ripping off the band-aid at a torturous pace.

“How, though? How do we know we won’t end up like that again?” Brooke’s voice is almost pleading and Vanessa gets it, she does, because the tug in her heart is asking the same question. Waiting, just waiting, to catastrophize and concoct scenarios of how they could go all wrong.

“‘Cause we’re not gonna let that resentment build between us. We’re killing it in our own fields, both the heads of our departments. We’re not competing against each other anymore. We’re cheering each other on.” It does make a difference, it really does, when Vanessa thinks about it. Not having to vy for the same opportunities, same goals.

Brooke’s success isn’t a detriment to Vanessa’s own, and vice versa. She knows that now.

“Plus, I’m not a bitch ass, immature, twenty year old anymore.” Vanessa is sheepish as she says it, watching Brooke giggle. “You succeed now? I’m gonna have my phone out to record everything with a proud fucking grin on my face.”

“Same.” Brooke tilts her head and the sunlight glints off of her hair and Vanessa’s never seen a more beautiful girl in her life. “I want those memories with you. I want them to happen.”

“Look at you getting all soft on me, B.” Vanessa leans forward to kiss her, cutting off the half hearted protest on Brooke’s lips (‘I’m not that soft’).

But it’s true, Brooke is. So soft and open in a way that Vanessa loves, in a way that she feels so lucky that she gets to experience, since Brooke likes to keep that part of herself hidden away, not showing it to just anyone. Vanessa had been lucky enough to have that version of Brooke in university in the early years. And now here Brooke is, trusting her and letting her see the most beautiful parts of herself again.

Not the fact that Brooke’s a great surgeon, even though she is. Not the fact that she’s brilliant, absolutely brilliant, a fact that everyone already knows.

But rather, the fact that Brooke’s grip on her hand always tightens when she’s happy, and also all the little kisses that she presses to the crook of Vanessa’s neck whenever they snuggle as they’re about to fall asleep. The way that Brooke seems to remember little flippant things that Vanessa says, ever so thoughtful, like when she brought coffee before their consult meeting with the entire team yesterday and Vanessa’s had a dash of vanilla, just the way she likes it.

The softer parts of Brooke that contrast from the tight ship she runs as a surgeon, the rigidity that she imposes. The parts that make Vanessa realize that she really still loves her, so so much.

Brooke’s alarm clock blares as the numbers shift over to 6:30, making them both jump. Brooke turns it off, and Vanessa can’t help the way she leans against her side, revelling in how Brooke wraps her arms around her and rests her chin on top of her head.

“We have to get ready.” Brooke mutters the words into her hair before pressing a kiss there, and it makes Vanessa want to squeeze her eyes shut tight.

“No, we don’t.”

“We have a surgery scheduled at 8:00 a.m. sharp.”

“Who said that?”

Brooke snorts. “Come on, baby. Let’s go.”

The term of endearment makes Vanessa’s heart flutter more than she wants to admit, as if she’s eighteen again and crushing on the girl that sits beside her in anatomy class with two french braids in her hair.

Except, now? She knows, really knows, how much this girl actually means to her. And how hard she’s going to work not to lose her again.

“Tie up the back of my gown for me?”

Vanessa dries her hands and turns to see Brooke standing with her back towards her, scrub cap already on along with her face mask, surgical gown on top of her scrubs but untied.

“Sure.” Vanessa double knots the ties on the gown the way she always does with her own, always remembering the one unfortunate instance when she hadn’t tied her gown properly and it promptly came off on top of a patient’s open chest. Not one of her finest moments.

“All done. Anyone tell you how fucking adorable you look with a scrub cap covered in cats?”

Brooke’s mask is covering half of her face, but Vanessa can still see the way she blushes, the top of her cheeks glowing pink. “Shut up.”

“I’m serious! It’s cute.” Vanessa protests, pointing to her own covered in puppies. “Besides. We kinda match.”

“That’s true.” Brooke grins behind her surgical mask, and Vanessa can tell by the way that her eyes scrunch.

The charge nurse for their surgery yells out a timecheck, and it makes Vanessa remember that they’re really about to do this together. After so much planning, so many late nights. So many fights in the early stages, which seem almost comical now, looking back at them.

She and Brooke are both too damn stubborn sometimes, though it’s something that Vanessa hopes never ever changes.

“You ready?” She reaches out, squeezes Brooke’s hand before letting go. They’re still at work, after all, but she knows how Brooke can get, how an extra check in never hurts.

“Yeah. Now c’mon.” Brooke tilts her head towards the operate suite, at the way their team is finishing their set up for the surgery. “It’s a beautiful day to save lives.”

Vanessa gapes. “You did not just quote Grey’s Anatomy at me-”

Brooke cackles as she follows her into the suite. “I’m quite the McDreamy, aren’t I?”

“You wish.”

Vanessa massages her own shoulder as they stand in the line for Tim Hortons, neither of them particularly keen that morning on packing lunches for after their joint surgery.

“I’m fucking sore from being hunched over.”

Brooke looks over at her with an adorably furrowed brow. “You’re a surgeon. You do this for a living.”

“And you’re supposed to say you’ll give me a massage.” Vanessa pouts, though it morphs into a grin when Brooke wraps an arm around her shoulders.

“If you’re patient and can wait until the end of the day. Can you do that?”

“It’ll be real difficult.” Vanessa lets out a fake sigh as they head to their table, where some of the neuro and cardiac surgeons have already began to eat. “I dunno if I’ll have it in me.”

“If you’re good, you can have something in you-”

“Bitch-”

They’re both giggling as they sit down at the table, and Vanessa can already see the incredibly curious faces of their coworkers.

“You two aren’t fighting?” Kameron points between them, squinting her eyes as if she’s attempting to solve a complex math problem.

Brooke shoots Vanessa a look, almost asking permission. Vanessa nods, because what the hell. It’ll be funny to see everyone’s reactions.

“Considering she woke up in my bed today, no.” Brooke takes a sip of her coffee as their table erupts into chaos.

“Goddamn! And y’all say that I’m the loud one.” Vanessa yelps when Yvie grabs her hand to high five it, ducks out of Kameron’s bear hug directed towards her. “Absolute animals.”

“So. Tell us.” Plastique looks delighted as she takes a bite of her sandwich. “Was the sex good? After that much fighting, it must be good.”

“A lady never kisses and tells.” Brooke smiles faux demurely before stealing a Timbit from Vanessa’s lunch.

“Hey-”  

“Sorry, baby.” Brooke doesn’t look the least bit sorry as she pops the Timbit into her mouth. “I’ll make it up to you later.”  

She’s so cute that Vanessa can’t even be mad about it.

Yvie wrinkles her nose. “You two are already gross. Unbelievable.”

Brooke grins. “Says the girl who wouldn’t shut up about her date with her girlfriend during the temporal lobe tumour removal last week.”

Yvie sticks her tongue out at both of them. “Hateful.”

“Truthful.”

Vanessa’s about to chime in, when she’s interrupted by the slam of Asia’s tray on the table, Asia herself looking out of breath and quite smug.

“You all won’t believe the tea I have on these two from yesterday.” Asia looks positively delighted as she points between Vanessa and Brooke.

Vanessa can’t help herself. “We already told everyone else. It ain’t breaking news no more, Anderson Cooper.”

“Damn. And here I was actually excited about something for once.” Asia scowls, before pausing. “Wait, how do you know who Anderson Cooper is?”

Vanessa scoffs. “I watch shit sometimes. Nah, I’m playing. It was on the TV in the cardiac outpatient waiting room the other day. I prefer 90 Day Fiancé, myself.”

Kameron snorts. “A woman of culture.”

“That I am, bitch.”

Brooke nudges Vanessa’s side. “Gotta go. Consultation with a patient in ten.”

Vanessa gives Brooke her best fake pout. She knows that they’re at work, surrounded by coworkers and patients and families, but sometimes it feels like time spent with Brooke passes by too fast, like it’s in fast forward.

“Don‘t give me that face.”

“Hmph.”

Brooke raises an eyebrow. “Don’t you have a meeting in ten, too?”

Vanessa shrugs. “Maybe so.”

“You’re something else.” Brooke reaches over to ruffle Vanessa’s hair and Vanessa yelps, because her curls don’t stay this nice with anyone messing them up.

“I’ll see you soon?” Brooke’s eyes are expectant as she stands up, gathering her things from the table.

“That you will.”

It’s true, in more ways than one. Vanessa doesn’t want to let Brooke go anytime soon.

[loplainlointhemorning]

Omg your tags... Can you talk more about your songwriting pls? I'm at that point now where I'm just trying to finish as many songs as I can, not caring so much abt the quality bc otherwise I will never finish one. I still only have a few, I'm trying to learn the process and what works for me. But it's so encouraging to hear someone else talk abt this like I keep comparing myself to famous ppl I listen to and it feels like they just have a gift and I don't

dude, I have been comparing myself to artists I look up to constantly, ever since I got into music at fourteen, wondering why I’m not good enough. I think it’s normal. The truth is, when you stop listening so much to beginner’s self doubt, perfectionism, and in my case, chronic anxiety, everybody is the same. The people who are really good are really good because they sat down and fucked around with instruments long enough to understand them, the people who are really good are really good because they love what they do, and all of them wrote shitty songs in their late teens/early 20s/whenever they started out. I have(and still do) beat myself up for everything from writing too fast to writing too slow, for taking months long breaks because of mental health issues, for lyrics that my band laughed at, for only knowing how to play one instrument, the list goes on...But I comfort myself with facts like these:

PJ Harvey was asked about her first ever song in an interview from 1995 and that’s the closest I’ve seen her come to blushing; She said it was about a girl going on an adventure and that it was awful. She reiterated in a magazine that most of her earliest work was ‘terrible’ and heavily influenced by Irish folk music, meaning, apparently, that it was full of tin whistles. It took her years before she was comfortable playing her orginal music in front of other people(and if you watch her early Dry performances, she’s not even all that comfortable in the first place.) The important thing is, PJ Harvey hated her early songs.

Nick Cave said that he was ashamed of the Birthday Party’s discography up until Junkyard and that he didn’t like to think about those albums. Nick Cave hated his early songs- And Nick Cave is partially famous DUE to these early songs, go figure.

Courtney Love bashes Hole’s first album Pretty On The Inside nearly constantly, calling it ‘unlistenable’ and saying it was more about her persona being established than making good music. Courtney Love hated her early songs- and, once again, her band was given its name and image because of them.

I BEG you to listen to five seconds of David Bowie’s first album, which he doesn’t discuss.

If these people, who mean the world to me and have saved hoards of others from personal destruction, had given up bc they were Bad at a young and inexperienced age we wouldn’t have their music and it’s not an exaggeration to say that that would have ended in suicide for a big number of people. If you can get your ego in place, you can believe the same about your music, and the thing that’s going to keep you motivated more than anything else is Ego.

We live in a world right now where popular music lacks human hands and clumsiness and rawness and so the fact that both of us are, against the odds, composing music that still reflects those things is a rebellion. It’s important that we keep writing, not just because we deserve to be good songwriters because we care about it, but because for music to evolve there needs to be a constant underground of young people with limited skills trying their best. Plus, if we’re both lucky, we’ll end up saving people the same way we were saved and if it takes a few notebooks of three note trauma songs to get there then fine(besides, who doesn’t love a good three-note trauma song?).

But beyond the ‘glory’ of it(and I think to do anything artistic you have to romanticize it to a certain degree), I started songwriting seriously at the end of a bad relationship when I was sixteen, nearly seventeen. When that relationship ended, I wrote constantly. I wrote about everything. My main influences were Bikini Kill and The Runaways and I hadn’t developed my seriousness towards lyrics yet so anything went. I’d write three songs in a week, realize that two were bad and play the third one for my band only to get laughed at for writing something like “I swallow Clorox” which was a confessional thing about suicidal thoughts that hurt my feelings, but wasn’t articulated well.

I wrote Nirvana knock-off songs and I wrote Hole knock-off songs and I half finished at least one hundred different things and I have three notebooks filled with them, the latter half being the worst fake-Nick Cave writing I have ever read. From all of 2018, during which I probably wrote 30-35 songs, I have two that I would actually put on an album and three that I can remember/still like. Once I got my mental health under control, I did the same thing for the bulk of 2019. This stage you’re at is NOTHING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT. It’s like making stuff out of Play-Doh or fingerpainting. It’s FUN and you’re learning, Extremely Quickly, a million different skills that you’re going to need over the course of your life. Lyric writing, the classic verse/chorus/verse, how to invert that, experimental tactics, particular playing styles that you like, playing styles that you HATE, etc.

And the best part about it is that some of your songs are good! Some of them have good parts that you’ll take out later to put into better songs! You’re probably sitting on two or three good songs at the moment, maybe even more, maybe you’ve got a whole album of brilliant material and you just don’t know it. In thirty years your demos could work like Vashti Bunyan’s and be the proto-whatever of a new genre. I really don’t want to make you think that all your material right now is bad, because that idea has actually been super detrimental to me and is a shitty narrative pushed to push beginners. I’m saying that it’s OKAY for you to be bad, that even experienced people write bad shit, but that if you think you’ve written some bangers they deserve to be recognized as such.

To close, new phase that I was talking about, the quality over quantity phase, is definitely something I had to work up to. 90% of it is taking in enough new music to understand what you really want from yourself, and the rest of it is gaining enough confidence to willingly let other people hear what you do. I only started taking my shit this seriously in late December of last year because I knew people would be hearing it, and that has its set backs too: My perfectionism is crazy right now and I have to kick back against it all the time. The perks of getting to the point where you can hone yourself are that you build real relationships with your songs, and that you have some idea of what you want. But I also think that it’s healthy to go through the quantity over quality phase over and over again throughout the course of your career, because there’s no way to really write in a new style unless you keep going back to frenzied experimentation. If we both end up pursuing this long term, we’ll probably have to work on Finishing over Perfecting a million times over, and its best to make peace with it now.

I am so sorry that this is like. A million paragraphs but another important aspect of songwriting is procrastinating by being on tumblr so!!! You’re doing just fine. Keep up the good work, and feel free to talk to me or share music with me anytime. I hope this helps, or at least isn’t a boring read.