#wasnt too bad and I'd like to have the hours tbh

[galacticlamps]

actually ascension needs its own post since that's the one with the most details to speculate over and im starved for soho talk so i will talk to myself if need be

First the cover again, because I kinda can't get over it:

my only thing is that I had been hoping we might get Lizbeth on a cover again since she's never been on one of the boxsets before, despite being the 2nd person credited on all 4 of them (even if that's just alphabetical, still, she's the only one of the four main characters who never makes the cover)

But letting that go...

I know we already kinda knew the brief for this one but damn I didn't expect it to go quite this hard. Maybe that's just because the Parasite & Ashenden covers were (comparatively) similarish to each other and I was so pleased with Unbegotten's, and then got so used to it as the placeholder for Ascension while they kept postponing it, I wasn't expecting anything this colorful or detailed or with what I can't help but register as Fun New Outfits even though these are still like, pretty damn basic as far as costumes go. Still, it's a different vibe from everyone in suits and trenchcoats on every cover, technically. (Oh the woes of being an audio fan such that two characters owning sweaters actually does qualify as new information)

On top of just being visually delightful though, I know we knew religion was gonna be a fairly big part of this one, but I didn't actually expect to get quite this much of it - though I'm glad of it for a number of reasons. The BF twitter already made the ineffable joke so I don't have to, but also yeah I did very much spend all of season 2 episode 4 of good omens half convinced Samuel Barnett & Dervla Kirwan were about to pop up around any given corner (if you will go around being gay supernatural and horrible at your messy bureaucratic jobs in midcentury soho then I'm sorry, this is where my brain's gonna go) - so, fuel to that fire. But in terms of actual important things, at least one of my Soho wishes looks to be being granted because we have a Rev Edward Folgate on the cast list, which must mean we're finally meeting Norton's father, even if his mother & brother don't appear (which they could, technically, I've definitely seen BF not list all the doublings on their cast tabs before). Religion, domesticity, and the nuclear family are all things that absolutely fascinate me when it comes to Norton's character, so getting any amount of story involving his father & his church is something I've been actively hoping for for a long time now.

(I will say I'm a tiny bit bummed Saffron Coomber isn't on the cast list to play Mia again, but I kinda figured she wasn't going to be since Greg Austin's Armitage, who's making his first recurring appearance after originating in Unbegotten, was listed ever since the boxset was announced - presumably if she was also returning, that would've been handled in the same way. But since Unbegotten ended with Lizbeth and Mia going on a date, I still held out hope. Who knows though, maybe things did go well for them and Lizbeth just has a better work/life balance than Norton so she can date someone without them getting dragged into every scifi plot. I know that's not a very common accomplishment for any Torchwood agent, but a gal can hope)

At this point I know I'm completely in the realm of speculation & even wishful thinking, but I'm really really hoping we get some more clues as to Norton's overall timeline in this one, and I have a feeling that even if there's nothing as direct as dates given, the events of a plot like this one are going to heavily influence my personal interpretation of it.

To say that life & death are major themes for the soho crew feels wildly reductive, but even by Torchwood's standards and taking into account its origins as a piece of media with Jack Harkness & his newfound immortality at the heart of it, the living/dead status of this bunch has always been fantastically up in the air to me. Obviously Ghost Mission introduced Norton as kind of a ghost before revealing more obvious ghostly characters later on to which the title might have been referring, but his being from the past did beg the question of his survival into Torchwood's present era all the same, which Outbreak later alludes to much more directly, and his habit of showing up via hologram in multiple stories only further obfuscates any certainty we might have about where & when he definitely can be said to be alive and well. Then you've got Lizbeth and Gideon both being effectively 'brought back to life' via paradoxes that prevented them ever having died in the first place. Again, they are very very far from being the only Torcwhood characters this happens to (for a sprawling EU, it's really rather impressive how often & in how many different ways Torchwood as a whole manages to circle back to being about like. chaotic undead queers at the end of every day. though I suppose that consistency is part of why I keep falling in love with its different iterations again and again). That's without even getting into the question of Norton's dubious fate in God Among Us - and I say dubious because I know some people take that to be his ultimate death, but I personally think that reading something as vague as that as having any kind of finality rather goes against the spirit of this whole world/series, not just because I want him to live. (There are obviously other ways to make him survive/reappear, but I don't see this as a River Song scenario where we can safely assume one of his earlier-released adventures had to happen at the end of his personal timeline). But wherever God Among Us falls for him, he does very much meet God in it - or at least, a god, since the sentinel in Unbegotten is also described as a god of sorts, and even if he doesn't ultimately have the status of the god Jacqueline King is playing there, Unbegotten is still full to bursting with ghosts/undead/came back wrong/echo characters to continue underscoring that life/afterlife theme.

So all things considered, even allowing for the fact that we know Norton's twin hobbies are lying about himself and abusing time travel to suit his own ends/ever-shifting alliances, I find it difficult to believe we could get through a whole 6-part boxset about religion & death without something providing some kind of compelling evidence about where this adventure fits in among his other run-ins with apocalypses and gods and ghosts and dead-but-still-here characters/creatures, so I'm very much looking forward to any further exploration on that front.

And lastly, and least intellectually, I really want to know what the hell 20th-century Torchwood's obsession with Reginalds is. Reading through the cast list, I had to do two separate doubletakes over the character 'Sir Reginald Peebles' - firstly, because I had Reginald Rigsby on the brain, this being Soho (and the other Troughton brother being so active on BF's releases for this same month) - and secondly, because reading this in conjunction with the announcement for the July monthly adventure in which the new main Torchwood guy of the 20s is apparently called Sir Reginald Dellafield, there was a brief moment where I took that monthly release to be a tie-in with Ascension. I don't expect it to be, but damn. was it really so popular a name?

anyways, catch me thinking about those stained glass windows for the next couple months I guess (and knowing Torchwood Soho, for a long long time after it comes out as well lol)

[staenless]

STEDDIE LUNCHBOX FIC PART THREE

It was a week be

Sorry this took so long Ive been busy with beauty school and struggling with motivation tbh lol. Looking back at the previous two parts this needs a LOT of editing but honestly I don't think I can rn so you'll all have to suffer through unedited chapters for now, sorry! Anyway I'm very tired rn so I won't hold up with authors notes anymore, I hope you all enjoy this and please share your thoughts (they fueled this chapter tbh)

It was a week before Tommy passed his lunch on again. Eddie sat in his cubicle nose flaring at lunchtime everyday, a pavlovian response to the clunk-tick of the bento box popping open. He could smell meats, vegetables and fruits, cheesy pastas and salt-buttered rolls. Under it all he could smell that sugar sweet ginger and floral scent, Steve.

Eddie's own lunches were rare, and when he did lower himself to eat at the company café he always found it wanting. Nothing quite matched up to a meal made painstakingly by hand. He wondered if this was part of Tommy's cruel mockery, to hand him something he was unworthy of to let him taste heaven, then snatch it away and leave him stranded in a world of bland flavorless slop.

That wasn't to say the café food was bad. In actuality it was surprisingly good. The young woman who ran it had been part of a government program to teach underserved highschoolers skills, and her meals were wholesome and tasty. She had baked a cake for the company holiday party, and when she say Eddie savouring the bites she confided her secret: a third of the flour was substituted with corn flour to give it a texture. It was the best homemade cake Eddie had ever eaten, though he had very little to compare it to.

So no, the food at the café, the bar and the grocery store and - godforbid - Eddie's own kitchen wasnt bad. It was of a higher standard he was used to, and it was filling and tasty, and he ate what he liked instead of what his guardians decided he should eat. But none of it had the taste of Steve's hands on it, and so none of it could ever compare. He mindlessly shoved forkful after forkful into his mouth, chewed and chocked it all down. He missed Steve's food, after only tasting it once.

The day Tommy decided to grace Eddie's desk with the tin lunchbox again hadn't started out special. In fact as the clock slowly ticked into the luncheon hours Eddie had long resigned himself another cafe meal when Tommy's cackled echoed across the floor.

"Nah, he's going into heat soon so he's been extra bitchy... I've had to pull late night's just to get some damn peace"

Eddie's hackles rose. Omegas in preheat needed stability, reassurance. Spending hours away would just make their preheat anxiety worse, something Tommy was either too stupid to realise or too cruel to care.

"Aw c'mon man," one of the stuffy suited alphas beside him gave Tommy a heart shoulder clap, "heat is the whole point of marrying an omega, right? Man what I'd do to get to fuck one, is it true they can't think of anything other than cock?"

Tommy's low chuckling makes Eddie grit his teeth,that was basically conformation. He's out here discussing his omegas private, vulnerable moments like it's water cooler gossip. Barely containing a growl Eddie peaks over the cubicle and finally spots the group by the - oh for fucks sake - gathered around an honest to God watercooler.

"Yeah the fucking is great, he always bitches about wearing a collar but once he's in the heat of it," smattered giggles, "he forgets aaaalllll about it. Almost makes the week before worth it. Almost." The last line sounds almost spiteful, but his cronies don't seem to take note.

"How'd you even bag him? I mean sure omegas aren't that rare but I hardly see any that aren't mated, especially a nice tame one that'd pack me lunch."

Something in the air turns sour, and when Eddie peaks over again in a bizaar mimic of an old whack-a-mole game, he can see Tommys face twist and turn in on itself. He seems torn between frustration and pride, like a dog showing off its gold plated collar.

"It was a family thing," he says, the vague answer telling just enough for his buddies to drop it while still answering their question. He glances down at the lunch box in his hand and his upper lip twitches in disgust, then his eyes rove over the office cubicles before locking onto Eddie. Shit, too late to duck down, and Tommy marches over, smarmy smile stretching over his too-white too-straight teeth.

"Munson!" THWACK. Ow. "You not having lunch?" Tommy leans down, weight on Eddie's shoulder where his fingers dig in just enough to make Eddie want to bite him. But the possibility of getting his paws on that lunch box, on Steve scented food, outweighs his instinct to fight the alpha trying to impose himself.

"Shit man," his grin is all teeth, "I hadn't even noticed the time! Guess I'll have to run down to the cafe and pick something up, huh?" It's fake. It's so fake and they both know this conversation is just a formality, the conclusion already known.

"I'll save you the trouble," Tommy should have persued an acting career, the script sounds so natural as he straightens up and clacks the lunch box onto Eddie's desk, "I'm heading out to lunch with the boys, you'd be doing me a favour." The last part doesn't sound like a lie, and if Eddie wasn't so desperate for the lunch he'd wonder why Tommy was so desperate to get rid of it.

"Thanks man," he spits out to Tommys retreating form. He mutters something - likely demeaning - to his cronies who titter, then leave together like a pack of cackling hyenas.

Eddie launches from his desk and flies to the rooftop, lunchbox clutched desperately in his hands, cigarettes forgotten. Once he reaches his usual spot his pops the lid, thrumming with excitement at the sight of another note. Ignoring the food over the sweet omegas words he plucks the folded yellow paper and gingerly unfolds it.

"please come home early"

His heart plummets. Right. Steve is in preheat, he obviously wants his alpha. But Tommy said he was avoiding Steve, and now the note confirms that. Please come home early, but no "I miss you" . No "love Steve". It seemed impersonal, something like an order, or begging, but without the hope either of those entail. He recalled Tommys other statement. It was a family thing.

Eddie was familiar, though distantly, with the idea. Arranged marriages were hardly a thing anymore. The star charts, the burnt herbs and entrails spread out beneath a crones trembling hands was far too gouche for modern metropolitans. The payments in silk and bovine too backwards and simple for their forward thinking ways.

Marriages were a more democratic affair for the rich and wealthy, planned out in wood panelled offices with huffing cigar breaths, Alpha to Alpha, the prospects of mergers and inheritance trumping starsigns and blood types. Arranged marriages was for backwards, superstitious folk, agreements were for the rich to keep the money in arms reach. Steve and Tommy were an agreement.

And by the looks of if; no mating bite, avoidance during preheat and the tone Tommy musters when discussing his spouse? Not a particularly blissful agreement. Still. Please come home early, Steve must find some comfort in Tommy's general existence if he wants him around over a trusted family member or close friend. Or pup. Tommy never mentioned a pup, but whether that was because he didn't have one or didn't care much to talk about it was somewhat up in the air.

Eddie brought the note to his lips, just toughing, and breathed deep. The ginger of Steve's scent was less sweet now, his preheat brining out the spice. Something like pepper ticked the back of his nose, pulled the air from his lungs and a final floral smell brought him back in, the sweet aftertaste of a spicy treat. The flowers smelt fresh, Eddie could recall the lily's at his mother's grave smelling the same. Somewhere in his mind he knew that comparison should scare him, but the memory of her grave after the funeral had always been rose tinted by Wayne's kind smile when he took his hand and gently lead him away. Eddie pulled the note away and his lips twitched up, that floral after taste was definitely lily's.

Eddie spared the food a glance, and as delicious as it look, he had something else on his mind. He looked down at the note in his hands, his hind brain sparking to attention at the scent of the omega, and the idea of him home alone in preheat. Eddie wanted to comfort him, to sooth his nerves and let him know he was safe and loved. He wanted to pace the door in front of their den, while Steve nested inside, to protect him from any intruders and serve him. To hold his hand, his waist, to pillow his head on Steve's chest and listen to his heart beat and bathe in his scent.

He couldn't. Steve was married, as much as Eddie's hind brain shouted "not mated" and Steve didn't even know Eddie, let alone allow the alpha into his nest. But Eddie couldn't help it as he pressed the note to his wrists and neck, mind whirling with ideas on how to comfort the omega. Somewhere between kissing Steves fingertips through fruit and the ginger of his scent burning Eddie's nose, the alphas heart had already pledged itself to the omega, already bared itself - pledged itself to his service. If all Eddie could offer was comfort, crossing lines of proprietary was no hurdle.

Taglist: @xxbottlecapx @goodolefashionedloverboi @stevesbipanic @monsterloverforhire @swimmingbirdrunningrock @samsoble @bookworm0690 @tinyplanet95 @idontwantmetoo @steddiehasmywholeheart @mugloversonly @persnicketysquares @morgannotlefay @lololol-1234 @greeniebean911

[alitgblog]

s9 vol 4 thoughts: actually head relatively empty this volume thats not a great thing 😬

I guess first off is I completely forgot what the cliffhanger last volume was so I didn't even know what was gonna happen coming into this volume and tbh I played it like four hours ago at the time of me writing this, I still don't remember.

I do remember deciding my MC was conflicted about Chen after his ex and I just need an excuse for my MC to be messy (I've decided to headcanon drama for her and in my head this is justified in her beach hut clips which, btw, I still miss the beach hut 🥲). more importantly, that's why I had her stay in the bed with Henri, and this resulted in basically nothing. like I know he said he was stepping back, but he's still an option so I was just hoping for a bigger fight from him? By the end of the volume it felt more like he was waiting for Chen and Jude to mess up so he could swoop in. Kinda boring, a little bit of a let down bc I did enjoy the love triangles with him and Melissa and Chen a little bit in volume 1 and we never really got more of it.

Okay the breakfast chat with Hamish was cute. His personality is definitely toned down now that he's an LI, but I'm glad they're keeping some of his personality. It does make him a bit more intriguing than the all in for you and only you and can't think about anything else type characters (Chen/Henri/Jude/Lyle)

The game being three games in one was odd to me? I'm probably just being nitpicky but I'm like no the game would've been either a physical challenge with multiple parts including the balloons, or Mr. and Mrs., or a vote from the islanders (which is not a game), but all three?? Nahh. Nevertheless, it did what it had to do.

No actually it didn't do what it had to do, because for some reason the prize was essentially MC getting three quick separate dates? She doesn't even cook in the kitchen with her date? Like if we're gonna do that might as well just make the challenge an individual one and then MC wins the challenge and then the prize is all the guys have to cook her dinner. And if we really need to remove Finn and Hamish then just have them leave the kitchen once the food is made to go have chats with their partners and then the other offer to stay behind and serve MC.

Oh yeah so Shawn is there. That's alright I guess. I kinda dislike having the old islanders show up as guest hosts? I didn't mind Bella and I like Grace but she still seemed out of place being the host for a date? Like we could've removed her. it's just so random and I think it's just because fusebox is hoping we pay gems to find out where our "favorite" islanders are now. And they can't do S1 but they needed a chef so that's how we get Shawn.

like I said, choosing chaos, so she did kiss Henri and I did feel a little bad for Chen because he saw it and dropped everything he was so shocked oops felt a little bad. But she kissed Chen too so... all good?

and here's where I forget the order of things so forgive me if it seems like I'm all over the place

Melissa seems less aggy and that's nice bc i like her and her sprite and i wish she wasnt just another woman fusebox wants us to hate (a la Luna/Sophie/Emel). her sudden return to Henri is absolutely just because we need her to be with SOMEONE and I wish it was fleshed out just a little bit more. like either make it seem more natural that she's gone back to him and show us her like making an effort to apologize (maybe she just asks the girls for advice and MC has a chance to sabotage if actually she wants him for herself). Or alternatively let one of the girls call her out for how she seems like she's just playing the game. Like Henri is her second choice clearly she just needs to keep him close because Hamish has pied her off for Natasha. Not asking for much, this could be like five lines of dialogue and I'd forgive fusebox if this never came up again after.

Kat, Finn, and Kelly wrapping things up very quickly and OFF SCREEN right before the recoupling was odd and rushed. At least Kat is moving on thank god we can move away from this storyline

Oh crap I remember the cliffhanger from last volume now, it was the cheating thing from Kat and Finn. Boring overused trope. At least they walked away from it realizing they won't work together (or at least Kat did, I'm not so sure about Finn). Pls let that be the end of the storyline 🙏🙏

for those of yall on a wlw route, I am wondering if answering Melissa's question about who MC is more interested in between Kelly and Natasha determines only the hideaway option or also closes one of their routes? like I don't think they'll pull a S6 and if you pick Kelly then Natasha gets dumped, but that's only because it seems like they're going the S8 route of they need to stay because Hamish will be with Natasha and Kelly with Finn (the way that Claudia always goes back to Theo and Bea with Liam/Logan).

Hamish wanting to be better for Natasha is cute actually and I think it makes his character better as an LI because it shows he can change and wants to, especially for the right person. And he's loyal to her (or trying to be? it's unclear, considering how they've also had him making moves on Melissa in previous episodes). But if we say he is, then I could see his route opening up more when Natasha rejects him (maybe in Casa? Maybe before, maybe for MC) so you still have that storyline and it's less snakey, they just have to cope with essentially him having MC as second choice (which I also think we could just change make it a Jake S1 sorta storyline: he has to admit he was afraid before and also wanted to be loyal to his partner and give her a chance hoping it stuck but realizing he cant force it.. maybe that was his problem in s6 too going all in with Grace only to get burned when she stayed with Ozzy. And like I think it could work as long as its not happening at the very last recoupling)

It's a good day to be open to flirting with Finn especially after I didn't couple with him playing S5 and then subsequently never again played S5 because it's S5 and so never coupled with Finn. But I do wonder how boring these episodes must be if you're not. I'm a fan of the slow burn though I just need it to make sense!! Him getting stolen by other girls is fine for now but if it's a boys choice recoupling or MC gets to go first and he's still not an option I'll be upset 😤

Finn and Hamish every day look more and more like good routes and that's fully because they're individual routes. Like say what you want about S5, but at least they didn't merge three to four guys' personality into one. (they're all bad in their own ways.) All things considered, as long as we don't continue to merge routes (like I anticipate Henri/Chen/Jude/Lyle are the same from here on out, minus some details in the dialogue), I dont hate the idea of having a few interchangeable guys for the loyal routes and then some other guys added in with unique routes and personalities. I mean ideal scenario is they're all unique, but I guess I could see people saying for example, they like the look of Finn but wish he was more like Henri's route. So this way you get a little choice if you want Henri's route because you can pick between Chen/Jude/Lyle as well.

Kelly picks Finn and I am curious how this is gonna go because he clearly only sees her as a friend and I don't know how Kelly is gonna react. Like are they gonna make her blow up or she's just gonna be passive aggressive or like hold it all in if/when he eventually rejects her? even though she's an old islander, she's kind of a clean slatebc we saw so little of her in S4.

Why mention the hideaway and then cut to a girls chat lol literally just switch the order.

So I had MC and Chen go to the hideaway and I roll my eyes every time that box shows up. And then oh what do you know there's an argument outside do you think we're gonna have to pay gems to hear about the drama we conveniently weren't there for? 😑

not the shower scene again and Finn rejects me noooo my MC is messy on purpose this time

I think there might be no casa this season? just based on the leaks about islander names and also there's no casa in the irl love island all stars so I guess??

Then someone's getting dumped and I can't remember if it was individual islanders or a couple but doesn't matter, we all know who ghe disposable islanders rn are and it's the two guys you didn't pick and Melissa and Kat. I actually don't know which is more likely to leave. Again, could be couples or individual islanders. i could see them doing the bottom two couples and then the safe guys choose a girl to stay and the safe girls choose a guy to stay, if the game wants a specific storyline for either Kat or Melissa, otherwise they're just gonna merge. If for some reason you don't get a choice, I could see them taking away Melissa's partner so she has more of an excuse to drive apart Hamish and Natasha since it seems like that storyline isn't finished (versus Kat and Finn may be done soon). And for similar reason I could see Kat being finished and she gives one last blessing to Finn and Kelly's relationship. Unless they're dragging out her story longer.

in conclusion, I've already committed to playing this season if not for the story, then to see what Stefan looks like, so if you see me liking posts about how this season sucks and someone else didn't finish it don't @ me 😂😂😂

[vyladromeave]

If MCD gets turned into a book I am almost certain the autism ghosts will possess me again and I’ll have to making a 5 hour long rant with a conspiracy style string chart on my wall

GOD mcd as a book genuinely makes me both so excited and terrified at the same time. I've had this ask sitting in my inbox for like a day now because idk entirely how to voice all the opinions i have about this. AT THE VERY LEAST: It's cool that Jess hasn't forgotten entirely about MCD, and while it sounds like the plans to continue myst are more clear/doable (its the same format she's always done, all it takes is for her to write a conclusion she feels satisfied with. which is definitely a large feat but it feels more in-reach than expanding on mcd right now), its cool that theres still an interest for MCD as well.

SORRY THIS POST IS ABOUT TO GET LONG TURNS OUT IM VERY MENTALLY ILL ABOUT THIS SERIES WHO COULDVE GUESSED. SORRY. HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO ESCAPE PLEASE TAKE IT NOW.

CONTINUING: MCD continuation sounds like it is not in reach right now, and not entirely a priority either. It's not even in pre-production yet, it sounds like she hasn't even decided on a format to release it as, which means relatively zero work has gone into making that yet. (Beyond the guideline that has already been written for it in the form of the existing MCD story that we know and are familiar with.) We don't even know if it would be a book!! JESS doesn't even know if it would be a book!! I don't know how I'd feel about it if it WAS a book! She's been vocal about wanting something akin to an anime or animated series before iirc (though i dont remember the source for this so correct me if im wrong), so it could be that thats still something she wants to pursue with and getting a whole animated show at a good quality is hard! I don't know!!! Nobody knows!!!! (And I don't know if she's ever even produced anything aside from Youtube Video Storytelling/RP series. Sure she has a very successful toy line, but that's not really a writing/storytelling medium. And I guess there's the music videos, but those are... um......... bad........ And we know she's no stranger to fanfic, thanks to the fucklist if nothing else, but i've literally never SEEN her writing go towards something that wasnt a Minecraft Youtube Video. On this note, if anyone is familiar with work Jess/the team has done for something that ISNT the medium of things she posts to her youtube channel, please send it my way I'd be very interested in checking it out.)

I think I'm glad that at the very least, it wont be produced in the same style as her modern rps (the style used for mcds3 + modern mystreet content + Rebirth too actually...) because I really don't enjoy that style... to me a big part of MCD honestly is the fact that things are for the most part kept in Aphmau's POV of things, something they ditch alot in modern rp content. But switching that format to something else might not lend to telling it the same way. Which is scary to me!! (honestly I personally think mcd would function really well as a first person visual novel or something along those lines. but if anything, that might require more writing than a book would, since there'd be choices and paths...) And obviously ppl HAVE attempted things similar to retelling mcd as a book before, there might be more MCD rewrites out there than MCD fanfics at this point tbh im not blind. But there's still the difficulty of being able to tell that story well in a medium it was not originally produced in/arguably meant for.

There's also the point of: I don't really Like a lot of the more recent choices Jess has made with MCD's story somewhat recently. The stuff with Irene in Mystreet just feels like a mess, I don't like the idea of the two having crossover. And while Rebirth for the most part was pretty good, there are still some things I have gripes with, mostly with how Aphmau is presented as a character and agency problems she's had since all the way back in mcd s2. There's a very real possibility that I just wont enjoy MCD as the way Jess wants to tell it now. And thats like fine, obviously, but it is also a little disheartening.

and then there's the point of: still knowing that i probably won't like how it ends, WE WILL LIKELY GET AN ACTUAL END. can you imagine that. MCD with an ending. a canon ending. I doubt it would be in the first installment of whatever MCD gets published as (if it gets published at all), seeing as even in Rebirth jess was planning on it having 2 seasons, but still. Even if I don't like the ending, the idea that there will BE ONE OUT THERE for me to bounce off of is incredible to me.

when it comes down to it: i honestly don't have much hopes of MCD ever being officially finished in any capacity. I hate to be a downer about it so soon after news that Should be Good. But the fact that she doesn't even know what MEDIUM she wants it to be in is not a good sign. If it Will ever be officially published in some form, it's likely it won't be for a very very long time. Not like mcd fans are strangers to waiting, but still. As a professional MCD Waiter, I would not be surprised if we are left waiting forever. It happened with original mcd, it happened with rebirth, i do not doubt it will continue happening for a very long time. I'm scared to get my hopes up for a finished story of any kind, because it's never approached Finished before. Its very hard for me to get excited over something I know will likely be abandoned, possibly before it's even been started.

but yeah if we get mcd book ill read it probably. ya know. whatever or something. <guy who is trying not to look like he cares about this a lot

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

life's been okay. nothing special. days just keep on going. ive had a job for bout 2 weeks. ig thats not really an achievement tbh.

before this, that work from home place i was barely working, prolly 5-10 hours a week. and i'd slither out of those where possible anyway. this one week i worked a whopping 2 hours within 2 weeks. I was planning on killing myself and occasionally tried to all throughout having those jobs so i wasn't really worried about the consequences

before that the only other in person job i had was for my ex best friend. she worked there so i applied and got a job o work with her. only for her to quit 2 weeks after i got in whiich lead me to quit prolly a week n a half later cause i finally got fed up with the manager.

so now, even tho it ain't the longest ive held down a place, its the first that i really cared to put in effort to hold a job.

im semi celebrating but im honestly miserable. my feet hurt so fucking bad so it literally doesnt matter how good my hours are i never want to leave my bed. the people up there are so cliquey and on my 2nd day out of training one of my coworkers went off on me for going too slow and "not putting in my part". theyre starting to give me longer and longer shifts. i went from working 3-4 8 hour shifts per week to working 3 doubles just like that. they sooo generously give an hour and a half break in between the 6:30-3 and 4:30-8 shift but.. who in their right mind is even leaving atp? i live too far for that. i'd be home for at most an hour. waste of gas.

and to me what's worse, this whole situation is exactly what i've been avoiding. i knew it'd come down to this someday. but what alternative do i have?

HA. you know as a kid, i never understood addiction. I never thought I'd have to deal with it. By the time I was 8 I knew I'd kill myself someday. if i ever felt bad, that'd be what i'd do. no need to force myself to do something i didnt really wanna do. but now it seems so easy. i don't know what i wanna do from here. i hate my job. i hate my home life. i dont like to talk to my friends anymore. im bored of games. im bored of music. bored of tv.

whisking the days away doing what i have to would be a lot easier if i didnt have to be fully present for all of this. just something to pass the time until i have a better handle on what's the next move. right now, the only thing i can do is save up money. i have shit to pay off if i wanna keep a good credit score and i have things i need to buy. what's me hating every second gonna change?

though i know it's a slippery slope. abusing shit aint gon work out as smooth as I wish it would. I'll get addicted and then I'll get used to feeling that way so it'll take more for me not to get annoyed. then it'll turn back to me immediately running back to it for every minor situation. and honestly with the job i got i'd just have to hope i would be able to push through it without it being noticeable

i'm not happy i stopped. i feel like had i still been on dph i would've known for a fact how to make myself look normal. i could be gone out my mind but long as i get the shit right i could just daze through the days. but ya know. now. i ratted myself out

and now im stuck.

nothing more for me to do. nothing else i could be doing. nothing else i should be worried about other than making money

I never understood why adults always told me i'd miss being a kid since i was always struggling so bad. all they ever said is that my problems then were gonna feel like nothing once i was an adult. but they were wrong. i guess for now. but all i wish now is that i used all that freetime back when nooo one woulda suspected anything if i was away for a lil while. back when i wasnt ful grown and it'd prolly take a whooole lot less to finish the job

but here we are. forced to keep going and doing what i can to suppress what i really wanna do

ah speaking of which... i got pissed the other day and i tossed one of my drawers and broke it. then broke my bottle for my vitamins by throwing it to the ground. then i accidentally knocked over this container of beads and instead of just sweeping it back into the thing and reducing the mess, i just kicked it as hard as i could and tore the container apart. there's still beads everywhere

that is something i can't force myself to contain anymore. everything else i've been dealing with fine but when im pissed im pissed. i gotta get that under control too

[neerikiffu]

i still havent made the link in bio (21.07.24)

idk i can't manage my time! but i've reuninted with the otome addiction

okay let's rule CxM:U out first

i've tried to return to the okazaki after story that ive left off at, and tbh it's just BORING BOOORIIING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF INTEREST

i don't think i'll finish it, and i DEFINITELY don't wanna play the enjailed shiraishi one

yeah it's sad about the all the additional content that's not LI based but really i am amazed how cxm has such an unlikeable lineup (besides yanagi, yanagi one love) (mineo is just too passive yet hes nice)

so

ive touched tengoku struggle

out of the lineup - i really have my eye on yona, like i really really do, if not the soft route order i'd go for him first

otherwise i like goemon, he's nice (my 2nd goemon lol) uga is too sissy and i'm just not a fan of sharaku-like characters even though sharaku is voiced by kaito ishikawa himself

i got spoilered so hard from going on vndb, that jack will be a main character this fucking edgelord jackass and it's not just me to think that

so so far the LI likeability (to me) is kinda bad, 2 likes vs 3 dislikes, kinda like cxm had it

i'll trail off talking about likeability ratios now

so out of all games i played, like/dislike, from least dislike to most:

Olympia Soiree: | 2 vs 4

akaza, kuroba / himuka, yosuga, tokisada, riku

Piofiore: Fated Memories: | 3 vs 3

dante, gilbert, orlok / henri, yang, nicola

Piofiore: Episodio 1926: | 4 vs 1 vs 1

dante, orlok, gilbert, henri / yang / nicola (yang is in a very deserved middle but heck i liked him so much more in the 2nd game, even though he's still second from the end, i like him way way way more here)

Radiant Tale: | 0 vs 4 vs 1

-nobody is my favorite- / radie, ion, paschalia, vilio / zafora zafora is a shitass, also vilio gives "i can fix him" vibes

Cafe Enchante: | 1 vs 1 vs 3

ignis / misyr / il, canus, kaoru i love misyr but his route was hot garbage

Birushana: Rising Flower of Genpei: | 0 vs 3 vs 2

-nobody is my favorite- / noritsune, shungen, benkei / yoritomo, tomomori

My Next Life as a Villainness: | 2 vs 3 vs 1

silva, rozy / alan, nicol, keith / geordo

Nightshade: | 2 vs 1 vs 2

hanzo, goemon / gekkamaru / kuroyuki, chojiro

Cupid Parasite: | 0 vs 3 vs 3

-nobody is my favorite- / raul, shelby, peter / ryuki, gill, allan

Collar X Malice: | 2 vs 3

yanagi, mineo / sasazuka, shiraishi=okazaki

as you can tell im quite picky

saying every middle character is half a point and every bad character is 0, i can rank the games in terms of LIs

okay back to tengoku struggle now

but, order route is route order, and i went for uga first

not my type, from start to finish, but i kind of lived through it

there wasn't anything really plot-relevant going on, and all other LIs almost vanished, they werent around enough at all, even as side characters

the entire route wasn't even really focused on kikunosuke himself, but instead his sister, and how he's sad about his sister

overall it was alright wasn't unenjoyable but wasnt really enjoyable either

i like the routes are not that long

the story is very very linear, your first choice is a route you wanna go on, and then you just have basically no impactful choices, just good vs bad, and there's like 10 of them for the entire route

it's how olympia soiree did things, but at the same time OS had way more ways to trail off the route

i am yet to complete uga's bad end, and i'm very very very looking forward to playing yona next

i'm studying my way through summer, kinda gettting ready to tackle the big thing starting september

so far i'm pretty proud of myself and happy about it, as i did it diligently, and awesome people are helping me lately ive been losing some enthusiasm though

that's all for now, i successfully wasted over an hour of my time writing this out and now my hands hurt and i need rest…

[lovipop2049]

YEAH el and jonathans sibling relationship is so important to me they are not talked about enough and omg yeah all of them as a family and all together for once but then jonathan dying hurts:frowning2:

they really havent been doing too much with jonathans character in the recent season which on one hand, yes, im happy for that because he deserves a break and to smoke weed w his friend, but on the other hand i know the duffers have nothing to do w him prolly and are just gonna kill him off

Yeah, I think so to, but I wanted them to actually talk about it. And yeah I loved bob but I can see why Jon didn't like him at first, and i mean he was probably upset with bob after he gave that advice to will (even tho it wasnt his fault and he didn't know the situation really)

OMG I completely forgot about the waiting room scene. I love hopper sm hes the best guy ever man. I want him to be my dad sometimes tf. But yeah, I reallyyy need them to all be a family in s5 and tbh I just need a spinoff of all of them but theres no upside down or evil russians or anything like that, the amount of money i'd pay… AND YEAH Hopper would instantly know argyle and jonathan smoke and i dont know how that would go either lol. Murray does need to be there I love murray hes hilarious.

Yeah, it's going to hurt so bad when we see Will's reaction. They are the best siblings in the show and I feel like Jonathan (and the rest of the byers family but besides that) at this point is the only one who cares about Will n i love the party but they just… havent like… been there? idk even mike especially him… but anyways. El and Will have the best brother. And it's really gonna suck seeing their reactions. I just want them to be happy :(

YEAH THAT QUOTE. Especially provided that we don't have any context to Argyle's family life or anything like that-- it's really really painful man. I love their friendship so much and like they were perfect for each other ughhh it hurts.

And yes!! I agree, Idk I used to not really care for Jonathan but I guess something clicked and I just really love him now. Also, thank you, I love reading ur posts and reblogs because you're like the only person in this fandom i've seen who actually appreciate jonathan and gives him credit he deserves.

Him dying is really going to suck but everyone, whether u love jonathan or not knows hes gonna get killed off, and it's probably going to be protecting his family. It just hurts so bad, he'll never have gotten to go to NYU, he had his only friend for like a year, finally got his family back and then he just dies. I'll have to fight the urge not to cry but I probably will because he's the main character I care about at this point.

I also honestly really wanted to see him talk to the other characters, like Steve for example. I know theyre on good terms but I wanted them to be friends at least, and even steve said he wanted to hang out with him. And robin, I think they'd be good friends actually and I wanna at least see them interact.

Honestly I think he is the most important character in the series besides El. He's always consistently been there for Will and helped him through so much. He's been there for everyone no matter what he's gone through and I really hope that even if he does die, he'll get a proper funeral and it'll be acknowledged for more than five seconds. IT really sucks because we both know no matter what, even if Jonathan's death is the most impactful one on the show, which I think it will be if it does happen (i'm still in denial) people will still not appreciate him in the slightest and I really don't understand why people are like that with him. Not to drag eddie fans because I really don't like him, but hes got the hugest fanbase out of anyone in the show besides maybe steve and only had like an hour of screentime tops and didn't do much for the plot. And then people drag Jonathan for not doing anything this season but if it wasn't for jonathan everyone would probably be dead. He found El and had the idea to do find her.

@lovipop2049

Now I don't know whose reaction to Jonathan's death I'm dreading the most: Will, Hopper's, or Argyle's.

I already thought about how it will come full circle: Will planning Jonathan's funeral. I hope they don't end it right after his death scene and gloss over the whole thing. That there is some type of closure like they show Jonathan's funeral and Will gives a sweet, touching speech like Cheryl's speech to Jason in Riverdale. It even fits 'He protected me every single day. I wish that day I had protected him...'

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

yoongi biased anon here ! yeah hahah im broke so i had to have that much roommates( i love it tbh it's a lot of fun) and it was surprising to me how all of us are queer lmaoo ( my 12th rommates just came out as bi-curious lol ) i guess queer people attract eachother in some ways ! but yeah jimin bd vlive is when i really paid attention to jkk and honestly if they werent idols and just regular people interating in front of me like that i'd straight up think they're a couple ; +

+ i already thought there was sth between them for sure after the hickey thing (bc during run bts i noticed they always gravitate to eachother and that was susto me but still ) but it was for me just friends fooling around like nothing serious :) until jms bd live when he was deadass acting like a schoolgirl with a crush i was like what the fuck lol, but yeah after that i watched gcfs for the first time and they just dropped my jaw to the floor! ++

++ bc i thought i was insane lmao i was in 1d years ago and i have always made fun of larries and shaded them all the time bc shipping for me was so weird ; i never thought id find myself in this situation but here we are hahah ( fun fact i showed my roommates a jkk compilation ( i had to know i wasnt delusional hahah) and they all think theres sth there so yeah ! )

--

Hahhdhsh I get it, but at least it's a very great experience, I don't think there's anything more valuable than a healthy social life. It is surprising that you're all queer yeah, I'm still shocked ngl. I grew up surrounded by queer people but we didn't know it at the time lmao, it's people I've known since kindergarden or middle school and by the end of high school we were all gay. We definitely attract each other.

I personally love that there's so much talk on bisexuality (or people being bi-curious) these days. Back when I was discovering my sexuality like 15 years ago, bisexuality was almost a myth, especially in 3rd world countries. I knew I liked women when I was 11 years old (it wasn't sexual attraction, just fascination but it was different from the way my straight friends felt about girls), but it was only when I was 15 that I really came to know the word "bisexual" and what it meant.

-- if they werent idols and just regular people interating in front of me like that i'd straight up think they're a couple -- YES. It's the same for me. If I knew them as real people you know from everyday life, there would be absolutely no doubt for me. But since I don't know them, I feel more comfortable leaving open a window for doubt.

I'm on the side of Jimin-has-always-been-like-that-about-JK because I've always seen him as pretty transparent, but I know it was a surprise for a lot of people, yeah. I think it was really obvious during 2014 - 2018 and then it stopped being so obvious and now it is again so people are picking up on it lol.

I was a 1D fan too. Never consider myself a larrie because I never thought they were dating, but I really loved Harry and Louis relationship, I could talk about it for hours. It really was so special even if it lasted like two years 😬 poor men, seriously. I felt terribly bad for them. I couldn't even watch those interviews where people would ask them if they were together and I wasn't surprised when they stopped interacting publicly. Neither were ever comfortable with that.

You know, when GCFT dropped, a lot of people started talking about jikook as a couple, and the majority of the fandom was going around like "omg you're gonna ruin their relationship like larry stop shipping them" blah blah blah. It's funny because after a while everyone just stopped saying that to jikookers lmao. Because it clearly never happened. Their relationship was never ruined because of that.

Yeah I imagine that watching them must be like staring at a flashing sign for LGBTQ men lmao. Even if they're not in a relationship, there is something there, and that's something we can all agree on.

[woozi]

yes, english :3. it's funny my country is literally known for its diversity & endless languages (and it flexes about it too lmao) but in reality does nothing to help in/encourage learning other languages. hindi & eng are the only languages schools teach & 3rd one depends on what state you live in. minority languages are not even in options.

ahhh learning that people out there are trying to preserve their languages and culture <3 it feels good to know, i hope they keep doing it that's really great!

hehe that's good no? :3 trying out new stuff even if only for some time also has its charm <3 and oh godddd those are great picks! 24h & fallin flower will never fail to amaze me <3 callx3 & hit, so trueee i agree! i personally like 'oh my' too! along w/ these. since it clearly speaks for the song's lyrics. like wonu controlling the human cube in start & the thinking poses during chorus. it all vibes so well with the song's concept. i really like when choreo clearly speaks the song to the audience.

yesss ofc! i plan to complete vincenzo before year ends dhjdjdkd. NO WAYYY! PLEASE COME TO HOMECHA UNIVERSE <3 you'll love it here!! dimple couple are very wholesome so are others 🥺.

yes those are the playlists made by spotify! usually i don't like playlists' made by the app for other songs but with kpop especially for indie and rnb songs, i do sometimes check it.

cringe domestic boy made ME a cringe fan today, yza 😭 feeling so deranged rn </3. so many pictures by mr joshu??? are we living in right universe? (maybe i should b*lly him more? this is a sign) ALSO omg i've never heard abt joshua and woozi covering a 1d song fhdjjrkrkedn good for them djjdkddk.

HFJDDKSK 'forgotten love' <//3 next project. but yeah that's true, there is literally so much happening i feel like if i were to pay attention to everything i'd be overwhelmed.

the way you asked abt cb and they dropped the poster dhdjjdkd, i was going to say i actually don't have any particular thing in mind but i'd really like something like fear or good to me or getting closer. something stronger, also yes i agree w you we need some cock music <3 ( ik the insta pictures are behind pictures from their merch shoot but all these soft nature pictures on insta while their other social media accounts have dark layout is so funny to me 😭😭😭 pls don't shatter my strong fiery cb expectations svt)

i'm so surprised that they dropped the poster one month before cb, even more surprised with the scheduler too omggg 😭😭 i've become so used to 2 - 1.5 week before, cb announcements now lmao.

something abt this cb feels so different <3 ( also hoping for studio choom & dance relay this time </3 i miss it 🥺)

that's good to know <3 hope this good energy with uni persists for you <3. also saw that you'll get time during cb release that's so good <3 hope you get to enjoy it to the fullest. i'm doing great! it's raining too much here (it shouldn't rn 💀) so that's lil meh but overall i'm good, thank you for asking <3. omg pls 💗🥺 sending you a hug back!

hjdkdsk i was trying different font to make ask look lil smaller hddjdjkd but yes i do copy- paste bcoz i type in notes first :3 (in case tumblr decides its hungry which has not happened yet hdjdjd) - 🪂

ohh now i get it </3 it's still mostly like that here too, and a lot of native languages of ours are dying as well. it's one of the things i'm so sad abt :/ that's why i was v surprised when they somehow started incorporating more into secondary education!!

LOOOVE THAT PERSPECTIVE SM 😭 im just out here feeling like a jack of all trades, master of none lmao HFHJFDH ALSO YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! svt's peak summer concept (... or is it the only hdshjds) tbh <3 i love the choreo on the 2nd half of the chorus sm <3 also v great point!! a lot of creative directors focus on that and the way u presented this just piqued my interest bc... wow their methods Work Well HJDHJDSH

i haven't watched kdramas in a while (mostly bc they're so long fjfhdj) until i came across vincenzo and im so glad i did <3 JHDSHJDSJ SORRY I KEEP TALKING ABT IT ENDLESSLY!! BUT ALSO OMG a lot of my classmates have also been talking abt hometown chax3 and i keep putting it in my list but i saw that it's not finished yet?? is it not?? am i crazy??? from what i've seen on netflix new eps come weekly??? and if i become obsessed and the new ep takes a WHOLE ASS WEEK to come out... what then... but IM SOOO PUMPED FOR IT the previews i have been seeing look so cute </3

ALSO OMG ME TOO!!! i was actually v v surprised when i checked out one of the daily mixes and none of the songs in them were flops HJDHJ

HONESTLY,,, I GET IT,,,,,,, JOSHUA'S BEEN TAKING UP SPACE IN MY CRAMMED BRAIN TOO LIKE,,,, SIR,,,, NOT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD,,??? ALSO,,,,, JOSH FROM THE TEASER,,, OH MY GO,D,,, I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED BAD BOY JOSH IN MY LIFE????????? LIIKE??????????????? I NEVER EVEN IMAGINED IT WAS POSSIBLE????????????????????????? THAT I WOULD BE SEEING T H A T IN MY LIFETIME????????????/ CHURCH BOY JOSH,,, LOOKING LIKE THIS????????????????????????? HELP MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

and yes omg there were 2 performances of it iirc HFHJFDHJ here's the first one and another one 😭 also i can't find the josh x jihoon vid (i forgot the song title hfdhf) so here's predebut josh w sunday morning instead hfjhfd HJDSJHSD

and that's v v good that you're doing it at your own pace <3 love that <3 i feel like im working some kind of job keeping up w it all ngl 😭

AND HELL YEAH OH MY GODDD WE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GETTING A MIX OF ALL THOSE BASED ON THE CONCEPT TRAILER??? WE'RE NOT ONLY GETTING COCK MUSIC, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GETTING ROCK AS WELL 😭 ALSO UR SO RIGHT HFDHJDFJHFD there's literally no in between when u go to their official ig page they're like,,,,, here's some cute dicon teasers <3 oh and hoshi + mg being whores,,, AND THEN SOME COTTAGECORE BOYS!! <3 and now some fucking cock teasers <3 WHAT IS GOING ON 😭😭😭 everyday i wake up to new shit and although it is Some Work keeping up w them i love it sm it keeps me from going insane w real life fhjdfhj also i know we already talked abt this previously but w all the things coming out rn.... i ask... once again... How... do they have 276 hours in a day wtf 😭

ALSO YES WITH MY WHOLE FUCKING CHEST????????????????????????????????????? i was so surprised when it dropped 😭 i wasnt expecting anything so i turned off all my notifs that day so i could focus on studying and alas.... i was 40 mins late to the announcement oh my god

WHY ARE UR TAKES SO GOOD <3 UR SO VALID AND UR SO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just know,,, that the studio choom vid will take me out,, i KNOW IT,,, they really seem to be hyping up this cb it really does feel v diff and v Big to me <3 by the looks of it they really should tho it looks like a fucking banger!!

AND NAURR THE WAY U EVEN SAW THAT </3 i have the power of god and anime on my side this semester ig HJFHJFDHJFD i was honestly super worried (i kinda need to touch grass rn lol) that i would be late to the cb since my classes end at 7 pm and the boys usually release by 6 HJDHJSD but it seems like they're targeting another market now so i'm also relieved and excited for them!! and thank u omg, WE will enjoy it together!! <3 the global warming really is so- also do u not like rainy days or 👀 on the other hand it's SOOO fucking hot here when it should be raining so????????????? god what is HAPPENING.

also that is v smart of u <3 i've had WAYY too many asks get eaten.. you stay safe out there 😭😭😭

AGAIN!! LOVE U THANK U FOR HANGING OUT W MEEEE <3 IM SO EXCITED TO SPEND THIS CB W U!!

[chinon]

imma junior in high school and im so scared of college oh my god, i'm not even fully convinced that im gonna make it that far, i feel like that's literally my only option after i graduate that's not forcing me to immediately act like an adultTM but honestly i'd rather get mowed down by a truck

ok tbh college isnt as bad as i make it seem... like if you keep up with the work its not that bad. i have hella missing/late assignments rn so im stressed af trying to get those done as well as keeping up with the current work bc i have an.....incredibly horrible time management and procrastination issue and poor self-control lmao... 

tip: if you have issues with time management and procrastination as well, work on them in high school. you have the rest of junior year and then all of senior year to improve your work ethic (if thats an issue for you) so you wont get behind in college

Overshare(TM) time but also it has a point ok: junior year was Hell for me bc that was the year my mental health Plummeted,,like to the lowest level of hell lmao it was real bad and thats when i started seeing therapists and psychiatrists and had my first hospitalization and first suicide attempt. my mental health was horrible and i couldnt function and i was literally failing (as in F’s) or i had a D in all of my classes. it honestly felt horrible bc id been in advanced classes since i was 6 and id always been an overachieving, perfectionist, A/B student you know my performance was really good (even tho i was still mentally ill...but it was manageable) all up until junior year,,so going from being able to get into almost any college i wanted to a 1.something gpa junior year was horrible and it stressed me out even more and added to my poor mental state and i was so fucking scared i wasnt gonna be able to graduate and i no college would ever accept me and i wouldnt be able to go for my dream of being a vet and id be a disappointment to my whole family bc im supposed to be the doctor of the family but i failed at everything right ?? lmao senior year also sucked it wasnt as bad as junior year but it was still really bad. had a few more hospitalizations and another attempt at offing myself and more F’s and D’s and missed a ton of school. it got to the point where my fucking ap lit teacher suggested that i consider dropping out l m f a o it was bad and i was so scared and i’d already been heavily considering just dropping out and getting a GED for those two years but after she said that to me i actually got really pissed off and i was like fuck that im not dropping out im gonna prove her wrong. i was still scared i wasnt gonna graduate bc of how low my gpa was but i wasnt gonna drop out right ok anyway i got to graduate on time and with my class!!! i graduated with a cumulative 3.2 which sucked for me but it felt so good and i was so happy and relieved when i found out i was gonna be able to walk and it felt so so good hearing my name and walking across the stage to get my diploma i cant even describe how i felt tbh anyway my point is you can and you will get there ok you will graduate. and you can go to college if you want to

yeah when you go to college youre technically an adult but like a semi-adult like youre saying. and some of the other options like going straight into the workforce kind of shoves you into adulthood right out of college but i think its doable.

tbh high school teachers make college seem so difficult and scary but.....its not. i was honestly terrified as well but its not how they say it is at all. “papers without names get thrown away they dont ask whose it is!!!” is a damn lie. “profs dont accept late work or give extensions!!!” is a got dam lie as well smh. “youre on your own with your work. dont get the content? your only option is a tutor!!!” fuckin lie ok profs have office hours and literally all of my profs so far have said to feel free to visit during office hours if the content isnt making sense. they also mention getting a tutor, but theyre always happy to help explain things as well.

best thing is you get to make your schedule!! you pick what time you want to take a class and you get to pick which prof you want for that class (always check rate my professor; if the semester starts and its still in the beginning and you dont like your prof you can withdrawal from that class and sign up for a different prof of the same class if you want). if you know you are having trouble with performance and functionality for whatever reason, dont take a bunch of classes in a single semester!! its literally your decision!! idk about other schools but at my school to be considered a full-time student and to still be eligible to live on campus, you have to sign up for at least 12 credit hours (most people take 15). omg credits,,ok i had no idea wtf anyone was talking about when i was in hs and they would mention credits lmao so i wanna share in case you (or anyone else) dont know (see it below!) also, you can go about taking classes at your own pace. i failed my classes last semester due to mental health shit and a few more failed attempts to off myself and another hospitalization lmao but so i have to retake all those classes. evidently im behind. i know i cant handle 15 credits until my functionality improves and so at this point in time it looks like i wont be graduating in the usual four years but thats ok!! i have disorders that affect my functionality so i cant do things at the same pace as other people right now and theres nothing wrong with that. if i graduate in four years then cool and if i dont graduate in four and instead five years...then cool...ive accepted and come to terms with that. i could take summer classes to get back on track tho so remember thats always an option if you get behind if you choose college!! 

credit hours: ok so to be considered full-time (at my school, not sure about any others but i cant imagine them being too different tbh) you have to register for at least 12 credits for that semester. one class is usually 3 credits so signing up for four classes in a semester would consider you full-time. if you sign up for 5 classes that semester thats 15 credits hours. if your class has a lab in addition to lecture (usually science classes), labs are 1 credit so its separate from the lecture. so say you signed up for four classes but two have labs that would be 3+3+4+4=14 possible credits for that semester. if you pass a class you get all the credits and theyll be added on to your total credit hours. so (from the last example) if you passed all four of those lectures plus the two labs, youd get all 14 credits added on to your total credit hours. the rest of the classes you pass for your whole undergrad work gets its credits added to that total. i hope that makes sense??

everything seems scary rn but i promise whatever you choose to pursue is doable. good luck and try not to stress about it too much ok youre gonna be fine i promise

[lgbtpolitics]

So I just thought I'd add some more details and recent developments mainly bc I am venting and also because I guess this may be an interesting story for some people.

So the backstory of all this is that he is a friend of mine who first said he was in love with me over 2 years ago. At this point I said I thought I was a lesbian (he knew me as bi but I had told him I preferred women) it was an intense time period. He flip flopped a fair bit between him being like full on in love and sort of fancying me a bit. In hindsight I should have realised the latter was him just trying to make it not weird and sorted it out more there and then.

But that didnt happen so we progressively got closer, there were other issues going on in our friend group that pushed us towards spending a lot of time just the two of us. That was always a bad idea tbh but as I said I believed (sort of wanted to believe really) that it was a casual thing that would go away.

He started basically making us into a "duo". By that I mean, we were always together, we had our own in jokes, which he loved to reference. He loved to mention that we had a different sense of humour to others and things like that.

Things got really weird about a year in, when for the first time in a while, I kissed someone else in his presence. He wasnt technically there for the kiss, he was at the bar though, and i quite happily told him about it straight after. I should have thought about it, but I really didnt, it had been a while since we had even talked about it. Anyway he freaked out on me, calling her a twat (she wasnt there anymore) saying I'd abandoned him to make out with someone, all kinds of things really. I did know deep down it was more about his feelings but he insisted it was primarily friendship and he felt I'd left him out.

This basically carried on happening in different scenarios. One time was just because a girl I knew bought me a shot. All of these times he did semi acknowledge that his feelings were influencing it, but insisted he also felt genuinely left out because "we were each others only friends" (that is not technically true but the others are more distant with us and that's what he was referencing). Some times were worse than others, people around would occasionally be worried about me. I dont think he ever realised what that looked like, he was never a violent person but at the end of the day he is twice the size of me and would be leaning over me, shouting. I still feel bad about some of the people who got in the middle of our BS. He was always very apologetic, but I never really felt like we got to the heart of it, but if I brought it up when we hadn't been fighting he would get very upset and hurt that I thought of our friendship as a problem.

Jumping to the other night, basically he started bringing it all up again- I told him not to, because wed been drinking (about 80% of this happened when we were drunk and I just couldn't be bothered with another drunken fight) but we did, and this basically descended into him trying to persuade me into being with him, something he has never actually done before, unless you count saying that I'm not gay because of the guys I've slept with before. Some of it was really nasty about how he doesn't have anyone else, I'd never find anyone better, quite a lot driven by homophobia too (basically saying all I wanted was pussy). It went on for a couple of hours it was very weird. The next day he apologised for being horrible but was really centred on how it was stupid because it would never convince me anyway. I felt like that wasnt the point so I kind of said, well what would have happened if I had given in, and he said that he would have gone along with a relationship, and would not have wanted to find out if I felt pressured for fear I would bail. He said he knew that was bad, but how bad could he think it is if he would go along with it, and he was saying things like he wouldn't want a relationship out of pity, making me feel like he didnt understand what my real problem was.

(This is getting very long so I'm going to make a separate post about what happened today and how I feel about it now. Idk why I think 2 posts is better than one long one I just do)

The other day my friend shouted at me for hours trying to convince me to go out with him. He then admitted later that yeah he literally would have manipulated me into a relationship and stayed in it if I had caved. I'm still reeling tbh.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Ig this would be the.. intro? I dunno. It's just gonna be a storyline of how I ended up here. I'm sorry that it's so long

I used to be mildly into benadryl when I was in middle school. I took it a few times for it's intended purpose not thinking nothing of it but then I started noticing I like the drowsiness of it

Which led me to taking some damn near everyday before school. It wasn't anything crazy. I think the most I did was 50 mg. But most days it was the basic ass 25

My parents started hiding our pills after I opened up about a suicide attempt in 8th and up until very recently, we had no medicine at our reach.

I guess I wasnt that addicted. I was slightly salty but I moved on pretty quick. And after a while, I looked back at that time like.. oh WOW uh. That coulda been a problem. Least I dodged it? 😅

Wrong.

I'm now 19 (was 18 when all this first went down tho). I went to visit my mom for Christmas and during the trip I got a bad sinus infection. Tho I didn't realize that was what it was. She ended up giving me some of my younger sisters benadryl. It was. So fucking gross. It was liquid and it was not as potent since it was for kids so I had to take what felt like gallons of it.

By the end of the trip she told me I could just take the rest cause she didn't need it really and I might have issues again from being around all those ppl again on my way back

I didnt really think nothing of it. I liked the feeling but I wasn't thinking about going to my old ways at the time

But there was this day that I was just bored. And I saw the bottle staring at me. And I was just like meh. Why not?

Which is what landed me here. I liked it so much. I decided to buy some tablets on my own so I could do it again. My best friend used to abuse dph so she was casually telling me about some concoction she took that had her feeling nice and I decided I wanted to try it too

It hit me hard those first few times. I was taking random doses with loads of Tylenol. I couldn't tell you how much I took half the time. I would just be dancing around my room, chugging whatever energy drink i picked and taking em as I felt like it was starting to taper some.

Those first few times were. Very weird. My memory was so bad I was forgetting things mid thought/sentence. I had a really hard time talking to my bsf when I was gone off it. My vision wss lowkey blurry and I would be thinking about something and forget that I'm just THINKING it and it's not actually happening and by the time I look back down, ive texted her some nonsense

She used to find it funny tbh. She did warn me against using Tylenol frequently as she fucked her liver at the ripe age of 17 abusing that. So I decided to stop mixing and just focus on benadryl and monsters. Then I started to run out of money for energy drinks so I decided to just up my dosages so I'd feel good off of benadryl alone

I think by this point I started taking... 500? Damn near everyday. Once it was nighttime, I would get high. Unless I didn't feel like it or I forgot, I was high

I used to doordash it to me so my parents wouldn't get suspicious about me going places and only walking out with pills and drinks. But I quickly ran through sm money doing that. Doordash is expensive as is but after a point the packs I was buying would last all of a day or two.

By the time this was going on it was still all jokes and I still felt like I wasn't doing any harm. And she didn't either. We both got high together at one point. We just talked and did our thing til we passed out on vc. I believe this was around... February?

This is gonna seem random but. You remember how I said I visited my mom for Christmas? I got there by flight. But in order to get a cheap ticket I had to sit around and wait for my next flight. There was like... 10 hours of downtime. At the time, me and my best friend didn't talk for that that long. We'd play games together and vc, but usually once we got bored we'd talk for a bit more and say our goodbyes. But this layover junk had me scared. 10 hours is a long ass time. Someone could snatch me up or rob me. I dunno. I guess I was being paranoid

But I asked her one day if she minded staying on vc with me during it. And to my surprise she said yeah. I tried to warn her and shake her off the day of. She seemed sleepy and I was honestly nervous to be talking to her for that long. I thought she'd get bored and just be mad that she agreed

I've always been really antsy and was always worried about people being annoyed by how quiet I am. So I usually overcompensate. But with everything going on, I really couldn't keep up the bubbly thing for that long. I think by hour 4 I was done. My thighs stung from me wearing these jeans I had to pull up every 5 seconds, I was hungry but I didn't wanna eat in her ear, and I was really sleepy.

But even with all that said, it ended up being.. so fun. I wasn't even doing anything particularly interesting. But that's honestly what made it fun. Being on the phone with her taught me what comfortable silence felt like. It was... really nice to have someone I didn't have to worry about doing all that for. She didn't act any different towards me whether I'm on 1000% or being a hermit. She said she'd be there and she was determined to be there.

And while I didn't realize it at the time, I now see that day as when I fell for her. It iss. Kinda weird to think about now. To sum up the rest, we started talking way more; to a point where we were on vc for days and days at a time and we could go hours talking about whatever. Our families started to be familiar with us, to a point where they felt comfortable talking to me and vice versa. Those few months were amazing really

But ofc. All good things must come to an end. I didn't really realize it but she started catching feels as well. But, her girlfriend broke up with her. I guess its fair. We were always talking and shed forget to text her back being busy doing shit with me. She actually said she felt the same way towards me. But she decided that she should be focusing on fixing/proving herself to girlfriend even if that meant ignoring what all happened between us.

It still stings a lot. But at the time?? It was. A huge shock. I already was kinda letting go entirely in front of her. It had gotten to the point where we were always on the phone. So having her just like. Hey yeah I did say I love you and I do, but I love my girlfriend more so we can't talk like that anymore. I was sobbing. I didn't understand what I should do. How could she literally sit there and do all that and just.. boom yeah no more of that. I enjoyed it and you enjoyed it but we can't. I can't lose her

I felt so pathetic and I just wanted to stop thinking about it. Which led me to try to forget it with dph. And it didn't work. At all. I was still scream crying into my bed wishing I could go back to the not so complicated times of before. We were just existing. Enjoying each others company and doing what we felt like. But now, I have to worry about stepping on toes and being conscious of how often we speak cause her girlfriend will get upset if we talk too often

I couldn't even blame the gf tbh. It was completely fair for her to be upset. Which made it feel.. so much worse. I didn't know who to be mad at

And i just.. couldn't figure it out. So I kept going to dph. It got to a point where it wasn't even helping much. It just felt routine. This all went down late february/early march and between now and then, I was almost never sober. I'd stop for at most a few days. Then I'd start crying or something and go back. Not even entirely cause of her anymore. Just everything. I was so fragile. Anything that even mildly irritated me would make me want dph. Plus, it didn't help that I have been genuinely haviing big issues going on anyway.

Before all this went down, I failed a course and lost a scholarship that was the only reason I could afford the in the first place. So I dropped out. Or tried to. My uni's semesters were structured where there was 3 months of school and 3 months of work but none of their job opportunities were close enough to be feasible. So I technically was in school but.. not? I dropped out late february. And after a while of slow back and forth about that, by the time they finally let me out the school, they decided to drop the bombshell that the charges on my account were not for the winter 2022 term, they were from the fall. I'm assuming it's payment for the lost scholarship but I now owe them nearly 7k and they won't give me my transcript until I clear that.

I already had to borrow money anyway so I now owe... 22k? I believe? From one singular semester.

That all coming together is what made me spiral. I had learned that all about late april and I only had a week left to turn in my application for my next school. But now? No chance. I don't have 7k lying around so I can't prove I went to school. So i'm fucked. Least til Summer term

But, I think I'll be on the hook for my student loan soon. I haven't been in school since January. So it just. piled up. I never wanted to be here anyway and now I'm going to be stuck slaving working off my debt for something I was never really that interested in.

I was constantly high around this time. I'd usually wait til nighttime but then? I couldn't stand to be with my thoughts period. I was taking 600 and up everyday. Sleeping whenever and waking up, taking more, then going back to sleep.

Towards the end of this months long streak, I was planning on killing myself. I saw that if the student dies, loan debt would be cleared and I figured my uni wouldn't be pressed enough to hound the family of a dead ex student over 7k. I had it all prepared and everything and I was fully ready. I had bought a 1000 pill bottle of dph a little bit before all the stuff between me and my best friend went down and I still had plenty. I had gotten used to taking grams and up atp as well. So I figured all I had to do is take a few grams and wait.

But, I tried to give my best friend a heads up as in the past, I said I would. I didn't want to lie even if that did mean scaring her for the moment. I didn't say it outright. I was just being real ominous and telling her to find someone cooler if I take too long to be online again and shit. But omg.. It stung so hard to see how scared she was. I thought I was doing her a favor for letting her know that I possibly wouldn't be around but she was so fucking scared. And I felt horrible for it. Ofc, I know that is better than hitting her blind and lying. But yeah.

I couldn't go through with it though. There was so many times where I was going to but I was dreading not speaking to her. I hated ignoring her. And I just started thinking on if I survived. I'd have so much to explain to my parents. Plus, they'd be babying me for however long they end up doing that this time and they'd be watching me for a bit. I wouldn't be able to get high for a looooong time if I get caught

So I just. Stayed. Not really cause I want to but cause I don't want to deal with the consequences of me not staying. And in the meantime I got even more fucked off dph. I was getting to a point where I could barely feel anything below 300mg and I'd for the most part being taking shit in the 750-1k range. I think the highest I've gone was 1.25k? I dunno

But it got... really old. After you get into super high dosages the dry mouth thing turns into a lot more than just dry mouth. It became routine to be using eye drops 24/7 just to read texts cause my eyes were so dry they were making everything blurry. I'd feel so sick and sleepy for days after. And I was always so fucking thirsty.

So I tried to replace it with other shit. I tried to get back into dxm. I really liked it and that one time me and my best friend got high on it together made me chase that same feeling for a good while before I gave up on it and got back to dph. I tried to get back into it recently but swallowing all those damn pills is just. Too much. I tried delta 8. She really harped on it being good and she seems to really like smoking but for me? Delta 8 wasn't nearly strong enough for me to consider it a replacement to dph. I'd sit there and smoke all day and feel slightly different. It ended up getting used solely as a booster for when I took dph.

And that about brings us to now. I've gone a week here and there "quitting" benadryl but. I always circle back. I get really shaky and moody when I withdraw cold turkey so recently when I did it I made sure to taper instead. And it worked... relatively well. I was still was more irritable than usual but I wasn't ticcing so. Good enough

Uh is that offensive to say? I dunno. It's the firdt thing that came to mind. The first time I did it I kept jerking my head to left and I did it so much my neck was burning and cramping. I couldn't stop it unless I was in front of others out of fear of getting caught and even that was only to an extent. I couldn't control it at all and I couldn't sleep for 3 days cause my head just kept on jerking

I thought I'd be done for good after that last one tbh. But I was going to try dxm again cause I was falling off the deep end again and I wanted benadryl but I figured dxm would be a good replacement for the time being as I already had enough for 3rd plat on deck and I really don't have the money to buy anything else. So I took my usual nausea concoction so I won't puke up all the pills. 3 pepto bismol pills and a small amount of benadryl.

What I wasn't thinking of, however, is that my tolerance had greatly lowered since I wasn't taking high ass doses 24/7. at the time I was doing dxm regularly I was use to half grams of dph so 150 was really nothing

But that wasn't the case. I was waiting for the benadryl to kick in so that I'd know when I was good to get going with taking all 80 million of the damn dxm pills. But once the dph kicked in.. I really wasn't thinking about dxm anymore. It felt so good. I missed it sm.

I am. Kinda sad that I'm back to it. As I'm writing this I'm off a 3pm 200mg dose. It's really just the remnants atp but better than nothing ig. I've been trying to keep my doses as small as I can. But with that, I've been a lot more comfortable being high throughout the day so ig it aint that much of an improvement. It's gotten to the point where I'll take it when I'm out and about as well. I was just at the mall bout to pass out cause I decided to take some while I was there.

I just. I dunno. It just feels right atp. I'm so fucking sad all the damn time and this at least diverts my focus. I don't have to be sad about what a failure I've become. I can just focus on being sad about how sick I feel or how much I hate being dependent on allergy medicine. And people don't realize it but they prefer me high. I swear. Within the week I was off it I was told I looked sickly, depressed, and I bummed out my best friend a multitude of times.

I'm less self-conscious on it. I'm just so focused on staying up that it takes more effort for that sort of thing to poke through. So it usually doesn't. 99% of the pictures I take are when I'm high and everyone has been really glad I'm "getting out my shell" I've never been huge on pictures but. lol.

I've never really had too much off the hallucinatory effects benadryl is popular for. Ofc, I've had my moments towards the beginning but nowadays? Never. Unless I nap on it I'm pretty much normal. When I sleep uh. it gets fuzzy ngl. But all the shit about like. Hatman, static, spiders? Never. I just daydream more vividly and I do gotta put in the effort to not forget that's all they are. Plus, it makes music so much better. It's so nice to be able to listen to a song cause I like it rather than to drown out my thoughts. It makes all the basic shit just. Feel good.

Though, I know I need to stop at some point. I'm constantly dehydrated and I'm going to build a tolerance again. I've been good about not going over 200 lately but give it a week and I'm sure something's going to upset me to where I go over that

I'm going to use this page to go into specifics about my habit cause now that she's concerned about it, I don't want to talk to her on it more than I have to. So that will include, thoughts and feelings and possibly symptoms if I'm feeling up for it. It's mostly for me to keep track but if anyone wants to watch feel free.

Though, I'll say this much. If you are going to try and talk me out of it, don't. Not saying it like that but. I know what I'm doing is harmful. I already have an ulcer off the mere 5 months I've been doing this and my heart does it's own thing at times. And to the droves of ppl that love to scream oH sMoKe iNsTeAd!1!11! or jUsT dO dXm!!!1!!111!! pay for it and I will. til I can afford to casually drop the money to buy bottle after bottle of pills for dxm or the copious amounts of weed I'd need to replace dph, I'm just gonna do me and try my best. Sorry if that ain't good enough for yall as well.