#was having a hard time with the weight for the scars so i didnt draw all of them u-u

[gaydeivs]

YEA YEA YEA BRYAIN REF BRYAIN REF!!!

[anilec-dragon-art-and-stuff]

Alright next character, here we go. Yes its been a while. But i havent been really motivated to do another one of these until now, sorry.

General Information

• Name: Cylieria Esper

• "Nickname": Esper (Most of the time the group calls her by her last Name. Elari started it, as it was easier to remember/pronounce and now they all do it)

• Age: 73 (the "human equivalent" would be somewhere around 19)

• Race: High Elf

• Class: Rogue

• Pronouns: She/Her

• Romantic Orientation: Biromantic

• Sexual Orientation: Bisexual

Physical Appearance

(As always, you can check the included picture)

• Eye color: Blue

• Skin color: Very slightly tanned

• Hair color: Black

• Height: 1,62m

• Weight: 65kg

• Body type: Slim build with no clearly defined muscles

• Scars/Birthmarks: Almost faded slave brant on her right hand, its barely visible anymore

• Other distinguishing features: (Later on as the Story progresses: Her left arm is replaced by an enchanted wooden prostetic)

• Disabilities: Missing her left arm (happend during the Story, so thats why there is no pic of that yet)

• Fashion style: In casual situations goes for a simple clothing style. In a more fancy setting or a night out, likes to wear more elegant, often pretty revealing clothes

Drawing by me

Psychological Traits

• Personality: Cocky and way too full of herself. Overly confident in her own abilities. Often times flirty all the way to indecent.

• Temperament: Hard to get a rise out of her, she usually just counters with a stupid comment

• Hobbies: Later on picks up wood carving

• Morals/Virtues: She tries to help others if she can but wont always go out of her way to do so

• Phobias/Fears: Fear of losing the people she cares about due to her not being able to save them

• Bad habits: Very rarely takes things seriously. Will often make stupid or inappropriate jokes even in serious conversations

• Secrets: During the begin of her travels she keeps her life before adventuring a secret, including where she is from, what happend to her former best friend and why she left home. But as the "story" moves on, the others will learn of this.

• Regrets: Convincing her former best friend to the coming of age "challenge" that got them killed as well as letting them go in alone

Abilities etc.

• Physical abilities: Very dexterous, incredibly good at climbing (even with only one arm she is the best climber out of All of them), good at wrapping people around her Finger with her words, pretty convincing liar

• Magical abilities: No inherint magical abilities, but the prosthetic that she gets later on is magical, so that it functions like am actual part of her body

• Languages known: Common, elvish

Relationships

• Partner(s)/Significant other(s): During the events of the "story" none (but their might be some small things written after the adventure which might include a romantic relationship)

• Parents/Guardians: Cora Esper (mother), Rami Esper (Father)

• Children: none

• Best friends:

Former: Adriella (deceased)

Current: Elari

• Friends: The rest of the group

Short Overview of Backstory

She Was born in a small elven village near a "cursed" forest

In said forest there is a cave where something (no one really knew what) lived, that usually kills anyone who gets to close, any attempts du kill it had failed and so the elders of the village declared the area of limits (they didnt move away as the thing never seemed to leave the forest)

However over the years it became a test of Courage or thing among teenagers, to go over to the cave and have a Look inside (some came back, some didnt, that still didnt stop others from going)

When Cylieria was about 50 years old (human equivalent would be around 15) she decided she wanted to try it as well and wanted to take her best friend of the time, Adriella, with her

Adriella originally didnt wanted to go, but Cylieria was always very good with her words, very charming and convincing, so she managed to change her friends mind

They snuck into the forest and when they reached the cave, decided one should stand guard in case some of the adults were patrolling the area to stop teenagers from coming here.

It was Cylieria who would stand guard, Adriella was the one who went in

Tho she didnt stay in very long, instead she came running and screaming towards the exit but before she could escape the something pulled her back into the darkness and that along with the abruptly cut of scream was the last thing Cylieria ever saw and heard of her friend.

She ran back home, but completly in shock it took everyone a while to figuew out what she Was talking about had happend

The events caused her to fall into depression, since she heavily blames herself for the death of her friend. Her parents were very supportive and tried to help her out of it, but eventually she couldnt stand it anymore and in a fit of guilt, ran away from home, without telling anyone

So for the next 20 years she traveled the World, never really staying somewhere too long, since it was the thrill of New experiences, that allowed her to surpress her guild and memories of the events.

Her charming and laid back behaviour is now often used as a mask to fool others but mostly herself, into believing that everything is alright

She got into trouble with a criminal originisation tho in one of the cities, which let her to eventually meet Rúnya (so thats why i will write that properly at some point)

And from that point on she travels with the group so thats the point where the "story started", so thats as much as i will write in here for now 😅

[kumzume]

glam ft. todoroki shotō [smhub]

wc. 2.8k :3

warnings. ownership, soft-ish!dom reader, edging, v v lowkey pet play (u call him bunny lol), quiet whiny shoto, begging, miss k*nk (?), slight humiliation k*nk, crying, um

an. SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG HOLY S WORD I HOPE ITS OK I DIDNT GET ANYONE TO BETA IT SO IF THERE ARE ISSUES M SO SORRY LOVE YALL TY FOR WAITING

▼・ᴥ・▼

shoto todoroki was so pretty.

it wasn’t like he wasn’t aware — he’d heard the whispers amongst the girls back at U.A. about how attractive he was. that didn’t keep him from believing those words, his insecurities gripping him so tightly that he was unable to even imagine that anyone found him remotely appealing.

that is, until he met you.

when you first transferred into 3-A, the class was thrown into an uproar. you were beautiful, kind, and funny with a powerful quirk to boot! and yet, you never believed that you were better than anyone else, always treating every single person with respect — even bakugou (shoto couldn’t even pretend to understand how you did it but still, the behavior was so undeniably you).

it was all of your remarkable traits that ended up being shoto’s downfall. he believed you were way out of his league — you deserved someone emotionally available and sweet, things that todoroki felt, no knew, he was not. besides, with every single guy in the nearest vicinity falling for you, he knew he didn’t even have a chance.

so, shoto resigned himself to observe you from afar, watching your interactions with his closest friends and classmates, wishing that he could make you smile as wide as kirishima and deku or laugh as hard as sero and denki.

he knew he didn’t measure up and while he tried to make himself okay with that, he felt jealousy bubbling up beneath his skin when he observed shinsou helping you with your homework or bakugou training with you after school.

of course, he realized he didn’t belong to you or you to him and he had no real reason to be envious of whoever you chose to spend your time with but that didn’t stop him from fucking his hand late at night at the thought of you hovering over him, pressing soft kisses to his mangled scar and calling him beautiful.

shoto came embarrassingly quick with that fantasy, the shame and disappointment overwhelming him to the point where he’d purposefully ignored you for days after.

he could tell you were hurt by his behavior — he wasn’t entirely oblivious — but he knew it was for the best. you deserved so much more than him.

the both of you graduated and moved on to your respective agencies, shoto swiftly making his way up to the number 2 spot while you sat comfortably at number 17. neither of you saw each other very often but when you did, conversation was stilted and a bit awkward due to the intense attraction and inability to act on it on shoto’s part.

shoto was willing to go the rest of his life like this; seeing you briefly in passing, stumbling through a discussion with much difficulty, and then returning to his penthouse to hump his pillow and cry out your name.

it was a pretty good system for the most part. shoto had no worries about ever having to face his feelings for you and was content to live out his days suppressing his inner turmoil just for you.

unfortunately, the universe hates him.

at least that’s what he told himself as he stood in the center of a boardroom next to you, clad in your hero outfits and listening to instructions on an upcoming mission that required you and shoto to work together. alone. for days at a time.

what the fuck.

to be honest, shoto completely tuned out the minute he heard “one bedroom,” his mind racing with all the horribly tempting ways his fantasies could play out.

by the time the meeting was over, he was hard in his pants and entirely distracted as you attempted to make friendly small talk about your mission. shoto sort of felt like he should apologize for being an absolute brick wall, giving you curt one word answers until you decided to leave him alone.

he felt bad but what else could he do when you stood there, wearing your obscene hero costume that revealed way too much of your skin?

well, shoto was being a little dramatic but that’s how he felt! your suit was a play on the playboy bunny costume but instead of being black leather (he thinks he would actually die if you wore leather in front of him), it was a white, lightweight fabric that helped with your quirk.

it was entirely too sexy and reminded him a little too much of one of his secret kinks that he was determined to never let see the light of day.

it was going to be ok! he reasoned. all he had to do was do his job, ignore you like he’s done for the past 3 years and everything would be just fine — right?

wrong. so fucking wrong.

the mission had gone well on all accounts. you both had kicked ass, much to your enjoyment, and were able to go back home a day early!

you were so excited to finally be back in your own bed and away from the weird tension that being around todoroki brought. it wasn’t that you didn’t like him — in fact it was quite the opposite.

you found shoto alluring and gorgeous, his awkward yet endearing mannerisms drawing you further into the mystery that was shoto todoroki. regrettably, it didn’t seem like the man in question was on the same page.

every time you tried to speak with him, he would either stutter and blush or refuse to look you in the eye and give you one-word answers. it was actually ridiculously cute but he would always disappear the first chance he got.

it hurt but you weren’t one to push boundaries where you weren’t wanted.

that’s why that night, instead of going back up to the room to watch tv (uncomfortably, might i add) and knocking yourself out, you decided to go down to the bar and celebrate a job well done.

one of the perks of being a relatively unknown hero was that you could enjoy a night in public without anyone approaching you, a luxury you knew not many top 20 heroes could afford.

with that thought — and the memory of the stifling hotel room awaiting you upstairs — in mind, you made your way to the sparsely populated bar, sitting down and immediately requesting a drink (bourbon, on the rocks).

you scanned the area, counting the number of exits and patrons before your eyes landed on the handsome bartender down at the other end of the counter.

with curly brown hair, bright green eyes and a smile that could kill, there was no way you could lie to yourself and say he was unattractive. even as your mind briefly entertained the notion of taking the brunette out into the alley and fucking him within an inch of his life, your heart just wasn’t in it.

your mind just couldn’t stop drifting to the tall, dual-haired, oh so pretty, man who was (inadvertently) waiting for you upstairs. of course, you weren’t even his to wait for but you didn’t know how to keep from imagining that he was.

a deep sigh escaped your parted lips before you downed the rest of your drink, wincing at the burn it left as it went down your throat. it was getting late and you weren’t planning on spending your night alone with the janitor.

you sent the cute bartender a soft smile while pressing a crisp $20 to the counter. he sent you his own grin back as his eyes trailed down your body clad in your tight hero suit, licking his plump lips in arousal.

you were flattered, truly, but you were a little occupied with getting back to your room, changing into some comfortable pajamas and conking the fuck out.

the trip back up to your room was long and arduous to your sore body, the elevators being out of commission leaving you to take the stairs.

by the time you were at your door, you were so worn out that you were ready to collapse but before you could manage placing your key against the lock, something caught your ear.

“p-please miss,” a breathy moan of your name followed by a wet slapping noise rang out through the door. “i’ll be your perfect bunny, just let m-me cum, please-!!”

holy fuck.

shoto todoroki, the man you’d been crushing on since your years at UA was now touching himself to the thought of you doing god know what to him and he was calling you miss?

you felt heat flood your core, your knees buckling under the heavy weight of your lust. now braced against the door, you leaned your ear against the wood, determined to hear exactly what was getting him off.

more wet noises permeated through the walls — did he just spit in his palm??? — before a long whine left his pretty pink lips.

“m-miss, i belong to you, y-you own me,” he gasped, the creaking of the bed just barely audible beneath his wavering voice.

by now, you knew you’d soaked through the crotch of your hero costume, your clit throbbing painfully beneath the fabric of your panties. you also knew you should turn around, head back to the bar and order another drink, leaving shoto to finish himself off but you couldn’t.

your feet were implanted in place, ear glued against the door as you listened to your partner masturbate to the thought of you owning him.

quietly, you lifted the hand gripping your key to the door, allowing the touchpad to register before slowly pushing the door open.

the sight that greeted you was otherworldly.

the blinds were parted allowing a dreamy haze of moonlight to envelop the room, casting the pale man before you in a somehow whimsical light.

he was stripped down to nothing, lying on his back with a hand wrapped around his gorgeous, swollen cock, furiously stroking himself to completion.

the plump lips that you had spent so much time admiring were parted, allowing whines and whimpers to leave them sporadically as his lithe hips bucked up into his hand.

shoto’s eyes were clenched shut so he was unable to see your dumbfounded, painfully aroused face as you crept into the room, leaning against the wall with your hand pressed to your mouth.

it wasn’t as though you’d never seen a man naked before — you’d had your fair share of men naked in your bed begging for you — but this was something else.

this was shoto — somehow more intimidating than anyone else you’d ever brought to bed and yet you’ve never wanted anyone more.

which is why you were almost surprised at yourself when you opened your mouth and whispered, “stop.”

immediately, shoto’s eyes shot open, wide with fear and apprehension as he lied there frozen, his hand still wrapped tightly around his girth.

the both of you stood there staring at one another, neither of you able to move. you let yourself have this moment to look at him, your eyes tracking all over his muscular form before landing on his length, not missing how it twitched under your gaze.

“i-“ shoto started but he was quickly interrupted by your own voice. “s’this what you do when i’m gone? touch yourself to the thought of me? you’re so dirty bunny.”

it was impossible to hide the low groan that echoed out in the hotel room, shoto’s cheeks burning red in humiliation. a grin crept across your face as you made your way towards him, giggling to yourself at the way he moved up and away from you on the bed.

“now you’re trying to hide, bunny? you weren’t hiding when you were moaning out my name.” your hand slid up his thigh until it was resting on his sharp hipbone, an abrupt gasp leaving his chest.

your hand continued its trajectory, fingers trailing across his tummy before coming to wrap around the base of his cock.

“o-oh fuck, miss—“ a thick drop of precum leaked from his slit and onto your awaiting hand as a low moan departed from the dual-haired boy.

one of his hands shot out to hold yours, drawing your attention to his heterochromatic gaze. shoto’s eyes held so much emotion, small tears already littering his lashline while the moonlight illuminated his crimson scar. he was ethereal.

“pretty,” you hummed, giving him a gentle smile while your hand squeezed his in reassurance. you’d had enough experience to know that that kind of comment was guaranteed to get some kind of vulnerability but what you were not expecting was the expletive shoto muttered before leaning forward to press his lips to yours.

immediately, he was over-enthusiastic, his lips and teeth clashing with yours messily, almost painfully, before you took control of the kiss, slowing shoto down before slipping your tongue inside his mouth.

his quiet groan vibrated into the kiss as you deliberately laid him down, resting his back against the pillows. from there, you had more access to his body, your lips trailing down to his neck while your hand took its place back on his length, lazily pumping him up and down.

“m-miss!” shoto choked, his eyes widening yet again, holding you with his stare. you chose not to respond, instead stroking him quicker while pressing kisses to his shoulder.

“miss,” he tried again, this time more deliberately. “p-please tell me i’m yours...”

with him asking so sweetly, a few tears leaking from his gorgeous eyes at the overwhelming moment, how were you supposed to deny him?

“of course bunny,” you purred, leaning down to peck his nose, sending shivers through his body. “you are mine.”

shoto’s reaction was instantaneous. his eyes rolled back in his head and his mouth dropped open as he felt his pleasure begin to crest, determined to push him over the edge.

you, of course, noticed his body’s response and quickly pulled your hand off of him, painfully ripping his orgasm from his grasp. a disappointed whimper resonated throughout the room as shoto’s eyes found yours, staring at you with such betrayal that you almost found it funny.

“c’mon bunny,” you moved until you were kneeling between his legs, your hands leaving featherlight touches to his inner thighs. “you can hold out for me, right?”

shoto nodded before he could stop himself, desperate for anything you would give him.

besides, it couldn’t be that hard to hold off, right?

...

wrong. so very wrong.

it had only been 30 minutes but it felt like 2 hours since you started playing with him and keeping him from coming.

shoto was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, both hands tangled in his bi-colored locks, eyes squeezed shut with tear tracks now drying on his cheeks and his cock standing fully at attention.

it was purple, throbbing, and covered in precum as you licked a stripe up the side making shoto sob in pleasure.

he had never been harder in his life and he was certain that he would just die if you didn’t let him cum soon.

“p-please, please, miss, please, let me cum,” he babbled, shaking his head mindlessly while bucking his hips up into the warm heat of your mouth.

you chose to ignore his pleas while you moved your mouth over his tip, sucking hard while your hand pumped what wasn’t in your mouth.

“a-ah-!!” shoto shrieked, his back bowing off the bed, his orgasm coming on so hard and so fast that he felt like he was going to explode. “c-can’t hold back m-miss, i can’t, i can’t!”

your hand continued to pick up speed before you pulled your mouth off of him, toying with his tip while leaning up to breathe into his ear.

“cum for me bunny. you’re mine.”

with a cry of your name, shoto came, thick spurts of cum covering his abs, chest and thighs as his body convulsed under the weight of his bliss.

it was the most all encompassing orgasm he’d ever had and you, his former classmate, current partner, and future lover, was beside him through it all, helping him ride it out.

in the back of his mind, shoto knew he should be at least a little worried about how your relationship was going to change after all of this but he couldn’t bring himself to care. you were here and now, bringing him the most pleasure he’d ever undergone with nothing but kind words and a smile, filling his touchstarved heart with heat and, dare he say it, love.

shoto may not have been the funniest or the most open but you chose him, even if it was just for the night. and now that he unlocked how much he loved you, nothing else mattered — just you and him.

as he collapsed back into the sheets, his head just barely registering the cool rag wiping him down, he took pride in how he finally admitted it to himself; shoto loved you and he would be damned if he let anyone else take him away from you.

now, all he had to do was tell you but that was a conversation for another day.

▼・ᴥ・▼

taglist. if your name is in bold, i cannot tag you!!

@anikazoldeck • @hakunamatatayqueen • @alilsumnsumn • @sukunaslefttesticle • @hawksyoongi • @rivviespens • @kenmas-nintendoswitch • @myumyutie • @unicorngluttony • @bloomyagi • @shantellmcintosh • @queenhxla • @yeyehdom • @persies-main • @yikes-buddy • @nnmesis • @thehandsresisthim • @hinatabokeboke • @joongsite • @amazinghefi • @sarcasticambiguity • @mr-bombastic • @i-am-literally-deranged • @ch0pi • @aonjuh • @www-bubblefish • @meliorist-midoriya • @maizurie • @idkdude776 • @midarislonglostlefteye • @queerloser17 • @franklyrobin • @ravioliplease • @ashsera • @chirumi • @yamashiro888 • @xxjosiexx • @krstnn • @bbsista • @seij6hs • @franklyrobin • @chirumi • @melodysakura

[ineedsleepleavemealone]

Some random headcannons

(I ship erasermic so some of these relate to that)

I guess this also needs a warning: some more mature things if you squint hard enough

Also the ships in this are: erasermic, kiribaku, tododeku, and a tiny tiny bit of momojiro (sorry if I forgot one)

~ Mic is actually kinda sad and breaks down alot when hes alone because of the stress he goes through, aizawa is the only one he will break down infront of ~ ~ Aizawa secretly loves giving mic piggyback rides. Change. My. Mind. ~ ~ Bakugo is nicest and softest when he is sleepy, and more open with his feelings when he is tired (especially to kiri, I ship them too😭✋) ~ ~ When sero cooks or cleans he will put on spanish music and dance to it. ~ ~ Dabi is kinky™️ ~ ~ Dabi will tease e v e r y o n e ~ ~ Dabi makes up stories of how he got burnt, like: Twice: so- uh how did all this go down * gesturing to scars * Dabi: oh, while sneezing Twice: but how does tha- Dabi: *sneezes and uses his fire* Twice: oH- ~ ~ When 1-a all become pro heroes, deku will wear everyone's merch ~

~ When bakugo is working out, when he does push ups he will get kirishima to lay on him for "additional weight" (we see you bakugo👀👀) ~ ~ Shoto can make snowflakes with his quirk. I. Rest. My. Case. ~ ~ shoto likes dancing in the rain or snow, well not dance just like being with deku ~ ~ Shoto will make little things out of ice and give them to deku (all might figures👀👀) ~ ~ Occasionally in the dorms everyone in 1-a has a movie night ~ ~ Ojiros tail wags when hes happy ~ ~ This is cannon because I've seen the official art, but I hc that bakugo likes animals and animals love him cause he smells like caramel and his hands are warm ~ ~ One word for aoyama. S e l f i e s ~

~ Shoto didnt know how to ride a bike so when they all moved into the dorms 1-a taught him ~ ~ When bakugo walks into the dorms common area he says stuff like "it smells like bitch in here" and "ughhh if I stay in here to long the bitchyness might affect me" ~ ~ All the girls in 1-a: sleepovers™️ but every time mineta will try to get in lmao. It. Never. Works. ~ ~ Shotos birthday present to everyone is endeavors credit card number😂he will also go clothes shopping with all the girls just because he can use endeavors credit card ~ ~ Tokoyami is actually really good at drawing and loves writing poetry ~ ~ Bakugo is the oldest in 1-a which is cannon. I feel like he would be the type to brag that he's the oldest and would use it as an excuse to do what he wants ~ ~ The dekusquad and bakusquad have groupchats ~ ~ Bakusquad play video games together and eat pizza together all the time ~ ~ The dekusquad gc consists of iida talking about homework, positive memes, and todoroki not understanding anything happening on there ~ ~ Jirou has a music playlist for every situation. Every. Situation. ~ ~ The best jeanist said bakugo couldn't learn how to style hair so katsuki "I am the best at everything" bakugo learnt how to do hair and now all the girls and kirishima go to him and make him do their hair ~ ~ Kirishima needs his hair dyed red when his roots start showing, so bakugo dyes it for him ~ ~ 1-a loves playing games like truth and dare and never have I ever when they cant sleep or are just bored ~ ~ Bakugo sleeps at 8. pm which is cannon, but still wants to be the best at whatever they are doing, so he still goes if they are playing or watching something but always. Always. Falls asleep, and he falls asleep on kiri. ~ ~ Aizawa is actually really flexible and can jump around and move literally like a cat. ~ ~ Mic: finger guns™️ and I can imagine this Mic: *does finger guns at aizawa* Aizawa: pull the trigger. ~ ~ Everyone goes into bakugos room for advice. Like jirou would go in there at 3am and just be like : yo so I'm lesbian and momo is lesbian and she said she likes me but I'm not sure if she likes me.

And even though bakugo will literally shout at them for being in his room at 3am they will still get advice😂~ ~ Kirishima is named after a mountain. Bakugos favourite activity is mountain climbing. Its cannon and ik it is I just thought I'd say that ~ ~ Shinso definitely uses his voice changer for memes. He would say things like "I'm katsuki bakugo and I'm a little bitch" with bakugos voice and "im aizawa and Im in love with a cockatoo" with aizawas voice. ~ ~ When denki is nervous random sparks of electricity come from his hands. ~ ~ If denki doesnt know how to do something he will search it up on wiki how. Change. My. Fucking. Mind. ~ ~ Shiggy genuinly doesnt know what moisturizer is ~ ~ Mic is amazing at playing any instrument ~ ~ Mic knows sign language and is fluent in alot of languages ~ ~ After toga stabs someone she mumbles things like "ughhh what a mood" "damn that one snatched my weave" and "we stan a queen" and once held up the knife like a beauty guru ~ ~ The girls constantly try to get uraraka to float m*neta into the sun ~ (yes I censored his name💀💀) ~ Tokoyami has good music taste ~ ~ The bakusquad (kaminari) tries to teach all might vine references ~ ~ Shoto l o v e s conspiracy videos ~ ~ Ojiro can purr ~ ~ Mina shares her clothes with everyone ~ ~ Shoto likes to watch the sun rise ~ ~ Omgggg I love this one. Aizawa listens to Mics radioshow when he grades papers and when he cant he will hum the music to himself ~ ~ Kaminari is memes™️ ~ ~ When mic says todorokis name he says it like the target vine (next competitor is- T T T T T T T T T TODOROKI SHOTOOOOOO *makes air horn noises*) ~ ~ The UA staff have prank wars (especially mic and literally anyone. Once poured pink cat shaped glitter on aizawa and it was 100% worth it) ~ Mic can harmonize with himself. Periodt. ~ ~ Tetsutetsu and shinso spend so much time at the 1-a dorms that one time bakugo cooked food for them too. ~

~ On that note, bakugo is obviously an amazing cook and when hes cooking for himself he will "accidentally make too much so you extras can have it" ~ ~ Shoto is literally turtlenecks™️ ~ ~ Mic literally has the worst sleep schedule like how is this man alive???? ~ ~ At night iida will run around the dorms saying goodnight to everyone and checking that they are all still in the dorms because he feels it’s his responsibility to look after everyone ~ ~ Shigirakis favourite thing to do is to just stand in the rain. He finds the rain soothing and calming to him because it’s one of the only things that he can’t destroy so it gives him peace of mind that he still human and isn’t the completely destructive monster everyone claims him to be. ~

Hope you liked them✌✌

[night-rhea]

Night Rhea’s Profile

“Lets have tea one day. I will bring the tea, you will bring the view.”

Thanks @hogwartsmystory for letting us use this template!

Name: Night "Nur" Rhea

Gender: Genderfluid (They/Them)

Birth Date: 11 July 1973

Species:  Human

Blood Status: Pureblood

Sexuality: Bisexual

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Nationality: British/ Turkish

Myer Briggs Personality Type: ENFJ - The Giver

-

THE MAGE

1st Wand: Red oak, dragon heartstring, flexible, 13″

2st Wand: Cypress, phoenix feather, unyielding flexibility, 14″

"Cypress wands are associated with nobility. The great medieval wandmaker, Geraint Ollivander, wrote that he was always honoured to match a cypress wand, for he knew he was meeting a witch or wizard who would die a heroic death. Fortunately, in these less blood-thirsty times, the possessors of cypress wands are rarely called upon to lay down their lives, though doubtless many of them would do so if required. Wands of cypress find their soul mates among the brave, the bold and the self-sacrificing: those who are unafraid to confront the shadows in their own and others’ natures.

-

Animagus: Black Hawk

⦁ Night’s one of the favorite thing is being in sky. No matter the weather, day or night, you can see Night in the sky or daydreaming while looking at clouds/stars. They spend little too much time as a hawk. Night’s hawk form is a regular Black Hawk with blue eyes.

-

Misc Magical Abilities: Legilimens, Occlumens

⦁ Being Legilimens in Rhea family is not something unexpected. Night's father Matthew realized his younger child is Legilimens when they were seven years old. But he never believed they can use it perfectly. Night didnt used Legilimency properly until their fifth year. İn two years, Night was able to use this ability without wand. Even though it was enough for them, Snape warned Night about not stopping training, and wanted them to learn Occlumency too. Yakup was already Occlumens and very skilled Legilimens, and with a threat of their also Legilimens uncle, Night didnt questioned at all. With their brother's help, Night mastered these two magical ability in years.

-

Boggart Form: Night had 3 different Boggart in their life

⦁ Yakup (Jacob), with dark mark on his arm and looking at Night madly.

⦁ Rowan, saying everything would be better if it was Night who died.

⦁ Theirself, covered with blood and smiling madly, with Dark Mark.

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⦁ Amortentia: (What do they smell like?) Deep forest, rain, ocean, cold air, jasmine, black tea

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⦁ Patronus: Hawk, Hebridean Black-Dragon (After Rowan’s death)

Dragon patronus; One of the most powerful and formidable creatures of the magical world, dragons are ambitious and dominant. With the ability to breathe fire, they quickly assert themselves, garnering both fear and respect from those around them. They are unafraid to take risks and prefer to live by their own set of rules. They are quick to lead and do not back down from a challenge. Dragons are strong in their convictions and will stand for what they believe is right. Those with a dragon for a Patronus are sure to be fierce fighters, and the Dementors better be ready for a challenge.

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Patronus Memory: 

Playing with Cordell, Barnaby and Atlas (@vixenmcmahenhphm ) when they were child.

The first night they spend watching stars with Talbott. 

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Mirror of Erised:

İn childhood: Night with Yakup, their mom and their grandfather, all standing together and smiling.

İn adulthood: All of Night’s friends and family being together and alive

-

Specialized/Favourite Spells:

Wingardium Leviosa

Flipendo Maxima

Colorovia

Accio

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APPEARANCE

Their casual look:

How i draw their hair:

Faceclaim: Alexander LeRoy - Ruby Rose

0Voice Claim: English: Ruby Rose-Turkish: Şebnem Ferah

Night had a thick Turkish accent when they started Hogwarts but in years it disappeared. They never liked this accent.

Have loud voice, and have no control on it.

Always have a smile on their face, unless they are having really rough moment.

Weird/ funny faces are something you can see often 

Their hair gets more straight and darker and as they grown

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Height: 183cm in Hogwarts-last year-, 188 cm when they are adult

Weight: Heavier than they looks

Physique: With spells and potions, they change their looks/body so often.

Eye Colour: Sky blue

Hair Colour: Navy Blue/ Blue

Skin Tone: Pale

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Body Modifications and Scarrings:

Four piercings in ears, one in right,  three in left side

Many scars and burn marks espacially after Buried Vault

Dark Mark on left arm

Few on their neck after war

Big burn mark on their left arm (where Dark Mark was)

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Inventory: 

Too many tiny chocolates so they can share

Yakup's and theirs old drawing notebook 

Pronoun bracelets

Their grandma's old jasmine perfume 

Quil, ink and a blue tiny notebook (written in Turkish so no one knows what they are writing)

Their own Rhea locket

Yakup's Rhea locket

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Fashion:

Loves buttoned shirts, but cant stand without rolling slevees up

Shorts and pants

Mostly hates skirts, but will wear it sometimes 

Likes black boots, especially with heels

Sweeters on shirts, when they need to look good

Hoodies, especially on rough days

Wears binder, most of time

Dress and suits on events, depends on how they are feeling

Doesnt like makeup, but okay with eyeliner

Always wears pronoun bracelets:

Grey- They/Them

Black- He/Him

White- She/Her

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ALLEGIANCES

Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Ilvermorny House: Wampus

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Affiliations/Organizations: 

Circle of Khanna

Order of the Phoenix

Death Eaters

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Professions: 

Curse Breaker: After graduating, Night worked with Bill and Yakup as a Curse Breaker.

Double Agent: İn Death Eaters, actually working for Order.

Dragonologist: After war, they moved to Romania and specialized Hebridean Black's. Night worked and lived here as dragonologist for nearly ten year.

Flying instructor: When Night moved back to England, they also started to work in Hogwarts as flying instructor, Quidditch referee, and coach.

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HOGWARTS INFORMATION

Class Proficiencies:

·      Astronomy: O

·      Charms: O

·      DADA: E

·      Flying: O

·      Herbology: A

·      History of Magic: A

·      Potions: O

·      Transfiguration: E

Electives:

COMC: A

Divination: A

Muggle Studies: A

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Quidditch: Chaser-Beater

⦁ Night started to play Quidditch in their second year as a Chaser. While they wasnt the best chaser, Night was enough to help Slytherin to win the Cup. They meet Gryfindor Chaser-Vixen during practise and whole year, they werent be able to be better chaser than her. The rivalry between her and Night made the dark haired kid realize maybe being chaser wasnt really something for them. in third year, thanks to McNully, they started to play as a beater, and find theirself being more succesfull than ever. After that, Vixen and Night's rivalry become more friendly. (Beginning of Nixen Au)

⦁ Their favorite practise partners are Charlie, Samantha (@samshogwarts ), Vixen (@vixenmcmahenhphm ) Andre, Orion and Rath.

⦁ Whenever Night was angry or stressed, and even flying didnt make them calm, they took the beaters bat and destroy some dummies. İn fourth year, Night injured some second year student. They were angry about Merula, and just wanted hurt something. So they went for dummies in Training Ground. Night wasnt looking actually where they was hitting, there was just the feeling of fullness . A sharp scream bring them to reality. İt was the first time they hurt someone out of anger, and unfortunatelly wasnt the last.

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Favourite Professors: 

Madam Hoach: She is strong and powerfull woman and her tough behavior makes Night adore her. And one quick note, Night is really afraid of making her mad. During their school life, Night interacted with her so often thanks to their Quidditch love.

McGonnagal: Even if she is not Night's head of house, Night find her much more easier to talk than other proffesors. They feel deeply guilty about the times they had to lie to her. McGonnagal and Talbott's close relationship makes Night feel even more warm about her.

Flitwick: He is someone who Night doesnt have any problem to talk. They enjoy his classes, and little chats they share. Night often share the teas their granpa send them from Turkey, and Flitwick always appreciate.

Least Favourite Professors: 

Snape: No one need a reason to dislike him, but Night actually doesnt hate him.

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RELATIONSHIPS

Father: Matthew Rhea

Second son of Alexander and Alycia Rhea. Known for his dicipline he got from his father, and his talent in Legilimency. İn Rhea family, the ones worth is same as their power in this magical ability. Being better than his older brother, made Matthew the golden child of family. And as you can imagine it seperated the brothers. Matthew was loyal follower of Dark Lord, a feared Death Eater. He believed wizarding world will be better with Voldemort, and never regretted for following him. Even if it cost his life.

He was never the father figure to Night. They doesnt remember him smiling to them, even for once. On Night's fifth birthday, Matthew decided to send them to Turkey, to Seline's family. For three years, Night stayed away from their home, with their grandfather and only comes back in summers when Yakup is back from Hogwarts. İn 1981 (When Night was eight years old) Matthew died in war, and Seline let Night to come back.

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Mother: Seline Rhea

Youngest in five sibling, fourth daughter of İbrahim and Saadet Yavuz. Seline lost her mother when she was two, so she has no memory of Saadet. İbrahim never treat any of his child differently and loved them all same, but Seline never been close to him, or most of her siblings. Even when she was a child, she was quiet, and keeping her distance from everyone. Books were her best and only friends. So when Seline meet with Matthew, leaving her home and country wasnt actually hard decision to made. Seline loved Matthew with her whole heart. He wasnt trying to change her, and that was what she was asking for, for her whole life. Young woman knows, that he was interested in her being Legilimens, but she didnt care. If she was powerfull enough for him to want her as his wife, she thinks its something she should be proud of.

She fit perfectly in Rhea's. Her new house was nothing like Yavuz's warm and loud house, just like how she is also nothing like. Seline couldnt be more proud, when she and Matthew discovered Jacob is also Legilimens. She was excited for her second child too, but when she hold her newborn, she saw the look on Matthew eyes. The disapointment. He didnt like his child to have bright blue hair. At first, Seline didnt think it will be problem, its only color of hair after all. But real problem was, Night being nothing like a Rhea. They were energetic, loud child. Running in house, climbing on whatever they finds, jumping on every water pot they saw. Seline knows they were exactly like her own siblings, nieces. Night wasnt nothing like Jacob (Seline's Turkish accent turned his name into Yakup).

On the fifth birthday that Night turned five, she didnt even say anything when Matthew told her to send Night to Turkey, next to her father.

After Matthew died, Yakup was her everything. And Night was.. Just someone from her past, her own family, something she wanted to leave her behind but couldnt. Unfortunatelly, not so long after Matthew death, Yakup get expelled from Hogwarts and went missing. To find him, Seline did something she thought she wont be ever doing it. She begged Matthew's brother Jonathan for help. And her answer was only a smile. A cold smile, belongs to someone who is happy to have all the control on family now

Night's three year, when they were alone with their mother was, rough. Everyday was about Yakup, about finding him. To have Seline's attention, Night do everything they can do to act like Yakup, look like Yakup. İt was impossible for them, but in their mind it was their only goal. Being someone their mother will love.

The first time Seline looked lovingly at them, was when Night was about to get in Hogwarts Express. When they promised her to find Yakup.

-

Sibling: Jacob (Yakup) Rhea

Yakup and Night werent able to spend much time together, when they were child. Thanks to their ten year difference between their ages, they only saw each other in summers. İn their cold house, Yakup was the only one who loved Night deeply, other than their nany Goni. He was well aware of how his Pip wasnt like his other cousins, other Rhea's, and  that was enough reason for him to love them. Their smile and loud excited voice was the thing warms the house in Yakup's eyes. 

When he get expelled, he knows all of his burdens became Night's. He regretted deeply, but there was nothing he can do from a portrait. He waited for his "sister" to rescue him, waited so patiently and dreamed the day they reunited. But when Night finally came, it wasnt like how he imagined. 

They both wanted to have back the ones they remember from seven years ago. But the truth is, both were so different now, and they doesnt want to admit it. Their old beautiful relationship was gone now, and wont be same for so long. After Hogwarts, they fight a lot. Argued a lot, couldnt agree on same things. Until Night took the mission that will change their life forever.

When Night first runned away, right after they killed an auror in front of him, Yakup lived the hardest weeks in his life. He saw in their eyes himself, how he was when he first get expelled. He already knew Night changed so much, when Rowan died. And couldnt help but feel like all of it was his fault. Now his Pip was so lost inside, so lost that couldnt able to see whats wrong or right. So he searched for Night with everything he has. 

Of course he didnt know it was all part of their plan. Thankfully soon enough, Night came back to him to explain everything. That they will be a spy in Death Eaters, and needs him to be their Secret Keeper. But also they needed him to promise. Promise to see the mission more important than their life. (Will be contunied in Future AU)

After war, their relationship was better than ever, and they finally have the sibling they both missed so much.

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Grandfather (Mother's Dad): İbrahim Yavuz

Lovely Turkish old man who looked after his five children alone, after his wife died. He loved all of his kids all same, but his kids are all different. Four daughter and one son, Seline was the youngest one, and the coldest one to İbrahim.

One day when Night and their nany Goni showed up on his door, he was more suprised than he was happy. Living with tiny energetic child  who cant understand his own language for three years was actually hard for İbrahim. But thanks to Goni who can talk to both languages, Night started to understand and talk Turkish in short time. Well enough to have an accent actually. With their cousins, aunts and uncle here, Night actually had a big and  lovely home there. Their name was hard to pronounce in Turkish, so İbrahim gave them another name. He never liked Night's names meaning, and choose the name that means entirelly opposite of 'Night'. "Nur". It means " The light of the God" and İbrahim thinks it fits his grandchildren more.

As much as Night loved the Yavuz household and Turkey, they missed their mother, brother,home. Ibrahim wasnt sure if Seline would take Night back to England, if Matthew didnt died. He was hoping Seline would come back now, with her son. But Seline refused, and instead of coming back to Turkey, she took Night back.

Night wrote letters to him so often, and in every change they visit Turkey. İbrahim was parent to them, more than their own family and they couldnt be more grateful to have him as grandfather.

-

Uncle: Jonathan Rhea

First son of Alexander and Alycia Rhea. He is only two years older than Matthew. He married with Elyssa Black, and had two child. Cora Rhea, a Legilimens and  two years older than Jacob; and Cordell Rhea in same age with Night. İn 1981, Jonathan lost his daughter and his wife.

Losing half of his own family shaked him deeply, but on the other hand, now Matthew is also gone,and it was good enough to make him forget about his pain. All the responsibilty of Rhea's is now Jonathan's. He is the only one who is head of family now. Or at least, its what he think.

Little he know Seline will be the biggest impediment to him. She wont let him to take the big house (Where Matthew and her staying with their childs, because Matthew was the head of family) She refused him, and told him Yakup will be the one who will take Matthew's place. She knows how Jonathan hate her and Yakup. He wouldnt let Seline stay in family or even England. So she fight with Jonathan with all her power. Until Yakup disappears.

After that, Seline lost her hopes, she even begged him to help her find her son.She promised to leave England if he helps. But Jonathan didnt care, he took everything he wanted after all. The house, being the important one. He was no longer the one who is forgotten in his little brothers shadow. He is the one who is in control now. He even took Night from Seline. Night lived in his house from their fourth year to seventh year.

When Night started Hogwarts, Jonathan told his son to stop them. From finding Yakup. Because he cant risk his nephew to come back, and took everything he earned.  Unfortunatelly, his fears will come true and Yakup will come back. Jonathan will hate him with all his being and this hate will be dangerous when Voldemort returns.

Jonathan will be the one, who offer Night a place in Death Eaters when Night run away from their first crime. He will say he is proud of them for choosing the right way and realizing Yakup is the traitor one, not him. And will say Matthew would be also proud of them.

During war time, Jonathan will be the biggest enemy of Night, even if he wont know about it.

-

Love Interest: 

Talight- Talbott Winger 

Night and him meet in third year thanks to Penny. Night didnt even know his name,and Talbott was staying away from the cursed vault kid to avoid trouble. It actually took them long time to be close friends. But once they became friends, they found theirselves a way to escape from other. At first, they see each other as a someone who can understand other ones feelings. Talbott learned Night isnt always as happy as they seems or they isnt just a selfish troublemaker. And Night learned Talbott isnt someone who has stone cold heart and doesnt care about others. They so often fly together in night, sit in silent in owlery, read their own books in libary,and sometimes running/flying around just for fun. Talbott learned to like some harmless chaos, and Night learned to be not afraid of silence. İn fourth year, Night realized they have deeper feelings for him, but couldnt risk to lose his friendship. They were happy enough to have him as friend. But Tulip reading their secret notebook out loud didnt help them to hide their feelings. The notebook was written in Turkish so no one could understand, but Night completely forget about how Tulip actually knows Turkish. Even if it happened out of Night's control, it didnt end like how Night feared. 

As much as they both loved each other, being in relationship is something these two doesnt know well. İn fifth year, they dealed with some tiny (!) jealousy. Night meets with Jae, and being in detention whole year help them become a close friend in short time. Being busy with Rakepick and her tasks, Night was quiet busy and Jae was the only one they can see without needing help. (Remember how Rowan said they were only comes to their friend to get help?) Our little bird didnt like to feel in this way. But this feeling wasnt just keeping "him" awake in nights. It was eating Night from inside too. They were aware of how they couldnt see Talbott so often, and actually missing  their piecefull times together. They couldnt help but notice how he got close with Badeea. Not that they thinks Talbott shouldnt have friends. Actually they were happy about how these two Ravenclaw sharing their own worlds to each other. Night just, felt unsure if they are good enough for Talbott, in a way Badeea is more than enough. Night and Badeea were so different, and Night  couldnt help but compare theirself with her. Our couple didnt actually broke up, but i can say they had some walls between their hearts now, the ones they both didnt wanted but thought other one needs it. They goes to Summer Festival, with different people. Wanna guess who?? Of course Badeea and Jae. They both watch each other laugh with someone else. But in the end of the year, when Night and others came back from Buried Vault, Talbott was the one who hold them while they were crying.

Next two year, they both supported each other. (Yes im just skipping all the things because, there is things im excited to write and draw and dont wanna spoil it here). But before graduation, Night wanted to break up. To focus on theirselves. Night knows how Talbott worked hard to be auror, and they doesnt want him to worry about them while having so many things to worry about already. Talbott didnt like the idea of course, refused at first. He blamed them, get angry, didnt talked to them for days. But then, he understood why Night saying these. To accept it, he wanted them to promise him something. That they will come back to him. No matter as what, as a lover, as a friend, as a someone who still have warmt in their heart for him.

Well, in a way, Night keep their promise. (Will be continued in Future AU)

-

Nelix- Felix Rosier 

İn Hogwarts, their relationship was mostly about Felix trying to keep Night out of trouble and fail every time. He became Dragonologist when he graduated, and Night send him maybe too many letters to ask about life in Romania. (Charlie also aprecciated his letters too, as you can imagine.) Being Dragonologist was Night's dream job, even if they doesnt think they will be doing it in future. So after graduation, just to see Charlie, dragons and Romania (definitelly not to see Felix, please) they travelled there a lot.

Seeing each other again, with other Death Eaters was not what they both hoped. Night knew Felix would be there. But for him, seeing Night there was shocking. He was disappointed, but thought about maybe Night was forced by their family, just like him. (Will be continued in Future AU)

After all the rough time they managed to survive, they both needed to heal from what they saw, what they did. And being far away from England was just what they needed.

-

Nixen AU- Vixen McMahen (@vixenmcmahenhphm )

-

Marhea AU- Atlas Marson (@vixenmcmahenhphm )

(Just leaving note here, im always open for making ship au's. If youre interested, let me know so we can have fun!)

-

Best Friends: 

Rowan Khanna

Talbott Winger

Barnaby Abernathy Lee

Ben Copper

Bill Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Andre Egwu

Jae Bo Kim

Tonks

Erika Rath

Merula Snyde

Chiara Lobosca

Tulip Karasu

Liz Tuttle

Badeea Ali

-

Enemy:

Patricia Rakepick- R

Jonathan Rhea- Death Eaters

-

Dormmates: 

Rowan Khanna, Liz Tuttle, Marina Willow (@mira-shard)

(Send me dm if you want your mc and Night be roommates! Two spots open for girls room!)

Barnaby Abernathy Lee, Cordell Rhea

(Send me dm if you want your mc and Night be roommates! Two spots open for boys room!)

-

Pets: 

Marshall: Night look after Yakup's closest friend, a black cat, after he disappears. After him, poor kitty become so quiet,and in nights cant sleep without Night in room. They promised Marshall to take Yakup back, but before he can come back Marshall passed away (İn beginning of fifth year). After him, Night didnt have any pet.

-

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Closest MC Friends: Let me know if i can put your mc's name here!

Miscellaneous:

⦁ With Felix words, Night is “too chaotic and energetic like a Gryfindor”. You can see them running around anytime -mostly after Jae, Vixen or Tonks- or laughing with tears on their face. Not to mention they have a loud voice and you will hear when they laugh everytime. (Chiara admit it later that she was afraid of telling her secret to Night just because of this. But dont worry, they can be very secretive.) Night’s face always wears their emotions, that means you can see a lot of weird and funny expressions.

⦁ Chocolate is the key of happy Night. Whenever they have a chocolate frog, you can see a bright smile on their face. Bad Quidditch match? They will eat chocolate angrily on Pitch. Bad exam? Chocolate again with a face that shows you how their brain is burned. Snape’s favorite punishment for Night? Honeydukes Ban. Night will probably just curl up on grass in Training Grounds and wait for the day pass. Also a cup of tea could make Night very happy too. Thanks to their grandpa, they know how to make tea in every way, so they would be so happy if you join them for tea.

⦁ Because of that bright attitude of them, Night wasnt taken seriously at first. When some older Slytherins talked about Jacob in common room, everyone in room learned about how Night doesnt hold back when they are angry. İn years, they did a lot of things out of anger that they will regret later.

⦁ Night is a person who cant tell easily their negative feeling.When they got sad, they got quiet. Mostly Night just hide their sadness behind their smile and hope that it will be gone.

[violetnotez]

I am in serious need of soft hours headcanons with Izuku. I wanna pamper him with love, hold his cheeks and kiss him tenderly, hold his hands and draw circles on them with my thumb, hug him to my chest to cuddle him, pet his fluffy hair, just tell him how much I appreciate and believe in him. Forehead kisses, cheek kisses, nose kisses, ALL THE KISSES DAMN IT! 😭 I. APPRECIATE. THIS. CUTE. BROCOLI. BOY. Help me plz 😭 I mean, if you can 😂 I know you're very busy with matchups (btw kudos to those

OMG Im so sorry this was so much later! I was really need some good Izuku loving hours when I wrote this, so I hope you like it! Also sorry it was posted at an UNGODLY HOURS I cant have a normal posting scheudele no matter how hard I try!

ALSO I REALIZED U ASKED FOR HEADCANNONS IM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!

Izuku x reader

⤷ Genre: Fluff

⤷ Word Count: 1600+

⤷ Warnings: cursing if ya squint

⤷ Synopsis:   You have been noticing Midoriya has been a little down lately, so you take it upon yourself to cheer him up by sneakily taking his favorite notebook and writing cute messages in his notes, and of course, his reaction is priceless!

This fic is for the @bnhabookclub bingo event!  Here’s my masterlist to see all my work for this event!

Bingo Slot: Doodles On Their Notebook

Your hands were frantically shoving through Midoriya’s things, the collection of All Might merchandise staring at you with piercing eyes as you continued with your search.

Being Izuku’s girlfriend, you pretty much knew Midoriya like the back of your hand. So when he wasn't acting like himself, becoming more sulky and training more, you knew something was seriously wrong with the greenette.

But of course, the green haired boy was determined to prove you wrong, always saying “Im just fine!” or “Dont worry about me angel!” whenever you brought the topic up.

It just- didnt feel right to you...he seemed so sad, so burdened with something inside of him, his green eyes no longer shining like they used to and his body looking as if it was carrying a tremendous weight on his shoulders.

You had decided enough was enough, and that you would remind your boyfriend of how amazing he was by writing affirmations all over his favorite notebook in order to uplift his spirits-if only you could find the damn thing.

“The hell is that book,” you cursed under your breath, your hands now lifting up every textbook on his desk.

“What book are you looking for puppy?”

You felt a spike of coldness rush through your body, your eyes wide as you turned around to look at your confused looking boyfriend.

His hair looked slightly wet, a towel folded underneath his arms and his signature white shirt a little damp from a shower he probably had taken after training. His cheeks were still a little pink, making his freckles a little more prominent, and in any other circumstance you would have pounced on him with kisses from his cuteness.

But-he had just caught you red handed, looking through his stuff...the hell were you gonna get out of this?

“I-uh,” you stumbled out, trying to find a good lie, “I-I lost a notebook, and I-I think it might be here? From when I came over to study?”

Izuku didnt seem to notice your obvious fluster, his eyes downcast and his expression preoccupied.

“I havent seen any of your notebooks lying around...I’ll look for it, dont worry! We’ll find it eventually,” the boy tried to send you a reassuring smile, but it didnt work very well. 

It was sad, tired, worried...just not the usually reassuring Izuku you knew.

All thoughts of your plan filtered out of your mind, your body instantly walking over to the boy. Your hand wrapped around his arm gingerly, some parts rougher than others from his scars as you gently trailed your hand down to rest in his palm.

“‘Zuku, are you feeling okay?” you asked, your voice sweet as you looked up at him with wide eyes. “Is something on your mind? You seem-sad,”

Midoriya sighed, his green orbs looking at you with love and warmth. 

Even if he was looking down, it was reassuring to know he still looked at you like that- at least it wasn't you who was causing this...but what?

“Im sorry puppy, I didn't realize I was worrying you so much,” he said, his voice low as he rubbed his thumb against your hand. “Its just-I-I feel like I'm not improving as much as I should be. I've had this power for some time now, and I can barely use it to half its potential...the others are improving so much, especially Kachan..I just- sometimes I can't help- but think that maybe I'm not cut out for this…”

You tilted your head in confusion, your lips pursed and eyes full of empathy.

You were so relieved to finally know what was eating at your boyfriend so much, but it hurt you to know he was fighting with such insecurities All you wanted to do was love the hell out of him right now and smother him with cuddles and kisses.

“Oh, ‘Zuku,” you sighed out, your free hand finding refuge against Midoriya’s cheek. The boy quietly nuzzled himself into your touch, his skin soft and warm against your palm. “Is that what was bothering you?”

“Yeah-I-I know, it seems silly, its just-”

“No, it doesnt,” you quickly interjected him, a reassuring smile playing on your lips. “Everybody doubts themselves sometimes, no matter how good or bad they are at what you do.

“You're still just training, you're doing everything you can to be the best, more than what most people do in their whole lifetime. Yeah, others are going to improve faster than you, and others are going to improve slower. Just focus on yourself, and your goals, and don't forget what you’ve accomplished. You done so much with yourself Izuku, more than you would ever know, just don't forget that kay?”

Izuku face light up, his expression washing with relief. He instantly buried you into a hug, his taught arms wrapping around you and squeezing you slightly. You smiled at the big softie your boyfriend was, your hands cuddling his body close to you. You felt the boy chuckle slightly, his voice sounding flustered yet more relaxed than before

“What would I do without you?” 

“Probably train until you passed out,” you giggled, a smile gracing your lips, “but seriously Izuku, dont be so hard on yourself, your doing just fine,”

“Okay, I-Ill try,” he stuttered out.

Izuku held you like that for another moment, you both relishing the feeling of the other against your arms. You felt Midoriya pull your body gently away from his, his face facing yours as he placed his hands on your shoulders.

He finally looked a little less solemn, some of the weight being taken off of his shoulders..but that tell tale look of sadness was still there.

“I-I know you were looking for your notebook...but did you maybe want to- stay for a little bit?”

You felt your insides light up from warmth, a grin growing on your face.

God, why did he have to go and be so cute?

“If you want cuddles, ‘Zuku, all you have to do is ask...”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

Deku stepped into class the next day, his body almost in a trance as he sat himself down at his usual seat.

Last night was healing for him, just cuddling and having you in his arms, but reality hit him in the face the next day. Those inner demons weren’t quite destroyed, and he realized he still had to battle them, even after the night with you.

He sighed, his shoulders feeling tired as he rummaged through his backpack, pulling out his notebook. 

Mind as well study as he waited for class to start…

He flipped through the first few pages, trying to find the last place he was reviewing, until he noticed something-there was new writing, unlike his own, scrawled in the empty gaps of his notes..

Izuku cocked his eyebrow, his fingers dragging against the message:

“I love how sweet you are, no matter what comes your way.”

Izuku felt his cheeks rise with heat-who wrote that?

He flipped the next page, finding another message:

“Your freckles are adorable and I’d kiss each and every one if I could.”

God, how could these make him so flustered? He felt his whole face rise in heat, beginning to recognize the handwriting as your own. He began to flip through each page, a message almost on every one, all about him:

“You are so strong.”

“I love when you get flustered.”

“Your going to accomplish your dreams and more,”

“Your hair is so cute pls dont ever change it,”

He chuckles at that last one, his digits racking through his locks. His classmates were beginning to file into class, the room becoming much louder than before.

Izuku turned around, his cheeks on fire as he hoped nobody saw him get so flustered-until his eyes met yours.

You were currently talking to Mina and Kaminari a few seats behind, your body sitting on a desk as you watched Izuku with waiting eyes.

Once he made eye contact though, he knew for certain it was you who had written the sweet notes in his notebook- your face lit up with relief, a smile gracing your lips as you sent a wink his way.

Midoriya couldn't help but let a squeak slip out of his lips, his body swiveling around quickly- god, he was too flustered around you!

Midoriya heard Aizawa enter, all his classmated quickly taking their seats and going silent.

He listened to the instruction, opening his notebook to a fresh page to write down notes...but he found himself flipping back to those few pages, rereading every message. It uplifted his spirits, made him feel loved, and he felt so lucky to have someone as caring as you love him back.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

It was now the end of class, the bell ringing daintily around the room as everyone bombarded out to the lunch hall.

You on the other hand stayed behind, walking over to Midoriya as he slowly put his books away in his bag.

“So, did you like it?” you asked, a smile in your voice as you waited for your answer.

Midoriya looked up at you, his eyes wide with gratitude and his cheeks a rosy red-

Yeah, he liked it.

MIdoriya smiled, his grin wide and child-like. “I-I loved it, y/n, thank you!” he shouted, his voice dripping with gratitude.

“God,” you giggled sheepishly, “I took me forever to find that notebook after you fell asleep…”

His hand wracked into his hair again, his bright smile turning into a nervous smile

“Honestly, I don't know if I deserved all that work, but I-I really liked it-”

“Of course you deserve it Izuku!” you quickly reached for his hand, your body moving closer to his, “You are such an amazing person-everything I wrote in there was true, and will always be true.”

Izuku looked up at you, his eyes full of love and admiration. He had never been so grateful and felt so lucky to be with someone as amazing as you.

Midoriya’s cheeks began to turn red again, his body leaning in quickly towards yours. He planted a kiss on your cheeks, his skin leaving a lasting tingle on your skin.

“You know I-I love you-right...cause I do, I really really do,”

[yandere-daydreams]

I love your stuff so much!! I’m so happy requests are open :)) Could you please please please write something with prompt 13 for a yandere Kirishima with a female reader? Thank you so much!!

This is why he’s my favorite boy.

You didn’t know much about where Kirishima had chosen to keep you. The room was sparsely decorated, with only a small bed, too many blankets, and a few ‘gifts’ he’d picked up for you thrown around. There was a tiny, rectangular window near the ceiling, but the only thing you could ever see clearly was the sky. That didn’t really matter, though. Chains restrained you to the cot, keeping one ankle bound to the cement floor, and both wrists loosely tied to the headboard. And sure, in theory, you had enough length on your leash to stand up and walk the perimeter of your bed, but you stopped trying to entertain yourself after the third month.

Now you just hid under your many, many blankets, and waited for Kirishima to get home.

A few hours before the sun rose, the locks keeping you ‘safe’ clicked open, the door to your room sliding open and shutting with a dull thud shortly after. You didn’t bother looking up until the weight shifted on your bed, Kirishima sighing and resting a hand on your uncovered calf. “Are you awake, honey?”

“No,” you grunted, curling into yourself. Indulging him was tempting, it had to be better than staying silent and doing nothing for another day, but you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. Last time you let Kirishima believe you were coming around, he’d only gotten worse. More kisses, more cuddling, more confessions… Hell, you still had a scar on your lip from his last bout of affection.

Kirishima doesn’t seem to care about your aversion, just pulling your warm, safe blankets away and dragging you into his arms. You squirmed as he dropped you in his lap, any movement quickly stopped by his arms closing around you, pushing your chest into his. “It’s like you were made for me,” He laughed, nuzzling into your neck. It was a position all-too-intimate, forcing you to either kneel or straddle him, neither choice very appealing. 

If Kirishima noticed your discomfort, he didn’t show it. He was happy to take whatever you were willing to give him, even if that meant holding your limp form in place. “It’s been a long day,” He started, warm breath fanning over your skin. “Bakugo thought it’d be a great idea to jump off of a five-story building to catch a civilian, and I nearly fell trying to save them both. I was worried I wouldn’t come home, for a few minutes.”

Instinctively, you clung to him, chains rattling softly as you forced yourself further into his chest. You were tearing in a matter of seconds, mumbling curses and trying to hide your face. It was an odd sensation. You knew you were crying, but you couldn’t name why. Were you afraid of dying down here? Afraid of spending days waiting for your captor to return only to fall asleep and never wake up again? Had Kirishima’s excuses and forced gestures of love finally gotten to you? You weren’t sure, but you knew he was leaning down, whispering sweet nothings, trying to comfort you. Why did he have to make this so hard?

Kirishima moved to stand, probably intending to look for tissues or some long-delayed meal, but you refused to budge. It was almost pathetic, the way you whimpered as he played with your hair. The words left your mouth before you could fully register that you were talking. “Please… don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone again.”

“Of course, baby.” You could feel him smile against your shoulder, the sharp edges of his teeth dangerously close to drawing blood, but you didn’t care. Your sobs died down, breath hitching every now and then. Still, Kirishima continued to hold you, his grip never loosening. It was… nice, in a certain way. Comforting. Safe. “I’d never dream of it.”

[stories-mostly]

Starks Bug

Tony Stark x son!reader

Words: 1934

As promised chapter 5! This chapter will have a thing that'll be important in later chapters. Have fun reading :D

Chapter 5

Now that you were five and a half, you knew how to write both your ABC's and numbers up to 47 flawlessly. You knew how to write your name and could solve some simple math. You could also write every word as long as someone spelled it for you and you were getting the grip of reading too.

Your dad and uncles are proud, Mr Krabs the crayfish lobster was healthy, and now? You had a new aunt! Her name is Pepper and you love her! She was so nice to you. The first time you met her she had brought ice cream. So lil young you loved her the moment you ate that delicious treat.

Currently you were drawing your family at the daycare part of the company. You were trying really hard to get each one right. With shaky writing and the spelling help of one of the teachers you completed your piece. Without telling anyone you slipped out of the room with your drawing in hand off to find your dad. You knew the route so you thought it was okay to go alone.

Walking past labs into the elevator and then up to the floor your father worked at. Pepper was sitting at her desk typing on the computer. She didn't notice you at first.

"Aunt Pepper look what I just made!" you said holding your drawing in front of you over the desk. She jumped when she heard your voice.

"Oh my god (y/n)! What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to show you and daddy my drawing! Do you like it?"

"Oh I love it. Explain it to me!" she encouraged.

"Alright! So this is Daddy, he has a screwdriver cause he's always making things. This is you, you're holding some papers. This is Happy he's grumpy because I ate all his chocolates. This here is Obi. He is on the phone talking about work. And that's Dum-E and Jarvis. Oh and this is Rhodey he's flying a plane!" you explained pointing to each shaky character who vaguely looked different from the next.

"That's so good, let's show it to your dad and then get you back to your friends shall we?"

You nodded and followed her into your dad's office.

"Look what I drew dad!" you ran over to him while he was at the phone.

"One moment." he said and pressed a button on the thing the phone was connected to. "Hey bug, what are you doing here? You drew something? Let me see."

"I came here to show you my drawing."

"Yes he came here, all on his own." Pepper said putting weight on her last words. Tony's eyebrows shot up but he was drawn back to you quickly as you crawled into his lap and explained your picture all over again. Gaining praise and a hug from your dad who kept the drawing.

Pepper brought you back into the daycare afterward and had a talk with your teacher. You didn't know what they were talking about too busy going back to playing with your friends. You only noticed later that she was gone and that the door got a new handle that was really high up a few days later.

Back home you were still full of energy since you had a nice long nap at daycare.

You were walking around the house with your lightsaber pretending to be a Jedi. You fought your way past your imaginary enemies and used the force to throw things at them like you had seen in the movies your dad watched with you.

You reached out your hand at a cup standing on the table and made a motion toward the enemy. The cup was sitting on the edge of the table and when you completed your motion you watched in slow motion as the cup slowly fell toward the ground a few feet away from the table. The crash of the shattered cup could be heard throughout the room. Out of shock you let your lights aber fall and your hands covered your mouth.

Did you really just use the force? You were happy thinking that you might have special powers, and yet you were also absolutely terrified. What had you done? What could you do? What was even going on? Was that actually you that broke the cup?

The crash brought your father into the room.

"Woah Bug, seems like your fight is pretty intense. Let's clean it up come on." Tony said once he realized that you are okay. You followed him to the kitchen not saying a word.

"You okay? It's fine. Don't worry, not a big deal." He said reassuring you. You however were just coming back out of your trance. You looked around the kitchen and then at your dad.

"Dad," you said seriously. "I'm a Jedi."

Your father chuckled and ruffled your hair.

"Of course you are my little padawan." he continued to chuckle and moved to clean up your mess. But you weren't having it. He needed to belive you. You grabbed his hand with both of yours and stared intently into his eyes.

"No daddy, I used the force. I didn't hit the cup, I used the force!" Tony was a bit confused as to why you insisted on having used the force.

"Okay Bug, lets first clean up the cup pieces and then you can show me how you did it alright?"

You nodded reluctantly and let go of his hand. While he was sweeping up the mess you got a plastic cup from the kitchen and placed it on the coffee table in front of the couch.

Before you could attempt to use the force again Jarvis interfered.

"Sir, it might be of more help to just show him the surveillance footage." he said and pulled up the footage on the screen. There you were, breaking the cup without touching it. Woah.

"Thank you Jarvis!" you said and went to drag your dad in front of the screen.

"Look! Here I told you I used the force! Jarvis play it please."

Tony looked at the screen just in time to see you throw the cup while standing a few feet away.

Once the initial shock blew over he grinned and said.

"Well I guess I'm now living under the same roof as a Jedi." he said hiding the fact that he had no idea how to deal with that situation. Or how you could even do that.

The next day the two of you talked about your "force" a bit more deeply. He told you all about why you had these powers and why you can't tell anyone that you had them. As he put it, the dark side would try and recruit you. And neither of you would want that. You barely noticed that the circles around his eyes were a bit deeper than usual.

You practiced with your force daily. It was an amazing experience for you but really tiring. Much less scared than before you were extremely happy with being able to do these cool things. Soon you would find out that it wasn't actually the force but a gene within you that gave you powers but you wouldn't stop calling it the force until you were about 10 and that was long ways away for you.

Not to mention all the attempts that would follow to build a real life lightsaber until your dad banned you from trying after you almost cut your whole arm off. 8 year old you would be left with a pretty cool scar though. And who could say they had gotten a scar from a real lightsaber.

"What are you doing?" An amused voice came from behind you.

You spun around and saw your father with an amused look on his face. There was nothing funny about the situation in your book.

You had been trying, and failing, to accurately use your force to make yourself some cereal. And by the looks of scattered cereal and your soaking wet figure, it wasn't going well at all. This was your 14th attempt and you were still messing it up. It was extremely demotivating to repeatedly fail.

"Making cereal," you said in a dissapointed tone.

"Are you part of it? Or did you just want to take a milk shower?" He chuckled and went his way to grab some paper towels. You didnt find that funny at all. With the most hate a five year old can muster to show on his face you glared at the mess infront of you. And left. Not caring about the trail of milk you left as you walked into your room and struggled to take off you wet shirt. You really hated, absolutely despised failing or losing as any child your age.

You gave up taking off your shirt and just plopped down onto the ground with your arms crossed.

A minute into your moping session a knock sounded from the door. You didn't answer still too frustrated in your inability to make breakfast. Another knock sounded followed by your dads voice.

"Hey Bug, can I come in?" You croaked out a small yes and drew your knees to your chest.

The door opened and your father walked in concern written all over his face.

"What's wrong bug? You wanna talk about it, maybe?" He sounded unsure as he said that.

"Or we can just, sit here, if you want." He continued sitting down next to you.

Your scowl slowly transformed itself into a frown and then morphed it's way into a face of an incredibly sad and frustrated young boy.

"I hate it." You mumbled shakingly burrowing your head in your arms.

"What? Do you hate I mean." Tony despite having dealt with your emotions for five+ years now was still unsure if what he said each time was right.

"I, I hate that. I dont know how to say," You said truthfully. It was hard to articulate your emotions.

"That's okay. Do you want me to guess?" He asked and you just nodded.

"Is it about, not being able to pour cereal with your, force?"

You bit your lower lip and nodded, tears forming in your eyes.

"Can I tell you something?" He asked waiting for confirmation before continuing. "I don't think your all that bad at it. And I dont think you should give up just yet. Look sometimes when you try something new, you'll fail. You'll make mistakes and maybe even break stuff. But you know what will happen after you've failed and failed and broken stuff? You will end up winning. Because you learned while you were making mistakes," he pause to look at your reaction. You hadn't moved. He sighed.

"Maybe, let me just say it like this. How long did it take you to make an object float for more than a few seconds? Because I know that you didn't just do it on the first try. It took you about a week to just make an empty cup float mid air for more than 10 seconds. And then you learned how to move it and that took you long as well. And you just now started trying to make cereal. And it wasn't even that bad. A few weeks ago you couldn't even lift the milk jug and now you're moving it too? That's a lot of progress and you'll continue to make progress and failing, that's just part of it. God knows how often I failed to make Dum-E work." He had rambled along as he was trying to encourage you but that was okay. Because despite the amount of words he said the message was clear to you.

Within a week you could make yourself cereal with both eyes closed.

Tags: @shannonr2003 @art-estrange @nicholasbich @tater-thottie @tonystanktheirondad @gaylemonshark

[lunaschild2016]

Close To You - Part 1[Eric/Devi]

Rated: M

Title and inspiration from Close To You by Maxi Priest

Summary: Devi and Eric’s story continues, but this time we see things from Eric’s eyes. It was her belief in him that sparked them finally coming together, but where did it really start for Eric? The life of a childhood sweetheart, conspiracies, and the fate of the city all hung over his head. He didn’t need to be wondering how to get close to the tiny amity with fire in her eyes and a mouth to match. He didn’t need to worry and wonder about how he could find a way to just be close to her.

@kenzieam  @pathybo  @jaihardy @every-jai @ericdauntless @beautifulramblingbrains @bookgirlthings @jojuarez26 @oddsnendsfanfics @offroadinjandals @singingpeople @iammarylastar @irasancti @captstefanbrandt @clublulu333 @fuckthatfeeling @tigpooh67 @ex-bookjunky  @jughead-wuz-here wuz-here @badassbaker @beanzjellly @beltz2016 @meganbee15 @affabletimelady @scorpio2009 @gylisaa @geekybeyondallreason @violetsonthelam @kyloswarstars @emmysrandomthoughts @kgurew @beltzboys2015-blog @slytherin-princess-25273 @whatwouldbuffydo666 @jaiboomer11 @holamor @wealwayskeepfighting @original46  @blakefc @xtheserpentx  @artisthedgehog

She had an attitude I can't explain

You never know if you’re in flame

Tying me up with elastic words

I'm on a countdown till I get hurt

Her blood was hot she burned so bright

A neon sign there in the night

It's hard to say if I went too far

My heart still bares the scar

I just want to be close to you

And do all the things you want me to

I just want to be close to you (I just want to be close to you, baby)

And show you the way I feel

[Close To You; Maxi Priest]

Part 1

“What’s wrong with her?” I ask for what feels like the hundredth time since I stepped foot into the shit hole that Dauntless calls a clinic.

Once again I watch the nurses flutter around the girl on the bed, clucking like hens and completely ignoring me.

I run a hand through my hair and restrain myself from punching something or someone in frustration but I can’t completely restrain my impatience at being ignored.

That’s not something I’m willing to stand for, initiate status or not.

“Will someone tell me what the fuck is wrong with her!” I move up to stand right in front of one of the nurses that have stepped away from the bed and loom over her.

She’s wearing blue scrubs, meaning she’s from Erudite and most likely the one person in this place that’s actually fully qualified to have the title I see on her little badge clipped to her uniform.

“Eric Coulter, right?” She eyes me like a hawk and I feel irritation coursing through me. For a second, I also wonder if she’s one of Jeanine’s plants in Dauntless. That’s dismissed when she gives a strained smile. “You look a bit like your brother. I work with him from time to time. He mentioned your coming here.”

I narrow my eyes, not returning her smile and look past her to the girl still laying on the bed, motioning with my hand in her direction. “What’s her status?”

Candice, the name indicated on her badge, bristles at being ignored but answers me through thinned lips. “I have to call someone in to evaluate her, but we are drawing blood for tests and monitoring her until then.”

I look back at her and hesitate, wondering why the hell I’m getting involved and why I didn’t just leave the Amity girl in her dorm bed for someone else to deal with.

“You said you work with, Dr. Coulter?” I asked with appraising eyes, watching her closely.

“I do.”

“Then you won’t mind working with him again now, will you?”

I have no real power here in Dauntless. Not yet anyway. If I was making this same order to someone wearing black, I’m sure I would be sent away with a sharp reprimand no matter how intimidating I know I can be.

But Candice is Erudite and I have power there. My name is known. If Candice is a plant of Jeanine’s she’ll do as I say but report it back to her. If she isn’t, she’ll still do as I say.

Because, as much as I might despise it and have wanted to leave all that shit behind, I rank higher than her in their hierarchy. No matter if I wear black now, to them, I will always have true ‘blue blood’ running through my veins.

As expected she gives me a curt nod before moving off hurriedly. The other nurse wearing black gives me a look before following, and then it’s just me and the girl on the bed.

My fists clench to the sides of my body as I scowl down at her.

I hate that she’s made me care enough to step in and use my name for something when I promised I would get leadership on my own, no matter how much Jeanine tried to throw her weight around.

I hate that I’m thinking about anything or anyone else besides what I came here to do and who I’m doing it for.

Jules.

The thought of her has tightness in my chest that’s growing tighter the longer I look at this stupid tiny girl laying in the bed.

She’s not Jules. There’s no doubt about that.

Jules is tall and graceful with a smile that can infect even the snootiest of Erudite.

Jules who prefers dresses and ridiculous hats. I never have been able to figure out how she gets them all, and most of them are so ridiculous in order to get a rise out of me.

Jules who has always been able to make me laugh even when I’m in the worst fucking mood and even my brother can’t stand to be around me.

Jules who can sweetly cut a person to pieces and still leave them wondering if she was complimenting them or telling them to fuck off.

Jules, the best person I have ever known and the one I really want to save.

When I look at the amity girl, that’s who I see.

Jules is who I should be with. I should be there helping her and holding her hand or trying to make her laugh, but I’m not and it pisses me off.

Because coming to Dauntless was more important than the girl I love.

“You better not die,” I mutter angrily while glaring at the girl on the bed.

The whispered angry words won’t reach the real target, who I’m really saying them to. But I realize with some surprise that I also do mean them for the girl laying on the bed in front of me.

I turn on my heel and rush out of the clinic as fast as I will allow myself to be seen rushing anywhere. I make it to the training room corridor where control bursts away from me and I sprint into the room looking for something, anything, to make the tightness in my chest go away.

*****************************************************************************************

My brother is not who I expected to see standing behind the door of the office I was summoned to just before dinner but I can’t say the dread I had been feeling gets any better when I do see him.

If anything, it actually gets worse.

He’s standing at the end of a long conference table, hunched over papers and a tablet as I close the door quietly behind me. His presence makes me nervous as hell and I feel slightly sick to my stomach.

All I can think is something’s happened with Jules.

Elijah looks up at the sound of the door clicking shut and his eyes narrow as they take me in. I know he’s doing a snap evaluation, trying to determine a million things in the space of seconds so I won’t get upset about him fussing over me.

Even with all the recent strain on our relationship, Elijah remains the person I know I can count on most to truly care about me and how I’m doing. Even when I do my damndest to drive him and his affection away.

“Jules?” I ask, stepping forward and forgoing all greetings.

Elijah straightens and comes forward as well. I watch him carefully.

I never fuss over him the way he always did over me, like a parent rather than a brother, but I have always tried to watch out for him too. I see the tiredness etched into the way he holds himself and his face. Eyes so similar to mine that have never been able to mask his emotions from showing the way I do.

He smiles tiredly at me and motions with his hands as he speaks. “Jules is doing fine. She told me to tell you that you better be ‘kicking ass and taking names’.” He chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. “She also says hello and that we miss you.”

I sag a little in relief and nod while clearing my throat that has become thick with emotion. “Tell her I say, same and you bet your ass I am.” He gives me a smile and nod at my response and motions to a chair to sit. I do while throwing out my next question. “So, why am I here?”

“Well, given that you broke protocol and summoned me here, I thought you might want to know what’s going on with the girl, Devanna, I believe is her name,”

“Devi,” I correct him gruffly then frown at myself for caring enough to make the correction. Eli doesn’t say anything, just lifts an eyebrow and looks at his paper before correcting his notes.

“Devi.” He says with a nod.

“So what’s wrong with her? It’s been a day since I took her to the clinic, so it isn’t her just having a cold or something simple like that.”

The first day she had been smiling with enerving energy that just seemed to radiate from her. I almost thought she was going to explode from it there on the train. Even when she was panting and huffing from the climb and run to get on.

As the day wore on the smile faded and she withdrew. Some of the other initiates seemed to thrive on putting her down for anything and everything. Her old faction, her height, her accent...anything really.

Mostly this was other girls. The guys just dismissed or ignored her. Like I have been trying to do.

It was clear after the first night that something was going on with her but no one knew what. I wrote her off by the time we were going to sleep that first night. I just didn’t see her making it. Here we are at the end of the week and I don’t see that changing. I’m pretty sure that’s what my brother is going to tell me, that she’s done.

Once again, I’m cursing myself for not just letting it go and risking myself as I did. Especially now that I know it had been for nothing, because she’s gone anyways.

Then I remember why I ignored all logic and reason. I remember how I felt that night and what prompted me to take her. How small she was in my arms as I carried her through halls, trying not to race along them but feeling a sense of urgency I didn’t really understand.

She was moaning, almost deliriously, but not responding to anyone that was yelling at her to shut up in the dorm that night.

I laid there not saying anything to the others. though I wanted to so badly. To tell them all to leave her the hell alone. Then she went silent and I waited for something, some other sign from her that she was going to be okay.

The others around us were going to sleep, no problem, but I couldn’t. Her silence was deafening to me. I could have left her there and had tried to talk myself into doing just that. Until something made me go check on her and before I even got close I could feel the heat coming off her.

She was whispering something, so faint I could barely hear her until I crouched down beside her. Her eyes opened and they were glazed, she winced away from me and whimpered pitifully but she kept muttering. I leaned in even further and she reached out to grip my arm, and I could finally hear the broken pleading in Spanish.

“Por favor, no ... por favor ... Tuve que irme, abuela. Tuve que ... por favor no me odies.”

I don’t know what it was about her words. Her pleading for her grandmother to not hate her. To understand she had to leave. They weren’t some big revelation, I’m sure all of us felt that to some degree. Worried we are leaving someone behind that will be hurt or hate us for the choice.

It wasn’t so much the words themselves but the way she said them. How strong two of them were, how firm and how much fire was in them as she whispered them out over and over again.

Had to.

As if her life was in jeopardy if she didn’t go. If she didn’t follow her heart.

That was something Jules would do. She followed her heart and come hell or high water she would see it through. No matter the risk.

Did Devi know how much she was putting her life at risk just by choosing Dauntless? Did she even think about how she was nothing like a Dauntless should be in all the physical ways that matter?

But I was thinking like an Erudite with those questions. A Dauntless, a true Dauntless, wouldn’t care about any of that. They would just know there was no other choice. Just like Devi did.

Something inside me broke open for her right then and she wedged herself into a spot that I have hardened to all but two people in my life. Now I don’t know how to make that go away. Tightness starts to creep up on me again, my chest itches and I reach up to rub the spot but jerk my hand back down and look at Eli.

“Some of the others are saying she has the plague or something.”

Asinine.

I know better, and from his look at me, he knows I know better. His lips quirk in amusement and he shakes his head.

“We both know better than that. She is sick but it isn’t terminal…” He pauses and winces before his eyes filled with pain and he lets out a shaky breath then continues while I eye him and carefully mask my own pain “...but it won’t be pleasant for her in the least.”

I nod slowly. “So what is it?”

“Her body is expelling poison and it’s anything but painless.”

“Poison?” I almost shout the question and interrupt him.

Eli holds a hand up to me, a calming motion. “Peace Serum, Eric. You’re aware that Amity regularly imbibes in it, but it seems that her case is extreme. We are talking about a lifetime of daily exposure at high levels. Her body doesn’t know how to function without it anymore.”

I scowl in disbelief wondering how that’s possible and who in their right minds would purposely do this to themselves. But he said a lifetime, so does that mean even when she was really young?

I wave that away mentally and with my hand as well. “So what does that mean? She can’t continue can she?”

Eli shrugs and sighs before dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair casually.

“That will be up to her ultimately, but she’s already waved away the normal method of treatment. I can’t say I blame her. That would have meant removal from training for at least a week if not more depending on how extreme the treatment needed to be. Leadership has already said if that was the case then she was out with no other options available. I was near when the nurse gave her the options and she automatically turned the treatment down, already guessing that it meant she wouldn’t be continuing treatment. She’s staying and will let it purge from her system as naturally as possible.”

“So she’s going to go through initiation while going in withdrawal?” I mutter and look at the table while trying to deny how much that disturbs me especially knowing what I do about how withdrawal patients are treated.

There aren’t many cases where someone gets addicted to substances like I know there was pre-war and the drugs that were common are all but nonexistent for us now. But there are cases where someone gets addicted on the ones we do have and there are even cases where someone synthesizes a substance and then gets hooked on it themselves.

When this happens, the person is isolated and then their system is purged with a cleansing drug. Tests are run to determine how their body is handling the purge and if anything is still off then they are treated appropriately. It can take weeks if not months to treat some of the severe cases my brother has told me about and that’s just from a biological standpoint. Even after he gets done with them they still have much more to look forward to psychologically.

I don’t know if I can spend another night watching her suffer like she has been the last few nights. Now knowing what I do, it’s just bound to get worse and I can’t fucking handle that. “Why give her the choice at all? Why not just send her back to Amity!”

I look up at him when he makes a grunt and I realize that I spoke that out loud. My frustration is coming through loud and clear.

He leans forward with a frown of disapproval on his face. “You know very well they’re going to send her straight to the factionless, not back to Amity. I know you might not care for…”

“I don’t!” I’m breathing hard and rubbing my chest while looking around wildly. “I can’t!”

Elijah’s beside me suddenly and I didn’t even realize he moved until I feel his hands guiding me until my head is between my legs and he is coaching me through my breathing.

When I feel like I’ve gotten ahold of myself, I take the glass of water he hands me and avoid looking at him as I drink it.

I feel like a fucking kid again. Like when I used to have these same kinds of episodes after repressing feelings for so long until they boiled out and over. Elijah always tells me that trying to go through life so emotionally cut off isn’t healthy and I know he’s headed towards another lecture of that kind.

“Are you going to gloat now and say I told you so?” I ask him sourly when I look at him again.

“Have I ever done that?” I can hear the hurt in his tone but don’t respond. If I do I’m just going to end up saying something else hurtful.

I always do.

For being a so-called fucking genius, according to my old faction, I’m useless when it comes to anything resembling social graces. I learned early on that honesty is not the best policy for me. Silence is.

“Eric,” He says softly and leans forward, his arms on his knees and head bowed, “It’s okay to care about people. To open yourself to caring for someone.”

I sneer at him as I scoff, unable to remain silent, hard as I might have tried. “Sure it is. ‘Cause that’s worked out so well for me in the past, hasn’t it, brother?”

He looks up and I see the pain radiating in his eyes. I know my anger and words are opening up a wound we’re still trying to heal between us. That’s kinda hard to do when I’ve refused to talk any more about it.

“I can’t apologize for the way we both feel, Eric and I won’t. You two love each deeply other and that’s never going to change. What you two have is still there and it will always be there. It’s also different then what she and I have, and that has always been the case too, but it doesn’t make what you two share any less powerful.”

I nod and look away, gripping the glass tightly between my hands as my jaw clenches together. “But that wasn’t enough for me to stay, was it? I love her so much I left her when she needed me most. It just proves what I’ve always thought.”

I shrug and look back at him, knowing his next question but also needing him to ask it. Needing to expel it from me just like the little amity is doing right now with her own poison. He’s right I need to talk about this shit. I haven’t been able to until now.

I need to get this all out of my system so I can go back to not feeling at all. Then maybe I can get rid of this new sensation for a girl that has no chance of sticking around.

“What’s that?” Eli prods me softly.

“That I’m not capable of loving anyone but myself. I don’t care who it hurts in the end, as long as I get what I want.”

Elijah rolls his chair closer to me, his blue eyes that are normally filled with warmth are burning with intensity.

“I want to listen to me and listen well. You are not our parents and you have never even come close to them. You could never allow yourself to be like them.”

I listen but I can’t believe the words. I’ve never been able to believe the words. No matter how many times my brother has tried to reassure me of this over the years since our parents all but abandoned us.

His features soften and he smiles at me. “Yeah, you have the habit of pushing all your feelings aside and acting like they don’t exist, but you can never get rid of them. Which is why things like earlier happen. Because, it’s never been that you don’t and can’t care or love, Eric. It’s that when you do, it’s all or nothing for you. Bone deep love is what Jules has always called it. You left, not because you don’t love Jules but because you know that nothing will ever take that love away from you. Not even being in another faction. You said those same words to me when you came to me that night and gave us your blessing. It was something I already knew, but it was also something you had to realize for yourself and one day you’re going to find someone that you love just as deeply but in the it’s meant to be.”

I jerk my head in a semblance of a nod, not bothering to reply how I’m feeling.

I’ve forgiven Eli for taking Jules from me, well, mostly forgiven him anyway. What he says is true, I did come to see that how I love her and how Eli does, they aren’t the same. It’s just that in my mind that doesn’t really matter.

It still hurt and that wasn’t something I cared to open myself to again. I loved her but it hadn’t been enough. End of story.

He pulls back and I breathe a little easier when I realize he’s dropping the subject. Eli leans back in his chair and clears his throat.

“How’s training going?”

“Fairly good, although there was a surprise when it came to finding out how many fears we all have.”

Eli frowns at me. “Did your amount change?”

I shake my head with a scowl and look off. “No, it’s still nine. Which should have been the lowest fucking number among the group.”

“I take it someone is lower?.”

“Yeah. Four of them. The asshole even changed his name to the number of his fears.” My scowl gets deeper when I think of the scrawny Abnegation that’s causing me more uncertainty than he should be. “He’s a concern. I’ve heard some leaders and trainers saying they’re impressed by him. Rankings haven’t been posted since training just got in full swing, but I think we’re neck and neck for first. I’m pretty sure I got him beat in physical, and I don’t foresee fights being a problem, but the scoring percentage for the other stages is a serious concern with his number of fears.”

Eli taps his chin thoughtfully. “That’s an extremely low number. What faction is he from?”

I know where my brother’s train of thought has gone and I can’t say I didn’t immediately think the same when I found out Tobias Eaton’s number of fears. In fact, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to it and what I can do to remove the threat it poses to me.

“Abnegation,” I remark dryly and see him wince.

“It’s the Eaton kid?”

“Yes.”

“Shit.” Eli curses with a grimace then looks at me worriedly. “I know what you’re thinking, Eric, but don’t do anything you’re going to have to live with the rest of your life. You know what they will do to him.”

I shoot up out of my chair and pace around the room. “It’s not like I have a choice here, Elijah. You know what’s expected of me. At some point, I’m going to be expected to have results for them.”

“That’s what they expect. But when have you ever done what those pricks in our faction expect of you?” Eli demands from me fiercely.

“You know why I even bothered to give their offer a second chance. Jules needs this, Elijah. This is how I save her. What does it matter if I turn over some fucking stiff that means nothing to me? Especially if it gets them off my back and me first?”

“Is that really how you want to get your position here? By taking out someone that might be stronger than you?”

I grit my teeth as out the cursed denial, and glare icily at him, giving him exactly the reaction he wants even though I know exactly what the hell he’s doing by throwing that out there.

I call it manipulation and he would say he’s being my own Jiminy fucking Cricket

“How do you think this is making Jules feel, knowing what they want in exchange for her life? Jules knows you as well as I do and I know in your mind you’re already justifying it, telling yourself that any exchange for her would be worth it but how far do you go down that road, Eric?”

The tightness starts again and I let out a growl, spinning away from him and towards a wall. I feel like punching someone and Eli is the only one in sight. “Don’t bring her name into this like some kind of weapon against me.”

I want to punch walls but know we’re already shouting and that will draw attention we can’t afford. We are risking so much already. I stop in the middle of carrying out my need to hit something in anger and just lean my hands against the wall and hang my head.

“I don’t have a lot of options here,” I whisper tiredly.

“No, not a lot, but you do have a few. Eric, we know they’re afraid of you taking the power they covet so much. There was a reason for this and maybe what we need to do is to show them why they were right in fearing you.”

I slowly turn towards him, my mind working double time as my eyes narrow. He waits patiently as I process this, his arms crossed over his chest.

“I’ll need help. Contacts that I know we can trust or that we can get leverage on to make sure they stay in line.”

“I’ve already started working on that. Jules too.”

I want to protest that, not wanting her involved but I know it would be pointless. They made me promise there would be no secrets and that I had to let them help in any way they could if I made this deal.

I gave a stiff nod and then looked at my watch. “I need to get going if I am going to get some dinner before lights out.”

He gives me a strained smile and nods but I see the hesitation. His internal debate and wondering if I will reject his show of affection or not. I step forward and put out a hand which he takes and grips tightly, his hand around my forearm while mine is around his. This is the form of a hug he came up with when I stopped wanting them years ago.

He smiles at me while we still hold firmly. Eli promises to make it for visiting day and that he should have contacts for me soon. We also share words of parting, mostly jokes that have been thrown around between the three of us of what I planned to do once I finally made it to Dauntless. They aren’t as carefree as they once were before our recent falling out, but it does hint that we can get there again given time.

When I go to leave he calls my name one last time and stands there looking serious and worried. “About the girl,”

“What about her?” I ask with a frown.

“I know it goes against what I was saying earlier about opening up and all,” He runs a hand through his hair with one hand and shoves the other in his pocket with the other. “But you need to stay away from her, for now.”

I let all expression fall away from my face and tilt my head. “Not that I see it being a problem for me at all, especially considering she isn’t going to last the week, but why? Does Jeanine know I called you in?”

He shakes his head while I can tell he is warring with wanting to admonish me about my callousness and wanting me to heed his warning for whatever reason. “No. Candice isn’t in Jeanine’s circle and wouldn’t want to be anyways. Something about a friend of hers that went missing or something. So Jeanine doesn’t know I was called in from her, but that doesn’t mean she might not find out from some other source. This girl, she might not actually mean anything to you, but Jeanine is crazy enough to grasp for anything that she can use to sink her claws in you even deeper.”

I feel bile rising up my throat at that but maintain my dead tone and a blank expression. “Like I said, it won’t be an issue.”

He responds with a resigned nod and I’m out of the door quickly after that making for the mess hall. Most of the other initiates had already grabbed food and headed for the dorm which was a relief since I didn’t want to have to deal with them. I ate quickly even though I wasn’t in a rush to get back to the dorm myself. Something about the activity around me and watching everyone go about their lives helped calm me.

Gave me the headspace to think and plan.

Elijah was right about handing the stiff over, it wasn’t something I wanted to do. I didn’t want to win my place here that way just like I didn’t want to have a bit of influence from Jeanine on the leaders to sway them either. In fact, I bluntly told her that was one of the conditions of my acceptance to work with her.

I also know without a shadow of a doubt that if turning number boy over saved Jules, even by way of securing my position, then I would do it and not even blink. If I had to carry that stain on me for the rest of my life I would for her.

The decisions, resolutions really, make me feel lighter. It eases some of the anxiousness I was feeling that I have a solid plan and course of action.

I even find myself talking to a few of the members at the table of the mess hall. I pick at the slice of cake one of the guys shoved at me and listen to them all bullshit with each other, but mostly I just observe things.

I see the stiff slipping from the mess hall, pulling in on himself to try and go unseen like he’s done from the first.

I watch the leaders as they look down at their noses from up on the balcony. Talking among themselves and hardly ever interacting with anyone else. But they’re watching, always watching, to make sure their bidding is being done even if it will lead the faction straight into war.

Max seems to be the one that I’ll have to be the most careful about. I can feel his eyes on zeroed in on me, watching and judging me. Even here when I’m eating dinner like everyone else.

I shift my focus and try to casually look to see if my suspicions are right when I see something out of the corner of my eye.

A small figure hunched over her plate at an empty table far in the back and cast in shadows it’s so out of the way. The tightness in my chest starts to creep back in and I jerk my eyes away, remembering my conversation with my brother.

I know I shouldn’t feel anything but seeing her is a relief. ‘Cause at least I know she’s alright.

So I’ll keep away, but I already know I won’t be able to stop myself from watching.

[lim-lifeinmotion]

A story about a boy just a little bit broken

I would like to tell you a story About a boy that is broken Not by much Only just a little bit if at all You see this boy was a happy child He did normal happy child things He’d play and sing and dance Even if not very good but oh how this boy liked to play In the mud, mud pies, mud soup He liked the mud he did Stuck in the mud, mud scrub, mud bath mud, mud, mud, mud, mud He was an odd little child, Liked playing with barbie dolls, ken dolls He had no preference really And eating snails He enjoyed spending time with his friends Although mum made this difficult sometimes You see mum didnt always agree with the other mums Im sorry you cannot see them anymore But that is okay because he had plenty of other friends to play with But none were like them He felt sad and lonely Where are all my friends? This boy also loved to fish! What a thing it was Spending time with dad who he never really saw One weekend away this little boy had a new friend Of who’m he’d like to play! A new friend he thought  “I’m so happy” Mummy and daddy should we play? Allright said the little boy He knew nothing better Down his pants went I dont understand why? Touches his pee pee Nobody can touch that? But a new friend is a new friend “This is our little secret”? Okay So everynow and then They’d play mummy and daddy She was a lot older  He was only 3 he didn’t know any better He did not want her to touch his pee pee Or lick his private parts But a new friend is a new friend Will everyone be angry? So as the years went by mummy and daddy wouldn’t stop fighting To count the days when they were happy? He was young but even he could count as high as 10? It’s all your fault we fight they said Time and time again If it weren’t for you kinds we wouldn’t have these problems “I don’t want to be the problem”? How do I not be the problem? Be a better boy, listen a little more, Maybe if i stay home I can show mummy I‘m a good boy I dont want you to go away This little boy found a new friend!  Hip hip horaay He was so happy and excited A reason to wake up every day But this boy could never stay over Not for a whole night What if mummy was gone when I get home? Please take me home, I want to go home now. Once more mummy disagrees with the other mummy, I am sorry you cannot see them any more I’m sorry I’m not supposed to talk to you I have to listen to what mummy says Now they wont stop fighting, And we’re moving in with my aunty I liked her dog and her pool and her piano A few years we were happy, no more yelling at last But as this boy got older He saw his sister being yelled at Please stop fighting I don’t like to see you all cry When she was 15 she had had enough He didn’t want her to go but knew mummy would be happier if she did So she did We were happy again Daddy came home but the fighting continued Only with my other sister now It wasn’t long before she moved out  A few years into highschool You see everyone in this family Was in the top of their clases They were not dumb or stupid They weere in fact extremely smart Nerissa was good at english,

 drawing, she was also a very nice singer Tyla was good at netball and maths, she was so popular and so was nissy Ryan was good at maths and art and really enjoyed running and sports, He wasn’t the storngest but he could run and never look back But now everyone had moved out And I was again all alone The boy had no friends Although everypne knew who he was At school he’d walk and chat Bounce between groups making them smile and laugh You’re so funny ryan So many friends now! But on the weekends it was playstation and games Nobody wanted to hang out with him  Out of uniform he really didnt belong And the yelling started again His entire life he did not think it would ever be him? But im such a good boy mummy I try my best every day Until one day It was time to leave You see out of nowhere he met a boy A boy he fell in love with Someone that liked him, thought was funny and kind It’s all he’d ever wanted The boys became close They shared their first kiss Their first everything What a time to be young, to be alive He would get bullied  By the younger students Because the older ones knew his sisters Everybody loved them But they no longer went to school They both left way too young They were so smart and so popular I dont understand why? But this boy didn’t care The silly words people would say He was happy and in love He finally had a friend He started living with this boy, His family were like his own No fighting no yelling A safe and peaceful home for two years they lived together until they grew apart When you’re young you are curious There is so much to live for to see and to do He began to see the darkness again His home was gone again He had no friends The words now had power He tried but he let them in Fag they would say Push and shove him they would do In class he cried At home he died He began to wonder about death How beautiful it would be So he took the knife and made his first cut An addicion he would soon regret At first they were small On the wrist because thats were people did it right? But too many eyes saw  You cannot wear an armband all year So he took the knife and took to his thigh So much more flesh to cut I can go deeper and harder now than before This boy truly wanted to die Bloody sheets  Vodka bottles He stopped going to classes But did all his work He didnt want to be a drop out But he didnt want to go to school So in a bottle of chi he’d mix A bottle before, during and after school Nobody suspected a thing, He never wore uniform anyways He was never rude or inpolite The opposite in fact He had to be a good boy He had a job which he quit Becausee he drank and cut and cried Nothing could stop it A part of him had died So he decided he needed money Skipped a few weeks rent Was told they needed to talk So up he went and left He didnt mean to hurt them He didnt want to be a burden They found the bottles and the bloodied mess He didn’t want to make them angry So back he went “home” To the yelling and screaming The rules oh the rules Do not exist From here things fall apart and there is no more rhymes That little happy child, he was dead now, he died a long time ago and all that was left was darkness, sadness, an anti depressant shell He spent his days drinking and taking drugs and cutting himself. Nothing made sense, the only clear thing in his existance was the fact that he no longer wanted to be in this world and he made it clear that he was just waiting to die. I missed a lot out of this story, a lot of good things happened, he was so loved but honestly those memories are all but faded and bleak lost somewhere in the dpeth of the lonliness he had felt his entire lfe, the sadness, the emptiness that filled him. He was annorexic and coudln’t eat, he saw his weight go from 64 down to 48 where it would stay for some time. He met a lot of amazing guys but none felt right, none gave him that feeling that young cute boy did and no matter how hard he tried all he ended up leaving was a wake of destruction and hurt wherever he went. I could count 10 different people he ended up destroying, 2 earned the label. He never intended to hurt them, he really tried, he just wanted to feel loved, to feel something, anything at all. But never could. He sold his body for sex at the age of 17, he needed money to continue drinking and living because partying to forget was all he knew. What a messed up life this poor child had, no wonder he’s a god damn mess until the other day he knew anything bad that could have happened had happened to him, the other day when he remembered he was molested. He’s been raped by his best friend, molested when he was a child, sold for sex, beaten, thrown to the ground, abandoned on the side of the road by his parents. literally kicked out of the car at 3 or 4 years old and I just remember him standing behind the car screaming and crying, begging to let him back in. He been cheated on, drugged, ruphied, overdosed and died. He’s tried to kill himself on more occasions than I can count of both hands and both feet. He’s put himself in hospital but never once has he intentionally tried to hurt someone, Never has he ever laid another finger on another human being that he hasn’t blacked out and done in a fit of rage, childhood trauma is funny like that. I am not a bad person and I know this to be true but I feel like there is little more that life could throw at me, little more that I can have done to me because I have seen it all, been through it all and I am so angry at the world for this. For so long I see eyes that reflect the soul, I know how to play this game, I managed to trick myself into believing I was happy in order to stop myself from killing myself, you can sure as hell bet I will trick you too. When you look into my eyes and you see that pure innocent smile, that cheeky grin, the light sparking as it fills you with that infections glow. Sure some of the time it is genuine but for the most part I am just so sad and there is no way I want to put that onto anybody else, ssssssssso I will fool you into believing I am happy and so damn peaceful but my actions reflect someone so broken, so detroyed, someone that has next to no love or respect for themselves because how can I? After everything? Im working so fucking hard to make this work, to re learn the things I had stripped away from me, pice by piece, like tiny cracks forming on the glass I was constantly trying to fix and mend but like so many cracks I couldn’t keep up with the speed at which they were forming and shaterring. I became so very good at fixing them but now I am left with a broken soul, A shattered mind, a scarred body, left trying to yet again mend the pieces but she is so very tired, a life without a brake and I am ready to put the brakes on before I break because breaking is all I know how to do, breaking is what I do best but I just need a brake because it will break me otherwise. I know I am such a powerful person, I am so god damn resiliant yet still so fucking loving regardless of all this shit. I wonder sometimes how the fuck I am still here, kicking, working, moving forward trying to make a better life for myself, because with all this on a page and missing quite a lot, that is too much for one 24 years of “life”, That is too much for anyone to endure. I havent even mentioned my sisters life, how they both tried to kill themselves, “Home” was that bad that they would rather have died than exist. My youngest sisters boyfriend killed himself when she was 16 or so, she wanted to follow, had a note and the noose all ready. How much shit can life throw at somebody before it really is just starting to take the piss, I feel my life is just one big fucking joke because no way can this be real, no way can this be the reason I was put on this earth for. If there was a god why would he look at a 3 year old and smile telling him he was going to be sexually assaulted time and time again, beaten and abused for the rest of his 25 years in the world. How fucking dare you. How fucking dare you. This may seem like I am asking for pity but that I do not want, I don’t need your sympathy because it makes no god damn difference o me, It doesnt change the chemicals in my brain, it doesn’t give me a reason to get up in the morning or give me comfort in bed at night. I want you to know how fucking cruel this life has been and why I am so god damn fuking messed up in the deepest and darkest way possible. “Why” is the big question of endless possibilities but this is one of those reasons, one of the many possibilies, the endless ways my life could have gone and destiny looked at me and chose this path for me. Fuck you, Just fuck you and your bullshit lenses about flowers and fairies, I grew up with the monsters under my bed, the headless horseman was my ride through hell and back, Samara was my pen pall and nobody was there for me in the end to protect me, I can’t even protect me, I can’t say no to people so I just close my eyes, pretend to be enjoying it and let it happen. Fuck you Unedited rant because fuck reading this to edit its way too fucking much

[2dtacokit-blog]

Me and fucking mirrors. I stare a lot in them and what i see usually makes very little sense. I dunno if its dissociation or dysphoria but it’s like i can see what is there and then... it shifts. I can hardly focus on any element of my appearance without trying to convince myself something else is there. I forget what i look like a lot, that is dissociation, but since dysphoria has been kicking my ass it has gotten worse. That is, unless I dress or work to transform myself into something my brain is prepared to take in/translate? If I stand in the mirror naked or in my pyjamas, without binding or making an effort to do my usual masc things, my eyes feel like they go weird. Kinda like a lens that is out of focus. We can see what is there but it doesnt compute with my brain. No amount of changing pose, hiding body parts, or whatever helps, it’s like my brain wipes what the mirror shows from my memory. So i just... stare at the mirror for ages. Zoning out over and over until i end up usually close to angry tears or wanting to hide.

Before I started trying to present masc, I would have the same issue but I didnt question my gender, just... hated the parts of my body that marked my gender. I would do my best to amplify those parts, look as femme as possible but I had the same issue... brain fuzz, discomfort, some kinda irritating thing that was going “well none of this is right”. So i assumed it was weight. Weight, scarring, stretchmarks, age, evidence of pregnancy. I grew obsessed with my weight and would switch between starving myself, binging when i felt i was gonna pass out, working out and denying myself any food after. At times i had to have encouragement to finish eating because inside a voice was screaming that I was gonna get fat again. I have barely spoken about this as it is ongoing and i am sick of having problems tbh. As I lost weight, i still had this “it’s not right” but it wasnt that i was fat. Staring at the mirror again like WTF, why is this body that is... not fat, not big at all really, quite small to be honest still making me distressed?!. I was the smallest I had been since my early teens and I was still unable to see my body? despite seeing it.

Is it the shape of the belly then? loathe it, so lets try and get it as flat as possible. As I got close to that milestone I loved how it felt when i closed my eyes but... Looking in the mirror again it was still wrong. Gender started coming in here, belly fat and the stretchmarks on my stomach since my pregancy I couldnt dissociate from my born gender, or the trauma associated. If i cover my body up in a tshirt then i can deal with it just about, until i look in the mirror and its like I have a ramp going from my neck just to nowhere, and my tshirts just hang straight off.The shape was wrong, and I could never get it right. I tried wearing tight fitted clothes for ages but that niggling, itchy, nettle stinging voice was saying it was still hideous and we hated it. If i saw this exact body on paper (why i draw it) I dont hate it or feel repulsed at all. If i see this body on another person i am not repulsed either. It is just on myself. On myself, in photos and in the mirror. So I tried sports bras, and my body had a sillohette of an attractive woman, the figure i thought i wanted all my life and yet it is still not fucking right is it?!

The presence of my breasts made me feel fat, even if they were hoisted high, presented neatly in a balcony bra or squished with a sports bra. I felt fat, and somehow that made me feel more female. Which for a long time i hadnt realised was kinda the problem. I associate weight in chest, hips, ass, thighs and tummy with femininity, all things i dont mind in anyone else but loathe in myself bcz my body should not be that. My body is curvy. Even as i lost a tonne of weight and work out 4 times a weak focussing almost entirely on weight training and heavy lifting, it is still curvy and that makes me feel very female. Which makes me feel very sad.

But it all gets confusing when i am standing there in the mirror, in a binder and masc clothes, face also done to look a lil more masc and what i feel then is sadness and rage. Mainly because i look like a nothing? I dont look like a guy, I do not look like a girl in that state so i look nothing. And that creates more distress. I try hard to dress to exaggerate my masc parts of my body (shoulders and back, legs), but my torso fucks it all up. That and my face because in all my trawling through the internet i havent found a guy that looks like me, mainly because i look like a hecking girl. But then again I dont look like a girl. I know this because I try from time to time to present as a girl in private because the frustration of looking like a nothing is too much and i feel i should be able to just, wear a bra and be okay again.

Bullshit. I stand in a bra in the mirror, wearing my girliest underwear and i want to vomit because i cant see my body again, even though i am staring intensely at it in the mirror. I dont look like any girl i know when i look in the mirror and i can feel my eyes trying to adjust parts to masc appearance. I look like a miserable, sad weird looking guyish thing trying to be a girl - which could be validating for my dysphoria in the sense it kinda goes HERE IS THE THING, but its agony, because i know when i take that girly stuff off and put the binder and masc stuff on, I see a stupid girl trying to be a guy. By this point i am fighting SI urges because i cannot think straight. I simultaneously look too big because of the presence of my fatty femme parts, and look too small because despite all my hard work building muscle is hard. I am somehow seeing myself in that mirror as a fat, gross girl and a skinny, imasculine guy.

I take tonnes of pictures because i try to get a glimpse of the person I saw in a shop window reflection that made me feel like i was rushing. I spend ages trying to pose to feel more masculine, but get the balance right because i cant go full guy, because nothing says “you are just a girl trying to be a guy” than being a girly bodied and faced person trying their hardest to look like a guy. That and I know those photos i cannot show anyone i really know except a few close friends. Like i can feel myself trying to go all the way guyish and then pulling back a bit out of fear and self hatred. My best days though are when I feel like i pass great and people are receptive of it, but those times are fleeting, because every night without fail the battle with the mirror continues and i am lying in bed, stoned out of my mind, ploughing through all my photos and pulling them apart.

Comparing them to actual guys and going “lol you are a complete joke, look at yourself, can you actually comprehend how stupid you look in all of these? quit this you tool.”. Then comparing them to girls and going “i dont look like them either but i also do? I dont want to look like them, they are beautiful but i dont want to look like them.”. Final round in my persecution, i return to the pictures of men who share similar qualities to me, and my drawings, and before i pass out go “you will never look like this, you are a fool for thinking it. Even if you did transition you would never look like this. This is not possible for you. It never will be. You dont deserve those pronouns, and you dont deserve the other ones. You do not exist, you cannot exist, you are so unbelievably pathetic, continually transferring onto fictional characters, dreaming you could look like them. It’s hysterical almost that you try this hard when you know it is impossible, That you are who you are, and who you are does not exist in any sodding form, because the one you want you cannot have, and the one you exist in is so wrong you can never fully see it anyway.”.

Just had to get that out of my system. Feels are high today, and struggling a bit. The double whammy of DID and gender dysphoria is making it very difficult to stay... in this realm of reality? bcz my brain keeps dissociating from it and doing literally everything in its power to detatch myself from my body and the reality where I am this weird freak thing. Like high school and primary school, and like almost all my trauma. Sorry for this BS rant.

[dangkinronpa]

♫ headcanons for chubby tsumugi who has severe depression and self harms but tries to get help with her girlfriends himiko and tenko

heres ur headcanons tsumugi! i hope u like them, and if u want me to make any changes just let me know! ur headcanons are under the cut

♪ mod kaede

- there were a lot of days where tsumugi would wonder why she even bothered trying to continue on. it wasnt like she really liked herself; in fact, she hated various aspects of herself, such as her weight and how plain she was. though she really did try her best to keep a positive outlook on life, some days it just felt impossible to see the bright side of anything

- though tsumugi felt like everything was dull and gray, there were a couple people who helped make everyday a little more bearable. tenko and himiko always did their best to make sure that they could be there whenever tsumugi needed them, and for that she was really grateful to have them both as girlfriends. they both really meant a lot to her

- on days where things werent too terribly bad for tsumugi, tenko and himiko would do whatever they could to try and make her smile. himiko would put on little magic shows with all sorts of impressive tricks (though she would say they were real magic), all the while tenko would try to show her some neo aikido and take her to have a bit of fun and relaxation

- though tsumugi did enjoy having himiko and tenko around and trying to help her feel better, on some days she couldnt help but feel so depressed that she couldnt get out of bed. on those days, tenko and himiko would usually do what they could to check up on her and try to help her feel a little better and try to help make sure she was taken care of

- sometimes, tsumugi would catch herself complaining about being chubby to her girlfriends, who would instantly start telling her that they thought she was beautiful and that they loved her no matter what. even if it didnt really help her stop feeling self conscious, it did make her feel a little better to know that they were always there for her

- the first time that tenko and himiko saw tsumugis self harm scars, the two of them made sure to let tsumugi know that they were always there if she ever needed someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. tenko then began kissing tsumugis scars while himiko began to draw little doodles on tsumugis arms that she thought would be cute

- tenko was constantly going on and on about how adorable she thought tsumugi was and how she always wanted to hold her hands and kiss her cheeks. this never failed to make tsumugis whole face turn bright red, and although she didnt always tell tenko how much she meant to her, she hoped that her feelings could still get across to tenko

- both himiko and tsumugi had a bit of a hard time telling each other how they felt, since they both usually had a low amount of energy and stayed tired all day, but they had little ways of showing each other that they cared. himiko would always pull flowers out of her hat for tsumugi, and tsumugi would try to make outfits for himikos performances

- after she had been dating them for a while, tsumugi started to notice that being with tenko and himiko was legitimately starting to help her feel a bit better. she knew she still had a long way to go, and that it would be a lot of work for her to get to a point where she felt better completely, but it was nice knowing that her girlfriends were a positive influence

- times might not have always been the best, and there were definitely days where tsumugi felt like she couldnt pick herself back up, but in general she was very glad to have tenko and himiko by her side. they meant a lot to her, and they were always willing to do so much for her sake, and she wanted to give them the entire world and more. they were special to her

[magnificentsharkbluebird]

Three times

Yeah, i know, its the third strike, and im out

Yeah, i know, i hurt you

Yeah, i know, im a bad thing to you

Yeah, i understand you, you are hurted by a lot of people

Yeah, i understand you, i bring it back, 3 times

Yeah, i understand you when you sai ‘i dont want you anymore’

Yeah, i need to say that i love you

Yeah, i need to say that i understand your pain

Yeah, i need to say that i know nothing i can say could bring you back

You know? I hate what i said, and how i said

You know? I hate how i treat you so badly

You know? I hate knowing that im a monster

You know? I need to be shuted down for a little while

You know? I need to learn how do things

You know? I need to be good for you

You know? i wanna bring just love to you

You know? i wanna be the greatest person that i can for you

You know? i wanna you back

I know that you hate me now

I know that you have this right

I know that what i did was wrong

I know your best side

I know your worst pain

I know your bright

I know... i just wanna say im sorry

I know... i just wanna you back

I know... i never going to be able to be together with you again

I wont tell you im sorry, because i dont deserve that

I wont tell you i wanna you back, because i dont deserve you

I wont tell you that i think you beautiful, because you never would believe that again

You deserve love, you deserve peace, you deserve an archangel

You know, i trully think you are beautifull, i trully love your body, i trully love you

i cannot say those things again, but my finger can write

I can write all the things i love about you

I can list it, even if you dont believe, even if you never would read this, even if you never wanna see me again, i will always think that:

Yours hair made me love curly hair;

Yours eyebrows made me believe that somethings is really perfect, withoud doing nothing;

Yours face spots make me wanna draw yourself

Yours lips is the softest that i touch, and you have the best kiss in my entire life

Yours ears is so special, so beautiful, so small and yet its a delite to see

Your neck, i love that he is so clean, and without a mark, the best spot to kiss you

Your shoulders, where you carry all the weight, its hard, but beautifull

Yours arms, well, i love it aroud my neck, my waist, and i love to touch it, it has yours scars, your pain inside it, and your history, i would love to mark that with something that you think is beautiful, like i you would permit me to do

Yours tattoos, i love each one of those, each one has a special meaning, and i love that you have that little touch about it

Your hands, so soft, and so hard, it needed to be tough for you, to make the hard work, they know all of you, because its your hands that do everything you need, like eat, drink, or even love, they make you do bad things too, but the pretiest things, like the texts you made, like your plays, they are the pretiest part about your personality

Your butt, boobies and pussy i dont going to talk about, its not the time, but i love those too

Your legs, its the pretiests, i love to touch, and make affection, its good to hug too

Your princess feet, that you thing is ugly, but girls, its pretty, i like foots, and i never liked any ones foot, and well, never told anyone that

And now, 3 last things

Your belly, i love it, its soft to touch, its the best part to hug, its where you wold put my child, where you put your child, its the part that i needed to be more sensitive about, but i didnt, and i hated it, i want you to know, that i love it, more than anything up in this list

Your back, its the most beautiful bback i’ve ever seen, and i love backs too, you know why? If you could show your back to someone, you need to trust that person, its the part that you cannot see, if someone sees it they can do all sorts of things, they can do bad things to it, but you trusted me, and i ever wanted to do good things on your back, massages, drawings, and just look at it, i know everything about your back, that imagem is going to be aways in my head

And the last thing, but no less important: your eyes.

I know, everyone tells about your eyes, i know, you know every little thing that someone could say about your eyes, but let me talk about the most pretty eyes that i saw in my life. let me say that they hipnotize me, let me say that the collor of it isn’t black, its brown, its just... was.. was just everything to me, they heal me, they show me your fellings, when you upset me, well, you just looked at me, and it hurt, more than anything, because the last thing i wanna do is hurt you

You is the love of my life, and i made you slip between my fingers, i coud say any apologies, make any excuses, but you know, i made it, i will deal with the consequences, if some day, you accept me again, i will show my love to you, every single day.

You know, the thing that i love the most of you, is you, like a person, i love your body, personality and your history. Dont understand badly, i dont like your history because is sad, i love because its yours, i love you in complete, i love every detail, like you two birth marks, you back spot like your gramma, the other spot in your back, your 6 spots in your face,especially the one under your right eyes, i know, i may be never speaking how i want to you again, for a long time, and i understand, but i need to say.... or in this case write, i fucking love you, i love so fucking much you that my chest hurt, i love you so much that hursts me fisically everytime i hurt you, or say something that make you fell down, the worst thing in my life is know that i lose you, but i cannot let myself down, i need to construct my love in you again, and, someday, if the luck of loki permits me, you will be with me again. i will make you fell AWESOME, and then, i will see your happness evryday, like i want it too

Yeah, i know, its the third time

Yeah, i know i lost you

Yeah, i know i love you and will do everything to be in your side once again

If I could I would heal you faster than a heart beat, all your problems

I’m sorry

[queen-of-the-crows]

OC Fact Meme

Another OC meme! tagged by @a-shakespearean-in-paris you should all follow her, shes awesome. I’m gonna fill this one out for Thea Hawke seeing as she romances my favorite character

Also, I need to finialize some stuff for her since that’s going to be my next little fic

GENERAL

Name: Thea Amaya Hawke

Alias(es): Lady Amell, Lady Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall, Hawke, Thea (Fenris is the only one of their company who calls her by her first name but only after their first night together), Love (Fenris calls her love when they’re alone after getting back together), Jynx (Varric’s other nickname as bad things seem to always follow her)

Gender: female

Age: 21 at the destruction of Lothering, 28 at the end of Dragon Age 2

Date of birth: Dragon 9:10, winter

Place of birth: Denerim, Fereldan. This is where her parents stayed until she was born and they didnt have to worry about her mother traveling Spoken languages: Common tongue, some Qunlat (taught by Fenris while she taught him to read) Sexual orientation: She considers herself to be straight although she spent some time with other girls while she was a teenager in Lothering; its men that she’s attracted to Occupation: Champion of Kirkwall, former tavern girl while in Lothering, Vicountess of Kirkwall although she didn’t hold the post long, former smuggler

APPEARANCE

Eye color: bright deep blue Hair colour: pure white. her parents always said it was the magic in their blood and the Fereldan winter that made her hair white Height: 5′6 Scars: The largest is one that spans from her left shoulder blade and then goes down her back on a diagonal, ending at her right hip, received from a Qunari blade during their siege; Anders healed it enough for her to fight the Arishok but even his magic had its limits. She has another on her left forearm from when she was teenager received in a fight depending Bethany from a bully which she won of course. The thid is a stab wound in her right thigh given to her by the carta when she was smuggling. Burns: N/A Overweight: No Underweight: No, she isn’t under weight she is thin and toned for her size. Being a rogue, she relies on speed and not the muscle for brute strength.

FAVOURITE

Colour:

blues and dark red

Hair colour

she always thought she prefered darker colors, like black or deep brown until she met Fenris and couldn’t imagine it any other way

Eye colour:

Any color that would captivate her and mesmerize her, draw her in making Fenris’s eyes the most beautiful she had ever seen

Music genre:

She doesnt spend much time listening to music, she reads or plays Diamondback or Wicked Grace or draws. if she was a music person she would probably listen to things like Evanescence.

Movie genre:

Mysterys as she loves puzzles to solve and comedies cause sometimes she would need something lighter in her life

Tv show:

She would probably watch shows like Doctor Who, full of adventure in strange places and Sherlock cause of mysteries

Food:

She’ll eat whatever but her favorite thing is any type of pasta and she has a wicked sweet tooth for cake

Drink: Rum, specifically spiced rum

Book: Anything and everything. she did read all of Varric’s Hard in Hightown. 

HAVE THEY

Passed university: definitely not, with apostates in her family she didn’t have formal schooling Had sex: Yes of course Had sex in public: if by public we mean not in someone’s home then yes. but no one was ever around, they were always alone Gotten pregnant: no and she doesnt want children Kissed a boy: Yes Kissed a girl: Yes Gotten tattoos: No Gotten piercings: no Had a broken heart: Somewhat, their was a boy in Lothering when she was 16 Been in love: With Fenris Stayed up for more than 24 hours: definitely, more than once

ARE THEY

A virgin: No A cuddler: oh most definitely A kisser: there are few things that she would rather do more than kiss Fenris; correction there are none

Scared easily: by things no, by the thought of her own death no, by something happening to Fenris most definitely, nothing scares her more 

Jealous easily: Fenris gives her no reason to be jealous as he only has eyes for her so she has never really had her jealousy tested to know Trustworthy: Yes Dominant: she does both, depending on her mood and Fen’s mood Submissive: see above, their relationship is a healthy mix of both In love: Most definitely Single: Nope and never will be again

RANDOM QUESTIONS

Have they harmed themselves: No, not on purpose. There were training incidents when she was younger and learning her weapon Thought of suicide: somewhat but never in a she would do it type of way; she would be lying if she said the thought never crossed her mind after losing Carver, Bethany, and her mother but it was more in passing and then not again Attempted suicide: No Wanted to kill someone: Oh yes, the monster who killed her mother and Danarius and she took joy in both their deaths. Except in circumstances like that, she doesn’t relish killing people Drove a car: She’s a fairly competent horseback rider, in modern times she would probably drive a classic muscle car Have/had a job: she was a tavern wench in Lothering and was briefly Vicountess of Kirkwall, also was a smuggler  Have any fears: Fenris dying or being taken from her, her life meaning nothing, failing the ones closest to her

FAMILY

sibling(s):

Carver Hawke, younger brother by 3 years. Killed by an Ogre while escaping Lothering. He always had a rough relationship with Thea and they never got the chance to repair it before he died.

Bethany Hawke, younger sister by 3 years. Died in the Deep Roads during Bartrand’s expedition, taken by the darkspawn taint. She was always very close to Thea and her death devastated Thea. She wanted go get something special to remember her by but hadnt found the perfect thing. Bethany was sunshine in her life

parents:

Malcolm Hawke, from Ferelden, an apostate who escaped the circle. Died in Lothering, taught Thea how to use a quarterstaff as it was close to wielding an actual staff and the only weapon he knew how to use

Leandra Amell Hawke, from Kirkwall, thought she was left out by her parents when she chose Malcolm but they loved her all the same. She didnt always agree with Thea’s choices and they did but heads over some things including Fenris initially and the fact that Thea didn’t want to live the life her mother wished of her which was that of a noble. she came around though

children:

none, she and Fenris decided that wasn’t something that they wanted for their life

pets:

As a child she had a fat grey kitten she named Charcoal who followed her everywhere, she had the cat from kitten all the way until the day it died when it was about 15 years old.

a Mabari that she ironically named Barkspawn who found her while waiting for the ship to Kirkwall and immediately took a liking to her and came along for the journey

Wow this took a while, but it was fun! Tagging @annorarutherford @enchantment1385 @sassylavellen

[gololblr]

"Did god have a say in the creation of the world" is a phrase that doesnt seem that odd when first looking at it, but can really mess someone up.

Like, was he limited to making our world with the constants we currently have? Could god have just said, yea lets round the G to 7*10^-11 and everything would still work out?

This also goes into my personal gripe with lines. Draw a line on a piece of paper, yea? Look closer. It aint a line. Its a gradent. There is no point that it suddenly becomes black from white. There's always white in the black, and vice-versa. There's always gray area.

Science knows this fact. They know that there are always more decimals n stuff, but they just choose to ignore it. Pass it off because its too small to matter in the long run? And yet, decimals can still fuck up am equasion a lot. Using 10m/s compared to 9.8m/s compared to (G*M1*M2)/(d^2) doesnt seem like a lot, but it really is a lot. Highschool physics? Literally throw air resistance out the window for the entire class. The only mention is that its not to be taken into account.

Seconds are the same way. If someone asks you to do something at a particular second, its really hard. Even then, theyres still gray area. Even with the implimentation of frames and button presses in video games, theres still a kind of window where its gray. Where its in between two frames. That area still exists.

Im honestly no "big brained" individual, but honestly humans are literally like if you hit the "randomize all" option on like the mii creator, but with like infinite possibilities. And honestly, to me thats much more beautiful and poetic than being told im made to fit the mold of some perfect being and its standards.

This goes into my own personal "dice roll" think. Tbh, theres probably some big brain theologian or old dude with a beard thinking about this right now, but in a different context, but my idea is as follows.

You can roll a dice yea? Its got like 6 sides on it. Now you'd think that that means when you roll it, there are only 6 possibilities right? And roll it enough times itll land back the same as when you started? Well in my mind, it can technically land on the same number, but it cant land in the same position. Think about it. Just from the directions of the corners, you can tell its wont. But if you look closer, you can tell it will never be the exact same positioning. If you roll a dice, it may land on that number again, but itll never land in the same spot.

This can also be seen in identical twins. Even though they look the same, they still have differnces. Whether it be a nose .00004 mm to the left, or a scar over their eye, or a hatred of spinach, there will be a difference. Even 2,000,000 years down the road, when someone is born with the same name, and the same face, they wont be the same as you. They wont have the same inteactions, or likes n dislikes. Even if they did somehow do not only gene manipulation and simulations on someone to replicate you, they couldnt possibly have the exact cell mutations or gene replication errors that make the little things in you, you.

You are just as unrepeatable as the roll of a dice, or the exact moment a leaf breaks off and falls. Which brings me to my next point.

I have never witnessed a leaf leave its branch. I have literally sat and watched trees and leaves every fall since i realized how mind boggling it is, and i still have yet to see it.

Dont get me wrong, ive seen falling leaves, seeds, and pinecones. I know gravity works and why fall is so great. Bit i have never seen a leaf cross the threshold of letting go of its branch. I know it exists. I know that wind probably effects it, but leaves will fall even without wind. I cant help but wonder at what causes that windless leaf to fall. Is it a cornerstone cell that just finally gives out? Is it some other kind of thing? What could possibly result in a falling leaf?

What is the exact chemical process that results in decay? Suprisingly, thats a question i can anwser. That is simply the improper copying of dna and stuff.

And yet, we still dont know how our brains work. We can look at cells, we can look at atoms, but we cannot possibly understand why laughter is a thing. We dont know anything about sleep, and even less about anaesthetics. Yet we do them regularly, even rely on them.

Humans survive mostly from two things. Sweating, and speaking. And honestly, those are probably the most horrifying things imaginable for prey. Sweating means we have cazy endurance. We can and will hunt anything down until it physically cannot move, and then kill it. And screaming to eachother at the same time. To be hunted by humans is much more scary then literally anything else. That is why horror mostly stars human-esk creatures that hunt humans.

One of humanity's greatest assests is also one of my biggest gripes. That is our obsession with observation and ourselves. We observe the world, and from that are given measurments and tools. We then use that to help ourselves. But we also have to see things. A famous phrase is "seeing is believing". Perfect example of this. We have to touch things. Even if its just with our eyes. But we also for some reason dont want to process things that arent ourselves.

Think about the non-humans that humans create. All those elderic abominations amd the like. Even the green martian men. They all are humaniods in shape. Even demonic, and cursed things have limbs. They have a head, and they have a brain. Anythign that is supposed to be equal to us or greater to us in power is humaniod. God? Humanoid. Satan? Humaniod. Kuthulu? Generally depicted as humaniod. Honestly the only exception to this idea is the angels in the bibel, like the cherubim and seraphim. Which at least one of them is a munch of rings with eyes and also wings.

Anywho, where was i? Oh yea, lines.

Nobody's perfect. Even in a computer world. Pixels are made of lights, which blend together and create gradents which are imperfect. Imputs are rounded. Time is rounded into frames. Fundamentally we are out of sinc with the universe. We round the numbers to the place we care about, putting a blind eye to those things.

Yet dont they add up? I mean in some cases yea, they do. Clocks become slow or fast. Heck even the official weight of a gram has changed. The object that was used to measure a gram actually ended up decaying enough that it messed up the official weight.

Dont even get me started on pi and natural e. Apparently (and i dont know for sure on this) but engineers round those numbers to 3. Like that is just messed up. That will actually, and legitimately fuck up a building or anything else.

Humans are truly odd creatures. Did you know that the current understanding of why we want to closely touch and even harm/kill cute and adorable things and even have the epression "i could eat you up... etc." Is beause we cannot process that emotion and so to relieve ourselves we want to rid the world of its existence? Its freakin wild honestly. We cant process something so we kill it. Itsnt that something just so specifically human?

Humans have such a thirst for knowledge, and yet also a fear of it. Consider comparing people like stalin and hitler and even the church, who burned and banned knoledge, to librarians who kept that knowledge.

Consider the eletric universe theory. Something that goes contrary to the current model of physics, but also works better in some areas. According to that, the sun wasnt always our sun, and also we were originally orbiting a red sun. Something totally wild to think about, but also makes sense. Like why ancient peoples kept talking about a red sun, and venus as a comet. It also states the idea that we didnt always have seasons, and that has something to do with why plants bloom when under red lights. I honestly dont know as much as i would like about this part to explain it better, but oh well.

We have this need to put everything in order, to have perfection. We just want to be the best we can. Specifically better than everyone else. And even if that means killing, harming, or demeaning others. Only if we are on the top, we will be alright.

--- Intermission---

... i just want to mention that i have no degree in this shit and also no sources bc im too lazy and tired to look up that shit. Also, when i say "human" really i can only speak generally. I know for a fact that some peopld break the mold to certain extents n stuff, i just wanted to streamline it a little bit.

---Intermission over---

Our obsession with being the best has led us to ome conclusion. However, that conclusion is contradictory to the question asked. To become the best, we have to work with others. Because "if i cant be the best, then nobody can.". And boom, we got society n shit. We start working together to hunt amd gather, and generally be nice people. Because loosing someone means lossing another source of food.

But im getting off the point. This isnt supposed to be a history of humanity. Everyone already knows that story. Humans started planting things, created towns, created cities, fought eachother and died a lot. Eventually enslaved eachother and finally decided that was a bad thing, even thoug not everyone in the world agrees. Now there's god, and politics, and school, and problems.

But what caused all of this? What was the catylist? What was the starting factor? Can the reason people fight today be traced back to the first accidental killing of a brother like cain and able? Or is it somethig totally recent. Is the reason we have society because two ancient homo sapien families merged? Or was it something else? Why do we wear clothes? Theyrs little to no reason except in the winter. Especially if we started in africa or Australia. I have no anwsers for these questions.

But dont let the past decide who you are. Theres a reason we have memories. Its to improve yourself. We are constantly at a crossroads. Even if you dont realize it.

You can physically do anything. Humans are scary crazy. If you just put enough minds to it, literally anything is possible. Sending someone to space? Yep. Being able to kill all life on the planet? Yep. Be able to eat uncooked broccoli? Definitely. There are of course some holes in that last statement. Like you cant physically eat the planet in 30 seconds, or (at least right now) cant change the way you think about cheeze puffs. Doesnt mean that cant change in the future. But at the moment.

The future is scary too. Genetic engeneering, designer babies, and pollution is all on the horizon. The only thing stopping is it ouselves and maybe god.

If you could ask an animal what god it believes in, what would it say? Is such an easy question for theologians to brush aside. (Not that ive asked one) i can just imagine them quickly responding "animals cant think dumbass" or "animals dont have souls" or "animals arent made in the image and likeness of god". Those are nice anwsers and all, but they dont anwser the question. I asked what god does your pet dog believe in, not why doesnt my dog tell be about every time zeus boned some village girl and how that gives them the right to bone me too.

Thank you for listening to my insane ramblings about the human condition, lines, and other weird stuff i have no sources for. I want to mention that most of this stuff is probably fallacies, but this was never meant to be taken seriously or coherent anyways.

[synonymousandrogynous]

kei

name: kei kogane (visual base: daiya no ace - furuya, zuko’s eyebrows, haise sasaki’s hair) [written with the character for ‘blessing’] korean name - hyun tae 

age/dob: 20, 2/24

height: 5′11″, 180 cm

weight: 152 lbs, 68 kg

skin tone: medium to tan

eyes: light brown, needs contacts/ eyeglasses for stay in days

hair: currently silver with black roots, usually blonde with black roots, naturally black

build: muscular (toned) and athletic, proportional

ethnicity/race: half korean half japanese

do you/others consider you attractive?: yes

clothes style: trackpants or basketball shorts and tshirts. monochromatic. baseball caps and adidas jackets

special features? scares? tattoos? birthmarks? long scar along the inside left ring finger. tattoos: black bands along left forearm, mothers advice on right wrist, fathers advice on left wrist

health: fit and exercises often, no allergies, diseases or physical weaknesses

handedness: left handed writing and sports, right handed bass

voice: rich, deep clear

speech: very basic (others say coarse) when conversing. broad vocabulary. speaks with academic or professional language easily with those unfamiliar

quirks: collecting girly hairpins and such and tying hair up to focus, completely unphotogenic, sleeps with two or more blankets

hygiene: normally very hygienic and organized, when in a slump forgets to cleanse. does not wear cologne, smells like laundry detergent

typical facial expression: deadpan

typical body language: shuffling, shrugging, speaking expressively with hands

occupation: student (biology major environmental science and urban systems and planning double minors)

describe the world you come from. where were you born? where do you live now?: real, present universe. daegu korea, california usa

family: sara jung and kotaro kogane, wealthy doctors (neurosurgeon and cardiologist) who met in seoul, moved to southern california to raise their (at the time) 5 year old son. ambitious towards their careers and loving kind and doting towards not only those near and dear to them but also to their patients. im a little spoiled. no siblings, two corgis (tae and joon) and an oversized tabby cat (peanut aka nutty)

earliest memory: posing for a photo after a hike at yosemite

schooling: public education until high school, private high school and college. no prep school or tutoring

where did you learn most of your knowledge and skill?: hard work, trial and error, self taught

what did you want to be when you grew up?: a doctor

when and with whom was your first kiss?: my eighth grade crush

are you a virgin? if not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?: alex chung on my nineteenth birthday

most important event of your life so far?: being told by parents to persue passion of environmental science and that i didnt have to be a doctor

greatest achievement?: none

greatest regret?: none

most embarrassing or shameful thing to ever happen to you?: none

secrets?: none

most evil thing you have ever done?: exacting slow vengeance on a classmate in seventh grade for calling me by slurs through emotional manipulation of him and his peers until he was completely isolated and a target of other people’s bullying

the time you were the most frightened?: when father was unaccounted for on an airplane that had crash landed

travel: taiwan, hong kong, china, korea, japan, canada, italy

religious alignment: agnostic. there’s probably some higher power, but i don’t believe in any specific god

basically optomistic or pessimistic?: pessimistic

are people basically good or basically evil?: evil

what makes you angry?: fear and shame

sad?: disappointing others

happy?: performing music, doing well in school, shopping, baths, sex

what is the most evil thing any human could do?: betrayal

do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? yes

are you superstitious?: no

the most important person in your life and why: my mother who raised me to value myself, others, life, my planet, and the opportunitites i’ve been granted

significant other: alex chung, my guitarist. we met in my second year of high school after we figured out we had been dating the same girl. we clicked instantly, first out of spite then because of similarity and music, and a year later realized that we wanted to take our friendship further. we’ve been together for three years now (korean, 6′2″ (188 cm), black hair, brown eyes, similar build, reading glasses, chemical engineering major, college baseball [5th batter, 2nd base] and cross country, frat boy and dresses like it but he steals my slides sometimes). only my parents and bandmates know

do you have a lot of friends?: many acquaintances and a few good friends from my bio study group, environmental imagineers club, jazz band in high school, bandmates)  

have you ever been in love?: probably

what do you look for in a potential lover?: patience, firm beliefs that align with mine, someone to make music with, good listener

do you want a marriage, family, and/or children?: no, a lifelong partner and like 5 dogs maybe though

do you tend to argue with people or avoid conflict?: avoid conflict with those i don’t know, but argue with those i consider close to me if i am bothered

are you a listener or a talker?: talker

do you hold grudges?: rarely

do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situtations?: no

do you like interacting with large groups of people?: no

are you expressive?: only around those i am comfortable with and through my music

how quickly do you judge others?: slowly and carefully

do you care what others think of you?: rarely

favorite pastimes: practicing bass or playing catch with alex

favorite color: aqua blue

favorite food: mom’s kimbap

most prized possession: five string white warwick bass signed by oor

preferences in arts & entertainment: can enjoy anything from museums to raves to jazz clubs to pub performances, appreciates but does not understand visual art

drugs, alcohol, and sex: yeah

how do you spend a typical saturday night?: either playing a show or studying or watching movies or brunching and a nap

what is your most cherished fantasy: being able to affect global environmental policy or be a doctor that has the luxury and ability to help those affected by climate wars

how long is your attention span?: moderately long

stress: rarely stresses about academics, instead about interpersonal relationships and

humor: very bad at making jokes and puns, but enjoys those that his friends deliver

athleticism: swimming, soccer, and baseball since before i can remember and water polo when i turned 11. i played as goalie since i was 9 for soccer and since i was 14 for water polo. one year jv and one year varsity soccer. jv water polo for one year and varsity for three. i was pitcher and 5th batter in high school and played varsity all four years and am playing pitcher and 6th batter for college. the only real reason i have any muscle is because alex started pushing me to go to the gym from sophomore year onwards

artistic abilities: mediocre at guitar, better at composition and bass and can sing slightly better than average. has next to zero drawing skills

greatest strengths: wellroundedness and ambition

greatest weaknesses: inflexibility

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? be more open minded and a better listener

are you generally introverted or extroverted? introverted

daily routine: brush teeth, wash face, practice, shower, gel hair, morning class, brunch, afternoon class, nap, afternoon practice, study, cuddle and catch up with Alex, shower, wash face, brush teeth, sleep

what is your goal for the next six months? get good grades and a job

what is your goal for your lifetime? make a positive change in the world