#was also the part where he had the least freedom and was forced to truly rely on and care about the people around him

[gumy-shark]

okayh okay HI you said you wanted to know about the freedom/passion dichotomy thing? ive got the graph and i am going to do my best to explain this to you despite me barely having a grasp of it on myself. THIS IS VERY LONG IM SORRY.

so the first thing you need to know is this just started as a way to split my ocs and help me make character arcs and motivations, and it became a little bit of a habit to categorize my favorite characters this way as well. its is in no means a perfect dichotomy, and im constantly looking for ways to refine it, but for now the best way ive found to illustrate it is this:

basically its which think they represent most... or what they value the most? idk its kind of a case-by-case basis and is dictated by Vibe. like I said THIS IS VERY FLAWED so bare with me pls

when i first started watching lmk i sorted all of the characters i knew into either category. this was within the first four/five days are watching so some of it might be.. off? but i think its still worth something as my first impression of the characters, and it'll probably help illustrate what i mean

Wukong -> Freedom Macaque -> Passion Wukong and Macaque have this thing where one has too much freedom and is learning to temper that with passion (wukong) and the other has too MUCH emotion and is trying everything he can to gain true freedom (macaque) (this is true even when he isn't under LBD's control but is esp prevalent then). they each value the opposite thing they stand for and are trying to be more like the other, without even realizing it. MK -> Freedom Dont get me wrong! He very much has passion! He holds a lot of emotion in that body! but a lot of that passion is the passion for freedom. he just wants to be able to be himself and hang out with his friends, he doesn't do well with all this responsibility :C Mei -> Passion Does this need defending? High sense of duty (mainly towards her ancestors and her friends), and so incredibly passionate. and impulsive. She spits fire when angry! Nothing more to be said honestly. Red Son -> Passion Is a really good parallel to Mei, has too much passion to fit in his body. [In the original notes, I noted that he was 'scared of true freedom, but doesn't know that yet. I'm pretty sure this references his relationship to his parents? Smth smth he's too scared of making them angry so he doesn't explore who he is outside of his relation and loyalty to them?] Pigsy -> Passion this man doesn't need freedom when he as his passion for food. what does he need to be free from? he has everything he wants HEART EMOJI! Tang -> ...Its complicated The thing with tang is that he kind of gets like a character arc with like. Responsibility and his care for his friends? He goes from low passion/high freedom to low freedom/high passion over the course of the show. please note that i am insane about him and if i really wanted i could write a whole essay about him. Sandy -> ??? ONCE AGAIN ITS WEIRD. I WISH THE SHOW FOCUSED MORE ON HIS CHARACTER AND BACKSTORY BC I CANT GET A READ ON HIM.

okay thats the main cast, and HERES THE ALIGNMENT CHART ACCORDING TO THAT. WITH OTHERS AS WELL.

theres not a lot of people without any value of freedom and passion at the same time so the grey area is pretty empty LMAO.

ANYWAYS. I BROUGHT THIS UP TO BEGIN WITH BECAUSE OF THE CHARACTERS WITH EYE SCARS TRIFECTA!!! Basically i see them all of how i described macaque earlier. He's trapped in a situation that he doesn't want to be in, whether it be LBD's control or his situation wiht wukong or his own creepy and standoffish persona/his trust issues making it hard to make real connections with others.

(in contrast wukong loves doing his own thing and just Hanging Out and never stopping his own momentum, but he also has trouble caring about... a lot of things actually. he's just soo easygoing! responsibility harshes his vibe!)

But anyways, macaque's problems are very similar to quackity and tempest's, i feel. Quackity constantly feels trapped by physical threats like techno or dream, and also his own circumstances and trauma (a lot of it from schlatt and manburg). a lot of his actions are him trying to reclaim the freedom he used to feel when he was younger. tempest felt she couldn't be truly herself without her horn, but in trying to get it she got herself in a really bad situation where any wrong move could get her killed.

The passion part comes in play in different ways for them all. Quackity tried not to care about people for a while, but still can never stop being extremely loyal and protective of his friends. Tempest had lots of rage inside her and was so intensely driven to get to her goal. And Macaque canNOT stop obsessing over wukong honestly. All three of them are very passionate, and all three of them are constantly trying to gain more freedom.

This is a super long ask, but thank you for inviting me to ramble about this lmao. I think everyone represents freedom or passion in their own way, and this dichotomy really only matters for characters BUT I THINK ITS FUN. THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TEDTALK!!!!!

i had a whole Thing written out and i was so proud of it and then my phone decided to delete it before i could post and not save as draft. but yeah im putting this chart in the microwave and then eating it and then putting it in the fridge so i can keep it overnight and microwave and eat it again. this is so fucking Good. in their attempts for freedom macaque cquack and tempest all disown the people they were when they Were free, bc they want to be unbound entirely, but they Feel too deeply for that to ever be a possibility for them. so they do the next best thing and try to pass those "lessons" they've learned on to others OUGH it makes me sick!!!

[forthevillains]

Arranged marriage

Albert Wesker X fem! Reader

also if you’d like a second part with NSFW let me know;)

Wesker could never imagine himself being in a classic relationship, where he’d fall in love and take his time with the person. No he had too much to do, so much work he didn’t even have time to meet new people and make an effort to make a woman fall in love with him. Yet as he worked on the virus and nearly all the test subjects he’s injected so far died within first hours, a thought crossed his mind. His own body accepted it, meaning that someone with the same blood, with the same strong mind could do the same. And so he’s decided to find a wife, hell to even pay for her, he didn’t give two shits about it. He needed someone worthy of carrying his children that were to be the key to the future. That wicked thought of his soon came to reality, he’s found a beautiful young, intelligent wife whose father was willing to give her up for the money. It was the biggest mistake he’s made though, forcing someone as determined as you into the marriage.

You hated Wesker, so badly, most of the time you two were yelling at each other and Albert held himself as good as he could to not strangle you. It was a living hell, especially for people who have worked for him, having to witness you two fighting like small children.

You knew what you wanted and that was freedom. You’ve fought for it the best you could, not letting Wesker touch you at all, throwing one insult after another and as much as it seemed like the best way to make his visions come true, he restrained himself from touching you without your consent. He hated how morals got the best of him now, when he needed it the least, but whether he liked it or not, he knew that he’d go against himself if he ever did that. He was the one wanted by women, he never had to force himself onto one and he sure wouldn’t do it now.

He changed his tactics though. Letting you sleep in your own room, without him anywhere near you. Except for the cameras planted in a corner of every single room. He liked to have things under control and he couldn’t trust you just yet.

This lasted a year or two. No progress from your side, however Albert? He got so used to watching you do the basic things, to hear you complain about how much of a pain in the ass he is, how you disliked Excella for the mere reason that she kept annoying you with how much she’d like to be in your place. He was growing so used to you that he actually began to fall in love with you. Slowly, but deeply. No matter how bad of a relationship the two of you had, whenever he spied on you and saw you so careless, smiling at the peace you’ve finally achieved - he grew addicted to that. He wanted to watch you more often, but the goals he set for himself didn’t allow him to do that as often as he’d like. You’ve got the poor man wrapped around your finger and you didn’t even know.

Not only that, you’ve actually done much more, only to disobey, only to possibly hurt him. You still remembered how you sneaked out of your parents’ house when you were a teenager. So you did it again. And realizing that Wesker didn’t talk to you about it the next day - you knew you could do it again. He either didn’t care or didn’t see you, but both were to your advantage.

It’s no surprise that you settled with cheating on your husband. He was distant enough that you just wanted attention from elsewhere. You were bored, lonely, with no one to talk to, nothing to do, as Wesker was always working and you weren’t allowed to talk to anyone else. It also felt quite refreshing to get out of the imaginary handcuffs he put you in, even if it was for a mere hour. Surprisingly, he didn’t find out for the first few weeks. You could enjoy affection and sex and he didn’t know a thing.

Wesker noticed the difference in your behavior and was pleased by your sudden obedience, glad that you finally realized what’s truly best for you. If only he’d known… He felt like that was the time for him to move your relationship further, to finally act like husband and wife and so he began buying you small gifts, spending more time with you in mere attempts to form a bond. You went along, but still - you wouldn’t let him touch you at all.

He would find out eventually though. And god was he pissed to get to know such a thing. His blood was boiling and for a slight moment he considered killing you. How dare you do that to him? And only when he started to care about you!

The man you’ve been seeing is found dead soon. No regrets from Wesker’s side.

You’re getting furious though.

"I could never love you! Get that through your head, old man!” You shouted at him and for the first time since he married you, Wesker froze in place. Have you just called him old? Have you just admitted that he’s unlovable? He doesn’t get it. He really doesn’t, but he’s done playing nice.

He makes your life a living hell afterwards, having you by his side all the time, not even letting you shower alone, let alone go to toilet. He’s always with you, no matter what you do and even when he has work to get done - you’re there assisting him. He doesn’t care how bored you are, you’re gonna be there with him.

If you try to run away again, he might as well put a collar on you to put you in your place (don’t make him do that.)

You’re forced to get used to your new life. You’re forced to be with him, forced to love him. And once you fall, there’s no coming back. He’s going to push you, he’s going to make you fall, because that’s what he’s wanted since the very beginning.

[graveyardcuddles]

Some rambling personal thoughts on Astarion's endings since I can't sleep.

I find myself really loving Astarion's spawn endings and ALL of their variations even more the more I think about them (the exception ofc being the cursed af endings where you don't help him AT ALL and he either gets turned into a zombie or is still being hunted by cazador even after the game, but I'm obviously not talking about those).

I think I, like many others who grew very attached to his character, were left feeling very torn over his initial spawn ending before the added epilogue. Because Astarion being free from cazador and learning to truly relish in that freedom AND use it towards more positive ends is the entire point of his spawn endings. But we don't really get the chance to see that fully paid off in the narrative. One could argue that we do see the very beginnings of it with the graveyard scene and the morning after scene and how he makes several comments about never being a slave again after he kills cazador. But then we get a rather painful reminder of the fact that he's still been forced to give up something he's come to love and cherish so much over the course of your journey. And then we just kinda end on that note.

I definitely didn't regret keeping Astarion a spawn, even after that. But I will admit there was a part of me that still really wanted to see more for him. And that's why I really do adore the epilogue. I know people have their issues with it and say it's unrealistic for Astarion to be so "healed" after only 6 months but I disagree with this take because we're literally only seeing a glimpse of him on one really good, happy night, it's not necessarily a reflection of how he usually is. He could very well still be having days where he struggles, and he almost certainly does. But comparing his previous 200 years to his possible (good) spawn endings, it's not really surprising that he's thriving. Same with the "counterweight" comment. He's not saying the 6 months you've been together completely negates and erases the 200 years of torture. He's saying his freedom and your love have been such a HUGE contrast to what he's had to live through for so long that they feel like a counterweight to the horrors.

I think about how far he has to come for him to actually get to those endings. His bounty hunter/adventurer ending? Amazing! He's relishing in violence and living his best rouge life. Leading the spawn in the Underdark? Speaks so much to his character development that he actually cares enough about them to even attempt such a massive undertaking. Lots of potential for healing of course but also: Holy shit the potential for unhinged shenanigans as well. Going to the hells with Karlach? Incredible! He's not just getting to enjoy tearing up cambions all day he's devoted to Karlach and helping her it's literally so beautiful.

Something else I really adore about his spawn ending vs. his ascended ending is that he burns down cazador's palace in his spawn ending. Burns it to the ground and destroys it for good. Whereas ascended Astarion literally moves into the palace and like...sure you can headcanon that maybe he eventually has a new, even grander palace built. But the mental image of Astarion wandering those halls is just so fucking sad to think about. He could go anywhere and do anything but he's still physically occupying the space that hosted so many horrors and tortures for him. And it to me that just screams that he's still there mentally.

I'll always defend people who like the ascended ending because I understand the appeal of it. As a dark romance enjoyer, I very much understand the appeal of the dark consort ending. And I don't even think this is the "worst" ending for Astarion because there's at least still potential for him (as opposed to the endings where he dies or is still being hunted, which ARE the worst endings for him). But it does feel like a step backward for him. And I think the people who go "Well this is just NATURAL character progression for him he's selfish af of course he would want this" Think too little of him or at least underestimate his capacity to care for others.

Because he very obviously DOES care. And allowing him to get to a place where he can foster that sense of compassion for others is truly so beautiful and so profound to see. I'm someone who is easily moved by fiction already but Astarion's story really touches my heart just because of how rewarding it is to see how far he comes in those endings.

[sporeblossom]

logging back onto this website to say that while i dont think (???) it was intentionally done, the scene before their "last day" where frank is working on a portrait of bill, reminded me of keith haring's "unfinished painting"

comparison here before i explain:

keith haring's painting was purposely made to look incomplete. haring was diagnosed with HIV in late 1988, and died in early 1990, at the age of 31. the painting is a self portrait, hitting us with the gut-punch reality of how the aids-epidemic robbed haring of the right to finish his own story. the overwhelming amount of empty space is a glaring reminder that haring didn't just have a short life, he had an incomplete one. the piece points to all that empty space and says: this should have been filled out. this should all have been my art, my story, and my space. by claiming this empty space, haring claimed the empty space of his unlived life, that was taken from him and so many other people, by a negligent and homophobic society that refused to care about the pandemic ravaging an entire community worldwide.

now back to my original point: like i said, im really not sure if this was intentionally done by the show. but when i was watching this episode and i saw this scene, i immediately thought of this painting. the blue color of the eye trailing off onto the blank part of the canvas is, at least to me, a strong visual parallel.

and i feel like this visual parallel highlights some very important thematic parallels as well, which deserve to be talked about. in the show, the outbreak starts in 2003 which means that bill and frank have both lived through the aids-epidemic. they have seen people like them die. they have experienced the hatred and isolation that came with it. you could speculate and read into things ad nauseaum, but i thinks it's safe to say that in this place and time, this also plays into how careful and hesitant they are, when they first start to show intimacy with each other. in their world, they didn't even get to experience the legalization of gay marriage.

seeing as this show takes place during another, fictional, pandemic, airing at a time where the real world has just faced another actual pandemic, it is impossible to ignore this aspect of their story.

these two characters however, are not destroyed by the outbreak in the show. they find each other, they experience freedom, love, and a full life together. their life is not cut short.

in an absurd twist of fate, when the rest of the world is finally forced to experience what it's like to be abandoned by your government during a devastating epidemic, this is when these two people find happiness. they get to go running, and have fights, and grow strawberries, and have friends over for dinner.

and after spending nearly twenty years together, frank spends his last time working not on a self portrait, but on a portrait of bill, the love of his life. this is the sort of thing that rightfully should have filled the empty space of haring's work. finding love(s) spending your time together, that is a life lived.

and yet frank's painting is unfinished, because of course we are never truly done living. we are never truly done loving. but he got so much more time, so much more story, than the people we lost to the aids epidemic, which the trailing off blue paint reminds us of.

at the same time their house is absolute filled with all the paintings that frank did finish, showing us all the good days he got with bill. and in a way, i feel like that is the show being very aware of what it is: a complete, beautiful story about two men loving each other, in a world that sorely lacks these stories. a world where we had so many unfinished, incomplete lives, that we lack an entire generation of older gay men.

and even though i was completely reduced to tears by the end of this episode, the ending still filled me with some sort of mournful joy. because yes, even though it was incredibly sad to see their last day, these two men got to fill so much of their empty space. they got to experience love, and they got to live their life. like bill says: "im old. im satisfied. and you were purpose."

so many people didn't get that. keith haring didn't get that. a whole generation of queer people didn't get that. that makes this episode so much more moving for me, because it is not just an incredibly beautiful love story, but it is an incredibly beautiful love story that the world should rightfully have seen millions more of. but all those lives were incomplete.

so with the undeniable, but unspoken, presence of the aids epidemic in the narrative of these characters, this visual reference to keith haring and aids, purposeful or not, is incredibly meaningful.

[mitsuki91]

Characters analysis about Coriolanus Snow and Lucy Gray Baird.

(This is copy-pasted from a chat so forgive me if it's kind of messy).

Premise: Lucy is well aware of where the weapons are and makes Coryo find them on purpose.

Analysis: In my opinion Lucy recognises that Coryo still wears a mask in front of the world. She frames it immediately because she, in her own way, does too. She loves him, because she has seriously fallen in love with him (trauma bonding lol), but she also knows deep down that Coryo will always want to go back to the capital and make a political career, because it's the only way he can feel in control (and in a way she even understands this). She is worried that he will force her to follow him and put her in a cage and she is torn anyway because she loves him and would like to be with him but does not want to become a canary in a gilded cage... So she is slowly trying to make him understand that there is an alternative, that Capitol City and politics are not everything, that there is a life beyond power and beyond hunger. Only it all comes crashing down in 0.2 seconds. Coryo shoots the mayor's daughter and Lucy thus has 1) confirmation that Coryo would do anything for her anyway 2) sees how his paranoia starts, especially when Sejanus is hanged. She knows, because she knows him, that he sold him out to try to save his own skin. But she also knows that he is terrified and see himself already dead. She would like to reassure him and tell him about the weapons etc. but she knows that it is only prolonging the agony, because if Coryo could feel 'free' and return to the capital he would, and she is not up for it. So she finds a way to make him find the weapons - she first has confirmation that, even at the moment when Coryo loses everything, he still chooses her, because he loves her - and she watches him to see what he intends to do, but as she suspects he is not yet ready. She sees, in his eyes, that for him that discovery means 'freedom', a freedom greater than the truly free life he could have had with her. So she decides to take the first step and stop him from really choosing.... Because Coryo might choose her in that moment, but in one, two, five years etc. it would blow up in her face (between recriminations and various things because, basically, they want two different things out of life). Their love is not enough, Lucy knows that. So she does not give him the power to torture himself into a slow descent and chooses for him, leaving him. And he goes mad because he loses control, possession, over what he considered to be his by right because of the love he feels (his view of love and life: he sees possession as the highest form of love, because he grew up in a world where he had nothing and now only values the things he possesses).

Basically Lucy Gray values her freedom above love and Coryo values power/wealth/control above love.

Love exists between them, it is true.... But they have two different visions of life.

They have both betrayed each other in the worst way for each other.

Trust and loyalty.

But it wasn't a selfish spite, at least not on Lucy Gray's part.

He was still in full paranoia about the trust issue so he wasn't clear-headed, but she wasn't loyal thinking she was doing him a favour in the end by leaving him 'free'.

In the end, they 'gave' each other the most important thing they consider to themself: Coryo was giving her himself - "I am yours, Lucy, and I will follow you to the ends of the word" - i.e. possession. She gave him freedom instead.

[ukrfeminism]

A new survey of female cyclists from the London Cycling Campaign has unveiled the relentless abuse women are subjected to on London’s roads. Now, a new petition (link below) is calling on the Mayor Of London to take action.

If you’ve never done it before, the idea of cycling in London can be intimidating. Wrapping your head around all the different routes and cycle lanes can be confusing, and the roads are particularly busy and crowded. But these are things that get easier with experience. What doesn’t get easier is having to deal with abuse – something nine out of 10 women who cycle on the streets of London have experienced, according to a new report. 

The research from the London Cycling Campaign, which aims to make cycling in London safer and more enjoyable for everyone, is based on a survey of 1,000 women who travel by bike in the capital. It found that 63% of women experience abuse from other road users at least once a month, with that abuse including verbal, sexual and physical attacks – including women being groped or slapped on their bikes while stopping at traffic lights. 

Women were also concerned about the safety of cycle routes and the infrastructure currently in place, with nine in 10 saying they would start to cycle or cycle more if they had safer cycle routes – for example, protected cycle tracks – for their journeys. Currently, over half of the women surveyed said they were forced to choose between cycling on busy roads without any safe space or through isolated, quiet or dark places for their journeys.  

The campaign group says these experiences – especially the on-road abuse – have a knock-on effect on the number of female cyclists in the city, where two-thirds of the daily cycle journeys are currently taken by men. And the survey backed this up: over 20% of the women said they’d given up cycling, temporarily or permanently, because of abuse. 

Stylist’s deputy editor Ellen Scott knows all too well how scary it can be to cycle as a woman in London. “I cycle to and from work and I love the freedom of it, but every commute has at least one dangerous moment: most often male delivery drivers on their bikes speeding past or cutting you off without warning,” she says.

“I had an incident a few months back where a male cyclist pushed past me and another woman while we were stopped at a red light. He did it so forcefully that I was shoved off my bike and left with a massive bruise. 

“And it’s not just other cyclists, of course. I was egged while riding my bike by some people driving past in a car. The same week I had a man in a van chase me while shouting out of his window because he thought I’d gone through a red light (I hadn’t).” 

Strong Women editor Miranda Larbi has also faced unwanted attention as a woman on the road. “Cycling is a massive part of my life, and I truly believe that it’s improved just about everything – my mental health, concentration, fitness and mood,” she explains. “In the winter – when it’s not raining – cycling is straightforward, but I’ve found that in the summer you tend to get quite a bit of unwanted attention. 

“Just when it gets warm enough to cycle in shorts and a vest, that’s when the horn beeps and shouting starts. I’ve even had a bloke run up to me at the traffic lights and try to sit behind me on my saddle. Men have tried to run after my bike or kerb crawl in cars alongside me. I’m not intimidated but I can see how that would put new cyclists off.”

Following on from the survey, the London Cycling Campaign has put together a petition calling on Sadiq Khan, the Mayor of London, to take urgent action to improve women’s physical and social safety while cycling in London. The suggested changes include providing more high-quality cycling infrastructure so women feel safe cycling on their own and with children, and working to measure and reduce the abuse women are subjected to.  

The petition, which is still available to sign, also calls for local cycle networks around schools and businesses to be improved to encourage more women to use cycling as a way to get around their local area. 

The final petition will be handed to a representative from the Mayor of London’s office at the group’s central London LCC Women’s Freedom Ride on Sunday 3 March. 

“While more and more people are cycling in London and safe cycle routes are rolling out in many boroughs, there’s still too many parts of London where cycling isn’t and doesn’t feel safe enough,” Eilidh Murray, chair of London Cycling Campaign, said of the findings. “Women still face additional barriers to cycling and additional hostility when cycling.” 

Sophie Linden, London’s deputy mayor for policing and crime, also responded to the survey’s findings: “Every woman and girl should be able to enjoy the benefits of cycling in London without fear of violence and intimidation. Yet sadly, across the UK, we face an epidemic of violence against women and girls and today’s report demonstrates the significant impact this abuse and aggression is having on women cyclists.” 

She continued: “It is simply unacceptable, and the Mayor and I are committed to preventing violence against women and girls and challenging the attitudes that enable these behaviours.” 

[teainthesnow]

@somerandomdudelmao has absolutely destroyed me with that latest Cass Apocalypse update so my brain decided to spit this out in return.

- - - -

Looking back, he realises that he knew – in some small defeated way – when he woke up that morning and his legs refused to leg that this was it.

There were many thoughts and emotions that ran through his scarily sluggish brain at that realisation.

Why here?

Why now?

He still had so much to do.

So much to prepare for.

This couldn’t... He couldn’t...

But he also knew that he could only accept it at that point because what else could he have done?

He still puts up a fuss when his brothers carried him into another room and bundled him up in blankets and pillows. They set him down onto Raph’s arm, and Mikey and Leo settle down on either side of him.

And that’s where he finds himself now. In a familiar yet vastly different turtle pile. And he is warm and cosy and comfortable despite everything.

He stares up at the ceiling and if he tries hard enough, and lies still enough, he can almost pretend that the crumbling roof above him is actually the chipped tiles of their old sewer home.

He takes a breath and he can feel the rumbling breaths of an alive and not robotic Raph beneath him. That there is no hair upon Mikey’s head as he presses against his side. And finally that the two hands that Leo clutches at him so desperately with, are both of equal size with familiar warm and unscarred scales.

He releases the breath. Barely paying any mind as to how long it had been since he breathed in.

The lair's ceiling is a comfort and the softly glowing green lights lull him further into peace.

And in the morning they’ll all wake up and get into their usual shenanigans again. They’ll go fight some villains or cause some chaos. Perhaps even get some pizza after.

And nothing is wrong.

And life is simply a slightly messy joy.

He would give everything to have it all back.

To not be where he is now.

Weak and usualess and... and dying.

He blinks, having to force his eyes back open, and he is back in the resistance base. And brothers are still clinging tightly to him.

They’ll be okay, he thinks to himself.

And, sure he is worried, and scared, and filled with so many other emotions that he doesn’t even have the time to try and describe or make sense of.

Despite that, however, he believes that he can trust his brothers.

Trust that they’ll keep themselves alive.

Keep the resistance strong and victorious.

And that they’ll beat the Krang and make them pay for every little thing that they did.

For all the loss, and destruction, and pain, and fear.

And then Raph would live again.

He would eat his honey, surrounded by his family.

April would keep them all going, keep them grounded while living the life she deserved.

Casey would grow up to be strong and brave.

Mikey would be a fantastic mystic warrior.

With Leo a beloved leader and respected ninja.

And it would all be okay.

There’s a slight bitterness, a simmering anger, that he won’t be there to see it. Won’t get to enjoy that well deserved rest, to see what freedom could bring or even live the life that he could barely even imagine anymore.

But at least they will.

And, to him, that’s all that really truly matters.

He closes his eyes, letting himself become enveloped within the warm embrace of his brothers.

He knows that his time has come.

Faintly he realises that he should say something. Some cheesy goodbye or emotional last words. Perhaps a grand gesture or maybe he could even steal Leo’s trademark and go out with the stupidest pun imaginable.

But, maybe, nothing is needed.

Perhaps, lying here, surrounded by his family, is the best goodbye he could give for now.

And maybe some part of him hopes, somewhere deep down, that this isn’t truly the end. That he’ll see his family once again.

He smiles.

Yeah, he thinks, this is enough.

He hears faint whispers in the air.

A comforting voice. Another friendly face.

Two softly glowing green hands reach out towards him.

He lets out a breath.

And reaches back.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

[compacflt]

hey! seeing your post about iceman and hamilton reminded me of the 1812 au that you had posted about previously - do you mind sharing any of your thoughts on that, specifically Ice & Mav's reactions to the politics of war back then, before the US military and Navy were such huge institutions (in today's standards)? EDTS Ice & Mav are decidedly anti-war (more Ice than Mav I think), but would that same sentiment be true for them back then & how would Ice feel about war hawks like Calhoun & Clay? there's obviously a pretty big role that war plays in forming national identity, especially in early US history, and with external forces like impressment & embargoes & all of the international relations nightmares that came w/ early state building, I'm really interested in how that may have an impact on how Ice and Mav view military service and duty. I would love to read this fic if you're still planning on writing it (really I love to read everything that you write tbh) - also hope you are doing well!! 😊😊

hiya!! i hope you are also doing well!! I am not sure if im ever going to post the 1812 au to be honest—i would really love to but i think it would be so long it would have to be my first priority for a few months, and I’m not sure when I’d have time to do that. but i have it all planned out at least, so maybe we can compare notes.

So here are my notes.

IF i were to complete my 1812 AU… It would not be about Ice at all. Which is how I’d be able to stomach writing about Ice’s death. AND the characters would be very very different from the characters i wrote about in EDTS (i.e. confessed their love for each other way back in the 1770s). And what I want to tackle in this AU is exactly what your ask is about—duty to your fledgling country! Im interested in a version of TGM maverick who had to be away from the love of his life, on his deathbed, to serve the national interests of his country. *questionable* national interests, in TGM’s case, or *forgettable* national interests in the War of 1812’s case. The War of 1812 is sort of America’s forgotten war—its causes were nebulous & hard to rally around/understand today, and there were no real heroes until the end, unless if you count Andrew Jackson as a hero (i really try not to). So this would be a direct attack on the heroism we are presented with in TGM: what is mavericks mission really accomplishing in the grand scheme of things? Using the 1812 war, itself forgotten and largely irrelevant, as a meta backdrop for that question of heroism.

So—this version of Ice & Mav are: actual factual war heroes. Revolutionary war heroes who were genuinely educated & truly believed in the American experiment of representation & freedom from tyranny. Fighting the British 36 years apart. (Something i really really like & will take advantage of… the 36 years between 1776 and 1812 exactly equaling the 36 years between 1986 and 2022… it was meant to be.) They’ve spent their whole lives together in the romantic sense, in a world where they couldn’t live openly together but at a time when sexuality was also understood completely differently. But they have to be apart when Ice is dying because Maverick has been handed a mission, a duty, by the USG that he has to take care of. (Part of the reason I’m stalling on this project is because I don’t really know what that mission would be… something something naval warfare, something something Captain of the “USS Dagger…” but im a better romance writer than an action writer… idk how to come up with those plots at all. And I’m not super well-versed in EARLY naval warfare [I prefer wwii navy stuff] so idk how ships like sailed clippers & schooners etc actually work. That’s a completely different wheelhouse for me & is integral to a story like this, and fundamentally im kind of a lazy person who doesn’t put a lot of effort into research if I don’t have to)

the AU would be written in two parts—the warm summer of youth vs cold winter of old age. Confronting my own fear as an author of getting old & dying, tbh. What does it mean to be a hero and die of old age? Shouldn’t you want to die WHILE being a hero? Part one: 1776-1782 is… ice & maverick falling in love and dealing with goose’s death together and cementing their hero status in American naval history (like they do in the original top gun). Then part 2; 1812/1813… ice is retired from being the first USN commodore/secretary, but he’s dying and maverick has to choose between being with his de facto husband in his last days VERSUS being out at sea, serving his country, but for a war that he (a bit metaphysically, to serve my metaphorical aims) knows will be forgotten. He can be a hero or he can be there for the love of his life but he can’t do both. Duty & sacrifice. Ice persuades him it’s time to let go, maverick goes out to sea, and then ice dies while he’s at sea. & the 1812 war was kind of forgotten, and their love will never be known by history because they were two men, so what was that sacrifice really for? Shouldn’t he have been home with ice?

Which leads me to: I am also slightly interested in an interpretation of the TGM mission as a possible su*cide attempt on mav’s part, post-ice’s death. Trying to die a hero. So, there’s that. That would be in it as well.

Some issues: that’s pretty simple & i submitted a 4k short story with this exact premise (1776 war hero has to choose between one last shot at heroism in 1812 vs staying with his male lover at the end of his life) to one of my writing workshops last semester and they loved it. But, by god, does it get 10x more complicated once you add Bradley to the mix. It’s ALWAYS made it more complicated & it’s why I’ve had so much pain trying to edit EDTS over the last 8 months (as you know). Because LETS PLEASE BE REAL TGM did NOT give me much to go on there. Like the emotional turn that is I think SUPPOSED to happen in the scene where ice and mav talk in TGM—I don’t understand it & I think that scene was only written for fanservice because it serves no purpose in the story and I’m not sure what emotion we’re supposed to take away from it. Maverick says “please send me ice, don’t ask me to send someone else to die,” (is he asking ice’s permission??) and ice DOESNT actually answer that request, doesn’t even acknowledge it; he says, in a COMPLETE AND UTTER NON SEQUITUR, “It’s time to let go.” Maverick says, “yeah I know,” so what does that actually mean? Who is he letting go??? Bradley??? Goose??? ice himself??? Is ice giving mav permission to go or not???? It’s so vague it means absolutely nothing, and i have no idea what ice’s emotional/story purpose in TGM is except to bail mav out of sticky situations and nostalgia purposes, and don’t even get me STARTED on how out-of-character it was for MAVERICK (guy who hates having his papers pulled from the Academy) to pull Bradley’s papers from the Academy in TGM, both of which are why ive struggled so much trying to fit Ice into the mav/Bradley narrative of betrayal & loss etc. And in a two-shot piece where all those years in between are kind of skipped over… idk. I feel like I would sort of have to sacrifice the Bradley storyline for the overarching icemav duty-sacrifice-heroism theme. With WWGATTAI, i was KIND of able to do both, but only after MULTIPLE rounds of very very intense editing & like 50k words of rewrites and even then it’s kind of awkward so… idk. For a quick two-shot like this I’d have to pick. I don’t have the energy to write another 50-100k reinterpreting that story all over again lol

So to answer your question it would be way less about the actual weird politics of the 1812 war and more about providing a place for me to get into mav’s emotions dealing with ice’s death and the historical implications of a mission like that, kind of glossed over in the movie … though this ice & mav are veterans of the XYZ affair / battles with the Tripoli pirates, so that probably affects how they see things… but mostly, duty is still duty & orders are still orders, but sometimes following orders means sacrificing what little time left you have with your family… following the TGM timeline where ice only has about 2 weeks left to live from Mach 9.

So, pros of the 1812 au: lots of the purple prose poetic writing i shamefully really like. Icemav open and honest with each other from the very start ❤️. Dealing with the themes and emotional consequences of ice’s death finally. Focusing only on mav instead of only on ice. Penny & sarah in a lesbian relationship. Some discussion of the cyclical nature of queer history (i.e. we’ve always been here making history and we always will be). Mav finding reasons to live after ice is gone.

Cons of the 1812 au and why I’m hesitant to really get invested in writing it: don’t know much about pre-diesel naval warfare so can’t come up with the technical action elements of the plot & too lazy to do that much research. I have a sailing license, so I know like… knots and rigging and mainsail vs jib/genoa/spinnaker and sloop vs schooner etc, but i do NOT know anything about THAT kind of sailing. Warship sailing, tactics, “dogfighting” equivalents, etc. Also: would probably have to sacrifice the whole “getting Bradley kicked out of the academy-equivalent” storyline, just to make the story less complicated. Not sure how much of the original ice and maverick the story would retain as a result. Also: i know wayyy more about the early national period (1776-1800) than anything after about 1808, but even then the last time i was really into this period of history was my freshman year of high school, so i can’t necessarily claim to know what im talking about when it comes to the intricacies of the early American state (as i think is pretty obvious here). Also too lazy to do that much research.

But, here are some notes/snippets etc if you would like. they’re solidly 6 months old now & unedited & largely unresearched, just throwing words on the wall in writing phase one, but whatever

[dearestaeneas]

1 and 5 for zeno!! 8 and 9 for ardan!!! and then also 18 :3 for the pride oc asks!!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

1. What's your oc's gender identity? What's their relationship to their gender?

Zeno is nonbinary and uses they/them exclusively! i like to think that they view their gender as neutral and that they take a lot of pride in being super androgynous. i think for them, there’s a kind of ownership associated with binary genders and so being genderless is kind of freedom. it comes as a double-edged sword, too, though, because i also think of them as a really isolated character who leans into Being Mysterious™️ because they’ve been forced to be separated anyway. to me, Zeno’s entire character is about recognizing when something isn’t good for you and getting away from it, and i think their relationship to gender is similar

5. How did you figure out your oc's identity?

i honestly don’t have a lot of (human) nonbinary characters! it really was just because i wanted to give someone they/them pronouns! as i kept writing them, though, it felt important to keep them androgynous for the reasons in the previous question, like with that relationship between varying degrees of gender and varying degrees of freedom

8. Have they had struggles with their identity, be it due to internal or external reasons?

honestly, not really? the little i share about his life outside of Plot is that he was raised by pirates and became a traveling bard. the boy’s had a lot of exposure to what different things can look like, and if anyone had a problem he wasn’t planning on staying long, anyway. he struggles a lot with identity, but i don’t think much (if any) of it is related to gender/sexuality. he struggles a lot with how he feels about Adrian, but it’s less identity based and more concerned with how he could be deceived by him and how Ardan puts his friends in danger

9. Are there cultural or lore specific aspects to their identity? If applicable, does their species affect it?

yes and no. i think Ardan truly sees these aspects of identity as details, which gives him a lot of freedom and adds to a really open-minded view of people, but it also gets him in trouble because i think he forgets that even though these are something he feels he understands naturally, other people don’t or are more ingrained in traditional cultural values than him. i think it’s important that ABC starts with him misgendering the gods, because it’s an honest mistake. i think he doesn’t see it as important, not because he doesn’t value it, but because he thinks of it as so flexible. it’s a mistake that comes off as malicious because he’s been a part of a different culture from the places he travels to. i also think it’s important that he adopts something (mindset, info, etc) from each place he goes to- he’s meant to be this human melting pot! he values interpretation above all else, and he gets stuck when he comes up against rigidity

18. Do you prefer to give your ocs specific labels, or keep it unspecified? Why? If applicable, do you change their labels depending on circumstance?

i don’t think i have any ocs where i explicitly identify someone’s label? or at least, not any ocs that i use beyond like, a short one-off. i think a lot of my ocs have explicit identities that are important to their arcs/respective stories, but i don’t know if i’ve ever said outright that Branwen is bi or Celeste is a lesbian, for example. it had been a long time ago, but Neil Gaiman had answered a question once about how he does identities/appearances for characters, and he said that he purposely leaves descriptions vague so that the reader can decide for themselves what a character is meant to look like, and if he wants an explicit feature/identity, he outright says it. that stuck with me- i like having that ambiguity and giving readers that power! it’s like how i want to make it explicit that Celeste and Ardan aren’t white, but characters like Ulysses or Casek, etc are up to you.

every character i write has a specific sexuality/gender identity, but it’s honestly just fun for me to write it in as offhand comments (i believe at one point Celeste makes a joke about how Branwen and Ardan are so similar, but since she doesn’t like men he’s not being cute, he’s just annoying) or having it like Branwen or Ardan’s bisexuality where it’s so central to their stories that the only ambiguity is that i haven’t said the word itself. it can also be a pain because i write fantasy and it’s like…do they use the same language to talk about this? is this a universe where we need a label? do they have the same understanding of gender and sexuality? all that to say, i put myself into all of my characters to some degree, and as a result each character is gonna have some aspect of queerness to them! i have specific labels for all of them that don’t change, but like, if someone says they see Ardan as gay instead of bi, i’m gonna be able to disagree but still go “yeah i get why you’d say that”

I JUST POSTED THIS, BUT EDIT BECAUSE I FORGOT TO MENTION HER: i think my most ambiguous character is honestly eris, and that’s truly because i don’t know what her label is. and i definitely feel a way about that because i want to know because i think it’ll help me write her! but in the same token, she doesn’t know who she is, and i think it’s kind of cool to like, learn with her. eris is my truest Choose Your Own Adventure character

[thefirstknife]

I was hoping u could help clarify something for me, bc i feel like i'm missing or misunderstanding something?? So in one of the cabal missions where u gotta kill their champion, Zavala says something along the lines of how Guardians don't answer to him, or bow down to him, or however he put it.

But... isn't that exactly what the vanguard does? They're practically a military, he even uses the title of commander. So we DO answer to him, he's our commander, we have to follow his orders. IIRC, the Forsaken dlc was technically The Young Wolf going rogue, Zavala expressly forbade it? If we were meant to be free to make our own decisions, then Zavala shouldn't have been able to forbid it right? Just advise against it?

I dunno i might be misunderstanding everything, but Zavala saying we don't bow down to him while leading an entire military feels BIZARRE, especially when some see leaving the vanguard as just straight up abandoning humanity

It's hard to say honestly. There's definitely a command structure involved, but there's also a fair amount of freedom for Guardians to act as they please as long as they're not endangering the City. I think that's the crucial difference.

In Forsaken, our involvement brought with it the very real danger of aggravating both the Eliksni and the Reef Awoken into a conflict with us. That was primarily the reason why Zavala was against it and why he had the authority to forbid it. Our actions could've caused a war and war would've caused danger to the City. In that case, Zavala is definitely someone who has the authority to forbid certain actions.

There's also the for example the Praxic Order which is the closest the Vanguard has to a some sort of policing force but that's quite literally only reserved for the most dangerous cases of Guardians going rogue. Guardians who get corrupted for example and are a danger to other Guardians, Ghosts and civilians. Praxic Order has a Ghost-restraining tech and can put dangerous Guardians in prison, basically.

So the common thread seems to be whether a Guardian's action can cause major conflict or death. If it can, then Zavala is definitely an authority that can enact rules, but if not then Guardians are truly free to do as they please.

This is also interesting with the Great Hunt in which Guardians using Ahamkara wishes were a major danger, but since it was so widespread and impossible to control (mostly because wishes could be made accidentally as well), the Vanguard could not physically stop all Guardians. They just cannot exert control over such a large and powerful population, which is actually very chilling when you think about it. So the Vanguard's solution was to kill Ahamkara instead. Which is quite fucked up to be honest!

Basically, there's some control when the situation is really dangerous, but there is also a lot of freedom for Guardians and they don't have to obey him at all or be part of the Vanguard. A lot of Guardians don't really do much for the Vanguard, at least not consistently and are still considered normal Guardians. All depends on how much their actions can cause real tangible harm.

[soldiermom1973]

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

I’m still setting up the next long fic for Allie & Kaidan’s adventure.  This story is part of it.  It’s a second chapter for something I wrote a couple of years ago for N7 month.  I’m posting a snippet here because it’s a long one - you can read the whole thing on AO3.

HUGE shoutout to @elleweird, @ghostxofxartemis, and @kalliesa​ for the beta reads.  Your concrit & advice was IMMENSELY helpful.  Thank you!!!

.

.

.

.

.

.

Kaidan and Rahna messaged and vid-chatted daily and saw each other as often as they could.  Rahna's job allowed her more freedom than Kaidan's, so she frequently traveled to him.  At first, Kaidan felt a little guilty for dating again – his heart would ache when he and Rahna held hands or snuggled on the couch; hell, the first time they kissed, he almost called it quits right then and there.

But Allie was dead, so it wasn't like he was cheating on her.  And she would want him to be happy, right?  It was nice being a part of something special again, to have someone to talk to at the end of a rough day, someone to share things with, and the guilt stopped when he realized that yes, Allie would want him to move on and be happy again.

The months went by and things got more serious.  Kaidan hadn't used the L-word and they hadn't slept together yet.  Sometimes he got the feeling Rahna was more serious about things than he was, but she was patient and let Kaidan set the pace.  She assured him she was ok with things how they were, that grief wasn't a straight line, and that she was willing to wait until he was ready to take things to the next level.

He appreciated her patience and often told her so.  It was strange, really, that he wasn't willing to jump right in with both feet.  It wasn't too long ago that he was the one suggesting immediate co-habitation.  He remembered the butterflies in his stomach at the thought of waking up with Allie in his arms every morning and tucking her against him every night as they fell asleep and sometimes wondered why he didn't have the same reaction with Rahna.  He truly enjoyed her company and cared about her, but there was just something holding him back.  Something he couldn't put his finger on.

Then Horizon happened.  When Kaidan confronted Allie, feelings he thought he'd dealt with and buried were forced to the surface.  Anger and hurt at her silence barely overshadowed the fact he was still in love with her and that opened a whole 'nother can of worms regarding Rahna.

Kaidan messaged Rahna that night – she didn't know where he was, only that he was investigating the missing colonists – and told her he'd be offline for a bit and not to worry.  He knew he'd be on Horizon for at least the next week, gathering witness and survivor statements, coordinating with Alliance personnel, and working on his report.  He spent his downtime in an empty field, beer in hand, staring at the sky, trying to figure things out.

He replayed his conversation with Allie over and over in his head.  Was he too harsh? Perhaps.  Now that he'd calmed down some and was thinking with a clearer head, maybe he should have been more open-minded to what she had to say.  But the fact remained she wasn't dead and didn't reach out to him.  On top of that, she was working with Cerberus.  That alone was almost inexcusable.  Still, he felt guilty for how he reacted to her; watching her eyes well up with tears almost broke his heart at the time and now he felt like he owed her an apology.  He also wanted to sit down with her and talk, to see if they could clear the air.  He knew he still loved her and judging from the look on her face when they spoke and again as she was leaving, she still loved him, too.

So where did that leave Rahna?  Even though she hadn't said it yet, Kaidan knew she was in love with him.  His feelings for her weren't on that level, not yet anyway, and now that Allie was alive they might not ever get there.  He thought about how they reconnected in Chicago all those months ago.  After BAaT, he confided in his mother about his feelings for Rahna and how she shut him out.  His mom gave him the 'If you love someone, let them go' speech.  At the time, her words were cliche but in retrospect, maybe there was some meaning to them.  Back then, Kaidan didn't seek Rahna out knowing he'd scared and hurt her.  Fast forward a few decades and they managed to find each other again and were seeing where things went.  He'd have been lying if he said he never wondered where the two of them would be now if they hadn't separated back then.

He thought about all the times she hinted about the two of them moving in together, subtle mentions of shared expenses allowing for more saved money, less travel to see each other, and more time spent together. Something always held him back, though.  With Allie, they'd practically been co-habitating since the day the met, but that happened when you spent time together in the confined spaces of a starship.  After Saren was defeated, all of their downtime was spent together in her apartment on Intai'sei.  He knew ahead of time that she abhorred wet towels left on the bathroom floor and always made sure to cap her toothpaste.  Little things that he agreed with that they got to know about each other while they served on the SR-1.  It wasn't like that with Rahna and he wasn't sure he wanted to move in with her to find out just how compatible they were.

But those words about letting someone go applied to Allie, too, right?  She died, he let her go, but she came back.  Were the wherefores and whatnots really important?  Maybe not, but the fact she was with Cerberus made him hesitate to want to pick back up where they left off.  Hell, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to even talk to her.  Even so, there was no denying he was still hopelessly in love with Allie.

[mdhwrites]

Concept Pitch: Spirited Witches

Thirty years ago, magic came into existence. Or more so, it became concentrated enough in our world to be tapped into. The aether around everyone got denser than it used to be and some found themselves more greatly attuned to it than others. Minor desires they had would happen, like lighting a cigarette without a lighter or something just out of reach coming to them.

The next twenty years were spent studying and understanding this phenomenon. In understanding that this magic was mostly not dangerous if one didn’t train it but that it had great potential and humans are not the sort to leave a resource fallow like that. So schools began to be built and the magic categorized. Elemental, Transformative, Illusory, etc. and it would take a while to have it be standardized.

Then ten years ago, one type of magic was outlawed outside of specifically government sanctioned experiments with it: Spirit Magic. The spirit realm that this magic commonly opened one up to was simply too dangerous and unpredictable and despite twenty years of time, very little had been learned about it anyways. Rumors said there was a final event that sealed the magic’s fate but it was never televised.

Jump another ten years and we have two girls preparing for a magical boarding school. One is an outgoing girl we’ll call Ellie who is constantly wanting to help people, studying, volunteering, etc. She is as sweet and kind a person as anyone knows, if not to the point of annoying some. The other, Sarah, is a mysterious, quiet girl with dyed hair and a penchant for mischief. When talked to, she rarely talks back, letting her expressions speak for her or quick little hand movements. It’s confirmed she CAN speak but she chooses not to.

And then there’s the boy. A free spirited sort of guy, he believes in freedom and self expression. That no one should be trapped or constrained and that people should be who they are, though he can’t force anyone to be something they’re not. He can just try to open up their mind and maybe help them be who they truly want to be. He also doesn’t really care about names because they’re only one part of someone’s identity so if the fact that his name is Leslie makes you remember him better, wonderful!

He also uses magic the other two have never seen before and teaches them bits of it as they grow closer. A spell to allow Ellie to talk to anyone in their preferred language and understand all languages, even if it strains your throat. Sarah the ability to see ALL that is hidden, even that which might hide from things like True Sight, so she can feel more at home in her surroundings. Empathy for Ellie to better connect and a spell to touch magic itself for Sarah to better feel like she isn’t about to lose control over things.

This has to do with the two girls’ baggage. Both have seen someone who’s recently died, or the moment of their death. For Ellie, it was walking into a room and finding a close friend who had ended their own life. She had thought she’d done right by them, known everything, talked enough to them but it hadn’t been, at least in Ellie’s mind. So her already good nature went into hyper drive, alongside a new level of paranoia where she’s uncertain if anyone’s smile to her is genuine or not. She is determined though, no matter what, to never fail a person again and to make up for this failure in the past.

Sarah on the other hand has never been a loud girl but she didn’t used to be so guarded. One night she convinced her parents to let her and a friend stay the night just the two of them. She was off in the kitchen making popcorn when a knock came on the door. Her friend answered it, uplifted by the good mood and them being tough girls who didn’t need to fear anything. Two gun shots were what Sarah heard when the timer for the popcorn went off and she hid when she realized she was so helpless. Ever since then, she’s never wanted to feel so helpless and, even more so, never wanted to let someone close let she convince them they can do something wild and adventurous and that gets them hurt again because that part of her has never died, as much as she somewhat wish it would.

And so for the first half or two thirds, the story bounces between the two girls as they start the school year, do things like run for office or get into trouble trying to better learn their magic, and keep meeting Leslie. As they both independently grow closer to him, he seems to grow more and more sick, blaming it on the worsening weather of Fall and then Winter. He’s sure with the new year, he’ll feel better. Maybe after the equinox, when the spirit and human realm are at their closest.

He does ask to be left alone for a while and just kind of vanishes leading up to it, though not after asking the Ellie blindfold herself during the Equinox as a way to respect any spirits that might be roaming the halls and don’t want to be seen. She promises but this means that when she’s taken down into the bellows of the school in a surprise trip for all Student Council presidents, she does so blindfolded.

Meanwhile, Sarah doesn’t like not getting an answer at Leslie’s door when the Equinox comes. She knows she shouldn’t worry about him so much, not when she shouldn’t mind him seeming to get distant, but teenage hormones are teenage hormones and he hasn’t technically done anything wrong. Not only that but the peppy girl Leslie also hangs out with, and Sarah can’t stand, is wearing a blindfold today that looks suspiciously like a scarf Leslie used to wear, just like how she now wears his gloves.

So with a combination of spells, she peaks into his room while her advanced form of true sight is going.

That night, in a lower level of the school, the presidents are brought to a memorial. The teacher says that the person who the memorial is for has no name as ten years ago, they used spirit magic to summon something that tore the boy apart and destroyed his name so thoroughly that no record exists. Worse yet, it tied the school with the beast and the spirit realm in general so every year on the Equinox, the teachers and the student council presidents have to shove it back down.

Sarah sees monsters there. Spirits and not even ones that were new to her. She’d caught glimpses over the course of the year of these things who would have only two of their facial features but they would be connected by black, oily ink scrawled upon the white canvas of their lanky, humanoid bodies. You’d end up with oval mouths that were actually both nose and mouth. You’d have eyes that bled into the mouth and moved in tandem with it. Mouths two thirds up the face that were actually the eyes and ears connected together and there were at least a half dozen within Leslie’s room.

The beast Ellie faced let out a horrible scream as it emerged. It howled in a way that hurt one’s very soul. That beseeched them to speak even as every instinct screamed at you not to. The presidents are told to ready their spells and even for Ellie to take off that stupid blindfold but she won’t break a promise. It’s not who she is. And who she is connects with people so after her an empathy spell to feel the beast is in pain, she casts the communication spell and whispers, “Hi. I’m Ellie. How can I help you?” just as she has a hundred times before.

The beasts in the room seem to somehow know they’re being perceived and stop to look towards the window while one holds what looks like an eye in their hand. Sarah takes away her far sight so she can see around her and sees that the entire wall of the dormitory is COVERED in the spirits. And they’re all looking at her before they come crashing down in almost a wave.

The creature screams for its son. Begs for where they are. That they can make a new name. That will help them, right? The teachers say it has never been so frantic but Ellie tries to stay calm. “Who is your son? I’ll find him.” To which it says that he’s right here but also not and... And that she has met him. Before vanishing back without having to be fought.

The creatures chase Sarah until she trips and falls in the woods around the academy. When she turns around, one of the creatures leaps at her, claws missing their mark but digging into the dirt beside her. Without options and unsure if her magic will even work on these, she punches it. All of them seem to stop at that before their body language reads of curiosity. And celebration?

Everyone is dismissed and told not to speak of it. The ground shakes as the bell tolls, saying the equinox is over. Ellie breathes a sigh of relief at everything turning out fine before realizing she can take off the scarf now. She thanks Leslie quietly, wondering if she’d been able to show the spirit the same sort of kindness if she had seen it for what it was. She then turns around so she can see the memorial too, having only been one step away from leaving entirely.

Sarah watches as they all start leaving once their curiosity is sated, running back the way they had come. She finally gets to relax and think about what she had seen with her magic. The eye, the monsters and something had been on the floor. It hadn’t quite looked like the creatures but not like a person though. She had... felt something though. The same sort of pull that she thought was her heart whenever she used her true sight around Leslie. And whatever that thing that made her feel like that was the one being given the eye in whatever ritual she’d interrupted.

And the statue, of course, is that of Leslie but instead of an emover that covers one eye or his hat doing it, he had two eyes and was immortalized in stone. And the next time either saw Leslie, he was beginning to feel his strength return and they got to see for the first time both of his eyes.

The two don’t immediately know how to confront this though. Both think they must be wrong in one way or another. So the two start spending more time together while trusting Leslie less. Not that either can just abandon him at this point, especially as the new year is kind to either of them personally either. In helping resolve their own issues, such as Ellie’s tendency to try and kill herself for others effectively and Sarah wanting to stop being afraid of letting anyone close, they finally first tell each other what they know before finally asking Leslie what is his deal?

Ten years ago, he sought to commune with a spirit and stop the stigma that was growing against them. He summoned the Mother of Names. Or... Of Identity as she likes to call it. She actually doesn’t like the names that bleed off of her. She feels they say too little about someone. They are a title with no purpose. As such, whenever someone has said their name around her, she sees it as them wanting to be rid of it and taking it. Ellie told her its name though and Leslie explains that that’s what the two talked about. How people use names and the identities they have alongside them. How she has hurt them which she never desired. She is a mother after all and the creatures Sarah has seen her children. They are facets of identity and they have a lot more personality than you’d expect.

The mistake and tragedy wasn’t the spirit’s... It was his. He lost his family at a VERY young age and never found community. He was rejected everywhere he went and was never able to put down roots. Everywhere he went, he left nothing behind. He didn’t want to do that to that which he wished to be his mother so he tried to use spirit magic to make a copy of his very being. The more comprehensive, the better.

HE tore himself apart. In trying to save him, the Mother of Names tried to save him. To put him back together and the best she could see for that was to add him to the brood. She didn’t know how else to though but to rip his name away. And thus he became Nameless. Or Less Enam as he first called himself but Less made people suspicious so he changed it to Leslie. It’s all still a play on the title instead of a name though.

Two years ago, the rest of the family found enough of him to put him back together enough to form a ghost. What he is now. They’ve found almost everything and what Sarah saw was them putting in one of his eyes because they’re still looking. They don’t think they’ll ever find the heart though. A heart is something different in the spirit realm after all. It contains too much of who you are and so is as much its own spirit as the person. Even he has to admit he must have a shade of it as he still has his goals and desires. Without it though, he’ll never be whole and never be able to pass on, be reincarnated, etc. etc. This form is also unstable and the closer the spirit realm is, the closer he comes to tearing apart anew and so he can’t even go see the Mother of Names like this.

And so the ending part is them trying to figure out how to maybe find his heart, even as he tells them not to. They quickly understand why: He’s been alive again for two years with a veritable army of spirits at his command. He has tried and maybe elsewhere could have the answer, but this place wont.

Not that a girl as focused on helping as Ellie, or an adventurous, wild child like Sarah will let that stop them. They know one thing he hasn’t tried after all and she already knows one of them. It’s time for momma to come out and help her kid and for the two girls who still haven’t confessed their feelings to Leslie to go meet their future mother in law.

And that’s when we get the last test. If the two are willing to open themselves up and be tied to Leslie, he can be revived with a new heart born of love and care. They aren’t even forced to love him forever but they will know when he dies. When his time runs out, they will feel it in their own hearts, as well as each other’s. Neither ever wanted to see another friend die, or even consider it, but that past trauma is also the reason why they can see Leslie while most can’t. Are they willing to know the pain will come again when instead they could just leave him in the state he’s in. He says he’s content like this after all. Ready to just accept this as his identity.

But they of course aren’t. So a ritual is performed and Leslie brought down and the moment when he would be torn apart, the two express their feelings, bear their hearts, and the Mother releases her own font of power, all of which is enough to force it to all come together around a new heart.

Now all together, the three hug, though the moment is a bit ruined by the Mother of Names whispering, “You know, I’ve never had grand-children. How quickly can humans start working on that?”

The end.

This was the first of two ideas I got that were inspired by Magical Diary: Wolf Hall and I explained all of this to a friend two days after finishing that game and the idea hasn’t really changed or grown since that chat with my friend because my brain works VERY fast. While I only went big for the big plot points that make up the big story beats, the majority of the book would be about the two girls’ self discovery of how they want to deal with their trauma and finding a balance versus the memory of their friends and moving forward. It’s one I think could be a lot of fun but also by structure versus other works of mine, I could easily see it being a 100k+ words work so it’s a little daunting to put it mildly.

So, at least for now, I wanted to just share it with you all instead. Honestly, I think I’d just like to do this more often in general because I like my ideas but I know I won’t get to all of them so why not share some of them? Anyways, thanks for listening to this long ramble and have a lovely day!

=========

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[undertalepinkhorsepro123]

The Forced Stars Designs

After creating the oneshot I knew I had to fully design these guys-

Oneshot they're from

Below is not only designs but also a bit of rambling-

Also this multiverse contains a lot of intense concepts so pls read the warnings in the oneshot before continuing, as some will be referenced/talked about below

Here the 3 be! They were a blast to draw honestly, though took a bit-

Here's a version of them with the deities' respective influence

FS!Dream or Dawn's deity is Memory. This deity is usually rather neutral, not having any sort of influence rather than what comes natural. But in certain multiverses, Fate's negative influence can cause a certain side of them to show itself, where memory becomes like chains, making you unable to escape from the past. And well, Dawn is the perfect person for them to clutch onto as their "chosen child". His memories of pain, suffering, hopelessness, and self hatred constantly trap him, controlling how he thinks, acts, his anxiety and fears, etc. So her influences comes in mainly chains, as well as stitches. Their chains are across his entire body, as although they don't control his actions, they do stop him from doing certain things, or straying too far from the path they choose for him. They also cover one half of his bandana, stitching him to keep him from showing negative emotions to anyone that doesn't know about the deities, and keeping his mouth shut about certain things. Fate, having a influence in the way Memory acts also has an influence on Dawn, keeping him from spilling things that Memory doesn't stop.

FS!Ink or Canvas' deity is obviously Fate. Unlike Memory, Fate's main influence is through strings, using Canvas' creativity for the multiverse, as well as to hurt others. He is simply a puppet for her to use for entertainment, keeping him fully quiet about everything she doesn't wish for him to tell. He is the most influenced/controlled by his deity, having no way to try and stop her, or not follow her to a T.

Finally FS!Blue or Switch, unlike the other's is the chosen child of two, Justice and Karma. Unlike the other two, the deities influence is filled with freedom, only strengthening him, and preventing Fate's influence from reaching him. Though some part of him still is controlled from speaking of certain things from Fate, he is able to fight it much more easier due to the two. Originally his only deity before he figured out the truth was Justice, but upon becoming attached to the two, and protective, he gained the interest of Karma. They are two sides of the same coin, one fair, while the other happens whenever it so wished, and it's severity all depending on both how they feel in the moment and the organism's luck. So they decided to each take Switch as their chosen, hoping that with them combined they could perhaps at least lightly weaken the other's influence.

Now here's the close ups from tallest to shortest!

Switch is the absolute tallest at 5'6

With Switch's design I wanted to keep true to the usual US!Sans design, his cyan boots, bandana, and battlebody. At first I wanted to draw him in armor, but eventually (After realizing I can't draw armor for shit-) I decided to go for the usual design, and just say he usually summons a protective shield around his body during battle. It also makes some sense, as Switch needs to be light with his fighting style. I decided to, unlike the other's put obvious references to the two deities that have chosen him in his tattoos. As, unlike the other two, not only do they truly treat him as their chosen child, but he also actually benefits from them. I gave him a yin and yang symbol on his sword holder, since he can much easier talk about the balances that hold the multiverse together.

Switch's personality is much different from the usual Swap Sans. He does not have the hope in everyone, doesn't care about everyone being helped, and would happily destroy the entire multiverse if it meant protecting his universe, brother, Canvas and Dawn. Absolutely ready to kill, maim, and scare anyone who dares to mess with those he cares about.

Dawn is the middle one at 4'6.

He is the most mentally affected by the multiverse, almost completely empty of all his positivity, which is of course a bit obvious with his completely empty eyelights. I of course had to keep his appearance mainly in warm colors, except for his boots. Like Ink, he dislikes wearing shoes, but after stepping on something really really sharp and nearly destroying his entire foot, he last second started wearing combat boots- He wears a bandana around his face, as he got too tired of faking his smile, and hiding the tiredness in his face. I wanted to try a new crown, and really enjoyed this one's design. He keeps most of his body covered, to both hide his weaknesses, and it helps him feel safer when his body is hidden from others.

His personality for everyone but Switch and Canvas (and lightly FS!Lust who is yet to be named) is completely fake, a bright hopeful cheery guardian oblivious to everything, who is the perfect monster to take and take and take from until he is completely used up. For the others, he's exhausted, drained, desperate for love and attention, and is constantly on the edge of shattering into a million pieces from the guilt, shame, pain, and horrors he has experienced everyday for the past many many centuries. He is only dangerous whenever those he cares about is messed with, but even then with Memory's influence, only certain times can he actually act on his impulses.

Canvas is the smallest at 3'11.

Although he has been at this much longer than Dawn, due to his soulless nature he is not as deeply affected. But, that doesn't mean much with how bad condition Dawn is. As is obvious I tried hard to keep to the main colors of original Ink's design (the revamped one of course-) His pants are the same color though a much different design, The mint green in his design is instead on his paintbrush and arm coverings, and the gold is mixed with the white as, unlike original Ink he is much more affected by white. Like all my Ink's, I had to add some part of him to be rainbow, of course being his scarf. I decided to make it shorter, so he had less chance of it getting pulled or caught on things while fighting. Why did I add another ink stain? ... I have no reason honestly I just wanted to-

Canvas' personality is a lot like Canon Ink's, except for the brash soulless attitude. His vials are much more effective in replicating emotions, though they obviously aren't to the point where it's exact. He does enjoy pranks, but doesn't ever do them anymore due to their "wonderful" circumstances. Loves the two of them to death, and without them he would've completely fallen apart. He once fought Fate's control, but after so long he realized it was useless. He takes much longer to crash from it all, but once he does, it is a horrid mess of screaming, laughing, crying, and of seeming insanity.

So yeah, they're all in good shape-

[giftedfangs]

Days upon days, she had been researching into the new magic she had learned while being trapped in that hellish torture dimension she was cast to what felt like so long ago now. Mostly recovered Missi had been taking her time to write down everything she had learned, her first mission was to complete the deal that the demon of Anger had offered her. Already having spoken to Dante and Artemis she would put her skills to the test.

If the angel was to bring her a personal hell she would bring forth an enemy not even God's army could slaughter, a being that fed off of her spite and their wrath. Hardly was it easy, spending countless nights and hidden moments kept from her partners as they busied themselves with other things now she felt ready.

So it began, one night the two stood opposing next to one another, nodding her head Des he would give a much more sinister, wide, grin ready to finally have at least some of his freedom back. He was far too giddy to get a semblance of his own life back remnants of the time had been trapped within such an item unseen and unheard for centuries and even before traded around like some object. Forced to play nice with those around him, a slave for their bidding, used, abused, unjust in his view but it was penance for the crimes he had committed before. Not that Des particularly cared for the reason of his imprisonment. All that truly mattered is he had been tortured much like how Missi had spoke of. Thrown into a darkness with nothing and no one, no sound, no sight, everything was Silent.

It is why he could understand the rage that burned within her, spite against the angel that had given her a glance of what he had been put through.

They stood there, awkwardly at first as Missi tried to flip through the book of magic and information she had learned, how she was able to escape the prison, how she could use that to free Him, under her own and his agreed conditions. She needed his magic, and she had to stay a vampire until she was truly ready to be fully turned which she hadn't planned on yet. Still, pushing those thoughts to the side she would find what she needed, pressing fingertips against the dried ink and holding the cane in her other hand.

Letting the book rest upon a lectern next to them she read everything over carefully. Painting the symbol with her own blood the sigil would lay below them standing within it's circle, collecting the other things she needed, plenty of flesh for him to mold how he desired and ready for his essence to embody. All that was left was the deal. Reaching out his hand he was ready. Missi would take a deep breath, steeling her nerves and would proceed. Grasping his hand tightly there was a moment of complete and utter silence until a loud cracking could be heard as the ribbon upon her cane would come lose and from it spines sprung from it's back curling around the front. Gemstones started to glow from under where the ribbon had once wrapped around.

Sprouting from the edges of the sigil came the Grief Demon's black flames burning with an intensity that would create a wave of heat bursting forth around them and flinging open the doors to her study, breaking any glass and any window with the intensity of it. Within the flames the flesh and other items that were needed would also be consumed and soon the Grief Demon himself would as well. A chorus of voices echoed from the room, eyes opening in the darkened fire surrounding them all crying out in pain, suffering, parts of the souls he had once consumed. No doubt these parts of those victims were distraught with his freedom.'No doubt these parts of those victims were distraught with his freedom.

But Missi couldn't focus on that, the voices hardly even registered in her mind as she felt the power flow through her. The parts of her soul that she had once given her thrust back into her body, connecting the parts like puzzle pieces. Euphoric was a term she could use to describe how it felt to regain the parts of her she had been missing, yet she was still not whole something Missi expected.

Near blinded as both of her eyes would suddenly be consumed by the crimson light that radiated from her cane and the gems the other demon wore. Part of her worried, panic struck her as she felt herself slipping power and energy draining from her body even as she would feel the magic course through her it burned. Everything burned around her, inside and out and Missi could hardly keep herself quiet. Screaming in pain, clenching the demon's hand tighter Missi was determine to stay standing she would complete it no matter how much it hurt.

It only lasted a minute, perhaps two, but it was one of the most agonizing things she had felt since the torture that Adam had put her through. But it was worth it. Right? The flame would slowly burn out, leaving the room entirely scorched but still in one piece, mostly. Where once the sigil had been now it had been burned within the stone intending the flooring having eroded away the worked rock enough to leave a noticeable shift. Despite that her book was still in tact, but decently burned which certainly didn't leave her too pleased or wouldn't considering she couldn't stand. Not after that. Sapping away all of the energy she had left the deal was complete and Missi all but fainted in front of the now flesh and bone Des.

A courtesy, after she had proved herself so much he would catch her as unconsciousness would drag her to sleep. Looking down to the cane he was surprised to see how much it had changed. No longer did it reside two glowing eyes, but turned purple with familiar stones he could only chuckle at. Bringing back old memories, yet still it was devoid of any coloring that belonged to him outside of the stones. Even the two ribs that now held it's vampiric totem in place hardly was something that was his doing. . . how curious indeed.

But for the moment, he could pick up the cane as well before walking towards her bedroom. Placing her within the coffin with the cane he would enjoy his first night of freedom. Anger was back within the world and even now an even more sinister aura radiated from him now unbound by the cage of his cane.

A new era would start, and humanity would learn to finally confront the Grief they had locked away all those centuries ago.

[pendragonsclotpole]

adding onto this that i feel there’s also a level of resentment toward each other based on the position the other holds

rhaenyra is a princess. she should not be selfish or undutiful, she should not mother bastards. she should be the example of the “right kind of women” by virtue of her position. rhaenyra, in alicent’s mind, should suffer “the sadness of her existence as a women, a mother, a daughter” but rhaenyra does not because her father, the king, affords her a level of freedom, agency, and sheer indulgence that alicent would never dream of receiving from her own father.

where alicent witnessed her own father offer her up to the king without an ounce of remorse, she sees viserys give rhaenyra choice because of the remorse he felt over aemma’s death. and instead of being grateful or at least acknowledging it, rhaenyra deliberately chooses to flout it: this freedom that she is given from the king.

alicent can not understand that what she sees as freedom “given” is not truly freedom, but a little expansion to the space carved out for a caged bird. rhaenyra sees the cage and the pressure of the extra duties and expectations forced upon her and she rejects them. she envies alicent to an extent because she exists as a lady outside of the royal family, free of the duty and expectations. i think part of why rhaenyra is so hurt by alicent marrying her father is also because she cannot understand why anyone would want to marry the king, least of all her friend.

rhaenyra has already seen the example of a woman who fully lived with and accepted the reality that she cannot: aemma. for all that viserys loved her, aemma seemed to understand and worse (in the eyes of rhaenyra) accept her fate in this world as a broodmare. aemma is not a born member of the royal family. she is a cousin without the name who married in. she married young. she had little direct family left. she lost countless babies. she rode no dragons. for all that she is queen, a targaryen, aemma is still a woman and in the eyes of the realm, only or just a woman.

and worse she has additional expectations on her because of that status. aemma even points out in the first episode that she and rhaenyra have royal wombs, and that their battlefield is the birthing bed. i think rhaenyra saw in her mother a woman who was right by their society’s standard, who did everything right, had the love of her husband, and yet she could not do the one thing that would have earned her true respect: birth a son. through no fault of her own, aemma never had a son live into adulthood. all she gave the realm was rhaenyra. and rhaenyra was never enough. not for viserys, not for otto unless she was seen as the better option, and not for the realm. it seems like the only people rhaenyra was ever enough for were alicent and aemma. and when aemma died and alicent married viserys, it was a complete loss of all the people she was enough for.

sometimes i think all of rhaenyra’s actions were her attempt to push viserys into finally declaring her to not be enough for him. viserys naming rhaenyra as his heir, occurred only after her mother’s death. it was never about rhaenyra’s readiness and suitability or viserys’ belief in her. it was about viserys’ grief or viserys’ distrust in aemma. and even if rhaenyra ever believed it could be about her, that was ruined when her best friend married her father. it was a double betrayal. she was not enough for alicent or viserys. and eventually viserys would see that and strip the title of heir from her. when would it be? with her bastards? with her marriage to daemon?

i think another heartbreaking thing about this show is that neither rhaenyra or alicent received the generational guidance they would need to survive the reality of the world around them. both of their mother’s were dead. they were surrounded by grown men.

the tragedy of rhaenyra and alicent is that they cannot ever truly see the other without destroying the foundations of their own self-image. rhaenyra cannot see alicent as a child married to a man old enough to be her father because that’s rhaenyra’s father. and the image she has of both viserys as a just and kind man and of herself as the beloved daughter of that man would collapse under the weight of that realisation. the resentment she holds against alicent would have to turn upon viserys. if she recognised that viserys treats alicent little better than a broodmare, she would have to realise that fundamentally that is all her mother was to him too. if she understood why alicent was disgusted by her marrying daemon she would have to see herself not as someone with agency marrying a man she loved who happened to be her uncle but as someone manipulated and groomed since childhood. the agency she clings to, which is so important to how she sees herself, would be revealed as an illusion. by extension she would have to see her family as one in which the familial is warped almost beyond repair. her self-image, so rooted in targaryen exceptionalism, would collapse.

likewise alicent cannot fully grasp why rhaenyra was so upset that she married viserys because she would have to fully see viserys not as the king but her friend’s father. she would have to face the horror of her life head on. moreover she would have to see viserys in her own father. for her to accept that rhaenyra is not selfish or undutiful for having affairs and trying to carve out whatever agency she can, the pedestal on which alicent places duty would have to be destroyed. she would have to realise that duty is only as important as she believes it to be, that it has no meaningful moral weight to it, and that all of her suffering has been for nothing. alicent tells herself that her sadness is a condition of her existence, as a woman, a mother, a daughter, and that by trying to claw whatever happiness she can from the world rhaenyra has turned her back on all of those things; she is the wrong kind of woman. if she could ever accept that rhaenyra had slept around and birthed bastards without judgement the core of alicent’s identity as a good mother/wife/queen would collapse. she would have to face the reality that nothing that happened to her was justified, and crucially that her submissiveness at every turn was not noble or good and was never going to let her win, but only trapped her further. every cognitive barrier she has built up to protect herself and provide some sort of meaning to a life in which she has only ever really suffered would have to shatter.

and they both realise these things to some extent, rhaenyra knows that viserys is flawed and fallible because she’s experienced his mistakes firsthand (and she is definitely aware of daemon’s violence) and in many ways alicent is so viciously judgemental of rhaenyra’s choices because she wants that level of freedom so desperately for herself, and they so clearly love each other still that they both want to believe there’s something good in the other. but they bury those doubts under layers and layers of cognitive dissonance so they don’t have to face deeply painful realities, because neither of them can truly see the other without destroying themselves.