#was INTENSE when i joined. and there i was a little state school girlie and the chefs immediately recognised that

[hella1975]

the closest ill ever get to being a pick me girl is the joy that fills me when the chefs at work so clearly favouritise me. like im there nicely cleaned up in my smart-casual uniform just a 20 year old waitress smiling my customer service smile and behind me spawns Scary Dog Privilege 10x in the form of several burly middle-aged chefs at least three of which have criminal records and would all stick a bread knife in someone for bothering me

[mrsbrookegillespie]

+Homework+ Luke x Fem!Reader

(Not My Gif)

Description:When Y/N’s progress report comes out it seems as though their mom isn’t happy with the letters that follow each subject. So when they have to cancel on her friends band rehearsal to do their assignments it leads to an interesting encounter with the brunette guitarist of Julie and the Phantoms.

Warning: Stress, school, bad grades, mild angst, mostly fluff. 

+Homework+

Luke is not someone to judge another for having bad grades, considering what his report cards looked like, and the fact he dropped out of high school at seventeen. But, Y/N has two more years left in school, despite her age, and frankly… She’s struggling. “What’s this?” her mother asks, showing her an email.

“Those are… My grades?” Y/N shrugs, avoiding the small letters that labeled her as dumb, and lazy.

“Y/N! You need to start getting serious about this. You’re going to flunk out!” Y/N internally winces at her mother shouting at her. “I’m very disappointed about this…”

“Well,” Y/N starts. “I’ll do it!” She bites her lip, sliding away from her desk. “Tomorrow,” she adds, looking at the time. “I promised Julie I’d watch band practice today.” Her mom gives her a blank stare.

“Y/N! We’ve been very laid back with you, you’ve never been grounded or anything, but right now I want you to stay at home, and get your missing work done.” 

“But--”

“No!” 

Her mom closes the door on the way out, leaving Y/N feeling the stress of school. She grabs her phone, clicking Julie’s contact. “Hey! Are you almost here?” Julie asks.

“I can’t make it…” Y/N breathes out.

“What?!” Julie exclaims. “But, you promised to be here today, we’re performing tomorrow, you know?” The disappointment radiates through the phone.

“I know! And I will be there for that, because that’s really important, but I just can’t make it today.” Y/N is too embarrassed to say the reason why. Julie has amazing grades, and is insanely talented, and she might be a little jealous of that, mostly because she gets to spend extra time with Luke who Y/N has heart eyes for. But, his eyes are for someone else. Julie.

“No, she’s not coming,” she answers the muffled voice in the background. “I don’t know!” she groans. “The boys wanted me to ask you if you’re okay, which are you?” 

“Yes! I’m fine, just go rehearse, even though you guys don’t really need it, I know you’ll rock tomorrow--” Y/N gets cut off by her door swinging open.

“Y/N! Homework! Now!” her mom orders.

“I’m just telling Julie I can’t make it,” Y/N argues. “I gotta go.” 

“Oh, okay, well, we all miss you over here,” she affirms.

“Yeah, I miss you all too, but we did see each other today, so… I miss the boys.” 

Julie laughs. “I’ll tell them that, especially you know who.” Y/N can sense Julie’s smirk when she speaks. 

Y/N chokes on a bit of her saliva. “Julie! I-I have to go.” She hangs up. “Why me?” she asks whatever higher power could possibly be listening to the teenage girl. 

She plops down on her desk chair.

“What to start with?” Her eyes scan her To-Do List she’s already made, it’s not as much as she thought, but it’s definitely time consuming and very boring. Some of her teachers have already reached out to her, but she chooses to ignore their offers of help. She’s scared she’ll say something they’ll find stupid, or won’t understand. 

And so she has to skip her favorite part of the day, to do Algebra, and History and Biology, and…

“So, why couldn’t she come today?” Luke asks, tuning his guitar on the couch.

“Eh, I didn’t ask her,” Julie admits. 

“Why not?” Luke gives her a pointed look, his movements faltering.

“She would’ve told me if it was that important,” she claims. She looks off, before seeing him go back to his previous state. “Luke, you've been tuning that guitar for half an hour, I think it’s good.” 

He rolls his eyes. 

“So, Y/N really can’t come today?” Reggie asks, saddened over the news. “But, she never misses a rehearsal unless it’s family, or school related.” 

Luke finally stops, setting down his guitar. “Wait,” he starts. “Didn’t progress reports come out today?” 

Everyone looks at him weirdly. “How do you know that?” Alex questions, spinning his drumstick.

“Oh--uh.” He scratches the back of his head. “When I visited Julie at school the other day, I heard something about it.” 

Julie turns his head towards him. “Are you talking about when Y/N said something about it to Flynn? A couple feet away from us? Yeah I heard her too, because I was facing her.” She crosses her arms. “I think someone has a crush,” she teases, smiling widely.

“What?!” A subtle blush paints over his cheeks. “I don’t like Y/N like that, she’s--she’s just a good friend.”

“Oh come on!” Alex joins. “It’s so obvious, don’t think I don’t notice when you stare at her.” He sends a wink to Luke.

“Or when you talk about her,” Reggie adds. “Which is all the time.” 

“Just tell her,” Julie advises. 

“Tell her?” Luke repeats, giving her a look of disbelief. “I don’t think you’ve guys noticed, but I’m dead, and she’s very much alive.” 

“So?! Everyone knows you two are completely in love with each other, so give it a shot,” Julie urges, also knowing her friend's infatuation with the guitarist.

Luke chuckles. “She doesn’t like me, she rarely talks to me, to be honest I think she hates me.” 

“You rarely talk to her,” Julie points out. “And ‘to be honest’ I think she thinks you hate her.” Luke’s posture caves hearing Julie’s words. “Are we going to get started now?” 

Everyone nods. 

Throughout practice Luke found his mind wandering back to the previous conversations the band had. A warm feeling would build in his stomach for a movement when he would think about the fact that Y/N likes him, or at least his friends think so. “Luke!” Alex shouts, snapping Luke out of his thoughts. “Practice is over,” he informs.

"It is?!” His eyes widened when an idea popped into his mind. “Well, won’t you look at that, it is over, and I completely forgot I made plans, bye!” Luke poofs out, landing in a girly room, but has a certain vibe to it.

“Luke!” Y/N shrieks, putting a hand over her heart. “What are you doing here?” she whisper-yells.

“T-the--” he snaps his fingers. “The guys wanted someone to check in on you, and Alex is hanging out with Willie, and Reggie is Reggie so… I volunteered.” He sways back and forth against his ankles. “Sooo… How are you doing?” He strolls up to her smoothly, placing an arm on the back of her chair.

“Luke… You are a terrible liar,” she asserts. “But, if you really want to know. I’m not doing too well.”

He frowns. “Why?”

“School,” she sighs. “We got our progress reports, and I’m not doing too well.” She tries to hide the paper from Luke.

“Y/N, don’t be embarrassed, I’m sure it’s not that bad.” He plucks the paper from under her arm. His reassuring smile slowly faded. “There’s… Room for improvement?” He shrugs.

“Get out,” Y/N mutters. 

Luke’s heart plummeted. “What?” 

“I said get out,” she repeats, harshly. “I get it, I’m dumb, and I’m lazy, and I don’t do my work. I get it. So, just leave.” Tears threatened to fall from her eyes. “I’m serious Luke.” Her voice cracks a little.

Guilt washed over him when he saw the effect his words take on her. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. He reaches out to hug her, but he instead goes straight through her.

Y/N doesn’t notice his attempt of this action, instead boring her eyes at the paper in front of her. “Luke, I said just go.” She rubs her forehead.

He didn’t move though, he instead started looking over the paper she hadn't touched. “Twenty-three,” he answers.

“What?” she chokes out.

“The answer, it’s twenty-three.” He looks at her, a little self-conscious. “Look, just because I didn’t have the best grades, or didn’t do work, didn’t mean I was dumb, so stop telling yourself that. We’re not so different you know.” 

She scrunches her face. “How’d you get that?” she asks. “The answer to the question.”

His eyes light up when she accepts his explanation, not asking him to leave again. “So… I just did…” 

He talks through the problem, asking Y/N if she understands when her eyes widen. He noticed she does that when she’s getting confused, or is not fully processing the words. As they go through each subject, him helping her, or giving his opinion on things. She started to find herself smiling, and having fun? “Wow,” he whispers, reading a poem. “You just wrote this?” 

She nods. “Yeah, I know, it’s not that great.” 

“No! It’s really good for something you wrote in five minutes,” he compliments, rereading the poem in his head. “Who knew you were such a romantic?” he teases.

Y/N feels her cheeks warm up. “That’s actually the first time I’ve heard that.”

“So, who’d you write it about?” he asks. He partially dreaded asking the questions. He didn’t want to picture her ever describing someone that wasn’t him in such a beautiful context. “C’mon, you can tell me, what am I going to do? Tell my ghost friends.” 

Y/N giggles. “I--uh… Someone?” It comes out more as a question.

“Name?” 

“Why you want to know so bad, huh?” she blurts, with a smirk. “Why? You jealous?” She knew he wasn’t, but the thought made her whole body catch on fire.

Luke, surprised by her sudden cockiness, sends her a smirk right back. “Well, what if I am?” 

She scoffs. “Yeah, right,” she murmurs.

He tilts his head. “What is that supposed to mean?”

She gives him a ‘really’ look. “Luke, c’mon…” She waits for him to say something like ‘you’re right, I’m joking’, or anything along those lines, but he just stares back with the same intensity she has.

“What do you want me to say?”

The question lingers in Y/N’s mind. I want you to say you like me. That’s what she wanted to tell him, that’s what she wanted to hear. “Nothing,” she mumbles. “Absolutely nothing.” 

He cracks a smile. “Just tell me!” After that he keeps repeating it over and over again.

“I want you to say you like me!” she shouts. 

His eyes widened, but he didn’t seem uncomfortable, he seemed in awe of the situation. “Why are you shouting?” Y/N’s mom asks, rushing in.

“Because I’ve gotten ten assignments turned in!” Y/N cheers trying to ignore Luke giving her a big smile, seriously, it’s scary how wide it is. 

“I like you too,” he whispers, her heart dropping. It’s like he couldn’t contain his little secret for any longer, but now it leaves Y/N impatient as her mom stares down at her on the bed. 

“That’s good! she assures. “Though it would’ve been better if you turned them in on time, but at least they’re in.” Y/N nods at her mom's backhanded compliment. “Anyways, dinners ready.” 

“Ah, yes.” Y/N shuts her laptop. “I forgot humans have to eat.” 

“Can I stay?” Luke asks.

“In my room,” she answers.

“You’re going to eat in your room?” her mom asks.

“Can you?” Luke perks up, hearing it. “Just say you want to finish your work, because you’re already in the groove, or something!” His eyes are pleading Y/N to stay with him, leaving her almost speechless.

“Y-yeah,” she stutters. “There’s a few more things I want to do before I call it a night, and I’m kind of in… ‘The Groove’,” she discreetly ridicules the boy next to her that’s invisible to her mom's eyes.

“Okay, just come down when you’re ready.” 

Y/N sighs of relief when she hears the door shut quietly. “So, you like me?” She was slightly breathless from the beautiful boy so close to her.

“Yeah,” he responds. His eyes didn’t meet hers though.

“You don’t seem sure,” she judges. 

His gaze locks with her. “I’m just nervous,” he reveals. “You make me really nervous. I thought you hated me just an hour ago, and now…”

She gapes at him. “I thought you hated me!” 

“That’s what Julie said,” he adds, pointing towards her.

Y/N jolts her body away from him. “You spoke about me with Julie?” As if she summoned her, Julie’s contact lights up her phone. “Hello,” she answers.

“Is Luke over there?” she asks. “Sorry! Hi, it’s just the boys were worried.” Y/N sneaks a glimpse towards Luke who can’t seem to take his eyes off of her, it’s like he’s trying to memorize every single part of her body. 

“He’s not, but I had a question for you.” Luke looks at Y/N confused as to why she lied. “Did you guys talk about anything earlier? He was acting weird, and you know with you being good friends with him, and us being the best of friends, I wanted to know.” 

“Oh my God!” she exclaims. “He was out of it the entire rehearsal after we told him you weren’t going to be there, and he was all worried, and concerned, it was adorable. Dude is so in love with you it’s insane. I mean even Reggie and Alex were talking about how he talks about you, and how he stares at you, and how he’s so invested in you. I’d say he’s obsessed.” 

Y/N lets out a victorious hum. “Good to know, well, I’ll let you know if I see him--oh wait, he’s right next to me, thanks for the info.” Y/N hangs up.

“She told you about rehearsal didn’t she?” He plays with the rings on his fingers, a nervous habit he picked up.

“Yep.” Y/N pops the ‘p’. “She said you’re obsessed with me.”

���Not true!” he argues. “Sort of…” He pouts. “Not in a creepy way though!” He tries to grab her hand, but it goes straight through. “This will be interesting.” 

“Yeah,” Y/N agrees. “But, we’ll get through it…” 

Luke then learned one thing about himself that night. He was touched-starved.

[fific7]

Even His Name - Part 1

Sirius Black x OC

Summary: Friends forever? Maybe. Maybe not.

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol, slight consent issues, 18+ please due to NSFW content including unprotected* sex. The age of consent in the UK is 16, sorry if that’s not in line with the laws in your own country/state.

*Irl, please don’t go wild in the country without protection.

A/N: Looking at this photo, I can kinda see why Ben Barnes got fancast as Sirius Black. This story is non-canon and takes place in my imaginary HP AU with OC, Celeste (meaning celestial or heavenly).

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Sirius Black. Even his name was beautiful.

She watched his tall, lean figure approaching as she sat & relaxed against one of the shady trees beside the lake.

She drank in every last detail before he got too close, before her out-and-out staring was noticeable to him.

The lazily slouching but graceful walk, his long legs eating up the distance between them.

The pale, porcelain-like skin, the aristocratic cheekbones, the trendy light scruff of moustache with matching scruff along his jawline, the full sensuous lips, the famed long black wavy hair. And of course, those hypnotic grey eyes, ringed by long dark lashes. Those eyes could change like mercury, from silver to dark pewter within a heartbeat.

As he got got closer, her eyes almost totally closed, but she wasn’t dozing off, it was a ruse to disguise her intense staring. Her eyes continued to eat him up like he was a very large chocolate eclair.

It was Saturday, so no school uniform. Trademark bad-boy attire, then. Her heart sped up at the sight of the scuffed leather biker jacket, the Led Zeppelin t-shirt, distressed jeans & leather work boots. Not properly laced up... of course.

All in black, a living embodiment of his name.

She heaved a long sigh, letting it escape without thought, and her eyes closed fully.

She was aware of a shadow blocking the sunlight falling on her closed eyelids. The sound of somebody settling themselves down next to her, still partly casting a shadow onto her.

Her eyes opened a sliver, and her head rolled to the side towards him of its own accord.

“What’s the big sigh for, Celeste?” in his deep, slightly hoarse, breathy voice. The voice which sent a thousand female hearts beating like drums.

“Sirius.” She sighed again, her eyes opening slowly. “You’re blocking my sun.”

He grinned, chuckling. He gestured to his body with one hand, “This ... masterpiece... of a man joins you for a pleasant interlude by the lake, and all you can say is that I’m blocking your rays?!”

“Yeah.”

He chuckled again. “Ah c’mon, you know you love me.”

She rolled her head back to its original position. “Keep telling yourself that.”

“And maybe it’ll come true?” he smirked.

“When hell freezes over.”

He leant over, placing his head on her shoulder as he did so, puppy dog eyes in play, complete with pouted bottom lip.

“Now, you know that isn’t true. You’re desperate to get me into the sack.”

“But, Sirius,” she said innocently, “there wouldn’t be enough room in the bed for me, what with you and your massive ego already in it.”

His head shot back, his unmistakable & glorious barking laugh issuing forth & attracting the attention of every female within earshot.

“You’re hysterical,” he continued laughing, more quietly. “No, I’m Celeste,” she smirked, throwing her version of his favourite line back at him.

He groaned, “You’d use my own comeback against me? Really?”

“Every time,” she nodded.

He was grinning back at her, when she was suddenly aware of another shadow falling across her. She frowned involuntarily, looking up to see who it was. A tall Ravenclaw girl stood there, confidently smirking down at Sirius. She didn’t spare his current companion even a glance.

“Hi,” she smiled brightly at him. “Thought you’d maybe like to take a walk with me, Siri?” giving him a suggestive sideways look, all the while twirling a strand of her long brown hair round a finger.

Celeste rolled her eyes, smirking & tutting loudly. She muttered, “Pathetic,” under her breath & began to gather her books, getting ready to ‘exit stage left’.

Sirius looked over at her, smiling and laying his hand on her arm, stilling her movement.

He looked up at the other girl. “Sorry, love,” he said with a grin, “spending some one-on-one time with my best girl here.”

She still didn’t look at his ‘best girl’. “Well, why don’t I just join you here while you do that, and then we can go for a walk by ourselves afterwards?”

Sirius looked down, and Celeste knew what was coming next. He’d given her his polite brush-off, now here came the not-so-polite one.

“Didn’t you hear what I just said? I’m here with Celeste,” he said, voice harsh, glaring back up at her.

She stopped twirling that lock of hair, recoiling from his glare & tone. “Well, you know, I just thought...”

“You just thought wrong then, didn’t you! Now, run along dear, off you go.” Voice cold, eyes narrowed.

She turned on her heel and scuttled back to her little band of giggling friends. Something told Celeste that her friends wouldn’t be all that sympathetic. If there was one thing almost guaranteed to break up friendship groups, it was who did, or didn’t have, Sirius’ attention.

Celeste laughed, “Lordy, I don’t know how you put up with all that fangirling.... ‘Siri’.” she imitated the girl in a high-pitched tone. “They make me ashamed to be a woman. Don’t they have any self-respect?!”

Sirius laughed, “But Cel, they’re just rightfully worshipping ... this!” Again, one hand gesturing up & down the length of his body.

“What.. a skinny boy?” she questioned, looking him up & down, “Really? What’s the attraction then?” she laughed.

He’d sat up straight as she’d been speaking, faux offended. “Celeste! How could you? Firstly, I am a man, not a boy.”

“Sirius, you’re sixteen. You.. are.. a.. boy!”

“Nah, nah, nah! I.. am.. a.. man!” dramatically emulating her slow delivery before continuing, “And I’m nearly seventeen. Secondly, I am not skinny. I’m tall and athletic.”

“Skinny.”

“Athletic!”

She laughed. “You don’t even play Quidditch any more. So where do you get this ‘athleticism’ from? Running away from Filch and the prefects after a prank?!”

“Thank you for answering your own question!” he said, laughing back at her.

He again leant towards her, eyes boring into hers, changing to dark & stormy mode, lips so close that she felt the little huffs of his breath on her own lips as he spoke.

“Don’t fight it, Cel. Just give in and admit you want me! We’ll head to my dorm right now and spend the entire night together, having hot, sensual, sheet-tangling sex!”

She burst out laughing, turning away momentarily, eager to break the close proximity to him. “The gods love a trier, Sirius. Pity I don’t.” She looked back at him, “And no doubt one of your fangirls is already curled up under your quilt, just waiting on the god that is Sirius Black to arrive and rock her world!!”

“My bed is exclusively reserved for you.”

“OK... curled up in her bed then, waiting on Mr I Never Stay The Night to arrive.”

“You pierce my heart!”

“Sirius, you may be one of my closest friends, but I can honestly say that you, within just the last few weeks, have become a total man-whore. And a barely legal one at that.”

“Celeste!! Just bloody well admit you want me.”

“Can’t that huge ego of yours handle the fact that there’s at least one girl in this school who doesn’t drop her panties the second you look at her?!” her laughter pealed out over the surrounding area, catching the attention of and sparking the venomous jealousy of the Sirius Fangirls’ Club.

He also burst out laughing, inciting the Fangirls even more.

“Ah.... Cel, my ego is perpetually the size of a peanut whenever you’re around.” Innocence personified, wide grey eyes gazed at her. “It never gets the chance to grow any bigger.”

Then the trademark smirk appeared. “Unlike a certain other part of my anatomy.” One eyebrow quirked up at her, long fingers slinking down onto his jeans zip. She couldn’t stop her eyes following them. His lips slid upwards into a pleased grin.

“Urggghhh!” she groaned, closing her eyes briefly before starting to pack up her stuff. “On that note, I’m off!”

“Awww, don’t go! This was just about to get interesting. You almost agreed to give me a quick blowjob!”

She stood up, brushing grass off her denim cutoffs and slipping on her low wedge sandals. Sirius raked his eyes up and down her figure as she did so.

She leant back down to him, knowing full well that he was getting an eyeful down her tastefully low-cut frilly top. She had on a translucent lacy bra, and she heard his breath catch as soon as he spotted it.

Putting her lips right next to his ear, she said, “Firstly, I don’t give blowjobs to sixteen-year-old skinny boys.” She huffed out a breath onto his earlobe, “And secondly, even if I did, it would.. not.. just be a quickie, darling.”

She pulled back and stood up straight, looking down at Sirius. A deep pink blush was spreading up from his neck over the entirety of his handsome face, his mouth hung slightly open and his eyes were wide, a glazed look in them.

She grinned, starting to walk away, “Have fun with the fangirls, Sirius!”

He was still staring after her when the first wave of girlies washed over him, clamouring for his attention in various tried, tested and (to him, at that moment) very tedious ways.

They were all to be disappointed. Sirius swatted them off like they were so many irritating mosquitoes, stretching out & lying on his back with his hands crossed under his head, staring up into the blue of the early autumn sky, deep in thought.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

She leisurely strolled back to the castle, sniggering to herself at how easy it had been to wind Sirius up into a tight spring.

Her smirk dropped somewhat though, when she contemplated the bigger picture. What a shitshow.

She was slap-bang in the middle of the biggest cliché the fates had ever created. Best friend really fancies best friend, but won’t admit it in case it either doesn’t work out and/or ruins the friendship. Yeah... that old chestnut.

Sighing, she made her way to the Gryffindor common room, spotting Lily and Mary on their favourite corner sofa. She plopped herself down next to them, instantly becoming enmeshed in the girlie gossip which was currently in progress.

However her mind drifted to the beginning of that school year, their sixth, when she and Sirius had met up again after the summer holidays on the Hogwarts Express. She’d been frankly amazed at the change in him after such a short time.

From awkward, gawky schoolboy to man-god in the space of a couple of months.

She learned from him that he’d run away from Grimmauld Place at the beginning of the holidays and was now living at the Potters’. She was very glad to hear that, knowing what he’d gone through at the hands of his parents. He certainly seemed to be thriving there, having apparently sprouted quite a bit over the summer.

Everything about him suddenly seemed long & slim. Long legs and arms, with big hands and big feet to match. Long slim fingers. Long slim feet & toes which she stared at, fascinated, every time she caught a glimpse of them.

She’d instantly known that their friendship would change in future. She’d never thought of Sirius as anything except a little schoolboy buddy, but over the summer he’d emerged from his post-pubescent chrysalis as a hot, sexy teenager with shoulder-length hair, designer stubble and attitude with a capital A.

He’d always attracted a fair bit of female attention over the years. He’d never really acted on it though, too caught up in Marauders mischief to care.

But holy hell...now? All the girlies were going to go batshit crazy over him.

He’d also - right there on the train no less! - boxed her into a corner and immediately started flirting up a storm, which had mildly terrified her. This was the guy who, only two months before, had been a kind of surrogate brother figure in her life for the previous 5 years.

Now he was making sexual innuendoes and inviting her into his bed every five minutes. She just couldn’t figure out his agenda.

As predicted, at the start of term, the Hogwarts female population - irrespective of year - quickly lined up behind Sirius and adoringly dogged his every footstep. As did a fair proportion of the male population, it has to be said.

Sirius quickly accepted his new-found godlike status & revelled in it. Flirting his way around school and through classes and meals. Getting caught in broom closets, empty classrooms and corridors, snogging for Britain.

It was only 4 weeks into the new term and she already found it all mildly disgusting. Hence she’d decided to knock the flirtatious idiot back down a peg or two every chance she got.

However, his flirting behaviour with her hadn’t dialled back at all, if anything it had increased, and this is what she was pondering on.

Her name was suddenly yelled right into her face. Lily was staring at her as if she was an alien.

“Uh, sorry - what?”

“We’ve been waiting on you to answer Mary’s question, for like, 15 minutes.”

“Oh shut up! I just zoned out for a minute or two.”

Mary sniggered, “And no prizes for guessing who the subject matter of said zoning out was!!”

She sighed. “OK, OK, alright - yes - it was Sirius.”

Scoffing noises from her friends.

“Look - I just can’t get my head round the way he’s still behaving towards me. Flirting & shit.”

She shook her head, and continued, “This was my annoying little ‘school brother’ 3 months ago! So he’s either had a brain meltdown and actually fancies me, or else he’s practicing all that crap on me to then use on his fan girls! And let’s be honest, one reason’s as bad as the other!”

They both exchanged significant looks, grinning at each other.

She huffed, “What’s wrong now?! I’ve just told you what’s on my mind!”

“Can you, hand on heart, swear you don’t fancy the pants off Sirius?” asked Lily.

“Look, I can see why girls find him attractive, yeah. But you’re forgetting that for five years, he was...”

“Yeah, yeah,” interrupted Mary, rolling her eyes, “..your surrogate little brother.”

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

@omgrachwrites

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

[angel-tries-to-write]

Rules are meant to be broken

Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan Rating: General Pairing: Levi Ackerman & Hanji Zoë Word count: 3163 Genre: fluff, humor

When Hanji is forced to conform to gender roles, their friends stand up for them and it’s wholesome.

Non-binary afab Hanji, one (1) swear word.

This day seemed to be a regular and boring one. First year students were going to their club meeting and they didn't expect anything interesting to happen. But when they entered the Survey Club room, they saw a very strange view. Hanji, being their dramatic self, had upper part of their body completely sprawled on table, with Moblit, Miche and Nanaba sitting next to them, clearly trying to cheer them up. But the weird part was that by their opposite side was Levi with his hand caressing Hanji's back. Mr. Erwin Smith was observing them, visibly upset, thinking about something intensively.

“What happened?” Jean asked, as he was the first to snap out of the shock that this very uncommon incident induced.

“As you may know, we have this holiday event and a very important inspection tomorrow. Everyone has to be dressed in very formal clothes” Petra explained, she was very concerned and sad.

“We know, but is that a tragedy?”

“I can't wear a suit” Hanji said with a slightly muffled voice.

“So?”

“I'll have to wear a fucking dress, and you even dare to ask?!” they snapped, looking at Jean angrily. Not that they saw much with their glasses pushed up their head, but they didn't even want to see him.

“Hanji, there's no need to use such language” Mr. Smith reproached them.

“Excuse me, Hanji-senpai, but what's wrong with that?” Eren asked, not really understanding the problem.

“Oh, nothing. If you like dresses” the older student was really upset about this situation.

“I don't think I follow...” Sasha spoke, actually trying to understand that.

“Me too” Connie nodded, agreeing with her.

“Tch, isn't it obvious, you stupid brats?” Levi looked at them with a cold stare. “Dresses are formal clothes assigned to girls, while suits are for boys. But this idiot school rules don't allow any other option” he said. It was obvious that he was furious about it, even if he seemed stoic at first sight.

“So, the problem is that Hanji-senpai is forced to wear a dress even though they are not a girl, because school rules are stupid?” Armin summed up to avoid further confusion.

“Precisely” Mr. Smith nodded. “And unfortunately, there is not much we can do about that.”

“There is something.”

“No, Levi, violence is not an option.”

“Tch. Violence is always an option.”

“I understand that you are upset, but you can't change the whole school on your own.”

“Watch me. Only I can hurt that stupid four-eyes.”

“That's actually cute, thank you Levi” Hanji smiled weakly at him. “Even though you've never actually hurt me.”

“Aw, Levi, you actually care about them” Nanaba teased and he shot her a death glare she ignored.

“I don't. Why would I?”

“You've said it already, there's no point trying to take that back.”

“He doesn't like to be obvious. You know expressing feelings isn't really his thing” Hanji explained. “But I know he does care and he knows I do care too. We're best friends, after all.”

“That's so sweet” Petra smiled.

“Can we focus on our problem?” Levi asked with irritation, just like Hanji said, he didn't like to be obvious about his feelings.

Meanwhile Mikasa, who had no interest in their conversations and relationships, pulled Sasha, Christa and Ymir aside. She had a plan. The girls didn't need much convincing to agree with her.

“Hanji-senpai” Mikasa spoke, it was unique of her to talk to anyone but Eren or Armin, so every head turned at her. “Please, wear your suit tomorrow and be as elegant as you can.”

“Do you have any plan?” Hanji was actually interested and fixed their glasses to properly look at the younger girl. “But do you realize it's against the rules?”

“Rules are meant to be broken” Ymir shrugged.

“Nothing is meant to be broken” Oluo scoffed, miraculously not biting his tongue.

“What about glowsticks?” Armin asked.

“Spaghetti if you have a small pot?” Sasha added.

“Karate boards?” Eren suggested.

“And rules” Ymir was more than happy to prove her point. Oluo wanted to comment it, but before he could form a coherent word, he bit his tongue.

“You'd better be quiet” Petra sighed with annoyance. “I can't wait for the day when you finally bite your tongue off.”

“My, my, love is in the air in Survey Corps” Nanaba teased again, observing the red headed girl.

“L-love? Nanaba-senpai, this is not—” she tried to protest, her cheeks blushed.

“Isn't it? Well, I see a pattern here” Nana looked at Levi and Hanji, then at Oluo and Petra and smirked.

“B-but...”

“Stop arguing, you only prove her point” Levi interrupted her, before she could embarrass herself. “The best strategy is to ignore her and pretend nothing happened.”

“I never said anything happened.”

“But you thought that. You and Miche are doing it since you joined us, I just know what you've thought” he pointed out, the mentioned couple only shrugged in response.

“Alright, kids, I guess under current circumstances we can tell that we are not able to have a proper club meeting today. I guess we can go home then” Erwin said and no one protested. They all had too much to think about.

The next day Hanji was extremely nervous. With Levi's help, they looked absolutely amazing, in a perfect suit, with clean and brushed hair, neatly pinned in an elegant updo, and polished glasses, they didn't look like their usual mad scientist persona. They were pacing nervously, waiting for younger girls, just like they told them the previous day.

“Oi, calm down, four-eyes, would you? That pacing drives me insane” Levi spoke finally.

“Sorry, I'm just really nervous!”

“I said stop” he approached them and grabbed their forearms, firm enough to make them stop, but careful enough to not wrinkle the jacket. “It will be fine” he said calmly, looking in their eyes. Hanji blinked a few times and sighed.

“You are probably right” they admitted. Corners of Levi's mouth moved a little and Hanji knew it was his smile. His stoic composure helped them calm down a little. Just when he let go of them, the younger students appeared, all wearing the best suits. When Hanji saw them, they blinked with confusion. Eren, Armin, Jean and Connie, as well as Mikasa, Sasha, Christa and Ymir all wore suits, and looked very elegant. Even a very girly and cute Christa, who wore dresses and skirts all the time, look very good with her hair braided in a pretty updo, they could even say she looked noble.

“Hanji-senpai, you look absolutely awesome” Sasha smiled, munching on bread sticks.

“B-but... You do realize, you're going to get in trouble?” Hanji asked, they were both deeply moved by their sacrifice and terrified of their potential punishment.

“They won't take us all” someone from the other side spoke and they turned around to see Nanaba, Petra, Ilse Langnar, Rico Brzenska, Annie Leonhart, even Hitch Dreyse as well as some more girls, all wearing suits. Hanji felt tears filling their eyes.

“You all did it for me?” they asked and their voice cracked with emotions.

“For you and to fight systemic oppression. We can't allow rules to limit our freedom. I already provided the article about it, we are supposed to look elegant, so we do. Who cares that we don't meet gender norms” Ilse answered with a smile.

“Thank you. All of you. It means a lot.”

“It was all Mikasa's idea, but we couldn't disagree with her” Petra praised the younger girl. Hanji turned around to Mikasa, who wasn't wearing her red scarf, as it wasn't particularly elegant after all those years.

“I did what had to be done” she said. Hanji said nothing, just approached her and hugged her, trying not to cry.

“Alright, let's go and ruin that stupid school!” Nana punched the air with her fist.

“Yes!” Eren definitely shared her excitement.

“Maybe not literally” Hitch reminded them, after all she still was a part of student's council. Everyone entered the school and proceeded to have their day.

They didn't have to wait long for the results of their actions. The teachers' reactions were mixed, some of them were horrified, some were quietly proud, and most of them didn't care, but they all at least tried to act like nothing happened. Yet the moment finally came and all the girls wearing suits, including Hanji, were called to principal Darius Zackly's office.

“What is the meaning of this? Don't school rules mean anything to you? Explain yourselves!” Mr. Nile Dawk demanded, he was clearly stressed out and he looked like he was going to have a seizure.

“Calm down, Nile, there's no need to yell” Mr. Erwin Smith rebuked him calmly.

“We were supposed to dress up formally and so we did. There is nothing wrong with our outfits” Mikasa answered with her usual unbothered expression.

“I don't see anything wrong either. These students look as elegant as they are supposed to” Mr. Smith agreed.

“But they wear clothes assigned for boys!” Mr. Kitz Woermann yelled and the blond teacher looked at him carefully, before speaking.

“Clothes have no gender” he stated.

“Unfortunately the school rules are clear about what the students are supposed to wear” principal Zackly fixed his glasses.

“Maybe this is the time to change the rules?”

“Are you seriously suggesting changing years of tradition just become some students can't keep up with it?” Mr. Dawk was getting angrier, but Mr. Smith was not easy to be provoked.

“If they can't, maybe there is a bigger problem? Look at all those students, this is not a single case. And there's more of them, this is a group protest. So maybe we should consider that it's time to change what isn't working anymore. Traditions are supposed to guide us, not limit our growth.”

“You are saying there is more students supporting this idea?” principal Zackly caressed his beard and looked at Erwin with curiosity.

“Of course” the teacher nodded and opened the door. A rather large group of boys entered the room and gave the traditional salute.

“Principal Zackly, with all respect, if you want to punish them, you would have to punish us as well!” Eren declared and no one disagreed with him, because for the first time he wasn't talking what seemed nonsense.

“Eren Jäger. I should have known it was you who stands behind all of this” Mr. Woermann clenched his fist in anger.

“Eren has nothing to do with that. It was my idea. Mine and no one else's” Mikasa said firmly.

“It doesn't matter whose idea it was” Mr. Keith Shadis spoke for the first time since this meeting started. “We should decide what to do now.”

“So you all agree with Mr. Smith and all this... protest?” the principal asked the boys, who all nodded in confirmation. “Very well. Then let's do this: since you claim clothes have no gender, then tomorrow you all come to school in dresses and no one will be punished, also we will change the school rules. Does that sound fair?” he proposed and the boys' confidence visibly lowered.

“It does. We are up to challenge” Levi said with his usual poker face, though his gritted teeth and slightly furrowed brows were giving away his determination and anger.

“Very well. You are dismissed” he decided and the students left the teachers to deal with any disagreements on their own.

“How did we get into this?” Jean ran his fingers through his hair.

“We can't do that” Reiner protested.

“We have to. Remember why are we doing it: for our friends. All the girls decided to risk getting in trouble for today, yet they did it, because it was the right thing to do. Now it's our turn, are we going to be little cowards or can we face it like men?” Armin reminded them, his speech raised their morale a little. He knew he was right and his friends knew it too. Besides he wore girly outfit before and he knew it was nothing bad.

“You don't have to do that. None of you had to” Hanji spoke quietly, they felt overwhelming guilt about everything that happened. “I'm sorry for making this much trouble, I should never have said anything, I should have acted like it wasn't a big deal” they pushed their glasses on their head and rubbed their eyes.

“Shut up, four-eyes. You have the right to be yourself and no one can tell you otherwise. At this point it's not even about you anymore. They want a war. So I can gladly provide one” Levi growled and only Hanji knew how much affection he had just expressed in this angry statement. “If they think a piece of clothing is going to ruin our confidence, they're so wrong.”

“Alright then, if Levi-senpai can do that, I guess we all can” Oluo shrugged. He looked at Petra and for the first time he saw admiration in her eyes. It was definitely worth doing it then.

“Thank you. It means a lot to us” Christa smiled sweetly.

“You will thank us tomorrow, when we prove our point to the teachers” said Levi.

The next day however, they were even less sure if it was worth doing. Even during the road to school, everyone was unusually quiet.

“Eren? Are you alright?” Mikasa asked shyly, when they met with their friends, only Armin and Connie didn't seem to have much against their clothes. “You know you didn't have to do this, right?”

“You think I could back out like a coward after you have fought so bravely for Hanji and for the right cause? To admit the teachers were right, that wearing this dress, this meaningless piece of clothing can shatter my manliness and hurt my pride to the point I choose to spare myself embarrassing and abandon my friends in need? I thought you know me better than that” he looked at her and she gave him one of her most beautiful smiles.

“Yeah, when I told my mom about it, I was sure she was going to slap me or even disown. But she suddenly started crying and said she's proud of me for being willing to sacrifice myself for my friends. And I guess it made me feel better” Jean confessed and Mikasa looked at him.

“You can be annoying, but this is very mature of you. I really appreciate that you didn't back out. Thank you” she said and he suddenly blushed, clearly not being used to such kind words.

When they arrived to school, they were very relieved to see that they weren't the only ones who wore dresses just like they were supposed to. They could see Petra chatting with Oluo, Gunther and Eld; Marco talking to Ilse; Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie, trying to act like they didn't exist; Hitch, who at once wasn't making fun of Marlowe; Franz and Hanna lost in their own world; even Rico, who usually wore her sport suit, was wearing a dress, just like her friend Ian, they were looking at the walls and seemed to lament they won't be cleaned today too. Finally, the first year students saw the core of Survey Club: Moblit was reading a book, Miche and Nanaba were chatting about something quite cheerfully, all not bothered by their outfits at all, while the other couple was just their usual self, excited Hanji and grumpy Levi. And whoever saw them, simply couldn't not stare. Hanji had their hair down, it was messy and fluffy, because of its cut, but the way it fell around their face was really bringing out their beauty. Hanji was never considered casually beautiful, but now everyone could see how terribly wrong they were: Hanji was gorgeous and they didn't even put any effort to look like this. All it took was to loosen their hair and put a dress on, and suddenly everyone was aware of their beauty. And Levi... this guy was incredible, he had his usual grumpy expression, but even in a dress he looked absolutely amazing. These two totally rocked in those outfits and everyone was staring at them either with adoration or jealousy. Their obvious confidence and radiating boss energy was very helpful for everyone who felt down about their clothes.

That was until Mr. Erwin Smith joined them and absolutely stole the spotlight. He was wearing his usual shirt and tie, but instead of pants, he had a skirt. And he wore it with so much confidence that he looked awesome.

“Even you had to do that, sir?” Sasha asked when the young group approached them and the teacher just smiled.

“I didn't have to. I decided to, because I realized that if I was defending you so strongly, I could set a good example myself” he explained. The students looked at him, very impressed. He didn't have to unite with them, yet he chose to and he wasn't ashamed at all. “It was not an easy decision, but I knew you were going to need support in this difficult day. So here I am.”

“Mr. Smith, you are the best!” Connie exclaimed and no one could disagree with him.

The rest of the day was very challenging. Boys were not used to wearing dresses at all, but luckily every one of them had girls who were experts in preventing any wardrobe malfunction. They were also ready to protect their friends from any bullies, and unfortunately they had plenty opportunities. But it was worth it, at the end of the day, principal Zackley informed them, that he didn't believe they could do that, yet they did. And deal was deal, the school rules were going to officially be changed. It was the moment Hanji couldn't take it anymore and they just started crying.

“Stop it, four-eyes” Levi said gently.

“I'm sorry, I just... I'm so happy and I can't believe it's real” they laughed through tears and pushed their glasses up, so they could wipe their eyes. Suddenly they pulled their friend in a tight hug. “Thank you, Levi. Thank you for everything” they sobbed.

“There, there. Don't you dare to ruin my dress” he warned them, but put a hand in their hair and caressed it softly. He actually couldn't care less about his clothes as long as Hanji was comfortable. They pulled away after a moment, smiling sheepishly. “Better?”

“Yes. Thank you, Levi.”

“You're welcome.”

The next day everything went back to normal. Well, almost everything, because those two days definitely strengthened relationships. There was more understanding and affection in all friendships, and the taste of success really made everyone more confident. Some teachers weren't happy about it, but they didn't have much choice than to accept their loss. Even more, when a couple of days later, principal Zackly got a report that the results of the inspection are very positive and the school is doing just fine...

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

im 15 and starting my freshman year of college. im screaming. send help. what do i do. how do i meet people. i know nobody. im mtf but i look like PotatoMan™ what do i do help please everyones like 9 ft taller than me im dysohoric, my voice sucks, help. too many issues, not enough coffee or time

Lee says:

You should try to meet people your age outside of the school. Some libraries have clubs for teens or teen activities, or you could try joining a recreational sports team for people your age, or do an art class like pottery or find a drama group to learn acting, whatever you’re interested in. You might be able to do the after-school clubs at your local high school, or see if your guidance counselor could help you find an activity.

If you don’t know what your interests are, or don’t have any strong interests, it’s good to try something new! No one will judge you if you’re new to the club/meetup or don’t know much about the subject. Everyone was new to it at some point! You want to make sure you have a regular activity going on outside of college because it’s important to socialize with peers your age, and avoid getting isolated which can happen with online schools and being in a group with an age gap.

You should maybe look into getting a therapist, as they might be able to help you deal with switching into a new phase of your life (college) and help you develop strategies to cope with the stress and anxiety you might be experiencing. You could ask them to help you find an activity, and state that getting out of the house regularly is one of the primary goals you’ll be working towards in therapy. 

Getting a therapist and being in therapy

10 Tips on How to Work Through Feelings of Social Isolation

5 ways to beat loneliness

Our mental health page

You could tell your grandmother that if you’re responsible enough for college, you should be allowed to choose your own clothing and makeup and accessories and such because you’re growing up and should be allowed to make decisions for yourself. Or you could save up money, and buy little things from the store (like CVS, Walgreens, or Target) like clear nail polish to paint your toes, which is easy to hide, or girly headbands, which are also small and easy to hide. This could help with your dysphoria.

Transfeminine Dysphoria Tips

More dysphoria tips

Hip dysphoria

In-the-closet transfeminine dysphoria tips

More in-the-closet transfeminine dysphoria tips

Songs

Virtual makeover

Our Dysphoria Tips Masterpost

Voice-dysphoria wise, we have info on voice training in our transfeminine page! My brother’s voice hadn’t finished dropping at 15 so if you’re able to get T blockers and maybe E you might be able to prevent it continuing to drop. I don’t know if you’re an emancipated minor, but if you are, you’ll be able to consent to medical treatment like HRT without your guardian’s approval. If you are in the custody of your state’s child protection services, you might be able to convince them to support your transition if you get a letter from a therapist saying it’s in the best interests for you.

Eva App

Video tutorial

First video in a series

First in another series

Voice advice

Reddit’s advice

Voice training website

How to develop a feminine voice

TS Roadmap’s Advice

Professional Advice

Transfeminine resources

Overall, it’s important to make sure that you practice self-care, and don’t try to do more than you’re capable of. You don’t want to go from 0 to 100 and burn out, so make sure you watch your limits and take a break if things are getting to intense, and re-evaluate what’s going on. If you have any friends or a significant other your age, remember to connect with them and hang out now and again. Go outside, take walks, eat regularly, all that jazz. You said there’s too many issues and not enough time, so when you have a free moment, get a pencil or a pen and some paper and write down what the issues are, and then number them in order of importance, and see what you can come up with in the way of solutions or coping with the problem. 

An interactive self-care guide

How to make a comfort box

Self-care masterpost

BRACE method

How to practice self-care

What will help?

Mental health resources

You could also consider enrolling in high school and taking honors and AP or IB courses, and then going to a local community college for a few more advanced courses after school. This way you are still among your peers even though the pace may be a bit slower than online college. If you find that you don’t like it, you could transfer out after midterms or at the end of the year and do college next year.

Followers, anything else to add?

[blschaos3000-blog]

Its 12:33 pm cloudy/windy

Welcome to “8 Questions With……”

I found our next guest,Krystle Martin,by sheer accident. I was surfing FB and her page came up as someone FB thought I might like,seeing as Krystle was an actress,I clicked on her page and poked around.  Then I clicked on her acting reel and thought it was so darn cute,normally I don’t post acting reels with interviews because they get outdated and sometimes taken down and that leaves a empty hole on the page. But I’m posting Krystle’s reel because it was so darn charming and it sparked my curiousity because not only does Ktystle act,she is also a professional stuntwoman and while I have chatted with stuntmen here,I haven’t had a interview since I talked with Diana Lee Inosanto in 2016. So it made perfect sense to ask Krystle if she would be willing to share her story with us here and being quite modest,I really feel I have the coolest people to chat with and after reading Ktystle’s story,you’ll agree with me…..

  Please introduce yourself and tell us about your current project.

Hey hey! My name is Krystle Martin, I’m a stunt performer and actor. I’ve most recently been working as Ronda Rousey’s stunt double on Fox’s 911, played a dramatic role in a Vang Brother’s feature called The Uncanny, and performed mocap for Amazon Games’ upcoming The Crucible.

What was your childhood like? Were you a tomboy at a early age?

I was always equal parts tomboy and girlie girl, I never wanted to take off my blue Cinderella dress but it ended up torn from climbing trees. Flash forward to now… on a day off from shooting 911 in Mexico, I wore a new sundress to meet the guys at the beach, then ended up tying the hem up around my thighs so I could join their impromptu game of football. 

I grew up in a broken home with lots of love but not a lot of money or structure. I was the oldest with a brother and sister to look after and always took being a role model for them (probably a little too) seriously. I wanted to show them anything was possible, that we could stop the cycles we’d been born into. We can steer away from addiction, we can go to school and get good grades, work and earn our own money, go to college, travel, and follow our dreams. I’m still trying to set a good example for them, and myself. I’m always striving to learn every day and be the best person I can be.

Which did you do first as a professional,act or do stunts?

Acting was my first love, then I sort of… fell into stunts– see what I did there? I studied acting at UCLA’s School of Theater, Film, and Television and performed in shorts and indie films, but was struggling hard after graduation just to keep my rent paid without the benefit of financial aid. I happened upon Santa Monica Muscle Beach one day while running with a friend and was so thrilled with the playground for adults and all the fun, kind people there, it became a frequent hangout. Many of the patrons of “the beach” turned out to be stunt people and shortly thereafter, I was invited to attend some private stunt workouts. I’d been training for fun like that for a few years while juggling too many day jobs to count,  classes, student film auditions, and trying to get an agent. Eventually, I heard about an audition for a touring stunt show called Marvel Universe Live. I almost didn’t go to it because after some small successes, I didn’t want to risk losing any momentum I had going in LA. But after several callbacks I was invested. The project sounded like an adventure, an opportunity to learn and travel, and prove to myself that I could do it. 

What was your first stunt and how did you prepare for it?

Marvel Universe Live was my first stunt gig, and not just one stunt but a two hour show of them, up to three times a day, performed live to a sound track, with no “cut” like in film– you had to roll with the punches. My first year, I was cast as the Captain Marvel understudy (before that super hero was a household name) and played the minion baddies –Chitauri and Extremis. I took 18 falls to the ground every show, along with a 16 foot highfall, a lot of running, climbing, and fighting. We were in rehearsals for three months before the show opened, which included daily conditioning training. Before the rehearsals had begun, or I’d officially been assigned a role, casting had asked if I’d be willing to “tone up a bit”. In six weeks, I dropped 10lbs, 2 pant sizes, 5% body fat, and got in the best shape of my life. I was determined, and it paid off!

Is it more difficult when you are both acting and doing stunts,in your mind what comes first?

I could see that becoming an issue if the stunts were tougher than just some light running and fighting, which is the extent of the stunts so far that I have done while I am also acting. Acting always comes first for me, as the story, background, and emotional state of the character will influence the performance of the choreography – it’s something that applies when I am doing just straight stunts as well. In fact, I consider my acting background a huge asset when working as a stunt performer, particularly when doubling an actor, because I can efficiently understand their process and observe and recreate details to help meld the two performances into the single character. 

There was a time when my dream was to act and do my own stunts. Now that I have become more immersed in the stunt world, I no longer want that. I realize that’s a naïve and selfish thing to do as an actor. Actors can certainly bring an athleticism to a character, but insisting on doing their own stunts can take away focus from giving their best acting performance, take away a job from a qualified, trained stunt professional, and risk money, jobs, and potentially the entire production should they get injured. Actors and stunt doubles can make a great team to bring a character to life and create the best production possible.

Which do you like to do more as an actress,action,horror,comedy? What draws you to a project?

Because of my dual skill sets, action definitely interests me most, followed by well-written drama. Above all, an engaging story arc attracts me to a project, how does the character evolve over the course of the film? Of course, this is Hollywood, and I’ve got bills to pay so I don’t always have the luxury of choosing my ideal roles. I just try to learn what I can from each project, and every day spent on a set is an excellent learning experience.

Do actors/stunt people get paid separately for each job? Is the pay rate higher the more involved the stunt is?

Yes, Actors and stunt performers usually get paid per job on a daily or weekly SAG-AFTRA contract. Or if doubling on a film, you may be “carried,” meaning they will pay you on days you are not actively working for the luxury of having you available solely for that production.

For stunts, you usually get an additional bump in pay on top of the day rate, depending on the difficulty and risk of the stunt and how many times production needs you to repeat it. How much is at the discretion of the stunt coordinator and added to the Schedule G (daily sign in/out sheet) at the end of the day.

What has been your three best moments in the entertainment business so far?

The first to pop into mind was very recent actually, I was doubling Ronda Rousey on 911 last month and there was a fight scene to shoot. Very talented stunt guys, Matt Mullins and Brandon Melende worked out some great potential choreo to demonstrate, the finale of which had me taking Brandon down with a flying armbar. Afterward, Ronda suggested I give her my contact information to keep on hand because “people always ask me if I have someone, and now I can say I do. And I like your fight stuff.” It was a double whammy compliment! I tried so hard to play it cool but inside I was jumping for joy and sing-yelling, “Ronda Rousey likes my fights!!!!!!! Holy Crap! Did you hear that?! Am I dreaming?! I can now die happy” I think I managed to say something slightly more respectable like, “Well, coming from you that’s quite the compliment. Thank you.” 

Of course, originally getting the call to work 911, my first ever SAG Weekly contract— in Mexico!! And then getting told I was going to stunt double for Ronda Rousey— not only exciting because she’s a badass but also because for nine years or so, since she started with the UFC, people had been stopping me in grocery stores to tell me I looked like her! And now I get to double her!!!! —Those were big moments too.

Getting the call from Marvel stands out. It was January 2nd, 2014. Feld Entertainment called to tell me I’d been cast in Marvel Universe Live! After multiple callbacks, weeks of intensive training to tone up, and months of the waiting game, I’d gotten the part! I did it!! I was going to travel! I’d never been east of Oklahoma! I was going to get paid more than I ever had—to perform!!! Again, I tried to “play it cool” on the phone, but I was dancing around my kitchen and upon hanging up, hysterically laugh-cried, grinning wet face pointed to the heavens, overcome with gratitude. 

Getting a call to work my first SAG stunt gig on LA’s Finest. I had been a SAG member for almost a year without a job when this call came. It was late the night before the stunt, I had been at the Korean spa with my phone off, and I felt so happy and grateful that I had happened to turn my phone on, got service in the underground facility, and answered the unknown call to receive this excellent news! Another laugh-cry moment. Then for the first time I had my own trailer room and had a great day as a stunt double!

What do you do in order to stay in shape? Do you have set training schedule?

I find my day jobs plus attending stunt workouts keep me in pretty great shape without additional gym time. I usually run 2-4 miles a few times week while listening to a fun app called Zombies Run— great production value and what better motivator to sprint than zombies right behind you?! I work at Universal Studios as an employee of a stunt company called Action Horizons, in The Special Effects Show—a behind-the-scenes show where I rappel in from the ceiling, fight off two bad guys and throw them in a dumpster, then get set on fire—and the Triceratops Encounter—in which I work in tandem with another person, while piloting the 140lbs head, face, and front feet of a 10’ tall dino puppet. I attend weekly stunt workouts with (Mo-Cap/Action Studio) Minds Eye Tribe in tactical, creature movement, and swords, and every week I still go play on the rings and slackline at Santa Monica Muscle Beach.

What has been your worst injury to date and how did it happen?

I have been very lucky to have never broken a bone or torn a ligament or tendon *knocks on wood*. Though, I’ve hyperextended my thumbs so many times I’m skittish about holding hands unless my thumb is on the outside. After years of repeatedly injuring them when fighting over/grabbing weapons, a fight choreographer on Marvel, David Doersch, finally demonstrated to all of us by moving both his thumbs perpendicular to his palms,  saying “hospital” and then parallel to his palms, “no hospital” and repeating the process multiple times for emphasis— a helpful tidbit I now often include when coaching actors for fight scenes. I’ve been hit in the face quite a bit, had black eyes on each side and once I got accidentally punched so hard in the mouth that my permanent retainer popped off. Discomfort, soreness, pain, and some injuries are practically in the job description. It’s common courtesy to buy a fellow stunt performer a drink if you accidently make contact for real…. I’ve drank some and I’ve bought some.

The cheetah and I are flying over to watch your latest film but we are a day early and now you are playing tour guide,what are we doing?

I love playing tour guide! Even after 11 years, my heart still skips a beat when I turn a corner and catch a glimpse of the Hollywood sign, so I love taking out-of-town friends to Grauman’s Chinese Theater, The Dolby, and the Walk of Fame. You could come see all the shows at Universal and go on the backlot tour,  and take a little hike up to Wisdom Tree. And of course, come play with us at Santa Monica Muscle Beach.

I like to thank Krystle for taking the time to talk with us. She is certainly one true bad ass on more then one level and we have nothing but respect and admiration for where she has come and more importantly,where she is going.      Krystle has several SM sites in which you can follow her career both in front of the camera and behind it. 

StuntPhone Profile

StuntListing Profile

Stunt Reel Acting Reel Website

Actors Access

IMDB InstaGram

If you have a story and want a chance to share it,feel free to reach out and email me and we’ll talk, As always,thank you so much for supporting Krystle and everyone I have interviewed here.  We are very grateful. Feel free to drop a comment below as well.

8 Questions with……….actress-stuntwoman Krystle Martin Its 12:33 pm cloudy/windy Welcome to "8 Questions With......" I found our next guest,Krystle Martin,by sheer accident.

[believe-that-you-can-my-friend]

Thank you for your lovely comments, darlings!!! I hope you like what I did with your prompts!! Enjoy!!! <3

Warning: Hot make-outs, smutty mentions, cute Bughead galore and just me fawning over the bae that is Cole Sprouse. 

“We have to go.” Kiss

“Hmm, in a second.” Kiss

“One day – kiss – we’ll get caught – kiss – and they’ll definitely expel us.” Hard Kiss.

“Oh, I’d love to see you, Betty Cooper – kiss – getting expelled over a steamy make out.” Bite.

Betty just let a breathless laugh, alternating the angle of her head and dropped her arms to his shoulders, crossing them by the wrists behind his head. Jughead’s smile grew more in delight against her lips and he dove in again, pecking her lips hard. They were in one of the dusty storage rooms of their high school, the smallest one and the one with no windows, exploring this new-found feeling of being in love and being a couple, mist old broken chairs and random school supplies. Betty was perched up on an unused desk that lay against the wall, dressed for her cheerleading practice in her usual white and yellow t-shirt and dark blue shorts, while her boyfriend was standing deliciously between her gorgeous legs, school bag, denim jacket and beanie abandoned somewhere on the floor, kissing her like there was no tomorrow for God knows how long now.

That was basically they daily routine. Ever since the two of them overcame their irrational fears of rejection and possible heartbreak and talked with each other about that kiss that held all of Jughead’s suppressed emotions all those years, they couldn’t overlook their mutual feeling of desiring to be together. Three weeks had passed since that day and, despite of the new challenges they were faced with every day, regarding their unconventional families and the amorality that seemed to emerge every once in a while of the core of their small town, the two teens were basking in the afterglow of their romance with affectionate gestures and heated make outs. The only cloud shading their Romeo and Juliet fairytale was that everything was being done in shadows, like a good, concealed secret.

They wanted to tell people; and they would do it. They weren’t afraid or ashamed, both emotions equally unfair to the wonderful union that it was them. They just wanted to do it in their own terms, without excited friends or controlling parents getting in their way, without having to explain themselves or put labels and boundaries in something that came and kept growing natural to them. So, janitor’s closets and storage rooms it was.

“I have to hurry for PE.” He murmured against her lips again with no indication of stopping his hungry lips anytime soon though. “Can’t have more absences.” He sighed as she swiped her tongue skillfully over his down lip. The boy was never a fan of team sports or exercise whatsoever so he used to always ditch PE, something that he regretted deeply now that he had no more absences to spare and a deep need to stay tangled up with her forever.

“Then hurry.” Betty smirked teasingly, grabbing the lapels of his flannel and urging her lips more on his demanding ones, feeling him leave a slight moan against her parted mouth and dug his bony fingers on the side of her smooth thighs, where his hands were comfortably resting all this time.

The girl just gasped and rolled her torso against his, Jughead catching her down lip between his and sucking it, causing her to whine lightly, her tiny hands travelling from his shirt to his neck and inside his mop of dark waves, tugging them lightly, while rolling her hips closer to his, her knee sock clad ankles loosely wrapping over the material of his army green pants over his knees. He moaned into the kiss and his tongue darted out to tease hers sensually, loving the taste of her bubblegum pink lipstick along with the chocolate he had previously shared with her, and his hands caressed up her legs until they settled on the small of her waist, perfectly arched for her to stay connected and close to him.

“Seriously now, Juggie” she left his lips half-heartedly and felt them dropping kisses to her jawline and neck, the girl blinking rapidly to the wall across her to regain some sanity “we need to go.” She let a quite embarrassing, needy sigh when his lips found that spot on her pulse point and gave it a wet suck, Betty shivering inside his arms and her legs tightening for a moment in reflex.

Jughead pulled back to look at her, hair a mess with raven strands falling over his eyes and a little cocky smirk intact at her reactions to his touch. “You were saying?” he teased her and she pushed his cheek to the side, snorting a laugh at his classic boyish attitude.

“Cheryl will literally scavenge the whole school if she sees I’m missing.” Her green eyes held a horror that only Cheryl Blossom knew how to inflict on people. “I’m telling you, I’ll offer you as a sacrifice for her to skin alive in her vindictive rage.” One of her slender fingers pocked his chest in warning, bodies still in the closest of proximities and her left arm curled around his neck.

“You always say the sweetest things to me, Betty Cooper.” Jughead’s chuckle quivered under his slightly raging breath, Betty offering back a funny grimace of a pout. “I can live with that.” He finally declared after a moment and a foxy side smirk decorated his lips, before he dove in once again, mouth parting over her gasping one, the force and the intensity of that new round of making-out causing Betty to fall back and take the boy with her, her perfect ponytail getting squished against the concrete of the wall. Broken sighs and wet sounds filled the room once again as their tongues continued their slow, salacious dance, Betty’s palms caressing his chest in abstract shapes over his ash grey t-shirt, her face trapped between his large hands that lay flat on the wall behind her as Jughead was lazily tasting every inch of her inviting mouth.

The most disliked sound in the history of education, the ringing bell, went off over their heads and the couple jumped, reluctantly leaving the warmth of each other’s lips with a series of small, lightheaded pecks. Jughead dropped his arms and his palms slid flat on the desk on either side of her, shoulders slouching down like he had run a marathon and he was trying to catch his breath and his now rosy, from her kisses and her lipstick, lips let a heavy cooing huff as they curled in a dumbfounded smile.

“What?” Betty’s eyebrows knitted but her goofy smile was left unfazed, amused by her boy’s reactions, as always.

He sighed again, deep in his chest. “I need some minutes to calm myself down before we walk out there.” His sly smile and mischievous baby blues made his statement somehow hotter than it already was, Betty scoffing a laugh at his misery and she went to caress the sides of his neck but he bounced his head backwards, sending her a warning glare. “Without you touching me.” He colored every word with a great amount of prohibition, because if even a single fingertip of hers came in contact with his inflamed skin they would never leave this room. Betty withdrew her hands and raised them in surrender, biting her down lip to hide how hilarious she found the situation he was in.

“Stop gloating. It’s irritating.” Jughead sardonic statement lost any meaning whatsoever with the involuntary grin that spread on his lips, his girl just shrugging and swaying her legs merilly back and forth at the sides of his slender ones. He just shook his head at her childish naivety that contradicted the persona of that sexy seductress she was minutes ago and curled an arm around her waist, pulling her off the desk and to the ground with a happy squeal from her lips.

“See you at lunch.” Betty’s sweet voice gave him something to look forward to, the raven-haired boy giving her a wink in agreement and leaning down to capture her irresistible lips into a loving peck. He reached for his security blanket, his crown-like beanie, and adjusted it on his head ready to face the world once again and grabbed the rest of his belongings. Betty popped her head out of the door to check the corridor and then two of them slipped out cautiously and headed to different directions after some more quick and needy pecks filled with adrenaline due to the fear of getting caught.

Betty arrived at cheer practice last and with cheeks flushed, due to her running and her rated R shenanigans. She joined the circle of the cheerleaders at the center of the large gym, lacing an arm with Veronica’s elbow and took a breath with a smile when the brunette girl turned to greet her. Conversation cut short immediately amongst the sea of same clad girls and Betty frowned upon seeing every one of them giving her weird glances and raised eyebrows. Even Veronica seemed to share whatever their thoughts were too.

“What?” the blonde breathed, a tad dizzy still, putting her weight on one leg, appearing girly and cheerful as always.

Veronica blinked to snap out of her tactless state of staring. “Nothing! Just your hair looks a little disheveled” she suspiciously pointed out, scanning her blonde tresses, Betty quickly running her hands to the sides of her ponytail to smooth them “and your-your lipstick is kinda smudged.” She rounded a finger over her own lips, smirking in confusion, upon seeing her friend’s skin around her natural luscious lips slightly irritated and suspiciously rosy.

Betty panicked at that, her fingers shooting up immediately to swipe any hint of misplaced lipstick, praying that Jughead wasn’t going to sport anything pink on his lips upon arriving at the gym too. Maybe she had to rethink about wearing any colored lipsticks from now on. “I-I just ate; that’s all.” She tried to reserve her calm.

“Ate? Ate what? Dick?” Cheryl of course wouldn’t leave any chance to mock Betty pass by, the cheerleaders around her shrieking loud giggles at the thought of pure, innocent, little Betty Cooper having any kind of experience in the hooking up department. If only they knew.

Veronica just flinched in disapproval, taking Betty by the elbow. “I guess you’re talking from experience, Cheryl. Good for you.” She fired back while dragging her best friend further away, the redhead’s posy erupting in a surprised oh and Betty making a grimace of appreciation at the clever comeback.  

“Thank God for Betty and her breeze of refinement amongst this herd of evil Vixens.” Jughead’s input to the conversation came out of nowhere, dangerously close to the blonde’s ear and startled her, Betty losing her footing momentarily only for him to catch her by the elbows, giving her the boyish smile she was starting to fall in love with.

“Oh, Jughead Jones, your affection towards me really breaks my heart.” Veronica said in her trademark fake romantic voice, placing a hand upon her chest, like she was wounded forever. Betty chuckled, not able to hide her lovey-dovey smile he always brought to her lips.

The boy just rolled his eyes at the brunette and jogged backwards to join his fellow classmates that were warming up around the track, not before sending a not so subtle smirk to Betty who blushed and looked down to hide it, rubbing the side of her neck awkwardly.

“One more round to Jones from me! He’s harassing cheerleaders!” Veronica shouted to coach Clayton who nodded and whistled in confirmation, earning a loud, annoyed “what?” by the raven-haired boy.

Betty’s eyes widened. “Why did you do that?” she hissed to her friend, watching as her secret boyfriend now debated his penalty with coach with animated hand gestures.

“Because I can.” Veronica shrugged. “And because it’s always fun to pester a fuming Jughead Jones.” She giggled, shaking her head in amusement, and Betty couldn’t argue with that, seeing her boy now being a funny grumpy cat running round and round breathlessly. “Seriously, though, why his sudden infatuation with you lately?” she sat down to stretch and Betty’s palms got sweaty as she joined her. “I get that you two spend a lot of time together but that boy practically follows you everywhere!” she dragged the word to indicate how often she was spotting them joined at the hip, while reaching her toes effortlessly.

“We’re friends, Veronica.” Betty shook her head with a nervous chuckle. “And we’re all of us together, not just me and Juggie.” She tried to reason but the use of his nickname and the lovely smile that involuntarily decorated the word must have given her slightly away.

“Hm.” The brunette hummed unconvinced, a perfect shaped eyebrow raised in suspicion. “Fine, I’ll figure it out myself then.” She teased and gathered her pom-poms, Betty opening her mouth to stop her and find a better excuse but shallowed hard once hearing the imposing voice of Cheryl Blossom ordering their asses to stop sulking and to finally put them in good use. Betty only hoped that Veronica wasn’t good at putting clues together.

Dinner at Pop’s was always Jughead’s favorite ritual since he could remember himself. The small dinner had sinful burgers, warm atmosphere and was always filled with friends, something that he was starting to appreciate even more lately that his home life sucked and his dad was acting off the rails, like the free spirit he always was.

Jughead looked around the table, observing everyone and everything like he always did. Archie was across him munching fries and talking excitedly and with mouth full about an audition at a pub downtown he managed to ace, whereas next to him Kevin was scolding him in amusement about his bad table manners, his requital being a generous handful of the yellow fried sticks over his perfectly coiffured hair, both boys erupting in a series of deep, chest-lifting laughter that had Jughead joining along. It was good to laugh like that, carelessly and carefree; he had missed that feeling.

The female companions of their small group appeared and his smile seemed to get bigger, not because of the extra food they were bringing along, but because she was there, sporting a delicious low-cut camisole that was high-lightening all the stunning features of her beautiful face and she was laughing, laughing with her nose scrunched adorably and her pearly whites all in full display. Betty Cooper being happy could cure every form of depression; he was absolutely positive of that.

She slid next to him on the booth and she couldn’t help but look at him, shy look under her eyelashes and dashing smile in tack, and, oh, how he wanted to kiss her right there on the spot and never pull back from her lips until their shape was imprinted on his own. Instead, he just smiled back, their eyes talking volumes and making promises for breathless moments later tonight at their usual hide-away in her room, and he drummed his fingers lightly over her bare knee under the table, before skimming her thigh briefly and draping his arm on the leather seat behind her. Betty just offered him her lovely blush, that blush that he really wanted to know how far down it went on her gorgeous silhouette and longing to make it scarlet under his touch, and hesitantly turned her head to face their friends around the table.

Jughead went back to observing but he wasn’t interested in the conversation anymore. He observed her; her gorgeous profile that shined even more with the occasional flash of lighting of a passing car, her smooth neck and the parts of it he now knew that made her weak in the knees, her gorgeous lips, full, delicious, pink, that got him every time to lose any track of logical thought and any eloquent skill of his sharp tongue. She was aware that he was observing her, of course she was; her fingers were toying with the delicate necklace on her collarbones where Jughead could still detect a faint hickey, even under the heaps of make-up he was sure she had applied on. He smirked slightly, cockily. She noticed. So she pouted her lips and blew a bubble with a pink bubblegum that Jughead surprisingly noticed at the very moment.

He watched her as her shimmery lips puckered, a coat of shiny lip-gloss making them juicier than they already were, and opened in a girly pout for a pink, round bubble to be formed against her lips before it smashed with an audible, sexy, pop. For a moment, he remembered the summer before fourth grade and a little Betty Cooper being red with anger at herself and her lack of ability to form bubbles from fruit gums like any other girl her age, him being the one to teach her how, the bubbly girl awarding his nine year old self with the most shiny, toothless grin on the planet. The feeling of the innocent tug on his chest every time he watched her pop bubbles here and there back then was totally different with what he was experiencing as a teenager now.

Hints of gum stayed glued on the corner of her upper lip and he watched as she darted her tongue out to swipe them away, his mouth agape and his eyes blinking slowly, mesmerized by the sight. Betty sent him a side, almost seductive, glare, while licking the curve of her mouth and his Adam’s apple bobbed, the boy squirming on his seat involuntarily to readjust himself.

“Hey, Jug! Hey! Earth to Jughead!” Archie’s vigorous hand movements were caught by the corner of his eyes, the raven haired boy snapping back to reality by his friend’s demanding voice, turning in lightning speed to face him, lightheaded, embarrassed and totally hooked by the miracle that was Betty Cooper. The said miracle licked her lips to hide her pleased smile, dropping her mischievous eyes on her lap.

“What?” he snapped groggily, sinking more in his seat. He was sure his cheeks were scarlet red by now; he could feel it by his sweaty palms.

“I asked you if you’ll crash to my place tonight.” The redhead asked again, frowning at his friend and his lack of paying attention.

Pop. Another smacked bubble and Jughead’s gaze felt immediately back to Betty, the blonde focused on a conversation with Kevin and Veronica. Or pretending to be focused since a teasing smile was curling her lips and that, he knew, was aiming to make him crazy. Her tongue came to lick the center of her lips this time, Jughead catching a glimpse of its wet, sensual curve upwards and losing it right there, the action bringing to his mind the plethora of times that sinful tongue curled so deliciously against his own.

“Dude, seriously?” Archie’s punch on his shoulder made him escape his hormonal reverie, the action causing him to lose focus for a minute. “Betty, stop chewing that gum at last!” Archie groaned in irritation and any and all conversations stopped right away, two teens raising questionable eyebrows and two other holding their breaths, those two being the ones that had something to hide.

Archie’s next statement made both Betty and Jughead relax, their secret being still safe. “The dork has a pet peeve or something and I need to communicate with him for a moment!” he teased him brotherly even though still slightly annoyed.

Jughead shook his head and smirked lightly at his joke, Veronica examining the boy with a scrutinizing look. “Yeah, you call that a pet peeve now.” She commended and offered him a fake smile when he snapped his head up to her, growing defensive, but she dropped the subject, turning to Kevin and asking about some physics notes.

Archie’s phone announced the delivery of a text and he focused his attention on it, Jughead finding the perfect opportunity to lean to the blonde’s ear next to him.

“Will you stop that already?” his whisper was almost pleading.

“Stop what?” Betty faked obliviousness, a hint of smirk playing on her lips.

Jughead just send her a “I know you, Cooper” look; her shoulder brushed his chest lightly as she let a soundless laugh.

“A gum? Really, Juggie? That’s your turn on?” she whispered back with a funny expression, scanning around the table for any curious eyes looking at them.

“It’s not the gum.” The boy replied in his trademark clever tone. “It’s your lips and that tongue and the fact that I want nothing more than to steal this gum and kiss you senseless until your breaths are feeding my lungs.” he finally broke, green meeting blue in a stare off and Betty’s lips formed a perfect, round O at his beautiful and incredibly lascivious choice of words.

“My mom is taking Polly to the doctor in an hour.” She blurted out, voice colored with desire and eyes shining with a burning flame.

“I’ll use Fred’s ladder.” Jughead replied in the same tone, excitement coiling in his belly.

“Alright, guys, I’m heading home.” Betty announced, quickly standing up, the others looking her at a loss; they were supposed to spend the whole evening together. “I have to study for this really impotant math test and I’m way behind.” Jughead mentally face-palmed at her excessive effort to appear convincing. Betty Cooper couldn’t lie to save her life.

“Yeah and I have to do that thing at the Blue & Gold.” Jughead blabbed away, shaky fingers gathering his laptop and text books from the table. He wasn’t a good liar either.

“Thing?” Kevin raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, thing, Kevin! Blue & Gold is a respective newspaper in our small school community and there are a lot of things to be improved still in order to shine bright and find its former supreme glory.” He concluded his unnecessary rant and his eyes scanned around for anyone that bought it. Kevin was narrowing his eyes in confusion, Archie was titling his head, totally lost and Veronica was being Veronica; witty and unable to fool. Even Betty was looking anywhere but him, certain that by now everyone had caught them in their lie.

“Whatever. You weren’t a thrill of a company to begin with.” Veronica broke the awkward silence with her usual teasing like always, all of them laughing, apart from Jughead who just rolled his eyes and pulled a strand of her hair lightly, the girl swatting his hand away, before he went to follow Betty out of the small dinner.

“What just happened?” Kevin wondered in his intrigued manner, leaning to the brunette girl for gossip.

“Something quite interesting.” Veronica smirked pleased around the straw of her chocolate milkshake.

She was drooling. She knew that she was, but really she couldn’t stop herself. It was inevitable, it was some force, it was him and that damn denim jacket. She could practically feel more than necessary amount of saliva on the apple she was chewing but she couldn’t bring herself to care, not when he was looking like that and doing the thing he loved; wavering ingenious plots and intriguing murder mysteries.

It was free period and they were at the back yard of their high school, him at their usual lunch table and her sprawled on the small concrete staircase, helping Veronica with her history paper that was due tomorrow. Well, pretending to help because for a solid half an hour now her eyes were glued to the gloomy, tall boy across her. He wasn’t aware of her intense gazing, too preoccupied with the thoughts that were running inside that marvelous mind of his, Betty smiling at how even more handsome he looked with that focused frown between his eyebrows and the occasional dart of his tongue out of his lips in deep concentration to find the right words and depict strong emotions on paper.

His beanie was straight and slightly loose on his head, his raven waves at their best behavior today and his bony cheekbones looked sharper under the rich sunrays. He had his blue denim, sheepish jacket on, the one that suited him so much and Betty loved for a lot of reasons, a blue and black flannel with no shirt underneath, just buttoned until the hollow of his neck, and a pair of black jeans and combat boots. Talk about deliciousness! Betty could hardly contain herself from attacking him all day long.

“I get it, he looks good today. Can we move on?” Veronica spoke nonchalantly, still focused on the notebook she was writing.

Betty straightened her back abruptly, snapping out of her dreamy state. “Wh-what?”

“Jug.” The other girl sighed in a tiring manner, looking up at her friend. “Everyone’s talking about it; even Reggie Mantle had a good word to say.”

“Really? What-What are they talking about?” the blonde nervously asked, trying to sound aloof but failing miserably.

“You know, that he became smocking for some reason lately, more laid back.” Veronica trailed off, now both girls examining the boy across them. “It’s true, I guess.” She shrugged; she had also noticed a change in him and she had a really good theory as to why.

“He was always good to look at.” Betty replied with a shrug herself, a lovely smile playing on her lips.

“No, he has this whole new aura around him now, like he’s getting laid or something. His shoulders got boarder, if that’s even possible.” Betty raised an eyebrow at that, holding back her tongue. He had board shoulders and Betty knew that; she had seen them and held on to them numerous times while he was stealing her breath away with sinful kisses. Maybe they faded a little in comparison because he was lean and tall but they were there and they were amazing. “You don’t get it, do you? Maybe it’s because you grew up together and you see him as more of a brother and all…” Veronica played along with the game her friend started.

The blonde chocked on her apple, dropping it unfinished inside her lunchbox. “Well, he’s my friend, yeah, but, I don’t—“ she started rambling uneasily but Veronica cut her off.

“I mean seriously” she leaned closer in a gossipy manner “was it always Archie? Never second thoughts about the broody, tortured writer with the amazing fingers?” her smirk was expectant and her words colored with girly delight.

Betty opened her mouth to respond, catching a small glimpse of him, deliciously handsome, deeply concentrated and with slender fingers twirling a pen meaningless in the air. She loved his fingers too, she always had; they were bony and slim, not holding unnecessary fat like hers. They fitted perfectly at the spaces of hers fingers, they drew amazing shapes on the skin of her waist when he was kissing her, they caressed softly the sensitive parts of her neck and dug roughly into her tanned thighs during their heated make outs. And she had a feeling they would be even more marvelous in other, more intimate parts of her, as well. Suddenly, she could feel warmth spreading all over her body.

“Um” the blonde flushed red and shot up from her seat, biting her lip and gathering her belongings in a hurry, Veronica following her with amused eyes. “I forgot I have to finish this article for the newspaper and yeah, I’ll catch up with you later.” And with that she was gone, Veronica scoffing in disbelief behind her. That little shady-lady!

Jughead was walking down the empty school corridor, fidgeting with the stripe of his cross-body bag against his chest and focusing on his phone, typing a quick text to Betty asking her about her whereabouts. He had lost her after free period and he really needed to see her pretty face, even for a moment. As his thump hovered over the send button, however, he felt a hand appearing out of nowhere and fisting his flannel, yanking him left and into some room, that appeared to be the janitor’s closet. The tall boy tripped over his long limps but gained his balance easily, but before his brain was able to register what the hell was going on a pair of lips were dancing hungrily on his.

Lovely peach flavored lip-gloss and a hint of old time classic vanilla. Ah, Betty Cooper.

“If you so desperately wanted to get me alone you could have said so, Bets.” Jughead teased her with amused eyes and a flattering heart, the girl shaking her head and shushing him with more demanding lips.

It was frenzy after that, lips smacking loudly, tongues battling hotly, sucks, nibbles, wet licks. Betty pushed urgently his jacket off his shoulders, him helping her out before getting hold of her hips and dragging them violently towards him, Betty’s waist arching deliciously and her gasp mingling with his low moan, as their centers came into contact, fire, excitement and adrenaline creating a strong liquor that both got instantly drunk from. The front of his flannel became a wrinkled ball inside her strong hold, Betty pushing him forward so for his back to collide with the wall and he flinched inside the kiss, pleasure and pain mixed together, making him bite her down lip hard, before sinking his tongue more into the galaxy of her lips. Her free hand came to mess his perfect waves, pulling and tugging and caressing until his beanie was a useless cloth next to their sneakers and his hands abandoned her waist, boldly caressing down her gorgeous behind and finding the skin at the back of her bare thighs that her brown skirt left uncovered for him to enjoy.

“Stop being that ridiculously handsome and” Betty breathed against his lips before he moved further down to deliver a hard suck against her neck that made her purr “so hot.” The words came in a pleasure filled sigh, sensing him smirk against that spot on her neck, Betty leaving a butterfly kiss next to his jawline and a playful bite.

“What’s gotten into you today?” Jughead pulled back to look at her with a smirk and shiny eyes, hands coming to rest around her neck, thumps stroking her cheeks.

“The most suitable question is what’s gotten into you!” she groaned like she was in physical pain because of how good he looked. “You walk around like this and everyone is suddenly fawning over you!” Betty leaned in again, tugging his down lip with her teeth before relishing it.

Jughead’s surprised smile brightened more his smiley eyes. “Really?” she nodded, pecking him once, him pecking her back and both yearning for more. “Wait, do you mean I have game? Nice!” he breathed in appreciation and delight and she smacked his chest playfully, earning a chuckle from him “Well, you are to blame. Apparently, being with you suits me.” He gave her that boyish smirk she loved and leaned to capture her lips in a sweet kiss this time.

“I like the sound of that.” Betty declared with a lovesick smile and pushed her chest flat to him, ready to continue their previous heavy make out before the door clicked open and the two teens jumped away from each other.

“I knew it!” Veronica’s voice cried in victory, both Jughead and Betty flushing red upon seeing her, Kevin and a dragged along by the hand Archie, staring at them with a mix of surprise, amusement and intrigue. “Boys, dig in your pockets and let me see the cash, chop chop!” Veronica demanded in her usual manner, Archie half-heartedly handing her 20 bucks and Kevin doing the same without tearing his eyes from the couple.

“You were seriously betting money on us?” Betty exclaimed in shock, straightening up her skirt and insecurely closing her arms over her chest. Jughead just looked amused while buttoning the top of his shirt that Betty’s hold and frenzied caresses had unbuttoned.

“Of course we were!” Kevin scoffed like it was the obvious. “You were acting so shady, we had to find out. My guess was drugs.” He admitted with a shrug, Betty widening her eyes at him.

Archie scratched the back of his head. “Mine was worst; internet gambling.”

Betty just sent him a “what the fuck, dude” grimace.

“Guys, seriously?” Jughead retorted in his sardonic manner. “We’re just together; simple as that.” He shared a smile with his girlfriend and intertwined their hands, bringing them to his lips to kiss the back of her hand. Veronica let a cute ‘aww’ at that.

“Sooo, now that we are at it, can you like answer some more of our questions? Like how long has this been going on, who initiated what, have you gone further than first base?” Kevin kept asking intrigued, the couple sighing in exasperation at his violation of their privacy. “Cause you might be happy and all, and we’re too, congrats guys, but our bets are going strong and I really wanna see Cheryl Blossom going down.”

Betty and Jughead turned at him in shock. That was not the reaction they were expecting.

[seattle-rpg-blog1]

sage park is a resident.

         resident | northside | computer programmer | twenty-four | genderfluid

trigger warnings (gender dysphoria)

past

Sage Park grew up under the name of Park Soobin. Their parents were first generation immigrants from South Korea, and once they settled into their new home in Delaware, they had three kids. Sage was the middle child, with an older brother and younger sister. Both of Sage’s siblings were incredibly popular growing up; their brother being very successful in school athletics and their sister, as beautiful and kind as a princess, never had any problems making friends. However, childhood for Sage was very hard. They had loving parents and their siblings never teased them too much. But they never felt right. Sage was expected to be just as girly as their little sister, who loved shopping and makeup. And some days, those things did interest Sage. But there were other days when all they wanted to do was sit on the couch and watch Top Gear with their older brother and listen to him talk about how pretty girls were with his friends. More than anything, they didn’t understand why they had to choose between one or the other. Why couldn’t they just enjoy what they chose to?

Because of this, Sage struggled to understand themself. Once they graduated high school, they went to a college out of the state, reveling in the time they had away from their family and to start understanding themself. Joining a queer club a their university was eye-opening. They realized they felt much more comfortable using pronouns that weren’t attached to a specific gender, and even felt their name that was given to them at birth to be a bit constricting. Making these changes in their life felt good, but they were still terrified to show this side of them to their family. Instead, they chose the easy way out, graduating from college with a degree in computer science and moved practically to the other side of the country. They had gotten a good job in Seattle right after college and used that as the excuse for the big move. In reality, they were terrified to explain to their parents how they truly felt and found it easier to get readjusted and comfortable with themself first.

present

While Sage was growing up, there was one thing that they didn’t need to understand themself to learn, and that was code. It started out writing MineCraft codes when they were in middle school. It spread to video games with more complicated and intense codes, and before long, they were studying how to code entire softwares. Going to college, it was a no brainer for Sage to choose computer science as their major, and the course load of their computer classes kept their mind off of things they’d rather not think about about. Now in Seattle, Sage works for a banking business, making sure their softwares and databases are up-kept and running smoothly. While they work full time at this position, Sage enjoys picking up small coding jobs here and there that are irrelevant to their work. When incredibly overwhelmed, they can be found throwing themself into their work as a way of de-stressing.

personality

Sage can be incredibly timid around people. While they have learned to completely accept themself, they are weary of letting people in in fear of not being accepted. Because of this, they give short and quiet responses to anyone they are not acquainted with. When it comes to those they are acquainted with, Sage is incredibly caring and attentive to their friends’ feelings. When it comes to their work, Sage has a tendency to be controlling, as they have become a perfectionist with their coding (even if a ‘perfect code’ never truly exists). They have trouble taking constructive criticism of their work, sometimes taking it personally when someone tries to help.

a little more…

       ❝ i got a heart and i got a soul. believe me, i will use both of them. ❞

[readysetgaikokujin]

I ever told y’all about how I fell for my husband in particular?

There’s no real written record of this. I don’t know why I want to write it out, but I did. The buildup to the moment where I fell in love with the man I was going to marry for some reason feels nice to write out right now. It’s personal, but no names are mentioned, so I don’t mind if you reblog/comment!

When I was a freshman in high school, I had this one friend who has always been and will probably always be my idea of pretty. I didn’t know this girl well AT ALL when we got to talking, because unlike everyone else in my podunk high school she had just moved to our small town at the start of freshman year... and for some reason she picked me to say hi to.

She was the color mint personified and she walked like glamour but talked like trailer trash, and she literally only owned thong underwear and knew everything there was to know about makeup, and she backtalked her mom like they were the same age and smelled like expensive perfume even during gym class, and to be honest she scared me a bit more than a little bit, but that was exciting. I don’t know why she liked me.

So anyway, it got to where we slept over regularly and we would always trade whose house we stayed at. I think I was too self-involved to see she wanted a place to get away from Friend-Mom, who sassed her own daughter in ways that made me blush. So one time she was sleeping over at mine and we rented “But I’m A Cheerleader” from Blockbuster.

I know.

I spent the whole movie confused because I was in a relationship with a bad guy at the time, and therefore felt nothing when I was with him. But around this friend of mine I had flutteries sometimes, which I attributed to wanting to actually BE her instead of wanting to be WITH her. I was in my “girly things are not for me” phase, stubbornly not doing the things I wanted to do because they were “for other girls”.

I KNOW.

So naturally I was sweating bullets next to Pretty Mint Girl while she lay on the floor nonplussed, kind of making fun of the movie at times. I barely moved throughout the whole thing, like I was scared she would find out I was a Liar if I breathed funny. Like I should convince myself I was not a Liar, but then why did I like it when my friend leaned on me with her oldest dog-smelling sweatshirt on? Only Liars have to pretend to not be Liars.

Looking back on it now, I think this was the moment I knew I wasn’t straight, but had no idea what I was besides that-- so I pushed it down. It was tough, because on top of fluttery Pretty Mint Girl feelings, I also had fluttery feelings for the tall boy whose mom brought his pet kitten in their pickup truck when she picked him up from school, and for the boy two grades ahead of me that was going to join the Army and called me ‘honey’ like he was going to protect me, and for the girl who liked Kitten Boy also and wore too much eyeliner and ran her fingers through my hair during lunch.

I KNOW.

We go to sleep, Pretty Mint Girl on the floor and me in my bed, and life moved on. We actually didn’t have too much in common, PMG and me, so we drifted over time. She was a smoker, which led to me having some bad habits later in high school, and even though I bought my first thong because of her urging, she was too intense for me. I don’t know when I realized I wasn’t thinking of her anymore. I had applied for the dance elective to hang out with her when we had been friends, but by the time the new semester rolled around, we weren’t talking a lot and we were placed in separate dance classes.

Most of the girls in dance elective knew each other because they also took dance classes from the local studio. Or they were there to goof off. But one girl, Serious Girl, was there to learn and didn’t seem to have just one clique or group. She moved around talking to everyone.

Around this time was when I became friends with Hubs. He was in a sad relationship with an older girl. I was still in a bad relationship with a homeschooled kid. We were both really into writing long notes detailing our thoughts, and he became one of my best friends really quickly even though he was mad popular and had more people to talk to besides me. Sometimes we would go days without seeing each other, but our conversations when we did talk were always really deep and fulfilling. I wanted to tell him what I was thinking, I really did. But I could never write it down, even though our notes talked about everything else under the sun. Plus his girlfriend kind of scared me.

I wanted to talk to someone, anyone, about how different two girls could be even while making me feel the same way. Pretty Mint Girl had been explosive and wild, and I had liked being near her because it was better than catching an ember in the eye from standing on the outskirts. She knew what she liked about herself and flaunted it happily, very proud of all things girly and pretty and glitz, and made me want to be more. Serious Girl was like a cool drink from a water fountain-- she seemed necessary, but not glamorous, and that was refreshing. She was taller than me, intense, and a complete dork. She also looked like a model, but unlike PMG she didn’t know much about playing that up.

I KNOOOOOW...

And a small part of me knew then. Kind of. Not in so many words. I remember thinking, “I’m going to try it. Let’s see which feelings are the Liars.”

I was gearing up to ask Serious Girl out (which... I didn’t have a car, or money, or a mom who would let me stay out after dark, so I don’t know what that meant, but boy howdy I was going to do it) when I overheard her and another group chatting about our school’s loudest attention-seeker. Everyone was dressing for class, and I was in the corner like always.

“Did you hear that ----- says she’s bi now?”

“What even is that?”

“You sometimes kiss girls.”

“So a lesbian in denial?”

“Yeah. Just like she said she was related to the Smallville actress,” SG said. “Liar.”

“She’s dating a girl at another school.”

“That’s disgusting,” SG said. “People like that...”

... 

... 

... I know.

I didn’t ask her out.

I didn’t think about her, or Pretty Mint Girl, at all. In fact, I began to push away other close female friends who felt too Comfortable.

I kissed the guy who called me ‘honey’, and he would have called me every day and written me letters from basic had I felt something when our lips touched. I kissed a friend of mine who other girls wanted to date, whose binders of printed-at-the-library original erotica I edited for grammar mistakes during chemistry class, and he would have dated me for a little while had I felt something when our lips touched. I kissed a boy I thought was dumb, because he looked like Kitten Boy, but he was only half as nice and would never have done anything for me even if I had felt something when our lips touched.

Life moved on. I broke up with Homeschool after he told me that girls who like girls AND boys just double the chances of cheating on their partner. I got a bit emo and I wrote a lot of stories about girls falling through dimensions and fighting their way home. I went on field trips to the water treatment plant and the rec center, and I participated in School Spirit Week. I did homework. I stayed almost every weekend with my one best friend who knew me too well to let me push her away when things got too Comfortable, because her mom didn’t ask questions and ordered me crab rangoon and we could play videogames until our thumbs hurt. And slowly, flutteries came back.

I started to realize that I thought of Hubs all the time, every day, sometimes for hours a day.

We talked more now. So much so that his girlfriend started to try to edge me out. Hubs told me to ignore her, that he liked me just fine, that she was weird to do that to his friend. I used my friend’s cell phone to text him, then to try to flirt with him. He flirted back, but I was convinced it was just his personality. Guys or girls, he always responded as saucily as possible, unless it was a serious topic that we had outlined deserved serious answers. He listened to me. Not just that, but he advised, or distracted, or joked depending on what I said I needed. That’s what best friends do, I realize, but then he broke up his girlfriend.

Our notes changed in tone. He told me how he felt around me, but never asked me out. He hinted, tentative, and I chased. He was on another level than me: whereas I was looking inward he was always thinking of others. He was extroverted, wild, compassionate, and I could NOT track him worth a damn. But for some reason he called me during his work breaks, wrote me notes during History, and drove me to the gas station to get drinks cups full of M&Ms during lunch. He skipped school, but brought me back Oreos. He slept in class, but helped me study. He was a bit of a bad boy, in the nicest way.

I decided to skip school with him and some of his friends and one of my friends. We went to the state fair. His friend, let’s call him Dead Tooth, was a player despite literally having a dead tooth. Hubs watched him watch me, but didn’t say anything. I think he worried I would be angry, in a romance-novel-esque “I can take care of myself” way. I would have been; I was stubborn. But knowing Hubs had my back should something happen was a confidence boost. I flirted with Hubs, who responded like he always did.

The girl I was with pulled me aside and confessed she liked Hubs. I offered to back off with the flirting, told her we were just friends, and she waved me away as she smoked.

“No, go for it,” she said. “He’s into you. Go for it.”

I didn’t, but Dead Tooth did. We were all in a group getting airbrush tattoos  with glitter when he caught me and surprised me with a kiss. I expressed surprise, told him not to do that again.

Hubs said nothing, just pulled me to his side and caught my hand. He didn’t let go for the rest of the day, and when I asked him about why, he told me that he didn’t like that Dead Tooh had done that. He said Dead Tooth had done it to get to him. I half-jokingly told him he could kiss me too, if he wanted. He leaned over and immediately kissed my cheek.

Flutteries. Crazy flutteries.

The ride home, he sat me by the window while Dead Tooth drove, putting himself in the middle. The next day at school, he avoided me during lunch. Later that week, I wrote him a note that I wanted to skip school with him again. Maybe with just him. He told me in another note passed back during lunch, “I don’t know that we should be alone together. We can skip school if you bring someone else.”

I did. He kissed me anyway, and it tasted like my bubblegum lipgloss.

Months later, after he’d asked me out in his bedroom with both of us laying on his bed staring up at his walls that were painted rich, bright green, we started to talk about getting kinda physical. What did we like, what was okay, what had we done before, all of that fun communicative stuff. And it ate at me. I could tell him everything, but I had never told anyone out loud how I’d had flutteries for girls. Not just one girl either. I knew it was me. I was defective. From the moment I used google to look up “can girls kiss each other”, to the moment when I begged my best friend to dare another girl to kiss me at a sleepover, to the moment when I bought my first thong with Pretty Mint Girl--

I know.

So I told him. We went to see a movie, then afterwards we drove to the local park to make out, and I couldn’t wait to tell him. It was dark, intimate in a confining sort of way in the cab of his messy pickup truck, and I focused on the silly fuzzy dice he had hanging from his rearview while I talked. Couldn’t look at him. I literally could only choke out, “I don’t... think... I’m straight.” And then tears came. I geared up almost like it was a breakup waiting to happen, because I thought he would end it right there. I wasn’t just telling him that I wasn’t straight, I was admitting that I never had been. I was not who he’d thought, I was going to someday discover that I had no interest in men, I was a hopeless ex waiting to happen.

Laying kind of on his lap, the stick shift biting into my side as I cried, I remember him lightly petting me. It reminded me of the way someone pets an animal they are trying not to scare off.

“We don’t have to talk about it now,” he said. “But I don’t believe anybody is 100% straight.” He paused, then asked, “Do you care about me?”

I nodded.

“Want to keep dating me?”

Nod.

“Then that’s what’s important.”

His voice was tight, like he was uncomfortable at the situation, but his hand was on my head and he was trying his best to reassure me. He wasn’t angry. He didn’t accuse me, or ask me if I would cheat on him. He didn’t light up as if this was his own personal chance at a fetish. He was uncomfortable because as a teenager, he didn’t know how to tell another teenager more than ‘you are not abnormal’. But when he said that, it helped. It was enough, and it was comforting.

And thanks to that moment where he wanted to be sure I knew I was okay, a moment I would appreciate even if I hadn’t fallen in love with him...

I really do know.

[niksterisms]

February 3rd 2017 marks a day in AFL history that I am super proud to see take place. The first official women’s AFL match will happen. Better late than never, a little late for me I’m afraid but I am excited for these young ladies about to embark on an adventure of a lifetime that was only a dream for me.

For those who know me well, I have grown up around AFL. When I was born my dad worked at St. Albans FC in Melbourne’s west, then when I was 11 he began working for the Melbourne Football Club. A dream come true for him and me! Suddenly my dad was a big deal! (He still is in my eyes today, even though he’s now retired after 25 years with the MFC.

I’ve grown up with a football in my hand and it’s safe to say it has always been my preferred toy of choice. I learned to kick the footy from an early age and showed no fear taking grabs or running from would be tacklers.

In between the reserves and senior matches you would see me out on the ground kicking the footy either with my mum, cousin, uncle, aunt or by myself. It didn’t really bother me if there was someone to kick to or not! I didn’t really have too many shots on goal because usually the bigger kids would occupy the area so I would head over to the wing where there was plenty of room to kick the ball as hard as I could. At home I would kick the ball about in our backyard. It was the best way to learn accuracy because having to jump the fence to collect the ball was scary (the neighbours weren’t so nice).

I was pretty good at most sports with the exception of swimming and gymnastics, so when it came to PE classes in both primary school and high school I was either the captain of a team or one of the first girls picked. When you are captain and you have to make good sporting decisions to give your team an advantage, quite often it can piss off your friends! That was a nice hard lesson to learn early on. Netball was the first real sport I played in competition starting at wing attack and eventually becoming the centre – keeping me as far away from the goals as possible!

When I was 10 years old and in grade 5 we could start participating in inter school sports. I loved this. I played kanga cricket and kick ball. I was also lucky enough to be given the chance to play my favourite sport in the world Aussie Rules Football. Now, in Aussie culture that’s not such a big deal, but it was when you are a girl, because Aussie Rules is meant to be a man’s sport. There was two of us girls who fronted up to the meeting to sign up to play for the blue and white deer park primary school footy team. I’m proud to say we represented the girls well, we were the team’s secret weapons. It didn’t come without a few comments of girls can’t play football, why aren’t you playing netball instead? Ironically I was playing netball also, outside of school!

One particular game, I admit, I was having a really bad game. I got dragged off the field and the coach yelled at me and told me I was playing like a girl. At the time I was so incensed about being told I was, god forbid, playing like a girl. It struck a chord with me at the time because after half time I went back out on the field and played like a girl possessed. I kicked goals, I took marks and I even tackled the opposition ruckman and threw him to the ground and made him cry! (Which, in hindsight shouldn’t have been something to be proud about). I ended up best on ground.

I look back on that today and I think I was more incensed about being told I was playing football like the weaker of the sexes, when I knew I could play just as well, if not better than any boy in the team. I really disliked being made to be different to the boys.

Around the same time as my football career was blossoming, my girly features were also coming into bloom. What a nightmare time that is for kids, as they are slowly morphing into mini adults. I, for one, was not amused by this sudden change (and I still blame my mother for the birds and the bees talk we had not 6 months prior!) Which in turn meant any promising AFL career I had my heart set on was put on ice… or hidden behind a trainee bra. So, instead I became a boundary umpire for my cousin’s under 15 / 16 footy team. When you’re 11, trying to run the boundary line in footy boots and a white pleated netball skirt in the mud a fair bit was challenging and 15 year olds can kick the ball a mile! A few times I didn’t quite make it to see if the ball was out on the full or just out of bounds which opened up a loophole for the boys to yell out that I was a stupid girl who shouldn’t be partaking in any part of football. One day my cousin stood up for me and told a team mate to shut his mouth because I was actually a better kick of the footy than he was.

My high school years coincided with dad becoming a trainer at the Melbourne Football Club. The horror of high school was counteracted by the excitement of my dad rubbing shoulders (and backs & legs) of famous footballers. And for our family’s team we followed too! Occasionally I was driven to training after school by my grandad to Junction Oval and when I got older I would catch a train in and get a lift home with dad. I’d sit there and watch the players go through their drills, taking it all in. After training I would get out and kick the footy. Developed a crush or two along the way... Sorry Matt Febey! Jeff Farmer wanted me to become the first girl to play for the MFC (I’m still waiting for my contract offer Jeff!) I became good friends with Russell Robertson and got to hang out with players at so many events outside of football. Those were the days… Anyway I digress, each time I watched a game or kicked the footy at training how I wished I could take part in playing football. Year 11 was the beginning of VCE & as part of our English subject we were asked to do a communication project. I chose to arrange a football clinic for my high school mates and the primary school kids up the road. I had to go into Junction oval and ask Neil Balme who was the coach at the time, by myself, if I was allowed to ask some of the Melbourne players if they would like to host the clinic. Neil was lovely and said of course. It was a bit naughty because the west was always the area the Western Bulldogs roamed. I nominated Allen Jakovich as the main player to attend because all the girls had a crush on him. Alas, he pulled out at the last minute and David Neitz stepped in along with Daniel Clarke & Damien Gaspar. I think they were amongst the tallest players at the club! It was nice getting an A+ for an assignment I had so much fun organising.

We would kick the football at lunch time with the girls v the boys. Always made for giggles. In year 12 I was approached by my English teacher from the year before, who was a huge Bombers supporter, who asked if I would be interested in helping put together a girl’s AFL team. She had heard there was a girl’s competition amongst the local schools and she thought it would be great to participate. I agreed, so I went on a recruitment drive. We couldn’t get enough girls from the senior levels so we opened it up to the entire 7-12 year levels. We arranged for the trials and training to take place at the junior campus of the school so the young kids didn’t have to travel so far. We had a pretty good turn out. I was in charge of the training drills and we really had to start at the basics because quite a few of the girls did not know how to kick or handball. We worked through handball drills, short kicks, gradually getting longer, marking, running and bouncing the ball, shots on goal, defending, etc. By the time game day came around these girls had their position and skills down pat. It was the first time the school had ever had an all girl’s AFL team and the first (from memory) when it involved people from all school levels.

Game day consisted of a round robin competition. I was the captain of our team and played in the midfield. We won every game with the exception of the last that we lost by 1 point after the siren. The games were intense and fun, the wind was blowing a gale too. I managed to kick a goal from the boundary line just inside 50! Not bad considering I wasn’t wearing my glasses and didn’t have contact lenses at the time.

That day would have to have been my favourite day of high school ever. Our girl’s team ended up being the most successful sporting team that year and we could’ve become state champions, had the PE coordinator not declined the offer on our behalf without consulting us or our coach purely because he didn’t agree that girl’s should play AFL. (I protested this with our principal and we were asked to play at a later date but it clashed with our final exams). It really did put a downer on our success with the team. It was the first time I recall being angry that a man was denying the girls the chance to play football after we proved that we could play it and play it well.

Our football adventures even lead to them being mentioned in my letter of recommendation from the principal. Something of which I am super proud of.

After high school life changes happened, I ended up living in Queensland for seven years. I was planning on joining the women’s AFL team in Maroochydore but I was working in a restaurant and the hours clashed with training and match day commitments. So my dream of playing AFL was put on hold indefinitely and became nothing but a dream.

So as this day approaches I cannot describe how excited and proud I am that the Melbourne Football Club along with the Western Bulldogs, Carlton, Collingwood, Fremantle, Adelaide, Brisbane & GWS Football Clubs are about to make history with the first season of Women’s football professionally and recognised by the AFL. So many dreams are about to be fulfilled and so many more dreams are about to be created. I cannot wait to get out to the games and cheer the girls on, and although my heart belongs to the demons, I hope all the teams in the competition have successful campaigns and the girls have the times of their lives.

[liw-the-melancholic-apple]

How it may have gone - Humble Beginnings

A fic taking place in the marauders era. While the political climate seems to head to a conflict, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter are still just teenagers. Dealing with typical teenage problems.

But this year their little group grows. Who would have known that more prefects would be a good thing?

Masterlist

Five: December III

I had gotten off the nightshift on a Monday and only existed physically that Tuesday morning. My state was even worse than that fateful Saturday in November. Was I aware that people were around me and that they talked? Yes. But that was it.

“Jette!” I jumped.

“Yeah?”

“Please, drink the coffee. I’m afraid that you’re gonna die otherwise.” Was that Chloe’s voice? Chloe’s hand held a giant mug in front of my face. I was still contemplating whether I had the energy to reach for it, when another hand took it from Chloe. As I was not capable of moving my head to my left I had no idea who had stolen my coffee. There was a scent of leather and citrus, though.

“You know you have to go to classes, right?” Oh, leather and citrus, of course that meant Black.

“Huh.”

“I still got that pepper-up potion, if you want it.” He chuted a little closer and spoke into my ear:  “I think you’d want to be up and awake, Goods, I got something to tell you.” His voice was a lot lower than normal. It suited him.

“Wha?”

He sighed. Then my coffee reappeared in front of my face.

“Just drink that.” I did. The listening and talking had made me even more tired and I needed caffeine. The first gulp I took was huge and wonderful. It warmed me up from the inside out, made me sit up straight, let the white noise become actual conversations around me and had me open my eyes fully. The second big gulp took away all residue of exhaustion. I felt amazing. I felt great. I felt like I could take on the world. It was wonderful.

“Black!”, I yelled in my most aggressive voice.

“Yes, dear?”, he chirped back, sliding across the bench away as far as possible.

“Did you just drug me?” A lot of heads turned our way and Potter, who sat on the other side of the table casually pointed at my coffee mug and then at my messy hair and prefect badge. That was enough for most of the heads to turn back to their breakfast.

Black kept his distance but dared to smirk at me.

“Technically, I didn’t. Pepper-up potion is not considered a healing treatment and it’s not on the list of explicitly forbidden potions to be taken on the premises or in classes. So, I wanna say: No, I did not drug you.” I whacked him over the head with Nica’s Daily Prophet.

“Are there any side effects  to this thing?” Black shook his head. I looked at Remus. He shook his head.

“Ugh, thank you, then”, I said through my teeth. “I feel a lot better.”

“I’m here all week”, Black answered, closing the distance between us. “Can you please, eat something, so you don’t faint, have another cup of coffee and then run outside with me?” He wiggled around on the wooden bench and played with one of the spoons.

“What’s with you?” I reached for the scones and the apple syrup.

“I have something very interesting to tell you and I’d rather do it without your best friend present…”

“Ouh!”, I shouted way too loud and Black nodded. “Ouh!”, I made again and stuffed my face with two scones as quickly as possible. I grabbed a banana off the table to throw in my bag and got up. Black had already excused himself and left.

“Folks, that potion got me all energised, I can’t sit still. Meet me outside in a bit?”

“Sure!”

I accented my rushing to and out the door and turned to the foyer. Black leaned against one of the winged boars on the first step outside the doors.

“Finally!”

“Tell. Me. Everything!”

He took my arm and dragged me to our passage And out of the snow, already talking.

“Okay, so it’s nothing super huge but it’s news.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, spill it!”

“So, yesterday evening I can’t sleep and I go down to the common room thinking I just read a bit and then fall asleep there, right? But I haven’t even sat down and I hear a door and I hear steps and down walks Remus, right?”

“Right.”

“He sits down next to me and looks at me and he goes ‘Can’t sleep either?’ and I go ‘ Nah, can’t sleep.’ Right? And he asks me whether I’m thinking about Slughorn’s party. And I wasn’t but he didn’t want me to answer anyway, so I didn’t say anything, right? And just like I thought he just starts talking!” Black had to stop and breathe for a moment as he said all of that in pretty much one go.

“Okay, let me not be a twelve-year-old-girl about this. I’m Sirius Black. I don’t get girly.”

“By all means, take your time”, I laughed.

“Point is: Remus was thinking about Slughorn’s party and that’s why he couldn’t sleep. I asked him why that thing would make him lose sleep. He’s been to that party ever since second year. And he says that he was thinking about the fact that both, James and Peter had dates for the party – thanks again for that – and he didn’t.”

“You don’t either, do you?”

“No, but that’s no news. I don’t do dates.”

“Right, sorry. Continue. Remus was thinking he needed a date.”

“No, Remus said he was thinking that he needed a date. Look, he came up with a whole story about being the odd one out and the one nobody wanted.”

“Oh, Remus. He isn’t the odd one out.”

“That’s what I thought, too. At first. But then he got into how Peter was going with you and James was going with Nica and how I would probably end up hanging out with you girls and if I thought he could ask one of the other two, or if that would be weird.”

“Ahhhh”

“Ahh is right. Of course, I said that it wouldn’t be weird and that Blair would probably be delighted to be asked out.”

“She would”, I got sidetracked for a second and gave him an intense look to make him ask her but he ignored that.

“That was not what he wanted to hear. Obviously he wanted to ask Milla, right? So, he asked me if Blair came to my mind because Milla had some hot date nobody had told him about. And he wanted to sound casual and only mildly offended but there was panic in his voice. Panic, Goods!” His eyes widened and he gave me the brightest smile I’d ever seen him wear.

“You know what that means,  right? He’s into her!”

“Sounds like it, yeah”, I grinned. “Now if we only could get him to ask Milla out…”

“Would she say yes?”

“I reckon she would.”

“This is so great!”

“I didn’t know that you were such a softie and romantic, Black.”

“Full of surprises, Goods, full of surprises”, he smirked, back to his mysterious heartbreaking ways.

“If you were not going to the Slug Party with Peter, I’d think you two were planning a date!”, Potter had crept up on us, his friends and mine in tow.

“Well, isn’t it funny you should say that?”, Black answered lighting Potter’s fag.

While those two got into discussing my secret talks with Black my attention went to Remus and Milla who found themselves standing next to one another once again, smiling and joking and flirting in that awkward manner that only they could manage. Milla saw me look over and stuck out her tongue. I was going to say something but a waving hand and blond curls distracted me. Never before had Crick joined our after-meal-dates. But there’s a first time for everything.

We greeted him and then all just stared at him, waiting to hear why he had followed us.

“Tea, can I talk to you, for a second?”, he asked after a weird quiet moment. I let him lead me quite a bit away from the rest of my friends.

“Toby and I were just talking about the Christmas Party”, he started when we stood at the other end of the passage. “ And I wanted to know whether you girls are gonna show up in a pack again or whether you need some gentleman to accompany you.”

“Oh, how sweet. Thanks, Crick! But I’m well taken care of.”

“Girls’ night?”

“No. I’m going with Pettigrew, actually.”

“Sorry?!”

“He didn’t get invited. Potter is taking Nica, so she can come, Chloe goes with Mag and I’m taking Pettigrew. That way we’ll all be there.”

“You’re too good of a person. Don’t let him take advantage of that!”

“I honestly don’t think he will.” We stood in silence a bit.

“You’re still going stag, then?”

“Looks like it.”

“Crick, would you maybe take Blair?”

“What?”

“She seems insecure, lately. Maybe it’s beause Chloe, Nica and I have a date to the party – however platonic – and Milla is this close to dating Remus. I haven’t talked to her yet but I think getting to go out with one of the most handsome guys in school would give her a boost.” I bit my lip while waiting for his answer. He didn’t give me one. Instead he walked back to the group and left me standing alone. When I ran after him I heard him explain that he had talked to me about Felix. Liar. He participated in the conversation for a bit and then turned to Blair.

“Blair, you’re going to Slug’s Party, right?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Do you insist on going alone or would you do me the honours of letting me take you?”

“Are you serious?”, she asked back.

“No, that’s him”, Pettigrew cut in and earned some smiles.

“Of course I am. What d’you think?”

“Sounds like fun.” Blair said a little faster than usual and blushed the tiniest bit. I could already tell that she would be happy and bouncy all day long. Crick was a good lad.

“Thank you. Thank you very much”, I whispered when he walked back to the castle for first period.

In the foyer I had Black assure me again that there would be no side-effects to the potion he had slipped me, then we parted ways.

The dungeons were as gloomy as ever, when we arrived for potions. Slughorn instructed us to turn to page 217 of our books and brew him a batch of Instaurabo-Juice. According to the textbook if brewed correctly the potion would be able to heal small and superficial injuries to the skin.

I partnered with Chloe and prepared the cauldron and the fire while she collected the ingredients. Potions was not my thing. I was a lot better at Charms and Defence against the Dark Arts. For some reason the science behind the brewing of potions was too much for me. It was all too precise. Chloe didn’t mind any of this and usually took care of the actual brewing while I prepared the roots and beasts to throw into the cauldron.

Once I had my violet flame going I filled the cauldron to a third with ice cold water and put it on the fire. Chloe gave me a nod and I started chopping up the mint leaves. Slowly but steadily I worked my way through arnica roots, Himalayan salt, cactus fig, silkworms, narcilan (which looked like ginger), garlic cloves, giant butterflies and fire ants. I chopped, cut, pulverised, quartered and strained, while Chloe grabbed what she needed, gingerly placed it in the water, moved her wand counterclockwise, clockwise and up and down and stirred the potion every now and then.

Halfway through the class I took a look at our cauldron, which now bubbled very happily in a pretty pale blue colour. According to my book this was absolutely right. After Chloe put in the twentythree fire ants one by one our Juice turned gelatinous. The instructions said to let it simmer for twenty minutes on a yellow flame. I pulled out my wand for the second time this class, charmed the flame into a yellow, cooler version of itself and turned to Chloe who was already checking with Milla and Joe and Blair and Nica. Milla signalled that she would need two more minutes, while Blair and Nica came over immediately.

“This weekend is Hogsmeade!”, Nica chirped. “Are we gonna go dress shopping or what?”

“I intended to wait for Milla to discuss that”, Chloe answered.

“Milla says we go dress shopping.” Milla had walked up and left Joe in charge of her potion.

“I need one anyways, I don’t think I have one.”

“What did you wear last year?”, Nica wanted to know.

“Pantsuit of my mums.”

“Why not wear it again this year?” Milla shot me an annoyed look. She had purposefully avoided me since I watched her and Remus in the courtyard.

“I’ve heard one shouldn’t recycle one’s outfits”, she snapped.

“What about you then, Jette, Chloe, Blair?”

“Sure, why not?”

We decided to have an early breakfast on Saturday morning and head to the village right after. There would be a lot of girls who wanted to get a dress that weekend and we wanted to be the first in our favourite shop. We had discovered it on our second ever weekend to Hogsmeade and fallen in love with it right away. It carried clothes that weren’t in style or trendy and it had everything from jeans to haute couture. The most amazing things.

And although there weren’t normally more than three other girls in the shop besides us, we knew that when it came to formal wear most girls would go there. 

Getting up on a Saturday at six in the morning was not my idea of fun. I moaned and groaned and cussed while I took a shower, brushed my teeth and got dressed, but I made it to the common room by half past six. Breakfast was served from seven o’clock onwards and we had decided to be the first in the Great Hall and the first out the door.

The half hour in the common room was supposed to be spent on planning what we wanted to get and which options we had after Warrington’s Whimsical Wardrobes didn’t provide all five of us with a perfect dress.

We all wrote lists of what we thought we needed – dress, shoes, tights, accessories – and jotted down a couple of notes on style or colour because we knew that the employees of WWW knew how to work  with those. At seven o’ clock sharp we stood in front of the doors of the Great Hall and watched how they opened for the first time that day. We were the only Hufflepuffs who had decided to get up this early, and, like on the mornings after my nightshifts, most other students who were present were first and second years who hadn’t discovered the beauty of sleep yet.

We all went for a quick breakfast of coffee and tea with marmalade toast but stuffed our bags with muffins, scones and raisin rolls. It took us less than fifteen minutes to leave the House table and report to Mr Filch to leave the grounds. He rolled his eyes at our giggling but let us go right away. We crossed the grounds, passed Hagrid’s hut, the greenhouses and the black lake, then reached the giant iron gates with the winged boars that cut Hogwarts off from the rest of the world.

From there we turned right and followed the badly maintained road that took us through a small forest and to the west of Hogsmeade. The landscape around us looked like a set for a Christmas film. White untouched snow on the ground, the few buildings we could see and the treetops. The sun was shining and made everything glisten and shine and we even spotted a family of deer on one of the fields. It was idyllic.

Snacking on our scones we arrived in the village. Hogwarts lay to its West but WWW was in the South-East. After the forty minute walk we were all longing for something to drink and since we knew that we would come past the Broomsticks we popped in very quickly got some pumpkin-juice bottles to take with us. Another ten minutes later we stood in front of Warrington’s Whimsical Wardrobes.

The building was one of the original houses and looked like it came straight out of a muggle fairytale. On the inside it was all white walls and ebony beams behind shelves or cupboards and tables made from dark wood. All the furniture was overflowing with robes, trousers and jumpers while the tallest wall in the back of the shop was decorated with layers and layers of dressrobes and dresses.

Dionysus Warrington scurried towards us through the mountains of clothes. “Ladies, ladies, you are so early!” He came to a halt in front of us, his giant strawberry blond moustache bobbing up and down.

“Good Morning, Mr Warrington”, Blair said extending her hand

“How often do I have to tell you to call me Dionysus, Blair? Or Dio?” His furry eyebrows met at the root of nose and he had raised his index finger at her.

“I’m sorry, Dionysus. Old habits…”

“How can I help you ladies this beautiful morning?”

“Well, Dio, Professor Slughorn’s Christmas party is next weekend”, Nica answered.

“Oh, and you were hoping that old Dio had some lovely dresses for you gorgeous lot?”

“Exactly”, Blair laughed.

Dio called for his employees, two women of his age and a young man probably in his twenties.

“Now, Gerda why don’t you help out Miss Blair, Trudy you take on Miss Nica, Blake will find Miss Chloe a dress and you two”, he pointed at Milla and me “will be all mine. Lists!” We all handed our parchments to our respective dressfinders and were complimented on being well prepared. My personal opinion was that we had just been trained well by Dio and Gerda over the last years. But I kept that to myself.

“Non-girly pink? Care to explain that to me Milla?” Dio gestured at two arm chairs and we plummeted into them.

“You see, I’d love something pink but I would like to not look like a four-year-old.” We answered a couple of questions about our wishes and then were treated to a cup of tea while Dio looked through his giant wall of dresses. On the other side of the wall Nica and Chloe sat in their own chairs while Blake got them tea and Trudy studied the wall. Blair and Gerda were nowhere to be seen.

When Dio came back he was hidden behind a mountain of dresses.

“To the dressing rooms, ladies”, he huffed and led the way.

Milla was drowned in some pale pink floor length dresses and a bit of pale purple. I was given a lot of black.

“Dio, I know that my list says simple and dark, but these all look a bit too funeral for me”, I shyly said.

“Thought you’d say that! Try this one first.”

He handed me a dark grey dress with a thin burgundy checker pattern on it. It was a mini cocktail dress that hit me just above the knees and came with a matching bolero. I instantly loved it. It was my colours elevated to Slughorn Party level.

“Dio you’re a genius!”, I screamed and jumped at him. “This is amazing! Please tell me that I can afford it!” Dio laughed his guttural sealion laugh. “Of course you can afford it, dear. Just put it back on the hanger and I’ll check you out when Milla is done, too.”

This was one of the best shopping experiences I had ever had. The first dress I tried on was the one I fell in love with. If only everything could be this easy.

Milla still sorted through her dresses.

“What about the lilac one?”, I asked watching her. One of the dresses in her pile was a very pale lilac and made out of satin. It was a structured minidress, looked like it would be very tight and too grown-up to remind anyone of a barbiedoll. Besides, I thought to myself, it would look amazing with her light blond hair and blue eyes.

Milla put it on her try-on-pile together with a powderpink long dress and a white one with pink flowers on it. Then she shooed me away.

Nica was trying on a wrap dress in mint green with a paisley pattern that made her eyes pop like I had never seen before. I gave her a huge smile and thumbs up but she waved her hand.

“It’s not sexy enough!”

Chloe looked at two dresses in the exact same shape, one being champagne in colour, the other gold. Both of them looked like she could walk a red carpet in them. She told me that she hadn’t tried them on yet, because she couldn’t decide which one she liked better.

“Start with this one”, said Blake and handed her the gold. “I think you’ll end up wanting the champagne one, so start with the gold so you can be sure of the other one.” He ordered her into the dressing room and she rolled her eyes while waving at me.

“Would you mind coming with me for a minute?” I hadn’t even noticed that Gerda stood next to me.

“Of course. What’s up?”

“Miss Blair doesn’t want to come out of the dressing room… I think she might be crying. I’ve raised three sons”, she nodded in Blake’s direction. “and I can talk to customers about insecurities but I have no idea how to talk to fifteen year old girls. Could you try?” Her narrow eyes begged me to help her out and I followed her to the very last dressing room.

She was right. Blair was crying. I could hear her sniffle behind the purple curtain.

“Blair? Are you alright, love?” No answer, only more sniffling.

“Okay I’m coming in there.”

I pulled the curtain back a bit and stepped into the spacious little room. To my left there hung a lot of beautiful floorlength flowy dresses, reminiscent of the flower power movement. To the right I saw Blairs jacket and her jumper and jeans hanging on the hooks. Right in front of me was the big mirror and in the right hand corner on the little wooden stomp sat Blair, her head in her hands, long dirty blond hair covering her face. She was in her underwear, a red dress lying on the floor.

“Love, what’s up?” I crouched in front of her.

“Take an educated guess!”, she hissed which was very unlike her. I thought for a second. I didn’t want to upset her more.

“It looks like that dress did something to you”, I said slowly. Her head shot up and I saw the traces that her tears had drawn in her make up. I reached out to hug her but she slapped my arms away.

“Why did I even agree to come?!”, she shouted. Again this was very unlike her. Even when she was annoyed she wouldn’t raise her voice.

“What do you mean, Blair?”

“I knew I would freak out as soon as I had to try on these stupid gowns! Especially, next to all of you stickthin dreamgirls!” She kicked the red dress further away and buried her head in her hands again.

I watched her as I processed what she had just said. I wouldn’t describe any of us as stick thin. Milla and Nica were athletic. All the rigorous quidditch training Sian put them through had defined every muscle in their bodies. Just last night I had complained about the fact that Nica had a very defined six-pack although she never explicitly trained her abs.

Chloe and I weren’t as athletic but we were indeed both on the smaller side when it came to clothes sizes. The four of us would raid each other’s wardrobes regularly when we felt that we had nothing to wear.

Blair never joined in that fun. She was by no means overweight but she did weigh more than we did and probably wore clothes two sizes bigger than ours. I never thought that this bothered her. Personally, I had never thought about the differences in our appearances. I loved Blair, whether she had wider hips than me, or not. But apparently, for her the differences in how we looked were a huge deal.

“Blair”, I started. “I had no idea that… Why would you feel bad trying on dresses?”

“Are you joking? I look ridiculous next to you!”

“No, you don’t.” I grabbed the red dress from the floor and held it up. “None of us could wear this dress, d’you realise that?” She rolled her eyes at me. “I mean it, Blair. None of us have the boobs to fill this neckline out. We’ d either look like little boys or run around with our tits out all evening.” I earned the smallest of smiles.

“But you actually have a chest. I bet you’ll look like a goddamn sexbomb in a neckline like this.”

I moved over to the other dresses and found one in midnight blue. It, too, had a deep V-neck but other than the red one it also had puff sleeves and a beautiful golden belt at the waist. The skirt was a-lined and had a single golden threat woven through it.

“Or this one! Really! I love how it looks but I could never wear it.” Blair rolled her eyes at me.

“Yes you could and you’d look great.” She still sounded very defeated.

“No, I wouldn’t. And I’ll prove it to you. Go get a cup of tea and I’ll try this one on.”

“It’ll be way too big for you.” Blair was close to crying again.

“Then, I’ll ask Gerda to find it in my size.” I pushed her out of the dressing room and into a chair. Gerda instantly came running to us and asked if she could do anything for us. I told her what we needed and she bustled about at the wall of dressrobes.

It didn’t take her long to find the dress and while Blair seemed to calm down slurping her tea, I took of my jeans, jumper and scarf again. The dress was absolutely gorgeous. But when I stepped back out behind the curtain I felt very uncomfortable. Blair screamed laughing when she saw that I had to hold up the dress with both hands and it still revealed my bra.

“Now you try it!”, I demanded, hoping to use the momentum of positivity. And she did.

“Blair, I told you! You look like one of these girls who only have to bat their eyes in order to be bought diamonds!”, I yelled ecstatically and I saw her smile.

“It looks better on me than you”, she admitted.

“Finally!”

Gerda padded me on the back and mouthed a thank you, while offering me another cup of tea.

“What would you like to do, dear”, she then asked Blair.

“I’d like to buy this dress, Gerda. It makes me feel good. Let’s not ruin that by trying other gowns.”

“As you wish!”

We both changed into our own clothes again. When I was putting on my shoes, Blair pulled back the curtains. “Jette?”

“Huh?”

“Can we not tell the others about my breaking down in here?” Her eyes were enormous.

“Sure. My lips are sealed.”

She hugged me tightly and for a long time, then I got to lace up my black boots.

We all had gotten our dresses for the party at Warrington’s, thanked Dio once more and left the shop before anybody else had entered it.

Blair was fairly happy for the rest of the day that we spent shopping for shoes, necklaces and Christmas gifts for our families.

[ladimelanina]

There's Hurt and Pain Around My Beautiful Dark Skin

God told me to write this. She said, “You’re entering the next stage in your life and you won’t be able to bring this shit with you.  You have important work to do and this baggage will only continue to hold you back from your purpose.”

To those I’m speaking of: I’m not sorry if the way I remember your behavior offends you.  These are my memories and my truth from my perspective.  If I’m fucked up, broken and dysfunctional it’s because of you, but I allowed it.  And being aware of that,  it is now on me to change it - to heal it.  

Be aware of the internal, psychological, spiritual, and emotional damage you may be causing someone.  It’s way more than “kids having harmless fun.”  Don’t teach your kids that stupid shit.  #sorrynotsorry

All I ever hear these days is how beautiful and rich my complexion is.  It was odd to me at first, especially coming from Black people.  White people and foreigners have always found me beautiful but with my people, it was like NOW they wanted to be around me BECAUSE of my dark skin when, before college, it had basically been a “black people repellent”.  I was in the twilight zone so I couldn’t always tell if they were fucking with me, complimenting me so they could get something out of me or if they were actually sincere.  I’ve experienced a little bit of each.  I still struggle with being able to tell the difference today because some people get off on being nasty to others for no reason.  I have plenty of experience with those types.  

Looking back on the first time I became aware that my looks were undesirable to the people in my own community makes me sad for us due to the intense brainwashing into self-hate that we have endured.  I was 5 or 6 when an adult, at least 30 to 40 years my senior, said something negative to me about my complexion, all because my front tire accidentally entered her yard as I was falling off my bike. I forever saw her as an evil bitch after that and did my best to avoid her and her evil daughter who is another story altogether.  But we lived on opposite ends of the same 4-house unit in the projects where I grew up, so it wasn’t an easy task. What kind of mentality does a person have who would call a 5 year old out of their name instead of helping a little girl who fell off her bike?  If my adult self could go back in time, there’s no telling the words I would have with her but also the positive vibes I would instill in that little girl so that she’d be prepared and unbothered by the host of negative encounters to come. 

I always loved my family but I hated those overnight trips to visit my grandma’s sister.  The colorism was real over there and I was always isolated.  The cousins in my age group wouldn’t touch me with a 10-foot pole so I just spent those days sitting alone, watching them play and take time out of play to laugh at me.  Nobody ever stopped it as far as I can remember.  The last time I saw my great aunt before she passed, she said, “You turned out prettier than I would have thought.”  I was stunned and I wasn’t gonna talk back to an old woman so I just thought, “Wow!  You actually thought of me as an ugly child and didn’t think there would be any hope for me to one day be a beautiful woman because I’m dark.”

I learned early on that nobody had my back and everyone, including family, had the potential to hurt me.  (Naturally, I have trust issues.)  I have a great uncle, to this day, that never really asks me how I’m doing or takes much interests in what’s going on in my life but when my lighter-skinned family members come around, he hangs on their every word and action. 

The day I knew I was really alone was when I was at my aunt’s house.  It was just my cousin, who I consider my brother because we were both raised by our Grandma, and my aunt’s god daughter who was kinda my friend but wasn’t as much a friend to me as I had been to her.  I’ve heard so many insults over the years that I’m not even sure what he said - blackie, purple, burnt, crispy, stay out of the sun - just pick one.  But it sparked a fit of rage where I lost control of myself and proceeded to beat him into every room on the top floor, crying and screaming hysterically while he laughed and she looked on giggling here and there.  It was one of the worst hurts because I thought I could at least depend on him to stand up for me but there were times when he would join in on the ridicule and I’d just be forced to wander off and cry alone.  From that day, I would subconsciously embark on a life of not drawing attention to myself.  Being sure to keep myself in the background and in the shadows of whatever was going on around me. 

I didn’t go to school dances and other events.  I didn’t go to my high school prom.  I don’t even think I had a birthday party beyond the age of 10.  In the 10th grade I would wander around the military base (yea, I’m a former army brat) at lunch time with my discman and go into stores and look at magazines and books because I didn’t have any friends to eat lunch with.  I avoided wearing bright colors like yellow, pink and orange because it emphasized my darkness even more.  No matter how girly I really wanted to be, I dressed like a boy until I was about 19. I guess it seemed like a pretty good disguise at the time.  

Along the way, I learned that insults from boys were usually a one and done situation but the girls, even the ones who claimed to be my friends or hang out with me when no one else was available, would constantly pick at me as if trying to break me down little by little everyday.  My “friends” would do it in front of people they were trying to impress.  In middle school, my homeroom teacher asked us to bring in old pictures of ourselves to share with the class.  As my kindergarten picture (above) got passed around, one girl stopped everything by saying, “Who is this?  She’s cute but damn, she black!”  If I could slap the shit out of her today I would.  I was scared to even try to make friends with other black girls.  I got to a point where I just assumed that every time one of them laughed or whispered they were talking about me. That paranoia still haunts me.  I easily made friends with boys but any girl that I was friends with was one who approached me first.  I really don’t even know how to make friends because I’ve always stayed in my box until I was approached.  Any best friends I had in the different states and countries I lived in was usually more like an ONLY friend.   

I’m more introspective and reflective than quick witted so I never really knew how to stand up for myself, which is one of my only regrets.  My comebacks always came hours or days later when I was alone in thought, in the shower or listening to music.  I would beat myself up about not responding then promise myself that next time I would say something and be quick about it.  There’s only one instance I can remember where I actually said something.  The details are fuzzy, but just the feeling of saying something as simple as “shut yo ugly, bitch-ass up” was soooooo worth it!  No one was expecting that because I was known for being quiet and shy and I usually just walked away with my head down.  Everybody laughed at him and it felt good.  I wish I’d done it more often but it is what it is.

One thing that kinda kept me sane, but still dysfunctional in my isolation and loneliness, was the fact that although no one ever told me, I never thought I was ugly.  I always had this theory that I was actually pretty but no one could see it because they were distracted by my skin.  In fact I knew I was cute, I was a dark skinned version of my mom and people are always talking about how pretty she is and how I am her spitting image.  I have beautiful aunts and handsome uncles that all resemble each other so it was impossible that I was ugly.  And my dad, although I never knew him and his family well, my grandma always said he was very handsome. Sometimes before my mom got home from work I would slather on her foundation to change me to her brown complexion for a few minutes and look in the mirror.  I didn’t wish I was light skinned but if I could’ve changed it, I would’ve chosen her brown over my black.

I was told by a family member to be sure to marry a lighter skinned man when I grow up so that my children won’t have to go through the same thing I did.  I need y’all to see me shine now because no child should have to go through any of that.  Wishing they were lighter and having to activate dysfunctional defense mechanisms to get through each day.  Allow children to be their unique selves and be proud of it.  As I said before it was a grown-ass woman who took the first stab at me, a child; and her daughter inherited her mean nasty attitude.  You, the adult, need to change so that your kids don’t model your sickness. Yes, it’s sick and kids only do what they see you doing.  As far as I’m concerned I was ridiculed by the children of a lot of sick adults who are now adults themselves and probably teaching the same level of dysfunctional behavior to the next generation.  STOP IT!  Heed your grandma’s age old advice - If you ain’t got nothin nice to say, keep you damn mouth shut.

It’s been a rough road for me emotionally but if I hadn’t had to build myself up from the very bottom of self-esteem, worth and confidence I might have turned out to be a conceited little asshole that believed that I had to put others down in order to assert my own self-worth.  I’m multi-talented, I’m nice to everyone I meet, I’m interested in the uniqueness of others, and it may be cliche but I care about making the world a better place.  I’m proud of the person I’ve become thus far and I’m still learning and growing.  This is just the beginning.  

Although this really is only the half, a gigantic weight has been lifted from my soul.  I think I can move on now.

Thanks for reading!