#wanted to help this woman so much. DV & rape victims are the worst for me i end up crying the whole hr long drive home

[lobotomy-lady]

I know you've got to be vague for safety and all that but what is your job overall? Are you like a clerk or an administrator?

no I'm in crisis support/de-escalation as a peer specialist so I deal w/ppl who are having suicidal ideation, dealing w psychosis, or any other mental health crisis. we are sort of a last line of defense before hospitalization. most of what I do is just talk to people (face to face or on the phone) & try to make them feel less alone, peers also disclose our own mental health struggles when appropriate bc that's the whole idea behind having us as staff rather than clinicians (tho we do get clinical training too, I'm working towards my CRSS license). I like the job aside from the annoying complicated paperwork but the emotional toll it takes can be very high

[askgothamshitty]

Hi! I really don’t want to annoy you but I am really frustrated and I don’t have anyone to talk to and I feel a little alone so I hope this long ass message isn’t going to be too much of a bother to read. I have been having conversations with my boyfriend about what’s been going on with the show called The Boys (I don’t watch the show I just hear what’s been happening from him) and what’s been going on with a character name Hughie and it’s brought up a lot of conversations about male victims of SA/DV and female abusers/sexual predators because Hughie was repeatedly sexually assaulted this season. It’s not that I don’t think he has valid points but sometimes he gives me MRA vibes and I love him a lot so I wanted to get your input if I am being irrational or I am missing something from my thought process that is keeping me seeing from his perspective completely. And if he is wrong on some parts can you please tell me your thoughts and how you would explain it? Because I am at a loss on how to properly address female abusers/predators and male victims in a way that doesn’t make me feel like we’ve hit MRA talking points and in a way that properly addresses how male victims/female assailants are treated. On tv male victims have the absolute worst representation, I have lost count on how many times a woman has raped a man on screen and it was treated like an oppsie or a minor bump in the road or it wasn’t acknowledged at all by show or fandom, like it has ruined SO many shows and movies for me (and they’re pretty popular too). My boyfriend mentioned The Boys and How to Get Away with Murder and Bridgerton as examples. He said male victims are treated way less seriously in comparison to female victims and at least women are allowed to be victims but there is something that bothered me that I can’t quite put into words why. In Bridgerton what Daphne did to Simon was rape as well as reproductive coercion but because it was a women doing it to a man it’s not seen as either. Do you know how to address this kind of thing that would be helpful to male victims of this kind of thing? And do you think this is an appropriate or accurate way to talk about this? Something is not quite right about this to me, the way that people usually talk about male victims and female perpetrators implies that there is equality that that male victims have yet to reach to where female victims are at and thinking about female perpetrators needing to be treated as seriously as men make me want to break out in hives but at the same time they ARE treated as if they’re less guilty. I don’t know how to properly explain why there is something off with this framing to him so I was wondering what are your thoughts on how we should address male victims and female abusers/predators? Is imagine if the roles are reversed way of talking about this valid or is it just an MRA thing? And do you think male victims have a harder time being believed than female victims and have a harder time in general?

You’re not bothering me at all, lovely! 😊

This is my perspective: it is true that male victims of sexual assault are not taken seriously, especially when the perpetrator is a female. This is due to the patriarchal ideology of rape that only understands men as (“natural”) rapists/women as (“natural”) victims.

There are ways in media that male victims are treated differently than female victims. Particularly, there is a persistent trope that treats male rape as funny and goofy. Pop Culture Detective on YouTube has a great video about this.

However, just because female victims are not involved in this trope does NOT mean things are easier for them in our culture. They are not taken seriously, they are seen as hysterical and overreacting, particularly in cases of intimate partner rape. They are not seen as victims, rather they are often seen as women who had a regretful sexual experience or a vengeful ex or a promiscuous slut. They are not believed, they are dismissed and ignored. Male perpetrators are not hated, they do not have their lives ruined, they are not blamed.

So the bottom line is, yes, male victims are not taken seriously. Neither are female victims. Our rape culture denigrates victims of all genders.

Further, yes, this “haha a woman raped this man” media trope is unique to men and you don’t really see the opposite happening on prime time TV. But there are also unique ways female victims are treated in media (specifically, coercive behavior is played as romantic on TV/movies, and assault/battery is eroticized in porn).

I would definitely say that trying to argue that women are privileged in this area, that women are believed when men are not, is an MRA talking point. This doesn’t necessarily mean that your BF is in MRA/red pill communities because this rhetoric is pretty popular everywhere, even among women and online social justice advocates.

Maybe sit down with him and talk about how terrible those tropes are (again I recommend that YouTube video) and how those play into myths about “legitimate” victims and perpetrators. But also make it a point to explain how the inverse is NOT true, and that female victims are also mistreated, not believed, etc.

[arctichotch]

the media's support for johnny depp is distressing and alienating for someone like me, who experienced years of domestic violence before fleeing.

this woman has piles of evidence of the shit johnny depp has done to her and it still isnt enough apparently. its actually horrifying watching the precedent this is setting for abuse victims.

i wish the worst upon everyone who supports johnny and helps him

as someone who’s never been in that situation, it’s so distressing and just generally upsetting, so i can’t even imagine having experienced it and seeing all this shit 💞 i’m sorry that the media is such a huge piece of shit

i have to believe that the tide will change. it’s honestly sometimes the only way i stay sane knowing that the world is such an unsafe place for those who have been abused. and that at some point people will open their eyes and understand domestic violence as a whole since it is something that plagues society so intensely.

like amber heard is an example of an extremely well documented case with her having collected evidence consistently throughout their relationship. and to see people not believe that amount of evidence and amber having the resources she has and still facing this hell, it’s just so disheartening to think of those who don’t have that kind of evidence/resources.

there’s some really really horrible precedents, especially for how a victim should present during/after the relationship. i just hope that people wake up soon and see this is a bigger issue than some celebrity divorce feud and is ingraining dangerous ideas even deeper into our society

these people are doing so much damage to the already dodgy way abuse (whether it be dv, rape etc) is perceived by those on the outside. and i think some of them even realise that. but they just don’t care because they hate amber just that much. it’s just so upsetting. or it’s those mindlessly encouraging this shit, like that whole pewdiepie/jacksepticeye thing, or the doja cat tiktok or billie eilish saying it’s a celebrity divorce trial or smth. it’s just so ..

these people are scum without a care in the world for what this means for survivors coming forward in the future. hell, not even just those wanting to come forward. but for those who may not even realise they’re being abused because their injuries mightn’t compare to those of rihannas. or their abuser is generous and kind sometimes. it’s just so dangerous and it’s all so infuriating that these abusive behaviours are being normalised.

i want to shake these people awake but they also disgust me so much that i wouldn’t want to be within 6ft of them

[bebe-benzenheimer]

egalitarian = a clever way to try and silence feminists while still pretending to be a good person, most societies classed as “egalitarian” in history books were still grossly unequal to women. list them things that egalitarians done for human rights in less than 10 years. come on! list me all things yall change for humans rights. show me that your shit works. feminist done more good for this world than you.

oh yes, feminists have done SO much good, like:

Feminists threaten to kill woman for saying men need abuse shelters.

Feminists prevent a meeting about male suicide.

Feminists stage mock murders to scare men.

Feminist attacks male cartoonist and is hailed a hero of feminism.

Feminists shut down forum for battered husbands.

Propaganda campaign against male fathers wanting custody.

Feminists wish to slander accused names before convicted.

Try to shut down female prisons.

Create rape laws that exclude female rapists.

Make it impossible to charge women with rape.

Feminists against equal custody.

Female felons should serve home sentences.

Told judges to be lenient on women.

Feminists cover up female domestic violence.

Feminists don’t want the gov to help unemployed men.

Feminists launch campaigns to help girls only while boys are doing worse in every facet of education.

Males who were raped as a child still have to pay child support.

Women should have the right to put a child up for adoption before the father gets custody.

Feminists against beyond reasonable doubt when it’s male rapists.

5 rights feminism ignores for men.

Feminists blame males for their abuse.

The primary aggressor clause where only men get charged with abuse.

Shame men into going to war.

Feminists dismiss female child rapists.

Feminists say men can’t talk about domestic abuse.

Feminists mock a man who has his dick cut off.

Strawmanning MRA members.

feminists attack church.

Feminists transphobia

Feminists slander the MRM

Again,

And again,

Call them terrorists.

Feminists say Men can’t be raped.

Feminists defend female raping minor.

Feminist defends why fucking an 8 year old boy isn’t rape.

Feminists primary aggressor clause discriminates against males.

Feminists cover up female domestic abuse stats.

Woman smashing bottle in mans face in public. Nobody gives a fuck.

Jezebel mocks men who are abused.

Feminists make sure the gov doesn’t spend money on male shelters or male research.

Female on male abuse in public is at best ignored, and at worst celebrated.

Public stops a man from abusing a woman in public, same crowd laughs when the roles are reversed.

No funding for male shelter.

Founder of Canadas only male shelter for abuse forced to close due to lack of funding before committing suicide.

Feminists threaten to kill woman for saying men need abuse shelters.

Feminists prevent a meeting about male suicide.

Feminists stage mock murders to scare men.

Feminist attacks male cartoonist and is hailed a hero of feminism.

Feminists skewed the Definition of Domestic Abuse, resulting in only male abusers being arrested and female abusers not.Feminists’s DV training hurts Police training

Feminist Mary Koss denies malerape victims.

Feminists violently protesting against Warren Farrell at U of Toronto

A mob of feminists at a recent protest attacking and sexually molesting a group of Rosary-praying Catholic men who were peacefully protecting the cathedral in the city of San Juan from threats of vandalism.

Feminists disrupt a forum for battered men

Feminists fought a law for equal custody to be the default if both parents want custody and neither parent is unfit. Multiple times.

Feminists started a campaign against Father’s rights groups

Feminists fought against laws granting men anonymity until charged with the crime of rape—not convicted, just charged.

Feminists fought against a law to end to the justice system favoring women simply because they are women, and giving men harsher sentences simply because they are men.

Feminist fought against men want equal treatment when victims of domestic violence, and to not be arrested for the crime of “being male” under primary aggressor policies.

Feminists in India and Israel fought against femalerapists being arrested, charged and convicted of rape.

Feminists fought against a economic stimulus for male-dominated job such as construction, etc.Feminist fought a law against Paternity Fraud.

Feminist Harriet Harman has publicly requested employers to hire women in preference to White men if both job candidates are equally

Equality Minister,feminist Patricia Hewitt, was found guilty of breaching the Sex Discrimination Act by “overlooking a strong male candidate for a job in favour of a weaker female applicant”.Elected in 2009, the lesbian feminist prime minister Johanna Sigurdardottir has vowed to “end of the Age of Testosterone

Feminists want to peeing while standing illegal

Erin Pizzey had to flee the UK because she and her family received death threats and her dog murdered all because feminists didn’t like that she discovered women were equally as violent as men.

Also Suzanne Steinmetz and her children received death threats and bomb threats she discovered that the rate at which men were victimized by domestic violence was similar to the rate for women.

Richard Gelles and Murray Straus have all received death threats from feminists, simply for publishing their findings (that female-to-male family violence was equal to the rate of male-to-female violence).Feminists say Men can’t be raped. Feminists defend female raping minor.

Feminist defends why fucking an 8 year old boy isn’t rape.

Most feminists backed studies are bullshit.

Beyond reasonable doubt doesn’t apply to rape.Feminist changes mind on rape culture when her son is falsely accused.

Feminists primary aggressor clause discriminates against males.

Feminists cover up female domestic abuse stats.

Jezebel mocks men who are abused.

Feminists make sure the gov doesn’t spend money on male shelters or male research.

Feminists prevent a meeting about male suicide.

Feminists stage mock murders to scare men.

Feminist attacks male cartoonist and is hailed a hero of feminism.

Feminists shut down forum for battered husbands.

Propaganda campaign against male fathers wanting custody.

Feminists wish to slander accused names before convicted.

Try to shut down female prisons.Create rape laws that exclude female rapists.

Make it impossible to charge women with rape.

Feminists against equal custody.Female felons should serve home sentences.

Told judges to be lenient on women.Feminists cover up female domestic violence.

Feminists don’t want the gov to help unemployed men.

Feminists launch campaigns to help girls only while boys are doing worse in every facet of education.

Males who were raped as a child still have to pay child support.

Women should have the right to put a child up for adoption before the father gets custody.Feminists against beyond reasonable doubt when it’s male rapists.

5 rights feminism ignores for men.

Feminists blame males for their abuse.

The primary aggressor clause where only men get charged with abuse.

Shame men into going to war.

Feminists dismiss female child rapists.

Feminists say men can’t talk about domestic abuse.

Feminists mock a man who has his dick cut off.

feminists attack church.

Feminists shut down a festival about gender equality for including men.

Feminists hope MRA’s die.

Feminists against fathers day.

Feminist makes up fake assault stories.

Female reporter bullied by feminists at the National Young Feminist Leadership Conference

Feminists attack government office and police who show upFeminist fire bomb 3 adult film storesFeminists assault other feminists and loot stores Feminists attack and molest men who are protecting a churchFeminist rebels wage 20 year long war in MexicoFeminist commits string of arson attacks and tries to break out of prisonLGBT Feminist assaults Swedish Politician Feminist bombs 8 buildingsFeminists mutilate dog and force women to flee countryFeminist attack female modelsFeminists plan to blow up clothing storeFeminist terrorize woman and children and send bomb threats Feminists turn Burkina Faso and into an Orwellian nightmareFeminists send bomb threats over people publishing factsFeminists break into the Egyptian Parliament and start making demandsFeminists send bomb threats to journalism conferenceFeminist attempts to assassinate famous artistFeminists call for the largest string of terrorist attacks in human historyFeminists bomb 2 buildings to celebrate National Women’s Day Feminists vandalize restaurant for having the word male in their nameFeminists assault police officers and try to take over The House of CommonsFeminists murder hundreds across Iran in terrorist attacksFeminists murder 386 people and try to take over IrelandFeminists bomb places, commit arson, attempt murder, destroy historical landmarks, and attempt to assassinate The British Prime MinisterFeminist who lead the group that did the things stated above hailed as heroFeminists bomb 45 buildings in GermanyFeminist destroys priceless work of art, commits arson and bombs train station Feminist leader participates in massacre which leaves 116 deadFeminists vandalize collage campus fraternity buildingFeminists attempt to assassinate The British Prime Minister againFeminist commits arson, attacks police, destroy monument showcase for landmark, destroys cell block, attempt to blow up the home of Scotland’s National Poet and assaults another Prime MinisterFeminist professor physically assaults teenage girl for being pro life Feminist tries to blow up postbox with homemade bombFeminists vandalize signs and sends bomb threats over advertisementFeminists attack the archbishop of BrusselsFeminists attack the archbishop of Brussels againArmed Feminists attack the Irish Capital buildingFeminists call for another bombing of Dresden to push Islamic genocideFeminists storm wax museum to destroy statue of politician  The feminist at the guardian thinks men are going to take away their babies.

LOOK AT ALL THAT GOOD STUFF!

[heatherleeson-blog1]

why do we hate domestic violence survivors so much?

A few weeks ago, while I was staying with my parents, my younger brother was asked by a good friend of his to help her move. For the last couple of months her ex-boyfriend had been verbally harassing, threatening and intimidating her, and trying to trash her reputation around our home town. He spent a lot of time and energy calling her a whore and a slut, both to her face and behind her back, inconsolably furious as he apparently was, that she had the nerve to continue existing after they had broken up. This culminated one night when he threatened to send a group of his mates around to her place to ‘bash’ her. A bunch of guys actually did turn up in the middle of the night, and while they didn’t get physical, they screamed abuse at her from the lawn while she hid inside with her female house mate. She decided to move out shortly after.

A couple of nights later, while my brother, his girlfriend and I sat in his parked car outside the local Indian restaurant waiting for our take away, we talked about what happened. We were disgusted but sadly unsurprised. It wasn’t the first time any of us had witnessed domestic violence or partner abuse. Nor will it be the last. As my brother discussed their plans to move her belongings over to her parents’ house, I sat in silence, still reeling from what I’d just heard. Another friend, another incident. Another shitty, abusive partner. Another woman fearing for her safety, turning her life upside down to keep herself from harm. Because she had the misfortune to date someone who would later turn out to be a piece of shit. She’d done nothing wrong and was suffering 100% of the consequences. It’s a story I’ve been told over and over and over again, from friends, family members, co-worker and strangers on the internet; I’m no longer shocked but it never fails to make me feel sick.

When confronted with an incident of domestic violence, I always assumed most people would have the same reaction as me: disgust, anger and outrage. Being threatened, abused or harassed by a partner or ex-partner (or anyone for that matter), is never ok- right? Yet when my brother told our father he’d have to cancel their plans that day so he could help his friend move, my dad seemed more annoyed than anything else. Why did he, specifically, have to be the one to help her move? (they’re best friends). Why didn’t she just call the police? (she had). Hadn’t something like this happened to her once before? (…so?) The incident was immediately waved aside as something “not to get involved in” as my father picked apart the story while demanding to know whether my brother’s friend, the victim, had “done the right thing”. Not once were the actions of her ex-partner mentioned at all.

After briefly considering screaming at my dad and thinking better of it, I went to curl up in bed and think about what I’d just heard. This woman, who after being harassed, intimidated and abused had done nothing other than try to protect herself, now had a total stranger questioning her like a criminal on trial. Time and time again, I hear people (who, I might add, have no first-hand experience with domestic violence or abuse) talk about what domestic violence victims should do. What they would do, if they were in that situation (if you’ve never experienced domestic violence, I’m happy for you and I can say with 100% certainty that you have no idea what it’s like or what you would do in that situation). This woman actually had done everything “right” - she’d gone to the police and was leaving the house immediately to try and avoid any future incidents – and yet her story still invited scepticism and a total lack of empathy from my father. I thought back to when I first left my own abuser and my dad telling me to come to him for help if I ever felt unsafe or threatened by him again. Would he be saying these things about my brother’s friend if that were his own daughter? Did he lose respect for me when he found out I had been a victim of domestic violence? Did he not realise that all DV victims are, after all, someone’s child?  

It got me thinking, and I wondered why we treat victims of domestic violence so harshly. I’ve never heard someone talk about a victim of say, a car crash or a burglary, with the same disdain as most people do victims of intimate partner abuse. I always hear people insisting that if someone is a true victim of DV, they should come forward immediately, tell their friends and family and go to the police. That’s what I’d do, they say. But who does that actually help? From my personal experience, the most common responses to allegations of domestic violence tend to range somewhere between disbelief and indifference.

When I left my abuser 4 years ago, I specifically tried not to “make a fuss”. I had just left a terrifying situation with no idea where I was going to live or what was going to happen to me. I was scared, confused and ashamed. I didn’t want to call any more attention to myself than I already had. I told only the people closest to me the barest details of what had happened. I certainly never told any of my abuser’s friends or family, and I never even considered going to the police. It would be a long time, after lots of therapy, before I even dared to use words such as “rape” or “domestic violence” or “abuse” to describe what had happened to me. All I wanted was for everything to be over. And yet I still found myself on the receiving end of a constant barrage of unfathomably rude and upsetting comments, from both strangers and people I thought were my friends. Over and over again I heard about how I should have done this, or said that. The tiniest details of my story were pulled apart and inspected, as over and over again I was expected to re-tell, and re-live the worst moments of my life.

Why do we have such little collective empathy for domestic violence survivors? What is it about this particular form of violence that provokes such vicious criticism of its victims? Why don’t people give a damn when they hear about stories like my brother’s friend, like mine? Why do I keep getting shitty comments from people who wouldn’t know me from a bar of soap, telling me why it’s my fault for not leaving? Why is domestic violence considered a ‘personal matter’, while a random assault on the street is considered a crime? Why, after millions of women and non-binary people gave example after example of sexual harassment, assault and abuse during #metoo, do people still not think this is a problem?

We are commanded to tell our stories, only to have them immediately thrown back in our faces and torn apart in the court of public opinion. We are told over and over again, to report domestic violence and partner abuse, to come forward, to tell the people we care about what’s going on, only to be met with disdain and discomfort. Our stories make people uncomfortable, because it forces them to admit that the world might not work the way they thought it did. It’s easy to hear about a random mugging or a drunk driving accident and point the finger at the culprit. It doesn’t upset our world view. It’s harder to witness abuse happening to a friend, or a co-worker, or your sister, or your daughter, and realise that domestic violence can happen to anyone. And it’s a lot harder still to reconcile the fact that the perpetrator isn’t some scary monster, but just a regular person. Someone you might work with. Someone you’re mates with. Someone not so different from you. When we hear about domestic violence it makes us uncomfortable. So, we either turn the other way, or we turn on the victim. Much easier than admitting we’re still living in a rape culture with a serious domestic violence epidemic.

Global estimates published by the WHO indicate that about 1 in 3 women worldwide who have been in a relationship have experienced some form of physical and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner. Domestic violence is also perpetrated against men and non-binary people in high numbers as well. I guarantee that you know someone who is, or has been, in an abusive relationship. Probably multiple people. People close to you, who you care about. It’s time to stop thinking about domestic violence as ‘someone else’s problem’ and start listening to survivor’s stories, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Whether you’ve been in that situation yourself or not, you don’t know anyone else’s story better than them. So stop judging, and just listen.