#wanna be owned because im terrified of you growing bored of me like everyone else and putting me aside and going for the next fun thing

[goodpvppy]

yearning for soft but desperate touches tonight boys

[in-one-sockk]

1-150 for the asks :3🦋

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? - @when-youcant-sleepat-night2. Are you outgoing or shy? - im bipolar3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? - my pretty girlfriend on my birthday4. Are you easy to get along with? - I don’t know, find out5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? - begrudgingly, she hates vomit6. What kind of people are you attracted to? - butches with nice arms7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? - definitely, we’re at six months!8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? - Frank Iero9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? - not at all10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? - the moon11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? - “meanie”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? - Make it Right - BTS, Summertime - MCR, bellyache - Billie Eilish, Dilbar - Neka Kakkar, This Is Home - Cavetown

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? - NO I have curly hair and if you touch it or interfere with it it looks like I’ve been dragged through a bush by my ankles14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? - I believe in good and bad karma15. What good thing happened this summer? - I met my girlfriend16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - yes17. Do you think there is life on other planets? - I think it’d be pretty egotistical to not18. Do you still talk to your first crush? - nahh19. Do you like bubble baths? - I like them, for like five minutes because I need to wash my hair and they get in the way20. Do you like your neighbors? - my neighbours are scared of sunlight21. What are you bad habits? - pulling away because I think I’m a burden22. Where would you like to travel? - Norway, Japan, places with blue seas and flowers23. Do you have trust issues? - I have a narcissistic mother, so yahh24. Favorite part of your daily routine? - getting into bed25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? - my shoulders, they’re broad26. What do you do when you wake up? - die inside 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? - neither, I don’t really think about it28. Who are you most comfortable around? - my girlfriend 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? - a lot of them, but for manipulative reasons30. Do you ever want to get married? only to @when-youcant-sleepat-night31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? - yeah but not a cute one32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? - Brie Larson (short hair) and Erika Linder  33. Spell your name with your chin - nopee34. Do you play sports? What sports? - I used to be a swimmer, and I did trampolining and high jump, but I haven’t done sports in a while35. Would you rather live without TV or music? - TV36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? - nope, I’m quite blunt37. What do you say during awkward silences? - I’m usually the awkward silent one, unless I’m high energy38. Describe your dream girl? - can cook, nice hands, sweet laugh, fairly tall, short hair, strong, patient, likes cuddles, understanding, pretty masculine energied39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? - ASOS Marketplace, thrift shops, Pull&Bear, Urban Outfitters, Run & Fly, Etsy40. What do you want to do after high school? - get married, have kids, be a housewife with a greenhouse and a vegetable garden. Can I do that? Nope. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? - No, but context. If your partner hits you do they deserve a second chance? No. But you gotta let people learn and grow from their mistakes?42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? - I want attention, I’m sad, scared, suicidal, tired, confused, embarrassed. So really a lot43. Do you smile at strangers? - If I like their energy44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? - I love both of these things but am also terRIFIED of both these things45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? - a better day might come 46. What are you paranoid about? - money and not having enough47. Have you ever been high? - yeahh48. Have you ever been drunk? - too much49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? - yeah but obviously I’m not gonna tell you50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? - Green, my favourite51. Ever wished you were someone else? - a lot of the time52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? - I’d like to have a skill?hobby I could turn into a career I’d enjoy53. Favourite makeup brand? - I dont really have one, but I’ve used the exact same Rimmel London eyeliner since I was 1154. Favourite store? - Etsy55. Favourite blog? - @malnedott has a lot of cute aesthetics56. Favourite colour? - forest green57. Favourite food? - chilli with lots of sour cream (I dont like spicy food)58. Last thing you ate? - a jelly baby59. First thing you ate this morning? - a jelly baby60. Ever won a competition? For what? - I won a competition last month on “who can use the most words beginning with V and create a story that makes sense” 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? - I skipped school for a while when I was depressed62. Been arrested? For what? - nopee63. Ever been in love? - I’m very in love right now64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? - I actually can’t remember it..65. Are you hungry right now? - very, but I’m lazy66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? - I have no tumblr friends, no one talks to me67. Facebook or Twitter? - neither68. Twitter or Tumblr? - Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? - nope, I’m on Skype70. Names of your bestfriends? - Non, Maya, Calli (my cat)71. Craving something? What? - a cuddle72. What colour are your towels? - I don’t actually own any72. How many pillows do you sleep with? - two!73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? - a stuffed unicorn and a blanket my girlfriend gave me74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? - seven?75. Favourite animal? - penguin76. What colour is your underwear? - I’m not wearing any 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? - chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? - sherbet!79. What colour shirt are you wearing? - brown ish red??80. What colour pants? - grey with batman logos81. Favourite tv show? - currently Killing Eve82. Favourite movie? - Mamma Mia 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? - we don’t talk about the sequel..84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean Girls (I’ve never seen the other one)85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? - Glenn Coco86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? - The stingray bus87. First person you talked to today? - @when-youcant-sleepat-night88. Last person you talked to today? - my little sister89. Name a person you hate? - Gauge…. my old supervisor at work90. Name a person you love? - my little sister91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? - Eden (my sisters ex who left her suicidal)92. In a fight with someone? - sort of.. a non-resolved ignoring of each other and93. How many sweatpants do you have? - one I think94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? - 495. Last movie you watched? - Jennifer’s Body96. Favourite actress? - Jodie Comer97. Favourite actor? - Rami Malek98. Do you tan a lot? - never99. Have any pets? - two cats and one spawn of satan with a cat face100. How are you feeling? - kinda empty rn101. Do you type fast? - when I’m high energy, but am I skilled at it? nope102. Do you regret anything from your past? - dating that teacher that one time103. Can you spell well? - awkwardly, I can spell complicated words really well, but basic words where multiple of the same letters are next to each other are evil, like, I always think there’s two F’s in professor or one D in address 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? - my old best friend I guess sometimes 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? - no but I’d love to!106. Ever broken someone’s heart? - my mothers maybe107. Have you ever been on a horse? - yes and they’re evil creatures108. What should you be doing? - homework109. Is something irritating you right now? - having to go cook110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? - yes, my girlfriend before we got together111. Do you have trust issues? - isnt this repeated?112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? - my girlfriend113. What was your childhood nickname? - Fifi Forget me not114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? - yes!115. Do you play the Wii? - yes, and hugely beat @when-youcant-sleepat-night at Mario Karts116. Are you listening to music right now? - my sister’s bath music from the next room117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? - I’ve never had it 118. Do you like Chinese food? - not really119. Favourite book? - The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier120. Are you afraid of the dark? - yes..121. Are you mean? - sometimes 122. Is cheating ever okay? - NEVER, especially when you’re Russian and pretend you’re a nice person and constantly talk about how cheating is never okay desPITE doing it to every girlfriend you’ve had123. Can you keep white shoes clean? - no, my converse are basically grey124. Do you believe in love at first sight? - i dont know125. Do you believe in true love? - thoroughly126. Are you currently bored? - a little127. What makes you happy? - flowers128. Would you change your name? - yes, for varying reasons. I dont like mine much, and to hide from some bad people129. What your zodiac sign? - gemini130. Do you like subway? - the food? not really131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? - bluntly make it clear I’m gay132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? - I think this is repeated too133. Favourite lyrics right now? - “I wanna build a place in you, where I can be made new”134. Can you count to one million? - probably not135. Dumbest lie you ever told? - “Of course I know what I’m doing”136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? - my bedroom door closed, wardrobe open137. How tall are you? - 176cm138. Curly or Straight hair? - I have curly hair, but straight hair requires a lot less effort and upkeep139. Brunette or Blonde? - ginger140. Summer or Winter? - autumn141. Night or Day? - night142. Favourite month? - August143. Are you a vegetarian? - no, but I can’t be in my current living situation144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? - none145. Tea or Coffee? - tea, black and cold146. Was today a good day? - no, all the customers decided to buy huge amounts as the store closed. If you do this, you are the worst kind of person and yes, we all thoroughly hate you147. Mars or Snickers? - neither148. What’s your favourite quote? - “They tell you to do your own thing but they don’t mean it. They don’t want you to do your thing, not unless it happens to be their thing, too.”149. Do you believe in ghosts? - no but I believe in bad energies150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? - Lateness fucking noticed, loser bitch  

[asterdeer]

flower ask meme: arum-lily, aster, baneberries, basket of gold, black-eyed susan, blazing stars, borage, bulgeherb, camelia, candytuffs, carnation, cock's comb, common boneset, daisy, false goat's beard, freesia, garden cosmos, gladiolus, rosemallows, transvaal daisy, and tropical white morning glory

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger? gave a man my lunch and cash when he came up to my window while i was idling at a red light? stayed five minutes past closing time to tell someone how to get somewhere even tho im terrible at directions

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes? “I believe that if a woman poet survives, if she sets out on that distance and arrives at the other end, then she has an obligation to tell as much as she knows of the ghosts within her, for they make up, in essence, her story as well.”contrariwise“I am not well-adjusted. More often than not, I am barely keeping it together. I’m constantly texting, and there’s no one on the other end. I’m just a grown man who can’t even look his own friends in the eye for too long because I’m afraid that they’ll see that I’m broken. So, you get credit for that. One time, when I was in 7th grade, I told everybody at school I had appendicitis. I wanted somebody to worry about me, but when Beth Brennan asked to see the scar I didn’t wanna get found out. So, I took mom’s scissors, and I made one. It hurt like hell. But it was worth it because I got 17 cards, and I still keep them in a box underneath my bed 22 years later because it proves that someone at some point cared about me. Want to see the scar?”

Baneberries: Favorite song? atm its either “high hopes” by panic!, “quarter past midnight” by bastille, or “when the night is over” by lord huron

Basket of Gold: Describe your familyim best friends with my mom, my brother terrifies me bc i love him so much, my granddad was my best teacher of selflessness and sacrifice, my cousin who was my best friend fell apart at exactly the same time i did and we never really got back together, i met my twin when i was like fourteen and needed them most, i have a grandmother who ended up teaching me more of what not to do than anything else, and i did in fact have a father, all evidence to the contrary

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?a giraffe. no doubt

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why? 101 things ! spiders because one crawled into my bed when i was 12 at five in the morning and my cat woke me up because it was just there at my feet, also never having someone fall in love w me, also watching everyone leave me when they figure out im worthless ! mostly spiders

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood. there was a very shallow sort of…. gorge? ravine? it was like a steep drop off in the land down to a v rocky stream that cut behind our house in our old neighborhood. they didnt let us play there often bc my brother’s then-best friend slipped and cut his foot bad but i loved it back there + if i had been reading warriors at that point it would have been my clan camp fs

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  slashing the tires of as many animal abusers as i could find. then go rent a boat and take my family/friends out on the water. pass out some macarons maybe? gravestone shaped macarons? make everyone read some of four quartets out loud. also cuddle my cat a whole WHOLE whole lot 

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go? ive wanted to visit ireland for literally as long as i can remember

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved? when i havent eaten for a good while

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  mucha-esque loki tee shirt and my mom’s fluffy cloud pajama pants

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?lydian bc it reminds me of when i was 10 and my cousin and i were writing our stories on the same computer and that was the font we used

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?everybodys workin for the weekend. captain marvel comes out next week too

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment? 1) winning the novel contest 2) making people laugh during my thesis defense 3) not offing myself during 2014 or 2017

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?embarrassing myself! 

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month? 1) job 2) sushi 3) staying till almost midnight at a friend’s house talking whcih was the most ive actually been touched by a person besides my mom in weeks

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?exhausting but i got a lot of reading done

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two? submit a novel for publication. try to get into an editing program. grow potatoes and cucumbers, revive/expand my catnip and rosemary. donate money and buy art and take trips and make better food

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory? literally the only memory that doesnt feel like a rebuke or a warning rn is the day i met you in person

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing? thats either the high waisted bell bottom jeans my aunt gave me a while back or the black and green striped top that ive worn holes into ive had it so long

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  i literally dont have one, its a hideous + boring mishmash of four different aesthetics frankensteined together that doesnt make good art ever 

[ua-monoma]

monoma:

@s-inasa hey. it's Monoma

Inasa:

Oh hello!! How are you doing Monoma?

monoma:

I'm alright. long day haha

Thanks again for all this

Inasa:

Hey relax! I should be the one thanking you

Its been some...lonely, weird recovery weeks

monoma:

Oh...? sorry to hear that

I get that though

it's a weird situation

Inasa:

I still don't get it, to this day, what the fuck happened.

I knew I was gonna be rejected.

But the girl's quirk was brutal anyway.

monoma:

... yeah.

I can clear it up for you a little bit right now, if you'd like.

I was hit by it too (I don't know if you remember hearing that at the hospital) so I've got... experience with it.

Inasa:

That so? I don't remember much of the waiting room. The pain meds made me sluggish.

Tell me about your experience!

monoma:

Ah

Now? ... ok

... I feel like with every person it's just really different, I guess....

and, I guess, I was having a really rough time with my emotions, so. they grew really slowly at first. I thought they were kind of just a rash at first? and then some sort of weird welts, I dunno.

they were really hard to take out, too... really hard. kind of impossible tbh...

Inasa:

Mine were hard too. It hurt like...ever had to take blood from the back of your hand? That hurts a lot.

But they didn't grow slowly

They just. Sprouted everywhere

And fast

That bug girl really didn't want to help me at first. I was terrified.

monoma:

At least she helped you. I had to find out from someone else what was even happening

it is scary though.

Inasa:

I still have nightmares of...dull, bored looking fly eyes and flowers coming out of my chest like nails.

monoma:

hah....

I get nightmares too.

Inasa:

I remember...after the surgery

Every time I tried eating something I'd throw up.

monoma:

Oh wow

Inasa:

Like their roots were still there

Yeah. But ! I'm okay now right!? Thats what matters in the end!

monoma:

... that's really scary

... idk

I had the surgery too, but I think they fucked up somehow because it's not... completely gone...

I haven't told anyone that yet though so. Don't go blurting that around. I'm gonna get it handled.

And I'm not trying to scare you in saying that, I'm just... mentioning.

Um. How do you feel? .. Emotionally?

Taking them out is supposed to... affect you... and I've noticed that, to some extent, but, like I said, it's not completely gone for me...

Inasa:

They came back?? Oh no...

Um. In what sense?

In towards...towards Todoroki?

monoma:

... is that who the flowers were reacting to... ah.

Yes

ah. Sort of the same way, really slowly. I had a lot of chest pains for a while and I guess I just didn't connect it to what had happened... And I don't think my surgery was nearly as extensive/invasive as yours.

............................. I guess the only difference is maybe they're more internal now than before... I didn't really think about it?

Kind of trying not to.

Inasa:

You should get that removed, Monoma.

Before they grow violent like mine did.

monoma:

Yeah. I know that.

Like I said, I'm handling it.

Anyway, you and Todoroki.

Inasa:

...yes?

monoma:

...

I mean, what's that feel like? Do you feel better? Or... anything, really? Towards him?

Inasa:

...have you ever felt hollow?

Like there's a void inside your chest?

That's how I feel about him now... its weird.

And I don't like it.

I like..him. as a friend.

Feeling nothing is disturbing.

monoma:

Ah. Just like that?

Just... instantly, huh?

Interesting.

Inasa:

It's just.

I knew he was going to reject me.

He likes a girl after all, hah. He's dating that girl.

So even before I heard it from him I had been preparing myself for it.

Besides, I'm the kind of guy who instantly forgives people?

That might have helped.

monoma:

Would it have though

I think, if there's anything to learn from this mess, it's that you can't just logic emotions away like that...

Doesn't matter if you were prepared. It was still gonna hurt.

Inasa:

You're right...

monoma:

... Forgiveness is an interesting thing to bring up right now

Inasa:

Why?

monoma:

Because... in this case, who would you have been trying to forgive? Todoroki?

... Maybe that's an odd question.

Inasa:

Yeah?

Anyone would get mad at being rejected.

And uh. Especially going through a traumatic experience.

But I knew it wasnt on him.... just on me.

So whatever resentment I could be having I forgave and tried to move on.

monoma:

I see...

Inasa:

Yeah. That's where I'm at today!

...You know Monoma.

monoma:

Hm

?

Inasa:

My senpai, Shishikura. He tried to stop us from chatting.

I dont get it.

You're nice.

monoma:

Ah. Yes, he approached me too about that.

Haha

Thank you

Inasa:

Dont thank me! Its just what it is

I don't understand.

monoma:

I'm thanking you because I haven't heard that in a while.

There's.. been a lot of rumors going on about me, that's all.

He might have heard them.

I don't know what kind of things he said to you...

... I am glad you disregarded them though. At least, enough for us to text like this.

Inasa:

Rumors suck.

monoma:

Yep haha

Inasa:

He said some mean stuff

And that you want to sleep with me.

monoma:

oh goddamnit

Inasa:

But uh. If that's the case I haven't realized yet

monoma:

that wasn't my intention. in this conversation. at all.

again, rumors. of my apparent harlotry.

eveyrone here thinks i'm a slut now and i guess that's spread over to your school too, which is just great.

Inasa:

Oh. Why is that??

monoma:

probably because i act like one.

Inasa:

Well.

That's mean.

You don't act like one at least towards me

monoma:

i'm mean to myself. bad habit

Inasa:

Besides what's wrong with sex?

monoma:

... nothing..

Inasa:

Yeah!

I guess people are just mean. They used to be mean about my height, now they're mean because I got the license late and that i got it as a first year...

monoma:

Well that's just ridiculous

And that's just honestly jealousy

Like, I've heard about you and I've heard about the things you can do. They just hate that you can do them all and you can't

Inasa:

Thank you!

And I apologize for my senpai's behavior!

I'm sure he doesn't really mean it, whatever he's thinking of...

monoma:

I think he does. But I'll try not to be too bothered about it

like I said, it wasn't my intention for the conversation.

... and even if it was, it wouldn't really be his business anyway.

no offense to him. of course

I just really didn't appreciate how he went about all this.

Inasa:

He's a smart guy but. Sometimes he lets his emotions get the better of him.

I remember how scary he looked when he learned that I got rejected. Almost like he wanted to kill Todoroki.

He's protective.

monoma:

I see

Well, he has no reason to be. We're obviously getting along...

Hopefully that kind of thing won't continue...

Inasa:

I hope so too!

About your flowers. Your feelings for whoever they were ...

Are they there?

monoma:

What do you mean, there?

... I still feel for him, if that's what you're talking about

Inasa:

Yeah that.

Ah.

monoma:

I suppose it's a little different now.

I don't...

I try not to think about it too much.

... I really don't like them. The flowers.

Or... feeling, I guess.

Trying to ignore them is what got it so bad last time, so I'm sort of trying to embrace them now...

Inasa:

Why dont you like the feeling? Are you scared?

If so, i get that. Im scared too of having a small crush.

monoma:

... yeah

it's.. really complicated? a little...

Inasa:

Well

If you want someone non judgemental to hear

I'm here! :-)

monoma:

Err.. maybe a little. I don't wanna take up too much of your time,,,

Inasa:

Its fine!

monoma:

ok...

........... that bug bitch kind of hit a bunch of us with her quirk, so it kind of....

It's making everything weird

Inasa:

Oh...

Weird how

monoma:

Well

Everyone can look at your flowers and just make assumptions, right? Based on the color or what's associated with them

And having your own out in the open is bad enough...

... but then you see others, with theirs, and...

I dunno.

I don't like it.

Inasa:

You care about these people. Thats normal!

monoma:

,,,

I guess,,

Inasa:

It'd kill me to see people I like in pain.

monoma:

yeah...

I don't like seeing that on people. like, if I say something, and suddenly, more of those flowers pop up...

Especially knowing what they can do...

And I guess I can't help but associate those feelings with the flowers. I know without the quirk they're not nearly as dangerous... but aren't they?

eh.

Inasa:

I don't know a lot, honestly.

monoma:

mm.

Inasa:

But I understand you

monoma:

oh

... cool

Inasa:

:-)

monoma:

hahaha

:)...

Inasa:

Anytime you need someone to talk to about this

Or anything else

You can talk to me!

monoma:

haha

thanks

You're really friendly lol. it's a nice change

Inasa:

I get the overfriendliness comment a lot!

This time its appreciative so its good

monoma:

I didn't say overfriendly haha it's the perfect amount, I guess

Glad you appreciate it though :P

Inasa:

😄

monoma:

hehe

... obviously the same to you though

especially since you're still in recovery... it doesn't have to be as lonely anymore, maybe

Inasa:

Hey thank you! I talk to my senpai a lot in this recovery period. Someone else would be fun!

monoma:

Haha... fun is definitely one word for it

Inasa:

How would you put it?

monoma:

Ah.... idk,,,,,

It's....exciting, I guess

It's also just a depressing topic haha, so...

Inasa:

It is.

I don't like to remember how it basically took a part of me away

monoma:

... It basically did. Yeah.

It sucks...

Inasa:

...are you scared of loving?

After what happened?

monoma:

Ah... in what way are you thinking?

Because I'm scared of a lot.

I kind of would have been fine with just...losing the capacity for love after this. Because it was all so much. But... I guess... it kind of made me ready for the scarier aspects of it

Or maybe I just like the fear?

... I've been told I'm a bit of a masochist, haha...

Inasa:

In the way. In the way I have a small crush but I'm terrified to act upon it

monoma:

Oh.....

Inasa:

I wouldn't like to lose the ability to love. Love moves us you know? Hot blood on the veins and passion!!

But its. Too early

I mean I had the crush before, just a bit.

monoma:

"Hot blood" hahaha

Take your time, then...?

You have the time, at least...

You don't have to rush into it. You're still getting over Todoroki, technically.... and it'd be better for both of you

Inasa:

You dont have time though

monoma:

...

Inasa:

Your flowers.

monoma:

... are being handled

Inasa:

But dont you like someone? The someone they're for?

monoma:

Yes...

Inasa:

...do they not like you?

Like Todoroki doesn't like me?

monoma:

Um. ... no, I think they like me. Maybe.

I mean, not maybe,, they do. They've...mentioned it, I mean,,

Inasa:

W H A T ??????

monoma:

Wh-what,

Inasa:

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

THEN WHAT THE

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ??

monoma:

,,,

Inasa:

YOU GOTTA FIX THIS BY TELLING THEM!

monoma:

but im scared,,

Inasa:

You have no idea what I wouldn't give to not have had the surgery!

You have no idea what I would have sacrificed for him to love me back!

You have your chance right in front of you!

monoma:

,,,,it's more complicated than that,,

he already left me once, idk if I can,,

I mean, I do plan on,,,

I was just, waiting, ah, until the time was right...??

Inasa:

You're.

You saw me. That day.

What did i look like ?

I dont know exactly. I just had my point of view.

monoma:

Uh

You're what I have the most nightmares about. Haha

You just... looked like you were in agony, sort've... it was like monstrous

Inasa:

That's. That's because he didn't love me.

You say your guy does!

monoma:

...a little

Inasa:

A little is better than nothing!

Even if its corresponded by a LITTLE you won't have to go through what i did!

monoma:

Okay...

sorry

I know I'm stupid about this...

Inasa:

You're scared.

Its okay to be scared

BUT

If you need a hand to hold through this I'm here!

You saw what I have been through

I don't want that...demonic quirk affecting anyone else

monoma:

Yeah ... me neither...

Inasa:

...tell the guy.

monoma:

Okay...

Inasa:

No, really tell him

You're nice, Monoma!

You dont deserve surgery nor what I went through

Avoid heartbreak.

monoma:

Okay. Okay. I'll try to.

... there's reasons why I haven't, but I know those are excuses, so I'll. really try. okay.

sorry

Inasa:

If you need me to help, I will!

In any way I can!

monoma:

... thanks.

Thank you.

um, yeah... I'll let you know then

Inasa:

Okay!

[5hfanfiction]

our broken white rose (3/?) ⇾ camren

a/n: i was gonna update tomorrow after wedding planning with my fiancée but she’s with her dad doing father, daughter shit and im home alone, bored and cold so after this if y'all wanna pm me, im not opposed to it. seriously. be my friend. pLEASE! ok enjoy this chapter. please comment as you read, let me know what you think, answer end of the chapter questions and vote! ilyy..

-after writing chapter: i started this at like 6 PM east coast time AND ITS LITERALLY 3:30 AM. fuck lmao. ok enjoy

***

***

I lightly drummed my fingertips on the wooden table, humming to myself as I glanced up at the clock. Tori should be here any minute now.

Its been about a week since my encounter with Tori at Luca’s Ice Cream Shoppe and since then, I’ve managed to give her my number and semi let her into my life. It’s weird. I haven’t made “friends” with anyone other than my co-workers since Camila’s passing. The only person I had was Lucy and if she wasn’t watching the girls for me, she was spending time with Kandee (kay-n-dee). So it was nice but, weird, having someone I can just talk to whenever.

Today happened to be Tori’s last day in California and as weird as it sounded, I’m going to miss her. Her flight was to take off in about three hours from now and she was coming in to collect the demo she had recorded for her friend Karla and the few solo tracks we managed to edit and get done.

When I heard the creek of the studio door opening, I turned around and smiled at Tori as she shoved her wild curls out of her face and hurried in. “I’m so sorry I’m late. The checkout line at my hotel was crazy. I had to checkout before noon or they’d charge me for the night and I’ve been there since eight in the morning,” she explained with a loud sigh. “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, chuckling softly. “It’s fine Tori. I’m in no rush, you’re good,” I shrugged it off.

She nodded, seemingly relieved. “Thanks.”

Walking over to the recording booth, I grabbed the two CD cases before walking back over to Tori who was in the process of putting her hair up. “This is your demo and your other recordings,” I explained, handing it over when her hands were finally free.

A wide smile formed on her lips. She took the CDs from me before throwing her arms around me. I stood in shock for a few moments before laughing awkwardly and hugged her back. She pulled away, dimples on display. “Thank you so much Lauren. I can’t wait until Karla and my mom sees these,” she said, looking down at them with nothing but excitement.

I smiled. “I’m sure they’ll love it. You sound amazing.”

I watched as a small blush fell upon her cheeks before she looked up at me. “Thanks a lot Laur. I couldn’t have done all this without you.”

“Yeah you could’ve. You’re incredible all on your own,” I said. “Have you ever thought of moving out here and starting a music career? Any label would be fucking stupid not to sign you. I could even get you in touch with the label my w…” I trailed off, waving my hands around, hoping she’d catch on. She looked at me for a moment before her mouth formed an ‘O’ shape and nodded. “Yeah. With her label. It’s really hard to come across good talent nowadays. The industry could use real people like yourself.”

Tori shook her head, a bashful smile gracing itself on her lips. “I don’t know about all of that… my family is in Alaska. And Karla’s having a baby soon and her fiancée isn’t too fond of leaving town let alone the state.”

I shrugged, “Who says Karla and her crew has to come? I think you should put your dreams before them. But that’s just me. I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything, but if you ever feel like it’s the right time, you know where to reach me.”

Tori nodded slowly, in thought. “Well, Karla’s my best friend. And I don’t think I’d want to leave her all alone while I’m over here. And my mom and her sisters and brothers…” she shook her head. “Music is just a fantasy of mine I’ve gotten the chance to make reality within this last week and a half thanks to you. But I think after this, I’ll just let it stay a fantasy. I have too many people back home to just up and abandon to live some dream that’ll probably fail,” a small frown replaced her perfect smile.

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head before leading her over to the lounging couches to take a seat. My feet were hurting. I thought for a second, attempting to gather my words. “When I left my family and friends, I had just turned sixteen,” I started. “It was the scariest thing of my life. I auditioned to start my dream as a solo act but instead got paired with four girls who absolutely changed my life. It was beyond terrifying to be just a teenager leaving home. I left my little sister and brother, my grandma had died while I was on the road.

“I missed so much of my siblings growing up. And sometimes I really regretted it. I didn’t get to go to college like my brother and sister and everyone else I grew up with. I didn’t get that normal upbringing. But if I had the chance to go back and change anything, I wouldn’t. Because my dream had come true. I got to tour the world with my favorite people for four fucking years, married the woman of my dreams, had two beautiful daughters and now work with helping others make their dreams come true.

"It may be scary, and it may be hard letting go, but God it’s the best feeling in the world - knowing you’re impacting just one persons life with your voice. Its incredible. And I wouldn’t be sharing this with you if I didn’t think you were cut out for it. You remind me a lot of two people. One of my former bandmate’s, Ally. Always wanting to care about everyone, sometimes forgetting herself.

"And my wife… so much talent but so scared of upsetting people that they sit on it for years. When she left our group, people hated her. Hell, I hated her. But what I loved about her and still love to this day was that she finally got up one day and showcased her talent the way she wanted to. Not the way the world wanted her to. And hopefully that one day comes soon for you too.”

I wasn’t sure where all of that had come from. It seemed the the words just kept on falling through my ass crack and out my mouth and it wouldn’t stop. Kinda like when Dinah made those tacos all those years ago and we had only one bathroom. What a night.

Tori smiled slightly at me before laughing to herself, “Your wife seemed like an amazing woman.”

I shook my head, “Not seemed. She’s not gone. She’s always with me.”

Tori nodded, apologizing. “I’m sorry. Seems. I’m sure she’s really proud of you. Wherever she may be.”

I looked down at my fingers before sighing. I missed her. But I wouldn’t cry. Not today. Looking back up I smiled. “I sure hope so.”

***

“Promise you’ll visit again?” I asked, pulling away from Tori and I’s hug. I had offered to drop her off at the airport, insisting that Uber’s were crazy and Taxi’s were overpriced but really, I just wanted to spend a little more time with her. Of course she protested a million times. That’s something I learned about Tori in this last week. She hated feeling like a burden or like she was bothering you. I admired that about her.

A wide smile took over her features, dimples on full display saying hello to LAX. “Of course. I’ll text you when I land,” she promised.

Nodding once more, I watched as she turned around and heading to check in her luggage. Sighing to myself, I proceeded out the airport. Well, there goes another person in my life.

When I returned home, Lucy was watching TV on the couch, phone in hand and different pouches of candy scattered all over. I rolled my eyes.

“What are you, a troll?” I laughed, plopping down beside her.

She glanced at me with a raised eyebrow before looking back down at her phone. “Well hello to you too,” she mumbled.

“Where are the girls?” I asked, looking up towards the stairs. The house didn’t seem to be upside down like usual.

Lucy shut her phone off, looking at me. “Luna is probably sleeping off her sugar rush and Lana is in her art room.”

“You gave them candy?!” I yelled, throwing a couch pillow at her to which she caught with ease. “Stop trying to give my kids diabetes! You do this every time.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m just trying to sweeten up their lives. You’re the one making them drink fucking green vegetable shakes telling them they’d get cancer if they didn’t. The only thing at risk of giving those children cancer is whatever is in that  poison you call health,” she huffed, opening a new pack of skittles and downing a handful.

I looked at her for a moment before sighing to myself. “You’re absolutely ridiculous.”

“Yet you use to be in love with me.”

“Yeah, before you cheated on me and brought another woman in my bed,” I blurted out. Lucy turned to look at me, obvious pain behind her deep brown eyes. I sighed, shaking my head at myself. No wonder I had no friends. I’m such a mood killer. “Sorry, I was just fucking around.”

Lucy took a deep breath, looking down as she fumbled with the empty pack of skittles. “I know. I just can’t help but feel you’ll never fully forgive me for that…”

I shrugged, “I already forgave you. I guess it’s too sensitive of a topic to joke about.”

Lucy laughed humorlessly to herself, before looking at me again. “You say you forgave me but if you did, you would have given us another shot last year when I brought it up.”

I shook my head, “Don’t start again please. You’re with Kandee.”

“I know that, but you know if you would’ve given me a chance I’d be with you. Helping you raise Luna and Lana. I love those girls… and you. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to get you to replace Camila–”

“Can you just stop?” I cut her off. I looked away, not wanting to see the pain behind her eyes. “I thought we agreed on only being friends, Lucy,” I sighed. “Besides, my wife just died–”

“Oh my god Lauren its been four fucking years. She’s not your wife. She’s a dead woman. They found her remains. She’s gone. Luna and Lana hardly fucking remember her. Stop talking about her! We’re over it, you need to get over it too.”

I looked at Lucy in nothing but disbelief. Taking several calming deep breaths, I blocked out her attempts to apologize as I made my way up the stairs, stopping the tears from falling. Halfway up the stairs, I looked back down at Lucy who was now standing, getting ready to follow me up. “Please go home to your girlfriend and stop telling me how to live my life simply because you can’t get over the past.”

***

Tori tossed and turned in her bed. It was her first night back in Alaska and although she was happy to see her mom again, she’s been battling with an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach since earlier that day when she had went over to visit Karla, only for Kristen (Lola) to throw some absurd excuse as to why she couldn’t come in.

*Flashback*

Ringing the doorbell by the wooden door, Tori gripped the box of Hawaiian Pizza tighter from excitement. She had just arrived no less than two hours ago and was ready to surprise Karla with a box of her favorite pizza all while binge watching ‘Friends’.

When no one came to the door, she glanced at the driveway to make sure Kristen’s Dodge Durango was still there. Looking back at the closed door with a frown, she rang the doorbell two more times. “Maybe they just didn’t hear it,” she mumbled to herself.

A few minutes passed before she heard someone unlocking the several locks on the door. It was still crazy to her that Kristen felt that they needed six locks on one door, but she wasn’t one to judge.

When the wooden door to the cabin like three story home flew open, Tori smiled widely at Kristen, getting ready to walk in only to be stopped. Frowning, she shot Kristen a weird look. “Uh, I have pizza for Karla and I. I just got back from my trip,” she explained, waving the box of pizza in a form of obvious proof.

Kristen looked back into the house for a moment before stepping out and shutting the door behind her. Tori stumbled back, a confused frown permanently etched onto her lips. “What the hell? Why aren’t you letting me in?”

Kristen crossed her arms, looking at Tori with raised eyebrows. “Okay first, I have no obligation to let you into my home,” she started. “And two, Karla isn’t feeling too well. Pizza isn’t exactly something she should be eating.”

Ignoring Kirsten’s first comment, concern instantly washed over Tori. “What’s wrong with her? Why isn’t she feeling well?” She asked, attempting to weave around Kristen to go on inside. When she felt a strong arm shove her back, she grew angry. Light brown eyes glared at hazel ones. “What the fuck Kristen!”

Kristen rolled her eyes, holding Tori away. “She’s not having any visitors right now. She’s contagious.”

Tori scoffed, “That’s bullshit, I don’t care. Can I please just see her? To make sure she’s fine at least?”

Kristen raised an eyebrow, now glaring at Tori in annoyance. “What, do you not trust me? Just go home and rest Victoria. You probably have jet lag or something. You can come back next week.”

Tori’s eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. “Next week?! What the hell, please tell me what’s happening. Can I just say hi? I promise I’ll leave right after Kris,” she begged.

Her heart fell into her stomach when Kristen ignored her, walking back inside and shutting the door behind her. Concern was swarming throughout her body and she didn’t know what to do.

“Does Karla not wanna see me?” She mumbled to herself.

That was the only thing that made sense. Kristen wouldn’t intentionally keep her away like that. Even when Karla had strep throat, she was still allowed to see her. It wasn’t about it being contagious. Karla just didn’t want to see her anymore.

Frowning down at the box of pizza, she sighed, holding her tears in as she turned back around and headed back to her car.

***

Staring up at her bedroom ceiling, she huffed before crawling out of bed. Heading into the living room, she was about to make her way into the kitchen for some water when she realized her study room light was on. “I thought I turned that off…” she mumbled.

Crossing the floor of her living room and into her study room, she jumped nearly twenty feet into the air. Heart beating erratically, she held her chest as her breathing hitched.

“Oh hey Tori,” her mother greeted looking up from the computer screen in front of her before looking back down. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

She took a deep breath before letting it out. “I didn’t know you decided to stay,” she mumbled out, pulling a chair up and sitting down.

Her mom raised an eyebrow at her, “That’s never bothered you before.”

“Yeah I know, I’m sorry. Just kinda scared me…”

“Alright. Well what are you doing up? Don’t you have work? It’s nearly four in the morning.”

Sighing dramatically, she ran her hands up and down her face. “Just kind of worried about Karla,” she said quietly, playing with the loose thread on her pajama bottoms.

Looking away from the computer screen, Laura (Tori’s mother) turned to face her daughter and gave her full attention.  “What’s the matter with Karla? Is she having issues with the baby?”

Tori shook her head, shrugging. “I’m not even sure Ma. I went over there after my flight with a box of her favorite pizza and Kristen opened the door, and made up an excuse as to why I couldn’t come in. She said Karla had some sort of "contagious sickness” and that I should come back next week. But Ma, I was with Karla when when she had strep throat and every other illness. I think Kris is being a little sketchy. She even shoved me away when I tried to go inside.“

Laura gave her daughter a puzzled look before sighing. "I never really trusted that woman…”

“Karla? Why? You know she’s more honest than Mary herself.”

Laura shook her head laughing lightly. “Not Karla, she’s a sweetheart. I’m talking about Kristen.”

Tori frowned, “Oh. Well, this is the first time I’m actually doubting her words. I don’t really know her, whenever I’m around she’s either working in her office or not talking. Karla says she doesn’t like a lot of people and she’s really closed off.”

Laura rolled her eyes, sliding her rolling chair back and forth on the carpeted floor as she thought. “I don’t know sweetheart. She just has rubbed me the wrong way for far too long. I don’t think she’s as good of a person as you think she may be.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about Ma. Karla wouldn’t be with her if she was a bad person. I’m just overreacting because I couldn’t see my best friend,” Tori defended.

Laura sighed to herself as she stood up. Walking towards her daughter, she planted a soft kiss on her forehead, pushing her curly blonde locks back. “I like how you always want to see the best in people baby girl, but I’ve been around far longer than yourself. I think I know a good person verses a bad person when I see it. Maybe Karla herself doesn’t even know. But I could be wrong, just get some sleep. I’m heading to bed.”

Tori felt her shoulders drop. “Okay. Fresh towels in the guest room bathroom,” she called over her shoulder.

“Thanks baby! Go to sleep now.”

Tori didn’t know how long she sat in the study room of her condo just thinking. But when she finally decided to head on up to bed, the sun was nearly coming up. “I guess this calls for a phone call to work faking sick…”

Entering her room, she flopped down on her bed staring up at the ceiling. Looking over at her nightstand where her phone sat, she picked it up deciding to do a bit of internet surfing before sleeping.

On her screen was two messages from Lauren. “Oh shit.”

Lauren - 7:24 PM: Hey, I don’t mean to be annoying and shit but just checking in to make sure you landed safely??

Lauren - 2:03 AM: I’m kinda worried. I gotta head to bed now but I bet you’re just busy or sleeping or something. Get back to me when you can.

Sitting up, she couldn’t help but smile at her concern but felt bad at the same time. She totally forgot to text her after she landed.

Tori - 5:59 AM: hey, i’m really sorry. i literally JUST saw your messages. i landed safely. just been stressed.

Tori went to put her phone down and head to sleep when it all of a sudden beeped. Frowning down at it, she raised an eyebrow when she realized it was Lauren.

Lauren - 6:01 AM: Oh no it’s okay. Just glad you’re safe and all. Penny for your thoughts?

Tori - 6:01 AM: wow, did you stay up awaiting my message? lol. but nah, i don’t wanna bug ya

Tori fumbled with her phone as she waited for a new reply. “Sleep is for losers anyways,” she mumbled to herself.

Lauren - 6:04 AM: Nooo, lmfao. I have kids, remember? It’s like 7 AM and I gotta take them to school. And you won’t, I promise.

Chewing on her bottom lip, she contemplated talking to Lauren about her concerns before typing away on her phone.

Tori - 6:05 AM: ooohhhh. damn i’m sorry that legit slipped my mind. sucks you gotta be up so early )-:

Tori - 6:05 AM: and i’m just worried about karla, you know, the one i made the demo for? yeah her

Tori found herself falling asleep when Lauren didn’t reply after a few minutes. She was nearly in sleep world when her phone buzzed beneath her finger tips.

Lauren - 6:13 AM: Me being up early? Look at you. But what are you worried about? Her not liking it?

***

Walking up the stairs, body beyond sore, Camila banged her fist on the locked door. “L-Lola. Please, I’m sorry,” she croaked out through the shut door. She’s been down in that basement for far too long and she was tired. She rather live under Lola’s rules then down there in darkness.

She felt tears prick her eyes when no one came. She was probably gone. Limping back down the stairs, she walked over to her corner and sat. “Please hurry up and save me Lolo…” she whispered as the first tear escaped.

She had bruises covering every inch of her body. Her stomach was in severe pain. She didn’t even know if the being within her was still alive. She hasn’t felt a single kick in days and she couldn’t help but feel worried but relieved all at once.

Minutes after she had come back down the stairs, the basement door swung open, Lola standing at the top. She flicked on the lights and Camila stood up as quickly as her body would allow her to. “Please Lola, I’m sorry,” she whispered as she came closer. “Don’t leave me down here anymore. I’m scared.”

Lola stared at her fiancée for a few moments before dropping the wooden stick in her hand, watching as it tumbled down the stairs. Hazel eyes locked with brown ones as she descended from the staircase. Camila stumbled back slightly when Lola unexpectedly wrapped her arms around her. “I hate to teach you lessons like that love,” She could feel her body tremble in fear but forced herself to hug her back, scared she may upset her and make her leave her down here again. “I love you.”

She stayed silent, hoping she could pass as not hearing it, but of course Lola wouldn’t allow that. Pulling away, she bent down to stare her in the eyes. “I said, I love you,” Looking down, she felt Lola’s hand grip her chin firmly. “You love me too, right?” Camila could feel a fresh set of tears coming as she nodded hesitantly. “Words baby, use your words.”

“Y-Yes… I love you too,” she whispered softly.

Lola smiled a creepy smile before bringing her lips down to Camila and engaging her into a rough kiss. She could feel the bile of disgust rising up her throat as she forced herself to kiss back. Lola soon pulled away, smiling creepily at Camila. “Good girl. Now, we’re gonna go make sure our baby boy is okay, alright?”

***

Camila sat and looked around the small examination room nervously. Lola had covered all of her bruises up with waterproof makeup. You could still see the slight obvious swelling on her lip and left eye, but it looked mostly like bloating.

The ultrasound technician walked in with a bright smile. “Hello Karla, Kristen. Its been awhile,” Holly greeted.

Holly was the first ultrasound technician to take a look at Camila when she had found out she was pregnant and had helped them several times before. Its been a few months since they’d last seen each other.

Lola smiled at Holly; extending her hand out to which Holly shook. “It has, hasn’t it?”

Smiling slightly herself, Camila nodded, not in the mood to speak. “So lets begin, yeah?”

Laying back on the examination bed near the machine, Camila raised her shirt up, exposing her protruding stomach. She hoped the makeup Lola put wouldn’t rub off when Holly started with the gel.

She winced when Holly pressed the gel covered wand firmly onto her stomach, swiftly moving it around.

Minutes later, Holly gave Camila a wipe to clean herself up and smiled at her. “Dr. Peterson should be in shortly,” she said before walking out.

Lola and Camila sat in silence as they waited for the OBGYN. Soon, the familiar blonde haired woman walked in with a bright smile. “Karla, Kristen! How is my favorite couple doing?” She laughed, taking a seat at the doctors chair.

After doing the usual friendly greeting, Dr. Peterson set her belongings down on the table before going over Camila’s chart silently for a moment before turning to the “couple.”

“Well, everything looks pretty decent to me. What does concern me although is the slightly slowed down heartbeat but that could just be due to early stages of the pregnancy,” or your crazy bitch of a “fiancée” trying to kill you by kicking your stomach over and over for an hour straight, she thought to herself. “Kristen, do you mind stepping outside with me? I want to speak to you about something,” Dr. Peterson requested.

Lola glanced at Camila before looking at Dr. Peterson and nodding. Camila watched in silence and confusion as the two women walked out of the room.

Minutes passed and neither have returned. Camila glanced around nervously before her eyes landed on Dr. Peterson’s cell phone sitting on the counter. A risky thought crossed her mind as she glanced at the door.

She waited a few more minutes to make sure no one was coming before quickly getting up and dashing across the room to retrieve the cellular device. “Please don’t have a lock, please don’t have a lock, please don’t have a lock,” she whispered over and over again to herself as she turned it on. She paced around impatiently as the apple logo came onto the phone. Glancing back the door, her eyes widened when she saw the handle turning slightly.

Looking at the phone in her hand that was currently rebooting, she shoved it into her bra and made her way back to the examination table, sitting and acting as normal as she possible could. Praying that Dr. Peterson doesn’t notice her missing phone right away.

“Well, you ladies are free to go. Make a follow up appointment for a well check in four weeks at the front desk. Hope to see you soon,” she smiled, gathering her things all at once and walking out.

Lola looked at Camila with a raised eyebrow. “C'mon.”

Standing in place Camila tried to think of an excuse as quickly as possible. “I… I uh. I have to poop!” She blurted out.

Lola looked at her with slightly wide eyes before sighing. “You can do that at home.”

“I can’t hold it,” she insisted.

Lola rolled her eyes in annoyance, “Hurry up and ask someone for the bathroom.”

Nodding and shooting Lola a small nervous smile to seem as unsuspicious as possible, Camila hurried and waddled out of the exam room, spotting a near by bathroom and walking in. She quickly locked the door behind her.

Taking the phone out from her bra, she was surprised that Lola didn’t notice it considering the fact that she had absolutely no breasts and anything against her chest was pretty obvious but she thanked god she hadn’t cause she was kind of nervous to find out what Lola would have done if she did. Lola never allowed her to have a phone, being the main reason why she’s never been able to find help for herself. Lola tracked her every move. Almost like a stalker. She couldn’t tell her co-workers because Lola was pretty much always at work with her or watching from afar. Lola was everywhere. But this was her moment. Her one chance.

Turning the phone on, she slid her thumb across the screen and nearly cried tears of joy when she realized there was no lock. She begged her mind to remember the one persons number she hoped and prayed stayed the same all these years. Her thumbs shook nervously as she typed away.

***

“Wait, I gotta go grab my phone!” She called out before running up the stairs and into her room.

Walking over to her nightstand, she picked it up getting ready to chuck it into her purse before it vibrated several times. Her heart stopped at what she read. Someone had to be fucking with her.

At least that’s what she thought until she read the last message.

Unknown - 2:34 PM: dinah, i need your help. it’s camila

Unknown - 2:34 PM: please don’t reply to this number. its not my phone

Unknown - 2:35 PM: im in yakutat alaska. lola is literally keeping me hostage

Unknown - 2:36 PM: i cant explain much but im in danger and i need your help. please. is lauren ok? are my kids ok?

Unknown - 2:36 PM: fuck dont answer that. i have no time at all. but if you do see them, tell them i love them so much and i miss them more than anything in the world

Unknown - 2:37 PM: i told lola i had to take a shit but i gotta hurry. dont reply back. PLEASE! just send help. im in yakutat alaska living on 5285 maplewood road

Unknown - 2:37 PM: please… im begging you cheech. help me

***

a/n: oooooooo…. alright. welp, this chapter sucked ass but idk. tell me what you think.

what do you think is gonna happen next?

what do you think about tori’s mom’s suspicions?

how do you feel about what lucy said?

what do you expect going forth?

how do you think dinah will respond to those messages?

what do you think dr. peterson and lola had to talk about?

camila and her new son on the way?

what are your overall thoughts?

thanks so much for reading. dont forget to comment and vote, ily yall.

to my tumblr readers, add this story on my wattpad to comment, vote, ask direct questions, etc. @ wthbello also don’t forget to follow (:

ellianna, xxxxxxxx

[48hoursagain]

All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone. what else can i do. im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself. but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit. polemic yelp review of american heath care system: "After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused. After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head. 3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing. I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while. I had been reaching out Calling. Emailing. After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today. I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that. I didn't know what else to do. What else are you supposed to do. For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room. Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's. Vomiting children. Bleeding Fingers. Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there. Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern. Their broken humilated spouse at their side. I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility. Surrending my freedom. Surrender of my routines. After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen. Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls. Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there. One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night. Not sure what that was about. Empty though. A bed and a chair. Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting. You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot. I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated. I sat and waited in my gown. Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders. I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense. I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense. I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore. This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard. Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions: "Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?" No. No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die. No. No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long. wrong answer. I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back. Back right where I started. Nobody is gonna help me. Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit. Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating. By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness. Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent . Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms. On hurting yourself: This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up. On hurting someone else: This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head. I've read old yeller. They dont care. Neither do I. boo hoo. Conversely: lock them in a room and keep them safe. Is this really that hard? "Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?" How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on: "Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me" Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind. It creates that understanding. In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to. even if that wasn't a real compulsion. a last resort. This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more. "well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser". I'll get better one day. Not today. Maybe I'll have fingers. Maybe I won't." thanks for the well wishes. i'm fine. i'm just angry. i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life. i hate that you are dealing with this.

[drippeddaily]

Album of the Year #5: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane) - volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Album of the Year #5: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane) - volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Artist: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane)

Album: volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Label: Self-Released

Release Date: January 29, 2017

Listen:

YouTube

Spotify

Bandcamp

Apple Music

Background

Bedwetter is the latest pseudonym of Travis Miller, best known as Lil Ugly Mane. For a more extensive history of Miller and his work as Lil Ugly Mane before the release of this album, check out my /r/indieheads For Your Consideration write-up on Oblivion Access, as this background is going to mainly focus on what led to the release of his debut project under the Bedwetter album.

After releasing Oblivion Access in late 2015, Miller, as Lil Ugly Mane, formed the group Secret Circle with frequent collaborator Antwon and Wiki (of Ratking) in 2016 and the group has released a few singles, including “KEEP IT LOW”, “SATELLITE” ft. Despot and “Tube Socks”, since the formation of the group. The Bedwetter project was teased in December 2016 with this Facebook post and the release of the singles “selfish” and “stoop lights.”

Finally, volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present. was released on January 29, 2017 on the Lil Ugly Mane Bandcamp after a concerning post on Facebook that has since been taken down. A day after the release, Miller made a new statement on the Lil Ugly Mane Facebook page after receiving a few emails from people asking about the album and what led to its release. The statement is, as below:

I keep getting emails from people.

I wrote this the day before Bedwetter was recorded.

All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone.

what else can i do.

im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself.

but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit.

polemic yelp review of american heath care system:

"After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused.

After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head.

3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing.

I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while.

I had been reaching out

Calling.

Emailing.

After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today.

I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that.

I didn't know what else to do.

What else are you supposed to do.

For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room.

Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's.

Vomiting children.

Bleeding Fingers.

Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there.

Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern.

Their broken humilated spouse at their side.

I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility.

Surrending my freedom.

Surrender of my routines.

After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen.

Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls.

Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there.

One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night.

Not sure what that was about.

Empty though.

A bed and a chair.

Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting.

You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot.

I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated.

I sat and waited in my gown.

Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders.

I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense.

I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense.

I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore.

This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard.

Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions:

"Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?"

No.

No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die.

No.

No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long.

wrong answer.

I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back.

Back right where I started.

Nobody is gonna help me.

Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit.

Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating.

By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness.

Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent .

Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms.

On hurting yourself:

This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up.

On hurting someone else:

This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head.

I've read old yeller.

They dont care. Neither do I.

boo hoo.

Conversely:

lock them in a room and keep them safe.

Is this really that hard?

"Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?"

How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on:

"Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me"

Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind.

It creates that understanding.

In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to.

even if that wasn't a real compulsion.

a last resort.

This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more.

"well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser".

I'll get better one day.

Not today.

Maybe I'll have fingers.

Maybe I won't."

thanks for the well wishes.

i'm fine.

i'm just angry.

i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life.

i hate that you are dealing with this.

Review

I don’t really know where to begin with this. volume 1, since its release, has been an incredibly difficult album to listen to due the the background and the depressing lyrical content. This isn’t the first album of 2017 to bring out a similar reaction in me, as the same can be said about Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked At Me. Both are extremely painful looks at the narrator’s mental health and the events that led its deterioration. For Phil Elverum, it was the death of his wife, Geneviève, after her battle with cancer. For Travis Miller, it was the failure of the American healthcare system when his cries for help were silenced.

Miller’s music, specifically his work as Lil Ugly Mane, is deeply important to me. MISTA THUG ISOLATION and the singles he released before Oblivion Access were all extremely formative in developing my music taste and opened my ears to a lot of new sounds and expressions. Up until the release of volume 1, Miller had always took a more abstract approach to his mental health struggles, and even outright denied his music as Lil Ugly Mane held some deeper meaning. I implied in my write-up for Oblivion Access that it was the first time we were truly hearing a Travis Miller project, but it’s safe to say after listening to volume 1, I might have jumped the gun.

The album begins with the short but cryptic “john”, a remixed and chopped up reading of the Bible verse John 1:1, repeatedly fixating on “was God” before roughly transitioning into “man wearing a helmet.” Distant piano chords, rain, a chopped up female vocal sample, a father talking about his child, a jury reading out a verdict, a man asking another if he and his wife have thought about moving, a father now being interviewed about his child being kidnapped, another female voice that’s hard to decipher but is definitely talking about this child, and a drone playing behind all these people talking leads into the album’s first verse, as Miller describes another person’s childhood memories like ripping bark out of trees, pretending to be Superman, and wearing mismatched pairs of Chucks. These memories quickly turn into just that as we now cut to Miller describing this child being kidnapped: “He's a sitting duck, didn't hear the car pull up / Thought his arm broke when they shoved him in the trunk.”

This story continues as Miller further describes the child’s circumstances after being thrown in the trunk at an almost breakneck pace, seemingly trying to through the story as fast as he can before he breaks down. It’s all extremely traumatizing to hear, as the child begins to fear the worst as he looks back: “He miss his mom's affection / He miss the dinosaur blanket on the bed that he slept in / Miss throwing sticks so the dog would go fetch 'em / Missed makin' forts in the woods with his best friend.”

In the third verse, the car eventually reaches its destination and the child is carried to the kidnapper’s shelter, being led down into a dark stairwell into a lair, the only thing he can see being the “bluish glow of television flickers.” As the child continues to describe their worry at what’s to come, the listener is hit with a gut punch as “he” becomes “I,” as the child Miller was describing the whole time was really himself, revealing the origin story of where his battles with mental health begin as the hook plays on with Miller asking himself questions about this event, with all the answers being “I just don’t remember,” as he has repressed his memories of the kidnapping.

While “man wearing a helmet” looks at his past, “stoop lights” cuts to the modern day, with running static/crinkling, a dizzying string sample, synthetic bass, hi-hats, bass drums, and hand claps building the song’s foundation, as Miller begins rapping about what it’s like to be inside his head with no pretensions or greater abstract meanings. His self-hatred has evolved beyond hatred, as Miller simply wants nothing to do with himself any longer, retreating to alcohol and substance abuse to take away the pain of living, pushing himself towards death. The only light he sees are literal ones, as his description of watching them flicker in the hook leads further describing his problems with alcohol and how it’s led to his family leaving him behind.

Miller’s descriptions of his deteriorating mental state are as compelling as they are downright disturbing to here. It’s still slightly jarring to hear the man who rapped “Slick Rick said treat 'em like a prostitute” talk about alcohol abuse and depression so openly, but that’s what makes volume 1 so fascinating, as it’s essentially Miller throwing in the towel, no longer resorting to an exaggerated gangster persona or gross abstractions, but trying to describe what’s happening in his head and around him without any bullshit.

This no bullshit approach is best put to use in “haze of interference”, which starts off with a repeating sample of a man sing-talking “I’m not sure what it was,” with the rest of the song seeing Miller at not only his most angry, but his most desperate, backed behind menacing synths, distant piano chords, boom bap drums and rattling hi-hats that go back and forth in intensity. One of my favorite lines of the whole album comes out of this first verse and it’s such a simple, but perfect description of crippling depression, as Miller raps towards the end: “Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green.” The second verse sees Miller spitting with more fury than we’ve ever seen, rapping at himself expressing his anger with himself at how he deals with his problems, how he shows himself to his friends and family, and most importantly how his fans see him, with Miller breaking from rapping at “you” to rapping the line “You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?”

The whole song could end there and still leave a massive impact, but Miller keeps going lamenting the fact that he could disappear and almost no one in his immediate life would notice or care, going from referencing the Jonas Jonasson novel The 100 Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared to straight up saying “If I was glass I'd revert back to sand.” Miller ends the verse by completely shattering the fourth wall he previously damaged with the final lines “I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall / Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all,” delivered as Miller’s voice finally cracks as the song plays out for another two minutes with a fuller Jandek sample seen in the song’s intro, before sourly fading out.

And that’s the last we hear of Miller on volume 1, as the second-to-final track “this in not my stomach” features a bizarre and disturbing whisper behind a brooding instrumental, with the lyrics possibly hinting that the song is written in the perspective of the depression itself, trying to convince the host body it’s inhabiting to cut out its stomach, almost like an entity from the Black Lodge. Then, the album ends with “cave yourself over,” a lo-fi piano ballad that simply allows you to sit there and think, taking in all you’ve heard.

volume 1 sees a man afraid. A man backed into a corner. A man calling for help. A man who simply just wants to be understood after purposefully obscuring himself for so long. Music was always the thing Travis Miller could resort back to, something to distract him from his mental troubles. Travis Miller the person and Travis Miller the musician were always supposed to be separated. Then, he finally tried to get help and was humiliated, forcing the two to converge in what became Bedwetter. While mental health awareness is at an all time high in America, there’s still a ton of progress to be made as can be seen by Miller’s story. The final note I want to leave this review on isn’t my own, but Miller’s, as it’s the final paragraph of the album’s Bandcamp description:

I really thought today someone would recognize my courage, as i handed over power just to reconcile my purpose, that I needed something urgent. I was eager just to learn it. I just wanna person, lord I'm weary from this burden.

Favorite Lyrics

Crouched down by the tree at his neighbors

He liked the way the bark ripped off like paper

He pretended he was Superman, eyes had lasers

Every step he took turned earth into craters

Little brown jacket, Lee jeans with a cuff

Bowl cut, blue and yellow mismatched Chucks

“man wearing a helmet”

Waking up in situations

Feeling like I'm living in suspended animation

Guess I'm still sober on occasion

And that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation

“stoop lights”

I told you I ain’t right, you knew it going in

Just shut the fuck up if you wanna be a friend

I don’t want to stretch you more than you extend

I don’t want to spit in the hand that you lend

I did it to myself, I get what I deserve

Thoughts in my head, feel like a raw nerve

I’m lookin' for an answer, I don’t want to hurt but

I just want to sleep when I’m tired of earth

“stoop lights”

Foggy little planet where your groping hands to touch a scream

Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green

Bashful baby boy, so distracted by my toys

Rode a tractor from Wyoming to Chicago, Illinois

On a carpet of the 50 states, part of me disintegrates

The only thing I'm left with is the part I can't articulate

“haze of interference”

You're never getting better, you're addicted to the madness

You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?

“haze of interference”

If I was glass I'd revert back to sand

Scattered through the sea, I could pass through your hands

None of this will happen, nothing will ever

The things that I believe can never ever happen

I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall

Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all

“haze of interference”

Talking Points

How does volume 1 hold up to Travis’ work as Lil Ugly Mane? Is it better, worse, or a whole new beast entirely?

What are your thoughts on the production? Is it a natural evolution from Oblivion Access?

What do you think about the album’s lyrical content? Does the album’s desperate origins come across in the writing?

I also want to open up this thread as a discussion for mental health. How have you dealt with your own mental health troubles? Are they similar to Miller’s experiences?

And finally, where does this album land on your year-end list?

Thanks for reading and big thanks to /u/TheRoyalGodfrey for letting me do this again this year and for bringing Album of the Year over from /r/hiphopheads! We’re currently in the midst of our third Album of the Year series over at /r/indieheads, so if you want to come over and give us some love, that’d be greatly appreciated! You can view what we’ve done so far and what we’ve got coming up over here, and make sure to come back tomorrow on this subreddit as /u/ImWaal talks Rick Ross’ Rather You Than Me.

Artist: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane)Album: volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.Label: Self-ReleasedRelease Date: January 29, 2017Listen:YouTubeSpotifyBandcampApple MusicBackgroundBedwetter is the latest pseudonym of Travis Miller, best known as Lil Ugly Mane. For a more extensive history of Miller and his work as Lil Ugly Mane before the release of this album, check out my /r/indieheads For Your Consideration write-up on Oblivion Access, as this background is going to mainly focus on what led to the release of his debut project under the Bedwetter album.After releasing Oblivion Access in late 2015, Miller, as Lil Ugly Mane, formed the group Secret Circle with frequent collaborator Antwon and Wiki (of Ratking) in 2016 and the group has released a few singles, including “KEEP IT LOW”, “SATELLITE” ft. Despot and “Tube Socks”, since the formation of the group. The Bedwetter project was teased in December 2016 with this Facebook post and the release of the singles “selfish” and “stoop lights.”Finally, volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present. was released on January 29, 2017 on the Lil Ugly Mane Bandcamp after a concerning post on Facebook that has since been taken down. A day after the release, Miller made a new statement on the Lil Ugly Mane Facebook page after receiving a few emails from people asking about the album and what led to its release. The statement is, as below:I keep getting emails from people.I wrote this the day before Bedwetter was recorded.All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone.what else can i do.im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself.but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit.polemic yelp review of american heath care system:"After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused.After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head.3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing.I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while.I had been reaching outCalling.Emailing.After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today.I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that.I didn't know what else to do.What else are you supposed to do.For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room.Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's.Vomiting children.Bleeding Fingers.Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there.Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern.Their broken humilated spouse at their side.I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility.Surrending my freedom.Surrender of my routines.After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen.Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls.Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there.One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night.Not sure what that was about.Empty though.A bed and a chair.Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting.You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot.I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated.I sat and waited in my gown.Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders.I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense.I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense.I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore.This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard.Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions:"Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?"No.No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die.No.No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long.wrong answer.I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back.Back right where I started.Nobody is gonna help me.Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit.Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating.By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness.Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent .Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms.On hurting yourself:This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up.On hurting someone else:This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head.I've read old yeller.They dont care. Neither do I.boo hoo.Conversely:lock them in a room and keep them safe.Is this really that hard?"Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?"How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on:"Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me"Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind.It creates that understanding.In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to.even if that wasn't a real compulsion.a last resort.This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more."well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser".I'll get better one day.Not today.Maybe I'll have fingers.Maybe I won't."thanks for the well wishes.i'm fine.i'm just angry.i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life.i hate that you are dealing with this.ReviewI don’t really know where to begin with this. volume 1, since its release, has been an incredibly difficult album to listen to due the the background and the depressing lyrical content. This isn’t the first album of 2017 to bring out a similar reaction in me, as the same can be said about Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked At Me. Both are extremely painful looks at the narrator’s mental health and the events that led its deterioration. For Phil Elverum, it was the death of his wife, Geneviève, after her battle with cancer. For Travis Miller, it was the failure of the American healthcare system when his cries for help were silenced.Miller’s music, specifically his work as Lil Ugly Mane, is deeply important to me. MISTA THUG ISOLATION and the singles he released before Oblivion Access were all extremely formative in developing my music taste and opened my ears to a lot of new sounds and expressions. Up until the release of volume 1, Miller had always took a more abstract approach to his mental health struggles, and even outright denied his music as Lil Ugly Mane held some deeper meaning. I implied in my write-up for Oblivion Access that it was the first time we were truly hearing a Travis Miller project, but it’s safe to say after listening to volume 1, I might have jumped the gun.The album begins with the short but cryptic “john”, a remixed and chopped up reading of the Bible verse John 1:1, repeatedly fixating on “was God” before roughly transitioning into “man wearing a helmet.” Distant piano chords, rain, a chopped up female vocal sample, a father talking about his child, a jury reading out a verdict, a man asking another if he and his wife have thought about moving, a father now being interviewed about his child being kidnapped, another female voice that’s hard to decipher but is definitely talking about this child, and a drone playing behind all these people talking leads into the album’s first verse, as Miller describes another person’s childhood memories like ripping bark out of trees, pretending to be Superman, and wearing mismatched pairs of Chucks. These memories quickly turn into just that as we now cut to Miller describing this child being kidnapped: “He's a sitting duck, didn't hear the car pull up / Thought his arm broke when they shoved him in the trunk.”This story continues as Miller further describes the child’s circumstances after being thrown in the trunk at an almost breakneck pace, seemingly trying to through the story as fast as he can before he breaks down. It’s all extremely traumatizing to hear, as the child begins to fear the worst as he looks back: “He miss his mom's affection / He miss the dinosaur blanket on the bed that he slept in / Miss throwing sticks so the dog would go fetch 'em / Missed makin' forts in the woods with his best friend.”In the third verse, the car eventually reaches its destination and the child is carried to the kidnapper’s shelter, being led down into a dark stairwell into a lair, the only thing he can see being the “bluish glow of television flickers.” As the child continues to describe their worry at what’s to come, the listener is hit with a gut punch as “he” becomes “I,” as the child Miller was describing the whole time was really himself, revealing the origin story of where his battles with mental health begin as the hook plays on with Miller asking himself questions about this event, with all the answers being “I just don’t remember,” as he has repressed his memories of the kidnapping.While “man wearing a helmet” looks at his past, “stoop lights” cuts to the modern day, with running static/crinkling, a dizzying string sample, synthetic bass, hi-hats, bass drums, and hand claps building the song’s foundation, as Miller begins rapping about what it’s like to be inside his head with no pretensions or greater abstract meanings. His self-hatred has evolved beyond hatred, as Miller simply wants nothing to do with himself any longer, retreating to alcohol and substance abuse to take away the pain of living, pushing himself towards death. The only light he sees are literal ones, as his description of watching them flicker in the hook leads further describing his problems with alcohol and how it’s led to his family leaving him behind.Miller’s descriptions of his deteriorating mental state are as compelling as they are downright disturbing to here. It’s still slightly jarring to hear the man who rapped “Slick Rick said treat 'em like a prostitute” talk about alcohol abuse and depression so openly, but that’s what makes volume 1 so fascinating, as it’s essentially Miller throwing in the towel, no longer resorting to an exaggerated gangster persona or gross abstractions, but trying to describe what’s happening in his head and around him without any bullshit.This no bullshit approach is best put to use in “haze of interference”, which starts off with a repeating sample of a man sing-talking “I’m not sure what it was,” with the rest of the song seeing Miller at not only his most angry, but his most desperate, backed behind menacing synths, distant piano chords, boom bap drums and rattling hi-hats that go back and forth in intensity. One of my favorite lines of the whole album comes out of this first verse and it’s such a simple, but perfect description of crippling depression, as Miller raps towards the end: “Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green.” The second verse sees Miller spitting with more fury than we’ve ever seen, rapping at himself expressing his anger with himself at how he deals with his problems, how he shows himself to his friends and family, and most importantly how his fans see him, with Miller breaking from rapping at “you” to rapping the line “You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?”The whole song could end there and still leave a massive impact, but Miller keeps going lamenting the fact that he could disappear and almost no one in his immediate life would notice or care, going from referencing the Jonas Jonasson novel The 100 Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared to straight up saying “If I was glass I'd revert back to sand.” Miller ends the verse by completely shattering the fourth wall he previously damaged with the final lines “I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall / Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all,” delivered as Miller’s voice finally cracks as the song plays out for another two minutes with a fuller Jandek sample seen in the song’s intro, before sourly fading out.And that’s the last we hear of Miller on volume 1, as the second-to-final track “this in not my stomach” features a bizarre and disturbing whisper behind a brooding instrumental, with the lyrics possibly hinting that the song is written in the perspective of the depression itself, trying to convince the host body it’s inhabiting to cut out its stomach, almost like an entity from the Black Lodge. Then, the album ends with “cave yourself over,” a lo-fi piano ballad that simply allows you to sit there and think, taking in all you’ve heard.volume 1 sees a man afraid. A man backed into a corner. A man calling for help. A man who simply just wants to be understood after purposefully obscuring himself for so long. Music was always the thing Travis Miller could resort back to, something to distract him from his mental troubles. Travis Miller the person and Travis Miller the musician were always supposed to be separated. Then, he finally tried to get help and was humiliated, forcing the two to converge in what became Bedwetter. While mental health awareness is at an all time high in America, there’s still a ton of progress to be made as can be seen by Miller’s story. The final note I want to leave this review on isn’t my own, but Miller’s, as it’s the final paragraph of the album’s Bandcamp description:I really thought today someone would recognize my courage, as i handed over power just to reconcile my purpose, that I needed something urgent. I was eager just to learn it. I just wanna person, lord I'm weary from this burden.Favorite LyricsCrouched down by the tree at his neighborsHe liked the way the bark ripped off like paperHe pretended he was Superman, eyes had lasersEvery step he took turned earth into cratersLittle brown jacket, Lee jeans with a cuffBowl cut, blue and yellow mismatched Chucks“man wearing a helmet”Waking up in situationsFeeling like I'm living in suspended animationGuess I'm still sober on occasionAnd that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation“stoop lights”I told you I ain’t right, you knew it going inJust shut the fuck up if you wanna be a friendI don’t want to stretch you more than you extendI don’t want to spit in the hand that you lendI did it to myself, I get what I deserveThoughts in my head, feel like a raw nerveI’m lookin' for an answer, I don’t want to hurt butI just want to sleep when I’m tired of earth“stoop lights”Foggy little planet where your groping hands to touch a screamGreener on the other side, how about nothing's greenBashful baby boy, so distracted by my toysRode a tractor from Wyoming to Chicago, IllinoisOn a carpet of the 50 states, part of me disintegratesThe only thing I'm left with is the part I can't articulate“haze of interference”You're never getting better, you're addicted to the madnessYou're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?“haze of interference”If I was glass I'd revert back to sandScattered through the sea, I could pass through your handsNone of this will happen, nothing will everThe things that I believe can never ever happenI'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wallPick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all“haze of interference”Talking PointsHow does volume 1 hold up to Travis’ work as Lil Ugly Mane? Is it better, worse, or a whole new beast entirely?What are your thoughts on the production? Is it a natural evolution from Oblivion Access?What do you think about the album’s lyrical content? Does the album’s desperate origins come across in the writing?I also want to open up this thread as a discussion for mental health. How have you dealt with your own mental health troubles? Are they similar to Miller’s experiences?And finally, where does this album land on your year-end list?Thanks for reading and big thanks to /u/TheRoyalGodfrey for letting me do this again this year and for bringing Album of the Year over from /r/hiphopheads! We’re currently in the midst of our third Album of the Year series over at /r/indieheads, so if you want to come over and give us some love, that’d be greatly appreciated! You can view what we’ve done so far and what we’ve got coming up over here, and make sure to come back tomorrow on this subreddit as /u/ImWaal talks Rick Ross’ Rather You Than Me.