#wait until Feb 5th

[this-blog-needs-a-new-name]

[ladykailitha]

You know, sometimes I just want to shake people until their already mushy brain comes out of their nose.

This is one of those times. My husband got a job cross country, and we have been fighting with the company to give information on when they want us out there since early December. We found out this week, Feb 5th, apparently.

We just need to pack everything up and get out there. (Moving from the Rocky mountains to the eastern seaboard). It should take us less than a week to get out there, but we just need them to get the U-haul out to us so we can start loading it.

So what does this mean for my posting? Well, there's the rub of it all. I don't know how much of a chance I'll have to access the internet. Or how much I'll be able to write.

So, what I will do instead of posting all of my available chapters of "The Harrington Pattern" (Steve is a history nerd) this week, I'll schedule a chapter of one of my other WIPs on my posting days and hope that once I settle into the new place I can start writing again. (Yes I know I have a backlog, and I will be tapping into it, I just don't know how long it will take to get settled in.)

This also means, I'll have to skip WIP Wednesday again this week. But hopefully I'll be back on for next week.

I will try and keep you posted as things come down.

I'm super excited for the move. I'm grateful it's finally happening. And I can't wait to start something new out there.

[thatdayindecember]

Part 2, labor + delivery

It was time to get induced.

I got the balloon thing on Monday the 5th around 11. Around 1pm, we were home and I was already having contractions 5 min apart. Within a few hours, they were 3 min apart. And they were baddd. There was no position possible. I was in AGONY. Like, 9/10 pain. Called the hospital but since the balloon catheter hadn't fallen out, I just had to wait at home until my appointment the next morning.

Needless to say, didn't sleep all night. Contractions never stopped.

At 7am, we had to he back at the hospital. They checked me and, thank god, I was 3 cm dilated. They started me on meds to speed it up. The pain got even worse. After a few hours, they finally decided to break my waters. And the pain got worse again. Around 1, after 24 hours of crazy contractions, I was only at 4/5cm and I couldn't take it anymore so asked for epidural

I got it around 2.30pm. And I didn't feel anything anymore. It was great lol. Then my blood pressure dropped a lot. And everyone started to panic, bc baby's heartrate was also dropping. Luckily they somehow fixed it real fast.

I didn't feel any contractions anymore so i was even able to sleep a little bit. Around 4.30, I woke up bc I was feeling contractions again. Everyone thought I'd just didn't push the epidural button in time so we waited for it to kick in again.

But it didn't. The pain continued to get worse. Finally, at 6pm, they decided to check me again. To everyone's shock, I was fully dilated.

Baby was still up a little high though, so they told me to lightly push on every contractions to see if baby would come down. Around 7.15 they came back. Baby hadn't moved. I was starting to panic, bc I hadn't gotten more epidural anymore so I could feel the pushing better, which meant I was in A LOT of pain. So the midwife decided it was time to just start active pushing and see what would happen

Well, what happened was I PANICKED even more lol. It was so scary and painful and I truly thought I wouldn't be able to do it. With every push, 4x per contraction, contractions basically back to back, I thought I would pass out or throw up. It was insanely painful. I kept saying I couldn't do it. But after a while, suddenly everyone got excited bc they could see baby's head! That helped me feel more confident so I somehow managed to find more power and pushed harder.

But then the midwife and nurse got stressed. They told me to stop pushing bc baby wasn't doing well anymore. I wasn't allowed to push for the next contraction. Let me telllll you, that was a nightmare. Pushing hurt like hell, but NOT pushing was even worse. Luckily after not pushing for one contraction, baby's heartratw was normal again so I could continue.

It wasn't long before I felt the infamous ring of fire and I had to slow down so I wouldn't tear open completely lol. Slowly but surely, I could feel baby coming out. It hurt like a mf. It felt like an eternity. I was so exhausted. But I had to keep going. And then the midwife said the next contraction would be my final pushes and then he would be out

And he did. I pushed and I felt him come out. A little after 8pm on feb 6th, my baby was born <3. Within seconds he was on my chest and after a few more seconds, my little perfect baby boy was crying.

I'll never say I instantly forgot the pain (everyone who says that is either a superhero or lying) but it was all worth it.

Unfortunately I did tear a little but, but luckily not that much. The stitching was horrible though. The tried to numb me but needles down there is noooo fun lol. And it didn't really work everywhere either. So half of the stitches I felt being done. And it took ages.

We stayed in the hospital for one night to monitor baby since I had taken benzos a few times in the last weeks. He was doing great though, and I was OK too, so around 11 the next morning, we got discharged and could go home

[lucigoo]

Weekly Round up 28th Jan -5th Feb 24

Weekly orund up is a bit of a bust this week, didnt get much wiritng done and all my writing got a bit mixed up and umbers forgotte. That however wont be a problem in the future. The amazing, wonderful, fic saving @lordoftherazzles made me tracking spread sheets so im all good forever more 😭😍 (thank you Razzy!) I did however manage a few fics 3) and as always, recs. Ive also decided, that im just going down my recs and they are what they are, and they may be form the same wiriter, or the same fandom, etc. Just whatever we have lol. I tend to go gor tropes and read 20 kid fics, 15 wing fics and then all the afterlife fics etc lol, so dont be suprised if they come in little trope batches. So, fic recs of wonderful fics ive devoured this week! Signs Between Us - brandileigh2003 @brandileigh2003 (deaf Remus, traumatised Sirius and just an amazing little one shot to her bigger fic) good lookin’ - Anonymous - Harry Potter (Sirius/Remus, faous Siirus coming out, crack fic, its fun) Brother - orphan_account - Harry Potter (Gen fic with Fred reunitig with his siblings in th afterlife, its lovely) The Life In Your Years - FivePips - Harry Potter (Sirius/remus, Muggle Au, its so good) A study of Teddy and Sirius - BayleyWinchester (Sirius/Remus getting together, Sassy Teddy for the win lol) Under the Influence - shantismurf - Harry Potter (Harry/Draco, its cute and fun and the kids are funny)

So, my fics now, we have 1) The Last Meeting (Until Arda is Remade) (Implied Bilbo/Thorin, but Bilbo is tired and its time to say good bye to his friends and Middle Earth) 2) Buzzcut Season (Why me mother?) (Gen fic with little Marauders supporting poor Sirius after he gets back from the Summer Holidays)

3)Wait for me in the Aurora Bearalis (Bilbo/Thorin, Bilbo is a red panda and Thorin is a sunbear, Sun bears live a lot longer then red pandas and Bilbo's time is up ....)

[oblitum]

SEMI-HIATUS NOTICE: 04/12/23 - 05/02/24

What does this mean? It means that until the 5th of Feb (or I finish my npl, whichever comes first), activity is going to be very low. I may sporadically drop threads or just hoard them until such a time I am less stressed and my brain is out of panic mode and works.

What blogs will be effected? All of them. @sacredslaycd and @echoburnt as well as this one.

Is you ask box closed? No because I'm a glutton for punishment, but I will likely be super slow answering these. Meaning it could be during my week break commencing the 17th November or it could be the new year. If you're not prepared to wait or will lose interest in that time, just don't send one in.

Will you be accepting new threads? Yes, because again, I am a glutton for punishment but as I mentioned above, I will be super slow. Replies may take a month of more to get to so if that's not for you and you're going to lose interest in that time, it's best to not start anything with me.

What will happen to current threads? Some may end up getting dropped, others will just be hoarded in my drafts until the point I have a functioning brain again and my anxiety sorts it's shit out. You may notice me writing with the same people/person while I ignore everything else, this isn't to be mean or make anyone feel like they're not worth my time but my brain wants what it wants and threads with friends are threads I have more muse for because I am familiar with the mun behind the characters and I don't have to stress about their replies. (Stress they're not good enough, they're boring, why would they want to write with me? etc. Because I do this alot and I don't have to brain power to have an anxiety attack about this as well as uni stuff hence more familiarity may mean replies.) If you want to know if I've dropped a thread, please just let me know! Equally, let me know if you'd really like to keep a thread and I will do my best to accommodate even if it means just putting it on pause until the new year <3 (My starter call will go ahead, just when I have brain power).

Are you still available on discord for plotting and general chatting? Yes! Potentially more for chatting than plotting depending on the day and my brain power but if you don't mind me being super slow, I very much enjoy talking and plotting with you all! My disco is: Lehane Apologist#1372

My commissions blog will be unaffected.

[hischughes1386]

we collectively need to talk about the stadium series drop because it was such a hot mess. I know that probably nobody cares about this as much as I do but consider this a fanatics hate post.

FIRST- why did they not go on sale until February 5th when the game is on Feb 17th??? This makes no sense. Even if they were plentiful in their availability (I’ll get to that), that is like wayyyyy not enough time for them to ship out before the game for people to wear them.

Also, these jerseys dropped 2 days ago and as of right now, there are NO men’s jerseys on sale. You simply can’t buy one. They’re not available. Not a fanatics jersey or Adidas. they only have women’s fit and kids jerseys.

Speaking on the women’s fit and kids jerseys….

Why are these TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COLORS??? it’s giving Ali Express knock off for $130 jerseys????? Insanity.

Now, I was lucky enough to get a Nico Adidas jersey when it dropped on the website. But I got lucky because the jerseys everyone has been waiting literal MONTHS for sold out in like a half hour. Many of these jerseys won’t even arrive before the game. IN FACT, even though (in the original drop) they only had Nico and Jack Adidas jerseys, the Hughes jersey absolutely won’t ship until MARCH???? WHY? What kind of supply chain issue could cause this? It’s not like this snuck up on them?? So strange to me.

And if you’re thinking well, maybe you could just go to the Prudential Center and buy a jersey at a game, so you don’t have to worry about it shipping on time, that’s ALSO wrong. Because they were only available for season ticket holders in a very limited quantity. I wasn’t at the game yesterday, but I heard there was a long line and most sth didn’t even get a jersey.

The fact that they were only available to season ticket holders is it’s own monster. I just think that’s annoying. But I guess it makes enough sense because they didn’t even have enough for them.

That being said, don’t worry if you root for isles, rangers, or flyers. Because they’re all still available to purchase. Albeit, some won’t ship until after the game. If you’re a devils fan… too bad. Because they’ve already confirmed they won’t restock the jerseys. If you wanted one and you don’t already have one, you won’t ever be able to get one. End of story!

All in all, Fanatics and NHL shop sucks. They made something which was supposed to be so fun and exciting and made it stressful and disappointing. And the worst part is that everyone loses. The NHL loses money on sales and fans are upset and can’t get the jerseys to support the team. It’s just an embarrassing showing. And I’m genuinely worried for when these Fanatics jerseys start shipping. Because with their track record I’m sure they’re gonna have issues.

I would say sorry for the rant but I’m actually not sorry. fanatics and nhl shop suck. And I want everyone to know the various ways they fucked up!

[fuzzbuttfursuits]

FuzzButt Fursuits Shipping Update 3-13-24

Wait times are only approximations. We do not intentionally go over the wait time. Printing takes time and we are only a 3 person team with only 2 doing physical work so please be patient. Thank you for ordering from us!

Total Boxes: 56 + 15 moved to head sizer batch Oldest Open Order is from Feb 5th

Please be aware some orders from this round will be shipping later with our head sizer batch as they are awaiting parts. Orders waiting on head size or that gave it too late, held orders, and orders that are still awaiting approval are not included in the oldest open order count.

Orders placed before this post should be in the next shipment. Orders placed after this post will not be in the next shipment. Shipping prep can be unpredictable. We do not know which orders are going until we have gone through each order and tested everything. We do not have an exact date for when we will ship. We will ship when we are finished with working on parts for each order. These updates are done after shipping is done and you will receive an email with tracking once your order has a label printed.

[elch-im-ausland]

well I feel bad for neglecting this account so I'm going to keep a little log of my trip to berlin just for fun

Saturday Feb. 17 2024

I wake up in Tübingen in Helia's dorm room because Fiona wanted the Deutsch Kompakt Kurs to hang out again at the end of the semester on Friday and Helia still had to return my book (Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata) to me and the party was in the common area of her building. So anyway I spent the night in her room since she has an extra mattress and when I woke up she made breakfast (hot milk and muesli... don't ask) and then I took the bus to the Tübingen Hauptbahnhof and from there I got to the Stuttgart Hauptbahnhof at 11:30 am. I should mention that I'm a chronic overpacker and my bag was so fucking heavy but I made it.

Then I went to Yorma's and bought a Butterbrezel (I wanted the thick one with the green onions but apparently I didn't order the right one so I got the tiny Brezel with a measly swipe of butter so that was fun) and also a mozzarella and tomato sandwich (also not the one I wanted and also all the lettuce fell to the bottom of the bag 🥲). But if you were me at a busy train station and there was a long line behind you, you would also just take what you were given without complaint. I also bought an apfelschorle and Haribo gummies cuz I like to get a little silly with it.

So anyway then I check my email and find out that my train to Berlin got switched so my seat got rebooked so instead of sitting in front of the luggage rack (to make sure no one stole my stuff) I sat in a normal seat like a normal person. Luckily though the guy from Mannheim who was supposed to sit next to me decided to sit somewhere else :D yay!

Train ride was about 5.5 hours long with stops in Mannheim and Frankfurt. Free WLAN and I got some solid knitting done. the sky was very pretty.

Arrive at 19 Uhr and the woman who is hosting me sends me very long directions on how to find her place. She is a friend of a friend of a friend of my parents. As it turns out. I get stopped by a guy doing a survey? I think? outside of the Berlin Hauptbahnhof but I slithered out of that interaction by answering all of his questions and being very unassertive.

I arrive at the apartment building my host lives in which is covered in very cool graffiti and is just so German idk, she rings me up and I get to discover just how many flights of stairs my poor body can handle. Remember how I overpacked? I do always regret it in the end, yet I never learn. The apartment is on the top floor and it's covered in very cool art and vintage posters and maps and things and full of very luscious plants it's so rad.

My host is really nice, she is also studying art (I think her Master's program?) and she invites me to this party she's going to tonight that's a 50th birthday party for a woman she knows. So I take a shower and go there and it's also on like the 5th floor (my asthma is loving this). There is music, live experimental jazz and EVERYONE is smoking inside and it is also decorated in a really cool cluttered artsy way. The music was really good, but there were a lot of people there and my german isn't exactly at the conversational level so I only stayed a couple hours until 1 am and then took the train back to the apartment because I was also really tired.

Overall it was a nice day, I wish I could have left for Berlin when my last class ended on the 14th so I could go to clubs but that can wait until next time and I was happy to see my Tübingen buddies again.

My room here is sort of small but there's a really cool lamp and the window looks out onto the courtyard of the apartment building which is very sexy.

[zeloinator]

give me the strength to not watch junior year until post-op, Surgery is Feb 5th I can wait a whole month right ;-;

[masterofd1saster]

CJ current events 16may24

good

NEW YORK - Police say they have arrested a 16-year-old for vandalizing a World War I monument in Central Park. "Gaza" and the phrase "Free Palestine" were spray-painted on the 107th Infantry Memorial located at 5th Avenue and East 67th Street during a pro-Palestinian march on Monday. An American flag was also burned during the incident.***

***

Explain again how victimless crimes don't have victims?

***

Just one late term and one really late term with a single bullet

***After calling [Logan M. Barclay, 23] out for the inconsistency in his story, the complaint shows he admitted to killing the 22-year-old [Kiersten Hansen, 22,]. According to court documents, Barclay confessed that he took her for a walk on the night of April 16. The two argued about her possibly being pregnant again. He told detectives the victim "would not stop talking about the pregnancy and how she wanted to keep it." Logan told the detectives that she was "still talking about it, no matter how many times I told her to stop, she wouldn't. And I broke. I snapped. Screamed at her, and took it out and said 'stop following me, stop talking about it, please.'" He shot her in the stomach with a .22-caliber handgun and walked away, prosecutors say. Court records show he drove over to her apartment complex and threw her phone out next to the dumpster before going to hang out with his friends.***

***

***

Shooting 23 y/o Airman Roger Fortson in Okaloosa County, Florida on 3may24

Airman Roger Fortson was alone in his apartment, unit 1401 when a neighbor called 911 to report a domestic disturbance at that address.

Bodycam video shows a deputy went to the door of 1401 and knocked and announced twice. Fortson opened the door with a pistol in his right hand, apparently pointed at the ground. The deputy shoots him repeatedly and Fortson falls to the ground mortally wounded.

***

Good news: we found the murderer

Bad news: he died 14 years ago

Nearly 50 years after a teenage babysitter was stabbed to death in a Colorado Springs apartment complex, a murderer has been identified, police announced Wednesday. Only one problem: the man died 14 years ago. The suspect, identified by the Colorado Springs Police Department as William Charles Kernan, Jr., died in 2010, police said in a Wednesday news release. No cause of death was identified. “The family and friends of Maria Honzell have waited over 47 years to get justice for Maria,” police said in the release. “Through years of analysis and investigation, CSPD is proud to finally provide answers to Maria’s loved ones.” On Feb. 7, 1977 around 11:21 p.m., officers responded to reports of a possible suicide in the 5400 block of North Nevada Avenue, according to the release. When officers arrived they found 14-year-old Maria Honzell dead on the floor with multiple stab wounds to her chest and neck, the release stated.*** As advancements in DNA technology progressed, investigators were able to develop a suspect profile from a blood stain on Honzell’s blue jumpsuit, worn the night of her death, according to the release.*** No match was found for the DNA until 2019, when the suspect DNA profile was compared with samples from several commercial genealogy databases in partnership with Parabon NanoLabs, police said in the release. Investigators identified Kernan as a person of interest, but learned the man had died in 2010, police said. Investigators were unable to collect his DNA since he had been cremated and had no living relatives.***

***

Sure sounds like was an accident

***According to Houston police, Karon Fisher, 20, is charged with the murder of 64-year-old Steven Anderson that occurred on May 3 at 7023 Woodridge Square Drive. Police say Fisher ran over Anderson in a car and stabbed him multiple times, resulting in his death.  Video circulating on social media shows Anderson being struck by the vehicle, then the vehicle reverses and runs him over again.  At that point, the suspect, Fisher, straddled Anderson and stabbed him multiple times before leaving the scene.***

Fisher compiled a lengthy record over the last year or so.

If you watch the video at https://twitter.com/CollinRugg/status/1789357019906109749, you can see Fisher run down the old man, back over him, stab him repeatedly, and kill him.

***

Another child molester who'll receive straight probation

Madison Bergmann, the Wisconsin teacher busted for allegedly “making out” with an 11-year-old in her classroom, allegedly moved the victim’s desk next to hers so that she could touch him during class without the other students seeing. “My daughter thought he was a problem kid,” another student’s mom told The Post. “She said that his desk got moved next to [Bergmann’s] a couple of months ago, and she just assumed that he was in trouble. “When it was time for lunch, she’d ask him to stay after class,” the mom continued, “so that just fed into the idea that he was constantly getting into trouble.”*** According to the complaint, the father confiscated the boy’s phone and read his text messages. In one text, according to the complaint, Bergmann told the boy that she “wanted to just grab your face and push you to the floor and make out with you.” In another text, she allegedly told him, “I almost kissed you when you were on the ground today, but I got distracted by your stomach.” The boy’s enraged father printed out the texts and took them to the school. Authorities immediately opened an investigation. Cops searched Bergmann’s backpack and allegedly found a folder with the victim’s name on it. Inside were several handwritten letters. “In her notes she tells him that she loves him, wants to kiss him, he turns her on, and that she is obsessed with him,” the complaint says.***

***

Great way to get ventilated by military police

In the early morning of May 3, two men in a box truck pulled up to the front gate of Quantico Marine Corps Base, 35 miles southwest of Washington, DC, and tried to lie their way in, claiming they were Amazon delivery men. After skeptical military police channeled them to an area for secondary security inspection, the driver hit the gas in defiance of halt orders and tried to barrel the truck into the base’s town center. Quick-thinking MPs put up road barriers that stopped the truck. The Marines ended up citing the two for trespassing on federal property. We only know this because of a report in the Potomac Local News, founded in 2010 “to help people understand what is happening in their local communities in Northern Virginia.” Yet while reporter Kelly Sienkowski, who broke what happened, focuses on her local readership, she’s shocked this story hasn’t gotten more national attention. Sienkowski’s story quoted a prepared email statement from base spokesman Capt. Michael Curtis, shared with me and The Post, confirming the incident’s basic contours but no more. But Sienkowski kept pressing. She cited “multiple anonymous sources” who told her that one of the two individuals in the truck was a Jordanian foreign national who “recently crossed the southern border into the U.S.” and also that one of people in the truck — they didn’t say which one — is on the U.S. terrorist watch list. After citing the two men for trespassing, the Marine Corps turned them over to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the sources told Sienkowski.***

This has happened at multiple other military bases in the last year, but the pace seems to be escalating.

***

Typical European leftist insanity

A new law in Belgium has set a new standard for protecting a class of people long abused and exploited by the masses: Pimps. Yes, you read that correctly: The purveyors of the sex trade enjoy new rights under legislation just passed in the country that serves as the seat of the European Union. Their biggest legal protection? If one of their prostitutes refuses to have sex with a “customer” more than 10 times in a six-month period, the pimp can appeal to the government to serve as a mediator to resolve the “dispute.”*** https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/beltway-confidential/3002365/belgium-legalized-sexual-exploitation

Then Belgium doesn't have a government; it has a head sex trafficker. They all must be proud.

***

DoJ is suing Tulsa, Oklahoma for prosecuting Creek Indians

The Muscogee (Creek) Nation filed its complaint against Tulsa on Nov. 11, 2023, after Tulsa continued to prosecute tribal members within the reservation for alleged violations of Tulsa’s traffic ordinances. The city has used those court prosecutions to argue it has criminal jurisdiction over Indians in Indian country. The Justice Department’s motion to intervene and proposed complaint argue that Tulsa’s assertion of jurisdiction violates fundamental principles of federal Indian law that are rooted in the Constitution and were reaffirmed in the U.S. Supreme Court’s 2020 decision in McGirt v. Oklahoma. The filings say that these principles bar states and their political subdivisions from exercising criminal jurisdiction over Indians in Indian country unless Congress expressly authorizes it, which it has not done in this instance, leaving the United States and the Muscogee (Creek) Nation with exclusive criminal jurisdiction over Indians in Indian country. The motion to intervene and proposed complaint outline the United States’ governmental interest, in this and similar cases, in supporting the inherent sovereign power of all federally recognized tribes to exercise criminal jurisdiction over Indians for conduct occurring on their reservations, and in defending Congress’ plenary and exclusive authority over Indian affairs. The filings also cite the 1832 Treaty with the Creeks that no “State or Territory [shall] ever have a right to pass laws for the government of such Indians, but they shall be allowed to govern themselves.”***

***

Gutsy parish

CV NEWS FEED // A possible shooting was avoided on May 11 when parishioners at a Louisiana Catholic church confronted a teen armed with a rifle as he attempted to enter the church during Mass, where dozens of children were preparing to make their First Communion. Local news outlet News 15 reported that the incident occurred at St. Mary Magdalen Catholic Church in Abbeville. The teen was immediately stopped and taken outside by parishioners as soon as he opened the door. Inside the church, however, panic erupted as the celebrating priest, Fr. Nicholas Dupre, halted the Mass, asked everyone to sit, and began praying the Hail Mary. Police were immediately contacted and they took the teen into custody. However, the police were concerned that other armed people could be on the property and performed a sweep of the church.  According to News 15, Police Chief Mike Hardy said the suspect was a 16-year-old boy who was interviewed by officers and taken to the hospital for a medical evaluation. He is being charged with terrorizing and two counts of possession of a firearm by a juvenile.***

***

Sometimes other people know us better than we know ourselves

Olivia Babin, 20, shot to death her 24-year-old boyfriend, Daniel Ford-Coates, on 2apr24. She had not previously burnished her reputation in Bangor, Maine.

“She never really came to class,” a classmate tells The Post. “She definitely hung out with the wrong crowd for sure. We all assumed she’d go to prison for drugs someday.”

[neteluvr-library]

THIS FUCKING CHAPTER!!!!!!!!! I think this was the chapter that made me rediscover Illicit Affairs because it's the first chapter I commented on 🤣 AND THANK THE LORD I DID bc it led me to u 🥰 LSO? You posted Chapter 1 on Feb 5th...and posted this on Feb 15th. YOU WERE LITERALLY CRAZY FOR THAT!!!! You were constantly updating like every two days 😭 IK you said you barely slept throughout this entire time, but the dedication is unreal. i followed you at some point and i was like holy fuck how does this girl write so fast

I remember feeling so shocked at the end because I wasn't expecting the ending, but also I fucking loved it because the introduction of Neteyam's betrothed made it even angstier. What can I say? I'm a sucker for the man and girl in love but man has a fiance out of duty trope sekfnjkrhgnfdkfnkd it justs so angsty and you never know how its going to play out. absolute genius move and it kept me on my toes until the next chapter.

“I am serious, Angel. You’ve been in my life for as long as I can remember. You have always been the only one to see me for more than just a freak, or a fuck-up, or a disappointment. You see me.”

My poor baby Lo'ak ): I love him so much and I'm so happy he gets his ending happy in The Archer and James' better not play any fucking games next movie. I ALREADY LOST NETEYAM I WILL NOT TAKE ANY ABUSE OR NEGETIVTY TOWARDS LOAK

“Oh… I see.” He was now turning his back to you, trying to leave without looking you in the eye. You were not going to let that happen.

He's definitely caught up on the fact that Atan has this new body and now is his chance to be with the only someone who would mate with him but hang in there Lo ): you will find your person soon'

We were in the backseat, drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar…

I rent a place on Cornelia Street, I say casually in the car…”

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE SCENES IN ILLICIT AFFAIRS LIKE ACTUALLY!!!

“I never did walk Cornelia Street again after that day, you know? I kept my promise.” 

THIS QUOTE!!! one of your quotes that has stuck with me since i first saw it! its so vulnerable, but so simple. atan isn't bearing her chest with a long-worded speech, but she is bearing her chest with the comparison of cornelia street, and what it means, to their clearing. cornelia street is one of taylors saddest songs to me but also one of her strongest displays of love.

I was afraid I was going to miss you and no one would be able to let you through the door. It never occurred to me you wouldn’t show - not until the dawn of the next day. That’s when it hit.”

OOOF THATS GOT A KICK!!!! I think almost every girl can relate to this anxiety of waiting for the person they want/love show up for them. it literally makes us go insane! and the hurt and disappointment that comes after they fail to show up ): it's almost like...did that really happen? you question whether they actually did that to you and what it means as a whole. ESPECIALLY ON ATAN'S BIRTHDAY ): yeah i spent my 21st birthday on bad terms with my ex boyfriend and he didn't even wish my a happy birthday and i waited all morning and afternoon for him so say something so this hit a little close to home (my all too well moment LOL?)

“I never had any expectations. I was never delusional enough to think that you would ever choose me. But I did have dreams. And in the dreams, you told me you loved me too, and that whatever it was, we would always be able to work through it together.

NO BECAUSE THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH??? I LOVE IT SO MUCH. i don't even know what to say except i love it?? atan's hurt really show through this paragraph ): suffice to say this paragraph is one of my favorites that you've written (yes i have favorites and could easily pinpoint them)

“You heard me. I saw you. I saw you in the forest, his hands all over you, I saw you running your hand up and down his arm. I’ve known he has been sneaking in your tent for weeks. What are you doing with my baby brother in your tent late at night, Y/N?”

Neteyam really is stupid LMFAOOO he didnt even use Atan so thats how you know he's mad

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE II: ANGER

*SVU THEME SONG*

I don’t owe you anything. You fucking left, Neteyam! We’re nothing to each other.

GET HIS ASS ATAN!!!!

You felt a sick satisfaction at his demeanour. You made him like this, this angry, nose flared and panted breaths, you had this power over him. Just the thought of you with another man drove him to this point, and you loved it. He deserved it, deserves much worse. 

I WOULD BE EATING THIS SHIT UP !!! well i am eating it up but if this was irl.....i would be jumping over the moon with glee

It wasn’t possible for you to finish the sentence, as his lips roughly slammed against yours, and you immediately, as if your body needed no input from your mind, raised your hands to the circle around his neck, pushing him closer to you. 

YOU WERE SUCH A TEASE FOR THIS!!!!

The dizziness you felt was more than just a weak headache you could ride out, but a sign your human body was fighting to maintain the neurolink inside the pod. You didn’t have much time. 

I'm literally giggling bc i love what's about to come..

The holy grail, injectable morphine. You hastily grabbed a syringe and a needle, measured out the amount needed, shook the syringe to remove any air bubbles, and directed it to your arm, where you injected it in your vein.

NO BC I WAS SHOCKED LIKE MORPHINE???? atan is at a point of desperation that is hard to come back from ): we're about to get dark atan omggggg

“You will tell her by the end of the week, or I will.” 

clueless little me still thinking this is about neteyam confessing...i felt validated bc they didn't have a chance to talk so it was like yeah ofc he hasn't confessed they haven't talk but he will soon

There was a lot of pain in your life, but this family would always be your good karma, it seemed. 

I love that Atan's bond extends and exists outside of Neteyam!! Like yeah the world doesn't revolve around men..

You knew you were bonded for life, shared a kinship and bond no one could break until one of you died, maybe even after. The feeling of belonging, as you watched 5 other ikran fly alongside yours and help you through your first of many adventures in the sky. You felt grateful and happy to have made it so far before the inevitable end.

ATAN DESERVES ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD 😭

“You drive me crazy when you roll your eyes at me, you know? I would kill to be the reason your eyes roll in the back of your head at night.”

hjfnkjjfdbvkjnvjfk HE WAS ACTUALLY BOLD FOR SAYING THAT AND IM JUST REALIZING HIS COMMENT NOW

Oh, it seems much better now than what was described. I guess it’s true what they say, you really are that skilled.” She turned her attention to you and smiled. 

“Thank you. I don’t think we’ve properly met.”

“You’re right, my bad! I’m Tiongli. Neteyam’s mate.” 

*EVIL LAUGHTER* you really are something andra because THIS CAUGHT ME SOOO OFF GUARD I SWEAR!!! i just love this trope so much and i cant believe you included it. I FULLY THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A SIMPLE HAPPY ENDING this is the first time where i was like oh the author is sadistic (hence why i commented). i wAS APPALLED I WAS SHOCKED I WAS MOVED i mean this is the chapter and reveal that cemented me as an illicit affairs stan. i was like yup okay now i have to see how this plays out and i have to follow the author because i need to finish this. IT JUST AMAZING!!!!!

OAKY i finished this at 1:30 AM oops. I AM SO EXCITED TO ANNOTATE THE REMAINING THREE CHAPTERS!!!! LIKE JUMPING OVER THE MOON BC THEY ARE MY FAVORITE!!!! im definitely going to dedicate some time next weekend so i can sit down and FULLY get into the last three chapters bc they will have a lot of annotations and it will get serious. i'll start earlier next time though hehehe anyway cant wait to hear back from you...also sorry babe i know i have annotated five chapters within week and you are busy so pls take your time responding if you need to <3 i thought i would have more notes on this chapter but i think i was just so excited for the end i didn't leave any notes on any of the rites of passage scenes but know i did love those too. OKAY GOODNIGHT!!!

Illicit Affairs | Chapter VII: Hoax

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VIII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: Tensions erupt when Neteyam confronts you about something he saw. His secret comes out at the worst time, leaving you both in pieces. 

Warnings: (a little) smut (18+, Minors DNI), angst, mentions of blood mentions of death, injury, pills, pill addiction, opioid addiction, disease, cursing, some fluff + all the feels.

Word Count: 9,5k words (holy mother)

A/N: This is it, guys! Where tensions explode and secrets come come out, hearts are bound to be broken. I hope you enjoy this chapter, I put everything into it. I cried whilst writing it, I laughed whilst writing it, pretty sure I experienced the full spectrum of human emotions whilst doing this. Also, I have ignored my actual work to finish it, so if I fail my annual progression review, at least it would have been worth it. Let me know what you think, and as always, thank you for everyone who is reading is and asked to be tagged &lt;;3

"My only one, my kingdom come undone My broken drum, you have beaten my heart Don't want no other shade of blue, but you No other sadness in the world would do"

“There are perks with being an Omatikaya, you know? You can make your bow out of the wood of the Home Tree… and you can choose a mate.” 

Fuck. 

“Lo’ak… be serious.”

“I am serious, Angel. You’ve been in my life for as long as I can remember. You have always been the only one to see me for more than just a freak, or a fuck-up, or a disappointment. You see me.”

The younger Sully boy gently cupped you face in his hand; he was caressing your cheek with his thumb. Using a little force, he willed your face upwards so you could look up at his face; you were surprised to see the intensity in his eyes. 

You placed your hand on his arm, and you hoped by slowly massaging it, it would relax him enough to soften your following words. 

“Lo’ak… I do see you. You are an incredible person. You have been there for me my whole life, and I will be forever grateful to you. You have been the only one who constantly chose the dark stuffy lab to the beauty of this world because the labs had me in it, you were closest to my mum and she loved you like you were her own. I think you are the most amazing guy there is and I think your mate will be the luckiest girl there is. But that’s not me, Lo’ak. You know that can’t be me.”

His hand dropped from your face and both of his hands took yours in them, squeezing them ardently. 

“But it is you. It has to be you.” 

“Kehe (no). Lo’ak, you are my best friend. I am your best friend. I love you so much, and I know you love me too, but the love we have for each other is not the kind of love one needs to be mated for life.” 

You spoke softly, looking at him pleadingly, hoping that he would understand your words in the way that you intend them. You can see his gaze drop and form deflate, being replaced by a meek one, a shadow of his former self. 

“Oh… I see.” He was now turning his back to you, trying to leave without looking you in the eye. You were not going to let that happen.

“I’m not letting you leave.” You say, keeping his hands tightened in yours. “We will talk about this, and you will recognise I am right.” 

Neteyam was having trouble seeing as he was manoeuvring his way through the forest. He felt sick to his stomach and every heartbeat sent waves of hurt through his entire body, like shards of glass gutting him from inside out. How could his own brother do this? How could you do this? He has spent more than two months with you, every day, sending touches and glances your way that were begging to be seen, begging to be acknowledged. He secretly prayed that you would call him out on it, give him a reason to finally tell you that he’s loved you since he was 10 and yearned for your touch since the second his eyes fell on you again after a whole year apart. He wanted you to finally give him a reason to tell everyone to fuck off and let him finally live his life by his own rules, with you by his side. 

Neteyam was shaking with tempestuous fury at the unfairness of it all. Lo’ak will always get everything just handed to him on a silver platter, won’t he? Freedom, to make his own choices, to live his life as he wished, carelessly and devoid of any forethought or responsibility. And now he got you, the woman of his dreams - and nightmares - and the future he used to fantasise would one day be his. 

His legs were moving without any conscious input from his mind, and before long, he found himself on the way to the clearing you and him used to go to all the time. Your place, just for his and your eyes to see, just for his and your hearts to experience. As he was nearing, he heard soft sounds emerging from the spot, and he slowly, carefully approached with a bow at the ready and all his senses heightened. 

“We were in the backseat, drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar…

I rent a place on Cornelia Street, I say casually in the car…”

Soft strumming and the most beautiful voice he has ever heard, a voice that he would recognise anywhere, for the rest of time, made him drop the bow he was gripping tightly. That song, Neteyam thought with a wince, and let himself remember.

“This piece of heaven is our Cornelia Street.” 

“What’s Cornelia Street?”

“Well, it’s a place back on Earth where one of her houses used to be, but in this case, it’s a metaphor. Cornelia Street is to them what this clearing is to us.” 

A month before your 17th birthday is the last day Neteyam saw you. He was coming to say goodbye. You didn’t know that, and, in your enthusiasm at seeing him after such a long time because of his training, or so he told you, you suggested coming here. Neteyam remembers everything about that day. He didn’t sleep that night, cried himself to sleep quietly in his family’s tent thinking of the possibility of not seeing you again, for a long time, perhaps forever. He had decided that his mum was right. Being around you was hurting you both, and maybe by leaving, both of you could heal and move on. He wouldn’t have to live with causing you more pain than you already had to deal with, and you wouldn’t have to go outside, something that you were only doing for him, it seemed. It was a win-win, he thought, and yet his heart was torn apart, coming apart at the seams of wounds that barely healed. 

You were sitting on the ground, resting your back on a rock by the river bank, with the same guitar in your hands you have had since you were young. Neteyam thought he probably heard thousands of songs being played on that guitar, countless hours laying just like he was now, hearing you sing. He did not like humans, could not understand them, their world, their traditions, their beliefs, but watching you strum that guitar and singing about your love, a love neither of you could ever say out loud except in this way, he realised humans did some things right. Humanity did you right. 

“We were a fresh page on the desk, filling in the blanks as we go

As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead, leading us home”

Neteyam watched you intently, and was trying to assimilate the lyrics as best he could, knowing this was always your preferred method of communication, knowing that through these songs you are confessing your true, buried desires. You looked at him as you sang, giving him a big smile.

“And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again”

A year and a half later, inhabiting a new body, you were not smiling anymore as you were playing this, the strumming on the guitar slower and more sorrowful, and your voice sounded hoarse, like you had been crying. Neteyam couldn’t believe that you would come here, in his and your secret place and sing the song you silently confessed your feelings to, after what he saw. He felt his anger poison his body, as his heart picked up pace and made his heartbeat ring painfully in his ears, muffling the sound of your voice. 

“I never did walk Cornelia Street again after that day, you know? I kept my promise.” 

Neteyam freezes in place, a shocked expression marring his features. You heard him, even with your back to him, even while playing and with the soft hum of the river to dull your senses, you knew. Felt him, his presence that charged this clearing like the air before lighting strike. He, however, does not seem to hear the hint of sadness in your voice, nor the sniffling that accompanies it. 

“It took me a while to figure out you weren’t going to come back. It did not dawn on me right away. I thought you were just training hard, as you had been for years at that point, I didn’t think anything of it. I only figured it out a month after I played you this song, when my birthday came and you didn’t show. I waited all day. Way past eclipse, way past the point everyone else was gone and sleeping peacefully, I waited. I didn’t sleep that night. I was afraid I was going to miss you and no one would be able to let you through the door. It never occurred to me you wouldn’t show - not until the dawn of the next day. That’s when it hit.”

“I remember singing you this song, I was terrified. I mean, we talked around it all of our lives, I sang you songs, and I read you poems, and you’d sleep in my bed and let me attach myself to you in a way no friend ever would. But this song, I thought, would be the one. The one that would make us finally have to talk through it. The night before, I had watched an episode of Gilmore Girls, right? And it’s that episode when Dean pitches up at Rory’s school after she drops him hints that she’s in love with him, and he gets mad for one reason or another and then she screams at him “I love you, you idiot!”. And he drops all the stuff he was holding and rushes to her and kisses her, like really kisses her. And I remember thinking, I’m going to sing you this song, and this will be my “I love you, you idiot” moment.”

Neteyam walked slowly towards your form that was still turned around from him, and felt two forces tugging at him, ripping him apart. On one hand, there was the rage, and jealousy, the monster that wanted to scream at you, to hurt you for breaking his heart without even acknowledging it. On the other, there was deep sadness and grief, for the new information that he is receiving, for knowing what this meant to you, what he did to you, how he left you the day that you confessed, how that only strengthened his resolve. He didn’t know which was going to win. 

“I never had any expectations. I was never delusional enough to think that you would ever choose me. But I did have dreams. And in the dreams, you told me you loved me too, and that whatever it was, we would always be able to work through it together. That day after my birthday, I felt like something ripped apart in me that I’ve never recovered from. I’ve lost so much of myself throughout the years, every time something new came up. I’ve been in pieces, broken and shattered, my whole life, and yet somehow you managed to walk away with the biggest piece. Because I could never put you in a drawer at the bottom of my desk, like all my other pieces. You were never truly gone, you were just far enough that I could never reach you, but near enough that I could never heal. I mourned you, mourned the me that you took with you, every day for months. Losing you broke me, Neteyam. You broke me. I will never forgive you for that night.”

“Well I guess we’re both fucking disappointed with each other then.” 

Neteyam saw you shoulders hunch even more than they were and your head bow towards the ground. You hand raised to your cheeks and wiped something off your face, before you finally stood up and and turned around, facing him. Neteyam’s breath caught in his throat at the new sight. Your eyes were puffy and red, and tears marked your cheeks, so pronounced it was as if they would stain your face forever. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He felt his own tears threatening to spill then, pricking at his eyes painfully, begging to be released. There was so much pain inside of him, pain you caused him, pain for the hurt he knew he caused you, pain that felt like it will never diminish. 

“You’re sitting here, talking about that night and this song, in this place that once meant so much to us, after giving yourself to another man, to my fucking brother, and you want me to feel bad?”

He saw your face slowly register his words, as if you were mulling over every word carefully, turning it in your mind, and saw how your face went from sad to cold and unflinching and a shiver ran down his spine. You rose an eyebrow at him, an expression only he seemed to have the power to coax out of you. 

“What did you just say?” 

“You heard me. I saw you. I saw you in the forest, his hands all over you, I saw you running your hand up and down his arm. I’ve known he has been sneaking in your tent for weeks. What are you doing with my baby brother in your tent late at night, Y/N?”

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE II: ANGER

“You honestly have some fucking nerve, Neteyam.” 

“You do not get to come here, come to this place, or any place for that matter and demand an explanation from me. I don’t owe you anything. You fucking left, Neteyam! We’re nothing to each other. Whatever claim or right you might have had once to ask anything of me or from me is long gone.” 

Neteyam stalked towards where you were standing, your words echoing in his mind. He was mad, mad at you for what you did, but also mad at himself. Because he knew you were right. He had no right to come here after abandoning you and the relationship you two had and be angry that you moved on. And yet he was. 

He was so close to you now he could feel your breath fanning over his face as you looked up at him, panting with anger, lips slightly opened. He couldn’t help look at them, those lips he has dreamed about for years, the way they’d feel on him, their taste… your taste. It was driving him insane, being so close to you, knowing what he knew. 

“Why? Why Lo’ak? You could have picked anyone else.”

You chuckled bitterly. “Really? So if I picked Akoa or Tärze, you wouldn’t be here right now, wouldn’t be mad and looking at me like somehow I betrayed you?” 

“Or is it possible it doesn’t actually matter who it is, it’s not the fact that it’s Lo’ak… it’s the fact it’s not you.” 

“You see, I think deep down you know it should have been you. I think deep down it kills you that you are not in my tent late at night. You’re not the one that gets to touch me.” he felt your hand place over his bare chest and run it down his abdomen until it reached his red loin cloth, which you slightly tugged at. He felt his cock twitch in response. 

You don’t know what came over you. You came here to mourn, still reeling after your conversation with Lo’ak. You never expected to see him here, hear his presence while you sang the song that once signified hope and love, and now is just a bitter reminder of all you’ve lost. You definitely never expected him to question you over Lo’ak, or be so angry over something that would never happen anyway. 

You were furious with him, furious that he never told you how he felt for you, and now he was clearly showing it to you by his displays of anger and jealousy. This was not how this was supposed to go. 

You felt a sick satisfaction at his demeanour. You made him like this, this angry, nose flared and panted breaths, you had this power over him. Just the thought of you with another man drove him to this point, and you loved it. He deserved it, deserves much worse. 

“You should leave, Neteyam.”

You started turning your back to him, but he took hold of your arm and kept you in place forcefully. His other hand went to your neck, and you felt him wrapping his hand around it and squeezing. 

“No.” 

You were shocked at his actions, and even more shocked at the immediate reaction your body had to him. You felt throbbing deep within you, and squeezed your thighs tightly together to accommodate for the feeling. 

“I’m not leaving until you tell me. Did you fuck my brother, Atan (light)?” 

He was still squeezing your throat, and you felt your pulse quickening when he moved and took a hold of you jaw, forcing you to look in his eyes. He looked mad, sad, desperate for an answer that would either mend or break him. You felt his intense stare in every cell in your body and felt yourself clench around nothing. 

You wanted to lie, wanted to see him suffer at least some of the hurt he’s caused you. But you couldn’t, not with how he was looking at you, not with how he was holding you. 

“Fuck you, Neteyam. I would never do that. Fuck you for thinking for a second that something like would ever even cross my mi-“

It wasn’t possible for you to finish the sentence, as his lips roughly slammed against yours, and you immediately, as if your body needed no input from your mind, raised your hands to the circle around his neck, pushing him closer to you. 

You moaned into the kiss, and the sound removed any ounce of sanity or self-discipline from his being, and he opened his mouth to deepen the kiss and slide his tongue over your bottom lip, begging for permission. 

He felt his hand drop back around your throat, squeezing, loving the feel of your quickened pulse, knowing he was responsible for it, for your swollen lips and dilated pupils, for the way you were squeezing your thighs together. You were his, to love, to touch, to do whatever he wanted to. 

He was so hard now, his loincloth was constricting around him painfully, and he knew if he kept going, he was not going to able to stop himself until you were writhing underneath him, until he made you beg and scream his name over and over, all night long. 

“Pathfinder, this is Devil Dog, come in, over.” 

Fuck. 

Your body ached at the loss of contact, as Neteyam removed his hand from around your throat and his lips from your own. He was panting, and tried to steady himself before he touched the little button on the radio on his neck, sighing deeply. 

“I’m here, Devil Dog. What’s your post? Over.” 

You turned your back to him, and took a few steps towards the river, trying to compose yourself. What the fuck did I just do? This was bad, for so many reasons, it was making you dizzy just counting them all. You couldn’t hear what Jake was saying to Neteyam, but it couldn’t have been good, it was very rare Jake would use the radio to communicate with his kids, you’ve only seen it once when there was a hunting accident that needed everyone’s attention. 

“You need to get back to the village, now. We have a situation. If Y/N is with you, bring her back, too. Over and out.” 

Shit, this can’t be good, Neteyam thought to himself. He looked over at you and saw you turned your back to him, hiding. You were good at that, pretending, denying, avoiding. Pushing your feelings aside was your favourite defence mechanism, had been ever since your mum died. 

His eyes softened and he felt stupid for having doubted you, for spending so many weeks losing sleep over something that never even happened. Guilt also immediately pooled in his gut from the kiss, the confession, the implications of it, all of which things he would have to deal with sooner or later. The horror at the thought of the consequences of his actions made his skin crawl, but he didn’t have too much time to dwell on it, knowing his dad expected them to hurry.

“Hey… we have to get back, dad said to meet him in the village.”

You nodded weakly in his direction, and started making your way towards the village. Once again, he found himself having to clasp your arm by your wrist and turn you around so you could face him. You refused to look at him, so he cupped your face in his hand and raised you head gently so you could look at him. His thumb was ghosting over your lips, that were still swollen and when his eyes met yours, he saw a sadness so deep it made Pandora’s oceans feel like shallow pools. 

“We need to talk, properly talk.” 

You just nodded silently and removed his hand from your face, and the last thing he saw was your back, walking away. 

You were deep in thought as you arrived in the village, and were pulled out of your musings when you saw a big commotion happening all around you. You have never seen the village like this.

There was a crowd of people by the big bonfire, so that’s where you and Neteyam figured to look first. 

“…and no matter what comes next, we will stand and fight, together!” You heard big screams and ululating as Jake’s voice boomed throughout the village, above all the noise. 

You saw Norm and Max, all the humans and avatars on the right of the Olo’yektan. On his left stood Mo’at, Neytiri and all their children, plus Spider. Lo’ak was screaming and beating his chest, whilst Kiri looked concerned, and Tuk was almost crying, with a tight grip on her mum’s hand. You made your way through the mass of people, reaching the foot of the large tree stump acting like a platform. Jake spotted you and helped you up, and you saw Neteyam following you from the corner of your eye. 

Since the speech was done, people started dissipating, and Jake turned his attention to the pair of you. 

“Last night, Neytiri and I spotted a star in the night sky that shone brighter than it ever had before.” 

Panic rose in your chest at his words, words that you knew could only mean one thing. “The humans are returning.” you said, meekly. 

Jake nodded in your direction with anger flashing across his face, before he composed himself. 

“We knew this day was coming, but it is definitely different when it is finally happening than the image you had in your head.” you heard Norm pitch in from somewhere behind Jake. 

“How long?” Neteyam asked. 

“About a week?” Max said, and the man with such a kind and gentle face was scared, you realised sadly. Everyone was scared. 

“Fuck.” Neteyam’s face was unreadable. The war he trained all his life for was finally on his doorstep. 

“I need you to complete your Iknimaya before then. Tomorrow, you will go perform your first kill. You are more than ready. It’s time. When the humans come, I need you with me. With us.”

You couldn’t swallow the lump that has formed in your throat enough to speak, so you just nodded. You were not ready. The last time you were on an Ikran, you almost died. You felt the phantom pain on your left leg flare up, and you were terrified at the prospect of another flashback triggering as you were fighting for your life on top of the Hallelujah mountains, trying to make the bond. 

The crowd eventually dispersed and everybody went back to their homes. There was a heaviness in the air, no smiles or singing tonight, no communal dinner where people animatedly exchange stories and anecdotes; you saw Na’vi hugging their loved ones, keeping them close at all times, as if letting go would mean letting go forever. The war was upon you, and with it, the possibility of loss and grief settled in the bones of every one of the villagers. 

You felt sick to your stomach. A shiver ran through your entire body, and, at the weakness that enveloped your being suddenly, you knew the effects of all the pills you took to mitigate your symptoms have worn off. The dizziness you felt was more than just a weak headache you could ride out, but a sign your human body was fighting to maintain the neurolink inside the pod. You didn’t have much time. 

“I’m gonna go to bed. See you all tomorrow.” You needed to be in your tent when you passed out, otherwise it would raise suspicion immediately and you couldn’t afford that. 

“Hey, you can’t leave. We still need to talk.” Neteyam said, lightly tugging at your arm. 

“Not today, Neteyam.” You removed your limb from his grasp and left without giving him a second look. 

You were pulled out of the linkpod quite violently by your own body recoiling in agony. You felt a stupid ping of gratefulness at the fact that, although due to horrible news, at least no one was in the lab or adjacent hubs at the current moment. You struggled to get up, and found the walk back to your room excruciating, like no matter how much you walked, it was not anywhere in sight. When you arrived, you went straight to the bathroom and barely managed to make it to the toilet before throwing up, your body violently convulsing in on itself, trying to expel everything from your body. You haven’t had a proper meal in this body in months, so all your body was managing to get rid of was bile, bitter and acidic on your tongue. 

When you were done, you pushed your body weakly towards the sink, and gargled the bad taste away with some water and mouth wash. You peered up at the mirror, and were alarmed by the face that met your gaze. You barely recognised yourself. Your face looked ghastly, the palest you have ever been, the hollows of your cheeks looking like pits of shadows and darkness. 

Your under-eye bags gave away how little sleep you were actually functioning under, how little rest you actually got in the last few months. You looked truly sick, although you didn’t know how much of that was the virus and how much it was just you… ignoring your body like you ignored everything that you had to work through, everything that required healing and spiritual effort, and trading it for a easy-to-digest fantasy.

You made your way towards your bed limply and was comforted by the bottles of pills you saw on your bedside table, that will provide fleeting relief. You passed out on the bed soon after, happy that the suffering could be over for at least some hours. 

You woke up a couple of hours before dawn, with a raging fever and chills running up and down your spine, and instead of struggling back to sleep, you got up slowly and put some clothes on, making your way towards the labs. Today was an important day, and you needed to be focused for it, you couldn’t afford the same thing as yesterday take place. In the medical ward, you scrambled in the drawers until you found what you were searching for. The holy grail, injectable morphine. You hastily grabbed a syringe and a needle, measured out the amount needed, shook the syringe to remove any air bubbles, and directed it to your arm, where you injected it in your vein. Placebo effect or not, you felt immediate relief, and you knew this would put you through the day. 

Norm came to the linkpod to help with the neurolink, and he gave you a worried look as he watched you settle in. 

“I think you should be taking a break from this.”

“Are you serious right now? The humans are literally circling the atmosphere as we speak, I can’t afford to take breaks now, you know this.”

“What I know is that you look about a week away from collapsing in my arms, and your Avatar won’t work without you, Ace. You’re always in the village, and you don’t sleep. You’re always running experiments when you are here. Look, I love your enthusiasm, and I love that you’ve finally getting outside and enjoying your life, but there’s also too much of a good thing.” 

You were started to feel anger pick at your brain, much like the virus you were carrying with you everywhere you went. 

“You made this for me. You made me this Avatar. You guilt tripped me into taking it. Now you’re unhappy I’m using the Avatar. Why don’t you make up your mind and let me know, Norm? In the meantime, I have to go.”

You lay in the on the pod and placed the metal frame on top of your body, and you couldn’t miss the tear that fell on Norm’s face as he closed the lid of the pod. 

It was still before dawn when your consciousness woke up in the blue body you’ve come to love so much, and you couldn’t help feel immense guilt at the words you spat at Norm. He doesn’t deserve any of this; he has been a surrogate uncle for you ever since you were born. He made you an Avatar, he built you a guitar. He helped you go outside and live your life, he was always there for you if you needed to talk, or vent. He has always believed in you, in your capacity to help, to do good, to overcome your grief. You would have to apologise to him come nighttime. 

You saw Jake make his way to you as you opened the flap to your tent. “Hi, kid.” Tensions were running high, you could tell, as Jake did not smile or make light conversation, as he always tended to do. He would always take the time to check in, to make sure you are doing well, which you appreciated massively. You loved having him and the rest of the family around. It felt like you belonged, for the first time in your life. 

“So you, Neteyam, Akoa and Heesu will go and they will watch you perform your first kill. Early tomorrow, we will go take the Iknimaya, and then you will be able to join Neteyam on raids and scouting. How’s that sound?”

“Sounds good, boss.” You saw him crack a tiny smile at that, and felt better you could still make him smile, even in these circumstances.

Neteyam came out of the tent looking… so good it made your mouth fill with saliva. He was holding his bow tightly in his hands, and he was adorning new jewellery, you noted. A beautiful black necklace, filled with beads and impressive craftsmanship, his red and green cummerbund tightly wrapped around his ribcage, and his knife tucked on his hip, all came together to bring about Neteyam Te Sulli Tsyeyk’itan, the future leader of the Omaticaya. But what really drew your eye, was a bracelet. A green bracelet that he kept around his arm, whose every bead and stone was imprinted in your mind, for the rest of time. Why was he wearing that bracelet, why now? What was he trying to tell you?

Neteyam found his gaze drawn to the girl next to his dad, the only girl that existed, as far as he was concerned. He barely slept last night thinking of you, of that kiss, of your confession, of the song, and he knew he had to make it right sooner rather than later. The humans were coming, not one of them knew what their lives were going to look like in a few weeks, and there was so much to set straight, the thought made him nauseated again. He had to tell you. Your eyes found his and he saw many emotions passing through them, and was happy to see at least one of them was passion, and yearning. You looked at him like you wanted to do things Eywa would disapprove of, and he felt himself twitch in pain for what felt like the millionth time recently. 

Neteyam led the pack away from the village and towards the forest where you would have to make your first kill. He had no doubt in his mind you would do well, he honestly doesn’t know why it has taken so long to do it to begin with. You’ve been ready for weeks. After stalking quietly through the forest for a couple of hours, you found a herd of Yerik. Neteyam closed his gap on you and placed a hand on your back, smiling to himself at the way you shuddered when he did. 

“You’ve got this. We’ve been through this and you are ready. Remember, keep a knee on the ground for support. Good luck.”

You nodded without looking at him, eyes plastered on one of the animals peacefully grazing on a bush. He saw you, focused and determined, aiming the arrow with precision and power, and he knew then you were made for this. You were made to be here, as one of the people, you were meant to be Na’vi. 

You made quick work of the kill, and immediately got up from your crouched stance and made your way to the now fatally injured Yerik. You removed your knife from where it was placed on your chest, and repeated the words he taught you weeks ago. “Oel ngati kameie, ma tsmukan, ulte ngaru seiyi irayo (I See you, Brother, and thank you). Ngari hu Eywa salew tirea, tokx 'ì'awn slu Na'viyä hapxì (Your spirit goes with Eywa, your body stays behind to become part of the People).”

Perfect, just like he knew you would do. You were nervous, he noted, but you also seemed happy to have finally done it, after all this time training. All four of you made your way back to the village, the two men accompanying you carrying the animal by its legs. Neteyam wanted to talk to you, wanted to get you alone so he can finally tell you all the things he had to say, that he needed to say, the secret that has plagued him for weeks and that drove a wedge between him and his baby brother. Unfortunately, it seems like the universe fated you to never be alone with him again. Right after you arrived at the village, Jake took all of you to gun practice and through strategy meetings about how to plan an attack once the Sky People decelerated. Those lasted the whole day, and before he knew it, you left to your tent again, leaving him to deal with his dad on his own. 

“Neteyam. Stay, I want to talk to you.”

“Yes, Senpul (dad)?”

“Did you tell her yet?” 

“Not yet. I’m trying to find some time, but it seems like we are never together alone anymore.”

Neteyam saw his dad sighing heavily and was scared for the hell he knew would rain down on him sooner or later.

“Neteyam, you have to tell her. You have asked us to keep your secret, and we have. We have all participated in this, and I am getting tired of lying for you. The kids don’t want to lie to her anymore, your mother doesn’t want for this to be a secret anymore. She deserves to know.” 

“You will tell her by the end of the week, or I will.” 

Your body convulsed as your mind woke up in your human form, and you tried to hide it as best as you could so whoever was helping you get disconnected wouldn’t notice. To your disappointment, it was Max. 

“Hey, sweetheart. How was it today?”

“Good, made the first kill. Going up the Iknimaya tomorrow, which can’t say I am particularly excited about.” 

“Oh, honey, you shouldn’t worry about it. It’s going to be completely different than that dreadful day. You are going to be able to control it, you will be connected to it. Plus Toruk has never been spotted this close to the banshee rookery, so there will be nothing making your Ikran nervous.”

“Yeah, guess you are right.” You said, not wanting to tell Max that rationalising it doesn’t achieve anything except making you feel stupid for being scared. “Where’s Norm?”

Max looked agitated for a second, but tried to compose himself enough to appear nonchalant about the subject. “Um, I think he’s in his room, he told me he wants to read this book he still hasn’t gotten around to, if you can believe that. He's been here for almost 19 years, you’d think there’s be nothing new to do here anymore.” 

You hoped you weren’t as bad a liar as seemingly everyone you have come across recently, otherwise your illness is not as much of a secret as you’d hoped. 

“He told you.”

“Yeah…” 

“I was such a dick. I have to apologise. I’ll go find him.”

“Maybe give him some time? He looked really upset, and I think he just needs to lick his wounds by himself for a while.”

“I didn’t mean it, Max. I am just tired and stressed because of the Iknimaya and the humans returning, not that that’s any excuse.” 

“I know, honey. He will be alright, just give it time. Time heals everything.”

You could only pray that was the case, for Norm….and for yourself.

You woke up the next morning groggy, feeling sick from your illness and sick from all the pills you ingested last night. If this was starting to be a problem, it was a problem you were gonna have to deal with later. Pandora’s box can hold a couple more issues for the time being. You made your way quietly to the medical ward and found the morphine vial you used yesterday. Withdrawing a few more millilitres, you injected yourself in the arm with it, instant relief flooding your system. You sighed happily and thought this was probably the closest you’ve ever gotten to feeling euphoric. 

Your Avatar body looked ready to tackle the Iknimaya, in all new garbs and a new necklace that Kiri made for you recently, as well as Lo’ak’s visors. Tuk and Neytiri were braiding your hair fresh, so you were all ready to go by the end of the eclipse. Feeling how nervous you were, Neytiri put her hand on your heart, and looked into your eyes and she placed the last feather in your hair. 

“It will be alright, ma 'ite. You have done better than any other Dream Walker ever has. Even better than the Toruk Makto. I know you are scared because of what happened in the past, but you have grown so much since then. You are such a special child, a gift from Eywa. There’s light in you no darkness can snuff out, and you were made to be one of us. Do not worry.” 

You let out a small cry and hugged the woman that could have been your mother in these 9 years after you lost your own, who has loved you and protected you every chance she got, that wanted to take you in the village and raise you as one of the people, but who you pushed away out of fear, out of terror at the possibility of more loss, more pain. She never held a grudge, she never turned her back on you, even after shunning them from your life, she understood you and welcomed you back with open arms as soon as you felt ready to join them. She saw you. You will never be able to repay her kindness.

“We’ll be with you. Kiri and I will fly and bring Tuk on one of our Ikrans. Spider, Lo’ak, Neteyam and Jake will come on their Pa’li with you and make the climb. It will be good practice for them. We all want to celebrate with you. We can all join you on your first flight, so this way it will be less scary.” 

You were fully crying in the crook of her neck now, unable to believe the luck you had to having been born somewhere where the Sullys existed at the same time. There was a lot of pain in your life, but this family would always be your good karma, it seemed. 

The climb was the most excruciating thing you have ever had to do. Every muscle in your body was pushed to its limits, and you were beginning to wonder how you were supposed to fight a huge animal after all of this. You understand now this is why this was the ultimate test of becoming a hunter, and why there were not many hunters in the Omatikaya. The thought brought a gust of confidence to your mind - you were doing this. You. You’ve gotten so far, further than any scientist on Pandora ever has. You grew up in a lab with severe agoraphobia and unsolved trauma and you still made it here. You will do this, because you have to. Because you’ve come so far. 

It was taking every ounce of discipline to not continuously stop and stare at the beauty of the Hallelujah mountains, that you have heard so much about, but never experienced for yourself, and you realised you needed to swallow often to compensate for the dryness you felt from your mouth being stuck agape in awe at the beauteous miracle. 

You found yourself peering up at Neteyam frequently throughout the climb, and thoughts about yesterday made your already drugged-out mind even airier. There was so much to think about, so much to talk about, but you couldn’t handle it right now. You couldn’t handle the consequences of that kiss and the hurt that would inevitably emerge from your star-crossed fate. You were dying. Although you didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to acknowledge the reality that your body was falling apart in front of you, it was happening. You probably had another couple of weeks before your heart gave out from all the strain the virus was putting on your whole body, just like it happened with all the other victims. 

As if he could feel you, Neteyam turned around and gave you a nervous look. You wondered what he thought of everything, how he felt. Was he happy about the kiss? Did he regret it? In his defence, he has been wanting to talk to you for days and you avoided him, unable to deal with him at the moment. He will just have to be another trinket in the Pandora’s box until you finished the Iknimaya. Making it to a large suspended boulder before you, he stretched out a strong arm for you, and you took it, happy to have at least some physical contact between you. His touch has always calmed your nerves, from when you were children, and now, as adults, that still hasn’t changed. 

He didn’t let go once you climbed next to him. Taking advantage of the fact you two were the last to climb, he took hold of your arm with one hand, and placed the other on your face, cupping it gently. His thumb found its way to your lips again, caressing them softly and you felt intoxicated from his touch. He brought his face close to yours and brought your foreheads together, breathing you in. You stood like this, staring at each other for a while, and it was like all the words you wanted to say to each other were spoken wordlessly. I love you. I see you. I’m sorry. 

“Are you guys coming or what?” You heard Spider screaming from a higher up boulder, and you reluctantly let go. He squeezed your arm one more time, and then motioned for you to climb in front of him. You weren’t far off now, you realised, and felt your heart picking up pace in your ribcage. 

Soon enough, you were there. You could hear thousands of banshees screaming and cooing, and you thought it was mirroring your internal dialogue quite well, loud and incoherent. Neteyam held a hand in front of your body as you made your way across a narrow ledge behind a waterfall, that connected the cave to the banshee nest. 

“Ok, kid. This is it. Are you ready?” Jake began speaking and you were trying to focus on him instead of the panicked feeling rising in your chest. 

As you were preparing to respond, you heard loud ululating from the sky, and immediately saw two beautiful banshees making their way to the mountain and settling in the cave you just left behind. You smiled at the view, excited that Neytiri, Kiri and Tuk could make it in time. They followed you to the nest and you brought your curled fingers to your forehead, greeting them warmly. I see you.

“Good luck, sister! I cannot wait to fly with you!” Tuk’s enthusiasm never failed to bring a wide smile to your face. 

You looked around at all the people who have travelled so far to come and be with you on this day. Your family, for all intents and purposes. You felt tears coming, but pushed them away with a sigh, trying to toughen your resolve. You gave one last look to Lo’ak, who was watching you sadly, the pain from yesterday still fresh in both your minds. You loved him so much, and hoped he would be able to forgive you in time. You touched his gift, now resting on your forehead, and gave him a grateful smile and a wink. He cracked a small grin and you knew then that your relationship wasn’t totally in ruins. 

“This is it, Atan. Now you must choose your Ikran. If it also chooses you, move quick, like I’ve showed you. You will have one chance. I will be behind you in case you need any help. Please don’t fall off a cliff, I don’t think my heart could take it again.” 

You laughed a little at his attempt of diffusing a situation. It wasn’t his best attribute. 

“Ok then, let’s dance.” 

Neteyam watched as you made your way through the Ikrans, and how they all flew away in fear at your sight - beautiful banshees that made him miss his own and reminisce about his own Iknimaya. You looked ready - powerful and confident, like you have always belonged here, with them. You were swinging your yìmkxa (mouth binder) and approaching each Ikran forcefully, hissing at them to hopefully provoke the right one. Eventually, a big banshee, bigger than his and most others he’s seen around, turns around to face you and does not remove itself from your path in the same way all the others had. It is a beautiful animal, white and gold with purple and pink wings and green stripes on its head, it looked different than any other in the village. Fitting, he thought. This was it.

He heard a loud hiss coming from where you were stood. The Ikran hissed back wildly and charged towards you. His heart was getting ready to exit his body at its speed and power, and he was panting in fear and anticipation, ready to jump in at any moment’s notice, in case you needed it. He saw you remove yourself quickly, skilfully, out of the animal���s way and wrap the yìmkxa around its mouth. Good, first step done. 

You then took a hold of your queue and jumped on the Ikran’s back, placing your thighs around its neck and squeezing with all of your might. The Ikran wrung its neck in an attempt to escape you, but you worked on this for months preparing for this day - you were not letting go. Neteyam saw the banshee make its way towards the edge of a cliff, and you wrapped the arm that wasn’t holding the queue around its neck for more support. 

Neteyam felt like he was going to pass out from the stress, and saw the next moments happen in slow motion, just like almost 7 years ago when you fell mid flight: the ikran managing to drop off the cliff, his wailing scream and immediate desire to join you, the hands of his mother and father wrapping around him keeping him in place, his own ikran dropping from a cliff at the sound of his call, him removing his parents’ hands forcefully and running towards his banshee, scrapping his arm painfully on the rock and the stabbing throb that followed, the feeling of a fresh injury and blood spilling down his arm, and yet still, no other thoughts in his mind than the need to save you, to right his past wrongs. 

He makes the bond quickly and before anyone could stop him, he’s in the air, flying around the rock and beneath it, trying to see where you could be. He was shocked to find you still on your ikran, holding for dear life while the animal was flying upside down, shaking itself furiously to get rid of you. He saw you drop the arm you were using to hold on to it, only managing to hold on by the strength in your thighs, and connected the queues with a loud yell.

“STOP!” He heard you scream. “TURN AROUND, NOW!” 

He couldn’t believe his eyes. You made your Tsaheylu, upside down, mid-flight. He watched as the banshee turned around and made its way back to where his family was, and he still had no words he could say to explain or describe what he was feeling in that moment. It was beyond words. He felt his arm twitching painfully and he quickly looked at it and saw the deep scratch that was leaking blood and staining his loincloth where his arm was laying. 

You did it. You actually did it. This little prick came at you with all her might and you still held on to her. You learnt a lesson or two from riding a banshee as a 13 year old defenceless human, and the most important lesson was: hold on for dear life. Good to see it came in handy. You also made it a point to thank Neteyam for making you hang upside down in trees to shoot down targets, you can see now it helped. You landed at the base of the rookery and watched as every one of your family members was smiling and yelling, cheering loudly for your accomplishment. They looked so happy, and you couldn’t help shed a small tear and the sight. 

These were your people, for the remainder of this short life, and you were happy you got to do this before you went. Happy you got to see them together, for you. You looked around at Neteyam and couldn’t see him, but then heard a loud, excited yelp from behind you. He looked so happy and proud, your heart swelled at the sight. This man would be the death of you, you knew. You loved him so much, and you knew it was time, time to talk through it. 

“First flight seals the bond.” he screams over the noise of the banshees and the waterfall. “Let’s go.”

The entire family called for their ikrans, and in less than a minute, you were airborne. You told your banshee to fly gently and straight, and held on tightly to her neck while you tried to adjust to all these new overwhelming emotions. The feeling of flying was incredible, so much more so than you remembered. Maybe because this time you were in control. The feeling of the Tsaheylu... Lo’ak was right, it was so much stronger than the Pa’li, the connection you had with this animal. You knew you were bonded for life, shared a kinship and bond no one could break until one of you died, maybe even after. The feeling of belonging, as you watched 5 other ikran fly alongside yours and help you through your first of many adventures in the sky. You felt grateful and happy to have made it so far before the inevitable end.

You made it at the village soon after eclipse, laughing and dancing while you walked back, hand in hand with Kiri who was rolling her eyes at you but joining in anyway. Tuk was holding your other hand, and you lifted her up and carried her all the way back while she played with your braids. 

As you arrived to your tent, you saw the rest of the family go into their own, with the promise you’d join after dropping all of your stuff. Neteyam stayed behind, closing his distance to you and only stopping when he was so close to you his chin was touching your forehead. It was only then you saw his arm, dried blood spilt everywhere and marring his beautiful blue stripes. His loincloth was also red, you noted, and saw the gash that was the culprit, high on his arm, still red and bleeding, although not enough to justify this much blood. It must have been bleeding for a while.

“What the hell happened to you?!” You said with a panicked voice.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” 

You raised and eyebrow at him and rolled you eyes, and pulled him to your tent by his uninjured arm. 

“Sit. I will clean and stitch it and then we can go for dinner.” 

He did as he was told, quietly sitting on the ground while you gathered supplies: some gauze, disinfectant, numbing cream, stitches and a needle driver, as well as some forceps and scissors. He squirmed at the sight, and you rolled your eyes again.

“You drive me crazy when you roll your eyes at me, you know? I would kill to be the reason your eyes roll in the back of your head at night.”

You blushed at his words, and sat next to him on the ground.

“You have to stop, Neteyam. We can’t do this again.”

You turned your focus on his wound, and began cleaning it slowly so as to not injure him further. 

“I can’t stop, Atan. I can’t think of anything else. I have so much I want to say to you, so much I need to get off my chest.”

He sounded sad, desperate for you to hear him out, his eyes pleading and pained. 

“How about we talk, after dinner? This time, you can be the one sneaking in my tent late at night.” you said sarcastically, not having forgotten his outburst from earlier and realising you were still angry at him for it. 

“Yes, please.” 

You sat in silence the rest of the time, as you worked with skilled, focused hands. You stitched his wound carefully, so as to not leave him with a scar. When you finished, you smiled up at him, and reached your hand to touch his face, moving a strand of beaded hair from it and pushing it behind his ear. He was so, so beautiful. He brought a hand to your chin and was pulling you closer, when someone entered the tent without making their presence known, making you both jolt back in shock. It was a girl. You’ve seen her before in the village, she was a healer in training. Beautiful and skilled, she was a good singer and a good craftswoman, making a lot of the clothes the Na’vi hunters wore. 

“Oh, Great Mother, here you are! Your mother told me about your injury, and I had to come find you so I could help!” She kneeled down on the other side of Neteyam from where you were sitting and touched Neteyam’s chest, moving him around looking for the bleed, that was no longer there. 

“Oh, it seems much better now than what was described. I guess it’s true what they say, you really are that skilled.” She turned her attention to you and smiled. 

“Thank you. I don’t think we’ve properly met.”

“You’re right, my bad! I’m Tiongli. Neteyam’s mate.” 

It was so quiet in the room now, you were sure they could both hear your heart break into a million pieces. 

Tag list: @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @k----a27s

[naritaren]

I started my taxes because I'm boring. And by started them, I mean I did the business taxes part. My regular taxes will have to wait until I get the magical forms in the mail. But my business taxes are due to the state on Feb 5th, so I needed to get them done and out of the way. Let's just say, for being my second year of actually having to do this, I did really well!

[thesecretattic]

I had made this… a WRITTEN SCREENBOARD and collage too, it doesn’t have Spoilers I have concealed everything as much as I could but I have shared what people could’ve expected to read there, those ILLITERATE IMBECILES are ASSUMING/SAYING the book only has “coincidences” or signs I REALLY wanted them to know this before committing Sui-cde I didn’t write 81000 words for nothing. I have to die before I go crazy I’m going mad due to him I have shared a link below Facebook: Zara Sauleh 7th Post from top which has about his and his friend’s OCD he asked for my personal details only to reject and insult me or what? Not talking about Aditya uncle no one cares about him it was HARSH who was pretending to be him go read that post! Even after 8 years he was so insensitive that he left me to die after ruining my life ever since I was 18-20 all my youth! I’m dy-ing a virgin I’ll keep repeating until my last breath I would’ve changed my gender if I would’ve been alive BECAUSE OF HOW HORRIBLE HE WAS as if I wasn’t a girl and rest everyone was that. He was impotent not me. And go through our signs (marriage one’s too) in all of my previous posts with screenshots and markings 23rd May, 2023 what was supposed to be my marriage number was the blackest day of my life so was 5th Mar he has ruined every significant date, started his drama on my parent’s wedding anniversary my mother and his mother share their birthdates too. There’s a lot more, my brother and his brother our fathers share so many similarities and I didn’t dig out any info I’ve written that in my book SS go find it. Never was a fan haven’t switched on the tv since 2015 BECAUSE OF HIM the tv has also spoilt now due to non-usage, go ask the service provider we threw the set top box (Airtel) ask them when the connection was stopped. Remove my details from Netflix n Prime office I don’t watch anything there either and GO SEE IF I HAVE EVER CREATED an account on VOOT I have NO ACC there. Like I said I haven’t seen him since Feb 2016 that too on social media I NEVER went on any of their profiles and FB office will reveal that my history is there. His fanclub came and liked but To prevent that also I had kept my notifications OFF I accidentally clicked on it after that Insta changed the notification panel and shifted to the top cuz I got a panic attack. Could be a wonderful stroke of luck or idk another girl too had complained about something and they’d made amends. He thinks ppl are taking his side? Unfortunately I’m dy-ing after this I was up all night crying waiting for daytime to put this and die it was a big decision (sharing this here) so I needed more time to think whether I should… and I decided to blur out certain things. I wanted to SHUT their ug-ly mouths it’s a slap there. Now finally bye forever “oversmart” ppl- Zara Sauleh

[letsgetshlushies]

TW: all kinds of mental issues, trauma dumping, talking bad about my friend etc

I finally reached my fucking breaking point. I've been busy with uni and all kinds of other stuff and now I'm on break between the 2nd and 3rd semester. I go to "art" school but it's more like digital art like programming, web design, game design, film etc. I'm working on my final projects for this semester and I'm doing pretty well. For my film class I wanted to film a trailer for a non existing 80s horror slasher and my friend from uni volunteered to work with me on the project (so the grade will count for both of us) I asked my best friend like a month before break started if she and her bf would play the main characters in the trailer and she said yes. From there on we planned everything, scouted locations, made probs etc. At one point my best friend says it would be nice if we could wait with filming until feb 13th because then she will be done with her last exam and i said sure, i know this is important for you so I will just work on my other projects before that.

In the last few days since the 13th i asked her countless times when she and her bf will be ready to film and i never got a proper answer. My project partner now managed to get the filming equipment from the school and on wednesday we would be good to go. I ask my best friend again if she has time from wednesday on. She said no. She works from today until Thursday, which i fully understand, but then goes to tell me she will spend thursday to sunday at her bfs place? Why? She knows i have to finish the project until the 5th. That would give us less than a week to film, cut and edit. I'm so fucking mad at her. If I would have known this I wouldve asked someone else or decided on a different idea entirely. I waited until the 13th so she could study for her exam and now that its time for my project she just goes to spend time with her bf? And my project partner is obviously affected by this too but Miss Antisocial obviously couldn't care less about anyone but herself or her boyfriend. I get it, you hate people and you're better than everyone else but why are you making that someone elses problem. I'm crying so much because this is my project and my responsibility and it's all falling apart right before my eyes. I was so excited to finally do this idea, especially with my best friend and I was so glad to have found someone who would do the project with me. We always say that we are soulmates. Eachothers ride or die. So why is she being so selfish now?? I just don't understand. I never had a single real friend up until 9th grade and the moment we met I worshipped her. And now it turns out she's just like everyone else. I am so sick of people. I am so sick of everyone. All humans suck and I wish this fucking planet would just explode already. I don't wanna be one of those cynical assholes that say you can't rely on anyone but obviously it's true. I have absolutely no idea how to manage all of this now. Why can she not put her plans aside for my sake just like i did for her? Is my education not important? Am I not important enough for her to do that for me? I hate people and I wish I wasn't one of them. People who will drop you as soon as they have found someone else. She started replacing me with her boyfriend the moment they got together. And my aroace ass doesn't understand. I hate love and I hate people who love, it's fucking disgusting and annoying and all my friends are dating and no one gives a shit about me. Friends are only placeholders until people find romantic love and its absolutely disgusting. All my friends with partners will ignore me and my messages until they finally can spare a second to type a one word reply. I'm so sick of everyone. I feel so alienated from everyone. I will never be able to related to anyone. I feel like nothing is real. I feel inhuman, like I'm a different species that got dropped on earth and I'm only here to observe. And now I'm crying and shaking because of that dumb fucking project. And as always I know I will get through this. And I also know I can't be mad at my best friend. She is my best friend after all. And if I would get mad she would play the victim card like she alwaya does. She will guilttrip me and trauma dump on me and tell me she will kill herself until I fold. I'm always the one who backs down. I'm always the one who understands. I never complain, I never tell anyone about my issues, I just nod my head and listen. That's what this fucking blog is for i guess. This will be the first time I tag a post because maybe someone has an answer for me.

[pidge2080]

Feb 5th, 2023

Yesterday I decided to buckle down and start restricting again, so here I am. I caught Covid in early December right after my throat infection went away and stopped restricting for fear that I might give myself long Covid or worse, but the good news is that around the same time I went to the doctor and he reported that my liver inflammation went down. Not gone, but restricting had demonstrably improved my health. After I recovered from Covid I began binging relentlessly and skipping my medication. I was in a bad way.

I decided that I wouldn't diet yesterday, since I had already eaten a lot of calories. Today, I fast for over 12 hours and tomorrow I restrict properly. I'm not sure at the time of writing this how long my fast will be since I made plans to walk to a fast food place with my friend in the next few hours. My hope was to fast until 5pm when it's time to take my medicine, so 17 hours.

My sister's old exercise machine is here now, and I just need her to find the power cord. Apparently it's some kind of combination bike-elliptical machine and I couldn't tell for the longest time if it was one or the other. I can't wait to use it, but my sister is up to her eyeballs in work and probably won't find the cord for a few days.

After that was done I walked for 2 hours or so to get Taco Bell. I was too sore to walk home after that, it looks like 2 hours is my limit. My thighs were chafing the entire time and it still hurts... I didn't used to have things like that happen.

My fast lasted just shy of 18 hours and I ended up at 496 net calories.

I'm not disappointed, I didn't plan to start restricting until tomorrow. So far I haven't lost any progress, I just didn't make any for two months and I need to make it up somehow.

[whatsonmedia]

Thursday Thrill: Exciting Events This Week!

Nicole Newman, the event editor of WhatsOn, has once more listed some amazing events for this week. The events have already begun, so don’t wait to put on your sneakers and have some fun this week. Here are a few of the week’s best events. UKG Brunch All Rave 4 Feb A highlight for this weekend's clubbing feast takes you to London for a bottomless UKG brunch daytime rave. If you are bored out of your brains this Saturday and at a loose end and love, love, love dance music then UKG is where you need to be. With liked minded clubbers heading on out to get their rave on for this whopping 8-hour experience. Taking an alternative approach to the clubbing experience, as most know it! You can feast on gorgelicious brunch food and wash it down with delicious drinks until the 60-minute clock stops. And then hit the dance floor, working up a sweat to some of the best dam finest UK garage music that anyone could hope for. This weekend has one extensive DJ line-up and live PA sets playing for an up-for-it regular and new crowd. Expect something very special as UKG Brunch is celebrating its 5th Birthday. This only goes to show this is one clubbing experience that's made its mark and is here to stay.    Bringing the party to one of London's most standout iconic venues, the Ministry of Sound which has hosted the best promoters weekly to sellout events. Hosting two mega rooms to have your best clubbing party in. Each features a DJ line-up playing non-stop garage music. In The Box is Matt Jam Lamont, MC Creed, MC Bushkin, DJ Cartier, MC Kie, Spin E.B {Birthday Set}, Twin MC's, MC Vapour, Masterstepz, Hyperactive MC, MC Rankin, RuffTuch, MR O.V and live PAs from Kele Le Roc, Babycakes   In The 103 - Hosted by Platform 81 is Mike 'Ruff Cut' Lloyd, Pied Piper, Listener, Vibesey {Essence, DJ Bright & Capital - B}, CKP, MC Ultra, Sharky P, Kofi B, Wicked MC and more Do you really like this? Then best get your tickets quick before it's a sellout! For more info & tickets ukgbrunch.com Heritage 7 4 Feb The Hare & Hounds has made its mark amongst some of the biggest-known venues in Birmingham. Smaller in comparison this holds no bearing on this venue. The point is it hosts sell-out parties. Why? Because those that go there know what they're in for and that's nothing more than a spectacular night of their life which leaves them wanting more. This venue is the venue of the revival parties from some of the standout clubbing brands of an era when the people going out were loved up in the music and the DJs giving us their sounds. The ones that kept the dance floors packed with happy smiling people. Not professional dancers, but making a maximum effort in dancing to beats that could be felt in the heart. Where there were no stabbings or violence and everyone looked out for each other. The Hare & Hounds is recreating this time again. Drawing a crowd of clubbers past but open to new ones allows them into a window of a time that people only lived for their weekend. Living for the weekend is more than a saying. It is real life and was what got you through the week with an excitement that was so overflowing come Friday it was hard to contain. It was ecstasy without taking ecstasy. The saying buzzing comes to mind.   Heritage 7 takes centre stage this weekend for the 7th birthday event. In Room 1 (hosted by Heritage) K Klass (DJ Set and Live P.A), Allister Whitehead, Andy Baxter B2B Alex Hammond, Neil Rushton, Sammy Dean, and Room 2 (hosted by Wobble) Justin Robertson, Lottie, Phil Gifford, Kezz For more info & tickets ukgbrunch.com Symmetry Recordings London 4 Feb The Steel Yard is a hallowed clubbing ground that has featured a vast catalogue of standout sell-out clubbing brands bringing a big capacity crowd. For February, heavy-weight bass connoisseurs will deliver a plate full of digestible D’n’B showcasing the excellence of its production. From months in the planning February event features a music intense line-up of carefully selected DJ pros including Break, Calyx, The Sauce, Kyrist, Sp: Mc, Fox Plus more to be announced. So keep your head to the ground! Causes it's gonna be a bangin' night! For more Info & tickets thesteelyard.london A Journey to “Close the Care Gap” 4 Feb Close the Care Gap will be the topic of World Cancer Day in 2022–2024. In 2022, the emphasis was on "Realizing the situation." The three-year campaign will come to an end with the theme "2024: Together, we challenge those in power," which will be followed by this year's theme, "2023: Uniting our voices and taking action." Let's fly the flag on this 4th of February. Let's use hashtags to take over social media and make it a hot issue to raise awareness. Most importantly, let's make a commitment to ourselves that we will be informed, that we will band together, and that we will be acting. For more Info www.worldcancerday.org Read the full article