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engagedtobefree · 1 year

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When the sadness comes, I don’t know what to do with it. Do I tell someone? Do I write it down? Do I call out sick just to sleep for the day? Do I go outside and try to forget? Whenever this happens, my mind always goes back to what Van Gogh said: “The sadness will last forever.” That’s what it always feels like. Out of all the terrible ways to feel, sadness is the only one that feels like it will never end.

I know this will pass, as all things eventually do. I think that possibly this bout of depression I’m going through is due to the new meds I’m on. My anxiety has also been pretty terrible too. I was on Strattera for about two months and it was actually helping me so much. I was amazed by how well I was able to function. But alas, my small glimpse into how non-ADHD people go about their day was not to last. I had terrible side effects, the worst of it being Akathisia and my libido was gone. The akathisia was so uncomfortable, but it might have come to pass eventually. The no libido thing, from what I read online about it from others, would only go away if I stopped the meds. It’s not like I’m having sex with anyone right now, but whenever I eventually do again, it would be nice to desire it. I read some horror stories, like people being on Strattera for years and then when they finally got off of it, their libido never came back. That was all I needed to read in order to decide that I wanted to try a different medication. I’m on Wellbutrin now and so far the side effects aren’t too bad, but I’m also nowhere near functioning like how I was on the Strattera. I’m hoping my psychiatrist does another dosage increase, but we’ll see. I’ve been contemplating going somewhere else for awhile now. She didn’t even want to try me on anything else after the Strattera because she thought I’d react the same way to every other ADHD med. I thought that was really strange. I’ve never had a psychiatrist think that, and the only other time I had that happen was when I saw a doctor for my mental health and she refused to change my dosage or try me on anything else. Well, I keep saying my psychiatrist but really she’s a nurse practitioner, but still, if she isn’t equipped to handle stuff like this then she should have someone else handle my meds. I can and will go somewhere else. I have no qualms about going to another psychiatrist if the care I receive is lacking, especially when it comes to my mental health. I’m not willing to give up so easily on something either. Like why would I stop after one medication when there’s so many others I could try? I’ve had a glimpse of what it’s like to function normally and I want that for myself long-term. It feels like all of my life there’s been this violent, howling gust of wind, following me wherever I go, even indoors. When the Strattera was working, it was like that wind finally stopped and everything became so quiet. It felt nice.

My friend Amanda saw an ADHD specialist and they prescribed her Adderall the same day. The downside with being on a stimulant though is that they don’t last and you usually have to take them twice a day, whereas non-stimulants have a much longer affect. It took me a week to go back to “normal” after being off the Strattera. I’ve heard nothing but good things about Vyvanse, but it’s very expensive. The patent or whatever finally goes public this month, so generic versions of it are expected later this year/early next year. But we’ll see. I do hope Welly-b starts working for me, but even after being on it two months now, I still can’t really tell. If this ends up not working out I might go where Amanda went, as long as they take my insurance. The downside though is if I want them to handle all of my meds then I have to make them my primary care too. I really like my GP a lot and it took me so long to find someone I’m satisfied with, so I really don’t want to change my GP over to someone else. I have a list of other psychiatrists I’ve looked into though so I could always go try them out first.

Another thing I’m struggling with is the situation with Scott. I haven’t been able to tell him yet what I want to say. When he reached back out to me some odd weeks ago, I felt really confused. By our third conversation though, I felt fully positive that not trying again with him was what I 100% wanted. Since then I’ve struggled with how I want to go about it and what I want to say. There’s been a few nights where I was sleeping by the time he called me, and the one night I felt super confident about doing it, he ended up not calling me. He did come over last Friday, and I just felt so awkward about it. I was also doing all the talking most of the night. His only contribution was asking for me to do sexual stuff, which I told him I didn’t want to do. He said that wasn’t the only reason he came to see me but I don’t believe him. I could tell he wanted to kiss me when I hugged him goodbye, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. I felt super disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t find the right words. This week I wrote out a little script, just to give me some place to start at least. Idk that I’ll even say anything I wrote, but it makes me feel better having something to fall back on if I need to.

I at least feel pretty sure that I won’t hurt Scott. At the most, he might just be disappointed. That was a big thing for me, just feeling bad that I had to do this and that it might cause him pain. My therapist Audrey told me though to remember that I’m not actually doing anything wrong, I’m just choosing what’s best for me. It hadn’t even occurred to me until she said that that I was equating possibly hurting someone’s feelings with also doing something bad. I am still unlearning always putting other people’s feelings first. It’s something that was ingrained in me since I was a child, so it’s taking some time. I’ve made some strides but I’m not quite at the finish line yet.

I’ve been thinking over so much with Scott, and I still have some healing there to do. It’s been a long journey with this healing, something I started probably around this time last year. Every time I break down and get through a bit of it though, I come out the other side feeling much lighter yet stronger. When I was triggered by everything with Chris (which I wrote about in a post which I have since put on private), maybe a week or two later, I had a breakdown and cried pretty hard. I had started thinking about everything I had dealt with regarding Scott, the whole situation I had been in when I worked with him, and it just flooded me with emotion. I hadn’t even realized how much it had affected me until now. I mean, I had just turned 26 when everything started, and Scott was just turning 44. I was young and taken advantage of. We were flirting and he never told me he was married. I didn’t find out until months later. I remember trying to keep my distance, but then after a bit he started flirting with me again and I’d naively believe he became available, but really he just didn’t want me to stop giving him attention. I just kept putting my faith in him like that for over 2 years. I would stop flirting but then he would start it back up again, and I’d think “oh, maybe he’s separated now or going through a divorce.” Then, after so long of it going nowhere and him not telling me anything, I’d ask him what was going on, and the responses I got would be “I’m married. That’s all there is to it” or “It is what it is”. And then the cycle would repeat. I look back now and I feel so angry and distraught for my younger self. I always gave people second and third and infinity amounts of chances, even when they proved to me time and time again they were undeserving of them. I just want to hold my younger self and tell her that sometimes allowing yourself to believe that not everyone is good is the kindest truth you can give to yourself. I see her, curled up and crying, in the light of the normal world, and I feel like I’m on the flipside, this place almost like the Upsidedown in Stranger Things, where I have seen the ugly truth of things and I know what’s there underneath the surface of it all. There’s a quote that reminds me of all of this: “You'll end up really disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.” Scott has only ever cared about himself. He never thought about me or his wife. I remember one day when I finally had enough of his shit I said angrily, “I’m a person with feelings!” I still remember how he looked at me, as if he was only just registering that my existence went beyond providing him any sort of gratification. Just another red flag I glossed over.

I’m sort of in this space now where I’m recognizing that I did have lessons to learn there for my own personal growth, but at the same time acknowledging that it impacted me a lot and caused me some trauma. I hesitated for a bit from using the T-word, but Audrey reminded me that even small traumas exist and that they add up. (On a side note, Audrey is generally pretty neutral with stuff, but in one of my recent appointments with her she was kind of encouraging me to cut Scott loose. I was surprised but it also shed even more light on how toxic this whole situation is and has been.) I see Scott now and I’ve come to recognize that all this time, I have just been holding onto hope that he’s a better person underneath all of this. He isn’t. Even now, while he says “sorry”, it’s only so he can make his way back in. Scott isn’t nice for the sake of being nice; there has to be something in it for him. And when there’s no one around to see him doing something nice, he’s gotta tell you about it so that you can praise him for doing something good. I could tell when Scott was here Friday that he wanted me to just give in and do whatever he wanted. That’s what I’ve always done. He’s always given zero to bare minimum effort and I’ve always shown him that that’s okay by accepting it. The me I am now is a hell of a lot different from the past me. I feel more resolute, more confident, and I know that next Friday, the 11th, I will be telling Scott I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want this to keep dragging out. I want a nice clean cut so that I can finally move forward. I think this has been weighing on me quite a bit. I remember how light I felt back in February when Scott reached out, then didn’t respond back to me, then I got pissed and told him off. I thought I would be upset and cry, but I didn’t feel heartbroken or anything, I just felt this huge weight lift. I want that again. I don’t want all of this on my shoulders anymore.

The book course I’m currently doing has helped me a lot. One chapter really stood out to me, where the author says you can’t expect to move forward if you have one foot in and the other foot out. My one foot is still stuck here in this situation with Scott. I can’t be with anyone else if I continue to not let go of this person and this situation. The Scott I have created in my head doesn’t exist. Somehow over the years, maybe as a coping mechanism idk, I have envisioned Scott in my mind as this really great person who I can have a beautiful life with, but he’s a fake, a phony, an imposter. All this time I have been afraid of losing this person who isn’t real. And when I look back at the moments I’ve had of breaking down this past year, it was never really about losing Scott. I’ve mourned the Scott in my head, I’ve mourned the potential of and with him, I’ve mourned letting go of something I’ve held onto for so long, I’ve mourned a future that will never exist even if I stay in this with him. I’ve mourned for myself, how I’ve been treated, how I’ve constantly sacrificed myself for someone who never even gave me a fraction of what I gave them. It’s time for me to let all of that go for good. In the chapter I mentioned above, the author also says “You have to be okay with not knowing. You have to be okay with having nothing”, and up until now, I’ve been repeating that but struggling with fully implementing it. But I’m ready. Today I woke up and I knew that I was ready and I know that next Friday is the day I break this off for good. I can’t explain how I know, I just do. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that it is better than this. I know that having nothing is better than having something terrible that I don’t even want anyway. Having nothing at least gives me the space in my life to one day let someone new in. Having nothing is more comforting than having someone who will only ever take from me and not care when they bleed me dry. Having nothing can be good.

I tend to get stuck sometimes in these places, but I always eventually move forward. I can’t ever stay stagnant, I can’t ever settle for things I don’t want. I always need to be moving forward. I’m just built that way. Life always has it’s moments of uncertainties, and some people are too afraid of that and let it stop them from pursuing better. I’ve always moved through those uncertainties. It might take me a bit, I might hesitate, but I always eventually make my way through. I kind of picture it as me standing on the edge of a cliff, and it’s windy and it’s cold and I’m miserable being there. I can’t turn away from the cliff, because there’s nothing behind me, there’s nowhere else I can turn to; I have to either stay standing on that cliff edge or jump into the water below. I’m always going to jump. I know the water is rough, and I don’t know where the waves will carry me off to, but I know that taking that chance is better than spending the rest of my life on that cliffside.

I’ve been writing a lot lately - I guess you could call it “poetry” - and I’m cycling through old traumas so that I can bring them back up, deal with them, and finally heal. It’s a lot to unpack, and many things I completely forgot about are resurfacing, which I guess technically is good since that’s what I want, but it’s still difficult at times to deal with. Writing has always been super cathartic for me, like when I write (or type) something out, it leaves me and transfers over to something else, whether that’s a screen or a piece of paper. It’s a really useful tool that has always aided me in finding healing and relief. Me going back through things I’ve never fully processed or healed has been tough but it’s necessary. The downside to me always being the type of person who continuously moves forward is that sometimes I don’t fully heal things that happened before I start moving forward again. Maybe that is somewhat normal though, as a lot of people tend to do healing as they move along or somewhere far into the future. But anyway, the poem I’m on now is about my first serious relationship that I was in from ages 18-20. It was an awful, toxic, abusive relationship, and looking back on that time now, I never really fully processed just how awful that time was for me. It took me many months of distancing myself from him and sitting and reflecting on my life to finally decide that I wanted to move on. I had an eating disorder at the time as well, and I was tired of spending my life being miserable and abused, not just by others but also by myself. I wanted more. So I left him and also decided to fully recover. Things weren’t easy and they actually got even harder for a bit. I still lived with my abusive mother and then 5 months after I ended my relationship, I was raped. I was unmedicated for all of my mental illnesses. I almost dropped out of school because it was all so much. I was just trying to build my life and myself back up from the darkest depths of despair and I really have no idea how I did it. Whenever I felt like giving up, I’d repeat to myself, “Keep going” and then I would be like, “Oh yeah, that’s right, I have to keep going.” It was such a small, simple reminder, but it helped me so much. I took things minute-by-minute and day-by-day; that was the only way I could get through everything. I’ve been thinking about that time in my life, a little over a decade ago, and I’m looking at my past self and she’s reminding me that I’ve survived worse. I’ve survived so much worse. That young woman and the choices she made started me on this path to make a better life for myself. It was still super rocky at times, I still struggled with other things along the years, but I am here now, age 31 and still going. I remember when I turned 30 how I cried because when I was younger I never thought I would live to see my thirties. I thought I’d be dead by now, but I’m not. That’s why when people say, “Ah I’m so old” when they’re actually not, it ruffles my feathers a bit. Some people never even make it past childhood, past their teen years, past their 20′s. Getting older is a goddamn privilege. But I get it, society has had a huge part to play in telling us we’re old even when we’re not. I had to unlearn that a bit too when I was younger and I’m glad I did. I am so, so lucky to still be here.

I was actually touching on some of these points with my friend yesterday. I could have died several times in my life, but I didn’t. It wasn’t my time yet and I’m grateful for that. My friend felt the same, as he did a lot of drugs when he was younger, especially cocaine. I didn’t mention my suicide attempt to him but I did talk about my mental illnesses, which he already knew about, and expanded upon how some people die from having an eating disorder for only a few months, and I struggled for years with mine. It got me thinking as I drove home about my suicide attempt too. I still remember the doctor coming in and talking to me. He had a very gentle voice that was full of concern. He told me that the amount of pills I took with the amount of alcohol I drank could have been lethal, and he was even surprised at how fast my body was recovering from what I just did to it. He said if I had taken Tylenol instead of ibuprofen that he wouldn’t be sitting there talking to me. I remember thinking, “Oh yeah, I knew that.” A few years prior, when I was in my abusive relationship, I had considered suicide and did a lot of research on what type of pills or pill combinations would be enough to kill me. I found out Tylenol could kill you if you took enough of it. I just hadn’t consciously remembered that piece of information thankfully. On my way home from school on the day I attempted suicide, I remember standing in the Walgreens and I had the ibuprofen in one hand and Tylenol in the other, both extra strength. I decided to put the Tylenol back because it was more expensive (not that it really mattered if I was going to die, but idk, that was just what I ended up basing my decision on). I didn’t know it at the time, but when I put the Tylenol back on the shelf, that was the moment I had decided to live. I took 97 pills out of 150 with 3/4 of a bottle of a vodka and Moscato mix (I don’t remember the mL, but it was a pretty big bottle). I remember when I was sitting on the floor taking the pills, my cat Jewel came over and laid on my lap, purring. This past January, 8 years and one day later from my attempt, Jewel was on my lap and we put her to sleep to ease her suffering. She had comforted me when I needed her the most and I can only hope that in her final moments I was able to give the same to her.

Okay, so this went off in a direction I didn’t plan on it going, so back to the stuff I really want to write about. My anxiety has been pretty bad this past week as I already mentioned, though it’s now beginning to ease up. I’ve had anxiety about literally everything, including Chris. I don’t know why I’m having anxiety about him. I mean, we haven’t dated, nothing has happened aside from some texting, and I don’t even really know him. I was doing good with just leaving the situation be and trying not to put too much thought into anything. This past week has been the total opposite of all that though. I still have absolutely no clue why he gave me his number. I have my next appointment with him mid-November, which we’re almost halfway to at this point, and I think it would be awkward that he gave me his number then just didn’t utilize that, unless he moves me off his schedule and onto someone else’s to avoid any awkwardness. He literally only texted me once and snapped me once; every other time I was the one initiating. I tried to space out me reaching out as much as I could, and then I just decided to stop altogether. I don’t want to bother him if he’s not interested or is already in a relationship or dating someone. He was at least viewing my Snapchat stories here and there, but he’s stopped that now too. I’m not sure why. Idk if I did or said something wrong, if I’m not who he expected, if he doesn’t even like me as a person, or maybe any of the previous reasons I mentioned, like just being not interested, not single, or dating someone else. Maybe it’s none of those reasons; I just don’t know. I think the last Snapchat story he viewed was a selfie from a few weeks ago (pic below). Maybe he isn’t really attracted to me like he thought, or maybe he thinks I’m weird. I was experimenting with some makeup that day and was just having some fun, but maybe to him it was some type of turn-off? I’ve always struggled with “needing” people to like me, but I have improved on this a lot over the years. Now it’s shifted more to when I like someone (in general, not just romantically) I hope that they like me too. Chris is just one of those people who I hope would like me back.

To continue for a sec on the whole relationship thing, if Chris is already with someone, that’s not a man I want anyway. I was in that situation with Scott and I hated it. It caused me so much pain and in the end I realized any man who goes behind his partner’s back is not someone I want to build a life with. He wasn’t “unfaithful” in the traditional sense I guess, but he would still come into work and flirt with me all the time. I wouldn’t do that to a partner and I would also expect them not to do that to me. It wasn’t until Scott separated from his wife and I became a potential romantic prospect that I realized I didn’t trust him. It was something I never thought about when we worked together because I never thought anything would happen between us.

Okay, so back to Chris. This has all been so confusing, and I have been trying so freaking hard to stop thinking about all of this and put it out my mind. I don’t even really know him and yet, somehow he left some type of impression on me that I can’t shake. I usually don’t care much about men. I don’t worry my head about them and in general I’m just not into them that much. I’m not into women, but it’s just very rare for any guy to catch my attention, and pretty much always a guy is interested in me first before I take an interest in him. With Chris I took an interest from day one. I don’t feel like writing out everything I have previously, both in my public and private posts, as I hate being repetitive, so I’m just going to add a few new things here. When I had my second appointment, I was very on-guard, observant, looking for any red flags, any type of feeling I had or action or anything he said that would raise alarm, and there wasn’t anything. And I keep thinking, “Maybe I missed something” but I just don’t think I did. If I did somehow miss something, I don’t know how it happened, because that’s never happened before. Ignoring, yes, missing, no. I’ve also made some connections, first with comparing Chris to Scott and then realizing that it goes beyond Scott to literally every other man I’ve been with. Chris is warm where they were cold, open where they were closed, generous where they were selfish, comforting where they were distressing. And again, I don’t really know him and that is all based off of just our few brief interactions, but I can’t help feeling like I know deep down that all of that is true. I can’t find the right words to really explain that inner knowing. Yet on the flipside, my mind won’t stop questioning everything. Part of me feels annoyed that I let myself get too hopeful about all of this, another part of me is really bummed that that hope was false, and then another part of me is still holding onto that hope, telling me not to give up yet. I’m being tugged in these different directions and I really, really want my brain to just shut up because I’m tired of going in these circles trying to figure out something that isn’t figureoutable. I just keep trying to redirect my brain to the positives I got out of this: the hope that better is out there and I can move forward, I’m writing again and reading again and beginning to slowly incorporate some things I love back into my life, and this little fire I feel kindled in me to try even harder in life than I already was. Meeting Chris has certainly been a blessing, even if this is as far as knowing him ever goes.

Then sometimes I just stop myself and ask, “Am I really ready to date someone yet?” and unfortunately the answer to that is actually “no”. There are things I need to take care of still. I need to kick Scott out of my life, first and foremost. I also have to find an ADHD medication that works well for me, as I really cannot bring anyone into my apartment in the state it’s often in, which is pure and utter chaos. It looked so good when I was on the Strattera. Also, I feel like I need just a bit more time to myself. I think it was the last week of June where I got dressed up and did my makeup, went out to a café to write, and then bought myself a nice dinner. Last month I wanted to do the same thing but try out a different café, but that ended up not happening. I did take myself to the movies instead to see Guardians of the Galaxy 3. I was going to ask my one friend to go who I know didn’t see it, but I decided I wanted to go by myself. I’ve seen a majority of the Marvel movies with my dad, it was always just our thing ever since we went to see the first Iron Man together. My dad was diagnosed with cancer this year and it’s been a tough pill to swallow, especially with each new test he’s had giving worse and worse news, and they still haven’t started his treatments yet. His insurance company has also been difficult and recently denied the last test he was supposed to get done. I wasn’t sure if seeing a Marvel movie was going to be upsetting, so I decided to go by myself to cry if I needed to without having someone else there needing to worry about me. I actually ended up not crying during the movie itself, but I did cry a bit on the drive to the theater.

I’ve been thinking lately about how I’m living, and trying to pivot towards what I want. What I want is a soft life. I want a life where I feel full and whole on my own, where when someone else is ready to come in, we complement each other. There is no need for completion; we are already complete. I want a life where I’m so connected to what I’m doing, where I have my yoga every day and my studying, where I’m following my dharma completely and fully. A life where I can thrive without needing an office job anymore. I want my astrology, and friends, and leisure time, a beautiful clean home, a garden, less stuff and more moments to enjoy, less distraction more presence, less doubt and more trust. I want to be so full of love and have a life so full of love that everyone I come across can see it. I just want to enjoy as much as I can as fully as I can. I want a simple, soft life. I know there will always be difficulties, but I want a life I love so much that it overshadows anything that can ever be thrown my way. And sometimes, I see glimpses of all that and that is what my life feels like, so I know it’s possible. I know I can have that all the time. I have been trying to be less digitally connected, less online, less on my phone and more in the here and now. I’ve been doing fairly good, and I’ve been a lot more mindful of it lately. I wouldn’t say I was attached to my phone before, but it is something I’d use as a crutch, like in certain situations or just to pass the time. Now I just look around and try to engage with what’s going on around me. It’s nice.

My Vedic astrology app is always on point and supports me just focusing on myself for this time. I get updates every few weeks or so, so the focus will shift to something else then. The one I received this weekend is below.

So scary accurate. I wrote all of the paragraphs up above before even getting this notification. All of my updates are always like that. It’s crazy. It’s also weird that they even mentioned someone else in this one, especially considering how I’ve strongly felt recently that I would like for Chris to like me back. It also touches upon how I view him.

I’ve been getting back into my astrological studies and recently, the nodes of the moon shifted into Libra (south node) and Aries (north node). This transit affects me a lot as a Libra sun, and it actually represents themes I’ve really been focusing on this past year, like setting boundaries, believing in myself, and focusing on caring for myself instead of always focusing on others. There’s more than just those few things, but those are some big ones for me. I’m glad I got a head start, even though I didn’t realize at the time that this transit was coming. Also, the north node in Aries is transiting my 3rd house of communication, which means my focus now is about moving swiftly and confidently (Aries) towards connecting with others, taking time to write, pursuing my studies and taking action on what I want to achieve, etc etc. This will be a challenging time for me as a Libra, but I actually love these challenging astrological aspects. I know at the end of this transit - a year and a half from now - that I’m going to have grown so much. I thought this was weird at first that I would get excited for these challenging transits, but apparently that’s the right way to go about it. When I had my Saturn return a few years ago, I couldn’t wait for it to begin. A lot of people tend to fear their Saturn return and other difficult transits, but after mine started and I dug in a bit deeper, I learned that the best mentality to have during these times is a growth mindset and remaining positive. So that made me happy.

To end here, I’d like to just touch base on some ways I’ve been setting boundaries that I’m very proud of myself for. I’ve started implementing them with my mom, and she’s gotten mad at me for protecting myself, but then that always eventually passes. My mother doesn’t have any boundaries whatsoever, so I also grew up without any. She also doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries when they do have them. I have tried so many times to give my mom advice on things, and sometimes she kind of starts to make changes, but it doesn’t ever really last long. Recently I’ve been encouraging her to at least get on some anxiety medication, and she actually brought it up to her therapist. So me making my own boundaries has also been benefiting her a bit too. I also had to set a recent boundary with an ex. So 3 years ago he reached out to me and asked me for blowjob tips, then proceeded to tell me he already gave his friend a blowjob, and then asked me to have a threesome with them. I had to say no four times before he finally left me alone. I wondered what about me made him think I’d be interested in something like that, but then I realized he probably didn’t think about that at all and was simply asking a bunch of women he knew. I have always tried to be nice and considerate, even when others don’t give me that in return. I was firm with my “no”s but really, I shouldn’t have cared about being nice at all in that scenario. Well a few weeks back he reached out to me again in the same exact way. I know this because for whatever reason, our conversation in Snapchat from three years ago ended up being saved in there, but I remembered our conversation anyway because it’s not everyday you get asked by an ex-bf to give him blowjob tips and have a threesome with him and his friend. Anyway, as soon as he asked for bj tips I said, “I am not interested in this conversation”. He completely ignored me and kept on going. I paused for a minute and reflected on how to respond to that. Then I realized that this guy isn’t respecting me, so why should I show him any kindness? I wanted to protect myself. That was my first priority, and I don’t need to tolerate this behavior from anyone either. When I responded to him I said something along the lines of, “Whatever list you have me on, cross my name off of it. I am not interested in anything you’re going to ask me for and that’s never going to change. The answer is no and it will always be no”. His response was that he didn’t mean anything by it and he just thought I was a “cool friend”. 😑 Like, dude, we don’t even talk. I am not your “friend” and I am not stupid enough to believe some lame ass excuse. He can miss me with that bullshit cuz I blocked him 🤗 I was very proud of myself. And you know what? I didn’t even feel bad about it! Setting such a strong boundary felt so freaking nice and empowering. It’s also such an incredible feeling to see all of the growth I’ve done not only this past year but also from the past few months. I’ve come such a long way and I’m going to go even further. Self-love, self-preservation, self-confidence, self-care....it really is so essential to practice all of those things. Anyway, this is it for now, not that anyone other than me is reading this lol

#personal #chris #scott #yours truly #it took me three days to write this #🙃#also idk why i always have to start my posts off so dramatically #cuz the rest of it is always just me ranting

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