#vs the majority of positive interactions/opportunities you do have because of that skinny body

[ilblogdellamati]

I'm not usually one for victim olympics but underweight/skinny people acting like the adversity of growing up with their body is the same as the one we faced growing up overweight/obese has me stressed the fuck out. Half these boohoo motherfuckers would literally not have made it to adulthood if they looked like me do not piss me off

[thevirgodoll]

I need advice for confronting my friend about skipping meals, it gets pretty awkward and she brushes everything off. The anon reminded me to ask you for help about this.

This is a very, VERY touchy subject and I know you know this. I’m happy you approached me with this because this is directly up my alley in subject matter.

PSA: With things like self harm behaviors, understand that it’s difficult to get a loved one to admit it’s happening because of the brain’s response towards confronting it: shame, guilt, and burdensome feelings. And if she has been doing this awhile, by now her brain has been conditioned to use this as a positive coping mechanism because it relieves her of whatever is going on in her life...

So try not to be too hard on her. I know a lot of people get easily frustrated and place blame but perspective and empathy is extremely necessary if you’re going to be here for the long haul because this is not something that she can just stop doing. In the past, people were very ignorant about any self harm behavior so I really had to get that off of my chest so you could approach it correctly.

Things to know and consider:

Think of her history. Has there been any life changes? Has she ever had mental health problems? What has happened before the eating habits?

•Something deeper is usually going on when an eating disorder actually occurs. It is not about food entirely, it’s about emotional eating and lack thereof depending on which ED it is. Now sometimes it’s not always due to the person’s own doing (some medications can create issues), but most of the time it’s due to an underlying problem that has been going on for a long time.

•She may withdraw from social interactions as a result of this disorder. This is a symptom of her illness.

•Often times, eating disorders are coupled with depression and anxiety. So keep in mind, her mind is a hard place to be right now if this is the case.

•EDs can create a need for control. If she feels out of control in an area of her life, in some way, it helps her feel in control of something.

Symptoms to check off (not all have to be marked; this is for everyone’s reference to keep and have):

•Fear of weight gain to the point of obsession

-> conversations pertain to cleaner eating or wanting to look better, expresses disdain

-> obsessed with fitness or diet apps to the point of concern

•Excessive exercising

-> upset if they cannot exercise

-> increases exercise, but avoids increasing calories or is on a fad diet/extreme regiment in an unhealthy manner

•Irrational perception of body weight or image

-> checking body fat, tugging on skin

•Weight gain

-> compulsive eating, large quantities of food

•Lying about eating habits or downplaying them

•Food often on mind or always an issue

•Skipping meals often or rationalize skipping meals

•Cutting food into pieces to make it less obvious that it’s not as much food

-> habitually does this or only eats certain portions, weird rituals around foods, maybe a lot of condiments

•Avoiding eating with other people

-> goes to the bathroom often during meals

-> gets upset during meals if certain meals aren’t available, refuses to even eat

•Hiding food

•Fatigue, lack of concentration, irritation

•Uncharacteristic social withdrawal and isolation

-> A note about mood: Extremely depressed or seems extremely energetic depending on mental state. Mental health concerns are definitely there.

-> Caffeine may be involved if they are overly hyperactive to lose more weight

So, keep in mind that it’s not just one type of eating disorder which is why I included many different signs off the top of my head. Sometimes, people are unaware that their behaviors are unhealthy until it’s too late. Some people won’t accept they have an eating disorder, especially black women.

Something to know: Black women, regardless of specific nationality or ethnic background, tend to have a certain culture around food, so eating disorders with Black women are often overlooked. Black women adopt cultural values that are linked with binge eating disorders, and are at high risk for emotional eating. Many will not ask for help. The stereotype continues to be that it is just the Black woman being “fat” or “needs meat on her bones”.

Why? It is due to the societal and cultural expectation. Most women in media are depicted as white, skinny women or plus size white women for opposite ends of the body image / ED spectrum.

However, the culture around Black female bodies is something to be acknowledged... the rates of “thick” vs. “skinny” body image problems regarding Black women. Anorexia is the rarest disorder amongst Black women, and Binge eating is the most prevalent.

What To Do Now?

When someone downplays an eating disorder despite you pointing out the symptoms, it’s not personal. It is a symptom of their illness. Persistence and empathy is key. Take a different approach than aggression in order to get them to open up.

Do not say how they look when starting your sentences...they have a perception already of how they look and it won’t work. Do not say what they “should” do for your benefit of seeing them well, this will come off aggressive. They will tune you out, and feel like a burden. If anything, you want to put your empathy above all. Do not frame their behavior as something malicious that they are doing to you. These approaches are often used and alienate the person, which makes the process longer. No ultimatums also. People always say “if you do this again I will stop being your friend.” It ruins it and drives people to more self harm behaviors often or worse, suicide / hospitalization due to feeling alone (more than they already do). Do not do this!

Have patience, move forward with love, and involve empathy not pity or demeaning language. Avoid “should”, “need”, and “you don’t”. Just speak from a place of concern, because that’s your primary feeling. No lecturing, no criticizing. Pick a private place, where they will be calm. NO OFFERING SOLUTIONS! It’s about offering SUPPORT! Do not tell them what they have to do! Just use “I” statements only! If there is resistance, again, be patient because this is hard for THEM! I say this with a lot of conviction because it is extremely serious!

Example: “Hey ____, I’m really worried about you. Perhaps I am wrong in my observations, but this is what I see(*this allows them to not feel defensive*). I feel like you are struggling with something(gives them the chance to open up). I want to help you and I am here for you.”

Example: “Hey ____, I really wanted to speak to you. I feel like something is going on. It’s hard for me to see you unhappy (observation of how they have been acting, no weight comments). It’s really scary to watch you skip meals sometimes(shows that you are concerned and have noticed). I want to help you. I want you to know I’m here for whatever you want to do. I’m listening to you.” *The ending gives them an opportunity to feel supported because they are. If they show response to wanting to take the next step / or open up to you about the eating disorder then say this: “I’ll even go to the doctor with you. I will be in the appointment.” And please go with them!

Good luck and keep me updated! We should all stick together on mental health (especially us black women.) Always send me questions like this!!! ❣️

xo, thevirgodoll ❤️

*If anyone is curious as to why I’m so knowledgeable, I’m a psychology major girl, I had research ready before I answered because I already did research on this topic a long time ago in an essay for black women and EDs. I got my clinical reference from earlier lol -> clinical reference to black women and eating disorders link study