#vs staying where it's comfortable and safe and confined

[mangobubletea]

you ever finish a game and you're like. i am fundamentally changed as a human being

[youarejesting]

Mad

[MASTER LIST] Beta: @fluffy-fluffu​ Rating: 18+ Pairing: Taehyung x Reader x V Genre: SMUT, mature, angst, fluff, mystery, thriller Words: 4.9k WARNINGS & TRIGGERS: psych ward in a mental asylum from back in the 1920’s, misguided medical practices; Electroshock therapy etc. Multiple personality disorder/alter ego’s/Dissociative Identity Disorder, Sex, Dirty Talk, Masturbation, Fingering, Exhibitionism, Voyuerism, blow jobs, Yandere V. If you squint for a split second there is like a slight hesitation in the reader but they consent. Nurse sleeps with the patient. Sad boy Tae, Tae vs. V, Talks about cum, Restraints, Sedation.

Summary: Taehyung from room 10 on the ward is being haunted by V a mischievous sexual deviant. Taehyung likes puzzles and his friends which includes you. But V likes you, your hair, your face and the warmth between your thighs. It’s a fight between Taehyung and V who will win?

Authors note: This is in no way shape of form a diagnosis of DID or multiple personalities nor is it an accurate depiction of said mental disorders or illnesses. This is purely fictional. If you are triggered by old medical horror please don’t read. If you identify anything you think should be added to the warnings and triggers let me know so I can warn others.

“The patients on this ward are docile, they won’t hurt you” the nurse explained, smiling softly. It was your first day, you were a fresh new nurse and it was safe to say you were a little scared of your new working environment. “The only one we want you to look out for is um, the patient in room number 10” 

“Number 10?” you repeated. 

“Let me introduce you to some of them.” You had already met some, there was a group who thought they were kittens and puppies and it was adorable. “Hyuka, don’t scratch the mattress” the head nurse chided before guiding him to the bathroom. 

You heard a noise from room 10. It  sounded a lot like something fell. You walked over and quickly scanned over his chart. “Patient is manipulative, he can do whatever is needed to get what he wants, compulsive sexual behaviour, the patient has two prominent altering personalities, Taehyung and V. When the patient addresses himself as V it is best to leave.”

You unlocked the door, peering inside you saw him cuddling his pillow in deep slumber. He seemed to have knocked something off from the bedside table in his sleep. You sighed softly before walking over, trying not to wake him while doing so. 

He had a beautiful face. It was honestly making you feel self conscious to be around him, you fought the urge to brush your hand through his soft curls and crouched down to pick the book up off the floor. 

You stayed crouched whilst examining the book. It seemed to be a comic book you concluded, a famous one that you knew of. You moved to put it back to its original place. As you were about to stand you turned to the patient to see his eyes open, staring directly at you. 

“Hello?” He yawned rubbing his eyes “I am Taehyung”

“Hello Taehyung, I was just picking up your book, how are you feeling this morning?”

“I’m tired, who are you?”

“I am the new nurse” you smiled as he sat up rubbing his hand over his arm casually scratching an itch.

“You are new, that’s exciting” he smiled sitting up properly on his hospital bed showing his impeccable manners “What’s your name?”

“My name is Nurse Y/L/N,” you said with a soft smile trying to appear friendly. From the hall you heard the head nurse call out.

“Kim Namjoon, please don’t try to escape this morning. We are about to serve breakfast okay? You know breakfast is important to fuel that big brain of yours, so sit back down while I will get you a book. How does that sound?”

You turned to look at the door which was still a fraction open, when a hand touched your hair.  Your body went stiff, heart racing in fear. You had turned your back on him. One of the most important things to remember on your first day and you had to let him get the upper hand. 

“Your hair is really pretty, I like the colour” he smiled and you turned, giving him a polite and gentle smile. 

“Thank you Taehyung, you are so sweet” you smiled. “Are you hungry? I can bring your breakfast in, if you would like?”

“I have to shower first, I have a schedule; shower, breakfast and then I get to do some activities” he said 

“Nurse y/n?” The head nurse said “is everything okay?”

“Yes of course Taehyung and I are just talking, he is telling me about his schedule” you smiled 

“Well aren’t you nice this morning Taehyung,”

“Hello Taehyung, are you ready for your shower?'' the male nurse appeared at the door smiling. Stepping past you he uncuffed the patient's ankle chain that restrained him to the bed, there was raw skin where the metal dug into his flesh and some blood stains on the corner of the sheet. 

“You must be the new nurse. I am Jihoon, a resident nurse on the ward, if you need any help, or there is something you're not comfortable with you can call me,” he grinned, shaking your hand. You thought you heard Taehyung scoff which made you blink up at him curiously. You shrugged it off thinking maybe it was all in your head. 

“My name is Y/n,” you prompted yourself to move on, “it’s nice to meet you” 

“Nurse Y/n, could you get some spare clothes and bring them back?” Jihoon asked softly, “Tae’s clothes are in the green cube on the shelf.”

You went along the corridor and found the cubed shelves. Each cube seemed to have a coloured basket, the green one had Kim Taehyung written on it. “Hello?” A voice called behind you, you turned to see two young men sitting playing cards at a table. 

“Hello, my name is nurse y/n, What are your names?”

“My name is Hoseok” the man laughed

“And I am Jungkook-ah” the other said sweetly “we are roommates, will you sit with us at lunch?”

“I will have to see if I am allowed. I don’t want to get in trouble,” you grinned before waving and heading back to Taehyung’s room where you heard the sound of banter coming from the bathroom. 

“You don’t want to miss breakfast,” Jihoon said standing in the doorway, keeping a lookout for any sudden movements. “Oh Y/n! Thanks, you can leave the clothes anywhere”

You took it upon yourself to make the bed and tried to disregard the blood and other intimate stains on the white sheets. You looked up and caught sight of Taehyung in the reflection of the mirror, he was watching you. His eyes were not wide with curiosity as you thought it would be, no rather they were hooded with something darker. 

“Nurse Jihoon, I am almost finished with my shower” he moaned, still staring at your reflection, you saw how his arm shook and how his lips fell open in ecstasy. “I just have to finish this, it would be quicker if it wasn’t my own hand for a change”

Once the bed was made you ran off into the hall trying to ignore the sounds and clear the images from your head. 

You helped serve breakfast and smiled sitting with the two young men from earlier. The nurse who showed you around had approved of the two boys, saying they were harmless. She did however have a bit of a laugh, “this one is Hoseok and that one isn’t Jungkook, his name is Jimin, they are roommates one has narcolepsy and the other is a pathological liar”

You sat down, talking with them about their card game and laughed at some of their jokes. Jimin promised you the world and told you sweet nothings. He even proposed to you several times, you concluded he was a shameless flirt. 

“Hey Jiminie?” Taehyung said walking over, and brushing his fingers along Jimin's neck, “you want to play a game of cards?”

“I can't, I have to go to a photoshoot today.” He said before standing up, “I should get ready.”

“What a shame, maybe next time?” He smirked. The boy across the table started to draw frantically. You looked over and saw it was a general shape and the clothes and hair were that of Taehyungs but the face was distorted. You hummed at the boy's work.

“Nurse, the young ones are going to play outside.” The head nurse in charge of this ward announced, eyeing Taehyung carefully. “Would you be so kind as to watch over them? Please make sure they don’t eat anything strange.”

“Of course. I will be back in a little while,” You told the boys, they were so cute, it was like playing make believe but there was no turning it off. They really thought they were cats and dogs and you loved them already despite it only being your first day. You wanted to protect them while they were in this headspace no matter what.

Looking up at the second floor of the hospital you saw Taehyung pressed against the glass looking down at you. He seemed to be angry at the fact that you were playing with the boys. You saw him get dragged away from the glass and you could not help but feel concerned, hoping he hadn’t gotten hurt.

You didn’t see him for the rest of the day he had been confined to his room and when you walked past all you could hear was crying and begging. You went to open the door but Jungkook, the silent patient grabbed your wrist gently. He handed you two sketches one was labeled Taehyung and it was him smiling and looking happy and genuinely adorable. The other was labeled V and it was the distorted picture from the morning. You flicked through the rest of the book and saw the others drawn, they looked a little different from real life but you knew who was who. The five young boys were drawn as cats and dogs making you smile.

The next day started a little differently, your shift started at lunch and you saw Taehyung sitting at the table looking forlorn, he was bandaged and looked weak. “They sedated him yesterday”,one of the nurses gossiped, “apparently he was trying to come onto one of the nurses working yesterday”

“I wish it was me, I would let him do whatever he wants,” Another nurse whispered back, you ignored them as you walked over and smiled “Good afternoon, how are you all feeling today?”

“Nurse y/n! You are here” Namjoon said, “Tell me, do you have any books to read at home?”

“I have a small bookshelf, why?”

“Well, I am bored and I would like some more books to read” He said and you hummed, “How about instead I tell you a story little by little so you have things to think about throughout the day?”

He reluctantly accepted and you started the story. There was a small giggle at one of the jokes made by Taehyung and you smiled, he looked so tired and soft in his little blanket, his wrists and ankles bandaged.

You were there for a while and the group began playing different card games, you had to explain some of the games and they picked up the concept quickly.

Taehyung left after a while, yawning while stating he was too tired to continue playing and the boys waved goodbye to him. 

Jimin who just yesterday was afraid of him, walked him to his room, practically carrying Taehyung on his back while singing that they were soulmates.

It was odd because Taehyung didn’t seem that strange and when he did it wasn’t as extreme as people made it out to be. You had noticed Taehyung was a sweet boy, whilst V was just a little more forward and flirty. 

Sure he still had his tendencies to do inappropriate things but you tried to ignore those moments and be professional at all times. 

The problem was they began haunting you at night and you were finding it hard to keep your fantasies at bay. He was charming, flirty, and pleasing to the eye, could you really be blamed for being attracted to him? 

The first time you met V and you mean really met V was when you were greeting him one morning and he sat there smirking at you. 

“Hey there bad kitty, you want some milk?” He had his hand wrapped around his hard shaft. It was thick and the tip was an angry red, oozing out precum.  “I want to give you all my milk, but you're a bad kitty and won’t take it”

You tried repressing the images from your head, squeezing your thighs together for some sort of friction, nothing has ever aroused you and made you this wet so quickly. Ignoring him as he jerked off on the bed you continued your act of nonchalance at his actions. You picked up his clothes off the floor and placed them in the wash basket. 

You dodged his hand reaching out to grab you and he frowned before going back to his previous task. You cleaned his bedside table, he was becoming very vocal and more profoundly dirty as time went on. He had resorted to explaining everything about what he wanted to do to you in great detail. 

Your underwear was soaked at this point and you were finding it hard to breath. You had to leave right then, you didn't know how long you could remain professional. You moved to pick up the book that had fallen off the bed, losing focus of your distance from the bed. You were briskly reminded when he took a firm grip of your hair. 

Fuck. 

You cursed at yourself, you made a huge mistake letting your guard down. Stupid stupid stupid. He pulled you up by your hair. “Open your mouth.” He growled as he came on your face. You watched him as his face contorted he growled and came hard as you kept your mouth firmly shut. When he finally finished he let go of your hair. 

“You wasted my milk bad kitty” he huffed watching you clean your face in the sink before you promptly rushed out of his room. 

Taehyung sat confused after breakfast. He took a puzzle and started working, “You okay Tae?”

“Oh hey, yeah I am just working on this puzzle, I am just a little confused” he smiled as the two of you sat and started working on the puzzle. It was a basket of kittens. 

“This one looks like you” he laughed “you are a kitty”

The words and context were so innocent but you couldn’t help but remember what happened that morning and you glanced at the young man from the corner of your eye. 

“What did he do?” Taehyung asked

“It was nothing you should be worried about” you smiled patting his head. “We should only worry about finishing this puzzle”

The night shift was different, you ate dinner with the residence and you all sat and watched a movie afterwards. It was a general audience movie with nothing bad in it. 

Taehyung leant his head on your shoulder as everyone else including the other nurses sat watching the movie as well. The male nurse was sitting with the five young boys. They laid their heads in his laps and he gave them pets on their backs, trying to give all of them equal attention, otherwise one would whine and rub their heads into his arms. 

The female nurse sat with Namjoon painstakingly discussing the movie instead of actually watching it. You and Taehyung were wrapped up in his blanket and you felt his hand start slithering down towards one of your thighs rubbing it tenderly. You glanced at him to see him smirking at you, “You’re such a bad kitty aren’t you?” 

His hand slipped under your dress and into your underwear. His finger grazed your clit gently making you shift in your seat. Taehyung snickered as you bit back a moan, he moved inconspicuously a little closer and whispered in your ear. His voice was deep and barely audible, his breath brushing the shell of your ear.

“You are a bad kitty aren’t you?” He pressed his nose against your neck and inhaled deeply, “Bad kitty smells nice”

Your mouth fell open, a silent gasp escaping as he pushed a single digit inside of you, “Taehyung, stop” You warned him and he chuckled darkly.

“I am not Taehyung, I am V” He took your free hand under the blanket and brushed it against his dick, letting out a small satisfied moan. He tried to pry your fingers open but you refused, he growled lowly and pushed another digit inside you. Whilst you were distracted he slid himself into your closed fist letting it mould around his shaft.

Unintentionally your fingers clenched around his boner as he gently guided your hand along his length back and forth. You kept your mouth firmly shut but it didn’t seem to stop the feelings from building, you were panting softly, the wet sounds coming from between your legs becoming more audible to you and you sighed in relief when you sawa loud action scene was underway in the movie. 

He pumped his fingers and moved your hand faster as his breathing became sporadic. V turned to you, biting your shoulder hard and coming into your hand. Without hesitation V pressed his thumb against your clit as he pumped his finger into you harder and you came, your body almost doubling over in pleasure.

“You are a bad kitty” He grinned, pushing your hand to your mouth “Lick your milk.”

“No,” You muttered seemingly uninterested and his smile disappeared.

“Bad, bad kitty” He watched as you got up and left.

As the days passed you understood more and more the difference between Taehyung and his counterpart V. You loved Taehyung, he was such a sweet boy who could do no wrong, but, you longed for the thrill of V, it took everything in your power to refuse his advances. 

An easy way to establish who you were talking to was their nicknames for you, Taehyung called you a Kitty after that fateful day of doing a puzzle together. Whereas V called you Bad Kitty for reasons unknown.

One day during the night shift you heard Taehyung crying. Stepping into the room you saw how he wiped his eyes quickly, feigning that he was okay. “Hey, Taehyung, tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing please, you can go?” He sniffled, choosing to ignore his request you got closer and sat on the edge of his bed concerned.

“I am here now, I want to know what has got you so upset?”

He looked up at you innocently. The bedside lamp was his only source of light and it was quite dull. It made the room feel small as the shadows waited on the edge.

“I remember less and less, V is taking over and I can’t remember things, the boys sometimes get really nervous with me, Jungkook’s pictures are horrific.” He sniffed, “I have never been with a lady, let alone kissed someone and he has done such vulgar things”

You leaned over and kissed him before leaning back and smiling softly, “You have kissed a girl now”

He was frozen, fingers slowly pressing to his lips in shock, “Wait, nurse can I um, can you kiss me again a real kiss, I want to know what it feels like” 

You knew you shouldn’t have but you let him. Yet you kissed him and he kissed back, it was soft and timid. He pulled back, “That was amazing, if I was just a normal person. Would there be a chance that you would ever like me, Kitty?”

“I would.” You smiled brushing his hair back and smiling at the innocence in his eyes.

“Would you let me take you out to dinner?” He asked softly, you nodded “Would you let me kiss you and maybe even spend the night together?”

You nodded and he frowned, “I wish I was normal, I just want to be normal” He cried into your shoulder hugging you and as you held him he kissed you softly. You didn’t have the heart to stop him with how gentle and kind he was. He pleaded sadly, “Please, just once, just tonight”

You were helpless to the look in his eyes and you shut his door climbing onto his bed where you kissed him, touching his body as he did the same. The light tinkling of his ankle cuff was the only thing keeping you alert to any possible dangers. But he was gentle. Taehyung wasn’t V.

“Does this feel okay?” He whispered “I am not hurting you?”

Riding him was like a dream, he guided you with his hands on your hips and you felt his heart racing against your hands that were on his chest. Right before he was going to finish, you got off and took him in your mouth, you weren’t going to take any risks without any condoms.

“Yes kitty,” he whispered as he grabbed your head and came. You managed to pull away and he came all over the two of you causing him to frown, “bad kitty you got us all dirty”

Alarm bells rang but he still looked so innocent and carefully wiped your face with a tissue, apologizing the whole time. Taehyung helped you dress and even helped you tie up your hair. “I am really thankful that you helped me experience something, I won’t tell anyone, I don’t want you to lose your job or anything”

“It’s okay, Taehyung, I trust you.” He gave your hand an affectionate squeeze and you slipped out the room before people would start to suspect something.

You and Taehyung spend the next few days bonding, he warns you when he feels himself slipping away and you have enough time to prepare before V emerges. Whilst painting in the garden Taehyung is talking about all the things he loves, his favourite style of music and his favourite colour and the two of you talk about what you would do if you could do anything.

On your way back Taehyung is telling you about a new electrotherapy that has been said to remove alternate persona’s from one's mind. “It is worth a shot don’t you think?”

“It sounds a little scary, what if something goes wrong, what if you die?” you asked

“I would rather die than spend my whole life in this ward trapped in my own body because someone else is taking control of me, making me do things I don’t want to” He exclaimed, laughing almost bitterly.

“Sorry Taehyung, I didn’t know” You whispered “It’s not something I can truly comprehend.”

“That’s right because you are perfect and everything is normal,” He hissed getting aggravated, he was being restrained when he panicked and started apologizing. “Wait I am sorry, I am sorry, please let me go.”

He was taken to his room and your heart felt like it was breaking, he was afraid of himself and he wanted to get better. He was alone, longing for someone to love him for who he was. Could you be that for him perhaps?

After dinner you went to the room to see him, he was hunched over his shoulders shaking as he sniffled, “I’m sorry,” his voice was small. You stepped over and touched his shoulder, his hand came up and squeezed yours. “You should go, I am not the person you should be with”

“I want to stay, I want to be with you. If there was a way, I would love to get married, have a family and live happily ever after.”

His grip tightened and the sniffling turned to laughter, you were pulled on top of him, his grip was harsh, “You want to get married, my bad kitty, you want me to put some babies inside you?”

You were grabbed and one of the male nurses sedated him, you were crying and you left the room, “I just tried to comfort Taehyung, I am fine I was just startled and scared. I will go for a shower and I will head home for the night.”

You came back to work the next day but you didn’t step foot into Taehyung’s room. You spoke over meals with everyone and he was his usual nice and gentle self. He told everyone that he was getting electroshock therapy. He was saying if it all went successful he would be allowed out of the asylum and allowed to live like a normal human again. 

It took three whole weeks before you had willingly stepped into Taehyung's room, it was his first interview about him and his illness they were recording data to compare with afterwards. You walked him to his interview and walked him back, opening his door and stepping inside.

The door shut behind you and you knew he was behind you. The number one rule is don't let the patient block your exit. And here you were stuck in the room blocked in by Taehyung. 

“Hey Taehyung, you want to play another game of cards” you said, watching him look at the door shoulders hunched over. He slowly turned, looking up with a dangerous glint in his eyes. 

“I’m not Taehyung.” he said,his face void of any expression. 

“Who are you, then?”

“You know who I am!” He shouted before reigning himself back in, “I am V, I am the one that scares you bad kitty, that day when they sedated me, I almost had you” 

“You liked what I said though didn’t you, you pressed your thighs together and the sweet scent of arousal filled the room. You want to get fucked and you want it hard” he said, gripping you by the hair and pushing you so your chest is flat against the bed. 

You wanted it, god you wanted it and he knew it, but you would get fired. As if reading your thoughts V softly whispered into your ear, “you can blame me if they come in sweetheart, no one has to know you were willing, just tell me you want it”

“I can’t” you whined into the bed cursing that you couldn’t. 

“You let Taehyung fuck you but not me?” He pressed himself against you letting you feel how hard you made him.

“Because Taehyung was sweet,” and upset. You were trying to comfort him and had forgotten you were at work, but you didn’t say the last bit out loud.

“Listen to me. Taehyung doesn’t control me but I can control him, that was all me, you know it because I called you by my nickname. Didn’t he call you bad kitty that day?”

You looked at him in shock as he continued, all the while lifting your dress and pulling down your soaked underwear, “That’s right it was me all along so what’s the harm if we try it again?”

“Fuck me, please” you moaned throwing caution to the wind, if you lost your job then so be it. 

He pushed himself into you in a single, hard thrust and you felt your walls stretch around him. He felt bigger then Taehyung but that had to be impossible.

Where one was timid and soft, he was rough and ferocious, his hips pistoned in and out as he fucked you hard. He was vocal and unrefined, he didn’t have any other thought except the primal urge to fuck you. The lewd sounds bounced off of the walls as he pounded into you. He thrusted deep, you could feel him deep inside in your inner walls.

You were drooling, biting the blankets on his bed clutching them between your fists trying to muffle the sounds you were making. 

Taehyung had thrust hard one last time before you felt heat spreading inside you and your eyes shot open, “Fuck, Tae what about a condom?”

“You are mine.” he growled, punctuating each of his words with a thrust as he went, leaving you a writhing mess. 

You quickly got dressed and stormed into the staff bathroom and took a shower.

You changed your clothes and hurried home. You spent the night huddled in your blankets crying yourself to sleep. 

You left for a while after that incident, you spent christmas and new years with your family and when you came back you went back to working right away. The shift was awkward as Taehyung kept staring at you, you didn’t know what it meant but you tried to pay it no mind. The end of your first week back was the day Taehyung would undergo Electroshock therapy.

When it came around you walked him to the theatre and stayed in the hall, you didn’t want to witness it but you wanted to be there by him as soon as it was over. What you didn’t expect was the screaming. What felt like after an eternity but was only half an hour later they stepped out wheeling Taehyung on a gurney, he didn’t look so good. 

It took awhile but Taehyung was starting to grow stronger and he would chat and seemed to be getting healthier and there was no sign of V. You were extremely happy and a month later he was reviewed and approved for discharge from the asylum. He was finally moving in with you and you two were going to live together and start a family.

He waved to the boys but they hadn’t stopped crying all morning, they didn’t say a word, only sobbing more when Taehyung hugged them before leaving. “I wish I could take you all with me,” He said, wiping his eyes.

Taehyung moved in and you two started decorating the apartment to make it more homey. You were cooking dinner for him one night, everything was going well so far, it had been two months since his discharge and the two of you were happy.

“We could try for a baby, if you wanted?” Taehyung shuffled his feet looking at the ground. You giggled, grabbing his hand and leading him to the bedroom, he undressed you and laid you on the bed before undressing and settling in between your legs. You hadn’t been intimate since Taehyung had been discharged from the asylum and it was just as amazing as you remembered, slow and sensual just like your first time with Taehyung. 

Taehyung lifted your hands above your head, kissing and licking your breasts. Panting against you when his hands tightened his grip around your wrists. His hips drove deeper inside you, he was soon going faster and harder pounding into you with all his force and you whined in pleasure. “Yes please.”

“Do you like that bad kitty?”

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[hot-wiings]

The One Where Despite The Sports Festival, Shouto Todoroki Hates Using His Quirk, But [Y/N] [L/N] Enjoys It.

Edited: 12-2-2020

"It's so fucking cold."

The words came out rushed and loud as you clattered your teeth together. Your arms rubbed up and down over your thin school jacket as you cursed at your teacher in your head. You were supposed to be indoors, doing this school activity inside of the warm enclosed walls of Gym Gamma, instead, Shouta had your class outside, working on the P.E grounds due to miscommunication and overlapping training schedules with class B.

"C'mere, you're warm, I'm cold, hug me."

You buried yourself into the warmer side of your boyfriend, Shouto Todoroki. He had his own personal built-in heating pad, it wasn't fair to let him keep it all to himself. After all, sharing is caring. A light blush spread across his face as he slung his left arm around your back and let his left hand rest on your arm. He pulled you against him, helping you create heat as he debated giving you his own jacket to put on.

"Mm. That's great."

Shouto let out a small smile and he moved his warm, left hand up and down your arm as you both watched Mina spar with Mineta. His hand came up and rolled over your shoulder and made soft contact with your ear and cheek.

"Talking about me or the fight?"

"Well I was talking about you, but I can't say I don't find pleasure in seeing Mineta get beat."

"I know he can be a jerk, but isn't she going a little extreme. I'm surprised he isn't unconscious."

You let out a small chuckle as Mina destroyed his balls with her acid and delivered yet another punch to his face. You had to admit, she was going a bit hardcore on him, and you were sure Mr. Aizawa could see that, but no one stopped her. You were sure she was going so extreme with him due to the stunt he tried pulling the week before, your blood boiled and you clenched your fists just thinking about it. You hadn't told Shouto about said stunt, choosing to keep it a secret between you and Mina.

"He deserves it! He's commenting on our bodies is one thing, but he crossed a line last week."

"What did he do now?"

Shouto knew the boy's schemes were horrendous, and he tried his best to put the pervert back in line when you asked him to or complained about it. It was his job as a boyfriend to make you feel secure, and he took pride in it. He wanted to be the opposite of his father, a significant other you could run to for help, and making you feel safe and protected from the antics of your lesser classmate was how he did that, but you and neglected to tell your boyfriend about how bad the boy was getting.

Shouto placed a chase kiss onto the top of your head as he ran his hand up and down, his fingers leaving warm soothing circles on your shoulder. You pulled your lip between your teeth, realizing you slipped up and mentioned it. You hadn't told your boyfriend about the stunt Mineta pulled because you were both embarrassed it even happened, and ashamed you couldn't defend yourself. Besides that fact, Shouto could get jealous and possessive. Whenever you mention Mineta was bothering you Shouto didn't give you a chance to ask for help, he just seemed to take care of it. Jealousy and possession was a natural human feeling, but you didn't want him trying to murder the boy for his severe actions.

"Uh, well, I mean it's not worth sharing that much. Just the usual nasty things he does."

"What did he do?"

Shouto ran his fingers over your rosy, cold cheeks. Trying to entice you to answer him by distracting you with warmth. It worked.

"He snuck into the girl's dorms to spy on us after hours! To make things worse, he tried watching me change. When I saw him, he used his damned balls to make me sticky. Stuck in my bra and panties, completely helpless and unable to move. You have no idea how humiliated and disgusting I felt!"

"I would've made him apologize. Why didn't you tell me?"

Shoutos grip on your arm loosened but you could still feel the heat just radiating off of his body. He was upset that you didn't tell him, you knew that, but for all the wrong reasons. What you assumed was jealousy, in reality, was fear. The thought that you didn't need or want him to defend you. He took joy in it, he took joy in protecting you. What he so proudly took pride in, was swept away by Mina.

Mina had finally knocked Mineta out and walked past you and Shouto with a shit-eating grin on her face. She shot a thumbs-up signal in your direction as she went to the infirmary to retrieve Recovery Girl for Mineta. Nonverbal communication that she had avenged your dignity, but to Shouto it was just a slap in his face. Why hadn't you immediately told him? He would've knocked Mineta down a peg or two. He would've humbled him down and made him apologize. He should have been the one to redeem your dignity and redeem your image. He should've been the one defending your honor, but you hadn't even told him about it.

Did you not trust him? Was he not good at making you feel secure?

"Todoroki vs. Bakugo."

The anger and frustration was already taking over Shouto as he broke away from you and walked toward the center of the training grounds to meet Katsuki. The feral boy wasted no time in blasting Shouto, trying to anger him resulting in him using his flames unlike he had in the sports festival.

"Die!"

Shouto rebutted Katsuki's blast by hitting him with ice. Aggravated and aggressive, Katsuki sent boom after boom, blast after blast while he growled out phrases to work Shouto up and bring out his flames.

"Won't use your flames? Pathetic. I honestly wonder why [Y/N] is with you, my explosions always got her going."

"Leave her name out of your mouth."

Emotions consumed him once your name left Katsuki lips. He was angry that you didn't trust him enough to tell him about how his classmate tried to defile your image. Sad that you hadn't gone to him for comfort and redemption but Mina instead. All his emotions were thrust into his quirk as he sent Katsuki one hard blast of his flames. Blow after blow, eventually, Katsuki went down. He gripped his arm which now held a severe burn from a Shouto as he screamed out fuck you's.

As he cooled down, ex or not, Shouto couldn't help but regret his actions towards Katsuki. He saw the burns he left Katsuki with. He saw Katsuki gripping his arm as Recover Girl made her way over to him. He could see Katsuki resist help, trying to say it wasn't as bad as it was. He looked over at you, as you stared at him while you bit your lip, guilt flooded his entire being.

What if that had been you? What if he had lost his temper with you? If he was capable of snapping at Katsuki so quickly, what was he capable of with you?

Shouto made his way over to you and with quick hands, you grabbed onto him. You inspected him for injuries, worried he had been hurt too. Shouto hadn't been the only one to get blows in, but his injuries weren't physical. As your worried eyes met his, he felt disgusted with himself. He didn't understand how you were able to cling to such a monster like him. Katsuki's burns flashed in his head as Shouto pulled away from your grasp and ripped his jacket from his back.

He could hurt you. He was capable of hurting you.

"I'm fine. Here, take my jacket so you can be warmer."

"Oh, won't you need it? Quirks are just physical extensions of your body, I don't want you overexerting yourself."

"Don't worry about me. I'm going back to the dorms since my fights over."

His voice came out rushed, his tone cold, harsh and you frowned. Before he even heard your reply, Shouto turned on his heel and walked off to class 1-A's dorm rooms. He hadn't meant to be so cold with you. He didn't want to be harsh with you. Anyone, but you. He didn't want to, but he couldn't stand to be there with you. He couldn't stand there and let you take advantage of his quirk. He couldn't stand there and heat you knowing how he could hurt you. After what he did to Katsuki, you should have been disgusted with him.

He was a monster, he wasn't worthy of you.

"Who's next on the list?"

The snow fell around you, wetting your hair and getting your clothes damp as you pulled your hands out of your pockets and opened your phone with stiff cold fingers to look at the Christmas list you both together made weeks prior. Shouto wanted to reach across the small gap between you. He wanted to reach over and push your hair behind your ear. He wanted to reach out and pull your frozen hand into his warm one, but he wouldn't. He couldn't, he was already pushing the limit by being here as it was.

He was distancing himself, pulling away, and hoping you would receive the subtle hints he was dropping your way. The hints that he wanted to break up, to no longer see you, to no longer be yours. It wasn't that this is what he wanted, it's what he felt needed to be done. Shouto didn't want to hurt you by breaking up. He didn't want to be away from you. To him, you were his whole world, one of his motivations to become a hero. The more he thought about it, the more he realized how much safer you'd be off without him. How much safer, how much better you'd be without a monster like him.

He hoped the list was almost over with, he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle another minute with you. He knew he couldn't handle breaking your heart himself, so ingeniously he found a solution: Be detached until you break up with him instead. He was supposed to distance himself, but all he wanted to do was pull you in his arms. He knew he should've stayed at the dorms, stayed in the confines of his dorm room, neglecting you under the pretense of studying. However, when you came to him asking if he still wanted to go Christmas shopping together like you both originally planned to, he couldn't say no. The way you looked at him, a broken hopeful expression that he would say yes. Hopeful that he'd want to spend time with you despite him pushing you away. It broke his stoic reserve.

"We still need a guitar for Kyouka, a bag for Ochako, and something for Momo, she's kinda hard to shop for because she already has everything, but I saw her eyeing a necklace last month. I bet we could even find Ochako a bag in the same store."

He was practically ecstatic to hear you only had three more people to shop for, two of which could be hit in the same store. The quicker this was over the better. You placed your phone back in your pocket and reached out for Shouto's hand. The gap was closed between you both as you tugged him along the sidewalk with you towards the store you needed. Shouto smiled. He briefly smiled and relished in the feeling of your hand in his, but it was short-lived as he pulled his hand out of yours and stuffed it in his pocket.

He knew there must have been a hurt expression on your face, but he had to take a moment to remind himself. He had to remind himself why he was distancing himself from you. It was for you. You didn't deserve to be with a monster like him. You didn't deserve it, all you needed was a push in the right direction.

As you walked beside Shouto into the Lois Vuitton outlet store your heart felt heavy but you tried your best to push through the pain. You couldn't pretend that there wasn't anything wrong with your relationship. You couldn't pretend that your boyfriend hadn't been distant, hadn't been cold and closed off. He used to be so sweet, sweet, and present. He would walk you to your dorm after class, take you for walks, hold your hand, and more often than not, take you out on impromptu dates. He didn't do that anymore. He was cold and absent. He rarely talked to you and he put little to no effort into being with you. Even when you tried putting all the effort, you could see him pulling away. As he pulled away more and more, you had to wonder if he even wanted to be around you.

You had a whirlwind of thoughts on why he was being so distant, why he no longer wanted you. You just wanted all the worries and thoughts to go away. You wanted the negative reasons you'd come up with every night as you laid in bed to be gone. You wanted things to go back to normal because, despite all of this, you were holding out hope that things would go back to normal. Hope that perhaps he would begin to come around again.

You walked through Louis Vuitton with Shouto hot on your trail as you went to the jewelry display. Shouto quickly grasped the right necklace in his hands, the expensive a thousand dollar golden lipstick holder necklace. He turned to you with a determined smile.

"This is the one right?"

Suddenly, that dark cloud of thoughts came out again. The one that rained on you when you were at your most hopeful. The one that said he didn't love you, but most likely fell for another. The one that gave you the most probable answer.

"How'd you know that was the one she wanted?"

"I was with you both when you saw it."

It was a logistic explanation, but the simple sentence placed the seed of doubt into your head. Doubt that slowly diminished your hope. Despite the awfully, distrustful feeling it left you with, you chose to give Shouto the benefit of the doubt as you made your way over the bag selection.

"So, everyone's making plans for Christmas, and I was wondering if we were going to spend it together."

"I haven't really thought about my Christmas plans yet."

"We don't have to if you don't want to, figured I'd ask."

You kept your face away from Shouto and buried in the bag rack. You didn't want him to see the expression on your face. You didn't want him to see the remnants of all the hope you had left in this relationship. There was a right answer, the right answer you hoped he'd say, but that seed of doubt knew he wasn't going to say it.

"I was gonna go home for Christmas. Figured we both could use time with our families."

A single stray tear made its way down your cheek as his sentences tumbled out. All the hope you had left in your body crumpled as his words resounded in your ears. You hadn't spent a Christmas apart since the start of your three-year relationship. He knew you didn't have the best family. He knew you hated your father just as much as he hated his father. You both made it your tradition to be together for the holidays. You asking about it wasn't supposed to be a question, but reassurance he wasn't going to leave you alone. It was reassuring you he still cared, but all it did was water the seed.

"You want to go home for Christmas? I thought you hated being home over the holidays."

"Some things change, [Y/N]. You don't have a problem with it, do you?"

Of course you did. He was abandoning you. He was leaving you over Christmas for his bastard father he hated. The seed of doubt was beginning to blossom and you were looking for ways to uproot it. You had one vice left to try. His jealousy. If he so much as still loved or even liked you as a girlfriend, then just bringing up you and another boy alone would bring out the beast. No matter how innocent it would be, whether it be walking in the halls, or studying, Shouto could get possessive of you, and while you hated the idea of playing into his emotions like this, it was necessary.

"Of course not! Denki invited me to go on a trip over holiday break anyway. The guy he interns for owns a mansion up north, perfect for skiing. You don't have a problem with that, do you?"

"No, I hope you have fun."

You scanned Shouto's face for any indication that you going up north with Denki alone bothered him, but stoic as ever he was unbothered. A last resort really, but you pulled out a card you never wanted to.

"You're sure? Katsuki is going to be there, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable by hanging out with my ex for a week and a half."

"[Y/N], I don't care. Go ahead, you know not to do something you'd regret."

If Shouto really cared for you he would have said yes. He would've said he had a problem with his girlfriend going on a trip with her ex-boyfriend. You thrust the bag into Shouto's arms and avoided his eyes, scared you would let the tears flow out in front of him.

"Um, can you go pay? I need to use the bathroom."

Shouto tried not to look over at you on the couch. He wanted to scoot closer to you, he wanted to pull your body against his. He wanted to see the little face you made when his warmth took over your freezing skin, he wanted you to fall asleep on him. He wanted to be close to you again, he wanted things to go back to how they used to be. They couldn't go back, it wasn't that simple. He could never revert back into your loving boyfriend, he couldn't allow himself to be yours. 

As the weeks from that day in the outlet mall progressed, Shouto could feel his resolve diminish. Despite the distance you still tried to connect and be around him, he was still your boyfriend no matter how cold of a front he put up. It hurt to have you trying to cling to him but he kept pushing you away. It hurt to have you offer date opportunities only for him to turn them down. What hurt Shouto the most was letting you go on that trip with Katsuki. He wanted to tell you not to go on that trip, he wanted to tell you to stay at the dorms with him. With every passing day you talked with Katsuki more and more, it pained Shouto to act like he was fine and chill with it.  

Shouto didn't know this was a ploy to make him jealous to try and incite any lingering feelings for you. He didn't know that you weren't even planning to go on the trip with Katsuki but actually planned to stay at the dorms once he left for his own family home for the holidays. You chatted up katsuki more often and even went as far as to ask Shouto for advice on a bathing suit to both bring forth feelings from him and make your lie more convincing. It wasn't as though Shouto wasn't jealous, it wasn't as though he stopped caring for you and who you hung out with. The idea of you in a bikini with Katsuki grated him. The two of you in a hot tub, escaping the dreaded cold rubbed him the wrong way, but he needed to let it happen, he needed to push you away into the arms of someone more worthy, into the arms of another.  

"When are you leaving for your trip?"

Shouto hadn't even turned to look at you as he spoke out the question. He hadn't looked and maybe had he, he would've seen how broken you looked, he would've seen your disheveled appearance and his resolve would've broken for sure. With your legs pulled up on the couch and your head resting on your knees, a frown on your face as you stole sneaky little glances at your boyfriend when he wasn't looking. He never looked at you anymore, just another indication of where your relationship was headed. 

"Katsuki and I are meeting at the airport in a couple of hours, he said the ticket was paid for by his internship boss, but I think he's really paying for it."

Shouto didn't look at you, and it hurt. What guy didn't get upset, or weird at the very least, at the idea of his girlfriend going on a trip with her ex-boyfriend? Beyond that, the proposed idea that his girlfriend is getting a plane ticket paid for by said ex-boyfriend should upset him. You snagged your lip between your teeth as your grip on your legs tightened. 

"When are you going home?" 

"Tonight."

You nodded your head and made a mental note to leave until he left to make it seem you went on the trip. You didn't want him knowing that you planned to stay in the dorms alone over Christmas, but those were his exact plans. He hadn't spent a Christmas apart from you since the beginning of this relationship, and he just wanted to wallow in self-pity over having pushed you away successfully. 

"Do you want to exchange gifts before we leave?"

"I didn't think we were getting each other gifts since we're not seeing each other on Christmas."

You let out a sigh as you tried to keep the tears down. You were so hopeful, you were holding out for him but you couldn't anymore. You got him a gift, hoping that Christmas would bring out the best in him and make him open up. You thought that the day would roll around and everything would be fixed by the magic of Christmas. He hadn't even gotten you a gift, yet he knew what neckless Momo wanted. You couldn't do it anymore, you couldn't pretend things would get better. You couldn't pretend he still loved you.

"What did I do wrong? I'm sorry, I can fix it. I'm sorry, I'll fix it."

The tears began leaking out and running down your cheeks in warm streaks. You tried to keep your little sniffles quiet by pressing your hand over your mouth and nose. You didn't want him to see you cry, you didn't want him to hear your tears, but he did. Shouto looked over at you with knitted eyebrows before looking back at the fireplace. He wanted to comfort you, he wanted to hold you and reassure you that it was okay, but he needed to push you away. 

"I'm drowning, I'm drowning Shouto. I don't understand what I did to make us like this. Am I too clingy, do I suffocate you? I'll give you space, I can give you more space!"

Shouto clenched his fists as your words tumbled out in frantic sentences but he stayed silent. He did so well, he's done so well at pushing you away. He had to keep his resolve up, he had to push away. You didn't deserve him, you didn't deserve to be with such a monster. 

"When Katsuki broke up with me he said it was cause' I'm weak. Is that it, am I too weak for you? I'll train harder. I'll be a hero you can be proud of."

Shouto kept his face away from yours, silently and still staring at the fire. He knew if he looked at you then he would break. If he looked at you he would crawl into your arms and whisper reassuring words on how Katsuki is an ass, reassuring words on how strong you were. He wanted to tell you that you always made him proud, but he didn't let himself. The more he continued being silent, the more it hurt you. More tears flowed from your eyes as you spoke out the sentence you so solemnly tried to quell. The thought you so desperately had been trying to put out like a wild fire. 

"Deep down I know the truth, you want her, don't you? Momo? God, how stupid I must look, my boyfriend and my best friend right under my nose."

You pressed your hand to your mouth to muffle a strangled sob as you wiped away your tears with the back of your hand, futile as more quickly replaced them. Shouto looked over at you, a few tears dripping down from his own eyes. That's what you thought? That he was cheating? Shouto wasn't sure if he should feel insulted for you thinking so low of him, but then again, had the roles been reversed with you pushing him away, he would think the same.

"I... I just want you to know I don't blame you Shouto. She can suit your needs so well. She's smarter, rich, and god, she's so much prettier. I- I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you, I'm sorry I couldn't satisfy you. I'm sorry I wasted your ti"- 

"Don't say that, don't, just don't. Don't compare yourself to her. I don't want Momo, I haven't wanted anyone except for you."

"Then why don't you want me? You don't touch me anymore, you don't even look at me. I don't understand what I did."

"You didn't do anything! You did nothing, it's me! I'm the problem, I'm the issue."

Shouto stood up abruptly, pacing back and forth he ran his hand through his hair roughly. He should've kept his resolve, he should've stayed solid, but hearing the quiver in your voice, hearing your thoughts, your deeply negative thoughts broke him so.

"You are so perfect, [Y/N]. I love when you cling to me, you're so strong, you're beautiful and perfect, and fuck! The only reason I remembered Momo's necklace was because it was right next to the earrings I bought for you."

You stood up and wrapped your arms around Shouto. You buried your face in his chest as he let his tears fall. He should push you away, he should make distance from you, but he couldn't. He couldn't, instead, he wrapped his arms around you and let out his own sob into your hair as he held you close for the first time in days.

"I'm such a monster [Y/N]. I'm such a monster, I'm just like my dad. You saw how I burned Katsuki. You shouldn't be with me, I might hurt you."

You pulled out of Shouto's arms to cup his face. There was a frown on your face, leaving him with an unsettling feeling in his gut that you agreed. It was quite the opposite.

"Shouto, you would never hurt me. I don't know where you got that idea, but I know you would never. You are sweet, caring, and possibly the best boyfriend to ever exist. You are not your father, you are Shouto Todorki, my boyfriend."

"I've hurt you so much these past few weeks. I've ignored you, and I've been cold, why are you still here."

"You pushed me away because you thought it was good for me. Granted that wasn't your choice to make, I'm still here because I love you, and you love me, the rest is pudding."

You pressed your lips against Shoutos, they felt warm and rough, you hadn't felt them in so long, how you missed them so. You pressed into the kiss, with him pulling you closer, want and need dripping between you both as your wandering hands pulled and tugged each other.

"Tell me what's going on instead of pushing me away next time. I'm not letting you go, no matter how hard you push me away. I'm here to stay."

"I will, I promise. I love you, [Y/N], so much. I need you in my life. I've been an awful ass, and I know I'm in no place to make requests, but please don't go with Katsuki."

"I never planned to, I turned him down when he first asked. I wanted to spend Christmas with you, Sho. We're always together for the holidays, we have our own traditions, and spending it with anyone else isn't right."

"I wasn't gonna go home either, was gonna stay here. What a pair of liars we are, c'mon, I think we can still salvage this Christmas Eve."

Shouto kissed your hand and tugged you towards the kitchen. With your hands enveloped in each other, all was right. It was right, being with you was right. Maybe he was a monster, maybe he was temperamental, but that was something he was willing to work on to be with you.

[victorluvsalice]

AU Thursday: Fallout Of Darkness -- A Half-Decent Sum-Up Of The Pre-War Timeline

If you follow my RP tumblr, @thevalicemultiverse, you may have seen this before (barring a few edits I made just now) -- I wrote this up as background for putting Fallout of Darkness into play over there as an RP verse. It’s as good a write-up as I currently have for Alice and particularly Victor’s lives before the bombs fell, so might as well bring it over here for more general consumption! Enjoy!

---

Alice Liddell shares most of her backstory with her Londerland Bloodlines counterpart: she’s born in 1984, loses her family to Bumby’s obsession with her sister, hallucinates her way through the horrors of Rutledge and Houndsditch with Wonderland serving as a horrific psychological dreamscape for her to get her sanity back under her, realizes Bumby’s behind all her pain and is a child trafficker, kills him, moves to Los Angeles for a fresh start, and gets illegally Embraced by Malkavian Fish and ends up errand girl to Prince Sebastian LaCroix. In this reality, though, she lives through something much closer to the standard Bloodlines plot (albeit filtered through the “all tech is at least kinda 50s sci-fi” lens of Fallout) – including saving Heather Poe instead of Victor, and finding nothing in the Giovanni basement except regular old zombies. She pushes through all the bullshit of Camarilla vs Anarchs vs Kuei-Jin vs Sabbat, convinces Heather to leave when it transpires she’s being really badly affected by Alice’s Malkavian blood (to the point of luring a guy to the haven and then locking him in the bathroom for Alice to eat), and eventually chooses the independent life, killing Ming-Xiao, letting LaCroix blow up with his tower, and flipping off the Anarchs when they try to recruit her. She flees Los Angeles completely shortly thereafter, and spends most of the rest of the next seventy-odd years on the move around America, avoiding possible reprisals from the Camarilla and watching the world go to hell in a handbasket with resources running out and the war for the last great oil pipeline. She finds shelter in Boston in October 2077, and is sleeping away the day in a presumed-safe building when the bombs drop. While she’s luckily buried in a sunlight-blocking pile of rubble, she’s also staked by a falling beam. . .and remains so for the next two centuries. . .

Victor Van Dort, on the other hand, is born in 2050, to Nell and William Van Dort of Burtonsville. William is in the fish business, and moves his family to the USA when Victor is still just a baby to seek new opportunities. What he and his wife and son get is the New Plague, forcing them to stay in Massachusetts due to quarantine measures. Despite this, William still manages to become a fish cannery mogul, making millions off his automated factories. Victor himself grows up almost entirely confined to the house and gardens, cared for and taught by a variety of robots until he was fourteen and it was deemed safe enough for him to attend a normal high school. The gardens taught him to love nature, but his caretakers taught him to love science and technology – while still a hobbyist lepidopterist, Victor is much more a tinkerer and technician in this world. Having to help fix the family’s Protectron driver, Mayhew, when he falls apart almost right in front of you will do that to a boy! He’s just more comfortable with machines than people – a fact that doesn’t make him popular in school.

In his senior year of high school, Victor is pushed to date Victoria Everglot by his parents, seeing her family’s noble history (some relative way-back-when in England was a Grand Duke) as a good way to improve their own social standings. Victor goes along with it after realizing he likes Victoria herself a fair bit, and the two soon become boyfriend and girlfriend. A few months into the relationship, though, Victor comes across a gravely-injured Emily Merrimack-Cartwell in the park, the victim of an elopement that turned out to be an excuse to rob and murder her. Victor is able to rush her to the hospital in time, and the two become friends in the aftermath. Victoria, noticing that they seem to have a growing attraction, decides she doesn’t want Victor to feel obligated to continue dating her if he’d prefer to be with Emily and actually encourages them to go to prom together. They agree after confirming she’s okay with that, and that she won’t be missing out herself. They start out having a good time together, but midway through Victoria goes to the ladies’ room and doesn’t return. Victor and Emily, concerned, go looking for her and find her being menaced by none other than Emily’s ex Barkis – apparently not satisfied with what he got off Emily, he’s now trying to rob and possibly kidnap Victoria. Victor and Emily take him down and get him carted off to jail, to Victoria’s eternal gratitude. The experience bind them all together as a trio, and – coupled with the discovery that Victoria and Emily feel much the same about each other as they do about Victor – they decide to just all date each other and see where the chips fall.

And then the draft comes and Victor is yanked into military service. He ends up a combat engineer in the Engineer Corps, and is assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 108th Infantry Regiment, aka “Fox Company.” While he makes some friends in fellow soldiers Nate Howard and Sam “Bonejangles” Thatcher, Victor loathes his experiences as a soldier, especially as his unit is protecting the Alaskan Pipeline on the Alaska border and watching as the US annexes Canada. Things come to a head when his commanding officer tries to get him to shoot two Canadian kids who were throwing rocks at their camp – an enraged Victor shoots the officer instead, then gets wrapped up in a sudden enemy attack on said camp (a small company of Chinese infiltrators in stealth suits -- one accidentally decloaked in his surprise over Victor killing his target), spiriting the kids to safety before managing to save the rest of his company via fast fixing of their defenses and rigging up some explosive power armor. The chaos makes it impossible for the upper brass to know for sure Victor killed the officer (though they’re deeply suspicious), and the fact that everyone else is calling him a hero (plus his father being willing to pay good money for his son’s safe return) leads to him going home for good. Having married Victoria while on leave earlier, they take in Emily as a “live-in friend and help around the house” (wink wink), and the three move to the little community of Sanctuary Hills. They have a good couple of years there, culminating in the birth of Victor and Victoria’s son Shaun. Victor, despite his worries about the resource shortages, the war with China, and his own government possibly looking for a way to silence him whenever he makes his opinions about same known, starts thinking that maybe things can be all right for him and his family at least. . .

And then, on October 23rd, 2077, the bombs hit. Victor and his family get to Vault 111 just in time, and are processed and cyronically frozen as per the experiment. However, things go bad with a security staff revolt, and the frozen family is left easy pickings for some mysterious scientists to come in, shoot Victoria, and kidnap Shaun right before Victor’s horrified eyes. When he is revived again, he finds that the life support failed for the rest of the residents (including Emily, whose pod partially thawed her and left her half-rotted), leaving him the sole survivor – apart from his missing son. He escapes the vault and returns to what’s left of Sanctuary Hills, vowing to find Shaun.

Finding Shaun turns out to be more difficult than imagined – the world above is a dangerous place, and Victor is ill-prepared to deal with it. Fortunately, he makes some friends right off the bat – his old Mr. Handy Codsworth; a German Shepherd waiting for him at the local Red Rocket, who is later revealed to be named Dogmeat; and Preston Garvey, last of the Commonwealth Minutemen, whom Victor saves from raiders at the Museum of Freedom in Concord while looking for other signs of life. Victor welcomes Preston and his settlers to live in Sanctuary, and joins up with Preston’s efforts to revive the Minutemen and make it a force for good in the wasteland (being named General by Preston in the process, a move that baffles him and his 2 Charisma). Helping settlers leads him down to Diamond City, where he was told by slightly-psychic Mama Murphy he could find some help. He befriends reporter Piper Wright there, and ends up getting her help to find her missing friend detective Nick Valentine when it transpires he – and with him, Victor’s best hope for finding Shaun – has vanished.

And during their adventures to track down Nick’s precise location, they come across a raider base, are attacked by a raider who yanks a bloody stick out of a pile of rubble – and are introduced to Alice when she bursts from the rubble and sucks the guy dry. Alice hastily informs them that she’s not a threat to them (she was just thirsty after, you know, two centuries of being staked), and they end up trusting her enough to take down the rest of the raiders with her. Victor does his best to explain what’s happened to her, and she does her best to explain her vampiric nature to him. Feeling bad for her, and like he’s finally found a kindred spirit in all this (uh, no pun intended), he invites her to travel with him, switching to a night time schedule to accommodate her. . .at least, until they go to a certain quarry mined by Dunwich Borers to clear out the raiders there. . .

[lokiondisneyplus]

Today I left the house wearing a face mask for the first time.

I had woken up to the sound of heavy rain, which is always surreal in Los Angeles, and when I look out of the window to the hauntingly dehumanising sight of bandana-clad dog walkers, an eerie weight settles as I remember: this is our reality now.

I’m standing in the supermarket queue, a line dotted by crosses taped on the floor of the underground car park to signify our designated 6ft distance. Easily 50 people long and snaking around the perimeter of the building, I make my way to the last available X-marks-the-spot and join the other masked Bandits. I haven’t food shopped for over a week and am in need of supplies.

There is an obnoxiously loud man two crosses ahead of me ranting into his phone with such a high energy, the surrounding Bandits have allowed an extended social distance of a cross on either side of him. I sigh, remembering I’ve left my headphones at home, so am unable to tune him out, I wait and exhale, wondering how I am going to get used to the claustrophobic sensation of hot air and fabric condensing on my face.

Loud Phone Man is not wearing a mask and it's clear we’ve passed the tipping point of mild judgement, at least here in LA, where Bandits exchange a raised eyebrow, (about the only non-verbal Bandit communication available) which somehow magnifies the annoyance of this shopper - not only loud, but breathing indiscriminately all over us in this confined space… what does he think this is? Last week??

It’s Monday on #Week4 of Covid-19 lockdown in La La Land and as I shuffle to the next X I reflect on the journey so far.

After a whirlwind press tour to promote the release of Misbehaviour in UK cinemas (sadly cinemas were shuttered just days after the film's theatrical release – but it's available to watch online at home from April 15th!) I returned to work in Atlanta for Loki, the Marvel limited series for Disney Plus I’ve been working on, so am on set when I get the news that we are going on hiatus as a precaution due to the accelerating coronavirus, initially for one week. Thinking it would be longer, but still unsure at that point, I book a flight to LA to sit things out there for the time being. The next day Trump imposes a travel ban on travelling in or out of the US for 30 days, and with my visa situation and the pace at which everything is moving, it feels risky to fly to the UK in case I cannot get back into the country when filming recommences, whenever that will be.

So, with my housemate and her dog for company, we embark on social distancing, self-isolation and Lady Macbeth-level hand-washing.

Managing a constant low-level anxiety about my parents and loved ones, and friends in New York, London, Johannesburg and all over the world, I become consumed by the news, glued to the BBC website and KCRW talk radio for the latest figures. Like families gathered around “the wireless” in wartime, everything is unfolding so rapidly and the news, never this dramatic in my lifetime, takes on disaster-movie proportions.

FaceTime and WhatsApp become my lifelines as the reality of the pandemic is tinged with a weird detachment… a numbness I later realise was a form of shock that lasts for nearly two weeks and puts me into a hyper-focused state as I race to keep up, stay informed and learn how to adapt to this new rhythm.

I am of course aware that I am so privileged to be safe and personally unaffected thus far, but grasping the truth from what is overblown, and fact from politics and propaganda, give everything an out-of-body zero gravity quality; a new normal we are all united in.

Things are kicking off in the food line as my attention is caught by an exasperated Valley Girl three Xs ahead who finally explodes at Loud Phone Man, “ OH MY GAAAAD, USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE, CANT YOU SEEEEE EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT YOU CAUSE YOU’RE TALKING SO LOUD… WE ALL HAVE TO STAND HERE, OHMYGAAAD!” As she stomps her Ugged feet to the next X the security guard and smiling store employee (no mask) approach and I can feel a repressed inside-voice-cheer emanate from the rest of the line in applause.

The Bandit Couple ahead of me raise another eyebrow in solidarity and Female Bandit begins to capture a video of Loud Phone Man on her iPhone. The air gets thin, the energy tightens, “Hey Man,” Smiling Store Employee intercepts, Security guard flanking, “You wanna keep it down a bit, people are stressed, y’know? Thanks Man.” Valley Girl scowls, Bandit couple exchange glances, while still filming, Loud Phone Man defends, “I WASN’T EVEN TALKING THAT LOUUUUUD!!!” (Collective Bandit eyeroll) “YESSSSS YOU WERE!!!” Hisses Valley Girl, “Yeah Man, sorry you were,” Store Employee placates. taking the referee stance. I notice Loud Phone Man is wearing flip-flops, on a rainy day. He continues his conversation into his device, phone held to his lips, like a dictaphone, barely any quieter. “We have to be prepared…”

I sigh and feel warm breath on my cheeks. Mouth drying I look at my phone for escape and see that Boris Johnson has been admitted into intensive care for persistent and worsening Covid-19 symptoms. I suddenly feel very far from home and very sad.

I remember the things I’ve been doing to keep grounded and my spirits up. One of the benefits of turning out old cupboards was rediscovering my long dormant art materials. Painting, such an absorbing and transporting activity for me in childhood, was once something I considered doing instead of acting, but found it a little socially isolating - so acting won because it felt more collaborative. Now, of course, painting in isolation is perfect and becomes the most comforting of pastimes and a creative channel as I make images of my family and feel like I am spending time with them.

Understanding how superfluous actors are in a crisis such as this, I come to terms with the fact that staying at home, as passive as it may seem, is my contribution for now. Having the luxury of not having to home-school any children and knowing my work is pretty much on pause until social distancing recedes, I try to reframe this time as a chance to rest and refill the creative well. I read novels for pleasure, something I rarely find time for beyond work-related reads. I take my first Zoom yoga class (alexdawsonyoga.com), I join a 21-day online meditation experience (chopracentermediation.com), I take local hikes for fresh air and make first ever batches of banana bread and chicken soup. I even buy a mini trampoline online which, after a mildly challenging self-assembly, I’ve been sweating it out on to streamed classes online (lekfit.com) with a friend in Toronto, followed by accountability FaceTime coffee dates to virtually high five!

By the end of week two, the adrenalin crash truly hits and I’m exhausted from the constant rhythm shifting, news consumption and uncertainty. I’m an eternal optimist and good at self-motivating, but even when you’re Keeping Calm and Carrying on, you need to crash at some point. I nearly cry when I get my mum an Ocado food delivery slot - nothing has been available for weeks - and the “what ifs” that I have been keeping at bay with all my other activities release with relief and gratitude.

That’s when I discover Brené Brown’s new podcast Unlocking Us and find such solace in her calm and thoroughly researched words and conversations. Since her TED talk fame as a charismatic shame and vulnerability researcher, I’ve read all of her books and there is always something practical and nourishing in her work, told with humour and in a deeply relatable way - which I’ve found comfort in while in the midst of folding laundry, cleaning the bath or chopping vegetables.

Back in the food line and things are moving; the tension of the Loud Phone Man Vs Valley Girl dispute still simmers but everyone relaxes as they get closer to the front-door finish line. Smiling Store Employee does his speech on the new system: no reusable bags allowed, sanitised trollies and a one-way system in the aisles inside marked by arrows on the floor, to minimise contact with other customers. It all feels so surreal and regimented, but the Bandits, already drained from the 30-minute wait, constant Loud Phone Man soundtrack, near car park fight and everything else they’re all adjusting to, nod wearily behind their moist makeshift masks. It’s a bizarre sight.

Still chatting, Loud Phone Man makes it in and there’s a collective “phew” eye-contact exchanged between Smiling Store Employee and the remaining Bandits. Then his smile drops and crinkles for a second. “Yeah, he’s been in every day this week. It’s kinda sad. There’s no one on the phone.” The Bandits' brows knot quizzically. “Yeah, I think he has mental health issues, he just talks but the phone’s not on and he has no ear pieces, he just talks into it… 'They’re coming, we have to be prepared.'… I don’t know what to do.”

The reality breaks my heart. It seems to highlight the collective insanity we’ve all been processing and in that moment I just feel so frustrated at the state of the world and how this pandemic has exposed so many cracks in our society - from mental health to healthcare to privilege and poverty, everything just feels so raw.

I try to look for the silver linings and, among all the fear and anxiety and loss, I’ve been so inspired by human resilience, adaptability and creativity. I’m hopeful this great pandemic leveller will bring a new era of authenticity. An opportunity to shift mentality from Me to We.

Week three in self-isolation felt almost normal, which feels weird to admit. I’m getting lots of sleep and take regular meditative baths, which I’ve renamed Home Spa. I’ve found ways to safely contribute in my local community. When the shelves were bare from panic buying, I chatted with the manager of our local grocery store, who seemed so overwhelmed, so my housemate and I volunteered to stack shelves after hours. Although not exactly the front lines, we have fun and it feels good to give something back in our small way.

We of course negotiated to be paid in baked beans and toilet paper.

[thdorkmagnet]

Light of the Sun and Star Chapter 32: Bump in the Night

A/N: Okay so this was originally written for Halloween but it is important to the story so I’m posting it now despite it being January. Also it’s gonna be a two-parter, just so you know.

Summary: His whole life Marco Diaz has been raised by monsters, living under the cruel rule of their leader, Toffee. But one day Marco escapes into Mewni where he meets a magical princess and Mewman like himself, who begins teaching him all about her world. Together they will learn about life, love, and the lights within each of them, as they change their world forever.

Chapter Synopsis: Marco is woken from a terrifying nightmare by the twins who insist that there is some sort of ghost haunting the castle and giving everyone in it bad dreams.

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Index

Disclaimer: Star vs and all its characters are owned by Daron Nefcy and Disney. All rights go to them.

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Marco whimpered in his sleep, tossing and turning as his covers were thrown about, his subconscious mind deep in another dreaded nightmare. These would happen to him every so often and he hated whenever they showed up, since most nights his dreams were safe and warm, especially when he was with the twins or occasionally Star. But then some nights, his safe bubble would be broken and he would be hit with a dream far more disturbing and cold, making his body shiver and shake with fear as he tried to endure the horrid visions that his mind created for him. The nightmares usually all carried a very close pattern to one another, almost always reoccurring the same way every time, with only a few changes here and there.

And this one was no different.

It started out okay (they always did) because at first he was enjoying time with dream Star, which he had dubbed the subconscious version of his gorgeous girlfriend who frequently appeared in the realm of sleep. It wasn't really surprising to him that she followed him into the dream world, she was pretty awesome like that. Plus, he had read somewhere that your dreams were influenced by your thoughts which made sense to Marco as she was almost always on his mind. But these dreams were by far his favorites, because whenever they happened it filled him with a warmth that made him feel safe and loved even in sleep. But that also meant when they would suddenly shift into a nightmare they were that much worse, as his peaceful sanctuary was shattered and engulfed in black.

…

The two were dancing at the Orphan's Ball, a feeling of bliss and weightlessness as the boy just clung to his beautiful bestie, laughing as they swayed back and forth across the dance floor without a care in the world. Marco suddenly tripped and fell into Star's waiting arms the two hitting the ground as one. They lay against the cold stone of their favorite balcony, the picturesque setting sun illuminating them in soft colors as they just stared at each other, lovingly. Star opened her mouth, eyes shimmering and a bright, infectious smile making everything around the couple seem to glow a brilliant and beautiful shade of red. “Marco,” she said gently, her voice like silk and music all at once.

“Yeah, Star,” Marco whispered, breathing out slowly at the wondrous image of the girl in his arms.

She opened her mouth to answer, her eyes somehow full of twinkling stars and stardust. “I-” But before she could tell Marco whatever thing was on her mind, her loving gaze turned to one of horror as she looked up at something above them, Marco followed her gaze, seeing nothing at all, not even a hint of the moon or a star before looking back down and seeing that his arms were now empty. Panic overtook him as he cried out in terror, “Star? Star, where are you?!”

His hands began to numbly feel around himself, searching, looking. She had to be here, she had to be. He couldn't be alone. He was no longer on the rooftop, now he was in darkness, eery utter blackness that consumed and suffocated the world around him. He whimpered, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end in fear. He was afraid. Terrified. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to be here, he didn't want to be here.

He looked up and felt his heart stop beating. There before him, hidden in the shadows was a pair of glowing sinister eyes, trained on him and him alone. Marco felt the breath catch in his throat as he scooted away from the eyes, his legs too shaky for him to stand and run. He couldn’t seem to break his gaze from them, they were... horrible... and familiar. Yes, familiar. He had seen these eyes before.  But... where?

Suddenly, a light in the darkness, a sickly green glow that was both entrancing and sickening all at the same time. He felt a wave of nausea and his head span, Marco falling back and feeling himself land against something soft. He opened his eyes and he was back in his old room, the one he grew up in and stayed locked away in whenever Toffee didn't want to deal with him. Toffee. The eyes. They were Toffee's eyes. He had to get away before he found him here.

He was up and off the bed in a heartbeat, trying to run for his door, but suddenly he felt pain enter his body and he stumbled and fell back to the ground. His arm and back stung, feeling like fire on his skin, while his stomach ached making him cough and gasp for breath.

Breath. Breathing. He couldn't breath. Marco was being strangled. The boy's eyes finally took in the sight of a familiar and dreaded claw latched onto his neck. He tried to struggle, tried to fight, tried to scream but he couldn't shake the horrid claw as it drained him of his life and energy. He was in the darkness once more, alone. No one was there to save him, no one was there to stop the awful and feared Monster from killing him.

He tried to scream for help- for Star- but had no voice, every word was swallowed up by the black until only he and Toffee remained. He felt a sob escape his weak voice as he realized he was going to die. Tears streamed down his face as he looked over at the cause of his misery and end, the same pair of eyes lay on him, showing no remorse only hatred and viscous satisfaction. I'm sorry Star. I wasn't strong enough. There was a heavy wight on his chest now as he heard a voice echo through the dark confines of his mind, full of bitterness and venom and Marco felt his heart ache.

“Your useless.”

…

“Big Brother, wake up!” a voice shouted, reaching into the confines of his mind and forcefully pulling him out of the realm of sleep with a start. Marco awoke with a gasp, panting and now coated in sweat, his body pumping with adrenaline and his heart hammering a mile a minute. His eyes darted around his dark room, searching for the dreaded lizard that had just been strangling him a moment ago, hearing the soft pitter-patter of raindrops as a stormed seemed to have rolled in after he fell asleep. But seeing nothing, his body began to relax and he let out a long, shaky sigh, looking over at the two figures hovering over him. Daisy and Violet were both sitting on top of him, which explained the weight that he had felt in his dream and he shuddered as images of the fresh nightmare still clung to his tired mind.

He sat up slightly, blinking as his eyes struggled to adjust to the low lighting, saying in a soft whisper, “Girls?” His voice cracked slightly and he cringed at the sound of his own voice. It was almost hoarse, like he really had been strangled, though it was more than likely from having just woken up.  

The two gave him concerned looks, Violet asking with an uneasy tone, “Are you okay, Big Brother?”

“Did you have a bad dream?” the cutesy twin questioned, the two leaning in closer to the teen.

Not wanting the two to worry, Marco swallowed back his fear before putting on a bright smile, reassuring them, “Yeah, but I'm fine now that you two are here.”

The two didn't look convinced, Daisy muttering under her breath, her eyes full of fright, “Are you sure cause you sounded pretty upset, you kept screaming.”

“Yeah and there are tears in your eyes,” Violet pointed out, the boy quickly wiping them off of his face, before examining the liquid on his fingertips in shock.

He let out a long sigh, before laying back against his pillow. “It was... pretty scary,” the boy admitted, closing his eyes as images of the dream flashed into his mind and he shuddered. He looked back up at the two, who's own eyes seemed to be alive with terror, too much to just be worrying about Marco so he hesitantly asked, “Did you two have a nightmare too?” He knew they wouldn't be in his room in the middle of the night unless they were scared by something, usually they either started in his room or migrated there after a nightmare, regardless of whose it was. If Daisy or Violet had a bad dream they would usually wake up their sibling and drag them along down the hallway to Marco's room so they didn't have to walk through the dark corridors at night alone. They then would enter his room, usually loudly announcing their presence and rousing the boy from his slumber, before snuggling into bed with him, sleeping the rest of the night away in peace. But it was also not uncommon for the two to have a nightmare at the same time, Marco unsure if that was due to their Trait or what Jackie and Lily referred to as 'a twin thing' when he asked, whatever that meant.

So he wasn't surprised when the both of them slowly nodded yes. Seeing their adorably faces scrunched up into a frown, Marco couldn't help but breath out a long, “Awww.” His own nightmare was forgotten, pushed into the back corners of his mind, as his focus remained only on comforting the little Mewman girls he loved like sisters. Luckily, 'Big Brother Marco' knew just what to do in these situations and he wasted no time in wrapping his arms around them and pulling them closer to him, bringing them into a protective hug. “Well don't worry, it was just a bad dream,” Marco said as soothingly as possible. “It can't hurt you.”

The two cuddled against his chest, Daisy asking in a quivering voice, “B-But what if it comes back and gives us another nightmare?”

Marco froze, something about what the girl said sending shockwaves to his mind and leaving his head spinning for answers. “It? What do you mean?” he questioned, holding the two at shoulder length so he could read their expressions.

Daisy cocked her head to the side, while Violet said nonchalantly, “You know, the mysterious creature that goes around the castle giving everyone bad dreams.” She sounded so sure and positive in her answer, as if she was merely stating a fact and this caused Marco to reach a new level of uncertainty, as he questioned his own knowledge of how the world worked once more.

“C-Creature,” he whispered under his breath. Was that true? Was there really some... thing that went around giving bad dreams to everybody. He had never heard of such a thing, but then again he had been wrong before. Or a lot. His knowledge of Mewni was still pretty limited due to his sheltered upbringing. Even though he had mostly gotten the hang of things, there were still new concepts and things that Marco was continuing to learn on a daily basis, it was part of what he loved about living in Butterfly Castle, his thirst for knowledge never fully quenched. Was this just another example of him not understanding how something in Mewni worked? Was he just out of the loop once more on something that was common knowledge to everyone else?

Marco's naïve mind spun, curiosity kicking in full force as he tried to make sense of this new revelation, especially after the two nodded to him one again, confirming the truth of what they were saying. So apparently nightmares were given to people by a creature of some sort. That was pretty weird, but then again so was most things on Mewni he figured. After all ever since Star had explained to him what a toilet was and its inherent magical properties, nothing should surprise him anymore.

“Yeah, me and Violet have been calling it the 'Ghost of Butterfly Castle',” Daisy explained to the perplexed but intrigued Marco.

“What's it look like?” the boy asked, wondering if maybe he had seen it before himself.

The two shrugged, Violet saying, “We've never actually seen it before, Big Brother. That's why its mysterious.”

Marco scowled, deep in thought as he tried to decide what he should do about this. He didn't want the twins or himself to suffer anymore nightmares, wondering if there was some way to convince whatever this 'ghost' was to stop. “Well maybe we can find whatever it is and talk to it, find some sort of agreement so it won't haunt us anymore.”

The two's eyes widened with fear at this suggestion, Daisy whispering softly under her breath, as her small body began to shake like a leaf, “I-I don't think th-that's a good idea.”

“Why not?” Marco asked causing the cutesy girl to bite her lip while her sister, who was clearly trying to look braver than she felt, explained in a terrified tone,  “I heard it makes you go crazy if you look at it. Trapping you in an endless nightmare.” Her eyes narrowed with every word, making Marco's pulse race and Daisy to cling onto Marco in another hug.

Marco swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry at the very thought of it, feeling the peach-haired girl squeezing the front of his nightshirt tightly in her hands, seeking comfort from the boy. But he had none to offer just then, equally afraid of this 'ghost' as much as his pseudo sister was, the idea of having to endure an endless string of nightmares petrified the boy as he felt a cold creeping fear run up his spine. “I-Is that... true?” Marco asked hesitantly, wrapping his arms around the shaking girl to try and calm both her and himself down.

Violet just shrugged but the fear was still very much there. “Don't know, that's just a rumor, I think.”

Marco let out a shaky sigh, taking a few seconds to let his body ease up some and relax his tensed muscles. He needed to figure this out. If what the young Butterflies were saying was true, then he had to try and do something to fix the problem, right? But he was out of answers and now consumed by fear almost as bad as he had felt during his nightmare. Almost. “O-Okay then, talking to it is out of the question,” Marco said, thinking out loud to try and help himself focus better and maybe even relax himself some, as he tapped a finger to his chin. But the only thing he could think of that could provide him with any form or sort of relief was the one person who always seemed to know how to comfort him in his time of need. And she usually knew just what to do in situations like this. “Let's go wake Star and see if she can help us,” Marco said to the two, who smiled at the idea, feeling instantly safer at the idea of Star being around.

“Yeah, let's get Star, she'll protect us!” Daisy squealed in both relief and joy.

“I bet she'll use her wand to it destroy with just one spell!” Violet shouted, her eyes shining with mischief as she seemed to be imagining said deed, while her and her twin crawled off the teen so he could get up. Once he was free to do so, Marco ripped off his covers and kicked his legs off the bed so he was now sitting on its side, his bare feet touching the cold floor and making him shiver. His feet felt around in the dim lighting for something and nearly sighed in relief when his feet reached the pair of fuzzy, brown (nearly gold) slippers Star had bought him. He had loved these the most out of the all the ones he saw at Quest Buy because these had adorable looking puppy heads on the top of them, Star explaining to him that they were a Mewman breed of dog simply known as “laser puppies”, due to their magical ability to shoot laser out of their eyes. Still this hadn't deterred Marco from his purchase at all and he still enjoyed slipping them on his feet every chance he got due to how soft and warm they always were at all times.

He stood up from his bed and walked over to the closet, ignoring the slight chill in the air before pulling out a light blue robe that he had bought alongside the slippers, putting it around his shivering form and tying it tightly in place. Once he was ready to go, the boy walked over to the twins asking, “Did you two bring a flashlight or something?”

The two just shook their heads and Marco let out a sigh, saying in a regretful and slightly anxious tone, “Guess we'll just have to go without.” He looked over to the door and a feeling of dread instantly filled the boy's room. “What if it's on the other side of the door, Big Brother?” Daisy asked, voicing all three's fears out loud and their eyes all widened even more.

Marco sucked in a breath, trying to look and act brave as he said, “Well then, we'll just have to... close our eyes.” The boy willed his feet forward, even the comfortable slippers doing little to dissuade his fear. Marco walked slowly over to the door, step by hesitant step. His hand reached for the handle before stopping short, taking a quick glance back at the twins. Daisy had slapped her hands over her eyes the second the teen had suggested it, while Violet had wrapped her arms around herself and was staring uncertainly at the door, clearly trying to hide just how frightened she truly was.

The boy took in one more shaky breath, before willing a short bout of bravery, closing his eyes and  grabbing the handle, twisted it, and then pulling the door open in the span of a second. There was a beat, then another as the three just stood stiff and unmoving with their eyes sealed shut waiting for something bad to happen to them, only the sound of rain and their shivering breaths could be heard. But after a moment or two of calm, Marco decided to risk insanity as he slowly peeked open an eye, looking around for any sign of a ghost but saw only an empty hallway.

“I-Is it out there?” Daisy asked fearfully, still not uncovering her eyes to check herself.

“Is your brain mush?” Violet added, trying to hide the quivering edge to her tone, closing her eyes as well when the door opened.

“No, just the hallway,” he said, leaning forward out the door so he could check both directions but saw no sign of any sort of creature lurking in the shadows. The two girls sighed, before opening their eyes and running over so they could be by Marco's side. They each clutched onto his robe, keeping as close to him as they possibly could. “It's so dark,” Daisy observed, her voice nearly a whimper. “Anything could be hiding out there.”

“I know but we need to tell Star what's going on so she can fix it,” Marco said as strongly as he could. The teen cleared his throat in an attempt to rid it of its nerves before continuing, “Okay.... here we go.”

The twins waited for the boy to take the first step forward, out into the hallway, but weirdly he didn't move an inch, his body frozen in fear. “Big Brother?” Violet asked, looking up at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Just one little step forward like you've done a million times before,” he muttered to himself, trying to calm his racing heart and will his unresponsive muscles into action. Nothing. Marco groaned in frustration, telling himself, “Come on, this is no big deal. Why won't you move?!” He practically glared at his leg, sending fierce thoughts to take a step. Still nothing.

“Do you want us to give you a push?” Daisy suggested but the boy shook his head, a look of determination on his face.

“No, no, I want to do this myself,” he said, gritting his teeth, before finally lifting his leg and taking a single step forward, breaking through the threshold of his room and into the hallway. The three all sucked in their breath, pausing for a moment, before all letting out a sigh. The boy looked down at the two, giving them a reassuring smile and telling them, “See. Told you there was nothing to worry about.”

The girls smiled, seeming to relax, before there was a loud crack of thunder, making all three of the scared Mewmans scream and slam the door shut. Marco leaned against the door, with the twins now each squeezing his arms in a death grip, while they all panted after the scary moment. “Or maybe we should ask one of the guards to escort us there,” the boy suggested and the two nodded their heads in agreement to the idea.

Marco whipped out his phone and quickly dialed the number of the only knight he knew, not daring to open the door again to call for assistance from one of the night guards. He put the phone up to his ear and waited, listening to the soft ringing and muttering under his breath, “Come on, come on. Please pick up.”

…

Higgs was awoken from her restless slumber by the sound of a ringing tone and she sighed instantly recognizing the cheerful, upbeat song as none other than Marco. She rolled her eyes, snatching the phone off her nightstand and answered it with a low growl, still groggy and half-asleep but angry, “What?!”

“Um, hey Higgs, sorry to wake you but I need to ask a favor,” came the sheepish voice of the same hooded idiot she knew and... tolerated. She cast a furious gaze at the small clock on her nightstand, snapping into the phone's tiny speaker, “Do you have any idea what time it is, idiot?! Some of us need our rest and aren't allowed to sleep in.”

“Yeah, I know, but I just realllly need your help,” the boy said in a near begging tone, but this did nothing to convince Higgs in the slightest as she was about to tell him to leave her alone and deal with it himself for once and then hang up on him. But she stopped at the added and heart wrenching, “Please.”

This instantly swayed her decision, the boy's innocent and helpless voice weakening her resolve more than she would care to admit, and she just pinched the bridge of her nose, already knowing what answer she was gonna give him, “Fine! But you owe me big time for this.” She tried to sound as annoyed as possible but it was halfhearted after her previous snappish behavior. It's not like she was getting to sleep again soon afterward, anyways. Not after-

“Oh thank you, Higgs! Thank you, thank you!” the boy shouted, sounding pleased and Higgs allowed a smile to grace her lips in the safety of her empty room, her cheeks turning the slightest tinge of pink. She scoffed, trying not to let her smile leak into her voice as she said smugishly, “Yeah whatever, pipsqueak. I know how helpless you are without me. So what is it you need me to do?”

Marco quickly explained the situation and the girl rolled her eyes at the boy's nativity for believing such a baloney story. Seriously? Was he really this stupid? Next he'll be telling her that he actually thought the stump was for real. There was a crack of thunder outside and the girl felt a shiver go up her spine as the temperature seemed to drop a couple of degrees. Well, that was strange, she thought.

Still, despite how dumb this whole thing was, she was a knight and it was her duty to obey whatever request she was given, especially by royalty (or future royalty in Marco's case) and so she knew she couldn't back out now, her honor was on the line here. Plus, she wanted to help one of her only friends out, touched that he would come to her in his time of need, though she would never, ever say so out loud, her pride too strong to get all mushy over stuff. She quickly interrupted the now annoying ramblings of  Marco, who kept apologizing over and over again, while also begging the girl to help (even though she had already agreed), saying, “Yeah okay, I'll be over in a minute.”

She didn't give him time to respond as she just snapped her phone shut and stretched out her aching limbs, climbing out of bed and quickly changed out her pajamas (which consisted of an overly large red nightshirt with a yellow star on the front, only one sleeve covering her shoulder, the other hanging loosely over her right arm, and a pair of wrinkled yellow shorts) and into her uniform. She opened the door to her room and tried to silently sneak down the hallway without waking her dad, but the door suddenly opened and the figure of Dex came into view, smiling brightly down at his daughter, wearing his civilian clothes. “Who was that, sweetheart?”

Higgs sighed, hating the nickname her dad refused to stop using on her, and snapped out, “None of your business!”

“Was it your boyfriend or something?” The teasing tone in her dad's voice made her cheeks flush a bright red and she turned he head away from her father to hide this fact as she growled low in her throat.

“No!” she hissed. “Just someone from work. They need me to meet them at the castle.” She knew better than to say Marco by name since her dad and Jak were quite fond of him and he would probably insist on coming with if he knew.

“Ahh, okay, well have fun with your little friend,” Dex said, giving his daughter another bright grin, which only made Higgs scowl back in return.

“It's work, dad! It's not supposed to be 'fun'!” she shouted, throwing her arms wide. Seriously it was at times like this she wondered how her dad had ever even become a guard when he took nothing seriously. Though his failure at becoming a knight was justified she guessed.

“Oh right, well then... uhh, just try and not work too hard, sweetie,” he said with the same level of positivity as ever. “And remember to lock the door when you leave,” he added as she walked past his room and toward the stairs. She made a small grunt in reply and he went to close his door before adding, “Oh and remember to bring your umbrella, it's raining pretty hard out-”

“Daadd!” Higgs shouted in annoyance and he grimaced, knowing his protective nature had kicked in too strongly and he had pushed his daughter too far. She hated to be coddled, wanting to be independent and do everything on her own and Dex tried his best to respect that, his late wife had been the same way, but sometimes he couldn't help himself.

“Right, sorry,” he muttered, before adding in a much louder and more upbeat tone, “Well I'm proud of you, Higgs. I know you'll do a great job on whatever it is!”

Higgs paused, glad she was out of sight from her dad as she smiled fondly and her cheeks turned as red as her hair color once more. “Yeah, okay dad, whatever,” she said quickly before running out of the house so she didn't have to deal with anymore parental outbursts from her dad.

The second Dex heard the front door shut and presumably locked, the Mewman chuckled to himself, saying in a proud, loving tone, “Just like her mom.”

…

Marco and the twins were still camping out in the boy's room, trying to fight sleep as they grew bored with wait listening to the soothing pittering of raindrops outside, before they heard a soft knock on the door and the three nearly jumped out of their skin at the sudden fright, the girls clinging to the teen once more as they stared at the door wide-eyed. “Who-” Marco started to say, before clearing his voice of the embarrassing crack it had just made a second ago. “Who is it?”

“It's Higgs moron. open up!”

Marco was on his feet in a second, racing over to open the door for his impatient friend, practically dragging the two girls across the floor with him as they refused to release their death grip on him. Without a pause, he quickly opened the door to let her in, not nearly as worried about said ghost with his well-trained friend there.

“Higgs,” Marco breathed in relief, looking deep into her wide green eyes, taking in the slight bags he spotted hanging underneath and cringing openly. “Uh, sorry to make you come all this way.”

“Well I'm already here,” she muttered, though she didn't seem too upset, mostly just tired and grumpy from lack of rest. Higgs took a moment to examine the three frightened Mewmans before her, her eyes flicking over to the two small royals who stared up her curiously, before smirking at the sight of the fuzzy slippers on her friend's feet, before locking eyes with him once more, spotting the deep fear that were present both beneath and within his brown gaze. It seemed like he was afraid of something more than some spooky ghost story, she observed but decided it was best not to say something. She knew better than to press him about stuff that could upset him, the last thing she wanted was a scared and crying Marco to babysit. The girl suddenly turned on her heels and began walking toward Star's room, saying, “So let's just get you to your girlfriend so I can go back to sleep.”

“R-Right,” Marco replied and he pried the girls grip off of his clothes so he could hold their hands and walk down the hallway with them without having to drag them. The four walked in silence for a few moments, Higgs looking bored and annoyed, while the others just cast nervous glances around them, seemingly jumping at every little noise in the quiet hallways. It was very strange to Marco how different the castle felt all of a sudden, the normally peaceful and pleasant halls now eery and off-putting. And it wasn't just from his fear, Marco realized, everything was just... too quiet. Even in the dead of night there was always something to distract from the deafening silence, a night guard patrolling the halls, King River's loud and obnoxious snoring that seemed to reach every corner of the castle, something. But now even the heavy rain shower that continued to pour down onto the rooftops just sounded like a backdrop to the quiet, a dull roar against the emptiness of the night and leaving Marco feeling hallow.

The boy wanting a break from the disturbing stillness, asked Higgs, “So... uh, Higgs did you have any trouble getting over here?” He tried not to jump at the unexpected echo that vibrated around the massive halls. Although this was perfectly normal, it was far more noticeable now and made it all the more startling after such a long break in speaking or sound altogether.

Still Higgs didn't seem to be effected at all, shrugging and saying, “Nah, not really.”

“Really, I thought the guards didn't let anyone into the castle after dark?” Marco asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“Well they made an exception for me,” the young knight replied, shooting the boy a cocky grin. What she didn't mention, out of fear of scaring him, was that she had met no resistance whatsoever. In fact she hadn't even seen a sign of any guards since getting there, the idiots slacking off from their duties and leaving the castle basically unguarded. Normally she would be livid at the guards for blatantly ignoring their duties, but right now she was too tired and just wanted to go home and back to bed. She just made a mental note to tell Skullnick in the morning. She would put all those lazy bums in their place and Higgs couldn't help but smile in cruel satisfaction at that thought.

It had grown silent once again and Marco, desperate to keep his friend talking, blurted out the first thing he could think of, “Sorry for asking you to help us. I know you aren't really getting enough sleep, so waking you up and making you lose even more sleep must be really annoying.”

The girl looked over her shoulder at the boy, saying, “The only thing annoying is you apologizing all the time. Knock it off.”

“Sorry,” the boy instantly replied and Higgs just let out an annoyed sigh in return. Marco bit his lip as the atmosphere grew awkward, only adding to the discomfort he was feeling, while also making it even harder for him to think of what to say to strike up another conversation. He had already struck out twice now, he wasn't sure he wanted to risk failing a third time.

Luckily this time it was Higgs who initiated the conversation, saying, “What makes you think I'm tired?”

“Well, you have bags under your eyes and your always so busy and stuff, I just figured that you weren't getting much rest,” Marco explained.

Higgs smiled to herself, saying to the boy, “That's pretty observant, Marco. Especially coming from an idiot like you.” Her voice was playful, almost proud as she spoke and her tone somehow seemed to get even sweeter as she added, “But if it makes you feel any better you aren't the reason for the bags. To be honest, I wasn't having the best sleep myself and I'm kinda glad you woke me up when you did.”

Marco and the twins' (who hadn't been invested in their conversation up to this point) eyes all widened at the young knight's statement, feeling a shiver run down their spines all at once. “You mean you were having... nightmares?” Marco asked, his voice shaking with fear he could no longer hide, the twins now instantly invested in the conversation as they just shared a look with their honorary brother, all coming to the same startling conclusion. The ghost. Somehow it was effecting the redhead too, even outside of the castle's boundaries. But why? How? And if whatever bad dream it had given to the strong-willed knight was enough to make her lose sleep, that just begged the question. Just how powerful was this specter?

“Nah it's not like that, knights like me don't get nightmares,” Higgs lied, trying to wave it off like it was nothing and the three seemed to visibly relax, though not quite convinced.

“Then how come your having trouble sleeping?” Violet asked, calling the girl's bluff and speaking for the first time since Higgs had arrived.

“I'm not. It's just sometimes my dreams leave me feeling... drained, “Higgs said to the little girl who she had forgotten was even there. It was at this moment Marco realized that Higgs' cheekmarks looked more faded than usual, lacking the normal, vibrant glow that all Mewman birthmarks retained. The boy opened his mouth to say something but was cut off in an instant by the young knight who stopped dead in her tracks and nearly making Marco run into her back, before loudly proclaiming, “We're here.”

Marco looked over to see the door to Star's room easily in sight and felt a deep relief fill him, his muscles relaxing at once, feeling much safer just being this close to his girlfriend's presence. The two girls both screamed, “Star!” at once and ran into the blond's room before Marco could stop them. He cringed hoping they didn't startle her too much and went to join them but paused knowing there was still one thing he had to do, turning to thank Higgs for the help. But to his surprise she was already gone, marching off the way they had come without a word clearly eager to leave before Marco could question her further, but he wasn't sure if that was because she was annoyed with him and wanted to leave as soon as possible or was too embarrassed to speak any further on the subject.

Marco decided not to think about it too much, although he was worried and concerned for his friend, he didn't want to push her and knew how closed off she could be over some things, her worries and insecurities one of them. He still wasn't sure if she was telling the truth or not but he was inclined to believe her so rather than chasing the knight down and making sure she was okay, he just quickly entered Star's bedroom, a rush of fear awakening as he became distinctly aware that he was now all alone in the hallway, slamming the door shut behind him, making the sound echo around through the dark and foreboding corridors.

There was a beat of silence in the halls as they seemed to be settling after the loud noise, even the sound of rain nonexistent for a second. Then all at once the rain showers returned at their regular pace and the dark shadow floated away from the blond's door, following after the idiot girl who dared to not fear it. The 'ghost', who had kept close track on the children who had easily deduced its presence, had debated back and forth for a while on whether or not it should stop them from reaching the blond girl and warning her of its presence, after all that could complicate things. But then, where was the challenge in doing this the easy way? The 'ghost' liked games and was so excited to add a new player, especially the one with the wand, she would make the game so much more entertaining. The dark figure caught sight of the lone redhead walking far too quickly down the hall almost aware of the extra presence lurking behind her and watched as she shivered when the air grew a few degrees colder.

Yes, this was going to be so much fun.

…

Dark. The room was dark and suffocating. Star couldn't breath in there. How long had she been in there now? There was no way to know but to her it felt like a lifetime had passed since she had been locked up in the room.

She beat on the door, screaming for help, for someone to let her out but no one listened to her. No one ever did here. She could yell until her voice was raw and scratchy but still they wouldn't let her out. The monster wouldn't let them, not until she learned her 'lesson'. But Star didn't know what she was supposed to be learning, all she knew was that she was cold and afraid and couldn't breath. But no one cared about this here, they all listened to the monster here and did whatever she said, no matter how much Star and the others begged.

The darkness was so thick in the tiny space and Star wasn't sure what she would give to be blinking in the light once again. With one last desperate attempt to get out of the room, she banged her aching fist on the door and screamed so loud that it made her already sore throat hurt, “Please, I'll be good, I promise! I'll do whatever you ask, just let me out, please!” Tears were beginning to fall out of her eyes at this point, as she continued to shriek and beg for them to release her from the dark. “I'll listen to all of your lessons and I'll never disobey anyone ever again. I won't play tag around mom's priceless artwork ever again!  I'll be a good princess, I promise! Just let me out, please!”

Her voice broke on the last word, cracking and turning into a whimper. She listened for any sounds of footsteps or noise of any kind, waiting impatiently to see if there was any change, but after a few moments of nothing happening, Star felt her will break.

She gave up, knowing there was no escape from this, as she curled up into a ball on the floor and sobbed. She shot accusations at herself over and over again, hating herself for being the cause of her own pain. She heard pounding footsteps down the hallways now, rumbling the cold floor she lay against, but she ignored them, they would probably just hurt her anyways.

If she had just listened and behaved she wouldn't be in this mess! But instead she had been selfish and done whatever she wanted and now look where that had gotten her. She could hear voices now, calling out the names of the many princesses there. They sounded worried. But she didn't say anything. Her voice hurt too much to make a noise. Besides she didn't deserve to be rescued, not after what she had done, she just...hated herself. She hated herself. She hated herself!

There was the sound of a struggle just outside her door, before a calm, almost kind voice called out, “Princess?” Star just whimpered in response and curled up even tighter. She didn't want this voice to see her this way, to see her so weak and scared.

The door was flung open and the dark room flooded with light, blinding Star.

…

“Star!” a voice screamed and the blond slowly opened up her eyes as she was freed from the memory, her vision blurry with tears and her pillow damp from the pools of liquid that had leaked from her eyes and soaked her pillow. It took a moment for her to become aware of her surroundings once more, the memory she had just relived so real and vivid that it had been like a little window into time, one she would gladly break if it meant never dreaming that again. But she soon realized that she wasn't being forced through one of the worst moments of her life again, but was safe in bed in the castle and she had a small audience at her bedside, casting her worried expressions. “Star, why are you crying?” Daisy asked fretfully. Though she hated to make her cousins worry, she still couldn't help but she feel slightly better to have them here, the idea of being alone in the dark sickening to her after what just happened. So seeing the two familiar faces gave her a small sense of ease and she took whatever was given to her.

Not wanting to dread on what just occurred or raise Daisy and Violet's concerns anymore she quickly pulled herself together as best as she could, ignoring her sudden and emotional exhaustion she felt, swallowing down the annoying lump in her throat and using an arm to wipe the tears from her eyes. Once she was done and in a decent state of mind again, she finally answered her young cousin's question from earlier. “I-It's nothing, don't worry about it,” Star said, giving the two a weak smile while mentally cringing as her voice cracked against her will. But the twins weren't convinced, giving her disbelieving looks and seeming almost on edge, which was confusing to Star. Sure her crying in her sleep was certainly not normal behavior and the twin's would obviously be upset, but why did they look so nervous about it? She figured the two must have had a bad dream, hence why they were up this late and so tense. Still that didn't make any sense either, since normally when that happened they went to Marco not her.

Before the blond could question them about this, or vice versa, there was a sudden slam from Star's door. The blond instinctively reached for her wand and held it out in warning, while the twins screamed and jumped into their cousin's lap, clinging onto her with a death grip. Star was startled by this response to say the least but not as much as the sight of her Marco leaning against the doorframe, panting and shaking, looking as pale as a sheet. In that same instant Star felt a racing heart in her chest drowning out the more steady beat of her own. “Marco, are you okay?!” Star asked wishing she wasn't being held back by her cousins so she could go and check on her boyfriend, instead all she could do was lower her wand and pat the two young royals on the back in the hopes of calming them.

“Y-Yeah,” Marco said, finally pulling away from the door and taking in full sight of his girlfriend, his face switched from one of fear to concern as he noticed the dry tears on her cheeks. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I'm fine,” the girl muttered in a not at all convincing tone, her eyes refusing to meet his.

Marco looked at her face closely for a second before asking, “Were you thinking about...” He paused, giving a quick look at the two royals still curled up in Star's lap. “... 'that place' again?” He didn't dare say the name of that school out loud, out of both fear of upsetting Star and to keep the twins in the dark about the horrible place, they were too young and innocent to know what their cousin had went through. The girl nodded and gulped, hating how pathetic she felt right then. “More like a bad dream, I guess.”

Daisy and Violet, had curious looks on their faces over whatever the two teens seemed to be hiding from them,but not really saying anything. But once they head Star confess to having a nightmare, their eyes widened in terror and they nearly chocked Star as they tightened their grip around her neck.

“Oh no! The ghost got Star too!” Daisy shrieked.

“We're all doomed!” Violet added, equally as terrified.

“Girls stop!” Star scolded in a strangled tone while she tried and loosened their grip. Once she finally managed to pry the two loose, she stared down at them with a quizzical look. “What are you two talking about?” she asked in exasperation.

“Uhh, the ghost! The one that's been haunting the castle!” Violet exclaimed in aggravation.

“The what?” the blond questioned, raised a skeptical eyebrow.

Marco moved forward sitting on the end of Star's bed as he clarified, “You know, Star, it's what's been giving everyone bad dreams.”

Star stared blankly at Marco for a moment, before shooting the twins a scolding glare. “Alright, what have you two been filling Marco's head with?” she said in a lecturing voice similar to the one her mom or Lily would use. “You know he'll believe pretty much anything he hears, scaring him isn't nice-”

“No, there really is a ghost we swear!” Daisy insisted, looking desperate to make Star believe her.

“Yeah, it's really real and Marco believes us so there!” Violet exclaimed, her cheeks puffing up in annoyance at their cousins doubt.

“Your mom already told you two it wasn't real,” Star reminded them and the sisters just sighed and crossed their arms in front of their chests looking upset. Marco however, was confused, his brain spinning as he struggled to understand what Star was saying.

“So wait, there is no ghost?” Marco asked his girlfriend, completely stunned.

Star finally met his gaze and seeing the puzzled expression on her Marco's face she nearly giggled at how cute the face he was making was. But the blond contained herself, shaking her head, and comforting the boy by saying, “No, it's just something the girls made up after they thought they saw something in their closet. Sorry if they worried you, Marco.”

“But it really was there!” Violet shouted.

“Yeah, and then we both had really bad dreams, so how do you explain that?!” Daisy added, standing on the bed and putting her hands to her tiny hips.

Star let out a sigh, seeing the doubt and fear written on all three of their faces, before telling them as gently as she could, “Look people just have nightmares sometimes. It happens, that doesn't mean there is some supernatural thing behind it.” She gave the twins and her bestie each a comforting smile, before adding, “Besides, even if there were ghosts out there that could do the things your saying, they couldn't get into Butterfly Village. It's completely protected. So your safe, okay?”

And that was it, Star had just told him that he had nothing to worry about so Marco should just let it go, right? Any other situation Marco would say yes. After all, he trusted Star and believed whatever she told him, never doubting what she said to be truth. But for some reason, he didn't feel relieved, no matter how much he wanted to. His insides were in knots both from the fear he had experienced earlier and the fact that something about this just felt... wrong to him. Something wasn't adding up. Marco was confused, torn between what Star was telling him and what Daisy and Violet had said, and he wasn't sure who he should believe this time. And on top of that, his own instincts were telling him that there was something more to this than what he was being told. And while a couple of weeks ago he would have just blamed that on himself just being too freaked out and let it go the moment Star told him he had nothing to fear, now the boy had some self-esteem to go off of and that helped him to realize that he couldn't just ignore his feelings, he had to trust them.

“I-I don't know, Star,” Marco suddenly spoke up, though he seemed a little nervous about voicing his thoughts out loud, worried Star might reject him if he argued with her. But all Star did was raise a puzzled eyebrow listening to him closely as he continued, a bit more confident now that he knew Star wasn't upset. “It's just, even if a ghost isn't behind it, there's something going on here, right? I mean don't you think it's a little weird that all of us had a nightmare at the same time?”

“Hmm, well it is... pretty strange,” Star admitted, tapping a finger to her chin in thought.

“Exactly!” Violet exclaimed throwing her arms into the air in exasperation, before crossing them huffily in front of her chest with a pouty look.

“That's what we've been telling you and mom but nooo you didn't believe us!” Daisy shouted, looking equally as frustrated as her twin, stabbing an accusing finger into her cousin's face.

Star raised her hands in an innocent gesture, saying in the most apologetic voice she could, “Okay, okay, I'm sorry.” She then locked gaze with her boyfriend, her blue eyes searching his unwavering brown for a moment before she said, “Alright, well I trust you, Marco.” She gave the twins a quick glance before adding, “You too girls. If you think something is going on then I believe you.”

Marco's face widened into another bright smile, his eyes shimmering with warmth and gratitude toward his girlfriend, so happy to know the level of faith she had in him. The girl returned the grin with one of her own and Marco felt all his insides flutter, an almost beating sensation in his chest for a moment. “So uh,” the boy started to say, coughing after his voice cracked, he hadn't realized just how chocked up he had gotten over that. “What's the plan then, exactly?”

There was a pause as the four thought this over for a minute, a collective, “hmm,” passing through the room. Finally, Star spoke up saying, “Well I think first of all we should investigate this a little further, see if we can figure out what's causing these nightmares.”

“That's a great idea, Star!” Marco shouted, practically tackling his blushing girlfriend in a hug.

“Um, I-I don't know,” Daisy said nervously, wringing her hands in anxiety. “W-What if the ghost is real? What if it gets us?” Her eyes were wide with fear and she bit her lip in hesitation and stress.

Star and Marco shared a look, before smiling soothingly down at the young royal, Marco placing a hand on her shoulder. “Well, I'm still pretty sure there isn't a ghost,” Star said softly. “But if your worried about it you and your sister can stay here.”

“What, no way I'm waiting here like a baby!” Violet shouted, a look of determination on her face as she hopped off the bed and puffing out her chest with her hands to her hips. “I'm not afraid!”

Daisy now looked even more frightened, with the idea of being completely alone, but then felt a gentle squeeze on her shoulder and looked up to see her big brother giving her a warm and comforting smile. “Hey, don't worry, if there is something out there me and Star will keep you safe,” he told her and the girl's tense muscles and face seemed to relax just a little.

“You promise?” the girl asked, her eyes near pleading at this point.

Marco nodded and pledged to the girl a wholehearted, “I promise.”

Daisy looked relieved now, moving a little bit closer to Marco and his protection as she said in the bravest voice she could manage, “Okay I trust you, Big Brother.”

Marco gave her a quick grin, before turning his attention back to Star and asked in a serious tone, “So Star, where do we start?”

“We go talk to the one person here who is an expert on this kind of weird stuff,” Star said matter-of-factly.

Marco didn't even have to question who she was referring to, there was really only one person who fit this description, both him, Star, and even Violet saying at the exact same time, “Janna.”

Daisy on the other hand, said, “Glossaryk.” Her eyes widened as she realized she had said something different from the others and when the three Mewmans turned to her with looks ranging from confusion to skepticism she instantly flushed bright red and shrugged, muttering under her breath, “Well it could have been Glossaryk.”

…

The four walked quietly down the hallways, trying not to wake anyone up as they all huddled close to each other in a group, Star using her wand to light a path where they were going. The twins seemed extra tense as Daisy clung to Marco while he carried her and Violet hovered near Star, trying to fight the temptation to hold onto her sleep dress. The sound of thunder was now coming on a regular basis as the storm grew closer, making the twins jump every time and causing Marco to become disoriented, though his was mostly from the flash of lightening that kept lighting up the dark halls and rendering him blind for a second. Star seemed unaffected by any of this as she just swept her wand back and forth across the hallways looking for anything out of the ordinary, so far with no luck. But Star didn't drop her guard for even an instant, feeling remarkably on edge. She now understood what Marco had been talking about, something about this just feeling... off. Though she couldn't quite put her finger on what was causing her discomfort. She only new that with every step the uncomfortable feeling seemed to grow.

Star sucked in a breath, trying to get a hold of herself. Come on, Star, she berated herself. Stop acting like a scared kid, you have to stay strong, Marco and the girls are depending on you.

“So how close are we to Jan and Jacks' place?” Marco asked, having trouble navigating in the dark, but was eager to get out of these halls as fast as possible. Ghost or no ghost, this place still felt really creepy all of a sudden. Plus he couldn't shake the feeling that something was watching them.  

“Should just be a little farther up ahead,” Star told her nervous bestie, looking back at him for a second, before returning her gaze back up front. As soon as she did she stopped her tracks, causing Marco to bump into her due to how close he had been to her while walking.

“Um, Star what is it?” Marco asked, trying to hide the nervous edge to her tone as she stared ahead blankly.

“N-Nothing, just thought I saw something,” she said quickly, before resuming her walk forward. She figured she must be getting paranoid cause she could have sworn that the large gleaming stone that had been sitting on a pedestal on the left of the hallway, had moved all of sudden to the right. She paused, holding her stream of light on the object for a couple of seconds, taking in the gleaming light reflected off its surface. It looked like some sort of moonstone or something. And the more she looked at it, the more she realized she had never seen it before.

Before the blond could investigate further, there was a muted crash behind them, causing Star and the others to nearly jump out of their skin and whirl around to see whatever had made the noise. “Wh-What was that?” Violet asked in a voice barely above a whisper, no longer caring about who saw as she clung to Star's sleep dress.

“I-” Star started to reply before there was a flash of lightening, followed by the loud, ear-slitting crack of thunder. And for a split second, as the room was flooded with a blinding beam of light, they could make out some sort of figure standing in the hallways, a pair of glowing sinister eyes hovering on them. They all screamed, Star and Marco hugging each other in their panic, Daisy uncomfortably squished between the two and Violet now latched onto Star's leg with a death grip. They watched in fear as the silhouetted figure creeped closer, Star holding out her wand in a shaky grip, preparing to fire at the thing before them. “We're dead!” Voilet screamed.

“We're going to be go crazy with terror!” Daisy squeaked out, closing her eyes as tight as she could to try and prevent the horrid stories she had been told from coming true.

But then, just as the four were all convinced they were going to be goners, a light came on, illuminating the face of a very mischievous looking Janna. “Boo,” the half-Monster said with one of her devilish smirks. There was a beat of silence as they all took in the form before them, before Star and Marco screamed at the top of their lungs in anger, “JANNA!”

“Nice shoes,” she added now aiming the flashlight down at Marco's feet making him blush.

“Janna,” Star said with a warning tone, still not letting her previous actions go.

“What?” she said as nonchalantly as ever, shrugging as if her scare was no big deal.

“You nearly gave us all a heart attack!” Star scolded, her and the others left panting after such a scary ordeal.

“Aw, come on, I saw you guys acting all freaked out and everything and I thought a little laugh would do you all some good,” Janna replied playfully, messing with the switch on the flashlight as she made the beam turn on and off again in her face, almost bored with the conversation.

“It wasn't funny,” Marco stated and Janna just shrugged again.

“Was to me,” the creepy teen replied.

Violet quickly jumped to her idol’s side, her eyes shimmering. “Well I thought it was a good joke,” the girl lied, letting out a little fake chuckle. “In fact, I knew you were there the whole time, I was just pretending to be scared.”

“No you weren't!” Daisy argued, which caused her sister to scowl.

“Uh, yes I was!” Violet hissed, hands now on her hips.

“No you weren't!”

Violet stuck her tongue out at her twin but said nothing more.

“So what are you doing out here in the middle of the night, Jan?” Marco asked, ignoring the twin's arguing for a moment.

“Same reason you guys are out here, I'm guessing,” Janna replied in a bored monotone, flashing the light on them for a second.

“Were you having nightmares too, Jan?” Star asked with concern.

“Yep,” the girl said. “In fact, the whole castle it seems is having them.”

“Oh, we were actually just on our way to ask you about that, since your kinda the expert on this stuff,” Marco said.

“You flatter me, Diaz,” Janna said, looking away and pretending to be humbled by the boy's compliment, while also flipping the flashlight up into the air and catching it. But she shot him an arrogant grin a second later before saying, “But you were right to come to me.”

Violet gasped, saying in an energetic tone, “Does that mean you already know what's behind all this?!” The girl couldn't be anymore devoted toward Janna then she was right then, she was just so cool!

Janna nodded. “Sure do,” she said simply.

“Then what is it?” Star asked impatiently.

“Is it the Ghost of Butterfly Castle?” Daisy suggested curiously.

“Nope, worse” she said calmly. Janna held the flashlight up to her face to create a scary look, her eyes growing dark and menacing as she hissed out, “It's a Cipher!”

There was a long moment of silence as the group of Mewmans just stared at the creepy teen in confusion, Marco finally asking, “Who?”

Janna let out an exaggerated sigh, before muttering in annoyance, “Seriously, what is you guys' problem with dramatic reveals?!”

“Well, I'm sorry, but we don't know who that is,” Star said defensively.

“Geez, you are all so uncultured,” Janna stated with the click of her tongue. She then went on to explain to the four, “Okay, so basically there's this extremely rare race of creatures from this bizarre dimension called 'Ciphers' and there whole thing is that they draw power from people's dreams and more so from nightmares. They get inside your head and make you go crazy.”

“Ah ha!” Violet loudly interrupted, giving the others a gloating look. “I was right!” she pumped her fists in the air in celebration.

“Congrats,” Janna said with genuine pride, smiling down at the little Mewman girl, which made her nearly glow with praise.

“Okay so these Ciphers or whatever you call them, what are they doing in here?” Star asked.

“Don't know,” Janna replied with a shrug. “That's the big mystery actually. Usually they can't just show up to places unless they're summoned from their dimension and as far as I know nobody here is dumb enough to summon one. Even me. Honestly I thought they were all extinct.”

“So how'd it get in, then?” Marco questioned with a frown, more to himself than to Janna as he looked thoughtfully in the distance.

“More importantly, how do you get rid of it?” Star spoke up, her tone grave.

“Well luckily, I just happen to have a trick up my sleeve for that very thing,” Janna said, her smirk incapable of growing any wider.

“How?” Marco asked, both him and the girl in his arms leaning forward in curiosity, all ears.

“Easy, I make a barrier that forces it out,” Janna replied.

“Wait, is it really that simple,” Star said in shock. She figured something like this would take a lot more work.

“Pretty much yeah, though some of the ingredients are hard to find,” Janna said. She suddenly reached into her jacket pocket and pulled something in a little baggie out for them to see. “In fact, I just popped over to the Cloud Kingdom to get this.” She shook what looked to be a small clump of pink hair inside.

“What is that?” Marco asked, cocking his head to the side.

“Unicorn hair, duh?” Janna responded with a roll of her eyes.

“Wait, what?!” Star screeched, unable to believe what she was seeing. She marched over and snatched the bag out of Janna's grasp, looking closer at the contents as she realized she recognized that particular hue. She gasped, before saying in disbelief, “Is this Pony Head's hair?”

“Well, yeah, I'm not a weirdo who goes around shaving random unicorn's hair off,” Janna scoffed, looking offended by the accusation.

“I can't believe Pony actually gave you some of her hair,” Marco said, equally as shocked as his girlfriend was by this. It seemed very unlike the vain horse to part with some of her mane, since she seemed pretty fond of it, flipping it around in a showy way every time you were nearby.

“Wellll, 'gave me' isn't exactly the right word,” Janna said hesitantly. “Since she wasn't, y'know, conscious when it happened.”

“You cut it off while she was sleeping?!” Star screamed incredulously.

“Relax, she won't miss it,” Janna said nonchalantly, snatching the bag back quickly from her friend's palms.

“Not the point, Janna,” the blond hissed at her friend.

“Uh, stopping the Cipher is,” the creepy girl pushed. “Trust me, you don't want it sticking around here. Those things are nothing but trouble.”

Star let out a tired sigh, but actually let this go for now, saying, “Okay fine then, what else do you need to get rid of it, Jan?”

“Well, I'm down to one last thing, actually,” the creepy girl replied, the smile on her face showing she was enjoying herself far too much. “Just need to gather a sprinkle of Star light.”

Daisy's eyes began to twinkle as she asked, “How are you gonna do that? Are you gonna catch a shooting star and use that to vanquish the Cipher?”

“I'm pretty sure that's impossible Daisy,” Marco pointed out.

“No, no, not 'starlight', Star light,” Janna corrected with a roll of her eyes. “I need Star to give me some of her magic.”

“Wait, really?” Star said in shock, her eyes widening.

“Yeah,” Janna said and pulled out a small opened vile and held it up. “Hit me up, princess.”

Star pulled out her wand and looked down at it skeptically, before hesitantly aiming it in the direction of the glass, taking a second to let the magic gather. “O-Okay,” Star agreed hesitantly, using her simplest and least destructive spells so as to not injure her friend, a stream of magic going from the wand to the vile before it was filled and Janna sealed it up with a rubber stop covered in unreadable symbols. “Perfect, now we're ready to go,” the girl said brightly.

“Great!” Violet cheered in excitement, unable to contain her excitement over seeing her super cool role model vanquishing a powerful inter-dimensional being. Janna really was the best! “Can I help?” she offered, sounding almost pleadingly, desperately wanting to prove herself to her idol.

“Sure, kid, hand me that moonstone over there,” Janna said quickly, pointing it out to the girl. Violet obeyed instantly, running over to the gem, grabbing it up a little too quickly as she fumbled it around in her hands and brought it over to the beanie-wearing teen.

“Wait were you the one moving that thing around earlier?” Star asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yep, I was trying to find the most effective place to use it at, since it usually has to be very precisely placed, but since I'm using magic instead of mercury, it's not as big a deal where it goes,” Janna explained, handing off her flashlight to her young assistant, while sprinkling a bit of magic and unicorn hair onto the object making it glow a bright blue color and creating bizzare looking symbols all over it. She scoffed, saying smugly, “Whoever came up with the original recipe didn't realize how much more effective using magic is.” The creepy teen shook her head in disappointment of whoever had failed to create the perfect recipe to stop the Cipher.

Janna concentrated on her work for another minute, the others watching in silence so as to not disturb her, until she nodded in satisfaction, indicating she was finished with it. She picked the now enchanted moonstone back up and set it onto the same pedestal it had been on, saying, “But just to be safe...” She fiddled with it for a moment, trying to make sure the powerful object was in just the right spot. Once she felt it was properly in place, she took a step back, admiring her work. “There done.”

The others all sighed in relief, their bodies growing heavy as the weight of exhaustion overtook them, Marco stretching his limbs out for a moment, ready to trudge back to bed and try and get as much sleep as he could before morning and the others felt the same.

“... with that one,” Janna finished and the rest of the Mewmans froze on the spot.

“What, there's more?!” Star screamed in exasperation.

“Well, yeah,” Janna said sarcastically. “These have to be placed all over the castle in order to create a barrier. Otherwise there's no point.”

“How many more do you have to do?” Marco asked, hoping it wasn't too many.

But this was crushed a second later as Janna replied, “About nine or ten.”

Star, Marco, and the twins let out disheartened groans and sighs, looking sadly and tiredly at the ground. So much for getting any sleep tonight.

“Your welcome to come with if you want,” Janna added, not at all affected by the miserable sight of her friends, taking her flashlight back from Violet. “Might go faster with some help.”

“I'd love to!” Violet screamed in an instant, her cheeks slightly flushed.

“B-But what if the Cipher thing hurts us!” Daisy asked fretfully.

Janna just waved a nonchalant hand in the air, saying, “Relax, it's harmless unless your asleep or someone makes a deal with it.”

This line caught Marco's interest, something about it sparking a memory in his head, one that was just out of reach. That sounded... familiar. Where had he heard that before?

“Soooo, I'm gonna head out, you four are welcome to follow or don't,” Janna said, shrugging in indifference and turning on her heels. “I don't really care.”

As she started down the halls, Violet stuck to her like glue as she followed along, Star and Marco shared a look, the boy asking his bestie, “Should we go with?”

“Well it's not like were going to get much sleep until she finishes up,” Star pointed out and Marco nodded.

“That's true,” he agreed.

Star bit her lip, still unsure. “What do you think?” she asked and Marco was caught off guard by this. Usually Star did the decision making he realized and Marco would just go along with it, only suggesting stuff here and there to her, but now she was asking him directly what they should do. She was trusting him with this important decision and he swore he wouldn't let her down. He thought his answer through carefully, playing out all the pros and cons for going with Janna, before deciding that their friend might need backup just in case things went awry. Plus he was still really curious about what connection he possibly had to this Cipher thing and wanted to see if he could learn more.

“I think we should go,” he said as firmly as he could and Star just smiled and took his hand in hers, making the places where her soft skin brushed his tingle.

“Okay then, let's go,” she said almost instantly and Marco smiled ear to ear as he and Star started after Janna together, who seemed to be taking her time as she waited to see if they would follow. But they had only gone two steps when the peach-haired girl still in Marco's arms shouted, “Wait!”

“What is it, Daisy?” Marco asked in worry, as the girl began to quiver in his grip.

“I-I don't wanna go,” the girl whimpered under her breath.

Star and Marco shared a look, before the blond said in a soft voice, “Okay then, you don't have to.” The boy set the girl back down on her feet, while Star bent down to her level saying, “Jackie's room is just down the hall. Go stay in there for a little while, okay?”

The girl nodded and ran off without a second thought, the young couple watching her until she made it to the door in question and entered in without a word. Knowing Daisy was now safe, their duties now fell on Violet to protect and look after, as well as try and aid Janna with banishing the annoying creature that had snuck into their home. They turned back in the direction, seeing Janna and Violet now nearly out of sight and their faces switched to one of mutual determination.

Star and Marco's hands locked once more, providing each other strength and warmth as they followed after their friend. With every step their grip only grew more tight as if in defense in case someone tried to separate them. But the two besties wouldn't have that. They knew that their partner was safe so long as they stayed linked. And as they continued on, like an unbreakable barrier, they seemed to be silently indicating the true weight of this decision, sending out a message loud and clear that said, Nothing can hurt us, so long as we stay together.

From the shadows the dark figure couldn't help but chuckle to himself, “Challenge accepted.” It was funny to Bill Cipher to watch as they tried their miserable attempt to put a stop to him. He would allow this to go on for a little while, after all what was the fun in the game if there was no challenge in it. And when he did win, it would be all the more crushing knowing how far they had come. Oh yeah, this was gonna be one heck of a party! 

Additional disclaimer: Bill Cipher belongs to Alex Hersch and Disney. All rights go to them. 

[lilyjoycemfa]

Not today... can you decolonise the art gallery?

link to video 

Dowse Speaker series

Nigel Burel

educator, artist

Puawai Cairns

Te Papa, curator

Title of the talk

not today….

originates from NB’s exhibition not today, coloniser

Art institution/ institution

Can you decolonise an art gallery/ art institution

Safe spaces for uncomfortable conversations, we can agree to disagree. Brave enough to embrace change. With sensitive in mind and a progressive points of view. Still have hard convos. In a bicultural way. Diverse thoughts. Within Maori and Pakeha conversations. NB

No, you can’t. If the power structures stay the same, no. Because they were set up on a colonial foundation. Until you can rip up the power. Maori and Pacifica are always working against the system that holds them back. We have to completely blow up the system for there to be real change. Start with the indigenous space.

Always a casualty. Working against a system that is colonial. “this is our new theory” (Pakeha). Bullshit, coz they won’t give it up from the ground.

PC

Demanding that a Maori worldview should be present.

Mandate

an official order or commission to do something.

Bicultural- we all take responsibility. We all demand better.

Let the Maori curators lead it.

What are the benefits of having Maori roles- curatorial roles.

Representation. critical mass or Maori to be incharge of curating their own stories so Maori feel reflected. Previously, the intimate outsider - shows what they have found. Maori stand on the shoulders of giants. they know their perspective more than anyone else.

Downsides. Creating positions based on Pakeha classification of knowledge. Maori knowledge does not contain to just toanga. Maori knowledge runs through everything. tangible and intangible. Maori should be running through anywhere where there is knowledge and a requirement to interpret it. Eurocentric confinement holds that back.

Position has to be created so it’s specifically about a Maori set of skills. Another barrier.

Designated Maori positions are confining, but if they’re not there how do we ensure Maori are in those roles all the time.

PC

Creating an institution from scratch with a Te Ao Maori point of view. What would that look like?

Embedding a Maori view that is more visible. We often look abroad to know what’s happening here. Maori can talk about that themselves. Unapologetically owning space.

“there is room for all of us”.

NB

Decolonisation - like someone bringing up my ex. Everything i generative is about my ex. reluctantly tethered to decolonisation. Moana Jackson - Maorification. Maori not thinking about our ex - but thinking about our selves. Indipendant beings. Our destiny becomes one of multiplicity, not one of singularity. Maori is not one unit. Maori is a universe. About multiplicity. How can we get that universe to overtake. It’s about potentiality. It’s where we were at before colonisation put this frame work over us. Decolonisation is like permission to work together but it’s confining.

It’s not going to be comfortable.

PC

it’s about sharing power

NB

“Agency”

Maori are often going above and beyond and leading it. Exhausting. Can’t lead it and drag you along at the same time. Demanding that we work collaboratively.  Leave us the centre but give us the mandate to do that. Trust. Power sharing. Own what it means to collaborate.

NB

Don’t like confinement. Maori endeavours outside of sectors. Mother leading modern day treaty claims. Maori people are dying and she’s trying to make it better. Still managing to keep it Maori. Looked at different indigenous groups. It’s also about clinical practice. Bringing in all of this wholeness. Not always looking to the mainstream. It’s maori led, maori governed, maori staffed. Pakeha working there too but in a Maori frame work. Continuing to operate within Maori world views. Equivalent models in Maori law.

PC

3 Maori directors in Art Galleries across the country. I see everything through a Maori world view. I don’t feel the need to justify that, I want to show you the lens.

NB

Leading non-maori teams. Asking them to do more. and not getting it. I come from a position that Maori is good for you. Having more Maori in higher positions is good for you.

That’s hard. that’s scary. I’ve got some stuff I’ve gotta do. I’ll talk to you next year. I don’t know how to achieve that. So I’m just going to talk about it.

Tactical changes at each point. Introduce multiple positions of Te Ao Maori. Less rigid. Able to encompass many ways of being. If Maori can get through, all of the cultures can get through.

I’m not trying to make Te Papa a Maori structure. It’s not a mare. But I do want it to be more useful to Maori. Making it useful to my people. The system authors good outcome for my people, and doesn’t rely on individuals to author outcomes for my people. If I move out and somebody replaces me, I want them to continue to make good outcomes because the system is demanding it.

PC

This is an ongoing conversation that we have to keep meeting. Something we have to keep visiting, refining, checking in. Let’s be more ambitious.

NB

What can artists do

emily karaka auk art gallery

james webster karatoe

collecting taonga - artists help challenge us that what we think is true and stable are actually ephemeral because they request a different reality.

Art gallery is the og cancel culture.

Privilege of the establishment to cancel things.

How long has it been before you’ve finally got called out. How many have been hurt by this?

Kind of like alcohol if you apply it too heavily it became a toxic.

Institutions have been doing that for years.

More critique. More dialogue. Turn it into empowering.

‘Protest objects’.

Object focused.

Narratives to come out.

“Why is my experience not being out there?”

Lots and lots of voices about our histories (Maori).

Cancel culture comes out of hurt (?)

A hunger to hear more.

Agency. Prompt people. Get involved

Shouldn’t get distracted and prevented by its significance. Make sure we keep the dialogue. Preserve a space in ourselves for it.

Don’t lose momentum.

PIP RIVERS

Decol -

Not decolonising it’s ornamenting

Decolonising being led by a colonising voice. That’s not decolonising.

Active decolonisation is taking a step back as Pākehā and facilitating other voices.

Radical refusal.

Maori run institution. With Maori, for Maori, by Maori

We need to be everywhere. We need a robustly bicultural

We live in both. We exist in both. We need diversity in all spaces.

We can occupy both.

“We need to be everywhere”

Mana motuhake is not about going through a single door for one single outcome

There is no singular Maori path. It’s about doing what ever you want and being Maori.

What role do the artists play in it?

-Susie

James Webster

Toanga - keeping in use.

Art helps challenge us- the things we think are true and stable are actually ephemeral

Triage vs. multigenerational thinking (?)

COVID

Pale panic

Moneys tight. Times tight. Protect the core. Maori being pushed to the sideline.

[tranquiltuesdays]

Finding Comfort in Tea in Ancient China and Now While sitting at home and finding comfort in tea during this pandemic health crisis, I have been thinking about the ancient nature of Chinese tea drinking. One of my favorite things about Chinese tea appreciation is its long storied tradition from ancient China until today. Trying to stay healthy and safe during a health pandemic, however, also has connected me to other ancient ideas: surviving a health crisis. I see a lot of people online rediscovering Boccacio’s 14th century “The Decameron”, the fact that Shakespeare and Issac Newton had to wait out the plague in confinement, or the 18th century book “A Journal of the Plague Year” written by Daniel Defoe. There’s definitely something fascinating about how living during a contemporary global pandemic health crisis makes you feel connected to these ancient health crisis like The Black Death or bubonic plagues. These ancient artifacts of disease and pestilenace are represented in my mind as such out of reach and outdated realities like Middle Age woodblock prints compared to our digital photographic present. While sipping Chinese tea in my apartment in the Bronx, right in the middle of the COVID epicenter in America, NYC in the spring of 2020, I started wondering about previous ancient crisis in China, in particular, and where tea fit in there. Surely there were pandemics in ancient China and surely there are ancient poems, paintings, or literature writings about tea in relation to crisis. With ancient China flourishing in the Tang Dynasty (618-907 AD), we are left with a rich amount of artifacts to rummage through and look for evidence and insights from ancient China. In the book “Tea in China, A Religious and Cultural History” by James Benn writes: “The values associated with tea today—that it is natural, health-giving, detoxifying, spiritual, stimulating, refreshing, and so on—are not new ideas, but ones shaped in Tang times, by poets.” But where to begin? I’m not a trained scholar in ancient Chinese poetry, artwork or literature. It takes me forever just to read an email in modern Chinese! It felt like googling in English to find artifacts about ancient Chinese crises and finding comfort in tea was like taking a handheld metal detector to the Pacific Ocean. So I turned to some scholar friends, namely Dr. Christine Ho, Assistant Professor of East Asian Art at U Mass Amherst, and Dr. Alfreda Murck, lecturer in Chinese Art History at Columbia University. Both Dr. Ho and Dr. Murck mentioned the famous tea poem “Seven Bowls of Tea” by Lu Tong, written in the Tang Dynasty. “Seven Bowls of Tea” is one of those texts that you see everywhere and its ubiquity almost renders it meaningless. It is, the kind of text you see excerpted and quoted in every single book about tea and especially Chinese tea, and the kind of text you see hanging on the wall of many Chinese teahouses. Is it the “Live Laugh Love” of Chinese tea? Almost. Anyways nevertheless it endures and has reached itself over 1300 plus years and halfway across the world into the consciousness of us here living our little lives in 2020 and into my own email inbox and computer screen in New York City, so it felt prudent to at least give it a new one over in the present moment. Poetry is a particularly important source for understanding tea in the ancient Chinese mind and culture. According to Benn, “Poets, as the cultural engineers of Tang times, had to invent a new world for tea to inhabit. Rather than create just a single cultural space, they made many, all of them interconnected to some degree.” So I read a translation which Dr. Murck sent me via email: SEVEN CUPS/BOWLS OF TEA Lu Tong (790-835AD) 一碗喉吻润 二碗破孤闷 三碗搜枯肠，惟有文字五千卷 四碗发轻汗，平生不平事尽向毛孔散 五碗肌骨清 六碗通仙灵 七碗吃不得也，唯觉两腋习习清风生 One bowl moistens the lips and throat; Two bowls shatters loneliness and melancholy; Three bowls, thinking hard, one produces five thousand volumes; Four bowls, lightly sweating, the iniquities of a lifetime disperse towards the pores. Five bowls cleanses muscles and tendons; Six bowls accesses the realm of spirit; One cannot finish the seventh bowl, but feels only a light breeze spring up under the arms. The one line that really did stand out to me, reading at the present moment is the second line: “Two bowls shatters loneliness and melancholy/二碗破孤闷.” As I began to contemplate the loneliness and melancholy that Lu Tong was describing I started connecting it to the loneliness many of us are experiencing as we are socially distant and isolated in our homes to prevent spread of COVID19 and help flatten the curve. When Lu Tong mentions melancholy it also feels so presently relevant to the societal wide melancholy or at least the palpable sense of dread, anxiety, and sadness that filled the air in New York City with the staggering death toll and round the clock sound of ambulances as it became an epicenter for the global health pandemic. While searching for different English translations of this second line “二碗破孤闷” in Lu Tong’s “Seven Cups of Tea” to compare to the first English translation I read, I came across a treasure trunk filled with shimmering jewels on the ocean floor of Google: the work of Steve W Owyang, his thorough and expert essays on this exact poem on Cha Dao (the most scholarly and nerdy of prominent asian tea appreciation blogs) http://chadao.blogspot.com/2008/04/lu-tung-and-song-of-tea-taoist-origins.html, and his own website Tsiophy (https://www.tsiosophy.com/). That moment when your handheld metal detector actually finds a gem in the ocean is truly an exciting one and it made my day. I poured through all of Mr. Owyang’s copious research and expert English translations that he generously shared on his website. We even started up a correspondance and he kindly pointed me in the direction of some poems on his website. Dr. Ho while also caring for a newborn baby (!), very generously pointed me in the direction of some books she thought me be helpful (that’s how I was able to find the previously quoted “Tea in China, A Religious and Cultural History”), and shared academic journal leads. Thanks to Dr. Ho sharing her academic pedigreed research abilities that really provided the backbone of this whole inquiry. Ok so all that research, thinking, and reading has illuminated a few ancient Chinese poems all 1000+ years old, related to finding comfort and solace in drinking tea that I would like to share with you. There is of course a lot of scholarship on the historical and cultural context of each of these poems and what each word might mean in relation to that but I will let you just read them without commentary and see how it might speak to you in the present moment: Joy at Seeing Tea Growing in the Garden Wei Yingwu (Tang Dynasty 618-907 AD) Its pure nature cannot be sullied, When drunk it cleanses dust and worries. This plant has a truly divine taste, And originates in the mountains. After I have taken care of my responsibilities, I plant a tea bush in my uncultivated garden. It is happy to grow with the other vegetation And to speak with a person in solitude. Translation in “Tea in China, A Religious and Cultural History” A Song of Drinking Tea on the Departure of Zheng Rong Jiaoran (Tang Dynasty 618-907 AD) The immortal Danqiu abandoned eating jade elixirs, Picking tea instead, he drank, and grew feathered wings. The world is unaware of the Mansion of Eminent and Hidden Immortals, People do not know of the Palace of Transmuting Bone into Clouds. The Lad of Cloudy Mountain blended it in a gold cauldron; How hollow the fame of the Man of Chu and his Book of Tea! Late on a frosty night, breaking cakes of fragrant tea. Brewed to overflowing, the pale yellow froth; I sip and am reborn. Bestowed by the gentleman, this tea dispels my suffering, Cleansing my mind from worry and fear. Come morning, the emotions of the fragrant brazier remain. Intoxicated still, we walk across the clouds reflected in Tiger Stream; In high song, I send the gentleman off. Translation by Steve Owyang After Eating Bai Juyi (Tang Dynasty 618-907 AD) Having done eating I go to sleep, Waking up, two bowls of tea. Raise my head to see the sun’s shadows, Already returned to being slanted in the southwest. A happy person regrets the fast disappearance of daylight, A sorrowful person feels sick of the slow passage of time. Those without worries nor delight, Simply let life be. Translation in “Tea in China, A Religious and Cultural History” And if after all that, you are like Charlene give me more ancient Chinese Tang poetry, I have more for you! In this month span when I’ve been working on this self-directed research paper (hahah, just me being me) I also learned from the New York Philharmonic Digital Mahler Festival that Gustav Mahler (Austro-Bohemian German speaking 19th-20th turn of the century classical music composer) himself was inspired by ancient Chinese Tang Dynasty poetry as a comfort to his own personal sorrows and crises. He composed his 9th symphony (its a long story how this is counted as 9th symphony or not vs just symphonic song cycle), known as Das Lied von Der Erde based on inspiration from German translations of Tang Poetry! You can listen to the music here with a spoken introduction on the background before the music starts. https://soundcloud.com/newyorkphilharmonic/sets/mahlers-complete-symphonies Ok so tell me what you think and how you felt reading these ancient Chinese poems about tea and what it means to you at the present moment while many of us are also turning to tea for comfort.

[shawnjacksonsbs]

The mind, my mind, should be no home for apprehension  7-28-19

"I've been giving a good deal of thought to this entity in my head, about its nature. Also, its composition." - Vision from the Avengers Me too. Me too. Maybe even an unhealthy amount of thought. Although I find life easier and more manageable because I write about so much of it, and I suppose I tend to over-analyze issues, feelings, and/or thought patterns way more than the "normals". That's ok though. That's just the way my story goes. So its Saturday night around 9:30 pm and I have been home for about an hour and a half, maybe two. Its been an incredibly long work week, enough so I didn't get much Door Dashing in. I don't really know where to start, or exactly how to say this next part, but I need to and I am extremely limited, especially in the approach, which further complicates the how, so. . . Something very bad happened to one of my older kids last night or early today, whatever. He was attacked. That is absolutely all I get to say about that. Because this truth is shared, and for his wellbeing, and his emotional status, as it were, it's not open to the public right now, nor will that ever be my call. He is safe at home with us right now, and hopefully, this prevents further "misdoings" on his part later, but for now, he is well. All my notes, and quotes, from this week, all in unedited form, will be posted below. It would have been a pretty good entry if I would have filtered it through, but more pressing things have obviously transpired that are far more important. I was seriously tore up over it, and the helplessness of it all. All the emotions from sadness, anger/rage, and guilt has washed over me and off the other side. Limiting myself on how and what I say to him so that he hears "I love you", and not "I told you so" shit is pretty important. I want more than anything to go out and be as unkind as humanly possible to some, deserving . . . .Predators disgust me. They are truly cowards, preying on the weak as they do. Standing up to bullies, big or small, and constantly siding with the weak and/or innocent will always take a front seat to being kind to everyone, always. As my mission for kindness and civility are still very important to me, and, I hope, to the rest of the world, people who take away feelings of safety, security, and contentment from those who aren't as strong, or as fortunate or any other number of things that make evil people think they are better, will be a fight that everyone knows which side I'm on forever, and I'll stand on the front lines. Stand right next to any of them, against any of those pussy, ass, cowards, who couldn't publicly stand their ground if they wanted to. Let it ever happen in front of me and we'll see just how quickly I can find the justification and/or rationalization to bring so much physical unkindness with me they'll only wish they were dead. I think I am getting a little sidetracked. Look, he is, as ok as he can be I suppose. I am too. One thing at a time. It does put a twist on priorities, and on perspectives for me again, as I realize how much worse things could be. Even with one of the other kids in jail, where he's been for a few weeks now, this just proves how bad things can happen in an instant. Make good choices people. If not for your own well being, then do it for your loved ones' peace of mind. I am going to leave that at that. Might be more later, or in future entries, and there might not be either. At this point, it's hard to tell. I will not be playing Q and A with anyone wanting specifics in the comments either, so please don't ask. It's not my place, and if and when he's ready he can, or allow me to, etc. If you are close enough to our family, then I'm sure you can find out who, and direct any concern you have in his direction. For now, his comfort is far more important than your curiosity. As promised, my "selfless vs selfish" unedited, and not quite finished entry, will be pasted right below here. -{  "Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else." - Fred Rogers Selfish or selfless? I'd say pick a side. But that's really pretty impossible. Selfishness, which I've been talking about a little more lately, is very much a part of the human condition. At its very core, it's a human trait or characteristic. Its one that has to be trained out of us, to whatever degree we feel necessary or comfortable which defines us I suppose. From a very early age, our parents generally have to make us share with others. It's from this point in life that selflessness training begins. In my opinion, it shouldn't stop as adults, but rather we should become our own trainers, with the lessons being, not so difficult as they were as children. We have to allow that though. If every time something, anything really, happens in our lives. . . if our first instinct is "Me", how does it affect me, how does it make feel, etc, well then, my point is I still have some "self" to work on. I also understand, to a degree, that keeping your selfishness confined around the people in your immediate and small circle can feel like being selfless, but I assure you that's only a starting point, if you're looking for deeper purpose, or redefined meaning. Selflessness in itself is the reward you didn't know you were looking for. The benefits of selfishness are inconsequential compared to the lasting rewards of selflessness. And I get that being selfish when it comes to your circle or a group of people can sometimes be necessary, even vital, but selfishness is intertwined with helping others or looking out for others, so it doesn't really qualify as self anyway. Now does it? it is "self" serves you, "selves" serves others as well as you. Absolutely not the same thing. None of this means that others weren't or aren't showing their selfishness, but I need to realize that it's more about the universe pointing out to me that I'm not or wasn't being as selfless as I thought I was I guess. I wish I was already at a point where balancing ego was second nature. Although my writing does seem to help with that more than if I didn't. I guess at the same time though, being grateful for the journey and all of its parts and struggles, I know, is essential for the human condition, my human condition, to evolve. It's more like find a balance that tilts heavily towards selfless and readjusts constantly, edging closer and closer to full selflessness. The only thing we really have any control over, anyway, is moving forward. By knowing that I have at least one reader every week, it helps me to write more openly, and way more completely than if I was just to keep a private journal. It doesn't even matter how many read, or how often, or if they are regular readers,  which I imagine most are, it still helps my resolve. Plus, like the last few entries to this one have proved, I get to relearn things, and learn new lessons at the same time because I can instantly recall what I just wrote as I contemplate what to write the next week through the course of the week and which direction to take it, sometimes in comparison because I'm almost always, currently living it. And you don't really even have a responsibility to me as said readers, not as individuals anyways. As a collective, no matter how small, you help me to stay open and honest just by existing and occasionally reading. It shouldn't have to be you guys who continually save me, but nonetheless, it is by reading that you do. So thank you for that. (Place right before remember to share the love and the laughter with the world) "I'm in the lion's cave, I've done it all before I feel alive again, But maybe not for long Another day will come, Full of light and desire Is your life okay?, Is it who you are? Are you right on track, Or has it gone too far?" -  Last Day Under the Sun by Volbeat Thank you, because you are the ones who indirectly hold me accountable for all the good and positive things that I say I have in my life. By doing so, I stay continually in gratitude and it makes it harder to lose sight of that with you guys on the other side of these entries. For the end; Why I write regardless of what anyone may say, think, or feel about my truths; "People have said, 'Don't cry' to other people for years and years, and all it has ever meant is, 'I'm too uncomfortable when you show your feelings." - Fred Rogers

[sleepadvisor]

The 5 Best Latex Beds You Can Buy – 2017 Reviews & Ratings

Can you even remember when you last changed things up in bed?

I mean your mattress! What did you think I meant?

As you have started to think about this and shop around, you might have seen some options out there for changes. So, are you interested in finding the best latex mattress? When it comes to durability, you really cannot beat one. But you might have questions when it comes to replacing one of the most vital components of your old bed. Not to worry!

You might even be wondering if a material such as latex is a smart choice for you. So consider your answers to these inquiries. Remember – there are no right or wrong answers here:

Do you have pressure points which cause you pain?

Do you end up feeling hot when you are sleeping on other kinds of surfaces?

Are you looking for a product you can customize?

Have you got a sleeping partner?

Are you in the market for a green, eco-friendly solution?

If any of your answers to these questions are yes, then a mattress composed of latex could represent an ideal solution. Of course, making a change can be concerning. After all, we are talking about where you sleep! You are going to spend approximately one third of your entire lifetime in bed. Why not make sure that time is as comfortable as possible? In addition, considering the durability issue, wouldn’t it be great to not have to worry about replacing any part of your bed for a long time?

When we talk about latex foam benefits, we have got to talk about the material’s resistance to mold, mildew, and dust mites. If you are a dust mite allergy sufferer, then keeping their population down is key. Do not give them a safe haven! Instead, foam made out of this material sends them packing. Keeping the allergens out is going to help you have a more restful sleep as your airways are going to stay clearer. And – bonus! – It will also help anyone else in your bed have a more restful sleep. You sneezing or coughing in the middle of the night will not wake them up, because you are not going to be coughing or sneezing. And that is going to be a lot more comfortable for everyone.

Or are you always hot at night? Whether that is due to hot flashes, or you are just plain warm at night, a latex-style foam can keep you a lot cooler.

If you’re in a hurry check out the ZENHAVEN: This one is made from 100% organic fabrics and is perfect for everyone who want an Eco-friendly bed for their home.

And consider the issue of support. If you have joint pain, such as from arthritis, or maybe a bad back or knees, the last thing you want is for your bed to sink in too much. You need for it to hold you up. However, at the same time, you also do not want to be sleeping on a board. Here is where this material can really shine, as it does double duty. It can support and cradle your form while, at the same time, it will give and mold and shape to your body. Say goodbye to nights where stiff joints are bent like a pretzel as you struggle to get comfortable.

IMAGENAMETYPETHICKNESSWARRANTYRATING ZENHAVENNatural latex9"25 years9.7/10 PlushBeds Botanical BlissNew Zealand Wool + GOLS 9" - 13"20 years9.0/10 Sleep On Latex Pure Green100% natural latex foam7"- 9"10 years8.7/10 GhostBed 11-InchSynthetic rubber latex11"20 years8.4/10 Brooklyn BeddingSynthetic called TitanFlex Foam 10"10year8.2/10

Natural vs. Synthetic vs. Blend

Latex dates back as far as the fourth century BC. But of course, that is the true article, the real deal. Synthetic rubber, in contrast, dates back to the early part of the last century. The demand for synthetics can be traced in a direct line to the rise of the automobile. With a sudden skyrocketing increase in demand, natural sources could not keep up. The Bayer laboratory (the same people who worked on aspirin) succeeded in the polymerization of isoprene in 1909.

Now, when you are considering the best latex mattresses, you might be thinking about the differences between synthetic and natural, or whether you should split the difference and go with a blend. When we talk about latex, it is going to either be all-natural rubber, or a synthetic, or a mashup of those two types. When it comes to natural rubber, it is harvested by a method that is a lot like tapping and extracting sap for maple syrup. Synthetic rubber is, of course, a man-made creation. And as you might expect, a blend is just these two types put together.

The most significant upside to synthetics is the price. However, they can have a rather strong rubbery smell, particularly in the first few days, so keep that in mind. However, naturals are not going to have that problem. In addition, an organic commodity is, by definition, a greener and more ecologically friendly solution.  However, the price differential is a rather significant one. For a natural product, you are looking at a price point difference which could easily be close to twice that for a man-made item.

However, as with other commodities which are purchased and are intended to last for a meaningful amount of time, a natural polymer is going to stand you in good stead for many years to come.

An organic solution is also preferable when it comes to the possibility of customization. During manufacture, you can specify the firmness level, even for each side. Therefore, if your partner prefers more lumbar support, then he or she can get it – and you are not going to have to compromise if you do not need it. Without compromises, both of you can get a better night’s sleep. And that is a recipe for a far better morning.

And be sure to keep in mind – it cannot be considered to be truly organic or natural unless it really is. Therefore, check the component materials closely. You do not want to be paying premium prices for a fully organic article when it turns out it is only partly organic!

In addition, it is not just the fact that it is organic that makes it a more eco-friendly solution. It is also natural rubber’s not so secret weapon – durability. A lasting product of any sort is a direct counter to our often throwaway culture, and your bedding is no exception when it comes to trying to save the planet. Hence if your organic purchase lasts as long as two or maybe even three iterations of a not-so organic version, that can only mean one thing: fewer materials ending up in landfills.

Talalay vs. Dunlop Latex

Synthetics can also be split into two species of polymer.

Dunlop – Dunlop came first, so let’s look at it before we get to Talalay. In the Dunlop process, much like for any rubber manufacture, the first step is to tap rubber trees and gather liquid latex. The collected material is then whipped up and placed into a mold. After that, the contents of the mold are heated inside a hot oven. When this part of the process is completed, the transformed latex is then cleaned. As a side benefit, any moisture within the material is released through the heating part of the process. The advantage to this process is that the mold is filled completely, thereby resulting in the creation of one larger, continuous piece. This causes some of the material to settle at the bottom of the mold. The advantage to that is the firmer feel on one side, while the disadvantage is nearly the same thing, that the firmness is inconsistent. Dunlop process material has a good bounce to it.

Talalay – Talalay differs from Dunlop in that only some latex is poured into the mold. This allows for expansion of the latex. The next step is to extract the air. This results in a configuration with an open-cell structure, and then small pathways have a cooling effect. Then the latex is flash-frozen and split into multiple sections. These individual pieces are then glued together for the express purpose of making the final form. The Talalay process results in a bouncy product which stays cool. It responds well to pressure and the look, feel, and performance are all consistent. With this process, the rubber will re-form quickly once pressure is removed. That is, it will bounce back.

So, which process is better? Talalay can have seams. Dunlop can have inconsistencies. Dunlop tends to feel firmer, whereas Talalay tends to feel softer. As with many choices, it pays to experience both and see for yourself how you feel about them. Both are durable, and both can be made either completely naturally or synthetically or in a combination.

Latex vs. Memory Foam

You have, without a doubt, heard of memory foam and you have very likely seen advertisements for it.

It seemed to have had great promise. But the truth is; this foam simply does not have the bounce and responsiveness that you can quite literally see and experience with this material. Its biggest positive is that it can conform well to your body. However, it conforms so well that it just does not spring back as fast as many of us would like.

Another big advantage to latex over memory foam is the smell situation. The properties of the former can offset and minimize offensive odors and off-gassing (sometimes called outgassing, off-gassing is when a trapped vapor is released from its confines, such as in bedding). As a result, organic latex can be a great option for sleepers sensitive to and bothered by strong aromas.

Memory foam is also a synthetic; there simply can’t be an organic option there.

Pros and Cons of Latex

No solution can ever be 100% perfect, so let’s look at some of the benefits and drawbacks to latex.

Probably the most compelling benefit is comfort. After all, that is why you are buying a mattress in the first place, now, isn’t it? This type of mattress will conform well to your body’s contours while, at the same time, bouncing back into shape once the pressure is off and you roll over or get up.

Another positive is the cooling effects of a mattress. If you wake up hot, or you are not able to get to sleep because you are too warm, a latex product will minimize that discomfort if not outright eliminate it.

A great plus to this material is also the fact that it is inhospitable to dust mites, mildew, and mold. If you have an allergy sufferer in the family, that will help them breathe easier and get a far better night’s sleep.

A disadvantage – or, to be more precise, a tradeoff – comes down to synthetics and blends as opposed to natural materials. A natural product will be considerably more ecologically responsible. However, the costs are higher, and they can be prohibitively so for some households. As a result, you will need to choose between the cost of a synthetic (or blend) and the green quality of an organic.

A finally tradeoff when it comes to latex centers on aromas – a synthetic will have a stronger smell, particularly for the first few days, whereas a natural mattress will not. As a result, you will need to make a choice here, too.

Should I even consider this type of mattress?

As with many things in life, perform your own personal cost-benefit analysis. And that’s not just with reference to price (although that should be a part of most people’s decisions), but more regarding just what you really need in a bed. If you sleep hot, then latex can truly help you with that problem. If you have a sleeping partner – and, in particular, the two of you have differing requirements – then the versatility and customization options with this bed type should be your deciding factors. Or maybe you have pressure point issues which cause you pain. If you do, then latex can be your solution.

And finally, if you are in the market for a green and ecologically responsible solution, latex is a no-brainer, particularly when compared to memory foam.

Our Top 5 Latex Bed Reviews

I took a look at five top rated latex mattresses and compared them so you won’t have to. And without further ado, here are the results of my investigations.

ZENHAVEN

Now this is one terrific mattress with a twenty year warranty! It is an all-natural latex model. ZENHAVEN is made from 100% organic fabrics and components. There are no synthetics whatsoever. The flame-retardant barrier is made of a pure blend of nontoxic materials and 100% New Zealand wool. This barrier also organically serves to better regulate temperature. You will get a cooler and drier night’s sleep. The cover is rich, breathable 100% organic cotton.

This utterly green solution is free of lead, mercury, and other heavy metals. ZENHAVEN does not use any phthalates or formaldehyde. There are no volatile organic compounds (VOCs), such as chlorofluorocarbons or benzene. The company does not use ozone depleting substances in its manufacturing process, and it does not add any PBDE (polybrominated diphenyl ethers) flame retardants to this product.

Material

Lifespan

Price

Warranty

OVERALL RATING: 9.7 out of 10

This is important because the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) list polybrominated diphenyl ethers as possible human carcinogens.

The company’s commitment to ecological purity goes even deeper, as they strive to minimize their carbon footprint. This includes a process to convert raw latex using the Talalay method which actually absorbs harmful greenhouse gases. The company’s methodology is a thoroughly water-based process which does not produce any harmful or toxic byproducts. This makes for a finished product with no toxic or volatile outgassing compounds.

ZENHAVEN uses responsibly harvesting methods and is able to tap rubber from trees without harming them or reducing their 25-year average life expectancy.

All of the layers in ZENHAVEN are composed of 100% organic natural latex. However, after the latex harvest, a small amount of nontoxic, inorganic material has to be added in order to convert the natural latex from its liquid, tree-tapped form into a solid form. Each support layer is composed of 100% natural latex. The flame-retardant layer contains natural, 100% New Zealand wool, and the cover is made of organic cotton. However, the company does utilize a small amount of non-toxic, dermatological tested adhesive and synthetic reinforcement material. This is added in order to prevent the top layers from shifting.

Support System Specifications

First of all, is a Natural Latex Gentle Firm Comfort Layer: 1.5 inch layer of five-zone variable-density, Gentle Firm, 100% Talalay process latex (N2)

And then, Organic Latex Firm Base Layer: three inch layer of 100% Talalay latex (N4)

Then, a Natural Latex Plush Base Layer: three inch layer of 100% Talalay latex (N3)

And an Organic Latex Luxury Plush Comfort Layer: 1.5” layer of five-zone, variable-density, luxury-plush, 100% Talalay latex (N1)

PlushBeds Botanical Bliss

This mattress boasts it is a USDA organic certified latex mattress passing the GOLS (Global Organic Latex Standard).  Firmness options are firm or medium-firm only. Customers tend to see it as a good value and as a long-term investment in quality.  The top layer is an organic cotton cover intended to offer maximum relief from pressure. It has a fire barrier composed of pure New Zealand wool. This also acts as a temperature regulator to keep you cool and comfortable. The top layer is about one inch thick.

The middle layer is three inches of Talalay, to provide support and relieve pressure points.

The bottom layer is a six inch support foundation made of ARPICO organic latex. It provides back up support for the Talalay and, for heavy sleepers, it adds deep compression support.

PlushBeds Botanical Bliss is highly rated. Many buyers report that it has helped them with mild to moderate issues with back pain.

Material

Lifespan

Price

Warranty

OVERALL RATING: 9 out of 10

Sleep On Latex Pure Green

This mattress is composed of all natural latex with no synthetics or poly foam and no blended foam. It is listed at medium firmness, with six inches of 34 ILD (density) Natural Latex Foam, two inches of 20 ILD Natural Latex Foam, and a one inch wool layer. This product is GREENGUARD Gold Certified by Underwriters’ Laboratory. However, there are no fire retardant chemicals or barrier cloths. However, American law requires flame retardant treatment for bedding, including pads so, by law, there is a degree of treatment. See: US Code § 1632.31.

Thickness goes from seven to nine inches. The seven inch thickness variety is composed of a six inch base layer of 100% natural latex foam, and one inch of quilted wool atop it. The nine inch thick variety has the same six inch thick base layer, a medium two inch soft layer of, again, 100% natural latex foam, and it is all topped with a one inch quilted wool layer. Hence the thicker version’s sole difference is the addition of the two inch middle layer.

Material

Lifespan

Price

Warranty

OVERALL RATING: 8.7 out of 10

GhostBed 11-Inch

This one is a latex and memory foam hybrid product. 1.5 inches of premium latex naturally contours to your body and provides comfortable surface softness. Then two inches of four pounds of gel infused memory foam is designed to minimize pressure while at the same time reducing nighttime movement.

Made in the USA, this product boasts a twenty year warranty. It also includes high styled smooth top cover with a quilted side and zipper for easy removal and care. A 7.5 inches extra high density support core helps to create the ideal balance of comfort, support, and durability. This is an 11 inch profile mattress. A matching foundation is sold separately.

Material

Lifespan

Price

90

OVERALL RATING: 8.4 out of 10

A few things to keep in mind

This product is a synthetic (which keeps the costs down)

The company is a startup, and some consumers have reported that the company’s customer service experience was lacking

The company recommends purchasing the King size and the King sized wooden foundation for customers who weigh more than 300 pounds

The product is composed of an outer cover which is a blend of quality fabrics, intended to keep a sleeper cool throughout the night via wicking away heat and moisture. Then the top comfort layer is manufactured from latex to provide a level of surface softness while absorbing pressure without any heat buildup. The gel memory foam layer supplies a 100% pressure-relieving material embodied throughout with gel beads. The gel beads can absorb heat, keeping the sleeping environment comfortable. Finally, the base foam layer provides support. All materials used are CertiPur-US approved.

It has been developed to be firm enough for good spinal alignment without creating an uncomfortably hard-feeling mattress. Consumers reported that it would feel soft to start and then firm once the sleeper settles in. Some customers reported that it took a few nights to get used to this product.

Note: there is no edge support for this item. Also, the company acknowledges there is an odor upon opening the package for the first time and, in cooler temperatures, the GhostBed can take as many as five days to fully decompress, expand, breathe and adjust to a room’s temperature. If the product has been sitting on a cold truck or in a cold warehouse, the temperature-sensitive materials will need addition time to take on their natural form.

Brooklyn Bedding

This one is the best latex alternative and has what is referred to as TitanFlex Foam. This is a synthetic. The 10 inch mattress layering consists of two inches of Talalay Latex as certified by Oeko-Tex 2015 and two inches of Dunlop Latex which serves as a transition from latex to the core layer, which is six inches of convoluted high density polyurethane foam called TitanFlex™ foam. TitanFlex is a hyper-elastic HD foam with immediate response technology and increased durability. TitanFlex™ is supposed to be more durable than latex. This product also features TitaniumGel™ which is claimed to be have been tested and proven to sleep cooler than latex.

Consumers reported that the firm was too firm for side sleepers. Customer service was reportedly very good and not pushy or high pressure. The product decompressed quickly (only a few hours) and there was no outgassing although there was a slight latex smell upon initial unwrapping. There were also some issues of heat retention although not as significant as with memory foam mattresses.

Material

Lifespan

Price

Warranty

OVERALL RATING: 8.2 out of 10

A Comparison

Now let’s look at everything side by side and compare.

IMAGEFIRMNESS OPTIONSORGANIC?WEIGHTTHICKNESSSPECIAL CONSIDERATIONSPRICES* ZENHAVENLuxury Plush (a bit less firm than average) or Gentle Firm (a bit more firm than the average)Mostly, but not 100%184 pounds (Queen)9 inches120 day home trialSecond most expensive option PlushBeds Botanical BlissSoft, Medium, Medium-Firm or Extra-FirmYes, 100%128 pounds (Queen)Ranges from 9 to 13 inchesFire barrierMost expensive option Sleep On Latex Pure GreenSoft, Medium only (but users report it is more like Firm) or FirmYes, 100% natural latex foamApproximately 160 pounds (Queen)Ranges from 7 to 9 inchesMade in America (Chicago)Half the price of the most expensive option GhostBed 11-InchThere is only one option available; consumers reported it felt a little firmer than averageNo; it is synthetic rubber latex89 pounds (Queen)11 inches for all sizes; other versions of the product have different thicknessesContains a gel memory foam layerSecond least expensive option Brooklyn BeddingSoft (reported to be more like Medium-Firm), Medium, and FirmNo; it is synthetic called TitanFlex Foam 106 pounds (Queen)10 inchesDecompression occurs in a few hoursLeast expensive option

* Price comparisons were made on Queen models only. Costs can vary and, as with any major purchase, be sure to shop around and look for coupons and special deals before making an investment.

Conclusion

Sleep is important to your overall health and well-being. And top of the line latex mattresses are a big investment. Consider your options carefully and never be afraid to ask questions.

See Editor's Choice

Back To The Comparison Table

Sources and References:

ToxFAQsTM for Polybrominated Diphenyl Ethers (PBDEs) – atsdr.cdc.gov

16 CFR 1632.31 – Mattresses/mattress pads – labeling, recordkeeping, guaranties and “one of a kind” exemption. – law.cornell.edu

Latex Allergy – medicinenet.com

More Reading:

Memory Foam vs. Latex Compared – Which is Better for You?

Top 10 Best Mattress Reviews in 2017 and 5 You Should Avoid

How To Choose a Mattress in 5 Easy Steps – The Definitive Guide

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